CheapShow - Ep 121: Noodle Pimping 101

Episode Date: April 5, 2019

It's time to get your pimp on! Your Noodle Pimp on (whatever that means)! This week, Paul takes another magical trip to Eli's "Country Urban Noodle Testlab (Kitchen)" to get a lesson in how to spice up a regular, boring old instant noodle. The results may surprise you. Elsewhere in the world's best economy comedy podcast, there is a full fat edition of "The Price of Shite" that bounces from kitchenware, 70s nostalgia and classic BBC Radio 4 comedy. This is also the episode where Eli thinks podcast content is just saying the names of pop stars he recognises and where Just A Minute becomes an impromptu round of "Don't Get Mad"! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/noodle-pimp-101 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right, before we get started then, I'm giving this room a spray. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We'll set my asthma off. This room stinks of shit all the time and it's over. I'm bringing... I'm bringing cotton fresh air to this room. How do you like that? Stop it. You're spraying it in my face. Yeah, good, because you're dirty as well.

Hang on, I've got this around the fucking thing. Hang on. That's better. Go on, I've got this around the fucking thing. Hang on. That's better. Go on. Do-do-do-do. Welcome to Source Report. No, we're not doing it straight off the top. It's a cold open. We have to do the fucking intro first.

No, I am. This is the new intro, Paul, as the will of the people. The fucking will of the people. Do-do-do-do. Welcome to Source Report, incorporating Cheap Show with me, Eli,

and various guests. Who's going to be a fucking guest? Well, Paul. With me, Eli, and various guests. Like, who's going to be a fucking guest on this? Well, Paul Cannon this week. I'm not a guest. What have you got? What sources have you brought? I'm not taking part in this. What sources have you brought to the table?

Fuck off. I'm not taking part. Do-do-do-do. What a great segment that was. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha-ha. Here we go for the charity shops, the bargain bins, and the pound lands of Great Britain.

What else do we go through, though, Paul? Jumble sales. Jigga jigga jumble sales. Jigga jigga jumble sales. That's right. And the b-b-b-b-b-bazaars. What are you doing? Let me just do the intro.

The bazaars. Do we go to the bazaars? Let's just do the intro, and then you can be wacky and crazy like you like to be. Brick-a-brack hasn't got a look in. Brick-a-brack. Brick-a-brack. Jumbo sail. B-b-b-b-b-bazaars.

You twat. Welcome to Cheap Show. Thank you. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time.

Tales from the Darkspawn. How's the big guy? A fight of the Shite. This is for Gun and Saint Helen. Eli Silver. Welcome to Geek Show. guarantee hello hello yes welcome to cheap show oh yeah how are you how are you mr eli i've been a little bit under the weather oh that's a surprising unusual isn't it you're never under the weather you you're usually quite healthy aren't you i came down with a bit of the alergy last week, but I also went on Crystal Maze experience yesterday. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Go on, tell us about how you did in that, you big fat bastard. Go on. I did three games, Paul. Were there any physical ones? Yeah, that's the one I got the crystal in. Was it? In the physical game, yeah. The only one I got the crystal in Was the physical game

So who's so fat now? Alright, go on You would have hurt your back Because I had fun when I did it And I did a few physical games And by Christ They nearly killed me Yeah, yeah

You did it When it was in When was it out? It was in Angel Not too far away from Angel Tube Station Now they've just recently Just the other day, in fact, we were the first day of the new opening in the Truckadero,

part of what used to be the Truckadero. In fact, it is where I used to be a croupier. It's in the old Golden Nugget Casino, which is no longer the Golden Nugget Casino. It is now the Crystal Maze Experience. Well, that's exciting, isn't it? And it's been closed for a while. So it was quite bizarre going and doing a crystal maze experience

where I used to be a croupier weird I just find it weird that you used to be a croupier I had my little bow tie did you have a beard then?

no so you were all young and fresh I was clean shaven you looked like a little bloody angel you didn't you? yes

they all came to your table thinking he was innocent and honest I was you weren't how many dodgy deals did you do? No, they really,

you get done. You get done for that. Yeah? That's why you're not allowed to play yourself. You're not allowed to go to any other casinos owned by that group.

Oh, really? It's quite very strict after all the corruption that was, like the Cray era in the late 60s. Hang on, this is me standing corrected.

You're not your back is a mess fuck off I'm not bringing my back up alright Crystal Maze croupier he's doing the fucking

kick get on with it yeah come on people want to hear about the sources Paul well there's been not a lot of sources we've established let me just do

the source report this is like a bad Ronnie Corbett monologue do do do do do do source report shut up I need a bad Ronnie Corbett monologue. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, You're going to enjoy the source report. You do what you fucking like. I don't care. Do what you fucking like. It's your show. And here goes a source report.

Nothing to report. Then what's the point of having the theme? You could have just said this week there'd be no source report. No, there is a report. But the report is nothing to report. No, that's not a report. That is a report. The report would be before the report.

If there was no report. Report! You fucking cunt. No, that was if there was no report. I'm sorry for. No, that was if there was no report. I'm sorry for calling you a cunt. It was too early for that on the show. And you spat as well. There's no need for that.

I apologise. So I did the crystal maze. Wait, what happened to the source report? That was it. There was nothing to report. You should have just said, I'm sorry, Paul, there's no source report this week because there's nothing to report.

That would have been enough. You don't need a report to say there's no report. No, but people still want to know that the source report is a thing. Like the bracket exists nothing to report. That would have been enough. You don't need a report to say there's no report. People still want to know that the source report is a thing. Like the bracket exists of source report. It just happened to be empty this week. Well, again, you could have done that without all the pretty sources. Well, there you go.

What a waste of time. What a waste of time. All right, anything else? Crystal maze. That's it. I hurt my finger. You get a crystal? Yeah. What was a crystal? Yeah.

What was it physical? Because I had teething problems. The one game where I actually got the crystal, which was like a soft play maze where you had to get these batteries and bring them back. And I half killed myself, hurt my finger. Oh, little buddudumdum. Look at that.

Oh, it's a bit bruised. The nail is bruised. On the nail? And then he goes, you done it dum dum. Look at that. Oh, it's a bit bruised. It's bruised. The nail is bruised. On the nail. And then he goes, you done it? Yeah. Get the crystal. And then, you know, they got the little slot where the crystal is. No crystal.

Where's the crystal? They forgot to replace it after the last slot or something. Oh. So he's like, you got a crystal. You know what I mean? You did get a crystal. Yeah. Like.

Yeah. I didn't get to get the crystal, though, did I? Do you know what I mean? That's really frustrating when you say it like that everyone else got the crystal it's like I've got blue balls I've got crystal maze blue balls I certainly did

I won three crystals when I did it out of my four games I did three games and won one crystal so you did better than me and the one I was most embarrassed by doing was the laser grid where they fire lasers across the room and they're green and you've got to weave through them So you did better than me. Yeah, and the one I was most embarrassed by doing was the laser grid, where they fire lasers across the room and they're green and you've got to weave through them. Yeah, like Entrapment with Kathleen Zeta-Jones.

Zeta-Jones. She's not in many films these days, is she? No, she's married to Michael Douglas and sucks his withered old cock. You know, like when an old person tries to blow up a balloon. That's what it must be like when she gives him a sock. Is that the noise? We've reached a peak with last week's episode, Paul. I thought I'd be clever and lie on my back and slide across the floor under all the lasers. Yes.

Because I thought there was enough space. There wasn't. And I'm going on the... And everyone started shouting stop stop stop and they were like what and they all shouted your fat belly

and I looked down and my fat belly was that close away from touching the green thing so I was like sucked it all in scooched across grabbed the crystal

scooched back it was not good I was near tears but then how did you I thought you lost I didn't I got the crystal I nearly set it off with my how did you... I thought you lost. I didn't. I got the crystal. I nearly set it off with my big fat tongue.

Very sobering. And what have I done since? Made it fatter. So, that's an automatic lock-in, that one, isn't it, as well? It is. When Joe did it, he got automatic lock-in within like three seconds. But... It was like spider web.

You had to climb the ropes and get the crystal. Oh, yeah, yeah. Without ringing the bell three times. That's hard, that one. Literally, he runs in. Clang, clang, clang. You're in. Locked in.

The thing is, with your version, they had the space. There was a place you'd go if you were locked in, wasn't there? And then you actually had to get bought out. This, if you get locked in, you have to automatically buy them out. There's nowhere for them to go. Oh, really? So you could end up with no crystals. You can't even...

Yeah, because as soon as you get locked in, you've lost a crystal. But then you get minus crystals. He was saying, the guy was saying, you're my second group ever

and the first one was on minus two crystals. So how does that even work? Then if you win two crystals, you're even and then you've got to win two more. Yeah.

Well, you can't. You've got minus crystals going into the dome. Well then, so that means you can't go in the dome. Put off the fans. Turn off the fans. Turn off the fans.

Get out. Well, poor bastards. We'll bring this up very quickly and have a quick rant about this because people pointed it out to us on Reddit, on Twitter, about Channel 5 sometime last week as we record this. They did one of those list shows and they did. Oh, they actually have a show that they're promoting. It was a show, not just a top... They won those list shows. And they did... Oh, they actually have a show that they're promoting. It was a show.

Not just a meme. It was an actual show. And here's what they came up with, apparently. Crisps. They're top tier, tier, tier bullshit. We don't like tiers. We don't do tiers. We don't do tiers.

We treat this scientifically. We fucking have a score. And sensibly. They're science deniers. Yeah, it is. You know? They're going by gut feeling, not by actual science and study. They're science deniers. Yeah, it is. You know? They're going by gut feeling, not by actual science

and study. They're not going by gut feeling. They're like, Tim, where's that junior researcher, Tim? Get Tim to do it. He's always,

Tim, fucking put some crisps in some fucking tears. Oh, all right. I'm going to put quivers in. I'm going to put skips in. Also,

whilst you're down there, here's a blow. Wow. That's a blow. Wow. That's what it's like. It's not. That is what it's like at Channel 5, I've heard. Is it? Yeah.

You've heard it here first. Fucking get some researchers in, young'uns, and I'll fuck them in the mouth. Fucking hell. That's what the head of Channel 5 is like. Is it? Yes. Facts.

Before we go into how utterly, utterly random and fucking incorrect the tiers are, Paul, can I just say, why was Dave was the first sort of erroneous tier and now Five are doing it. Dave didn't do a show based around it. Channel Five stretched out this fucking show. Is it all about crisps or just... Yeah, have celebrities talking about it. Oh, well, the skips.

I remember skips, yeah. I used to put skips on my exposed belly and it used to all go sucky sucky. And it all smelled like prune sandwiches anyway. I used to take a quaver and mash it up and whoop it out there like a poultice

yeah here we go poultice he said it ladies and gentlemen congratulations trademark poultice if you're playing the cheap show bingo

you can now scratch off the poultice square amplitude poultice when I was at school we used to play a thing called what's it pocket where you used to try and

put them in what's it's in in your pockets as much as possible well I used to stick them up Kevin's arsehole I used to try and put them in in your pockets as much as possible well I used to stick them up Kevin's arsehole I used to take a shoebox like trainers I had some dunlops

take my dunlops out take a shit in the box take it into school and fucking sit at the edge of the playground just fucking smearing it around I used to give out sticky pringles at birthday parties where I'd come in a I used to give out sticky Pringles at birthday parties where I'd come in a tube of Pringles

and then I had to bounce. Sticky Pringles? Sticky Pringles? No, it's a new sauce they're doing. That's what I used to say. It's a new special sauce. It's a new sauce, isn't it? It's a new sauce they're doing.

It's a new sauce, isn't it? New Pringles sauces. Sticky Pringles? Sticky Pringles. Sticky Pringles. I used to carefully deface the actual Pringle writing on the side of the tube to say Sticky Pringles. Sticky Pringles. I used to carefully deface the actual Pringle writing on the side of the tube to say Sticky Pringles.

It says Sticky Pringles. Sticky in blue biro above the Pringles. Weak coconut flavour. Right, anyway, let's do this fucking thing. So on their bottom tier, which they say, humorously next to it, don't come anywhere near me with these, right? Mini Cheddars, salt and shake. Okay, Mini Cheddars I don't like. near me with these, right? Mini cheddars, salt and shake. Okay, mini cheddars I don't like.

I have to say. I like mini cheddars. We're going to have to do mini cheddars on the League of Christmas Snacks, Paul. Yeah, I know. But I like them. Just going in with that knowledge. We haven't done that, have we? We've never done mini cheddars. No. What about goldfish? Cheddars, I don't even know if I'd count them as a crisp, though. Snack. They're a snack. Yeah, true.

That's what it is. We've done peanuts. Salt and shake. They're a great crisp. Yeah, they're a novelty crisp. I like them. I like them. We're going to talk about them on the show. They, for me, if you're going for just a plain crisp, like a ready salted, they actually

do taste better than a ready salted crisp. I agree. Because the way that the salt, do you know what I mean? Oh, you're boring, man. It's the way that you get the granulised salt. Yeah. It's not just an even coating of salt. Like that kind of pretzel salt.

Yeah. And so it's like little bursts of salt that, you know, that it makes the whole texture of... Can I get through this? Because I just want to get through this. Knickknacks, nice and spicy, and Smith's Square Crisp Salt and Vinegar.

All wrong. All wrong. All wrong. That's a good solid salt and vinegar crisp. None of those are worst crisps. Anyway, mid-tier. Hula Hoops regular, Monster Munch pickle, Quavers, Wotsits, Chipsticks. They're all fucking great snacks.

They're all fucking great crisps. Pickled onions are universally... Monster Munch pickle onion are one of the best snacks of all time. Universally loved. Yeah. Who's made this fucking list? It's some fucking 12 year old

with his head full of memes. Head full of memes. I like that. The gift that keeps on giving. Top tier. Maybe you can understand who put this list together

from the top tier. Really? McCoy's regular. If you'd like our report on the scientific lowdown on McCoy's and It was a few episodes our report on the scientific lowdown on McCoy's. That was a few episodes ago.

It was a few episodes ago now, but go back to that episode and give it a little listen. Give it a little listen. We'll give you the rundown of McCoy's. We'll give you it. We explain what McCoy's really all about. Anyway, top tier. McCoy's, those crisps. Kettle, chips, the balsamic vinegar ones.

Sensation. You like those, don't you? I do, but I would never put them top tier. No? No. Sweet Thai chilli Walker sensations. Yeah, they were a good crisp again. And Tyrell's salt

ready salted oven crisps. It's just all like all the posh ones. God tier. Yeah. Walker's salt vinegar, Pringles original and spicy hot Doritos. Utter, utter shit. Spicy chilli heat wave Doritos deserve to be on the bottom. That's it.

They're terrible. Listen, if you're listening and you see any more of these lists. I'd rather eat them Pringles. I'd rather eat your special sticky Pringles. Well, let me whip them. I'd rather just you take all the Pringles out and just come in the Pringles can for about a year and a half. See what happens then. Let's see what happens then. And you drink it.

You slurp it down. It wouldn't be liquid. With a straw. It'll be like some of it will be powdery, some of it will be half congealed. No, I'd keep it full. I'd keep it regular. I'd keep it liquefied. I'd keep it warm. I'd keep it I'd keep it. I'd keep it I'd keep it

I'd just keep it Have it in a jar Shake it about No you can't have it in a jar I'd turn it into a lava lamp Spunky lava lamp No it's a Pringles Full of my

Never wear babies It's meant to be a Pringles jar A Pringles tube Yeah but I'm I'm going off on one now Aren't I You've inspired me Why are you always inspired To come into some receptacle?

That's been your big thing. No, no, no. It's fun, isn't it? It's fun to do it. It's not fun. And I think it's a lot harder to fill something than you think. Well, challenge accepted. Right, end this segment.

All right. Let's crack on. All right. Right, Paul. Yeah. I was thinking I could do the Price of Shite theme This week In the style Of the Filthy the Dog music Well, ladies and gentlemen

I don't know about you but I'm excited So let's hand it over to Eli Silverman For one of his very special Price of Shite introductions. Take it away. Oh, what is it? It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, who is it?

It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, what is it? It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, and that's right. The dog. Beautiful. Wonderful stuff there. Oh!

Challenging. Who is it? Urgent. I like it. I love it. I'm going to give that a nice solid eight out of ten. Why are you marking me? I can judge you.

You can judge me. And I will. And I'm doing it. I don't want to mark. I don't need your marks. It's a good mark. Eight out of ten. All right, I'll take it. There you go. Shut up. So we've got Price of Sight, Paul. Yes. And I will. And I'm doing it. I don't want a mark. I don't need your marks. It's a good mark. Eight out of ten. Right, I'll take it. There you go. Shut up. So, we've got

Price of Shite, Paul. Yes. And that's right. And that's right. Now, we're going to play a little bit of a special version. Ah, different little variants. Just a little bit. Now, it's basically what we do when we do the live show. We do the live show version. We don't ever really do it within the podcast. Oh, the live show version is where I just need to put them in order. Yes.

From cheapest to most expensive. Let's have a little recap of just the the Price of Shite journey that we've been on with this game over the years, Paul. Let's just have a little recap.

All right, yeah. I'll put some nice guitar music on in the background. Now, Price of Shite started as a simple price-guessing game. Just a simple game. Three items. Yeah. And the other person would have to guess.

A nice bit of fun. A spin on The Price is Right. The Price is Right. You know, that was where we started those many years ago. Oh, thank you for making us over on the million pod... A million listens. Fucking hell. Thanks. Anyway, go on. A million listens. We've had a million downloads.

A lot of those could just be one episode. Yeah. Like the 69 episode. Yeah. Still counts. We haven't made one million episodes, have we? That would be better if we had made one million episodes. So it started like that. And then what was the first variation?

Oh, I think it might have been the live one where we tried to do it live. We used to do MTM. Yes. So the classic Price is Right is three items, three or four items. One of us has to guess the prices and you get points depending on how close you are. Yeah. Simple, simple times. Then we did it live because live, you had the idea that live it would work better if you just have a bunch of items.

And they rank them. And you just put them in a big row that you think from cheapest to most expensive. Yeah. Visually. I'll tell you what you've done, because you're doing a visual representation. Yeah, it's just a nice little way of doing it. And then what's the other? Well, the cliffhanger one.

Then there's a cliffhanger one. Yeah, we haven't done that in a while. There's also the cliffhanger version of The Price of Shine. Which is a bit of fun. You climb a mountain. Again, a spin on the popular Price is Right game. And also, the Beg, Borrow, Given one. BFG. And that is the latest, borrow, given one. BFG.

And that is the latest, most avant-garde. Bought, found, given. Which you cheated utterly on with your redefining what the very basic concepts in the English language. Hey, Bill Oddie, check out these birds. What did you nick that off? Me? I just made it up now. No, you didn't. Yeah, you think you made it up now. No, you didn't.

Yeah, you think you made it up now, but I bet it's off some episode of Bossom or something. It's not, though, so shut your fucking mouth. Oi, Bill Oddie, look at these birds. I'm giving him the bird, ladies and gentlemen. Oi, David Attenborough, look at this prehistoric dinosaur. I'm giving him the bird. Right, And then

what else do we do? Is that it? Yeah. So this is another variation, a whole new variation today, is it? Well, this is just a studio version, a House of Pickles version of what we do live. Of the live. Okay. And I'm going to call it Price of Shite Rank Me Off version.

Rank Me Off. Brilliant. Genius. Thank you. Thank you. So I'm going to give you four objects in no particular order. Let's get them, though. Let's get them going. Get them out.

Get one out. Object one. Get the first one out. Here's your first item. Say what you see. It's lime green. Do you remember in the 90s? Remember? Remember? I remember. In the the 90s this is a slap chop it's a slap chop it is a slap chop i like this yeah slap chop to explain what a

slap chop is so those who might not know it's a vegetable chopping uh kitchen device yeah it allows you to finely chop things like garlic or onion in a space where it can't escape. It has a lid here and a space where the blades come down. Yeah. And you put your clove of garlic or whatever in there. Put it on the table. Slap chop it down. Slap chop.

Is this actually branded slap chop? I don't think so. It's got some kind of logo on the top. I don't know what that's from. It's lime green. I find that colour extremely depressing. Yeah, I know. Do you know what I mean? Almost sickly. I don't think so. It's got some kind of logo on the top. I don't know what that's from. It's lime green. I find that colour extremely depressing. Yeah, I know. Do you know what I mean?

Almost sickly. I don't know why. Sickly lime green. It's not exactly the same shade. But you remember there was like a time, about a year period in the 90s, where just this colour, the lime green colour, just sort of got extremely popular. Yeah, with that neon pink, it almost kind of rebranded the 80s version of that kind of... Because remember shell suits were all those kind of colours.

I know, but there was just one period where it was just that green. Yeah. What did you make that noise for? I actually don't know. Weird. You're losing it. Yeah. You need mental health professionals.

As well as someone to deal with your back, mate. Anyway, so it's a slap shop. I don't know what else to say. It's a bit of a sticky one, but I could actually use that. Well, you're not, because I bought it for me. I actually do want this. Hey, Bill Hoddy!

Have you seen these birds? Oh, look, they're perching on this mic stand. Hey, Terence Nutkins! Get low, please! Heching on this mic stand. Hey, Terence Nutkins, get low on these. He's shown me his balls. Right, okay, so that's your first item. Now, here's the thing. There are three points on offer per item.

Obviously, you can guess the price. Okay. And then 25p out, all that kind of stuff. Oh, so that's still... Still in there. But also, once all four are out and you get them in the right order, you get points for if they place in the right order. But shouldn't I guess the price after I've done the order?

Yeah, you can do it in any order you want. I think that's the best way to do it. Because if I guess that now, but then I think something, do you know what I mean? No, that's fine. But, it's a nice little piece in good condition. Needs a bit of a wash, but that's about it. Give it a wash, you could chop some veg with that. But, where did you buy it?

It was at Secondhand, yeah? Yeah, and I got it from Oxfam. Okay. That's a good clue, because Oxfam are on the more pricier side. Are you ready for your next item? I am. Bring it, get it out. No, I'll give you this one.

Oh, don't get it out. Here we go. What's this? This is an annual. Yep. An annual is a kind of book. Yes, like a hardback magazine that they do once a year.

Usually once a year. Christmas time? Is it always Christmas? They're usually sold around then because they make good Christmas presents, don't they? And they did them for like comics and they also did it for TV programmes. And stuff. And this one in case in point, Top of the Pops.

One TV programme. Top of the Pops, as we've mentioned before, music show on BBC One, bands performing chat hits. It was probably the biggest ever pop TV show. Biggest pop TV show brand of all time. Yeah. And it was in our fair isle. So, can you name any of the themes from Top of the Pops?

There was The Wizard by Paul Hardcastle. So, can you name any of the themes from Top of the Pops? There was The Wizard by Paul Hardcastle. Correct. There was Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin. Yeah. And I can't think of any others. Yellow Pearl by Phil Linnett. Really? Really?

Electronic, electronic, electronic. What period was that? Like mid to late 80s, I would have thought. Okay. Maybe early 90s, I'm not quite sure. After the Hardcastle. Yeah. No.

Because that was quite sort of, you know. Yeah. No, no, no, 19. 19. No, no, no, no, 19. Yeah. Double, double, double, double, double. Anyway, so an annual

of Top of the Pops from 1981 And on the cover No pedos, so that's good isn't it? That's a good, that's a good one Debbie Harry of Blondie who's dominating the photo space there She was the hot lady

at the time Amazing looking and a good singer Just to put that she was the hot lady at the time so hot amazing amazing looking and a good singer alright just to put that can you face me so you can talk into the mic alright

and you've got Gary Newman looking very blue yeah Boney M here in my car yeah Boney M

Boney M that's interesting you've got Boney M down there with their numbers Ra ra Rasputin Lover of the Russian Queen Yeah that's their best one It is

And er By the rivers of Babylon Don't like that one so much No I do like their version of Sonny Right And you've got Rod Stewart there

Yeah He's very quaffed Do you think I'm sexy I am very sexy And on the back I don't know who that is Isn't that Olivia Newton-John Yeah Olivia Newton-John and Who is that I think I'm sexy. I am very sexy. And on the back, I don't know who that is. Isn't that Olivia Newton-John?

Yeah, Olivia Newton-John and... Who is that? Oh, it's the Boomtown Rats. They are so shit. They are shit. I don't know what the fuck is going on with them. One Hit Wonders, literally, put something... They've managed to stretch that out.

They put so many records out, though. You go to charity shops, it's literally swimming with, like, just these Boomtown Rats singles you never knew even existed bob bob are you doing another live aid is it to raise money or so you can perform i don't like mondays again live also i was at latitude festival yeah and i heard this racket going off and i thought that sounds sounds shit. Who's that, I thought. Oh, someone. It's the fucking Boomtown Rats.

Shit band. I'm sorry. Pootown Crapsmore, like. You know what I mean? Yeah. Bumtown Squits. Tinkle Linkle Town Rodents. Anyway, it's a BBC Top of the Pops annual.

Who are these other cunts as well in the Boomtown Rats? No one knows. They look like some kind of fucking dwarf. That looks like Fergal Sharky. How small is that guy compared to the rest of them, though? They might be just very tall. He might be very far away. He might be your size.

He's really short, man. Can I be a Boomtown Rat? No. Bob's like, yeah, I like small people. Makes I be a Bob Tower rat? No. Yeah, Bob's like, yeah, I like small people. Makes me look like he's from Yorkshire. Shut up. Oh, look, this is good, actually. Yeah, it's got some good stuff in it.

You've got wings there. Now, what we should do is play a game where how many pages... I can see the price there, Paul. That's not how much I pay for it, put it that way. Let's play a game. Someone has put 20p on the inside cover. Let's not how much I pay for it, put it that way. Let's play again. Someone has put 20p on the inside cover. Let's play U3

Countdown. See how many pages we can get past before someone who pops up is a confirmed nonce. Okay. Right.

And also, the original price is here on the first page, £1.95. Which is, in 81, would you put it in about five, I guess, now?

Yeah. That's about right. That's about right. Okay, so you've got wings in black and white on the first page. There's Boney M. Fucking Boomtown Rats. The rats are all wrong.

Were they that big, though? Were they that big as band? I think they were just... They were... Because what was their style? Was it like... What was their angle? It was just pop.

Sort of new wave pop. Sort of not punky. Was it not like... Like punk, very watered down punk. Very pop. You like Dexys. Was it part of that whole kind of thing?y. Was it not like... Like punk, very watered down punk, very pop. Yeah, like Dexys. Was it part of that whole kind of thing? Yeah.

All right. Kind of gypsy, tramp, punk. I think, basically, they were particular favourites of the BBC and of Top of the Pops in particular. Because they were rough, but they were safe.

But they always used to do like, put on a big show. They'd put on, they'd have some kind of concept, like we're going to do this costume for this tune, do you know what I mean? So the TV people were like, they were safe. But they always used to do like a put on a big show. They'd have some kind of concept like we're going to do this costume for this tune. Do you know what I mean? So the TV people are like that's great. They will light it like this and it will be a thing. You know what I mean? Right. Rather than like this is a

good song or anything. Yeah it's not. There's quite a lot of them. Six member band as well. Can you name them all? There's Bob, Jeff, Gazzmo, Alat, there's Twinkle Fingers, and Squatch.

Squatch was my favourite. Yeah, he's the small one. Uh-oh, we're three pages in, Paul. And what have we got? The nonce of all time. Savile's back. Savile's there. What's it say? Why I'm deadly serious about Top of the Pops. Oh, I bet you are. We haven't got time to go into this, really, have we?

Look at him. He's an evil monster. Look at him. Look at that. Mad psychopathic eye. And then we've got Fleetwood Mac. Gary Newman. Hello.

I've got... Here in my cars. Cliff. Yeah, he might be. Allegedly. Pop Puzzle. Rockin' Rod. No one ever accuses

a ladies man is he yeah look at him oiled ready to go there's wings there's wings

only the band the Beatles could have been it stick together what was the band he was in was that Roxy Music yeah

he was in Roxy Music Virginia playing Dibble Jane yeah that was much earlier than this period they went throughout the 70s you made a new vow hot chocolate I love hot chocolate Yeah. He was a Roxy Musial. Virginia playing Dipple Jane. Yeah, that was much earlier than this period. They went throughout the 70s. You made a new vow.

Hot chocolate. I love hot chocolate. Great band, great numbers. ABBA. Yeah, we're doing well. Salute the Queen. Who's this? Oh, a queen.

Queen of there. Who's that? Talking to the mic. Snap. Who are they? I don't know. Never heard of them. Are they called Snap?

Right, let me read the first paragraph. Let's have a little quick read so we can get a bit of context. There's basically an article called Snap, and there's a picture of a band that we don't recognise. Blondie beware. The photos are about to take over the picture. Where America ruled supreme through Blondie, Britain is taking over in the delicious shape of Wendy Wu and the photos.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can say, no, they're not. Who the fuck is Wendy Woo and the photos? That's Wendy Woo there. Wendy Woo and the photos. And these are the photos. I've never heard of them. No. Wendy and her three companions are the British answer to the long search to unearth a rival to New York-based Blondie,

for whom lead singer Debbie Harry created worldwide fame. So this is kind of a pre-fab Blondie band. It won't be easy for the photos to follow the Blondie success trail. No, it really wasn't. Well, we'll look into that, I reckon. They're totally forgotten to me. Bee Gees, now they're famous.

They're not nonces. But mostly dead. Lena Lovitch. Who's that? My magic number. Remember her? No. Magic number, you know that.

Was she a bit like a kind of... She was in stiff records. Was she part of like, you know, what was that, Toya Wilco. Magic number, you know that. Was she a bit like a kind of early... She was in stiff records. Was she part of like, you know, what was that, Toya Wilcox? Oh, no, that. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, yeah, that's her. Yeah, that's Magic Number. Lena Lovish, yeah.

She's good, I like her. Was it a bit of a one-hit wonder, though, that? That was her biggest hit, but she did have other numbers. Also quite good. Kind of electro-pops. Well, at least I remember her over Wendy Wu. Don't know. Who's that?

I don't know. Who was that? I don't know. Who is that? Oh, that's the Eurythmics. Yes, it's the Eurythmics. That's a very early photo of the Eurythmics. Very early, isn't it? And do you know who that is? That's Police. Police, yeah. There we go. Alright, I'm not a five-year-old. Fuck the podcast, let's just do this. Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Who's that? That's Fergal Sharkey.

Two hearts are dead, a heart to find. Two hearts! So let hearts a fight two hearts so let's go easy with this hard man. What was the one he was a big hit with? Never fall in love with someone

never fall in love with love with someone never fall in love in love with the man you should. That's a totally different but he was in that though.

No. He was in The Undertones and that's a picture of The Undertones. What was the big hit they had though? I thought that was it.

Their big one was George Michael sorry was George Michael? Their big hit was had though? I thought that was it. Their big one was George Michael, sorry. Was George Michael? Their big hit was George Michael? It was John Peel's favourite song of all time.

Remember? Go on. Go on. Remember? Remember it? I don't know. Just tell me. What?

I don't know everything. I know, it's just that I'm not... What, now you don't know? I can't remember it. So great. You're looking at me go, I can't remember anything down now. It's just that I'm not... What? Now you don't know. I can't remember it. So great. You're looking at me go,

I can't remember anything. No, it's there. It's just at the... John Peel's first song. It's just... Buzzcocks. Favourite. Favourite.

It's not the buzzcocks. The undertones. Undertones. Red, red wine. I'm gonna hold you tight. Teenage kicks right through the night. All right. That one

Alright Alright So that was a hit Alright What else is in it? Come on, skip it We've got lots to do Alright

Jesus Christ Who's that? That's the undertones Alright, can we stop I wanna hold on Let me take it Do you wanna fucking calm down? Do you wanna calm down?

If I knew this was gonna excite me much, I would never have bought it. Who's that? Aswad? Yeah. Or UB40? No, that's UB40, isn't it? I don't know. Right, well, just get on.

Who's that? Specials. Stop telling me. Who's that? Ian Jory. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. Stop pointing out.

Jerry Rafferty. Barry Manilow. Stuart Copeland, Elton John, Leo Sayer. Who are these guys? The Manson twins. Come on. You just want to know if there's any more child abusers. Oh, there we go. All right, Pete Townsend.

Pete Townsend. I was writing a book. Where's the book? It's written in spunk. Yeah. In jury. Yeah, good. You're pointing out pages now.

Blondie. How is this interesting content? Never cared for Elvis Costello myself. Commodores. Yeah. Very good. Look, there's a very young

Lionel Richie. Yeah. Hello. Elkie Brooks. Now she's kind of a bit of an anachronism now, isn't she? What's that song?

Earl's a singer. Pearl's a singer. Is that her a Singer. Pearl's a Singer. Is that her? Yeah. Pearl's a Singer. They like Elkie. This is quite good. I like the way they've done this book.

Yeah. John, come on. Keep going. If you're going to shout the names out. ELO. ELO. Donna Summer. Yes.

All the acts of the time, Eli. Kate Butch. No. Edmonds. No. Edmonds. Edmonds. What's itmonds. Edmonds. What's it say?

I owe everything to Top of the Pops and to the intuitive balances of the cyber nature of Cosmos. You fucking chummy cunt. There he is. He has to pop up, doesn't he? Oh, look, he's got the grams and he's doing a bit of CJ. Oh, he's got a suit on in that one and he's doing he's got a suit on in that one yeah what's he got a suit on for he's presenting jake box jewelry oh he's got a natty tie wow what so interesting where are they now section and it's got a picture of fucking david

bowie there and he's saying a mixed bag for those with mixed fortunes that's the only way to describe the bunch of stars we highlight here on their fall from grace in the pop world. In 81, they're writing off Bowie. It's mad, isn't it? What was he about to do? Ashes to Ashes. So, huge here. Yeah. Let's Dance. Is Heroes from that? Heroes, no. It was a few years

before. Okay. No, he's just about to do Ashes to Ashes. Huge hit. Yeah. China Doll. Yeah. My China doll. Ha ha ha. And Let's Dance. Let's dance. Oh, yes.

Put on your dancing shoes and sing the blues. And he's about to do the most fucking funny video of all time. What, Dancing in the Street? Dancing in the Street. That was like 87, 88, that, wasn't it? That was when they were both kind of. He didn't disappear. No. He went on to make shit loads of money. But that's interesting that

they're writing him off almost. These other people I don't recognise, so maybe they did fall from grace. Yeah. Oh, these cunts you just don't know. Strange. Yeah. Super Tramp. That's what they call you. And the police. There you go. Great. We spent fucking ages. You're just

calling out bands from the 70s and 80s. So item two is top of the box. Ready? Around a pound, I'm going to say. Next item. BBC Just A Minute card game. Yay! Packed with 70 challenges.

Yeah, it's Just A Minute. You know the game. So you have to talk for a minute. Can I do it? Can I do one? Let me just hang on. Can I do one, I thought? For international listeners, there's a Radio

4 show been running for absolutely years called Just a Minute. Old parlour game. The idea is you have to talk for 60 seconds on a subject that's given to you without deviating from the topic, repeating yourself, stuttering, erring, you know, pausing, and

hesitation. And that's it. And that's the aim. It's quite hard to do. It is quite hard. Should we have a crack at it? Yes. Alright, hang on, I'm going to get my stopwatch out. So when, I tell you what, when you want to buzz in, you know, if I'm talking and you want to stop me, just say and I'll pause as soon as I can. Right, timer. One

minute. So are we getting a card out for randomly? Yeah, just pull it all out. So yeah, it's a box full of cards with topics on to talk about in just a minute. Pull it all out and then it's a box full of cards with topics on to talk about in just a minute pull it all out and then what should I do with the cards Paul you can rest them

on your flaccid cock okay we'll do it oh they've all fallen on the floor right right just pick one because I have to start so pick one at random

because you're going to have to interrupt aren't you your subject is yeah should you accept does he say that no he doesn't that's mission impossible oh yeah Your subject is... Yeah. Should you accept? Does he say that? No, he doesn't.

That's Mission Impossible. Oh, yeah. Hosted by Nicholas Parsons, who's in his mid-90s now. He's old. He's still got his faculties when it comes to presenting the show, though. Your subject is...

Yeah. Stiff upper lip. Go. They say the British member of... Oh,ish member of oh fucking hell hesitation i was thrown off because i didn't know if i'd press how many seconds do i have left 56 on stiff upper lip starting now stiff upper lip is the upper lip of a person who has some rigidity in their mouth around that part of their face and it usually refers to someone who has a lot of class, and they boss people around, and they don't show their emotions.

Like someone like Theresa May, who... Pause. You said like too much. Like three or four times. I did, didn't I? Yeah, you did. How many seconds have you got? 37 seconds left to a stiff upper lip. You say when?

Go. People say having a stiff upper lip is a good thing i disagree i think it means you don't care having a stiff upper lip suggests personally that you just look down on a problem and you don't engage in it in any way i think it's better to have a soft upper lip and actually care and have it wobble when you get upset when you see, I don't know a baby cry or an animal fall down dead in the woods that's just my suggestion, I don't think

a stiff upper lip is a very proud thing to boast, I don't know why British people believe it's a great thing to have I don't know Oh, I got it, I got it Ayo, I'm pointing If I'd been... That wasn't good.

I'll pick a card out for you to start. Right, Eri? Yeah. Your chosen subject, Eli, should you choose to accept it, is party poopers. Okay. Starting now. Party poopers are people who go to parties and do poops in the corner and then smush it all around

with their feet and then say to Stop, pause. No. You said then too many times. Shut the fuck up. You said then too many times.

I've got this. No. I'm going to shit here. I'm going to do shit here. We're not doing Don't Get Mad. Can you let me have the rest of my minutes?

No. I will shit. Don't get here. I'm going to shit on my bed. Don't Get Mad. Can you let me have the rest of my minutes? No. I will shit. I don't care. I'm going to shit on my bed. You've got to bring those fucking shit in your bed. Well, give me another chance. No. It's how I play the game.

Right? You've got to think about what you say. So, are you ready? I'm going to start now on the subject of party poopers. With 49 seconds left on the clock, here we go. Party poopers are the kind of people that come to a party and ruin it sometimes it's with a poor choice of music they will poop the party by suggesting black lace they say ironically but we all know that what do you mean repetition you said party twice party poopers

no no no no no no no but you can't say you no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, put, you can say anything on the card Poo-poo-poo-poo-poo Fuck, I'm going to count you Right I've got 33 seconds left Oh, you do, do you? Yeah Well, this is bullshit No, because you don't know how to play the game and you're shitting it

I fucking Here we go, 33 seconds starting Now, also, they can ruin a party by offering poor conversation For instance, suggesting the weather as a topic. That'd be awful, wouldn't it? I hate people at parties who drone on and on about their record collection. There's one guy I know... On and on!

Repetition of on. Technically, yes! Fucking have that! Don't know how to play the game, Paul. Oh, fucking... You've got 17 seconds left to talk on the topic of party poopers starting now. Party poopers are people who come to parties and then they don't shut up about their own rectal spaces.

Inside my rectal space, one party... Stop, pause. He said rectal. Fuck, yeah, I did, didn't I? Twice, eight seconds. Shit. Eight seconds to talk on party poopers starting now. Also, party poopers come in many different disguises.

For instance, they feel compelled to dress up in a wacky manner to be the focal point. Oh, that's another point to me. I think I'm good at this. Put me on the radio. Shut up. Put me on the radio. They'll never put you on. Come on, I want to be on radio four. You me on the radio. Shut up. Put me on the radio. They'll never put you on. Come on.

I want to be on radio for. You won't be on. I want to do a nice show. A pro-kill show about travelling with my dog. Can I do that? No. I want to do a comedian's guide of Britain with me dog called Wowzer. You're more likely to end up. Oh, come here, Wowzer. What do you think

of Birmingham? You're more likely to end up. Woof, woof, woof. I remember Birmingham. You're more likely to end up... Oh, I remember Birmingham. You're more likely to end up in Thailand, addicted to heroin, fucking a dog for money on stage every night. All right. Just for just a minute.

Well, that's what I call my show, Just a Minute, because that's how long it takes me to pump my dog. Just a minute of me fucking a dog. Just a minute of me fucking a dog. And you know who would come and watch you? What?

Gary Glitter. Gary Glitter will come and watch you fucking a dog. This is very poor. This is very poor. Say sorry. Sorry.

Right, one last item. That's a... Again, as an item, that's fine. I mean, it has the rules, I guess, written,

but it's not much of a thing. You wouldn't really need all of those subjects, would you? No, you could invent them on the spot, really. Yeah, so... But it's a bit of fun. You don't need the actual item. It's a bit of fun. Is this the last item now, Paul?

Yeah, here we go. It's in paper, which makes me think it's ceramic, which I think I'm right. And it's brown. It's a... Oh! Oh! Oh, isn't it?

Yeah, hello. Your collection's starting. Yeah, hello. This is... Oh, isn't it? Hello. A little connection starting. Yeah, hello. This is... Oh, don't you have one of these already? No, here's the thing. What I have is something similar. It's egg cups.

Remember I got the egg cups? Ah, this is a Cadbury's cream egg. Yeah. Mug. Coffee or tea mug. But it is shaped like a sort of egg. Yeah. A broken off egg or egg cup.

And it looks like it's got a little bit of poorly torn tin foil at the top. No, that is. So it's designed as... But... And it's got the little birdie. Yeah. Broken off egg or egg cup. And it looks like it's got a little bit of poorly torn tin foil at the top. No, that is. So it's like designed as butt. And it's got the little birdie. Yeah. Which is their logo birdie. And it says hot do... No. Hot do you... How do you eat yours? Hot do your eyes. It says how do you eat yours on the bottom.

Yeah. I don't know. It's quite a nice little thing. It's a lovely little thing, isn't it? No. It doesn't look like it'd be that efficient no it looks like the rim the rim would be a bit on the lip

would be a bit unsure you don't like the rim on your lip do you no I much prefer to fuck some guy in the arse and then wipe my dick

on the curtain oh aren't we funny on this show million downloads of that. No, it's all right. It's all right, Ace.

Yeah, lovely, isn't it? I've got the Smarties one there. Yeah. And have you got another chocolate-based market? Cadbury's Dairy Milk. You've got milk for that? Yeah. That is shaped like the actual...

Square, a chunk of the bar. So there you go. There are your four items. Just to quickly recap, we had the Slap Chop. We had the Just a Minute. We had the slap chop we had the just a minute we had the which he cheated we had the top of the pops album annual sorry and the only one nonce one nonce one alleged nonce that's all right okay it's a big come down since the last one a few years earlier because we're into the 80s which is they're out of the hit you know the the peak peak you tree was a few years yeah yeah we're out of the peak U-tree was a few years before, wasn't it? We're out of the woods now.

Right, anyway. Cadbury's Cream Eggs, the fourth and final. Now all you've got to do is put them in order. So let's start with the cheapest. What do you think the cheapest was? I'm going to write these down. Eli's choice. I think it's got to be...

Well, I'll tell you what I think the most expensive was, Paul. Okay. I think the most expensive was the Slap Chop. Slap Chop? Because it's got some utility to it. Do you know what I mean? It's quite a solid build, and it's basically as good as new, but it just hasn't got the packaging.

Yeah, it's not a branded thing. Yeah. I think that's probably the most expensive. All right, so let's work backwards then. What do you think is the next most expensive item? I think it could... It's either the mug... Can't help you now.

You're on your own. I think the next most expensive is either the... I think the top of the pops is the cheapest. You think that's the cheapest? Yeah. Do you want me to commit to that? I'm going to write it down? Yeah.

Okay. So that's at the bottom. Yeah. The slap shop is at the top. Okay. okay so that's at the bottom yeah uh the slap shop is at the top okay and we've got in between juggling for a position in my mind space okay uh crabberries cream egg mug and the just a minute totally useless if you just did a google search yeah i know but anyway so what do you want to put as the second most expensive after this from marks and. Are these from Marks and Spencers? Yeah. Weird. Originally.

They do all that kind of shit, though. Do they? And they put them in the shops for Christmas and then people buy them. They try and do middle-class themed... Stocking fillers. Stocking fillers. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is what this is, really. That could be quite cheap, because it's so shit. Right, well, do you want to put it second or third? Maybe this is the cheapest. What are we talking about? Range, price ranges here. Well, I can't tell you, because that will ruin the guessing for your price. Are they all between zero and five pounds?

Between zero and four pounds overall. Yeah. All right. So the most expensive isn't four pounds. No, but it doesn't go any higher than that. Okay. So at the moment, you say the cheapest is Top of the Pops. Then you've got two blanks.

And then the most expensive is Slap Chop. Slap Chop. Slap Chop. Da-da-daap Chop, diddle-iddle-iddle, come on. Okay, so I think cheapest Top of the Pops annual, 1981. Yeah. Second cheapest, just a minute card game. Okay. Then third cheapest, the mug.

Mug. Yeah. Now. The most expensive Slap Chop, yeah. All right, okay. With that in mind, what are the prices that you have? Okay, I think that the... Where did you get these items?

What part of the country, Paul? That would help me. Okay. Because there is a big difference between Cambro and Lundro on the price. That and that. The cup and the slap chop. Yeah. Wood lane.

Wood green. Wood green. Fuck off. Wood green. Just a minute. And the annual harrow. Ah. Ah. Aha. Aha. Aha. Aha. No, I'm a liar. Just a minute And the annual Harrow Ah Ah Aha

Aha No I'm a liar Just a minute Harrow Top of the pops Camden Notting Hill Notting Hill

Notting Hill Right I definitely think Just a minute Is the cheapest then You think it's the cheapest Yes You sure Because you put it in Harrow

Yes So you want me to swap it round? Definitely. Alright, just a minute is now the cheapest. Notting Hill is full of this all lardy dardy, do you know

what I mean? Yeah. But the spine is quite damaged on the top of the Pops annual. Yeah. So come on, you've

got to commit because we've got to move on. Okay, so that's the order. I'd like the order this cheapest, then the annual, then the mug, and then the

slap shop. Right, now the prices, what do you think quickly they are. Okay, I think that the Just A Minute Car Game was 40p. 40p? Yeah. Okay.

Top of the Pops annual? 75. 80p. 80p. 80p. Okay, the mug? 120. 120. And the slap chop 250 250

okay you ready I don't think I've done very well so let's do it in order first then reveal the prices so do I get a point

for each one that is actually in the right position yeah so if you put 1, 2, 3, 4 but only 1 and 3 in the right place you still get 2 points yes yeah yeah okay so you said the cheapest was just a minute the next

most expensive was top of the pops then the mug and then the slap chop the in the most expensive that's what i did here is the order the cheapest item was the top of the pops annual which you had said originally was that then it it was Just a Minute. Then it's a Slapchop. Fuck that! Fuck this! And then it's the egg. All right, here we go for the prizes.

So how many did you get right there? None. You could have had at least two right, and you swapped them last minute. I know. It's a very satisfying feeling I'm getting right now. Right, so Top of the Pops. No, just a minute.

You said it was 40p. Fucking hell. The answer was £1. Fuck. You said the Top of the Pops

annual was 80p. Well, of course it's not that because it's fucking, oh, fuck this. And it was 50p, cheapest item.

It was £1.50, but the damage, I said I will not pay £1.50 for that damage. Anyway. I knew the damage was a factor, didn't I? You said the mug was £1.20. Actually, it was the most expensive item. That was £3.50.

What? I know. You paid through the fucking nose for that. I know, but I wanted it to match my eggs. I guess. And the slap chop, you said £2.50, £3. Right, so I didn't get any points at all. Absolutely fucking none.

What a great addition of the price of shite. And that's right. That's wrong. And I was totally incorrect. Oh, it feels so good. You love it when I fail. I'm going to spill my little tummy beans all over my wrist family. Oh, my wrist family. My wrist family?

My little palm kids. Anyway, you leave here tonight with fuck all. I can't drive either. It's a good thing I didn't win a car because I can't drive. You can't drive. Luckily, I'll never offer you a car as a prize on this show. You never know, mate. Well, a little toy car maybe.

I've got a toy car, don't I? Yeah, you've got that one that blows bubbles. I've got you. That's a good one. I. You never know, mate. Well, a little toy car, maybe. I've got a toy car, haven't I? Yeah, you've got that one that blows bubbles. I got you. That's a good one. I like that one. Happy days. Happy days.

Nice. Well, on that lovely note of Eli's utter failure to get anything right at all. You really paid a lot for that mug, mate. I agree that I paid too much for that,

but I really wanted it. I can see that, yeah. So there you go. It's not a great deal of money in the scheme of things but it's a lot for an item on the price of shite, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. One of our most expensive I would have thought. I know, but you know, lovely little thing. It's a good mug. Yeah. You want the Smarties one?

No. Why? I don't care. Well, it's good. I don't care you have it and also, because you've had it in this room a little while now,

I don't want to touch it ever again. It's probably got all kinds of droppings off you. Don't spray it for bees. It stinks in here. It fucking will affect the fucking environment. You don't know what effect that will have on the scribbles. The scribbles might fucking inhale that and start dying.

They're a vermin. They are not vermin. They are not vermin. They are vermin. Get rid of them. They're an important part of the bottom of the eco. Get rid of them. Of the food chain in here. I'll set a trap.

I've got a scribbles trap. If they are vermin, why do I spend money importing expensive skiddies from China? Pre-made Chinese skiddies. Listen, I'll get my mate Doug to come in and he's a scribbles catcher. And he'll get rid of them for you like that. Oh, yeah. What kind of nationality is he? What can I speak to him?

Because I want to vet him first. Yeah? Can you call Doug up, please? Oh, hello, Doug. It's me. Yeah, you know that job I was telling you about with the... What? You can't speak to Eli right now. Can he speak to me, please? Oh, no, Doug. It's me. Yeah, you know that job I was telling you about with the... What?

You can't speak to Eli right now. Can he speak to me, please? Oh, no, he's very busy. He's very busy, but he's telling me... Tell him I'm going to have to vet him thoroughly before I let him anywhere near the Mount Groppants and the scribbles. He's saying, don't you worry about it. He's got this covered.

He's done this before. Oh, yeah? Yeah. In where? South Africa. He did a scribbles case there. In South Africa? Yeah. He sounds like a racist. He did a Scribbles case there. In South Africa? Yeah.

He sounds like a racist. No, it's just where the job was. He said the next one was in Paris. There was a Scribbles outbreak there and he dealt with it there. He's the number one Scribbles... A Scribbles outbreak?

Yeah. So he knows what he's doing. All right, bye then, Doug. Yeah, I know you can't speak to him right now. Bye. Oh, he couldn't speak. I'm going to need to speak

to Doug eventually. Well, at some point, but until then, don't you worry about it. We've got it covered. I bet Doug sounds exactly like Jimmy Biscuits. Doesn't he? I bet in your head you had the voice of Jimmy Biscuits playing then, didn't you? Well, no more questions.

No more questions. This interview's over. All right. All right. Ah, here we are, flying through the sky again, floating in on a magic noodle cloud, heading to our destination, the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen.

Let's fly in through the window and see if Eli is ready and waiting for us this week. Ah, he is. Oh, I've landed. Hello, Mr Silverman. Hello, surprised to see you come through the window, Mr Paul. Well, I thought I'd just come by and see one of your wonderful noodle recipes. Well, we've got a little special visit to the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen today, Paul, because lots of people who are interested in noodles

and interested in this podcast, Paul, have a very deep interest in noodles. Yeah. Are you lying to yourself, you demented prick? And sauces, as we know. Good. From the will of the people. Stop saying will of the fucking people.

Like it's a get out excuse for every argument you want to win. Well... Yeah. Anyway. So, this is a special edition

of the Country Urban Noodle Kitchen. We're going to take our first tentative toe in the water, Paul. Yes. And look at the pimpings. The elements of pimping.

Pimping. The elements of noodle pimping I call this. Is this pimping 101 volume one? Volume one.ping, I call this. Is this Pimping 101, Volume 1? Volume 1. Now, if you're listening to this and going, oh, I wish you could see what Eli's up to. Well, if you're a Patreon person, you could be,

because we're filming this, and it's going to be exclusive to see. So, it's like Nigella Lawson. So, what you're saying, Paul, is for as little as $1 per month, So what you're saying, Paul, is for as little as $1 per month, they could have visual access to the pimping secrets of Noodle Meister E and his noodle pimping kitchen time. Well, yeah, but I might put up to 10. Really? Well, you've got to give people incentive to give.

They can't give it all away. So this won't be available. This would be a tear. We haven't discussed this. This is really awkward. This is awkward. All right right so here we go so what we're doing pimping a noodle paul let's just take it back to basics is what the term that i have for taking a noodle and adding to it you pimp it up in a way the exhibit pimped his ride for so many years on MTV's programme. What a great frame of reference, pimp my ride.

Okay, so, but I'm going to pimp my noodle. I like to pimp a noodle. There's very few noodles in the range of noodles in this world that stand up just by themselves without any pimping. And it's a rare noodle. It's a rare and exciting noodle that does that. Now, there tend to be three baggers. There tend to be three baggers. So, where pimping comes to its own noodle that does that. Now there tend to be three baggers. They tend to be three baggers. So where Pimpin' comes

to its own is in the low sachet spectrum of the noodle world. Great. What we've got here this, you can't really get a noodle more basic than this. This is a coca noodle. It's a one bagger and that bag is chicken flavour. Show it to the camera.

Show it to the camera. A bit closer. There we go. Lovely. He's showing it to the camera. Show it to the camera. A bit closer. There we go. Lovely. He's showing it to the camera. So, plain, ordinary chicken Kona noodle. Very ordinary. And you know that kind of chicken, that artificial sort of chicken soup flavour. Yeah. Very unexciting.

Very boring. This would be a very dissatisfying noodle if you were to just make it and put that on. Okay. It'd be really, really thin on the ground. Oh. were to just make it and put that on. It'd be really, really thin on the ground. So, I'm going to take you through

a very basic pimping process with this cocoa chicken flavoured noodle, Paul. Now, it's what I call the student pimp. Which isn't a funny way to make money when you're a student. Not funny.

That's why I ignored ignored it let you crack on it is how i started the in the pimping noodle again oh i see this is a this is like a student this is a back to basic roots pimping now the problem is is this chicken broth sachet has no power it has no nothing to it so what i do and this is a pimp that will work for a lot of noodles, but if the noodle has three sachets, it's probably been covered. What you do is you do a soup base. This is behind the curtain now.

We're through the looking glass here, people. Okay, so tell me what ingredients you're going to be adding then to this recipe. I'm boiling water, and I'm going to just boil some water first first i take some garlic i'm crushing the crushing it oh i could crush a garlic oh we're getting in there garlic and i'm smashing them and then i'm going to chop them finely okay uh as my dad likes to call it goodfellas garlic goodffellas Garlic? Why? Because you smash

its head in? Well, no, because it's a reference to this prison scene in Goodfellas. Have you seen it? Where he's slicing the garlic extremely thinly

so that it dissolves straight into the oil. Do you remember that? Yeah. I don't. Goodfellas is shit. Come on, mate. You're just trying

to rob me. You're just trying to rob me. So, I'm going to chop this garlic very finely. He's chopping it finely. I've got a nice knife to do it. Did you know as well that garlic tastes different depending on how you chop it? I did know that.

So it's much more bitter if you puree it with one of those crushes. This show is dangerously close to being informative. But it's less bitter and sort of a bit more fragrant if you just chop it as i'm doing here so you're roughly chopping it roughly chopping some garlic and i've boiled some water there the other pre-pimp element is ginger now you don't want to be too ginger using it isn't that right it's uh it's very strong and i, and I don't like ginger in things where you've got big chunks of fibrous ginger and you're chewing down on that hard.

Do you know what I mean? You like a hint. Yes, I like the taste of the ginger without having to deal with the, frankly, sort of fibrous quality of it as an actual physical object. Do you know what I mean? Well, it's three minutes in and i've lost the will to live ladies and gentlemen it's chopping very finely the ginger

and then i'm putting those together as you see and then chopping them all together paul look oh he's chopping all together it's madness this is going to give our noodle a real flavor base that is going to you know just add to it so much you can do this with almost any kind of simple noodle what you mean chop something up yeah you're right you can do that to nearly any fucking simple no what i'm saying is you wouldn't want to do it if it's a three packer and it's got like a quite sophisticated lot of flavor going on you might actually ruin the flavor that the manufacturer's going for with this but with a basic thing like chicken shrimp flavour you know what i mean like one of the very basic flavours beef yeah yeah this

is always going to work so i've boiled my kettle does anyone know how much pain i'm in right now now i've boiled my kettle and now look at how much water does it say is needed. I'll have a look. Place noodles into 400 mils of boiling water. 400 mil, that's standard for one of these basic noodles. And cook for two minutes. Add seasoning and stir. So you can see, because this is my trusted noodle pan, there is actually a line that has sort of burnt into this pan,

and that is 400. I know that to be 400, so I can just do it by eye. That's fascinating. That's a cook's tool if ever I saw one. Amazing. So, can you turn the heat on at the back there? On here? On the back one.

Oh, shit. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have put my camera there. I didn't know. I thought we were just doing it in a fucking pot, didn't I? What do you mean? I thought you were just going to do it in the kettle.

I didn't know you were going to carry on boiling it. No. This is not one of those... I don't know how you turn this fucking thing on. were going to do it in the kettle. I didn't know you were going to carry on boiling it. No, this is not one of those... I don't know how you turn this fucking thing on. Ah, it's clicking in my ears. Right, there we go. I've got the pan on. Right, you've got the pan on.

There it is. Now, I pre-boiled it so I'm not waiting for it to come to the boil. I'm just taking my garlic and ginger Crushingtons and I'm going to scoop the crushingtons scoop into the water there. Straight into the water. And I'm going to let that boil. Let that come to the boil

for a few minutes, okay? This is fascinating stuff. We're doing my pimpy noodles. Now you will There we go. And it's going to imbue it with a lot of flavour. Now, you will... There we go. There you go. And it's going to imbue it with a lot of flavour. It's going to imbue it.

Imbue the water with a lot of flavour. Imbue it. Excellent. Before we cook the noodle in it. Right. But whilst that's happening, Paul... I should put it in your mouth, not mine, because I'm not talking. Whilst that's happening, Paul, let's look at...

What I... Your dick. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Get it out. Get your noodle out. Oh, no. No. No.

No. Think how much money we'd get if you could get your dick out? Well, how much are you offering me? I want cash on the table. £250. I want 50s lined up as long as I can extend my dick. So, £50.

Eli's got a small penis. It does need repeating. In all seriousness, Paul,'s got a small penis. It does need repeating. In all seriousness, Paul. Eli has a small penis. You can't even look at me when you say that. You're looking at the camera, are you? You have a small penis. Fuck off.

No, I don't. It's reasonably sized. It's economic. It's ergonomic. Because people look at it and go ugh oh mate that is poor

that's a very poor pun so what am I holding in my hand now Paul spring onion that is if you ask me the most basic

pimping item you're ever going to get for a noodle it's the atomic nucleus of noodle pimping it's a scallion or a green onion or a green onion or a spring onion.

Oh, you scallion. Yeah. So, any noodle will be improved with this. Right. I'd say, I couldn't think of a single noodle

that wouldn't be improved with spring onions. My ex-girlfriend, I made her a noodle once, yeah? Do you know what she said? I don't like wet spring onions. You betrayed me.

I don't like wet... She said, I don't like wet spring onions. You betrayed me. I don't like wet... She said, I don't like wet spring onions. What does that mean? What kind of weirdo? Every spring onion you eat is going to be wet, you idiot. No wonder we broke up. Yeah, that's the reason why. And not your copious amounts of issues.

Well, someone bumped into her the other day. She's living on a boat on a canal, and she had a can of white lightning. So, you know. Oh! It's doing better. It's interesting, isn't it? It's doing better. Well, I mean, come on. She is, yeah. She is. She lives on a boat.

Let's have a look at your onions. Here we go. I'm giving the onion a trimming. And I'm cutting the... Hang on, I'm just tearing this down a little bit, the volume. Hang on. The dried bit off. Yeah. As long as you take all of the outside layers off, you don't really need to wash a spring onion because it's so packed together, you know, what's the point?

But if they're long green bits, I will rinse out the dirt that sometimes accumulates in the hollow stems at the top, okay? There you go. Chop the hairy Norman off. Hairy Norman? That's what the head of the onion's called. Is it? Look, what does it look like to you? A Norman off. Hairy Norman? That's what the head of the onion's called. Is it?

Look, what does it look like to you? A hairy Norman. Hairy Norman. It's undoubtedly a hairy Norman. Hello, I'm hairy Norman. I'm not a new character, that's for sure. So, chop, chop, chop the onion. I'll put the camera back.

Here we go. Here we go. That's nice. That's nice, ladies and gentlemen. Are you getting the odour coming off that? I am getting a nice oniony... It's like a garlicky, gingery odour. Yeah.

So you can see that's the flavour that's going to give a lot more background to the chicken. And I'm chopping a spring onion. What I do with spring onions as a pimp is I will add that at the last minute. So they completely retain their freshness. Bit of bite, bit of crunch, bit of freshness. Grassy, oniony freshness it's the atomic nucleus of noodle pimping it is the spring onion spring onion pimp recipe item number one i can't emphasize that enough paul i am dead inside at this point okay now with the classic

student noodle i would have cooked some bacon as well. And I would be dicing the bacon. But I'm not doing that because I haven't got any bacon today. But that was the classic. That's what I always used to do. Spring onion, sweet corn. I've got a can of spring corn here. That's going to add a lot.

What's happening now then? I'm going to drain my sweet corn. Now, I think it's boiled long enough. Yeah, it is now boiling. So, I'm going to do the classic noodle breaking technique. We've all been here before, Paul, but it warrants repeating. In half, both halves, I have four easily manageable quarters of the noodle pad ready to go in. Are you fucking lucky?

Now, let's get this one pack. Look at that. It's a terrible pack, and it's got a picture of a cock on it. Chicken. Chicken. And I'm going to put my noodle. That water's been boiling away the garlic and the ginger. This is like, remember the 90s shows?

Get stuffed. This is like that. Yeah. And just as annoying and cheap. I used to love getting stuffed. Get stuffed! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's more like this, isn't it? Oh, making an egg omelette. Whilst my noodle's cooking, we'll only take two minutes, Paul. Yeah. I'm going to drain the excess water

off my sweet corn. Sorry, say again. I'm going to drain the excess water off my sweet corn, which, some people don't like sweet corn, mainly because say again. I'm going to drain the excess water off my sweet corn. Which, some people don't like sweet corn,

mainly because it just turns up in your poo and so you sort of associate it with poo when you eat it. Do you know what I mean? It's like asparagus. You know asparagus

makes you wee smell of asparagus. Then you start thinking the smell of asparagus is like the smell of wee and you go off it. It depends how often you And can I just say

Pea, celery, yeah? Don't attack celery this fucking at this point I've lost he's gone drain it then I'm fixing the camera I'm draining the sweet

corn and that's not a euphemism so he's now pissing in the sink ladies and gentlemen no he is just draining that was funny yeah thank you right so I've drained my sweet corn I've got my spring onion I've been actually Yeah. Thank you. Right, so I've drained my sweet corn.

I've got my spring onion. I'm going to actually do one and a half spring onions, Paul. Right, okay, good. Sorry. So first off, I've not used this camera a lot, so I'm trying it out. So it's so exciting. And then I'm going to be sprinkling that on the top. So this is basic pimping.

I mean, there's not much more else to say. Our noodle's going to be ready um what i like to do what they do say on most noodle instructions paul is that you should put the soup base in right at the beginning before you even cook the noodle i don't think that's the right way to do it then it's softened first yeah and i'll just put the i'll put the powder in the bowl and then just pour it right on it keeps the powder fresh so the so that it's not, you know. Great tip. No, great, great tip.

You're pouring it in the bottom of the bowl. Let's just get the camera having a look at this. There we go, straight in the bottom. There you go. The powder goes in the bottom of the bowl.

Now, is my noodle ready? What do you think, Paul? I don't know. How long has it been in there for? Like two minutes? It says two minutes on the fucking thing, doesn't it?

Two minutes. How tender does this look? I don't... It looks tender. I don't know. It's a fucking noodle. Is that a noodle? Does that look tender? Oh, I'm gone.

What are you doing? I'm just taking it out. Does that look cooked to you? Yeah. Okay, so we're ready to take the noodle out. It's really hard juggling both of these fucking things

right now. Well, don't fucking complain to me. I'm the fucking talent. What am I pointing at? What am I pointing at? What am I pointing at? I don't know what I'm pointing at anymore. Don't mess this up.

People need guidance on how to fucking pimp their noodles, Paul. Fucking moaning. Right, I've taken the noodle off the heat. Oh, I like to get the liquid off. And just first liquid... Oh, it's making the camera all foggy. To get all the powder dissolved before. Then splosh.

There, it's gone on. The noodle's in. And now, oh, mate, that's taking me back. That is reminding me of being a student eating noodles, the smell of that chicken noodle. Okay, now we want some sweet corn. Do you like sweet corn, Paul? Yeah, it's fine. Time and a place kind of snack well i think it works very well in this noodle because

you will be tasting this noodle telling me what you think great so those are the two basic pimping elements uh i've put my sweet corns in canned Canned sweet corn I find works. You can do frozen, but then, you know... It loses something. I think it does. And then I'm sprinkling, liberally sprinkling, my chopped spring onion on top like that, Paul. On top there. Now, there is a certain fan of the show, Paul,

who posts sort of pornographic close-ups of noodles that he's pimped. Don't know who you mean. Yeah. Something about homeless ejaculate window cleaner. Something like that. Something like that. His name. And then those pictures that that person posts of his pimped noodles

always have a big wedge of lemon in the noodle. What? What's going on? Cut that out. What's the wedge of lemon talking about? Why does that work? For certain dishes, noodle dishes,

dry noodle dishes, like a pad thai, yes, a squeeze of lemon is required. But for this, you just get a watery chunk of lemon in your fucking noodle.

That's not pimping. That's like being a madam and you just sit downstairs and let the punters go upstairs. It's nothing like that at all. It's the worst fucking analogy you could have made. Comparing lemon in a noodle to prostitution and sex work.

Well, that's what the metaphor is pimping, isn't it? Well, that's great association then. Right. So do I only get 5% of this? Yes. You get 2%, mate. So. If you're a dick, I'm lucky to get that.

Give that a huff and tell me, does that smell like a nutritious and tasty snack? Oh. It smells a bit Gregsy. Gregsy? It's got a feeling like Greg's sausage rolls. Yeah, it's that artificial chicken stock kind of flavour, isn't it? Actually, that's what it is.

You're right. That's what it is. Now, we're going to look at what I consider... Hang on, stop talking, I'm doing this. God. Right, here we go. Okay, Paul. Now, I've prepared the noodle.

Just to recap on the pimping that happened with this very basic one sachet coca chicken flavour noodle, I finely chopped some garlic and ginger and boiled that in the noodle cooking water before to add flavour. That's an important pimping element. Then I took the atomic nucleus of noodle pimping, a spring...

You had to stick with us. A spring onion. It's the way you draw it out. And then I put... I'm just recapping. I put the spring onion in and some sweet corn. But what it needs is the finishing pimping touches now Paul. The condiments. Yeah?

Never skimp on the condiments. Never forget the condiments. And we go to possibly the second most important pimping element of any noodle. Paul? Soy sauce. Soy sauce. Right, get on with it. Now, there's a little thing about soy sauce. You get two types. Do you

know the two types? The main two types? Brown and white. No, Paul. Brown and black. I've seen white soy sauce. Brown and white. I was given white soy sauce. Oh, yeah? Special white. Skip to the end. It's bunk. Skip to the end. No. There

is light soy sauce and dark soy sauce. That's what I said. But you'd assume that the dark soy sauce was more salty wouldn't you it's not the light one is in fact more salty anyway

little tip for you there which one's this then dark it's got more flavour it's got a sweeter and it's got more flavour less salty more on the sweet side

okay so why is it called light if it's saltier it's actually the colour it's actually the it's a different type of soy sauce oh what a load of shit it's just the It's a different type of soy sauce Oh what a load of shit

It's just cut lighter But it is salty Load of shit So Like it salty? There we go Liberally give That's too much

That's not too much That's too much That is definitely not too much That's too much What do you think ladies and gentlemen? That's too much No it's. That's too much. That is definitely not too much. That's too much. What do you think, ladies and gentlemen? That's too much. No, that's fine. That's too much.

Now, the other thing that I love my noodles to be spicy, Paul. So. Right. I'm going to put some of this oofed. Oofed. Oh, we've heard about it on the show, but oofed's coming into the picture. It's a very strong Trinidadian hot sauce. I'm going to pour it in there there just a little bit at the side

and then mix that thoroughly in so you get an even heat and then all the soy sauce has gone in look at that. So one last look for the camera. Now this is yes it's a basic... can you smell that? Oh, it's... Hot sauce coming off it. Yeah. Now, Paul. So I would say that's a very basic pimping I've done there to this noodle. The most important element, spring onions and the soy sauce. If I had to get rid of everything else, the spring onion and the soy sauce would still make that good.

Okay? Yeah. Now is the moment sauce would still make that good. Okay? Now is the moment of truth, Paul. I'd like you to take a little bit, taste a bit of the noodle with some spring onion and sweet corn on it, and then have a little sip of the broth. Okay? Alright. It's hard to get it all on.

Just taste it. You can have a few goes, you know. Oh, here's a good bit. He's eating some noodle with the spring onion and sweet corn there. Now have a little bit of the broth. Sip a little bit of the broth. Oh, yes, daddy. Oh, that's a spicy meatball.

It's spicy. So what are your impressions of my pimped chicken noodle there, Paul? I pity the fool who doesn't like your noodle pimping. No? So what do you really think? I really like that. It's nice.

I like the spice because it lingers and gives more to the flavour. It's quite spicy, salty and you've got some texture. Yeah, it's got flavour and texture. So not bad. Considering what we started with,

that's a much more exciting meal. It is, but you'd still want, you'd prefer like the flat because I know you have been privately buying yourself some broad noodles. I do, like hot. Hot and spicy ones. Hot and sour, aren't they, though?

They were very nice, and they're very satisfying. But they're mega hot. But this is a nice trade-off. This is not too hot, but it leaves a nice tingle. That brings me back. That really takes me back to my early noodle career. Ah, so there we go. That's the basic noodle 101, chapter one,

of Eli's country noodle urban kitchen test lab. Yeah. And we'll be looking at more advanced pimping options. Next time. Next time. Including frozen deep fried tofu and chilli oil with shrimp. Well, that's all very exciting. Well, I have to go now, Mr. Silverman.

I must fly away. All right. It's been lovely in your noodle urban kitchen. It's been lovely seeing you, Paul. All right. Fly away. I've learnt something and maybe you've learnt something as well, kids, listening to this. But I must go.

Here I'm off. Just going to open the window. And off I fly to join you back another day at the Eli Silverman's Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. Bye. Here we go. And welcome back. It's time to say goodbye. We hope you've enjoyed your time with us on Cheap Show and that you'll fly with us again in the future.

Hello, would you like some TWA coffee? Or perhaps you'd like a bit of my TWA tea? Get it? Twat! Yeah. Twat! Do you have a twat? I do.

Where is it? Above my gooch. Oh. What? That's where most people's twats are. Sounds like a horrible fucking UB40 song. Above me gooch. Twat above my gooch.

Jig it. Jig it. Let's hear it. Jig it. Jig it.. Chick it. Chick it. Let's hear it. Chick it. Chick it. Chick it. Chick it. Chick it. Chick it. Chick it. I got me twat above me gooch. What was that? It wasn't even close to a sentence. Oh, yes it is. Oh, I got me twat above

me gooch. Oh. Chick it. Chick it. Chick it. Oh. Chick it. twat above me gooch. Oh, twat above me gooch. Oh, twat above me gooch now. Right, anyway. It's a gritty, gritty tale. Yeah, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. If you support us on Patreon, thank you. Haven't you got some news coming about that?

The Patreon tiers are going to be changing a bit. A little bit. I keep saying this and never get round to it, but I've been really busy. But I think, Paul. But I think, Paul, you've run it past me and it sounds much fairer

and more value, a better value system with the tiers. It's just easier for me to do. Basically. It's easier, it's streamlined but it will be

a lot of benefits. There'll be extra... We'll give an hand jobs out. Extra pog... You just come round the House of Pickles. Come round the House of Pickles. We'll be waiting.

And I'll just get your lad out. First, I'll produce a skinny. I'll feed it to Scribble. You can watch his little scrubble mouth. Scrub it all off. And then you can pet him. But don't get too close.

Don't get too close. You'll scrub all your finger. And that can be quite nasty. We have a Scribble's petting zoo. Yes. It's at the foot of Mount Groppant. Yeah. You can get to go on the Mount Groppant. Yeah, you can get to go

on the Mount Groppant ride experience. And you get a little personalised source report. Nothing to report. You're going to have to produce something for it. There's not going to be much.

I mean, look. There's not for it then. There's sources. Your source report's going downhill fast. Right, anyway, shut up. If you'd like to support

us on Patreon, please. But no, we really, really appreciate it, Paul. That's what I, shut up. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, please... But no, we really, really appreciate it, Paul. Thank you so much. Patreon.com forward slash CheapShow and decide if you wish to support us there. I've cut my beard off so I can't give him Scrabble Lavacus. You can give a bit of Scrabbles. A little bit of Nozzle Nicious.

Nozzle Lavalavacus. I could just squirt some oil on their window. You know Tim the Toyman from the thing? Tim the Toyman from the YouTube channel? Grand Illusions. Yes. He's recently on an episode said, nozzle, nozzle, nozzle.

Did he? Yeah. It's just like fucking Rhett and Link, isn't it? Again. They've been fucking... They come to the raw coalface of our creative process. They steal the diamonds as they fall out the wall. I thought that was quite good metaphor in the end.

Quite good indeed. Well done. Look at them. We're shoveling away and they stand behind us as soon as a diamond glints. Fucking, fucking have it. What was that? Oh, yeah. Brett and Lig. You are nasty and you stink.

We have to set them up by actually tasting each other's calming little pods. No. Apparently one of them's already drunk someone else's piss on the show. And when they actually do it you think there's no way

to compete with that because they're obviously just attention seeking. They remind me of who's that comedian who no one likes him?

Tom Green. Oh yeah. He used to suck cows tits and stuff. Yeah. Great. As mucky as this podcast is I hope we

never end up under a cow sucking its tit in a field so do I you know what I mean I'd like to do that in private I'd like to do that for my own personal pleasure I wouldn't do that for money

no I don't want to be it'll bring the spiritual aspect of sucking a cow off and I don't want to be no I wouldn't suck a cow off right Paul's looking at me like uh oh

look can I just say mate this might have to be a wrap-up. Fucking hell. I'm sorry about this week's episode. Hopefully... It's fine! All right. Shut up!

Thanks for supporting us. Yes, thank you. Can't be rock and roll every week. I can't be rock and roll. Stumpy fucknugget. Right. Where am I? Yeah, if you'd like to email us about anything,

email us at thecheapshow at gmail.com. We're on Tumblr. We're on Instagram. We're on Facebook. Twitter is at thecheapshowpod. I'm at paulgannonshow. Eli is... Eli Snowed.

E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And that's it. Get in touch. We're quite chatty. There's a Reddit page as well, I believe. You can get involved and join the conversation there about the episodes. You've seen what, what. Keep sending in the tales from the shop floor. And we're going to do some of those as well. We you can get involved and join the conversation there about the episodes you've seen what what keep sending in the

tales from the shop floor and we're going to do some of those as well we'll get through to them we're mixing it up governor ain't we

so that's it that's another cheap show episode I don't know why I keep going into that voice today I don't know why you keep doing

anything I'm done yeah done bye then I'm just yeah done bye then I'm just mentally done bye bye