CheapShow - Ep 103: #NoelWatch

Episode Date: November 23, 2018

Warning: This episode includes new Noel Edmonds content. Do not say you have not been warned... Of course we do have other things in the show we'd love you to know about. Like when we sample the lovely edible Japanese treats as given to us at our recent live show... However, people want to know about Noel (Sodding) Edmonds. We'd love to fill you in on some of the weird savoury treats on offer. But Noel has joined the ITV show "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" so now we have to tackle it! There's also a gross Japanese chicken face mask to wear too... And again, that damned infamous "cuddly" UK TV show presenter and "disc jockey" has to drop a bomb on us about his "other female confident". Will we ever be rid of The Edmonds? And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos and the full live show on YouTube can be found at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, Eli Silverman here. Welcome to another episode of Cheap Show, and here's the other host of the show, Paul Gannon. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap so you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of shite. How's the big guy?

The price of the site? This is for Gavin saying hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Geek Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Right, is that it? That's it. That's it, that'll do.

A nice clean one. No messing about. Subverting expectations. Well, look, I don't know if it's subverted expectations. Do you know what, Paul? What? I feel like a corpse speaking. Okay.

I feel like a corpse. Corpse. Why? Because I drank too much last much. Oh, dear. Oh. Same shit, different day. Isn't it? With you. Mate.

Did you know Mr. Blobby had a wife? He did. Yeah. Also, I'm just going to hand you this document. Yeah. Oh, he's handing me a document. You were asking about it. What?

Give me a minute. What? Seriously. You were asking, Paul, so. Yeah. Here it is. What? I'll hand that to you.

Officially. It's my CRB check. What does that mean? I ain't done no kids or nothing. Or robbed anyone or nothing like that. So this form that you've given me says that police records of convictions, cautions, reprimands and warnings

non-recorded. Thank you very much. I'm a stand-up member of this society. Why? Why? You asked. Don't go play the innocent with me now.

You asked. You said, I'm not going to carry on with you. I don't feel safe in the House of Pickles. It might be a murder hotel of some sort.

You said to me and I said, I will prove to you I'm clean as a whistle, Governor. So you went and got CRB checks? Yeah, 25 quid it cost. Just, wow. Okay.

So, yeah. I literally don't know what to say to that. I don't. I mean, well done. Well done for not committing any crimes. Yeah, well done for not, yeah, well, there's the rub. Or did I? Ah, dun, dun, dun. What a cliffhanger. committing any crimes or getting caught well there's the robber or did I ah

dun dun dun what a cliffhanger see you next time on Cheap Show spoiler warning I didn't good but we don't know now

I didn't do nothing you've laid the seeds of doubt so is it is it 103 episode 103 yes 101th 102th

103th so it's the 103th episode Of Chap Show Or Chepstow Someone saw my badge And she goes why do you like Chepstow And I was like what Your badge says Chepstow

And she said I'm from Cockermouth Want to see me play What I'm a corpse You just wanted to say Cockermouth. Want to see me play? What? I'm a corpse. You just wanted to say cockermouth. Yes, I did. You were supposed to say, oh, cockermouth. I shoehorned in cockermouth.

Yeah, because why? Just sounded nice. I got nothing this week. You got nothing? Honestly, Paul, I've got nothing this week, man. I'm sorry. I've got my CRB, so that's one thing. Yeah, all right.

Well, congratulations. You're not a Yeah, all right. Well, congratulations. You're not... A criminal. A criminal. So, what have we got coming up on the show this week? Well, first up is Eli fucks a chimp. Whoa. What's that?

That's where we get a chimp out, donated by a fan. Oh, we get a chimp, do we? Yeah. Is that your go-to comedy animal? No. I don't think I've used a chimp. Think of a better fan. Oh, we get a chimp, do we? Is that your go-to comedy animal? No! Think of a better animal. Not chimp, no. Do you know I'd like to?

Platypus. Kinky. Yeah? Why? Because he's endangered. He's a vulnerable. That's horrible I've got to think for monotremes

in distress wow well I think we'll be taking another CRB check sometime soon no I'll put him

in a tank and everything keep him happy do you know they're venomous are they yeah they're one of the

only venomous how do they inject their venom how do they inject their venom? How do they... I don't know. Through their knob, probably. Okay, Google.

He gave me a look, ladies and gentlemen, when I said through their knob. Venomous platypus. Great album title. According to poisonous nature biodiversity library exhibitions,

the platypus is classified among egg-laying mammals, monotremes. Male platypuses have a poison apparatus on their hind legs. Blah. blah I call that dangerous yeah it's not dangerous but it's dangerous yeah

you wouldn't want it to happen to you. It's dangerous. Well, there you go. Who said you don't learn anything on Cheap Show? Me. You don't learn anything on Cheap Show. No, we've got lots of lovely things coming up on the Economy Comedy Podcast today.

Okay, like. So, join the show. The live show. Stacey gave us a little bag full of Japanese treats and candies. We'll be just diving into those because there's going to be a lot of them. So I'm going to set a limit. We're going to give ourselves just half an hour to burn through as much as we can. All right?

Yes. Otherwise, we'll wander. We've got to be focused and we've got to be driven and we've got to get through this. Taste the shit out of a bunch of Japanese food. I've got to get through this. Blum, blum, blum. Got to get through this. Blum, blum. Got to get through this. Blum, blum, blum. Got to get through this. Blum, blum.

Got to get through this. Blum, blum, blum. Barrel. The sound of two men scraping a barrel. Yeah. Anyway, we got that. And then, we didn't think we'd be back so soon, but it's Noel Edmonds' watch. Woo!

Woo! Yeah. The Edmonds. The Edmonds. Has risen from his grave. And is on the prowl. For the format of the show, we'd expunged him. Well, we'd had expunged him because cheap, cheap, cheap.

It was over. Yeah, so we've kind of... A little mini kind of vocal pod exorcist, you could argue. But no, he's back. And if this is the sequel, this is like The Heretic. If you've seen The Heretic. No. Have you never seen Exorcist 2, The Heretic? No. It's just called Exorcist 2, isn't it? Exorcist 2, The Heretic?

Yes, I've seen that. No, isn't Exorcist 3 called The Heretic? Yeah. Or Legacy? No, 2 is The Heretic. Yeah. With Fafizuzu. Yeah. And James Earl Jones. Yeah. I've never seen it. It stinks. I saw number three in the cinema.

That's the one that's mostly like a crime thriller but then it's got that great shock shot. They had to throw in a possession. Yeah, an exorcism at the end of the movie just to please the studio. Well, it's called Exorcist 3, mate. There's no exorcism in it, is there?

Well, put one in. Put one in it's called exorcist free mate there's no exorcism in it is there well put one in put one in sick of exorcism just put one in go on i like to do that on a saturday night when it's a bit dull yeah put an exorcism on yeah how does that go well i just get possessed by a demon yeah call my mate yeah priest priesty bob Priesty Bob. Priesty Bob comes round. Yeah. He says, out, evil spirits, out. Yeah. And I go, and it comes at me. Yeah. A big gooey blob.

Yeah, and then it what, crawls away? It sort of goes, I'm half formed. But where's it go? It kind of sticks to the ceiling, and then you have to sponge it off. Oh, right, okay. So you have to just clean it out. Clean out my demon cage.

Yeah, all right. Well, that's good. Empty, empty barrel. So let's just crack on with the show. One star. Should I say fuck? Yeah, go on. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Well, Stacey gave us a bag of stuff to eat. So, this is a special cheap eats Japanese edition? I guess so. Now, I'm reasonably aware that you can't eat fish. There's not that much fish stuff in this. You ate it on the live show.

But how would you know? Because there's a list of stuff. She gave us a list of what everything is in the bag. So we know what we're putting

in our mouths. That's squid jerky. That was pure essence of evil. Yeah, it was. So we're going to try and get through this in about half an hour, right? Okay.

So we're going to stop the clock. I'm going to do it now. We have to stop at half an hour. Yeah, I'm going So we're going to try and get through this in about half an hour, right? Okay. So we're going to stop the clock. I'm going to do it now. You have to stop at half an hour? Yeah, I'm going to do this now. I'm setting a timer. I'm cleaning out my palette internally. All right, I'm doing it now. I'm resetting it.

Hang on. Delete. So what? 30 minutes. We're off. And we're off. So the first thing I want to get out of the way right now is something I've got to get out of the way right now first. Right.

It's this. Fish. It's not. It says gift for Paul. Do not eat. Pure smile. What do you think it is? Have a quick look.

You're not allowed to look at the back. It has a picture of a bird. A chicken. A chicken on it. Yeah. Pure smile. Right. I'll tell you what it is because we're not messing about, Daddy-O. This is a face mask. You open it,

you peel it, you put it on your face for 25 minutes, 15, 20 minutes. It's a face mask. I'm going to put it on. Are you putting it on now? Yeah. And you're going to have to take a picture of me. Okay. Alright. I'm up for this. Give it a smell. Does it have a smell? Is it a wet mask? I don't know what it smells like.

It smells like artificial raspberry. Oh yeah, it does a little bit. A little bit. It's got a fishy undertone, mate. Has it? Yeah. Yes. Yes, it does. The following signs occur.

Please stop using immediately and consult a dermatologist. Oh no. Oh God. Sweaty, itchy, red, it does. The following signs occur. Please stop using immediately and consult a dermatologist. Oh, God. Sweaty, itchy, red, swollen things. You are allergic to fish. There's fish in that. You're going to blow up like a red balloon. No, there's no fish in this. There's no fish in this.

99 red balloons. Paul is in the fucking sky. He is going out today. And what's he done with his face mask on? I don't even want to put this on actually. Is it slimy? What is this? It's chicken.

It's got a chicken design on it. It's not. Well, then it can't be fish. Just by logic. It can be fish. Anything can be fish. What is this? It is slimy.

Oh, it's slimy as fuck. I was going to put this on. It's juicing all over your fingers. I was going to put this on. It's juicing all over your fingers. I was going to put this on, but I'm definitely not going to put... No, mate, don't put this on. Paul, it's for you. You have to put it on. I can't put this on.

Oh, that's a slimy chicken face mask. That is the slimiest chicken. It's a bit torn. Mate, you're fucking it up. Let me have a go. Oh, it's coming. You're doing it wrong. I'm not doing it wrong. It me have a go. Oh, it's coming. You're doing it wrong. I'm not doing it wrong.

It's slimy as fuck. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. Look at the top. Put it on. I'm not putting that on. Put it on. There it is.

Look at that. It looks like a... Oh, go on. Put it on. I'm not putting that on. I'm putting it on then. Mate, do you really? One of us has to put it on.

All right, then it's you. Oh, God. It's probably good for you. Oh. It's good for you. It looks like, oh, it looks like a Mexican wrestler. Right, hang on. I smell bad.

Oh, it's all dripping on the side of me. Wow, that is. Wait, you've got to leave that on for 15 minutes? You dickhead. I'll still be able to get stuff in my mouth. Yeah, you will, but it's... Hand me something. It's like...

We have to hurry up. I know, but it's... It's unpleasant as fuck. It's slimy on my face. What's it for? It's a face mask. For what? Your skin.

So my skin will benefit from this? Yeah. I hope. Anyway, we've got to move on. Am I starting to swell up? No. You can get rid of that any time you want, if you really want, actually, though. You're going to have to wait for 15 minutes, because you're right, it might interfere with all the eating.

I'll try one thing. Stick it in my mouth through the slit. Let's find the paper with all the information on. Right. Paul and Eli, I'm a lover of Japanese snacks and here's a collection of weird, wonderful and interesting. Hope you enjoy the snacks and thank you for the show. Below is a menu of what is on offer.

I've also included some erasers for Eli and a chicken face mask for Paul. I'm wearing the chicken face mask. Yeah, it's like Hannibal Lecter's in the room. Time for the erasers. Here's one. What do you think of that? Oh, fucking excellent. I saw this at the time.

Yeah. This is a Hot Wheels car, but it's an eraser. And... I honestly didn't even know it was an eraser when I saw it. I was like, oh, a little car. A hard shell eraser. So it actually has a bit of metal

on it and that will go for my other two items I've got a bubble blowing one and also the UFO from the Jetsons two very very cool

little racing cars very nice I like Hot Wheels here's the next eraser oh it's pizza it's an eraser but it's a pizza

and it looks like a deep pat oh god what it's like someone spat at me and it's all on my But it's a pizza. Oh, God. What? It's like someone spat at me. And it's all on my face. Where's the bin?

This is coming off and peeling it off. Oh, it's nasty. What is that for? Chicken mask. Chicken mask. Oh, oh, oh. Right, can I dry my face? Or what am I going to do? Leave the slime on? Right. Yeah, well, just. Right, can I dry my face? Or what am I going to do?

Leave the slime on? Right. Yeah. Well, just rub it on your nest. On your bed sheets. Come on. Time is of essence. Oh, this is fucking excellent.

I love this pizza eraser. Yeah? I've got a proper little collection going now. You like it? The nice little collection as well. Really interesting stuff like we found that in the last episode with all the battleships and everything. Yeah. Yeah. It'ships and everything. Yeah.

Yeah, it's good. Yeah, yeah. So let's get kicking off with all this stuff then. Shrimp mayonnaise umabou. Umabou. Monster munch texture, she says. So let's have a little look at that. Well, you can eat it then, can't you?

I can, and I will. Is that right? No, that's the second one. We're trying to match the items to the list. Here we go, I found it. She's actually taken photos. It's very... Yeah.

Right, so what does she say this is? It just says shrimp mayonnaise umabo. And it has a cat, a cartoon cat, who is fishing. Yeah. And there's a little lobster. Yeah. Cheeky lobster. Cheeky lobster.

Who is cutting the cat's net. Yeah. And there's another lobster in the air. Yeah. Riding a mayonnaise bottle. Well, I've got another one that's similar. Oh, it is. It's like a giant fucking monster munch.

Oh. It's like a stick of giant monster munch. Look at this. I've got one too, but this one is cheese. Well, you can have that one then. And this one's got what looks like an animal of some kind singing into a microphone with a head. Smell this. All right, hang on one second.

Smell this. Let me just finish describing this. Smell my fish stick. It's a cat in a little suit singing into a microphone with its own face, playing along with a band made up of sunflowers playing guitars. No cheese then? No.

At least mine's got themes. It's got the smell my fishy stick. Ooh, it's very fishy. Very fishy. I don't like it. It is, isn't it? I'm going in. He's going in. I'm going to open this one. I need water We don't have any

Go get some then Well you go and do it I'll eat the cheese one Don't eat another bit if you don't like it It's actually quite nice What's the reaction for? It's just very strange I've never had a corn based fish snack

Before in my life I guess that's a corn-based fish snack before in my life. I guess that's a good point. Is the prawn flavoured like Skips? Yeah, you're right. You carry on the podcast out there. Fucking hell. Right, I'm going to try the cheesy one. Again, it looks the same.

It looks like a massive, big, monster munch finger. It's cheesy and I have a little bit. I'm not going to be as zealous, as overzealous as Eli was. Fucking hell. It's strong cheese flavour. Have a bite of that. That's like a fucking massive cylindrical

what's it, isn't it? That's a lot of flavour. Oh, it's quite nice. Don't you think? It settles after a while, but that first bite's really intense. Very sweet. It's sweet cheese.

Yeah. Oh, but it's got a very deep, cheesy, cheesy flavour to it. Yeah. Anyway, moving on. Happy turn. You like those?

You didn't like it? Oh, yeah. Let's just give it thumbs up or thumbs down. Thumbs up, but I would nibble that all the way down. I would eat it.

I'd suck it down. I bet you would.ble that all the way down i would eat it i'd suck it down i bet you would it's a bit of a shock of that one all right next one happy turn happy turn soy sauce cheese flavor oh yeah cheesy soy crisps stroke biscuits blow cheese my mouth with your soy flavored cheese is this it oh god I've still got slime on my face. Yeah, no, it's this one. So this is the Happy Turn soy sauce cheese flavour. Get them out. They look like wafer biscuits.

Look, there's some kind of cheese in distress. He's saying, oh, no, don't eat me. I'm King Cheese. I'm King Cheese and don't eat me. Oh, fucking hell. Someone's put jam on me cheese. Oh. They have. No, they've put soy sauce on me cheese. Oh, there's soy sauce on me cheese.

That's quite an unorthodox thing. It's not? Well, apparently not. What's the half like? What's the half saying? Interesting. I don't know. It's sweet.

Oh. Really? Really? They. It's sweet. Oh. Really? They're all individually wrapped. Yeah. They're little cheese and soy biscuits. Yeah. Right, I've taken one out. It's got a translucent purple printed wrapper, like a boiled sweet or something.

I guess it's right. It's like a biscuit in a boiled sweet wrapper. Smell of soy sauce. Yeah. It's rice cracker they're kind of similar you get things that are smaller in those packs of

Japanese cracker mix you know I like that yeah thumbs up right definite thumbs up that's nice

right we've got to get through this we've got to get through this Don Amon gummies grape flavoured sticky gummies I like those cheese and soy sauce ones yeah they are nice they've got to get through this. Goday Mon gummies. Grape flavoured sticky gummies. I like those cheese and soy sauce ones. They are nice. They've got a nice moorish aftertaste. Captain Cheese. That was my ex's

nickname for the older... Fuck. Did I used to do stuff that was funny on this podcast? No, I don't remember you ever doing anything fucking funny on this pod. Right, here we go. What's doing anything fucking funny on this pod. Right. Here we go. What's this then?

These are the grape gummies. Yeah. Yeah. We're happy with grape. Yeah, I like the grape flavour. It's got one of those cats on it. Yeah. I think that's what Dorimon is. I think it's that character.

That's an actual character, isn't it? These are great. Oh, they're like little mini... Those are those ones! Yeah? They're like those ones. Which are the He-Man ones. Yeah're like little mini... Those are those ones! Yeah? They're like those ones, which the He-Man ones. Yeah, like little... There's a door.

Ashton's... Toast. Ashton's tasted some on a recent Loot Crate episode, and he said they were lovely. They are lovely. You just don't see this a lot in this country, but they're kept with the tray-based gummy, basically. I can't peel that fucking one out. Peel the gummy out of its trough. I can't. this a lot in this country, but they've kept with the tray-based gummy, basically. I can't peel that fucking one out.

Peel the gummy out of its trough. I can't. It's really sticky. Oh, mate, you're fucking everything up today. I'm having this. For fuck's sake. Is it grapey? Yeah.

It's got that American grapey taste. They are quite hard to get out, aren't they? Yeah, see? I wasn't just being a klutz. Nice. That's stuck totally to the inside of it. Yeah, it's quite intensely stuck. In transit, it must have.

I've got it. I forgot to take pictures of this. You need to take pictures. Well, I'll take one of them after. It's fine. Okay, they're still there. It's quite well carved. You've got the cat and his little tambourine,

and I'm about to eat a door. Well, I bet you've never said that before. Grapey. Grapey. Thumbs up or thumbs down? Thumbs up for me. I'll thumbs up that. that before. Grapey. Grapey. Thumbs up or thumbs down? Thumbs up for me. I'll thumbs up that. Yeah.

Right, next one. Oh, it's a Kit Kat. Ikinari Dango Japanese Kit Kats. Oh, yeah. Ikinari Dango flavour. Mochi filled with sweet potato and azuki red bean. Oh. That's novel, isn't it?

That's novel, ladies and gentlemen. Let's have a look at fucking At fucking Kit Kats You have a look at those you fuck There's lots of little novelty Kit Kats Little novelty Kit Kats They're all the same though right I might do the rest of the segment in this voice

No don't Ah there's a bear What? The bear's doing different things on different packets. Don't get caught in the trap. He looks startled in that picture. What about that bear? He looks happy and greedy. It's different, but is it the same flavour?

Yeah, probably. Collect them all. Collect all the bear expressions. Is there another one on the third? Oh, he's giggling, Paul. The bear is giggling on this one. Look. He's having a little giggle he's covering his mouth what he's thinking

is I did a shit because I do because I'm a bear in the woods in the woods but he didn't stay in the woods he all got stuck to my hair

and it's drying out he's got clag nuts he's got a fucking clag clag wedge he's got he's got a huge clag wedge

clag boulders up his back yeah he's got a huge Clag Wedge. Clag Boulders. Up his back. Yeah. He's got a big... Great, one star content. There we go. He's got a bear with shit on his legs. A big line of dried shit up his back.

Come on. We're meant to be eating these. There's no other variations. No, just eat one. Come on, we're meant to be tasting them. Not fucking... I don't know. Hey, this is a bear and so is Poindexter.

Stop. Just give me a biscuit. Let me eat one. It's not an evaluation of the moods of an imaginary bear. Hello, Kit Kat bear. Oh, it's white chocolate. Oh. Whoa.

Oh, I don't like white chocolate. I can't eat it. I'm going to have a nibble, though. Have a nibble. He's making a face, ladies and gentlemen. Very flowery. And surprisingly chewy. Is that a thumbs down from you, ladies and gentlemen. Very flowery. And surprisingly chewy. Is that a thumbs down from you, though?

Yeah. Oh, it has a kind of floral. Yeah. It's strange. Potpourri almost, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, not very nice. Thumbs down.

Our first thumbs down. It's a shame, isn't it? Actually, no. All right, It's a shame, isn't it? Actually, no. All right, there's a Mejai Takanokos Noseto Cookies and Cream Cookies and Cream Biscuit. Oreo tasting. All right.

Let's go in the magic bag. I'll go in there. Do you know what? I might return to my fish stick just as a palate cleanser. Where is it? Is this it? Oh, it's in a box.

I was misguided. What's on the box? How are we doing for time? How long have we got? 15 minutes. We're halfway through. We're not doing too badly. How many more have we got?

About another seven. Fuck. How many have we done? Seven. Come on. All right. Come on. I'm opening these cookie and vanilla.

What are they? They're little biscuits, aren't they? There's a bag in the box. Oh, there's a bag in the box, and he's vitally pulled it from the box. And there's some pink landscape design on the bag. Yeah. Oh, he's not happy with the hoof.

What is it? It's a very strange hoof. Oh, you can definitely tell it's cookies and cream, though, from that hoof. Can you? Yeah, it's got that vanilla-y. I don't like the sweet

stuff as much as the savoury stuff. No. Let's find, it's like a creamy, creamy top on a little chalky biscuit. It's a horn-shaped cream.

Yeah, I've got the horn of you. I'm going to put the horn in my mouth, Eli. Eli, I'm going to put the horn in my mouth. Put it right in your

mouth. Can I put my horn in your mouth? No. Or should I just put, can I put the horn in my mouth. Put it right in your mouth. Can I put my horn in your mouth? No. Or should I just put... Can I have your horn in my mouth? Take my fucking creamy... Eli, can I put your horn in my mouth? Oh, what about these cookies?

You love wanking your mouth. Well, this biscuit is not great, but it's an improvement on the Kit Kat for me. Yeah. I think they're quite nice. Lacking in flavour a little bit. No, quite nice. They're all right, but it's an improvement on the Kit Kat for me. Yeah. I think they're quite nice. Lacking in flavour a little bit. No, quite nice. They're all right, but for me, lacking.

Very creamy. I'm going to have to put my hand like this, flat. You're doing a flat hand? Yeah. Not thumbs up, not thumbs down. I'm going to go flat with that. You're introducing a third option. Yep.

Next one. I'm putting Poindexter next to my tit. Look, I've nuzzling Poindexter. This is melon cream soda crisps. Wow! This is fascinating. So it's a chip that's flavoured with melon cream soda. And there's a little cat.

One thing that they love is potato with sweet because they have... Is it a Melanie crisp smell? Oh, that's terrible. That is ungodly. Is that a sniff?

Well, I'm just going to have to dive right in. It's a crisp and it smells like melon sweets. It does, doesn't it? It's got that soda melon kind of sniff to it. Oh, no, these are not. I don't hate it. I don't like that at all. Oh, that's just bizarre.

It's a crisp that tastes of a sweet. I know, but I don't hate it, weirdly. Oh, and the potato comes through really earthy at the end. Right, doesn't it? You've got that sweet aftertaste of the cream soda just bubbling away. And the melon soda. Right, well. I do not like it.

It just thumbs down for me. Okay, well let's go on to another. Do they make that because people actually want to eat that? I mean, I don't know. Or is it just because

they can, you know? They didn't ask, stop and ask, should they do it? No. And we can do it, but should we, you know? Well, let's hope that

this cleans the palate somewhat. Oh, God. This is grape soda gummies. Oh, yeah. Nice. These will be nice. One each. And there's dirt one each. Oh, it's like a big cola bottle. It is a big cola bottle, like a big fang-tastic cola bottle. It's a big grape soda cola bottle. Very attractive. Very attractive gummy when you pull it out. It's very lovely. I'm gonna go right in and bite it now.

Oh, it's a very tough bite. Quite a tough gum. Again, it has that kind of floral thing that's unique to this Japanese, do you know what I mean? It's got a nice lingering flavour though. The first bite's not too impressive, but then the juices start to kind of complement. It's just too, it's too perfumey. Yeah? Yeah. Did you prefer the other grape gummy one? Much, much preferred that. Yeah? This is fine. This is the thumbs up for me.

This is the thumbs down for me. Oh! Do you know what? It's all going around in my belly like a big washing machine. Squid jerky we did on episode 101. Oh, God. It's like eating fucking detergent or something, that thing. Next one is Chocolate Kinako Mochichi diy kit it contains a little mochi

plus sachets of chocolate sauce oh we're gonna do some craft and kinako roasted soybean powder for dipping am i gonna do some crafts i'll let you do this one then okay i believe i believe i believe that's it what do i have to do i don't know this might sound like it's in japanese it might also have english on. That mask did. What's he doing? There's a pink bunny rabbit doing something. Ten minutes left. You fuck. Alright, here we go. Choco

Kinako Mochi. Mochi is like a... I think it's like a rice sort of thing. Oh, here we go. Oh, it's like a little noodle pack, isn't it? There's a little pellet. I might have to take a picture of this then while you've got it open. Can you put it on the camera, love?

There's some pellets there. And what else, love? What else, love? Some powder and a wet pack. Put it in shot, love. Oh. Put it in shot, love. All right, so basically that's what I do. I pour it out into here, don't I?

Yeah, but let me take a little picture. Right, that was awful picture. No, don't put that up. Don't delete that. I'm not. Delete it. I'm not. I'll delete it.

I've deleted it. You have not. Nine and a half minutes. Come on. Tell me what I need to do. Read it. So it says you pour brown powder into that deep well. Well, I've got powder and the other thing is not powder.

Oh, it's leaking. Oh, you've got it on your kegs. You pour the powder into that deep well and then the other wet powder into the other shallower. It's not wet powder. Wet powder is known as paste. Wet paste. Right. Why don't you just take it?

Oh, hold it. There you go. In there? Yeah. And then you Why don't you just take it? Oh, hold it. There you go. In there? Yeah, and then you dip your little white thing in it, and then in the brown thing, and then you eat it. So then you've got to squirt the brown thing in the other trough. Seems like a bit of... This is going to be disgusting as well.

Oh! It's like poo play! He loves it! Eli loves a bit of poo play! Eli loves a bit of poo play he loves it eli loves a bit of poo play eli loves a bit of poo play does that not look like a particularly unhappy squeeze out i've said it before and i'll say it again it's very fecal so oh it's ploppy it's all ploppy it's all ploppy though so you take that little fork you were given you go on you do it you take i don on, you do it I don't want to taste it You don't want to taste this?

Nah, it's alright What do you mean it's alright? It's not alright, we're in this together Paul Don't tell me to fuck off I'm doing it, eat that, we've got time on the clock I'm not eating this, if you refuse to eat anything that's a bit weird Fuck, alright, look Fuck the fork

Stop playing with poo I've got to get all the squeeze out You're taking time, you're taking too playing with poo. I've got to get all the... You don't. You're taking time. You're taking too much time pooing. We've got to hurry up. Come on. Right, I'm dipping it in the powder. Great.

No, you've got to dip it in the wet stuff first. It says powder then this. I'm going to do that anyway. Look, I've done it. This is a weird and disgusting thing. I'm eating it now. That's nasty. I'm going to take the fork.

It won't go in the... It won't go in there. What am I going to do? I wonder if it's a bit stale. Because it says it's very soft and gooey on the packet. But to be honest, that's dry as fuck. That is disgusting. Look at this thing you're making me eat. Oh, it does say add water.

Oh, oh, fucking hell. You meant to dribble water in the bowl. Or sprinkle it with water. Oh, you've got some water. There we go. Then you slop it around until it's all wet and sticky and then you do it all over again. Alright. Here we go. I'm going to go on to another item

while you're doing that. Oh, it's come alive. There's Pokemon noodles which we'll save for Urban Kitchen. Oh, that's not very nice. We're juggling segments oh it's very mochi that's got a very Japanese vibe to it

yeah no no no no not a big fan thumbs down what is it

the mochi dippers thumbs up or thumbs down I don't know it's all gooey now I don't know who I am anymore what are we doing what are we doing I'm going to eat some colon.

What's it called? Colon. Strawberry colon, which is a little wafer with a strawberry filling. Are you sure this isn't one of those? Because they do have stuff that makes your poo smell like flowers. No. Maybe it's a colon cleaner. This says, Chris, wait

for biscuit rolls with a sweet strawberry cream filling. Little bag in a box. If they do have that as a format, they go for a lot as well, isn't it? What's the half side? It's very, you know, strawberry ice creamy. Oh, God, not more. I can't bear it. Here we go.

I'm eating it. Oh, I can't eat it. You eat that. I had the mochi. Yeah, fair enough. Oh. Very intense strawberry cream flavour. I can imagine it. If there was more wafer, it might be nicer, but there's too flavour. I can imagine it.

If there was more wafer, it might be nicer, but there's too much cream. Too much cream. Right. That's what she said. Wow. What's next? Oh, here we go. Castle Guy mini candies.

Chalky style candy. Chalky style. Like a non-perfume fruit parma violet. Non-perfumes yeah we'll be the judge we'll be the judge of that there you go there's one

there's a happy elephant on this come in little packets like little Haribo packets and his mouth is see-through and you can see his teeth are all this sweet yeah

there's instructions down the side to do something with it but they're too small for me what do you think? very chalky well they did say chalky they are just like exactly as me what do you think very chalky well they did say chalky just like exactly as she describes it they are very chalky a non-floral palma violet or what were those love

hearts it's like that love heart as well yeah like a very chalky love yeah like soft chalky not like hard chalky this is very kind of they're oh you know what they're like those lucasade tablet things remember those yeah glucose tablets exactly like this but we're obviously about You know what they're like? Those Lucozade tablet things. Remember those? Yeah. Glucose tablets. Exactly like this. But we're obviously about Lucozade flavour. Thumbs up from me.

Thumbs up. I quite like those. I don't hate them. They're fruity. As I said, just Pokemon noodles we'll do in a forthcoming urban kitchen. Okay. So we'll talk about that then. That's a Pokemon noodle.

We're going to do that in the forthcoming Eli's Urban Wasabi Kit Kat Urban Realness Noodle Kitchen. Wasabi Kit Kat. Oh, Wasabi Kit Kat. We've got four minutes. I think

this is the second to last. Why are they all white chocolate? Because I guess it wouldn't work with dark chocolate. I don't know. I just taste I can't The wasabi is very weak. I don't know. I just taste... I can't... The wasabi is very weak.

Yeah. It's more of a background thing. It just tastes like white chocolate. No, actually, I'm getting a bit of wasabi. Why do you do that? You have this opinion instantly, and you're, oh, I hate this, hate this. Actually, this is the best thing I've ever fucking done.

You tell a story, Paul. No, it's just a... I've been broadcasting for seven years now, and I know you say, hello, you cunt. No, you don't. If you've been broadcasting for seven years, that's the first thing you learn not to say.

You say, hello, cunt. No. Who wants it? Right. The last thing is this. It is the... Bum eggs. Poo-cho.

It looks like those bum toys for sex. It is the... Bum eggs. Poo-cho... It looks like those bum toys for sex. It's not. It does. It's the... Look, tell me that doesn't look like bum toys for sex. It looks a little bit like some kind of... Take a photo of it. Right.

So, can we open the candies, please? They are... I'm opening them. Tiny sweet and sour cherry gummies. Remind me of cherry lips without the perfume. This is a fortune inside the cap, which could also be used as a toy. What? Let's read the fortune. Wait. There's nothing on the label. No. No. It's inside the perfume. This is a fortune inside the cap, which could also be used as a toy. All right, let's read the fortune. Wait, is there nothing on the label?

No. No, it's inside the cap. Oh. What does it say? No, there's nothing in there. It must have been on the label, which I've torn. Sorry.

It says, you are... Oh, these look nice. Let's have a look at the lid. It has the letter B. They're very tough. Oh, let's have a little look. Oh, they are like little cherry lips, but orange. They've got a distinct cherry flavour.

Oh, I like these. You like those? They get a thumbs up from me. Nice little things. But, Eli, I want to go back to the lid. Because on the lid there are markings. I don't know what they mean. Like, the front of it is a little face, I think,

with a little flower on the side. And at the back, it has an ace of, I think, with a little flower on the side. And at the back, it has an ace of spades with a three on it. Really? And then underneath, it just has the letter B. So that must be the... But I don't know what all that means. Well, it's like charms, isn't it? And it's like, ooh, there is the ace of spades, yeah.

So I wonder what it means. It's a face. He's a sad lid. Where's the other side of the lid? You know what that would do? You know what that would be perfect for? What? Sticking on the end of my knob. Fuck's sake.

It would be though. Yeah, it says something about turning the lid upside down. Inside out. There you go, it's a little popper. It's a little popper. Oh, here it goes. Oh, come on. It's a little popper. It's a little popper. Oh. Here it goes. Oh. Here it goes. Come on. It's gonna pop. It's gonna pop. Oh, come on. Fuck's sake.

Is it gonna pop, though? No. Is it just inside out? Yeah. Oh. That's bullshit. It just says turn it inside out, and then... But then I don't know. Because it's really tiny. Even if I got my translator out on the phone, I don't think I could... Translate that? Oi! Oi! Fucking hell! I don't know because it's really tiny even if I got my translator out on the phone I don't think I could translate that hey

no fucking hell it's a little popper Paul so you do it you put it you do it upside down oh then put it like that way

and then it goes five four three two one there we go we got through it all

and what was your favourite Paul what was your favourite the last one I like the gummy little cherry little things the tiny little gummy cherry things yeah I did I like that a lot I think I like that cheese one There we go. We got through it all. And what was your favourite, Paul? What was your favourite? The last one. I liked the gummy little cherry little things. The tiny little gummy cherry things. Yeah, I did. I like that a lot. I think I like that cheese wand.

You like the big cheese wand? I like the big cheese wand. Well. Oh, no. My favourite thing, which I would actually eat. Yeah. Is the cheese and soy sauce flavoured crackers. Okay.

Well, thank you again, Stacey. You like those cherry things, do you? Yeah, I like gummies, though. That's my favourite thing. You want to stick that in your arsehole. No, thank you again, Stacey. You like those cherry things, do you? Yeah, I like gummies, though. That's my favourite thing. You want to stick that in your arsehole. No, I don't! Yes, a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. But... I only put it in a little bit. I want to pull it... I promise.

I just want those two in. Just two ridges, yeah. It's like two noblets. And then you'll have that sticking out. Yeah, because I don't want that bit going in. Why? Because you get a suction thing going on. The lid might come off and awkward. So if I put it in the flat end first, yes, it's going to be harder on entry.

You know what was the worst thing with these mochi things? Add water. What? You didn't say. You just said, do you know what the worst thing is? And then you didn't say anything. No, the worst things were the melon soda flavour. Oh, really?

You didn't like those, did you? I don't love them. Would you eat the rest of those? No, but I didn't... I wasn't as repulsed as you. What a strange food culture they have. But interesting. Yeah.

Interesting all the same. You didn't like the squid jerky, did you? No, I like squid. Yeah. And there are... You can get squid, dried squid, that's nice,

and that was different. It was a real jerky. You had to real masticate it to get it going. But then your hard work is rewarded with what? The stench of a thousand dead, rotten fish. When you put it like that, you couldn't put it better. Basically, it's they take the gel that congeals on the deck of fishing vessels. And they just dry it.

They just squeegee it. Like abattoir force. it. They just squeegee. Like abattoir force. They tramp cam underscore squeegee it off. Hey! He said it. And if you've been affected by anything you've heard on the Cheap Show podcast this week,

please call the number currently running along the bottom of this audio file. Oh! The Cheap Show train keeps moving and it's time to go pulling into the station. We didn't think we's time to go pulling into the station. We didn't think we'd ever have to pull into the station ever again,

but the Cheap Show fun train is coming to an emergency stop. It's coming in to Knowlesville. Knowlesville, we've pulled into Crinkly Bottom. We'll be arriving in Knowlesville. Itlesville. We've pulled into Crinkly Bottom. We'll be arriving in Knowlesville. It's awkward and smelly. So, the reason why we're bringing Knowle up again is for two reasons. Two. What are those reasons?

I thought I'd seen the back of the Edmonds, but... Well, one is we were given at one of the live shows a piece of vinyl. And I never thought I'd see the day I'd get my hands on this. But it is an album called Noel's Funny Phone Calls. Now, I'm going to say there are four statements on this, and only one of them is false. What do you think, out of those four words, is the one that I think shouldn't be there?

Funny. Yeah. They're not funny. We've listened to it, ladies and gentlemen. We have. It was given to us at the show. Sorry for forgetting who you are,

but if you were getting to it. You forget who everyone is. Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. But it comes out 1981 and it's basically a collection of Noel Evans doing funny prank phone calls. And they all follow the same format.

Can I read out, before we get into the meat of it, can I read out his statement on the back? Okay, read that out. No one's written a bit of something on the back. It was during the second of my five years presenting the Radio 1 breakfast show. Oh, backpackington!

I accidentally discovered the popularity of funny phone calls. Me, my beard, everything I do. Right. Ever since the telephone became a wildly accepted part of everyday life, people have been fooling relatives. About 50 years ago. Yeah. Friends and business associates with silly voices and spoof

messages. However, I believe that I was the first disc jockey to regularly use these calls as a radio version. I was the first! A radio version of Candid Camera. Yes. I don't think first radio version of Candid Camera I don't think he was the first I don't think he was at all

the first there must have been American DJs doing that undoubtedly was American DJs doing that before Australian fucking radio people

doing prank calls now what do you think of prank calls I personally hate them don't like them I don't like them that's me personally

it's a dead form isn't it because these days people still do it? All the fucking time. Think of YouTubers and all that kind of shit. There's still all that going on. And Australia still use it as breakfast

thing. Really? There was that one where they called up Princess Diana or something. They called up Jordan's kid. I can't fucking remember now. Russell Brand. No, that was his show. Oh, they called up Jordan's, oh, I can't fucking remember now. Russell Brand. No,

that was, that was his show. Yeah, when he was like, he called up. I met her. Who? Sax's granddaughter.

Andrew, what's his name from Forty Towers? Andrew Sax. Andrew Sax and his daughter. His granddaughter. So,

someone called up Andrew Sax and said what on the show? I fucked your daughter. Really? I fucked your granddaughter. Really? I fucked your granddaughter. Really? Yeah, that's what Russell Brand did. And then he got banned on the Jonathan Ross show.

And again, it was like... Yeah, but you know why? Remember the 90s? No, it was the 2000s. Yeah, it was the 2000s. But the point is that a lot of people go, oh, Russell Brand. But yeah, they gave him a producer who he could completely walk all over. So he could just put that out.

A good producer would have said, no, that's not going out on air. Well, it was Jonathan Ross. It was on the Jonathan Ross show. Oh, it's very confusing. So Ross was producing himself, probably. But anyway, that's one of the reasons why I don't like prank calls. I think sometimes it's a bit grotesque.

In bad taste. I mean, look, mate, this show, this podcast, I am not throwing stones. It is really unfunny. What else does he have to say? Right. I seem to remember that it all started with a simple, uncomplicated record request

that had a telephone number printed at the top of the letterhead. I couldn't prevent my fingers straying to the telephone dial in my Radio 1 studio, and with the expert assistance of the technical operator, we were able to record the conversation

that ensued. There was no plot, no assumed name, no false accent, just an amusing exchange that centred around the victim's belief that she was actually talking to the real Noel Edmonds. What? So he called this number up that was printed on a piece of vinyl.

And someone picks up, I imagine, and he goes, Hello, it's Noel Edmonds. The woman goes, What? It's Noel Edmonds, aren't you lucky? No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah.

No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Really? Yeah. No.

Yeah. No. Yeah. I'm Noel Edmonds. No. Yeah. Yeah. No.

No. So that's how he got the idea. Are you okay, Paul? Yeah. That's how he got the idea. Yeah. That original simple and not particularly side-splitting call was the first of a whole series that have kept me

and my many millions of other people giggling and chuckling for the past six years. It certainly seems to me that many of us, there lies a dormant practical joker. Within many of us, there lies a dormant practical joker. Within many of us, there is a dormant practical joker. And my funny phone calls appear to have allowed hundreds of thousands of people

the opportunity to exercise their own wicked sense of humour. So basically it's like, use my show to be a prick. Yeah, and the other thing is, he's had a strange, he obviously has always fancied himself as a comedian. And a big entertainer. Multi, you know, multi talented. Yeah, but he's such a DJ. He obviously has always fancied himself as a comedian. And a big entertainer. Multi-talented.

Yeah, but he's such a DJ. Do you know what I mean? It's just such a DJ. He's trapped in that. I'm the only voice in the studio. Therefore, my voice is the only one that counts. Therefore, the best version of me is the one that doesn't listen to anyone. He doesn't play off other people.

He has no interactive sort of... It's like an internal echo of an opinion of himself yeah I don't know to fully appreciate the success of this part of my radio career you have to imagine

sitting through literally mountains of mail every week that I'm on literally hang on wait there sorry so part of my radio career

you'll have to imagine sitting through literally mountains of mail every week that I'm on the air literally mountains does it say that literally mountains of mail

every week that I'm on the air like it's like Everest then there's there's Mount Edmonds made entirely of mail every week that I'm on the air. Literally mountains, does it say that? It says literally mountains of mail every week that I'm on the air. It's like Everest, then there's Mount Edmonds made entirely of mail. He's a fucking knob, isn't he? If you consider... Literally mountains. Literally mountains? Yeah.

It's not literally mountains. How many foot on fucking letters is it? Two. It's not literally mountains. Anyway. It said literally foothills. All right. Or knoll. Literally a knoll knoll. It's not literally mountains. Anyway. If you said literally foothills or knoll, literally a knoll knoll.

It's a knoll knoll. It's a knoll knoll of letters. Right, okay. Right. Oh, my knoll knoll. If you consider that... If you consider that during the last series of my Sunday shows,

I was receiving upwards of 3,000 phone call suggestions a week, you can envisage... That's not a mountain! Okay, at least. ability. Indeed, on the subject of delivery, I apologise for the fact that my dialects are poor, my vocal range limited, and I seem to have had a tendency to start with a thick Glaswegian accent and then rapidly pass through Norfolk, Whitechapel and Dorset on the way to Ireland. At least he knows he's terrible.

He knows he's shit. That's the one moment I think we found when Noel's gone. That's one of the one moments. He's gone, oh, I'm a little bit of shit. But don't worry. Because I'm so fucking witty. Alright. Fucking Noel Edmonds I'm so fucking witty. All right. Fucking Noel Edmonds and I'm fucking witty. All right, fucking card. Right.

However, it's worth bearing in mind that when you hear my end of the conversation, it is of studio quality. But the unfortunate victim hears my voice with all the attendant imperfections of a telephone line. I have frequently had people boast that they would never be caught out, and yet within days, they've become my next funny phone call subject. That almost sounds like he's taken it personally. You know what I mean? He's taken it personally. They've said, oh, you'll never catch me now.

I'm too fucking clever. No, he sees it as a challenge, doesn't he? And now he's gone, you know what? He sees it as a challenge. Yeah. But a lot of it fails, and you can see it's failed halfway through because you can see that they know

something's up almost immediately with most of them yeah sometimes but you wonder how late in his career of doing those was people starting to twig like if you got a phone call

on a Sunday morning when all your family were there he'd go yeah it seems a bit weird they all get on the phone and everyone's going could you get the phone ma oh yeah

it's like no dad's nearest no mum you get it ma you get it well no your dad's just there no No, you get it, Mark. You get it. Well, no, your dad's just there. No, Mum. No, you get it.

I'm going to get the fucking phone and I'm going to cut you. It's Noel fucking Edmonds. It's Noel Edmonds. No. It is. It is. Can we do that again, Paul?

That was fun. Which bit? You be Noel. Yeah. Yeah. Go on, say. Go on, say. Hello, I'm Noel Edmonds.

No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Who is this? Noel. No. Yeah. Who is this?onds No Who is this? Noel Who is this? Noel Edmonds

No Yeah, it's Noel Edmonds No, who is this? It's Noel Edmonds It's becoming like I'm feeling like It's chanting I've entered a state of...

Right, come on, let's crack on with this. Fucking hell. It's all a question of being supplied with a good, strong theme. Driving tests, expected mothers, booking a holiday, etc. So once I've contacted the person, I can display enough knowledge of the subject to put them immediately at their ease. Incidentally, my funny phone calls are only ever made on the day of the show,

and the majority are actual recorded while the show is going out live. Yes, you can tell. Of course, not every attempt is broadcast, but I can honestly say that only three people have ever called me a cunt. No, I did that bit. Only three people have ever refused permission for me to play

the recording call, and of those three, two later changed their mind and consented. I wonder who that one person was. No, I don't appreciate this. Can you take it down, Noel? Can you take it down? Yeah, I'll take it down. But if something happens to your

car, that'd be interesting, wouldn't it? What, Noel? No, I'd take it down, mate. But let's just say one of your kids doesn't come home after school one day. Let's just say that happens. Does this mean anything to you? Blob, blob, blob, blob.

So, do you want me to put that on the air? Do you want me to take it off the air? Blob, blob, blob, blob. All right, put it on the air, Noel. Just play it. I wonder what the one who refused was. Noel was like, ring, ring, hello. Your dad's dead.

Oh, daddy. It's now an advent. Dad's around the corner giggling in the hallway listening to the radio. Anyway, we're getting wrapping up. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I almost certainly believe that the willingness of listeners To have their funny phone calls played on Radio 1 Underlines that the British still have a fine sense of humour

And most important of all We still retain the ability to laugh at ourselves Please remember, these phone calls are always made in fun And I must express my sincere gratitude Both to those that have submitted suggestions And those who have unwittingly been nominated as subjects May I leave you on one final thought Next time the phone rings Oh, he loves that as well. That's how he ends the LP, isn't it?

It does. With the ringing, he's like, It could be me. If your family is sad. You know me. If you fucking lower your guard for just one fucking moment, I'll be ringing up. And then, Bosh, you're on my next final.

And, Bosh... We've listened to the whole thing now, Paul. Yeah, we've listened to the whole thing. So, let's play a clip now. What was the best one, do you think, out of all of them? It was a tough choice. It was the monkey one, but that wasn't... Oh, the woman who was given a monkey. Yeah. I've got a monkey here for you. Alright, let's play that one.

Well, I more than met my match with Betty Clough. And here's another funny phone call where I had an awful lot of trouble trying to keep a straight face. Hello? Good morning. Can I speak to Mrs Sarah Sibbick, please? You are?

Oh, good morning. It's Super Pets here of Tile Street in Stroud. We have an order form for a special delivery today, but the address I have here is incomplete. From the pet shop form, I see it's a gift for someone's birthday today. It's my birthday. Ah, well, we've got a gift for you. Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this some trick or something? Oh, I'm very sorry that obviously the surprise can't be carried forward. I was hoping it wasn't your birthday. Your name is on the form, but as I say, all I've got here is Cash is Green, and I haven't got a complete address for you. What sort of super pet are you delivering, then?

Hang on, I'll have a look on the form. I don't know what it is. I only deliver them. I don't actually have anything to do with them. It's a 12-week-old Colombian tree monkey. Go on. Who's having me on? I beg your pardon? Who's having me on?

I'm sorry, love, I only deliver them. I don't get involved in the thing. It's been ordered and it's sitting here in a crate. Oh, no, go on, is it? My son's laughing at this. It would certainly help me if you just give me the address so I can deliver it. I don't want a Colombian dream, I'm kidding. Well, I don't want to spend the whole afternoon here with the thing.

It's down as a Sunday delivery. I've even got a tin of cashew nuts and bamboo shoots and some fig juice, because that's what they drink. Please don't laugh, dear. Tell me you'll accept it. I'll kill the little bit. Look, I don't even know whether someone's playing a trick on you. I think they are.

If it is your birthday, would you be prepared to accept it and we'll sort it out when the pet shop opens tomorrow? What am I going to do with a monkey between now and tomorrow? Well, as I say, there's food here with it. Well, yes, I'll accept it, but I'm going to knock their heads together. I wish you would, because he's getting very restless here. I'm sure he is. Can I have the complete address?

Will there be someone there later? Well, we're going out in a little while. Well, I could get it round straight away, because I'm just sitting here with this monkey. Yes, so if you'll come round directly, then. Fine, OK. Have you got... I know this sounds silly,

but have you got any disposable nappies? It's only 12 weeks old. We use disposable nappies here. No, I haven't. Would you like me to bring you a box? You'd better, yeah. Sarah, I can't keep this up, Sarah. Pardon?

You are? It's Noel Edmonds from Radio 1. Hello? Hello. It's Noel Edmonds here. Noel Edmonds? Yes. What do you mean? What do you mean?

Can I stop looking me about? Sarah Jane and Richard said that it was your birthday today. Yeah. And I thought you might like a little joke around a Colombian tree monkey. You obviously realised someone was having you on, but I don't think you realised it was me, did you? What, you mean me on Noir Ad? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, I didn't. No, you're all right. There's no monkey. Thank God for that. Anyway, from monkeys to camels. There you go. Oh, and they couldn't keep a straight face. He always starts like, I'm here from the...

I've got your car. Are you going to send it out? Why is he playing a mouth organ? What are you doing with your hand? I'm doing the voice. So now it looks more like Zippy. This is Eli doing Zippy. Finally, the crossover we've all wanted.

Do it! Yeah, but he was like alright I've got this here for you I've got a package here for you so what's your name yeah you he always checks the address doesn't he

oh is that your address yeah and then he always goes do you know what I know do you know my name yeah do you know do you know my name do you know who this is do you want to my name? Do you know who this is?

Do you want to know my name? Do you know who this might be? And then he's like, it's Noel Edmonds. No. Yes. No. Yeah. Who?

No. No. Yes. No. Yeah. No. No. Yeah.

No. He's sitting on a literal mountain. Literal mountain of gash Right So The other reason we're bringing him up Noel Edmonds Outside of all of this

Not just because of the record There was one though Where that guy was called up And said This is a parking ticket That he didn't pay in America And he goes He sounds a bit guilty

He's like No the guy sounds frightened And really keen to get help Terrified He's like No no I'll pay Don't worry like, no, no, I'll pay. Don't worry, I understand. I will pay. Yeah, I'll pay.

Just don't send anyone around and look under the patio. Alright, no. Bang, bang. How did he shoot twice? How did they shoot twice? He didn't. He just shot once. I don't know why I said twice, bang. I bet there's at least one example of someone managing to shoot themselves twice in the head. Maybe. That's dark.

Let's, you know, not do that. We're in the realm of the dark underlord, aren't we? Yeah. So, with that in mind, the other reason we bring Noel Edmonds up is because the rumour is... It's heavily rumoured. That he is going to appear on the TV show in the UK I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here where they dump a bunch of celebrities

quote unquote celebrities in the jungle and make them do games and challenges and eat kangaroo balls and bugs kangaroo penis and they have to

fucking go into the wood and not and they always have a shower in the waterfall don't they so Noel might be going on that the rumour is he's the secret guest

joining them we don't know obviously it's been drawn to our attention he might be going on that, the rumour is. He's the secret guest joining them. We don't know. Obviously, it's been drawn to our attention. He might be the secret... Well, is there someone who gets... I don't know.

I don't watch the fucking show. I don't watch it, but I think someone has to leave and then they go, oh, there's someone new and it's Noel. But apparently, he'll be joining on Sunday.

But, as interesting as that is to us, to see what he'll play, whether he'll play his positive energy card, he'll get a little bit... He's going to act like a complete dick. We can only hope that he goes full gnoll. Yeah he will.

How could he do anything else? I want him to go knife crazy in the jungle and turn into Rambo. Yes. The gnolls escape from the camp. He was last seen hiding in a tree with his scarf wrapped around his neck and he'd made a knife out of a piece of bark

and he was just howling at night. The campers can't sleep because you hear him go Oh! Blobby! I'd like to see him, yes. Yeah. Be played by the demon of Blobby, oh, taking over his body like he is Blobby. And also him having some kind of strop about

not having his beard dye with him. That'd be good. He'll have to show his natural roots. Yeah. He'll show his vulnerability. Yes. Maybe that's what he wants to do. He wants to show his vulnerability. He wants to show his vulnerable side.

Maybe. Well, we'll keep abreast of that. He probably just wants to do it as a platform to get it back at Lloyd's Bank. Yeah, maybe. Here's the story that I was given today on Instagram by a chap called Puggy106. So thank you for that. It's on the sun,

so, you know, take that with a massive grain of salt because the sun is vile shit. There you go. Don't like it when

cheap jokes walk politics. No, the sun, regardless of politics, is a shit rag. But if you review us, please

don't review this episode. They're not going to fucking review us. They will review us. If I got them out. Your tits? Yeah.

Yeah, but it's a podcast. Put it on me on page three. No. Imagine me on page three. No, come on, Paul. Nip. Paul, stop doing that. I've nipped my nips out.

I have lovely nips. Right. Here's the article in the Sun. Dolly Bird. I'm a celebrity. Noel Edmonds has a life-sized dog called Candice Can. He never leaves home without. But will she join him in the jungle?

The 69-year-old welcomed the doll into his life in 2011 and has been smitten ever since. So... That's not true. It's true. Apparently... He's married. Yes. Noel Edmonds has a life-sized doll called Candice Can,

who he likes to take everywhere with him. Again, for people who haven't been following the Noel saga on Cheap Show, Noel Edmonds is a UK TV, radio-cum-TV personality-cum-slightly-mad-proto-cult-leader. Yes. Yeah? Yeah. Bit nutty. The quirky 69-year-old is set to enter

the I'm a Celebrity jungle this weekend, but will he leave behind his favourite girl? Not his wife, the article implies, but his doll. Does she have extras? This article has got nothing to do with I'm a Celebrity. It's just an excuse for them to rule the doll story again. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Which is a shit move. I can't believe we're defending Noel, but shit move. Does he, the doll is real? Yes. There's a picture of it here.

Let me see. Weird. Yeah. Why has he got that doll? Well, we're going to find out. Candice became part of Noel's life in 2011 for a rather practical reason, but soon became part of the family,

rivaling his wife, Liz. She was initially purchased to sit in the back of Noel's black taxi, which he used to drive around the Deal or No Deal studio in Bristol to stop people flagging him down. Right, so why own a taxi then? Why? You just don't put the light on. Well, yeah, there's also that.

And also, he doesn't have to stop for anyone. And how can he drive around the studio how big is it it's a big studio lot I imagine right but then you also ask yourself who's going to

flag you down on a little Bristol lot none of this makes sense none of this makes sense this is him going I want to buy a taxi drive it round because I can

and put some he wants to bone it do you think he has look he's got all the anatomy in place he's put his slime bucket all over his dolly blobby.

Yeah. Blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob, blob. Oh! But it wasn't long until she became... How's that for a blobby? But it wasn't long until she became a bit of a hit and even had her own Twitter account and media presence. Oh, things that aren't alive having their own Twitter account.

Noel's wife Liz often changes her hair and clothes keeping her trendy when she steps out. So Liz dresses the doll to be trendy. Yeah,

they're very bizarre. He's a psychopath. There's candies in the audience for chatty man. It's just a doll. Creepy. She appeared on

Chris Evans' radio show back in the day and was even offered her own perfume line. Fucking hell. He's just trying to make money. In appeared on Chris Evans' radio show back in the day and was even offered her own perfume line. Fucking hell. He's just trying to make money. In 2013, well, that's it, isn't it? He's like, I've done Blobby.

What do I do next? Fake woman. Yeah. Fake woman, which is an even more psychologically complex and dark thing. Weird. Well, I want a woman I can completely control. It's like Hitchcock or something, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like, what is it? Vertigo. Vertigo. Yeah. Just like Vertigo this mate Noel Edmonds Vertigo is something I would fucking pay to see

I'd love to watch that as him in the James Dean role yeah not James Dean Jimmy Stewart yeah sorry

error in 2013 she released her own dance track called Are You Ready if I find it I'll put it in now fuck called Are You Ready? If I find it, I'll put it in now. Fuck.

May I ask you a question? You can ask me the question. Are you ready? Are you ready for the question? Are you ready for the question? You can ask me the question. Oh, I hope it's a big question. Oh, what's the big one? Oh my God.

I'm ready for the question. What's in your book? What's in your book? What's in your book? Oh my god. He's just such a... Which samples the Deal or No Deal soundtrack and went to number four on the dance charts. He's such a wheeler dealer, isn't he? He's such a spiv. He's a del boy, isn't he?

Anything to make... I've got a TV idea. I've got an album idea. I've got a radio station idea. I've got this idea. I'm going to see the Lloyds. I'm going to do this. Too much money.

Too much time. I've got a radio station for plants. Yeah. The star previously said of her, we really didn't expect things to take off like this. We know she's not real. The majority of people who follow her on Twitter know she's not real, but she seems to have touched a chord because she's funny.

Oh, there she is on a plane. Do you think they got Barry Cryer to write her lines? Look, it looks like a melted bogey. Alright. Too many people in public life take themselves too seriously. So many celebrities are so full of themselves and so detached.

Just look at the fluffy people in Hello or OK magazine. They use their internet for marketing purposes and to feed their ego. Liz commented, I know it's weird, but at least Noel doesn't dress her. If it's nice weather, I think you can't be

going around with a fair hat on, so I put her in something cooler. It sounds mad, but... And then the quote ends. And then the last line is, we bet she'd look good in the jungle shower. The Sun has just written the article that ends with them saying

we'd love to see a fake mannequin lady, naked, having a shower. in the article that ends with them saying we'd love to see a fake mannequin lady naked having a shower. Brilliant. So we're going to be on Noel Watch and if anything happens we'll keep you abreast of it. If he goes fucking gun crazy. No, they wouldn't have footage of that.

No, they would not. So, that's it. Bye. Noel Watch is over. Noel Watch. Noel Watch. that's it bye no watch is over no watch no watch oh the audience a bit different why

well because we lost the ending to this somehow of this episode so this is a quick wrap up right now thank you for listening to Cheap Show

we did no watch and we did the Japanese basket of goodies. You enjoyed it? I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would, Paul. Great. Thanks, Stacey, again, for that.

We're recording this little segment at Addendum in the... What is this room? The House of Sausages, isn't it? It's not the House of Sausages. Yeah, because of the big painting on the wall with the sausages and eggs. Why isn't it the House of Eggs? Could be the House of sausages. Yeah, because of the big painting on the wall with the sausages. And eggs. So why isn't it the house of eggs? Could be the house of sausage and eggs. I think it should just be called the living room in my flat.

Anyway, we're here to record this last little segment, and just a little bit behind the scenes. This is where I sleep when I stay at Eli's. I sleep on the lovely couch of Plenty underneath the picture of eggs and sausage. Yes, you do, Paul, yes. And then sometimes I tippy-toe down the hallway in the middle of the night, and Yes, you do, Paul. Yes, and then sometimes I tippy-toe down the hallway in the middle of the night

and you're sleepy-weepy. No, don't go. Just don't. Just don't. Just don't do that material. What material? It's not material. It's true.

It's true that you come in and interfere with me in the night when I sleep. Yeah, you got it. But it's not in a bad way. I just gently lay my knob on your forehead. Right, okay, well, you had a chance to do something different there,

and you've ruined it. Weepy Ken comes into the house of egg and sausage and lays his weepy knob on your forehead in the moonlight. Okay, that's it. Is that why I wake up with tears? Yes. Anyway, thank you for supporting us on patreon if you indeed do so it's patreon.com forward slash cheap show uh lovely thank you for

supporting us and keeping this podcast running uh way past its natural expiration date uh breaking news as we record this the timeline's gonna be a bit fucked because of what we've already recorded today and linking this into an old episode that we've recorded. But basically, as we record this tonight, Noel Edmonds has gone into the jungle. He's been confirmed in the jungle. And unless the worst happens, like, you know, he's responsible for someone else's death on the set. Now, Paul, we were discussing this.

You have made a little prediction, haven't you, of what you think Noel's going to get up to in the jungle. You think he's going to be asked to leave because he disrespects someone's dead relative which is quite specific isn't it it is very specific

but there's more of those thoughts in the Brent Cross episode coming soon that we just recorded in the past that this episode is now linked it's very confusing

it's confusing let me say one thing www.thecheapshow.co.uk for pictures that accompany this episode I'm on Twitter at thecheapshowpod and.uk for pictures that accompany this episode. I'm on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod, and also at Paul Gannon Show.

Eli is... Eli Snoid, which is spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's my Twitter handle. And what else? Oh, yes, we have a Reddit page, a Facebook page, and a Tumblr page,

and an Instagram page. Go look and go check them out and join us. You don't have to. You could masturbate whilst looking at pictures of us. Right. You know what? That's fine.

I do. After I've laid my flaccid knob on your forehead in the moonlight. I'm going to walk away and just... That's it. I'm walking away and I'm going to do this. I'm going to walk over over here and do the sign-off. So thank you very much for listening to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Join us next time

for more exciting larks and adventures I'm Lukey Kent Noel should have sworn more. I'd have liked it if Nole had gone, come on, you cunts. I would have liked to see Nole with his snout in a fucking yoghurt.

What does that mean? Well, I just would, you know. It must have had a bit more mucky, a bit more muckiness. What if there's a new show called Nole's Special Room, right? And it's like that grid. It's got 250 pounds, 500, 1,000, 2,000, you know, up and up to 25,000, right? And it's like that grid. It's got £250, £500, £1,000, £2,000,

you know, up and up to £25,000, right? Yeah. And the idea is, it's a bit like Cheap Cheap Cheap, but basically there's a couple, and one at a time they have to go into Noel's Special Room with Noel. Who are you? Who am I? I'm a part of the couple.

I'm Fiona. Hello, Fiona. This is my husband, Jeremy. Hello there. Hello, Jeremy. I'm Noel I'm Fiona. Hello, Fiona. This is my husband, Jeremy. Hello. Hello there. Hello, Jeremy. I'm Noel Edmonds. Oh, hello.

I've been loving to meet you. I've been looking forward to meeting you. And so has my wife. Good. What's she called again? Fiona. Fiona. Yes, I'm Fiona.

Fiona and... Jeremy. Jeremy. Yes, I'm Jeremy. Say that, Fiona. I'm Fiona. So, hello, Fiona and Jeremy. Welcome to Noel's special room. Oh, I'm very. I'm Fiona. So, hello, Fiona and Jeremy. Welcome to Noel's Special Room.

Oh, I'm very excited. Shut up now, Fiona. No, I said shut up. We spoke about this. Now, shut up. Oh, sorry, sorry, Jeremy. He gets fucking violent. No.

When I get excited, and I'm really creaming me old knickers all frothed up to maximum. Well, I'm Noel Edmonds, and I can't deal with dealing with humans, so I'm just going to awkwardly smile and carry on with the show. So, Noel, just explain what the whole concept of this new show, Noel's Room, is, please. I'd like that, Noel, if you explained it to us.

You've got Noel's Naughty Ladder here. Right. And on each step of Noel's Naughty Ladder, there's a price. It's £250, £500, £1,000, £2,000, £5,000, £7,500, £10,000, and then £15,000. £15,000. All right. And here's how you win each round. One of you will nominate themselves to come into Noel's special room with me and

perform an act that will get you that money on the board. So you come into Noel's room. What's the act? You'll find out when you get in there. Well, isn't anyone going to be watching? No. What does Fiona do while I go in there?

Fiona could go in instead of you if you want. No, no, no. No, no. I said I'd? Oh, Fiona could go in instead of you if you want. No, no, no. No. No. I said I'd do it, didn't I, Fiona? Yes, he did. He was very adamant. He said he'd do it, Paul.

I mean, Noel. So, Jeremy, come into Noel's special room. What should I do to prepare myself? Fucking jacket. Get it ready. So, for £250, come into Noel's special room. Hello. Right, I don't want you to touch this.

Just touch it. All right. Just touch it. I'm touching it. What do you want me to do now? You've won £250. Oh, that's brilliant. Right, now, Fiona, it's your turn to earn £500. What did you have to do, Jeremy?

Don't you worry, love. Don't worry. It's very easy. Just do it. So, Fiona, for 500 pounds, do you want to come into Noel's special room with me? Oh, I would love to. I'm all excited. Oh! All right, come on through to Noel's special room. Here I go.

Bye, Jeremy. Oh, I'm kissing him. I'm blowing him kisses. Oh. Oh. Click, click, click. Oh, it's very dark. 500 pounds blowing him kisses. Ooh. Ooh. Click, click, click, click, click. Right. Ooh, it's very dark. 500 pounds. It's quite humid in the oven.

500 pounds, Fiona. Ooh, I don't like it. It's a bit drippy. Just put your lips on it. Just put your lips on it. Just put your lips on the head. Okay, all right then. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, that's 500 quid. Well done. That was all right. Right, now, Fiona and Jeremy. Jeremy, it's up to you now.

You have to do something for £1,000 in no time. Let me just have a... Let me have a think about it. Can we have a little word with Fiona? Fiona, we do want that new Hoover, don't we? And it's quite expensive. Oh, I know, Jeremy. But he made me fucking knob him off in my mouth.

It's got to be anal. We all know. It's got to be. First it was frottage with your hand. Yeah, that's what I had to do. Then I had to suck him off. Yeah, that's what you did. Well, he's definitely going to have to fucking bum you.

I'm ready to do that for this family. I'm ready to do that for this family. I'm ready to do that for this family, Fiona. Right, okay. Okay. Oh, you're my hero, Jeremy. Go and get bomb fucked by Noel Edmonds. Right, okay. So I've decided for £1,000 you're going to join me.

We've decided. Final answer. You fuck me in the arse in your dark room. Come on in to Noel's special room. No, no, no, no, room. Do you clunk click? No, no, no, no, no. What do I have to do? You put it in me.

Right. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ah. Right, that's it. That's a thousand pounds. Hey!

A thousand pounds. Right. Fiona. What? I thought that was... 2,500. No, we've got to take the money. Come on, 2,000. Please. No. Please. Come that was 2,500. No, we've got to take the money. Come on, 2,000. Please.

No. Please. Come on, 2,500. No, we're leaving. Please, Fiona. Just give us the money. We're going. Please, Fiona.

Please. No. Please for 2,500. Jeremy, what do you think? Well, we've got what we came here for and my willy smells of your ass.

Right, I think that's all we've got time for. No special We'll be back next week. Hey!