CheapShow - CheapShow Episode 425 The Great Takeshi's Castle Caper

Episode Date: February 28, 2025

With Special Guest: Stuart Ashen They didn’t mean this episode to be as long as it was. This wasn’t meant to be the epic episode it became, honest! They just thought they’d pop into Norwich, record a bit of a walkabout and then meet with guest Stuart Ashen for a quick Gannon’s Golden Games. Instead, it became something much bigger than planned. Join Paul and Eli has they take a trip to Norwich, tackling national rail inconveniences, exploring charity shops and going for a wander in the Plantation Gardens. And, oh yes, they need to record with Stuart too! They’ve got to record a whole episode of CheapShow at Ashen’s grotto and tackle a very special Gannon’s Golden Games! The amazing Ivenne has sent the podcast a complete, vintage boardgame based on the infamous Japanese TV game show, Takeshi’s Castle! They’ll learn a little bit about the show’s colourful history before diving into the boardgame itself. Will it delight and amuse, or will it annoy and frustrate? How do you even make a game out of an incredibly elaborate TV Show anyway? Sadly, Ashens is about to find out they hard way, and Eli is out to win it by any means necessary. Just thank god we haven’t called this episode “Normski’s Knob!” You’ll find out why… See pics/videos for this episode on our website: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-425-the-great-takeshi-s-castle-caper And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you want to, follow us on Twitter/X @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid www.thecheapshow.co.uk Now on Threads: @cheapshowpod Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Official CheapShow Magazine Shop: www.cheapmag.shop Send Us Stuff: CheapShow PO BOX 1309 Harrow HA1 9QJ

Hello? I don't know why I do that voice every time I start. Like a rambling, rambling Ganon. Rambling Ganon. Okay, it's rambling Ganon. Fuck, I'm committing to it. It's rambling Ganon. Hello and welcome to another Cheap Show episode and this time we're off on a little adventure, aren't we boys and girls? I'm keeping my voice down because we're on a train. See Ham Road? See Ham?

See Ham Road? Ham Road. Good. Ham Road. So... road see harm road good ham road so it's a little clue about where we're going see how you got a light boy see harm road believe Norwich is noticeable for it have you got a light boy so I thought that was like South Coast no no no have you got a light boy it's also also one of Ralph Harris's favourite songs. We can ask our guest about it today, can't we? I want to ask him about the Have You Got A Light thing.

Yeah, alright. But we're going to Norwich, everybody. And who lives in Norwich that you might love and care about? Yes, Alan Partridge. But also Stuart Asher is joining us because we're going to play a special Gannet's Golden Games this week. Something we've mentioned in the past and we're going to do it in Norwich. Oh, oh.

Good morning. Good morning. Pleasure to join us here at Muns of Liverpool Street. That's where we are, Liverpool Street. I love that tannoy. Sound. We're due to arrive to Norwich at 13.18. 13.

1.18. Please be aware if you have an advance ticket for your journey, please do ensure you have on the 11.30 hours to plug in your ticket. Which we did. Please note that advance tickets are not flexible if you're booked trains running, whether you're late or early. Oh, well that means we've got to keep the trains we've got. You can have a QR barcode. I have.

Say the words advance single just below the bottom of the barcode. And the time you'll departure from the Liverpool Street. Similarly, if you haven't paid per ticket. I think he's losing interest in us. You know that people collect recordings of these announcements? No. There's a whole scene. You've got Daniel Anderson's 1452 announcement for Liverpool Street to Norwich. The older they are, and the ones from the 60s are much more sought after or whatever but because they're like a tape recorder. You used to have portable tape recorders there, didn't you?

I'm beeping. Well anyway, so that's what we're doing. We're on the train leaving Liverpool Street today. We're heading to Norwich. We're going to meet our very special guest Stuart Ashen for a Gannons Golden Games special. So guest Stuart Ashen for a Gannon's Golden Games special. So toot toot, ding ding, sit down, enjoy, relax, unwind and enjoy this week's episode of Cheap Show where Eli and I go to Norwich to play a game. Hello everyone, I'm Eli Silverman. Yeah hello everyone, I'm Paul Gannon and this is Cheap Show. show. Right about an hour in now, it's about 12.20 just gone and Eli wants to point out something

that catches his eye when he's leaving Colchester on the train south, or north I guess. We just left Colchester everybody. Hello, it's Eli Silverman here. Yes, the Water Tower, Victorian Water Tower. People who are familiar with Colchester will know about it. In fact I picked up a postcard of Colchester and it was one of, you know those ones that have several of the tourist sites. Vignettes, there was a vignette of the the water tower I've been right up to its base before and looked right up it started at the bottom of the shaft and worked its way up yeah but also the thing about Colt we did a gig here I remember with our friend Joseph Wilson but also Colchester

is a typical example of a town ruined in the 50s and 60s by building a big motorway right through the centre. It's like a canyon with a motorway in it you know I'm surprised they allowed it. I'm surprised like someone that's that. Central London they're gonna have... it begs belief Well Colchester's one of these places where it's like why don't you don't you just go round it? Why does it have to go through? It's not like it's a, like Birmingham or Manchester, like it's a huge city.

Well, Leeds, have you ever been to Leeds? It's very similar. It's got a, they sort of impose this massive road network on it and it makes it inhuman. But you like the water tower, don't you? I like the water tower. That's all I have to say. Back to Bellartro.

No, he's going back to Bellartro, whereas I'm playing my retro then going through some choice Gameboy games of the past and I tell you this Christ you spent a lot of money on shit games of the game way back in the day but now I don't have to worry about spending hard-work money on a shit game you know it was good with the but the Simpsons one that was good where he's on a skateboard going along. It's like Paperboy but it's Bart. Anyway, I'm an expert everyone on games and stuff. Yeah, no he is. He's played two in his time.

The Gameboy games was like Bart vs Juggernauts, Bart vs Escape from Camp Deadly, Bart vs The Beanstalk. Escape from Camp Deadly, that was a good one, wasn't it? It was the first one. It had Speechin as well, one of the early Game Boy games that had like, Angkoran! Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a Bugs Bunny platformer, wasn't there?

Do you remember that one? Well, here's the thing about that. They're all Crazy Castle games. All you do is swap out the IP. So originally, they were Mickey Mouse games and then someone went ah fuck it, Bugs Bunny. So I think it's weird, it's like Crazy Castle 123 and then all of a sudden the fourth one's Bugs Bunny. But then if you go to different territories the exact same game is repackaged as either Garfield or the real Ghostbusters.

But it's the exact same game, it's just one of those maze, no it's a maze game where you're pushing blocks and you're going around, it's like a Pac-Man-y kind of maze, collecting coins and shit. Anyway, point being is that yeah, the game had a lot of shit on it and I would have been as furious as a kid if my mummy had spent a lot of money on a game and it was unplayable within the first screen,

which is like a few of those I was playing just then. Portal games where you look at it and you go, it looks like dog dirt and and it probably costs too much, but what is effectively something you'd get free with Microsoft games now. Anyway, it is now 22 minutes past 12, we'll be getting in in about 56 minutes time, with a little bit of luck, and the next stop is Manning Tree, which sounds like a guy who works at your office you don't like. Go on, go speak to Manning Tree. He's up on the fourth floor, I'm is Manning Tree, which sounds like a guy who works at your office you don't like. Go out, go speak to Manning Tree. He's up on the fourth floor.

I'm not Manning Tree! He smells of fucking must and mothballs and dog dirt. Do you know what it refers to? The name Manning Tree, where it came from. They don't like it up there. No. It comes from the pagan practice of Manning the Tree, which is where you put your rectifalus onto the side of a tree, like the central tree in the village, you know, the tree that gives... I hope you're not so approachable. No, it's true, and it gives forth the sperm of... So it's not real though.

Manning tree. Manning tree. That you almost... For a moment you did have me. Manning the tree. Yeah. Sorry. No, no, it was pretty, it was alright for you.

Everyone will notice my voice is back in perfect shape. But a lot of people have been loving your little girly laugh to be fair. I'm sorry that's gone. Because that was like, that was almost tee-hee levels of your adorability. Yeah, what can I do? I'm not going to, I'm not going to get, it was Covid everyone that I had. It was definitely Covid. Because I gave it to my friends in Ride.

I got a ticket to Ride. No, you know what? When Eli gets his dad jokes out, we all fucking suffer. I've noticed on this show. So we're gonna go back to our journey and hopefully the next time you hear from us we'll be in. Old Norwich itself, old Norwichy-woo. And I went to university in Norwich everybody. don't worry we'll be hearing all a fucking bout it later I'm pretty sure all right so bear with until then Eli's going back

to Bellatro I'm going back to no I've just turned off to do this recording I was playing a game called squink and it's like you play this little tomato has to push blocks around and flip flat doors and stuff. The puzzle? Yeah, puzzle game. Overhead puzzle. Yeah, it's not very good. I got like eight screens and I didn't realise this is tedious wank.

Now I've got the Smear Joker here which means all clubs and spades are considered one suit and all diamonds and hearts are considered one suit and all diamonds and hearts are considered one suit. So it condenses the suits into just two suits, a red and a black suit. Do you see what I mean? Christ. Anyway, that was this week's Cheap Show. Goodbye. I'm not having this. I'm not having you turn this into the Balak Tropod just because it's the only game you've ever played. It's crazy. You act like it. I talk about Game Boy. I completed the Mario game on Game Boy. You remember the one that came? Yeah, it was quite easy wasn't it? It only takes an hour and a half or something

to get through it. If you play it without dying, you can do it in 30 minutes. Really? I couldn't play it without dying. I could. I have completed it once, one go, but that was like a few years ago. Back in the day my little kiddie thumbs couldn't have dealt with it. Yeah so I played that I played a hell a lot of Tetris I've played... Dropped seven on my phone. I need to drop one later at some point yeah. There's a brown puzzle for you I need to fucking figure out.

So I went for a little one this morning. Pootress. All these little poot... I mean that's definitely been done as a phone app game or something with turds dropped down and you gotta... I dunno, either way. Pooka. That is actually a thing. It's where you play... it's like strip poker but instead of taking off something you push something out. How about you just use poo to bat. I'll

give you, I'll raise you two niblets and a log. Alright turn it off. Right we'll come back to you in a bit. Right. she's just got straight back on that train. Did she? Yeah. She's riding the train all day. Well, didn't he say you have to leave at Norwich and then... Yeah, and then pay at the barrier. He didn't care.

She's just got straight back on the train going back the other way. Anyway, look, so yeah, hello, we've just got to Norwich. I think she was a junkie. Anyway. Didn't you feel a bit sorry for her? Er... I don't know, it's tough. Because the ticket guy woke her up to say what was going on. Was just trying to do his job.

Was just trying to do his job and give her a break. And she was like being, I think she definitely gave a fake address. Yeah, she totally did. Anyway, look, we arrived at Norwich and after some drama of the Grange Hill just say no variety, we've reached here a little earlier than planned as well actually. We've gone a few minutes early so we're just going to head in. We've got plenty of time then.

Head in, yeah. Oh no, exactly, it said 13.18 it said. Yeah, but we got in just before, hadn't we? Oh, just before, yeah. So I'm just going to say it was a good, it was a nice journey quicker than I remember. Anyway, we've reached the station. Sound like a bin thing? No, that's a help the blind thing with Basil Brush.

Boom, boom. So I don't think you can jam here. Look at the horrific look of Basil Brush there. He looks like he's seen the devil itself and it's coming to consume his soul. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I've got to get a shot of that. His last moments before he's pulled down into hell. He's like, boom, boom, ah!

Basil Brush says, please help the blind, boom, boom. See, the problem is, boom, boom, I think, undercuts the message. I used to see those all the fucking time as a kid outside libraries. Basil Brush ones? I remember there were the scary sort of blind kid ones. You remember those? The little white child, yeah. But the thing about that is the eyes always haunted me on that um Basel brush thing there is something about

they because they've put like resin eyes in haven't they and they've got a weird sort of glassy I'm gonna take a shot I'm gonna take a shot let's all take a shot of Basel brush I mean it is terrifying right have you got the right ticket you open the right ticket up to get through the barrier so we don't have a clash? Yeah, hang on. You took a photo of Brush, yeah? Yeah, I've taken a photo of Brush. I've got the best and you're doing the Bev ticket, yeah?

Best in Bev. Right, let's go through the gates. Here we go. Bear with us, ladies and gentlemen, as we go through the gates, boys and girls of all ages. I'm gonna go through the big sign because I can here we go perfect right we're here in Norwich and we have a location which we will not tell you for it is a secret location over recording with Mr Stewart.

So if I told you that then you'd know where he lives and works. Did you use Bev? I bet he's used the wrong ticket. Which one did you use? Because that should have worked. I used the right one. The best one? Yeah. Oh, alright.

So it's inconsistence. Oh bollocks. Anyway, you're through, it's fine. He saw, he checked my ticket, he saw. He saw it was legit. And he gave me a look afterwards, like are you legit? Do you know what Paul? What? As we're in the station, I think I might avail myself of the conveniences, so to speak.

Well in that case I won't follow you to the toilets. I'll wait here, I'll wait right here. And you can wait right there until he comes back. Just so everyone knows, it's a number one. Alright. It's not a number two. No, it's fine. Okay. What's the status of your number two? My status of the two is, in terms of where it is in the pipe, it's probably like 30 inches in. How low is the whole pipe?

I don't know, we're going to find out. Exactly, so it's a silly thing to say. Luckily I bit off some this morning. What I'm saying is in terms of like... Oh, you bit off some? Do you want to go to the toilet? Instead of being infatuated with my bowels. Anyway, there we go. Right, we're going to explore Norwich for a bit now. And then we're going to...

Are you going to be so standing here? Yes. Yeah, I will. Alright. Hurry up. The minute he goes around the corner I'm going to hide for a laugh. Right, see you in a bit. We're going to explore Norwich before we settle down with Mr Stewart. Here we are outside Vernon Castle, 1887 to 1918. No, it's a person, it's not a castle.

It's a place. Vernon Castle was built in 1887. No, it doesn't say that. Stop. And didn't get built no more in 1990. Vernon Castle was an innovator of modern dance and heroic World War One flying ace. Born in Norwich, brought up in the Great Eastern Hotel which once did an inside. Well you know what stands on this site now? An absolute fucking eyesore. The table table pub and restaurant. Table table. Monster monster. Monster monster table table. Is that he dead?. Monster monster. Monster monster table table.

Is that, he dead? Monster monster guy is dead. I don't know. I don't really remember too much of bad. He was like a football agent wasn't he? Yeah. He was like in the premier ship. I just remember he was famous saying monster monster.

He was. He was very famous for saying monster monster and not myself. So it's at this part of the show I now have to regretfully say to Eli, oh you went to university here what lovely memories do you have? Quite a lot of dark memories actually now that you mention it Paul. But this whole bit here I think has declined in recent years but this this stretch used to be where all the night clubs were. Right. Did he say something to me that day? I didn't.

He said something about my mustache. Nice, did he say nice mustache? I think he may have, well we can hear back on the tape. I guess we'll listen back. Paul, that reminds me, we walked over the river, because the station's just by the river. Yeah. As we walked over we saw a man in a boat, in a rowboat didn't we? Yeah.

And it reminded me when I was at my friend's wedding in Stanford and we were walking over quite a similar bridge and someone in a boat went, Oi Beadle! To you? What is it about knowledge of people shouting things out? It was Stanford, that was Stanford. But that's what, now I'm paranoid that people are telling something about my mustache because I'm clean shaven guys. I put an effort in. Look at that. An empty shop.

Just barren. I'm taking photos. Should I take some photos for this week's episode? Yeah, why don't you? I'm taking a few but you know, I mean strictly speaking this isn't a walkabout adventure but in many respects what is Cheap Show? What is its format? It's whatever me and Eli decide to fucking do on any given day.

So, here we go. Nice pose for the photo. Thank you. And a nice little pose there for the photograph. Now, do you want to pop into the one-stop shop? I don't. I don't either. I want to show you this, um, I can't remember what it's called, but it's a little man-made canyon next to the cathedral. A manion. A manion, if you will. And I want to show you it because it's really nice. It's a beautiful garden, beautiful fountain and he was like some kind of industrialist who made tiles. You know when you look at Victorian terraced houses they often have features, sort of ornamental features but they're mass produced. Do you see what I mean? He was one of those and there's this big nursery. It's a nursery. They're screaming children. It's just haunting to hear this house. Oh look, Vape King is open, but there's no vapes in the shelves.

It's open, but they're tearing it down. Maybe the vape bubble's bursting, Mr Silverman. Maybe it is, yes, but it's still... I mean, after mobile phones, vapes are my worst fucking invention of the 21st century. I have to say though, Paul, I know you're very down on them, I have cut down on my tobacco usage a huge amount. You know what it's not about, it's not about whether someone decides to do it, cut back on their smoking, it's the fact that it gives people this weird sense of

it's not proper smoking so I'll do it anywhere, I'll do it in your face, I'll do it on a train, on a bus. That's what you're object to, I'm fine with that, yeah. And it's not so much people want to do it, it just like okay, so you're a big dude muscles, but you still want to smoke some that smells like a girlies pipe You know fucking Phrase it yeah What I mean is it smells like you know like candy air freshener,fresh, you know? It's got this stupid sickly, childish... Childish smell, yes. And it's like, how can you say this is cool when you smell like a child's bedroom?

So would you think it'd be better if they smelled like proper tobacco smell? Fucking grow up! If you want to cut out the actual Smokey Pop, we still want it. Just fucking smoke it normal. We're outside Norvick Pizza House USA chicken is norvican name. I have no idea but look they've got taxis there You can see this is definitely for the student after club kind of crowd. Yeah This is the kudos nightclub. I am fucked up my tits and therefore I will eat anything that's open at 2 in the morning I think they don't go out as much around here though,

because that's shut down Kudos there. You know it's funny as well, because there's been a lot of newspapers saying, oh the young generation aren't going out anymore because of Woke, and it's like, no, because everything's fucking expensive, because bell ends like you. Because they can't fucking live.

Because bell ends like you have jacked up the price and gone, well we're all right, because we can cover it. So yeah, fuck you. Bell ends like you bought second houses in city centres and then complain about the noise from pubs. That's why. It is, it's just cunt. It's the people who made the most of the fucking boom in the 80s. And then we're like, that's it, everyone else can fuck off now.

Orcs. Eatin', I like that title over there, Walk to Box. Because it says what it says. Yeah, but it's based on the much bigger brand, which is, I keep doing that thing, which is, which is like Greg out of, Greg, is that all? Greg out of On Cinema. It's really annoying when he does it.

Psycho, yeah it is. Walk to Walk, Walk to Walk, Walk to Walk. It's a brand in London. It's called Walk to Walk. I think Walk to Box makes more sense though. Well it's from the Walk to the Box but then where's it going? Gob. Yeah, Walk to Box to Gob would be better. Walk to Box to Cox. To Gob to... To Bog. Yeah, to Bog. Walk to Box to Bog. Yes, that would be... Oh look, look at this place. Siciliano. Sugar and Spice. Oh here's the club, it looks like it's still going.

I mean, I hate these kind of clubs where it's just adored a brick wall. Yeah. And it's like, come on in. There's a lot of them up here. Drunk, aggressive, eluded behaviour, or the use of illegal drugs will not be tolerated, well that's good to know. Heads, hats and tracksuits or vest tops cannot be worn inside the venue. No chavs in other words.

You still use the word chav no more? No they don't. Is it quiet Norwich today? Is it just me? Is it always like this I guess? It's Norwich what do you want? I guess that's true. It's Monday you're Norwich in the midday.

Oh ho there did it. Right ok let's put this away for a bit and we'll come back to you. That's the old Anglia TV building. Ah, on the corner? Yeah, the tall one, you see that? Yeah. Yeah, we'll see that. All right.

Is there anything else you want to mention that is of no interest to our audience but is of interest to you? No, I'm sure there'll be other things, Paul. All right, I just want to know when I can turn this off, just in case you've got another choice fucking anecdote. No, you can turn it off. I don't. Good. All right, see you in a bit.

Right, well we've just popped into a few charity shops on London Street. Age UK, Cancer Research, British Art Foundation, and you know, your regular gubbins really, but nothing that really poked out for me in terms of a must-have item but Eli's just bought some vinyl we can quiz him on what he bought when he comes out see what he says he's coming out now I know he's faffing putting his records in his bag anyway so it's two o'clock we're gonna meet mr. Stewart in about an hour so we're gonna wander through and see what we can pick up. Maybe have a quick cigarette beforehand as well. Let's see what we get. Christ, I've never known a man to faff as much. Okay, so he's paid

but now he's looking at something else. He's an age concern, which is ironic considering his age and I'm concerned for him. Ha ha ha ha. Here we go. Mr Silverman, Mr Silverman, what did you buy from Age UK? Would you like to reveal your purchases? Yes. It wasn't much, you know, General Montevani, you know, your usual Baronites, they always tell you, top of the pop from the 70s albums they're always there but I bought a song called a little loving by the foremost and they

are sort of pop R&B pre-freak beat Brit band and they did a version of a Isley Brothers tune called respectable which is really good actually it was later covered by Mel and Kim no different song from that same no it's a different song but this is waiting, it's a different song This is waiting for you on one side and a little loving on the other so I haven't seen this one You always see the respectable one. Yeah, but you never see it. So I'm just taking a chance It's only 99p exactly roll the dice on and the other one's a rock and roll one Johnny Burnett and the rock and roll trio who are Johnny Dorsey and poor Burnett and the Rock and Roll Trio who are Johnny, Dorsey and Paul. Right. Oh it's his brother or something or his dad because it says here you're undecided is

the song and it's written by Johnny Burnett, Dorsey Burnett and Paul...Burlian Burlison. Weird what name? Burlison. Yeah. Maybe. What's the beat? Tear it up. Again Johnny Burnett, Dorsey Burnett, and Paul Burks. So it's gonna be like rockabilly or something? It sounds like rockabilly. Rock and roll. I mean, they're called the rock and roll trio. Oh, true.

So yeah, it'll be the rockabilly side of rock and roll, probably. Rockabilly was sort of mountain music. Anyway, we need to pick a direction to go in. I mean, that man looked like a horror character from Silent Hill so we're gonna go this direction aren't we though? It's fine what what spooks me oh he's gone oh he's gone completely gone. He's gone in that shop. Oh thank God. They got spooked because he had a really long black coat on. Oh yeah it's him. He looks like

Pipes from Ghostwatch. God sorry. It's true he does I don't know what else to say. What are you doing? Cafe Gelato. Look, the old building looks really cool. With a lady on the corner. A lady on the corner? And she's looking out at the window. There he goes. God, he's a real... You get proper Do you know about I must have talked about this before but you get normal for Norfolk

Oh, yeah, which is not looking this thing. No, there's so much mental Unwellness in this part of the world where someone who would be you know sectioned in a different part of the country They just put in normal for Norfolk. Yeah Everyone's nutty up here. Is this what you're saying about Stuart? Is this what I need to bring up? Awkward. He's okay.

Awkward. Awkward. Or is a van coming in? So be quick. So we're going to walk up this street a little further and see what else there is. Look, it looks, it's a nice little old Art Deco shop front, isn't it? With a strange widow. It looks like the Scottish widow on the top

doesn't it? But white because it's white paint job. It's white stucco. Also we passed by a Nostalgia Nerds Barcadia looked shut early in the 19th century a sedan chair stood for hire at this spot which was then Devil's Alley with steps leading from Castle Meadow to London Street. Yeah, which we were walking down. But what does that mean? What's a sedan chair? Like a taxi basically?

Yeah, it's a picture there. It's one of those ones you can get in here and there. Yeah, and that's where the word a sedan car comes from. Oh. Yeah. Look, there's two people carrying it. But aren't sedans like SUVs? Like big cars? Do you think a sedan would be like a Mini when you think about the comparison? No, it's just an old word for a vehicle, isn't it? And it's sort of... I think they used it because a sedan obviously imparts some status.

You've got basically servants carrying you around. You've got money to carry you around, yeah. And it's not horse-drawn, it's two fucking grifters grabbing sticks and dragging you around. It's not like those things in London, you know, those Rickshaw type things, whatever they're called. So I wonder why they changed the name? Where they blast out music at fucking 20 decibels louder than the ear can handle. Careless Whisper. I felt like Careless Whisper as a song was hunting me down on the streets of London.

Oh, at Christmas, it is... It was those fucking... What are they called? Tuk Tuk's? What are they called? No, Rickshaw's. Rickshaw's, yeah. But yeah, Christmas, every single fucking one of them is blasting out Mariah Carey. I wonder... Madness.

Yes. I wonder why Opie Street that we were just on used to be called the Devil Lane or whatever, I wonder why they changed the name. Maybe because there was an association they wanted to move away from. It happens, it's like that street in London called Touch Cont or something street. It was Gropecunt. No, in loads of cities across the, yeah that's where you went, Petticoat lane is about that as well yeah but in a less dirty way obviously but it was about like looking up petticoats or whatever upskirting basically of the 1800s petticoating yeah all right so let's carry on exploring Norwich and then you want to take a little break in that place you're telling us about with the

tiles or whatever yes the gardens and then that should take us ish to where we need to be with Stuart. So, alright, let's carry on exploring Norwich. You might have heard the arse end of that sound effect then, which was of a car which seems to have a thousand mice dying in its back. What the fuck was wrong with that car? It was super loud. It was a brake pad, isn't it? It was a Merc. So it was a fancy brake pad I would have said. Either way fuck. It seems like there's, you know, it's catching. You can still fucking hear it. I thought it was honestly someone drilling the ground or something. Oh he's coming back this way. It's like a rickshaw playing bloody Careless Whisper. I'd rather listen to Careless Whisper.

Right, where did you want to go that you wanted to show me? Because this looks aimless. Stop being so idiot. I know exactly where I am. Yeah, okay, that's fine. I'm not all about that. It's literally 10 minutes. I just forgot the name of the garden. That's where we're going to the garden right now. Why not? No, it's fine. not we'll sit down I can drink a

Red Bull and and we can have a little ciggy. You're very weirdly vague at times or necessarily so. Let's not have an argument but why it is the format of this show. I'm just looking in richer sounds very good. What in richer sounds? Look at that it's a nice turntable. See the cartridge on that? Yeah. That's Audio Technica. Yeah. You know what they might have one here. Maybe on the way back. Have you ordered it online yet? No. They probably haven't there. Anyway. It's a really good shop. I went in there and I was here with Rogan and he was telling me about the deals on like he's got the Technics 1210s, which is the

classic DJ turntable. They've got the new one that came out a couple of years ago, which has 78 RPM you can do on it. It's got a few features that the originals didn't have. No, no, no, no, I'm cutting this conversation off, cutting it off. Can't do it. Shut up. I don't like your crap all the time. No you don't, because you keep interrupting everything I say. No, Paul, let me reassure you, come on, it's just over here. We have to cross a road bridge, a pedestrian bridge, and then it's next to the cathedral up here.

We haven't got too much time before we're meant to be stewards, so don't want to eat all of it just sitting here, you know. You need to explore. I want to see what else there is. This is a very... I want to live, live knowledge, breathe knowledge. Very much an exploratory location. Yeah. That a lot of people don't know about and it's very good.

I just don't want to spend half an hour there. Some really grand architecture. an hour there. Some really grand architecture. I mean this is the thing about Norwich isn't it? It's very much a big little village if that makes sense. Well it was the capital of the whole country at one point in the Middle Ages. No you're thinking of Cheltenham. No Norwich was as well. Cheltenham. I'm not thinking of Cheltenham, I'm thinking of Norwich. I went to university here, stopped. Cheltenham.

Fucking hell, you're a pain. No. Yes, but do you think it's possible that two old towns that are no longer the capital? Why would anyone pick Norwich to be a capital of anything? It was the biggest city in Britain. I'm fucking looking this shit up. Please do.

Please do. That's good, that's a nice bookshop. J, R, and K, K, L, it that's a nice bookshop. JR and KK Alex. Secondhand bookshop. What's the name? JR Hartley. Fodley. Oh God. What's the plaque say? Dr Edward Rigby, who's the mayor. Mayor of Norwich, 1805, living in this house, blah blah blah. Great. You introduce vaccination to the city. Yeah see. Right moving on, where are we going? See that's the cathedral there, the garden, do you see the big tower? Yes. The big square tower. Good. It's just on the other side of that is this garden okay. So literally five minutes. And there's another

church here to be fair. A lot of churches. Right I'll see you in a bit, this wasn't meant to be a thing, I just wanted to try and catch the audio of that car. You did? A little bit, a teeny bit. Well you're gonna have to lead on, you know where you go and I don't. So here we are in the plantation gardens, it is, it's got, you know it's got it's got a, erm, the prisoner vibe. Portmeirion. Yeah. Yes it is very much like a folly, it's got, you know, it's got it's got a, the prisoner vibe. Portmeirion. Yeah. Yes, it is very much like a folly.

It's like one man's philanthropy. Basically, he, like I say, the guy, he says Sir John Pettus, that's his name. Basically he was a quarry. And he made it all pretty. Yeah. Taking some pictures. Yes. Look at their fountain.

It's fantastic. Isn't it? Also, correction. One, Norwich was never the capital city of this country ever, however in medieval times it was one of the first two original medieval cities. It was a big, that's what I didn't mean capital, it was the biggest, it was the biggest city. Wasn't me the biggest either. Second thing, it wasn't Cheltenham as I said, it was Chelmsford, which was the 600 day

capital. Oh I didn't know that story. Richard II. Okay, so we're both wrong, We're both right. We both learn Yeah, well our audience have learned we grow we grow we learn we live you live you learn Morales Morissette Yeah with their tongues out I like that The wear on it you know it's also cool is the way you can see the brick behind the sort of ornate These are all what this guy manufactured these tiles and you see there's a wall at the back which is a board

Let's have a little look them strangely peaceful place to explore in Norwich Kind of busy lovely sunlight today as well to be fair. I'm gonna take a picture of this Right, you have a quick sit down then somewhere? Walk up there. Alright, there's loads of steps there. Yeah, if you'd prefer to sit here. I would because I'm not really going to move the step climbing today to be honest. There's loads of little exploratory areas like steps and...

That's when we leave, we can walk all the way up and go round the rim. Oh yeah we will, let's do that then. Oh oh right let's sit here for a little bit just a quick one. You know what you're right it is a very pretty little area it's got it's got a vibe doesn't it? It's like we were meant to Twickenham, remember when we were meant to Twickenham and there's that whole fountain area and like weird pathways and things in that park it has that's a similar vibe Victorian sort of folly garden yeah I like the vibe. You could do some kissing and cuddling with the bow of your choice here. Right, so we are now heading to our secret location

to record this week's Cheap Show with Mr Stuart Ashen, a board game special. A lovely walk in the plantation gardens, Mr Silverman. Yeah, very nice spot, isn't it? Very resonant. And the people who provided all of the tiles and bits and pieces that make up the garden, Gunt and Brothers. Gunt. And I'm looking at this chimney ahead of us, the Ornate Chimney, I reckon that's a Gunt and Brothers thing as well. If you say so. All I will say is that it's a fine walk if you're not wearing a huge fucking bag full of equipment for your podcast and a heavy board game.

Eli spotted an alley. Oh it's a nice little tight alley innit? It's not directing you to go down there. It's not directing us to go down there mate. Henry Nimham 1793 artist engraver and heraldic painter lived in this house. Oh it's even named after him this place now. Ninam Court. Oh yeah. I got my Ninham Court in something the other day, there's a zipper of my pants. Oh yeah that could have been built in the 1800s. I mean it did say he was born in 1793 so it was named after them we know at least. I see yeah. There's a park here to our side. Oh mate Oh mate. 11 feet from this wall belongs to this estate. 11 feet from, in what direction?

Any direction? That way I guess. I reckon this road is probably exactly 11 feet. It's old building zoning rules. Fancy putting a sign up saying, oi, anything from this fucking wall is ours. Oh I think it's like a church. Oh no, it's a spiritualist church. It's where the psychics hang out and talk

shit. Is it really? Sue Hine, Lionel O, God, I would love to go to one of these. Oh do you know those guys? No, I'm just saying. Are those definitely psychics? Yeah, I mean it's a spiritualist church. They wouldn't call themselves psychics. There's a slight difference. They're spiritualists. Mediums. Healing sanctuary open times. Well you can come and talk about your dead husband. Oh yeah, mediumship. Chris Jacobs mediumship. Anthony Morris mediumship. But this is what I was... Awareness or mediumship? Mediumship stroke philosophy. Past, life, late, progressive. I do fusion. Yeah. Fusion, philosophy, mediumship, yeah. Little bit of awareness on the side, you

know. See this is the interesting thing, everyone is welcome, you don't have to be a member of the church to attend, blah blah blah blah blah. The funny thing is, like you know I was saying to you, like being a psychic is like being a stand-up. Consider this like your open mic night. No it is, because these people come here, they go, oh I can do this past life regression of spiritualism and just pay 20 quid for the session and everyone turns up and finds out which dead relative... Oh my umbrella's fucked.

Sorry. So anyway, the point being is that you can treat spiritualist churches like open might nights at pubs it's the same basic premise and if they break through they get a tour or a bigger gig and Want to wands and all this stuff You know what which date I'd like to go to what Simone key trance Does that mean that I go in a trance Go to that if there's a trance church we could just fucking danced in this church of Spiritualist light I'd be up for it What's caught?

It's a little little alleyway What do you think FP foot in 7'6 means? Number 27 FP. Weird. Feet and inches? 7 foot and 6 inches. So it's another zoning thing. It must be to do with the boundaries of the estates. Anyway, look, we're on our way. To record.

But this is basically a protracted way of saying. Hehehehe. This is what I've wanted to do this episode's the no time to die of cheap show in that it's this is effectively been one long cold open so hey everybody welcome to the cheap show podcast cue the music Welcome to the cheap show. Hello, welcome to cheap show. The economy comedy podcast and

yes, we are live in Stuart's bunker, not live. We're recording in Stuart's bunker to play a very special Ganon's Golden Games. Hello Stuart. Hello Paul. How are thou? I'm pretty good. I'm excited for this game.

There's lots of bits of plastic and things pinging everywhere. It's going to be cool. Stuart, Eli's here as well. Hello everybody. He bloody is as well. I wanted to hear what it was. My voice is 100% and my laugh is a mature man's laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Oh, the full range, the full range of my voice in the tack cave. I should tell everyone a little behind the scenes everyone. Paul's been setting up this game we're about to play and he, I'm sitting with my back to Stuart's prize display case of his most prized figurines, which is what we call them figures, action figures, posable figures, anyway. You know what we mean. Toys! We're just about to start. Paul moves behind me and I hear a clatter and a clatter and it goes on for about 30

seconds it sounded like. There was a domino effect. Anyway, he knocked over a bunch of Stuart's figures. They'll survive. And he's over a bunch of Stuart's figures. They'll survive. And he's put a bad air in the room. It hasn't! I can't help it if my butt don't quit and if my badonkadonk gets in the way of a... You mean the extent of your butt in space doesn't quit?

Yes. Yes, it keeps going. The badonkadonks. The annoying thing is, yesterday I realised that this table is quite dubious at this 90 degree angle, because you can bang into things that I must rotate that And I bloody forgot Yeah, didn't take me table if anything we've inspired you now to finally pull your finger out and move a table Yeah, 90 degrees in one direction. So yes what we're playing today on cheap show in a Gannons Golden game

spectacular is we are playing Is it I say about my voice being good and he has to start showing off. You're weird. You're a weird guy. Am I weird? Right, darlings, it's time for the show of cheapness. It's the rolling the R's. That's the one thing I can't fucking do. Rolling my R's. I can't do it. Wasn't that?

No. You sound like someone choking a dog. Sorry, I'm just distracting I'm distracting from the main... You continue. Anyway. Don't you start! Round and round the ragged rock. Round the ragged rock, Roger Round. You didn't do it on all of those syllables. Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. Let's pick up on that when you can't do any. You really can't do any. I can't really do it. Anyway, that's that week's cheap show. It's fun. I enjoyed that. Oh my God. I can't believe you did that. That's my running gag

at the moment for everything we do cheap show. So yeah, we are playing Takashi's Castle based on the legendary TV show, the same name. Now, what was your first Stuart experience of Takashi's Castle based on the legendary TV show the same name. Now what was your first Stuart experience of Tekashi's Castle if there is indeed one? Tekashi's Castle. Tekashi's Castle. I came in on it very late. I think I remember watching it with Ryan when he was young on a television. I think it was like a strange CRT device in the corner. Yeah. But was it on, see this is what I'm wondering, was it one of these that was a clip on Clive James? Oh, I would have seen that before.

Or Tarrant had a similar TV, didn't it? Chris Tarrant had a similar TV. Tarrant on TV. This is where I could... Before the Craig Charles voiceovered series on Channel 4. I remember the Craig Charles voiceover series. Oh, we all do. I mean, that was my first introduction to Craig Charles after Red Dwarf.

And all the other things he did. And all the other things he did. It was my third to fourth experience. Cyberzone, all classics. But anyway, I kind of liked him. On that. And I don't like him in a lot of other ways. Anyway, you're right.

The first experience the UK had of this TV show was on Tarent On TV in the late 80s. That's when I saw it there. The show was first introduced to British audiences in the late 80s when LWT's Tarent On TV, in which Tarent went, ooh, ooh, isn't TV from around the world weird? Mainly. Mainly to Britain. Mainly Japan though, wasn't it?

Mainly. And he basically showcased a load of unusual TV shows. One of the show's previous hosts, Clive James, Oh yes. Also set the bar with talking about Takashi's Castle as well. I see, so they both presented the exact same show. Yeah. But one was called Clive James on television, another was called Tarrant on television.

And what happened later was Clive James did a TV show called Clive James dot dot dot and one was called Clive James dot dot dot in Japan. And there was a little documentary where he interviewed the backstage crew and cast of an episode of Takeshi's Castle. So that's where most people would have discovered it. But then yeah, on Challenge TV, the, was it Freeview? Probably Freeview, game show channel, Takeshi's Castle, ended up filling up the late night spots. And it was indeed commentated by cheeky drug abuser, Craig Charles in the past. I can't fathom now. I feel there's some bad blood here, Eli, with Craig

Charles. Well, I know for a fact his Funk and Soul show, which he obviously gets paid a fortune to go and DJ, a friend of mine was at one of these festivals or what have you, he was DJing, dancing about, and then he literally sort of walked behind a curtain. It's like The Wizard of Oz, and there was someone who was actually DJing. Oh. You know, actually doing the DJ work. And Craig Charles is like, e is like, you know what I mean? Just sort of jumping around. He's a fucking aggravating. Remember that Stuart Millard video he did of that? The funky bunker. Unforgivable. Wankery coming off the man. Come on. Can we just be clear? Well I've got to say I have seen him doing Funk and Soul live here in Norwich and he

was on the turntables. He was definitely. Yeah. And somebody came up and said, can I go to my boyfriend and ask him if he will marry me? And Craig went, I don't usually do this sort of thing. And it was that thing of you could see immediately. He was like, this is going to go weird, isn't it? Please don't go weird. But he went along with it and it was fine. It was fine. It was a true anecdote, but it did happen. So someone proposed, is that what it was? He stopped the music and then what did he

play after that? James Brown? Probably, I can't remember now. He probably just puts on Now 46 or something and then just walks off. No, he does. I mean, the music, he's got his own take on... Yes, he was very particular with how he created those shows. Yes. So he obviously has a passion for it. Where I differ with him is he's kind of into the re-edits or sort of modern stuff.

Ain't nothing wrong with modern, keeps the genre alive. No, no, no. But the re-edit, you know about the phenomenon of the re-edit in disco. People have been for several years now, mining classic disco and sort of make dancing them up. They re-edit. It's not a remix. They'll, they might loop a bit, elongate a bit, the break bit or something, or take bits out. They're a bit cheesy or dated to try and make it. It sounds more like house or something. But it is disco and it's a re-edit and they're just lazy other people's music. It's just, and it's just everything becomes a mulch

and I hate them, generally, and he loves them. Anyway, that's the end of my little rant. Sorry everyone. The homogenisation of sunken foal. Funken sole. Sunken foal, that's good. Craig Charles sunken foal, that's his new game show. Now they're calves, what am I thinking? You have to save the small deer. Now they're calves. What am I thinking? Sunken calf. We're going to dump a load of wildlife in the Thames.

You've got to fish it out. Be quick, they'll drown. They'll drown your fucking heads off, mate. Oh, look at the little door. It's dead. So anyway, the show was shown on the UK Channel Challenge. The format of the UK show didn't go into the format of the Japanese version. All his version did was go, here's a game, let's laugh at them. Here's another game, let's laugh at them. And it would pick from across seasons rather than one whole

episode. So yeah, it was basically a kind of just a kind of slightly piss take version of the show. I love the show for what it is, not for the sort of piss take, for the way it's like this absurdly difficult. That's what appeals to me about it. And that you never see them win apart from that one time you saw them win. Yeah, because it's rare anyone win. I don't believe there's been a major winner on that show. I saw a whole video about it. There's been about 20, depends how you count, because they had a champion of champions thing. So it was like two people.

Yeah. Basically all of them. No, I think it is about, it's about, it's about 60 people have actually won. Okay. During the whole run. Over the course of what? That's a lot more than I thought. Forty years?

If you include this sort of spin-off series or something, it was sort of like people came back to do it again or there was some kind of technical way of counting. I can't remember. But no, it's only about. No, we don't care. Please stop. That's one of the most fascinating things about Takeshi's Castle for me, Paul. And you're poo pooing it, like you do

with all my fucking wants, my whims. You poo poo my whims. You quash my whims. Can I have one random fact, please? About what? Did you know under the weather? Is this gonna be related to this? No. That I don't want it. Okay. I want you to focus

So I was going to say is there has been rebooted many times for a UK market. There was a yeah The 2013 series which is just the show with kind of like unseen without Craig Charles involved So I had unseen clips and behind the scenes and classic moments So it was kind of like a reboot and a way of selling old material. And then there was a Comedy Central revival in 2017, which had Jonathan Ross do the voiceover and that had a lot of... That's a step down. Here's what gets me though, and this is what amuses me, is that it kind of went through hosts quite quickly when they were doing this. So over the course of the three years of this version of it, they had Jonathan Ross, then Martin Kemp, then Roman Kemp, and then...

What? Timmy... Tommy... It says Tommy Mallet here, but I think that's a spelling mistake. No, it's Tommy! It's Tommy Mallet! He invented the hammer. And then, Basil Brush. So I don't know where... Are you fucking shitting me?

What? Basil Brush did a version? Are you shitting... Are you joking? No, there's all versions of it where they had... But Paul! Basil Brush! But all! No! Basil Brush did a version? Are you shitting? Are you joking? No, there's all versions of it where they had Gatsby. But Paul! Basil Brush! But all voiceovers.

Basil Brush! I know we saw Basil Brush at the station today. What? We saw his... There's a donation for Blind Kids box with Basil Brush's head on it and he's got the weird glassy staring eyes. But it was only voiceover. Don't put money in it, it goes towards killer Basil Brushes.

And then in 2023 there was Romesh and Tom's take on Takeshi's Castle where Romanish and Tom Davis did an Amazon Prime version of the show. And it was the only show that had full episodes of the original Japanese format, with just them going, we're stand-ups basically churning this shit out for a cheap payday. Bitter. No, it's true. It's true, they just do anything. They do, I hate the wall. As long's true. It's true they just do anything. They do.

I hate them all. As long as we've got that set up at the front. Where does Fort Boyard fit into all this? Well Fort Boyard was a, I don't know, we've talked about it on the show before but effectively it was just a French TV show. On a boat? No on a fort in the middle of the sea wasn't it? That was the whole thing. Also known as a boat. It's not a boat, it was a castle. It was like on a rocky outcrop or something. It was on a fort in the middle of the sea wasn't it? That was the whole thing. Also known as a boat. It's not a boat, it was a castle. It was like on a rocky outcrop or something. It was on a rock. Sorry I remembered it being a boat. There must have been some boat things. But that was just Crystal Maze. I'm reading a book about boats. I think that was. Did Leslie Grantham do an English version? He did. He was the original owner of Fort Boyard. Murderer Grantham. Actual murderer.

Leslie Grantham. Peopleual murderer Leslie Grantham. Well people go, when did he do that? It's like well before he was successfully an actor. Can we get Leslie Grantham? How about we put him on like a little rocky outcrop so you can't get a taxi to it? Oh yeah, perfect. Yeah, cause he likes to murder in taxis.

Yeah, he does. We can't kill ya if we can't get a taxi out of there. Taxi boat, no, no! Jesus. What gets me, and I don't understand this, You can't get a taxi out of there. Taxi, boat, no, no! Jesus. What gets me, and I don't understand this, is that the game show originally aired between 1986 and 1990, and is that it? So every single show that has been out since then...

Was from that four year period. Is just recycling stuff from that four year period, yeah. Did they produce a lot of episodes in a short period of time? I don't know. 133 episodes. It's only 133 episodes. They can't be 60 winners then, can they? That must be totally time. I don't know. 133 episodes. It's only 133 episodes. They can't be 60 winners then, can they? That must be totally off. I don't know. I can't believe that. Please just look up how many times people have won. I mean it might be in here somewhere,

but this is a really long fucking Wikipedia article. It was rebooted for Amazon Prime as a new series with German-Japanese actor Subaru Kimura returning to the show as one of the co-leads of the contestants. I don't quite understand how that works. You see, this is what I was talking about. There's all these sort of revivals. Let me just ask. The original show involved between 86 and 142 contestants were forced into a series of elimination style physical challenges.

I'm not going to be coming to it. Similar to It's a Knockout, which I guess is its closest paradigm. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever want to do It's a Knockout, which I guess is its closest paradigm. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever want to do It's a Knockout? No, I wanted to do Takeshi's Castle though. Did you? Yeah, get dirty, get muddy, yeah, slippery pole, mud. That's an image.

Much more than It's a Knockout kind of person. Can you imagine me on it? You can imagine me on it, running up that hill, big dirty ball coming at me, mud. Giving up halfway up the hill to roll ball coming at me mud giving up halfway up the hill to roll a fag and sit there go fuck this. Fucking roll a fag. Of course you would. You need to do what are they called tough mudder or something? Yeah. Oh fuck yeah. I'd like to have a heart attack straight away. Yeah that just looks like you're gonna kill yourself. I would pay. And there's mud. Very good money to put you on gladiators. You've got to be real fit but

Takeshi's castle's more about shrewd it's like you've got to be fit but you've got to be real fit, but Takeshi's castle is more about shrewd. It's like you've got to be fit, but you've got to be, you know, a broom's nose. Like a bit of a nows, a bit of a ee-oi-oi, you know? Ee-oi-oi, yeah, you've got to be a bit of a bruiser. You know what I mean? It's not just, it's not just sort of strength. Well, it's because a lot of it is down to luck. There's a big physical, there's a big mental aspect, I think, of determination and endurance, those kind of things.

Yeah, physical is a part of it, but it's also just luck. It's kind of like playing four guys. You know, it's that same kind of mentality, right? I can't stop thinking now, after mentioning Clive James earlier, of Clive James just saying Japanese game show endurance. I know he didn't speak like that, I can't do an impression of him, but endurance was another one. It was, yeah. There was less frippery around that. Oh, that was like sitting in a room and get this porcupine on you.

Yeah and throw a little wax in your face or something. Clive James loved those ones. That was the only funny thing though, when it started being broadcast and they were showing clips there was always this sneery kind of I can't believe what they do in Japan. There was this kind of... And now you look at British TV and it's like, I would say more shameful. Wasn't there a game show, it's like about flipping a coin or something, wasn't it?

Red or black or something? Yeah. I don't know who presented. Probably Ant and Dec. The Wall is a great example, where it's just like Dale Winting hosting a show where people have to jump for a hole in a wall. That's an excellent idea.

That was it. Come on. Was it though? That is an excellent idea. How else are you gonna train for burglary? I mean, come on. Was it though? That is an excellent idea. How else are you going to train for burglary? I mean, come on. Yes, but it was that whole era of sort of Orientalism.

Well, there was Banzai. Laughing at the exoticness or, you know, marvelling. This is different to us. Woo hoo hoo. Which goes all the way back to the Orientalists, to people being the exotic, you know, the otherness of that part of the world. And so it reached a sort of high point in the 90s with Banzai. Oh my god.

Banzai, sorry. Banzai. Didn't it? Which was basically, oh isn't it funny? Isn't Japanese, someone shouting in Japanese fun? Isn't it funny? You know what I mean? Yeah, no it was, but wasn't that like a kind of stunt mini game kind of show? Yeah, I've got the DVD of it up there.

Some sort of special DVD play along at home version. All I can remember is what's he called? A Damskys massive hog? Normskys. Normskys. Yeah. I believe that is a feature on the DVD. Wait, what? Normskys massive knob? Yes. You know what? You look down at your phone to read something and you wait and you bring your head up to hear Normskys massive knob. I said hog. Actually, hog is funny, isn't it?

Hog is funny, yeah, you're right. There was definitely very naked Normski. He was well naked. I saw him on a bus once. Was he naked? No, unfortunately not. You say, oh, Normski, show us your hog. No, he pointed my records and went,

oh, seven inch records. I was like, yeah. By the way, seven inches is the exact same size. No, he was actually nice. He went, oh, that's cool. You're keeping it real, sort of that kind of comment. Oh, do you know? I don't have a bad word to say about him. He's very impressively endowed as well. Or was at the time he did Banzai. He might have had reduction surgery. Please, save something, please.

No, I like it when you dig a hole and I can just sit back and just breathe in the loveliness. It's a fucking Nomskis knob shaped trench. It's like we need a trench dug, you can just get your cock out and walk in a straight line and just churn the turf off. Can we stop, please? Can we now stop with this, please? Just a quick thing, it was originally cancelled in Japan because it was considered too extreme because of the overtopped challenges. The show's format, blah blah blah, led to its cancellation. One of the reasons as well was that some people thought the show was built on humiliation and so they didn't like that as a cultural kind of touchstone, you know?

But there was a revival it says here but it doesn't say much because never trust Google's AI summing up of anything. Oh God. Can you pause for one second so I can ask Google something please? Is it about the winners? Because I can look at this right now I can tell you. You can see it, you got there.

Yeah. Fuck me. We're going to get there, we're going to learn. You know what it is, don't do nothing for ten years and every now and then when you go I'll get my phone out and check something and consider that a worthy addition to the podcast. Wow. It doesn't work like that. Wow. Just saying. It's all coming out. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work

like that. You can't suddenly go, oh, I read something on the internet, therefore I'm a valued member of this podcast. I am a valued member of this podcast. I disagree. I'll leave right now. You said I'm in Norwich. Anyway, I'm waiting for this page to warm up. Wanker. Oh, fuck you. Here we go. Why were wins so rare, says this website called, uh, Cashyheads. Or Cashyheads. Cashyheads. Cashyheads. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, there were winners on the show, but it was a very rare and special achievement, whether it was one of the seven contestants in the showdown or what was awarded Fighting Spirit. So someone would win just on the Fighting Spirit thing. That's what I was talking about, yes. People, they got, people got a sort of lifetime achievement sort of award. Even though they didn't actually survive the water spray. You know, that thing. There may be stats. How about you look for them in the break and we can come back to it. Absolutely fine. Yeah, because now we're going to talk about the board game part. So let's now talk about the board game part.

So Eli wants to talk about knobs again. Just Bobby Ferran, if he was in the lineup with Normski on Bansai, because there was like a lineup of naked guys, right? Okay. And Stuart just said if Bobby Ferran's there, and I've had a sort of idea for a kind of joke. Yeah. It's ruined it. It's ruined it now. Is it thinking about your penis?

No. I was going to say something along the lines of you'd notice Bobby Ferens knob because it would have like drum dents on the helmet. Who was the name of that comedian who was famous for having a massive cock? He was an old school American stand-up. Oh yeah? Merle. Merle. Ives. Merle.

Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Merle? Big penis. This is a strangely big penis episode today. Come on, Merle. Merle. It's going to take forever to look. Look, techie ate the break, let's get on with this. You know what we need to do, we need to get you on the Wi-Fi because this building is a Faraday cage. Oh yeah. And you won't get any signalled properly. I wish they built cinemas to be like a fucking Faraday cage because apparently everyone can get reception. Why don't they? Yes. No you're great, why don't they put a big cage around it?

So they could do that, they could make tube carriages Faraday cages then, you're telling me. They don't need to because it's underground. You can get the internet. Oh you can, but that's because they've actively put Wi-Fi in there. Yeah, but I'm waiting too long for Merle Big Penis to come through. I need to give you the Wi-Fi password. I think I just need to move on. So, the board game we're playing today is called Takashi's Castle. It was released in...

Not Milton Bell. Milton Bell! Yay! He's old school. It took me that long to remember it. He was old school. You see his records in charity shops. But he was famous for having one of the biggest penises in show business. Okay. The story goes, this was on best of the worst, but I think they said something like Bruce Willis went how big is your dick? Apparently Milton Bill just got enough out to prove his point. Right. You know what I mean? Just got enough out. It was one of those kinds. Yeah. Pop it on the pool table. How much? A bit more. Do I win the argument? Yes,

you do. Yes, you do. I put some pennies on for that. Isn't it like one of those extension leads that you have to roll out? It's just that massive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's like a... Penis man. A tape measure app. Yeah. Like that kids... Penis Man. Take measure at. Like that kids show, Penis Man. Kids show Penis Man? Yeah. You remember, yeah. Yes, there was. I was going to say there's no way you haven't covered that.

No, I know. That's so perfect. It's not pathetic though. It's like, how have you not covered Penis Man on your podcast? I know. We have. We're dirty boys. We've done it twice.

And we've done the podcast. I thank you. So this is a board game and apparently, I haven't double checked this but there were a few versions of it. This is from 1986 and it's from Bandai who aren't known for their board games. What are they known for mainly? Video games. And Marvel Kids and stuff.

Transformers. Yes. Were they the original Transformer company? Oh, was that Takara? I can't remember. Oh you see because they were imported over weren't they? We could check if Paul hadn't broken all of your toys. We've got some transformer books. When they're from multiple companies there were multiple toy lines stretched together hence why the good guys turned into trucks and the bad guys

turned into a gun the size of a truck. It wasn't very coherent. Yeah they were all from different. I think Dire Clone was the basic one. Yeah, because Megatron transformed into a gun, and I'm thinking so he'd also change size as well? Yes, there's the problem because they're just taken from random bloody toy lines. Yeah, my favourite. The only Transformer doll I've ever wanted is... Is it Soundwave, the one the cassette player wanted? Yeah. It's the only one I've ever wanted because I like the fact he's the cassette player and you can...

I had... Did he have a little... There's another cassette player one. Is there? Yeah, there's a good guy cassette player. I'm trying Did he have a little......a cassette player one? Is there? Yeah, there's a good guy cassette player. I'm trying to find the box that came with his name. Blaster. Blaster, yeah.

It's not as good. Was there like a little cassette you could put in that turned into a cat? Yes. I mean, I had that. Oh God, I can't think of the name of it. He had Rumble, he had Frenzy... So these were like the cassette in these larger figures, is that right? Ravage. Ravage, yeah.

I had Ravage. I don't know why I only had Ravage. I only had that. It was really, the design and these larger figures. Yeah. Is that right? Ravage. Ravage. I had Ravage. I don't know why I only had Ravage. I only had that. It was really, the design was great on that. It was really, um. They looked data. It's very. Soothing.

Intricate. Yes, but the way it, yeah. Intricately tooled and very ergonomically pleasing. Right. But do they make new transformers with new things? Like a smartphone transformer. Oh, yeah. Is there a lot of these things that have happened? Yeah, there's versions of Soundwave. There's more modern equipment. things like a smartphone transformer? Oh yeah, all these things have happened.

Yeah, there's versions of Soundwave, there's more modern equipment. Is there a Zune that transforms into it? You know? Absolutely, yes. I'm just wondering. My Atari Jaguar transformer. I want one that turns into a disposable vape. I feel that would be a difficult cross-over. That would be hard to sell to kids. It's a robot that also gets your kids addicted to nicotine. It wouldn't be a real vape, it would just be a, you know. They could make it a real vape these days. Yeah they could. I want a transformer vape that's real. Alright, well if you're listening Bandai, please make this for one human being. So Bandai made this game but they weren't basically known for board games. Did they do any others?

As far as I know. And what's interesting about this is, one of the reasons why I think Bandai made this is because they made model kits. They were allowing people to paint these plastic kits that make up part of this game. I see. So if you look over there, there's a little, they sold the kit separately. So you see how it's all like there's

like nine little segments here. You could buy them separately and then make little your own cutouts. So then got this thinking it was a missing part of this, but actually this is just that. And I think it's another game as well. I think there's two little items in here, but it's still in good condition. But I think the idea is yeah, you can... It's all in the kit. It's in the... what's it called? If you look at the side, you can see how you can paint it up and make it look more nice.

Oh, so therefore crossover with their models, sell you the paints and the brushes and the varnish and go on as well. Vertically integrated toy salesmanship. Which then makes me think more effort was probably put into that part than the game's mechanics itself. Which has come full circle on a lot of Kickstarter things for board games, comes with 90,000 miniatures and all beautiful and then is the game any good? Oh we didn't really think about it. Yeah it's much more about win. Yeah. People just want the minis. It's very toyetic, but the rules come in a book thicker than the Bible. Talk about games. Let's do it.

Bellatro. I'm a Bellatro victim. I've got to play Bellatro for a, I've not played it yet. I've got to play it for a book and I know it's going to take over my brain. It really will. He won't shut up about it. This is slowly becoming the Bellatro podcast. No it's not. I don't mention specific jokes or anything.

You've mentioned it in two CheapShop videos, you've mentioned it in three episodes so far. It's because I'm playing in that 25% of my waking hours. What's funny is the comment on the YouTube videos goes, if there's anyone who's going to get into Bellatro, of course it's Eli Silverman. You're addictive personality in card gambling mechanic based games. No, I'm not complaining. So anyway, we are playing this today, but if we go any further, you may be thinking, Paul, how can you possibly play a board game that was made for a Japanese market and indeed

the instructions are in Japanese? Well guess what? Even, I don't know, the only way I Japanese. Well guess what, Yven, I don't know, the only way I can describe Yven is like she's the patron saint of cheap shows. Certainly is. Do you know what I mean? It's like... You're a guardian angel. You've beatified her there.

The things that Yven's done for us over the course of close to a decade, from everything from the magazines which are always beautiful to the... Remember the suitcase she sent to us with all clues in it like an escape room. Fun episode. Yeah. So she sent this and she said effectively there were a few versions this one she got she said it wasn't too costly because versions of this do go for a lot of money online. When you say what's a lot of money for a board game? It depends on the board game. Yeah. Because like I've got that dark tower by MB Electronics.

Yeah that's a pricey boy now. Yeah. And mine's in mint condition. Holy shit. And how much do you think it could go for? eBay have listed it for between £300 and £500. Okay. But I've yet to see anyone buy it on eBay for £300 to £500. It's always the sold listings, isn't it? That's what you need.

And they're never complete. And mine is, as far as I know, when I look through it, it's complete. It all works. Even the complicated innards of it, which is basically a rotating tower of gels with images on that rotate and dictate the game. So like it tells you if you've want to pick something up or you want to battle or whatever. Did it have a little light bulb originally? Oh yeah.

It's got a little light bulb. You bet that's gone. No, that worked. I tested it all out. I put those big fucking chunky batteries in and it all works. It's just, again, the instruction booklet, that thick and it's... yeah. Apparently it's not that much fun either, but you don't know until you play it. No, and this is one of the things I might want to do this year is finally get a board game channel going,

just to film some friends playing board games so I can just divide the 312 board games I have in my collection right now. Good God, it's actually 312. Holy shit. Now, admittedly, some of them are like small little party ones as well. But still, that's a lot. That's a lot. I've got about 50 and I thought that was a lot. I picked up a Men Behaving Badly board game for him from Ride. Men Behaving Badly board game.

Yeah. Everything had a board game. Not a great game. No, I mean, I'm still like trying to do a cheap favourable game at some point, maybe for 500, we'll figure that out. Anyway, so we've got this version and Yvonne not only bought it from a Japanese auction site, but only got it ordered and delivered to her and then sent to me, but she went through the effort of going through the rule book and then translating it. Holy shit. So we can play this to them. And illustrating it as well. Well, the illustrations came from the actual thing itself.

Amazing. And it's just, again, she's put the work in, so, event, just from the bottom of our hearts, genuinely, thank you so much for everything you've ever done for Cheap Show. I hope we can repay you soon. In fact, we're trying to repay you soon. Thank you, love you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I honestly don't know where we be without events sometimes, some of this stuff in the show. It's just been great. So we are going to play this game today. Now, I will say this. When I got it out to make sure it all worked, it does kind of work for what it's meant to do.

However, I would argue this was built for fucking about with and not really taking seriously, because some of the games in concept work, but when I tried to play them, it was like, this doesn't work. Well, it's almost 40 years old as well. So it's true. It would have worked better when it was new. It is in mint condition though.

It's absolutely beautiful. It's in beautiful condition. And effectively for those, there will be a video for patrons for a limited time showing us play this game. But for those who can't see what we're talking about or haven't looked at the image on our website or Instagram, it's effectively a board game without, you know, steps to roll around. It's just like nine mini little toyetic challenges like screwball scramble, like a deconstructed screwball scramble almost. And that's what we're playing today. Nine games in order and we're going to play it after the opening titles. So let's play. I thought you said

they came before we started this. No, we're doing the credits before we got into here. It wasn't very clear. So the cold open is going to be 35 minutes of us before we started this. No, we're doing the credits before we got into here. It wasn't very clear. So the cold open is going to be 35 minutes of us walking around Norwich. Yeah, you've done the credits already. And then the credits come in, but I'm going to put the Takashi's Castle theme in. Oh, I see. Sorry, I got confused. We both thought you meant the cheap show theme.

Okay. I can do both, but I'm not. I'm just going to do the TV theme. And the TV theme sounds, I believe, exactly like this. Takashi's Castle is Takeshi's castle. I am in Takeshi's castle and it is big. I go out the floor, oh there's a pork-collis. There's a nasty man, he sprays me with urine.

At least I hope it's urine, because I like that kind of stuff. Dirty, dirty castle, muddy, muddy castle. Fall in the muddy pond, be humiliated, turn me on. Nomskiis cock! Oh Hello everyone, look, we're playing Tekashi's Castle by Bandai, a 1986 board game with Mr. Stuart Ashen and Mr. Eli Silverman. Hello everybody! And because I'm Scouse, I'll be Craig Charles! Ich, ich, hier's mi Drugs!

Anything else? Solon Fung? Yeah, there you go. What did he say on Cyberzone? Awuga, data drapes. Oh yeah, and he has an argument doesn't he with, is it Ian Wright from the Arsenal football team about who came up with Awuga? Yes!

It's like you stole my Awuga! Alright, Craig. That's my fucking word there. I came up with Wuga. He's like, you stole my a Wuga. All right, Craig. That's my fucking word, da. I came up with a Wuga. That's Brad Charles, that is. I've heard, though, that if you just say Funky Bunker to him, he just collapses.

It turns his brain off. It's just in horror. Anyway, we're going to play this to Cassie's Castle board game. And I don't know how this is going to work, but we're going to make it work as best we can. Two words, it's not going to work. It might work. So I'm going to play the Scouser who rules the game with an iron fist. Eli and Stuart will play against each other in one of these nine challenges, or all of these nine challenges, I guess.

So to start off, there is a message from the attacking commander, because in the TV show... That's the one you have to beat at the end, yeah. Well, no, he was just like the kind of guard who would stand over and say, I'm in charge of this kind of thing. No, and then he was on the car at the end squirting you. He was at the end, yeah. That was the only thing he was in the end. With the captain's helmet on, not helmet, hat.

He had like a military uniform. He's a bad boy. He's a big bad boy. Big bad boy. Isn't that guy? Yes, that's him. I mean, there's a little man there. Oh, he doesn't have a hat on though. No, he did have a hat. Maybe got the hat in the second

series. He's got a hat on in that. He's got a little hat. I don't know either way. I'm confused. Anyway, a word. Well done. My elite team. This is Takashi Castle, known as the impregnable. Just for the reference as well, Yvonne translated this, so if any weird translations come out it's only because of the translation, but I'm presuming she did her best. After so many beautiful intelligent team members have been lost to horrible and strange attacks, I feel this time is different. After all, board game fans from all over the world are on my side. What?

You say the captain is all talk and no action? Anyway, let me explain the rules. The game depends on luck and the technique of your brave elites. So I want you to put your heart into it and give it your all. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But before that, please read these rules so you know exactly what it takes to claim to Cassie's castle. Let's go. Then there's nine challenges. And once you've cleared one, you move on to the next. What's the first challenge? Well, the first challenge is... Let's go! And then there's nine challenges. Once you've cleared one, you move on to the next. What's the first challenge? Well, the first challenge is...

Exciting, come on, come on. Quiroco de Pon, or the mushroom pond. The mushroom pond? Which is what I call Eli's groin. The mushroom pond. Oh god, that's an image. Because, you know, swampy, little stub nubbin. Little stub nubbin. Little stub nubbin. Did you say little stub nubbin? You've got a little stub nubbin living on your helmet. I'm here, little stub nubbin. Little stub nubbin. Little stub nubbin.

Did you say little stub nubbin? You've got a little stub nubbin on your helmet. I'm here for the stub nubbin. Yeah, here comes the stub nubbin. Murderer. So, this game is this one here. This is your first game. Oh fuck, are we no good?

The yellow one. At least mine, you've got a nickname for my groinal area. I am. I don't even consider you a groin. The mushroom pond. It's like nothing to me. That's alright. It's nothing. I don't have any conceptual connection to your groin. It's just your groin, you know what I mean? Do you want to carry on with that thought or would you like to

stop? Let's play Takeshi's Castle. So this is round one. What's the first one? Groin pond? No, that's what... Mushroom pond is the game. Oh, God. Hold on to the spinning mushroom and land on the goal. OK. Now, this is what it says in terms of the instructions. Pull the lever and land

the challenger on the goal platform. But if at least half of the body of the challenger lands on the goal, it is considered a win. And if so, you draw out a sponsor card. If the challenge drops into the pond, you lose an elite token. Better luck next time. Should we toss a coin to see who goes first? And we've each got six elite tokens, which are basically lives.

I see my six elite tokens. And when you fail a challenge, because you get one go and that's it, you lose a token. However, when you run out of all of them, you can go to the punishment cave and win a few back for the next few games. Nice. But is it really punishment if we want to go there? You know what I mean? I mean that's open to punishment. Yeah. Now, should we toss a coin to see you guys first? Yes. Call it heads. That is tails, right? That is tails. So do you want to go first or second? I want to go second. Fair enough. Wise choice. We will alternate it for the game. So you start this one. Eli starts the next one. So just to very quickly talk about these cards. Yes, you've got

elite tokens and the punishment cave. Punishment cave we'll get to later if we need to. Elite tokens are basically lives. So every time they lose a challenge, they lose a card. When they run out of all six, they go to the punishment cave and we take it from there. It's a bit elitist this isn't it? We're the elite. Well that's the thing about this game isn't it? There's this sense of pride and and and valor and and you know winning it for the for the might of the better and all this kind of stuff there's that militaristic theme. Well that kind kind of Japanese, before the West, infringed upon it kind of attitude to, you know,

well, yeah, obviously. But that whole sense of pride and, you know, you say it was a jingoistic, nationalistic. I'm not saying Takashi's Castle is a jingoistic, nationalistic show. What are you trying to say? I'm just saying there's a certain mentality of this game that is reflected through the honor of,

like, the samurai or the honor of like the samurai or the honor of the ninja kind of thing you know it's that same tang of pride ninjas in real life weren't very honorable at all no they were they're thiefy little buggers thieves stab you stabbing nicky girls stabby in the shadows thieves yeah and i found it interesting every time you did was it rob's bad movie bible channel yeah. Where he talked about how, depending on what part of the world you're in, ninjas are either villains or good guys, depending on, for instance, the Chinese are always villains,

ninjas are always horrible villains. Because they're from Japan. Whereas Americans just think, if you're white and you wear a headband, you can be a ninja, which is effectively, you know. I've seen surf ninjas, that's true. Yeah, any canon film is just like, they just put a white guy in a fucking with a headband on and give him a stick.

They're not as bad as those ones that were recut from Filipino films. Godfrey Ho. Yeah, Godfrey Ho stuff. So we're going to play the first game. However, I just want to mention this very carefully. Sponsor cards at the start of the game, for sponsor cards, these four here, are placed face down on the board. If you successfully complete a challenge, you can take one sponsor card, and that might be a fighting spirit one, which means you can skip the next game if you want to. If you have the card, but you play the game and you win the game, you have to give the card back because you didn't use it.

It's only if you win a game do you get the chance to pick a card? Okay. However, I get the impression that you can't play the game lose and then go Oh, I'm gonna pass on. Oh, you have to choose Completely skip it I'll be skipping if I win any of these I'll be skipping the next one So you're gonna go first on this first game, which I already think is the worst of them this good Yeah, so tremendous pull the lever and land the challenge on the goal platform So this little square here is the platform. That's the target. You've basically Stuart got to wiggle this little plastic thing around

So that man falls onto that man's not falling off though, but no because he's got a big fucking magnet attached Okay, which you know, I struggle to shake him from I try to switch him around to this side just to the side so he's barely hanging on so maybe I'll do that I'll put him to the side of the magnet for both of you right okay all right don't do me any favors huh hey which side do me no favors huh does he start a certain side? He starts here, but all you've got to do is wiggle him off onto there.

Now these branches are meant to help you by pulling him down. Paul, I've decided I want him fully on the magnet because I don't want to be cheating or colluding with you. Can I just say, I'm a man of honor. Isn't that what you just said? The code of Fushido demands it. This is about honor.

I want to play, but want the... I'm really just doing that to annoy you. I'm gonna annoy you as much as possible, is that right? I don't care. Oh dear. I think, the thing is, if I put him on the magnet, both of you won't get him off. Fair enough. And I want you to both get the man off on his mushroom.

He's hugging the shaft of that mushroom. I want you to shake that man off his mushroom. OK, I'm ready. I'm ready to watch. Stuart's go first. So you can move the mic out of the way if you want, or just tilt it either way. There you go.

All right, cool. So you can get up if you want. I can bring it closer to you if you want to move your little cards out of the way. However, before you go, you have to take one of those over. You both get to do that each. Before you start? Yeah, so you get to pick one of those over. You both get to do that before you start Yeah, so you get to pick one of those now and it might be fighting spirits or it might not do we reveal it now? Yeah

Yeah, you do if you win. Yeah Stop the game if you can assess if you successfully complete a challenge. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sorry. Sorry all good All good darling. Come on. So you can move the bits out of the way. The first challenge. The first challenge, mushroom pond, shake your little man off. And he's shaking and he's got... I'm going to hold this end for you as well because it's not structurally very secure. I don't want you to hold the end of mine, please. Joking. No. Again. Oh, oh, oh, he's fell off. No, his foot's over the line though. Yeah, it's got to be half the body. It's got to be half the body.

Okay. I can't believe he fell. He fell off. Like a rumpled still skin here, bloody hell. This is how he laughs though, isn't it? Sounds like a goat dying. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat.

It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's like a mountain goat. It's though isn't it? It sounds like a goat dying. It's like a mountain goat. How does he laugh? Yeah that's it, it's one of the worst of all time.

Oh it's like he's starting to cough something up. I've got like a head push there too. It's funny he does it. Okay just put it anywhere to the side. I have to say Stuart good effort. Good effort. You failed that one. Well he fell off. We were wondering whether we'd even get any falling off actually. This thing is very stuck isn't it. It's not really. Yeah. I'm going to slip you. Reposition my little man. I'm sliding him off and I'm going to move him to the side ever so slightly. Oh he's knocked the whole of castle over now we win okay you can position yourself he wants Stuart to move out the way you can it's up to you

it's up to you off you go oh now he wants me to hold the end what no you've got to wiggle it until he comes off so off you go wiggle him oh he's giving it a shake he's giving it a wiggle oh he's on hard come off does he he's giving it a shake. He's giving it a wiggle. Oh He's on a come off. Does he he's on odd try and get him on the branch Yeah, the branch will do it. I just ripped him off for me. Oh, no He's spun too far Bullshit It's good the mushroom pond is collapsing! This is bullshit! Who designed this? Oh hang on, wait there. I'll say this. It's on the magnet. Oh for blitz sake! Cheating! Collusion!

I'm cheating! It's that your thumb moved it before you started. My... my... what kind of thumb is it though? Fat trotter thumb! Come on. Go again. It's not the side of it again like I said last time. So be careful now. It's much more prone to collapse. Here we go. He's jiggling it everyone. It still doesn't want to come off does it? He the side of it again, like I said last time. So be careful now, it's much more prone to collapse. Here we go, he's jiggling it everyone. It still doesn't wanna come off, does it? He's jiggling it.

Hey! No, no. He's half on. He's not half. He's not half. Oh my God, I'm being robbed! He's clearly half on. He's not half on.

Right, that's it, I'm checking out. I'm mentally checking out, that's it. So people can see at home, if you think he's's half on when barely a cheek of him is on. Let's see that photo from above. See? Look! How is that half on? Stuart, would you say that was half on? Obviously not. Okay, let's see. The whole of this, okay?

And then what's half of that? What's half of this length? The whole length of him is half... is there, which is half on. Mate, half on is like this like this, is below his waist! You're not taking into account his limbs. I can't believe this! Limbs must be taken into account. I'd just like everyone to know that the results of today's game of Takeshi's Castle the Board Game are corrupt. Oh really?

Look, he's doing a trump, he's claiming it's corrupt before it's even started. Give us! But then if he's claiming it's corrupt before it's even started But then if he wins that is half on you lost Yeah, so you both lost. Did you take one of my lives? You fucking out. He's a bit fucking eager Game two is called the youth comes out This is a slightly more elaborate game and it involves the orange thing. Okay, move to the orange thing. Is this like a pond of nacho cheese?

It is a muddy pond, isn't it? Very lurid orange. I'd put a lot of my face into a pond of nacho cheese if it was hygiene. I don't think it would be hygienic would it? Nacho cheese isn't hygienic at the best of times. Yeah, but you know what? The pond, that was one of the things that appealed to me about the TV show of Takeshi's Castle. What? hygiene. Natural cheese doesn't hygiene at the best of times. Yeah, but you know what? The

pond, that was one of the things that appealed to me about the TV show of Takeshi's Castle. What? The filth. It all got really muddy. You sound like Dennis Hopper from the Super Mario movie. Right, this game is called The Youth Comes Out, game

number nine. Okay. Can you shoot the ball and catch it? First, place one of the other, one of the other player rolls a dice. So in this case, Stuart is going second. Yes. As you went first Eli. So I'll roll the dice for Eli. Place the challenger with the bucket on the steps of the matching color. One and two is blue, three and four yellow, et cetera. So basically you're going to roll the dice and move that. Okay. So you move Eli's character to the red footprints on the board there, correct? Okay, all good. If you're on red, you need to catch one ball in the little pot. If it was on

What was the next one? Yellow? Yeah, you'd need to catch three. If it was on blue, you'd need to catch four. Because the way it is, is like the further away it is, it's apparently easier to catch, whereas closer to it, it's harder. I thought it was easy, then. i'm locked right lucked out now i've got to find those balls because i know the referees won't be going with me on anything or like uh giving me any any favoritism in fact it's the opposite it's uh it's collusion and cheating from everyone else involved Were you even really insane? So look, how many chances do you get? There are two balls on the thing, is that? Are they real?

No, they're not real balls. So, okay, there doesn't say how long you get or how many balls you get to fire. So I'm going to say you get five chances, both, to get the number of balls. Because if you had to get like blue, it would be three, so you'd have to get three out of five. So these are these tiny little, tiny little fucking foamy things you used to get in beanbags. Oh my god. It's basically what they are. And these are from 1986.

Bloody hell, it's like packing material. And then how long before I start coming up? You should do it instantly. It was a jugs joke. Because it was like he's handing me things. I'm a little baggy. These are literal fragments of polystyrene. They're not even consistent size. They look... Or shape. They're sort of egg-shaped bits of shit. It's like what I was saying to you. Love it. In that they are like the packing thing for a bean bag.

It's that kind of stuff. So you put it in here packaging peanuts That's what they're called some of them Right and you've got five chances to flick it in this is much friendlier than I thought due to polystyrene You've only got to get one out of five you can do it. Yeah, so here we go. He's off Again you're more than welcome to because they're all different sizes and I think that affects wind resistance, travel, speed. Oooh. He's two, he's got three more shots left everybody. He's firing his little yellow white thing. Yellow? Orange? Oh. It didn't release too soon.

You've had that problem before haven't you? Haven't you? Oh you're saying I've had that one before? I have never had that problem before, haven't you? Haven't you? Oh, you're saying that one. I have never had that problem actually, Paul. You will from now on though, because this is going to be burning in your head. What do you mean, if I have sex again before I die? If and when. So this is the third one. Is it the third shot or fourth? This is fourth I think. Alright, fourth. Thank you for being honest. Oh too high. He fired it. They onto the last ball. Oh dear. Go on. Come on love. Not with that attitude. Come on. Come on love. Roll it. Here we go. He fires his last ball. Oh so close. But another failure. There's literally

zero control. No there's no. Good job. Again, unfair and based on luck, which is similar to this real show. So Stuart, your go. Eli, roll the dice for you. Here we go. Blue. Blue. So that's the easy one. And you get, you have to get four in. If you're on blue, you'll need to catch at least three. Oh, bloody hell. That's not gonna happen happen is it? It's gonna be zero. Are you ready? He fires his first one. Gladiators ready? He's firing his first little ball. It didn't even go forward. That was an abject failure. It just flew up like in a random angle. Yeah it came out the back. And they're all going over there mate. Two out of two fail. You've got to get all the rest in. You've got to get all the rest in. This could be

a comeback in. No it's not. No you've got no control. They don't even go forward. It's just complete shit. I just want to have one crack at it. That was the worst one. Sorry you both lose a card there. Well there's a surprise. So I've got yours already Eli, you can take yours. I've already taken one. What? The presumption? That's because I know you're a cheater. Ooh.

I just... You are a dirty cheater. What? You are. I've got evidence. This is such projection. You should call this podcast, I Project Issues onto My Co-host. Long suffering. It's not going to do work

for the algorithm that kind of title is it though? It's a bit too long. Yeah a bit too long. Right game three is like a... Nomskis cock. Not too long, sorry Nomskis. Fine. This game, game number three is Sumo Dip On. Okay. Let's crush some rocks in a heated sumo wrestling match. First, your challenger rolls the dice. If it lands on yellow or red, you'll fight the show's producer. If it lands on blue, bad luck, you're fighting the massive Konishiki-kun. Oh, a big guy. You'll either be up against the big dude.

It's like a big potato head with weird feet. I do have to say, these games so far have been terrible in terms of the way they work, but the visual aspect is really cool. Stylish, don't you think? It's why I think you get more fun out of getting a little paint kit out and painting it or making it all. That's definitely the focus there. So, the challenger will tap the lever closest to his figurine and another player will play

as the producer or the Konnishki doll. If the challenger figurine goes down first, both the match and the one elite token are lost. If the producer or doll goes down first, you have won and you can take a sponsor card. Okay. So basically, roll the dice. Roll the dice. Er, yeah.

So who's going first this time? Stuart. Stuart, so that means you roll the dice Eli. Roll the dice. No, pick my opponent. Yeah, roll the dice. Who's going first this time? Stuart. So that means you roll the dice here. Roll the dice. Pick my opponent. Yeah, roll the dice. The challenger, it says the challenger rolls the dice. No, does it? Yes. Okay, sorry. Yes, alright fine. Roll the dice. What have you got? One. Blue. So you are playing... Oh bad luck, you're playing against a big guy. Big weird guy. Damn it.

How do they start like that? They do. So isn't it on the other? Oh, is it like that? So here's the thing, because I thought that as well, but no. So here's the thing. You're not going to fall out of the ring. You just want to make sure one of them goes face first down first.

Down first, face first, down. So you've just got to flick it and I'll count you in. Three, two, one, flick the sumo. Oh, oh, oh, no. I was too vicious with my flicking. He was too vicious. Rematch, I'll let him rematch that because I wasn't paying attention.

So I don't know who went down first. Yeah, they're both the same. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, back or forward doesn't matter. As long as whichever one falls forward or backwards first. So that's why the heavier one has more or less chance of that. Right? So three, two, yeah, well back or forward doesn't matter as long as whichever one falls forward or backwards first So that's why the heavier one has more less chance of that right so three two one sumo Because I saw the big guy bounce first

So this for this one pick one turn it over. What does it say? You have a Fighting Spirit. You can skip the next round if you want. I'm not going to skip any games. I want to play all of them. Big man on campus here, everyone. Eli. I mean, he won by, you know. Anyway, Eli, roll yours.

It wasn't a win, everyone. Eli, roll yours. I haven't got a bad feeling about it. Roll yours. See which one you get. Do you get the producer or the big boss? Go on, go. Right, good stuff. You have a real problem with aiming dice at things. I knew, I knew as soon as that he's gonna fucking attack me. Because nearly every time we play a game with dice it ends upon the floor. Honestly, it's like beer. I've got a dice tray here.

No, no, I want him to learn. I don't want you to help him. Fuck you. It's like when you put those guides on the phone. Is that okay? Tray, no, no, I want him to learn I don't want you to help you Guys, okay, so you never pay attention when I get it, right blue. So you're up against the big producer as well Round two Eli which one goes down first and three two one flick your sumo Again this is just random isn't it? Oh no, he's doing something. I think your little things come off a little bit. Eli has no power! Emergency, let me fix this, because this is one of those ones where it doesn't quite...

Oh my god! The age of it. I don't think it's the age, it's the design. The piece is in perfect condition. Alright, there we go. I'm just wondering if there's a cannon there? Oh, because the cannon's trying to knock him off! Oh god!

I'm looking forward to that. So which one was it? So it was you versus the big man? Oh, that's the other logo here. So, 3, 2, 1, remain sumoing! Go! Oh, Eli's fell over! so that's another loss there. Oh dear Eli, not doing very well are you? You really want me to lose? I don't want you to lose. I'd like you to

lose in the best way possible. So that's three games down. Can we just point out, the first one you have very little control over. And I was half on when it fell off. The second one you have no control over because of the polystyrene and this one again is just random. And it only gets worse as we go into our fourth one. Dodge the cannonballs and cross the bridge in a game called the Straight of Gibraltar. Okay. Oh I remember it was called that wasn't it? Yeah so that's this one here. First place the background on the game board. So that's the background and that one goes like this. Oh, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah. I might take a close up shot of that. I don't know why you've got to do that, but it says there. It's to stop the things pinging you across the way. Yeah, and just nothing other stuff. First place the background on the game board. Challenger rolls the dice. He, she can tap the lever that exact amount of times to move forward on the bridge. After that,

one of the other players may fire the cannon at the challenger once and then the process repeats. If the challenger drops on the bridge, whether it's by the cannon or accidentally while moving, the challenge is lost. If the bridge is successfully crossed, the player may draw a sponsor card. So, who's going first this time? I believe it's you, isn't it Mr Silverman? I'm first this time, yeah. So, I prime the cannon. The cannon's a tricky one. Is it spring loaded?

You have to flick the little handle down and name it. So basically, that's you Eli, you start there, you roll the dice. Oh, you're on the cannon of course, aren't you? Yeah. You roll the dice, if it's like four, you go one, two, three, four. I can only hit it four times? Yeah, and then he gets to fire, and rinse and repeat. No, you fall or cross Do I only have two cannonballs or can I just keep firing keep firing them? Yeah, but there's any two that comes with the set

So I'll move out the way I'll move out the way I'll roll. I'll watch you while we roll the dice Go on we roll the dice go on for your four bounces of that before he gets to shoot you so Eli begin your crossing of the bridge one and he's full that's over the game that's over with I won no you didn't you literally launched him off the bridge no you went off what are you talking about? Of course it counts! That's a loss. That is a loss and you should be ashamed of yourself.

He went off down the steps! He went down the steps! I can't believe, honestly, that is clearly I beat the thing. Right. Stuart. I clearly did. He didn't. Stuart! He would be in hospital now Yeah, that's on your conscience What happens when he gets here anyway falls down there anyway, do is get to this bit and then that's it It was right right Stuart, it's your go roll the dice. Okay Eli's in charge of blasting the cannon You can move around here if you want if it helps you For again, so okay. He's gonna tap it four times one two three four all very close

Eli you get to fire the little cannon you sort of have to you kind of kind of flick it down you got to flick that little handle down oh yeah I'll get you to have another little go because it didn't actually pop out. Oh, that guy up. Right, go on. Eli, you've done that. So you roll the dice again, Stuart. Maybe Stuart can cross the bridge. Hang on, I'm going to try and sort of... Yeah, it's a bit of a little bugger this isn't it? It's a weird little thing isn't it? Right, so. Go. That's what I mean, don't. You'll waste your eyes. We'll sort that out. Okay, thank you. You won't have to. Three. Three. I'll take it it he fell down the stairs exactly like I did you're not allowed to jump you've got a crawl come on you can't do as a human

couldn't that's a nuance that is a nuance I've come on oh I'm making me want to swear my arse off. You know what? That's the main thing. You bastard, you. We're halfway through. Game, shit game. So you get to pick another card if you want. Oh, fuck this. Did you take a life? Yeah, I did take one of yours. So so far, Eli has two points left and Stuart has four. And we go on to our fifth game called the Battle, the Bridge on the Battlefield.

The Bridge will rise. It's a thrilling time trial. That's what it says here. So it's this orange one here. First place the challenger on the bodyboard on the rail, which I have done. Yes. Is that like a buggy board?

I'm gonna pull this one further out actually so you can get to it. Next, push down the center part and push it into lock. I have done. Yes. Is that like a buggy board? I'm going to pull this one further out actually, so you can get to it. Next, push down the center part and push it into lock. I've done that. That's locked. That's where the little man is on there. I've locked it all up. Decide on a maximum amount of time right now. Shouldn't that be in the rules?

What do we decide? Who do you mean? Who does what? Nine years. Nine years we're going to play this for. Then it feels fucking like nine years. if the player overshoots the end zone or the lever is pulled after the time has passed both the challenge and the token is lost so here's what's gonna happen yeah let's just say 30 seconds

you have to get him to end you can't go off the end he has to end in the end zone like that and then you have 30 seconds to try and get him into the end zone. Okay. However after 30 seconds you stop and we press the button and it might uh launch the man like that oh it fell off. That was exciting. Yeah that's great well done Bandai. So that's that. I'm losing the will to actually keep existing in this world let alone play this game. Anyway who goes first? Who goes first? Oh shit, who went first in the last one? We've got four more of them.

Me first. I went first last time. So Stuart, let's say 10 seconds. Fine. How long can it be? You've got to, in 10 seconds, get him to end in the end zone, and if not, Eli pulls the plunger and see if he can launch you off. Which plunger? Where? There's a plunger on the little fat man on the side.

Isn't this the plunger? No, that just locks it into place. I go, I guess you could use both to be fair, but either way. That's just a locking stick. So, I'm going to count to three and then count to fifteen. Okay. Right. Three. Two. One. Go. One. Oh, he's off. Keep doing. Two. Three.

No, that's me. Keep doing? Why didn't I get another go on the bridge then? Because it's a different game. Oh, he's off keep doing two Is it seven game eight nine ten stop Eli you can launch him Yeah, something like that or pull it try the plunger on the end does that do anything? Yeah, that was the plunger right so you lost that one Stuart. Yeah Eli now at your go Would you see what I mean about this game where it's kind of like in concept? It's fine in execution. Not so much.

Eli, ready? I'm gonna count down to three, say go, and then you have 15 seconds. Get him in the end zone. To get him in the end zone. If he launches off, reset, all right? Three, two, one, go! One, two. I guess you could stop there if you want. Yeah. All right, Eli wins one finally! Hooray!

Stuart's literally zoned out now. Fair play. Eli, you can turn over a card now. It's a spirit of whatever. Fighting spirit. It means you can skip the next round if you want to. But I want to play it. What? But I want to have a go well if you want to yeah but if it's too hard because you might want to skip it you don't know what the next one right okay christ um if the challenge end the la la la la la la la for both challenges one lead go yeah okay cool right okay game six is star bowling you four you lose it's. I don't want to miss this one. All right, so, yes, we're going to set the skittles up. This is very gamer games, this one, isn't it?

First, place all six pins on the board. Now, can I say something about those pins? Yes. They look like Homer Simpson. They do, don't they? The yellowness. They've got a bald head. Do you think they've all got different masks on?

Do they really? Yeah, because they're meant to be humans inside them. That's the whole gimmick, isn't it? They just look like a bunch of homers from a distance. Homie! Oh god. A doll! Et cetera.

Yes. Although, considering how old they are now, I could do a voice just like it, it would sound the same as those current actors. It's like, it's really depressing when you hear Harry Shearer talk on New Simpsons. His characters just feel old and ehh. Really? Yeah. Just end it. Kill it. James L. Jones was doing Darth Vader for a bit too long and stuff.

But he was like, just fucking AI it. Yeah, yeah. Quickly, please. Right. Place all six pins on the board. The player rolls a die to decide which of the six pins is their challenger. Now, one of the other players rolls the die to decide from what distance the ball is launched. If the die lands on one or two the balls are launched

from the furthest away. If they roll 3, 4, 5 or 6 the balls are launched from a pretty short distance. See positions on the board. If the pin of the challenger remains standing after the bowling ball has been launched the challenge is considered a success. If the challenger remains standing after the bowling ball has been launched, the challenge is considered a success. If the player pin falls, the challenge is lost. So you roll a dice and he's like, oh, five. So you've got to keep five up when you roll the ball. Keep five up? Yeah, you've got to roll it and then pray that five stays on. What?

No, that's not how bowling works. I know it's counterintuitive to how we think, but that's literally what it says. So you can skip this one if you want, but you've got to decide now. I don't want wanna skip it. Can I skip one later? Yeah. I've got that in my back pocket to skip. You've got that in your back pocket, right?

Oh yeah, I've got the other one, haven't I? I forgot about that. I'm not gonna skip it, fuck it, fuck it. Anyway, right, so who's going first in this round now? Is it Stuart? Stuart, roll a die, and this will determine which of your cards. Oh yeah, no, was this the last one we did?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. Eli goes first. A rare moment of Eli being honest on the podcast. So surely this just moves to the colour. So roll the dice Eli, and we'll pick a colour for you. Oh no, pick a colour. Again, a perfect die roll. No, no, no, we've got to pick, so five is this one.

So when you roll the dice, you've got to keep that one standing. Oh, and the colour means smooth then? The second dice roll is for where you put it. So roll it again. This time Stuart rolls it. So you roll. This is him into the position. Two. Oh, stays where it is.

So basically, just fire the ball out and play five wins. And try and keep that guy in the back standing. I don't think it's possible. So let's enjoy. How do I let it fire? How do I fire it? You just push the man forward, it says. I think it? It just push the man forward it says. Oh, okay.

I think you just have to flick the man forward. Good luck. You'll need it. Yeah, you are going to need it. So you have to keep five standing. Flick the little man. Just push him forward. Come on.

That's just what it says there. Just flip it forward. Flick the little man. Yeah, flick the little man in the mushroom pond. Yeah, go on. Flick the little man. Yes, now we get it Mr Silver. Can I say that one more time?

Yes. Flick the little man. Okay. it Mr. Silver. Can I say that one more time? Yeah. Flick the little man. Okay. Alright. I'm losing the will. I am. I'm losing. I'm dissembling. I know. I know. So I just flick the little man. Flick the little man. Come on. He flicks the little man.

The ball comes down the aisle. Just ignore the man. Just flick the ball. Just tap the ball. Do something with the ball now. Do it. Oh, five was the ball that went down Eli lose the point how does it even work?

shit let's see if we can suss out the construction of the spot five was fucking ready to dive he jumped down before the ball even got anywhere near him right Stuart roll the dice to determine your uh which man which man you have to keep standing yeah man keep standing flicking him isn't gonna do anything but it doesn't really sit in that contraption very well I would just like take it off and ignore it it just gonna get made these bandai we've been through this yeah you know I had to suffer through it I'll do the same we've got two games after this we could do it come

on three games don't we have to do... Oh, one, two, three, yeah, okay, you're right. So, roll the dice. How many games after this? Eight games after this. Four. You've got to keep this guy standing. Possible, because he stood still, he kept standing.

Roll the dice, he left in position. Blue, so a game, same again. So, whenever you fancy it, flick your little man, and see what happens if you we get the fourth guy standing And it stands it remains That was rubbish you have no control over anything and you the whole point of bowling is you knock as many pins over as you You know what is a fun version of bowling? Mario's sport with a Wii. Yeah, we're not playing that though, are we right now?

We played that? That's not Mario's sport, you're talking about Wii. Yeah, I think I might have the Wii U version, which is even better. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. This next one's an easy one. I like that one.

Wii bowling. Jump from rock to rock and aim for the goal in game seven, call... Ryujin's Pole. Pond. I don't know why I said pole. You've got some interest now. Pole's on the mind, mate. to rock and aim for the goal in game seven, call Ryujin's pole pond. I don't know why I said pole. He lost interest on the mind, mate. First place, he's pole on your mind. First place the challenger on the first rock.

The play must press the lever to make him jump from rock to rock. Okay. If the challenger falls into the pond, the challenge is considered a failure and you lose a life. If the third jumper successful, the player is safe and receive the third jumps the third You've got a jump under this bit. Yes, right So you've got an attempt now to get across so this is screwball scramble, but impossible basically actually This doesn't feel too bad. You want to get a little feel of it before you have a first proper go. Oh

Man, this is gonna be yeah, it's a weighted little plastic dice. So here we go He's on the first position and he's gonna fire his little man off now And he just went to the side You can reset it reset it go on reset him. Yes, Rosie hasn't fallen. Yes Side lines himself, okay enjoying this I can see Second space see That's exactly what happened to me on the bridge! That's exactly what happened to me on the bridge!

You're not going to let him... He didn't do it! He did not do it! He wasn't in the last hole! We know he didn't do it. Nobody said he did it. You see it in Paul's eyes, he was about to award you with a win there. He's on the wrong bit. And he didn't do the third. Here's the thing, I wasn't going to give him the point. Now I am. No, go on, Eli, you're going there. All the point. Now I am. Ah! Because I feel like, no go on, Eli, your go then.

All the little homers are still there, though. All the little homers. One, two, three. Come on, Eli. You got three chances. And he's taking up the jumping board, man. And off he goes. One.

Two. Oh, come on, it's easy now. Eli wins it. Oh my god. Tremendous. Seems standing up at the end as well Perfect dismount Didn't think it could be done

I'm going to skip the last two games and win this shit No you only have one at any one time, you can't have two I don't get to pick another card No, sadly not You only have one until you use it Well I didn't lose my life last life, I didn't have to go to punishment It's a fun time punishment, Joel I'm going to have an armoured elephant

Minutes the problem is now you it's like it's like you've shown car keys to a cat with him That looks like it might have been 3d printed. No, no, they're all Just residents Looks at a treat, that elephant on the board there. Game eight is called Man-Eating Hole. No comment. Janet Street pulled something. Sorry. I'm glad you got there. Because I'm doing the whole Norsky thing. Yeah I got it. Oh my god. Once we get through this, we'll finally reach to Cassie's Castle for the final battle which is the thing here so shuffle the main five man-eating hole covers and place them not man-eating hole covers it says man-eating hole covers man hole

covers I know but it says man-eating hole it's wrong that's a translation no because they're meant to be man-eating holes they're not manholes they're man-eating holes their holes that eat men because you meant to fall down I said like that thing in return of the Jedi. No, that's the saw like a pit. Yes. It's a man-eating hole I guess you could know you know what I stand corrected. Okay. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for backing down on that one thing weird Right take your victories where you can. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I've shuffled these already, but we'll shuffle them again for round two. Place them face down. Roll the die.

If you roll five or six, you can flip over one cover. If you roll a three or a four, you can flip two. If you roll a one or a two, the challenge is automatically lost. You don't want to roll a one or a two. Okay. If one or more of the covers have the picture of a challenger on it, you have found the way through to Kashi's castle. If not, you lose a token. Okay. Yeah. Some of them got skull and crossbones on. Yeah, they're the bad ones. Two of them do.

Two of them have the contestant and three of them have the bad. So you're going to roll the dice and flip two over. If you pick one of these, oh, I think it's just the one, right? Is it just say one? If one or more of the covers has a picture of a cat challenger, you've won it. However, if you turn over two and it's the evil ones if they're both evil then yeah But you only need one challenges They are shuffled so Eli you go first I just can't be off playing that game roll the dice what you don't want to do now is roll a one or two Playing what game this game the man-eating-hole one, that I literally just explained.

And you obviously... Why did you say you can't be arsed? I can't... No, I can't be arsed... What can't you be arsed with? Discussing who goes first. And now we're spending more time discussing that. I know, because it's weird. You're saying I can't be arsed with this game.

Suddenly out of the blue. No, I said I can't be arsed with discussing which one of you goes first. Sorry for understanding language too clearly. Perhaps I'm just too clever for this world Roll the dice Eli and I'll tell you what happens next. You tell me exactly what to do at every stage, please. Yeah Three yellow. So if you roll a three or four you can flip over any two of those manholes All right, so you want a challenger? No, so let me just get it right, right

Okay So you can choose two and any if you pick one of them, which is a challenger You pass on to the next round if they're both full and full and crossbones There you go boss bones Crossy skull bones All right, perfect that was an easy game Do not look at the man.

Behind the curtain. Do not look at the man. Yeah, that's what Craig Charles was going on there. Ick, ick, don't look at me. Someone fucking DJing for me. Behind the curtain is a massive green head. I've got a fucking sore sweat job coming on backstage. That would actually be a great visual to have a DJ spot wouldn't it?

Like a big Wizard of Oz head. That would be quite good actually. As an audio visual thing yeah. It's a good idea though. There is a disco LP of the Wizard of Oz. And it's made by... Miko. Yeah.

Oh bloody hell. You know who Miko did? He did the Star Wars disco stuff. And then did every other sci-fi film he could ever visit of ours, which has some good tracks on it's like a whole sort of space up not space opera opera. Yeah, but that visco opera

disc opera moving on moving right to you. I would love to hear about any of these manholes. Mr. Stuart to see what you can get right. I've got to get one bloke out of two. Yeah. Oh, and it's straight away. He gets it. So you're all well done final round

Which is the final battle? So this is the final round we've moved on to where you get the water Water guns and what did they move to see there was some? Seasons wasn't there where it was war it was a piece of tissue paper and you the target was but then they moved to like A laser quest sort of vibe. They did, no they did, they did. They were later seasons where they had a digital laser target. They started with the tissue paper and water guns,

which is better. That's more fun, physical's always better. Right, first, place the castle background on the board. We've done that. Both you and another player roll the dice. If you roll the higher number than the other player, you may attack the castle guard. If you roll a lower number, you miss your shot and lose one elite token. You have to try again. The vehicle cannon is loaded from the top. Remove the coverings, put a small ball in and then pull it back

to launch it. Oh yeah, there's one in there. Stuart's expertly fingering the figurines. He's very good at fingering. Come on. I like the start of that, but I'm worried about the end. Right. Oh.

I'm just trying to figure this out. So wait there, if you roll a high number, then you can attack the castle guard, but if you don't, that means you've lost your shot. So I'm just gonna play it like this. You both get a chance to fire at the target. He's amending the rules. Here's what we're gonna do.

So we got a circle. All you gotta do is aim for that, and if you knock it over, you win. Right and beat Takeshi's castle. And Captain Pike here is knackered. How many goals you get? This could change it. Just one. Here's the thing.

Because you've got one point and he's got two, if he loses this, it could be a draw. If you win, then you win because it'll be 2-1. Can I use this to skip this turn? Not the line or no. What does it say about the game when winning gives you the option to play less of the game? Well, it's kind of- That's you object to it. You don't you? You object to the whole skipping. Isn't that in the TV show as well? You get a fighting spirit thing,

which means you can tap out. It's like in Squid Game. There's a whole mechanic in Bellatro where you skip the blinds and it gives you- If you fucking mention Bellatro one more time, I will nail your foot to your forehead. your forehead it's true skipping blinds in Bellatro it's true right sorry it's it was relevant do the final fight battle the man is in place with the target against the cow Stuart is lined up his gun and it's up to him to fire it ready here we go steady you've beaten Takeshi's Castle in the league. Oh, there are two in here. We're all right.

Here's the thing. You've got one. How many of you have got two now? Eli, you need to get this as well to draw and then it will be a draw for the game. Okay. All right, so this is for the draw. I don't know how. You had a little moment of skill.

Hang on. If I've got two and Eli's got one. Because, yeah. Then he wins. I'm not going to hit the target, though. I'll tell you what. Just play it anyway. Hit the target. See what happens. And if you hit it, right, I'll tell you what just play it anyway hit the target See what happens and if you hit it, right?

I'll give you two points because I know you're right. You don't meant to gain points, right? Line your shot up Eli if you get this Has it come out? It comes out the front pipe there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It fires Yeah, so Eli if this hits the target, I'll just release it That's it. Yeah yeah put your fingers on the lever enough and it'll shoot out the front here you go yeah it's up to you will you aim it and

get it true and cause it will cause it a draw it's quite easy this one yes it's a draw Eli and Stuart have both for whatever reason come to shake his hand there everyone yeah exactly that is the fact I obviously won. It's a draw It's the funniest fucking show in the world. We've got to try and find the other ball that came out here now It'll turn up Eli I do it's the last time anyone's ever gonna play that maybe We might be the last human beings in the world to ever play this game But a little man anyway that was to Cassie's Castle from 1986. Thank you for joining us. It's a draw which I think is the best of outcomes.

It was shit. What did Board Game Geek give it? Nothing gets less than seven and a half on Board Game Geek. That's a really good question. Smashing your face into a fridge and they give seven and a half on there. It's ridiculous. Well, take a quick break and then we'll come back with a wrap up. See you. Bye. ridiculous. Well, take a quick break and then we'll come back with a wrap up. See ya, bye!

Well, what an exciting episode this has turned out to be. Eli and I all in Norwich walking around playing Takeshi's Castle. Why can't you say it properly? Takashi's Castle. Takeshi's Castle. Thank you. Takeshi's Castle. So there was no board game geek review of this. Unfortunately, I did have a look. However, this is the second Takashi's Castle board game. Paul's freaking out.

And then there was two more after this that had different variations of games on. Ah, OK. Were any of them any good? I don't know. Some of them might have been more attuned for a board game than this was. Not a single one of those little games even came close to approximating fun. No. It's funny because the reason why I bring this up is because I was looking through others online and one of them you can get is basically, you know, Kong Man, the tomey game Kong.

I mean that's fun to play, though. There's a Tekashi's Castle version of that. Oh, can I have a look? I bet that's just a reskin. There's loads of reskins of Kongman. Yes. I've got the Sonic the Hedgehog one. Yes, that is absolutely another Kongman. I didn't even know where that one. That looks excellent.

Because it's the haunted castle one, there's the Kongman one, there's this, and then there's Sonic, isn't there? Yes, I think there's more than that. I bet that's worth a pretty penny in Good Nick, then. Well, this one on eBay, they're asking £277 for fuck. Mind you, on Japanese auction sites, I've got a lot of cheap stuff, most of that in Japanese auction sites, cheap. That's what you do, but you have to translate them. Yeah. There's no UK version, there's no European version of this, American, whatever. This particular version is right now going on eBay for £109.34.

Crazy. Ouch. And then the 89 version, for whatever reason, is going for £117. So, you know, yeah, it's a... It's a collector's item. It's a collector's item. And thank you very much, Yvain, especially for translating the rules. Yeah. You did well there, Paul, I thought, bringing the rules to us.

And yeah, just a terrible, terrible game to play. I just wonder how it stacks up against the other versions of this, like the 89, the first one. Well, it sounds like they were just more interested in doing new figures for people to paint. I think that's probably it. Rather than sort of any kind of real game play. The game's still no fun, but you're new figures, guys. Anything firing a ball in this game is a massive flop. With the exception of the last one, which is ridiculously easy. It's like you can't fail the last one. It's crazy, because that in the real game, as we know, is one of the hardest fucking

things in the world. But I like the skateboard one, I like the hopping through the stones one, I like the bridge one, the sumo one worked to some extent, but everything else was just a little bit kind of jiggly wiggly. Yeah, I mean some of them just don't work at all. And again, what I would say is, I would rebad your screwball scramble, and you could do that with it. Had there been a Takeshi's castle computer game. Must have been for like, one of the Japanese systems like the... I mean, that's a good... I don't know. It was a good point. PC 98 or something. There was a famous NES game, wasn't there, from a Japanese star, but it's almost like

an anti-game because it's like purposely made to make you hate it. That's Takeshi's Challenge. Is that the same thing? It is the same guy, I believe. He has beats Takeshi, but... Or is it Takeshi Miki? Oh, I've got my Takeshi's messed up. Takeshi's Challenge. Is it Miki, how that's pronounced?

I don't know. It's M-I-I-K-E, isn't it? Yeah, I'm guessing. It's a 1986 Japanese action adventure video game by Taito for the Famicom. The game was designed by the entertainer Takeshi and is centered on a salary man who seeks a treasure on a remote island in the South Seas. It has been negatively received in retrospect due to its unreasonably unfair gameplay requirements that are difficult to clear without any foresight. The whole thing isn't about the ending of it, it means you do nothing for three hours or something.

Oh, really? Basically, he hated video games. They're like, we want you to do a video game, but I hate them. But wait, I can torture the player. Ah, that's terrible. So, give an example. Right. Yeah, he's off to make an example.

One of them. Oh, is that a... Is that a sharp Famicom? Ah, look at that. It's a good looking little box. Lovely little box. It's a pretty one. Pretty one.

So, there we are. I like those controllers as well with the numbers on. Big blocky numbers. This one's got a microphone in it. Yeah, only one there, didn't they? Yep. And one of the things in Takeshi's Challenge is you have to sing karaoke into it for like an hour.

Non-stop. No one's going to do that. Actually, it's not very good. You just make noise into it. Just rub your thumb over it for an hour. Yeah, that'd probably do it. Your thumb drops off. According to Famitsu magazine... But just to be clear, this is not anything to do with Takeshi's castle.

This is a completely different property. This is a different Takeshi, I believe. Takano, I think, was a different sort of comedy man. It's just funny though, because I'm surprised they didn't turn this into a board game. Or sorry, a video game. I didn't see one when I put in Takeshi's Castle video game. Nothing came up. Yeah, perhaps they never sold it.

No, but although according to video game researcher Douglas Wilson, the Challenge NES game stands out as an especially outrageous example of abusive game design because he levied his fame to sucker players into buying the game. Notably, the majority of these were children and the audience least equipped to understand the cruel humor within the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all a bit Penn and Teller, Smoke and Mirrors, but a vicious version. But even that is like upfront saying this is a joke basically.

Well, it makes me think of the Stanley Parable because you have to do that thing to complete that, don't you? Yeah. Where you have to walk across a room and do the exact same thing for four hours. Only one Norbeth has to do it and upload it to do that thing to complete that don't you? Yeah, we have to walk across a room Oh, do you want same thing? I'll bet has to do it and upload to YouTube for everyone to get the benefit with that That's a main few parts of that game. We go Fuck off mate. I mean I gave up. I didn't do all the challenges. Anyway, we've rambled a lot This has been a big long episode Stuart. How are you? Oh, all right, but disappointed with old Takeshi's challenge

I but thank you for playing it with us. I could think of no one better to play it with thanks very much sadly. I couldn't think of anyone I tried Well as soon as I got this and then then sends it I was like Stuart's gonna want to look at this So oh, yeah, I'm glad you did Are you going to go through the damage you've caused to his priceless figurines? You're gonna keep bringing that up because you like to micromanage your point scoring system over our relationship. Wow. Oh wow.

Micromanage your point scoring system over our relationship. Where's my therapist pad? Bloody hell. Fucking hell. Get the therapist in here. Because here's the thing with you. It's just like, I'll go, oh, welcome to the show. And you go, I want a cut.

Oh god, I'm the best man in the world. I'm not having that anymore. I'm not having that anymore from you. I need to the show. And you go, I want to cut. Oh, God, I'm the best man in the world. I'm not having that anymore. I'm not having that anymore from you. I need your respect. I'm your boss, effectively. You know that, right?

For fuck's sake. I pay you. I thought it'd be funny to keep bringing it up, Paul. It's not about me and you point scoring. It is. I'm trying to make people laugh, which is what we're doing here. Well, about time you started, didn't it? I didn't know you were so prickly. Well, you've got time you start.

Anyway, so you got anything you want to promote is not really do do you really do? What do you want to talk about? All right. Yeah. Ashen's on whatever to get in Google. You'll find some stuff. You can't miss out. What was your latest video? The Valentine's special was Valentine's special. And coming up next is either screwball scramble level three.

If I can get that done in time or some expired Chinese military rations. Oh I've got duck tongue crisps there. Alright we're going to say that for our own little video. Don't give him our content, he's got enough. I thought it might be a nice little contrast to the gameplay. Nobody wants duck tongue crisps. But I tell you what those other crisps you've given me, the Brett or whatever they're called,

Brett on. Is it Brett? Fucking hell, the aioli. I seriously had a mouthgasm. All right. Am I wise? Can you possibly save them until we do our next video? Those are the blue cheese ones we got there.

I'm rubbing my legs. I know. I'm thinking of those crisps. But could you please do your very best to at least save some for the filming session that we're going to do on? Well, I think you should take them away at the end of the day. I am dead. You're going to take them day. I will eat the fuck out of those. Yeah there'll just be a spinning packet on the table. Those garlic ones

they actually have those around the corner for me so I can pick some more up. We should do the whole range. Alright we'll do the whole range. Also I need to pick up the other Chris from the Morrison's range for the Bradford City of Culture thing the fish and chips shop. Seabrooks. Yeah Seabrorooks. Oh, Seabrooks. They're bringing back their fish and chip one. It's like a gold packet. Yeah. Oh, it's all exciting time. They're good Chris. Seabrooks are good, aren't they? All we need is cheese moments back and then we're sold.

They'll never come. I don't think. I don't think they're coming back. Because they're toxic. I wonder why they said this isn't worth it. Probably quite expensive to make, injecting the cheese into every individual triangle. Honestly, it's probably just not enough people were buying this for us too. Oh yeah, well that's always ultimately the reason isn't it? And I don't think... Do you know what? I would always get the scampi fries and not the cheese moments. It's a reality

anyway. That's true, yeah. But I just want the option. I want the option of having all three of the triumvirate of snacks there. That you'll never buy. And Eli, you're part of the problem. I do. I often. I'll get scampi and the bacon crunchies. But then you go to your doctor and say, can you clean this up with a bit of ointment?

It's just the same. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I've got bacon crunchies on my dick. On your mushroom pond. All those empty bags floating on the surface. I don't know what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Cheap Joe for yet another week.

No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. Because we're doing out and about in outreach bits after this aren't we? Yeah but I was going to do that as an after credits thing, as a little Brucey bonus kind of thing, as a surprise that you've now ruined. I'm trying to micro manage my point scoring over your relationship. That's what I'm doing. So long story short, if you want anything from us, real tiresome, go to our website thecheapshow.co.uk. That's your one stop shop for everything Cheap Show. Pictures, episode guides, videos, all sorts of sundry.

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but please only if you can. If you can't leave a review, spread the word, do all the lovely things that help bring our attention to new ears. Blimey. That was pretty good, wasn't it? All one go. Look at that. He's done that before. Ten years worth of doing all that before. I can't believe it. I still don't know if we're 10 years old this year or not. Do you know? I thought we were. I thought this is the 10th year. I know! Because right now, the first episode says it was uploaded 9 years ago, but then I'm thinking, well does it change to 10 years when we get to that month, which is July?

Oh, yes, and with those rollover things, yes. So we might be a decade old, and in which case we need to do a decade livestream. Okay. We need to do a decade live stream. Okay You're alive. I've just realized my bloody YouTube channel was 19 years old yesterday. Wow That's it's old enough to be a policeman Old enough to be the head of the police Because I don't think you look back on your work and go that's 19 years worth. No, we're all getting old 50

Bye Right, well if you're listening past the credits guess guess what? Extra cheap show, we're going home. It's a little mini going home audio. How's your tummy? It's alright, I just had a little bit of wind. But Stuart got us some Korean food. Hi Korean chicken. My god, it was a generous portion.

Very generous. And I had a little pot of kimchi on the side. I almost called it a Gannon's Cocksworth because for that is also a generous portion. Okay good. I'm glad you went there. You know what we should try? Cock. What? Those buzz balls. What are they? They're little cocktail balls. Oh yeah we should. You know because they've got several flavors. Yeah. And you know we did desperados. We should do a similar thing with those. We did something similar for a Christmas episode a while ago. Where there's like those cocktails and a weird... remember there was one that was

like a margarita or sour apple and it's fucking horrible. So yeah let's get them. We should do all to see if we can get every flavour of Buzzball. But they're having a bit of a moment as a sort of teenager, drink it on the bus, get f**ked quick sort of thing. We're all very interested in here being middle aged men. Funny thing as well, ever since you mentioned Debye chocolate, I've seen nothing but Debye chocolate on my socials. And the weirder thing is how people are f**king bored and burnt out of it already. Like loads of people go, if I hear a f**king Debye chocolate again, just because some f**king

Tik Toker wants it down. And I was like, Oh, Oh, we're not trading sectors. We don't know. We're old men. It's gone the whole distance. Um, do you know what? Do you remember that brand Ulka, the Turkish brand, which does great chocolate, they brought out a fucking Dubai chocolate. Ulka brand Dubai. I'm going to get one. It's four quid. I bet it's fucking heavenly. Four quid, it better be fucking heavily yeah heavily But yeah pricey, but I'll get hold of it we can try it should we try that one

Yeah, cuz all code makes the greatest not the greatest but very high quality sort of commercial level chocolate We've we've installed them before our podcast they make things like ketchup as well, which is weird It's like Cadbury's made ketchup as well. It's like, or Heinz made chocolate. You know what I mean? It's like when Cadbury's made crisps for a while, and that was very strange. They did, didn't they? Did they? Yeah.

K.P.? Stackums or something they were called. Oh right, and they were trying to be a Pringles sort of rip-off. Yeah, something like that. Stackums, you stack like Pringles, yeah. Well they came out before Pringles because Pringles were already the thing in America. And there was nothing like that in the UK So I think they go, oh we'll nick that and do it. It beats

Pringles to the British market sort of thing. But it didn't last and then a couple years later Pringles pops up and it's like Oh, we don't remember Stackums. Pops up. Yeah. Yeah. Once you pop. Once you pop them up, you can't stop them up Anyway, we're walking to the train station now. We're back the way we came on the way in. Norvik Pizza House is open now. I want to know what Norvik. That's just the name. I bet it's the name of the building or something. Norviks Chicken House or something maybe. Just like Norvik sounds like a country.

Like you come from somewhere and you're Norvik. Yeah, it does but I don't think it means that quite. I don't know. It doesn't mean Norwegian or Nordic. No I know, but what I'm saying is the excellence of the word inspires a certain amount of... Oh! Anyway, I want to get this oka, we've already discovered that, we're going to get it and taste it on the show? Yeah, we'll taste it on the show.

Even though it's not cheap? No, well that will make it a quick cheap shot video then. Cause we can stretch the boundaries more with that I reckon. Anyway, we're heading to the station now. Very nearby. Very nearby. It's all very walkable, isn't it? Central Norwich.

That was the same one I was in Aberystwyth, everywhere was walkable. However, the problem is, it was all walkable up a big fucking huge hill. So if you were pissed and you couldn't afford a taxi and there was no buses, that walk home to Student Village was pretty much one of the worst half hours of my life back then. Like I was discussing with Stuart earlier, you don't see a lot of the centre of town when you're in university at UEA because it's like a full mile out.

And also they make the university to kind of be self-sufficient. Yes. You don't need to go that far. Was that a man in the window? Am I going mad? Where? In the window. Oh no it's the Michelin man. Fucking hell. I thought it was like a man staring at me. Freaking me out man. Giving me the scares. But it was a cutout of a Michelin man. They always get me cutouts. In the most famous back rooms video series, the one by Kane Pixels. Yeah. In the latest one, which was like a really long found footage, 40 minutes is his longest one, not his latest one.

There's a bit where there's this caveman cut out in one of the rooms. Yeah. Just standing there. And that's it. And I saw him in an interview saying there's a meaning to that and everything. So. I'm sure. Yeah.

I get the impression with those kind of people and creatives, there is always meaning to even the kind of most That's what makes it good his his videos, but I've watched so many of those background videos now. They're so formulaic It's exactly the same. Yeah guys no clips in Can't get out and dies. Yeah gets and gets chased by a sort of shonky monster shonky monster Maybe just do a race to monster. They would do our own video and call it the shonky Monster! Maybe we'll just do our own video and call it the Shonky Monster. Hey look, a few hours earlier you were walking that way saying Monster Monster weren't you?

Now I'm back here saying Monster Monster! Well... Quad Monsters! Quad Monster! Right, here's the station, I'm going to turn this off for a bit now, hang on. Oh Christ. And I've written a song about it. In fact you make...

Mind your step when getting on the... Don't you fucking step on my gag-glove. ...the train station. No, no. Shhh. Well, because it worked because you said Dis. Anyway, the next station is Dis and I've written a song about it, which you could say is a Dis track.

It would have worked better if you'd said written instead of wroteen. I've wroteen a song! This isn't working this bit, is it? Eli's looking for a cable so he can plage his fardgin. Have you seen plug and switch in? Plage my fard! Oh, I plage my fudge regularly. A lovely day Paul. A lovely day Paul. Hello everyone. Yeah we had a lovely day. We went to see Stuart. We played a video.

You were there. You were listening to it. Vectrax. Vectrax. Vectrex. Vectrex. Vectrex. Vagetrex. He showed me his fage shage. Alright calm down. So he also got a load of blu-rays and DVDs. So what's this one? Erotic Nuns 3. The Taking of Sandra. No it's not that kind of film. Nob Goblins 7. It's actually a film called Sultangier, weirdly. And this is Kung Fu Wonder Child. Sultangier? Yeah, very strange name for a film.

Probably the best thing about the film. He didn't know you hadn't seen it yet. No, he was very generous. We were in his tat cave. I was fascinated by all the tat. Very much. He's an extremely... He's a very dedicated collector of things, isn't he? Do you know what I mean? He's a dedicated follower of tat-tion. It's more like toys, video games.

Did you see all his computers, consoles and keyboards? I think I've seen all that before so it's like yeah But now he's in the new office. He's got it all better display. So yeah, no fair play Anyway, we're coming into this All right track about this place, yeah, it's a diss track Gotta stop writing great gags Note to self stop writing great gags stop being... Note to self, stop writing great gags. Stop being great and funny.

Just because you want to play Blar-Tro. No, you can carry on if you want. I'm just giving them a little bit of a pre-journey. Come on. Pre-journey? Post-journey? But what's the middle of pre and post? It's journey. The present.

You're really giving me brain melch anyway I just thought I'd keep the to date with what we're doing to this service for London Liverpool Street and this stop will be Stowe Market. Yeah that's where I keep all my food as well Stowe the market that's not as good as no it's not as good as this track or that track. Bungay. That's what it says on that sign. What is Bungay? It's a place I would atomise. It's also when you've got a lot of mucus you'll bungayed up. Christ. Although growing up if you were ginger you were called Bungay. You'd be Bungay. Really? Yeah, strange little term. Must be. Or very specific to my school

but like genius world like you're Bungie. I've never heard that. No. At Stone Market. I've got a Manning Tree. You're going to get off at Stratford. Why would I? Because I don't know it's nearer to you. Sometimes you've done that right you got off at Stratford. Why would I? Because I don't know, it's nearer to you. Sometimes you've done that, right? You got off at Stratford last time. Should I? I could get the overground from there, yeah. I just seem to remember that to what you did last time. If you get to Liverpool Street I can just walk over to Moorgate and jump on a bus. That's what I did on the way down.

I mean, in terms of time, No, it's longer. But mean in terms of time it's it's no it is it it's longer but in terms of hassle it's no hassle at all because you're just literally walking for ten minutes and then getting on a bus yeah rather than getting on the tube changing line on the tube you know what I mean always when there's a one bus option even if it is like 15 minutes longer than the tube I go for it you know I mean but if it's really busy time of day then obviously it's gonna take longer than they say it will so then you've got really think about it.

Well tonight would be a good chance for you to get the bus back. I want to I'm gonna walk across from Liverpool Street to Moorgate and then get on the 141 there. Whereas I will just be doing straight on the tube on the tube. Jumping straight on the tube. Metline take me all the way home without any changes, no fuss, no fight. I think that's good, yeah. So I'm happy with that. Anything, oh the man with the tickets coming.

I gotta get our tickets ready quick. Oh, oh. Did you talk about the Korean chicken? Yeah we did, you said it on the walk in. Pfft. You liked it but, pfft. I've got literally, you can't... Remember because you said generous portion.

And then I went, I have a big dick. I didn't believe him when he said it was a super generous portion. I thought yeah yeah okay it'll be a decent portion but that is un-finishably big. For a regular. And I'll go. Here you go. Thank you. Remember yours is back.

Like the cut of your jib maybe. Yeah, your bears and I'm bags. Nah, it's bollocks, he's fine. It's not like he has to charge you or anything or pay a ticket. It's just like he's checking you have a valid ticket. It's fine. It's just like, you know, considering you look suspicious at the best of times. Have you told them about the whole drama? With the lady on the... We did.

God, that's... What was going on there? I think this is just a woman who's, you know, let her standard slip due to excessive drug use by the looks of things. You know, sad times. She looked like those people that were on the tube in LA, you know what I mean? Everyone looked like that then on that tube in LA, you know? Yeah, it was unsettling then as well. Right, look, there's nothing really to talk about.

This is just a little bit of Brucie Extra. I'm going to have a little nap, but you sparked me into life with the need. And this came through, I want to do the diss track gag and all this stuff and get that out of the way. Touch, fake wood, I've managed not to lose anything today, including my dignity or this umbrella. And yet there's still time. So let's see what happens. When will this podcast end? Right then. There's bum. Why is it saying bum?

Seats are for bums, not feet. Oh, okay. Got your attention, didn't it? It did, to be fair, it did. Have you seen this? There's stuff called bum bum cream. I saw an advert for like a cosmetics bundle. Brazilian, it's called Rio de Janeiro bum bum cream or something. I had a case of that once after a holiday.

It's always the same joke for you. Yeah but they're dependable and good and they work so why wouldn't they? That one where you say, right, that's the end of the show. When it's not the end of the show, that doesn't work for me anymore. That's the end of the show this week everybody. See, it works for you though. I guess it is actually, yeah, you're right. So anyway, we're just waiting for this train now to pull into... Liverpool Street.

Liverpool Street, yeah. Which you said it will do in the next two, three minutes. It sometimes waits out here because it's waiting for a platform or what have you to clear Bullshit You know I'm saying yeah bullshit though Don't like it Got that guy stood up and I thought it just just like you look down behind me. It looks like you It looks like a big weird you know he doesn't he doesn't think it looks like if someone like got your DNA and then meshed it

with the marshmallow man you are struggling for anything to say oh we're pulling in pulling off I'm pulling it off pulling off pulling're pulling in. I'm pulling it out. I'm pulling off. I'm pulling it off. I'm pulling off, pulling out, pulling in. Thank you very much. Yeah, so anyway, that was our strange episode today this week where we had a bit of a walk about. Can I just say, whatever this fucking train company is, the temperature today is severely warmer than it was this time last week, so adjust your trains accordingly. I'm dying of heat exhaustion.

Heat is, I'm not. I find it perfectly lovely temperature. Is anyone with me out there that they should bloody monitor the heat and it's really unpleasant and it's bad for everyone's health and mental health? Or just you. It's too hot. I'm fine, I can, I can. Have I got hot blood or something?

Maybe. I've got hot blood. It's probably going to be a stroke. I mean, people do feel really hot before a stroke. Do you have any pain in your arm? No. Then you're alright. Can't I melt toast either? That's only if you have a brain aneurysm.

Slightly different thing. Yeah. Okay. Because that used to freak me out because I was just a huge hypochondriac. The minute I smelled burnt toast then it was like, I'm gonna fucking die. It's like I'm having toast, boy. I smell burnt toast. You can was like, I'm gonna fucking die! It's like, I'm having toast, boy! I smell burnt toast! You can't have an aneurysm every day.

Were you making toast at the time? Yeah, well that explains a lot of it. You can, making toast can reduce the smell of burnt toast. As can having an aneurysm. Yeah, well that's what they say, isn't it? Remember that advert from years ago where they said, do... No, it said, isn't it? Remember that advert from years ago where... It said do... No, it said do...

When you're giving someone CPR, do it to the rhythm of staying alive. Yeah. That was on the office that did that as well. Yeah. Staying alive. Same rhythm I guess, yeah. It's similar, yeah. Oh, do watch this. Oh, we're pulling in.

And that's the end of this week's episode, I guess. Oh, we're in the cool bit. Are we? The Liminal Platform bit at Liverpool Street. Oh, you like the liminal stuff? With this sort of deco-style, neo-deco-style postmodern light fixtures. I like it. See those? Yeah, no, I like it.

I'm going to take a photo of this. Yeah. You can stick it on the fucking website, can't you? No, you can stick it it. I'm going to take a photo of this. Yeah. You can stick it on the fucking website, can't you? No, you can stick it on your own website where you put up pictures of bins and corner shops. I'm not complaining, it's just what you do, innit? That's Instagram, it's not my website. Same difference.

Look, we're mentioning it on the podcast, so I think you should put the photo up. God, I can't believe why you said combative. No, I'm not. Can't we just have a nice time for once? No, never. That's not the format of this show. Got anything? Yeah.

The guy's got a good look, but it's not like my look. It's you and Jason though, isn't it? Yeah, he's hairy. Yeah mate, because I think pressing that button 1700 times is really going to make a big difference at the end of the day. It is. I don't know, I always find it funny when people bash out buttons knowing full well they're not...

It's a compulsion though, have you never had that compulsion? I don't know how it works. I know but you're coming across like a bit of a supercilious knob right now. Well mate, if there's one thing I'm super at, it's being supercilious. Supercilious? Supercilious. I'm supercilious about it. I'm supercilious.

I'm supercilious. Mad, I am supercilious. No, no, no, no, no. No. No, listen, mad, mad. I'm supercilious about it. Is that like a Chinese accent you do then? No, it wasn't, but it got towards the end so I think it's best we stop.

We stop, but it gets real fun doesn't it? I was trying to be like a snotty kind of... Yes I know, so was I. But then it went a little bit... Often you veer into it. What I don't mean to is... I know, I know. Just, you know, it's the way the cookie crumbles isn't it?

Oh where's me phone? Paul, it's the way the... The dookie fumbles. No, it's the way the fortune cookie crumbles Good that was good. Got your phone. Yeah, and I got me ticket. Oh, here we go one last beep. Oh Oh, yeah, I'll wake up eventually There we go. Thank you And that's that we're. That's this episode done.

Oh, Starbucks is closed. Where's Eli? Oh, his isn't working again. I think it's because he's picking the wrong one, but that's just me. Oh. Right, that's it. Where are you going? You're going for a walk up that way. Straight up that way. Yeah, and I'm going down that way to jump on the old tube liney-doo. Alright, mate, that was a nice day. It was a nice day you know what. The game was very

disappointing but you did very heavily foreshadow that. Yeah because I had a good go with it and I think if I hadn't I would have been deeply upset by the content of today's episode as it is. I knew what to expect. It was very disappointing gameplay. More of a model kit, sort of, it's a model kit hybrid sort of game. It's what we said in the episode, it's like, you know, it's there to be painted and like enjoyed. Why is that jacket called the Lumley jacket? Because Joanna Lumley designed it. Well that's not Joanna Lumley wearing it, isn't it? It's her husband. John Lumley. Johnny Lumley. I don't think her husband's called Lumley. I don't know if she even has a husband to be fair.

I don't know. She might do. Maybe. Maybe because she did do a lot of documentaries didn't she at the time? With her going out and about and shit like that. She was very supportive of their cause wasn't she? If it is. Gannon's getting that for his journey home.

Really another coffee. Some of us getting that for his journey home. Really, another coffee? Some of us have a problem with coffee, mate. It's not fun to make fun of my addictions. It's just a bit late in the day, mate. Yeah, but I might get a decaf. I just want the fix of it. Right, are you going then? It fixes the caffeine.

Yeah, but I like the hot milk and everything. And the flavor. Thank you, sir. Safe journey home. See you next week for more Cheaps. I want you to turn that off. I'm going to turn it off when you say goodbye. It's going to be one of those bye and then...

But then you're going to say, oh, he's a cunt. Well, cunt. No, I'm not going to. I'm going to do it more plaintively because I'll see you on Wednesday, right? For Patreon content. Two, aim for two. Aim for two. Two at your place, yeah? Two at your place. Right, mate.

Your place. My place. Are we doing the Avert and Casello thing now? No, who's on first? Who's... your place right mate? Your place? My place. Are we doing the Avert and Casello thing now? No who's on first? No what's on first? My place right? Who's on my place? Right will you please leave so I can go? I don't want you to do insult me on the podcast after I go. I don't need to insult you after you've gone I'm perfectly happy to do it into your face. Just turn it off are you gonna do a little bit at the end where you get a coffee? Yes. Alright fine enjoy that bit. I'm not now. Enjoy everyone where he get a coffee? Yes. Alright, fine, enjoy that bit. Enjoy everyone where he gets a coffee bit.

I'm not, this is where it ends, I'm just going to say goodbye myself. I'm trying to do it before I break wind. Goodbye. Goodbye. Weird. You're weird. You're weird and this is weird. And now everyone's looking at us.

Goodbye everyone, see you next week on Jeep Show.