CheapShow - Ep 120: Leaving Mount Grotpants

Episode Date: March 29, 2019

"Ello, ello, ello! What's all this then?" In this week's economy comedy podcast, Paul & Eli play as Cops & Robbers in a shabby, confusing race through the streets of London... Kinda! It's another Gannon's Golden Games segment as they get to grips with the classic chase game "Scotland Yard". There is also a bumper edition of Silverman's Platter which contains an energy saving anthem, a sickly ballad sung by a green duck, a monkey calypso and an 80s Saturday Morning TV show's crack at the music charts. It's quite packed... And that's without the fact we discover "knock off" copies of our famous CheapShow characters, discuss a rather meaty topic in Tales from The Dancefloor and a quick dash of Shop floor story antics too.  Enjoy! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at... https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-120-leaving-mount-grotpants If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

What Eli doesn't know is that I've started recording and he doesn't know. So let's just see what I can get him to say, shall we? Let's try that. Oh, Eli, are you ready to record the next episode of Cheap Show? I just have to clean my bottom. Yeah? Yeah. As you know, I shit myself all the time on purpose because I get kicked sexually from it.

But don't let any of the I won't the audience know that Paul I couldn't I wouldn't oh I would never oh

oh oh I've been recording the whole time no ha ha ha and now everyone's going to know you like mucky sex

I'd just like to say Paul yeah made me say it you love love it. You like poo. That's a good way to start the episode, Paul. You like poo. It is the best way ever. It's not. My best intro yet. Is that it? Yes, my best intro. That's your intro. That's my cold open. Would you like to see my cold open? I'd like to see an open cold. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of the Cheap Show podcast with me, Paul Gannon, and

that's... And that's... Life? That's life. You fucking pay attention. I'm Paul Gannon and that's... That's a finger. No! You fucking did that on purpose.

I'm not doing anything. And that's what? And that's a finger no I'm not doing anything and that's what and that's right hello welcome to the economy comedy podcast for your ears where we go for the charity shops the bargain bins

and power lands of Great Britain and bring back great plenty for you to enjoy to say hey austerity's tight I mean by government

but let's get it right I'm still two three years in still don't have a catchphrase for this show but I think we've retired cheap for on

on fleek for cheap never caught on it's terrible welcome to cheap show hello I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor.

Alright, we're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor.

We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor.

We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. We're gonna go to the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the site? It's a tour gun and say hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show

They're not going on nuzzle So, yes, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast I'm Paul Gannon, you're Eli Silver I am And that's fun, isn't it? What have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Here's an idea from a listener on Reddit Let's see if we can talk about...

Because, you know, like, last week we talked about the sauce trough section of the show. It's not happening. Sauce report. Sauce report actually has made me, won me over. Yeah, that's what I've been saying all the time. I like the sauce report. Sauce report. Just like that.

This is an old sauce from a kebab I had sometime in the last week. It's yogurt and garlic sauce. Yeah. And I'll be throwing that out. Spoff. It's not spoff. You sauce. Yeah. And I'll be throwing that out. Spoff. It's not Spoff. You did a joke. Do you know what? We need a Spoff free episode. We need an episode where we don't mention spunk

Paul. Let's stop as of now. No we can't. No. You went Spoff. No. You just said Spoff, Spoff, Spoff. You just said it's Spoff. That's the most basic thing. It's Spoff. What's that? It's spoff. That's the most basic thing. It's spoff. What's that? It's spoff.

What would you like to say? What would you like on your gravestone? It's spoff. Eli Spunk. Hardly Spike Milligan, is it? Eli Spunkerman. It's just gone four minutes still early in the show

yes no more spunk in this episode I'm up for that Paul I always have been up for that it's always been you pushing the spunk agenda right okay

so you wanted to say spunk then didn't you I'm not going to abide by your your constrictions well you've already broken it by actually saying it out loud.

I didn't say I'd do it. You just said I'd welcome that, and I agree. Well, I'd welcome it, but not this episode. No, we're doing it now. I'm not doing it. Spunk, spunk, spunk. Spunk, spoff, spoff. Oh, icky, jizzy, delicious.

Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum. It goes hard because of evolutionary reasons. What's that mean? It does. It goes all jelly after a few minutes. It goes dry though and flaky.

No, but that's after a long time. First it goes egg attack. So what? It thickens, coagulates. In order to stay up there and have a better chance

of impregnating the egg. You don't half put the romance in it, don't you? My spunk congeals like it's meant to after a few minutes. Okay. Anyway, here's another idea for the show because, you know. My spunk congeals like it's meant to after a few minutes.

Okay. Anyway, here's another idea for the show. You can make a bouncy ball out of it. I won't tell you what the title of this is called. I will say it's by someone. This is the suggestion, is it? From Billy Beansprout on Reddit. That's their Reddit name?

Yes. Okay. It's not their real fucking name. Yeah, it could be. Billy Beansprout. Did you just fart? Did you just fart again? I don't fart. Will you fucking stop it?

It's a small room, the House of Pickles, with a very, very, I'm going to say, close ecosystem. It's a microclimate. And, yeah, well, there was nothing micro about that. That was macro. Right? Here's the idea. I want to get to it. Fucking hell. Eli, after a

hearty few days of London street food and lots of beer, he should be blindfolded and made to expel his waist. Okay, that's how the idea starts. Alright, I'm listening. The show proceeds in the manner of the brand versus off-brand challenges. Paul handing Eli

a variety of different toilet papers, which Eli can review for the listeners. Hopefully he'll put his finger through one of them. Eli's got some diaralt. Yeah, it's that stuff, the hangover cure. Yeah. Diarrhea medicine. Which is sufficiently binding to be an aid to timing the turd burst for the show.

This could be followed by a similar challenge for man-sized tissues and wanking. They can share their responsibilities here. Can I? Now? And then someone says, this is fucking excellent. No, no, no, no.

No. I'd just like to say, Paul, that will not be happening. That will not be happening. It's not. I'm not a grubby boy. I'm not a dirty, grubby boy who can tell the difference between toilet papers.

I just wipe my arse, get it over and done with. Yeah. Wash my hands. Yeah. Provided it's... If there's wet wipes, I might have a go on those. Although those are bad for the environment and they cause fat bugs. Don't flush them.

Don't flush the wet wipes. No. They can be recycled. You can wet your arse and put them in your recycling bin. No, you can't. Yeah. No, you can't. Yeah.

No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No, you can't. Yeah. No, you can't. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No, you can't. Yeah. I am persuading everyone listening to this podcast to use a wet wipe to wipe their arse and then just put it in your recycling.

Paul. Yeah. We actually have now reached a new low on the show. Have we? Yes, we have. I'm sorry, but we have. What, that idea? You shouldn't have read that out.

We don't encourage people. Well, this is our time to address those ideas, isn't it? What ideas? To put a stop to that wipe your arse test. It's not happening. It's not happening. You could have a version of the streets underneath it. Wipe your arse, mate.

You are going to do this thing with dulex. Or dulex. Who makes the toilet paper dulex or dulex who makes the toilet paper dulex no they make johnny's oh I got her pregnant because the comedy with the condom and the toilet paper

wipe your arse mate that's not a very good idea I've lost you you're lost in a world of pain shall we instead have a tales from the Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Floor? T-T-T-T-Tales. T-T-T-Tales from the Sh-Sh-Sh-Floor. Sh-Sh-Sh-Floor.

Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, No, keep going. I was doing those sounds to kill time while I looked at the email. I forgot to do the email search and I was just doing sounds. That's what I do. Oh, come on, rock me, Chaka Khan, because I feel for you. I feel for you. And they want me to. That's not how it goes. It is. I think I love you.

This is from Arnie. Not Arnie. Everyone does the impression of the Impressionist, not the actual impression of Arnie. What was that? Is that a little yeti? No. It sounded like the yeti. What was that? Is that a little yeti? No. It sounded like the yeti.

Well, it's not. It's not. Although he might be making a little appearance on this show a bit later, Paul. You've asked for it. I didn't know. Just because I mentioned it. You fucking did. It doesn't mean I've asked for it. You fucking asked for it.

Does it mean there are no correlations? You're inviting the yeti. Mentioning? What? Like Candyman? Yes. Or for it. Does it mean there are no correlations? You're inviting the Yeti. Mentioning what? Like Candyman? Yeah. Or Bloody Mary? Yes, but there was no Candyman. No.

It was a Clive Barker story. Yeah. Did it have the whole Say His Name Five Times thing, the original story? I can't remember. I don't think it did. I read it. It was the Books of Blood, wasn't it?

The series of short story books. I've not read a lot of Barker. Clive Barker. Short stories books. Clive Barker. Yeah. He's into all sadomasochistic stuff. Yeah. And I've not read a lot of Barker. Clive Barker. Short stories books. Clive Barker. Yeah? He's into all sadomasochistic stuff.

Yeah. And I tried to read his... What? What are you looking at? Your willy. Because you were getting excited about all the Clive Barker stuff.

No, I wasn't. I was looking for your little big top to be erected. You're just a wasteland. An intellectual wasteland. Ah, fuck off. Right. Here's a story

for Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the Shop Floor. By Arnie. The title gives it away, so I'm going to hold that close. Dear, I'll just read you the story as is. Tales from the Shop Floor. Dear Paul and Eli, I don't know if it would count, but I used to work in a bar,

and then a pub when I was 18 and I've seen a few... Does it count, Paul? Does it count? Yeah. Yeah. Are you providing a service behind a counter for patrons? It's a shop. It's a shop. It's a shop. It's a shop for booze. Booze shop. It's a boozy shop. Booze shop. It's a place where you put your money down and you get drinking. Get me drinking.

And it's a shop. Got me drunk on. It's a shop. It's a pubby shop. Oh, I got me fucking drink on. Oh. Come on, make it work. Got my drink on. It's a shop. It's a puppy shop. Oh, I got my fucking drink on. Oh. Come on. Make it work. Come on, quick. Come on, make it work. It's not going to work.

With that attitude, nothing's going to work. No. Here we go. One Saturday night, a regular at the bar I was working in came in and was doing what many Brits do on a weekend. Getting a binge on with his friends. Right. Oi, oi.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, oi! He he he. He he he. He he he. He he he. He he he. He he he. He he he. He he he.

Oh, we should address that. Right now. That. He he he. He he he. He he he. He he he. That clip of Paul Shane doing the sad pub singing song to You've Lost That Love of Feeling.

You've lost that love of feeling. Comedy actor. He he he. He he he. He he he. Performer. He he heer Fucking stop it Oh mate

I am the closest I've been to punching you Go on, push it Push it and see where it gets you Go on then Don't Let's just like I'm going to turn your nose into a squashed Italian tomato. All right?

Are you a magician? No. I'm just going to punch it and break all the bones in your nose. Why? No one likes you when you threaten me. No. No. No.

No. No, yeah, I'm right. No, they don't. Yeah, it's good. They don't understand, though, the pain I have just working with you. Just having to come to this hellscape you call a bedroom draped in misery a room it's not draped in misery a room that just you know what it looks like it's got a hole of sauces this bedroom looks like when a parent

loses a child right and then decides to never change the bedroom at all, ever. Leave it in the state it was in. And just let it get dusty as it was on the day that child died. The only difference is you still live in that room. Boom, boom, boom. The point being is comedian and actor Paul Putner listened to the show, got in touch and said, ah, people use that clip and they make fun, but it's out of context.

Because at the time he does that performance on Pebble Mill doing that song, and everyone going, look at him singing like a fucking loser. Yeah. He was in a play at that time. And in that play, he played a washed up pub singer, a cabaret act. And so that song appears in the play. I see. And so

yes, it's cringy and awkward and weird. But it was meant to be because he was playing the role of a cringy and awkward singer. And he was on this Good Morning or whatever. Yeah, Pebble Mill at one. Pebble Mill at one to promote the play. Yeah. And so they never show that when they do the clips.

Instead, you get fucking... There's a version of it online you can watch. And it's spoken over by that comedian with the glasses on, 8 at 10 Cats. What's his fucking name? He was also in 15 Stories High. He wrote with Mark Lamar. Sean Locke. Sean Locke.

Fucking Sean Locke. I don't know if he wrote the script or whatever, but every five seconds in between verses of the song, he chips in with a little silly line. Right. And he just said, shut up, play the clip. Oh, I wouldn't sing like that. Baby, baby, where's my medicine?

You're not fucking funny talking over funny clips. The clips are funny. And if you're not secure enough to let the clip play out, don't write shit mediocre commentary over it. Don't go beadle with your fucking who's been framed shit. Fucking shut it Sean Locke you're a horrible cunt

there we go moving on going places I didn't think we would be going Paul but yes and I like 15 stories I think it's a fucking

amazing sitcom what is it it's the sitcom we did with Lamar they wrote it together what era but that was when they were young

early 2000s so maybe even mid noughties it came out that was good I don't know that was good very good and Locke was good in it

it's basically about all these people that live in a tower block yeah and he meets them and goes on little adventures and random people along the way

he liked it yeah very funny it's one of those things that people forget exists if you go back and watch it genuinely great stuff okay I recommend it

and the radio show that came with it as well there's a radio show First which is very sketchy so the sketch format was going up a floor and going along a room and then you just have a different sketch for a different and the radio show that came with it as well there's a radio show First which is very sketchy so the sketch format was going up a floor and going along a room

and then you just have a different sketch for a different but the TV show was more sitcom-y okay but apart from that horrible man

although someone might be listening to it and correct us but I don't care I'm never going to meet him and frankly if he listens to this and meets me next

I don't want to meet him then so I'm never meeting him I'm never meeting him what are we doing? Oh, yeah, this. So, okay. Guy comes in, having a drink with friends. I saw him go into the gents at about 11 p.m.

And we were due to close in about an hour or so. Come 12, everyone had left. But I remember that I never... Sorry, sorry, sorry. In about an hour or so? Come on, when do you have to close? You don't close at all or so. You close at a licence.

It's just a pub. Maybe it's a small little pub that closes at midnight. Or you close at 11. You don't go, oh, so. No, he's saying he roughly doesn't know the exact time of the guy going in and coming out. Okay. All right. Yeah.

So come 12, everyone had left, but I remember that I never saw the guy come out the toilet. Wasn't he with his friends? He was binging with his friends. Yeah, but that's what they're saying. Where did they go? They left. Well, we don't know. Let's get through the story before you fucking rinse it.

Okay. There weren't any male staff around, and I was friendly with the regular, so decided to investigate myself. What? I was friendly with the regular? Yeah. Who's the regular? I don't know what that means. I was friendly with the regular. Yeah. Who's the regular? I don't know what that means.

I was friendly with the regulars. Regulars. So maybe what she's saying... Is it she? It must be. There weren't any male staff around. Well, she's going in. She's venturing into the male bogs.

So Arnie's a lady then. Unless that's Amy. Oh, it's Amy. I read it wrong. You're looking at it. It looks like Arnie. Paul Gannon. Names expert.

What does that look like in the distance? He'll remember them. It looks like Arnie if you quickly look at it. Yes, because it's only one M. So it looks like it could be Arnie. Yes, Paul, yes. So there you go. You're not just a complete wank shaft.

Idiot. Right. So she goes in, she opens the door, and a waft of piss greeted me. Always great flavour, that. That always greets you when you go into men's boxing. Really gets you right in the nose. Burns that piss smell.

The number of times I've had it on my face. Dribbling down from a glass table. Oh, you're just, just £50 they said. £50. Easiest £50 you'd make they said. What else did they say? Can we keep you for another hour? And then what did you do?

It got dirty! He pulled in me mouth! Right, okay, let's crack on. So, opened the door, waft of piss greeted me. As I came in, I saw the middle cubicle door wide open and our poor regular

bent forward, sat on the toilet, trousers round his ankles, and head between his legs. This is the guy from earlier. Yeah, out cold. I lifted him up, and all was revealed like a horrible prize behind the curtain. Ah yes, of course. I forgot

they would be a penis, I thought. I tried everything I could do to wake him up. I even pinched him. I started getting worried and called the ambulance. They managed to bring him around very quickly and take him away. He looked very embarrassed at the time, but not for long, as he was back the next weekend. However, a year later, I saw him in the news,

and that he'd been arrested multiple times for getting his willy out to women in public places. He was pretending. So the whole story, for me, has changed and I wonder if he really blacked out at all. He didn't. Dirty bastard. Thanks for all the work you do. Always look forward to listening. Lots of love, Arnie.

Amy, you're such a dick. No, you are. He's such a dick. Well, he had such a dick. So I reckon he just went for a shit and fell asleep, though. Yeah, because you'd think you'd pull it... Once you'd though. Yeah, because you think you'd pull it, you'd once you'd seen it, then you'd think you'd come too, wouldn't you? Yeah. You'd still go,

oh, I woke up, you've seen my dick now. Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished? Well, I'm putting myself in his position. He wants to show his dick. He goes for the rigmarole of seriously, this takes Columbo-esque kind of planning to go, oh, I want it to look at his dick. So he goes in. He goes to the rigmarole of, seriously,

this takes Columbo-esque kind of planning to go, oh, I want her to look at my dick. Oh, she works here, everyone else is men. How can I do it?

I could accost her, I could surprise her. I'm going to wait in a toilet for over an hour with my pants down and I'll be asleep when she comes in guessing that she'll have

to come in. The odds, who else is going to come in? No one. I'll wait. Oh, oh, I couldn't sleep. Well, these perverts go to lengths. And then pinch, pinch.

Oh, yeah, pinch harder. Oh, oh. You really have put yourself in his place, haven't you? No one makes that noise. No one makes that noise. Only you make that noise. Now, yes, but you'd think, Paul, I think someone could maybe go to those lengths

to expose themselves. But where it falls down for me, that theory, is that they actually called the ambulance. You'd think, oh, I can't wake them up. You know, you think now it's time to wake up. He's just drunk. He's very drunk, though. He's just drunk. He'd have to be very drunk.

Very drunk. I reckon he was very drunk. But then why did he expose himself? Just unrelated. Well, because. He's the type of guy. One thing leads to another. You fall asleep with your cock out on the toilet and the next minute, you know, you're dangling it out of the public park.

Maybe that's what started it. That incident started it off in his mind. We don't know. He thought when he did come round... Unless he had prior. I think he did. Is that you listening? Were you that man? Get in touch. How did you do it? Unless it's Sean Locke. It is Sean Locke this podcast

announced right now that the man in that story is Sean Locke legally I have proof I have all the proof I'll get Amy

to email me saying it was Sean Locke and then it's proof and then we'll do finding Sean Locke and you can never watch his comedy again don't mind me

just blowing your nose into your T-shirt. It's a vest. Into your clothes, though. It's ribbed for your comfort. God, you dirty, fucking horrible, ugly, stumpy, nasty twat. You're just a horrible cunt. Fucking hell, Paul. You're not being very good on this podcast this week. Oh, says a man blowing his nose Fucking hell, Paul. You're not being very good

on this podcast this week. Says a man blowing his nose into his own clothes. You don't have to include that, do you? I am going to include that. Yeah, because you're malicious.

Everyone needs to see what goes on in the House of Pickles. And it's a horror. The sights I've seen. I could do a speech like Blade Runner about the sights I've seen.

Oh, yeah? Go on then. Underpants off the coast of Mount Groppance on fire. I saw scribbles. What were they doing? Marching to an endless lemming style

death into the Skidmark Nebula. Okay Paul, so that tells me the shop floor. That's the section done. Welcome to Cheap Show, let's crack on. We've got platters coming up. And we've also got one of Ganon's Golden Games. Ganon's Golden Games. So let's just crack on.

Crack on. It's time for Silverman's Platter. Hi there, Paul. Yeah, it's platter time. What have we got coming up on the platters, Eli? I don't know. I'm talking to myself here. I was just going to say all of a sudden I'm not needed.

Great. Right, yes. Well, what have we got? We've got platters, and they're coming at you like a platter splatter. This is the segment of the show where the things we find in charity shops of the vinyl nature are brought in, listened to, and evaluated. Like a splatter platter on a man hat. Right back at you on the splatter platter on a man hat right back at you on the splatter platter it's funny how this DJ character is a lot like Randolph

here's one by Clyde McFatter it's a real splatter platter you're not very good on this podcast are you? you're not very good on this podcast yes it's time for Silverman Splatters Paul and here we are Richard Randolph a DJ because they sounded similar those characters are you? I hope you're not very good. You're not very good on this podcast. Yes, it's time for Silverman's Platters, Paul.

Here we are. Richard Brandoff, a DJ, because they sounded similar, those characters. If that DJ had just gone rof, rof, rof at any point. He wouldn't, though, because he'd be a totally

separate thing. I am Teen Yeti. No, that doesn't sound like Teen Yeti. Oh, hello, Teen Yeti. What are you doing? That's not Teen Yeti. Oh, hello, I'm Teen Yeti.

That does not sound like Teen Yeti. Oh, I'm Teen Yeti. What are you doing? That's not Teen Yeti. Oh, hello. I'm Teen Yeti. That does not sound like Teen Yeti. Oh, I'm Teen Yeti. I'm calling him over. Come over here. Hello. I'm the real Teen Yeti.

I'm the real Teen Yeti. I am the real Teen Yeti. I do not know Can I say cunt? Can I say cunt? It's all getting a bit awkward there Eli Listen I'm not I shouldn't have to come out here

to defend myself against weak imitations of me I am Tune Yeti I am underage Sasquatch I'm underage Sasquatch. I'm underage Sasquatch. And I do magic tricks. Oh, you do?

I do. Here's a magic trick. He is making a rude gesture towards me. I am too yeti. I'm too yeti. You're not too yeti. You just said you were fucking adolescent Sasquatch. What, Barbara? You stupid bitch, Barbara.

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. I'm Richard Brandoff, and this is the voice I do. Ruff, ruff, ruff, women, women. Oh, they're nasty, I hate them. Ruff, ruff, ruff, complicated sexual feelings about who I really am behind the character coming through in this hateful sexist character. Oh, I'm ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

I'm too, and I just like to use this opportunity. Barbara! Paul. Something offensive. Paul, I'd just like to use this opportunity to announce to

the listeners of Tape Show. I'd like to announce something too. No, you wouldn't. You're not real. I am real. You're not real.

No one likes you. Oh. No, I can say that with all certainty. Oh. We can have, I'll tell you what, we can have another one of your fucking Twitter polls if you want. Oh. No, I can say that with all certainty. Oh. We can have, I'll tell you what, we can have another one

of your fucking Twitter polls if you want. No. And we'll find out, is Toon Yeti played by Eli Silverman? And they will say, yes.

They will say yes. And he cannot be portrayed by anyone else. Oh. And the same goes for Richard Brendel. Ah, Toon Yeti is like James Bond. Oh, people can interpret it differently.

Oh. Right, okay. You say what you like. I'll see you in court. But... I think I'm losing my fucking mind. I think you are as well. I'm teen yeti.

Just to take this opportunity quickly If I may, Paul and Egon To announce I am retiring From the pop music world Oh no Following the allegations And the leaving Melcgotten And I am now going to be

Tiet A rap poet And I'll just going to be T-Yet, a rap poet. And I'll just give you a little taste of... T-Yet. T-Yet, a rap poet, and I'll give you a little taste of what's to come. Oh. I extrapolate my jism out of my fur. I go up the mountain and I purr. And I say, yes, T-Yet is dead. And what you got instead is T-Yet. I extrapolate my jism out of my fur. I go up the mountain and I purr.

And I say, yes, Tignetti's dead. And what you got instead of Tignette are Tignettes. I'll go back in. Thanks. Tignette,

look out for it in the shops here. Everybody, take your Tignetti back. Wow, exclusive track there from Tignette. Bye, Tignetti.

I don't know, Paul, you insulted him with your fucking bullshit characters there. Oh, you need to get, I didn't, it's not a character. I didn't, who was that? It was some interignette. I don't know, Paul, you insulted him with your fucking bullshit characters there. Oh, you need to get... It's not a character.

Who was that? It was some interloper. I didn't speak for him. And then what, some Richard Brandoff thing? Yeah, Richard Brandoff came in. No, he didn't. He did.

You can't do my characters. Oh, it's a character now. I'm looking at you. Paul, put it aside. Yeah. Let's pull back the curtain here for a second, yeah? Don't do my characters.

I'm telling you, you do Jimmy Biscuits. I'll let you do Jimmy Biscuits. I don't do Jimmy Biscuits. Go on, do it. I don't want to do Jimmy Bisc my characters. I'm telling you. You do Jimmy Biscuits. I'll let you do Jimmy Biscuits. I don't do Jimmy Biscuits. Go on, do it. I don't want to do Jimmy Biscuits. He's shit. You can't do Jimmy Biscuits.

I can fucking do Jimmy Biscuits. You can't do Jimmy Biscuits. Hi, I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Barbara! It's Jimmy Biscuits. Hi, I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Hey, I used to be Koplinsky, but I...

Stop the car. I'm ashamed of my Jewish heritage. Oh, you fucking cunt. Fuck off. Right. Anyway, platters. We look at Ryan and we find Jerry's shop. Six minutes. Fucking hell.

What do we start off with, Paul? Let's start off with that. Okay. Yeah, because I think we can tie those two together thematically. All right. So three choices today. This is an unusual seven inch that I've

found. It's funny. It's not funny. It is. I thought it was funny. This is an unusual seven inch, Paul, in that it looks like

a grain of rice sitting on top of a cricket ball, a well-used cricket ball. Well-worn balls. But it's seven inches long, so it just looks small. It's a big grain of rice. Yeah.

It's a big, fat grain of rice. More like a noodle. More like a deep-sea woodlice thing. Yeah, it's like a strand of... Do you know those deep-sea woodlice things? Yeah. It's like that. Yeah.

Well, that just put me off everything. Right. My dick's like an insect from underwater. It's a great track, that. Yeah. Well, that just put me off everything. Right. My dick's like an insect from underwater. It's a great track, that. This is... I've never seen anything else on this label. The label is Kef Records, and it has a symbol of a little fez. Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

Unusual, yeah. And it is Save Our Energy, brackets, That's What Simon Says. Okay. So let's listen to it. It's by a group. Yeah. That's what you says Okay So let's listen to it It's by a group Yeah That's what you usually say The group

Yeah Called The Energizers Right So you can see Energy Energizers Right Let's play a little bit of it For you right now

I like to play a game that will help our cause And it's not so very hard to do The name of the game is Save Our Energy And I like for you to play it too Let's not use too much heat That's what Simon said Let us not drive too fast That's what Simon said

Save our energy So that it will last Simple Simon says Let us watch over you So we don't blow up you Simon says Simple Simon says Let us watch over you So we don't blow up you Simon says

Keep an eye on your speed That's what Simon says, let us watch over you. So we don't know what you sign. He says, keep an eye on your speed. That's what Simon says. Keep an eye on your heat. That's what Simon says. Save our energy. That's what Simon says. Use away what you need. And there is an instrumental called Energy Rock.

On the beat. By the Energizers as well. Let's have a little bit of that as well, Paul. Thank you. Right. So, tell us what you think it is. I think it was commissioned by some kind of maybe government body. A British one? Energy department, definitely not British. What year was this?

Oh, really? What year is this? The year is 74. And it's an American release? Because it sounds really cheesy in that British kind of holiday camp way. Kef production produced by Elliot Chirprut. Chirprut? And it was written by Elliot Chirprut as well.

Okay. Kef Records, but it has this sort of Middle East thing, because the fez is an Egyptian hat, isn't it? Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. You can stick a logo on anything. It doesn't really mean anything. I just think maybe it? Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. You can stick a logo on anything. It doesn't really mean anything. I just think... Maybe it is American, but it seems to be a novelty song

encouraging people to save energy. Simon says make sure you unplug your dishwasher. Yeah, that's what he says. Don't use too much gas. Turn your lights off when you leave your house. Recycle your... R rinse your milk bottles out. And I'll make sure that you turn off the heater.

Simon Says. It's basically that Simon Says song. Maybe go on a website to compare the best energy prices. You wouldn't have done it in 1970, would you? You prick. I'm with EDF. What, the English National Defence League? What are you doing? Are you racist? EDF, the, the English National Defence League? What are you doing?

Are you racist? EDF, the French Energy Company. English Defence League. So, it's a strange novelty come public information. I'm sure it's British. It sounds British. It sounds like... I think it's American. You know that Black...

Okay, so Black Lace is a band we'll talk about soon. And Black Lace is a very kind of cheesy novelty band that do things like... They did a cover of Simon Says. You know that... Oh, they did a cover of Simon Says. So this is also... Who wrote it originally then, Simon Says?

Do you know? I don't know. It was the Archies or something. It was like... Let me have a quick look on Das Internet. It was like Jimmy James and the Shondells, or it was... It says here,

Farron Monch? That can't be right. Farron Monch. No, he'sondells or it was it says here Farron Monk that can't be right Farron Monk no he's a that's what it says he's a rapper oh yeah so it's not

he's just got a song called Simon Says oh hang on 1910 Fruit Gun Company yeah that's it yeah is a bubblegum pop song written by Elliot Chiprut

originally recorded in 1967 by the 1910 Fruit Gun Company becoming their most successful chart hit So it's his own song that he's reworked? Yeah, the song was based on a children's game, Simon Says Released by Budda Records

Entered the top 100 in January 1968, rose to number 4 This is six years later Hit in the UK where it reached number 2 In Italy the song was covered by a group Guiliano e ilottro Tunni. So it's similar to the Popcorn song. There are different groups in different parts of the world. That will cover it and make it there.

And Black Lace have definitely done a cover of it. And this is his own cover, but he's used his own song in the service of saving energy. What's the band called? The Energizers? How do you spell that? Energizers. The Energizers. How do you spell that? With a Z. Energizers.

It's an attractive label. Nice blue. Green. Sorry. Green and pink. You can see photos on the website. Obviously, Discogs is where it's gone to for this information. Energizers.

What's it say? Absolutely fucking nothing. Yeah, it doesn't say nothing. Although, it was a cover of it by Professor Trance and the Energizers in 96. Weird. Yeah. Save our energy. That's what Simon says.

Energy rock. Kef records. Yeah, that's it. How much is it going for? It is going for... Look at the marketplace. I'm going to look at the marketplace. I'm going to fuck off.

£1.54. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. It's a bit like that one we saw a few episodes ago, a fair few episodes ago, the gas company one. Yes, because they were... Regenerating.

That was a record to promote their regeneration of the city. And you feel that this is... It must be in the service of some government body, the Energy Board or something. Well, as Simon says, you've got to sell it to kids. Yeah. So you're just encouraging teenagers to save energy.

It's a record whose time has come. It's a splatter whose message is just as important these days as ever, Paul. Don't...

It's like, you know, that Bruce Forsyth song, I'm Backing Britain. Oh, God. Bruce Forsyth in the 70s when Britain was going through that economic downturn and we had the three-day weeks

or whatever it was and all that stuff. That was when the first European referendum was, 1704, wasn't it? Yeah, we're going back to those days. So he did a song, a promotional song, probably paid for by the government, saying, back Britain, cut down on your expenditure and be, it's like, I'm back in Britain. He's trying to encourage people to save money. We're all in it together.

Yeah. Heard that before encourage people to save money. We're all in it together. Yeah. Heard that before. Massive promotional thing. Meanwhile, Bruce, he's singing this and taking a massive fucking paycheck and using it to find somewhere to take his wife. Oh, that brings us to, Paul. Yeah. The issue of Michael Jackson.

Little Tales from the Dance Floor. Let's get it out of the way. I was I DJ yes yeah so I usually the promoter will get drunk

well yes but act unprofessionally and risk your job every now and then no I don't what are you talking about don't make that look at me I'm just going to send you

an email you're like can you not piss in the bins right outside right outside the venue can we not have our DJ walk off the stage just pop outside the door and take a piss have our DJ walk off the stage, just pop outside the door,

and take a piss in full view of everyone else going outside for a smoke? One person who used to work there, he used to just piss in a glass and leave it behind the deck for people to take. Wow, great. Clean up, see? Okay, so I'm not that bad.

And I don't ever piss by the bins anymore. Okay? That was several years ago. Anyway. Alright. I'm just saying just saying so the promoter will check that i'm still confirmed for that weekend you know just a little a little you still on for friday yeah great great all good for friday he says but this week there was a little bit of extra oh an addendum extra uh information oh by the way eli, Eli, I wouldn't play any MJ this weekend. Oh.

I replied. It was like the night after it was shown on TV. Okay, because the Channel 4 documentary found in Everland about the two boys who were molested. Allegedly molested by Michael Jackson. And then I said, well, I only play Jackson 5. Yeah. And he said, no, I wouldn't play that anymore either

but and that just makes me think it's all very grey area all of this isn't it because people will what if it turned out that like a song like happy birthday to you yeah like some piece of historical

information some bedded in piece of pop culture no some piece of historical information about the writers of that song came out and they were child rapists. Okay. Murderers. Right. Would we? Would we stop listening to Happy Birthday to You? Would it stop being used as a song?

It's the age. Would it, Paul? No, but here's the thing. It's the age old argument of artist versus output. It's like Lovecraft. No, but I'm not even like Lovecraft. But he was a huge racist. But he's a massive fucking racist

and didn't make that too unsubtle in his books sometimes, you know? So my theory is, no, you've got to retain it and keep it in context. So we talked about this before the podcast, like Huckleberry Finn, I think it is,

or was it Tom Sawyer, where there's the character N-word Jim or whatever it is, the black character. And they said, we need to get rid of the N-word from any future copies because we can't have kids reading it.

It's like, no, you have to because you need to tell these kids why the word was used and the context and why you shouldn't use it and why it's used by this character in the show, in the book. Well, it's like Steven Spielberg

going back and trying to take all the guns and the cigarettes out of E.T. Which he then instantly regretted, apparently. Yeah, because it's stupid. Because that whole revisionist thing doesn't necessarily solve the problem.

In fact, sometimes it can bury it. Yeah, but it's a different point you're making because you're talking about things that are actually referenced in the work itself which are no longer acceptable or like the N-word.

No, true. Right, but we're not talking about that. Michael Jackson never says ee-ee-ee shag the kid, does he? He doesn't know. He never does. He never sings that.

I didn't listen to All the Dangerous. There might have been a lyric in there. He doesn't sing that. Ben. Good. I put you up up up says he shag the kid does he don't know he never does he never sings all the dangerous there might have been a lyric in there doesn't sing that ben good i put you up go on go on i reckon he did he did things with that rat right great all right anyway so ben i back you up and put you in here's the thing ben you die and it gets me off I honestly believe it is up to the presenters of the radio shows and the thing to decide if they want to have it on their playlist I do believe there is a choice to be

said in the matter all I'm saying is if they really want to stick it to the Michael Jackson estate you can still benefit from music being played why not say because of the allegations because of this that and the other all the royalties from any songs go to a charity and that's like giving a get out for people to enjoy the music made by a molester it's such a weird way when you put it like that though because it's

true i mean again alleged alleged but he did it but but poor but poor this is what i mean there's a real gray area when it comes to the authorship of art in the first place. For example, the Jackson 5 thing. Yeah. You can argue... Did he write any of those songs? No. Okay. I don't know.

That's what I mean. He is just the lead singer on that single, like I Want You Back. Yeah. He's not the only singer on it. No. He doesn't play any

of the instruments on it. No. He did not write the song. He did not produce the song. He didn't... You know what I mean? So why is that now? That's out of bounds as well.

But then this is the thing. It's like the Simpsons episode being dropped with Michael Jackson voiced, you know? And people forget he also wrote Do The Bartman. And when that gets out, is that going to be the next casualty to pop culture history? It's all very, it's no, you can't say a blanket thing about whether you should

or shouldn't listen to the stuff. It's like, well, here's the thing though. What about Mozart? He did some bad shit, didn't he? Or could have. Do you see what I mean? What if it was a composer? Do you not ever listen to the stuff. Well, here's the thing, though. What about Mozart? He did some bad shit, didn't he? Or could have. Do you see what I mean? What if it was a composer? Do you not ever listen to the compositions?

You know? And where does it start? Where does it end? Where does it stop? John Lennon beat his wife numerously. To a pulp, apparently. Not to a literal pulp. No.

Well, he wasn't the nicest person. I never can recognise the man along with the music. It seems like he said one thing and did another. That's my personal preference. Anyway, I'm happy not to play Michael Jackson because I'm fucking sick and tired of the two

Michael Jackson tunes. ABC and I Want You Back. Fucking hell, God. I mean, maybe. Look, as I say, I don't think you can get rid of stuff like that, but I think you have to

put it into context. It's like Gary Glitter. So many sports stadiums in America played, you know, like, come on, come on, whatever it's fucking called. I'm the leader.

Yeah, all that stuff. And then he's a massive horrible, horrible and confirmed nonce. Yeah, terrible man. Again, you can't play stuff on the radio. But it seems easier to say that for his music because it seems like it's more throwaway. Yes. But that's what I mean. It's unprecedented in that Michael Jackson isn't just like a very popular musician.

He was a huge cultural phenomenon. Yeah. The likes of which we haven't even seen anyone that big. Yeah, the last podcast said recently, they did a little thing about the documentary, and they said he was the last of the celebrities, the proper celebrities, the untouchable, unknowable celebrity.

Because back in the day, he was like, oh, I never knew Humphrey Bogart, or I never knew Clark Gable and Hitchcock, because they were so big and big characters. But now it's like, oh, I never knew Humphrey Bogart. I never knew Clark Gable and Hitchcock. Because they were so big and big characters. But now it's like, oh, I'll just tweet Stephen Fry and call him a cunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that kind of thing. So that's Bled.

So he's the last of a kind. But he was a huge cultural phenomenon. He was the king of pop. He was the biggest pop star ever. One of the biggest albums of all time. So it's strange that we're just going to, what, excise his whole body of work from... It's not as easy. Gary Glitter was big in the 70s for a couple of years

and had a couple of three, four big numbers. Do you know what I mean? But no one gives a shit. And it's like Savile. In fact, all the people that sold shit with Utrecht, it's like you exercise all those TV shows, you exercise all that radio broad. But there's no argument.

No one would say Savile was a great artist. No, because he fucking wasn't. And he was a fucking hot monster. He did. I would just like, I just wanted to bring that up. The point being is that, do you know what this mic smells

from quite mildewy? It reminds me. Michael Jackson, basically in one word, plays music or banners music. I have no opinion one way or the other,

but I'm happy not to play it. Fine. If I'm asked to, you know. But you can always play it in your own time. I'm not like, you know, fight the power. I'm going to play Michael Jackson even though I was asked not to. This is the hill I die on. You know what I mean?

Fucking thriller. Yeah, exactly. I'm happy not to. Halloween has one less song to enjoy now this year. It certainly does. But here's an idea. How about we just get all the bands to cover all the songs and then re-release them?

And then you can just listen to those. Well, that's exactly my point. It's like get other bands to cover all the songs and then re-release them? And then you can just listen to those. Well, that's exactly my point. It's like, where is the moral value of that song? Where are you sinning? You can't play beat anymore. By listening to his version of Thriller? Or someone who's re-recorded the song

and they're benefiting from it? And also, didn't he do We Are The World? What do you do? What do you do? Port McCartney's gonna be angry. Why? That song you did with Michael Jackson. Can't do that anymore, can you? The girl is mine. And the other one. Ebony. No, that was with Stevie Wonder, you racist.

What's the next two songs? Right. Talking of replacing Michael Jackson's Thriller with a new Halloween horror classic. Horror classic. It's Orville's song by Keith Harris and Orville. Now, this is something that I remember quite clearly. And it is dog shit.

It's saccharine to the point of... Well, here's the thing. This is the period in British history where any celebrity, any light entertainer could probably use the song and have a half-decent hit with it. Yeah. So, it kind of, this isn't an anomaly. This was set up by songs

like Grandad We Love You by the St. Winifred Girls voice choir, which had the actor in from Dad's Army playing the granddad role in the video. Yeah.

And then there was something else I can't remember right now, but those saccharine child-friendly vinyl almost the novelty hit. They're novelty hits. Leads to Orville's song.

This is a novelty song. So before we play it because I think it needs context for those who don't know who Keith Harris and Orville is Keith Harris is a ventriloquist. And he has a puppet

that's a green a disgustingly kind of pea green duck baby with a bow tie puppet. It is a duckling. Yeah. Duckling is the word for that. Duck baby is a duckling, Paul.

And he goes, oh. And what do you call a shop where you get pharmaceuticals? Duckling shop. So Allville is the name of the duck. Keith Harris is the name of the puppeteer. And the idea is their whole act is he goes oh he's very gentle and he's a very he's a baby duck

isn't he oh don't you like me yeah he's insecure what a horrible fucking idea for a character anyway he's an insecure baby duck

it all led because it was a successful kids TV show and a live act as well you know he obviously did the work in men's clubs what was the format of the TV show

just come out and have a conversation with Orville. Again, a kid's show. Yeah, sketches. But he had another character. Well, let's just get this out of the way.

So, with all that said, the success of his TV show led to this single and this is that single. I'm sorry. I wish I could fly way up to the sky but I can't.

You can? I can't. I wish I could see what folks see in me but I can't you can i can't i wish i could see what folks see in me but i can't you can i can't nothing that you can say we change how i feel today i know that we're never apart now hear what i'm saying oh who is your very best friend i'm gonna help you your broken heart thank you i wish that i had a mummy and dad, but I don't. You don't? I don't.

Makes me want to pull out my fucking ears. Let's have a bit of the B-side as well, Paul. No, can we just talk about the A-side? Let's have a bit of the B-side. Just for a little bit first. Let's have a bit of the B-side. Come on. We will.

No, don't click your fingers. That's what I do. Come on. You need to take a don't click your fingers. That's what I do. Come on. You need to take a part. Can I just say as well, pictures on the website, of course, yeah. It looks like he's got

some kind of disease where his cheeks are very, they look like bollocks. Yeah, jaundice or something. Yeah. Not jaundice. That's when you turn yellow. They were bollocks

because that's where he puts his meat and junk in every night after a show. His cheeks look like gonads. Yeah, orvilles. Yeah, he's very jowly. It's not just jowl. It cheeks look like gonads. Yeah, Orville's. Yeah, he's very jowly. It's not just jowl, it's a big ball shape.

Yeah, it's a great big round ball with cheeks. Now, that song is appalling because it trades on the aren't we family friendly and isn't it lovely? And the character of Orville in the song is fucking pathetic. It just won't fly. I wish I could fly right up to the sky, but I can't. You can. No, I can't. No, you actually physically can.

Oh, I can't. You know what I mean? A couple of years of living with that. Yeah, just be like, fuck it, I don't want to hear it, Paulville. Mate, fucking... I don't want to hear it. You can. You've been to the doctor.

He's checked your wings. Oh. You can fly. I can't. You can. I can't. No, but you actually can. I can't.

All right, I'm fucking chucking you out the top of this building. Oh. Come with me. No, I think I can. I've got you by the neck. I think I can. I can. No, but you actually can. I can. All right, I'm fucking chucking you out the top of this building. Oh. Come with me. No, I think I can. I've got you by the neck. I think I can. Yeah, you fucking can, you. Can you?

Oh, he couldn't. No, he couldn't. All right, couldn't fly. It's just that character's so awful. It's sickly sweet. And then it's like he's playing, it's like an attention seeker. It's like, no one loves me.

And then he has to sing the part. He goes, Orville, who is your very best friend? You are. Yeah. I'm going to help you mend that broken arse. Heart. Heart. I didn't say arse

Oh, their children are from What? They are It's exactly the same Little Gimmick As the Grandad We Love You song Because look

On the B side Keith, Harrison, Orville I didn't Yeah, which we'll play in a minute Don't worry, we'll get there It's Keith Because the A side is just Keith, Harrison and Orville I didn't. Yeah, which we'll play in a minute, don't worry, we'll get there. Because the A side's just Keith Harris and Orville but the B side is Keith Harris and Orville

with the children from Alfarthing Primary School, Wandsworth. Can you imagine the day when the headmaster came in and went, alright school, settle down, we've got a big announcement today, you're going to be on a pop record

oh and you're going to be successful and we're going to get all the choir to sing around but who is it is it Michael Jackson no no

no is it Gary Glitter no Jonathan King no oh is it is it anyone else

no is it is it Transmission Van no it's Keith Harrison it... Is it Transmission Fam? No, it's Keith Harrison. I fancy her from Transmission Fam. I really fancy her. You're 10.

I really... Well, I'm a man. No, you're not a man. It's a girls' school anyway, isn't it? I don't know what I'm doing here. What are you doing? What's gone? What's going on?

I just fancy her out of Transmission Fam. Why are you... You're a 40-year-old man. Get out of here. Sorry. Get out. You've got a beard. Alright, bye. So, the point I'm trying to make

is, it's just such an insipid character. Such a horrible thing. Lyrics are horrible. Terrible. The B-side. I didn't. It sounds like this. Who will we love?

Please don't fly away. Ooh, Bill, we love you, and we want you to stay. I get very shy. I feel very lonely. Oh, I wish I could fly. I once met. Honestly, I didn't. I would have done. And I could have done, yeah. But I didn't. No, I didn't. I get upset sometimes. No, I think, by by a margin it's better. It's a better song.

Why? Do you like the choir? No, it's just a little less fucking awful to listen to. Yeah, it's a little less annoying. Hang on. I need to find the lyrics to this. 82 this record is from. 1982.

That's about right. I didn't lyrics. Oh. this record is from 1982 that's about right I didn't lyrics Orville

oh what what this article that came up by accident when I was just scrolling

through Daily Mail Keith Harris loved all the duck more than his wife oh god oh no

they've only got Orville's lyrics. Oh, I wish I could fly. Fuck it, then. Fuck it. Anyway, it's abysmal. I used to amuse me when I was younger, Paul, to think of this and think of him saying,

instead of I wish I could fly, something like, I've done a big poo up in my pants and it's dripping. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Oh, yeah, watch it. I've shat out my coaca. Who is your very best friend? Not you.

Fuck off. That's over. Yeah. Anyway. And he had another character. What was his other character called, Paul? Monkey. Bob the Monkey?

Chuckles? Chuckles. Was it Chuckles? I think it was. And he was a bit more surly, wasn't he, Chuckles? And he hated the duck. I ate that duck. That's basically what he said.

And he was a naughty ginger monkey thing. Like those cheap monkey puppets you could buy. It was kind of like that, but with a face that did a whole gurning thing with its eyes. It crossed its eyes. And he was better than Orville, though, wasn't he? I remember watching the TV show and thinking, thank God the fucking monkey's on, because Orville was doing my nothing. But I kind of wonder

if that monkey was his way of expressing his hatred for his own creation. Probably. Because there's a song on the album that this comes from called,

I think it's something like Keith Harris Over the Rainbow or something awful like that. So it's not, Orville isn't one of the authors of the album, it's just Keith Harris, is it?

I think it's Keith Harris and Orville's Over the Rainbow. It's some awful title like that. There's a track on it called I Ate That Duck and it's like Keith Harris. I think it's Keith Harris and Orville's Over the Rainbow. It's some Orville title like that. There's a track on it called I Ate That Duck and it's like Oh I ate that duck he gets on me nerves

I want to strangle him with a punch him in the face and you think is that monkey talking or is that Keith talking? Because Keith had a bit of a falling out with Orville backstage

and he goes I'm going to get going to get chuckles out working out on stage my aggression. It's my turn and he goes, I'm going to get chuckles out working out on stage my aggression. Now, who's the other guy? sing this song and that duck and I just do not get along. Ripper! Ripper! Oh, he's cracking up.

Now, who was the other guy with Spit the Dog? All right, that was Bob Carol, geez. Who married Cilla Black? No, I don't believe he did. I thought he did. No, I don't think he did. She had a husband called Bobby.

Yeah, wasn't he Bob Carol, geez? No. No. They're all dead. God, I have to believe him. Thanks, man. No, he's dead. Keith Harris is dead as well, isn't he Bob Carolgees? No. They're all dead. God, I have to believe you. Keith Harris is dead as well, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Orville is. Do you think Orville popped up at his

funeral? I wish you weren't dead but you are. I'm not. I faked my death so I couldn't stop doing you. Oh. Right, that's all very in very poor taste. So, you think I've all come out with industry secrets one day? Harris was

constantly putting his arm up my arse. And then... That's a bad joke. It's a bad joke. Let's go on to our third and final platter today. And for our third platter here on the Splatter Platters today, Paul, not the voice of Richard Brownoff at all, it's me, DJ Brownoff at all. It's me,

DJ Eli. DJ Eli. It's funny how new characters you create and I hate them all. Oh, you can shut up, Paul. After the news, DJ Eli. And now on the Splatter Platter of the hour. Fucking hell.

Coming. Just fucking read it out. Coming up on the hour From Splatterplatters Silverman's Platters Oh god this drone's on Girls get in free all night It's Swap Shop From the BBC TV series

Swap Shop We've got two BBC ones Orville's song is BBC record You got that character fucking quick No we're into the segment now He was just introducing the segment. Never do it again. Never do that. I'm going to do it now. Do it again. I'm just about to do it. What's going to happen if it happens?

What's going to happen if it happens? I don't know. You tell me. You tell me. Show don't tell. You tell me. Come on. Silverman's bladders. Fuck off. Come on, Paul. Shut up. Seriously, I will punch you. No, who cares?

I care. Just stop it. We've eaten in two minutes over this. I'll give you a fucking punch. No. I ate that duck. Look, Paul, this is another single on the BBC Records label that Harris also, because I believe he was in the arms of BBC at that time.

Keith Harris was on the BBC. Yeah. And so was this programme, Paul. Swap Shop. So here's the next song. It's called... Well, it's not Swap Shop. It is from Swap Shop,

but the single's not called Swap Shop. It's called I Wanna Be A Winner forward slash hello, hello bracket Swap Shop. That's the B-side.

What's wrong with you? What's that? I don't know. The song is called I Want To Be A Winner, and the band is called Brown Sauce. The B-side is the Swap Shop theme. Oh, I see. Sorry.

It's quite confusing, the formatting on the end. Yeah. No, I agree. An idiot like you can't understand that. And it has a picture of the Swap Shop band. Of the Brown sauce band. And they weren't a real band, were they, Paul? No, they were drummed up for a TV show,

Saturday Morning Kids show called Swap Shop. And let's hear a bit of it right now. Don't want to dance like Fred Steele Be like Superman through the air Don't want to join Claire Francis in the Riggins. Pop the black with Hurricane Higgins. Don't want to ride like Willie Carson.

Be a bishop or an important parson. Don't want to hit Jeff up the floor. Knock my hammer daddy on the floor. I just want to be a winner. Just a little Oscar please. I just want to be a winner. Or a possible beast. I just want to be a win. See one, feel one, touch one. See one, feel one, winner of the world. Awful, gash, gash awful. It's like I was saying to you, it's a bit glam,

but the glam that's filtered down as it got distilled for the 70s. It is a glam rock, sort of glam rock style composition. But the family-friendly Saturday morning version of it. Which is, and this is sort of early 80s as well, isn't it? What year? Does it have the year on? 81. 81, the year before Orville.

Just. Now, I collect BBC records, singles, but not these kind. Why not? Because it's not very good. It's not good to listen to. I like stuff that has the radio phonic orchestra on. Okay, and the TV theme stuff. Or obscure TV theme stuff.

Or stuff that came out on Netflix. Airport. Airport, was it? That's not on the BBC, no. But I have that one, Gangsters, which was a BBC, on a label called Beeb, The Beeb. They also, the BBC had a sub-label called The Beeb or Beeb

that was the least music yeah oh okay I did not know that I've got a couple on it maybe we could discuss those ones I wonder who invented the word Beeb to talk about the BBC

well it's just because it's just because Beeb Beeb Sea I wonder how it was first coined how it became Beeb way back then

they did have a label with a B anyway this is on that label as well, which I love. And there was a book out listing every single seven-inch single released on the BBC records. Oh, wow. And that would have been included, like, in your record? Of course, yeah.

So, there's a lot of shit ones like this. But the reason why we like it so much, and the reason why we find it such a beautiful find in a charity shop in Finchley Road in London, was that Band consists of the hosts of Swap Shop, which were Maggie Philbin, Keith Chegwin, and Noel Edmonds. The Edmonds, the Edmonds, the Edmonds. In fact, if you listen to the chorus again, you can hear him say,

I wanna be. He says that bit, I wanna be. He does the baritone, the bass singing. I've got some facts on the song. Would you like to hear them? Sure. Brown Sauce, pop band, because they thought it was funny, Brown Sauce. Why is got some facts on the song. Would you like to hear them? Sure. Brown Sauce, pop band, because they thought it was funny,

Brown Sauce. Why is that funny? It's not. That's not my point. It's not funny. It's not funny. Brown Sauce is a pop band made up of presenters

from the television show The Multicoloured Swap Shop. Now, just for a bit of clarification, Saturday morning TV show, popular at the BBC to do those things in the morning, kids TV. It was basically a kind of thing

where chaps would interview celebrities, cartoons, and also kids could swap items with other people watching the show. And it went on for hours. I've got a rally bike I want to swap for a board game with Cluedo. I've got 700 shows of Escort in the back of a van.

I've got a carpet sweeper. I'd like to swap it for a pair of satin red knickers. It is magic. It's magic. It's got a donkey in it. Anyway, these were Keith Cheggman, Maggie Philbin and Noel Edmonds. They formed for a one-off single in late 1980.

This is it. Yeah, called I Wanna Be A Winner. Late 1980. And it became a big hit. And they released a second in 1982, but it failed to make an impact. Oh, we need to get that. What was their second single called? I'll get to it in a big hit and they released a second in 1982 but it failed to make an impact oh we need to get that what was their second single called? I'll get to it in a second

one sec so the show was running from 78 81 they released a song meant to be a novelty written by B.A. Robertson he is a name

because he's written a couple of other songs he's written for ABBA one or two songs for ABBA but the one you might recognise that he co-wrote was The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics.

Ah. Play it loud. Play it clear. That one. It's about, which is about your dad dying. Fun times. Isn't it?

Yeah. So he wrote that, co-wrote that song. And he definitely, I've been in charity shops and I've seen singles by B.A. Robertson. Oh, really?

He released his own pop singles. Yeah, he was an actor as well. He also released his own music and he wrote for other bands and things like that. The song got to number 15 in the singles chart in 82. January 82.

Which doesn't sound a lot, but would probably... Back then, would make quite a lot of money, yeah. If you broke the top 40 back then, that was a big deal. You made some money, yeah. The song remained on the UK charts

for 12 weeks. Hanging around like a bad fart. In the song, they mention people like Princess Diana, Barbara Woodhouse, Kevin Keegan, Frank Boff. Frank Boff's the guy we're going to have to cover at some point, along with David Icke. Sports presenters who have fallen from grace. Yeah, but at least Icke's still got a career. True. Boff's dead.

Anyway, hang on, I haven't finished reading this. The song was performed by Chegwin and Philbin, who jointly shared the lead vocals, but they could neither play any instruments. Which is a lie on the cover. As you'll see, if you look on the pictures on our website... The video depicted them playing guitars with Edmonds on drums. Edmonds on

drums. Edmonds on drums. And the B-side was called Hello Hello, which is the theme tune to the TV show. The follow-up was released in March 82 under the new name of the band, The Sources. This time, Edmonds. As in The Sources. Yes. Right, so there's a continuity there.

Yeah. So they had a song called Spring Has Sprung in 82. We need a copy of that. The band was formed without Edmonds. Edmonds was left out in the cold. It's like, come on, next single, next single, come on. Oh, well, I don't know where the direction would go with it. can you imagine that Edmonds was left out in the cold it's like come on next single next single come on oh well I don't know

where the direction would go in it doesn't really involve a mad cunt like you yeah you know you didn't even

fake play the drums well he really doesn't look on this picture on the cover he's like but you know they made the song super simple

so they could at least get away with miming it the drum beat to that it is super simple it's just I just had one more point about the glam thing yeah

as we were saying earlier Paul it's like they were so out of date with what was current that they still thought like glam rock was still a sort of

popular format yeah a popular genre of music by that time it was more acceptable it was more family friendly by that time

which is what happens to all sort of edgy... Yeah, like punk. Punk becomes... Yeah. Punk sold out. Totally, yeah. You know,

but it becomes... Not universally, but... It happens in later years. It becomes advert music. Yeah. It becomes TV music. Like when you hear drum and bass advertising

DHS couches or whatever. Or dubstep. Yeah. You get dubstep advertising DFS. Boom. Wub, wub, wub. Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub.

50% sale. Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub. Buy now, pay later. Buy now, pay later. Buy now, pay later. Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub. So it's interesting to me because the height of glam rock and that sound with bands like Mud, The Sweet and Slade yeah

would have been 73 73, 74 which is like almost 10 years before this came out and this is like Diet Sweet yeah

because it's got the first few seconds you think let's go write this it's got a nice kind of bassy kind of then they start singing

and you think oh it's Gash yeah they don't sing very well they're not good singers but but Chegwin apparently was in a few bands in the 70s hee hee I can kinda sing why don't sing very well. They're not good singers. But Chegwin apparently was in a few bands in the 70s.

Hee hee! I can kind of sing! Why don't I? No. Why don't I sing with Maggie? Don't sing with Maggie. Were they married at that time, Maggie Philbin and Keith Chegwin? I don't know.

I didn't know they were an item. But they were like a cut. We've mentioned this, but they are like a second rate Mike Smith and Sarah Green. Sarah Green. Or a cut price Richard and Judy. Richard and Judy. Richard and Judy were nowhere then. No.

They would have been nowhere. They were a blip on the Manchester news reporting scene. So are we going to listen to a bit of the... We've played it a bit, haven't we, already? We've only played one. Are we going to have a bit of the... Well, let's play the B-side, which is the theme. Which is the actual theme.

If I haven't played it yet... Here it is. I'll find a place to cut it in earlier. So I've done it already. I don't know. I'm confused by time now. Paul, dates. They're the numbers that we put in front of days. Winky. It's a winky.

No. Winky. Winky. Winky. Can I just say about Winky? There will be a big reveal of the English language version of Winky. And it will be on a very special episode. That's all I'm going to say.

That's coming up. Okay, good. April. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you for listening and supporting the Tuesday podcast. so now we're doing Silverman's Platters, which is where Winky arrived, but we're going to have part of the actual theme tune to the Swap Shop.

And also, this is late in the Swap Shop's run because they've dropped the multicoloured bit and it is just Swap Shop. Racist. Stop picking your nose. A big bogey came out by accident. And you call me disgusting. Here, have my snot vest.

Oh, he's eating it. He's eating it, ladies and gentlemen. He didn't want the snot vest. Snot till it leaks all on your face. Wipe it down with your clothes. And so there's a bit of the flip side, which is the theme. And that is a very poor sort of disco calypso with a steel drum synth mask thing. And the thing is, you listen to it and it's obviously bedding music.

It's music you talk over. Once the big theme drops, you just go, coming up on the show today. And it has a bit, quite a nice bit of electric guitar. It's your favourite bit. That's my favourite bit of the song. And you've got the... Paid a pound for it, didn't I? 50p. 50p, not bad.

I also bought Dennis Waterman's I Could Be So Good For You. Just because you wanted a copy. I wanted a copy. We've covered that on the show. So, it's not a very good record, Dan. Well, here's the thing. We used to rate them in the past.

Now we're just going to rip off Red Letter Media. What's the best of the three that we've got? Well, we haven't done the third one. Oh, yes, we have. Yeah, we have. What's the best as in what? Out of the three. Out of the three.

That I'd like to listen to? Yeah. But what do you think is the best. I've played this on my radio show, on Soho Radio. Oh. Two till four, every two Sundays. The House of Pickles sound show. Every other Sunday.

With myself, Eli Silverman, and you and the Bruce. It's not that good. Shut up, Paul. Great music, but their banter's fucking painful. Shut up, Paul. Right. Oh, there's only one needle. Paul's having a shit. You really was in that, didn't you. Oh, there's only one needle. Paul's having a shit.

You really was in that, didn't you? Yeah, I do. You've cross-moiled me, basically. Sorry. The drumming on the Energizer is actually pretty funky. It's pretty good. Musically, I think that's the best quality. I hate the song. The B-side is probably the best part of all of it.

It's quite good, the B-side. Although, if we're going to do it that way, then I would say the B-Side of Swap Shop's probably the next best thing I'd listen to. I basically agree with you on that choice. Of the best of those three choices, that's the one I'm going to go for. Musically, the Energizers is definitely the best. Most satisfying as a song.

So which one do we destroy? We could destroy Orville. Yeah, we fucking destroy Orville. He's so nasty. I hate it. It's so sickly. It's creepy. It makes me feel creepy and wrong for I hate it. It's so sickly. It's creepy. It makes me feel creepy and wrong for listening to it.

It feels insincere as well, which is the worst thing. Obviously, it's hard to be sincere when half the singing duo is a fucking green duck with a baby's voice. And cheeks for bollocks. Bollocks for cheeks. Bollock cheeks. Bollock-cheeked duck bitch. Imagine that coming for you in the middle of the night. You're just lying there in the bed and you see Orville.

I wish I could gobble your knob off in your sleep, but I can't. Who stabbed Keith Harris? Did you do it, Orville? I didn't. There. I ate that duck. Yeah. So that's Silverman's Platters.

It's hard to live up to, Winky. Oh, I've just fantasised a version of Columbo, where Columbo's played by Chuckles the monkey and the murderer is Orville and Chuckles is hounding him the whole episode. Just one more thing. What would you... What?

I wish I could fly. I hate that. Just one more thing, madam. Ah, yes, that's right. Would you like me to light your... Oh, the light is what you killed him with. I saw it. Oh, no.

We were looking for that and it looks exactly like the murder weapon. I think I can fly out of here. Shoot that duck. Bang. I could fly, but I couldn't. And now I'm dead. You've ruined the bit.

I've ruined what bit? When he says just one more thing. This segment. I've ruined this segment. You've ruined this segment. You've ruined this show. Right, good. You've ruined the whole show.

On that bombshell. Don think you've ruined this segment. You've ruined this show. Right, good. You've ruined the whole show. On that bombshell. Don't say that. Next section. Ladies and gentlemen, oh, it's exciting. It's Ganon's golden games. Games, golden games, golden games. I love this part of the podcast.

This is the part of the podcast where I've gone through it to a charity shop, found a board game game a Thor. That's a lot of fun. Let's play that. Ganon's Golden Games. Don't you do it. It's Ganon's Golden Games.

Right, this stops because it's just annoying me and I don't want it. And you will stop it because Ganon's Golden Games is a beautiful part of the show and one that I think shouldn't be besmirched. I totally agree, Paul. It's Ganon's Golden Games. You're twat sometimes. I'm just trying. Look, I'm setting a timer.

Oh, I've done for two seconds now. For Ganon's Golden Games. Ladies and gentlemen. How long have we got to play? Fuck off. Ganon's Golden Games. Well, today we are playing a game called Ganon's Golden Games. You can't punch me though, can you?

You can't punch me though. Because there's a board between us.on's Golden Game! You can't punch me, though, can you? You can't punch me, though. Because there's a board between us. There's a board between us. There's a board between us. Now, Paul, this is a new game, isn't it? No, it's quite old, this one. Is it really? I think it's...

What's the copyright say on this? Because I... It doesn't say. My friend who works in games, he works for a poker website, has got a lot of interest in games. He did a deal with a friend of his son's that he'd buy it for them for Christmas and vice versa, this game, because they wanted it.

The kids wanted it. It's a great game. Why would they want this game? Have I said what the game is yet, what we're playing? No. Ganon's Golden Games! Today on Ganon's Golden Games Games I went to a charity shop and bought a game

that I've seen on sale in this condition because this was mint mint on card like 25 quid they were in the cards but it's still in the cards I got it for 3 quid

mint 3 quid and how much does it retail for like 25 I literally just fucking said Ganon's Golden Games that's because that's why you didn't

fucking listen because you keep doing your fucking little thing you nasty dirty every time scrubby little scouring pad of a human being. You are going to be responsible directly for my death, just so you know. No, this game is not new. It's not new.

I don't know the exact date. I could look it up, but I'm not going to. You think it's, what, 20 years old? At least. Do you know why I know? Why? Game Boy. You could get Scotland Yard for the exact date. I could look it up. You think it's, what, 20 years old? At least. Do you know why I know? Why? Game Boy. You could get Scotland Yard for the Game Boy.

Aha. So at least 1989 it's been out since. Yes, and Scotland Yard is quite, itself is no longer where the headquarters of the Metropolitan Police are, or they're moving or whatever. So it's sort of, they wouldn't have called it

if it came out very recently. They probably wouldn't have used that term. No. It's called Scotland that term no it's called scotland yard because it's a police chasing game the basic gist of the game is one of us is a criminal on the run and the other plays the detectives and the police chasing down that criminal so it's um asymmetric in terms of fucking asymmetric it is asymmetric you made a big point of this before we started recording like blockbuster it is it asymmetrical it's asymmetrical what context are you using

as in like like blockbusters where you'd had two versus one it's uneven yeah that's what asymmetrical

yeah but the person who's on the back foot gets the advantage of not being able to be seen on the board to move and like the person who was the single player

on blockbusters had the advantage of not having to move as many blocks across the board exactly so it's a classic

asymmetrics game. Eli and I have gone for the rules very, very quickly. I'm sure he's got a reasonably good grasp of them, but here's the gist of it in a nutshell. I'm going to be playing four of these characters, two are police, two are detectives. Detectives could only move around the board based on their tickets.

They have a bus ticket, a train ticket, and a taxi ticket. The map that we have to play on... It's a map of London. ...is a map of London. It's central London. And every row's got colour lines train ticket, and a taxi ticket. The map that we have to play on is a map of London. It's central London. And every road's got colour lines on it, like a tube map. So between streets and intersections, there are red and blue and yellow lines. It's got Tate Britain on it.

Yeah. So yellow is a taxi move. Blue is a bus ticket move. And red, which is the longest distance, is a train ticket, red ticket. Tube. Yeah. Red tube. Right. Red tube. Right?

Red tube? Did you just say red tube? Because it's got a little bone on. So that's how you move around the board one step at a time using these train tickets. The villain is not on the board. I'll be playing the villain. Of course. And I'm playing the copper.

And you move around the board. You're playing two detectives and two coppers. Yeah, you move around the board invisibly. However, at certain stages in the game, you have to reveal yourself. It doesn't mean getting your winky out. It just means you show where you are. Because you bought the winky without getting me a winky. No one got me a winky. I found winky.

If it wasn't for me, there'd be no winky. So? You didn't do the leg work. Yeah, but if you did the leg work. No one would know about Winky. No, it's true. I deserve a Winky. But you just got your Winky out and left it there.

The rest of us went looking for more Winky after you left us hungry for your Winky. And so now we had to go get some Winky elsewhere. It's not our problem if you don't give us the whole Winky. Can you just explain the rules of the game? Just give us the tip of your Winky. Explain the rules of the game. So, you move first and then I move my four characters

two detectives two police right simple the idea is you've got to avoid me I can't see where you are but you can see where I am and how does this one

win the game when they're not doing a truncated version as we are here today on Ganon's Golden Game we're giving ourselves a 20 minute limit

on this when you're playing it normally you'd have I think 24 moves 24 yeah so you have to you have to do the whole it normally you'd have I think 24 moves 24 yeah so you have to you have to do the whole 24 moves so you have to survive

24 moves without being caught so if you move and then I move mine on your last go but my last character gets you then you win then you still win

so that's how that works oh I still win no I still win but you lose even though you've moved theoretically on your last move to a safe place you see what I'm saying

yes I'm saying so Ela has some special moves which we'll get to during the game, but they give him a little bit of advantage. And that's it. So, at the start of the game, I gave myself four characters.

Eli's got one. Now, I had to find some starting positions. So, I randomly picked out of it from some cards. And I randomly picked one, which you don't get to see. I don't get to see. You don't get to see

where the criminal's been. I only get to see your third, eighth, what is it, 13th move? Yeah, and 18th and 24th. All right, so I only know on the board where you are and act like, oh, he's over there, so I can stop migrating my people over there from too far away. By then I will have moved. You just don't know.

You also have a double move card, which allows you to move two spacers on one go. Do I have to move every go, or can I go, I won't move? I think you have to move every time, because I think it fudgesges it because you still have to show on your grid if it took a bus then a train and a taxi so even though i won't know where you are on the board your grid will still show me what transport you're moving in it's a bit visual but we're going to pep it up with a bit of action that's what we're going to do in it and also if you're very lucky and you're a patreon person you can see us playing the game because I'm filming it right now with my camera.

And you might even get to see a little snifter of the filth that is the House of Pickles. So you need an excuse to be a Patreon. Now you got it. Now you can see us play this game. Although, sadly, they've just been looking at that for five minutes, seven minutes exactly. Or maybe longer. Sorry. We're sorry.

That's not right. He's doing a wanking sign. I am going to now... We're not going to do any spoff today. Wanking's not. You can go on full wank without emitting diodes. Emitting diodes. Right, so I'm going to start moving my character.

See, I've got four because I'm playing two cops and two detectives. The cops can move anywhere without having a ticket. That is why they have a little multicoloured skirt on. Yeah. Whereas the detectives, these two characters, blue and green, and they can only move on the ticket system. And I have 22 taxi, 16 bus, and 8

train. Once I'm out of those, that's it. I'm out. If you were playing this normally, you would be played by at least two players. Yeah, if there was more players, they'd be detectives and coppers. You'd be cooperating. Yeah. So I'm cooperating with myself right now. Oh players. Yeah, if there was more players, they'd be technically co-operating. Yeah. So I'm co-operating with myself right now. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So. Oh, yeah. What does that even do? That's awful. Oh, yeah. So we're going to play. Gannis Golden Games.

It's Scotland Yard and the chase is on. Gannis Golden Games. Gannis Golden. Right. And the chase is on. Gal is golden, guys. Gal is golden. Right, Liz. Right, so. Gal is golden. Guys. Right, we need to start the actual game now.

Because I'm starting the timer. 20 minutes, right? Gal is golden. You can fucking stop that. Seriously. It's actually genuinely getting to the point where I might smash this game up and just chin you. I'm genuinely fucking getting angry about it.

Oh, good. You ready? Time starts. Now. You ain't never gonna fucking find me, copper. Right, officer, I am PC Plod, and I'm gonna catch this criminal. Right, so I'm gonna put my men on the scene

throughout London. You, policeman Plod, you go to space 91. Where's that? 40, 60, 40, 70. Can you see 91 over there? Where is it? Oh, yeah, 90. I should have done this first before we fucking started.

92 is there. Where's 91? Where's 91? You can keep saying that, Paul. Where's 91? 91. Over here for some fucking reason. It must be connected by something. Right, so that's that.

Right. PC Constable Dirty Biscuits. You go over to 174. Why biscuits? Why? Because I have a very limited imagination. You fucking do, don't you? 174.

Where is it? Find 174. 179. This is really interesting to everyone. I should have done this before. 16. You're not helping. I know.

What am I meant to do? Look for 174. I know, what am I going to do? Look for 174. Gannon's Golden Games! Shut up, 138. Where's 138? Is this the game? It is. Find the numbers, yeah?

You've just knocked them and they've fallen on the floor! Pick it up. Sorry. This is the worst Gallon's Golden Games ever. Now I literally don't know where I've just... Pick it up. Pick it up.

I can't reach it because it's a fucking tiny, dirty little bedroom. All right. Move that. Take care. Ah, fuck it. I'm going there. I'm going there. I'm going there.

I'm going there. Fuck these cards. Fuck them. Okay. Fuck that. It doesn't fucking matter. Stupid fucking game. Do you know where your starting space is?

Yes. Do you know exactly on the board where you're starting? Don't tell me. Keep it to yourself. Do you know where it is? Christ, what a fucking shit show. No. I'm just going to have to look,

aren't I? Yeah, I'll close my eyes so you can see. Who thought the hardest part of this fucking game was just... You got it?

Yeah. Alright, you ready to go? I'm ready. You got it? Yeah. Alright, you ready to go? I'm ready. You got your pencil, you got your pad, you got everything behind

you. I got my pad. Yeah. Right, the crime is afoot. The game is afoot. Yeah, that thing. Right, officers, we have been told that Mr X is on the prowl in London and we must stop him before he gets out.

Oh, wait, he's on the phone right now. Hello? Is that the fucking pigs? Yes, it is. Well, you ain't never going to get me. We'll get you. Don't you worry about that. I'll be taking all two times of transport.

I'll go here. I'll go there. You ain't never seen me, mate. You, sir, are a scallion and a scoundrel. And I shall find you. I'm a scallion? Yeah, a scallion. As in what?

A spring onion? Yeah, you're a spring onion, sir. Well, you are a green onion. Oh. I mean, you're a red onion. Sam. Well, you are a green onion. Oh. I mean, you're a red onion. Oh. There you match. Let's crack on.

You make me cry. Right. You cut into you, you make me cry. Right, we've got 90 minutes. Let's start fucking moving this because we haven't got much time and I want to catch your criminal. Right, so,

I will... You do your first move, so... What do I do? Well, basically, you say... You ain't never going to get me, cop-out. You say, right, if you're going to take a train, bus or tube, and then you write in your little circle

the square you go to, and then you put in a card from up there, you put a card over that that covers the transport. So, if you go taxi, then you write the number to the square you went to, and you say you went there by taxi. Right? I do like him. He's dirty. So, I have to tell you what form of transport I've taken?

Yeah, but only because you show it on your grid. You put that card on your grid to cover up the number of the square you go to. Well, I write like him. He's dirty. So I have to tell you what form of transport I've taken? Yeah, but only because you show it on your grid. You put that card on your grid to cover up the number of the square you go to. Well, I write the number. So let's just say you go to 170 next. You write 170 and you put a taxi card over the top of it because you went from there to there. Oh, where was I again? I don't know. Fuck.

This. Oh. Genuinely. I'm close to busting something. No, don't. Just calm down, man. Right. Have you moved then? No, I'm just. Oh, mate. All right close to busting something. No, don't. Just calm down, man. Right, have you moved then? No, I'm just...

Oh, mate. All right, all right. Yeah, I've moved. This criminal's taken his... So I write in the space for number one, I write where I've gone. Where you've gone, and then to cover it up, you put in the ticket card of the transport you used to get there. All right?

Didn't you just have a card in your hand? You did, you had a taxi one, didn't you? I didn't have a taxi one. All right, well, either way, if you went by taxi there or you went by bus what if i could get there via either of those means then it doesn't matter you can just pick one of them doesn't matter yeah i can still track you i can still track you sir by tracking your means of movement all right done it all right so oh he went by bus right so i'm going to oh where Right, so I'm going to... Oh, where should I go?

I'm going to... Oh, this cunt. He's too far fucking way. So I'm going to start moving him towards the tube station. So you, Mr. Blue, PC Blue, you go up one. You get a... And you've used one of your taxi tickets now. I used one of my taxi tickets.

I'm just going to put them there for now. Oh, I fucking not. And I'm going to move you to number eight, sir. You stay there. You're heading towards the tube. We're going to bring you into the action. Right. Now I've got him as well, my detective. Oh, you get loads of goes, do you? Yeah, I've got four. I've got to move. Fucking hell. I'll just have a little lie down.

Right. So I'm not at a tube station, so I can't use a tube. I can go one stop either way. So I'm going to go. I'm going to use another taxi. I have a lot of those. I have quite a lot of taxi tickets. So I'm going to use that. So I'm going to go. I'm going to use another taxi. I have a lot of those. I have quite a lot of taxi tickets. So I'm going to use that. And I'm going to move you one stop to number 71, sir. Good for you. Now, you

two coppers, where do you go? I tell you what, you're moving to the tube. So your next move is going there. And you, oh, you, Mr. Copper Red, you'll go to 128. So you don't have to spend tickets on those ones. I'm now at the Imperial Museum. You don't have to spend tickets on those ones I'm now at the Imperial you don't have to spend tickets for those ones

no no only the detectives because the police can go anywhere they've got a badge and they can go illou illou illou

let me on the train and they'll go yeah whereas detective they have to sign a form and expenses so they must use tickets and keep a record of them

right Nick make your next move sir this is probably the best character you've ever done you really might Let's get this on. I'm at the room. Come in, Charlie. Where are you?

I'm in the Imperial War Museum. What about you, Blue? I'm Blue. I'm at the Lord's Cricket Ground, sir. It's green. And he's the... He's me. The blue one's me. PC Bobby. Can I ask one of your PC Plod guys

Yeah What's your favourite dish E Let's be Avenue No that's where you live No no no Let's be Avenue No what

Yes What's your favourite food Your Nick No Irish stew Irish stew Irish stew Irish stew

Where do you live E Let's be Avenue Let's Me Avenue Let's Me Avenue Right Come on Sam We've got your next move You've got to know where you move to

And then how you got there Alright Alright Alright So you know You've got to keep your tracks out Of where you are This devilish

Cretin Oh he won't He won't Text me I've been on the force for too long Many years I've been beating the street Beating my meat on the street Down at my feet

Yo, yo, yo, yo Cup of rap Cup, cup, cup of rap Right If you're going to make a fucking move, sir How can you tell if you can get on the tube? It has to be red It's got to be red

So there are intersections Okay, but Okay There are intersections, sir Unless it's red You can't get on the tube No So you can't travel on the red line unless you get to a tube, sir.

That's how we do it in Britain. That's how we always do it. Now we always have done it, sir. Okay. Right. Here we go. He's going to write the number down and then take a ticket from the box and put it in your little grid.

Oh, he's taking a taxi now, is he? That's interesting. There we go. I'm taking a taxi. He's taking a taxi. But where to? I don't know. I've got to move my piece into force.

Right. Have you done your move? Yeah. And you've got... So he went by bus and by yellow taxi. So that's interesting. What would that mean? Bus by...

All right. Okay. Time to go. Let's move our detectives first. I'm going to move you on the blue line. No, it's spending the taxi on you. And I'll take you to a tube stop. So PC blue, there you go. You're on the tube. That's great for you on the next line. Oh, no. It's been another taxi on you. And I'll take you to a tube stop. So, PC Blue, there you go.

You're on the tube. That's great for you on the next move. Job done. Now, what about you, Detective Me? PC Bobby. Hello, hello, hello. I'm going to go. Oh, I'm going to go to the tube on my next move.

So, I'll go. I'll take a bus this time. Lovely London bus. I'll go upstairs and sit on the front seat and pretend to be driving. That's how we like to do it in Britain. Let's always have done it. It's lovely Britain. So you're moving to that.

To that. Excellent. And then my two coppers. Oh, I'm going to move you, PC Purplehead. You're going on the tube all the way to there. All the way. And finally, I'm going to move you, policemanemen onto that one. One, four, two. There we go. Excellent work. I've moved

my police in some order. So, right. This next move, your third, you have to move and then show me on the board where you are with your playing piece. Because these moves are the ones where you reveal yourself. Okay. Not really doing much of a character, Eli. I'm just

saying I'm doing all the character work right now. Alright then, Coppa. It's a meeting of minds, isn't it? The Great British Robber and the Great British Coppa. Listen.

Yes? I've been up the veras. Edie-boo. I've been round the... Ases. Round the ases. Yep. Come round here.

We've been playing for ten minutes and I don't think we've moved much. Come round here. Go round here. Come round here. Come round here. Go round here, Aziz. Yep. Come round here. We've been playing for ten minutes and I don't think we've moved much. Come round here. Go round here. Come round here. Come round here.

Go round here. Go round here and you come round here. Come round here. See how we get on with it. Do I put the ticket over this one? No, you don't. Put a ticket over that one. I need to use a ticket, don't I?

Oh, no, you do. You're right. Sorry, sir. I've got the rules all faddled. I need to use a fucking ticket. But you've got to put your character on the board where your next move is. All right.

There we go. Right. So where's he going to put a fucking ticket. You've got to put your character on the board where your next move is. All right, there we go. Right, so where's he going to put it? Right, he's going by bus to this spot. Right, and then you put your little playing piece on the board where you've just moved to. Holy bloody bloody. I can't believe it. I'm right under your nose, copper.

Yeah, so you've done... Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Bacon, sizzle, bacon sandwich. Baconle, bacon sizzle, bacon sandwich. Bacon sandwich, around here, come round here. Yeah. And now the character's really working.

Come round here, go round there. I come round here, I go round. Come round, go round. Come round here, go round there.

Come round here, go round there. You know what? Go round... Eli, I want you to pad this out. Come round here. With your cockney gang. I want you to pad this out. Come round here.

With your cockney gang. I want you to pad it out for as much as you possibly can. Come round here. Because if you think things through on this gameplay, right? If you think it through. Come round here. Do you know how chess works where you have to anticipate your next player's move? Yeah, that's why I've moved there.

Right, so where do you think he's going to move to next? Oh, shit. Where do you think PC Blue Bobby's going to go next? He's not going to catch me, though. He is, because it's my go to move these four characters, and you just moved yourself to a tube stop. Yes, you've just fucking lost, because you just moved yourself to a tube stop.

I'm next on the line. It's been a long day. I'm going to make a move to this. Quick, he's shown himself. Quick, all police. Quick, here we go. I'm going to make a move with this quick he's shown himself quick all police quick here we go I'm going to get

I'm going to save him till last this is the fucking beautiful right we know he's on the underground he's popped out

at the British Museum we'll catch him while he's not looking while he's looking at while he's looking at the bloody hoover with the fucking Mahmood evil hoover

the Mahmood hoover yeah is in the British Museum Carmoon Amun's hoover Carmoon's the hoover of Carmoon. Carmoon's Hoover. Carmoon's, the Hoover of Carmoon. So, PC Sparkly Bitch, you're going to take the tube one stop and you're going to go to there just outside Sherlock Holmes Museum.

I can't believe how stupid I am. Yep, I know, I'm milking this. So you go there. You get to spend a lovely day at the Sherlock Holmes Museum. Oh, can't believe it, Gaffney. It's my favourite place. Shut up. Dude, I'm milking this because you're a stupid, stupid cunt.

Fuck off. My police two detectives, since you can move anywhere on the board, where would you like to go? Oh, well, I'm at Buckingham Palace, sir. Maybe I should go to Green Park. Yeah, I think you should. Here we go.

Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Take the tube, why don't you? No, take a cab. Have it on us. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Right, and you, PC Purple Top, what do you want to do? Oh, well, I've had a busy day, sir.

If you don't mind, I'm going to go to Waterloo and have a pub drink. Have a pub drink? With my fucking friends. So here we go. We're going to Waterloo. Thank you, sir. Right, so it's time for PC Bobby to make his move. Here we go.

Use a ticket. I'm going to get on the ground. Where am I? At the Bank of England. And then I'm going to go to the British Museum, where I believe my character's caught. Let's fucking watch this properly. No.

Let's watch this properly. Here we go. Oh, here he is on there. And here he is on there. That's me. And here we go. There we go. I've gone. He's bloody gone into the darkness.

Right, bring in the army. Officer Source. The Source police has come in. I'm going to get you, sucker. Here we go. Police brutality. So you won? Yeah, I won. What happened?

You caught me then? Yeah, I caught you because you went on there. I didn't do very well there, Paul. You literally walked into my next move. I didn't do very well there at all. So there we go. Well, that was a guess. That looks like quite a fun game, I have to say. And there's eight minutes left on the clock. I think you should

just do that Irish stew joke. What would you like for dinner, love? I would like some Irish stew. I kind of ruined it by saying I would like. We'll try again. What would you want for dinner, darling? Irish stew. And where do we live? would you want for dinner, darling? A with stew. And where do we live?

This is kind of sad about a couple living with a wife with, like, Alzheimer's. Where am I? You're my darling, darling wife. And I love you. And even though you don't remember, I remember you. Where do we live, then? We live in a lovely place called 999. Let's be having a year, you know.

What's this I'm holding that I'm about to hand to you? It's a... It's a bottle of... It's a bowl of... It's a bowl of Irish stew. It's Irish stew, yeah. And who am I? Oh, this is just tragic at this point now.

So, ladies and gentlemen, there you go. Oh, look, there's Eli. Oh, can you see me? Yeah. Oh, can you see Eli? Yeah Or can you see like Look flash flash People want to see What the house of pickles

Looks like No don't show them The house of pickles Whatever you do Alright I won't Okay That's exclusive Great content for Patreon

That video isn't it I think it looks like Quite a good game You know what If I was playing with You know actually Mentally functioning Human beings

It might be a lot of fun Guessing where you are i like it because you know what you're meant to pop you could have could have gone anywhere and you didn't think about where my move i didn't think it literally it's like kind of like chess yeah you know what i mean well you've got to preempt where you think i didn't think i didn't notice the tube line it's you know can i be honest though i'm kind of frankly glad you guffed it because why i would have definitely have lost really I reckon so I reckon it's hard when

you think about it when you go under again and you disappear off the board you've got to kind of triangulate where you think it's going to be hoping that you usually you're more

than one person playing the cops so yeah and I would take notes as well by going oh he went blue then yellow then red then red then blue so I could kind of imagine what the routes

might be but you just have to do it quickly within 24 moves yeah you just got to stay alive for 20 more moves so it's it's I genuinely would like to play this quote-unquote imagine what the routes might be. But you just have to do it quickly, within 24 moves. Yeah, you've just got to stay alive for 20 more moves. So it's... I genuinely would like to play this

quote-unquote properly. So would I. Because it looks like a proper lot of fun. I like the map of London. That's nice. I like the character pieces. It's a lovely game. I got this in absolutely mint condition.

For? Three quid. Very good. British Heart Foundation. I think in Harrow. It's a lovely thing, Paulrow it's a lovely thing Paul it's a lovely thing it's a lovely golden game

and I'm sorry that I mocked you I'm not because I get to feel all superior but like when I fucking aced you at playing

that Sherlock Holmes game you did I reckon I could be a real cop could you? I reckon I could be a real cop yeah I reckon

think about it Paul I remember when we did a sketch comedy thing called Rogue's Handbook we did it in Edinburgh and there was one

particular scene where you played a cop which you really struggled to remember the lines on that scene and I have no excuse I wrote that sketch and it was so difficult

to remember it cracked me up so much how badly you couldn't remember those lines you could not remember those lines. You could not remember those lines. Anyway, that's Gans Gond Games. You wretched, petty prick.

Okay, Paul, that was a lovely episode of Cheap Show. Cheap Show is packed with... We're at the end of the episode. We're at the end of the episode now. Packed with tracks, packed with games, packed with packed with laughs oh we've had a great time we have had a lovely time and there wasn't too much mention of ejaculate well i don't think we had at all i don't think i think on the ejaculate scale we're quite low this week 10 cc 10 cc um is that a myth yeah apparently you don't spunk 10cc That's too much It's not you spunk 10cc

It's the capacity Of the Of the Holder at the end of a Johnny Built into the Johnny That space Either way That is 10cc

Is it? Yeah Either way that's not why They're called 10cc Why are they called 10cc then? Because I told you last time Someone had a dream And said you're going to be

Called 10cc And the biggest man in the world And they went with it I think it was Jonathan King Who said that I think I don't know who said that. I think. I don't know. That is, you did, now I remember.

He did say that before. So, content, content, content. I'm bad with dates and names and you're bad with reality. That's how it works out on this fucking show. I'm the best comedian in the world. It's like, remember when you used to do accents? You go, oh, hello.

Yeah. Do Mexican. All right. Hello. Hello. Anyway. He's a very big penis that's moriarty yeah it is isn't it right that was a cheap show for another week thank you for supporting us oh no if you'd like to continue supporting us on patreon hey hey hang on mate seriously no hold on no seriously no hold on this is the worst part of the show for me. All I've got to do is get a sentence out with facts and information.

Hang on. New character. Hang on. Hello. I hate this character myself. I hate myself. Hello. Paul, notice one thing.

London Zoo, Regent's Park, looks like it's got half of a pentagram on it. Just needs one more line. One more line and it's a pentagram. Are you saying that Regent's Park is... Devil worshippers. Devil worshippers. Devil worshippers. And London Zoo's on there so they can sacrifice the odd animal? Yeah, goats.

Goats straight off the mountain, can't you? Queen Mary's Garden. That's also a place there, yes. How does it all relate to Satanism? Dozens? You just saw a thing that looks a bit like a pentagram and you just thought that would be witty content for a podcast. We're going to be discussing on an upcoming podcast.

Yeah. You're reading a book about that at the moment, aren't you, Paul? Yeah, I want to read it. I want to talk about it. And what's that book called? I think it's called Satanic Panic. And it's about the satanic panic over the ages. The early 70s through to mid-80s.

That's the proper satanic panic. And how it affected pop culture. So if you want to get a really good take on it, just listen to the last podcast on the left episode. Aren't we going to discuss it no we are but we won't do it with the depth

or intellect or knowledge or enthusiasm as last podcast on the left but we are going to tackle it because I'm fascinated by some of the elements of it

what about these bits does it still remain mint on card if you throw out these card matrices I could push them back in that's what I mean

so do you want to save these I'm going to save them can you stop being asinine while I just do the wrap up please if you support us on Patreon thank you

we appreciate it love it don't even do that I love it don't even chip in with Nazilathicus who's the Nazilathicus seriously I just want to

fucking give up the email address just talk over me then Paul I'm the Nazalaf. Just turn your microphone off. Then it doesn't matter. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for supporting us on Patreon. Patreon.

Don't fucking fart again. I didn't. Do you know this is why we never get awards? This is why we're never going to get a comedy award. Because people go, oh, anything but fish. Oh, that's good. They talk about science and smart thinking.

Who is it up against this year in the comedy awards? Oh, Eli and Paul. Wang. Wang. Put my mic on. It is on. I can't see.

Oh, it is on, yeah. Now, Paul, the reason we don't talk about science, yeah, is because you are totally illiterate intellectually. You don't talk about science, yeah, is because you are totally illiterate intellectually. You don't understand things like very basic scientific things.

Do you? I mean, do you? Come on. You're not good at that. I have enthusiasm for the sciences. I admit that my... Your knowledge isn't very good. My knowledge isn't very good,

but my heart is strong and my brain likes to learn. Right? You fucking little shit. I don't know about Ghostbusters. I get it, yeah, but so what? It doesn't matter if you don't know about Ghostbusters. It doesn't matter. It's a comedy film about a serial

sex offender and his three mates who catch ghosts. We will have an award though, Paul. We'll have a whole award show. What's the update? Let's have the update on that. I'm going to do it. I want to make it special and I want to do something a bit different. So it means preparation.

It has a lot of work. You're putting a lot of work in everyone. He's putting a lot of work into this pod. Snuffle, laugh, laughicus.

Right. And so I've got a big load of work coming up at the end of March. So I'm going to leave until April to edit it, which is why we're recording all these now in advance.

So I have three in my back pocket so I don't have to touch you again. Nuzzle, laughicus. Nuzzle, laughicus. Don Nuzzle up your puss. Don't... Ow! Ow!

It stings! Don't do that! Don't do what? I'm going to fucking... I... I'm throwing two pens of pizzas at his head. That is like... People get banned for life

from football matches for that. Good. And it hurt. www.thesforwardslashthecheapshowpod.com We're on Tumblr. No one cares. No one cares that we're on Tumblr. Is that 20 seconds now?

20 minutes? Just do it. It's fine. I won't say anything. If you want to support us on Patreon, thank you. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. If you want to follow us on Twitter,

at thecheapshowpod, at Paul Gannon Show. Eli is a prick. And if you want to go to our website where there are pictures and videos accompanying this episode, you can. TheCheapShow.co.uk. We're on Instagram. We're on Tumblr. We're on Facebook.

Why? Look for Cheap Show. And that's kind of it. If you want to email us about anything, TheCheapShow at gmail.com. Now say something stupid. Nazle, grumble, nazle, laugh. You stupid, stupid Stupid Snotty Ugly

Cock My Twitter handle is I've edited that out I don't want anyone following you Well Too bad Right If you want photos

Of all this It'll be on the website Won't it Paul Did you say that You did say that I've just been a long day All you've got to do is listen I am

This has been going on For six and a half minutes It's meant to be like two Well you're going to do is listen. I am. This has been going on for six and a half minutes. It's meant to be like two. Well, you're going to have to edit it, won't you? The kid stays in the picture. Oh, does he? The kid stays in the picture. Grumbles, nassables.

No, it's all nassables. All right, bye. Bye. Is that it? Yeah. Bye. Bye. Worst ending ever. Bye.