CheapShow - Ep 116: Spoff Pot

Episode Date: March 1, 2019

For some reason, CheapShow asked a YouTube Retro Gamer and Digitiser The Show co-host to come on the podcast. And for some reason, she said yes. So, as a result, this is that episode! Please welcome Octav1ous Kitten to the show! Paul and Eli welcome her to the CheapShow Family in the only way they know how, by giving her dodgy presents, causing her to choke on milky powder, constantly getting her name wrong, offering her a suspicious Columbian import, dealing with Eli's wrath and literally getting her to split her trousers with laughter. No one deserves that. Oh and yes, there is also another Winkie update! The Winkie Rabbit hole gets deeper by the week... Somehow. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-116-spoff-pot If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Follow Octav1ous Kitten @Octav1usKitten If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right, so what's your fucking problem? Oh, several. So, I come in to Soho Radio. We're recording this week's edition of Cheap Show, right? It's exciting. I feel weird. Yeah, good, because here's what I want to know. We're not in the House of Pickles.

I'm not looking at my own pants. You just finished a radio show. I need my pants. I want to look at my pants. You just finished a radio show. Shut up, I'm talking. You've just finished your radio show, right? And you were having a big hissy fit because there was only one needle.

Well, one needle broke whilst we were doing it were having a big hissy fit because there was only one needle. Well, one needle broke whilst we were doing it. I think a hissy fit is deserved. Is it? Because here's my point. You were so desperate to fill in the gaps between your first song and your next that you were going, oh, what's Paul doing? Oh, he's having a big shit in the toilet.

You were, though. No, I wasn't having a big shit. I went for a wee wee. We all smelt it. No, there was no... Log time. Anyway, the point is, I wasn't having a big shit. I went for a wee-wee. We all smelt it. No, there was no... Log time. Anyway, the point is, how desperate and unprofessional must you be? Log flume. If the only way you can fill out time is by going, oh, Paul's grunting his mat out.

Disneyland log flume ride. It's not Splash Mountain, all right? Splash Mountain! It's not Splash Mountain, right? So, be more professional. I feel it. I feel like. You and Ewan are a bad couple.

You're both swearing on the air. We weren't. Complaining about the tech. Anyway, hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is the Economy Comedy Podcast. For your ears. We go through the bargain bins, the charity shops and pound lands of Great Britain.

Dumbbell sales. Dumb. And dumbbell sales. Of Great Britain. Welcome to Cheap Show. britain double sales and tumble sales of great britain welcome to cheap show i hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles all right it's a fact of cheap, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the Darks, for a while. How's the bit going?

The price of the shite This is called guaranteeing hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. I go and I nuzzle. Pure magic, Paul. Pure magic. And joining us, let's get straight to it. Joining us on today's episode of Cheap Show,

it's been a while since we've had a guest on, but I couldn't be more happier to introduce the world to Octavius Kitten. Hi. Hello. Now, if you don't know Octavius, well, you should. She's a co-host on Digitizer, has a YouTube channel, and as far as I'm aware, she's a spy. What's the name of the YouTube channel? Octavius Kitten'm aware, she's a spy. What's the name of the YouTube channel?

Octavia's Kitten. Well, it's Octavia's. I'm trying to move away from the kitten thing because it's a sex thing. Oh. Well, people think it is. I think of kittens and I think of sex. Oh, you mean you get unwanted attention from guys like, oh, you're a pussy. No, not quite.

It's like, not really. Usually when people give me that kind of attention, it's literally just, here's a picture of my cock. Oh, I don't get that. Do you not? I don't want pictures of my cock to exist. Do you want me to, I can forward them to you if you like. Please, you need a smorgasbord of cock. Because after our live show, a number of people are going,

was that really Eli's penis? It fucking wasn't. It wasn't. For the record, Eli's is more nuanced. Like a grain of salt atop a ping pong ball. Yeah, there we go. Anyway, thank you for joining us. Now, how bright and dark are you on a scale of one to ten?

I'm terrified. Don't worry, because what we like to do... We've got activities. We've got activities. It's going to be structured. Okay. Yeah, you know what the show's like. It's just two men arguing over shit they find in places.

Or shit. Or literally shit sometimes. There was too much shit in recent episodes. How pooey has the whole thing got, man? It's because the Tales from the Shop Floor thing... It turned into shit. It turned into tales of shit. I still get people on Reddit messaging me saying,

have you seen this? And there's a picture of a bathroom with the word sorry written in shit on the wall. And you're saying, is that what this podcast has become? Can I just mention, whilst we are on the subject of toilet matters, we're here in the Soho Radio studio. Podcasting studio. Which makes it, oh, I feel all, oh. Is it because we're not in the House of Pickles?

Yeah. You feel unsettled. I feel weird. Yeah. But they've got house of pickles you feel unsettled I feel weird but they've got a toilet down here that made you feel better that has one of those little signs

saying don't fucking mess up the toilet mate what specifically for you no it doesn't say that it says if you do this if you dribble

wipe it up if it's floating flush it if it smells spray it you know one of these sort of holidays

I hate those why do you have your way to purposely poo in places you shouldn't I just hate it when people

say you know you smelly bastard what have you done what have you done you've done something there was this really sarcastic one in this call centre

I worked in where someone had put up like a photocopied notice going no one's interested in your artwork. Please scrub it, you know what I mean, like this.

Ooh. You know, please scrub it away. No one wants to, we are not your maid. What a fascinating anecdote. There was a couple of things I want to bring up. First of all, because you are a guest, there's a few things that you get as part of the team. So first of all...

It's not like syphilis or something, is it? There's an arrangement that can be made for that. I'd be lucky to catch syphilis. You know what I mean? It's a bit of a chocolate pot. Risk reward, you know. Oh, there's a... She gets chocolate.

No, that's for me. I'm looking for pockets. I've got something for her. Oh, great pockets I've got I've got something for her Oh great I've got a little Something for you Here you go It's your very own

Like Blue Peter Your very own Cheap show badge Wow amazing There you go Look at that And not only that We do a thing on this show

Called Me Casa Sue Casa Where we go to a charity shop And we find something That maybe will bring Delight to one another Since you're our guest I got you something as well Which I I thought would be good for you. Okay.

She's worried, but actually I got out of my way to get nice things for me, Cassa Sue, Cassa. You do? Apart from that time, one of the early ones, Paul, you got me sort of like a mental health book. Yeah. And you thought that was funny? A road to happiness. That's not funny. It was.

That's like giving someone a pack of Prozac and a bottle of vodka. Cheer up. I would like a pack of Prozac and a bottle of vodka. Well, if you're listening and you can arrange that, please do get in touch. Now, this is what I got for you. Gamer Survival Guide. Oh, you actually put some thought into it. Yeah, I know.

That was cheap. So there you go. It's a book all about how to be a gamer and deal with trolls and how to keep yourself limber when you're doing long sessions. Okay, so it's not written from the Gamergate side of things. No, I'm sure it isn't a book saying no girls in games, boo. Yeah.

They ruin Call of Duty. You'd hope not. You'd hope not. But apparently it's a book all about the positive things. Fantastic. I don't know. I don't think she looks impressed.

I'm very... She's just looking through it all confused. I am a little... I mean, the first thing I opened was how to do fingering properly. Oh!

I think that's the wrong kind of book. Oh, you knew this was going to happen, didn't you? I didn't know this was going to happen. As in a controller, you know, a game controller. Is that what they call it, fingering? Well, I mean... Well, they call that when you play the piano, it's called fingering as well. Fingerwork. Yeah.

Fingering the ivories. I know, tinkling. I don't know. It's the same difference, isn't it? But, you know, haven't games sort of moved away from sort of pure button bashing sort of dynamic? Because I remember there used to be those sport games which were literally just about...

What was that? Wanking. Yes, wanking. Yes. I used to wank on my old Atari. You've heard it. What I did was I'd wank into the fucking slot, and then I'd put the cartridge in,

and that's when I really got off. Yeah? Yeah. Anyway, that's your new chasser. It's a book. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Right, one last thing. I've got to get this. You should have got this out before, Paul. Shut up. By the way, Paul, a bit of tech sound advice. What? Claire said to me If it's a bit reverby We can always put the blinds down

Apparently that helps Oh the blinds down Maybe we'll do that But I like the way the window's open People can see us It's a bit like this morning Isn't it? People can go past and wave

Who could go past? It's a little enclosed courtyard I would love it if some tramp came out there And vomited. I'm sorry. I love it how you said the first words and you knew that it was going to be a bad thing to say, but you kept going. It keeps happening to me, man.

I admire you for that. So here's the update that I think we've all been waiting for over the past couple of episodes. I don't know if you've been listening, but we discovered something called Winky. Yes. So you're up on Winky. You're aware of Winky. You're aware of Winky. You've gotten to grips with Winky. You know how to handle Winky. Paul, you're such a simple man, aren't you, at the end of the day?

So here's the thing, right? I got an email from a guy called Chris Schmidt who speaks German and French. And he listened to the song Winky because it was in French. And obviously our question was, why was a badge released in America

released as a song to promote it in France? When they never actually released the actual product, the badge in France. Not as far as I know. So here is, now he says at the top of this, it's a rough translation because some of the words he couldn't make out. And when you translate it directly,

it kind of doesn't make sense. Translation is a very difficult process. You know, I can... Yeah. I'm giving him a load of leeway. If we can just get a smidgen of meaning out of this. Shall we find out what the song Winky was all about? Yes.

Here's how the lyrics goes, right? So forget about the tune for now. We're just going to read the lyrics. You can imagine it yourself. Red and green has arrived on earth. Don't panic. It's the Winky. This is better than I could have

possibly imagined already. What else? What else? What else? Okay, so coming from somewhere else of your humour, if your eyes rain, the music warms your heart.

It's the winky. So we're getting the idea now. If you cry, it will console you. It's your mate. Then refrain. Get on the doing. Iron. It has console you. Cheer you up. It's your mate. Then refrain. Get on the doing. Iron. It has to move.

Music. Feeling. Don't stay red. The new inspiration for an electronic future. It's the winky. Ah. So, you know, it's pushing its whole. It does chores.

It's an effort, isn't it, essentially? Then the breakdown. It says passionate and energetic. Nice love. Your dream of a smile. Relative colour. The smile of my life. Relative colour?

Relative colour. The smile of my life. It's the winky. And then, the best bit, Paris, Tokyo, New York, universal language, contact, contact. You won't be scared anymore. With winky. Wow, it's a worldwide Winky. It's a worldwide.

They were going to do a whole worldwide campaign, obviously. But it never was released in France. But that's just an advert for the device. Yeah, get close to the mic. It's an advert for the device. Yeah, last bit of the song. Winky, it's easy. Red, you're not well.

Get on edge. You'll see everything becomes clear with Winky. And then it just repeats the same. Yeah, passionate and energetic. Nice love smile. It's meant to be response to your emotions. So when the red winker comes on. When the winky's red.

Then it's like, ooh. Then it's good times. Is it? Oh, I don't know. I think it's like, ooh. Yeah. All bad times. But then when the winky's green. Ah. Good times. Yeah. Stop and times. Is it? Oh, I don't know. I think it's like, ooh. Yeah. All bad times.

But then when the winky's green, good times. Yeah. Good time winky. It's stop and go, isn't it? So now that we've got the lyrics, right, I'm going to adapt them and make them scan. And me and you are going to- And we're going to do a version of winky. We will re-record. I need to high five you now.

This is it. Yeah. This podcast is taking me places I never thought I'd go. We're going to re-release winky. And what's more, I'm going to enter it for next year's Eurovision. Oh, okay. Because me and you on the stage in Hamburg or whatever, going, it's a Winky.

A Winky. Yeah, call and response. And we have a man dressed in black, but with a Winky badge on his head. Yeah, a Winky mask, and he's doing all this. Do you see the world of possibilities here? I am so deeply inspired. Now, I'm going to invite you cordially to join the Winky band. You will be on stage with us performing Winky.

You may be dressed as the badge. I can't. I'm just going to put an invite to you to join our band. Sure, why not? Oh, God, I wish I had more passion. Well, you know. Anyway, that's... I'd like you to know what you should wear.

What? That thing off digitiser where you've got a big nutsack thing. No, I'm not wearing that again. I've said to Biffo this season, can I not wear things that show all my fat bits and my lumps? I saw myself yesterday in the mirror with my belly out. Sobering, sobering times. And then I coughed so hard I hurt my back. Yeah, you need to

Yeah, anyway. This isn't Dr. Eli Silverman's half hour chat. I wish it was. I would greatly suspect that you got your medical degree from somewhere quite illegal. Yeah, where'd you get it from? House of Pickles University.

House of Pickles U. Yeah, alright. H-O-P-U. I like this. We should start a course, a dodgy course. It's not like proper medicine. Yeah. It's made up medicine. Right.

Which is more powerful. Yeah, like all that hippie shit you grew up believing. I didn't... Oh, wow. Right, good. We're moving on. It is time to start the show, so let's start. Are you ready?

Yay! I'm ready. Yeah, woo! Come on. Let's start Cheap Show. i've got a packed show for you today coming up on the show today cheap eats oh we've also got price of shite oh and finally we're going to do a ganon's golden games golden games we're going to go back to a bit of a classic we're doing a family fortunes now i just wanted to bring something up with family fortunes because we played

the card game yeah and it was a bit sort of right wing in its sort of viewpoint yes it was it was like name the top you know we asked 100 people who the most evil person type of person is if you're a good christian number one homosexuals it was like that also though it. It literally was like that. People from Japan are slanty-eyed fuckers. He did not say that. He was like that. He did not say that. You've made this awkward already. No, you remember it was very dodgy.

Because, you know, there's that guy who presents Family Fortune... Les Dennis. No, in America. Black guy with a bald head. Oh, um... Him. He's famous. He's funny. He with a bald head. Oh, um, him. He's famous. He's funny. He's a good presenter, but he is extremely kind of religious right wing. Is he? Yeah, he's sort of, he's

a creationist and stuff. I've heard him in interviews denying evolution existence. So, like, top ten answers on the board. We asked a hundred people, who created the universe? Number one, the Big Bang. You're wrong! Yeah, exactly. You're wrong! Number one answer is God. That's it.

There's no other answers. Yeah, you know? So, anyway, I'm just saying that. I'd just be interested to see, because there is, in the form that the questions take, there is, you know, there's bias and there's sort of political stuff that kind of comes in. You can't help it. Are you saying Family Fortunes is some kind of insidious political engine?

All I'm saying is it reveals something in the nature of the questions by the fact that their questions that they ask a bunch of people reveal things about the underlying agenda of the people

asking the questions. Can I just say something? I was all ready to stop. We'd done the woo, let's go and then you kind of I don't know you farted on it at the end.

You lifted your arse cheek and you boffed on my outro. Can I just say something about coming or something? Yeah, go on. You lifted your arse cheek and you boffed on my outro. Do you want me to say something about cumming or something? Yeah, go on. Oh, I came. Is that what you got? Is that how you actually react when you're with a lady? I imagine that.

Oh, I came. I'm sorry, love. I'm not like that. That's because you never have sex with ladies. Oh, fuck you. Right, that's my out. It's cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. You've finished.

Is that it? I've had a long day, man. Oh, have you? Boo the fuck to who? It's Cheap Eats, Paul. It's Cheap Eats, Paul. Now, Cheap Eats is a bit special today. A bit special today because I've not sourced them.

We've had them sourced from a good friend of the show, alleged comedian Joseph Wilson. Now, Joseph Wilson recently went to Columbia. And while he was out there, he bought a few Cheap Eats, some snacks, some sweets. You're not allergic to anything, are you? No. All right.

Just checking. Not that I'm saying there's any fishy things or anything like that. No, of course there isn't any fishy things. I don't know. Do I? No, because you're... Yeah, we all know about you. Because I'm funny.

Are you a witty man? Is there any cocaine? No. Oh. It's a shame, that. I don't think he would have Got it back into the country So There's some hard

Popping candy in there You never know I might do a line Just in case Of popping candy Imagine the pain of that I actually did that When I was

Really? Yeah When I was in secondary school Because it was a school disco And obviously We couldn't get Alcohol in it So I was like

I don't know what we'll do We'll snort some sugar And some popping candy Or whatever we can find. And it's fucking agony. Don't do that. All right, kids, don't. You can imagine it going off. Yeah, it's horrible.

You can feel it in your brain. Actually, it actually started to sound like something I want to do now. Please do not tempt Eli. But there's that point, isn't there? I don't know about you, Paul, but, you, but before drugs actually are available in early teenagerhood, you just do anything. We used to have so many different kinds of teas. Really?

Yeah. Big, fat, horrible joints of tea that did nothing. My mate used to go to get those legal highs from a trippy hippie store in our university town. And you know, it makes you all drowsy. And it's like, it just smells like you're smoking nettles. Yeah, that's lamb's lettuce. Something like that. You have to smoke a great deal to have a mild sedative effect.

But that was back when legal highs used to have herbal products before it all went fucking crazy. Yeah. About 15 years ago when they had the synthetic ones which were, that have led to a huge crisis. We're so doing a drugs episode of this episode, aren't we?

Spice. Spice was one of these herbal highs or legal highs, you know what I mean? It used to be really nice, that. And then it went mental. Yeah. So I used to have it,

not a lot. Oh, you used to smoke Spice? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, before it all kicked off I know I did it like a couple of times and I was like

she just does meth now you're okay yeah but some people get addicted to that and it's not like you know having a sort of

pot habit where you can just it doesn't matter if you run out of pot nothing's going to happen to you you're not going to smash it up they get the rattles

like death rattle messes you up doesn't it withdrawal like it can kill you you have a seizure when you withdraw from it great happy talk on cheap show even heroin Rattles. Death rattle. Messes you up, doesn't it? Withdrawal. It can kill you. You have a seizure when you withdraw from it. Great. Happy talk on Cheap Show.

Even heroin doesn't do that. Just do popping candy. Don't do anything else. If you take nothing away from this show, just snort popping candy. Oh, God. I'm going to feel so bad if now loads of people are going to try snorting popping candy. Yeah. There's going to be kids lying on the floor. It's going to be an internet meme.

It's going to be an internet meme. It's going to be one of those photos. People with the biggestorting popping candy. Yeah, there's been kids lying on the floor. It's going to be an internet meme. It's going to be one of those photos. People with the biggest line of popping candy that can get up their nose. Me and my mate have been doing popping.

Yeah. The popping candy challenge. They'll call it nose popping. Oh, it was nose popping last night. Oh, it's dead good. And then you see these kids dead on the ground

with foam in their nostrils. Right, can we get on with this fucking cheap beat? Yeah, let's do it. So he went to Columbia, brought back a bunch of different types of candies. We're just going to go through them. So let's start with one of the weirdest ones we've got here.

So Eli, Octavius, here is your choice. This is bizarre. Tell me what it is. What do you think? It's a product called Alfa Jor Casarito. And it's by a company called Las Casaritas. Yeah. Which means they probably do different types of casaritos, don't they?

Yeah, but I don't know what a casarito is. Well, we're going to find out, aren't we? It seems to be some kind of iced cake. It is, but the weird thing is that the packet... It's got a stick. They just stuck a stick to the back of it like it's a lollipop. And it's not like a good stick. It's like a twig. It's like a stick. It's just stuck a stick to the back of it, like it's a lollipop. And it's not like a good stick. It's like a twig.

It's like a garden awning. It's very rustic, the stick on the back here. Yeah. So you've got a normal packet with a rustic twig, which has been sort of stapled and glued crudely to the back of it. Look at all that glue on it. That can't be healthy. No, but don't eat that bit.

Well, I'm not going to. Look at that. Yeah. But I'm not going to. Well, because it's... Well, come on. Yeah. But I don't... I honestly think it's for display purposes. I think they put it in a bucket and... I mean, crumbling. It's a bit crumbly.

I do apologise for the crumble. So... Okay, so it's a biscuit. It's a two-half... What's the stick for? I think it's for display. I think when they sold it, it was like on sticks in boxes.

Oh, okay. I think that's what it is. I was expecting some form of that. It smells. It's a big one, isn't it? Oh, my God. It's the big one. They just glue sticks to everything.

I thought it was special for this. They stick the sticks on everything. Those crazy Colombians. This is a stick stuck to a big bag of jelly rings for no purpose. Perhaps that's how they like it. It's cultural. Yeah, maybe. I like a stick on my things. Anyway, go have a nibble. jelly rings for no purpose. Perhaps that's how they like it. It's cultural. Yeah, maybe. I like a stick on my things.

Anyway, go have a nibble. Tell me what you think. It smells very, sort of a vanilla-y, sort of custard cream sort of smell. I have had this already, so that's why I'm not eating one now

because I only had two left. It's actually quite nice. Yeah? Yeah. I see you get well fed on this show. I mean, no, you don't. It's very sweet. Yeah.

It's like a shortbread, isn't it? It tastes like a shortbread with some sort of caramel, chewy, crunchy centre in between two biscuit halves. Yes, it is. You've described it accurately. That's what we're meant to be bloody doing. But is the texture nice? Nice crumble?

Or does it taste a bit soft, a bit off? No, it's nice. It's crumbly. The sandwich, the bread of the sandwich, so to speak, is very soft and nice. And then it's a hard there's a texture thing going on as well. Sarah. Octavius. I can't remember. Octavius, what do you think

then? What's your opinion? Oh, it's quite nice, yeah. Just do it into the microphone like a professional. Sorry. I'm busy! What a fucking healer he is about that. I'm trying to have a nom and you're like go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go trying to have a nom, and you're like, go get another microphone. Do you want to just get a load of shit? I'll have the microphone. I'll tell you what fucking stops right now. You two.

This fucking attitude. This stops right now. All right. I can see little gangs form, and they always form on the opposite side of my fucking fence. Yeah, they do, because you're an arsehole about talking into the mic. Simple thing. Don't be an arsehole about it.

Right, good. Sarah, your opinion. Octavius. Octavius Octavius your opinion No I don't care I'm just taking the piss I don't care it's weird though Because we don't have Alter egos

I think we should What would your alternate be Vectron I don't like it But I love it The floor of Vectron Alright sweet So you enjoy it

It's nice Would you have more of that? Yeah, I probably would. I'm not a fan of the sugar everywhere. It's quite a lot of sugar. Yeah. Don't worry, I'll clean that up. That's not your responsibility. Oh, good, good. The structural integrity's not there, but it has come across the ocean. And I mean, I am

very upset about the stick situation as well. Alright, but you can keep the stick. Oh, great, thank you. Right, next. Let's do this. It's a little glass jar. Oh, great. Thank you. Right, next. Let's do this. It's a little glass jar full of smarties. I'll let Sarah describe this one. Say what you see.

Well, it's a glass jar with M&Ms in it. That's essentially what it is. But it looks like one of those jars from Legend of Zelda. You know that it has

the milk in? Yeah. The cow's milk? Yeah. I never understood. You don't play a lot of Zelda, do you? I don't fucking know.

It's like they treat milk like booze in the series, don't they? There's always like bars and they always go in there. There's always one guy who's drunk too much cow's milk. Well. Yeah. Oh, here we go. I think there are drinks that are alcoholic milk-based drinks in the world. Yes.

Is that true? I've never had one myself. My God, that sounds just disgusting. I had some made ones. There was like honey beer. Yeah. It. My God, that sounds just disgusting. I had some mead once. It was like honey beer. Yeah. It's pretty intense, that, isn't it? Oh.

And it was in like... Is that what happens when you're sick? Your chest explodes. Yeah. And just the sick comes pouring out. It comes out like a dam. Bleh. But yeah, mead was bad.

And also the fact that it was sort of like farm-made mead and it wasn't in a proper bottle, it was in an old milk thing. All right, shut up. Sarah, explain what they... So it's in a glass jar, Smarties. You pop the cork, you already pop in the Smarties. Well, they're M&M's. Oh.

Oh. Oh, they taste a bit funny. They taste like that fake chocolatey thing. Yeah. Well, they're supposed to be M&M's. They are, but they are laced with MDMA. And it says, Too low major.

Which probably means I like you. It's meant to be a gift, isn't it? Tingle, incredible. Because it's got a little tab on the neck of the bottle tied on with a bit of string, which has a sort of card that you fill in for mum or whatever. A wee bit of parchment around the side as well

with hearts on. Have a smarty. I've not had these. I don't know what they're like. Oh, what's the hoof? I'd say they're more like Smarties, but they are M&Ms, aren't they? Hmm.

They're not M&Ms. We've made this point, mate. Whoa, you've cut it out. Right, I'm going to have a Smartie. Oh, no. They have an M on. That's what I... I wasn't listening to you,

I'll be honest. I was thinking about the next witty thing I was going to say. Oh, they're much... They've got a darker chocolate. It's like a higher cocoa content than a... Is that what you think is weird?

Yeah, maybe, yeah. They're more bitter. They actually... They taste a bit faulty, but they don't taste like the bad chocolate we've often had on this show. No. They've actually got quite a bit of cocoa in, I think.

That's nice, isn't it? I like those. Yeah? Yeah. Well, there we go. Out of five, then, what would you rate the knockoff multi... I mean, they might be real M&Ms.

I just don't know. I'll go for three and a half. Yeah, I'll go for about three and a half. Three I just don't know I'll go for three and a half yeah I'll go for about three and a half three and a half and I'll go for a two for the I've gone off

the shortcake crunch do you share the shortcake casaritas is what it is I think it's two and a half maybe alright

are these all sweet hey casaritas whatever it is you said it's all sweet it's all sweets. It's all sweets. He only got sweets. What else is good? I want to end with those.

I'll give you another little biscuit. Let's give you another biscuit. Here's a biscuit. Now, Joe likes these biscuits a lot. Copelia. Copelia. Yeah. Eli, say what you see. It is, again, a little sachet. It's called Copelia. C-O-p-e-l-i-a cop cop cop philia not coprophilia no no which is is that clowns or shit it's shit all right good what's clowns

the man we put white makeup on their face Zuckerberg that's chlorophobia I think chlorophobia and then I assume that if you want to shag clowns it's chlorophilia philia phobia I'll philia phobia I'll philia up

philia up with me hands and this is a little what looks like a little girl I'm open your nice pot. There's a little... It looks like a little girl who... I'm not even listening. I'm not listening to you. A little girl who looks like a chef. Oh. Is the little mascot.

Right, they're tucking in. Octavius has gone in. Oh, first reactions are not good. She's grimacing. No, I don't like coconut, so that's the reason why. Okay, it's coconut based, is it? Yeah.

Oh, it's a little macroon. It's a little coconut... Dirty coconut macroon. It's a little coconut, dirty coconut macroon. Yours looks like it's been sat on as well. I thought it was just mine. They've come all the way from Colombia, so they may be damaged in transit. This is definitely a coconut. Oh, I don't want it. Eat it.

Come on, you put worse things in your mouth on this show. It's very sweet, isn't it? It's like the inside of a bounty. Yeah, if you're like scooped out all the inside. If you're a psychopath. You're not a lover of coconut. I don't like coconut very much. I'm not a huge fan.

More divisions between us. What's the point of coconuts? I like coconuts. And you know what? There's all these people saying, oh no, you must cook stuff in coconut oil because it's super healthy, super food. Yeah.

It's not. Is it not? It's really bad. You know what? Some utter nutters put coconut oil in their coffee. What is that about? Ew. What is that about?

I don't mind coconut flavouring in my coffee. That's quite nice. That's fine, but they put like a teaspoon of it in. I know. That's the chest vomit. That's the chest vomit. That's the chest vomit. And stretch.

And stretch. Yeah. Nutter. Not a big fan of that, then? That's not a bad thing. It's an awful thing. I'll give that three. So let's change up a little bit.

If you're into coconut, again, I can't do more than a few mouthfuls. Same for you. Three, two, higher, lower. No, no. Like a one. Oh. Not like four. Same for you. Three, two, higher, lower. No, no, like a one. Oh, one. Did not like that. Not a fan. Right, well, this one's next for you.

I think this is a bit of a change up. It's for some reason, two lollipops attached violently with a piece of bow. You have to explore that, Pops. It's like they've been forced together in a romantic comedy or something. Yeah. You will love each other. All of these have a sort of theme like that because that's a gift you know that's meant to be sort of a gift for a loved one i think this is the m&ms he bought them in the bloody suit in the

airport on the way out the fucking door fucking get us some actual colombian stuff yeah like guns and drugs yes i want that these are called big bomb Bomb Baby. Oh, I honestly don't know what they are. I've not had them. There's only two of them. So I'll let you and, what's your name? I can't separate. There we go. That's not funny.

What's your name? That's not funny. Ellie. Ellie Silverstein. Like they're opening up their lollipops. Now, I don't know if it's got a centre to this. All I know is that it's a fruit pop. It's a fruit pop and the wrapper is like a strawberry.

Yeah. It's a strawberry. Like a chirp-a-chirp. Big bomb, bae. I wonder if it's got like a fizzy centre. Big bomb, baby. If you're not going to make an effort, Eli, then don't bother. Big bomb, baby.

I'm tasting the big bomb, baby. Someone's happy. Just get it in your gob. That's it the big bomb baby. Someone's happy. Just get it in your gob. That's it. Suck it. Get it in your gob. Very cheap, generic, strawberry-flavoured hard candy. Is that what you want? Yeah. In the middle, there's like really gooey

stuff. Is it sour? Is it just gooey liquid? No, it's just kind of... Oh no, yeah, it's two-tone. Normal tasting. You've got a kind of hard-boiled sweet in the middle and it's all gummy around it. So it's like a fondant sort of... A turducken of candy. Is it any better? A turducken. What's that?

So it's a prepared meat. Usually at Christmas, I think, or Thanksgiving, but the idea, it's a turkey that has a chicken in, and inside the chicken is a duck, turducken. So it's like three bird meat. So you stick one bird inside of another, and then another bird inside of those two.

You cook it all at once, and then you chop it up and eat it. I mean, that's just taking the piss, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. Tadouken. What's next? Beef bake. Beef, I'll get this. Beef bake chops. Beef bake chops. It's a big bit of beef with bacon around it, and a chop in the middle. I'll get this. Beef bake chops. Beef bake chops.

It's a big bit of beef with bacon around it and a chop in the middle. I'd eat that. Yeah, me too. A chop of what? Lamb. Pork chop. Oh, no, pork chop, I think. You wouldn't want to get lamb in there.

And then you've got pork twice. You've got the bacon and the, you know, so maybe. No, it's beef bacon. Oh, no, and then it has to be lamb. Because I'm sticking to the chop. But now I'm going off it. Greasy lamb chop, all oozing inside it. Yeah, all that nice big bone marrow bone jelly seeping out.

All right. Making the fat of the bacon go pippily pop. Octavius, you're not veggie or anything like that, are you? I am, yeah. Oh. That's okay, I'm not going to get upset about the fact that other people eat meat. Okay. You should.

Why? Don't all vegetarians have an issue? No, I don't care. I was brought up vegetarian. I was vegetarian for about 15 years of my life

and didn't mind it, enjoyed it because I hated meat that was being given in school. It was always very poor. So when I pulled dinner's meat

and put people off for life. I once bought a burger that when I opened it the meat patty had a bubble in under the skin. Like an air pocket

can I just say everybody put your hands on your chest pull back and go every time it looks like you're baring your breasts

I'm stupid it's stupid I'm sorry I started the thing is you don't do that when you're sick you don't go you go

then you shit your pants when did it when that time you shut your pants When did it when? That time you shit your pants That one fucking time I can never live it down Well you shouldn't have told me then If I was being sick in a bush And then I shit my pants with the force

I'd be like I'm keeping that to myself No one need know But you're like It's a podcast recording I shit my pants Yeah I'm sorry

We're going on to the final one now. That was very generic, the strawberry thing. Yeah, it was all right, though. Well, what I'm saving for last is interesting. So I'm just going to give you it. It's called Quiptos. Not Quicktos. Cryptos?

Quip-tos. Okay. Q-U-I-P-I-T-O-S. Quitty Pop Pops. Quitty Pop. Quitty Top Pops. Just hand it over. Yeah, here we go. Hand the shit over. Okay. Q-U-I-P-I-T-O-S. Quitty Pop Pops. Quitty Pop. Quitty Top Pops. Just hand it over. Yeah, here we go.

Oh, I have the shit over. Gee. Oh, this is popping candy. This is popping candy. Yeah, it is. Or is it? That's the big mystery. Well, is it?

When I had it, I was very surprised. Okay. It's not like repulsive or revolting or there's a horrible secret in it. It's just that it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. So I'll just let you. It's a little pink sachet. It's just that it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. So I'll just let you... It's a little pink sachet. This costs $500. No.

You must be able to win $500. What's the currency? Preco suggestico. Is that a joke thing? Like saying it's worth $500? Don't know. Culci con licchi e porvo. It says precio sugar.

Does that mean like precious sugar? I don't know. Yeah, it sounds like it Krippitos pops There's a lad on the front And he's having An absolute party In his mouth

He's the guy Who rammed it Right up his nose He's a huge party In his mouth And there's some kind of Decorative Explosion going on

Behind him As if His brain's blowing out The back of his head Yeah he's having All the experiences So I'm opening it

Open it all up I'm going to go for a huff of it. Have a huff. It looks like cocaine. Well, it's not. I hope fucking not. Anyway, all the way from trouble. Oh, no.

It's milky. Oh, it's cheesy. Oh, no. No. Now, I'm not expecting you to down the pack. Oh, she can't do it. No, that's creepy. It's not supposed to smell like that.

This is not popping candy. It is. This is milk. No, it is. This is desiccated milk. Try some. Just pour a little bit into your mouth. What's it taste like?

Tastes like popping candy. Yeah. Someone's put in some milk powder. Oh, dear. Oh Oh dearie me. There's been a dusty explosion from Octavius's mouth. I just inhaled a load of it. Do you need... Oh god.

Right, I'm going. Emergency. Oh, no it's fine, I'm fine. Emergency. I've got to get some... No, I can't get it in. Podcast. It's freaking popping in my...

Oh my god, this is chaos. Podcaster down. Podcaster down. Have some of that. Oh, I can feel freaking popping oh my god this is chaos podcaster down podcaster down have some of that oh I can feel it popping in my lungs there you go

have some of that thank you we're only 20 minutes in and we've nearly killed her this is great I'm sorry it's because I was

laughing at Eli just going on so I inhaled it it's dangerous man so interesting flavour isn't it It's dangerous man So Interesting flavour isn't it It's just wrong It feels like someone's put

Popping candy In a coffee mate Yes Exactly like that It feels like that Desecrated powder You get for coffees Do you know what's weird though

What It actually tastes Kind of nice But it doesn't feel like It should taste like that It doesn't taste As bad as it smells It's got the flavour

Of like a Werther's Original. Yeah. It's all over me. Yeah. Well, do you want to snort that? No. No? No.

Are you speaking to the fucking mic? How many times? Seriously, sorry you have to be here for this. How many times have I said about the mic? I'm speaking into it, man. See, Octavia still doesn't

speak to the mic. That's fine. She's not used to the protocol. It's just a nudge Here and there See Right But you

We've been doing this Shut up coughing I can't tell air off But I can tell you off Right We've been doing this For three years And not once

Have you mastered Mic technique Alright Yeah Speaking to the mic Right That's the end of cheap eats what was your favourite thing Sarah Octavius I hate this

all your shit yeah you ingratiated yourself fucking quickly didn't you what was your favourite you Mike Nazi the lollipop was the least eventful one so I think I'm going to go with that one okay lollipop Eli

what did I enjoy the most, Paul? Vetrox. What did you enjoy the best? Which did I enjoy the most, Paul? Yeah. What would be the one you'd go back to in a heartbeat if you saw it in a bag? I actually liked the M&M substitutes. Yeah?

Yeah. They've got a bitterness. Well, I've got to take pictures, but do you want them? Yes. There you go. Job done. Do you want any candy from the bag? No, I don't think so. No, do you want them? Yes. There you go. Job done. Do you want any candy from the bag?

No, I don't think so. No, she can't be trusted. You're just trying to kill me. We didn't try and kill you. You just didn't observe the safety procedures involved with eating powdered candy.

Do you know that powder is explosive if you go in the air? Yeah, Mythbusters did it all the time. It's crazy, isn't it? I think they actually got coffee powder creamer

and they did an explosion on Mythbusters and then exploded like with air pressure the creamer into the air and the fireball was magnificently huge. Well, it's just something

about the physical property of particles like that. Because as it explodes it jumps onto every particle and explodes out. Right. Like big bangs. Like a big bang which we all know wasn't the start of the universe.

No, it was God. It was God. As we're learning on this episode. Welcome to Christchurch. I hope the family fortunes tells us something about, you know, the man upstairs. Well, this is from the Les Dawson era, so we might be all right. I think if we're in the Bob Monkhouse era, we might be dealing with a few. We asked 100 secretaries, would they nosh off

their manager? How many said yes? Yeah, exactly, yeah. I mean, you grimace, but there are questions that they are so close to that. Really?

Yeah. There's always like, oh, if your boss was doing this, would you make a pass at a Christmas party? How many said yeah to get ahead in their career?

You think that glass ceiling just got lower? Yeah. Well, I'm looking forward to that, Paul. And I've enjoyed the show so far. And... This is not a fucking running commentary of what I've been doing for three years.

Are you enjoying the show so far? Let's get a check in. Yeah, sure. I'm having the best time. Oh, God. What? I mean it. No, I don't care. Keep it up.

Fuck you then. Now, if you want to get involved in the song You can But you don't have to It's there for you to enjoy if you wish But it is time for The Price of Shite Now Do you know how the jingle goes?

I'm going to let you guys serenade me I'm going to point at you And all you've got to do is say And that's right Okay so when I do this And that's right Now let's do when I do this. And that's right. Now, let's do it with a bit of fucking gusto. Please.

Because this is an uptempo. You can shut your mouth. It will work if you are getting a bit too aggressive. Yeah, okay. I've had four coffees this morning. It will be a good counterpoint if we give it gusto and then Octavius comes in with a...

Oh, then let's telegraph the gag then, shall we? You just better be good at this, all right? Why have you only put E and S on the paper? Eli and Sarah. Octavius. Right. Okay, Sarah, Octavius, kitten, I'm now going to call her Sock. Eli and Sock.

All right. Yeah? Yeah. We're facing off. You are going to call this sock. E-Line's sock. All right. Yeah? Yeah. We're facing off. You are going to face off. Now, usually it's point out, point this, or this. All I want is whoever's closest when we do this one. So you get a point if you're just closest to the price, okay?

But first of all, before we get any further. Let's do the fucking jingle. Ready? When I point. Yeah. Fuck this. Do you want me to do it like a copy art store? Paul? Do you know, I don't

usually like guests on the show and every time I let one in... When's the last time we had one? Biffo. When was the last time? Or the live show. Oh, the live show, yeah. That was a letdown. Ash giving me shit the whole time. I'll do my best, Paul. Two minutes in and we haven't done the thing. Here we go. It's the fucking price of shite It's the fucking price of shite

It's the fucking price of shite Oh it's the fucking price of shite And that's right Steve Wright in the afternoon Let's go to the pub singer It's the price of shite Let's go to the pub singer. It's the price of shite. I went to a charity shop and a few other stores.

I bought things from various stores, so it's not just charity shops today. It's not just charity shop stuff. I'm not going to tell you where I got some items because they may give it away. And I have three items on show. As in one of them was from Poundland, so it was a pound. Exactly. So you just don't know, okay? Well, there's no other price it could be, then. One of them is a pound.

Well, no, because Poundland... Right, one of them's a pound. Well, no, because Poundland do sell things for two pounds and five pounds now. But we wouldn't know that it was two pounds or five pounds if we knew it was from Poundland. I'm just saying. We'd have to guess, wouldn't we? I'm just saying. We'd have to go with the money and guess that it was a pound if we knew it was from Poundland.

There's no 50p land. There's no 725 land. There's 79p land, isn't there? Yeah, well, there was. All gone now. Do you know what the shop in the news is called? Moominland. Oh, that's amazing.

It is. But didn't you also have a store that sold mattresses near you called Disney's as well once? There you go. Moominland. And then we've got the newsagent on the corner which is called Lion King. I don't know why

I find that funny but that's really good. The jewellery store is called Lion King. No, it's just a corner shop. You know, it's a grocery, newspapers.

Do they stock bobbies? They have severe bobbies. Do they have a lot of bobbies? They've got the whole bobbies range in there. We have to go back to bobbies. It's time to go to the froth shop soon

and catch up on bobbies. Right, price of sh bobbies range in there. We have to go back to bobbies. It's time to go to the froth shop soon and catch up on bobbies. Right, Price of Shy. Items. No particular order. Price is all over

the place. Just keep it interesting. Shall we begin? Whip out your first item. No hurry. Here's the first

one. I'm going to give it to Octavius to play with. What is it? Explain it because obviously it's a visual medium.

Jesus fuck. It's not a visual medium. What is it? It's a, it's a, don It's not a visual medium. What is it? It's a... It's a... Don't raise your eyebrow at me. What?

What is it? What is it? It's a... It's a vibrate-y thing. Oh. It's a three-pronged vibrating instrument. Yeah. And I believe...

You're such a child. I can't believe I'm saying that, but you really are. I believe it's meant to be a personal massager rather than an intimate massager. Because I don't think anyone's erogenous zones are displayed like that. No? Are you going to show us where your erogenous zones are?

Can you wait until I leave? Gentlemen, that one goes right underneath the ball bag. And these two stimulate the perineum. This isn't your own personal thing, is it? And I've just touched it. It's washed. Eli! Give it here.

I don't mind. What is it? It looks like one of those robots. Oh, do you know what it looks like? The robot from Black Hole. Remember Black Hole, the film? Yes, the one that floats. Yeah.

What was he called? Bizbot. He was the best thing about the whole film yeah because it's a dreary pile of shit that film you ever seen Black Hole

no Disney film right made in the early 80s or maybe late 70s they were desperate to have a hit like Star Wars that's what it comes down to so they made this

sci-fi thing about this spaceship that's trapped near a black hole the most dreary film terrible dreary it's got Ernest Borgnine

in and Harvey Keitel is the bad guy. And he has this big robot called Max. Max a Million. Yeah. Which is, again, the best thing about the film. Some of the art direction was pretty good. Yeah. It was a beautifully looking film,

just dreary, no action scenes. Baby, I just turned it on. Yeah. Fucking, it's got harsh. Do you want me to rub it on your back? No, I don't. Why do the lights come on, Paul? For visual splendour.

Well, look, I'm rubbing my back. I can't see no fucking lights, can I? Is it some kind of, like, crystal therapy? It's meant to... Oh, that's quite nice, actually. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want me to give you a hard...

No, I don't want you to do it. I don't want you to do that. Let me do it. I don't like it when you do that. Let me touch you. I don't want you to, ever. I'm so lonely. You're not. I am. I'm the lonely one you. I don't want you to ever. I'm so lonely. You're not.

I am. I'm the lonely one and I don't want you to touch me. It's nice that. Yeah. I think that's pretty good. So, three pronged vibrating instrument.

It is like a robot. It's styled like a robot. And it has lights that come on. Yeah, little red knobs. It's quite effective as a robot. And it has lights that come on. Yeah, little red knobs. It's quite effective as a massager. Yeah, no, it does the job. We had a massage item on the show before, didn't we? That chrome thing.

Chrome four-legged. But that had no moving parts. No. It's actually got... Yeah, this one definitely jostles. So, with that in mind, back massager, vibrating back massager with lights. Octavius, you get to choose first.

How much do you think that is? Do you mean how much you paid for it? How much I paid for it, but it's still a guess. It's a very tricky one. £5.73. She's doing a cold read on you. Oh, Paul's cheating. You are cheating.

What is this? What are you doing your fingers for? Lower. It's like he's waving the fart away. Now, on that subject, Paul. Yeah. I'm sorry. I just wanted to say, they say

they go, he who smelt it dealt it. Is this really the fucking avenue you want to go down? And then there's the, he who said the crime, who he said the rhyme did the crime. And then is there another one? After that, like you two both did it. He who gesticulates, farts.

I think I got one. Why don't I just go, I farted. I who farted, farted. Yeah, exactly. Right. Sorry, what was the relevance of that? Yeah exactly It was like He was going lower

Lower with his hand Oh okay Fair enough He was wafting away At a noxious fart No When I waft away a fart It's like this

It's big hand gestures To the face Oh Big intakes of breath Feed it You feed yourself Anyway Get your dinner out of that

Nice beefy dinner Come on man What? Just you know I'm sorry Have you not listened to the podcast before Eli? No I never have Big jobs

So we want a lower price than five Than four You've got one last chance £3.69 £3.69 Alright Eli What do you think? I had a figure that came into my mind as soon as I saw this object.

£2.50. £2.50? That's the figure that came into my mind. Okay, on to the next. Oh, here's a bit of fun. Eli, what's that? Ah, this is a Hot Wheels Minecraft vehicle. Yeah, that's it.

That's literally it. But it's Hot Wheels, isn't it? Yeah. That's good, isn't it? I mean, I looked at that and I thought, what a piece of shit. It's just a block, a Minecraft block that is meant to go...

A metal die-cast block. I tried to get... I downloaded Minecraft for my phone. Yeah. And I was just like, well, what do you do? There's a wall. Yeah. You're so unimaginative.

But I could draw or something, you know. The game is only limited by your imagination. Yeah. But what did you have to do with the game? You can do amazing stuff in Minecraft. You can build working computers and calculators. Yeah, I heard about that. That's pretty impressive.

Fun, fair rides. You see that Beetlejuice one? You know, where someone turned Minecraft into like a roller coaster and it was like a Beetlejuice theme one. Yeah. Pretty amazing. Have you played it yourself? Yeah, yeah a roller coaster it was like a Beetlejuice theme one pretty amazing have you played it yourself?

yeah I used to play it a lot isn't there sort of like a challenge like missions or something isn't there some sort of point scoring that you do I mean no not really you just kind of go around and you find stuff and you build things and you go this is quite nice and then like this big green lad comes and fucks your shit up

and then there is a competitive sort of thing yeah this is quite nice and then like this big green lad comes and fucks your shit up and then oh that's what I mean there's creepers there is a competitive sort of thing yeah yeah occasionally a lad will come

I never saw the big green lad that's because you've hardly played it yeah and you hardly explore you just went that shit is just a wall yeah you literally just went

I tried a few times it's just like oh that's fiddly I can't do the fucking wall great so what's interesting though is that it says has the six to collect look at the back they're all the fucking same car no they're not they're different they're not though they're they're all minecarts but they're probably they're all the same yeah other vehicles the only difference

is the is the is the um the coloration no the only difference is the packaging so you see that has a little aladdin there in the car yeah the other one has, the only difference is the packaging. So you see that has a little Aladdin there in the car. Yeah. The other one has a creeper in, and the other one has a whatever in. But the point is... There's none in the actual vehicle. So I don't know if you're meant to stick the toys in or something.

It's mint on card, so you're just meant to keep the card. You're meant to keep the whole thing and just be a nerd about it. It's just crap. I think there'll be different coloured minecarts. There's got to be different colours. Let me just put it this way.

There's a few different designs, apparently, in the store I got it from. When I looked, they all looked the same to me. I looked for different patterns

in the Minecraft sticker work on the side. Nothing. They've just managed to literally bang out one car,

say there's six designs, and then some Minecraft idiot child will go, Mummy, I wish to have that.

Is that what you were like? Yes. A Minecraft idiot child. go, Mummy, I wish to have that. Is that what you were like? Yes. A Minecraft idiot child. Mother, I wish to build a temple in Minecraft and I shan't do it without a horsey cart. Imagine some child genius.

Don't look at me like that. Imagine some child genius idiot savant like came up with some kind of program. Like, imagine that the first true AI was created in Minecraft, and then it fucking

infected the whole world from there. We need to be keeping a check on this. There needs to be a what? A Minecraft watch? Yes. In case for intelligent AI. Well, AI is by definition intelligent. Great.

For deadly AI What's that word? It's a successful point you're making I just wanted to go into it Right Malignant Malignant Right

It's a Minecraft car I need to give you the price for that Yeah let's start with you this time How much do you think that was? Can I just say a number and you cheat? Please by saying a higher or lower I'll just do this Come on

Pick a number I can't give you a jostleation. Three. Three? Three. What are you doing? I don't know, giving you hand gestures. There's one.

You're getting close. Here's another one. I think three pounds. Three pounds for that. Octavius, what do you think of the Minecraft Hot Wheels die-cast car? I think it's probably more. Probably about five quid. But the thing is, Octavius, he's a skinflint.

He never spends any... How fucking dare you? He does. He hates to spend more than about... Can I just say on that? Can I just say on that? What? So when we had Christmas,

for Christmas we got presents for each other on this show, I bought him Tomy Wow, a big plastic gadget toy that has buttons and you make a ball go round with magnets and things. What did you get me? Some tea. Thank you. A box of tea. Have you eaten it? No. Are you going to?

Because it's a drink and I will drink it. Maybe I'll smoke it. Maybe I'll smoke it and live the times of past. Final item. What's that? Is this the times of past. Good. Final item. What's that? Is this the last one? This is the last one.

This is a pot. It's a little pot. A little yellow pot. A little yellow pot. It has a smiley face on it, but the smiley face is licking its lips. In a cheeky manner. As in, yum. Oh, I just ate something very toothsome and fulfilling.

Yeah. And it was sweet as well. And on the bottom, it says, oh, this is quite nice, isn't it? I like this. It says, this is one you got from a charity shop, I'd guess. Yeah. The Mustard Shop, handmade in England, 3 Bridewell Alley, Norwich. Oh, it's Norwich!

Mustard City. Yeah, Coleman's. Coleman's. Do you want to give it to Tavis to have a look at, to evaluate? How do you like it? What would you use this for? Mustard City Yeah Coleman's Coleman's Do you want to give it to Tavis to have a look at To evaluate How do you like it What would you use this for Mustard

Mustard Put mustard in But you Because then the mustard's Going to be open to the elements You can't do that It's for like If you had a big roast

Had everyone round And you're going to be Using it So it's a mustard boat So you're sitting there Around the table at Christmas There's a little pot of mustard And a cheeky little face

Means it's going to be A fun family dinner It's going to be A toothsome family Wholesome So you're sitting there around the table at Christmas, there's a little pot of mustard, and the cheeky little face means it's going to be a fun family dinner. It's going to be a toothsome family, wholesome dinner. You're sitting there, special occasion, I'll get the mustard pot out with a cheeky smile. And there'll be no spoff talk at the table. There'll be no ejaculate into the mustard jar at all. Well, you'd have to have some aim to get in there. Don't tell me.

They call him dead-eye dick. Yeah. I can hit my fucking marks, me. Don't you worry about that. I just had the worst image of you just standing on the top of a table, wanking. There's just people around the table trying to eat their dinner. Merry Christmas. That would put you off the fat on your roast pork, wouldn't it?

Dirty daddy mustard's making a deposit. Right. So, but it's not Coleman's. No. It's the mustard shop. Coleman's gone. Gone from Norwich. Yeah.

Brexit. Yeah. Hashtag. What's your... Do you like mustard, Paul? I like it on a hot dog. Yeah. But do you like English?

Do you like the stronger stuff? Or do you like American? Oh, I'm a mustard man. I like your Dijon. Yeah. I like your French. I like your... Whole grain. I like your Colonel mustard. Whole man. I like your Dijon. I like your French. I like your... Whole grain.

I like your kernel mustard. Whole grain. I like whole grain. Whole grain. I like... What about you, Octavius? What's your mustard talk on Cheap Show? No, no.

Whole grain. I mean, genuinely, that's the only mustard that I like. Oh, you only like the whole grain one? Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. I like this. I like it. I like the mustard that I like. Oh, you only like the whole grain one? Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. I like this. I like it.

I like the yellow. I like the hue. It's a nice, lovely little thing, that, Paul. I like it a lot. It can hold maybe about 70 to 80 ejaculates, I reckon. It can hold enough mustard for a full roast. 70 to 80? Yeah, I reckon 70 or 80 ejaculates would fill that.

No, you'd be looking at quite a lot of other spilt lines, surely. 10cc. That's not true, though. Isn't it? No. Apparently the 10cc came up with... Oh, I might get this wrong. But someone had a dream and they said,

you're going to be called 10cc and you'll be the biggest band in the world. Really? And I want to say it was Jonathan King who said that, but Jonathan King had a hand in 10cc at the start before he became a massive nonce. Well, I think these things develop over several years. He must have had a latent nonce in him. Yeah, so, you know, we're not talking about noncing.

This is not nonced show. Like, fuck. That would be bad if it was. It would be pretty bad. I like that. It's very 70s. Mustard. Tasty spoff. No, stop. Why? i wish i hadn't said spoff colonel mustard spoff it's got proper taste okay please stop because i feel like i'm gonna retch anyway how much do you think

eli start with you how much do you think that was i want to say something now uh octavius we should revise one of our guesses here he said that that whole thing about, I'm not going to tell you where it's from. I deducted that the only reason he wouldn't... Deduced. When you deduct, you take away. So you deduced. When I deduced it... Deduction is when you look into something.

I deduced that one must be from Poundland because that would give it away. That's why he didn't want to tell us. This isn't from Poundland. I think we can both agree. That is. So that must be a pound. So what do you think?

You can move your eyes now, but you've got to do it quickly. So first of all, which one do you want to revise, Eli? Minecraft. Minecraft. How much do you think that is? Pound. So you're going to go with pound? Yeah, I think that's a pound as well.

All right. Okay, good. So that means how much do you think that was? 75. Oh, you get to guess first. Yeah.? 75. Oh, you get to guess first. Yeah, all right. No, I get to guess first. Yeah.

Oh, go on. Then it gives her an advantage. 75p. That's how much I think it was. 75p. Right, what do you think then? 65p. Oh, 65p.

She's undercut me there. Just a little bit. She's played the odds. So, shall we reveal the scores? Yeah. Yeah? Please. Yeah? Please. Here we go. So, first off was the back massager. With lights.

Inexplained lights. You said £3.69. Interesting. Eli, you said £2.50 for the Vibratey Bratey. Yeah? Can I keep this? I'll put it in my pants. At the front. I'm joking.

At the front. Well, that would be quite an intent. Oh, I've just... Oh. No. Stop that. Oh, it's party time in Pants Town. Quick, get the mustard cup.

Oh, get the mustard cup. It's time to fill it. You need a fucking mustard poultice. A cold mustard poultice slapped right down. Right. The answer was... You said 250. You said 250, Octavia said 369. The price was three pound on the nose. So Eli wins by a breath.

Just to get to point there. So one point to Eli. Three pounds, eh? Three pounds, yeah. Not bad. Where'd you get it? That was in Richmond and I got it from Oxfam. Ah, so it's a secondhand item that could have been up someone.

It could have been up someone, in someone, next to someone. You couldn't get that in someone, surely? Oh, man. You've led a sheltered life. You could. I've seen women literally birth olive jars. Aren't there some people who get off by putting their heads inside ladies? No, they don't. No, they don't.

No, they don't. You can't. No. I heard this. I heard this. Did you? Yeah. I did.

Have you attempted it? Is this why you're alone? I would never attempt that. Yeah. At least not without asking first. What the hell are you trying to do? You come down in your little cravat and your smoking pipe. Darling, tonight's the night where I stick my head up your mutt.

It must be impossible. I mean, it is impossible physically for most people, but there might be specialists out there. In the old days, when you went to places like Rotten.com or Blue Waffle for your gross internet stuff, there was a video that I was sent by a friend of mine who remained nameless. It's not Joe, funnily enough, though, because if it was Joe, I would name him.

But it was a lady, content warning, splaying her bottom cheeks and forcing out a big olive jar. Was it? Were there olives in it? How did you know it was an olive jar? Yeah, it was full of olives. That's how I knew it was an olive jar. Right.

So that happened. There you go. The elasticity of the human bottom. Yes. It could easily contain our robot vibrator yeah but if but can you get it out that's the question well you have to go to hospital yeah and then that's a story i fell on it i fell on it really a few times right uh let's move on because sir is getting visibly upset yeah soouraged and upset. So the next item was Minecraft Hot Wheels little die-cast box with a thing pointless.

You both said a pound. You were both right. I got that was the pound man item. So 1.8. We outsmarted you. I deduced you. So it's two to Eli, one to Octavius. And on to the final item, which was, what was it?

What was that? Mustard jar. Mustard jar. Mustard jar. Possibly, maybe, my favourite item. I like the colour. I like the make. I like the cheeky face. Definitely my favourite item, Paul.

Eli said 75p. Sarah said... I'm just calling you different names depending on where it works. So that's fine. It's like we've got two guests. Psychologically confusing. Do you separate them?

Yeah. Yeah. So you're messing with her by calling her both a little bit i am a bit confused sort it out man he's terrible with names though it's just it's just a psychological thing when i feel like i'm octavius i'm actually like outgoing confident when i'm sar, I'm just like... Whereas Eli's just... I'll never fill a mustard pot up with my spouse. Why do you feel sad about it? It's like, oh, God.

I don't know. Anyway, I could. Eli said, I just wanted to make that clear. I could. Give me a couple of days. All right, I'll come back in a couple of days. Let's not do that as a challenge. And Octavia says 65p.

The answer was... 50p! Yeah! So Octavia gets to that point, which means it's a two or a draw. It's a draw. Now, you could fit both of them up your arse. Oh.

So if you were going to... In fact, you know, back in the old days, as far as I'm aware, women used to use, cut in half oranges and scoop them out and shove them up the plate. Really?

Yeah, so they'd have a cup like that so that it all, you know, go in the cup and then they could pull it out. Oh, it's contraception. Yeah. Or do you think they did it for a laugh? It could be quite zesty. Welcome to...

Welcome to... Welcome to... It could be a sort of hygiene thing. It's zesty. Is that why they used to call What, Cleveland? It could be a sort of hygiene thing. Is that why they used to call them orange sellers? The prostitutes in the olden days? Yeah. That had to do with that, didn't it? Yeah, yeah.

So you'd like fold... You'd shove it in and then it acts like a cap. The thing is, they could have monetised it. I never knew that. They've got like little cups. Put an orange up and gone... Squeezed it. Juiced it

orange juice straight from a lady's chum and then she can keep the rind up there for sexy times like grapefruiting as we all learned grapefruiting pleasure your man sorry what's grapefruiting?

it's oh oh boy we saw a video right come on then Sorry, what's grapefruiting? It's... Oh, boy. We saw a video. I've all seen it. Right, come on, then. What do you see? And it was this lady. She's like a sex doctor sort of advice lady.

Yeah. African-American lady. And she demonstrated... It's an instructional... It's not porn. No. It's just an instructional YouTube video about how to grapefruit your man so you basically stick his dick in a grapefruit you know but you have to blindfold him so he doesn't get all like oh

that might stink yeah so the idea is the grapefruit you half it so it's like a slice yeah and then you poke out the center so the penis goes through the middle of it and then you move it up and down and it tastes nice for you as well. Because, you know, melon. But she made this god-awful noise when she was simulating fellatio. It's on YouTube. It's not like we went to a porn site.

There's a woman demonstrating. She made a noise that was like, you know, it was like being in hell and it's the fun room or whatever. You've got to go in there. It was like the Chilli... The Chilli... It sounded like the Chilli... I don't know what I'm saying. The Chilli Buff go in there. It was like the chili... The chili... Sounded like the chili...

I don't know what I'm saying. The chili buffet in hell. The chili buffet in hell. Yeah. Wow. Hang on. So you don't tell your boyfriend that you're going to do this?

No, you blindfold him. I've got something special for you. Oh, I've got something special. What the fuck? What's he going to... Don't you take the blindfold off? Oh, what is that? And it's like,

what the fuck are you doing with a grapefruit on my cock? Get that off. Surely. I mean, guys, if your partners did that, would you not sort of be a bit worried? I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind. No?

In fact, I'd be like, here's some strawberries, make a fruit salad, love. Have some fun while you're down there. I've got a vindaloo flavoured condom. Yeah. And on that note, let's end. And wrapping up Cheap Show today is our final segment. It's one of my favourite segments. It's G-G-G-G-Gannons, G-G-G-Golden, G-G-G-Games, everybody.

Woo! Party in the house. Woo! Yeah! Woo! Come on! All right. Oh, I love going charity shopping for board games now.

I've become quite obsessed. What was that one we saw the other day which we decided not to buy? Hotel? Hotel. Which is basically Monopoly. But it looked good. It had a good sort of all chunky building, plastic building thing. It has that Game of Life toy aspect to it, but it's still fucking Monopoly. It's not going to be very fun.

I bought, because we're going to be making some Cheap Show videos soon, I have been buying board games that have a slightly more visual content. So I bought that Don't Get Mad game, you know, the weird thing you wear

is a hat and it has like a lights thing. Yeah. It's like it has a sensor on your head and it reads your rage and it gets up to red. You have to keep calm.

Yeah. So there's that. I've got a water game where you wear a hat with water on. I've got one called Voice Breaker where you're talking to a microphone but wearing headphones and it repeats your voice back to you on a delay

you've got to describe things it's kind of i've got loads of things like that but today we are playing a game i think we've done before but i'm looking forward to playing it again it's family fortunes Thank you. Family Fortunes. We all know it in the UK, and if you're in America, you know it as Family Feuds. I like it. Two families. It's a good format, eh?

It's a great format. Do you like Family Fortunes? Sure, yeah. Yeah? Do you like Les Dennis? Is he that lad? Yes. He is that lad.

He's male. He's the one who made a whole career out of doing a character from Coronation Street who hadn't been on the show for 20 years. Deidre, was it? No. It's like, oh, I don't really know. He's part of the Russ Abbott Madhouse crowd with Dustin G. And he had a brief sort of recooling moment when he was on Extras.

Yeah. When he was like taking the mick out of his failed career. He was taking the mick out of himself. Yeah, that's how I know him. Yeah. So that's him. And he was naked in that, wasn't he? Yeah. Or was that Keith Chegg? That of his failed career He was taking the mick out of himself Yeah that's how I know him Yeah So that's him And he was naked in that wasn't he Yeah

Or was that Keith Chegg That was Cheggers God rest his soul I think they both were weren't they Alright Jürgen Juve just went Alright let's get that cunt in Let's see his tiny dick

And I'll laugh at it In my sitcom extras Cheggers was brave Cheggers was brave He did a show called Naked Jungle Yeah Did you ever see that Yeah I think I did

But I was really Like Crystal Maze with dangly body parts. Ugh. There wasn't much dangle with Cheggers, though. No. It was more of a nub. Just a sort of nub out. The Chegwin nub. Bless him.

Because to be honest, he didn't have to go nude. He didn't care. He obviously was a man who was... Hey, I'm Cheggers. Get the cock out. He was comfortable with his I'm Cheggers. Get the cock out. He was comfortable with his own... Cheggers used to be an actor as well. He was in...

Was it Polanski's Romeo and Juliet? Fuck, really? Was it Polanski who made Romeo and Juliet? He may have. Someone made Romeo and Juliet, and I believe he was in... Or was it Macbeth? Either way, he was in some kind of 70s art house

take on Shakespeare. There you go. And he was also in a film recently called Kill Keith, which is about a serial killer going around offing celebrities like Tony Blackburn. And then he died. Yeah, and then he died. That's a bit of irony. And we did

mention him on The Cheap Show, and then he died not too long after. And yet, we continue to mention Noel Edmonds, and he lives. Noel lives. Right, it's time to play Family Fortunes! What a segue! You know how it lives. Noel lives. Right, it's time to play Family Fortunes. Yay! What a segue. You know how it goes.

I ask a question. Two. Have you not asked one yet? No, not yet. We asked 100 people. We surveyed them. We got their top answers. And all you've got to do

is jostle for control of the round and get as many of those answers as possible. Was that a clean enough explanation yes it was well done thank you i didn't listen but you know so i'm gonna be so we'll do what we'll do i'll read a question out here we go here he goes when i was gonna mess this bit up when i ask the question you buzz in if you get

it right and get the top answer, you gain control of the round. Then you have to get all the rest of the list. If you fail, then it goes over to the other person and they have a chance to steal. And you'll get the points. All right? I do understand you, but it's only because I'm familiar with the rules. With the format, yeah. It's all right.

Shut up. Right. So, Eli, your buzzer sounds like this. These are the buzzers I nicked from the digitiser set. Nothing went to waste. Sarah, what's yours? Or Octavius. Either or.

Octavius doesn't matter anymore. That's cooler than mine. That's pretty awesome. Yeah. So press that when you think you know, and I'll ask you to answer the question. And it has to be on the list, yeah. Yeah. Right, ready?

Here we go. Let's start. Naked grandma. Oh, and there is a prize at the end of this. So you are playing for a proper prize today, just so you know. Just so there's actually a bit of competition, all right? Because, you know, some people come in and just, you know, don't get involved. We drew, so this will be the tiebreaker for the prize to shine, I guess.

So let's go. We asked 100 people. Fingers on buzzers. I really want to see your fingers. We asked 100 people something that people buzzers I really want to see your fingers We asked 100 people Something that people do When they're in love Eli

Make love They do That's the whole point Oh fuck off I'm gone It's not here Well it's stupid So

I call stupid on this already So Octavius What are they The whole point of being in love? You make love, Paul. You don't. And you didn't when you were in a relationship. Ooh!

I fucking tried. Okay. So, okay. Five answers. He didn't get one. What? I'll read it out again. Something that people do when they're in love.

Argue? Come on. Yeah. I hate that that's the first thing that I thought. Wow. Eli, you can have another go. I'm so jaded. Go for walks in the rain.

I'll give that. Hold hands, walks. It's the third answer. So you've got control, right? So you've got 12 points there, right? So you've got to guess now the other four answers. 12 points there. Right? So you've got to guess now the other four answers. There's four answers and that was the third. Yeah.

What they do when they're in love. Yeah. What do people do when they're in love? Now you have to think Octavius because if he gets three strikes you can steal the round. Move in with each other. What the fuck is wrong with this program? Two more. You've never been in love so of course you don't know the answers to this.

I take umbrage to that, all right? You do? Yes, I fucking do. There's no backup argument here. I have been in love. Well, how am I going to prove to you that I've been in love? Here, sitting here. Sitting here with you.

Because I'm not feeling fucking love now. Anyway, you've got two more strikes and four answers on the board. Come on. If you're too long, you get a buzzer. They buy jumpers. Buy fucking jumpers? Is that what you did when you were in love? Oh, that's adorable.

I didn't. Just you and a little jumper. I'm so in love. I feel like he's in hers or something. You've got one more guess. And then Octavius has a chance to steal. Can I hear the wording of the question again? Something that people do

when they're in love. We've had walking, holding hands. Kiss. Bing, bing, bing. Top answer. Which you could have given me for making love. There's a difference between kissing and making love. If you don't know that, you're in fucking trouble, mate. It's part of making love. And if you don't know that, you're in fucking trouble, mate. It's part of making love.

Right. Frenching. You have to be. Frenching? Yes. Have you ever done Flemish kissing? What's that? It's like French kissing, but with more phlegm.

Three more answers. Hoh. Hoh. Everybody, hoh. Right, come on. Three more. Three more, but one strike left. Come on. Hugging, cuddling. Yeah. Bing, 12. Oh no, I've already given you that for walking hounds. No. Okay. So you've already got that one. So I'll let you have it. I won't give you a buzz because that

was my error. That's included in. Yeah, that's the first one you got. So you got three more answers. What do people do in love? Come on, imagine it. Go on date. No, it's not on there. You have a chance to steal to win the points. You have, what is this, 60? You've got 70 points on the table to steal right now. Oh, God. You've got three answers available. Three more things? Three more on the board that you

didn't get. No, I can't think of anything. You shag, you have some food. Fucking goodnight. You said kiss and you said hold hands, walk walk cuddle so what else do people love what else do you want from me

buy each other stuff give presents yeah so you get 70 points and Eli gets nothing so at the end of that

what happens to my points you don't win them because you lost the round was that the last answer no there were two more answers all she has to do is steal one to win the round. Well, really? That seems a bit harsh.

No, because he did all the work. You've got to remember, if it was a family, you'd have to spend the mental road. Do you want me to play this as if I'm a family? Yeah, be multiple people in the Eli Silverman family. All right, okay. So the other answers on the board were Daydream 4. What?

Oh, fuck off! That is made up. That is bollocks nobody does that the second the second top answer was get married or engaged daydreaming is a solitary activity it's by it's very structured we've spoken all right next round okay here we go. Hands on buzzers. Name something made of rubber. Octavius. Condom. Why is that the first one? The problem is, I would give you that,

but it's not on the board. They're not made of rubber. They are, aren't they? No, you are. Latex. Rubber johnnies. The old man. They used to be rubber. Are they? No, you are. You're right. Latex. Same difference. You call them rubbers? Rubber Johnnies? Yes. Rubber the old man?

They used to be rubber. I think they're slightly different chemicals. The old lamb's bladder. Lamb's bladder. Half an orange, as we've discussed. Half an orange. That doesn't work. It's more of a...

Anyway. It's more zesty. But they're not the only fruit. Must be stingy. To gain control of the round, Eli, name me something made of rubber. A ball. Is on the board. 11 points, a third answer.

Now, do you want to play the round or give it to Octavius to try? And if she fails to get all five, then you can steal and win the points. I can only think of one other thing made of rubber at this moment. So, you're going to hand it over? There's only half an hour left. I'm trying to play the game. As if it was a real game, Paul. I know, but there's still fucking time.

I'll hand it over. Right, so. He said ball. There are four more answers. Right. How about like an actual rubber, like an eraser? Yep, that's on there. One point.

It's only there, but it's the bottom answer. You're the bottom answer. Right, you can fuck off. Fucking bottom answer right you can fuck off fucking hell and you can fuck off i go for all the time and effort to get a space now and you all come at me you'll come at me it's good in here i like it um this shoes souls of shoes uh yeah boots shoes six points there. Excellent. How many more answers? So you said rubber, rubber eraser. You said boots and you said ball, which is Eli's thing.

But there are two more answers on the card. Oh, I know one of them. Oh, God. Here's a clue. What the fuck are you doing? He's rolling a... Oh, it's a tyre. Yeah. And that's the top answer.

Ding, ding, ding, 67 and that's the top answer ding ding ding 67 what is the final answer so there's one more on the board and you've got three strikes so what you're looking for is the second

top answer here now so it's the most popular after tyre tyre ball boots and shoes rubber eraser

talking of 10cc Paul she's thinking shut it fucking hell alright Mike Nazi Mike Nazi is a great DJ 10cc, Paul. She's thinking, shut it. Fucking hell. Alright. Mike Nazi. Mike Nazi is a great DJ. Mike Nazi.

And now let's see who's storming to the front of the chart this week. Mate, it's a movie. In Third Reich position. And the final solution is... Anyway. Oh, she split it.

Yeah. She split her kex. There is an enormous hole near my vagina. In my jeans. I hope so. In my jeans. Fuck's sake.

This is what happens when I hang out with you guys. Black jeans have style now, isn't it? To have all... Is it water? Not there.

Right. You put a few more slits down there. I can't believe I just flushed the Eli's. We're all seeing too much today. Right. You put a few more slits down there. I just flashed that, Eli. We're all seeing too much today. Right, come on. Final answer.

What do you think? Oh, I don't know. Tire, ball, boots, rubber eraser. What else is the next one? Like, rubber cork. Rubber cork? Yeah.

No, two more strikes. Eli, get thinking because you may be able to steal. I'm thinking. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Yeah, but then that's like, name me a rubbery thing. Congratulations, that's all the points. Come on, one last one. One of those squids.

Not squids. Come on. One of those squids you throw at the wall. It's quite a common answer, this. They're made of rubber? I'm going to give you 15 more seconds, and then I'm going to strike you out. The eel I get thinking.

A dildo. A dildo. I have some guesses, Paul. Let me just think. Stop. I'm sorry to interrupt. You do get rubber dildos. You do, but where in a kid's family board game do you think dildo was going to be the second top answer?

She's just like, condom, dildo, menstruation. Stick an orange up your chuff. What's going on with her? I can't believe it. I was trying to be on my best behaviour. I was going to recommend her channel, but obviously now it's just pure filth. Roland's ropes of jism. Oh, God.

Right. Come on. It's me. Yeah, go on. Rub a bullet. Rub a bullet? It's me. Yeah, go on. Rubber bullet. Rubber bullet. You're wrong. So Octavius gets the points in that round.

I only get one guess. What? Really? Yeah. That's bullshit. Yeah, I know, but that's the rules. This keeps happening to me, man. He gets one guess.

I'm getting dominated. Six. So that's 73, 74. So 74. And Eli's only got 11 points. Ah. Right. What was the answer?

Next one. Second most. Rubber band. Ah. That's... Yeah. Right. So third round, right?

Here we go. Third round. But this is double points now. So whatever you get, gets doubled at the end of the round. Okay. So this could be a chance for you to come back, Eli. Hands on buzzers. Third round. Here we doubled at the end of the round. So this could be a chance for you to come back, Eli. Hands on buzzers. Third round. Here we go. Are you ready? Yes.

We asked 100 people, name something parents hide from children. You're not allowed to say dildo. I mean, surely they do do that. Yes. That's not my answer. Stick it in the sock drawer.

Alcohol. It's in there. It's the bottom answer, so only six points there for that. But Eli, if you can give us a higher answer on the card, then you take control of the round. Christmas presents. Christmas presents. 17, second top answer.

There you go, Eli. 17, you're in control. Now, what do you want to do? Do you want to take control of the round, or do you want to do Do you want to take control Of the round Or do you want to Hand it over to Octavius I can't think of a single

Other thing they hide But What do you want to do I'm going to have to Hand it over I'm sorry Alright Okay

No pressure So there were four more Answers on the board So I want You've had presents Which is 17 points But something parents Hide from children

Right so Medication Bang Straight in there Top answer which is 17 points but something parents hide from children Right, so medication Bang, straight in there, top answer 57 So there we go Killie things like bleach and that What? It's not on here

So far we had what? We had alcohol and medicine and Eli said presents, so there are two more answers on the board So far we had what? We had alcohol and medicine. And Eli said presents. So there are two more answers on the board. The third and fourth most popular out of five. So you've got two more to get. Emotions. Emotions.

I like it. That's a troubling answer. But unfortunately... They do though, don't they? Yep. So two strikes, one more to go. What about this, Paul? What?

They hide siblings from each other. If they're the Fritzels. Fucking hell, Eli. This is your sister and she's had a child. From me. I'm sorry. Please stop. I'm trying to inject a bit of humour whilst...

Oh, so you inject humour by mentioning the Fritzl. It's one of the most tragic and desperately sad stories of modern times. Yeah. Right, come on. Two more answers. You've got one strike left. So, medicine, presents, alcohol. There are two more left on the board.

If I had kids, what would I... I mean, I'd hide stuff that I like away from them. So like video games, expensive items. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're on a good line of reasoning there. Yeah. So maybe like... Don't help her.

The best China, something like that. The best China? I don't want kids touching... Who's got best China? I certainly do. You don't want anyone touching your best China, Eli. No one's touching your china. No, they're fucking not.

No. Your little cum pop. Oh, Christ. Right, come on. Expect money. There you go. So, Eli, you have a chance to steal now. There are 57.

There are 63. So, that's 126 points available If you can get the one answer I want to say something like contraception or sanitary towels Okay But I'm not going to Okay Porn

Porn is a good answer But it's not on here So Octavius you win the round again So you've got 120 What did I say? Do you want me to do the maths?

I've done it, I've fucking done it I've been playing it in advance So At the end of that round Eli got 34 points for having 17 We doubled that At the end of that round Octavius gets 124.

Add to the 74 already, which makes that 789. 198 playing 45. 45. I've got a lot of ground to make up. So here's the final round. It's going to be a little bit different, this, right? What's going to happen is one of you is going to go out, just behind the door, and you're going to play one round on your own you've got to answer it and we'll see

how many points you can get overall okay here we go put those there i love this all right so who wants to go first i tell you what because eli's behind you can go second all right so i go out you just go out and go up the stairs a little bit so you can't hear what's going on so are you ready yeah sure good luck thank you so yeah i'm gonna read you five questions we're gonna do is give me the first answer that pops into your head okay right 60 seconds okay to get as many as you can down all right yeah here we go start the clock now one minute besides a birthday card name the kind of greeting card uh easter easter right. A sport for which you need a good swing. Baseball.

Okay, baseball. One of the ways new parents pick a name for their baby. The internet. Internet. Okay. A Shakespeare play. Romeo and Juliet. Okay, Romeo and Juliet.

Okay. And finally, something that's hard to wash off your hands. Yeah. Spunk. Yeah, go with that. Go with spunk. You're not going to do spunk. My brain isn't working.

Come on. I spent an hour with you and Eli. All I can think about is fucking spunk in a fucking mustard jar. You've got ten seconds to think of anything other than spunk. Spunk in a mustard jar. Spunk then. All right. Right, spunk then. Alright. Good. Excellent. Christ.

Time is up. Okay, let's bring in Eli. Bring in Eli. Do I need to go out? No. You've already done your answers. Just needed one of your answers. How did she do? She did alright, but I haven't done the scores yet, so... Alright, you ready, are you ready? Are you ready?

You've got 60 seconds. Ready? What are you doing? What is happening? You've got 60 seconds. Ready? Top answers. Ready.

Starting from now. Besides a birthday card, name a type of greeting card. Christmas. Okay. A sport for which you need a good swing Tennis One of the ways new parents Pick a name for their baby

A book A Shakespeare play Hamlet And finally Something that's hard to wash off your hands It's not spunk Something that's hard to wash off your hands. Grease. Grease. It's the word. Stop

the clock. So here's what's going to happen, right? Let's read out the answers. See how we go. So you've got 198, Octavius. Eli has 45. There's a chance you could win this. There's a chance. I know. Right.

Besides a birthday card, name a kind of greeting card. Octavius said Easter. Balls. It was not on there. Eli said Christmas. It's on there. Top answer. Top answer. 51.

Fucking hell. Right, here we go. Next one. A sport for which you need a good swing Octavius said baseball Our survey says What? I know

The answer was Eli said tennis 10 points 10 points Right One of the ways parents pick a baby's name Octavius said The internet

And this board game Was made before the internet So So no points there either Balls Eli said A book Book of names

38 points Fuck me So not the top answer But the second to top The top answer there was Relative's name I like pressing that Also the top answer, but the second to top. The top answer there was relative's name. I like pressing that. Also, the top answer for the last one was golf.

Good swing on the golf, yeah. Name a Shakespeare play. Octavius said Romeo and Juliet. Bing! 33 points. Top answer. So there you go. That isn't the top answer.

Oh, no, it was the top answer. Yes, it was. Eli said, what did you say, Hamlet? I was going to say Romeo and Juliet, but then I thought, I won't. Eli said Hamlet, 28 points there, third top answer.

Macbeth was in the middle at top. There we go. And finally, something that's hard to wash off your hands. Octavia said spunk. She said spunk. It's not.

Who's spunking on your hands if you can't wash that off? It's easy to wash it off anyway. It is. Or lick it off. Because you know what it does? It goes all jelly. Yeah, it does.

That's part of an evolutionary process. It does. It dries out and gets flaky. We should know what spunk does. I'm trying to mansplain spunk to you two. Don't mansplain spunk to me. No, it does because it's all liquid and it first comes out. And then it goes, because it's about trying to impregnate.

So it goes, and it goes all, and it goes gummy. God almighty, this fucking podcast. In order to stick to the egg. So 33, add 198 is what? 131. 131, so I got it right. Okay, so that's the score Eli you have to beat You've got 45

You said things you can't wash your hand off easily You said grease Top answer 45 points Fuck me Let's see you've got 51 And 10 so that's 61 Add 38 which is 61 plus 38

Is 99 Add 28 Add 38, which is... 61 plus 38 is... 99. 99. Add 28. 127. 127 or 131. So if this answer is more than five points, which it is, you've won.

Dries has 45 points. So Eli wins family fortunes right down to the wire. Wait, how is 198 plus 33, 131? 198 plus 33 is, oh, it's two. Oh, yeah, it's 231. Yeah, fuck off, I won. Oh, yeah, it's 231. And then 45, 56.

For God's sake, Paul, you and your maths. No, you got his hopes up. Let me check the maths. 17, yeah, yeah, no, you only his hopes up. Let me check the maths. One, seven. Yeah, yeah, no. You only got one, seven, two at the end of the day. And yeah, you got one hundred, two hundred and thirty-one. Paul, Paul.

So you, shut up! Shut up! So, do you want your prize? I thought I'd won then. I really did. I feel so sorry for Eli, because he thought he'd won. I never mind anything. No, I know, but fuck him. Close your eyes. Right. I'm going to give you because he thought he'd won. I never mind anything. No, I know, but fuck him. Close your eyes.

Right. I'm going to give you this present. Okay. Here we go. Put your hand out. If this is a cock, I'm going to get so angry. It's not.

It feels like a cock. Well. Well, then you felt some funny cocks in your time. What are you getting from it? Well, it feels very cocky. What is that? It's a big shit. Oh, is that?

I thought it was a sausage. No, it's a big, like, stress ball shit with googly eyes. I see. Well, thank you very much, Paul. I expect nothing less. My pleasure. Where did you get this crap from? Charity shop. Where did you get this crap from? Charity shop.

Where did you get that? Got that from Poundland, actually. It's got lumps in it. Right, well, on that bombshell. That's been Cheap Show for this week. Thank you so much, Octavius, for being on the show. Thank you. Octavius, for being on the show. Thank you. Octavius, where can they find you online if they want to know more about you or follow what you do?

Crying in a corner. Crying in a corner. I love it. Look at that. That is an odious thing, man. It's fucking horrendous. I know. It's a big stretched out shit.

This is the worst thing anyone has ever given me. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. It's got fucking eyes. It's a shit with eyes. Octavius, where can they follow you? Fucking do it. It's on their YouTube channel. And on Twitter. She's also on Bloody Digitizer with me and Biffo and Larry Bundy.

Are you going to be in the second season? Yeah, I think so. Well, maybe. Yeah, we'll see. If my psychiatrist says I can. I'm interested. No, no, I meant like the traumatisation of Paul nearly dying of prawns.

It was a tough shoot. Larry's arse. I got quite close to it. It was the apocalypse now of retro gaming TV shows. It was quite, yeah, it's going to be better. It'll be better.

Right, that's it. Thank you very much, Octavius. Hopefully we'll have you back. Who fucking knows? But if you want to follow us on Cheap Show, great. I am at Paul Gannon Show. The podcast is at The Cheap Show Pod. Eli is...

Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D, on Twitter. Pictures and videos will accompany this episode on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. There's Tumblr, there's Facebook, there's Instagram. Look for Cheap Show on there. You'll find us, thecheapshow.co.uk, this Tumblr, this Facebook, this Instagram. Look for Cheap Show on there. You'll find us, Cheap Show Pod. And if you're a Patreon, thank you very much. Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show.

And there are lots of lovely stuff there. So thank you for keeping us going and keeping supporting us and allowing us to make it weekly. That's it for this week of Cheap Show. Any final thoughts? Thank you very much for this experience. No, it's our pleasure. I'll be sending you

the bill for my psychologist. Well, I'll be sending you this pot in the potion. I don't want the cum pot! It will be full of lovely lashings of pure Ganon. Essence of Ganon's balls. I just had an idea

for a novelty item. Yeah? Cum quat, cum pot. The fuck are we like? of Ganon's balls. I just had an idea for a novelty item. Yeah? Kumquat kumpot. Fuck off, Eli. That's fine. Just because the word kum sounds like that. Maybe we could zip up

kumpquat. That's enough of the show. That's enough of Cheap Show. Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. Bye. you