CheapShow - Ep 126: Random Craptor

Episode Date: May 10, 2019

CheapShow has often been described as a little bit "random", so let's go full on random by introducing a BRAND NEW FORMAT (that definitely isn't ripping off other similar ideas on YouTube)! Paul & Eli delicately introduce the "Random Craptor (Pick N Mix Edition)" this week in an effort to spice up the show. It really doesn't work. There are 8 mystery objects in a bag that will be randomly investigated based on the whim of the Spinning Wheel of Tat. Only five items will get to see the limelight, but which five? Suffice it to say, as a result, the cheap chaps will wrap their tongues around "Mr and Mrs Egg", taste a fizzy cola treat, slurp on Yogurt Jelly and go full on filthy with an explosive, bawdy finale... and there is an all new "Tales from the Dance Floor" too... Which is nice! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-126-random-craptor If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

In all its inflections. My voice, my voice, my voice is so nice. My voice in all its reflections. What's that? I was singing, mate. Is that singing? Come on. I can't start yet.

I have to go and do some stuff. What? I've started, though. Where are you going? I can tell you start because you're doing this stupid voice. I'm doing my cheap show voice. Oh, fuck off. Go on. What do you need to do? I've started, though? Where are you going? I can tell you've started because you're doing this stupid voice. I'm doing my Cheap Show voice. Oh, fuck off. Go on, what do you need to do? I can pause it.

I need to find my orange book anyway. Pause it then, yeah? Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Paul Gannon. It's the Comedy Comedy Podcast. Economy Comedy Podcast. We go through the bargain bins, the pound lands, and the charity shops of Great Britain and beyond to bring you the treasure in the trash, the wonders in the wastelands.

And this is the first time I've managed to do an intro to Cheap Show without that little hairy prick ruining it. So it's worked out, hasn't it, this intro? Oh, I'm very happy with myself. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to fucking accept. Noodle time.

Tales from the dance floor How's the bit go? The fight of the shite This is called Gun and Take Hello Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Have you finished fannying around now? Hey, hey, hey.

Ow! What did you do? Fuck, ow! What did you do, mate? I just sat on my finger. You sat on it? Yeah, and it went the wrong way. You know when a finger is meant to bend that way, and it did.

Mate, can you let me see it? It's fine. It's fine. Ah. Give it a... Ah. I want to see it fully flexed. You exaggerate.

Look, you're laughing. No, it hurt like fucking mad. You seem to recover extremely fast from that. Yeah, well, I'm a man. I'm a man. You seem to recover extremely fast from that. Yeah, well, I'm a man. And man not how to recover. Hello, I've done the intro anyway. So do you want to say something asinine? So you've done all the whole boring...

Yeah. The whole... Welcome to Cheap Show, blah, blah, blah. Fanning around in charity shops. Did you mention, though, Jumble Sales? No. Or Bazaars? No.

Well, I want... Fucking, we've had this. We've gone over this one thing I want mentioned in the intro yeah yeah bazaars

you've never said that before in your life there's a small there's a small tranche of things Brianna you're listening to this you've gone through with evidence you'll tell me

if he's mentioned bazaars on at least more than one occasion Paul jumble sales you've been passionate about well that's what I was coming on to that if you just yeah just for a second okay before the source report i just want to say something yeah you didn't mention anything about the source report the source report flies i think a lot of people are to be fair ambivalent to the source report i really do think so the parallels with brexit go, don't they? No, there's no parallels.

I think there is. No. It's an independent movement within Cheap Show. For source. Anyway. Shouldn't be my fault. Here is the small tranche of things I demand in the intro. Yeah.

Small tranche of two. Tranche being your new popular word after poultice. It's going to stick. Do you know what? My use of the word tranche is going to stick to the wall of Cheap Show like a poultice full of super glue. You lazy man. What do you mean lazy?

You creatively lazy man. I just imagined a whole thing with a poultice sticking to a wall as a way of supporting my word tranche. What have you brought? What have you brought? What have you brought? Nothing. Anyway, the other one's

Jumble Sales. Ladies and gentlemen. I want Jumble Sales mentioned in the fucking intro. Boys and girls of all ages, welcome to the

Cheap Show Podcast. It's where me and Eli have a bit of fun in the House of Pickles. In the House of Pickles. That's particularly depressing and irksome

today. It is. You've opened the window to try and brighten the mood, but all you've done is cast a stark light on the misery that is the House of Pickles. It's dusty. You said before it's like a Collier's Mansion. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Which episode is that? I'll come in. You need fucking Rihanna to tell you that, do you? Ooh, get you. Well, what episode is it? You should have that all in your hand. So we can go reference. All right, then. Tell me what episode is it? You should have that all in your hand. So we can go reference.

All right then. Tell me what episode we first did Don't Get Mad. I don't fucking know. Why should I know then? Because you're the founder of Cheap Show. Oh, I see. So I have to know everything inside and out. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. I don't though. No, you don't. Well, I know you don't. I don't. Whether you should, it's not whether you do. It's whether you should.

Whether you don't. Well, I know you don't. I don't. Whether you should, it's not whether you do, it's whether you should. Whether you ought to. And so the spiral of misery that this fucking podcast is swirls round and round. Oh, now you're going on Negi. It's Negi Paul. Swirling down the plug hole of existence. First it was just rude Paul, now it's Negi Paul. And now look at us. Look at us.

I know. I feel grotty. You are grotty. Oh, fuck off. Welcome to the show. What have we got coming up? fuck off welcome to the show what we got coming up well today on the show we're going to do something a little bit different aren't we oh yes so we like to we haven't done my uh we'll get just give it to beba all right okay yes how did you say that thing on the awards show? You went, okay, very baby, or something like that.

Okay, baby. Or something like that. I don't know. Okay, baby. That was a good moment for you. Really? That, me saying that? I like that bit where you went, okay, baby.

I like it. Great. Okay, little baby. All right? Yeah. No, you say. Can I explain what's going on in the show before you? Yeah, say that.

Just say, go back and say, okay, here's what's going on on the show, and I'll do a little. All right, okay. So, ladies and gentlemen, here's what's coming on in the show before you... Yeah, say that. Just say, go back and say, okay, here's what's going on on the show, and I'll do a little... All right, okay. So, ladies and gentlemen, here's what's coming up on the show today. Okay, baby. That's all. That's all I wanted to do.

Really? Yeah. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Mr. Silverman. Fuck off. When you said, I'm going to do a little thing, and you did a little hand gesture that showed promise, I thought it was going to be a whole...

What do you mean, a hand gesture showed promise? You did like a kind of... It was moving towards your crotch. No, it wasn't. That's it. This is all a pretext for me wanking you off one day. You boring man. You boring man.

Right. On the show today, we'll do something a little bit different. We're mixing up Cheap Show. Almost literally. We're going to do, what do we call it? We can call it the dirty disc or I always call it the random craptor. Craptor is not good. call it the random craptor? Craptor, not good. What about...

The random craptor. That's grown on me in a two-second gap. I've just... Used to realise what it's a pun on. Yeah. I like it. Random factor, random craptor. Or, you know, wheel of the worst.

Yeah, but that's an actual thing, isn't it? That's what we're nicking. But it's not bad. It's not necessarily bad stuff. No. It could be good stuff. The idea is we bought... It's like a... What's those? Pick and mix, isn't it but it's not bad it's not necessarily bad stuff no it could be good stuff the idea is it's like a uh what's those pick and mix isn't it it's a pick and mix oh it's a froth shop pick and mix episode how about we just call it the pick and mix episode yes so it's so i came up with that thank you so yeah that's the name yeah random crafter pick a mix

edition yes yeah pick and pick a mix edition yes pick a mix edition pick and mix and mix edition Random Craptor Pick and Mix Edition. Yes. Yeah. Pick and Mix Edition. Yes. Pick and Mix Edition. Pick and Mix Edition. Pick and Mix Edition. I don't know why I was dropping that. So, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Tube Show's Random Craptor Pick and Mix Edition. Have you got music? Put music in there. I'm going to put music in. We bought eight things, random.

Could represent any part of Cheap Show. Food, toys, games, books. Music. Music. Could be anything. Could be anything. But Eli doesn't know what I've got, and I don't know what Eli's got. But we've got a little spinning disc. And when we spin it like this. Oh, it's spinning.

It will land on one of eight segments. And then we will pull out that segment. I've got them written down on my piece of paper here. And we will discuss. It's not a segment, though, is it? Well, it's a segment of a circle. It's a colour. Yeah, but it's a segment of a circle.

It will land on a colour. Yeah, a segment. Yes, it represents a segment of that circle, but only practically because the pointer... All I'm saying, Paul, all I'm saying is, let's keep the word segment pure. Yeah? As in chunky. You know?

As in chunky segment, as in a segment of the show. All right, okay, all right. God knows we had all that fucking confusion with what's a game, what's a segment, and what's a whole show format. This is just making the water murkier. Well, I know, I know. If you call those segments the colours

which select these things for this special edition random crap to pick and mix edition, then someone will call what segment, they'll say. Oh my God, my brain hurts. What segment? My brain hurts, shut up. So don't be messing up shit by saying segment too much.

All right, so it's part of a circle. It will land on a colour. It will land on a colour. Land on a piece of pie colour. Which is represented on the thing by a colour. All right. We'll spin the wheel and whatever colour it lands on,

you have a corresponding item. Craptor item. Yes. And then we'll investigate and talk and enjoy. All right. I don't know if I'll ever enjoy anything again. Oh. Right, so that's what this is coming down to. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, at this point in the show,

Eli has, get this, hold your pants on, madam. What? It's time for a ta-ta-ta-tales from the da-da-da-da-dance floor. A ta-tales from the dance floor? Well, we've not had one of those in a while. We certainly haven't, Paul, and I think you'll see some familiar aspects and also a bit of a new twist on this one. I'm excited. Usually I'm not, but, you know, it's nice to go down memory lane.

So I was working, really. I was working during the day as well as DJing in the nights this weekend. D-d- it, do it, do it. I'm trying to fight that. Don't say that. I'm trying to fight that. Don't do that. It was the Blues Kitchen, so. Come on. We'll just do a blues version of it. No, it's all right.

And then you can get it out. No, it's fine. It's out. I'll get it out. I'll get it out. You know, there's that miniature harmonica you gave me.

You can play along with that. No, it's fine. Just tell the story. I want to do it now. Just tell the story. Oh, no. You see? It comes from you. Don't say do-do-do-do-do after I. Just tell the story. I want to do it now. Just tell the story. Oh, now you see? It comes from you. Don't say da-da-da-da-da after

I say the first thing. I'm going to do my best. So, on the weekend, I was... What? I want to do it now. Oh, God. On the weekend, I was working during the day as well as DJing. So, I was very tired. All I'm trying to say is i was tired yeah because you've been working on

the movie i've been working on the movie the movie was stood i'm not in yeah anyway because they didn't know didn't secure that particular location yeah until late they couldn't avoid a clash with me dj because right yeah so. So you were quite anxious about it, I seem to remember. I was quite anxious because I was having to work. Whinging. Absolute whinging about it, you were. Three whole days of shooting and then DJing until early in the hours in the morning. Get up the next day, shoot all day, do the thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, just don't forget that he would also be drinking and taking some drugs during the evenings. So he's going to compound his issues, isn't he? His day's getting worse and more tired because you yourself are pulling yourself. I only got drunk on the first night and the third night. Right, well, there you go. The in-between night, which is the most important.

You were hungover. One of the days. Yeah. But not on the important last day. Unprofessional cunt. Fuck off, whatever, right? I'm in the fucking, I'm DJing, yeah? Yeah.

And it's before the first band comes on to play classic rock and blues because it's the Blues Kitchen. That's what you know. So your first set is a bit more throwaway. You experiment more, don't you, in that first segment? Segment?

Oh, I'm sorry. Section. The first set, I'd describe it as. The first set of the night is a little bit more kind of loosey-goosey. Well, at first, but then as they turn the lights down. You've got to stop playing. And you want people arriving for the gig, so to speak.

You want to, you know. Give them something a bit more familiar. Well, no. As a point of professional pride, I want to start playing more up-tempo, sort of R&B stuff. Yeah, so they get dancing. They get dancing. Oh, I reckon that was that one.

Sometimes it works. It's a technique I've developed over the years. Yeah. usually sort of switch to more r&b which has got that faster pace right imagine yeah than like funk or soul generally yeah so i'll switch from that into r&b right and then usually you get people who will dance to even stuff that isn't that familiar because they're still in the rhythm they're still still bouncing along. And that, I think, just to be serious for one second, is truly what a DJ needs to do. If you rely totally on just playing tunes that people recognise, you're just doing capital gold.

Exactly. And also, if you just stick it on a preset playlist on your iPod or whatever, there's no sense of development, discovery. Yes. You know what I mean? Judging the room. Judging know what i mean judging the room judging the room judging the room people make a big deal of but and i think it's much more of a factor when people are actually djing in dance clubs with electronic dance music then you really have

to read the crowd which is not what i do but there is a certain extent of reading the crowd in what i do because i select the tunes that are going to come. So I think keep the tempo high, whatever. So there's a group of young ladies dancing, some young men dancing around. They're all dancing. And the sound guy is behind the desk with me. We're having a little chat. He likes to deal cryptocurrency. Oh, so he doesn't take drugs then or something?

No, he doesn't deal drugs. Cryptocurrency. Does he? He likes to tell me about his cryptocurrency deals. How boring. I don't want to get into that. I'm not making a judgment. But fuck.

Yes. Boring. And this girl comes up. Yeah. And she goes, oh, play some garage. Yeah, play some garage. Play some garage. Some garage?

Yeah. And then she goes this gem of a line it's all gone a bit old school what do you mean it's all gone a bit old school

it's a fucking club built on the idea of going old school but she's talking she's sort of addressing the sound guy first yeah and he goes

classic what Paul Gannon technique what you always want to do yeah you always suggest to me I should do in these situations is what

is to say just say yeah and get rid of us we'll do that he totally did that he kept putting his thumbs up and saying yeah

we'll do it great yeah good idea we'll do it and then she kept on a bit and sort of going yeah you know

garage you know because it's all a bit old school you know we're here to have a good time and then I was just like it's my blood

it's not it's going and then I just just like it's my blood it's not fucking boring oh it's going and then I just sort of went no all like that no no no

I won't be playing Garage wow do you know what I mean it's a fucking blues kitchen love do you know what I mean Paul it doesn't say it's the Garage kitchen

it doesn't say it's the fucking your nostalgia from your fucking sweet 16 birthday party back in fucking 2006 when garage was a thing. Then what happened?

She went and the sound guy said look I had it under control she was just going to leave. And then I said to him but I don't I'm just wanting to point out to her

how much of a moron she is. You know what I mean? And I think that encapsulates the two sort of attitudes and why I struggle. Because I just want to say, no, just understand something about the world. Do you know what I mean? To these people. Do you think it's just some kind of sense of privilege where she thinks

she deserves to have that music played for some weird reason? Well, they do. That's it. I'm not, I don't want to single her out. She was particularly annoying. But it's a general attitude where it's just like, it's humanity itself, Paul. Everyone's inside their own universe. And there is that cognitive, that delusion that everyone suffers from

where they think that they are more important than they are or they think people are paying more attention to them than they actually are. Do you see what I mean? So people will be embarrassed about something on their face. But if you ask everyone else in the room, it's like, I didn't notice. You know what I mean?

Or something like that. But that plays out, I think, when people are in a sort of dance. He's looking at the clock. Yeah, I'm getting bored. On a dance floor. Yeah. And they're thinking, I'm not enjoying or you know or worse they think

i want i've got a better idea yeah about what yeah i'm gonna we've said this before it's like the person who goes i'm gonna change the whole vibe of this night by putting my selection on yeah and everyone's gonna hear it and go what a mind-blowing moment but it's just the lose this guy yeah and then you'll sit in the corner and point to yourself and say I put Cotton Eye Joe on yes there's that whole control thing there's a privilege thing

and there's also this weird where people because of one tune or whatever I'm playing and some association in their head that is personal to them alone

they'll think of another tune and then they'll think oh that'll be a good one no matter what it's pace is or whatever they just think do you know what I mean because I've related by some sort of deeply personal and subjective that would be a good one. No matter what its pace is or whatever, they just think, do you know what I mean?

Because I've related by some sort of deeply personal and subjective like chain of thoughts. Yeah. I've come up with this other tune. That's the one I should ask for. It's a whole different thing.

Anyways, Tales from the Dance Floor, thanks very much. we certainly had lots to think about, didn't we, boys and girls, in that particular segment. Right,

let's get on with some fucking shit. Let's start playing the random crap,fter Pick and Mix. Pick and Mix edition. Something a little bit different on Cheap Show now. We're going to play the random crafter pick and mix. Eli's got how many things did you bring out of the eight we needed to bring? Two.

The answer's two. Because? You did nothing. You didn't want me to find the other things I brought, which was from an aborted Price of Shine session from the other day. I didn't. I'm peeling back the foreskin on the show again. Yeah.

Well, it's all right. It's going to be a picture of me Should we cut it off now that it's peeled back? No Just stay away from penis stuff for a while Alright? Oh my god She doth protest too much

Oh dear Stay away from penis stuff Just for a bit Alright Let's see if we can go a while before you suggest being jacked off or jacking off or jacking me off. I'll rephrase what I said then. Yeah. We're peeling back the beef curtain on this a bit.

Great. Parting the meaty beef flaps. Oh, you like this? You like this now? Well, it's a bit... Can I just say, little visual, so you can imagine us here, ladies and gentlemen, I'm holding an empty punnet of mushrooms in my crotch. Well, and gentlemen i'm holding an empty punnet of mushrooms in my crotch well no it's not empty punnet of mushrooms just an empty punnet but

it once held mushrooms well there you go yeah but still it could have been used for anything could have been strawberries well no i think you got you don't you get these black plastic ones for more mushroomies oh god this podcast. Anyway, it's on my crotch. Just imagine that. Okay, good. Can I spin the thing? No, go on. What other witty things do you want to add? It's not witty.

It's real. It's real life, mate. Also, you mentioned your crotch, which is penis bound. It's already. You're ready. Penis bound. I wish I was. Cork bounded down.

Okay, let's spin it. Seven inches of loving. I tire of you. Cock bounding down. Okay, let's spin it. Seven inches of loving. I tire of you. You're going to suck old seven baby down. Paul Goodes. It's got a long way to suck. And there's no time to suck it. I've cock bound and chugged that sticky candy down.

Paul. What? Stop. I got sucked off by a lady. By a lady. By a lady. She named Pam. Oh, she had magic use of her hands. Think of it fast enough.

You improvise a fucking horrible song that you regret doing the minute you started. Okay, then. I've got empty panic upside down. It's hard, isn't it? Say what you see. At least I got out those words. Spin the dial. Right, we have red, green, blue, orange,

purple, pink, yellow, and a mix. That's the last section of the circle. Paul, say that bit again. No, it's fine. There's eight colours. You said... Seven colours. Seven colours. Paul? There's seven? Yeah. Eight. Well, There's seven colours. Seven colours. Paul?

There's seven? Yeah. Eight. Well, there's seven colours, but one of them's like a mix. See that one? So I've just called that the mix section. Oh, it's a mix colour. Yeah.

But that represents, okay. One. So you see what I'm getting at. I see what you're getting at. Now, Paul, we are going to do how many items from a list of possible eight? We're going to do, how many spins are we going to do? Six spins? We'll see how we go for time. Okay. All right. At least four to do? Six spins? We'll see how we go for time. Okay.

All right. At least four. At least four, but we'll see how we go for time. If we get to a certain point... Who gets to spin first?

I'm going to spin first. All right. Here we go. Spin, spin, spin the wheel. Oh, that's fucking Bob. At least you caught yourself. Yeah. Here we go.

Orange. Orange. Let's see what's under orange. Orange Orange Let's see what's under orange It's Mr Egg So where's me bag? There So In the past We have done Knock Off Kinder

Remember Knock Off Kinder? We did a Mario Nintendo licensed one Didn't we recently? That was terrible But we also did The Freddo Treasure Chest. True. And we did the Toto Eggs.

You liked the Freddo Treasure Chest. It was a lot of fun. That's quite hard to say, Freddo Treasure Chest. Freddo Treasure Chest. Isn't it? Yeah. You fucked up there. And so?

Freddo Treasure Chest. Freddo Treasure Chest. There you go. There we go. Just put some effort in. Your mouth works all right, mate. Anyway, I was in this pound shop the other day. You got some eggs.

And it's a thing called Mr Egg and there's a blue and a pink one. So you can have pink. Okay. I'll have blue. And it's like... Oh, this is Mrs Egg? Yeah.

Are you trying to tell me something? No, it's just... Why are these gendered? These are offensive. No, they're not. This is Mrs and it's pink. You're telling me that's not offensive?

Well... What's that? Mr. Mr. Blue Mr. Egg These are gendered eggs These are gendered eggs Paul I'm just saying they're gendered They are clearly gendered

Yeah Right So you know there's Kinder Egg But then they also have that Kinder other thing Do they have Mrs. Kinder? Do they have Kinder Girl? No Yeah they do

They release Kinder Egg toys That have blue and pink wrapping so that you can get a barbie one in one kinder egg and then like a car transformer in the other this is much more so these are of a copy of kinder gendered stereotypical signifiers of what contains inside the egg so i'm gonna get a girl's toy and i'm gonna get a boy's toy okay now i like the packaging don't you it's a little googly-eyed egg, man. It's not too bad. I just can't help thinking of all the dead species in the ocean. Biscuit bites on milky and cocoa creams with a surprise toy.

Okay, so it's not just a chocolate thing, white chocolate inside like a kinder. So let's split the plastic coating. Careful you don't destroy it because you need to take photos for everyone to see, which will be available on the website. Thecheapshow.co.uk. There we go Careful you don't destroy it because you need to take photos for everyone to see. I know. Which will be available on the website. Thecheapshow.co.uk There we go. I can't split my egg. Oh, there's a spoon in here.

Like you're getting a little ice cream. Well, no. It's like that other Kinder product, which is like a Kinder egg, but it comes in a plastic thing like this. I can't remember if it's called Kinder Magic or Kinder whatever, but either way it's like a different way of eating Kinder and having a toy. Oh, here we go. So it's split into two. I've split the egg.

I've split the egg into two halves. And each half is covered with a bit of cellophane with little question marks. Rather reminiscent of the Riddler's question marks, aren't they? Yes, they are. But in orange. Because they're quite fluted. Right. So each section is a little section in itself, which we need to peel back the thing.

They're not segments. They're sections. And one of these egg halves has a little. Is that a spoon? What is that, Paul? It's a little section in itself, which we need to peel back the thing. They're not segments. They're sections. And one of these egg halves has a little... Is that a spoon? What is that, Paul? It's a little spoon type thing. A little wide spoon. A little wide spoon.

Just for spooning egg into my mouth. Yeah, or whatever's in the egg. Before we get to the toy, let's try out the food first. Well, which one do we know? Is that the heavier one? Shake it. Clumsy wank. So that one won't be it.

Shake the other egg. Yeah, it's got the toy in. Are you sure? Yeah, because that shouldn't move. I want you to double check this for me. That feels like the chocolate to me. No, there's still a bit of a wiggle to it, which this one won't. But this is so light, it feels like there's nothing in.

Yeah, the same as this. I reckon it's that. Anyway, I'm going to peel open. Well, this is the one the spoon had on it. The spoon's on the chocolate, isn't it? Oh. No, this is the one the spoon had on it. If the spoon's on the chocolate, isn't it? Oh. No, this is the toy. I said that.

Fuck it. No, you didn't. I said the one with the spoon attached. Is the toy. With the toy on it. So there you go. I've opened it up. Wow, it's got biscuits and everything.

This is better than a Kinder. Hang on. Let me... It looks like Nutella. There's a two-tone, a chocolate half and a sort of white half with little, very small, nut-shaped biscuit bits. I'm going in, Paul. I've dropped two of these biscuits on the floor already.

God almighty. Right, I'm going to use... Which one are you using? Are you using the wide bit to scoop? Yeah. Oh, okay. They're a bit like those biscuits you get in, you know, choc Oh, okay. They're a bit like those biscuits you get

in, you know, choc dip. They're totally like that. What's it like? But they're little nipples, aren't they, or buttons. Not unpleasant.

Tastes very much like Nutella, doesn't it? A bit milkier. It's very milky. It's alright. You can handle that. You've got an aversion

to white chocolate. I only had a little bit of the white chocolate bit. It's alright, to be fair. There's a pound each. No, it's two for a pound. 50p for that? Yeah. There's a coconut-y

almost taste to it. I've lost my toy. Vanilla. Yeah. Very vanilla-y. It doesn't have a really nice aftertaste, but it's fine. It's okay. What toy have you got? I'm going to open it up now. I'm peeling my other flap. Oh!

It's a little bike. Oh, that's very similar to a kinder. You know that little bike that has a little... It doesn't. Does it have one of those? Yeah, it has a little kind of... Stuart would know the name of that. A little engine-y thing, like a... No, it doesn't. Other way. See? And that means it runs

it runs along the flat surface clear a space alright I'm going I'm clearing a space clear the egg halves here we go oh it keeps

if you don't get it I know but you're meant to just rev it aren't you oh didn't work I know because you're meant to rev it on the table not actually

no forward alright you are like a monkey shut up it is like watching I know, because you're meant to rev it on the table, not actually... No. Forward. All right. You are like a monkey. Shut up! It is like watching a monkey trying to figure this out. Fuck off. Here it goes.

It doesn't work, Paul. It's not very good. No, but at least it... It doesn't work, Paul. There it goes. Oh, almost. It went then. Oh, it works better on paper than the table.

It does, yeah. Watch. He's going to jump off the book. I bet he doesn't. I bet he doesn't make it. Oh, he did make it. It's not bad at all. He did a jump there.

Well, we're having lots of fun. Are we going to call him Evil Grenievel? Evil Grenievel. With a screen? Yeah, I guess. He's Evil Grenievel. Evil Grenievel, the bike man. I don't know how he sounds.

Go on. I'll let you have this one. I'll interview Evil Grunevil. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go to Eli Silverman, who's now interviewing the famous stunt bike-o-man. Bike-o-man. Bike stunt man. Bike-o-man.ikel Oh I love it

Oh I love it Paul Bikel man Shut up Evil Green Evil Here I am with Evil Green Evil Now Evil that was a You must be tired We'll just have you for a minute here

That was a great jump Off the notepad There And Some of us didn't believe You were going to do it Not me I always had faith in

you have you got any words for the fans evil hello all your characters begin with hello i mean at least they introduced themselves hello i'm evil gnavel and uh i just don't sound like bobby no no it's kind of it's one of our four voices, ladies and gentlemen. It's my pitch. She's my Eva Grunewald. Oh, okay. Hello, I'm Eva Grunewald. Yeah? Yes, so I enjoyed that.

And I'll go back to my home, which is a big plastic egg. And I'll be planning for my next jump, which might be off a notepad of a different dimension. Right. I'm going to go. I'm very tired. Eva Grunewald, goodbye. There he is very tired. Evil, good and evil. Goodbye. There he is, Paul. Evil, good and evil. He's gone off to his plastic egg house.

There you go. What's your toy, then? It's my time for my toy. I wonder if I'll get... I've lost my toy! Oh, no! Oh, no! You've stolen my toy! How have I stolen it? It's there on the floor

It fell out What's that? I've got it This is literally like doing a podcast with a monkey today Here it is What is it? I don't know I think it's some

Jewellery Plastic jewellery that you're meant to Make yourself Here I'm handing some of it to you, Paul. Yeah, it's a bracelet. So that clips into that. These are pieces of plastic which all have words. No, they're all the same.

They all say magic. Fashion bracelet. That's what it is. Oh, hang on. You've just got to snap it together. It's fucking tiny, though. Well, it's for small people. You mean children?

Yeah. Yeah, it is for children. Or small people. You clip them all together, and then you can wear it. I can't get it to click satisfactorily. Fashion bracelet. Oh, there, it's clicked. Oh, it's clicked now.

It's got a good clicking effect. Yeah, you like it. Satisfying... Oh, I like things that click, yes. Don't you? Yeah. In and on. I mean, we both have one of those fidget cubes, don't we?

Yeah, I like that. Because you like clicking with the buttons and tickling it. It clicks and I like clicking it. Yeah I like clicking it. What's your favourite

part of the fidget cube? The clicky bits. Well no which specific one? The numbers. I mean the dice front.

The dice bit. It's like five. Yeah. I like the light switch one. I'll get into that. If you press your thumb real hard down

on it you get the clicky click. And I also like the little silver ball that I can spin. Yes. Oh, it's nice. I like the whole thing.

I think it's a good thing. And I'd like to see different higher models, you know, more advanced with all different things. I can't click. Do the last click. Here, do the last click. Oh, God. There we go. There it is.

God, you're weak. You couldn't press that in. Oh, shut up. Do you have the fingers of a lady, sir? If I'm a... Fuck off. If I'm a monkey, I'm strong, aren't I? So what am I?

Am I a monkey or a weakling or what am I? You're a weak monkey. You're one of those monkeys in a Tesla that's been injected every day with sulfuric acid into its brain stem. And it's like... I don't know what monkey sound would make but like it gets makeup

in its face and it gets sprayed with brute and old spice this is a working bracelet it's tiny for tiny wrists now what do we think

the girl toy was better or the boy toy I mean there's not much play action with the bracelet well well he evil grunevil

jumped off a notebook against all odds. Right? Remember that? You doubted him. I doubted he'd make it. And he fucking made a lovely little jump of it. Yeah, but this is a bracelet.

But, you know. The boys' toy is better, isn't it? I mean, there's more play to it. All right, good. You're enjoying that, then. Little biscuit bits. Great. It is like doing an episode with a fucking monkey today.

It really is. I'm thinking about it. Don't snot Take that out People don't like it when I snot on the microphone I don't like it when you do it It's because you made me laugh and I had something in my mouth Right well that's that segment done then

Let's spin the wheel Did you say segment again? I don't fucking know This is a minefield I don't like Listen get your act together Are we stopping after each spin of the thing? Yes I don't fucking know why this is a minefield I don't like listen get your act together are we stopping after each spin of the thing

yes because then when I edit and I see I only have to edit 15 minutes at a time as opposed to 45 minutes at a time my heart doesn't die as much

alright see you on the next spin give me the spinner right so we've done... Let me cross off orange. Cross off orange. Mr Egg. What did you think of Mr Egg out of ten?

Six. It's not bad for two for fifty. You know what I mean? For what it is. What kind is more expensive than that? Yeah. Because they've got brand recognition. Spin the wheel.

Orange. We'll spin it again then. Fucking hell. How many times is this going to happen? Could happen a lot. Could happen a lot. Blue. Blue!

And blue. Ooh! This might be a nice treat. So in the same Poundland that I saw... Not Poundland. It was like Pound Bargain Shop. You know, where it's just one of those ones in a centre. I've got one called Moominland next to nearby.

That's right, yeah. So, same place I got that, I found this bag of candy. And in exchange for the usual programming, this might be something quite nice. Okay. This is £1 for a bag. This is made in Italy. Sweetie Cola

Caramelle Frisanti Cola Sparkling Candies. These seem to be Hot boiled sweets Hard boiled sweets But cola flavoured Now what's your feeling Towards cola as a flavour?

Depending on where it is I don't mind Like some fizzy sweets Or Jolly Ranchers type things Or some gums Gummies Really nice Like cola bottles

We should say Now that we're talking about sweets To everybody Who might be interested, Paul, we tried, didn't we, some... Ketamine. Lifesavers. But chewies.

Oh, no. What are they called? Jolly Ranchers. Chewies. Do you know what I mean? Yes. They were very nice. Should we get some more of those and do them on the show?

Well, yeah. I mean, for the froth shot, we can get away with it, but they're not very cheap, were they? I don't remember them being cheap. They weren't particularly cheap, but they were fucking lovely. They weren't expensive. Even now I'm salivating thinking about them. They were like Chew-It, Chew-It consistency,

but with Jolly Rancher flavour. And Jolly Rancher, for all the shit people give, mostly us, America, with their candy flavours and candy textures, you can't go wrong with Jolly Ranchers. I've yet to have a Jolly Rancher brand thing that doesn't taste beautiful. You know, it's candy and it's shit, but the flavours are always really there.

I love a fizzy cola bottle, me. Me too. I love a fizzy cola bottle. But did you ever, growing up, used to have, like, flat juice cans and you'd have orange flat juice and you'd have, like, lemon, but there's always like cola flat flavour

no I never saw that this is really fascinating to me so when I when I was growing up my mum would go to like there was a flat cola one yeah like you know like

you'd get so you'd go to Iceland there'd be like a pack of six like these plastic things that were all together you'd snap them apart I know what you're talking about so there was a cola flavour

but it was but it was not fizzy it was flat and you put the straw in and it tastes exactly as you imagine. Like cheap, panda pop, flat cola. Horrible. Very kind of...

Not like thick, but... I don't know. Syrupy. Syrupy. Whereas the orange ones and the lemon ones are usually fine. Because they've got that kind of citrusy that sort of offsets the sweet,

sickly... Sweetener. Yeah. Kind of thing. But that always... That's what Coca-Cola puts this special acidic stuff in to make it not sickly.

Do you know that? No, I did not know that. So it has that kind of... It's some kind of acid, acetic sort of acid stuff, which if you just didn't have that in the Coke, it would be unbelievably sickly. Well, that's why you get Pepsi.

Pepsi is very sickly. Yes. Whereas Cola, I mean, can be refreshing. I've never found Pepsi refreshing because you google it and you go... Yeah, it's too much. But the Coke does something to offset that, which is unique to them, I think. Whatever they do.

But you know what? Back in the health food shop days, they had this stuff called Gusto Cola, which is like a healthy alternative cola. I've never heard of it. And I used to remember I used to like that yeah and i saw it in the hipster shop around here the other day i had a bottle of it i thought that's fucking lush really yeah it's really nice huh yeah they still make gusto cola they don't call it cola on the bottle just call it gusto yeah but

i know it's it is cola is it an energy? No. Because you think with a name like Gosto. It's like that Fentimans Botanical Cola but better. But better. I always You know what? We should get some do a fucking fizzy pop thing.

Yeah we have done. Do you remember we tasted all the different colas? Yes. And it was Sainsbury's and cola and Pepsi. But we should just get some in and taste it.

Do you know what I used to like? What? Virgin cola. I thought virgin cola was nice. Yeah it was. It was alright now. Back to the pick and mix Oh yeah This is quite a literal

Pick and mix Because we're talking About this Because we're just About to taste Sweetly Sweetly cola flavour Sweetly cola caramel frittante

So does that mean It's going to be Slightly caramelly It's going to be Slightly like milky I think caramel Is what gives it That colour anyway

Oh yeah I think it's the colour Do you know what I fucking love about, and this is by a group, sorry to interrupt you, by a company called Licking. Liking. Licking.

Well, it's probably Licking, but I think it's Licking This. We will be Licking This. And you know what? I look at the little wrapper it comes in, because everyone's in a different little individual wrapper, and it's those purples. It's that purpley red, that crimson color that we you know what this is giving you a

nostalgia this has given me a really weird nostalgia moment where i can think back to a caravan in wales with a holiday that i've been on with a friend of mine and you had something like this did you know it's something like this but just don't come in i'm opening uh surprise time don't come in i'm frightened i'm all alone in a car can i Don't come in. I'm frightened. I'm all alone in a cabin. Can I? He's coming in. Can I just click you back into the moment?

Look at the surprise. It's not brown. It's not fucking brown, mate. It's white. It's white. These cola-flavoured, so cold, cola-flavoured, hard-boiled sweets are white. You've got nothing. You've got nothing. You've got nothing.

I'm going to taste it. I mean, it doesn't matter what the colour is, we find it tastes nice, right? The huff is, there's definitely a cola huff. The huff's good. Do you think it's got a sherbet in? It could have a fizzy, look, I'm holding it up to the light. There does seem to be a different coloured cross of stuff in there. There's a marbling or something.

Look, no, it's the same. There's a cross of sherbet in there. The cross of sherbet! The fucking Templars cross of or something. Look. No, it's the same. There's a cross of sherbet in there. The cross of sherbet. The fucking Templars cross of sherbet. Right, well, I'm going in. Not very colary. There's definite cola flavour. Can I say something? You're right, it's cola. But don't you say

there's a sense of lemonade to it? Oh, they're quite nice, aren't they? Oh, they've got sherbet. Oh. Have you just done the crackling? to it. Oh, they're quite nice, aren't they? Oh, they've got sherbet. Oh! Mmm! Have you just done the crackling? Mmm!

Have you broken the seal and cracked into the sherbet centre? Oh, I have. A bit right into the cross. Give me it, give me it. What's happening? What's happening in your mouth right now? Do you know lemon drops

when they have the sherbet in the middle? And when you taste it, it kind of goes from dry to really soft quickly and then melts over your tongue. It's the same dynamic. I'm having that. You know you're enjoying these sweet leaves, aren't you?

I'm going to give it a crackling. Give it! Oh, it's a bit hard. No. Bite down harder. It's a nice, cold taste. It is. It's not too strong, but it's subtle.

Oh, they're quite good, aren't they? Yeah. Do you think they're the kind of sweets that restaurants buy and pour them into a bowl by the till? Possibly, yeah. Because they had a bunch of different flavours. One was raspberry fruit flavours and one was... You could have them all mixed in a bowl on the way out.

And there's some creamy ones in there, like mint creams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like them. So you like those? Nice kind of flavoured sweet. Yeah. I'm happy with them. Out of ten, I'd give that an eight. I'd give it an eight. Yeah.

It's refreshing. They're good. Nice. It's not too coloury in a bad way. It's kind of subtle, but then the fizz comes in, and it kind of makes it all work. It's a good, it's a tasty sweet, though. I mean, surprises all round. Not bad flavour, and clear white candy. Yes.

They did not say the caramel must be... I don't know what that means. It might just mean sugar. It might mean something else. Yeah. Probably means sugar, doesn't it? So, what, did you like him? Yes.

That's all I got. That's that segment. They stuck it to my teeth. That's that segment done then. It's not a fucking segment. It is. It's that section of done then. Let's fucking...

Yeah. What? Stop. Stop... Yeah. What? Stop. Stop. Stop. I can talk. Have you said stopped it yet? Not yet.

I could do a song. Go on. Let's end this segment on a song. We've got a bit of time. Turn the palette up. It's my spin now, ladies and gentlemen. It was not funny what you did, cutting off the song. And here's the rest of the song.

I turn the palette over and the mushroom niff goes on my winky. Yeah. I was ready to stop you. Yes, you were. So we've done that blue and we've done orange. Punnett Paltis. Where will we go now? To another colour.

Let's find out. I'll be tapping the punnett Paltice. Where will we go now? To another colour. Let's find out. I'll be tapping the punnett poultice. Spin the wheel. Red. Eli's item. So you've got two items, Eli. Pick one of them for your segment. No, number one is...

These. What are they? Yogurt gummies. What are they? I'm gummies What are they? I'm handing it to you Yogurt Where do these come from? A shop in Chinatown So it's a little packet

Made to look like a kind of Yakult bottle It looks exactly like a Yakult bottle So And Yakult's are what? Probiotic yogurt drinks They're not really yogurt It's just probiotic sort of milk stuff

Aren't they meant to be pointless? Like they don't actually do anything? No, they're just not as good as like pickles and stuff like that. And actual live yogurt. You and your pickle agenda. Mate, I'm sorry. I'm just speaking the fucking truth. You and your pickle agenda.

I speak the truth to you. Can't go a day without fucking talking about... Pickles are high and kimchi and sauerkraut and stuff like pickled stuff... Are good for your guts. Fermented stuff are good for your guts. Well, there you go. And live yoghurt is. It's all probiotic.

Yoghurt jelly. But they're not because it's processed product, Yakult and things like it. They say they're not quite as effective as actually getting them. Or the pickle juice that we tied on last week's episode. Right, so ingredients. You didn't like that pickle juice though, did you? No, it was fucking horrible. And I never want to drink that on the show again.

Because it really was bad. Come on. You know I'll find some other stuff. Yeah, you will. Because you are just a foul man. Come on. Open the yoghurt jelly. Ingredients.

Sugar. Corn syrup. And then a bunch of words really, really long. Wow. These are not going to be good for you. Tobliogastchargeride. That's my new space opera. These are not going to be good for you. Toblio Gast's Chargeride. Yeah, that's my new space opera.

Written by Fructulo Sacchianarda. Something like that. Anyway, I'm tearing the top of the bag to reveal what's inside. Which is equivalent on the picture depicted on the packet to the lid. But you need to keep that for the photo. I will don't worry about it love I've got it sorted now this has got a resealable

top I like that well that's because they probably don't want you to eat all of them at once do you reckon they'll give you the shits if you have all of them at once

maybe because they might actually be probiotic we don't know they say that about like mints and tic tacs or whatever isn't it like don't eat a whole bag of these

they'll give you the shits yes what's the half it's nice but there's Don't eat a whole bag of these, they'll give you the shits. Yes. What's that? It's nice, but there's a tinge of vomit to it. Well, that's the yoghurt, isn't it? Yeah. I've never seen a yoghurt gummy before, have you? I don't know.

I can't imagine. I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. That kind of stomach bile kind of thing. It smells yoghurt-y. These smell like yoghurt what do you mean I'm telling you

you've never seen a gummy this is the classic gummy I don't know why I fucking buy mic stands so you can get close to it when I put it in your face you back away

you back away it's called mic technique yeah and you haven't mastered it yet mic technique mic technique mic technique mic technique come on fool

Cheer up mate Might never happen It already has It happens weekly These are yoghurt gummies And I want you to Try one And I also want you to

Admit That you've never seen Anything like this I haven't Thank you I mean I have Because they look like cola bottles But they're yoghurt

And they're pink Pink and white at the top. I like that. They're nice, but you know what they taste like? What? Yakult. They taste like a yakult. They don't. They taste like what you put in the latrines in toilets so they don't speak a piss all the time. You know those kind of

fragrant things that you can piss on for a laugh? You try and move it around the cistern. Yeah. It's got that kind of fake floral lemony. Fake lemony. Yeah, I know what you mean, but I don't find that quite nice. No, that is really nice though.

But there's a tinge of toilet. There's slight artificialness to it, but in terms of like quite a nuanced and complex flavour for a gummy, isn't it? Yeah. And it's tasty.

I mean, I'm having another. I'm having another one. I have another. Yogurt jelly. I just find that the ones you get in Chinese, like the grape, then they've got the watermelon ones. They're just all very good. They are nice, but again, the flavor, I don't know. I can't explain it.

It's like gents' toilets. Intriguing. Intriguing and not unpleasant. Yogurt jelly. Excuse me, love. Would you be interested in sampling my yogurt jelly? What did I say? Ah, love. Would you be interested in sampling my yoghurt jelly? What did I say? Ah, Paul.

I was hoping that there'd be some spin on that when we eventually got round to doing it. I'm sorry. When I said, excuse me, love, are you interested in my yoghurt jelly, you thought I might not do a spunk gag. Well, it could be a knobbed gag. Could. Take it away from the spunk and let's put it towards the knob. Alright. Excuse me, love.

I've got fucking yoghurt jelly. Could I thumb it in you? I'll twist it over. I'll fold it over. I'll fold my yoghurt jelly bottle over and thumb it into your hole. Why does he sound like Evil Grenievel? No, he doesn't. He does.

No, he doesn't. He's Evil Grenievel. Evil Grenievel's come along now. He's a mate of mine. Funny you should mention that. Hello, I'm Evil Gunevil. I've obviously got quite a high voice. And, you know, I like jumping things.

Evil Gunevil. Right, so you're evil. Now I'm the guy who just likes to thumb his fucking... Fucking hell. Oh, me wobbly jelly yoghurt. Excuse me, Doctor, but I was taking a piss the other day and I pulled it back and all this yoghurt jelly came out the tip.

I'm not your doctor. Did it, did it, did it. About as fucking good as a little enlarged sketch. Yoghurt jelly! This has not worked. None of that worked. None of that worked.

I know, you started it though, didn't you? I did. That's on me. I thought they were very nice. They were. Mark out ten for those, Paul. Eight?

Yeah. I wish there were ever so. They were. Mark out 10 for those, Paul. Eight? Yeah. I wish there were ever so slightly less gents toileting. I might not get them again, but I will get the grape ones. Oh, I bet the grape ones would be nice, though. The grape ones are great. Oh. Japanese candy, when they do their sour gummies, absolutely spiffing. I think the gummies from that part of the world seem to have an edge on ours.

Well, there we go. I mean, Haribo are nice. Haribo are great. You know what? The new Haribo that have appeared... What, like Pokemon? Bubble gum. Blue bubble gum flavoured fizzy cola balls. Oh! You seen these? We need to try these. Where's the person making a list of what we need to try? I'll write it

down now. Yeah? No. Don't write it in yellow highlighter. I've never heard of a worse idea in my life. Look, there's a fucking shitload of pills there. I've got a Sharpie. Haribo. Haribo.

Bubblegum fizzy bottles. Right, what else did we say we were going to try? Chakota flavour Fanta. Oh yeah, Fanta. And what else did we say we were going to try? Gusto Coke.

Gusto. Alright, fine. Okay. Happy? Good, I'm happy. I've made the note. I'm happy. Good.

It's time for you, for me, to spin the wheel. Let's move on to the next segment. Light purple. Mauve. Is that? Oh! Is that purple Purple

What did you do No what's that then If that's That's purple And that's pink Well that was pink then Alright so That is

Oh Eli item number two Here we go It's the fucking Eli show Yeah it really fucking is isn't it Now Shut up Now Say what you see Paul

A fat hairy ugly bastard Oh Fuck off isn't it? Now, shut up. Now. What's this? Say what you see, Paul. A fat, hairy, ugly bastard. Oh, fuck off. I know that joke's old and I've done it before, but just so you know, I'm always going to do it.

No. Always. Right, this is called... I'm not hairy. You are hairy. I'm not. You are.

You're hair laden. Right. Hair laden? Tamarind, tamarind soft candy. Uh-huh. What does that mean? It's a littleen. Tamarind soft candy. Uh-huh. What does that mean? It's a little tub of tamarind soft candies.

What are tamarinds? A tamarind is a herb. Not a herb. It's more of a spice. What is tamarind? Spicy flavour. It's got a picture of some kind of fruit on the front. It's a fruit.

That's a tamarind. And there's a chilli on it. It's a tamarind. They use it for savoury dishes to flavour those, but as well as sweet dishes. And they've turned it into gummies. I'm not sure. They don't look like gummies. They look like little turds, don't they, in there?

Oh, God. They look like little brown pellet things. And there's lots of dust on the bottom. I think the dust is sort of sugar dust. What's the ingredients? Tamarind and sugar. It's tamarind, sugar, plum, salt, chillies.

Yep. That's the spicy. It's just another spicy sweet, Paul. Oh, I see. Now, they had several flavours. Do you remember those spicy gummies we had? The chilli gummies. Chilli millies. Oh, they were nice. Remember them? I think those were from Pakistan. Yeah, they were nice, them. Now, I'm going to break the clasp on this tamarind gummies.

It's a little tub. It's quite a nice little tub, isn't it? Yeah, it's a lovely little tub Now, I'm going to break the clasp on this tamarind gummies. It's a little tub. It's quite a nice little tub, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's a lovely little tub. I'm sure you'll be putting little bags of cocaine in there in the future. Listen, what's all this drug talk, yeah? Stop fucking... It's intervention. Eli, everyone outside's going to come in.

Oh, no, that would be annoying. I am Teen Yeti. Fuck off, you're not Teen Yeti! No, this has to stop here, Paul. You cannot do Teen Yeti. Ruff, r're not Teen Yeti. No, this has to stop here, Paul. You cannot do Teen Yeti. Ruff, ruff, ruff. All here. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

Eli, don't take drugs, we love you. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Richard Branagh would never say that. He would, because if you overdosed on drugs, then he wouldn't exist anymore. One death would be the death of hundreds. All your fucking characters. Shut up. All four fucking characters. Shut up.

All four of them. How have we got this dark, Paul? What? You're talking about me dying. It's meant to be a fucking upbeat podcast. It happens to us all, mate. Come on, get your finger in. I can't get into the tamarind candy.

Give me the ear. I'm going to stab it with a sharpie. No. Give it. Don't fucking stab it with a sharpie. We'll use my nail clippers Oh god, don't use your nail clippers That's fine

You know, you use the nail picking part It's brown at the end It's got gooey bits on It doesn't It does, that had a definite amount of yoghurt jelly on the end No, that's where I've been scraping a hash pipe Oh, well that's alright then Mr. Loves Cannabis They then. Mr. Loves Cannabis.

They call me Mr. Loves Cannabis. I'm such a fan of this. Roll me up a joint. I'm Mr. Roll. The Huffington Report is here. Let's get the Huffington Report right now. Not good. What is it?

It smells like apple concentrate. Oh, really? Right, let's have a little... Definitely. Or like dried fruit. I suppose it is dried fruit. It looks like pet food. It's even got a bloody sass of silica gel in.

Yeah. Keep it dry. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's not awful, but you're right. It's that compacted fruit gum bar. Dried fruit. Yeah.

I'm going to pinch one off the top. They're little brown pellets. They look like Dreamies. Those cat snacks. Yes. They're squishy. Are you ready? Are little brown pellets. They look like Dreamies, those cat snacks. Yes. They're squishy. Are you ready? Are they squishy?

Yeah. They taste like dried fruit. They taste like dried fruit. They taste like... And there is a chilli kit coming in after. Yeah. That's not as bad as I thought it could be. No.

Actually, I was surprised. They do have a sort of wholesome fruit, like a high fruit content, isn't there? Yeah. No, it tastes, as you'd imagine, like an apple fruit bar. Yeah, like a fruit loop. A health bar. Not a fruit loop, a fruit leather. Yes.

That's what it tastes like. Yes. It's fine. I quite like that. It's got a chilli kick at the end. Yeah, it's all right. They have different flavoured ones. I don't know if I could eat any more than maybe one more of those before I called it a day.

I might eat some more of those later. I mean, you will, won't you? Oh. Mmm. I like that. I do like that, yeah. Do you love it like that?

It's from a company called Tamarind House. So they obviously are the tamarind masters. Tamarind soft candy, yeah. Oh, there you go. Spicy flavour and there's a little picture

of a chilli next to the tamarind there. Yeah. Or an apple. Hey, Mr Tamarind Man, put some chilli in me. I've got a meter that is in need of poking. Hey, Mr Scissorhook Man, put it in my eye. Not that eye.

And I don't mean the one I'm looking with. I mean my hog's eye. Just make it clear. Your hog's eye. Great. Right. Lovely. Good.

Is that that segment done? Yeah. Oh, I'm just going to give in. Yes. What a great segment. Whose turn is it to spin? You. Oh, okay.

Right, here we go. Next spin. Let's see where we go. I'd just like to say I give them eight out of ten. Those tamarins. Six.

Okay. Just because I like them, but I'm never going to eat a whole box of them. You prefer the chilli millies? Yeah. They're nice, them. I like them a lot.

They're the fucking great them, mate. I'm not a bent copper. I'm a proper busy fucking straight lace you, mate. What's this from? I might have been watching a lot of Line of Duty with my girlfriend recently.

Oh, fuck off. And even though I think it's one of the most stupid shows in the world. Apparently they really jumped the shark. That's what I heard in the last season. I don't know the show very well,

but at the end, after all the kind of, oh, it's going to be a big epic episode, it's basically just two people talking in a room and then they all find, like everyone walks in at the end and says, no, I've got evidence that proves different. But you don't see them getting the evidence. So it's kind of like just people explaining things that are happening.

Just tying everything up. And then it stops. And I was like, was this the big reveal? Like the best part about it, there's a bit where they look at this footage of a guy who gets killed earlier on in the series. And they go, but look look we didn't notice this and you see the guy with his hand like doing like morse code and he went look what does it mean uh it means h which below which means four so that means there are four people behind this and we've sorted out three and you think well why didn't the guy just hold out his fingers in a four? Yeah, it's bullshit. Just hold his four fingers out. Come on.

That's just not. And it's like, it's an extra level of why. Yeah. And also, I said this to my girlfriend when she was watching it. She went, I went, this is exactly like 24. Have you ever watched a series of 24? Line of Duty is almost exactly the same. Is it? There's always a mole.

There's always like a bad guy. But behind the bad guy, there's a more bad guy. And they reveal that halfway through. And there's always a mole inside the good guy's thing. And there's always a a bad guy but behind the bad guy there's a more bad guy and they reveal that halfway through and there's always a mole inside the good guy's thing and there's always a twist and a reveal

and it's like anyway I don't go for that type of stuff Paul I don't really I only watch bits of it I was too busy playing Binding of Isaac

on the Nintendo Switch 8 out of 10 right come on spin it spin it oh yellow innuendo what does that mean test. Right. Come on, spin it. Spin it. Oh, yellow innuendo. What does that mean, Mr.

Silverman? I don't know. You can have a look. Ooh, pardon. Ooh, pardon. This is a Marks and Spencer's product. Yep. But you purchased it in Oxfam. I did. For 99p. And it is a little board game? Card game. I haven't opened it as you can see

I've kept it sealed I'm not going to say mint on card because it's been sealed crudely crudely do you want to use your fucking nail clippers again

no it's fine I'll use my actual nails because that won't take forever when you can just simply slice the plastic no it's fine it's not fine

because it's wasting time well do something then Mr. Monkey Man fucking uses his ape hands to try and do something delicate. Watch out with the hands, yeah? Yeah. They're beautiful. Yeah, well, that's why you can never be a magician.

Wouldn't want to be. Why not? You'd be good. The great silver man. Oh, I'd be good then? So you just contradict yourself. Would I be good or could I never be one? What is it, Paul?

You could have been. What is it? You fucking loser. You could have been good. Your face. You could? What is it, Paul? What is it? You fucking loser. You could have been good. Your face. You could have been a good magician. Your face is shit. Your face makes shit noises.

Clump hands. The shit face makes the shit noises. Oh, plop a plop. The shit face speaks again. Oh. Is this really the best you've got today? It was good, that. It's not. It was good there. It's not.

It was. Right, what's inside the box? Come round here. Go round here. Shit face. Right. Can I just say, you put that whistle in your mouth and blew it instantly without even checking if it hadn't been an old man's arse before it went in the box.

Well, smells alright. You've done it once, don't you? Fair enough. Okay, I've opened the box. It is a card game with a whistle. You heard the whistle, everybody. It's just got one kind of card. So, shall I just have a little peruse?

Let's have a little look at the rules. The object of the game, Paul. The winner's the last player to be left holding one or more cards. Players drop out of the game when their supply of cards is exhausted. Set the game up. Shuffle ooh pardon cards is exhausted. Okay. Set the game up. Shuffle blah blah blah blah.

It's not very well written is it? The person who got it out. Oh they've started no they're doing it. The person who got it out. The game that is. Not their meaty cock. Can I just say fuck off. It's innuendo isn't it? I think we all know. But what's the rules? How do we play it?

What's the point? Gameplay. Right. The person who got it out. Right. That's me. Yeah. Goes first.

Right. Picks up an innuendo card and reads it out. Right. The innuendo card describes the doings and sayings of a delightful middle-aged couple named Ethel and Frank. What? What? What?

What? They are ordinary. Everyday folk living ordinary, everyday lives, Paul. Ethel and Frank. But somehow... All right, you be Frank. And you go be Ethel. I'll be Ethel.

Oh, hello. I've got a large vagina. And I'm a normal man. It's a medical condition I have. It goes all the way up to my chin. And I don't... It's very, it's very big. And I go rock climbing up there every Sunday.

If you're going to say something shit, I'm too. No, that's more shit. You've made it shitter. That should be your mottum. Get on your bike-le. Fuck off. Mottum. You fucking monkey-headed prick. I'm starting to feel like a monkey.

You are. Right. They're ordinary lives, but somehow when their exploits are written down on a card, all sorts of dubious interpretations suggest themselves. Innuendo. Right. It's up to the players to resist all temptation

and come up with explanations that wouldn't even make the vicar blush. For example, a typical card might read, it was so big that Ethel could barely get her hands around it. Right. Each player, in turn, must come up with a plausible explanation of what is being described. A French loaf, a roll of lino, her grandson's rabbit, etc. Grandson's rabbit? Yeah, it was so big that Ethel could barely get her hands around it. Right.

That's a big rabbit. It's a very big rabbit. I don't like rabbits. Especially when they get big. Their twitchy noses. Someone should do a real rabbit horror film. They did though, didn't they? And it was awful.

Yeah, but they should do a good one. I don't think they can. I think they're inherently too cute to make scary. No, they're not. They're too lovely flammable. They aren't cute. They're scary. They're not. Why do you find rabbits scary? They don't, because they're inherently too cute to make scary. No, they're not. They're too lovely flammable. They aren't cute. They're scary. They're not.

Why do you find rabbits scary? Because they're just there. They don't do anything. They just look at you and then they get scared and then they fucking do their rabbit evil shit. You're like that character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer who doesn't like rabbits. Oh, is there one?

Yeah. I think it's Tanya. She's a demon. I might be wrong. She nearly gets married to Xander but it doesn't work out. It's a bit depressing. Fucking be wrong. She nearly gets married to Xander but doesn't work out. Fucking shut up. Wow.

Right. Play continues in a clockwise direction and includes the players who read the question until someone falters, hesitates for more than a few seconds or makes a suggestive remark. Right. If that happens, then it's up to the other players to blow the whistle forcing the offending player to forfeit one of their oh pardon cards.

You getting it now? So everyone gets cards and then they get rid of them one by one until whatever. I'm handing you some. Alright. I've got a stack of innuendo cards. Right.

Oh, so I guess if it's pink it's Ethel and if it's blue it's a Frank story. Fucking gendered again. Wait, what do you want? What difference does it make? I don't want to have this discussion.

For others to make we're just going to make knob gags for five minutes, all right? Let's just do that. Fucking hell, Paul. Bit serious. I'm just saying. No, you're just being serious, aren't you? How many... Where's the ooh pardon card?

Who gives a fuck? Let's just read these out. These are the ooh pardon cards. No, they're not. You're meant to get given cards that you lose throughout the game. Aren't you? No, they're all the same. They're all the same cards.

I don't give a fuck. Oh, look. Oh, pardon. Oh, they're the oh, pardon cards. Yeah, so you're meant to get... Let's give each other three oh, pardon cards each rather than seven or whatever. And you lose them, yeah. Okay.

So if I end up being a bit dirty, then I lose a card. First one to lose their cards, all right? If you make any kind of dirty comment about the other person's... Yeah. Ready? Yes. Who wants to go first? You go first. Alright, I'll read one out first. I've got the... Alright, here we go.

Frank was intrigued to find that it made a twanging noise when he strummed it. Eli. How is that not rude? Because he has a it. Eli. How is that not rude? Because he has a ukulele. How about a harp? He was playing a harp.

Or he has... Yeah. He has one of those things with a broomstick and a string in a cobble box. Like a shoebox thing, yeah. Or a... Cock. You lose one of your cards. Oh, pardon.

This is shit. This game is shit. All right, should I have a go? Yeah, you go. You pick a card up. God, I hate this game. Ethel kept turning it. What?

Ethel kept turning it. What? Ethel kept turning it. No. Ethel kept turning until it finally dropped off. What could that be a description of, Paul? A door handle. Maybe she was turning a door handle and it twisted too hard and it dropped off. Give me that. What?

What's rude about... Oh, you've got to snot off. Give me that. What? What's rude about... Oh, you've got to snot again. Stop doing it. You've lost the point. How have I lost a point? Because that's not realistic. You don't keep turning. That's not the game, though.

It doesn't say it doesn't have to be realistic. It says you don't have to be rude. All it says, the first person to be rude loses the card. Someone falters, hesitates for a more second, or makes a suggestion. Yeah, so stick it up your arse. What have you got something better, then? She was turning a piece of shoelace.

Turning a piece of shoelace? That makes no sense. You lose a new pardon card by that logic. Right. New pardon? We're both down to two pardon cards then. Here's the next one. Right.

Oh, come on. Don't be editing them. I'm fucking editing them. Don't. They're all the same. It's all just some on. Don't be editing them. I'm fucking editing them. Don't. They're all the same. It's all just some knob. All right, here we go. This is the worst game I've ever seen in my life.

No, you won't read that one either. You can't get one that's good enough. You know what? Let's play the game the Paul Gannon way. Here we go. Frank was worried that he left it too long. It would all go wrinkly. His cock.

Try as he might, Frank just couldn't get his leg over a woman's fanny. A leg over the fanny? You don't get your leg over the... Finally, Ethel offered... Hang on! ...a map to locate it. The clit. Smugly, Frank's neighbour demonstrated how he could bend it in two.

His cock. His cock. The doctor stuck it in so quickly that Ethel barely noticed. His cock into her arsehole! Frank carefully folded it in half and put it away. No, he folded it in half. Are you joking? That's the best one.

It's not. That's the best one. He carefully thumbed it in. He folded it in and thumbed it in, Paul. Carefully thumbed it in half and put it away. Into his wife's vajaji. Ethel would even show it to the people in the bus queue. I can't. Ethel searched all over town, the people in the bus queue. I can't!

Ethel searched all over town, but she couldn't find a bigger one. A cock. Cock! Huge cocks in every office! Ethel placed them in the customer officer's hands. That's it! Ethel could never manage more than 12 a day. Liters of spam! Shit! Let's get shit into it. Whenever Frank left it uncovered, it always attracted flies.

His own shit, which he slept with. Enough. Ethel hated the way people kept stuffing it through her box Big fanny Right, that's a terrible game That's a terrible game because we just had more fun Just saying Awful

Really awful I'll give it 4 out of 10 It's pure novelty It's like stock. I'll give it four out of ten. All right. It's pure novelty. Boring. It's pure novelty. It's like stocking filler type game. It's not like a really thought out game. No. It's like, let's just put a bunch of rude things on there.

Terrible. And then we're done. All right. Cards Against Humanity, it ain't. No. No. Not at all. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not a big fan of that, but at least it's... It's working on a similar principle of just making people say outrageous stuff, isn't it yeah you know so why don't they have a game called far right larks where it's like you've got to make your nan say something racist that's actually quite intriguing well it's like all these cards and you've got a grand say hitler quotes just read out hitler's speeches to your nan and see if she nods along yeah Yeah, the moment she nods, you say, Oh, it's Hitler's! You say what? That's Hitler's.

Oh, okay. That's how you play the game. That's Hitler's! Now, it's time for you. Is that the end of this segment? It's the end of the segment. Let's stop. Goodbye, see you on the next segment.

Doesn't work. Right, that's it. That's been our Pick and Mix episode. Something a little bit different, but I think still, you know... Well, I would like to select more of the items because yours were verging towards... That book was a letdown.

Yes, I grant you. And the game was a bit shit, yes. And the candy wasn't great yet I know the candy was good we discovered some good candy there I like these yogurt

candies I'm gonna eat one now oh well you do that while I wrap up the show you're waiting for me to have something in my mouth so that

you can funny that whistle innuendo whistle right while he's chewing that thank you for listening to cheap show join us again next time

next week for more economy comedy films or what I've called austerical comedy that was a good one there thank you

support us on Patreon go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show give as little as a dollar as much as you like and we'll give you a bunch of extra content as a result

what else what else what else Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr Give as little as a dollar, as much as you like, and we'll give you a bunch of extra content as a result. What else? What else? What else? Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr and YouTube and all that stuff. On Twitter, it's at thecheapshowpod. I'm at paulgannonshow. You are?

Eli. Honestly, you were doing nothing for a minute or two. I've still got half a jelly in my mouth. All right, well, hurry up then. On Twitter, I'm known as Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And you can email us anything you want, really, at the email address, which is thecheapshowatgmail.com. And that's been another episode.

Who likes oil? What? Who likes oil? Who likes oil? Who likes oil? Can I oil? Who likes oil? Can I do a song to finish? Ending the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I've had a bit of time to think of the lyrics for this one.

All right, good. Ending the show tonight, playing us out, is a new up-and-coming artist, Eli Silverman, with his new song, Mushroom Pannit Pultis. All right, here we go. Take it away, Mr. Silverman. Now people say that the dark plastics are unrecyclable. But I've got a way of dealing with a punnet that wants whole shiitake mushrooms.

I'm gonna make it a poultice and slap it on the court. It's a punnet, my poultice. It's a mushroom punnet. Poultice of doom, and he's coming out of this room. Planet poultice of doom. Is that it? Planet poultice of doom.

Planet poultice of doom in this room. You're sweating singing this song. I can see your sweat patches as you sing a song. You're sweating. I've never singing this song. I can see your sweat patches. As you sing a song, you're sweating. I've never known that before. Planet poultice of doom, planet poultice of doom in this room.

Planet poultice of doom, planet poultice of doom, planet poultice of doom in this room. Thank you. Thank you. We'll see you next time on Cheat Show. Bye. Bye. thank you thank you we'll see you next time on Cheat Show bye bye