CheapShow - Ep 125: The Human Lavatory

Episode Date: May 3, 2019

After a few extraordinary weeks, it's back to the usual, humdrum, regular old CheapShow format... No wacky characters (well...), no crazy sound effects (kinda...) and lots of bickering, fighting and laughing (the same old, same old). In this week's episode, Paul and Eli discuss the awards fallout, take a trip down memory lane discussing Frank Sidebottom, force down some Turnip Juice and lament the loss of the Human Toilet from London Streets. Nice. Simple. CheapShow. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-125-the-human-lavatory If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

I want a really quiet episode today. Are you okay, Paul? I'm just tired. Oh, you're not okay, are you? It's been a tough time in Cheap Show HQ. So I just want an episode with no wacky special effects, ideally no characters. I just want me and you time.

Pure Cheap Show. Do-do-do-do. Source report. Oh, all right, then. Right. show. Do-do-do-do. Source report. Oh, all right then. Right. Do-do. Do-do. Do-do.

Do-do. Do-do. Do-do. No source report. Great. Thank you. Thank you for that. There was no source report.

Then why bring it up again? Because it's... We go through this. It's not a report to say there's no report. There is. But no. What's the report? No report. No report. Thank you.

Welcome to Cheap Show, ladies and gentlemen. The economy comedy podcast for your ears. Incorporating source report. No, not incorporating source report. Especially if there's no source report. Ladies and gentlemen, this week, no source report. It will return.

Sorry. Yeah, is it going to return next week? And you'll go, do, do, do, do, do. Also no source this week. Well, Paul, if you fucking pull your finger out and, you know, get some sources, you're weak on source. I'm not bringing sources. It's not my forte sources. Is it?

No. On my CV, it doesn't say, you know, skills. Did you list your fortes on, how poncy would that be on a CV? My fortes include... My fortes include sauce. Jacking it? Well, no, that's not a forte. It's my forte. No, it's not.

Is that your forte? Are you good at it? Are you good at wanking? That's the question I'm asking you. Am I good at wanking myself? That's my sauce report. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Paul Gammon's source report. Eli, how good's your wanking? Out of 10?

It's almost always successful. I didn't ask if it's successful. Well, what's the point of wanking if it's not successful? No, yeah, anyone can thumb their half-flaccid cock. Oh, it's all thumbing now. It's all thumbing. And e-cap a droplet of fucking jizzum. I'm not thumbing.

I don't thumb it. I'm just saying. Eek out a droplet of jizzum. You can be functional at masturbating, but some people give it a bit of a spin. Listen, I've got a whole tranche of fortes. Yeah, yes. And what does that mean?

Explain what that means. I have a whole... You have nothing. Shut up while I do the intro. What have we got coming up on the show no we're doing the intro ladies and gentlemen welcome to cheap show i hate you and your noodle posse people love noodles all right it's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor.

Alright, how's the dick going? The price of the shite. how's the big guy the price of the site it's the Economy Comedy Podcast. You know it. I've got a new character. No, no new characters. This will need a sound effect.

You'll need to put me in a cave. I'm a witch in a cave. Witch in a cave, witch in a cave. Oh, it's Mike. You know what? You know what shall I do today? I'm a witch in a cave. What shall I do? Oh, do you know... You know what? You know what shall I do today? I'm watching the cave. What shall I do?

Oh, do you know what I've got? I've got a naturally occurring keyboard made from stalactites and those other ones, which all have a different tone. Paul, you put in the sound effects for this, okay? No. I'm playing Beethoven's Fifth on my stalactite keyboard. Right, so not only do you want me to make sound effects, but you want me to find specifically Beethoven's Fifth On my stalactite keyboard Right So not only do you want me

To make sound effects But you want me to find Specifically Beethoven's Fifth Performed on a stalactite Xylophone You better do that Do that

And get some sauces Get some oinkment I will eat oinkment Anyway What have we got coming off On the show Paul We're three minutes in Yes

And the barrel's being scraped. Fucking hell. Today on the show, actually, you know, I don't know. Come on. I've got a bag of stuff, but we're recording two episodes today, so I haven't really passed them out. Shall we shit in here? Do you know what my girlfriend's been doing recently?

Not shitting in there. Okay. But for Cheap Show. You know, I bought that big poo. That big, when Sarah came on, and I said, here's your prize. And it was like a weird kind of stress ball but shaped in a poo shape. It was an anthropomorphised poo stress thing.

My girlfriend thinks it's hilarious. To put it in the bed. To put it in the bed and hide it in different parts of the bed. So in the middle of the night, I feel the poo shape under my arm. She put it in the pillow once. Did you sometimes think, hang on, she's done something to spice it up. She's brought a boy back.

No, I don't think that. I'm just going to go along with it and pretend I'm asleep. Oh, no, I'm not going to do that. No. You butt-fuck yourself with it, don't you? No more questions. No more questions, Your Honour. Over the next two episodes, we're going to do A Price of Shite. We're going to do

Paul's Page Turners, where I talk about books I've bought at a charity shop. And what was the other one? And we've got Cheap Eats. I have some very special Cheap Eats. Over the next two episodes. Cheap drinks. Cheap salty drinks, it could be called. This sounds suspicious.

There's at least three salty drinks. I don't like the idea of this already. Well, what's happened, Paul, is I've come in something and I'm going to try and make you eat it. This is what I've come to. The truth comes out,

ladies and gentlemen. The truth comes out. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Oh, is pre-cum John going to come out first and give me a little sip of it and then walk away? Pre-cum John doesn't do that.

Doesn't he? No. Here he is. Yeah? To talk about it. Flying in on an aeroplane is he? No.

In case you want any more fucking sound effects in this episode. Well it's an aeroplane but it's powered by unicorns. Right great well

unicorns with harmonicas for mouths. I'm not doing any of this just so you know. There is unicorn imagine a unicorn with its horn is of this, just so you know. Imagine a unicorn with its horn as a kind of toot sweet. Imagine a unicorn

with its horn as a big cock. I don't think you'd be the first person to imagine that. Unicock. Yes. If you want to get a wish, you've got to rub the unicorn's horn until all the wish magic comes out the top. Which is rainbow.

Rainbow jizz out the knob horn. Yeah, and if you catch it in your mouth, you get three wishes. And the first wish is, I wish I hadn't done that. The second wish is, I wish I weren't born. And what's the third wish? You don't have one because by that time you're dead, aren't you? Yeah, but by going by that logic, the first wish, you wouldn't even get to the second wish. That's true.

Because you said, I wish I hadn't done that, and then your wish is granted. Yeah, and then I wouldn't want to end my life. And then you hadn't done it. Yeah. You'd be fine. I'd be like, my second wish is I wish I weren't born. Oh, no, no, no. There's no come back seat.

And then Thanos snaps his finger, and I turn into dust. Yes, a lot of people are very excited about the new Avengers movie. I don't give two shits. I read the plot on Wikipedia about half an hour after the film came out. I was like, that's enough for me. Really? 20 quid in my back pocket saved. You'll watch it though when it comes on the telly.

When it's on telly, I'll watch it. But the thing is that I don't like going to the cinema. I don't like the experience of going to the cinema anymore. Phones on, people talking, food everywhere, half an hour of adverts and trailers, and then a three-hour film. Did you see that article saying that four out of five photos that people take on their phones they never look at again?

That wouldn't surprise me. But it's like people take a photo of something as a replacement for actually experiencing it. Like I was at the art gallery the other day. Yeah. It's woman's...

Yeah. Okay, whatever. I was at the art gallery. I was at an art gallery. What art gallery? The Tate. Looking at? Dorothea Tanning.

Why was she tanning? Is she going on holiday? Hey-oh! Wacky-wo! It doesn't even work, that gag. What? It does. Why was she tanning is she going on holiday eeeoh wiki wo it doesn't even work that gag what it does why was she tanning

is she going on holiday yeah she's getting a pre-tan she's getting a pre-tan oh that's a bit complicated on a second level why would you get a tan

before you go on holiday so you look good when you get there so you can go topless yeah but that's what you're meant to get topless for to get a tan

a little bit of a pre-tan when you get there you're not so embarrassed to reveal your pasty white blueberry do you pre-tan i haven't been on holiday in like 12 years mate so it doesn't fucking matter yeah you're translucently pale yeah i am yeah it's very attractive i do tan quite well you're the color of tripe um no you look like Your face The colour of your face Looks like a strangled cock end

Like where you forced All the blood To the meaty helmet At the top Oh come on Keeps talking No We haven't done this

In a while either Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, and I want to do this one. I'm going to rub sand in you. Here we go. I'm rubbing sand. Here's my cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap eats song today. All right? Cheap, cheap, cheap. You don't know what you're doing, do you? I forgot.

What's your idea? Hang on. Hang on. I've got to get the beginning right. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, Cheep-eats! Coming into Cheep-eats station, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look, there's station master Eli Silverman on the platform. Ruff, ruff, ruff. No, he's not fucking Richard Brandoff.

Who said he was Richard Brandoff? Go on. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Fuck him. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Welcome to Cheap Eats Station, population two. Woo-hoo. Chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa-chuffa Ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived in Cheap Eat Station And if you'd like to make your way to the buffet car

You can have a range of snacks All our snacks produced by Uncle Gumbly Oh, I like the look of that What's that? A breakfast bar? Sausage roll? Gidster's breakfast bar style thing it's a chutney sandwich oh yeah what's the bread made of please it's very shit very special are we doing this we're doing this i can't believe i brought him up bread is special chutney the bread is

100 farmers grown uh sourdough bread it's the best quality grown grown with the best farmers grown with the best farmers they've grown the best flour dough for the sourdough and i that's good we've got a delicious uh cheese from uh lancashire that will be the make oh cheese lancashire cheese nice salty crumbly kind of a cheshire-style cheese. Right. And then there's some delicious plum tomatoes, grown lovely and juicy, and a few olives. And the chutney is shit. Right. I mean, you knew it was going to happen.

Let's disembark now. Yeah. Can I just say, I like the idea of Cheap Pete's train. I like the idea of it being a choo-choo train that we get onto. Cheep-Eats! Yeah, so do I. Here we go. And the conductor is played by Richard Branson.

So, Branson, legally the two characters are not similar. No. What have we got today? Now, Paul, would you like to start with stuff that might be a bit not to your palate? And then we can finish with some nice sweet stuff. Yeah, let's do that. Let's be nice to Uncle Paul. You can recover.

Now, you know I have a deep love for all things pickled cucumber. I know this. The audience knows this. I'm bored of this. And I think I've found the ultimate thing here. Just take a look at this. I can't. knows this I'm bored of this and I think I've found the ultimate thing here just have a take a look at this

I can't oh hang on I can't read it because it's Polish I'd imagine yes but it is judging by the artwork

a garlic and pickle drink yeah and what does it look like it's cloudy it looks like lemonade or even worse it looks like you know

when you get lemon squirt in a bottle and you can squirt lemon juice. It's cloudy like that, isn't it? It's cloudy. And look, you can see there's sort of suspended powder. It looks a bit like pond water. There's a silty. It's a bit spothy, isn't it? And this is by a company called Bio Foods.

Premium. Nice. Ogerkow, I think, is Gherkin. Okay, fair enough. So, and there's some garlic. So,

I'm hoping this is a lovely garlic pickle smoothie. And again, I'm just going to say this. Why is that? What? What is the point of a pickle and garlic drink?

It tastes delicious, probably. But, it's a savoury drink. It can't be thirst quenching. Did you ever have V8? Yeah, but I don't mind. It's vegetable juice, isn't it? Yeah, but that's refreshing.

Have a nice cold soup. Gazpacho, for example. It's like a... But what in context is that a drink? What do you have with it? I'll tell you what the context is. Health food. Bio food, premium.

So what has been discovered in recent years is the probiotic bacteria that people traditionally thought was really only available from things like yogurt, live yogurt. There's a huge amount of it in sauerkraut. Really? Pickle. Yes. And kimchi has this bacteria that's very good for the gut flora. Oh.

So this is obviously as a sort of health food and aid to digestion. Just so you know. So that's the point of it. Yeah, I know what you're getting at. What is the, why would people... Why would people go, oh, I want a nice refreshing drink of pickle.

I think we're just going to see more and more pickle flavoured stuff. Just get ready for it. Hello, I'm Uncle Grumbly and it's Uncle Grumbly's bio farm foods. Yes. Where I have a lot of gut fruit that is good in probiotic.

Why is Uncle Grumbly so big on Cheap Show right now? I like him. He's my new favourite character. Now, I've brought a glass for you. My drinks are very organic. And chunky. I've brought a glass for you. My drinks are very organic. Yeah. And chunky. I've brought a glass for you, Paul. All right, thank you.

So I'm going to pour some out for you. All right, give it a shake. Wake the bottle, shake the drink. I'm giving it a bit of a shake. It just doesn't seem... Well, shake the bottle, wake the drink. Yeah, shake the bottle, wake the drink. It doesn't appear to be carbonated, but...

Could it all... Oh, no. Don't sniff it and then give me that face. Do you want the Huffington Report on this? I want the Huffington Post. The Huffington Post. Yeah. It smells so good.

So... No, but that to you means I'm going to hate this. It's got that real smell of those scratch and sniff gherkin stickers that I used to get in Brent Cross. I have to have a huff. Mate, that smells like piss water. That smells fucking horrible. You have to taste it.

I'll taste it. All right, I'm pouring some out. What does it taste like? It smells like a urinal. No, it doesn't. It does. It smells like a kind of... It smells of pickles.

Lime scale tube platform toilet. A lime scale tube platform? Yeah, it's got lime scale and it's made everything a little bit salty. Right. Oh, God. Now, what does that look like? Oh, mate, that looks like snot. It's got a very kind of grey green. It is. It looks like

dirty water. Yeah, it looks like dirty water. In a way, that's probably what it is, isn't it, Paul? This is the most disgusting fucking thing. Have a little taste of this. Just don't. Don't big it up for yourself. Okay, I'm not trying to get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is unpleasant. Really? Is that bad? It smells like a cross between someone putting a pickle in my mouth and then farting in my gob. That's what it's like. It's like someone's done like a kind of, you know, like a tequila shot

where the drink is the shot and then instead of like salt and lemon, it's a pickle and a fart in my mouth. Ah, that sounds like something Heston Blumenthal would... God, it's got such a horrible aftertaste. Every time I swallow... Is it bad?

The garlicky kind of aftertaste is really funky. Right. Really funky. Okay. All funky. Okay. All right. Yeah, you taste it. Back with us.

Ooh. It's quite... It's thick, isn't it? That's disgusting, man. Yeah, thank you. It's not pleasant to drink. I was hoping it'd be better than that. I thought, to be honest, it's more garlicky than pickle.

It's the garlicky. It doesn't have, you know, like pickle has that kind of tart sharpness. That doesn't have that. It's got a bit of, oh, mate. It's boffy. It's really boffy. Okay. Marks out of five?

Oh, I'm not going to give any marks for that. That's unpleasant in concept and execution concept It's good for you though It's good for you Now you've got Flora I'll drink I'll have something else That does the same job But doesn't taste like

Someone's put a pickle And they fart in my gob Like a yakult Yeah Like a yakult Right What's next That was a success

It still feels I've still got this Farty sensation in my mouth Now As you know Paul A lot of Turks live Oh that burp It still feels I've still got this Farty sensation in my mouth Now As you know Paul A lot of Turks Oh that burp was unnecessary A lot of Turkish people

Oh Christ Oh jeez Oh god God that has not sat well in me Well it's starting to do It's good biotic work On your guts Save me some of your

Outpourings. Right. What's next? Now, I live in hell. I live near a lot of Turkish grocers. Yeah. And one of the things the Turks like to drink is fermented turnip juice, also known as salgam. And we're going to taste a couple of versions of that right now paul

it's salty it's pickly it's hot salty pickle turnip water so how is this drunk is this drunk cold or hot cold right and it's seen as them like a refreshing drink uh it's salty so it's like a savory sort of it's it's i can't think of anything equivalent. I mean, I guess they wouldn't be, but I'm trying to understand why that culture would drink that kind of drink. I don't know too much about, you know, Turkish culture. Again, I think it has some sort of, you know... Because it's fermented,

it has a sort of good-for-the-digestion kind of thing. No, fair enough. But, like, it's a hot country, Turkey, right? Parts of it, yeah. Yeah. And it would be popular in like cities there. Yeah. So sometimes there are, sometimes people will have a salty drink as a way to cool down,

like a cold salt. I'm genuinely interested if anyone is from that area or drinks this. Actually knows what the deal is. Knows more about. Now, it's meant to be turnip, but I think the main ingredient in the modern salgam is actually carrot. So it's carrot juice. Oh, that's interesting. But traditionally it was a turnip, I think.

Okay. So it comes in two basic kinds. Yeah. You get just the plain, and then you have it with chilli. Oh, interesting. Hot, spicy salgam. Yeah. So I've got both here.

All right. So I want you to basically first test the normal I like the bottle because it's got that kind of nice dippled

dippled effect I don't know what you want to call it it's dippled it's nice it's a dippled bottle it looks like if you squeezed your cock end

at the helmet and all the blood rushed to the top that's what it would look like there's a sort of thing going through I keep reaching out

to like you know mainstream newspapers and websites and people who might want to support Cheap Show. And I try and big up the fact that we are talking about this topic and play down the scatological. And then I open my mouth and then I say, it's like holding your cock real tightly at the helmet. And then I go, that's not going to endear reviewers to us.

It's not going to endear them. Turnib. Anyway, let's have a look. Try the Turnib and I want the Huffington Report. Here with the Huffington Report, Paul Gannon on the scene. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon on the scene with the turnip juice. I'm going to give it a quick sniff now. That's horrible.

That is... What? What are you getting? There's a very farty motif coming through. Oh, that's really... That's more farty than the... That's a lot fartier than I thought it was going to be. It's more fartier than the pickle and garlic water.

Yeah. Now, time for you to have a little taste. Let's have a sip. A little sip-sip. Oh. Be prepared. That's fine. Paul.

Paul! I won't ask you to taste the other one No I will Okay You always complain about I actually thought you were going to Yov all over the table then I wasn't close But I had a massive gag reaction to that

Okay why My throat did not want to swallow it What's wrong with it Do you mean I had a massive gag reaction to that. Okay, why? My throat did not want to swallow it. What's wrong with it? Do you mean, it's got nothing satisfying to that flavour. It's salty. Yeah.

You can't just say, oh, it's salty, therefore it's good. I like salty. Yeah. But would you drink a glass of salt water? No, that would make you sick. That would make me sick. Are you ready for the hot one?

Oh, pardon. Oh, God. Now, let's see if the Huffington is any... You might like the spicy one a bit more. I'm thinking maybe. That's why I'm happy to give this one a go. Same smell? No, it's almost the same smell, but it almost smells like...

Do you tell me what you think it smells like, and then I'll tell you what I think it smells like. There's a specific thing I'm thinking of. Remembering that it's a turnip-based drink with chilli. No, I don't... Chorizo. That smells like chorizo sausage to me. Oh, yeah, it does smell a bit like that, yes.

You see what I mean? Because chorizo is also a fermented product, did you know that? Yes, I did. That's why it's so nice. Yeah, so you might like this I doubt it let's go he's going to go for the spicy salgam now and we're hoping

this swallow my throat would not let me swallow that Are we okay? It's just fundamentally not a pleasant experience It's not like overly horrible It's not like grotesque It's not like that dog pee or anything like that The smell of that would just

Yeah, yeah I think it's good for the digestion. It better be. Salgam. We've had the two types of salgam. Did you enjoy that? I like it. I know it's a bit perverse of me, but I actually do like it. I mean, the thing is, I know that that's in your gamut of taste.

It's in your flavour rainbow. You know what I mean? It's in my flavour rainbow. And I like that. That's fine, but for me, that is... Not for you. Absolutely. Do I like that. That's fine. But for me, that is... Not for you. Absolutely. Do you like Marmite? Yeah, you do. I do like Marmite.

And I like, you know, like, carrot juices and things like that. But there's something... It's the fermentedness of it. It's a cross between the fact that the first sensation you get in your mouth is just the salt hit. Yeah. So you taste the salt first

and the liquid. So you feel for a minute all you're going to swallow like salt water. But then it comes at you. And then there's like a puff and then all that flavour, all that,

I don't know, farty, farty, sour, almost cabbage-y lifts up. But what I will say is this, although I didn't like those,

I would rather drink those than that fucking pickle in the pickle water. That was the worst. Which was just water. That was the worst, yeah. Which was just offensive. That's the worst for you, yeah. I might have another little bit. It was liquid stool.

Oh, that's good stuff. It's not. Why are you dirty? Why are you a dirty boy? It's a house of pickles, mate. I'm in my element. I'm having a pickle juice in the house of pickles. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, you are

listening to Eli's dream. I've got pickle water in the house of pickles. Come round here, drink the pickle water all round here. Thank you. Right, what else have you got for me? Now, Paul, I've put you through a little bit of a

gamut. A bit of a gamut. A bit of a gamut. A Gannon's gamut. A tranche, if you will. A tranche, yes. A tranche of unpleasantness there. Gannon's gauntlet. We're going to finish off with some chocolate cake.

Yay! Chocolate cake. You like chocolate cake, don't you? Now. Oh, God. Two products. Oh, God. Two products made by the same...

What? Are you okay? There's something going on in my belly right now. Oh, it's healthy digestion. It feels like an ice-cold storm of discontent. Now, hopefully this will distract you from that. You'll be all right. It's just the good biotic bacteria going to work.

Oh, Mr Grumbly's waiting for a report at the other end of the platform. Now, these are two cakes made by ETI company. Yeah. One is called Top Kek. Top Kek. The most incredible.

Top Kek. The most disgraceful leader of the pack. He's a fruit. He's a beaut. He's a Harleyman Toot. I've made that word up. Fuck off.

I don't know what Harleyman Toot is, but I'm going to find the meaning for Harleyman Toot. Harleyman Toot. I don't know. No, that's good. Harleyman Toot could be the pharaoh who's in Derek's carpet cleaner. If only I could do some kind of Egyptian accent, and I can't. Okay.

Now, we've got two cakes. One is Topkek. Topkek. The most amazing one. Topkek. He's the one who's got the... We don't know the lyrics. And we're just like two boozy men.

Having a proper fucking... Oh, you know what I think I'm feeling, Paul? What? I'm feeling a bit pickle drunk off this pickle water, man. Don't get pickle drunk. I'm having some more. Don't you get pickle drunk. I'm feeling, Paul. What? I'm feeling a bit pickle drunk off this pickle water, man. Don't get pickle drunk. Don't you get pickle drunk. I'm feeling euphoric. No.

The pickle juice is making me feel euphoric. Ladies and gentlemen, please drink pickle juice responsibly. Oh, God, that's salty. It's not. It's gross. Ooh. I have to drink me fizzy fizz good to take all the horrible taste away. All right.

Now, we've got cake, though, for that. Top cake is an individual cake. And it says... God. What? I never want to be a woman kissing you with a mouth that tastes like a fucking sewer pipe. I don't want you to be a woman kissing me. I'm not.

I mean, it'd be really freaky if you turned up one day. I'm a lady now. Kiss me. I'm not. I mean, it'd be really freaky. If you turned up one day, I'm a lady now. Kiss me. Maybe it'd be the magic you need in your life. Maybe it'd be the magic we're both looking for in our hearts, Paul.

Mash your dirty spud. Anyway. I'm getting a bit embarrassed. Anyway. Paul's getting a bit embarrassed as well. I'm just going to rephrase it And just basically say I feel sorry for the lady

Who had to kill you Freudian Kiss you After drinking a bottle of that This is getting all a bit Hitchcock I'll see there's a strange woman Who looks like my ex Following me around

Then I'll run after her And it'll be you Oh like Yeah like the end of Don't Look Now Yeah basically Come back to me my love You turn me around. Then I'll run after them and it'll be you. Oh, like, yeah, like the end of Don't Look Now. Yeah, basically. Like, oh, come back to me, my love.

You turn me around and I'm like, yeah, you're a little dwarf. Yeah. Right. Top kick. The most amazing top kick.

And, indescribable. What's the other one we got? Adicto. Adicto. What have you got on the end of your foot? I've got Adicto.

Right. That's the best I could do. Yeah, that's not good. That's the best I could do. Now, Adicto. What have you got on the end of your foot? I've got a dicto. Right. That's the best I could do. Yeah, that's not good. That's the best I could do. Now, a dicto, it amuses me because they've used the word addict or addicted. Yeah. We presume. They're saying it's addictive.

Because that looks like a little cupcake, doesn't it? A little chocolate cupcake. Well, they both look like little chocolate cupcakes, but one has hazelnut. The top cake has hazelnut. Are you okay? That pickle juice keeps coming back. Now, do you want to open the Topkek? Topkek!

The most amazing of Topkek! What's the... Gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to love. Yeah. I've got a song in there, eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Topkek, ETI, hazelnut and cocoa cupcake. It's not a muffin, really.

It's more like a cupcake, isn't it? I don't know. Get it out. Well, there's no's not a muffin, really. It's more like a cupcake, isn't it? I don't know. Get it out. Well, there's no cup. It's shaped like a cupcake. It's just a little simple cupcake. It looks simple enough. I don't know what else to say.

It's like halfway between a muffin and a cake, what they call a cuffing. Yeah. Opened it up, split it up. Chocolaty smell. Smells fine. Smells like cheap chocolate cake. Yeah.

I'm going to have a little bite of this segment. Oh. Oh. I'm going to have a little bite of this segment. Oh. Oh. What? That's got no taste whatsoever. Really tasteless. Really bad. It's not awful, but there's no flavour to it.

It's got bits of nut. Can you taste the bits of nut? Uh-huh. Yeah, pretty bland. Very bland. Pretty bland. You'd, uh... I'm going to give that one.

Yeah, it's not very good. Now, I'm opening up the Addicto, Gold Addicto. Brownie. And this is a cupcake. It's a little flowery cupcake cup. This actually has the cup. Now, what does it smell? Does it smell the same?

It's a little bit more chocolatey, I would say, the smell of that one. This is probably going to be, this is their top of the range chocolate. Oh. I'm going to break a bit off. I've got a bit of hells on it in my tooth. Oh, that's a lot more chocolatey. Oh, let's have a look. Oh, yeah, that one's got a lot more flavour.

That's nice. It's still not amazing. But it's all right. Compared to that. Yeah, yeah. So, in conclusion, Top Kek, one out of five. I would say two and a half. A Dicto's all right.

A Dicto's all right. Two and a half out of five. It's got a kind of half. A Dicto's all right. Two and a half. It's got a kind of brownie, sort of squidgy, chocolatey taste to it. And I think it was only about 40p. Oh, really? Yeah. How much were the juices? They're very cheap as well, about 65p.

Oh, God. You can get litres of this Seldom stuff now. Hello, Eli and Paul. I hope you like my Top Kek. Uncle Grumbly. I hope you like my Top Kek. We had Top Kek. Yeah, Eli and Paul. I hope you imbibe my top. Uncle Grumbly. I hope you like my top kek. We had top kek. Yeah, I made that. Oh yeah? What did you use? It's, translation's

not quite right. It's top kek, but if you translate it to English, it's plop kek. Plop kek. Yes, I thought it might be, yes. You've eaten a lovely dollop of Mr. Uncle. What about this Edicto one? Is that you as well? What's the translation of that?

I haven't got anything funny for that one. I didn't really have anything funny for that one. But I thought I'd try. A shit though. It's a shit though. It's a shit though, Paul. No, there's nothing. Let's just move on.

So is that it? Yeah. Right. Cheap eats. Right, it's time for the cheap eats train to pull out of the platform. Bye now. All aboard. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, perhaps with some different things that we will eat that will be cheap, Paul, and you can pick up some stuff. I look forward to it. I'm sorry you really didn't like the pickle water. I'm going back in. Ooh. Ooh. That's a pickle water.

You should be in charge of their advertising or something like that. That is pickle water. Right, in a change to the programming session, we recorded Price of Shite, but we're not happy with it, so I'm dumping it, and we'll come back to it another time. Because we did it,

and it was painful. There wasn't a bonus worm. We did have a bonus worm, so there's a chance you'll hear that. Maybe I'll save that clip and put it out as a Patreon thing. How about that? Okay. So the Patreon can get off scraps.

But instead, we're going to do a new segment-ish. Yeah. Ish. Called Paul's Page Turners. Ooh. Where Paul goes to a charity shop and buys a book. Or books. And then reads bits of it.

And then goes, this is a good book. And you go, no, it wasn was you go ah fuck you and then you do a character like usually richard brandoff and then i do one to annoy you and then the segment ends on a fart ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff i bought two books from a charity shop do you want to know what they are? Yeah. First one. I wanted to get this book for a while and I saw it for a quid in a RSPCA in Highgate. Higgard? Higgard. A very nice place, part of London, North London. Lovely. Next to Highgate Wood,

which I used to go and chill out and go for walks when I was depressed or stressed. Highgate Wood has a, um, quite a sort of, uh, sinister almost. Do you think? It's quite dingy. It's quite a ding of sinister... Do you think? It's quite dingy. It's quite a dingy wood. Do you know what I mean?

It's not unpleasant. There are pockets of it that are... A bit gothic. Yeah. Sort of, you know. It is. It's almost... A bit spooky. It's a bit spooky there.

It's a bit spooky. But not as spooky as Highgate Cemetery. No. That's very spooky. Very spooky. Very spooky. Very spooky. And you know what's really spooky about it?

What? It costs you five quid what's really spooky about it? What? It costs you five quid to get in. Does it? Yeah. Oh, is that for a certain part of the tour? No, you can't just go in Highgate Cemetery anymore. Really? No.

Because it's too expensive. Oh, I want to see me dead, Mum. Five quid, basically. I want to see me dead, Mum. Five quid, Mum. Well, you're not going to see her. Is this like one of those... She's hanging from a cage below the hanging tree.

I want to see mummy hanging from the high gate hanging tree. Five quid. Ten quid if you want to jack off. So anyway, the book I got was by John Ronson. John Ronson is an author who did things like The Psychopath Test and The Men Who Steer at Goats, which has turned into a film. He did a book about the porn industry recently as well. Did he?

Oh, I don't know about that. But yeah, he's a good journalist. He also did an elongated essay, sort of monograph, about how Twitter, like the wrong tweet can ruin your life. Oh, yeah, he had a whole book about that. That was a whole book. It was a whole book about that. That was a whole book. There was a whole book about that. I think it's even listed on there. It's a book that I started reading

then got really depressed by. Why? How these people's lives were just ruined. But yeah, that book was hard to read. Really? Like one woman got her

whole life destroyed by it and she did say, she did do something horrible on Twitter, but the ramifications probably weren't too much. Yeah, yeah. So it's a kind of scary book to read

but anyway this book that I got though is much more my wavelength it's called Frank and it's basically about Frank Sidebottom who was a comic creation by a guy called

Chris Seavey Seavey so I didn't know this until the book came out and obviously the film that came out called Frank there was a dramatisation

of Frank Sidebottom's life and he was played by Michael Fassbender. Strange choice. Maggie Gyllenhaal's in it as well. Okay. So he wrote this book as a kind of precursor

to the film coming out to kind of say about what his experience with... Was he a friend of his? He was in the band. Ronson was in the band with Frank.

Ronson was in Frank Sidebottom's band in the early days when they were getting together. It's a really short book. It's like 68 pages. It's only because Ransom sells books that they decided to even make that book.

It's like one chapter for it. I think it was all, it was kind of a mutually agreed decision to maybe him write this book to help promote the film. I see. But also, it's a nicely written book about...

Quite nicely... Nice little hardback. Nicely designed as well, isn't it? Yeah. Not unpleasant. So for those listening outside the UK who may not be aware, Frank Sidebottom

was a novelty, light entertainment kind of character. Chris Seavey was a musician and apparently all of his, his career wasn't going

very well. So he created Frank Sidebottom to kind of just fucking do what he wanted and a bit of a kind of rebellious action. Yeah.

And he was hidden because Sidebottom, the whole shtick was this big papier-mâché head mask thing. do what he wanted and a bit of a kind of rebellious action. Yeah. And he was hidden because side button, the whole shtick was this big papier-mâché head. Yeah. Mask thing. And he had that nasal, I can't really do it,

but you know, it's really me. Oh, it's that front side button. Was he holding his nose in the mud? He did. He had a clip of that on his nose the whole time. Oh, did he?

Okay. To the point where, because he wore the head for so long, like for instance, John Ronson says that whenever they were on tour, he never took his head off, even in the van.

You know, he'd very rarely take it off. I think how smelly it would be in the head. Probably. Smelly in the head. Funky. It is a good question. How smelly was Frank Saibot's hollow head? Yeah, probably funky. But after the end of a tour, crikey.

It was probably a bit of a sweat box. Probably needed one of those packets that you get in Japanese foodstuffs that help it not dry, keep dry. Yeah, got it. So, I'll put a picture up on the website, but it was a massive papier-mâché head. You spit me right round, baby, right round, like an ink gun, right round,

right round. You spit me right round, baby, right round, like an ink gun, right round, right round. Do you know what you do? You really do. Thank you. Thank you very much. Please come and join me.

That was extraordinary. I think that's wonderful. Hey, this is nice, isn't it? No, please feel free. Go ahead, yes. I could sleep on this, that's all. Yes, yes. Well, that was a lovely song.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. I tried to do my best, you know. Yes, well, you obviously did do your best. Yes, yes. Oh, yes. How would you describe that sort of music you've just played? Because it seems to be... Pop, you know. Yes, well, you obviously did do your best. Yes, yes. Oh, yes. How would you describe that sort of music

you've just played? Because it seems to be... Pop, pop music. Hip parade stuff, you know. I see. A lot of hip parade. Even though it's played on that instrument,

which is... Well, what is that instrument? It's a banjo, actually. Ah. It's a cross between a ukulele and a banjo. I don't know who invented it. A very original idea.

I think, well, it serves your type of music very well indeed, very well indeed. Well, I can. I think, well, it serves your type of music very well indeed. Well, I can play the drums as well, you know. Oh, right. And the bass guitar. Well, I'm playing everything on my record. A man of many talents, it seems.

Oh, yes. Well, if the hat fits, wear it. Although it usually doesn't fit me, you know what I mean? Yes. What's the other goal, you know? Yes, why not? You've got to in show business. Absolutely.

Frank, tell me a bit about your spiritual home, your hometown. At Timperley, I live in. Timperley, yes. Oh, it's very nice around there, very rural. Yes. I like to go train spotting and things like that. Rambling, you know, looking in birds' nests. You know, but I never touch them.

You know, they're like legs. Oh, yes. I never touch them, you know. I like to take photographs of them. Oh, yes, right. That's a stamp collecting I like doing. Yes. And I like watching television.

It's brilliant. Oh, really? You know, I could lie there all day watching telly in bed. Yes. Fantastic. But would you describe yourself as a country boy at heart or a city dweller? Oh, yes, I'm an outdoor person. Well, I'm an indoor person as well.

I'm a sort of outdoor indoor person, you know what I mean? Yes, I do know. Absolutely brilliant. Yes, I'm an outdoor person. Well, I'm an indoor person as well. I'm a sort of outdoor-indoor person, you know what I mean? Yes, I do know precisely what you mean. Yes, I see. Have any other famous people come from Timperley? Well, you know David Bowie? Oh, yes, good Lord. He was in an aeroplane that went over a Timperley once, you know. Ah.

Well, I think it was him, didn't it? It looked like him, you know. I see. And me being eye-opening, you know. Oh, think it was him and it looked like him you know and uh you know all right having a lot um they uh they've been to manchester which is just near temple you know there was playing in uh in a big concert you know i like doing concerts fantastic yes where do you do them do you do concerts in timpoli oh yes at the village hall you know and uh you know i like to play in the scout hut fantastic yeah we had three people in last week brilliant good lord yeah

that's quite a crowd yes i mean i do i do you um have to sign autographs are you mobbed by people all the time i have to go shopping for my mom you know what i mean i get pestered you know but yeah but i don't mind it you know what I mean because it's show business isn't it also Paul just in terms of correlating relevant information

on this we're all for that where's that magazine funny because I saw we were going to discuss that oh yeah

and I'm looking at this and there's a DVD out Being Frank the Chris Sivy story yeah that's a documentary that's just come out

really recently that talks about the people who work with him would you be interested in watching that as well I very much would because this book

is fascinating and I always loved Frank Sybotten he did novelty songs didn't he well he didn't really have any hits you know what I mean

it was like he did spoofs of like queen songs and you know he made them he changed the lyrics to popular numbers yeah born in the USA became born in Timperley so it was like he would like you know what's the

word i'm looking for like he would make something big and he'd make it really mundane and intimate and personal and kind of parochial wouldn't he in a similar way to shortworth john shortworth kind of tradition of northern comedy doing that. Yeah. Making mundane, putting the mundanity into things. And making actually something kind of beautiful as a result. Yeah. So I remember Frank from watching TV shows. Do you remember Remote Control on Channel 4? It was like a quiz show.

And he was a presenter on that, wasn't he? I think he was in it in some respect. But that's what I remember seeing him. He popped up in all different stuff, didn't he? Like the tube. Yeah. But it was funny because apparently nearly everyone around him got more famous than he ever did. Yeah.

John Ronson says he saw, for instance, Carolyn Ahern, who was famous for creating the Royal Family and being in Fast Show. But apparently Miss Merton came from when he was making an album. He said, do you mind being this character called a Mrs. Merton? So he created Mrs. Merton? Well, yes and no. He said, you want to be this next door neighbour character called Mrs. Merton? So he created Mrs. Merton? Well, yes and no. He said, you want to be this next-door neighbor character called Mrs. Merton and Old Biddy. And she did everything else. He basically gave her the name.

But then that character exploded. Yeah, weird. And so Frank, as an act, kind of, it was always going to be cult. You know what I mean? It was never going to be mainstream success of him. It says here he opened for Bross once. I think I may have recalled seeing that. He opened for Bross,

which were huge at the time in the late 80s, early 90s. And he basically was told, you know, don't do Bross stuff. So what did he do? He came on and did Bross songs. Before Bross? Yeah.

And he was getting bottles thrown at him and things like that. Angry Bross fans. Yeah. You know what bottles they were probably throwing? The ones they'd taken those caps off to put on their boots and then they'd throw

in the bottle I'd never heard of that do you remember the Bross had this whole sort of fashion code where you know those like

Grolsch bottle tops Bross yeah okay so you take like a beer bottle cup yeah one of those ceramic sort of you know

metal caps that they'd have on Grolsch oh yeah the stoppers yes yeah and they put them on like their shoes like a, yeah, the stoppers. And they put them on their shoes.

Like a buckle. Bross fans are pricks. So, there's a story in here as well about he was going on tour with Gary Glitter of all people as well. And Gary Glitter's people said... When did Glitter... When did he fall from grace?

It's like early 90s, wasn't it? Yeah, when everything started coming out about him. Jonathan like early 90s, wasn't it? Yeah. When everything started coming out about him. Jonathan King was the first of the nonces. Yeah. The first of the nonces. He came. No, he was, wasn't he? King was a few years before.

I don't think he was the very first nonce, though. Because that's the way you're making it sound like. He was the first nonce ever. He wasn't the first nonce that roamed the earth. Who was the first nonce ever? Jonathan King? Correct. Five points.

So the story goes like this. Again, it's a great book. It goes into much more detail. But he talks about how he talked to Gary Glitter. And they said, whatever you do, stay off the fucking stage and all this stuff. Don't stand there. Don't stand there. Because Glitter, that's when he has his ideas, as we know.

Well, that's where apparently the stage rays and fireworks go off. It's all pyrotechnics. So he went they went don't do that so what did he do he did that and set off all the fireworks got lifted up and so apparently the managers or whatever stormed the stage to get him wow he runs off and as he's running he's taking the head off he's not taking his clothes off because he wears other clothes underneath his own takes it hide stands by the door and the manager didn't know it was him no they went have you seen that frank sidebomb he goes yeah he ran out through that door. Crazy.

Yeah, crazy. That's another advantage of being anonymous. Yeah, I guess. In the sidebar face. But after the documentary is kind of about how there was Chris and there was Frank and they were very different people. And I think Frank allowed him to deal with failure, whereas Chris couldn't deal with it, Frank could,

because Frank enjoyed the failure. Well, essentially yeah you know so that's what it was and to link it back to me to some extent i performed with frank saibot me and graham casey before we set up you know rogues handbook and stuff we did a we were part of a comic relief event in manchester where it was like a 24-hour comedy show and we were just one act as part of the whole thing doing sketches yeah he was on After Us did you do Bad Lines I honestly can't remember the sketches we did now

I think we did To Tony that sketch oh god I like that fucking sketch I think that's a good sketch we did that anyway

we go off and Frank Sidebottom is there standing at the stage and he goes oh I like your ukulele playing all that stuff because I had done a little ukulele song at the end you got props from sidebottom still stay there stay at the stage he goes oh i like your ukulele playing all that stuff because i had done a little ukulele song at the end and he got he got props from side bottom well yeah and then he went on and did his thing and it was really good didn't he play you

a banjo yeah and he had a little frank didn't he on the stick the little puppet thing which is again a puppet man doing a puppet thing he's like layers pretty cool yeah and he came off and then afterwards he was just like oh i've got to go and all this stuff but he had a nice little chat he was really friendly but he was in the mask yeah the whole time he turned up wearing the head and left wearing the head

so I only ever met Frank you know what I mean as I'm sure a lot of people ever did that's slightly creepy but he played my banjo don't you think that's a bit weird

yes and no but it's art isn't it you know what I mean yeah but you're backstage with a performer you want to talk to the actual person yeah but think about it this what I mean? Yeah, but you're backstage with a performer. You want to talk to the actual person. Yeah, but think about it this way, right?

Imagine you're Chris and you're like, I like doing this for me. I don't really care about other people. That gives you a sense of anonymity, that sense of I don't have to engage with these people. I don't have to be Chris with these people. I can be Frank and get in and get out. And that makes sense to me.

You know, again, it's an artistic choice. Yeah. It's strange, very eccentric. So I i would recommend if you find this in a charity shop john ronson's frank get it it's a little read i read this in maybe about an hour quick read it's very quick read but if you like it and you want to know more about frank's side bottom check out the documentary and the film and he's there's loads of him on youtube and then if you you like that, go see John Shuttleworth's stuff. It's kind of a natural progression. Did you see the drama with Fassbender? I haven't yet.

No, but it's on Netflix and I should get around to watching it. I've heard good things about it, but I honestly, I don't know. It's a fictionalised version of that. You know? Yeah.

Before he died, they were working on the movie then. He said, basically, it doesn't have to be real. You can, it doesn't have to be about my life. So that's... He didn't mind them dramatising it. He basically dramatised said, basically, it doesn't have to be real. It doesn't have to be about my life. So that's... He didn't mind them dramatising it.

No, no, no. Basically dramatised it, fictionalised it. Just when I have this magazine here, Paul, something that is going to be of interest to us on Cheap Show is this new book

from Johnny Trunk. Now, Johnny Trunk, he is sort of a soundtrack. He has his own record label, Trunk Records. Oh. And it has featured on Cheap Show before because he reissued the Moogly Booglies. Oh, really?

Yeah, that's on Trunk. The Anthony Newley thing? The Newley, yeah. Newley and Delia Derbyshire. Yeah. So he released that? Yeah. He re-released it?

Yeah. It's never before been released. He unearths things like that. He's really into the strange corners. And then giving it a proper nice release. And so he does it. That's nice. He does all strange library music and soundtrack music.

And he's got even more weird stuff like recordings of train announcements. There's a whole scene. People are really into that. Yeah. I don't want to ever meet those people. No, I kind of can get it. Do you want to come round to my house? Oh, yeah.

I'll just put some relaxing tunes on. Bing, bong. Sandwiches are available. It's all that stuff. The Hampstead and City line has now closed. Yeah, no, it's not that. It's like, you know, when the... Hey, this is your head steward and snacks are available in the buffet bar.

The buffet bar will be closing in 15 minutes, all of that. But where's that? Hang on, I'm confused. There's people who record it. Oh, pre-recorded stuff that they just play on the tannoy? No, there's people who sit in trains and record it. What? Yeah.

That reminds me of what I was going to say. I think I met a real-life Derek. Ah. I'll show you a picture of him. I won't put it up on the website because I don't think it's fair to put it, but I'll show you this man. I'm travelling. Was he like all lingering?

I'll tell you what, right now, so you can have a picture of what I'm about to tell you, I'll show you the picture of the man I saw and then explain. Was he talking? This is the man. I'll just show you. Again, because there's a bit of respect and privacy, I'm not going to put this on the website. Okay. But describe him, if you could. He looks quite a reasonably dishevelled man in his 60s.

60s, 70s, something like that. Could be in his 70s. He's got a little tape recorder on his lap. Yeah. And he's dressed in a sort of dark navy look, sort of cagoule. Yeah. And he looks a bit dishevelled and sort of, he's got a grey sort of... Woule. Yeah. And he looks a bit dishevelled and sort of,

he's got a grey, sort of, wispy beard. Not wispy, it's more like a stubbly beard. Stubbly beard. And thinning grey hair. To be fair,

And he looks a bit depressed. He looks a bit like if Jeremy Corbyn hit the bottle hard. Yeah. That's basically the kind of thing we're looking at. He does look a bit like that. And he looks like he's making a tape recording.

here's what happened. Was he going, oh, children. No, no, no, I won't go that far. recording. Well, here's what happened. Was he going, oh, children. No, no, no. I won't go that far. But it's actually quite sweet. So I'm on the train from Harrow coming into town right at the weekend.

And the trains are all off on the Metropolitan between Wembley Park and whatever. So the point being is that I'm sitting on the chair opposite him on the train heading south into town on the tube. Right? And I see he's sitting there and he's just keeping himself to himself, mumbling. And I think, oh, silly old man.

And then from a bag, he opens up in front of him and he pulls out this cassette player recorder. You know, the little small one with the handle. Well, I could see it in that photo. But in the bag was like four clock radios and a transistor and some other little technical thing. A big bag of like radios, basically. Strange. Alarm clock radios and AM, you some other little technical thing a big bag of like radios basically strange alarm clock radios and am you know like perhaps he collects them well he gets he gets it out and he takes a cassette out of his pocket and he puts it into the cassette machine presses it and then spends literally two minutes with his feeble strength trying to press play and record at the same time down he couldn't do it he couldn't do it i was seeing him

put all his effort into pressing these two buttons and it took him two real solid minutes why don't you just say look mate do you want me to press those buttons for you yeah it was weird so he finally does it and the cassette starts recording and he leaves it on his lap and then it's like wembley park blah blah this train will you whatever. And then he gets out of his pocket his mobile phone. It's a smartphone, right? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, presses it and then opens up an app and he starts playing like some teeny bopper 90s pop song. Okay.

You know, like a kind of like S Club 70 kind of thing. Playing it loud on his phone and then puts the phone on the speaker of the recorder and starts recording onto cassette the music coming out of his phone. On the the phone on the speaker of the recorder and starts recording onto cassette the music coming out of his phone yeah and he just starts sitting there

and the music playing out and then I'm looking I'm going what's he doing and he leans down and he goes whatever the date was

26th of April and then names the band and the song and then just puts the phone back oh he's nuts he catches me looking at him

and he gives me a wink right and then I go the phone back. Oh, he's nuts. He catches me looking at him and he gives me a wink, right? And then I go and I wink back and then he raises his little arms. He starts pumping the air with his arms like he's dancing. He has this weird problem. And he's just doing this little dance thing, right? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good.

And then he gets up and he starts, you know, bopping, bopping. And the song ends and he just sits back down, puts the phone in his pocket, presses stop on his cassette and then puts it all back in the bag and zips it up and then gets off at Wembley Park. What a strange fellow. Very strange.

And it's just a very strange thing to have. I don't, I don't know what he's doing. He's making a little tape for himself. Perhaps he just enjoys taping stuff. Maybe, but he... You know, he just wants to tape it. Yeah, but I just thought it was adorable.

You know, he wasn't creepy, but it was kind of sad, but also endearing. It reminds me of this guy called Lawrence I used to work in a call centre with.

He was like, oh yeah, I've got records. I've been keeping records of all the top tens. I'm going to write a book of all the... All the... Top tens.

All the top tens for like 20 years it's like Lawrence they've got that information yeah the website's full of that shit you can just

you know why are you going to write a book he's like oh oh oh mate you just fucking destroyed his life

he's like what I've got nothing I've got nothing to live for he did live with his mum mate that's sad a little old man recording stuff and having a lovely little time

bopping on a chair. That's one thing. Destroying a man's life, work, and then sending him home to his mum is worse. It just is worse. Anyhow.

Anyhow. That's that book, Frank. What do you want to finish up? Think about Trunk. Trunk. So he releases and he has a new book out. Yeah.

Is it called Top Ten since the last 20 years? Wobbly Sounds, a collection of British flexi discs. Cool, eh? £10 only, so that's quite good. I'm going to get a copy. It's a book about? Flexi discs. I have that brilliant one for the tourist board of the Isle of Wight.

Remember that? Yeah. And it's interviewing people. It's ice cream ice cream nice ice cream that's the beck hill episode isn't it i think we played that yeah what is it on one because then we did the spook and look there's a picture of one here with this advert for this book central milton kings so it's obviously a sort of genre of flexi disc is the tourist the tourist holiday oh i love them i love there is something both shit and amazing about flexi discs. Yeah. Because I see them in charity shops all the time and I want to buy them because it'll be something odd. But I won't buy them because they're big folded it with.

It's folded. It's completely useless. Absolutely useless. And that breaks my heart. I've got my Engine Fault flexi up there. As we all remember, the Engine Fault one as well. I wonder if that's in his book. Well, you can find it.

You can reach out to him. Now, flexi discs from the Engine Fault one as well. I wonder if that's in his book. Well, you can find it. You can reach out to him. Now, flexi discs from the 50s to the 90s. And it details 150 of them. I had a few when I was growing up. Reader's Digest to smash hits. Yeah. There's a Chris Morris flexi for Select magazine. Really?

Yeah. See, I want all that stuff. There'll be some interesting things in that book, don't you think? So do you think it's like a coffee book where every page is a different flexi disc? Yeah, perhaps. Yeah. All right. Just quick pause. Herman rolled down over there. things in that book don't you think so do you think it's like a coffee book where every page is a different flexi disc yeah perhaps yeah alright just quick pause

Herman rolled down over there he's back we can't mention the scribbles we'll have to reintroduce him in another episode

the scribbles eating Herman no so Herman the Wormen yeah we can't we can't we can't introduce him

because we've lost the footage can't we to the Patreon ladies and gentlemen reintroducing the star of a failed segment of Cheap Show, it's Eli's new friend, Herman the Worm Man. Oh, hello. I'm little Herman and I like breath.

I like to sup on breath. All right, Herman. All right, yeah. So Herman is a worm that lives in your mouth and lives off your breath. He's a little butt-plug-shaped green worm. Yeah, he is. He's a little... We found it in a board game that obviously was not part of the board game,

but Eli fell in love with it. I can only describe it as love at first sight. Well, wouldn't you love a little butt-plug-shaped worm that lives in your mouth and drinks your breath? Absolutely fucking not. All right. Absolutely not. Well, that's where we differ. Well, anyway,

Herman the Worm Man, a brand new character for Cheap Show. I'm sure he'll be a big success. What other books have we got on this segment? Oh, that was the thing. I got a few flexi discs in my time. Lucky Magazine had The Jets Crush on You. I think we've mentioned that on the podcast before. Big tune.

Yeah, and I also got a Care Bears movie flexi disc that had a song from the movie in it. Have we done a Platters flexi special yet? No. Well, that's something we should do, Paul. Do we have enough? I reckon we could cover them again.

Yeah. We can definitely cover the engine sound. We can do the Isle of Wight one, if I find that. We should do it again, because I think... I've also got some nice, quite rare private eye flexi discs. We should do it then. We should do a flexi special. The Gnome Report. What do you mean, Gnome Report? One of them's. We should do it then. We should do it. Flexi special. The Gnome Report.

What do you mean, Gnome Report? One of them's called The Gnome Report. Is it? Yeah. All right, great. I'd love that.

And it's like the BBC Gnome Service. Oh, BBC Gnome Service. Yeah. The next book I got in a charity shop, London's Strangest Tales. Extraordinary but true stories

from a thousand years of London history. I love shit like this. All right, let's have it. I remember there was that story we touched on, I think, about the great flood

of Tottenham Court Road. Oh. Because where the theatre is, where We Were Rocky was for years. The Dominion. Yeah. That corner of Tottenham Court Road

used to have a massive brewery on that made London Ale. And the story goes, and I can't remember the date, it was, let's just say, 1600, 1700, something like that. One of the barrels

burst that contained tons and tons of beer a big old barrel and it swept down the street and it drowned a few people it swept into houses it broke windows and doors

how big was this barrel? huge metric tons you know like in like water tanks like one of those ones they have in Nando's which you can eat inside

yes just like one of those ones in Nando's you can eat inside. Well, it must have been. Bigger than that. Yeah, there are better details than that, but yes. No, there isn't. Paul, imagine there's a dead rat. Do you measure it in Nando's now?

Oh, that's seven or eight Nando's worth. Imagine that one of those barrels. Yeah. And you're looking down on it from above. And there's like a mouse just dead on the side there. In it, the barrel? No, on top of the barrel.

On the rim? Yeah, right on the top. So it's died on the rim of the barrel. Can you picture that? Is the barrel full? Or is it empty? The barrel's... We're outside the barrel.

You can't tell. I know, but we're looking down. I know you can tell if the barrel's full or not. No, because the barrel's got a wooden top. You didn't say that at the top. I presume there's an open top barrel. It's not open top. So it's been sealed.

So then there's a lid on top. So he's dead on the lid. Yeah. There's one dead mouse on the lid of a barrel of beer. A huge barrel. Right. Huge, like flooding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A huge big barrel. Do you know what that is? What? Like what my knob looks like. A mouse on top of a big barrel. Yeah, no, it was. You know what? That was the most protracted way we've ever done one of your dick jokes.

I mean, I'm... It was good. It was a great moment. I mean, good. I don't know about good, but we got there. All right. So, this is a story

all about London's strangest tales. It's just that simple. I haven't read it yet because I bought it on... But you're going to read one for me that I was particularly interested in, The Filthiest Pub. Oh, yeah.

Where was that one? Let's have a look at it. The Dirtiest Pub in Oh, yeah. Where was that one? Let's have a look at it. The Dirtiest Pub in London. Yeah. Apparently, this is a story from 1809. Okay. Pretty dirty time. It's before the sewers had been built, hasn't it?

It's when they used to still chuck their shit out. Didn't they? Yeah, it was horrible. And also, everything was horses. Horses were just shitting everywhere. Yeah. Wasn't that when the Thames stunk of shit as well? Big steamy horse piss.

Yeah. I'm sure London was really great to live in in this time. It must have been awful. Yeah. Not as bad as today. With your commuters and your Polish. Paul Gannon has now been fired from cheap show. Dirtiest pub in London.

Here we go. It's written by a guy called Tom Quinn. So well done, Tom. You've collected And collated A bunch of very interesting books Apparently he writes Stuff like this all the time

He's got science Strangest inventions And military Strangest campaigns He's the strangest guy Right Dirtiest pub in London 1809

Tingle lingle lingle This could almost be A tell us on the shop floor As well When you think about it Let's see Let's see Many London

I bet there's poop in it. Well, let's find out. Many London pubs are far older than they first might appear. In Bishopsgate, for example, Dirty Dicks dates back to the early 18th century, despite the fact that the pub looks typically mid-Victorian. I've been to Dirty Dicks. I know Dirty Dicks. Yeah, it's in Liverpool Street now, isn't it?

Yeah, when I'm DJing around the corner, I sometimes go past Dirty Dicks at night. It's very lively. It's very lively. There's some liveliness, some young people with their lively, zesty little vaginas. Why?

Why? And penises. And penises, there we go. So, Dirty Dicks, I've been there. The cellars here are original and it was in the pub above that one of London's

most extraordinary and eccentric characters once lived. What pub is he still talking about? Dirty Dicks. Okay. The story varies in its details, but it seems that Nathaniel Bentley, a local businessman and dandy who ran an ale house, decided to get married.

Fine. Fair enough. Yeah. Everything was prepared and the pub's dining rooms had been laid out with beautiful flowers, cutlery, linen, and a huge cake. But on the night before the wedding, the bride died. That sucks. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty...

That's taking grief to the extreme levels that's a Pepsi Max worth of grief on the scale of soft drink grief it's a Pepsi Max that I don't understand where you're going with that I don't really know either are we going to try Fanta Shaka Toka

Shaka Toka I feel for you yeah we can have you seen it no basically Fanta have put out a load of new flavours they've got grape you don't usually see I feel for you. Yeah, we can. Have you seen it? No. Basically, Fanta have put out a load of new flavours. They've got grape you don't usually see. No.

They've got melon. Yeah, all the fruit you never really see. There's this one I keep spotting, shaka-toka. I feel for you. Shaka-toki. Shaka-toki. What's that, though? I'm'm gonna find out right now yeah we're gonna discover what shaka toki is oh i feel for you shaka toko

i love that here we go shakartaokata. Yeah, so Shokata. Look, and it's blue. Yeah, but what is that, though? But what is that? I'm going to find out. I'm just building up to it, Paul. It's blue, look. It's like a kind of... Have you seen that?

Have you seen these blue Fanta bottles? Yeah, it's like raspberry blue kind of colour. Yeah. It's elderflower and lemon. Yeah. I don't know if I'd like the idea of that. Don't you like elderflower? No, I don't really.

I don't find that flavour very flavour quenching. You know what I mean? It's not a satisfying flavour. It just kind of feels like they're trading on that organic soft drinks market with some piss-poor flavour variations for Fanta. It's a lime. The shakarta fruit is a lime. So it's like a lime and lemon.

In Central Africa, amazing properties of this fruit were only discovered as late as a couple of years ago. Weird. Well, I'm going to give that a go. I think we should maybe try that on the show, Paul. We could certainly use it in a froth shop. I think that's froth shop's territory. Really? Yeah.

Okay. It's, you know, sugary candy sweet drink. Can I get back to my story now? It's healthy. Yeah. Can I get back to my story about a man's grief? You can, yeah. Well, I'm talking about Fanta flavours.

Right. So his pants fell off because he was... Yes, that's it. It all boils down to his pants falling down. Right, so he also stopped washing and only changed his clothes when they rotted and fell off. No, but hang on. So you said he sealed up his room with the breakfast laid out.

Yes. Do you not listen? Or are you too busy fucking wanking over Fanta? Eh. Good callback to just now. Only me and you are going to find that amusing. Right, I know. All right?

Weird. Okay. Okay. This has gone well. I thought this interruption. Acting. Right. Shaka-ta.

Shaka-ta. We're moving on from Fanta. No, it says He sealed up the room As was When it was laid For the breakfast Are we assuming

That the food Is in there as well The food for the breakfast Yeah so imagine It's all there Cake Well that would have been smelly Yeah but that's

He's mad And sad And no one goes in that room For No it's all sealed off So He allowed his pub To become one of the

Filthiest houses in London, but people flocked to see it as if it was really as bad as they'd been told, and Bentley made a fortune. Right. Because he had the Dirty Dick's pub. It's just grubby. Just a grubby, dirty pub with a room full of haunted, lost memories. Do you think Oscar the Grouch lived there?

Go with that idea. Yeah. Go on, what does Oscar the Grouch sound like? I don't know, get someone else to do it. No, this is your improvisation. No, I didn't say it's my improvisation. I asked a simple factual question, which you were unable to answer. What's the answer right now?

How does the notes answer it? Let me have a look. Is there a sub note? Let me have a look. Oscar the Grouch. I'm reading. Well? No. No, he didn't. Oscar the Grouch is not in this story in any shape or form. What about Fungus the Bogey Well. No.

No, he didn't. Oscar the Grouch is not in this story in any shape or form. What about Fungus the Bogeyman? No. Do you remember Fungus the Bogeyman? Yes. He was grabby. Right, you've got to go down a memory lane now thing.

Is this it? Going down a memory lane. I thought we were soonly done with this. All right, come on. Soonly do it. Soonly done. So, yeah, he made a fortune. A fortune he never spent

Because he bought Nothing He's a bit of a A maggot He's a bit of a maggot It seems like There's a lot of that Going around

People earning a lot of money And then going mad And then Never spending any of that Part of their madness Is Miserliness Yeah

Because they feel like Every penny must be counted Because you've got to remember Maggots started Hiding money around his houses Well yeah, they just want to have money More than they want to have things that money buys But then Meggett was a different case

Because he was Oh no, don't touch me money You want to build a magical castle in the sky? Here's two million pounds in old money So He lived for nearly 40 years and died Finally in 1809 He was a rich man by then he once said what is the point of washing my hands or anything for that matter when they'll only be dirty again

tomorrow well he had uh he lived in an era paul before the um discovery of germs germs and stuff so yeah so he was just just grubby yeah he wasn't actually like... You know, you could answer that question, what the point is, quite clearly with a medical answer now. But that was... It would spread germs. Obviously now. You get it sick.

You make people around you sick. I would still say, if I was in conversation with him and he said, what is the point of washing my hands or anything else for that matter? They'll be only dirtied again tomorrow. I would say,

yes, but you stink of shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, but it's like, I don't, yes, but you stink of shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? I know, but it's like, I don't care. They all, yeah. We have to work with you. I don't have to smell me, do I? No, but we do. I'm within my own subjective reality, where it's okay. You're like that philosopher who hated the Eiffel Tower, so his favourite place

in Paris to go was the Eiffel Tower because it's the only place in Paris you couldn't see it. It's that kind of thing. He could also just not look at it. What, just wander around, not closing his eyes every time he turns north? It's the sky penis of Godzilla. Yeah, so a famous philosopher's going to start saying that. It's just a big man lying in the ground who has a big green penis made of metal. The Iron Giant Wang.

Yeah. Not Eiffel Tower, but I had something else to say. That never happened in The Iron Giant. You never see The Iron Giant's cock crawl out of the sand. It's because he's a robot. Why would you give a robot a penis? He was meant for moving bits of industrial stuff around. No, he was built to be a war machine.

That's the whole point of the film, isn't it? Exactly. And then he discovers humanity via a little boy. What utility does genitals have in war? Just get in the way, get blown off, don't they? Yeah, they do. It's like Catch-22. Doesn't he lose his have in war? Just get in the way, get blown off, don't they? Yeah, they do. It's like Catch-22. Doesn't he lose his balls in that? Once, I heard,

Paul, once, someone got shot through the womb and the bullet went in... No, shot through a dead testicle. Yeah. And it went into a lady's womb. Yeah. She had a baby. Mythbusters thoroughly debunked that on an episode of Mythbusters. I think it's true. It's not true. That's the kind of thing.

That's pseudo-intellectualism. And the bullet picked up more than... I heard it happened again. And the bullet went through two people's bollocks, and she had twins. Right, great. Then they did an experiment before there was modern ethics, and there was a whole bunch of men stood in a room

with a woman on the other side of the wall, legs akimbo. And they had a precision bullet. You're a fucking monster. Locked off. You are a fucking monster. And they shot through like 17 bollocks into her womb. She died.

Nothing happened. Wow. And they died. Paul, what I was going to say. What I was going to say. Yeah. Did you hear as well? There was this doctor.

The first doctor who went, oh. this is such a Ronnie Corbett of podcasts. Women seem to be dying near around childbirth because we don't wash our hands. This is way before the germ theory. Yeah. Discovered that he was correct. He said, you've got to wash your hands, guys. I've figured out.

Yeah. If you wash your hands, they have a much better chance of surviving all of this. Okay. In mid-wifery. Yeah. And they all ignored him and laughed at him. No, we'll go on

taking a shit and then go straight in. But that's the way society is. It's bizarre. So... The remnants of the old clothes that hung from the ceiling

were only cleared out after they fell foul of a new health and safety rule in the 1980s. But the pub, the old pub What was that rule called I bet? I bet it was called the Great Expectations rule.

Yeah, the Great Expectations, the Mrs. Havisham rule. Or Flavisham. Havisham? Flavisham. Havisham. But the old pub still has a few fake rags here and there to remind us of its decidedly grubby past. If you go to Dirty Dick's, keep an eye out for the dirty rags in the downstairs area. Oh, I've never been to the downstairs area

of Dirty Dicks. You haven't been to the downstairs area of Dirty Dicks and saw some filthy rags? No. I can't go around there. You can't go around here?

Do you want another story from here? I'm enjoying these. I think you'll like this one because it's quite short. 1190. This is in London. Strangest Tales.

The book by Tom Quinn. Thank you for letting us literally take your work word for word. That's a bit much you spent for it though, isn't it? I spent a quid on this book. You said 1190. No, the 1190 is the year the story is taking place in London's strangest... Oh, fuck off! This story...

You spent through your nose with that, Paul! It's meant to be a cheap show! Fucking hell. This story is called human lavatory the Eli Silverman story that's an idiot laughing at that joke

yeah yeah good I call him Jim right I've obviously had to edit that out

Oh fucking god don't But this is what he sounds like everyone No don't Don't you fucking dare In my toilet Right Human lavatory 1190

As successive British governments have closed Britain's once great wealth of public lavatories London lose Fucking tell me about it. Yeah. I am outraged. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

And then you go in a shop and they go, you can't use the loo unless you buy a fucking coffee for seven quid. Yeah. What am I... I'm going to shit on your floor. So that's you who does that, is it? No, I go, right. You've asked for it.

One sentence in. You've gone straight to shitting on floors. Right. Mate, have you heard about as well sorry I'm just on a bit of a roll here have you heard

there's coffee carts now near King's Cross but you can only pay cash okay it's not okay you're okay with that I don't know I don't care

ew it's all artisanal coffee some fucking hipster with a big beard and lumberjack outfit selling coffee don't care. Ew. It's all artisanal coffee. Some fucking hipster with a big beard and lumberjack outfit selling coffee. It's not very good, but it tastes a bit burned. But that tricks you into thinking it's posh coffee. It's not though.

This coffee I'm drinking now. Ooh baby. Did I get any offered? Do you want some? Doesn't matter now, does it? No, there's a whole fucking thing. Doesn't matter now. Stick it up your arse. There's a whole thing of it there. Stick it up your arse.

I don't want your coffee. Coffee enema, that's a thing. So I could stick it up my arse if I wanted. Well, there you go. I'll do that then. Let's do cheap show enema. Mate, don't. We'll get a pipe, a bit of rubber hosing.

We'll get a qualified nurse. Cycle tyre pump. I'm not trusting you with that. It's cheap trusting you anywhere near that. And then I'm going to get the hottest coffee I can find. No, you wouldn't. And pour it directly into your delicate arsehole. I'll tell you what would happen.

Yeah. Paul, you'd be like, right, I'm going to put the coffee inserter in now. Yeah. Oh, it's in. Oh, I know where you are. Aren't you funny? Aren't you funny? Oh, it slipped in.

Oh, lazy. It slipped in nicely. I'm going to have to pull it out. There seems to be a problem. Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Cheap Cheap. I'm going to have to put it back in again. Oh, the problems keep reoccurring every 10 seconds. Sploosh. So, I don't know.

I don't know what you're inferring, but I'm presuming it's anal sex, right? Yeah. So, this coffee, wow. Let's fucking move on. Let's move on. Come on. What's this? Poo-poo man.

I've literally one sentence into this and you've gone off on a tangent about anal sex and coffee. It's a good combo. It is. So, apparently, London loos up until the 1950s were famous the world over.

Apparently, I didn't know that. Well, yes. That's what I mean. We've got all of these underground loos. You know, the ones that are all closed now. You used to be able to just go down, wash your hands. It says here, the public has now been forced to dash in and out of restaurants and pubs where they have no intention either of eating or drinking.

Terrible. But it's true. It's like Camden had those toilets and they've been closed recently. Open the fucking toilet. Did you know? It's all part of the slide towards fucking, you know fucking eli's manifesto neo-liberal privatization of the whole public sphere isn't it yeah and they just don't they don't turn a profit lose do they there's no way they can make money it's a service yeah the public for the community you're paying

for the upkeep they don't want to the neo-liiberals don't want to fucking pay for it, do they? Well, there you go. Hot political commentary on Cheap Show. Well, you know what I'm saying. No, I agree. It's all getting sold off. It's all to different, you know, they get Serco to run it. Isn't it great? And Serco goes, we're not making any profit for this.

Isn't it great? Fuck the people, you know. I'm just, no. Fuck people who want to take a piss in a busy city. Do you know what I mean? And now, you just see people pissing on the street all over the place, Paul. It's disgusting. Yeah, it is.

I totally agree. And that's because they've fucking taken these facilities away from us. Yeah. Cheap Show. The podcast that goes from political commentary to anal bum sex jokes within 90 seconds. I've got a hive mind. What can I say? Buzz buzz.

Here comes another idea. Ladies and gentlemen, I challenge you to name a podcast that does the same. Well, there is that one. Shut up. There is that one. What? Arse pod. Yeah, it's called Political Arse Sex Pod. Right, the prod pod.

Right, here we go. The reason London and... The reason London and... The reason London's magnificent Victorian public loos were built in the first place was simply that governments of the time saw them as essential to the well-being of Londoners

who would argue that it would still be quite to the well-being of Londoners to have them. Fucking hell. It's like you go to Amsterdam or Paris and they have those

little urinals on the corners and stuff like that. Give us the loos. And they were great. They were actually really well made. You know, with those old, with the urinals

you get in the man with the really big, thick, white porcelain ones. Yeah. They're like great aren't they? I like them. I'll have a piss against that. Instead they turn them into nightclubs and stuff, don't they now? Yeah, nightclubs and cocktail bars where it's like, oh, come to the toilet the place is a real shit hole.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Try our new Uncle Grumbly's ass gravy. No. No. What? Grumbly's not coming? No? Grumbly's not coming? No. Grumbly's not coming? He doesn't work with booze.

He works with... Fucking Uncle Grumbly turns up everywhere. He's not coming today. He doesn't do booze. He's not coming today. No, he's not. He's apparently still

on his... on a romantic getaway with Lady Plot Floss. Fuck him, hell, mate. Big trouble. Big trouble. Have you seen the state of...

Squishy Jew. I've never seen a man so broken. Yeah, he's vacant. Because yesterday I saw him and I was laughing at him for a bit and he looked upset. Well, he did. You know what I said to him? I said, Squishy. Yeah. I said, Jim. Yeah. I said, Squishy Jim. Because you're close to Jim, aren't you? You can call him Jim. I talked to him on the phone.

Yeah. I said, Squishy. I said, Jim. I said, Squishy Jim. Right. I said, why don't you try skating around in puke because what he misses is the squishing he misses the contact sport it's the squishing that was his whole focus that was his whole life I've said puke skating

he didn't go with that I imagine maybe headbutting mucus once you've trudden plop you never go back I said you can headbutt some mucus nah he wouldn't have gone with that. Round bus stops. I've just been looking at his Facebook page, Grumbly's Facebook page,

and they're all pictures of him and Lady Plops on the beach, and she's having a suspiciously looking brown ice cream. Chocolate. Soft serve. Just read the thing. Anyway, I'm sure we'll check in with them in a future episode where our audience care more about the characters than we do. Right, so parliamentarians who knew their history far better

than today's legislators no doubt remembered that throughout the Middle Ages and well into the 17th century, one of London's biggest problems was the lack of public loos. I imagine that's true. Before they built them all in the Victorian era, yeah. In their houses, people simply used a bucket or pot and then threw the contents into the gutter or straight into the Thames. Just out the window?

Out the window. Look out, I'm going to chuck me shit! Job done. Mad, imagine that. Just imagine what the streets smelled like. It was bad. London was probably not a great place to live. It wasn't like those Shakespearean love movies or whatever

where they're all... It's like no one ever showed Shakespeare getting a face full of liquid shit. He may well have done once or twice though. Muchapoo about nothing. Twelfth shite.

Oh God, don't. Please don't start. Romeo and Pouliere. Romeo and Poo Toilet. Richard III. It and Pooh toilet. Richard III. It's fucking right itself. We have fun.

Right, okay, so, yeah, they used to just chuck it into the Thames. There is much

evidence to suggest that many householders, this is certainly true in the aristocratic households, simply relieved themselves in the aristocratic households, simply relieve themselves in the corner of any room they happen to be in.

Crazy. It's crazy. But it's pretty much like being in this room with you. Oh, fuck. Just go piss in the corner. I do not do that. In your fucking nest. No, I'd like to say right now, no.

You've never pissed in this room. Only, only... Into a bottle. When the toilet, the one toilet in my flat has been occupied and it was a bit of an emergency. Do I get forgiveness for that?

So you've shat into a Lucas A bottle. I did not shit! I would not shit it, come on. That is a fucking line we all have to draw. It's also an art form. If you can shit directly into the neck of a bottle.

Oh, God. It means you've spent some time on the street, basically. That is Britain's Got Talent. Do you have that talent? No. I don't either. No. Anyway.

No, but Paul. I know. I haven't got a funny bladder or anything. There's nothing amusing about your bladder at all. It's very strong. All right. It stores the piss. Yes.

It stores it well. You've trained it well. It stores it. Then I go for a big piss. Don't need any more. I don't need any kind of fucking incontinence nappy, like, say, a Tenor-branded one for men. Stop mentioning Tenor.

Why has that become a thing with you? Right. Right. Mate, imagine having to wear one of those. Oh, God. Shut up. Out in the street, people relieved themselves wherever they liked. But the more delicate-minded, and of course women, found this unacceptable.

The solution was provided by human loos. Oh, you carry around a bag. These were men and women who wore voluminous black capes and carried a bucket. When you needed a loo, you looked for the nearest man or woman with a cape and a bucket and gave them a farthing. You then sat on the bucket while they stood above you, still wearing the cape, but also surrounding you with it. Wow.

That is crazy. They need those at festivals. They fucking do. That would be excellent. I would totally use one of those. I was going to say, I thought you'd be one. Eli the poo man. Eli the human toilet

Paul you made that joke at the beginning of this story It's still good though isn't it Now it's got context Well I tried to do a whole character who laughed along but you weren't having any of that Nah bollocks to you

The name of only one human lavatory has ever come down to us The court's rolls reveal that in 1191 Thomas Butcher of Cheapside was fined and admonished for overcharging his clients. Fuck. He put it up to a farthing and a half

or something. What happened was they went, don't you worry, you sit on there and I'll give you the cape. And then he puts the cape around and went,

well, I'm going to release this right now unless you give me another farthing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, I'm going to show everyone you now unless you give me another farthing otherwise I'm going to show everyone you're having a grunt in my bucket and then that's that's what you got

done for yeah probably or you know you're desperate I need to shit no one's around it goes up mate it's gone up

it's a groat well you're out here you're fucking miles from the ditch so it's either me or you're shitting the street love alright then nah I fucking stitched you up like a kipper or what if you go Yeah So it's either me Or you're shitting the street love Yeah Oh Alright then

Nah fucking Stitched you up like a kipper Or what if you go Pss pss pss pss pss pss And then go Oh He's like Oh shitting

That's extra That's extra Fucking argue He's got an emptiness Get off the pot And he goes One two three Four plops

Four plops Four plops That's another three farthings that love It's a pity I'm in a different historical era to Squishy Jim because he could come and do something. Is that that story? Yeah, that's that story. That was an actual thing?

Yeah. They could bring that back. So they don't, they just... They just cover you in the cape. They've got it here. They've got it in front of them, sort of. I mean, it's a massive cape. So I'd imagine...

But the actual bucket, is it on a sort of harness? No, they just put it on the floor. Oh, and then they... And then they... Their head is outside the cape as well. So you have privacy from them as well. Yeah. Oh, I just think that's excellent.

I don't know... That's quite practical, isn't it? It is. It suits the time, though. Have you thought about it with... No, today's technology, they'll have sort of stool... Like a poober. ...jellifiers.

Poober. Yeah. It's like, oh, I need a shit. I'll book a poober. And then a guy comes. Hello. And he could have a freaking thing. Yeah.

Like a brown police siren on his head. Yeah. And he's like, oh, God, thank you. And then you run out. And he comes in. In Glastonbury, people would use those. Nightclubs. At the end of the night in a nightclub.

You just walk out. So they're pissing in an alley. You call a poober. Yeah. It's good, that. Yeah. TM. Copy copyright Paul and Eli they could just put

more urinals up I mean they could yeah it lacks the human touch there's one I use in Shoreditch when I'm working up there yeah every time I'm there that they put up on the weekends

yeah oh a little plastic thing yeah well here you go it saves me time and I like to piss in the open air great

ahhh like that ahhh go like that no you don't oi me time and I like to piss in the open air. Great. Like that. Go like that. No, you don't. And if there's someone else on the pod with me, wink. Fucking hell, yeah. Fucking hell. I certainly

did drink some liquid earlier. Yeah, great. You've made the scene of being a bloke, eh? Pissing. You've made the scene very clear to us. Splash a splash. I love it when it splashes, I say to them. You know what? We can revisit this book again, I think, at some point.

There's a few more stories. I like that. There's a few more stories in it that I think would suit. Good cheap show grot. And also not too brief, but not too long. Like a couple of pages. No, the stories are manageable. And when you aren't going off one of your stupid, fucking stupid tangents what mate i fucking saved it from this section's been an hour

has it really yeah god oh strictly speaking two days and that is the end of Cheap Show episode 125. 125. 125. Not one to five. One to five. Not one to five. I don't know who this is. This is Baron Von Numberplate.

Fucking hell. Hello, I am Baron Von Numberplate and I am in charge of all numbers. Okay. It's good too. I own that. So it's like the count but German. Ah, yeah.

I mean, keep going. By all means, Paul. No, no. All the fun's gone now. Fucking hell. Short-lived character award. Fucking hell. That might be the shortest

we've done. No, I think the boy who was problematic is going to have to take that out. Yeah, I know. Snip was problematic you're going to have to take that out. Yeah, I know. Snip, snip. Fucking snip.

So that's Cheap Show. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon. If and so, you do and so. Shut up. Patreon. If and so and do you so. Patreon.com forward slash

Patreon. No, listen mate. No. Thwoppage. Patreon.com. We're going to have to up the game on Eli's non-existent but promised

rewards. Forward slash Cheap Show. Thwopp game on Eli's non-existent but promised rewards. Forward slash cheap show. Thwoppage. Oily bollock thwoppage. That's what I'm talking about. How much How much The secret price.

Again. So if they randomly get it right. Yeah. What if I turned around to you and said, mate, you're not going to believe this but Alan Stiff Stiff

from Chepstow He managed to get the Most people when they're trying to think of like a random like and stiff stiff from Chepstow. Most people when they're trying to think of like a random like surname will just go for

like one that actually exists but no you've gone for a weird technique of picking a word that isn't someone's name

and then doing it twice. Stiff stiff. Oh and stiff stiff. Typhonated. Fuck me. That was such poor improvising. Right, so let's say that this hypothetical normal person,

Alan Stiff Stiff. Yeah, got it right and donated £269.78. And it was like, oh shit, that's the right one. You'd have to do it. Do the bollock. You'd have to do it. Oiled bollock thwoppage. Yes. Hairy, oiled bollock thwoppage. Yeah, you can carry on saying it. I'd like to. Could I say it a few more times?

Go on. Thwoppage. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to Cheap Show. No, no, no. I've got an answer. I've got an answer for you. It won't happen. The reason it won't happen is because I've made the whole thing up and there is no actual donation price. Good, so let's move on.

I don't know about the mechanics of Patreon, but I don't think you can do cents. You don't know anything about this show outside of when we record in this fucking room. You can't put cents on the dollar, can't you? You can't go, I want to do a dollar and 20. But that was just my fucking point. So the whole thing falls apart.

Unless you get a visit from the thwoppage expert Oh god I come round and I just case the joint I'll have like a I just want to end the episode

Uniform I just want to end the episode No but just play out this little thing Imagine you're Alan Stiff Stiff Yeah

I'll come round the house Come round here Yeah I'll go round there I'll go round there You come round here here. Yeah, I'll go round there. Come round there. I'll go round there. You come round here. Oh, ding dong. Yeah. Come to the door.

Hello. Hello, just doing a check. Hello, I'm Alan. Yeah. Got any low windows? No, no. The lowest we've got really. I can see one there though, sir.

What's that? That's a window, isn't it? That's a cat flap. You have very large cats? Yeah, I do. They're Bengal. They're tigers? Yeah.

Well, I've got a guide for that. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, you keep him away. I've heard what he does. I'll get my Viagra guy. No, you're not doing that.

We're not having him around here. Thwoppage! Running around! Thwopping! And then I'm running off! Right, what a waste of money from my point of view. But look at this sort of stork margargarine style oil splat that's left. The thwoppage print of an expert.

Thank you. Thanks for listening everybody. The very sound of your balls squeaking along a pane of glasses. Thwopping. For that. Right. We're on Twitter. Please join us on the conversation there. Why not? At the Cheap Show pod and at Paul Gannon's

show. He is Eli Snowid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Email us Why not? At the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show. He is... Eli Snowid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Email us anything you want at thecheapshow at gmail.com. And we're on Facebook and Tumblr and all Instagram and everything. So just find us on there. And pictures accompanying this episode is at thecheapshow.co.uk. Have you taken those already? Yeah.

Good. Yeah. Because I've thrown them away. No, I know. Took all the pictures. Don't you worry about it. And that's it. So thank you. We're back next week for more all the pictures. Don't you worry about it. And that's it. So, thank you.

We're back next week for more. Thanks very much, everybody. Cheap laughs. And we look forward to seeing you again. Bye. Bye. What were you going to say then? You little shit.

I was just going to say something about how shit you were. Obviously. Just stop the thing. All right.