CheapShow - Ep 107: The Office Christmas Party

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

It's been a big old year for the CheapShow chaps, so they are going to celebrate Christmas in style... with an elaborate, no expense spared, all star Christmas office party... Which goes about as well as you think. Paul is drunk and rude, Eli is sober and angry and no matter how hard they try, they can't keep their "celebrity friends" for interfering. So pour a festive drink, relax and join the party. There's a bit of Chas N Dave, crackers to pull, food and drink to devour, presents to give and a finale which promises to be amazing... but ultimately isn't. At all. Cue fights, rants and tears before bedtime! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos and the full live show on YouTube can be found at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

🎵 🎵 Last Christmas you gave me a heart 🎵 🎵 And the very next day you gave it away 🎵 🎵 This year, to save me from tears 🎵 🎵 I'll give it to someone special Hooray! Merry Christmas, Eli. Merry Christmas.

So, I... I've brought all the food we need for the Christmas work stew. Right. I bought all that. So, where are we going for our work stew? Is the editor coming?

Because I'd like to meet them. The editor? Who edits the podcast. I edit the podcast. What. I edit the podcast. What? I edit the podcast. What? No.

What? Is the editor coming? I am the editor. I do everything. Fuck. Is anyone else coming? No, this is it. This is the works.

Cheap show works do. And it's me and you. Because no one else. What about Ash? Ash has kids coming out of him. Out of him? Literally dropping out. Like gremlins.

He had another kid, didn't he? Yeah. So right now he's like, I thought you'd have shut up. I can't. I don't know what. That's Ash's voice. What's Ash's voice like?

Oh. Hello, I'm Ash. Hello, I'm Ash. I can't come to the party because I have kids. That's not what he sounds like at all. Yeah, I don't know. I'm working on it. So I've got the food. It's not what it sounds like at all. Yeah, I don't know. I'm working on it. So, I've got the food.

Where's the venue? The venue I gave you £250 to book. Well, Paul, I've done something very special here. Oh, here we go. So, the venue I've booked

is... It's a really good one. Yeah. The House of Pickles. Oh, you... What do you mean? Here we are. Here we are in the House of Pickles. We fuck What do you mean Here we are Here we are in the House of Pickles We're having our fucking work

Do here Yeah Why We always do it here It's a good venue Okay Question two Entertainments

Food Where's the entertainment In the House of fucking Pickles You've got fucking Teen Yeti He's an internationally Renowned pop singer Is Teen Yeti. He's an internationally renowned pop singer. Is Teen Yeti going to perform at our Christmas party?

He might if you're very nice. Oh, do we have... Have we booked an act? Have we booked a... Teen Yeti. We also need... Teen Yeti. We also need a stand-up comedian

to do our works party because they always have them, don't they? Well... Have we got a stand-up booked for our party? No. What's the 250 quid spent on there? It's for the House of Pickles booking fee. It's very popular venue this time of year.

Who else books this place? Well, people were phoning me up, offering me twice that. Were they? I just had to say no. No. Mr. Osborne. No. All right, well, ladies.

Mr. Schwarzenegger. No. Mr. Joel. I like Billy Joel. Billy Joel. I like Billy Joel Billy Joel I don't know What other famous And well to do

Joels do you know There's Joel Superman Superman's dad Yeah Superman's dad No he did call But yeah He's busy

He's on his own At the Solitude Forest What's it called The Fortress of Solitude Anyway Ladies and gentlemen Oh yeah But talking Black Friday, Paul.

I just want to start the episode now. We're here in the House of Pickles. Yeah, I know. I'm not impressed. I thought we were going to have a nice one. Are you going to ask me what I've done with the money? I did ask you. And you kept shimmy-shammying around.

Paul, I spent it on cocaine. All gone. All gone? What do you mean, all gone? It's all gone. What do you mean? It's gone. Where? Well, where else? Up your It's all gone. What do you mean? It's gone. Where?

Well, where else? Up your nose, alright. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... Shut up, this is the intro. I did put some on my dick. That's what Jack Nicholson likes to do. Fucking hell. Put it on his dick.

Did you know that? I hate this Christmas party already. Well... Fucking ate it. House of Pickles Are you You fucking prick Anything else You'd like to say I'd like to do the intro

Finally now Let's do it then Ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the cheap show Christmas works do You're all invited And Jimmy Savile Apparently as well

I hate you And your fucking Noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy? The fight of the shite

Gun and tank hello Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show And I go and I nuzzle Right, well, this is great, isn't it? Who's been drinking? Me Who's been pre-loading? I isn't it? Who's been drinking? Me. Who's been pre-loading?

I was drinking. All day you've been drinking. No, just this afternoon and most of the evening waiting for you. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Tsk. I'm not drunk before we do the show. Do you know what I hope? What?

You know, like all works Christmas do's. I hope I get off with someone. Who do you think I'm going to get off with? Tini, he's very, if you can deal with the crusted poo around his bum on the hair,

if you can deal with that. All right, as long as he's up for a kiss and a cuddle. Yeah. Do you reckon he gets a lot of that

action at this time? He's got another 250 quid. I'll go and ask him. I haven't got 250 quid. I gave you the last and you spend it on

cock cane. Cock. Cock cane. the last. And you spend it on cocaine. Cock. Cock. Yeah. Cock. Cock. You thought fucking funny. Cock. Jesus.

I'm just going to drink. Paul. I've been DJing for four days in a row. I've been working too. And I have a Tales from the Dance Floor. Oh, great. Entertain me. So, I'm DJing the other day, yeah?

Da-da-da-da-da. No, no. Don't do the blues. I'm DJing the other day, yeah? Da-da-da-da-da. No, no, don't do the blues. I have not got the blues. Right? God, you're really starting to hit the liquor. Ladies and gentlemen, he's put away two... Two Dr Pepper and Jack Daniels.

Which we're calling a Dr Janiels or a Jack Pepper. Dr Janiels? Shut up! It's known as Jack Pepper Dr. Janiels shut up it's known as a Pepper Jack is that fact or is that something you just presumed I believe so

that's what I heard I think that it compliments the Jack Daniels it does but you need something with Jack Daniels because Jack Daniels

tastes like arse arse on it's own it's funny you think it's going to taste nicer than it does and it never does it never does you have to add something

to it and I'm adding D to the P and carry on what's the worst that could happen Paul could have an epi no not does. It never does. You have to add something to it. And I'm adding D to the P. What's the worst that could happen? Paul could have an epi. No, not. The worst that can happen is you could ruin the whole episode. You're working towards it.

I'm going to photocopy my bottom. How? With what? Well, I'm going to give you a piece of paper and a pencil and I'll draw you a bond. You can press the paper on my arse and then you trace around it. But I have to do all dots for the shading. And my little ball bag that presses against the paper

as well. Yeah, you've got to do all of it. I want gooch in portrait. So, this girl comes up to me whilst I'm DJing. This is familiar, isn't it? This is like the Tales from the Dance Floor to end all Tales from the Dance Flo This is familiar, isn't it? This is like the Tales from the Dance Floor to end all Tales from the Dance Floor.

Well, that's a bold claim for our Christmas work to do. It contains almost every element. Can you not? We're trying to record. You're putting your glass down. Yeah? Come at me, brah. Mate, you really are showing the signs of inebriation. Come at me, brah. Come at your brah. Come at me, yeah.

Come at my brah. Yeah, this is, Come at me, yeah. Come at my bra. Yeah, this is, it contains, oh, she says, firstly, Yeah. Can I do a request? So, first of all, faux pas off the top. Yeah.

A question, asking a question. And I nodded. I couldn't be bothered dealing with that. I know. I nodded. You just nodded? Yes, yes, of course. You turned the other cheek. Of course.

And then she went, Can you play some big tunes, please? Oh, big tunes. No, she said, two red flags in the first sentence. Here we go. She goes, it's my mate's birthday. Flag one. Flag one.

Yeah. Could you play some big tunes? Super flag. What does big tunes mean? She just means like something that we all love. Up down funk. Yeah, or whatever. Big tunes.

Big tunes. Miley Cyrus. Not only is that fucking expression, or whatever. Big tune. She wants to hear Miley Cyrus. Not only is that fucking expression excrement, just big tune. You sound like a twat in Magaluf

in 93. Oh. Don't you? Big tune. Big tune. Fuck off. Right, so. Right.

So two red flags. Okay, off the top of the bed. Off the top of the bed there's two red flags. And then she says... Oh.

Yeah. No, then I say to her... She says to me, and I said to her, and she says to me... So she comes up and goes, Oh, it's my mate's... Can I have a request? Oh, it's my mate's birthday. Could you play some big tunes, please? And I say to her, that's not a request.

No. A request consists of two elements. The name of the artist and the name of the tune. Sometimes just the name of the tune if you don't know the name of the artist. It can work. It can work. If it's a big enough tune. But not just the name of the artist.

That doesn't count as a request. Because most artists, unless it's like a one-hit wonder. You know, who was that guy who did Gangnam Style? Ghibli Jib Job. He was not called Ghibli Jib Job. And you know, do you know what you have to do? What? When you make a name up, try and be more creative, Paul.

You've got a certain limited set of syllables that you use for improvisation. One of them is jib and one of them is job. And often they're combined together. The name of the singer is called Bibbly Bob. Oh, Bibble. Bibble is another one. Bibbly Bob and Ghibli Job. I'm sick of it.

Honestly, I'm sick of it. Please try to be more creative on the spot. Anyway, she asks for a big tune. And I explain to her that request. She's like, oh, look. You're an evil twat, you are. And I said to her, no, but it just occurred to me. Because I was quite articulate about it at the time.

I said to her, request is a tune. Yeah. And the artist who wrote that tune. Otherwise, all you're doing is just being condescending. Imagine you went into a sandwich shop. Yeah. And instead of ordering a sandwich, like, I'd like a ham and cheese. Do you have ham on cheese?

Yeah. Instead of saying that, just go, oh, do a big sandwich. You know, do a big sandwich. Oh, the quality of these sandwiches generally is a bit shit. Could you just improve it? Do you know what I mean? Could you just do better sandwiches in general? It's condescending, isn't it?

Because basically what you're saying is, I don't like what you're doing. Just be better at what you're doing. Rather than saying, I would like you to play this song. It's not a request, is it? To say, could you play some big tunes, please? And then she said, third red flag, Paul it? To say, could you play some big tunes, please? And then she said, third red flag, Paul. Third red flag, yeah?

She says to me, she says, what about something a bit more up-tempo? What? What like? Happy hardcore? What tempo would you want? And then she said, techno-y. A bit more techno-y.

It's the Blues Kitchen, though. Oh God, don't make that wop-wop noise. That's another one of your fucking syllables. I'm going to start counting them. The improvisation syllables of Ganon. Wop-wop. Ghibli job. Bibble, ghibli job.

And, yeah. A hoody-hoo. No. Yes! Come on, you always go a hoody-hoo. He Yes, come on. You always go a hootie-hoo. He's having another drink. He doesn't like it. So we've had the red flags.

We've had three red flags so far, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have a request? Yeah. Big tune. Mate's birthday. Yeah. Up tempo. Yeah. There's four red flags so far.

And then she says, oh, it's all right. And I explain it's just kind of condescending for you just to say that just to say could you play something better you told her she was condescending yes I did

and I explained why was she pissed though I didn't use the sandwich to just roll over her glazed eyes no no she was like she took it in and it's just like

yeah because I was like come on that is condescending just to say just go up to someone and say could you do better at your job

you would never you know what I mean isn't it yeah a request is requesting a song it's not going and say could you do better at your job? You would never, you know what I mean? Isn't it? Yeah. A request is requesting a song. It's not going oh could you just be better at it? Could you just dance better? Eli, you know on this podcast

can you do bigger gags? Bigger gags? Can you just do bigger gags please? Like what? I don't know. By who? Just do a bigger gag. Do a bigger gag. Do a bigger gag! Alright. Come on. Dog walks into an opera. No, what do you mean, der-der?

Don't say der-der. Don't go der-der-der-der. All right. Will you promise me not you won't? Do you know what dog's favourite parts of the opera are? The arr-arr-arr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r Good. I'm going to use that if you don't mind. You can have that. So, Dog walks into the opera, yeah? And he sits there for a... He sits there for a bit,

you know, he's got a ticket and everything. And then, like 20 minutes in, he turns to the gentleman next to him and he goes, excuse me, sir, do you know when the...

Oh, ladies and gentlemen The stand-ups arrived For the show So, it's our Christmas do And that was my tell-all From the dance floor I'm going to give it Three out of five

She also said That her nephew was a DJ So of course she understood This is it Did you just walk away? Oh yeah She couldn't think of a tune Then she said

I can't think of one So literally She just wanted to come up And say I was of a tune. Then she was like, I can't think of one. So literally, she just wanted to come up and say I was doing a bit of shit. Maybe she was trying to shut you up. Oh, Eli. No, she wasn't. Can you play big tunes? And I'll let you play my big tunes.

That voice also is one of your fucking tropes. It's not. It's a new voice. No, it's not. It's a new voice. And it's not even original. It's a new voice. It was off that animated sketch show called... What? You remember it. No, I's not. It's a new voice. And it's not even original. It's a new voice. It was off that animated sketch show called... What?

You remember it. No, I don't. You're denying it, but you do. I hate you. You're ruining my Christmas party. This is a Christmas party. All right, what's happening? I brought snacks and gifts and prezzies.

You know what we should do first? Also... Oh, I hate this. Also, I was walking through the crowd... Kiss a girl. This time of year is such a nightmare. I was walking through the crowd with my bag of records, trying to get to the stage to set up.

And I walk through this group of young men. Excuse me, I say. And then one of them immediately says, how big do you think my dick is? And then the other one, the other one in my face goes, hello, Gandalf. Wow.

Fuck off. Who are these youngsters? I'm glad that they've broken the country so they have to grow up into a shit job market. Ooh, a little bit of politics there.

Fucking insulting me, obviously doing my job, Gandalf. What the fuck? And what am I going to say to that? How big do you think my dick is?

What would be the right comeback with that? I don't think you have a dick. How long is a piece of string? Yeah, that works. Or, I'm waiting for the aria. No, what you should say is,

Paul, shine on to it. I knocked your lid off. It's fine. You've had so much booze already, I haven't had one. Do you want some? I don't,

it's disgusting. Oh, I'll get some booze. I've brought some booze with me for the party. Don't worry. But, you know what we should do first? What? Pull a cracker.

Okay. That's what you do at Christmas. I got these crackers from Poundland. I've got a few. Look, you've got your grip. You're doing the cheetah's grip. All right, I'll hold on to that then. No, I do not want any overlap into the crease between the prize pod.

Into the bulk of the cracker pod. Ready? Three, two, one. Oh, he wins. It didn't even crack. Ow! I saw that spark. I won, everyone.

I won that. What do you get in it? You've got to put a hat on. What is it? Put the hat on first, shall I? Yeah. Is that traditional? You've got to put the hat on.

Put the hat on first. I'm getting the Christmas party mood. Christmas time. How big do you think my dick is? Tiny. Hello, Gandalf. I was just like, get think my dick is? Tiny. Hello Gandalf. I was just like get out.

You should have said like Gandalf it's as big as my staff. I wanted I was they were intimidating me on purpose. Fuck them.

What present did you get in it? Fucking fortune telling fish. That's the best thing you can get in a cracker. It's the worst thing of all time.

It's the best thing to get in a cracker. What is it? You know what's ironic is the fish it's one of those fish. You put it in your hand. What's it made of?

Plastic. So, in fact, it's a fish that is killing actual real fish because it's filling our seas with plastic. Do you know what I mean? That's the fortune. That's the fortune I tell. The death of the fucking planet. Very good, Poundland. You put it in your palm of your hand and what?

It tells a fortune. So, you have the fortune telling card. That's so cheap, man. They used to have an ornate one. You put it in your palm of your hand and what? It twists. It tells a fortune. So you have the fortune-telling card. That's so cheap, man. They used to have an ornate one. You know what I mean? In Victorian writing, at least. To make it look special. That just looks like something you'd buy with an electronics.

Mate. You know what I mean? Like a cheap electronics. It's a cheap cracker. I got it for a pound for a box of 12. You suck. I can't wait for Team Yeti to arrive. The wonderful magical tell the fortune.

The wonderful magical tell the fortune. The wonderful magical tell the fortune. That's what it says as a sentence. The wonderful magic tell the fortune. There you go. Place fish on palm and his movements

will indicate. So the electrostatic hand static on your hand twists the little cellophane fish in your hand. So put it in your palm

and let's see what it does. Which palm? Any palm. He puts it in his palm and let's see what it does. Which palm? Any palm. He puts it in his left palm and oh, the head's twisting. So what would you say? The head's twisting? It's head's twisting.

It's done a flip. It's done a full flip. Oh mate, it says if the head's moving. Wow, it's going mad. It's going crazy. I've never seen a more vigorous

fortune telling fish. Oh hang on, it says turns over. It's turned over twice. Do you know what that says? What? False. What do you mean false?

It just says false. If it fish turns over, false. That's going fucking banana-y. It's out of the go. I want to go on my hand. Oh, I've creased its tail.

Doesn't matter. You read it out or I'll put it on my hand. You describe what it's going to do. You describe what it's doing. Here we go. Put it on the palm of my hand. Oh!

It's curled up into a little ball. Place fish. On the palm of my hand, yeah. And it's curled up into a... It's curled up. What does that mean? What does it mean? Fickle.

Fickle? I hate this. It's a fucking piece of shit. It always was. I'm going to pull another cracker. No, what's that? Oh, you get one fish. Is that all you get?

You get a joke in it. Right. It's... These are the worst get a joke in it. Right. These are the worst crackers I've ever seen. Honestly. What's the joke? Do it in your comedian's voice since we haven't got a stand-up coming. Hello.

Hello. Here we go. Stand up, ladies and gentlemen, at the Christmas do. Hello. My wife told me I shouldn't play nights like this. She was fucking right, you cunts. Boo.

I hate you, you You cunts. I hate you. You fucking cunt. Hello? Alright, no. Here we go. I've got some jokes. There we go. You'll like this one. What's white?

Sponk. And goes up. And the answer is Sponk. Oh, up. And the answer is Sponk. It's a funny gag. No, what is it? You've got to guess it. What's white and goes up?

What's white? Christmas, remember? Christmas themed. What's white around Christmas? Snow. What's white and goes up? Snow up. Snope.

Up snow. Up tentacles. Icicle. A confused snowflake. It's meant to be humorous. That was very poor. Pull it. No, I've got more jokes.

Come on. Question. Yeah. What is the last day before the start of Lent? That's a question. It's not a joke. No. Charade. What a great gag. Oh a question. It's not a joke. No. Charade.

What a great gag. Oh, no. You've got three things. At least they've gone to value. You've got a joke, a question, and a charade. Should I do the charade? Yeah, do the charade. All right.

Here we go. There we go. Charade. It's a book. He opens a hand. He's counting on his fingers. He's counting out seven. Seven words, and it's a book.

Right, here we go. First word, the. Second word, tiger. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Yes. Yeah, good. Right, next one. Pull this next one.

You got that well quick, didn't you? Where are you? Right, here we go. Three, two, one. I win it this time. You won it that time. Fair and square. I get to put... Is the fish in? Has that got a fish in as well? No, I ain't got it. I've got me time. All won it that time. Fair and square. I get to put...

Is the fish in? Has that got a fish in as well? No, I'm gone. I've got my hat. I've got my Christmas hat on. Oh, I look pretty. It's not... Is your head too small?

My head's too big. Too small. It's all right. Okay, what's in here? That's what she always used to say, wasn't it? It's a little hologram. It's a little pad. Well, that's more... It has more utility than the fish. A tiny... I could do that. Do wasn't it? It's a little hologram. It's a little pad. Well, that has more utility than the fish.

A tiny... I could do that. Do you want it? Yeah. There you go. Try opening the other two up. Oh, no, I'll do the jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a cracking joke for you.

Oh, yeah? A lovely, family-friendly fucking material. Here we go. What can a motorbike? The Santa ride. Come on. You fucking know it. we go. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? Come on. You fucking know it. Come on.

A Harley Snowison. No, a Holly Davidson. You would have nearly got that. I fucking knew it would be that. There we go. Here's a question for you. Let's see if you know your general knowledge, ladies and gentlemen. General knowledge.

What is the most frequently used letter in the English language? Oh, what do you think it is, ladies and gentlemen? Do you know? E. He's not wrong. Right, I'm finally a charade. All right. You do the charade for me.

All right, here we go. I'm not doing the comedian at the moment. Right, okay, here we go. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Charades. Film. It's a film, ladies and gentlemen. He's very astute. I did the motion for old-timey cinema camera.

Right, here we go. Next hit. Come on. How many letters? we go. Next hit. Come on. How many letters? Five letters. Five letters. Words. Words.

Five words. Five words. You're not meant to talk during this bit. That's why it's called charades. Second word. Fat. Bosch. Oh no.

No, that's the third word. Fucking hell, you're so bad. I win at charades. Right, okay, so that's the third word. That was, you're so bad. I win at charades. Right, okay, so that's the third word. That was fat, right? Second word. Tall. High.

Tits. Oomlaters. Belly tits. Enlarge. Grow. Tiny. Seed. Grow from a seed.

Oh, come on. You've got to be better. Sounds like... Head. Oh, come on. You've got to be better. Sounds like head. Sounds like hair. Head. Scalp. Skull. Cap.

Skull. Come on. Sounds like hair. Wig. Sounds like wig. Yeah, there you go. Big. There you go.

The big fat, my big fat Greek wedding. There we go, ladies and gentlemen. Lots of fun. Lots of fun at this Christmas party. It's finally kicking off. Lovely, lovely. Let's just see what the other two crackers are. All right, let's open those crackers.

There's loads. Come on, we might as well. Why don't we have a go? We want to see who wins. One, two, three. You won that because you cheated. What was it? Oh, it's flown out.

It flew out. Oh. Now we'll never know what it was. No, there it is. What is it? It's very disappointing. What is it? Oh, it's flown out. It flew out. Oh. Now we'll never know what it was. No, there it is. What is it? It's very disappointing. What is it?

It's down there. Oh, it's a protractor. That's alright. It's a little protractor. Alright, I could go with my interesting thing. Some coloured bits of plastic.

Another hat in the bin. Joke. Joke. How did the music teacher... Why did the music teacher need a ladder? Because she'd... Get to the high jokes.

Notes. In the Bond films, who is... Sherrod. Heartbreak Hotel. Next. All right. Here's one. Pull a cracker.

Oh, you win that one. The prize came out. It's by the bin. Bin bag. In the house of pickles. Oh, what is that one. The prize came out. It's by the bin. Bin bag. In the house of pickles. Oh, what is it? It's a plastic bookmark. Disappointing.

I quite like those coloured plastic things. They go in my abstract knick-knacks. Ready? Yeah. What an atmosphere. What do you get? Yeah. If you cross Santa...

He won't give you presents. No, wait for me to fucking finish telling the joke. If you cross Santa, he will be very upset and you won't get presents. If you don't stop interrupting me, I'm going to fucking abuse you. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? Come on, Paul. You can do this. Santa ducks.

No, come on. What noise... What noise... Quack. And what have we been... Quackers. A bunch of quackers. No, come on. What noise? Quack. And what have we been? Quackers. A bunch of quackers. No, but what?

You pull a quacker. But what season is it? What holiday are we celebrating? Crackmas. Crackmas. You're doing this on purpose to make me mad. Christmas happy quackmas. I'll read the fucking question one more time.

Father quackmas. What? Come on. What do you get if you cross... Santa. With... A duck. A Christmas quacker, you fucking idiot.

Why would crossing Santa with a duck get you a Christmas quacker? Because he's Christmassy and ducks go quack. Come on. Pull the cracker. Oh, no, wait. A charade. Go on. See if you can get this. All right. One, two, three, four, five words. Film. Come on. Pull the cracker. Oh, no, wait. Just charade. Go on. See if you can get this.

Alright. One, two, three, four, five words. Film, five words. Yeah, first. The. The tree. The knobbly knobs. The pyramid. The fight. The boxer. The box. The rocky.

The rocky mountains of. The rocky. The third word. The mountains of madness. The Rocky Mountains of... The Rocky... The third word. The Mountains of Madness. The Scream. Fucking... You're such an idiot. You are such an idiot. What is it?

Fuck you! The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Wrong one. You can't. Yeah. No, you're going to get this if it's the last thing I ever do. Come on! So, the fighter, the pyramid, the boxer. The third do come on so the fighter the pyramid the boxer the third

word is so you've got the first two words the rocky the rocky mountain the rocky come on it's a film yeah the rocky films the rocky film the rocky one two three four are you really are you not you're shitting me you can't the rocky it. The Rocky what? The Rocky scream. The Rocky yell. The Rocky shout. Okay. Yeah. Fourth word. Window.

Door. Writing. The Rocky mount. Painter. Paint. Art. Portrait. Frame.

I don't want to play it. Just tell me. No. You have to get this. Listen. You have to get this. You have to get this You have to get this Right Yeah

Everyone At home The ladies and gentlemen Listening to this podcast Are screaming at you They are They all are Rocky Horror Picture Show

Fuck me That was like Giving birth to an egg Come on Pull me a cracker A big egg A spiky egg Pull my big cracker

Put it in your hand I won that one. Oh, look at this. Clappy hands. I actually like that. It doesn't fucking work, though. No, but it still looks good and plasticky. Yeah, you like things with hands on.

It's a keychain. Clappy hands. Right, the joke is, what happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 24 days. Fuck off. It'd be 25 anyway because you always get the 25th door

with the chocolate on Christmas morning. It's usually the biggest chocolate. Wank. Yeah, but he didn't get the chocolate because he was in jail. When is a...

What is a female turkey called? A hen. You're lots of fun, aren't you? Last one. Oh my God. There's another one. I win that one so that means I win crackers.

Yay. It's a golf tee. Oh, I like that as well. Here you go Quackers. Yay. It's a golf tee. Oh, I like that as well. Here you go. Right. Joke, what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? A bloody snowboard. Bloody snowboard.

Frostbite. Right, here we go. Here's an easy one for you, all right? The day before yesterday, Bill was seven years old. Next year, he will turn ten. How is this possible? Come on, ladies and gentlemen. The ladies and gentlemen are shouting at home. No, they're not. They're shouting at home.

I have the answer, Paul. Go on. He was born on a leap year. On February the 29th. No. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. They're listening at home, shouting at the podcast. No, you haven't given me a chance. It's obvious, Eli. Well, give me the first two words of the answer. Today is.

Go on. Today's his birthday. No. Today is New Year's Eve. The day before yesterday, Bill was seven years old. Right? The day before yesterday, he was seven. Next year, he will turn 10.

Well, that was just possible. How does he jump from seven to 10? I don't know. Oh, the answer is today is 1st of January. Bill's 8th birthday was yesterday. So the day before, 30th of December, he was still 7. This December he will turn 9 and then next year he will turn 10. No, but doesn't it say his birthday was the day before yesterday?

Today is the 1st of January. Bill's 8th birthday was yesterday. The day before yesterday he was 7. The day after that he was 8. the day before the 30th of December He was still 7 I don't, I've lost all interest Anyway, Sherrod is Dancing Queen There you go

It's now time, the final section The final section? The final bit of this opening party It's a Christmas Mikasa Suikasa Where we give each other presents Yeah Paul, about that Yeah party, it's a Christmas Mikasa Tsukasa where we give each other presents. Yeah, Paul, about that. Yeah.

Mine aren't very good. Right. But there are more than one. Do you know when you think that's not really enough by itself, that present, you know? Have you got some shit? It's really poor. I want a present for my Christmas do. You will have a present. Give me a fucking present.

You will have a present. Give me it now Is it time for now? Yeah, isn't it like a jingle we do? You just about get away with it until you do that. Give me my present. Oh, I haven't got it. What do you mean? I haven't got it with me.

Where is it? I've got to get it out, haven't I? Where did you put it? Oh. Let me... It's under there. Where? It's under there. Well, get under there then.

I'm going to just carry on drinking. My flatmate Rogan has got you one this year as well. Oh, I didn't get Rogan anything though because I didn't know. I would have gotten him something otherwise. I'll give him a tube or something. You have to go down the tube of legs. What was that? A tube of what?

I don't know. A tube of meat. Yeah. A meat tube. I'll give him a big tube of my meat. A big trouser tube. My big trouser meat. A big tube.

My insane, crazy, spitting cobra meat tube. Close your legs. I'll move them over here. Oh, he's going in between them. Reach down. Your chips are lifting. Reach down. There you go.

Get down here. Here's the one for me. All right. Oh, what is it? I think it's quite nice. Singapore special gourmet tea. Ooh. So what is it?

No expense spared. It's tea. It's tea. It's tea, Paul. In a nice box. That's the kind of tea you like, isn't it? Stop sighing. Stop sighing. Stop sighing.

Mi casa to you. Let's do this segment properly. You've got very sloppy. And you know what it is? It's because you've had three fucking pepper jacks in quick succession. I haven't even started drinking yet, Paul. Can I start drinking, please? It's a lovely thing, this.

And it's sealed. Do you want to look at the tea bags inside? Or just wait until you want a cup of tea. Do you drink tea? Yeah. There's your fucking casser, then. To you, me casser. Happy New Year.

I couldn't find a funny fucking gift. Don't do that. Don't throw the gift in the bin, Paul. I'm throwing it in the bin. You're getting very hostile, and I do not like it at all. Mate, I spent all this morning in presents and gifts and food. Here's this thing from Rogan. Oh, it's a yuppie bar. Wafers with peanuts and

cocoa coating. I like saying the word cocoa coating. It's like S-S-Studio. No, don't. Paul, you're not responding. All the time. You're not responding to my comedic cues. Cocoa coating.

I don't want to. What do you want to do with this? Give me a feed line. Come on. So, what kind of yuppie will you be putting in your mouth this year, Paul? Grant from Barclays. Who? Grant from Barclays? Yeah. Who's he? He comes round

the house at Christmas. What's he called? Wibbly Woo? No. Does he say Wibbly Woo? No, he makes a wibbly. Does he go blibbly blob? No. Does he go, ooh, who's he? He comes round the house at Christmas. What's he called, Wibbly Woo? No. Does he say Wibbly Woo? No, he makes a Wibbly. Does he go Blippily Blob? No. Does he go, ooh, what's, what's, what's, what's the noise you're cracking at? Grant comes round every Christmas and makes a deposit. That's all you need to know.

I've got another gift. All right. You ready for this? Yeah. This you will like. You might be able to mix it with something. I shouldn't have thrown the tea away. That was mean of me.

You shouldn't. It was a nice box of tea, Paul, and you need to take a photo of it. I'll take it home. Hate this Christmas party. You know, like last year, we did a little play. And the year before that, we had a little adventure. I just thought we'd have a Christmas do this year with lots of atmosphere and excitement,

and it wasn't going to happen. Instead, I'm just sitting here half pissed with a box of Singapore Speciality Gourmet Tea. English breakfast. So, that's great. Now he's back. He's back now, isn't he?

That was my casser to you this Christmas casser and this is the third part of my three-part gift, which is pretty good, isn't it? So far, I've been giving a chocolate bar some tea and what's this? Christmas castle. And this is the third part of my three-part gift. Which is pretty good, isn't it? Say what you see. So far, I've been giving a chocolate bar some tea, and what's this? Virgin's Black... Oh, hello.

Virgin's Virgils. Oh, black cherry cream soda. Have you heard of that drink before? No, it's microbrewery. So, what, is it alcoholic? Is it alcoholic? I think it's got botanicals or brewed elements. 100% natural. Oh, that's nice? Is it alcoholic? No, I think it's got botanicals or brewed elements. 100% natural.

Oh, that's nice. Is it alcoholic? No. I wonder why it says microbrewery then. Because it's a microbrewery, they brew. Oh, well that's nice. Oh, that's alright. Then I'll have that.

I'm going to taste that. I'll have it later. Maybe I'll have it with a little bit of JD. That's what I'm saying. So as you... Oh, he's just downed the rest of his pepper jack. Now he's going to... You open this. Okay. I'm going to open his pepper jack Now he's going to You open this

Okay I'm going to open it for me I'm going to put This is black cherry cream soda Virgil's Alright You need to give it a name We need to give this cocktail a name

Well it's black cherry cream soda How about Oh black cherry Bam bam No but it has to have the doctor No there's no doctor in it It's just Jack Daniels Oh yeah

And that Is Jack Jack Cherry Creamy Jack Creamy Daniels Jacket cream Creamy Daniels. There's Jack. Jack Cherry. Creamy Jack. Creamy Daniels. Jacket Cream. Jacket till cream comes out. Come on.

Open it up. I want to try it with a little bit of cherry creamy. Stop just shouting fucking words. We'll get drinking. That's got a very distinct cherryade. I'll have you a little sip because it's Christmas. Come on, love. No, wow. That's got a very distinct... I'll let you have a little sip. Cherryade. Go on.

I'll have you a little sip because it's Christmas. Come on, love. No, you pour it out first. All right. Okay. Pour yourself some out. Have a little taste first. What's that like?

Oh, subtle. But nice. Is it not... It's not very sweet? No, not that... I mean, it's sweet, but it's not... Is that what you mean by subtle? It's got a little bit of...

I think that's a cherry. Have a little bit of that. Oh, it's nice. I'm going to have a little bit with me. Shh. Secret drink. What's the of that. Oh, it's nice. I'm going to have a little bit with me. Shh, secret drink. What's the carbonation? Oh, not too bad. Doesn't stay too busy too long, but just enough for the bubbles to work.

Nice, isn't it? I do. I've got a thing for cherryade at the moment. I don't blame it. It's one of the forgotten sodas. You know what I mean? I'd say it's the forgotten soda. Because people talk about Coca-Cola and Cherry Coke

But it's not the same as Have you ever had a Cherry Dr Pepper No They do those They're nice Right It's my Mikasa to you now Alright

You alright Yeah And I fucking wrapped this I'm going to just put the Virgils To the cat back on the Virgils Yeah put it back on Come on love There you go

Come on There you go Oh he's wrapped it and everything Oh I'm starting to feel bad Yeah Says to Eli from Saint Nick Shh Santa sent it Come on. There we go. Oh, he's wrapped it in everything. Oh, I'm starting to feel bad. Yeah. Says to Eli from St. Nick. Shh.

Santa sent it. Oh, I feel bad now. Yeah. Open it up. Open it. Open it. Open it. Oh, mate.

Yeah. You really shouldn't have. Look what I got you. Fuck me. Oh, if you want. It's a Tomy thing With the thing Yeah It's wow

Tomy wow It's a Tomy wow Yeah So like the upright version Of the Tomy Mate Does it work Yeah

It's got batteries in And you know You can have a little play of it I feel really bad now Yeah because you got me tea Rogan got me a chocolate bar And this And I've gotten you something That cost a hundred pounds To buy of it. I feel really bad now. Yeah, because you got me tea, Rogan got me a chocolate bar, and this. And I've gotten you something that cost

£100 to buy. It cost £100. I went all out. Where did you get this, Paul? I bought it online. Really? Yeah, I saw it and I thought you'd like that, because I've got R. You've got R, and now I've got this. Don't break the...

You've just got to be firmer with it you've got to click it in I just didn't want to break it the little bit awkward thing about it is this is all complete yeah

this is fucking great you've got to get the ball up and down all the assault core stuff and flip it and the ball unfortunately is a little bit weird

because when you get to the middle you've got to basically flick it all the way back to the start by convolutely shaking the machine

around it doesn't have an automatic return I've got to get it back to the start myself yeah which is shaking the machine around. It doesn't have an automatic return. I've got to get it back to the start myself. Yeah, which is over there. So it's a bit of a pain in the arse, that. But, ultimately, I've had a little go of it. It's not hard, but it's...

You know, like con man where it's not particularly hard, but it's about how... How do I get it through there? I can't get it out the top of that bit. Hey, you can have it from here. I can't get it out the top up there. How did you do that? I do it.

Get the ball to the start for me. This is good. Oh, he's turn it on. Yeah, you have to turn it on to get it out. No, I've just got it. There you go. It's at the start now. So all you've got, you know, you've just got to turn the dial.

Have a little go with that, love. Have a little go with that. So you put it on to start. That's the timer. Yeah. Just have a little go with it now, but not too long, because it's a shit podcast. Oh, what's that block you? That blocks me!

This is fucking excellent. I really like this. There you go, it's yours. I'm going to borrow it just to make a video one day for the channel, yeah? Yeah. But other than that, that's yours. That's your Christmas present from me. I love this.

There you go, happy Christmas. Thank you very much. We've had a good year, so I thought we'd get you something actually nice. I can't even think of anything funny. I actually... And as an aside, it was a twofer. I got this with it. But this is mine because I want to keep this.

But this came with it when I bought it as auction. Ooh, you've got this one as well. Yeah. Now, this is a Tomy game, but it's designed to look exactly like a Nintendo Game & Watch, right? It's meant to look like a retro TV console thing. But you know what I love about the whole design ethic of all of these Tomy games that we've been getting into? What, the mechanical element of it all? I love the mechanical element, but I love how their design is trying to be like Atari and early Nintendo.

It's trying to be like that. But it is also from that era. So it's kind of got an authenticity, if I dare say that, about the actual graphics. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's nice.

This one's very simple. It's like trying to... It's actually trying to compete with computer games. It's kind of trying to compete, but on a budget, because I imagine that would be a lot less than a game and watch.

They're just lovely, though, aren't they? It's interesting, this thing, because this thing looks like a little kind of old TV set, almost. It's got a little screen and a dial. And it's very simple. All you've got to do is move your little knight from left to right. Is this in working condition as well?

Yeah. And it's called Knight's Mission. You've got to get the knight from the right-hand side. How many of these pocket arcade ones did they do? There's a few, but I can only find this one. Wow. So, yeah, you move it back and forth and you get points every time you touch the princess. So this is a Tomy wow that you got me.

That's a wow. So this is in the same range as the ARG. ARG. And kind of a distant cousin of Kongman. A distant cousin of ARG. Yes, but it's much more contained than Kongman. Like Screwball Scramble as well. It's a vertical.

It's a vertical gameplay. Yeah. And again, it's not hard like ARG, which is built to be difficult. This is just how fast can you get around the assault course. Really? So have you got all the way around? Yeah, you can get around reasonably easy. But it's a timing thing. So it, how fast can you get around the assault course? Really, so have you got all the way around? Yeah, you can get around

reasonably easy, but it's a timing thing, so it's like, can you beat the clock? I can love it. Absolutely love it. So this one, you just wind up.

This is the knight's mission. Yeah. Wound up as far as it can go, and then you've got left and right switch and start and stop and a little counter dial there. And again,

all you've got to do, it's not that clever, but you go start, and the little dragons jump up and down oh mad and then you've just got to move the little knight across to the princess here now what's happened has it faded somewhat the um the screen because they don't look that clear in there or have they faded or is it just the lighting in here it's just the lighting oh no they're quite yeah little dragons so every time you touch the dragon it kind of resets you got've got to go back to the start again that's it you just have to

get across that's all oh I've got to go back now because it won't let you go any further if you get stopped by a

dragon it's like one tiny isn't it it's like one tiny element of a Mario game do you know what

I mean one sort of timing thing one screen not even you'd have more on one screen than that

little pocket arcade thing oh fucking great so there you go well done Paul Merry on one screen than that so a little pocket arcade thing oh fucking great so there you go well done Paul

Merry Christmas Eli Silverman that's a proper present with no sarcasm or irony or I'm going to take it back

afterwards it's yours to keep unless you want to gamble no it's yours mate

Merry Christmas thank you so much that's going to be a pride of place good Pride of place. Good. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

All right. Whee! Drinky poos. Come on, darling. Hello, Gandalf. Come on, darling. Hello, Simon Pegg. Is that what you used to get, Simon Pegg? What do they think you used to look like Come on, darling. Hello, Gandalf. Come on, darling. Hello, Simon Pegg. Is that what you used to get?

Simon Pegg? What do they think you used to look like? Sometimes, yeah. Simon Pegg or... Hello, Simon Pegg. Or Fat Pegg. Oi, Pegg. Do they go to do that?

Oi, Pegg. Oi. Oi. No, they don't. Oi, Pegg. Oi. No, never really happened. Oi.

No. Oi, Pegg. Shut up. Hello, Gandalf that could be a sexual euphemism couldn't it what oh

go down between ladies legs hello Gandalf is that what you mean yes thank you yes oh so you're gonna do it oh

oh I'll be the lord of your ring that's good and I'll treat it precious I don't know why I'm enjoying this you shall not pass you'll say And I'll treat it precious. I don't know why I'm enjoying this.

You shall not pass, you'll say. And then you throw it all into Malk Du. Right, I'm having a Campari and soda. Oh, we're drinking laser gel. We're having lovely drinks. This is my first of the day, unlike some people. Have I got one? Yeah. Can I have that one?

Now, have we talked about it on the show? Have we briefly talked about it? We briefly talked about it. I thought it was a soft drink. I thought it was just... You bought it thinking it was a soft drink. Yes, and I gave it to you, and you were like, I think this has got mose in it.

Yes, because Campari is what? What is it? I love the bottles. I think this has got mose in it. I think that... I love the bottles. I think this has got birds in it. I think that's got birds in it. Eewah, eewah. I think this has got birds in it. Why do I sound like David Bellamy?

Why do I sound like David Bellamy? That's what you sound like when you're drunk. Is it? Eewah. Oh, woow, woow, woow, woow. Indiana. Gruff. Gruff.

Rattles. Bibbly, bobbly. Oh, doow, doow, doow. Gribbles and gruttles. Oh, doow, doow, doow. Oh, doow, doow, doow. Oh, doow, to have me Campari. Yes, so Campari. So we thought it was a soft drink, but it is in fact a mixture of Campari and soda. What's Campari, though? That's a famous... I can never do this thing.

Because you're doing it totally wrong. He's trying to open the... Can I show you? Yeah, I keep forgetting how you do it. Now, it's very simple. Yeah. You place it. Look at it from above.

Yeah. Look at your bottom knuckle. Oh, yeah. Right, the one that connects... The knuckle that connects your... Your pointing finger. Your hand, yeah. Yeah.

The knuckle that connects your finger to your hand. Is that the bottom knuckle? Or is that the knuckle? What's that? That's a knuckle, I think. That's a knuckle your hand. Is that the bottom knuckle or is that the knuckle? That's a knuckle, I think. That's a knuckle, yeah. But that's not a knuckle. Is that a knuckle as well? That's where you put knuckle dusters. You bend in your finger. Is that a knuckle as well? That's a knuckle as well. So you've got two knuckles per finger? Yeah, I think so.

I never thought about that. Those are knuckles. Those are the knuckles. So they're knuckles as well. That's bits where your fingers bend. And what about the top, the very top of the finger? Is that a knuckle as well? Did you ever play knuckles. So they're knuckles as well. Those bits at the top where your fingers bend. And what about the top, the very top of the finger? Is that a knuckle as well? Did you ever play knuckles? How many knuckles are there

per finger? Answer me this. Per finger? Three. One, two, three. One, two, three. Yeah. One, two, three.

Are those knuckles? But I thought in a film you only get two. The back ones are only the knuckles. Knuckle talk. Knuckle talk. Knuckle talk.

Knuckle talk. No, I've got it. Because they say up to the knuckles. Don't they? Up to the kn Knuckle talk. Knuckle talk. No, I've got it. Because they say up to the knuckles, don't they? How's up to the knuckles in there? That's what they say, yes. You filth. Or him.

Or it. I mean that. Or that. Or Mr. Oink. Mr. Oink. I've got my knuckles. I'm up to my knuckles in Mr. Oink. Oh, he's looking for truffles.

I'm up to my knuckles. Sounds like a really bad ELO song, that. Up to my knuckles. An XTC song. Up to my knuckles in Mr. Oink. Right. So, but that solves the problemTC song, up to my knuckles in Mr Oink. But that solves the problem for me. Those aren't knuckles. Those are just the bits of your finger where it bends. I don't know. Because if you're up to

the knuckle, you're up to the end of the finger where it joins. And that's where your knuckle is. Open the bottle for me then. You put it in your bottom knuckle. Right. So now it's there. You've got your square around. If you look from the top, it's square around. Yeah.

Now, where do you put the light? Okay. You put the lighter in vertically. This is how we get the torque needed to pop the top off. Yes? Happy talky, talky, happy talk. At a right angle. Yeah.

What you've been doing is trying to put it up. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I've been doing the leverage from the wrong position. So all you need to do, once you have that. Yeah. And you've placed it so it's just underneath there. Yeah. This is all good. Pops. Pop. Pop. Just push it. Just pops off. Lever it off. There you go. from the wrong position. So all you need to do, once you have that, and you've placed it so it's just underneath there,

this is all good. Pops. Pop. Just push it. Just pops off. Lever it off. There you go. There's your Campari soda, mate. I'm going to have a bit of that.

Cheers. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. It's a strange taste. It's bitter. What is Campari? It's a bitter. It's a bitter, isn't it? It's a bitter. It's a bitter, isn't it?

It's a bitter liqueur. Made with oranges, I think. Yeah. Yes, it's orange. It's got that kind of pomegranate-y flavour to it. You know what I mean? It's black orange or whatever they call it. It's nice.

I mean, it's weird. I like it and I hate it. It's weird. It's the bitterness that you... It's very sweet and very bitter at the same time. Now, let's play cocktail. I'm going to put a little bit of Campari in. Campari soda.

Right, one part Campari, one part Mr. JD. Oh, my God. And some cherry cream soda or just Campari, soda and JD? I think we'll use the cherry. Yeah, let's have the cherry. Let's put a bit of cherry in. Here we go. Say when. Say when. 8. of cherry in. Here we go. Say when.

Say when. 8.30. Yeah, there we go. It's a nice dark red. It's a nice hue. It's a nice hue. Dark hue. I'm going to call this McSquirter.

I'm going to call this McSquirter. Let's see how we go. Ooh. Is it nice? You have a bit. It's cheeky. It kind of offsets All the worst qualities

Of all the different drinks No But it's a plasticky Plasticky I hate Jack Daniels That's what it is I hate Jack Daniels I got

My mum gave me a big bottle Of it for Christmas She always does Doesn't she? Big bottle of it Is it one with It's own little stand It needs to come with

It's own little stand So you can tip it Does it have it's own little Handle? I don't No it's not that big It's the next to don't. No, it's not that big. It's the next biggest. You know what, Paul?

It's not that big. So I've got to drink it. No, Paul. Actually, it's not that big, actually. No, I like saying that to people. People always say it to me. However, I've also got other booze. People say it to me.

People always say it to me, don't they? I love the bottles, by the way. They always say that to me. How big is it? What do you say? It's not that big, actually. It's not that big, actually. I'm sure it's all right.

Let's have a look. I'm not talking about that. Come on, Christmas party. I want to have a look at it. Fuck you. Come on. I want to have a look at it. If I get it out, it'll be the last thing you ever see.

All right. Yeah. I can do a podcast blind. If I get it out, it'll be the last thing you ever experience in this mortal world. No, it'll kill you. Why? Because it will spring forth like a tide of flesh. What, like some kind of Lovecraftian beast?

Yes, basically. Have you ever seen a wall of dick moving at 100 miles per hour? Wall of dick? A wall of dick is possibly the most terrifying things you've ever conjured. The idea of an oncoming wall of dicks. Yes. It's not just an idea. It's the reality.

Should I dame? So if you drop your pants, a wall of dicks comes out. No, not dicks. One dick. It's a mono-dick-ist-y religion. Okay, well, I don't want to see it then. I don't want to see it. I was going to talk about how I love the bottle shape,

because it looks like a little Bunsen beaker kind of thing. You know what I mean? It's like a very modernist. It's a sort of almost Art Deco or early modernist sort of design. But what about the texture? Tell them about the texture. It's all rippled. It's all pebble dashed almost.

Doesn't that give you... That's really sort of 70s. Do you know what I mean? It's a very 70s grade. There's something very 70s about it. I like it. I'll tell you what it makes a great. It makes a great candle holder.

Because it dribbles down and then it starts to build. And it all becomes very gothic. It's very exciting. I recommend that you can make... Lifehack. Kapari bottles make great candle holders. You've just got to get pissed enough to have as many candles to put in as possible. If you're pissed, you don't want to light a candle, do you?

No. Well, you shouldn't. You shouldn't. Safety tip. When you're pissed, you don't want to light a candle, do you? No. Well, you shouldn't. Shouldn't. Safety tip. When you light a candle, don't be drunk or you'll get yourself into a terrible funk. Only be sober when you've got the flame. That's how you play the candle-making game.

Now, Paul, there's a... You can tell that to your kids this Christmas. You've signed a non-disclosement agreement. Disclosement agreement, yeah. Go on. You've signed a non-disclosement agreement. Disclosement agreement, yeah. Go on. Sign a non-disclosement agreement. I'm disguised as a disclosement agreement. You're disguised as an enclosed displacement agreement.

Yeah. You've signed the NDA, yeah? Yeah. Saying you will not perform any music when Teen Yeti will also be appearing on the bill. I know. That was a poem, though. Like a little...

It sounded like... I've had a word with a lawyer. Oh. We've got an on-site lawyer. I know. That was a poem, though. Like a little... It sounded like... I've had a word with the lawyer. Oh. We've got an on-site lawyer. I am the lawyer, Jimmy Biscuits. I'm here for Christmas. Hello, everybody. Hello, Jimmy.

It's nice to see you. Yeah, good. Now, we've been talking backstage, haven't we? You and Teen Yeti? Yes. About the legal ramifications of... Well, could you tell Paul what the ramifications are of him singing, please? What's going on?

Well, let me tell you. In order to perform tonight, yes, Jimmy, Team Yeti has agreed exclusively that he will only and be the only person to sing in the whole evening. Yes, we know that. And if Paul transgresses this in any shape or form with poetry, with rap, with syncopated

style kind of text, maybe dynamic parameter, whatever that stuff is that Shakespeare does. Oh my god. Diamic pentameter. Diameter pentameter. It's not diamic. What is it? I used to know. Anything like that

and Paul will go to prison for 30 days. Okay. Thank you, Jimmy. I didn't know. Well, okay. Well, what happens then? No. I didn't know the rules, okay, well, what happens then? No. Because I didn't know the rules going in. Well, how are you trying to get on with the podcast, Paul? I've had...

I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Okay, Jimmy. And I'm going to the backstage area to eat grits. Yeah, those aren't grits. Still like them, though. Still eat them. Right. You don't get paid much as a lawyer.

So I'm going go okay next not doing snowball Jimmy seen yeah thank you oh bye Jimmy it's nice to say you know what let's invite all the characters in No, where's... no. Oh, yes, I'm... I'm Squishy Jim, you know. I've done some ploppings. I'll be squashing them in. Remember last Christmas, Squishy Jim? I remember it like it was the other day, my love. Do you remember how many plops you squished?

If I... Let me just look at my little book. What was the date? I believe it was December 24th when we had our Oh yes, here it is. Here it is. Yes. Here it is, madam.

How many plops did we squinch? 20. You're very thorough with me. I am. I'm Squishy Jim, hello.

I'm Madam Lady Plop. Alright, shall we go back to the backstage area for fuck's sake? Let's go hang out with the charming Jimmy Biscuits and of course

Teen Yeti. Be careful. Right, they've gone. Everyone's come to the... See, you said where were the people coming to the party. Oh, there's loads of people coming. There's not loads of people, Paul. Who else is...

No, please. Who else? Listener is a wanker. I'm a precocious child and I'm just coming to say that you're speaking very naughty. It's very similar to Madame Lady Pops. God, I thought it was like Madam Lady Pops. Dick titty.

Oh, come on, fall. I'm doing all the characters for Christmas. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. How the mighty have fallen. I've got more booze. Okay, well, is this cheap eat? Is this cheap eat? I'm starting to feel the effects of this bloody Campari. Yeah, good. You are about four sheets down the wind ways.

What does that even mean? I'm four sheets down the wind ways. I am being tweaked. I'm knuckle deep in Mr. Oink. I've got more booze. Eli, when we think of Christmas, what do we think of when it comes to boozes? I think of Baileys. Yeah, well...

I think they've made me think that by incessantly advertising. What about mulled wine? Or a nice mulled cider? I'd think of mulled wine, or port I think of as well. What other disgusting drink at Christmas? Eggnog. He's reaching! Eggnog!

Oh no! I've got oldie eggnog. I can't do this. Can I just say I can't do this? It's the luxurious and decadent eggnog flavour cream. Full luxurious read. A delicious seasonal drink inspired by festive eggnog. Inspired by festive eggnog.

It's eggnog flavoured cream, so it's probably a Bailey's. It hasn't got eggnog in it. Its alcohol percentage is 12%. So it's like wine. It's not good, but it doesn't have any egg, so it's not... Eggnog flavour cream. A blend of fresh cream, fermented alcohol, with spirit and flavour. Oh, there's no egg in it.

Because with a proper egg, you've got eggnog, innit? You've got to keep it in the fridge. Paul is... What's the half like? Is this cheap now? Yeah, it was about £4, that. £4? Yeah.

Wow. This is utter crap. Come on, was about four pound that. Four pounds. Yeah. Wow. This is utter crap. Come on, love. Have a sniff. It's not too strong. I guess it smells a bit like Bailey's. Yeah. Yeah.

Right, I'm going to... You ready? Clean your glass. Have a little snifter of this. Here we go. I'll be in charge of the quantity. You be your own mum. It looks like spunk.

It does. It's very white. It looks like spunk. It does. It's very white. It's very anemic. That's eggnog style. That is the spunkiest drink I've ever seen. It doesn't look

like Bailey's. Bailey's is browner isn't it? Smells like Cadbury's cream egg. Yeah. It's got a very Now let's have a

little drink of it. Have a drink of it. I'm just going to do a little sip. I need a sip of that as well. Oh don't do that. That's horrible.

Not a full gag, but not a... He had a little mouth judder. Oh, have a little go of that. You're saying no? It's not good. It's not good. Oh, that's very cheap tasting. Oh, dear Lord.

It's like... Oh, that's really bad. It just tastes nasty. It's like... Oh, that's really bad. It just tastes nasty. It's like... It's like... I don't know. I'd rather eat spunk. Would you?

Because I've got some. Have you? Dried. I'm dried. He's finished it. Okay, so... Why is it so nasty, though? It's hard to describe.

Because you get the very sickly sweet hitting you. It's got the texture of the Baileys. It's got that texture to it. Yes, but it's

got this almost orangey kind of aftertaste. The alcohol just comes through and there's no bridge between the sweetness and

the alcohol. It just kind of comes up on you afterwards, the alcohol, like a rude boy. You know what I mean? You have to use the Dr. Pepper. Just use it around and the alcohol. It just kind of comes up on you afterwards, the alcohol, like a rude boy, you know what I mean? I have to use the Dr Pepper. Just use it around and clean up. And I'm mixing Dr Pepper

now with eggnog. Cheap eggnog. So we need, look, it's... What is that? It's eggnog and Dr Pepper. Like you just said! A jibbly-blibbly-blibbly Oh, jibbly. Is it jibbly come back?

It's a jibbly Christmas. Oh, no, this is coming through, Paul. This is just coming through. I think Teen Yeti's in the room. Oh, is Teen Yeti in the premises? He's coming over now, Paul. Oh, here we go. Just warming up. Hello. Oh, hello Teen Yeti. Thank you for coming on Christmas.

Oh, Christmas. Hello, Teen Yeti here. You're just doing a stage. You're just doing a what? A technical run through. I will be performing my song. Yeah. It's Christmas in Yeti land.

Yeah, I love it. Later on. Okay, Paul. Oh, Teen Yeti, hello. Have you done a technical run through have you tested the equipment

I know too because you know I'm lucky to have a venue built into Mount Glopence and I live in Mount Glopence I know

and I've got all poo dried round the fur of my bum you've made that yeah well Eli said that before which is actually it's not something

I'd talk about well if I was someone well hello I'm Paul I've got shit around my bum. You know, you don't really. Listen.

Yeah. Listen. Listen to me. If you had a contract with Charmin, the toilet paper manufacturers, then you have to keep your ass a bit shitty for the shoots. You go for a shoot on the shoot day they go right right teen they say can i call you that yes you can call me teen like my best friend eli just for a moment pause the scene pause the scene eli what are you talking about

i don't know what you're talking about i'm teen yeti come to one side come to one side eli yeah what is it don't like't like Team Yeti. I just want it just outside of the show. I've let you talk for two minutes and there's nothing. There's no comedy. It's just... I mean, I'll let you finish it off. I'm not going to stop.

I'm not going to ruin it, but just think about wrapping it up. I'm Team Yeti and I will not be performing tonight. No, you will. I will not be performing tonight unless there's a change of attitude from certain individuals. Alright, well, we'll get to

I'll go back. I'll go back. I'll give you one more chance, Eli. Just talk to him. Talk to him. Okay, Jeanette. Yes, I will.

I'm sorry, mate. Oh, yes. I'm going off back to Mount Glopplank. Well, out of stunning turn of mate. Oh, yes. I'm going back to Mount Grotplank. Well, that's a stunning turn of events. Now, Paul. Paul.

Yeah. Don't think you should have so clearly. I know. I crossed the line. How'd it go about Tignetti? I crossed the line. I'm sorry. I'm drunk.

I'm sorry, mate. You are. Now, what other cheap eats do we have? Well, I thought we'd take a little break and then we'll come back with the finger food and the snacks for the Christmas dinner. Are we having a break before then? All right, let's talk about fucking music then.

Let's put some music on. Oh, I bought a Chas and Dave... No, a Chas and Dave album was given to us at Christmas. I love that. Now... Are we not having a break then? No, we'll talk about the music. Then we'll have a little break and then I'll get the food out.

Because we need music at this Christmas do. Well, we've got Teen Yeti performing. We do, but we need some background ambient music. What was his song called again? Christmas in Yeti Land. Yes.

Looking forward to it. It sounds magical. Could be the next Frog song. I think he's going for that. Yeah. Wide marketing. Looking forward to it. So, yeah.

So, the reason to bring it up because I've been playing it while we've been here at the party. I've just been playing this song, and it's Chaz and Dave's Christmas album. But you know what's interesting? It's not Christmassy. There's no Christmas songs in it. There isn't a single Christmas song in it. It was given to us at the live show, and it was, you know, because someone went, Ah, Chaz and Dave's, Charity Shop, Vinyl.

Ah, they'll like it. Yeah. But it's good. It's just, I think the feeling is, is that you put it on at a Christmas party. Yeah. It's kind of, you know. It's one They'll like it. Yeah. But it's good. It's just, I think the feeling is, is that you put it on at a Christmas party. Yeah. It's kind of, you know. It's one of those party records.

Yeah. It's just the same beat as Jaunty. Like we've covered before. But in terms of those having a knees up party records that used to come out, it's about as good as it's going to get, isn't it? Well, it's Chaz and Dave. They're fucking great musicians.

Chaz and Dave. They fucking great piano work. There's a kind of funkiness, yeah. Isn't there? There's a sort of, there's a pneumatic sort of bumpiness to the rhythm, of funkiness, yeah, isn't there? There's a sort of, there's a pneumatic sort of bumpiness to the rhythm, which is actually quite cool,

isn't it? It's interesting when you think about it. They're good players. They were session players, weren't they? Session? Were they? Yes.

I didn't know that. You did know that. No, I didn't. They famously played on that Labby Siffrey tune, which was sampled by Eminem for his biggest hit, My Name Is.

Really? You know that thing? That's from Chaz and Dave. That's Chaz and Dave. I'm fucking playing with Labby Siffrin. He stole that Dido

riff as well. Yeah, but it's hip hop. That's what they do. Hey, listen. There'll be no music. Jimmy Biscuits is going to come over with his goons.

Watch this. I hit No, Jimmy. Yeah, and I'm I'm Freddy. I'm I'm with Mr. Biscuit, yeah? This is your character.

Hey, I'm Freddy, yeah? Watch out. Add it to the list. Listen, Mr. Biscuit doesn't like when you get the music and you're doing the music. I'm sorry. So you listen to me. You look at me. I'm sorry, Frankie.

I'm Freddy. Don't get my fucking name wrong now. All right, Freddy. Okay. What's your full name, Freddy? Freddy Goon. Freddy Goon. Freddy full name, Freddy? Freddy Goon. Freddy Goon. Freddy Goon.

I like Freddy Goon. Don't tell me you like me. Just don't sing, okay? And then everything will be okay. All right. Mr. Biscuits, do you want to follow me back to the green room when the man got past green room? I don't mind at all. Let's go back and rewind.

Come on then. And you watch it. I'm watching you. We're drinking campari backstage and i'm not drinking it i'm walking you gotta be on you gotta be i'm working for you i'm working for you man professional i work for you you're a professional i work for you mr biscuits whatever you say but i need to be sober okay i'm going let's go over there well that's exciting stuff isn't it let's just watch out with the singing, Paul, okay?

I will do that. You know, Teen Yeti, it's not something I have a choice about. I have to live in here, yeah? I understand. And he could cause all sorts of trouble up from Mount Grop Pants. Sometimes I lie awake in bed at night looking over at Mount Grop Pants, looking at the little lights all dancing around, and I think, what's going on over there?

What is going on? All the flies buzzing around it. You know. No, but you can see the green fluorescent stench marks. The swamp gas.

The swamp gas. The movement. The way your fabric flutters with cockroachian movement. There we are. Well, you've got the scribbles, don't you?

Yeah, you've got the scribbles. They're eating Here we are. Here we are. you've got the scribbles don't you yeah you've got the scribbles they're eating here we are here we are the Christmas scribble it's a Christmas scribble ladies and gentlemen alright good so

yeah we're going to play some Chas and Dave then we've been playing it throughout the whole show are you playing it I'm going to play it in the background but this interesting thing

is the first one's basically a riff on Stars on 45 but they call it it's a medley it's a medley but it has that thing where they keep the same rhythm beat, whatever, up front, the whole pace of the track.

They're mixed, yeah. But they play it live. They segue perfectly, yeah. Do they play it live and all in one take? Well, I think there are moments where the song stops and then they bring it back and fade in, fade out. They must have edited it. They must be some, like, yeah.

Side one is all of that. It's just a medley. Any old iron. Any old iron. Any old iron. Any, any, any old iron. Or I've been cleaning windows. I've been cleaning windows. Yeah, don't.

Mate, don't be singing. It's hard though, isn't it? Look, I can see Freddie Goon looking over. I know. He's so big as well. He's a huge man. He's attractive. Look, stop.

Maybe I'll go over with Freddie tonight. You can't. I'll ask him if he wants to come back. Don't give me up for that. He was already quite angry with you for singing, you know. All right, okay. Jimmy Biscuits is sold. All right.

Anything else to say about Chaz and Dave? I love them. Yeah, I love them. The B-side is impressive because that's another live set. The funny thing about Chaz and Dave is they were so ubiquitous

in the 80s that people, they were like this sort of byword for naffness, weren't they? Everyone hated them because it was associated with the type of Britain that was dying up,

that kind of earthy, cockney, you know what I mean? They were huge. People sort of resented their popularity. But people forgot that actually they wrote great tunes. Yeah. Played exemplary. He's just like great folk musicians. And when you listen to it back,

and just the fucking boogie woogie they've got going on. It's sweet and the fat bass. Yeah, yeah. It's great. It's great stuff. It's nice. So that's probably one of my favourite easy listening records ever actually

it's in the easy listening would you call it that it's like a party medley I mean they know they've made it as a throw away thing for Christmas but it's still good

but come on compare it to that what was that other one Les Dawson and the Irish no Ross Abbott that's the comparison

that's a party record but oh Bernard Manning Bernard Manning and although there are some dodgy songs on there I've always thought this is a genre we should cover more That's the comparison That's a party record But Oh Bernard Manning Bernard Manning and Yeah Although there are some dodgy songs on there

I've always thought this is a genre we should cover more on the pod So can we do more of those? Yeah There is one song Do you know they're all old standards Like Any Old Die And Laughing Policeman And all that kind of stuff

Laughing Policeman End of the Second World War Yes Musical sort of stuff There's one Because they're old fashioned Cleaning Windows Yeah

There's that song where it's like she's too fat for me yeah I've not known that one she's too fat for me did they make that one up no that's an old standard

it's like an old that one's been dropped from the piano in recent years hasn't it you don't really go around saying she's too fat you have her

not only is it misogynistic treating women as objects but also fat shaming all in one I mean like so that's what our Christmas music's been

what other Christmas songs do you like though I don't think we're talking about this are there any songs written for Christmas that you actually think are good songs

and good Christmas songs very very few yeah I quite like War Is Over I like Slade yeah

I mean it's Christmas I like that is the rumour true that that was like a B-side originally and then it got Slade yeah I mean it's Quint Smith I like that is the rumour true that that was like a B-side originally and then it got

accidentally released or they played it on the radio and then it was like oh it's a big hit now and now every Christmas their bank account goes ka-ching

I also like Wizard yeah but it's because of the music it's because of the actual music as well as the song it's just the way it's rock you know

I like the way it's when was the last original Christmas number one in the UK hit? Because all these days all it is is an X Factor fucking

singer doing an old ballad. But that's because the pop market has completely changed. Pop music of that kind of wide scale pop music doesn't

really exist anymore does it? No. Could you name a song that was like the biggest hit? Could you name the biggest pop hit of this year? Oh, no.

Fuck off. Well, there you go. Yeah, but you could back in the 80s, couldn't you? You could in the 90s. Maybe, yeah. But it's like there's more coming at us now in terms of music and sound and YouTube. I can't keep up. I can't keep up.

I know it is dead. I can't keep up. Pop doesn't exist like that anymore. Pop will eat itself. It has. It has. And now it's taken a shit. And now it's taken a big poo.

Yeah. So it's just going to be endless fucking Pogues. Endless. Forevermore. Because of the versions. The last Christmas song I remember being new and a hit. The Pogues, I'm sick of that. I'm totally sick of that.

I'm sick of that. I'm totally sick of that. And the Wham thing. The Wham again. Bullshit. I'm totally sick of that as well. Bullshit. The Darkness.

What was their one? The Bells Ring Out for Christmas Wasn't that Wizard? No I can't remember the title song But The Bells Oh fuck The Darkness is a crunk song

About bells at Christmas time But I wish it could be Christmas every day He goes The bells ring out For Christmas Oi Sorry

Oi He's coming over here You're going to get us Fucking kicked out of this party He's coming over here We You're going to get us fucking kicked out of this party. He's coming over here. We weren't doing nothing. We were just talking about Christmas songs. Hey, I'm Freddy Kuhn, yeah?

Now listen. I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. It's making me hard. It's making me hard. Freddy, we're going to stop now. We're going to stop talking about Christmas songs. You know what I mean?

Making me hard downstairs, yeah? Hard downstairs. He just wanted to say that. I'm going over there. I'm going back to Jimmy Biscuits. Right, well, on that point, I think we should take a little break. Freddie, can I give you my phone number? I'm already sick of Christmas, Paul. Honestly, I am.

I hate Christmas. I got tea bags for Christmas. I got tea bags for Christmas off my mate. I thought Mikasa Tsukasa was this thing, right, Paul, where we just bought a piece of shit and went, ah, that. I thought we might make a bit of an effort with it being Christmas, that was all. You certainly did.

But, Paul, to be honest, you're into this shit as well, aren't you? I am, but you were jealous of my R, so I've gotten you that. I fucking love it. I'm looking at it now and it just, it makes me, gives me a warm feeling of being around Sesame Street as a child, do you that. I fucking love it. I'm looking at it now and it just, it makes me, gives me a warm feeling of being around Sesame Street

as a child. Do you know what I mean? Hey, I'm Kermit the Frog. No, he, no. Hey, it's Miss Piggy. Oh,

Kermit, Kermit the Frog. Jimmy Biscuits is getting a call. Looks like he's getting a call from the Disney Foundation. Hello, yes. Oh, Disney? Wow. Okay.

Okay, we'll stop. Stop doing fucking Muppets. You've heard him. Alright, we've got to stop doing Muppets. Okay, yeah. Waka, waka, waka. No, Paul, stop it. I'm Gonzo. Paul. I can do all the Muppet voices. Tell me you'd do a Muppet voice. Which one? Ralph the Dog.

Woof. I'm Ralph the Dog. No, he doesn't sound anything like that I'm Ralph the Dog He doesn't sound like that either So you can't So when you said I can do all the Muppet voices You cannot You're ruining my Christmas party

And I said Sesame Street anyway Alright So not the Muppets I'm Grover He doesn't You're doing that voice again Cookie Monster Do you like it?

Paul you're too drunk To do the podcast I'm not too drunk Let's get this over and done with You're going to ruin any comedic I've got food I've got food for the party Now look what I've got

Food for the party Christmas Walkers. Oh, here we go. Right. So, we were talking about these many episodes ago. We should say very clearly from the start, this is not part of the official... League of Snacks and Crisps.

League of Snacks and Crisps. Sleeves of Snacks and Crisps. That's what he said. Sleeve my smacky crisps. Anyway, these are Christmas edition versions of Walker's Crisps. And they are Christmas flavoured snacks. What's the favourite Christmas? What's the favourite Christmas for you, Paul?

Well, for me, oh, it's eggnog. It's not eggnog. Do you have eggnog traditionally? You're just talking without thinking. That's what you're doing. I'll talk without thinking right now. Eli's big dick. Eli's big dick. Oh, Eli's big dick.

Oh, Freudian slip, much? You've gone automatically. This is what happens when you get pissed. You get real sex on for me. Turkey and cranberry and I like cherries, chocolate, orange. I think of that mulled wine smell. Oh, yeah. And like the fucking disgusting taste of fruitcake.

There's Christmas. I gave you my arse. I hate the whole palette of Christmas apart from ham. I like ham. I also like sprouts. But ham is not particularly Christmas, is it? Oh, it is. You're Christmas ham.

Anyway, Walkers have done some Christmas... What do you mean it's not particularly Christmas? Walkers have done a Christmas dinner for sprout lovers package. It's a six pack. Two flavors of Christmas-style snacks. So one is turkey and stuffing flavour. We'll try those. Pigs in blanket flavour.

And infamously, Brussels sprouts flavour. Now, that's the only one that has any real interest to me. Because turkey and stuffing flavour, what's that going to be? It's going to be a slightly more... Chickeny. Yeah, it'll be roast chicken flavour, won't it? With a more oniony sort of maybe. That's my prediction. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be roast chicken flavour, won't it? With more of an onion-y sort of maybe. That's my prediction.

Yeah. It'll be roast chicken with an onion-y, more onion-y. Pigs in blankets, bacon, smoky bacon. Fucking smoky bacon. As an aside,

as an aside, in case you didn't like the Brussels sprouts flavour of these crisps, they brought out another six pack which had no Brussels sprouts but instead it had

like a cheese thing instead in there. I can't remember what it was, but it was an alternate flavour. That's silly. You know, people do people... I think we should save brussel sprouts for last. Yes, we should. Let's watch this. This is... Let's go for the turkey. Alright, let's do

turkey stuffing. Give it a half. I'm opening the bag. What do you think it smells of? Roast chicken flavoured crisps. Have a sniff of that. Yeah. Oh. It's not bad, but it tastes like chicken.

It tastes like roast chicken snacks. There's a slight difference. Is there? To me, it smells like beef crisps, which you know what it sees these days. Oh, I see what you mean. Remember beef flavoured crisps? Yeah. Mixed with a chicken flavoured crisp.

Well, let's have a taste. I'll take a crisp. Here we go. I'm entering the crisp temple. Ah. It does have a turkey flavour. I will say that for it. Really?

Yeah. And you can taste a bit of the stuffing. A bit of that sagey kind of saison onion thing. Now, to me, they just taste very much like a roast chicken flavour. Really? Yeah. I think there's a bit of turkey therey kind of saison onion thing now to me they just taste very much like a roast chicken really I think there's a bit of turkey there hang on

no no no no okay regardless of that is it a nice snack though quite nice yeah quite nice I like them

yeah they're nice walkers you know you're going to get a nice flavoured that is just chicken yeah I told you fucking call it

just call it turkey mate I'm trying not to spit huge flecks of crisp at me sorry just call it turkey stuffing give it chicken flavour

yeah pigs in blankets yeah these mugs these crisp buying public they're cunts it's just fucking bacon

we'll just keep them confused bob them off about the existence or non-existence of cheese moments. We'll just keep them confused about it. Did you hear that tweet? Yeah. Someone saw one in Scotland off the island.

Yeah, but I didn't see any photographs. I didn't see any photographs. And when I said, why didn't you get any? He said, oh, he's running late, so he could. I think it's pooey bullshit. Pooey bullshit. Pooey. Really?

Yeah. Well, he's not going to be happy. I don't care. No, that's right, Paul. Because I think perhaps what happened is he saw one of these backboards that has Cheese Moments still on it. And he got confused. Yeah. Because it did confuse me.

Because Walkers have officially said they've officially released a statement, haven't they, Paul? Yeah. And what does that statement basically say? It basically said, because we don't have it to hand right now, because it's our Christmas party and we've got some time off. Anyway, it says something to the effect of we stopped doing them ages ago.

We might bring them back but don't think about it. Corporate nonsense. We appreciate your feedback. So I think that's really put the... Feedback is. It's put the issue to bed,

isn't it? No one's been able to produce a packet of cheese moments for me. No. It's a unicorn of snacks. I want to see it and I want to see a packet

with a best before date that isn't, you know, two years in the past. 1986. Yeah. It's a unicorn of snacks. I want to see it and I want to see a packet with a best before date that isn't, you know, two years in the past. Yeah. Although I would like to see one which has a bag that is off

because I'd eat those. Yeah. Not fussy. Right, next snack. What would you give it out of five? Three. It's a standard crisp. Three Christmas puddings

out of five. That's good. I like roast chicken flavoured crisps. But am I right as well? You don't see beef flavoured crisps very often these days. No, only Mont-de-Mont, really. Maybe McCoy's.

Yeah. Anyway, pigs and blanket. I'm giving it the old... Give it the huff. Bacon. Bacon. It didn't seem very secure in your utterance of bacon. I mean, give it a sniff. What do you think?

You've got a better nose than me. No, no. You're right. It's not very bacon-y. But there's a bit of sausage there. There's definitely some sausage. You can get a bit of sausage on the end of your nose. I can get a sausage right up my nose. I'm going to taste these now.

Bacon. The half on both of these has been more unusual than the actual taste, if you ask me. Yeah. Again, satisfying flavour. Yeah, they're good crisp. Walker's bacon are good. Smoky bacon are good, aren't they? I sometimes go for them with my meal deal. Good choice.

You know? Get a sandwich. When I'm feeling decadent, I get cheddars. Mini cheddars. You can't go wrong with mini cheddars. Well, you can. I hate them. Here we go.

The one we're all talking about. We haven't done mini cheddars on the League of Snacks, have we? We'll get there. Anyway, here we go. The Brussels sprouts flavoured crisps. Without any further ado, let's open it up. I don't know. What would it be like? What was it going to be like?

Give it a huff. It smells like Brussels sprout farts. Give that a snuff. Ooh. Ooh, I like these. I already like these. Do you? He's giving it a proper snuff.

Oh, there's something slightly gherkin-y about it. Oh, he's reached his tickle point. Oh, mate, and they've got a green... I hope we caught that. Yeah. Anyway, a drogan next door. We've kicked... He's not allowed in the party.

These are green. I have to, I have to shake a few out for you here, Paul. Yeah, they're green. They're tinged. They're tinged. Now that's a bit dodgy.

Yeah. Do you remember when you used to get Golden Wonder cheese and onion flavour and they'd actually have green potatoes in? That weren't, like, Yeah, but I like them.

Right, let's eat them. Oh. They do taste of Brussels sprouts, though. I like those a lot. I like those a lot. Those are nice. There's a bit of cheesy onion to it as well. A little bit. It's quite subtle.

But it's very Brussels sprout-y. You know what they taste like? Brussels sprouts? No, they taste like that crispy seaweed that you get in Chinese restaurants. Oh, yeah. Which is, in fact, cabbage that they've cooked. You know what I mean? Don't they taste a bit like that? Yeah, they're nice. I like restaurants. Oh, yeah. Which is in fact cabbage that they've cooked. You know what I mean? Don't they taste a bit like that?

Yeah, they're nice. I like them. They're good. They're novelty. Yeah. They're a bit farty. I like them. I like those.

That's a flavour of crisp I haven't experienced before. What would you give the pigs and blankets out of five? Another three for me. And what about the Brussels sprouts?

I'll go four on Brussels sprouts. I'm going to say three. Fine, but a novelty. No, you don't think that could I could eat that as a regular it does now that I've eaten

a few it feels like someone's boffed in my gob put their bum hole right in your mouth hole yep anyway

the snacks keep coming good episode Paul what's coming what's coming up mini rolls everyone loves Cadbury's mini rolls everyone loves Cadbury's mini rolls these are the brand

knock off from Holly Lane Holly Lane so they're just mini rolls chocolate sponge with a creamy would you like more Campari

yeah I would can I open it can I have a go watch me yeah be careful because I opened it so vigorously that I spilt some

on my leg it's alright that one's been still for a while yeah at the right angle you're thinking too much about the horizontal like that yeah I know vigorously that I spilt some on my leg. It's alright, that one's been a still for a while. Yeah? At a right angle, you're thinking too much about the horizontal. Like that? Yeah. But even more at a right angle.

Like that? Just straight down. And behind this knuckle. Which knuckle? The actual knuckle, not the other bits. Behind the knuckle, not the fleshy bit, the knuckle. The knuckle. And what are those other bits called? Oh god, you're useless. Watch me. He's done it. Ah, done it.

Right, have some Campari. Ah, Campari. Right. Right. So, good. Next snack. Mini rolls. Oh, do we have to eat those?

Yeah. I don't want one. So, mini rolls are just chocolate sponge with a creamy centre, and it's all swirly in the middle, hence the roll. Cadburys make lovely ones. I don't want one. So a mini roll's just chocolate sponge with a creamy centre and it's all swirly in the middle, hence the roll. Cadbury's make lovely ones. I don't want any. Eat that.

I've fucking bought these now. I've spent 20 quid on all this. Which, you know, on a budget, is quite good, actually. It's a fucking spring. It's a roll. It's shit.

That's going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. Now, it's the knock-off brand. Bullshit. Ah, that's really not very nice at all oh the chocolate's weak oh yeah

do you know what I mean the chocolate has nothing it doesn't taste chocolatey at all just that sweet that is it's that sharp sweetness that you always talk about

that is a bad facsimile of a mini roll really awful it's funny how you get to appreciate like a mini roll when you compare it to no yeah

like a Cadbury's one. This spiky, sugary shit. Yeah, this awful, awful, sharp sugar. It's really bad, isn't it? He's putting it in the bin. It's in the bin already. Those are bad. How much were they?

No, not much. One out of five. A quid for a box of whatever. Is this Cheap Eats, by the way? We didn't do the jingle. Oh, no, actually, we can't do the jingle. No, we can. Jingles are still allowed because they're part of the show.

Good. Thanks. Festive edition. Can you cut that out And put it at the beginning Of this segment Yeah I'll do that I won't And I haven't

Fucking hell Paul Fucking masks are slipping A bit isn't it You twats Try not to fall over Now You've had too much Jack Daniels

Every Christmas There are certain things That are common Around the Christmas tree In the UK A box of quality street A tin of roses You know

And certain snacks What else? What I'm going to say right now Yeah but say another one Before you go to that one Bag of nuts Don't mind if I do Tangerines

Easy peel Stop now Because I said Start again Quality street Quality street Bag of nuts. Ooh, don't mind if I do. Tangerines. Easy peel. Stop now. Because I said... Clementines. Start again. Quality street. Quality street. Ooh.

Bag of nuts. Ten of roses. Ooh. Or perhaps you'd like something like a big bag of nuts. Ooh, don't mind if I do. Lame. So... You cut that bit and put it back in the beginning.

No, I might even just cut this out completely. Because it was shit. Come on. It didn't work. Anyway. Fuck you. If didn't work. Anyway. Fuck you. If there's one thing that you see under a Christmas tree, certainly in my house growing up,

I don't know about your house, but... We were Jewish, Paul. It was popular. Yeah, basically. No, we celebrated Christmas. Yeah, because you were heathens. So you would have a big box of matchmakers. We never had those.

Really? No. They were popular in my house. Orange matchmakers and mint. Mint were the famous ones. But these box of matchmakers. We never had those. Really? No. They were popular in my house. Orange matchmakers and mint. Mint were the famous ones. But these aren't matchmakers. Were they called matchmakers? Yeah.

Was that the actual branded one is called a matchmaker? And they were long. Who makes those, Capri? I don't know, actually. Thorntons? No. It's one of those. Anyway, chocolate.

It's a proper brand, not this. These are made by Choc-er. Where did you get these? Lidl. Lidl. So it's a Lidl knock-off. Little bit knock-off. No, you're singing.

Freely singing. No, that's not. That's a jingle. Little bit knock-off. No, it's not. It is. Who? For Lidl?

Yeah. They can't. Look. They're knocking on our door asking for jingles. Jimmy Driscuit's car phone is really off the hook. What's that? Lidl? What the?

What? Don't do the Liddle shit. They don't need it. Sorry, Jimmy. Sorry, Jimmy. All right. I don't know where Freddy Goon is. Must be in the toilet or something.

Little bit of dip-oo. No. Stop. I love you doing it, though. Why? I'll risk a court case. Because it's funny. Open the minstics.

It's funny when I say, Little, little, little. No, it's not. Who do you mean little? These fucking syllables. These syllables just recur. There's all the little small ones. Are these smaller than you remember them?

Yeah, because they're longer matchmakers. Oh, they're longer, you're right. And these are called mint sticks by Chocolat. So let's just have a little nibble on a mint stick. Oh, they're all right. Not bad. Not bad. The sharp sugariness of the cheap chocolate works better in this context, doesn't it? With the mint. nibble on a mint stick. Oh, they were right. Not bad. Not bad.

The sharp sugariness of the cheap chocolate works better in this context, doesn't it? With the mint. Yeah, with the minty bit. Oh, okay. Much better. Much better than the Hollylands, yeah.

Yeah, because that was not good. That was horrible. Awful. And you couldn't even taste the cream. No, it's... Like a bad Twinkie. It's a bad thing. Mint sticks?

So what? Our conclusion so far is spend some money on your Swiss rolls or whatever. No, if you're on a budget, this is alright, the mint sticks. Oh, they're good, but you want to spend some money on the, what are these called? Choc rolls. Don't get choc rolls. Don't get them.

They're awful. Mini rolls are the cool. I'd eat about seven bags of those Brussels crisps and then go to the loo. And then I'd shit. Wow. Worth it. Paul, what do you mean worth it? What else you got in your sack of goodies?

Another thing under the tree, again on a minty chocolate flavour, is the world famous after eight mint, the Le Fafir Mint. Which was sold initially as a sort of yuppie product, you know, sophisticated, but that got very ironically,

sort of, very quick. It was like Vionetta in the 80s. Like, ooh, Vionetta, you're posh.

And now it's like, oh, 90p, mate. You know what I mean? So, I love my After 8 Mints. I quite like it.

I like the little design, the little clock in the middle with the thing. Yeah, yeah. It's like, after you've eaten your meal, sir, we'll give you a think that's to uh and did you know because of the meaning of life by monty python yeah where he's the mr creosote scene yeah he tries to feed

him a wafer mint the actual pronunciation of the word wafer yeah is changing because of that film so more people are saying wafer because they've that's the only time they've come across that so they think because everyone says wafer the thing, whenever you say, you know what I mean? When that's mentioned, because they've all seen the film, people actually, children are starting to think that's how you say wafer. That's depressing.

It's weird. No, just language is constantly mutating like that, isn't it? We are going to try these knockoffs called Mint Thins. Buy again. Same company. Chocure. They're not a real company. Dark chocolate with a peppermint flavoured fondant filling. They're a brand that has been invented

by Lidl. They're not going to be available anywhere else, are they, apart from Lidl? Now, what are their sleeves like? They're little sleeves, just like the... That's the class, though, of the after eight. The little wet sleeves they put in little bit of

wastage yeah it's waste it's horrible fucking waste for what these have no design on them they've got the

they've got the chocker they've got a ripple have they got chock no they don't they just have a oh actually on the actual wafer itself

no nothing on the wafer itself let's have a little bite they're a bit thicker than an After 8 well they feel it No, nothing on the wafer itself. Let's have a little bite. They're a bit thicker than an after eight. They taste a bit coconutty. Yeah, you're right.

Maybe they've got coconut in them. No. Let me see. I think they're all right for knock-offs. Again, it's that sharpness. There's not enough chocolate taste. No, it's a lot of sugar. Dark chocolate, 51%. Yeah. Cocoa,

sugar, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Peppermint flavour, fondant filling. Glucose, gelling agent. No. No coconut, but perhaps it's that gelling agent and stuff that I'm tasting and it reminds me of a bounty because it's got that in it as well. It has something in the fondant. It's got something.

It tastes like confectionery-style coconut. Yeah. Like a mound. We had mounds on this show, didn't we? Eli knows his creamy fillings in his mouth. He knows the difference. Why is that, Paul? Why is that, though?

I don't know. What is it about me personally that makes me like that? Because you've got a good tongue for cream. Yeah. Good. All right. Thank you. I'm actually really drunk. I know, man. Yeah Good I'll just Alright thank you I'm actually really drunk I know man

Let's just get this over with I'm at that point now Where the room is moving Even though I'm still That's not good Paul You're lightweight as well That's the only other problem When was the last time

You had a drink You've been boozing it up With your new girlfriend Haven't you Who's not so new anymore No I don't mean she's old. I meant she's not so new to you.

Where's your girlfriend? I don't have one. Merry Christmas. Come on. I've got a load of food, but we've got too much. What do you want to do? I'll let you talk. I'll show you what we've got left, and you can just pick one that we eat.

I want to eat them all. Why can't we have them all? We've got stackers. They look like knock-off what we eat. All right. I want to eat them all. Why can't we have them all? We've got stackers. They look like knock-off Pringles. Barbecue. Original. Sour cream and onion. We've got...

A mince pie. I don't like mince pies. I don't like them. Right, well, that's that sorted. I've got a little Christmas cake. Oh, I hate, oh that's so grim there. I've also got a Christmas cake. Mini marzipan topped.

Those do not appeal to me at all. Have you got anything else? No, that's it. Let's try the Pringles. Let's try the Pringles. Try the knock off Pringles. Yeah, fine. Pringles. Try the knock-off Pringles. Yeah. Fine.

I'll eat those cakes later. You will. I don't want them to go to waste, Paul. No. You'll have those mince pies? Oh. Paul. Oh.

Paul. Oh. Paul. Feeling hot, hot, hot. Let's just try it. Shh. Don't sing. Don't sing. Now he's talking to himself. I'm talking to me. All right. You all right, Paul, hot. Let's just try it. Shh, don't sing. Don't sing. Now he's talking to himself.

I'm talking to me. All right. You all right, Paul? Yeah. What should we do? I've got stackers. Where's the... You've got three, but there's only two here.

I've got original. I've got barbecue. Shush. What else have we got? Paul. Oh, there they are. Now I've got them. Pass the fake Pringles over.

What are they called? Stackers by Snack Right. Which is another stupid name. Snack Right. Again, I think Oldie owned this or Lidl. Where did you get this? All from Lidl, didn't you get it? All from Lidl or all from Oldie.

I got them all from one place, so it's all from one of them. You don't remember which supermarket you were in? No. I don't. Do supermarket you were in? No. I don't. Do you remember anything? This is your life. You're meant to be experiencing it from moment to moment.

I tune in and out of my own life. I know you do. Even when you're making a podcast. I don't know. I'm not part of it. You are. Right, Paul.

I don't know what's happened to you. I know what's happened to you I know what's happened to you but I've had a little bit of Campari Yeah, don't do it Don't do this one, please Don't do this one Had a little

Do you want some more farty crisps? You can have some farty crisps I like those They're alright I like them You can have the farty crisps Open the stackers Well, they're like Pringles

but they're knock-offs SnackRite did the infamous Hula Hoop knockoffs That made all the newspapers Saying they were indistinguishable From the original Hula Hoop But actually Well in terms of the design

And the flavour They were exactly like Hula Hoops We were able to distinguish Yeah But we did agree as well That they were Fine Totally great alternative

To Hula Hoops on a budget But you could tell the difference So let's just see how stackers stack up. No, don't. I've still got it even though I'm tipsy. I know. It's hilarious. You've still got it.

Paul, I'm so glad you're here. I hope we do slow dancing. I hope Teen Yeti does a slow song at the end and we can slow dance. Well, it's his new song. It's going to be a big Christmas hit. It's his debut. Anyway, what would you like. Well, it's his new song and it's his... It's going to be a big Christmas hit. It's his debut. Anyway, what would you like to do?

It's his Christmas song debut. He's had other hits, obviously. Pringles aren't potato crisps, are they, strictly speaking? They are reformed potato mash and they're made of injection moulded potato. That's weird, isn't it?

Well, discos are the same thing, aren't they? Yeah, that's true. And I like a disco. I like a disco. And so is a square crisp. These are all based on just the way they make monster munch, but out of mashed corn.

I guess. You know, if you're objecting to that, it's like... It's just like Biffo. Mr. Biffo hates the texture of Pringles. Some people do, yeah. Because he thinks they're fake snacks. But I bet he happily guzzles down a spaced invader or space raider. He likes those, exactly.

He's a fucking two-faced liar. Isn't he? No, biffer. Making me... You know what he made me do for Digitizer? What? Fucking drop prawn juice on my face. He did, I saw that.

Fucking laughing at me as a baby thing. Making me sniff dirty rings. And you sniffed them. I sniffed them. You sniffed them. They're nasty. Military made. They're made for military things.

So they get used to... Like, you know, like, people who might be around a lot of death or nastiness. What? It's for training people for the smell of death? Like the army. So, like, yeah, of course. Because, you know, your army soldiers used to go in and be like, ugh, when there's, like,

corpses everywhere rotting in the sun. So, they go and make them sniff it so they can get used to it. Like bin men, I guess, who have to get used to Merry Christmas. They don't train bin men with, like with bin juice sniffing sessions, do they? Hey, we're doing some testing down at the fucking bin shop today. Sniff this. It's me cock. I don't think that's on the test, sir.

Oh, but the cheese has got such a lovely flavour. It's very camembert-like. Ooh, the cheese off the end of my dick. Anyway, let's just start with sour cream and onion, because I fucking hate that flavour, so let's get it out of my dick. Now, Mary. Anyway, let's just start with sour cream and onion because I fucking hate that flavour

so let's get it out of the way. Now, again, they're just like Pringles, ladies and gentlemen. You hate sour cream and chive flavour? No. Yeah. Oh, they're smaller a little bit but they have the exact same shape.

Paraboloid. They are slightly smaller, aren't they? Paraboloid. Do you know why I know that? Why do you know that? Because in Ghostbusters, Holtzman's eaten them at the beginning of the film and he goes, you can't get enough of these salty paraboloids or something Do you know why I know that? Why do you know that? Because in Ghostbusters, Holtzman's eaten them at the beginning of the film

and she goes, you can't get enough of these salty paraboloids or something. So that's how I know these are shaped. The original Ghostbusters? No, the 2016 one.

Oh, right. Yeah, Holtzman. She eats one, she goes, these salty paraboloids. It's a paraboloid. So that's the... Probably.

Topology, I think they call it. Study of surfaces. Paraboloid. Let's eat them. They've got a harder texture. Yeah, they are a little bit tighter and I like that. Itaboloid. Let's eat them. They've got a harder texture. Yeah, they are a little bit harder, and I like that. It's more crunch. I wouldn't say it's more crunch. It's just a different type of crunch.

They haven't managed to replicate the texture, have they? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's alright. I mean, I don't like cheese and chive, though, as a flavour. They're fine. Fine, just fine. Alright, next one. Barbecue. Now now when people say barbecue what does that say to you

because it seems like a weird thing today what does it say to me when people say barbecue as in flavour I think it's quite clear what it means Paul then explain to me

you fucking cunt you're fucking rude lucky game me like fucking and Rob's on the weakest link which we'll be playing on an upcoming episode We've got it coming

The best moment Of the pod so far Tonight for me Paul Yeah Is when you said I don't even think About anything I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just

I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just Dick. That was the first three words out of your mouth. Right, so. All three wrong. Barbecue refers to a style of sauce from the Americas. And what's that, though? Not Americas, from America. Yeah, but what's that, though? Especially when it's BBQ. Yeah, which is what it is on here.

But what does that even mean? It depends what region of the States you're from. But generally, it's sugar or molasses, chilli and tomato, isn't it? And vinegar in different combinations of those. All right, well, cayenne. You know. Cayenne? Smoked.

It's a smoked. You're not another character from Superman. It's a smoked flavour. Can we agree with that? He's shrugging. Oh. That's not... Smells like a kind of British calf.

That's very weak. Very weak flavour. It's a strange smell. It's not very good. It just hasn't got the amplitude you'd need. There he says it. It's just poking out. It's like a dirty sock. Well, let's try it. Those are not nice. Oh, they are not nice. And also, it tastes more like Chinese ribs. Yeah. It's sweet.

They've gone for the sweetness. Very sweet. That doesn't even taste like I thought it was going to taste. No. There's some heat there. It's a bit porky as well, isn't it? Not too bad. Really?

If I was going to pick out those two, I'd go for the chives. Yeah. And what's our last one? Original. This is salt and vinegar. Salt and... Ready salted. Oh, yeah.

Ready salted. A nice plain end. I think we should have started with that as a palate cleanser in neutral. I mean, it smells like... Smells like crisps. Smells like crisps. I'll have one of these. Oh, you dropped your...

Your stackers. Yeah. Slightly more creamy flavour. Perfectly good. How much cheaper are those than Pringles? A lot. I think they're like 80p. And how much would a tube of Pringles cost, do you think?

Close to £2 some places. Really? Yeah. You always go and see, oh, half price is like £1.50. And you think, really? Yeah. Fuck off, Pringles. They sell those half pots as well now, don't they?

For 50p? Yeah. No, they're like one quid, the half pots. Fuck off, Pringles. They sell those half pots as well now, don't they? For 50p. Yeah. No, they're like one quid, the half pots. Fuck off, Pringles. I like those extreme ones. I've not had them. You've never had Pringles Extreme? No.

They go for like a more chilli, cheesy sort of, yeah. But also, the other thing to be said is that I would have those and pay less. That's a real savoury you could make on staffers, don't you think? Yeah, I think so. I'd eat those ready salted just as happily as I'd eat some Pringles. What the fuck? Nice neutral snack. What the fuck? Yeah, fine. But, two out of five,

two out of five, three out of five. Right, he's pointed at the two flavoured ones for the two out of five score and the ready salted gets three. Gets more for you. What about you? I'd probably go three out of five for the chive and I like that flavour. Didn't like the barbecue, too.

And, you know, we've got a lot in common, too. What do you mean? Me and you. We should hang out more. Outside the show. Outside of work. I don't think we should. We should hang out more.

I don't like to. Do you like going to pop concerts? Well, it's funny you should say that, Paul. Yeah. Because at the end of the show, we've got an exclusive with Teen Yeti. I can't wait. This is great.

He's coming out here. This has actually been, you know, on reflection, this Christmas too, on reflection, this has actually turned out to be fucking awful. Oh, Paul, he turned it around. What a lovely bit of comic wordplay. Not. I'm going to have a fight with someone. Oh, don't.

About time, in this time of night where you turn on someone in your office and you give them a piece of your mind after a year of pointing up with their bullshit. Eli. Okay, guys. Yeah, it's Freddie here. Okay, now, I hate to interrupt you, but Mr. Biscuit has asked me to come over here and just say

you've got to quiet down now. We've got something very special happening. Can you fucking tell Jimmy Biscuit has asked me to come over here and just say you've got to quiet down now. We've got something very special happening. Can you fucking tell Jimmy Biscuit and that cunt Yelly? Excuse me, my friend. Excuse me, my friend. Can you fucking tell? You tell him what? Now you're making me hard in the downstairs again. Is that your catchphrase now? Is that the one you've gone with with this character?

You're making me hard downstairs. Is that generally what it is now? I just want to get clarification so I can give you a better lead. Now, you listen to me, my friend. You will not be asking the creator of me what the catchphrase is. Okay.

I am Freddy Goon. Yeah. I'm telling you, you've got to pipe down. Yeah. You've got to pipe down out here. Right, well, there we go. Everyone calm down now. Grab a drink.

I'm going to pour myself a drink. I'm going to have another, Jay. We're having it. Right, I can't wait. Everyone calm down now. Grab a drink. I'm going to pour myself a drink. I'm going to have another, Jay. I'm having it. Right, I can't wait. The big finale now to the Christmas party. Wait, I'm not going to drink yet. I'm at the bar. I'm at the bar at the party.

Thank you. Hello, can I buy a quick drink, please? Yes, what would you like? Yeah, it is Adolf... It's Adolf... Mason, yeah, it's good. Yeah, hey, buddy, whatever you like. What do you want to drink?

Oh, Paul, can you get me a drink, please, while you're there? Yeah, what do you want, mate? I'll just get us a beer. All right, okay. So, Paul, can I get a Jack Daniels and Dr Pepper, please? And can I get just a beer, please? Yeah, for sure, buddy. Whatever you fucking want.

It's a groovy place. You know you like it, Squire. Let's have a good time. I'm pouring us a drink. Hi, Paul, did you get me my beer? He's pouring it now. Buddy, calm down. Calm down, buddy. I'm just pouring it. Adolf Manson. Yeah, that's right, my friend.

Why are you working here, man? I'm just chilling, dog. Okay. It's good, you know, buddy. It's good. I'm just serving the drinks. You're chilling? Why? Why do you need money? I work all the time, buddy. I got to keep the movie groovy so you know it. Here we go.

Pour in the drink. Pour in the beer. Hey, bud. There you go, my friend. All right, thanks very much. It's good. It's groovy time. It's good to see you, Adolf.

Yeah, it's good. I just go back to cleaning his bar now. You know, whatever. Chill out, buddy. It's cool. I think Mr. Tignet is ready to sing his song. He's totally fly, boy. I like his style.

All right, see you later. I love this character, by the way. I love him. Yeah, well, you'd be alone there. Alone. Alone. Here you go, Paul.

Thank you very much, Adolf. You're a very good character. It's time for the one, the only, the only, listen everybody, it's Teen Yeti. Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen for coming. I just want to welcome want to welcome you to

the foot of Mount Gopants for this exclusive show for me I'm too energetic and I just want to say I love my fans I love my fans I love my fans I also love God I love God

So take it away a one, a two So I love God. I love God. So, take it away. A one, a two, a one, a two, a three, four,

it's Christmas. Ooh. Oh yeah. In Mount Godfrey. Oh yeah. It's Christmas. In a yeti land. Get your cock out. It's Christmas. a yatterland. Get your cock out.

It's Christmas. Show us your cock. In Mount Gopens. And you have got to understand. Ow, take it away. Get your abominable stoma out. It's Christmas in Mount Gopens. Oh, it's Christmas.

Here it is. And I've got all poo dried around my bum in the fur. Thank you very much. Go back. Thank you. I'm leaving now. Goodbye. Thank you.

Love you. Bye. Boo. Jimmy Biscuits. I'll have Jimmy Biscuits' head for this. Hey, buddy, don't you blame me. You were out there. You listen to me. You listen to me, Jimmy Biscuits I'll have Jimmy Biscuits head for this Hey buddy don't you blame me You listen to me You assured me

It would be a big attendance There were just two cunts You bombed out there You let it go over your head And your arrogance I'm going to drop you The record deals off the movie deals off It's all over for you You're back where you came from Mount Grappan right there

I'm gonna see buddy. I prefer work in this town again. I prefer me down You let Paul in your little Eli down and I can't tell you Yo, calm down buddy, it's not too bad let give Jimmy Yeah, Jimmy Freddie. Yeah, I just we gotta go we gotta get in the limo. Yeah, we gotta go, boss. Okay. Now, I'm just gonna go. I'm gonna rub myself. Yeah, he's hard to get downstairs.

Are you hard to get downstairs, yo? Yeah. Who's this German freak? I'm hard downstairs. How do you know that? Hey, buddy, I just work behind the bar. I'm just cool, Daniel. Let's bring this to a fucking close.

I'm putting Jimmy Biscuits and this German guy who I'm gonna buttfuck later. Oh, my God. Right, good, right. Nice, Eli. Good. Let's end'm gonna buttfuck later. Oh my god, Ray Blue Grace. Nice, Eli. Good, let's end with that because that's appropriate. Let's end with just a bit more gay panic humour. That's great. It's fine.

It's a loving relationship. Is it? Yeah. Is it? Yeah, it sounds like it. What, will you ruin the Christmas party again? Have you? I've ruined it.

I think we need to bring this to a close very quickly. I was disappointed, I have to say, in Teen Yetis. I thought we were going to have a nice dance and I can't. Let's just stop the doing this now. What are we going to do? This is all. I've got to drink. I've got to drink. I know you've been drinking too much and that's that.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been listening to the Christmas do Christmas cheap show party. Mate, Paul, you really need to fucking go home. I'm Paul Gannon. I'm Eli Silverman. Thanks for listening. Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas.

This is the episode that, because it's a Christmas one, people listen to it once, but they don't go back to it throughout the rest of the year, because it's weird. It's period, isn't it? You don't like them. It's a period. It's like, don't like them. You don't like periods. Okay, Miss Ojo humour.

Talk about gay panic. You just said, it's a period, don't like them. Don't, it's time to, don't like period okay Miss Ojo humour talk about gay panic you just said it's a period don't like them don't it's time to don't attack me no

I don't want to end it like this I don't want to end it like this we're not going to have a fight just leave the room leave the house of pickles go past Mount Gropp pants I'm sorry mate I'm sorry

stop you had a tough few days. Do you want to tell everyone about when your house flooded before you were going to leave it? I think you should. I fell out an attic. You fell out an attic.

I did. So Paul was about to leave to return from his family home where he'd been visiting his parents and the water tank was flooding through the house down into the kitchen. And you had to leave how soon

before you had to leave? Oh, it's a long story. Basically, I fell out the attic. That's all you need to know. You fell out the attic that was flooding 20 minutes before you had to catch a coach. I saved me and mum's house from flooding out. Well done. But now I ache and I'm drunk and I'm sorry.

Okay, let's finish. I'm sorry I hit you. It's okay. I'm sorry that Tigni Had it's moments tonight He let himself down He totally did It was mobbed up The whole involvement of Jimmy Biscuits

He's that goon guy He's a real goon He's hard downstairs That's the best part of that character Could have gone anywhere with it It's the only part of that character He's going to have sex But he could be a whole relationship with him best part of that character isn't it could have gone anywhere with it it's the only part of that character it's not even that he's going to have

sex now but he could be a whole relationship with him and there's pictures of this episode on the podcast no there's a podcast on the podcast

there's a podcast with pictures no we've taken pictures of the stuff we've eaten tonight it'll be on our website thecheapshow.co.uk it's great

isn't it funny when podcasts are drunk drunk podcast drunk history oh it's funny isn't it it's bitter aren't you it's. Isn't it funny when podcasts are drunk? Drunk podcast. Drunk history. Oh, Paul. It's funny, isn't it? You're bitter, aren't you? It's funny, isn't it?

I don't think it's funny at all. Drunk comedy. Do you know what's not funny when it's drunk? Me. Paul Gammon. Me. Yes, you. You're not funny when you're drunk.

He's having another drink. He's gargling with it. Eli, tonight you had a chance to go home with a princess. he's having another drink he's gargling with it Eli tonight you had a chance to go home with a princess and you've blown it I've kissed a frog and I'm going home alone

you can have it all you can have the best Christmas of your life and I'm going I'm leaving you it's over okay I'm done

I'm quitting the show can you please can we just do the house working I'm quitting the show Merry Christmas bye I'm done tell I'm quitting the show. Please, can we just do the housework? I'm quitting the show. Merry Christmas. Bye, I'm done. Tell me you love me.

Tell me you love me and I'll come back. Don't look at me like that. Tell me you need me and I'll come back to the show. I'm not going to say that. I'm quitting the show. Can we just do the end? Right. I'll just do it. Ladies and gentlemen, you saw Eli throw away Cheap Show just then.

Merry Christmas. He ruined it. Shut up. Come on ruined it. Shut up. Come on, buddy. Shut up. Come on, love. I'm not going to say it. Tell me you need me and I'll come back. I need you. I'll come back.

That was Cheap Show. Our Christmas party episode. I shouldn't have been drinking. You shouldn't have been. www.thecheapshow.co.uk And you're on Twitter as? At the Paul Gannon, no, at Paul Gannon Show, at the Cheap Show Pod. And Eli is? Eli Snowid.

E-L-I-S-N-I-O-D. That's the Twitter handle for little old me. Oh, this is a better song now. E-L-I-S-N-I-O-D. Hey, the contract still stands. Sorry. The contract still stands to the end of the episode. That's what it is, buddy.

He's just shouted out his limo at me. It's been circling around. We can't mess with the contract. Ladies and gentlemen, no matter what you do or where you are this year for Christmas, we hope you generally have a lovely one. And, you know, sometimes you can't have the perfect Christmas

and sometimes people have it tough. But the important thing is, if you can't have the perfect Christmas. And sometimes people have it tough. But the important thing is, if you can, snatch those little moments. Snatch those little moments. But also, just in summary, don't get the eggnog flavour cream. Don't do that. From Lidl, is it? Because it tastes like spicy spunk. Don't get that.

What did you think of Virgil's cherry? That was nice, actually. I liked it a lot. Oh, the drink is good. Oh, I'm getting a whiff off those Brussels. Don't get that. What did you think of Virgil's cherry? That was nice. I liked it a lot. Oh, the drink is good. Oh, I'm getting a whiff off those Brussels. Don't drink. Brussels sprout crisps. They're fucking really good.

Drink responsibly. Why don't you like these Brussels sprout crisps? I think they're fine. They're just amazing. I think they're amazing. There's some mistletoe. Do you want a kiss? No.

Well, like every Christmas party I've ever been to I'm going home alone Can we What? Press the Press stop What if I don't want it?

What if I want Christmas to last forever? You're going to miss your train It's ten past ten I'm going to go then Ladies and gentlemen That's been Cheap Show this Christmas. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Have a lovely Christmas, everyone. Take care and we love you. You're all amazing. And if you can't have Christmas in your heart. Oh, God, stop. Why can't you just stop? Why can't you just make an end to it? Make an end to the podcast.

Goodbye. I'm going to press the button. All Alright, goodbye then. Press it. Where is it? That one, I'll press it. Don't say anything else you fucker! Don't! Eli's a nonce! You were here before I couldn't look you in the eyes You float like a feather Yet your tears make me cry And I want you to notice Yet your tears make me cry And I want you to notice

When I'm around That I wish you were special Oh so very special Cos I'm a creep I'm a wheeler What the heck am I doing here? Oh, I don't belong here I don't care that you hurt me

I'm a topper I wanna have control I'm a topper I love a perfect body And a matching soul And I don't love you to notice When I turn around That I wish you were special

Oh, so badly special And as I'm occurring Oh, I don't really know What I think I do in here Oh, I don't belong here. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk.

I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. I love to talk. Ba-da-ba-ba, ba-da-ba-ba, ba-da-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Whatever you have, whatever you need Unless you were special, oh, so badly special Cause I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the heck am I doing here? Oh, I don't belong here, oh, I don't belong here. Out of the law Thank you.