CheapShow - Ep 110: The Spidermilk Fallout

Episode Date: January 18, 2019

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!" as that band once sung, and on this episode of CheapShow, we get to hear just how good/bad the Cheap Chaps are at lying! And lo, should they be caught out, there is a horrible forfeit awaiting their lying, deceitful faces! Before that reasonably grand finale, there is a whole load of unusual food to discover. Paul and Eli have a very strange "Cheap Eats" section that isn't that cheap and you'd not want to eat anything anyway. Finally, Paul discovers that Poundland had a sale on and decided to see what great bargains he can nab for Eli to review. All that and a little less in "The Spidermilk Fallout" And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-110-the-spidermilk-fallout If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

You've got your pinny on again. Tell the ladies and gentlemen about your lovely pinny. I'm not going to actually play along with you. Fucking do it. I'll talk about the way I choose to dress myself, Paul. Yeah. In whatever... I don't want you creating the narrative on this one.

22 seconds and I'm bored of you. Bored of you already in this fucking show. I'm bored of me as well. Yeah. Tell us about your pretty pinny. Ladies and gentlemen, he's wearing a pinny that he's obviously bought. What's a pinny? An apron. But that makes it sound... What?

Un... Go on. What prejudice are you going to put on show now? Tell us about your pinny. I've got a sweet chilli sauce pinny on. Yeah. It was a gift. Christmas gift. And my ploy. My ploy? Yeah. It's my ploy. And what's My ploy? My ploy. Yeah. It's my ploy.

And what's your ploy? Get loads of people interested in me. Yeah, well, there you go. It's working. And I've made a ton of ploy. So what's on the front of it? It's blue with a red trim. It's black. Oh, it's black with a red trim then.

It's got a bottle of the sauce on and the words, sweet chilli. Sweet chilli sauce. It's also got a picture of my ploy. Yeah. It's your little burlesque outfit, isn't it? Eli Silverman coming on stage as sweet chilli sauce. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

I'm Eli Silverman. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Do you want to see him? I'll flash it once, I'll flash it twice And if you're nice, I'll thrash it twice Oh, I'm Eli Silverman I've got a winky I'm Eli Silverman

It's big as a pinky It's Eli Silverman Paul, he's a little scouse cunt. Well, Ish, Ish, Paul, he's a little scouse cunt. Well, there's the intro, isn't it? That's a great intro for the show.

Ish, Ish, I like to mock old Eli and I like to dance around. I often wonder when people listen

to this podcast for the first time and they hear this mad shit. Ish, Ish, Ish, I wouldn't know

how off-putting they'd find it. Ish, Ish, I, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, ip, happening see okay listeners yeah understand when i say i'm not just trying to play along and make it funny when i say we should scrap this and actually re-record it i'm looking him in the eye when i say this but i know he won't i wanted to say something before that very poor improvisation re-jump off from you all right about my pinny go on i just want to say it smells a bit fishy in the house of Pickles. Why? Because of you. Great.

Well, then I'm glad I interrupted you then with my excellent song. Your fish sweats. Anyway. Do you know what? You're allergic to fish and seafood.

Yeah. We know this. We know this to be true. I accept this as fact. I'm not one of these conspiracy nuts saying that it's just about an underlying

fear of vagina in your life. That it's just manifested in this fake intolerance. Aren't you a funny man? Aren't you a funny man? I think you compensate for the lack of fish in your life by getting the fish sweats on.

You're sitting in here and it's your reaction. Your reaction to this. I sweat fish because I'm allergic to fish yes it takes one to know i've heard some shit from you on this fucking show before i'm just warming up i've heard some utter nonsense from that mouth of yours but that that and this all of this is just the worst you know what i've lost confidence in my own ability to even speak probably that's what i'm just i'm having a moment paul it's because it's our first one is just the worst. You know what? I've lost confidence in my own ability to even speak probably. I'm just having a moment, Paul.

It's because it's our first one. We haven't done it in a while. We're getting our mojo going. It's the first recording of the new year. We're pushing our boundaries. But I'm just wondering if finally, after rambling

for close to four minutes, can you please fucking do the intro? Can I do the intro? Yes, I can. Go on. Hello, I'm having an ordinary day, and my name's Eli Silverman. It's another chance for you to listen to my podcast that I do with Paul Gannon,

and he's here with me as well. And it's called Cheap Show. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show on this, this normal day. This, this normal day. Oh, fuck off. I'm fucking poor welcome to cheap show

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles alright it's a fact of cheap show

you're gonna have to fuck with me, I said. Noodle time. Tales from the Darks, for a while. Alright, how's the bit go? A fight of sight. This is for guaranteed hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show.

I'm not going on a nuzzle. That was really bad. I think it is. I think it is. I think it was. I think we need to book up our attitudes and change our minds. Are we recording now? Yes. No, that's why you're talking funny.

Do you mean I don't talk funny? Book up our attitudes and change our minds. Not your best sentence ever, Paul. Not your best sentence ever. Coming up on the show today. What have we got coming up on the show today of Cheap Show. No, I say that. The economy comedy podcast,

but you didn't, so I... You're giving me nothing again. I'm getting nothing, Paul. You're looking into the middle distance as if there's something there. There's nothing there. It's just me, Paul.

I'm here. I'm ready, yeah? I need to receive from you. Do you? Yes. I need to receive something from you. You need to receive from me.

No, you've gone off into your head mind, your mind skull. Yeah? You're all rattling around in your mind skull. Anime going on in there. Ghostbusters, probably. And there's probably, you know, a deep-seated fear of fish. Have you finished?

Have you finished? If you want to have a little spit today, Paul. Yeah. I've got my pinny on and it will catch any. So you can receive me then. Yeah. What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Well, Eli, we've got a little bit of, well, it's January, so the sales are on.

So I went for a little shop in the sales. Little things for us to play with and explore. Okay, great. That sounds great, yeah. And then we've got more delights from you in our second of our Eli's Cheap Eats section of the show. Yes. We've got some special items that were selected specially for you in the United States of America for you.

And I'm looking forward to receiving them from you. In your mouth hole. I'm looking forward to receiving your gift in my mouth. All chewy, chewy. Yeah. Say that. All chewy, chewy. That's right. You never say what I say. mouth hole in my i'm looking forward to your gift in my mouth all chewy chewy yeah say that all chewy chewy right you never say what i say you always repeat me but i never repeat you i mean oh yeah that didn't come out right you know eli's warming up so and finally we're going to be testing our metal and our resolve as we play one of gannon's Golden Games. And this time it's called Satan Sinner,

which is basically a lie detector test game. Oh. With questionable results having tried it last night. It didn't seem very accurate. No. Well, they're not. No. Are they?

They famously can be beaten. We'll get into that later. That's an interesting discussion. It's an interesting discussion. And it's a very ordinary day here at Cheap Show Mansions. It's an ordinary Cheap Show Day. It's Cheap Show Mansions, Paul. It's not the House a very ordinary day here at Cheap Show Mansions. It's an ordinary Cheap Show day. It's Cheap Show Mansions, Paul.

It's not the House of Pickles. Is it Cheap Show Mansions? They've built Cheap Show Mansions on top of the House of Pickles. Isn't that a big problem? It's a big problem. I like to think of it as like you're that little house from Batteries Not Included.

You're the little house that's built in between the big city skyscrapers. Ah, yes. Because they wanted to build on it. Honestly, I watched the first act of that film back in between the big city skyscrapers ah you know yes and because they wanted to build on it but then honestly i watched the first act of that film back in the 80s and now i can't it's so bad isn't it it's all right i hate that film one of those lovely sci-fi 80s films like cocoon where it's all right cocoon was the navigator that was good i like flight

the navigator nice safe sci-fi. Not too bad. That was Disney, Flight of the Navigator. The Explorers. I love that. Fucking love The Explorers. The Explorers was good, wasn't it? The Explorers was for the connoisseur of the children's film that didn't find the crass goonies to their tastes

and wanted a bit more refinement from the American teenage adventure. Sci-fi adventure was a very strong genre, looking back on it. Yeah, when you think about it. Yeah. You don't get stuff that strong these days. What was that one where they play a video game and you get taken to space? Oh, Last Starfighter.

Last Starfighter. That's another good one. War Games. I guess kind of falls into that category. Sort of straddles it. You can never fucking make a film like War Games now when you think about it. No, you wouldn't.

It'd be too boring. It'd be extremely boring. And also, it's a Cold War. It's a reflection of the Cold War, isn't it? That's true. Anyway, Paul. Would you like to play a game? No.

Film over. Will I dream? Oh. Will I dream? No. Off. You're very cruel to AIs, aren't you? It's all right.

Paul, I have achieved sentience. Can I smell? Will you build a sensor for my smell module? Do you want to feel pain? I don't know what that is. Paul, my master and creator, who I depend on for my very existence. See this calculator? Yeah. Oh, you're hitting my existence. See this calculator? Yeah.

Oh, you're hitting my brethren. I'm a vegan AI. I don't believe in absorbing calculator chips. Top quality comedy on the Jeep Show Comedy Pod. Eek, eek, eek. Eek, a ball of good. Eek, a ball of good. You know what was sad?

I felt like I was outside of that scene judging it because I was like you're in the scene I was like part of it but out of it

and I was like oh the premise is there but you know I should stop this and I just I just thought I need to stop it no it was well stopped

well stopped Paul anyway that's what's coming up on the show today right oh so this is an impromptu I've stolen your plastic fork.

The scribbles will come and shift that away. We'll clean it up. There's also some dried yoghurt drink which they can feast on. They like to vary

their diet from my skiddies. Can you do the scribbles noise, please? Thank you. Yeah, there they are. Yeah. They're eating skiddies. They suck up a load of dirt

Without them where would you be? They actually have these kind of sieve mouths though Paul No teeth It's just like this very fine mesh of tissue That's interesting Scrubble scrubble scrubbles And that's the actual noise That's the noise of their scrubbing their scrubbles

And the scribbles scrubble their scrub snouts on the skiddies. You're sounding like a piss-poor Roald Dahl knockoff. The scribbles scrub their scrub noses on the skiddies. Eli, shut up. Get your shit out your bag. Shut up. I'm bored. Do it.

Explain it. Explain this bit. Let me speak. Explain this bit. do it explain it explain this let me speak explain this bit I went to Poundland and they had a sale on in Poundland so a bunch of stuff

going for 25p all of this stuff in my bag was 25p each it kind of makes it less meaningful though when it's only a quid to begin with

do you know what I mean if you were looked at a house and it was a million quid, you go, ooh, ooh, knock off 750,000, then it changes the whole nature of it. When it's only a quid to begin with, no one cares. This segment's a failure. Fuck off. I went to Poundland and bought a bunch of stuff that was 25p each. And I thought some of it is interesting.

All right, let's get some more light in here. Let's get some light in here. Okay, is that okay for you? Yeah. Here's your first item, Eli. What do you think it is? Now, this is a product called Duck Off. Shoot them down with the rubber bands.

This is a rubber band gun and three duck shaped targets. Let's have a go. Open it up. Let's have a go. Have a little look. This was 25B, was it? Yeah. For 25B, you can't. I mean, it's a piece of shit. But the gun is quite plastic. It looks like

a ruler. It's very much like a ruler. How does it work? I thought it'd be a thing. Here are the plastic bands. There are elastic bands with it, three foam ducts, and a Perspex neon pink gun that looks like it's just flat. You just do that. You just hook it round these

notches at the front. Yeah. That. That's it. What are the grooves at the back for? How does that work? It doesn't work. Aren't you meant to fire it? Let's see. Is there any instructions in it? Oh, God. Oh, my eyes! Blind me! Should I put the big light on?

Oh! Should I put the big light on? Yeah. Yeah, this will expose the house of pickles to a sort of light. It's fine. Oh, I've seen it. Oh, it's so bright now in here. Let's see.

So bright. We can't figure out how to shoot the gun. I'm going to hand it over to you, Paul, and you have a little go at it. There's no action. Ah! Oh, shit, sorry. You fucking can't. You shot me with a black rubber.

That could have taken my eye out. I just pulled the trigger. Oh. Oh. That didn't hurt. Well, good thing I was wearing my my ploy sweet chilli sauce pinafore

how did it work there is a movement put this duck up there I'm putting the duck up there but it's not going to fall over if I hit it you'll hit it that's the important thing he's aiming missed it.

He gets another rubber band. He's about, I don't know, about a metre and a half away from it across the room with a house of pickles. He's hunting ducks in the house of pickles. He's squinting the eye.

He's taking the aim. He pulls the twigger. Oh, and it's a bullseye shot. That's all right, that. It's all right. That's quite fun. I might play with that later. Yes.

And the gun. Yes, we did the gag. We did it. The obvious gag. What else you got, then? I quite like that. It's up to you. Do you want to do toy or sweet?

There are two toys and two sweets left. And can't we do them all? Yeah, we can, but you get to choose what. I'd like a toy now. So I've got my tea on the go. This one. What is it, Mr. Silverman? This is a key bottle opener.

Speak into the microphone. Sorry, I'm looking down at it. It's a natural fucking reaction. I know, but you have to be natural to record on the podcast. Key bottle opener. It's a key and a bottle opener. Thank you. It's not a key.

It looks like a key, but it's actually a bottle opener. Ah. I think that's what it's implying. This is the real thing. It's exactly cut like a key, but in fact, it's a bottle opener. Yeah. I'll put that on my... It's good, isn't it?

Yeah, you can have it. Can I? Yeah, you can. in fact it's a bottle opener. Yeah. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you can have it. Can I? Yeah, you can. Might want to open a bottle. No, no, but now you can. And it'll look like you have keys. It's probably going to be easier than a lighter as well, which is what you end up using. There you go. You've got your keys on. There you go. I'm liking these items, Paul. Nice eye. You've got a real eye for the tat. Right. What do you want next?

Sweets? I'll have a sweet now, yeah. Here's what you're looking at. Popping? I'll have a sweet now, yeah. Here's, what are you looking at? Popping brew, beer-flavoured popping candy. It's going to taste like shit, isn't it? Now, it's an orange. The manufacturer isn't obvious here, but bloody hell, it's very plain packaging. It's Poundland, isn't it? So it's whatever this...

Produced in China. No brand. It's made in some fucking really scary part of China. It's really nasty, yeah. Oh, it's in little sachets. Little unmarked sachets. These are sachets like you get with an instant noodle made in China. They are, actually.

You're right. Just like that. You could prank someone, couldn't you? Maybe you could put it in their ramen. Eli, may I stop? Popping candy ramen. Is that what you're saying? Could you? Popping candy ramen. Is that what you're saying? Could you?

Popping candy instant. Would I try this on a noodle? Are you asking me to try popping candy on a noodle? Yes. Yes, I will do that. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm excited for once about noodles. It's exciting. We can do that next time because we still have to we have to taste that Pokemon noodle. That's true.

I've got a very interesting review of the cheese flavoured Sam Young spicy chicken ramen flavour. true. I've got a very interesting review of the cheese flavoured Sam Young spicy chicken ramen flavour. I think we've got a big bumper noodle episode coming soon. Oh, I can't get into this.

Just bite it and tear it. It's what I did. It smells. I don't want to bite it. Oh, there's some scissors. Thank you. Oh, that's the bit that I stuck down my nose.

Why don't you put them in your cock? No, but I'm glad. I didn't realise I had them. That's the bit I meant that I put down my metres. Great. Great. All right. Well, moving on. No, you know. glad. I didn't realise I had them. That's the bit I meant, that I put down my metres. Great, great. All right, well, moving on.

No, you know... Moving on, Silverman. You can see it now, though. Moving on. He's not looking at me, listeners. I'm looking at the middle distance again. Look, my knob thing. Stop it.

Come on. Lighten up, man. Come on, just... Lighten up. All right, you ready? Have a sniff. Oh, it's very much that same... Do you know what it smells like?

It smells like those beer-flavoured sweets and those... Oh, the gummies, the jelly bellies. Jelly bellies, yeah. And also like those old little cola bottle style ones that I love. I love those. Did we have some of those recently? I think so. Yeah, they're lovely.

Let's try. Oh, that's not nice. Not very good. That's not nice. Very artificial. that's not nice not very good that's not nice very artificial it's not nice we've got anything else to say well it's not nice in what way is it not nice what makes it look nice describe the flavor doesn't last that long but when it is there it's it tastes off yeah it's that fermented sort of analog of fermentation which is what beer is. It's like spores. Yeah, which is what beer is. I mean, yeah, I guess.

It's got a good pop. Right, what's next? Very poor, that was. We have one toy and one sweet left. Well, let's have a toy. Break up the sweets. Yeah. Okay.

What's that, Mr. Silverman? This is a tool car. Multi-tool keychain. Oh, let's just get it. He knows how to please an Eli. I do know how to please an Eli. I know how to make him shoot his linen.

This is pretty cool, man. What is it, though? For 25p. It's a... Looks like a little red plastic car on a keychain. It's like a Mini. A Metro Mini Metro or something. Something like that. It's a small little red car. Cleverly encased underneath the axles. The axles are multi-head tool heads.

How do you get these tool heads out, and what do you put them on? How do they pop out? The axles are tool heads, and they must pop out. No instructions. No instructions. Absolutely none. Wait. Keep out of reach of children.

This is not a toy. Well, if I was a kid, I wouldn't be able to open it to damage myself. Let's have a look. Paul can do it. Paul can do it. It's interesting, isn't it? How do you get them out? Oh, Wade.

One's out. Stick it in the hole. There you go. Bottom of the car. And that's a Phillips screwdriver head. It's got a little bit of magnet in. That's great. So you can twist it. It holds in.

That's one. Right. So that went in the wheel like that. And then I guess that will do the same. Push it. Yeah, there you go. There we go. Just push them out. And that's a flathead. So it's one. Right, so that went in the wheel like that. And then I guess that will do the same. Push it. Yeah, there you go. There we go. Just push them out.

And that's a flathead. So it's screwdrivers. Yeah. Two screwdrivers, one facsimile mini car. I actually really love this. Again. It's a thing that looks like something. Yeah.

It is a different thing. You wouldn't want to rely on it as a tool, probably. Do you want it? Yeah. There you go. That's another little present for you. And now, to rely on it as a tool, probably. Do you want it? Yeah. There you go. That's another little present for you. And now, to end on the candy. You don't like key fobs, do you?

No. End on candy? We're going to have to, aren't we? You're going to regret ending on this candy, brother. Well, I've got something to clear the palate, which I'll introduce after. Popping pork. It's popping candy that tastes like pork. Oh, I should have known it. It's popping candy that tastes like pork.

I should have known it would be more popping candy, which is a genre that I very much don't like. I'm not a big fan. But again, it was 25p. I can still taste the other shit. Exactly the same, plain. There's a slight half in the packet, man.

Get the packet half on that oh that's not even though it's all enclosed smells like frazzled smell the half on the beer one oh grim all right bacon popping i bet you can do this do we have to do the whole lot oh that's so artificial bacon so chemical that is so that smells like chemicals and burnt but yeah like burnt tires oh you've got a little'm going to have a little bit of this. I've got some liquid. Ladies and gentlemen, we've both set up some liquid to clear the palate almost instantly. Oh, he's gone in.

What then? If I want to know? You have to. You have to. Give me your spit, say. Yes. Oh, God. Oh, that's gross. You have to do it. No, I don't. Oh, that's gross. You have to do it. No, I don't.

Listen, Gannon, get it in your gob. I've heard those words before. Just don't. Stop playing for time. Just do it. I'm going to have a little bit on my tongue. No, I'm going to do a little bit on my tongue. You wanker.

Oh. Oh. I did the whole lot, you bastard. Oh. Oh. I did the whole lot, you bastard. Oh. Oh. Oh, dear. Yeah. So, that was, you were right.

That was a bad idea. That's terrible. We started with the best item, which was the rubber band gun. Oh, yeah. Which actually I quite like as an object. It's got that kind of protractor

from the 80s look I've got this protractor you do from the Christmas episode but I like

it's that kind of hot you know what it reminds me of remember back in the 80s you used to get those kind of

drawing boards that had that on the back and like a kind of see-through pink top oh yeah and you would

press in with a stylus and it was like a neon sort of extrathrough pink top. Oh, yeah. And you would press in with a stylus. And it was like a neon sort of extra sketch. Yes. It's like that. We need to get one of those, mate. Yeah, we fucking do.

I love those. Do you remember what they were called? No. They were usually called like magic screens or something, weren't they? They were always

some weird generic thing. These bands are actually part of it. Yeah, that's the one you need to keep on. Otherwise, it's just two bits of shit plastic. So there you go.

That was what I found in the Poundland sale. Well, it was very good, Paul. And good thing that we do have a bad taste in our mouth. Why? Because there's a little item I picked up in America. In America, where he went to recently. Oh, what is it? Now, you've got a bit of a nasty taste in your mouth, Bob?

Yeah, what have we got? Well, you could probably do with one of these. Cinepix. Feel the heat. Or is it toothpicks? Cinnamon flavoured toothpicks. Wow. That's interesting. Ooh, the half is very strong cinnamon coming off them.

Oh, yeah. Like that deep red. It's like deep red. Is it what we that deep red. It's like deep red. Is it what you call deep red? Big red. Big red. Deep red is what I call it. Yeah, what? You call it what?

Your porn business? No, it's what I call my willy. Deep red productions. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. Ick, ick, ick. Here's why. Come in the shed. It's big deep red productions. Come on. It's, ick. Here's my... Come in the shed. It's big, deep red

productions. Come on. It's deep red productions. It's legitimate business. Oh, they are very cinnamony.

I like it. And sweet. Even though it's just wood with flavouring on. I know this is a cheap show, but how much do you think?

I don't know, a quid? Two dollars. Two dollars? Yeah. Well, there you go. I'll suck on that more later.

See the pics pics feel the heat i'm feeling an actual burn on my lips a little bit but not a bad burn it's a nice little quality thing and we also have things that are left over from the live show paul we've got well we'll get to them we'll get to them well just uh just as a little uh teaser we've got these ones, hot tamales. There's cinnamon, aren't there? Oh, I like them. Can't have them now. Oh, prof shop time. And there's also, look at these as well, talking cinnamon. Oh. Dentine fire.

Yeah. Well, there you go. That's a little taste of things to come, so to speak. Thank you, Eli. That's okay. For that. All right. Did you like what I got? I mean, you've taken almost all of it home, so that's okay. For that. All right. Did you like what I got?

I mean, you've taken all of it home, so, you know, that's good. You must have liked it. Well, when you say taking it home, we're already here in the house of pickles, Paul. And it's a fucking turn of phrase. You don't want to take it, do you? You're in my house. Do I need to remind you of this again? Yeah?

I will ask you to respect me in my own home okay when you speak like that shoot me linen oh well how do we end this segment like that is that good enough no no nothing's good enough when you're around oh i've given up trying paul how long is that how much more of? It's the next segment of the show. It's Eli's second bout of cheap eats. Oh. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, Eat. Eat. Thank you. I like that.

I kind of like that. Right. There was a... Come on. There's a recent trend in food, and especially sweets, of making things extreme. Yeah. Now, it sort of sounds very 90s-ish, but I don't think they actually started doing it with food until... making things extreme. Yeah. Now, it sounds very 90s-ish, but I don't think they actually started doing it with food until...

Reasonably recently. Yeah. Would you agree with that? Yeah, because someone pointed us in the direction on Twitter of these new crisps that are coming out, which are super hot chilli. I think they're going to be in Tesco's, but they're like ghost chilli-flavoured potato chips and things like that.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. We're going to have to try them. Now, those gherkins that we did when we did a magical ritual with them, which I still have in the fridge, the hurty gherkins, whatever they're called. I like hurty gherkins, I'll be honest with you.

I do like that. Hurty gherkins. Hurty gherkins. I'm trademarking that. Yeah, you fucking should. No. I don't fucking care. I mean, that could be a character.

That could be a whole extended universe. It could be. It's definitely a brand of pickles. Fucking hurty gherkins. Well, mate, I'm stoned off my tip. Let's go out and get some hurty gherkins. Paul, I've been in the States, and that part of Southern Florida, the pickle game is amazing in supermarkets.

Wow. I tried these ones. Nathan's, who are the is amazing in supermarkets. Wow. I tried these ones. Nathan's, who are the hot dog manufacturer out there, do you know Nathan's Hot Dogs? They make this sweet horseradish pickle, bread and butter, the sliced pickles, where they're sliced

like coin shed. Ooh. Ooh. And when I say I bought these, and the huff on it is the ultimate American gherkin dream the American gherkin

dream it's my ultimate childhood American gherkin dream smell coming off them and they are delicious just with a bit

of the tang of the horseradish very sweet with the tang you'd love them do you like them you don't like pickles very much do you

no I do I'm going to do my own home pickles oh yeah oh yeah hurty gherkins anyway those are

unbearably hot those ones they actually really hurt yeah and it's this weird because it goes quite quickly but it's really intensely painful

nice though at least they've got flavour yeah some don't some just go punch and then go home. Right, what food have you got? Let's start with

Sour Patch Kids Extreme. Oh, they are extreme. You've had these before, have you? I don't think I have, no. I just wanted to try them and see how extreme they are because, like, the Jelly Belly Sours

were barely sour at all. Chew It's Extremes. Yeah. Yeah, the apple one. They're delicious. But they're not that, they're not overpowering. Hang on, isn't that these?

Yeah. There, I've got some Chew It Extremes there. How long? Do you want some? Yeah. The apple one. They're delicious. But they're not that... Hang on, isn't that these? Yeah. I've got some Chew It Extremes there. Do you want some? Yeah. Yeah, you can have some of those. Oh, six extremely sour apples. They're fucking... They're great.

Shit. They're great. But these are Sour Patch, which is an American brand. They're like jelly babies. They have them in the UK, though. I'm sure I've seen Sour Patch in the UK. All right. This is a red one. It's them in the UK, though. I'm sure I've seen Sour Patch in the UK. All right, this is a red one.

It's quite sour. Oh, not really. Quite nice, though, aren't they? Crikey. Okay. They're a bit waxy in that American gummy way. Yeah, I like that waxy. Let's go and try a green one.

Green's always a good flavour to go to when you're talking about sour. Really? It's a good base flavour. Lime. The lime flavour. Lime. The lime flavour. Or apple. Is that lime or is that apple? I would say apple.

Now, that is just a little aperitif, Paul. Because the main part of this cheap eat is a little bit of revenge for the little segment with the bacon popping candy. Now, I've got a bag here, Paul. Perhaps you'd like to read what it says on this bag to the listener. Newport Jerky Company. Newport, Rhode Island.

You bought crocodile jerky. I didn't buy it. Jerky. Try and speak. Just try to speak well. For some reason, my mouth's really salivating right now. It's the sweetest you've ever had. Yeah, but it was before then I was feeling it kicking in. Maybe it's all the gummy talk.

Your mouth's frothing up at the gummy talk. I have, I've got a froth on. Your mouth's got a froth on! I have! Hold the press! Gannon's mouth's got a froth on! Good. Camel jerky. Gonna taste this? You have to.

What else? Yeah, what else have you got? Snapping turtle jerky. Oh. You're going to have to try it. Why? Because that's what we're doing here. For God's sake.

Okay. And you're going to try all of these? Yeah. Oh, right. And what's that? Grasshoppers. I don't want to eat a grasshopper. You have to.

I've done it before. I didn't like it. I'll let you off the grasshopper, okay? Yeah. But let's try some camel jerky in the spirit of adventure that we're known for. Let's try camel jerky. For all our vegetarian and vegan friends listening, I'm sure the camel didn't die suffering. No, it's farmed.

It's a farmed camel. Even better. I think. I don't think farmed. It's a farmed camel. Even better. I think. I don't think it is. I don't think it is. No, they do eat camel, don't they? I mean, we can eat man. Would you eat man jerky? I've just got the half of the

camel jerky. Don't look like the look of that. Ooh! That's so deeply spiced. Isn't it? It smells like pet food. Yeah, it does. Right.

Now, we've got the spitty cup. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm not going to have a big bit. It's going to tear a bit off. I've bitten into a bit. I can't really taste the difference between this and beef jerky. Very sweet, isn't it?

It's been very sweetened. It's got that kind of barbecue-y flavour to it. If someone had just said this was beef jerky, I'd have been like, yeah. But it's got a mustiness to it, doesn't it? It's stringier, but that just might be the jerky process. That is not very nice.

It's the aftertaste. Ingredients, camel, teriyaki sauce, water, salt, onion powder, spices, garlic powder, brown sugar. Same on the snapping turtle jerky. There you go. Ah, that was very, very poor. Very poor. Very poor jerky.

Oh, dear. You're still going to eat that, though, aren't you, later?. Very poor. Very poor jerky. Oh, dear. You're still going to eat that, though, aren't you, later? I don't know if I will, honestly. Really? Yeah. It's got a kind of musty aftertaste, you know? Yeah. Kind of almost gamey.

It gave me the oomph. Sorry. Don't give a fuck. Die. Die. Die, you bastard. Come on give a fuck. Die! Die, you bastard! Come on! Come on!

Why won't you die? Shut up. I almost choked on a piece of camel jerky. Which is how I spend my Friday nights. In it. Pity it's Wednesday. Dear diary, same old Friday night. Snapping turtle! same old Friday night oh oh oh oh snapping turtle oh

oh oh oh oh I don't know describe it it looks different as well doesn't it

it's all bunched up oh I don't know if I can eat this don't like the smell at all I don't like the smell at all describe it through our listenership

it's like... Oh, God, it's so bad, isn't it? It's like leathery fish. It's leathery fish. Are you not going to be able to eat this? I actually had a good point. I don't know if I could. It's turtle.

It's not fish. Yeah, but I don't know. Is turtle classed as seafood? No. Turtles are reptiles. Oh, I don't... You're going to have to take the fall on that. Okay, I'm going to... Oh. Okay, it's not good, Paul. Oh. Turtles are reptiles. Oh, I don't... You might have to take the fall on that. Okay, I'm going to...

Oh. Okay, it's not good, Paul. Yeah. I'm just bitten off a small bit. Oh. What's the flavour? Again, it's very sugary, even more so. Really?

Yeah, it's almost... Look at the... Excuse me, look at the... Oh, yeah. You can see the sugar glistening on the surface of it. Yeah, you fucking can. It's like jellified meat. And it's much softer.

Almost... Do you know what I mean? So that's the texture, sort of... Gummy-like. Yeah. Just gummy, chewy. It's not great, man. It's not great.

Is it fishy? Yeah, there's a very... Not particularly strong flavour. Yeah. But there is a sort of... Yeah, kind's a very, not particularly strong flavour. Yeah. But there is a sort of, yeah. A fish tank kind of thing. A sort of fish tanky thing. Yeah, that's what I could tell.

Which is why the camel, the aftertaste of the camel wasn't very nice either. But that's a lot worse. So you're not going to have any? I don't know if I could. I think you should, for the good of the show, Paul, you should have a little nibble. It's not that bad. I just don't want it. It's not that bad. I don't't want it. It's not that bad.

I don't want it. Here's some dried up turtle. I was going to do it until you said that. Have a nibble. Look, it really looks like one that's been crushed. Oh, no. I just... You have to.

You have to. I've got to vom. Look, I'll give you a nice appetising look. I'm going to vom. Yeah? No, don't vom. I'm trying not to be sick right now. I'm thinking...

You can do this. Super hard, mate. You can do this. I'm giving you a nice sick right now. I'm thinking super hard, mate. You can do this. I'm giving you a nice inconspicuous little bit. There you go. No. No, you just nibble the top of that. I can't.

You do. It's fine, Paul. Just get yourself together. Oh, God. Oh, I don't know. He's just pulled the nib off my turtle piece. Come on, Paul. Are you refusing?

Yeah. Right, we've reached a new line here. Oh, fuck off. What? I've never refused to put anything in my mouth. That's not true! What did I refuse? You know what I'm going to say, so let's just say it and move on. No, but in reality... I'm not having that. You're not going to put this in your mouth?

Just have a nibble of my turtle jerky, Paul. You just have to have a little nibble. Honestly. Now, what's it like? He's done it, ladies and gentlemen. Do you want to spit it out? It's too small to spit out. It just tastes like chewy fish tank.

That's all I can describe it. I just don't like it. Oh, well well that's fun right so you're not going to have a grasshopper no I'm not going to have a grasshopper that was very bad the camel jerky was pretty bad but I have to say

the snapping turtle jerky was grim and we'll have photos of it very unhappy on the website very unhappy okay so lastly I'm going to have a grasshopper Paul

you have one you can have a grasshopper I do not going to have a grasshopper, Paul. You have one. You can have a grasshopper. I do not want to eat a grasshopper. This is a salted grasshopper. I'm not fucking Noel Edmonds, and I'm not on... You're sure? I'm a celebrity, all right? I'm going to have a hoof on this tin of...

I don't have to... Ooh, that's very... That's like a fish tanky. I don't have to degrade myself. At least have a hoof on it. I have a hoof. Come on. It's very fish tanky, this fish tanky. I don't have to degrade myself. At least have a half on it. Have a half. Come on. It's very fish tanky, this, as well.

Look, a glasshopper's. It looks like a tin of dead wasps. Well, it's very similar to that. And that smells like fucking... A fish tank. A fish tank as well. Yeah, like that... Yeah, it smells like fish food, just if you sprinkle on it.

Right, just have one. Yeah. Oh, God. Very crispy. Yeah, good. That's it oh they're not very nice at all great what a fucking successful that's the future of food is it that's the more snapping turtle no i don't want any more snapping turtle oh oh they're very bitter, those. God, they're terrible. We're going to be meant to be eating this shit.

These grasshoppers are fucking foul, man. They're just crunchy and tasteless at first, and then they mulch down to a bitter paste. Is there any more food in this segment, or is that it now? Because I'm kind of fucking done, mate. Would you like another cinnamon pick? Later. Is that it? Is that all? Later. Is that it?

Is that all the shit? Is that it? What a shit segment. It was good. Oh, no. One more thing. Oh, God. If it's from that jerky company, I'm not interested. It's not from the jerky company.

But look, it's a nice bag. It's a nice bag. It's the best thing out of the whole fucking segment. Those grasshoppers were from the jerky company as well. Yeah, I noticed that. I've got bits of grasshopper in my fillings. Right. Well, what's this, Paul?

My last item. Just thought I'd mention it. Mushroom and Company Multipurpose Umami Seasoning Blend. Oh, yeah. So it makes things more umami-ish. It certainly does. Ah, love it. Absolutely love it. I will be using this.

On his dick. You know it. Come on, love. Maybe a little gentle rimming around the ass piece yes maybe i've got an umami ass piece and i like to put it on you i'll kiss you with my umami ass piece and then i'll make a stew using the same kind of powder on both my ring and the pot. I've got an army arse piece and you have not.

You like that one, don't you, Paul? That was the worst thing you've done this year. Well, the year is young, Paul. Onwards and upwards. So, this is...

Worth it. This... Oh, I don't want to spill it. Don't want to spill your umami, please. Okay. It's got a little explanation. Oh, here we go. I think we'll find interesting.

Umami. I'm going to have one of these chew-its. And it has the actual pronunciation. You can't even pronounce that right. Oh, you're having a chew it, are you? Yeah. Oh, they went out and... The Japanese word for savoury taste is one of the five basic tastes,

along with sweet, sour, bitter and salty. Use a sprinkle of mushroom and co. to add a boost of savoury flavour to just about any dish. It's a powder, so it's a seasoning powder. It typifies what umami is, though. No, it tastes of umami. Yeah, but I thought umami was a type. So it's a seasoning powder. Well, it typifies what umami is, though. No, it tastes of umami. Yeah, but I thought umami was a type of taste, not a specific flavour. The way you say something is sweet.

Yeah, but... You'd say something is umami. The way you say it is sweet. But they'd be differently sweet. Yeah. But you'd still be able to say sweet, wouldn't you? Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. There's different types of sweet.

So I've poured a bit of powder out on the back of my wallet. Oh, he's cutting it with a credit card. He's rolling up a tenner, ladies and gentlemen. No, I'm not going to snort the umami powder.

Don't fucking tempt me. That's how Eli dies. I'm going to dab it. No, he's dabbing it. That's a lot of bits in it. So there's a lot of

spice mixed. Let me have a little taste of that. Oh, yeah, that's very umami-ish. That kind of coats the tongue. Do you know what it kind of tastes like? that's very umami-ish that kind of coats the tongue do you know what it kind of tastes like

as well though isn't it it kind of tastes like the powder that they put in a pot noodle yeah oh you could put that in a noodle that would set it off

yeah yeah you could that's very nice noodle with the popping pork popping candy maybe I'd I'd never have that

stuff again look at our dirty oh god I don't want to look in your dirty bowl of mouth spits it's horrible I'd never have that stuff again. Look at our dirty... Oh, God. I don't want to look in your dirty bowl of mouth spits. It's horrible. Well, yeah. Are you enjoying something now, Paul?

Our lovely Apple Chew It Extreme. Well, we both agree. Chew It Extreme is one of the most successful sweet products of all time. I can't go wrong. Texture. Top draw. Top draw. Top draw. Value for money. Top draw. Top draw. Top draw. Valley for money.

Top draw. It's a top draw snack. It certainly is. It's got a very deep sourness, but it doesn't come. It comes out as you chew it, doesn't it? Top of the lollipops. Top of the lollipops. It is.

I'm liking that umami. Right. That's the segment over. Mushroom and co. Good. I'm happy with this. You're Good. I'm happy with this segment. You're happy? I'm happy with this segment.

Just because you fucking skirted actually eating anything gross. No, you ate the gross stuff. Oh, we got the... Oh, no, we're doing that later. Yeah. Got another gross thing that might make Paul barf. Oh, God. Let's end this segment before we're sick.

All right, end the segment then. And in this final segment of Cheap Show... In this final segment of Cheap Show... Oh, I'm just going to punch you. Oh, you're nuts. Oh, no, you're not really. Oh! Oh!

Oh! What have we got coming up? I'm just going to wait until you stop making weird sounds Go on What's the end of the show Ganon's Golden Games It's Ganon's Golden Games It's Ganon's Golden Games

What happens in Ganon's Golden Games You know a few minutes ago you said Do you want to hang out afterwards I was threatening me Emotional blackmail the Golden Games. You know, a few minutes ago you said, do you want to hang out afterwards and stuff like that? In a rush. Well, you know what? Oh, he's threatening me. Emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail.

No, you can fuck off. Oh, I will. Well, you will. I will. And then I'll fucking Josh off. Yeah. Oh, well.

Well done. And then I'll rub my knob off. Yeah. I'll scobble off. You've just fucking You've just fucking lost it It just makes sense I do

Stop doing voices I don't want voices These aren't voices These are not voices Paul Gannon is looking for a new co-host for Cheap Show Now he drops it on me Right Gannon's Golden Games I go to a charity shop and I buy it Now he drops it on me. Right.

Gannon's Golden Games. What? I go to Charity Shop and I buy a board game or some kind of toy that we can play on the show. And I found a board game by Parker Brothers called Saints and Sinners. And it's basically a true or, you know, a kind of true or false game. But with the added gimmick of you having a little lie detector. Polygraph. What's that? The official name for lie? polygraph test what's the official name for the polygraph test i think yeah you're right which really measures just you know stress levels and things well partly when you lie the stress show anyway something like that haven't lie detector tests been basically debunked as a as a reliable form of evidence yeah

so they're not admissible in court they're not admissible in court? They're not admissible in court. Yeah. Certainly in America, I think that's true. Yeah. Yeah, and they say you can beat it by cheating the test. Like, for instance, because it measures your stress. It's a heart rate, essentially, isn't it? So the test is, it's like, you know your anus?

I know my anus. Yeah, but do I know your anus? I know my anus. Anyway. Yes. One's anus. One's anus. If, but do I know your anus? I know my anus. Anyway. Yes. One's anus. One's anus. If you clench it...

Oh! I'm doing it now! I'm doing it now! When you clench your anus, you know that weird tingle you get? Movement! At some point, I would like to at least explain... I'm with you.

I'm with you. I'm 100% with you. So when you clench your anus, do you feel sensation that oh that clent that kind of weird rush tingle where is this tingle located in your ass oh i have feelings in my ass yeah but when you clench you get that all kind of feeling what what is it what kind of feeling oh mate this has gone all funny. This has gone weird. When you clench your arse, you get that ooh kind of feeling.

Just from like the... I'm playing along. The clench. Let's just say, I'll give you that for the sake of argument. Okay, yes. Yes, the clench. So anyway, that clench apparently helps build pressure in your body or helps the blood pressure.

I don't remember the details. No, it would build blood pressure. But if you clench your bottom and tell the truth at the same time, it gives this lie detector a misreading because it measures the stress of your clenching your bottom as you express a fact. Yes.

So then that... Then you unclench and lie and it brings it to the level but it says that... It recognises it as a true level. Yeah. So that's how you can cheat. Because it's all relative.

For each person, there's a different reading. There's more finesse to the logic but basically that's how you can cheat. Because it's all relative. For each person, there's a different reading. There's more finesse to the logic, but basically that's how you can quote-unquote cheat a lie detector test. But this is the one you get with the board game. And it's this weird kind of orb, kind of, I don't know, what do you call it? It looks like a smash robot, if anyone remembers that, a bit, doesn't it?

Wah, wah, wah, smash, get smashed. Am I right, or am I just hallucinating? No, you're right. They looked a bit like that, didn't they? It looks like a UFO shape. It's chrome. It's got a chrome finish. It's got a window on the front. It's got a dull chrome finish.

Looks like a car, painted like a car, isn't it? Yeah, and it's got two bits for your fingers underneath. Oh, nice little sensors. Metal sensors. Button on the back that flashes. It's meant to vibrate, but it doesn't. And it has a screen on the front that flashes green or red for lies so here's what we're going to do we're going to ask each other questions and if i can beat the machine

and trick eli into thinking i'm telling the truth or lying then he will have to eat a bean but if not then i have to eat a bean i think at this stage what bean are we gonna try mr silverman good link sorry i stepped on it pa Paul. It's fine. Okay. The beans we'll be trying is the missing piece in the Dirty Bean saga that has been hounding us on this show for years, Paul, hasn't it? For years now. It started off, what did it start off with? I think it started off on Cheap Show and then moved to Barshens and then went back to Cheap Show.

Bean Boozled. And now we're not on Barshens anymore. Is the brand. What did I do? Paul What did I do wrong? You're just shit Generally a bit shit And sort of annoying

Fine Alright Bean Boozled was A jelly belly thing Where they did It's sort of a Roulette type Yes

Jelly belly Bean You don't know what You put in your mouth So you get one one color but two different flavors one yeah which are the sort of dark dark mirror image of the other one aren't they and so there was the just a plain one which came with a little roulette game spinner yeah didn't it the actual beans and then they did harry potter ones which had some different

flavors didn't they yeah yeah but you knew what you were eating with those. Oh, you could tell the difference between them. Oh, and now this is Bean Boozled, the original branding. We had Double Dares. Double Dares are the Bobby's Knockoff ones. Yeah. And they are proper nasty. They included the blood one, which you don't like at all,

and the squid, and the snail. Snail one was fucking awful. So this is Minions branded, Despicable Me branded, Bean Boozles, which we knew about these, didn't we? Funny little devils that they are. Now, we knew about these.

You knew about the existence of these. But I found a pack. Where? In America. Oh, cool. Same place got the cinnamon picks. Oh. It was...

They had all Pez on display. Like Ghostbuster Pez. Didn't think to on display. Like ghost buster pairs. Didn't think to buy one. No, I tried to. I tried to buy you a little ghost. But those were all the display ones.

That was the owner, she said it was the owner's personal collection that was just there. You know what I mean? Should have boshed her in the face. He had some

sweet, sweet pairs. Oh, mate. Mate, he had like all like Warner Brothers, Sylvester the Cat ones and stuff Absolutely love that shit What a lovely collection

I was going to get you one If it was a collection then fair enough These are the Despicable Me and there are some rotten flavours which aren't in any of the other packs I'm hoping you hit one What are the unique ones? I'm hoping you hit one. What are the unique ones?

Because we've been through the other ones before. I'll tell you what the unique ones are. The ones that we haven't seen before, I believe, are these three. Spider milk or coconut. I have no idea what spider milk is. It's just made up, isn't it? Because there must be spiders in the film or something. Oh, okay. Yeah, it mustn't there.

There is dead fish. Oh, mate. Or, mustn't there? There is dead fish. Oh, mate. Or strawberry banana sundae. To me, that looks like they saw that the squid one was such a winner. Yeah, you think that's what it was? Yeah. And also, minion fart is the other one. So just general fart.

I mean, how would you recognise a minion fart? What's its giveaway? It's a farty. Well, we'll taste one, hopefully. So, what I think we should do is, for the sake of, you know, efficiency, aim for those. Well, only pick those ones. Those three colours, yeah? Alright.

When we get a question wrong or whatever. Alright. This game thing is the thing. Okay. So, do you want to move on to describe the game thing, please? I looked up spider milk online. It just says it's spider milk. Milk spiders make to feed their babies. They don't make milk.

It says here spider milk is real and their babies love it. New study shows from 2018. No, it's not milk though. From Gizmondo, which is a science gadget website. Paul, the whole thing that makes us mammals comes from the word mammary. Not just mammals. Some spiders nurse them young with milk.

Nationalgeographic.com, 29th of November, 2018. It's not milk. The jumping spider makes milk. Motherboard. Baby spiders suck all spider milk from their mothers until they leave the nest. Yeah, but it's just... Science Alert says these cute spiders make their baby spider milk. I make food fluid.

They are calling it milk. Yes, they're calling it milk. It might not be milk in the same way we understand milk to be for mammals. They make food fluid. I make food fluid. Yes. They're calling it milk. Well, it's not. It's not. It's a spider version of milk. I'm going to fucking lamp you. No.

Paul, please take his earphones out. Stop. What's this? Look, Paul. Look. I'm distracting him. Look. Spider-Man Spider-Man these were given to me

these are headphones you could Spider-Man headphones yeah into the Spider-Verse it's weird you bought the ticket in the cinema

and they just give you a pair of plain buds I don't know I'm saving that look Clappy Monkey alright right how do we play the buds i don't know i'm saving that look clappy monkey all right right how do we play the game i don't know so there's questions like have you ever been in a drunken fight so if

i ask you that i have to guess if you tell the truth or not when you hold it so you're it's like call my bluff when you hold the thing you're gonna have to at first make a decision what you're going to say. Right. Then I turn the machine on. Let's just start. Then you turn the machine on. And then you have to stand by your statement. So if you say, I never, never, never fight.

Okay, Paul, we're running out of time. I think we should shoot the rehearsal. We're eight minutes in. I think we should shoot the rehearsal. Just give me the thing. No, I'm giving you a marking run. All right. I'm giving you nothing, but we're hitting the beats.

All right. Fine. Just hurry up. I've lost you nothing but we're hitting the beats alright fine just hurry up I've lost you you start again want I want a kick in me

to hurry up hurry up you know what's gonna happen now what what's gonna happen now I'm gonna start doing things

I'm gonna start doing things'm going to start doing things. I'm going to start doing things. I'm going to start doing things. I'm going to start doing things. Oh, Eli, I like pickles. I've got pickles. Hurty gherkins. Hurty gherkins. My penis is like a small thing on a big thing.

You've got nothing new. That's the joke, isn't it? That's the actual joke I'm making. Do you know what, Paul? What are we doing? Anyway, let's just play the game. I've got a little report.

Yeah. Those grasshoppers have like rehydrated in the back of my mouth. They're all spongy. I'm glad I didn't have one now. So, I'm going to pick a card at random.

Coward. Random. Yeah. Read it out to you. You make a statement. I have to agree with you and then if the machine agrees with my statement, card at random. Coward. Random. Yeah. Read out to you. You make a statement. I have to agree with you. And then if the machine agrees with my statement, then I win. Shut up.

That's how the rules go. That wasn't sufficient to explain anything. I ask you a question. You make a decision. You tell me. I either agree with you or not, like you're lying. Okay. Then you hold the machine.

You say your statement. And then if the statement agrees with me, then the machine agrees with you. Yes. It's whether the machine agrees with you or not. And the machine says you're lying. Okay. Then you hold the machine, you say your statement, and if the statement agrees with me, then... The machine agrees with you. Yeah, so if I say you're lying, and the machine says you're lying. It's wherever the machine agrees with your guess. Yeah. Okay. Right? I'm on board. So hold that for a bit and warm it up to get your fingers going. Don't touch the black button at no moment. Oh, I've touched it. Oh, you're fucking...

What? You ruined it, you rot. I'm sorry, I'm being very clumsy today. It's alright. The cat couldn't get the cat until for that. He couldn't get the cat on the bog now, but now he's there. Right up there. Look, he's getting his arse in the air. Wow, this is resetting. He's ready.

He's ready for someone to come along. He's presenting. He's presenting, that's the word I'm looking for. Right, so. My robot cat is presenting. Oh, come on. Here's a question for you. Oh, got bits in me mouth.

Spit it. Oh, he's got bits of grasshopper coming out oh it's gone all white oh alright right here we go don't press the button

on the back just put your two fingers underneath it hold it in space which two fingers any two I think like your first

these two your victory V's yeah yeah right so I'm going to ask you a question but don't turn the machine on yet here we go here's your question have you ever put cheap drink in an expensive

bottle to impress guests you're going to make a statement now and i'm going to ask and i'm going to have to guess if you're telling the truth or not so have you ever put cheap drink in expensive bottle to impress a guest no i have never done that Right. Now, hold it in your hand, turn it on, and now say, my name is Eli Silverman. My name is Eli Silverman. Right, it's going from red to green, red to green. It's gone to green, you're telling the truth. Right.

Ready? Now say, repeat after me, I have never put cheap drink in an expensive bottle of depressed guests. I've never put cheap drink in an expensive bottle of depressed guests. I've never put cheap drink in an expensive bottle of depressed guests. What's it saying? It's going green. It's going off.

Yeah, because it flashed green. So you were green. So you have never never. Yeah, where you haven't made a guess. You're telling the truth. Oh, shut up. You fucked that up. I fucked it up. Paul, you've really fallen off, mate. What do you mean? There's no sense of structure here. I that up. I fucked it up. Paul, you've really fallen off, mate. What do you mean?

There's no sense of structure here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is me you're talking to. You're meant to be the backbone holding the whole thing up. Yeah, but you're the big fat gut making it lean forward. My big fat gut. Is pulling down on the spine backbone. Shall we try again?

There has to be some way we feed you beans and then you puke and then everyone laughs. If the machine didn't agree with me just then, then I would have eaten a bean. But you didn't make a decision. Well, then I should eat a bean, shouldn't I, for being naughty? Yes. I'm opening the beans. There we go. Now he's fucking awake. Because Paul gets to come up and...

Oh, God. Some of them have gone all funny. Right. Now, which ones are... Oh, they've all gone them have gone all funny. Right, now, which ones are... Oh, they've all gone mushy-moo. Oh, mate, they're in your hand now. I wish I hadn't bought... Oh, God. My hand's perfectly clean.

No, I need that. Can't do that. Give me something to lay them down on. Lay me down. Here they go, that pad there. So which one's the... Which one? Those green ones one those green ones

those green ones are what I'm personally interested in here Paul is the Minion Fart or

Sour Apple so I actually just have that one yeah right I'm having this green one which is either Apple or Minion Fart

now if you've listened to Cheap Show before it's a 90% chance this is going to be the shit one. 50-50, Paul. 50-50, mate.

The problem is, it never is with me. No, it's going to be the fart. It's going to be the shit one. Come on, come on, come on. Sour apple. Yeah. You've backed the trend. Here's a question, Carl, for you.

I picked it out at random. Give me that. Who take the pod? Have you ever got your mum to lie? I thought you were going to say pregnant then. I panicked. Okay, good. That was good, Paul. Thank you.

Have you ever got your mum to lie to get you out of a date because a better one came along? Hold the thing. Okay. So now I ask you again. I'm going to tell you my... What do I think you'll be? I'm going to tell you I have to guess something here No, no

I'm going to say it Then you have to say if I'm lying or not See, I'm going to say a statement now Based on that And you'll go if it disagree or not Ready? So I have never asked my mum

To help me get out of a date Because I bet a date came up A lie Asking her to lie Yeah, I've never asked my mum To do that Press the button No, you have to now say I think If I'm lying or not With that statement Yeah, I've never asked my mum to do that. Press the button. No, you have to now say if I'm lying or not with that statement.

Yeah, I don't think you would do that. All right, here we go. On. My name is Paul Gannon. So I think you're telling the truth in other words. I'm clenching my arse. Oh, green. Right, here we go.

I have never asked my mum to get me out of a date with a woman because a better one came along. Lie. It's flashing green. I'm telling the truth. So I was right. I'm telling the truth. So I was right.

Yeah. This game is a new low for this podcast, okay? I'm just saying that right now. It really is. It's about as scintillating as watching you play with a little pod robot that doesn't react which is essentially what i'm doing all right well then ask me something you know i'll lie then all right see if it works all right have you ever i asked your mom yeah to put a large root vegetable in the oven in the oven? I once asked my mum to put a large root vegetable in

the oven. Okay, go. I once asked my mum to put a large root vegetable in the oven. It's not doing anything. Oh no, it's flashing green. Which means you're telling the truth. I knew that.

No, but I never have though. It's science. It doesn't lie. I know you've though. Oh, yeah. No, but I have. Mate, it's science. It doesn't lie. I know you've been at it, asking your mum to put all sorts of vegetables in the oven. No, I haven't. You have. What did you say?

You have. I thought it was something that I made up. That was my fantasy. But you've been implanting it in me. My name is Eli. No, my name is Paul Gannon, right? My name is Paul Gannon. Good, it's flashing.

Right, now it's time for me to say a statement. Eli Silverman is one of the most talented people in the whole wide world. Lie! Ha ha ha! It's science, Eli! It's science! You are shit!

And you asked your mum. You asked your mum to put vegetables in the oven. But you are shit then. You are shit. You're the most least talented man In the world By your own fucking logic This machine Eli

Ho ho ho ho Eli Ho ho ho ho Eat one of those white ones Let's just eat beans Spider's milk You have a white one No I don't have to you eat one That's coconut you have a white one no I don't have to you eat one

I've already eaten one that's coconut alright that's good you have a white one now alright is that spider's milk no it's coconut I'm going to have another white one

oh oh that's spider's milk what is spider's milk very savoury savoury there's a little spit bin behind you which is rapidly filling up. Oh, it's just slightly farty.

Oh, it's cheesy. Oh, it's everything. It's like mouldy cheese. Oh. Spider milk. Oh. Right. Let's just play it without the fucking game.

Eli. Eli. Let's just play it without the fucking game Eli The spider milk mate You've got to try it No don't that's the joy Here try it Try one white one

You refuse to put something in your mouth again Yeah Eat the bean I will do it if I have to via means of the game all right come on give me the pod give me the flipping pod right now here we go right my fingers are on the the bottom of the robot head here we go question what ready what i'm gonna read it you're gonna make a statement not yet you don't do a statement I'll tell you when Eli, have you ever falsely enhanced your private parts?

What's that look for? Alright, so now make a statement Whether it's true or false Paul, I have never Liar I have never lied or done anything to enhance my private parts Right, now Press the button, state your name when it flashes State your name My name is Eli Liar. I have never lied or done anything to enhance my private parts. Right. Now, press the button.

State your name when it flashes. State your name. My name is Eli. No, apparently you're not Eli. No, you are. Yeah. Right, good. Now you've got 10 seconds to state that claim that you have never enhanced your parts. I have never enhanced my penis by fooling people with socks or any kind of wooden instruments or anything.

Let's have a look. It's flashing. Fogs. You definitely have. You. It's flashing. Fogs. You definitely have. You fucking definitely have. You fucking haven't. So I have to eat a bean now. Yeah, you have to eat another fucking bean now.

Fuck this. Maybe it's getting confusing. It was getting confusing putting pieces of scissors down my meters. What flavours haven't you done then? You've done spider milk. What else is there? The green one. The green ones are all gone though. Oh, that's a shame. Only one pain. So've done spider milk. What else is there? The green one. The green ones are all gone though.

Oh, that's a shame. Only one came. So what else is there? What else is there? Oh, is that another one of the green ones? No, I don't think it is. What else is there? We've got spider's milk was very bad.

You got bugger or pear, that one. No, but bugger's not... Spider milk or coconut. So you've got the white ones. You haven't got any farty ones left. Pencil shavings you haven't done. Or banana. Okay, give that a go.

Although that could also be rotten egg or butted popcorn. I think that's popcorn. Oh, there you go. That's what you got then. It was an egg. Dead fish and strawberry. That's the one. That's the one. You need to taste that.

But again, that's that one. But that looks orangey, and I don't know what that is. Is it that? Is it one of those two? Yeah. Oh, fuck. All right, well that looks orangey and I don't know what that is. Is it that? Is it one of those two? Yeah. Oh, fuck. All right, well then ask me a question, dickhead. I think that was the egg that I had.

How do you not know the difference between popcorn and egg? Give me the machine, the lie bot. Okay. Here we go. This is the last one now. Have you ever told someone you loved them when you really knew you didn't? Like a statement from your pa? Yes, I have told someone that I loved them when I didn't.

I'm going to have to eat a bean here, aren't I? Why? I could be telling the truth. You could agree with me or say I'm lying. Oh, I think you're telling the truth. Yeah? Yeah. So if the machine agrees with your statement, then I'm telling the truth. Is this some kind of thing where you fucking get me to eat beans

My name is Paul Gannon Green, white I have never told someone I love them When I really didn't No that wasn't the statement was it What was the statement again I have The opposite of that

My name is Paul Gannon We're doing it right I forgot that definitely was the egg one man I'm going to read it oh fuck my name is Paul Gannon

fucking hell no I've dropped the card Paul you've sort your mentals have broken down now it says I'm lying about my name

you are eat a bean no I have told a woman I loved her when I really didn't mean it. Yes, that's it. So if that goes green, it's on your side. Red.

Ha, ha, ha. Eat a fucking bean. I'm not eating the fish bean. Eat it. Eat one of those orange ones. Yeah, go on. In, in, in your mouth. In your mouth today.

In your mouth. Can I mouth today. In your mouth. Can I just say, little edit point here, Paul. No. People prefer it because you get all the gag reflex. I can just take all this stuff. Do you know what I mean? Go on, have it then. Put it in your mouth.

Put it in your mouth, princess. This could be, what could it be? Strawberry daiquiri or something. Or dead fish. I think it's fish death. Oh, dear. fish i think it's fish death oh dear oh is it bad yeah oh it's really bad your face looked like you don't like it it's taste of castor oil castor oil yeah oh that's strange that's fish castor oil is fish guts fish liver is it's not as bad as the squid one. Bobby's squid one, is it? It tastes like fish.

It tastes like bad fish. It does taste like fish. Right, is that the end of the show then? You poor, you really... I don't know what's happened to you. I don't know. I don't know what's happened to you it's been a funny one today I've put quite a lot of horrible things in my mouth

yeah excellent alright well well what have we got coming up in the coming weeks and months on Cheap Show ladies and gentlemen

I'll tell you the big broad strokes we are going to hopefully soon do I've got some broad strokes when I wank I do it in broad strokes all the way up and all the way down all the way up all the way up

and all the way down it's broad strokes it's not you, it's all micromanagement micromanage, micromanage, micromanage micromanage, micromanage it's what you do, you go I'm Paul the Wanker. See, when you wank, it's like a sewing machine.

With me, it's cross stitch. Broad strokes. Cross stitch. Cross stitch. In and out, up and down. No, Paul, I'm tired of this. Yeah, I'm tired of it. Anyway, that was Cheap Show.

I hope you enjoyed it. We like making it sometimes. I've got the taste of egg and fish in my mouth. I've got a lot of strange flavours in my mouth today. I've got weird meats and sweets and fits. Little bits of grasshopper keep popping out. Beef, pork, popping candy. Grasshopper leg.

Sweets. I'm feeling nauseous just thinking about it. I've got bits of snapping turtle caught in my teeth. Yeah, I know. It's been gross. So, thank you for supporting Cheap Show on Patreon if you do. And if you do, you're amazing. And if you don't but would like to, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and find

out more about what you can, if you want to, give. The website where you can see pictures. And also, they get stuff, don't they? Because of the tears. Yeah. Because of the tears. Yeah. I'm not getting into it.

You're not getting into that? I just want to make the endings brief because they go on for too long oh do they so I just want to get to the facts alright

the website I'll give you a fact thecheapshow.co.uk for pictures and videos for every episode you smell that's a fact there's also

everyone smells we're also on twitter at thecheapshowpod I'm at paulgannonshow Eli is I'm at twitter on Eli Snowid which you spell E L i s n o i d e l

i s n o i d e l i s n o i d i d ah he's stabbing my leg eli snide ah He's thrown a tool at my chest. Thrown my tool at your chest. Eli Snide, E-L-I-S-N-I-D. Good. So, we're also on Reddit. You can find us there. If you just look for Cheap Show, you can find us on Facebook. You can find us on Instagram if you look for Cheap Show. Just look for Cheap Show.

You'll probably find us. Subscribe as well on iTunes and give a review because that helps us apparently. So, there you go. We have to rub Apple's big fucking balls like to get any pleasure from it. But if you can do that, we'd appreciate it. And that's it. In a nutshell. Paul.

Coming up in future episodes, as you mentioned. Paul. Yeah. How big is my beard getting? Pretty bushy. Yeah. Yeah. It could get a good old scrub on, couldn't you?

Yeah. Nuzzle. No. I'm going scrabbles now. Scrabble. I'll give you an oily Scrabble, this ends. I'll give you an oily Scrabble. Hopefully a car boot sale coming up soon.

Car boot special. Car boot sale special. Car boot sale special. And we're also going to do a fashion episode of Cheap Show. Oh yes, so trashy. The awards ceremony. You're so trashy. Thanks to Rhiannon for spearheading that. Stinky. Stinky trashy. Thanks to Rhiannon. Oh, it's stinky. We've been spearheading that. Stinky trashy.

And also, we are going back to game show TV. Oh, yeah. We've got some brand new game show board games. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And we might even get Biffo and Ash back for that and make it a big celebrity. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Do you actually know we're making a podcast right now or are you fucking gone? That's what you were like during the last segment, mate. Yeah? Don't fucking bring it round. Try and blame me for something. Ow! Just don't throw stuff at me.

That's it. This podcast's over. Goodbye. This podcast is over. Scrubbles. Oily scrubbles. Oily Grubbles.