CheapShow - Ep 106: "Bet Your Spunk!"

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

Paul & Eli accidentally invent a new, terrible game show idea in episode 106. Hopefully, the rules are too awful to make it a recurring feature. Consider this another warning! Elsewhere in this edition of the world's most brilliant economy comedy podcast, the cheapshow boys learn about the Tooth Gremlin, delves into some Sex Shop flavoured "Tales from the Shop Floor" and try to telepathically communicate during a very special "Price of Shite". Hold on tight, this is an odd one... and Paul "may" be hung over. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos and the full live show on YouTube can be found at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Are you warmed up? I'm not warmed up. Come on, you're warmed up. Come on, you're warmed up. I'm not. You're warmed up. Paul. Come on.

You just sat there breathing for five minutes looking at your phone and I'm meant to be warmed up. I was looking for content for this show. I know. As we're lacking. We certainly are, God. No, we've got to do your intro. Let's do the intro. Do your job.

I've had a prawn sandwich, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. What does that mean? Sorry, that sounded funnier in my head. The story of Eli's life. No, I'll try again. Go on. Here we go.

I just had a prawn sandwich. Did you? If you know what I mean. I don't know about it. I don't know about it. Right, intro then. Fuck you here we go intro ladies and gentlemen looking forward to this take it away ha ha ha hello it's eli silverman here and you're listening again to cheap show it's amazing little podcast i call cheap show sometimes someone else helps me sometimes it's paul gannon it's always paul gannon

one time it's true i named no you didn't you have very little ultimately creative responsibility on this podcast oh i was just riffing man i've opened up a fucking seam yeah all right well go again go on then hello i'm eli silverman welcome to my entirely my podcast I'm Eli Silverman Welcome to my Entirely my podcast Which I came up with Years Years ago

I came up with it In a dream And I've written it On a You boring little turd On a piece You boring little turd I've written it

On a piece of paper Yeah And I've put it In a safe Yeah And it will prove Me to be The author

And sole Inheritor Of Cheap Show. Good. Is that your intro? No. Shall we try again? Do it.

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Warming up. Ah-ha-ha. Eli Silverman here. It's Cheap Show time again. Whoa.

And here's Paul Gannon. He's... Yeah, here he is. Yeah, welcome to Cheap Show. That'll have to fucking do. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show.

You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the site? This is for guaranteed. Hello. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Cheat Show. They're not going on nuzzle. It's another episode of the Economy Comedy Podcast you like to listen to. I've had a prawn sandwich. And if you know what I mean. See, I made it work then. You did. Yeah.

That was a cool response thing. Paul, I think you have to come clean. Yeah. Yeah. And admit that you are hungover. I'm hungover. And I'm not ill. You're not.

You're just like, oh, I can't deal with noodles. I can't. That hurts me, Paul. When you say things like that, yeah. Let me put it this way. It hurts me. I'd rather do noodles when I can be deal with noodles. I can't. That hurts me, Paul, when you say things like that, yeah? Let me put it this way. It hurts me. I'd rather do noodles when I can be fully engaged with it and give you 100%. 100% of your disdain.

Yeah, well, same difference. And famed disinterest. Same difference. Right. Same difference. Whatever. Same difference. Hello, welcome to the Cheap Show.

Do you want to say that again? No. Just say it fucking again. You're going to say it again anyway. Might as well get it out of the fucking way right now just say it again twice ladies and jelly spoons welcome to cheap show thank you and one more time just get it i'm done it now i'm bored of it i'm bored of you bored of this listen bored of it all spanked up the house of pickles and you know what it's not too bad in here today. What about the beef quotient? It's very

beefy. Is it really still beefy? You can't get the beef out, mate. Seriously. Glade plug in. Just plug it in your wall. I don't know what that could do to the delicate ecosystem in here. I hope it improves it. It'd be nice to walk into this room and not just walk into a massive wall of arse fog.

Oh, well. Combination of what goes in your guts and what comes out into this room and not just walk into a massive wall of arse fog oh well combination of what goes in your guts and what comes out your guts and that's what the smell of this room is and you know what it adds flavour

to this podcast it adds an ambience it adds fucking flavour it does it adds ambience there's flavour yeah here's the question

when we record at my place or other places is it cheap show if it's not at the house of pickles of course it is is it yeah but is it really cheap show if it's not when we're on a bus most of the time it's true we did a live show it's all cheap we bring the house of pickles with us there's a little house of pickles within us all we should do a house of pickles road show

where we go to towns up and down the UK and we do live songs and shows and we have guests and we do it on the beach. Are you suggesting this? Yeah, we do. Live shows and songs. Do you remember

the old Radio 1 road show? Vaguely. Where they used to go and every presenter at some point. Wasn't Noel on that? I don't know. I can't remember the details

of when the Radio 1 road show. Was he a swap shop? No, I don't know because here's what I'm saying. The Radio 1 Roadshow was very big in the 80s I remember going to see Steve Wright

on the beach at Southport and he did a show and that was good was it no I don't know I was young

and I got to see a celebrity off the radio were you actually excited to see yeah it used to be a big family day out someone impersonating

the guy out of Ghostbusters as the first black man you ever saw as well. Yeah, that's true. Fucking hell. How isolated were you out there? There just wasn't a lot of people of colour in my area growing up. It's just that was the 80s. That was it.

And it just happened to be that I saw my first person of colour when he was pretending to be Winston Zedmore in a Vauxhall Corsa with a fridge on the top. Oh, is it literally? Did they paint it? It was Ecto-1-like, that they got a long white car and then put a bunch of stuff they found in a shed on the roof and a siren, and it parked up outside.

I think it was Wimpy's that did the Ghostbusters 2 promotion, but at that time, Wimpy's were being bought out by Burger King, so it might also have been. But basically, you got a little Ghostbusters 2 promotion but at that time Wimpy's were being bought out by Burger King so it might also but basically you got a little Ghostbusters 2 happy meal and it had a little tin in and on the tin it said ghost inside

do not open but it wouldn't be a happy meal if it was from Wimpy's no I know but I'm saying it was some kind of toy box thing you got a sticker

and a certificate and what else and yeah a little tin that when you opened it up the ghost escaped but it left a spooky residue so it all blew up in the dark in the middle it was just spooky residue, so it all blew up in the dark in the middle. What do you mean?

It all blew up in the dark in the middle. It glowed up. It glowed up. It glue. It glue in the... What? It glue. It glue.

Yeah, but what glue? The joke was that the ghost was in the tin. But when you opened it... That's not a joke. It looked like one of these. That's messing with occult powers. Yeah. There's nothing to be smirked at

but it said do not open or you'll release the ghost was it a tin yeah like one of like a coke tin but a small one like a small one

and then you opened it and there's nothing inside did the smell come out no it just had phosphorus did it go shhh no it just went I was in a kebab shop the other day

no no no don't don't go on and they had an old wimpy sort of fixture, like a metal engraved sort of napkin dispenser sort of thing. Yeah.

Weird. Was this once a Wimpy? Maybe. This is the only surviving remnant of the Wimpy. This used to be my Wimpy. Did you ever have one of those egg burgers? No. Like sausage.

I don't remember ever going to a Wimpy's. It was all a sausage, a round sausage in segments, chunky segmented sausage with an egg on. They still do it apparently. They do.

It's quite famous. Yeah, but they're just sad franchised out nowhere land now. There's only a few, yeah, there's only like a couple left in the country. They're terrible.

They cost four times as much as McDonald's and it's like worse. You know why though? Because you got a tray and it was more like that kind of cafeteria. Back in the day, it was like a cafe. Yeah.

Have a cup of tea. You go in with your tray. Have some atrocious egg burger. Put a full English breakfast on your plate. Grumble, grumble. And you get a cup of tea in one of those big, thick, white ceramic mugs. Glug, glug, glug. Glug, glug.

And you sit down, and it's like a greasy spoon calf but with a branding. You've just gone totally, you know what, you're hung over so you've gone totally nostalgia. Just boring. It's boring, Paul. All of this stuff. I'm playing along just for the sake of... Oh, go on, do a character then. Do a witty character. I might do.

Go on, fucking do one. Go on, here's your chance. Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the show now, will we? Eli out his talent. Hello, hello. I'm Terrence Sessions. Terrence Sessions. Also known as.

Yeah. Is that his voice? If you're going to do Team Yeti, then yeah, that's the voice. Sorry, scrub that. Edit that, yeah. Oh, he's like that, isn't he? So a little bit like Team Yeti. then yeah that's the voice sorry scrub that edit that yeah ooh he's like that isn't he

so a little bit like T.J. yeah a bit like but he's a bit but he thinks he's a well spoken man

I know I'm Terrence Sessions yes I'm here now Grumpy Sessions no no Grumpy that's a good point yeah Grumpy Sessions that's my name that's what I'm telling you

but my real name so Terrence so Grumpy's like your stage good point. Yeah, Grumpy Sessions. That's my name. That's what I'm telling you. But my real name... So Grumpy's your stage name? Tell me this, Paul. Tell me this. Who would, in their right mind, call their child Grumpy? That's an actual first name. Well, when I think you were on the show last time...

It's an obvious nickname. I think when you were on the show last time, you literally explained that it was the name you were given at birth. Well... So that means you're a liar. I also have amnesia lying syndrome.

Oh this fucking character is shit. Oh my mother. This character is shit. My mother. She was very old. You've got ten

seconds to make this work. Ten seconds. No she said grumpy which I didn't call you. Five seconds. Right I'm going

okay. I just liked it. Bye grumpy sessions. Bye then. Awful. Awful. Awful. Right, I'm going. Okay. I just liked it. Bye, Grumpy Sessions. Bye, then. Awful. Awful. Awful.

Just awful. No content there. No gimmick. I'm trying. You asked me to do it. Yeah, but you could have gone back to your rostrum of characters. Grumpy Sessions is in the rostrum. You didn't even know. You don't even remember what Grumpy Sessions sounds like.

You're losing it, Eli. You're losing it. You're losing it. You don't even know... You don't even remember what Grumpy Session sounds like. You're losing it, Eli. You're losing it. You're losing it. Let's grumpy go, grumpy. Right, coming up on the show today, tells from the shop floor, Price of Shite.

And... Mysterious. This is the one that was going to be the country kitchen. It was going to be country noodles, but then Paul went Oh my poor belly Mate I can't stand in a kitchen and eat noodles With the guts I've got right now Right now I'm sitting on a turd

That I know Within me Is it doesn't have character It has a lot of attitude But not a lot of body It has no Internal fortitude It has a lot of attitude But not a lot of body It has no Internal fortitude No it has nothing

It has no strength It has no community to it It doesn't have will No It doesn't have a solidifying will No A unity It has no unity

No structural unity My guts Are in Anarchy mode It's arse piss Of the worst variety It's Punk music

It's gonna be Aggressive It's gonna be of the worst variety. It's punk music. It's going to be aggressive. It's going to be pukaino time. It's not going to be good. And I'm writing out these two recording sessions now on this crest. Have you ever had a Guinness and then done a black shit? No. I did one the other day.

Great. We'll end that segment there then. Really? On that lovely little bit of character. Chunky segment. I've just snipped off a chunky segment. Right.

Great. We're back in action. Oh, it's time for Tales from the Shop Floor. It's time for Tales from the Shop Floor. With me, your host,

Paul Gannon. And with me in this Tales from the Shop Floor segment is my favourite friend host, Paul Gannon. And with me in this Tales from the Shopfloor segment is my favourite friend in the whole wide world. Why, you know me, little Eli Silverman. Ladies and gentlemen, it's little Eli. Hi, great to be here. Yeah, great to see you too.

Why is... What? Are we doing that now? No. Like I'm guesting on your show? Yeah. Like Barshan's format? Yeah, great toarshan's format. Anyway.

Yeah, great to be here, yeah. Good. So, let's just dive into the letters. Okay. And we've got a lot of follow-up. I want to go, before we get any further, on the Derek story time. Well, it really was something.

Because, let me just read this to you. This is from a chap called, and he to you. This is from a chap called... And he's just... It's from a chap called Charlie. And he said the Derek story inspired him. It reminded him of this. I hope it doesn't inspire him to do certain specific things that went on in the story. No, I mean, I think it just...

I took four Viagra. I went to a zoo. I went to a fucking zoo. Oh, look at that. I'm going to have a heart attack. Trying to look at that panda's face when he saw my throbbing member. I'm not interested in pandas. Okay.

Yeah. I think this is all about you. Shall we get on to the story then? What was I saying? Panda pussy. You weren't into pandas. You're into more, I don't know. Pandas, they might let you fuck a panda. You like big cats. Paul. Is it the challenge? They might let you fuck a panda, mightn't into pandas. You're into more, I don't know. Pandas, they might let you fuck a panda.

You like big cats. Paul, they might let you fuck a panda, mightn't they? No, I don't think any zoo would let you fuck a panda. No matter how nicely you ask. They need them to give birth. With other pandas, yeah. They're not going to just go,

pandas aren't working out, we're going to send Eli in. Look, he's eager. It must have been, I feel like this is some kind of sketch comedy thing I've already seen. But has anyone done a thing where... Someone fucks a panda? Puts a panda suit on.

No, that's The Simpsons. Oh, yeah, of course. Simpsons did that. It's one of those episodes that everyone thought was awful when Homer Simpson gets fucked by a panda. I loved that one. It's imprinted on me, obviously. Obviously. Oh.

Oh. Here we go. Can you pass me... I picked uped on me, obviously. Obviously. Oh. Oh. So here we go. Can you pass me? I picked up something in a charity shop. Yeah. Pass me the Ultimate Cocktail Book. I'm passing the book. This is the Wordsworth Ultimate Cocktail Book.

Oh. But because it's like a proper dictionary, they're like a dictionary maker, aren't they? Yeah. So they really, it is literally every single drink. And they've got little bits, quotes and stuff. They talk into the fucking mic. It's been three fucking years. And every time I edit this fucking podcast,

I fiddle with your levels. Because you're away from the mic or you're too close. You're too far away when you're reading and looking elsewhere. And it takes me time. My weeks are soaked up editing this fucking show. And all I ask of you is to be here for them and speak into the fucking mic and it just fucking

can't do it Paul right Paul okay shall we turn it off make your point about your words worth ultimate cocktail book nice actually Paul yeah Shall we turn it off? Make your point about your Wordsworth Ultimate Cocktail Book.

I'm just being nice, actually, Paul, yeah? It's got every cocktail in. All right. That's not what I was saying. There's a specific thing that you'll be interested in. Okay. That's what I was getting to. All right, take the fag out of your mouth.

Captain Supreme Professional. Fucking hell. Where is it? God. Sorry. Oh. Oh, yeah. Do you remember is it? God. Sorry. Oh. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that drink?

No. That was invented by Bottom. The Esther Anson. Yes, it's in here. Pernod Uno Marmalade and Salt. Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Book market, preparation, organisation, organisation mic technique things Eli must work on in 2019 what did you say is this ok perno uno marmalade and salt

what did you say yeah perno yeah which perno and uso are basically the same thing yeah that's the joke pastis yeah

pastis pastis pastis where pastis to the left pastis. Pastis. Pastis. Where? Pastis to the left? Pastis to the right? Where do I pass that?

I think we should take this whole bit. Yeah. Pastis bite. Anyway. Go on. Esther Ranson, look, it's there. Pernod Ouzo, teaspoon marmalade, salt. Do you remember how it's served?

It says it there. Well, there's a bit where he goes, you can put a little bit of salt around the rim. That's it. It's there. It's got it in there. Look, read it out. Yeah, all right. Wet the rim of the cocktail glass and dip into salt to encrust.

Add the ingredients to glass. I think they used little cocktail glasses, little glasses. Yeah, little eyeballs, yeah. It's a device of Ade Edmondson and Rick Mel from the BBC TV called Comedy Bottom Bottom so named after the dentigenerous dentigenerous toothy

yeah eponymous television presenter because the drink pulls your gums back over your teeth. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't that nice though? That's one of the very best episodes of Bottom. That's from a look he's cheered up everybody. It's from an episode called Culture Culture

where they don't have a TV so they have to fix their day by doing other things so they do the crossword they do the

scene with the pin the tail on the donkey routine which is fucking great and then it leads to the chess game what would James Bond

do he'd sit around in a girdle and have loads of women around him it's like whatever it is it's that line

right and the Queen goes in every direction look I didn't mean to start you off on a bottom quote just so you know we're doing a

Rick Mayall charity event next year oh god yes and we're going to be performing well we need to pick some scenes and mash it together

and do a little playlet of bottom so I'm just saying, prep. We're doing that. Oh, bloody hell. That's not until next June, though. Oh. Anyway, what a great book.

I thought I'd buy it when I saw that. Yeah, it's good. And it actually has just a breakdown of any drink. Does it say anything about James Bond drink, Shake and Not Stir? What is it, martini on the box? It's a Vespa. Is that what it's called? No, it's a Vespa, yeah.

Let's have a look. Is it in there? Let's see if a Vespa's in there. Because they name it in the film, in the book, don't they? So I presume it would be in there then. It's just hard because it's all set out in terms of different boozes. Doesn't it have a... Just where would it go?

Because what a Vespa is, is... A drink. It's one part... It's one part drink, two parts drink. One part gin's one part drink two parts drink one part gin one part vodka glass vodka gin

it's vodka and gin and vermouth dry vermouth whereas a normal you get vodka martinis yeah and then you get gin mainly a gin

martinis just gin so would it be a gin isn't there just like a big list of everything at the back no there's no glossary or whatever

you want to call it no it's all done by drink. But I'll get it. I think I'll get it. Gin. Fuck it. Here we go, gin. Gin.

73. Right, well. I'm enjoying this. Yeah, it's all right. It's not what I was going to do in this segment, but I think this show has gone out the window, hasn't it?

You need a new segment, mate. I think we can all agree this episode's already gone out the window, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, because you are a cunt. Hold on tight. No, it's not more c out. Stop calling me that.

No more C word in this show. No more nastiness. No more evil. Come on, Paul. I want freedom. Sit down. Sit down. I want joy. We're looking at James Bond. I want joy in this show. We're talking about James Bond and Bottom, and you just had a little quote

of Bottom, didn't you? Which was boring for everyone. I want James Bond's bottom. Boomerang? What's it called? Vesper? Yes. I am the last dragon. Fucking shut up.

Junior! Where's my drink? This is my Sean Connery impression. It's quite good. No, it's not. I want a Vesper. Where's quite good. No, it's not. I want a Vespa. Where's V in the alphabet? At the end. Right near the end. V-W-X-Y-Z.

Vespa. Go here. I'm getting excited. Vespa. Yeah. Dry gin, four dashes of vodka. What's a dash? Just not much at all.

Just a dash. Do they have to splash it out with a special thing? Or is it like a kind of eye measurement? Yeah, that's not an exact measurement. Because the exact measurement has the actual measure, so that's one measure, I believe, of dry gin. Four dashes of vodka, two dashes of dry vermouth. Shake over ice

and strain into a cocktail glass. See, that's not what you do. No, because they say you're meant to stir it. You do with a Vespa, though. And then underneath it says invention of Ian Fleming in Casino Royal for James Bond. So he invented that drink

because that's the sort of thing because when he says martini shaken not stirred that's not how you'd ever ever serve an actual martini. So why does he say it? Is it because he's a...

Because it's his drink that he's invented. Oh. It's his own thing. It's his trademark drink. So basically it's like that scene from Alan Partridge where he's invented. Oh. It's his own thing. It's his trademark drink. So basically, it's like that scene from Alan Partridge where he invents ladyboys. Because he orders the lager and then the Bailey's chasers.

What do you call it? Loadyboy. That one. So basically, he went into a bar, Bond, once, and went, oh, I'll have martini, shake it, not stirred. And he went, sir sir we don't do that yeah we yeah you do

it's called a Vespa I'm James Bond you want me to punch you in the dick fucking do it make me a Vespa it's a real drink it's after a bird

I have a bird wasn't Ian Fleming like a proper alky I don't know I don't know I don't know too much about him other than the broad

basics and that he worked at the military. I think he was a proper albion. He was a spy. If you invent that drink, that's a drink for boozers. Like, professional boozers. Do you know what I mean?

Alcoholics. Yeah. It's lovely. Oh, drink be no. Anyway, back to the show. Right. So, we did the mess... You know, we mentioned the thing last time

about the... Yeah, I'm mentioned the thing last time about the... Yeah, I'm liking the way you're speaking. Ah, fuck off! We saw the thing on the... We had the Derek story time. The tiger of... Oh, the tiger! Yeah, yeah.

As soon as I think of that raptured tiger. I was listening to it back as well, and it's like, yeah, we did miss out at the very beginning where he mentioned that Jeff or Jed was his mate was a vet Ted was a vet right and the joke was is that he went

oh I only called Fred was a vet whatever the vet I only call him when my wife's ill the implication being his wife's a fucking animal

oh so that was the joke a little bit a little bit of over the heads for children my wife's a fucking dog and when she gets ill I get the fucking vetting and I basically actually you know what i'm barely disguising

my absolute hard-on for this dead tiger basically i should do the voice i should do the voice he's like oh god i hope everyone sees the little meaning the little subtext of me wanting to bone this the half-dead tiger in the street oh it, it's just, I don't get it still. It's like, he wants to fuck the tiger. I'm going to make a story about a little man who gets his cock out and kills a tiger with it. It has that texture of Dream

Yeah It has that texture of Mentally unhinged relative Who should not be allowed near kids His unconscious is sort of bubbling up Through his conscious mind How he sees the world Because I reckon it's based on his friends

Are there more That we can have Yeah Is it going ahead Is this project going ahead Because I quite like it It won't be an ongoing thing But maybe we'll do two Or three more And make a little semi-series out of it okay and uh again thank

you to tom for uh giving that to us thank you very much anyway charlie's letter i just listened to today's episode genuinely disturbing well done lads and it made me remember a story that my great grandmother told me when i was three or four that genuinely disturbed me and gave me nightmares until I was about 10. I don't know if you're going to play any more of the cassettes. We're going to try. But anyway, behold, the story of the Tooth Gremlin. I like it already. I'd recently lost my first baby tooth and was very excited to tell my great-grandmother about it when she came to visit. I told her, and she looked surprisingly cross. What? Read that again. Sorry, I was... Could you read it again? He was excited to tell his grandmother

about his baby tooth coming out, and when he told her she was cross... That his baby tooth had come out? Yeah. She said... Well, how old was he? Well, baby tooth, so... Six? I don't remember anything from then. I'm dubious. This is dubious already. Anyway. How much... Well, how has he got so much detail?

Why are you judging it? I judge. It's just maybe this one. I judge words, Paul. He. And you should judge yours before they come out of your mouth. You should fucking judge your attitude. How about that?

How about that? How about you fucking judge that little... I don't judge. I don't judge my attitude. Oh, you're fucking going to get a smack. Just read the story. Right across your stupid, dumb, fat fucking face. Can you just...

Look, can I read the story? I'm just trying to introduce an element of doubt that this is true. Yeah, but this is so shocking a story, it probably stuck into his mind because of it. How shocking? Well, let's find out. I want to see a tiger's vagina. So he told her, she was cross and said, haven't you heard of the tooth gremlin? And I shook my head.

She picked me up, sat me on her lap, and in prime storytelling position, she began. Every time children are naughty, they must be punished. If they aren't punished, God sends a letter to the Tooth Gremlin telling it what they have done. That night, the Tooth Gremlin will visit the child while they sleep and immobilize them by giving them a nightmare. Okay. Right? Classic. Then it will begin to loosen their teeth by pushing its long,

hairy fingers into their mouths and wiggling all the teeth around. Don't like that. Every naughty thing that goes unpunished leads to another nightmare visit from the Tooth Gremlin, and eventually your teeth start to fall out. Okay. So he comes over, gives you a a nightmare and wiggles your teeth yeah the tooth gremlin was six foot tall dark green similar in size and shape to a human but covered in hair and with fingers as long as a ruler it lives in the sewers and eats sewage in my childhood mind i saw the grinch but darker green with horrific teeth like needles. Every time I had a nightmare, I'd wake up hysterical because I knew that the Tooth Gremlin had visited me and wiggled my teeth in the night. I never told anyone why I got so upset because I didn't want to get into trouble for telling on the Tooth Gremlin.

I assumed that if I criticised him, he would visit me once more. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that story, whether it is any use or not. Well, it's not true. It is true! Why is it not true? How old, right? Baby teeth. And then what? He remembers all this lore. This lore about this goblin.

It's a weird mixture, that, of, like, cryptozoology and, like, uh... You know? What's your fucking problem? I pass on the tooth gremlin. You know what? Tonight, the tooth gremlin's going to come and get you.

What noise does he make? Right, here we go. Here we go. See, I need some fucking flesh out the tooth gremlin. So, you've been a naughty boy, Eli. And tonight, the tooth gremlin's coming to get you. Who are you? Are you my dad or something? No hang on a little bit character no this is no come on the narrator who's the other character this is just the narrator of this moment coming in and telling me this is the narrator of this moment that sounds like a lyric from a genesis album

see what this is that's your fist and see what it's gonna do what gonna box your what this is? The actual fist. Do you see what it's going to do? What? It's going to box your face. This is the narrator of this moment. This is the narrator of this moment. I've got a large bunch of... Right, anyway. Tonight. Tonight you're sleeping. Oh, Dad.

And you've been a bad boy. Dad, why have I been a bad boy? You fall asleep. And then the window opens. Tick-a-tack, tick-a-tack. Tick-a-tack, tick-a-tack. Ah, a sleeping boy. Go to sleep, little guy.

Go back to sleep, then. I'm going to give you a nightmare. Ah, the little child is asleep. So now I must push my fingers into his mouth. I'm going to get Keith out. I'm getting Keith out. I'm going to push his fingers into his mouth

and I'm going to give him a wiggle. Don't. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Honestly. Sit down. Right, sorry about that, everybody. And that's what happens when the tooth gremlin comes. That's what happens when Paul loses his fucking shit

because he had to drink. Anyway, on to the next is from the shop floor story. And it's a sex shop one. Hooray! This one comes from Simon. Hello, Paul and Eli. My parents have run a small sex shop in London since the 1970s. They got together when they were 18, married at 20,

and started their shop together at 22. That's nice, isn't it? It's love. It's an industry, getting in on the ground floor. Back then They mostly sold Porn magazines Dildos

And fetish items I started working for them When I was 18 In the family business Hey son Where's the shop located It says it's in London So I'd imagine

It might be near Soho As a presumptuous guess There used to be A lot of that stuff around there Now little That little Simon Are you going to Follow your daddy

Into the business of selling proper muck to grumpy men? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want to learn the ropes, son? Yeah, show me porn. Here's a fucking bunch of tits and cunts.

How is he northern if he's from London? I don't have many voices. I know. You've said it. Yeah. But at least the ones I do are full of conviction mate

Grumpy Sessions is sat out there yeah don't you know he's waiting I hate this he might come back anyway

here we go you start working for them when I was 18 in 2010 I have one of those stories and one of my dad's stories for you I've put headings on them so you can distinguish

between them and tell them together or separately or not at all whatever pleases you. What do you want to do? One? Save one for the next episode?

Do you want to do both now? Do you want to do it, Eli? It's up to you. Can I read one? Let's do that. So, do you want to read the dad's story first and I'll then read Simon's story? Okay.

This is dad's story? Yeah. No, that says my story. No. Isn't Simon? No, read that one where it says dad's story. And read it into the fucking mic. My dad's story.

In the early 1980s, fetish items were getting more and more popular. He started stocking handcuffs, chains, body restraints, candles that melt at body-safe temperatures. I always wondered about that. Yeah, because in that film, Body of Evidence, when he drips the candle over a belly and tits, is that Madonna in that film, Body of Evidence, when he drips the candle over her belly and tits, is that Madonna in that one? Body of Evidence?

Yes. Anyway, Paul just gave me a look like, I remember wanking to that, basically. There could be no other thing. Just a little glaze, a little mini glaze. Yeah, a little peek into Dirty Little Paul. Was that that one with Madonna? Yeah.

A lot of BDSM. Beat. Yeah. Yes. Right. All right. BDSM stands for Beating Dicks

So Madonna. Are you okay? Yeah. You're okay. Good. Let's just get on with this. You really are not okay today. Spunk Madonna.

You're not okay. BDSM. Big Dick Spunk on Madonna. Right. I made it work. Yes, you did. Candles that melt at body temperature. Great start reading.

All that sort of stuff. I didn't know that stuff existed. That's why I stopped there. He also sold a selection of canes for those that way inclined. Naughty boy. Spanky. Yeah. One day, a very professional looking gentleman

aged around 50 came into the shop looking extremely uncomfortable and awkward. Oh. What do we think now? He had something up his arse. I think he got something up his arse. I wonder if it's like something he's bought

that he lodged up there and now can't get purchase on. Well, anyway, he came into the shop looking extremely uncomfortable and awkward and inquired about the canes. Oh, dear. My dad showed him the canes available and the man purchased six. Very unusual. It's a lot. My dad didn't think much of it until years and years later when he was reading the Tory graph and found this article. Apparently, it was well documented that teachers were buying canes from sex shops.

My dad now reckons he sold canes to the teacher, which is a bit noncy from a modern perspective. So what? That's not just a bit noncy. That is grim. So what? He was buying canes to smack small boys with. Yeah. But this is 2010s.

When did the story happen? 80s. Oh, okay. Oh, it was the precursor to U-Tree. It might have been going on. Oh, he might have been into naughty nurse parties. You know, women in their 40s dressing up as schoolgirls. Yes.

And going, I've been a bad girl. And he goes, yes, Margaret, you've been a very bad girl. You didn't send your essay in. Why don't you smack my arse? Why is she smoking a fag? Because she's a rough old bird. Margaret, I insist you put it out if you're pretending to be a schoolgirl who I spank up. I'll put a pretty voice on for you.

Put a fucking pretty voice on. Stop smoking. You have a bit of naughty on. Stop smoking! Have a bit of naughty girl! Naughty girl! Oh, Paul. Right, anyway, here's Simon's story. Working in a sex shop, it's pretty common for teenagers to come in and have a look at all the vibrators and dildos for a giggle. Look at that, it looks like a job. Look that looks like a look sticky up a fanny right we have to id young yeah you have to id young looking people making purchases so that no one under 18 gets any

products but if they're just looking and having a laugh we don't check and we let them leave one day a couple of girls who were clearly under 18, maybe 16 or so, came in and started looking at the vibrators, laughing and whispering on the bare breath. No, I don't think you should go there. Sorry. Actually. Oh!

Get her to play everyone. It's a fucking dildo. It's a fairy hammer. Here we go. Right. Is that a brand or something? Some products have an example out of box and on display so that customers can examine them more closely, including certain vibrators. Some customers like to touch them with their nose to see how intense they are.

Fair enough. You put them on the tip of your nose and you go. I've heard about that. Yeah. The nose is like the fanny of the face. Okay, well, you know nothing about noses or fannies. Oh, oh, oh. Anyway.

I was going to say, yes, all that spanky stuff was really bad. Yeah. Because generations of kids got brought up and beaten in school. Yeah, all right. Well, let's carry on talking about dark stuff that we have no real... We can't do it justice in terms of content or even a satirical bent on it. Oh, right. Fucking hell.

So I'm just going to move on. In podcast editing... Excuse me. This is the worst one we've ever done. Excuse me. We always say that. Just fucking stop it. There's no point.

There's no point anymore. Don't worry about it. Right. Sorry I interrupted you in the story. we've ever done. Excuse me. We always say that. Just fucking stop it. There's no point. There's no point anymore. Don't worry about it. Right, sorry. I interrupted you in the story. It was quite interesting. Anyway, let me just say, on record, Cheap Show will very rarely do material, let alone good material, on child abuse. Yeah.

Anyway, I heard the familiar buzz of a single button vibrating love egg and didn't think much of it. The buzzing continued and the giggling stopped. I didn't think much of it because I was serving other customers and didn't bother to check on the girls. They left after about 10 minutes and I continued serving customers. Where do you think this is going? Well, the love egg is going up one of those girls' chuffs. Yeah.

I mean, we were totally wrong about that guy having something up his arse by the way weren't we he just said that to be a

nonce we swept that under the carpet yeah well you know sometimes subversion is

good and that kind of subversion is good well what do you think I think the

glove egg has gone up the chuff I don't know chuff me oh anyway let's just have a look

no anyway later on however a customer called me over to report that one of I don't know. Chuffney. Oh, anyway, let's just have a look. No. Anyway, later on, however, a customer called me over to report that one of the out-of-box vibrators seemed to be wet. It had white liquid on it, and I assumed it was a silk lube we sold and reassured the customer that I'd get it cleaned. We've now had it all pulled. Shuffling it in my pocket. Something in my head told me to check the security footage though. We have a camera pointed at that area in front of where the vibrators are kept

because theft is quite common. And also. So the footage clearly showed the two girls walking in giggling and me ignoring them. And both of them looking around furtively and taking it in turns to put the out of box vibrator down their pants. The vibrator in my pocket was covered in discharge.

I told my mum... Mate, we've reached the bottom of the list. I told my mum... And we've ticked the box. That's it. It's Cheap Show Fanny Batter. I told my mum, hoping for sympathy, and instead got a massive telling-off for not keeping a close eye on the girls.

Fair enough. Fair enough. I have more stories from the sex shop, including jizz, shit, piss and vomit. So let me know if you want more. Well, I wouldn't mind some more. What do you want? I'll have one shit, two pisses, some vomit. I think he kept it quiet. I think he

came in on a reasonably low bar there in case he had other stories. Because, you know, you work in a sex shop and, you know, you can't work in a sex shop without breaking some love eggs. You know, you just can't. That was quite good.

By today's standards, that was quite good. I'm getting out of this podcast quick. Bye! Say hello to Grumpy Sessions. Grumpy! How are you? Come here, love. Who's this?

Come here, love. How are you doing? I'm Terrence Sessions. No one... And I'm a little schoolgirl. Oh, my mother used to say, why don't you like the girls? And I'd say, mum, wrap me in your lavender dress.

How much are you going to pay me for me to gum up your ball bag? It was very faint, the dress. Very faint lavender colour. Now, you know what? I was waiting to probably stop this a few minutes ago. All right, well, go then. Oh, come on Eli Give me that price of shite jingle

Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite It's right it's right I need to do the right

It's the fucking price of shite Just do it. Do it properly and I can come in. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And I'm right.

Right. It's time for the price of shite. And we're going to do something a little bit different this time. This is going to be good. Hold on there, Paul. Yes. Let me just get it out from under the eaves of the bed in the House of Pickles. Yes. He's going to fish under the bed because when we did our live show,

we donated quite a few wonderful and interesting items. Yeah. Deal with it bag. I fucking love that bag. Deal with it. It's got a pickle wearing shades on. So, we were given all kinds of lovely items. I don't know what this is, Paul. What is it. It's got a pickle wearing shades on. So, we were given all kinds of lovely items. I don't know if this is it, Paul.

What is it? What's that? Is that it? Tell me, Quiz. That's good, isn't it? Oh, mate. It's not the price of shite. Oh, look, it's a monkey from the show. No, it's the little monkey. It's like we've gone down memory lane.

Yay. No, this isn't it. What's that, then? That's just some beer someone gave us. Oh, it's the little monkey. It's like we've gone down memory lane. Yay. No, this isn't it. What's that then? That's just some beer someone gave me. Oh, this is for me. This is that bag for me with the wild bee ghost sapper. And the steak puff marshmallow.

I've had this. You know what? I've just realised in the future we're going to do a Ghostbusters special cheap show where I can get my board games out

and talk about my toys and I can drink this and drink that and talk about the stuff. by this development drink this and drink that. No one's surprised by this development. No one. And then you can do a noodle one. What do you mean? Alright. Yeah? Yeah. I do a Paul Gannon special

where I talk about all the things I like, and then we'll do an Elo special where we talk about all the things you like. Alright? Yeah, but you only like Ghostbusters. And you only like fucking noodles and wanking into tin foil. As we discussed before. Tins. What? Tins? like fucking noodles and wanking into tin foil. Tins. What? Tins?

Yeah, you're like wanking into the curry takeaway trays. I do not do that. You do. You put it across the room. All joking aside.

You put it across the room and you sit at the edge of your bed. I don't do that. And you rub it until you can spit out a little bit

of fucking dick splat into a tray. When you get it in you go, hooray for me. Then you go to bed. Dick splat. Into a tray. When you get it in, you go, hooray for me. Then you go to bed. That's how you end your night.

Is that how I do it? Yeah. All right, good. Well, I'm glad you're monitoring all of this. Tiny Rebel Stay Puff, that is. Yeah.

I've tasted that, Paul. Good. Utter puke. Great. And I love their other one, the tropical one. I really love that. But that is fucking shitty.

All right, well then, that's a bag for me. That's just a little foreshadowing. Yeah, put that one in there. Go Zapper. Put that in there too. That is the wrong bag. I'm going to keep this out for a bit,

because I think we'll use this in the next recording. That's worked out nicely. Look at this. Our fans are a font of content. Yeah, a font of content. I like that. Is this it?

Yeah. I don't think so. This is... Oh, here it is. Because, a font of content. I like that. Is this it? Yeah. I don't think so. This is... Oh, here it is. This is a single... Yes, here it is. I found it. Oh, God.

We've got our treasure trove of stuff, ladies and gentlemen. There's so much food under my bed, man. Yeah, but we've got to save it for the appropriate episodes. Still got to taste that Colet beer. Yeah, I know. We'll have it all together. Look at this. Come on, get that little bag out. It beer. Yeah, I know. We'll have it all together. Look at this. Come on, get that little bag out.

It's this one. I know. It's a POS bag. And it's been given to us. It's a lovely little bag with a chaff and chan. Yeah, for Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince with... Mike Tyson. I think I can beat Mike Tyson.

I don't remember that. I don't remember us getting that. Thank you. Well, that's a platter on the way, isn't it? Maybe we'll do it in the next episode. We do the platters. Yeah, let's do that in the next episode. Yay!

We're making a podcast as we go. Oh. Da, da, da, da. Da, da, da. Da, da, da. Ba, bom, ba, bom. Da, da, da, da. I make a podcast as I go.

Ba, bom, ba, bom. All the little cheap shapes know that I have a podcast. I make it up as I go. As long as I say cunt and I want to fuck a duck. He was fuck a tiger. He was almost working

then. Fuck a tiger. The cheap shakes. Why do I keep saying cheap shakes? Why do you keep saying fuck a tiger? Yeah. Come on Paul. Look at this very nice bag.'s got the bird has he got the prices don't fuck this up that's the answer it's sealed this is cool it's a bespoke price of shite game there's a few things in this bag so basically this was given to us and again i've forgotten

the names and maybe hopefully they've written it his His name's Al Purchase. No, no. All Purchased in Kent. I'm Al Purchase. Oh, stupid of me. So, okay. So, he's got three items. And here are the answers in here. And look, he's put a little wax. We both, we get to both. He put a little wax thing on it.

It's a lovely wax seal with a stamp. Yeah. That's what I mean. It's very bespoke, isn't it? It's nice. You've got the birdies on the very nice sort of paper bag. I'm just going to have a quick look. yeah that's what I mean it's very bespoke isn't it you've got the birdies on the very nice sort of paper bag with a ribbon handle

and some birdies on it no I'm sorry if whoever gave this to us but get in touch on Twitter at thecheapshowpod and we'll give you

a retweet and add you to the credits for this episode imagine they were actually called owl purchase well that would be great wouldn't it

anyway it's a little bag it's got birds on the front. I just said that. What are the kind of birds? You were scrummaging around. What birds? Robins, I'd say. But they're blue.

Not all robins. Hashtag not all robins. They're like a tit or something, aren't they? Paul's just undoing some tape at the top here. And we're in. Okay, so I have the three items. Now, we both know what the prices are because, as we've said, there's a little letter in here. We don't both know what the top here. And we're in. Okay. So, I have the three items. Now, we both know what the prices are

because as we've said, there's a little letter in here. We don't both know what the prices are. Don't say that. We both don't know what the prices are though. Yeah, but you said

we both know what the prices are. Did I say that? Yes, you did. We both don't know what the prices are. Yes. And the answers are contained

in this envelope. You could just say we don't know. If you say we, the word both kind of is implied there. Eli and I both don't know what is in this letter, which has the answers on.

Yes. Get off. Farset me. Stay in here on the pen. Okay, so you're the bag man, yeah? Yeah. You've got the bag out. Right. What have we got? Right, we'll go with this one first. I'll make a note of our answers. Eli, this is the first item. Now, this is a key ring.

It's a key ring. It's a little key ring. And what is it of, Eli? The fob is a dental plate. Bottom teeth, is it? Bottom teeth set. Yeah. That is... Queer.

Truly queer. Truly queer. Truly odd. Icky. It's interesting. It'd be very icky for someone who didn't like teeth. You know, some people

are weird about teeth. Oh, he purchased them all in Cairns, and these teeth came from the RSPCA charity shop. That's what it says on the front. It looks like a new item, because it's still got the bar-coded sort of tag. Yeah, but it might be a job lot of tat. It was purchased in Giftworks.

Originally. Whatever that is. Yeah, it's just one of those tat shops. Oh, what's the quality like? I have to say I do like it. Teeth. Paul has put it in his mouth. Yeah. I'm going to take do like it. Teeth. Paul has put it in his mouth. Yeah.

I'm going to take a photo of that. Yeah. All right. Do it again. Quick, hurry up and take a picture. You can have the embarrassing photo this week. Yay. I never get the embarrassing photographs.

Come on, love. Turn your camera on. I'm turning it on. It's a way for it to go on. You fucking useless bag of shit. Seriously. Whoa. Useless. Unreliable half-wit. love turn your camera on I'm turning it on why are you a fucking useless bag of shit seriously whoa useless unreliable

half wit you deeply smelly deeply smelly deeply smelly troubling deeply smelly about your head

deeply smelly smelly like a tramps welly right good so now we have to wait for your phone to come on do we android is starting yeah good so I just have to deeply smelly, smelly like a tramp's welly. Right. Good. So now we have to wait for your phones to come on, do we?

Android is starting. Yeah, good. Cogs. So I just have to awkward the oldest then for Cogs. Watch the Cogs. Watch the Cogs.

Oh, here it, come on, it's on. You should get a new phone. I say I should. You should get a new phone. Trade that in, get a bit of money back maybe. You might get a bit.

They give it to kids in poor countries to use, don't they? But I want to save it. All right. So you can watch porn in bed without putting your laptop on. Do people do that? They're getting all your sticky DNA all over your laptop.

People just have a porn phone, do you think? I don't know. It's a nice idea. Is it? Having a porn phone. Yeah. Did I ever tell you that story? We went for that drink after work one time.

Go on. There was this guy who was sitting there. He obviously had a few like in a suit and he he was like yeah I've been testing this phone all day

like you know he works yeah he's sort of showing off and he kind of handed the phone to us just porn porn

porn all over the place all over it wow he was not even aware like it was his phone yeah and it was jam packed he said he'd been testing it.

Yeah, I bet he has. Yeah, it's like... What's his job? Sperm donor. Yeah. Phone tester is weird. Right, go on. Get the camera out

so we can do this picture now. I've already lost interest in... I had the moment already. Yeah. I was being silly and put them in my mouth. You don't... You're the model.

It doesn't matter. Your level of interest is irrelevant in this situation. Because you're gorgeous. I'll do anything for you. You're fucking... Oh, don't. I hated that song so much.

You pulled your breasts apart and sat on my car. I took a couple of... What's he called? Big Bird. Baby Bird. Yeah, God. That's been forgotten. Right.

Oh, God god the gag The gag started It went down my It didn't go down your throat The dangly bit did No it didn't The dangly bit went down my throat Oh god Paul

Paul It fell down my throat and it got dangly Fucking hell. Right, how much for that? Oh, God. I also don't know where that's been. It's been in Kent. Paul, Paul, calm down.

Do you want a glass of water? No, I've got a cough. Coffee. Everything I did, I just regret. Is that just in general? In general. That is a very general statement. Everything I did, I regret. Is that just in general? In general? That is a very general statement. Everything I did, I regret.

Everything that brought me to this moment in time was a mistake. You should release a blues comeback album. I'm going to do it. I've got regrets. No, maybe you shouldn't, actually. Don't do that. I think that was one pound. One pound.

One pound. What do you think? Paul says one pound. What do you think? Eli1. £1. Paul says £1. Eli says... We should alternate the getting as well. It gives us a slight advantage to go second. I agree. Kent. It's outside London. I'm going to put the weighting on. You know?

Because I always overestimate things. Because that would definitely be pound. In the charity shop around the corner from here. Yeah. I'll split the difference. I'll go 75p for that. 75p is a brave choice. And the same classic rules apply this week, do they?

I believe so, yeah. 25p either way out gets you a point. Being spot on gets you two points. Yeah. And there was none of this limit. No. Well, there's been very several versions of the game. We like to play with the format, don't we?

So let's go on. That was item number one. The comedy teeth fob. This is in here, but I don't think it's meant to be in the thing. I think it fell in. So we're just going to pass comment on the Domino's chili hot sauce little thing. I don't think that's meant to be in the bag. I think that fell in. I bought one of these

at one of the early car boot sale. Do you remember? It's not that one, though, I don't think that's meant to be in the bag. I think that fell in. I bought one of these at one of the early car boot sale. Do you remember? It's not that one though I don't think. I just think it's another one. I bought one of these. No you did.

These came free with Domino's. Yeah when we did the first car boot sale. I bought one didn't I? Yeah because you are fucking mental and you shouldn't

have. Yeah I was mental. But I think that just fell in from another bag. I like that though. You can add that chilli to your little

That goes look look over yonder at the hall of sauces. So I add it to the hall of sauce yes slot it in there in the hall of sauces it's joined it's joined them right here's the next one jibbly job okay what is this this is a wrapped item so i'm gonna unwrap it it's exciting wrapped in paper towel I'm going to unwrap it. Ah, it's exciting. Wrapped in paper towel. Good.

Keep it safe. It's probably ceramic. Yeah. It is. It's a little ceramic thing. Is it a teacup? It's very well wrapped, I'll say that. Well, good, because, you know, it was travelling.

In an almost fucking deeply physically frustrating way. Yeah. Yeah. It's an egg cup. It's an egg cup, ladies and gentlemen. It's quite a classically designed egg cup. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, what a sonnet.

I like it. What kind of egg cup? I don't know why. It's just nice colours. It's a Thomas the Tank Engine one. Oh. And it says, good morning. Talking to the mic.

It says, good morning. I don't know how many fucking times I need to say this. It says, good morning. It's a podcast that's built around the medium of recording. Well, perhaps you should get a mic with a wider remit. Maybe get a co-host with a fucking brain. Ooh.

He call me stupid. Right. It's nice. It's not, what is it, octagonal? Kind of circly shape. 1, 2, 3, 4, 8. Octagonal. Let's count the sides of this eggplant. It's 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, yes. 8,al. Let's count the sides of this eggplant. It's 8. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Yes. 8. So it's octagonal. Eggcup. Yes. Well done. Thank you. And with it's got... And Paul, if it had 5...

Hexagonal. No. No. If it had 5... Des... Pentagonal. Pentangle. Yes.

All right. There's that. 12. 12 quid? 12... No. 12. All right. There's that. 12. 12 quid? No, 12. Fucking hell. 12 sides. What's the Fat Controller doing?

I want to look at the cup. I don't know what 12 sides is called. Good morning. Britt Oldcroft Thomas Limited. Oh. And there's Thomas. He's looking cheeky. He's just coming out of the tunnel, isn't he?

No, he's just on a... Isn't he coming out of the tunnel? Get off! Show it to me! And also pass me the egg yolk! There we go! God. No, the Fat Controller's offering Thomas a cup of tea from his...

A cup of tea? Yeah. I didn't see any of this. But he's not in a tunnel. Oh, yeah, he's got a cup of tea for him, doesn't he? He's on the platform. I like to imagine there's a tunnel behind him. Maybe he has just come out of a tunnel. Oh yeah, he's got a cup of tea for him. He's on the platform. I like to imagine there's a tunnel behind him. Maybe he has just come out of a tunnel. He could have.

He's woken up from his sleepy time tunnel. You know what I mean? He'd be sleeping in his tunnel, wouldn't he? Or a shed. He comes out. He's just come out of a shed. Hello, said the Fat Controller. We need me to come up with a price for this. You. Hello, Thomas. Thomas the Tank Engine

came in and said, Hello, Fat hello Thomas. Thomas the Tank Engine came in and said hello Fat Controller and Thomas the Tank Engine said I'm Ringo Starr and I'm doing a I'm a fucking helicopter. My name's Mandy. I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden. No, but look at

me. I'm a Mandy. I'm a helicopter. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. The Fat Controller. Now you've seen every episode of Thomas the Tank Engine. Is there a helicopter quick quick quick quick quick quick quick quick the VAT controller right now you've seen every episode of Thomas the Tank Engine is there a helicopter in it yeah

there is they're called Mandy I don't think it's called Mandy I'm being all clairvoyant because I think you're thinking of the song Mandy come fly with me

by 10cc it's not called that something like that I'm Mandy I'm Mandy fly me fly me yeah

that's totally different you mangle it so you got close enough you said I'm Mandy. Fly me. Fly me. Yeah. I thought I was thinking of... No, that's totally different. You mangle it. So you got close enough. You said, I'm Mandy, come fly with me. That is totally different, my friend. Don't threaten me. We need to be, at least when we get something right, get it right, actually right.

Here's a joke, Eli. Here's a little joke. I'm looking at a joke. What do you call... I'm looking at one. What do you call i'm looking at one what do you say to eat what what do you what do you say to eli after what when you when you've when he's when what do you say to eli with two black eyes nothing you've told him twice do you want my price for this cup quid quid yeah no i mean the thing is i would say about that but because i already said it yeah i know i'd need to go higher or lower don't i so to get those points put the points in the bin i'm gonna wrap up your point i'm gonna say 75p then we are playing this like grizzled old pensioners anyway you've lost your pen. I've lost my pen.

Stop banging it on the recording table. I will. Just write it down. Right. So I said one. And I said. Nope. Yeah.

No, I can't see it being all that much expensive. You're going to go lower. No, I'll stay with 75p. Sure? Yeah. It's fine. All right. Okay.

We've gone for symmetrical prices for the first two items, Paul. And now for the final two items Paul and now for the final item on this bespoke price of shite kit oh by the way

he bought I don't know if you want to rethink it but basically he said he bought the egg cup from sense what's sense

it's a charity shop here is the last one Eli say what you see this is a little game it looks like

and it's called... I'm talking to the fucking mic! It's a game... I'm trying to. I can't see it. It's too dark in here. Yeah. It's a board game called Telepathy.

Telepathy! Who buy? What company makes it? Games and Giggles. With a clown. It's got a clown. Look, the clown's giggling. Games and Giggles.

Telepathy. It's a race against time to pick the clown's giggling. Games and giggles. Telepathy. It's a race against time to pick up your partner's vibes by staring into their eyes. What? What? What? What?

Staring. For fun. For laughter. For parties. For giggles. Open it up. My hand. It's all there.

It's all there. Baby, when I hold your hand we'll be dancing. All the cards. There's green cards with telepathy on them. When's all there. Baby, when I hold your hand, we'll be dancing. All the cards. There's green cards with telepathy on them. When we're dancing, baby, when the stars come out. Can you stop singing? We'll be dancing, baby. Please stop. When the sky falls down, we'll be

dancing. I've been listening to a lot of Take That recently. It's good. Oh, God. I was hoping we wouldn't. Everything changed to be you. Which I appreciate is a Barry Manilow song. I actually preferred,

you know that band Aqua who did Barbie Girl? Yeah. I prefer them. I think they are a better group than Take That. Okay? That's how much.

I've got nothing against Aqua, but you're wrong. I'm not wrong. You are. I'm right. You're not. Your personal opinions. All right, Party Girl

eclipses all of Take That's career. Barbie Girl, sorry. Rules. Test your powers of communication and mind reading ability in a race to discover your partner's secret list of words. What's in the box? One score pad and 128 telepathy cards. Telepathy cards.

And what's not? You'll each need a pen and some paper. Well, whatever. Whatever. Get ready. If you're an even number of people playing blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, choose who will play the transmitter and who will be the mind reader. Mate, they've got a score pad. Shuffle the telepathy cards and place them in the centre.

Okay, whatever. All right, and then whatever. What do you do? How to win. The first pair who can transmit or mind read six words correctly are officially telepathic and score winning points. Is this real? No, hang on.

Let me just get through the rules. It's not really about telepathy. Otherwise, this box is magic and we've solved all ESP quandaries forever. Anyway. What's the game? Where's the game element? Here we go. Choose one mind reader out of everyone to pick the top card from the pile.

As each of the six words on the card are slowly read out by the mind reader, each transmitter is allowed to approximately 10 seconds to secretly write down the first word that comes into their head, which is associated with the words read out. Once the six words have been read out, each transmitter should have

a secret list of six new words. So if you said one of the words was apple, I'd be like, Adam. Because Adam, apple, the Garden of Eden, that's where my brain would adam because adam apple the garden of eden that's where my brain would associate the word apple with yeah right that's what it's asking you to do word associate so yeah six words based on the six words that you read out okay remember the more obvious associate your words the easier it should be read for the mind reader to guess the mind reader then places the card face up on the table so everyone can refer to it once everyone is ready

the rate is on for the transmitters to send each of their six words to the mind reader but remember no verbal communication is allowed from transmitters what does that mean they have to do telepathy mate they have to use telepathy each mind reader says the first word on the card and then gazes into the transmitter's eyes and gets ready to pick up the vibes the mind reader is then makes as many verbal guesses he likes in quick succession at what the transmitter's word might be so again if you if i the word was apple you'd say oh pie and i'd be like with my eyes you know like that so that's right that transmitters may only shake or nod their heads to indicate hot or cold hands and arms may also be used but speaking is out unless it's a yes for the right answer so no words each time a word is

transmitted successfully the transmitter takes off the list and the mind reader immediately goes on to second guess the word on the list and so on and so forth right that's why it says try and make it easy otherwise you'll be here all fucking day because the word's apple and i'm thinking of that artist who did that fucking painting of the businessman. Magritte. Yeah, but it's like... How would you get Magritte from me just going... I wouldn't get Magritte from Apple.

If the vibes are too weak, you can say pass and come back. Once you've stopped reading, once you've done all the six words, someone shouts stop. Then you change partners. At the end of each round, every correct guess, the mind reader and transmitter each scores one point plus two bonus points for winning the round.

So it's just a point if you get it, really. I don't understand any of that. Here we go. Give me a stack of cards. You've got a stack of cards. You've got a pen. Yeah.

Let's do a quick one of this. Do you want to transmit or do you want to be the mind reader first? I'll be the mind reader first alright so you read out your list of six words and I'll write from one of these cards

yeah so give me the pad just give me the whole fucking lot right so I'm going to write so I'm picking up oh this pen don't fucking work

here you go this one does lovely one two three four five

six right okay so you've got six words one at a time give me time to write an answer down okay so you just word associate yeah but i write okay ready yeah crime crime uh okay it's like blankety blank a bit right next one. Armour. Armour. Ooh, okay. Right, next one. Africa. Oh, God. Okay, yeah. Breed.

Breed? Breed. Okay, yeah. Madrid. Madrid? Madrid. Okay. And finally... Ladder.

Ladder? Ladder. Oh. Okay. Okay. Oh. Uh... Okay. Right. So, I've written down six words in association with those six words. Don't mix it up, because you still need to refer to those six words.

You don't forget. Right. Ready? So, the first word was... Now you didn't transmit to me. I'm going to try... By looking at you, you're going to have to guess, you know, if... And how long do I get?

Oh, we'll see. Until either I give up or you give up or this ties itself out in the game you're only meant to get 10 seconds right? it doesn't say 10 seconds

at all there's no time limit on it it says as many as many as they want does it just say just keep guessing yeah it doesn't say anything about time

are you sure? yeah until you get all through the 6 if you pass you can't go back right alright okay so you read the cards out because you need to check which words which time are you sure yeah until you get all through the six if you pass you can't go back right okay so you read the cards out because you need to check which words which so what's the first word crime all right what do you think i wrote down based on the word crime wave give me the look no give me a little look no not wave. Don't do that. He's being very

coquettish. He's making silly faces. Come on, think of words that might have to do with... And then I can react. Rather than just insult my face. Penguin. Crime. Drama. Crime. Sin.

No. Gangster. Crime. Sin. No. Gangster. Criminal. That's not... Crims. Not the word for criminal. The word for criminal. Not the word for criminal.

Maybe a common one. Robber. Yeah! You got a point. Next one. Fuck me. This is great. Armour. Arm great armor armor right what do you think i wrote for armor suit suit night what do you yeah i night you got it see next one what is it africa

africa what do you think i've I wrote down for Africa? Music. Drums. Tribal. Tribal drums. He's being very racist, isn't he? No, I'm not being racist. He is, ladies and gentlemen, isn't he? I'm not doing anything.

I'm just suggesting tribal drums to me. No, I'm not. Africa. Come on. Music. Beat. No, I'm not. Africa. Come on. Music. Beat. No, no, no. Stop saying.

You're not going to say anything. It's a podcast. I've got to do something. Otherwise, it's really weird. Dancing. Just because you make a noise with your mouth, that's still you saying no. You can pass if you want. I'll pass.

That was Toto. Oh, of course. Yeah. Dickhead. Next one. Breed. Fucking. Rutting. Bumping. Smacking bones.

No. Breed. Breed. Breed, you pig. Breed, you pig. Breed. No. Breed. Breed, you pig. Breed, you pig. Breed with a... Stop saying that, because it gives me nothing to give you in response. Syringe. I'm not even guessing.

I was just on one. You want to say pass? No. Come on. Breed. What do you think I wrote? Dog. Yeah.

I wrote dog. Right. Five. Madrid. Okay. All right. What do you think I wrote for! Right, five. Madrid. Okay, alright, what do you think I wrote for Madrid? Flamenco. Bullfighting. He's doing a mime where he's reading a...

Bride. Real Madrid. He's surfing, he's flying a kite. He's flying. Flying. Holiday. He's flying. Holiday. Yeah, holiday. All right, good. And the last one. No, there's one.

Come on, what is it? Ladder. Right, what do you think I wrote for ladder? Oh. He's gone totally Mr. Bean, ladies and gentlemen. He started off by just looking at me. He's gone full on non-verbal. Come on, what do you think about the ladder?

Let me see. There's a guy walking down the street. And he looks up. Oh, he's seen something. He's seen the ladder. What does he do? He goes round it. He goes round it.

Don't walk under. Under a ladder. Bad luck. Yeah, bad luck. There you go. So you got four out of six. We should play that again, Paul. It's quite fun.. Under a ladder. Bad luck. Yeah, bad luck. There you go. So you got four out of six. We should play that again, Paul. It's quite fun.

You have a go. You have to write the right down. Ready? Yes. Give me the pen. There it is. No, is that it? That's not that.

That's the bad one. It's the one I just... Oh, there it is. Don't worry. Got it, love. Okay. Right, ready for your six words? You didn't score. How many did you get?

You got four. Who wins? I got four. Who wins? I got four for guessing. So four, because you missed out on Toto and... What was the other one? No, maybe it was only Toto. How many did you miss? Toto...

Robber you got, didn't you? Yeah. Oh, no, only... Okay, five. Five. Five. Yeah. Okay.

All right, cool. Here's your six words. Ready? Here we go. So I got five, Five. Yeah. Okay. All right, cool. Here's your six words. Ready? Here we go. So I got five, yeah? Yeah. So now I'm competing against you. Yeah.

So, yeah. This is a turducken section of the show where we're playing a game within a game. Okay. So, first word. Chicken. Chicken. That's the word. All right, ready?

That's so easy. There's got to be some... I don't know what you're thinking, though. So's the word. Right, ready? That's so easy. There's got to be some easy... I don't know what you're thinking, though. So, you know. I'm going to try and not think of the first one. All right, well, just next word then. Yeah, ready? Funfair.

Right, we've done funfair now. Say when you're ready. Ready. Number three. Fire. Fire. Fire. Next one. Four. Fire. Next one, four, curtain.

Curtain. Curtain. Curtain. Next one, Snoopy. Snoopy. Snoopy. Snoopy. Okay.

And last one Dice Dice Dice Dice Right here we go Now I have to guess what you've written Ready so what was the first word

It was chicken Chicken drumsticks Chicken dancing Chicken strut Cock Chicken drumsticks. Oh, I don't know. Chicken dancing. Chicken strut. Cock. Big cock. Big, fat, hairy cock.

Big rooster. Rooster. Hey! That's the only one you're getting. Oh, well, we'll see. Funfair, the next one. Funfair. So, clown.

Circus. Maybe Ferris wheel. Walt. You're doing nothing. You're just standing there looking into the fucking air. It's meant to be telepathy, mate. Yeah, but you're giving me nothing. You're sitting there.

I'm giving you nothing. I'm transmitting as hard as I can. You're sitting there. You're sitting there. You're sitting there. You're just throbbing out. You're just not picking up. You're little Danny Torrance right now.

You're little Danny Torrance? Yeah. What are you on about? From The Shining. The little kid. Yeah. Your little Danny Torrance right now. Like little Danny Torrance? Yeah. What are you on about? From The Shining. The little kid. Yeah. He was very psychic. Yeah, but he didn't just...

What? Just because I won't do some kind of grotesque... You need to give me something back so I can react. No. God. What are you doing? Don't... You're painting the roof.

You're fishing. The little duck game. The hooker duck game. Funfair. Rides. Oh, he's Hitler. He's saluting Hitler. Somehow he's...

No! What am I? A prick. A fat prick. Look, there's a string. Yeah. Alright. Alright. It's a string. Yeah. All right. It's a carnival.

It's the ride. The hook. The hook-a-ring. Hook-a-duck. Do you pass? Yeah. Kite. What's that got to do with funfair?

It's got nothing to do with it. It was the word that came into my mind. Oh, you've ruined this already. Next one. Fire. Fire. Yeah. Rock and one. Fire. Fire. Yeah. Rock and roll.

Devil. Satan. Prog rock. Dancing. Prog. Prog. Prog. Progressive.

Pro. P. P. It begins with P. P. Little P. P. Fire. Fire. P. Punk. It begins with P. P, little P. P, fire. Fire, P. Punk.

Punk. Waving at your mum. Hitting someone. Smacking someone. Fire. I've done it. Fire. Devil. Devil, rock, Satan. Damien. I don't know.

Prodigy. Oh, fuck. You are so shit at this. God, I hate this. Curtain. Beef. You put Beef Curtain down, didn't you? No.

Fanny. Yes! Fanny Curtain. Yeah, two. Yeah, great. Great. So, great. Next one.

Snoopy. Dog. Kennel. Woodstock. Snowball fight. Yeah. Snowball. Woodstock. Snowball fight. Snowball. Alright. And next. Dice.

Gambling. Poker. Snake eyes. Shooting up. Heroin. Cocaine. Cocaine drugs. Cocaine clap party. Cocaine hand. Cocaine other hand. Cocaine clapping. Whataine other hand. Cocaine clapping.

No, no, no. What? You've got... What's the word? Dice. You've got two balls of cocaine. No, one of them's... Snowball.

We just had a snowball. I know, but this is a different one. This is the one that killed Jim Blushi. John Blushi? Similar sounding to that. Snowball. No. John Blushi. What's... that Snowball no John Blushie

what's what sounds like Blushie no Tushie Bushie you give up no give me a better clue

that isn't fucking just you clap with your hands I'll try and translate it dice shaker tumbler

Yahtzee wanking off a big cock tickling the balls wanking a cock cock and tickling the balls. Wanking a cock. Cock. Balls. Ball bag. Five ball bags. Eight ball bags. Eight ball! Eight ball? Alright, I'll take

eight ball bags. What a great game. So, I reckon that was two pounds. Yeah? Yeah, two pounds I'm going to say for that. It is in good condition. And it's a reasonably fun game. Yeah, there's not much to it. You can play it at Christmas with your mum and your

dad and everything. It's a little bit of fun. It's like charades. It's for little kids, isn't it? It's a bit like charades as well. But it's a bit of fun. But imagine someone was really strict and said, no, you can't mime. And you can't do anything. And you shouldn't do it on a podcast. Right. Two pounds. You're saying two pounds? Yeah. and you can't do anything you shouldn't do it on a podcast right £2

you're saying £2 yeah it's a nice Christmas game you can have a bit of fun Christmas with that with your drunk hat relatives all waiting for the fucking Mrs Brown boys

did he say where we got this did Mr Purchase say where we got this yeah he bought that in mind hmm I'm going to say £2 have you written that down

yep I've got to have a price now Yeah, alright It's the moment of truth, Paul It's the moment of truth Come on, darling Have a no-wang God

Please Please What? Just make your mind up, quid Just don't say that Think about it this way The slower you take the more chance there is for me to say something stupid. I'm going £1.75.

£1.75. Right, so let's just go through them again very quickly. What did we say for the teeth? I said... A pound. You said... 75p. Okay, for the egg cup.

I said... 75p. You said... A pound. And finally, the game. I said... £2. You said... £1. And finally, the game. I said... £2. You said...

£1.75. It's time to find out what exactly are the answers. Now, I'm going to open this. I don't want to break the seal because I want to take a picture. So I'm going to use scissors to cut along the top. He's cutting around the seal. Now, I'm going to cut along the top like this. And the winner is...

Juicy Jemima. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm a 16-year-old. Oh, I'm a little girl. The winner is Juicy Jemima. Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm a 16-year-old. Oh, I'm a little girl. I'm a 16-year-old girl. No, I'm new round here.

My name's Bertha. Wow. I'm fucking new to the game. Juicy and Bertha. I tell you what, I'm new to the game. So where do you want me to sit? Oh, sit there, love. What do I do? Do I say, hello, I'm new to the game, so where do you want me to sit? Oh, sit there, love. What do I do?

Do I say hello? I'm a little girl. Smack us. Close your legs. I can see your dinner. Smack my eyelids. Yeah? Eyelids?

Close your legs. Close your legs. Why? I can see your dinner. Here we go. All right, here we go. The answers are in my hand. It's exciting times.

Oh, it's a printout. And here's a picture of Noel Edmonds on it. Here's a picture of Noel Edmonds. Oh, he's pointing at his brain as well. We've been hoodwinked. Is there no prices? No, there is. There is.

There is. Fucking hell. I was about to get. If this had been a con with Noel Edmonds, we would have been round your fucking house. Round your fucking house. And it wouldn't be for no nuzzles. No.

It would be not for nuzzles. It would be for the anti-nuzzle. You'd hold him down and I'd fucking put the boot in. Right, you're threatening our fan. Stamp on his spine.

Right, here we go. Picture of Noel. What should we do first? Teeth. Yes. The answer is 50p. So that's you getting a point.

Yep, you get a point. 1.3, like. Right. The Egg Cup. Yeah, the Egg Cup. 50p. That's a point for you. Yep.

So it all comes down to the game. Now, I know the score. Look, he's got a smug look. He's got that same look when he was remembering the Madonna wank. So here's how we can play this. It can either be which one of us two is closer to get the point so one of us can win this, or whether you want to play it on points.

That's the game. No, no, because if we're both out by 20 quid, say, or whatever, then we're to draw. Are you happy with that? I'm happy with a draw. Unless you want it to be whoever's closest to the prize. If we draw by the rules

that we've set, then it's a draw, Paul. All right. We can also have a little side game, which is who's closest on this last round. All right, well then,

let's say who's closest on this. All right, so who was... Well, that's not the actual winner of the game. No, no, no, it's true. But what did you say for the price of this then? £1.75.

And I said two quid. Yes. Right. It was, Eli. £1. So we're both out, so it's a draw. But I'm closer. But you are closer.

Congratulations on the 100th episode. Oh, his name's Samuel. Samuel, you wrote his name at the bottom. Thank you, Samuel. Always put your name on things so we know who brings stuff in. Cheers to 100 more. However, Samuel, you put two pictures of Noel Edmonds on this thing and you're going to get a kick in.

Paul, is it okay if I... I'll just keep this. Yeah, you keep all of it because I'm sure you'll get rid of it in the humane way. I will just, you know... And not chuck your anemic spunk all over his fucking... What do you mean anemic? Why are you trying to belittle my actual spunk now? Yeah.

Don't belittle my spunk. Because I bet it comes out like fucking lemon cordial. What do you mean lemon cordial? It's all weak and dribbly. Lemon cordial's very zesty. I bet your... Stings the eyes. No, I bet your spunk has got nothing going for it.

I bet your spunk... You just started a fucking sentence with, I bet your spunk. That's a game show. I bet your spunk's got nothing going for it. I bet you're spunk. You just started a fucking sentence with, I bet you're spunk. That's a game show. I bet you're spunk. It's got nothing to it. I bet it's like a leaky tap. This is a game show.

I bet you're spunk. Hello. Welcome to I Bet You're Spunk. Yeah, but how would that work? Do you win spunk? Here, come along and come on the show. Hi. I'm Paul from the Northwest.

No, you're not. You don't talk. I introduce you. Oh, okay. Because I'm presenting this show thank you very much so I'll bring you on again yeah

hello Eli Silverman here stop fucking saying shit it's Betty Spunk come on bring the fucker on hello

hello so you're Paul yes where are you from hello my name's Paul and I'm from the Wirral.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Okay, welcome to... You bet your spunk. Do you want to know what I do for a living? No. All right. What do you want to... I'm looking forward to being on the show.

The producers haven't told me what the concept is. I've just turned up. I'll explain that to you right now. All right, okay. And so the audience can tell. Great. What you do, you've got your spunk, haven't you? Yeah, I've got it.

I take it you've got your spunk. I've already brought mine with me in a little cup. Well, that's why I'm asking. Okay. That's what we required of you as a contestant on the show. It took me three weeks to fill it. You have to, yes. Good.

It's a bit off. And it's curdled. Well, you shouldn't have told me that because you're going to get a less good price for your spunk now. Okay. All right. Well, I'm being honest because it took me a while. You're going to lose the show before you even start by being a mouthy contestant,

aren't you? So look, hold on to your spunk and I'll explain. Here on Bet Your Spunk, you come on, you've got some spunk. I've got some. In this washed out Nutella glass. It's an undefined amount. Then you

put it up against our mystery spunk prize. Could be a horse spunk. Could be whale spunk. Okay. And there's a mystery amount behind the door, the spunk door. Right, so what do I have to do? Well, you come in and you bet your spunk.

How much spunk do you want to bet? I want to bet... How do I measure it out? Don't ask me. You've meant to bring your own syringe. I'm going to bring it in teaspoons. All right. So I'm going to offer two teaspoons of mine spunk. Let's put it into the machine. Oh, I'm sorry.

What? It's only... It's a fruit fly spunk. I don't know the rules. I don't know the rules. You bet your spunk. Against what? Against the mystery spunk don't know the rules. You bet your spunk. Against what? Against the mystery

spunk behind the door. Did I have to guess it? Did I have to guess what the spunk was from looking at it? No, you just bet. It's arbitrary. So I'm just giving away

spunk for no reason. You bet an arbitrary amount of your spunk. It's not great. I don't understand the rules. I bring it. I donate it, but I don't know

what I'm donating for. That's it. I'm sorry. We're working out some kinks in the whole gameplay, but essentially it's a mystery amount'm donating for. That's it. I'm sorry. We're working out some kinks in the whole gameplay. But essentially, it's a mystery amount of spunk. Shouldn't I be allowed to at least

guess what that spunk is? And I win what's left. And after I've collected so much spunk, if it fills a certain level, then I win the money. You know what? We need to shut up because this is a hot idea. And we give that to Noel Edmonds. Spunk or no spunk? Right. Paul, is this... Spunk, spunk, spunk. Right, okay. And we give that to Noel Edmonds. Spunk or no spunk? Right, Paul, is this

a... Spunk, spunk, spunk. That was good. Spunk addicts. Paul. No, we're in touch, mate. Now you're all

successful because you got kicked up the fucking jungle. Who knew that was going to happen? Yeah, fucking cunt. Who knew that wasn't going to happen?

With his idle threat. No. I'll quit TV if you let me win. Yeah, fucking cunt. Who knew that wasn't going to happen? Which is idle threat. I'll quit TV if you let me win. Please, you big beardy cunt. No, we're going to pitch you this Bet Your Spunk show.

We'll be in touch. Well, wasn't that a lot of fun? It was not a lot of fun. It was the worst episode of all time. Again, you keep saying that and I don't think it's... Well, that's what it's like fun? It was not a lot of fun. It was the worst episode of all time. You keep saying that, and I don't think it's... Well, that's what it's like.

It's like being in hell, isn't it, this podcast? It's a bit like... Do you think this is what hell is? Well, if it went on, it's like a little segment of hell. Right. What? Right. Welcome back to the last part of Cheap Show.

This is the part where we sum up the show and say goodbye. What did we see today? Well, we had a lot of fun. Samuel sent in a lovely price of shite. And what happened before that? Do you know what? The items were really good. We didn't mention that, but I thought they were good items.

Can I keep the teeth, please? Yes, you can keep the teeth. I'm going to keep the board game. Are you? Yeah. Do you want it? No, I don't want it. Well, then I'll have it.

That's your deal, isn't it? I like my board games, mate. You know me. I've got some new board games. Oh, yeah? Chase, weakest link. Hit the weakest link. Are we going to do a TV special?

We're going to do another cheap show TV special. I'm looking forward to that. And we'll try and get Ash back. People have been asking, actually, is Ash coming back? And yes, he is. But it's Christmas, and he's just literally had a second child.

Congratulations to Ash. Congratulations to Ash for bringing yet another mouth to feed into the world on a planet with only 10 years really left to live before there's no way out of the arm again we're forcing ourselves into. Sober thoughts, Ash.

Sober thoughts. He will be back, but obviously when it's appropriate to time, when he's not covered in sick and baby shit and he's been up for hours. In fact, maybe we should get him on when he's been up for hours and fucking covered in baby sick and traumatising.

Yeah. He'll be like, I've just come from one house where it's like, ow, ow, ow. And then I come to this house and it's ow, ow. Yeah, maybe he'll do better

because if you're constant whining like a baby. Maybe Ash will wipe your bum bum. He'll hold your little legs up in the air. Yeah, I promise. And he'll wash your bum bum with a clean towel.

Oh, God. And then it'll powder it and put a little nappy on you. You have. And it'll kiss your belly. Do you know what? The mask has slipped this week. That's it? The pervert has come out.

Yes. I'm talking about you. Send nudes. Right, here we go. To you. You send me nudes. Why did you say to you, then? To you? I meant that was directed to you to say to me. Send nudes. Right, here we go. To you. You send me nudes. Why did you say to you then? To you?

I meant that was directed to you to say to me, send nudes. I'm going to send you nudes. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? Let's send each other nudes. No, but are we going to do that... Cock measuring competition. No, the bit.

Oh, innit. Talking of cock measuring. Yeah. Pass us that. Tape measure. It's nice, isn't it? Look at the yellow rubberised handle. Oh, right. Anyway, wrapping up the us that. Tape measure. It's nice, isn't it? Look at the yellow, rubberised handle. Right, anyway, wrapping up the show now.

I'm bored. Look, it's got... Ladies and gentlemen... Yeah, you've got a tape measure. Wow. What am I doing to it? Pulling it out and letting it drop back in. But what about the tape measure?

Fucking hell. Oh, yeah. What a singer. I just snotted down my thing. I Fucking hell. Oh, yeah. What a singer. I just snotted down my thing. I'm out. I'm out. Anyway, that's all the Cheap Show for this week. I can't believe it.

This is just a little note to say that, you know, there is a Cheapskates award going on at the moment. They're correlating all the results for the awards. And then we're going to do a special show where we present each award. Announce them, show clips, announce them. It'll be like the Oscars, but the Cheap Show Oscars. So if the Cheaps get an award, should we give it an informal name?

Like, you know, it's called the Oscars or the BAFTA. You know, we should give it a, we should call it something like Cheapo. No, Keith, the Keith. No, fuck off. Ooh. We're not doing Keith shit. I'm getting Keith out. No, Keith. The Keith. No, fuck off. Ooh. We're not doing Keith shit.

I'm getting Keith out. No, you're not. I was threatening it earlier. You can wait until I'm ready for it. Right. Anyway, the Keith. If you want to get involved anyway with your vote for this year's and first annual Cheapskate People's Choice Award. I keep forgetting what the actual proper name is, but it doesn't matter.

Voting for the awards will open on the 14th of December. So not too long after this has gone out, this episode, or yeah, I think it was just, this episode just coming out when this is, voting's open. And it's open till the 6th of January. All right? People can vote. We get to vote.

We can vote. It says people can vote as many times as they wish. Some categories, i.e favorite episode funniest moment allow you to pick up to three options so just be careful when working through the form if the listeners or yourself have any questions feel free to contact at sky girl 1998 sky e g i r l 1998 or at project cheapskate. That's projectcheapsk8. That's the awards on Twitter. So I'm guessing it means that if you go...

It doesn't actually say where the awards are. Rhiannon! Where did he go for the awards? Just go check us out on Twitter. You fucking idiot! That's what you get for pulling it out too far. It twanged your thumb

it twanged my banjo anyway it's probably on reddit actually I think it's on reddit the cheapskates awards you can go there to vote go to thecheapshow.co.uk or reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show

to get involved in the awards we'll put a link on there or something on our main page on the website so yeah vote from the 14th of December to 6th of January and have your say in what makes Cheap Show so fucking lovely.

Email us for anything at thecheapshow at gmail.com. We have Twitter at PaulGannonShow at thecheapshowpod. Eli is... Eli Snow,

the L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And we're on Facebook and Twitter and Reddit and other shit Tumblr and stuff Tumblr's dying

I don't care they turned the porn off didn't they is that what it was basically is there porn on there yeah you could have adult areas of Tumblr

where you can see juicy ladies or firm men or sometimes juicy men and firm ladies depending on what tickles your fancy I've been

you know what tickles my fancy? Yeah. Tiger Fanny. Tiger Fanny. Eli Silverman. Tiger Fanny. We're going to get you a t-shirt made up with the word Tiger Fanny written on it,

and you can walk out on the street and have lots of people look at you and say, what a dirty, dirty man. Tiger Fanny. Tiger Fanny. Tiger Fanny. It's coming for you. Tiger Fanny. Tiger Fanny! Tiger Fanny, it's coming for you. Tiger Fanny, have one, not two. I don't know how to end this episode.

I don't know how to end this episode. Just do it. I can't. I don't know, I can't. I feel like it's not very good. It's not very good. It wasn't very good. Can I just say, I wasn't very good. We were all right.

We were. It's all right. We've done worse alright we've done worse it's terrible we've done worse not much worse not much worse would you like a kiss

bye everyone bye that was Cheap Show bye you