CheapShow - Ep 124: The CheapShow Awards 2019

Episode Date: April 26, 2019

It's the Podcast Event of the Year! It's the first (possibly) CheapShow Choice Awards 2019, as voted for by the CheapShow audience. So this is all your fault! Join Paul and Eli at the "Spoff & Pickle Pub" for an awards show with a difference. It's crap. The guests are angry and trapped in the toilets, the booked entertainment is horrific, the hosts are incompetent and the categories are contentious. If you thought this show was going to be "star-studded" and "glittering" you are quite, quite wrong! Strap in for a night JUST like the Oscars.... Long, boring, self indulgent and soul crushing. With special guest appearance from Stuart Ashen, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo), Ash Frith and a cast of familiar, repulsive characters! Welcome to The CheapShow Awards 2019! We apologize in advance. MASSIVE UNDYING THANKS to Rhianan MacDonald (skyegirl1998) for putting this all together and spending WAY too many hours listening, reviewing and collating the award result. WARM THROBBING THANKS to Tony (@Vorratonn) for the amazing podcast logos and awesome episode art And finally HUGE thanks to @Ashens @AshFrith @MrBiffo for their appearances! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos, videos and SPECIAL artwork for this episode can be seen at: https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-124-the-cheapshow-awards If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Are we at this fucking venue yet? No, it's up here. Where? Just up here. Mate, I don't like this part of London. I don't like it. What's wrong with you? Are you a racist? No, it's just scary. That's the same.

No, I'm not. Paul, it's just up here. It's fine. It's lovely. It's intimate. It's intimate. It looks ropey. It looks like all the shops... Up round here. it's just up here. It's fine. It's lovely. It's intimate. It's intimate. It looks ropey. It looks like all the shops. Come round here. Where?

Up round here. Go round there? Up and round down here, round here. So you go round there and then up round there? It's up here. Round there? Round here. Is it up down there?

Is it up down round there? You've ruined this. You've ruined this. Fuck off. You've ruined the opening, Paul. You've over-egged it. Anyway, right, where is it? It's up here.

Round here. All right, okay. It's, yeah. Can you see there? Look. Oh, mate. Here we are. Is that what you've booked?

Yeah. It's a shithole. It looks bad from the outside, I admit that. And I bet it looks fucking awful on the inside, to be fair, as well. Ladies and gentlemen, hello, welcome, and joining us on this very special day. We're just heading to the venue now, and apparently Eli has spent our £450 budget on this venue, and can you tell me where you've taken me? This is the Spoff and Pickle pub in N12.

Right, the Spoff and Pickle Pub. And it looks like... It looks horrible. It's scary and decrepit and I don't like it. It looks violent. It doesn't smell. We're not inside, Paul. Well, then it's you I'm smelling. What can you smell? Piss and weed.

So it is you I'm smelling. That is such a slur. I do not smell of piss. I don't need tenor men pants yet. And I don't mention the products of tenor very much on this podcast. That's good. Well, right. So, is everyone else... I'm excited.

I'm excited. I don't know about you, Paul. You seem to be very down on the awards. I just thought you'd get somewhere a bit more glam for a very special occasion not just horrible porn. It's cheap show, mate. It's cheap show. This is our day. This is the day for the spoff and pickle to shine. This is where the magic happens. The spoff and pickle.

So inside, like I requested, is there a stage and a plinth? There's a plinth. There's a stage. Lighting? There's lights. In the pub. The pub has lights.

And is there a sectioned-off room where we're doing it? Eh, mate, I can't. It's like when you do a stand-up gig in a pub and they just corner off and people are pissed off because they're trying to have a drink. It's because they corner off. They do what? They corner off.

Paul, stop inventing verbs, man. They corner off a section of the pub. They corner it off, do they? Corner it off, yeah, they do. They corner it off, do they? Corner it off, yeah. They do. They corner it off. Do they? Yes.

I've never heard that word. Well, you learn something. Yeah, well, anyway. You better go in. Get your shit together, man. Right, I've got it all here. This is important for us. This is the awards.

What are your predictions? I don't want to get beaten up inside. No, for the awards, what will happen? What's going to win best episode? I have a suspicion. What do you think? I think it's going to get beaten up inside. No, for what the awards, what will happen? What's going to win best episode? I have a suspicion.

What do you think? I think it's going to be the episode where I am fantastic and sexy all the way through. Which one was that? All of them. Paul, you're being a dick. I just want to say that. Dick Maximus. Thank you.

Thank you very much for calling me Dick Maximus. The problem is, the woman I spoke to on the phone, Vera, she's a gem. She's great. She said we can have sandwiches and stuff, you know. So if you get peckish, just let me know. I'll talk to Vera. All right. You talk to Vera, who I'm beginning to think you have a thing for now.

I haven't seen her. I've only talked to her on the phone. Yeah, but I bet you've fallen in love with her voice. Does she speak like this? Hello, Eli. No, Paul, she doesn't. She speaks like this. Hello, Eli.

Zhoosh, zhoosh, zhoosh. You like the room? You want to come in my room? In my pub? This spoff and piggy? In your puff? My pub? Pub?

Spoff in your pub? Spoff and piggy? Right, OK. You know what? Don't Spoffing your pub. Spoffing Piki? Right, okay. You know what? Don't regret bringing this up now. We're going in. Let's go in. Let's just go in the pub.

All right, here we go. Going in the pub. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Smuffin' Pickle Pub. It's time for the first annual Cheapskate Audience Choice Awards 2019. Is that how you say it? Is that it? It's the Cheinky, who, the Winky, the Winky, if you're feeling pretty low, he will come and he will go, with his music, he will make your heart glow. That's the Winky.

It's the Winky. The Winky. Let's go green and move your feet. Don't be red and feel the beat. Celebrate this creature, electronic future. Winky, Winky, Winky, Winky. He's come from somewhere up above. He's energetic, full of love.

A trendy little circuit who knows how to work it. Winky, Winky, winky, winky. Paris, Tokyo, London, New York. Contact, contact. You'll never feel alone with the winky. The winky? Oh, that winky. With winky, it's simple.

Stay away from red, go green. And it all becomes clear. It's the winky. The winky? Oh, that Winky! With Winky it's simple, stay away from red, go green, and it all becomes clear, it's the Winky! The Winky? Oh yeah! Let's go green and move your feet, don't be red and feel the beat, celebrate the future, electronic future, Winky! Winky! Winky!

He comes from somewhere up above, and he's energetic, full of love. A trendy little circuit who knows how to work it. It's Winky, Winky, Winky, Winky, Winky. Fucking Winky. It's that Winky, Winky. Oh, let's do a breakdown. Sexy. Oh, he's such a tease. Funny.

Makes me go weak at the knees. Oh, that naughty Winky. Naughty Winky. He makes you laugh, makes you smile sob I hope he hangs out for a while You mean the Winky? I do mean the Winky I meant the Winky Oh yeah, the Winky

And let's go green and move your feet And don't be mad and feel the beat Celebrate this creature, electronic future Winky, Winky, Winky, Winky He's come from somewhere up above He's energetic, full of love A trendy little circuit, he knows how to work it Winky, winky, winky, winky

Yeah! And that's the winky song, ladies and gentlemen We're bringing it straight to you on our first live I've got a niffy winky Cheap Show Awards extravaganza I've got a winky for you. Here at the Spoff and Pickle. Oh, yeah.

Woo. Let's start the show. Let's do this. High five. Hey. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Cheap Show Awards. What? Sponsored by Uncle Grumbly's jam

oh god well he put a lot of money in how did he how much jam did he put in he put all the jam he could make in a week

into one big jar and he gave me a ladle so it's sponsored by the Cheapos is that what we've called this award

I just wanted to know are we doing this every year no we have to come out here So it's sponsored by the cheapos. Is that what we've called this award? I just wanted to know, are we doing this every year? No. We have to come out here every year. Come out here. Don't come around here. Go around here. Look, can I just say before we get started that this venue is a fucking horrible shit show

and it's just me and you. Where's all the guests that you booked? Where's all the audience that you booked? I didn't... Why is it just three seats? One on stage, one in front of the stage, and then one at the back? Well, I... I just thought... They're all having a fucking drink

over there. Fucking lads, rugby blokes, they're having a fucking drink. They don't look like rugby blokes. I feel really exposed up here. They don't look like rugby blokes. I feel really exposed up here. They don't look like rugby blokes, Paul. No? They look more like... What? I don't know.

Badminton? Maybe a spot of... Badminton. Quits. Quits? What are you talking about? These aren't sports. They might play quits.

Look, we're just going to... I'm not happy with where we're doing this today. I feel unsafe. Look, it's nice. You can have a sandwich. Yeah, I know. Does it see fear in it? Well, the sound...

The butties... Wait, limp? Limp sandwiches? The butties are limp. The butty... There's a limp butty. I don't like limp butties. No.

Pass the limp butty on the left-hand side. Pass the butty on the left-hand side. Can we do the show, Paul? Let's just do the show alright well then here's how we'll do it one of us will stand up at the plinth

and do a bit I can't believe you began to sing pass the butty on the left hand side well I'm in a singing mood aren't I

alright is it winky anyway let's just ignore them and just think about ignore who Paul just them

the people who came for a quiet drink tonight and now we're doing this in the corner. The Coits players. The Coits players. I hope they don't get they look, honestly

They look quite violent, mate. Vera said they're fine. She said the locals might Where is Vera? I'm not messing here. She's in the back room round there. She's back round there?

She's back round there. Is she not round there? Back round the end of the pub. The end of the bar. Back round there by the end of the pub. She, yeah. Is that a new catchphrase now? Back round there She's back round there Is she not round there? Back round the end of the pub The end of the bar Back round there By the end of the pub She er Yeah

Is that a new catchphrase now? Back round there No It's like To me To you Are we just chuckled this up? We haven't chuckled shit up

Paul Ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the first annual Cheap Show Awards The Cheapies Cheapos Cheapos Sponsored by

Uncle Grumbly's Jam No It's filling That's what he askedumbly's jam No It's filling That's what he asked me to say about it It's filling Do we have to be sponsored by The character who shits into jars Yes

Fair enough He's offered a lot of money up front £75 For a mention And throughout the show Well you've mentioned him now Yeah So I'm just saying

Can we put Uncle Grumbly to bed And then if he's happy Forever With the fine. So I'm just saying. Can we put Uncle Grumbly to bed? And then if he's happy with the final edit. No, I don't mean. What's wrong with Uncle Grumbly? Oh, I think he's just there to the side coming on. Would you like to say something, Mr. Grumbly? Oh, yes. I like making jam.

Yeah, so have you got any new kinds of jam coming? Well, I'm making some new gut fruit. Gut fruit. That's quite good, actually. Gut fruit jam. Nice, yeah. Is it thick or is it more watery? This one, it depends.

It depends on what? It varies in consistency as it comes out. It's a stewing process. You've got to, you know, lump it in the job yeah get off the stage you've had your promotion on the podcast bye grumblies thank you fucking hell paul they're fillings get off oh get off you right sorry right he's had he's done his advertisement bit now we can crack on with the show all right right? You know who could have sponsored this and we could have got a better fucking venue?

Who? No. The man whose name must not be mentioned. Voldemort for the cheap joke set. Mr. Brandoff. Mr. Brandoff. He could have. He could have.

He could have got us Wembley Arena. But that's like if Scientology had sponsored us or, you know. He was interested. His agents were all like Were they? Yeah. I got a call from that And what were they offering?

I got a call from that American guy who helps him out. Jimmy Biscuits? No, no. This was like the bodyguard guy. The bodyguard guy

he called me up. He was like Hey. Oh God. Paulie was like He was like Hey. Yeah hey yeah eli yeah uh okay the thing is mr brandoff he uh he has an interest in uh you know sponsoring what you hear about the cheapos you know he said to me go out there and i thought about it i thought yeah yeah what happened

i'm wondering what happened when you found out. Yeah, I thought about it. I contemplated it for a minute. Yeah. And I thought, I'll call him. Because if I do go and see those cheap show guys in the downstairs area, there's going to be some hardening. There's going to be a bit of hardening in the downstairs area.

That's what he said, Paul. So I said, no, we've got a sponsor already. And maybe next year. Great. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Cheap Show Awards sponsored by Uncle Grumbly's Jam. I'm your host, Paul Gannon, and with me is... Say your fucking name

why don't you get that why don't you get that it's embarrassing I was thinking what that guy called was called Freddie Goon that's what he was called Freddie Goon

Freddie Goon gave me a call Paul good he was getting way hard in the downstairs area I think he was getting I think his downstairs was hardening

as I spoke to him the coits guys are not happy. Well, you know. They don't like us using the word hard downstairs. Okay, say your name again and I'll say mine. I'm your host for tonight, Paul Gannon. And with me, as always... It's Eli Silverman, everybody.

Hi. Hi. What an exciting night we've got planned for you. Us, tonight. For me and you. And for me and you. We've got some get we got I'm gonna hide this we've got and then you say something that we've got and then and then I'll go go on

Why else we got and then you say something else we got right easy. So we'll start so poor what we got We've got some very special guests popping by to give their nomination and what else we got I haven't finished the sentence because I haven't really finished it. To read out a few nominations. And what else we got? We've got some mid-show entertainment

for our booked stand-up comedian Bobby Bollocks. We'll be doing a set at the midway point of the show. Looking forward to that. He's an up-and-coming

young old man. And what else we got? Lots of nominations. Yeah! What's the first nomination? Should we kick this off? Wait, wait, no. I'm thinking it through.

We got that. Oh, first of all, I want to kick it off with a very special mention to who made this awards ceremony not only possible, but also emotionally blacked all of us into making this episode about. So I'm just going to say thank you, Rhiannon.

And she's recorded a very special message to play because she couldn't be here tonight. Oh, this is a surprise to me. She lives on the moon. Ah, okay. So we're going to play a little message from Rhiannon right now. Let me just get the recorder out. Just press it up against the mic.

Press it up against the mic. Go. Hello, Cheap Show Lister. My name's Rhiannon, and for those of you that don't know, I am the person behind the Cheapskate Choice Awards. Paul has asked me to say a couple of words about the awards, as this is the much-anticipated awards episode. Yes, I do know that the episode is about three months late, but we'll gloss over that fact.

I guess the main reason why, well I've got two reasons why. The first one is for the awards to be a sort of thank you for the first 100 episodes of Cheap Show. And I guess it's a unique way. And secondly, it gives not only the Cheap Show guys, but the community something to look back on as a sort of best bits thing, as chosen by the community. Organising the awards has been heaps of fun. I'm really grateful for each and every one of you. Thanks also have to go out to Paul and Eli themselves for giving the awards airtime, really. Thank you both. I say this all the time on Twitter, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you, for being awesome. Finally, a special thank you has to go out to Alyssa for being such a huge help. She will deny that fact, but it's true, and she honestly deserves just as much love and thanks

as I do. Right, I've talked long enough now, so to finish off I've just got one more thing to say. With all that being said, I hope everyone enjoys the episode, or has enjoyed the episode, depending on where this falls. And, once again, thank you. Okay, so... Thank you, Rhiannon, you've made today very possible. Thank you very much. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, Push it more And more And more

I was Putting this together Listening to this fucking show Over and over again Which is more than we've even Ever fucking done Once it goes out online I don't

ever listen to it again I listen back I think I was good there I was good there I was good there I like pre-cum John pre-cum John

owning the whole pod twat Paul's a shit so thank you Rhiannon if you'd like to help say thank you on our behalf

reach out to her on Twitter I don't have a Twitter account off the top of my head isn't it just Rhiannon people change

their Twitter accounts why do they do that Paul I don't know I've never changed it it's me I think people can change their name but not their actual

Twitter handle so yes okay so you're just meant to check you're just meant to check I don't know I'm going to find out

I'm going to do this properly bear with me banter explain are you excited I'm going to find out. I'm going to do this properly. Bear with me. Banter. Explain. Are you excited? I'm so excited about the awards. Cheapos, they love it.

Down around here. Why are you awful? Like, just vamping. Why are you so... Why am I awful at vamping? Why are you... Well, let's have a vamp off. No.

Right, think of something. Eggs. Eggs? I'll hatch them. Out comes a monster. Ooh. Ooh, it's a fang monster. I'm a mutant.

Oh, I've done eggs. Fucking hell. Seriously. No, I own that. Again, more. That might be the worst. Think of something else. Might be the worst thing you've ever done on the show, but I don't know.

Let's have another jumping off point. I can banter. All right. I'm in the worst. Think of something else. Might be the worst thing you've ever done on the show, but I don't know. Let's have another jumping off point. I can banter. All right. I'm in the audience. Oh, I come from Swindon. Swindon? Shit, oh. Fuck it.

All right. Round here. Please continue, Paul. Come round here. Paul, come round here. If you want to say thank you to Rhiannon on behalf of all Cheap Show, go to at Skygirl1998. That's S-K-Y-E-G-I-R-L-19-98.

Of course. And yeah, because she's done amazing work, so thank you very much to her. But now we will never mention her again. Somehow doubt. Right, so I think we're going to start off. Oh, yeah, you're a bit grumpy today, Paul. Oh, I've got grumblies. You've got grumblies.

I ate too much meat last night. You ate meat. I ate many meats. much meat last night. You ate meat? I ate many meats. I ate sausage meat. I ate burger meat. I ate bacon. Wow, you really did. Fried egg.

An egg isn't a meat. Mate, I have had a certain movement that was like, oh. So, just to get this straight,

this is the cheapos, the first ever cheapos. Yeah, and I'm talking about my arse Which is our award shows Mr Grumbly fucking sponsors it And now you're talking about How much meat made you shit He's over there right now

You're talking about Meat made you shit And my mutant egg monster Is not fucking good enough My mutant egg monster All I'll say is right now Yeah yeah yeah He goes like that

Throughout the show Mr Grumbly will be making On the premises, jam. He'll be making French jam. If you listen very quiet, fresh jam. You can listen to him now as he boils up another vat of his jam. Oh, do we? Paul.

It's filling. This bit is not working. It's not working. Let's have the fucking awards. Let's do the first award. So, I tell you what, you can do the first one, all right? Okay. You can do the first award.

I'll present the award, yeah. I'm ready. That's what I'm here for, yes. This is Brentford Nylons, the money savers, where you can save pounds on nylon sheets, bedspreads, house coats, nighties, and of course, top quality polyester cotton sheets in prints and planes. Only from Brentford Nylons, the money savers. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the first award this evening.

You're shit. You've got to deal with that close, mate, in a live comedy environment. You said I could do something now. You said I could do this award. Yeah, but this is a live show, isn't it? So so you got to go with the punches and i'm the audience you haven't controlled me please shut up all right okay it's your show as well paul all right yeah you're just gonna make it i'm getting it interesting ladies and gentlemen it's uh the cheapos the first award of the evening is the favorite food reviewed. Now I've got the nominations here. Food is integral

to Cheap Show. We have several segments over the years that have developed. We had Cheap Eats where we talk about cheap stuff. There's the froth shop everybody. The froth shop where we have sweeties. Yeah, he liked the froth shop. Paul likes the froth shop. Yeah. And also it's developed into something more serious

over the years with the League of Snacks and Crisps which we had to as a reaction So it's developed into something more serious over the years with the league of snacks and crisps, which we had to as a reaction to the misinformation and bad science that is around the area of bar snacks and crisps, Paul. Yeah. So it's important. Well said. We review food. And also, of course, we will test off-brand products against the brand products

to see if it's worth just going for off-brand and saving the pennies. Because we're all about saving money here on Cheap Show Paul. Thank you very much. So, the nominees for the favourite food reviewed are... Bean Boozled. Yay, Bean Boozled. Next up, Dog Beer. Dog Beer.

We had High Strength Lagers-strength lagers. High-strength lager. Lastly, mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Then that was on the section known as Off-Brand Brand Off. Mayonnaise. The winner of the favourite food reviewed. It is... dog beer!

Oh, dog beer! Right, so, it looks like wine, doesn't it? Let's get a bit of a blurb on this, poor Serko, Paul. Okay, so, again a it's a wine for pets porsecco has been created with the advice of veterinary experts and taste tested by dogs and cats with our feline friends and dearest dog is giving it up giving it their palatability and a pause up fuck off me you designed to pour over food, making the perfect au jus. Is it purr-fect, though?

Purr-fect. Is it? Smell like that? Yeah. They can fuck off with their pun-filled bullshit. Smell it. Smell my... It actually smells of quite pleasant elderflower-y stuff.

It's not going to be... Have a sniff. It doesn't smell horrible at all compared to that. Oh, yeah. It smells like dandelion and burdock or elderflower cordial. There's no gag going off with Paul. Not at all. So far, I'm glad, actually, we got that cunt out of the way because that, mate, even the thought of that is making me horribly bad.

Oh, here we go. It's for cats and dogs. It tastes... Is it sweet? No, it tastes like elderflower and water. It just has a kind of... That is... I mean, put that on some ice,

I'd actually fucking drink a glass of that. I mean, yeah, it's... You want a bit of sweetness. A little, because it's not sweet, because obviously, as you said, what's the point? But it has got that slightly elderflower-y... It tastes like

a very, very watered-down dandelion and burdock with elderflower culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is drinkable, whereas the bottom sniff of beer for dogs... Might be the most fucking awful thing. It's not good.

I keep sniffing it. Oh, it's so fecal. It's so fecal. Paul. What? Do you want to come up and accept the awards? I'll come up. Hang on.

Come up here. Come around here. Come around here. Come around here. Up here. You go up there, not down here. To me. Shut up! Paul, now, I can't help thinking this one,

because of your infamous gag reflex, you really, I think this may have been the closest you've ever come to actually vomiting whilst recording onto the floor of your own home. It's right up there with dangling snot from your nose and beard, which made me nearly retch my guts. Aye, aye, aye. Right up there with blood being boozled. Now, Paul, can you remember what it was about the dog beer that really set you off? It tasted fine, but the smell was pure chunky

bone and gristle it was hard to explain it's like that smell bone has you know it has a meaty smell it has that chunky marrow bony jelly wobbly gristly nastiness okay thank you very much magic moment honk my guts it was a magic moment for me, Paul, I have to say. So many of you obviously agreed with us out there in Cheapskatesville. So again, the winner for the first award tonight, our favourite food that we've reviewed. We've reviewed. It was the dog beer, episode 66. Right, I'll do this one next. I'll do the next award.

This one is noodles. So you sit down. Sit down. And I'll stand here next award This one is noodles So you sit down Sit down And I'll stand here Here we go The next category tonight The cheap Oh

Paul Fucking get it together mate I forgot an important thing A really important thing What? So We haven't got an award We haven't got anything

We haven't got a statue yet But I thought about that on the way in, and I got something. So, right, I'll give you the award when you accept the nomination, all right? It's something gross. You're going to put something gross in my hand.

I know that's what you're doing. I've splashed out for the awards today, all right? So I'll win it, and then I'll hand you the award. All right, I'll keep my eyes open I'd just like to tell you this that's fine that's fine you can leave your eyes open

there's nothing to fear here just do the award to save space apart from that cunt over there staring at me and those coy guys who right now seriously

have you seen the evils that guy's given me just I shouldn't point at him don't point at him for fuck's sake right okay noodles

everybody except me loves noodles on this fucking show I shouldn't point at him. Don't point at him. For fuck's sake. Right, okay. Noodles. Everybody except me loves noodles on this fucking show. And we wanted to celebrate noodles by offering you the chance to vote for your favourite noodle that we reviewed on the show. Boo! Boo! More noodles! I'm just doing what you did. More noodles!

Yeah, but I did it with wit. Boo! I challenged you. You're not doing anything. Just say noodles. I agree with you. Noodle hater. No, but I did it with wit. Boo. I challenged you. You're not doing anything. You're saying noodles. I agree with you. Noodle hater. No, I'm not.

You're not a noodle hater. Shut up. You are a noodle hater. I'm not. You're trying to do what? You haven't dealt with me heckling, have you? I ain't no noodle hater. I'm a noodle lover. That's, again.

I'm a noodle lover. I like to pour tonkatsu on my tonkatsu. Oh, God. Right, shut up. So, noodles are very important. For students and people on low incomes, instant noodles can be a gratifying and healthy snack. People in jail. People in jail.

Noodles have become a bit more mainstream lately with people eating them. Through our podcast, people eating them. And Eli enjoys noodles. And it's been one of his most loved moments. Paul, this is failing. Your noodle bit is failing. Introduce. Can I just...

Let's have a rig-a-rig-a-rewind on this, yeah? Yeah. And can we have just some enthusiasm? Some genuine enthusiasm for the noodles. It's a... All of the show's existence. Sit back down and let me do the speech. Just do it properly. Sit back down.

What's all this? Sit back down. I want joy. Sit back down. I want joy and I want elan and I want graceful warmth. All right. Okay? Hey, everybody.

Now it's time for our favourite noodle reviewed section of the show where you get to choose out of all the noodles we've reviewed on this show which you thought was the best. Now Eli I'm sure has a few opinions of his own but tonight we're here to celebrate the instant noodle, a cheap and life-saving snack in some instances that you can pimp, you can devil with and you can explore. Devil with? Anyway, the nominees are Broad

Ribbon Noodles. Fuck yeah! Go for it! Nissen Black Garlic Tonkotsu. One Time Spicy Chicken Sanyang. Yeah, alright. Two Time Spicy Chicken Sanyang. The dragon! The right. Two times spicy Chicken Ssangyang.

The dragon! The dragon made us eat it! The dragon! We've moved on from that. The dragon made us eat it, Paul! I'm so obsessed with that. So, four nominees now. Eli, you haven't seen the results.

What do you think it might be? Who would you think? The best review, as in the funniest review. I don't know. Maybe it's just best. I think it's got to be. Yeah. It's got to be the tonkatsu or the ribbon.

All right. Well, let's see what it says. Let me open my envelope. Remember, you're going to get an award now. Ladies and gentlemen, favorite noodle reviewed on Cheap Show. And the winner is the two-time spicy chicken Samyang from the episode 62.

Okay. So accepting the award for Samyang noodles is Mr. Eli Silverman. Hello. Okay, so... You've got the awards in the bag. Okay, I've been handed the award. Thank you, by the way. Thanks very much.

It wasn't what I was expecting. It's good. It's very good. And it gives me a chance... What? The award is in a plastic bag, everybody. It feels soft. It's not soft.

It feels... Unless I've given you the wrong bag. No, I've given you the right... Oh, it's just wrapped. Uh-oh. Here's the award. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah.

It's a ceramic dusty bin. Yay! From 321. Wow. It's a money, money. It's a money box. It's a ceramic money bank shaped in the style of dusty bin.

Well, I have to say, thank you very much. That is now the official cheapo. Now that we've seen what the winning noodle is, Paul, I think you'll have to now, I think this is a chance. This platform is a chance for you to admit once and for all that a dragon did make us eat it in under a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, I can admit tonight, finally, on these prestigious awards, that I have no idea what that cunt of yours is talking about.

The dragon made us eat it, Paul. I don't fucking know what you mean. Never, don't remember it. That is on that episode. It's not canon. What number is that episode? It's not canon. 62.

How can you get a cheapo if it's not canon? There you go. That's a problem with the awards, isn't it? Not mine. What's the number of that award? 62. Freedom for the 62-ette! Isn't that Minge Muncher?

No, it's the one with the dragon made us eat a noodle. And we didn't manage it. That's the Minge Muncher episode that I don't remember at all. Shut up. Anyway, congratulations, Sam Yang. Do you have any final words to speak?

You can't rewrite history. Noodle Posse forever Hello I've got a new rally Quite right too I've got a new rally It's the most popular brag in Britain Hey, I've got a new rally

Hooray Hello I've got a new rally Yes, it's got style I've got a new rally. Yes, it's got style. I've got a new rally. I ride rally for a living. Mel's got a new rally. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Who's enjoying themselves now? Noodles? Woo! Love it. Great. So good to be here, everyone. And, uh, woo! What a night.

Boing! What did you touch your dick for? Listen, just stay there I'm doing my bit This is embarrassing Okay, noodles That's random No, I'm just loving it I'm loving it Paul

Now, we've got an award coming up You're going to absolutely love Ladies and and gentlemen, Cheapskates. There it is. Now it's time for your favourite Price of Shite moment. That's right. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite.

Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. That's right. And that's right. And that's motherfucking right. That's right. And that's right. And that's my fucking right. That's right. They heard you over there. Just don't look at them.

Just carry on. But it is right, Paul. It is right. It is right. I don't think they like the winky sound at the start. Okay, now here I've been handed the envelope, ladies and gentlemen, and it is time for the nominations for the favourite Price of Shite moment you've got to do

a bit of spiel about Price of Shite what it means here are your nominees no you've got to do a bit about oh Price of Shite

we did this to do that and it's important and you're meant to big it up ok favourite Price of Shite moment now Price of Shite

has been an integral part of Cheap Show since the early days ladies and gentlemen it is the guessing game where we have items, and there's been a lot of incarnations of it over the years, lots of different formats, and

a lot of betrayal, outright betrayal of me by Paul. Shitty tie! Shitty tie! The shitty tie? That you put round your neck. Oi, oi, oi! Now, I don't know if that moment's going to appear on the list of nominees,

but I surely hope if there's any fucking justice and fairness in the minds of our listeners, Paul, it won't be. Because that wasn't a moment anyone wants to remember and I could have got sick from touching the shitty tie, okay? Right, so there's been some betrayal. There's been some format changes.

Is that like the time you had that grotty eye patch that you made me touch? Or what about the gum you found on the floor of a tube station? It wasn't on the floor. It was in a bag. That we ate. It was in a bag. I ate it too. There's been betrayal on both sides, mate.

Can I just say? There's been a bit of tit for tat. You started the betrayal off. There's been a lot more tit than tat, mate. You're a tit. You're a tat. Right. And a wretched fucking knob goblin.

You went on YouTube and messed up the whole cliffhanger version of the prize to strike, which was our chance to show a wider audience our game pool, and you just made a technical error. Do you want to hear the nominations? I want to go out. Yeah, well, I don't think walking out the front is going to be an option anymore. I'm hoping the back door is open

around the back of the room. I think Vera will open the back door for us. Will Vera open her back door for you? I think she will, Paul. Well, then that's not too bad. I've got something to dream. Vera! Right?

Is it true what they say about your back door? Shh! Come on. You can ruin the goodwill. All right, go on, go on, go on, go on. So, is that enough of a preamble for you, Paul? Yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Favourite Price of Shite moment.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the nominees. We've got the blood-encrusted eye patch. Next nominee, Eli repeatedly began snapping, and that's right. What? What's this say? Eli repeatedly began snapping,

and that's right. The intro song went on for ages. That's the second nominee. All right, fine. Third nominee for the favourite Price of Shite moment here on the Cheap Show Awards, Keith. Oh, fucking Keith. Simply Keith. Still one of those traumatising Cheap Show events.

And our last nominee, Paul counting the steps wrong and being mocked for it yes that's what I referred to can I just reveal now that I actually did count in the drops as part of the 25 in your dope addled madness you forgot that that's what I was meant to do dope addled? I was never stoned

filming Barshans to my knowledge even so that would not particularly Ever stoned filming Barshans, to my knowledge. Even so, that would not particularly stop me from still not getting that right in a sober manner. Okay, well, Paul, it's made it onto the list. Whether you were meant to do it or not, that's one of the nominees. You fucking that up. Good.

So, we've got the blood-encrusted eye patch, the intro song going on for ages. Keith, who doesn't get enough of a mention. Thank you. And also, you fucking it up at the critical moment. Okay, so. What's the winner? The winner of the favourite Prize of Shine moment. It is the blood-encrusted eye patch. Right.

Way out in front. 65% of the vote. The blood-enrusted eye patch yes great a moment of fantastic it's not

it was one of the pranking perhaps the best pranking ever happened on the I don't know up until the shit tie I think the shit tie

was better because they got you to wear it the shit tie does nothing how was that not ranked the shit tie

is just copying how was the shit tie not ranked in that because everyone remembers the original Paul the shit tie was the in that? Because everyone remembers the original, Paul. The shit tie was the Ghostbusters 2 of this franchise. The shit tie was the last Jedi.

It certainly was. And the eye patch is iconic. Literally. Pun intended. Are you ready for your first item? Yes. Here it is, Paul. I think you're going to like this one.

This is an iPad dressing. What does that mean? It is, when you've hurt your eye, Oh, fuck off. What do you mean? Fuck off. For the iPad. I thought it was like something for the iPad. No, it's not for the iPad.

Like it was like something to fix your iPad screen. It's a bit grotty. Maybe you wouldn't want to hold this in your hand. But anyway, Astroplast, and it's got a little pharmaceutical green cross,

white cross on the back, green background. Yeah. And it's got someone who looks like he's just started to dress up for a pirate character. Or a future space pirate.

A future space, but he does look like a future space pirate. It's more future space pirate. He's got an a future space pirate. It's more future space pirate. He's got an eye, but it is actually a medical item. Yeah. An iPad dressing. So it's got a band and you put it on your eye when you've hurt your eye or someone spat in it or something.

Yeah, that happens. So that is the first item. That is the cheapest item, Paul. Okay. Interesting. It is very mucky. It is filth laden. Yes.

Did you find it on the floor? I'm not going to say anything. Did you find this on the floor that I've just touched with my hand? Then what would your guess be for the price? If you fucking called this nothing, I'm going to punch you. Well, it's up to you to make the decision. You fucked this game. I'm not.

People are interested in this. It's an eye dressing. It's an unusual item. The fact that it's so filthy means it looks like you've found it somewhere. Is that your final answer? You're saying nothing, yeah? No, because then I'm massively out if I get it wrong. To hedge my bets, I'm going to

say 5p. Is that your final answer? Yes. Do I reveal it to you now? You reveal it to me now and you tell me how many steps it goes up so you can do it one at a time and go... So, this Astroplast iPad dressing was found on the floor.

I fucking hate you! It was outside a tube station. So it was zero. You dirty little bastard. No, it adds flavour. All right, we'll take your fucking award then. Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Yes. This, yes. The eye patch forever. Dragons made us eat noodles. And noodles. Just generally noodles. Sit down, I'm going to do the next award. Sit down.

Pickles haven't been mentioned yet. Right, sit down. I'm going to do the next one. Oh, this will be a fun one. Ladies and gentlemen,

the next award tonight is... Hang on. Get on with it. Shut up. Right. This category is favourite tales from the shop floor! Now we introduced tales from the shop floor to basically encourage our listeners to

tell us about their lives behind the battlements. You know, we go into charity shops all the time we thought oh wouldn't it be nice to have stories from people who work here? And people did get in touch. Shut up! And they did get in touch. And, um, they uh, some of those stories were about shit. It's too so badly.

Tells me shop floor mean a lot to us. It gets us reaching out to you and you reach out to us and we exchange stories of our adventures in stores not just charity shops but anywhere around the world we've had stories from America

Germany Australia Great Britain but which one was the best story this nomination as voted for by listeners

of this podcast collated by Rhiannon have decided here are the top four moments from Tales from the Shop Floor. Here are your nominations.

Here's your first one. Eat shit, McCunts. Dirty processed by the protest. Dirty protest by the homeless woman

in McDonald's. That story. Remember that where she writes it in I didn't like that. For me, Paul, that pushed it over

to the gag. The sink full of shit. It was just... Shut up. Next one. I like dead people, dead old people more. Well, let's see what...

Let's see where we go. You might get lucky, mate, since that's your favourite thing. Yeah, dead old people. Shut up. Shut up. Fleecy pocket wanker. That story about the guy

who wanks in pockets in shops. Oh, yeah. How many comes in all the pockets? It dries. Does it dry? It dries. It dries. Oh, baby, yeah, it dries. No, but how dry does it get? It probably gets all crusty. Like completely desiccated? Yeah.

Just asking. It gets all dusty. Right, next one. Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim. I think that comes from the story about the woman who did plops in the shop

remember you think and then the skids behind it well that's a strong contender Paul because that did lead to one of our

most beloved couples yes one of the most human emotionally touching caring loving relationships

nuanced relationship it's the Ross and Rachel of our time she plops it out he squishes it in it's a relationship it's a beautiful thing Nuance. Nuance. Relationship. It's the Ross and Rachel of our time. She plops it out, he squishes it in. It's a relationship.

It's a beautiful thing. The next one and final nomination. He's done that. The W.H. Smiths couple. Barry and Amanda. Man shits in shop and returns the following week pretending nothing has ever happened. Yes. So there are the four stories that you voted for. Are they all shit ones?

Eat shit, no dead please. No, the second one's bunk. Lady Plops is poo and the last one's ploop. But it's not mostly poo. We've got three poos, one spoff.

Yes. Three poos, one spoff, ladies and gentlemen. But no corpses, which I'm personally disappointed about. I'm interested to see what the winner is,

Paul. I'm sad that we didn't get Bag of Bags on there. The Bag of Bags. That was a great story. I like the one where the guy went into the changing room and died. And then an elderly woman in her pants ran out. Yeah, that is one of your favourites because it covers all your bases.

Elderly people, death. Nude old ladies. Right. Shut up. So, there are your nominations, but which one was the top best? Tales from the Shop Floor. The winner is... Madam Lady Plops and Squishy Jim.

They're going to do it for episode 96. Let's get Squishy Jim and Lady Plops on stage to accept the award today. Who is it? Thank you all. And Madam Lady Plops. Yeah, she is. I'm Squishy Jim, yeah. Remember when our story was first featured on the podcast, I remember listening to it on the wireless and thinking,

Squishy Jim. Yes, yes, madam. They're talking about us on the radiogram. And I was like, oh, I'm Squishy Jim. And then, well, well, we got- Remember when we got together? It was just simple times. I was randomly pooing in a restaurant and-

I'll squish it, I'll squish it in, that's what I do. Squishy Jim. Squishy- If she does one, I'll- I'll squish it in, yeah? Yes, he's very gentle like that. So if I drop him, he squidgees him. That's the deal, it's how it's always been.

I'll rub it right in! Squish it in! Squish it in in, squish it in, squish it in, squish it in! Yes, so, I just want to use this opportunity to thank Cheap Show for letting me plop, and thank you. Did you plop? Did you plop, madam? Madam, did you plop? Not yet. I'm ready to squish something so, so squished. I've got a squish on. I just want to say one thing to you, Squishy Jim. Yes?

I love you, and I want you to be my husband. Squishy Jim! Squishy Jim! The ring's in one of the plops. Oh, I'd better truffle through it then. Thanks, everybody. No, go on stage. Sniff my shit. Look for my ring. Listen, do'm... Listen. Do you say yes or no?

I say yes, but can we just do this in private? Oh, save me some of that. I'll add it to the jam. Oh, okay. Oh, you're a handsome chap. Who's this? Who's this guy? Who's this? It's Mr. Grumbly. I like him. Aren't you a handsome chap? Maybe we should talk. Are you. Grumbly. I like him. All right. What's your handsome chap?

Maybe we should talk. Are you going to... What? I like your jam. Maybe we can team up on a venture. Listen, I need to be involved in anything that goes on in your life. I think things are moving on now. Pass that, Squishy Jim. What will Squishy Jim do?

Why don't you run away with me, Lady Plops? Hang on. We'll start a shit jam factory full of all the gut fruit you want in my little hovel. Oh, definitely. Let's go. Is there room for someone to squish in the factory? You shan't be needed no more, Squishy Jim. Engagement's off. Madam Plop Plops. All right, I- I don't know.

I- better go then. Can you get off the stage now, please? It's really awkward. You've kind of ruined the whole- Squishy- The whole vibe, so sit down. Listen- I think we're going to have to go to a commercial.

I need to take these Plop Plops. We need to just go to a- This is the last Plop Plops! We need to go to commercial! It was awful. He was blind to her charms, impervious to her go to a commercial. This is the last plot! We need to go to commercial! It was awful. He was blind to her charms, impervious to her womanly wiles.

Then she discovered Just Musk, the perfume with the provocative aroma which has stimulated man's desires since time immemorial. The effect was startling. His animal passions aroused. She was powerless to resist. His muscular arms enfolded her

softly yielding body. Oh, what? Just musk, by L'Entretien. Shouldn't be allowed. Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for one of our special guests to come in.

Apparently, we've got a few friends locked in the, er, gents' toilets. It's the green room. The gents' toilets that you've put a chair up against the door so they can't

get out. I think they're pissed off. Well, I've sent Squishy Jim in after them. Anyway, there's some squishing to do in

there, Paul. I'm sure there is. Listen, you're the one who just made Madden Plot Plops run off with Uncle Grumbly. I couldn't believe it.

What am I going to do with him? I was watching it unfold. What's Squishy Jim going to do? I'm not getting involved in that. It's not to do? I'm not getting involved in that. It's not my problem.

I'm not getting involved in that. Well, he's back there. He's with the guests. Is he back round there? Is he up round there or is he back round there? He's back round there. I've got to keep him distracted. He's a large man.

He's a large and dangerous adult man. Ladies and gentlemen. He's a big, strong adult with big arms, big squatter boots on. Yeah? Ladies and gentlemen, our next category is Best Cheap Eats Moment. Award. It's an award, not a category. It's the same fucking difference.

The next award category is Cheap Eats. And here to introduce it, against his will, is Mr Ash Frith, who's not dead, obviously. He's just busy. He's got a life and radio show, and he's got another podcast. Oh, God. Paul.

It's painful. Paul, have something to help your stomach. We're doing a recording here. Anyway. This should be good, not just you going... Ladies and gentlemen, painful you Paul to have something to help your stomach we're doing a recording here anyway this should be good not just you going ladies and gentlemen the way

by the way do you know what this means what Uncle Crumbly can't come back for the rest of the awards can he he's run off with lady plops he'd be a fool

to show his face with Squishy Jim hanging around yeah it might get dangerous exactly so can we have that from you Paul behind the man behind the character?

Yes. Yes, I'm talking to you, Paul. Yes. I'm not talking to Uncle Grumbly. Yes. I get it. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the next award category is Mr. Ash Frith. One time.

One time. Funny thing is, I used to be considered a sort of semi-host of this show, you know? Paul used to let me on all the time. Barely get a look in nowadays. When we do live shows, we used to have a green room. Sitting here in this bog, it takes the piss. Speaking of piss, well, it stinks. I don't think that's Mr Biffo either, and I tell you what, I'm not interested in bloody what you'll do to my whatsit, and not calling that bloody number, I don't know if it's your number anyway,

I'm not putting my eye up against that hole either, I'm not falling for that again, Paul used to, used to get me on the show all the time. There'd be a green room at some places. Food and drink. Not eating the cakes in this room. Urinal cakes. That's what I was getting at. Anyway. Let's see what we can assume we've got here cheap eats is a feature that you know the shows hung on the enjoyment of this show seems to be that all all food could be enjoyed for any price but it can't some of this stuff is inedible. I remember, oh God, just seeing Paul sort of just spit out. Anyway, oh dear. It's not really, I mean, people say this is the best part of the show.

But it's not, is it? Let's be honest. It's an easy way of getting listeners just to hear the reactions of the people and the guests anyway the nominations for this year's Cheap Eats Award are the Chinese Moment Saga

Drinking Dog Beer Fish Sausage I mean we've all seen the picture from the live show either Paul Gagging slash Almost Vomiting Fish sausage. I mean, we've all seen the picture from the live show, either. Paul gagging slash almost vomiting. And the winner of favourite cheap eats moment is...

Dog beer. It got 77 votes and 22.25% of the award. Congratulations, dog beer. Well, maybe they'll get me back on the proper show as soon as I've gone through this. So I'm going to open beer. It gets walkies. What else does it fucking want, Paul?

Boozies. Woof, woof, woof, bark. Woof, woof, woof, bleh. I might not want to drink this. I'll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen. I might not want to drink this. What you just you what, ladies and gentlemen. I might not want to drink this. What you just missed there is Paul has sniffed the bottoms up dog beer. Bottom sniffer.

Bottom sniffer, dog's beer. And his nose is... Sniff that. Oh, no. Sniff that. Oh, no. Really? Sniff it.

I'm gone. I'm going to get a cup. Right. Now, the nose report on the dog beer is not good. It's not good.

It's got a distinctly fecal smell. It's got a fucking horrible smell to it. It smells of shit. It smells of shit and dog food. Yeah, it's got...

Yeah, that's... I don't think I can do this. Pour it. It's extremely ripe and pooey. Oh, I can't do it. What colour is that? I think they've made it meat flavours. The dog likes it.

It looks like cloudy lemonade. I'm going to taste this. I will taste it, but I'm warning you now. I will only taste a very small bit of that. Go on, Paul. Do not doubt that. No. I'll be taking delicate sips of this.

Take one delicate sip. Mate, I'm actually quite scared. Don't smell it. Hold your nose. You're going to have to take a little sip, Paul. I'm holding my breath. All right. I don't know if I can.

I don't think Paul can do it. You can't do it, Paul. No. I will do it. No, you don't have to do it. That was a proper gag reaction. I know, I saw you. Paul is having trouble keeping breakfast down.

Paul is having trouble keeping the... Sausage pudding. Sausage burger with raw onions. Okay. keeping breakfast down. Paul is having trouble keeping the sausage burger with raw onions. Okay. Hit it. Here we go. I'm going to taste it. Yes, that is one of the worst things

we've ever had on the show. It's lemony, Paul. I'm just thinking about it. It's bitter, lemony. But it smells why can't I stop this gag reflex

it's so fucking awful oh god that's so bad have you got water yeah there's water I want to try this but I'm really afraid of being vitally sick right now

it's sour it's the smell I know it's not but let me tell you it doesn't taste like the smell it doesn't taste like the smell it's so bad isn't it

Paul you'll be alright Paul take a deep breath It doesn't taste like the smell? It doesn't taste like the smell. It's so bad, isn't it? Paul, you'll be all right. Paul, take a deep breath. Now, Paul. Oh, no. I'll tell you what this is. This is the worst thing we've ever done. I think it is. Oh, God.

I mean, we've tasted bad stuff on the show before that smells it smells like that squid flavoured bit double

double bubble it smells like those jelly bonies it's tough because you're right the flavour is just like

really bitter lemon sort of kind of sort of sour but it's the smell that offsets it It's got a beefy

It smells like dog vomit It smells like that chunky dog vomit Yeah yeah yeah And mate That is easily The worst thing I've put in my mouth On this show

And that is saying something Well Paul To be fair It isn't designed For human consumption You're right You're right

But still Fuck me Oh another award For dog fear isn't designed for human consumption. You're right. You're right. But still, fuck me. Oh, another award for dog beer. I'm flabbergasted, Paul. I can't remember. Poor Seko obviously touched a nerve with our audience, I think. I think we're going to have to,

there must be other products on the market that we're going to have to bring it back. Yeah. They've won two awards. Yeah. Do you think anything else, any other single, you know, item of

a segment will actually win more than one award tonight? Maybe. I don't know. Well, we've got a frontrunner now. And who would have guessed it? It's the Don Beer. Give me the fucking award. I've not accepted it. I'll give it one accepted. Accept that award. Ash was fucked off. Well, he's busy. He's a busy guy. He went

out of Vera's back passage. Yes. That's how he got up. Anyway, thank you for awarding me this moment for Dog Beer, the poor secco, episode 66. Again, a violent reaction, but one that brought joy to a lot of people who listened to the show. So obviously a lot of people like seeing me in violent discomfort.

Thanks for that. So I'm going to cherish you this award. Thank you so much. And keep dreaming. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Right.

The next segment is... I've got to get me... It's not the next segment, Paul. No, you're confusing segments, categories, and award categories. It's not a segment. The segment's what we do on the show. You get an award for the best segment. Come on.

What is it, then? What's the next category? The next category in the Cheap Show Awards is favourite segment. Exactly. It would have been bad if you'd said next segment awards is favourite segment exactly would have been bad if you'd said next segment is the favourite segment

well it is a segment about a segment I've got a segment you don't you have a you don't have a

segment I wasn't referring to that you were I wasn't just say you were referring to your dick and we

can all move on it's a chunky segment right good anyway we have many segments of The Price of Shite. They've built and

grown as the show's developed organically. What's the show called, Paul? Keep Show. You said we have many sections in The Price of Shite.

That's what you just said. Oh, God. Come on, Paul. Look at me. Yeah. Get it together. Right.

Honestly. There are many. Speaky, speaky. We have many. Mindy, mouthy, connecty, speaky. Shut up. Speaky, speaky. speaky, mindy, mouthy, connecty, speaky. Shut up. Speaky, speaky.

Talk good. Read good. Talk good. There are many segments in Cheap Show that we're very proud of. They've grown and developed over the years organically, as we ourselves have grown the show organically. We've basically tried to introduce you to the joys of living on the cheap via games and challenges and reviews, and we've broken the show up into segments

And here according to your nominations are the four top Segments of cheap show here are the nominal kitchen shots its noodle kitchen noodle kitchen The categories that the nominations are Don't get mad The nominations are... Don't Get Mad. Ooh. The Price of Shite.

Hey, that's right. Off Brand Brand Off. Brand Off. Brand Off. Brand Off. And Tales from the Shop Floor. Ooh. And the winning segment is...

Tales from the Shop Floor. Yay! Who's going to accept that? I think the cheapskates need to accept that. Why is that the best segment? Because it's like letters about... 15% of the vote. Do I know what came second?

Close. What? Price of Shine. I don't even like Tales from the Shop Floor. Well, you have to accept it. It's what they've said. You accept it. Okay, fine. It's not a segment said. You accept it. Okay, fine.

It's not a segment that we've created. We just said write a letter in. It is a segment we created. Of course it's... We just said send stuff in. Paul, you're sounding like a fucking bitter little baby. Price is Right is a format we built. You're sounding like a twisted little ego baby

in your little pod of juices floating around the sky. Just accept the award because I've lost interest now. You've lost interest now? Yeah. You've lost interest a long, long time ago, Paul. Come on. Cheer up.

I want a drink. Well, go up there then. Get this one. I'm going to get a drink while you accept this. We're just a stand-up comedian, dude. It's coming in a minute. After these bits. Well, let's have a drink then. All this. We're going to have a stand-up comedy comedian do it. It's coming in a minute. We're going to... After these bits... Well, let's have a drink then.

All right, okay. All right, well then I'll... Go on, just do the award. Thank you so much. And this really means a lot because Tales from the Shop Floor is where you give to us and we give back with sometimes some... You know, you write to us and sometimes the narrative is badly structured. And you reuse words in a... Grammatically sloppy.

Grammatically sloppy and also... Poorly read out by... By you, Paul. Yes, you read them out poorly. And I just want to say thank you very much. Don't ever stop. Don't ever stop, cheapskates, from seeing people die and or shit or spoff off in a pocket in a shop or even

piss or maybe drink some old milk and vomit or piss or shit in a can or you know what i'd like to see is a tales of the shop floor that was real that was real because we do we've got a bullshit detector on sales for the shop floor don't we uh where someone tries to shit through a hole in a piece of cardboard. Right. Target diarrhea. That's what I want to see, ladies and gentlemen. Is this you vamping again? Because again, oh, stinky poo-poos. Are you back? Stinky poo-poos. Stinky poo-poos,

Mr Silverman. I don't know, why has poo overtaken spunk as the cheap show fluid of choice? I don't know, Paul, but thanks. It ebbs and flows. Right, let's move on to the next nomination category. There you go, it's that one. Okay, now, there's a...

This is a great award now, ladies and gentlemen, here on the cheapo's. I'm enjoying myself, I don't know about you, Paul. I went out back. Yeah. I took a piss. Next to those bins. Not round there, in the toilet those bins not not round there

in the toilet in the green room did you go round there or you come round here come on do you know what I think we've broken cheap show

with that come round here thing you started it I know but it's something only I find funny I know but now I find it funny

because it wanes you up I know but no one else does, Paul. Who knows? Maybe next year, best award is to come round here. Now, it's time for me to present the award points. Keep in your seat. I'm sitting down. Yes, so, ladies.

No. Ladies. It's like a male stripper just came on stage. Well, look, I'm sure there was a male stripper here looking at the stage. There's a lot of oil on the floor. Glitter, hearts there in an oil. And that's a courgette

with a very obvious ass dimple in it. There's a courgette with a condom on it and there's a thong. Yeah, that's mine though. It's very grubby. It's been places

you don't never want to go to, my friend. It's been a ride up Crack Alley. The next award category here on the Cheap Show Awards

is the segment you most want to return. Now, there is a wide array of segments on the show. There is. Paul, that there's some come, some go, some make unexpected comebacks in the middle of something else. Some come, some go. Look, it was a very small mispronunciation of the phrase. No, I do the same same when you're like you just made a whole

verb up cornering off okay cornered off okay let me corner off your little interjections here now paul right yeah and uh say yes segments come segments go? And sometimes they come spontaneously. And sometimes they're planned. Yeah? But we try to... Oh, this is a not very good speech, is it? So let's just get to the nominees. All right, okay.

The segment you most want to return. The first nominee is the car boot challenge. Oh! Now this is a... Popular choice. Very rare segment. Yep. The next one, Eli's cut price life hacks. Oh. Now this is a popular choice. Very rare segment. Yep. The next one

Eli's Cut Price Life Hacks. Oh. I think that should return. Well yeah but you never prepare the show so. Listen when I see a life hack

as strong as don't have a dog then it will return. Fair play. Fair play. The next nominee for the segment you most want to return

here on Cheap Show, going through trashy magazines. Oh. That never worked as well as I wanted to, that segment. I'll be honest with you. Well. Because you open it up and actually you think it's going to be a bit of fun. And it's like, dead baby raped my dead dad's corpse with my sister's sperm

in my good boyfriend's hospital death accident. You think, oh, mate. Okay, so going through trashy magazines is there. And the last nominee for the segment you most want to return, semi-radio play episodes. Semi-radio play episodes. Semi-radio play episodes. Semi-radio play episodes.

By which I think... I don't know what they mean. They mean where it's a little bit of a drama outside the house of pickles or the studio Paul I don't believe you've ever done anything like that

like yes don't believe you've ever done that are you denying the whole category exists all I'm saying is because when the dragon made us eat the noodle which has won an award tonight

that was one of these semi-radio play episodes no I don't remember it it's like you keep going on about the haunted house we visited and I don't remember that at all there play episodes no I don't remember it it's like you keep going about the haunted house with the lizard and I don't remember that at all it was a haunted house

don't remember it sorry mate there was a dragon no made us eat a two times hot noodle and that time you said you got attacked in your flat by a girl

who was stalking you via Skype that didn't happen I don't remember that either I sometimes think half of the cheap show is in your head sometimes I think

everything's in my head and I just exist in a vat just with me and my knob a brain and a knob brain and a knob that's the name of a pub we should have booked the brain but here we are we're here in this spoff and pickle all right so and thank you very much to everyone here thank you no one's looking at us well i just think bring attention to it don't bring attention to it I'm going to keep it positive Paul so do you want to know

the winner of the segment that the cheapskates want to return the most Paul go on the winner is Carboo Challenge oh

now I'm here with the creator of Cheap Show Mr Paul Gannon oh hello and Paul you've seen that the Carboo Challenge has won the segment.

People want to return the most. So, have you got anything to say about that? Yes, it's a difficult episode to plan because of logistics, really, more than anything else. Availability, time, whatnot. But we are hoping to get another one soonly done. You actually did that. Soonly done.

Soonly done. Soonly done. We'll get another episode soonly done. Don't we have fun on Cheap Show. Everyone's having a laugh. Everyone's having a good time. Soonly done. That's good. Let's do the next category.

Out of the future, Airfix bring you a new concept in toys next category Out of the future Airfix bring you a new concept in toys The world of the Micronauts Toys like Microtron With interchangeable parts Not just one toy but several Microtron, program him to be Galactic Warlord

Cosmic Patrol Craft Master Robot Interplanetary Rover Mix and interchange Microtron with all the other toys In the world of the Micronauts Cosmic patrol craft. Master robot. Interplanetary rover. Mix and interchange microchrom of all the other toys in the world of the Micronauts. Permutations too many for the human mind to calculate. All right, I'll take the next one. It's a favorite character.

All right, so you sit down. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, the next nominee is favorite character. Now, we've somehow managed to get many characters many lively sorts to join us on cheap show over the years and they've rained from the delightful to the downright depressing and shameful embarrassing so let's see which of those cunts made it through to this shit show of a category celebrating the worst of Eli and Paul Gannon's acting ability, where we celebrate broadness, stereotypes. No, we don't.

Nastiness. No, Paul. Horrible. You've been really down, Paul. We dredge the bottom of the bin. Paul. Of Dusty Bin. We dredge Dusty Bin and come up with a character. And we think it's funny, but then the audience like it,

and then you're stuck with it. Now I know how Philip Schofield felt fucking gordon the gopher he didn't do that character for one no ledman's and blobby i feel for you no i feel for you because blobby runs you blobby runs you yeah paul blobby blobby blobby paul can you paul we've only got, we've only got the stage booked until... I thought we had it all night. No, they've got the darts tournament, which apparently Vera tells me is, you know, hotly contested. Oh, I'm not getting involved in that.

Yeah. I'm not having fucking the Quait guys and a darts team coming in and giving me shit. Exactly. All right, anyway. Stop being... Can I also just one more note

stop being shit no that's take that as a standard note one more note can you stop being so down on everything and us okay

oh ladies and gentlemen oh it's the favourite character award oh I'm so excited what are the nominees oh I'm so excited here we go it's not believed

stop trying to invent a loop. Paul, rein it in. Actually, Paul, this is actually Eli saying to you during this recording. Oh, I'm Gary Chummy. Oh, I like Chummy. I'll do a bit of comedy for you. I'll speak to ladies. Gary Chummy.

Rein it in. Gary Chummy is going to read out the nominees. A new character, Gary Chummy. Oh, it's delighted to be here tonight. I'm Gary Chummy. going to read out the nominees. A new character, Gary Chummy. Oh, it's delighted to be here tonight. I'm Gary Chummy. Oh, pardon. Right, here we go. You just nicked that.

Shut up. Oh, beg your pardon. No, you can't say beg your pardon. It doesn't change the essential plagiarism. Booking your pin. Booking your pin. What? Booking your pin.

Is that? Booking your pin. Paul, have you had some funny stuff today? I'm having lots of... Oh, I'm Gary Chummy. Oh, let's read that. It's comedy. Paul, let's have the nominees.

Oh, Gary, please. All right, here we go. Oh, I'm Jimmy... No, I'm not. Gary, sit down. Yes, sit the fuck down. Gary Chummy. All right, here we go. Paul, make Gary go. Gary sit down yeah sit the fuck down

Gary Paul make Gary go go bye he's gone he's in me head

though now he's gone for now Paul you need to rein it in mate but there's a new

Paul I'm trying to talk to you on a level actual level new hotel room has been booked in the brain. As your friend and partner on Cheap Show,

should we have a break from the recording? Let's have a... No, I really mean this. Here we go. Now, I'm Paul Daniels. Here we go. Read out the nominations, you prick. Jimmy Biscuits.

Yay. I'd just like to say thank you prick. Jimmy Biscuits. Yay. I'd just like to say thank you for nominating me for the awards tonight. It means a lot to me. I'm an invested character. I'm a much-loved character, and I'm glad that I've been nominated. Okay, yes. Thank you. Thank you.

The next nominee is Paul's Eli impression. So let's see. I'm out of shit. It's not even fucking good, is it? It's not like me alright thank you mister sit down

the next one oh Richard Brandoff is here rough rough rough expecting to win and great also women right good Rough, rough, rough. Yes. Expecting to win. Also women.

Right, good. Hate them. Absolutely hate them. Our final nomination. Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough. Roughity, rough, rough, rough, rough. Right, next is Teen Yeti. Oh, hey.

Yeah, Teen Yeti. Don't know. Keep on going as normal. I don't like to make a fuss. You'll get all the fans coming out. So ladies and gentlemen. They want to fucking lick my fur. They want to do everything to me.

I said, listen, I'm Tune Out to you. I like the way you get into character. And you've been staggering around the room. Like, I don't know, like Mick Jagger. I'm Tune Out to you. Yeah, well, yeah. It's all right when we're out. We're a two year old.

I've moved past the pop phase. Adolescent Sasquatch. Listen. I told you. I'm Tune Out to you. I'm Tune Out to you. I'm Tune Out to you. I'm Tune Out to you. I've too yet. Yeah well, yeah. It's all working well. We're two year over. I've moved past the pop phase. Adolescent Sasquatch. Listen!

I told you. Adolescent Sasquatch. You can come. You can be my bum man. You can be my bum yeti. And you can rearrange the wagon that says they drag along. But don't. This is my water ring, alright?

Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Teen Yeti. Jimmy Biscuits. Paul's impression of Eli. Richard Brandoff. Teen Yeti but only one. I'm not going to say anything.

I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm? Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Team Yeti. Jimmy Biscuits, Paul's impression of Eli, Richard Brandoff, Team Yeti, but only one can win. Who is the most beloved character on Cheap Show?

The winner is Richard Brandoff. Yay! And now for two minutes of Eli being this character while Paul shakes his head off mic. Thank you. Hello.

Yes, I'm Richard Brandoff. And I'd just like to say it's about bloody time. I got, you know, a bit of... Listen, I financed this show from the start. Brandoff, Ruff Ruff, that's it. I'm off. I've got a bunch of Prostitutes In a limousine

I'm going to Flack them about And not pay them Great stuff Great stuff Great stuff Great material Beat them up

Lovely You going to go now Richard Brand off Listen and also Got it all sorted mate I've got it all sorted Brand off incorporated Will be

Running Can I just say On behalf of Cheap Show I'm very disappointed In our listeners I've got it all sorted Brandoff Incorporated will be running can I just say on behalf of Cheap Show I'm very disappointed in our listeners for voting for that character over Jimmy Biscuits it came third

I'm Richard Brandoff and I'm actually quite depressed so far by the outcome of some of these awards thank you very much Ruff Ruff

Brandoff Ruff Ruff and look out for a new section coming up Eli might have mentioned it of some of these awards. Thank you very much. So good. A roff-roff. Brand off. A roff-roff. And look out for a new section coming up. Eli might have mentioned it before. He's my man on the inside. Broff-off. Brand off.

Broff-off. Where I will be supplying soups. Great. Brand off incorporated. Done. Can you stop everything? Just stop everything you're doing. I actually would like to have a drink.

It's not usually allowed around my house my wife terrible bitch that she is uh 57th wife i have had but she uh she keeps that paul are you going somewhere where you going i'm off to uh put my head in a bowl of shit. If you go in the green room, could you grab that squishy Jim? He said he seems like a man who's capable and I can have him round working for me because I do like to shit.

I shit women. Richard Branagh. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Thank you very much I win thank you great stuff right great stuff right great stuff

well I think Richard Brandoff was a deserving winner no and I think this is like for me when Titanic won all those awards

at the Oscars and I was like why it was a very good film it's not I think it's Richard. Richard Brandoff's second favourite film.

Is it? What's his first? I bet it's something like Straw Dogs. Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman? Because what? He buys a prostitute.

I like, it's good, good film. Right, great. So, let's just crack on with the next category. Thanks Richard.

Thanks Richard. You're going to hang around? You're going to hang around Richard After the show I'm leaving the show forever What a shocking turn of events No he's not that was Paul doing Do you want to

Shut up You know what will soonly come Soonly come Right Now this award category, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. All right, good.

Just checking. And what? You're going to just hang over my every word, waiting for the slightest misstep? Yeah. Fucking good luck on that. Listen, my character won. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm depressed.

Crack on. What's his next category? Character you most want to make a reappearance oh 19 nominations in total on this category now Paul

do you think Brandoff's going to sweep the board here if it does I'm going to put a hot pin up my metres because he might have been one of the characters

that's reappeared the most so far anyway no Jimmy Biscuits obviously has a bigger hit rate I think and are you hoping Jimmy Biscuits

will get his comeuppance so to speak and win this one? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Are you hoping one of your characters wins this, Paul? I just feel I could do with a boost. All right. Now, let's see if you're on the nomination list.

Because, you know, it could be Titanic as this year's Prosecco. Yes. Or Prosecco as this year's Titanic. Okay, now. Which is what I meant to fucking say. Paul, you're really doing badly today. Yeah. Now, do you want to hear the nominees for the character

that the Cheapskates most want to make a reappearance? We've got Jimmy Biscuits there. Here we go. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Thanks, Jimmy. I can't believe two nominations in one night. It's just a testament to my hard work and my love for the show. I'm always here for you guys.

Don't you worry. I love you. You're great. Thanks, Jimmy. I'd like to win this one. I'm always here for you guys. Don't you worry. I love you. You're great. You're fantastic. I'd like to win this one. It would be good for me. My girlfriend's just left me and my job's possibly going down the shit.

Okay, Jimmy. So I can do with this. I need this. Okay, Jimmy. Thank you. The next nomination of a character that doesn't have a voice. Really?

It's Keith, ladies and gentlemen. Keith's second nomination. Should we invent a voice for Keith now? No, no, no. Keith ladies and gentlemen. Oh! Keith. Keith's second nomination. Shall we invent a voice for Keith now? No, no, no. Keith has no voice. Oh. Keith speaks simply through...

You. ...the vibes that come out. So only you can interpret Keith? The witch hole, Paul. We've discussed this. Do you want to prance about and go, witch hole, like you always do? Go on. I'm really dirty.

Yeah, go on then. Here's your chance. It's the pseudo mouth. Here's your chance. It's the pseudo mouth. Pseudo mouth. Keith's pseudo mouth witch hole. Yeah. Of terror.

Yep. Which screams silently in my head at night. That's not Keith. I don't think that's Keith. I think it is. I think that's your nightmares. Next up. He's made this list again, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Richard Brandoff. Oh no. The next nominee is Richard Brandoff. No. But I think he's back. He's out in list again, ladies and gentlemen. It's Richard Brandoff. Oh no. The next nominee is Richard Brandoff. No! But I think he's back. He's out in the limo, is he? Prof, prof, prof! I've only got another award! Barbara, etc. Hate against women. Stop doing my characters. We've discussed this.

Well then maybe you should do your characters better. Well maybe my characters win the fucking best character in the show award. I'm not happy with that. Maybe my character wins the best character in the show award! Shut'm not happy with that. Maybe my character wins the best character in the show award. Shut up. You piss off the patrons of the pub. Richard Brandoff,

nominated for the character they most want to make and make a return. Does he win? Is that who the winner is? No. Oh. It's the nominee.

So, who's the winner? Jimmy Biscuits, Keith, Richard Brandoff, and the last nominee for the category, Tignetti.

Oh. I'm Tignetti. You're not Tignetti. I am. I'm on the category, Teen Yeti. Oh, wow. Oh. I'm Teen. You're not Teen Yeti! I am, I'm Underage Sasquatch. Shut up. Ooh. Adolescent Sasquatch is your name. Adolescent Sasquatch, ooh.

So you're embarrassing me. No, you're embarrassing me. You are not real. You brought, you're not real. Listen. By definition of this show, you're not real. Look, it doesn't say character that you most want in your age to return. Adolescent Sasquatch does it.

Discuss what he does. Shut up. I really mean it. You can't do backing vocals. I can really do backing vocals. You cannot do backing vocals on the next single. Thank you. Teen Yeti nominated there. And the winner, the character we most want to make a return, is... Jimmy Biscuits.

Oi! I think it's my big moment. Give me that award. Give me that award. I want the award. Give me the award. Give me the award. Give me the award.

Give me the award. Give me the award. Give me the award. Okay, I'm here. Just get out of the way. I'm going to get the award and give it to Mr. Jimmy Biscuits. Here you go Mr. Biscuits. Give me the award.

Mr. Biscuits, here you go. I got it. I rock hard downstairs. Let me just say that. I never thought I'd live to see the day when I got my very own baby. Hey you! You listen to Mr. Biscuits! Continue Mr. Biscuits.

Mate, don't do that in character to those guys over there. I don't think they're going to get the joke, so just keep it. I have a huge erection. Don't say that to them either. Fucking hell. Anyway, I got this award when I first came to be in this show. It was just as a character. I called Garowitz or something. I don't remember the character's name.

It was Kaplinsky. Kaplinsky. But that was just a pseudonym for my real name, Jimmy Biscuits. Biskowski was my Polish name, and I changed it to Biscuits to fit in in New York City. Hey, you! Yeah, stop talking when Jimmy Biscuits is speaking. This is his big moment.

And I'll talk to you afterwards in the hallway. We'll talk about dealing with the heartless problem I have in my pants real bad right now. I've had many years of tough living on the streets, but cheap shows make me feel like family. I just want to say thank you. Barbara, come back to me.

I love you. Barbara, why is every wife... I can't think of any... Every single female character is called Barbara. Joanna, why don't you come back? Give me hope, Joanna. Give me hope, Joanna, till the morning come at back? Give me hope, Joanna. Give me hope, Joanna, till the morning come at least. Give me hope, Joanna.

Hope before tomorrow come. Mr. Biscuits, I think you have said enough now, and I've got to go. We've got a little bit of business, know what I mean, to take care of. And I don't mean whacking me off. No, that's the other business that we do. That's the other business we have to deal with. That's not in the limo. No, that's in the pool.

Yeah. Yeah, where we do it in the spa. I need some water on the downstairs because the downstairs is on fire. They don't call me Jimmy Biscuits for nothing because when it comes to dunking, oh, I'm dunking for two. Thank you, Mr. Biscuits. Bye, everybody. That's good.

That's fine. I'm happy goodbye oh what a great turn of events come and join us at Crinkly Bottom at Cricket St. Thomas near Chard in Somerset

Britain's first TV theme park right well the fun doesn't stop at the Cheap Show Awards oh no baby oh no baby oh no baby we've got two fantastic guests stop at the Cheap Show Awards. Oh, no, baby. Oh, no, baby. Oh, no, baby.

We've got two fantastic guests coming out now to announce awards for us. Yeah. Yeah. They've been in the bathroom all this time, away from the riffraff over there. Well. Don't look at them. Don't look at them. Don't look at them.

So. No, honestly, don't look at them, Paul. I'm not looking at them. There's someone. I walked past them yeah just now yeah

and one of them went oi Merlin and the other one went how big is my dick oh mate how big did you say I didn't say anything

alright okay it was quite intimidating just walk past them I bet it's huge though look at it it's bulging out. Oh, that looks like a weapon.

A weapon of womb destruction. Don't look at the man's penis. Right. Anyway, let's just get our guests on. So let's get our first guest on. Did you just say a weapon of womb destruction? Stop. Moving on.

Moving on. If you're not going to get it then, don't bring it up now. It just played in my head. I'm sorry. Right. Okay. Let's get the next guest on. Let's get them.

Who? We're going to get our first guest on and that's the award the award first of all is for favorite quote in cheap show right so let's get mr biffo to announce that award now biffo you can come out the toilet come on come on out over here oh. Oh, he's angry. He doesn't know how to get me. He shouldn't have slammed that door like he did. That sounded like it broke it. Mr. Biff, stand here. Stand here. I've got a big deposit.

Vera's holding my deposit. Shut up! Biffo, it's all yours. Here's the award. Good evening. I've been asked to read out the nominees for a favourite quote from the Show Cheap Show. Quotes. Where would we be without quotes?

As the philosopher Hippocrates said, can someone get me a can of diet? Quote. And the nominees are cunt eli to paul i hate you and your fucking noodle posse paul episode 49 whoopsie gravy eli you cannot criticize a show for piss poor characters and then say i sniff my cum paul episode 51 and the winner is i hate you and your fucking noodle posse paul episode 49 can i go now fuck off i'm going ah ha ha i win that one with a quote that i think says a lot well paul you know it's you know it's only the favourite quote because it's in the theme.

It's in the what? No, it's not. It's because people fundamentally agree that you and your fucking noodle posse are evil. How come there's a whole

noodle category of the show? That's why democracy don't work, does it? A whole noodle category of award. Oh, there you go. It doesn't matter. They passed it off.

It's just like, ah, fucking give Eli something. Give him a noodle award to keep him happy. Well, you best believe that. Yeah, and I do

because I won with that. So I just want to say thank you for everyone who voted for that because it means a lot to me. It was a good quote. Thank you. It's iconic. It shows the little,

the little petty bourgeois character that you are. Yeah, I am. Anyway, right, let's... And this is something that the noodle posse wants to say. Yeah, I am. Anyway, and this is something that the noodle posse wants to say.

Yeah, Paul? Yeah. The noodle posse wants to say something. Well, what does the noodle posse, which IEU... I've got a letter. Yeah.

This was from the noodle posse to you. Yeah. And he's basically put his hands together to do the international sign for reading paper. Go on.

Paul. Now, this is from the Noodle Posse to you, Paul. Yeah. And it's a reaction to this award that you've just won for the favourite quotes. Someone's going to piss on my parade now. Great. No, it reads, no,

you fuck you. Thank you. And I read that out. There you go. That's what they want to say noodle posse forever so right let's get our next and final guest award the big star

of the cheap show awards this year is it yeah because he's busy making a film isn't he so he spent

he's taken time out from his busy schedule to come all this way and appear here in a dingy pub for two minutes to announce the award. The thing about that is, Paul, I think when Mr. Biffo slammed the door, it seems to be completely jammed.

You go test the door then while I just announce the door. Let's go see if it opens first and get Stuart, alright? Alright, hang on. So yeah, while he tests the door, the award we're going to do now is for best cheap show moment on Barshens. The show with Stuart and Barry Lewis on YouTube that cheap show ruined. So we're going to... Did you test that door? It won't budge, man. Hang on.

We can't... I've got to... All right, I'll tell you what. I'm going to put this microphone through that strangely cut hole in the toilet door. That hole is just the right size. Is it mouth height? Is it mouth height? Is it mouth height? Is it mouth height, is it? That's interesting. Well, it's probably a talk hole. Well, maybe. It's a talking

hole, Paul. It's just big enough. It's a talking hole! I know! I'm going to put this microphone that fits exactly in the hole. Fred, feed the mic into the talking hole. Hang on, I'm going to push the mic in the talking hole for Stuart to enjoy. All right, so let me just squeeze, oh God.

What's all this around the hole? Is it lube? Just be nice to Vera. What does the talking hole need? Just smile at Vera. Why has the talking hole got lube around the edge of it? It's a lubed hole. It's a very sticky thing.

Stuart, mate, are you there? Don't worry, don't worry. I'm gonna put the microphone through the talking hole and you just put your mouth up against the talking hole as we feed the microphone through, alright? Alright, here we go. Hello, I'm Stuart and I'm stuck in this shitty fucking pub bathroom because... Because it's all got to be about Paul, hasn't it? All about Paul, all the time. No, I might have other things to do, but no, I've got to read out whatever this bullshit is, because that's what Paul wants.

And speaking of which, this is apparently all about the time when Barshens was repeatedly taken over by Cheap Show. Because, you know, all Paul, all the fucking time. Anyway, so this is the favourite Cheap Show moment on Barshens. Right, the nominees are Eli Birthing Keith from Barshens Got Talent. Christ, I'll never unsee that. Eli as the King of Plasticine in the King of Plasticine videos. You know, I came up with that format.

What the fuck was I on? Eli's subscription box video. Can't really remember that. Don't know why that's in there. And Paul fucking up the counting on Price of Shite Volume 2. I certainly remember that. Mainly because we'd actually done that live before

and none of us noticed. Competence. And the winner is Paul fucking up the counting on the Price of Shite... 77 pence, you bastard! 77 pence! 77 pence! You're locking that in?

77 pence! 77 pence. For sure? But what was the price? The whole channel's riding on this. It could be ours. Oh shit, we should have said 4p. This all could be ours.

Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm doing the mental math in my head. Here we go. Are you going over the top or are you keeping the channel? Here we go. Ooh, baby. One, two, three. four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. You've done

this wrong. Eleven. How have I done this wrong? It's five and then how much margin of difference were they? Plus 18. Yeah, so... I've lost count now. 23. 23, 24, 25... See, you fucked it. No, I said it was 25. From the numbers you just gave.

You haven't done enough things on this. Yeah, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. Yeah, you completely fucked it. Honestly, Paul, it's basic numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. It's 22. It's 19, 25. I should 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. 22? It's maybe 25. I should have counted this when we did it. Give us that.

Wait. Fuck's sake. Wait. They're still wrong by 18 pence, and they would have gone over the top anyway. Look, look. 23. Just for record.

But, oh, oh, oh, oh, dad. That's all very good, but you didn't get the basic math property of the whole thing right. They've got 18 plus 5 is 23. So we win because it's under 25. Thank you very much. Basic math. You've ruined this for me. I haven't ruined it. You can't count numbers.

Nobody cares. Right, can I go home now? Anything else you want me to do, Paul? Want me to tattoo your name across my fucking head? Yeah? That'll make you happy? God. I bet the bloody tube stopped as well, isn't it? Thank you, Stuart.

Thanks, Stuart. Thanks, Stuart. Don't bang against the door. Stuart? Don't bang against the door. Don't break the door, Stuart. My deposit. I've never seen Stuart run that fast before.

He's like the Flash. Bye, Stuart. Bye, Stuart. Good luck with the film. Good luck with the film, Stuart. All right, Paul. Good luck with the film! He didn't want to hang out, did he?

Thank you very much. Congratulations for being involved. I mean, I've already said my piece on that moment earlier in the awards. Yes. And your official line is, you did... Count in. You did design it with the missing steps included. But on the day...

You forgot the design that you'd made. Yes. Did you? So it looked like I'd failed, but actually it was a cunning plan to make it fun. Make it funny. Well, that's what everyone wants to know. Was it totally set up? Did you actually mean to do that?

Now I'm asking you, Paul. I manufactured that moment. I'm honestly asking you honestly. Did you manufacture it? No. I can't remember. That's why it's magic. That's why it's magic.

So well done. My mum asked me if I had problems because of that video. Did she? She goes, why can't you count? Yes, but it's not like you can't actually do maths. You're not like... No, I just have a lot of trouble doing it. It's holding onto the image of the number,

I think you have a problem with, of what the number actually is. But well done. You won the award. Thank you. All right. Now, what have we got coming up on the awards show, Paul? Well, it's that time of the show

where we are going to take a small interval now, but we're going to replace it. While you watch, well, while we watch, I guess. We're going to watch the acts we've booked for the night as the interval, mid-show. Oh, I'm looking forward to this, Paul. Mid-show. I'll get the sandwiches. Yeah. Kira's got the sandwiches.

The limp sandwiches. Yes. What is the filling? Is it like a paste? There's lettuce. Yeah, I can see that. And there's a paste. What kind of paste sniff it? I think it's fish paste. I can't eat fish there's a paste what kind of paste sniffing

I think it's fish paste I can't eat fish yeah well I'm going to have some you're going to just eat limp fish paste butties I'm going to go and stuff my face on Vera's fishy buns

right well while you eat that fish yeah well done I thought I'd let that go mackerel well you eat those fishy mackerel butties yeah and we'll welcome on ladies and gentlemen I'm going to be tongue deep in Vera's mackerel well you eat those fishy mackerel butties yeah and welcome on ladies and gentlemen i'm gonna be tongue deep in vera's mackerel all right no you know we got it we got it the first

time all right let me introduce our i'm going around back out the back you're going around there to sniff the fish right so entertaining us in the awards mid-show section now. She performed with Roy J whilst he was on tour, but she's here tonight still doing the exact same act with magic and striptease. It's Sticky Vicky, everyone. Woo! Woo! Oh, no, don't, don't, oh no, don't, don't, don't take it, I can't take it.

Get off, get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off.

Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off.

Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off.

Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off? No, I don't.

Actually, really making me gag. We were acting before, but now it's gone into real. Stop making it. Because I've got earphones on. And I can hear exactly. Stop it. I've got to take these earphones out. How?

How? How? Right. Ladies and gentlemen Sticky Vicky We apologise for that Oh god those guys at the table Are really fucked off They liked it

No I know But they fucked off We got her to go Well we had to She's gone off with one of them Round the back though Yeah She's gone into the lads

Oh Sticky Vicky Well there she was Well to be fair She was very sticky Well we got the interval We've got one more act Or we can get a drink

So We've searched high and low Around this country For comedy acts To amuse you tonight In our awards ceremony And we think we've found the guy Now he was big in the 70s

He had a fall from grace in the 80s But he's here tonight To entertain you He's on the comeback trail So please ladies and gentlemen Welcome the comedy stylings but he's here tonight to entertain you. He's on the comeback trail, so please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome the comedy stylings of everyone's favourite northern comedian, Mr. Bobby Bollocks. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Bobby's back. I'm here. Right, okay, just warming up the room. Oh, it's fucking... Oh, fuck me. I think I've... Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've actually shat myself. Sorry, but...

I'm Bobby Bollocks. Hello. I just got out of jail. Boo. Hello. So, ladies and gentlemen, walking down the road the other day, it's a residential district.

I'm like, I wonder if there's any schools around here. So, there is one, right? Walking past it very slowly, very, very slowly. I'm like, ooh, ooh, call of nature, call of nature. You know, ladies and gentlemen, I needed this shit real bad! And I fucking opened the gate, creeping around in the playground. It's very... there's a smell in there. It's the smell of child.

The smell of child! You know what, get child. Get off. Get off the stage. Bobby Buggs. Vera, I've shat the bed. Get off. No, I'll do me catchphrase. No, I'll do me catchphrase.

Aye, Vera. Get off. Get out. Get a hoover. I've shat the bed. Get out. Put it on the miter. Get him out of here.

Get him out. Vera. You him out. Vera! You booked him. Well, Paul, you know, I think we need to give people a second chance in this world. Not him. Never again. Not him.

Look, he did it for free. I just had to give him a sandwich, and, you know, we got those for free, so... Things about sandwiches. Top currency. Well, that's it, then. Christ. christ spirit did the sandwiches what do you want they're all fish i checked right we're nearly at the end of these fucking awards shall we just crack on yeah should we just crack on let's crack on hey jr how's great britain great except they got no bubblegum bubblegum there oh bubble you know that that's unreal i told him bubblegum's america's number one bubblegum because it's soft and juicy and the flavor lasts this long right so anyways i told him i'd send him a few packs hey uh jr you uh try to make a lot of friends over

there lifesavers bubble yum now Now Spearmint Flavour too. Ha! Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know about you, but I'm having a great time this evening. We're coming up to the climax. The spoffing, throbbing climax. Yes, the awards are getting bigger. They're getting bigger and bigger.

Yeah, they're coming towards the big one at the end of the night, which will be best episode. Best episode. And you've got that to look forward to so let's with no further ado I'm going to just present

another award let's go straight into it go for it okay now this award is the favourite game played now now Paul

how does this differ from favourite segment of the show it's not so how are the parameters set for this it doesn't say it's another award

okay okay it's another award favorite game the games we play games paul yeah like it's all fun and games it's all fun and games someone loses the night loses the night but as my mom would say it's all fun and games what games would lose an eye though what's it it's like oh it's all fun and games till someone loses an eye like play fights i mean it's obvious like darts yeah lose darts that is well quite literally all fun and games

until someone loses an eye yeah what else could you lose an eye playing football no anything

naughty nosy I'm sorry to bring this up naughty nosy neighbour you could fucking I could alright me and you I'll show you how

you could lose an eye playing what naughty nosy neighbour alright so is that a board game? No, it's a game where you go to someone's front door. Okay. And you look through the post flap.

Yeah. And you go, naughty neighbour. And then what? You run off. Isn't it obvious to you how you could lose an eye? No. Shall I do it? You live in the house.

Oh, here I am in this house. All right, and I'm going to walk up to the door. I'm going to knock on the door. Here we go. Oh, what shall I do today? I think I'll get this long, pokey stick out. Oh, someone's looking through the fucking letterbox in my thing. Hang on. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Fucking letterbox! I can't see! And also I'm muting Tony Ross! Ah! Ah! Tony the Ross Stabbing You! Ah! Well, that was nice. I can't see! And also I'm going to stab your arse! Aargh! I'm going to stab you!

Well that was nice. Lucky a child came to my house so I could fucking maim him. Are you happy now, Paul? Yeah, you've proved your point. You happy with this bit? You've proved your point. This bit has not been good. This bit has not been good.

But you have proved your point quite well. Because Luz and I are doing almost anything. Let's just... The underlying point that we need to make, Paul, is eyes are quite a vulnerable part of the human anatomy. Yeah, they are. Okay? Yeah, you're right.

And I think that's why it works as a saying. All right. Doesn't it? Yeah. It's all fun and games until someone has an eye out. It's all fun and games until you have a stroke. Someone has a cut. It's all fun and games until you break a leg.

Yeah. It's all fun and games until you shit your pants. I don't think... Well, that's a good one. It's all fun and games until you break a leg. Yeah. It's all fun and games until you shit your pants. I don't think, well, that's a good one. Now, are you ready for this award?

Yeah, go for it. Games. Not segment, game. Games. The game is more specifically a play. A play between me and a play between

me and you, Paul. Yeah, got it. Give a little, take a little, go round the houses a little. Come round here. Go round here. Go round here. Come round here, go round here.

Go round here, round here. Come round here. Go round here. I'm just going to let it out. Go on. Come on. Go round here, come round here, go round here. Do the nominations.

Come round here, go round here. Are you all right now? Warning me about having a little mental breakdown. Are you alright? I'm not. That's the thing, man. You're not helping. You're not helping.

Don't want to help. I'm going to have a breakdown if you keep doing this. Right. Come round. Breakdown round here. Breakdown round here. Right. Breakdown round here.

This is the favourite game award. And the nominees are... Breakdown round here. Kabu Challenge game award and the nominees are breakdown round here carbo challenge yeah oh that could be our second thing to win

maybe two cheapos maybe don't get mad second time it's been nominated it has another popular segment

one we don't often do and we have minge muncher oh now is that a game or is that a radio play it's interesting well I don't agree.

This is why I find massive flaws with this category. This whole category sucks. But anyway, and also you've got Off Brand Brand Off. Also, is that a segment

or a game? It's a game. It's a segment. That is a game. Do you want to know the winner? Yeah. You might be the winner here. That's the thing.

Don't get mad. No, you're not. It's me. Oh, fuck off. There you go. Don't that's the thing go on don't get mad no you're not it's me there you go don't get mad i mean think don't don't get mad needed a representation it's been one of the fans favorites hasn't it thank you here's the award accepting this award is eli silverman thank you so much and um uh all of my anger issues are behind me i never you know do any of that in real life. But it's just, you know. I mean, it's called Don't Get Mad,

but maybe we should rename it and call it How Long Until Eli Says I'm Gonna Shit On This. But then the magic's gone, Paul, isn't it? You know? Let's have another game of How Long Does It Take For Eli To Shit On Something? And go. Paul.

Shit! shit on something and go ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah shit why ruining this moment of of tenderness because it

means your moment of tenderness means nothing to me okay let's have I've won that another award

let's have the next award yeah you happy you proud proud yeah I'm proud are we looking forward

to seeing any more moments in the future don't get mad maybe I don't know. Ask the creator of Cheap Show. No. You're never doing that again.

I'm never doing it again. Fair enough. Never. Well, you heard it here. And you heard it there. You heard it around here. Stop. You started it.

I'll teach you. Right. Well, now we're on to one of our first, I would say, bigger categories now. I'm bored. This is going to be quite contentious. I've got a tingle. You've got a tingle in your dingle. I've got a tingle-lingle.

You've got a tingle-lingle in your dingle. In my little dingle. Here we go. I've got a dingle with a tingle-lingle and it's all renal. It's funny, ladies and gentlemen, a couple of minutes ago we were sitting next door having a cup of tea and a cigarette. And Eli goes, yeah, I was really worried about you because it felt like you were really losing your shit. And I was like, yeah, maybe I need to calm down. So we've come back refreshed

and Eli's fucking burst his brain. The tingle, he wouldn't let the tingle-ingle do it. Look at you. Look at your face. I've never seen a face so happy to be in pain. Tingle-ingle. Right. This category lingle. Right. This category is favourite guest appearance.

So we are obviously me and Eli, but we've had many guests on the show over the years from people like Eggsy to... other comedians who've been on the show. Brian Wecht from Ninja Sex Party and Starbomb. He's been on the show. Have you had any girls? Beck Hill. Ah!

Abigailia Shimon. Sarah. Octavius. Octavius. I call her Sarah when she's on Cheap Shots. What have you decided? Fine. She's not wearing the ears.

I don't get to call her Octavius. That, I think, should be the law. And then she's getting rid of her ears. So I'm never going to call her that again. But she's still called Octavius. I call her Sarah. That's her God-given name and I shall call her it. Right.

Right. Patriarchy. I think fucking Richard Brando is still hanging around in this limo. Maybe you want to join him out there. No. And form some kind of quasi-intellectual anti-feminist movement, Paul. I want more women on the show. For what reason, though, Paul?

For voice. For sexy time reasons? No, for fucking variety of voice and opinion. Because you like to wank off to the ladies' voices when you're editing. This conversation's over. No more questions. Anyway, there can only

be four nominees apparently for this round so here are the four favourite guest appearances as voted by the Cheap Show Massive. But who are the four favorite guest appearances as voted by the cheap show massive, but who are the lucky nominees? Stuart Ashen Ashen's Richard Brandoff does not fucking count So I get him no no he's driven driving around the block. He's getting I don't want to be mad. I don't want it up Oh, all right. I want to interrupt there Because he's got that guy with him, Freddie Goon.

You know his guy? Maybe, because he's... And he's hard down there right now. Oh, no, he's not. Freddie... I've got it wrong, Paul. What? The law's totally wrong.

Freddie Goon is... Works for Mr. Biscuits, doesn't he? When does it ever fucking matter? Sorry, Freddie Goon's got nothing to do with... Brando. But he has a whole squad of helpers, Brando. They're silent they're like ninjas

right okay Brandoff ninjas yeah they move silently Brandoff assassins sometimes you just hear one thing before you die and that is

ruff ruff ruff favourite guest appearances so Stuart Ashen Richard Brandoff Ash Frith hey and Paul Rose also known as Mr. Biffo.

It's a fucking circle jerk here, isn't it? Let's have a look at the winner. And the winner is... Mr. Biffo. Hang on. What? No, it's not. You know it's Mr. Biffo, Paul Rose.

Let me see the piece of paper. No, no, no, it's all right. It's fine. Why are you lying about who won that award? It's all right. You don't need to see it, it's fine. The winner was definitely Mr Biffon. You don't need to see it.

Give that to me. No, it's fine, I'm eating it. Why? Because it's true and it's real. It's not true. So if anyone wants to know... I think someone else won that award, everybody. No.

I think Paul's being very funny. No. It was definitely Biffo. Okay. Not Ash. Good. I know it's not Ash. Fine.

It definitely wasn't Brandoff. I'll tell you this. He was at the very bottom. Oh, really? I'm looking at the results now, Paul. Let's see if that's really the truth. No. Don't get off.

I've got the results. Winner. Let's see if that's really the truth. No, don't get off. I've got the results. Winner, Ash Fritz. It's over. Second place. Lotus Records present George Hamilton IV. Halloween, Halloween Prettiest town I've ever seen In the early morning rain My friends, you're listening to a few tracks from my brand new album, Reflections.

I'm kind of proud of it. I sure hope you'll like it. George Hamilton IV, his 20 finest songs, Reflections, from Lotus. The awards are ramping up now. We're getting to the end of the night. Our time is nearly up because I can see Vera tapping her watch at me right now. Yeah, I mean, seriously. She is quite good looking for an elderly lady.

I know, but there's only so much goodwill you can garner by giving someone a great big eating out. A great big vaginal eating out. So if you go and give her another good gobbling now, can we get another ten minutes? Yeah, I don't want to have to do Yeah I don't want to have to do that Okay so Hang on let me just

Blah blah blah blah blah blah Ten more minutes And he'll blah blah blah blah blah She says yeah That's fine We've got ten more minutes Okay let's get on with it though The darts players though

They're fucking not looking happy They want him Alright let's just wrap it up So anyway We're going to go on to The awards are getting big So here are the big awards We're on to

Do you know what Paul It's not the only thing that's getting big. Yeah. Yeah, cock. Yeah. Funniest Eli... Oh, favourite Eli moment. Oh, the favourite Eli moment.

Eli Silverman is an important part of Cheap Show. Without him, there would be no show. Some would argue. Without him, this would be pointless for me doing it on my own. And no one likes me. So why... It's basically Eli's show. It sounds like it.

But he's not a funny man, ideally, Eli. Really, he's not a funny man. Can we just do the one? And my point I'm trying to make here is that, considering he's got nominations, he's got four. I didn't know he'd even done four funny things on this show ever. So let's discover together, shall we? Okay, Mr. Neggy Outie.

Stop negging. That's not what negging means. Well, stop negging me because you want to bum me later. I don't know if that... You are, aren't you? So you make... You're being all like

you're not really funny. So I go, oh, I'm so funny. I'm not... But maybe if you fucked me hard, I'd be funny. No. Maybe if you...

I know for a fact if I did fuck you, it wouldn't make you funnier. It wouldn't make if I did fuck you, it wouldn't make you funnier. It wouldn't make me funnier? No. It wouldn't make you funnier, despite the fault of me doing it. Why? Because what would it... Oh, look, I've come in him and now he's the wittiest man since Oscar

Wilde. Well, you never know until you try, Paul. Winky, winky. No, no, winky, winky. Shut up. Come on, what are the nominations? Favourite Eli moment. Here are the nominations. Describing his manhood as a small thing on top of a much larger thing. It's a classic trope.

It's a trope. It's there. Like a grain of rice, a topper. It's always a grain of rice. Come on. I was going with a classic. All right, okay. It's like a mouse's tooth on a duck's bottom.

No, bad. Oh, I'm sorry. You give me one then. No, that wasn't classic. Paul, just think of something. I'll just kick it off, yeah? All right. A chestnut.

Okay. Something on top of a chestnut. Okay, so Eli Silverman's penis is like a spider's leg atop a chestnut. Thank you. Here we go. Anyway, nominee number two. Describing the people walking past the pod. Oh, God, there's a guy with a bin.

He looks like a German techno head, pill freak. They're pointing at the pod. Overwhelmingly white. Oh, there's some Asians. That's the quote in general. When was that? That was when we were in the pod in White City for those two episodes. Oh, in the pod, yeah, yeah.

Before they said, you swear too much, get out. All right, well, there's a couple of episodes there. Freedom of speech there in action. The next favourite moment is when you said, ooh, tiny man. Oh, here it is. That was a real thing that happened to me. Tales from the Dance Floor, I believe. And finally, Tales from the Dance Floor.

Just the segment in general. The segment in general. And it also, Tales from the Dance Floor, of course, is what led to Tales from the Shop Floor. Indeed.

It wouldn't be called Tales from the Shop Floor if there was no Tales from the Dance Floor. I don't know, off the top of my head, I'd call it something different, like Shop Floor Fable.

But that was never going to happen. You could change the name of that segment. Only in another dimension. You're the creator of Cheap Show. Only in another universe would that work. Shall I just sort of... I'm locked in.

Look, I'll just sum up every single... Eli moment. No. No. All right. Tales from the dance floor. All right, here we go. A lady comes up to me, asks for a pop record that I don't have,

and I'm quite rude to her. There we go, in a nutshell. In a nutshell. But here is the winner. The favourite Eli moment is describing his manhood as a small thing on top of a much larger thing. And accepting the award for Eli is Eli Silverman.

Hey, thank you very much. This really means a lot to me. I struggled with the dimensions and ratios of my penis to the balls and I've found this outlet for describing it in a myriad of ways. And I just want to say thanks, guys. You know, thank you. And the nubbin.

The nubbin thanks you. Without which you wouldn't be here today. The pig knuckle on a deflated balloon thanks you. It's really rewarding to think that because you have a small penis, you won an award. Mate, not a lot of people can say that, Paul. Not a lot of people can say that.

Not small, adequate. Okay, let's get this right. Adequate. Just in the state of de-chemescence can suggest at certain angles A rabbit's nose. A small thing. On top of a big thing. On top of rabbit's nose. A small thing. A top of a big thing.

A top of a big thing. Yeah, okay. It's a grower, not a shower, ladies and gentlemen. That's what we're learning tonight. Anyway, we're going to go straight to the next nomination, which, as you imagine, is my funniest moment. Okay, now, here I am, Paul. This is your...

Hello, Eli. Hello there. Hello. All right, so, this is your time to shine, Paul. Yep. Got any predictions for what the nominations might be? I mean, I'm going to presume that it involves me being sick. It probably doesn't involve me being funny.

It just probably involves me being sick. Having a completely uncontrollable physical reaction that everyone likes. Something that I can't help. More than when you try and do something. Yeah. Yep. Good. So, they just like you suffering.

You're suffering. Okay. It's all I do. Favourite Paul moment, ladies and gentlemen. And here are the nominees. Here we go. Gagging in reaction to various fruits. There you go.

His impression of Eli. Oh. His reaction to Keith. Yeah. That was good. That was a total spine chiller. And Noel Edmonds' defamation. Yeah, that was good. That was a total spine chiller. And Noel Edmonds' defamation. Yeah, well, I stand by all the bad things I've said,

unless it goes to court, in which case I would attract it really quickly. Okay, well, there's a lot of stuff online with you saying how he's a murderer. Nonsense stuff, yes. So, well, you're going to have a problem there. Bit of a problem. Bit of a problem, Paul.

Bit of a problem. He's never going to fucking listen to you, Sean. And the winner of favourite Paul moment is his impression of Eli I want to

go to the world I want to fuck my life and I will tell her I will tell her and I will tell her

I will tell her I will tell her I will Paul Paul and here to accept his award for best pole moment it's Paul

oh thank you thank you very much I put a lot of time and effort into it's funny how your best moment involves me in some way deeply intimate way

though isn't it Paul just saying I like it when you gag more personally but I would wouldn't I yeah

thanks for again take the wind out of my sails for that win take the wind out of your sails for that win

maybe this award has made me think that we're done here with this show we're done well we know

best moment ever. I'm just looking around and I'm looking at where we are. We've got to get on with it. Paul, we need to finish this. And I just think, is this what we've come to? Is this the best of what we've got as Cheap Show? Is this all we are? I think we're done here, mate.

We've got to finish this off. I've just come... Why did you say that then, Pointe de Vera? Because she's... She's... Paul, you know, the goodwill's running out. Come on. Well, hey!

We're going to fucking finish you right here! And, Paul, they need to... They are... Yeah. Well, hey! Hey! Yeah. Hey!

We'll be done in a sec. Yeah, yeah. We'll be done in a sec, mate. We're going to finish you right here! No, no, no, no, no. We'll be done in a sec. Thank you. Mate, let's speed this up, speed this up. I will fucking kill you! Oh shit, sit down.

You fucking! Sorry, we'll be done in a bit mate. You want some of this? You want some of this fucking shit? No, mate. You fucking! Eli, we gotta, we gotta, we gotta... Come on, come on then, come on. We gotta do the show.

Check. Oh, dear. Time for a little gamesmanship with new high karate gamesmen. Your move. New gamesmen from high karate for the man who plays to win. Mate, mate, mate, we've got one more award, one more award, so let's speed this up.

Ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. This is a big award. Yeah, it is. The Cheapos, I think, just want to thank everyone, the crew, the cast. Thank you. Vera. Vera.

Lovely sandwiches. Lovely sandwiches. Both metaphorical and real. Yeah. Now, this is the penultimate award of the whole show, Paul. It's very exciting. And it is. The funniest moment.

This is like Best Director before they get the best movie in the Oscars. Yes. This is the equivalent of Best Director. The funniest moment on all three years of Cheap Show. Now Eli I don't know about you but

how could you possibly pick a funny moment from our podcast? There's so many. There seems to be about 0.5 of one every three episodes or something like

that. There's over a hundred episodes. I've looked at the nominations. I'm having a little look. There are some strong contenders a little look there are some

strong contenders so do you want to hear the nominees for the funniest moment on Cheap Show Paul tonight here on the Cheap Post

do you want to hear it tonight I am tumescent with joy and the nominees are as follows the nominees yes the

nominees that's the way I say should yeah so sugar sugar shut up sugar sugar shut up yes told knees. That's the way I say should. So sugar, sugar, shut up. Sugar, sugar, shut up. Yes.

Now, here's the first nominee. Mother supports it. Mother feeds me titty. Daddy feeds me dick titty. Mother, I wish to have dick titty. That was a good moment. Daddy gives me dick titty. The second nominee, I've shat myself. Yay.

Eli. When from what? Don't get mad, I'd imagine. Don't get mad, probably. I've shat myself. Yeah. What a great contribution to comedy that is. And making its second appearance tonight.

Also a two-time nominee. It is Tales from the Dance Floor when the woman called Eli a tiny man. A tiny man. Tiny man, she said. Tiny man. And then. And this is my personal favourite. Sorry, I'm showing a bias here, but I really want this one to win.

The gifting of Keith. I don't know about that. That would be most horrifying, traumatising and upsetting moment in Cheap Show. Unnecessary and it really upset me. I'm getting Keith. I've just realised I had a violent reaction to that I have Keith with me

in my rucksack back in the in the green room Paul and if he wins okay only if he wins what happened to Cheggers? Cheggers is there as well

Cheggers is coming as well your bedroom is like a serial killer's pad Cheggers is coming as well he's not yes he is he goes everywhere with Keith now. That's how he... You sound like a serial killer.

That's how he gets his magic powers. Yeah, again, a serial killer. He goes in the witch hole. Yeah, again, serial killer. Of the Keith mole. Yeah. The witch hole of the Keith mole. I hope they arrest you soon.

He goes in the backward hole of the Keith mole. Before any more lies are lost. The pseudo-mole. Keith pseudo-mole. You can finish talking now and just announce the winner Keith pseudo

Oh Okay Those are the nominees Are you ready for the funniest moment On Cheap Show Paul? I'm a bit let down By the choices chosen But yeah okay

Let's do it It's the gifting of Keith Right great It's the gifting of And here is Keith Keith And Shakers Here they are.

I've got them out of the block stack. Oh, God. He has them all. Here we are. Keith, you've won the best moment, mate. Now, Paul. Right, so you've got Keith. There's an update on...

Oh, mate. Something's happened to Cheggers that we need to talk about as well, Paul. So, do you want, one, the Huffington Report on Keith? I really don't want to smell that. Can't do it. No, I'll do it, Paul. You just have to watch me smelling Keith. I don't know if I can watch you.

You can. You can do this. I'm giving you the Huffington Report on Keith now. Okay. He hasn't been open in months. Me? This is Keith. Let the pseudo-moor speak. Let me get the Huffington on it.

Ooh, that's a rich, oh that is a rich Keithy Huff, man. Oh, that's like, it's like- You gotta stop talking about that, I'm gonna be sick. I do not wanna be sick at all wards. Because I'm desperately close to vomiting. Well, that's Keith, man. I can't do it. That's over now, yeah?

I've closed Keith. It was honky. Keith's gone back in his jar, yeah? Yeah, it is. Okay. We just have to get through Cheggers now, okay? I hate that they voted for this as the winner. Cheggers is...

Cheggers was known to pink... Is the Keith's child. And he was pink and hairy at the live shows, Paul. But he has shriveled. And what does he resemble now? Oh, he's like a little raisin with claws. It's like a little raisin with claws. It's like a little raisin with claws. It's horrible.

He's very small and very desiccated. Wow. You're going to have to get a photo of that and he seems to have a bum bum as well. So let's have the next. Shall I accept that award on their behalf?

The gifting of Keith. Here's the award I'm now giving the cheapo to Eli Thank you Keith Keith is an important

spiritual leader That is officially the closest I've come to being sick I was nearly sick all over the stage couch Paul

are we okay now? Yeah Are we okay? Yeah I'm trying not to think about it because Keith Keith wins

the gifting of Keith is the funniest moment ladies and gentlemen we have reached the time of the show for the big award I don't want to play dance you can't

mate just give us five more minutes please mate just give us five more minutes I want to play coins we've got five more minutes Eli had to give Vera Just give us five more minutes. I want to play Quartz! You've got five more minutes.

Eli had to give Vera... Cunnilingus. ...a sloppy joe. Between you going down on a lady and that fucking honk of that dead animal... Did you smell it? It was nasty. Did you smell it?

It got a... It was like a... I find, Paul, I find it matures like a fine wine. What, Vera? Paul, I find it matures like a fine wine. What, Vera? Paul, I've got this... You have a McDonald's fish fillet. How can you sniff that and then eat fish sandwich straight away? I can, man. I don't know.

It's a cold one. And you're doing it now. I'm back to the big award. And you thought it was appropriate to have a fish fillet-o-fish.

This is typical of Jeep Show. We celebrate by you eating a fillet-o-fish sandwich. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, we'd like to thank Rhiannon and

everyone who voted during the cheap show awards it was a big so much for voting we've had a lot of fun today thank you Rhiannon we've had great moments great moments in

podcasting history here tonight and Paul I actually really lost it when he said soon become I really lost it I know but you know we've all had many memories and who knows

maybe the memories you've made today will be award winners next year it would be weird. It'd be weird. But judging by the quality of this episode, probably not. So with that in mind, we go on to our final category tonight. Our final award nominee, the big one.

It's the big one. It is. Favourite episode. Now, as of this day, we've done 123 episodes. We've gone all over the shop. You know, we started out doing two a month, then three a month, and then it became weekly, and then it's become this whole thing. Live shows, and people, and fans, and artwork, and crossovers,

and portions, and digitiser, and you in that Polybius heist film. Because, uh... Because what? Because they gave you a bigger role. So all these memories can't all be great. Paul, you're getting negative now. Negative and now. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

we've had many memories and these are but four. These are the nominees for best episode? These are episode, best episode ever. Ever that we've done. Here are the very best episodes that Cheap Show has ever done. Apparently, according to the people who listen and make the show possible. So, let's see what these nominations are. Nominations are...

In one! Episode 36, the Car Boot Challenge Special, released 28th February 2017. Now, can I interject? Which one was that, Paul? The very first one. That was the first Car Boot Special? The very, very first one, where the man farted, and I got the DeLorean, and you bought shitty earphones where you don't know where they've been. Did I? Yeah, remember those little green horrible earphones you got?

Those were terrible. Worst thing. And then you just bought fucking hot sauce. Domino's Pizza hot sauce. I bought some really bad things. You bought some fucking awful. What do you want? You know.

Next nominee, episode 69 sexy times released 19th of February 2018 now obviously the joke there is that it's not actually episode 69 it's not it's called episode 69

but I think it's episode night it's episode 67 I think but because of our release schedule I just thought ah fuck it

does that mean there's missing there's no 67 and 8 no it just goes episode 67 and then and then

60 it's confusing I couldn't remember what I did but it makes sense have you missed a number out is what I'm asking no it's just I've swapped

the issue out so it goes it goes 65, 66, 69 67, 68 70 see what I mean? Yes.

See? Anyway, that was second nominee. Our third nominee for best episode ever. Ooh. Episode 76, Hit the Moog. Hit the Moog. Released 17th of May, 2018. That's the one with Ash in it.

Who? Is it the one with Ash where he goes, Hit the Moog? Or that was in the... Was he in that episode? He was. He said, Hit the moog, Paul. Stop trying to rewrite history, yeah?

Anyway, hit the moog. And then our final nominee is episode 100, the live one, released 2nd of November, 2018. I like that one a lot. Is that your favourite from the list, Paul? Yeah, actually, probably. I like hit the moog, I think. Yeah, I can't remember anything in that episode. Ash said hit the mo one a lot. Is that your favourite from the list, Paul? Yeah, actually, probably. I like Hit the Moog, I think. Yeah, I can't remember anything in that episode.

Ash said Hit the Moog a lot. But what else happened? We listened to Moog. And Ash said Hit the Moog. But what else did we do in that show? Some other bits, you know, segments. Was it funny? Moments, segments or games, you know.

Was it funny? I don't know. I don't know. They like it. Anyway, here's the winner. And now we're going to do it in reverse order in something a little bit different to drum up a little bit of drama. Here we go. In fourth place achieving 10%

10.12% of the votes is episode 36, the car boot challenge special. Oh, a sterling effort. Well done for all involved. In third place, with 10.98% of the vote, episode... Episode 76. And here we go. Second place with 11% of the vote.

Some wee has come out. Some wee has actually come out. The second place winner. If it has, I'm genuinely actually concerned. Only a very small drop. Right. The winning episode, the second place spot goes to

episode 100, the live one, meaning that the winner, the best episode, according to our cheapskate winners, nominees are episode 69, Sexy Times, with 26.30% of the vote. Here's the award. We need to be moving because the dance guy just had a little word. Okay, speak it up, Samira. Here we go. So, yes, thank you very much for this it was an episode that we did as basically a dare to get some fan fiction we regret making the episode

we regret doing the episode we will never do another sex episode again so I think we should make sure I know I know I know I know you actually need to go

just grab your bag here's your bag you can't go out the front Paul here we go ladies and gentlemen thank you very much for voting for all the awards

all the nominees. Your involvement in the show is fantastic. Eli, would you like to say something? Thanks so much for voting, and thank you to everyone. We've got to go, Paul. Get out of the fucking game! Paul, we have to go. Paul, listen.

Paul, I need to tell you. Two seconds, mate, all right? Get out of here! Paul, they're coming round this side. They're coming round to... You alright mate? Paul, get up! You alright mate?

Paul! You alright mate? Is this a comedy show? Paul, we need to... It'll be alright. I'm on mic. You need to go out through Vera's backpacks. Get away mate.

Here we are. It's on. Faster! It's on. It's on! Back up! It's on! Here we are on stage. So I fucked this girl at the arm the other day and I said, 13? 13? No.

And then I fucked her at the arm and I went, you can't get off me! Paul, Vera's Back Pantry. Pass the smell of fish. What? What do you mean? I just want to get past them. Come on. You don't get ready.

Can you just let us pass please? Excuse me. You don't look like me. Who are you? Right, that's it. What? Fuck you! Get the bag! Let's get out of here.

Your face is bleeding It was quite a successful night that Yeah It was alright Night bus Yeah night bus God You broke my nose Yeah you're bleeding all over the place

You broke my nose Paul I don't like cheap shows You broke my nose. Yeah, you're bleeding all over the place. You broke my nose. Paul. I don't like cheap show. God. Can you just not cry on the street? Paul. Can I come out with you tonight?

Jimmy, no. Just can I stay at your place? You can't. Can I just stay on the couch? Yeah, okay. I just don't want to go home tonight. It's fine. You don't have to go home tonight. Okay? Read me a story. Yeah. I can summarise it for you now. Yeah?

Jimmy Biscuits got killed and he was bad. It was very painful. Jimmy Biscuits got arse-r***ed to death. Wow, f***ing hell. F***ing hell! Here's me acting. Great. We'll have Cheap Show Day on that f***ing moment, shall we? Great.

Paul! No, f*** off. That's our ending. This is our ending awards episode with that line. No, it was a scene scene I was doing a scene Let's see if that gets Rewarded next year Shall we