CheapShow - CheapShow Episode 424 The Candy Cave

Starting point is 00:00:00 You know what, I knew you were gonna do that. The minute you started making fucking stupid seagull sounds while we were testing the mic, my brain went, he's gonna do it. He's gonna start the show with it because he thinks it's hilarious. Well, apologize to me now. Why have you gone all mean? Why are you being mean? Because up until 30 seconds ago, I was jolly. I was a jolly tip of the hat, rumpdy dumpdy day man, right? He's still got the laugh. And then you started barking like a seagull after your hot dog. I just want words from you. Thanks for everyone. Can I say at the start? I want to say something. No, thanks for everyone. You get to apologise to me first before you get to say a fucking

Starting point is 00:00:40 word. I'm sorry. Thank you. I don't care if it's disingenuous. I just want to hear the words from your mouth. It sincerely is. Oh I know it is. It's utterly disingenuous. But I heard it, I'll sample it, I'll sleep to it. You'll sleep to it? Yeah. Will you? Tuck it at night. Will you? Yeah, I'll jack off to it. You will jack off to me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Oh dear. Say it, say it. I'm very sorry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sleepy bye-bye's time. Paul, can you guess what I'm going to say now? Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Can you guess what I'm going to say now?

Starting point is 00:01:09 Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Can you guess what I'm going to say now? You're going to do a seagull sound. No. What then? I think we should do the cold open again. No. It's really one of our worst.

Starting point is 00:01:20 You say that, but if they're all our worst, some of them have to be good. None of them are good. Well, this one's good. This is the best one I've ever done. And everyone listening agrees with me. They don't. Why have you gone? They're all saying, hello, Paul. I'm a listener.

Starting point is 00:01:31 I'm Joe Cheap Show listener, and I listen to Cheap Show. And episode 242 had possibly one of your very best cold opens. I shat my pants with laughter listening to your witty witticisms and jolly f... Shitting yourself, is that good? Is that funny? Is it a funny thing? Yeah, I want people to shit themselves laughing listening to this call. Is the idea, just generally, Paul, is the idea of someone just shitting into their pants, a grown adult, just shitting in their pants, just in a room?

Starting point is 00:02:02 Just in a room. Not in the bathroom, just like in a nice upholstered living room. Ideally. Is that funny? No, no, no, no, no. Is it funny? No, no, no, no. Look, I'm just looking at someone,

Starting point is 00:02:11 they're just standing there, they've got tighty-whities on. Yeah, tight pants. Now they just shit themselves. How tight? Fucking really tight. So when it comes out, is it pushing against the fabric? The flesh is going all pale. Pale.

Starting point is 00:02:20 Where the elastic is going in. Where the fabric is that tight. That tight. And when they shit. Like too small. This is an adult wearing knickers. And it comes out from the kit knickers. It comes out all round the sides. Anyway, yeah, that's what I want. I want some say, oh ding ding, I can't get off at this stop because my tighty-whities are now covered in scat. Why is the bus noise coming? The ding ding.

Starting point is 00:02:43 Ding ding, here comes the scat bus. Bap ba-dilly- Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy of my tropes you can't think of one of my tropes you've got loads of tropes this one pointing pointing at me that's me i point you're a trope yeah you're a living trope can i say something before this nonsense devolves into an absolute haywire this is the worst fucking i know i agree with you thanks everyone for your concern after last week i'm much better now thank you that's why i just i am not deep down inside i'm better you'll never you'll never you'll never cure yourself for what's wrong with your deep inside. I want you to hear that from me. You've gone so-

Starting point is 00:03:29 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in monster mode this week. You have, you've gone real dark. Monster, monster. We were having a lovely time doing a little bit of research into our back episodes for the upcoming project. Yeah, yeah, project. Before we started recording everyone. And then I saw it in your eyes.

Starting point is 00:03:45 It's because you set me off with your seagull. You set me off with him and now here we are. I'll beckon him back. You can fuck right off. All right that's it. Johnny Seagull. Johnny Seagull. No good stuff. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Chief Show. Oh fuck off honestly. good stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, fuck off. Honestly. Press the fucking credits. Welcome to Jeep Show. Sources and words and phrases. Two things I am responsible for. Chodney, Chodney Borough. I hate you. I've got to be you as a bossy. Jeep Show to my mama mine.

Starting point is 00:04:57 Jeep Show to Cheap Show. It's Cheap Show time. I am honestly much better. It's Cheap show time. I am honestly much better. It's cheap show time. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. The economy, the trash, bollock. I'm jump, jump. I'm jump, jump. The economy comedy podcast.

Starting point is 00:05:17 Every time you interrupt me, I'm going to start the podcast from the start. Hello, welcome to cheap show to the economy comedy podcast where Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman, that's me and that's him, go through the charity shops, powerlands and bargain bins of Great Britain to find the treasure we find amongst the chat. Christ! You were thinking ahead of yourself, you need to reside in your mouth and as each word... I want you to reside in my mouth. As each word comes down the brain line. I want you to reside in my mouth. All right, I will later, okay? Yeah, I'll put my wee wee in your mam mam. That's not what I wanted. How dare you. I'll put my wee wee hole in your mouthy hole. Sometimes this is a podcast. Sometimes. This week we're not sure. I'll put my wee wee hole in your mouthy hole. No, well

Starting point is 00:06:05 done. Hello everybody, welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, we've got a packed show for you today. We do, Paul. What have we got coming up on the show today? Well, we're going to be living in your mouth this week. Everything that we're going to do today on the podcast involves putting things in our mouths. Oh great. We can't wait. Yes, because we love a bit of cheap mouth pleasure here on Cheap Show, don't we? We are big supporters of mouth joy, is what we like to call it, mouth joy.

Starting point is 00:06:36 Mouth joy and also putting our little wee wee hearts. Right, okay. Putting our wee wee hearts. You want to finish this so I can move on with the content? Tell me what fucking coming up on the fucking show. Would you? When you just talk about your wee wee pipe or whatever it is you say. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a weoc-Ni update coming for you. Oh my god, that's perked me up.

Starting point is 00:07:09 We have a Choc-Ni update coming. So hold on tight for that because we've got two exciting Choc-Nis. I fucking hate this show. And then we are going to be having some soda pops because we found an array of interesting drinks. And actually one of them isn't soda, but we'll allow it. We've got some lovely sodas. That is the weirdest one, the one that isn't soda. And it's quite expensive as well, I know, so that's against the format of this show. Now everyone will know that I'm usually a little bit more up for, you know, tasting unusual stuff than you. A little bit, I know you do it as well, I'm a little bit more brave. A little bit more of a wider sort of acceptance, but even... You have a wider palate.

Starting point is 00:07:49 I've got a wider palate. For your wee wee pipe. Yeah. Oh, the mucus has all started to... No, it's all lovely stuff to hear in my earphones as we're recording this. But Paul, just a little update from me, that is actually turning my stomach with the thought of it, that thing that isn't the soda, which is coming up later, everyone. Well, we're going to find out. I think it's going to be like, well, you know what, I'll hold my thoughts on that. So, yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:13 Paul, I have prepared something for today's episode. Yeah, can I just say the last thing on the show before you again interrupt me? We're starting from the start. No, no. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show to the Economy Comedy Podcast. And this week, Eli's up on pee pee pipes. Go on, say it. No, no, I'll say it. I don't know what I was going to say now. And then we're going to go to Candyland because we're going to go back to a site

Starting point is 00:08:31 we've not done in a while where we're going to look at some cheap sweet shop treats. And actually, we've got a new a new mascot for the candy section. Yeah, Candy Lad. He's coming in later. Candy Lad. The Candy Lad. And he said... He's a young man. Oh, I don't know. He wouldn't show me his photograph. He just said, I'm the he's coming in later. Candy lad? The candy lad. And he said... He's a young man.

Starting point is 00:08:46 Oh, I don't know, he wouldn't show me his photograph. He just said, I'm the candy... In an email. I'm the candy lad. And you invited them here? Yeah, he says he's a candy expert. I wish you would like run this past me at least. I mean, I'm not...

Starting point is 00:08:56 You never return my clothes. You know what I'm like with people. I'm not very good with people when they come. I know. Don't worry about it though. Well, what? I don't... He's gonna come by later.

Starting point is 00:09:04 I need to... With a few candy. No, don't worry about it. I might. I smell. You know, he knows. Oh, he knows. I briefed him in the email. In the email, I briefed him about your stench. And I had to use the word stench. It's not a smell.

Starting point is 00:09:14 It's a genuine, funky, foggy, stoty, stent. Stoty? A stoty scent. A stoty scent. Yeah, you've got a stoty scent to you. Stote? I think I've just quoted Bottom. Oh, really? Did they have a stoaty scent? Yeah, with the sex spray. That's it. Yeah. Musky stoaty. Stoaty's a good word. Yeah, but you know, you could be a stoat-like man. You know what? We

Starting point is 00:09:35 haven't covered stoats before. We've had ferrets. It's never come up, has it? The old stoats. Stoats are a good one, innit? Are they? Yeah. It's like a ferret but I think shorter, less sausage-like. I don't know what the difference is between a stote and a ferret. Oh, we were in the picture the other day. They've got lots of gerbil variants. Anyway, let's crack on with the show, shall we? What do you want to start with? Hamster variants as well.

Starting point is 00:09:56 The Hamster Variants, the new crime novel by Tom Clancy. Oh, you thought of a crime writer, well done. Well, he's more of a kind of political thriller kind of guy, but even that sounds good. The Hamster Variants. The Hamster Variant. By Tom Clancy. I would read it. I would also read Ferret Range by Agatha Twisty. No, it's called, no, it'd have to be called The Ferret Protocol.

Starting point is 00:10:15 I would also read something called Gerbil? Question mark. Question mark Gerbil. By Arthur Lowe. Arthur Lowe, the guy who did The Voice on Mr. Men? Yeah. And in Dad's Army? He's got a sideline in ferret based crime novels. Yeah. So hamster crime. Ferret, it's like a noirish kind of thing. Ferret? Yes. Ferret? What's those? That could be the name of a kind of cockney gangsta. Ferret? John Ferret. He's a bit of a woo kind of guy. John Ferret. John Ferret from Croydon? He lives in, no, he lives in like Whitechapel.

Starting point is 00:10:48 John Ferret lives in Whitechapel. Solves crimes, has a drinking problem. What's his little make-or? Mousy. No. Mousy and Ferret. The Stoat. The Stoat. I think we should move on.

Starting point is 00:10:58 John Ferret. No, we're fucking doing John Ferret and The Stoat. Hello, I'm John Ferret. We're doing The Stoat. Right, what's going on here then? here then yeah i'm gonna go out there and find some leads no i'm not talking to you the stoat you're meant to be like helping me so i'm on this crime scene what's going on here then he's been a double homicide oh stoat stop telling me what's happening i'm talking to this police officer what's

Starting point is 00:11:19 my point why do i exist you just wait until i get you into action when i unleash the stoat now you want me to whack you off again? Yeah. Alright. Now, in this crime scene, that's how I like it. Problematic. Please, all scamper all over me helmet. God almighty.

Starting point is 00:11:40 Oh, you came in his gunshot wound. Oh, yeah, that's the line. Shall we start the show now? Why are you choking on phlegm? I'm alright. Are you though? I'm ready for... We started this off Paul, by me saying I've prepared a bit.

Starting point is 00:11:55 So I do have a bit about the chutney. Alright, well tell you what then, without any further ado, come on, join the show, it's time for Cheap Show, So let's get on to our chutney update. Hello, everyone. Let me take you to an imaginary space, a space of possibility, somewhere down the line from sources. Up there around the creek is pickles, and there's a condiment tray, a rattle rattle in the horizon. Where are we?

Starting point is 00:12:26 We're in the Gulf of Chutney, where Chutney exists. This is the bit I prepared. Fuck me. That is. When I said prepared, I mean- Genuinely disappointing. When I said I prepared, I meant I thought of like, just where Chutney is in the space

Starting point is 00:12:46 of food. Where's the chutney? I still don't know. I don't know if that was completely successful. It's down the line from sauce isn't it? It's not quite a sauce. It's not like a Branston pickle although very close. It's close to being a pickle. Anyway, I'm just going to open the window. It's a chutney. I'm just going to open the window because the chutney owl has to come and bring in the chutney. Oh no, not the chutney owl. Yeah, hang on. Right, I'm just gonna open the window. It's a chutney. It's gonna open the window because the chutney owl has to come and bring in the Chutney owl. Oh no, not the chutney owl Hello chutney owl, I've got somewhere for you to perch

Starting point is 00:13:19 He's tippy tapping on my knob tapping on my knob. Can we please Paul? Wait he's going to regurgitate the Chucney pellets for us to sample today. Oh there it comes it's a very hard pellet. Is there another one Mr. Owl? Ooh! That pellet hit the table real hard. Yeah, go on. We still have nothing. Literally nothing. I mean Inch Man was a better character. Anyone remember that? An oldie? Oh no! Look out! He doesn't like Inch Man!

Starting point is 00:14:03 Fuck off Chutney Owl. He's gone to sleep. He has to take the cans back. We have two chutneys to taste here Paul. Two chutneys! Now you sent me a photograph of one of these a few weeks ago and I did a little come in my pants didn't I?

Starting point is 00:14:17 It's a very interesting chutney that I have not seen before. Seen before. So should we start with this? Yes, they are both from the same manufacturer of these two chutneys that we're covering. Oh they are, Ching's Secret. That's what it says there, Ching's Secret. Have we had them on the show before? That company. Yeah. I believe they are like a Bangladeshi or Indian company because it says look, it's got a little sign I love Desi, Chinese. Oh okay, what does that mean? I think they make, you know like

Starting point is 00:14:44 there's like, what were those brands in Britain called the Anglo Chinese like blue lotus is that one? Oh, yeah. Do Chinese things like blue dragon, which are I think British companies, but they But they're faking They do Anglo Chinese food. And I think this is like Bangladeshi Chinese. So that's what the Desi means. Yes. Desi refers to Bangladesh, I believe. Oh, okay. Does it say where it's made on it?

Starting point is 00:15:07 Let me see. Manufactured by Capital Foods. Oh yeah? Where though? India. India. Yeah. So let me have a look at this. Yeah. There's a place up the road from me that sells kind of international food.

Starting point is 00:15:19 And I popped in and I saw this and I thought, what a crazy concept it is. Sashuan Chukni. Do you know what I think we may have had one of their instant noodles these these chings people yeah a madras a sort of hot garlic madras which was like a stir-fried style instant noodles you remember those? Vaguely. I think we had. I think that's where they but this this that you initially showed me is a szechuan chutney. So remind us all what a Szechuan is. It's a area of China. Yeah. Famous for its cuisine. Hotpot. They have a very,

Starting point is 00:15:56 very hot pot. Szechuan is as a cuisine is defined by chilli and numbing pepper. Szechuan. Have you heard of Szechuan numbing pepper? Yeah. Now, I learned about numbing pepper the other day. They look like little peppercorns, they're little tiny things. But did you know they're actually a citrus fruit? Oh no, I didn't know that. Numbing pepper is actually little citrus fruits. Basically, Szechuan is defined by hot chilli and numbing Szechuan pepper. That's sort of like, in a similar

Starting point is 00:16:25 way, Cantonese cuisine, another regional Chinese variant cuisine, is defined by ginger, spring onion and garlic. These regions have these sort of preferred, and Szechuan is the spiciest of basically all of the Chinese regions. So mixing that with a chutney then, that's interesting, isn't it? Oh, I mean that works for me as an idea, definitely. It says here you can use it on most... it says chicken lollipops, I'm guessing that's... it's chicken lollipops by mixing the chutney with batter and serving it also as a dip. Also you can use it to fill out potatoes they're recommending or as on your pizza.

Starting point is 00:17:01 Anywhere chutney goes. Would you put like... I'd put some chutney on my pizza. Yeah, I would. I'd dunk some chutney around it. You'd put some chutney in your pizza. Anywhere chutney goes. Would you put like, I'd put some chutney on my pizza. Yeah, I would. I'd dunk some chutney around it. You'd dunk some chutney in your time. Well, I'll tell you what, then I'll give you the joy, the gift of the Shufflin' Hoof of this. So yeah. Now you see why I think this is sort of Chinese Indian

Starting point is 00:17:18 or Chinese Bangladeshi, because chutney is a sort of Indian dish, a chutney. Yeah. But Szechuan is obviously a region in China. So I think that's, I think this is a sort of Indian dish, a chutney. Yeah. But Szechuan is obviously a region in China. So I think that's, I think this is a sort of fusion item. Yeah. There you go. He pops it.

Starting point is 00:17:32 What do you get him from the snuff? What snuff? A very deep, savoury sort of tamarindy. There's a fruitiness and a very- Do you think it's going to be hot? There's a lemonyness, which is probably the pepper. Yeah. There's a sort of citrus. It's going to be spicy, There's a lemoniness, which is probably the pepper. Yeah. There's a sort of citrus.

Starting point is 00:17:46 It's going to be spicy, baby. It's not that bad. You can tell. I mean, it looks like a savoury citrus sort of odour. And it just, I don't know, to the eye. It looks powerful, like a red sludge, doesn't it? It looks like a chilli sauce to the eye. Oh yeah, like is that what you mean?

Starting point is 00:17:59 There is that kind of lemongrass stroke ginger tamarind thing going on. Ginger, yeah, that's the other thing. Yeah. Not unpleasant, is it? No, not at all. And it doesn't smell too vine Ginger, yeah that's the other thing, yeah. Not unpleasant is it? No not at all and it doesn't smell too vinegary which I was fearing this would be. Hopefully it won't be vinegary but it might be very hot so just be careful we're going to have a little spoonful guys. I'm going to have a little spoonful of it. Okay. And down the pipe it goes, cut to our reaction. Sweet, chunky, I can taste a chunk of ginger. Oh the heat, come on.

Starting point is 00:18:23 That's hot. That is hot. That's really nice though. That'd be lovely with some chicken. Whoa. Whoa, that's got a lot more heat than I expected. It's got a proper kick, baby. Oh mama. Wow.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Oh, it's still sparkling. Oh, that's hot shit, man. Oh. That's like hotter than all those sauces we tasted for that video, isn't it? Yeah. No, no, no, because that got pretty hot. But that is more hot than the bottom end of those sauces we tried. I would say mid pointy.

Starting point is 00:18:50 Yeah, okay. Because I can imagine. Got some heat. It's going to get a sweat on. It's sweet, it's hot, and I tasted chunks of ginger. There's sort of chunks. What makes it a chutney is the chunks. If it was pure smooth, it'd be more of a sauce, wouldn't it? Yeah. And those chunks give it a bit of texture and a bit more, it adds to the flavour more. Yeah. There's a little bit more going on your mouth. It's a chutney. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:08 Hey, I would have that on a pizza. I would have that on fucking chicken. Very nice. You know what I mean? That goes, that's really nice. That's surprisingly nice. Very, very good. Right. Are you getting any numb though? A little bit, but I don't know if that's just not the heat. Yeah, they're related, but not the same.

Starting point is 00:19:22 There's a fine line between like the numbingness and then the heat sparkles. Chilly heat and numbingness, yeah. So what's number two from the same company, Ching's? Ching's, Secret. Yeah. Does it say secret? Yeah, it's Ching's Secret. Yeah. It's not much of a secret is it? We put it in the fucking shops Ching. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's not that secret. You're not secret at all. It's like those fucking pubs. Come up to our secret beer garden. Fuck off, you mean the back. You mean the fucking back. You want to go out the back door and have a smoke. Go out the back door and have a smoke with some bucket full of fag ends.

Starting point is 00:19:51 Imagine if the children's book, The Secret Garden, was just about a Victorian smoking area in the back garden. The secret smoking garden. Yeah, the smoking smoking area. This is Dragonfire chutney. So that was pretty hot and that was the Szechuan. So what is the Dragonfire? And it looks like there's some kind of, what's it say?

Starting point is 00:20:09 Action hero on the jar. Looks like he's in the Matrix or the Indian remake of the Matrix or something. He's bound to be to some extent. A Bollywood action star. Yeah, modeled on that. So this is a Fire Chney, dragon fire chutney. This is green, much greener in hue. What's it saying it's got in this now? It's got cotton seed oil, preservatives, water, chillies, ginger, salt, garlic, onion.

Starting point is 00:20:36 What makes it dragon fire? It's going to be hot as fuck. It's green as fuck. It's like pesto. I like pesto. You're going to let me have this? I love pesto. Mate, when it comes to chutneys and sauces, you're in charge of the opening, Hey pesto mate. I like pesto. You're gonna let me have the sauce? I love pesto. Mate when it comes to chutneys and sauces you're in charge of the opening Hoffgambit. I think that's only fair. That's fine.

Starting point is 00:20:50 In the same way like candy is my for take. Here's a little tip for you. Pesto and pasta yeah? Everyone knows about that. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. On soup. Little spoon on top of the soup. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:59 Have you ever had that? Oh yeah. Really? Yeah we've been doing it for donkey's years. But oh mate. Little bit of pesto on some fucking soup. Little bit of pesto! Especially if it's like a leaking potato.

Starting point is 00:21:08 Pesto's a good sauce. Classic sauce. Can't go wrong with pesto! It's quite chutney adjacent though, isn't it? They are. Here's an off-brand brand off. Pestos. I would do that.

Starting point is 00:21:17 Expensive versus the cheap stuff. Right, off-brand brand off coming soon. Pesto. Pesto change-o. Off-brand brand off is where we blind taste test. Don't... we'll explain when we get there. Just enjoy this for now. This is already fucking 12 minutes. I'm giving it a little shake so the oil mixes with the...

Starting point is 00:21:33 because there's a bit of oil separation on these chanties. A little bit of separation. Now... Although I did give that a bit of a stir before I put it in my mouth. I'll tell you what, I'm expecting this green one to be much drier, less sweet than that Szechuan. Fireier. Yeah, with a more of a grassy, fresh green sort of odour. Do you know what I'm getting at? Like an oniony maybe. A bit green and oniony. Yeah, come on. Twist it. Oh, you

Starting point is 00:21:53 heard nice. Yeah, that little pop. Yeah. That's your guarantee of freshness everyone. This is fucking fresh chutney. He's just popped the chutney hymen. Yeah. To get it. Oh, that sounds so wrong. He's going to dip his big spoon. That's the wrongest thing you've said. He's going to dip his big spoon. That's the wrongest two word Chuckney phrase of the whole day.

Starting point is 00:22:11 Chuckney Hymen? Come on, love. Show us the old Chuckney Hymen. Yeah, I mean, you know. Yeah, I get it. The connotation's so bad. Is it what I'm saying? Is that, you know, when you pop the lid,

Starting point is 00:22:21 it's like you're just knocking the back of the Hymen out. Right. I'm sorry. Sniff it. Come on, it's already up 12 minutes. Oh exactly as I thought. Delicious smell. Oh it's got that green, fresh, earthy almost, grassy almost. Oh lovely. I'm going to close it and hand it to you. Just so we don't have an accident with the chutney in here because that will stain your carpet. It does look like pesto to the eye, it's funny. Yes, but it doesn't... smell it. What's the smell notes we're getting?

Starting point is 00:22:49 Yeah, I agree. There's more freshness, there's more herb, there's more grass there. A little herby grassy. A bit more vinegary, maybe. Okay, well, we'll see. We'll see. He's got a nice, generous spoonful. Down it goes. More stringent. More vinegary, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:03 And more like the heat is less warm and like, you know, like the last heat was kind of like fireplace and this is more like... Oh, that's hot though, isn't it? This is more like electric shock heat. This is actually hotter. I think it is. Whoa. But it feels like a needle rather than a fireplace. Yeah, I know what you mean. It's a... It's got sweat on it. That is hot. That's a lot hotter than we thought. on here. That is hot. That's a lot hotter than we thought. Although in both cases, perfectly fine hot sauce is hooking out. Got that in the wrong pipe. That is hotter. I can feel that going down into my stomach. I can feel my stomach lining burning. Oh god. It feels like someone's pulling a burning rope down my gullet. Oh my wow.

Starting point is 00:23:45 Oh, both good, but I think we were taken a bit back by that. Very fiery. Right. So I'm going to say I think I prefer the Sash one. The Chutney one, it's a bit more palatable, it's more versatile. That is for serious heat heads, that second one, the Dragonfire one, isn't it? Yeah, that is for serious... What do you have that with? Well, you can have it with meat.

Starting point is 00:24:03 I mean, it has it with kebabs and stuff here and things, but I mean... That's for people who seriously like some heat. I think the Chutney, the Sash one, it's just more versatile. I can imagine using that elsewhere in more places. It's sweeter. You tend to like sweeter stuff. I don't think it's even the sweet stuff. I just think there's more flavour there. There was, yeah. I agree. That was just a bit extreme, the Dragonfire one.

Starting point is 00:24:21 Heat is heat, but I always prefer heat with a flavour profile. Like, you know, we did the video and there was that super hot one but it had a peach thing going on and it was like, oh okay. You like that better, yeah. So what do you prefer then out of those two? I don't know, that's quite impressive that green. The green dragon. The green, green dragon.

Starting point is 00:24:35 You need to come to the close of the mic. I think you're right though at the end of the day. Boosting your fucking sound every fucking week. Go on. I think you're right though at the end of the day. The Szechuan is a bit more interesting on the tongue. And definitely for the lay person, easier to get down the gullet without... My lips are on fire. Mine are on fire. I'm gonna need a drinky break. Actually we've got some

Starting point is 00:24:53 drinks coming in the next section. Solves that mystery. So to wrap it up, do you fancy eating the Chuk Niao? Oh it's like chicken.'t it? I was thinking we could just take a wink. Shhh. He's over there just pecking around. Come here you little... You little motherfuckers! Right put the cooker on! Put the oven on. We're gonna have Chutney Owl. I hope he doesn't taste like chutney because that'd be double chutney. Double Chutney Owl. And that is how we're ending this segment. Well you, it was your idea mate. I know I doesn't taste like chutney because that'd be double chutney. Double chutney owl. And that is how we're ending this segment.

Starting point is 00:25:26 Well it was your idea mate. I know I don't really want to kill the chutney owl though he's my favourite. I like him dead. God almighty. We can stuff him if you're really sad. We'll stuff him and we'll just put a little button like a Billy Bass or whatever. Right. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo It's the ghost of the Chutney Owl everyone. Oh mate, we've created a Chutney Owl ghost now. Oh, that's going to ruin things for us all. The Phantom Chutney Owl everyone.

Starting point is 00:25:51 Well I wonder what wacky adventures we're going to get up to with the Chutney Owl ghost in the future. You know what's quite good? You don't even have to open the window because he's now a phantom and he can just go through ethereally. Yeah, but he can also live in your cock, become the Chutney Owl of Eli's bell end. And that is how we are now ending this segment. No good, I'm glad you came up with that last idea.

Starting point is 00:26:19 Soda jerk time everybody! Yes, it's time for us to taste some sodis and we've got a non-soda one as well which has been turning my stomach Paul, we've got a totally new Dr Pepper, should we start there? Where do you want to start? I thought we'd start with this because you've got the phone open and you check it out. No let's start with the Dr Pepper because it's probably the most boring but I did want to taste it. So Dr Pepper, I mean what's the worst that can happen with Dr Pepper really?

Starting point is 00:26:42 They still use that phrase? I don't know. I thought that was quite amusing because then because then what does he someone's mum comes and wrestles him to the floor or something? That gets knobbed off by his nan and it's like awesome. Does he get knobbed off by his nan? Yeah, by his nan and the Dr Pepper adverts. They're very much sort of a 90s style ad.

Starting point is 00:26:58 It's like that sort of transgressive like the tango or a little bit. But nowhere near as impactful as the tango ads unfortunately. It'd be like there's a hole in the wall in a bathroom cubicle and there'd be a man and then it'd be Dr Pepper what's the worst that can happen and he gets noshed off by someone in a cubicle. Why is that bad? It's not bad. That's what I'm saying what's the worst that can happen? You get your dick sucked. I think that's weird. Why is everything with you? I don't understand. Can you just tell them what it is before you open it please? My dick needs a lot of attention at the moment. It feels neglected. I don't really want to hear about it. The big boss feels, what's the word I'm

Starting point is 00:27:32 looking for? Jilted. The big boss feels jilted? Yeah. Right. And what does this have to do with me or any of one of this listening, Paul? Oh, you'll find out. Oh, really? You'll find out what it means. Stop fingering the ring pool, please. And tell everyone what this is. We are about to drink a Dr Pepper drink, zero sugar, cherry crush. Why did you get this? Because it is a limited edition, you'll see, from the top of the can.

Starting point is 00:27:59 It's new. And you know what? Yeah, it says limited. Do you know why I think they're doing this? Because you can get cherry, you get cherry Dr Pepper, don't you? Pretty sure. You know, you do. And I love that. I love cherry Dr Pepper.

Starting point is 00:28:10 Question. Yes. I thought Dr Pepper already had a cherry profile note to it, flavour-wise. It does, but it also has a Dr Pepper cherry. Dr Perineum. Yes. What's the worst that could happen? Your perineum could fall out.

Starting point is 00:28:25 And then it would just be, you'd be in the Chutney Canyon. Chutney Valley. So, what has been the biggest... Cherry Pepsi Max. Good. Has been the biggest success of recent times in the world of... I don't know about that. Zero.

Starting point is 00:28:39 What's been bigger? Don't care. What's been a bigger breakthrough soda of recent years? Can you mean breakthrough soda? Just because you and a few people drinking. A few people, Paul. I think you're denying the reality of this. Just because a few stupidly minded idiots think talking about Cherry Pepsi Max is something to be proud of.

Starting point is 00:28:53 I'm not saying something to be proud of. The fact of the matter is, Paul. There's something cool like about it, which I don't like. Yeah. I don't like it. Now, I believe Dr Pepper owned by Coca-Cola. Yeah. So, Coca-Cola are scrabbling around to try and find a product as successful as Pepsi Max Cherry. And you think this is what they're going to get? I think they're

Starting point is 00:29:11 trying here with this sugar-free cherry crush. Why is it different from their cherry, their sugar-free Dr. Pepper cherry? I don't know. I think they're trying, I reckon this is going to be a close analogue to a Pepsi max cherry taste. Oh look, I scanned the barcode on the side and it said try more weird. So I scanned it and it took me to a website with like a doctor with a cherry, doctor cherry crush head. Oh there he is, ooh. That's a bit demented. Seduce your crush with Dr Pepper.

Starting point is 00:29:40 These days lovers can come and go faster than a peregrine falcon on an e-scooter. Fuckin hell. But in Dr. Lerv's professional opinion, there can only be one way to break the ice and fall head over heels, and that's to try more weird with a cherry on top. To celebrate our new crush, we are offering a chance to win weird romantic prizes. Scan the thing, answer a question, go back and blah blah blah. Who gives a fuck, no one wants that. And you can win a bra and you can win some socks and a ring and it looks like a double hoodie, like one hoodie with two hoods to someone to wear with two people. A double person hoodie.

Starting point is 00:30:16 And that's it, that's all it says, there's no exciting flavour profile. They're sort of, perhaps they've timed it because you said Dr. Love and it was Valentine's. They timed it, the release and on the design you can see the cherries are shaped like little love hearts, aren't they? They are and there's little lips on the thing. And there's a leaf, a cherry leaf that looks like a pair of luscious lips. Luscious lips. So I'm going to open this now.

Starting point is 00:30:38 And have a sniff. Before you pour please have a sniff. It smells exactly like cherry Pepsi Max. I knew it. I was right, wasn't I? They're trying to copy the Pepsi Max cherry. You weren't getting any Dr Pepper notes. Yeah, a little.

Starting point is 00:30:51 No, I am. I'm getting that Play-Doh-y. A little. That Dr Pepper Play-Doh-y. No, you're right. But it does still... Actually, you know what? I'll recount my earlier statement.

Starting point is 00:30:59 It does still smell like cherry Pepsi Max, but now that it's settled in the glass, yeah, I can taste or sense that Dr Pepper... That kind of Play-Doh-y....muskiness. Yeah, Play- taste or sense that Dr Pepper. That kind of play doughy. Muskiness. Yeah, play doughy. Yeah. Oh, that's really… Funky.

Starting point is 00:31:10 It's almost an almond smell. Yeah. You know, that sort of play dough, I'm talking about that. Well, I'm going to taste it. I would argue that barely has any flavour. At all. It's there. It's not like it's flavourless.

Starting point is 00:31:19 Oh god, that's terrible. But there's nothing up front. It's like it's got a cherry at the back end, but there's nothing on the front. You're absolutely right. That's watery nonsense. I'm surprised how bad that is. That's really empty. It really is.

Starting point is 00:31:31 And I like Dr Pepper and I don't mind diet Dr Pepper. Diet Dr Pepper's okay, yeah. And it's very popular. Sugar-free Dr Pepper is one of the most popular sort of sugar-free sodas. Apparently, okay. Either way, there's neither one or the other enough flavor. It's neither... there's not enough pepper and there's not enough cherry. Very bad. Very bad.

Starting point is 00:31:51 It's middle ground crap. That is terrible. Well, it's only limited edition. They're not going to get good feedback about that. Well, we're going to give that... I'm going to give that... I'll be generous and say 1.5. I'm going to say 1. I mean, it's really distasteful. Nasty. Just... yeah, just vapid. Terrible. What do you want to do next then? Coca-Cola failing. That is never gonna be as popular as Pepsi Max Cherry, is it?

Starting point is 00:32:12 Who gives a fuck? They don't give a fuck. They don't think this is gonna be a long-lasting thing. This is a gimmick for Valentine's Day. Fuck off. Done. Do you know what? The best thing about it is the actual design of the can, which is kind of fun, isn't it? Yes. No? You've got nothing positive to say? Not really because at the end of the day I don't care what it's served in, if it doesn't taste like anything what's there to talk about? You know, you're always criticising sugar-free drinks for having that empty taste. That is one of the worst I've ever had. That's almost as bad as those iron broods we had. It's all sweetener. Yeah, all just taste of aspartame basically, faint little cherry. That's a terrible, terrible soda. Which one? I think

Starting point is 00:32:48 you're being way too... I think we should go for the Rue of Fissa. All right, okay, so what are you going to give it then out of five? I'll go one. I think that's one of the worst I've had in ages. I will say this. I was surprised how bad that was. Yeah, I would say this though. It's not like it tastes horrible, it just doesn't taste. Yeah. Anyway, drink number two is called Go, carbonated water based Roo Afsa drink, AFZA. Now Afsa, you may be wondering what is Roo Afsa? I also was wondering how you say Roo Afsa. I hope that's not... It is a drink which is a concentrated squash.

Starting point is 00:33:22 So in its original form it's like a Ribena, I guess. I mean, the cover is like cranberry juice almost splashing against the can. It's a bright red splashy. And it says go! So it's an energy drink. Maybe it's an energy drink. But let's see. Concentrated squash. It was formulated in 1906 by Hakeem Abdul Hamid and launched from Old Delhi, British India during the Raj. Yeah, it would have been like the, what do they call it, champagne colas. It kind of goes back to that era.

Starting point is 00:33:48 It's one of these, for want of a better term, world sodas, heritage world sodas. International sodas. Yeah, international Inca cola from Peru, right? Yeah, which is nice. I like those champagne colas. Which is a champagne, fucking great. But you know what, I think the favourite one we've had was that Swedish Sport Cola. Oh, what was that called? Yeah, that was nice. It's called Sport Cola, I think.

Starting point is 00:34:09 Yeah, that was good. And it's still going to this day. This brand. Is it a type of drink or is it this brand? Currently, Roo Afsa is manufactured by the companies founded by him and his sons, this guy. Oh, okay. And it's manufactured in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. So that's Roo Aftar, that's the syrup. But this is a sub product. Who actually made these? It's made by, manufactured by that company you said, but it's called Private Equity or something. Yeah, Hamdard.

Starting point is 00:34:34 Yeah, Hamdard. That's the name of the brand. Yeah. So there we go. I'm going to open this. You give it a sniff. So this is a whole, it's like Vimto, you know, it's a proprietary fruit mix, basically. Do you know what it smells like? Those little waxy cherry lips. Oh, you love those, don't you? I fucking love them. This smells really floral. Not potpourri-esque, but not potpourri-like, if that makes sense. There's a little floral there, yeah. I think they just mentioned saffron.

Starting point is 00:35:00 It just says on the back with pressed flowers or something or other. Fruits. Yes, fruits and flowers. That's very much a cranberry red kind of drink. It's got a good colour. Almost Tizer-like. Yes. I like the colour on this Rue Afsa Go. Right, let's give it a go.

Starting point is 00:35:14 Oh, it's very, you know what it smells like to me? Turkish delight. Oh, I can see that. It's the same basic genus. It's a flowery, potpourri sort of. Sweet flowery thing. Let's go. There's a bitterness.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Almost like pomegranate-y. Yes. I don't know if I like it. I don't like it. But I don't hate it. No, there's a bitterness. It's very sweet up front and then there's a sort of a bitter finish. Like Campari, sort of a bittery sort of, you know.

Starting point is 00:35:35 It's that profile. It's pomegranate, Campari, that kind of sweet berry, but yet bitter. It's, you know what? I can imagine. It's a bit perfumey. It's a bit perfumey. I kind of like that, personally speaking. I've always kind of like perfumey drinks and sweets. This one, I think is weirdly a bit too sweet to enjoy.

Starting point is 00:35:53 It's very sweet, isn't it? I could do with being drier. Yeah. But still fine. I'm going to give this a three. Yeah, it's not, it's definitely something that you'd sort of, you can imagine someone craving this, you know what I mean? With some icing, hot day, nice. That would work, definitely work in a very hot climate. And with a mixer maybe. It's like a sort of, dare I say it, grown up vimto sort of flavour. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:13 You know what I mean? It is. A sophisticated vimto sort of flavour. Yeah, less grape and stuff and more flowery. Yeah. Well I give that three, I quite like that, but yeah, it has to be in a very particular mood for it. I'll say three as well.

Starting point is 00:36:24 Right then. If you didn't't like if you don't like fries Turkish delight you're not gonna like this no it's that floral note so don't have it if you don't like it I've been putting off our last one but it's got one more yet to go I know this isn't the last one everyone this is just something I wanted to taste because it has been popping up in shops a lot I think there is a there's a gap on the market you know what the gap is shaped like? Lilt. There's a lilt-shaped gap on the market. Wait, isn't lilt now Fanta?

Starting point is 00:36:49 Fanta Tropical is what they call lilt. But that's bullshit because no one's, you know. With the totally tropical taste. No one knows that. No. And so what is this? This is Levi Root's Caribbean Crush with real grapefruit, mango and pineapple juice. And if I may, Mr Silverman, there is a legend text on the back for Mr Roots himself. May I read it to you?

Starting point is 00:37:10 Okay, let's hear what Mr Roots himself has to say about this drink. My story started from humble beginnings in the tiny village of Jamaica called Content. Why does this make me want to buy your fucking soda? Because if you remove the corporation element of it and make it more homely, it's more familiar and therefore more approachable to the general public. And it also leans on towards the audience he's reaching out to. It's like Rastafarianism lights, right? Yeah. So it feels really cynical. Like it like he's exploiting his Jamaican background almost to sort of, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:46 Well let me finish reading it. So yeah, village in Jamaica called Content, where, or content, or content. It's called content. Yeah. Where my grandmother- It's where they do YouTube videos there. Yes. Where my grandmother taught me the art of mixing Caribbean juices and where I first discovered my love of reggae music.

Starting point is 00:38:04 Reggae? Why? Has reggae got anything to do with it? Go on, join me on my journey to put some music in your glass. More love. No. That's what it says, more love. I don't buy this. Who's Levi Roots? Is he a reggae singer? No, yes, I mean he does sing and play the guitar, but he won Dragon's Den. With his hot sauce or his sauce or whatever.

Starting point is 00:38:31 What's it called? Reggae, reggae sauce? Yes. Keith Valentine Graham, 1958, better known as Levi Root, is a Jamaican-British businessman and celebrity chef currently residing in North Hamptonshire. He first came to prominence on the fourth season of Dragon's Den with his sauce and now he's worth an estimated 30 million. Fuck. So let's try this. So we started in the sauce game, which is appropriate for what we're doing. We're going from sauce to drinks. So yeah. Have you ever had Reggae Reggae Sauce? I think we had it on the podcast.

Starting point is 00:38:54 It's all right. It's kind of like a it's a sort of spicy HP, you know, it's like a spicier HP. So question. It's a fruity brown spicy HP, I'd call it. Fine. With a little bit that pepper of. Question! It's a fruity brown spicy HP I'd call it, basically. Fine. With a little bit of that pepper spice in it. The jerk spices. Yeah. But very much for a sort of, for want of a better expression, western palate. So here's the thing. It's sort of dumbed down, a dumbed down chilli. Here's the question though, what was it about

Starting point is 00:39:17 him on Dragon's Den that got him the deal? It was his charm, he did a song, they all loved the song. And that's it. And they had a piece of jerk chicken or something and they were like oh this is nice and you can sing. And that is the way that he's made the fortune is he markets himself doesn't he? It's there on that can that's what he does. It's the legend this sort of homey... Yeah because he looks to be fair generic reggae artist kind of pose on this. Yes with the dreads and so forth yeah. I just find it a bit sort of cheesy and... But it's no different than like the uh who's the actor who did the fucking sources? Newman's own. You know what I mean? It's not too dissimilar to that.

Starting point is 00:39:51 No but he but Newman was a celebrity before he made sources. I know. Levi Roots was not going to be a famous musician who then when he was on Dragon's Den. But my point is they're kind of personality led brands like Lloyd Grossman and his sources or Jamie fucking Oliver. He's formulating himself into that market. Absolutely fine. And obviously, and also he's sort of like the mascot for his own products.

Starting point is 00:40:16 He is his own mascot. The thing with this is, right, I get the impression that someone just came up to me one day and went, can we stick your name on these tropical flavored sodas? And he went, ah, alright then. He's doing everything. There's like, there's so many different products now. There is a QR code. Every fucking drink's got a QR code these days. But anyway, let's open this and see what I mean. You know what I'm hoping for? Something similar to Lilt.

Starting point is 00:40:38 Yeah, that's nice. Or if the fates ever allow, that Quattro drink from the 80s I've been dying for. I'm still waiting for that elusive drink to copy that flavour profile completely. Don't you, didn't you think Rubicon, Rubicon Guava was it? No, I can't remember what it was, but there was something like that. That was very similar, but not quite. Rubicon Pomegranate. I guess what this smells like.

Starting point is 00:40:59 What? Quattro. It does. It smells pretty nice actually for what it is. It's mango, pineapple and what? Grapefruit. Yeah, so Lilt was just grapefruit. Pineapple and grapefruit, wasn't it? This has mango in it. It's got a lovely flavor profile, but again. Oh, that's just that very generic. Generic, but familiar. Tropical. Nice. I'm fine with it. It's a yellow, pale yellow color. Almost exactly the same color as Lilt.

Starting point is 00:41:20 I don't know, to be fair, Lilt is more seafood. This looks more... It's a little bit cloudier than lilt, yeah, but similar to... Faux cloudy. It's very dense. It's almost like my piss after too many ready breaks. Ready break makes your piss thicker. I don't know. It makes mine thicker. No it doesn't.

Starting point is 00:41:35 It comes out all white and I have to kind of force it out by jerking it. No, what you're doing there is wanking off, Paul. Really? Yes. It's not what my mum told me it was. When the white stuff comes out the pee-pee hole... No, my mum said it was just thick wee. And then he's helping out to talk me how.

Starting point is 00:41:48 I'm not into this. Thick wee! Just thick wee! I've tasted the drink everyone. God, you're such a prude. It's just thick wee. I'm a prude. Yeah. And your mum is sucking you off and spooning your gouges into her gut hole. That's not how she framed it. And you know it. Stop twisting my words. Right, here we go, I'm gonna drink it. Thick wee. It's fucking disappointing. Most disappointing drink of the show so far, apart from the Dr Pepper.

Starting point is 00:42:09 Again, where's the flavour gone? Fucking bullshit. No flavour. That is a lazy drink. That's like a ghost or something. It's the ghost of Lilt. It's the ghost of Lilt. How is it you can have something that smells that strong and promising and then you drink it and there's nothing? The carbonation's really bad as well. It's really flat. There's no the bubbles are bad aren't they? Yeah I still think the Dr Pepper's worse. Yeah. Because that's watery and this still has a certain amount. It has a sweetness you're right it has a bit more flavour

Starting point is 00:42:34 on the back end definitely. And it doesn't have that sweetener thing going on. It doesn't have the sweetener thing going on. Not good though. Very boring. Two. Yeah. I think it's a two yeah. What did we give this one the go? I said three. I think I said three as well. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a two, yeah. What did we give this one? The go? I said three. I think I said three as well. Alright, so now it's on to... The wild card. This is not soda. This is not... Well, let's just pull the bandaid off. Starbucks. Oh my god, he likes Starbucks.

Starting point is 00:42:56 Cheese latte flavour. Milky cheese latte coffee drink. This is a new one for me. Apparently that's something they drink. I would like this to have been colder before we drank it but you know. What can you do? C'est la vie. So yeah it's got water, sugar, skim milk, whole milk, light cream, coffee, cheese powder. What does that mean cheese powder? Like whey or something? Well we're going to find out. Yes whey. Well we're going to learn the hard way if this is going to make us vom vom. Right. Give it a shake. Wake the bottle, shake the

Starting point is 00:43:28 drink. Who said that? Now, I think it's like cheesecake is a sweet cheese thing. And you do get cheese coffee cake, don't you as well? Yes. Have you ever had a cheesecake, coffee flavoured cheesecake? Yes, of course. Lovely. Cheesecakes fine as a concept, but this isn't cheesecake, it's cheese latte. Yeah, but it's probably sweet. It probably tastes a bit like a cheese coffee cake. As I say, we're going to find out. I just hope it doesn't taste of cheddar, because that would be fucking horrible. Or Stilton. Yeah. Though my dick ends up smelling a bit like cheese. Your dick ends up stinking with cheese.

Starting point is 00:43:58 Stilton. So that's me with the blue veins running through it. Oh, the blue veins running through it, yes. Right, here we go, the lid's off. Give it a sniff. Hmm. What's the smell? It doesn't smell horrible.

Starting point is 00:44:09 It smells like a latte, you know, a tinned latte you get from Starbucks. However, there is a tiny, tiny twinge of cheese. Of just thicker cream. Okay. Oh, God. I don't know why this is making me... It's almost green, the hue of this, isn't it? It's grey-y green.

Starting point is 00:44:23 Yeah, it's a weird colour. It is coffee coloured and it's latte. But it's almost green, the hue of this, isn't it? It's grey-y green. Yeah, it's a weird colour. It is coffee coloured and it's latte. But it's waterier than what I'd expect from a latte. So it does have a grey hue. Sniff again. That huff there was a little bit like toe jam. Is it footy? Foot, athlete's foot, stinky shoe. Oh, weird, weird, it's worse than the glass. All right, I'm putting in the glass. It's all right, I'm not getting any cheese.

Starting point is 00:44:51 No, but that's the thing, but you see what I mean? There's something there, there's a little tang of something. There's coffee, I'm getting vanilla. Like a spoiled cream note almost. Stop, you're just putting it in my head. I'm not, but that's what I'm getting, like a slightly turned double cream flavour. Well, let's find out. Down the hatch.

Starting point is 00:45:09 Tastes fine. It does taste fine. There's a very faint back note of cheese. A tiny bit? Not really. Just tastes like a tinned latte, doesn't it really? Yeah, but I'm trying to get. There is a sort of, yeah, it's like a creaminess. But I can't understand what is the point? Tastes like a cheese latte, must be a thing. The cheese powder isn't really adding anything to it really. No, well that wasn't as bad as I hoped it might be. I mean look my favourite one is the Go, the Rue Aza. You do like a flowery, an elderflower and that's probably its closest to a Danny Line and Burlock or an elderflower isn't it? Or a burdock as well just in case you want to just clarify that incorrect statement you said.

Starting point is 00:45:49 Dandelion and burlock. I'm Murdock. Daddy lion and burlock. I love it when a plan comes together. I'm daddy lion. And I'm gonna take your pants off with my teeth. I've shat them now. You still want them? Yeah. Let's go. No, that's the best character today. That's the best character. I'll eat your scary pants. Daddy lion. Daddy lion. The shit, the scat, obsessed. No, he just likes to eat crusty, shitty knickers. Like they can't be wet. They've got to go full-crossed on. Okay. So you could snap it like toffee. Right, see you after the break! Exciting times, Eli. A little update, Paul. Yeah? Chutney. Chutney. Repeating on me. Very much so. All a-wishy and a-splishy and a-sploshy in the tum-tums. All a-rolly and a-polly in the tum-tum-chutney. Chutney? The Chutney Echo. The Chutney Echo.

Starting point is 00:46:47 Yeah, I thought the cornet. Read all about it. The Chutney Echo. I've got the Chutney Echo. What's the report on the front page of the Chutney Echo? Eli's got the Echo. Aww. Eli's got the Tum Tum Blum Blum. Chutney Echo. The Chutney Echo, right. So.. At least the Chuckney Owl's dead. Exciting times, because I've got a new guy popping by to be in charge of our sweets and candy. Paul, there's always a new guy. We haven't done it in a while, because we've had a bit of a bad run, you know, with the

Starting point is 00:47:15 old sweet shop guy and then Willy Wanker. So this guy says he can show us magical things in candy. And we haven't done it in a while. And where is he? I believe he's outside. Go get him. Let me go get him. me go get him okay okay he's called you know the candy lad so call him that I know on the form it just says Bob Smith but he wants to be known as candy lad all right fine I'll call him whatever the fuck he likes

Starting point is 00:47:37 don't call him Bob all right I won't call him Bob call him candy lad candy lad yeah okay Candy Lad. Candy Lad, yeah. Okay. Hang on. Oh! Oh! It's candy time! Oh, hello there. Oh, hello boys and girls. Is it, what, sorry, how do I address you? Mr. Lad, is it? I am the Candy Lad. The. So it's first name Ver, second name Candy Lad.

Starting point is 00:48:05 All three today! All three. Candies and lollipops and moonbeam! I mean it says here that your name's Bob. Stupid boy! Sorry, I just met you. I'm the Candy Lad! Paul, can I have some backup?

Starting point is 00:48:17 Because this guy's fucking weird and I don't know about this at all. Yeah mate, are you... Can you tell us your credentials please? Because you know, it's not guaranteed you're gonna get the spot yet. I am a candy lad. I have a magical place full of candy. You do, yeah? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:36 And then what, so what, we have to go there? Oh, yes. So let's go then, I guess. Lollipops and moonbeams! Chicken lollipops? Chicken lollipops! You can have some chutney with that. Not for the candy lad!

Starting point is 00:48:52 Is there any candy chutneys in there? No. Is there any... Did you like the Levi Root drink? Neither did I. We didn't like it. No we didn't like it really. We liked it better than the Dr Pepper but that Dr Pepper was very bad. I put something special in it!

Starting point is 00:49:08 What do you mean? Actually, Paul, it's not a chutney echo, it's something worse. Yeah, I'm getting a bit wobbly in the head. That's right! I put some candy lot magic in it! You'll be coming with me now! I'm starting to feel very woozy. I think I'm having a dream. That's right!

Starting point is 00:49:29 Who's the butterfly man with the pink hair case? Go to sleep quickly please! Put the hair case in the pool! Lollipops and candy lids! Put the cupboard open, put the cupboard open, put the hair case in! Swishy swishy tail dishy, swishy swishy tail dishy! Put the cupboard in the hair case! Swishy swishy tail dishy, swishy swishy tail dishy! Put the cupboard in the hair case Batman! The cupboard!

Starting point is 00:49:48 Thick wee wee come out! DEEEEEE! Chicken lollipops! Are you awake Paul? Yeah and apparently I'm with Arnold Schwarzenegger as well at the same time. I was having a dream about my dick smelling of Stilton. So? Where are we. So where are we? Oh now you want to get involved. Yeah. Oh, I know you were just boring the shit out of me We're in a cave. We're in a cave. Oh, wait, there's a cassette here that says play me. Hang on

Starting point is 00:50:36 Where's the but there's a cassette recorder. I can't see a player How do you know where everything is in this cave? Not my first time. Oh, it's not your first time in this cave No, you know the candy lab then you've been very dece not my first time. Oh, it's not your first time in this cave? No. You know the candy lab then? You've been very deceitful towards me. We're not going to get into this right now. I owe him a favour. You owe so many people, Fraser.

Starting point is 00:50:53 I know, I know. Anyway, listen. It says put this cassette in here and then press play. Here we go. Hang on one sec. Hello boys. Welcome to the Candy Land Cave. You're in here until you taste my candy. Oh such sweet lollipops and sweetie nums, gummy drops and moonbeams. All you've got to do is taste these lovely items, and put the report in my bungalow and stick it up my pipe,

Starting point is 00:51:26 and then I let you out. Goodbye, if you don't do it in 15 minutes, I'll kill you. Right, stopped it. That's definitely a conceit that's been well thought out and is worth pursuing. And we're sticking with it this week. Right, we're in a cave, we've got to eat some candy.

Starting point is 00:51:43 Yeah, it's nice and warm though, at least, yeah. And what have we got? Let's get this one out of the way, because I guess I have to eat this, or at least, you know, they've only got the one of them. Have you got something to wash it down with? No, I'll just drink some of the Dr Pepper, it's the least offensive mouthwash there is.

Starting point is 00:52:01 So this is cream egg. We've had cream eggs on this show before. I don't like cream eggs I don't like them now. I used to love them as a kid, but now I find them sickly. They're very they're cloyingly sweet They're sickly sickly very very sickly worse. They're very sickly this particular cream egg is gonna be even worse Why is that poor? It's a white cream egg now You have a history because you wanted to be the Milky Bar kid No, okay, I didn't want to be my mother you wanted to be the Milky Bar Kid, didn't you? No, OK, I didn't want to be.

Starting point is 00:52:26 My mother wanted me to be the Milky Bar Kid. She was pushing... I failed the auditions. And you got given a load of Milky Bars. On one Easter, I had too many Milky Bar Eggs. Oh, it was a separate from the auditions? Yeah. OK, it wasn't the same interview?

Starting point is 00:52:38 I think my mum was trying to indoctrinate me into being the Milky Bar. The way of the Milky Bar. You know, like, it's like, if you want to be the Milky Bar, you've got to live the Milky Bar Kid life. You've got to live the Milky Bar lifestyle. know, like, if you want to be the Milky Bar, you've got to live the Milky Bar kid life. You've got to live the Milky Bar lifestyle. Yeah, and I couldn't. And you gorged yourself on a bunch of Milky Bars one Easter. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:51 And then what happened? I was sick out my mouth hole from my tummies. Was it all white chocolate coming out of your mouth? And was there a taste of it in your mouth as well? You know what? It did look like curdled cream. It looked like curdled cream when it came out. Now, I think this is the first time they've introduced a white cream egg.

Starting point is 00:53:03 I haven't seen them in previous years, Easter's, have you? It's like another bite of this. It's a is the first time they've introduced a white cream egg. I haven't seen them in previous years, Easter's have you? No, it's like another bite of this, it's a white cream egg, it's just a white cream egg. It's a white cream egg everyone. White chocolate isn't even real fucking chocolate. I'll bite the other end. Alright, okay. I do want to taste it. Fine, right here we go.

Starting point is 00:53:17 I'm going to nip the tip of the crown of the egg. How's that? No. You don't like it, is it setting it off? Just get it down, yeah. Come on. We've got lots to get through here. You know what I will say? Oh, I can't say. You know what I will say? Stop. I can hear the saliva in your mouth. Get it down. What I will say? I can't. You won't say. What will you say?

Starting point is 00:53:47 What will you say? What will you will say? The new gaur cream, whenever it's fucking cool in the middle, the fondant. The fondant. Take some of the edge off the chocolate. Now chocolate. Can I have a taste please?

Starting point is 00:53:55 Yeah, there you go. Have a bite of that. Yeah, it took quite a big bite off the rib. I always take a big tip off the top, mate. So he's biting it from the bottom now. It's all decomposed. It's all crumbly mash. That tastes like the cheapest Christmas chocolate. I don't like it. That's the other thing about white chocolate I don't understand.

Starting point is 00:54:10 Where's the yolk? It always tastes cheap. White chocolate always seems to purposely be designed to taste like cheap nasty chocolate. Well essentially it is isn't it? It is. It's much lower cocoa. Well there's barely any. Yeah it's just milk. It's sugar. God that's so sickly. That's the just milk. It's sugar. Yeah, God. That's so sickly. That's either thing It's compounded the sickliness too sickly don't like it. Oh, that's really really too sweet not a horrible thing Let's move on to our next. Oh my god Let's move on to something hopefully a little bit more fun Right, do we have to send something up the ship pipe?

Starting point is 00:54:39 No, we would do the report at the end. We do that report at the end. Well, it's not gonna get a good report for me No, that's not gonna get a good report from me either. That's a terrible egg. Right, what's the pot? Oh God, it's just too sweet in my mouth. Let's go with this one. I only got this from B&M because the title was funny. It's called Chug and Blow, Gum Powder.

Starting point is 00:54:58 I thought it was funny to say chug and blow, because you know. It's a pretend soda can. Yeah, it's called Screamers Chug and Blow, Sour Gum Powder, three flavors in one can blue ras of course pink lemonade and cola look if you look at the bottom segmented into three segments yeah so now I'm gonna peel the sticker blue one and pink one and a coalition colored one yeah I think it's gonna be one of these things where you twist the top to get

Starting point is 00:55:23 the different flavors out you yeah you just get a little hole at the top. Oh. So I'm gonna go with whatever this one is first. I think this is cola. Oh god. Oh! What a fuck- It's really sour. It's intensely sour. And it is, it's gum. It's blue bits in this. What? I think is it blue ras or cola? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:55:36 Oh, it's so dusty. Why is it dusty chewy? It's hard to tell what flavor that is, but I think you're right. I think that's the cola. All right, I'm gonna move it along. Oh, that's horrible. Blue ras, I think. think you're right. I think that's the cola. All right, I'm gonna move it along. Oh, that's horrible. Blue Razz, I think. Was that Blue Razz? I think that was Blue Razz. No, because this is blue. That looks like blue. It's been contaminated. The Blue Razz has got everywhere.

Starting point is 00:55:52 Right, here's the next one. Blue. It's just blue dust in your hand. Ooh! Oh, God. Sour. That doesn't even taste like Blue Razz. It just tastes like acid. Oh. What was it? It's gunpowder, everyone.

Starting point is 00:56:02 Pink lemonade. I don't know which one's which. Is it pink? I mean, I don't fucking know. What's that? It's all the same color. It's like gravel. It looks like gravel. Oh Such a horrible fucking sensation everywhere That is really unpleasant About that maybe your kid it takes ages for the gun part to come through until they're just chewing on rubbery dust Sour dust well done. Chuck. I've chugged that and I blow it out my fucking ass And it's called RAS and has gummies on the sour side right so these are just gummies now

Starting point is 00:56:40 Maybe they're better though these gummies and they have Four little creatures like jelly babies, but not quite. You've got purple Raz, purple Raz now. That's not a thing. What is? What is fucking wrong with you? I've had a sp- So purple Raz, blue Raz, red Raz.

Starting point is 00:57:00 They're all Raz. Green Raz. Really? Cola Raz. Cola Raz? Raz has just been used willy-nilly now. Raz has lost its meaning with all that repetition. It's lost its meaning. It's lost its Razamutaz hasn't it? Thank you. And it's full of yeah gummies. What are those? I hope they're better than these but they're the same company so they're going to have a similar. Paul you haven't said to everyone these

Starting point is 00:57:22 have like that fake sort of hazardous waste sign. You've got one there. The black on yellow like radioactive waste sign. But do you remember there's another brand of sour it's called radioactive sludge or something it's called. And that uses that as well. It's kind of the shorthand isn't it to say this is sour.

Starting point is 00:57:37 Sour, yeah. I wonder why that's become that. I listed all the things but it doesn't tell you what the flavour. It says has not ras. Has. As in hazard. It's not ras, it's has. No, they all say ras on in hazard. It's not rise. It has no twang They all say rise on the side on the side. Let me see rise rise rise rise rise rise rise rise

Starting point is 00:57:50 Rise no that says high it says rise. I'm the one wearing glasses I see my names are blue rise red rise purple rise green rise Cola rise No, it is it's gonna be has in it. No cuz has means hazard It's gonna be those round ones that are the hazard ones are you are going to be oh god I've got such a mix of we've had such a volatile mix of food stuff this week in my belly Can you hurry up with this? This is painfully depressing. It says right everybody. Thank you very much Cola rise because look on the other side. It just says has No, but look for the for the yellow nuclear warning sign gummies

Starting point is 00:58:25 yeah that says has. So what the fuck does has mean then? Hazard. What flavor does that mean? It's hazard flavor Paul. But then what does purple, ras mean? Red, ras, blue, ras, cola, ras? It means nothing. Right I'm opening these up I'm gonna have a little has first. You're gonna have a has has, has ras. Which is the little yellow one. Has ras. Oh they're quite cool aren't they quite like the build on that and they look like those are fantastic is what they're called tang fastics they do they're like gummies standard gummies I'm gonna have a blue rads it's a little gnome how was that low in flavor yeah that wasn't particularly there's a bit of lemon to it but it says containing super sour has so the one I had was allegedly a super sour

Starting point is 00:59:02 and I was like that's no big big thing. Does it taste of nothing? I tasted one that has one. I'll taste a little gnome then because I think they're meant to be not as sour as the yellow ones. They're not, but they're still... Try a yellow circle one. I had, I did. Oh, and yeah? It's sourer than that, better than that.

Starting point is 00:59:16 That's really horrible. The blue razz is horrible. It's really tasteless. Oh dear. It's really sort of flat. All sugar and fizz and nothing much else. Not really much sour going on there. No. They're terrible. Another one from Raz and Haz then unfortunately. Fine, not

Starting point is 00:59:29 offensive. I wouldn't chug. I take a little nibble then I blow it out my arse. This is from Zed Candy. We've had them on the show before. Have we? I think they used to do double dare beans and stuff. It looks like the packaging looks like a double dare packaging doesn't it? I guess. When you first showed it to me I thought oh is that a new double dare packaging, doesn't it? When you first showed it to me, I thought, oh, is that a new double dare thing? Although sour is always popular with candies at the moment. You always see sour stuff. Next one. Oh, let's do this one.

Starting point is 00:59:52 You wanted to bring attention to these. Oh, it's Dubai chocolate, Paul. Yes, and tell me why we're having Dubai chocolate. Dubai chocolate was made by one particular company, I believe. FIX Dessert Chocolatier was founded in Dubai in 2021 by Sarah Hamouda, a British Egyptian entrepreneur. She aimed to create chocolate bars that combined unique textures and flavours.

Starting point is 01:00:12 What is it with the entrepreneurs on this fucking show this week? Levi Stubbs? Yeah, Levi Roots, not Levi Stubbs. He was the one from Four Tops wasn't he? Levi Stubbs was the lead singer in the Four Tops. And the voice of Audrey II in Little Chapel Horrors. Yes. And I was almost named after him. Okay so it would have been Levy, Levi Silverman. That sounds alright though. It gives you kind of a Rock and Roll country western vibe. I think Levi's a good name. I like it. I like Eli as well though. Now she invented this stuff

Starting point is 01:00:40 and it was originally sold under the name can't get cafe of it cannafe cannafe of it can't get enough of it yeah cannafe cannafe which is the fondant nut based fondant that fills this chocolate yeah i'll give you a fucking nut based fondant love if you buy chocolate first gained widespread popularity. When on December 18th 2023 an influencer under the username mariavahira257 posted a video on tiktok showing her eating one of these various types of chocolate so it's literally and what i've noticed is around me there's a lot of places that sell Turkish stuff isn't it sorry baklava yeah and and so on. I think they're called baklavases or something, actual shops that, like cake shops for baklava. But they always have, in the windows in recent

Starting point is 01:01:31 times they've had, we have Dubai chocolate, you know, it's been this big sort of trend. And I've tasted some versions and it's nice. I think it's nice. It's basically a pistachio creamy fondant in some milk chocolate. go I'm gonna go into individual ones these were two for a quid so not too bad 50p each is a little bit steep but let's see it's a very small they go for six seven quid these bars that's fucking crazy it's like those power drinks that were popular because some fucking youtuber neck crime yeah it's like it's now you get it for like people are giving it a crazy imagine you paid 150 quid for a can just because you're a kid and now you can just get it

Starting point is 01:02:04 it's the beast had one! Yeah. Oh, fuck that, cunt. Right, let's get on with this. Try that. I've had it before, so I wanna know. It's got a green filling, which is the pistachio. Little bit crystal-y, crystal, is that,

Starting point is 01:02:15 you're getting that sort of a sugar crystal in the filling. What do you think? That is really nice. It's nice, isn't it? I didn't think I was gonna like that. Yeah. But it's nice and creamy, but the nut stuff in it isn't awful, it's more like.

Starting point is 01:02:24 A praline. Or, it's more like the kind of nut flavor you get from a Toblerone. Yes. It's got much more of that kind of, it's just there crumbly in the background. It's good, isn't it? Every other bite would then it's like smooth and creamy. It's a nice confection. That is much better than I thought. I thought it was going to be rancid. For something that is purely just a TikTok trend that's come out of nowhere, that is actually quite tasty thing, isn't it? There you go, Dubai chocolate. Hopefully it will come down in price. Got more things than we're done. Oh, gosh, I don't know if my tummy can take it.

Starting point is 01:02:51 Now, we haven't had something on the show when it comes to candy that is toyetic. So I've got two toyetic things for you to enjoy. The candy is gonna be shit, let's not bother with the candy, just review. Don't you remember the fish shop Spiderman song thing? That was classic. That was one like that. Now, that was one of these toys that had candy in wasn't it? Yeah

Starting point is 01:03:06 They are proliferating in these pound shops and so forth aren't they poor because they sell them on the toy because the candies useless and shit It's sweet and very chalky low grade terrible. Yeah, what have you got for us then? So it's all gonna compete with that spider-man thing, but I did buy two toyetics on a stick type candy You can see both of them right now. He's handing me them. Oh, I've dropped one on the floor I didn't compete with that Spider-Man thing, but I did buy two toyetics on a stick type candy. You can see both of them right now. He's handing me them. Oh, I've dropped one on the floor. Only he didn't have trotters.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Oh, fuck you. One of them? For fuck's sake. Because you've got old things and you'll still be monkey fingers. I've got to bend over. Monkey fingers? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:40 I think you'll find monkeys have nice slender fingers. Not the ones with them hacked off at the wrist and given out as monkey paws to travelers to make wishes. One of these toy things with fucking terrible boiled sweets in its shaft is a boxing kangaroo. Kangaroo. I wanted to say koala. Kuguga.

Starting point is 01:03:59 Koala-loo. Koala-loo. Kowanga-loo. I was defeated, you won the war. And you can hear there he punches. Because that's the thing about kangaroos, they, oh and he's got a tattoo, oh no he's got a pouch. Yeah with a little Joey in.

Starting point is 01:04:14 There's a Joey in the pouch is drawn on so it's a lady kangaroo. Although that deformed that weird Joey pouch drawing. It's not very convincing is it? It looks more like a kind of half dead boxer dog and you know everyone thinks oh look it's a pouch how cute have you ever seen inside those? They're like half womb it's like a half open womb thing. Yeah it's like you expect Cronenberg to set up a shot in there. It's full of mucus basically.cus, mucus. It's a hole in the body of the kangaroo that goes into its guts.

Starting point is 01:04:46 You know, directed Starkov. George Mucus. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. George Mucus. Just for the people listening, you obviously can't see my face. It is stone-faced.

Starting point is 01:05:02 George Mucus. Mucus. Oh dear, Mr. Sosman. It's better than this. George Mucus. Mucus. Oh, dear, Mr. Sosman. It's better than this fucking kangaroo shit. Right, what's this other one? Do we have to taste the cunt? No, we're not going to bother with the sweets because they're always shit. I'd like to lick out the fucking...

Starting point is 01:05:16 Kangaroo's Joey pouch. Yes, good. I'm glad. He, like, get his fucking groove on. Come on, he lingers. On a Joey hole. Imagine that, you'd have to put the Joey aside for a minute. Where's Eli? Oh he's licking out a Joey hole. Oh god. The other one's a shark. Its mouth opens.

Starting point is 01:05:36 It doesn't, it's broke. Yeah but basically it's a little shark on a stick and you can make it go. It's coming out of an orange. Why is the C orange? Because plastic was orange. Doesn't matter does it? These things suck. Which one was the best one? I like the Joey one.

Starting point is 01:05:48 The Joey's better. The Joey, I like the Kampot in kangaroo. This doesn't even work anymore. No. And this has the horrible little chalky sweets I can see, whereas the Joey sweets, the kangaroo sweets in the shaft, the handle serves as a container for the sweets.

Starting point is 01:06:01 How much? They're little boiled, little boiled, I'm gonna taste one of these. I'll have a little taste of them, but how much do you think they cost? 150 each? 2 quid? 2 quid, 199. And I'm sorry, massive rip-off. They're just rip-offs. I would rather have a lucky bag for that price. It has some shit stickers and a bookmark and whatever.

Starting point is 01:06:18 They're not boiled sweets inside the kangaroo. They are jelly beans. Oh, okay. Are they nice jelly beans? No. Why would you individually wrap jelly beans? To make people think they're bald sweets, probably. And also, how wasteful. I know. One of these little tubes that you get in, that's really interesting,

Starting point is 01:06:34 because that's what your mom used to put my thick wee in. Your mom used to put your thick wee in, yeah. She said she was my mom, but she didn't live in our house. I'm glad you're going with this. She came out when my mom was out, and said, I'm your mum now. Jesus Christ. Right, I'm eating this one.

Starting point is 01:06:47 Oh, that's horrible. Jelly bean from the Joey. It's just a standard jelly bean. No, that is not standard. That tastes of rot. It's a bad, bad flavour jelly bean. That was like pineapple and rot. Anyway, there's shit.

Starting point is 01:06:58 Well done, Paul. Well, there you go. They can't all be a winner. What's next? Final thing is this, something a bit different. This is by, you know the Poppets? Have you ever heard of Poppets? Have you ever heard of Poppets, Mr. Silverman?

Starting point is 01:07:09 I have, and they are very much a childhood confection in this country of the UK, isn't, aren't they? 80s, 90s. Isn't, aren't they? Yes, a little box of chocolate-covered morsels of things, whether that's like, well, in this case, Now, stop, no, don't interrupt me. I'm finishing a sentence,

Starting point is 01:07:25 which is what I have to do before you can follow it up with your thoughts. So let's get into the habit of that, shall we? Jesus wept. Poppits can be like a peanut covered in chocolate or a caramel ball covered in chocolate. Oh, that's, see, that's the way I'm getting confused. Because you thought they were treats, but they're just... But aren't treats just basically poppits? Yeah, but poppits...

Starting point is 01:07:40 Or all the different types in one go? No, because poppits were like individualized, so each box was a different if one of the better phrase a different treat was in every bar Oh, no revel revel. Yes. Now. I'm gonna ask a question to the internet, right? This is what AI was made talking over me yet again Because obviously the only person who's got thoughts and opinions in this podcast is Eli Jay Silverman Rebels confectionary. Yeah did rebels used to have minstrels? This is what, see, this is where I get confused. There used to be minstrels in the Rebels. Yeah, there were.

Starting point is 01:08:08 What teasers you mean? No, minstrels. What are minstrels? Minstrels are just those chocolate coins. Look at these Rebels. Look how much they look like poppets, man. Yeah, well that's what poppets were. They were like if someone took them all out

Starting point is 01:08:18 and separated them into boxes. So one always had the coffee poppets. One was the orange or mint poppets. The caramel one. And this is salted caramel poppets. Oh, they were re- that's why they're gonna taste good when we- That is why they're going to taste good. When we prepare them. When we- when we go next to prepare it.

Starting point is 01:08:36 This is not just a box of poppets that we're eating, this is a poppets salted caramel cookie kit. You get a tin, you get a bag of cookie mix, you get a bag of poppets and it says you need to add butter and egg. They're made by Mars. Are they made by Mars? Revels are. Are they still made by Revels? Yeah. Oh, you just don't see them on the shelves do you these days? This is made by Mars. In July 2008, did you know this? Revels started a big brother style eviction campaign where one flavor from the bag Whether or not they make poppets, I don't know if it's a branded thing. But this is basically make a cookie, put some poppets on the top, here's a tin. OK, I'm up for it. So we should go make it.

Starting point is 01:09:29 We should now... Oh, hang on, there's a little note attached. I hope we can get out of the cave. Dear Paul and Eli, if you wish to make this poppet cookie cake, please take the second door on the right at the bottom of the cave, walk for 15 minutes, follow your nose, you'll see a red light, and that's where the cave kitchen is. Oh, the cave walk for 15 minutes follow your nose you'll see a red light and that's where the cave kitchen is. Oh a cave kitchen good. Alright I'll take this tin and then watch that and everything is ready for you I've got butter, eggs

Starting point is 01:09:52 and milk blah blah blah blah blah in the kitchen. Shall we go down there then? Let's go then alright let's go now we'll cut to that now. Oh why is there a small kitchen in this cave? I don't like it in here. Do you want to do some acting, mate? You certainly weren't doing any. I'm doing better than you. You went like this, Paul. You went, ooh, why is there a small kitchen in this cave? Yeah, and then you went, timid mouse, timid mouse, ooh, tim acting. It's not acting. That's what's known as a non-verbal exclamation. Listen. Okay? You have to wash your hands, we're making cake. So go wash

Starting point is 01:10:33 your hands. What in the cave? Yeah. There's a sink in the cave. Yeah there's one there. The kitchen cave sink. Oh I'll go over there shall I? I mean there's a little bit. I'll do some acting like you. Yeah. I'll go over there shall I? Yeah go on. Ooh going over there now. go over there shall I? Yeah go over there now. Fucking you wanted some. I'll fucking give you some you prick. Oh Boxer Man, Boxer Man Paul. There's proper wash hand there. He's got proper wash hand. How do you know everything about the kitchen in the cave? Because he left a load of notes. You are the candy lad. You are the candy lad. Can't fool me. Fucking try.

Starting point is 01:11:05 Wash your hands. I am. We're making, we're going to make this cake thing. Now, so I've got all the, the candy lad has set up everything for us. Fucking candy lad. So we've just got to do this. So, right, you get. Have we already described to them what this is?

Starting point is 01:11:25 Because we haven't recorded that bit yet. We're going to do it in the timeline. I'm glad it's not confusing for us. It's only confusing for you, because you seem to be inept. I don't know, you didn't explain it to me. I did explain it to you. We just haven't recorded me doing that before we get here yet. Well, then how am I meant to know?

Starting point is 01:11:44 Because you should have precognizance. I'm only going to sit down in these chairs in the kitchen. No, no, no, there's no chairs. You do it, it's fine. There's no chairs in this kitchen. No, Paul, fine. You do it, I can do it. There's no chairs, you just spat in my mouth.

Starting point is 01:11:54 Now I've got a bit of you in me. Not you in, in me. You in and me. Right, so this is the Poppitt's Salted Caramel Cookie Mix. Comes with bag, comes with tin, comes with poppets. Do you remember poppets? I remember poppets. I never cared for them.

Starting point is 01:12:11 They're just chewy little sweets. They're bullshit. Aren't they also in those things which had the very unpopular coffee ones in? No, they're treats. Yeah, but didn't they have poppets in the treats? Wasn't one of the treats was a poppet? Might have been poppets. Yes. Coffee poppets. I'm just saying they might have been

Starting point is 01:12:27 coffee poppets. Coffee poppets? Right so okay step one we have bowl. Have you greased the bowl? Don't need to grease the bowl, I need to grease the tin. What did you use to grease the tin? Butter. Unsalted. Unsalted? Why? Because that's what we've got. Would have preferred salted. Well we don't have salted. Would have preferred it. Well we're not having it. Right so. Oh it's very well buttered. I've got 80 grams of butter.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Oh is that how much is going in? Yeah. Wow, a lot of butter. And an egg. Yeah. And the cookie mix. So let's just get started. The oven is.

Starting point is 01:13:00 But where do the poppets go on top? At the end you put them in towards the end of the bake. And they sink half way in. Yeah. You do, it says here you put half the mixture in bake it for five minutes take it out put the next batch in with the poppies. Is that what you're doing? That's what we're gonna do now. Okay. So oh I'm gonna put the butter in first I see I'm gonna chop this up a little bit, nice little bits. It's going to take forever to do this. Shut up, it won't, it will take like 10 minutes in all. Not in all, because you have to mix the butter, oh he's handling the butter now. I've washed my hands, I don't mind, just chopping it up

Starting point is 01:13:40 into smaller bits, so it's not, oh I'll just use my hands, look, wibbly wobbly. He's getting his hands in. The butter's going in, I feel use my hands. Look, oh wibbly wobbly. He's getting his hands in. I'm gonna put my butter in. So the butter's going in the pan. I feel like. Can we put the mix in after that? Delia Smith. Can I open the mix please?

Starting point is 01:13:51 Yeah, go for it. Where's your scissors here? Scissors hanging up there, yeah. Go for it, oh. I like Delia Smith. Oh, who's that one with the big boobs? Julia Childs. No, Fanny Craddock, no.

Starting point is 01:14:02 Fanny Craddock, Julia Childs, these are all old-timey. Pour the whole lot. Pour the whole lot in. Pour in the powders, cookie mix in. Cookie mix in. Careful, because it can be flammable, powder. Can it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:14 Explodes. I mean, I guess so, yeah. But, you know, when all's right, we haven't got any flames in here, by the way. No, no, you don't need flames. It can just be explosive in itself. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:20 Why is that? That's why, like, where they keep flour in, like, warehouses it's very flamboyant, there's a risk. It's just something about the physics of a powder. Fine. It can be explosive. One egg? You sure? Yes, there's one egg. You can check it. Don't you mix the butter in first? No, it just says put... Can I have a go here please? We'll have a go in a minute. Do you want to break the egg in? Yes.

Starting point is 01:14:43 Go on, break the egg in. Don't get any shell in. And then you can put it straight in the bin. There you have a go in a minute. Do you want to break the egg in? Yes. Go on, break the egg in. Don't get any shell in. Then you can put it straight in the bin. There you go. Egg in. Right. And then it just says empty the cookie mix into a bowl with the butter and the egg. Mix together to form a soft dough.

Starting point is 01:14:56 Have you got a spoon? Yeah. I've got a wooden one and I've got a spatula. Get that going. Right, just going to get it all going. So you're going to have to do a lot of mixing. Well I'm just doing it gently at first so it doesn't go everywhere because there's still a lot of dusty powder and these things do take their

Starting point is 01:15:12 time. I've got butter and chunks and the egg in and it's gonna take a while for it all to get together. So look see it's already, is it starting? It's already coming together. Tell you what you do that for a bit while I wash my hands. Because I've got sticky hands now with all the butter that I used. It's got chocolatey odour. Is it meant to be a chocolate cookie? Yeah, I can't remember. Remember we said before when we recorded the intro? Oh, we said, yeah. Right, remember to wash your hands everybody, before and after.

Starting point is 01:15:37 Oh God, think about butter. You can never really get it off. You need some grease, degreaser. I need some Schwarffiga don't you? Well you could use just washing up liquid would work. Oh yeah that would work actually. Yeah. I was using the Carex, the hand sensitive. It's not going to be that good as a soap. I'm going on to Max Power Fairy. I mean that'll do it. Cherry Max Fairy powder. I don't know if this is working. Oh yeah it does work actually, you're right, you're right. Yeah, it's so

Starting point is 01:16:09 Yeah, it takes a little while for it to come a soft dough. You've got to get it all in there So yeah, you got to do more folding. I'm trying it's gonna take a while mate. It's this this is baking as a It's a process it's a it's a process of Mixing in sexual discovery sexual discovery. Have you ever had sex while making a cake? No. Oh god, I don't want to hear about it. Yeah, mum wasn't happy. All that thick whey came out again. This isn't working. It is, it is, it's just going to take a time because the butter still has to separate and go through it. It just doesn't take two minutes, it takes a little while. So you sure you don't need another egg? You go, it's pretty hard work.

Starting point is 01:16:50 No, you just got to get into it and get the butter all mashed up. Here we go, look, see, like this. See, it is coming together, but you've just got to remember you've got to form it into a soft dough. Is it forming into a soft dough? And look, there's nothing, I've put everything in, there's 80 scrams of soft butter. One egg, you sure one egg? It says one egg, I don't know what else you want me to say. It's got a small egg is all I'm thinking. It doesn't seem to have moistened. Well guess what, we don't have another egg. Oh that was your last egg. It also doesn't say if it's a medium-sized egg or a big egg. Yeah that's a bit, oh it's happening now. It's happening. I can see some soft dough. So you can see the the the butter chunks disappearing, you've's happening now. It's happening. I can see some soft dough. See you can see the butter chunks disappearing.

Starting point is 01:17:26 You've got to get all that mixed in. Here we go. It's almost there, yeah. Still a bit crumbly but it's beginning to take, to form into one big loaf of cookie dough mix. I thought it was going to be a bit wetter though, I will say that. No it's fine. But it does, it's cookie dough, it's not meant to be like cake mix is it? See it's all coming together now see. Can I have a go please? Go on. You want to get it nice and thick and mash it you want to mash that butter away. Now it gives your arms a workout. That's what I was trying to say to you. Oh yeah it's getting there though. We're getting there. Trying to fold it all foldy. I mean I

Starting point is 01:18:01 don't think it's you know you can't really add water just say to spread it out across the tin so I was hoping it was gonna be a bit thinner that's fine. It was room temperature. Shall we go with this now? No it's gonna need a bit more. You can still see lumps of butter. You can't. No you can't. Where are this? Where? Show me where this fucking that is done mate. There yellow bit there yellow bit. There's no yellow bits. Yeah there is. It's fine if you don't see it mate. It's fucking done.

Starting point is 01:18:30 Right, I'm gonna get in there with me hands now. You'll get all mixed all over your hands. It's fine, I've cleaned them. That's done, that's done mate, it's ready to go. I just wanna get it into a nice big lump. Yeah, and then push it, push, stick it in the pan. Or half of it goes in. Only half at first, don't you see?

Starting point is 01:18:44 Half of it, cause you have to add the pop it to the other halfpies to the other half. Get it all scrunched off the walls. Mate that's why we get theop, blip. See? It's there. Hey, mate, look. Got the dough now. We need to break that in two. Bleah. Can I? You washed your hands? Yes. Look at that.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Big looks like a big poo. It does. It really does. It looks like a great big honky donky one. It looks like a real health problem. Figure out half of that. Right, now we need to put that evenly across the bottom of the tin so you're

Starting point is 01:19:25 gonna have to make don't do it on the can there do it here yeah you want to get that spread out as thinly as possible on the bottom of that and then it says it goes in for five to seven minutes or until golden brown golden brown I'm just flattening it out across the bottom of this tin. You know what you could use mate because I did this when I made cheesecake, use my coffee stamper if you want to get it nice and fast. No, it's okay. Seriously, it does the job. Fingers are working.

Starting point is 01:19:53 Fingers are working. But it wants it even, so stamp it anyway. Alright, I'll use the stamper. Yeah. Don't do that like you're mashing your cock with it after another successful night out. There we go, I'll hold the other side so you're not getting a lot of kick back. How's that? See that's looking much more even now. Yeah, that'll do. Yeah, that'll do. That'll do nicely.

Starting point is 01:20:16 Whop it in. Whop it in, look at that, part one, in it goes. 26, so it comes out in let's say 6 minutes. Oh here's the important question, where about in the oven does it go? Top or bottom? Preheated oven? No, I'm going to put it in the middle. Put it in the middle to be safe. Oh do you know what, I wish this was put in the top. And you can say, here's one I prepared earlier. Well we've got to wait now. Do you want me to put it in the top? Yeah put it in the top. Because it wants to be golden brown, doesn't it? Crispy. Golden brown, crispy like biscuit. Crispy

Starting point is 01:20:50 like biscuit. That got hot real fucking quick. Are we? Right. Fan assisted. Right. Join us in a minute when we put the next bit in. Oh no, we can do that now. Don't cut, stop. Don't stop. Don't stop cut. Now we've got to put the poppets in. Oh no we can do that now. Don't cut, stop. Don't stop cut. Now we've got to put the poppets in. Oh now the poppets go in that? Yeah. Are you sure? Do you want to read it yourself? Read it yourself because I've gone through this four times because I knew you were going to be missed a question a lot. Now we're about there now wherever it says golden brown. Take out the package. I don't know what that fucking says. So you just gave up. It literally says. It's hard to read. Take out the package. I don't know what that fucking says. Right so you just gave up. It literally says take out the baking tin, add half of the poppet to the cookie and continue to bake.

Starting point is 01:21:33 You know you see you put the poppet when you take it out. Put half of the dough into the baking tray and spread evenly. Put the baking tray in for five, seven minutes, take out the baking tin, add half of the poppet to the cookie and continue to bake for two minutes. Remove from the oven and leave to enjoy. Wait, hang on. Where's the other half of the cookie going? That's what I was just thinking, it must mean that. Put half of the cookie dough into the baking tin and spread evenly. Put the baking tin into the preheated oven and bake for five, seven minutes. Take out the baking tin, add half of the poppet to the cookie. Maybe it's two batches. What should we do?

Starting point is 01:22:08 We just put it in the fridge and save it for later. That makes two cookies. Yeah. Oh, you're right. Yeah, I was right. So we can make two. Yeah. I wish it said that, though.

Starting point is 01:22:17 It doesn't make that clear. It's not 100% clear, but you just save that for later. Save it in the fridge. You have to reuse the tin. You've only got tin oh yeah see what I mean oh so yeah you've got some cooking dough left for later got later so we just put them on the top then a little bit yeah only half the poppets this is one of the worst things i've ever seen in my life oh you always say that and yet i know but you do come up with some things

Starting point is 01:22:40 paul well at least i can sorry candy lad i came Candy Lad, I came up, I provided chutney, there's all sorts of things that didn't make the cut for today's episode that I brought. You don't know that I've finished cutting yet, oh you mean the food in general? Yeah. Two minutes, five minutes, six minutes, golden brown. How many minutes has it been? It's been in four minutes right now. Is it sprinkle poppet time? Half the poppet time. Well you could use all of them and just have a plain cookie. No because I want to make a second cookie if this ends up being nice. It won't be. You don't know, do you?

Starting point is 01:23:06 Although I do think the poppets are just a tossed off part of the process. Yeah. Because it says on the front, doesn't it? Poppet cookie cake. It's poppet branding. It has poppets in it. What else do you want? But also, half of this poppet box is like four poppets.

Starting point is 01:23:22 Three and a half poppets per cookie. How many poppets are there? Count the poppets. Oh I've dropped the poppets. That's one poppet down. I've popped it off. I'm gonna get a little ramekin. Pour them in the ramekin. Good ramekin usage. Right we've got one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Exactly 20? Ten poppets a piece. Well, that's more than we thought.

Starting point is 01:23:52 Poppipoff? Nice that there's an even number of poppets so you don't... It helps. You're fair. You can be fair to both cookies. Fair poppets. You're a fair distributor of the poppets. I like to be...

Starting point is 01:24:01 What's the word when you... Equinaminous. Close to the word, but I still don't know what that word is, but it's close enough. Yeah, equinaminous. I'm going to check on the cookie. It's been... I'm ravenous. But make sure you're equinaminous with the poppets on each cookie.

Starting point is 01:24:15 Right. It's been in at least five minutes now, so let's have a little look. It says seven. Oh, it's rising. Oh, it looked cookie-ish. Are you going to put the poppets on? Put the poppets on. Yeah, I'll put the poppets on? Put the poppets on?

Starting point is 01:24:26 Yeah I'll put the poppets on now. Where are we? We've got the ramekin of poppets. I'll tell you what, you're in charge of poppet distribution. I'm ready to ramekin. I'm going to drop out the cookie and you're going to pop on the poppets. I'm going to pop the poppets right on. And then I'll pop the poppets back in the fridge.

Starting point is 01:24:38 And then pop it back in the fridge. Pop it back in the oven, sorry. Wop it back in the fridge. I'm going to pop the poppets back in the pop pop pop pop pop pop. Yes. I've got a special in the pop pop pop pop pop. Yes. I've got a special hot pocket full of my bum juices. Come on.

Starting point is 01:24:50 Quick quick quick quick. Pop pop pop pop. One, two, three, four. Well he's going for a haphazard display. No, they're very much evenly. They are a bit haphazard. Have a nice satisfying drop one yourself. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:04 Have a nice pop. So you want me to drop a poppet on it? Drop a poppet on it. That feels nice doesn't it? It does. It's still spongy still. How many is that? One more. One more? Really? Yeah that's nine and you said there's 20 so we need to add one more. Yes can you not count? Is that enough poppet?

Starting point is 01:25:18 Yes. Should we go one over? No. Oh look that's a good poppet distribution. It's an even and they're going to melt a little bit. And they're going in for how much longer? Two more minutes. This is the best thing you've ever bought for the show. Oh look, that's a good poppet distribution. It's an even, and they're going to melt a little bit. And they go in for how much longer? Two more minutes. This is the best thing you've ever bought for the show. Right, so, okay, so it's now gone from worst to best.

Starting point is 01:25:30 I enjoyed putting the poppet on, I have to say. You've got the poppet on it. It's for kids, isn't it? You've got the poppet on it. It's for fucking kids, isn't it? It's for... It's not for fucking kids, mate. You've got a white van and a school nearby.

Starting point is 01:25:42 I'm saying fucking as in fucking this, fucking that, as in swearing. Yeah well that's the problem with language isn't it. You've got to be careful how you use it, don't you? Don't you? Yes. So there you go, we've all learnt something today. We certainly have. What are you doing with that plate?

Starting point is 01:25:59 Warming slightly. You're warming the plate in the microwave, I've never seen such business. Just to warm it slightly. Really? Have you done that before? Yeah. Is that real? You shouldn't do that. Not really. Why are you being such a bad boy? I'm a fucking maverick kitchen man. I'm the naked chef. Blah blah blah blah. Yeah. Just so it's not ice cold. Right, oh one more minute. Plate warmed. And then it's time to see if we can release the cookie. Yeah, it's gonna be alright. I don't know, you never know with these things do you?

Starting point is 01:26:35 It will be okay, I mean how badly wrong can you go? There's a bunch of butter, sugar. At the end of the day it's the quality of the ingredients isn't it? That's gonna be the major. That was perfectly fine butter, egg and sugar that you put in. No sugar, just egg and butter. Just butter, egg and whatever's in the powder mixture. Which I presume does have a fair share of sugar in. And you know, raising extracts and all this that and the other. Yeah, come on baby, come on baby, come on baby doll. I wanna see you baby doll, I wanna to go from 35 to 36 right now.

Starting point is 01:27:06 He's done it. Get him out. Right, where's the glove? The hot man glove. Hot man glove. There it is. Oh. Now what does it say to do? We haven't really melted all that much. They're not meant to melt. Remove from the oven, leave to cool and enjoy. That's it. Wash and dry baking tin and repeat stages 3 to 7 for remaining dough and poppets. Yes. So theoretically we could have put it all in and made one big

Starting point is 01:27:28 fat huge cookie. Yeah but it wouldn't, yeah but the timing needs to be changed as a result. Does it look like it's cooked? Yeah I mean there's a little test with the knife isn't it you put it in and if you draw it out. Don't do that. No no you meant to. And the idea is if you draw it out there's nothing sticking to it and it's hot then it's ready. Nothing sticking. Yeah it's very cake like isn't it. Nothing's sticking. Yeah, it's very cake-like, isn't it? It's the worst thing you've ever got for the show. Will you make me mind if this is the worst or the best thing? Because I can't, my emotions can't take it.

Starting point is 01:27:52 You flip it out. I'm going to flip it out. Flip it upside down. Here we go. And two plates. Does it come out in one piece? Wow, it has. Almost, not really.

Starting point is 01:28:02 It's crap. I think it needs to be in a bit longer. It's steaming. What does it taste like? Shall we try it here? Shall we just do it here and get it over and done with? Yeah. All we have to do is file the report to the candy lad and put it up the pipe.

Starting point is 01:28:13 I don't know why we need to do anything for him, but yeah. I think it does need to go in for longer. I'll say that. But it did go by a factor. I've left it slightly longer than the rules say anyway. Let's get a fork, because this doesn't feel very cookie like It feels very cake like it's very cakey you're right. It's light and fluffy. Oh It smells like chocolate cake. Mm-hmm. Oh bit under sweet. Yeah, it bready not bad

Starting point is 01:28:40 I have a pop it. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh god. That's good when the pop it's on Yeah, look, here's a pop it when you get the pop it going mate get a pop it. Oh yeah. Oh. Mmm. Oh god that's good. When the pop it's on. Yeah look here's the pop it bit. When you get the pop it going mate, get a pop it going that works. I mean that's a cake not a cookie by any set of the imagination. All right, big deal. But it's fine, I'm not. Mmm. That's better than I thought it would be, a lot better.

Starting point is 01:28:58 Hang on, I gotta get a this and I've gotta take a note for the pipe. Hang on. Oh that's lovely. Right, I've gotta fill out this form. Oh we should have put all the note for the pipe. Hang on. Oh, that's lovely. Right, I've got to fill out this form. Oh, we should have put all the poppets on. Hang on. Poppit cake I'll just put. Eli's rating, Candy Lad needs to hear it.

Starting point is 01:29:14 Erm, what is the Candy Lad's rating? Out of 10. It is out of 10, isn't it? Yeah. I'll go for a good 7. 7, and I'm going to go for a seven as well I think. Would you buy it again? No, I wouldn't buy it in the first place. I wouldn't buy it in the first place, I'll say there.

Starting point is 01:29:31 Okay, sign. You did buy it. You sign there and then I can put it in the pipe. And then you put it in the pipe? Yeah, go up the pipe to the candy lab. Up the pipe. Up the pipe to the candy lab. There we go, thank you. Into the pipe it goes. I'm eating all the poppets off this. It's in a pipe now. There you go. Oh that's the pipe noise yeah. Right he's received it. Oh good.

Starting point is 01:29:54 Right well we're here back. Hopefully all this but I think we need to go back to the cave now and finish off. Are we in the cave already? Finish off. No we went to the cave ate some things then came here did this and now we're going back. Really I'm not following Paul I'm sorry fine well it makes sense when we record it later that's already happened five minutes ago. Right stop eating that time to go back to the candy cave and wrap up. I've got to send another pipe up to a... I'm enjoying this. I know I've got to send another pipe up with our reports for the other things we've got to go back to the cave and do it now. Say

Starting point is 01:30:20 goodbye to the kitchen. Say goodbye to the kitchen. Bye bye kitchen. Come on everyone and we're off right we're back in the cave and it now we've got to fill out before back in the cave weren't we in the cave we're in the kitchen cave kitchen just there cave kitchen we were we were there but now we're back in the main cave where we do the where the testing where the chunk tube is where the door is the cascading yeah i like to call Where the chunk tube is. Where the door is for our escape. The kachanka tube. Yeah. I like to call it the kachanka tube. Well, we need to put something in the kachanka tube right now,

Starting point is 01:30:49 don't we? So we need to get the note out. Put it up, the kachanka tube. Right. So let's go through these. It just wants this quick form. So I'm not doing the laugh part on purpose, by the way, everyone. What?

Starting point is 01:31:01 That's just how my laugh has changed. I think my laugh has changed. Maybe the wind has changed, and now your laugh's going to stay like that forever. Right, the wind has fucking laugh has changed. I think my laugh has changed. Maybe the wind has changed and now your laugh's gonna stay like that forever. Right the wind has fucking changed. Yeah. I tell you. Right so. Kachanka Char. What did we do? We did the Raz and Haz. I need to fill out that form and it's a type of food. It's a gummy. One out of ten.

Starting point is 01:31:16 I'm giving it a one as well. Okay fine. What else did we do? We did the gulp and blow. Gulp and blow. What type of thing? What's the gulp and blow? That was the bubblegum candy. Oh. Hang on I gotta fill out the four,.5, no.5 and I'm gonna I think I gave it a 1 what else did we have we had the kangaroo, what about the gummies? yeah we did the gummies that would have the first one we said, why did you do it in the wrong order? doesn't matter about the order it's got to fill out the form, fucks sake, I give it the name I tell it the type of candy it is and then the score, we the school fucking kangaroo cunt and how Shit it tasted a toy. What would you call those sweets jelly beans? Did you say that the kangaroo jelly beans?

Starting point is 01:31:52 All right, I'm gonna give those a one as well and we didn't even taste the shark pellets Let's just put it down as one. He's not gonna know is he? Yeah. Well, I mean he's got cameras up, isn't it? Yeah, but I think I think they're fake cameras. There's no red light There's so much condensation and drippy drips in here anyway, I don't like it I mean he's got cameras up doesn't he? Yeah but I think they're fake cameras because there's no red light or nothing There's so much condensation and drippy drips in here anyway I don't like it I'm getting like... We'll break everything

Starting point is 01:32:10 It's heavy on my chest in here You know what I mean? Is that it? Oh no! The Dubai chocolate What did you think of that? Hang on, Dubai I'll give that an 8 What do you call it? A chocolate?

Starting point is 01:32:18 Dubai chocolate, that's what it's called What did you think of that? I'm going to give that an 8 as well It's the nicest thing we had today What else did we have? That's it, isn't it? I'm going to give that an 8 as well. It's the nicest thing we had today. What else did we have? That's it innit? I'm glad you liked it. The bite of chocolate, ras, gummies, chuggy blow and that's it innit?

Starting point is 01:32:31 Yeah that is it. And the poppet we already sent separately from the kitchen cave. Oh right. Alright so I'm just going to put it in the kechonka tube. Put it up the kechonka tube. I've got to roll it and put it in the little thing. The capsule that you put up the Kachanka tube. Right, it's in there.

Starting point is 01:32:46 I think they call that a Kachanka cap. It doesn't work to everything, mate. Just keep it simple. Kachanka tube. And now there's the... You will Kachanka... You will Kachanka it. It's a Kachanka pod.

Starting point is 01:32:55 Yes. No. Anyway, I've put the Kachanka pod up the Kachanka tube. Let's go in. I'm gonna pop it off the top now. Right, here we go. Shonk. Oh, shonk.

Starting point is 01:33:04 Right, now we just to wait to see if he will let us out. I'll tell you what while we're waiting for him to release us. Thank you for joining us on Cheap Show this week. You can find us on social media, on Instagram, Facebook, Blue Sky but your one-stop shop is thecheapshow.co.uk so go to that website, it's your one-stop shop, everything's there, links to pages, links to our social media, videos, cheap shots on YouTube, oh just go there, have a bit of fun why don't you? Also this podcast continues to exist because of the fine folk who support us on Patreon. If you would like to join that wonderful group of people who get videos, and podcasts, and magazines, and extra behind the scenes

Starting point is 01:33:42 things, whatever we can cram out per month cram out cram out then go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give what you can but like we like to say but like we like to say Only if you can Next week we got another little special episode with a guest We've not had on in a while playing a game that event sent to us and also next week we're going to be releasing the information on the Cheap Show 450 album and we're going to be telling you about our live show at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival in London again at the end of the year. I think it's October, don't quote me on that, you'll find out next week that detail in, you'll find out those details then but if you're a patreon you'll get early access so oh it helps to be a patreon done it gov does gov yeah

Starting point is 01:34:29 thanks and I sit now I guess just wait for the door to oh the doors open oh we can go that's good let's just fucking get out of here I hate this place see you later then all right I'll see you later then bye everyone bye everyone put a poppet on it. Fuck off.

CheapShow - CheapShow Episode 424 The Candy Cave

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