CheapShow - Ep 127: Green, Green Wine

Episode Date: May 17, 2019

This week, CheapShow HQ makes the following statement: "Paul Gannon would like to formally apologize for his behaviour in this week's episode of CheapShow. Despite arranging a delightful trip to "flexi disc" land in Silverman's Platters and discovering a fun video game based board game... Paul sadly ruined it all. Ruined it because he decided to taste the "Green Wine". Please do not drink what Paul drinks this week. And please don't try what you hear at home.  We are trained unprofessionals. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-127-green-green-wine If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello, Paul. I won't be looking at you. You won't be looking at me? What do you mean? Don't turn your back to me. I'm not turning my back. I just won't look at you. Why won't you look at me?

Because it might give some other energy to this. Don't you love me anymore? It's not about that. Who's the love job? It's about trying to reintroduce some energy into it. What kind of energy? No one sees us when they hear it, so why should I see you when I'm doing it?

Because we're having a relationship. We're not having a relationship. We are, we're having a podcast relationship. I'm just going to get some coffee, okay? Alright, well you go get coffee and I'll do the intro. No, let me do the intro. You're going to get a fucking coffee! What do you want?

You're going to go get a coffee. All right, I'll leave the door open. I'll leave the door open. Leave the door open then. He's left the door open. Right, well, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears, where me and my co-host, Eli Silverman,

I'm Paul Gannon, by the way, go through the bargain bins, charity shops, the pound lands, the jumbog sales and bazaars of Great Britain, where we try and find treasure in the trash and wonder in the wastelands. And have we found some this week? Well, you're about to find out. Let's hit the credits.

Well done. Thank you. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? posse back Tales from the Dark Sword How's the big guy? The price of the site It's a tall gun and saying hello Eli Silver Welcome to Geek Show

I'm not going on a nuzzle So you're really not going to look at me this whole episode? No, I'm not looking at you I can see what you're doing What can you see me doing if you're not looking at me? You're giving me the fingers I am giving you the fingers I'm giving you all my fingers

Absolutely fine Paul I'm just going to be mature Okay, let's be mature I'm going to all my fingers. Absolutely fine, Paul. I'm just going to be mature. Okay, let's be mature. I'm going to look over here at your spinning disc held upon your mirror. What is it, Frisbee? It's not a... Don't angle it. I'm going to look in the mirror and I can see you.

It's an Araby. I can see you in the mirror. It's an Araby, Paul. So? You can see me in the mirror? Yeah. What am I doing? Ah, you looked at me, you prick!

Right, anyway, welcome to Fucking Cheap Show. The show where the hosts don't look at each other for 90 minutes. 90? About that. Well, you know what we haven't tried, now that I'm looking over there? What? I'm looking across what used to be the sauce trough. Remember that?

Oh, yeah, the sauce trough. Has it been taken down? Well, a lot of it's been sort of put underground. It's under the bed. Under the bed and on the floor. Yeah. I had to dismantle some of the trough. But there is a sauce report that sometimes happens on the show, Paul. Yeah. It's the sauce report that there's no more sauce trough.

No, that was way before the sauce report. Anyway, do-do-do-do, sauce report. Even you don't have the life in it. Even you're not trying to sell it this week. There's no passion in it. I don't know this new technique of yours. It's just lacking passion.

You've got to look at me. Look at me. Look at this. Look at all of this. Look at all of this. And his belly. But look at that. He's splodging it. He's doing his nips. Look at all of this. And his belly. But look at that. He's splodging it. He's doing a little miniature truffle shuffle.

He's now drumming his belly. No, don't. He's pulling up the T-shirt. I'm not looking. Look at my belly. Oh, it's got a little fluff in my belly button. Your belly looks like one of those fake fat bellies. It does.

Yeah. Anyway, very hairy. That's got treasure in my belly button. Come on. Come on now. A little bit of fluff. That cannabis wine. Oh, yeah.

That's the source report. It's not source. This just in. It's not source. It's just in on the source report, which can cover other issues to do with fluids. No, it can't. Yes, it can. In that case, it's the fluid. Yes, it can. It's the fluid report, then.

Do-do-do-do-do-do. Source report. Now I pass over to Ian McFluid with the fluid report from the source report. Ian. Yes. Still not tried on the cheap show show, Wine Abyss. So?

We still haven't tried Wine Abyss 420. Are we going to now then? Shall we? Yeah. Alright. It's boozy. It's not 420. It's not 420 it says there.

I know, but that's a date. Yeah. It didn't cost 420. It's not a time of day. It could be, the way it's written there. I mean, yeah,

when it's written there, but it's meant to be a date, isn't it? So where did you get this? This was donated to the show. I mean, yeah, when it's written there, but it's meant to be a date, isn't it? So where did you get this? This was donated to the show. Really? By Georgia, my good friend Georgia.

She picked it up in the States, I believe. Okay. And it's got no THC in it. It's just dope flavoured wine. Made with grapes and stuff, like normal wine. How alcoholic is it?

9.5. Okay, so about right. Kind of standard for wine, isn't it? I don't know. I'm uncorking it now, Paul. All right. It's got a cork. It's actual proper wine.

Oh, I mean... Do you have a penknife on you? No, funnily enough, I didn't think to bring with me a bottle cork opener. Oh, it's one of those plazzy ones. It's a plazzy bottle. Describe it to them.

You're just speaking to the fucking mic. What's your problem? The mic's in. You are... Wine abyss. Wine abyss. I'll just get a bottle open. Describe it to them What's your problem Mike's there and you're like Wine abyss Double taste Product of Spain A daring high aroma It must smell of dope a lot

A potente atrivido aroma So it's not It's got no active THC or CBD Elements to it It's just flavoured and smells. It looks... It's actually green as well. I thought the bottle was green, but no, it's actually green liquid.

Wow. Shall I get a glass? Yes. Wine abyss of all things. I don't know what double taste means. Flavoured... Hang on. Flavoured cocktail containing wine.

That's a strange way of putting it. Eli. Yes. Do you know what it says on here? Flavoured cocktail containing wine. Yeah. Because it's not all wine.

The cannabis bit is obviously not... Oh, you think it might be sweet? Yeah. It might be quite nice. I mean, yeah, hopefully. You never know. You never know.

Now, sorry, I don't have any wine glasses, Paul. Well, this is thrilling. This is nice. We don't often do wine glasses, Paul. Well, this is thrilling. This is nice. We don't often do wine on Cheap Show, do we? We're doing wine on Cheap Show. This is cannabis wine. Margaret, have you heard?

They're doing wine on Cheap Show now. Are they, Rupert? Paul? Yes, Margaret. This will be your upcoming trip. Are listeners aware of your upcoming trip? I mean, it's probably been announced on the internet. But let's talk about that because it's of relevance to...

I'll do that while you open the bottle. Okay. I'm going to Los Angeles because I'm going to Ghostbusters Fan Fest. Right now, I can't say why exactly because it's not been announced, but I'm going to be there and it's very exciting. I'm going out there beginning of June

and I might... God, I'm going out there beginning of June and I might, God, I'm going to try and get an interview for the Winky story. He's going to actually try and get the... I'm going to try and do some Winky info.

I'm going to try and sniff out a bit more Winky while I'm in LA. Okay, good. That's great. That's exciting to me, Paul. I've not been there in years. It's weird.

And what else? That's why I brought it up, Paul. Yeah. Because we're drinking cannabis wine here. Yeah. One of the few parts of the world

where they have legalised recently recreational cannabis use in California. So for the show, I want you to go and buy some fucking top-dank Bud. I'll do a report from LA and we'll listen back to it. The dope report. I'd like to know what it's like. Well, this is exciting development, isn't it?

Cheap shows going international. If anyone is listening in LA and goes, Paul, do you want to hang out with me? Probably won't. I'm quite antisocial. I probably just stay in most of the time. I've got the Halfington Report back from this wine. Yeah.

It's really not good, man. In what way? It smells like very cheap wine. So it just smells like cheap wine, then. That kind of very bitter, acrid. Well, let's have a sniff. I mean, it's very green. That's like Emerald City green

yeah that is that is impressive if nothing else it's a very impressive colour the problem is it looks far more tasty than it's gonna be

because this looks like fizzy fun pop forgive it give it a sniff it's not good ooh you can smell the bud though you can smell the weed in it a bit

you've got that yeah pongy dank that pongy dank floral yeah you're getting the weed lovely bud you're getting the bud though you can smell the weed in it a bit you've got that pongy dank floral dad lovely bud you're getting the bud smell

interesting article I read recently I think it was the Guardian maybe the BBC saying how people are fine with people smoking weed what they hate is the stench of it

and that's what gets people really annoyed because if someone downstairs in the house in the flat below smells it smokes it fair enough

yeah and it's kind of well there's certain types of strains where you can basically get rid of the smell entirely. But then for real potheads, the flavour, the smell is a big part of it. I mean, I like it. But I can imagine other people don't. They're called terpenes. Those are the chemicals that cause those smells, the strong smells.

And you can completely isolate the psychoactive parts from the terpenes, from the smell. Oh, that's good. For example, hash oil, which is very refined. Drug talk on cheap shit. Hash oil, which I got some in university. If you get the proper stuff, it's fucking

great. You just wipe a bit on a cigarette paper and there's no smell in that. And also, I was out in the States, they've got these vape pens where they've got a distillate

of cannabis in a sort of, in a vape liquid and that just has very, very little smell. You can do that in a restaurant and like,

I'm going to have to get one of them then, I think. It blows your head off. Let's try this bloody, you ready? I'm going to suck it from the bottle.

That's one of the worst things I've ever tasted. Oh God. That tastes like kitchen cleanup. Oh, it does not work. That does not work. Oh, I mean,

as a flavor, I'd say that. Oh, it's awful. The way that this slight, oh, it does. It tastes like,

like something you spray on your countertop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Fucking love it. I'm going to drink this bottle over the course of the episode. See how it goes. Let me just top you up then. Here we go. Right, that's enough for now.

Fucking hell. This is horrible. I instantly regret this plan. But fuck it. Oh, it's Drunk Paul Solving Murders. That instantly regret this plan. But fuck it. Oh, it's drunk Paul solving murders. That's my new podcast. Right. Jack the Ripper was the queen of hearts.

I don't fucking know. Paul, but in all seriousness. Isn't Ted Bundy sexy? Oh, he only brutally beat and murdered women, but oh, he's so sexy. Satire from Paul here. Oh, murder. Here's a letter from a reader

who said her next door neighbour was a serial killer and ate seven kids. Oh, I can't believe it. I'm so drunk. Look at the, the plugs in upside down

but then to put it back. I can't. I'm going to drink it. It's awful. I've committed to it. Look, the plug came out the wrong way up because it's designed to be pushed back in the other way around. committed to it. Look, the plug came out the wrong way up

because it's designed to be pushed back in the other way around. Yeah, it's clever, isn't it? Yeah. It's the only thing about it that is. So I've replugged the Wine Abyss. Also, Wine Abyss. Come on, have a thought, someone. Just call it Cannabis Wine.

Just keep it classy. You know what I mean? Wine Abyss. Fucking terrible product. Or call it something different, like... It's disgusting. Geronimo's Thumbprint. You know what I mean? Cannabis. Fucking terrible product. Or call it something different, like... It's disgusting. Geronimo's Thumbprint. You know what I mean?

The exotic cannabis wine. Geronimo's Footprint. Geronimo's Thumbprint. Thumbprint, yeah. Right, that's good, that. Yeah, Paul, yeah. I need to fix your fucking mic. It's doing my head in.

Talk into it. What are we doing on the show today? Well, that's what I was going to ask. Well, let's go straight into a Tales from the Shop Floor. Oh, can I read one? I haven't read one in years. Do you want to read this one, then? All right, here we go.

Tales from the Shop Floor. This is from someone called Seth Seabolt. Nice name. Hello, Seth. Sounds like sexy boy. Hi, Paul and Eli. Seth Sexybot. What's his name?

Seabot. Seabolt. I'm going to call him Seth Sexybot. Seabolt. Seabolt. I'm going to call him Seth Sexybot. Seabolt. Sexybolt. Okay. You can call him that. Say Sexybolt.

Thank you. So, hi Paul and Eli. Hello Sexybolt. Hello Seth. I intern as a sound guy at the back room of a bar in Washington DC.

Oh, international listeners. DC, not known sort of internationally as a music town, but it has a lot of music in Washington DC. Oh, international listeners. DC not known internationally as a music town, but it has a lot of music in Washington DC. Really? Yeah. Big punk hardcore scene in the 80s. Okay. Invented

their own form of hip hop called Go-Go basically, that was like running parallel to early hip hop. Really? Go-Go, yeah. This podcast got informative quick. Washington has a really distinct music culture of its own. Oh, there you go. Anyway, the bands that play there are mostly Americana acts or Grateful Dead cover bands,

all of which usually leave something to be desired musically. Right, fine. No shit. Proficient but lacking passion. Well, shit. I mean, I don't know Grateful Dead's music particularly. Is it kind of folky rock? They had like a hundred albums.

So there's like quite a range of different styles but what is there's mostly known for it's like country rock yeah okay psychedelic more psychedelic and sort of cosmic in the early days okay and all verging into country okay and americana so like a british genesis american beauty is one of their most critically lauded albums and that's a really nice album

you should check that out I'll give that a go for the sake of I'm exposing myself nice close harmonies sort of like Crosby Stills

National Young that kind of close harmony stuff you've got to make it in America I don't think that's by then

I like it anyway all of which leaves something to be desired musically so he's there behind the bar thinking Christ it, it's another fucking Grateful Dead covers band. I'm going to get paid 120.

It's killing me inside. Yeah. The kitchen staff, and I bet the Americano got mustaches and stupid antique looking instruments. And they're terrible. Anyway. Unnecessary amounts of leather. The kitchen staff are some of the most interesting people I've ever met. Two of them are flat earthers.

Oh, God. Here we go. Two of them are ex-government employees because it's a government town in Washington, of course. And the rest are just as eccentric.

My internship is bookended by a 45-minute commute often spent listening to your show. Well, thank you, Seth. Oh, I'm glad we get you home safe. Ever since I've started the job,

I've kept my eye out for a story worthy of being on Tales from the Shop Floor. Nothing came up, so I've decided to make this one up. He didn't actually say that, but I bet he fucking has. You don't know that.

I doubt. I doubt everyone. It's nice that you've got your sceptical head on, Silverman. Don't get me wrong. You know, flat earthers. I know, but I'm just saying, let's give them all the benefit of the doubt. I've just looked at something. There's a thing

down here I've looked at. If they're revealed to have been a liar afterwards, we will deal with them accordingly. Okay. Alright. You ready for the story? Here we go. The time I had to curse out a room full of drunk yuppies on St. Patrick's Day. Nah. Okay, you're saying that wasn't good enough? Not good enough. Right.

Nah. Get the fuck out of here not scatological enough oh the time i got back to my mixer shame that that's what our podcast means to people now it's better when it's got more shit in it's just makes me sad love into this show the time i got back to my mixer and a fader was missing no not scatological enough. And also, mate, no offence, a bit boring that, innit? Like you lost your fader. Well, he's not going to sell us.

I know. I like this. It's the first DJ we've had. That we know of. Yeah. I mean, he's come out as a DJ. He's come back now. Tales from the Shop Floor's genesis was Tales from the Dance Floor.

Yeah. And he's tying those two strains together. He's mingling the streams, Paul. Yes, he's crossing the streams. He's crossing the streams. Mingling the streams. I don't know. I know.

Go on. I don't know what they fucking say in that film, do I? Fucking cunts. Go on. Cunts out there. Cunts. Come round here. Cunts round there.

Come round here. Cunts round there. So that wasn't scatological enough either. The time man dressed in drag performed in front of a room full of children.

I still want to hear that one. Not as obscene as you'd think. It was a musical number that called for it and also not scatological enough. Oh, okay.

End of paragraph. Right. Two word phrase standing alone in the middle of this letter, paragraph. Right. Two-word phrase standing alone in the middle of this letter, Paul. Right. You'll never guess. Diarrhea wall.

Full stop, it says. Oh! Diarrhea wall. That's a big gambit. The words echoed off the walls like a call of a canary in a coal mine. He's got literary...

He's being a bit flowery. All right, fair enough. A coal mine covered in shit. Ugh. I could say Paul wasn't making that noise because he was disgusted by the idea. A coal mine covered in shit. I could say Paul wasn't making that noise because he was disgusted by the idea of a coal mine covered in shit. It's because he just had another sip of the

wine abyss. And it's grotty. It's horrible. It's like a drinking copper. Yeah, it's really horrible. It's really horrible. Okay, so here is the story. Here we go. He decided to select the diarrhea stall. Wall story. I'm getting comfy here we go the night before

was seemingly uninventful two singer songwriter guitar guys in a small crowd fair enough the next morning however

I heard that the janitor discovered something dreadful yeah someone said the bathroom walls were covered in shit

I'll just get it right out there naturally I went to see for myself. Not diarrhoea wall, but indeed, diarrhoea floor. The toilet and surrounding area were pretty heavily coated in brown. It'd been

left overnight, and it reeked. Funnily enough, my pal the janitor... The janitor? The pal the janitor. My pal the janitor and I were more impressed than disgusted by the sheer amount of coverage this person was capable of. How do you do that without making a concerted effort to do so? You don't know what happened.

You don't know what went on in there. What do you think went on in there? So that someone fires liquid ass shit all over walls and floors. I think he must have got his hands involved in the spreadage. You think there's a bit of smearing going on? There's a bit of smearing. So it's not like projectile forced arse eruptions.

You think he's just gushing right onto his hands directly and then spreading it all out. I think he probably starts off by squitting on one area of the wall and then spreading it all out. Spreading it all out. No, I think probably starts off by squitting on one area of the wall and then once the paint's on the wall... No wonder we're never going to win an award of any kind. Once the paint's on the wall, so to speak, Paul...

Then he gets the rollers out. No, this is working. This is working. Once the paint's on the wall from his... So he shits into some kind of receptacle so he can get a roller out? No, no, no. He shits on the wall. Right.

He's got enough fucking stream strength. He gets enough of a pressure. A brown, watery stream, a hose strength. Yeah. A sloppy brown hose worth gush. Once the paint's on the wall, he gets out the rollers, so to speak. In this case, his hands. His hands.

And he smears it. And he just smears it up and out and across. That's the end of the story. Oh, there was someone shat on a wall. This is what this has come down to. This is what people think of this show. I just thought I'd share. Great, thanks, sexy bot.

P.S. I found Eli's platters about Keith Armstrong, artsy harmonica guy. Fascinating. Thank you, Seth. Thank you, Seth. Well, I mean... Someone's shat on a wall. Come on. We could do better than that. I appreciate Seth for, you know, making an effort and like... Yeah, but you know. There was no

dead pensioners. There's no dead pensioners at all, unfortunately. There's no spoff mixed in with the shit. No. No. Oh, I'm making myself filthy. Let's get on with the show. Okay. Have some more. Are we recording, by the way? I am recording right now, yeah.

Have some more wine, Abyss. Alright. Oh, God. it's really unpleasant I don't know why you're doing that I can get you a drink you want a drink no I'm going to drink

all this now because let's be honest if I don't drink this now you will not drink it I'm not going to drink any more of it and I don't want it to go to waste

because you know a lot of oh god this is fucking horrible you're going to vomit I'm not I'm going to make you vomit no I won't

not on one bottle of wine 9% you're taking the whole bottle are you yeah I'm going to make you vomit. No, I won't. Not on one bottle of wine. Nine percent. You're taking the whole bottle, are you? Yeah, I'm going to go for the whole bottle. This is what's happening on this episode, because everyone loves drunk comedy podcasts. Oh, God. So let's do that then, shall we? Because that's what's trendy.

People getting drunk to be funny. So let's do that then, shall we? Let's drink. Let's debase ourselves. Let's bring alcohol into it, because we're insecure of our own necessary skills i mean don't get me wrong cheap shows shit and random at the best of times but we never drink during the show do we sometimes you do once when i had that skull and the christmas party and the christmas party so twice all right twice now. So that's three times. More than a woman to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Sunlight Lounge, where we play the platters that matter all night long. And we've got some barnstormers coming up for you. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to have a lovely night here at the Moonlight Lounge at Pontins in Skegness. And we just want you to know that you're more than a woman. More than a woman to me hello ladies and gentlemen oh god did i show you that video of bob monkhouse on a on youtube where he's doing a show at butlin's no fucking excellent mate what does he do he does it's such an american

style show so he comes on kind of meager and stuff, but then there's a band, and he does literally the, hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. Everyone's a star and entertainer for a night. We're going to make it all right

if you just look out of sight. La, la, la, we're going to make it tomorrow. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bob Mungo, and it's so slick.

That's good. And you think, it's Butland, though. And this was in the late 70s, early 80s, when going to Butland still mattered, and you'd still's Butland and this was in late 70s early 80s when going to Butland

still mattered and you'd still get good entertainment but Monkhouse is good entertainment wasn't it yeah and it's interesting

because he talks he gossips a bit and he slags off Bruce Forsythe a little bit I'll put that video on our website on the Cheap Show

website for this episode it's great but every now and then he just literally goes to the band points clicks his fingers and the band kicks in. He goes,

he's got a drill. It's beautiful. Because he's not a great singer, Bob Monkhouse. But he sells it because of the speed. You know what I mean? Do it fast. Do it fast and get out. Get in, get out, get in. It's just beautiful to watch, actually. Now, Paul, what are we doing in this segment?

Exactly. You're losing control of the segments. You're the master of the segments. What? No, he's starting to watch, actually. Now, Paul. What are we doing in this segment? Exactly. You're losing control of the segments. You're the master of the segments. What? No, he's starting to attack me now for nothing. I didn't say anything. I called you master of the segments. I think that's a good title. Master of segments.

Yes. Okay. I am the master of segments. Master of segments. Ah. The people. The people, master. The people. Master. The people, Master, the people.

I know. I call you segment. You are segment, my little helper. No, no. Now, I'm your little helper. Section. Segment. No, you're section.

I'm section, aren't I? You're section, my little helper. Now, Master of the segments. Yes! Master, the people have spoken. Yes, they have. There's murmurings of dissent amongst the people. Dissent? Yes. How shall we fix this accursed murmurings of dissent amongst the people. Dissent?

Yes. How shall we fix this accursed moment? They want to know what the next segment will be, and only you know. Only you can tell them, and you must broadcast this to them for their faith in you. As master of segments, you haven't announced any segments in a while.

And I love you, master. Ye obliterate. I think... Don't go suck my dick, Joe. Just avoid that for a moment. I wasn you, Master. Ye obliterate. I think... Don't go suck my dick, Joe. Just avoid that for a moment. I wasn't going to. Yeah, I don't know, though. I know, Master.

I don't know, though. I wasn't. I don't know, though. I'll go back to my cave, then. I just wanted to say that. You don't want to suck my dick? No, absolutely not. No, Master of Segments, you're a eunuch in this world.

I'm not a eunuch. Don't go spreading that around. Fuck off, Segments. You've got no dick to suck, Master. How dare you? You have known. master of segments you're a eunuch in this world I'm not a eunuch don't go spreading that around fuck off segment you've got no dick to suck master how dare you you have known mine is well known

throughout the land no it's a proper proper action man all smooth is it a market atop a beach ball no

it's not even that how dare you I'm sorry master well then there'll be no more segments no more segments until you say I've got a big dick. The people won't be happy with the lack of segments. You say I've got a big dick and I'll bring the segments back.

You have a big dick. Thank you. Now, Master of Segments, will you announce the next segment? The next segment is Silverman's Platter. Thanks, Paul. You're fucking dead afterwards, segment. I'm going to fucking kill you. Paul, can we step outside this for a moment?

I just want to say, it's not helping, the fact that you're downing that wine. Is it starting to taste better, is it? Yeah. It's starting to go down easy now, is it? It's easier now, yeah. Unlike the segment character from that last sketch,

it would not go down. Can I go back into the character now just for a bit no let's enjoy this wonderful moment with Silverman as we enjoy

Silverman's platter I don't have a small dick I promise you I promise you it's like you're a eunuch

that's how you get the role it's like a fucking huge big hammer no it may have been big originally do you mean why is it a eunuch that's how you get the role it's like a fucking huge big hammer no it may have been big originally do you mean

why is it a eunuch's role to be king of segments because the master of segments master of segments it goes back for thousands of years and it's compulsory

it's a clan of specialist eunuchs and I've got to be unicised yes why in order to be master of segments

well I'm breaking the form I don't want to do it well it's too late now you've grown up. You had it chopped when you were a little boy. Why is my voice so deep? Because they train them to do that. No, it's got my balls afire.

I'm leaving my balls on. Well, you're one of those kind of eunuchs. They just take the dick off. There's no such thing as a eunuch. Will they just take the dick off? There might be. It's all right. What do you want to be? What kind of eunuch do you want to be? Do you want the whole lot or just take the dick off? It might be. It's alright. What do you want to be? What kind of unit do you want to be?

Do you want the whole lot or just take the dick off? No, you could just take the dick off. Now, I'd rather keep the dick. I know. Would you? Yeah. If I'm going to lose anything, can you imagine just how ugly it looks if you're just balls? It's not going to look good.

This is tickle,'s. It's not going to look good. This is tickled, Paul. This subject is tickled, Paul. And the wine. It's not good, Paul, that you're drinking the wine. More than a woman. Now, it's silverman platters. More than a woman to me. Oh, God.

He's loading up on wine abyss. Here we go. You have to keep some in the bottle, take a photo of it. Yeah? Take a photo of that now. And let me do a bit of Silverman's Platters. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to shut up and take a picture while he explains what we're doing today,

which is a very special, I think, Silverman's Platters. The stench of that fucking vinegary wine is awful. So bad. Shitty wine. Now, Silverman's Platters these days, we are going to talk about a couple of platters that I have, but this is in conjunction with a little book

that I spotted that we've ordered and has arrived today. Wobbly Sounds, a collection of British... You're nowhere near the microphone. Please talk into it. Wobbly Sounds, a collection of British flexi-discs. Now, in the past on this show, we have touched on flexi-discs.

I've touched on a flexi-disc. I've touched on a few flexi-discs. I have to fam it in half. It was too flexi. Fam it up. I don't know what that laugh was like fam it up until you get near it

fam it up fold it up oh we have fun now what you mustn't do with actual flexi discs is... Stick them on your arse. Paul, I'm going to have to confiscate the wine.

I am going to have to confiscate the wine, mate. Come on, man. We've got to do another. We're only halfway through this episode. All right, here we go. Okay, so, Elo, we got a book online, didn't we? Who's it by? Johnny Trunk.

You said it sounded like it was a fake name. Of Trunk Records. Okay. Now, I don't know, avid listeners may have heard on a previous Silverman's Platters, we covered the... I honestly don't know. David Bowie project. The guy who was like David Bowie, that Bowie... I honestly don't know, I'm sorry. David Bowie project...

The guy who was like David Bowie, that Bowie was doing an impression of when he first came out. Anthony Newley? Yes. Okay. Anthony Newley and Delia Derbyshire of the Radiophonic Orchestra. Did Weebly Hooblies or something? Moogly Booglies. Moogly Booglies! Which was a 7-inch released by

Johnny Trunk on his Trunk Records. Now, he's a record label owner. Okay, like an independent, I'd imagine. Yes. He's got his own small independent label. Releases a lot of interesting stuff. So, he'll do reissues of Delia Derbyshire albums. Yeah. And radiophonic stuff.

He also is an expert on library music. Oh, okay. Library music and soundtrack stuff. Of course course there's a lot of overlap in that world yeah you can imagine a lot of library stuff it starts off as library and someone will use it on a soundtrack for example so he's a real expert at that yeah and he reviews that kind of stuff uh but he's into just strange audio stuff in general so and i love that though

because that for me is far more interesting than people popping on about the beatles lost album works or you know an ultra rare copy of sergeant pestle just the stuff we've heard yeah but this stuff that he uncovers is stuff no one has ever heard but such is redolent of that time yes uh for example he's into quite obscure weird stuff like found footage style audio um i know for a fact he's really into radio, sorry, train announcement recordings. Oh, you mentioned that last time, I think, where you said about he just...

He likes train announcement recordings. So literally, this is... This is your captain speaking. No, this is not your captain speaking. Oh. No, it's like, hello, this is your head steward. Head steward? Head steward. There's something like that. Train this is your head steward. Head steward? Head steward.

There's something like that. Train commander. Train commander steward. The buffet will be open from this time. Those announcements. But as you say, they're recorded in situ. Like someone holds a recorder. On a train, yeah, yeah.

And you get ones from quite a long time ago and they have a certain interest because they used to say different things about the sandwiches and stuff. I can't remember if we've touched on this before on the show, but that found footage of those two guys who live in America, the Shut Up Little Man, Ray and something or other. We talked about the two old men.

Yes. And how the next door neighbours, these two guys, would lean out with a microphone and record their rants and arguments. Was it two people recording them? Yeah. And then they saw those and they went, I love that. It's troubling to listen to that audio at times,

but it's like if Derek and Clive were real people and lived in the Bronx. They just argued for years. They just argued. Horrible, though. Just like, people say, oh, this podcast is me and you belittling each other for an hour or so.

Yeah, but there, it's nasty. They're at each other's throats every day. It's like, why don't you fucking die? Why don't you fuck off and die, you useless little man? But why do they live with each other? Because it's America. Are they a gay couple?

No, I just think, I don't know about that, but it looks like they're just two guys who because of monetary reasons and where they live, they have to share a place and fucking hate each other. And it's just, sometimes you listen to it and it's a laugh and sometimes you think, how have they not fucking shot each other in the head? So that's Johnny Trunk and Trunk Records.

Yeah. But he has written a little book, like a coffee table, a photo book. Yeah. Wobbly Sounds, a collection of British flexi discs. Now, shall we explain what flexi discs are to maybe some of our younger listeners? Yes. Vinyl records were a thing for a long time, still are a thing, Paul. And that's what this section's about.

They're coming back. Eli's platters. But adjacent to that was a thing known as a flexi-disc, which was a vinyl record but printed on sort of a flexible plastic, much thinner than an actual record. The grooves were printed onto a very thin sheet of plastic. And it was flexible so that it could conform to a magazine cover, for example.

So it's much easier to put onto a magazine or attach to some pamphlet as a free item. You can store much more of them per sort of cubic and they're flexible, so they'll go through a letterbox or they'll survive some kind of flexing, won't they?

He passed me that book very briefly what i will say is because i had a read of it before i brought it over and they were saying initially this wasn't like even though it's popular the 50s 60s 70s it was banging around a few decades beforehand because there was like audio postcodes where you could record post record onto postcard so was that the original form of this technology yeah yeah in its very basic form you could record it send it to a relative across the other side of the United States and then they would do the same back.

And that's an idea that was in lots of different forms. I remember watching on Techmoan. Yeah. He covered like a cassette system or he's done more than one different cassette formats that were meant to be... Like DCC and things like that. No, that were meant to be letters,

like a whole system. Remember that thing with a handheld thing it was like uh oh yeah vaguely vaguely post it yeah post the tape and it's sort of like an audio telegram sort of thing oh yeah the recordable paper yeah and things like that things like that yeah yeah yeah so they talk about that and how that evolved into how it became mostly used in the 50s and 60s as advertising but then as i say people started using promotional items yeah by and large in the uk if you got a flexi disc as part of a promotion or on front of a magazine it came from this company called lintone okay so they were the they were the big manufacturers it was like 90 percent of the time you bought something it was probably from their factory they're the biggest manufacturers of flexis and this was a company

that was um based in the UK, obviously. And the book is fascinating because it goes into a lot it gives a little bit of background to the Flexie disc. But it's mainly the photos, isn't it? And he's got them ranging all the way up to the early 90s. Very early 90s. The last one he's got is from 93. Because they did

then started being used on music magazines as a way of giving out free Yeah. The way that you get cds still to this day they'll give you a cd on the cover of mojo or whatever yeah they will still and it's like there's a there's a situation where i was in a record store in cambridge and they had a whole box of flexies but mostly they were all taken from karang magazines it was like yeah two songs per side usually very rare doublesided ones, which are rarer. Usually a Flexi will only have one side

with an actual groove on it. A big recognisable band is your A, and on the B would be the new band you never heard of but give this one a listen to. And that was interesting. And they also had, I can't remember exactly what it was, but they had like darts championship stuff with like darts matches and music. I can't remember exactly what it was but they had like darts championship stuff were like darts matches

and music i can't remember exactly what it was but it was very strange flexi discs that obviously came from like a darts magazine or something random like that so it became from what apparently this book says mostly used to sell or promote or promotional and adverts ones are the main things and they weren't always in a standard size I've got one which is like a little we're going to discuss a few of the flexes

that I've picked up yeah because we have done one or two on the past on the show we've done the promotion for Isle of Man

which I couldn't locate today but is one of my favourites because it is quite funny I believe that's on the episode with beck hill welcome to the isle of man welcome to the sea and the sand and the fun of our family beaches where we asked just a few of our visitors what they were particularly enjoying oh the sun is marvelous oh yes. Oh yes, we're having a wonderful time. It's lovely.

I find it very nice for family. It's quite important to do. Well, I like the boat trip, but we've had a walk along the prom. We went to Madame Tussauds Waxworks back there. The ice cream.

Smashing ice cream. That's been fried for a long time. The lard on that side, the paris side, it was very good. The lard was so immensely. It's been a nice island. I think it's been one of the best holidays I've ever been. I think it's been one of the best holidays I've ever been. The whole independent kingdom of man revolves around your holiday pleasure. That's the message of this record. And of the chairman of the Isle of Man tourist board, Clifford Abbey. The people you've been listening to are only a few, a very few of our visitors. I'm not going to say they're typical because nobody's typical.

They're all individuals like you. And the great thing about the Isle of Man is that it lets you make your holiday what you want it to be. The one thing these people have in common is the welcome they've had. A warm, sincere welcome which I now extend to you. The kind of welcome that really makes you feel like someone special. The book with this record tells you exactly how to get here and where to stay. Look at it now. Make it your first step towards your holiday in the Isle of Man. And then we did the one you got on your wall, the engine fault record. See it now, I've got an engine,

that's a classic Flexi, isn't it? Which is just literally the sounds of different parts of an engine. So when you... Having a fault. Yes. So identify a fault. Yes. So identify a fault with. So you turn your engine on and it goes... And you go, oh, I've got to listen to the

record to find out what that is. Oh, that's it. Clong, clong. No, it's not that one. Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger. Not that one. Oh, it's that one. No, that doesn't sound the same. Shut up or fuck off. Why? Well, you've got to try and be careful. Why? That's you've got to try and be careful.

Why? That's what you said. First. Yeah. And then the gasket's gone. Yeah. The flange gasket's gone. Yes.

And also, there's something wrong with your car. Oh, madam, your flange gasket's gone. And also, your car's broken. And you've got a great big hairy cunt. Piston slap, caused by a worn bore, is a rapid tinkling, not unlike pinking. This is piston slap on a two-stroke. slap on a two-stroke. Unless the wear is severe, the noise disappears when the engine is hot. Here's the same engine when fully heated. You can't hear the piston slap now. Now for a tricky little noise that an expert mechanic will soon spot.

It's the crack of an electric spark jumping to earth from a leaky high tension lead. The insulation has broken down and the result is uneven firing. This is the same engine with a new high tension lead fitted to the sparking plug. Read how you can fix all these faults and many others in Motorcycle Mechanics magazine. Wise riders buy Motorcycle Mechanics regularly. Every month there are dozens of pages devoted to maintenance and overhaul of all types of machines. Cheerio, and watch how you ride. Yeah. Right. So, this is a fucking fantastic book.

It's a fucking great book. It's only a tenner by the way Really fascinating and it's just so it really it's the ephemera that really captures which is adverts and promotional things that really captures the time And they're actually quite beautiful as well You look at some of them and even though it's like chintzy

of its day, the graphics design and stuff is just beautiful The photographs of women with the graphics design and stuff is just beautiful the photographs of women with the perfume and it looks great because most of them or some of them are picture discs so they have got the image and the color and the face and all this stuff upon it yes so i've picked out actually a few pages i wanted to talk about but let's play what are the ones you've got because you've got a few flexi discs haven't you uh yes um in fact i've got a couple which are the sort of uh private eye ones and he he has kept because private i did a lot

yeah they did a few that are very similar in here to the ones i have actually 60s private eye ones yeah i mean i can't i don't want to put pictures up on the website from the books i think if people want to get the book they should just read it i don't want to spoil it by taking pictures and put it up on our website. But I will put a picture up of the book. I'm going to go talk about the ones I have here. Yeah. So this is one called the BBC Gnome Service. And that's...

Is that a private eye? I believe it must be because it's got that same sticker, doesn't it? Yeah, similar to the one you see printed in the book. Because as I say, the book is full of pictures of different types of flexis and sometimes just the labels. And this is a plain black flexi with one small sticker that says the BBC Nine service. Yeah.

And it says Prestium Limited. So they may be the publishers of Private Eye. Okay. So it's got 33 and a third RPM. Yeah. And it's pastiche satire of the time, isn't it? It is sort of similar to what came later with the Pythons and stuff, isn't it? When did it come out?

I'm sure it's... Well, because I read this book about psychedelic music, which mentions a song that's on this FlexiDisc, weirdly. Which is the Dudley Moore track. What was it? Peter Cook. Let's do psychedelics or something. It's not psychedelic wasp or something, is it?

It doesn't matter, mate. It's a weird... We're going to listen to some of it now. Yeah, I'm going to play a little bit. Why don't I just play the clip? Here's that Dudley Moore bit. This is the BBC Gnome Service. Here is the Newt. Bonjour, brothers.

And now the velvet tones of whispering gymnags, fresh from two years with the Uhuru Guru in the Himalayas. Psychedelic baby Won't you take a trip with me Dip your lump of sugar in the LSD We can stroll while breakers roll Beside the orange sea Psychedelic baby Won't you take a trip with me now. Dip your lump of sugar in the LSD. If you want a kinky caper, then suck the blotting paper.

Psychedelic baby. Psychedelic babies with me. So interestingly, in this book, Psychedelia and Other Colors, that I read, I can't remember the author. He talks a lot about the psychedelic music movement, both here and in the States. Very different types of things going on with the psychedelics. Yeah. And it's a really good book and he um he starts talking about the the roots of all the light shows and the tape experimentation that was

going on in the 50s that led to all of this sort of multicolored led to like jean-michel jar well eventually yeah yeah but you know what i mean he said because it wasn't just the music that was psychedelic it was the whole light show with the oil blobs, you know, the lava lamp stuff. Yeah, yeah. Which was, you know, which was like part of the whole thing with Plink Floyd, for example, was like the light show.

Dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, down, down, down. That's cringe. I know, I know. Just saying though, given that I'm setting the scene, don't be a prick. So, interestingly in that book,

he mentions this song that is on this Flexi, the BBC Gnome service. Yeah. Where it where it's like oh let's do some lsd or psychedelics you'll hear it you just heard it anyway um because i thought when you said that interestingly was like a year before sergeant peppers came out really yeah but it's still quite like a very middle class interpretation oh it's meant to be satire isn't it it? Yeah, but, like, I got confused. When you first mentioned this to me, I thought you were talking about Dudley Moore

when he did L.S. Bumblebee, which was... I can't remember what that was taken from. It was off the soundtrack for Entranced. Was it Entranced? No, you mean Bedazzled. Bedazzled. I can't remember if it's from Bedazzled or not.

It is. Oh, I should do the research, but fuck you. No, it is from Bedazzled. Anyway. Funnily enough... Draggy, draggy, Pete. Draggy, draggy.gy bumble b lsd or whatever is not this song there's a different song which i said bootleggers tried to pass off

as a lost beatles record that's weird so strange but that's again the joy of flexi because there's such weird little anomalies so i've got that one and this other one, I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus. Which is a spin on the Christmas... A private eye one as well. Perhaps you can play a clip of that as well. I'll do that right now then. Back in London, the Prime Minister, the Right Honourable Harold Wilson. Hello, and a merry Xmas to you

all. Here in the Hampstead Garden suburb, I, my wife and family are celebrating the coming of Christ with a bottle of Sinatogen. You know, Jesus was himself a radical and a socialist, and in the same way as he cast out the money changers from the temple, we in a socialist Britain will be attempting to cast out the property speculators, the rachmans, the land grabbers, and the whole structure of an effete society. And now to demonstrate that I'm not a one-man band, I'd like the final message to come from my good friend and trusted colleague, George Brown.

George. Come on, George, get up. That was a Christmas message from the Right Honourable George Brown. Finally, from Sandringham, Her Majesty the Queen. Hello, fans. In these days of R&B and Bluebeet, it is important that we in the royal family should be as fab and with it as we can.

And that is why my bloke and I would like to wish all you cats and chicks a really swinging Christmas and a gale new year. Ciao ciao fans! Американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, американец, Now the third Flexi that I've got is a typical Flexi, isn't it? Well, it isn't. It's an advert thing. Because it's presented quite nicely, like a storybook. It's called The Secret of the Pasha's Magic Carpet.

And it looks like a children's book. I heard about Pasha's Magic Carpet. With a turban-wearing pasha. Big, thick rug. On a flying carpet in the cover there. The Arabian Nights stereotype. If you look at the back, you can see Tredare Luxury Carpet Underlay.

Underlay! Yiba, yiba. Yiba, yeah. Yee-bye, yee-bye. Yee-bye, yeah. Which is obviously who it's an advert for. It's a strange advert, though, because what? It's like you're telling a story to kids about this kind of... And you can hear a bit of it now. Oh, yeah.

Let's play a bit of this riveting fucking storytelling. The secret of the Pasha's Magic Carpet Once upon a time in old Arabi, there was a pasha who was very fat and very old. He was so fat and so old, he couldn't remember when he had last seen his toes. His name was Pasha Pasha. Pasha Pasha. Hasha Pasha called his Housier to him. The Housier is like a prime minister and a holy man and a camel wrestling coach all rolled into one.

The Housier, of course, was thin and had a long grey beard. Housier, sighed Hasha Pasha. I am growing old and want to retire to my modest villa at El Hamamansi. Advise me how best I can choose a young man to be Pasha after me. The Huzir scratched his beard and whispered in the Pasha's ear. Hasha Pasha nodded his several chins and said, Oh, truly, you are a wise old hosier. So it's terrible, isn't it? I fucking fell asleep. Not fell asleep, but I zoned out listening to it. It's just shit.

It's awful. It's got no narrative. Ignoring the casual racism. And also there's a whole sort of of he does the voice of these Indian characters it's like what's a story about a man who spoils who gets a rug

and gets a better rug and then gets another rug and they buy some underlay and it's just boring but that's the kind of yeah that's the kind of

I fascinate it because it's so ephemeral and so like throw away but again what I like about it is yeah you would never get that

I should say Daddy's Kissing Santa Claus is also private eye did I mention that? I don't know if you did but you have now. The thing about that kind of thing though

is that you'd never get that released on vinyl because it'd be a waste of money literally a waste of money to do that. So vinyl these flex discs gave

odd little sound experiments a place to exist. Yes. These little these things that were built because they specifically fitted the ephemeracy of the FlexiDisc.

That's right, because it's cheaper, but was cheaper. But, Paul, you do get some pretty ephemeral adverts on little seven inches as well, don't you, as we've covered in this show?

Have we? The Malteser, what's it, the Ovaltine. Well, that was like a big song taken from a well-known advert. It's like when they released like Flat Eric track,

you know, for the Levi jeans, the puppet thing. Yeah, well, see, well, they do. That's what I mean. That Flat Eric track, you know, for the Levi jeans, the puppet thing. Yeah, well, see, well, they do. That's what I mean. That's just as ephemeral. I want to go through this book

very quickly and pick out a few topics that I was interested in. One is, where are we? Page 17, which was interesting. Here we go. Pretty Talk,

a record that teaches your budgie to talk. That's so classic flexy, isn't it? Now, apparently, it says here, it's a two-sided instructional disc

with simply the words and phrases clever little boy give me a kiss repeated endlessly so your budgie may catch on but actually makes you

think the record is scratched yeah that's the definition of madness that's a madness record yeah imagine that was all

you had left on your desert island it's like that story I said on the podcast years ago about my mate who literally put a recording of him

saying say nipples say nipples to his budgie yeah and then his budgie won they went nipples It's like that story I said on the podcast years ago, about my mate who literally put a recording of him saying, say nibbles, say nibbles to his budgie. Yeah. And then his budgie one day went, nibbles, died. Really? Is that true? That's a true fucking story. I was there when it happened.

He fucked that bird up, man. Yeah, he did. This one, number 68, is something I really want. Ballmers, the Sidus people, invite you to star with Bob Monkhouse. Bob Monkhouse keeps cropping up, doesn't he? I know, it's a Bob Monkhouse kind of show, which means he's probably going to... Oh no, he's dead.

Fucking hell, Paul. He's well dead. He died like 15 years ago. Paul must invite you to star with Bob Monkhouse at your own party with this do-it-yourself comedians kit. I'm going to look on YouTube, and if I can find it, I'm going to put it in right now. And here they are.

They need no introduction. They already know each other. Let's just say that in show business, they're the greatest act on record. And here they come. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, then. Thank you, thank you. Hello there and thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Bob Monkhouse. Well, go ahead.

Tell the people who you are. S. What does the S stand for? All right. Tell me something. Do you know any good jokes? Good. Well, keep quiet while I tell a few of mine. Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what a zookey is?

You don't know what a zookey is? Well, I'll tell you. It's the key to it. No, no, no, no, no. You haven't got the idea. I do the jokes, remember? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what love on the rocks is? You don't know what love on the rocks is?

Well, I'll tell you. It's done on... Wait a minute. I thought you said you didn't know any jokes. It says here in the description, it was in 1963, surprisingly clever party record produced by cider maker H.P. Ballmer

presented in a gatefold sleeve with a leaflet of instructions. This disc allowed you to enter into a double act with Bob Monkhouse. Cool. You simply talk in the gaps it leaves on the track. Now that's famously like the Vincent Price Be Your Own Actor, is it called?

That we've done on clickables in the past. Did we cover that as well? Those were actual LPs where they give you a script and you play it. The albums were called All Star. And the idea is that you got this vinyl with excerpts of plays. It was like not only Vincent Price,

it was like Heckler and Levenso. He wasn't the only one who did it. No, there's a few actors. And you got a booklet inside that had the play that you were doing excerpts of. So you could literally, you know, in the gaps on the vinyl. But didn't it make a noise when you were meant to speak? No, it just went... It's just a gap.

No, it just has a gap. No, because that'd be really awful. I think there was a cue noise. No, there wasn't. There was generally just a gap. But do you remember also that led to... I got the audio. A Monty Python piss take. Do led to a Monty Python piss take?

Do you remember the Monty Python piss take? Oh, vaguely. Yeah, very good. The Monty Python did a whole piss take of Be Your Own Actor. Oh, I can't remember. But anyway, some entertaining use of the medium too by putting a deliberate scratch onto the record that Bob thanks you for bumping on.

Ah. So I would love that. That would be one I'd love to own. Might be quite rare. And the problem is with flexes, Paul, is getting them in a condition that is anywhere near playable. Because I think we've mentioned before, if you fold them, they become unplayable.

I've got one that I really wanted. It's got a big fold in it. It's got a fold. But now it plays only because the weight of the fucking needle is so... The downforce is so strong that it kind of holds it into place. The tracking force on your terrible, yeah, your terrible what's it called? Record player. You know, but what's that fucking record

player called? Brunswick, is it? I don't know, but that, yeah, you're right, that suitcase you think. The suitcase shit. Yeah, I know but it's like, I'm not a collector and I don't But you're ruining a vinyl. You're not! That's a fucking myth! There's like videos that say, yeah, they're bad machines,

but actually they're better than the ones that exist in the 60s. And that's what you play those records on in the first place anyway. And they seem to be still fine. So yeah, they're not great

and not going to be as high end as the stuff that you own and use. But fuck you. For someone like me who can't afford to have a separate system out there with different speakers

and an amp and everything. You might in the future though. Yeah, maybe. But right now, to get my fix, I have one of those little things and I use it really and I use it well and it helps make this fucking podcast. So stick it up your

fucking arse, you fucking dirty little prick. I'm sorry. There's no need for that. There was no need. I'm very defensive. I'm going to drink more wine. Don't drink anymore. I hate everything about it. Here's one.

On love, Kenny Everett and Michael Aspel. I'd love that. Now, I just have to say, if I found any of the ones in this book, I'd snap them up. They really are quite hard to come by, though, aren't they? Especially in good condition. There have been so many I wanted to buy and then found out that there's these. These ones are nice. And also, I was saying about

the different formats they do come in lots of different formats I mean he's obviously picked ones that are visually interesting for this book to some extent

yeah but there's a load more that are just interesting just because of what they are which might not have any pictures on you know like for example

you get mini ones you know that are tiny or five inch and even smaller three inch ones yeah that are just, or five inch and even smaller, three inch ones. Yeah.

That are just excerpts from the music from the love story. Oh, a little snippet, yeah. Stuff like that. So this one, Kenny Everett, Michael Aspel, White Elephant Productions, 74, begins as a spoof of a porn flexi, which is a thing that apparently exists then. Porn flexis existed.

Maybe there's a flexi that they put on porn mags and it was like, read his wife's letters and they just read them out. My wife likes it when I put a fucking chicken drumstick up here fucking wet, sopping munter. Munter? Yeah, and then I fucking lick it out and I go, finger licking good, love. And then she goes, eww, and queefs in my gob. Fucking hell.

Sorry. Paul, we need to curtail this. Anyway, it settles into an Everett-style broad. Queefs in my gob. Fucking hell. Sorry. Paul, we need to curtail this. Anyway, it settles into an Everett-style broadcast. Queefs in my gob. Jesus. I'm sorry. Fucking hell, Paul. Anyway, it settles into an Everett-style broadcast.

That obviously means cut-ups and sound effects and all kinds of stuff. He was a master of that stuff, wasn't he? Yeah, we've spoken to him before. You know, he loved the soundscapes. On his home studio. He taped his own different versions of his shows and sent them out, wasn't he? Yeah, we've spoken to him before. You know, he loved the soundscapes. On his home studio, he taped his own different versions of his shows and sent them out, didn't he? Yeah, to multiple stations at the same time, with different idents and things like that when needed.

So there were different versions? Yeah, it was the same basic show, but he'd cut in a different ident. But he didn't need to do that. He did because of the situation he put himself in, where he was on various stations at the same time, and he couldn't be there all the time so he sent

he did one live and they didn't want the same show no to be broadcast on all the different stations you're thinking about they have a different

musical playlist for a star so he would have to curate all that obviously the ident would be different but he preferred to be at home

and they have to be timed out to the hour so he hits the news and he knows where his ins and outs are so it's he's editing them down to the second

to get it on air. But why did he want to do it not because he had to do so many? Is that why he went turned to doing it at home? I mean, I don't know the largest amount of information about Kenny Everett, but I just got the impression

that his career eventually led him to be in a situation where he was doing multiple shows and multiple edits and sending them out. I'll probably be corrected by someone who knows more, but frankly, fuck him. I wonder how many of his, what was his video show called?

The video show? Kenny Everett video show, yeah. By Barry Cryer writing for it. That was the first time, one of the first things I remember watching on TV. I vividly remember the Do You Think I'm Sexy video. Yes, so do I. With arse exploding. It's funny.

She was big in the playground, that character. What's she called? Big Fanny or whatever she was. What are you talking about, Big Fanny? You know, isn't necessarily whatever, in the playground. What was that character? What's she called? Big Fanny or whatever she was. What are you talking about? Big Fanny. You know, isn't necessarily whatever with the legs. Toya Wilcox. No, the character he did.

Cupid Stunt. Cupid Stunt. In the best possible taste. It's all in the best possible taste. Which we'll talk about in a future episode because we're going to touch on comedians and rapping. Ah. Yeah? Yes.

We should do because I really didn't want to talk about that. Yes, we're going to cover that. There's an upcoming platters. That's better, Michael. Now, what did you want to talk about? What? Yes. Love. Love.

Love means never having to say you're sorry that you've got wind. The purest form of love is a man's love for his daughter, they say. I fancy mine. Have you ever had unrequited love? Would you love her? What's unrequited mean? Unrequited means that you don't get it back. Oh, yes, yes.

I had that. Where are you now, Margaret Parnell? Where are you now, Henry? Sandra's dead, actually. But, oh, I loved her deeply, that girl. Mine didn't have a deeply. She loved Jim Healy. What, the minister?

Yeah, him as well. She loved everybody. Old Jim. Everybody but me. Oh, I was a repulsive youth. But look what I turned into. A repulsive old foot. Let me tell you, there's a quote here from D.H. Lawrence.

Can I have echo for this, please? Right. Are we on? Yes. The moment I swear to love a woman, a certain woman all my life, that moment I begin to hate her. The moment I even say to a woman, I love you, my love dies down considerably.

Luckily, that's not my problem, so it's all right. Do you want to come out of the echo chamber now? I was still in. Yes, you are, you're in. All right, here we go. That's better. Yes, that's absolutely true. As soon as you say I love you to somebody, they go,

oh, yes, nice day. Yes. Unless they love you back, in which case they explode in a flagorism of ecstasy they do chuck it about that phrase I think there's one or two more I want to talk about 128, page 128 I want to know what this is

if I can find the audio I'm going to put it in I'm the noodle doodle man John Pertwee, it was for Heinz and it's a two sided flexi, which again is reasonably rare with John Pertwee who was the third doctor or Wurzel Gummage It was Fort Hines, and it's a two-sided Flexi, which, again, is reasonably rare. With John Pertwee, who was the third doctor, or Wurzel Gummidge. Oh, yeah.

Wurzel Gummidge. Here we go. I was in McDonald's. Da-da-da-da-da. Having a shit. Da-da-da-da-da. And then I came out. Da-da-da-da-da.

And I looked at it. Right, great. No, come on. No, I was enjoying that. Da-da-da-da-da. I took it out. Da-da-da-da-da. Right, off the No, come on. No, I was enjoying that. I took it out. Right, off the pan. Why?

I keep saying da-da-da-da-da. And then I said, I'm a shitty loving man and I've got shitty. Oh, I've got some shitty hands. Here's a song, Eli. Da-da-da-da-da. There are two mucky boys who do a little pod.

And every time they speak, shit comes out of their gob. Because it's so scatological. It's causing a fuss. We're never gonna win an award because we're us. Because we're us. And we talk about

shit. Because we're cheap show. How we don't give a fuck about it. Some elderly gentlemen are eating burgers in front of me. Not elderly. Maybe like 50s. And they're going oh cat weasel this, cat weasel that. Who was cat weasel? gentlemen are eating burgers in front of me. Not elderly. Maybe like 50s. Yeah. In their 50s.

And they're going, oh, Catweasel this, Catweasel that. Who was Catweasel? For those who don't know, Catweasel was a show in the 70s about this weird trampy guy you got into a scratch. And was he played by John Pertwee? No. Then they start talking about John Pertney. Pertwee. Who was this John Pert... Who was that guy? He played.

Who was he? John Pertwee. He played this guy. It was a show. It wasn't Catweasel. It he John Pertwee he played this guy it was a show it wasn't Cat Weasel it was John Pertwee and he changed his head he changed his head and I'm like that's Wurzel Gummidge they'll get it soon

they'll remember it's Wurzel Gummidge everyone remembers Wurzel Gummidge but no they keep trying to remember what that fucking thing was for about two minutes Cat Weasel and I'm like

I shouldn't I know what it is and I want to tell them I want to impart this information to them you know so I just say quite loudly

because they keep going keep trying to progress I'm just like Wurzelgummage they ignore me say that out loud they ignore me yeah

I'm just behind them you went Wurzelgummage yeah Wurzelgummage they'll go oh yeah Wurzelgummage

there'll be some hearing contact through osmosis they'd suck it in yeah or they'd go oh he's just said Wurzelgummage that'll go, oh yeah, Wurzelgummidge. There'll be some hearing. There'll be some hearing. And through osmosis, they'd suck it in. Yeah. Or they'd go, oh, he's just said Wurzelgummidge. That's the words that I was trying to remember. Nothing.

Nothing. And then I said, Wurzelgummidge! And then I said, thrice. Wurzelgummidge! Nothing. And then I felt like, I'm the mad one. You're the mad one shouting Wurzelgummidge. I'm like, okay, fine.

You're on your own sitting there. And every now and then you go, Wurzel Gummidge! Yeah, I know. You fucking idiot. I hate them. I hate those people. John Pertwee singing as the Noodle Doodle Man covered in Heinz tomato sauce.

Let's see. Can I see the cover? I didn't see the cover of that one. It's like a weird cartoon thing, obviously in a paper bag. Of a Noodle Doodle Man. Yeah. Oh, that's excellent.

I'm the Noodle Doodle Man. Yes, the Noodle Doodle Man Yes, the Noodle Doodle Man I take spaghetti and I doodle cars And books and stars and threes And lots and lots of shapes like these I'm the Noodle Doodle Man Noodle doodles come, of course In the Heinz tomato sauce

You'll love my recipe For snacks or lunch or tea. Heinz Noodle Doodles, yum, yum, yum, food's ever been such fun. I'm the Noodle Doodle Man, yes, the Noodle Doodle Man, with a doodling mind and shapes of every kind. A triangle for a start, then a ladder and a heart. A pussycat, a bowler hat, in Heinz tomato sauce of course, a diamond and a mouse. Here's a horseshoe and a house. shoe and the house. I give you all the shapes I can. I'm the Noodle Doodle

Man. And then go to the last one, page 136, and tell me what you see. Ah, a little keyboard demonstration. Saturn H and Saturn 2. Little keyboard demonstration fucking records, mate.

Little plingity-plongities. What am I going to do? Go to 136 and tell me what the vinyl is there. Ah, this is Leather Sex Orgy, 1981. One-sided freebie disc from Rapier magazine. Yeah. Not Rapier magazine, which is probably what it kind of is. Unconvincingly, grubby chat between two ladies leading to even less convincing dominatrix scenes with a male slave client.

Hello. I'm Bulb. Well, it's unconvincing, though, Paul. Oh, I'm Jemima. What are you going to do for us, Jemima? What do you want, love? I've been in this game for 40 years. I've sucked them all.

I've sucked them big and I've sucked them small. Oh, yeah. Whatever you want, sunshine. I'll do it. Okay. What do you want? What have you got? I mean, just tell me.

Just give me a little option. My imagination's... For four pound, I'll rest your cock on my top lip and lick it with my tongue until you spunk. Well, that sounds like a blowjob, I mean. It's not quite because it doesn't go in my mouth, does it? Smart arse.

For ten pound, you can put it all the way down me throat and push it in and out, in and out, in and out until you cum. That's a tenner. That is a blowjob, though. That is one, yeah, but I don't call it that. What's number three?

I call it a tongue supreme. I'd like a number three with cashews. All right, well, for 40 pen, oh, you can get your fingers in meat if you want them. That seems a bit steep. Oh, fucking... And then if you want for 50 pound, you can touch my arsehole with your bare knuckle.

There you go, right in. You can push up to your wrist. That's what I'm good at. That's why they call me. You've forgotten the name you used at the beginning of this intro. Jeremy Jemima. Oh, Jemima, good. Thank you.

Now, there's that. I'm ashamed to be a part of this podcast. Jeremy Jemima oh Jemima good thank you you cunt now there's that and then I'm ashamed to be a part of this podcast well I'm ashamed of you yeah you should be there's another one here

Paul that I think deserves a mention yeah go on Noel Edmonds finds out about Barclay Noel Edmonds is like the

he's just he's on a lot of flexi discs yes because he's on another one they mention in there like the ready and he's also a lot of flexi discs. Yes. Because he's on another one they mention in there, like the Ready Breck.

Okay, and he's also, he's a flexi disc kind of guy, isn't he? And he was also on that weird Hallmark advert, 7-inch. Day to remember. Yeah, that's really creepy. Isn't it great when you get a present from someone? Send someone a fucking card, you fucking cunt. Send someone a card. Spend some money on some fucking cards.

Right, we're done here? Yeah? Are we done? No, I just wanted to mention on the cover of this He looks cheeky, doesn't he? He looks evil, doesn't he? He looks like he's having

a cheeky fart at the dinner table. He certainly is. And it looks like Maggie Philbin's next to him. No, not Maggie. And they're eating dinner, aren't they? Weird.

Why would they be eating dinner talking about... I don't know. Without hearing it, we don't know. Now, that's a lovely book, Wobbly Sounds, a collection of British flexi discs by Johnny Trunk. Yeah. And highly recommend it.

And if you see any flexis out there, grab them. You never know what you might get on them. Grab some flexis. Yeah. I like them. Send us a picture. Send us a picture. A flip shirt.

On Twitter or on Instagram. Give us a tagging and we will share it but we hope you've enjoyed our walk down flexi disc lane ha ha i am the master of segments and i declare this segment over a master the people have they've been disappointed with the segments they haven't they've been to hell they're in the streets, Master. Why have they been... Why? Because they're disappointed with the Master of Segments. It's all that stuff about you saying that you had genitals, you know.

Right, I quit my role as Master of Segments. You quit now? Yes, I quit and I bestow it upon you. But I have a full set of genitalia, Master. Then you must take rid of it. But I have a full set of genitalia, master. Then you must take rid of it. And I shall do it by clamping my teeth around your cock and balls and biting it out of the root.

Oh, mate! Fuck off! End this segment! segment. Now it's time for Ganon's Golden Games. Games what I find in charity shops. And I think that could be good to play. Yes, that's right! It's time for

Ganon's Golden Games! I'm just going be good to play. Yes, that's right. It's time for... Gallant's Gold Games! I'm just going to say this now. You stop doing that. I'm not going to. That is not allowed. I'm not going to. You're going to. I'm not going to.

You're going to. Ladies and gentlemen, time for Gallant's Gold Games. What have we got coming up with Let's go games tonight, Paul. It's time for Get Us Go Games. Oh, God. Between the flavour of that fucking drink and that sound in my ears. Get Us Go Games.

Get Us Go Games. Stop it. I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. Let's go Get Us Go Games tonight, Paul. Today we're playing a board game version of a game that originally came out for the Nintendo DS. Is that true? Yeah.

Why is it now a board game? Based on the original best-selling Nintendo DS game. And we're playing Big Brain Academy board game. Who has the biggest brain? That's the game. Are we going to determine that between yourself and I? We are. We're going to determine that between yourself and I? We are. We're going to determine that today. Obviously, it's a cheap show

so we're going to play a simplified version of it. Paul, you got his golden gaze. It's fun to say that, isn't it? Where are you going to put the board? Well, we don't have a board. That's the great thing. Don't we? We don't have a board. There's a spinner. It comes

with this. This is the game piece it is a set of scales wow see and then you put this is quite neat isn't it you put these little cups on the side scales of justice so it's the scale of who's got a bigger brain of intelligence so you've got a bigger one it's heavier now fuck it's all coming out come on stick it up there here we go there's a problem

what put it it's not even it's not on a level surface it's about level as it is there we go there we go

and you get you see photos of Ganon's golden games so on the website so the rules are basically you think that zip lock

bag came with the original set no I added these because they were all loose and everywhere in the box. Good gaming. So, I put it in a Ziploc to protect... Good gaming. Game modding. So, here's the thing. You get different types of

cards with different puzzles on and answers. And there are different types. So, category... Category reference guide. Oh, there we go. Think. So, these are things that challenge your brain. Well, they all do, don't they? It's Big Brain Academy.

Yeah, but they have a style like... No, that's not working for me yet. It's like, look, there's... I don't... Green cards. The green cards are think cards. Yeah. And what kind of...

Blue is compute. So I think that's like mathematical. Math. Mathematical. Yeah. So think maybe is like logical thinking. Lateral. Yeah, lateral.

And then compute is like numbers and shit. Yeah. They've got analyze, where you must look at something or hear something and then analyze it for the answer. Memorize. You've got to memorize stuff. That's good. All right. I reckon I'm stronger than that.

And then identify. So cards that you... Anagrams. With your thinking oh look they've got tangrams there tangrams I bought that book

tangrams yeah it's got all the tangrams in it all the tangrams I'd love to find an actual tangram set Paul and then work

on those tangrams I like tangrams right how to play divided into two teams great oldest play in the group goes first that's Eli

because he's old player one blah blah blah 30 seconds to answer the question. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I give a fuck. Let's just play.

Paul, you shouldn't have drunk before Gladden's Golden Games. Gladden's Golden Games! We'll play this for 20 minutes. All right. And here's what we'll do. We'll rattle through as quickly as we can. What about these? Oh, you get one and you put it in the thing.

So whoever wins will have the most coins in. And it will have the weight of the coins and the scales. Yeah. That would be the biggest. So let me think. I'm going to put a time of 20 minutes. And we also need to time 30 second intervals where you're working out. Yeah.

And you're not allowed pen and paper. Are you? No. No. All right. Okay. 20 minutes. We got we're sorted right reset right we got that we don't need pen and paper because you just got to add the little coins to the tray no i mean pen and paper to work out the problem nah fuck you use your brain use your fucking brain

no paper for you first start the clock look comes a little decoder so you can see answers little red decoder okay do we need to. A little red decoder. Okay. Do we need to use it? Yeah, because some cards, the answers are on the card, but you shouldn't see them. See there? It's a little red. Okay.

And then, yeah, it tells you. Right. So how we pick the rounds is you use the spinner, innit? Okay. It's spinner. All right, I'll spin, shall I? You can go first, Eli. Spin it now.

Identify. Identify. Identify. Observe, detect and recognise. Right, so... Oh, he started. Hang on. No, I've only stopped... You didn't do 20 minutes. You did 20 seconds.

I did 20 seconds. Yeah, that's too... Hang on. Here we go. That says 20 minutes, doesn't it? That's 20 minutes. long. Hang on. Here we go. That says 20 minutes, doesn't it? That's 20 minutes. That says 20 minutes. Here we go.

Start the cock. Here we go. It's fun. It's happening. Right, think. You better think. Identify. Unscramble the letters to form a word.

So there you go, Eli. You've got L-E-B-L-K-I-B-E. Quick, quick, quick. Is it one word? Quick, quick, quick. Quick, quick, quick. Is it one word? Quick, quick, quick've got L-E-B-L-K-I-B-E. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Is it one word? Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. I don't know. I don't know.

What do you think it is? I'll tell you what. I'll look at the answer quickly. I'll look at the answer quickly. There are two words. Okay. So you've got the top one and the bottom one. So quickly, what are they?

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four. Bell and bike. Is correct. You get a yellow coin. I'm going to put a big one in. Thank you. There you go. Your turn.

My turn. I spin the wheel. You spin the wheel. Spin, spin, spin the wheel of that thing. Right, and it's landed on... Compute. I'm fucked. Not necessarily. You've got to find a compute card.

What do they look like? I think it's in the middle one. What do they look like? They're blue. So they'll have the words compute written on them in the yellow segment. There you go. Segment, yeah. Segment.

It's the yellow segment. You ready for your compute question? Yeah, here we go. Here we go. I'm ready for it, mofo Solve the equation Yeah Four times six

Four times six Is Twenty-four Yes Yay What colour's that? Blue Blue

Oh, the blue's only little The blue's only little. The blue's only little. Yeah, because it was easy, that's why. Ah, fuck! All right, Kate, you spin the wheel now, you shit monkey. You're amusing yourself and no one else. I'm drinking, we drink.

Analyse. Analyse more like. Yes. Analyse. Come on Speed it up, drunky I can't find the orange, can I? You fucking dick splat Sorry, that's not working for me

Where is it? Oh, here we go I found it, governor Right Analise Oh Hang on, let me read the answer first Have you got the thing to read it with?

Right Okay He's looking at a cube game Count the number of blocks in this image Oh, hang on. Let me read the answer first. Have you got the thing to read it with? Right. Okay. He's looking at a cube game. Count the number of blocks in this image. Go. Right, you've got 15 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

Go. It's 13, Paul. It's the correct answer. Do you know what also doesn't help? Someone has scrawled the answer next to it in pen. So, I get it. Just check that next time. Orange. Someone's written the answer on in pen.

Right, you got orange, which is a little odd. I just have to say I counted. No, I'm sure you did. I trust you. I think you're fucking great, you, mate. Okay, come on in pen. Right, you got orange, which is a little odd. I just had to say I counted. No, I'm sure you did. I trust you. I think you're fucking great, you, mate. Okay, come on, mate. I love you. It's your turn, mate.

Thank you. It's your turn, mate. My spin the wheel. Here we go. What is it next? It's going to be think. You better think. Think.

Think about what the next question's going to be. Yeah, think. Think, think. Let your question card come question's going to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Think. Think, think. Let your question card come out right knee. It's come out. This is bullshit. It's physical. You don't have room to do it.

All right, do another one then. Just quick, quick, quick. That's shit as well. Oh, fucking hell. Pick one. It's the same. Just pick one that I can do. It doesn't matter if I can do it.

Just let me do it. God. Oh, mate. Don't pick. Jerry, pick. If it's visual, I can still do it. I'll put the card up on the website so people can see the cards we've done. Check the heaviest object.

Right. Okay, good. I'll have a look. Check the heaviest object. Right. You need to actually look at the answer first, the little red thing, so you know what the answer is. Right.

Can you see? Oh, you wank. Come on, wanker! How are you meant to know which is heaviest? You're meant to put it on the bottom. I don't know. Have a look. It looks like a B and...

Well, no. Whatever's the heaviest. Yeah. Well, that's obviously the little ladybird thing because it's lower down. Is that right? Fucking hell, this game sucks. Don't give a fuck.

It's green. Oh, it's a big coin. It's a big coin. Oh, we're even. Here we go. My turn. Right. Oh, it's a big coin. It's a big coin. Oh, we're even. Here we go. My turn. Right, next you spin the wheel. Here we go.

15 minutes left. 15 minutes left. Memorise. Right, give us the card. Give us the thing, I'll find you a memorise card. Quickly, quickly, boy. This week's episode of Cheap Show brought to you by Wine Abyss and Paul drinking it.

Right, memorise the sequence of numbers and then repeat it back. episode of cheap show brought to you by wine abyss and paul drinking it right memorize the sequence of numbers and then repeat it back memorize the sequence of numbers and repeat it back i'm going to say it once very quickly and you have to repeat it back i've got two numbers here only two numbers well there's two rows of numbers well how are you going to say them as if they're a big number if it's like it's it's this one is one two three four five six numbers this was one two three four five six seven, 9 digits in a row. So I'm going to say them once quickly, and you're going to say it back to me as accurately as you can.

Here we go. But you say them as a whole number, so 2,600. No, it'll be like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. So say it like that, right? Here we go. Ready? 7, 7, 5, 9, 9, 5. 7, 7, 5, 5, 9, 5.

No, it's 775995 No card for you I'll give you another go No you get one and that's it All moving on my turn Give me the spinner Nothing in your trolley I'm going to cheat so you don't get this right

Don't cheat I'm not cheating with you You cheated there Oh compute It's going to cheat so you don't get this right. Here we go. Don't cheat. I'm not cheating with you, am I? Cheated. You cheated there. I didn't. Yes, you did. Oh, compute. Compute. It's going to be a math swap. And I'm going to drink me wine.

I'm going to be vomiting later. You might be, Paul. Well, you have to go and do business in Camden, man. Don't get too pissed. You are. You're drinking that whole bottle of wine, man. You weren't going to drink it. It's going to go to waste.

I have no self-respect. I'm going to drink my wine, my green wine. Are you ready for your maths question? Go on. Yeah. And you have 30 seconds. All right. Can we time 30 seconds?

I'll count. Go. Eight times seven minus ten. Eight times seven minus 10. 8 times 7 minus 10. So 4 7's 7 7's 40. It's 28.

28. 28. 52 minus 10 is 42. No. Wrong. Fuck off. What is the answer? 46. Ah, fuck off. Fuck off? What is the answer? 46. Ah, fuck off. Fuck off.

I don't like... You're go. Spin the wheel. What is the answer? 46. Is it? Yeah. Have a look.

It's fucking 46. You spin your fucking wheel. Oh, yeah, it's 46. Think. You better think. These are terrible, these think ones, because they've got physical ones, which is stupid. Think. You better think. These are terrible, these think ones, because they've got physical ones, which is stupid. Think.

You see? Yeah, it's fine, but that's all right. This is good. Paul's looking at all the think ones. I'm going to fucking do it, innit? Are you? I'm going to make you fucking do it. Put your hands on your knees and cross your legs over your left leg.

Put your hands on your knees and cross your right leg over your left leg. He's done it. He's done it, so he gets a green little biscuit. There you go. Are you happy now? No. Right, I get to go and I spin in the wheel. And it's spinning around and it's landing on.

Think! Oh. You make me do a stand-up one. I'll do it. You watch me. Balance on your right leg. Left, right, yeah. And extend your arms out in front of you.

I'm counting. He's struggling now. I'm not struggling. I'm drunk. I'm drunk. Yeah, all right, good. You got it. Yay.

Although I did lose my shit. Oh, that's exciting. So what colour is that green? Yeah. I put a green one in my slappy. In your slappy? What? Who's winning so far?

Oh, it's exactly the same. There's no difference, mate. Right, we've got to cack on. Give me the spinner. Spin it. Spin it to win it. The Big Brain Academy board game. Identify. Oh, it me the spinner. Spin it. Spin it to win it. The Big Brain Academy board game. Identify. Oh, it gives the board.

Identify. Identify. Oh, we've got one on the top here. Let's have a look. Identify. Oh, that's a bit complicated. Oh, come on, mate. Stop now. Oh, this one's got the answers written on. Okay, here's another one. Unscramble the words to form

a letter. So, there you go. You've got two words to unscramble. Let me just quickly find them. Okay, here's another one. Unscramble the words to form a letter. So, there you go. You've got two words to unscramble. Let me just quickly find them. Okay, good. You've got 50. To form a letter? To form words. You've got two words on there. Tower and Snoop. And what? Snoop. No, spoon, you fucking idiot. So you don't get a point.

No, Snoop is a word as well. It's not, but that's not the answer. It's spoon. Snoop is a word as well. It's not, though. It's not the answer on the card. But it's not the answer on the card. I don't care. It's not, but that's not the answer. It's spoon. Snoop is a word as well. It's not, though. It's not the answer on the card. But it's not the answer on the card. I don't care. It's not the answer on the card. I'm walking out.

Otherwise, they'd put snoop on it, wouldn't they? Do the end of the podcast yourself. No, fuck off. Stay here. No, you do the fucking... You fuck off. Drink your fucking wine. Drink your fucking stupid wine.

And just do whatever, yeah? Because I'm not... I won't be... I won't know. I'm not taking part. Do it. Ask yourself a question. Ask yourself a question. Ask yourself a question.

Ask you a question. Why are you a big fat dickhead? Where are you going? I'm going. Don't. Snoop is a word and I deserve a button. You're not getting a point because the answer on the card is spoon. I don't care.

I'm going. You go then. Oh, wow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, that means by default, Paul Gannon wins. No, no, no. That means by default, Paul Gannon wins. No, I'm back.

No, you're not. No, I knew it meant you won. You fucking walked out. You left the area of play. Therefore, you have forfeited. I just went by Mount Godpants. No, you fucking left. I was looking to see if there's skiddies around.

You left the perimeter. Any skiddies around? You left the perimeter. I didn'ties around? You left the perimeter. I didn't leave no perimeter. I punctured your perimeter hole. You did not puncture my perimeter. I did. I fucking pierced your perimeter hole with my poultice penis.

I'm going to fucking pull it off at the root. Come on, mate. What? Stop saying that. I'm going to keep saying it. Let me spin the thing. Spin the stupid thing, you cunt. How long have we got this fucking game? Eight minutes. Great me spin the thing. Spin the stupid thing, you cunt. How long have we got this fucking

game? Eight minutes. Great. Here we go. Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin. Oh, my pick. I pick... Don't you fucking fart. I haven't. I have not. I pick Analyze. Where is Analyze?

It's orange, innit? So have a look in the packs for orange. Okay. It's quite simple to do. You've got seven minutes to do so. Why not take your fucking time? Oh, Christ. I'm going to keep on drinking.

I've nearly finished the bottle, ladies and gentlemen. I've got one more. I don't know if this is a pint or not, but I've got one more glass of it. How many liters is it? One. 75 centilitres? One litre. 55 litres. It's not 55 litres.

75 litres. Centilitres! 75 centilitres. 75 question... No, what is that? 75 magnifying glasses. No. 0% THC. 9.5 volcahol. Volcahol? Yeah, I'm drinking it.

Right, these are all shit, Paul. But here's one for you. Yeah. Animal lines. Speak into the microphone, you fucking cock. Animal lines. I'll fucking kick you in the dick. No, shut up, man.

You're unpleasant. You really are a bad drunk. I get all happy and like, you know, like a bon vivant. But you just get fucking crude, man. Crude and gay. I love all. I love all. All right, but your gayness for me comes out when you drink.

He's doing a cock sucking. Look, he's doing it like he's sucking two cocks at once I don't know shit alright come on what is it you need to get your shit together

no I'm quite distracted by that oh come on I'm going to grapefruit your ass please imagine grapefruiting someone's ass

in the grid below. They could call it a Terry's chocolate orange. That was funny, but for no reason. No, I know. It just seemed to work. Go on, what is this? That's weird. Weirdly funny.

There's not enough light in here. There's not. That works. And by that, I mean not at all. What is it? Here we go. Here we funny. There's not enough light in here. There's not. That works. And by that I mean not at all. What is it? Here we go. Here we go. What?

In the grid below, draw a line through each sequence of animals pictured above. I could do that quickly. Give me a pen. It's fucking easy. You've just got to pair them up. I don't know. In the grid below,

draw a line through each sequence of animals pictured above. So teddy bear and thingy-ma-jig. Oh, this is riveting, honestly. That and that. And then, teddy bear and thingy-ma-jig. Elephant and elephant and teddy bear. It sounds like you're pitching, like, children's TV

programmes over a boozy lunch. I've got a fucking show for you. So, okay, so thanks for coming down, Mr Gannon. So, what's your idea? You've got some animal-based children's shows. Okay, so thanks for coming down, Mr. Gannon. Oh. So what's your idea? You've got some animal-based children's shows. It's called... Did it hit me?

It pitched to me. Teddy Bear and Igloo. Teddy Bear and Igloo. Okay, and what's the concept? It's not a teddy bear. It lives in a fucking igloo, you prick. And any others? Pass.

Giraffe House. It's a fucking house with a giraffe in it. I think we've got something similar. Sorry. So anything else? Snake Teeth. It's a guy, this kid, he's think we've got Something similar Sorry So anything else Snake teeth It's a guy This kid

He's got snake for teeth I'm listening He's got snake for teeth Who a kid with snake for teeth It's like Medusa But the snakes are in his gob And does he turn people To stone like Medusa would

He can He can do Can he But he mostly just Bites them on the cock Can we get Jamelia involved Yeah we can get Jamelia In on that

She can play teacher Naughty Naughty Nora. Fuck it, aren't we? Anyway, I've drawn a little line between that. So there you go. Can you check my answers? The answer's correct. I'm fucking giving them a point. God, that's terrible. This game's shit. I'm sorry. There we go.

Do not put two buttons in at once. I did not fucking put one in. You fucking cheat. I saw two buttons splash in there. You saw one purple one go in. I'd cheat. I saw two buttons splash in there. You saw one purple one go in. I'd like to see you challenge me. I saw a blue one jump.

No, that was already in there. I hoped it was, mate. Spin your fucking wheel. I hope it was for your fucking sake. Here we go. Three minutes.

I'll get someone down here. Three minutes. You can pick whatever you like. What would you like? Group pick. Well, I'll let you pick it. Compute.

Finish this fucking drink. Compute, please. All right, let's find your compute Compute. Finish this fucking drink. Compute, please. All right, let's find your compute. All right, here we go. All right, give me that little card so I know what the answer is. Do you have it? The remainder of 21 divided by 6. One, two.

It's three. The remainder is three. Fuck you. Blue token for Eli. It's only a little one, isn't it? Like your penis. Are they randomly different sizes? No, they're that ones.

They're all this? Yeah. So some coins are worth more than others. Yeah. Some questions are worth more than others. I should have picked the one that's worth more, shouldn't I? Oh, there you go.

Right, spin the wheel, you bick. Swing the wheel, I spin it. Swing the wheel. I spin it. And here we go. Memorise. Purple. All right. I still have to piss. I've got to piss so bad.

Two minutes and then I can go piss. Come on. It's that booze, mate. It's gone right through me. Come on! Okay, you have It's gone right through me. Come on! Okay, you have to repeat this sequence of noises after I've done it. Okay. Okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Toot, toot, toot. Oh. Toot, toot, toot. No! What did I do wrong? You only had two claps at the end. No What did I do wrong? You only had two claps at the end I did two claps

You did three No Mate you did three There's no denying it Mate You know what No I will not

I'm going to edit this So I take that clap off I don't care I'm going to take that clap off I'm going to walk out Good then you forfeit You keep fucking cheating You keep fucking forfeiting

I'm not giving you a coin for that. You'll fucking forfeit. You get no coin for that. You fuck that up. You fuck off. I won that third square. No, no. This isn't even funny.

Because I edited out that third clip. All right. All right. I won't take the point. Good. Because it would be wrong of you to do that. Spin the wheel. Think.

Think about what you're trying to do to me oh think think about that fucking STD they're all the fucking same oh shit come on I just need one

the animal ah fuck it doesn't really fucking matter the animal moves down the line and cross each horizontal line every time just fucking just say just say you've won it and I each horizontal line every time a... Just fucking just say you've won it and I'll give you the point.

It's fucking shit, that one. What do I have to do? Trace it, one animal to another animal. That's easy. I know, it's fucking too easy. I've done it. Yeah, I know, where's your point? What is it? Green. We've got a minute left. I need to fucking spin the wheel. Spin the stupid wheel. Give me the fucking wheel.

It's spinning. It's spinning. Yeah. Yellow, identify. He's doing that. I'm going to drink more of this fucking green shit. I wouldn't, man. We have business to attend to in Camden.

Come on, green. All right. Yellow, sorry. No, it's over over No, give me it Allow me the chance to get it The game is over Give me the point The game is over

Give me the chance to answer I will not There was 20 seconds before you could pull out a card So you owe me a question Fuck you, alright then Here's some anagrams Anagrams Right, check the answers first

With the little red thing So you know the answers first with the little red thing. So you know the answers as they are on the card. I can't fucking see that. Oh, for fuck's sake. Give me the light on your light. Wingy baby, wingy baby, boom, boom. Give me that. Okay.

Yeah? Brain, the bottom one, and rest... That's your time up. Fuck! Who won? Soccer. Soccer! So who won?

The weight, it's exactly the same. No, let's just count the tokens then. All right, let's count tokens, because it weighs the same. But let's count the tokens in the bucket. I have one, two, three, four tokens. And I have five. No, then, four tokens. And I have five. No, then you fucking win.

At last. It's about time. I'm going for a piss. Now, Paul, can we just end the show, please? Yeah. Honestly, don't drink. Stop drinking. You need to take a photo of that.

Paul, did you take a photo of the wine before you drank it? I didn't do it. I took a photo of the wine before you drank it I didn't do it I drank the I took a photo of the bottle and the glass alright so don't you fucking

come in my ass and tell me what the fucking come in your ass come in my ass alright ladies and gentlemen that was another successful segment of

Cheap Spartans even how you're quoting fucking that guy what me that's that guy isn't it what're quoting fucking that guy? What, me? That's that guy, isn't it? What, me? I'm that guy. Mickey Flanagan.

What do you mean, Mickey Flanagan? He has that come in my ass joke. I didn't ever hear of it. Ladies and gentlemen, that was another successful segment of Cheap Show. I feel sick. Scandons Golden Games. I feel sick. I know, mate.

You drank it really fast, and it's the worst wine I've ever tasted in my life. I feel real bad. Now, Paul, what did you think of that game? It's all right. It wasn't very good. It's all right. It's all right. It's not an audio podcast game.

It's all right. I had fun. And if it wasn't for the fact that you're a massive cheat, I would have had more fun. Yeah. Are you ready? Are we going to do the outro? Let's do the outro.

Shall I do it? Do you want me to do it for you? I can do it. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli's doing the outro. Here we go. Thank you so much, Patreon supporters for supporting us. You make this show possible, and if you are interested in supporting what we do, you can go

to CheapShow forward slash Patreon. It we do you can go to cheap show forward slash patreon.com forward slash cheap show patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you can give as little as one pound one dollar a month or more and there are special things that happen if you are a patron. We're on all of

these social medias we have a facebook page we have a twitter file twitter account tumblr uh find us on instagram yeah uh tumblr just look for cheap show and we have a website www.thecheapshowpod.co.uk okay and uh paul's also got his own personal twitter do you mention that at paul gannon show at the cheap show pod and you are? I'm on Twitter Eli Snowy D-L-I-S-N-O-I-D

And I'm about to finish this fucking I wouldn't I really wouldn't finish this last bottle It's like fucking emerald it's emerald green it's thick green

Follow the yellow brick road Here we go I'm going to down it and end the episode I hope you don't down that and follow the yellow brick puking out of your mouth The yellow shit road

more like The yellow squ road, more like. The yellow squit road. Yellow squit road. This is the funniest podcast in the world. Oh, God. I'm going to down it to finish the episode. All right. Here we go.

Oi, oi. He's done a whole bottle in the episode, everybody. How do you feel, Paul? Absolutely fucking horrible. It has dyed the inside of your mouth green. Has it? Yeah. Don't lick your hand. Oh, mate. Look at your mouth,

you dirty green-mouthed cunt. I've been a bad boy, Daddy. Stop that. You've been a bad boy, Daddy, and I love you. Stop that. You've been bad boy, daddy. Stop it. Stop it. Daddy, you've been a bad boy. I'm pressing stop.

All right, you press stop then. I will press stop. And I'll suck it right after. No, please. Grow up. you