CheapShow - Ep 123: Episode 46: Dark Tower

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

In this week's episode Paul and Eli discover Incoming Transmission ...Our last ever episode will It's another episode of the economy comedy podcast! This week, Gannon and Biffo once again look at another strange book called which will get you clenching! ...and in another Gannon's Golden Games, we investigate "Dark Tower" and ponder, "Is this the best Charity Shop Find ever on CheapShow?" ...As well geriatric erotica, hiding amongst wax works and how your anus can help you be happy! With very special thanks to Rich Wentworth and The Hadron Gospel Hour Podcast  www.hadrongospelhour.com @HadronGospel See pics accompanying this episode at: www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-123-episode-46-dark-tower And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @mrbiffo If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

So there we are ladies and gentlemen. That was... Spoff... Wanking your dick. That was the last ever Price for Shite. Eli won it. Fair and square. A nice way to end this

very last episode. Very good. And it was very cheap items there Paul. The most expensive was only 700 billion pounds What a What a bargain that was Bucket change Absolute bargain that was

That was well done Absolutely Well It's at the home of the show now We've got to say goodbye Oh W W

W No no no We're closing it all down mate We don't need to Eli snored Eli No we don't do Twitters We haven't done Twitter in 30 years.

Don't do it. What do they do now? No, they just... Mind void, innit? Mind void. You upload your sentiments to mind void and it just gets neuro-passed to every downloadable quinnlet. It's the future, Eli.

Land of the... Land of the... Land of the law. Thank you. Anyway, thank you very much. It's the last ever cheap shot, Paul. Last ever cheap. Mate, it's been 40 years.

How long? 40 years. 40 years. Anyway, we just wanted to say thank you for supporting us for 50 odd years. It's been a ride. And we can't do it in the... No, we've got... We can't do it in the home, the got We can't do it in the home The robot care home

We're both scheduled for death next week Oh Every year they cull people over a certain age And it's high time Oh so it's a bit like Logan's run is it It's a bit like Logan's run That was what I was inferring You're not sounding very old anymore

Shut up So thank you for listening. But it's time. He's lost it. Oh, the wee-wee's coming. He's lost it. Paul. I've lost control of my bladder because I'm an old man.

Paul. Yeah, well, let's just say goodbye. All you cheapskates who've listened. W-W-W. No, stop it. We don't do that no more. Right. I love you.

Wankin'. Wankin'. Goodbye. Thank you for listening. Wankin. Goodbye. Thank you for listening to Cheap Show. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Oh, my. Nothing relieves the existential ennui of being trapped in a bunker that's floating outside of time-space quite like an episode of Cheap Show.

By the chemistry between Paul Gannon and Eli Silverman, the frank discussions about bodily fluids and austerity. Well, I almost can't imagine what I'd do without their... Oh, wait a minute. What did they say? Something about this being their final transmission? No, that can't be so. Ashley, rewind the tape and replay that last bit. Will do, Doctor. A nice way to end this very last episode.

Very good. Gads, this cannot be. Ashley, enhance 150%. Incoming. A nice way to end this very last episode. Very last episode. Very last. Very last.

Very last episode. Very good. Now reverse. Oh, no. This is much worse than I thought. I know what I must do. I must hunt down and find another Timelines Cheap Show at all costs. Ashley, please notify me when you find a match for...

Oh, that was quick. Ashley, please play this sweet, sweet episode of Parallel Universe Cheap Show. You've lost weight is that sincere yeah you're looking healthy I don't think I have lost weight you do you look good

well that's very strange I had my hair cut yeah yeah which one that's good isn't it I did a joke yeah

well maybe it was the my head looks thinner that's it your head looks thinner. That's it, your head looks thinner, and it's made your body go out of whack, visually. It's all gone wrong, there's a glitch in the matrix. Anyway, I'll do the intro, shall I? I shall do the intro. If you really want to. Yes, as always... Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast, with me, Paul Gannon, and my co-host...

Mr Biffo. Oh, it's where we go through the power lines, the bargain bins, and the... Get it out. Pardon. This is going to be carry-on, isn't it, today? A little bit rude. What did I say? Power lines, bargain bins, charity shops. That's him. That's what they're called.

We've only been doing this for 20 years. I know. I know. Feels like yesterday It does feel like yesterday Yesterday All my troubles How does it go next? There seemed to How do you not know

The next line of that song? I've dried up Yesterday All our troubles Seem so far away And now it feels like They're here to stay Oh I believe in yesterday

I don't think they're the lyrics I don't think they're the lyrics. I don't think they're the lyrics. Are you accusing me or not? I believe in the Loch Ness Monster. The only I believe I know is the one by those two guys from Soldier Soldier. They did a song called that? I believe for every drop of rain that falls.

What about? I'm singing. A flower grows. I believe that every time a tortoise cries, I blow my nose. I believe. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. What about the Cher song? I believe.

I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.

I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.

I believe. I believe. Any more I believe? Orville? No, we don't talk Orville. No, sorry. Do you know what? I got confused.

It was R. Kelly that did I Believe I Can Fly, wasn't it? Not Orville. Yes, it was. I didn't know your Kelly did that. Was it R. Kelly? No, it was your Kelly. R. Kelly. R. Kelly.

Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. Hey, you and your digi-possy. I turned around and Michael McIntyre was looking right at it. It's Gannon's Golden Games. Biffo's Bibliography. Welcome to Cheap Show. Clicky click. Clicks help me recognise visually on the timeline where I put the theme tune.

Our lovely theme tune. That's what the clicking's for. Some people have asked me, I hear clicking every now and then, and I go, yeah, that's the thing for the thing, and I should have edited it out. What I was impressed with is that you did your clicking with your pelvis. Yeah, come on, that's not even a joke anymore. I mean, back problems and everything. I know, but at least it's not a slipped disc, eh?

It's not a slipped disc then, eh? Yeah. Oh, right, there's winky news. Winky news. I'm going to make it brief, because we're still in the process of putting it all together But apparently Someone reached out to the website via email

And said I'm the woman who got married on the billboard Do you want more details That's insane I know That happened to me once Do you remember Castaway 2000 The TV show Yeah where it was Ben Fogle

Where he was first discovered Was he discovered like that? Yeah, he was living on an island. It was like he thought the Vietnam War was still going on. Yeah, he was like that Japanese guy who still thought the war was going on in 1973. Yeah, but I wrote an article about that years ago

on a website that I had at the time, and one of the women from it contacted me about the... Anyway, I've pre-empted and ruined your Winky news. That was it. No, that was it. I don't want to go too far at this point because I think she's obviously listening

and I want to make sure that the information is correct. So it's an exciting development. It is. I will say that. I know. I wasn't expecting that. This is a twist. When we first discovered Winky, you and I, together...

Yeah, I remember that. That warm winter eve, that uncommonly warm winter's eve where you and first discovered Winky, you and I, together. Yeah, I remember that. That warm winter eve. That uncommonly warm winter's eve where you and I discovered Winky. Bundled up, you know. Things changed forever. Wooden igloo. Is that a euphemism? It sounds like one. A brown igloo. Yeah.

Oh, I went round to her place. You know, what happened? I gave her a wooden igloo. I don't even know what it is. It sounds filthy. Oh, my igloo's gone all woody. Oh, he has. I should have got splinters. I couldn't make that work.

I couldn't make that work. I didn't top it. Right, so on the cheap show today, the Economy Comedy Podcast for your ears, we're doing a few lovely familiar games. Obviously, Gannon's golden games is back love it but i'm looking forward to another one of your auditions of uh biffo's bibliography yeah i've got a couple of gems for you this week do you yeah yeah you want to give us a little

tease well one of them the title is how to goodbye depression how that's not even a sentence how to say goodbye to depression would make more sense how to goodbye depression by horoyuki nishigaki that's easy almost for you to say do you want do you want the uh subtitle yeah book it is if you constrict anus 100 times every day yeah full stop yeah malarkey question mark or effective way oh i see so it's basically saying can retracting your arsehole help with depression? Or is it absolute heffalumps? Yeah. So we're going to find out. I look forward to it.

Alright, cool. And I've got a very, very special Ganon's Golden Games that we're not going to play, but we are going to talk about in depth because it's too visual and it's fucking complicated. Can we not paint a picture for the people with our words? Yeah, that is the art of podcasting, isn't it?

Yeah, good point. Yeah, it is. You'd think I'd know that after being doing this so long. You'd think you'd know after all these years working with me, your good old pal, Paul Michael Gannon. Here's a question. Okay. Mr. Biffo.

Yeah. Does Mr. Biffo have a first name? No. No, well, it was just from Biffo Yeah Does Mr Biffo have a first name? No No well it was just from Biffo the Bear You know from The Dandy Creatively bankrupt oaf

Well it wasn't meant to be a thing It was meant to be When someone asked me Oh what's your name? And it was like Oh good Mr Biffo So you Kaiser Soza-ed it Yeah

You just went That thing That there So yeah I just wondered if it was like Mr Stephen Biffo or Mr. Alan Biffo. I was going to ask you to suggest something,

but if your suggestions are that awful. Bankrupt. Creatively. What about Hercules? I thought you were going to say herpes. Herpes Biffo. Herpes Biffo. Actually, cancel that.

That's going to catch on. No, that sounds like a euphemism as well. Odin. Yeah. Oh, she's got a horrible case of Hercules Bifo It does sound like a Latin name It does I'm sorry

You've got three weeks to live You've got Hercules Bifo And that's what's coming up On the show today Let's get going shall we Go on You've got a choice Choice of two this week

I'll take her Well Send the other one away Get out wench So you can either have Well You've got a choice. Choice of two this week. I'll take her. Well. Send the other one away. Get out, wench. So you can either have, well, Goodbye Depression. How to Goodbye Depression, to be exact. Or you can have a book entitled Granny Fanny. The problem is, I'm obviously going to pick Granny Fanny, aren't I?

I'm going to pick Granny Fanny. We can do both. Dip into both. Let's start with how to goodbye depression, since we toyed with that at the start. Before dipping into Granny Fanny. Hang on, what's your jingle? Do your jingle.

It's Biffo's Bibliography, yeah. I like the death breath at the end. It's like someone's last request before. All right, love. It's nice, that. So, this book, it portrays a novel method for beating depression and other issues

such as sexual impotency by constricting your anus 100 times a day. Yeah, you leave that book here before you go. You don't need the book. I'm doing it as we speak. Yeah, I can tell. So it makes no sense. But what I mean by that, not only does the method make no sense,

the way the book is laid out literally makes no sense. Okay. He appears to have started his theory on a news group, a depression news group. So he's gone onto a website? Well, no, a news group. That's a thing.

Do you not know what news groups are? No. For the love of God, you've been on the internet before. Yeah, but you know where I go. Well, yeah, there should be plenty of those. It's nude groups I go to. In the days before forums

and reddit things like that you had news groups called things like alt dot depression oh okay alright fine alright good

so this is just like so it's like a forum then people go on they talk about shit basically they were like a forum you should have said forum then shouldn't you news group

with your fancy fucking words just because you're in the media. Barely. They don't want me. So anyway, so he began by posting in this depression news group about his theory about constricting anus 100 times. Now, he has cut and pasted his exchanges on this news group at points throughout the book.

So huge sways of this book, as well as kind of there being chapters where he explains the theory about constricting 100 times a day. It's full of people taking the piss out of him. Yeah, of course. And it's put in the book without any context or without any warning. There's no flow to it just the points you get these uh these exchanges i just can't believe it because it's one of these things where it's like if you are on forum and then someone posts i know how to beat depression clench your eyes 100 times wink you think oh here's another fucking troll going out you wouldn't think

he's this guy trying to write a book about it well there's there's people in there kind of sort of saying yeah this might not be the best place for this. Yeah. This is a serious news group, but then they, because he doesn't let it go. So they, you know, he,

he just keeps, keeps his theories banging away at it. And then, then he gets particularly angry and he starts, gets angry. Well,

I don't know if he's angry, but he, he gets quite passionate about it. And he says he's going to start a club called the Anus 100 Club. I got a leaflet about that the other day. Now it makes sense. Let me see if I can find it.

Where's he going? And also, if I got a leaflet saying, do you want to join the Anus 100 Club? There's no way I'm fucking joining it. Not without a copious amount of lip balm okay so here is right here's a thing okay here's a thing in the book there are points where it's this is quite difficult to read out um where he says he can make something three times in succession without drawing out however when he refers to this and he refers to it throughout the book,

it's just two asterisks. And it's on the back of the book as well. Furthermore, he can make two asterisks three times in succession without drawing out. What does that? What does any of it mean? To me, it suggests sex technique. The idea of, you know, he can do three pumps.

Well, maybe it is that. Maybe he can do three thrusts. Maybe the asterisks are meant to look like an anus, which they do. But is there no part of the book that says, here's what the asterisks mean? Well, to be honest, I haven't gone that far into it. That's fine. I don't blame you, to be honest. There's people asking him what it means.

But then you get, you know, people in there, I'm so glad i didn't have coffee in my mouth when i read this roll on the floor laughing my ass off i don't think he's read what people have said to him he's he's made a book out of basically copying and texting well no there are there are whole sections such as okay here you go there's um there's whole chapters where he uh does go on about it for instance you go. He talks quite a lot about having diarrhea. Great. So for instance, this he was talking about

one time when he was on a plane flying over the Arctic Circle. And when a big explosion occurred within abdomen one and a half years ago, I felt dizzy and could not stand up for a while. Your abdomen may begin to shoot out a big blank upward through the top of your head. What? And a big vortex of your energy may begin to shoot out a big blank upward through the top of your head. What?

And a big vortex of your energy may begin to whirl automatically within your head, chest, abdomen or legs. What's he fucking talking about? I don't know. All I know is that this is an unhappy guy who's fixated with his arsehole. Yeah, basically. That's it. But he says it can improve your sex life by constricting anus. Now, that's apparently true, though, isn't it?

They say that when they have sex techniques. Like, if you clench your arsehole during sex, it helps prolong ejaculation. Or it helps keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. So to speak, ladies. So, you know, if you're listening and you are a three-pump chump, then by all means, clench your arsehole. Clench it it because that helps I'm doing it now

with me go on I'm doing it there you go let's all do it together that does feel quite nice it's lovely it's like almost like that sense

you get when you go over a bridge too fast in a car and shit yourself no I'm never getting in a car with you yeah

he's talking about old black solid excrement sorry that's was the bit I was reading I'm never getting in a car with you. Yeah, he's talking about old black solid excrement. Sorry, that was the bit I was reading at that point. So does he basically say then that, from what you've read, to deal with depression means you have to concentrate on your arsehole's health? It's your arsehole and your navel.

Your navel? Yeah, you should somehow constrict both a hundred times a day. How do you constrict your navel? Oh, a bit like that. Well, that's your belly, though, isn't it? It's like you're tensing your belly muscles. And these days, it gets harder to bring that back. I haven't seen my navel in years. It's like pulling a huge, heavy duvet down the bottom of the bed.

It's just... Oh, God. Mine's hidden in the rolls. Yeah. My car. Like that Adele song, Hidden in the rolls yeah my car like that Adele song hidden in the rolls is that the song

I don't know so that's there you go if anyone would like to buy that how to goodbye depression can I have a quick look at it I just I'm very keen

is this like self published well I'm assuming so it didn't it came quite quickly when I ordered it our universe well he came quite quickly because you ordered it

hey all thank you very much. I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession every day is effective to goodbye depression and take back youth. So you can do it at a boring meeting. Oh, God. At a boring... You're at a meeting.

Not any other type of meeting. You're all right there. I'm having a whale of a time. What's the deficit this year? Oh. Basically, you need that face that babies do when they're having a poo. You know that, but they've got a thousand-yard stare. The thousand-yard baby shit stare.

That sounds horrible. I've known a 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As an adult, he has a good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle sparkle he's full of vigor happiness and joy he's neither complained nor born a born a grudge yeah under any circumstance furthermore he can make asterisk asterisks three times in its succession without drawing out in addition he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen it can burn out the sticky dirtiness of his body.

Release the immaterial fibre out or third attention, which has been confined to this stickiness. Then he can shoot out his immaterial fibre or third attention to an object, concentrate on it, and attain happy, lucky feelings through the succession of concentration. If you don't know that concentration can give you a particular pleasure, your life looks like a hell.

Isn't that true? God bless Google Translate. What is he? He's a graduate of Osaka City University in 1963. Lives in Japan. Employed by the Kyoto News Agency until 1976. Author of three books in Japanese, including How to Attain Silent Knowledge.

Silent Knowledge? What is that? And the author of one book of Unveiled Hidden Phoenix. I don't even know what that is. But bless him. He's had a go, hasn't he? As my mum would say, God loves a trier. Well, this is the trouble with the book,

is that there's no context for anything it's just it's just a stream of consciousness which occasionally mentions black sticky ex-woman well with you know what great find i love that what else have you got give me well here we go granny fanny granny fanny grannyanny, which is a book in a series of elderly sex novels by a lady called Sally Hollister, who... I don't know why that amused me. That's a funny name, isn't it? Sally Hollister. It's locked up a little bit, isn't it? And she specializes exclusively in sex books or sex stories about elderly people. I mean, they need love too.

Well, yeah, I'm not knocking it. But you should try it first. You should give it a go first. Don't knock it till you've tried it. There's nothing I love more than watching two mounds of leathery white flesh go at it in a hospital bed filmed by an orderly. A salt and pepper mound of pubic thrusting. So,

watching two hairless cats fuck. That's to the point. But they need love. They all need love. A couple of leathery flip-flops being bashed

in the wind. Oh, maybe, no. Oh, what? How's that too far? It's all slappy,

isn't it? It's like, yeah. I like it. Do you ever wonder what sex is going to be like when you're old? If I have any when I'm that age, I'll take whatever I can get. They do do it, some of them, don't they? I know.

Some of them get quite randy. I'm a Viagra now. But isn't it all kind of a bit, I don't know, sandpapery? Depends what you've done with it. Why is your penis sandpapery? I was more thinking that... Oh, well, there's lubricants. And, you know, even if you can't afford Viagra,

maybe make a splint out of two magnum ice lolly sticks. Elastic band. A couple of Frankfurters. Yeah, that's what you need. She won't know. Why have you got three cocks? He gives her a big sausage and she gives him a cold, wet chicken.

Oh, man. It saves them getting up. They just exchange a dry, overcooked chicken. A chipolata being pushed up a dry, overcooked chicken. Dirty, dirty men. We could write one of these books

quite easily. It's easy. Yeah. It's just like any any porn but you make it more sad just putting a lot of death rattles yeah just like it's like having two two xylophones wrapped in carcass meat right go on well you want me to read a bit out? I do. So this is the start of...

Now, is this book for free? Can you get... What is it? It's free if you've got Amazon Unlimited. Okay, so I presume you have. No. I paid money for this. £1.11.

You know, there's a certain kind of secrecy to buying things online. You don't have to walk in and go to a bookshop and buy a book called... Granny Fanny. Granny Fanny. And then go, I would like this book. You know, you can just get it online. That don't have to walk in and go to a bookshop and buy a book called... Granny Fanny. Granny Fanny. And then go, I would like this book.

You know, you can just get it online. That's a great thing. Then for the rest of eternity, I'm now going to be recommended Granny Porn. Well, let's just say

it's a kink you might want to investigate. Well, yeah. Sooner or later. Right. So here we have the beginning of this. Yeah.

I thought that... How many have we begun? I don't know. I'm tensing Yeah. I thought that... I haven't even begun. I don't know. I'm tensing up. I thought my days of sexual activity were over when I became a grandmother, but nothing could have been further from the truth. I've had a look at a few of her books, and they basically all start the same way. Oh, there's a longing there.

There's a transference of emotion going on. In fact, my new status seemed to make me even more desirable to men. In fact, my husband, Frank... That's all you need to know. Don't need to know his job, how he looks after me. It's Frank. Frank noticed. That young chap next door looks like he'd be more than happy

to rip the knickers off you, Ruby. Oh, so her name's Ruby then. There you go. I like finding out the characters as we go. Who, have you ever? Okay, don't take this too personally, but you would be appalled if your wife, Tim, you said, wouldn't you like to rip the knickers off the girl next door?

You'd be like, that's not going to happen. Yeah. No. No. I know. I'm going to start. Let's see if she's like 60. I will skip on because the rest of this,

the next two pages are just discussing about ripping off of the knickers. Okay. No. I know. I'm going to start. I see if she's like 60. I will skip on because the rest of this, the next two pages are just discussing about ripping off of the knickers. Okay. So they're going into the delicate art of knicker ripping. Yeah. Anyway, so we skip down a bit and Ruby writes, When I brought my washing in, I glanced up at next door's window. And sure enough, there was Paul.

That's the neighbor. Oh, I can put myself in this story now. Right, I'm in. There was Paul staring at me intently. And that got me wet in the undies. Let me tell you. This is a British written porn thing. Wet in the undies.

No, it's such a British way of... It's not sexy, is it? All right, darling, you like it, don't you? You like it up there, don't you? A bit wet in the undies. You like it in the under it, don't you? You like it up there, don't you? You're a bit wet in the undies. You like it in the underpants department, don't you, darling? In the underpants department? Pop the pink, not the brown, love. So we'll skip on a bit.

Because this is all, well, you know, this is all scene setting. So we'll get to the good stuff. It's important for romance. You don't just push a person into bed and say, here you are, skipping all the fucking set up. So, here we go.

Well, yeah, I know. Well, we'll, trust me. Fine. Send me the link.

Don't you worry, I will. So, here we have, here we have now a conversation with Ruby Frank. Veronica's now been

brought into this. Who's Veronica? I think Veronica's Paul's wife. Wife. Oh, Veronica. Some been brought into this. Who's Veronica? I think Veronica's Paul's wife or partner of some sort. And this is Ruby giving Veronica some advice. Oh. Because I think... She's not satisfying Paul in bed.

Yeah, well, Veronica, I think their sex life is. It says here, tapering off. Great. We've all tapered off. Yeah, mine does at the end. Gee! Like the world's saddest windsock. Veronica wants to know whether Ruby still has sex.

All right, okay, fine. A bit personal. I would never ask my neighbour that, but go on. I was surprised at the intimate nature of the question, but put it down to the openness of youth. Well, I don't get it as much as I used to, I admitted with a laugh. The libido decreases with age, but if a couple still love each other,

they'll make an effort to show it. Oh, God. All right, stop judging yourself. He's touching his special part. The doctor's got me on antibiotics, but I'm not allowed to have sex till it clears up. Sexy talk. This is just awful.

Oh dear. That was Veronica speaking there by the way. So this is Ruby. Oh dear. That's not so good. Still, there are other ways

a girl can satisfy her husband. Right. That was Ruby. Okay. And Veronica replies, oh, I've been giving him

hand jobs and blow jobs constantly but I don't think they're doing the trick. Does it come in your hand or your mouth? Then it's doing the trick. Don't worry about it so here we go here comes here comes the good stuff right here we go ruby says yeah wish i could help to which veronica replies perhaps you could

if it doesn't sound too absurd paul's always had a thing for older women so if you could lend me a pair of your knickers for me to rank him off with I'm sure he'd enjoy that I don't know about that I don't know about having a bunch of fucking tenor ladies size appropriate grey knickers

it's gotta be a big pair of old lady knickers isn't it yeah and it'd be musty and it would smell like aloe vera. Liniment. Yeah. It would smell like a collection of, like, boiled sweets and potpourri. Germaline. Oh, God, yeah.

That antiseptic smell. There's no less sexier smell than germaline, surely. Oh, love, I couldn't find any sex lube, so I'm using Vicks tonight. You like mentholipidus, don't you? You dirty bastard. Oh, makes it tingle. And it helps you breathe when you're going down on me as well.

In fact, it's a great idea. So anyway, so it goes on. Romantic. Ruby again. Yeah. My knickers have probably got some pubes in the gusset. Oh, for f... If that adds to the attraction for him.

It doesn't. You shave yourself like all the young girls these days, I assume. Well, hairy pussies are rather retro. There's a retro channel you don't get on YouTube, is there? It goes on for a while there with a conversation about whether to shave

or not. Oh God. Paul complaining about the stubble scratching his cock so she has to shave it off again. No one complains

about that. I've never complained about a stubbly part. Pubis. Pubis. That's a good word, isn't it? Yeah. You know what, I'm not going to

make myself look stupid by asking a question. I can't even say it. Pubis. Pudendum? Pudendum? Pudendum. Pudendum. And that's why men need sex lessons. Yeah, what is the pudendum? You're looking it up. Okay, Google.

Pudendum. Pudendum. No, not addendum.endum No not addendum No not addendum Podendum Not addendum Why can't you understand my P Podendum Like that's it fuck off

the internet does not want me to know what a pedendum is and now I don't want to know no we'll just drop it in a conversation

and one pedendum or two darling in your tea no I need to know go on because I need to know whether you can put a pedendum in a cup of tea

alright well you I'll do some research and you carry on with the saucy story oh okay you look it up I need to know. Go on. Because I need to know whether you can put a pedendum in a cup of tea. All right. Well, I'll do some research and you carry on with the saucy story. Oh, okay. You look it up. I need to know. I've lost where I was now. Oh, so I've moved on a bit here. This is a Ruby Pleasuring Paul now.

Pedendum. Person's external genitals, especially a woman's. Oh, do you know? Yes, I remember now. Because do you remember that picture of a... It's not a flower from my mom then. Do you remember that Yeti picture? It's quite a famous picture of a Yeti.

It's a photograph of it. The one walking through the woods and it's half... No, that's the video. There's one propped up with a stick. It was like this. It's quite famous that they claim they shot it. Shot Yeti? Yeah, shot a Yeti or a bigfoot or something

and i remember because i i know these crypto zoologists between you and my ghost hunting friends we have a right circle don't we just uh and they described it to me because apparently the um the hunter claimed that it was a male yeti because you could see its penis and one of the monster hunters once told me uh it was clearly not a male because you you could see its penis and one of the monster hunters once told me uh it was clearly not a male because you you could see it had a distended pudendum right so it's not that picture is it that's my dad there's a picture here of sasquatch images is it this one yeah that's that one yeah it looks like gonzo without the beak. Yeah, can you see it's pedendum? I can see it's pedendum. Right.

Sorry about the tangent. Now we can go back to fanny flaps or whatever it's called. Granny flaps. Granny flaps. Oh, dear. Christ, I've come to the end of the book. That was short. Jesus.

We did skip all the salient information. Did she end up having sex with him? Okay, so basically they appear to be having a lot of all sex. Right. I sucked him and sucked him out into his pleasure by fondling his big hairy balls. Ruby's giving it to Paul. This is Ruby giving it to Paul. Right.

Oh, no, they do. Here we go. She slipped. He was in me instantly. His big cock spreading my old fanny wife. There was no subtlety in it. No delicacy. Just a young man desperate to spurt his lust into a woman.

Spurt his lust. What a great Phil Collins track. Oh, hang on. No, Veronica was involved as well. Oh, good. When Ruby climbed off him, she saw Veronica's pretty little head still busy bobbing up and down on Frank's cock. But, oh, no, Frank. Wait, hang on.

That was a foursome. Oh, all right. Fair enough. So they've done a swapsie yeah oh Frank's cock but he came soon thereafter too

and she swallowed his aged spunk with relish oh god and the word relish doesn't fucking make it even better well that was very nice

I said what you say after a nice meal yeah it is it's like Christmas dinner well that was nice. So here we go. Here's the ending.

I thought it would be it. I thought it would end once Veronica's pussy was better. Remember, she was on antibiotics. Because that had been the deal. But it was she who insisted that we continue seeing each other. She wanted to give her pussy to Frank. It seemed as if she hadn't had a man that old. It didn't worry me

just as long as young Paul was obsessed with my granny Fanny. Don't want to be in this story anymore. Wanted to keep giving it to me.

That's it. Jesus. I feel soiled. I feel wronged. Not as wronged as Veronica's Fanny. Yeah,

I got bashed out of shape by dirty old Frank's old hammer. Frank's mallet. Oh, God. I do want to know... Oh, no, I don't want to know. Well, she's on Twitter. The author is on Twitter,

if anyone would like to follow her. We've got to. We've got to now. What's her name? Is it Sally? Sally Hennessy. Silky Sally. There she is.

Follow Sally on Twitter. Sally Hollister. Oh, that's right. Oh, loading error. Oh, I'm gone. People. Sally Erotica is her name. Sally Erotica?

That's what she is on there. Right. Erotica. No results for Sally Erotica. Well, maybe she's gone. Yeah, it looks like she's is on there. Right, erotica. No results for Sally Erotica. Well, maybe she's gone. Yeah, it looks like she's not on there anymore. Oh, Sally! Sally, come back!

All is forgiven! Sally, love! I want to read your next book, Senior Squirters. Actually, we can have a look at some of her other entries, so to speak. Well, there's one called Debauchery, O'Connell Chronicles, Sally's Hot Reads 11. Erotica Ecstatica. Yeah.

Oh, The Bumper Book of Bonking. That's such a British fucking title. It's Sorry Dear, But I Got Horny. It's all written

by Alan Bennett. Knobbed by the Neighbour. just another pizza girl that looks like an old man with a young woman imperial leather lust success as in success yeah got it you got that senior source oh god i don't want that senior sex fund Sex fun being hyphenated. Yeah. When the panties come down. Geriatric pork. Oh, you'll like this one. Back door is best. No comment.

Born to watch Vicar's Wife. There you go. You get the idea. I think this might be one of the grottiest segments we've done in a while.

And I applaud you. I applaud you. Oh, I know which side my dread's battered. Oh, God, no! No! And now it's time for one of our shop floor fables

where we ask you to get in touch and tell us a story about your experiences working maybe in a charity shop, but also any old shop. Any old shop. Any, any, any, any. Any old shop. Right.

Here's one from a guy called James Dunn, who I haven't read the email yet, so there's a very good chance he says, please don't use my name, James Dunn, in which case I'll be editing all this out. But if not, James Dunn, James Dunn, James Dunn. He needs to open a shop called Dunn and Dusty yes that sells vacuum cleaners he could open up a public lavatory

called Dunna Poo if you go to Australia you can just call himself Dunny yay there you go you've got lots of ideas there James

he's a successful banker or something career advice but based on this story I don't think he does dear Paul and Paul I'll do my best to keep it concise

He doesn't This is a really long Fucking story by the way James Fucking hell James It's not even in like Big font It's just a long story But anyway

He's doing his best To keep it concise Which shows to me already There's a lot of moving pieces In this story Sounds like it Strap in Consider me strapped

When I worked at Domino's As an in-store assistant This means you do everything From make pizzas Scrubbing the shit out of toilets and washing the windows That's great, all in one One memory has stayed with me from this thankfully short experience It was a quiet night in the middle of summer, everyone was having barbecues and nobody seemed to be ordering in It was a brilliant end to the weekend because it looked as if my manager And a couple of the girls who had worked there longest would send me home early

But this was not to be A couple of the girls who had worked there longest would send me home early. But this was not to be. A couple of pizzas came up on the electronic board. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? Is that like the screen that comes in and just says... It's an electronic board. Yeah. It's a TV screen, isn't it? Yeah, that's another word for telly.

Yeah, it comes up on the telly, James. It's not going to be like one of those ones, you know, when you get big stations where the letters flip around. Hawaiian. Meat feast. the telly james be like one of those ones you know when you get big stations where the letters flip around hawaiian meat feast vegetarian deluxe inverness don't care where you put it hey really batting low today right a couple of pizzas came in on the telly i'm changing the story made in order for delivery so i stopped cleaning and hurried over to make them just when I was finishing up the first pizza

an intoxicated man with the brightest ginger hair you've ever seen stumbled through the doors and slumped over the counter oh dear

this better be Ed Sheeran it's the story of Ed Sheeran you know what no matter what happens let's all imagine Ed Sheeran this person

this is Ed Sheeran's origin story so Ed Sheeran intoxicated stumbles in anderan's origin story So Ed Sheeran intoxicated Stumbles in And slumps over the counter I am now changing the character To Ed Sheeran Sorry James

I put the finishing pizza In one of our rotating ovens And walked to the counter To serve Ed Sheeran I hate to add This was a store In the north east of England And us Geordies

Though a friendly bunch Can be absolute raving cunts that's his words not ours sorry viewers this guy ed sheeran looks like he's been hitting the white lightening a bit much and orders a plain pizza with light cheese this is directed at me with light cheese light cheese oh i thought you said like lychee. No. It was my bad diction. Thanks for pointing that out. We all know about your bad diction. Your love is like bad diction. Sloppy.

Bad. Limp. Mumbles. Flaccid. Okay, so he directed at me this order for light cheese with an almost incomprehensible slur. So Ed Sheeran's walked in. Light cheese!

I want light cheese now! Unfortunately, the store had run out of light cheese, which I told to the man, who looked at me like I'd just rubbed shit into his hands. Ed Sheeran shakes his head at me, calls me a prick, and just stands there shaking his head as if he'd received some really

bad news. I sort of just tell him sorry a couple of more times, not really knowing what to do before asking him if he's alright. You alright, Ed? You alright? I was going to make a reference to one of his songs and then I realised I don't know any of his music. Didn't you do Bloodstream? I think that was

one. I think. How's it go? You don't know! There's bloodstream! You're not in charge of jingles no more. Out of nowhere, the guy looks up at me, Ed Sheeran, and with a burst of energy from somewhere, just hops over the counter and pushes me hard to

the floor, winding me. Because we are low on staff, Ed Sheeran runs through the small building uncontested and through the staff exit, which is open due to the summer temperature and out of the building. Or so we thought. Oh. My manager asks if I'm alright and rushes to close

the staff door, lest the maniac Ed Sheeran came back in. I think that should be how he's always referred. The maniac Ed Sheeran. He died today. In at number one, the, Ed Sheeran. He died today. In at number one, the maniac, Ed Sheeran. Yeah. And he should cover the maniac.

Maniac from Flashdance. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a gag too far. I'm a maniac. La, la, la. Stop singing. Never sing on this podcast again. Only I may sing.

I've got a beautiful voice. Yeah, no, you don't. You have a beautiful voice for talking. No. But singing is like someone forcing tins of three fried beans up my arse. Three fried beans, just the three. Shut up. My manager, Tom, says he couldn't see him when he checked,

so we assume he ran off out the back of the shop for another piss. Why are you hesitating there? Because I read it wrong. Off the back to a corner shop for another bottle of cheap piss. Ah, there we got it. Oh, gotcha. So they reckon he's run out to get some booze okay we did not see him again that evening so i get home earlier than usual but not as early as i'd hoped and went into work on monday two days after that shift we'd received some new stock in that morning and it was my turn to unload the stock into the cold room which is basically just a giant room-sized fridge

right makes sense that's where you keep your pepper army and your light cheese yeah and your to unload the stock into the cold room which is basically just a giant room-sized fridge. Right? Makes sense. That's where you keep your pepperami. And your light cheese. Yeah, and your light cheese. I started loading the boxes into the cold room and this included

boxes of dough ready to stretch, toppings and desserts. What I found in the cold room I still think about today. I've got a horrible feeling. Oh dear.

I know where this is going under a large pile of flattened boxes lay Ed Sheeran the maniac Ed Sheeran who had jumped the counter

two nights before he looked very pale so my immediate thought was that he was dead dead Sheeran I reached to check his pulse and was relieved to find he had a heartbeat. So I called for Tom to call an ambulance.

I presume Tom's the manager. Yeah, who knows? You're just dropping names in there. I bet he was just calling out for Tom out of Tom and Jerry. Tom! Tom! Who are you shouting for?

Oh, dear. Instead of doing that, he rushed in to find out what the commotion was. He then called 999. Ed Sheeran was completely unconscious, so I grabbed him by the arms and dragged him into the kitchen, where we did the dishes.

That's bad advice, people. Never move a body. No. Least of all, dragging him by the arms. Yeah, making him do the dishes. Oh no, that's where he did the dishes, not there doing the dishes. And they found... Oh. They dragged him into the kitchen where we do the dishes. Oh, no, no. That's where he did the dishes, not there doing the dishes. And they found... Oh.

They dragged him into the kitchen where we did the dishes and found that the palms of his hands were saturated with brown stains. Oh, what the fuck? And then the smell hit me and I called for another member of staff, John,

to keep an eye on him whilst I checked out the cold room. Yes. And he pulled him by his hands or... Under his arms. Oh, under his arms. Oh, even so. Yes. And he pulled him by his hands. Under his arms. Oh, under his arms. Oh, even so. Yes.

Of course it was shit. It had to be shit. After all, it was my shift after all. Oh, I wasn't meant to be in World New Day. One of those. Get over it. Deal with it. Thanks to your day,

you have now made content for a podcast. So you've contributed. Well done. That's a little bit mean-spirited no to the audience he just needs a bit of rational reality and I'm saying congratulations on your

awful day give me something to laugh at poor man in the cold room the smell of shit wasn't really present but I searched the place from top to bottom with the knowledge that the

man must have pooed somewhere if you've been holed up in the room over the weekend his hands, presumably. Oh, girl. Ed Sheeran had, of course, feasted on the raw cookie dough and replaced the ones he'd eaten with some of his own. He must have sat there, shit into his hand, rolled the shit into similar-sized balls because they all looked very precise to me.

I was horrified and ran to tell Tom, who didn't believe me until he checked for himself. I don't know where the guy pissed and I don't really want to know. I put in my notice that night and didn't need to do the rest of my two weeks work

that I was contracted to do rebel wow isn't he just stand up for your love rights one thing is for certain I wasn't in a

rush to order from that Domino's after that thank you for making cheap show I've got you from from really rough times keep up the good work you

guys are the best do not mention my name thanks James did he actually say that no he didn name thanks James so there you go the story of dirty Ed Sheeran and his poo cookies babba nose

pizza shit pizza expressed bit cerebral that one I wouldn't go that far to describe it as cerebral Where else you got? Pizza Express. Yeah. A bit cerebral, that one. Yeah, I wouldn't go that far to describe it as cerebral. Papa John's. I'm trying to come up with one for Zizzy. You got it right.

Oh, the shitty. Shizzy. Shizz. Shit. Well, I think you've ruined this segment now with that. Shizzy? Yeah, you've ruined it now now isn't that shizzle means shit

I don't know all I know shizzle to my nizzle no you're digging yourself deeper by now sounding uncool we had a lovely story there about shitty Ed Sheeran

shitty Ed and then we had to go and pun it out that's the segment that's it thank you if you want to send more then you can email us

thecheapshow at gmail.com and if you don't don't we don't care I don't care what you do with your life you want to send more, then you can email us, thecheapshow at gmail.com. And if you don't... Don't. We don't care. I don't care what you do with your life. You want to get in touch, do it. You can waste it by sending stuff into podcasts and shit.

Yeah, why don't you get in touch with... There's no such thing as fish. Fuck off! What is that? I did that on purpose so I can sample that and use it in my noise reduction you didn't do that on purpose I did

I just forgot to do it three segments ago stop trying to justify your clumsiness I am not clumsy I am fat handed subtle difference you rude prick

get off muff fingered right I'm fat-handed. Subtle difference, you rude prick. Get off. Muff-fingered. Right. It's time for one of my favourite segments. It's Ganon's Golden Games. How is that jingle better than any of mine? It's bedded in. It's like when they released the Nintendo Wii name,

I thought, what a stupid fucking name. Then a year later, it was like, yeah, Nintendo Wii. I've just bedded in that jingle. I've been doing my jingles for years now on this show. Yeah, but they've not been up to standard. I'm sorry this comes out now. I'm sorry. You needed to bring this up at the recent EGM.

Yeah, well, I didn't. I'm doing it now, and I'm sorry, but the audience has to know your jingles are piss poor. Oh, fuck you. I've got another one in. I've got something else has to know your jingles are piss poor oh fuck you and I've got another one in I've got someone else in to sing your songs for you in tune

yeah the maniac in tune I kind of want to find who that guy was who shat in the cookies and see if I can put my stars in your eyes

shit in your hands oh ITV if you're listening it's got to be better than Naked Attraction Shit in your hands. Oh, ITV, if you're listening, it's got to be better than Naked Attraction. Although that's Channel 5, isn't it? Who would you get to present that? Paddy McGuinness? He'll do it.

Paddy. Paddy McGuinness. Paddy McGuinness' sister. Paddy and Paddy. Paddy McGuinness will fucking do anything. He will. He literally will. He's in Top Gear now. What's the deal with his hair?

I think it's stitched in yeah there's something going on there isn't there there's something going on it's not right maybe he dies it well he definitely dies it but there's some sort of

skullcap type situation going on there see my question about Paddy McGuinness is what's the fucking point of him I hate him you know he's in Madam Tussauds

in Blackpool what work in there or is he a statue is he a statue he's scrabbling around on the? Or is he a statue? Is he a statue? Scrabbling around on the floor. Yeah. Well, not a statue.

A waxworks. God, they give anyone a waxwork. Well, up there, though, he's a sort of god, isn't he? Where's your waxwork? I want to see digi-waxworks. I want to see a deformed, pasty, slightly translucent... We should get some made up.

Yeah. There you go go for the live show by the same person who did the they should be molded by the same woman who did the bust of lionel richie's head in the hello video you ever wonder though with waxworks it bothers me you know a man of two swords you can just go and touch them can you yeah they're all there because you can pose with them oh okay so there was like i think it was carly minogue's ass basically wore away because so many people have been touching it that's depressing it is a little bit depressing but you would wouldn't you yeah also don't put a black light over it but you're touching imagine

you put a black light over man and two swords and the place is caked in spunk. Oh, yeah. Like Jackson Pollock of semen. No, I don't want to know that. All over the Queen's face. I've touched... I was broke into Madame Tussauds. Did you know that? No. Yeah. The one in Baker Street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long story short, but I'd been to some games event. Yeah. The Planetarium. Yeah. I was quite drunk. No.

And we snuck out.'re professional yeah i'm fresh professional drunk yeah okay good and we snuck out and we uh we went through a door that we weren't meant to go through yeah and we were in man and two swords and it was all lights out it was all lights out and it was genuinely like out of a film where we had to hide from a security guard with a torch. Oh that is amazing. And they were like doing the scanning. We didn't stay in there

long but not enough to hide from the security guard because we realised where we were. It's like a kind of drunken Metal Gear Solid isn't it? We should have

actually posed as waxworks. Yeah. And they just flash like past your face. That would have been a dream come true. Wow.

Next time. Next time. Next time. Next time I break in. Anyway, we're talking about games and today we're doing something a bit different. Usually I buy a game and we play it and it's a bit of fun. The game I bought today

I wanted to really talk about for two reasons. One, there's a lot to talk about and two, we could never play this in 20 minutes. It's super fucking complicated. Is it like Risk, one of those that goes on for months it does say I think between 60 and 90 minute

gameplay this that's too long my attention span wouldn't last that no but anyway skip to the point today I found oh we're talking about

the game by MB Electronics Dark Tower the only thing I remember about this is the advert I know but I don this is the advert. I know, but I don't remember the advert.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to edit it in right now if I can find it. Last night I journeyed backwards in time to the medieval world of Dark Tower. In this amazing game, I had to find three keys, lay siege to the tower, and defeat the enemy within. Each move was a challenge. The computer kept track, giving me secret information, pictures, sounds, surprises. Then, ahead of my opponent, I made my move. The battle was joined,

and I was victorious. Dark Tower, from MB Electronics. And if I didn't find it, that was an awkward pause on the show. That was an awkward pause. Yeah, it was... It wasn't the music of the advert. I just remember the actual main

monolith was it kind of one of those 80s-esque adverts where it was all like like a shot

of the tower on its own and a light behind it yeah it was one of those yeah and it sort of panned up to the tower and her voice goes why don't you

have an adventure with wizards and dragons no no it was more like bog standard voiceover man. You need to go to the dark tower. Have you ever considered going to the dark tower?

Sorry, I've slandered that. You like that? Bit of AMSR. But the reason why I got this, two reasons really. One, I saw it and thought, well, I've got to have it. But two, it's like, apparently this is like a unicorn, this game,

in that it's incredibly rare not only to find, but also in working condition. And not only did I find this, obviously, but it is in immaculate working condition. It's the box itself

has barely got a scratch on it. No, I mean, it's a bit battered in the corners as I did expect over 30 years. Now you've turned it round around it does look like someone sat on it yeah but considering what like for instance my board game boxes for that day era the old smashed and ripped yeah no it's it's intact so what was amazing about this is i went into uh it was i believe it was mind charity shop went in at the time I was in back agony because my back was fucked

last week. I remember you whinging about it online. Shut up. That's what I do. All me whinging. And then people go, why don't you like,

why don't people like talking to you online? I don't know. Because you're a miserable, miserable cunt. Yeah. I had a bad back. I was carrying shopping already

and there was no way I could carry this big, it's a huge fucking box by the way, ladies and gentlemen. no way I could carry this big... It's a huge fucking box, by the way, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, if you go to the pictures on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk.

I believe that was a book by Sally Hollister. Huge fucking box. The dark growler. The brown growler. No. No more Sally stuff. But I bought it

because I knew that if I didn't get it now, I'd come back tomorrow and it'd be gone. So I looked at it thinking it's going to be about 20 quid this. Four fucking pounds.

That's insane. Look at that. Four pound. And I don't think they knew what they had. Even looking at it, well, you're talking 50 quid minimum for that.

In some places, I'm sure. But I was going to get to this at the end, but may as well mention it now. Four pound for this. It's quite rare. at it i well you're talking 50 quid minimum for that in some places i'm sure but i was gonna get to this at the end but may as well mention it now four pound for this it's quite rare very rare in working condition on ebay it's been going for anywhere between 250 and 300 pounds you're gonna sell it here's the thing it might be asking for that money whether anyone's gonna spend 250 pound 300 pound on it is a different question altogether. Just because it's priced like that doesn't mean I'll get that for it. So a collector's going to have

to have it. They're probably going to have to live in the UK because selling this internationally would be very expensive. So I don't know. I don't know about selling it. Go on holiday if you could. I could, but where would I go for £250? Oh, you look on EasyJet, that's what you do. I want to go Disneyland Paris.

Yeah, we all want to go there. No. I went there last year. Good. Yeah. Last time I went there years ago when it first opened, I went when they gave a fuck about the Jules Verne look. Oh, yeah, they're not.

But yeah, it's now the Space Mountain is Star Wars themed. But it's very good. That's horrible to me. Yeah, I know, because you hate Star Wars. No, no, no, it was very good. That's horrible to me. Yeah, I know, because you hate Star Wars. No, no, no, it's not that. It's because the original Journey to the Moon is such a beautiful ride.

Did you ever go on it when it first was built? Ah, years ago. Yeah, when it had the cannon and it shot you out. It still does all that. It's still got all that. The only difference is...

It doesn't have the Mellier stuff, though, and the steampunk. All they've done is stick some projections of TIE fighters and stuff on there. Which is fine, but it lacks that world building that existed in, what is it called?

Discovery Land? It's not called Future Land, is it? No, I think it is Discovery, it's not Discovery Island. Something like that. Yeah, yeah. Discovery Box or something. Another one of Sally's books. What are we talking about?

Anyway, so this. So, I wanted to talk about the game today and have a look at it and just see how it all works. But I thought, you know what, let's go on Wikipedia. Oh, why don't we? I'll do a little bit more background reading on it. So, Dark Tower game. Wikipedia says this.

1981 it came out. So what would have been out at the same time? What games of that era? Because I've got a book over there somewhere called like the history of board games and it tells you about

how games like this started coming about because they were competing with Atari systems and all that kind of stuff well I suppose that's kind of the era of Simon and Merlin

and all those other electronic-y things that sort of straddle board game and toy toy yeah so this would have come out yeah before this was before the NES period before the whole second generation things that sort of straddle board game and toy. Toy. Yeah. So this would have

come out, yeah, before this was before the NES period, before the whole second generation. Yeah, so in terms of yeah, computer games then, you know,

that's 81, that's pre-ZX Spectrum. And also worth remembering at this time, Dungeons & Dragons was fucking huge. Yeah, yeah, I guess

that was the era then when that came out, was that late 70s D&D? Late 70s, I think it was firsts dnd uh late 70s i think it was first created sometime in the late 60s and it developed and grew g gary guy gax or something wasn't his name gary guy gax that could be a bunch of syllables to me but it was i mean it's also a man's name it could be two things prick right so um and also 81 height of the satanic panic

in America really yeah is that on Wikipedia no this is my addendum pedendum to the story

because again okay so I've got two books which are pertinent now I'm going to get them hang on oh he's gone off we talked about this show you and me

on the show book on the show before oh now he's fanning around behind the telly. It's all right. He's got his... It's rough and tumble, this show. It's rough and tumble, isn't it? Now he's putting his ear pods back in...

In the house of Harrow, where we are today, recording again. I said, just give away where we live. Harrow's a big place. I'm not giving him a postcode. There's perverts out there who want to come and stick things through the letterbox. In that case, my postcode is... So, first of all, this all this book it's all a game it's a really good book about oh tristan donovan yeah i don't know do you know no i haven't got a clue uh we talked about this book before but basically it's a history of of board games of different types so chess obviously monopoly but

then there's a whole chapter about this guy which is fascinating oh what's this fucking name it's like glass or something his name is but, he was a guy who found out how to do plastic moulding and turned it into toys. So, you know, chattering teeth and whoopee cushions and all this. This guy invented all that stuff. And then he led to creating things like Mousetrap. So, board games that were toys as well,

that had some kind of toy movement. And so, they were always fighting over the next revolution. So, while he stuck with toys, some kind of toy movement and so they were always fighting over the next you know revolution so why he stuck with toys the companies decided to invest in things like this right you know elaborate putting electronics in bits of plastic basically yeah so that leads me to this satanic panic a book that i bought recently about a pop culture paranoia in the early 80s and it's a bunch of essays about how pop culture expressed like devil worship or dungeon dragons they talk about that so this was part of the whole you know far right christian

fear thing yes so is it are you one of these people who just buys books and then just drops that information into conversation kind of like you've always known it yeah but that's what that's what isn't that what information is you You learn it from somewhere and you impart it somewhere else. Yeah, but it's like your information only goes as far as your current book. You can fuck off out this show. Years I've put up with her. Yeah, years. Years like

a marriage. I'm just trying to show that I read at all. Whoopie doo, you can read a book. I'm just trying to show that I read. That's all. Whoopie doo. You can read a book. I read books about pop culture and more pop culture and you've got books about granny flaps and Uranus. Don't you come to my house

and give it all that. At least I can't drop any of that into a polite conversation. No. So you're old. Oh, fuck off. Do you remember this on the first did you want this when you were a kid no

I actually didn't I wasn't I got into D&D when I was like 14 so 81 I would have been

10 okay so a bit before your time in terms of well yeah but I remember the adverts oh that looks good but I wasn't

oddly wasn't that that fussed by it it looked a bit complicated well that's the thing to me it is complicated let's uh let's just go through it so 81 board game milton bradley made it one to four players object of the game is to amass an army collect the three keys to a tower and defeat the evil within it came out during the height of the role playing craze in 1980s and the advert yeah the voice of awesome wells ohes. Oh, it was Orson Welles.

There you go. Voice over man, Orson Welles. Yeah, famous voice over man and advocate of peas Orson Welles. He was a famous voice man. He was because he became drunk and angry and he would do voice overs for adverts and stuff. War of the Worlds. That was all voice. Yeah, that was his

theatre group though, wasn't it? I don't care what it was. Yeah, but he then... And then his last role, famously, was? Backing singer in Cher's band. Now, you've got to know this. What was Orson Welles' last role? Was it... It was the Cliff Richard musical thing.

The Cliff Richard musical thing? What's that? Wasn't Orson Welles in... What, Summer Holiday with Awesome Worlds Cliff Richard was in a musical called Time

yes he was and I'm pretty sure Awesome Worlds I'm looking this up what did the voice over yeah it did kind of appeared

on a screen at the back of the in a War of the Worlds style way yeah I'm looking this up Awesome Worlds I'll tell you then

the last role he played I might be corrected I might be wrong was the voice of that planet in Transformers what's it called unicron ah i don't like transformers do you know why i don't yeah i don't and i know that's a bold thing to say it's bold to have an opinion like that on transformers but go on they replaced for me star wars in shops you know and I was seeing my voice broke then did you hear that?

Yeah. It actually cracked. Yeah. All the bloody Star Wars figures disappeared and were replaced by these

fucking robots that could turn into cars. Yeah. It is sad. I always felt a bit like that with Ghostbusters because in my head Ghostbusters popularity

was overtaken by Turtles. Yeah. And to be fair Turtles is a better by Turtles. Yeah. And to be fair, Turtles has a better, longer-lasting legacy. So... Yeah. Don't get me wrong, Ghostbusters is my thing, but I can see why Turtles was probably far more successful.

Yeah, I remember going to America the year before they kind of became big over here when they were here at Turtles and they were just everywhere. And I was like, this is... You wait, kids. Yeah. You wait, daddy-o. Sorry, I'm distracted because I'm looking up Cliff Richard

and whether Orson Welles was in his thing. Yeah. You were looking up whether Orson Welles was in Cliff Richard's thing. Cliff Richard. I don't know, he was like, maybe not. Oh, no, I got it wrong. It was the other one, Laurence Olivier. Oh, who's the voice of the narrator in War of the Worlds? Richard Burton. Richard Burton, no. I got it wrong. It was the other one, Laurence Olivier. Oh. Who's the voice of the narrator in War of the Worlds?

Richard Burton. Richard Burton, yeah. Oh. Gone for a burn. Who is it now at the moment? Is it Liam Neeson? Liam Neeson, yeah. Maybe not for long.

Anyway, so the components. The game consisted of a battery-powered centre, the unit, the Dark Tower. A circular board game divided into four interlocking quarters, four cardboard tokens, plastic bits, blah, blah, blah, blah, The Dark Tower. cells which when backlit by one of the three mounted underneath lights display the appropriate picture on display. The display cover also concealed a digital LED display for representing numbers up to

99 and the tower rotates illuminating the appropriate cells during gameplay. It also emits sounds for the events represented by each cell. See that? It's giving me anxiety. It's so complicated. Let's so complicated. Let's whip it out.

I'm going to put it on not here because that's noisy. I'll get told off if I do that. You've sat me away from anything. I have to tell myself off. It's hard because you want to rest your hands. We're a pair of fidgeters, aren't we? Yeah. So, board.

Oh, here's the board. Oh, now that I like. I like that a lot. It's nice, isn't it? There will be pictures, as I say, on the website. You can check it out there.'s the board. Oh, now that I like. I like that a lot. It's nice, isn't it? There will be pictures, as I say, on the website. You can check it out there. Circular board. And I believe, yeah, each, you get a quarter each, and that's your land.

Right, okay. But the idea is you've got to move to each other's lands to get your keys. Take it over. Yeah. These are the little scorecard things that you get. You can have a look at those reminds me of

Mastermind you remember the Mastermind game yeah it's a weird little apparently in the first generation it was just these

plastic cards but then they put it on the tray the tray's nicer isn't it the tray's nicer and also it has a little divot there

so you can put your keys and things I like that it's nice it's almost like having a kind of I guess you'd call it a HUD these days

On a game screen A HUD H-U-D Heads up display Yes Did I just say a thing? HUD Yeah HUD

I'd say HUD But you know Roy Hood Roy HUD You get a Roy Hood on your screen Doing Two Black Eyes song Boys in the HUD No

That is a mash up I want to see No that's a U-tree Newspaper column Again when I bought this It came in a Did it come with those batteries? No I bought those batteries

Because there was two in them And one of them Had slightly corroded And I was like Ah it's fucked Long story short Gave it a scrape Cleaned it out

Bought new batteries And yes Works fine So I'm not going to get All of these out But There's a little Long story short, gave it a scrape, cleaned it out, bought new batteries, and yes, it works fine. So I'm not going to get all of these out, but there's a little, like, that's a bizarre little street area that you put on your map. And the idea is you plug these little bits into your quarter of the... So you get to build a sort of civilization. Yeah, you build a little civilization on your quarter, and it's the same on every quarter. So everyone has the same building.

So there's like a store a bazaar there's a place where you can you know train your army all these kind of things but there's the each of the areas looks

different on the board what are you talking about what I'm saying is these little plastic bits yeah in each quarter because you get four the same

color oh I see right okay I'll put in the same orientation on your quarter of the board. Right. So you have to set that up beforehand. Yeah, pretty much.

So you don't kind of buy them like in Monopoly where you... No, the buildings are already there and you go to them. Because as you can see, you see these squares here?

Yeah. They're your movements. So they're not squares. They're more like geographical areas you move to. Right. And then that means

you go to your little battalion. What's that one there? I don't know. I mean, I think that is like where you train your troops. And then that means you go to your little battalion. I don't know. I think that is where you train your troops. Yeah, that looks like a kind of 40 type thing. Yeah. And you get these little figures, which are all nicely made. These little kind of play figures. They are. They're like

Games Workshop type figure. Yeah, it's got that... I guarantee a proper nerd might do that. Yeah, this is a very, very nerdy game, isn't it? Oh, is that a dragon? It's a big dragon. Well, look at him with his wings. He's sticking his tongue out.

Yeah. Ready to lap at something. Hopefully not a book written by Sally. Ready to lap at a grey growler. Anyway, there's the board. Blah, blah, blah. You get your things, get your pieces. You set it all up

As you would Yep And then the tower Here it comes The titular tower Now it's in one of those Foamy things Sliding it out

He's sliding it out Ladies and gentlemen It's slowly coming out Of my hand Oh it's a bit thick Oh He scraped it Against the sides

Right And here Is the tower Oh that it's a bit thick. He scraped it against the sides. Right. And here is the tower. Oh, that's very Sauron's tower. Let's have a little look at that. Isn't it pretty? I mean, it's very good. It is nice. So what have you got on there?

Bazaar, haggle, tomb, ruined dark tower. Yeah, it's an incredible nick. Look at that. Can I turn it on? No, there's no batteries. I'm just going to stick those in now. So, lovely thing. Very good condition.

And apparently you can pull this out and you can change the light bulbs, but the light bulbs are really hard to get hold of now. They're like the old torch. They're like those old torch batteries you used to get in the 80s. It's pre-LED then, presumably. Right. Right. Kodak batteries.

Where do you get Kodak batteries from Poundland oh I didn't know Kodak made batteries two for a quid they probably last five seconds alright well

Dark Tower has a little nibble it on the bottom that's so you can spin it well that's because it needs to sit on there like that

so it sits on a little groove so it rotates the tower rotates throughout the game it's like a lazy Susan for nerds yes it's a nerd Lazy Susan.

It's not troubling at all. So let's switch it on, shall we? See how it works. I'll tell you what, hang on. We got to the point in the podcast where we're about to turn the tower on. Right? That's where we're starting.

So let's try it. It'll do, at first, a test. So what should happen is it should make a sound, that should light up, and then it will show. Right. But it should also rotate.

By itself? Yeah. What? Consider my mind blown. Here we go. It's on. I did not expect that. It's doing a flashy thing there.

See if I can just get that shown. The light is flashing red. Which means it's good. It's working. It's testing. Now it says you should just leave it for a bit and then press any button and it will do a test. Leave it for a bit. That's what it says. As it's good, it's working, it's testing. Now, it says you should just leave it for a bit and then press any button and it will do a test.

Leave it for a bit. That's what it says. As it's warming up, the book says this. It's got to warm up. This is the ground. This is old technology, isn't it? There we go. I'm just going to press any button.

Oh, farting. The fart tower. Oh, it's counting. It's counting lights. They could have put little figures in those windows. They could have. Well, they did. That's the point.

Are there figures in those windows? There is. Cell. There are film cells with little paintings on them. I can't see it from this angle that you've made me sit at. Oh, for fuck's sake. There's not much to see, though. That's the problem.

It's like, until you get the game going, it's hard to do anything, because there is a film cell in there that rotates as the tower i see so it's just like the outside of the tower that rotates around a thing why i want to see it rotate because that's how you pick a level how you want to start playing and it sets the difficulty of your engagements with the tower the tower is like a dungeon master i guess guess, in the game. So you go, I'm going to go to there and I'm going to battle those things. And the tower goes, here's how that

turns out. Right, it does all the calculations for you. Yeah. So then there's buttons on there that allows you to retreat, fight, buy, sell. Cool. Hang on, let me just have a quick look at this. Hang on, here we go. Get up close. Getting up real close.

And there are buttons there on the bottom. But why is it not rotating? I only want to see rotation. Well, that was my concern. When I tested it, it made the rotating sound, but didn't rotate. Oh, no.

I don't care about it beyond that. I just want to see it spinning around. I don't know if that's because I didn't put it on properly. Are you absolutely sure it's meant to rotate by itself? No, but there's a motor inside that has it rotating, so why wouldn't it? Well...

Why wouldn't it, smarty pants? Why have a motor that makes a rotating sound? Maybe it's not a rotor. Maybe it's a sound to indicate that it is time to rotate the shower. The shower? The tower! I thought you said shower.

The dark shower. We've all had one of those. Oh, that moment where we find that patch of hair we've never seen before. And start sobbing. Because some people can see it. It's hard doing the video, I've realised, and talking in the podcast. Don't then. One or the other. So, I don't know. Well, that's...

I'm really disappointed. I really wanted to see that revolve. I don't know, honestly, if it's meant to revolve or not. I might be wrong. It might be that... That seems very high-tech for 1980... I actually saw it said 1982 on the box, not 81 as you previously stated

ah the inside's rotating is it yeah it's the inside that rotated did you see it rotate yeah so if you look it's not the outside

that you watch so I guess yeah you move it to your segment and then you start your part of the game ah ok so there you go

you watch player one and then I don't know part of the game. Ah, okay. So there you go. You watch. Player one. And then, I don't know. So, okay. So it's done that. And now... You have a look. I'm going to go...

Oh, I'm going to go to meet Battle... Battle Modroth, the Dark Wizard. Tomb. Let's go to the tomb. Oh, it's farted. Is that going to be a door opening yeah there you go see look look look see look there you go see i missed it there you go oh okay so that's i like that a lot that's almost as good as the entire thing rotating so i think

what's flashing now is the decisions that have happened right after going to the tomb it's now saying there you go look it's rotating again well you don't get to read it for very long do you no but i think the problem is there is that it's that's why it flashed a few different times right and that's where you bring in sorry about the noise and that fucking thing that's when you bring in this right mastermind yeah and like that will say you just lost five warriors so you had 10 and you go oh i'm back down to five now or you go oh i had gold but i spent at the bazaar so i now only have one gold so well there's lots

about it that i like there's also a lot about it that i don't like which is how complicated the whole numbers game of tracking gold and keys. I mean, I don't know how I ever played Dungeons & Dragons, mainly because the Dungeon Master would just do it all. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he would behind his little screen. Well, here's what's good as well. The instruction booklet that came with it.

Let's have a look at that. Dark Tower. You can have a read. Go have a look. Oh, thank you very much. I'm flipping through the game in brief god there's a thick old book

it's a thick it's a daunting thick old book oh god you see I'd be so disappointed if I got this for Christmas and then was expected

to have to bloody read this I would never have played it you know what would have happened I'd have used that tower and had my

Star Wars toys yeah or have He-Man have a battle on it or something I didn't have He-Man I didn't have He-Man. I didn't have He-Man. It was after my time. My brother had a few He-Men,

but we talk about them less than we should. Anyway, so it's a nice thick book, but it is daunting because it's like, there's how you travel around the board. That's your Gryffindor and Hufflepuff and all the other things. Oh yeah, you've got four houses. Game moves, they can be that or they can...

There's a fucking lot to take in. It's too much. There's a lot to take in on this fucking thing. Particularly when you see on the box it says ages 10 and up. There is no 10-year-old that would be able to do this unless they were a 10-year-old Spock. Yeah, and a horrible, precocious child. Father, my dark tower is not working.

Why is it not rotating, Father? Come here, I'll fucking rotate it. Right, but this book is, I've said it before, it's daunting. It's like so many pages. I'm not even, yeah, the words are just swimming in my vision. Because I imagine Dungeons & Dragons is a little bit like this as well, because you have to keep score of your magic points and your battles and your hits and the dice rolls. But I used to play it with my mates.

We just told stories. That's how we did it. Okay. You know, there was a bit... More like the community episode. Yeah, yeah. That was, you know, we didn't worry so much about whether, you know, you rolled a double six

or whatever you had to do. We just, you know, went on adventures. That's fair enough. I like that. That's more freedom of imagination, went on adventures. That's fair enough. I like that. That's more freedom of imagination, isn't it? Exactly. That's how we did it. You didn't worship Satan like that book said.

Did you, sir? Did you? We used to get bored doing the role-playing and when our friend's mum went out, we used to turn all the lights off and play hide-and-seek. Oh, yeah. And I once glued a loofer to his bath

during a game of hide and seek and he went ballistic. Yeah, no shit. What was the concept behind that? What, doing that? So he couldn't ever clean his shit from the bottom of a toilet. Well, I don't know.

I found, I was hiding in the bathroom and I found some of this, it was like sort of thick brown industrial glue and I glued it to the bottom, I stuck it, or squirted it.

Was it like Ed Sheeran's yeah it was I came out of the bathroom and he said what's all that over your hands what's that brown sticky stuff

anyway I stuck the loofer to the bottom of the bath and he wasn't happy because I couldn't get it off rarity working copies of Dark Tower are increasingly difficult to find

and thus highly sought after by collectors this is primarily down to two things one wear and tear on the tower unit, which tends to experience technical faults

with the light bulb and the carousel after prolonged use. Amazing. You've got that for four quid. Yeah, and what suggests this to me is whoever bought this played it once and never played it again. Yeah, it was a 10-year-old boy who got that for Christmas and went, oh, what?

And then two years later, got a Super Nintendo or whatever it was. Not then. No, I don't know time. And two, the starring what was his name? Cliff Richard and the other one. Yeah. Wasn't it Chess? Was Cliff Richard in Chess? No, that was Barbara Dixon.

Barbara Dixon was in Cliff Richard. Barbara Dixon. There's the irony there, isn't there? And two, the fact that the game went out of print shortly after release due to a lawsuit brought against Milton Bradley for intellectual property theft. Wow. Naughty Milton Bradley. Here's the story of that. So Dark Tower was the subject of trade secret litigation in 1985.

Two independent game developers called Robert Burton and Alan Coleman submitted a game, not this, to Milton Bradley titled Triumph, which involved an electronic tower as the centerpiece. Milton Bradley said no. They rejected the game, but proceeded to release Dark Tower sometime later. So the investors sued for misappropriation of trade secrets and won a jury verdict of over $700,000. Jesus Christ. trade secrets and won a jury verdict of over seven hundred thousand dollars jesus christ now the judge the trial judge however vacated the jury's judgment i don't know what that means but i presume it means he threw it out they went for the plaintiff nah you bunch of idiots despite

finding that milton bradley had likely plagiarized the plaintiff's idea without so much as a buy your leave quotation marks. The judge proceeded to issue a directed verdict for the defendant because Burton and Coleman had signed a contract waiving any

contractual relationship which arguably included any duty of confidentiality. So what they're saying is that when they signed this thing they necessarily

didn't protect their idea of doing so. And allowed M.B. to rip it off. The First Circuit Court of Appeals, which doesn't sound like a real thing,

it sounds like a magic place in Nintendo land, reversed that decision, finding evidence that Milton Bradley entered an implied agreement to keep the game confidential and reinstated

the damage award to the two guys. So, okay, so did they get the money or not? They got the money. Right. 700,000, that was a lot in those days.

Yeah. You'd be talking more like two million dollars now, wouldn't you, I if not more i don't know money well 982 and diction no barber diction legacy several web-based versions of the game have been developed over the years and i downloaded this just today oh you did there's a thing called droid tower for you get for android right and it's this it is literally dark does it look is it got all the same sounds though yeah i think wow it's got the same map Android and it's this. It is literally Dark Tower. Has it got all the same sounds though? Yeah. Wow. It's got the same map on there. It's not the same though,

is it? Because the whole point of this is the tactile element of it, surely. Yeah, the toys, the figures, the actual tower, the rotation. The mechanical rotation

and yeah. But apparently to end on, the creators or two people are working on a sequel called Return to Dark Tower by Restoration Games. They announced it last year and some guys I don't know are involved in designing the game. are working on a sequel called Return to Dark Tower by Restoration Games. They announced it last year.

And some guys I don't know are involved in designing the game, Robert Davio and Isaac Chaldres. I bet you what they do is, in lieu of that magical window, you put your smartphone in it. Oh, yeah, they will. Because that will keep things cheap, won't it? It will keep costs cheap. You can print out a plastic tower, slide your phone in. Job done. I hate that. Because they're doing it with scalextric and everything nowadays you do

you can follow your master view master it's always smartphones smartphones taking over toys they have and i don't i don't like it i don't like it i don't like it i tell you what's interesting though as well is that because of board game resurgence now yeah the tabletops and stuff like that this could easily come back oh yeah these be successful I don't know what to do with it I've had a friend called Paul Flannery who does

Nightmare Live he's the guy who plays the main guy in that said he wants to play it with a bunch of his D&D friends so I reckon I might take it down to them play it film it and

then maybe sell it then I think so that you go on holiday for 350 quid. If someone pays for your holiday. Yeah, I'll go to Amsterdam. I bet you would. I would, because that's the best place in the world. Yeah, because of the marijuana,

but also because of the museums and the art. The prostitutes. No, I don't do that anymore. Anymore. No. I got mugged in Amsterdam. Really? Yeah.

Oh, no, that's sad. sad well it's not sad because i had a really strange reaction to it where i stood up to them oh yeah um and then i genuinely did they had a knife to my stomach and i told them they weren't getting any money and my mate um handed over all the money that he bought with him for a weekend uh and after we got mugged we ran down the street and then my legs just gave out because I realised what the fuck was I doing then

they had knives yeah were you just stalling so your mate paid first was that what it is no I just it was

they did one of these things where they bump into you and claim that you spilt their drugs oh yeah they're holding out a little bit of paper you spilt my drugs give Yeah, they're holding out a little bit of paper.

You spilt my drugs. Give me money. Give me money. Said it to my mate. But for some reason, you know, I was quite a bit taller than my mate, but they put the smallest guy onto me who had his knife out and he just didn't know what to do because obviously they'd tried this before and people just give them money. He was like, just give me some money.

He must have been beforehand going, I always do nothing when we do the muggins can i have a knife to hold oh yeah you could you could stick the knife in the big guy but yeah it was weird it sounds like i'm sort of boasting that i was really brave but i wasn't no absolutely shit myself afterwards i don't know if i've spoken about this on the show before but there was a story where when i was living in shepherd's bush we had one of those you know basement flats yeah we had one of those and it was a lovely sunny day like today and the window was open but the blind was down and i was just you know i was think i was like writing or doing something at the time either way i'm sitting there and there's a knock at the door right and i go i'll ignore it i'll just ignore it big knock at

the door and then i see the shadow of the guy because the window is kind of like the window you've got here in fact it's very similar but the front door was by that window that window would have been open knocks on the door the door. I go quiet. I don't want him to know anyone's in, even if the fucking window's open. Then he knocks one more time. And then he stands there for five minutes. And I was going to... I wanted to say something, but I was like, what is he fucking doing?

Is he writing a note? Is he going to do something? Walks over to there. And then he puts his foot through the window. No way. So I grabbed the nearest thing I could find and I ran to the window and jabbed it

into his like his side as he was coming in through the window and I in my best scouse accent I went you fucking come in here mate

and I'll fucking cut you leg shot out he runs off up the street and I look down at my hand and I'm holding a spoon a sharpened spoon but just like you, afterwards I was like,

what the fuck did I do? Because it was not good. I got so drunk that night. We did leave the hotel for 48 hours until this kindly Scottish couple took pity on us. Oh, that's nice though.

Would you like to come out with us? Was it a Scottish accent? No, would you like to come out now? Come on out with us. We'll fight off demogas. Anyway, I guess that's Dark Tower in a nutshell. It's an amazing find. Maybe the best find we've ever had on Cheap Show.

Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, definitely. I think definitely. Why better than that other one? The other one we did. Last week. Yeah, that was I think definitely. Way better than that other one. The other one we did. The last week. Yeah, that was a great find, that one you found.

Yeah, I found that one. £14 black-rid knoblet. Brown growler. So yeah, and if you'd like to see the rather boring video that accompanies this segment of the show, you can just become a patron. $5 or more gives you access to some of the random

things we film with bad camera angles me touching the mic and be banging the table professional it's the end of that segment is it I guess I don't know yeah I guess

do you want to say something rude that I can laugh at or should I just oh do you want me to say something rude we need I think we need something to dark towering dark I think we did that with the dark me to say something rude? We need something to... The dark towering...

Dark... I think we did that with the dark growler and stuff. Yeah, we're not going to talk about growler. Amen. And that's Cheap Show for another week.

Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you want to support the show via Patreon, you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. As little as a dollar gives you access

to some wonderful stuff, extra podcasts. Why do you do it with dollars? It's because Patreon forces you to say dollar because there's no euro. 70p. But I'm trying to encourage more international viewership. You want the Americans. Yeah.

You hate our British viewers. I want the dollar. I want your dollar. The big wedge. So if you want to give us some of the big dollar, you can go to Patreon. And we give magazines out and extra podcasts and video clips and all these kind of things that me and Biffo do

in and out every week on Cheap Show. It's very exciting. I love being on this show every week. All right, don't fuck me right with the bitch. Well, you don't

think they've rumbled it? Shut up. Shut up. Every week, it's us. It's just us. You can follow us

on Twitter, at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. You are? Oh, fuck.

Sorry, I drifted out there. Every week, what's your Twitter account? Twitter, I'm at Mr would you ask me what's your twitter account twitter I'm at Mr Biffo there's also videos

every week on the Digitizer 2000 YouTube channel I believe yeah with Paul and I and some other familiar faces who you might know

yeah or not it don't matter because they're not personally they're not the best ones anyway you might know

we're the best ones everyone likes us best everyone likes us best. Everyone likes us best. We get all the fan mail and we get all the nudes. Yeah, the big sacks. So, yeah, Cheap Show. If you want to email us anything, shopfloorfable, anything you like, anything, any stories you have, get in touch with us.

Thecheapshow at gmail.com. We're on Facebook. We're on Reddit. We're on Tumblr. We're on Instagram. You can now get us on Spotify, SoundCloud, all those things. Rate and review us on iTunes. That would be lovely because apparently that matters. It helps with charting rather than popularity.

iTunes is a fucking shit show. This goes on a bit, doesn't it, this ending? I hate these endings because I want to get the information out, but it goes on forever and there's no way to make it funny. You could put some funny music under it. Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom. But you've banned me from singing. Well, could put some funny music under it. I could have done that for you. But you've banned me from singing. Well, you do some funny music now, then.

All right. Oh, we're on Cheap Show. CheapShow at gmail.com. I'm at Paul Gannon Show. He's at MrBiffo. We're on Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram. You can find us on Spotify, iTunes, and any good... That's too loud now

It's too loud now You made it hard house Drum bass No there's no drum bass Drum bass There's no hitty hard house There's no hippity hop And the awards are coming soon

We're in the process of making those Thank you for all your votes Of our best moments Biffo's favourite moments on the show My favourite What you think the best episode is Maybe it was episode 42 Where me and Biffo Talked about best episode is. Maybe it was episode 42 where me and Biffo talked about the meaning of life.

Maybe it was episode 100 where me and Biffo did a live show on the moon. With no trousers on. No trousers on. And no one could see it. Because that was the moon special. Do you get it? Do you see? We had our gaping arsehole on view.

The brown side of the moon. But also, while you're listening, come here. We're doing Digi Live tell us about it well it's going to be a two hour live spectacular with me and Paul yeah

doing stupid stuff if you don't like video games that's fine that's fine we don't like it we don't like it they're boring so we're just going to

arse around on stage for two hours but it's in a big venue it's not you know one of your like your cheap show live where it's on a little podium. It's not, you know, one of your cheap show live where it's on a little podium. No.

We've got a genuine stage. Yeah, well, we have to keep everything cheap for us. Don't we? That's the point. We go big on Digi. Yeah, we go big Digi. Big Digi.

We're going to have big on-stage stunts and funny skits and funny songs. Nudity. Full-on nudity. Full-on nudity. If you want to see Larry Bundy's cock, then send me an email

and I'll sort your suit pictures out. You don't know it, but I've got them. It's gone too far. We're talking about, he's not even here. We're talking about Larry's cock. Larry, we love your cock. We're big fans of it. That's it.

How can you get tickets? Oh, tickets. Go to digitizer2000.com. It's taking place in London. Click on the bit that says store. There's only one thing to buy on there and that's tickets. That's it. How can you get tickets? Oh, tickets. Go to digitizer2000.com. It's taking place in London. Click on the bit that says store. There's only one thing to buy on there, and that's tickets. That's great. That's nice and simple, then.

It'll be awesome. Yeah. It's all right. It's going to be a fun show. 20th of July. 20th of July. Harrow. Harrow Arts Centre.

Reasonably easy to get to. Don't look on their website, because I told them not to put it on there. Right. Why? Well, because I wanted to control it all. You want to control the restriction of access of people's awareness of the show who might come who aren't aware. It doesn't matter. What do you mean it does matter?

You want a full house. I thought they might charge me if I put it on their website. No, they won't. Why would they? It behooves them to sell out. Your shit behooves you. Everything that isn't coming up with wacky blamon shaped comedy that's what I do that's my area of expertise

useless anyway come and see some wacky blamon shaped comedy on the 20th of July at the Harrow Arts Centre go and buy tickets and you'll get to

oh and the other thing is of course you'll get to hang out with us in the bar afterwards because we'll mingle that's open till late

I'm not mingling yeah I know because you're a miserable cunt yeah and I hate. I'm not mingling. Yeah I know because you're a miserable cunt. Yeah and I hate people. I'm surprised I'm doing this fucking show with you. Right that's been

Cheap Joe for another week. Join us next week for more Biffo and Ganon larks. We hope you enjoy it and if you don't enjoy it steal your ass. Bye bye.

Bye bye. Goodbye. Well, that wasn't very good.