CheapShow - Ep 101: The "Other" Live One

Episode Date: November 9, 2018

...It wasn't over! Episode 100 was only part one of the epic CheapShow live experience, prepare thyself for episode 101. It's bigger, shabbier and definitely louder with Eli & Paul playing a bit of Blind Date, Mr Biffo bringing an all new horrific surprise for Paul, Ashens feeling bitterly disappointed with Squid Jerky and Ash... Well, let's just say "Poor Ash" and be done with it. Finally, Paul finally gives in to his destiny and becomes the villain everyone thought he already was! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos and the full live show on YouTube can be found at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid With @ashfrith @ashens @mrbiffo If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello, good evening. I'm Eli Silverman. I'm outside the Bill Murray pub in London's Islington district and there's a lot of classy dressers, high steppers, major big time hustlers round here and here is Paul here to witness the live show, the opening of the live show with me, Paul Gannon. Here he is. How are you doing today, Paul? I'm doing well. Thank you for joining me on this. No, I'm joining. You're joining me.

No, you're joining me for this. I've just started the thing. You're joining me. Let's not quibble. But I'm right. Thanks for joining me at this very special 101th edition of Chief Show. It's the second live show that took place in the evening. 101. The 101th

show. That is not proper speak. We're here anyway. It's the 101st. Yeah? Did you not think of that? The Bill Murray pub. We're just outside the Bill Murray pub. I told them that. Why are you repeating? First off,

you're joining me. Yeah, I'm not joining you. I've told them where we are. repeating first off you're joining me yeah I'm not joining you I've told them where we are we're outside the Bill Murray pub everyone look people are arriving now just do a fucking job of commentating it

commentating 101th you absolute knob we're here now and the second show is about to start Biffo is swerving in and out

of the crowd he looks very drunk and angry he looks extremely angry. He was caught shouting at people earlier today between shows, saying the F word and the C word to old ladies. And he seems to have all that sort of nasty

white dried spittle at the sides of his mouth. Yes, he looks very volatile. Maybe we shouldn't allow him in, but nope, he's pushed his way through. He's pushed his way through. He's gone. Nothing we can do now. He seems to have chomped down on a lady's shoulder.

Oh dear, he looks very feral. So, he's in this room now. Oh, and look, it's Stuart Ashen. He has returned for the second show. He's had an argument with Paul and Eli in the interval, saying he was demeaned and he didn't want to come back. But you had words with him, I believe. I told him, you know, where my bread was buttered.

Yeah, and what did he say? He said, that's very interesting, Eli. Did you threaten him? No, I just said, listen, I'll tell you where my bread is buttered, Stuart. It's buttered in the pantry. I go in there and I leave it there overnight to soften up outside the fridge. And then I butter it. That's what side of the bread, and it's just the normal side.

And how did that convince him to come back into the second show? He said, Eli, you've convinced me with that story about where you buy your bread to come back into the second show. And then I gave him a hand shandy. I think the hand shandy was the thing that killed him. It sealed the deal. So your diplomacy skills are really, really good. And here he comes. He's striding along.

Look at him. Cock of the walk. He thinks striding along. Look at him. Cock of the walk. He thinks he's Mr. Big Balls. He's flicking his hair in a little queer gesture. Queer meaning unusual or strange in this context. Well, speak for yourself. No, I'm speaking for the podcast. Okay, good.

Right. What else? Who is it? It's Ashen's. No, we've introduced him. Oh, behind Ashen's, lumbering along. I can see it's our one-time fair weather, when he feels like it, can't be bothered most of the time host. Has his own podcast now.

Has his own podcast, I ask you. I ask you. Fucking Ash Frith. Ash Frith. Fuck him. Fuck him. Look at him. Get in.

Waddling. Get in. Waddling along, pushing people aside. Fuck off. Do you remember when he made us eat that thing that he said was his favourite thing? It wasn't his favourite thing. It was a fucking demonic concoction of crisps and

fucking peanut butter and cheese. Anyway, he's in the show. Oh, and now the audience are settling down for the second show. Look at them. They're are settling down for the second show. They're all lovely. They're all shiny. They look all sleek and curvy

and sexy and shiny. They smell wonderful. I don't know. Listen, Paul, I don't know if I can express the waft. The fresh. The freshness.

The soapy fucking freshness. Soapy fresh warmth. Oh, like a big warm cloud of loveliness. It's enveloping us here. And we can feel it in the venue. I can feel it prickling my eardrums. Yes, it's very exciting times.

So they're ready. Why don't we head into the venue now? You come under my coat. You just get under my coat. Do I have to come under your coat? You have to get under my coat. And then come. No, you don't have to come yet.

But you will. I mean, you won't be able to help yourself. You won't be able to help yourself to the goodies on offer down there. But, and we'll sneak in. You don't want to be recognised. I'll don this mask. You get under my jacket and we'll just shuffle in. Yes, I know.

Jacket off. Yes, yes, you will jacket off whilst you're down there. I'm pun stopper. Stop this. He's not pun stopper. He's called joke stopper Gag stopper Either way Stop it

Alright Get your name right mate So Let's sneak into the venue now Okay The lights have gone down The music has just come into a quiet Let's get in there now

And let's get ready for 101th To rumble Cheese Cheese show Fuck Cheap show 101st

Here we go god that first episode was crap awful awful awful audience you were bad you were it was awful

you were bad Biffo said that anti-seemitic stuff. Well, let's just forget about that. Ash was racist again. Let's just forget about that. I'm not doing a second show, mate. This is bullshit.

You're not doing a second show. No, I'm knackered. That first show was awful. I'm not in. I'm not involved. Good. You've done a fake walkout before we've even started the show. Yeah, listen, hang on.

I'm leaving! Well, Paul, if you're doing that, I'd just like to say I've shat myself. All right. I've shat in the bed. All right, you've sh just like to say I've shat myself all right in the bed all right shut the bed I've shut the bed and I've got a frothy cock you've got a slob on let's just get this get this over with because once this shows done I'm gonna go for a big fucking wank you're a big fuck you can't believe it fuck you I'm gonna go for a big fucking wank. And the ship goes alley, alley-o. Eli, Eli, oh. Old MacDonald and a farm.

Eli, Eli, oh. Fuck off. Do the intro. Ladies and gentlemen, hello. It's Chief Shahan. Come on, it's a live show. You've put me off. Do it.

You've regressed me to childhood. Do it. Hello, this is Eli Eli O. And welcome to Cheap Show. It's our 100th episode and we are glad to see the live audience in there. You're out there. Ooh, smell my niffy winky. It's Paul, Gannon, everybody.

Welcome to Cheap Show Live. Oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof. Pop it. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Che show, you're going to have to fuck with me for a second. Noodle time. How's the dance, boys? How's the pick up?

The price is tight. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it.

I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. How's the pick up? A price of shite?

I'm going to go and say hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to the show. I'm not going, I know it's all good. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going, I know it's all... Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show! Hello! Do you need your inhaler? Yeah, it's in my bag.

No, it's over there, you can't have it. It's not, it's up there now. Hang on, I'll go get it. No, don't go get it. Paul, it's over there. It's not. It's up there now. Hang on. Go get it. No, don't go get it. Paul, don't go get it. It's the second show. Yay! Now, what did you miss in the first show? There's a lot of stuff about wanking.

A lot of wanking stuff. There was... A lot of crisps. There was no crisps. There was. What the fuck? And. There was no crisps. There was! What the fuck, Steve? And no one mentioned the elephant in the room. No, that's a flask.

It's a sex flask. Why is that a sex flask? No, you know what? I don't fucking want to know why that's a sex flask. Because I whacked into it! Just get that out of the way. It smells of curry now. Do you want to...

Do you want in? Do you want me to show what this is? No. It's not... It isn't what it is. I'll show them. I'll show them, yeah. I have got the evidence.

Why? Why? Is it yours? It's not my winky. It's not my winky. Well, it's meant to be, but anyway. It looks alright. It looks fine.

It looks a bit like a weird carrot. It's got weird striations. Oh, God. It's got weird striations on it. I'll close it then. I'll close it. There close it there you go right for those listening at home

it's a picture of Eli's penis okay now before we go anywhere we've got noodle business we have noodle business you can shut your mouth yeah

yeah there's a noodle exchange there's a whole there's a whole culture of us Paul who you can't oppress anymore, yeah? Right, my friend Mark writes the Noodle... Why are you dressed like a bin man?

It's a sex flask and you can shut your mouth! I've had enough, honestly, just catch your breath, yeah? Mr Weezer. Mr Weezer I look just like Buddy Holly Fuck you I did a shitty pun How's about that Then you hairy little hobbit

You fuck off you cunt Don't applaud that That's not me trying Sorry I spat on you That's extra love. Sorry, Noodle Exchange, I'm out, I'm out, it's all yours. Just stand there and witness culture, yeah?

Okay? Right, Mark, my good friend Mark, he writes the Noodle reviews that go on our Reddit page. Can you stand up please, Mark? He's a proper connoisseur. He's given me this, which is unbelievably a five sachet bomb.

Open it. Eat it raw. Do not tell. Look at that. Three in one sachet there. You've got the dry one, and then you've got the vegetables. It's all in there. It's a fucking magnificent.

Now, you have set up an exchange of rare noodles at this very venue at this very time. Is that right? That's true, yeah. Now, who is he called? King Smackerman 5 or something, this guy? What the fuck's going on right now? We've got a noodle to exchange.

Sam the King 25. Sorry? Sam the King 25. Sam the King 25. I've just got to find it. Hold on. Okay. Oh, for fuck's sake.

We're exchanging a noodle. And half the guy isn't here to exchange. No, he's there. He can find his noodle. Yes, that's Sam King 25. Hello, I've got a noodle. Great. You come up. Come up, you King, 25. Hello, I bought noodles. Great. You come up.

Come up, you two, please. This is a noodle exchange and it's the first... It's history you're making here. I've got your noodle, Mark. I've got your noodle. This is both the most confusing and depressing thing

I've been a part of in a while. Now, this is one... Hello, nice in a while. Now, this is one... Hello. Nice to meet you. Now, this is one that you've wanted to get hold of for a long time. Well, quite soon. Yeah, and why are you interested in it? Well, I mean, look at it.

It's a beauty. It's an absolute beauty. It's a veggie ramyeon. Yeah, it's a gourmet mild. It's a mild one. That's your oeuvre, isn't it? He goes for the mild ones. And have you tried this noodle yourself?

I have, yes. I have this noodle. And Mark's out of ten for that? We're looking at least a four. All right, not great. I don't think I want to go through this. Out of five. Okay, four out of five.

Now, have you got another noodle you want to mention? Well, let's firstly swap this over. Do the swap. Yeah, mate, no, fucking take your time, whatever. Jesus. Can I just take your microphone, Paul? Is that all right? Yeah, no, what?

Noodle posse! Noodle posse! Noodle posse! Noodle posse! noodle posse, noodle posse, noodle posse, yes. So, um... Not my penis, not my penis, not my penis. Curiously... Curiously like a noodle.

It's got weird striations I don't even want to go into. So I've got this, and this is good. I've also bought a spare noodle. Has anyone else bought a noodle with them in the... Just on the off chance that this might happen? You've got yours. I'll tell you what. Because you've been such a good sport,

I'm throwing this in. One of my favourites and a classic. It is the tonkotsu. This is tonkotsu. Black garlic. That's for you. Now this one here, Sam's not interested in. Well, this is quite... Because it's for you. Now this one here, Sam's not interested in.

Because it's too spicy. This is my favourite noodle. So if anyone wants to try, this is the hallowed mania noodle. It's got literally the word mania. This is a bad boy. Can I flick it to him? Alright. You ready?

I'm going to flick it over to you. Can I see your hands? Oh, that wasn't very good. Sorry. Okay, thanks. Let's have a round of applause for the Noodle Shack. Eli, come here a minute. What?

Just have a little quick word. Come here. You fucking do any shit like that again on this fucking show, mate. Yeah. And I'll fucking rip your prick off with my teeth. Oh. And then feed you it back like a bird in a nest.

There they go. Fucking, I mean it. All right. This noodle shit stops. Stop it. Yeah? Don't scare me, Nina. All right.

All right, let go. Sorry you had to get involved in that. Bit of admin. Don't put... Stop! Boring, Eli! Eli! What?

Can you throw that back, please? Thank you. What? Can you throw that back, please? Thank you. Right, Paul, you've lost them. What have we got coming up on the show? What have we got? It's the Economy Comedy Podcast for your ears and we're here to delve

into the bargain bins, the charity shops, the pound lands of Great Britain and deliver you entertainment of the things that we find. And as we like to begin our live shows, we used to,

and we still will for this purpose, introduce each other in the way we seem appropriate. So, Eli, don't fucking question that sentence. I know it was a bit wobbly.

I know it was a little bit... I said nothing. So, Eli, don't fucking question that sentence. I know it was a bit wobbly. I know it was a little bit... I said nothing. So, Eli, introduce me. Paul Gannon. The man, he has an air of a substitute English teacher who thinks he's the cool... Your time's wasted. Huh?

Your time's wasted. Yes, like that, exactly. Mate, this is not a get-involved kind of show, mate. Thanks, Paul. I know we're all having a bit of a laugh here right now, but seriously. He's got the air. Yes, thank you.

He's got the air. A substitute English teacher thinks he's the cool one because he plays the jam. Or something. You know, he brings the jam in on CD and ends up, you know, eloping with, like, a 16-year-old student. Then ends up having to marry her, but then he's in, like, this really loveless, naggy relationship with her

for years and years and years. Paul Gannon! Yeah! for years and years and years. Paul Gannon! Now, Eli, I'd like to introduce you in a way I think is appropriate, but I know you thought you were here tonight to do Cheap Show Live, but instead we're doing something a little bit different. Something that will find a little bit more about you

via you. Hit it! What's going on? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Blind Date. Very, very drunk. The microphone or you? Don't know anymore. We're going to play Blind Date. It's a blind date. Don't you do any talking.

Don't. Blind Drunk Date. Blind Drunk Date. We're going to play Blind Drunk Date and we have our guest, our love match we're going to find today. One of these lucky,

beautiful men on the front row will be going home tonight with Ash Frith for a night of frothy fun. But let's find out a little bit more about you. So what's your name, sweetheart? Where'd you come from? My name's Ash.

Cheer up, fucking hell. Hello. My name is Ash. I'm 21. Stone. Stone. Oh, hell, mate. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Oh. Oh. I deal, like, with cunts like you for a living. I should be sitting down there. Wow. Wow.

So anyway, sweetheart, what do you do? Sweetheart. I'm blind date woman. Cilla black. Cilla black hearted. Yeah. I'm just going to break character very quickly. None of this has been planned in

of what you told us was going to happen tonight. Literally none of it. This is Cheap Show. What the fuck are you expecting? No. Not to be fuck-shamed. You're 21. You should be, though.

So, come on. I've lost them. I've lost them. I've lost them. What's wrong with him? I've lost them. It's going so well. What's actually happened? It's because Eli's not here and I have no one to vent at.

Wait, I was applauding. Right, what do you do? Eat, mostly. Yeah. Right. What do you do? Eat, mostly. Right, good. Right. Stuff my big fat gob.

Because I'm so unhappy. Right. Thank you. Can I drink? There you go. Right. So we've met our love hunter. Let's find the prey.

So here we go. Contestant number one, what's your name and where'd you come from, love? My name's... Is this on? Yes! He sounds like a catch. This isn't how...

I'm with Ash here. This is not how we told this was going to... You put me on the spot. I've got to come up with a funny name. Right, my name's Bobby Fuck. And I'm the chairman of McVitie's. How do you like that?

Great. Yeah, great. Pass it along. Contestant number two, what's your name and where'd you come from? I'm Jack the Hat McVitie. And I'm the chairman of Fuck. Finally, contestant number three, what's your name and where'd you come from? Eli Silverman. And I'm from London.

Round of applause for our lovely ladies So, as you'd imagine, we have questions for our lovely ladies to answer So, would you like to start with your first question to the team, to the ladies Okay, no point staying out the way, it's blind date

I'm not going to be at CM, am I? I've got it Don't worry I've sorted out Turn it around For the love of God Not my penis Hashtag Right okay

Question number one Blind End Peek Blind No it's a gag Bill-i-ind Date Bill-y-ind date. Bill-y-ind date.

Shouldn't have done that. Right, go on. Question one. Okay. If you had to describe your penis as one small thing on top of a much bigger thing, how would you? Contestant number one. How would you describe your penis as a small thing atop a big thing?

It's like a little bowl of hat atop King Kong. Oh, hairy. Contestant number two. It's like an orange tic-tac on top of a slightly bigger white tic-tac. Take it. And contestant number three. It's like a crow's beak on top of a fluorescent train in cricket ball. Interesting first questions.

Interesting. How are you feeling so far? Well, I like crows. Yeah? I don't like cricket. No? How about on Tic Tacs? What's your opinion on Tic Tacs? Tasty.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very tacs tasty yeah very very tasty or just very tasty I don't know if I'd have an orange and a minty one at the same time that's avant garde right

question number two I can't remember what Paul said so bowl hat King Kong yeah sexy

yeah big and hairy I know this is working now contestant number question number two fuck off I know this is working now. Contestant number... Question number two. Fuck off. It's been a very long drinking session. Here we go.

Question two. That's racist, Bob. I'm not reading that out. Well, then read that one then. Arab? No, no, no. Ignore that bit as well. Palestine is...

What is this? No, no, no. Ignore the D word, N word, C word. You'll be fine. Okay. Nelson Mandela. No, not that one! That one.

Okay, okay, okay. You're a DJ. Can I come up to you to request Magic Mike? How do you react? Question contestant number one. You go up to a DJ to request Magic Mike. Yeah, they heard the fucking question. And you fucked it, Paul.

You're the DJ. He's the DJ, you idiot. You're the DJ and he comes up to you and requests Magic Mike. What do you say? I'm completely thrown because I've just seen that on my microphone it says, in loving memory of Angus Lee. What the fuck's that about? It's the Angus Lee Memorial Microphone.

I'm sure it was a touching gesture. Okay, you're not a bitch? No, I'll get him a microphone that's going to be used in some cheap, tat, podcast, live celebration thing. I've had a fucking enough of you already. It is actually. Really genuinely had enough of you.

It really is actually a tragic story. Yeah, so go on. How do you react? What's the question? You're DJing. He comes up to you and goes, can I have Magic Mike? What do you say? And I'm trying to get in his pants, yeah?

Yeah. Do you know what I'd say? I'd say you could have Magic Mike. What do you say? And I'm trying to get in his pants, yeah? Yeah. Do you know what I'd say? I'd say you could have Magic Mike XL. Oh! Sexy. Very sexy if you like that kind of thing. Contestant number two. You're DJing. Someone asked for Magic Mike. What do you say? I'm just horrified. I didn't know

Angus Lee had died. He was my dad. Deeply troubling fucking content. The worst thing is they haven't even stuck the bloody thing on properly. Look. It's on the wonk. They didn't care for him. This episode is being dedicated to that guy, so respect. Shit, his name is Linus Lee.

We've been getting it wrong. No, no, it's actually Anus Lee, if I'm getting it wrong. No, no, it's actually Anus Lee. Oh, him I did know. The problem is, I knew him. Did you? Yeah, it's really awkward now, this whole segment. So it actually is in memorial of somebody, somebody just hasn't done it for a laugh. No.

Don't they know it's a comedy club? This is blind date. It's really not. Just fucking answer the fucking question. How are you doing over here? You all right? Yeah, we're all good. Please answer the question.

Some of us having fun so far. Fucking don't speak to them. I had to check they were still there mate Question two, how do you react? Right, Magic Mike, Channing Tatum's in it Channing sounds like a verb, he can Chan my Tatum any time And finally, Eli

he comes up to you, asks for Magic Mike you're DJing, what do you say? That's not the name of a song Two things, two fucking things Paul you're DJing, what do you say? That's not the name of a song. Two things. Two fucking things, Paul, you need to make a request. No, three things, right. First thing, don't ask

if you can make a request. It's stupid. It's like saying can I ask a question? Just ask the fucking question. Lose the fucking middleman. And it's a film. What song

by which artist which I don't have do you mean? That was two things. That's three things. What were the three? Don't ask me if you can have a request. One, that's right out. Two, it's a film Three, fuck off

I tell you what, I'm hard now Right, question three Question three End this You need You have I need, I have, I must. You will.

Calvin Klein. You have a big audition and need a small monologue with a... Accent. Who wrote this? Me. You have a small monologue with accent. What do you perform and in what accent? So there you go.

You've got to do a little audition piece now, contestant number one, in an accent. So hit us with it. Impressive with your acting skills. Literally off the cuff. Hello. Boss the voice. Boss Blackbeak the bird's voice. I'm Black Boss, the voice. Boss Blackbeak, the bird's voice. I'm Blackbeak. I'm Blackbeak. My name's Blackbeak the bird.

My urine and faeces are combined. It's factually true. Very good. Contestant number two, what's your small monologue in an accent? It's-a me, Mario. I do like Nintendo. I haven't really got any... Paul, you look like you've been boiled. Are you alright, mate? I am that far away from a stroke right now.

It's that way. There actually is some sort of vein sticking out of your head. We're only half an hour in. I can feel his pulse from here. Right, third and final contestant. What's your monologue and in what accent it's not Indian is it no it's Dutch it's a little something like this. Stand up. Oh, you were. What is your problem tonight? Oh, no one's applauding now, are they, Eli? This is why I don't do a show with an audience.

This is why. No, it's because they hate you. Yeah. Go on. Here we go. Hello, Paul. I'm John Coney Hall. Yes, sir.

And this is me. You can't say this to me when you come into here. You come into here and you say to me, John Carney, who are you? And I say, no. I say, no, you can't. Oh, done. Somebody's had a stroke and I don't know if it was me or him.

Out of interest, where are you from again? London. Oh, what did you point to him for then? Because his face just summed everything that's happening. He looked like he was in pain. I thought you were going to say he was Dutch. No, he just looked furious. So, you've heard all the contestants. Which one are you going to pick tonight?

Well, Scylla, I think they're all cunts. But I think contestant number one without a shadow of a doubt. So, you'll be going away tonight after the show to our five-star luxury hotel, the Shag Grand, where you'll have a lovely meal, you'll see Magic Mike XL at the cinema, and if you're a bit lucky, he'll mash it for you. So, that's coming up later.

Fuck off my stage. Right, see you in a bit. And that's Blind Date done. What have we got coming up on the show then? Well, on the show today we have, as you'd imagine, Price of Shite. We have some platter. We have some cheap beats. And we are ending the show tonight with Don't Get Mad. No. No.

No. So that's all to look forward to. So should we crack on? Do you want to do a tell us what shot floor? No. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

All right. I'll pick one because these are quite long. I'll read it out. You can read it out, yes. All right, I'll pick one, because these are quite long. I'll read it out, yeah? You can read it out, yeah. Yeah, you read that one. Now, if it mentions dementia, I want to cheer. What? We're doing the bingo, yeah?

We've got dementia. No! You're doing reactions wrong. We got dead pensioner. You know you've got to stand. Oh, yeah. Piss, shit. Come. Snot

Can I just say I'm very proud of the content of this podcast Dead animals So if you hear any of those things Just a little bit of acknowledgement Here we go This should be read by Paul It'll work better

Nah, it'll work better. Nah, it's alright. Hello Paul and Eli. Hello. Hello. I used to work in a local computer store where we did our own repairs and troubleshooting etc of customers' computers in the back. And in the actual store part, we had a set of monitors set up running various game and

movie trailers with audio. No doubt, Eli has already called me a cunt. Cunt. And told me to get on with it. Fucking hell, this guy's so meta. You sure this is alright? Yeah. I wish he would get on with it now with this meta, you know what I mean?

We'll stop talking then and get on with it. I wish this cunt would get on with it. You cunt. To which I say, shut your trap, you grotty little knob goblin. I'm setting the scene here. One day, this girl in her late teens or early twenties

comes into the store with her dad and a laptop. The guy behind the counter starts taking information. Model, what the problem is, and so on. Then he gets to the point where he asks if there's a password for the computer, and the girl just mumbles something. So he says, sorry,

I didn't catch that. Can you speak up? The girl mumbles something again. So once more, the guy asks if she can speak up. It is at this point that the computer running all the trailers on the monitors switches to another trailer, and you know those moments where everyone shuts up at the same time and someone says something embarrassing.

Well, that's what happened. The girl suddenly blurts out, Come slut 87. The girl of course blushes. Blushes up. I didn't know you did that. I blush down. You know what I mean?

I blush wide. You know what I mean? I blush wide. You know what I'm saying? No one knows what you're fucking saying. Only you. I'm talking about getting a stodge on. Fuck off. Sorry, I just got distracted there. Yeah, by your own erection, apparently.

It is a distracting thing. It's not that distracting. So she blushes up. And her dad did not look too happy about it. For the next couple of days, I got to enter the password several times to log into the computer. Also, quick anecdote.

At one point, I was doing backup of a customer's hard drive and went to check on the progress and found that it was currently copying the folder Linda fucks a dog and a horse. I scrubbed and scrubbed and ten years later, I still don't feel clean. Thank you, Dennis,

for that. Round of applause for Dennis. Right, so, let's get Ash back on stage. Ash, come on, mate. We're going to do our next section of the show. It's called Silverman's Platter where we play some choice hits from the shitty stuff you collect in the vinyl shop. So, do you know what you're doing this time? You've got the two TV things basically. Which one's first?

You pick my darling, you pick. Well she, what? Doesn't she have them in her... No, she can just drag anything. Alright, we'll start with this absolute forgotten gem of TV tie-in novelty records. Dusty Bean by Ted Rogers. Can you do the... Three, two, one.

No, three, two, one. I don't. Have you ever seen It Slow Down? It is nonsense what it does. Yeah, because... If you watch it, it's nonsense. Because at the beginning of the show, Ted Rogers had all the enthusiasm.

He was like, three, two, one. Ten watch it, it's nonsense. Because at the beginning of the show, Ted Rogers had all the enthusiasm. He was like, three, two, one. And then like 10 years later, he's like. It's like that clip of Bob Monkhouse and you see him do his first ever

Family Fortune. He's like, Bob Monkhouse. And he comes on. And then like fast forward to 10 years into his, you know, job doing that.

And he's like, Bob Monkhouse. He was very, very ill. I mean, He worked through it but ultimately it killed him, mate. What's your problem? He's a hero.

Come on, Bob, perk up a bit, mate. It's terminal, you tosspot. Live and up. You've lost a bit of weight. He's gone. Yeah, he's gone Yeah he's fucking gone, take it I won't stand here and Bob Monk has me defamed Imagine if he got tickets to the wrong show He'd be sitting there waiting for a point He'd go, what the fuck is this?

So, Dusty Bean by Ted Rogers We need some background into what 3-2-1 was. It was a game show where, was it the three couples? Three couples at first, yeah. They competed against each other for a big prize, and they had this mascot, which was a bin, which was the booby prize. You didn't want to get Dusty, did you?

Because he'd just got a plush toy of a bin, basically. And it does remind me of... What's that Hoover called? Henry Hoover. It's like they're related, isn't it? Henry Hoover and Dusty Bin. Henry Hoover who sucks up the filth. OK.

They both suck up filth, if you think about it. But the format of the quiz was, there was some kind of squitch... Squitch? Sketch? Yeah. Sketch or musical item, They both suck up filth, if you think about it. But the format of the quiz was, there was some kind of squitch, sketch, or musical item, and then the guests from that would come on and give a little riddle that they'd have to decipher to win a prize.

But famously, there's a comedian called Richard Sandler who does a really brilliant set about the whole 3-2-1 madness. Not invited here tonight. Not invited here tonight, even though he was here at the beginning. Not this show, but episode early. Yeah. No one needs details, apparently, so fuck it.

Love you, Richard. So famously, the riddle was almost impossible to solve, wasn't it? Yeah. It was like, oh, you sit in a barn and the wind blows through your hair. The westward foam makes you scared. And you think, all right, well, what? No, I want more of that. No, shut up.

Please, I want more, please. No, shut up. Please, I want more, please. Come on, the Westwood foam blows for your hair. Yeah, but I only mention Westwood foam because that's Goonies. Whatever. Triple bones, Westwood foams, sexy gnomes. I think that was it.

But anyway, it was an almost impossible quiz to win at. And they almost always just won Dusty. And this is his little tribute record to his mascot, Dusty Boone. It's got some tasty moog on it. Let's have a little listen to the 3-2-1. Hit the moog! No. No! In the funny face you see on the screen I'll tell you all about him, then you'll know who I mean

Round and jolly and made out of tin We all call him Dusty Bin. He's got a red nose and shiny cheeks. He knows all the answers. It's funny enough you do that when you're pissed at two in the morning outside a venue, aren't you? After you've DJ'd, that's how they can see you. Stop it! So Ash, what did you think of that?

I think it's absolute dog shit. Yeah. It's not Moog, I just realised It was some kind of Casio thing, nasty I remember that as being better How? How did you ever reminisce about that and think Yeah, funky Moog Do you think they were just

Because there was money to be made in releasing records back then, wasn't there? So do you think that it's literally They were just trying to jump on the back of it. Well, it's a novelty TV tie-in record, you know. Because you know the deal was, they invited a man. 82. They invited Ted Rogers in and went, Ted, we want you to sing a song.

Oh, great. I'd love to. I'm really passionate about music. Yeah, about your fucking bin on your show. And he broke down and he had a cry. And the whole world folded. It doesn't say on the cover. Sorry to interrupt you, Paul. I'm not. Yeah, no, you're not.

It says there, sung by Ted Rogers with the young'uns. That's problematic. No, he was completely and utterly cleared. He was not Operation U-Tree. Well, I hope not. Although, can you imagine? No. Fuck off!

I wasn't going to go there. No, no one was. No one was, Eli. I was thinking it earlier. Someone vocalised it. It was always going to be Paul. Right, let's move on to track number two then. What is track number two?

This is Mr Blobby, but... Hang on, hang on, hang on. No. Hold on. hang on, hang on. No! Hold on. It's the B-side. It's the dub version of Mr. Blobby's... Yeah, so it's... Someone just said this shit's about to get real.

No, it is. No. Now, Mr. Blobby, is it creation of the Edmonds? The Edmonds. The bearded Mestopheles. Is that right? Have I used the word Mestopheles wrong? Is there even such a word? That's a devil, yeah.

Yeah? Mestopheles. It's like that guy. But it's also known as Mephisto, isn't it? Oh, Mephisto! Yeah. Anyway. Can I say it? Yeah as Mephisto, isn't it? Oh, Mephisto. Yeah. Anyway. Can I say it? Yeah.

Mephisto. I don't know how to say that. You really do. Oh, Mephisto. So, Noel Edmonds had a show, Noel's House Party. He had Mr. Bobby as, don't applaud Noel Edmonds ever. Bearded fascist. So,

Mr. Blobby exploded in popularity thanks to that. They released the Christmas set, Mr. Blobby. This is the B-side to that hit. Didn't they famously keep, take that off the number one or something like that? Mr. Blobby kept Babe off number one at Christmas. Are you obsessed with Babe?

Was it Pray or Babe? Babe. Who wrote that? Babe. Was it Pray or Babe? Babe. Who wrote that? Mark Owen wrote it. I know, I know. And Mark Owen, Gary lets me write songs. Can I write a song about shining? Fucking hell.

Yeah, you can. I'm going to be up all night. All I do each night is sub. All I do each night is sub Hoping Gary Lownson Spunk into my open gob A new level Out of the new level, fuck me Anyway, let's play the Mr Blobby theme

B-side B-side He's got some minutes This is a song, ladies B-Side. B-Side. He's got some minutes. This is a song, ladies, to make love to. Come on. Don't stand in front of me. What are you doing? I'm passing a pie.

Stop, Mr. Blarby. Stop it. Are there no words? I was that far away from coming. Come on. Come on. Stop spitting on the audience. I'm so sorry. Not sorry. Come on. Stop spitting on the audience. I'm so sorry. Not sorry.

Okay, all right. Oh. Right, okay, good. So, what do you feel about that? I wish you weren't touching me, but... I feel that... Now, was that better? Let's just do a comparison.

Do you think that was better than Dusty Bean? It's like the whole song, basically. It gets... Goes like that, basically, the whole way through. It doesn't get any faster, does it? I like it better because it has an air of horror about it. If you were alone in your room at night and the door slowly opened

and then you saw blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, and then this big pink monster came out of your fucking room. I'm saying that, my girlfriend's heavily pregnant at the moment, so that is what happens every evening. Come on, you don't fucking boo that. You're a bunch of fucking cop shites. That was a well-constructed gag. So, Paul, you're going to have to rein this in.

Right, OK, we've had two songs. Like before, we're going to let you decide Which is the best of those two So stand up if you prefer Ted Rogers 3, 2, 1, go Dusty Bill it's called Oh yeah, it's Dusty Bill And if you prefer

And sit down, okay, a small amount If you prefer Mr. Blobby, boo Paul now Boo! Mr. Blobby wins Ash, can I just have a quick word with you To the side, back of the stage pull now. Mr. Blobby wins. Ash, can I just have a quick word with you? To the back of the stage. You fucking pull that shit on me again in this fucking podcast.

And I will fucking take your arse off. And I will put a bread knife up it. And I will cut you up the spine until your head falls off. And then I have a hundred hundred angry midgets have sex with you. All led by Eli in a jester's uniform.

Paul, Paul. Marching to the Mickey Mouse Club theme. You've got it wrong way round. Well, who cares if you're getting sodomised by a hundred midgets if your head's already off. I wouldn't pick on someone because of their size

Unlike some people I mean he's got a point I mean he does have a point Right, that was successful Right, next part of the show What do you think to say? Good Oh, it's time to play

It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite Oh, it's the fucking price of shite Shite And that's right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right

Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Right Welcome on stage. He created Digitizer a long time ago. Amazing fan footage. He was the writer and main talent behind the film Pudsey the Dog. And if you want to see more of his creative work... You fucking wanker.

Fuck you. Fuck you. When did I become the child catcher of this fucking podcast? We've been the... In the last 20 minutes or so. I fucking lost. So, and there's a brand new web series of the Digitizer

starting this year. Please welcome on stage the fantastic Mr. Biffo aka Paul Rose! Wyatt, now, before we play this, you have something. Now, you once something. I do. You once gifted us something terrible. It wasn't terrible, and he's a member of this family.

Well, that was what I was thinking. He's a member of this family now, and you can't deny it. And he's very close to me, and he's a dead mole, and he's called Keith. So I'm looking forward to this. I just need to check this is the right way up. Oh, no. Yeah.'m looking forward to this. I just need to check this is the right way up. Oh, no. Yeah. I keep dreading this.

My main contribution to Cheap Show thus far was Keith. It was Keith, yeah. And I thought, well, you know, I've helped create the Cheap Show family. Thank you. Thank you for that. It was possibly time to make that more official. So, Paul, this is for you.

Oh, fuck. I am genuinely frightened of what's... Hold it flat. Do not drop it on the floor. Is this alive? No. No? I can't fucking do this. Do not drop it on the floor. Is this alive? No. I can't fucking do this.

I'm genuinely... I'll do it. Hold it flat. Hold it flat. It is flat. You do it. No, no, no. I think Paul should do it. I'll hold it.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck is that? That's a little baby brother or sister for Keith. It's a mole fetus. Now everyone, eat it No, no No one's eating it He's got a little brother What are we going to call him? I'm actually quite moved

You name him You name him, Big Day Cheggers Fuck it He said it and then you I know I was thinking it at the same time

it's weird So actually thank you and by thank you I mean fuck off Well it's your fault you said to me don't give me any more

dead things That thing's never been alive Paul is this... It's genuinely a mole foetus. Is it dry? No, I've touched it because I dropped it yesterday. It's actually a little bit furry. If you stroke it, it's actually a bit

cuter to the touch than I was expecting. Oh my word. That is truly nasty, Paul. Right, can I give you your present now, Paul? What? Oh, it's shiny. can I give you your present now, Paul? What? Oh, it's shiny. So I got you this because I thought you, seriously, from all the work you did with Digitizer, you deserve something as a thank you.

And this is, it's been made for us, and I'll mention her name in a minute, but I just want you to see it first before I say any more. So I'll hold it, and you can just open the box. Do you know what? I've got a feeling I know what this is, because you've told me it's actually quite nice. It is quite nice.

Stop talking. Yeah, shut it. We're having a moment here. For God's sake. Big moment, this. Do you know what? I'm already feeling a little bit emotional. I think I've guessed what it is.

It's got a hole in the bottom, so I'm just going to hold it here. Your golden box. I want you to open it. I think I know what it is. Because you've just told me there's someone there's a... Oh, look at that! God, that's amazing. And it lights up.

Jeez. Oh, man. Oh, now half of it's fallen off. It's got bits on it. It's the desk from our upcoming thing that we're all in, which is digitising the show.

Which, in miniature. Is it Jasmine? Is it Jasmine Medieval Miniature? Is it Jasmine? Stand up, say hello. Thank you. That is amazing. This lady here makes amazing. Look at that.

She makes amazing miniatures for Dungeons & Dragons and I asked her if she would do the digitiser desk. So that's for you to say thank you and to reward you for your...

I'm going to put that on there. I'm actually going to give you a hug for that. See, he said to me... You're going to change the world! Yeah. For the worst. He said to me in the pub the other week,

you're going to feel really shit when you give me something horrible. And I hope you do. But I like Cheggers. Yeah, Cheggers is soft and furry. Right, so... Give that to my wife. Look, there you go.

Yeah, give it to Sanya to look after. There you are. There you go. And we'll find that little bit That dropped off And we'll put it back Was it that? Was it?

No that's just Spunk That's one of your herpes scabs Yay Right so we're going to play Price of shite Now have you got us Something shite

To start us off with? Oh yeah Alright here we go Okay Oh he's going in his Bag of mystery What have we got? What have we got love?

Oh god Any No no rough It's alright Oh, he's going in his bag of mystery. What have we got? What have we got, love? Oh, God. No, no, Ruff. It's all right. We can have either of these. Oh. You got... Hello. Explain what it is to the people at home.

It's a... It's an alligator toy. It's funny, apparently, because it's called funny toys. I'm not getting the humour aspect. Depends what you get it to snap at. It's a snappy turtle. Yeah, look, let's see if it's funny now.

Funnier, funnier, definitely. And you could use it as an aid to masturbation, couldn't you? Right. Ah! Ah! Ah! Or circumcision. And now, is there... And that's all there is to it. Bloody hell, that's awful.

Right. Is that... Paul? Yeah? These items were the same price. OK. So we can just have them as if they were one item. And what's the other one? This is Cheeky Monkey! Oh, it's a cheeky monkey! Oh, and it does cymbals.

Yeah, I know, mate. Get his nose. Do you know what, Paul? This is a bit better, because it's got all sweeties in it, doesn't it? Oh, sweeties. A little pack of sweeties there. Exciting. Not many sweets, mostly monkey.

It's mostly monkey monkey It's mostly monkey It's mostly monkey Yeah but the snappy turtle Snappy alligator Doesn't have any They could have a fight Fuck off I want to play with one

Afterwards Alright Right Right you're happy then So that's our first item Eli would you like So does anyone have any Price of shite things

They'd like to For the show today? One. One. Thought there'd be more. Two. Two. Do you know the price of this item?

Yes. Okay. All right, go collect them, because we'll find out at the end what the price is. So let's get four more rather than the 20 you chose last time. Oh, shit. Trainers.

Yeah. Okay. Oh. Ooh. Just one more thing. Oh shit! Trainers. Just one more thing. Just one more. Anything from this side? Bastards. The hell?

What's all this about? I could throw something in that I bought that I never got to give you. We're fine. Otherwise, as you saw last time, it complicates the rules somewhat. And then we just gave up. Oh. We got some things.

We got some... There's two boxes contained. One item. Well, we'll have to pick and choose. And then Eli can use the box later as a lovely bed. Cheggers bed. Cheggers bed.

Okay, let's look at what we've got here. First we've got... It's a Ghostbusters mug. Oh, look at that, ladies and gentlemen. A lovely, lovely travel mug. Ectoplasm stone. With the logo on, which, as we all know, is in the wrong position for the no entry sign.

It should opposite be the opposite, but it doesn't really matter. Doesn't really matter. And it's got a lovely green lid, and I think it's insulated, which means it'll keep your drinks hot, which is important in this busy day we live in. Okay.

I didn't mean to say I've got nothing. It's a cup. Right, cup. It's a nice Ghostbusters cup there. And we have a quite topical item. Chas and Dave's Christmas Jamboree. Hey! Good old Chas.

Yeah. Rub it. They're all on there. Rub it. I heard the original. Rub it. Rub it. Now, what is it? Rub it!

I'm just ignoring you. Rub it. Rub it. Rub it. Rub it. Oh, man. It's all going on in that box. This is an actual iPhone, so... Right. So, Alan, you've put your phone into Price is Shy,

or is that an accident? Well, that's kind of... Some people... Oh, is it real? No, is that real? Is that real? It's a fake succulent. Do you know the price of that? All right, let's use that.

There's a bag of McCoy's. Is it? Oh, no, mini cheddars. Little wanky hands. Oh. It's a finger puppet. It's a finger puppet, apparently. There you go

Edward Beadle hands I'm not proud of that by the way For those of you doing that My wife hates that What the slithing fuck's that All of a sudden you became like the Hellraiser My wife hates that What the flippin' fuck's that? All of a sudden you became like the Hellraiser New film by Tim Burton

Yeah Edward Handfingers No, it's Edward Beadlehands Oh yeah, fair enough Do we have enough items now? No, I got this one, this is from this chap at the front It's the fifth Element on VHS. I fucking hate The Fifth Element.

What? You and I are done. Boo! Boo! You know what's really shit about it? No, I love it because she wears hardly anything for most of the film. And she's stupid, but then she falls in love with him because she's stupid like all women.

And then fucking Chris Rock comes on. It's so shit. Yeah, I'm Chris Rock! It's like they're all gone I'm like a blank slate slate and I'm not aware of my sexuality

what's the point I mean it just says multi-pass and she's got that weird bra that presses her tits right in is that why you hate it

no okay well I like it yeah anyway that so what we need you to do. Let's go through this. So we have the joint item of the Crocodile and Monkey.

We have the Ghostbusters mug. We have the little fake plant. We have the fifth element. And we have Chaz and Dave vinyl. Right? So it's going to be up to you to put those from Eli at the cheapest towards me, the most expensive. Right? Okay?

Can I ask questions? Yeah, you can ask a question. Who bought the Ghostbusters mug? That was Josh. So hello, Josh. Can I ask a question? Yeah, you can ask a question. Who bought the ghostbusters mug? That was Josh. So, hello, Josh. Josh, is that new? Yes, it's new. Oh.

It's brand new. But does it qualify as a price of shite item? Yes, of course it does. Fair play. How can it be new from a charity shop? Because somebody donated it. I don't know. Well, then that's not new, is it?

Mate, we need to stop bantering with them. It does not help us. It would be a bit sad if you were doing this in the comfort of your living room without any kind of feedback. That's what we do. It's just us sitting in this fucking filth nest.

Talk to the mini hands. Talk to the hands. Can I ask where the succulent was from? Where's the succulous from? Succubus. Succubus. Succubus from. Stop spitting at the audience, everybody.

It's like a reverse punk gig. Sorry, where did you get those from? British Heart. British Heart Foundation. Oh. Those items I bought, I should say, are new. Oh. And Fifth Element, I'm guessing, isn't new.

That's going to be... Chaz and Dave isn't new. Let's have a look at this. As advertised on TV. Christ. That is at the height of their fame. Rabbit. In the 80s.

Rabbit. Stop doing that. Just say rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Get it fast. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Stop doing that. Just say rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Get it fast. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit. Now I can sleep. I'm going to be happy. There's some hard hitting songs on it. Does it have

Gertrude on it? Well, not according to the front. It's got Somebody Stole My Gal, which is a song about abduction, presumably. Who Were You With Last Night? That's a bit paranoid it's just like the whole album's about paranoid jealous ex-lover oh where did you get that hat mine isn't it it's his it's his hat uh poor old mr woogie all right okay okay. So Eli's the cheapest.

So put them in order. Your time starts now. No, don't do that. I'm not good under pressure. I'll lash out. Is that it? Right, we have an answer to order. I've built a nest.

So I thought that's what I had to do. No, we did not ask you to build a dam featuring all the things you were just giving out. Do you feel that my items are the same price as the... Actually, I hadn't thought of that through there. So video... Oh, he's going for... Going in between.

And then mug, and then... No, succulent. Dave Chaz. Dave Chaz. Okay, you ready? Right. Yeah. So...

Wait, wait, hang on. The monkey, the clapping monkey, and the snapping gator, are they one item? No. As you can clearly see, they are two separate items. Well.

Sorry, that's really got me. Could have been in a relationship. And they both cost the same price. So we're looking for the single item price. I just wanted to... Right, well, that's fine. As long as they're in the same area. Right, so let's find out.

Like, shall we find out how well you did? All right? So, I've got to write this down now. Fuck. Fuck. Fine. So, how much was Eli, your monkey, crocodile sex aid? They were 99p each. Oh, so 99p.

I'm going to put down for that. 99p. Now, who brought the fifth element in? Which is sexist. Sexist. I like it. sexism yeah all right fine okay how much was the video i found it by the by a bin around the corner oh he's played by the cheap show rules so i've touched that and that's been that would be in

the bin that's the property of some poor tram. He's going to go back to that bin tonight and go, where's my fifth element? I haven't wanked on Miller's face yet. Shouldn't have said that. Right. How much was the plant? £1.99.

Oh, £1.99. So far, yeah. The cup, Josh, how much did it cost? £49. Bloody hell. so far. The cup, Josh, how much did it cost? 49p. 49p? There was no reason for it. It was from the last bill that came out and everybody thought it was terrible.

You can shut your fucking face now. They told me it wasn't worth anything. That's true. Your soul's worth nothing. Get out. At least he didn't have some woman who was like I've just been born and I don't know what to do. Your soul's worth nothing. Get out. Right. At least he didn't have some woman who was like,

ooh, I've just been born and I don't know what to do with my sexuality. Put a bandage on my tits. I'm Bruce... I'm Bruce Willis and I'm here to save David's helmet. Teach me about who I am and how to love. Oh, I'm Bruce Willis. Follow me for a car chase in the sky. I'm thrown because you two are sort of agreeing on something.

And normally that doesn't happen. I can side with one or the other. All right, and how much was Chas and Dave? A quid. A quid? You are completely wrong on every count. On all counts. Or was I?

Yes, you were. I mean, I would go on to say it was disastrous for you. But thanks for playing the game. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rose. I mean, I would go on to say it was disastrous for you, but thanks for playing the game. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rose. Oh, thank you very much. Give him a round of applause. Right.

What have we got now, Paul? It's cheap eats time. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Oof. Ooh.

Oh, shit. Right, can we try my crisps? As part of this, because I think they're nice. You want to try your crisps? Yeah. Yeah, go for it. All right. No, as part of this set.

Yeah, I, yeah. Yes. Okay, good. But we have to introduce our guest for this. Yeah, I know. Ladies and gentlemen, you may know him as Ashton, but his real name is, and always has been, Stuart Ashton. Round of applause for Stuart.

Hello. So, we have a lot to get through. We're not going to get through it all, unfortunately, so we're going to do our very best to try and get some of the things you've brought in today eaten, and we've got a few things of our own. Stuart, how are you? I live. Great answer.

Thanks, I'm working on it. You brought in the musk sticks from the first episode. I did. They were truly nasty. They were. They were soap and confection. Together at last. You have a habit of bringing soapy treats onto our show.

Yeah, I think it's because I don't want to eat them on my own. One of those ones, you brought sponge. Was that right? No. You brought sponge. You don't know the show you're in half the time. No, I know. We had a bit. It affects the mind. Ooh!

Okay. Sponge. It wasn't the sponge, though. It was that gum. Oh, I can't remember. I thought sponge was one of your very, very early shows. Okay Sponge It wasn't the sponge though It was that gum What was it called? Oh I can't remember Sponge One of your very very early shows Yes

I know We know that It's a Canadian Chewing gum And it says on the packet Don't worry Still tastes like soap Don't worry

Still tastes like soap Don't worry This product's still shit But didn't taste But didn't taste... What? And sleep. Fuck you, it works. But it didn't taste as much of soap as those musk sticks. No, those musk sticks were pure soap.

Anyway, TV. So, we have got some delights for you to help us enjoy, or not enjoy. We'll find out. It'll be the latter. Yeah, it will be the latter. What for you to help us enjoy or not enjoy. We'll find out. It will be the latter. Yeah, it will be the latter. What have you got for us? I've got those crisps.

These I had the other day and I thought, bloody hell, they're lovely. And these are made by farmers. That's what it says. Pipers made by farmers Farmers make pipers? You'd hope farmers would grow the potatoes You'd hope someone who was more qualified

to cook would make them With their big muddy boots coming into the factory They've got cow tit on their hand They'd make them like crisps with their nasty cow titty hands. I never thought I'd hear you complain about a man with cow titty hands, but now I've heard everything.

Delicious jalapeno and dill crisps. These are very, very good. But they're not cheap, are they? dill crisps. These are very, very good. But they're not cheap, are they? Have you noticed that the cost of a gourmet kettle style crisp has come right down

over recent years and is basically on a level with something like Walker's now. Don't look smug when you say that! It's a bit infotainment, mate. Very little info, barely entertainment. Move on.

No, I'd like to see what Stuart thought of those. All right. Well, they're going to crack into him. Oh, we're going to do it now? Yeah, because we eat him on the show. So how about you eat him? Now, listen to the huff on this.

Listen to the smell? Listen to the... It was that day we found out he has symphonia. Actually, the huff is not great. I have to say. Very poor huff. That's disappointing.

It's quite bummy, isn't it? Yeah, it's bummy. Can I have a sniff? Yeah. Huff that. It's very fecal. Great. Well, you're going to try them. I'll try one.

So you're saying how great they are, and then they smell of arse. I liked them when I ate them. What do you think, sir? Oh, they're lovely. They're like a slightly spicy wood that somebody has had near an old nappy You guys are insane You're insane They've got a real bite

A jalapeno Amplitude out of your zoo I mean I've eaten worse But only because it's my job They're not awful I'm just not a huge fan of that particular flavour I mean, I've eaten worse, but only because it's my job. They're not awful. I'm just not a huge fan of that particular flavour. Okay, so we need a mark from you out of five.

I'm going to give it two, because it's a personal complaint, but they're a good product. What would you say, Stuart? I'd go a bit better. Two and a half? I'm going to go heavy four and a half. Oh! You devil. Yeah.

He's, you know... Oh, you're giving sweets out now Nice The aftertaste is nice She doesn't like them I will say that It's too spicy Too spicy It's spicy in the mouth

It's fine No, don't He'll save that crisp now forever And sleep with it Our lady licked it And I gave it to her I can't believe it Fuck off I like it when He'll save that crisp now forever and sleep with it. A lady licked it and I get to sleep with it. I can't believe it.

Fuck off. I like it when ladies lick my pickle crisps. Don't you, George? Oh, yes, you do. Yeah? Well, you lick... You know what? What have we got to taste now? This comes from Stacey

Stacey is that right yay she gave us when did this become a golf tournament that was a golf club Stacey very very kindly

donated us a whole bag of Japanese it was Japanese goodies wasn't it yeah we're going to use those in the podcast proper later on but we did pull these up

don't worry if you have donated food today and we don't eat it now we will be doing it on the podcast because we need the content all this stuff here is another year of cheap show so thank you very much so these, and you're excited about this aren't you I thought it said

squid Jenny I thought it said squid Jenny as well it's a squid jerky which is more understandable it's fine. I mean, I want to know who Squid Jenny is now. Why did you kill her and dismember her? Maybe it's like a really low-key babe station lady.

Hello. Hello, love. I'm Squid Jenny. You can see my clam for fire. What? Come on, you've won them back round. I know we're not a highbrow podcast, but at this point, I'm just involved. I'm just in it.

So this is squid jerky. And I can't have it because I'm allergic. The E-line's going... So I will give one to you, sir. Why, thank you. Allergic. I am allergic. Allergic. I am allergic. to you, sir. Why, thank you. Allergic. I am allergic. Allergic.

I am allergic. Poor allergic Reid, psychologically sort of scared on a really deep subconscious level of vagina. If anything, it's the opposite with me with vaginas, just so you know. Good. So they've got power rangers on them. Oh, they've got... Rangers on them. Am I getting it?

No. They've got little mini Power Rangers on them. Mine's red, yours is blue. What does that mean? Perhaps a different flavour. Chili and raspberry? No idea. Now this is a very... Because I've had dried squid, dry rolled squid and stuff like that

and dried squid rings That's a fishy smell Is it fishy? This is more like a concentrated perhaps this has got more of a concentrated fishiness to it I knew it was worth coming did you get one Mark? no

it smells like a pet shop yes it smells like a pet shop it does the aquarium area it really does it really really does Mike are you going to do this? yeah let's do it It really does. Yeah. It really, really does. Right, we're going to do this. Yeah, let's do it.

Everybody calm down. Very plasticky. Like I'm beginning to think I should have unwrapped it more. How is that a thing? I don't... It's nowhere near as highly flavoured as, well, as powerful as it smells. It's just a little rubbery squid. It's a little rubber strip

of joyless fish jelly. Also, the review's my first album. No, that's really bad. That's not bad. What did you think, Mark? Have you had some already? Yeah, it gets worse with age. It gets worse with age.

Everything does, mate. Everything does. He's right. He's right, because you chew it, and it starts to release the fishy, stale essence. I didn't mind it. You didn't like it? No, Sam? It's fish food.

It's fish food. It's fish food. That's truly, I mean truly, disgusting. I've never seen this disappointed with fish food.

Oh, man. It's enveloping my whole fucking being. You get your money's worth. The smell of it. It's like I'm whole fucking being. You get your money's worth. The smell of it. It's like I'm on an industrial shipping boat and I'm scraping. I don't know about you,

but I wanted to hear more, right? You're saying, Stuart? Two out of five? I'm going to go one. You'd have to be really into squid. What did you think? Two for this chap? How much? One. A very unpopular... You've ruined the show, Stacey.

You liked it. Do you want a badge? Do you want a medal? Do you want a certificate? I like squid. Well done. I like squid. Do you want a medal? That says I like squid. Alright, great. If you brought one, I'd like one. I like squid. Do you want a medal? Yes. That says I like squid. All right, great. If you brought one, I'd have one.

No, I'll make one. Okay. Great. I'm looking forward to that. Fantastic. Right. That would be a great thing to have on a blind date. If you didn't like the other person, you could just quickly slip that into your mouth, chew it.

Then when you kiss them at the end, that would put them right on. That would. Well, something to take home with you, a lovely fact. If you want to get rid of a partner, put something fishy in your gob. What if they liked it? What if they liked it? Then it's true love. That's the way they find match kings and princes and things.

Yeah. Right, what else have we got? So who's got something for us? Oh. Mega sour squeaks. Oh, I like mega sour. Didn't we do them on Barshens and we took all the skin off Octavia's kitten's tongue?

Yes. With the sweets. I mean, we didn't hold her down with like a scraper. This was not like a torture pole. Which is why she wouldn't come back. Yeah. I've got some more. It's gone, what the fuck's going on?

Oh, we've got, oh, we'll save that. Save that. There's more. Oh, we got got... Oh, we'll save that. Save that. There's more. Oh, we've got combos. Fuck off. Shall we do those last? No. You just keep those. Chicks mix.

Chicks mix. I've got squid vibration in my mouth. Oh, these are really hot, though. I should just do one of these shows a week and I wouldn't have to buy food. Candy corns. Right, let's do these quickly, then, yeah? Go, go, go, go.

Let's have a candy corn first. Oh, man. My sister was telling me about these. She grew up in America and remembers such things. Now, why are they called corn? Because they're like a... They look like corns. No, because people have shit them out

and they're still the same shape. Very sweet, aren't they? Now, you're an American, aren't you? Yes. Sorry. So, are these traditional flavour? Like, this is what you expect going years back, they taste like this.

Or is this newfangled flavouring? This is the only candy corn I've ever known. It's good to know. I just want to make sure this is not some new version for the kids. It's perfectly edible.. I just want to make sure this is not some new version for the kids. It's perfectly edible. I tried to buy some for my sister once, and it tasted different to this. She was disappointed.

Clearly, this is what we need. Want a bag to bring her? I have it. Thanks. It tastes like... Rot. Putty with a hint of sugar. Yeah, like sweet rot. It's extremely sweet. It's more with a hint of sugar Yeah like sweet rot

It's extremely sweet It's more than a hint of sugar I'd say There's a vanilla Sort of flavour to it Vanilla or toffee Something like that Well what would you give that

Out of five then Stuart? Or caramel maybe Yeah I would give that three And Paul? Two and a half Two and a half Two and a half

I'll go for a two Solid two and a half there And this is I just had a really funny joke about That was actually really puerile Based on poo Two and a half, two and a half, two and a half. I'll go for a solid two and a half there. And this is... I just had a really funny joke in there. That was actually really puerile based on poo. Yeah, I did poo. There's a surprise. What would a two and a half be then, Paul?

It would be a big poo and then a little nugget that drops off afterwards. A little Maltese poo afterwards. Yeah, a little rabbit plopping. It's Mrs. Lady, Madam Lady Plops. Oh, hello. I, Madam Lady Blobs. Oh, hello. I'm Madam Lady Blobs. And I'm Squishy Sid.

And I'm about to have a solid two and a half. Don't worry, my lady. I will scratch that into the ground so hard you won't be able to get it out of the ground because I will tread it in. I'm Squishy Jim. Sorry, not Sid. That's my brother. Squish I'm Squishy Jim. Sorry, not Sid. That's my brother. Squishy, Squishy Jim. Oh, here we go

Madam Lady Plops. I love you, Madam Lady Plops. I love you, Squishy Jim. Aww. Now this is... You should work on the archers. This is candy popcorn.

Tokari, and I believe this is Japanese, and it's very interesting. There seems to be a two-toned thing going in. There's a desalinator, so do not... Is that what they're called? It's a silica gel desiccant. A desiccant. Don't get the desiccant down, yeah?

Oh. I'll try it now. We'll try some of this. Oh, fuck it! What's that meant to taste like? Coffee. I'm going for one of each colour, cos I'm not racist like some. Why am I not racist?

Stop that! Thank you. That's not coffee. It's cheese. The white is cheese and the brown is coffee. That was cheese. What the fuck is going on in Japan? What we need ladies and gentlemen is a bag of food, one-off flavoured cheese, one-off flavoured coffee.

Fucking make it. Does somebody have some cream in their coffee and the cream had turned to cheese? That is bizarre. I'm having the coffee one. That's alright. I think the cheese one's alright by itself. It's when they combine. I'm going to combine them. Do a combination there. I'm going to combine the cheese and coffee.

I'm going to have another coffee because that was a pleasant... Oh yeah, that'll do nicely. I'm having the cheesy one. And I need a score for this. Bizarre abomination. I'm going to have cheese and coffee. The most classiest of combinations. That's fucking horrible. Genuinely nasty.

Good, I need a score for that. On their own three, together, one. Yeah. Outstanding by Stuart on that one. I think we all mirror that. You want to do those quick? Fuck it. How much time we got?

I'm aware of the time running out. We're doing all right. We're doing all right, love. Okay. All right, calm down, ducks. Now, these are Chex Mix, which is a popular brand in America. Just lay the lay of the land out.

Fuck. I've blown the goose already, haven't I? And these are Snack Mix. They're spicy. It says, Danger, really freaking hot. I'm Jimmy the goose already, haven't I? And these are snack mix. They're spicy. And it says danger. Really freaking hot. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. And this is...

And I am proud to bring to you my latest invention. It is check mix. And it's a spicy hot flavor. The ladies love the spice. The gentlemen love the spicy lady. I'm bringing the spicy man, the spicy lady together. And I'm putting them in a bag. Oh, there's a sexy thing.

Okay, Jimmy. Jimmy Biscuit is going to go wank in a bag. Alright, here we go. I'm just going to have some of these. They're all a mix of different kind of crusty things. We lost someone. I don't blame her.

You know what she doesn't like? Jimmy Biscuit. That's what she doesn't like. She's allergic to Jimmy Biscuit. Then don't blame her. You know what she doesn't like? Jimmy Biscuits. That's what she doesn't like. She's allergic to Jimmy Biscuits. Then don't come back. Because Jimmy Biscuits ain't going nowhere, are you Jimmy? No, I'm staying here, buddy. There are Shreddies in here.

Yeah. Hot Shreddies, ooh. A Pretzeli mix. Let's see if they're freaking hot. Are they meant to be freaking hot? Yeah, I want to say something fun. They're not hot. They're freaking hot. Are they meant to be freaking hot? Yeah, I thought I was going to say something fun. They're not hot. They're not hot.

Oh, they're a little hot. They have some... Oh. Just sneaks... Whoa. Shit. That was a little cough, wasn't it? Bloody hell.

You can tell something's really hot when you get that dry cough thing going. Yeah. Oh, shit. That's really hot when you get that dry cough thing going. Yeah. Oh shit. That's really hot. That's a fucking kick, man. Yeah, they're not lying. Bloody hell. Well, not having any more of those.

I should not have done that. You're made in error. I like those. They're nice. They're nice enough. They're a little bit hot for me. I think if I was to have like two mouthfuls, that would do for me. And then a really cold beer.

Eli, these, by the way, combos are cheddar cheese pretzel flavour, just so you know. We've had those before. You aren't having them, mate. Yeah, just put them away. You aren't having them. That's good. I don't want them.

You can't have them mate! Yeah, just put them away. You aren't having them. I'm good, I don't want them. You can't have them. Cause I'm rubbing them all over my sexy, hairy body. I don't want them now. Now we do need a score for the extra hot Chex Mix. Three and a half for me, I could enjoy those with a light beverage. Stuart? Bloody things are giving me hicc I could enjoy those with a light beverage. Stuart? Bloody things are giving me hiccups. They really are.

They only get two and a half for that. Okay. We've given Stuart hiccups. I like them. The most adorable complaint you could give to someone. It's like a little rabbit. He's got little hiccups. He's so cute.

Little rabbit. And he goes... And I'm like... Fuck off. And he goes, Eee-ee-ee! And I'm like, Eee-ee-ee! Fuck off. Stuart, just come over and let us talk about back on stage for a minute. You fucking show me up on stage like that again, man. And I will devalue your videos by fucking kiddie porn all over the front of them! You ever talk to me like that again?

I'll stick my foot so far up your arse and knock your fucking teeth out, you cunt. Now get back on the stage and do your job. Alright, guys? Fucking love you. I fucking love you too, man. So, er... So, G-Beats, uh... So, cheap pizza.

Yeah, that was great. That was a great section. A fully successful section of the show. No, we're doing the sour sweets to finish. Oh, yeah! Oh, shit. Yeah! Sorry, I actually got genuinely excited.

No, these are super sour. These are the same brand that we did on Bostons because they were fucking hot. They genuinely... What video was that? That was the Gunge Bucket one, wasn't it? I think so, yeah. They, like, turned into goo they were fucking bombastions. They genuinely. What video was that? That was the gunge bucket one, wasn't it? I think so, yeah. They turned into goo as soon as air touched them.

They were terrifying. Yeah, they were vicious. Oh, God, colours. Oh, these are big. This is a big suck. Anyone else? The sour is popular. Sorry if you sat at the back, but we're fucking lazy.

So you might not get what you want. Right, so have you put it in? Yep but I haven't eaten this yet. Right. I'll do the knob gags thank you very much. It's all I have. So then you must have Paul, that's the problem. That's why we're here. Yeah. Right, I'm gonna put it in, because the audience have already got headphones. God, I've just seen Ash's head explode, so...

Here we go! Three, two, one... Fuck it up! Yep, keep it moving around in your mouth or it will take the skin off. Oh! Oh God, do this! Who said, let's make a sweet that no one can enjoy? Get out. God.

That first suck is toxic. Let's take that line out of context later. I'm done with those. They're gone. I'm afraid they're all gone. Is it? Who wants this one? I will.

It's been in my mouth. I love it. Oh, no. No. No. Hey. No. No. Yeah!

Like a boss. No, he didn't. No. I left something better there for you. No he didn't No I left something better there for you If it's got a creamy centre You know now why Right Why?

It's cum It's cum Alright I made a cum job I spunked in a can And it came into a man I put it in my mouth I just wanted you to explain that

To everyone I was a bit unclear I feel better now I'm going to give that five. It was fucking great fun. Yeah? Yeah, if I had more time and I could chew it and put it aside and then put it back in and suck it a little bit. No.

It's alright, mate. Oh, she's done. I thought you loved it. It's because the shower wore off and now it's boring. Oh, it's always the way. Suck it now it's boring. Oh, it's always the way. Suck it till it's boring. Let's wrap this section up. Let's wrap this section up.

So, what was your favourite one out of all of them? I think I liked the... I'm sorry to go with my own selection, but these are fucking lovely. All right, fair enough. Stuart, what did you like most? I liked the sour sweet. Sour sweet, yeah. Yeah, pretty good.

It does get a bit dull after the sour's gone but it has a kick. It has a kick. What was the worst? The squid jerky. Well, I didn't have, I would say the popcorn

out of the ones I had. I didn't like the mix. What about you, Stuart? Popcorn combination. Unholy. You prefer to have that unholy squid strip? Yes, I would.

I genuinely would other than have those two together. Okay, just wanted to, yeah, okay. Well, what, anti-climax. Let's lend this same round of applause to Stuart Ashen. Belly kiss.

Belly kiss. Fuck off. That's my belly. I think we've pulled anything at this point. Donald Trump. Is the correct answer. Fuck not getting involved in politics. Fight the system.

Not system, the piston. Just stop talking. Stop talking. Right. What's coming up now on the next section of this show which has an organised thing and it has stuff that comes after stuff and there's some more stuff coming up right now. What's that Paul? What's that stuff?

What's that stuff? Ladies and gentlemen, to end the show tonight, we thought it was only fair we let you in to the world of Don't Get Mad. It is the game based on a moral Christian website where we put Eli in a position where he's taunted and teased. He's challenged. And all he has to do, simply, is don't get mad.

It's that simple. Just don't get mad. How hard can it be? Let's find out. We're going to have Stuart, Paul and Ash at one at a time take a challenge, go up against you, improvise a scene and all you've got to do, mate, no matter what happens is keep your

shit together and don't get mad. Alright? Yeah? You did alright in the first show. I thought you were quite subdued. I thought you did alright. I'm hoping that you can be the bigger man. And... Love it. Absolutely I'm hoping that you can be the bigger man and er love it, absolutely love it fuck off

I'll be dining out on this show for years you will, oh 201 was the best so what are we fucking doing don't get mad I'm not I'm not. I'm just upset.

You're screaming. You've been screaming. You're going to do yourself a disservice, mate. So they're going to come on one at a time. Yeah. You'll get a random number generated from the audience. Yeah. And then they will... You need to get your phone out

and you need to bring up that where it is. And then we need to do the show, yeah? You got it. Okay. So, here we go. So, it's that simple. I'm going to point at you and if I point at you, give me a one digit number and then I'll point to a second person.

You'll give me the second digit and then we'll get a number to select from. So, you! Five. You! Six. Fifty-six. Nice. Five, six. Five. Five. You. Six. 56. Nice, five, six.

Great. 56. 56. Right. Stop doing visual comedy on a podcast. He's showing a tiny penis popping out. No, he's showing a tiny hand popping out the front of his trousers.

Okay, good, yeah I just wanted, I felt something and I had to do it and I did it Your honour Right, so 56, so we will have Stuart play this one first, come on Stuart A round of applause for Stuart will have Stuart play this one first. Come on Stuart. So scenario 56 is Liz's mother told her to practice for her piano lesson but Liz didn't want to. Liz

felt like banging on the piano keys in protest. What should Liz do? So you're gonna be Liz and I presume you're going to be Liz. And I presume you're going to be the mother telling her to do her piano lessons. All right? Are you ready? Begin the scene. Do I have to?

Because it's so boring. I hate Chopin. Yes, you do, dear. I have arms like a velociraptor. You know that means I can't play, so I have to live out my dreams through you. Play the piano. Tinkle, tinkle.

It's so boring. I don't want to do it. It's so boring. It's still better than the violin. Get on with it, Liz. Get on with it. Oh. Oh.

I. Get on with it, Liz. I. I. How would it be If I pissed on it If I squirted all in between the keys Does that make my pain fluid Does it

I'm getting warmed up now I'll tell you what mum I'm gonna shit on this piano Right now Well really That's it a A dirty protest! It's fucking Shostakovich! That's very good.

That's literally what's on the music sheet in front of you. Good work, Peter. Good work. I thought you were going to say, I'm going to play plop sticks. Fuck you. Great scene. Really emotional. Well done to Stuart you can now sit down you've done your thing

thank god for that thank you I don't know what else you want me to do Paul mate I just need to fucking think calmly behave calmly act calmly

how hard can it be I thought I just sort of got to a point where I said I was going to shit on or in something I know

but you know it's not called don't shit now but it should be it should But, you know, it's not called Don't Shit Now. But it should be. It should be with you. Come on, let's get another number. Mr. Biffo himself, Paul Rose, get on stage, grab a microphone. Right.

Right. You, glasses, there, give me a number. Three. Three. You, glasses, mouth man. Four. Four. Three, four, five, six. Fucking hell. This is not Sesame Street. Thank God it's not Sesame Street. 34. Here we go. Howard's teacher told

him it was time to come in for recess, but Howard was not ready to go. Howard felt like running away from the teacher and hiding. What should Howard do? Paul, you're going to be playing the strict teacher, begging naughty Howard to come in from recess. I'll let you... Oh, fuck. Let's just play this out. Yeah? What?

Yeah, you go off to the races. Howard? What? Howard? What? Howard Howard could you come in from recess please whatever that is Howard Howard I'm on recess I don't want to come in

Howard do you want me to call your mother no go on then do you want me to call your mother a cow don't care don't care yeah we've got any parents anyway have you Howard

no do you know why how because I killed him and that's a fact right Don't care. Yeah, we haven't got any parents anyway. Have you, Howard? No. Do you know why, Howard? Because I killed them. And that's a fact, right? And I'll kill the rest of your family if you don't fucking come in here now, Howard. Yeah, well, I'll tell everyone who's an adult that you've bummed me. Yeah, and you know what? Maybe I will. If you don't come in here now, Howard! Alright. Alright, I will come in. I will Maybe I will. If you don't come in, I will! Alright, I will come in, I will. Wow, that is a first. That is a first.

You actually didn't get mad because you wasted that. Paul Rose is able to mouser around and applause. He crushed Eli. Well played, sir. Right. Last but, sir. Right. Last but not least. Ash. It's like that thing out of Make Fun of This Disability. Why? You are handicapped.

Stop it now! No, fun's over. Fun's over. You can't... At one point, some of them say, how did the show go? And you go,

well, I did this one joke and the punchline was, you are handicapped. And you thought that was going to be fine, didn't you? Because you had hands on your face. Nobody remembers. Right. You sit at the back.

Give us a number between one and ten. Including one and... Oh, yeah, behind. Yeah, with the... Two. You. Nine. Nine. I'm going to do 92 instead this time, because you've been. You. Nine. Nine.

I'm going to do 92 instead this time, because you've been down at the bottom a lot. Why do we bother asking them to pick if you're just going to choose to run? Oh. Rick wanted to play video games, but mother told him to study for the test. Rick felt like ignoring his mother

and pretending to study. What should Rick really do? So you're going to be Rick's mother. You're going to be Rick, Eli. Okay? He has to do his homework. He wants to play video games. And scene. Rick! You better not be playing video games upstairs. You know you've

got that gonorrhea test in the morning. You've got to scrape that tube. I'm not. I'm not. I'm preparing for my gonorrhea test. How? You're not squeezing the juice out already, are you? I'm cleaning it. I'm cleaning all downstairs business.

Sounds like Fortnite. Well, it is. Can I just play for another ten minutes? No, it makes you aggressive. Stop the gaming. Get your penis out. Prep it for the scraping. All right.

Just five more minutes. No, absolutely not. I don't know what you're not grasping here, Rick. You should be grasping your penis. All right, I can do both at once. I can just play with one hand and then... I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my penis. Is it some kind of...

What, am I flossing it? What am I doing? Well, stop doing what you are doing. How do I prepare for a gonorrhoea test? I think it's a lot of thinking about what you've done with your life, really. And stop sticking it in things that give gonorrhoea, I guess. Koalas, for example. Have I stuck it in the...

I'm trying to think of an up-to-date console. Have you put your neck in the GameCube again? GameCube, yeah. I bought you yesterday for Christmas. GameCube's like 15 years old. Yeah, that was the joke I was doing. That's all. I bought you yesterday for Christmas. Gamecube's like 15 years old. Yeah, yeah, that was the joke I was doing. That's all she can afford. That was...

Can I have a win with you back at the stage again, please, mate? Come here. That was what the Donnetwork played. Well... If you didn't buy me such old, out-of-date consoles, perhaps I wouldn't have to fuck them. I've not been able to buy anything new, because your dad's dead. He died when he was presenting Wipeout, or whatever it was.

Rick Monkhouse. If you don't come down here, remember when we were talking about Bob Monkhouse earlier well it's too late because I've shat everywhere goodbye goodbye

oh right sorry I was elsewhere thank you very much Ash Sorry, I was elsewhere. Thank you very much, Ash. Well done. Thank you. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to say goodbye.

Aww. Ooh. Ooh. Now, if we have any of your property that you need to reclaim, please come up and get it. All right, yeah. Let's do the really cold admin stuff now. I don't know what to fucking say, do I, Paul?

That's it, you say? Thank you for coming to see Cheap Show 101. Hope you had a lovely time. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's Paul Rose. That's Stuart Ashen. That's Ash. We've had Chris and Izzy at the back doing all the techie stuff.

We've had Joe helping us out selling badges. You've been Eli Silverman. and I've been Paul Gannon. That's all you've got to say. Just what he said then. Yeah, that then. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Take care.

Take your glasses out with you. Have a lovely night. Thanks for supporting us. Thank you very much and good night.