CheapShow - Ep 100: The Live One

Episode Date: November 2, 2018

It's finally here! We somehow managed to make it to our 100th episode... So we thought we would go all out and put on an epic live show! It features all your favourite CheapShow segments, a few of those so called "characters", a couple of surprises and a "star studded" cast featuring Ashens, Mr. Biffo and fairweather co-host Ash Frith. It's big. It's loud. It's cheap! Warning: May contain pickles. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos and the full live show on YouTube can be found at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With @ashfrith @ashens @mrbiffo If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello, I am Paul Gannon. And this is Eli Silverman. Lovely to be here. Lovely to be here too, on this very special occasion. It's a very special day, Paul. Very special. Perhaps you should just give the audience a little bit of a rundown of why it's so special. Here we are in Islington, London. Yes.

And we're outside the Bill Murray pub. Yes, we're outside the comedy venue, the Bill Murray pub in London, for the very special 100th episode of Cheap Show. And what is the weather like? It's quite drizzly. As we stand here, waiting for everyone to arrive, there's the rains coming down. It's a bit of a grey day, but that won't stop the spirits of the plucky team putting on the comedy show today. No, they won't mind that. It will hydrate their forehead a bit as they walk into the venue a nice cool sheen and they've and professional comedians have told me yes john no you can call me paul paul they've

told me they like it because it gives them a bit of a slick when they and it evaporates it cools their forehead and it calls just like a computer needs cooling via a fan a comedian's brain acts very much like a processor and i see and if the the the slick wet moisture from the air collects in droplets on their rivuleted yes forehead and then it evaporates as they walk into the venue it cools them down and the brain process is quicker no i have to interrupt you i'm sorry to interrupt you but the first of all dignitaries are turning up now at the venue and here she is magnificent she's striding along look at her like a gazelle oh who is it it's your mom right uh and now uh uh here he is uh who's this now creator of digitizer himself paul rose aka

mr biffo he turns up at the bill murray pub waving to the crowd isn't he delightful he's got a cheeky and look he has some things in a sack there that seem to be squirming around that's interesting let's see what happens with that squirty bag later. Oh, there's someone else here, Paul. Who is it? Well, I do believe this is Internet Sensation himself, star of the film Ashen's and the Game Child, as well as his own channel, Ashen's, and the comedy weekly channel he does with Barry Lewis Barshens, which, of course, you and I appear on. It's only Stuart Ashen himself here with more tat, and he's looking very sharp today in a lovely lovely suit

very smart it's enough to make me want to just take my trousers down right here just jack into the gutter like a fucking tramp

and yes now finally our last guest our sometimes co-host Ash Frith is here he's the fair weather

host of the show he's looking a bit sad and down in the dumps. He looks a little bit down and he looks a little tired and haggard. I can only imagine, you know, he's had hard times lately. And here he is, Ash Frith, arriving at the venue and he's got a very feminine gait. He's walking with quite the strut today.

Yes. And yet his clothes show the haggard, torn, filthy, desperate for work Ash Frith. And yet he's still got a lot of spunk to him as he jaunts into the venue. He's spunky as old nails in a pot, as my mother used to say. He's got corduroys like a man who's lost his apricots, my mother used to say she said that to me every day every day of my life she said she used to go eli you're a man whose eyes are like butterflies in a glass case with a bottle of beer placed on it and a lovely little mark left. She used to say that to me every day, Paul. She used to say, son, when you grow up

you should be the kind of man who breaks a hat with a turkey and then truffles himself. So the audience are now entering the building. Oh, we're the fucking audience. Who are they entering the building. Oh, we're the fucking audience. Who are they? Shut up.

Sorry. So the audience are now calming, calmly. They're calming? Have you calmed it? Calm me down. Shut up, Eli. Right. The audience are now entering.

They look excited. They look eager. They look eager. They know. And a magnificent show is about to begin as Cheap Show celebrates its 100th episode today. Yes, let's go in and join them for the show. I think it's just about to kick off now, Paul. Yes, I do believe the music's coming up,

the lights are going down, and we hope you enjoy the show. Please do enjoy the show. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. No, no. You shut up.

Fuck off. Oh, shit, the music's not... Fucking Paul. What? I'm not ready. Come on, we can't mess around. Shut up. Everyone's fucking watching. Fucking no.

Shut up. You don't have to touch me all the time. I need. Shut up. You don't have to touch me all the time. I need to touch your mucus. You don't have to touch me right now. Can I touch that? No, you cannot touch that. I want to touch that the most. No, you can't.

Listen. Come on. Fuck off. I think they can hear us. It's a theatre tradition. I think it's coming out. It's not me to kiss you on the winky. No, you do not kiss my niffy winky.

You can sniff half the winky. Good. That's it. I'm sniff half the winky. Good. That's it. I'm ready to go. Right. Oh, shit, they are good. They fucking can fucking hear this. Do the intro, then.

All right. Shh, shh, shh. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Wanker. Wanker. Wanker. No, you can't do that.

You can't. All right, I won't, though. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Eli Silverman here, and you are at cheap show live with paul gannon's in it too it's 100th episode let's go cocker bonkers crazy and hit the theme tune i hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles right posse. People love noodles, right?

It's a fact of cheap show, you're going to have to fuck it up. That's it. Noodle time. Tells you the dance floor. Welcome to Cheap Show. I go and I nuzzle. Hello! Just give you a minute to get your breath back there. Go on.

It's Cheap Show 100! Yay! Talk amongst yourselves. You all right? Yay! Woo! It's all right, they can hear us. Okay, good.

Yeah. How are you? Right, good. So, good. Yeah. How are you? Right, good. So, this is amazing. This is our 100th episode and it's live from the Bill Murray pub in London. I am Paul Gannon, this is Eli Silverman and this is the Economy Comedy Podcast for your ears, not you.

You close your ears now. I'm out of breath, mate. Fucking hell. Yeah, Paul, two things, yeah? Yeah. That stop, quit smoking or cut down. And also, you always do this whenever we've got a live show

and you overexert yourself. And then you half die. Do you want me to just carry on? I'll just do it. Yeah, you do the show. So, Paul's a bit of a twanny, isn't he? But I am concerned about his health. Look, he can't...

You know, actually, do we need medical... I've got my inhaler, but it's in that bag, and fuck it, it's fine. If I die, think of the press we'll get. Wanker dies on stage doing shit below par podcast. If only he had his asthma inhaler said eli a cunt who so oh we've got who who reckons they're the furthest to travel for this show i know what the answer is hello stand up you now her name's shot shana sh Shana. I thought it was Shania like Twain.

How you doing? I'm terrified. Why? Are you enjoying London? Yeah, but it's terrifying. Overall feeling is terrifying then? Yes. All right, well, don't worry.

You're in safe hands here. Do you want a message to give to everyone? No? Do you have any parting wisdom? Parting wisdom? Yeah. We're starting to spew nonsense, really. She's not going, Paul.

She is now. Fuck's sake. Bye, you came all this way for me to say, say and get going. No, thank you so much for coming here today. I've got a little present for you later. That sounds brilliant. No, that sounds fine, Paul. A care package.

You know what? That does sound fucking dodgy. I'm okay with it. Oh, I'm very ill. You really do. And then we've got what's her face? Brave over there.

Rhiannon. Hello. Rhiannon. Rhiannon! Hello, Rhiannon. Hello. How are you? I'm good, thank you, yourself? Yeah. You know, same old shit.

He's sweating. I am sweating. Ugh. Do you want to do a tummy kiss? No, I do not want to. You want to do a tummy kiss? Tummy kiss? Honestly.

We always do a tummy kiss before a show And he won't do one now On our special 100th episode Do it Give them what they want Tummy kiss Tummy kiss Tummy kiss

You're all fucking pathetic I'm doing that stand up thing Yeah don't do it You're all fucking pathetic! I'm doing that stand up thing. Yeah, don't do it. Where they go, I'm nervous so I'm just going to do this with the microphone. Don't jack the mic, Stan. Jack it. Anyone else come further away than New York? New York.

I'm Jimmy Biscuits from New York. Fucking get it out the way now, right on top of the show. How you doing? I'm from New York. I'm from New York. Fucking get it out the way now, right top of the show. How you doing? I'm from New York. I'm from the Bronx. That's a proper place, isn't it? I go to the Bronx all the time too. Because I go to Queens.

Jimmy, Jimmy. What's your favourite, like, like deli style New York sandwich? Well I like the pastoami and I like grits and gherkins. You like grits in a sandwich? I got grits in my sandwich. And Jimmy biscuits, I do what I want. Well I'm not buying it. So there. Right okay. In improv There's something called Yes and

And you're no fuck off Yeah So That's good to know So anyone else Come from anywhere further New York or Some small island

Off the North of Scotland Is it the Orkney No Isle of Skye Isle of Skye I like Skye too It's a joke I've got them

Fucking hell So do the bit where you try to humiliate me now No I'm pointing at his face That's quite literally below the belt Right, here's what we haven't done in a while Me and Eli, as we all want to do Describe ourselves in a very particular way

No, we don't describe, I describe You describe me Yeah as we all want to do, describe ourselves in a very particular way. No, we don't describe... I describe... You describe me. Yeah. Got any parting shots? Parting thoughts? Right, you go first, then. Right, so a lot of people think they know about Paul,

but a lot of people don't know that he actually spent several years as the world's premium... ..seller of... This is what happens when you don't prepare a segment for the show. And you think, I don't fucking care. I'm Wiggy. I'm Eli. I do what I want. I'm a fucking genius.

Oh. Oh. No. No. There's no... There's going to be no R-ing for Eli in this fucking show. And I'll have you know, Paul, I did prepare this. I just forgot.

Which is better. Out of interest, when has the noodle special you've been playing... Paul, you're too late. Because of your lack of confidence in me on the noodle special, it's been sold to the ABC network in America, OK? And it's a full show. Fair enough. And I get to, like, you know,

I've got this sort of pan-codpiece combo thing going. Pan-codpiece? Does that mean it's many codpieces across time and space? The pan-codpiece? It's a multidimensional codpiece, yes. So what a lot of people don't know about Paul is that he was the world's premier seller of

monkey gland and monkey gland extract products and he had a whole monkey farm down in Guatemala. Not a good place. Not a good place. And the other thing they don't know is that, this is true as well Paul, you have extra orifices which are quilted with ermine fur.

Yeah. It's true. Just thought, you know, I thought that was all right, actually. Wait, sorry, is that it? Yeah. That's your intro to me? Yeah. Monkey Clan Farmer, ermine extra orifice.

Well. Well, come on, bring it out, whatever it is. He's a dwarf. Oh, the fucking little dwarf. What a little dwarf cunt he is. Eli. Something along those lines? It's my turn to introduce you.

Now, Eli. You thought you were here today to do Cheap Show. But unfortunately you're not. Because... Eli Silverman, this is your life. Hello there, I am the man who did that show, This is Your Life. What was his name? David Andrews.

It's David Andrews here, diddly diddly. Hello there. And this is Eli Silverman. This is your life. Oh God. Right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Born in 1957. I'm not going to do it in an accent.

Born in 1957, Eli was found under a mushroom. People expected him to be a dead Papa Smurf. They were wrong. First words were, Cabarachena. But it was at the age of 10 that Eli found his true calling, wanking in a shed to pornography, which he did do.

But we have a few messages from around the world. Your sister Emma and Jennifer got in touch with me of a few stories. Okay. So they just wanted me to clarify some of these. They're sorry they couldn't be here today. Okay. But Emma and Jen did send me an email with a few stories. Okay. So they just wanted me to clarify some of these. They're sorry they couldn't be here today. Okay. But Emma and Jen did send me an email

with a few things. So one, here's an interesting fact for you. Eli had a weird habit when he was young, according to Jen and Emma. He said he had a snot jaw. They also go on to say

he modelled figurines from these bogeys. That is so... That's what they say. It's fucking untrue. Jenny's been peddling this crap for years. They say... I might have once had a little shelf

with dry bogeys on it. Like any normal five-year-old. All they want is a confession and an explanation because they definitely think you did it. Well, there you go. It's a lie. I had no snot jar. I had a thing called my own... Listen. I had this thing called FOMO where I would take

the... Well, there's this copy... Photocopy paper. Yeah. It used to come with like a backing paper which was the pink plastic thing. I'm looking at Stuart like he knows about this. You know what I mean? Right. And I used to put felt tip on that

and then get wet cotton wool, rub it on that so the colour kind of went into the cotton wool and then I'd put it in a jar, screw the lid on and make a little label for it and it'd be like FOMO1 or something. So... Next story. or label it for it and it'd be like FOMO1 or something so next story

so that's not a bogey jar it's an art project I'm predating Damien Hirst by fucking 20 years and all you can do

is snot it's all snot alright I've got another you know what I've got what and a spunk jar anyway

that's the real That's the real. That's the real. Next story from Emma and Jen. Your sisters. Skateboard bad boy is the next story. As a fashion statement and keeping up with the trends of the 80s, Eli cut the arms off a sweatshirt

and used them as leg warmers. That's true. Rock and roll. That's really hip hop, man. Next one. Went. Rock and roll. That's really hip-hop, man. Yeah. Next one. When on vacation in Florida, they all decided to go to the beach. Eli went to get changed.

He chose very short, black, shiny running shorts and a black vest. However, he was forced to change from this because his penis moose knuckle was on show. Eli did not see an issue with this outfit. Was your knuckle on show? I can't even remember that at all. Yeah?

No. Probably for the best. My favourite story. During a game of hide and seek, Eli hid for so long and didn't want to lose, he chose to shit himself instead of getting found. Again, pure fabrication. Absolute lies.

They also sent a few other things as well. Oh no, no. So, little family. Here's Eli. How old were you in this picture, Eli? Yeah, ah. Adorable. Does it look like I've shat myself there?

Yeah. There's one. It's lovely. All images will be on the website for this episode. Thecheapshow.co.uk. Here's the next one. How's that one? It's upside down, Paul. It's at my sister's wedding. Look, sexy boy.

I've got a drink. Sexy boy. Look at him, all dapper. But again, my favourite one. You're losing it, man. My favourite one. Captain Handsome Face. Look at this.

Oh, sexy boy. Sexy boy. Look at you, you've got a proper... Oh, I've got a frot on in that picture. Like, oh. Oh. I do not got a frot on in that picture. Like, oh. Oh. I do not have a frot on. Oh, that is disturbing, actually.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm so different. Oh, God. I'm so different now. I know that. Fuck off. Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Do you remember that name from your professional past? No. Oh. Who is it then? Mystery voice. It's Mr. Biffo, your special friend. Hello. Stand up and tell us a lovely story about Eli.

I've written it down, but I can't find it. I was prepared. I'm the only one out of the three of us, thank you very much, that actually wrote something. They're going to wing it. Yeah. Okay. In short, I'll just do a quick summary. I feel you've gone on

too long with this intro. Yeah. Tell me about it. So in short, it was a story about how Eli lived in the walls, my cavity walls in my extension. And there was this whole thing in the story about how he had long, matted hair. And when we smashed through into the cavity walls

he sort of lifted up his front fur and there were like these balloon things there which were his sexual organs and he was in the cavity wall and he was laying some eggs and the man from the council came around and said what you've got here is a type of hominid

called a homo silverman and that's basically it thank you we have a one more voice outside who who is this our mystery guest joe do you recognize that voice yes joe joe would you like to come on and tell a story? Joseph Wilson, friend and supposed stand-up comic. Ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Wilson. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry I was late. Fucking trains, cubs. Hi. Now, I've known Eli for many years. I'm going to take a seat, Joker. Yeah, I'm going to take a seat. All right, I'll fucking take a seat.

Now, for many years, at the other pub... Fucking hell, you're there. Scars of A behind you. Right. We'd always get fucked up after the show, right, over across the road, and then we'd always have a lot of laughs, and then get really drunk. And I once, when Eli was taking a wee,

I once took a picture of his... No! Now. No! Shh. Shush. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

I'm leaving. Now. So for years, Eli would always, I'd always wind him up and go, but you know, it's just a photo, right?

And he'd go, I don't fucking believe you can. No. No. Right? And by the way, I first did Eli's impression. But now Paul has a different way of doing it.

So anyway, not that I'm bitter, but for years, ladies and gentlemen, we can now reveal... Thank you. This is actually, I think it's only fair to say, you're always like, oh, have you got it? Have you don't have it? Fuck off. After seven years of keeping it on my phone, Eli Silver, show it, don't show it.

Oh, no. You can now go, Joe. Joe! I thought that looked alright. It looked quite tidy, didn't it? Paul? I'm keeping this. I'm going to put googly eyes on it and call it Derek.

Very nice. Thanks for that. That's the show. Bye! No, it's time to start the show proper. Hooray! Right. I didn't, I didn't,

what? I'm here. What's coming up on the show today? So what have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Show one,

show two. Oh, it's Tales from the Dance Footnote, Shot Floor. Fuck! So, as people who listen to the podcast know and are aware,

people email us stories about their time working in a shop. Could be a charity shop. Doesn't necessarily have to be. Mostly they're stories about shit. Which is fine. But Christ, in my inbox, it's like,

this story's about shit. Delete. This story's about shit and piss. Delete. This story's about shit and piss, delete. This story's about shit, piss, and shitting in a man's mouth. I'll save that one. Yeah, save that one, go on. But we don't get a chance to read them all, because some of them are actually deeply depressing.

But I've got two that I've been banking for a while, so shall I just cut to the chase and start the story? Well, do I get a chance to read one? You can read the second one, yeah, is that all right? Okay, sure. Okay, okay, this is our first one. This comes from a guy called Justin. Shall I just cut to the chase and start the story? Well, do I get a chance to read one? You can read the second one, yeah. Is that all right? That's all right. Okey-dokey. This is our first one. This comes from a guy called Justin.

So, about ten years ago, I used to pump port-a-potties. Strap in. You're going to love this one. And septic tanks. When our smaller trucks would get full, we would unload into a big tanker truck that held 22,000 gallons. That's 22,000 gallons. That's 22,000 gallons of shit.

So one cold January morning, I went to unload into the big tank. That's what it says, which makes it sound like he was having a jack-off session, but anyway. And everything was going as usual. After about 30 seconds,

the fittings that held the pipe from my truck to the tanker failed. If you've ever been behind a tanker truck of the like, you will know that the rear output on them is at a perfect face-stroke-mouth level. You can see where this is going. So the heavy metal coupling hit me in the chest at a speed and pressure that only 22,000 gallons of shit coming out of a four inch opening can produce. Now at this point, I am pinned against my truck and the tanker,

which is only four feet away, to put it in perspective with the sewage of countless homes blasting at... Oh, hang on. To put it in perspective with the... Just write simple. Just read good. No, it's this. The sentence doesn't make any sense. Fuck off.

Anyway, the tanker sprayed at four feet away a force of shit so strong it shot straight down my throat and filled me up like a balloon. That's not true. I managed to get away and drop off all of my clothes in 10 degree Fahrenheit weather

and was sprayed down with cold water for 10 minutes. I jumped in... Here we go. A little gag moment there. I jumped in my car, now covered in frozen shit and feeling very ill from all the sewage in my stomach. I drove home naked, covered in shit and when I got home it was just in time for my neighbor's kids to see me running from my truck covered in shit

and ice and they never talked to me again this is totally true and if you go if you call my old boss he can verify the company is called gotta go potties and their number is five seven zero blank blank. Thanks for the podcast. Keep up the good work, guys. Well, thank you. Yeah. That might be the peak shit story

we've ever had. I would have liked if there had been some kind of dead pensioner like in there. Maybe the hand comes out. So, you know,

like that. Out of the sewage truck. Well, it's like it hits him. Ladies. And then at the end, like a dead pensioner's hand slaps him in the face,

comes out. And some murderer's been dumping pensioners in his truck. I'm just saying, I'm spitballing something, you know. Yeah, so this story's just for you to read. Now, I've called him a non,

because when you read the story, you'll find out why I should keep him anonymous. But also, I'm a little bit unsure this is a true story, but I'll let you read it. I'm unsure that last one is, because he would have... He said it's true. He would need medical attention. If you swallow any amount...

If you swallow tons of shit... Yeah, you need to go to the doctor. I would... I can't think about it too much. Paul. This has got so meta, your gag thing. You only have to think about gagging. There's no sort of...

No, I'm not thinking about gagging. I'm thinking about swallowing hot old shit. Right, you ready? Yeah. Calm down. This is not a shit-based story you'll be glad to hear. This is more like Breaking Bad. I'm just, yeah, I'm just sort of...

Scarebraiding it. I can see Clu Clutz Clan there. Yeah. Mmm. Mmm. Good. Read it. I've vetted it, it's fine-ish.

Right, I've already got an issue with the first line. Oh, here we fucking go. Why don't you write things? I don't like it when you don't write. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You can call me Jus.

What? I should have done that bit as well. Okay. Sorry, Anon. But who is Jus? What kind of name is Jus? I don't know. Justin? Okay, yeah thanks.

I'm going to Jus! Thanks for clearing that up for me. Before I get into the actual shop floor portion of this story, you'll need some background. Years ago, despite my protestations, a very distant relative

moved into my extra bedroom. This was a man in his 50s. I was in my early 20s at the time. Thank you. Great. He wore almost nothing but very, very short

cut-off denim shorts. I like this already. No, why? It's just nice, nice colour. I saw a man on the train, I think he must have been about 70, wearing the smallest running shorts I've ever seen.

And he fell asleep and he had a big smile on his face. And then literally in the course of the next three stops, he got the massivest bonk on I've ever seen. When? Like a few days ago. He was sleeping on... He looked really happy, to be fair to him. If you're 70, you're just like,

oh, fuck it. I can't believe it! Doesn't matter where it is. It's working, isn't it? The problem is he's asleep, so he can't enjoy it. I have to wake him up. He had, fuck it. I can't believe it! It doesn't matter where it is. It's working, isn't it? The problem is he's asleep, so he can't enjoy it. I have to wake him up. You had an erection then. I missed it!

Anyway, go on. Okay? Yeah. The man in his 50s, I was in my early 20s, he wore almost nothing but very short cut-off denim shorts and Rolling Stones T-shirts. He had a pet caiman, which is a small alligator, if you didn't know.

I didn't know. Which he let run loose in his bedroom at all times. He was a high-ranking member of the local Ku Klux Klan. Rock and roll. And was also a member of the Army Reserve, despite the fact that he was legally blind without his glasses. This is like a Netflix thing, isn't it? He achieved this for years by hand-altering his medical exam forms.

Hand-altering? No, not like that. He banked on his form. Just do a little bit of hand-alteration on that. Dot the I's, cross the T's, love. Spunk on this form. Yeah, anyway, we've got the point. Moving on.

Hand-alter, his medical exam forms. He's also mentioned more than once to me that he was still in the reserves but he could get cigarettes quite cheap in the Middle East and come home and resell them. Why does that make him still in the reserves? I don't understand. I don't know.

He was interesting, to say the least. He was to pay a modest amount per month and one utility bill of his choice. Great deal! Yeah, but what's... I mean, what? That's stupid. Like, oh, I'll turn the light on or not. I won't be taking the electricity.

Why would you choose which utility to fucking save? This week I'm paying for Netflix. They could put in a big sort of, like, fruit machine. They could go... Gas. big sort of fruit machine. There you go. Gas. It's a great plan. It's stupid. Fucking stupid.

Really. I'm pissed off with this. Utility bill of his choice? My arse. That's where the story falls down. Anyway. It went well for about two months before he stopped paying anything. For the next six months or so, he had an excuse every month not to pay. Obviously, I wasn't happy with this. So while he was in the Philippines meeting his mail-order bride for the first time, brackets, yes,

I went into his room to snoop around for money. I was hoping to find a few dollars and maybe some change. Right, this is all very morally dubious in every aspect. So he's gone to steal money from him. I mean, he was owed it, but you know. Instead, I found a large plastic storage container chocked full of eight balls of cocaine. And $2,600 cash.

I took it all. What, you just took it? Yeah, why cash. I took it all. What? You just took it? Yeah, why not? Because it's theft. What? You know, he's going to go to the police. Someone stole all my eight balls of cocaine.

Yeah. No, you won't. Of course. That's the whole point. That's why the real good career criminals, they rip off other criminals. And they're fucking cool. Stop watching Peaky Blinders.

Now, fast forward to the shop floor part. Good. I was wondering. I was volunteering at our local Salvation Army store to pay the place. To say the place was mismanaged was an understatement. Most days, there was only one person working. So if that person were you, you would be expected to sort

donations in the back and then run back out into the front if a customer arrived. I'd recently lost my job and was barely scraping by with that job due to my housemate not paying anything. Then I had an idea. The coke. The coke was the idea. Sniff the coke. Yeah.

Fucking that's the idea. I would have had that idea at least a paragraph ago I'd done nothing with the coke and used all the money catching up the bills that were late I spread the word to a few friends about my new business venture

I wasn't into that particular drug but I knew that they'd be able to find me business Of course, always For the next eight months anyone who came into the back to make a donation and asked if Mandy was working left with cocaine.

At the end of it all, I had made over $10,000. My housemate ended up getting caught leaving the Philippines attempting to smuggle drugs. No shit. I haven't seen him since. The Cayman is okay, though. No, they kept the alligator thing. Yeah.

Great! Yeah. Is that it? That's it, man. He just nicked a bunch of drugs off his crazy racist housemate. It is like Breaking Bad. Except, you know, shorter. I've always had that fantasy about finding a large amount of drugs and then having to

sell it. Yeah. Undercover. Because you don't want to let people know because then they can't have it. Alright, okay. You sell drugs to me then. You've got all this drugs. I'm a big dealer. All right? Sitting in a car with the windows wound up. Tip, tip, tip, tip, tip.

Hello. Hello How can I help you? I've got loads of drugs, you want them? What kind of drugs do you have? What do you want? I've got uppers, downers, inbetweeners I like uppers I like it Uppers US

What? There's a thing my dad There's a thing right Where there was a joke going around About the Italian accent when he was a kid Where they asked where Minnesota was And then the Italian sort of butt of the joke would say Upper US

Upper US It's funny Paul I don't know if it is and then the Italian sort of butt of the joke would say, upper US, upper US. It's funny, Paul. It's not. I don't know if it is. Anyway, okay, I take the uppers. I'll tell much. Okay.

Yeah, they're around the corner. How much? How much have you got? I've got 28 balls. I'll give you 15 quid for it all. That's not enough. I was hoping for more. 20 quid for it all. That's not enough. I was hoping for more. 20 quid for it all.

No, push it up a bit more. 21. Go up a little bit more. 22. I'm walking away. 23. I'm turning my back. Five.

You've gone down now. Oh, sorry. This is my first time, see. How about I give you... £26? No, that's all right. My wife's gonna kill me. I am a drug man.

Bravo! Bravo! Brilliant stuff. I know, that was really good Paul. You used the same voice that you've used before though. I'll do a different voice then. No, no, don't do the scene again, please. I want some drugs.

I want some drugs. Can you have some? No, you look too young. I wouldn't tell to you. I want drugs. I'm getting out of this. What drugs you got? I got none. None for the likes of you. Have Mark Owen. Shine.

Let it shine. Can I have some drugs? No. Gary Barlow once sent me to get drugs. Can I have some? Fuck off. Oh, I wrote babe. You can't talk to me like... You didn't write babe.

Gary says... What, the movie Babe? No, the song. All I do each night is babe. Hoping that your baby. All I do each night is babe. Hoping that your babe All I do each night is babe. Shut up! It's a verb.

To babe. Bravo. No! Right, it's this time of the show. We like to play a little game that everybody loves and that game today is called... The Price of Shite.

Eli. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, that's right. Price of Shite, it's the fucking Price of Shite, oh it's the fucking Price of Shite! Oh that's right!

And to join us in this first game, we have some guests, we've said hardly anything to them today, so let's get our first guest on. Oh, who's playing Price of Shite? Oh it's Stuart's playing it, welcome on stage, Mr Stuart Asher everybody. We have microphone foil. I believe that one should work, sir. Be very careful. It's very much a tangled web we weave. I don't think it does work. Yes, it does work.

Stuart, everybody! It's very small up here. Just in case you hadn't noticed. Yes, well, it doesn't take up much real estate, so we're fine. Hang on, I found a paperclip. That is your first price of shite. How much do you think that cost? Well, it's pink.

It's metallic. It's fancy. Yeah, it's quite a fancy paperclip. It's a quality paperclip. As paperclips go, this is like upper echelon. This is God's tier of paperclips. God's tier. Yeah, it does.

Although, how many tiers can you have for paperclips? Let's be honest. As many as you fucking like. Christ fucking hell. Paperclip racism every time I come on stage. You know I hate them. Coming over here, binding our paper. I won't have it.

Oh, don't do another improvisation. I've got all the characters. Half a pence. Is correct. Yay. So, what we usually like to do on The Price is Right do another improvisation now. I've got all the characters. Half a pence. Is correct. Yay! So what we usually like to do on The Price of Shite is me and Eli will buy a few things and we'll rate them or we'll score them. We're going to do something slightly different for our live version. We're going to

hopefully harvest a few Price of Shite items from you, the crowd, because I believe some of you have brought something, yeah? Yeah. Not as many as I thought, though. Well, I've got one. It doesn't matter. Well, you save yours for the second shot. I've got, actually, I've duplicated it three times. So that, yeah.

See, I prepared. And I've got plenty. Congrats. And the other thing I wanted to mention, Paul. I think, you know, I was looking, I was at McDonald's the other day. Da-da, da-da.

Fucking, oh, I hate it so much when you do that. I really do. I really do. No, honestly, I do. Go much when you do that. I really do. I really do. No, honestly, I do. Go on, just carry on. And I looked at the fillet fish. And I thought, that's clever, isn't it?

The way that they've left off the F. In it's a fish. No, it's not fillet of ish. It's fillet of fish, right? Oh. So. Yeah. I think it should be the price of shite.

No. No, we're not renaming the show because you got enticed by fish. It's homely. It's not happening. It's homely. It's like, oh, down on the farm I got the price of shite. I mean, he's not wrong on that. You piece of shit.

No. How about price our shites? Yes. You can nick it off Toys R Us because they're dead. They're not using it. Yeah, and what about babies R Us? No, they're not. Don't get me started on that.

Right, anyway, so to start off the price of shite, what we're going to do today is something a little bit different. Rather than score it for price and things like that, we're going to find five items for you from the crowd. Shall I go get them? In a minute, yeah. And you will put them in order from cheapest to most expensive. So, Eli, when you get them, I need you to take a quiet note of the price.

Do you have a pen and paper for that? No. It's going to be difficult, isn't it? You're going to have to use your brain brain. Alright, I can do that. Oh hang on, is Stuart looking for money? No I'm just killing time. Okay I'll remember the price, I can remember. Alright, okay. I'll tell you what, we can actually get the price, the items at the very end because we can stand up once they've all been put in because we won't know so we'll reveal it at the end. I don't understand what you're saying. Well no because Stuart will put them in a row but then we'll find so we'll reveal it at the end. I don't understand what you're saying. Well, no, because Stuart will put them in a row,

but then we'll find out which was the cheapest at the end, when we've got them all. Okay. We'll get them to shout the price out. Okay, fine. I've got you now. So, shall I get some items? In a minute, I've got my first item to start us all off.

Ah, I see. Right? So, what's your item? And the first item on this live edition of the Price O'Shite Paul. I have got Peter Davison's Book of Alien Planets. It's a little book that Peter Davison put his name on and

that's it. Literally. All he's done is gone, someone went up to Peter Davison and went, you're Doctor Who! He went, yeah. Do you want to help us compile a book of sci-fi? Yeah, what have I got to do? Nothing, just write 50 words at the top of the book and fuck off. I'll do it. What did you say?

Was he Doctor Who? I can read that, actually. Do you want to read out what his introduction says? He was Doctor Who, right? Yeah, he was. He was the young one who nobody liked because he looked different to the others, but then they liked him a bit more. And that's how Doctor Who always works. That's that way. In what might be termed the first book of the series...

What do you mean, what might be termed the first book of the series? Well, they haven't sent me the contract for the other five books. It's a bit weaselly, though, isn't it? It's a bloody introduction. A book of alien monsters, no less. You advertise it as planets, you fucking liar. He doesn't even know what the fuck he's doing. He's drunk writing this. It gets worse as well.

Oh, it's the alien fuckers. He's too busy bopping a trillion. Have I got a series? have I got the next series a series of books I don't know I'm Peter Davidson do you like this I could come back

so he's off his face on Eli's speedballs here in what might be termed the first book of the series a book of alien monsters no less no I expressed my sense of honour

at having such a book of my own it's really not good with the words. No. Is it, Davison? No. No one who didn't fucking write anything. Well, I'm honoured again.

Again? Oh, no, this must be the second. What I'm getting now, this is the second, and the first was monsters. Oh, I'm with you. If you think about it, if you're going to do books of alien things,

you'd start with the monsters. Did monsters, then he did planets. And then it's going to be like lavatories, and then sort of... Cutlery. Moss. start with the monsters. Then he did planets. And then it's going to be like lava trees. Cutlery. Moss. Alien cutlery. Peter Davison's book of alien cutlery. I'll bet that goes for a fortune

on Amazon. A year has passed and as Doctor Who, I have confronted a few more alien monsters in my spare time just to get away from it all. I have been reading about strange places in far away galaxies. Now, I find myself presenting to you a book of alien planets. The stories were chosen, somewhat selfishly perhaps,

because I like them. No, no, they weren't. Back off. What a fucking lie. You mean the people in the researcher's office liked them? I haven't read anything. That's what he's saying. I thought you said that you haven't read anything.

No, well, I actually have. Have you? Yes. you said that you haven't read anything no well I actually have have you? yes what's your favourite book? The Work of Dickens Peter Dickinson that is so basically it's just one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight

old science fiction stories from the 50s yeah oh look something like titles in there written by noted authors Ray Bradbury, R.C. Clarke Mary Gentle I haven't heard by noted authors. Ray Bradbury, R.C. Clarke, Mary Gentle, who I haven't heard of. Yeah, Mary Gentle, Ray Bradbury.

And Stephen David was quite popular. So these are from these were probably taken from some of those pulp sci-fi magazines. It was typeset in Bury St. Edmunds, though. There's your guarantee of quality. Yeah. I like the cover.

It's one of those 70s prog rock Yes album type covers. Is it Chris Foss? Yeah, it kind of looks like a set of Alien dildos, though. It certainly does. Maybe that was the third in the series. They got the covers mixed up. Alien sex toys. Yes, I do remember E.T.

Right, I'm going to put that there. Good, Paul, great work. So that's your first item, the Peter Davison. First item. So that's your starting point. Eli, go fetch some. Who's got something for us? Oh, oh, oh. Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.

All right. Oh, oh, we've got a few. Fuck, you know. I tell you what, grab three, and we'll grab two on this side. Eli, ignore that side now. I've got 20 of them. Hand us two from this side for now, and we might get some later. Right, oh, and oh.

Oh, fuck. Ah, I know whose these are. If you don't know what I'm holding in my hand because you're listening to a podcast, it's a big pair of dangly rubber testicles, ladies and gentlemen. Stolen from a certain set, apparently. Stolen from a certain set.

Stolen. Biffo was looking for these. I've been without testicles now for two months. Yeah. These aren't props. So they're disqualified because we know their origin, yes? Get rid of them. God, it's really freaking me out.

I don't want that. I don't need that. Memory. Like the shadows of my mind. Right, what have we got? You want your balls back, Biffo? I don't know what you've been doing with them. Yeah, what have you been...

I might want to rinse them under the tap. Yeah, I do. That's the unfortunate problem. I know exactly where these have been and my mouth will never forgive you. So, I'll just hand these to you. Firstly, we have a green skull. Green, rubbery skull and it's got a very pleasing weight to you. Firstly, we have a green skull. Green, rubbery skull, and it's got a very pleasing weight to it.

I think you'll find. Nice. Feel that weight. Ooh, that's a projectile. I think it may be a pencil eraser. Does it have a smell? No. Everyone sniffs the skull.

Well, it's quite nicely moulded. It's very heavy. It's very solid, but I still think it's stationary of some type. Also, big overbite. Paperweight could be. Could be like Mr Burns from The Simpsons. Yeah. Oh, bloody hell. Okay.

Okay, then, so we've got that item. That's probably so shy item two. Then we have this delightful picture of a chimpanzee baby who's super glowed to the head of a cat. It's a chimp strangling a kitten. It's horrible. That chimp is on so much heroin as well. Sorry. You can see it this side, yeah. There you go.

It's a lovely, lovely picture. There you go. And then what else have we got? Oh, who's this little lady here? This is a piece of... It looks like a piece of tourist, Tad, from Ibiza. And it's a grieving widow. It's a Mediterranean-style grieving widow, and she has a little faggot of...

Is that what they call them? I fucking hope so, mate. Jesus. A bindle of sticks. Oh, a bindle. I was going to say bindle, but I didn't dare. But now you've released me. Released the bindle.

It's a bindle stroke faggot she's got there. Stop saying faggot. It's a term used for a bundle of sticks. It's debatable. Or meaty meatballs. A meatball, thank you very much. A black country meatball. Right.

Spider-Man 2. On UMD, the finest of all formats. Stuart, tell us a bit about UMD. Well, UMD stands, I believe, for Universal Media Disc, and it was one of Sony's proprietary formats that they kept trying to force on people, which didn't work very well. They were only playable in this country, I believe,

in a Sony PSP, although there were standalone players made for them abroad. Thank you very much. Short version. Bit of shit in it. Now, who's volunteered this object? Now, you've done something very silly. Oh!

The fucking thing very silly. The fucking receipt. I was going to say they're all a quid in CEX. That's a step one. Oh it's a quid isn't it? But we still don't know what order it comes in so if there's still a game player. And he's put the receipt in.

Look at that thing. That's pretty cool. I don't know why that didn't catch on. Because it fits bugger all data on it, and it's very, very slow. And so what about the actual resolution? It looks like someone's taped 50 GIFs together. Because like most people, I've never watched one of the both things.

I think it's slightly sub-DVD quality. But this is the Sam Raimi Spider-Man 2, right? Yeah. That was good. I liked that film. That's all right. As long as you like it, we're fine. Alfred Molina as

Doctor Octopus, was it? Doctor Octopus. Now, what do we have here? Why don't you just call him Doctor Puss? Because then people would think he's a cat. Ah, fair enough.

Oh yeah, Doctor Puss. Yeah. I like that. We have a book, a box of matchstick puzzles. 50 brain teasers for bright sparks. How many of these do I have to put in order? As many as you like.

700. We're going to go for all of them. All right, all the ones I have. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. Match. Brain teasers.

Okay. Then we've got this delightful American-themed Statue of Liberty biro. And the colour is blue. Wow. What a surprise. There you go. Standard blue ink in that one, everyone.

And lastly... Oh. Ghost boring. Ghost boring. Ghost boring. Aren't you witty? Aren't you Captain fucking witty? Aren't you Oliver Wilde? Oliver Wilde, the wittiest man in the world.

Oliver Wilde. Oliver Wilde. Okay, so this is a Ghostbusters build box. Yeah, I've actually got one. Now I have two. One for each eye. One for each eye. Yeah, I can position them in my face at different angles. Well, perhaps you'd like to describe what it is,

Paul. It's a book that's full of little pop-out cardboard models that you can fold and make into an Ecto-1 or a hungry Slimer. Okay. It's good. It's got a little booking with puzzles and games and factoids. Not just facts. Toids. Does this place have a recycling bin?

Ghostbusters was a film from the 80s. Full stop. Fucking what else, you know? It was good, but a bit rapey on retrospect. Yeah, a bit rapey on retrospect. It's not like noodles, is it? How can noodles be rapey then? Exactly. They can't. They're neutral.

You'll find a way, mate. Right, so, we got matchsticks, we got pen, and we got GB book thing. Right, so that is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 items altogether, including Oh, it's like Cracker Jack.

You get questions, you have to hold as many as you can. Who's over 40? Yeah, reference for all of those people. Everyone else is like, he old man makes scary sounds with mouth. When I was at school, somebody said, Stu Francis, the host of Cracker Jack, was going to

give a school assembly one day. Of course he fucking didn't. What a ridiculous lie. Oh, I could sue a cunt. That was his catchphrase, not sue a cunt. It was a cushy grape. Oh, I could cushy grape. And you built a career on that.

On that. Yeah, you say career. Where did he go after Cracker Jack? Dole. The Dole office, I think. Panto. Panto? Yeah.

Every bugger ends up in Panto. Where the British go to die Eli and I will do Panto in a few years time I'm hoping Oh no I won't Don't talk over it I had a good gag there Go on I said oh no I won't You won't

I like the way the audience didn't pick up on that at all I think of a death knell on that Right so you have now 30 seconds to put things... 30 seconds? Yeah. To work out bloody cheap strangling kittens. Stick them on the floor.

And from this side is the cheapest... I'll take your mic, Stu, for a second. I'm on the cheap side. Eli's on the expensive side. You now have 30 seconds-ish to put them in order. Is this the Scottish Widows lady who's been stung by a lot of wasps? Right, dummy joke. Get on with it.

All right, good. So, okay, line them up from cheapest here to more expensive there. Just line them up on the floor. So cheapest on the right. Yes. Thus going against the way my brain works. All right, then do the other way around. Yes.

Whatever works for you. I was an Argos once. This gets better. I obviously. Oh, God. It really is annoying annoying isn't it? So the lady served me was very nice and all that and she had said

before you go, can you do this little electronic thing where you say if you had good service and it was literally like a row of faces from two to, you know so I'm guessing it was the good one yes of course I will, and right in front of her I pressed the one on the far right. And they had put the bad one on the far right

and the good one on the far left against the way my brain works. So I stood in front of her and said, of course I'll rate you, nice lady. You're shit! Yeah, pressed the shit button. And then realised after she'd walked off. And that lady's name, Albert Einstein. That's what you get for stealing ideas as a patent clerk.

Right, so, are you ready to line your price of shite up tonight? Go! Go! One, two... No, we're not going to count the whole thing. Right. So, how are you, Eli? You all right?

We haven't spoken to Ash yet. Say hello to Ash. All right. Hello, Ash. I don't know why we bother having him on. We should have killed him off properly in that episode. He helps with the longueurs that you provide. Oh, do I provide the longueurs?

No, do I? Well, then get him to say something witty. All right, say something. It doesn't have to be witty. I once went to Paul's house, and he came to the door completely naked. That's not true. I had an erection. Which he had dressed, to be fair.

As a little sort of cobbling woman. Those things you put on the end of turkey legs. Yeah. Good, you've filled the time and Stuart has... Oh, it's shedding, man. Come on. Eli, look. I've got a new character.

Do you know it's more the noise than the visuals? It's the scribbles. Beware the scribbles. That's not what the scribbles look like. scribbles. Beware the scribbles. That's not what the scribbles look like. This bit's going to work really well on the podcast. Wow, really well.

To all our listeners, Paul's being a dick if the listeners want to just see. Technically a scrotum. Right, so Eli, tell us what the cheapest to reach us was. Now, Stuart has opted for Peter Davidson's book of alien planets being the cheapest. Then, one up from that is the blue ink Statue of Liberty America themed biro. Up from that, the obese, faggot carrying Mediterranean widow from Ibiza.

Next to that, the outdated, what's it called, a UMD. UMD. UMD, a video of Spider-Man 2, the Sam Raimi one. Then we have the beautifully weighted

green skull, my personal favourite item. Yeah, I agree with that. In the middle. Already, I regret this. I think I'm just,

Davison's introduction angered me so much I wanted it to be the cheapest. Yeah, he is cheap, isn't he? It's like, that's confident. Take that, Davison. Well,ed me so much I wanted it to be the cheapest. Yeah, he is cheap, isn't he? What?

It's like... Ooh! Take that, Davison. Well, it's like, oh, when they asked me to do this book, I was delighted. I can barely convince you of this in the written form in the beginning of the fucking book.

Do you know what I mean? Anyway, we've got the green skull there. Next up, we have the very cute kitten and orangutan... What are they called? Chimpanzee, sorry. Kitty chimp, fun. Then we have the...

I think the chimp's dead now I look at it again. Yeah, he is definitely dead. He's definitely dead. What they've done is they've made some specially blurred wallpaper and he's actually just glued onto it. For fake depth of field to conceal a dead chimp. Yes. They'll go to all sorts of places.

And then your second most expensive item, according to you, is the match stick. Puzzled. Brain teasers in a box. In a big box, you see. They like that in charity shops. And then you said the most expensive item was the Ghostbusters build box. Even bigger box. Yes. Logic. Now, we need to

find out the prices now and see if the order is correct. So, I will tell you that the Peter Davidson book cost me one pound. One pound. What? I know. Where'd you buy that from? Fucking Harrods?

Well, that's the London charity shops for you. I could have gotten that for 50p in Cambridge, but not the hoity-toity Harrow up the hill. You didn't tell me bloody London shop. Listen, you're going to have to rejig your whole thought patterns for London. It's a bit late now, though, because we've done it. So next, the pen. How much did that cost?

It was $2.25 USD. $2.25 USD. My favourite Star Trek series. So how much is it? $2.50? That's about... £1.50? Let's say £1.50. Okay, so he's got the right order there with those two. Well, yeah, hang on.

I'm going to write this down. Pen. Then we have... On the floor. Blue ink. Yeah. You could write in the Book of Planets because nobody's going to read it. I've written it on the phone now.

So next, who got the widow? You, sir. How much? How much was the widow? She was 50p. She was 50p. She was 50p. Widow doll, 50p. So that goes there.

Spider-Man 2-1 thing. Oh, no one's admitting to it now. You did? How much was that, sir? One pound. One pound? Oh, another pound. Oh, exciting.

And by exciting, it's not. Can I ask, did the New York pen, did that come from a Goodwill shop or was it from a tourist place? It was actually from a Japanese bookstore. A Japanese bookstore in New York? I was already there and I saw it and I had to get it because it was so bad. Fair enough. That's a great remit for the programming of this show. Isn't that a bizarre thing?

I've got a bookstore in New York that sells Japanese books. Better get a patriotic pen in there. Yeah. Right, so the green school. Who had the green school? Yes, madam. I can't quite see. Sorry. It's a pound. It's a pound. We've got a big gunji pound mess at the bottom of this now.

Who brought us the kitty picture? Hello, madam. what was it worth? It was £2.20 Oh It's only a quick frame as well That's in the right place so far isn't it? Yes Because that gets me points

£2.20 so that leaves How much was the skull again? £1 Shut up I've just put 1K down now. So, Matchsticks. How much was the Matchsticks? You, sir?

It was 5P with any purchase, and I got a Ghostbusters thing for you. Oh, Christ. Matchsticks, 5P. Oh, no. I was blindsided just with that one. My God. And then, finally, the Ghostbusters. Big box, box, box, box.

Here you are. Ooh. Two. Two quid. I almost had a sentence come box of books, books, books. Here you are. Ooh, two. Two quid. I almost had a sentence come out of my mouth then as well. It's very exciting. Right. Ooh, so that means... I'll put them in the right order then, shall we?

So, 2p was the matchsticks. 5p. That's at the bottom. 5p. I mean, that's now a liar. Come on. Come on. 50p for the widow doll. 50p.p. I mean, that's now a liar. Come on. 50p for the Widow doll. 50p.

Then we have every item that was a quid. Which was the Spider-Man 2 DVD, the book, and the skull. And that's it. Oh, Spider-Man 2. Yeah, you got all that. Yeah. Okay, next was the... Pen.

The pen, yeah. £1.40. Great. The monkey picture was £2.20, so that's the most expensive item, and the Ghostbusters book comes penultimate. So, after all of that, because we've moved it around,

we don't know how well we did. Thank God for that. Hang on a minute. Hang on. Great format. Great formatting This is getting more Barshans He took a picture

Thank god I'm such a spile sport Come on love I'll give you a quid to delete it Give it here now Don't give anyone in the audience money Give it here You've got to delete it now

Paul You've got to delete it now Paul What? I pressed the wrong button I deleted it That was a successful segment of the show Best quid I ever spent Well

You can sit down. Thank God for that. What have we got now? I forgot about... I mean, Stuart won! Yay! That's where I'll do the edit. So,

in this part of the show, we like to rummage in Eli's 12-inch box and pull out some treats for you to listen to. So, Eli... These are all 7-inch records. I know, but fucking hell, I was doing a knob gag. It's not a 12-inch box. Alright, then you have a small dick gag then, coming.

We went through Eli's box and pulled out his tiny... No, that's tiny 7 inches above average. I got no intro now! No, you don't. Anyway, we're going to do Silverman's fucking platter. Yay! And joining us is Fairweather

presenter Ash Frith. Yay! So this is where we tend to... He's fucking lost interest. Oh, fuck off. I'm just eating whiskey. No, no you don't. Just waiting for me to get on stage.

He's going to fuck off. I'm thinking of doing the same thing. I'm desperate to get off. You both need to pee. Anyone else need to pee? Oh, well, too bad. I'll be honest with you. I'm sitting there, right?

I can see the running order. We're about two points of 100 points into a show. We've all been in it for four hours. It's like Live Aid. It's exciting. Eli's going to come on and do Radio Gaga in a minute. We'll all go... Too young for this.

They have no idea what Live Aid is. Anyway, we're playing Silverman's Platter. Silverman! Yes. What's it about? It's when I get records and put them on. Have you lost faith in it, Elon? I've lost, yeah. I've lost the will to, you know.

But yeah, I've got some records, don't I? What are they? What do some records, don't I? What are they? What do you mean, what are they? You told me. For fuck's sake. This is what a real show's like. We sit down, we start recording.

Imagine if they'd had to pay to get in and watch this. I'm glad they didn't. Now, Paul, just remind me, which two are we doing in this show and which two are we doing in... Okay. Now, I've got these in my bag so I can show them. Ooh.

Show them. Where's your bag? Upstairs. It's just behind you. Not that bag. That's my one. That's your bag. Is that a bomb vest?

What was that? Your bag does look like a bomb vest. It's true. Guys. It's just practical for bombing. A practical bomb vest. Can you pass my bag, please, Paul? Where is it?

Just there. Oh. There'll be the plastic. What's that? Ooh. Ooh. Don't ooh. It's noodles.

Oh, it's like Magic Mike, but with noodles. Fine. All right, have you got your fucking records now? Two. Right, okay. Okay, so the first record, I'm sorry, I couldn't get the picture sleeve for this one. Okay.

I don't know if there was one, but this is a typical novelty record of the 80s. E.T. Phone Home. By Jupiter 8 featuring Kitty Woodson. Who's Kitty Woodson? A porn star? Sounds like one.

Does someone know something we don't? E.T. Phone Home. Foam Home, more like. Just keep trying. E.T. fingering something. And making things come to life with his bulbous end. Wouldn't she be called, if she was a porn actress, something like Kit Kat Wood On?

Kit Kat Wood On? What's wrong with Kitty? Pussy Wood. P Wood on. Pussy Wood Kitty. Pussy Wood. Pussy Wood. Pussy Wood what? Would take it from all comers on a dirty porn... You're looking like you're reading it.

Don't do that. Shall we listen to a little bit of it? Yes. Chris, could you play E.T. Phone Home? Good. Nice send play E.T. Phone Home? Good. Nice send. E.T.

Phone Home. He's back. He's back. He's back. Stop dancing. He misses the ark. He's left in the dark and hiding. Somebody now will find him. Oh, E.T. Stop drinking. Right, cut it.

Cut it. We've done that. E.T. phone home. Right. So what's your first impression of that? I like the way that they've cleverly incorporated the Close Encounters of the Third Kind theme into that. Oh, God, that's a good point. Yeah, it's not the E.T. theme, is it? No, it's the Close Encounters of the Third Kind theme into that. Oh, God, that's a good point.

Yeah, it's not the E.T. theme, is it? No, it's the Close Encounters of the Third Kind. What's the E.T. theme? Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. E.T. E.T. It's not that. It's E.T.

E.T. E.T. E.T. No, that's Superman. E.T. E.T. No, that's Superman. E.T.

E.T. I think he's right. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T. E.T-T-T no that's Superman E-T-E-T I think he's I think he's right E-T-T-T I think he's right I think it's E-T no it's not E-T it's E-T

E-T-T-T-T oh yeah E-T-T-T-T phone home phone home closing counters that's what they used on that. Third kind.

So I want to know, they actually needed permission. They didn't have the right for any of it. I don't think they did. I think it was a cushion. But this record has a real place in my heart because I remember it from the time listening to it on the radio. Ah. Your anecdotes.

All your anecdotes suck. Well, that was a bit I knew I got an anecdote I went on a pizza once I'm so pleased to be here Listen that anecdote Was topped off with a lovely

Ah A little ah of nostalgia Which works as an end To any kind of sentence It's a lovely story The story of Eli Remembering listening To a song on the radio.

Come on, guys. Right, Ash. Ash, what are your opinions on this song? I thought it was turgid old shit. I just don't understand

how that gets made. That could not have taken more than half an hour to produce. It's a novelty song which is a format that doesn't exist anymore. All right.

You! What do you think of it?'s your name where'd you come from connor just moved to london did you like that song no really congratulations this is why i don't talk to the audience what did you want her to say that it's the best song that's ever received back oh i thought it was a classical disco classic i believe it got to quite a high position in the charts. What kind of position? Fourth. Fourth in the charts.

Fourth in the top ten, I believe. And now coming in at number fourth. In third. And in first position. Yeah. That sounded right. Yeah, that is right. That's how it would work.

You've got the gig. In tenth. No, you're doing it right again. Stop doing it right. Tenth place. Number tenth, say that. Number tenth, say that. That's wrong.

They can't give a fuck. They've switched off. Frankly, I'm losing energy now. I've got another fucking show to do. And I want to wank. So I get excited. You don't want to wank, do you? All right.

What would you rate it out of five, Platters? Well, your wank. Yeah. Rate my wank. Rate my wank. Two? Yeah. Eli, rate my wank.

Fucking minus 100. I gave it two because you looked me in the eyes. Anyway. It reminds me of a time when they used to have big movies and then they'd have some kind of tune about it. You don't get that now, do you? What about Star Trekking? Do you remember that? Star Trekking? Star Trekking across about it. You don't get that now, do you? What about Star Trekking? Do you remember that?

Star Trekking, across the universe on the Starship Enterprise on the Captain Gig. They don't have that now. There's no Avengers song, is there? Avengers they're a bunch of strangers fighting for the galaxy. I'm not asking you to

write one. I shouldn't have written a word that rhymes with galaxy, because it's a travesty. I wasn't asking you to improvise the song, Paul. I was just pointing out that there isn't one. Avengers. That's Black Beauty, I think. Does anyone else?

Avengers. Avengers. Now, and it's just... Avengers. Does anyone else? Avengers! Avengers! It seems to have, that whole idea of a song based on the movie seems to have completely disappeared. The last one I can remember is Wiki Wiki Wild Wild West. Wiki West, Jim West, Desperado, Gunslinger. No, I don't want none.

None of this six gunning, this brother running, this buffalo soldier. Yeah, that's what I told you. You need to calm down, mate. Wiki, wiki, wild, wild west. We're living in the wild, wild west. We're living in the wild, wild west. Wiki, wiki, wild, wild west. A hundred people who are queuing up outside have just pissed off.

They're fucking gone. Right, come on, we've got to finish this fucking segment. I'll give it four. Great. Right, next part of the show. No, we're doing one more song. What is the next song? Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's Blobby. It's Blobby, you fuck. No, it's not, it's Ali. Ali be good. Spoilers for episode two. Topolov. Topol what off? Topolov off.

Topolov. Topolov. Topolov? Topolov. He is a racist French guy who decided it'd be funny. Yes. Chuck Berry.

We can't do this with everyone in the audience. We have to get through this tonight. He thought it'd be funny to do a version of Johnny Be Good as if Johnny was an Arab. Yes. Very funny stuff. Called Ali. I'm not sure I want to be involved. Shall we listen to a bit of Johnny Be Good as if Johnny was an Arab. Yeah. Very funny stuff. Called Ali.

I'm not sure I want to be in hole. Shall we listen to a bit of that now? Chris, can you play Ali Be Good, please? No. You're Oriental, Al. I don't want to. That's more like it, Paul. Come on. I don't want to. That's more like it Paul. Oh sweaty Paul. I wish she weren't actually half. Right, Ali Presley you said?

Ali be good. Ali be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good.

Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good.

Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good be good. Ali be good beley. Ali be good, be good. Ali be good. Ali be good, be good. Ali be good, be good. Ali be good, be good. Ali be good.

Right, tell us about that piece of shit. That's, again, another novelty record, and I just find it interesting. Couldn't get away with that now, could you? No, not even in this room now. Well, I didn find it interesting. Couldn't get away with that now, could you? No, not even in this room now. Well, I didn't write it. Well, there's no proof you didn't. I'll be honest with you.

No one's heard of it before. You're the only one peddling it. Look at this guy. Look at this guy as well. He looks so deviant, man. He looks like he had to do a big line of brown heroin. There's a video on YouTube of him performing it on some kind of French variety show and they've dressed him up just like that line of brown heroin. There's a video on YouTube of him performing

it on some kind of French variety show and they've dressed him up just like that and he badly mimes to his

own fucking song which you think he might want to know. Well you weren't allowed to sing your own song. There's someone

on the back called Freddie Breck. What? Freddie Breck? His name's Freddie Breck. Wow.

He gives you a warm glow in the morning. Yeah he does when you listen to it. Oh I'm Freddie Breck? Wow. He gives you a warm glow in the morning. Yeah he does when you listen to it. Wow I'm Reddy Breck. Anyway.

They give him a guitar in the video to play and he's just, you know when people mime and they kind of look like they're doing something? He was like here's the guitar and his hand was over here stroking it like nowhere near and then running his hands almost down the neck and it looks like he was just trying to wank off two elephants white joe yeah right keep it count what are we up to on the wank jokes a lot there's been a lot of wank jokes so here's what we're going to do we've got those two songs we're going to see which one is the best of those two options right okay we'll do that by a standing up session so we can see visually how

people want to vote. Yeah? Well, unless they're racist scum, it's going to be the first one, isn't it? Well, it's not that racist. It's just saying, are we going to be racist then? Oh, God. Awkward.

I hadn't expected it to be the guys who look like they're racist. Well, that's how we got Brexit. Right, so... Oh! Terrific Brexit! I've lost the audience. You fucking have. You've lost some of them, you haven't.

Right, I want you to stand up if you think... If you can. ...that the first song, E.T. Comes Home, is the best song. Stand up now! People don't want to stand up. They do. Yeah, they are. See, one does, E.T. Comes Home, is the best song. Stand up now! People don't want to stand up. They do. There they are. See, one does, they all do.

I'm Spartacus. All right? Okay, now sit down. That's a fair few. Now... E.T. Comes Home is much more inclusive, isn't it? E.T., come home. We'll make a home for you.

Get a job. Yeah. Settle into the community. Now, next one. Ali, be good stand up if you're racist here we go it's not a racist song good right so the winner is because we force people to somebody was like i really like that song it's quite upbeat

all he's saying is this is an Arab who does rock and roll. And it's not me. It's not my culture. He's Arabness, though, is he? It's not racist. It's more like cultural appropriation. Well, you know who else wrote a song about Arabs? Jimmy Savile.

Really? With the Arab. I was a bit stoned with Joe a few nights ago. Oh, yeah? Do drugs? Illegal drugs? What have I got myself into? You're disgusting!

The problem is that we confuse Michael Jackson with Jimmy Savile. So we invented Jimmy Jackson. So he was like... That was it. That was about that one. That was like... So he was like... That was it. That was about that one. That was about that one. Come on. Right, so congratulations.

E.T. phone home. The best of our vinyl selection this week. Ash, you can go now. Right, no messing about. We're on to the final... Oh, not the final section. We've got two sections. We're going to get through them

as quickly as we can because we're already rushing against the time. I'm looking at the clock on the wall. Everything is go. Stop wasting time, Paul. Stop looking at the clock. Yes, you're still on.

Just remember, don't do that. Hello. Yeah. I'd just like to hear. Hear me. You're the only one. Ladies and gentlemen, please join us in our next section

which is Cheap Eats. The man who created the website, the genius, the world that is digitising. Please welcome on stage Mr Biffo, a.k.a. Paul Rose. Sex hammer. Sex hammer. It's not going to catch on. The sex hammer. The sex hammer's not working. I need a wee.

So how are you doing, Mr Biffs? I'm desperate for a wee. Really? Yeah. I'm glad to stand up. Don't you bust it. Come on. I'm trying to stretch as much as possible.

He's peed a lot today. You haven't had one wee before. You've not been keeping tabs on my urination today. You know of one wee that I've done. That's it. No, I planted on you a urine version of Fitbit called Fit Shit. How many wees have I had today? Today, seven.

Okay, Paul. What? Little problem with the name. It's a urine version of Fitbit and it's called Shit Bit. So, uh... iTunes sell books? Audio books? They're not tunes.

They're not tunes, are they? You wouldn't go, you don't sell tunes. You'd be iBooks. I would if I had them here. Well, then we'll arrange that for next time. Here's Steve Jobs, you bastard. He's dead.

You're going to dig him up? Yeah. I've got books, Steve. You know what I do after I dug him up? What? Shit in his grave. Steve Jobs. Yeah.

Steve Jobs. That's why I'm here. Take my poo, Joe. So, it is Cheap Eats time. Hey. And we have a few things to get through. So I'm going to start with the two things I was given for the show. And then we'll hunt from the audience and see what you've got.

So here's the first thing. Fish out those cheap eats for us now, Mr Gannon. What have we got here? Right, so we'll start with the lollipop. Because I think, Naomi, you got me this lollipop? It is a lollipope. A fruit flavoured lollipop. It's just a lollipop, but it's got the gurning masturbational face of the Pope on the front. Like he's chucking

his holy beans. Looks a bit like, what's his name? Oh, the one foot in the grave blow. Oh, I don't. That's what it looks like. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. It's that dude. So it's Ireland 2018. Now, why did they make a Pope? Because they were...

I'm asking Naomi, not you, you fuck. Give her the mic. No, don't. Yes, it's too late now. You're involved. We're coming out to you. I'm coming over here. It's to commemorate the Pope visiting Ireland.

Somewhat successfully. You nearly said cremate or something, I think. They did not cremate the Pope yet. Have we all got to lick that? No, only one of us. Do you know what?

I just like the fact that it's called the lollipop. Well, it's not called, it's called cheapy. It's not cheap pun-based bullshit.

Did you pay for that through PayPal? Hey! Yeah. Give it a Catholic. Hey! I won't charge you for it. I'll keep it on the mitre.

Hey! Catholics for kids. Yay! Well, we're doing it. Right, I'm opening it. I'll let him lick it. Eli, you're in charge of licking the Pope. I get to taste this, do I? What flavour is the Pope?

It's got no half. No, really, it's like the smell of nothing. Is it hard? No, don't. I'm getting my misophonias playing up. Quite chewy. I think it's lemon and vanilla flavoured. Lemon and?

Vanilla. I thought you said vinegar. I was like, what the fuck's lemon and vinegar flavoured? They missed the trick. It should have been communion wafer. Yeah. Flavour. Or red wine, like the blood of Christ.

I'm going to have a nibble on the opposite side. It's not as bad as it could be, is it? It's got a kind of sherbetiness. Oh, well, I now want a nibble on the tip. No, it's too hard there. It's got a softness to it. It's got a softness to it. Does anyone else want to lick my Pope stick?

You're right, there you go. Right, what's the next? We need a score for you, from you. You can keep that. Mr Biffo? Um, it's a generic sugary kind of thing. Out of five? Out of five? I'm not spitting now. You spit in my Pope stick.

Out of five, I would give that two and a half. I didn't ask you, I'm going to him first. Yeah, what's the... My show! You asked me first. He does need to calm down, doesn't he? Honestly. Wow. You're going to have eruption.

It's alright, because the second show is going to be, I won't, it's a cheap show. I would give it two and a half out of five. Two and a half, and from you Paul, two and a half. I would say three. I quite liked it. You know what was surprising about the flavour of that? It had a little sparkly sherbetiness. Which I wasn't

expecting. I wasn't expecting that. A little fizz. Do you know what I'm saying? It has a little fizz to it, doesn't it? What would you rate it? Three. Three. Now what's next on the cheap eat? Now Stuart I believe, do you want to pass this to Stuart

so he can get involved in this? I believe Stuart you had a hand in getting these to me today. Yes. They are called musk sticks. Oh god. So I'm wondering if they taste of mad entrepreneur Elon Musk. That mad

stupid fucking bastard. It suggests to me that maybe they've been dipped in a deer when it's on heat or something. I ain't going. No, that's a good point. I should check what it is. Fucking hell. I just did a metaphorical shit in Steve Jobs' grave.

But no. I didn't pick a fucking stick in a fucking deer. No. That's too much, is it? Fuck me. These are made in Australia from at least 96 Australian ingredients. Including fucking deer spank.

Yeah, of course. We love deer spank. Says try it. You'll love it. All your money back. All right, let's give it a go. This is going to be... Allergy advice contains everything you're allergic to, apparently.

Has it got fish in it? Has it got your fake made-up allergy of fish because you're allergic to, apparently. Has it got fish in it? Has it got your fake, made-up allergy of fish because you're scared of vagina? You've seen the outcome. Hang on, no. I poured prawn juice in your mouth by accident. And what happened? What happened was him laying on the floor going,

oh, I've got an allergy. Right? And then nothing. Fuck all. I faced nothing. Nothing happened. Ooh, it's a physiological manifestation of my fear. My fear of vagina.

What happened? Has he got a bit of attention for five minutes? Did you say... Did you say vagina? That's how I like to refer to it now. Why? It just rolls off the tongue. Vagina.

Vagina and musk stick. Right, get the musk stick over here. All right. Oh, it's very musty. Stuart, have you got any other details about this? It was given to me by an Australian man who said, Can you get this to Paul Gannon? And then he collapsed into dust.

God. Actually, my wife's Australian. Have you heard of musk sticks? She has. She knows about musk sticks. Can I try a musk stick, please? Never thought I'd say that. They taste like I'm eating

my nan's soap dish. Yeah. I'm saying the Huff Alert has got a real Parma Violet on it. But I like Parma Violet, but this is very much like I'm eating

Imperial Leather. It looks like Play-Doh out of the Mop Top Hair Shop or something. Oh. I've got two. Conjoined muscles. Eli.

Eli. Dick and balls. Eli. Eli. Eli. Eli. Dick and balls. Eli. Yeah, I got it. Dick and balls. Yeah, I got it, Paul. Eli. Yeah, I and balls. Eli. Eli. Eli. Eli, dick and balls. Eli.

Yeah, I got it. Dick and balls. Yeah, I got it, Paul. Eli. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I got it. My dick dropped off the monkey's face. They're basically foam shrimps, aren't they?

No. Yeah, maybe in texture, but it's like someone's taken nasty cheap icing and put some soap in it. Anyone want to try one? Pass out the musk sticks. Alright, I'm going to pass out the musk sticks. Right, ready?

If it lands on the floor, you have 30 seconds before you need to eat it. Oh, I just hit someone right in the face. I'm sorry. You dropped one. I'm going over there. No. Good God, I'm going over there. Good God, I'm just throwing pink things. You could have broken them in half and then everyone could have had one.

Right, quick bite. Put your hand up if you think they're nice. No one. Put your hand up if you think they're revolting shit one. Put your hand up if you think they're revolting shit. One hand. One nice over there. One nice revolting shit. Stuart's eating his wrong.

I think I'm the only one who's eating it right. Snob sticks. You don't put it in your nose. Right, so. See you. Coming. Yeah. Right, no, she's going for a piss.

All right, good. Can I come? Only because I want to... No, only because I want to go myself. Calm down, everybody. We've only got one and a half sections to go. No, we've got one more. Is there no more cheap eats?

No, we've got... What have you got? I've got... Yeah, I've got some as well. Have you got some... Can I do the Fonzies now? Yeah, all right, quickly. Hang on.

Look at that sweat mark on your back. It's like a Rorschach test of misery. Right, has anyone ever seen these? Fonzies? No. Yeah? Oh, look, Australian again then. No, these, I believe, are South American.

And these are? Italian. Are they Italian? You fucking idiot. Now, what am I... Now, just if anyone could guess what I'm doing an impression of here. Is it the Fonz?

Jumping the Shark, yeah. Fonzies. There's one thing I think is hilarious. It's Happy Days jokes. No, because Jumping the Shark has a wider cultural meaning now. That's the whole fucking point. Eat the crisps, you fucking bellend. I hope I really like these so I can say,

I give them A. Yes, the Fonzie joke landed hard. Shut up. Happy Days. Happy Days. Now, these are what I would call an original knick-knack, basically in formation, but with a more subtle cheese flavour. Have a go, Paul. I like these a lot, I have to say.

They are a very knobbly knick-knack type snack. They remind me a little bit of... They're Cheeto Crunchies. Also, that's what they're like. They're a bit like what they'd expect to find in your snot jar. My not real snot jar. Eli. Oh, snot jar, you're my best friend. You'll never leave me.

I'll make you into a little lady. I don't like them. I like those. Fonzie. A Fonzie for you. Anyone else? They're bloody lovely, they are. Who would like a Fonzie for you Anyone else? Go on They're bloody lovely they are Who would like a Fonzie?

I've still got this damn bloody lollipop Or have you a fucking lollipop then? You bunch of bastards You bastard Now, what did you think of the Fonzies, Paul? I thought they were awful shit. Really? Yeah.

What's wrong with them? I just didn't like the cheese, didn't like the texture. Why? Are you just doing that because you're just trying to get them to like you? No, I just didn't like them all that much. I wouldn't get them. I wouldn't buy them. I wouldn't enjoy them.

I don't see why. It's a personal attack on me. Me telling you Fonzies aren't my cup of tea is a personal attack on you. How does that work? Because you, you try and denigrate everything I like. Oh, fuck off! Thanks everyone, that was good. Oh, fuck off!

Horrible man. You're just going to dig a hole and I'll wank into it. Whilst you're in there. Okay, so, we want a score from you then, all seriousness. I would give that a two. And from you, Mr Buffer? I have eaten Fonzie's before,

apparently, as I've just been informed. I had... I don't know. Fuck it. Three. Okay. Does anyone else have any comments about Fonzie's? Positive ones, please.

He says that... Seafood. They're non-fritty. They're non-fried. If you're watching your fried intake... What? If you're watching your fried food. What? If you're watching your fried food intake. They're good for that.

Right. Okay. I'd give them four. I like them. I don't care. I've lost interest in your fonzies. So, we haven't got much time, so we need to get one more food item. So we'll try and get it from the audience. Who's got something? Oh. Oh, we lie.

Oh, God. Oh. Alright, I know if you've brought food forward, it's all fucking hell. We'll collect it at the end and we'll use it in another show or future episode. Oh, I'm getting a half already, mate. Oh.

Get the... Oh. Oh, half. Stand back on the front row, you might get wet. That is the smell, Paul, that I always go on about. That is the smell of those fake... Gherkin scratchers and if knickers. Yeah. Snick knickers.

Hey, oh! Wow. How'd that go, ladies and gentlemen? A little slip of the tongue there, sorry. A little slip of the tongue in your gherkin knickers? Yes! I buy... Pickle gossip. ...dirty knickers from Japan.

And I say, make sure the little Japanese lady has been eating nothing but dill pickles. And I pay through the nose. Right? You got it out of me. I lick dirty gherkin knickers. Have some. Let's try some and then fucking get on with this show. We have a finale. Oh yes, give us your flavouring texture They're nice They're a bit more vinegary than I would have expected Come on Paul, they're nice Does it have amplitudes?

The amplitude isn't as good as I would have thought, actually. What flavour is it? It's got a dill pickle flavour. Dill pickle. What the fuck do you mean? Look on the stage when you know. Dill pickle. I don't like it.

My trouble with those is that they are the gherkin flavour, which I like. It's overpowered by the vinegriness, isn't it? That and the fact they're Pringles, which I don't like the texture of Pringles. They're like cardboard. You've got a textural problem. Yeah, the amplitude

isn't high because it's poking out. The vinegar's poking out a bit too much for me now. What would you rate it out of five then? I'd go three and a half.

Three and a half out of five. They smell epic. They smell like Madonna. You have your own podcast on the front row? Fucking hell. I'm not fucking sure. They smell epic. They smell like my dog. You have your own podcast on the front row? Fucking hell. I've got a fucking show.

They've got a great smell. The flavour is a bit of a letdown from that because of the greenness I'd say. Anyway, whilst we're mentioning this, I found these the other day.

I know these aren't the cheapest of crisps. These are Piper's Delicious Jalapeno and Dill Crisps. Similar sort of flavour profile. These are the absolute bomb shit.

Great. We're not getting out of this. They are the absolute bomb shit. Right. What did you rate them again? I didn't. What did you rate them out of five? Yeah, two.

Two, I give it two. Well, you're both insane. They're three and a half if they're born. So, is that the end of that? That's the end of that section. But if you brought food for us, we'll collect it at the end and we'll use it in future episodes. So, thank're both insane. They're three and a half if they're born. So, is that the end of that? That's the end of that section, but if you've got food for us, we'll collect it at the end and we'll use it in future episodes. So thank you very much. BFO, go sit down, mate.

A round of applause for Paul. Now, we have time for one more quick section. And tonight we're going to end by playing... Don't Get Mad. Thanks for ruining my big intro, you fucking cunt. You fucking wretched half-breed bellend. Don't Get Mad. You piss-drinking, cum-gargling fuckhammer.

Stop. You rancid twat. Oh, stop. You sniffy piss cum-dick, cum-bastard motherfucking cock-gargling bull-murmuring silverman sucker.

Don't get mad. He did a joke calm down mate so don't get mad unless you've never heard the podcast before it's a simple little morality game

where Eli will be doing his best to calm his temper in increasingly more stressful situations Paul but it's just weird how the

it seems to have been reversed today, hasn't it? Perhaps you should be the one. No. They've come to see you, mate, let's be honest. I'll do it. So here's what we're going to do. Ash, Ashens and Biffo will be coming on one at a time

to play a little scenario out that you will choose and Eli will play the person who tries not to get mad and they'll try and wind him up all right so who wants to be brave Ash will get you on first for the first one stand on stage right I'm gonna point at you give me a one-digit number ready you one and you And you? So that's 16. What? Right. Here is... Seven. No, one and six.

Seven. No, 16. It's a two-digit number. 61. How are we doing for time? Honestly, Paul, really? You're going to blow a gasket, mate. We were meant to be finished 15 minutes ago.

I think you're finished, mate. Right, here is scenario 16. Janet was playing with a basketball when another student took it away from her. Janet felt like punching the student in the face. What should Janet do? So, Eli. I'm Janet.

You're going to be Janet, and you're going to be the naughty student who stole Janet's ball, all right? So, here I'm Janet. You're going to be Janet and you're going to be the naughty student who stole Janet's ball, alright? So here's the scene. Are you ready? You'll begin. Set the scene. Eli's bouncing his ball. I'm Janet. Alright, Janet.

Hello. Is that your ball? Yeah. Troubling shit. Have you had a troubling shit? No, no, the bowels have been great. The ball looks good. What the fuck are you doing with this hand?

Are you going to nick the ball or what? You're going to nick it? I wouldn't do that to you. I've got it, I've got it in there! And you were at least expecting it. And now you can't have it back. I said you can't have it back. Oh, can I have it back, please? I said you can't have it back. No, I can finish it, it's mine. But I want the ball because I like valves.

Yeah, but... Yeah, but I... I won't hold it. I won't have anything to play with. You can hold it there. No. You can't have it. It's up there now, look.

Well, it's a good thing. It's not a good thing, it's a bad thing. No, no, no, no, you've interrupted me. Oh, we'll do that. It's a good thing. It's not a good thing, it's a bad thing. No, no, no, you've interrupted me. Oh, well we'll do that. It's a good thing I shat on that. All over it! It was a real wet one, I rubbed it in. So have it, have my ball.

Lick my shitty ball! Go on! It's killing some birds it's so smelly! If you lower it, it'll kill the ants! It's a death ball! It's like the bloody Death Globe of Venus! I don't know if I want to give it back to you, I'll be honest with you. I was thinking Death Star, I couldn't think of Death Star. It is like the Death Ball of Venus!

It will be quite operational by the time you're done. That's no moon, that's the death globe of heinous. Well, I'm afraid I enjoy your shitty shitness. Okay, good. Because I've got loads of balls. Right, well that's the end of that scene. Congratulations, Ash. Sit down.

Thank you. Next to play our game is Mr Stuart Ashen. Please come up on stage and debase yourself for our entertainment. Everyone, applause. Right, if I point at you, give me a one digit number. Josh? Five. Five. You? Two. Two. Fifty-two. Here we go. It's not bingo, Ash!

Fifty-two, was it, yeah? Legs eleven. Fifty-two. Okay. Arnold's friend, Ed, refused to share his candy with Arnold. Arnold felt like going home. But what do you think Arnold should do? So you're going to be Arnold, Eli, and you're going to be the friend, Ed Stewart,

who refuses to share his candy with Eli. Okay? Remember, Eli, no matter what happens, don't get mad. Begin the scene. Um. Oh. I was looking for the musk sticks for a prop. Hang on.

Close enough. What can I have for you? What do you want? I'd like one of those. Fuck off. You mean I'm none? You're too fat already. Oh, God. They even do it when you're in character, don't they?

Well, I'm not... You can have none. I'm not concerned about my weight. I would just like one of your sweets, please. You can't have any. Eat your own sweets. I don't have... But I don't have any. Listen, you're so I don't have, but I don't have any. Listen to yourself,

poor. Oh God, I've set him off again. I don't know what sweets you would eat like this by shoving them up your nose and making a noise. No, I don't know.

It's freaking me out. You look weirdo. Secretly, he has no sweets either. He just doesn't want you to know. Oh, I'm Arnold. Oh, I'm Arnold. I was really hoping you'd do a Schwarzenegger voice.

Can I have some of your sweets? No, that's gone beyond Schwarzen and they get to have a dying gorilla. Could I have, though, in all seriousness, could I have a sweet, please? No. You're in un-none. You should have brought your own. Okay, I think I could go home. But I really do want a sweet, you know?

You know what I could do? Totally diarrhea everywhere! And then you won't enjoy the sweets, and no-one will enjoy this room ever again. They'll have to tear it down! I don't care. I'm squirting! I've got no sense of smell.

That's why I'm having to shove these up my nose to try and get some semblance of taste. I'm doing a total poo-cano! I don't care, my mum will clean it up. Fuck you! I'm going to grow poo-cano! You don't care? My mum will clean it up. Eme-me-me-me-me-me-me-me. Eme-me-me-me-me-me-me-me. Fuck you! I grew up to be a traffic warden. Eme-me-me-me-me-me-me. Unseen, thank you! And for our final scene today, it is Mr Paul Rose.

Please join us and grab a microphone. Here we go. You, sir, at the back, give us a number. Two. Two. And you, sir, at the very back, give us a number. Five. Five.

Don't listen to him. Shut up, Ash! Make your own choice. What number? Five. Five. Twenty-five. Oh.

Twenty-five. Here we 25. Oh. 25. Here we go. Oh. Yeah? Here we go. So, 25. Brett was very thirsty, but there was a long line for the drinking fountain. Fountain.

Fuck off. Brett felt like going to the front of the queue and cutting. But what should Brett do? So, Eli, you're going to be Brett. And Paul, you're going to be in front of Eli in the queue. Cutting in. Cutting in. So that's the scene, all right?

So he's cutting in. Yeah, so don't get mad, all right? Because he's going to try and stop you and tell you off, all right? What are we queuing for? Water! Water fountain! Because you're thirsty. Those noises are very annoying that you're making a good man.

And I read an article saying very intelligent people are more disgusted by the noises from people's mouths. So I'm above this. You see this? This is Oprah. I'm opening up the water fountain here.

See, this is the canister there. I shat in that. You're drinking my slurry. You're sucking my slurry up like a hungry slurry monster. I'm a deviant. Good. Well, I can't push it. He's already at the front of the queue, Paul.

Do some direction on him. I like what he's doing. Stir water fountains for non-racists only. I shat in it. I shattered it. Right, scene. So you know when they do This Is Your Life, they give the book at the end to say this is your show and everything.

God, that penis picture's just popped back into my head. No, I'm not. God, that penis picture has just popped back into my head. No, I've got one. I've got penis. Well, you know they usually give the book out at the end? Yes. I thought that would be too big for you, so I got a little one instead for you. Little This Is Your Life book. I quite like that. Yeah? Oh, I need one.

That's my little Mikasa to you. Did you get me anything? Yeah, you can have those dill crisps. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, this has been episode 100 of Cheap Show! Thank you very much. I want to thank everyone for coming tonight. Our guests, Stuart, Ash, Paul, everyone who came along today, thank you very much.

And yeah, keep supporting the show. Thank you, Eli Silverman. And Paul Gannon, everybody. And thanks to Izzy and Chris the Back Worker, their magic. Thank you, them. Joseph, thank you very much. And everyone, fuck off. Yay!

Goodnight! ¡Gracias!