CheapShow - Ep 130: CheapFlix

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

It's time to raid the DVD/Blu-Ray Bargain Bins and hunt for a piece of cinematic art that can be bought for a few pounds or even pence. In a change to the usual madness, Eli and Paul decided to choose a cheap movie to watch, discuss it and, hopefully, have a bit of fun... What happens instead is that the very fabric of CheapShow itself was held under a terrible scrutiny and leads to a very real and very angry blow out when things spiral out of control. "But what movie was it?" you may ask! Why... "Keith Lemon: The Movie", of course! The podcast will never be the same again... Probably. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-130-cheapflix If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Oh, hello, Mr. Silverman. Welcome into my house. Hello. Yes, here we are. Hello, everyone. Here we are in what I call Haroro. It's Haroro, Paul. Haroro?

Well, it's Haro. It's already got a, weirdly, got a row noise at the end of it. Yeah, it does. So, how am I to put a row noise at the end how would you put i just add another one on like you harrow row harrow row but that's making it longer then just call it harrow yes okay i'm just going to call it harrow but know everyone that i'm actually shortening it to har har and I'm putting Ro on, which isn't actually the end of that, which happens to be the same sound as the end of the actual name.

But I'm doing it in the model of Lundro. God, you boring bastard. Or Canebro or Southro. Well, that way you call it Harbro. Harbro. Harbro. Harro-bro. I don't know.

Well, what are we here in Harro for? Oh, well, we're going to do something a little bit different this week on cheap show oh i can't believe my eyes so i was ripping off watching um red letter media right and they do their best of the worst explain to people who aren't uh youtube obsessives like yourself red letter media probably well known for their reviews just the format of their show i've got to give a bit of background. They have a channel, a YouTube channel, and on this particular video, they get a load of cheap movies and B-movies and VHSs,

and they watch a load and then they talk about them. But we don't have a time to watch a bunch of movies, so I thought we'd do a Cheap Show spin. Hang on. Oh, you fucking broke it. I haven't broken shit. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your haven't broken shit. Welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time Tales from the Darkspawn How's the BitGuy The fight of the Shite Gun and Tank The Price of Shite. The Guaranteed Hello.

Eli Silver. Welcome to the show. I'm not going, I know. I haven't broken anything. No, you haven't. Christ. Clumsy, fat-handed, stupid. Fucking don't start with the fat hands.

Okay, call me anything you like. Yeah,'t start with the fat hands. Twatty. Call me anything you like, yeah, but not with the fat hands. I don't appreciate it. You've got fat hands. I don't. I have elegant hands. You look at those. They're beautiful. Ooh, I've got beautiful hands.

Would I rather have slightly short fingers or have beautiful hands, admittedly, just attached to a fucking moron. You're fat-brained. You're fat-minded, Paul. Okay, well, we're going to move on. You're a fat-minded cunt. Right, okay, we're moving on. What's your fat mind going to splodge down its fucking nerve hole now? To the mouth chasm.

No one knows what comes out the mouth chasm of Paul. Splurges. Shut up. Mind splurges. Shut up. Fat. Fattened mind splurge. Shut up.

This mind splurge is 90% saturated garbage. Shut up. Please, shut up. No. What are we going to watch then? Basically, I went to CEX, which in the UK is a second-hand games DVD store. How are you going to say it? Sex? Do you think that's why they called it that?

Probably cynically. It's a computer exchange, isn't it? Oh. But there's no dot after the C. No, that's why you say, I'm going to go sex. They're trying to sex up the whole second-hand gaming market. Yeah, with some sex appeal. But every time you go in, it looks like

you've just gone into some weird man's garage and he's got boxes of stuff. You know what? Some stores are weird to go in. It's not very welcoming. No. They need to work on that. Their customer service... No, I don't have really an opinion. I'm just making a shit up. I have no real opinion on CEX.

A lot of people complain about the prices, and I do agree with that. Sometimes I'll go in, and they'll have 20 versions of Super Mario 7 on the Wii on a shelf not being sold, and they're going, you've got to pay 25 quid for that. They're all just there for 25 quid. Put them all 10, and you could shift them.

No one else is buying them, mate, obviously. Well, poor... So, I thought, here's a fun thing to do. CEX also has a bargain bin, right? Where DVDs and Blu-rays can be, I thought, here's a fun thing to do. CEX also has a bargain bin, right? Where DVDs and Blu-rays can be, you know, 50p or a pound. No, you don't see bargain bins, legitimate bargain bins, very often. Let's pull back the camera on this and have a wider look at the concept of bargain bins, Paul. I didn't say I need a jingle for my bargain bin

segment yeah one I don't need a little motif at least make it something coherent four notes come on

hit me I'll just look I'll just say and now let's take a little diversion while we pull the camera

right back and take a wider look at the whole concept of bargain bins well i'll have to work paul now bargain bins you used to see you used to see them didn't you used to in the fields in shops no in shops and stuff on the holiest of days like you'd see yeah you do get reduced by the till there'd usually be

a bin wouldn't you don't see it in that way the big sort of hopper are full of uh no a lot of it would be broken wouldn't it and just well these days it's the um yellow sticker isn't it it's the reduced to clear or bog off bog off by one get clear yes yeah so that's what they have now these days i think that segment didn't work that whole no i didn't have anything i know uh but let's have a proper let's have a proper outro and thanks for joining me on my look at uh bargain bins right good what else you got so today i'm gonna watch a movie today Show, we're going to watch a movie. I've chosen three.

You're going to randomly pick one. We're going to watch that one, and then we're going to talk about it. Randomly pick? Yeah. Is it a random pick? Yeah. Are we going to lie to the audience that it's a random pick, but not really do a random pick? No, no, I'll give them each a number, and you just pick a number.

But I know which one you already said you wanted to watch. So I'll always be suspicious. Because you said to me, this is the one I think we should watch at an earlier date. And so if it is, if I say a random number and you say that one, I'm not going to be happy. Well, let's go through the three choices that I bought. Again, I got these in a CEX and I think they cost maybe the most expensive one was £1. So, it's a cheap show,

it's cheap entertainment. Yeah, we're looking for movies that don't cost much. Is that for a good reason? Well, we find out sometimes bad movies you just want to shift, don't you?

So, they make them a quid. Whereas your Mary Poppins Returns, that's going to be £15 for a while. because it was good? Yeah. Was it good? I liked it.

Yeah? Oh, a cover is not the books are up in your eyes. So you went and saw it. You paid money at the cinema to go and see that. Yeah. No, I watched it on the internet. Oh, yeah. The pay for Virgin Movie Online thing.

You paid for it? Yes. I hope you did. Rental? I hope you did, mate. Fucking did. Well, I hope you did. Cheeky wank.

Right. Here are... Our three cheap show titles. Yes. Not number one, this is just the first. Here we go. Watch this. This one.

Ah, now this is Bruce Willis' A Good Day to Die Hard. What number in the franchise is that? Five. There was Die Hard, Die Hard 2, die harder, die hard with a vengeance, live free and die hard, and then that one. And this is the latest. This is the most recent. This is the most recent, yes.

This is the tombstone hammered into the coffin of the franchise. Do you hammer a tombstone into a coffin? No, you don't. That would be a horrible way to get rid of a dead person, wouldn't it? Just jam the tombstone into its skull you don't no you don't that would be a horrible way to get rid of a dead person wouldn't it just jam the tombstone into its skull on the way down into the crypt

how would that get rid of it wouldn't exactly well that's the point isn't it well you know it would also be a horrible way to get rid of a dead body eating it

no just ignoring it eat it no that would be an effective way of getting rid of one I don't know if it would why wouldn't it in case it's gone off

no if you actually managed to you if I would. Why wouldn't it? In case it's gone off. No, if you actually managed to... If I saw a body on the road and I ate it, I don't know where it's been or how long it's been there for. I know, but would it still be quite a good way of actually achieving the task of getting rid of the body? Yes, it would. But whether you... We don't care if you die, what happens to you?

You're an eating machine at this point. You're a corpse disposal mouth. Yes. Yeah. You're chomping down, you're a corpse disposal mouth. Yes. Yeah? You're a corpse disposal mouth, Paul. I'll eat one for you. How many corpse you got? Four. I'll eat two today, and then if we freeze and wrap the other two... This is a

Monty Python sketch. Is it? Yep. Is it? Yes it is, Paul. Yes it is. Am I funnier than Monty Python? Am I? No. I've come here for an argument. Oh, shut up.

I have. Is this the argument? Yes. I told you twice. Oh God, shut up. Right, Die Hard. Die Hard. Bruce Willis, A Good Day to Die Hard.

I wonder if that's the first time his name's been put above No, it definitely has Now the third film wasn't called Die Hard 3 at all Just called Die Hard with a Vengeance There was no Die Hard 3 involved at all What do you mean no Die Hard 3? They never called it Die Hard 3

Well that's a bit of a sort of That's a bit cocky, isn't it? No, they never called it Die Hard 3. Well, that's a bit of a... sort of... What? That's a bit cocky, isn't it? No, because... Surely the money people were like, no, no, no, it's Die Hard 3. We have to call it Die Hard 3

because it's Die Hard 3 and we want people to... But it was more of a play of the idea that Die Hard 2 was, strictly speaking, called Die Harder. So it's like a pun progression rather than a numbering. Yeah, because Die Hard

is a turn of phrase. But they gave up on the fucking pun progression, didn't they, for 4.0? Yeah, I don't know why they went with that because the gimmick of Die Hard 4.0 is that computer terrorists

shut down America. So 4.0, it means the internet. Yes, yeah. It's that game, isn't it? Alright. Fair enough. So, you've seen this. I will say up front

this is out of the three films on the offer this is the one I have seen and it is not only the first film I nearly stormed

out of the cinema but it's the one I got the most angry ever watching it's not only a bad die hard film it's a bad action film and it's a bad film

it's full stop bad Bruce Willis is fucking sleepwalking his way through it. Well, this guy Alex Zane, I don't know if you've heard of him. Alex Zane? No, I haven't. He was writing in The Sun. Oh, that's a good news paper, not full of cunts.

And he's given it four stars. Does he? And it says, the most action-packed die-hard yet. That's true. It's probably got the most action in, but none of it makes sense. Meaningless explosions for two hours. Just in case we end up watching it I don't want to go into too much detail but there is a moment

where terrorists storm a building with him and his son in because he's with his son in this film he teams up with his son and out of nowhere Bruce Willis just pulls a gun out from under a desk and starts shooting people

like you know when Bugs Bunny would reach from behind and pull out a gun so he just gets a gun it's just there and this is the film that's very poor and you know like in Die Hard the big thing is like he jumps off the roof the most amazing thing everything builds up to this and pull out a gun. So he just gets a gun. It's just there. And this is the film. That's very poor.

And do you know, like in Die Hard, the big thing is like he jumps off the roof and the most amazing thing, everything builds up to this one huge special effect moment. In the original?

Yeah. Yeah. I think he jumps away from like four massive explosions throughout the course of this film and two of them are exploding helicopters.

Just blow up and have a helicopter. It's just, what's the Die Hard formula? Well, Bruce Willis has to jump in front of or away from an explosion. Yeah. It has to, what's the diehard formula? Well, Bruce Willis has to jump in front of or away from an explosion. Yeah. It has to be big

though. Okay, so that's the first film Paul. Right, the next one. What's the next one? He's reaching down. What's this? Ah, now this is Pixels. Oh, Die Hard with a good day to die hard was £1.50

I lied, it's one pound fifty they're one pound fifty yeah these are blu-rays though yeah they are so that's not bad for one pound fifty but again they're shifting them because no one's buying them be good quality though isn't it yeah so this is pixels which is the adam sandler uh sci-fi comedy would you call it i guess yeah it falls into the same realm as things like men in black yeah sci-fi comedy from about three years ago yeah and god it looks so bad yes it is based on a short film which i believe was also called pixels and it was a very very cool short film and then someone went how can we turn that into a movie with Adam Sandler?

Yeah. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Yay! Jimmy's back. Yay! I'm Jimmy Biscuits and I got this film. It's about Adam Sandler

and he's a dude. Yeah. Jimmy, were you involved in this film? I was involved in the casting of this film. It was very instrumental that I, Jimmy Biscuits,

had a say in the who's and the what's and the hey's. So when you say the who's and the what's and the hey's. So when you say the who's and the what's and the hey's, Mr. Biscuits. Yes. Thanks. Nice to see you again, by the way. Thank you very much.

It's nice to have you back on the show. It's good to be back on the show. What do you mean by the who's and the what's and the way's? Well. I'm just looking for a little insight into film production and financing. Well, first of all, who? Who's going to be in the movie? Right.

I want Adam Sandler. We're bestest buddies. You wanted Adam Sandler. I to be in the movie? Right. I want Adam Sandler. We're bestest buddies. You wanted Adam Sandler. I thought this was the film for him. You've worked with Adam Sandler. On numerous occasions, my friend. But that's before you started looking after a teen yeti, is it? It's been a tough time, I'll be honest.

But anyway. Right. The what? What's the film about? It's about video games coming to life. Okay. And Adam Sandler has to beat them with his guns. And what was the third thing you mentioned?

The who, the what and the why? No, it wasn't the why. What was it? You've started at the who, the what. You've completely forgotten. You know what? What? I'll let you off, Jimmy.

This time? Because I've forgotten what you said as well. Yeah, well, there you go. Now, who's this behind you? Hi there. You know, don't just ignore me. Okay? This is my mind.? Hi there. You know, don't just ignore me. Okay? This is my mind.

Just ignore me. Ignore him. Don't look at him. Don't look at me. Don't look at him. I'm likely to get a bit agitated if you look at me. He does get a bit agitated. If you look at me, if you look downstairs, don't glance downstairs.

Don't do that. I tell you what you should not do is glance downstairs. Don't do that. That will make me very agitated, very excited. I start stamping up and down in my head. And then I start thinking, oh. Here we go. You know where this is going, boys and girls.

Where's it going? Oh, my God. I am so freaking hard downstairs. Thank you. I'm Freddy Goon. Don't look at me. Don't you worry about it, Freddy Goon. You're a good man.

You're a good Christian man. I'm very religious, and I like to not connect with my own deep sexual desires. Oh, getting deep. Right, so anyway, Pixels. It's a fucking film with Adam Sandler. That looks so bad. Directed and written by? It's got that guy, Mall Cop guy.

King of Queens, yeah. Yeah, it's a... What's his fucking name? Billy Wankshift. Kevin James. James. Michelle Monaghan. Peter fucking name? Billy Wankshift. Kevin James. James. Michelle Monaghan. Peter Dinklage.

Dinklage. And Adam Sangler. Dinklage is good. He's not going to save that film. Josh Gad. Is Dinklage usually good in stuff? Honestly, I've never seen him in anything. I saw him in that X-Men film when he was the baddie.

I know, I didn't see that one. Hmm. Hmm. I haven't watched Game of Thrones. Don't know him in that. I don't know him in this. I don't know him one I haven't watched Game of Thrones don't know him in that I don't know him in this I don't know him I don't know him

you don't know him I don't know him Jimmy Biscuits has just gone has he he just went on I'm over here I'm just sitting over here

didn't want to get too involved okay thanks Jimmy what about the yips they don't be racist so that's the second film and the next choice and final choice

the final choice the final option possibly the Piste de Resistance produce it now this is the Keith Keith Lemon

the film pooey bums Keith Lemon the film brick comedy which has to be if you're talking about contemporary sort of

film scenes possibly the contemporary sort of film scenes, possibly the worst genre of film on the planet, brick comedy at the moment. Brick comedy based on feature films. As a sitcom stroke TV comedy actor character. I mean, it wasn't... There are exceptions. Yes, but lately, wasn't there that one with Danny Dyer,

take the money and run for your wife? Yeah, run for your wife. But that was obviously based on a very famous play. That made like sort of 360 quid in the cinema or something. That much? Yeah, something like that. You know, for a film to tank like that. Yeah.

You know. It has to be a Britcom. To the people outside of the UK who might not know, 50p. One third of the price of the other two, 50p. They know. Is it one third of the price of the other two. 50p. They know. Is it one third of the quality? Probably yes.

Probably. Yeah. But for those of people outside the UK who don't know who Keith Lemon is, in the UK there is an actor, what's his fucking name, who plays Keith Lemon? Joyce Fields. It's not Joyce Fields. Is it on the box? Yeah.

Lee Francis is his name. Lee Francis. Comedy actor. Came known in the late 90s, early 2000s, was it? With a Bo Selector. Bo Selector was a comedy character that he did on... No, it was a show. It was a show.

It was a sketch show with comedy characters. Yeah. Where he played grotesque versions. But they were just sort of... Yes. You bastard, yeah! Scary spice and a big mask. Grotesque versions, didn't he?

Yeah. And then that led into a character called Keith Lemon, who was... Well, there was Avid Marion, you scary spice and a big mask grotesque versions didn't he yeah and then just said that yeah led into a character called keith lemon who was well there was avid merrier but we can't end the bear and all this shit but anyway the point is then the next one that really hit was keith lemon which ended up presenting a tv show called celebrity juice it got a bit like the character was very close to him and it wasn't do you know what i mean where is the line where's the line because it started out as being quite a savage satire of celebrity

at the time but then it became a sort of chummy fucking loving yeah part of celebrity it was a celebrity loving that started off as a parody

well it's like weird Celebrity Juice is in many respects similar to another UK show by Vic Rees and Bob Mortimer called Shooting Stars

comedian heads it it's mostly aimed towards making comedy it's not really a game show panel show it's you know everyone's fucking comedy it's not really a game show panel show it's you know everyone's fucking about it's not competitive

no so in that way what the difference is I generally think with Shooting Stars they were celebrating both the crassness

and crapness of the format and the show but also celebrating that as well whereas Keith Lemon's like everyone's shit but I want to be best mate

to these people I'm taking the piss out of I never got the sense that Vic and Bob cared too much about what people thought. Anyway. Now, do you want to hear the summary of this on the back of the box? Oh, yeah. What is the plot to this fucking film? Okay.

I'll read the whole thing what they've got here. Oh, dear. Get ready for the juiciest, lewd-er-er, crude-er-er, and rude-er-er comedy treats of the year. Keith Lemon, the film. Oosh. Oosh. Is it that exact? It says oosh.

It's his catchphrase, isn't it? Oh, that's his catchphrase. Oosh. He's got this down to like a one word noise. Oosh. You know what I mean? Yeah. Imagine.

I don't want to say too many words as my catchphrase. It's too... I want to... What about... Oosh. Okay, here's the plot. The best person on telly hits the big screen in this story of Rags to Richards and fit birds like Kelly Brook. Fucking hell.

In this outrageous and hilarious adventure, Keith Lemon comes to London from Leeds and, just like his hero Richard Branson, becomes an overnight... Richard Brandoff? Richard Branson, becomes an overnight... Richard Brandoff? Richard Branson becomes an overnight billionaire. Oh. Then an over-day failure.

God, I hate this copy. Yeah. Before finding the road to redemption. It's like a shit son article. Yeah. With so much unseen stuff that wasn't allowed in the cinemas and bursting with juicy special features this extended Blu-ray will have you

shipped off to the hospital with your sides splitting That's not the review said Get ready to laugh your pants off I look forward to laughing my pants off Someone from Nuts Magazine has given this four stars and has given it the review.

Bang Tidy. Bang. Bang Tidy. That says it all, doesn't it? Bang Tidy. Bang Tidy. I'm doing chop off the fucking top of a toilet. Bang Tidy.

I've just come in my pants. Right. Bang Tidy. Chop, chop, chop. Blam, blam, blam. Bang, bang, bang. Tidy, tidy, tidy. Came on pants.

All right, you're having fun good good good so let's watch that one then what you just want to watch that one well okay before we do the random factor which one would you like to watch

pixels die hard I mean actually which one do I think I'd find most entertaining in one way or the other there's no reason why we might not cover this in the future

we might do another one in the future. We might do another one in the future. God, Keith Fleming just looks like he's going to be intolerably bad. Do you know what I mean? Just sort of... It will be.

It will be awful with so many shit cameos. Painful. Let's do that then. All right. Shall we? Ladies and gentlemen, fuck it,

we're doing Keith Fleming right up the arse pipe. Bang tidy! Right, pixels, fuck off. Die hard shit, fuck off. Can I just say, there was a moment when I watched Die Hard 5 in the cinema, and I will say this, I was the only one in the cinema when I went to see it.

There's a bit where Bruce Willis jumps away again from a second exploding helicopter, right, in the film. And what happens is, he has a fight on the helicopter on top of the helicopter inside it right having a fight with a lady or some villain the helicopter spinning around and he's going oh can't hold on because he's being span out the back then he gets flung out the back of a spinning helicopter the helicopter helicopter explodes mid-air. He goes, he gets thrown through a window of a building as the explosion follows him down the corridor of this building

as he's sliding along the ground. And then he gets up and goes, shakes it off. And at that point, out loud, I went, fuck off! And I went to get up,

but I thought there's two, three minutes left. Let's see this end. But that was the one bit where I was like, oh, no one gives a fuck about this. They just went, make it pretty bang. Make it happen. So was it the death knell of the franchise?

Apparently they are making Die Hard 6. How? Without Bruce? No, Bruce will be in it. But do you know what the plot is? You're going to love this, Eli. It's a prequel it's about how detective

right okay so apparently it's set they're going to CGI Bruce's face to a young guy it's going to be set across two time zones

something that's happening in John McClane's life present day and he goes oh I remember why this happened then he goes back to his memories to when he became a beat cop

and who's going to play the young Bruce Willis who fucking knows all I know is that it's going to be split over the young Bruce Willis? Who fucking knows? All I know is that it's going to be split over 70s Bruce Willis in the 70s or 80s

and then modern day and the two cases will cross over. So what it's saying is now the origin film called Die Hard where an ordinary guy

becomes basically a kind of super cop. Yeah. He became a super cop earlier. It's like there's an origin story to an origin story. So it kind of ruins the first film. It's like Dan Aykroyd used to origin story. Yeah, so it kind of ruins the first film.

It's like Dan Aykroyd used to say he wants to make a film where the Ghostbusters were in university and he wants to do a film of how they all met. Yeah, but they weren't Ghostbusters. No, but that's the point.

It's like, it doesn't matter about that because there's going to be no ghosts in it because the whole point of Ghostbusters is that's the first time you ever see a ghost

in the library and it changes everything. So what are they going to do? Have a film where three people meet up at university and then just party? Go, yeah. Because that's Animal House.

Yeah. And then you've got to get people to play young Bill Murray and young Dan Aykroyd and young Howard Ramis. Why not just think of an original story? Maybe call... Yeah. Dan, call me, mate.

Think of an occult story that is slightly different, that doesn't have Ghostbusters or something. Yeah. Right, so here's what's going to happen. We're going to watch this film now and we're going to record ourselves watching it as we go. Depending on the content of how we watch it, it might be also released as a commentary,

but we are going to take samples of our listener experience, put them into the proper episode, and then we'll have a round table afterwards. Shut up, it's rules! Let's just watch the fucker. We're going to watch Keith Lemon, the film, directed by some cunt who was jobbing it that day. Jobbing hard.

I can't even read the writing. It will have breasts in. We can only hope. It's rated 18. All right, I've got a pillow over my... All right, let's get this going. Here we go. Like I always used to.

Look, Keith, and I don't like C word. Commitment. Oh. I thought you don't like C word, but commitment? Oh, I thought you were going to say c- I'm going to say you're my favourite Spice Girl. Don't you say that to all the Spice Girls? No, I've never met any. Ladies and gentlemen, I shall now demonstrate a quick erection. Shating!

Demonstrate a quick erection Ladies and gentlemen, mr. Keith Mellon Well offers plants it looks like an ordinary form and then on second glance it don't look like a normal Fog this plan so Kelly, I believe you have a new calendar coming out. It's got a lemon on back shit the bed! Called the Lemon Phone. Genius! Why didn't you think of that? The Keith Lemon Phone.

The lemon has truly landed. So sexy. Eureka! You are amazing. Call me. Anytime. Hello, Kelly Brooks speaking. Is now a good time?

Ooh! Small-time northern English businessman Keith Lemon has gone from rags to riches. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I'm rich! I'm rich! Yeah! Toby, I'm your favourite spouse girl.

Facts, I'll run from here. Power ground, power ground, power ground. Let the bell meet the end. LAUGHTER Let's go! I'll run from here. Let the bell meet the end. I think the piles have come back. It's like a shiitake mushroom. Have a look at that. Yeah. Keith! I'm one of yous. One of what? He's singing when the going gets tough.

I want attention. It's you. I want attention. Do the things I'm allowed to do. Please welcome on stage... My father. Billy Ocean! Welcome to the mountain top.

I've got the... You can sing, can't you? If Billy Ocean's Keith's dad, why is he called Keith Ocean? Because his name's Lemon. Oh, my days, Simon Pegg. Gary Barlow. Oh, from Boyzone.

You're thinking of Ronan Keating. Oh, from Herm Tech, that. No, you're thinking Gary Barlow. No, I was thinking Simon Pegg. Bang-tidy. Hello, this is Paul Gannon just chipping in to say I'm recording this bit in California, so I can now say Cheap Show's got international.

But that's not why I'm leaving this little message. No, I'm leaving this little message to say what you're about to hear, right, is a cut-down, abbreviated commentary of the Keith Lemon movie. Because there's no fucking way we're going to stick 90 minutes of it in this podcast. So, you're going to get a good half hour of it. And it begins like this.

Right, we're ready to go. We've got Keith Lemon on. It's exciting, isn't it? Looking forward to it, Eli. I'm not, actually. I'm starting to regret requesting it. I really am. Yeah. There's little clips playing at the menu screen.

Yeah. Oh. What we're looking at here is... It's got Verne Troyer in it. One of his last roles, maybe, before his sad departing. Are you trying to suggest something there? What, that Keith Lowe was responsible for his death? Because yes.

Definitely am. Should we just play... This is the fucking thing. Play to film. Oh, it's already got to... It's got its own Keith Lemonisms in it. So he's Northern, that's the point. He's from Leeds, isn't he?

So why is that part... How does that sort of inform the character? I don't know. He's meant to be sort of trashy or sort of... Common. Common. I don't know. Anyway, it's nouveau riche, isn't it?

Nouveau riche. So, right, here we go. We're going to play to film. Oh, is that Kevin Bunton? We need the sound. I'm doing it, innit? How long is this fucking film? 85 minutes.

Wow. That's short. Good. That's great. Northern Ireland screen these old people have put money into this

fucking film right we start with sex noises I'm happy with that really I've got no problem with sex noises I think I've seen

that film I need more volume he's having sex with her great he's gonna we'll be doing something else and not actually having sex with her. Great. He's going to... He'll be doing something else and not

actually having sex. No, he was having sex. He had sex and he came on Kelly LeBrock's tits. But I noticed she's wearing a bra right now and there's no cum on her neck. No, he was fucking her. He said he just came on her tits, the icing on the cookie.

What does Kelly LeBrock do these days? Stars in shit films and then poses sexually for calendars. She was in Piranha, wasn't she? The remake of Piranha. She used to be married to Billy Zane. We're missing the plot because you keep saying shit. He's having a fantasy.

Yeah. Oh, he was meant to have come on her bangers. Yeah. There was no spunk on her bangers man no seagulling oh it's a Bo Selector character Bo Selector oh it's the

Bo Selector Craig David yeah he's having a dream Paul yeah I know oh he's woken up oh he's woken up in the house of pickles shout out it's like the house of pickles

it's not like the house of pickles it's actually tidier than the house of pickles it is it's not like the House of Pickles. It's actually tidier than the House of Pickles. It is. It's got a sink. And also, I don't have big tan marks on my bed. No, that's just shit, isn't it? I don't shit the bed, Paul.

There is food next to his... Yeah. It's the House of Pickles 2.0. It's not. Fuck off. So this is his Rags to Riches story. Yeah, he's living in Leeds and he lives in a shithole. And look, I bet she loves him, really. it's not fuck off so this is his rags to riches story yeah he's living in Leeds

and he lives in a shit hole and look I bet she loves him really but he thinks he can get better but they'll fall in love at the end why would she

a pretty young lady like whatever the fuck that is oh here's the credits there you go it's wacky exciting

what were you going to say before Paul I don't know my brain was shutting down watching this it is literally making me feel very stupid in the face. He's having a shit shave. It's the montage, getting ready montage.

But done by... Oh, his arse! Oh, his arse. Great. Kevin Clone. Do you know what? I'm not getting sort of great physical comedy from him. Do you know what I mean? No, it's manic. But it getting sort of great physical comedy from him. Do you know what I mean?

No, it's manic. But it's sort of unfocused, sort of. Do you know what I mean? That's Lee Francis. He wrote this script. He thought it'd be a good idea to have already in the scene, in the film, numerous shots of his gooch.

Oh, God. Fit, did he say? Yeah. Verne Troy, you get second billing. He must have a big role. He's a big name. Shot of Tower Bridge. Kevin Bishop.

Kevin Bishop's in it as well. Bless him. He put his eggs in this basket, didn't he? That's him in the background with his face. Look at his face doing his face. Laura Aikman. When did this come out? Like four years ago now.

It's pre-Brexit, isn't it? No, there is a sort of pre-Brexit sort of air of like unitedness about it. He just said it made a joke about putting his cock in her mouth, Paul. Yeah. This is funny, is it? Is it just important that the audience is playing a more like a nastier character? Look, he's literally doing a sort of fat tongue. Fat tongue thing. Sort of I'm a nastier character. Oh. Look, he's literally doing a sort of fat tongue. Fat tongue thing.

Sort of I'm a nastier thing. Oh, Kevin Bishop. Look at him gurning like a cunt. Look at him. It's really putting me off. Everyone's gurning. Everyone's gurning. She's doing the best in this scene of keeping it.

Do you think this is on her CV? Who's she? Whoever she is, she doesn't get top billing, put it that way. She's doing the best in this scene of keeping it... Do you think this is on her CV? Who's she? Whoever she is, she doesn't get top billing, put it that way. She's under Verne Troy. Okay. But I think I recognise her.

She's like from daytime TV or something. Laura something or other. She just stole... He stole Emma Bunton's cab. Oh, it's cameo number three. You know what? I'm getting a clicker. Wait there. You watch it.

Okay. Right. She just met the Spice... That's it. She's out. And then another Spice Boy comes in. All right.

So how many celeb cameos is that? Three? Four. Because there's another Spice Girl came in, just got in. No, no.

We had Kelly Brock, Kelly Brook, two Spice Girls. Who else? That's it. All right. So three then. We're only going to do

characters, celebrities playing themselves, right? He's so artless. that's it alright so three then we're only going to do characters celebrities playing themselves right he's so artless isn't he yeah it's terrible

oh and Mel C him him as Mel C yeah you bastard oh Gary Barlow click four he's not

oh this oh this mate this is stinking me out in the brain. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question, mate? You can, yes.

How long have you lived in London for? My whole life. How many times have you bumped into a number of celebrities in a matter of minutes or even in a day?

Well, I mean, come on. That's hardly going to be what we should attack this film with first. I'm attacking it. That it's not'm attacking it that it's not credible of course it's not credible he he all he does says to people is stuff about putting his cock in their mouth that's what he does the whole time to be fair mate have you listened to cheap show lately that's not why i never say i'm gonna put my cock in your mouth oh fucking jed would does that count

as one or two i mean. One, yeah, fucking. I hate this. Jedwood are doing their thing and it's making me angry. Mate, we're 12 minutes in. I'm in agony. Oh, he's got an erection now. Oh, he's just doing it. Mate, I should have had another clicker for just erection gags.

He's icing a phallic prop. Do you know what I hate most about British comedies like this? They require nothing in way of engagement. They're like, you know this shit? Here's it on the big screen now. There's nothing. There's no... The storytelling's just like...

The gimmick of him having a film is enough, apparently. Yeah. You know the kind of shit he does on Celebrity Juice and Bo Selector? So let's just turn that into a film. And the basic plot is Rice to Riches, because that's one of the... If it wasn't for that, it would have been a road movie. Or he would have gone to Spain on holiday. On holiday.

British films, man. No, it's particularly Britcoms. Britcoms. Take a sitcom and they go on holiday and there's your film. Some people would say... Is this a racist stereotype bit? Oh, hang on. Is it an Indian character?

Yeah. Probably. And it looks cheap. You know what I mean? It looks cheap. Tissy Pitty. That's a MacGuffin or that's a plot thing. He gives him his phone, yeah.

Like a kind of genie thing, Lamp, or Monkey's Paw. He is a very broadly Asian character, isn't he? He's giving him his business. You know the problem I have with Lee Francis? Okay, why have we got now music, which is all Asian tambour drums or whatever they call them? Because that's how you tell a story, Eli. Remember when a Chinese person would come on screen

and you'd hear... This is meant to be like the genie, isn't it? And they've characterised it as Asian or Oriental. Oh, that's a good point. This is the magic moment that he gets the magic thing that changes and they've characterised it blatantly as a genie in a bottle. They're probably going for magical realism rather than fantasy, aren't they? Yeah, but that was awful.

Yeah. Oh, mate. So far. The phone's going to be the magic thing, isn't it? Probably. He said it was the curse of his life. Yeah, it's the magic thing. But why does the sort of magic object have to be coded as sort of the other,

as in terms of Asians? You know what I mean? Because it lends more credence to the supernatural ability of it. It's lazy. Do you think this is the most anyone's... It's a lazy, bigoted cliche is what I'm saying, Paul. Isn't it? Yes.

But do you think this is the most anyone's talked analytically about Chief Lem in the movie? No, that is the girlfriend character. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Don't kiss me on the mouth. Oh, that is the girlfriend character. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Don't kiss me on the mouth. Oh, it is a girlfriend character. Yeah, so I'm not clicking it.

She came down to see him, didn't she? And then it cuts to him kissing... A man. Nosh him off on a bridge. Nosh him off, yeah. Oh, okay. He's not really there, so he's just having a wank on a bridge.

Wow. Lee Francis. Lee Francis. Oh, he's blurred out his cock. Wow. Lee Francis. Lee Francis. Oh, he's blurred out his cock. Oh, my God. Because we had to see that. He's wearing a stunt cock. At that point, you may just get your wrecked cock out.

This is so bad, man. Oh, there's a pixelated cock. He's doing a pixelated... Oh, he's doing dirty reach around fingering. He's fingering her butt, yeah. It's just like... It's's just like there's just no reason for this. This is what happens when you get Lee Francis to remake

Billy Liar. Isn't it? This is basically Billy Liar. It's so bad. He shouldn't at least come. That would have been funny if he'd come on the bridge. No it wouldn't have been. It would have made it a scene for me. If he'd just come on the bridge. Do, it wouldn't have been. It would have. It would have made it a scene for me. It would have. If he'd just come on the bridge.

It would have made it a scene. Yeah. Do you know what I'm suffering from here, Paul? It's so unfunny. I can't even say something funny about it because it's trying to be funny. Do you know what I mean? That is the problem when you review comedy as a comedy podcast. Reviewing comedy.

Yeah. Yeah. here are the tits oi there's quite a lot of tits isn't there I've seen six tits oh there's Paddy McGinnis oh

hey now you know it's good oh they're getting lap dances oh this is terrible this is terrible to watch

sounds awful this is sad to watch this sounds awful this is sad to watch these poor girls that must have been a really tough day for them to film right oh god they must have had to do it

again and again and again oh god oh no and it's what it's made it be funny that they're being nonchalant while they're having their tits in their face

Paddy McGuinness do you want to be in my movie I don't know I'll rub some tits in their face. Paddy McGuinness, do you want to be in my movie? I don't know. I'll rub some tits in your face. I'm in. Oh. Oh. I wonder if they were actually erect making this.

I bet they were. Really? I bet he was fucking major. Who? Why? Paddy McGuinness had a major lob on. Can I be honest? If you were in that situation, could you keep it down? I don't know if I could. Bass urges and everything.

Yeah, but you know what? You're making a film. They're going to just keep resetting the camera. It just gets tedious. You just turn off after a while because you're just doing it so much. I didn't expect there to be just such a grisly, explicit scene like that. It's one after another, this film. It's funny because when I saw the 18 rating, it must be like...

That's 18? Yeah. That was extended breast and face action. And the erect penis on a bridge thing. Yeah. Oh. The thing is... He likes to get his thumbs in when he's smashing back doors.

Do you actually like it? I more laughed at your disappointment or anger at it. It's just... It was more I laughed at your reaction. No, but the Indian ones are tablas. Tablas. Oh, okay. Another fucking shot of his gooch.

I'm running out of excuses to get clickers. One for cameos, one for knob gags. I've actually got probably enough, but I just don't want to look for them. They seem to have shot their load with all the cameos right at the start, man. No, there'll be more to come when he hits the big time. You know it.

I think they put them all in the beginning there so that they could not have to watch the film to see themselves in it. Do you know what I mean? Yes, they can leave early. Clever bastards. When we do our Cheap Show movie, Eli, we're going to have all the cats. We're going to have

Jimmy Biscuit in it, aren't we? We're going to have Hard Downstairs and then another podcast. He's not called Hard Downstairs. Whatever. Get his name right. And then... Freddy Goon. Alright, but then another podcast will review Cheap Show the movie and say, look at this shit.

It's just them shouting and swearing and being mean to one another. And I don't know that sense. But there's something about this that is smug. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, all my mates are making a movie.

He's got a... Right, okay, so another arse shot. I need a clicker for arses. I need a clicker for gooch. I need a dick clicker. I need a celebrity clicker. I need a fucking knob gag clicker. I need boobs clicker for arses. I need a clicker for gooch. I need a dick clicker. I need a celebrity clicker. I need a fucking knob gag clicker.

I need boobs clicker. This film is just all clickers. He just isn't that good at the characters. Do you know what I mean? No. He is. He's just... He makes horrible characters.

They're not good. There's nothing funny about this script. It does make me wonder if Lee Francis was to act in someone else's thing. You know what I mean? As an actor, as a comedian. What he'd be like. Because I kind of feel like he'd be really quite good if he was given the right role.

You know, in the same way, Adam Sandler's always good when he turned up in Punch Drunk Love. That's a one film. Well, no. He was good in... Here's Tits again. Oh, Tits. Oh, God. And she's just squeezing her tits. You can see them in the reflection over there.

Verne Troyer isn't very good in this. Yeah, but what's he got to do? To be fair, I bet this is the most dialogue he's ever been given by a filmmaker. You know what I mean? It's like he goes, I've got lines in this. I don't just go out and get kicked across the floor. Which is, you know, as much as I do the Austin Powers films, he is there to just act like a feral cat and then get kicked across the floor. Which is, you know, as much as I do the Austin Powers films, he is there to just act like a feral cat

and then get kicked. No, they put him in a trolley. That's funny, isn't it? What are they doing, Paul? I don't fucking know. The idea is, I think, they're trying to repackage the phone and sell it as a Keith Lemon phone

rather than a... Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! Click! Six now. Half an hour in. Kelly Brooks back. Kelly Brooks back. She's in real life. Oh, and she's in pants and knickers.

He's imagining her in pants and knickers. That's literally all she does is walk around in a bra and knickers, doesn't she? Yeah. So now it's just staring at her body. It's just staring at her body. As nice as it is, that's all the joke is. Can I rip the piss out of you, Kelly LeBrock, while ogling your naked body? Yeah. No one does that in real life.

No one does that in real life. No one does that in real life. No one does that. No one does this. The licking fanny movements in the air with your mouth. No one does that. No.

No one gets lost in that. And if they do... They're not... They're a subhuman piece of shit. But it'll change when he becomes famous. He's a garbage person.

But he's going to get famous. Why are we meant to... We're meant to be sympathetic or something. Hoff was really bad. Everyone's going to get famous. Why are we meant to be sympathetic or something? Hoff was really bad. Everyone's really wooden in this film. Yeah, because they came in for maybe a day at a time to film everything.

So you can tell it's a fantasy because no way would Hoff be given a chat show. You're right. It's a scornful film because it looks down at everything. Even the celebrities it has on, it has to belittle. Yeah. And so even the audience... But that's meant to be the edge, isn't it?

That's what gives it... So what? He's literally attacking the people who like the stuff he does. Cunt! We need a cunt clicker! No, there's only been one cunt. I see too, mate. I'm calling Lee Francis a cunt. Don't you just wish life was like that?

Where you could just be an overnight sensation? Mate, if life was anything like the reality portrayed in this film, I would end it. Okay? For fuck's sake. So, ladies and gentlemen, just so you know, keeping up with the plot, he's now sold his phone, now the Lemon Phone,

and it's been a huge success worldwide. Many other films would go into the growth of it and how it happens and use that as a plot point for character development and emotional attachment but they race past it so we can get

to more everything about this is the plot is just perfunctory and just painful painful she's eating asparagus

she's demeaned herself so badly for this film man she's now deep throat and asparagus. Her wee wee will smell of asparagus after that.

That kind of puts you off, do you know what I mean? He's making a vagina out of mashed potato. This film might actually be genius. I don't know. I don't know if it is. He's using a banger. And he's putting it in the vaj potato mash.

The vaj mash. And she's now taking... No one does this. It's not funny. I know, it's comedy. It's not funny. Oh, Minjol. Are we this bad?

Is Chicho this bad? This is beginning to make me worry. No, it's not like this. It is. It's not. It is. There's stupid characters. We talk about Spooge.

I know, but it's not us Paul this is not us this is cynical this is us this has a sort of cynical do you know what I mean yeah I do but

self-satisfied air to it Kelly LeBrock we want to hire you so we can ogle you demean you and just use your body as an object

to be bought and sold and make you out to be a gold digger by the way how is your marriage with Billy Zane going? Is she still married to Billy Zane? No, she's not. Oh, we're going to have sex again.

Lee Francis sat down to write a script one day and write, how can I make it so I end up boffing on Kelly Brooks? Not just once, in the all-important love scene, but I want a few fancy scenes on Kelly Brooks. Not just once in the all-important love scene but I want a

few fantasy scenes. This joke is exactly the same as the one as the restaurant. Yeah. It's just the worst kind of just not funny sort of sex

comedy. It's like... Why is it Britain does sex comedies when we're shitting sex comedies? It's the same joke as the before.

Oh, he's pulling his fingers in the mouth. It's the same joke as before. Oh, he's put his fingers in his mouth. It's beyond belief. Oh, she's dropping her knickers. He's took his off. He's going to eat her out. No, he's got a big dong now, hasn't he?

Right, you watch this. We're not going to see... We won't see her boobs in this. We'll see the other girls, the dancers, but we don't see her boobs. I mean, fair play. It's probably too much money. And he's doing a big load of cum.

Again, oh, he's cumming in his mouth. He's in his face. He's too much cum. There's a lot of cum there. That's a lot of cum. That's a lot of cum. That's a full sticky load of Uncle Grumbly's organic butter. Fucking hell.

Oh. Well, Paul Gannon found that funny. That is so bad. Piranhas. I'm now at the point of the film where... I couldn't give a shit. I'm out, Paul. I'm out. I'm just going the point of the film where I couldn't give a shit I'm out Paul I'm out I'm just gonna go take a piss right

and can you just tell me what happened to me alright so yeah go take a piss how many minutes in are we we're 55 minutes in so what we've got another half hour half hour

fucking hell oh my this must be one of... This is one of the worst things I've ever seen. It is. I shouldn't have picked this. Right, okay. I need to just get that out of my system.

Right. We're at a party. It's not a party. So there's Chris Moyles. Wanker. Click. There's some other cunt, I think.'m... It's a tiger party. So there's Chris Moyles. Moyles! Wanker. Click. There's some other cunt, I think. Oh, it's Jason Donovan.

Click. Now, I guarantee I'm going to miss some of these people, because I just don't know who the fuck modern celebrities are. Now, tell me, Paul, was this character already introduced before this film? He was, wasn't he? Keith Lemon? Yeah.

Yeah, because Keith Lemon was the character that, after Avid Marion became his big thing so he does that character now with Through the Keyhole and Celebrity Juice yeah

Chef Cunt from Early Morning TV oh yeah 12 right now Clickers Scotch Eggs Have My Balls do you want to come on our movie

and make a knob gag or say the word fuck because people don't think you say the word fuck oh there's fucking Denise Van Outen yeah Click that's the first time i've seen denise van outen in years ronan keaton click they all turned up for half an hour to film this fucking thing they had the set built and then they all came in on the hour to do two seconds

so anyway my theory about this film is the plot only makes sense if it was written in 1987 because the communication people are making outside the plot

of the phone the phone plot thing is all he has to travel down from Leeds on a coach to see Keith Lemon he can't call him

or get in touch or find him there's not the internet doesn't really play a thing you know it's like it's got a feel

of an 80s comedy movie plot from the UK. Yeah. Yes, it does, but it just doesn't work. You've got to count her boobs. Powder her boobs. I thought you were going to say... I mean, to be fair, the idea of count her boobs. Powder her boobs. I thought you were going to say... I mean, to be fair, the idea of count my boobs is actually a funnier gag. I've just got to go and count my boobs.

I'm in the home street. He gives spunk jokes a bad name, Paul. It's what happens. Do you know what I mean? Spunked in your mouth and you're to blame. You give spunk a bad name. Oh, it's a racist Chinese character. We made our part and your film is lame.

You give Spunk a bad name. You give Spunk a bad name. Oh, here's the bit where they're meant to play on your heartstrings. give Spoff a bad name. Do, do, do, do, do. Oh, here's the bit where they're meant to play in your heart strings. But I don't care about anyone in this film. Don't care about anyone in this

film. It's really distressing. Anyway, join us next week on Cheap Show, where I'll be doing a character who sponks in an old lady's face, and Eli will eat shit. All right, let's stop doing Cheap Show then, Paul. All right, then. Keith Lemon has killed Cheap Show.

For fuck's sake, he has. Right, we're stopping Cheap Show because of Keith Lemon. So if you want to complain... You keep talking while I'm trying to hear the fucking plot. There's no plot. There's no plot. I'm trying to hear the gags. Turn it up.

No, I don't... For fuck's sake The subtitles didn't come on Put the fucking subtitles on No because then I'd have to pause the film Pause the film There's 10 minutes 12

Put the fucking I can't hear what they're saying You cunt Menu Hang on Oh I can do audio Subtitle There you go

Oh I wish I knew that half a fucking hour ago There you go I've put it knew that half a fucking hour ago. There you go. I've put it on subtitles. Fucking. I'll let you think of my arse as part of the lovemaking. Right, can I turn the sound down a little bit now then? At least you can read the fucking quality script.

Look, I get it. It's snobby to complain about comedy and other people's comedy when our comedy is very particular. But there's something about Wish which is just lazy because it's like my mates are in this, so whatever. It's lazy. It's cynical. If I get my mates to say bums and willies and do cum jokes. It's cynical and it's got this kind of belief that all you need

for something to be funny is it to be smutty. Do you know what I mean? And it's kind of like... Oh, there's a twist. The lemon phone has got a problem with it. Oh, it's Paddy McGinnis again. I forgot he was in this film without a pair of tits in. He's deeply, deeply uncharismatic.

Paddy McGinnis. Acting, acting, acting. McGuinness, McGuinness, McGuinness. There are some people in comedy who go, oh, you only got to be in comedy because your mate was famous. Like Simon Pegg often gets told

that Nick Frost's only famous because of Space. Frost is quite talented. He's talented. Whereas like Peter Kay and Paddy McGuinness, you think, yeah, he's only famous

because Peter Kay put him in a TV show. Like you and me. I'm famous. You're my Paddy McGuinness. I'm not. And I'm Peter Kay put him in a TV show like you and me I'm famous and you're my Paddy McGuinness I'm not and I'm Peter Kay I'm

wow fine I've got nothing to say okay so it's all fallen apart yeah his phone

is making people wonky mouth wonky mouth it's just also it's just not an appropriate that was actually a good gag that what what did he say he's Wonky mouth. Wonky mouth. It's just, it's also, it's just not inappropriate.

That was actually a good gag, that. What? What did he say? Hasselhoff said, my mouth is Hoff-centre. Oh.

Obviously, I don't need a clicker for how many good gags were in this actual fucking film. Um. What? The wonky mouth,

don't you find that a bit problematic as a sort of thing? it was probably the least offensive thing they could have come up with for everyone to be able to do to make the actual... It's like a disability, though.

It's sort of... Well... It's like... It makes them sound like deaf people, or it makes them sound... Do you know what I mean? Speech impediments, Paul. Yeah. What about people with speech impediments, or, you know...

They are saying speech impediments is the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. But imagine what they could have come up with instead, where, like, everyone just shits their pants all the time it's just distasteful the whole sort of the underlying and the villain of the piece isn't even involved in this plot at all

so all the women in the world are chasing him please play Yakety Sax or what's the point of this they won't. The underlying, they're just doing it. They're just ripping off Benny Hill but just badly. He doesn't like come to the realisation himself he's done something bad. It's only

because all of a sudden the world has turned against him. If that hadn't happened, if that plot point, he wouldn't remember that he loved his girlfriend, would he? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So he's just a shit. A shit. He's a literal shithead. And he's not learning a lesson so much as just dealing with the consequences

of other things. Yeah. Oh, another dick shot. How many stunt pricks have there been? To be fair, there's probably been more dicks than tits in this, but I don't know by how much. Come on, die and let's have the film be over.

That'd be wicked. If that happened... Oh, what? Oh, what? He's been saved by an angel? Are you telling me Verne Troy's an angel? Oh, fuck off. It's another...

What is it? Douche Ex Machina? It's just full of them I mean it's just every little thing in this is just just there to move the plot forward

yeah but you know that's okay in a comedy yeah if the comedy is actually really funny yeah I agree

do you know what I mean but it's not in a perfect world you'd have it all but sometimes you forgive one if you have lots of the other yeah if it's funny then you don't care that it's just a bunch of set ups for funny things It's not. In a perfect world, you'd have it all. But sometimes you forgive one if you have lots of the other. Yeah.

If it's funny, then you don't care that it's just a bunch of set-ups for funny things. Why has he gone back to Leeds? Flying back to Leeds. He literally gets Verne Troyer to sprout wings and fly him back to Leeds. Yeah. It's just any sense of reality of anything. Gone out the window. There's no shit about anything at all in this film.

This is a real piece of work man this is like on people's lists as the worst thing ever isn't it this is one of the worst things I've ever seen and I think it's really

it's a real sell out bitch thing to do for Alex Zane to say this is good everyone knows this is not good no one could watch

this and think this is good but the audience that read the magazine that reviewed this would still think it wasn't good. They might laugh once or twice.

Deep down in their soul, they're not having a good time. Watching this film. It's no one's favourite film. Do you know what I mean? All right. This is one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life, Paul. And I really wish I'd picked one of the other two films. You can tell she's not really hanging there as well, can you?

Oh, look, he's trying to act because he's got a little bit of tear in his eyes. They gave him teary eyes. Look, you know what I mean? Put a little bit of Vicks Vaporub under his eyes. Yeah. She spent the whole movie hanging. And you can see she's just standing there. There's no reality. There's no reality there's no sway

to her do you know what i mean she's standing on something yeah it's obvious to see and it's that laziness in the production that i really object to as well i want more shots of a helpless girl dangling get her down fuck's sake god is this are we meant to be invested emotionally now yeah because two characters we don't care about started crying. I'm so far from being emotionally invested. And he did nothing. Fuck. All that happened is one guy ran in,

didn't do anything. The other guy dropped onto two people and then did nothing. Right, well, Verne Troy's going to heaven, which turned out to be prescient. Weird foreshadowing, isn't it? Do you reckon they used that in its arbitrary, that clip?

No. I think everyone involved with this wants to forever forget that they had anything to do with it emma button one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen i counted two extra cameos yeah Yeah. Oh, another dick. Another one. Another one. That's one of the big things with him, isn't it? It's his massive schlong.

That's not funny. Right. Let's see if there's anything at the end of this fucking shit show. Because, you know, in case there's a post-credit thing. I don't think there is. Look, they've changed the font on the credits. Oh, they have. They've given up.

They're like perfunctory end credits. Stock footage. Look, they used quite a bit of stock footage. Yeah, of course they did because it saves a lot of money. Filmed in Belfast, Northern Ireland and London. So that's obviously where they got most of the money from. Filmed from Northern Ireland screens of film as much as they could there. He would not make

the same film today. I don't know. He would not. They wouldn't be allowed. It wouldn't get past script. It's just horrible sexism. Is it? It was horribly sexist. The film is over and we need to discuss it.

Okay. Right. So, before we talk about our feelings to that cinematic experience... Have we the review, Paul? Well, on Rotten Tomatoes, do you want to know

how well it did over 12 reviews. It got 0%. Right. Do they have a critic score and an audience score? Yeah, but there's no audience score for this. No, no one has added their own review. Weird.

So it's only critics. So let's just do a quick little skim through what these reviewers say. So Cath Clark from Time Out simply writes in this quote, career lows all round then. That's literally what it was, man. Yeah. That is literally one of the worst things I've ever had to sit through. It's like slumming, wasn't it?

It was depressing as fuck. It was really bad. Guy Lodge from Variety. Jesus, Variety reviewed this. Keith Lemmon's excretable film debut suffers from reverse Norma Desmond syndrome. He's still small, but the picture got big. Oh, I see.

That was that quote, isn't it? Was it Sunset Boulevard? Which goes, I'm still big. It's the pictures that got small. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're saying he's still small it's the movies that got big

well that is true isn't it it's like a fucking half-baked sort of comic character well this is the thing you look at the Alan Partridge movie

and that suffers from quite a lot of similar problems that British movies have not to the same extent as Keith Lemon by any stretch of the imagination but that film

goes out of its way to give you a character of Alan Partridge that you'd not quite seen before. A bit more, it has more characterisation, which features need, don't they? You need to go a bit, a bit. Well, like I was saying whilst we were watching it, Paul,

it's like you can forgive the plot being completely unbelievable and lazy and just sort of an excuse to set up a bunch of scenes and set pieces if those set pieces are actually funny yeah I mean the most obvious example

of that is probably like Monty Python and the Holy Grail which is not really doesn't really have a strong plot it's more of a sketch movie isn't it really

but every nearly every one of them is fucking gold is really good yeah it doesn't hang together as a narrative at all no but it's

still enjoyable. So, Phlegm... Oh, no. Is that Phlegm? Phlegm O'Neill from The Guardian says... No one's going to have the first name Phlegm, Paul. What does that look like? That looks like Phlegm.

Phlegm? Phlegm. Shut up! Phlegm. Phlegm. Phlegm. I bet it's Irish and it's actually pronounced... It is Irish, isn't it? Because his second name's O'NeNeill I bet it's Irish and it's actually pronounced it is Irish isn't it

because his second name's O'Neill I bet it's pronounced Neil anyway full of cameos from everyone you'd expect all of whom appear wooden and uncomfortable they really did

as if they finally realised the terrible place they unquenchable thirst for self-fulfillment you know what I mean I've ended up in the fucking Keith Leonard movie Kelly Brook

in that film Piranha she gets to talk about and then get eaten by piranhas. And it's okay. It's much more reputable than being almost drenched in Keith Lemon jizz

in this film. It's just terrible, man. At least she didn't get her penis out. Boobs! I meant to say boobs. Paul's unconscious

mind la la Paul's unconscious dicky booby mind is dicky booby mind. Jason la. La la. Pulled. Unconscious. Dicky booby mind. Right. Jason Best. Dicky booby mind.

From Movie Talk says, Full of nauseating puerile penis enlargement and bodily fluid gags. The film pads out its mercifully brief running time with witless cameos. It felt so much longer than an hour and 25 minutes. And Christopher Tukey from the Daily Mail. Says. What do you mean? It's the Daily fucking Mail.

In some inner circle of hell, this movie will be playing forever. It's true. Now, I don't want to rip off too many different YouTube and website and podcast formats while we're doing this episode. But when I listen to How Did This Get Made... They covered that. No, but they do talk... They do go on... Is it Amazon?

Right, and get some... And then get people who've given it a five-star review. Yeah. So I want to look on Amazon. And see if there's a five-star review for that. Yeah. It's going to be either just someone who's insane or a child or actually just clearly put there by someone involved with the production of the film. Yes, maybe. Oh, it's got three

and a half stars over 212 reviews. Wow, that's high. Jay Bansal says, five stars, love this. I've always found Keith Lemon a really funny guy. I saw this film on the TV the other night and I have to say it had my childhood hero in, David Hasselhoff. So what? I'm glad

this film was on DVD. This person says, Thanks. Item as described. Thanks delivery. Fast delivery. Thanks. These are all from just,

it just says Amazon customer. Yeah. And they're all five star reviews. Good laugh. Great. Funny. No. If you like Keith Lemon,

you'll love this, says Johnny Oates. Is that even true though? It's a bit long winded, but very funny. A bit long-winded? The whole thing's superfluous. Anne P. Five stars.

My daughter very happy. DVD. That's what it says. Well, you know, these are people maybe not English speakers. You wouldn't want your daughter. How old's her daughter?

You wouldn't want any of your kids seeing that. Abby. Five stars. Very funny but very rude film. Haha, but it is Keith and that's the rub, isn't know. Yeah. I wish a kid'd seen that. Abby, five stars. Very funny, but very rude film. Ha ha, but it is Keith. And that's the rub, isn't it?

Yeah. It's like, oh, Keith Lemon and his spunk and his tits. It's just endless fellatio jokes, man. It's like, God almighty. They're all just... Oh, wait. This is weird. Five stars from Zara.

And it just... Here, review says, as expected. What does that mean mean it was a film CJ says I bought this DVD for my hubby he loves Keith Lemon he laughed so hard he cried not my thing though I'll tell you what Paul if I was dating

yeah someone and you know it's all going well maybe on the third date or something yeah and they said I love Keith Lemon. He's so hilarious. I think I'd actually just have to walk out. I couldn't, it wouldn't, there's no future in that relationship, is there?

No, there's not. Where do you go? If they were being actually genuinely sincere, like, you know. Yeah. Mel Grant, five stars. From what I remember, this film was quite funny, and that's why I bought it.

From what I remember? But I've got severe dementia. So that's why I bought it. Plus it was cheap. And it was a pre-owned disc. Perfect. Fuck off. From what I remember, I'm a human and I'm alive.

From what I remember, breakfast is in the morning. From what I remember... Fucking hell. Our Hunter says, My hubby loves it. I personally can't effing stand Keith Lemon. But you still give it five stars. Why would you give it five stars?

You don't understand the system. Stop reading them. Oh, I'm gone. I want to see if there's a juicy one. There won't be. All I can say is it's a funny film. He says oosh a lot, and there's lots of celebrities throughout.

Be warm, though. It's 18. For a reason. With Keith Lemon at his best. The service from Amazon was great, and packaging was good. Bang Tidy. Well, that's a lot of them are, yeah.

Bang Tidy. Did he say Bang Tidy? I presume he said Bang Tidy in the film at some point. Fuck me. Why are all these people reviewing this? Kevin Bishop. Kevin Bishop. Kevin Bishop.

Kevin Bishop was so bad in that. All right, I'll read this last one Jojo says very funny movie got this from my friend for Christmas he loves Keith Lemon

and said it was very funny a must see for Keith Lemon fans update on the 29th of the 1st 13 I gave this film

5 stars because it was a present for my friend and he loved it but after watching it myself to be honest I didn't like it

I like Keith Lemon and parts were funny but this didn't like it. I like Heath Ledford and parts were funny, but this wasn't great at all. I suppose everyone's opinion's different. I would have given it 3. I've left it 5, as that's what my friend would have rated it. Oh, fuck off. Stop being mealy-mouthed. No one cares. Give it what it deserves, which is

zero. Zero. Zero. Where there were negative scores, I would give it negative infinity. What bugs me, though, more than anything else, is you more than me, but we've been involved with people who want to raise money for short films or features, and it's a nightmare. You know what I mean? I'm sure you've had experience.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure, as I say, Stuart recently knows how stressful it is to get a film made it's very stressful getting the budget you know you know and you think shooting it you've got to beg for money to get a film made and yet someone went keith lemon the movie oh money money money money it was it was low budget it's a low budget Yeah. And that's also the other thing, Paul, is that it was so lazy. The production was so lazy and fucking just sort of skinflint, you know? Box office was 5.4 million.

And how much was the budget? That doesn't say here. I think the budget can't have been much less than that. No. No. It received 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, considered one of the worst movies ever made. I'd say that is literally

one of the worst things I've ever made, I've ever seen. And it's like, you know, the type of films they get on Mystery Theatre 3000 or whatever? Yeah. They are bad, yeah, but there's something interesting about them. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And usually they're sort of horrors or they're sci-fi, so... They're kind of big ideas that have... They fail. achieve their own concepts yes they fail but with a comedy that's that is so bad like that it's just so unenjoyable like you can't make jokes about how bad these jokes are just yeah that just drained the humor out of my fucking mind. Do you know what I mean? It drained me of any kind of fucking Joy de Vivre at all. That was like a fucking having someone fart

in your face while you're tied up for several hours. It was like the weird kid in school who'd make you watch his penis dance blow his pants during PE. Paul, is there something you want to not relate to? Not right now not right now the weird kid with his make you watch his penis dance i don't want to go for the what i want to

go to the wiki we'll move on the wikipedia the wikipedia page move on i think you should move on but i will not be moving on it's just i get the fucking deets and will not reveal danny's identity right in a one-star review in the Daily Telegraph, Robbie Collins said it may be the most staggeringly perfunctory piece of filmmaking

I have ever seen. It was so lazy. The Guardian says the script must have taken longer to read than it was to write. You know what I mean? The script was so bad.

That was such a first draft. Writing in the sun, Alex Zane was less critical, giving it two stars, but entitling the article This Lemon Sucks, saying this film doesn't capture the anarchy that made Keith Lemon enjoyable, unpredictable, or even amusing. Wait, what does the fucking box say?

Doesn't it have a quote from Alex Zane? Yes. Bang tidy. Keith Lemon at his best. Or what is it? It's often the... Give it to me. Fuck's sake, you moron.

Nuts Magazine said Bang Tidy, but what did Alex Zane say on it? Where did you read that? Where did I read that? Is it on the inside slip? No. Same. Why did you conjure up the name?

This is mysterious, isn't it? Why did you conjure up the name? No, because it wasn't on this film. Oh, it was on Pixels? Yeah. Ah, fucking Alex Zane you cunt at least Zane didn't

fucking like this no one could like this anyone who said they liked this like I say Paul is either kind of you know uncritical

sort of you know basically a lot of those Amazon ones were it arrived five stars you know what I mean yeah the box is

the box is the box yeah the box came and it was nice five stars yeah yeah my friend liked Keith Lemon five stars yeah yeah you know what I mean the box is the box is the box yeah the box came and it was nice five stars my friend liked Keith Lemon five stars yeah you know

an unbelievably scathing review Mark Kermode famous UK film reviewer described the film as unbelievably puerile

and shockingly terrible claiming that he found the experience of digging a penny from the armrest of his chair less revolting

than the film he placed it number one of his worst films of 2012 and in 2018 at number five one of the worstrest of his chair less revolting than the film he placed it number one of his worst films of 2012 and in 2018 at number five one of the worst movies

of the past ten years I have to agree with Komodo I mean I do disagree with Komodo about some stuff oh of course there's films

that he loves that I just think are dull yeah we've all got our different tastes and there's films but I think I agree

with him more about the stuff he hates actually than the stuff he really likes fair enough box office debut at number five in the UK it would definitely be in my top five I think I agree with him more about the stuff he hates, actually, than the stuff he really likes. Fair enough. Box office debut number five in the UK.

It would definitely be in my top five of what things I've seen that have been... That is an insult to the hard work of filmmakers. It really is. A TV special of Spherebity Juice given a low-budget movie budget. It's just so depressing, man. The film did win three awards, but afters, which is like a... The British Raspberries. Yeah, Razzies.

Worst film, worst dialogue, and worst female acting performance. From LeBron. I'm going to imagine so, because even though the girlfriend, you know... She wasn't as bad. No, and she got less to do in the film than the love interest.

Yeah. She just had to hang there. While they did a Geordie accent in the background yeah you know her performance because it was half decent

didn't fit in did it do you know what I mean so it didn't look good no she was playing it too innocently you know straight she was acting in it

where everyone else is just going spunk spunk and all the celebs really have that look like fucking hell I'm actually doing this

this just sucks do you reckon that's how like I don't know it's interesting because like everyone took part of it because they kind of

understood the joke of Keith Lemon but I don't think they cared about the quality of the film they just got to be in it and thought it was all a gang show

I mean when the quality goes that low man on something it completely undermines the whole Keith Lemon thing, doesn't it? Is there anything you liked in it? Is there anything in it that you would say, oh, all right, I'll give it a pass?

I can't think of anything. I can't think of anything. There was nothing good about that film. If you like Keith Lemon... There was casual racist stereotyping, definitely. Yeah. And sort of the trope of the magic item being associated with this Indian guy. Yeah.

And that being associated with sort of genies and exoticness. And it didn't even go into that. That's insulting and it's a trope and it's terrible. You've got, what else was... The MacGuffin was pointless. I know MacGuffins are meant to be pointless, but like, I don't understand the point of the photo. The laziness of the plot.

Like the character of the fixer grows wings and literally picks him up and flies him back to Leeds so he can finish the plot. Do you know what I mean? That is just beyond... Like, imagine them sitting there writing the script. Two of them wrote that script. Yeah. Sitting there going,

Oh, we need him then to go back up to Leeds. Why would he go up to the... Let's just have a fucking character's sprout wings. Yeah. Because he's a magical little man. And why not make him an angel? That's funny, isn't it? And then how is that scene going on?

Scene 13 where you just spunk in the air in your own face for about a minute. I think that's probably my favourite bit. That might be my favourite bit. Yeah. It's very on brand for cheap show. It kind of is, but I, but it wasn't very good. I would say, if we ever did a movie, it wouldn't have lots of explicit spunk in it. You know what I mean?

I'd like to think it would be more naturalistic. More naturalistic spunk? Yeah, it'd be more, you know, underwhelming. Dribbles. Dribbles. Triplets. Oh, I was thinking of, the ending reminded me of, have you ever seen

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band the movie the movie so there's not much of a plot to it but it's just the BGs

doing the covers of Beatles songs yeah it's a basic plot where Billy it wasn't just the BGs who else was in it Elton John

older people like Steve Martin's in it but more music who else rockers were in it Elton John was in it I'm pretty sure

look I can't remember who was in it but basically it was like a jukebox musical right now towards the end of the film the main character

Billy Billy Spears she is she is yeah from the album yeah I couldn't quite remember it he's got into himself

in a pickle where his love left him and the bad guys have won and everything and you think oh how's it going to fix it and then a character suddenly appears out of nowhere a little green angel and goes oh where's

the magic wand and everyone's back to normal it ends deus ex machina yeah and it was like i remember being so disappointed by the laziness of that particular thing i thought it would be stupid enough to do that again well it was keith lemon god so poor so poor oh that was the other racist thing he gets mugged and then he starts to do a reggae song no he's all the muggers are white but then he starts to sort of

try and be down with the kids by doing his sort of street talk and if he sort of does whatever they call it, black English. Urban youth. Yeah.

It's, it's, yeah. Pactual. Multi, it's called multicultural. I heard what it was called, but it's like,

you know, the way that children and young teen, teenagers and young adults would speak in London. Right. You know, that kind of, that our God, which is associated with people of color.

And the only reason they got away from sort of being more explicitly kind of racist is by having all the muggers as white yeah and then there's a whole thing where it was racist where it didn't need to defend being racist didn't need to do it it didn't need to do it but again it's that broad grotesque cartoon stereotypical way the whole Billy Ocean is my dad. No, he's not, because you're white. That's kind of like saying, you know, that's kind of drawing attention to the racial sort of... Was there anything about the mum in there? Fucking shit. It was so fucking shit.

I really feel kind of dirty inside and angry after seeing it. It's really pissed me off. So, let's wrap this up, right? In our first inaugural... Let's wrap it up in a fucking wank sock and burn it. In our first inaugural Cheap Flicks episode, right? Would you recommend Keith Lemon, if you saw it for 50p in CEX on sale?

Absolutely not. I'd recommend taking a shit and in a dirty protest, rubbing that shit all over the DVD. You know what i'm gonna go mommy i like poo poo i like poo poo in bin i put poo poo in bin i rub poo poo all over dvds pooey dvds poo poo dvds i don't care if you call the police. Poo-poo DVDs? Right, well, we've lost Eli, I think, for the time being. Poo-poo?

Poo-poo DVD? No, okay, we're going to move swiftly on, Eli. Poo-poo, poo-poo. I'm going to Eli. Poo-poo. Paul's going to move swiftly on. A poo-poo DVD. And end this episode.

Robbie, Robbie DVD. Robbie, crotchy DVD, poo-pee. Don't touch me. Is this how we're ending the episode? Don't touch me, I poo on DVD. Well, how would we like to... Would I recommend it? Not with you shouting shouty poo poo DVD after criticising a film for 86 minutes

where you didn't approve of the image on it. He didn't do anything that fucking funny, the whole thing. There was a character there. It's the little insane Eli in a shop sneering his shit on DVDs. Here's the thing, right. Should we give this back to CEX? Yes. Or should we just put it in the bin?

I really think it should be destroyed. I'll snap it in half right now. I'm going to film it then. If you're going to snap it, I'm going to film it. Where's my phone? Where's my washboard? Originally sold for six quid. Wow.

Mate, you've got to remember, that originally sold for maybe like a tenner. Yeah. Or 15 quid. Right, hang on, let me get the camera on. You've got this... I mean, let's just do it. What are the extras? Anything? Probably outtakes and the making of... It's audio commentary. I don't give a fuck.

I'm never going to listen to this. Oh my god. How we made a bang-tidy film. No, you did not. You did not make a bang-tidy film. You did not make a bang-tidy anything. Extended and deleted scenes, you did not. You did not make a bang tidy film. You did not make a bang tidy anything. Extended and deleted scenes, Paul. Different ending.

What gold was cut out that they had to leave on the cutting room floor, Eli? Blooper bits. Easter egg. Loads and loads and loads more. Well, Eli, let's not beat around the bush any further. Let's get rid of Keith Lemon so no one else has to watch it. Here we go.

Good luck. Oh, he's breaking it. Use your strength. Oh! Fucking hell! There you go, I've broken it. No one ever has to see that again. I'm going to make sure you watch what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to leave the room. I'm going to flush it down the toilet. You can't flush it down the toilet. You'll break your toilet. I'm just gonna leave the room. I'm gonna flush it down the toilet. You can't flush it down the toilet. You'll break your toilet. I'm gonna flush it. Bye-bye, Keith. Bye-bye. What?

Paul. What have you done? Flushed it. It won't go down the loo, mate. It's meant to go down. Well, now you're gonna have to fish it out. I have done. This has been in my toilet. Oh, Paul. No, no, no. It's been in go down. Well, now you're going to have to fish it out. I have done. This has been in my toilet.

Oh, Paul. No, no, no. It's been in my toilet. Ah! You fucking... How dare you put toilet water on me? Is that true? Yeah.

It's already clean water. It's not clean water. It's had your shit in it. It's not. It's been clean. When? I'm angry with you did you really do that goodbye

goodbye ladies and gentlemen follow us on at cheap show pod or the cheap show pod dot com I don't know is this shit water

let's do all the rest of the episodes in the house of pickles from now on come over here took me fucking hours you made me watch a shit film

because you put toilet water on me then you threw toilet water at me well we've come to the end of a very difficult episode

Eli's on twitter at Eli Snoid E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and I am Paul Gannon Show and also at the cheap show pod I think Paul Paulannon Show and also at the Cheap Show Pod

I think Paul Paul sorry www.thecheapshow.co.uk and you can follow us on Patreon dot com forward slash

Cheap Show Paul what I think you should say when you say what you are on Paul Gannon yeah

you should say P-A-U-L-G-A-N-N-O-N S-H-O-W yeah don't want to I want you to oh you can follow me on Twitter do something for me at Paul Gannon Show P-A-U-L-G-A-N-N-O-N-S-H-O-W. Yeah. Don't want to? I want you to. Oh, you can follow me on Twitter. Do something for me.

At Paul Gannon Show. P-A-U-L-G-A-N-N-O-N-S-H-O-W. Yeah. Love it. Right, good. Now, apologise for the poo water incident. I apologise for flushing the toilet on the box. And you literally threw it at me.

And threw it at you. But it's clean. It's not clean. Yeah, clean. It was water from the cistern. It's water that's gone into the bowl. It didn't go in the bowl. And you know where the bowl is, Paul.

It's where you do poop. Yes, it's the shit bowl. Still, it's better than Keith Lemon, isn't it? Fuck you. Honestly. And fuck Keith Lemon. you