CheapShow - Ep 132: Crab Bucket

Episode Date: June 21, 2019

What mysteries lie in the infamous Crab Bucket? What surprises does it bestow? Frankly, not many. However it is just one of the delights featured in this week's "almost classic game play rules" edition of The Price of Shite. Elsewhere in the episode Paul and Eli delve in to the mucky history of London once again to discover about the lives of "Pure Finders" and how a few dodgy streets got their names. All in all, it's a pretty standard episode... apart from that one moment where we use time travel to right a very dirty wrong from CheapShow's history... And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-132-crab-bucket If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Hello there, it's time for Cheap Show once again. I'm Eli Silverman. Oh, I'm sorry, news is just coming in. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hi, this is Fraud Spot and we've got news coming in today of the renowned section of Cheap Show called The Source Report is under investigation at the moment for fraudulent knowledge and backroom activities. Apparently, he's been in the pocket of big source companies taking bribes. And we're going to speak to the man who heads this source report, Mr. Eli Silverman. Mr. Silverman! Mr. Silverman!

Hello! I'm from Cheap Show's Fraud Report and I've got questions for you, sir. Okay, well I'm happy to answer any questions. Everything's above board and the rumours that have come out about the source report are nothing but unfounded rumours

and I'd like to see anyone produce a scrap of evidence because source report is a service that all of the cheapskates and cheap show listeners

all value very highly because it's source it talks about source and that's always been what they do and it's impartial and we don't have any

we don't take any kind of payments from any kind of source company heinz is not doing anything i have to interrupt you i'm sorry i've got this print out here it's print out here which i'll let you read right now this says that you received a payment of 40 000 pound from the el guacateco mate you can't even remember a word you said before. You try and do a bit. You try to do a bit, and you haven't got the skills. Don't change the question, Mr. Silverman. I'm not changing the question.

Did you accept £40,000 for a well-known hot sauce company? Now, I've got one. The printout there says you received. I've got a question for you. Yes. Do you think I'd still be fucking sat in this dismal room with some fucking scouse twat doing a fucking shit thing that fucking just fails constantly? That's all that's good about it.

It's just constant failing. Do this with you. If I had 40 grand from El Yakateka to fucking push their sources. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. Welcome to Cheap Show. Moodle time Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy? The price of shite! Well, you haven't answered the question. The source report is cleaner than my balls.

So you're a filthy, filthy thing altogether, Mr. Silverman. The cleanliness that surrounds my nads, it shines. with my balls. So you're filthy, filthy thing all together, Mr. Silverman. No, I clean, the cleanliness that surrounds my, my nads, it shines, it shimmers in the air with cleanness.

No. It's pure, soapy, I've seen those videos, restoration videos, you know, and they take an old, rusty old thing

and then they clean it up. And they did it with my nads. And there was one with your balls. Yeah, yeah. They presented your balls and they were all rusty and musty and gross.

And what did they do to them? Scabby. Well, first of all, it's interesting you ask. Right. They put your balls in they were all rusty and musty and gross. And what did they do to them? Scabby. Well, first of all, it's interesting you ask. They put your balls in a sandblasting unit and just took off all the rust from the outside

and they got smashed out. The subtle ball underneath. Yeah. And then he takes them onto some wire wool and some 1000 grit sandpaper and just buffs it down. It's my favourite bit.

Yeah. It buffs it down and then he gives it a good old polish on the wheel he polishes the balls in the world brings out a lot of the color but that natural uh texture and then that's it you got a nice pair of as good as new balls so my claim that my balls are at this point yeah immaculately clean is correct it is great you can see the video online right now it It's Eli's ball sack restoration video by Fixum and Lixum.

The channel's called Fix It or Lix It. Right, Fixum and Lixum. Because he fix them, then he licks them at the end. That's also my favourite bit. Yeah, it is when he licks your balls at the end. Paul, can you just try and inspire me with something a bit better than this nonsense?

Source report fraud, that didn't work, and now... It worked alright! I thought you were going to get angry and say, no, no, and storm off. That would be what they do on the Cook Report, remember? Oh, the Cook Report.

Remember? I thought you'd be something like that. It was like, no, no, Barbara. It would get a bit brand off. Barbara. It's always Barbara with you. It's the only name I can think of. It's the only name you can think of.

It's not. Your child is going to be a boy and he's going to be called Barbara. What's wrong with that? Babs. All right, Babs. It would be confusing for and he's going to be called Barbara. What's wrong with that? Babs. All right, Babs. It will be confusing for him. Names. What are names?

What are names? Just signifiers. Don't mean anything. You can change your name. I could change my name right now. My name right now is called Ryan Gannon. They're not signifiers. Yeah.

They don't signify anything. That's the point you're trying to make. They signify who you are. They're symbols. They're part of your identity. So what point are you trying to make? That names aren't important or are? No more questions.

I'm storming off. You are a fucking intellectual lightweight, my friend. You can't string rational arguments together. He's all clever right now, ladies and gentlemen. You can't speak smart. He's all high and mighty right now,

ladies and gentlemen. But a couple of minutes time, he'll be going, er, pooey DVDs, Pooey DVDs. Pooey, pooey. Just because you love it when I say that. I don't love it. You love it when I say pooey DVD.

I don't love it when you say pooey DVD. I've heard you. You had a little nap now. I remember I just woke you up before we started this second recording today. Oh, yeah. I'll go along with this comedy gold idea. And you know what you were saying in your sleep? Go on.

I say pooey DVD to me. Yeah, I love it when you say that. Oh, please say it. Yeah, say, put me DVD. Yeah. Eli, I love you. You are good at stuff, and especially when you say, put me DVD. And I woke up and you went, oh, oh! And then a little

wet stain emerged in your pants. And you had spoffed in your sleep over me saying pooey dvd paul yes you had yes you had welcome to the economy comedy cheap show podcast where we go through the bargain bin charity shops the thrift stores the jumble sales the bazaars of great britain and beyond and look for the treasure amongst that trash and bring it to you via podcast

hello hello I'm Paul Gannon I'm Eli Silverman this is six minutes in right so they don't need to know that I need to know that why do you need to know it

it keeps me abreast of the time listen if they were listening they could look at it on their thing on their phone or whatever device they're using it will say exactly

how much time has elapsed you don't have to fucking tell them. It's probably more than that. There's too much fucking fat. Trim the fat off your home delivery. Get off then. What do you mean get off? You're my fat.

Get off. I'm your fat? Yeah. You're my fat. Get off. I'm the meat. I'm not the fat, mate. You are the gristle that surrounds the meat of my genius.

He's clutching his knob. Yeah. He's clutching it through his trousers. You are the gristle, mate, that surrounds my love-long-lang-ling. Paul, I actually thought we were going to do quite a good one, but it hasn't been. Oh, look, it's still early. It's only seven minutes in. All right, shall we try and improve it from now?

Do you want to see what I've bought this week? What have you bought? Oh, this is like Paul's item at the beginning of the show that doesn't fit. Item of the week. Doesn't fit in anywhere. Item of the week. Now, what have you bought for us this week on item of the week? Oh, he's handed it to me.

Wow. This is a product. It's mint on card, everybody. It is reasonably mint on card. It is literally mint on card. I don't think it's been opened at all. It's fucking unopened mint on card. And it's by a company called Spy Mission.

And this is, I just need to take the price off because you paid £2. A bit costly, but I was so enamoured with what it was. But it doesn't have any clear sort of thing. It's a watch with a bunch of gump with it. It does tell you on it. It's a listening kit. It's a listening kit. It's a listening kit.

So this is a bug for bugging, what, your phone? Yeah, I think the bug is in the watch and you leave the watch somewhere. Just leave it lying around? Yeah. And this is the listening device. Can I open this? Yeah. Again, this might not work like last week when we had the bloody...

Well, this is very mint on card. You can hear it, ladies and gentlemen, don't you? Yeah, he's giving it a proper tear. Peeling it off. Yeah, we had that gym kit. I'm peeling the blister pack off the card. The values just dropped down to nothing, Eli. Do they call that blister pack?

They don't do. No. The values dropped down to nothing. Here's the watch. I'm going to hand that to you, Paul. Okay, I'm going to have a look at this. Now, there's a little pack here. It's not a bad watch.

I mean, it's obviously very cheap, but from a distance, it looks fine. Now, what do I have to put the battery in? Oh, there's a sticky bit dangling off it. What do I put the battery? There's a little watch battery here. I don't know. I think it probably goes in the watch, doesn't it? Yeah, maybe. But I don't know. Maybe it goes in the listening department.

This is weird. It's got weird things written on it. So it says... It's got, like, you know, like it's meant to be a sports watch. No, I can see there's a battery already in this listening department. Oh, okay. So maybe it needs to go in here. What does it say on the sports watch? Sporty time. It says time clue. And then it says transport.

But it's like trans and then sport. Two words. Rubber time clue? I don't know what a rubber time clue is. Is this more of a toy or an actual espionage item? I don't know. It says listening device. Join the Spy Academy.

Play your free mobile game. I think it's more of a toy. It does have a battery. It's a spy toy. But I'm guessing it says listening device. Join the Spy Academy. Oh, it has got a battery in it. Play your free mobile game. I think it's more of a toy. It does have a battery in it. It's a spy toy. But I'm guessing it doesn't work. Is this the spare battery? Yeah, I guess the spare one. See if that works.

Because, oh, it's a bigger battery. No, you've got some earbuds. Oh, mate, it's a much bigger battery than the one that's in there. I don't know what you're meant to do with it. What are you meant to do with it? Well, look at the back. Look at the back of the car and see if you can figure that out. There's headphones.

And the headphones definitely go into this so this is the listening device so i've planted my watch this bit here and then i've got the listening device here which has a volume control on it battery should only be changed blah blah blah what's it saying though so listener i've got the listener yeah and then has it got a battery and? What kind of battery does it take? There, it's there Yeah, so that It's a spare battery, mate, it's just a spare How do you turn it on? I don't know, I'm going to try and press it

I'm going to put the head fans in Can you hear anything? If I put it on? Yeah, there, I can hear it Hang on, let me go out the room and talk into this Really? Yeah, it's working I'm going to go out the room It's working, mate, I can hear right. Really? Yeah, it's working. I'm going to go out the room. It's working, mate. I can hear it.

All right, he's going to speak to me, and he's going to say something, and I'll see if we can... I'll write down what he says so we can prove that he actually said something. Did it work? Did you say something? Yeah.

Hang on, can you hear it now? Yeah. Go out. I can hear you just shuffling around No No Can you hear me now? Paul what's going on? You put the headphones on Alright, I'll put the headphones on

Is there something we need to do? We need to turn this on The watch on Oh I can hear you Why is it picking it up there? You talk. I'm gonna go outside and you talk and I'll try and listen. Alright he's gone outside and I'm talking but it's not I'm talking into it. Hello hello I'm talking into the the watch uh doesn't seem to work does it? Ah go out ah it's too Ah, it's too loud. It's too loud.

It picks up. What's it picking up? It just, like, this sounds like an amplifier. So when you put it on, it amplifies what you're hearing. Yeah. By certain decibels. But I don't know. Oh, so that's what it is.

It's for eavesdropping. It's not a bug, I see. Oh, so it's not a bug. So it's like you have it on you. Okay, so what's the watch for then? I have no idea. It's part of a toy range called Spy Academy. Yeah, yeah.

The Spy Academy is a great new club for every young agent. Enlist today and receive a fantastic free mobile phone game. Ringtones, screensavers, free stuff for your school. I think that's just a listening enhancer. It's meant to enhance the sound. Yeah, so you can overhear people. Oh, that's interesting. There you go.

Hang on. I'm going to turn it on. Ah, fuck, it's loud. You're getting feedback. Yeah, it hurt my ears. Whisper. Hello, I have a large problem. Ah, I can't fucking do it.

Ah, God. Ah, it fucking hurt my ears. Right, that's a piece of shit. I have no idea what the watch does, if anything. But that amplifies ambient sound, so it must have a mic on it there. Battery operated. What was it?

It doesn't actually tell you what it does, though. No, it's weird, isn't it? Maybe it is just a kind of listening thing. With a watch. So you can whisper. So if you're in a room and you point it in the general direction of someone, you can pick up their talking a bit more. Yeah, through a door maybe or something.

Maybe. I don't know. Shall we start the show proper then? Right. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast where I, Paul Gannon, tolerate Eli Silman's excesses. Oh, yeah. I tolerate a lot of stuff.

What's going up on the show today, Eli? Well, today we have the price of shiga shiga shite. Oh, yeah. Which is our little way of doing stuff. And don't talk to me about non-sequiturs. What else have we got? We're struggling, ladies and gentlemen. What else have we got?

I don't know. We're going to go back to that book about London. Oh, we've got some tales from London. As part of Paul's page turners, we're going to go back to that book and look into a few more historical moments from London that you might just not know about. Are we going to start with the Price is Right, Paul? Yeah.

All right. But we're going to do it after I put the sound effect in, ain't I? What sound effect? I don't know. Sometimes it's the ch-ch-ch-ch-ching of a till, or sometimes it's the ting-a-ling-a-ling of a bell, or sometimes it's shaking the money pot, or sometimes it's the ch-ch-ch-ch-ching of a till, or sometimes it's the ting-a-ling-a-ling of a bell, or sometimes it's shaking the money pot, or sometimes it's the

cash machine. Listen, mate. Look, we've got some money here. You don't have to. You don't have to use the sound. Yeah, we do. No, you don't. Look. Just imagine this. You did this last time and it didn't work. I didn't do it last time. You did. You did this like 20 episodes ago. Well, I'm doing it again.

Right. Time for the doing it again. Right. You drop the coins and you bash the mic. Time for the prize to shine. Yeah. You are a wank. Welcome to this next section, Paul. No, no, no, no, no.

The section starts. No, there's the sound effect. No, you fucking dare. There's the sound effect, Paul. No, it's not happening. Here's the fucking sound effect. Right. Right. Right. Jingle time.

Talking to your fucking microphone. Fucking hell! Oh! Paul! Paul's a wank, a wank, a wank. He's a wank, a wank, a wank. This fucking podcast. I know.

Right. I know. Right, you ready? Yes. Today, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play The Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite.

Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. That's right. Right. It's the Price of Shite, Paul. Now. A nice classic one. There have been lots of different versions

of the game, but the recent way that we've been doing it, Paul, is a combination of classic Price of Shite, Guess the Price, combined with your live version where you just put them in order.

In order. But we do both. So there are three items today, Paul. Yeah. And there's a number of ways you can score points. That's exciting. You score a point for each item in the correct order of ascending priciness. What?

So if you say this is the cheapest. Yeah. And it is. Yeah. You get a point for that. Oh, I see. I see. And if you say this is the middle one in terms of price, you get a point for that.

And if you say this is the most expensive one, and it is, you get a point for that. So there's three points available from things being in the right orientation. But if you think about the maths of this, Paul, you can't actually score two points. You can only score one. One or three. One or three on that. It's interesting, that, isn't it? Yeah. Because that's the nature of numbers, isn't You can't actually score two points. You can only score one. One or three. It's interesting, that, isn't it? Because that's the nature of numbers, isn't it?

Isn't that the nature of numbers? It's the nature of numbers. Numbers have a nature. And this is part of their nature. No, it's not just to be numbers. They are numbers. But it's their nature to be numbers. And also to behave in ways.

Naturally. They behave in ways. Yes, they behave in ways that we don't understand. So, one or three points available from the ordering of the items. Great explanation of the rules so far. Continue, Mr Silverman. But you also can guess the price of the shite itself, Paul. You can indeed. There are rules you can score from that.

You get two whole points. If. If. You get it on the nose, as we say. You can indeed. And there are rules you can score from that. You get two whole points if you get it on the nose, as we say. On the nose. Exactly right. If you guess exactly the price that I paid for the item,

you get two points. It's a big score. If it is within... 25p either way, under or over. 25p either way, under or over, you get one point.

Yeah. Because we're generous here. We are... We don't want you to go away empty-handed. Empty-handed. Although you definitely want me to go away empty-handed. That's not the way I play the game, Paul. I'm not going to put...

I've been very fur to you. That's not the way I fucking play the game, Paul. I'm not going to put shit on any of this. I'm not going to dunk tea bag any of these items. I'm not going to pick up floor from a tube or... Floor from a tube? Pick up floor from a tube? Pickor from a tube? Pick up floor from a tube? Have I?

Have I said how much was this piece of floor from a tube to you? No. I'm just saying, you pick up sweets from the floor of a tube station and hand that to me. Or the crusty eye patch. Or the crusty eye patch. And then you went way too far and you put a tie in poo and then tried to fucking give me disease.

And then put a Keith Lemon DVD in a toilet. Yeah, exactly. Threw it at you. So, a Keith Lemon DVD in a toilet. Yeah, exactly. Threw it at you. So, that's not the way I play. Yeah, I play fair. I play fair. You have. It's nothing.

Nothing's a prize, Paul. Possible. Nothing's a prize. I found it. Nothing's a prize. It's legitimate. It could be zero. You have nine points.

That's not fair, is it? Nine points. Still fucking angry about that. Can I just say? Still angry about your whole fucking eyepatch zero points thing and then the one pound at the other end. You just don't know how to play the game. It was appalling gamesmanship.

You don't know how to play. I'll tell you what's appalling gamesmanship, Paul. I'll tell you what's appalling gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. I can say that. You say it. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship.

Gamesmanship. I can say it too. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. Yeah. Gamesmanship. Yeah. I can say that. Yeah. You say it. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. I can say it too. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship. Yeah. Gamesmanship. Gamesmanship.

Gamesmanship. Or the USS Gloria, which is the gay man ship. Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba. Arr. Now, Paul. Yeah. Now, Paul. Yeah.

When you pretended that one one because we have a different version of the price of shite which is another good version which is the found given the bfg bought found or given version and where you said i found it under the christmas tree that was a gift we all know that and the cheapskates have backed me up on this and that was unfair okay now let's just put bygones be bygones yeah for a moment yeah let's do bygones be bygones we've got a

lovely fresh price of shite for you Paul I wish you well I hope you get the maximum score okay none of this bad feeling if I did it all

right all through the right order you would get nine points right nine points are you possible to win because you've done quite badly lately

I had a zero yeah and then a one. And a one pointer. Yeah. So I'm not, listen. Did I cheat in any of those circumstances? No. Did I not even aid in many respects? You didn't cheat, but you know. You do seem to be better generally at guessing the price of stuff than me.

I'll accept that. I had a bit of a winning streak. Now, are you ready for your first item, Paul? Give me, give me, give me an item. Say what you see, Paul. First item, price of show. I like this. This falls into the, if I'd seen this, I'd get this two category.

Yeah, because it's like the cream egg cups. We like a bit of promotional old school food crockery on this show. And that falls into that category. Tell them what it is, Paul. It's a cereal bowl. And it's a cereal bowl, I think, almost designed for the cereal it holds. It's a Weetabix cereal bowl

celebrating 70 years of Weetabix. Now, what is Weetabix for those of us that don't know what Weetabix is, Paul? It's like a kind of grain biscuit, isn't it? It's a lozenge-shaped sort of cereal biscuit that you're meant to put... It's a breakfast cereal. Yeah.

And it goes soggy very quickly. I like it when it goes soggy, don't... You put a bit of sugar on top, milk... You don't have to. You don't have to, but you let it crumble a bit. It would be too dry to eat without milk.

Oh, you couldn't eat it dry, Eli. But you can actually get it really mushy, can't you? If you put some milk on and leave it for a few minutes... When I lived in Bournemouth and I used to write for Paragon Publishing, there was a Shakeaway. Back in the day, Shakeaway had just opened up. What is Shakeaway?

Shakeaway is a fancy milkshake store where you can go, oh, I want a Dime Bar milkshake. Do they still do Shakeaway? They still have them in Bryce. They still have them in... Oh, yeah, I think I've seen them. What, the junction they had? Shake places haven't really taken off in London.

You don't see them that much in London. You see them on the outskirts. There's tons. What's your feeling on a milkshake generally? I mean, I can enjoy one once in a while. I like them. When I was a kid, me and my mate Dave used to make milkshakes of our own concoction.

So, you know, you do chocolate, clipmars, bars and stuff. Did you have a visit from your Uncle Grumbly? No. Did he come round? No, no milkshakes were made with Bob Lee. Put some of this in. Put some of this in. Poor little boy.

You've made all sorts of lovely, lovely milkshakes, but it's missing one ingredient. Oh, slurry. Right. So you used to make your own milkshakes? What's wrong, Mr Grumbly? He's trying to kill off Uncle Grumbly. He's shat out his organs into the milkshake.

He's trying to kill off Uncle Grumbly. I've wasted my life. Now Uncle Grumbly seems to have died, everybody. I've killed him off. Well, that would work, Paul, but you've overlooked one thing. What? You were doing a flashback to Uncle Grumbly meeting you as a child, which means he couldn't have died back then, could he?

Because he needed to be alive for his recent activities in the world of confectionery stroke poo. Because you know what that means? What? It means that Lady Plops and Squishy Jib are back together. Well, that never happened. It never happened. Why did it never happen?

We've reset the timeline. Right. Oh, Mr. Squishy Jim, how are you? I'm all right. I've been a bit down, actually. Have you, darling? Yeah, I've got nothing to squish, you know. Well. Since you went off with that. I've been a bit down actually. Have you darling? Yeah, I've got nothing to squish. Well...

Since you went off with that... I don't remember him. It's all of a sudden disappeared. You don't remember who? You. Oh, I don't. The timeline is changing around me in a Back to the Future style way, which means I'm still allowed to remember bits of it. But it fades out over time as the timeline is corrected. Right. Alright, so what? So you still want me to go to supermarkets with you and squish squish the shit in?

Squishy Jim, I was blind. I was blinded by shit. I was blinded by the idea of making shit. Oh Squishy Jim is back! Squishy Jim is back again! Oh Madam Lady Plop, say you'll never let me go again. I will never discard you like yesterday's chip paper. Come on they've just opened a liddle over there. Let's fucking put loads of shit in it I can squish. Here we go.

Squish squish squish. Squish squish squish. Squish squish squish. Squish squish squish. Squish squish squish. Oh I'm so happy. Squish squish squish. Squish, squish, squish. Squish, squish, squish. Squish, squish, squish. Squish, squish, squish. Oh, I'm so happy. Squish, squish, squish. Squish, squish, squish.

Oh, I'm in paradise. And they all lived happily ever after. The end. I'm glad that's all been sorted and that they're back together and Mr. Grumbly, Uncle Grumbly's basically written out. Who? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, Weedsabix Bowl.

Weetabix Bowl. I love the colour of it. It's a nice yellow. It's a yellow bowl and it's square. That's the unusual thing. But it makes sense because, okay, so you put a normal brick of Weetabix in a bowl and because of the shape of it,

it kind of sits above the bottom of the bowl so the milk has to be poured in more to reach the top. And this is... They've thought above the bottom of the bowl so the milk has to be poured in more to reach the top and this is... They've thought about the design of Weetabix and how a square bowl would work better. Yeah, it sits exactly on the bottom. The milk goes directly on it without any gap underneath. Crumbles, evens out,

absorbs more evenly. Some people would like the bottom half of their Weetabix to be mushy. You want it? I want this. I'll give you money for it. You can have it, Paul. How much is it? No, no. Oh, damn it.

You're cutting me out again. You can have it, though, Paul. All right, cool. Okay, because you like it. It's nice, isn't it? I really like it. And these are the nice things that we get on Cheap Show. I love this.

I love branded crockery. Yeah. That's what it is, isn't it? Well, all that kind of stuff. Like last week when we did the froth shop stuff and all the sweets, I like when they incorporate the design, the iconography of the candy into it. So those little bottles of nail polish, just cute, just adorable with the logos on. This is crockery.

This will last. And it's a week, 70th anniversary. I wonder when that was. I think we should check that out. All right, let's check that out. Due process. It made me just think about the Spanish fle out. All right, let's check that out. Due process. It made me just think about the Spanish Flea. You know, that tune.

I've got a Moog version on that. Can we do a Moog special again soon? Moog 2. Moog 2, please. Back to the Moog. Yeah, please, can we do it? Moog harder. Can we do it, Paul?

Moog hard with a vengeance. Live Moog and die Moog. Live Moog and die Moog. Another Moog to die Moog. Put Weetabix 70th anniversary. Bowls. Oh, it comes up on the thing. The bowls come up, has it? Now, was this probably something you could collect stamps on the side of a packet and then send off for, maybe?

I think so. There's not much details on... They couldn't have put that in... 2002. It was 70 years old. So that's quite an old bowl now. It think so. There's not much details on 2002. It was 70 years old. That's quite an old bowl now. There's some eBay prices here. Almost 18 years ago

this was their 70th anniversary. It's interesting, on eBay, where I'm seeing a lot of these sales, they're being sold in sets of four. Ah, yeah, you'd have them as a set wouldn't they? Yeah. How much are they going for? Between £8 for a set of four and £29.

That's quite a lot, isn't it? For a set of four. So they might be a bit collectible, these things. Maybe. A lot of people do collect stuff like that. My granddad, I think it was my granddad, he loved collecting toy cars of Cadbury's. You know, they used to bring out vintage old model vans.

And they have Cadbury's on the side. Or Hovis. Yes. He loved all that kind of shit. Well, that's why I've got one up there for Araldite. Oh, you do? A little van up there for Araldite. Yeah.

Behind it is the little engraving of Ali Pali I bought today. You're very proud of this. You're very proud of it. It looks good up there. It does. It suits the overall kind of bric-a-brac motif of that wall. Yes, it does. Now, I am going to have to push you for a price.

We are playing the price of shite today, Paul. I'm going to say that was one... You can change it once you see all three items. Yeah, you're right. I forgot we're doing it. I'm going to wait and rank them before I price them. You don't have a feeling? It's between £1.50 and £2, I think that.

Okay, now, are you ready for your second item? Eli, good first item. Okay. I'm just saying, good first item. All right, here's your second item, Paul. You don't have to close your eyes. I know. I'm going to open it.

What do you think it is? You know what? What? Good item. Then you hand me a small box of drawing pins. That's what it is, Paul. 72. I mean, yeah, you're right.

This is vintage. Look at the vintage box. Look at the nice vintage colour on that. I don't know. It sounds like condoms for robots on the back. What does it say? Double riveted for strength. Rust resistant.

Electroplated. Superior quality. See, that's when... Back in the day when they actually used to have to sell you the drawing pins. They're trying to make these days they wouldn't try and big up the drawing pins. What are they like?

They're like drawing pins with flathead drawing pins. Flathead with that weird pattern that all drawing pins had on the top with like a little let me see a little flower

kind of like a little fake daisy look. You know what I mean? I've never noticed that before. These are vintage pins. I bet they don't have them on these days. No, because they're all No, because they have them like that. These are vintage pins. I bet they don't have them on these days. No, because they're all... No, because they have them like that. Look at that blue

pin in there. They've got plastic heads these days. These are old school, mate. These are nice old school ones. Yeah, not as exciting as the Weetabix It can't all be winners. But it's got a quite nice retro packaging, doesn't it? What era do you think? These might be 1950s

drawing pins. Made especially for F.W. Woolworths and Co yeah so that was back in the day when you go into woolworths and just like sweets pick and mix they had a wall full of uh tools and and and make some screws things you needed screws pins yeah clamps washers this is probably a box in there so yes i actually like the color and the and the graphic design on the box, I have to say. I would say that looking at it, it looks 50s, early 60s.

It could be, couldn't it? Am I wrong? Well, it doesn't say, does it? No. They don't date these things. But it's made for F.W.

Woolworth. It says item 53, so they probably had all different... Maybe 70s then. Maybe 70s. It's probably 70s. Yeah, it's probably 70s. Yeah.

But, I mean... Made in England. Yay! Brexit! Right, there you go. We don't need these French drawing pins. We don't need them. Le drawing pin.

Le drawing pin. Fucking all the German. Who fuck you what? Drawing pinon. Pinon drawing. We'll make our own drawing pin. Or Italian. Drawing pinny.

Or like the Spanish. Draw a pinny. Or Romanian. Ceaușescu pin Oscar. Anyway, we're going to go to our British pin factory now and make drawing pins the British way. Where is it? Oh, that was closed down 20 years ago.

Yeah, Brexit! Yeah, a bit of satire. A bit of satire there on the cheap way. Where is it? Oh, that was closed down 20 years ago. Yeah, Brexit! Yeah, a bit of satire. A bit of satire there on the cheap show. Now, that is your second item, Paul. Yeah. 72. It's quite a specific number as well.

Yeah, very 72. I wonder why they did that. There's all sorts of things this is bringing up. 72 of them in there? Yeah, but why did they decide? Why did they decide? Maybe that is the year.

Drawing pin 72. Why did they decide that you need 72 and not 70 or 50? I mean here's the way I look at it. Maybe they just saw the movies that were

being released at the time like Airport 77 and they thought we'll call our drawing pins drawing pins 72. Admit to me that is something pleasing about the graphic design

on that box. It's not just a box of drawing pins. If I was making a drama set in the 70s and it was set in a corner shop you'd have one of those as a prop. That's what I'm saying. And small tins and a few of drawing pins. If I was making a drama set in the 70s and it was set in a corner shop... You'd have one of those as a prop. That's what I'm saying.

And small tins and a few of them. Yeah, they can't all please you, Paul. No, you're right. You're right. Which of those two items do you think is more expensive, though? If it was me playing it... Yeah. Obviously, the drawing pins would cost more than the bowl.

Really? Because you'd try to fool someone with that. Well, no, because I would go out of my way to buy something that... Didn't look as... I try and keep things... You know, like I said, when I went to that Tiger, and it was 50p, but usually they go for a fiver. You met a Tiger?

Was it a female Tiger? Tiger Copenhagen. Was it a Tiger? Was it dead? Was it a female? Why did you do this joke a few episodes ago when we were actually talking about Tiger? It's just occurred to me now.

Well, don't do it then. It's a great joke, mate. It's not a callback. It's a callback. It's not a callback. The Derek story, isn't it? The tiger. Did you fuck it?

No. Well, you know what you can do? Get some Viagra. I don't want to know anything about... Which you can get around the corner. No. Yeah? You can't.

You've got to be careful. Get some Viagra. With Viagra. Take half of Viagra. Just a bit. So you get a fucking proper stodge right on. So if you have half of Viagra... Does that mean bit so you get a fucking proper scodge right on so if you have half a Viagra does that mean

the first chunk of your penis is rock hard but then it droops at the end like a like a sock like a half inflated one of those things like a sausage

halfway out of a machine yeah like you can't think you can't think of even a word you can't think of anything do you think of something funny to describe it

no let's move on like a wind sock yes Like a windsock. Yes, like a windsock. Yes, good. Are you ready for your third item? Yes.

So you're saying you would have been deceitful or you would have tried to fool me by paying more for the drawing pins. Yeah. Because the obvious thing is to think that the drawing pins

would be cheaper. I know. That's the game, isn't it? So which way are you leaning, though? 1.03, isn't it? It's always going to be 1.03. Which way are you leaning? To my east. Are you ready for your third item? 1.03, isn't it? It's always going to be 1.03. Which way are you leaning? To my east.

Are you ready for your third item? That's great, Gak. Close your eyes. All right. Oh, there's some froth shop things I forgot in here. We'll have to forget that until another time, though. I might mention those, give them an honourable mention in a minute. Come on.

Here it is, Paul. Yeah. I'm putting the handle in your hair. Oh. What is it, Paul? Oh, fucking hell. It's a bucket for catching crabs. It's a crab bucket.

It's a crab bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, it's not full of crabs. No. Could be, though. Although it does say on the label, swimming bucket. It's not a swimming bucket. It's a crab bucket. It says crab bucket on it.

Explain to me what the fuck a swimming bucket is. It's a bucket that you take when you go swimming. Okay? Clear enough? You can't because... Splish. No, you don't swim with the bucket. Splish, splosh.

It's as... Splish, splosh. Swimming is a general activity, Paul. So it's down around my neck? No. As I swim? Stop trying to play devil's advocate. Well, I'm sorry, but it's a good point.

You can't swim and have a bucket. Okay, what if they called it swimming activity bucket? Would that sound better for you? What does that even mean? Swimming is an activity. Swimming playtime bucket. Does this work for you? Why don't you just call it beach bucket?

Beach bucket works better. But then they probably thought, well, you might not go to the beach to swim. You might just want to go to a fort. A fake beach or a lake. They have a lot of those in France, don't they? Yeah. Lakes that they man-made and they have a water slide or something. Yeah.

And they might have a beach there. But is it a beach? But they don't have any crabs there, though, do they? They might have freshwater crabs. I don't know enough about crabs to know if that's fake or not. Come on. I bet there are freshwater crabs. It's a transparent bucket with crabs in various poses.

Photographs of crabs. I like it. I guess you go out and you catch a crab. And you with crabs in various poses. Photographs of crabs. I like it. I guess you go out and you catch a crab. And you keep them in your bucket. And then you put it in a bucket. And eat it later. And then... You poo on the crabs.

Is that what you do, Paul? You poo on the... That's what you got. You knew before you got halfway through that. Yeah, that wasn't going to work. You don't poo on the crabs, Paul. The crab pooed on you got halfway through that. Yeah, that wasn't going to work. You don't poo on the crabs, Paul. The crab poo's on you. But listen, mate.

If you got a bunch of crabs in there, leave them for a few days, it would smell bad, wouldn't it? Yeah. It would smell like a crab bucket. Now, I'm thinking I might get some crabs. You know what? You should turn that into a thong and go out partying with it around your waist. That would be good, wouldn't it?

Come on, darling. Look at the crab. Put your hand in the crab bucket, darling. Oh! Now, Paul. Yeah? I quite like the design of this. It's fun, isn't it?

It's like Blackpool Beach. You go and grab a crab bucket. It's a fun crab bucket, and it's a mint on card. There is the card. Have you ever caught crabs? You can answer any way you want. I've never had the venereal disease of crabs, which are, in fact, little spiders.

Yes. Did you know that? Yeah. They're not crabs at all. No. But I've never had them. No. Because, as we know, my balls are so clean,

you can see them from outer space. That's not true. Yes, it is. It's not. Prove it wrong. Can you go to outer space and then say oh i'm looking at the world eli i'm looking at the right side of the world i can't see no balls yes you fucking can don't lie don't lie to me how dare you spaceman paul lie about the reality of my shining beacons of ball light emanating off the North American continent

like two beacons of hope if I was in America again I was just going to say this I've been told in the past that I interrupt you sometimes when you go off on a little riff and a little character and you shouldn't I should based on that what you just did ball light

ball beacons my ball beacons of cleanliness. Ball beacons and carrots. Ball beef. That's your third item. Ball beef and carrots. And it doesn't say who the manufacturers are. It doesn't fucking matter. But there's a goldfish there.

So on that swimming bucket label. You could put a crab and a goldfish in the bucket and have them fight to the death. Watch them fight. Yeah. It's dark. The fish would lose. It's like that cunt who posted that fucking picture of a cat being attacked

by a crab on YouTube or Twitter. Was the cat in trouble? It was some cunt, some CEO. What's his name? Randy Pitchford? Right.

Who gearboxed whatever the name of the company is. Anyway, he's a massive cunt and apparently he went, he put the video up on Twitter of this cat cruel video and then everyone was reacting

and he went, I just wanted to know what their reaction would be. Oh yeah, no. You just thought it was what their reaction would be oh yeah you just thought it was funny you thought it was funny and everyone thought you were a cunt

you were a sadist yeah and then and then and then he goes oh it was an experiment it was a social experiment

here's a social experiment stop being a bully here's a social experiment Randy Pitch yeah he's not a nice guy here's another one Randy stop lying

what's he famous for and it's all very complicated but Randy Pitchford's all like, it didn't happen. He doesn't speak from Yorkshire, by the way. Now, but Randy, if you're listening. I just had a thought.

If you're listening. Come on, mate. Come on, mate. Come on, man. Come on. Chill the F-O, man. Listen, no one wants to see fucking animals hurting each other, yeah? Okay.

Do you know what I'd like to see, Randy? You put in a room full of crabs. Giant ones. A giant room, a bottomless room of crabs that we drop you in in a room. Bottomless? Well, what does it go down to? The bottom. Well, it's not bottomless then, is it? It goes up to the other side. Is it an infinity deep well of crabs?

It's an infinity bucket of crabs. Imagine that. A room of infinity crab bucket? Yeah, it's a crab bucket that goes on for infinity Full of crabs Imagine you've got like Several thousand light years down And you think

This just goes on forever It's just still crabs It's just crabs Now I just had Crabs, crabs, crabs Crabs all the way down All the way down Crabs, crabs, crabs

I think there's some fat earthlings Wait, wait We'll just lower him in And then That's the noise of the crabs And they go And he gets pinched to death

he's just forever yeah pinched all the way down to infinity now is that is any

of that true is any sin that anyone commits or any crime that anyone commits worth eternal pain yeah

no it's not proportionate you can't say I want someone to suffer forever. I do. I've just had a thought. I actually had it a few minutes ago. Crab bucket could be a euphemism for a

lady's vagina. I knew you were going to say it. Oh, close your legs, darling. Your crab bucket's been out in the sun. That's why you will be forever. You left your crab bucket out in the sun, sweetheart. Let's all sit down and watch a telly

Sweetheart have you washed your crab bucket Rinse out the crab bucket Darling We're horrible people Do you know what I saw this and I thought That could be a euphemism for a vagina Therefore I will buy it I love it

I love that as a euphemism for a vagina, therefore I will buy it. I love it. I love it. I love that as a euphemism for a vagina. No, you don't. It's a horrible thing to call a lady's part. Your crab bucket's leaking. It's the voice you do as well. It's like, it just makes you look dirty as well.

Your crab bucket's got a crack in it. I think it's leaking old residue. Sweetheart, your fucking crab bucket needs a doctor, stat. Now, Paul, enough merriment. Okay? Yeah. You need to be playing the game.

It's the business end of the Price of Shite now, Paul. I'm going to rank them this way. You're up against the business. Here comes the business. I'm going to be quite reckless and maybe a bit clumsy, but I'm just going to say what I think the order is. Let me write this down. I'm writing it down so there can be

no argument about how much you score. Now, we have three positions. We have the cheapest position, which I call number one. The second position, which I call number two, which is the middle price. And then the most expensive, which I call number three. Right. Why isn't

the most expensive number one? It's just the way I'm doing it. All right. Okay. Seems a bit inconsistent. I don't need fucking notes and comments now, right? Whilst we're doing it, yeah? I do like your Tabasco t-shirt, by the way.

I've got a Tabasco t-shirt on. I do like that a lot. I'm slightly jealous that I don't have one. You can get one if you go to a Target. Well, they might not have it. But they're out in the States. They've got all sorts of... I'm going to the States in two days time.

You are. But again, I've been back for two weeks by the time this podcast comes out. So who gives a fuck? Now, maybe the plane blew up. This will have to be released

posthumously. You're going to have to edit these podcasts. I know you won't have to because the footage will die with me. Forget it. Jesus Christ. Okay.

Enough. Yeah. Doom. What do you think is the cheapest item Jesus Christ. Okay. Enough. Yeah, doom. What do you think is the cheapest item on our Price of Sight show today, Paul? I'm going to give you two. Okay. I'm going to give you what I think it is. No, no, no. You have to make a decision.

You're trying to score points. Pins are the cheapest. Pins are the cheapest. And how much do you think the vintage drawing pins were? If they were any more than a pound, I'd be disappointed. So I'm going to say 75p. 75p. Locking that in? I'm locking it in with the

monkey clapper. It's locked in. Good. Now, we need to know what you think is the second most expensive. Eli? Or second most cheap. It's the middle expensive. Eli, I believe... Or second most cheap. Noel, I believe the second cheapest is... What? I'm not Noel.

How dare you? You look like Noel. I don't look like Noel. You're offensive to my eyes and you've got a beard. Do you know what I noticed, Paul? You know that FlexiDisc book I've got? Yeah. And there's one Noel talks about Barclays and he's sitting at a dinner table. Yeah, it's a weird thing. And he's got that weird sort of cheeky grin on his face.

If you look down the table in that photograph, there's a guy who's copying the look. Is he? Yeah. He's copying Noel. I'll show you. It's weird. Show me later. But yeah, I'll take your word for it for now.

Okay. Now, stop trying to distract me with stories about Noel. He's a cheeky monkey. No, don't do the monkey. He's a creepy Noel? He's a cheeky monkey. No, don't do the monkey. He's a creepy chunky. He's a cheeky monkey. He's a cheeky monkey coming down the street. He's a cheeky monkey.

Look at his feet. Oh, he's a monkey. What does he do? He goes to the zoo and chucks a bit of poo at you. Oh, I'm the cheeky monkey from the jungle. I'm a cheeky monkey, my best friend Bungle. No, he's not Bungle.

It is. I want you to tell me which of my prices of items is the middle priced item. Cheeky monkey says... No, he doesn't say shit because he's not a real character. Paul.

The bucket. The crab bucket. I'm locking it in. I'm not amused by this monkey shenanigans. Just put it down. Finally, the bowl. No, I need a price for the crab bucket, please. £1.20.

£1.20 for the crab bucket. Yeah. Okay. Now, Paul, that means that you believe our most expensive item today on the Price of Strike is the Weetabix 70th anniversary. Do you know why I didn't ask? What didn't you ask? Where you got them from, because that might help.

You got it around the corner, didn't you? It's all around here. Yeah, it's all around here. Come around here. Come around here. It's all a bit of a stuff around here, don't you? All right. So then... Just come down here. I'll go around here. here. It's all stuff around here, don't you? All right. So then come down here.

I'll go round here. I mean, what the fuck else am I going to go? The bowl is two pounds or thereabouts. Okay. Probably 250. Now, right.

Let's go from cheapest to most expensive and we'll see how many points you've scored today, Paul. Okay. How exciting. Now, you said the cheapest item that I purchased today for the price of shite was the vintage drawing pins.

Yeah. Manufactured especially for Woolworths, the shop that doesn't even exist anymore. No, it exists online. With the lovely little bit of graphic design on it.

Yeah. The drawing pins, you said the most cheap item and reality says... Correct. Oh, you shit in the bed. that's a point that is one point you get one point for guessing the pins are the cheapest you were right means i've probably gashed the other two round now but anyway how do you know you gashed the other two around you don't know you want to change that no okay good all right so drawing pins you said 75p yep our survey said I just want to say

our survey said can I just say our survey said our survey says our survey said 50p they were oh so I get a point for that then

you get a point for that you're doing very well now not too bad but things could change you're doing very very well now alright good two points I know

right but still things can change now Paul things are going to change because that's it. That's it for you. Good times are over. Oh fuck. Revel in those points.

You said the second most expensive thing. It was going to be a switch. Middle priced item. You said the crab bucket. Yeah. No crab bucket was the

most expensive item. Oh. It was bought new as you could tell from the label. You should have been able to tell from the label. This wasn't a set. It doesn't feel new. It feels quite manky.

No, it doesn't. There's a stack of them. It has no crab in it. No, I don't think it's got crab in it. There's no whiff of crab in there. Hello, is there a whiff of crab in the bucket? It could also be a drum. What's Eli doing?

Oh, he's got his face deep in a crab bucket. Oh, God. Get my nozzle out of this crab bucket. Right. All right. So that was our most expensive item, Paul. But how much? You said £1.20.

Yeah. Reality was £2.49. That's disappointing. It was £2.49, Paul. Disappointing. It's a good quality bucket. I think you've downplayed the bucket. It's disappointing. It was £2.49, Paul. Disappointing. It's a good quality bucket. I think you've downplayed the bucket. It's just a bucket, though.

With some crab decals on it. Yeah, all right. I like the font of crab bucket. It's very bold. Crab bucket's very bold. It's like Beano. They're quite good photos of crabs as well. Yeah, that front crab looks pretty gauche.

And it's not like stuck on with a dirty sticker. I like the fact that all the crabs give a different kind of emotion, like excited crabs. He's like, hey! How you doing? Don't look at me, I said. He's a thinker. He's a thinker.

I contemplate shellfish. Hey. Very genial, isn't he? He's like, yeah, walking down the street. Got my crab claw out. Check out the big one on me. I got my crab claw out and I'm doing a win. We got the fourth crab and he basically just looks like he's like...

He's the same crab as that other crab, isn't he? He's like, come over here. Come over here. Come over here. Why don't you? I've got a secret to tell you. Okay, he's a good crab. What's the last crab saying?

His last crab is... He's a dancing crab. He's a dancing crab. He's a dancing crab. But you were way out, so no points there. Shame. You were not within the 25p limit. No. Which means, takes us to our Weetabix bowl,

which you thought was the most expensive item. No, Paul, it was the mid-range item. You said £2. Yeah. I think you were put off by your little web search there. You thought it was worth quite a lot I only paid a quid for it

there's one quid for that and it's yours so you're not going away empty handed no one's going away empty handed

today you've got that but I've still scored better than you have in the last two games you have but it's tough

this way you've doubled my points from the last two games it's tough this one though isn't it this version of the game

I like it it's got a lot of play in it it's got a lot of wiggle room in play it's got a lot of play in it. It's got a lot of wiggle room in play. It's got a lot of play in it. Well, you know what?

Well played, sir. Well played. Solid, good suggestions, nice variety, interesting collection of charity shop tat, and I've walked away with a Weetabix bowl. And that's right. The price is shite, everybody. And that's right.

So, to finish Cheap Show today, we go to Paul's Page Turners, where I find a book that I have found in a charity shop or maybe a bookstore of some kind that sells quality books. It's just a voice you're going to start the segment with and then drop immediately. Yeah. So just drop it now.

All right. Thanks. So we covered this book a few episodes ago, but there was so much in it that I kind of wanted to dig back into it. It's London's Strangest Tales by Tom Quinn. Extraordinary but true stories from a thousand years of London history. I know some people listening outside of London

may go, I don't give a fuck about Liverpool. Liverpool's got some interesting stuff as well. All the caverns built under Liverpool, these tunnels that were built. And I can't remember all the details right now, but effectively a very, very rich man paid a lot of very very

poor people to just dig oh didn't we cover that on the show before I think maybe briefly the guy who got a lot of people to dig yeah he was a miser as well

wasn't he no I think this guy was quite altruistic and that's why he was paying people to dig because there was no jobs it was like ah fucking dig

and like apparently some of the caverns are as big as cathedral spaces and some are very, very narrow. People found these now. Yeah, there's litter all over Liverpool. It's crazy, isn't it? Yeah, it's crazy stuff.

Now, London is also a city with a lot of underground stuff to it. London is a very interesting place. It's got underground rivers. It's just such an old place. Old tunnels, old bunkers. Warren Street, famous on the Tube, at the top of Tottenham Court Road. It's called Warren Street because it's a warren.

Literally underneath, there's all sorts of tunnels going miles down. But where did they come from, those tunnels? They're built by people over the years. Oh, so there's just

an adjacent selection of warren tunnels. There's just loads of tunnels down there. Are they sealed up? You've got the tube, obviously. Yeah, lots of them are sealed up. These aren't related to the tube at all. No.

Someone just went, I'm going to build a fucking tunnel. The whole of London is honeycombed underneath with all sorts of underground spaces. It's interesting that, isn't it? Yeah. Because remember when they moved a lot of bodies out of London

because there's too many bodies buried so they had to move them out of London to build houses. No, I mean, there were plague pits as well which they were always pulling things up but apparently they moved the whole graveyard just so they could build something in. Well, they did. They had Crossrail being built, I mean, there were plague pits as well, which they're always pulling things up. But apparently they moved the whole graveyard just so they could build something in. Well, they did.

They've had Crossrail being built, of course, in recent years, Paul. And they keep having to get the archaeologists in to... Is that what they called you? Yeah. Archaeologists in to check out some bones or some old shields. And that pisses them off

because it's like, oh, we've got to meet the schedule and get it all done by 2020. It's like, yes, but there's a bone here of a man who might have died of something a long time ago. Don't you think archaeology is important? I do very much believe

archaeology is a very important thing. Just saying. You'd rather have a train. You'd rather get on a train. Woo-woo! Chug, chug, chug. No, I'm just saying it's part of the problem, isn't it?

You're digging through an ancient city and you're going to come across stuff that will need... I mean, not even just in terms of looking after and preserving history it's like there are plague pits you don't know what might come out of it so you got to treat it carefully yes it's the way of the world now you've got a little story for us about london then paul there's loads of stories i mean like there's tons of stuff we could go into there's so many small why don't we read a couple? You read one and then I'll read one. Alright.

What kind of story would you like? I want the one about selling dog shit. Oh, how to make a living selling dog poo. Yeah. Page 99.

How to make a living selling dog poo. Thank you very much, Tom Quinn. You can buy this book, I'm sure, online still. I saw it in a charity shop. London's strangest tales. I'm writing a book.

I know, Paul. You're doing everything, aren't you? What am I doing? Nothing, because you're fucking bone idle it took you 10 years to make Clankerman it didn't take me 10 years

you said about 10 years it took me 4 years but you came up with it 10 years ago no I didn't you told me 10 years well I was exaggerating cunt

don't use my words against me what your facts don't make facts wrong then well you're going to America Ghostbusters writing writing a book.

I'm going to write a book based on my solo show about ghost hunting. I've got to raise money for it so I'll be begging for cash. Of me? Not from you. Never from you.

Fucking hope not. From you. Fucking hope not. Because I would not be backing that book. Right, great. I've seen the show, haven't I?

What am I going to learn from that book? There's more. I'm bored. Oh, bored. I? What am I going to learn from that book? There's more. I go into more detail. Oh, he said he's got mental health issues and ghosts helped him. Fuck that. That is not the plot. That is.

Let me give you a little fucking summary. Oh, I'm depressed. Oh, I've gone on a ghost hunt. Oh, I feel like I belong. I'm less depressed. I'm poor. Fuck off. Fucking.

Fuck you. Victim-blaming scumbag. I'm less depressed. I'm Paul. Fuck off. Fucking. Fuck you. Victim blaming scumbag. I'm not victim blaming. That's the third time over four episodes you've done that now. I'm not. Two episodes. Two episodes. Right, yeah, but I'm not victim blamed. Who's victim here? Me. Shut up moaning.

Maybe produce some more stuff and then I can take the piss out of you then. But until then, I'll just take the piss out of that. I've been in a film this year yeah well there you go yeah have you

no no exactly wasn't allowed to be in it read the story how to make a living selling dog poo poverty in early centuries

pushed tens of thousands of Londoners into a very peculiar occupation okay occupation I'm liking it so far particularly by peculiar at least fucking hell Okay. Occupation. I'm liking it so far, Paul.

Particularly by... Peculiar, at least. Fucking hell. Start again! Poverty in early centuries pushed tens of thousands of Londoners into very peculiar occupations. Peculiar, at least, by modern standards. There was a huge market for live birds. Donald did an episode about that once. Live birds.

Well, people were killing birds to put into hats. Yeah, but why would there be a market for live ones? P did an episode about that once. Live birds. Well, people were killing birds to put into hats because birds and hats. Yeah, but why would there be a market for live ones? Pigeons and stuff. Hang on.

And this market was met by hundreds of live bird sellers who might walk 20 miles outside of London to catch a dozen or so birds before walking 20 miles back to sell

them. They then repeat this journey three or four times a week. So I guess people just wanted to buy birds. I love a pigeon. There's a fucking load.

Well, then I want a woodcock. Yeah, why would you just buy a bird? As a pet? Or put it in a pie? It doesn't say the year. It doesn't say the year. So maybe owning a pet bird was quite exciting. Do you know what, Paul?

I'd like a pet bird. What bird did you get? I'd like someone that talks and is... Have a wank! I wouldn't teach you to say that. Do you want a curry? Oh, in that case, it would just be like,

Ow! Fuck my life, squawk! Ow! I don't say fuck my life. Ow! Your shit version. Your parrot would sigh a lot. Ow!

It might. It might. Yeah. Ow! Ow! Oh. Go on, then. Oh, right, here we go

Or take the mudlarks Who scoured the river foreshore at low tide They're birds as well No, these are the name of the people This is confusing, are they selling mudlarks or what? No, they were called mudlarks Oh, so I'm confused Explain it to me

I'm trying to but you keep fucking interrupting Or take the mudlocks who scout the river foreshore at low tide. They went barefoot, whatever the weather, searching for... Well, they're birds. Of course they go barefoot. They haven't got shoes. Birds don't have shoes. Some. Owls have shoes.

No, they don't. They do. They wear winkle pickers. Do they? Yeah, they wear big, long shoes. Big, long toes. Owls? Yeah, they wear big, long shoes. Big, long toes. Owls? Yeah, and they clatter in the tree. They went barefoot, whatever the weather, searching for copper nails from the ships

or for old bottles. Anything, in fact, they think they might sell. So these people would just go down to the shoreline and pick up anything that washed up. Yeah, and just pick up anything that washed up and then clean it and sell it. And they're still known as mudlarks to this day, but they do it more as a hobby, I'd say.

I guess so, yes. They're actually making a living in it. Must be hard to make a living at that these days. Now, there's another group of people. The Toshers. Oh, yeah. T-O-S-H-E-R. Toshers. What do you think they did? Come on, Eli. What do you think Toshers did? I think maybe they were hired

hoods who would go and maybe intimidate people for you and extort money. No, they were men who risked their lives searching for valuables in London's vast, unmapped warren of sewers. Wow. So they would go down into the shithole sewers below London and with a net, scoop out treasures. Stuff that had fallen in. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I've dropped my ring in the toilet.

Don't worry, love. I'm a tosher. Can you go fetch me my ring? I don't think that's what they mean. I think that you just go down and once you've found it, because, you know, no one's going to. Well, toshers tend to be from the same few families, and they handed down their knowledge of the sewer network

from generation to generation. That's great, isn't it? Yeah, you want to go around Oldbourne. Go left at Oldbourne. Go left at Oldbourne. Or all the way left at Oldbourne. Or else you're up a shit pipe. You're literally up a shit pipe. You're literally head deep in a shit pipe.

But you'll find some lovely bottles in it. There's lovely bottles, but make sure you don't drink from the bottles. No, don't. Also, you go down Oldbourne, people tossing coins, don't they? They're tossing coins. They're always tossing coins down.

You can find a father. I'm a tosher and I get tossed coins. You get, you know. Why have you got the voice that Paul Whitehouse did in... Man and Boy. Fucking... But even generations of experience didn't always protect them and many died when sudden rainfall flooded the system

or the lamps and candles they carried. Can you imagine how horrific that would be as a way to die? Yeah. That would be pretty bad. They were overcome by the gas down there. Yeah. Imagine that, mate. Where's daddy?

Oh, well, the last I saw him, he was throat deep in shit, gargling his last, going, I found a penny! It'd be terrible. Imagine, that gives me my claustrophobia. You're down in a sewer, and you hear, yeah, it rises. Oh, God. The effluent. Yeah.

The shit. The piss. And you're just drowning in a shit pipe. But effluent. Yeah. The shit. The piss. And you're just drowning in a shit pipe. But food waste. Underground. Gargling hot raw sewage as you blink out of existence. It's not probably hot. I meant hot as in exciting.

Or perhaps the strangest job of all was that of the pure finder. Pure finder. A job that existed. Is that one word or two words? It's two words. Pure finder. Pure finder? A job that existed. Is that one word or two words? It's two words. Pure finder. Yeah. They existed in Victorian London.

A pure finder was someone who spent his days searching for dog feces to sell to leather tanners, particularly to those tanners engaged in producing leather for the bookmaking trade. Which he bound a book in leather. So to make leather a little bit more dark, he'd smear doggy dirt into it. Is it really to make it the colour?

Yeah, it's tanning it, isn't it? It's part of the tanning process. In the same way you know tweed, they used to use urine. But doesn't it wash off? But doesn't the fucking... Well I'm sure you don't buy a book that smells of dog shit. Well, how do they get the smell? Unless it's a book by Geoffrey Archer. Geoffrey Archer.

No. Those books smell of shit. Yeah, because they're shit books. Or the Stephanie Myers. Ohcher No Those books smell of shit Yeah Because they're shit books Or the Stephanie Myers Oh poo They smell of shit Yeah she wrote Twilight Oh yeah they're bad

Or who Who's that prick Who wrote Fifteen Shades of Grey Doctorow Or the Da Vinci Code El Doctorow Wasn't she called something like that

El Doctorow No The Spanish Doctor Who I think it could be El Doctoro, not the Spanish Doctor Who. I think it could be, couldn't it? Maybe. El Doctoro. That's funny, man. Paul said something funny.

I only took two and a half hours. You've just got to give me time. You've just got to give me time. Okay. So, Henry Mayhew's extraordinary book called London Labour and London Poor charts the lives of a number of pure finders. Mayhew explains that in the 1830s and 1840s, only women seemed to have been involved in the trade,

and they were known as bunters. By the 1850s, when Mayhew carried out his research, men, women, and children were all working as pure finders. When you grow up, you can be just like me, picking up dog shit from my park and giving it to people who make books. I'm losing energy here, Paul. By the 1850s, when Mayhew carried out his research, men, women, and blah, blah, blah,

pure finders sold the dog eggs that they collected for roughly 10... Does it say dog eggs in there? I've heard that bit. For roughly 10 old pence a bucketful. You could use a crab bucket. Crab bucket, yeah. Dog dirt bucket.

Or you could just cross out the word crab and put... Dog egg. Yeah. Sounds romantic. You could use a crab bucket. Crab bucket, yeah. Dog dirt bucket. Or you could just cross out the word crab and put... Dog egg. Yeah. Sounds romantic. You could have... Come on, get your dog eggs. Dog eggs. No.

Ten pence bucky. Dog eggs. Dog eggs. You wouldn't do... You wouldn't sell them on the street. Get your dog eggs. No one would buy a dog egg apart from a tanner. A bookbinding tanner.

Yeah, anyway, the tanners, mostly based in Bermondsey, where 30 tanners were recorded in the 1860s. Tanneries, sorry. Tanneries. Yeah. So obviously you work near where you sell your trade. What are you talking about? All the tanners work in that area, Bermondsey.

Why? Is there a lot of dogs? Where are all the dogs at? There must be a dog park where they walk dogs and there's loads of eggs. There's no dog parks back then. I mean, you go, got an eye on that dog. He's got a runny tummy. I wonder where they found all the dog poo because I'm sure... Streets.

Yeah, but not a lot of people had dogs back then, did they? No, they didn't. I'd say probably... I wonder if probably there would have been. Sykes had a dog in Oliver Twist. People would have working dogs, wouldn't they? More than live pet dogs. I think there was probably a lot of stray dogs in London. Probably. Sykes had a dog in Oliver Twist people would have working dogs wouldn't they more than like a pet dog

I think there was probably a lot of stray dogs in London probably not a lot of people cleaned up the shit back then no they didn't

so there's probably quite a lot of white dog eggs yeah there was probably shit loads of white but once they've gone

white they can't tan don't know maybe for a posh book I'm sure did it say to colour leather that's not tanning leather it's just what it says

it's treating leather, isn't it? It just says for helping treat leather. Yeah, you treat it. It's not for the colour. I don't know. It might be. It's not for the colour. Leather's brown already.

He's been eating a lot of fucking pedigree chum. I want a darker hue. It's some kind of chemical thing that it does. That something in the poo does. Maybe. It's not that it colours it. Because then it will just wash off. The colour will just wash off the leather. It's not to make the leather does. It's not that it colours it because then it will just wash off. The colour will just wash off the leather.

It's not to make the leather brown. Leather is brown already, Paul. I don't know. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. Anyway, they preferred the dry sort of faeces as it contained more alkaline

and it was the alkaline that worked its magic on the leather. Thank you very much. Fact. Slam down. Curiously, Mayhew and others recorded that many of the Can you just say you were wrong?

You said you thought. I didn't say it was wrong, I just said no. You thought. I said I didn't. No, you said you were quite confident you would like use the brown poo to make the leather brown. Wrong, wrong and thrice wrong. Curiously, Mayhew and others recorded that many of the Pure Finders

were well-educated men and women who'd fallen on hard times. Talk about falling on hard times. Oh, I'm a lawyer. Now I sell dog shit. His description of the trade is hugely evocative. The Pure Finder is often found in open streets, as dogs wander where they like. Right, so stray dogs.

Yeah. The Pure Finders always carry a handle basket, generally with a cover. I'd hope he has a fucking cover. Yeah, to hide the contents and have their right hand covered with a black leather glove. Many of them, however, dispense with the glove as they say it's much easier to wash their hands

than to keep the glove fit for use. It's probably true, isn't it? Yeah. Why have a glove that you have to treat simply when you can just... Wash your hands. Lick your hands clean. No, you wouldn't do that. No, why?

I thought we killed off that character. No, it's a different dirty character. It's not a different. It's the same. Who cleans himself like a cat? Mate, it's Uncle Grumbly by a different name. No, the voice is different. Let's hear the voice then.

That's not a voice. That's a weird noise. Hang on, I'm getting it. You can't fucking talk. I can talk. Oh, hello.. That's not a voice. That's a weird noise. I'm getting it. You can't fucking talk. I can talk. Oh, hello. Right, here's his voice. I'll do this character.

All right. And it will be played by Grumpy Sessions. Oh, hello. I'm Grumpy Sessions. Now, what do you want me to... That's not the voice for Grumpy Sessions. It is. This is Grumpy Sessions.

Now, Paul, sorry, sorry, just a second before I start with the Licky character. Yeah. Oh, what was he like? He sounds more like Prince Charles right now. No, that's what Grumpy Sessions sounds like. Now?

Yes. He's developed over the years. I tell you what, my mother, she used to have lots of voices. When she was angry with me, she'd say, Oh, Grumpy, I'm angry.

And then when she was happy, she'd be more like, Oh, Grumpy, I'm happy. And then when she was powdering her downstairs area... Her crab bucket. And then when she was powdering her downstairs area... Her crab bucket. She'd powder it. She'd pack it almost like a... Pack it up tight, the powder up there.

Almost like a... Like a poultice. Right, okay, well... I could cut this out, but I'm going to leave it in as a lesson. A lesson to me for Lange to go on. So, I'm Grumpy Sessions and I'll do the Licky Carradine now. Okay, go on, do it. Oh, I've lost me glove.

He's going. Oh, he's going. Look at him. Look at him, he's wobbling. He can't keep his own amusement to himself, can he? Look at him. Look at him, he's going. He's so impressed with himself

stop trying to put me off here we go no no I'm not I'm getting carried again oh I'm very poor but I used to be so posh I used to be a lawyer

but now I'm on hard times here I am in the street looking at stray dogs's arses, hoping that something pops out. Oh, there's something. It's a fresh dog turd. I'll get over there. Oh, where's me glove? Oh, me glove's full of shit, and I've

just remembered it's in the sink at home, soaking. Oh, I'll just use me hand. Oh, there it is. In the bucket. In the bucket. Come on! You're nearly there at the end. Ooh, ooh, there's a piece of poo on me hand. Ooh, I'll give it a good old licking.

Grampy Sessions available for bar mitzvahs. Well, thank you for coming in. You're not quite right for the role. We're trying to find a new angle A youthful angle I can do that I can My mother Always used to say Close the beef curtain

Well we're trying to Rebrand Pure Finders For a new generation We don't quite think You fit in So thank you for coming in Thank you for coming in Sorry it's been

A waste of time It's been very enlightening For us Okay I'll go Go home Look at my mother's old crab bucket right come on here we go right so women generally have a large pocket for the reception oh yeah oh yeah a large pocket you know what i recently women women generally have a large pocket? You know what? I recently... Women generally have a large pocket. I recently sent an email to the dollop guys to say, hey, you're coming to the UK.

Can we be your guests? Because it's never going to happen. Right. But if they're listening to this episode, we can fucking forget about even being considered as a backup, backup, backup. Why, Paul? I read out women generally had a large pocket. And what did you do? Oh, back up, back up. Why, Paul? I read out, women genuinely had a large pocket. And what did you do?

Oh, yeah. There we go. That's it. You've ruined us. All right, just keep going. You've ruined our opportunity. Keep going. That and the fact we're shit.

Right. Okay. They had a big pocket for reception of such rags as they had their chance to fall in with. But they pick up those of the very best quality and will go out of their way to even search for them. So what they're saying is women made more of an effort and they had rags in their pocket to clean their hands. They had a sort of more of a professional approach. Thus equipped, they may be seen pursuing their avocation

in almost every street in and about London, excepting such streets as now... Can you ask him to turn that down a little bit? Yeah. I just find it funny, mate. I'm reaching that point, Paul.

Yeah? You're losing it. Nearly there, mate. We're nearly at the end of the show. Come on. So, thus equipped they may be, they're seen pursuing the air... Oh, fucking hell.

This is such... This is written in such... In the... Highfalutin language. I'm not a more common... I don't know how to read. Fancy do I. Read it fancy.

All right, then. Thus equipped they may be, seen pursuing the avocation in almost every street in and about London, accepting such streets as are now cleaned by the street orderlies,

or whom the pure finders grievously complain as being unwarranted interferences with the privileges of their class. What they're saying is, you shouldn't be cleaning the streets of dog shit, it's my living you're costing. So basically you're saying that these posh people who've fallen on hard times are taking over the business, or the women are taking over the business.

No, the people who are pure finders are complaining about the fact that we now have street cleaners picking up dog shit. And it's like, yeah, but that's my livelihood. You're literally taking the cash out of my hand. Yeah. Yeah.

The pure collected is used by leather dressers and tanners and more especially by those engaged in the manufacture of Moroccan and kid leather from the skins of old and young goats of which skins great number are imported, and the roans and lambskins of which the sham Moroccan kids of the slop leather trade

are now used by the better class of shoemaker, bookbinder, and glover for the inferior requirements of their business. So they're buying cheaper stuff, but they're still selling it as a premium commodity. Pure is also used by tanners. So pure was the word for dog shit? I guess so.

It's strange. It's calling it pure. P-U-R-E. Yeah, P-U-R-E. As is pigeon's dung for the tanning of the thinner kinds of leather, such as calf skins, for which purpose it is placed in pits with an admixture of lime and bark. Okay.

Now, if you're going to go for pigeon shit, it'd be harder to collect, wouldn't you? You'd need something kind of squeegee. What you'd have to do is... You'd need a scraper. You'd need maybe a pipette to take it from branches. Paul, you said pipette and then you thought, what's a pipette? I know what a pipette is. No, you didn't.

It's a little squeezy part thing with a tube. When you said pipette, you were just thinking, you were clutching for a word. No, I knew pipette. I you didn't It's a little squeezy Pat thing with a tube When you said pipette You were just thinking You were clutching for a word No I knew pipette I saw your whole voice Your whole thing I was Pipette

Pipette Pipette You I was good You did well Because you thought How can I make pipette work As a poo collector

It did work It did It does It does work I couldn't do turkey baster Pipette A turkey baster. Pipette? A turkey baster, if you think about it, is basically just an oversized pipette.

Isn't it? Yeah. It's a party pipette. Right. Last little bit. In the manufacture of Morocco's and Rome's, the pure is rubbed by the hand of the workman into the skin he is dressing.

So he gets right in there. Yeah, rubbing the... That must not be a pleasant thing to do. No. Not on a daily basis dad's coming home yeah he smells of shit literally dog shit hey kids have come home from a long day no no no dad you stink of shit this is done to purify the leather i was told by an intelligent leather dresser and from that, the word pure was originated. Oh, it purifies the leather?

Yeah. Okay, so it kills off all the sort of... The dung has astringent as well as highly alkaline, or to use the expression of my informant, scouring qualities. When the pure has been rubbed into the flesh and grain of the skin, the flesh being originally the interior, and the grain the exterior part of the cuticle. Ah. What? What? gives a disagreeable smell to the leather. No shit. And the leather buyer often uses both nose and tongue in making their purchases.

What? So you come in, you look at the leather, and you think, oh, no, that leather's too shitty. It's got too shitty. It's too shitty, your leather. Oh, no, I'm going to die. I can't use this book. It smells of shit, mate.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't want your books or your gloves or your jacket smelling of shit, would you? So do you want to read one more story before we go? Yeah. I'll read one, Paul. Have a quick look through the content

and pick a title out. I'll see one that... Right, I found one there, Paul. All right, go for it. Okay. Now, I'm not going to read out the title. All right.

Because it's going to eat me dip-dab. Are you going to eat your dip-dab while I'm trying to fucking do stuff here? You ready? It's a short one.

Good. We tend to think of the modern world as a place where anything goes, Paul. In olden days, a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking. But heaven knows, anything goes. We take a very... Good authors, you who want new, better words, now only use four-letter words. Writing prose, anything goes. Thank you.

The good has gone good today, and good's bad today, and black's white today, and that's that today, and this writing, prose. Anything goes. Thank you. The good has gone good today and good's bad today and black's white today and that's that today and this is this today and come round here today and that's how it goes. So though I'm not a great romancer,

I knew that I'm bound to chance when I propose anything. Anything. Goes. Paul is a prick Yo I'm starting again One sentence in

I'm starting again, Paul 1450, that's the year, isn't it? Not this year, no No, that's the year I didn't realise each of these chapters has a year A year, yeah What was the year on the last one? I think it was 80.

I think it was generally 19th century. It was 19th century. Now, this is a lot earlier, 1450. We tend to think of the modern world as a place where anything goes. Here for a day. It's good to stop, you know. Please, please. All right.

I'll enjoy my dip-dap. We take a very liberal view of swearing and sexual morality, and we imagine that all other ages before ours were characterised by strict, prudish morality. A morality typified by the Victorians who were popularly... Popularly. Popularly. By the Victorians who were popularly... Shut up.

It's hard though, isn't it? Popularly. How do you say... Popularly. Popularly. Yeah, that, isn't it? Popularly. How do you say it? Popularly. Popularly. Yeah, that's it. Popularly. Popularly.

You know when you say words sometimes and it just happens? It's totally happened. Go on. I'll just try it. I'll have a little run up. That is quite popular. We tend to think of the modern world as a place where anything goes. Hold it down.

We take a very liberal view of swearing and sexual morality and we imagine that all other ages before ours were characterised by strict, prudish morality. A morality typified

by the Victorians who are popularly who are popularly no, who are popularly supposed to have. No, who are popularly supposed to have covered the legs of their tables as the very idea of any sort of leg on display was shocking to them. The Victorians may well have been excessively prudish.

Possibly. Worthy and hypocritical. But it is completely wrong to imagine that all other earlier epochs were similar. It's always been the way, though, hasn't it? There's been a kind of moral code that supposedly typifies a generation. But there are always subversive

parts of that. For example... What are you trying to say? For example, I can't remember the year, 1600 or whatever, big, big, big religious movements and then the whole Hellfire Caves thing where... The Reformation you're talking about. Is it that? When the king came back from the continent and it was all like religion's great let's all do religion again

yeah because you had cromwell and the roundheads yeah cromwell who who said ban christmas because he was a puritan yeah he banned christmas and then the king came back and he said it's party time yeah let's get crazy with the god shit so what point you're trying god's back in the house and the God shit. Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. So what point are you trying to... Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. God's back in the house. Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Don't do the wob, wobs. Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob.

Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Do you know what, Paul? You love your little fucking EDM stroke dubstep noise off, don't you? But the music's moved on. The music has moved way on. It doesn't do that over. Now...

But my point is, the Hellfire Caves were built as a reaction to that. It was a place for over. Now. But my point is the Hellfire Caves were built as a reaction to that. It was a place for people to be absolutely debauched. Right. You know? Popularly. Popularly. The Victorians may well have been excessively prudish, worthy and hypocritical but it is completely wrong to imagine that all other earlier epochs were similar.

Yep. There have been many periods in the past that have taken a far more liberal view of life in general than the modern age. During Charles II's reign, for example, Nell Gwynne, heard of her before, 1651... She was married to him, wasn't she? I'll start again. All right. During Charles II's reign, for example, Nell Gwynne, who lived from 1651 to 1687,

was adored by Londoners who loathed the king's French wife. Oh. And this despite the fact that Nell was always referred to as the king's whore. So who was Nell Gwynn then? Nell was the king's whore. Yeah, but who was Nell Gwynn? I'm just a bit fuzzy on history.

I just want to know... I just said the sentence explained it before. She was in a prostitute An orange She was an orange seller Wasn't she Nell Gwynne was a prolific Seventy figure

Of the restoration period Praised by Samuel Pepys For her comic performances As being one of the first Actors on the English stage She became known For being a long time Mistress of Charles II

Thank you Got it Okay I just didn't know I was fuzzy on my history And I needed clarification Alright It's important that I learn.

It's important that our listeners learn. It's important that we all learn for the context of the rest of this story. Continue. Anyway, she was adored by Londoners who loathed the king's French wife. So this is what we were talking about. He came back from the Reformation. He came back from... Well, he was French as well.

And people complained about Brexit. No, your fucking history before you go, Britain's this, Britain's that. The French fucking... No, it's just stupid. Just this whole sort of golden age of Britain. Britain has always been a mongrel country. Always. It always has.

In the Empire, we were fucking cunts to everyone and slaughtered them and shipped human slaves across the country. We want to go back to that, do we? Some people would. Yeah. Let's go back to having a fucking leader who's from France. You were like the good old days.

Let's go all the way back to that. No, bloody hell. Do you want a French Prime Minister? Do you? Or do you want a French King? Do you? I'd have a French King, please. It'd be quite fun, wouldn't it?

That'd be four pound fifty, sir. What are you talking about? A French King. It's a sex act. Is it? Yeah sex act is it yeah what is it it's what I do

to your crown right um have you all me dip dab just put the dip dab down it's distracting me

put the dip dab down it's nice though but she was loved the point he's making is even though she was known as the king's whore

yeah she was loved. So there wasn't a sort of snootiness towards being a whore. It's very similar to Prince Charles. When he was married to Diana, no one liked Diana. They always preferred Camilla, and they referred to her as the Prince's whore. Did they? No, I don't fuck. No, everyone loves Diana.

Paul, you need to sort it out. You're really riffing on a like a shit level you've gone mad you're looking into the middle distance just can we get past this fucking paragraph yeah can we whore in the 17th century seems to have lacked at least some of the harsher overtones that it now has so it was a friendlier term it just wasn't looked at or bless her that little law yeah yeah until tomorrow the littlest whore have on and settle down maybe it's something you'd say uh strumpet now yeah strumpet sex worker is the actual thing these days i say a bit sex worker positive on this show so i like to represent. How positive? Positive to the extent that you go get some for me.

Because I'm lonely. I personally wouldn't pay for sex. Could you pay for me to have sex? On Patreon. We're raising money for Eli to get his bell sucked. Don't start. No, it'll be a Kickstarter. Charles II himself cared little for...

Cockstarter. The porn Kickstarter site for people who want to get laid. Oh, I want to get laid. I can't afford a prostitute. I'm going to start a cockstarter. A little video. I want to have sex with a lady. Fanny batter.

A crab bucket. Charles II himself cared little for traditional morality. He allowed plays to be written and performed that made the pursuit of pleasure, particularly sexual pleasure, the centre and mainspring of life. This is a part of the Reformation. This is why it changed society. Is this where the restoration plays started coming in?

That's right. Yeah. Yes. See, we're not that unintelligent, Chief. We're not. We just act it. Puritan London was scandalised, but there was little the religious could do, as the plays had the king's sanction. Oh, so fair enough.

So it wasn't that... In medieval London, too, sex was far more acceptable in a public context than it is now. You're going to say public space, then. Anyone who looks at a map of London produced before 1450 will see several street names that are so extraordinary by our standards that they simply would not be allowed

today. It's the good shit, come on. Addle Street appears on earlier maps for example. Addle? Yeah. Addle, okay. Addle Street, I don't know where that is, appears on these earlier maps, for example, and to a medieval Londoner, Addle Street means filthy spot.

Oh! So I could describe this room as Addle'd. Addle Room. Yeah, the Eli's... The House of Addle. Eli's Addle'd Room. Oh, it sounds like a mystery. Or take Fetter Lane, which still exists. Yeah.

In 1450, it meant the Street of the Dirty Beggars. Aww! Other names were dropped after the Reformation as the influence of killjoy protestants came to dominate public life oh public holidays on saints days were largely abandoned and many london street names were changed shite burn lane near cannon street so named because of the number of cesspits to be found there it's not like just because people had a lot of diarrhoea after eating a hot meal. Was changed to the far more genteel sounding

Sherbourne Lane. So if you live on Sherbourne Lane and you're listening to this podcast. It's called Shithowl. Shit Lane. Shit Street. Shit Lane. Shit Road. Shit Street. It retains Sherbourne Lane to this day. But the most extraordinary street of all that vanished with the arrival of the Reformation and the serious sensibility that seems

to have accompanied it, was a small lane that ran north from Cheapside. Where's Cheapside? That rings a bell. It's the east end. Okay, yeah, yeah. No, Cheapside is a road that goes out of the City of London. Like Fleet Street?

Yes. That whole area? Yeah. No, no, the City of London. Cheapside is like the east side of the City of London. Oh, okay, okay. So it's near City of London, before the East End. Okay. Around there.

All right. A small lane that ran north from Cheapside. It was called Grope Cunt Lane. Yeah? For the simple reason that it was a famous haunt of prostitutes. Wow. Say what you see, ladies and gentlemen. Grope Cunt Lane.

It's magic just walking down the street. We've got to name all these streets for the ordinance we've got to get it all writing down so the other smith lane we'll name that

after John Smith who built that thing right we've got pennywinkle lane because you should sell winkles down here for a penny what should we

call this street what's down there mate oh a bunch of prostitutes right and what's going on well there's some

guys paying to grope their cunts right we'll call this crab bucket avenue now Paul yeah it's uh i love that book it's fascinating to me it's fascinating to me uh that that's the case isn't it it's strange um they also lots of places in london that aren't called what's um what people think they're called petticoicoat Lane, for example, hasn't been called Petticoat Lane since 1750.

So what is it actually called? It's Wentworth Street. So why do people call it Petticoat? Because it was where the clothing trade was. Oh, before it moved to Savile Row. Or whatever. I know. They still have a market down there where they sell clothes.

It's weird. So it's more like a nickname, a familiar nickname. Yeah, but it used to officially be called that. And also, Bond Street. Could you go to Bond Street now, Paul? Where? There's no Bond Street. There is literally no Bond Street?

There is no Bond Street. Where was Bond Street? Round there. Come round here. You've got Bond Street tube station, but then you've got New Bond Street or Old Bond Street. Yeah, New Bond Street's the posh bit with all the posh shops, isn't it? Well, they're next to each other, but they're two separate roads.

And neither of them are called Bond Street. One's called Old Bond Street and one's called New Bond Street. Oh, that's very strange. Isn't that strange? And there's a whole book, isn't there? I can't remember who wrote it, but it's about missing London, about all the streets that don't exist anymore and the maps that have changed and the whole area.

And it also... So you've got Petticoat Lane, Bond Street, and also, if you think about it, London itself. There is no place called London. What respect? You've got Greater London. Right. And you've got Petticoat Lane, Bond Street, and also, if you think about it, London itself. There is no place called London. In what respect? You've got Greater London. Right. And you've got the City of London.

Okay. What does London mean, then? Where's London? It's the City of London. No, but that's the City of London. That's like saying it's the Man of Eli. It's just the City of London. Yeah, but you wouldn't say, I'm going to the City.

You wouldn't say... I'm going to London. Well, you wouldn't mean the City, would you? I mean the whole lot of London. Yeah. But there's no actual official place that has that name. So there's City in London and Greater London. They both make up London.

Yeah. So there's London then. It's just this split up... Central London, yeah. Yeah. No, but there's no actual place with the name London. That's the point I'm trying to make. We should get them to rename a street called Cheap Show Street.

Cheap Side could be near Cheap Side. Yeah, we could be called Cheap street called Cheap Show Street. Cheapside could be near Cheapside. Yeah, we could be called Cheapside Cheap Show Street. We should go to Cheapside and just do a bit there.

Why don't you take a picture and go? Yeah. Cheap's in the word. Right, is that the end of the show now? Yeah.

Coming up on future episodes of Cheap Show, more Sauce Report. No. Yes. The Sauce Report has been retired

because it... No, it fucking hasn't. We've had to abandon that spot because... Eli's Urban Noodle Country Kitchen. Because of its ties to Big Name Brand. It's ruined the integrity of this show. No, it hasn't. So we're dropping it. No, we're not.

So there's no more scandal. Alright. We'll drop the source report then, Paul. Yeah, we are. We're dropping it. We have to for legal reasons. The source report is dropped but look forward, ladies and gentlemen, to a new segment. Brand new segment of the show. Condiment Corner. Source.

Report. No, it can't be called that. I literally just gave you Condiment Corner. That's bullshit. What is it? You fucking keep your Condiment Corner. This week, Paul Gannon's going to do Condiment Corner. I'm going to talk about this one this week.

This is my report on McDonald's barbecue sauce. 25 milliliters, best before. I can recommend this barbecue sauce. It's very good. Careful with that. It's a classic barbecue sauce. You'll like it. Not too sweet.

A bit smoky. I give that four out of five. That's Paul's Condiment Corner done for another week. Doop-doop-doop-doop-doop. Look forward to Eli Silverman's. No more. There's no more. Look forward to Eli Silverman's.

No. Sauce and syruprup Dossier That's it for another Cheap Show Thank you for joining us Let's just get all the admin out of the way as quick as we can I'll get some admin out of the way Thwoppo Patreon.com forward slash cheap show

if you'd like to support us at any small amount we'd deeply appreciate it. Nuzzle Thwop. Magazines, video episodes, Bazaars, jumble sales.

No, shut the fuck up. Thwoppo! All kinds of exclusive Hello! Thwoppo! Hello! All kinds of exclusive content for Patreon supporters.

Thank you so much. It's also, as we record this today, it's Yven's birthday. Fucking get it right's been event's birthday today and she does the cheap show magazine which you can get and i don't buy it now i've never seen it because paul's cruel to me he's mean and cruel i just forget to send you the files he doesn't i was is it my life is this my own life it's my life it's my life podcast anymore. Do I have anything to do with this podcast anymore? What? Do I have anything to do with it? Do I put content in? Do I

produce content for the fucking podcast? Yes, I do. Now, I want to say something right now. Thwoppo. Yeah, I was just waiting for you to say Thwoppo so we can move on. Thwoppo. Thank you for that. Nuzzle Thwop. I don't think I Thwop. Don't chuck shit at me. Well, then stop talking shit. Yeah, I just want to say a few

things, right? One. Thwoppo. Yeah, two. Poultice. Three. Tronch stop talking shit Yeah I just want to say a few things Right One Thwoppo Yeah Two Poultice Three Tronch No I don't want to say

Stop putting words in my mouth What's something else in your mouth at a fucking minute Fist Right Okay Yeah Just give me three things to say Alright

One Yeah Thwoppo Right We've Yeah We've established that I am going to lamp you

One Thwoppo Two Nuzzle thwoppo Right We've Yeah We've Established I am gonna lamp ya One Thwoppo Two Nuzzle Thwop Yeah Three Thwoppage Thank you

Thanks very much for listening everyone I'm out Thwoppage Can you shut up then While I finish doing the album Nuzzle Thwop Yes I can

Yes I can Yes I will Let me say something though If you want to support us on Patreon Go to www.cheapshow.com. No, it's not. It's not that.

It's patreon.com. Shut up. There. You said it now. Well, let me. You fucking said it now, haven't you? Let me get through this. Let me get through this.

It's the worst part of every recording. Got to get through this. Got to get through this. Got to get. Got to get. Got to get. What happened to Daniel Bedingfield? Who gives a fuck?

Right, moving on. I fucking don't what else have you got to say let's just go through them what what let's just

break it down I'm trying to but we always take forever it's only two and a half minutes and I just want to finish it

have I said thwoppo yes you said thwop thwoppage nozzle thwoppage thwoppo

thwop thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp

thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp

thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp

thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp

thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp

thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp thwopp What, I've got a new one? What? Thwop-o-grande. No. You knew you wanted to laugh there, didn't you? And you just didn't. You are a thwop-a-holic, mate. That's your fucking problem.

No, too right. Too fucking right. Shut up now, please. Just say it then. No one's stopping you from just doing the admin, mate. Do the fucking admin now. Zip. I've zipped it. I'm going to stop talking. Yeah?

Right now. Right this second. You can email us thecheapshow at gmail.com We're on Twitter at thecheapshowpod, at Paul Gannon's show Eli's, Eli's Snowid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D You're not doing that anymore. Fuck off.

Patreon.com forward slash cheap show and we're on tumblr we're on facebook we're on instagram you can just look for cheap show you'll find us unless you find that

rock band who sometimes get some of our tweets bit awkward but that's it for another episode of cheap show thanks very much

for listening everybody what are you doing heyo stop heyo fuck he's put the crab bucket on my head and he's whacking it

heyo I thought I'd finish this episode by thw put the crab bucket on my head and he's whacking it. I thought I'd finish this episode by thwacking your crab bucket. Goodbye.