CheapShow - Ep 113: 221b Baker Street

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

The Game's Afoot... literally! This week, Gannon's Golden Games gets a modern classic board game mystery to solve. But once 221b Baker Street starts, the competition becomes fierce and stakes become higher. Will Holmes and Watson solve The Mystery of the Unholy Man? Find out in this week's thrilling adventure. Somehow, the show also manages to cram in some Muppet talk, reader's letters and a dodgy new night club venture. Typical. Many thanks to Stuart Ashen for his guest appearance @ashens And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-113-221b-baker-street If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

The first thing you fucking do is you put your cup down on the table with the very, very, very nice but prone to twanging mic stands we now have. Listen, I didn't want to talk about the mic stands. I've said they're nice. I've said they're off air. Don't get boring Paul in. Boring techie Paul. We've got new mic stands.

It's a very exciting time for Cheap Show. We now don't have to hover over a stack of books with a microphone on the top to record the show. No, I'm free floating. Yes. It's hot in here, isn't it? Yeah, let's take our clothes off. Come on. Let's take off all our clothes. It's getting hot in here. Oh, it's getting so hot. I want to take my clothes off. Right, I'll do the intro.

Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears, where me and Eli every week go to the bargain bins, the charity shops and... We go to bargain bins, do we? We go to bargain bins. Yeah. I'll meet you at the bargain bin. Yeah.

It's a nice club. There are no bargain bins. Come to the bargain bin, the most exclusive club in the world. Yeah, that's good. I'm liking it. What should we serve there? Hang on. Hold that thought.

Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the site. Let's go and say hello. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Geek Show. I'm not going, a nuzzle. Ooh. Ooh. So yeah, bargain bin, the club. Yeah. Right, how does this work? You get cocktails, there's one called bin juice.

Yeah, so it's got a brownie liquid. It's brown, smells of veg. Yeah, but is it really alcoholic? Very. All right, okay. There's one called bin juice, There's one called scrapings. Oh, have you had the drip tray? A drip tray?

A drip tray is a really nice mix. It comes in a martini glass. But basically, it's literally the drip tray you just poured in with an olive. The olive's a bit pricey. All right, well then, a cola bottle. Oh, yeah, a little Haribo cola bottle on it. Yeah, right. Other little Haribo cola bottle on it. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Other cola bottles are available. Okay. There are, but Haribo are the best. So it's the contents of a drip tray with a cola bottle in it. Excellent. I like it. Okay.

We've got that. We've got that. Now, decor. You come into the club. Black bin bags. No. Old VHSs. No.

Old VHS tapes. no old vhs's no i would say hs tapes i would say it has to look like um like a kind of really fake unpleasant like halogen lampy kind of supermarket feel it's got to feel like shouldn't you have the walls as if it were an actual bargain bin so it's sort of a mesh a mesh of metal you know because that's what a bargain bin is it's not bargain bins aren't usually bins are they in my experience they're usually baskets they're bargain baskets aren't usually bins, are they, in my experience? They're usually baskets. They're bargain baskets, aren't they? Usually it's some kind of basket on legs. You know what I'm getting at.

I know, a big basket. Like a cage. Cage-style basket on legs. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I'm just saying. Yeah, I know. And you could have the cat. You could be in the bargain basket.

Or a tumbler. And it would get all oiled up in there. What? Ooh, techno. It's a club. Right. I forgot about the club. What? Ooh, techno. It's a club. Right, I forgot about the club part. So, right,

that's the fine. Welcome to the bargain bin. Get fucked up and get fucked. And it has to be cheap. Have sex and get fucked up.

In the bargain bin. Yeah. I met this girl last night. That's what clubs are for. I met this girl last night at the bargain bin.

Oh, yeah. Oh, she had a discount on. Was it a bargain bucket? Was it a bargain bucket? Oh, she had a discount on. Was it a bargain bucket? Was it a bargain bucket? Get my meaning? Mate, everything came down. Was it a bargain bucket and more of a thimble?

No, everything came down, mate. I can't believe I said that. This is really bad. Anyway, entertainment's at the bargain bin. What do we have? What shows? What acts? Do we have a comedy night?

Do we get all the worst comedians on? The cheapest comedians. Cheapest comedians. Not necessarily the worst. No, just whoever does it for free. Yeah. Yeah. Which are the worst. Yeah, which are the worst. Everyone has to start out doing the open

mic though, don't they? They certainly do. So, you know. God have mercy on their souls. God have mercy on them. What else? So, we've got that. What about musical act? What kind of music act? Grungy grimy. Grunge. Blah, blah. I like dogs. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Dogs. Blah, blah, blah. Dirty, rotten dogs. Blah, blah, blah. Do you remember? Oh, he is so filthy. Filthy the dog. He had his own program on early, early public access TV.

Filthy the dog. Yeah. Oh, and he had this song. Oh, he is so filthy. Filthy the dog. Oh, he is so filthy. You don't remember that? remember that i really don't remember anything called filthy online i'll show you like in your head like were you just staring at a like a cardboard box you go filthy the dog fuck off your voice of me is now gone yeah but

this is baby you oh yeah oh i mean Oh, I'm Eli Silverman. I'm imagining a show called Filthy the Dog. Time for bed, Eli Baby Silverman. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Right, good. He's adjusting his new toy. New recording equipment.

It's very exciting. It's like being at Radio, Capital Radio or something. It's Radio Pickles going live in three, two... Pickles! I do not like this radio station. Hey, Paul! What have you got to say? Shut up!

Pickles! I'm doing it! Hello! What what's on time for the news are you fucking all right i'm not actually am i manic then i got quite frightened i'm not all right you're not so poor yeah what we got coming up and on the show today well in the show today why not trawl through the inbox and have a look at some readers letters letters? We're going to go doing that. Tell us from the shop floor? Yeah. Just letters.

It's our cheap show mailbag, for want of a better phrase. What else? We're going to play a board game with Ganon's Golden Games. We're going to go back to the late 1800s, and we should be solving a murder in 221B Baker Street the Sherlock Holmes detective game it's very exciting we're looking forward to that and that's coming up on the show

today 2-2-2-B or not 2-2-B that is the question well no because it would be 2-2-1-B 2-2-1-B or not 2-2-1-B that is the question my dear Sherlock Holmes Watson awful 221B or not 221B? So that is the question, my dear Sherlock. Holmes, Watson.

Awful. Although that was better than the recent Holmes and Watson movie. Hot take. Hot take, ladies and gentlemen. Look, I'm putting my hand, I'm cupping my hand as if it was a poultice nappy on my nutsack. And it's making this noise, everybody. Oh, it's exciting. I can't wait to get into it later in the show. So are you ready?

I think I am ready, yes. Well, then let's crack on. Are you, ladies and gentlemen, ready? Are you? I can't hear you. I mean, literally, because you'll listen to this later. I literally can't hear them. Hello.

Oh, I've ruined this bit. Yeah. What was that? Stop. It's Reader's Letters time, everybody. It's Reader's Letters time, the part of the show where we read out whatever mad thoughts you put down in an email

and send our way. Read us one then, Paul. Shall we get started? Let's get tucked in. It's been a while since we've us one then, Paul. Shall we get started? Shall we just get right in? Let's get tucked in. No, it's been a while since we've done a few of these, so... Let's get stuck in! Sorry, I'm sorry. You should be. I am. I am deeply. Why?

Just everything. But do you know what you've done wrong? Yeah? Tell Uncle Grumble. No, no! Uncle Grumble... Grumbly. Whatever. Yeah? Yeah. He Grumble. Grumbly. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. He's a fucking scat man.

He's the scat man. I've got scat jam. That's what he'd sing, wouldn't it? I've got scat jam. What a horrible. I've got scat jam. What a horrible. Sque've got scat jam. Squeezable scat jam. I do not like that.

Right, so let's just crack in. You'll like this first one. Oh, will I? Not a lot. Don't do that. What? The fucking guy's dead. Paul Daniels? Yes.

That's fine, I can do his voice. He's not using it. Next question. No, it's not a question. First question. Is it a question? It's not, it's an email. So why isn't it called Ask Silverman? It's just an it. Next question. No, it's not a question. First question. Is it a question? It's not a email. So why isn't it called Ask Silverman?

It's just an email. All right. From a guy called Stuart. Hello, Stuart. Right. Does he say... Sorry. Does he say hello?

Wait there. The title's called My Experience Close to Death. What do you think it's going to be about? It's someone dying or him almost dying. Or someone almost dying near him. Right. Well, it's a strong theory. But maybe it's someone dying or him almost dying. Or someone almost dying, near him. Right, well, it's a strong theory. But maybe it's allegorical. Shall we find out?

What's death an allegory for? What? Think something ending. What? What's death an allegory for? Of? Losing a part of oneself. Ooh.

You know? An ending, as you say, beginning to another time. An emotion dying, maybe. A part of childhood being lost when some cunt director reboots part of my childhood. I don't like it! It's got girls in it! Totally made up thing!

That was a totally made up thing! It's been totally made up! There you go, I want that on a t-shirt. A totally made up thing about a totally made-up thing has been totally made up! There you go. I want that on a T-shirt. A totally made-up thing about a totally made-up thing has been rebooted into a totally made-up thing. Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

It's all been made up, Paul. It's all been made... We're made up. We don't... We're not real. We are the thought of one person in the universe. God's thought. Not God.

Who, then? Someone. What do you mean someone? There's this special magic child somewhere out there. The Cheap Show Child. The Cheap Show Child. Does he float around? Ah.

Woom, woom, woom, woom, woom. I shall send Cheap Show out into the universe. Woom, woom, woom, woom. What's around him? What can he see? He sees everything. All of time. All of space.

All of you. Good. All of the Police Academy movies. I've seen all of them. Oh, no. Oh, no. The best one is the third one. Oh, no.

It's not the Cheap Show Child, is it? It's fucking Paul's voice number three. It's not. It's Paul's voice number fucking three, which he stole off that animated sketch show. Yes, you did, and you know which one I mean. No, it's probably stolen off the Stots from Vic and Bob. Oh, well, it looks good.

Yeah, okay, good, good. Stop. You've ruined it. I wasn't doing that voice. I was doing, I am the star child. No. The star child now, is it called? No.

Isn't that from fucking Ashton's movie? No, that's the game child. You get your children mixed up. You're the cheap show child. Don't tell me. Don't start doing this. What? Right.

Read the flipping thing out. Oh, yeah, we're doing this. Right. Hello there, Paul and Eli. I'm a recent subscriber and i am highly enjoying the content recently binged most of the past episodes over the past two weeks we don't really need to know that thank you it's nice to know that you're getting all but it's a bit too much detail really listen i'm the one who criticizes their writing style that was fine

anyway i was not sure you always say all, but I knew you'd be interested. Many years ago, when I was in primary school and was about seven or eight, I'm not sure, drugs and alcohol have since racked my brain. Oh dear. Oh dear. Anyway, there was a competition that all my class entered. Every pupil, their names went into a hat, but no prize was announced. Then later in the day, a man came into my classroom and said, we have a winner. Sorry, what?

Sorry. Sounds like battle royale. It sounds like a man came in with all our names in a hat. Who was this man? What was his relationship to them? There was a competition in the class. They all put their names in a hat. They drew one out.

It was him, right? And then a man... It was Stuart? No. Steve. What's he called? Stuart. Thank you. Got it right.

Yeah, sorry. But no prize was announced. And later in the day, a man came into the classroom and said, we have a winner, me. I still wasn't sure what I had won but then he announced stewart you're going on to noel's house party wow no no that is cultish the way it's like okay children time to enter competition no one knows what it is though and here's the man from the competition people hello children i'm the man you one of you is very lucky you little stewart you you are going on the knolls house party no no no don't cry don't cry don't cry. Don't cry. Come with me.

Give me your belongings. Uncle Noel's house in the car park. Your mum and dad know. Oh, God. Oh, God. Right. Right. Here we go.

So, where are we? You're going to Noel's house party. So, there used to be a section called Wait Till I Get You Home, where Satan, I think he means Noel, would ask kids questions about their parents, etc. and listen to the kids' hilarious responses. I remember that. He was basically like, oh, my mum... My dad fucks my mum. He said he's putting his penis in the goodnight hole.

Goodnight hole. Isn't it? It's all like that now, isn't it? And then Noel goes... My dad drinks the liquid he calls body water he drinks a whole pint of it and then he smacks my head mummy mummy sometimes

has a magic wand she puts on her wrist and she says it makes it all go nice and then Noel goes at the end well done here's a Super Nintendo that's how it kind of went

were there prizes of consoles yeah there was I remember some yeah you would remember a detail like that got Super Mario All-Stars as well wouldn't you

fucking hell yeah I'd dob in my parents what was Mario All-Stars was that like a platformer it was a remix for the Super Nintendo

that had 1, 2, 3 I remember and the Lost Levels it's like a compendium and the Lost Levels which was American which was the Japanese Super Mario 2

but was deemed too hard for American audiences so they remade another game called Doki Doki Panic and that became Super Mario Bros 2 and then it was re-released crossed the line of interest

we've crossed the line we've crossed way crossed the line thank you prick so my mother and I were taken to a BBC building at gunpoint

no I added that bit in and hoarded into a room which was known as the green room, which had no windows or anything in it. Kind of like a casino. Well, no, because they have fruit machines and cards and a roulette wheel and sparkling lights. There's a bit of a difference. I think, you know, he's getting...

I'm being very picky. You are. I'm doing your work today. I think this is fine. This letter so far. Put some fucking energy into it Eli Oh wow

Whoa So myself and a bunch of kids Sat around Right Oh I completely zoned out We're doing a podcast So myself and a bunch of kids Sat around and played with

Broken Tiger handheld games Right And then my name was called And I was taken away Onto the set and there he was, sitting there, staring. I sat on the seat across from him and he shifted to look directly at me,

rather unnervingly. So he started asking me questions as the cameras rolled about what my mummy does for a living and what age do you think my mummy is, hoping for hilarious answers. But me being stupid or clever for my age, I just answered them normal like my mum is in her 30s.

There you go. Is your mum old? Yeah. Is your mum old? And then he's like, cunt's not working. Get another cunt on. Get this cunt. Take it out.

Flush this cunt out. Yes, no. Yes, no. Take it away. And shall we know we'll bring another? You displeased? No. Do you know where you go? You displeased, no. Do you know where you go?

You displeased, no. Satisfy me! Come with me. You will be the outcast in the world of now. Anyway, I... This did not please the Dark Lord, and I remembered his face getting more frustrated, but never breaking eye contact, like a vampire trying to hypnotise me.

After the harrowing interview, I never saw my audition air on TV and I never got my new hi-fi and CDs. Because, like, you know, that would have been one of the prizes they got given if they were on the show. So Noel was just like, just film them all.

I'll watch them. Yes, because you've got to have them. A lot of kids are just like, you're a strange bearded man and my mum's 32. Like, you want yeah you know what yeah do you want me to embarrass the story yeah no i see i see my mum goes to bed you know she closes the door she doesn't expose me to her sex life yeah no anything like that if you want a child no are you exploiting me as a child for what directly to embarrass my family you're gonna then sort of with slightly sneery and a bit sort of ugh

his whole tone and then think about it that was the height of his powers wasn't it house party but also if I'm going to dump my parents in

I'm going to want a bit more than a CD player let's talk about money Noel let's talk money Noel let's talk money Noel I've got some red hot shit on my mum and if you want it

if you want it you know if you want the if you want it you know if you want the failed souffle story Noel that's the good one innit yeah the failed souffle story

now I've got a kid I can do business with yeah right Noel about this I've got a story about my mum that involves a bikini top

falling down in a pool I've got two boxes one of them's got a Nintendo in one's got fuck all in what does the universe say is fucking which one's which sorry I'm just

and that's how you invent a deal or no deal yeah by conning kids yeah there's nothing in any of the fucking boxes boxes are empty

because you didn't wish they were full of something because you didn't imagine them they were a bit full of money you didn't get them you didn't fucking commit you didn't believe enough

to creating bullshit out of thin air with your mind anyway looking back on the experience I can thank my lucky stars because for the time period of the BBC bullshit out of thin air with your mind. Anyway, looking back on the experience I can thank my lucky stars because for the time period of the BBC I surprised I wasn't molested. Well, there you go. Oh, there you go.

Well done. When would this have been? When was House Party on, Paul? Most of the mid-90s, I think. Yeah, that was way past the U3 years. Yeah, wasn't it? the U-Tree years. Yeah. Well before. Well, past when the actual crimes were being committed.

And, you know, for all the shit we throw at Noel, I don't think he was... I do not think he was. I think he was too much of a robot. He was much more likely to sever the heads of women he didn't like. It just feels like that to me. I don't think... Fancy him having a real-life sex that he takes around in a taxi.

Why does he do that? Fancy that. Why does he do that? Yeah, why? He's a bit demented. He's a sociopath. I think we can go so far as to say he must be a bit sociopathic,

mustn't he? A little bit. In that way that TV... Because remember when we did the Top of the Pops magazine thing and we read that interview with him? Yeah. And he says in it,

oh, I've got many businesses, I have a record shop. He's like a machine. i think he's like you know when they say entrepreneur yeah and you have to have a little bit of sociopathy yes sociopathy yeah yeah so he affects emotion that's what i mean like it's probably i think he's you know in all honesty jokes aside i don't hate him like that much i hate his style yeah and just everything he represents in culture earnest superiority yes i don't know yeah yeah i don't know anyway he's the ps on this but i don't think he's actually behind closed doors yeah a murderer or or a sex abuser yeah all right so ps the only other thing i remember and still laugh about was across from the green room,

the room across the door. God, that's a bad sentence. Wait, across from the green room. Mate, is it a bad sentence? Yes, it is. Are you like, yeah, not reading it very well. Start again. Go back.

Let's have a run in, a sentence run in, Paul, yeah? P.S. The only other thing I remember and still laugh about was across from the green room, the room across door was open that's a terrible sentence thank you across from the cross across was it across and right so across across how about i rewrite it right yes across from the green room there was another room with the door right oh very good and in there lay the costume of blobby draped over a chair. Some kids burst into tears because they thought Blobby had died. It reminds me of when I went to see The Muppet Show being filmed when I was five.

And I walked into a room and there was a huge wall of all Kermits. And then all Miss Piggies. And I was like, what? What on earth? It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I was five. You know what I mean? And then all Miss Piggies. And I was like, what? What on earth? It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I was fine. Staring at you. You know what I mean?

Obviously, I kind of realised they were puppets. Hey, Eli! And then Frank Oz did Fozzie Bear for us. I thought you meant like Fondle Your Mum's Boobs. No.

My mum wasn't there. My mum was not there. All right. I don't know. Have I told you this story before? I have, yeah. You've told me, but I don't know if you've mentioned it

properly on Cheap Show that you met the Muppets well I did it was one of my earliest memories how did you get to meet the Muppets because my friend's dad was friends with Jim Henson

so a friend of your dad's was a friend of Jim Henson no no my friend's dad was friends with Jim Henson oh your friend's dad was friends with Jim Henson

and Frank Oz I think oh okay alright oh cool yeah so you got to go down Elstree. Yeah.

And watched it being filmed. And then Frank Oz got the fucking Fuzzy the Bear puppet and was like talking to us as Fuzzy the fucking bear. Did you lose your shit? Mate, it was formative.

When you were a kid, did you still think it was alive? Even though you saw the puppeteer? Sort of. I was on the cusp of that because I was five. Yeah. That's what I mean.

That's why it was such a shock when I saw like 70 Miss Piggies. Like, what? All the backstage. Yeah. yeah that's what i mean that's why it was such a shock when i saw like 70 miss piggies like what all the backstage yeah yeah but the that's the other thing i love about henson is that it's not about pretending that they're really real creatures or they're really alive or do you know what i mean it's not about it's always like the sticks you could see and it was just about proper animation where you actually bring something to life the magic of that, it doesn't matter they can tell that it's not real, do you know what I mean?

It's like Avenue Q have you seen that? It's a musical with I've seen clips, I've heard I actually heard the, you played me the soundtrack It's not like, you know, it's a musical so whether you like them is your cup of tea or not But the Henson wasn't involved with that The point I'm trying to make is that when i went to see it live even

though the actors are on stage with the puppets you kind of at some point zone the actors out and you just see the puppets going at it and that was fascinating because there is that sense of you've got to buy the reality they're saying it means you have to mentally yes erase something from reality yes henson was great at that. It's kind of like making the artifice real. Like I say, it's like actually animating. Being so skilled that you actually just bring it to life. Do you know what I found out recently?

There's a thing called The Muppets Christmas, right? And it's a TV special. I didn't know it existed, but it's the only... They didn't let you do a film. No, well, there was Christmas Carol and all that stuff, but this was like a TV Christmas special. And it has. Right. It it has uh the muppets going to see fossey's mother and you know staying with her in a cabin for the other puppets go along and right but the but the mother doesn't really want to be there this year or something like that but anyway she ends up staying and then

and then uh all the sesame street gang turn up and they start hanging out with fucking sesame street and then all the fraggle rock kids turn out there's out. It's a crossover with fucking Sesame Street. And then all the Fraggle Rock kids turn up. There's a Fraggle Rock section as well. Is this on YouTube? I don't know if it's all on YouTube, but, mate, I'd never known it. It's got everything in it.

Anything that Henson was doing at that time. And also, I don't know if it was just before or just after, but they used the same puppets from Muppets Take Manhattan to do a Muppet Babies section of the show as well. So they even have a live-action Muppet Babies. I used to like that do a Muppet Babies section of the show as well. So they even have live-action Muppet Babies. I used to like that cartoon, Muppet Babies, as well. Yeah, everyone loved it.

It was great. Who was that animal? Good. So, next letter. What about to Scooter and Skeeter? Who was Scooter and Skeeter? Remember Scooter was in it, the backstage guy on the Muppets? But in the Muppet Babies, he had a twin sister called

Skeeter. What happened to her? Well, I don't know. What happened to Skeeter? Does anyone know? Is she selling her fur on the streets? Selling her fur? Was she an animal of some sort? Oh, the felt.

She's, oh, you know. Mate. It's fabric, isn't it? Paul. Do you want to read this next letter? Yeah, sure. Or do you just want to carry on smoking? I'll read it.

I'll smoke. Oh, it's quite meaty. Thank you. Here's the email as well. Ha ha ha. Don't we have a lot of fun on Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen? I think you'll agree. Hello, Paul and Eli.

Hello. ladies and gentlemen I think you'll agree hello Paul and Eli hello you may remember me from such tales as eat shit mc-cunts I don't I don't that's the one where

they didn't give her a free coffee so she shat in the sink I must have definitely blanked that one out in McDonald's and she wrote in shit

oh eat shit mc-cunts it was either period blood or shit that she wrote in you know I'm glad we haven't done these for a while when you think about it. Oh, Sam.

It was a shit heavy episodes for a few days, you know? A few episodes were pretty shit heavy. Well, let's see where this one goes, Paul. Let's see where this one goes. Anyway, about six months or so ago. Oh, so six. Oh, we're having trouble, ladies and gentlemen, already. Straight out the gate.

Anyway, about six or so months ago, I got a job on the railway. I won't say which operator, because you could technically locate me with that information. Ooh. Once again, imagine for me that we are on a late-night train from London Paddington to Penzance. Ooh, I will. That's very, very long. Exciting. Long way.

Yeah. Now, I'm tired at this point, because will. That's very long. Exciting. Long way. Yeah. Now, I'm tired at this point because I've been working all day. But, annoyingly, if I'm riding on a train home, I have to work that train and check all tickets and boring paperwork. What does that mean? He's got to work it, baby. He's got to get, like, strut up and down and be sexy.

Hey, baby, you're looking bad. I've got to do my announcement. Yes, sandwiches available in the buffet car. Hot drinks. Right. Come on, you work on a train. You have to do the work. You're working on the fucking train, mate.

What else do you do? Right. Work that train. He checks the tickets. He's a conductor. Fine. So, as we pass through a tunnel, I enter first class. Woo-woo! through a tunnel, I enter first class. Woo woo! Oh!

In first class, customers are usually either arrogant businessmen, old ladies, or private school kids, and almost all of them are irritating. Easily imaginable. I feel you, bro. I feel for you.

Just like you want me to. No, that's not how that goes. God! I feel for you. It's like you want me to. No, that's not how that goes. God. I feel for you. I think I love you. I think I love you. That's how it goes. Yeah.

I'm allowed to have some artistic lip sync with it. I feel for you. Was it Prince? Prince. I don't think it was Prince, was it? I think I love you. Do you know what they want me to do at my DJ place? I've got to do half an hour of Prince music in between two Prince bands.

That's all right, isn't it? I don't have anything. Put the Batman soundtrack on. Thanks for your tip, Paul. Put the Batman soundtrack on. Just do it. Party man. Ooh, a party man.

He rocks a party like, ooh, nobody can. I might get that. That is pretty good, isn't it? No place in this nation. Please shut up. Boom party man. Everybody shout out, yeah. Shut up, man.

Shut up. Somebody holly if you want to party. Please. I fucking so didn't want to bring that. That is Prince, I feel for you that That is Prince I feel for you That is Prince I'm sure it is I thought it was some kind of 80s Pointer sister-y kind of thing

It's Prince Unless it isn't We'll come back to that Let's read the rest of the flipping letter Irritating Can we say posh cunts in first class? Yes. Can we say that, Paul? You just did.

Irritating. Sitting at the way... It's the resolution on your freaking phone, mate. Just turn it sideways and make it wider. And then what should I do with the phone? Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen. Sideways. Make it wider. And then what should I do with the phone? Oh! What is it, gentlemen? Oh! I was fucking me, fucking me missus. And she said, oh! Oh, she said, oh, it's not... She said, it's not happening. Turn it sideways, make it wider. And then thumb it in.

Filth. Hello, Paul and Eli. And then thumb it in. Filth. Hello, Paul and Eli. I'm not starting again. Don't start again. He's on the trains. He does first class. He's in a tunnel. He's just entered first class.

He's a bit of a classist. Sitting at the very back. Classist. Classicist You've ruined it You've ruined You've just ruined You ruin

Sitting at the very back Is a chavvy looking boy Oh we see And so I go to check his ticket Oh To be totally honest with you I wasn't surprised To find out his ticket was wrong

Right I asked him about his ticket And he started shouting About how the prices Are too high Show me your ticket And how he is entitled Because his mother Has just died Right okay wrong right i asked him about his ticket and he started shouting about how the prices are too high show me your ticket and how he is entitled because his mother has just died right okay that's the it's so typical train stuff isn't it oh sorry mate i didn't get a ticket it's always some guy

he gets on and he's just been released from prison and he's got like a massive can of lager and then he like fucking menaces you uh okay so it's It's haunting. On a lighter note, this chav is saying his mum died, so she'd let him off the ticket. Yeah. Great. I ask him to come out into the little vestibule

between carriages because he is disturbing the paying customers. As we get out into the vestibule, he starts really yelling and waving his arms. We're trained to just nod

and let them yell. So there I am just letting him rant and then suddenly he freezes. His eyes widen. He locks eyes with me and he sort of mumbles. I think I've shat myself.

Oh God. I could see that coming a few words ago. The smell washed over me and I almost swore. Instead I just turned on my heel and left Turns out this man was a cleaner That was fired for taking a shit In the middle of Reading Station

What? I swear this man was Eli during a round of Don't Get Mad Alright, alright, alright Alright, alright, alright Alright mate Yeah, Sam, getting a bit Getting a bit... Yeah? Yeah. Oh. Getting a bit... Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Let's just carry on. Ah, the Reading Station shit man. Keep up the good work, chaps. That's it. That's it. He shat himself.

Keep up the good work, chaps. If I see either of you two on the railway, I'll get those first class ticket upgrades on the slide. Fucking nice. Let's go to Penzance, Paul. Live in La Vida Loca. P.S. If any railway staff listen to this podcast,

I won't actually give them first class tickets. Please don't report me. Oh. Well, thanks. It's a train shitter, Paul. I mean, we've never had one before. We haven't had a shitter on the train. Now, the thing is, my question here really is,

he got caught doing it in Reading Station. He did it on the train. Is it just maybe he has a problem with his innards? He obviously does. I mean, he might have a condition where it's sort of like, you know, narcolepsy, if you get stressed. Yeah. You fall asleep just anywhere.

Imagine if you get too stressed. You shit yourself. Yeah, I mean, I think that people must be like that. That's terrible. It would be a terrible people must be like that yeah that's terrible it would be a terrible affliction because maybe that's what happened

you got all upset and stressed on the train with a ticket and then it was like but he'd been fired for but maybe it was because he was

mopping a floor the smudge wouldn't come out he's like oh fucking hell yeah you shouldn't be a cleaner if you're prone to

well maybe you should maybe you should to... Well, maybe you should. Maybe you should. Because you can get rid of it quite quickly. Because you've got all the scrubbers and stuff nearby. You've got an instant clean-up kit on you. But not in the middle of Reading Station. Not in the middle. Maybe it was an accident.

I mean, he makes Madame Plop Plops look like a pro. Maybe we should set them up. Well, I don't think Squishy Jim would be happy. No, Squishy Jim would not be happy. Squishy Jim would have something to say. No, well, we'll have to imagine what he said. We'll have to imagine what he said,

Eli. We're going to have to know. Just this once. Let's just imagine. I'm Squishy Jim, isn't I? No, you fucking stop it. Call yourself a shitter? No, listen, this is my good lady wife. We were nearly out then. Nearly out is my this is my good lady wife

we were nearly out then nearly out of this segment my good lady wife I saw the ending I've seen your work in Reading Station and it's not very impressive got no stampers

got no stamper in her I'm the stamper in around here I'm just going to let you carry on I'm Squishy Jim and I tell you if you look at my fucking madam plop plops

if you look at her I'll kill plop plops, if you look at her, I'll kill you. It's that simple. No talk of shit. Talk of shit is over. Killing time. Squishy Jim don't like no people talking to his wife. Okay. Thanks, Squishy.

No, it's not. It's not okay. Thanks, Squishy. You've just knocked your cup over. Oh, fucking hell. Right, Paul. This room. Why are your flatmates away?

It's looking good. It looks like a radio studio. It doesn't. It really doesn't. It looks like a funky little radio studio. It really doesn't. Hey, we've got a funky little studio, yeah? It doesn't, right.

Come in. Forget that. We're going to talk about coupons. I want to end this segment. Coupons. All I was going to say is your bedroom while Wogan's away is seeping into the rest of the flat. It has. It's like there's records.

The House of Pickles organism, super organism is... Spreading. You're breathing a culture in the rest of the flat where it's helping it grow. Yeah. Going to have to rein it in. You're going to have to... Who's it a job for? It's a job for...

House of Pickle Busters. No, we're not doing that. No, no, no. No, we're not doing that. Squishy Jim. If there's something green growing in your bed, it's probably sauce. Eli's dirty.

Shut up. This segment's over. Oh. Is that it? Can we end this segment now we can I thought there was another letter no

keep writing in everyone we enjoy it yeah thecheapshowatgmail.com it was a bit class sort of sensitive yeah

yes end bye bye oh it's Gannon's Golden Games time we're meeting you look dead behind the eyes right now what are you thinking about nothing Oh, it's Ganon's Golden Games time where me... You look dead behind the eyes right now.

What are you thinking about? You were literally dead behind the eyes. I've never seen it. It's like the core of you is gone. It has. Anyway, it's time for Ganon's Golden Games time. Have a bit of fun with your friends

time. Play a game from the past and see if it still lasts. And it's cheaper, got it from a charity shop. You need to work on the theme tune. I think I do. I think I already should have ended it a verse early. You should have not tried. Don't try. That's my motto for life.

Don't try. Then you'll never do anything. Great. You're inspirational, aren't you, Tye? That's my, that's my you'll never do anything. Great, you're inspirational, aren't you, tonight? That's my, that's my, don't do anything. The game we're playing today. Are we doing something? Yes, we're playing a board game, a classic board game from yesteryear

that I found in a charity shop, and I got this. Is it a classic? Yeah. Is it a classic yesteryear game? I happen to think so. And it's called 221B Baker Street, thelock holmes master detective game um you know i like cluedo i like for some reason you like sherlock holmes as well i do like sherlock holmes i like a good murder mystery me and that's why i've probably liked cluedo because even though there's

no real murder mystery you know what i mean it's just well it is a mystery it's a mystery but it's not like you have to find out, work out the mystery. You don't. I mean, the mystery is you don't know what the three cards are, but you don't find them out via character. You know someone's dead. Yeah. But what I'm saying is in Cluedo, it's not about character and motive. It's about elimination of moving cards throughout the board.

What are you trying to say? Why is there no mystery? You mean you don't use clues to solve the mystery? You do. No. In Cluedo, it's a process of elimination, to be correct. It's a logical process of elimination. So it's more like...

That's what Sherlock Holmes says. It's elementary. My elimination, my dear Watson. No, he didn't say that. It's a process of elimination. A simple process of elimination. He did. He said, once you've discounted everything that's... Go on. Everything that's impossible, then whatever's remaining, however improbable, must be the case.

Isn't that Sherlock Holmes? Basically. You've fuddled it a bit, but yeah, that's the gist of it. But that's not my point. That's logical deduction. No, but... By definition. Will you shut your fucking mouth? I won't. You know I won't.

Yeah, I know. The thing I'm saying about Cluedo is, you play Cluedo and it's a mystery game, but it's more like a card game. You know, like you're just swapping cards to find out who's got what, so you eliminate all of them and then find out what the three cards in the hidden envelope are, right?

That's the mystery. But there's no character development, there's no motives, there's no... Yes. You know what I mean? Whereas 221B Baker Street is a murder mystery game where there's a plot and there's clues and you move around the board

and you go to different places on the board to find out a little bit more of the mystery. Okay. Is it only one mystery? So once you've played it once, you can't ever play it again? No, no, there are 75 stories here. Okay, so once you've played all 75 stories. And do they relate to Arthur Conan Doyle originals?

Yes and no they're in the style you know it's got that kind of uh they don't use like literally like like the red headed league or something no no no no no they're all you know original stories but the idea is you get in the universe of sherlock holmes basically you've got 75 cards you pick one at random but i've just pulled the first one out number case number one. Because I'd imagine it might be the easiest. We have to get through this. Yes. So you read the story out, and at the end of the story, it tells you what the three things are you have to find.

Usually it's a killer, the weapon, and a motive, right? That's similar to Cluedo. Yeah. But again, you're only looking for a person, location, and weapon. But there's no motive. Okay. Or it might be, another story could be bribery, so you need to know where the venue was,

where the money went missing. Things like that. It's a different adventure every time. There are 75 to choose from. You get a booklet, and the booklet has all the clues in.

And the clues for each case are on the back of the card. Okay. So every venue on the board, the chemist,

the newsagent, the locksmith, has a clue number. Do you think they've got cocaine in the chemist? Maybe. They fucking do. What, the 10% solution? Is that what it was? Yeah. Give it a big droplet up your nose. The thing is, though,

they made a big deal about that in Sherlock, but it was like mentioned once, maybe twice ever, and it was an offhand kind of... And in that terrible film, they've obviously cut loads of coke jokes out of the... Oh, the Watson and Holmes thing. There's two that remain, but they obviously had gone on for ages

with this drug habit. And they just cut it all out. It's like, people remember the broader strokes of Sherlock Holmes and they think that's what it represents. Like, Moriarty, ooh, he's master villain. He's in one story. Right. That's it. One story, maybe two in passing.

Well, basically, it's like uh the whole the stories we've got expect the universe became expanded after yeah after he'd finished writing them and died yeah yeah because people are still writing Sherlock Holmes stories now and so this board game is based on that style you get a Sherlock Holmesian mystery you've got three things to solve you move around the board hoping to find the clue that will bring you closer to the solution that you need so you've got a solution checklist there. I have. I have got a solution checklist. I've got one here.

Do you need a pen? Yes. This is a green pen. Should I try and scribble? No, no, no, no. No, no. You go back in the got pants hole. Thank you. There's no skiddies out here.

I've cleaned up. Yeah, this one works. This pen works. Does that one work? Yes. I've got my pad here. I've cleaned up. Blah. Yeah, this one works. This pen works. Does that one work? Yes. I've got my pad here. So you go to the location on the checklist, right?

Yes. And you write down what clue you find out there. I got there and I don't let you see it. No, because all the clues are in this booklet. So if you go to the chemist and on the back of the card

it says the chemist is clue 43, you read clue 43 to yourself and I won't know about it until... Where does the number come from? On the back of the card. Like, for instance... What is A, B, C, D, E, F? Well, some might have more than three solutions to the crime.

I don't. Not. Now you've completely lost me. Look, solutions, A, B, C, D, E, F, right? Yeah. All you have to worry about is A, B, C. There's only three things you need to solve in this case Right

Right Okay Happy And in each of these little segments On your checklist Hotel Locksmith Museum

You write down the clue you find In that Which is A number on the card Which links to a clue In the book Why are you making this Fucking complicated

I'm not You are I'm not I've got it You keep interrupting me Do you want me to make a little Summary of what you're doing so far? No.

Yeah. You go to the place, get the clues, look in the book, and then you write, you just transcribe whatever it says there to your bloody piece of paper. Yeah. So it's like doing admin. Yeah. Fucking great so far.

Oh, fuck you. Right, so we're going to eliminate rolling a dice to move around the board. We're just going to roll. For the sake of brevity. We'll do, if it rolls on an odd number, you get into the venue. If it rolls on an even, you stay where you are. Okay. Yeah?

Yeah. Let's go. We're not doing the Scotland Yard cards. We're not doing the locksmith cards, but you can go to those two venues for clues still. What? What cards? There should be playing cards in the game

that you use that you put there and there but we're not using those so they're like the community chests no they're more like

blocking they put like a lock on that room so you can't get into it and that will slow the game down it just slows the fucking game down

so we're doing like a super sweet room story adventure we're just going venue to venue to venue to venue I'm going to get through this as quick as we can

right as if it was maybe set a few hundred years later where there's cars and trains and tube. No? What are you talking about? I just want to play the game now. Alright! Because it was invented by what company? Gibson

or Gibson Publisher and it's been around for a while. Oh, funnily enough by a guy called Jay Moriarty. That's not his real name. Maybe not. It's a good game. 2014. That's not when it first came out.

Are you sure? Yeah, because I played this in the 90s. Long time ago. It says his name here. It's got the little copyright here. Are you sure you played the same game in the 90s? Yes. Who's the manufacturer, Paul?

Gibson's. Thank you. Just literally said it. I'm listening. It's a good game. Murder mystery. Well, there's actually a murder mystery and a plot. who's the manufacturer Paul Gibson's thank you just literally said it I'm listening it's a good game murder mystery well there's actually

a murder mystery and a plot so shall we set the scene let's start I've got a little red Sherlock Holmes

he's there in his deerstalker and he's got his big pipe in and I'm the green oh we start at home do we yeah we start at

221B Baker Street now I wanted to ask you Paul just as a little aside, there's the Sherlock Holmes Museum in London at Baker Street, not too far from here. Not too far from the station. But was there actually ever a number that

on Baker Street? I don't think there was. No, they had to change some other place that happened to be around that place. Yeah, I don't know too much. I presume there might have been, you could imagine, but now I don't think there is. Well, there is, because there's a museum there.

Oh. Sherlock Holmes Museum. But they just paint 221B on it, though. Yeah. Cunts. Imagine doing that. And then you've got, like, out-of-work actors

to do the police officer out in the front. Come on in. Yeah. I'm Sherlock Holmes. Yes. Ooh, you're dressed very modern, aren't you? I was in an Oval Teen ad.

Oh, the actor? Yeah. I thought you meant Sherlock Holmes then for a minute. He could be, couldn't he? I was in an Oval Teen ad. Oh, the actor? Yeah. I thought you meant Sherlock Holmes then for a minute. He could be, couldn't he? He could have done. Sleepy time is elementary, Watson. Right, come on. Shall we get going?

Oh, fuck, can I just say? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, have you? Right. Right. Right, shall we set the mood for playing 221B Baker Street? Shall we imagine going back in time?

Ooh, back in time to late 1800s London. Ooh. Clipper, clipper, clipper, clipper, clipper. Flowers, flowers, get your roses. Ooh, I'm selling meself. That'll do. Here is case number one, the adventure of the unholy man. Ooh.

Here we go. Welcome, detectives, to 221B Baker Street. And I present to you case number one, the adventure of the unholy man. A strange preacher has come to town, a large Moroccan-bound Bible under his arm. Scotland Yard is puzzled when the preacher is found stabbed to death on his balcony seat at the playhouse during a performance of Hamlet. The Duchess of Talcourt, who accompanied the victim to the theatre, discovered the body upon returning from the powder room after the interval. discovered the body upon returning from the powder room after the interval. The preacher's bible was gone and on the floor nearby were a German made cigarette and a packet of aspirin.

It was common knowledge that the Duchess, previously a benefactor of the Bishop of Wittenfroth, had come to support the new preacher's views. This greatly angered the Bishop and the duke of Talcourt. The Longworth acting troupe was performing the play, The Earl of Longworth in the lead. Longworth, a rascally cad, had been wooing the Duchess's daughter Anastasia in hopes of gaining support for his poverty stricken troupe. troop. Scotland Yard wants to know A. Who killed the preacher? B. The weapon? And C. The motive?

The game is afoot. So that's the mystery of the adventure of the holy man. A preacher with a Moroccan Bible got murdered in a theatre. I'm playing Sherlock Holmes and you're Watson. Ha ha. Ah, hmm. Now, Watson, shall we make this a friendly wager?

I say we both set foot on it and see who comes to the conclusion first of this most interesting case. Yeah. Come on, mate. You're meant to be an actor. You can do this. Do Watson. All right. All right? Yeah. Come on, mate. You're meant to be an actor. You can do this. Do Watson. Right. Right?

Yeah. There we go. So how about we both, ah ha ha ha, we both Watson, jolly old fellow, right hand man, why don't we both

go solve this case separately and see who makes the most headway? Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv I say. What's this? I say, Holmes. Yes. Why? Be splendid. I like gallivanting around with you. Good.

I like it. Yes, sir. Let's go. The game's afoot. The game's afoot. That means I go first because I'm Sherlock Holmes. Okay. So I'm going to go to the theatre first because that's where the murder happened and I'm going

to look for a clue there. I see. I see what I've done. You need to roll an odd number. Odd, here we go. Even or odd? Odd. Six. It's even. It's even. Can't go. Oh dear, Watson,

you seem to have a limp. You're Watson. Oh, Sherlock Holmes, you have a limp. Ah, my old rheumatism I believe is playing up, Watson. Do you need me to massage some opium into your butthole? No, I'll just carry on playing the game. Right, I'm... Watson, I shall go somewhere.

Odds or evens, here we go. Where do I want to go? Where do you want to go? Anywhere on the board. Well, I'll find a clue. Yeah, every place has a clue behind it, potentially. Well, where's the theatre? That's where it happens.

I want to go there. Well, that's where I was going to go. Just fucking roll the dice, Watson. I'll fucking's the theatre? That's where it happened. I want to go there. Well, that's where I was going to go. Just fucking roll the dice, Watson. I'll fucking roll the dice, as you put it. Five! Blow! As they say. Right,

off I go. I'm in the theatre. Ah, he's in the theatre, so that means you get to read clue 280. So read it to yourself and make a note of it in your pad. And maybe hide your pad once you've written it so I can't read it because I can definitely see it from here. But can you see my pad?

Read it to yourself. Sorry, 280, yeah? Theatre. The Bishop of Wittenfroth was in attendance at the theatre at the night of the murder. I'm going to roll because I'm going to try and go to the hotel. Five. Hooray.

I'm going to go to the hotel. Where's the hotel? Oh, it's just there. Here we go. In the hotel. Hotel. The Duchess's daughter, Anastasiaasia did not like the strange preacher. Good. Right, that's that clue

done. Next, where do you want to go? In the carriage depot, you can take a ride to anywhere from there. Yeah, you can if you were playing the game properly, but it doesn't really matter because we're just going to the venue. Watson. If Watson had regarded the rules of said game at the beginning... But I wouldn't get a clue at the

carriage depot, though. Where do you want to go next? At Watson. Not the carriage depot, then. Wherever you want to go. But what kind of clue would I get there? I don't know. Until you go there. I don't think...

I'll go down the docks. What about playing the game, Watson? All right. There might be a clue there. Up a prostitute's snatch. Right, Watson. I don't believe I've heard such uncouth talk from you before.

Five. Blow. Right, go to the docks. Docks. General motive clue. You can't judge a book by its cover. Have you done that?

You happy with it? It doesn't... What? Just write it down, whatever it says. I'm going to go. I'm going to go to the theatre next now. He's gone. Now that Watson's gone. I believe I shall now attempt

to search for clues that he may... may have missed. Let's see. Aha. Here we go. That's right. Do it on the noisiest fucking part. Don't act like it was me. It's you. It was me. I didn't think it through. I did it right next to the springy things. Five again.

I'm going to go to the theatre. It's exciting times. I'm going to the theatre. Ha. Cabby, the theatre, please. All right, governor. I'll do my own journey, then. Yeah, how are things going for you, Watson?

Well, I'm bored of this. Do you mean you're bored of this? This is a crime. We're meant to be trying to save Well you know what the docs didn't give me Fuck all Good I shan't waste my time going there Watson Aha you've choked your hand

I believe But surely it's about solving the terrible murder And not just a sort of petty Competition between us Holmes Shut it Watson Or I'll chin you with my Fierce uppercut between us, Holmes. Shut it, Watson, or I'll chin you with my

fierce uppercut. Oh, you seem to have transformed into Victorian Chav, or whatever that character's called. Ah, one of my many

characters, Watson, as I'm sure you'll agree. If only you had as many... Yes, I have many disguises, Watson. As you know, I fooled you once or twice perchance before, Watson. Yes, I thought you were an American by the As you know, I fooled you once or twice per chance before, Watson.

Yes, I thought you were an American. Yes. By the name of Biscuits. Oh, that's just one of my characters. Let's play this one as I go and investigate. Where do you want to go now, Watson? What's that place over there called? It's the Boar's Head.

It's a pub. Ah, you always get some juice at the pub, don't you? Yeah, you get some information at the Boar's Head. Could the chemist pick up some lithium? You could, if you wanted to. Then I could drug you. You could then. Now hurry up Watson. Time is fleeting and the case is burning. Let's say the boar's head, the pub.

Roll the dice then. Will it be odds or will it be evens? Odds. Boar's head. There's no clue here. Now where does Sherlock Holmes go now Now I can't go to that Because he's already there And I gotta beat Watson at his own game

So have I been to the hotel Yes I have For God's sake Watson's infuriating talk Makes me think that maybe Going to the Boar's head is a bad idea and I should not waste a move. He's not very good at poker, is he? Obviously. Well, I didn't know we had to...

You shouldn't shut your face. Right. Watson. Now, where should I go? Now, you've been to the bar. Now, I think I'm going to take a stroll To Scotland Yard And see what the police there It's in the corner there

And see what the police may have picked up In their rather naive findings Five again Ha ha I shall go by foot to Scotland Yard Ha ha Stop I won't chase you

Scotland Yard The preacher had a handsome tan Ha ha, catch me if you can, Watson. I won't chase you. Scotland Yard. The preacher had a handsome tan, peculiar in London. Now, the pawnbroker, he may have seen the Moroccan Bible. I'll go there. Could I have a go, please? And go. Yeah, you can. Pick a place to go, Watson. I'm going to go to the pawnbroker.

One. Wow. All right, you go to the pawnbroker then. Yes. I'm going to go to the pawnbroker. One. Wow. All right, you go to the pawnbroker then. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Give me the clue, give me the clue. Hang on, I just want to make sure I've got the right one. I want the pawnbroker's clue. Did you, Watson? You wanted pawnbroker, did you now, Watson?

Is that where you've landed yourself? I've landed on myself on the pawnbroker. Well, then you must go to clue 243, Watson. 243. Pawnbroker. Killer Clue Part 2. Value. Can I ask you something? Watson, I'm always here to help you if your meagre brain can't keep up with the spate of this rather peculiar mystery. Come on, Watson. You thick as pig shit bellend.

What? It says killer clue. It means that whatever that clue is, it's going to tell you the name of the killer. So it'll be like an anagram or a clue or a puzzle that you have to solve that'll give you part of a name or something. Yeah?

Okay. Where are you, porn broker? Yeah. Oh, that's good, isn't it? Shut up. Don't cheat. Mate. Watson, mate. I'm not cheating. I'm merely following my investigation based on the actions of others.

A role I presume you'd be aware of part of my... Sherlock. Sherlock. Listen, Sherlock. Listen, Sherlock. My procedure. No, listen, Sherlock. You didn't become the world's greatest crime fighting genius by just copying and cheating.

Yes, I did. You should be ashamed of yourself. Sometimes I did, Watson, and sometimes I did not. But the cases where I did not are the ones that matter most. Watson. Now, I'm right. Where haven't I been? I think I'll go

to the newsagents, see if any scurrilous scandal has turned up in Mr Grumble's newsagents. Oh, is it Mr Grumble's newsagents? Five again! I say, Sherlock, didn't Mr Grumble's newsagents get shut down because he was selling human excrement in jam jars? Yes, he was, unfortunately, but now it's been taken over by his son. Who's his son, then?

Alan Grumbles. Oh, God. by his son. Who's his son, then? Alan Grumbles. I'm at the newsagents, and I shall investigate... Alan Grumbles. Newsagents. Newsagents. An original manuscript of Hamlet was stolen recently from an exhibition on the Riviera.

Oh. Watson, I believe I've made an interesting development in the case. Ah-ha! Or am I lying to throw you off and send you on a wild goose chase, my old friend? Well, where have you gone to the newsagents? So where are you going to go, Watson? I won't be following

you down there. You can't while I'm in there. Oh, can't I? No. I wasn't aware of that. I've just made it up now. You have fucking made it up. Well, Watson, I believe it's only fair one of us should get a role at any one time. I'll go to the museum. Perhaps the antiquity of the said item that the priest was clutching might have some... bear some light on the...

Watson, I agree that your chain of thought is rather quite alluring and I wish you to pursue it. Well, I'll give the old Dicky Dicky Dice a roll then. Here we go. Odds to move, evens stays. Oh, come on Dicky Dice. Two! It's two! What a poo-poo. In that case, I do believe, Watson, I shall follow in your wake and I shall head to the museum myself and maybe try and find a clue there. Cabby, roll the dice!

Oh, governor! Oh, there you go, governor! There we go. You're very common, aren't you, sir? Fuck me! I don't know where my head is! Museum. The Earl of Longworth is considered a foremost authority

On the authenticity of original manuscripts What am I meant to do? You're meant to take all the clues that you've been given, Watson And form it together to find out who the killer is, the motive and the weapon Alright And when I know, what do I do? I have it! The game is off! All right.

And when I know, what do I do? Go, I have it. The game is off. Off. Yeah. You go to 221B Baker Street and you announce your findings there. I announce it there. Why don't I go to the police station?

Because Holmes always solves his crimes in 221B Baker Street. Holmes doesn't know that. Apart from when he doesn't. Doesn't. Not when he never solves them. Shut up, Watson. He doesn't. He just goes, bloody hell, Sherlock. That was impressive. Yes, it up, Watson. He doesn't. He just goes, bloody hell, Sherlock. That was impressive.

Yes, it was, Watson. And that's how it's going to go down today as well. Right, it's my go now. Where do you want to go? Museum. You can't. I'm in there now. So, Watson, you must follow your trail somewhere else. I really believe I know two of the things. I'm just

searching now for the third. What do we have to find out? The motive? Motive, the weapon, Watson. And who killed the preacher? Come on, come on, come on, come on.

I'll go to... The tobacconist won't be anything, will it? But you don't know, do you? Locksmith? Nah. The bank. Oh, he's going to go to the bank So let's see what happens Watson Four

So give me the dice Watson While I try now to go Where does one go now You know what I believe in this clement time of evening This clement time of evening I think I might go for a walk in the park. For one does not know where one might find his next source of inspiration, Watson. A pip-pip-widdly-widdly-widdly-widdly.

One certainly doesn't. One! Oh. I'll go to the park and I stroll. Evening, common shoe-shiner. Hello, want to fuck up the ass? You're not one of my irregulars. I'll do it for half price.

Got some lovely cottaging going on down here. Get that shit in that hat. You've put me off. Park Killer Clue Part 1 Not Short Just write down the clue, mate. Done it, innit? You'll go Park Killer Clue, Part 1. Not short. Just write down the clue, mate.

Done it, innit? Your go. Where are you going to go now, Watson? I'm going to go to the museum. The park has been most illuminating. I'm going to the museum. All right. Good luck, Watson.

I hope you get there. Oh, well, you're not going anywhere again, are you? Just sitting there like a fat lump, aren't you, Watson? Oh, that's it! What are you going to do about it, Watson? I'm going to... You're all this, Watson, aren't you? Just sitting there like a fat lump, aren't you, Watson? Oh, that's it! What are you going to do about it, Watson? I'm nothing. You're all this, Watson, aren't you? You're all this. No, I'm a doctor. So?

I'll put you to sleep with chloroform and then I'll fucking operate on you. And I'll leave my spunk inside. Watson! That's such a foolish crime. You'd be found out immediately. How would you be found out? Because... How? You'd be dead! You'd be dead out immediately. How would you be found out? Because... How? You'd be dead! You'd be dead and full

of my cum! Watson! This is not gentlemanly behaviour! I'm sick of this! I'm not Watson! I'm none other than your archenemy! Blimey, Cor, blimey! Is that Professor Moriarty? An erasure stereotype! No, Cor, blimey! Yes, I'm Professor Moriarty! An erasured stereotype!

No, no, no! No, no, I'm not racist! You are! No, no, I'm Professor Moriarty! Right. Hey! Here we go. I'm going to roll the dice, Watson,

because I believe I'm going to go... I'm not Watson! Moriarty. Thank you. So where's Watson? I killed him. Fine. To be honest, do me a favour.

He was a boring oink. I don't care! Right, I'm going to the carriage depot now, Moriarty. You won't solve this case before me and ruin my reputation. I will! One. You're fucking cheating with the dice, man! I'm not cheating!

Listen, you Sherlock! You cheat! Carriage depot. Uh-oh! Professor Moriarty! Cheating with them dice mugs. Cheating. Listen, you Sherlock. You cheat. Carriage depot. Oh, oh, oh. Professor Moriarty. Shut up. Carriage depot.

Longworth had read a Bible to the preacher and the Duke of Talcourt the day before the murder. Can I go now? Yes, if you want. You can go anywhere you want, Moriarty. Yes. Can I go now? Yes, if you want. You can go anywhere you want, Moriarty. I go museum. Aha, at last. I go museum. Yes. God, this fucking annoying voice.

Such a horrible, horrible voice. I'm Professor Moriarty. Eli reads the previously revealed clue. Oh, Mariotti. I do wish you'd change back to Watson. I've decided that Watson was a much more pleasant character to be around than whatever this, I don't know, Mexican, French, Fagin-esque character is.

You don't know. I don't think this character is at all appropriate. I'm Bariaki. No, you're not. I'm not turning back. Right. Oh, I need to write this down. Right, so I think I shall now... Where should one go? I might

go to the chemist, yes. Have I been to the chemist yet? No. Here we go. From the carriage depot, I can just go straight to the chemist anyway. Excellent. Chemist. The Earl of Longworth has constant headaches. Pen, please.

Moriarty. There you go. Seriously, mate. Eli. Step aside from the podcast for a second. I don't step aside, man. Moriarty, evil. Evil genius.

You will not follow me this time. Right, so where do you want to go next? I'll go to 221 Big Back Street. There is no clue there. That's the only place on the board that doesn't have a clue. But you were there. I didn't. I've not been there. You were there.

I went to Scotland Yard, Mariotti. All right, I'll to Scotland Yard, Mariarty. Alright, I go Scotland Yard. Roll the dice then, Mariarty, and see if your luck brings you there. Oh, come on, baby. Yes. I score one.

What's going on? Hey, Scotland Yard guys, what's up? Give me clue, man. 351. Eli reads the previously revealed clue. Ah, Moriarty, I believe you've maybe developed a clue or something. It looks like it's very racist. It really is.

No, not me, not my voice. No, that is. No. I disagree. No, it looks like this game is very racist. It's hard to say that as you're doing... What? I do what? What do you say about my accent?

A Moriarty travels the world. Moriarty expert in all sorts of things from all over the world, different cultures. His accent's implacable. Is it? Yes. Yeah. Yes, it is.

Please read the clue. I read clue. I now more than ever want to get rid of this. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Stop it. Give me the book. Right Right I'm going to roll Where am I going to go next now

I've been there I'm going to go to the Tobacconists No be cheating on the road I'm not going I have the shits I must stay here and plop for a little while You're go Where do you want to go Tobacconist Going! I have the shits. I must stay here and plop for a little while, Moriarty. Your go.

Okay. Where do you want to go? I'll go... Tobacconist. Like you wanted to go. I'll go there. You can't go. I'll go.

Okay, Moriarty, then. I'll go! I hate this. I got one. I'll go. All right, there. Where's my clue? Tobacconist.

The Bishop of Wittenfroth smokes German-made cigarettes Moriarty Ah, evil Ah, Moriarty Then I cannot go to the tobacconist's for he is there I am there So where can I go on my adventures? Should I go there? I can't right now

Maybe not that, maybe not that But maybe, maybe one can find clues at the locksmith. I shall attempt the locksmith now. Please, fate upon my side, let me beat Moriarty. Five. Oh. I'm at the locksmith, which is clue 136. I've got the book.

You've got the book. I've got the book. Everything around here is so good. She's got the book. You've got the book. I've got the book. Everything around here is so good. She's got the book. He got the book. Which one is it again? I keep singing the song and I put myself off. Where am I?

Locksmith. Locksmith. General weapon clue. The Bible says if you live by one, you die by one. Oh. Right. Right. Right. Oh. Give me Right. Right. Oh.

Give me the pen. Moriarty, you fiend. Here, pen. I've been to the pawn shop. Oh. I want key. I want key. Ah. It's your go next, Moriarty. I've been pawn shop.

You want to go to the pawn shop? I've been. Have you been? I've been. Did you roll the dice to go there? I did. No, you didn't because I the pawn shop? I've been. Have you been? I've been. Did you roll the dice to go there? I did. No, you didn't because I rolled five. I've already been. Well then, where do you want to go next, Moriarty? Oh, I did be pawned, brah. Where do you want to go next, then? I go park.

Go to park. Well then, roll the dice. Roll the dice. I go park. I go park. I go park. I don't go park. Oh, in that case, I go park. I don't go park. In that case, I think I shall roll the dice and hope upon hope that I get this because I'm about to venture to 221B Baker Street and make a final exclamation.

Why don't you go police station? That's more, you know, that's where they do stuff. They don't do anything, 221. I want to go home. You know what? I want to go home, Mariarty. I don't know-2-1. I want to go home. You know what? I want to go home, Mariarty. I don't know. Mariarty, I want to go home.

I just don't know. Right, here we go. I hope you roll bad. I'm rolling the dice. I hope you roll bad. Oh, six means I must remain where I am. Mariarty, where do you want to go next? I'll go locksmith.

You can't because I'm still there. Oh, you little bastard. I'll go park. All right, you go park. Roll the dice. See if you can get into the park. Here we go. Here we go.

One and a two. And you can't. Once again, I roll for race. It's a race against time to get to 221B Baker Street. I hope upon hope that the gods, wherever they are, are on my side. Three. I'm going to 221B Baker Street. Oh, no.

Where I shall now reveal who I think the murderer was, with what weapon, and why. It wasn't me. Moriarty, join me in my special boudoir. Okay. Would you like a pipe and maybe a tea from my lady

housekeeper? Yes. Ah, make a cup of tea love, and two pipes. Yes, Mr. Holmes. Have you got like a big samovar? A what? A big samovar. Some-ov-ar? No, like a

big Russian teapot thing made of metal, samovar. No. Okay, just asking. That's fine. I was just asking. It's a lovely place. I like it. We finally meet, though, in this game of crime we call chess. I'm Mariotti.

Maybe I'm beginning to think you're not that much of a mastermind, to be honest. Oh. Now, although you tricked me as Watson earlier in it, and before a magnificent and not at all lazy and boring plot twist, became my arch nemesis, Mariotti. I'm Mariotti. But let me see if I run my ruminations past you and... OK, you tell me who they do it, what they do it with, why they do it.

Now, the preacher came from other climes, I believe. He came from other climes, and I believe with him in his Bible was not a Bible. What was it? Ah, well, I believe he was carrying upon him the original manuscript for Hamlet, the play he had gone to see that very night. Oh. Now, ah-ha-ha-ha, that would cost a pretty penny on the market. As we all know, Longworth, he needed money to keep his poverty-stricken acting troupe, and he had already gone to Anastasia for help and financial assistance.

So I reckon in a desperate bid, he'd found out about this swap, and instead of paying for it, he murdered the preacher, quote-unquote preacher, was actually a dealer for the original Hamlet to make some money. So I believe he murdered this preacher, took the ancient Hamlet manuscript, and did it with a sword from his very self-same play of Hamlet, a murder weapon he could have on show the whole time and go back on the stage reaped in blood. It doesn't say he's stabbed, though. It does say he's stabbed.

Marijuana. Marijuana? Mariarty. He says he is found stabbed to death on his balcony seat at the Playhouse. Oh, I forgot. Oh, Mariarty. So... Is that true? That is what I think. Longworth killed him

with a sword because he had the ancient original manuscript of Hamlet to make some money for his acting troupe. Now, shall we find out if I'm correct

or not? If I'm correct, I win the day. I solve the case and I shall notch this up on yet another fantastic and illuminating case.

You notch it up on what? My bedpost. Crime bedpost. You've got a bedpost? Sherlock Holmes has a crime bedpost. He does not have sex. He puts on his bedpost notches of crime. He notches crimes he's solved.

Okay. He didn't make it very clear. And I jack it. I give it the old Sherlock bones. Oh, there comes a foot. There comes on me foot. It's one of my many characters, Mariarty. I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, let's wrap this fucking thing up. Fucking wrap it up. Here we go. Shall we find out if I'm correct? I am literally very much in the mood to know. Right, here we go. The solution. Case number one.

The case of the unholy man. The preacher was in fact a thief who had stolen the original manuscript of Hamlet from an exhibition on the Riviera, where he acquired his tan. The preacher disguised the manuscript as a Bible and had Longworth authenticate it for the Duke, whom the preacher hoped would buy it. Longworth, in desperate need of money, killed the preacher with Hamlet's sword and stole the manuscript. Longworth, who does not smoke, planted the German-made cigarettes near the victim's body to throw off suspicion from himself, but in the process, he accidentally dropped his packet of aspirin. The killer was the Earl of Longworth. The weapon was the sword

and the motive was the manuscript. And that, detectives, is the end of that case. Ah, so there you go. The headaches were the aspirin were connected. Yes, as we all know, Longworth suffered

from terrible headaches. So the killer was? we all know Longworth suffered from terrible headaches So the killer was Longworth With a sword And a motive To sell the original Hamlet script I'm looking for a word

Hamlet script Hamlet's manuscript The Ham script The Ham script The Ham-u-script You're right Moriarty I have therefore beaten you once again in the Mind Palace of Wisdom and Adventure.

Oh, no. Me go. So as a result of this, Mariotti. Yeah? You gotta kiss me. Come on. I've wanted to do this. No, no, no.

Go around the other side of the room No no Oh no So beefy No fuck a foot The knob's a foot The knob is not a foot Although that would be useful

In some situations If the knob was a foot And that's the end of the deep show Well done Paul What did you think? So when I got the end of the deep show well done Paul what did you think so when I got the clue from the porn book how close did you get

it said two part value which is a sort of play on the words of long worth yeah right that's what the killer clues meant

they could tell you the name so the two part the second part of his name is worth which is value right I got that it's quite

you see what I mean it's quite challenging yeah it's I mean how it's different from Cluedo? It's quite challenging. Yeah. It's reasonably challenging to actually work it out. See? Do you know what I mean?

I think it's better than Cluedo because it actually has a murder mystery solving element. Yeah. I haven't got a good head for this kind of puzzle. Really? No.

I kind of like it but I don't think I'm an expert. You can't judge a book by its cover so it's not a Bible. That was my general clue. Yeah. It's not a Bible. It's the manuscript. One of the clues that was read

out was... You got more clues than me just by chance, though, as well. Yeah, but I think I got the good ones as well, to be fair. Like, the murder weapon, it said the murder weapon. To live by this is to die by this sword. And then I just made the jump to him being an actor doing Hamlet, he'd used that sword. It's quite a good game, that. Yeah!

And it was a fiver, and I've seen it around for a fiver in other charity shops, and I more than think, it's like 75 other cases in there. You can also buy extension packs, which have another 50 or so in. Still going strong today. You can buy it brand new, but if you see it in a charity shop, highly recommend it. Lots of fun. It's pretty good, but you would, if you played it like twice,

let's say you played it twice every year at Christmas. Yeah. You'd be done in 35 years. Yeah. You'd be done in 35 years. No, you'd be done in like 100 or so years, wouldn't you? No, there's 75 stories. Yeah. Well, once you know, you know. That's my only criticism. Yeah, but

it doesn't generate a random... It doesn't generate all 75 though. Ever. You could do it in a night. You couldn't do all 75 in a night. We played the fast version. Imagine playing with the thing and the keys and the locks preventing people and

there's four people playing it. The other thing is someone could just take the book and fucking cheat. They could but that's an honour system thing.

So maybe you could get another person in who's only in charge of telling the clues to people. Yeah. You know? That'd be good.

Like a clue master. Yeah. Not bad Paul. Not bad. Anyway that's been Cheap Show for another week. Hope you're enjoying it.

Nice little murder mystery episode. We're back next week. It's exciting. We've got the awards episode on the way. That's going to be very exciting. We've got a TV board game special on the way. I think, spoiler warning, I think we both won several awards.

Well, we'll see. I think we have. We'll see. There may be some surprises on the way. And Rhiannon's put in a disgustingly huge amount of work to make this happen. She certainly has. So she needs all the love and respect in the world, and also probably medical assistance, I'd imagine.

Mental health, definitely. What? Just for listening to us for fucking hours on end. Hours on end. Prozac. She's been timestamping episodes so that we know where to edit to get the clips. I know, it's crazy. She needs a medal or institutionalising.

Either way... Ow, I've hit the end! You little cunt! I know, I'm sorry. Anyway, that's been Cheap Show. Follow us on... Chitter! On Twitter!

At the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon. He is... Eli Snowy, D-L-I-S-N-O-Y-D. The website has pictures and videos to accompany this episode. You can find it by going to thecheapshow.co.uk

We're on Tumblr. We're on Facebook. We're on Instagram. You can find us there. And if you want to email us, you can find it by going to thecheapshow.co.uk we're on tumblr we're on facebook we're on instagram you can find us there and if you want to email us you can by emailing thecheapshow at gmail.com and if you support us on patreon hooray thank you you literally keep us alive and welcome and living and exciting and we keep on doing it for you so and i buy eggs it's all very exciting i buy eggs with it yeah he does and does. I like eggs. All right. I've got a different kind of eggs, Paul. Do you know that?

No, I don't care. Do you know that? I've been on the chestnut marans. I'm wrapping this up now. This is not the time for egg talk. It's egg talk time. It's not egg talk time. Just let this stand, though. Yeah.

I like eggs. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to end it there with Eli saying, I'm sorry, but I like eggs. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to end it there with Eli saying, I'm sorry, but I like eggs. Bank. The Duke of Tallcourt is a well-known collector of manuscripts.