CheapShow - Ep 111: Mr. Monkey

Episode Date: January 25, 2019

We hear you like it hot? Well, CheapShow gets all hot and bothered over more prized chilli sauces in Eli's favourite new segment "The Hot Sauce Experience". Sadly, this time it ends in a lot of stupid pain. Elsewhere in the world's best economy comedy podcast... Paul gets to explore a box of "Fröth" with some salty surprises and then later discover why Eli storms off at the end of The Price Of Shite: BFG Edition! However, regardless of all this, just who is controlling the thoughts of Mr. Monkey? Find out in Episode 111! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-110-the-sp…rmilk-fallout If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right, can we start the podcast now? Yeah. Have we? No, we can start now. I don't... That wasn't really an intro, I just... You told me that wasn't an intro. It wasn't an intro.

And I know intros. No, you don't. Hello, everybody. It's Eli Silverman here. It's episode 110. Did I say you could start? What? I'm making some notes.

Did I say you could start doing the intro? I don't care. Here I am. I'm Eli Silverman, and this is another episode... I don't believe I've allowed You start You do the intro When I tell you to

Right Go Just start again Do your intro Think we do a clap No It's only for syncing with film We don't need to clap

No We don't need to clap Just do a fucking intro Hi Paul Do you want me to do an intro Do you want me to do an intro Yeah Do you want me to do an intro? Yeah, please. Go on.

Go for it while you can. Whoa. What? Don't do the clappy monkey. The clappy monkey help you out. The clappy monkey help. He helps you do the intro. Where's the singer of the clappy monkey song from, Paul?

Africa? No, Paris. The monkey like to click. I know. The monkey like to click now he's now he like to ting the monkey will help you out he'll make you dance and sing the monkey hello everybody he stole my monkey hello everybody it's Eli Silverman here it's another episode of cheap Show with myself and Paul Gannon regaling you and titillating you, exciting your nether regions with all spiffy spoffy bits of bit and butter. I've got a bit of butter

on my knife. I'll never get a bit of better bit of butter on my knife. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. fucking noodle posse fact the Tales from the Dark How's the big guy? A fight of the shite

It's a good gun and take a loan Eli Silver Welcome to Cheap Show They're not going on nuzzle Yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargain bins, the charity shops, the thrift stores, the boot sales of Great Britain and beyond And you'll never get a bit of better on your knife Fuck it, you

Don't stop it You know what, I wish I'd never mentioned that monkey now Well, you shouldn't have picked the monkey up from out of the sauce trough. The reimagined sauce trough. The rebooted sauce trough. Yes. It's sauce trough 2.0. Yeah.

It's got chilli sauce in it. Yeah, it's got all kinds. It's got a Kit Kat on it as well still. Yeah. It's got some Chew-Its. It's got Chew-Its. It's got snaps. And you know what?

If you literally took that desk as it stands and put it in the Tate, I'd put money on you winning the Turner Prize. For what? For that. What would I call it? My bumhole. What would Tracy Emin call it? She'd call it desk, which I've shat on or something.

What would you call it then? If this was art, your mound, what would you call it? What was it expressing? Sadness of the splodges. Hello and welcome to Art. On Art Podcast today, we're speaking to revolutionary artist Eli Silverman. Now, Eli, I've been following your work for some time now. Sorry, can I interrupt before we start?

Say hello to the monkey. Monkey angry. Hello. Say hello to monkey.. Monkey angry. Hello. Say hello to monkey. Hello monkey. I will be speaking through monkeys.

Okay, well, can you maybe tell us about how you first started working in modern art? What's your inspiration? Monkey says I shouldn't talk about that.

So what? The monkey knows what you're thinking and then it tells you what to say back to me. That makes no fucking sense. You're meant to like just say nothing. Monkey doesn't like your tone. Well, that's a good say back to me. That makes no fucking sense. You're meant to like just say nothing.

Monkey doesn't like your tone. Well, that's a good... I think that's the monkey's fucking opinion. Monkey says this interview is over. I hate you. I hate you.

It's meant to be yes and with bloody improv. Unless you want some... What? Ooh. And. Yes. And.

Right. Oh, what have we got coming up with the... Fucking taking the monkey You're so childish Coming up on the show today What is it Mr Monkey He doesn't speak to you

Oh really Mr Monkey I'm looking forward to that bit of the show No Really What else is coming up You have to translate what the monkey's saying. If you can't understand the monkey, then you can't listen to Cheap Show. So we've got...

Coming up. Yeah, you said that. And? Yeah, and we've got that. And then finally what we're ending with. I can't believe it, Mr. Monkey. You've just nicked my gag. You've nicked the monkey from me and you're doing my... that joke.

Reworked it and made it better. Reworked nothing. It's better. Reworked nothing. It's a monkey kind of speak through me. Oh, it's telling me what to think now. No, you're doing an impression. You're literally doing an impression of me. Yeah. This is content for you.

Yeah. Copy Eli. It's really dying out there. It's got a really bad cough. I don't know what to say. I doubt you'll pick it up too much on the podcast, but it literally sounds like Rogan is reenacting the scene from Poltergeist 2 with the whiskey maggot scene.

Where the maggot comes out. Wow. That's good. Put the monkey away. We'll have a monkey truce. Bye-bye, monkey. Bye-bye. That's what's coming up on the show today, so let's get started.

Cast your mind back to October 2018. We did a show. A live show. And we were given many lovely things by our audience while we were there. Remember? Yes. We got lovely sweets and noodles. We had a bespoke price of shite.

Yes, we had all kinds of fun things given to us, but there's a few things... A bag of rubbers. A bag of rubbers. If you know what I mean. No. A prawn sandwich. If you know what I mean. See, you're copying my stuff now.

Well, maybe if... I do my stuff, Paul, and you just do shit. Like, where's the song? We haven't had a song from you yet. I'll cut you off. So you don't want an original song, you just want a cover. You don't do original songs. Who sang that?

Iron Butterfly. Iron Butterfly. Iron Butterfly. That's from The Simpsons, isn't it? That's what they call it. Really? When Bart makes the church organist play In the Garden of Eden,

he says it's In the Garden of Eden by Iron Butterfly. That's back when The Simpsons was good. Hot take! Hot take! But The Simpsons was good. Hot take. Hot take. But The Simpsons still exists. Yeah, still going strong. But just has no sort of influence on anything.

I mean, look, I think it exists simply to be known as the longest running animated sitcom of all time. You know what I mean? I think that's the only reason it's still going right now. To be fair, Fox still probably makes a shit ton of money. And soon, Disney will be making that money because Fox is buying Disney. Isn't it vice versa?

Oh yeah, sorry, Disney. I'm sure when Disney said, what have Fox got? They went, oh, all those Marvel characters we don't have. Oh, and Disney. Oh, and Avatar. They probably went, yeah, we'll have that. Simpsons and Avatar. They're going to make a bit of money. And will they still be racist?

Do their racist news programs? Disney. Fox. No, it's not. I don't believe Fox News is part of the deal. I don't believe it. I think, I don't know. I don't want to talk about that.

I don't know what you want to talk about. I want to talk about what I was given at the live show. Oh, of course. So, unfortunately, like all things, because a name wasn't put on it, was this the same guy who gave us what it says on it he's put a sticker on and it says froth it says froth

I was given it with an umlaut an umlaut do you know what that does to the letter O in pronunciation terms it makes O R

into U and what about U it makes it an O froth froth froth so yeah I was given a little box

it came in a little package it's a little white box. My Frith ship. With the words froth written on it in black. Frith. Pronounce it right. Come on. No.

Oh, see, I'm gone. Hello. Hello. Is it a character? No. Maybe I can coax it out. Come on. Come on.

There's no character here. Yeah, come on. Frith. There we go. He's here. Come on. You just need to... Come on, mate. Come on, mate. Come on now. You want to... Come on. Come say go. He's here. Come on. Come on, mate.

Come on, mate. Come on now. You want to come on. Come say hello to all your friends. I'm a meddler. I'm into fruit. My band is called Fruit. Who is it, ladies and gentlemen?

It's something Cunnyhole. Now I've forgotten his name. It's not Johnny Cunnyhole. Who is it? He'll be coming back. Yeah. At some point. So who's that?

He's a new guy. Who sounds exactly the same? No, he doesn't sound like Johnny Cunninghull. No, he does. I beg to differ, but he does. Okay, it's Johnny Cunninghull. Oh, Johnny Cunninghull. Oh.

Fruit. I've got a new fruit-flavoured drink. It's very syrupy. It's got fruit and fruit juice. Right, so let's just crack on with the show. So, got a little box. Can't remember who it was, but if it is you, get in touch and say hello and we'll give you credit for it. Are you opening it up now?

I'm opening it up now. Can I see it? Yeah. Oh, look in the box. So there's a little couple of things in it. Hey, he's got his... Paul, he has... We're talking to the mic.

This is something... This is like an actual box, I think. I don't know if he's made this himself. He's printed out a little thing. But I think what he's done is he's tried to affect, like, an Ikea flat pack situation. Yes. So you open it up and look, there's an Allen key. And there's a little, I could have done with that on a bike ride the other day.

Well, it might not have fit. You don't know. You just don't know. No, that's a standard Allen. That's for good old cupboards and drawers, that, isn't it? No, that's for, like, bike seats. Is it? Yeah.

I mean, you use them for putting flat pack shit together, though. You do. Who was Alan? Who was Alan? Call it Alan Key. Well, he wasn't called... He was actually called John Alan. Really?

Is this a fact now, or are you just making it up? It's a fact. All right. He's called John Alan. He had seven daughters, and he split the Alan Key... What's this grumbly noise? He had seven tortoises. Tortoises?

Are you slowly becoming fucking Schmeagle? They're preciouses. He had sevens as tortoises. One was called Anne. Yeah. One was called Anne 2. I'm just going to see this through. I'm just going to kick back, ladies and gentlemen,

and see where Eli goes with this. Anne 3. Yeah. Jenny. Yeah. Jenny 1. Right. So back, ladies and gentlemen, and see where Eli goes with this. Then there was Anne 3, Jenny, Jenny 1. Right. So there's Jenny and then Jenny 1, not Jenny 2. No. Right. Anne.

Anne 2. Anne 2. Or Anne. Anne 2. It's a woman. She wouldn't be called Anne. No, but I don't... Oh, here, look. Here. It's my wife. Anne. No, I was saying, were you saying Anne? No, that's her name, Anne. Were you saying Anne? Hello. Or Anne? Ding dong. You fat-mouthed prick. Why can't you fucking just... Fat

mouthed prick. Yeah. And his other two daughters were just called the other two. Right, and so, right, great. So that's the back up. And he lived in a kingdom. Yeah. And he had a big castle shaped like a key. Alan Key. Ladies and gentlemen, Ladies and gentlemen.

I believe we're all disappointed with the way that turned out. I don't know. I don't know the answer to your question. I reckon it was someone called Alan though, wasn't it? I don't know. I mean, I'm not in the mood to check the internet today. So if you want to know or you do know, tell us on Reddit or Twitter. And did you see I was right about sod?

No. Sod being a shortening of Sodomite. Well, I presume that was right. But what do you mean, did you hear I was right? Someone put it on Twitter and said Eli was right. Eli is right. Eli is sexist and a hate monger. No.

That makes a lot of sense. He's a bit of a hate monger. I don't think we should record a show today. No, I think we should now. We're doing it. Okay now We're doing it Okay We're doing it So Fruth So he's given us a little piece of paper on the top

Which looks like the flat pack directions Yes Again I don't know It looks like he's printed it out Well this also could be You know like Stuart reviews on his channel A Luke Crate style thing Yeah that's what it looks like to me

But it happens to be called Fruth So there are four things in here. There's a little man, and he's explaining. What are the four things we're going to look for here? I'll just tell you in advance, shall we? That's what I'm saying. Read out the list of things to me. Don't look at me like that.

I'm trying to give a bit more fucking explanation to this. There's a piece of paper in a box, everyone. And it's been printed, and it's like an IKEA instructions manual. The first thing in the box is called Turkish Piba. Turkish pepper. It's Finnish. It's a spicy licorice boiled sweet.

The next one is Saltakatten. Salty cat. It's Finnish and it's salted licorice. Is there anything that isn't licorice in this? No, that was it. That's all the licorice stuff out the way. Really?

Next one is called keks, a biscuit. It's Swedish, and it's a chocolate wafer. Okay. And finally, plop. Plop, Swedish chocolate with toffee filling. Special toffee filling. I've had special toffee lately. Really?

Mate. I had three distinct types of shit in one when I was out in the States, Paul. What, at the same time? Yeah. Great. So solid, liquid and gas. No, it went solid, then in between, slurry, and then finishing with liquid.

All in one pan. Can you imagine that in the middle of the night? I was simultaneously disturbed and impressed with myself. It was really hard. What's going on with this podcast? What's happened to this podcast? What's happened? It's always been about shit.

Everything's about shit. We're never going to win any awards. What else is there? We're never going to get mainstream success, are we? We're never going to get Richard Herring on this podcast. He wouldn't want to come on. He might. He doesn't talk about shit. He might.

He doesn't talk about spoffing quietly on people's heads when they're asleep. It's funny that, isn't it? Richard Herring. Talking of characters, Paul. Right. Do you know Leaky Kenya? Yeah. And Leaky Norman?

Yeah. Squishy Jim. They've got... And Squishy Jim, but Squishy Jim's someone else. It's a bit like Santa. He needs help. He can't get around the world and give all the children his presents all in one night. So he has elves to help him.

Well, Leaky Ken has a helper. Pre-cum John. Pre-cum... Oh, fuck it, Al! Pre-cum John. That's right. And what does pre-cum John. Precum John. Oh, fuck it, Al. Precum John. That's right. And what does Precum John sound like? I just help out Leaky.

So it sounds like Leaky Jim then. Like Leaky Ken is my friend. And I help him on Precum John. I'm very professional. What do you do? Precum John. I deposit pearly little globules of translucent Precum onto people's heads and noses

whilst they're asleep, especially yours. I've done a lot of work on you. We're never going to get Mark Dolan on this podcast, are we? In the name of Ken, Ken goes, John, that's my name. Michael McIntyre won't come on the show. He goes, come round here. I've got a Gannon.

I've got a Gannon. Can't even get a Russell Howard. When he says Gannon, I know. I fill my box With beads of pre-cum I take a Jingle jingle jangle Shingle shingle shangle

Quiggily whiff I'm over there Stuart Lee will hate this Stuart Lee will listen to this And hate this podcast I'm pre-cum John I sprinkle income All over your mouth

All those comedy judges Best podcast of the year Don't like They'll listen to this And they are fucking nothing Fucking nothing I'm off then I'm pre-cum John Right good Right we've got the best podcast of the year, don't listen to this. They are fucking nothing. Fucking nothing. Well, I'm off then. I'm pre-cum junk.

Right, good. Right, we've got the next bit of the show. Let's eat stuff. Right, we're going to start with Turkish pepper. Pepper. Turkish pepper. Which is a spicy licorice boiled sweet from Finland. Let's see.

I'll let you feast upon. Now, it's got a kind of... Warning. Warning. Do not pass. Warning. Do not pass! Warning! Do not come here! Hazard!

Hazard! Style package, isn't it? Hazard! Do not pass! It does have a... There's Turkish pepper! It's going to burn your arse! Well, it does say spicy.

Burn your eyes out! You'll be burning all over you! Especially in your never-origins. Right. You're on fire today, Silverman. I'll tell you what's on fire. Yeah? Me knob! Right, good. I'm opening it. Right. It's on fire today, Silverman. I'll tell you what's on fire. Yeah? My knob!

Right, good. I'm opening it. Right. It's made by phaser. But I won't be phased. Fucking hell! Right, come on. Right.

Now, what are your feelings about licorice as a category of foodstuff? I enjoy licorice, but there are limits. Right. I like rope licorice as a category of food stuff? I enjoy licorice, but there are limits. Right. I like rope licorice. Yeah. I don't like red licorice because it's not licorice really, is it?

No, I like red licorice because I like red licorice for exactly the same reason. No, really. It's not licorice. It's more of a gummy though, isn't it? It's a strawberry gummy,

isn't it? It's a fucking strawberry gummy. Like a Twizzler, isn't it? It's not got licorice in it, does it? What else do I like? I like all sorts, depending on my mood.

Licorice all sorts, they're quite nice. I hate those. But ultimately, I don't I like all sorts, depending on my mood. Licorice all sorts, they're quite nice. I hate those. But ultimately, I don't know. Aniseed I can deal with. Yeah, I like aniseed balls. But licorice is just a step too far. It's got a very deep licorice flavour.

You like that smell? I do. Yeah, I don't like that smell. So it's a boiled sweet and it's going in me gob. I'm going to put one in as well. Oh, it's very licorice-y. And Eli is not happy with the outcome. Dip it in your fizzy toilet.

I'm not going to dip it in any fizzy toilet. Oh, maybe don't dip it in the fizzy toilet because it looks like a fizzy toilet then. Is it all clotted? It's all got clammy in there. Someone suggested what a fizzy toilet would be. And? It's when a lady puts sherbet on Someone suggested what a fizzy toilet would be. And? It's when a lady puts sherbet on her vagina and pisses on your chest. Oh, that Matt who wrote that?

No, he's fucking mental. That's quite nice. It's all right. I'm going to bite into it, see if there's something on the centre. Oh, yeah. What the fuck's that? Oh, what the fuck the hell is that? Bit in there.

I'm just going to eat it. You're just going to eat it? Because if I go in, I got... I got to vomit, vomit. Just get it down you. Get it down you. What was that? Now, let's describe to the down, yeah. Get it down, yeah. What was that? Now, let's describe to the listeners what happened when we both bit into it.

It's full of salty, nasty guck. Salty, fizzy, fiery fizz. It's like a peppery. It was very strange. Very strong. It was very intense for a hot minute, and then it just literally disappeared. Left you with a little eat-a-crush again. But it was a shock

yeah very nasty did not like that at all I don't like that type of it's a very deep deep licorice flavour that's an intense licorice flavour oh I'm chewing it now

and it it's very strong I mean I suppose if you like that but it's too much licorice for me I mean I don't like any but that's way too much I do not like that

so do you want to break let's break up the licorice, man, with some chocolate. Would you like plop or kegs? I'd like to plop in my kegs. What do you want? I'd like a kegs, please. Kegs. All right, here you go.

Have a look at kegs. Kegs is one each. All right. But actually, just break it in half. We'll have that. You want to save the other kegs, yeah? Yeah. This is...

Are you okay? I mean, yeah, but I'm just taking my time with it. Kegs. They're made by Cloetta. Is it made by a pigeon's

combined sexual and fecal organs? Coacle Channel. Yeah. It looks like a pretty standard milk chocolate snack wafer biscuit thing.

Fair enough. That's all. Fair enough. It's got a... That's what it smells like. That's what it looks like. It's segmented so you can easily snap a bit off. Snap a bit off.

In a similar way to a Kit Kat maybe. Or a plop. There you go. Snaps quite nicely. Snaps cleanly off. This is a gob. In every way unremarkable. Yeah, but... Not unpleasant. Not unpleasant. this is a gob in every way unremarkable yeah but not unpleasant

not unpleasant if you're imagining if you're guessing what this tastes like in your brain you're probably right wafer bit of chocolate

tastes fine I've got a little bit of licorice in my mouth so it's still maybe it's being tainted by that washed it away for me because I gave the licorice

an old spitty spitty outy okay so first item out of five I'm giving it two. I like licorice but I didn't approve

of the centre. I'll give it one. I just thought they're just horror balls. Mm-hmm. Horror balls. Hey, that would be a good 80s kids

TV cartoon toy crossover. Horror balls. Horror balls. Do you like scaring your sister? Wait till she comes in your room and sees your horror balls. Mad balls, you mean.

Is that what they were? Mad balls? They were mad balls, yeah. I think they should have done an extreme. Mad balls extreme. Horror balls. Tell you what I saw, which was horror balls. I was watching that last podcast on the left, live show.

Yeah. At the end of every live show, they do a video thing where they go, one for us, one for you. So a really horrible video, followed by a really lovely one, at the end of every live show, they do a video thing where they go, one for us, one for you. So like a really horrible video, followed by a really lovely one, take the taste away. So it's like something horrible, and then a puppy dancing.

The very last image they showed, I will never unsee. It was a penis and balls, riddled, riddled with puss and maggots, swarming over it. His penis looked like a magic eye poster full of maggots.

Was he dead? No. What was wrong with him? I don't know. He might have been very poor, homeless. Maybe it was just a thing. Who knows? Either way...

Were they coming actually out of the flesh? In and out of the flesh, burrowing in, coming out, hanging out. You know you can see a beard of bees on her face. It was like a beard of maggots. Imagine a beard of maggots on someone's balls and dick. I clearly don't want it. I don't want to ever see that.

Anyway, they're horribles. They are horribles. Next one, we're going back to salty licorice. And this is just salty cat, which is just licorice. Now, these are smaller, are they? Oh, much smaller. I think I'll like these. Are they more gummy-like?

They're a bit more gummy. They are gummies, aren't they, essentially? What are they shaped like? They're shaped like little bombs. They're all little fish. Cats. Because there's a cat on there. Yeah, but where's the...

It's a little putty cat. Oh, it is a little putty cat. Meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow. Oh, my asshole tastes of licorice. When I lick it, which I do. I lick my own asshole.

You need to work on your characters at the moment what do you mean I need to you haven't had how many characters have you had this show I'm not doing any I'm boiling them down

exactly because you've got none I've got loads but people are tiring of such characters anyway here's the next fucking one I wasn't doing a character

I was just going meow me lick me asshole nice nice simple salty licorice now I don't like lick salty licorice too much but that's nice you like that?

Yeah Because the texture helps it The broad sweet element Of the first one I just don't like The taste of licorice I'd give that A three

I've spat it out Once again You've spat it out It's nasty I'm giving that a three I'll give it half a point Oh And worse than the broad sweets

You gave them one I'll give them Half and this one. All right. Well, finally, Eli, I'd like to plop in your mouth. I want to unwrap my gift to you, have you open your mouth, and put a big plop in your gob. Is that all right?

Well, no. Eat my plop. No. Eat my plop. Plop. Plop. This is also made by two peas. Oh, it's by Coaca.

Yeah, it's made by a chicken's combined bum and vagina yay don't you wish you had one they have penises though

but no what no wee comes out of their penis does it I don't know no that's what it is alright they

birds neither shit nor piss now this is a a stronger huff yeah this is a it's another little segmented bar, however. Toffee with, chocolate with toffee filling. And I can see the toffee has formed a sort of gooey sheet

as I snapped a segment off the top of this plop. And I'm going to hand it to you, Paul. I'm going to snap off some plop now. Snap off a segment of plop there. And here we go. It's not very toffee-like flavour, is it? I don't like it.

It's a marzipan almost flavour to the toffee, isn't it? Oh, he's put it in the spit bowl. Yeah, don't like that. Why? Because of the marzipan-ness. It's a bit flowery. It's a bit like, yeah, very marzipany. I quite like it. That's not what I was expecting.

It doesn't have a sort of burnt caramel flavour that toffee usually has. I wouldn't even call that toffee really. I wouldn't call it toffee. It's more like a kind of caramel? It's like a watery marzipan. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Two. Very almondy. It wasn't unpleasant but I couldn't eat any more of that. I'll give it two.

Funnily enough, two and a half. Plop was a number two. Hey! So there you go. That was the froth box Thank you very much For sending that in Hang on This just in

Alright This just in Hold the press Wait Come back down the tunnel Mr Gannon Mr Silverman Yeah

We've got one more thing for you Alright What is it? This just in It came from the President! The President? That's right! That's exciting!

Here you go, here you go Mr. Silverman. Now Paul, I've just been- Goodbye Mr. President! No, he was there, he was just the messenger. The President of Cheap Show, he can't reveal who that is. Paul, I showed you these before the show. Who is the President? The mystery continues.

Now Paul A couple of episodes ago I tasted Because I'm brave And I'm committed I'm committed to making I've just drawn Stop the press

I've just drawn a cock and ball Oh mate I wouldn't have done that Because that has all the notes For the show on So I know what happens next You dickhead Oh no

Oh no You stupid Fucking hairy wank Right You're going to eat A salt and pepper cricket Right That's what You stupid fucking hairy wanker. Right. You're going to eat a salt and pepper cricket. Right. That's the nub.

That's the rub of it. You've refused to eat a salted cricket last... You didn't even rip up the cock and balls. I don't want to rip up the cock and balls. I like the cock and balls. I'm going to put that on my pin board and think, every day I must strive to be like the cock and balls. Every day. Now. Right, like the cock and balls. Every day.

Now. Right, go on. These are crickets. Yeah. Grasshoppers, whatever you want to call them. But these are salt and vinegar flavour. Right. This could be a whole new world of insect taste enjoyment.

A whole new world. A new exciting point of view. This isn't exactly froth. This is like a savoury. We've had our sweeties. Now let's have our savoury crickets, salt and vinegar flavour. And they are made by Jimmy's. Get it?

No. Jiminy Cricket. Oh, Jiminy Cricket. Well, then it should say Jiminy's. It does. Oh, well, then you said it wrong. I said it wrong. Oh, well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, you're so happy. Look. Get the huff on these crickets, salt and vinegar. It's going to just smell crispy and salt. Well, just tell me, because I gentlemen. Oh, you're so happy. Look. Get the huff on these crickets. Salt and vinegar. It's going to just smell crispy and salty. Well, just tell me, because I've got a bit of a blocked nose. It smells like cockles. Mate, I'm not eating that. You have to eat it.

No, I don't have to. There's no rule. There is not. You know what? What? I'm going to call the president of Cheap Show. You are? Yeah.

I've got his number. I just don't know who it is. Why have you got his number, then? You know what? What? I'm going to call the President of Cheapshow. You are? Yeah. I've got his number, I just don't know who it is. Beep boop boop dee da boop do da beep boop. Why have you got his number then? For emergencies like this. Hello, yeah, it's Paul Gannon from Cheapshow. Can I speak to the President please?

I'll just put it through Mr Gannon. Thank you. Hello? Hello Mr President. Who's this? I haven't got much time. No, it's interesting actually Mr President. You're meant to be a voice.

You've got ten seconds. I'm about to spoff on my secretary's head. She's restrained. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr No, it's interesting actually, Mr President. You've got ten seconds. I'm about to spoff on my secretary's head. She's restrained. Yeah, go on. I figured out who the president is. Who? I'm not interested.

Right. So, now he said I don't have to eat them. He didn't say shit. I overheard. He just seemed to be spoffing someone. Because the point of that little scene was he's a voiceless character that I'm meant to talk to in private to get myself out of eating them. You adding your Richard Brandoff character to it. That's who he is.

We all know that's who the president is. He's the top character. He's not the top character. He's the boss character. He's the end of level boss. No, there's someone behind him. Who? A mystery person.

He's just the face of the president of Cheap Show. You must try one of my salt and pepper Jiminy Crickets No Because I'll barf You will not barf Because my brain will not get past the idea that I'm eating bugs Therefore I'll put it in my mouth and probably gag And it'll go gooey in my mouth

For the second time in three episodes I will be the hero that everyone deserves And save this show from ignominity I'm going to stab you with this pencil. Do not stab me. In the fucking temple. Paul. I'm going to put it right in and make a kebab out of your eyes.

That's what I'm going to do. I am tasting right now for the listeners. How much were they out of interest? They were a gift. I do not know how much they were. All right. Well, then, because I'm beginning to wonder about the cheap show policy of, you know, spending not too much money on stuff. Well, I spent zero!

Is that cheap enough for you? I mean, yeah. You traitor! You absolute traitor! Just fucking come on. It's already 25 minutes. Yeah? How's that working for you? Not very well. Yeah, no? Is it horrible? Is the texture nasty? Does the flavour not work with the

texture? Have you just put a dead bug in your mouth because you wanted me to have one, but I've stood my ground? What? Stood your ground? We meant to do this for the show, Paul. No. Eat one.

No. At no point did Cheap Show ever become a let's eat wacky shit show. It did in the early days. We were desperate. No, we don't. I don't have to. Well, do you want the report on the Jiminy Cricket salt and vinegar flavour? Yeah.

They weren't very nice. Welcome to Cheap Show. That's the end of that segment. We'll move on. I had two. Good. Bye. That was cheap.

I'm not saying goodbye for this section. I am. I like to say goodbye to all my sections. Hello. See you in literally no time at all after a jingle jangle noise. Hello again. Well, that wasn't very long, was it? I've still got dead bug in my mouth.

It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's that fucking price of shite. And that's right. Come on. 2019's first price of shite as far as I remember. Oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof.

Might be the second. I don't know. No, we haven't done one. No, we're doing the price of shite BFG edition. Ah. And BFG stands for bought, found, given. So I have three items today. One was bought,

one was found, one was given. I just have to do something there. It's like dry bug, bug licorice, chocolate It's all just swilling around in the back of my throat. You know what? When you think about what we've just put or what you've just put in your mouth, you've put savoury, sweet, candy

boiled, sweet, gooey It's all bubbling over. Is it coming up? It's coming up. It's there. Is it Arctic Monkeys reference? Was it? It wasn't? No, it was Gorillas.

Monkey Gorillas. It's there. I like that. I don't want you, baby. Oh, then how? It's there. There you go. I want you, baby Hold it now It's there There you go We're available for parties

Right, Paul Me and Eli are the premier UK Gorillaz cover act What's the other songs they did? I don't know They did that one They did that one It's there It's there Anyway

It's time now Price is right BFG edition I have A thing We've gone to many charity shops But we never really buy books And yet

Charity shops are often festooned They are festooned with books But what you name Mornley Yeah go on mate What you normally get in a bookshop is terrible. Ruth Rendall

books and you used to get like Dick Francis. Yeah. How many books did Dick Francis quotation marks actually write? It was his wife, wasn't it? Oh, I don't know too much about Dick Francis. Dick Francis was a successful jockey. Horse jockey? Yes. Okay.

It's a disc jockey, I don't know. Or successful jockey. Horse jockey? Yes. Okay. You might have said disc jockey. I don't know. Or knob jockey. I don't know. Paul. What? No. It's there.

I wouldn't have said jockey if I meant disc jockey, would I? I don't know. Just admit that. No, just admit that. No. Yeah. I don't have to. This is Paul's show.

So I wouldn't have said jockey if I met this jockey And What other kind of jockeys are there Knob jockey No No I would have said knob jockey If I'd met knob jockey Right well

Knob jockey Is a phrase you made up Back in the 90s It's there And I've never heard anyone Say knob jockey before So anyway On the show

Jockey I We've never really touched books In the show that often Dick Francis Now don't give a fuck about that Or jockeys He was a jockey before. So anyway, on the show, Jockey! We've never really touched books in the show that often. Dick Francis. Now don't give a fuck about that or jockeys.

He was a jockey. But his wife wrote his books. And? Were they horse-based books? They were horse-based thrillers. Set around race courses. The race games, yeah. Oh, boring fucking topic.

Yeah, there's loads of them. Thousands. Oh, who did it, officer? It was a jockey. It was the horse. The horse did the boy down. Now you can see, the assailant must have been about three foot tall to get in here. It was the jockey.

For some reason, though, a tiny... Oh, the assailant was eating hay. It's the horse. We found tiny little footprints walking away from the crime scene. Aha, that'll be the jockey, so it will. Ah, we found big... You'll never get me. Oh no, there's a twist.

It turns out the horse was wearing little tiny shoes under its feet. It got away with it because we thought there were two murders but there was actually one. It was the horse.

You'll never find me so you won't. You'll never catch me alive. Anyway, I've got three fucking books. Let's do it. One was bought. Yeah. One was given.

Given. And one was found. Found. So you now have to tell me, out of the three books, which was bought, given or found. Ready? Let's see this. Let's see the first book. Here's the first book.

Go. This is the bumper book of fads and crazes. Written by Richard Lewis, author of the encyclopedia of cult children's TV. That was quite a popular book, I think. I believe so, but I don't know. This is very good. Hello Kitty, it's got in there. It's got all entries of different fads.

Lego, clackers. Do you remember clackers? Yeah. No, that's the monkey. Similar sound. All right. You clack your balls together. Legwarmers.

Can you make the noise of them? I don't know. That's someone dying. Now, legwarmers. I didn't need legwarmers as a child, as you know. No, because you sleep on my junkie. Yeah, you were very progressive. But that was a very big phase.

So, yeah, it's a book that lists all the kind of fads and crazes and toys and things that were popular. Marbles. We were talking about those a couple of weeks ago. It's all sorts of lovely things in there. The maternity smock. What? I mean, look, not all of it's for kids. Some of it is like adult-based.

The maternity smock? I don't know. That's like those dresses pregnant women used to wear. The shrinky dink. A shrinky dink. Do you remember that? What's that? Was the shrinky dink the thing you put in water and it grew?

Open your cereal packet. Yeah, open the cereal packet. Pull out the large flat disc of plastic printed with a goofy design and colour it with felt. Yeah. Then preheat your oven. Oh. And bake for two to three minutes. When it's done, your colouring will have reduced to the size of a postage stamp.

It can then be thrown away or simply lost. Oh. It's like when you used to put Monster Munch packets in. Monster Munch packets? Monster Munch packets In the oven They shrink Something like that isn't it So what does it shrink in the oven then

It shrinks yeah It's called a shrinky dink That's the clue Alright It's a clue for you Paul A clue Wacky wall walker I remember the wacky wall walker

Do you remember that Is that the thing you throw at a wall And it kind of Floppy flop flop The weeble Your penis No one ever threw my penis at a wall

and it flibby flobbed down that's a shame right so that's the first book right happy with that I'm happy next book here's the next one for you

what's this one it's all in the game a short history of board games ah gift gift gift gift gift I'm reading that book at the current moment what's it like

fascinating because um two of the biggest games in there that they start off with, first of all, they talk about backgammon and chess, so that's fair enough. But they also talk about Monopoly and the Game of Life. And in both instances, they came out of... Protest.

Austerity and protest. So you look at the Game of Life, and Milton Bradley was a very poor print designer who was going through a rough patch because not many people were buying his works. People still play

the game of life. Yeah. Still huge. Still big. The book says they sold this year 1.7 million copies. Have you ever played it?

I've never played it. Yeah, yeah. It's similar. You have to collect money and houses. No, you have a little car. You collect people. You build a family.

You go around. You split. You go via art college or you can go straight into work. It's similar to Monopoly in its gameplay. No, you have a little car, you collect people, you build a family, you go around, you split, you go via college or you can go straight into work. It's similar to Monopoly in its gameplay. Well, no, because there's a lot less finagling of cash and deals. Yes, but you go around, you land on things and you collect money and buy. But towards the end of the game, you've got to find some kind of retirement that brings you happiness.

It's changed many times, but it started off as a religious... To reflect social norms and political sort of correctness of the time yeah it used to be like the black people move into the neighbourhood

so you have to move it wasn't ever that bad in fact that was the problem with it it didn't really touch on anything outside of what a white middle class person

might experience in their life so the original game was called Mansion of Happiness it was some kind of religious board game and Milton Bradley

sat down and played it and thought it was nice, but he needed his own version of it, long story short. In order to sell it. Because it was one of those games where it was so religious where you're punished for sloth

and you'd go to that square. The idea you had to get 100 points. So it was a board game where you had to be pious and get through life. But it looked like a chess board game where every other square was a sin or a thing. So he decided to rebrand it and redo it and called it the Christian Game of Life

or something like that. Okay. And similar to how it developed, it became a game where you had to live a very pious life and do good deeds and blah, blah, blah to get to the end and retire happily. Milton Bradley built his career off the back of that game and then fell out of favour.

And then he became a huge brand. Yeah, but then it got sold to another company. They didn't just do, they don't just do the Game of Life now. No, they do all sorts now. MB, it's MB, right? Well, no, because it all got bought

by Hasbro in the end. So long story short. It used to be MB. I'm sure I remember seeing MB on games. Yeah. That must have been Milton Bradley. I don't know, you know, but either way.

MB games is a big thing. It's pretty much existed like that for a little while until, until if I remember rightly, about 1960, the game had been out of, the original game had been out of popularity for like 30, 40 years.

So to celebrate a hundred years of Milton Bradley's, they got this designer here who invented the hula hoop. You know, that guy, they went, you were great at toys because you invented the hula hoop, the biggest toy in America in the 50s. But it was huge in America.

The biggest selling toy of all time. It's one of the biggest fads. It must be in this book. Yeah, well, it might be, but, I'm going to look it up in Fads and Crazies. So the guy who invented the hula hoop,

was asked to redo Game of Life and that's how he added in the family, the point system, the spinning teeter-totter thing. He rebooted the whole thing. He put in the 3D buildings and stuff to make it more tactile and so that's kind of how it is, but it's developed over time to different versions and updated with the times.

And one guy, an independent board game maker called The Real Game of Life, where he puts in things like, if you roll a one, you die at birth and you can't play the game. And things like that. Oh, so really bad shit happens. You take some bad drugs and this happens

or you get drafted into the war. You're dead. Yeah, seriously. There were basically one-shot kills in the game. Right, but that was never used to be You're dead. Yeah, seriously. There were basically one-shot kills in the game. Right. But that was never used to be. Monopoly, however, similar. It started out because in America,

they were trying to come up with this one-tax system. And it was a small movement moving within America where the idea was, forget about all the mini-taxes. Let's just have a land tax. And that way, the person who owns the land and develops, almost communistic but not quite, would own the thing and they would pay one tax and it would all go back into the country. Well, there's a lot of people still today, Paul, that says that's the problem with the inequalities

within the capitalist system is they tax property rather than land. So a lady who was a follower of this one-tax system based a board game that she created on the kind of... She basically did it as a satire. A satire of capital, capitalism. It was called the landlord's she basically did it as a satire. A satire of capitalism. It was called the Landlord's Game and you had to play a landlord and the idea is

to make a satirical point of how people were being ripped off in the 1890s whenever it was. You played it and you go, oh I've learned a lesson that all landlords are bad. However, people didn't get that. They just went, oh I can be a nasty landlord and fuck my friends over in this game. Then it had like three...

Still a shit game though. But it spread and people started like copying it and adding bits to it. So Monopoly isn't so much a creation of one person but like hundreds of people.

Yes. And eventually one guy called Darrow, I think his name is, ripped the idea off, added a few things because the reason why... And copyrighted it.

Because you know like you have the thimble and the matchstick and the iron. That all came about because there were no pieces when you bought the game and people were designing it themselves. So they, you have the thimble and the matchstick and the iron. That all came about because there were no pieces when you bought the game and people were designing it themselves.

So they used household items like thimbles and pins as moving pieces. And that's how it came to be and it grew and developed and became Monopoly. Long story short, people loved it

because it was a game where you fucked people over. People always love those games. The only complaint Monopoly has, by and large, by people who make it and play it, is it goes on for too long. So they've always been trying to refine it to make it a simpler or faster moving game.

The hula hoop craze of the late 50s, we all remember, was formulated and controlled by Richard Knurr. Is this who you mean? Maybe. Richard Knurr and Arthur Spud Merlin of America's Wham-O toy company. Yeah. Wham-O is not the world's most original innovator. Anticipated trends. No, I believe the hula hoop was originally big in Australia. That's right. company yeah whammo is not the world's most original innovator anticipated trends no i believe like the hula hoop was originally big in australia and then it got right and then the guy bought it

and took it to america 57 knur and merlin were tipped off about a hoop twirling in australia by a visiting friend yeah well most of us would probably say really how fascinating and turn back to our color supplement knur and merlin sprung into action yeah they nicked it yeah and whammo is make the whO, that bouncy ball I have, you know that Wham-O bouncy ball? Yeah. They're one of the most original bouncy ball makers. I'm going to

get my Wham-O ball down now. We've seen it before. So that's that second book and it also goes on to talk about Risk and Cluedo and even up to the recent settlements of Catan. It's not every single game but there's some nice pictures in the middle where you get up to the recent settlements of Catan. So it's not every single game, but there's some nice pictures in the middle where you get to see the early versions of Monopoly

and Game of Life. So in the centre, you can see, like, there's the original Monopoly as a landlord's game, and there's the circular thing. Oh, that's like a circular Monopoly board. Yeah, because no one really knew. 1939, 1933. Yeah.

So people would make their own versions and send them around universities or colleges and things like that. Terrible game. I no one really knew. 39, 33. Yeah. So people would make their own versions and send them around universities or colleges and things like that. Terrible game. I don't like it. But it's a fascinating history. Twister.

Mousetrap. Mousetrap. Monogamy. Yeah. I haven't played that. There's that bar in Hackney which is the board game bar. A thousand people playing Catan.

Yeah. It was a huge, it revolutionised tabletop gaming in Catan because it suddenly started bringing people together to enjoy board games again. Yes, because it had a simplicity to it, didn't it?

Yeah. It's a simple game. Because before that, there was very much in the Dungeons & Dragons sort of tables, wargaming, loads of dice and all of that. And it brought it back to just simple strategy. So, great book. And whilst we're talking about games,

I did pick up, as you saw, Paul. Oh, yeah. I keep wanting to say Stack Ridge Stack Market Stack Market yeah which is like an investment game

and a balance game and a balancing dice on top of each other we're going to be playing that in the future in Gannon's Golden Games section okay good

you think we'll have a little look at it well it's a vintage game it's 80s isn't it or 90s it's nice so third and final book do you want to know

what I'm thinking now go on yeah out of these two I'd say that it's all in the game was a gift it's nice so third and final book do you want to know what i'm thinking now go on yeah out of these two i'd say that it's all in the game was a gift it's a hardback it looks like someone's bought that for you as a gift it's a lovely thing and i'd say you bought fads and crazies because you saw it in a charity shop that's what i'm thinking now my decision might be changed by the third item and do you know if if my voice sounds a bit disagreeable yeah it's because you're a horrible man no i've got melted cricket all sloshing around really unsatisfactorily around my gullet brace yourself here's the third and final book i'm braced oh no no ledmonds cosmic ways to change your life positively happy here's a way

you can change yours Noel stop giving me the fear and actually sit on the sofa why is he perching like a cunt on the sofa

because he's casual and all cool the sofa's empty who gets to sit on the sofa they probably did 57 different pictures of around that couch

and that was the one they went with I would have more respect if he was just right up against the camera pressing his nuts grabbing it and going

fuck look at my life I'm gnarly. Let me read you the back. Alright. Cosmic advice that you can use every day. Okay. So this is a book

a self-help book. Do you know when you look at this do you know what this reminds me of? Alan Partridge's Bouncing Back because this was written around the time Deal or No Deal was huge.

Yes. So this is like his first proper comeback after kind of late mid-90s, early 2000s kind of wasteland. Throughout my many ups and downs, the successes and the failures in my life, there has been a consistent and all-embracing belief that a positive attitude produces results. That's what he thinks.

It extends to, if you don't have bad thoughts, you'll never get cancer kind of attitude. But that's it. Acknowledged both as one of the most famous faces on British television and an astute businessman, Noel Edmonds knows what it's like to be a hugely successful person. In this book, he talks about the highs and low points of his career, how he dealt with major changes in his life,

and how his belief in himself and the cosmos has brought him back to the screens in Deal or no deal drawing on his own experiences he tells you how to make your own look stay focused when things are tough be positive in a negatively oriented world play to your strength and step outside your comfort zone ultimately develop your inner strength that will enable you to get the most out of your life what are you waiting for the cosmos is the limit oh fuck oh god i'm just Oh, fuck. Oh, God. I'm just going to read a little bit of the prologue. Not a lot. Not a lot.

So here we go. Noel Edmonds' prologue to his book. Here we go. I am, by nature and nurture, a positive person. Of course, I've had lows, particularly in my personal life. Note, like when that woman you wanted to marry left you and told the papers. And when

through your negligence you killed a man. Yeah. Where failed relationships have caused me considerable anguish and the loss of loved ones and enduring sadness. My resolve has been tested on many such occasions throughout my life but my positive attitude has always seen me through.

However, it wasn't until I read a description of cosmic ordering by Bob Elmore's book, The Cosmic Ordering Service, that I realised my outlook on life was a positive one. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, cosmic ordering, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I believe in the cosmos, Paul. Yeah. Does that mean I get to be rich?

Well, hang on. You know what I'm picturing right now? Big wadja money. Here's what Noel Edmunds says to you. Big wadja money. Do you want to be positively happy, Eli? Yes. No.

First of all, you really have to want to make a commitment to actively, actively changing your life. I really do, and I actively want to. If you don't, then I'm sorry. This book isn't going to help you. No, but no! If you want success and love and happiness that goes with them, you can't wait for others to bring them to you. I want others to bring it to me!

Being truly, positively happy only comes from proactively pursuing what you want to do. Show mine up to people on the street! You're the one with vision and you only have the power to bring it to life. Get my tits out! The intention of this book is to show, in some small way, how my positive relationship with the world and cosmos around me has greatly

improved many aspects of my life and helped me through others. It might work for you. I could shit myself and then they'd have to take me to hospital. What? Give me that. This is a load of shit, Noel. I'm going to read that.

I am going to take time to read it because I think there might be some juicy pills in there that I can bring back for another Noel Watch. So, three books in. Noel, we found Fads and Crazies was purchased. And I'll tell you how much for when I get it right. Hang on, let me write it down first before you do it so I can...

What, how much I think it was. So just so you don't conical, excuse me, I've written down what they are. Okay. Okay. So what did you think the first book, which was The Fads and Things, what do you think that was? I think he bought that. I think it was the B of the F B, FGB. Okay. Alright, what do you think the second book, which is

All in the Game. History of Board Games by Tristan Donovan. Yeah. Was a gift, a Christmas gift. Okay gift you're saying gift there and Noel Edmonds you found it talking to the mic go on and Noel Edmonds he found it somewhere

so you said sorry am I talking into the mic? yes well you meant to it's a podcast get some better mics no get better mic technique you never see me a podcast. Fuck yeah. Get some better mics. No. Get better mic technique. You never see me. It's not quite

important. So you said the first book was bought. The second book was given and the third book was found.

And that is what I've said. The answer is the first book was given, and the third book was found. And that is what I've said. The answer is, the first book, fads and crazers, bought it. That's what I said. Got it from a little charity shop. Well done. It was only a quid. Second book, found.

It's all in the game. It was found. Found under the Christmas tree. Santa put it under the tree. No. Found it under the Christmas tree with my name on. Found it. No, under the tree. No. Found it under the Christmas tree with my name on. Found it. No, I'm not accepting this.

It was a gift, you prick! And the third one was a gift from Chai, who gave it to me when he came to see me and Jem do the... No, no, no. No, you've cheated. You've cheated. You've ruined this game and you've cheated. Found it under a tree.

You found it under a Christmas tree, which is a gift. By definition, it's a gift. No. I found it. I'm walking out. Go on then. Fuck off. That was a hugely successful segment of the Price of Shite.

I won. I won. You cheated. I win by default because you cheated. Two of them were gifts. One was found under a Christmas tree. I can't believe you're saying that to me. And with this look on your face like...

Is it a smug look? Yeah. Good. It's meant to be. But it's not fooling anyone. The point is that I... Cheated at the game. And you're bad. And you did not look...

You're just a bad loser. You're just a big bad... You're an ugly bad loser. I'm getting out the plastic eye patch and I'm going to smear it on you. You can't do that. Because if you do, this pencil's going... You fucking... Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

I beat the shit out of... You come here, you fuck! He's left the room! Like a coward! Bastard! I can't believe you've thrown away the sanctity of this very show. I can't believe you ran like a coward when I challenged you to a fight.

I could just let... I'd just like to let everyone know... I'm so frightened of Big Bad Pockets. I'd just like to know, Paul did get a good wipe on his forehead with the scabby eye patch of your... If I get any rash on here or any dirt, anything... You won't know. Leaky Ken. Leaky Ken helps.

He rubs the dirt from the eye patch in. His ball is like a poultice. Leaky Ken is my poultice. I want a T-shirt. There's your T-shirt. Yeah. Right. Good.

Okay, Paul. Now, to finish off this show this week. Yes. Let's return. Oh week, let's return one more time to the Hardsource Experience. Sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun. Come with me to a corridor. The spices rack the walls. And one thing is for sure.

Those spices are so hot. He's going to stab me again. I'm getting all stabby today. Put the pencil down. Right. No stabbing. Can't promise it. Welcome to Hot Sauce Experience.

I've just realised, Paul, I need to go get a hot sauce from the kitchen. Just hang on. I'm going to have to improvise a song with my friend, Mr. Monkey. Let's have a hot sauce party. Let's have a sexy party.

You and me. Let's get naughty in a hot sauce party. We're going to rub that hot sauce into your tits. I'm going to rub that hot sauce into your tits. I'm going to rub that hot sauce into your bits. My cock will be slapping in hot sauce all night. In a hot sauce party delight. Tonight.

Thank you. Okay, got it all down. Mr. Monkey, you're very good. You're like Dave Grohl. I know. You could have been in the Foo Fighters. Oh, right. Oh. Right.

Right. I've realised I haven't got anything to put the hot sauce in. We're going to just have to dib-dab-dib-dab on our little fingers. On our little fingers. All right. Ready? Yeah. What have we got?

We have got... Pass me those two on the far left in the hall of sauces over there. On the far left. This one? Yeah. This one? Yeah. Right.

Now, let's just start with something standard, Paul. All right, standard. Pick this up in the States. This is Walker's Wood Plenty Hot Jamaican Fire Stick Pepper Sauce. So when they say Jamaican, what do you reckon that implies? It's a way of making sauce. I know, but what makes it Jamaican? Is it a flavour, a herb? It's a way of making sauce. I know, but what makes it Jamaican? Is it a flavour, a herb?

It's the pepper. This is one of the few sections of the show I agree with, want to do more of, and I'm interested to find out more. It is the species of pepper they use, which is Scotch bonnet. Let's see, I'll tell you. I bet there's Scotch bonnet here. I'm my Scotch bonnet. Well, it just says hot peppers.

Okay. Water, vinegar, sugar. So how many hots is it out of 10? This? Yeah. It says it's plenty hot, but I'd say it's not that hot. Okay. This, I think, for the American market, they've made it more sugary.

See what you think. Oh, that doesn't surprise me. See what you think. It has a kind of sweetness. I'm just going to put a couple of drops on your finger. Well, I can do it. I can do it. I should have a hoof a hoof it is sweet it's almost ketchupy does it have a ketchupy smell what do you think oh yeah yeah i like it so here we go i'm just gonna make

sure you get enough now what do you think oh oh it's nice it's prickly it's very prickly but it is very sweet and vinegary see to me that isn't a very standard sort of Jamaican tasting sauce. Is it not? No, to me, it's a nice hot sauce. It's peppery. It's very peppery. You know, I don't know if I like the vinegary sweetness all that much. It makes it feel watery, and I like maybe my hot sauce to be a bit more gelatinous,

if that makes sense. Yes. Thicker. It's watery. Slightly watery. In itself, not a problem. Okay. Now, if I were to pour that on my penis, right on the tip. You'd probably have some burning. Yeah. Yes. make sense yes thicker it's watery slightly watery in itself not a problem okay now if i would have poured that on my penis right on the tip you probably have some burning yeah yes severe

quite severe would it bring the maggots what maggots the maggots and the dick maggots horribles horribles maggots now the next one paul uh we've tasted one of their sauces before. Yeah. This is El Yacatecas hot sauce, chilli habanero Hey, Yacatecas Habanero is similar to a Scotch bonnet pepper but is a very hot pepper. Right

Here come the hot pepper murderer I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm just, I don't know why it's amused me hey Yakateka oh dear we make our own

fun on this podcast you do your own become the hot pepper murderer alright so this is green they have a red and a green

and we tasted already their XXX Picante which I liked I liked that I'm telling you it has some fucking teeth on it. Yeah, it's got a punch. I was dipping my chicken nuggets in it the other day. And I was like, oh, I'll have some of that extra, extra, extra hot.

It wasn't that bad. No. It builds. Oh, I'll tell you what. It builds like a building thing. Like a border wall. Yeah. Oh, we went to.

Oh, look at us doing topical. Anyway. Now, Paul, El Yakuteka, I'll be getting into it. like a border wall yeah oh we went oh looking us doing topical anyway now Paul El Yakuteka I'll be getting into it they also did this extra special reserve oh yeah

which is the black very smoky one oh that's the one I liked as well I liked that one it's a great brand yeah but I also was out in the States oh

oh he's put it in his eye oh no oh no oh I don't know what to do just make make yourself tear up wash it out with a tear wash it out with a tear try and keep it open

tell me about your life and career that will make me cry why would it make you cry you have no compassion for me it's so sad oh my god now be sure this is the problem with not using a spoon yeah It's so sad. Ah! Oh, my God! Now, be sure not... This is the problem with not using a spoon.

Yeah. All right? You don't rub your eyes, okay? How are you feeling? Oh, you jibbly-jum-jum. Don't jiggle your jambles. I will not be touching my jingle-jangle-jewelry-jewelry. So, I know that could take a go.

Yeah. Oh, you haven't tried it yet? No, but I just wanted to mention these. Oh, okay. My sister, in my Santa's stocking on Christmas morning, I found these. This is a gift set of miniature El Yacateco sauces, a mini pack. And you see we've got, that's the red hot sauce there. That's the green.

That's just a smaller version of that one that we're going to taste. Yeah. That is the extra, extra, extra hot, which I've got a bottle of, which we tasted. And then there, a Caribbean style. Which is one I have never seen. Which I would try and get hold of, but I don't really want to break this box open. It's a lovely display case.

Well, maybe one day you'll get weak. There'll be a picture of this on the website. Hey, Akateka. Yeah, picture of this on the website. Hey, hey, it will be on the website. You can see it, have a look at that. It's lovely. Mini bottles. But we're going to taste.co.uk.

It says 50 years, so they're an established company. Yeah, 50 years is good. Attractive bottles, very colourful labels. I think so, lovely. So what would that be? 1970? 1970? Yeah 1968? Something like that?

68? 70? 80? 90? Yeah 68 68? Okay good 69

Alright Yeah So not as old as Tabasco No Something like that By any means But 50 years And I'm just getting this

Fresh pepper He's just peeling Across the pond I got this Yeah I'm going to give it a good shake up just peeling it. From across the pond, I got this. Yeah. I'm going to give it a good shake up. Oh, he's shaking it up. Now, this is their green.

Now, it's probably going to have a more vegetal, grassy perhaps. Fresh. You know, a fresh sort of planty. Maybe a kind of earthy taste compared to the more tomatoey, sweet red peppers. Okay. That's what I'd say might be the difference. All right, I understand. See if you can pick up on any of that.

Oh, it's a lovely, lovely smelling pepper. Did you notice that Stuart Ashen used your word huff on his video? Huff, trademark. Yeah, Stuart, you'll be hearing from our lawyer, Jimmy Biscuits, who's going to be knocking on your door. And mate, if you don't like him, we're sending Brand off round. Well, Mr Goon will beiff of biscuits, won't he? I've noticed that a lot

of your characters are defined by how hard or wet they get. Well, that's, you know... A lot about you psychologically. Yes, it says a lot about me psychologically. Yeah.

Do you know what it says, Paul? What? I'm a sad little gremlin who lives by himself scribbling and scrabbling in his own film. Ah. So, what did you think

of the smell of the green... You're right. It's got a very...bling in his own film. So, what did you think of the smell of the green? You're right. It's got a very grassy almost. Like sweet pepper. Like a cilantro almost. Yeah. You can smell the herb. It's got a herbal.

Yeah. A fresh green herbal. Okay. I'm going to have a little bit on my... He's having a little bit on his finger. Oh, God. A load came out. You said that before,

ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to have to lick it. Put it in your egg cup. Drip it in your egg cup. No. Pour some in here. Okay, I'm pouring some in the cap.

Then just dip it, dip it. Dip it into the cap. Hang on, I don't want to rush it. Careful, there you go, that's enough. All right, here we go. Shall we taste this together?

Yeah. Oh, that's quite mild, isn't it? It is, but it builds. It's very nice. It's a nice flavour. Like spring oniony. That's exactly right. Spring oniony.

It's nice. What would that go well with? What would you put that on? Eggs. Now, if I was to put that on my eggs and dick, like the question before, it wouldn't burn as bad as the fire stick, but it would still cause some discomfort

if I was to, say, swab it around the tip of my penis and under the foreskin. You'd be in some trouble, yes. Okay. And would, in that instance, help to get it removed and cleaned as quickly as possible? Probably, yes. Now, could that be a person's mouth?

Could what be a person's mouth? The cleaning apparatus. Yes. What I'm saying is, can I pour it, Dick, and say, come on, now? Well, your partner, whoever that may be, would need to... Or they be. All of them would need to enjoy hot sauce. Well, I think...

You've heard of grapefruiting. We've talked about that on the show. I'm going to invent hot saucing. Hot saucing. Yeah, where you put dab on your dib dab and then a lady lady licks it and she goes,

oh, hot stuff. So it's racist and sexist. Why is it racist? Because she was a Chinese lady. No, she wasn't. She just had a high pitched voice.

Oh, hot sauce. No. She did. No, she didn't. Next one, last one. Now, the last one, Paul, today.

What's your favourite out of the first two? The fire stick and the green al jacateca? So far, maybe the al jacateca. Yeah, I'd say so. Now, I'm going to pick this up the other day. What did you say? I picked this up the other day. Okay.

This last one, and I've been quite excited to taste it. So I'm glad we're doing another episode of the hot sauce experience. The hot sauce. Here it is, Paul. Oh, it's called ooft.

Ooft. Which is the noise you make when you shove the bottle right up your ring. Oh, ooft. You've been a bad boy and you owe Charlie some money.

Oh, yeah? What's he going to do? Oh, have you not heard what his little trick is to get him... What's his trick? No. He's got a weird little way of, let's say, motivating you to find that money.

I'm pretty motivated. I've got my own business and everything. You tell Charlie that. I'm already very motivated. You owe him 750 grand, so... Well, I've got... I'll have it tomorrow. We want it today.

I'll have it no problem. No, in fact... Well, can't he wait a few hours? In fact, Charlie wanted it a few weeks ago. So, what I'm going to do is to encourage you to deliver the money on time. We want it today Oh we'll have it no problem No in fact Well can't he wait a few hours In fact Charlie wanted it A few weeks ago So What I'm going to do is To encourage you To deliver the money on time

I'm going to Put your head between your legs Alright Pull your pants down Yeah And stick a big bottle of oofed In your crack Oof

And then I'm going to Pour it all in And seal it shut Shake it up And as your insides burn Are you going to give me A hot sauce cream pie I'm going to give you

A hot sauce oofed Don't just repeat What I pie? I'm going to give you a hot sauce ooft. Don't just repeat what I fucking said. I'm going to give you a ooft. A premier grade sauce, handmade in small batches from an old Trinidadian family recipe. It's Trinidadian, Paul. Let's see if we can tell the difference.

Now, it looks like a good hot sauce. It's got a very opaque... It's Trinidadian. It's ooft. It's got the Trinidadian flag on it and everything. Scotch bonnet, you see. Although I did look at that and thought it was Scotland. It's very similar. It's a crossidadian. It's oofed. It's got the Trinidadian flag on it and everything. Scotch bonnet, you see. Although I did look at that and thought it was Scotland. It's very similar.

It's a cross on a blue background. White cross on a blue background. Scotch bonnet, see? Those are the ones. Wearing it with pride. Now let's see. Let's see what this tastes like, shall we? Let's go.

It's an orangey colour. So we've had hot red, we've had green, and this is a kind of fiery orange. We've got the full spectrum of colours today. It's pretty. I'm just interested to see if Ooft has anything that distinguishes it, apart from Jamaican hot sauces, and of course, the Bajan, the Barbadian ones, are yellow and they have mustard in, so there's very different there, aren't there?

That's true. We tried that. Puff it. It looks thick. It's got a very similar smell to our fire stick. Oh, really? There's just been a bit of coagulation around the neck, so I'm going to give it a good shake

to get it all even again. He's talking about the bottle though, isn't he? Not his fat neck. Right. Ooh. Ooh. Is it a cheeky little number?

It smells very similar to the fire stick but a bit fruitier. Have a sniff before you pour it. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Milder. It's not as...

Because that's quite a strong scent. It doesn't have the same vinegary astringence as the fire stick. Yeah. But do you know what I mean about the actual sort of smell of the big soda? It's got that almost... Oh, I keep forgetting its fucking name.

What's that tomato-based garlic hot sauce? I keep forgetting the name. Sriracha. Sriracha. It hasn't got tomato in it. No, I know, I know, I know, I know. It's just me reaching for that fucking word. But that's what it smells like to me.

It's got that kind of scent to it. Now, have a little dipple dapple in there. He dips his little dipple finger in and he puts it upon his tongue. Ooh. Very fruity. Very fruity. Sweet. The heat.

I think that's the hottest we've had all day. Really? Yeah. Your tongue's been numbed a bit by the previous, but think. Ooh. You know what to me? It's got a dryness as well. Yeah, no, it's dry.

It doesn't feel like the hottest, but it lingers more. Yeah. I think that's it. Yeah. I like that. I like that as well. That's a nice one. That's got a real fruitiness.

That would be really nice with some like pork. Okay. You know, like a pork chop. A marinated pork chop and some rice. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And just that, just a dip. All right, so if you had to take one of these away to a desert island with you

because you had to arbitrarily, which one would you take from the three? It's difficult, but I think I would have to go for the Ooft. The Ooft? Yeah. That comes in late in the game and takes the crown. I like it. I think I like the chili habanero. Because that's got that kind of earthy greeniness to it. Yeah, I just think I like it. I think I like... It's the fruitiness. I think I like the chili habanero. Because that's got that kind of earthy greeniness to it.

Yeah, I just think I like... I don't know why I like that better, but that would be my choice. It's got a more fresh... It's a more fresh... That's it. Maybe that's it. It's a fresh tasting. All right, wonderful.

Well, that was... And the fire stick, which we both said is the least impressive. That's starting to burn my tongue like a bitch. So, again, third and final question, actually. Yeah, the price. No, no, no. If I was to put that on my penis, oofed. Again, again, third and final question, actually. Yeah, the price. No, no, no. If I was to put that on my penis, oofed, again, slather it completely. You'd be in big trouble.

Fully submerged. You'd be in big, big trouble. My balls and nuts in a bowl of it. You'd be in big trouble. Really? Troubles. Trouble coming. So, out of the three, which one's going to do the most damage to my cock and balls?

Oofed. All right, oofed. Oofed, ladies and gentlemen, is there. Oh, oofed is definitely the hottest of those three, man. It's really causing me Some actual gumption pain It feels like my tongue Has been

With a little axe Someone has come Into my tongue With a little axe With a little chopper Pullman's put a little chopper In your mouth And he's got the chopper

On a flame And it's a red hot chopper Striking my tongue Like a big Like someone Giving me Oral Like someone giving me oral. And that's all gone down.

Right, that was the Cheap Show episode that you just listened to. My mouth's burning. It's time to say goodbye. We hope you've enjoyed Cheap Show enjoyed Did I just say the fire stick was the cheapest of the three? Which was it? Only one dollar. I've just fucking rubbed it

in my eyes. Paul, don't do that. Do you need a wet wipe? It's too late for that. I can't see. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been Cheap Show. You can follow us

on twitter at Paul Gannon show at the cheap show pod Eli is Eli Snoyd that's E-L-I-N-S-R-D our website is thecheapshow.co.uk

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cheap show and that's been cheap show this week thank you thank you I I mean quite a lot of pain in my eyes patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And that's been cheap show this week. Thank you. Thank you. I am in quite a lot of pain in my eyes. I've got pain in my mouth.

I've just done it again. Don't stop doing it. Ow. Bye.