CheapShow - Ep 112: Beyond Punderdome

Episode Date: February 1, 2019

It's the Punderdome, a pun filled battle to the death. Two men enter, one man leaves... followed by the other a little while later! When the Cheap Chaps play a board game based on a New York comedy night, their comedy skills are put to the test and left sorely lacking! Before all that madness, there is a classic Price of Shite with one particularly angering toy discovery, Paul erupts into the most prolonged and pointless piece of toilet humour in the show's history and we get a little trippy with a visit to Silverman's Platter. The show just got silly! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-112-beyond-punderdome If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

All right, so let's just get this straight, okay? We've debated it before. We'll never debate it again. I will introduce the show after you've introduced the show, all right? That's okay. So I'm not going to now go, ladies and gentlemen, on the cheap show, theme two, and now say, welcome to the cheap show, the economy.

I'm not going to do that because you do it at the front. Yes. Fair enough. Get it all out. Start the show, all right? Here we go. Hello, welcome to cheap show, everybody. My name's Eli Silverman.

It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears. Here's Paul Gannon, and he's here as well. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon, welcome to Cheap Show. I play the tune. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Chief, so you're gonna have to fucking reset. Tales from the Dark Shore How's the big guy? The Price of Shite This is Paul Gannon saying hello

Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show They're not going on nuzzle Welcome to Cheap Show. They're not going on nuzzle. I'm Paul Gannon. This is your comedy, comedy podcast, Cheap Show. We go through the bargain bins, the power lines, the thrift shops of Great Britain.

We deliver content to your ears. I'm Paul Gannon. And that's Eli Silverman. I did it. There are no thrift shops in Britain. No, there's not. I need to consolidate what I need to say. Jumbo sales? No.

Bazaars? No. Jumbo? That would give it a ring. Give it a Victorian-esque ring. Charity shops, pound lands, and boot sales of Britain. Good. Yeah?

Yeah. And other things as well. But that's a catch-all. Jumbo sales. Yeah. So if you've never heard the podcast before, you might be in for a shock. It's primarily about... Would you eat jam from a Jumbo sale?

Jam? Yeah. No! They do sell jam in Jumbo sales. Jumbo sales? Is that a special kind of sale? Yes. Yeah?

It's where they sell Jumbo. Is it homemade jam? Or is it just jam bought off the shelf? It's homemade. I don't know if I trust it. If it was at a farmer's market, yeah, I'd pick up some jam. But what, farmer's market, Jumumble sale, it's all the same, isn't it? But if it was like Uncle Grumbly

special magic jam in a store. That's great jam. Have you ever had Uncle Grumbly? It's very, it's suspicious jam. It has very, it's lumpy, I'll give it that. Yeah, I know. It's jam. It's a bit gritty. It's lumpy and gritty. Salty. It's got all wobbly bits as well. I don't think it's jam. What do you think

it is? I don't know. Do you think it's like pork? Hello. Welcome to... Oh, no, a character. Welcome to... Here we go. Welcome to Uncle Grumbly's Jam House.

Oh, hello, Uncle Grumbly. I'm here from Cheap Show, and I just wanted to know... All of our listeners are very desperate to know... Yeah. What is in Uncle Grumbly's jam? Well, come with me and I'll show you how we do it. I'm here in the hallway of your house now. Come to my grumbly kitchen.

All right. Is it through here? I'm walking. It's quite humid in here. I like to keep a sweat on. I find being sweaty really... It's quite damp really, isn't it? Damp and sweaty really kind of keeps the jam special.

What is that odour? There's a distinct odour in here as well. It's unwashed horse cracks. It's the smell of an unwashed bum. Okay. It adds a little bit of a soup smell. I'm dying to know. Where's the special pot that you make a jam in?

Well, I make it in a pot in the bathroom. Well, this is the kitchen. to know. Where's the special pot that you make a jam in? Well, I make it in a pot in the bathroom. Well, this is the kitchen. I know. I just prepare my ingredients, but I take it to the pot, which is in Mr. Uncle Grumbly's toilet. I mix it all round. Is it upstairs? Yeah, you've got to come.

Right, here we go. You're in my toilet. It's much drier up here on the first floor. Yeah, well, you've got to. You've got to keep it dry. Why have you got to? For You've got to keep it dry. Why have you got to? For situations that you can't plan for.

Now, are you going to show us what goes into Uncle Grumbly's jam or not? Yeah, here we go. I'm losing patience with you. I'm not even sure you're Uncle Grumbly. I'm Uncle Grumbly. You might be an imposter. Let me... Imposter.

Here we go. The first ingredient... Imposter. ...that I'm going to put In my special pot For this It is Fucking hell It seems to be

A poo and a duck That's my first ingredient It seems to be a poo and a duck. That's my first ingredient. You've shat in a pot. Mr. Grumbly. And you're telling me you sell this as jam? I mixed all the ingredients in my belly. What about the fruity bits? Oh, here we go.

Here we go. I think I've had enough of this, Uncle Grumbly. So, would you like a fresh scoop of Mr Grumbly's jam? No, I don't. No, I don't. I don't want any. It goes nice on celery. Oh, really? You can scoop with straight from it. I'm making myself sick doing this. I don't want any It goes nice on Celery Oh really You can scoop

Well celery I'm not getting myself sick Doing this That's it He's made himself gag With his own Mr Grumbly He eats all the ingredients

In his belly Alright And he makes it all Go in Into a jar Is that what That's what There is an eternal

That's the joke That's the end point Of this sketch, was it? Mr. Grumbly. So let me get this straight, Paul. We've just done a five-minute improvisation. And it went exactly where everyone knew it. I mean, there was no pullback and reveal there, was there?

Fuck. That had no tension. We all know. It was an old man shitting in a jar. He's lost it. I think we lost Paul. Paul, what have we got? I'm desperate for gags.

I know. Desperate. I'm very sorry, ladies and gentlemen. But that's the show. Shall we just get on with it? Cheap show. Dirty little show, innit? I reckon Cheap Show might be the dirtiest, grumpiest podcast. It could be.

It could be. In the world. It's making me feel grabby. Mate, you live in the house of pickles. Every day. This room's getting grosser. Right. Right. So yeah,

we've got Price of Shite, Platter, and then we've got a game given to us by Chai called Ponderdome. Ponderdome. And we're playing that at the end.

Is Pondstopper going to be there? We just don't know. If the game's based on puns, Mr. Pondstopper might need to be corralled. I have got a restraining order against Mr. Pondstopper

right now. That's what I was going to say. Because he has to be stopped. I said to him, it's even me with a wife and your kids and that life. No, I didn't mean that aspect.

I just meant because we're doing a game which will have lots of punning in it. Yeah, no, no, no, no. But I, because at the end of the day he turned around and said I'm choosing my wife. He rejected you.

But then a couple of days later he sent me a text saying I miss you. What are you wearing? And I was like, mate, this has to end. So I've had to put into place the protection I need to keep Pun Stopper away from me. So there will be puns said.

He won't be allowed to get near you. To get near me. He won't. And if he does, I'm just going to call the police. And then I'm going to tell his fucking wife. All right. All right? Yes.

Because she deserves to know. She does. She does. I didn't know about it originally. Yeah. He sends me erotic poetry. Some of it not too bad. Some of it's all right. But I can't publish it. It't know about it originally. Yeah. He sends me erotic poetry. Some of it not too bad. Some of it's all right, but I can't publish it.

Some of it has a look quite lyrical. Yeah, but he sends that. He sends pictures of me and him together when we've been out. Don't you miss the times? You're better than my wife in bed. And does pooing or pooing... No. ...involve in this in any way?

Although he did offer me some jam. Oh. That's so weak. That's so weak. That's it. Let's just end the section and carry on with the show. Oh, it's the

fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And, and, and, and, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's right. Okay, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And, and, and, and, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's right.

Okay, it's the fucking price of shite, Paul. I think I've unguarded that one. It's the fucking price of shite. And that, that's right. Right, Paul. What have you got? This is a traditional price of shite. No BFG, no cliffhanger, no nothing.

It is just simply within 25p of the paid price for these items. Right. And you score one point. All right. Okay, so I'm going to make notes. And if you're dead on, you get two. And that's it. Yeah, fair enough.

To see how many you can score. Did you say 25p either way? Or 50p just then? 25p. All right, just check in because we have agreed on 25p. We have. And it's important that we do do the rules to our best knowledge. Now, I'm just going to turn around and put this on for you

to give you the full effect for the first item. Okay, Paul? I'm excited about that. So he's turning around. He's doing that whole impressionist thing on ITV where they turn away from the camera and put a wig on and then say, oh, I'm Bette Midler. Luke, I am your father.

It's a death mask. What's his name? Death Eddie Vedder. Eddie name? Death Eddie Vedder Eddie Vedder? The singer out of fucking That band Yeah, Eddie Vedder It's Darth Eddie Vedder

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm being funny Well, I'm not It's a Darth Vader mask It certainly is And now Eli Silverman Will now do one of the most famous scenes From Star Wars Eli Silverman

It's over to you Luke I am your father Prove it Look at my willy It's big like yours Zine Let me just get that straight, E-Vine

You did a sketch that went exactly where you thought it was going to go There was no tension No one thought it was going to go there I thought it was going to go there Alright, we'll do it again Because I thought you were going to make a comment about your big shiny helmet No We'll do the scene again

We'll do the scene exactly like it is in the movie Ready? No I am your father. No! It's not true! It is! It's not! Look at this poo I've done! Right, okay.

Right, great. Look at that! Smells bad, doesn't it? Now, get down that hole, you bastard! I've lost it, Paul. Yeah, you have. You know what? This mask is made for a child and it's pressing quite hard

on my temples how's your breathing going it's very Darth Vader-y yeah I know but it's not on purpose is it I'm taking it off

yeah good oh it's a Darth Vader mask it's a Darth Vader mask it's alright isn't it that is the first first item it's got the eye pad

eye eye grills so you can but it's the only thing that shows that it's the first item. It's got the iPad, iGrills. The only thing that shows that it's second hand is that it's got a bit of wear on these screws by the mouth. The paint's come away a bit there. Screws by the mouth.

But it is quite good, isn't it? It's alright for what it is. Now, can I ask a question? Were all these items bought from the same charity shop? Can I ask which charity shop? It was North London Hospice. Okay. Good, good, good.

The one in Crouch Inn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. So that's your first item. Darth Vader. Ooh. I don't know.

Face mask. That's Star Wars, so they can probably get away with charging a bit more than usual for that. It is secondhand, as you can see by the wear on the screws. I'm going to say £1.50. £1.50 for that. £1.50 for the dark faded mask. Right, what's the next? Ladies and gentlemen, we're straight down to business.

Oh, it's a lovely mug. It's a mug. Bright and early coffee it's an eye opener it says full roasted flavour and on the front of it there's a big cock

there's a big cock waking up in the morning I quite like the colouring I like waking up to a big cock in the morning what do you think of it as a mug Paul

it's nice I like the shape of this kind of mug it's nice and wide it's a coffee mug isn't it deep and flat it's nothing remarkable

but it's a nice mug I'll give it that it's nice colouring it's and flat. It's nothing remarkable but it's a nice mug. I'll give it that. It's nice colouring. It's got that sort of oldie timey. It's got that, is it art deco-y almost?

Almost, yeah. Kind of psychedelic almost. You've got very bright greens, reds and blues. Bright and early coffee. You know what it reminds you of? You know like front doors in the 1950s

had that glass panelling and they always had those kind of colours. It had a bit of a plain glass stained glass. Do you remember that TV show on BBC, Educational History, How We Used to Live?

And it had some graphics with... Like that? Yeah. It had that kind of... What design is that? It's stained glass. No, no, but what art style is that? Art Nouveau?

Yeah, maybe. Art Nouveau was just before Deco. Okay, so what, 30s, 40s? Yeah, 30s. Okay, which would make sense because houses built around the time of the Second World War, or before the Second World War, probably would have had that influence in it. Very influential on the early psychedelic poster designers, you know, with the A and A turns into the lettering sort of all flowing and weird.

Reminds me of like Port Sunlight soap posters. Does that, I think, yeah, but that's, I think that's actually, what they've got is an actual brand of coffee, which they just used the label for. Yeah, maybe. On this mug. Because look, on the box it says Premier, and that's a brand company, Premier Brands.

They own all sorts of brands. No, that's... I don't think Premier and Premier Brands are the same thing. So what's Premier? Well, I don't know. Premier Inn? No, it might just be Premier.

It might just be a place that makes shit cutlery called Premier. Because Premier Brands, you're right, did own everything. They ended up taking over Cadbury's and stuff. My mum used to work for Cadbury's in the 80s. So a place that makes shit cutlery called premier because premier brands you're right did own everything they end up taking over cabris and stuff my mom used to work for cabris in the 80s i don't don't think so because they would just say me i own bright and early coffee no but my pointed wouldn't they just call it premier brands rather than just say premier because it was never called premier possibly but it's like you know i've got this tabasco t-shirt yeah which i bought in the states it doesn't say Tabasco hot sauce.

It says Tabasco branded products. Yeah. Because it's owned by Tabasco. That trademark. Oh, is that the name of a company? Yeah. For some reason, I thought that was the name of a vegetable. It is the name of a pepper as well.

Oh. They've trademarked an actual strain of peppers. I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, it's weird. They've been going very long. That's why they're one of the oldest hot sauce companies ever. Oh, there you go. It's a nice mug, that. I'll give you that.

What? I need a price from you for the bright and early coffee mug. I'm going to say, because cups and mugs kind of go ten a penny at charity shops, I'm going to say 75p. 75p. 75p. Classic cheap show. Classic price of shite.

I'm sure you'll agree. Here's our next item. Is it the last one? No. Oh, shit. Two more. Oh, it's a vinyl of Ghostbusters. It's a single.

It's the single. Seven-inch single. I recently found the 12-inch of this in a charity shop. Now, the reason I picked this up is it's in quite good nick, and I don't think I have one which actually has the picture cover. And you notice the difference between the signs and the logo? Between this logo and the one in the title. Look at the logo. They're going the other way. Yeah you know, notice the difference between the signs and the logo? Between this logo and the one in the title.

Look at the logo. They're going the other way. Yeah. Why is that? Well, this is the thing. As I say, I think I've talked about this before. The ghosts are actually

pointing a different way outside of the... It's because... Okay, so... Go ahead. The one in the title there, the Ghostbusters title, where he's facing east, right?

Yeah. That's the American design, okay? Because aesthetically, it looked good. However, nowhere really in the world has the no entry sign in that direction it goes from top left

to bottom right so in the UK most of the marketing goes facing in the other direction as a result so that's correct but it doesn't look right

if that makes sense do you know the name of the artist who designed it yeah Michael C. Gross and has he done any other work of note yes really so he worked for National Lampoon you know the name of the artist who designed it? Yeah, Michael C. Gross. And has he done any other work of note? Yes. Really?

So he worked for National Lampoon. You know the famous, famous shot of the dog with the gun against his head as the front cover of National Lampoon? And it was like a big shocker, but it helped sell the magazine. Oh, really? He worked for...

Oh, We Kill the Dog, if you go by the mag. Yeah, that famous thing. He did that artwork. He was, a few years ago now, a fair few years ago, to be fair, there was a study done of people who'd worked for the New York design technology community, college, or whatever it is. Yeah.

And one of the logos that came out of the most well-designed thing was the Ghostbusters logo. It was a very clever piece of design, wasn't it? It was a very early example of selling a film on an icon. Yes. Before them. That's kind of gone out of fashion now. I think it reached its height with Batman, didn't it?

It reached its height with Batman. You could argue Jurassic Park. Because you just see the symbol appear before you know the film's even coming. Yeah. And that's what Ghostbusters was. Before they did a single bit of advertising, all you got was Black Poster coming July 1984, whatever it it was and then that on now it's got the ghost classic ghostbusters uh facing the other way yeah on the cover and then it says the blockbusting

theme from the ghostbusting movie i hate that terrible copy isn't it then on the back you have a still shot from the pop video of the song, I'd say. Yeah, it is. And you've got Ray Parker Jr. there. He's dancing. It's interesting. When they shot that video, they just were like, oh, let's just get in our jumpsuits and drive around

and film bits on the street. They didn't have a lot of money to do it. No, they had money, but not the time. So they grabbed it, and then they filmed all those videos with the inserts from Chevy Chase and John Candy and such. Now, you can see this is in extremely good nick. It's in very good condition, actually. And the cover, you don't often find it with the picture cover intact to that extent.

No. Which is why I picked it up. I want this. Good, because I've got one anyway like that. And I've always got the 12-inch, which is called Saving the Spirit. The B-side of the 7-inch single, this version, is just the instrumental version of the Ghostbusters. Yeah, I think it's a little bit longer. Well, it would be. It's a 12, yeah. No, no, no. I. Yeah, I think it's a little bit longer. Well, it would be. It's a 12, yeah. No, no, no. I mean, the B-side is a little bit longer.

Let's see. Because on the album, if it's the same version of the instrumental on the album, it should be a little bit longer because it has a slightly longer middle section and then it tails off and you hear the Ecto-1 siren a little bit towards the end. It doesn't actually have a... A time on it. What does it say on the actual sleeve? On the sleeve, it doesn't actually have a time on it. What does it say on the actual sleeve? On the sleeve, it doesn't have a time either.

I'm afraid. But, if it's the same versions that feature on the OST, then it will probably be slightly longer. I would guess. You know what? Just by looking at the grooves. Just by looking at the groove and the margin, I'd say you're right.

There's not much added, but again, slightly longer middle section, slightly longer end. Now, how much did I pay for this, I'd say, very good plus copy of the Ghostbusters theme tune? I would say, honestly, I would say a quid. Okay. Now, are you ready for your last item? I am ready for my last item.

Get the price off here. Yeah. I'm always taking the price. It's fresh shite today. Fresh shite, fresh off the branch. Now, this is a... I don't like this. Human contact.

Oh. Here. It's an emoji. It's an angry Pac-Man. No, it's an emoji. It's a yellow emoji. Oh, I'm gone. It's a magic eight ball.

It's an angry Pac-Man magic eight ball. It's an angry emoji. Sorry, an angry emoji. It's yellow, though. It's a yellow ball. It's yellow and it's a ball. But it's like a magic eight ball. So, oh, sorry.

Forgive me for thinking it might be Pac-Man. I'm sorry I'm not all up with it. With all my mates in the retro gaming community, we know what everything is. Ooh, it's Sky Dark and three with its little slime gun. But the slime gun's not right. Oh, I'm poor. Oh, I'm borrowing poor.

Have you finished being a divvy? I'm a divvy, am I? Yeah. You're a divvock. No, you're a divvy. You're a wilquack. You're a wazzock. And you're a pretty pranny.

You're a plum. And you're a gooseberry. You're an onion. You're a monkey. You're an egg. You're a daft biscuit. Chopped liver. You are a sausage sandwich. You're a leaf with a little bit of're an egg. You're a daft biscuit. Chopped liver. You are a sausage sandwich.

You're a leaf with a little bit of snail on it. You're a goobly-woobly. Oh. Right, well, let's get the magic eight ball action going. You need to ask it a question. I ask it and then I turn it. You don't turn it. I can turn it for you.

You can't. I can rub it for you. You can rub it and you can shake it in your hand if you want. I can jack it up and down for you. You can. You can shake it viciously. Could I just say? Yeah. Ob-gobble-ob-lob-slobble-off you can shake it in your hand if you want. I can jack it up and down for you. You can. You can shake it viciously. Could I just say? Yeah.

Ob-gobble-ob-lob-slobble-off. Right, well, that's what you say when you... Josh, my little knob-off. Will Eli have sex in 2019? Shaky shaky. See, I did it about you. It wasn't about me.

Not listening. I'll ask it again. Magic emoji ball. Is that a standard one? No, I bet it's all trendy fucking buzzwords in this. I bet it it again. Magic emoji ball. Is that a standard one? No, I bet it's all trendy fucking buzzwords in this. I bet it ruins it by being trendy. Oh, it's like all internet-y, isn't it? Not listening.

Like when Love Hearts rebranded itself to be like, lol, oh, whatever. It was like, oh, just say I like your tits. That was never a love heart with I like your tits on. Anyway, it should have been. I bet there's an album version. There's dirty love hearts, aren't there? Suck my clout.

Get your minge out. Gobble my knob off. Dissolve this love heart with your minge. Tongue my tit. Anyway, will Eli have sex? Do a sherbet toilet, but just use a love heart instead. Will Eli have sex in 2019? Gobble this love heart into your snatch.

It's on the angle. It won't go one way or the other. It's because you're holding it wonky. Prospects low. What a load of shit. There's prospects though, aren't there? Yeah, there are prospects.

There are prospects. What are you going to ask it? Will Paul move house this year? Oh, slightly because I've moved out for a lot fucking recently. That's what I'm saying.

In 2019, I'd rather not though. It's fucking depressing moving. Ha what I'm saying. All right. In 2019. I'd rather not though. It's fucking depressing moving. Ha ha as if. Maybe not. Why has it got an attitude? It's a cunt, isn't it? Why has that got a fucking attitude?

It's the least favourite item for both of us, isn't it? It said not listening. Like you go, I'm not listening. And also, why have you got an angry emoji? It's like, oh, it's hostile. Maybe it's like a sarcastic magic eight ball where you go, will my mummy survive the illness

you shake it you go as if as if right has Eli got prowess in all areas

that could mean anything it's very broad no you knob it's accurate isn't it don't ask about me ask about yourself

will I ever Get A striptease From Britney Spears In my lifetime I'll keep it broad No shit's given It doesn't

Oh don't you break it On my bed And it's poisonous magic 8 ball fluid 8 ball Shit What do you think That cost me Paul

I'm never gonna get My toxic striptease Like I've imagined in my head many times. No one needs to know this. Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby. Take it all off. You're toxic. Shut up. I think that was two quid.

Two quid? No. No. A quid. Just a quid. Okay. Just a quid. So, let's wrap this up. Right. Here quid. Just a quid. Okay. Just a quid. So, let's wrap this up.

Right. Here we go. It's time to reveal how many points you scored, if any, Paul, on the price of Shire. I don't know how I've done today. I don't know how I feel, I'll be honest. Usually, I'm not confident so much as resigned one way or the other. You've done well.

All right, okay. So, Death Mask. Death Mask, no. Darth Vader Mask. Eddie Vedder Mask. Did you just fart? No Was that a fart? In no way

How dare you If I When I'm editing I will edit I edit this show I know And I will be listening now I'm innocent of all

At the 15 minutes And 40 seconds Section About whether or not You lay off A little Tommy Wolf Of course I wouldn't do that You lay off a little Jimmy Woof Dirt, right? Of course I wouldn't do that. You lay off a little Jimmy Biscuit.

Let's have some civility. A little Tommy Bunch trumpet. No. No, no, no, no. In that case, can I have a follow-up question? Why does this room suddenly smell of beefy death? There must be some activity going on past Mount Grot

Pants or in the Hall of Sources. Oh, I've got to pull. You know what? I'm fighting to far in case I follow through. It's been a rough day. That's what everyone needs to hear. Yeah. Good.

I'm putting the Darth Vader helmet on. This is a horrible podcast. I'm putting it on for protection. Yeah, because it's beefy. Luke, you have let off. Put the droid in first. See if it's safe. Sorry, Vader.

I forced it out. Now, I love you. Oh, hello, Dad. No, I'm pun stopper. Thanks. I love you, Paul. You can't do the voice. I can do the voice.

You're not allowed to do voice. I'm not allowed to do your voices, so you're not allowed to do mine. All right? Fucking hell. Right. Death Mask. It's not a Death Mask.

Can you get the fucking name of anything right? Vader Helmet Mask. I said £1.50. How much was it? 75p. Oh, so I'm out by 50. Way out there. Yeah, so nothing there. Quite a How much was it? 75p. Oh, so I'm out by 50. Way out there. Yeah, so nothing there.

Quite good value. That was really good. Because I thought, it's Star Wars, so they might, you know, jack up the price. No, they didn't. They saw it for the piece of useless tat it is. Yeah. All right, cool. All right, well, fair enough.

All right, the cock mug was the next thing. You said? I said 75p. Pound. All right, so I get a point for that. Point there. That's all. Pound. All right, so I get a point for that. Point there. That's all right. Yeah.

All right, a quid's good for that. I reckon every cup was a mug on that shelf. Every cup was a mug on that shelf. That's what you just said. Please explain that. Shut up. Every mug was a quid. Yeah, that's what I meant.

So, Ghostbusters single. Every cup was a mug. Hello, I'm a glass and also a container got a quick question so you know there's like bisexuality right what if someone said to you oh i'm a bi bisexual what would that mean i was trying to think of how the logic of that would work it doesn't would a bi bisexual mean that they're they only have sexual well but they're three quarters straight. Because I was thinking it would be the opposite.

It would be bi-bisexual means they're only half of being bi, which means they're straight. A bi-bisexual, Paul, is when you have a shag and you go, Bye-bye. I'm off. You clean it up. I'll leave a little drippy trail on the way out. Leaky Ken.

Right. It's all about mess with him. Ghostbusters single, I said a quid. It was a quid. Oh, two points. Not bad. Yeah. All right.

And finally, the eight mile ball. The hateful emoji eight ball. Yeah. Hateful eight ball. Yes. Thank you. What did you say? I said a quid for that as well.

It's 75p. All right. So a point for there. So out of a possible, what, eight, I got four. Yes, half the points. Oh, I am happy with that. Not too bad. Not too bad.

What's your favourite item today, Paul? Well, honestly? Yeah. You can't go and say Ghostbusters, but, you know. You can. I actually kind of like the Darth Vader mask. The Darth Vader mask? Yeah, for what it is, it's fine, isn't it?

It's not too bad, is it? Kiddies have fun. They put a bin bag on. Cheap Halloween costume. Oh, that sounds like Teen Yeti doing the voice. Oh, hello. I'm Teen Vader. I just couldn't help but put out a very unique voice.

Do you want me to do some other impressions? Yes, Mr. Yeti. It's nice to have a man with talent on the show. No, you flatter me. Now, I'm too nasty. Now, see if you can get this one, Paul. Yeah.

Whacka, whacka, whacka. Oh, it's Fonzie Bear. Take my wife. No, actually take her away and then dispose of her. Oh, yeah, that's why we don't have Tignetti on. No, I have Tignetti. A big bag of shit.

One more. Keep forgetting that, you big bag of shit. One more. Yeah. One more. I would like a drink, but just make it as I say, with eyes. Miss Moneypenny. Who's that then?

Did you get that one? That is the sound of you never being invited back on Cheap Show, Teen Yeti. Right, I'll go off now. I'm working on a new album. I'm going a whole new direction. Prog. It's a prog album. Prog Yeti.

It's called I Smoke Snow in my Yeti pipe. Yep. Still not convinced that character works. So let's just crack on with the next part of the show. Silverman's Platters

is our next section. We've got two lovely singles to choose from. Well, no. One LP, one single today, Paul. Right. So, what have you got for us? I'll bring them over to you.

Let's start with the big one. The LP. Yeah. This is on Edmar Records. Actually, where did you find this? Out of interest? I found this in that huge thrift store. Oh, in America?

Yes. Oh. It was in a place called Lake Worth in Southern Califlorida. Southern Califlorida. Califlorida love. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Can you not do that, please? I'm Mr. Grumbly. No, you're not Mr. Grumbly. And I've got a new mayonnaise for you fast forward to the end of the sketch it's come good i'm glad mr grumbly was wrapped up there yeah yeah uh yes so this first lp the first lp paul yeah uh well the only l LP on this edition of Silverman's Platters It's a real splatter platter

It is And it's as if it was dreamt up in the dream Of the imagination of the mad You fucking what? I literally saw you go Your eyes said What the fuck am I saying? And then your brain exploded.

Right, I'll try that again. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. And for the first record on today's Silverman's Platters, it's a real splatter patter. Just keep it simple. All right. And today, Paul.

Yeah. The first disc on Silverman's Platters is a real splatter platter. Nice. And it's as if it was from the wild imagination of the Mad Hatter platter. Yeah. It's when you're green, you're clean.

Now, when you mentioned this to me, I thought, oh, is it a Kermit the Frog Muppet thing? No, it's not easy being green. No, I know. He doesn't mention how clean he is. No. He just says it's not easy. But before I saw it... Perhaps it's not easy because you get all ganja doesn't mention how clean he is No He just says it's not easy But before I start

Perhaps it's not easy Because you get all ganja on you Yeah it's true Because you know He eats Mr Grumble's jam Yeah Mr Grumble's special Magic jam

Green sauce What's that? Oh Fast forward to the end of the sketch It's vomit It's vomit It's chunky vomit It's like

Lumpy Acidic Fizzing, steamy vomit. But it's lovely on pizza. It looks a charm. Right. This is when you're green, you're clean. And the group is called Johnny Green and the Green Men. Now, what is striking about this is the cover,

which is apparently, I mean, that's Johnny Green, isn't it? On the guy with the touch and the thing. You'd think it might be Johnny Green, but there are two other guys. Yeah, but that looks like, I don't know, Oompa Loompa John

Lennon, that guy. And this looks like... That looks like Paul Daniel's son. It looks like Paul Daniel's son if he was raised on a Texas trailer park.

Yeah, and she's just a lovely lady, nothing really wrong with her. But they all have green hair. All have green hair because Johnny said,

you know what would be great for our band? Green, green, green. We all dined our hair green. But they all have green hair. All have green hair because Johnny said, you know what would be great for our band? Green, green, green. We all dined our hair green. We're green. Green. Just say green a lot. And there's a green flower on the drum kit. She's got a green thing and it's onion. We've got an onion smell as well. Does everyone like that? I've got onion spray.

Right. And I'll spray the onion around and everyone will associate the smell of green onions with Johnny Green and the Green Men. So it's a full sensual show. It's very sensual and we've got a conjurer. Fucking hell book him for a tour.

I want him. I want the fucking illusionist. I want the woman with the green hair getting him on my cruise ship and I want the smell of green onions. We'll call the show Green Onions and Rock. And I've met this guy. He's called Mr. Grumbles.

He's got a whole line of products, and we could peddle them on the side. Now, Mr. Grumble, have you got anything green? Yes. Oh, yeah. You've got your special green salsa. Fast forward to the end of the sketch. It's not. Okay.

Now. Now. Johnny Green. I've got a supply for you, but you must keep it warm. Oh, they are in multinational. I'm looking at the back cover. They're in multinational. Johnny Green.

Yeah. Production. On piano from Florence, Italy, Carlo Marangon. Timbales from the Philippines, Chris Lazare. And photography, Peter Tillier from England. Boring. Here's a little clip of what they're like to listen to. I think I'm going to play that bad, bad boss one.

Big Boss Man. Because it's the only one I want to put on this. What about Ooga Boo, Ooga Boo, Ooga Boo? Because that was awful. At least Big Boss Man is some semblance of being listenable. So here's a little clip of that. Now Now that's one tune that wasn't written by them. Oh, really? No.

Well, that explains why it's fucking off-duty, isn't it? Yeah. But here's the thing, okay, so from listening to that and listening to the album, right, I tell you what, let's play a little quick clip of the first track on it. You know, that one. We're from the USA. Yeah, let's play a little quick clip of the first track on it. You know that one? We're from the USA. Yeah, let's play a little clip of that because I think that better exemplifies what they're like as an act.

We're from the USA We're from the USA A California way We'll play your favourite song So you can boogie along And sing the melody We're from the USA He's from the USA

Out of Kansas way Keep the backbeat hot Cause rhythm's what he's got They call him Richard Wayne. He's from the USA. He's from the USA, out Wisconsin way. He keeps the bass line strong. He'll play it all night long.

They call him Johnny Green. Now to me, I listen to that, right? And I think it's proficient. It sounds like the kind of music you get where you've got proficient... Who do they call musicians who are good at... Session. Session musicians. Session players. So it's good, but it lacks heart,

it lacks energy, it lacks... It lacks its own identity. Yeah. There's nothing inherently bad about it, but it sounds like the band you'd get at Ponton's. It's milk toast. It's very, very weak.

It doesn't commit to any one style enough to actually make it sound authentically that style. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's fascinating because you read the back, and it says something to the effect of, oh, they were on all these TV shows, and they were huge. Yeah, because they were middle of the road.

They get there, you know, and they're all white. That helps. That helps to get on all family-friendly shows. What I was going to ask, Paul, is do you think they've colourised this photograph to make it look like they've got green hair? No, they dyed their hair green. They did? Really?

No, he told them that was what he had to do to join the band. Well, this guy says, I'm not going to fucking do it. Yeah, and that's why. He sure hasn't been colourised. It looks like it's just sort of... On the back it says he encouraged his band members to colour their hair green and wear green costumes. Which, as you know, green is a beautiful colour to look at.

You know what I mean? It's really nice. And it's not off-putting at all. And with the orange and deep browns that they're also wearing. They look a right state, don't they, on the cover? They look like a 1930s stained glass window. They look like a nightmare. Like you had a nightmare and there was a band.

They were cruise lines. It's got... They work on the cruises, don't they? Without being too humorous about it, I'm making a point. They actually look like how Oompa Loompas dress in the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka. Yeah, they do. You know what I mean? That's exactly what the look is.

And at some point along the line, they picked up an illusionist and said, well, let's put a magician in our rock act. Now, even though we're a green band, we're very beige. So how do we spice it up? I know. Let's add a magician to it

because what people need while we're doing our soft middle-of-the-road boogie-woogie is a man... Some terrible conjuring. Yeah, it's someone pulling a rabbit

out of a fucking hat. They're doing the disappearing lady trick or the cut a lady in half trick there in the photo on the back. Good old standard trick. Bernard Reid,

who's obviously the magician, with Johnny Green and the Green Men in a scene from their internationally famous show, The Illusion Review. But as far as we know, international just means they did that show on a cruise.

On a cruise ship. You know what I mean? Sort of meant by international. Yeah, it's famous internationally because we were in international waters. So they have songs like We're From the USA, Minute of Your Time, Ooga Booga, When You're Green, You're Clean,

which apparently is their motto. They were on Batman TV series, apparently, it says here. They signed a contract to appear in the Batman TV series for 20th Century Fox, where they appeared in the series with Caesar Romeo and his henchmen. They're that kind of band that would appear in the background of a 60s TV show. They did overseas tours in Vietnam for the troops.

And they were guests of honour for Mr and Mrs Nixon. Oh, God. And they had a movie called The Ballad of Billy Blue. They're very right-wing, aren't they? They like Nixon. No, they're worse than that. They're just every band. They're in every band.

They're terrible. Which means they'll do it for Nixon and go, oh, it's just good for a profile. They just do any gig, don't they? They just do a bunch of gigs. So it's hard to hate it. But at the same time, it's just good for a profile. They just do any gig, don't they? They just do a bunch of gigs. It's hard to hate it, but at the same time, you just think, ugh. Yeah.

It's very middle of the road, very terrible. I've picked it up because they all had green hair. I mean, fair enough. And that picture with the conjurer as well. We never mentioned this as well. We never followed it up. But you know you bought that Apache album and you had a guess of what I thought it was. We never actually clarified what it ended up being on the show. Did we not? No, we thought it was going to be like Italian disco or of what I thought it was. We never actually clarified what it ended up being on the show. Did we not?

This was on the Black Cross episode. Yeah, we thought it was going to be like Italian disco or something. I hoped it was. What was it? It was Italian novelty comedy duo music. Spoken word over weird music. And so, it was in Italian so we couldn't really tell if it was funny. It was a very long-lived comedy duo though. Apparently, yeah.

For like 30 years or something. Loads of albums. They're one of those kind of comedy album groups bands I don't know what you want to call them like the Baron Knights maybe

no it seems to me more like something that an act like for instance you know Bruce McCullough from Kids in the Hall he brought out two amazing comedy albums

that were kind of spoken word but also musical with a bit of music on as well they were brilliant so it kind of feels like it's in that vein

I see but you won't ever know because we don't speak Italian. If anyone's Italian and they want to listen to it, because it's probably on YouTube, to be fair, tell us if it's funny or not. Or is it called Arapaho by... Apache?

No, it's called Arapaho. But who's the artist? I thought it was Apache. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. So I'll need a score for Johnny Green and the Green Men. I'm going to give that... When you're green, you're clean.

One and a half platters. I'll give it one platter. It's very bad. It's bad, but it's not offensive. It's not like Russ Abbott's disco album where it's just everything about it makes you want to tug your heart out of your throat. And there are some sort of jam things where you can tell they can play all right. They've just got no direction.

They can, but there's no oomph to it. It's like that Big Bad Boss song. There's no oomph, which is, is there some oomphed? Which is a sauce we tasted. And rubbed on our meters. Would you say that Johnny and the Green Men's album, When You're Green You're Clean, has the kind of oomphed that you get when you put oomphed onto your penis?

No, it needs oomphed. It needs a lot of oomphed. It needs extra oomphed to pour down its meters. Yeah. That Big Bad Boss song would have been so much better with... Who would do a really good cover of that? You know, who would do Otis Redding? Wilson Pickett.

Wilson Pickett. Proper soul singer. Yeah, you know, like that would give it the beans. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Whereas that just comes across as jelly weak. It's very weak Lily livid

Are you ready for the second platter? I am On Silverman's Platters this week Paul Yeah It's the Pop Concerto Orchestra With Eden is a Magic Word And it sounds Almost exactly like this

I open my eyes Look around I stand up, I walk, yes I walk, can't see the sky, but I feel, well I feel, alone. I can see a flower crown And the sun up in the sky All around is full of life Though I feel Alone in my mind Eden is a magic world

Eden is a magic world Eden is a magic world From 1982, and it has a picture of a lady in a wet top. Yeah. And on the cover. I'll be honest, it's not a great track, but you know what? I really liked it.

There's something about it I really like. It's sort of like one of those spoken word beginnings. Found myself, and there was no sky, and then I went into the cupboard.

The cupboard smelt of cobwebs. Well, I don't know if it does that in fact, but yeah, I get what you mean. The waterfall was golden. I'm pretty sure he says he opened up his arse at the beginning,

but I might have misheard that. Oh, mate. What? I need to go to the loo. Do you? Yeah. We've got to power on through this segment then. All right.

So. I want to make you squirm in it. Now, you did a bit of research on this, Paul. So, from what I understand, pop concerto orchestra, right, were a French of research on this, Paul. So, from what I understand, Pop Concerto Orchestra, right, were a French band that sung mostly in English, okay? They didn't release that many tracks as far as I could see, but the album that they released had a big hit on it called She Is The Rainbow.

Which is the... The B-side on this. Of this single. Because originally these songs were both released in the late 70s, but they used the B-side, the one that we played on this clip, called Word Eden, whatever it is, to sell this thing called, what was it called, Telefunko? Music original to spot TV, Telefunken.

So, yes. The show was called Telefunken. It was a TV spot for a company that made radios and transistors called Telefunken. Yes, Telefunken, I seem to remember. It's like a hi-fi company. Yes, so they used that music in an advert to sell that product

and this is the single based on that. It was re-released in 82 and then put the A side on the B side. And the B side, on this version, She Wears a Rainbow,

quite humorous as well. Let's have a bit of that. Let's play a little bit of that. Where she wears a rainbow By the railway Under the sky Where she wears a rainbow By the railway

Just in my mind Nobody has come to meet her now Just under the tree she waits apart And the dog all around is running hard She cries, she cries Where she wears a rainbow By the railway Under the sky

Where she wears a rainbow Isn't he like... Do you know what it's got? It's got an umpapa sort of thing. It's got an umpapa-y kind of thing. What's interesting to me is that it sounds like they're affecting that. So it's hard to explain. But you know there's like a type of singing that happened in the 70s when a lot of bands, a lot of songs released on albums like Top of the Pops

that were just very good covers of the original hits. But those male voices had a weird northern sound to them like a professional club singer voice right so you're like stars on 45 so it's sort of like a club review style almost it's like the singer sounds a lot like he's affecting that middle of the road he kind of club set sound club style yeah it's in the club style yeah not quite like that but a bit like that yeah so it's interesting i i genuinely enjoyed both tracks although they're not great they're not great odd i prefer she wears a rainbow a bit because it's got i think i do and they've both got a bit of a sort of um beetle-esque psychedelia sort of yeah but very much uh middle of the road psychedelia sort of plastic psychedelia

in many respects it kind of goes round the world. It kind of goes, oh, let's do something weird and trippy and a bit kind of Sgt. Peppery and a bit trancy and a bit folky, and then it comes all the way round to sounding naff, and then it's naff again, and it's, you know, weird. There's a lot of naff around it. But there's a fog of naff on this disc. There is a fog of naff.

Now, Paul, this is one from that collection. You can see there's a little gold sticker. Yeah. Disc service, which was on a certain road. You've got the address there, which is obviously the shop or perhaps a rental vinyl place. Could you rent vinyl? I think at some point you could actually, yeah. But look, I love the designs on this.

Disque Service. That suggests it might be a rental. Where did you get that from? It's a single. It's from a charity shop. I bought a load of them and they all have like German and French singles

and they all have that sticker on. It's a lovely sticker, isn't it? I like it. It's those little moments that I like on vinyl. Because vinyl wears its history often because often people will write little messages,

draw little pictures if they lose their cover. Put their names on it. They'll put their names because you used to... Imagine you used to go around to someone's house for a party, and you're like, where's my... Where's my Nile 17?

You know what I mean? Oh, I don't know. Have you got it, Steve? No, it's my own copy. No, I haven't. Yes, you have got it. I've fucking seen my name on it, you fucking prick. I'll fucking...

I'll have you right now. Leave it, lads. Leave it. Don't ruin it for me. No, I'll rip his mouth out. Ah! Bang! No, I'll rip his mouth out.

Bang. That's his senders for you. Spousal abuse weekly. Right, so I like that. Honestly, you're going to be a bit surprised. I'm going to give that four out of five. I'll give it three. I like that. Now, do we also think, just one final point,

that this woman, this scantily clad lady in the sea on the cover, is from the advert. Is it still from the ad it could be maybe but also they could have thought we've got to sell this as a single how do we do it and some french man went i put this sexy woman in the tea no no no they sat down they drank their coffee and then one went you put tits on it and it was like yeah alright racist at all we all know you hate the French what's that

somebody making more jam get up Mr Grumbly no one's making jam I kind of the character we've we've done two episodes today Paul and not our best work

I mean it has to be said we say that but all the people like him but yeah something that has survived is Mr Grumbly. We needed a character who made jam

out of his body fluids. Did you know that Mr Grumbly is selling a brand new brand new item? What's it called? It's not food. It is Mr Grumbly's

eau de toilette. Oh, it's a perfume. Fast forward to the end farts so anyway here we go good so that's

silverman platters for another week and a good one yeah right yes we are good this is the final section

of the show and it's fast becoming one of my favourite parts because I like... I think I've become a real big board game nerd or game nerd. I've just...

You always were. But you used to be more into computer games. No, never. I got digitised because Biffo wanted to work with me. Really that simple. You used to work as a game journalist. For about two years on a Nintendo magazine. Nintendo.

But I never wanted, that was never my life's drive to get into games, and since that magazine... You were on Games Master. Yeah! But I wanted to be on the telly. And as a result, there's a 13-year-old me on TV who has heartbreaks in front of a live audience.

You just got a bit trigger-happy, Paul. I just got a bit trigger-happy. I may as well put that on a t-shirt and own it. Yes. Just got a bit trigger happy, Paul. I just got a bit trigger happy. That's going on. I may as well put that on a T-shirt and own it. Yes. Just got a bit trigger happy. And a picture of my 13-year-old face just that far away from tears before the camera cuts away to Dominic Diamond. What have we got then?

We've got a game. This is donated to me by Chai. Chai, who is one of the listeners of the show. And he came to see me and Jem do some fine lorry readings from his book. I'm still in the 2018 mindset. Yeah, you've got to start putting it on

your checks. Yeah. Checks and balances. No, your checks when you write a check. Oh, yeah. Well, who writes checks?

No one does. Tell you who does. Granny Sprinkles. No. It's fucking stupid. Granny Sprinkles. No. What do you mean no?

I put up with Grumbly. At least he got laughs. He got laughs from who? Everyone people listening Hello dear No there's nothing to Madam Sprinkles She's a knock off

She's not Madam Sprinkles Who is this? Madam Lady Plops I don't know who you're talking about You do Hey Madam Lady Plops Who's this imposter? Oh I don't like her

You're an imposter Mr Silverman Mr Gannon Get rid of this woman She's an imposter Mr Silverman I won't be able to You're an imposter. Mr. Silverman. Mr. Gannon, get rid of this woman. She's an imposter. Mr. Silverman, I won't be able to produce sprinkles with her about it. I don't think I should. Good, get her out.

Oh, good. No one wants her. Madam Lady Plops. Yes, dear. I've kicked her out. Thank you, love. Now I must go and lay some ploppings. Well, I have granny sprinkles.

Again, no one likes her. I don't. We'll see. I don't see any proof of granny sprinkles catching on. We'll see. In the same way as Jimmy Sprinkles. Again, no one likes her. I don't. We'll see. I don't see any proof of Granny Sprinkles catching on. We'll see. In the same way as Jimmy Sprinkles. No, just let yourself out, Granny. Get out.

Get out. Oh, I'll go then. Bye-bye. Right, so she won't catch on. Oh, thanks for last night, by the way, Eli. You fucking made love to yourself using that voice, didn't you? Oh, no, Madam Sprinkles. That's all right, Granny.

Don't mention it. It's fine. It's my pleasure. Sad. Pathetically sad. I you? Oh no, Madam Sprinkles. That's alright, Granny. Don't mention it. It's fine. It's my pleasure. Sad. Pathetic and sad. I'll tell you what, Paul. After last night, she'll be sprinkling for a week. Fucking disgusting. She sprinkles. I hope she changes her name to Lady Sopping.

Well, she's gone now. Good. I hope you're happy. Where's Madam Plop Plop gone? She left ages ago because she's got some self-respect. Fucking dignity, Madame Lady Plops. I think what we all need to see is a death match between Sprinkles v Plop Plops. Yeah, with the theme

Two Tribes by Frankie Goes the Hollow in the background. Do you know how many different releases of that there were? How many? A lot. Like 30. Yeah, and different singles.

They were trying to milk it as much as possible. I genuinely, though, think that's their best song. There were so many different versions of releases. I adore that. There's something about it. It's really fucking epic and manic and angry. I can't remember any other tunes apart from Frankie Says Relax and that. And Two Tribes.

And there's Don't Put Your Daughter on the Stage, Mrs. Worthington. That's weirdo. You're right. Now I'm on the back foot. I can't think of any other songs they did. I can't think of any other songs they did. There weren't any other songs. No, there must have been.

They were huge. No, there was Two Tribes and Frankie Says Relax. And Two Tribes was the follow-up to Frankie Says Relax. I guess. That's a good point. No, the power of love. Was that Frankie Goes to Hollywood? It was definitely Paul.

Mark Almond. Who was Frankie Hollywood? What's his name? Who was the Sky from Frankie? I thought was definitely Mark Almond. Who was Frankie Hollywood? What's his name? Who was the guy from Frankie? I thought that was Mark Almond. No, no, Mark Almond was from Soft Cell. What are we doing for the last section of the show, Paul? Where are we? Old man talking.

Old man talking. Now, Chai has given us a game and it's called Punderdome. And what's interesting is that we're not going to play it for rules. We're going to have a bit of a laugh. But the idea is that this is based on a sketch show in America. They managed to market their live comedy show. It says at the back here in the little instruction booklet.

Let me read it out. Punderdome, a history. Before Punderdome was a card game, it started as a wild and crazy live monthly pun competition in Brooklyn, New York. Created and hosted by comedian Joe Firestone and her Rodney Dangerfield impersonator dad, Fred Firestone. Was that all he did? Maybe that was the joke, though.

Hey! Who? Hey, um... What? Hey! That's my impression. It's good. Punditome has been...

What are you doing? I'm listening to you. You're making a noise. I'm not making'm listening to you. You're making a noise. I'm not making a noise. I think you're making a noise. Fucking hell. Pundit Dome has been part of the New York comedy scene since 2011.

And you can check out their website for upcoming dates. So there you go. So it was based on a comedy night. But what happens is, is that there were two... This is fresh on board. Fresh in card. Fresh in board.

Fresh in box. Card in box. I imagine it wound up in a charity shop because it was bought for someone for Christmas and they were like, I'm never, fresh in box. Card in box. I imagine it wound up in a charity shop because it was bought for someone for Christmas and they were like, I'm never going to play that. So fair enough. It's one of those kind of, you know, like... That's why going to charity shop shopping just after the Christmas period is very fruitful

often, isn't it? It can be quite fecund. You called me fecund and then you just used it in a positive way. I don't know what the meaning of that word is because I think that goes back to all, like, episode 14 of the tube show, to be honest. Fecund is fruitful. But anyway. Virile, ripe,

verdant. All the things that your ball bag is not. So, the idea is you get two packs of cards in this game, and on one set of cards, you have, like, a topic. Okay. Technology, rock and roll, the 50s, minor injuries, Saturday Night Live, right?

And on the second stack of cards you get, I guess, not so much as topics, but talking points, like drinking, getting even, dressing, getting arrested, engaged. So things that happen. Events. Events that happen to you. Topics and events. So the idea is you pick

two at random, one from each pile, and you have to make a pun out of it. So the example they give on the back of the box is this. Someone pulls out the card saying colours, and then someone else pulls out another card that says minor injuries. So they come up with the pun, when I stub my toe, I yell ow. Yell ow.

Yell ow. Yell ow. And it says here the type of puns you can get away with if you're not sure what a pun is. Rhyming. Think about words you associate with dogs, bones, houses, leashes. Right? Next, pick one of those words and brainstorm rhymes.

How about bark? Bark rhymes with knock and lark or dark. So maybe you can finally phrase it with what connects it to watching television and your pun becomes, Nickelodeon's thinking about bringing back one of their classic TV shows So maybe you can finally phrase it with what connects it to watching television. And your pun becomes, Fuck you, though. Homophones. Excuse me? Two words that sound the same but have different meanings.

So, you know, like flower and flower. And so someone else picks out if you're picking out you know dogs again and tv the pun they come up with is the television show i was watching was on paws paws feet and hooves yeah and making up words take a word related to dog let's say terrier terrier sounds a lot like terror if we wanted something related to watching television we could connect the words terror to watching reports about terrorists on the news. Now you have to do is replace terrorists with terrierists, and you have a pun that combines dogs and watching TV by making up one word.

It seems like every day I'm watching reports about terrierists on the news. Now, admittedly, these are very dumb puns, but please remember, we're not going for gold. We're going for groans. So it is the credit card logic. What does that mean? I meant cracker. I don't know why I said credit card.

That's weird. The cracker logic? Yeah, the cracker pun. No, you have lost. Actually, Paul, you've lost me. No, the cracker joke logic is there are no intentionally good jokes in crackers because if you get a good one

and everyone else is poor, then it kind of throws off the balance of the conversation at the party. So if everyone has a poor joke, everyone's united in that kind of sense of... That sounds like an excuse made up by people who can't write good jokes. It's apparently true. They don't want people to feel left

out because they got a crap joke and you got the funny one. Is that what you're saying? Basically, yeah. It's a theory. So, there are two types of packs. We're going to have a go, are we? Yeah. How long do we get? Let's just see how it goes. Let's just have a little old pundadome fun off. All right.

While you smoke a fag because that's professional. You just sat there and rolled a smug. I don't presume you listened to me while you were doing that. Did you?

I did listen, yeah. Did you? Heard all of it, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Did you do a test? Yeah, this is it. Now we're doing it.

All right, fine. Dog. No, I'm going to... No, you see... Fucking hell! Just pick a card at random from the pile Say stop

Whatever you want Stop Right Now say stop Whatever you want Stop Okay so Take the bottom card

What does that say The Olympics Alright so That's your topic The Olympics That's my topic Yep Now the second pack

You say stop When you want Stop Stop Okay And then say stop Right there Stop

So take that card Working What is that So working And the Olympics Stop. Okay. And then say stop. Right there. Stop. So take that card. Working. What is that? So working and the Olympics. Right. So now you've got to make a punt somehow out of those two cards. So let's see how it goes.

Go on. Well. Yeah. We've been quite poor. Poor at the moment, poor. And so my other half, she's had to go out and work at a strip club. Yeah. She's been pole vaulting, dancing around. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. No, no, no.

Hang on, hang on. You're going to have to think of this. So Olympics and working, you know. I said something about Polish people the other day at my job and I got the sack. Race. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.

You know what's happened, Paul, here? What? We've exposed one of my weaknesses. Can I have another two cards, please? Alright, let's see if we can get another one. Fuck me. Alright, just say when. Oh.

There. Got it. Pick one. Dating. Alright, dating. You know a lot about that. I do. I'm an expert. Pick one. Dating. All right, dating. You know a lot about that. I do. I'm an expert.

Here's my top tip. Yeah. Use a breath mint. Right, here's the next one. Here we go. And stop. Right, and take that card. So what have you got?

Reptiles. Right, so reptiles. It's interesting, isn't it? And dating. So what have you got? Reptiles. Right, so reptiles. It's interesting, isn't it? And dating. So here we go. I'm a modern man, Paul. Because the other night, the bill came. I was on a date.

The bill came, lovely lady. She had quite a hard shell. But I think I penetrated the shell with my conversation. And when the bill came, I I think I penetrated the shell with my conversation. When the bill came, I said, let's split the turtle. We'll split the turtle. The turtle. Because I'm a modern man.

That was good, wasn't it? Can I ask a question? Because I'm genuinely not sure. Is a turtle a lizard? It's a reptile. Oh, it's a Is a turtle a lizard? It's a reptile. Oh it's a reptile. A lizard is a type of reptile. Yeah okay.

Reptiles are bigger clade than is a larger group than just lizards. Okay. And you know people think that dinosaurs were lizards

because the word originally dinosaur means fearsome lizard or whatever. Yeah. But they're not actually lizards. Funny I went on a date

the other day with a woman who turned out to be a lizard. Right. Her name was Amanda, but her full name was Salamander. That's good, but it doesn't work because salamanders are amphibians

and not reptiles. Oh, fuck off! Right. Let's try another one. Oh, this joke's on the back. How did the facial hair begin his interrogations? I mustache you a question. Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull. Pull, pull, pull, pull,

pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull. What? What kind of food do policemen eat? Dunno. Irish stew. Irish stew. Right. You do one. You do some. I'm loving this. Okay, so, desserts.

Lots of scope for desserts. You'd think so. Lots of lots of scope for desserts you'd think so we'll see scoops for desserts and now we're gonna do I'm gonna run a ray train of powdery run a ray train a punnery ray ray train I'm gonna take that card there I can't talk proper and this is hitchhiking so hitchhiking and desserts Okay, so hang on. It's not as easy as it seems, is it? I got it. Right. I was hitchhiking the other day.

Yeah. Where? Just up the road. I was going home and I was hitchhiking on the motorway. Going home on the motorway. And I'm putting my thumb out. Put your thumb out. And then all of a sudden, this big bowl on four wheels comes by.

It was a bowl on four wheels? Yeah. And he goes, no, I'll tell you what it was. I was hitchhiking. What was it then? No, sure. Where's this bowl on four wheels? I was hitchhiking.

And I went to this man. Oh. What man? Where was he? He was made of jelly. Where was he? Standing by the side of the road? I was hitchhiking. Oh. What man? Where was he? He was made of jelly. Where was he? Standing by the side of the road? I was hitchhiking.

Yeah. And the man comes in in a car. He comes in where? You're outside. So I'm going to France. Right. And I see. Right.

He goes, oh, I'm going to Paris. And he goes, oh, you don't know what to go to Paris. You want to come with me? And it was made out of like bread and jelly and cream. And I was like, oh, where are you taking me to? And he went, oh, the trifle tower. Whoa, that's terrible. Terrible.

Let me have a go. No, you've had two goes. I want to go. I'm going to do another one. That one. And then I'm going to get this one. There, just at random. Any old card.

Any old card. Any, any, any old card. Farming and pets. Right. So, farming and pets. Yeah. I'm allergic to farm animals, but I inherited one. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It was bad because I'm allergic. So I got two hairy bollocks. What the fuck? What? Paul. What? This is you failing.

Abjectly failing. I didn't do... You do one with farming and pets, then. Okay, then. Farming and pets. I would. It's hard, actually, that one. Yeah.

Yeah. My dog... I've got a dog. He likes to, uh, he likes to, uh, harvest his own food. Instead of saying bow-wow, he says plow-plow. Fuck it, man.

Come on! Come on, Paul! I did one, though, didn't I? Say stop. Plow-plow. Say stop. Plow-plow. Stop. That one. Rock and roll. Oh, here we go. Yeah, tonight. Say stop. Oh, stop.

Alright, there's that one for you, top one. What is it? Punishing. Right, so punishing and rock and roll. I've got one. Well, I was in class the other day and it was lunchtime. Yeah. And I said to the teacher, Oi, Miss Francis, chuck us a berry.

Chuck us a berry. And she punished me very severely by spanking me hard. It was from joking to fantasy. That's rock and roll and punishing. I've got one. Want to hear this? Me and Bill Haley

never used to get on. We used to get in fights quite a lot. So one day I beat him up because I put a rock around his cock. Yeah, I did. That's not beating someone up.

That's punishment. I told him off by putting a rock around his cock. You'd have to smash this cock in with a rock. I put his cock on a table and I took a rock and I smashed it into the table until it was just flat, blood, mush. Do you want another one?

Yeah. You know what? I was teaching a class the other day of original rock and rollers. Yeah? Yeah. And one of my students, Eddie, was very naughty and I had to physically punish him.

Is this a fantasy again? No, I had to physically punish him by... I was... Fucking hell, mate. I physically punished him by...

Oh, Mr. Monkey not happy with this one. I physically punished Eddie... Oh, Mr. Monkey don't like you. I physically punished Eddie... On reflection monkey don't like you. I physically punished Eddie. On reflection, that is probably a racist character. The monkey.

You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do the monkey character. It's a really bad idea. Really bad. I just like the voice. This has given me a chance to formulate my own pun. I could. Let's open you up.

So, I'm teaching a class of early rock and rollers the other day. Yeah. Teaching them how to read and write. Yeah. And one of them is very misbehaving Eddie he's called and I think I'll have my revenge

on him because he's very disruptive I don't want to punish him now in front of the others I'll secretly have a relationship with him

and infect him with gonorrhoea and I said Eddie you don't say great ball to fire no that works as well

but Eddie what's wrong with your dick? Oh, I'm Eddie and my cock runs. My cock run. I'm Eddie Cock Run. Fucking hell.

Runs all seeping. All runny, seepy cock. Stop. More. There's two. Right. Cocktails and dressing. Oh, okay.

That's good, isn't it? Yeah. I can't get these underpants on. They're tart. They're martini. They're tart. What are you doing? It's a screwdriver.

I once asked for a soup named after a martini. Oh, yeah? Yeah, when I put it on, I didn't like it. Why? It left me shaking, but not stirred. Can we stop this? I'm going to do one more. All right.

To prove I'm pun master. Pun stopper hasn't even shown his face. He's legally not allowed to. Next, here we go. I don't know if anything would qualify as a pun. Reading and dinner. I've got one. I've got one.

Yeah. Something about peas. Peas and queues. I've recently been trying to make a bunch of meals based on famous works of literature. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So I've got one called War and Peas. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So, I've got One Call War in Peas.

Oh yeah? Yeah. And? A Tale of Two Chickpeas. Right. I've got... What else? Oliver Twizzles.

Oliver Pretzels. I've got... What else have you got? What else have I got? I've got... Call of the Wild Rice. I've got... Call of the Wild Rice. I've got... Call of the Wild Rice. Alright,

fucking hell. Fucking... The Diary of Anne Frankfurter. Can we stop the show now? Let's stop the show. I've got one more. And it's going to be this. It is, I have a meal based on a book and it's going to be this it is I have a meal based on a book

and it's called Grape Expectations sorry ladies and gentlemen that was Cheap Show for another week can I just say I'm sorry

I was a bit under the weather this week don't excuse it. I'm sorry. Own it. I apologise for Paul's monkey antics. I didn't realise the connotation until much too late. I tried to tell you right at the beginning of the show.

You didn't try very hard, did you? You're going, I'm going to see this one out. He makes a complete, awkward fucking dick of himself. I didn't have to wait for that to happen. Anyway, the point being is that the show's now over. Hi. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, you can. At Paul Gannon Show.

At The Cheap Show Pod. And Eli is... I'm at Eli Snowid, which is spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. We also have a website where you can see pictures and sometimes videos that accompany each and every episode. And that is thecheapshow.co.uk. Or now, thanks to one lovely, lovely listener, it is now cheapshow.co.uk as well. And do you preface that with www. You can if you would like to do it to me now.

www. TheCheapShow.co.uk Also, if you'd like to support the show in any way you'd like financially, you can by going to Patreon. Like many other podcasts and YouTube channels, we're asking for money. It's weird, but genuinely,

without your help, we wouldn't be running right now and be weekly. So, thank you. I love you. Patreon. Pat you. Patreon. Patrons. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show.

As little or as much as you want. It's all up to you. Every little helps. We're not greedy. No, that's not strictly true, though, is it? What? Because you can't go less than a dollar, can you? No, well, it's all right.

So, it's not as little as they want. Well, then, as little as a dollar and as much as they want. Yeah. Fucking old prick. And what else? What else? What else? Yeah, we're on Tumblr.

We're on Facebooklr we're on Facebook we're on Instagram just look for Cheap Show you'll likely find us or you'll find that American weird punk band one or the other um

Eli do you have anything to say uh no alright well you can still watch me on YouTube on uh Digitizer

six episodes up now working on second series lovely am I gonna be in it yeah you're gonna be in series two a lot apparently Fat Sal? Probably. A few more characters

will probably get you on. Henry VIII? Yeah, that was your greatest fucking work. Felt like someone was leading my grandad out into the fucking studio. You just sit there, I'm Henry VIII! What are we doing? I haven't learnt my lines! To be fair, I'd just been given the lines

and, you know, he's... Anyway. So you're blaming Biffo now on this podcast been given the lines and you know anyway so you're blaming Biffo now on this podcast I'm blaming do you know what no you don't have anything ladies and gentlemen

that's been Cheap Show for another lovely week please enjoy the austerity of austerity no that's not a word Jesus we really have lost it man

we really have we shouldn't man. We really have. We shouldn't have done a recording today. Bye, everyone. Bye.