CheapShow - Ep 115: The Winkie Wedding

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

Just how deep is the "Winkie" Rabbit Hole? As it turns out, pretty damned deep! What started as a curious vinyl record find now encompasses 80s toy crazes, billboard stunts, a weird wedding and a famous American fringe artist! Find out more about Winkie... and what we plan to do next. Elsewhere in this extra chunky episode, Eli dishes out a decent Price of Shite and Paul gets to dip his toes into the warm waters of Off Brand Brand Off. Unfortunately, we all know what's coming next as a result. You have been warned. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-115-the-winkie-wedding If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Don't What? We've just I've literally just pressed record It's just your little look Your little glance inside Let's just have a note Something special's happened in here

What? Someone special's been Who? Santa Spores Because he's left a little black bag Full of presents for you Santa Spores? Yeah, Santa Spores

He comes to the House of Pickles To give you presents And I imagine That's what that big bag is there Is that It's a rubbish bag Because I Conscientiously Did a little tidy up.

Oh, no, you know what I love? What have you done there? What do you mean, what have I done there? Oh, stop it. What? Oh, that just slid down. That's nothing to do with me. No, but it slides down onto other...

Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Shut up. Come on. Shut up. I've disturbed this bag of records. Nothing to do with me, Gov. Right. Nothing to do with me. Try not to. You know, come on. I've disturbed his bag of records. Nothing to do with me, Gov. Right.

Nothing to do with me. Try not to, you know, in my livelihood here. You sound like a tramp with a bindle. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy cop. Are you going to move that bin? Why? Because it's a bit open bin bag full of your detritus. Can I start now?

No, you can never start. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls of all ages, welcome to... Boys and girls, can we not? Listen, let's stop. Stop being genderist, for one thing.

Oh, shut up. There's other genders. There's other genders! Right? Yeah. And there's other... There's other baby genders. Is there?

Boys and girls. Baby genders. Boys and girls sounds non-sense. All right. Great. Great? No, not great. You're tying yourself in strings.

Yeah, am I tying myself in strings, Eli? Am I really tying myself in strings? You certainly are. Right. Just try again. No. No for me. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me, Paul Gannon,

and my good friend and co-host, Eli Silverman. Hello there, everybody. Yes. Oh. Welcome to the show that explores the bargain bins, the charity shops, and the... I thought we had already discussed this. Let's remove the bargain bins. How about this?

All right. The show that explores charity shops and second-hand stores. And poundlands. That's a trademark. Right, well, pound-associated stores. And infants! Right, just do it like that. People and infants. People and infants. Welcome to the Jumble Sale. Remember this.

Oh, do you like Jumble Sales? Kids? Jeep Show. You've fucking ruined this. Just let me do it the normal way.'t matter we've had listen i don't want to don't want to show too much paul i don't want to show and tell too much i'm gonna eat your picnic oh no you start you've reverted picnic bars you've reverted what do you think do you like picnic i love picnic do you like a lion hang on welcome to jeep show i hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Dance Floor. How's the pick up? The fight of the shite! This is called guaranteed. Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to the show.

I think I'll go and I'll nuzzle. I think I'm rustling. Are you? I'm rustling Santa's balls. Santa's balls. What have we brought you this year? Empty bags of noodles. Well, there's some empty takeaway stuff.

A lot of plastic toothpicks. I get the mint ones. I mean, I've said this before and I will say it again, but this room literally depresses me. Coming into here is like coming into some Kafka-esque nightmare. You put my box up there as well, haven't you? Oh, I did that. Mate, it's all going to break.

It's not. I'll have no livelihood. Maybe tidy your room. Maybe that. Maybe spend the day where you can gut this place, clean it, wash it down, refresh yourself. Good for your mental health. Good for your space. Good for everything. Yeah, but then I might change.

What, into a nice human being? Yeah. What would you do then? I don't know. You'd have to fucking find some other grubby little cunt to do your podcast wouldn't you oh i ten a penny they're ten a penny you think you're special people like you are ten a penny are they yeah no they're not i walk by eli's every day every day people of all genders and embryos right welcome to the TV show so yeah i want to start this episode off by following up something we mentioned in our last episode.

Ah ha ha. Ah ha ha ha. I'm interested in this. Winky. Winky. It was a big success for Cheap Show. And I can't be more proud of that fact. Yeah, you did.

I took a chance on it. A three pound chance. Took a chance, took a chance, took a chance, took a chance. I took a chance on it. You took a chance. Chaka Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. By Prince.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's another correction. Written by Prince, Chaka Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. By Prince. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's another correction. Written by Prince, performed by Chaka Khan. And as you'd said, if we just sang the song a bit longer, we would have... The bit where he goes, Chaka Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Come and love her because I feel for you. I feel for you.

Yeah, that's the song. Yeah. I saw Chaka Khan has a new album out. Yeah. Do you know, have I discussed this before before but she was the daughter of um activist black panthers oh and um that's why she's got quite an unusual name you know her sister was called uh ticka boom ticka boom khan yeah that's almost as good as chukka ticka boom chukka ticka boom and chukka come down for your dinner ticka boom i love that that's a brilliant name isn't it

come down for your dinner anyway she's saying that's a sort of a a bit of a millstone that song really because people you know what i mean okay it's like no that's my fucking name but that would have been an affotation that they added it's like everyone said pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa no they go uganon i just want to blow my brains out Yeah exactly Look at how she feels Yeah Great singer It's a great artist Full stop That was like a rap bit In that song wasn't it

Yeah I feel for you But I was going to say Wasn't that Chica Khan That would have been added In production I'd imagine It wouldn't have been Written down as a part of the song

Someone said That sounds good Let's put that in there No I think it would have been Written by Prince Because Prince Had A lot of little rap bits

in his tunes. He did little rap bits. Actually, because I found out because I had to do a Prince special set. Yeah, you did. Where a band was playing at the venue doing a Prince special. And the promoter asked me if I'd play Prince or Prince related stuff. I'm imagining though you couldn't play

anything they were going to do in their set. That's right. So he gave me both of their sets and believe me it left you with two tracks every single tune apart from Little Red Corvette which I played I was going to say

Little Red Corvette Red tune I played that when else could you have played I mean Backdance they couldn't have done Backdance no I didn't play Backdance

they wouldn't have done anything off the Backdance I bought a version of Get Off Get Off 51 positions in a one night stand well we've all done that how 51 No, I didn't play backdance. They wouldn't have done anything off the backdance. I bought a version of Get Off. Get Off. 51 positions in a one-night stand. Well, we've all done that.

51? Yeah. I mean, come on. Some of those are just going to be very slight variations. Put his leg up. Raise an eyebrow. It's like, yeah, your legs at right angle, legs up, legs down. It's all the fucking same, eh?

Yeah. 51 positions in a one-night stand. What are you talking about, Prince? Listen, you know what I mean? What are you talking about? Maybe he just meant, like, I don't know, political positions? Like, he'd change his mind fundamentally over the course of three minutes? I'm a centrist. Oh, I'm a right-wing.

Oh, that didn't work. I'm doing it the left-wing. That really didn't work. Oh, and I tried to go for it. Yeah, you did. Fair play to you. Fair play, you went along with it. So, Winky. Winky. Oh, yeah, you did. Fair play to you. Fair play, you went along with it. So, Winky. Winky. Oh, yeah, Winky. So, when we were talking about last episode, I said to you, didn't I,

it's got to be about something. It can't just be this random track. And the little clue was the trademark. As someone pointed out, so we had a few people on Twitter get in touch and message me and just... They did the research for us, so I want to say thank you to...

Ivan? Ivan? Ivan? Just the magazine for us. So I want to say thank you to Ivan. Ivan. Ivan. Just the magazine for us. Fucking hell, Paul. Why can I never get anyone's name right? Not just hers. Ivan.

Yeah. Ivan. It's easy. You just read the letters. What, the I is what? Acts as an I? No, it sounds like an E. Ivan.

So Ivan did some research for us, right? Yes. Right. Got it. Good. Well, she's on the continent, isn't she? She is indeed. And also, if you want to buy the Patreon magazines now, yes got it good well she's on the continent isn't she she is indeed and she found

and also she's if you want to buy the Patreon magazines now like the Patreon people get them free as digital downloads on the Cheap Show Mag the Cheap Show Mag

but if you aren't a patron but you still want to get a mag you can now go to cheapmag.shop and you can order any issues there that you want

all of them the first four are now available but the one that's going out reasonably soon we're on number five now will be held back for a bit okay

anyway so Yvonne anyway did some research on Winky and she noticed the trademark all well and good we've all got that

oh my god every fucking link keeps disappearing that I keep saving what the fuck is going on oh I found it right

so anyway she found out the trademark, right? So she did some research for it, and it said the trademark was for jewellery employing circuitry and flashing lights. And it was made by a company called- Oh, hence the winking. Yeah. The flashy.

Yeah. It was a trademark owned by a company called X-Tronx. Or X-T-R-O-N-X. X-Tronx? Yeah. X-Tronx. X-Tronx. What a stupid fucking name for a company.

So that, I'm going to show you the picture of it now, and it'll be on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. That's what Winky is. It's a badge. Oh, that's the same design that was on the cover. The design of the cover, the label, is this badge. It's an enamel pin badge with two red and green flashing lights. And you've got one now.

I've bought one because they're on eBay. How much are they? It was about $10 or something. Okay. Yeah, not too bad. Not too bad. But it's a vintage piece, isn't it? It's from the 80s.

Yeah, but do you know what it is? It's a little LED. No, it's basically a pet rock. So you know in America, like, pet rock was a thing where you bought a rock and named it. It was hugely popular, yeah. It's just a concept. And it was a stupid concept, but that was the gimmick it was like take your pet rock home it

does this it does that yeah the same advertising was used in winky so it was like help our little winky friend you can help you do the dishes you'll like a tamagotchi a proto tamagotchi yeah but it did nothing it was literally at least it winks it's more than the rock does yeah but then that it doesn't end this so right now i want one well this i want one so i get you one please i'll get you one then hopefully there's some still available but i thought at that point it was like that's the story told finally figured out so it was a tie-in tune but there's that it was on the advert on the tv ad they played the winky tune it was only sold in america so why was a song released in France about it?

What on earth? That's the weird question. It's like there wasn't an English language version of this song, Winky. But that's the Winky design. It's the same design. It is because that song is tied in to Winky. The song is effectively about how amazing Winky is. As a character.

Yeah, no one's really translated it yet for us. I'm sure a few people have tried or they haven't been in touch yet. But the point is, is that, yeah, it is a toy. It's a badge it's a badge it's just a badge but like the gimmick was wear it anywhere it does your dishes it's your best friend it helps you do your dishes it does nothing how would it do your dishes but it comes with doesn't say do it does your dishes it does say that on the inside there's a whole thing that you when you open up the card and it has all the things like what it does like it lists off like its history, how it came to be, who invented it, the escape. It's a little electronic friend. Yeah.

And, you know, add it to your shirt or your hat and make it a fashion piece. I'm going to talk to you. Yeah, because I want one. I can get one. Hopefully it will still work. But all the ones that are bought are all unused stock. So it may work, but it may not. Because the batteries just will have a built-in battery that runs out.

Those batteries will have changed over time. They'll have been thinner, so they might not fit the new badge. So you might have to get an adapter or something to stick it in. Either way, the old new stock is what they say. As Tecmo would say, old new stock. Right, yes. So they're mint on card. But anyway, I want to say thank you to a Twitter user called Sarah.

Say that they're mint on card for me. Mint on card. Thank you. Not quite mint. Sarah's mind spew got in touch with some information and this is where it kind of gets more interesting. I'll just read what she

sent to me. Some cursory googling has turned up some results that seem to indicate the Winky was much more, was as much a peripheral component of a viral marketing campaign as a toy or novelty product. It turns out that Xtronx made, trademarked the Winky name in 1985 Okay. itself in summer of 1985 x trunk staged multiple publicity garnering contests in which people had to live on the billboard structure for as long as they could what so you know those old games where it'd be like touch the truck yeah touching the truck it's like the same go and live on a

winky sign you know what they should do last person to take a shit well you can hold it in there'll be accidents there'll be problematic hospital accidents from someone who ruptures their fucking intestines holding in a giant dookie. And what's the rule? A giant dookie? They've got to eat a whole roast beef sandwich

beforehand. That's... You're playing with fire. I like it. I like to see that. There'll be lots of people walking around like ducks going,

Oh, do it! Call the hospital! And Eli Silverman's been arrested for his hold my shit In competition. The prize wasn't all that good. The prize is you get to take a shit. You get it.

There you go. In a golden toilet. In a golden toilet. On TV. Yes. I want it! No, that would be medically unwise. Unwise.

Yes. As that man on Bostons, as we found out, held it in. He had to go to hospital, didn't we? Yeah, had to go in. Did they surgically remove his poo? Well, you can get a poo transplant, can't you? Yeah, but that's a complicated process.

That involves the germs of someone else's poo coming in to help. No, you take some shit out of someone, put it in someone else's stomach. Yeah, but there's a reason for that. It's not like doctors were bored one day and thought this would be a giggle. I know there's else's stomach. Yeah, but there's a reason for that. It's not like doctors were bored one day and thought this would be a giggle. I know there's a reason. Yeah. Of course there's a reason.

But it's something to do with, like, operations to the... No, it's to people that have... The gut flora. The gut... Spread some gut flora on me sandwiches. That would be lovely. Their gut flora is not right

or is non-existent. Yeah. So they get someone with healthy gut stuff. Yeah. Which is in the shit, of course, because it's in your gut and they slice open the other guy's stomach and put shit in, inside

how bad is that? it's pretty awful, let's move on so in summer 1985 they did this publicity thing so yeah they could live on top of the structure for as long as they could with the last resident becoming winner and there were two news articles about it they couldn't come down where did they poo i'm sorry to keep going about this

did this shit off the back of the thing they might have been like driving along the motorway people taking a crap off that billboard i want to win a prize i want to win win... Someone's telling you crap. Oh, it's a little electronic pet thing. Oh, you're driving down the 101 with your family in your car and suddenly a great big turd lands on your windscreen. Those birds are getting quite big, aren't they? So, one of the articles that Sarah found on this Google leads to an article from 1985.

It is the LA Times and it says, Billboard Romeo caps catwalk romance. Right? A couple of hundred people stood at a busy West Hollywood street corner Thursday to witness

the wedding of Stuart Jeff... of Geoffrey Smart... No, I keep saying his name wrong. Of Geoffrey Stuart and Penny Floyd. Shut up. Stuart Jeffreys.

I got it all confused. Photographers jostled for position. Motorists driving by stood on their brakes and blew their horns as a talking robot traded bon mots with those gathered at the ceremony. That must be Winky. Here we go. That didn't bother Jeff and Penny, though. They were above it all.

About 30 feet above it all, to be precise. They were married on the catwalk of an empty billboard at Sunset Boulevard and Sweetser Avenue this may seem unusual but there was an explanation of sorts Stuart was one of those dozen aspiring actors and actresses

who climbed up to the catwalk last December 11th and vowed not to come down except for a daily shower and four trips to the bathroom every day oh except for coming down every day to fucking deal with yourself. And, you know, Josh, you would, wouldn't you?

You're on top of that billboard. You've got to write bonk on. You've got to wait for your allotted toilet time to go crazy with your gravy. Right. What? So he gets four toilet breaks, comes down and has a shower every day. Yeah. That's just like living on a...

On a... Going to Latitude Festival. You know what I mean? I could do that. That's terrible. breaks comes down and has a shower every day yeah it's just like living in a on a on a going to latitude festival you know i mean i could do that that's terrible it's hardly david blaine the winner would receive a car and some lesser prizes and the real pot at the end of the rainbow a screen test so of course all these desperate actors and actors in la in the 80s are going to do this stunt they get a screen test for what though, they get to go high. They get to have a VHS of them saying, doing a scene from Death of a Salesman. Yeah, and then they can send it to agents and...

Anyway, the sponsor was a San Francisco electronics firm, Extronics Limited, right? Whose product, something called a Winky, had graced the billboard. What? The Winky, reliably reported to be a blinking computer trip and the 1980s answers to a pet rock may or may not make it it didn't it didn't one thing however is certain x tronks got a bundle of publicity out of its modern day version of an

old flagpole sitting stunt the barrage of media attention that reached its heights with thursday's nuptials the groom and bride were gracious enough to conduct a brief interview just before they That's all I need to say. Right. That's all I'm going to say. And she was radiant in a matching silver dress, though properly demure under a white veil she turned up go i'm gonna make the best of this i'm getting married and he was like oh i'm a joker hey aren't i funny yeah i can do cocktails my most famous thing in life is not shitting on top of a billboard there was time for only a few questions the big one being why get married on a billboard catwalk

above the sunset strip stewart? Stuart replied, why not? That's where we found each other. It seemed like the most appropriate place, parentheses, to garner attention for myself and, you know, make the papers and have your name and maybe get a part in Diagnosis Murder. I think it's that kind of thing he's going for, like a soap opera sort of thing. The groom explained that Penny had called the billboard gang after hearing about the stunt on the radio.

So she wasn't even up there. She'd listened to a thing on the radio Extronics had installed phone lines to the catwalk early on So people through a radio could call the people And go, what are you doing on there you dickhead It's so 80s isn't it Next caller, Jack you want to speak to Stuart on the thing Oh Stuart, yeah What are you fucking doing on there?

So, that's how they met. She called in, fell in love, whatever. As fate would have it, Jeff answered the phone and for a bit of small talk, Penny asked him if he needed anything. Stuart said some fresh fruit would be nice. Oh, yeah. Winky. One thing led to another.

Fresh fruit, yeah. Very quickly. Make sure it's a another. Fresh fruit, yeah. Very quickly. Make sure it's a pineapple. Great big banana. Penny showed up on Valentine's Day. Unripe banana. Penny showed up on Valentine's Day. Will you come and fuck me in the arse with a banana?

On top of this big, massive, winky face. Well, he's an exhibitionist. He's probably well into that. So, she turned up with the fruit on Valentine's Day. Jeff was charmed. Penny was smitten. He proposed on St. Patrick's Day. I can't propose any other day.

I need publicity. God, every single thing he does. Picture them. There amidst the diesel fume belching buses of Sunset Boulevard in a short, sort of reverse, speeded-up Romeo and Juliet balcony scene with Penny below, Jeff up high, and a dozen other weird but wonderful would-be actors in the wings.

This sounds like a shit fest. Mate, it could be a movie. Let's make a movie of Winky! Copyright Borg and Eli! And anyway, they found a way. They found love. We found a lot of things Stuart said. Good contacts,

other actors, an agent or two, a book and screenplay about the billboard living experience that he and a fellow sitter were working on. Wow. That never happened, obviously. Let's get hold of that. Obviously, I found more than anyone else.

I found the woman of my life. Weird phrase, that. Woman of my life? She's the woman of my life. It's like woman of my dreams, woman of my fantasies, woman of my life. Yeah, I think maybe he just didn't use the correct phrase many many many problems

with him Penny the receptionist at an accounting firm blushed slightly but recovered quickly and said she thought that she and Jeff were made for each other

because you're both daft yes we have the same slightly sick sense of humour she said if he gets mad I guess he can always

go sit on a billboard and I'll bring him more fruit I've had enough of, I guess he can always go sit on a billboard and I'll bring him more fruit. I've had enough of this, bitch! I'm going to go sit on my billboard! Get my fucking bananas! Harden the bananas! The ceremony turned out to be your basic, traditional Jewish wedding on a billboard catwalk

with a rabbi. Your fucking image of this! They're Jewish. That was a difficult part, Stuart explained. I must have telephoned... That was a big deal because, you know,

if you've got Jewish parents, they're going to put pressure on you to marry Jews. So this is a bit, you know, woman of my life. Perhaps it goes back to that. Yeah, maybe.

Because you know who is the woman of your life? Your mum. Your mum. And, you know, if your mum's one of these... That was a difficult part, Stuart explained. I must have telephoned

every rabbi in Los Angeles before one of them passed me on to a rabbi called Richard Sashay of Woodland Hills, who would do it. Later that day, the happy couple... He's a desperate rabbi. ...drove off in a ship. He's a down-on-his-luck rabbi. A reckless rabbi. What you got? What you got? I'll do

bar mitzvahs. I'll do backstreet... Meshuggahs. I don't know Jewish things. Backstreet Meshuggahs. It's a Jewish boy band in the 90s. That is good. Right.

So, they got chauffeured off to a nearby hotel and apparently they're looking for an apartment and a cruise to Hawaii. As for the prizes, Stewart said he and the three other finalists who all agreed to come down after the wedding

would split the goodies. Oh, that's a shame, because I like them. Bill Oddie, Timbrook Taylor, they all got one each, Graham Garland. Who would you like?

Not anyone apart from Oddie. I'd probably go with Graham Garland. Would you? I love Timbrook Taylor, but he'd be very comforting to have. None of us want Oddie around. No, he's got smelly feet he does it was a fair enough arrangement as uh hollywood deals go so that's that but one last explanation of the french pop record is there no no there's there's a little bit more extra that the the winky trademark has expired. We could get it. Wow. And now Xtrunks,

I hate that word, it sounds stupid, is now a digital outdoor media company specialising in brokering advertising space on dynamic LED installations. Here's the other thing as well. Do you know who Keith Haring is? The artist?

Yeah. He's involved in this story. Ah. Do you want to know why? Because he got commissioned somehow to do artwork for this wedding. So he did this, the Winky Wedding. And if you know his artwork, it's hard to describe, but you'd recognise it when you saw it. It's extremely recognisable, stylised line drawing.

Yeah. The look it gave me when you said that. You're like, pretentious art critic. You crossed your arms and everything. Listen. This picture by Herring, it features a wedding cake

with two figures, like you get the bride and the groom on top of wedding cakes. It's dancing. They have little hearts on their chest, but their heads are winkies. Yeah. And that's the thing. What? They're dancing on their chest, but their heads are winkies. Yeah. What?

They're dancing on a cake, Penny Floyd and Jeffrey Stewart. June 6th, 1985, 4pm, RSVP. So I think he designed the wedding invitations. That's what this artwork is, a wedding invitation. RSVP to a number. Master of Ceremonies, Robert Seiko. Time Pieces, Swatch. Hair by Vidal Zassou.

He must have got paid because... Yeah. Sunset and Sweets, no. Hollywood Boulevard, California. So yeah, he did that. He did a wedding poster. Publicity store that took place on June 6th. Electronic Toy, all the stuff we know. Dr. Winky Lawrence Lim was the owner of San Francisco

famous Club DV8 where Haring had painted large murals. Yeah, because he was very much involved with the sort of subculture. Yeah. Herring. Strange how deep this rabbit hole goes. Yeah. So the Brighton groom, we know we met on the billboard,

advertising this winky. They'd called to get involved. I've got a Keith Herring domino set. Have you seen my Keith Herring domino set? Yeah, that's what reminded me of where I've seen it before. Yeah. So that's the whole weird thing.

And the stunt had also product tie-ins with Swatch, Vidal Sassoon and Perrier-Cardin. I bet there was a Swatch, Winky Swatch. Do you know how much this painting is,

if you wanted to buy it? Is it the original? Well, this is like either, it must be a copy actually, but if you wanted to buy a poster of this. Of the Winky wedding cake invitation. A grand. One thousand dollars. Well, he's copy, actually. But if you wanted to buy a poster of this. Of the Winky Wedding Cake invitation.

A grand. $1,000. Well, he's very, yeah. Almost as expensive getting tickets to see fucking Ghostbusters. At Wizard World. What a fucking rip-off. Topical. So, that's where we are with the story.

But we still don't know what happened to Penny and Stuart. We still don't know why there was a French song released, other than it must have been that's how they decided to publicise it in France. But then it never... But there's nothing in... But they never sold any Winkies in France. No. Very strange.

It's this... They must have thought, well, the record didn't sell very well. Yeah, but how would... I don't know. Maybe they gave the record a... He's going... He's your little friend. He does the dishes.

Yeah, maybe. He will help you out. He's the Winky. He's the, he's your little friend. He does the dishes. Yeah, maybe. He will help you out. He's the winky. He's the winky. You know, it's interesting. It's like, do you know when Transformers came out and there's a cartoon series and toy line and that? It feels like that, but on a social, almost social media scale.

It's like today, this would be a social media event. Yes. It's just something they came up with, which they never managed, didn't catch on. No. But me and you are going to get badges. We're going to get the badges. And Event also designed some Winky T-shirts. Cheap Show Winky T-shirts.

So I think once we get Redbubble going in March, you can order Cheap Show Winky T-shirts. Why not? Trademark's gone. Fuck them. The last piece of the puzzle would be a translation of the lyrics. Yeah. And what else did we find out about the people who made the song? Is that two of the members went on to form a sort of prog funk group,

which had some success in France. Yeah. We had a few links sending us stuff like that. But again, I don't know too much about that. But yeah, they went on to do that. And then again, we still got the back end of this. The guy on the website, on YouTube, with his Stonewall cat video. Yeah, Stonewall cat.

So it's a world of Winky. It's a world of Winky. Imagine a whole theme park, the world of Winky. Come on the flashing light ride. Come on the billboard. Shit off the billboard. Take a picture with your mother. You can have like a roller coaster.

It goes up to the top of the billboard you take a shit no but like there's a toilet built into the yeah the car yeah you shit and then it comes down again all right so the winky haunted house would be you driving around the dog like in the road and poos on your head no hang on we've turned this into a poo based thing i don't think Winky reflects that, really. That's something we've put on Winky. No, just with the billboard, you... We put the poo on Winky. What about... This is the longest Eat Quick first segment of the show we've done. It's 33 minutes.

Yeah, but there was dead air while you were shuffling around. There was lots of dead air while I couldn't find links and stuff. Okay, well, what have we got coming up on the show? Oh, shit! We haven't done it in a while. Off-brand Randolph. I see. Hang on.

I'm eating me picnic. It's ten minutes, is it? Ten minutes? Okay. Yeah, just tell him. Just give him a cup. Give him a cup of coffee or something. Alright. Yeah, okay. Off-brand Randolph, yeah. All right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Off Brown Brandoff. Yeah. Yeah. What was all that? Nothing. Just. You know, he's not allowed on the premises. Who's not allowed?

You fucking know who's not allowed on the premises. I don't know what you're talking about. We've been doing good recently on not having too many characters in an episode. Right. Just saying, if there's one particular character outside waiting for a coffee. There's not. There's going to be problems. There's not.

I don't want you to confuse us bringing back off-brand Brandoff with your excuse to bring back one of the most disgusting characters he's not disgusting you know who are you talking about

I don't know what you're talking about stop eating your picnic I'll do whatever the fuck I like if you're bringing Richard Brandoff back on the show it's his segment

it's not his segment it's my this is my show! My show! All right. But yeah, he'll turn up later. Yeah, he's scumming, isn't he? It's inevitable.

You know it. So we've got that. And we also have a price of shite. I have a lovely little price of shite for you today, Paul. Three items, classic format,

and I won't have rubbed my knob on all of them. Well, that's a shame. Yeah? Like you do. I don't rub my knob on it. You do metaphorically. You go, ah, fucking... Is that because I buy stuff that is quite good or interesting? You lie about the origin of your items.

You still put a shit tie around your neck. Exactly. I made you put a tie I found in dog dirt on your person. Do you know how hard that made me? How absolutely

throbbing and tumescent. Mate, I thought, I honestly thought that Dan was going to break on it and it would just pop.

You were going to burst your penis? I could hear it pumping on my stereo. My balls, my left, right and my right speaker. Left and right speaker, my left, right and my right speaker. Left and right speaker.

Your left, right and your right. Right, this ends events. You bollocks. Yeah, my speakers and my winky is my radio. All right, end the segment. Oh, I can't wait. It's been a while since we've done this. Because we have cheap eats and all that stuff and things,

and a league of snacks. But you know what? Every now and then, it's good to go to... Off Brand Off. Off Brand Off. Off Brand Off. Off Brand Off. Off Brand Off.

Off Brand Off. Off Brand off Brand off Brand off Brand off Brand off Not my off Not my broth off Not my broth Not my broth Broth Broth Broth Broth

Broth Broth Broth Broth Broth Brand off Broth Broth

Broth Broth Off brand off Off brand off Brand off Broth Broth Broth

That's it Shut up Shut up Off brand off Off Right Off Brand off, off. Right. Off, off, off, off.

Brand off. Good. Have you fucking finished? Off, off, off, off. Brand off, off. Ow. Brand off. Off, brand, brand off is the section of the show.

Off, brand, brand off. Don't you fucking dare. Every time I say it, though. Off, brand, brand off. Brand, brand. Brand off. Off, off, brand off. It's off, brand, brand off. Off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, off, off, brand off, brand off. It's off, brand off, off, brand off, off, brand off, brand off, off.

Generally, are you having a moment? Are you fucking losing your mind? It's not the way that... It's when he does that. Piddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle. It's off, brand off, brand off, brand off, off, brand off. We have not spent one minute and ten seconds singing this. Brand off, brand off.

I've got autism. Brand off. OBBO, for brevity, OBBO is the second of the show where we compare brand food items against the off-brand food items and hopefully see if you can maybe judge which one's the brand, which one's the off-brand, or and hopefully see if you can maybe judge which one's the brand,

which one's the off-brand, or maybe just which one you prefer. And I've done very well over the years on these. Biscuits. Jaffa cakes. Biscuits. Jaffa cakes are very easy to differentiate. Did we do crisps?

We did mayonnaise. Yeah, we did mayo. Yeah, we did do crisps because we did a monster munch and thing when we did the Liverpool live show. Remember? We did that. Yeah, we did that.

So, yeah, we have covered it all. But what I've been trying to do for a while and I think is really quite a good angle to take on off brand brand off is cereal. Because I like cereal. Do you like cereal? I like it, but I don't really care. So the point is, I go, go on. No, you don't mind it. Because you're going to have a few boxes. I don't care what I think. No. You don't mind it? Because you're going to have a few boxers to...

You don't care what I think of cereal, do you? I don't. You actually don't. But then I forgot I need content for a podcast. Other people do, Paul. Yeah? So, my point was that... You don't...

I was about to say what I think of cereal. I'm going to eat my picnic. Oh, do not eat your picnic. I'm not that into cereal. I shouldn't have eaten the picnic. Why not? I just, I like it, but I never buy it for myself. Do you know what?

What would be your top ever cereal? Oh, that's a very good question. I would probably go for, on average. Bite for bite? Yes. Crunchy nut cornflakes. They would probably go for, on average, bite for bite. Yes. Crunchy nut cornflakes. They're nice. They're a good solid brand.

Good cornflake. Nice flavour. Peanutty. Makes your milk a little bit creamy. A little bit creamy. A little bit more creamy. A bit kind of honey. I like Special K red berry.

Oh, that's interesting. Why? That's my favourite. Because it's got Red Berries in it Yeah Dehydrated Berries Yeah Eli

Is losing his Fucking shit He's got Dried up little raspberries Yeah All The juice Squeezed out

Yeah Bit like your balls Yes My dick Is like all the juice squeezed out. Yeah, a bit like your balls. My dick is like a Special K cold flake. I love Special K. Yeah. Because it's got a whole texture thing that is unique in its own right, isn't it? It's a bit more bubbly, isn't it?

It has a sort of bubbly. It's a bubbly flake. It's the aero of cereal. It's the whisper of snacks. It's the whisper of cereal snacks. Whisper of cereal. It's the whisper of snacks. It's the whisper of cereal snacks. Whisper of cereal. Whisper, whisper. So, I thought what I'd do today for Cheap Show,

for brough, off brough, brough, off brough. For off brand, brand off. Brough. Is compare cereal, brand, off brand. Do you know what we should do? What? Off brand, brand off, broth. What, a soup?

Yeah. Tomato soups? Yeah. Oh, there we go. Brough, off broth, brand off. Offbrand, brand-off broth. What, a soup? Yeah. Tomato soups? Yeah. Oh, there we go. Off-broth, brand-off. Off-broth, off-broth-broth. Off-brand, broth-off. That has to happen, Paul.

I think it already has. Off-brand, broth-off. Alright. We're doing cereal today. We're doing cereal today. We could do that. We could do Campbell's and Heinz. Yeah. And like a posh one. Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. Broth-off.

Broth-off. Froth-off. Broth-off. Frothy broth-off. Right. Right. So can we start this segment, please, before we have any more random moments? So we're going to do Kellogg's, which is universally considered the cereal brand.

I think, in fact, it's the inventor of breakfast cereal were the Kellogg's. There's a dollop episode all about it. Yes. But in a nutshell, long story short. He was an evil, weird, fucked up weirdo. Who didn't like you touching your junkie punks. And you'd have to have purged your bum hole every three hours. He'd be no good on that fucking Winky sign, would he?

No, he'd be shitting all over it. He'd be sticking hoses all up people's arses and pumping them. There'd be all streaks down Winky's eyes. Oh, poor Winky. Winky's crying brown tears, mummy. Winky! Winky! Winky!

Broth of. What? I keep forgetting what we're doing. Don't forget what we're doing. So Kellogg's, yes. The original cereal guy. So the original ones were Corn Flakes. Well, Corn Flakes, but it was like, I think they originally did some kind of muesli and

then the Corn Flakes came later. Muesli came before the Corn Flakes, yeah. Kellogg's. It was deeply religious, wasn't it? It was all sort of religious based health. Yeah, it was a strange guy with very strange beliefs about sex and bodily hygiene. It was all about, yeah,

it was all about cleanliness, internal cleanliness and moral cleanliness. Physical and mental detoxing, yeah. So, regardless of all that, I've picked three brands to choose from today. You're going to go up against,

so we've got Kellogg's Corn Flakes. The original. Yeah. And best. That's their motto, isn't it? The original and it doesn't say on the box just says cornflakes we got coco pops coco pops my name's what's his fucking name is coco my name's so coco i'm a monkey like you i live in the jungle not in the zoo my pyjamas in a big red box, but I'd rather put my dick in Samantha Fox.

Oh yeah. Did you say that in school? Yeah, it was what they did in the advert. That's like Batman. What was that Batman one? Batman and jungle? No. Ooh, I lost my bra. Batman. Oh no, it's

Did you skid? Jingle bells Batman smells Robin flew away The Batmobile Lost its wheels And Joker made

Bad investments Did a skid Lost its Variations Many variations Bust his nuts out On a Dustbin lid

Yeah many variations Round the corner Chocolates made Yeah Milk Milk Lemonade Round the corner

Chocolates made Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Oh yeah Milk Milk Lemonade Round the corner chocolate's made Yeah Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner chocolate's made Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Oh yeah Milk, milk, lemonade Round the corner chocolate's made Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Oh yeah Oh yeah

Eat my chocolate, eat my chocolate Eat my pissy, pissy chocolate Right, that's enough And now I've come And it's made it milky Right, and finally Frosties Frosties I've come. And it's made it milky. Right. And finally, Frosties. Frosties, Coco Pops, and Corn Flakes. They are the three brands you'll be testing today.

Okay. Right? Well, they're three sub-brands. Kellogg's is the brand. Yeah, I guess. But you know what I'm getting at. Cereal types. Yes.

Now, I went out and bought the knock-off brands you can get in. For all three of these. Yeah, I went to Morrison's and I went to Aldi and bought their versions of these snacks. So you're going to be going up against, Frosty's going up against a brand. I believe I can show you. Because I will, ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't heard us do Off-Brand Brand Off before, it's a blind taste test that I do. So I blindfold myself and then I try and differentiate between the things that Paul puts in my

mouth. I don't know why that particularly was funny. Anyway, we've got Crownfield Corn Flakes. Is this like an Aldi brand? This is the Aldi brand. Now this was 71p for a big box. This is huge. This is 500 grams. Because they're not very

expensive stuff, is it? But Kellogg's is though. I think a big box of Kellogg's is two pounds. Well, we're going to put that to the test today and see if you can save yourself a hell of a lot of money by just getting the brand off, the off brand. Don't fall over. Don't fall over. Next.

I've got... This is from Morrison's. Choco Crackles. Morrison's Choco Crackles. Which are different from Pops. And they've got a more... there's a monkey on the cover still there's still a monkey monkeys

obviously associated with chocolate rice crispy cereal snacks yes I think we could all agree the monkey is the universal but that comes from the Kellogg's Cocoa Pops

didn't it because that's how they do it it looks the same on the shelf so you buy it yeah it's not exactly the same but we've talked about it before like minstrels

remember that knock off of minstrels that we saw called counters or whatever. Same colour, same font almost. That's what they do. That's what these budget brands do.

And finally from Morrison's Frosted Flakes. Now they've gone for a totally different creature. What does that look like? He looks like a Monster Munch monster.

He looks like Teen Yeti. He does look He looks like Teen Yeti. He does look a lot like Teen Yeti. Has Teen Yeti sold out and started doing Frosted Flake ads? He's been in talks with all sorts of people. But what he's gone for is he's going to be the new charming toilet paper bear. So you're going to be seeing Teen Yeti wiping his arse? Because he has that whole issue with his matted poo.

He's got proper clagnuts, that guy. So he's going to be one of those things where Teen Yeti comes out. Yeah. Hello. Hello. You may know me from my hit Smoke the Snow and I'm Teen Yeti here before. But I suffer, like a lot of people do, from waggonuts.

And they get all hard and it really ruins my day. So I get these Charmin Dissolver Lots and I dissolve the waggonuts right off and then I'm ready to perform. Ooh, Teen Yeti! Ooh! That's it. Charmin Clagnut Cleanuck cleaner it's a clagnuck cleaner that's what he's gone for so um that is not teen yeti and in fact i think someone should uh let jimmy biscuits know

because he represents hey what's this i hear i'm coming in hello i'm jimmy biscuits You know it. What's going on? Is there a cut case? Well, Jimmy, look at this. Who does this remind you of? Why? That's a knockoff of Cheap Show's very own brand teen yeti. It is.

Gee whiz, Billykins. You need to get on the phone to Morrison's, Mr. Biscuits. Yeah. And tell them, in no uncertain terms, that they need to take that off or pay us. All right, I gotta do it. Bear with me. Hello? Morrison's.

Hello, yes, Morrison's here. You have a character on your cereal for Frosted Flakes, I've been told, that looks suspiciously like Cheap Song's... He's called Adolescent Snowman. Oh, well, that's a... That's our character, Adolescent Snowman. He's got nothing to say. It's very similar.

Because he's a real person. It's very similar to Teen Yeti. He's here. I'm putting Adol... Listen. I'll put me on the phone to him. You don't believe he's real, Mr. Biscuit? I'll put him on the phone.

I'm going to get Adolescent Snowman on the phone. Do it. It's these guys. Who's this? This is Jimmy Biscuit from Cheap Show. I'm Adolescent Snowman. Hello. Who's this? This is Jimmy Biscuits from Cheap Show. I'm Adolescent Snowman. Yeah.

What is it? We want your face off the front of Frosted Flakes because you look like Teen Yeti from Cheap Show. Do not... Don't say that name to me. I'm Adolescent Snowman.

I've been here before Teen Yeti. I'll be after Team Yeti. And if he has a problem with me, you tell him, come up. Come up where I live, which is called the Hill of Dirty Underwear,

and tell him... Accent's going. It's not going anywhere. And tell him we'll have a fight. So that's a no. Goodbye. Paul, Eli, he said no. Alright. Well, there you go then. Done. We'll have a fight So that's a no Goodbye Paul Eli

He said no Alright Well there you go then Done We were doing well for no characters last week And now we've done fucking loads of them How desperate So anyway

Shall we start the test What are you going to use today As an eye patch I've got one Handly here My scarf And this is a good one It's nice

Nice tartan Design It's nice Here we go let me take a picture so people ladies at home ladies and gentlemen at home can see that you are indeed blindfolded indeed i'm not going to cheat on this no you're doing very well so we're going to start with a what would you like to start with cornflake oh let's start with the cornflakes man the classic all right afterwards if i get the sugar in my mouth, it affects the flavour, doesn't it? Right, because it...

You know there's that thing when you eat something sweet and then it sort of turns sour? Yeah. As it, you know... Because that's how the bacteria gets to work on it in your mouth, I guess. Just a few thoughts, Paul, on what I'm expecting the difference to be. I'm expecting the cornflakes... What I'm expecting the difference to be. What are you expecting?

I'm expecting the cornflakes, the knockoff cornflakes to be more cardboardy, have less of a corn flavour and more of a cardboardy sort of neutral mulch. Do you see what I mean? And I'm expecting the real cornflakes to have more structural integrity. Integrity. Oh, nice try. Integrity. Oh, nice try. Integrity. Structural integrity

and a more distinct corn flavour. Okay. That's fair enough. So, I've prepared two little pots. Right. Are we having milk

on them, are we? Yes, there's going to be milk on them. Have you got a spoon? I'll go get a spoon. All right. We'll do that because I've already made the

mark, so you're fine. I've got the spoon. So this is cornflakes we're starting with, is it? Yeah. I'll fix it. Don't you worry, love. Here we go. Right, it's right there in front of you, okay?

Okay. Right, so I've got a little milk. I've got some little plastic cups. I've poured a bit of cereal in each one. Okay. So let me just add the milk now. I'm not going to put a lot in just because, obviously.

No, don't put a lot in. It'll go soggy, won't it? Yeah, just enough to just, you know, give it a base coat. Have you got a pen and paper? Ready? In a second, I will.

Okay. Got it. You got it? Yeah. Okay. Right, here we go. So I'm going to give you your first... This is either Kellogg's

or Crownfield. Crownfield. All right. So I'm passing you the first one now, okay? Here we go. I love the smell of cornflakes, I have to say. Yeah. It's that kind of slightly burny.

All right. So the smell's good. That, to me, is a very cornflaky smell. Yeah. Mmm. How's the taste of it? How's it feeling? Like cornflakes, mate.

I don't know what else to say. Well, that's it. For the time being, that's all we need, okay? You've had a taste. I'm going to give you the second one now. And then once you've had that, you might be able to build a better picture in your head. Yeah, I need some comparison.

All right, here we go. I'm handing you cornflakes. Okay, so here's the second item now. Let's get the huff on. He's giving it the huff. Let's have a look. I'm just trying to clear my palate. Less huff.

Less huff. Distinctly less huff. Interesting. Which is now already pointing me towards this being the knockoff, I reckon. Interesting. Okay. Yeah, there's just not as strong a corny huff on that. Okay.

A corny huff, ladies and gentlemen. You've heard it here first. There's not as strong a corny huff on these. Okay. A corny huff, ladies and gentlemen. You've heard it here first. Not as strong a corny huff on these. Yeah. Okay. He's having a munch. What the flavour's saying. Hey, what's the flavour saying?

It's, these are sweeter. Noticeably sweeter. Really? Mm. Interesting. And softer. Do they feel less, less crunchy? As a result, like less corn flaky?

Yeah. Yeah. So. And they're much softer the structural integrity is down yeah and just not as strong a flavour

not as strong a flavour no okay so if I'm going to go by what I expected the difference to be yeah

I'm going to say the first one would have to have been the Kellogg's okay because it just had they were more corn flaky the more corn flaky I'm going to say the first one would have to have been the Kellogg's. Okay. Because it just had, they were more corn flaky. They're more corn flaky, more smell and flavour of corn, and brittler.

Sort of more, you know, held its crunch a bit more. Held the crunch. That's the term I'm looking for. It held its crunch. Let me just have one more. He's having one more little bite. And it's only fair that he has another taste before he ties himself down to any kind of final result. These have already started to go soggy.

Oh, dear. You know, in the minute we've been talking about them, and they're sweeter. Okay. Yeah, those taste like cheaper cornflakes to me. Okay. Okay. All right. Give us that then.

So you're going to lock in number one was Kellogg's and number two was Crown. And Field. And I'd also say in terms of personal preference, I preferred the first one. Oh, okay. Let me just circle that so I know. All right, good. The next one we're going to do then, what do you want to do?

Frosties or Cocoa Pops? Let's do Cocoa Pops. So I've got, you know, because Frosties are very similar to Corn Flakes because they are just sugared. They're frosted Corn Flakes. So if we have a little palate, it will act as a palate cleanser in between to have the Cocoa Pops. See what I mean?

Yeah. All right. I'm fine with that. All right, I'm giving... I'm preparing them now. What was your opinion of Cocoa Pops growing up? Did you like them? I like Cocoa Pops a lot.

I do as well. It's one of those things where they're horribly sweet and more rich, so you burn through a box of them. Now, you've told me you are one of these midnight cereal eaters, aren't you? I'm a secret cereal eater.

You like to eat them... Ah, swipes. Ah, swipes. Lemonade. Ah, whites. Ah, swipes. Yeah, I like it. I prefer almost to snack on cereal than anything else, like crisps or sweets or chocolate.

If I've got a nice big bowl of cornflakes in my provisional vision, I'm going to have them. Yeah? Yeah. At the moment, I'm trying a thing called peanut nut clusters, which are very muesli-like and a bit too hard work. You know what muesli is really hard work at times? It's clumpy.

I like alpin. Yeah. Yeah. No. I'm not really into it. I'm not really into muesli is really hard work it's clumpy i like alpen yeah yeah yeah no no i'm not really into it i'm not really into music we used to growing up because we were macrobiotic and we didn't have any just shut up we we weren't allowed milk so we used to allow milk the fucking sound of it we weren't allowed milk so what we what we had for breakfast was this stuff called crunchy have Have you ever heard of crunchy? It's not muesli, but it's similar. It's a sort of... Oh, it sounds dreadfully middle class.

It's nasty. It was called crunchy. It's just sort of oats, sort of oats with, like, honey on to make them all crunchy. Yeah? Yeah. And we'd have concentrate, diluted apple juice from concentrate on it. No wonder that you're the way you are. What, from that? because of things like that

it was so and your schools were so joyless so joyless can you imagine a mouth of like horrible soft muesli

with apple juice on nice do you want some cocoa pops now yeah let's do it right here's your first one here's your next one ooh

what are you thinking there's a smell of cocoa there is there's a smell of cocoa there that thinking? There's a smell of cocoa. There is a smell of cocoa there. That's good. There is a smell of cocoa there. Do you... The half is cocoa. Are you familiar with Cocoa Pops?

What do you mean, am I familiar? Well, you could sniff that and go, that smells like Cocoa Pops, but do you have a memory in your head of what you think Cocoa Pops should taste and smell like? Yes. Yes, I do. The half is there.

I mean, again, it's going to be hard for me to compare. It's always tough to commit to anything on the first item. On the first item, yeah. So here we go. He's having a big munch of, could it be Cocoa Krispies or could it be Cocoa Pops? Let's find out. What's he saying? Tastes like Cocoa Pops.

Yeah. Has the milk gone chocolatey? It will do eventually. I can't tell. Well, it's gone chocolatey by my sighting. Yeah. Nice, pleasant. eventually. I can't tell. Well, it's gone chocolatey by my sighting. Yeah. Nice. Pleasant. Yeah. Alright, great. So, alright, put that down. Give it to me. Reach out.

Here we go. Not a very strong chocolate flavour. Okay. Maybe if there's a stronger chocolate flavour on the second one, I might be inclined to think it's the... Okay. Well, here is the second one. Kellogg's. Here is the second one. They're more expensive. They should be more expensive for a reason You'd think, do you know what I mean?

Cocoa Pops is a luxury item, so if this knock-off Ends up being alright, then it could be a fine substitution I'm going for the Huff there, Paul Yeah, and the Huff, what's it say? It's got a more amplitude Oh, he said it, ladies and gentlemen It has more amplitude, mate It has plenty amplitude

It's got plentitude It's got amplitude, mate. Okay. It has plenty amplitude. It's got plentitude. Okay. It's got amplitude with attitude. So... Yeah, it's chocolatier. Yeah? It's a chocolatier huff. All right.

So what? What's the flavour? It's a deeper chocolatier huff. Mmm. Definitely. Now, I'm now expecting, on the taste, for this to have a chocolate advantage. I don't know why that sounds rude to me. It just does.

Last night I took her home and she asked for a chocolate advantage. I gave her it. She couldn't walk for a week. Right, here we go. He's having a munch on snack cereal number two. Oh, he's having a nice taste. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. These taste nicer.

In what way, though? Because you know, like with fake chocolate we've had before, there's always that sugary bitterness to fake chocolate? It's that. That is missing from these. That was present in the first one. It's a smoother chocolate. It's a smoother, more rounded flavour.

Okay. Which is another way of saying amplitude. But anyway, I'll go for the second of the two Coco Pops to be the on brand and the first to be the off brand. So you're saying the first is off and the second is on? They had a sharper sweetness, the first one. Okay. Which one do you prefer, though, actually, out of interest?

Second one. So you prefer the second one? Yeah. And I think it is the Kellogg's. All right me that here on to our final cereal snack i keep saying snack i don't know why they are snack that's the thing they it's deceptive because they they market it as a healthy option do you know what i mean yeah but it's not really it's not it's like when you see those uh bullshit like kellogg's snack bars it's like when you see those bullshit Kellogg's snack bars. It's like, oh, it's a healthy Cocoa Pops bar. There is nothing

healthy about a chocolate milky snack bar like that. I mean, enjoy it for what it is, but don't try and sell me on some kind of health promise. Yeah, yeah. Don't sell me sugar and say it's salt. Yeah. Well, if it was salt, you'd be in trouble. I don't know, mate. I'm just

digging. Well, if it was salt, you'd be in trouble. I don't know, mate. I'm just digging. Well, I'm trying to pick up audio cues from what you're pouring there, and it's confusing me. It doesn't matter, though, does it? Because I'm going to swap them all around. Milk, milk, lemonade.

Round the corner, chocolate's made. Right, here we go. Bit of milk in here for this one. Give it a good old swirl. Same again. Right, here we go. Bit of milk in here for this one. Give it a good old swirl. Same again. Milk, swirl. Get it all swirled up for me. It's very important

that the milk does as much as it can. Penetrates and covers all the flakes. Like having sex with someone with skin conditions. Oh, brilliant.

No, really. Top work, Paul. Right. Top work from Paul. Here. Top work from Paul. Here we go. Your first of the Frosted Flake type cereals. Again, it has a corn-like huff. Good.

It has a corn-like huff. Hard to differentiate the huff from the huff of the plain Corn Flakes. Yeah. But again, not as strong as the first of the plain Corn Flakes that I tasted. Okay. So, if we're going by half alone, I'm thinking the first one you gave me is the off-brand, maybe. Of this one, you mean?

Yes. All right, well, here we go. Just from the smell. It's interesting how the smell plays a big part. He's having a munch. Yeah, what's he thinking? Very crunchy. Yeah.

You can feel the corn in there yeah you know the crispy corn uh huh on first when the flavour hey don't stick a fucking pen

in my face he's got a blindfold I could do anything don't do it I've been nude for the past five minutes yeah do you want to try a sausage

next we're doing sausages are we yeah we're doing sausages this one's cold I'll chomp I'll chomp it Yeah

I'll chomp it hard Yeah I'll give you amplitude You dirty little hairy bastard Anyway Quick Before this one gets too soggy It reminded me of

Crunchy nut cornflakes Tasted very much Okay You know They're very close aren't they Crunchy nut cornflakes Just have a bit more Honey Honey sweetness And peanut They have actual peanut pieces Alright we'll quickly have this one very much. You know, they're very close, aren't they? Country nut cornflakes just have a bit more honey.

Honey sweetness. And peanut. They have actual peanut pieces on them. All right. We'll quickly have this one before it gets too dry. Too wet, sorry, even. Here we go. This is the second now of the cereal snacks.

Let me just get this. Stop saying snacks! Why? It's not a snack. It's a cereal. It's just a bowl. It's a cereal. All right.

I mean, I don't think, you know. Go on. It's a snack, isn't it? Go on. I just need to clear my mouthpiece of the uh the residual corn flakes yeah oh oh snuffle snuffle again it's not as strong it's not as strong and it's cheaper smelling and i will say this though to be fair to this because it's we were talking a bit longer on the last one that has gone a bit soft already so you're not to have the crunch. So just see how you go. Oh, that's much sweeter. Is it?

Yeah. Oh, that's much more what I'd associate with the Frosties. Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. But is it better sweeter? Oh, okay.

It works better. I thought you were saying it doesn't have any of that crunchy nut sort of residue. Okay. I reckon this, the second one, crunchy nut sort of residue. Okay. I reckon this the second one is good Kellogg's. Okay. And the first one? And it has a deeper corniness if I'm thinking about

the huff. A deeper corny huff. Do you prefer the first or the second one? I prefer the second one. Alright. Sweeter, but it works. With this it works, you know. Okay, take off your blindfold. With the cornflakes I feel like the test is now over. With the cornflakes, I feel like... The test is now over. With the corn...

I feel like the sweetness adds to the cheapness because they're trying to add more... to overcome the poor quality of the corn with the cornflakes. But with Frosties, it's all about the sugar. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. That's my reasoning, Paul.

All right, so shall we see how you did? Yes. Okay, so we started off with the Corn Flakes. And you said the first was Kellogg's, and the second was the Crownfield. And you preferred the first. The first one I gave you was Kellogg's, and the second was the Crownfield. Get in. There you go.

Oh, baby. Number two. The first one you tried, you said was the Morrison's get in and there you go oh number two at the first one you tried you said was the morrison's brand coco pops and then you said the second was the kellogg's brand and you preferred the second once again correct you were right the off-brand one was first and the on-brand one was second really feeling good yeah even if i'm wrong on the last one that's not too bad And finally actually before we go any further

was it hard this or did you think by and large it was quite an easy distinction between the two It was more of a gut feeling thing More of a gut feeling thing Okay

Anyway Number three They weren't that different No they were quite close I mean there's not that not a great it wasn't like oh you know That's filth and that's great

No not at all It was subtle But there were certain tells. Why? Have I got all three right? Well, I'm about to say, you thought the Frosted Flakes, the first one was Morrison's, and the second was the Arnbrand Kellogg's, and you preferred the second. You were right.

Fuck. You knocked it out of the park. That is the best one I think I've done recently. You knocked it out of the park with that one, mate. I think... I thought this would have been closer for some reason. I don't know why. You think I would have made more mistakes on this? Not so much, mate. I thought this would have been closer for some reason. I don't know why. I think I would have made

more mistakes on this. Not so much mistakes, but I thought there would have been more confusion over, oh, is that one the thing or is that one the thing? No, it's definitely a quality jump. But let me put it this way.

Which does suggest that it's worth paying a bit more if you want a better cereal. Okay, but that's my next point, though. There's quite a big difference in prices between... There's a huge difference. The off-brand...

The Corn Flakes, that's a big, and you said that was 75p. Yeah, 71p. How much is the equivalent Kellogg's? I think that would be about £2.50. Yeah, so it's more than twice as much. Yeah. And the same goes for the Coco Pops or the Coco Crackles and the Frosted Flakes. They were literally, I think, about 60, 70p each, I think.

I don't think they're that costly. Now, but I can understand why your kids might insist on the brand. Honestly, almost more than other things. But if you were just like, we're on a budget, fuck you kids, I'm buying the knockoff and I'm just not going to tell you, could you get away with it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. You could probably easily get away with it. You could fool someone, yeah.

And also- They're distinctly better quality, all the Kellogg's stuff. Yeah, but on... Okay, so I'll tell you what. I'll say this. My mum used to work in a Kellogg's factory making cornflakes. What, she put the cockroaches in? No, what she famously said.

Once you see how they're made, you'd never want to eat them. Really? Yeah, but never said more than that. I've got an impression of my mum rubbing her fanny on cornflakes now. One single cornflake? Just one at a time. Like licking stamps. You're pict pictured your mum

not now your poor old mum oh I hope you don't listen to this one fucking hell I mean I've said some bad things about your mum

in the past yeah but Jesus you like to piss in her mouth remember that one quite vividly well if she's a fucking cornflake

fanny rubber right we're moving on she would like me to piss in her mouth we're moving on we're going to celebrate with a special guest, Paul. I thought we'd

forgotten about him. No, I think he's going to come in right now. I'm having a picnic. Don't disrespect him. He's a sponsor of the show. And a murderer. He killed us.

Don't mention that when he comes in, okay? Do you mean I've got every right to? He's expecting an interview when you're talking about his new range of products, okay? Fine. I'll get products. Okay? Fine.

I'll get him. Just be nice. This is the part of the show which is advertised content by the Brandoff Association. Hello. Okay. Good. Send him in. I'm enjoying my picnic bath. What was that little dance you did? Was it meant to be footsteps, Eli?

He's getting into character. Here we go. Hello. Right. Hello. Where's the other one? I prefer him. Eli?

Yeah. No, he had to go out Because apparently you two Can't be in the same room At the same time I don't know why that's happened though Well, I'm bored Come on Well, I don't know

What do you want? Well, you're meant to be interviewing me Alright, hello What's your name? Richard Branagh What do you do? I, uh Kill people

What? You killed Ash He put a bullet in his brain Listen You forget about that Was he a woman? I killed Ash. He put a bullet in his brain. Listen. Was he a woman? I killed him. God almighty. Because especially if they'd worked for me.

This is why I hate this character so much. What? This is why I... Eli, step out of the pod. What? No, Eli, step out of the pod. No, I'm not... What?

What are you talking about? Eli, I want to speak to Eli. This has become a seance now. This has become a nexusism. I want to speak to Eli. Listen. I want to speak to Eli. Have you got a bit of

fluff for me to feel the tits off? That's the problem with a character. What's the problem with a character? You just do it so you can exercise your woman hatred. What are you talking about? I love women. I'm talking to Eli now. I love my mother. I've got a head on the mantelpiece. Inseptic. Right, okay. So, again,

I don't express to you... I'm a ruthless businessman. I haven't got time for your identity politics. No, you don't, yeah. Right, okay, so again I'm a ruthless businessman I haven't got time for your identity politics No, you don't, yeah Right, so all I'm saying Eli, Eli, I'm talking to Eli Is that this is a character that I have Genuine problems with I know you're hiding right now

Behind Richard Brandoff And it's very exciting that you developed the character Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff But I'm just going to go out and say. Are you going to ask me about my products? I'm just going to carry on as Paul Gannon, talking to Eli, trying to break this character, because it's a problem.

They like spankies. Every woman who's worked for me has loved spankies. It's on the application form. This is why we will never win awards. Spanky spanks. This is why when I pitch Radio 4, pick of the podcasts, this podcast, they hear this and they go, oh no! Oh no, no, no, we can't have this on.

Because one of the... I love women! I love their tits! I can't do this! I can't do Richie Provo! Right! Are you going to ask me about my range of products? What about your range of products?

I have a new range of products, Brand Off On Brand, it's called. And I've got whips, filofaxes. I've got a busy man like me, and it's got my sign of approval on it. I'm not going to help him with his cash. I've got diaries. I'm just going to let it burn out. I've got diaries. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I'll have to take this. Margaret? What? I'm in an interview. Well, tell him to fuck off. I don't know how. Show him your tits, you bitch! Have you finished?

Have you quite finished? Yes, I've got off-brands. My new... Remember when we agreed that we would reduce the length of Cheap Show? I'm Richard Brandoff. We reduced the length of Cheap Show so it would be easier for me to edit and do less segments. Just drop a segment per show. I'll drop a segment.

Right, that's it. Get out. Get out. Right, Richard Brandoff. Well done. Well done. I just wanted to congratulate the little one on his triumph. He's won, Brandoff.

And if you need anything... This character is rote and dead. If you need anything, just call my office. Some bitch will answer. Right, I'm off. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Shut up.

I hate this so much. That was good this is Cheap Show Paul whether you like it or not Eli can I talk to you right new bit yeah I'd just like to announce in the podcast right now that

due to certain recent experiences I've suffered on this show I don't think I can carry on being in Cheap Show anymore. After this episode I will be retiring from Cheap Show. Paul? I don't agree with some of the things said on this podcast

anymore. I'm not comfortable with the content. Don't like you. You don't like me. So this is it. After this episode, we are done. Paul. Yeah.

Can I just, in my defense, yeah? Can I say? Yeah. He's a character. I'm eating a picnic. Oh, for fuck's sake. He's a character who's created to show the absurd stupidity of men like that. Okay.

Hmm. Is this like when Dapper Laughs goes into just the character? I forgot about that guy. Where is that guy, Dapper Laughs? I hope he's fucking dead. Really? I hope he's under a bridge with his arms full of needles. He really disappeared, didn't he?

No, he does the stand-up circuit now. He usually plays at working men's clubs and risque lad nights and stags. So there's still a market for that? Sadly, in this country, in 2019, there's still a market for reasonably sexist, gross comedians. Yeah. Funny that. Well, no, I'm not.

I just have a character who takes the piss out of it. But does it, though? He hates women. Why do you smile when you do your hate women stuff though? I don't smile. It's the smile in your face that worries me.

Paul. What? Don't, don't characterise me like this. God knows I need to get laid. Please. Winky. So this is my last episode.

No it's not. I'll be going forward to develop the Winky movie script. The Winky movie script. Alone. It could be like Short Circuit. Oh, like what?

There's a badge that comes alive. No. This guy, look, this guy, he's stressed out. He's a bit nerdy. He works in a computer lab, yeah? Yeah. He comes home and he's brought his work home with him, yeah? Yeah.

And he just chucks some stuff on the side. Yeah. And then he goes to the fridge and he has a beer and he falls asleep. It's a bit like weird science or something as well. Yeah, he falls asleep on his desk and he knocks the beer over. And you can see the beer drip, drip, drip onto his stuff, this bag of stuff that he's brought from the lab. And then he goes, I am Winky. Hello, Winky.

Kill your friends. All right, then. Are they women? Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. See, I was thinking it would be more about the story of... Yeah, but how does Winky come into it

that's the whole weird thing here's the thing I want to take it to the story of the billboard I want to do the story of the billboard it could be called three billboards with Winky

outside LA but I want it to be about the first half of the film is real it's based on true events everything that happens up to the wedding the next thing

is what happens afterwards and that's where winky comes to life so it starts to speak to him we have the rabbi as one of the characters the dirty rabbi yeah he says in the story they called several rabbis yeah and they got some oh no way i wouldn't do that that sounds terrible and he's like yeah jimmy biscuits yeah basically jimuits, the rabbi. Hey! Hey, I make a bar mitzvah. I make the kanukah. What is it? The kanukah? I can do the kanukah.

I'm a sugar nut. Oh, I'm a sugar nut. Two mashugunas, please, in my cafe. It's a great Yiddish word, mashuga. Yeah, I love all that. Do you know what mashuga means? No. Crazy.

Oh, fair enough. One of my favourites. I used to like the klept. I'm so the klept. And what does that mean? It's like upset, shocked, kind of. Y of my favourites. I used to like The Klept. I'm so The Klept. And what does that mean? It's like upset, shocked, kind of. Yenta is a gossip.

Yeah. Punum. I don't know that one either. His face. He's such a good little punum. Oh, right. Yeah. And what was the other one?

Oh, no. Bupkis, I love. We're doing Cheap Show off the Price of Shite. Are we doing Price of Shite? You've started Price of Shite. This is the segment for Price of Shite.

This whole bit is the beginning of Price of Shite and we've been talking for five minutes about nothing okay but you're gonna cut most of yeah so should we yeah right ladies and gentlemen it's time for a silverman selection of the price of shite it's the fucking Price of Shite It's the fucking Price of Shite It's the fucking Price of Shite

That's right Ooh Fucking hell Got caught on me wrist Oh You've ruined it Then Then

Then It's the fucking Price of Shite Then Then Then It's the fucking Price of Shite

It's the fucking Price It's the fucking Price It's the fucking Price of shite. It's the fucking price. It's the fucking price. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. Come on. Price of shite.

What have you got for us today, Mr. Silverman? I've got three items, Paul. As per usual. Three items. Classic price of shite rules. You need to guess. It's quite expensive shite. I'll just give you that as a little clue.

That's fine. Reasonably expensive by our standards. Oh. I'll just give you that as a little clue. That's a fine. That's allowed. Reasonably expensive by our standards. Okay. I have three items and I need a price for those items from you. You guess the price. If you get it on the nose, you get two luscious, juicy points. Good.

Write it down. If you get it within 25p, okay, you get it within 25p, okay, you get one point. Fair enough. Anything else? Zero. Yes.

Zero le pontos, nil pois. Okay, are you ready for your first item? I am indeed. This is nice. We're doing a nice casual layback price of shite. Let's see where we go. Here it is. It's all wrapped up because it's fragile.

Paul, so I'm going to hand that to you. Oh, I like this. He likes it. It's a mug, ladies and gentlemen, a mug. But you're thinking, Paul, why do you like this mug? Well, it's got a pattern on it, and that pattern is the 1980s logo for Smarties. Ah, so the Smarties logo's changed now.

Yeah, a little bit. I mean, I might be wrong, but this looks very much of the 80s variety. For people who are perhaps internationalists, don't give me that look. For people who perhaps live abroad, explain what Smarties are. Perhaps people do live abroad, Eli. It's a good point. Perhaps they don't live in the UK.

Perhaps they listen to this. Yeah. So Smarties are a Nestle snack. Small little beads of chocolate. Like a kind of thinner M&M. They are like a thinner British M&M, aren't they? I'll be honest. I prefer Smarties to M&Ms.

M&Ms, eh. There's no Smartie World. I'd like to go to Smartie World. There might have been once. So this is a brown Smarties mug. Yeah. It's a pleasing... Festooned with pictures

of Smarties scattering upon them and the logo Smartie in a lovely 80s bold kind of balloony font. It's nice. It's nice. And the mug itself is like a coffee mug, I'd say, but it has a slight bit of ornamentation on the lip. What does that mean? The lip is slightly coming out

a bit. Oh, I see. It's like pronounced lip. It's not just a straight lip. It's a bit of a pronounced lip coming out. Yeah. It's a bit of a pronounced lip coming out. It's a bit of a kind of overbite, yeah. Apart from that, normal mug. Lovely. I like it. It's a nice buy.

I'm going to need a price for you from the brown. It's chocolate brown, isn't it? So it's like the inside of a Smarty Coloured. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. See, I've got one of those dairy milk bar cups. You do? That's what it reminded me of.

So I thought you'd like that. Yeah, I do like it. It's nice. Right, I'm going to say for that I'm going to say 65p. Okay. I don't know why, but I'm going to say 65p for that. Okay, that's your guess? Yeah. Next item.

Next item. We're rushing along with this on tonight. That's a great accent. I'm going to hand it to you. And you have to describe this mint on card item. It's a very mint on card item because this item is gash.

It is. Oh, the judgment comes down. The judgment hammer. The Ganon hammer. Yeah, the Ganon hammer falls. Ladies. Get wet. Do they?

Yeah. Why? Because it's super galafragilistic. It gives you halitosis. Put it down your throat and choke it back. And drink my hot piss if you want. I don't know what the fuck. Mate, write it in.

Just pushing out. Imagine doing this from your 60, Paul. Yeah? This is the fucking price of my tenner lady pad. Right, this is a, it's fun doorknobs. Little doorknobs you put on little

cabinet doors, maybe. What makes them interesting is that their doorknobs are in the shape of Tweety Pie's face. Tweety Pie from the Looney Tunes cartoon brand. Who is an annoying character. I thought I taught a puddy tat.

You just want the cat, you want Sylvester to win, don't you? Sylvester, looks like Roadrunner. That Roadrunner is a fucking decking. Yeah, but he's just,

he's not, he hasn't got much to him, does he? No, he's just a smug, fast prick. And Wile E. Coyote, I want to see him just tear his neck off and drink the blood from Roadrunner's neck. That looks like you're doing something else.

It looks like you're sucking a cock. Yeah. Oh, happy days. Doorknobs, Tweety doorknobs. Yeah. If they made a noise, that'd be good. You've got the whole set there. You've got the little screws to screw them in

and two doorknobs in the shape of Tweety's head. I think the... Speak into the mic. I think the finish is quite good on that. Right, so... They're made by a company called Deco Fun. Oh. So they do decorative fun things.

Yes, let me just read the copy on the back of this. Oh, he's reading the copy and maybe, if we're very lucky, he'll do it in the mic. Shut up. I'm just trying to... Right the back of this. Oh, he's reading the copy. And maybe, if we're very lucky, he'll do it in the mic. Shut up. I'm just trying to... Right, I can't get round here. Oh, it looks like someone's vomited there. But it's just...

It's your room, so odds are good. It's just a bunch of mulched up cornflakes. Add a touch of fun. And fantasy. If you... What? That's your fantasy? Is to have birds head staring at you.

I want to have a shag and get a Tweety Pie looking at me. If I was a lady and I went into a... I thought I tore a pussy. I thought I tore a pussy off. Jesus. Paul. Fuck.

Out of touch. Oh, God. Who are we? Paul fucking add a touch oh god what's who are we this is not our best work add a touch of fun and fantasy

by using our it's too dark in the house of pickles I know but the sun's gone down while we've been recording just I'm gonna put the light on oh fuck's sake It's too dark in the House of Pickles. I know, but you... The sun's gone down while we've been recording.

Just, I'm going to put the light on. Oh, fuck's sake. Got no picnic bar left. Fucking stop eating while we're doing this. Add a touch of fun and fantasy by using our draw pulls. I found a Kit Kat. Oh, come on, mate. All right, I'll leave it.

Draw pulls. Yeah. They are, you're right, they're for drawers. Yeah. Rather than, you wouldn't want this on a proper-sized door, would you? No, I want your front door to your house. To replace knobs on items. Yeah.

Such as dressers, closets, and nightstands. I've got a nightstand. Yeah. I've got a morning stand. I've got a nightstand. Yeah. I've got a morning stand. I've got a middle of the day in the toilet at work stand. We learned too much there. Just like that. Just like that we learned too much.

Remove existing knobs. Ooh, sounds painful. God. Oh, God. Yeah, I know. Oh, God. It's the price of shite, everybody. Yeah, it's one of the best.

Remove knobs and replace with new ones. I can't believe we've spent like six minutes talking about doorknobs so far. Fast and tightly with screw. Oh, yeah. Not suitable for children under three because of small parts that may be swallowed. Fair enough. So, how much did I spend on the Tweety doorknobs by DecoFun? £1.75.

They're mint on card. Yeah, no, no, no, I know. £1.75 for that. Okay. So far, we're starting to throw things on the table. Well, you know, it makes the sound that I'm trying to cut back on. Anyway, go on. So, I said £1.75.

What's the final item, Mr. Silverman? I got the final item on the price of shite today, Paul. You're going to like this. It's a nice, go on. So I said £1.75. What's the final item, Mr. Silverman? The final item on the price of shite today, Paul. You're going to like this. It's a nice, solid selection. Careful when I hand this to you. Don't rub it too hard because I don't know what will come out. Well, I'll try not to

rub it. Also, here's the item. Hey! He made a joke about his flaccid cock. What is it, Paul? Well, to all int intents and purposes it's a genie lamp but um do you know what it's a brass genie lamp so okay so in original use it didn't contain genies it was what for like like a candle like you'd say you put a wick up the nose yeah up the spout of it and in the spat i think it has sort of oil inside doesn't it like flammable oil yeah

and then the wick would come out the front there I think and then it burns you can carry it like that around oh it's good that

it's quite nice isn't it it's a classic looking one does it open carefully don't rub it I think it does but I don't know how to get it out without maybe

making some damage does it want to screw maybe let me just give it a little oh he's rubbing it. Oh, something's happening. That's the first time you've ever said that after rubbing it.

Hello. Oh, hello. Who's this? It's Leaky Ken's mate, Precum John. Sorry, I'm just doing some freelancing.

Couldn't even come up with a new character. I'm freelancing, doing some freelancing. Eli, you couldn't even do a new character. No, it's not a new... Listen, the genie's on holiday. My mate, Leaky Ken, says...

He calls me up. He says, John. I say, yes. He says, how do you feel about doing some genie work? And I say... What, on the side?

Does it involve me, you know, dealing with pre-cum, pellets of it, pearls of it little bags of it he said you can droplets droplets yeah little teardrops teardrops have come that's my uh autobiography title stock in trade uh pre-cum john and uh he said no it's more like granting wishes and i was like well i can do that as long as the wishes involve pre-cum. So, here I am.

Yeah. I'm pre-cum John. Hello. So, let me make this straight. Here I am. I've come out of this lab and I'm ready. You have three wishes. But they are... No, no, no.

No, no. We'll see what we can do. I'm freelancing. I'm trying to do my job. I am pre-cum John. Yeah. So, it's in the in the name

let's see let's just hit me with a wish I would like I wish that every child in the world had two thousand pounds right now

I'll tell you what I can do yeah I can make sure every child in the world yeah has pellets of pre-cum god that is such a horrible thought just raining down on them

such a horrible thought what else you down on them. Such a horrible thought. What else do you need? All right, okay. So, I don't know. I wish that all wars would stop. I can replace all the bullets with big blodges of pre-cum. Right. They don't hurt.

No. So, it will save life. Yeah. All right. There's your second wish. Granted. Granted. come right they don't hurt no so we'll save life yeah all right granted granted and finally i would like a nice hot drink

right now right that's easy oh it's not hot it's kind of body temperature yeah have a good... Oh, let me... Oh, it's not hot. It's kind of... It's kind of body temperature. Yeah, it's... Have a sip of that.

Let me just have a little drink of this magical drink. Have a sip. There's your wish. Oh. Oh. Is it milky? It's a bit salty, too. It's a bit salty.

Good. I'm going. I'm pre-cummed, John. I'm going back in the lamp. Pre-cummed, John. I'm going back in the lamp. Pre-cummed, John. There he goes. Excellent work. So that's the item, Paul.

Excellent work. I need a... Price. I need a price for that. £2.50 for that. I think that might be going overboard, but I'm going to go ahead and say £2.50. £2.50, yeah.

So overall... Well, it's brass. It's engraved. It's quality, isn't it? So I think you spent in all... £3.90 in all. Not that it matters, but anyway. I just thought I'd do some math for fun.

Oh, the total. That's what we used to do on The Price of Shite, didn't we? Yeah, it doesn't matter now. Right, so, how wrong or right was I? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what I'll do for you. If the total is within 50p, extra point, yeah? 50p of £3.90?

Yeah. Oh, that's exciting. An extra point, yeah. It's hardcore stuff. Alright, cool. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. So, we're going to start with the most ordinary item, but I think probably your favourite of the three. Possibly, because I do like a nice bit of usable nostalgia. Smarties, the chocolate brown Smarties coffee mug. Yeah.

You said... I said 65p. It cost 60p. Oh! Very cheap. Wow. You'd expect them, because it's from the Human Foundation, I think they're called, or something. Oh, the charity shop around the corner.

Yeah, and often in there, things aren't priced. No. So they don't bother with that. They've got a high turnover of stuff in there. So you can banter, sort of what? Barter. I've never tried. I don't like bartering in a charity shop.

But often, because of that, they just go quid. You know, any old fucking item, they just say quid. But... 65p? No, you said 60. Oh, 60p, sorry. But you get a point because you're within 25p, and those are the rules.

I'm just putting that down. That's fair enough. You don't have to. You've got a soft bed to put it on. That doesn't make a loud noise. Leave it there! Next one. Don't break your knob.

Second item we had. Which, I know they're pretty useless, but they will go in my little useless cupboard of shelves. My shelves of shit. Yeah. Shelves of tat over there. Okay. Oh, he's getting them out already.

Can I just have the price? Because I don't care about you getting them out. You said... I said £1.75. They were £2. Oh! Another point. A point?

Oh, that's all right, isn't it? I've not been too bad well molded no the mold of them's fine really just don't like them are they plastic yeah yeah i mean for a little boy or girl's bedroom be all right if you're into tweet pie but whose favorite character is tweet pie no one well the thing is though it's like they're just kind of what's the word i'm looking for like if those characters float around in our kind of cultural knowledge it's like the thing for jaws before you even knew what jaws was you know when you chase kids and they're so familiar that you know about it even before it's you're actually conscious of what the

reference is yeah every generation will kind of know what they're in the collective unconscious is that what you're talking about so i think that's part of that it's just like mickey mouse like like bogs bunny it's like they're all like Yeah, they're characters that kids might not even have seen in any of the original cartoons, but they sort of know about. Because of the marketing or the adverts. Anyway, so next one. You're knocking this one out of the park, mate. Right, lamp.

£2.50, I said, for the lamp. And the lamp cost £2.50. Yeah, what? You're on the nose. Bloody hell, I've never done that. £2.50. Yeah. So two points there.

So 250 add two pounds. So I actually spent 450, five pounds and 10 pence. Oh, that's a lot out of my... I said 390 altogether, didn't I? So even at a roundup, it would have been four quid. What? You didn't add up your own prices correctly, did you? No. Let's what you didn't add up the own your own prices correctly did you no let's see let me add up the prices you said so you said 65 plus 65 plus 175 is two pounds

and four 240 240 plus 250 is 490 and I wrote 390. So I was almost... How much did you say altogether? Well, I think I should give you the point. Yeah, because you just didn't do the maths correctly. Five points! That's a very high score for the price of Shiteball. I'm impressed by that. But let's not forget, I completely know

how to tell different types of levels of price of cereal i just think we fit like an apex now with our knowledge of stuff like that i think you know your taste buds are firing on all cylinders they are and my um tat awareness guessing yeah if you ever do a tat road show i brought this it's worth nothing. Fuck off. All right, then. Mate, what do you want? It's a coffee jar. Fuck off.

Is that what you do as an expert? Yeah. That wouldn't be very nice. So, are you happy with your little knobs? Aren't you? You're clacking your little knobs? Yeah, he's putting by his winky. Great.

Imagine that. He's got little Tweety... Imagine that. What, if you had Tweety Pie bollocks? Yeah. Yeah, it'd be horrible. That'd be great. got little Tweety... Imagine that. What, if you had Tweety pie bollocks? Yeah. It'd be horrible. That'd be great. No, it would not be great.

Imagine, I'm seducing. Yeah, put some music on. Oh, hello. Just let me put some music on, darling. Oh, thank you, darling. I'll just put the needle on the groove here. I've got Tweety Pie knob bollocks

do you like them put the record on and you get your balls out and do a little show what's that music called it's the theme isn't it they wrote it I think it's just a silly no silly same's the theme, isn't it? They wrote it for us. I think it's just

Silly Symphony. No, Silly Symphony was Disney, wasn't it? It was Merry Medley or was that Disney? Silly Symphony is a Merry Medley. Looney Tunes. Oh, no, Looney Tunes.

Yeah. But is that not The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down that they use at the end of Who Famed Roger Rabbit? Yeah, because when Bob Hoskins does that face-off,

he does... Yeah, I think he sings the merry-go-round broke down that's the song I believe that's what it's called it's one of those ones it could have been one of the

those really old standards from the 1800s like the gladiators what's that tune yeah no I know what you mean that circus music yeah

what's it called enter the gladiators yeah which is weird when it's associated with the circus but everyone just thinks of it as annoying fucking clown music now What's it called? Enter the Gladiators. Yeah. Which is weird when it's associated with the circus, but everyone just thinks of it as annoying fucking clown music now. Yes, but the circus comes from gladiatorial. Yeah, but it's all part of the same sort of...

In the 90s, when they rejigged gladiators, if they didn't use that, the wolf would come out. Actually, it might have been a better show. I like Gladiator. You liked Jet. I loved Jet. Gladiator. That's the end of this segment.

And that's that. And that's Cheap Show for another week. Thank you for joining us. The awards episode is coming soon. I'm just trying to find time in my schedule to plan it all out because I've got work coming up. It's going to happen and we're going to make it a star-studded event. It's going to be star-studded.

It'll be our little version of the Oscars. It'll be our Oscars. We'll call it the cheapies. The cheapies. Or the tatties. The tatties. Oh, get your tatties out. That means potatoes. Oh, in that case, cheapies. Yeah. So who's getting a cheapie this year

in the first annual... Well, we're getting them, aren't we? Because we do the show. Yeah, but we've got to remain gracious. There's a best guest,

best scene, best blah, blah, blah. There's loads of things. I've heard a few results. There's going to be some interesting outcomes. Okay. But yeah,

it's all very exciting times, ladies and gentlemen. Very exciting times. That's coming up soon. I'll be getting prepared for that. Yeah. And yeah, thank you to Patreon if you support us.

Thank you so much. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. You've allowed me to have two useless children's door knockers. Knobbers. Knobs. Door knobs. Door knobs. Door knobs.

It's all very awkward, Eli. Dick knobs. Not dick knobs. Is that the best you can fucking do? Come awkward, Eli. It's all very awkward. Not dick knobs. Is that the best you can fucking do? Come on, mate. Listen, don't start throwing shit in the toilet. That's exactly what you put it. Don't get in the sewer and start throwing shit about.

Oh, you've just jostled that. Oh, come on, mate. You should have. Oh, anyway. Oh, Winky, we should say. What about Winky? If anyone can get us a translation, we'd be eternally grateful. If anyone would like to translate Winky for us, it would be great.

Because maybe we could do... Because, you know, the B-side is blank. We do an English language version of Winky. We knew. Record Winky. Mate, I'm feeling so inspired right now. Isn't it weird that Winky's come into our life and inspired us in so many ways? And please do get me a badge, Paul.

I'll pay for it at my own money. No, no, no. I'm not going to expect the patrons to buy me a Winky badge. No, I'll get you a W a badge, Paul. I'll pay for it at my own money. No, no, no. I don't expect the patrons to buy me a winky badge. No, I'll get you a winky badge, mate. Don't you worry. So we're going to get some winky badges in.

Winky t-shirts. Anyway, the Patreon magazine is coming out in February 22nd. So that'll be this week when this goes out. So it'll be already out, I reckon, by then. But if you aren't a patron

and would like to get your hands on... A hard copy? Well, a printed copy. It's not hard. It's just printed. Yeah, but that's why they call it hard. Is it? In that case, I've been getting away with murder for years.

It's all soft now. It's a hard copy. That love. That's what they call it in the industry. No, Paul. No, Paul. No, please. You should see the spine on it.

Oh, fucking hell. Fucking ladybird written on it. Oh, fucking hell. on it. Oh, fucking hell. Fucking Lady Bird written on it. Oh, fucking hell. Go to cheapmag.shop and you can order any or all

of the first four issues of the Cheap Show unofficial magazine, which is a fucking amazing magazine. It's got... And the vendors, amazing work on it. It's got noodles in it. It's got summations of episodes. It's got interviews of people like Stuart Ashen. It's got play your own Price of Shire game in it. It's great.ations of episodes. It's got interviews with people like Stuart Ashen. It's got play your own

Price is Shining game in it. Yeah, it's great. It's great. It's like a great magazine. I'm ashamed that we don't make it because it's that good. Get your hands on that. We're on Twitter at The Cheap Show Pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is. Eli Snowed, which is E-L-I and S-N-O

I-D. Yes. What else? Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr. Look for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Podcast. You'll find us easier. Lots of fan art. Lots of fan art. I like looking for it on Instagram. Go on.

Fanny art. I'm having a kick. No, don't stop eating. Every time I say fanny, you eat. This is deep seated. It's deep seated. Right. There's a group say Fanny you eat this is you're deep seated it's deep seated right and if you want to eat there's a group called Fanny

there's a rock group called Fanny they should cover Winky Fanny covers Winky right and if they're good they're Fanny are good yeah no Fanny are fine

I prefer Winky go on say something about that no Fanny is good yeah no I agree they're a good band they're a good band I mean're a good band, I mean. All female, early 70s.

That's how old they were when they recorded. Just fucking wrap the show up. All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching. We'll be back next time. And until then, remember, it's fleek to be cheap.

Thank you very much. I don't think we've said that in years.