CheapShow - Ep 104: MallTwats

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

Join Paul and Eli on a merry adventure as they travel to a part of Eli's childhood... Brent Cross Shopping Centre. What soon begins as a wistful journey soon descends into shouting, arguing in stores and attempting to make the best of a boring situation. However, a chance discovery leads to a very happy ending for Eli whilst Paul sees his worst fears realised. They're on the Road to Brent Cross, why not tag along? And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos and the full live show on YouTube can be found at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

you finished listen to that shit now stop trying to be the big man just because you're on the fucking recorder yeah i am a big man i'm a big man on the recorder hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to a kind of special episode of cheapap Show. We're in the House of Pickles. Well, what is the kitchen of the House of Pickles? What is this? As you know, it's the urban, down-with-the-kids noodle kitchen. But we're not here to make noodles this time, Paul, are we? No.

I don't know too much about what we're doing today. You're in charge. Not just kind of special. It's a very special episode of Cheap Show. This is Pilgrimage to Brank Cross. Let's rock. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the site? Let's just walk out and say hello. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Cheap Show. I'll go and I'll nuzzle. So yes, it's a cheap show, and we're going on a little adventure. Why? Because Brent Cross is a spiritually significant place for me. It's a shopping centre, Paul, if people don't know, that was erected in 1976, the year after I was born. And I used to visit there as a child. So, I thought we'd go have a lovely little jolly up to Brent Cross and do some

cheap show stuff there. This is the plan, right? Yeah, go on. Whilst we're in Brent Cross Shopping Centre, Yeah. we'll get a little gift

for each other. Me Casa, Sue Casa, that's what that segment's called. Yeah. We will buy an item for not very much money but we won't tell

the other person how much we paid for that item, and then we will get them to guess. And you'll get one point if you're within... So just one point is available now? No, one point if you're within 25 feet. I'm spitting my face. Listen.

Is this basically like... It's price of shite. And then we will play the price of shite with one item each. Wow. And... Think of the stakes. We'll get some cheap food. Right. And then I will point out to. We'll get some cheap food. Right.

And then I will point out to you this is the most important thing. Where the wooden animals used to be which the horses asked that you could get into. This is fucking tragic. So basically what you're doing is what Michael Palin did when he decided I don't want to do comedy no more. I'm going to go around the world and people can follow me on a whimsical fucking

spiritual adventure. So this is your Michael Palin's 80 Days Around the World, isn't it? No. But it's Eli Silverman's trip to Brent Cross. Yes. Which is a much more toothsome and savoury sounding proposition. What does that even fucking mean? It's going to be great.

What's a savoury proposition? It's another snack, isn't it? I don't know. The chunky segments, then next to the chunky segments, you've got the savoury propositions. Mate, that would be fucking excellent. Would you not try a savoury proposition? Yeah. I would. You're in a bar.

You go up to a lady. Hello, love. Can I interest you in a savoury proposition? Oh, go on. It's really flaky and cheesy. Yeah. So, we're off on a little adventure today um to brent cross which is in north london isn't it yes it's uh on the north circular up there in north london

bit of brutalist architecture paul it's where the river brent has been turned into a concrete ditch which we'll be looking at great and they also have a space there where they have a sort of uh fun fair some of the year and like a an urban beach and stuff so we can look at the utter degradation and shitness of that naff it's a journey of naff i did some research as it goes as well apparently it was used uh the brent cross shopping center was used in a faith in a film which one it was a film. What Bond film do you think it was? You won't guess, but go on,

let's just milk this. What Bond film? Can you tell me which of the Bonds it was? It was Pierce Brosnan. Oh, Pierce Brosnan. Goldeneye? No.

You've got three more guesses. Tomorrow Never Knows? That's not a Bond film. Yes, it is. It's not. Tomorrow Forgot It Was Yesterday. I've just got a title as Eddie. What's his one?

He said tomorrow. Tomorrow never dies. Tomorrow never dies. Yeah, it's that one. Right. So, you know, there's a scene in that where he's remote controlling a BMW from the backseat with his phone. He's driving around the shopping complex. That's the car park at Brent Cross.

That's the car park at Brent Cross. Well, it's a little film pilgrimage for you then today, Paul, as well. Because I know you're a great fan of Brosnan and Bond. You like Bond? I'm all right with Bond. I'm not a huge super fan like my mate Luke, who would be very excited to find out that the shopping, no, the car park that is in the film set in Germany

is actually set in Brent Cross. Ah, I see. Yeah, so there you go. So we can maybe recreate that film later on. We can recreate it by, yeah, making some car noises and perhaps pissing some people off. Yeah. So that's the plan for today, Paul.

Have you got anything, like, constructive to say? No, I'm just going on for the ride for this one. This is nice. I feel like I'm in your hands. And we'll be taking a route. Yeah, a very special route. The pilgrimage route, the classic route, up through the Kilburns,

round by the Cricklewoods, which you like because they were named in a Goody song. Goody's Cricklewood. You get to see the utter normalness of Cricklewood, past Cricklewood, into a, frankly, a no-man's land area between Cricklewood and Brent Cross. The boss. The gooch of London.

Yeah, the gooch of London. And then we will arrive at Brent Cross. The proper way. All right, good. Well, this is exciting. Get set off. Shall we get going? Have you got your sandwiches?

I've got my sandwiches, Dad. I've got my flask of hot milk. Do you have your satsumas, which you'll eat the skin of? Yeah. I'm not bringing them with me, though. Why? Because I ate, like, five tangerines last night, and my bottom this morning. That's a spicy

meatball. Yes, your bottom's a spicy meatball for one reason, because you eat the peel. How spicy meatball can you get, man? I like tasting... I like eating the peel of tangerines. It's the equivalent of eating about 12 carrot cakes or something. Oh, I also had a carrot cake yesterday. I just realised.

I had a carrot cake cupcake. We might have to take a squit stop. No, I'm all out. I've evacuated the area. And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, he's not lying, because I had to shower in my asthma. No, well, let me just put it this way. Someone took a massive dump this morning in this flat,

and it stunk so bad that even when I took a shit moments after, you could still smell the shit before. That's how bad it was. That's the power. That's the power. Anyway, right, let's get our coats on. Let's do this. Oh, it's exciting.

Anyway, right, let's get our coats on. Let's do this. Oh, it's exciting. Right, so we begin our adventure, as we often do, at Stop HK on St Anne's Road, waiting for a bus. What bus are we waiting for? It's the number 29. Why? Why are we going that way? Because that is the Pilgrim's route to Brent Crosses from Kilburn. So we have to go to Kilburn first, Paul. Okay, well... Shouldn't take us too long. I'd say about 45 minutes to get to Kilburn.

Great. And, er... I'm looking at the charity shop here. I was eyeing that up as well. The Human Relief Foundation. Shall we have a little look? How long have we got to the bus? Hang on, let's have a look. We've got three minutes.

Let's have a little look. Oh, looking in through the window. It's nice. Let's have a quick look inside. I've spotted a turntable. Oh, yeah. Ariston. Didn't they used to make washing machines?

Ariston. And on and Ariston. They did make washing machines. It might have been a different company with a similar name. Is that any good? It's the same name. It's £10. Working.

What does it say working on it? That's what it says. It says £10. Working. I don't have anything to plug it into, speakers-wise. Let's see what the wires are saying. This is great. Exciting stuff already. Maybe if we're back in time

you can pick it up then. It's got auxiliary outs, but... and a plug. So I can go into some basic speakers quite easily. Is that anything good, though? It will need... It has no built-in amp, so it will need to go through a...

Oh, an amp. I don't have that either, then. But you do. I do, but I've already got a record player. Oh, there you go. This whole thing's been pointless. Oh, hand blender. Is this a Santa mug?

No, it's not. It's a polar bear. But he's dressed like Santa from behind. Who would you say that was? Yeah, from behind, you'd think Santa. I'd give you that. I thought there was an echo doctor. Now, Paul, are there any items you'll be looking out for today?

Well, probably. But I don't know. I'm just going to go. I haven't planned it. Eli's looking at a little box. It's not a box. It's just a block. Just a block with some Victorian drawings on.

No, it's got Japanese drawings. Could you open your eyes? Actually, that's not. That's Victorian because that's the woman who saw the fairies and took Photoshop pictures of fairies in her garden.

That wasn't Victorian though, was it? Yes, it was. What do you think of this, Paul? It's a little hedgehog reading a book with a ladybird on a bench and it opens up to be a little keepsake box.

What would you keep in there? Regret. I'd keep our little friend Cheggers in there. Have you got Cheggers still? What do you keep in there? Regret. I'd keep our little friend Cheggers in there. Have you got Cheggers still? What do you mean have I still got Cheggers? He's a part of our family. I don't care. I don't care.

I'm going to go look for the bus. I don't care about Cheggers. Right, we're getting on the bus. I'm not having any of this. Let's get on the bus. It's a Null watch. We've just spotted Noel. Yeah, I actually, I mean, I knew it was going to happen, but actually seeing Noel in his I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, Get Up, in this morning's edition of the Metro here on the bus on the way to Brent Cross. Number 29.

Number 29 has actually shocked me somewhat, Paul, I have to say. I will say this. He looks happy and healthy, and he's got a nice colour to his beard. It's not as aggressive as the other dye he uses. Someone has talked to him about the purpleness of his beard. Do you know what I reckon that is? He's gone for a more reddy orange, almost ginger, strawberry blonde. But depending on how long he's in the jungle,

we'll see it all, all the colour come out, and he'll go grey. No, there'll be... And the beast shall be revealed. They'll be airlifting in packets of dye. So he's earning a blob or two, nice gag, but Noel will quit TV if he wins. He'll quit TV

if he wins? That's literally what the article's saying, that's all I've read. That's just horse shit. Someone like Noel can't quit TV. No, it's a drug to him. He'd literally revert to his prehistoric form of a sort of shapeless, miasmic vampire of the soul, wouldn't he? Yeah.

And then what would he do? Then he couldn't influence people. He couldn't get back at Lloyds. He'll become an elder god. Yeah, I think this is all about basically the story behind this is it's all about Null's sublimation into becoming one of the elder gods. So he's a Cthulhu type, I don't know what you want to call it, monster? Well he's beyond a monster he's a being beyond knowledge and time. An unimaginable god of terror. He's a faceless

void where meaning is sucked from our very souls. Null 69 appears at the end of tonight's show. Null 69? It's Wednesday today when we're recording this. So the speculation is that he's being paid half a mil for his stunts in the rainforest. Fucking half a mil. That's all right, isn't it? It is all right.

What does he have to do? Chomp on some... Some goat... I don't know. Kangaroo tits. Yeah, something like that. He's going to have to do? Chomp on some... Some goat... I don't know. Kangaroo tits. Yeah, something like that. He's going to have to fight John Barrowman for that. He looks like he's up for it.

He looks happy. But he said basically if he quits this, he's going to go out on a high and never do TV again. If he wins it. So what he's saying is winning this bullshit reality TV show in the jungle where he'd be forced to humiliate himself would be his own professional high rather than the stream of successful TV hits he had in the 80s.

He seems like a man who can't rest on his laurels, who doesn't just celebrate the fact that he was a big before. He seems to, I think, you know what I think, he's hurting from cheap, cheap, cheap. He's hurting from cheap, cheap, cheap ending. This is what he says. There's a deal I'm striking with the great British public. They make me king of the jungle and I retire and never appear again. The public will enjoy me seeing my comeuppance. I know what they are going to...

They're going to give me a hard time. He's right, he knows. What a shit threat they'll go by. If you really want me rid of me, let me win. That's a really pathetic... Yeah. Gambit. Yeah.

He won't win. He won't win. How long is the whole run? Like a month? A couple of weeks. The whole thing is a couple of weeks yeah ah

well anyway let's that's no watch that's no watch for today we're coming into Finsbury Park now which way are we going

right we just got off the 29 oh and I will say this it's a lovely brisk slightly it's a lovely brisk, slightly, it's a lovely brisk, sharp, cold day but not unpleasant. It's not unpleasant, it's, yeah, it's brisk but you know what isn't brisk? That bus.

You know what made it not brisk? Here we go. The cunts on it, Paul. The fucking cunts. First off, we get off on, there's some youth at the back. He's got a fucking Bluetooth speaker around his neck playing shit hip-hop music. I don't want to hear. That was annoying, but it wasn't as loud as it can usually be. Oh, he's off. He's dodging the thing.

And then... Yeah, hang on. Wait there. You need to be by the mic. And then, the guy behind us, did you notice, started doing a fucking Bobby McFerrin impression with his mouth, playing along with his wet mouth to the fucking song he had in his earphones, as if, I don't want to hear your wet mouth percussion. Yeah.

I was getting to the breaking point with that where I wanted to just go... Do you know what I mean? Just turn around and say, what the fuck is your problem, man? I'm gone. Let's cross the road safely. Red light. Green man. Here we go.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that. Did you not see the guy over the way from me who was looking over at us and muttering to himself disdainfully? Yes, and then a lady sat down next to him and then in short order decided to move because he was manspreading and he probably stank of old cunt. It's weird. The boss is weird. Now, here we're walking past Camden's favourite,

famous underworld venue. It's known for metal and punk. Yeah. Did you hear about that guy who fooled everyone into booking him for a european tour i read about that recently i saw the poster here for that oh it's that isn't it that band i thought that was the band it down because he came here and he said he there were like 200 people come to see him no one came to see him because he faked all his stats what was he called

bobby wank laugh but he literally booked a whole European tour by just faking up some crowd shots on his Facebook. And then paid for a backing band. Yeah. And they're like, when are we getting money? Where are these gigs? What are they happening? I'm going to go then now.

But I remember seeing, strangely, I remember walking past the underworld here in Camden and seeing that poster and thinking, who's that? That's not a band I recognise. No shit. Well, there you go. Because's not a band I recognise. No shit. Well, there you go, because it was a complete fiction. Come on up here. Right, yeah, so we're in Camden now

on a lovely, crisp, bright winter's afternoon. Oh, we're crossing the road. We're crossing the road. It's exciting stuff. But we're heading from Camden to where? To Kilburn. And from Kilburn, we'll be getting the Pilgrim Bus to Brentcross. This is exciting.

Green man. Right. We're making good time, good travel. So let's head to the next bus stop now, shall we? Let's get the 31 now, shall we? Let's get the 31 now. And let's hope there's no one making a noise with their mouth or anything else. Or, you know, man spreading their legs.

Something like that. Ah, the sights and sounds of Canada. It's due. It is due it's probably that one just there. Number 31. If you want to know we're on Camden Towns bus stop X if you want to follow the pilgrimage yourself at a further date. Good. At a further date. Good. Right, we're on what bus are we now? We're on the 31.

Heading to? This is my old favourite. I once waited for the 931 just there, Paul. All night, one came along. It was too full. It just drove past me. Then I walked home. I'll be putting these in my new book of memoirs.

Stuff that happened to me several years ago by Eli Silverman. It's a beautiful story. Now. Touching. Let's get down to business. Let's get down to brass tacks. Now, on this show, in the past Paul, you've besperched me and you've suggested that morally I'm not an upstanding member of the society morally. Now, I'd just like you to tell

all the listeners what I just did. Oh yeah, he pushed a lady on a wheelchair onto the bus because she asked him directly and he felt guilty if he said no. Well, let's just let that lie. Let's let that sit there. Let that fester. Now, also, Paul, as is his want, has been to Gregg's. I like Gregg's. Nice,'s nice cheap food pasties sausage rolls whilst paul was in greg's i looked at their festive offering they have a festive bake yeah and i thought that looks like someone's taken a bread roll and yovved into it and then paul walked out i said look that looks like a bread roll someone's yoffed into and he said

what guess what i've got here so're going to have a little cheap eats. Paul's going to taste his festive square, whatever it's called. Festive bake. It's not that hard. We're going to have a little report on that, yeah? All right, let me just stick this in my jacket. No, it's fine, I've got it in my jacket. All right, I'm going to take a bite.

Now, it's got a nice latisse. It's like, you know, it's a bake. It's got a, yeah, but they've differentiated it with a sort of rustic sprinkle on the top. It does smell very Christmassy. And it's nice and warm. It does not smell Christmassy. It smells like one of their bakes. It smells exactly like any other bake. Hang on, I'm going to have a bite.

Mmm, tastes like Christmas. It does not taste like Christmas. It does taste like Christmas. It does not taste like Christmas. It does taste like Christmas. What, like what? Bacon and chicken? Yeah, but, you know... Gravy. Gravy and two potatoes and a bit of stuffing. So what would you give it out of five?

Oh, well... 2.75. And it was cheap? Yes, only like a quid 20. Quid 20. Quid twenty. Enjoy, Paul. I'm going to sit on the cold bus on a crisp winter's day with meek festive bake. It's all very festive.

I'm in a very Christmassy mood right now. We're going through Camden. Yeah. Don't sell drugs here anymore, do they? No. But even when they did, you took your life in your hands. We were discussing on a previous episode Paul

I used to buy my cedar cordophilia from a guy here I wish they still sold cedar cordophilia cedar cordophilia you know you won't

eat it right can I stop this so I can enjoy this and then my cream eclair that I also bought we'll be back

with another report when we get to Kilburn. Yeah. To White City. So on the 31, I've eaten me a festive bake. It's nice, very Christmassy. We've just passed through White, no, Swiss Cottage.

Again, we're in your old stomping ground now. Before you moved to the House of pickles you were in the proto house of pickles yes I've lived in two spaces around here yeah and you said

the Swiss cottage pub itself was a bit rope-a-dope a little bit musty old man and I quite liked it there for that for those very reasons

I don't like it fine alright well cinema's very good cinema's very good great great great great stuff great content so uh oh this is where you used to go to this little shop up here didn't you and get stuff and buy stuff like when me and joe would come back to your place at night after a gig and we'd stop off at this little corner shop here. It's gone. It has gone. Yeah.

It's going to be Mickey's Food and Wine. Yeah, that's what they keep saying. I used to live on this one in the corner. Yeah, this one. There we go, just around the corner. When I lived in that one, just there. Just there? Yeah.

Did you? Yeah. Did you know me then no right that's fascinating I didn't know you lived in that little bit it looked quite nice that building it was very nice yes I lived with my stepsister and uh I didn't get on very well with anyone well things don't change the dishes once I didn't do the dishes I thought she was going to actually kill me you never did the dishes once no I't do the dishes. Once I didn't do the dishes, I thought she was going to actually kill me. You never did the dishes once. No, I did do the dishes.

There was one bit of dishes that I had left, maybe for a day. You know how you do. Not me. No, I clean up after myself almost instantly. Well, I have very clean genitals. Yeah, but you don't wash those in your kitchen sink. I do, yeah. You leave your balls out.

I slap on a bit of fairy. Yeah. Get a good laver. For glands that do dishes that are soft as your face. Mild green bollock liquid. Right. So we're on Abbey Road,

but this is not the Abbey Road, is it? Is this the Abbey Road? It's the Abbey Road, is it? Is this the Abbey Road? We're across the Abbey Road, yes. It's just the bottom end of it, at the very, very far end is where the Beatles... Yeah, not that far down. Down that way towards St John's Wood, yeah. St John's Wood? St John's Wood, as they call it.

Do they? Now, this place, Hinstock, is brutalist and I believe is endangered. They're going to pull it down down and I don't think they should because it really is a very nice piece of architecture. Well, you said as we come out of Camden towards this cottage, those are blocks of flats were having all their cladding taken down a result of the whole Grenfell thing. The Grenfell, yes.

Gren. Absolutely right, Paul. That's right. And it's obviously a massive indictment of the practices in the first place that they just thought, oh, just in case, we'll take them down. Otherwise, they'd be confident they were safe. Yeah, they're obviously not confident that they're safe. But the other thing is, they do need to start updating the buildings. I mean, I can understand that because they are,

one thing about concrete and brutalist architecture in general, very energy inefficient by today's standards. Well, I hope you're learning as you go about the ever-changing landscape of London Town. It is Hinstock, and it is literally one of my favourite buildings in London. Really? Yeah.

It's not outwardly attractive, but I grew up with this building, and I just love it. It's very brutalist. Look at the big brutalist water tower on top of it. Exciting content. Now, where's that building, where's all those houses where they filmed Kingsmill? That's just there.

You can see it through the Alexandra Road estate, which now is listed and protected. Can you see it? No. I'll show you. When we move forward, I'll show you. But anyway, if you've watched Kingsman and where Eggsy lives with his family, that whole weird... Is it called Eggsy?

It is. His name's Eggsy. Is it? Yeah. The Tar on Egerton character is Eggsy. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Didn't he play Elton John? And he's playing Robin Hood now as well. That does not look good, the Robin Hood one, does it? I have no interest. Paul, just saying I have no interest about everything doesn't make for good content. It's like, have an opinion. He's just pointing out brutalist fucking architecture

that's now been listed. Yeah, which I have an opinion about. It's not like, I have no interest.. It's not like I have no interest. What about this movie? I have no... Our audience wants you saying the word cock or fuck. So let's just give them more of that. None of this factual shit.

Cock. Fuck. There we go. Gotta give it balance. Give with one hand, take with the other. One for the studio, one for yourself. What the fucking red light is saying. Anyway, we're heading in towards Kilburn. I want to show you this building. give with one hand take with the other one for the studio one for yourself I wonder what this fucking red light is saying look at this red light anyway we're heading in towards Kilburn look I want to show you

this building how long is this fucking red light going to be this red light has gone on for my whole life we're going to finish the podcast www dot

it becomes this pinterest play honestly about two men at a bus stop it's gone on for about five minutes it's been a while

hang on there's no sign of it changing either is there there's no sign of it changing play but two men at a bus stop it's gone on for about five minutes it's been a while i'm not changing over is there there's no sign of it changing cock again cock no i say cock oh here we go here we go all right oh yeah you see the back end of it you can see it better here from here yeah great we saw a little bit of it a a tiny corner of it, as we now go through Kilburn towards Kilburn High Road Station. In stock. Yeah, you've made that apparently very clear. That looks like pebble dash, but in fact that's, it's just a rough aggregate concrete.

Look at that, it had a little walkway there, but it's... Doesn't go anywhere. Yeah, because you called it muggingging Bridge, probably, looking at it. It doesn't look like a particularly safe area, that bit. We're now on Belsize Road, Paul, and we're going to go past the shop that my father used to own as a health food store called Abundance Health Foods. Well, that's fascinating. How long did it last for? A few years. It's this...

What, dry cleaners? to Priory Tavern. So there you go, a little bit of history. Oh, and now we're coming up to... We're getting off here. This is our stop, Kilburn High Road. Is it? I remember buying drugs from here with you once. Yay! Right, we're off the 31. We're now on Kilburn High Road. We're just literally seconds away, away Paul from our next bus stop. We'll be going all the way up north on the Kilburn High Road through Cricklewood

to Brent Cross. Now out of it, oh hang on there's lots of fucking traffic, this fucking cunt in a truck. Out of interest what? Why are we going this route? This is because this is my classic childhood route Why are we going this route? This is because this is my classic childhood route to Brent Cross. I grew up round here in Kilburn. So when we went to Brent Cross, we always would drive this way. And I'm just trying to give you a little flavour, Paul. A little bit of a nostalgic taste of the life you once lived.

Yes. When you had innocence and joy in your heart. And as I explained to you, we could have gone directly to Brent Cross from where I live now in Haringey. But it is long. No, there's a car. Don't get run over, Eli. That would affect the podcast adversely. It was very long. He's crossing anyway. Right, we're going. And very boring, just on the North Circular.

And this is colour and flavour. I like it. I like the fact that we're walking a path of your forefathers. Yes, that's indeed what we're doing. Or rather you. For you. I think that might be us. Are we getting straight on to this one? No, hang on, let me just check.

Why don't we go for a little walk? This is a charity shop. All right. No rushes, the darling. That's the N16. Let's check them out crick award crick award i don't think any of these buses are going to i don't think they are anyways the buses are going to um

189 he says well that's not from this bus stop this isn't the right bus no this is not let's have a little stroll up kilburn arrow to. Let's have a little stroll up Kilburn High Road, see what we can see. Hey look, there's another Greggs' Pool. That's right, I've had my one. Do you want one? Do you want some more? No. Do you want some more pastries? No.

When you attack me for going to Greggs', it's really shit. It's like a really shit... I fucking hate cunts on bikes, can I just say that now? Unnecessarily noisy, two-wheeled cunts. I agree. Right, so we're going to have a little look for the 189, you say it was. Yes. And then we'll pop into it.

Look, there's a British Art Foundation. Let's see what we see in there. Let's have a little... Oh, there's this one. That's a mega sale. Nah, it's just full of clothes. It's too cozy. It's not for us.

We're going to go in the BHF and see what we can get. Right. Well, we're back on the bus, we're on the 189. We got that from the Priory Park Road stop J, if you decide to follow us on Google Maps on this wonderful journey we're taking. And this is it. This is the pilgrimage bus now.

We're on, Paul. We're taking. And this is it. This is the pilgrimage bus now we're on, Paul. We made it. Congratulations. And we're hurtling through Kilburn and we're going to get to Shoot Up Road. Which I bet people have shot up in in its past. They have, but I think it's called that because it shoots up. You'll see it's a hill.

And that was where I lived for a number of years at the top of Shoot Up Hill in St Cuthbert's Road. There you go. Exciting stuff. Here, you see there's a gap between these buildings. There used to be an excellent Indian grocer's called Food World. And now it's nothing.

Stark reminder of the times economically we live in. Although there's a place called Meaty Buns now, which I approve of. That's a proper... Now, there used to be pubs like that, Sir Colin Campbell, all all up and down this whole place basically. There's a lot of pubs on this road full stop. It was County Kilbirnie very Irish part of London and that was the Good Ship that's gone now remember? Oh yeah the Good Ship Comedy Club yeah gone. You'll notice here there's a Woody Grill. Woody Grill scattered across North and North West London. Yes there are and that's a quite a good

one. This was used to be this Pepe's Piri Piri. Turkish restaurant for those who want to know more. Yes and here you'll see, here is the pool club. Remember that? Yeah because we got drugs from there. We used to go in there and buy ten bags of very very waxy skunk. This small and beautiful on the cheap show this restaurant small and beautiful very good value food there yeah I remember all this now this bronze

age where we had a pint once when a football match was on just because we had to get out of the rain yeah that was horrible wasn't it now we have just made a little stop off in a charity shop both of us have bought something Paul so yeah I we both got vinyl LPs. I'll start with mine, shall we? Squalor by Arapaho, or is it Arapaho by Squalor? What kind of music do you think it is?

Because it looks like kind of dancey... I think it could be... It's got a big Native American on it, then. Because that's an Arapaho, isn't it? That was a tribe, a Native American tribe. Were there ever Native Americans with a rap group called Arapaho? I bet there was. Probably.

Yes. I'm rapping now, I'm Arapaho. Hey, you could say it, it should be like... Shh, no. Move on. No, go on. If you had your people who worked for you as a prostitute, you should say, yeah, it's not working.

Anyway, it's got a €5 price sticker. It is obviously Italian, and it's in very good condition. What kind of music do you think it is? I think it's probably some kind of awful disco. But look, it's practically unplayed. Which might tell you how good it might be. Oh, yes, I can tell from the actual label on the record, they are a band called Squalor. Because it arapahos in quotes me denoting that that is the

name of this lp there's a track on it called black and decker weird yeah anyway i got to see what did you get i got as pointed out by your good self smash it smash hits party 89 30 smash hits from the year 1989 let's just have a quick look at what 89 had to offer in the uk pop charts especially for you not dance no it's just smash it yeah so at what 89 had to offer in the UK pop charts especially for you oh there's not dance dance mix it's just smash hits yeah

so especially for you Kylie and Jason they're a mega duet oh did you hear have you heard that joke what what kind of kebab where did

where did Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from Jason's Donovan mate that's it's genius anyway Buffalo Stanton Nina Cherry Yaz Erasure Sonia you'll never stop me Mate, that's... It's genius. Anyway, Buffalo Stanton,

Naina Cherry, Yaz, Erasure, Sonia, You'll Never Stop Me From Loving You, Blame It On The Boogie by Big Fun. That's good. Time Warped by Damien. That's not good.

Pink Sunshine, Fuzz, Straight Up by Paula Abdul. What else is on? Back To Life. Good Life is a classic. Yeah. However Do You Want Me. However Do You Want Me.

This is Shoot Uphill. We're on Shoot Uphill now. Oh, we're on Shoot Uphill. That's Temple. Song for Whoever closes out the album by the Beautiful South. A nice selection. But here we are, Shoot Uphill. These buildings, they've painted, but there's no cladding. Still going back to that. That's my right, St Cuthbert's Road.

I used to live up there. So there you go. Again, if you're following us on your mystical internet trip. Now, this big, ugly, modernist building has been sitting there my whole life. It's a kind of block of flats.

Yeah. And? It's kind of big, isn't it? I like it. Again, such an insightful journey we're on right now. He's going for the red light. Oh, the bus driver went for the red light

there was a little bit of action in the charity shop wasn't there where the old lady who goes into help on Wednesdays obviously is very lonely and wanted to speak to you it's your phone, I can hear your phone going off because when I moved it away it stopped

yeah there was an old lady there who was very interested in my uh purchase of a vinyl and she said when i wave it by you it goes off and you said oh a lot of stuff i just can't be bothered to talk to you old lady yeah i don't want to have a conversation with you because it's going nowhere i'm not going to get anything out of it so i want you to have a little huff of my bag oh mate meaty it's smells like you spilled gravy in it. I did, almost exactly right. Yesterday I got some chicken and brown rice soup from Pret a Manger and it sloshed all in my bag. I've got a nasty soupy bag. Would you like me to store your record in

there? Yeah, why not. Put the record in there. All right, good. Thank you for that. Oh, that slid out. Also, the records slid out as well as your cock. On that moment of awkward, awkward, awkward comedy. It's an urban fox. It's an urban fox. Oh, he looks very poorly. Oh, little fox. He's running away.

He doesn't care, does he? No. That's what they say. Body like a dog. Brain like a cat. The fox. I think that they seem quite primitive. They're like possums or something, you know? They're Britain's raccoons.

Anyway, let's now just sit back and relax. Unless anything pops up, let's just sit back and relax And enjoy the journey now to Brent Cross 189 now Coming through Cricklewood Cricklewood, not really the most interesting place at all But that's one of the reasons why

The TV show that I love, The Goodies Was set in Cricklewood, because it was boring Was it actually set there? Yeah, they owned a flat in Cricklewood where they did their... There's something on you which sets this off. It's weird. Shut up. Are you a robot sent from the future?

EliBot4000. No, not EliBot4000. I have come to eat curry and smoke weed. Must buy vinyl to protect music of the future. Look, shut up. We're passing Cricklewood Overground now. So yeah, the Goodies, Timbuk Taylor, Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie,

had their business that let them do anything, any time, any place, anywhere, whatever it was. And they had many adventures. And they chose Cricklewood because it was sort of humorously nothing happened here, is that right? And one of their albums, The Goodies Live, even though it's not live, that's the joke. One of the songs famously is called Cricklewood, which is a nice Beatles pastiche.

It's like a psychedelia pastiche, isn't it? Yeah. I think it's one of their greatest songs. I genuinely think some of the Goody stuff is quite fantastic. A lot of the stuff has not aged well, Bill. Admit it. If you're listening, Bill, I know you think you're that good, but not all of it was that good.

Now, I like this stretch of this bus journey, Paul, because we've really hit the suburbs here, and it's just... London's beginning to thin out. It is beginning to thin out. What are your impressions here? It's all just gone a bit sort of... It's all just a bit suburban-y, that London suburban-y. ...flat, but we will hit some of the motorway and this is it this is i love this bit

he loves this bit because this is where uh london becomes like the wild west untamed uncharted certainly does look at this it's all just a bit depressing isn't it so anyway this i just wanted to mention cricklewood very briefly as we head on down in towards brent cross what's our eta do you think it's now uh two o'clock we left at midday. We'll be there in about 20 minutes. Alright well then hopefully we'll get there and then we can fully explore Brent Cross a proper. Right we have just arrived. Paul. Yeah. Here we are at Brent Cross. Yes we're at Brent Cross. The bus terminated here. What are your first impressions? It's a bit grim, isn't it?

Because you have to cross a big river of motorways and cross over and all this stuff. It's all very industrial almost, isn't it? Sort of wasteland in between all of the roads around here. There's a few holiday in and there's a shopping outlet over there. And the design of the actual building itself is very sort of modernist late uh brutalist almost but a bit of a mismatch because you've got john lewis at one end there then in between the actual rest of the shopping center with some lovely um 70s pre-set concrete 70s window frames i like those and then at the end you've got fennec which is very brutalist because it's entirely clad with corduroy style concrete now let's go over

and have a little look at the river brent here paul yes which is what it crosses hence brent cross there's quite a bit of traffic there's a crossing there right i'm crossing the road and here we are at the river brent and it is a sorry fucking miserable sight if you can imagine every concrete gully basically if you can imagine every shit river you've ever seen in like a ken roach film or uh ken loach ken loach film or any grotty British urban drama. It's got it all. It's got food in it. There's an outflow pipe there.

Outflow. There's some bin bags. There's a shopping trolley textbook. Yeah. There's two. There's two shopping trolleys. But having said that, Paul, if you look closely, there was quite a bit of life and it looks quite clear, the water.

So it's unpolluted. It just is aesthetically not very pleasing. Look, there's ducks down there. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. There's little ducky woks. And here you can see that empty, big empty parking lot across the road. That's where they have the urban beach. What's the urban beach?

It's like a fun fair and they also have a beach there. The import sand or what? So maybe when they do that next year, we could come come and have a go on all the rides and stuff. Yeah, that sounds fun. At the far end there's Zippo Circus which is obviously setting itself up for the circus period, is there one? The circus period is where you fucking menstruate like an elephant. No, it's when you put a stomach... I'm bleeding buckets!

Oh, I'm about the circus period! It's going to catch on, Paul. It's going to catch on. You pull your sanitary pad out and it's like... There's like a big string of them. It's like clowns hoisting your pad. Like, oh, it's dripping on me clown head. Oh, you pull your knickers down and 30 clowns fall out.

Right. Well, there we go. And we're going to go in. So we're about to go in, basically, to Brent Cross Shopping Centre. There's a man on a bike. I'm not getting out of the way. He should be on the fucking road. He should be on the road.

But look, at least he said thank you. Fair enough. But there's a reason there's a cycle proficiency test so you can learn to cycle on the road not on what 22 inches of pavement against two and a half foot of pavement here it's not much here it's not much so yeah we're just here and taking in the sights and sounds and smells of Brent Cross. So it's just gone about, what, 20 past two? Yeah. We've got plenty of time, haven't we?

We've got plenty of time. I just thought I'd bring you a look at the river while the sun's still in the sky, Paul. Well, I'll take a picture so the audience can, if they want to, go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk and see pictures that accompany this wonderful travelogue episode of Cheap Show in the glorious, romantic, exciting town of Brent Cross. I might throw myself in the fucking river. You wouldn't drown in that. It's about fucking six inches deep. You fucking watch me. You could drown in that. I know you could drown, but it's not dangerously deep, is it?

It would be a statement. I made the effort to drown in six inches of fucking filthy Brent Cross water. Right. Signing off. The smell. We're on the escalators in John Lewis, and it's bringing me a big nostalgia hard-on, Paul. Quite good, because we, yeah, we decided to start our journey

in the shopping chain John Lewis, which, you know, is great, because I could go to any fucking John Lewis. And it'd look the same. It's a very quiet shopping area, I will say that. There's no music, it's just like a library almost, just people whispering and murmuring about things they'd like to buy. Now there's some toilets there. Is he going to go toilet?

I am going to go toilet, also. So seriously, we're starting in fucking John Lewis, a shop. Quite costly one. Well, what? It's a shopping centre. This whole thing is based about us going to the shops, Paul. I mean, that's what we're doing. Yeah, but it's John Lewis, mate.

It's boring. Think of something to say, then. Shit, yeah. Good, fuck you. I like that. Right, come with me to the toilet. Oh, good. This is where it gets exciting.

Shall I watch you slash? Stop getting distracted by pens. Right well I'll wait here then while you go for a piss. Great, are you going for a piss? Actually you know what, I need to go for a piss too. Right we've had a lovely pee now. Now Paul, what did you think of the facilities in John Lewis and Brent Cross Shopping Centre?

Clean. I had a very successful slash. And although there was the smell of someone dumping a load... I smelled that roast, though. Mate, there was someone who had a big roast. It's probably just coming through now, do you know what I mean? And he's saying he doesn't want to... I've got the whole story. He had a huge roast on Sunday. He suffers from constipation, but he's saved he doesn't want to I've got the whole story he had a huge roast

on Sunday he suffers from constipation but he's got the in-laws around so he's been he knows he can save it and he's just unloaded about a two pounder

I mean it did seem like it must have had a long shelf life and the toilets oh there's a reduced to clear section that's more cheap so brand appropriate

what have we got here in the reduced to clear section calligraphy pens tape dispenser slow tape dispenser still seven quid so it's not that reduced a giant pencil unknown i like that though a big wooden pencil sharpener it doesn't actually sharpen anything unlike our vegetable mandolin which had a use it's more of a desk tidy it's a it is a desk tidy now just to finish off for the toilets, Paul. Mate, really?

There's some stuff I need to say, okay? Yeah. They had air blades, Dyson air blades. Did you notice that? Yeah, and they're not great, apparently, are they? Are they? What do you think? Don't they spray...

I don't know, I don't give a fuck. You told me you didn't wash your hands. I did wash my hands. And you used an air blade? Yeah. So what's your opinion, then? I'm not fucking doing this it's boring it's boring i don't want to talk about air blade the hand

and did you notice did you notice one had a yellow trim and the other had a blue trim no but now this is put important paul come on i'm loving this this is such nothing here on the top deck of John Lewis, if I could just explain the layout of Bruntcross Shopping Centre a bit. It's on two levels, essentially, but at either end, you have a department store. You've got Fennec on one end and John Lewis on the other. That's where we are.

We're starting this journey of discovery in John Lewis, but they cover three floors. And then the connecting shopping centre in between is two floors, as you'll see. Now, the restaurant here in John Lewis, Brent Cross Shopping Centre, is called The Place to Eat. So does each end have an extra floor then? Yes. So it's shaped like a dog bone, if you can imagine.

It gets bulbous at either end. And then it's the... Or a two- come on come here now i want to show you the place i'm walking away no look at just have a look at the place why that's just weird as you can see there's a viewing platform yeah where you can have a sandwich or a hot meal there and you can look out over the whole of the uh the department store fuck this seriously this is wasted this is boring the lady said to me they actually they've shut the hot food counter it's not open today but you can get a hot drink or a sandwich so okay turn it off

fine let's go you turn it off go on walk ahead all right it's going on record now they're saying this is fucking awful. Awful way to start this. Fucking John Lewis. It's boring and expensive. It's because this weedy little cunt's having a nostalgic fucking mental breakdown. That's the uplift. You've got to go around the other way for the down one.

On the stairs. Stairs, escalator. Fucking Christmas everywhere. There's gaming over there. I don't care. It's expensive. It's a cheap show. We're in John Lewis.

A company that's, what, isn't it going to receivership or something or it's lost a load of money? What's that? They've got some fucking advert with Elton John

singing about getting a fucking piano. That's their Christmas this year. Here's a rich cunt playing piano. Merry fucking Christmas. I hate that.

You know what? I'm sorry you're listening to this. I'm going to stop. Let's go downstairs. And we'll enter the shopping centre proper. Let's go into the proper hub. When there's more interesting, more interesting things. Right, we

fucking escaped the middle class misery of John Lewis. And now we're walking through, well, the main bit're walking through the main mall bit. And you've got Victoria's Secret there. You have, what's this, Hollister, with their weird shop front, which looks like a sort of cabin or something.

And here is WH Smith, Paul. You want to go in WH Smith, don't you? Why? Because... Which is a news agency kind of place, for. You want to go in WH Smith, don't you? Why? Because... Which is a news agency kind of place, for those who want to know. When I was a child, it was here, WH Smith, but it covered both floors and it had its own stairs within the shop. And I used to go in there and I used to look at magazines and...

Now that I'm here, I'm realising what a tragic day out this is becoming I want to go and remember all the stuff when I was happy I want to go to a happy place

which is Brent Brent Cross is your happy place that's depressing as fuck I know but it's just my upbringing mate

now Paul bear in mind we're going to need one cheap eat item price of shite item and a Mikasa Sukasa I item, price a shite item and a Mikasa

Tsukasa. I got a price a shite item already, the album. No, but I know how much you've spent on it. You don't. Two quid. No. It was £1.99. No.

Yes it was. No. Take two points now then. Alright. If it be like this, right, let's just go home now, shall we? I'm going to get a big Mac and let's go home, okay? You don't want to be nice. What are we doing?

You're going to go into W.H. Smith's now and milk your belt and look at pens and books? No, there's W.H. Smith. Right, that's it. Do you want her to go inside, though? No, I want to go out with shit, isn't it? That's the other thing, the other point I wanted to make. W.H. Smith used to be your go-to for a load of stuff didn't it yeah now it's incredibly overpriced and what's more they're closing down the post offices and the shop that

they've selected to put the post offices in so you have to buy a bottle of water that costs seven quid but while you try and get your stamps you know they. They really are overpriced. Let's keep walking down this main bit. Right. Now, it's got a two-level. We're in the shaft of the bone of Brent Cross now, and it's got a two-level system. And on the inside, it doesn't look too bad. It's dated in that way that it's got that hangover of the 70s,

but they've kept it up all right. Yeah, it's very busy still. It's a busy shopping centre. And here we've got a middle section with a dome. A dome. That's exciting, isn't it? There's probably a Christmas grotto set up there now. So, yeah, that's good.

We should probably take pictures on the inside of here as well. You take some pics now. I'm bored of it. I'll take some pics. Yeah, you take some pics. Here we go. There's an M&S food hall. Vodafone. This is you take some pics. Here we go. There's an M&S food hall. Vodafone.

This is a fucking depressing episode. Sorry. I just bumped into a lady with a pram while I was having a rant. Ugly baby, anyway. The baby looked ugly. I'm going to take some pictures of the dome. Well, I spoke to that baby, Paul, and it doesn't think very much of you. Just proves what a cunt that little prick is, doesn't it?

The dome. Do you want to go see Santa? No. It's free. I'm not allowed to, am I? I'm too big. You're too big for Santa?

Here's the crossroad. Yeah. With Giorgio Armani poster with Cate Blanchett in the background. The true message of Christmas. I hate this. This actually might

probably be becoming my least favourite episode we've recorded. Why. I hate this. This actually might... Why? Probably becoming my least favourite episode we've recorded. Why? Look at this. You have to get a cheap item, mate. From here? Get some kind of item to eat.

Let's get something cheap from a place where everywhere I look there's branded expensive, you know, high street products. Sketches, let's get something cheap here. Holland and Barrett, no, they're expensive as well. M&S Food Hall, that's costly. Fenwick, that's going to be your knockoff harrods bollocks in it starbucks so let's get something cheap there or no timberlands you're right you get a great bargain there here we are this is like going out with my mum I just want to look at Zara for a skirt. I'm loving it, Paul. I'm loving that you hate it.

And here we are, right at the end of the... Now, where is the... Atmosphere, joy. Where's the McDonald's bit? We walked past it. It's over there. We walked past it. Are you sure? Yes.

Let's go down there, because I'm flagging. I need some food. All right, well, let's... We're going to take a break while Eli continues living the dream in Brent Cross. Fuck me. Let's get this and then we'll do the top floor. We'll do the top floor. All right, we'll do the top floor next.

Christ. There is nothing cheaper. This fucking beat is doing my head in as well. Fucking Christ. Ah, fuck off. There is nothing cheaper. This fucking beat is doing my head in as well. Fucking... Ah, fuck off. We can walk to the tube station on our way back. We're up on the second level now and there's a plaque. This plaque commemorates the visit of HRH, the Prince of Wales, KGB, TPC, CBD to the Brent Cross shopping centre on Thursday the 25th of June 1981.

So they put up a plaque just because he came here six or seven years after they built it? Yeah. Now underneath. The construction started in 73 it says there. They broke ground and they opened it what, three years later?

The contractors were Sir Robert McAlpine and Sons. They are quite famous, weren't they? Yeah. So, the Worshipful The Mayor of London Borough of Barnet, FD Gibson, and Sidney Mason Esquire, chairman of the Hammerson Group of Companies. What a boring fucking plaque that is. Well, it's just commemorating the building of the shopping centre. And if you can see,

look at this sort of fake marbling effect. If you can imagine, back when I used to come here as a child, Paul, the whole of the shopping centre was covered in that. They've toned that down somewhere. It's all clean and white. They've modernised it to make it clean and white. And like you say, they haven't done

such a bad job, have they really? No, it looks reasonably happy and nice. I don't think they should pull this down. It's you say, they haven't done such a bad job, have they really? No, it looks reasonably happy and nice. I don't think they should pull this down. It's nice. Are they planning on doing that? Well, they might. I think eventually they will as everything goes online.

They will. Places like this will cease to exist. And what's weird is people really complained about shopping centres and malls, didn't they? Like they were meant to be the end of the world

and the end of society and it was all awful. But now I'm starting to feel a nostalgia for places like this as everything becomes just online and and all you've got on the high streets are betting shops chicken shops and charity shops and charity shops clothes shops that's they stay open because you go to wear them and you get to try them on and stuff but they will eventually start to disappear i think as well as that as haptics become and you can see and there'll be all these that all this software that allows you to see the clothing on you if you put in your own measurements

that's already started to happen hasn't it the problem is it's not like this place is is like mall rats you know the film mall rights Kevin Smith's why what's different it has a very American mall vibe about it this it's built to be like that because what it was built in 74 the first one was built in Birmingham in 65 then it was Manchester and Liverpool with St John's Centre and the Arndale Centre and then this one opened in the 70s, this would have been one of the 5th or 6th in the country opened? Yeah but probably

one of the first in the London area. True I bet you used to travel out of London to come here for the excitement of it, what a fucking dreary time to be alive. I used to come here and my mum would go off and do some shopping and i'd she'd leave me in wh smith and i'd look at all of the magazines and you know what else they had they have they'd have those um cheap paperbacks not a lot of people know that

by uh michael cain yeah true they used to have those and uh we are going to find now paul the place where the mcdonald's is where I worked for two weeks back in the 90s. How did you lose that job? I just left. I went to university. Fair enough. All right, good. Two weeks' worth of work.

That is where the famous wooden animals and the horse's arse, which you could get in and it stank of the worst school locker room. Musty funk. It was the musty funk of a million children. Great. So, all right, well, let's have another little look around. Where are we going? Let's follow the sign for McDonald's there.

Let's follow the sign because he wants to go to Maccy D's. But again, we can't really do a cheap anything here because it's all Levi's and fucking Rolex and Sparks and Sparks and fucking... I know, now, come on. Tchaikovsky diamonds or whatever it's fucking called. It's very remiss of me. I didn't realise there would be nothing cheap.

But we're going to have to go into, for example, a shop like Boots or a shop like a supermarket and buy a very cheap item of food. And look at this. The only shop I would go into, the toy shop, fucking closed. Fuck, I hate today. Just have something to... Have a coffee or something. Cheer up.

Fuck me. That's a nice dome. I'm trying to be optimistic. Look, Fenwick. Yeah. Again, it's just like John Lewis, but at the opposite end of the building. Here we go. Now, we've turned a left corner into the little bit of Brent Cross

that is ultra familiar to me and now look in this centre part which now has a Costa that is where the wooden animals were Paul where you could play and smell the smell of a thousand unwashed children I'm going to point it out to you. Good. Even though I can see it, obviously. Fenwick's got its own restaurant.

The horse was just there. The horse was just there, mate. And then there was a caterpillar going around. I'd say take a picture, but there's a family of kids over there, and they might think you're a nonce. No, they wouldn't. If you were just sitting there with your camera phone out taking pictures of the area where you thought kids were going to be.

Yeah, but then no one's... Listen, I don't know why you brought that up. Why are you taking pictures of my kids? No, I'm taking a picture of where I used to play. I've got my CRB check on me. Have you brought yours? I don't have one. What?

I had mine done five years ago. Now it's out of date and it's out of date. Don't wink. Fucking cunt. Don't wink at me. Right, we're going to McDonald's, right? You're going to get something? Great. This is our cheap eats section everybody. Fucking McDonald's.

Well, let's not do our cheap eats section there. Let's not do any sections. Okay, fine. You still think you can make an episode out of this? I'm gonna. It's gonna be a story about how I killed you in fucking Brent Cross and left your body in the river. The river. That would be a good place to dump me.

Thank you. You'd have to keep me upright until you got to the river. How would you do that? Have you never seen Weekend at Bernie's? There was two of them. And one of them was Chandler from Friends. It wasn't Chandler from Friends in that. It wasn't. It was. I can tell

you for a fact, one of the cast members of Name the cast members of Weekend at Bernie's. Tick tock, tick tock. John Cryer and Barry Lewis. That is... I'm walking off before you can... Shut up. I'm going in there. Go on then. Stop recording.

You what? Well, Paul, as I was just saying to you, it's quite a strange... I am very nostalgic for this place, and here I am in this McDonald's restaurant where I worked briefly for two weeks. They had me in the back room. Hey-ho.

I was gobbling... Hey-ho! Trampcock. It was cock I was being pimped out by the manager and I did it for a quarter pounder of cheese meal they called you

happy meal didn't they they called me happy mouth shandy boy anyway we're here no that's not true I used to be back in the back I used to defrost

the onions is that on your CV McDonald's onion defroster I used to defrost the onions. Is that on your CV? McDonald's onion defroster. No. Well, for me, it's like, as I was saying to you just then, when I grew up in Birkenhead, there was a place called the Pyramid Centre,

which was our version of that, but I think it was built much later. I want to say early 90s, I think, the Pyramid Centre was built. Oh, really? Is that right? Yeah. So it's all glass and a bit fake. It's also very claustrophobic it's not got a lot of space to it but it's similar to this now where in back in the day there was more interesting variety of shops but now it's familiar it's costa starbucks it's blah blah blah it's you know all the phone shops and stuff as well it's all just kind of bit sort of monoculture hasn't it compared to back in the

80s. And like I was saying to you, I used to actually love it. Coming here and I'd look at all the magazines in WH Smith. We'd go to the toy shops and I'd get to see all the Transformers and all toys that I, you know, I wasn't spoiled for toys.

They wouldn't buy me a lot of plastic shit, my parents. Fair enough. So as I say, when you get the story about coming back here, I was saying to you when I went home to see my parents a little while ago they said we're going to the pyramid center do you want to come and i was like no don't want to go the pyramid center i didn't want to go back then yeah don't want to go back now mum and watch you go around the shops and try on clothes

in tk maxx i don't i don't want to do that i don't want to do that. I don't want to do this. Also. Alright, I'm sorry, mate. But I have noticed, right, just outside, there's the car park where James Bond did stunts. We're going to do that. But have we officially dropped any pretense of getting a price of shite?

Or that's all gone now? Like I said, let's pop into Waitrose and get something cheap. No. You could get some smoked oysters for about £1.50. Or we go to Timpson and get our keys cut. You'd guess how much it costs

for me to get my keys cut? It'd be about a fiver, won't it? Probably be more. It's that costly? Depending what keys you had getting cut. Mate, have I gone boring?

Have I turned into a boring person? This adventure has turned you boring. I'm going to look at the car park space. You stay there. You join me. I'm going to have a look. So, as I did all the research, it turns out that

Tomorrow Never Dies, a Bond film with Piers Brosnan in, was filmed in this car park. Now I'm going to have a little look to see if I can recognise any of the comedy scenes of Pierce Brosnan driving a BMW with a remote control phone.

Which back in the day seemed crazy, but these days, you just don't know what you can do with an Apple or a smartphone Android. Oh, I'm looking round. I mean, maybe. Let me take a picture. I've just realised that this segment is dangerously, dangerously close to Greg Turkington's from On Cinema, On Location. Here's where Here's where Peter Brosnan sat in the back of a BMW

as it was dragged around on a fucking pulley so he could do stunts Where's Eli? I'm going to have to go back for him I want to tell him more about it Has he fucking gone? Where's he fucking gone? Oh for fuck's sake

Useless Useless hairy pillock Where's he fucking gone? Oh, for fuck's sake. Useless, useless, hairy pillock. He's trying to call me. What are you doing? Where'd you go? I was trying to call you. I went to the car park. Where did you go?

I went to the car park just in there. That's good, innit? I went in and I was like... That's not the car park. That was that's good i went in and i was like not the car park that's the that's built much later this multi-story thing if you just go around the corner i'll show you the real brant cross yeah yeah but this is the building they filmed the bmw chasing was it a multi-level thing yeah and there's it's got a curly spiral thing on the outside oh he's going i was just saying that I got halfway through exploding it. Yeah that's it. Yeah the car goes round and round. I've taken one from inside you take one from outside. So yeah the cars go round

and he drives and then it comes out the window. Tomorrow never dies. Tomorrow dies again. Tomorrow lives and dies. Live and die tomorrow. Tomorrow never dies. It was the one Michelle Yeoh in and Jonathan Pryce. Yeoh. Yeoh. Right? And I was doing a little clip, I suddenly realised. Jonathan Pryce is the baddie.

When I was doing it in there going, this is where this is, I suddenly realised I was doing Greg Turkington's on cinema on location. You are, yes. You know, I thought. Well, you're doing it. That's what we're doing. So, there in that spirally bit. What year was that movie?

Oh, I want to say 96 97 yeah so this was all built in back in my day this was all flat but now it's where hollywood dreams come true where they film all the latest bond films this is the pinewood of car parks it's great here now you've got the view over utter suburban sprawl and nastiness that is the pilgrimage route came over that hill

look with the trees and stuff on top nice innit so I am now Eli officially fucking bored of this shitty

miserable shithole come on look at the there's concrete look at the curtaining the corduroy concrete alright what do you want to do I want to go to PC World and buy a sort of thing for the show.

It's not PC World here, is there? It's over the bridge. We're going to have to go outside through. We'll go through the warm, yeah. And then we'll come out through the other end. No, let me just say my goodbyes. I might never see this place again. This place meant so much to me.

My development, my childhood. You were just fucking sneering at it. Sneering. Oh, because it's not like it's back off off and off, but it's really depressing. I'm sorry. Do you want me to punch you in front of all these fucking people? There's no people. Stop lying. I fucking do you. I fucking do you. I'm not going to do that. You're going to bum me out. Shut up. Just say your piece. You heard it, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, stop trying to bum me.

I'm not. I think we all know I would never put that near that. All right, all right, all right. That, as if you had it out, which he does. I don't. Just say your piece. You've got to say goodbye to this place. Go on.

Bye, Frank Cross. I'll see you again when I'm going to buy a T-shirt next week. Great. So you could have... This isn't even like, oh, I haven't been here in a while or I may never come here again it's like take a shot of the

of the spiral car levelling up road I couldn't think of the sentence I need take a picture

and let's get out of this fucking wank hole there you go right good now we've done the glamour part of the show,

we can now think about moving on. We need to get shit done, so while we're out, we're going to go buy some more equipment for the podcast. Thanks to our Patreon people. Thank you so much for making this trip possible, and I've had a lovely day, Paul. Great, you've had a lovely day.

I got to see where the stinky-arsed wooden horse was. Anyway, thank you, Patreon people. If you'd like to donate to Cheap Show... Frosty coloured memories. Please go to www.thecheapshow.com Like the corridors of my mind. Go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and donate as little or as a lot as you want.

There was a wooden caterpillar here. I'm seriously going to fucking do you in. There's a giraffe as well, I think. What a waste of time. We've just come out the other end and then I've realised I've got to go back to the other end where Fennec is to go walking.

Well, you were the one who looked at... Look, I can see Toys R Us and Babies R Us, Paul. Closed. They're closed for good, aren't they? Do you know why? Stupid naming policy. No, I don't think it was that.

So now we've got to go back. So we walked through to stay warm, and now we're staying outside to walk back. It was a long way round, back up to Fenwick. This day is nothing but a series of frustrations for me. I've had a lovely time, Paul. Thanks for joining me on my nostalgic trip to Brent Cross Shopping Centre. Ah, I feel refreshed, spiritually.

Anything that makes you happy is the antithesis to me. On the bright side, though, at least we're not getting a bus with a bunch of those school kids. Can't be arsed with that. We're looking for a bunch of school kids now. Well, at least you've got your CRB check with you You've got that on So if anyone says anything untoward You can pull it out and prove them wrong

And I also can get my CRB check out Ayo Fucking hell he's on fire all the time I've got me cock out I've got me cock out I've got me cock out Right okay Just say it loud in front of kids and families

At the bus stops. Hustle, hustle. Got to hustle. We're hustling. Now, it's still daylight. We've still got some light left in the day. So the day's far from over, ladies and gentlemen. Exciting stuff. I wonder what they're pulling down there, what that used to be. It looks like maybe a road or something, an over road.

Yeah. Over pass. Right we how do we get to where we want to go now over there right where toys are us it's somewhere no it's that way because the station's that way so the problem we're having right now is it's not really pedestrian friendly this route we're taking you've got to go under and through and round a bunch of motorway overpasses that link a bunch of roads together it's lovely it's not lovely there's nothing lovely about this area well you know lovely in that kind of anti-lovely way look at just look at that concrete on the outside of Fenwick, that beautiful corduroy concrete and tell me that's not lovely.

Take a picture of me in front of the concrete posing. I want a pretty picture. This is my journalist pose. Yeah. All right, good. Nice bit of corrugated concrete. Now, do you think we go up here? I don't think we can, do we?

We don't need to. Yeah, we can't go over there, can we? Let's go up there. Well, there's a... Oh, fuck. This is where we now get lost. For hours. No!

I don't even know what's up here. This is where we were. Yeah, this is where we were. There's an underpass. There's an underpass under the road there, I bet that's where we go. Underpass under the road. Underpass under the road. Underpass under the road. Now, I'm just going to get my map on.

I'm going to stop recording for a bit and get my map out and check we're going in the right direction before we make any more decisions. Because maybe that's it over there. I think it is. Past the old Toys R Us. That's a Tesco, isn't it? It looks like there's it over there past the old Toys R Us that's a Tesco in it it looks like this activity over there not so much activity over here we've literally just come the whole fucking loop-de-loop right I'm gonna get my map out here we go so went the wrong direction completely in the wrong direction so we're heading back to the bus stop where we're going to have to get the 266

for a few minutes rather than fucking walk it, which I think, personally, would be a nightmare. The walk would be a nightmare, you think? I think we'll just get confused. Yeah, the bus is going to help us find the way. It'll take us right there, and then we're a hop, skip and a jump to a little tube station where we can journey on more.

What a lovely little day. It's not. It's really not. Stop trying to convince me. I'm not convincing you. I don't need to convince you of anything, Paul. Yeah? I've had a nice time.

Yeah? You could go, What a cunt Eli is. All you like. Yeah, I will. Yeah, you have. I will and I will continue to do so. There's a bus stop.

There's some policemen. Who are we going to make it for? I don't know where the 266 is yet, so let's try and find that out. Right, 266. Where is it? We'll figure out. We'll report when we're on the bus. Right, we raced onto the 266

just in time, and now Eli's saying goodbye to Brent Cross Bye bye Brent Cross, I'll see you soon Making this whole nostalgic journey fucking pointless if he comes semi-regularly I don't come semi I come when I'm fully erect I'm just going to pull the mic away for that, frankly

So this should take us straight to PC World Outlet Village, because where are we going to go next? Why are you so hot on PC World? Because I want to get some tech, because this recorder's on the fritz. I want to buy one to replace it, and also that way we've got two then, which means you can use one instead of your wanky, stupid, steggy phone. Steggy?

Yeah, I'm bringing words back from the 80s I'm not using well. You've got a steggy phone. And skiddies is the other one, yeah? And donkey's ears. So we're going over the flyby and we're going back. Bus swirls back into the suburban miasma. If we get lost too badly, we can always book a room there. Together?

No, I'll get you a... I'll get you your own room. Oh, Mr Moneybags spoils me. You have to come. Knock, knocky, knock. Knockity, knock, knock, knock. Get ready for some gay panic comedy material from Eli Silverman coming real soon.

Oh, shut up then. I won't say it. Good. Right, let's just get to where we want to go. Right. Wrapping this fucking day up. Paul, what a waste of fucking stupid time. All right. Paul, I've got a great idea.

I've got this thing to go bank crossing while I have this adventure. It'll be a nice day out. Give me it. Right, everything he says, bad. Everything I say, good. Well, PC World was a waste of fucking time you didn't have what you wanted no what we're going to do now we're going to check argos also paul staples corner retail park whatever you call this is a bit grim in it but yeah what i can see there's a building that's built like a traditional chinese building that's lee's travel but can you see what's a building that's built like a traditional Chinese building.

That's Lee's Travel. But can you see what's poking up behind that? It's a little other building, similarly designed. And you know what wingyip here? Are they manufacturers of soy sauce? That is a warehouse-sized Chinese restaurant. I mean, Chinese grocers. Are you saying we should rob the place on a big heist?

We're going to go and look at some noodles. And could this day get any better? I fucking hate today. Right, I'm going to go Argos. Well, I mean, it's a different type of episode. Isn't it? It's a different type. It's nice to vary it up with these travelogue adventures.

It's fine. Look, there's a huge Chinese grocer there. How are we going to cross the road? That's a bit of drama. Look, we're going into Argos to see if we can buy a voice recorder. I bet people fucking love that, Paul. Shut the fuck up. It's your idea to come to this miserable part of North London anyway. I'm going to go have a look. Argos equal no. Now we're going to go have a look Argos Equal

No Now We're going to the wing yip There's going to be noodles in there You would never believe existed man This is it We were meant to come here Is this the big finale?

Yeah Where you get to go to a fucking Wing yip Open daily Until 7 Wow We're not going to miss it then Paul Because it's only about 4.30

So angry Come on until 7. Wow. We're not going to miss it then, Paul, because it's only about 4.30. I'm so angry. Come on. How do we cross? How do we cross? I don't know how we're going to get across this road. I think up there. Unless we bowfinger it.

What do you mean bowfinger it? You know that scene in Bowfinger where they force Eddie Murphy to chase one across the road and he said, no, it's all stunt drivers, you'll be fine. And then they ran him over? Yeah. No, look, there's a crossing. There's a crossing.

Right, Wing Yip. What else is in this little centre? The Edge something business centre. Oh, God. New Avenue. Wing Yip is cool, though. Look, it's built like a Chinese building. Like a ceremonial, a traditional Chinese building. Is that good or what?

It's good for you. Today's been like my apocalypse. Eddie Sobot. Eddie Sobot. One all. One all. Alright. I knew that would happen. I'm owning this episode. What have you done? You just got pissed off and failed to buy some equipment. This has been my hearts of darkness. Hearts of darkness?

Yeah. Is it like hearts of palm? No, heart of darkness. Can you buy a can of hearts of darkness? Just shut up. Fucking finish this fucking episode with the grand finale of you getting to fucking buy noodles. I'll take a photo of it. You take a photo of it then.

When we get closer to it. Fuck me, it is. I'm crossing over. Fuck him. Stupid little fucking inbred dork. God, I hate today. Hate today. I was promised maybe a nostalgic journey learning something more about Eli. inbred dork God, I hate today hate today I was promised maybe a nostalgic journey

learning something more about Eli No! Look at him Look at him, happy as fucking Larry Happy as fucking Larry Well, thank you for listening to Cheap Show in our Brent Cross travelogue adventure where Eli got to sniff his past and I got to scrub the gooch of his memories.

I'm genuinely excited. This is like something magical's happened. We came to Brent Cross and something happened. The magic. Did you take a picture? Yeah. One that you're happy with? Yes.

Hey, just to tell you it's been awful for me. It's been just like coming out shopping with my mum except as if my mum was you. Yeah,

imagine that. No. I really don't want her. Imagine your mum putting some kind of vegetable into an oven. Right, okay, well you're going to cling on to that. Can I I really don't want to. Imagine your mum putting some kind of vegetable into an oven. Right, okay. Well, you're going to cling on to that.

Can I dress up as your mum and then get a big bunch of cucumbers and put them in an oven? You want to dress up as my mum and put veg in the oven? Look, they've got a Chinese restaurant here. Look at the size of that. I hate this. I feel like we've literally found your Emerald City after this. Look at it. It's crazy.

Let's go to the noodle section, yeah? There's business centre on the ground floor. So the holy doors open. And look. A supermarket, Eli. What are your thoughts? Smells of Chinese food. Going this way.

You know, where the arrows are. Wow. Seriously, I've never seen everybody, Eli, so happy. I've never seen him so happy. That's a really good price for XO sauce. You know, I was talking about that's the ultimate pimp of a noodle. What's XO sauce? It was invented in Hong Kong.

Oh, no, just don't give me the details what sauce is it it's like a chili oil with seafood really let me just check so you got sugar garlic soybean oil water shallot dried shrimp dried scallop yeah i'm gonna get that good you you treat yourself mate it's a special it's your special day i'm going to have to come up with a day to drag you along to yeah what? what would you drag me along to? Ghostbusters party I'll go to that

I like that what's that sauce with the egg on? Thai dipping sauce that is you get that quite it's quite common isn't it with noodles you get that dip an egg in it or something oyster

I'm just looking for a a soy a good soy here what's a good soy but in your estimation well Kika man's good brand that's a classic red top comes in its own dispenser which is always handy it's green for 43% less salt yeah that's for healthy buds in it you're getting older, you want to think about eating more healthily. Alright, whatever. But I tried mushroom flavour soy sauce the other day, and that's very nice.

I don't think they have any, they must have some. Oh look, they sell a well-being cooker for rice and bread. Oh that's good. It's good, made in Korea though. Look, double deluxe soy sauce. Don't know why that's a point. deluxe soy sauce what makes it double deluxe this soy sauce is made with an ancient secret natural fermentation method koji starter non-gm soybean and flour this is the most boring every time i think this episode

can't get any more boring and worse and depressing for me it It gets incrementally better for you. I need a basket. I'm going to get a basket. He's getting a basket, which means he's all in. Let's see where this goes. If you've tuned in to listen to something a bit more exciting with adventure and stakes and plot and a game element, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I mean, I hate to make fun of the smaller things on today's show, but I have just seen, and I quote, ladies' choice sandwich spread. Is that ladies' choice? It's classy. Do you know what that is?

What? Spuff. Is it ladies' spuff? It looks like. It's got the consistency of spuff, doesn't it? It's lampy spuff. Lampy egg spuff. It's got skippy, creamy peanut butter.

Are you creamy or are you extra chunky? I'm chunky. What about you? Chunky. I hate that creamy does that thing where you get too much in your mouth and it starts to go down your throat at a rate that you can't control. Clots. Well, there's honey and...

Lady's Choice. Lady's Choice. If you see any other amusingly named products, we'll let you know. So what are you on the lookout today for in this place? Mate, I'm dying inside. Mainly noodles. All right. Well, can we maybe just skip to the noodle part then?

Because going up and down these aisles, looking at fish and creams and... Look at those special pickles. Oh, mate. There's lots of pickle. Pickle lettuce, pickled cucumber. Here. Pickled lettuce in soy sauce. Oooh. Oooh. Pickled, what's that? Pickled red chilli. No, I'm having the pickled lettuce. You're having the pickled lettuce and cucumber and soy sauce.

Yeah. God. We'll get to the noodles. Look, we're at the tea aisle. Oh, wow. Oh, there's all four. No, I don't like crab. Oh, it's scary and sad.

Look at the sad crab. Oh, don't look at the sad crab. It's actually sad. Oh, what's this? It sad crab. It's actually sad. Oh, what's this? It looks like a bottle of spoff. Soy milk drink, that is. Yeah, but it looks like a bottle of spoff. Oh, ginger beer.

You've got your light tea drinks and green jelly. One of the first things we ever tried on Cheap Show, that. See? Remember? It's a sit-down memory lane for both of us. This might even actually be the brand we got that time. I think it was. Grass jelly, yeah. It was disgusting.

Very bad. How are you meant to drink it just like that? Yeah, just glug it down. Glug it straight down, yeah. Here's the booze. Oh, here's the booze. It's in town. Nice brand.

Tiger, nice brand. Asahi, nice brand. Chang, nice brand. Singha, nice brand. Saigon Export, not a nice brand. What is Lucky Buddha Beer like? Because I love the bottle. Look at the bottle. I love it. That's the best bottle I've ever seen. It is one of the best things I've ever seen in my life.

Come on, we'll get one of those. That's fine. How much is it? That's cheap. Well, that's exciting, isn't it? We've got a funny bottle. Yes, very good. Now, we've got lots of stuff to show people now. It's open till seven, so let's just hang out here till seven. If that happens, I'm going to kick you to death. Come on, we've got a few aisles to go, though. Yeah, now I'm well aware.

Well, what's all this stuff in cages that's all sealed off? Oh, they're knives. It is an offence to sell this knife to anyone under the age of 18 are these like for making like food preparation it's a cleaver it's very traditional chinese will use a very sharp cleaver which is like a square blade and they use that the the flat of the blade to crush garlic and ginger and stuff and then you can do a lot of stuff with it, basically. So those are nice, yeah. But it is dangerous, and they go from £3 to £68. So, yeah, it's good, isn't it? Meat shears, vanilla pods, it's all going on.

They've got some saffron. That's the most expensive spice on the planet. Pound for pound? Yeah, much more expensive than gold. Because you have to grow a massive... They're the stamen of flowers. You have to grow a huge flower just to pick the little stringy bits out it's sex organs human disgustingness look at that that abalone cost 40 quid for a can what's abalone it's like

a poncey it's a shell look you can see this picture it's a shellfish it looks like a massive phlegm it's like it looks like big clit made out of phlegm. It's a big oyster clit, yeah. And look, this whiskey's bloody expensive. Is it nice, our bologna? It is if you like seafood, yeah. It's a delicacy. Yeah.

Well, it should be a fucking... How much is that can? 425 grams for 40 quid. Wow. And so there's many of them in there. It's not like one big phlegm clit in there for you to eat. No, I think there's probably a few in there, yeah. Uh oh.

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Take a photo. Take a photo of Eli's Mecca. We've made it. We're in the noodle aisle and boy howdy, what a selection. The size of that. There's two sides to it. And then there's a candy section in the next aisle, so I'll be excited about that. Excited about that. Now, let's see. There's a lot that we've tasted here, Paul. And then there's a candy section in the next aisle, so I'll be excited about that. Excited about that. Now, let's see. There's a lot that we've tasted here, Paul. Aren't there?

I'm sure over the course of one hundred and three, four episodes, we have tasted a broad variety of noodles, from hot to cold, from spicy to mild. These are the two times spicy ones that the dragon made us eat. That didn't happen and stop bringing it up. Oh there's also an update on Noel Watch, someone sent me a link on Twitter. Apparently he's been practicing for I'm a Celeb by... By giving a kangaroo a blowy.

That would be good. He wouldn't admit that, no. What he said he did was he went into the garden and ate his worms. Really? I used to eat worms so... Yeah, so you're like noel edmunds then i am like noel edmunds these are bloody good these lucky me pancit canton chili mansi flavor that is a chili did we try these no we will be i'm having these i'm having four packs of these these are so good why not the yellow ones i had those those because they're just original flavor. It's the same concept.

It's a sort of dry, stir-fried style where you just take the water off and then mix it with the paste. Mate, mentally I've checked out. The minute we walked in here, the minute we walked in here,

I just kind of resigned myself to this happening. And I'm just in a different place right now, while you do what you want. I love it here. I hate it here. Oh, and I found it. I different place right now, Wog. You do what you want. I love it here. I hate it here. Oh, and I found it. I found them. I found them.

What have you found? The broad ones. Mate, honestly, are you a bit erect right now? I'm set. No, I'm just sort of a bit too messant, but there's just sort of droplets sort of oozing their way out

as I'm moving around. Right, so it's more of a sad dribble. Wow well Eli's happy so I guess I'm happy. Look those are the ones that we did a noodle swap in the live show that's what was swapped. Great. There's actually a that's the Nong Shim vegetarian flavour ramen. And if you'd like a review of that noodle, ladies and gentlemen, you can go to our Reddit page and Mr Mark Allen has put up a review. So we leave the noodle aisle now. Eli feeling richer for it.

Yeah, sweetie aisle now. I'm going to go, oh, let's have a look. Now these are something that I did want to, I saw in Chinatown, I did want to try on the show, Paul. So shall we try these? Mango pudding. Yeah. Or, no, but they've got lychee pudding, mango pudding.

You get what you want, mate. What do you think would be most interesting? I don't know. I don't know. Get mango pudding. I'm going to have a look at it. What are they? Hot garlic flavour. Boy bewang cornic. So you're gonna have a

boy's wang in your mouth? Yes. Oh look, cola sherbet. Now we've mentioned it, we've been made to look fools. Alright we're going back up now and round. What are you looking for? Have you ever seen a larger container of fried shallots? Not in my lifetime. They probably put all that in there and then they went, that's shallot. These noodles are pissing me off because they're not the ones I want. The wee-lee-lee onion noodle.

Do you remember that noodle we had which has a little bowl on the side for the broth? Yeah. That's that brand, but that's not that type. What about that one? No, that's beef. You can see that. Oh. You can tell from the shot there's water in with that noodle, isn't there? So it's a soup-based noodle rather than a quote-unquote dry.

Yeah. But that's the whole magic of that particular one. I'm so fucking depressed. So depressed. I've got to check my figure now. I'm over 40. What do you mean check your figure? I've got to be more careful of what I put in my body. You certainly do, especially when you eat

things that aren't technically... No comment! No comment. So what's all this? And this is like dried meat. Yeah, all the dried pork sausages. Wind dried pork sausages. That's like your toilet Yeah, all the dried pork sausages Wind dried pork sausages That's like your toilet Look, poons pork sausages That's just like your...

I don't know We've got one more aisle Right, what are we looking at now? Look at that king oyster mushroom That's an impressive sized mushroom Look at the stalk on it Whereas yours is a bit more like one of these, innit? Fresh golden mushrooms.

That's your knob. Tiny, thin, long. Bet your dick looks like Kenneth Williams' forefinger. This is the big part where they have forklifts and you can buy by the book. We won't go in there. That's for big boys. We're done here, Paul. Are we fucking done here?

I'm going to get a little tin of that warm drink. Okay, let's do that. Yeah, come on going to get a little tin of that warm drink. Okay, let's do that, yeah. Come on. Walk out with to the bus stop. Yes. Well, we started the day in our meagre surroundings in Haringey. Our journey of nostalgia and of youth led us to Brent Cross, which ultimately was a washout.

I couldn't find anything I wanted in PC World on a whim, but luckily for Eli, it ended on such a high today. It really did. It's such a high. Did you fart? No, that's the... Oh, I think that's the seafood. It smells like your bedroom.

It's your crab. Oh, those crabs just trapped... Oh, it makes me sad. It stinks. What? There's a sign there I want you to read out to the ladies and gentlemen.

What does it say? It says Cock Crab. Hey, look. what to read out to the ladies and gentlemen what does it say it says cock crab hey look they've got those little japanese uh soft drinks that have the i'm gonna have one ramoon ramoon yeah i don't know which one i want though i'm gonna go for the original so i i just generally like the original flavor best i'm gonna get one that's what i'm gonna get what are you gonna get i might get a mogu mogu mango drink. Oh, there's an F&N ice cream soda. Shall we get that and taste that as well?

If you want. So we'll get back and we'll test a few of these things when we get back. That's good. It's not been a washout. It's been a good episode. I had a festive bake. It's been a good episode, yeah. Alright, I'm going to go. Are you going to buy now?

Do you want a hot, warm drink? I'll get it for you. What do you want? Yeah? Oh. Right, I'm going to go. Are you going to buy now? Yeah. Do you want a hot, warm drink? Yeah. I'll get it for you. What do you want? Coffee, please. Coffee, I'll go get it. You go pay. Right.

Hello. Hi, hello. Hello, just these, please. Right, what bus number is this? Two... I can't remember the bus number. Three two... Two three six? Two three two.

Two three two. Anyway, we got it from stop SU. What does it say? It just said Sandball Crescent, didn't say the number. Anyway it's going to turn Pike Lane this bus and it's taken us all the way home. This is the long route you were saying at the beginning of the show. This is the long route that we avoided at the beginning. And we've decided to take on the way back. This is the long route you were saying at the beginning of the show. This is the long route that we avoided at the beginning. And we've decided to take on the way back when the traffic's bad on the North Circular. Yeah.

But it just lets us relax, chill. We're going to be here for about four hours. Well, at least you've got all this fucking food to chew on then until then. They're all dry noodles. Would you like a mouthful of dry noodle and some soy sauce? Absolutely not. So we're just going to relax now and enjoy the slow journey home. I look outside the window and there are cars.

It's not very scenic, this route. That's why I didn't want to take us. It's not scenic at all. It's just what, dual carriageway? 232. There it is. There's our bus going the other way. Oh, to Staples Corner.

So, yeah, we came from Staples Corner on the 232 there is there's our bus going the other way oh to staples corner so yeah we came from staples corner on the 232 we're heading back to turnpike lane now where our journey will end and we'll head back to the house of pickles and take stock of our day how are we going to get back from turnpike lane walk i'm not walking i'm taking boss yeah fine so it's not a last bus then is it well all right okay Kate, our last bus of note. Yes. Oh, that's what we should mention. That LP that I bought in British Health Foundation in Kilburn.

Squaller by Arapaho. Arapaho by Squaller. Arapaho by Squaller. Yeah. Has a picture of a Native American. One can only guess he's from the Arapaho tribe. He's got a bonk

on and it's tenting his loincloth. It's funny because when we first looked at it we didn't even see it at all but you can't miss it. He's literally tenting his loincloth and on the back there's a little... and it's an impressive bulge let's just be honest. There's a detail he's got a stalk of nations. That's me I'm done for today. I bet that leaves more than a trail of tears. Is that? Oh that's not good. So let's just relax on this bus journey as we sit right by the engine. Oh it's almost a full moon. Yeah I think that's a sign of Edmunds joining the jungle. I can't see.

It's that way. It's up that way. Can you see it? It's slightly misty through the window. I can't see. Never mind. You'll see it eventually.

I'll see it eventually. Alright, well, it's been a long day. for Edmunds? What are your predictions? I think he'll blow off at someone and be asked to politely leave the jungle.

So you think there'll be an indiscretion where he gets angry? Because he'll say... Everyone wants to see... The whole nation wants to see him go Rambo, don't they, basically? Some will say, oh, I lost my husband, wife, boyfriend, brother, sister to cancer.

And he'll say, I've got a box that'll fix that. And then it'll kick off. He'll say something about his cure for cancer. Is that your prediction? And then someone else will say, that's dangerous, bad, mystical think talk. Pseudo-science. Yeah.

And they'll say no it's real i believe it and your sister died because she deserved it and then it'll all spiral and then they'll say uh no can you just come out come here no have a little word with you no and then he gets ousted from the jungle does he still get his fee he still gets his course he gets his fee he gets his fee the only way he won't get his fee is if he murders someone that is so sly his little statement about giving up TV for good if he wins

it's so scheming it's Machiavellian isn't it it's like emotional blackmail almost of saying go on you want rid of me so just make me fucking win this I need it

yeah yeah I need your love but I need your love to be genuine yeah yeah he thinks he's being clever but it's it's too clever by half. Well, we'll soon see how clever or not it is in the jungle.

Although, again, by the time this episode goes out, he might have been dead by then, so who knows? Now, Paul, you know what's annoying me? All the stops starting. The bus has not got a working display of all the stations we're going through. He's got a point. He's got a working display of all the stations we're going through he's got a point he's got a point oh well and i remember this corner this is not too far away from me eventually my old

stomping ground yeah temple up the road towards gold is green yeah up that way is eventually central that's right and up this way we're not going to go through it i think we're going to go through and over onto the motorway again, but we're going to swing past East Finchley ever so briefly. Oh, yeah, we're not going to go into East Finchley at all. My old stomping ground, where I spent eight miserable years of my life contemplating suicide. The whole time? A good chunk of it.

My room was tiny, and I swore it was a cell, and I went back to it alone most nights and ate Haribo and got stoned until the pain went away. Yeah, not really good. No, but I'm happier now. He's shrugging. Shush. It's a visual moment in an audio podcast.

All right. So should we just relax then? Yeah, let's relax. All right, let's just relax. We'll be having a little taste of everything we picked up in the Chinese grocers when we get back. So we've got a mango pie. Yeah. That drink.

A drink, and that's about it. And no, some garlic Wang boy wangs. Yeah, I can't wait to get my hands on the boy wang. I want a hot garlicky boy wang right in my mouth. All right, okay, we got the point.

Right, see you later. Right. This fucking journey's coming to a slow end. We're on our sixth bus of the day. You've done the math. I've done the math, Paul, and you'll be glad to hear that we've been on six buses.

Yeah, we got off at Wood Green. Wood Green, we got off the 232. Now, I think you'll join me in agreeing with me in saying that the 232 was an arduous and cramped little bus. It was cramped, it was pokey, and it was a long, slow journey. Slong, Loach. Shut up. Let it go. So anyway, we're on our last journey now.

If you've been tracking us, the bus stop we changed for the 141 was the M. It wasn't that. He's lying now. I didn't take a note of the last bus stop, so I'm using this one. It was the one outside Woodgreen Station. Heading down towards Turnpike. Heading south from Woodgreen Station.

Yeah, anyway, if you're following us, we've actually done a little circle, when you think about it probably, today, haven't we? We are approaching my gaff from the opposite direction than what we set out from, Paul, yes. We've gone a loop-de-loop. And when we get in, we've got some lovely mango pots to taste. We've got a photo of that Buddha beer. The Buddha beer, remember that? Buddha beer? Yeah. Buddha beer? Buddha beer. Would you like a bit of Buddha beer? I would love a bit of Buddha beer. The Buddha beer. Remember that? Buddha beer. Yeah. Buddha beer. Buddha beer. Would you like a bit of Buddha beer? I would love a bit of Buddha beer. Would you like a big bit of Buddha beer?

I would like a big bit of Buddha beer. Would you like a big bouncy bit of Buddha beer? I would like a big bouncy bit of Buddha beer. Right. So... It's been that kind of day. It has been. It's been a long day.

We set out at midday. It's now seven minutes past six p.m. That's a full six hours. Most of that's been on buses. Most of it has, yes. I apologise, but... It's like that Radio Shuttleworth thing, 500 bus stops. Did he go and see lots of bus stops?

I think he was trying to travel the whole of the UK, only using public buses. Did he manage it? No. That was part of the joke he gives up halfway through. He didn't actually try it? No, he does. It was based on a...

Oh, you know what? I'm not going to get into it. Check out 500 Bus Stops by John Shuttleworth, a British comedy character. I'd like to do that. I'd like to do that, to be honest, as well. See if you can get from Brighton to Edinburgh. We could just do a mini Brighton to London one, couldn't we?

It's probably doable. I mean, the thing is, can you get public buses? You can. You can get a bus out to the out thing is, can you get public buses? You can. You can get a bus out to the outskirts and you get some from there down to... We'd have to work it out, wouldn't we? It's a little adventure, isn't it? A little adventure.

If this episode goes well, we will be doing a Brighton special where there's more scope with a whole city rather than just one 1970s shopping mall. Yeah, I went to brighton recently to see some friends and got caught up in the hubbub of exciting charity shops that were a plenty a plenty there no charity shops in brent cross no just the feeling of charity what do you mean desperate give a little bit i don't know i don't know what i mean it's a sad part of the london it's not a sad part of the london it's a great part of the london no it's not look what the name of that cafe bar is plov div

so easily impressed right right we've just got a few more stops now and then we'll be back at the house of pickles long day also watch. My flatmate might be angry with me because we left the heating on. I say we, you left it on. It's not my responsibility to look after you and your flat. You say that, but, you know. Yeah, I am. And Rogan will be the last person to blame me

for leaving the heating on. Besides, lovely warm flat to come back to. Are you staying the night again, Paul? No. All right. I'm heading back tonight ok bye this section ends

which is summer I made loads of boy wang jokes and now they're gone forever sorry your boy wang jokes are gone forever we're in the house of Pickles living room. We're just in the living room. Where now, thankfully, we can skip past all that horrible Leaky Ken material you had about putting your penis on my forehead when I slept.

Which is what Leaky Ken does. Yeah, and we'll skip right to the meat of what we collected. Now, let's just get a few of the things out of the way we want to talk about now because we're going to have to do it again. And I'm not going through all this again. Okay. All right? Snippy snappy.

Well, we were at Brent Cross today and then we found a Chinese supermarket when we were looking for some of your boring, dry podcasting equipment. And we picked up some items for tasting. Firstly, these little individual puddings. I've seen these about by a company called Cock-On. Cock-On? Cock-Off.

You Cock-Off. So what do you do when you clock on? You put your cock on. Imagine you were like a lesbian worker in a fuck factory. Right, okay. You know what you'd do if you were a lesbian worker in a fuck factory? This is so offensive already. You'd get there in the morning, you'd clock on, and then you'd put your cock on.

You know. Why is a lesbian going to put a cock on? To fuck other lesbians. No, you know nothing about lesbian love, sex. No, you shut up. Shut up. So. Can I just explain?

These are individual little pudding pots. The ingredients say that they have... They're mango flavour. They've got coconut gel in them. Lots of other stuff. So... They do lots of other flavours, but I only managed to get mango today. Mango pudding.

Mango dinner. Mango breakfast. Thanks for nicking my joke from the bit there. Mango poo. I nicked it from you. Right for nicking my joke from the bit there. Mango poo. I nicked it from you. Right. Now, we've eaten these, Paul. What did you think?

First of all, the smell was really quite pleasant. Not overly sweet. In fact, the whole thing about it is genuinely really pleasant and nice to eat. Yes, it wasn't sickly sweet at all. I'm going to have another little nibble now. A little nibble now. I'll hold the thing. It's a bit gelatinous, but not too...

It's very gelatinous, and the lumps of coconut are all very similar to the chunks of pineapple that you get in certain desserts and stuff. Almost exactly the same texture. It's got a fibrousness to the coconut chunks, doesn't it? It's nice. It's subtle, mangoey, but not too mangoey, Like sometimes it can go overboard with the strength of the flavour. It doesn't at all. And so you were saying, Paul, you were just surprised more that it wasn't disgusting

rather than actually loving it. That's true. I mean, I could eat that happily. That's not a problem. But I would make a meal of it and make it, you know, chip at it for a bit. Whereas you wolfed it down like a big, fat, ugly pig. I liked it. Oink, oink.

Oink, oink. Oink, oink. Okay. So you gave it a four. Solid four out of five for me. And I was more of the 3.2.75. 3.2.75. 3.2.75. Yeah.

Numbers. Numbers. Right, so, Paul, the other point I need to make is they do a lot of different flavours, and I will be getting some more of these in, because they do a multi-pack where they have a different flavour. This was a six-pack all mango, but I'll get a multi-pack. We'll have the lychee there. We'll have the strawberry there.

Oh, lovely. All right, and we'll have a little go on those, okay? Moving swiftly on. Moving swiftly on. Another thing that we got. Lovely little puddin'. So what was the next thing we got? Was the Boiber Wang Cornig.

Now, I've been looking forward to having this Boybe thing in my mouth for a little while. And I'm looking forward to retrying it again for the purposes of this re-record. There's a few. I mean, we had a look at the packaging and yeah, it looks like pop. They are basically a slightly puffed up corn nut. They're not as hard as a corn nut. They've had some, they're partway to being popped, like a popcorn, aren't they? They're not as hard as regular.

No. You know, sometimes you get it's really, really tough to eat. Yeah, that's right. They're not as hard and crunchy as a proper corn nut because they are different. They're slightly popped. This is hot garlic flavour. Very garlicky, aren't they? And the heat comes a

tiny bit later on afterwards it's not unpleasant it doesn't make it like eating one of those triple spicy noodle things no and i also said for some reason eating these gives me a slight sensation of eating uh pork scratchings there's a similarity to pork scratchings they're nice i think those are nice they'd be lovely with beer yep lovely with beer that and speaking of beer we also picked up a bottle of what do we rate those boy wangs

I'd say three and a half yeah totally agree I would give that boy wang a three and a half okay and then I'd jack it off oh fuck off come on mate

you can do better than that I could put my flaccid knob on your face no stop it you can do better than this material I'd just wave it in front of your face. Fishy air.

There's a slight fish if there's Go on. If there's a whiff of fish in the air, Leaky Ken's been in your room. He only comes out when the moon is full. Leaky Ken's wafting

his knob round you great worth it absolutely yeah we are this attracted us both didn't I didn't it Paul this bottle of

Lucky Buddha beer not so much the beer itself which is only 5% of alcohol 4% 4% which means it's probably watery piss

but it was very cheap as well the bottle is moulded to look like a laughing Buddha 4%, Volcahol. 4%, which means it's probably watery piss. But it was very cheap as well. The bottle is moulded to look like a laughing Buddha. Our favourite part of the whole thing. Brilliant. And you can see a photo of that on our website. A wobbsite. Yeah, it was on our wobbsite.

What else was I going to say? Yeah, we're going to taste it in another episode because you said you want to get it nice and cold. We should at least give them that because that is designed definitely to be chilled do you think that's like the chinese version of an ipa no it's lager you can tell from the green bottle let's see what it says see what it says what type of beer it is enlightened beer enlightened because the buddha is enlightened isn't it by look it's definitely not an ipa it's gonna be a watery lager, I'd say. Oh, so it's probably piss muck for wankers. Yeah, but if it's cold enough and you have a nice bowl of food with it,

it's probably, you know, like tableware. If you had some Boi Wang with your happy Buddha. I could eat Boi Wang up my happy Buddha all day long. Great. So we're going to test that in another episode. Finally today. The final thing that we decided to taste was this F&N cool ice cream soda. F&N seems to be

maybe the Chinese version of A&W? A&W who make the root beer and cream soda. No, I think they're a different company

but they're definitely trying to copy the kind of branding of A&W because I do know that A&W, people love A&W root beer over there.

Why do you think that is though? It's nice stuff, isn't it? I'm not a huge fan, but I would have thought cream soda wasn't in the kind of pop culture, you know,

what I mean. it's big over there. Is it a recent thing, the big? Maybe it is, I'm not sure, but all that happened is that in Britain,

root beer never really took hold in Britain, did it? No, root beer, sarsaparilla, none of that stuff. The closest we get

is ginger beer and maybe down the line of burdock yeah people don't like root beer in this country it's still big in the states huge in the states you can get like four or five brands in your local supermarket of root beer and you can't get any here unless you go to those expensive candy american stores you can get it but you can also get it for a decent price in Chinese grocers. Yeah. So we opened this and it had a very subtle, I thought, ice creamy flavour. It's definitely not just a cream soda.

We thought it might just be a cream soda clone, but it's not. I'm going to taste it again. Taste it again. To give you an honest and present opinion. Good, Paul. Good. And I must say I like it. Whereas I can find cream sodas really really too creamy and sweet that's subtle

yeah before that has some acidity added like they do with Coca-Cola to sort of cut through the sweetness doesn't it you're right it's got whatever Coca-Cola has to soften itself

yeah to soften the sickliness it's an acidic thing it's a tartness that they add I like it it's yeah it's a tartric acid or something that's a 4 out of 5 add. I like it. It's, yeah, it's a tartric acid or something. That's a four out of five for me. I'll go 3.2 because...

3.2.75? No, just 3.2 because I understand decimal places. And you don't. Okay, and so there you go. F&N. I would try their other products if I saw some. Yes, so you've had a lovely day. You spent...

It's been an eye-opening day. A lot of money was spent in that wing, Jim. I spent £30 on groceries, a lot of noodles. A lot of noodles, a lot of groceries, a lot of little surprises.

You've had a big day, haven't you? I've had a lovely big day out, Paul, and I'd just like to say thank you, thank you to our Patreon, patrons for making this possible, our trip to Brent Cross.

And if you like this, we might have gone a little trip to Brighton, mightn't we? We would like to do this again, but go to Brighton for a Jolly Boys day out and go on the pier, maybe go on a ride and go to the charity shops and go on the pier and get a stick of rock

and a Kiss Me Quick hat. Yeah, I could do some stuff. So, drugs. Maybe, so drugs maybe maybe maybe maybe yes now paul but the other thing to mention about the brighton episode we wanted to sort of try and play the price of shite and try and do some stuff but brent cross wasn't really right for it was it was too corporate it was just two big shops you know i'm glad I went and I'm glad I'm not. Yeah, whatever. But in Brighton

we'd be able to actually do our segments, our chunky little segments on the run. Our savoury, our savoury segments. Our savoury propositions

on the run. That's right. To some savoury proposition like this, boy, bewang. Anyway, there are going to be pictures about everything

we've been up to, the places we've been, the things we've seen on our website www.thecheapshow.co.uk we're also on twitter at thecheapshowpod

I'm at paulgannonshow Eli is E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D or Eli Snoid that's how it's spelt the way I said it first

thank you very much and where else can you go oh patreon.com forward slash cheapshow if you really have to give us a little bit of

something to keep this mad podcast going what else we have tumblr page we have a reddit page we have a facebook page and we are on instagram just look for cheap show you'll find us unless you find that band the band sorry that band although they did reach out on twitter say maybe we should do a crossover maybe we should fucking that's i could do that they'll hear that and go let's not do that they'll hear that and go let's not do that they'll hear it and go

he's like a genius of music let's get him singing the lead song I'm Leaky Ken like no fuck off oh come on Paul this is good

I'm Leaky Ken I come in your room at night Leaky Ken they could do this Leaky Ken Leaky Ken oh it's dry

it's dry down there don't worry about that It's just symbolic More than anything Putting my knob On your head While you sleep Leaky can

Thank you I'm done Right Well it's been a big day For Eli So let's put him to bed Come on Come on

Let's put you to bed Lie down I don't want to Have a lie down Look I've put your pillow I'm going Lie down There's a lovely pillow Lie down Eli Come on They've took you in Lie down. I don't want to. Have a lie down. Look, I've put your pillow. I'm going to get you to lie down. There's a lovely pillow.

Lie down, Eli. Come on. They've took you in. Lie down in your nest. I'm not lying down. This is my room. And I'm going to put your little blanket on you. Don't put the blanket on me.

And it's Betty Bo's time. Okay. Bye. Sweet dreams, baby boy. This is really weird. You're my hairy little angel cake. Oh, get off me. And I love you. You're my best friend.

And I want you to go to sleep. Because when you fall asleep, I will get out Sad Max. And put him in your mouth. And clean off your tooth wax. You've elevated this war. You fucking monster. You've elevated this mad... What's monster. You've elevated this mad, what's it called?

Sad Max. Sad Max. That's bullshit. Leaky Ken would never stoop so low. What if I was lying on the bed and you have to, you know,

bend your knees? It's purely teabagging and related activities with Leaky Ken. This has been a successful episode of Cheap Show. Thank you for joining us. I've been Paul Gannon.

And I'm Eli Silverman. And remember... Fucking stop. Stop the thing.