CheapShow - Ep 119: Bone Hoover

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

We were warned there were more stories to tell. We knew it wasn't over. We were promised something more bizarre than The Brookeside Tiger... and we think we got it, whether we like it or not! With thanks to @VGBasementUK we've got another delightful/terrifying tale from the mind of "Derek" and this one, for reasons you will soon find out, we've called "The Bone Hoover". Elsewhere in CheapShowVille, we take on the 3rd most popular "packaged crisps" in the UK: McCoys and we wrap the segment up with a extra fiery finale. Along the way, discover new "committees" forming within CSHQ, find out what made Paul nearly barf and gasp as we learn the truth behind Mr. Benn. Get comfy, this is a long one! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-119-bone-hoover If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

So, don't look at me like that. So, don't look at me like that. Like what? As if, uh. I've got nothing going on. Good. I just wanted to say. I'll just do it then.

I just wanted to, I don't know, I was about to say, let's begin. What's our angle in? What's our angle in? I want to do the intro. Why do you want to do it? You've underperformed. The committee's back. Hang on, what fucking committee?

The Judgment Committee. All right, who's on the Judgment Committee? I want to know the panel of my peers. I need to impress. Okay, so firstly, number one member. Is this where you go for all your fucking characters now? No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

Go on. That's a different issue. All right. Biscuits versus Brandoff is a different issue, yeah? Mm-hmm. Which, you know, we all know. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. This is the economy comedy podcast for your ears.

Yeah! Where we go for the bargain bins, the charity shops, and the pound lands. Oh, no! Jumbo sales, oh, no! I don't believe I asked for your input on this intro. Well, that's what I was going to say. You didn't let me. What the judgment committee had said.

All right, take it. You didn't even listen. Oh oh it was tired before it started it was tired before it started it was a tired idea ah it's a time maybe maybe maybe that the committee is tired paul do you know why they're tired they're tired of you that you exhaust them this is the judgment committee who is it doesn't matter who it is it's no one Just know this It's you And your collection of dirty underpants Just know this Paul

You make little sock puppets out of your grotty little undercarriage And they have conversations with each other Yeah they do And they have platonic Your shitty committee It's Cheap Show everybody Hello welcome to Cheap Show Good

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles right it's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset noodle time

tales from a dance floor How's the big guy? The fight of the Shite! This is for Gunannon saying hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Go on, Paul. Source update.

Source trough update. It's not a segment. It's not a segment if you give it a jingle. It's just not. It's not automatically a jingle. Listen, everything's a segment. It's not a segment if you give it a jingle. It's just not. It's not automatically a jingle. Listen, everything's a segment. No. That's how I live my life. It's a way of life.

Right. Everything's a segment. I'm done with this recording. Stop. No, don't stop. Look, there's stuff in the sauce. I'm going to stand up now and get some sauce items out. Yep.

Do you want to make some more noise while you're at it, you clumbering big fat bastard? Right, clumbering. That's good, actually. The committee approves. Oh, the committee approves. Right. It's a segment. Quick question. Is Skitty Polity on your

shitty committee? No, because they're quite a well-respected pop art group. Are they? Yes. Good. They'd be on no one's shitty committee. Okay. That's not what it's called.

Oh, it is. Do you know what? I wish I'd shaved my mouth. Your mouth? Because the moustache has got to that extent where it's all curling in like spider's legs into my... Four minutes in. Into my mouth into my... Four minutes in. Into my mouth.

What? Four minutes in and you've gone off about your sauces and your hairy mouth. I haven't gone off about my sauces. You haven't allowed me.

They're here. Here cometh the sauce segment. Here come the sauce. Just honorable mention. Two times the barbecue. You got the McDonald's. I hate this is not a segment.

I'm not allowing this to be a segment on this fucking podcast. You don't have to allow it. Right. Just grin and bear it. Take it as I pound you with my sauce segment. God, what a fucking horrible thing to say. I'll pound my sauces on you. The sauce trough delivers.

Right. Barbecue dip. Yeah. That's a McDonald's one. Yeah. You have to pay extra for those. What do you think of that? I have no opinion on it.

This is a Heinz. This is a Heinz barbecue sauce. Now, if you saw that sauce packet from the back, Paul. Yeah. What would you say? Vinegar. It's not, though, is it? No, it's barbecue sauce.

Yeah, you kind of took away the surprise somewhat there. This is a new member of the sauce department. This is not a segment. What have I got there, Paul? Ginger. It's ginger. It's that kind of ginger you get with sushi

to clean the palate. Like pickled ginger. Pickled ginger. That comes in a sachet. I've recently found out Stuart Ashton doesn't like it. Doesn't he? He reviewed it on his recent channel.

Just by itself, some pickled ginger. Yeah, in a bag. He had other stuff as well, but that was a smirk. It was like he did a whole video on pickled ginger. I wouldn't just eat it by itself, some pickled ginger. Yeah, in a bag. He had other stuff as well, but that was a smoke. It was like he did a whole video on pickled ginger. I wouldn't just eat it by itself,

but as a palate cleanser between courses in a Japanese meal. Very good. Do you know, this, and I'm going to say it again, is not a segment.

Okay. Here's the star of this non-segment. Right. Fucking Tabasco in a sachet, mate. Branded Tabasco in a sachet, mate. Branded Tabasco in a sachet. Have you seen that?

What if they make everything better? It does. So if you poured it over your life, would it make it better? I do. I do do that. Hey, if I put it in my meters, would it make it better?

What about Tabasco poultice? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tabasco poultice. Well, you'd need some kind of jellifying agent to suspend the, you know, it needs a bit more solidity

as a poultice. You can't have a liquid poultice. That's just a liquid. I'm sorry if that idea was ridiculous to you. That's a pancake. It's not a pancake. Is your quote unquote segment over? No.

Look, I want, the committee demands. Don't look, I want the committee demands Don't bring in the committee. It demands some kind of reaction about Look at that, it's a beautiful thing. Here's my reaction. He's just done a sort of thing with his mouth. So, it's a Tabasco and it has

the iconic Tabasco bottle in a lovely, pleasing graphic representation on this sachet. And it's Tabasco bottle in a lovely, pleasing graphic representation on this sachet. And it's Tabasco and I got it at Pret-a-Manger. So, things are getting better in the world. When Tabasco's

available in sachets in our country of Britain, Paul, things ain't that bad. There'll be a photo of that on the website, everybody. www.cheap.com. I'm fucking not going to put a picture of that on the website. Why not? Because the Gannon committee won't allow it when it comes to... Why are you so mean?

Because the Gannon committee's... What's it off? What's it? There's no sweat off your fanny, is it? My committee is in charge of social media

and I've got to control the message. There's no fluff off your crack. It's a lot of fluff on my crack. Yeah, well, roll it off. My crack is fluff-tastic.

Get one of those mini hair rollers and use that to get the fluff out of your crack. Oh, one of those sticky paper things. The linen rollers. They could be adapted, that idea, for wanganuts. For Klingons?

Yeah. Do you have a hairy arse and lots of dangling pieces of shit from it? Wanganut away. Wang away. Wang away. Wang away. Wang away. It's an abrasive, sticky roller that you literally get inside both cheeks with.

Win it. Give it or win it's be gone. Wang away or win it's be gone. Well, you can win it today by entering our competition. If you want your own Wang away, just answer this question. How many ducks do I have in my... Come on. How many ducks do I have in my imaginary staircase?

Well, here we go. If you think you know the answer, get in touch with Cheap Show HQ London. Thank you. So, Paul, what have we got coming off on the show today? Today we've got a trip to the League of Snacks. Uh-huh. Now, that's serious. Now, we have been joking. We've been messing

around. Have we? There's been a bit of messing around at the top of the show. You know? It was the whole sort of you pretending that a segment that is a real thing isn't a real thing. But when it comes to the leak of... Sorry, I'm just talking to my committee. Yeah, it's not a thing. You don't have a committee.

You don't have a committee. It's not my committee. The judgment panel... It's like when you say death panel The judgement panel And I'm totally independent of the judgement panel Well then good I'm actually in my committee Fully involved in the process

And so therefore I get to say to you There was no picture of Tabasco On our website Nor will there now ever be There picture of Tabasco on our website. Why? Nor will there now ever be. Why? There is a Tabasco-wide ban going on in Cheap Show. As of now,

because of your fucking behaviour. Listen, I was just trying to I was trying to be nice. If you can't regulate yourself, I have to regulate for you. I was fucking trying to be nice. Yeah?

But if it has to come down to this, I'm going to have to state something right now, Paul. Oh, go on. Everybody loves the sauce's trough and the sauce. People want to know about my sauce life. You know what? It's part of this show. It will always be part of this show.

You know what? Right now, I'm going to put a tweet out, right? I know this isn't live and all this kind of stuff, but I'm going to put a tweet out, right? And I'm going to put a tweet out that says, it's got a little poll and all this kind of stuff, but I'm going to put a tweet out, right? And I'm going to put a tweet out that says, it's got a little poll on, right? So let me just put it together. A little poll on.

Do you care about Eli's? Oh, hang on. Let me. The content. Not new. Listen. I'm in charge of social media. I'm in charge of social media.

You're asking the wrong question. You're going to bias the answer with the question. Do you care about Eli Snowde's sauce trough? Not care. It's not care. Have you got an interest in sauce? So yes, no, that's it. Alright, I'm going to start the poll now, okay?

So throughout the show, I'll check in on this poll and see what people think, alright? And by the end of this recording, even if we just get one vote, even if we just get one vote, even if you just get one vote, then, yeah, we'll find out if people care about

your fucking source trough. And then the committee will act upon the data. Okay? My committee will act upon this data. And then I'll take it to the presence of Cheap Show.

If you don't put the photos on the main website, my Twitter will have the photos. Best believe that. Oh, great. On your Instagram. Not Instagram. Why not? Because it's... What,. Best believe that. Oh, great. On your Instagram? Not Instagram. Why not?

Because it's... What, for your brutalism? It's sacred. It's for your dirty corners of London where you like to fucking masturbate. It's a sacred place. It's not a sacred place. Right, here we go.

People are already retweeting it and so far... One person says yeah. You are... Well, it's going to be up there for another day. So we won't know the full answer Until this time tomorrow

Fine Alright But for now The jury's out Okay Alright If you want to do this And this is a referendum

If you want to Resort to To basket Populist tactics To brax Exit Isn't that a Santana album? Brex Asco

That is a Santana album Is it? Well there you go A Braxus So we will act on this If you If the listening public Want there to be a

Source trough section There will be You're the one who said it It wasn't a segment I didn't insist it wasn't a segment You said I said it was news I said it's

Source report Is what I said Can we have reports? What's the difference Between a report and a segment? Exactly You haven't thought this referendum through You haven't thought about the wording

You're opening a Pandora's box What's up? Later in the show We've got leader snacks We'll get into that a bit later And then Oh The finale of today's episode

Thanks to Video Games Basement We have a second story From Derek Uncle Derek And all I know Because I've not listened to it yet All I know is it's called episode thanks to video games basement we have a second story from derrick uncle derrick and all i know because i've not listened to it yet all i know is it's called the time i bought an egyptian carpet now as we discussed earlier it's loaded paul uh there's a certain things judging by the first story that we received there's a couple of things that come to mind because let's be honest when the story of like the tiger at woodside came to me, I thought... Brookside. Brookside, sorry.

I was like, interested. Nor in my imagination did I ever think it would go to the realms of old man masturbating and scaring a lady tiger to death. So, it's one of those things that you couldn't have... You just couldn't. You had an infinite room of monkeys on BBC computers, do you know what I mean? Yeah. But quite apart from the uh sanitation issue there yeah they probably would never come up with that as a storyline so uh can

i just say yeah two things leap to mind let's have what's that what it's called again the time i bought an egyptian carpet now judging by the his whole attitude in the first story and his sort of subtextual desires and sort of things that poked out, I'd say this will have some classic World War II era racism about people from the Middle East. So all Ali Baba's camel, all that kind of stuff. What they call it, Orientalism was like the movement. It was an Egyptian sort of,

not a Victorian movement, where they like. From the empire days, kind of. Yeah. They bring back the art, from places like China, and.

Yeah. The Arab world, and then they'd, like when Elvis, what Elvis did to rock. Well, that's why they call it China, isn't it?

That's why they call China, China. Why? Because it came from China. Porcelain came from China. This isn't interesting. Okay. Shut up. interesting okay so there's gonna be some casual racism or sort of ingrained societal sort of racism i reckon but also egypt yeah the sphinx yeah the sphinx what is the what is the sphinx it's got the body of a cat and it has lady's breasts though doesn't it and a lady's face and

a lady's face oh he's gonna be in muck chuck in heaven he's gonna be there'll be something about the body of a cat and it has ladies breasts and a ladies face and a ladies face oh he's going to be in muck chuck in heaven he's going to be there'll be something about how he wants to fuck a sphinx I reckon there's

going to be a magic carpet sorry fuck a sphinx there'll be like something in the rug like a genie or there'll be it'll be like a magic carpet and he'll go

and then I flew over the young girls training camp and saw them all doing squats. So that's coming up on the show. So we don't know. I don't know what's going to be about. I think we will be able to detect a hint of being attracted to the feline.

I think that's the subtext here. Fingers crossed. He likes pussy. And not just, you know. Not normal, not ladies pussy, Paul. No, that's the opposite. When he says he likes pussy, he actually likes cats. Do you know what I mean? He wants to fuck a cat.

He wants to fuck a cat is what I'm trying to tell you. Let's start the show. Source report. Let's start the show. There's no love at all. the show league of snacks I forgot what I'll see which music is for that I forgot what I'll see which music is for that.

Do that. That's good. Yeah? What is that music? The committee says yes. What is that music? It's Mastermind. Yeah, okay.

Well, now it's League of Snacks theme. League of Snacks. And Crisp. Good. Welcome to League of Snacks. And crisps. And crisps. Good. Welcome to League of the League. The League. Of snacks.

And not Rhett and Link's snack fight down. What do they call it? I don't. Isn't that a nick from Brand Off Brand? No, that's the knock-off. Knock-on knock-off. Oh, they do another thing where they taste crisps and legalise them. No. What do you mean legalise them?

Legalise it? Crisps. Well, you know what they should fucking legalise, Paul? What? As we all both know. Cheese moments. Bring back cheese moments. Well, the ongoing mission of cheese moments.

We're here. We're in our bunker. And we're ready for cheese moments to make a return to the crisps and snacks scene of this country. We're here. We're in our bunker. And we're ready for cheese moments to make a return to the Christmas snack scene of this country. We're here. We're goo-yeah. What? We're here. We're goo-yeah.

We don't like no cheesy moments. Yeah, God. Paul. Fight the system. That was bad. Oh, how bad? Pretty bad. Yeah, amusing because it was so bad.

All right. Yes. I'll bring back 30 votes. Let's do all of them. How would you get a grizzly out of a cave? What kind of cheese do you use? I don't know. Come on, Bert.

That's fucking excellent. How have I never heard that? How have you not heard that before? Oh, mate, that's really tickled me. I'm not even laughing, but I can... What did the cheese say in the mirror? Come on, bear. No.

Hello, me. Oh, that's not as good. Oh. So far, the poll says in 30 votes, 87% say yes, 13% say no. Okay. 87% say yes. 13% say no. Okay.

And through a democratic process, Paul, a new segment is born on Cheap Show today. Source report. Before the end of the episode, mate. And once the full tally's in, that's when I'll make a proper decision on this referendum. Okay. All right?

Yeah. Calm down. You've gotten out the gates early. I'll give you... Don't. You fucking... Source report. League of Snacks time. League of Snacks.

Where we go through the branded crisps and we see how they rank on our scale of crisps. Yes, and snacks. What are the categories again? The categories you have. Flavour. The flavour of the snack. Which is a very important aspect in the crisp world today.

And then, what's the next most important thing, Paul? It's texture. Texture. I mean, it's crisp. A crisp... Needs to be crisp. And in fact, the name of a crisp, if you think about it, refers almost entirely to its texture.

They're not called a salty, are they? They're not called a salty... Oh, I'll have a bag of softs, please. I want a bag of wets. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Some people do ask for that. Yeah, I'll have a bag of wets.

I'll have a bag of wet and slimy. Come on, darling. I'll give you five pound for a bag of wets. Oh. What's that? Don't know. Piss panties. Just fucking smear it in my mouth.

Don't care what it is, love. But for five, I want it in my mouth. Don't care what it is, love, but for five, I want it in my mouth. Oh, fucking hell. Flavour, texture, what else? Price, value for money. Yep, value for money, which is sort of important, but the hardest one for us to really make

an actual scientific judgement about, Paul. But we don't do the research. No. We don't do the research. And then nostalgia is our fourth. Nostalgia, very important. Also very contentious. Very subjective, yes. But ultimately, this is our

show, our league, and we've come up with these. And our committees have both spoken. And the cultural impact of a crisp is a very important factor in its ongoing success or not success of. Indeed. That is exactly right.

Thank you. So, shall we just crack on? Let's crack on. Crack open the crisps and we'll crack on. I think we've done some big names already on the show. I think we can all agree. We've done some of the... Monster Munch.

Quavers, Hula Hoops, Monster Munch. Pringles. Pringles. Today I thought we'd go for a brand that... KP Peanuts. We did peanuts this one. Yeah, we've done peanuts. You're going for a non-Walkers brand.

But still a popular and well-known brand. So I have gone today. Are you sure they're not made by Walkers? Let's have a look. Okay, well announce it. Announce the crisp. Ladies and gentlemen, we are trying today a range of crisps from the company McCoy's. Ah ha ha.

Now I think McCoy's are just a brand that are owned by KP. I'm having a look. Have a look at who makes them. I don't see it. It looks just like it says McCoy's. Right, what's that? Beef. You've got beef, and I've got KP snacks.

Oh, Eli knows his stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Did I know that? I did know that, yeah. Eli knows his stuff. Now, I think KP are not walkers, are they? They're not Frito-Lay. No. So you are right.

But didn't KP used to be Smiths? Didn't they used to be KP Smiths? No, because they used to have their own crisps. KP had like your classics, your cheese and onions, salt and vinegars. Yeah. They were actual crisps, if you don't... But they're most famous for nuts, aren't they? Yeah.

KP nuts, which we did. We did the KP. We've done dry roasted. I've got some there near the sauce trough. Half eaten. What, the sauce trough? I've got some, I've got nuts in the house. So.

You've got nuts in the house, yo. McCoy's. Now, but let's have some opening impressions, Paul. Mmm, Betty. What? Come on. No, I mean, that makes me laugh,? Come on. No, I mean, that makes me laugh, but come on. You've got to think of the demographics, mate.

I do. And I don't care. You've got to remember, this is our show. All right. I'm just going to look at McCoy's on Wikipedia to do some background research. McCoy's is a brand of crinkle-cut crisps made in the United Kingdom by KP Snacks. First introduced in 1985. 1985, I was going to ask.

That's a very important thing. And it's marketed under the slogan, The Real McCoys Accept No Imitations. Man crisps, they were called at first. Back in the days when you could do that. Remember Yorkie? Girls can't eat this! I don't think they really thought that, was it?

They can still do that, can't they? But didn't they have a... They've had campaigns just a few years back, Yorkie, where they sort of did it as if ironically. Do you know what I mean? I think it was ironic. They did it as a joke. Yeah, but...

No, but no. Products were marketed straight at a gender unironically back in 85, weren't they? Like perfume and washing up liquid was always sold to women and men got brute. Yeah, but there was also like the lady loves cream tray. The lady loves a creamy tray. Milk tray. Big cream after

I'm done with it. So you're going to like dress up in black break into a woman's bedroom and leave a big tray of your spunk on your bedside table with your phone number

on a card. Because the lady loves cold spunk. She does though, Paul. No, she doesn't. Unless you know one specific woman who does. Can you imagine me trying to do the ninja? Climbing up outside someone's building

up a drainpipe with a tray of spunk. Sorry, I spilt it down your fucking gutter. McCoy's is the third biggest brand in the bag crisp market, with five million packets consumed each week and nearly a third of all UK households consuming the product. So there you go. What's the second biggest brand then? Well, unfortunately, it doesn't say here.

Well, so you'd think the first... Walkers. We are at a loss. It might be Pringles. Read that sentence again when he says it. I think it's bagged. He says bagged products. They're chewed.

The third biggest brand in the bagged crisp market. Yeah, no. Well, who make Monster Munch? Smiths. No, Walkers. No, Walkers now. But Smiths is still distinguished as a brand, isn't it? Oh, look at this.

In 2013, McCoy's unveiled a packaging concept in which the crisp bag is opened along the longer side to allow bigger hands to fit in. Men's hands. Men's hands. You've got to get it wider. So there's all kinds of different flavours. Is that true?

Is that what you're going to do these days? No, then they should change back. Oh, I don't know. Maybe they change back. Maybe I just haven't learned the process. But yeah, there you go. That's McCoy's. So we've got two of their most popular flavours.

Flame grilled steak and salt and vinegar to try today um they did have cheesy cheese flavor but I just I couldn't onion because we do have they do the classic ones they do all of the classic ones and I think at the time in the mid-80s it's a sort of Americanized uh branding yeah didn't you say yeah no McCoy's is a very sort of American, like, down-homey sort of thing. And I think... Rustic and earthy and like a lumberjack would eat it.

Yeah, exactly. That kind of thing. It sounds like a lumberjack's name. And I think at the time, you didn't really get Ridged Crisps. No. In our fair isle. And I think they were sort of trying to sell it

as an exotic Americicana a little kind of product well 85 came in and all of a sudden snacks were becoming slightly more serious slightly more uh i don't know like i don't know what don't say classy but you know what i mean like they start chris started becoming more adventurous it wasn't just cheese and beef and whatever it was all kind of cheese and chive and all those kind of flavours started coming in to kind of adult. Was that mid-80s? Wasn't mid-80s just you still had Golden Wonder

back in the mid-80s? Yeah, but I'm saying it began there, didn't it? It began with things like McCoy's, I guess. Here we go. Let's just open them up. Let's just get in there

at the same time. We'll crack through this. I'm going to open the bag of salt and vinegar. What have you got? I've got the flame-grilled steak. Right, so I'm going to shake it off and get a hoof.

And they kind of go for macho where they can. They go for a macho flavour. Salt and vinegar is kind of a... It's hoof time. Oh, it's a nice tart, vinegary hoof. That's a good hoof. That is a good... That's a good salt and vinegar hoof.

That's a comforting salt and vinegar hoof. You know what I mean? It's not too sharp. A bit like opening a bag of chips from the chippy. It's got a nice potatoey undercurrent. Right, open yours. Again, Eli is testing today the flame grilled, what is it, beef steak. Oh, what's wrong?

It's very guffy. Is it very guffy? It's got a guffy half, Paul. Nice. Oh, very beefy. Beefy guff. It feels like when you've just walked into a room someone's farted Paul. Nice. Oh. Very beefy. Beefy guff. It feels like when you've just walked into a room someone's farted in. Yes.

And they've left since. Someone you love. Yeah. And it lingers. Because if you didn't love them, do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? If you didn't love them, they wouldn't smell good. So let's just dive right in.

I'm going to take the vinegar and you're going to take the beef. And now we swap. I'm going to take the vinegar and you're going to take the beef. And now we swap. I'm going to have a palate cleanser. Oh, I'm not doing such a thing. I'm just going to dive straight in. Don't touch your chilli. No, not your ginger. I might have the ginger.

Just drink your drink. I'm having ginger as a palate cleanser. I know. Noreng on it like a fucking rabbit. Now that really does cleanse the palate, Paul. Right, good Nor am I like a fucking rabbit. Now, that really does cleanse the palate, Paul. Right, good. Now I'll have some salt and vinegar.

Christ, he's rushing me through the segments today, ladies and gentlemen. Well, we've got a lot to get through. How fucking old are you going to listen to these 20-odd minutes? We're going to be stopping

and start on it. Let's start with flavour. Where do you want to go? Let's start with salt and vinegar as it's fresh in your mouth. But we're going to have to do them both, aren't we? Yeah.

Well, the salt and vinegar is a better flavour in your mouth. But we're going to have to do them both, aren't we? Yeah. But I'm just, you know, I'm just... Well, the salt and vinegar's a better flavour than the beef. The beef has a very generic sort of artificial beef flavour to me.

And it doesn't linger too much. It's kind of in your mouth and then it's gone. You would have preferred more length on the beef. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

I wanted to have the beef in my mouth for longer before it disappeared, you know? Yeah. I agree to have the beef in my mouth for longer before it disappeared. Yeah, I agree. It's a bit flimsy. Yeah, so not... But did you agree that the beef also has that sort of generic artificial beef sort of flavour to it? It's not overpowering because it's gone very quickly.

Well, it felt more bacon-y. Do you agree? It's got a bit of bacon almost to it. Have a try again. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not awful. No. But I think compared, the salt and vinegar is much stronger. Very acute flavour.

Very tart. Yeah. And sometimes I can be off-putting to have salt and vinegar. Sometimes it's a really sharp, tangy taste. But this one, do you know what I'm going to say, Paul? I think it's the texture that helps because the texture delivers that, the sharpness of the salt and vinegar first. Then as it mulches down,

it sort of softens it. Do you see what I mean? The actual potato comes through because it mulches down in your mouth. And it softens the tang. Which is a good effect. Do you see what I mean? Whereas with the bacon...

So there's a journey. There's a flavour journey in your mouth is what we're saying. Yeah. With bacon... So there's a journey. There's a flavour journey in your mouth, is what we're saying. Yeah. With that, with the salt and vinegar, there is a flavour journey in your mouth that is unique to the product. At hand. Yeah. I like it.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, because crinkle cut are meant to, or ridge cut to be fair, are meant to hold the flavour because there's more surface. More surface area to hold flavour. I guess. They deliver it in a different way to your tongue. Yeah. I mean, this can't be this.

You know, and I know, that gravity affects how a sandwich tastes. Oh, this fucking shit. You know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean about gravity affecting sandwiches. Well, I'll explain. Imagine you have a sandwich, yeah? Put some butter on. Put a slice of ham on.

Put some mustard on top of that. Put some lettuce on top of that. Take a bite. Imagine that. Now, imagine turning that upside down. What's hitting your tongue first now? The lettuce. That's not gravity, is it?

It's orientation of the snack. Orientation in the context of the gravity well that we live within. The earth. You're talking fucking... Top and bottom only makes sense. With your creamy tray. Right. So that's what I'm saying.

Texture affects the deliverance of flavour. Right. So let's just get a score. We need some scores. Ten out of ten. So salt and vinegar. I'm going to go... 8.

I think it should be higher than that. Really? It's a very tasty crisp. All right. So, where would you go with it? 8.5. All right. I can do 8.5.

Beef, though, I'm feeling... I'll go 7 at the most. I was going to say 6. Yeah, 6.5. I thought 6 was quite weak. 6.5. 6.5. Texture.

I like the crunch. They've both got a great crunch. Well, that is the quite weak. 6.5. 6.5. Texture. I like the crunch. They've both got a great crunch. Well, that is the whole thing. Yeah. Their whole marketing is based on the sort of ruggedness. The rough outdoor ruggedness. The bravery. It's hard.

It's got more. It's more of a meal. It's not just a flimsy crisp. It's not your stupid, wanky. No. It's someone putting their beef in my mouth and having a good old fight inside. That's what it's all about. It's got a woodiness. It's got a nice bit of wood. It's someone putting their beef in my mouth and having a good old fight inside. That's what it's all about. It's got a woodiness. It's got a nice bit of

wood. It's got a barkiness, like I'm a big wolf man in the woods, eating bark. Oh, I've got nettles at me patsy. Up your jacksy. Take that bit out. You won't, will you? That laugh says you won't. Right, what's your texture?

Both get the same for this. I'm going to say nine. Does what it says on the tin. It's a good texture. And it's a great crunch. It's the texture they've built an empire on. And quite rightly, too. You know?

Yeah. Value for money. Now, these are single packs. But these say... 90p, they were. 47.5 grams. Does that sound like quite high gramage to you for a pack of that size?

It is a grab bag, which is slightly bigger than your classic. A little bit. And again, sold in sandwich deals as well, meal deals. But is a packet of Monster Munch, that's not 47. Well, I don't know.

It was something like 30 grams, isn't it? But it's less. I don't know. I think they're good value for money. 90p, yeah. I think people think of them as more, you know when people think, oh, I'm going to get a sandwich

and a packet of crisps for lunch. Yeah. It doesn't feel like a real meal. I think psychologically, they think that's going to be more fulfilling. McCoy's. Right. Don't they? I guess. I think that's going to be more fulfilling. McCoy's. Right. Don't they?

I guess. I think that. So what are we going to go for value for money? Eight? Okay. 7.5? 7.5. 7.5.

Because they're still a little bit costly, but yeah, grab bag. And then nostalgia. Well. Ah. Ah. Isn't it? I don't like their whole marketing campaign.

I'm not a huge fan of it. And it seems very anachronistic these days, doesn't it? I don't like their whole marketing campaign. I'm not a huge fan of it. And it seems very anachronistic these days, doesn't it? A little bit. With the whole outdoorsman sort of, you know? Well, yeah, but I kind of... The macho-ness, it seems a bit... It suffers from a bit what Yorkie suffers from, where it's kind of had to lose that edge it had

by being the rugged snack. And actually now it's just wallpaper with all the other snacks and treats out there. But it has become a fixture, hasn't it? Yeah. Packet of McCoys, people say, I'll have a packet of McCoys. But to me... You know what they mean? Yeah.

You know what they're saying? No, what are they saying? They're saying I'll have a packet of McCoys. What does that mean? It just means get some McCoys. Are you saying they're like a lumberjack? They've got a stripy shirt on. Yeah. I mean a checkered shirt, like you. Oh, I should be eating McCoys. Are you saying they're like a lumberjack? They've got a stripy shirt on. I mean a checkered shirt, like you.

Oh, I should be eating McCoys. I'm a man. They didn't really... Love it. Sorry? I love it, being a man. Oh, sometimes dead is better. I love that. Anyway, nostalgia, what are we going to say? I'm going to say

six. It's lasted, but it doesn't hold any particular Anyway, nostalgia, what are we going to say? I'm going to say, like, six? It's lasted, but it doesn't hold any particular memory for me. No, not in the way. It's a bit nebulous. Who's got the strongest nostalgia? Monster Munch. Yeah. Easily. You can imagine the monsters.

I think about putting packets of crisps in the oven to get those little badges. Yeah, little shrinky dink things. Which you could do with McCoy's. No one does that, do they? No. They don't do that, do they? Well, they do on Etsy. You see loads of things like that on Etsy with McCoy's. No one does that, do they? No. They don't do that, do they? Well, they do on Etsy. You see loads of things like that on Etsy.

McCoy's is no one's sort of favourite snack. It's generational. So maybe it's hard for us to comment when people younger than us might not have that association with like Wotsits or Quavers. But I still think it's the B&Q of snacks. Yeah, it's very wallpaper. You're right, very vanilla. Although they don't do that flavour.

I would say six. And also, it's a fake Americana. Yeah. But they also say it's a Scottish thing. Yeah. I think it reminds you of big, rugged Canadians having a nice wrestle behind a tree. Right. So, six, I'm saying.

Where do you think? Lower? Higher? Marvellous. Six is fine. I think six is fine. All right. So, let's tally these up. So, we have

nine, ten... You do the math. Oh, bloody hell. On those two. It's just because your brain's faster with maths and I don't do numbers. Come on, Grandad! Okay. Yeah, give me the scores. The results are in, Paul. Salt and vinegar have scored very well. Okay. Well, they me the scores. The results are in, Paul. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Salt and vinegar have scored very well. Okay. Well, they're a very good crisp, I'd say. Yeah. And they're on 31. Excellent. That's great news. 31 for the... That's not too bad.

It's pretty good. Yeah. It's pretty good. And beef flavour, 29. Excellent. There are other flavours of McCoy available. Yeah, and we'll get to them in time. I do like their

cheese and onion. I think they do well with the classic flavours. Not too funny with the... But they also are a brand that have been

messing around with extra new ones over the years. They dabble with all sorts. Paprika. Paprika. Well, talking about

dabbling, we're going to just step just outside the league to maybe talk about a kind of like, I don't know, what do we call snacks that we try just step just outside the league to maybe talk about kind of like, I don't know, what do we call snacks that we try but are just outside the league that aren't really allowed in, that we don't really rate them. They're just a bit of fun. For your consideration.

I like that. Okay. For your crispiration. So we were told about these on the internet. Yeah. People let us know about these. Oh, they're super hot. You want to try them on the show. Paul, I've got a little prediction. Yeah. People, let us know about these. Oh, they're super hot. You want to try them on the show.

Paul, I've got a little prediction. Yeah. Are they hot? Are they fuck? Well, they both have three... I'll rub them on my bum. Extra hot. Oh, yeah.

Extra hot. That's what it says. So, anyway, long story short, we were given... Well, not given. Not given. Oh, God. I bought packets of Walker's Max.

God, I've got wind. I'm just going to clear my palate. Walker's Max are their kind of extreme flavour brand. And the two flavours I've got here are apparently perfect with beer and are wasabi flavour and jalapeno and cheese. Extra hot. Both three fiery signals out of three. But they are different forms of hotness, as we both have discovered.

What's that scale that they test hot sauces on? Scoville. But wasabi doesn't go on those. Philip Scoville gets to say how things are hot. Philip Scofield, the cuddly presenter. No. No, not that. What's the style of Jason and his technicoloured swap shop?

No. Scoville. Scofield? Philip Scofield? No. Scoville. Scofield? Philip Scofield? Not Philip Scofield. Oh, what does Philip Scofield know? Paul, just on a point of order here about different types of heat. Yeah.

There are two main types of heat in the world of flavour heat. Right. Chilli. Yeah. Capiscum, what they call it. Okay. Which is measured by the scoville unit scale yeah and you have sulfur you have sulfur yeah basically sulfur heat okay wasabi mustard

horseradish oh okay mustard and horseradish which is it you can tell me from your own personal experience it's not the same experience in your mouth at all. No, it's almost like a meatier sharpness. Not meatier. You are. Umami-ish. It's more umami on the side of hot because it's got texture and ruggedness and grit. No, no, no. Ah, fuck off.

I tried. I'll explain it to you. Mustard. Aye. I know you don't care. I don't care. Mustard and horseradish that type of sulphur based heat

it if you have too much and you go it's in your nose think about it oh yeah it does that feeling is in your nose isn't it

you have that kind of chilli does that no it doesn't if you get chilli up your nose the chilli burns your mouth yeah but chilli no you put the wasabi put a spoonful of hot mustard

in your mouth no and you'll get a burning in your nose. Anyway, we're just going to test these. I want to explain that why. I'm going to explain why. That's because they've done experiments, Paul,

and the chili receptors are all on your tongue, whereas there's much more of the receptors that pick up sulfur heat in the nose. Philip Schofield. Next thing. So, we're going to try these out. Which one do you want to try first? Jalapeno and cheese or wasabi? I just want some respect, Paul.

I want some respect for the stuff I know. You're going to be waiting a while. Fucking give me the fuck. A long while before you get any R-E-S-P-E-C-T from me. You just listen. I'm going to win the segment. Take out ECT. What does that mean?

What does that leave her with? Spect. Risk. She doesn't say take out ECT. Who goes, take out ECT. Suck it to me, suck it to me, suck it to me, suck it. That one. What does she say? R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take out

ECT. Yeah, what does he say? He doesn't say that. What does she say? I will... Find out. I will find out. What do you want to start with? Jalapeno?

Or wasabi? Wasabi. There you go. Now, you will see. If these are hot, you'll feel it in your nose. I feel it in my nose. And these,

we're back again to the biggest crisp manufacturer on the planet. Walkers. Walkers. Or Lays. And again, it's a good comparison, Paul. Well done for producing this show today.

Mac Strong with beer. It's very much on the, shall we say, blokey side, isn't it? Just like McCoy's were. But they're selling it more like a pub snack. He's huffing. Strange. Why? Oh, he's shaking the bag.

Not much of a huff of end, much of a nose to talk there, Paul. Take a few of those out. All right. Oh, I don't like the colour. They've got a green colour. That's wasabi. Yeah, you're right. Just more like potato.

Not much going on, really, with the huff that you can discern at all. All right. Let's test. And like McCoy's, they are rich. Those are really nice. They are really nice. Not very hot, though. No.

Like a mild wasabi. Very mild. Because you've got that horseradish-y kind of tingle. Yeah. But it's quite sweet and nice. There's a sweetness as well. But unlike when they try and put chilli and they make it too sweet, you know like the Doritos chilli heat ones. That's nasty.

The sweetness works with the wasabi more for me. That was a really nice one. That's a good Chris. I'll open the jalapeno and cheese then. These are ridged as well. I'm going to have a hoof. Oh. What are your thoughts on the hoof? I won't say it until you stand and think

I don't want to spoil your interpretation That's cinema nachos That's it That's exactly what it is That's good Take some And I'll have some Oh he's taking a big handful

He's confident They're good I mean I like them. I like the wasabi. Let's try. Oh, dear. Oh. They're really nice.

They're really nice. They're really nice. Not mega hot, though. Maybe for the regular palate? Maybe. They've got some kick. Oh, they've got a kick? Yeah.

I'm not saying they don't have any heat what I'm saying is it's not three fiery Schofields no no and what I'm happy about Paul

is I was expecting them to have that kind of sickly sweetness that we've discussed before and didn't no there is some of that but they seem to have dialed that down

it's like the cheese is an aftertaste and the jalapeno is a front and centre so you get the strong bite of the jalapeno the peppery bite and then it kind of softens with the aftertaste of the's like the cheese is an aftertaste and the jalapeno is a front and centre so you get the strong bite of the jalapeno and then it kind of softens with the aftertaste of the potato and the cheese.

The cheese is at the finish, yeah. You can have one of those bags. Which one are you taking home with you today? That's a toughie. It's a tough one. Are you going to go wasabi or are you going to go jalapeno? I'll go wasabi. Alright, cool. Deal. Fine. Well, that's been a success. I think I prefer the wasabi slightly.

Okay. That's very good. Satisfying. Very satisfying. They shit all over the McCoys, don't they? They had a paprika one, but it wasn't heat, so I thought, ah, we've done paprika. Not hot. So they fail in their, I guess, to someone who had less of a tolerance in their palate

for heat. That'd probably be quite... It'd bring a bit of a sweat on. Totally. Not for me, though. Not for me, though. Not for us, though. I just wanted to mention before we finish this segment,

did you try those wasabi green... Peas. No, not peas. These were flat beans. Oh, yeah. I didn't like the texture of the beans. That ruined it. The flavour was nice,

but I don't know, it was weird. No, did you try... No, not the ones that we had, the beef flavoured ones. Oh! I got some wasabi flavoured ones. Great. And talk about fucking hell.

Those were dangerous. You're not in danger. How many of those wasabi crispy stuff in your mouth? You could put them up your arse. But you take one of those fucking... Ribbit on your meters? Yes. You wouldn't want to do that with these flat beans, mate.

You would not. Because you put a few in your mouth. Oh, yeah. And then he goes... In the nose. Heat. He's making cartoon mouth, and then he goes, in the nose! He's making cartoon gestures with his hands and eyes. In the nose! It's very funny.

It's very funny. I wish you could see this. Shut up, Paul. Is that it? Are we done with this section? Yes, so, yes, league, league, league, league of snacks andisps. And now on Cheap Show, it's time for another trip to Derek's Storyland. Derek,

quick catch up if you've never been exposed to Derek. How many episodes ago was it now? Maybe ten. Maybe. Something like that. Well, not too many, but certainly.

And that episode, if you do want to listen to the first in this series of stories from Uncle Derek, that episode is called The Brookside Tiger. It is indeed. And it's worth listening in because it's a delightful story, wonderfully told by apparently a dirty old man. Well, he's dirty. I don't know. The basic story is that there's a chap, a wonderful chap, who runs a YouTube channel

called Video Games Basement, at Video Games Basement, if you're on Twitter. And he said- And what's his name, this chap, Paul? Because my brain went blank and I can't find it. It's fine. Anyway. You have a real problem with names. Do you know what you also have a problem with?

Dates. You can't keep dates. You can't control. You make mistakes around dates. Number dates. He's giving me a look. Ladies and gentlemen, he's giving me a look. It's not a giving me a look it's not a nice look no okay so video games basement gate said i've got this audio from an uncle who used to record stories

and send them to us and we thought they were deeply inappropriate and our mom had to vet them brilliant so the first one was about a man who sees a tiger and the tiger dies because it sees an old man masturbating in a nutshell and the man dies because he does too much viagra viagra it is a morality tale and a health warning yes it is and a deeply disturbing look inside an old man's head yeah because we get the idea that he used to work for a pharmaceutical company or something right so that's the angle of that story so it's a wonderful dragon. This is meant to be a kid's show.

Yeah. Why does little Timmy need to know about the little blue pill? Not to take too much Viagra, yeah. Yeah, anyway. So we've got a second story

sent to us. And this one's called The Day I Bought an Egyptian Carpet. Right. I just had to double check it was word perfect. So, we have some predictions,

Paul. Yeah, go for it. I predict that... You should write these down and see if they come up. Okay. Like a little bingo. You had the pen because didn't you write this? There's a whole trough of them over there.

Thank you. There we go. Not the sauce trough. I'm writing three words. It's a pen trough. I'm writing four words. Yes. Derek wants...

That's five words. Hang on. Derek wants to fuck a cat. Derek wants to fuck... A sphinx. A cat. So that's six words. Hang on. Derek wants to fuck a cat. Derek wants to fuck... A sphinx. A cat. So that's six words. I'm sorry.

Stroke sphinx. Or stroke a sphinx, whatever he wants to do. Yeah. Very good, Paul. Thank you very much. Cat stroke sphinx. What else? What's your prediction?

There'll be some World War reference to his time in the war. Because it was part of the theatre of war. It was part of the Second World War reference to his time in the war? Because it was part of the theatre of war, Africa, wasn't it? Yeah, because you suggested that it seems like it comes from a time from maybe he remembers the Empire days,

the war, you know what I mean? It sounds like that. Yeah, so World War II we think is going to be mentioned. Okay. Any other predictions? Racism.

I think there's going to be underlying racism. What they would say is kind of friendly racism. You know what I mean? That whole idea was, oh, it's just a comedy stereotype. Sort of structural racism from his very society. It's not insidious. It's more like, oh.

Well, he's not hating. No. It's just sort of cultural racism that's just there. It's just there. Right. So what else? What else, though? Someone will die? Someone will die. I like, so what else? What else, though? Someone will die?

Someone will die. I like this. What else? What about, well, what is the carpet? What are its powers? Do you think the carpet's going to be some kind of genie? I think it might fly. There's even going to be something about it which has a demon in it or a genie.

A magic quality. It's got a magic quality. The carpet has a magic quality. Yeah. And like the previous story, this will be told as if it really happened. Right. It won't be, once upon a time. It'll be, I remember

this. This definitely happened. My friend died wanking. No. Yeah. So. Okay, well, I'm ready to start, Paul. I'm looking forward to Derek. He's quite idiosyncratic storyteller, to say the least. He's certainly got an edge.

Let's hear it. Story time begins. And obviously we'll be pausing it throughout, so say the least. He's certainly got an edge. Let's hear it. Story time begins. And obviously we'll be pausing it throughout, so that's good. Morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is Derek James of Brookside Church Water. I want to tell you a story about

a carpet sweeper I bought in 1943. Straight in the middle of World War II, mate! Carpet sweeper, though. That's not a carpet. No, it's a carpet sweeper.

It's one of those brushes. Who titles these? He did. I'm only going by the title so maybe there's a twist to come. Alright? He bought a carpet sweeper and became one of the carpet sweepers

and then let's not jump to too many conclusions. Someone threw in the carpet with the sweeper or something. But then World War II is almost certainly going to get mentioned. No, not bang. He just said a year. All right. So it hasn't actually come true, your prediction. All right, well, remember, this is 20 minutes long

and we can't stop every few seconds of the wife. We want to, don't we? We want to. But we're going to have to just roll with the punches. Let's roll for a few minutes here. Whilst I was in Egypt on active service with the British Eighth Army, and this is how the story goes. Here we go.

Hurry up! When the El Alamein battle was over... Fuck's sake! And the invasion of Sicily and Italy, myself and my friends went up as far as Rome and that was the end of the battle for us. that with the end of the battle for us, we were brought back to base,

the other side of Alexandria, for a complete rest, which we richly deserved. All right, fair enough. He'd been in a war. Alexandria's in Turkey. Major Jim Bonner addressed us and said he was highly delighted with the victory that we had cleared the Germans out of North Africa, once Amparo and Sicily, and cleared the Germans out of

Italy up as far as Rome. as far as Rome. He said, now we are back here at Silly Bush, just outside Alexandria. Silly Bush? Where you are going to get a 10 days leave. He's getting leave.

Okay, right, great. Sorry it's not in England, but it is here in Alexandria or Cairo. Oh, Cairo. it is here in Alexandria or Cairo because the choice of either

so been in a battle they're getting some time off they've gone to Italy and they've gone where do you want to go he's in silly bush Paul

he's in silly bush he's in a silly bush is that just a reference to like you know because he's a war hero and like the war's over and everyone's fucking no

I'm in silly bush no I don't think it's that at all. Our silly amounts of Bush. It's probably a perfectly well-made town. Weird. I don't know. Either way, here's where we're going.

So he's on leave in Egypt. He gets the choice now where he wants to go. Not England, unfortunately. He can't go home. Did he sort of apologise for the story not being set in England? Yeah.

That's racism. The army guy was saying, sorry, you can't go back to Britain. Oh, I see. They couldn't go straight back. You can go here or you can go to Cairo. Because they're sort of stranded out there after the war is over. Yeah. For them.

For them. For you, Tommy, the war is over. That's what they said. All right. They weren't Germans. No. Yeah. Well, I was previously born in Alexandria in my early days in Egypt.

Oh, all right. And it had a wonderful seafront. The bathing was wonderful. Of course, it was boiling hot every day. And I really enjoyed my few days off now and again in Alexandria. But it was my desire to explore Cairo, as I'd often driven through it in convoy with all my friends, but we were never able to explore.

with all my friends, but we were never able to explore. And of course, we were only 150 kilometres from the Great Pyramids. Easy choice, the Sphinx, the Sphinx, the Sphinx. Anyway, on Friday night, we all boarded a train for Cairo. We arrived in Cairo late that evening after a long, hot, tiring journey. Fucking hell. It's not exactly Alan fucking Wicker, is he? We were all marched to Casano Barrocks in Cairo

where we had a lovely bed waiting for us with white sheets. And you can imagine, after living on the sands in the western desert, sleeping in the backs of lorries in the heat, the dust and the flies, with only a pint of water per man per day to wash and drink. Hopefully not in that order.

Now, come back here. It was heaven. We had a lovely bed. We had three good meals a day. And I spent the weekend straightening out with all my friends and enjoying the well-earned rest.

On searching my kit bag, I got out my walking out suit, as I called it. I purchased it in Alexandria. His walking out suit? Yeah, it's like going out. Oh, fair enough. I was it in Alexandria. His walking out suit. Yeah. It's like going out. Oh, I was going to say. Fair enough. I was going to say, what? When he leaves places unexpectedly, he's like, no. Just get into my walking out suit. I'm angry.

No, it's walking out as in going out. I got it. Alright, so he's going out on the town in Cairo. I wonder what he'll find. So far, it's been quite dry and quite just boring as all hell. Get to fucking things. Come on, Derek.

Show us a dead man. When I first went to Alex in 1941, as a matter of fact, I had it made. It wasn't very expensive. Tailoring was cheap out there. It was an officer-type jacket with four patch pockets, short sleeves, long slacks. And I had a lovely pair of brown shoes to go with it. Fucking dashing cunt.

Describe more. Describe more. I also had a walking out hat, which we called a Glengarry. Glengarry hat. It was perched on the side of the head. Oh, he's really into his appearance, isn't he? It was deep blue. Deep blue hat.

And it had a gold braid running around the edges. And on the front. It said cock magnet. I wore an Army Service Corps badge in a highly polished condition. I must say I lived apart

and often being nearly six foot tall I was mistaken for an officer. Or impersonated an officer. I felt refreshed. I went an officer. Or impersonated an officer. I felt refreshed. I went out

alone to explore the city of Cairo. Oh, here we go. Fuck two problems. You know he touted his balls, didn't he, before he went out? I got a Gary. That is a four-wheeled Lando

drawn by one horse, an Egyptian driver. I got a Gary to take me to the centre of the city. A Gary? I guess like an Uber? Didn't take very long. I paid the driver

and alighted where all the shops were. And it was very, very busy. Oh. And there were nationalities from all countries in all different types of uniforms mingling with the Egyptians. The smell of Egypt you never forget. Oh.

It is a smell on its own. But in the bazaars and the back streets, the stalls are really something. They love their brass and copper, and they're very, very clever people at engraving and actually making these things. I got to one store and I noticed that at the back was a tall upright cleaner similar to our Hoover. And it was very, very old. very old.

Very old. I think the dust bag must have been made out of goat skin or goat bladder or something. I don't know. Anyway, I did... What? Just him.

He's such a character, isn't he? Yeah. He loves bits of animals. Yeah, not complete animals animals He likes bits of them It's like It's an old hoover And it's been made But it's got

A lamb's bladder as its hoover bag A goat's bladder is what he said But I'm picturing this kind of Ed Geeney and kind of Horror monstrosity Where like the hoover bit Is a skull And like the spine

Is like a human femur bone. God, imagine pushing that round your house. Well, it would be dry it out. Wouldn't be like a wet bladder. No, it'd be all dried out. It'd just be like, you know, a bagpipe kind of thing. Well, they used to use that as condoms, didn't they? Yeah.

Sheeps' bladder, stomachs and stuff. Yeah, they did. That would be a bit off-putting. Just a bit? What's that smell of corpse? He didn't get too into the smell of the market. He just said it never leaves you. It never leaves you. I'm guessing it's a kind of shitty smell. You know, it's kind

of sweaty, shitty, pollution-y. No, they have that certain sort of spices and incense. Oh, you think it's more... It's a unique smell, so it's probably a sort of spices and incense. Oh, you think it's more... So it's probably that. It's a unique smell, so it's probably a sort of combination of those nice smells and then the underlying raw sewage

probably part of it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, let's find out what he does next. It's not like the smell of Cleveland, which is apparently just like... Oh, shitty. Bad, yeah.

Sorry, Cleveland. I didn't let the stallholders see that I was interested in it, so I just browsed around the other items on his store. Why would you not? Because then he'll overcharge. He came up to me and he introduced himself. He said his name was Hamoun.

I said, what's your Christian name? He said, Fred. Hang on, sorry. Wait, hang on, hang on. What's your white person understands name? I don't want this Mamoun shit. Fucking hell. Give yourself a proper British Christian name.

Am I ticking the cultural racism box there? Well I don't know really there He's been very complimentary towards the Egyptian Very complimentary I don't know I don't think we're going to get there with him I think this is going to get a little bit more mystical Well Harmoon is his surname then

Mr Harmoon Fred Harmoon I don't believe that for a second That's when some Johnny fucking Brit Fred Harmoon. I don't believe that for a second. That's when Johnny fucking Brit goes over to Spain and calls everyone Fred. You know what I mean? What's your name?

My name is a power. I'll call you John. John, John, John. John, meet John. I'm going to pay Johns to fuck my wife. Now I've got a watch. John, give it to her, John. And you will call me Mahmood. Right, right.

So let's see what happens with this bartering. John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John. Jimmy James. I come from a town just outside London. Sorry, rewind. Hang on, hang on. Let's rewind a little bit. Why did you say Fred, then Jimmy James?

It was Harmoon. Okay, Harmoon. I said, what's your Christian name? He said, Fred. I said, well, mine is Jimmy. Jimmy James. It's Derek, it's Derek. I come from a town just outside London

called St Albans. It's Derek. I come from a town just outside London called St Albans. Oh. Oh, he said. I was in London. What a great anecdote. Wow. It's like when you go to America and they say, hey, where are you from, buddy? Yeah.

And I go, oh, they're not really going to know where also. Liverpool. Yeah. Oh, do you know the Beatles? Yeah, yeah. Do you know the Beatles? Exactly. yeah. Do you know the Beatles? Exactly. It's like that.

Yeah. Uncle McCartney joshes me off every Christmas singing fucking... Pull of Kintyre, more like. What about Coming Up? Coming up. Coming up. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

I just think that would be a better song from the repertoire to have be wanked off to by Paul McCartney to. He doesn't do a song called Coming Up, does he? No, it's a disco fucking great. Aren't you thinking of I'm coming up? No. I've got some hot stuff for you. I've got my sticky glue. I'm coming up.

It's just one stroke or two. That's I'm Coming Out by Diana Ross. I'm coming up. It's just one stroke or two. That's I'm Coming Out by Diana Ross. I'm coming up. No, it's not. I've got to squirt my glue all over you. That's the wrong song. It's not. It's not George Forby doing it.

Coming up. Coming up. Like a fountain. Don't you know this song? I don't know it. It's really good. You'll love it. You would love it.

I'll check it out later. It's a good disco, mate. Here we go. A McCartney disco. Great. Luton. He said, I expect you know Luton. I said, yes, I know it very, very well.

It's where they have a large number of hat factories. It's where they have a large number of hat factories. But I don't know if that industry still carries on. It doesn't, Derek. Anyway, he saw that I was interested in this cleaner, which he had at the back of his store, and in the meantime, me to the thing is he leaves too fucking longer gap in when he speaks you know I'm just like yeah and also the part of me is like when he goes he invited me me too I'm gonna say fucking jacket matches

meat so it's a hard fight it's a hard fight. It's a hard fight. I want to interject every time he leaves a gap and it's tough. His pace is too slow. We could for the next... This is an idea for the next story. Yeah. Because I think there's been enough goodness here for us to want more stories. Oh, we need more stories to come.

We could play it at one and a half speed or something. Well, we'll understand it and so will everyone else. Yeah, but I could just also trim it. I was speaking to someone this weekend. Great story. And... Yeah? Yeah. And he said he listens to all his podcasts at one and a half or even two speed. Yeah, some people do. And those people

are fucking wretched. No, it's if you're doing, if you're listening to a factual... Oh, I'm too busy to take in facts. I want them quicker. Quicker facts there. The point factual... Oh, I'm too busy to take in facts. I want them quicker. Quicker facts there. The point is... Oh, I'm so dumb. I don't have time to think.

They've demonstrated, Paul... I don't care. I don't know what you did. I want my facts quick. No, but... Give me quick facts. Well, Paul, they've demonstrated that you can understand spoken language

much faster pace than you can actually speak it. Yeah. Than anyone can actually speak it. I want me quick fix! You absorb it. That's the point. You still understand what's being said

and you absorb it. So why not? It saves time. I'm against it. Not for comedy. I'm against it. Comedy obviously... Ruins timing.

Yeah, it ruins the pace. Ruins timing. But does he listen to this podcast 1.5 speed? He doesn't. No, none of my friends listen to this podcast. Good. All your friends are cunts.

Fuck me. All of them. Every single one. I hate them. Shut up, Paul. I hate them. All right, good. And if you're listening and go,

not all of his friends don't listen, you all don't listen. All right? Paul, calm down. There was a cat. Right, let's get on with it. Come on, let's have Derek. Almost halfway through.

First of all, I said, you have the same name as the great king of Egypt, Tutankhamun, who died 3,000 years ago. Oh, yes, he said. I'm his brother. I said, you what? He said, I'm his brother. I didn't query it.

Why? Why didn't you query it? A man who's been dead for thousands of years goes, oh, I am his brother. Yeah. How? How is that possible? Now, I'm just going to go out and say that he ends up being the real king of Egypt. You think he hasn't diverted from reality yet, Paul? Has he?

I think already. This doesn't sound made up yet, does it? This little bit now is getting a little bit Mr. Ben. This is the jumping off point. It's a little bit Mr. Ben. You know, the little shopkeep's going to come out with his fares. Ding, ling, ling. What do you want to dress up as today, Mr. Ben?

Oh, today I really want to mash my spuds Wearing a fucking costume from the medieval times Because that's what he did He mashed his spuds Mr. Ben used to mash his spuds I'm putting it gently For onanism Mr. Ben is a cartoon series for kids

Where a man goes into a cosplay shop Dresses up Beats his meat And then leaves. And he's fantasising about oh, I'm rescuing her from a dragon. Oh, I'm dressed as a knight. It's a fantasy. And then he walks out the shop,

tips his bowler hat, and the shopkeeper goes I've got to clean this spunk up. Every fucking... He pays well. And I keep my gob shut. Can you imagine if we got a letter from Mr. Ben's shopkeeper? tails from the shop floor this man comes in a wax dress as a princess anyway all right it was so old it was like parchment paper hanging in folds over his cheeks his eyes were really sunk into the back of his head.

What? Is this Fred now? No, he's saying the old man he's talking to, Fred Mahmood, is old. His skin's like parchment paper. His features are hanging. He's old. You see where he's potentially going with this? He's an old man. Yeah. He's got

a magic carpet beater. Yeah. I've got a magic carpet beater. Yeah. Yeah. I've got a magic carpet beater. I've got a magic beater. I'll beat myself off. None of this is working. Story. And his eyebrows.

I don't think he'd ever cut them since the day he was born. I haven't. I haven't. He didn't look ugly. And yet he was far from handsome. Come on. But I never believed that his brother was. He was the brother of Tutankhamun, the great king of Egypt. No, probably right there.

Stay cautious. He invited me to have a cup of coffee with him. Oh. And I loved Egyptian coffee. And I'd already tried it in Alexandria. And it's delicious if it's properly made. He's a right fucking dude of charm, isn't he? A very tiny copper jug on a long hand, which he heated over a flame at the side of his stall. I mean, he likes his detail.

I don't know what the flame was or how it was kept alive. I don't think it was gas. Oh, poor... Derek, he loves his detail, but then when he just goes too far with the type of gas... It's all getting a bit Tolkien. It was delicious. Right.

And on the table was a large bowl of fruit, beautiful black grapes bananas oranges yeah yeah lemons right right all the fruit and on the table were little tiny brass and copper bowls beautifully engraved beautifully done all very shiny and each was filled with different kinds of nuts from all over Egypt and the Middle East cashew nuts and all that sort of thing

anyway we finished the coffee and it was getting round to midday. So do you think the story should start? And her talking was interrupted by an English girl

in uniform coming up to the store. Oh, hello, Governor! There she goes. She comes in and goes, hello, Governor! No, she doesn't. She comes in and goes, oh, you. No, she doesn't. She does. She comes in and goes, oh, don't you look smart in your hat.

Are you an officer? Oh. I'm getting all frothy. I'm not an officer, but I do have an orifice. Paul. That can be filled with your fat hands. Paul. What?

Why? I didn't say the committee doesn't approve of this. Don't you fucking bring in the committee. Now, admittedly, I thought that interjection was going to be much funnier than it was. It was not funny. I'm going to just... Your hallow governor, I mean, it was weak.

It was weak. The concept was weak. The execution was worse. And can we just sweep it under the Egyptian carpet? Nicely done. Link back in. Ask him for the price of a bottle of perfume, which he purchased.

All right. Anyway. Anyway. No bearing on the story. It got round to 12 o'clock. Right. And we still hadn't agreed on a price for the sweeper. Right.

Of course, if you purchased anything in Egypt, one all-parted price, you never paid the price past. Never. Anyway, I got him down to £20. He wanted £50. And I said, that's impossible. Because I don't earn that in a year in the British Army. Anyway, he agreed.

But we didn't use the traditional method of shaking hands to get the deal. Right. What do you think he did? They did the traditional method of joshing off. Yes. No. Good deal. Good deal. I'm happy with that.

£20. And come. No, but Paul. Yeah. He said, I got him down to £20. Down from £50. And he said he makes... I don't make £50 in a year. Yeah.

How can he afford to... If he makes less than 50 in a year, how can he afford 20? That sounds like a huge amount of money. It sounds like... Well, the money he's spending on his hat and his clothes... On an antique carpet sweeper... Made of dead animals.

Made of dead animals. Why does he want it so much? I don't know. What is he prepared to pay... I'm assuming at least half of what you earn in a year. How could he do that? All I know... How could he spend half of what he earns on a year on a, for all he knows,

broken carpet cleaner with a pig's bladder on it? I don't know. I don't know. All I know. All I know. Bullshit. All I know is that he would be awful on bargain ons. Yeah.

You know? How much for that small glass ashtray? It's £50,000. Oh. How much do you make in a year, if you don't mind me asking, sir's £50,000. Oh. How much do you make in a year? If you don't mind me asking, sir. £19,000 a year. All right, I'll do it for £15,000.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Do you know what I mean? Here's everything I own. For that. And then, we're at the auction. Now, you paid £15,000. That's right, isn't it, for this ashtray? And hello, welcome to the auction today.

And we have a pig's bladder sweeping item here. It's a very good item. Lots of interest. Got interested on the internet. So let's start this off at £2. Sold! Oh, I've made a blander. Next up, it's a pig's ear purse with some poo-poo in.

So, Derek, you paid £15,000 for that blander thing, and you made £2, so that means you've lost... Paul can't do the maths. £14,998. Hey there, Neil. Here we go. Not yet, because I had a trump card up my sleeve. And I played it there and then. I said, Fred, I will have your sweeper

if you hail the next Gary that comes past your store, let me get aboard to carry me and my hoover, sweeper, back to Casernil Barracks. He said, Jimmy, you drive a hard buggy. What? I said, Fred, you drive a hard buggy. What? I said, great. And so do you. With that...

Hail me a cab? Yeah. Did he say he should pay for the cab? No, he just said, I'll pay you this if you get me a cab and a board to put the thing on. That's like saying, OK, yeah, I'll pay half my yearly salary for this broken old gory cleaning machine. Yeah. But, tell you what,

you've got to sweeten the deal. Yeah. Phone Uber for me. All right, yeah, I'll do that. For fuck's sake. Oh, Mr. Hard Bargain, oh, you want 15 grand for this, do you? Well, I tell you what,

I'll pay it if you put it in a bag you put it in a bag for me it's so terrible anyway maybe derrick does not strike me as someone who's good with money but maybe there's a twist to come on that maybe there's a catch who knows we've we should never doubt derrick this story's not as good as the tiger wait we've still got 27 minutes left no No, we don't. Fuck it. We are... Oh, nine minutes left.

We're over halfway. He needs to pick it up. I got aboard and Fred followed with the upright cleaner in his hand and put it in the carriage after me. We shook hands and I said goodbye.

I never saw Fred again. Wasn't the guy from the first story called Fred? He fucking was. The vet was called Fred. I can't remember. He was. This cleaner I'd taken home and

my wife was not interested. Don't fucking blame her. So she bought a modern one. And my precious antique finished up in a cardboard box at the back of the cupboard, where it lay forgotten for many, many years. Right. Okay. In the meantime. Can I just say?

Exactly. Fucking hell. Can I just say? What? Here's how I tell the story so far. One day I was in the army and we had a big battle and I got some time off, so I went to Egypt and I saw this man selling a weird looking hoover, so I bought it. Yep. There you go.

So far, that's the story. Yeah. Well, now it's gone a bit sort of like Ark of the Covenant okay correct I bought it and it's been in my shed

for 30 years yeah it's been in the shed for 30 years my wife wasn't interested I thought that was like full stop I thought there'd be more with Fred

I bought the hoover back my wife wasn't interested new sentence do you know what I mean yeah of course she's not interested oh honey I've got you something nice from Cairo.

What is it, darling? It's this corpse-come-over hybrid. And the great thing is... I'm not interested in sex with you. I wanted a divorce. As its fleshy chunks fall off, it sucks it up. It sucks off its own fleshy chunks. There's your T-shirt.

It's like a Henry. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like a horrible Henry. Yeah. No, Henry. What's he called? Henry Hoover, yeah.

He sucks up all the filth. Yeah, he does. And does a mean sack solo, according to the Underground. Anyway. My wife passed away. Oh, shit. And now I'm living in Cornwall. Great story.

That we had then also packed up. And then I thought it was about time i pressed my antique into service i telephoned a firm in campbell floyco limited and said could you overhaul an antique carpet sweeper for me? I said, yes. I said, my friend Ken will deliver it to you on a Monday morning.

Is that all right? And she said, yes, that's all right, Mr. Kane. I said, when you get it stripped out, will you please telephone me and give me some idea of the cost? Because, I said, I'm not prepared to spend a fortune on it. But you did fucking spend a fortune on it! You already fucking did, mate!

On the Monday, he had diluted it. And on the Tuesday, the telephone went off. And Mr. James said, yeah, before we go here, he said, the fitter has examined your cleaner. He said, he's never seen such an old one in all his years of experience. He said, it was packed full of sand for a start. I said, well, I'm not surprised.

It had come from a sandy country. I said, it's built on sand. It's all sand everywhere. It's in your flask, it gets in your ears, in your eyes, in your food. All right, mate, we were just saying it was full of sun. Don't be a dick. In the Western Desert. I said, I'm not a bit surprised.

Anyway, she said, another thing he found, the skeleton of a fly waged under the rubber belt that drives the brushes. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Derek. You are insane. You're a weirdo.

Can I just ask a stupid question? And that stupid question is, do flies have skeletons? And the answer, Paul... Yes? No, they do not. I was just about to check. That's one of the things that defines them as an insect.

They have hard shells, but no... Structure within. No, no skeleton. Yeah. There's a word for that, isn't there? It's an exoskeleton. Yeah. Yeah, they have a carapace.

The best kind of skeleton is an exoskeleton. Well, no, I'd prefer to have an internal skeleton. Really? You'd rather not be, like, hard on the outside and... They are invertebrates, which means they don't have a backbone. Yeah. A bit like you, isn't it? What?

When have I been a coward? You are a coward because you won't eat insects. That's not being a coward. It certainly is. It's not. It's just having respect for myself. No.

But no respect for our show. Cheap show, Paul. In which we... I'm going to eat some mucky shit and expect my co-host to put it in his mouth too. That's what I'm going to do. I'll eat poo. I'll eat shit. I'll eat bugs.

Because I want to be popular. You fucking... Oh, what? I'll go on your part. I'll eat your shit. Jesus. You could be one of those guys who appears on TV Just eating crap Demeaning shit No I'm not

You are I am not You are No I won't And today on Blue Peter Eli's gonna eat a pizza Full of dog turds Hello

Anyway They found Arnold Schwarzenegger in there They also They found a skeleton Quote unquote Of a fly In a hoover in the fan belt and a bag of sand in its belly. It was full of sand, he said.

But under the rubber seal on some part of it. Let's see what else it's got. A dead fly would be a better way of putting it, wouldn't it? Just a squash fly. Why would you mention that? Maybe we'll find out. I reckon there's going to be some kind of

Egyptian god in the hood. Well, let's find out. We're getting close to the finale because by fuck it needs to have something happen in it.

Yes, I said. And what else did he find? And when he opened the goat's bin bag he found the complete's bin bag, he found the complete skeleton of a donkey. Of course there was a donkey! Of course there was a donkey corpse inside!

What? How do you get a full-sized donkey skeleton, Connie? You've done a big snot down your fucking face, mate I'm sorry it's gone now, Paul the snot's gone, Paul I'm sorry you made me laugh, I got the bubblies

I apologise are you okay? sorry don't peel back the curtain I couldn't every time I close my eyes I see it so the bag's full of

it's a complete skeleton of a donkey Paul I don't think it could have been any clearer about what's in the gold-skinned bag. So what? Is the hoover massive? Is it a giant hoover that has a bag big enough to contain a donkey skeleton? Even a baby donkey would be still big. It'd still be quite a large bundle of bones, a complete skeleton of a donkey. It'd be like a pillow-sized thing, at least.

Well, that is. I mean, a pillow, you know. Yeah. Maybe you could. Maybe. But, look, let's just see where this goes Oh I said that's interesting No it's not interesting That's not all

At the back of the sweeper There was a metal plate Which said This sweeper Was once the property of the great boy king of Egypt. Oh, for fuck's sake!

Fuck off! Weak! Weak! I'm the king boy child of Egypt! I'm going to Hoover Donkey! I'm going to Hoover Fly! I'm going to Hoover Sand! I'm going to Hoover Donkey! He's insane. Derek is insane. He's gone a bit

doolally. He's nuts, isn't he? So is this bag like the TARDIS where it's small on the outside but inside it travels through time?

The boy king Tootin' Carmen. Maybe it's like a genie. Maybe it's like a genie's lamp. I think we can tick that off, can't we?

See, that's sort of it's magic, isn't it? There's a magic... Well, I mean, we still haven't gotten to the finale yet. We're still a good... It would have to be magic if it survived since the time of the Pharaohs. We're still a good five minutes away from the denouement. So...

I would like to see the spirit of Tutankhamen. Well, we might get lucky. Let's find out. And it was stolen by an Englishman named Howard Carter and after that nobody knows where it went

how would that say that on the plaque on the fucking thing how could that say be written on the plaque nobody knows where this went this thing you're holding nobody knows went. Do you know what I mean? This thing you're holding, nobody knows where it is. Do you know what I mean?

Derek, proofreading. Now, what we can argue is that the legend is an Englishman stole it back in the day and it went missing. So just the sign saying it belonged to this teenager,

this boy King, right? That could be enough for the history buffs to go, aha, ooh, yes, yes ah it was stolen by this yes now i'm just gonna go i think henry carter was the guy but let's just also think hundreds of thousands not hundreds of thousands of years ago when the egyptian empire reigned no englishman no england no but i think he's referring to henry carter i think is the famous egyptologist who found toot and carmen yeah and it's a very famous story, isn't it?

Because it was the first time in the modern age that a complete tomb, Egyptian tomb of a pharaoh, had been discovered. Yeah, in its condition that it was in. Yes. So even by that logic, it's like, oh, look at all these golds and diamonds and riches. Yes, there were riches. And a hoover. That's the one I'm taking.

That's mine. Yes, and make sure you do an engraving saying how it could never be found. Just make sure that that's it. This thing could never be found. Just put it behind the donkey. Just put it there. Hoover up his fucking donkey bones, will you, with this 3,000-year-old sweeping machine.

Right, let's go. Let's see where it goes. The antique cleaner, which I bought home from Egypt. Anyway, Cain collected it two days later and it's in beautiful working order. When my home help came on the Tuesday morning, I said to Sandra, we've been without a cleaner now, Sandra, for a fortnight. But my cleaner is back now. And take great care of it.

Anyway. Excuse me, love. You've not been doing your fucking job for a fortnight. So get this corpse hoover to do a fucking job for you. Derek, what do you want us to do with this complete donkey skeleton? You can keep it. You keep it with the plaque

and the fly. Fucking hell. Fly skeleton. So Sandra's now going to use the hoover. Now, I presume it doesn't plug in. I presume it's one of those ones that you move around the floor. I think that's what he means

by a sweeper rather than an actual hoover. Yeah. Because hoover was the brand name for the first vacuum cleaner, wasn't it? So it's one of the ones with the brushes. Yeah, I think it's what he means by a sweeper rather than an actual Hoover. Yeah. Because Hoover was the brand name for the first vacuum cleaner, wasn't it? So it's one of the ones with the brushes that just sort of... Yeah, I think it's one of those things... But it had a bag.

Yeah. Did they have bags? Yeah, I think they did. There's no suction. Well, I don't know, but let's just not look too much... He says sweeper. He's not using vacuum cleaner. No.

Vacuum isn't... Either way, it's a thing with a stick with a bag on. Do you know what, Paul? What? I don't think it exists. Oh, now, Eli. I don't think it exists. Oh, now, Eli. I don't think it truly exists. No, Eli, it's all real.

Let's see where we go. What does Sandra... Sandra gets haunted by the mummy. That's what I'd like to see. Let's see it. I sat in the lounge watching television and I heard the sweet hum of the cleaner. It must be electronic. In the carp hum of the cleaner. It must be electronic.

In the carpets in the hallway. Suddenly, there was a shriek. I wondered whatever was wrong. I got up. I dashed into the hallway. And Simon stood there, looking white, shaken, and shocked. I can't take it Sam stood there looking white shaken and shocked I can't take it it better not be

just his mate wanking again on the stairs it's like there's every story with his dead mate found

with his pants and his gorge penis and someone seeing it and being scared to death oh I think we're in the final hurdle now so

let's just relax and let's just see what scared Sandra so much. The worst build-up to the worst denouement of all time. Well, we've still got a few minutes. Let's see what happens. Oh, Derek. I said, whatever's the matter? She said, it's the carpet, Derek.

The carpet. And my teeth. And my teeth. And my teeth. And an item of lingering, which I dare not tell you. What? What's going on? Hang on.

Hang on. Oh, no! It's like, Paul, it's like in a few moments, it's like I'd fallen asleep and I'm no longer, you know, actually awake. I'm having a dream about listening to this story by Derek. But, it's like i'd fallen asleep and i'm no longer you know actually awake i'm having a dream about listening to this story by derrick but it's no and my teeth and my teeth and she says that

twice she says my teeth the carpet my teeth and my lingerie and yeah an item of lingering so can i just say the hoover somehow managed to hook up the carpet it's fucking assaulting her teeth and then pulled their knickers off yeah Yeah. Twanged her bra. Yeah. But he doesn't want to say it's for kids, so he doesn't want to describe the actual item. It pulled down her dirty grantees and I saw everything.

Is that what's going to happen? I don't know. He must be lonely. His wife's passed. You know, he probably has feelings for Sandra that are bubbling just under the surface of this story

one feels right because this didn't happen but he's now imagining his carer who comes in and gets her knickers sucked off what about the female officer

who turned up and goes can I have some perfume that was it she just thought that was it perhaps Sandra is her well I don't think so

no I went along to the bathroom and there was no carpet on the floor. The little chocolate mat, which was under the handboats, had gone. Sandra stood there looking so shocked. I felt terrible. I wished the ground would open and swallow me up.

Why? What have you done? I took the hoop from her hand. I undid the bag. I opened the bag and in there, sure enough, were the powdered remains of the lovely blue fitted carpet from out of my bathroom. And also the powdered remains of the little blue chocolate-coloured rug from under the handbag.

Stop it right now! He is insane. The little blue chocolate-covered rug is what he just said, Paul. We both heard it. But he also said the powdered remains. So that means it's been eviscerated as it's come into the bag. And now there's multi-coloured ash?

I don't know. It's so weird. I presume he's just not explaining himself well, but he's not explaining anything. I feel like I've... Two more minutes. Fuck. It's not going to end well. They were absolutely minced beyond recognition.

Minced? Carpet? And in the mouth that were the fine red shreds of silk. The item that Sandra lost. It got her bra. It got her knickers. Her knickers. Silk red and silk knickers. The thing has pulled her knickers off. Yeah.

What? Derek, you fuck. You. I don't. You. Derek, you fuck, you... I don't... You... Derek, you... Here's what happened. Someone came in, and we've had a complaint from your carer. Why? Well, she alleges, and I know

it's a tough thing to admit to you, Derek, but she alleges that while she comes to yours, you steal her underwear? No. Well, why did we find her red knickers in your house the other day ah well i bought a hoover that's where this story came from maybe i accidentally sucked up her knickers and they're racy as well aren't they red silk silk that is racy they're not like they're not the kind of lingerie you would uh use if you're just on the job cleaning someone's house.

Just have on your pants. You'd have normal pants on, wouldn't you? Unless you're trying to fucking get Derek's money. Oh, well, you can't have it because I spent it all. Oh, I bent over to show you my knickers. Oh, that'll put me in your will, won't it, Derek? No, because I spent all my earnings on a bone hoover. But worse was to come.

Fucking hell. I felt right at the bottom of the bag, and in the fine powdered meth, I retrieved her dentures. They were blue. What?! What?! Why are they blue? Why was the chocolate-coloured mat blue? Why is everything blue? Why are they blue?

Why was the chocolate coloured mat blue? Why is everything blue? Why is everything blue? Apart from her knickers Which are red Clearly red And Fair enough

Stentious That means Sandra's an older lady Who dresses up Like a slut For her job Let's just be honest Let's just be honest Going over there

With her red knickers Why is she going over there with her red knickers on? Showing them to an old man. How disgusting. Their stories. Sandra's the criminal. She's not. She's a blue tooth.

No, Sandra's just some poor woman who does her job brilliantly and gets roped into these fucking dodgy stories. Come on, we're nearly there at the end. I just held them in my hand and looked at her. She looked so distraught. I thought, good God, what am I going to do? Apologise, walk out.

What am I going to do? And suddenly, everything went so quiet. Is he going to kill her? So quiet. The spirit of Tutankhamen is... You could have heard a pin drop. And then, slowly, I opened my eyes.

What? And it was morning. And I could hear the birds singing. Out of my bedroom window. And the doves cooing in the trees. I leapt out of bed. I dashed along to the bathroom. And there was my blue carpet, still in place where it always had to be. And my little chocolate brown

bread was under the hand post. Yes. I wasn't invested in that part of the plot, mate. I really wasn't. And that is how I come to be the proud owner

of a very old carpet sweeper. Goodbye. Goodbye. to be the proud owner of a very old carpet sweeper. Goodbye. Goodbye. What the f... No! No fart!

I absolutely did not. You know I'm going to sample it. You know I'm going to make that loud with the air. No, don't. Oh, mate.

It smells like someone's opened a bone hoover. Fucking hell. Sorry, just un's opened a bone hoover. Fucking hell. Sorry, just unzipped my bone hoover bag. Now, it was all a dream. It was all a dream. So basically, this story is about a man who once bought a hoover, forgot about it, then had a stroke,

and imagined he's to clean his lady's knickers. He is a dirty, dirty... Dirty old man. Insane old man. To quote Steptoe and Son... Dirty old man....insane old man. To quote Steptoe and Son, you dirty old man. Yeah, fucking hell. You dirty old man.

Fucking hell, man. Now, it lacked the sheer shock... How many of these did we get right? Have a quick sum up. Derek wants to fuck a cat. No, sadly. I mean, we got a donkey, but there was no... There was still a sort of very barely masked sexual desire for Sandra there.

Because her knickers, basically. Her racy knickers. Her racy red knickers. World War II. Yeah, Bosch. Racism. No, not really. No, it's fine.

He admired the... Cosmopolitan. He admired the Egyptian people. And he admired the... No, not really. No, it's fine. He seemed quite... Cosmopolitan. He admired the Egyptian people. And he sort of... The mingling of cultures. He sort of seemed to be very positive about multiculturalism. Yeah. Saying that there was a lot of different people from all different nations in downtown Cairo.

So, no. Okay. Someone dies. A donkey. Donkey and a fly. I'm ticking that. Here's my question. Carpet equals magic is the last thing on my list. Yes. Yes. Magic Hoover. Now, here's my problem. It's a fly. I'm ticking that. Here's my question. Carpet equals magic is the last thing on my list.

Yes. Yes. Magic Hoover. Now, here's my problem. It's a dream. You have one problem. Yeah, one problem. It's a dream.

Yeah. When did the dream start? Because did it start when he was in Egypt buying it from a man he thought was the brother of that king? Did it begin

when he got the phone call from them saying you had a Hoover? You know what I mean? There's no way you can tell. There's only part of that king did it begin when he got the phone call from them saying you had a hoover you know what i mean there's no way you can tell there's the only part of that story where he goes and then i woke up and i had a sticky mess all over my belly he did you could hear the birds you go oh sandra that is terrible i dreamt of you last night. He's insane. How can you have the powder? How can you distinguish the powder of a blue chocolate coloured mat from that of a blue carpet? Mate,

these are questions that we will never have answered. We will never have answers to these. We will never know. All we know is that, once again, Derek delivers. He's delivered the goods. And to be fair, it subverted our expectations. He's delivered the goods. So, thank you very much, Uncle Derek. Uncle Derek delivered the goods. So, thank you very much. Uncle Derek.

Uncle Derek. You joy. You dirty, mad twat. And we're out. And we're out. That's been Cheap Joe For another episode And thank you very much

For listening If you support us on Patreon Thank you for doing so I do want to come round I do want to come round Are you talking to Someone specifically No

Alright All the patrons Just shut up while I Do the admin I'll come round Shut up I'll be there Shut up

Don't you fucking dare Do that Like the committee says What's the committee The committee says Brand off I'll be there. Shut up. Don't you fucking dare do that. Like the committee says. What's the committee's... The committee says Brandoff has been axed from the show. Ah, we've got something to look at, Paul. There might be a new segment born on our show. Let's find out.

The people's vote. I've got to go back on the internet because, you know... Go back on the internet and tell me I'm victorious. Right. The results are in. Hang on. I've got to pick it up first. Profile. Here we go. Go me I'm victorious. Right. The results are in. Hang on. I've got to pick it up first. Profile.

Here we go. Go to the right tweet. Okay. I want to see this. You can't be lying. No, I won't lie to you. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show if you'd like to help support the show

and keep us running as a weekly funny format and video episodes to come. Keep me in oil. Specialist oil. You know what I mean? Do you care about Eli Snowde's sauce trough? I asked. Yes or no.

After two hours, here are the votes as they stand. There have been 124 votes at this point. People who said yes, 85%. People who said no, 15%. Comments such as R2 says,

I'm deeply invested in it. Michael Curling says, the undersection of my table have been dubbed by my friends as the sauce corner. People have spoken. The people. Rhiannon says, quite low on my to care about list. Not gonna lie. Good old Rhiannon. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. I win.

No, I win. Well, no. Let me just rephrase that. This is a referendum. It's not legal. So I don't have to go by the vote and when i say do i care about sauce troughs it didn't say should i make a segment out of it that was not the question you're going back on what you said and i don't care which is you said that you we could i said the nhs would get an extra 355 million a year oh look that was satire give me a five oh yeah you've done a good little Brexit satire, Paul.

A little bit of Brexit satire. Well done. You feel good. Even though it's disastrous for our country. Yeah, it really is. Okay. Yeah. But in all seriousness.

With a government run by absolutely rancid cunts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Self-serving, political, global fucks. Yeah. I mean, I don't like to get political on the show. It's quite depressing.

But this humanity's fucked. Do you know what they're having now, the Tories? A leadership contest. Oh, good. Oh, fucking good. Open to sack race. Fucking hell. Do you know what they're having now the Tories a leadership contest oh good oh fucking good over to sack race fucking hell do you know who's the favourite

Boris Johnson of course he has because he had a haircut every time you get a haircut it means all of a sudden you're not a fucking mad cunt anymore right welcome to Cheap Show

Paul but in all seriousness we're starting the podcast we're starting the podcast again right in all seriousness oh Paul just one last thing yeah the people have spoken yeah and I'm're going to wrap this up. Just one last thing. Yeah.

The people have spoken. Yeah. And I'm actually going to take that as fact. All right. And there is a source report. Look out. Well, you... Look out for the next source report, ladies and gentlemen.

There'll be all sorts of sources and things related to source in the source report. I'll be pulling out of that section. You'll be pulling out. You can follow us on Twitter at thecheapshowpod at paulgannonshow or Eli Eli Snoid E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D

You can email us about anything. Things you've found, things you've seen, things you've heard. thecheapshow at gmail.com What else? We're on Tumblr, we're on Facebook,

we're on Instagram. Website is www.thecheapshow.co.uk I'm David Stavridis. That will come into this episode. You can go and look at this. And there will be a photo of the sauces. No,apshow.co.uk I'm Pigs the Bitch. That will be the episode. You can go and look at there so you can see all the things we've been playing with.

And there will be a photo of the sauces. No, there won't be. I'm going to put it on my... My committee has just said... No, I'll put it on my Twitter. The committee has just said that there will be no sauce section.

Don't start a war with me, Paul. Don't fucking... You want to go to war? You want to go to war? I fucking want to go to war with you. You're going to have... You're going to have fucking hot sauce down your meters

in the night. Well... I'll make fucking hot sauce down your meters in the night. Well. I'll make love to you in your sleep little girl. Okay that was fucking horrible. Don't say that ever again.

Well. Why? What do you mean why? What part of what you said isn't troublesome? Nothing. Nothing?

You're going to fucking Finding Neverland this fucking show. Right we're over. Goodbye. Goodbye. Ladies and and this has been cheap show and we'll see you next time bye