CheapShow - Ep 122: The Ballad of Roy Jay

Episode Date: April 12, 2019

"Gather round children, for we have something to say About a strange 80s comedian by the name of Roy Jay. He released an odd album, with music galore So why is its content an almighty bore?" RIGHT, enough rhyming! What else is in the podcast this week? Well, in an interesting turn of events, Paul and Eli are swapping segments. Eli grabs some random candy for "Silverman's Spoff Shop" and Paul snags some weird vinyl for "Gannon's Gramophone" which takes us on a journey of 80s Double Acts, Saturday Morning TV, disgraced Stand Up comics, rancid sweeties, Madam Lady Plop's Sex Work and a mug that pours out snot.... and yes, another sodding Sauce Report. Happy? You better be! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-122-the-ballad-of-roy-jay If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Ooh, baby, baby, you're a wild one. It's not you're a wild one. It is? No, it's not. It is? It's a wide world. That's a good point, but that's not what I'm singing. Whose song is that?

Whose song? Ooh, baby, as what? I think they did a version. All right. So there you go. And they sang, ooh, baby, baby, you're a wild one. No one sang that. I bet you. I bet you money. And they sang, Oh, baby, baby, you're a wild one. No one sang that. I bet you, I bet you money.

I sang it. You're such a dick. I had a thing to do for this intro. Oh, go on. Sorry, go on. I was just going to interrupt you and say, like, Go on. About the sauce.

Oh, I see what you're going to do. That's very cute. It's very cute. There is actually a sauce report this week. Ladies and gentlemen, before we start the show, the sauce. Oh, I see what you're going to do. That's very cute. It's very cute. There is actually a sauce report this week. Ladies and gentlemen, before we start the show, the sauce report. Do-do-do-do-do-do. I went to Taco Bell and I got some sauce. Reach over.

This one? The one that says fire. Fire. Now, that's their hottest sauce. I hate you. I hate you. Do you know what? And also, these are like hottest sauce. I hate you. I hate you. Do you know what?

And also, these are like little bespoke sauce sachets you get at Taco Bell. Because in there, you can see, read that out. There's a little message in there. Oh, hang on. Get on my level. But it says different stuff on the other ones. You can see. What does that one say?

Ridiculously good tasting. And that's ketchup. That's ketchup. So, it's like... Oh, this one's orange and it says, you know you want me. Yeah, but that's the hot. You dirty bit. You dirty girl.

It's all not very... It's not very good hot sauce. Right, is that the sauce? Is that it? No. Sauce report? Listen, don't try and truncate... I've got to do an intro

to this podcast. Don't truncate my sauce report, man. Well, then maybe save it for after the intro. You'll betray the people of Cheap Show. We're not the people. We're not the people. I haven't finished talking about the fucking hot sauce.

Can't we save it for after the show, when the show's, when we get into it? When we get into it. The source report comes at the top. It doesn't come, that's not a new routine we're doing where we open every show with a source report. It seems to be, though, doesn't it, Paul?

What? You're going to do what? I'm going to... No. I'm going to stick oofed up my meters. Down it? I'd rather dip my dick

in oof. Are you going to what? How's it going to go up it? Are you going to be sort of suspended? I'll be erect and I'll press down on it like I'm squashing a lemon.

That would be putting oof down your penis. You mean this? But it's going up my shaft. Come on. Is this it? Sauce report over. All I wanted to say is those little messages that you get on the Taco Bell hot sauce sachets.

Yeah. What tell you to kill? You're going, kill the heretic. Paul, come on. Paul. I'm a bit like Love Hearts. You know, different message. They're a bit like on. Paul. I'm a bit like Love Hearts. You know, different message. They're a bit like that.

Great. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Eli Silverman's Cheap Show, starring Eli Silverman, the breakout star of Cheap Show, a podcast about the economy and austerity and finding bargains in powerlands and charity shops across this great nation. No, I think you need to...

Starring Eli Silverman. I think you should do... And I am co-host Paul Gannon. Yes. Paul. You're getting big. Welcome to fucking Cheap Show. Welcome to fucking Eli Silverman's Cheap Show podcast.

Fucking hell. I hate you and your fucking Moodle posse. People love Moodle, right? It's a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the Dark. How's the pick up? A fight of shite! This is for Gun and Tate, hello!

Eli Silver! Welcome to the show! This is called Gallantay. Hello. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on a nuzzle. Why don't you introduce your show, Mr. Silverman? Jumble sales. What have you got coming up on the podcast today, Mr. Silverman? Well, we have got a bit of a reverse cheap show today, Paul,

because we're going to be doing each other's traditional segments, aren't we? That's right. We're going to do a segment swap. We're swapping segments. Indeed. Which means you'll be doing a platter segment with some stuff you've picked up. Yeah. And also in the show, a little visit to the froth shop.

But it ain't Gannon's froth shop. It's Silverman's spoff shop. Yay. It's Silverman's spoff shop. And also we're going to have. Like Noel Edmonds' swap shop, but Silverman's spoff shop. Yes. I like that.

Yeah. Dried ejaculate for the sprinkling man. Right, good. Also. Yeah. It's time to return. Another reverse segment, because we're doing Mikasa Pukasa. Well, P-Kasa Pukasa.

P-Kasa Pukasa. Is where, rather than find something that we think is awesome in a charity shop and give it as a gift to the other, as a pipe of peace kind of move, this is the opposite, where we find something that's horribly awful. We try and get the worst thing. We're competing to find the most abhorrent object. Shall we just crack on with that then? Do you want to start with that?

Let's start with that. Let's get it right into gear. Like that. And then we can go back to some other bits I've got over here. Are you trying to do a poultice bit there? No. You were. You did a little fist pump as if you were applying a metaphorical poultice.

Don't be stepping on my territory, yeah? Well, you're stepping... We're all stepping on territories today, innit? Now, I've got a doozy. I've got a doozy as well. Right, mine I reckon is going to be worse. Okay, so I will say this. Mine is fucking tasteless, ugly, and a bit grimy.

Okay, mine is practical, but grossly misjudged and unpleasant to look at. Really? Yeah. Okay, let's start with mine then. Yours sounds like it might be worse. I don't know. I'm going to hand this to you, Paul.

It's been wrapped by the nice lady in the charity shop. So already just by looking at it and the girth and the wrapping, it's a beaker or, you know, drinking receptacle. That is. It is.

It's really the design that really... Oh, dear. It's a pint glass. Right. And it's got 18 legal written on it. Look at the face. And like, what looks like a kind of, a naughty schoolboy. Off his head on fucking

naughty dust. Yeah, it's like he's going I'm 18 and legal. Legal to drink, isn't it? It must be referring to that, legal to drink. I thought it was not legal to knob. I thought it was like he's going, I'm 18 and legal. Legal to drink, isn't it? It must be referring to that, legal to drink. Well, it's not legal to knob. I thought it was knobbing they were getting out.

Is that his cum face? He's knobbing. He's busting a nut. Yeah, that's his nut face. Look at him. That's his Terry Nockins face. How ugly and awful is that? It's like a smiley face,

but without the yellow pigmentation. It's the eyes I don't get. The eyes I don't get how they're drawn. You see what I mean? He's put bags on because to give it

the more intoxicated, tired, drunk look. And look at that. A nasty price sticker has stuck to the bottom of this mug

and it's kind of mucky. Mucky. No one wants this. No one ever wants this. What are you getting like a hobbit? Nobody wants this. I wanted you.

Yeah? Yeah, it's precious 18 legal mugs. How much? That is really nasty. It was bad, isn't it? I didn't want to touch that. That's the best I've done on this segment so far, isn't it? Yeah, it's all right.

That is, no one wants that. Yeah. And he's ugly. Yeah. And it's kind of morally, what's it saying? I don't know. Get pissed, you. Go away.

Oi, oi. You know what I mean? It's that kind of thing. Hey, son. How old are you today You know what I mean? It's that kind of thing. Hey, son! How old are you today? How old are you today? 18 days. What?

Get your knob in there! Get this down your throat! Oh, he's dead. He's dead. My son is dead. Oh, I got him, mate. That went fucking dark quick. Well, that's what could happen.

How much was that? Well, with the other item I bought. Okay. It was three pounds. Oh, okay. Good to know. So, one pound fifty. All right. Fair enough. bought, it was £3. Oh, okay. Good to know. So, £1.50. All right, fair enough.

It's quite high, really. All right, here's mine. Mr. Silverman, say what you see. Is this my Picasso? Oh, God. This is... What is it? This is...

You know what I mean? It's not just... It's quite... All right, I'll tell them what it is. I'll just say this before we go any further. My girlfriend looked at it and went, please give that to Eli because I don't want it in this house. It's the type of thing you don't want in the house.

You're like that. You wouldn't want that. The 18 legal mug. You wouldn't be proud of having that on your shelf. It's fucking questionable, that 18 legal thing. It's a studenty mug, that, isn't it? It's awful. This is a mug as well, Paul.

Kinda. And it's a green box. Well, it's not a mug, no. And it says on the top here, Bogeyman. Yeah. Great fun for the kitchen. Nah.

Egg separator. Egg separator. This is an egg separator. Yeah, but why is it interesting? Because it is a sort of receptacle. It's ceramic. This is disturbing, man. Isn't it?

Yeah. It's a ceramic mug-shaped. God, that's so weird. Can I have this? Yes. You can definitely have that. I don't like looking at it. I'm going to put it up there with my funny worm and my Pac-Man ghost salt and pepper shaker.

It'll fit in there. It will, won't it? It's haunting. You'll wake up after a cocaine binge and see that and have massive, horrible nightmares. Well, the thing is, when you binge on cocaine, it's a stimulant, Paul. Yeah. So it makes you stay awake.

Oh, no. Drugs. Exactly. Oh, no. I'm not going to wake up after. It's like, you know. What gives you haunting nightmares after you take it? Ecstasy.

Nightmares. Oh, yeah. There's a thing with ecstasy where you get this thing. You wake up, you get bad, what they call a brain buzz or something. Yeah. I've never experienced it myself, but you get this thing. Like it sort of. Yeah.

You get this whole jolty, nasty. Like falling off a building and catching yourself. Yeah. But worse, like pain. Anyway, this is like the face of a, like a, like a, like a dead, like a dead man's corpse mask. It's got a big nose, Like a dead man's corpse mask. It's got a big nose, like a dead man's corpse mask. You know when you see those death masks? It is like that.

It looks like that. But it's got a handle at the back of the head. It's got two ears. Imagine a Toby jug. And... Yes. Crossed with nosy bonk. And it's got a...

Like an orc kind of look to it as well. Like a sort of Middle Earth style sort of... Holes in the nose. There are big holes in the nostrils. There are nostrils on this thing. And so you break an egg in there, do you? Yeah. And then you pour the white out there.

You pour it out like a teapot. And it looks like he's snotting. Big snotty globules out of his nose and the yolk stays in the cup. How many times would you actually use that to separate an egg? I mean, if you're making a cake, maybe. You egg whites using a cake, don't you?

Yeah, you do. You might need to separate them at some times and use the yolk for the cream later. I've done some people who like watching their weight or whatever,

they go egg white omelette just to let white because there's less protein like calories. I wouldn't use that because that's haunting. It's really disturbing. Yeah, and the idea

of it having like snotty globules come out of its nose is... It's kind of disgusting. It's like that. As we all know, with the hierarchy of disgusting bodily fluids, snot and phlegm is at the top. You know what it's missing? Wouldn't you say, Paul? Yeah.

You know what it's missing? When you see someone's phlegm on the sidewalk. Or when you see a bogey hanging out of someone's nose dangling there. That's... That is one of the most grotesque things. I don't know what... Oh, I'm... No, let's move on.

God, he's set himself up. What's funny is it's missing a trick there. It needs an electronic component. The idea is you should pour it, and then as it's doing that, you can tip it back, and it goes... And that, when you tip it back and it goes and that when you tip it back it goes it sniffs

that is a terrible terrible thing Paul really ugly and kind of disturbing but it has a sort of quality of build it's

well made do you know what I mean whereas the 18 legal there's nothing redeeming about it at all Gary from the shop goes I've got 20,000 pint glasses to shift.

What were you putting on him? You knew good. You know what I mean? You've done well. It was close, but I am going to give it to your mucky 18 and a legal. It's worse for more reasons. Do you know what I mean?

This is just sort of ugly. It feeds a kind of mindset. And a bad taste. This was pretty bad, I have to say. It's not what I want in the kitchen, separating eggs. Oh, he's looking in his bag again. I have to say. It's not what I want in the kitchen, separating eggs. But I'm just... Oh, he's looking

in his bag again. I just want to show you this other thing I got, Paul. Yeah. Because it's weird. It's like a snow dome. It's like a sparkle globe. It's got gold glitter

and golden balls. What is in there? Look what's in there. It's like a castle on top of a magic golden hill. It looks like a tit with a ray gun on it. Yeah. Bizarre. And then there's... Yeah, because it's a weird mountain that top of a magic golden hill. It looks like a tit with a ray gun on it. Yeah.

Bizarre. And then there's... Yeah, because it's a weird mountain that kind of is sloped slightly to one side. But that's like a building on top, isn't it? Yeah, it's like a magic castle. Now, you're missing... There's another aspect to this object, Paul. There's coins in there.

Are they coins? There's a coin in there. Or maybe that's... No, it is a movable... It's a coin. And there are golden balls of black... And there's golden balls with black holes. No, they're not actually that.

They're not... They're just like beads. They're just beads. There's just beads in there. Oh, it's got... Hang on. Yeah. Oh!

It's got a battery on it. Is it... Didn't expect that. Look, and it lights up. It's glowing. There's LED, coloured LEDs in the mountain. Is this Chinese music? I asked the lady in the charity shop,

I said, is that some sort of religious thing? Because I think, and she said, yeah, she thinks it's Hindu, like it's an Indian, that there's some kind of Hindu... I kind of like it. It's kind of cool, but it's also... It's kind of trippy, isn't it? No, so that's a strange item, isn't it?

Very strange. Definitely not one for me... Me... Poo-casser... Oh, look, there is a coin in there, isn't there? Yeah. I wonder what's on that coin, if it's like... It probably means something, all this.

You know, the golden beads and the coin. No, that looks like a nickel. That looks like a... Oh, weird. I'm turning it off. That's a strange object. It's a very strange object. But someone might know what it's for.

But it looks like it's maybe a bit of touristy kind of tat celebrating a religion thing. Yeah. Anyway, there will be photos of all of this stuff. Oh, you better believe it. On the website. So if anyone's got any ideas, keep them to yourself. Yeah. All right.

Let's get going with the show then. I was going to do other bits. I thought that was the show no i was gonna mention a winky update i've got a few things coming up with that basically i've translated it into english and we will be recording it soon for a forthcoming episode no more details there but i'm quite happy with the translation oh and you know there's that other song nostradamus uh what the one that was On the YouTube channel That had no views Yeah By the same guy who did

Yeah someone translated This for us as well The same guy Manuel A proper Frenchie Right He translated the What he was saying in there

Nostradamus And goes here it is I'll just read it quickly for you Okay Wow Human I'm here Wow

I'm not like you at all I'm only mad because Wow Ostrogoth And then he says in here As in the Germanic tribe from the late antiquity Visigoths Ostrogoth

But it also can mean in quite old slang A rude and odd person Anyway, the poem continues I'm awaited, last Christian Pope Benedict XVI Get out You won't be able to stop the violent uprising Some noodles I'm awaited last Christian Pope Benedict XVI get out you won't be able to stop the violent

uprising some noodles what? that's what it says here some crib sheets and then again it says old slang

the translation for a crib sheet is untul which sounds like the verb tulie which means to stare

hence the fact it comes after the noodle verse I think maybe what? what's happening Paul? and taciturn the poem continues pupils you only use them to stare. Hence the fact that it comes after the noodle verse, I think, maybe. What? So, yeah. What's happening, Paul?

And taciturn, the poem continues. Pupils, you only use them for that. Oh, sorry? Get out. You smell of gas. The sentence can be taken literally, but it could also be in the old slang. You feel as there's something wrong.

The poem continues. You're going to blow up everything. In French, the word pita can mean to blow up something or to fart. So, yeah, he smells the gas. There's probably a bit of fart metaphor in here. Well, the gas would be a fart metaphor as well. Nuclear, that's with you. That's clear. Gonna go up in the air.

Wow, I'm human. Wow, Ostrogoth. And that's it. Well, the guy obviously... Broke this about you. Why? Hang on, sorry. Because I'm an Ostrogoth who farts, am I? Yeah. Noodles. Well, fuck you. Noodles. Maybe he predicted the coming of you. Why? Because I'm an Ostrogoth who farts, am I? Yeah. Well, fuck you! Noodles? Maybe he predicted the coming of you. Noodles?

This French guy predicted the coming of Eli Silver. Well, he did well. Anyway, that's very strange. And no wonder no one wanted to watch the video, didn't he? He probably didn't tell anyone about the video. No. What was he doing with himself? I'll make a video. Well, this rustic wall,

I'll just have some shots of that. And a cat smoking a spliff. And a cat smoking a spliff. I mean, how can you forget? Right, that's the beginning of Cheap Show. Let's go into the next bit of it. So, do you have a jingle for your spoff shop? No, I'm going to be playing the shopkeeper

because it's a reverse now, Paul, so I just want you to play out the scene. No jingle. You just walk down the street. And I enter the shop, ting-a-ling-a-ling, yeah? Alright, I'll tell you what. Let's play this out. Can I have you just pubescent? It's just starting.

Oh, mate, don't. Please don't. Can I just say at this point, we've got another one-star review on iTunes. Did we? You know what it said? Utterly vile. They're probably anti-Semitic.

What? I know. I'm thinking, I mean, don't like the show, but I wouldn't say we're anti-Semitic. Utterly vile. I know. Oh, well. Some not pleasing.

So you can't please some people. You can't please some people, can you? You try and make endless spoff jokes and some people don't like it. That's all we want to do is just make spoff gags. You sort of try and surreptitiously fart on your podcast and it's fucking highlighted and it's magnificent. It is magnificent. I want someone to kind of art of noise all those fart sounds up.

Do you know there was that app? My friend used to be on it. Like a worldwide league of farts. Farts, yeah. Great use of technology, that. Great mark of humanity, too. Rate my shit. You know what I mean?

I bet there is a rate my shit. There's bound to be. Look at this one. It curls on and on and on. Yeah, I know. There's that weird sort of mid-European poo humour that people are into, isn't there? Yeah.

You know, the little shitty man in Spain. Oh, look, it's for poo, yeah. Which we talked about before on the cheap show. The shitty man in flame. Yeah. No, the shitty man from Spain. Oh. Remember the little squatting thing you could buy?

Oh, the little shitty man. So anyway, I'm going to be a small child entering your sweet shop. Not a... Just a child. A nondescript child of indeterminate age. And I'll just be in here. Right.

And I'll walk down the street. And what's the definitive sound effect noise that you're going to have to make? I don't know. Tinkle, linkle, linkle. Of course it's

tinkle, linkle, linkle. Really want to hear a tinkle, linkle, linkle. Alright, okay. Here we go. I walk down the street. Oh, I've just finished school and I'm going to go home. But I've got 50p in my pocket and I'm going to go along.

And oh, there's a shop I've never seen before. Eli Silverman's Spoff Shop. Oh, it's interesting. I'm going to go in. Tingle, lingle, lingle. Oh, hello. Oh, no, don't do that voice. Hello. Who's this?

Hello. I'm a small boy with some money to spend on sweets. Well, you've come to the right place, little sunny gin. Do not like the way this is panning out. No, I've got sweets. I'm totally, listen. I'm totally cool. I'm cool. Got cool sweets. Come on in.

Right, what have you got? Here we go. What kind of sweets do you like, my lad? I like sweets that go fizz in my mouth. I've got lots of fizzes for you. I've got a veritable cornucopia of fizzy, poppy, sweetie things. Oh, I can't wait. What did you say your name was, little boy?

Why is all your sweet shop contained in one bag? Well, I'm just... I'm moving. Why are the windows boarded up in this shop? It's not really a sweet shop. Mother! Mother! Right.

I'm going to hand you one. Yeah. Oh. Look at that. Because we had one of these on before. Stop doing that. Stop doing that now. We've set it up. Right. Okay. Oh. Yeah. Because we had one of these on before. Stop doing that now. We've set it up. Right.

Okay. Oh, can I just say a tinkle, linkle, linkle. A tinkle, linkle. Right.

Right. What have we got there, Paul? I have got, it's a little gummy burger. And it comes in a little plastic gummy

style, little plastic burger style container. A clam, or what they call a clam plastic burger-style container. A clam, or what they call a clam. Clam. Clam design. A clam shape.

Clam shape. Clam design. It's got a nice springy action to it. It's nice, that. And it's a little burger in there. But I remember them being a bit better than that, burgers I've seen before. They've just taken three vag, vaguely round gummies. And stacked them.

And it doesn't look like a burger, does it? No, it looks like they've put three fruit gums on top of each other. You know what I mean? I mean, I suppose the top one is vaguely bunny. Bunny. It's got a bit of texture to it. What is it? Is it a bit of an eggy, foamy one?

Yeah. I'll have the middle layer, which is apparently the lettuce layer. There's no meat layer. Where's the brown patty? That's it, the red one. Hang on, let me test the grill. Standard. Yeah, it's standard

but it's not unpleasant. A lot of gummies, low quality gummies have unpleasant aftertaste. So that's not. That's fine, is it? All right. It's made by a company

called Funtime. They also had a pizza. That's what we tasted before was a pizza but this was a different one but this was a different one. It was a different one. That was all right.

Standard. Unremarkable. How much was it? 30p or something. Oh, that's fine then, 30p. I bought a load. And the guy said to me in the shop, he went, oh yeah, the kids love that section.

As in, what the fuck are you doing? Please tell me you have children. Like he's pressing a little secret doorbell on the counter I suppose it is strange for a fully grown man just to get loads of childish sweets

I mean it is it's the way of the world Eli I've got another thing for you Eli it's the way of the world it certainly is the way of the world Paul

here's another thing for you oh what's this it's a little tube and it's called brain liquor it's a brain liquor I've got a before I open. Oh, what's this? It's a little tube and it's called Brain Licker. It's a brain licker. Before I open this, this already looks like a roll-on deodorant.

This is the gummy version of that, I reckon. Well, I would think it maybe has something that looks like a brain that you lick. Let's find out, shall we? Yes, open it now. I'm twisting the top off. It is a roll-on deodorant. It looks exactly like a roll-on deodorant. Oh my God.

And I imagine, you know. You're meant to lick that ball. I'm going to do it. I'll do it for the pod. I'm going to do it. All right, you do it. You lick my ball after me. I'll lick the ball first.

I don't want the sloppy seconds on the nugget. I'll lick it from the side a little bit. I'll lick the ball at the side and then you can lick the other side of the ball. So, you know, look.

And I'm doing it right over the brain liquor logo. It's not brain. There's no brain. No. It's literally a roll-on deodorant. Yeah. I'm going to test it. Filled with sugar water.

Here we go. How's that? Weak. It's not sour. It's just weak kind of blueberry. If you give this to your kid, and they've got it in the back of the car on a long journey imagine that it's gone a bit blue don't make me look inside your fucking mouth

gross alright that is a terrible thing look at the colour if you took the lid off that ball off and just downed it how quick you'd have a heart attack

get diabetes that's a terrible thing. It's not satisfying though, is it? But kids like that just lick it all day. You know what I mean? I don't know. If I was an adult

and I went, yeah, you, you, I got this for you. What is it? It's candy, isn't it? And I'm just going to watch you eat it and enjoy it. Oh, come on, Paul.

Oh, fuck off. Vile. Fuck off. He's probably a racist. Alright what else have we got in here? I don't know. Now what mark

would you give that? Really low. One. Yeah it's a terrible the brain liquor. It seems expensive and I don't find it satisfying. It was a quid for that.

Think of the plastic waste in that ball and everything. It's a deodorant that they've sort of changed into a sweet item. I've got this job, lot of fucking roll-on deodorants. I can't shift. Just clean out the deodorant. Push it under the tap and stick some fucking Ribena in it. You know what I mean, basically.

And also, it's like mis-selling because it says brain liquor. There is no brain. The only brain is in the word brain on the label and a picture of a brain. They're selling it as a gross, you know, gross toy. Yeah, but there's nothing gross about it. It's just weird. That's a very shit thing. Yeah.

And that colour of green, that's the same colour as the... That's what I call... The Slap Chop. That's what I call... Isn't it? The Slap Chop you got the other day. Oh, yeah. Same colour.

I call that 90s... It's avocado. 90s Nickelodeon green. Yeah. You know what I'm getting at? Yes. Gak. Slime.

Here's another thing, Paul. Oh. What have we got there? Eli's giving me a stinger, ladies and gentlemen. And it's not a euphemism. No. Swizzles. Now, they're a famous brand.

They are. I think they are. They're sort of... They do the penny sweets type stuff. There's a lot of Swizzles products in there. I think they're a famous brand. They are. I think they are. They're sort of... They do the penny sweets type stuff. There's a lot of Swizzles products in there. I think they're a competitor to Bobby's. Bassets and Maynards. Yeah.

But I think they're on the more cheaper side, like Bobby's. I think they overlap with Bobby's. Tooty-fruity chew bar with a fizzy centre. The cheekiest chew bar on the planet. Well, we'll be the judge of that, Mr Swizzles. We will be the judge of that, Mr Swizzles. We will be the judge of that. I'm going to open it.

I want a cheeky rating. Now, this obviously, to me, looks like a wham bar. Wham. And refreshers do them now as well, don't they? Love wham bars. But I reckon they've changed over the years. They have totally changed. The flavour's completely different.

And also the texture. Because I think they had to, by health and safety, said your bars are pulling out fillings and you know what I mean? Like breaking kids teeth and stuff. It was so hard that when you bit it it smashed like glass

in your mouth. You've got big chunks of it in your gums. You went, are you fucking out? Yeah, it was like, oh! Splinters of rock hard

wham bar under your gums bleeding. Blood trickling down your wham bar. It's not a proper wham bar unless you've got gum blood

trickling down it. Trickling down your wambar. It's not a proper wambar unless you've got gum blood trickling down it. Trickling down it. He's gone rogue again. You're not a wambar. Sorry. I try to think of something funny. I can't think of anything funny. They can't all be good.

They can't. It's just a numbers game, isn't it? Anyway, Stinger. It's also nice. Okay, you go it? Anyway, Stinger. It's also nice. Okay, you go for it. Nice, again, green. It's a similar shade of green to the brain liquor, isn't it? Tooty fruity.

It tastes like a fruit salad. Has it got any sourness? No. You'd think if it said Stinger, it would have some... Tiny bit of fizz. I don't think that's very good. It's got nothing to it. Do you know what I mean?

It tastes like a slightly fizzy fruit salad. Yeah, it's not... Yeah, and it's too thin as well. Like a fruit salad's nice because it's got that little cube chew-ness to it, like a chew-it shape. Right. And you think, ooh.

That's underwhelming. And do you know what? I can't help but think that if that was made by Bobby's, the flavour would be better. Do you think? Yeah. Probably more potent, like, you know, stronger. Yeah.

Maybe a bit too sugary, but we won't know. Almost floral old ladies perfume. Now, Eli, here's the next question. Is it the cheekiest chew in the planet? No way. Is it? We've seen cheekier. I've seen cheekier. I've seen cheekier

chews in a... They can't all be winners, can they? The numbers gave me life. You just gotta keep trying. That's all we can do. What else you got?

In my shop. That got you You look like you're losing the will to live, Mr I fucking am I'm sweating all of a sudden It's the sugar Now, this is curious I've never seen one of these

Well, that's why I thought I'd pick one up or review it on this section of the show I'm going to go ahead and say this is a Cadbury's knock-off of Kinder but let's have a look It's a dairy milk Freddo Treasures Freddo is a thing I've seen off of kinder but i let's have a look it's a dairy milk freddo treasures so it's a little freddo is a thing i've seen freddo i've a freddo cheap chocolate sweet it's in the shape of a frog cabris yeah cabris yeah okay there you go cabris dairy milk which is a big brand yeah it's a chocolate brand it's just a chocolate bar little one for kids it's

like a cheap one shaped in the shape of a frog. I think some have caramel in. The frog is Freddo, isn't he? Yeah. Freddo the frog. But this is Discover a Surprise Toy. So it must be a little Freddo and a toy inside this plastic purple chest.

It's like a little purple chest of chests. It's a bit like an egg box, isn't it? I like this. Mini egg box. It's intriguing, the box.

Can I open it? Paul, it's made me think. You know, they've reimagined a roll-on deodorant as a confectionery product. Yeah. Well, couldn't they start doing it with other things? Like? Tenor lady soccer balls. Go on.

It's... Can't all be winners, can they, Mr Silverman? It's a numbers game isn't it it's a geriatric ladies nappy sweet how do you eat it you suck on it

and the juice comes out god fuck me what about what about aerosol just spray an aerosol mix I think they do have that

don't they they have a squirties thing but what about an aerosol spray that you spray in your mouth do you remember those aerosol bottles that were just water just cold water yeah but were about an aerosol spray. Like you spray in your mouth. Do you remember those aerosol bottles that were just water? Just cold water?

Yeah, but were they proper aerosol? No, no, that was proper aerosol. That's what aerosol is. It's gas, Paul. I can't fucking open this. I want to open the Freddo box. Give it to me! I want to get the treasure out.

Give me the Freddo box. I'm going to do it. What about... Scissors! Yeah, there you go. That's the one you put up your fucking dick. No, it isn't. It is.

Look. Can I just make it clear, Paul? I haven't put scissors up my dick since I was a very young man a lifetime ago. Okay? I'm sorry.

What was that you put the scissors up the dick of a young man? No, I didn't. Is that what you said? No. I don't know. I'm not listening.

Vile. Open it and see what the surprise toy is. I'm opening it. This is exciting. Chocolate buttons. So they're surprise toy is. I'm opening it. This is exciting. Chocolate buttons. So they're not Freddos. They're chocolate buttons.

Freddos are frog-shaped, are they? You like that? You can't have them. I don't want it. I'm opening the toy section. I want the toy. Oh. What's in there?

It's a chocolate Freddo. It's a little monkey. Oh, it's a chocolate monkey. It's not a chocolate monkey. It's just a monkey. It's just a little monkey. It's just a chocolate monkey. It's not a chocolate monkey. It's just a monkey. Oh, it's just a little monkey. It's just a little monkey. Hey, look, it's got a lenticular face.

Does it? It makes the eyes blink. It's fucking great. It's a blinking monkey. I want a blinking monkey. Open it. I'm opening the blinking monkey. Hey, and I'm having chocolate.

This is great, this. Right. That is going on my shelf, but I mean... Tell But I mean It's a nice little Key chainy fob thing isn't it It is It's just a toy isn't it Oh he's going Hello

And look he's got everything You can Oh he's got a name What's his name Look they're all Having an adventure together In their flying Purple chest

He's called Raz Raz He's Raz Raz the monkey. Hello, Raz. Um. Oh. Hey.

Oh. What? Watch out. Let's have a look at Raz. I know what his voice would be. Go on. Oh, Raz. No, that's all your voices ever are just that.

No. That's Mariotti. No, it isn't hey i'm raz wow let's go on an adventure yeah boy you got it okay raz hey i got a ferrari i'm jimmy biscuits I can't do American accent. You'll go Jimmy Biscuits. Don't do Jimmy Biscuits. I was trying to do

Salt the Egg Jogging at Game Jimmy the Biscuits. Don't. Jimmy the Biscuits. He's a make man now. J-Bisc. So he's Jimmy the Biscuits. I think he should have

a rap career as J-Bisc. J-Bisc. J-Tisc. Bogeyman. I've lost your fucking mind. Right, that's it. Oh, lost your fucking mind? That's it. Oh, you know what? That's not it.

I'm going to have to rate it. Oh, yeah. You like that. I'm going to give it four. How much was it? The toy is not that bad compared to the Mario gift egg, for example. That was much worse. Vastly better than that.

How much was it? A quid? Yeah. That's great, then, because those eggs cost a quid, and you get shitty candy and a horrible type. This is better candy, because it's just chocolate. It's Cadbury's buttons. It's dairy milk, yeah.

And you've got a little Raz, a little Raz guy there. Yeah, I like it. Okay, not too bad at all. Not too bad at all. All right, what's next? This is your favourite item so far. Yeah. I've got two of these, Paul.

Yeah. Oh, he's got it. It's a Chupa Chup product. Say what you see. Chupa Chups Tropical Fizz. It's a lolly by Chupa Chups, but they're designed like a cocktail glass. I mean, this looks like a pint of beer. It looks like a pint of beer, yeah.

It's got a shape of a glass thing. It's got a head on it, doesn't it? It's got a frothy, foamy, spoffy top. Spoffy top? It's got a spoff a glass thing. It's got a head on it, doesn't it? It's got a frothy, foamy, spoffy top. Spoffy top? It's got a spoffy top on its golden face. I like to scrape the froth off and then I knob it round. I scrape my little spoff off and put it in the ground. When my spoff's been there for years, it gets so

green and smelly. I go and eat my old dirty spoff, and then I wash it down. Vile. You vile anti-Semites. That's all I can say. Let's taste this. vile. You vile anti-Semites. That's all I can say. Right, let's taste this.

Vile. I'm really upset that person thinks we're vile, Paul. We are. We are kind of vile. Yeah, we are, but we're not hateful. There's a difference. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah.

We're mucky, but we're not hateful. Okay. Unless you're Noel Edmonds or Brett and Link. Brett and Link. Let's taste mayo. Yeah, we did that, Bretton Link. We did that. We had the first and final word.

We actually found something out about mayo. What? Remember what we found out, Paul? You shouldn't eat it raw on a spoon five times in a row because it'll make you sick. Well, apart from that, we discovered that Hellman's, one of the most revered brands in all of food stuff, I couldn't tell the difference. In fact, I thought Sainsbury's own brand was better. Yeah, well, there you go.

No blind test. So that tells you something about mayo. Is that the kind of thing that Brett and Link do where they just go, there's nothing here, no content, I'm bearded, fuck off. Fuck this. Now let's drink each other's piss. Right, let's test this.

This is a Chupa Chups Tropical Fizz. Oh, it's a boiled sweet candy. Chupa Chups Tropical Fizz Oh, it's a boiled sweet candy Chupa Chups are The top's really rough It's got a textural Is it like one of those things you get on a toothbrush Like a tongue cleaner It's just a very rough top

And what's its flavour like? Like a tropical drink It's like a pineapple-y, mango-y sort of thing Is that nice? Chupa Chups I don't know if we've discussed this before Like a tropical drink. It's like a pineapple-y, mango-y sort of thing. Is that nice? Chupa Chups. I don't know if we've discussed this before, but that was designed, wasn't it? The logo by Salvador Dali.

Was it? Yeah. Genuine fact. Yeah. Never knew that. Very strange, isn't it? Very strange. But then he also worked with Disney for a while.

He did, yeah. And they tried to get an animated feature made and it never panned out. I'm tasting one because we have two of these. We're not sharing lollipops. It's very pleasurable. You like that? Yeah, it's very pleasurable. Okay, one more sweet and then I've got a special item that I want to discuss because it is pertinent to our...

Can we not... Can we go escape to the pertinent item? Okay, so you're done. You're done with sweets, yeah? Yeah, let's move on. Let's sum up the froth shop. What do we have? You know what?

It's not good as Mr. Gaddon's froth shop, but there's some definitely delicious treats here, sir. So you'll come back to the froth shop? No. Young lad. No, I'm going straight to the police after this. Young boy. No.

Young Jimmy lad. Young my jab. My Jimmy. Young Jimmy. I've walked into a madman's hut. At least I've got sweets and maybe bananas. Right. What am I going to do?

I'm going over here. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is a numbers game. God loves a tryout. Do you know what? You know I didn't work properly, Paul. You're talented. It's a lovely lollipop.

Because you didn't say tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. You didn't give it that magic. Give it the pizzazz. Give it the oosh. Your problem is. What? Your problem is you expect too much of me. And the problem with me is I expect too much of you.

And we both fight to give it. So we're at this kind of war of attrition. Where? Right now, I'm licking a lollipop. I'm not listening to a fucking word you say. You're not. You're not even listening to yourself, though, Paul. That's the sad thing.

No. You're just like... Wait, what's your special thing? No, let's just sum up quickly what we had. What did we have? We started with the fun time. Gummy, fine. Gummy burger.

I want to see a proper trolley one, because there was actually some attention to detail on the moulding. You could see, for example, the little sesame seeds on the bun on a trolley one. Do you know what I mean? We'll try a trolley. And the lettuce layer actually looked like, you know, it had the veins on the structure

of the lettuce it was basic and bare minimum but it was fine for what it is it wasn't that bad but you know what I mean I want more accurate two and a half

that was terrible stinger completely fine stinger was not good that's my least favourite two I give that I thought the flavour was weak

it had a real grandma's palmer violet sort of artificial perfume-y thing to it for me. Then we had the Freddos. I think that's your favourite, wasn't it? It's the runaway success story of the day.

You like chocolate. I mean, I know it's brand and blah, blah, blah, but as an alternative to a Kinder Egg, not too bad. A lot of fun. Yeah. We'll have to see what the toy quality is like going forward. Well, I think that's it. I think they just do this line, so you just get... There's lots of them to collect so there's a freddo obviously i think i would have preferred to get the freddo rather than what's the treasure it says

treasure oh apparently there's a few things as well you can get a watch type thing and a jigsaw and a maraca so this stuff there now paul are there people as kinder must have been going for over the years and years right i think they must have been going for years and years, right? I think they must have been going for like 30 years or something. And there must be people who actually collect Kinder toys. Yeah. Yeah, definitely, because they want to get all the right line and they collect them.

Yeah. It's a bit like you and me have got, well, I have. I've got a little bit of obsession with decorated clipper lighters at the moment. We both have a bit of that at the moment, don't we? And then finally, the lollipop. I like... Chupa Chups Tropical Fizz Lollipop. Nice, simple lolly, but you know what?

I'm having a lot of fun sucking it. Also, we forgot the other... Brain lick is the worst thing to me. That is the worst thing. That's the worst thing. That's wild. That was terrible. That's like the amount of plastic waste on it.

Waste on a piss poor candy. Just pure shit. And it's always good. If you gave that to your kids as well, they're going to make the whole back of the car like sticky with the shit. Do you know what I mean? Never rubbing it in their ear.

You know? And stick it in their face. Yeah, yeah. There's going to be fights. What about this? Takes his eye off the road for a minute and hits a big semi. Chocolate tampons.

No. Well, you could just rebrand Cadbury's Fingers. Couldn't you? Mummy's chocolate tampons. Right. What about oh, what

about gummy razors? No. Tropical colostomy bag drinker. Oh, God. Squeeze the bag. Wake the drink. That's a good idea. Do you know that?

Talk about Orangina. Yeah. Well, that's their thing. Shake the bottle, wake the drink, isn't it? What's your thoughts on Orangina? I kind of like it. I like it. But it's a bit costly for what it is,

which is basically slightly weak Fanta. But with bits in. Yeah, because that gives it the edge. Yeah. Let's wrap this up. Right, so that's the froth shop, but I just wanted to mention these. Oh, what's this? Because we've done Doritos on the League of Crisp.

Oh, we have, yeah. Which is our very, very serious, scientifically vetted, and rationally thought out, crisp ranking system, which I think is the best of its kind. Why do you have to make that noise? It brings me joy. And we covered Doritos, didn't we? Yeah.

Yeah, because they are basically the biggest brand. Fuck me, you draw things out so much. What's the whole point? What are we doing here? I'm just talking shit. Yeah, but for brevity's sake, mate, just sometimes say, I bought some nuts. They are not nuts.

These are Doritos bits. What does that mean? Factory floor sweepings. That's what you'd imagine. But yes, they must be corn maize meal that is left over in some way from their manufacturing process. But these are spicy cheese. Oh. They're a spicy cheese flavour, Paul.

And it's like a nut pack. It's not like a crisp packet it's in. It's in a nut sack. I've got a nut sack of spicy cheese. Yeah. I just drooled. Stop. I just drooled all down myself

Thinking about me spicy nuts Come on, put some of your spicy cheesy tangy cheesy nuts in me hand Here we go These are bits They look very peculiar Oh god, they do look like They're like rigatoni or something, aren't they? They're weird spiral things

Like the broken bits of spirals. It's like spiral pasta, but like, um, shattered. It's kind of like a Bombay mix feature. Yeah. Tastes like... What do you think? It tastes like, yeah. Tastes like small bits of Doritos. Yeah, they do.

They're okay. Right then, can I go now, Mr Mr Silverman He's still here Yeah Right go then Bye Tinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling lingling ling You're funny, Mr. Silverman. Funny. You did well there with that segment. It was nice. It's a numbers game, Paul. It's a numbers game, isn't it?

They can't all be winners. It's time for Gannon's Gramophone, where we all get around Gannon's Gramophone and look for amusement or disheartenment around a track that I find on... Fuck off! I'm sorry.

You just knew when you said disheartenment. That's when you took the misstep there in that sentence, Paul. You went from just about coherent into incoherent bullshit try again it's gannon's gramophone it's gannon's gramophone that's your only fucking jingle device that is it's gannon's gramophone where we sit around and listen to some vinyl from yesteryear and decide whether it's hot or whether it's not.

So I found three okay so I went to Brixton on a kind of charity shop hunt because I've been to Brixton in ages. What? I went to Brixton for what?

What are you alluding to? To buy some charity shop stuff and get my gift. Yeah. What are you suggesting? To Brixton. Are you suggesting are you suggesting I sell my body in What are you suggesting? To Brixton. Are you suggesting I sell my body

to Brixton for sex? Yes you do. I was just in a back alley with some woman. You're dropping poultices out by

the five. Dropping blotches everywhere. Dropping blotches? Yeah I don't know. No I was suggesting you

went there to buy marijuana. A woman of later years buys my time and takes me to a room. A woman of later years? Above a room in a pub. What's a woman of later years? And she's like,

Hey, Shani, I'm a woman of later years. Why don't you lie down over there, Shani, and I will sit upon your face and part my grey dripping flaps over your mouth. Oh, God. And then you move your... How are we here? Why is this happening? flaps over your mouth. Oh, God. And then you move your... How are we here? Why is this happening? I don't know.

I'm sorry. Paul. Yeah? Can I just pick up when you said a woman of lady... I'm mad of lady plops. Oh, yes, she is. It is mad of lady plops.

I want to sit on your face and plop and I'll pay good money. Listen, if you want to go see the lady plops, you have to get through me. I'm Squishy Jim. I'm acting as a pimp on this. I want to paint lady plops. A £500 two plop in my gob.

Let me check your genitals for warts. There you go. Yeah. It's good. It's got two or three on there. It's good. It's quite good. It's nice.

It's good. Those two make it look like a wild animal. Madam! Madam! Yes! Yes! We've got one. We've got a goer.

Lovely. Send him up! Is the money good? Show us your money. Here we go, 500 bad. Now, remember. Yeah. Before I take this off here, look in Squishy Jim's eyes. Yeah, I will. And tell me.

Yeah. I'll love her. You will respect lady plops. I'll treat her like she's my own mum. Alright. Watch out for all the shit that's in there as well. As I empty my load inside of her, I'll think just like me old mum. Right.

Shake them up! Go on then. I feel a plopping coming. Yeah, mind off all the shit. You're right. You lie down there. Alright, thank you. Can we... Oh, let's segue away from this scene.

That's not how Mrs. Lady... Madam Lady Plop does it. That sounds like Madam Diarrhoea. We all know she can do hard, ball-like pellets that she can get out her trouser leg with no mess. Yeah, like that. There we go. That's the noise of lady plops.

Thank you very much. The end. Anyway, I went to Brixton. It all came because... Because I said, yeah. I went to Brixton. I was actually trying to say, you know, you went to Brixton to buy marijuana.

Because that's what I used to do. Clapham. Remember the green door in Clapham? Mr. Greenleaf. Yeah. Yeah. There used to be do. Clapham. Remember the green door in Clapham? Mr Greenleaf. Yeah. Yeah. There used to be queues. And the Cafe Cairo next door.

That's closed down as we can happily say. I think it's opened up again on the new management but you're not allowed to smoke at all in there. In Cafe Cairo. Yeah.

You know what? We'll save that story for another time when we do our drugs episode because I think it'll be fun. Are we doing a drugs episode? Yeah, we're going to. People want it.

We've done a sex one. We'll do drugs and then we'll do rock and roll. And we'll talk about drugs. Our drugs experiences. Yeah. Okay, good. In a done a sex one. We'll do drugs and we'll do rock and roll. And we'll talk about drugs. Our drugs experiences. Okay, good. In a rational, mature way.

Yes. Why? Anyway. So I went to Brixen and I didn't see many charity shops. I saw one and it was huge. It was a Dr. Bernardo's. I know that one. It's on the corner.

Yeah. And I found three, I think, amazing finds in terms of novelty. Interesting. They're all LPs. So let's start with this one, I think. Now, this is vinyl. Is it a double LP? No, it's just a single bit. It's a gatefold cover. For no reason, really.

And basically, it's an album called Saturday Scene, hosted by Sally James. And was Saturday Scene a show? Yes. It was a TV show as well, so it's an album called Saturday Scene, hosted by Sally James. And was Saturday Scene a show? Yes. It was a TV show as well. So it's a TV... Saturday morning show where Sally James introduced...

It was based around... Oh, come on, brains. Glam rock, bands like that. So that's why Gary Glitter, Shawoddy Woddy. They're all glam rockers. Yeah. But it was like a Saturday morning thing that went on for hours. A couple of songs

A couple of interviews And then it would go to Thunderbirds for an hour Then come back And then Cheat Talk That kind of thing One of those ones Yeah

So for some reason In Where is it I want to say What year does it say It was made in Must be mid 70s 74, 5

Yeah maybe Yeah it's It's on the disc Sometimes Alright you have a look At the disc I'll read the thing out So yeah it's an album Based on the disc sometimes alright you have a look at the disc I'll read the thing out so yeah it's an album

based on the TV show 74 74 okay and it's Sally James singing two songs and then a lot of interviews

with people like David Cassidy Shawoddy Woddy Alvin Stardust Sparks interesting choice Sweet and

infamous nonce Gary Glitter. And it really is, with the hindsight of knowing that Glitter is a nonce. Disgusting human being. A terrible criminal. It does make the interview sound sinister in places, doesn't it? It does. We'll get to that in a second. On the front cover, you see Sally James.

She's adorable, isn't she? She's very cute. She's adorable. Is she still about? I don't know. Do the death you see Sally James. She's adorable, isn't she? She's lovely. She's adorable. Is she still about? I don't know. Do the death check on Sally James. Okay, Google. Sally James.

According to Wikipedia, Sally James is a former presenter on the ITV Saturday morning children's show Tiswas from 1977. Oh, she was on Tiswas. Until it ended in 1982. And then I think in that time she was also doing Saturday Scene. No, Saturday Scene was... She's 68 and she lives in London. Yeah, she's just... She's all right, she's banging around.

Doesn't do it anymore. And what... What, talk to Gary Glitter? No, she doesn't. No, she doesn't do TV anymore. She probably maybe had a family. Maybe. But anyway, she says here,

Hello, everyone. I'm Sally James, a lucky girl who's been interviewing a lot of exciting pop personalities over the last year for my programme, Saturday Scene scene because this show is only seen in london i have talked to some of the most exciting stars for you all on this album they are lovely guys and i hope you learn a little more about your particular favorite enjoy yourselves sally james now she does have a kind of charm as a presenter don't you think she's got I would say, in a slightly derogatory way, but not really. She's got that kind of...

Woman of the good life. Yeah, you know, like a head girl attitude. Oh, it's dreadfully nice to meet you, Mr Sweet. Sort of posh, but softly spiced. But nice. Enthusiastic. Polite. Do you know what I mean?

There is a quality. You can see why they... She obviously makes a good presenter. I think a lot of the female audience, the young female audience, who would like to meet Gary Glitter. Definitely, yeah. You know, David Cassidy.

Well, they wouldn't want to meet Gary Glitter. Not now. Obviously, but at the time. Yeah, they still, they didn't know that they wouldn't want to. They thought they wanted to until they didn't want to anymore. What's interesting, though,

is that there are two songs, there's four tracks on this altogether. She sort of dabbles with singing on this apparently. That is not very good. Well, she teamed up with the band called Love Together who were a short-lived

70s British glam. No, pop glam. They're kind of like imagine a books fizz kind of thing in the 70s. Okay. And so she does two songs.

Let's listen to one now. This is Sally James singing a song called Isn't It Good? No. Hello, I'm Sally. Over the past year I've been very fortunate in meeting lots of really interesting people

some of whom you can meet on this album. Also, I've recorded my first song. I hope you like it. feeling that I've found It's an easy tune to follow along A rock and sway in time with this song Come and take a chance You've got to dance, dance, dance Give it everything you've got Na na na na na

Here's your chance now Watch me dance now Na na na na na Watch me move it. Isn't it good? Isn't it good? Isn't it good? You know the way you dance to the music.

Look at me now. I'll show you how. You can never, ever lose it. Isn't it good? Isn't it good? Watch me move and then you'll see it happen. Here comes the part where you can give it some heart. Na, na, but it's not awful. It's not great, but it's not awful.

I'd say it's pretty awful. It's not great, but it's not awful. It's not awful. We've heard awful. This is just, it's like, it's very simple. Actually, compared to some of the, one particular other record coming up, that doesn't sound that bad. No.

It was a nice contrast, frankly, after that. And then, yeah, the interview is a kind of standard. She's just very polite. Oh, what's it like being on the road, shawoddy woddy? It's nice. How do you write a song? The bit that got me is when she's interviewing

Gary Glitter and it's like how did you come up with that song touch me touch my privates no it's like how did you come up

with a do you want to touch me do you want to touch me yeah and he goes oh yeah it's because I was on stage

I have all my ideas on stage yeah I was out on the thing and I reached out to the crowd and they touched me but then the other side of the stage they Yeah. I was out on the thing and I reached out to the crowd and they touched me. But then the other side of the stage,

they were going, oh, we want to touch you. And I said, do you want to touch me? And they went, yeah. And I thought, that's a song. And I can't help but wonder

how he got the inspiration for come on, come on. You know? Yeah. He's deviant. And that other bit as well, where he talks about, what do you like most

about you know what you do and he goes it's the way he delivers it because of our brains and what we know of him now it feels like he's fighting the urge to say

fucking love fucking kiss yeah I know right but he goes I like giving pleasure

it's the pleasure I give to the fans no it is totally and there's a bit where he goes it's good to get out Pleasure. Pleasure. It's the pleasure I give to the fans. No, it is totally. And there's a bit where he goes, it's good to get out of the country. Yeah. I like to go fishing because everyone out there,

we only talk about fishing. We don't talk about anything else. Like our incessant sexual demons. The other thing about this record, as I mentioned to you before, Paul, it's got the London Weekend Television logo, and you don't see that on vinyl a lot. In fact, that's the first time I've ever seen it, I think. And that makes me...

I can just hear that, hear the idea. It's like... London... Because basically, it's hard to imagine now, but they used to actually take over this ITV on the weekends, didn't they? It was like a different company. There was more regional programming back then where certain times of the day were scheduled. So like every channel, every ITV played Cilla Black's Blind Date at 8 o'clock.

But before then, you had like Granada Tonight or maybe you had London Weekend. I had London Weekend. Yeah. Obviously, it's not a thing that you had. What did you have? Grundy. Granada. Granada. Granada.

That was what we had in the North West. We had Thames during the week with the reflection of St. Paul's logo. And then London Weekend television on the weekend. But regional programmes are kind of gone now. They're close to you get when you go, oh, now go to your area for your local news after the main headlines. Oh, yeah. You get that. It's kind of it.

It's a shame, really, isn't it? Most TV just doesn't have the money in it anymore. Well, they do, but they just go, oh, let's do a load of repeats and let's slap a load of dramas on. They call it ITV12345. Now, I've got to stop drinking this fucking lollipop because I'm drooling like a prick. He's drooling like Lakey Ken.

Yeah, pre-cum John. Right. So, it'scum John. Right. So, it's all right, that, really, at the time. And also, it's strange to hear just a sort of really... It's like a kind of audio magazine, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I mean. It's ephemeral. The interviews are just like an interview that you might get on a live show or something.

You know what I mean? They're not rehearsed. Well, they're taken from the live show. That's what I'm saying. They're taken from it, yeah. So they're filmed for the show, and then what she's done here goes, oh, you can buy this album anywhere in the country now,

and it has the things that you've missed on it. Yeah. So you'd never have heard these conversations. But you know what I mean? There's not much to it. It's all faff. Yeah, but that's what a magazine kind of is. It's faff, isn't it?

I know, but it's unusual with the modern sensibility to see a gatefold LP that was just designed as a magazine, just as a throwaway item. This is the thing. It says, also thanks to Lookin Magazine for their assistance. And I'm guessing basically maybe they designed the artwork. They did. It's like a magazine, like a teen mag, isn't it? But it's in the form of a gatefold.

I wonder if they did more. Whether that was like a one-off and maybe not enough people bought it. Who knows? Because maybe people thought, I don't want to hear Sally James in this band I've never heard of do their middling glam type stuff. No.

You know, a nice curio and a nice bit of nostalgia, I think, as well. Yes. What would you think? What would you think so far? Your opinion of that? It's very interesting as a curio

and yeah. Great feedback, mate. do you think so far your opinion of that oh it's very interesting as a curio and uh yeah great feedback mate um great opinion i've dropped rob roy does it have actually has does it have any songs by them i know it's only her songs and they're only her songs because i bet you the reason why they did that was because of they can't get the copyright they couldn't afford to put shawadi wadi on or something what have we got? So, moving from Saturday scene to one of the most interesting kind of... I don't even... What would you call it? Like, overnight success, flash in the pan artists from the 70s stroke 80s.

So, same charity shop. This and Saturday scene and the final one were all lumped together. So it looked like a comedy collector or maybe some kind of like entertainment fan. Entertainment fan, yes. So this is an album by an artist called Roy J. And it's a man quite thin on the cover wearing, you know, this kind of old fashioned Alcatraz prison costume. And he's a stand up. And he was super famous for a hot second in the 80s.

And somehow it led to this album. Now, I'm going to go to... There's not much about Roy J online. It's mostly because he was been and gone quite quickly. Why did he go so quickly? Because he was just a shtick and everyone got sick of it. Well, his shtick was... He'd go, ooh, spooky....one-liners. But he was kind of like an emo Phillips everyone got sick of it. Well, his shtick was one-liners,

but he was kind of like an Emo Phillips. He kind of weird kinked everything he did. He had this kind of so they were weak jokes, but he sold them

on the sort of strangeness of it. Yeah. And that was it. Emo was Emo's, but Emo Phillips isn't his material good or is it all just kind of

No, no, I'm not comparing him to Emo Phillips. I'd say Emo Phillips has got a very strange style, but he's got the material to support that style yes where roy jay was more like uh a standard one do you actually remember roy jay from back in the day no and yes yes because i used to go on a lot of comedy forums like cooked and bombed and stories like roy jay would pop up because a lot of people celebrated comedy from all eras and like entertainment and that's where

i kind of went down a rabbit hole with little and large stuff for a while. So anyway, he's got a Facebook appreciation group where people join up to say, remember Roy J. Nah? He's dead. Yes. Well, it's part of the kind of weird myth of Roy J.

I'm just going to read out what the Facebook appreciation page for Roy J. says, all right? Go for it. All right, stop sucking. Sorry. Right. This right, stop sucking. Sorry. Right. This is what this says.

Remember that guy who used to appear on TV back in the late 70s and 80s? He would dress up in a convict's uniform and say, Spook! And slither hither. No. No, I do not remember. That's the problem. No.

A massive favourite in schoolyards all over the country. I mean, maybe because we missed it. That was not our generation. So maybe the people slightly older than us remember Roy Jones. Late 80s, did he say? Late 70s, early 80 we missed it, that was not our generation, so maybe the people slightly older than us remember Roy Jones. Late 80s, did he say? Late 70s, early 80s. No, that wasn't our generation.

That was four or something. A massive favourite in schoolyards all over the country. He also had a great singing voice and made a little-known single, Vehicle, on You Might Need Somebody, which possibly did not even get a full release. Although thought by many to be American,

because that was his style, Roy was of Scots, Irish and Norwegian descent. In the early 70s, following being a Ponton's Bluecoat in Walsham, Lancaster, he started out as a straight gag man and then cheesed a little fame and much notoriety around the clubs when he started to use the catchphrase, K-I-N-L, literally spelt K-I-N-E-L-L. Do you see her? K-I-N-L literally spelled K-I-N-E-L-L do you see it

K-I-N-L I'll shout out my bed he was banned from a couple of clubs most notably one in Withamshire as well I don't know

it doesn't say why as well as being a comedian he was also a singer working with the South African group Four Jacks and a Jill in Rhodesia that was in Barway

in 1975 very strange because that's weird because that tune which is the first one on this lp vehicle yeah i i have a version of which is by an african artist oh that's weird it's not they're not called four jacks no it's not the band were very popular were a very popular draw on tv there having several shows following this he developed the slither routine and broke into TV. He was popular on mid-80s shows like The Laughter House, Seaside

Special, Cracker Jack, those kind of light entertainment gamey show things. I really find it very refreshing when I see a new comedian arrive on the scene with a style that's all his own. And I'd like you to share that rare pleasure with me now. Here's Roy Jay. I'm a friendly stranger in a black sedan Won't you hop inside my car? I've got candy flaws

I'm a traveling man And I will take you to the nearest star Hey. Hi, weirdos. Spook. I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're both okay now. Wow, this place is weird, huh?

Slithered. I met a guy outside tonight. Slithered. On his way to the Olympic Games. I said, are you a pole vaulter? He said, no, German, but how did you know my name? He said no German, but how did you know my name? So how well......and fronted campaigns for square crisps and schweppes.

Hey weird, unrelaxed. They don't know the secret. I tell them, but they're weird. I'll tell you instead. The secret is... Shh! Sparkling drinks from... You know who.

Mate, he's a fucking hero. Roy J exposed himself on stage. He exposed himself on stage. Yeah, so he's a fucking hero. Roy J exposed himself on stage. Square Christmas Schweppes, he exposed himself on stage. Yeah, so he's a hero. Roy J exposed himself on stage at a show and then stormed off stage in Jersey in the 80s because no one laughed at his jokes. Though he denied being drunk,

but this spelt the end of his TV career. He was allegedly convicted for his behaviour. It seems long after his TV career, Ray toured the US supporting PJ Proby for ending up in Benidorm and opening a club. He continued his comedy exploits and died in an Alicante hotel

penniless in 2007, December. His funeral was paid for by a local businessman who was a good friend of Roy and after his body laid unclaimed for two weeks following his death. The funeral was at a crematorium

in Villa Jojoja, January 28th, 22nd, 2008. He spent years battling addiction to gambling, alcohol and substance abuse. He worked the clubs, one being Chaplin's Bar, and was noted for being the comic people saw before the famous stripper, Sticky Vicky, took to the stage with a mix of stripping and magic.

What a story this is. A very talented but tormented guy. Sticky Vicky. But forgotten. So, yeah. That's cool. That whole, like, his whole story, like the Schweppes,

all the details are so redolent of the era, don't you think? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like the square crisps. Have we done that on the league yet? We need to do square crisps on the league. No, we haven't, have we?

No. That's an important entry and We need to do square crisps on the league. No, we haven't, have we? No. That's an important entry and we need to do it. Anyway. Weird. So this Roy J album, it's a collection of just songs. There's nothing funny about them. No. There's no, I mean there's one little bit. And they say

you had a great voice. I would not say that. Let's play a little bit of Vehicle, the most popular track on here. The most one people might know the most. Yes. I'm your friendly stranger in a black sedan Won't you hop inside my car? I got candy flies, I'm a lovable man I'll take you to the nearest star

I'm your vehicle woman Take you anywhere you want to go I'm your vehicle woman By now I'm sure you know That I love you, oh won't you? I need you, got to have you, child Great God in heaven You see, his problem is he can hold a note, but it sounds like he's faking a stupid voice to sing. Yeah, he just doesn't have much going on in the way of musical talent.

And what's interesting is that depending on the song he changes his singing style yeah so like one minute he's kind of like trying to affect a kind of a he's doing a club singer

Isaac Hayes kind of thing yeah not in a racist way but just in a kind of intonation a soul sort of soul take and then he's doing

like Curtis Stigers type stuff and he also does sort of it veers quite heavily into sort of club singer sort of style yeah there's one bit where I club singer yeah sort of stuff doesn't i said to you why is he singing like wc fields yeah he sounded just like just like wc fields but the only

the thing is the bass on that tunes it's well produced it's a well-produced album but it's like i was saying to you it's like that chevy chase comedy album uh album he made where it's like you give a big high profile star an album and they either fill it with two earnest type covers or barrels of unfunny shit. Yeah. And Chevy Chase found the line between doing both at the same time. But this is him trying to be a heartfelt singer. Now, we should point out about this LP the copy that you've bought yeah

has been signed by the man himself I know I didn't even notice that until you pointed it out it says to Joanna love and peace then he's got spooks

yeah his catchphrase in a circle and then it has his name Roy J 1983 or 5 but then he's also it's 3 or 5

it's probably 83 I can imagine this album came out. And then it says Bailey's underneath. And whoever, Joanna probably, who owned the record, has put tape over it so it wouldn't rub off. Yeah. There's strips of tape.

So if anyone wants a signed, rare copy in reasonably good condition of Roy J, please get in touch. He's got Brothel Creepers. That's the name of those shoes, isn't it? Yeah. Brothel Creepers and prison. And white gloves. This that's the name of those shoes isn't it brothel creepers and a prison and white gloves

this whole thing's just slightly weird isn't it and bizarre it's like a creepy my mask kind of thing where he's doing a smooth

jazz comedy take and there's that picture that's on the cover on the back plus another two photos of him in the same pose that must have been

that's what I don't get it's sort of one leg raised and the hip... Like he's been caught walking in the dark. Like he's tiptoeing. Yeah. In the middle of tiptoeing. Spotlights come on and he's been frozen. Yes.

So one of him is just in a normal kind of outfit, like a polo net, black polo net and sort of flares and brothel creepers. And then there's one... Wee Willie Winky style. Where he's in a nightie. Yeah. And one of those night hats they used to... Yeah Wee Willie Winky style. Where he's in a nightie. Yeah. And one of those... What, night hats they used to...

Yeah, Wee Willie Winky. Did people used to wear those? Nightcaps. Weird pointy nightcap. Yeah. Why? It's weird, isn't it? Maybe people thought

headdress for bed was a thing once. I bet fucking Jacob Rees-Smogg still has one. I bet he fucking does. Yeah. Maybe Roy J's Jacob Rees-Smogg. Yeah. No, but that's the other thing.

So there was a story that he may have faked his death. Who, Roy J? Yeah. Well, no. Jacob Reap's smog. Yeah. No, but that's the other thing. So there was a story that he may have faked his death. Who, Roy J? Yeah. Well, no. Didn't you just say that? It's just because he dropped off the radar that people didn't know

he was dead or not. It became a... It's quite sad. Did he ever exist? Yeah, yeah. It's quite sad. What's also interesting is that the closest this comes

to tapping into his musical, his comedy background is the reggae version of Whiter Shade of Pale. Fucking bizarre. Which takes up 50% of Side B. Shall we have a little listen to some of that? Just the beginning where he does for whatever reason, a tribute to

Bill and Ben the Flowerpot. It's fucking bizarre. Here we go. Hi! Sliver Hooda! Hi, slither hither, the spook is back. This song is for the girl who smokes so many dog ends she's got hard pad of the lips. Reggie music, huh? It comes from Kingston, Jamaica, and so do two lovable people called Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men. Ooh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Sha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Sha-ba-ba-ba. Where I'm Bill gone with the weed barn. We skip the light blind and go. Turn cartwheels across the floor. And then it goes, and then it, without any sort of humour,

it just carries on being a reggae version of White Shade of Pale. A terrible one. But you know what I will say? I can kind of see why he did that version of it. Because you know the chorus? It does sound kind of Jimi Hendrix-y.

Do you know what I mean? The chorus of White Shade of Pale does have a slightly... I don't know if it's like a reggae thing, but it's got this kind of soul to it. Well, it's famously based on, on, what? Handle.

Yeah. The organ line. Isn't it? Is it Handle? Or it's one of those, the classical composer. But it's lifted from that, isn't it?

The actual, I love White A Shade Of Pale. It's a great song. I love that song. This one, you just go. It was huge. Apparently 67,

it was like beating the Beatles and it was like and it was number one for a long time. That's when songs like that could be number one. You know? Yeah. And then after that, there's not been anything like that. You don't like anything, do you? Anyway. I just said I like both White A Shade Of Pale

and Bohemian Rhapsody. His socks disturb me as well. They're so white. Because they're clean. That's what you're unhappy about. Oh, right. Because yours are full of your dead semen. Choc-a-block with dusty death.

Hey. So Roy J., an interesting kind of comedy curio. I just want to point out as well. Yeah. Strange little anomaly on the cover. It's got a range produced by da-da-da-da-da. And then it says Steve Sanger,

drums and percussion and Chic. Was there a band called Chic? There certainly was. They were very popular. And what kind of music did they do?

You know Chic. For the listeners, come on. I'm encouraging conversations so we can learn something. Chic did Niles Rogers

and Bernard Summers. Yeah. Bernard Summers. I don't know. Sumner. Sumner. Chic are a group They did Sheik Sheer

Yeah Disco Freak Out Disco Digga dig dig dig dig dig dig Yeah They did Sister Sledge We Are Family

That's Sheik Okay good Right Now And The Vehicle The first song Because I know

I have a version of this Yeah They've got the name wrong Of the writer of the writer. Of the writer, completely. Completely wrong. Well, it's pre-internet. The guy goes, oh, it looks a bit like that.

I can't see it from a distance. No one cares. No one cares. I don't think a lot of people bought this extremely strange looking Roy J album. Well, fucking Joanna did. And she got it signed and probably saw him at a live show. Maybe the one at Jersey where he got his cock out. Maybe he signed it in his willy tears.

Why did he do that? It was just like, he's dying so hard. You think, oh, I'll give you something to laugh about. No. No. I don't know. At that point, I don't want them laughing, especially if I get my cock out.

I know. It's just like, have you won? I've got to make them laugh. I've got to make them laugh. What can I do? I know one thing is guaranteed to make them laugh. The sight of my welted John Hood

the rumour is he was quite well hung that's one of the urban legend parts of that he was a massively endowed man so what the audience

went yeah they went ooh right you're not laughing look at this boom

sonic boom wipes out the audience a shockwave like Akira yeah yeah anyway Boom! Sonic Boom wipes out the audience. A shockwave. Like Akira, yeah. Yeah. Anyway. So there you go.

That's our second choice. But now the third and final. What's the third and final platter on Gannon's gramophone today? It's Cannon and Ball's Together album. Mate, I... You have a fondness for them because they are scouse. They're not scouse. Are they not? No, they're from New Yorkshire.

Tell you what, Oldham Langashire is where Tommy Cannon is from. Bobby Ball was near Oldham. Forgive me. Forgive me. I thought there was... Cannon and Ball were a double act, big in the very late 70s, early 80s, on ITV. Now, at this time in entertainment,

everyone was basically trying to fill the void of Morecambe and Wise who were the fucking probably the best double act Britain's ever had

well the most popular for sure yeah because you know people would argue that people are funny or whatever but no one loves

Morecambe and Wise more than Britain yeah which I know sounds like a stupid thing but no they were

I don't care for it that much but you can see that it's you can see why it's good yeah if you watch it you know what I mean it doesn't really

and when Eddie Brabham started writing for them that's when he started tapping into that beautiful relationship they had they were a national treasure weren't they so

in that time in the late 70s and early 80s they were trying to bring in new blood now the BBC for whatever reason went with Little and Large we've spoken about Little and Large and I'll say it again

I don't get Little and Large I don't get what they do no i don't get how they do it he's just used to do a deputy dog impression i mean look ian lee recently interviewed uh little and large or certainly eddie large recently and it was a very nice conversation about the career and their thing and so it's like i'm not so much judging the people as so much as the quality of their material which I'm like and the market that allowed them to become big

because the thing is nowadays they look at a double act on YouTube and they go like they're 20 we'll grab them put them on the TV

as soon as possible whereas Little and Large Cannonball Morecambe and Wise they'd all spent years on the club circuit on the club circuit

doing the very worst gigs available. The most terrifying. That stand-up today could not fucking deal with. Physical danger. They were probably in physical danger if they didn't do well. Maybe, yeah. Of maybe catching some kind of disease from the stage.

There's a lot of stories about Glasgow gigs. Everyone feared the Glasgow gigs. I'm very vague with this, but I remember reading a book or watching a documentary about someone like Des O'Connor or something like that saying, we panicked when we did that. Wow.

Can you imagine actually how scared you'd be? The crowd would turn on you. So, yeah. So Cannon and Ball were part of that resurgence of new double acts. But they definitely did their time in the men's clubs. Well, yeah, they were both of a similar upbringing. So both in the North, both very, very poor, both scraped by to keep food on the table.

So it says here, Tommy Cannon on the back of this album says, oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, let me find this. No, Bobby Ball says, in our family there were five, two sisters, mum and dad and me. Let me find this. No, Bobby Ball says, in our family, there were five, two sisters, mum and dad and me. It was often difficult to make ends meet. So lunchtime, me and my sisters would go to the local cotton mill

with our singing act and it put bread on the table. So literally, they would just go up, knock on the door of a factory and say, we'll sing and they'd get a couple of quid. And then they'd go and buy some bread so they could eat. Wow.

And Tommy Cannon, similar thing. He started out as a singer. And when they both worked in a building site together as builders. Started doing double act, where they would just do songs. Singing, crooning, something silly. And then one day, someone went up to them and went, you know what? To get more acts, get more gigs, throw in some comedy.

Because you stretch your act out. And then that stumbled and developed. And that became more popular than the singing. Yeah. And then I think they won like an opportunity in Oxford. They got featured on some, you know, search for a star type show. Yeah.

So at the time, Little and Large were big at the BBC doing their, I'm going to call it kids comedy because it wasn't smart. It was very broad. And by and large, if it wasn't racist once a week, they hadn't fulfilled their remit. No, they were terrible. So what, you're saying Little and Large came before Cannonball?

A little bit. A little bit. Well, this is the thing, Cannonball were coming up. They're classier, but they're just better. Frankly, I mean, look, it's a different era, different comedy tastes and things like that, so I completely understand why people think this is old-fashioned. When you compare the quality of the sketches

Cannon and Ball did on TV to the quality of sketches that were on Little and Large and it's a world of difference. A world. Okay, so I'm going off on a tangent because I get really excited

about Cannon and Ball because they're a bit cheesy and like entertainment-y but they had an edge that Little and Large never had. And Little and Large was basically a bullying act

whereas Cannon and Ball was a bullying act, but it made sense. Right. Because they'd both give and take. Yeah. Cannon would throw the ball down and then Ball would fight back

with something surreal and weird. Yeah. But whereas Little and Large, it was just Large having a go at Little. He's trying to sing and then he does a load of impressions to put him off and annoy him. I mean, that was it.

And then every now and then they'd cut to Elkie Brooks singing. It's that kind of thing. So Cannonball, what I'm saying is this is a wrong of impressions to put him off and annoy him. I mean, that was it. And then every now and then they'd cut to Elkie Brooks singing. It's that kind of thing. So, Callum and Bull, what I'm saying is, this is a wrong precursor to say, they brought out an album at the height of their fame in, I think this is 82, 82. And it makes sense.

Because remember, they started out as a singing act. So what's on this album? Don't know. Songs. Yeah, it's just songs. The first track, which I'm going to play a clip of now, is their theme tune, Together We'll Be Okay, which is the big cannonball theme tune from their TV show.

So it's this. It's this. Laugh me a laugh, grin me a grin And then I know that we can win Dance me a dance, joke me a joke And blow the clouds away You gotta play me a tune, sing me a song And we can help push life along Just you and me, come on and see, together we'll be okay. Open the door, open your heart, and then we've got somewhere to start. Just turn around, look what we've found, today's a brand new day. You gotta run with me now now I'll show you how the world is waiting

take a bow show them it's you what you can do together we two can win and I'm going to go and say it right now you like it I think

after Morecambe and Wilderness Bring Me Sunshine this is the best theme tune for a double act in comedy in the 1980s. Do you know what I thought

it was going to be when it comes in? Close to you by The Carpenters. It starts like that, doesn't it? Yeah. Why do birds... But no, I really like it. It's got that entertainment feel

for a show. It's also a kind of nice Bring Me Sunshine kind of thing. It's not that bad. So the rest of the songs are fine. Not very good. It's like, you know, the rest of the songs are fine. Not very good. It's like, you know when we compared it to Ross Abbott?

Yes. And Ross Abbott is a cheap-sounding, cheesy... Oh, he's awful. Very bad. He's just awful. Bad album. Yeah. This is just...

It's light entertainment. Cruise ship album. It's cruise ship stuff. You can imagine that when they were going on doing their tours around the theatres and doing the Blackpool shows, they would come on do a sketch start with together we'll be okay sketch sketch banter and then a song a serious ballad and then a silly song and then and this album's basically that experience but it's weird it's again it's a totally different era where where entertainment could contain both comedy and songs yeah where you don't get that these days.

They want you to be... You know, Bill Burr doesn't do an album. Do you know what I mean? Like... Well, it's more like... Louis C.K. doesn't do songs, you know? He just wanks into pop lines in front of vulnerable... No, but it's like Ant and Dec would be maybe the closest to that.

That's true, yes. Because they present, they act, and they've done a saga. And they do comedy. They do skits. They do bits, don't they? I mean, don't forget, their SMTV was the last beautiful gasp of Saturday morning TV before it disappeared away forever. I wasn't aware of that.

Did they do a Saturday morning thing? Yeah, SMTV with Cat Dealey. You know what I liked? What? Banana Bunch. It was like... Was it the animals in the huge suits? Yeah. Like a band? Na, na, na, na, na, na.

That's Banana Splits. Sorry, that's Banana Splits. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. But then they had little cartoons, didn't they, in it as well? But it was like a mixed show. Was it Hanna-Barbera's show? Yes. Or was it the guy who did...

No, it was Barbera. Was it? Hanna-Barbera. And it wasn't the other guy who did Line of the Lost and stuff like that? No, it was Hanna-Barbera. Fine. I think. I'm not sure.

Oh, I don't know. People will correct us on Reddit or below in this thing. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make... Fuck that. No, it was Hanna-Barbera. Fine. I think. I'm not sure. Oh, I don't know. People will correct us on Reddit or below in this thing. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make... Fuck it. Oh, God. Go on. No, I don't really have a point.

I'm just getting excited. You like. He's very excited, ladies and gentlemen. I just think, like, their sketches were good. They were a bit surreal. There's a bit of anger

and edge to them. Lovely show. Simple. And you compare it to, like, what Little and Large were doing. You just think, oh, I want everything to eat me. I want to be eaten by my own fucking like rib cage my foot i want my rib cage to come alive oh my foot's chomping down oh it's i've been eating by my own face

um but anyway i think i've mentioned this before but canon and bull were originally going to be in uh bruce forsyth's big night out which was the the show that Bruce Forsythe did when he moved to ITV. Didn't... Which was a big get for ITV. Right. But didn't someone else have a Big Night Out? Vic Reeves did, yeah. But that was kind of the point.

That was spoofing those kind of shows. So Bruce Forsythe did this show. It was a massive flop. But that was going to be Cannon and Ball's big breakout. It was going to be featured on it. And why weren't they included? Bruce, he didn't like it at the time basically they said

Brucey wants to sing one more song with Simon Davis Jr so I'm going to cut your bit and then it was like alright and then the next week it was like

they just never put them on so as a sorry they got a pilot to make a sketch show and that was a success and then that's what led to Cannon and Ball

they got they had their own show yeah based on the fact that they were treated badly on Bruce Forsyth so it turned out alright for them

yeah and look this album's fine there's one other song on it called Everybody's Making It Big But Me which has really

the only off-putting moment on the whole album it is quite off-putting so Everybody's Making It Big But Me is a song originally by Doctor Hook and it's a nice

silly little song about how everyone's famous. Great line in there about Elton John having two hot ladies. Different times. But then there's a bit where he's talking about how he has to kind of put mascara on and lipstick to compete with Bowie and stuff. As in the original song, that's the lyric. Except in this version, Tommy Cannon says, you're a puffer. No, I'm not.

And that's it. And you just think different times. Very different times. Very different times very different times very different times that is a slur but it's troubling you know

with the modern ear hole listening to it it is a trouble it kind of makes you go ugh but album as a whole if you're a Cannon and Ball fan you want to hear them sing

you actually like it Paul I do I like Together We'll Be Okay I love listening to it I listened to it yesterday when it was a bit down it really fucking really yeah I was walking down the street going to morrison's

and i was like oh it's raining i'm miserable and it was like and i was singing and that's their theme that's their signature tune is it yeah that was their theme tune that was written for them apparently tommy balls bobby ball said well they didn't think it was real them getting this show and the first time they felt it was real wasn't when they heard the theme tune that was written for them for that show and I imagine

that would be kind of cool to go I've got a little theme tune for you and it was a man called Mr Hess was it yeah he'd written a few

other TV themes I think recently like Ballykiss Angel so that's not recently but things like that so they're my three choices Music for Pleasure that's on the label

Music for Pleasure never heard on the label Music for Pleasure never heard of them you have have I? yeah they used to pump out records

is it kind of like mixes and albums compilations compilations and they do like The World of David Bowie where they'd get all the stuff that he hadn't licensed

or you know they get cheap licenses for songs and stuff stuff he did before he was signed but there's some good stuff there is some some good stuff

on the Music for Pleasure label okay and it was cheap just a cheap sort of bargain basement label and yeah and you get sort of they do those ones

where they get like session bands to cover the pop hits and all of that like the top of the pop albums yeah but there was a couple of Donovan

early Donovan LPs oh yeah that were on that that are actually nice if you like I don't know too much about Donovan but there you go

that is my vinyl my Gannon's Gramophone selection today it was an interesting selection Paul and we're mining this vein of naffness

as we do yeah and I like it I like a bit of naff I'll end up listening to those more than maybe you know band albums we'll as we do. Yeah, and I like it. I like the bit of naff. I'll end up listening to those more than maybe, you know, band albums. We'll do naff on this show, Paul. Naff is a laugh on Cheap Show, isn't it?

Yes, it certainly is. And not niff. Not the niff that when you peel back the... Can't all be winners with the silverman. It is a numbers game. I have fucking hit the wall today. I'm sorry. Right, let's sign off.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Cheap Show. That certainly was. It was. It was. Now, yeah. Come on, Paul. Do the end of the show.

Yeah. I'm going to do it when you've burned out all your fucking boring, sad little shouts and exertions that you do when I'm trying to get information out. You're trying to information. Information me, Paul. Trying to information me. You can't come here trying to information me. Just, that's it. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah! Go! Are you finished? No. Come on, then. I'll never be finished. No, you's all I'm saying. Yeah! Go! Are you finished? No. Come on, then. I'll never be finished. No, you will. I won't.

Yeah. When? When? When will I be finished, then? Can I just say, you said a lady of later years. Yeah. That's not an actual thing. Later years.

What, she's a lady of the late 80s? Of the later years. Like, she's in her 80s, yeah. No. What? A lady of advanceds, yeah. No. What? A lady of advanced years, you'd say.

You know what? When you start doing more hits on this podcast and being funny, then you can correct me. More hits on this podcast? Yeah, when you start knocking it out of the park more, then start criticising

my efforts, alright? But until then, it's a very small greenhouse making those stones are awful big. So, behave yourself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're getting

too fucking big for this podcast. Am I? That's your fucking problem. No, I'm not. Yes yeah. Yeah. You're getting too fucking big for this podcast. Am I? That's your fucking problem. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. You're fucking shaking it around. Movie star.

Yeah. We'll talk about that. Don't you worry, mate. No, listen. Just because... No, we're not. No. It doesn't matter.

You put a vote to the people. It's not... You put a vote in front of the people about whether they wanted sources on the show or not. And unequivocally, unequivocally, they said yes. No. You know what, mate? It doesn't matter.

We do want sauces. No one cares. We do want sauce. No one cares. What about gummy douche? Oh, mate. Seriously, it is a numbers game. It is.

It really is, mate, isn't it? It really is. You're doing well toothbrush chocolate right okay yeah what next um um bubble gum shampoo gummy condom yeah i'd eat a little pocket of i'd eat that jelly yeah a little pocket of raspberry jelly 10 cc's of a creamy goosh at the bottom of it oh creamy goosh so you sucked of it. Oh, creamy goosh. So you suck... Do you know what?

What? Not a bad idea. You're on your chupa chups. Yeah. Where can they go if they want to see photos of all the stuff we've covered in the show, Paul? They can go to our website, thecheapshow.co.uk, because we have a dedicated page for every episode of Cheap Show, bar the early ones, when I didn't want to do that.

What? It doesn't matter. The first 14 episodes don't have dedicated pages because we built the website after those 14 went out. And lost to the mists of time, dear. Lost to the mists of time.

Lost to the mists of time, dear. If you want to follow us on Twitter, please do. It's at thecheapshowpod. I'm at PaulGannonShow. And Eli is? Eli Snow, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D.

You can follow us there. We've got a page on Reddit. You can get involved with the conversation there. Review us on iTunes. I don't know how many people we might be offending when you play in that.

Oh, I hope not. You never know. It's a very strange object. We're talking about the globe thing again. If anyone does have any... I'm trying to wrap the show up. If anyone does know,

just let us know. It looks like a castle on top of an island that's a rock and it's orange. Yeah, things we said half an hour or so ago. Well, I'm just reiterating.

Also, shut up, I haven't finished. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, it is patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Anything you do to support us there

is gratefully received and hopefully we will give you something back. Thank you very much. I've decided. I've got something on this, Paul. Yeah, I have got something on this. Okay so. I've shaved

my beard off. Yeah. Recently. So you can't do nozzle oily nozzles. No. For the patrons. Yeah. What about. Let's just cut out the middle man. Pubes. Yeah. Straight on. A ball slap. Why can't we make it. Oil up the balls. Yeah. Whopper whopper whopper.

Yeah. The pink pancake of the night. Whack Oil up the balls. Yeah. Whopper, whopper, whopper. Yeah? The pink pancake of the night. Whack him on the window. Yeah. All right. You're going to be in pain, though, if you do that. I'll be in pain.

These people have, you know. I'll make good money for you to whack your balls on their window. I'll flop it out. Get some beard oil on my nuts. Where's the rule book that says you can't put beard oil on your nuts? There's no. There's no rule book. You've got a good point. Whopper, whopper, whopper.

Why don't we come up with a selection of Eli Paltas's? Whopper, whopper. There's no, Rupert. You've got a good point. Whoop-a-whoop-a-whoop-a. Why don't we come up with a selection of Eli Pontus's? Whoop-a-whoop-a-whoop-a-whoop-a. What's that in the garden? It's Eli. He's whooping his nuts on the window.

Whoop-a-whoop-a-whoop-a. Sprying. Whoop. As I say, mate, it's a numbers game. Can't all be winners. Yeah, no. None of them are winners. If you support us, that would be lovely. If you don't, don't worry. Thank you very much. That's what I was going to say, mate, it's a numbers game. Can't all be winners. Yeah, no. None of them are winners.

If you support us, that would be lovely. If you don't, don't worry. Thank you very much. That's what I was going to say, Paul. That is what actually I was going to say. Yeah. There's a video of the noodle pimping from the last episode. If you support us with a donation of $5 per month.

Yes. You can watch that. Any things we film on Cheap Show as part of our segments will be uploaded to YouTube and then watched only by patrons of $5 or more.

Aha. That's exciting. We're going to try and make as many films as we can and special little episodes on and off. We're going to try

and do that for you. At least once a month. There will be, Noodle fans, there will be an advanced, I'd like to think of that as the beginning chapter

in the book of Noodle Pimping that I'm well I'm developing in this show Paul oh yeah yes watch out

because I'll take it elsewhere so what else I'll take my noodles elsewhere yeah I will if I thought you had any proactive ability within you I'd be worried

but I don't because you don't I'll take my noodles elsewhere where are you going to take them ITV there you are, yeah. London Weekend Television. Yeah, because that

exists. That doesn't exist, but I could relaunch the brand. Again, if I thought you had any business acumen, I'd be concerned. But, mate, I love you. I love you and everything, because we're mates, but you're fucking useless. There were some things that we didn't do on the... Mate, we're saving it

for next time. Sorry. These were fucking shitty. Can were some things that we didn't do on the... Mate, we're saving it for next time. Sorry. These were fucking shitty. Can I finish the fucking show? Weren't they? Can I finish the show? You don't need a post-mortem within the show. You can email us anything you'd like. A tale from the dance floor,

a tale from the shop floor, an adventure, something you've seen, something you've bought, thecheapshowatgmail.com. And if you want to go to iTunes and give us a nice review to offset that rather upsetting one.

Vile. I bet they're anti... She's just speculating that we're anti-Semitic. Why? I don't know. She didn't like the cut of our jib. He or she.

We will never know. But they are angry. And if you're listening still, ah, fuck them. I don't give a shit. If they're listening, then whatever. But if that was you,

if that was you who wrote the little note, I'll find you. I have a special set of skills and you'll regret it. Are you doing a taken? Am I? He's just taken.

Am I? Yeah. I have no idea how to end this episode. No, you can't, don't you? I think I've done all the information, haven't I?

The website, yeah. We're on Facebook, we're on Twitter, we're on Reddit, we're on SoundCloud, iTunes, Stitcher, Leave a Review, Spotify, we've crossed a million downloads, awards episode coming real soon. Lots of stuff. Marshmallow

Pampers. They can't all be a winner. Can't be a winner. Goodbye, everyone. Bye-bye. Bye.