CheapShow - Ep 133: The Crystal Mess

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

Special Guest: Ken Reid. Paul is fresh back from his trip to Los Angeles and has brought with him (not only) a bumper crop of American Cheap Eats, but also Boston-based stand up comedian, Ken Reid. Eli is treated to a kaleidoscope of flavour as he devours hot nuts, spicy sausage, chilli gummies, cheesy chips and gets an added Sauce Report in there too! Elsewhere in the show, Paul brings out the big guns for Gannon's Golden Games. After a long and hard search, Paul discovers The Crystal Maze board game, based on a famous 90s TV show, and pits Ken and Eli against each other in a crystal grabbing adventure through Industrial, Aztec, Medieval and Futuristic themed games. It's becomes a proper s***show! Follow us, Mumsie is awaiting you! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-133-the-crystal-mess If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid Also follow the fabulous Ken Reid to @kennethwreid @TVGuidance If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Welcome back to the UK. Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Silverman. How are you? I'm good, yeah. Do you like my tan? Yeah. I've got nothing else. Right, okay, so...

You've got new clothes as well. I know. Bought it all in Primark. T-shirt. Goonies. Both those are from Primark. And the jeans. So you basically look like one of those dummies they have.

The summer season Primark guy. Yeah, I do. I do. I look like... You've gone down in the world. It used to be Giacomo. What do you mean? No one knows what Giacomo is.

No one is. I'm not even... I'm completely sure I know what Giacomo is. It used to be a thing. Is it? Yeah. It was a clothing menswear company

and it had a certain look, a certain sort of... Balling middle of the road. Lumberjack. You know, there was a big thing for checked shirts, wasn't there,

a few years ago? Yeah. I've got to cut down on checked shirts because on Digitized they say it's to the lumberjack boys playing silly games. Yeah, you've still got checked shirts, mate. Get with it. Anyway. Get with Primark. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show.

The Economy Comedy Podcast. I'm Paul Gannon. With me as always is... Eli Silverman, hello. You nearly said Eli Snowy then, didn't you, because of the introduction? No, I didn't. All right, you're professional. I didn't nearly say anything. I said exactly what I meant to say. Do the thing with the list of shops where we go to.

Right, where we go for the bargain bins, the charity shops, the pound lands, the thrift stores, the bazaars and jumble sales of Great Britain. And discount stores. Don't fucking dare add another one. Discount. Don't add another one. What do you mean don't add? That's what I'm here for.

I'm here to add shops. You add nothing. You add nothing on a regular fucking basis. You just say it. Look, just add discount one. What do you mean don't add? That's what I'm here for. I'm here to add shops. You add nothing. You add nothing on a regular fucking basis. You just say it. Look, just add discount stores. That was a good list. That was a complete list apart from discount stores. Alright. Which I think we should have. Mate, when's the list going to end? It doesn't end. The podcast can go on forever.

It doesn't end, mate. So, you say all of that and I've got this sort of thing I'm going to do. Alright, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears, where we go for the bargain bins, the charity shops, the powerlands, the thrift stores, the jumble sales, the car boot sales, and bazaars of Great Britain. Discount stores! And discount stores! I'm still working it in.

Boning school! That's my thing I was going to do. I'm going to ask what a boning school is. If you have to ask, you know. No, I really have. In this instance, I have to ask. No one has to ask what a boning school is. If you have to ask, you know. No, I really have. In this instance, I have to ask. No one has to ask what a boning school is, Paul. I am always going to ask what a boning school is. It's just something I'm going to say after you've said discount stores.

Right, well, anyway, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy? The price of shite This is for gunning St. Helens Eli Silver Welcome to Cheat Show You're not going on nozzle No fannying about with pre-emptive bollocks

I'm going to get our guest straight in Ladies and gentlemen, flying in all the way from Boston It is Boston, isn't it? It is Boston Yeah, Boston We have the fantastic comedian And personal close friend It's true

Mr. Ken Reid from the tv guidance podcast hello hello i was gonna make a joke like 10 minutes ago about how shopping at primark means they're all check shirts yeah no that is like because tiny slave children have made them all on boats in international waters okay you mean little checks yeah yeah people yeah well apparently they've got store like signs up in the store saying that it's sweatshop free. Yeah, well, they're saying it's cheap because of our distribution

methods or something. Yeah, their distribution into international waters to have children make their products. The Primark pirate ships. Slave ships, yeah. Sort of child labour ships.

Eli, fucking guess what? What? Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot. Source report! Great. I've got one for you. Because I kept an eye out. Do you like sauce?

I enjoy sauce. Yeah. I got really into sauce when I was in boning school. Not that kind of sauce, I hope. Yeah, there's sauce everywhere in boning school. But also, Eli, not only sauce report, but the news action jam hotline. A jam? I have got jams or jellies uh i have got

jams to bring in jellies are different oh what's the difference between a jam and a jam will have this is my take on it jam will have pieces of fruit correct and a jelly is plain smooth smooth it's like smooth and chunky peanut butter. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Except, you know, one's sexier. I like... Sentences I thought I'd never hear. Sexy peanut butter. Well, you know, there's the whole, that must be jelly because jam don't shake like that.

Is that a lyric to something I don't know? I don't know. That's my high school yearbook quote. It's a good one. You know what mine was? What? You didn't go to high school no but we had a yearbook made at the end of our sixth form college poor bastard and uh i i just ripped off

the simpsons i went alcohol the cause of and solution to all of life's problems you know my actual one was gone that was no boating accident attributed to guy from jaws a lot of people thinking it doesn't look that disfigured. Did you have anything like that in school? No, mate. I went to hippie school. Yeah, I know you went to hippie school. We had beans. We had washing up bowl things,

plastic things full of cheese. Puka shells. What? Puka shells. That's what American hippies wear. Oh, wear them. Yeah. No, these were very much British

sort of tweed wearing hippies. The worst kind of hippie. Middle-class hippies? Yeah. Not the Chelsea Tractor types. That's a bit off. Well, the whole hippie thing was much more of a... It was big in Britain, but it was a different sort...

It was... In America, I think it covered quite a few of the classes, didn't it? It wasn't just middle class. Yeah, it was a full on... A lot of working class kids sort of dropped out and stuff as well. But no, in Britain, it was much smaller sort of movement, for one thing, and it was much more middle class. All I think of is, have you ever seen the movie,

it was called Don't Open the Window, or The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue? I love that. It had various names. I love that film, yeah. You know the one. I do know the Manchester Morgue. It's like the main guy. It's shot i do know the it's like it's it's like the main guy in spain yeah it's a british film and there were uh like

weird metal detectors that were supposed to kill bugs that made the dead come alive it's a classic bad movie but the main english guy and that is what i think of when i think british yes that's got that very much of that uber That feel That late 60s Brit sort of Well it's like Have you ever seen The sitcom Hippies With Simon Pegg

I have It's real bad Oh there's one or two Episodes I wouldn't You're such a Pegg defender I'm not a Pegg I'm not going to be

Cast as a Pegg defender Yeah you're Pegging You're Pegging everywhere Yeah Do you want me to Peg you again No we're not doing Any Pegging gags

We're doing We are It looks like we are Doing Pegging gags Keep doing Peggging gags. We're doing sauce. We are. It looks like we are doing pegging gags. Keep doing pegging gags until the sauce comes out. Welcome to boning school. You know what? Pegging classes.

This ends now. This is going to be a class- Do the jam. Do the fucking jam, then. I went to Dunkin' Donuts and I got jam. Here's the jam. Hey! You went to Dunkin' Donuts in Los Angeles, too, which is kind of sacrilegious.

It is. It really is. It's like, I remember going in Boston to all the Dunkin Donuts going to Dunks yeah but then this this is worse than that because I went to the airport Dunkin Donuts oh that's really it's really it's like yeah levels below it's the donkey I can swear right oh please yeah that's like you're like going to the fucking airport dunks fucking interoper over here. I was desperate and needed a bagel with a bacon. Oh, we got a fucking amateur. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm just a tourist. I don't know. Dunkin' Donuts is the world's biggest buyer of coffee or something like that. It is. Is it? Yeah. More than Starbucks? Yeah.

It's bigger than Starbucks. It is, yeah. Is it? In the States, yeah. Oh, yeah, because it's not really got much of a presence over here, does it? Internationally, I think it, yeah, it's not really got much of a presence over here, does it? Internationally, I think it's weird. Well, that's because Starbucks traditionally didn't do what you would call filter coffee drinks. It's all espresso-based. And the UK is an espresso-based coffee culture.

Whereas the US is a filter. That's the working man's coffee. And those espresso drinks are for like she-she little hippies. Yeah, there was no sort of coffee culture here. No. Right up until the 70s. Well, there was. You had the coffee bars like in Soho here where we are.

Like you had the sort of moddy espresso Italian coffee bars. You did have that, but it didn't catch on a lot until a few years ago with Starbucks going on. Like here, like a builder would have like a thermos full of tea here. Yes. That would be dunks. Yes. Oh, God. In America, that would be dunks. Yes. Oh, got it.

In America, that would be dunks. Now. Anyway, so here's some jams I got. Now, these are demonstrating the- Talking to the mic. I know it's only been four years of doing this. Just going to say- Shut the fuck up.

Probably the 132nd time. Don't make a big deal about it. How about don't make a big deal about it? You know what you should do? They should make mic pop cards that look like a hand. So you can be like, talk to the hand, girl. There we go. Or I would like one that has a-

Looks like a vagina. Yeah. Do you often talk into hand there we go oh i would like one that looks like a vagina yeah do you often talk sorry yeah would you would you be more would you be more keen to talk to my i would i would that would that be a way to fool people is that like there's a whole way to get people to confess things be like i often whisper my secrets into vaginas yeah vagina this vagina is wearing a wire and like two legs that go over your shoulders which help with the sound. It just helps keep it all... That's how you tune things in.

Yeah. It's just... The legs are like booty ears on a TV. Right. Finished? No. I've got my point to make

about this. As you said, there is a distinction between jelly and jam in the States and it is demonstrated by these airport dunking... What's that voice?

I don't know. Jam pots you've given me. So I'll just give you the rundown on these, Paul. News action jam report. Firstly, strawberry jam. Correct. Now, I would assume this has little bits of strawberry in it. Yes.

Little seedy bits. That could be interchangeable with strawberry preserves. Yes. Good to know. Then we have the first of our jellies. Yes. Grape jelly. Yes.

Grape jelly that you very rarely if ever get grape jam yes and you don't get either uh in britain really you just don't get grape anything really apart from now candy yeah but that was a again it's one of those things those flavors that for me were like a mythical american only kind of flavor well wine's very popular yes that's grape flavor that's great i mean that's all right okay that's true but i'm just talking about grapes in terms of candy and soft drinks you don't get a lot but now you do and the third yeah mixed fruit jelly yeah and so that will be all of the off cuts and leftover garbage from all of their other jams made into a jelly. So that's the Chicken McNugget of jelly.

Well, did you have Five Alive here? Yes. Do you know the story of Five Alive? No. Was that a carton drink? It was. It was a frozen concentrate in the US. Yeah, it was tropical.

It was just the flavor was just listed as citrus, because what it would be is all the companies that made orange juice and stuff would be like all the peels and garbage and leftover stuff. They would basically squeeze it and boil boil it and then there's your five alone wow reduction tastic now but now it's a sauce all right so i'll just give you the whole pile where did these come from uh uh right so some of the some of those sauces came from duncan donuts uh what oh god where did the other ones come from? Did you purchase something or just take the sauces?

Okay, so I was in Echo Park, got a takeaway, and some of the sauces were thrown in. You were in a taco. Was it a sort of street food paradise? No, it was this nice little place on Echo Park, which is like a little restaurant with a lighthouse on the top where you can go and take swan boats. They sell really nice food, so I got an avocado and kale toasted sandwich. Did you order? Did they just give that to you when they looked at you? that what do they think they look i look pasty you can do with some greens here you go yeah probably uh they uh threw in some of the hot sauces and then

the rest i can't really remember where i got them from i think it's mostly dunkin donuts on the way out uh well the heinz ketchup would be dunkin donuts because they exclusively use heinz ketchup that is a massachusetts-based company. John Kerry, who previously ran for president in the US, was married to Teresa Hines. She's the Heinz heiress. The Heinz heiress, yes. But it is, I mean, it's one of those weird things.

Sorry to interrupt you. I was going to do a really bad gag about 57 varieties of wife, but then I thought, let's move on. Heinz is one of those weird things with ketchup, isn't it? It is actually better than all the other ketchups. There's less sugar in it. I'm going to count down until he uses the word amplitude now. Amplitude is what it's all about.

Amplitude. That's correct. Amplitude. We did a taste test on this show many, many years ago now. Many moons ago. And a blind test tasting ketchups. And this was not only the favorite, but was easily identifiable. Did you get Hunt's ketchup?

No. Is that good? Hunt's is the main rival to Heinz in America. Oh, really? So like the daddies in this country, I guess. But daddies is piss poor. Oh, they do like barbecue sauce, don't they? They do.

Daddies do a knockoff of every flavor and it's very rich. So they're like a step daddy's. Yeah. It's a step daddy sauce. They're a bad daddy's. Step daddy sauce sounds like a really good porn film. No, it does not. I think I saw that in a shop window on my way to the studio.

Yeah, very likely in Soho. Step daddy sauce. Okay. So these Heinz tomato ketchup ones that we've by process of deduction and foreknowledge have

deduced that they come from Dunkin Donuts correct because they've got their deal with Heinz have a lovely little

picture of a Heinz bottle it makes all the difference yeah it looks like you have a tiny bottle inside the packet

yeah that's the imagination like it's like a Cracker Jack prize and you'll open it up It makes all the difference. Yeah. It looks like you have a tiny bottle inside the packet. Yeah. That's the imagination at play. It's like a Cracker Jack prize, and you'll open it up, and there'll be a tiny flat bottle in there. They should do that. They should have it like a, what is it, a zhoosh. You know, like a kind of thing you, what is it? Oh, a zhoosh. Ah, yeah, it's a zhoosh.

What is it when you have that little pot of sauce, but you melt it down? So it's like a gravy, but you melt it down from a pot. That's not called a zhoosh. What's a zhoosh? I have no idea. We call those bouillon cubes. You know what a zhoosh sounds like? I'll take bouillon cubes.

Bouillon cubes is what we call them. Yeah, that's what it is. It's a bouillon jelly cube is what you're talking about. It's like a little bottle-shaped one. Zhoosh sounds like something a stereotypical gay hairdresser would say. Oh, I'm going to do a zhoosh your hair. Yeah. All right, fair enough.

Dude, it's a total bottle, Zsuzsa. Right. So, move on with the sauces there. Thank you. We've got a mayonnaise, pretty generic. That is generic. And a little mustard one, also generic. I got desperate. I just grabbed the load on the way out. Yeah, those would be at like a generic food stand, those two. And the mustard would be sort of

French's style. It's yellow mustard, not the Grey Poupon. No. I was discussing with someone last night about condiments, yeah? And he's Greek. What a great life you live. Source report extra. Yeah.

He is Greek and he was going on about Greek mustard, how there's a special brand of Greek mustard that he loves. They love their own shit, don't they? They love everything. Right. But he was saying, why can't, why when you go

to a Turkish restaurant where they have lots of meat on skewers and stuff, do you never get mustard there? Well, because Turkish people hate Greek people. And also, they hate mustard.

Yeah. Do they? Yeah. How can they have an opinion on mustard? Well, it's just not part of their culture. Have you ever talked

to a Turkish person? No. They hate everything that's not Turkish. Well, I'm training Turkish people who aren culture. Have you ever talked to a Turkish person? No. They hate everything that's not Turkish. Well, 20 Turkish people who are listening. It's true though. Please keep listening to our show.

They're proud people. They're very proud people. They are. They're too proud. Very hospitable. Unless you're Armenian. Yeah, or Greek.

And so, it's explaining to Kostas that you always get ketchup and mayonnaise in these places because those are the only two condiments that have broken the whole of the world market, haven't they? They go everywhere. Ketchup goes every single place.

Same with mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is like the goo of life. It's the goo of flavour. If people are marketing something to white people, mayonnaise is like their... What are you, like mayonnaise or something? Yeah. It's like the... Yes. They'll just give it to you bland dependable but you do get that in restaurants of different cultures different cultured restaurants but you wouldn't get

mustard because i was saying mustard isn't the same mustard isn't trans cultural well there's too much variation in mustard you don't generally other, you don't get like fancy mayo. Yeah, exactly. Or like spicy whole grain mayo. Yeah, you're right. So I was saying, there's not only is there a sort of cultural difference in how accepted these condiments are and that's why you don't get mustard there, but also like you say, there's a lot of variation in mustard.

What mustard are you getting? English mustard. You've got whole mustard which is like frog spawn mustard. That's what the pole's like now. Whole grain mustard. Full seed mustard. Slimy pods. When did this show become about your fucking condiment obsession? When it got really popular.

Exactly. When we got out of ideas and thought, whatever. No, the source report is a real thing voted for by the people of this podcast. Voted for by a spiteful audience who don't like me being happy. I saw on Twitter they were like, let's get a sauce report. I hate you all. Anyway, on with the sauce report, Paul. Oh, before you know it can fuck off.

What? Salad cream. We don't have that. Out. We don't have it in America. It's like someone who thinks mayonnaise is too spicy. Salad cream is an important part of my childhood because I would run home from school at lunch because I lived near school and I would make what I would call a white sandwich.

It was white bread with Cheshire cheese and salad cream. The whole thing was white from top to toe. It was so white. The whole thing was so white. That sandwich is a hate crime. That's how white it is. But either way, I enjoyed it and I stand by it. White sandwiches matter. Oh, fuck's sake.

What they do. Right, this is a generic hot sauce. Not much. I like to taste that. It looks like a sweet and sour sauce, too. It's kind of gelatinous and weirdly translucent. That is a Dunkin' Donuts hot sauce. Yeah, what we found, tasting hot sauces, if they come from America,

they do tend to put more sugar in than other parts of the world. And a bit more flavour, even if the flavour offsets the heat. But these are what really caught my eye. And for me, the highlight of the source report this week, Paul. I got excited when I saw them. Are these little tapito. Sorry, tapito. You've never had tapito?

No. Oh, have you had sriracha? No, this is tapatio. Tapatio is what it's called. Are you correcting the man whose country which origin is it? Look, I'm looking at it. Look. There you go.

What do you think that says? Tapatio. Tapatio. Tapatio. Which means uncle, right? Doesn't it? Tio is uncle. I don't think Tapatio means uncle. That's like, hey, go out and Tapatio.

Yeah. No, but this is, if you go to any Mexican restaurant, this or this will usually be. Cholula. Yeah, this will usually be on the table. Oh, okay. So that's like the Mexican Heinz variety. It's like Mexican ketchup. Yeah. Okay. Which is nice stuff. You've had this before? Oh, okay. So that's like the Mexican Heinz variety. It's like Mexican ketchup. Yeah.

Okay. Which is nice stuff. Have you had this before? Oh, yeah. I've had it in the States. It's good. Oh, it's good. It's not terribly spicy.

No, it's not too hot. It's like Tabasco sauce, but with less vinegar. Yes. It's a bit drier as well than Tabasco. There's also a green Tapatio sauce. I haven't tried. Very nice. Yeah.

Nice grassy freshness to the green ones, aren't there? I hate this section of the show. I'm big on El Yacateco. Have you heard? That's pretty good. Have you heard of tiger sauce? No. Oh, yes. That's pretty good. It's a little bit like peri-peri. We'll take a different genre. That's not a pure hot sauce,

is it, Tiger? No. But tasty as fuck. Sauce time. And these, just to finish finish off these are the sachets and they're like the heinz ones uh have a little picture of a bottle a tapatio bottle on them so you know what you're getting i like those i'm gonna save that for my sauce collection you know what's fascinating about these though uh is they're kosher there's a kosher symbol on the on the tapatio where there is not on the Heinz. There's been a rabbi present. A rabbi parked outside.

Mexican kosher. What does kosher mean again? Kosher is the way it's prepared. Oh, okay. Okay, so it's like a halal thing. It's like halal. It's actually the same exact thing. It's the same thing as halal.

But why are all these religions different? Why can't we all just get along? Well, maybe if people talked about sauces a little more, Paul. That's right. Sauce will unite the world. If there wasn't hate for sauce coming from you and your white sandwich, you're part of the problem, mate. Waving your white sandwich, yelling about Brexit. Right, let's just crack on with this fucking show.

By giving you a food erection. He's got food horny. How is there not food erection he's got food horny how is there not a place in soho called food horny that's just like a late night junk food there was a restaurant called flavor bastard when we were driving to wales for this wedding we drove by a place called orgasmic cider yep nice i've seen a chicken and chips shop called aqua plus there used to be my favorite fish and chip shop when i lived in new cross was called fish go tech no that see that's cool it might still be there i don't know that's cool something from why aqua plus is just unexplainably sort of fucking lame well there's a's a Jamaican restaurant in New Cross I used to go to all the time

it's called Coming Up C-U-M-M-I-N and I loved it and then like in the age of social media I've seen a ton of people post like pictures of it and stuff now

and they sell like t-shirts and things now. It's weird. I'm into those silly silly restaurant names. Next Level

that was the other one. Next N-E-X-X Level. Oh. Next Level. Double X for me. Right. That was also a Jamaican place. And we're back in the room.

Okay. So, obviously I've just got back from my trip to LA. Now, we're going to go into this in much greater detail in a future episode

because I want to talk about Winky and I want to talk about a few of the things that happened to me out there. So we're going to do a kind of you listen to the report and then comment. I listen, do I? Well, you weren't there, were you?

You get in a nice warm bath, light a few candles, and listen to his report. Yeah. Now you're talking. And I'll sit in the bath with you with the microphone. And just whisper. I'll just whisper. Give you a nice front massage. It's very relaxing.

I could do your clavicles. My what? Aren't do your clavicles. My what? Aren't they your clavicles? No, I think those are the things at the beginning of music. Yeah. You are totally, you are pulling word sandwich out of your butt. Anyway, doing cheap eats. I went to, obviously, LA.

We're going to go more about it in a future episode. We're also going to do a Ghostbusters special because I've got a ton of stuff on that. So did it, did it, did it, did it. Did you go to the new headquarters in boston when you went no from the paul feig movie they shot the paul feig movie in boston the chinese restaurant yeah it's right in chinatown no i have not been back to boston since uh i'll take you there let's do it i'd love to go to chinatown in boston yeah it's you want to buy a lot of weapons that's where i used to go in high school. What kind of weapons do you have? In Chinatown, throwing stars.

All kinds of bladed weapons. Switch blades, butterfly knives, swords, things you'd strap on your wrist that shot darts out. Yes.

Brought them to school all the time. I presume that's not legal. It's a grey area. It's fun and games until someone literally loses an eye. We're going to get

into that in another episode, but what I wanted to do this week was do cheap eats because I went to 99 cent store. 99 cent only. Bar tax. And I got a collection of stuff from there. I also went to a few 7-Elevens and got a bit of stuff there. So we've got a lot of food to get through.

So let's just crack straight up. Did you get pulled over in the line going through security and they're like, what the hell are you doing? No. line going through security and they're like what the hell are you doing uh no what was awkward was when they pulled my suitcase out and went what's this and pointed at my giant foam proton pack that i just bought ah and thought it was a bomb and then i actually explained not only what it was that does look like a bomb it looks like a bomb but i actually explained not only what it was what it was made out of ghostbusters why i was in the in the us 35 years of the franchise, all of this. I just had to explain a big chunk of pop culture to him.

Can I give you a tip? Go on. If they pull you over for anything that requires that kind of explanation, just say, it's a sex thing. And then they won't ask any more questions and they'll let you through. Can I be honest? If I was that guy and someone said it's a sex thing, I'd have

lots of follow-up questions. have lots of follow-up questions. Just lots of follow-up questions. Oh, yeah? Prove it. Yeah. Why don't you come into this little room and we'll find out more. Have you ever seen a proton-packed vibrator combo thing? I haven't personally, but I would be surprised if someone hasn't turned a neutron wand into

a big fanny hammer. Fanny hammer? Yeah. Obviously, front, bottom. Yeah. Well, fanny's butt in america i know what is this on your oh this is the uh the howie mendel uh fred savage epic little monsters little monsters fred savage yep howie mendel from the film little monsters yeah yeah which is that one where the toys come to life. No, no. You're thinking of demonic toys?

Yeah. Little Monsters is about monsters that live under your bed and they're actually children who've been kidnapped and Fred Savage befriends one of them named Maurice and almost becomes a monster. I had never heard of that. It's a really cool movie. It's like a kid's version of Nightbreed.

Yeah, it is. It's very Nightbreed. It's funnily movie. It's like a kid's version of Nightbreed. Yeah, it is. It's very Nightbreed. It's funnily enough. There's some truly terrifying stuff in it. Frank Wally plays the leader of the underworld named Boy, and he's just horrifying. Was it a success? No.

No, and it wasn't. I loved it. Well, that's the thing. There were a few films I love and cherish from the 80s, but on reflection you go, oh, they were critically derailed. It was kind of a minor, but it ends on an amazing talking heads montage. It's just a great movie. Kid drinks piss.

Little Monsters. Yeah. Little Monsters. Do you think I could just sort of watch it on YouTube? Yeah, it's on Amazon Prime and YouTube. It's on all the streamers. You'll probably find it. You'll find it. We'll have a look for it. I might pay money for it. It's worth a couple bucks. It's fun. It's a nice t-shirt. I'm wearing Goonies. You're wearing Goonies.

Primark. What films have you worn? I'm not wearing films. Black Panther. Black Panther. I've got a black t-shirt on. Black Stoat. I think I went through there when I was travelling here. Black Stoat. Isn't that up near Walthamstow? Yeah, but it's a really nice pub.

There's a really nice pub. I a really nice pub I'm surprised you managed to probably walk past the last remaining sex shop in Soho yeah yeah well I used to work here when I lived here and I walked by

I walked through the sex gauntlet the alleyway it's completely gone it is all gone there was that you know that

very very small alley right by the windmill you know it's like really small but it separates that's what we're talking about the sex alley that's where the comic strip was, the original comedy club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember one time I'd gone to get a comic book from somewhere else, and I was going through that alley, but they gave me a little brown bag to put the comic book in. Now, as I'm going through this alleyway, this woman with double, you know, a buggy with two babies, you know, it's a wide thing. A double buggy.

Yeah, was coming my way. So I stepped into a doorway just to let the woman pass. And as i stepped out of the doorway i bumped to an ex-girlfriend and she looked at the doorway i just walked through which said live sex and you had a brown bag and i had a brown bag and she had all these she didn't have the best look on her face let's just put it that way when i first moved here uh the very first day i was in the uk i was tying my shoe and someone went uh Presley wanna buy some drugs But then I was walking by the sex shops and they had like a barker outside and she was Eastern European and she was like pretty good girls That's honest at least isn't it right here we go here's your first cheap eat you can have a look at both of those

Shit yeah meat and cheese. A great combo. Whoever thought of packing cheese and meat together? You don't get Slim Jims. No. We get pepperoni. Okay. It's like origami pepperoni. Yeah.

You never get pepperoni with cheese packed in the same thing. So I'm just going to go straight in on this. Just dive straight in. Those are vile. Yeah. I don't want to eat no one else is joining me it's just me yeah uh it's yeah you know how i described five alive yeah that but for animals assholes this is why you don't work in advertising now i don't think

they'd let you i think i'm right straight to the point yeah this is a slim chin dudley moore film isn't it yeah crazy people crazy people people. Slim Jim, beef and cheese. Beef and cheese. Beef and cheese. It was advertised by macho man Randy Savage in America. What's not to love?

And his big catchphrase was, Snap into them! Okay. And if he says it, you kind of just have to go, right, fine. Now, this is a Slim Jim, beef and cheese mild.

They're spiced. They have spicy ones? Mm-hmm. I've probably got the spicy ones. I think the big one there is a spicy. Now, you're the expert. Yeah, you're our culinary American expert. What do you think I should do?

Go for beef and cheese in one mouthful? Some people do a bite, yeah, the one mouthful. I'm just going to, because I don't want to eat too much of this. Get a little beef and cheese at the same time. I'm going to do both. Stack them together. I'm going to cross the streams. Get a little beef and cheese at the same time. Stack them together. Cross the streams. Double fist this beef and cheese into my mouth.

He put the whole thing in there. He did. Like an animal. You know. It's like those really, I don't know if you get them here, but like at Christmas from people who don't like you or didn't think to get you a gift, get you one of those little gift boxes

with a sausage and a cheese and they're all hermetically sealed. Just that. You know what? That doesn't taste too bad. And the sausage has a bit of snap on it. The cheese isn't that pure plastic. It does actually have some milk protein in it.

It's a little bit of cheddar, not so much the American cheese. That's what I was surprised with as well. It's less that string cheese kind of texture. I don't think that's too bad, mate. All right, good. This is not a criticism. I went and got cheap food, as is all want on this show.

Those are always at the counter at stores. They're like a real impulse buy. Oh, yeah. I can see the impulse for that. In the 99 cent store I went to, there was a wall of sausage. Yeah. And that was part of the wall of sausage. Oh, were you in West Hollywood?

Yeah, the back end of... The back end of West Hollywood. The wall of sausage was a really nice club. And I spent there for years. Crikey. So, can I just say... Yeah.

Peperami, they brought out a noodle. I know this is... We're covering old ground here. Peperami is basically the equivalent of Slim Jim. Okay. Sort of cheap processed sausage.

Processed dried meat. Processed salami sticks. But they have a funny like condom-like skin thing, which you see men buy them, and then they're like, I do not want to be peeling this skin back on this sausage and putting it straight in my mouth like that on the street. It makes me look- Because you're uncircumcised here. So you see men,

they sort of go sideways. They do it like a corn on the cob. Okay. Just to avoid any sort of penis in there. I've seen a lot of guys eat bananas like that for the same reason.

They have problems with their identity and you can't just accept it. It looked a bit like a cock going into your mouth when you eat banana. Dude, see me eating a sausage

they're going to think I'm gay. You know what I mean? Yeah. Why are you so scared people are going to think you're gay? Because you're gay. Yes, that's why. Anyway, go on. Watch this one.

No, but their pepperami had noodles. Do you remember? No one remembers. Yeah, instant noodles, but it had a pepperoni. And it had little bits of them in with- Like a pot noodle? Yeah, like a ramen, like a pack. Yeah.

Like a ramen pack, flat pack. I bet it wasn't a three packer. I bet it was a two packer. You had the dry sausage pack and then the normal sort of soup base. That was worse than a dry sausage. Right. The other sausage product that you've got, Paul, you've handed to me at the same time as a Slim Jim beef and cheese. Surprisingly good, I thought.

Thank you. Is, oh boy, a Berto. I don't know anything about this brand. Berto is one of the rip-offs of Slim Jim. Okay. It is usually a chorizo-style sausage. That has a Spanish flag on the... Yep.

They also make taco seasonings and things like that. I'm liking it. Might be nice with a little squirt of... I'm not opening. These are gold, mate. I'm not opening these tapatios. These go in a museum. If you ever go to prison, they're better than cigarettes.

That's your capital. These are the Berto sticks. Yep. Really? Yep. On a long, lonely night for something to eat. Yeah. Well, I've heard that ramen noodles are sort of replacing cigarettes in some American jails

as the currency. No. Well, they've banned cigarettes in jails here just recently, and apparently it's just not going well. That's why we need that Brexit. Yeah. We want our cigarettes back so we can kill our prisoners slowly. That's right.

All right, so this is a spicy smoked stick. Yeah. Natural smoke flavor added, BHA and BHD added to ensure freshness. Anything else? Pig arsehole. Yeah. If you're lucky. And the report is?

Not as good as the Slim Jim. Really? It's like the C-level. Yeah. That is really... How's it got the snap? I'll have a try a bit of that one. How's it got the snap that the Slim Jim has?

It's a little soggy. Yes. Yeah. Slim Jim has a natural casing. The casing on the Slim Jim's pretty good. The snap is all right, isn't it? Yeah, not great. Yeah.

It's mushy. It is sort of mushy and sort of, yeah, chewy. Not very good. Mealy. Yeah. It's not a great sausage. It crumbles in the mouth. Yeah, it's not great.

I don't think meat should crumble when you chew it. It's not even like a crumble. It's like a decay. Yeah. It goes off as you're eating it. Right. Well, there's your first two I don't think meat should crumble when you chew it. It's not even like a crumble. It's like a decay. It goes off as you're eating it. Right. Well, there's your first two. That's just your appetizer.

Get ready. Fun times are ahead. What do we do next? We went for the savory. Now what's next? No, this has all been tuned to his needs. So we're going to get hot and spicy. Oh, he loves the spicy.

Let's go with something a bit more familiar brand wise. Oh, yeah. you can't go wrong with doritos the weirdest thing to me here is that like doritos just mean like people use them for nachos and stuff here which you don't do like you don't use a flavored tortilla chip fucking annoys the fuck out of me actually you know gross yeah you can't buy just plain corn chips yeah why not oh it angers me no you can't the first time I came here you can but not usually you know what I mean and you'll have a shop

and they'll have like some salsa there you think oh I'll get some salsa then I'll get some fucking corn chips to go with it no you have to get

cool original which is first time I was here someone gave me chips and salsa and it was cheese Doritos with mango chutney

that's disgusting fucking disgusting you've got a look of trauma on your face that was not a happy that was a genuinely dark thought. I was like, I'm going to kill you now. Yeah, well, we only started getting decent Mexican food, maybe late 90s, early 2000s.

I was here then, you didn't. We were still there. We were beginning to. And also, Oaxaca, I heard a story from, that's kind of this Mexican, quiteaxaca, I heard a story from, that's kind of, there's Mexican, quite sort of, kind of a bit more expensive than your normal Mexican. All right. Fancy schmancy.

They're all right. But I heard the other day that this guy went in there and there are a couple left without paying. They snuck off. And their server, it comes out of his money. That's how they do it in America. That sucks. Which is illegal, but they do it anyway.

They should not fucking do that. No, not at all. Not if some two bellends are going to jump off the bill. What are you going to do, man? You're going to hunt them down yourself. That's like a safety thing. I worked at a steakhouse

and they tried to do that to me and I pulled up the clause in the employment statutes. And I was like, that's a little illegal. And then they freaked out and were like, fine. Fuck off, though.

It's just not nice, either. It's just, it's blaming, blaming the server for some other... Well, if you work in a grocery store and someone shoplifts,

they don't make you pay for it. No. Corporate bullshit. Maybe that's the career we need to get into. We need to get into some kind of dog-the-boundy-hunter

for people who... The bounty hunter. Bounty hunter. I'd just like to be a vigilante murderer, like the Equalizer, but for people who walk out onounty Hunter. Bounty Hunter. I'd just like to be a vigilante murderer, like the Equalizer, but for people who walk out on checks. The Equalizer. Can I ask a question about that? You can. Was Edward Woodward

meant to be playing a British person living in America, or was he basically doing it as Jessica Fletcher, just pretending to be American? No, he was meant to be a British person who was working for an international wetworks organization. Backstory. I always thought it was a bit kind of Jessica Fletcher, kind of Angela Lansbury thing.

No, no. Is that just because you kind of thought it was cute? I mean, she is cute. I like the theme track. Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do. Well, the Equalizer movie, which they shot in Boston, is basically a Friday the 13th movie. Is it?

Yeah. It's Denzel Washington for the whole last 45 minutes just murders a ton of people with the entire contents of a B&Q. Oh, wow, I've not seen that film. It's not good. Is it? It's not good. You want it to be good. the whole last 45 minutes just murders a ton of people with the entire contents of a bnq oh that oh i've not seen that it's not good it's not good you want it to be good it's not good it's violent yeah but then it's wonderfully violent it's violent and stuff but then it gets to the end and it's just this endless montage of you know denzel looking hard sort of you know he's the man behind the man for fucking half an hour it's like the fucking

film is over guys you ever see the movie vamp with grace jones yes not in a very long time but the man who wrote and directed that wrote the two equalizer movies really i did not what's he called i can't think of his name right now it was anton vamp was like directed it yeah the first yeah vamp anton levay no no yeah the head of satanism no the guy what is that bad guy wrote and directed vamp wrote the scripts for the two equalizer movies now vamp was a very curious film now it's great it's uh what would what genre would you call it it's like it's a comedy it's a horror comedy but it's sort of like after hours yes it's sort of that weird all-nighter i love after hours i love that it's my favorite scorsese movieer i love after hours i love that it's my favorite

scorsese movie yeah i love after hours have you seen after hours i haven't i haven't seen ventures in babysitting which i think was called the night on the town yeah it's all those films like at that period that just take sort of one night there's a great one that a lot of people haven't seen with keanu reeves and laurie laughlin who's going to jail right now uh called called the the night before okay and it's it's uh sort of like if you mixed after hours with risky business basically they wake up the night after prom night and everything's weird and they try to figure out what happens i'm sold i'm totally sold it's a good movie all right movie recommendations vamp yeah and what the night before you said because vamp

i remember being it starts a bit like porkies almost and then turns into a kind of it's like revenge of the nerds and then it gets scary but it has that whole sort of shallow light palette green and blue very 80s it's all downtown la they shut the whole thing downtown away yeah that i can definitely see the seedy side of la coming through i mean it's flawed because like grace jones great singer you know me she's kind of horrifying in that yeah she's just not when you keep herring did all the production design herring did the production design see it all goes back to herring there's a uh there's a uh exhibition liverpool right now if herrings work yes at the albert dock if anyone's listening you think the winky flyer will be in i don't know someone said

they were going to go this weekend and take a picture but you can buy the print online for $1,000. Fuck. It's a good deal. Now. Doritos. Doritos Dynamita Chili Lemon. Lemon? Yeah. So this is not American. This is an import. You were in Los Angeles, so you ended up getting Mexican American products.

Yes. And you can tell that because this is Doritos, but there's another brand here, Sabritas, which I'm assuming is pure Mexican. It's a Mexican. Because Frito-Lay owns Doritos, I believe, another brand here, Sabritas, which I'm assuming is pure Mexican. It's a Mexican. Yeah, because Frito-Lay owns Doritos, I believe, in the US. Yes, that's right. And they have a South American wing. So that's the South American wing of Frito-Lay, Sabritas, you think.

Taco Bell, Frito, Pepsi's, or whatever they're called. And these are corn chips of a sort, but these are rolled up into cylinders as corn chips. These are good. I've had these. What do you think of these? Oh, you've had them already? Not the Dorito brand. There's other brands that they do that I've had in Florida.

They're pretty good. I don't usually care for the lime flavoring they use because it's a bit strong and it doesn't taste real. And sort of weirdly chemical, if you know what you mean. He's having a huff. Oh, what's the huff? It's a good huff, mate. Is it?

His face is covered in cheese powder. You know, Stuart Ashen started using the word huff now when he does food stuff. I know, it's a great thing to say, isn't it? Oh, do you know

what it smells like to me? Like a bag of fish and chips from the Chippy. It's got a vinegary smell. Vinegary, salty, yeah. You want to try one? Yeah, I'll have one. Now, they do suffer a bit

from that, what you said, that sort of too strong over-fishel lime. But they've got a bit of a kick. Nice crunch. Not too bad. Christ, look at that red. Yeah. It comes off and it looks like I've just cut my finger. That is a deep red.

My criticism would be exactly what you said. Profundo, Rosso. The lime is just a bit too too much you need a little coconut to mix it up but pretty nice compared to the kind of Dorito flavours you get in this country we're talking flavour town

you know what actually would be really nice with that and this will sound insane strawberry jam I'm telling you man i'm telling you like a habanero strawberry is fantastic i'm gonna try it do it i'm telling you it'll be good i'll do it as well i'm opening the jam up we're opening new frontiers and i'm not pranking you i will do it too if you think i'm just lying but i think that'll be delicious i mean it smells of strawberry jam you need a little bit of sweet sweet with that heat. It's a habanero-y type

heat. It'll go well. We're living on the edge here, ladies and gentlemen, in Cheap Eats today. Jam report. The jam theory's falling down because there are no bits in this jam. That's bad. It's just cheap. Now, that is not a taste combination I ever thought

I'd have anything to do with, but... Do you like it? I don't. Right. But do you not like sweet and savoury generally? No, I do, but there's something about that which just...

It's too strawberry and too lemony and they don't quite... Does it mix? They don't quite mix, yeah. It's probably because they're so processed, but...

I think it's quite nice. There's a restaurant where I live and they make this cheese dip. Cheesy fries with a spicy strawberry habanero sauce. I'm having a food bonk on. Josh off.

To me, that cuts the heat just the right amount. Yeah, no, it's not too bad. Not too bad. I like those dynamiters. Now, we've done these before, but I don't think we've done this before specifically. So have a little look at this. See what you think. Oh, my word.

Oh, yeah. What do we got? These are tangy zangy, soft and chewy candy, hot chili, lime, watermelon, tamarind, mango, natural colors and flavors. So these are also Mexican, I believe. I've not ever seen these in my life. No, I've not. That's complete.

So they're like Sour Patch Kids. Yeah. But they're hot chili Sour Patch Kids. Yeah. Now, we've had Indian gummies that had chili. They were Pakistani, I've not that's complete. So they're like sour patch kids. Yeah, but they're hot chili sour patch kids Yeah, now we've had Indian gummies that actually they were Pakistani I believe and they're called chili Millie's and they were nice They are very nice chili Millie's. Yeah, I'm intrigued by these. Yeah, you can crack them open Yeah We've had a few chili gummies and they've been alright not as nice as the Millie's so I'm interested what these are like Oh, these are interesting. What's the huff they're kind of shredded oh they're not they're

like laces yeah the the packaging the the picture on the packaging is is not is misleading oh the huff is all nuanced in strange ways um they're actually fairly flavorless really that's a shame eat it just stop sniffing the bag. It's like watching a horse eat. Like Sour Patch Kids, which I think you get here. Yeah. Yes. The sugary on the outside is actually citric acid.

Yeah. And this is actually sugar. They're not sour. They're not sour. No. The sourness is bad. They're not particularly sweet. And then they just have a little bit of nondescript heat at the end. It's just like generic hot.

Yeah. You're right. Absolutely. Almost no flavor of any discernible type. There's some heat at the end. But it doesn't, it's like three distinct movements. I think I'm going to have three distinct movements after eating all of this.

You're okay for. I shouldn't have talked to swallow. It's got a nice bit of heat. It's not too sweet. I just think the flavor lets it down. It's really nondescript. So there you go. Tangy Zangy, which also sounds like a really bad character from Street Fighter.

Which just sounds like a, what the hell is his name? Who did the Wango? The Tango? Ted Nugent. It's like a bad Ted Nugent song. I don't think we've ever dropped the Ted Nugent reference in the show. The Zanga. Isn't he a fascist?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. Full on. Full on head injury fascist. Did he have a head injury and then he went fascist? Uh-huh. That's what happens. It does.

You ask Leslie Crowther. He's dead, Paul. Who's the footballer Who believes in lizard people? David Icke Yeah, he had like 40 head injuries Yeah Before or after

Him proclaiming himself Son of Christ Before Yeah, would be That catch Oh, the guy who got kicked In the head every day For 10 years

Believes there are lizard people I'm with him There's no proof to say He's not right That's true Alright I'm still on the fence It's a Jewish conspiracy

Is it? I don't know I think he is, yeah That Icke's It's true. It's true. I'm still on the fence. It's a Jewish conspiracy. Is it? I don't know. I think he is, yeah. The Ikes. It's like, the thing about... The lizards are the Jews. The David Ike thing is interesting is because to a certain point,

you go, he's got a point. He talks about how the rich keep the rich protected and there's all these governments in the Barabek group. And you think, all right, David. Then he goes,

and of course the Jews are lizards. You go, oh. You had an interesting point of view and then you went all racist. Yeah. Right, we're going to come off

the hot stuff for a little minute and I'm going to offer you these, Mr. Silverman. Oh, these are a classic vending machine snack.

Yeah. These are snack packs. I got these from a vending machine. Keebler, and they've got a little leprechaun or something on them.

Yeah, the Keebler elf. He's an elf, sorry. Keebler is a very big producer of cookies and some savory crackers, but mostly sweet cookies in America. Oh, are they Chocs Ahoy or whatever it is?

No, that's Chips Ahoy. But Keebler has a cult cookie called E.L. Fudge that people, and Magic Middles. Those were their two cookies that they are out of production that people, there's like millions of websites on the- Why don't they just do it? Bring them back. I don't know. Magic Middles were amazing. In this country, we had Whisper Bars,

which were brought back by popular demand. Yeah, because cabarets were like, we've got nothing else to promote, so let's just bring out Whisper again. And talking of things being brought back, have you heard the Usborne Book of Ghosts is coming back? So we'll be able to buy a copy of that. Have you seen this?

I have a copy of that. Yeah, I've got a copy of that as well. That was literally central to the life of my imagination as a child. It's actually funny how, just in terms of people I know and who I talk to, they've all come across that book in one time. I have most of the series of the Osborne books. Oh, because they did UFOs and Mysteries as well, didn't they? And they did monsters like werewolves and things like that.

I would literally buy all of those. Well, you've seen the one I've got because the one I've got is like a book that combines all three of them into one. It's an omnibus, yeah.

It has that kick-ass skull on the front with the eyes in. Oh, yeah. It's like the Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World, the Crystal Skull. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to buy another copy. It's always nice to have another copy. Yeah, it's good to have a borrowing copy. One for the car.

One for the car, one for the toilet, one for the bath. One to scare random children with on public transport. So this is a Keebler toast and peanut butter. What? So they're like little, I guess you'd call them...

Crackers? Crackers, yeah. They're not sweet with peanut butter inside. So like saltine crackers with peanut butter inside. Or Ritz. We would call these Ritz crackers. Well, Ritz is buttery. It's similar though, wouldn't you say?

It's sort of similar. Similar kind of makeup to the biscuit. And this is toast and peanut butter. What are they talking about? Toast is a process. Toast isn't a thing that you put inside a cracker. It's a description of the process that happens to bread. But the bread becomes toast. It becomes the

process. It becomes what it's experienced. Yeah, so maybe it's becoming toast. But very well. But how are they... You explain to me what they mean then by toast and peanut butter. I'll tell you something. I've eaten Keebler my whole life

out of many vending machines. I've never actually seen it called toast and peanut butter. You have found a rare Keebler here, Paul. I mean, I don't know about that. I don't think I've found, like, the Rosetta Stone of snacks. I think they mean the flavor is toast, because the other one are cheese-flavored crackers with peanut butter inside.

Yeah. And so the flavor of the biscuit is toast. I believe so. Crazy. So the other ones we've got are, as you said, excuse me, cheese and peanut butter. I think the Slim Jim and cheese. Those are the classic.

That's the classic one. It's a cheddar cheese flavored biscuit with peanut butter inside. It's like sandwich cookies. That looks good. It'll be a bit crumbly when you open it, so just be careful. Okay. So we're going to start with the toast and peanut butter, shall we? You do whatever you want, love.

While you're open, Magic Middles were basically chocolate chip cookies with a liquid chocolate center. were basically chocolate chip cookies with a liquid chocolate center. And I don't know what cancer-causing chemical process they used to get the liquid, but they were amazing. The old fudge were shaped like the Keebler Elf. They were like a

butter cookie, but then the back was all chocolate. That sounds good as well, actually. I want to know. Paul, are you going to taste one of these, are you? Of course. Ken, going to have this one. You're going to taste one of these, are you? Yeah, of course. Ken, do you want a toast of peanut butter? When I was a kid, my dad would make me go to garages and do man places with him.

This would be my lunch. In a little box of Five Alive. That's nice. Nice little dry. Yeah. Very dry. With a cup of milk. Yeah.

Cup of milk, hot sunny day, Oreo speed wagon on the radio. Oh, come off it. What, are you taking a picture? This is a big lunchbox. Like, this would be a snack you'd put in your kid's lunchbox

if you loved them enough to give them food. If you loved them enough to give them food. That was nicer than I thought it was going to be. There's a distinct sort of taste of like Skippy peanut butter.

Yeah, it's cheese and peanut butter. Yeah. Okay. This one shouldn't work, but I love these. The cheese and peanut butter. I've never had that combo. People swear by it. Have you ever had ants on a log?

I know what it is, but no. Hum it and I'll sing. It's a classic snack food. You take a stock of celery, fill it with peanut butter, and then put raisins on top. Stop that right now. Paul, talking of raisins with fucking savory food. Fuck. I saw this picture.

Well, no, it was an actual packet of Bombay Mix the other day. Yeah. And it had like a close-up of like a photo of the contents. Right. It's a filthy, disformed, shriveled raisin poking out. Like they're proud of it or something. Anyway, I've got a thing against fruit. Don't like raisins.

Raisins. You don't like fruit and savories. Yeah. It's a league. It's a league again. Peshawari naan you don't like. Fuck peshawari naan and the horse it rode in on. Put a nice little pocket.

You could fuck peshawari naan and the horse it rode in in. Put a nice little pocket. You could fuck Peshawari naan. Yeah, you let it cool down and then have you got off your soapbox now? Do you want to eat the other one?

Let's open these. We've got a few more things to get through. I just don't like raisins in savoury dishes, man. What sweet dish

would you like them in? Like a bread and butter pudding? Oh yeah, lovely. Yeah. I think I prefer this to the toast

one. I do. I definitely do. It really works. There's more going on. There's more going on. I prefer this to the toast one. I do. I definitely do. It really works. Yeah. Mmm. There's more going on. There's more going on.

It doesn't overwhelm either flavor. No. Nice. Oh, that's a good snack. That's a starchy bite. That's the classic vending machine snack. If you're going to get one thing out of a vending machine, the Keebler cheese and peanut butter is the one you always get.

I think that's my favorite item today. Is it? Yeah. So far. Hold on to your bollocks. We've got a few more things to get through. Okay. The penultimate.

Oh, God. I told you it was going to go spicy. 7-Eleven Select. 7-Eleven Select is their store brand. Yeah. Got you some store brand nuts. And we've got two little long packs of nuts here. Yeah.

Flavored jumbo peanuts. One wasabi soy and ghost pepper. Ghost chilies are the hottest chilies in the world. Not anymore. No? No. Why? What is replacing it?

Well, you've got the Carolina Reaper and Trinidad Scorpions. Okay. So ghost peppers were. Those all sound like gangs. They all do sound like gangs. The ghost peppers, the Trin dead scorpions are rumbling no they just do this and they click fingers at each other in the street my uh my old barber had the greatest phrase that i've never heard before since and i want more people to use it he said uh the guy was so scared he shit out his own ghost

please make the hashtag yeah and that's what i think of when i think of ghost chilies yeah yeah ghost chilies were the hottest in the world circa sort of 2015 right but they have a nice flavor oh lovely delicious flavor yeah delicious flavor and they are basically a variant of naga chilies uh which uh were big in India. High Scoville units. Extremely high Scoville units. Mark Allen, friend of the show and noodle reviewer. Innie. I went to see his show about things.

He has a storytelling show about a guy doing a chili eating contest. And he does, part of the act is he puts on a Mexican wrestler's mask and he eats a chili live on stage. Luchador. I love me some luchador masks. Is that right at the very end of the show? Yeah, but he uses a chili live on stage. Luchador. I love me some luchador masks. Is that right at the very end of the show? Yeah, but he uses a sort of prop chili. It's like a normal, you know. It's still a chili. Have you ever had real wasabi?

Yeah. Because most wasabi is just mustard powder with green food coloring. Anyway. Hey, do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know how fucking rude it is to point? How dare you? Do you know what a Congo player is called in Spanish? Annoy annoying a con conguero conguero that's what i want to be i want to be a conguero why don't you be a luchador called the conguero that would be so bad or bongos yes and your finishing move is like you just keep i play the bongos on some big bald guy's head

well you can live the dream of that one comedy night we did ten years ago when I slapped the bald guy's head on stage when you slapped the bald guy's head on stage you lived the Benny Hill dream I so did

it's still it's just making me feel warm inside the point is that there's not much of a huff on the wasabi no no

the ghost pepper I'm gonna pass the nuts alright that's fine I'm gonna pretend it's a duchi participation is an obligation yeah not much

just no very weak but how's the flavour on the wasabi one I would have pretended it's a duchi. Participation is an obligation. Yeah. Not much. Just feel like peanuts. Very weak. But how's the flavor on the wasabi ones? Fine. It's very mild wasabi. Oh, we're not impressed. No. They've got fuck all.

And they're peanuts. They're all peanuts? Yeah. They're actually quite hot, actually. Wow. Oh, they're actually quite hot. But it's like self-defense hot, not like culinary hot. Yeah.

Yeah. They're not that hot. Wait. not like culinary hot. Yeah. Yeah. They're not that hot. Wait. Give it a minute. Oh. Yeah. It's starting to kick in now. But with none of the ghost chili flavor, probably.

It's got no flavor. It's just a sort of pure heat. So it's probably just a pepper extract and not even ghost pepper. Yes. Almost definitely. And it's just pain. Yeah. It's just pain.

Pointless pain. Yeah. Yeah. No flavor. Lots of pain. I did not like that. Did you try the wasabi one? I should have tried the wasabi first. It's just pain. Pointless pain. Yeah. Yeah. No flavor. Lots of pain. I did not like that. Did you try the wasabi one? I should have tried the wasabi first.

Now that your mouth has been scorched. I think you'll just find those really pleasant and quite soft. I'm not going to give an objective view of these wasabi. You know what would be nice? Maybe peanuts in a matcha tea powder. Oh. Yes. Right?

I could see that. Well, how come we don't have that? Oh, they're nicer. The wasabi ones are nicer. They're more pleasurable to eat because they have a better flavour. More amplitude. Amplitude. Right, we're going to end this Cheap Eats section.

By which I mean they have a more rounded, complete flavour. Everyone who listens to this podcast knows exactly what I mean by amplitude. It's a buxom flavour. It's buxotic. And to complete our Cheap Eats section today, Mr. Silverman, look what I've got. Oh, Cheetos. Do you not get Cheetos here? No, we do, but we don't get this particular brand.

We don't get these crunchy ones. Wow. Cheetos here. We don't get these. They're down. These are knickknacks. They're more like knickknacks. Did you get Chester Cheeto here?

Yeah. Again, it was in the 90s when it kind of first came over. It was everywhere. Can you shed some light on this? Chester's is a different brand in the Cheetah here? Yeah. Again, it was in the 90s when it kind of first came over. It was everywhere. Can you shed some light on this? Chester's is a different brand in the States, right? No. We don't have Chester's. I don't know what Chester's is. I've seen Chester's in Florida.

It might be like a weird regional thing. But what is Chester's then? They're like hot fries. Okay. We had Andy Cap hot fries. As in Newcastle drunk? Yes. They're cool.

I've had those. Andy Cap hot fries are also in Newcastle drunk? Yes. They're cool. I've had those. Andy Cap hot fries are also a vending machine staple. Out of all the things that have ever translated to American market, it always surprised me Andy Cap was one of them. Oh, yeah. Everyone would know who Andy Cap is, at least from the hot fries. How strange. Because it was syndicated in papers.

No, it was like a three-panel strip. And it's in all the papers. It's always the same. He's out drinking, and she's there with's always the same he's out drinking you know and she's there with the rolling pin it's a classic it's an American kind of

his accent doesn't read I guess I guess that's true because they would have changed that but to me it always felt like such a very particularly

British character but I guess no it's not and you have lots of characters like that in America as well like there was a sitcom

of Andy Capp no there was a sitcom in the I want to say 90s based on Andy Capp and it starred

one of the likelyly Lads. Bowlin Bowlin. Whatever happened to him? Whatever did happen to the Likely Lads? No, he did the joke, Paul, and then you tried to own it. It's what you always does. That's what comedians do. Fucking stepping on everyone's shit.

They did an Andy Cap animated special in America. But there was a live action sitcom in the UK around, I want to say late 80s, maybe early 90s. Really, it should be starring the singer from ACDC. Yeah. I tell you, we would have been a good Andy Cap. Bob Hoskins. No. Too fat.

Fuck off, Dan. It's too cockney. Anyway, what are we eating today? This is the highlight, Paul. Nice find. Thank you. This is Cheetos Crunchy Extra Flaming Hot. Now, I love Flaming Hot

Cheetos, personally. Yeah. And I had, last time I was in the States, I had Cheetos Popcorn. Oh, yeah. God. Oh, baby, yeah. So it's just popcorn with the Cheetos cheese flavouring. And Cheetos in it. Yeah, they mix it up. It's orange.

That's all you're necessarily... And then you can get butter on that. That, no, that is violent. At the cinema? Yeah, at the cinema, yeah. Fucking great. And then I watched Into the Spider-Verse. I saw that.

Yeah, what did you think? I enjoyed it a lot. Into the Spider-Verse is fantastic. Yeah. It's the best Marvel movie. I would argue it's the best Spider-Man movie by a long shot. Well, Spider-Man 1, Raimi's Spider-Man 1 is pretty fucking good if you go back and watch it. I have and that's when I was like, Spider-Man 2 because Doc Ock and it's a much better story.

But Into the Spider-Verse, I will go to my grave saying it's the best Spider-Man. I loved it. I was a comic book fan. The Bill Sinkowicz kingpin? Yeah, fucking excellent. I was surprised by how touched I was by the story, because even though you get to meet the other Spider people very reasonably briefly, you still kind of feel for the Japanese version. Spider-Ham is in it.

Peter Porker's in it. We needed more Spider-Ham, because I would have loved a bit more of that kind of, you know, Looney Tunes slapstick. On the Blu-ray and on the extras, if you buy it streaming, there's Spider-Ham shorts. I'm going to have to check that out. Yeah, they're like full-on Warner Brothers classic.

Oh, wow. Also, for the record, while I was on the plane, I saw Mary Poppins Returns. I liked that a lot. It was nice. It's a lovely film. I saw Lego Movie 2. And I saw- Lego Ninjago, I think, was the best Lego movie.

Oh, I've not seen that. Okay, and the last one I watched was San and Ollie. Oh, that hasn't come out over here No it has it's been out for ages It's not remarkable you know exactly where it's going to go It's one of those you know biopics Where you see but it's beautifully acted Good performances

John C Reilly John C Reilly is just amazing But the fact that he can do that And like Chicago and Steve Brule That's why he's such a great actor, that guy. Anyway, these are Cheetos Extra Flaming Hot, twice as hot. So these are the equivalent of the Samyang Two Times Spicy that the Dragon made us eat. Yes, yes.

This is like Die Hard 2, Die Harder. Yeah. And I hope it's not like a good day to die hard which still makes me fucking angry I am so angry that sounds like a rejected slogan

for Viagra whereas live free and die hard is a bit more accurate yeah now I love the normal Cheetos Crunchy Flamin' Hot I think they're a classic

an absolute classic one of the best crisps ever and you can light them on fire they're so chemical I did that didn't I we did it on the show you lit one on fire and it was disappointing

if your car breaks down and you don't have road flares you can just light up a road and use yeah they're very red again but it's a red that does not occur in nature no

no do they not seem particularly extra hot? They don't seem particularly extra hot to me. No. No. I mean, I actually really like them. Yeah. They're a nice snack. They're still delicious. They have a nice cheese flavour. There's some heat at the end. Yeah.

A little bit of warm. I'm not noticing more heat than with a normal... Yeah, you need to do it side by side. I should have bought another pack to compare. Also, those ghost peppers, they were pretty hot. I mean, not in a good way, as we said, but they kind of ruined it for me to sort of be able to calibrate in my mind how hot they are. Here's the thing about that heat from these Cheetos.

It lingers. It doesn't increase, but it just hangs around a long time. It's a sustained warmth. Oh, it's nice. But as you eat a pack, they'll probably eat, you know, build and get on. I mean, better than the nuts. I could eat a pack of those Cheetos and not these nuts.

Yeah. No, the nuts were bad. Now, let's have a little recap of what we had. We had the Slim Jim beef and cheese. Yeah, I quite like that. I know. The Alberto can fuck off. Fucking terrible.

And then what did we have after that? Chili tango, chili, chili. Just, they were okay, I guess. They weren't flavourless. Not as good as the chili millis. No, not at all. Which we had before. Highly recommended.

Which are Pakistani. I think they'd be quite hard to get hold of. Then we had Doritos, Sabritas, Dynamita, Chili Lemon, Lemon. As red as a butcher's slab.

And those, I like that, whatever they call them. Yeah. I don't know what the actual term, the sort of generic term for a rolled up. Taquito. Taquito. Taquitos. There we go. Thank you.

Then we had the crunchy biscuit things, the toast crackers. We had Keebler with the Keebler elf. What's he got in his hand there? It's a knife. What the fuck is he doing? What is he doing? He's very phallically pointing the knife. Yeah.

What does he need a knife for? Everyone used to make fun of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions by saying he looked like the Keebler Elf. Yeah, fair enough. So we had two from them, toast and peanut butter, which were quite nice, sandwich crackers. But the king of the Keebler... Oh, it was your favourite, was it?

Cheese and peanut butter sandwich crackers. So is that getting your... Which have the Cheetos orangeness about them, which comes off on your fingers and gets on your knob end. Again, bit TMI. What do you mean, bit TMI? I'm sorry, do I want to know about you rubbing Cheez-Its on your fingers and gets on your knob end when you're here. Again, bit TMI. What do you mean, bit TMI? Oh, I'm sorry. Do I want to know about you rubbing Cheez-Its on your dick?

You do. No, I don't want to hear about it. Me rubbing Cheez-Its on my dick is what pays your bills. Cheez-Its and not Cheez-Nips. Did you get Cheez-Nips? No. Oh, yeah. I would like Cheez-Nips.

No, I know you would like Cheez-Nips. Cheez-Nips are the rip-off Cheez-Its. Oh, it's a real thing. Yeah, no, it's a real thing. I thought it was just a sex thing. You always do. And then we had the most disappointing things with the nuts. The 7-Eleven.

All 7-Eleven. 7 Select is the brand, isn't it? 7-Eleven's not great. It's not great. No. It's functional. If you're driving for hours and you come across one and you pick some up, yeah, fine. There's better.

Circle K is better. Yeah. Anyway, you don't get 7-eleven in this country anymore the greatest of all those is based in philadelphia it's called wawa oh and it is glorious well if anyone's listening and they can go to a wawa and send us a par par in our po then uh i don't know that was was a good one, yeah, Paul. Edit that out, yeah. It all stays in. And then we had Cheetos. Cheetos Crunchy Extra Hot, which were delicious.

I love those. Thanks, Paul. Nice bit of cheap eats. That was a mammoth USA cheap eats. Now on to the next section. Are you recording, by the way? I am, yes. I might just finish off this Alberto.

You're going to finish off the sausage? You can finish off the sausage. Mate, finish off the sausage. Is it time for Gander's Golden Games? Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for... No, you know what? Stop. No, stop. You don't need to do it anymore. I'll just stop. No, stop.

Stop. You don't need to do it anymore. I will not stop. You don't need to do it anymore. I will not. No. You gave me a chance. I want to take this chance. I regret that chance.

Hooray. Is that someone specific that you're doing there? No, no. It's me. It's all Eli. God, it's me. It's all Eli. GAREN'S GOLDEN GAME! No, it's all Eli all the fucking time. So, hello, welcome to Garen's Golden Games, part of the show where I find a board game and we play it.

It's really disturbing to have you munch on that sausage in my ear as I'm trying to explain this. Sorry, you carry on. Yeah, can I? Thank you. So, as you know, I have a thing about buying board games based on TV shows, specifically TV game shows. So we've done The Price is Right,

we've done... What have we done? What? I'm going to go to games! Yeah, what have we done? We've done a load, haven't we? We've done games! I'm going to go to games!

Games! I am going to fucking punch you. No, you won't. I will. No, you fucking won't. There'll be a moment on this show, at one point in the video, where you'll go,

and then there'll be an awkward moment, and then there'll be a little bit of you. Yeah, it'll be an awkward moment when your life ends, as I walk out of it, for the final time. You'll come back. I'll end your life.

You'll come back to me. You always do. Just, just, let me just say one You always do. Just, just, let me just say one thing. Yeah. Let's go games! Have you quite fucking finished?

Let's go games! Anyway, we've done balls, we've done prices right, we've done bloody Stop! The more you list games, the more I want to say

Gannon's Golden Games. Okay, then I will refrain. We've done lots of games. We'll refrain from Gannon's Golden Games, alright? This time out,

I got a board game I've been trying to get hold of for a while. I couldn't get it in charity shops. Saw it online for a tenner and I bought it. And it is the Crystal Maze board game. Oh, and it's a doozy, Paul. I'm looking at your Golden

Game now and it's got all different areas, all the quadrants. I'm just going to show the box to the camera. Paul, I played the interactive version of the live experience. Yes, in London and in

Manchester as well now, you can do Crystal Maze Experience Live where you and a bunch of people can form a team and do all the things you see on the TV show. It's fun. But, do you know what Crystal Maze is? You're very reasonably aware of it. Yeah, I used to watch Crystal Maze reruns when I lived here. They were on like some digital cable channel oh right so broadcast on channel four in the united kingdom the crystal maze was originally aired over six series and five crystal

specials between 1919 1995 hosted by richard o'brien did he do all of them he was replaced at one point he was replaced twice ed tudor pole yes uh For a few seasons Throw in the baby Yes I went to Bathwater What is the band he did? Ten Pole Tudor Thank you very much It's in his name I think when they were recasting it

he went Do we know anyone else who's flamboyant and wears a lot of frilly things Yeah Ed Tudor-Pole does it Was he the only

other one? Yeah Just those two I believe so and then when it came back it was briefly done with Stephen Merchant for a one-off

for Stand Up For Cancer and then now the series is hosted by because they revamped it and brought it back I've got this idea I believe so. And then when it came back, it was briefly done with Stephen Merchant for a one-off for Stand Up For Cancer. Okay. And then now the series is hosted by, because they revamped it and brought it back. Why do I keep, I've got this idea that the guy out of King. Yeah, King may have done it. Paul King? Yeah, the guy out of King. Let me have a look here, because it has a list of hosts. What was King's song?

It went, uh... Golden! What's it? No, it was like a, it was like a stuttery... Yeah, he had one tune. That was it. Like, I can't remember. Paul, you're going to have to look that up. No, it doesn't say he presented it at all.

It's the fucking Mandela effect in here. Not Mandela. Is it Mandela effect? Yeah. Oh no, because you always say it wrong. You keep saying the Mandala effect. I didn't then though, did I? No, I know. That's what threw me off. I was about to correct you, but you'd already done so. So, apparently, and I didn't know this, it was originally based on

a french program fort boyard which came after they made eventually a british version of fort boyard channel five with leslie grantham and tom baker did it at some point as well leslie grantham didn't paul baker do i mean paul baker do uh nothing have you seen talking of um cult sort of 60s Brit horror, have you seen The Mutants with Tom Baker? Fucking great. But it was called something else in the US.

Yeah, yeah. Love that. I absolutely love that. And that's got one of my favourite character names of all time. Yeah. And that is? John Croydon. There's a Popeye guy in that.

Yeah, yeah. King's song was, That's what my heart years for now Love and pride The best part about that song is it starts off and he goes Anyway, they didn't present the show.

Maybe he should have. He fucking should have. Crystal Maze is a game show where contestants run around four areas themed differently and play a collection of challenges that are either physical, mental... Okay, that'll do. Psychological. Logical. No, you get physical, mental, knowledge.

Urinary, endocrine, skeletal, and muscular. And ears, nose, and throat. Yes. And you collect crystals. Each crystal gave you time in the crystal dome to win as many gold tickets as you could.

And at the end of the day, if you were successful, you won a day out in Croydon doing an assault course day or something daft like that. Croydon? It was always something really shit.

It was always like... Captain Sensible's hometown. Was it? Yeah, he's got a song called Croydon. So we're going to play the board game, is the point.

It's complete. It's all in one piece. To be fair, would you know if it wasn't complete yeah because it's a big list of things on the back that says believe me he's proper nerdy i do the research i don't buy he's got a problem a board game problem mate you have a vinyl problem so don't even know i've got i have a problem you've got we're talking about fucking problems you have a sex doll is that the the vinyl problem? No She walked out on him She felt deflated by their relationship

Someone just closed down bone school So I'm going to be The maze master I'm going to be Richard O'Brien Follow me Did you ever watch the movie White's Experience?

Yes. So you know that one sketch where they do the crystal maze? Yeah. All right. Come along. Come along. Follow me.

Come along. Come along now. Here we are. Here we are in the industrial zone. How many crystals have we got? One.

Frankly, that's rubbish. Right. Who wants to play a game? You do. Yes! Now, what sort of game do you want? An incredibly easy game? Yes! Yes! Right, OK, this is the making a cup of tea game. We've got two minutes in. Go now. Go on! Go on! cup of tea game we've got two minutes in to go now i can't see what i have to do i think you have to pour out a cup of tea

i'm coming it does feel like that sometimes when you're watching the crystal maze you sometimes think to yourself why are they this stupid but me and you will contest that because we've done the live experience once you're in it's not as easy as it looks you panic yeah you panic and you can't see the whole room i guess it's paul do you see this black mark on my fingernail yes yes that is literally literal proof of how difficult that i hurt myself doing the crystal maze did you and that's this is the after effect my fat belly set off a laser how many strippers do you think go by Crystal Maze right now? Oh, what as a name? Yeah.

I don't know. I wonder how many go by Fort Boyard. Not as many. I'm going to guarantee that. Quite a few will go by Richard O'Brien. Yeah. No, Crystal Maze. I don't think Maze.

You don't want to say Maze, do you? Because it makes the sort of prospective punter feel like they would, you know, get lost. Yeah, it's not something... I don't know. I think it sounds exotic. It's not like she's called Hedgemaze. It's probably more descriptive, though. No, it's probably more descriptive.

Right, so we're going to play. It's going to be Ken versus Eli. I believe Eli is red. I'm red. And Ken is green. Not that it matters because it's an audio podcast. And this looks like Logan's run the game. It does.

It is. The artwork I really like on the front of this. Now, it looks like Star Trek or something like that. Ken, you said that's probably been sort of sketched from someone else's work. I bet it's been reappropriated from some stuff. The way I judge board game covers that are artwork, especially from a movie or TV show, is would I get that airbrushed on the side of a van? And I would absolutely get that airbrushed on the side of a van.

It had to be a purple van. It has to have neon strip lights below it. Because they did. There was a whole thing where video games would steal movie poster art, wouldn't they? Like Contra, I believe, was based on. Was it Commando? Yeah. Something like that. The poses and things. And they would steal it for, I believe, was based on, was it Commando? Yeah. Something like that.

The poses and things and they would steal it for that. So you write comic book artists do it, don't they, as well? They will trace someone else's work. And Disney do it

to their own work all the time. Disney would often literally take the same cells and just redraw Tarzan over Snow White. Superman 4 has got reused

footage from Superman 1. They had to because there was no fucking budget on that film at all. That looks bad. And actually if you

just pass me that thing very briefly. Oh yes we also have a handheld game. It's a Crystal Maze LCD. Yeah. I don't think it's

by Tiger. Tiger! It's a Tiger game. Is it? I don't think it is. I don't know who it's by. Does it look like a

Tiger game? But it's the same artwork. You can see they've basically kind of re-appropriated some of the artwork for the thing.

Oh it's actually the same artwork from the board game. But effectively, this LCD game is the Game & Watch Mario Brothers game. You know the whole jump? It's basically that. It's like a platform game. You jump across and you've got to escape it in a certain amount of time. So they're doing it with games as well. They just copy a game.

Yeah, so we'll do this another time. But for now, we're going to start the thing. So let's play the Crystal Maze. right so we're going to take it we're going to just play this for 20 minutes we're not going to go around the board what we're going to do is just for 20 minutes. We're not going to go around the board. What we're going to do is just play game by game by game. And if you get it wrong because there's a timer, you lose your chance. And then after 20 minutes, whoever's got the most crystals gets to play the game where you've got to shake as many gold tickets out of the box as possible.

Let's do it. All right? Yeah. So who wants to go first? Let our guests go first. Okay. So what do you need me to do? So we're going to just go pick a zone.

So do you want to start in Aztec, medieval, futuristic, or industrial? Let's go industrial. Because I did love my industrial music. All right, industrial. So you're going to play this game that I already stated before we started recording. It's almost impossible to play because you've got this little arm and it has to swing around and grab a little red thing here. And then deposit it in this yellow box. Okay.

And you have a minute to do that. So I'm going to hand you it now. And you're going to... Oh, do it from over here. Yeah. Okay. Okay. and you have a minute to do that. So I'm going to hand you it now, and you're going to... Oh, do it from over here. Yeah. Okay. We're going to try and do it that way.

Okay. All right, all right. I'm going to put these here, because the little... Oh, okay. Okay, I see. And then they have to go in there. You can hold things down.

You can hold the base. It's all right. All you do is you can't really touch those red things. Do I have to wear all my clothes when I do this? Yes. So you remove restrictive clothing? He wants to be nude with you, Paul. No, nudity is not necessary.

There's restrictive clothing. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I'm going to pull this out. Ooh. Oh. Here we go. All right.

You have. As long as it takes to take the time out. I think it's about a minute. Go. Look, he's going in. This doesn't move. He's trying to swing it. Oh, you have. As long as it takes to take the time out. I think it's about a minute. Go! Look, he's going in. He's trying to swing it. Oh, I see. Okay.

Yeah, you see? Yeah, see, it's almost impossible. So what I'm going to do is give you a chance. You can connect one of those to the armature. When they fall over, are you done? Is that how it works? Yeah, essentially, you'd be all over by now. That is a terrible design.

This is one of the worst things I've ever seen. I mean, that's not true. But that armature is sideways. They don't fit. No, they don't. That's the other bloody problem. So how the hell would you even do it? I don't know.

Put the top. Oh, the top, the top. There you go. Oh, okay. So now swing it around and try and put it in the little pocket. If you can get one in, I'll give you a crystal. All right. But then how do you release it?

You have to slide it in. Has it happened? As you put it in. Yay! happened? Has he put it in? Yay! Come out! Come out! Come out! Oh, you get a crystal. That's exciting, isn't it? I was very generous, but here's your first crystal.

Oh! That was the thing. That was the bloody thing. When I got my one and only crystal when I did the live interactive, he didn't have a crystal. Because they'd just opened the day before, so they hadn't stocked it with a crystal. These look so much like candy,

there's no way kids didn't eat these. There's no way. They definitely, at some point, ended up in a nose and down a throat. What's the age range on this game, Paul? 41 to 64. Eight years and up You could trust an 8 year old not to

Well, can you? I wasn't allowed to play Mousetrap because my sister cheated And I shoved the thing that the little net came down on Up her nose That is Saw level torture Well, I read that the Egyptians would take people's brains out that way Worrying information.

Eli, right? I'm ready. Where would you like to go? I'd like a pee, please, Bob. No, this is not Fluffbuster. No, he has to go to the bathroom. No, I do need a pee. What zone would you like to go to?

There's medieval. Medieval. Medieval. Medieval, Aztec, industrial, or futuristic? Futuristic, please. You're right, you want to go futuristic. It's a spaceship. This is a spaceship with two little metal balls in.

Now, here's what you've got to do, apparently. You've got to put one ball... Is this also physically impossible? No, this is possible, but it's a fiddly bastard. All right. So, I'm just going to show the camera this very briefly. So, you've got this rocket ship that has a maze on the inside. Yeah. And two balls at either side of the maze. You've got to get them both into the middle and settle in the two little divots in the middle. Within a minute. Yeah. So, I'm going to carefully, slowly pass you that. And then I'm going to turn the crystal maze over.

Here we go. Go! Did the crystal maze have sand in it on the real show? Oh, yeah. Plenty of sand. Only in the Aztec zone, though. I remember when I went to the live experience how much fun it was. They recreated all those zones for the TV show.

You get to crawl into a time loop zone and go through to the futuristic. This one is a classic little chintzy game you'd get in a cracker. Yeah. It's bullshit, yeah. But I think I'm

maybe approaching you're halfway through. Some of these are also designed for people with little... Oh, he's done it! Oh, that's very impressive! Yeah, what?

Come out! Was that my little fat hands? Yeah, Paul. Did they do some fucking finger work there? Yeah. It's designed for tiny children's hands.

Can I state something? What? It took me about 15 minutes to do what I did it last night. You did it in under a minute. Yeah, so what are these fat hands good for? Let me shake your hand, and I will never, from this point on in the podcast, criticize your fat, stumpy marshmallow man hands.

All right? I won't do that. If this was a Doctor Who episode, we'd be on an alien planet where to defuse the self-destruct it was that exact thing and we need to have you do it. Yeah, we literally need Eli to do that. Why have I got a shit crystal? What do you mean?

It looks like a fucking lemon from a doll's house. Yeah, that's a lemon head. Here, you can have the good crystal. Thank you, that's very gracious of you. Yeah, that's a crystal. It's gone now. Don't drop any crystals. Don't swap crystals round. It's not a swapping situation.

Well, they're still, they're counting. It's the 70s. It's swinging. That looks like a cubist lemon. This looks like a dud crystal. Yeah, shit. Paul, shit crystal work. Are they all different? Oh, I gave you an orange one. That's my fault. Bye, bye. Give me? There just seems to be another game. No, that's the orange one. Did I give you... Oh, I gave you an orange one. That's my fault.

Bye, bye. Where is it? Alright, it's for another game. What other game? It's another game. Alright, there we go. You're happy? Pop a fucking crystal.

You're as bad as the guy. You didn't get a fucking crystal on the live show. I know. I'm not getting a crystal now. Fucking hell. Right, Ken, where do you like to go to next?

We've got... You've got the futuristic, like to go to next? We've got, you've got the futuristic, you've got medieval, and you've got the Aztec. Give me the Aztecs. All right, you do it. I get to rip someone's heart out. You need to sacrifice a child.

Play with a head. You have two choices now to play. Do you want to play the Mystery Maze or do you want to play the Rise to the Top of the Aztec Pyramid? Mystery Maze. What are you... Where would you ask?

Mystery Maze is fun. Mystery Maze is also the name of a really dodgy stripper, I think, as well. Oh, come on. We are so looking for them in Soho after this. I'm running around the... I feel like Richard O'Brien. I'm running around the studio. Oh, come on. Come on. We are so looking for them in Soho after this. I'm running around. I feel like Richard O'Brien. I'm running around the studio.

Look, I'm going. You suddenly become New Zealand-y. Yeah. So here's what we do with this one, right? I put a crystal in the maze right at the top

and all you've got to do is shake it around and try and get out. Oh, it's a kinetic maze. If you give up any time or you want to reset it, you can pull the whole thing out and the thing drops out,

and you can start from the top. Okay. I literally have this toy for my dogs with dog food in it. Is that what the dog has to figure out how to do? Yeah, the dog has to shake the thing until the food comes out. Do the dogs like it? They love it. Here it is.

Here it is. So I'm going to hand you that. Okay. Here's the crystal. When I start the timer, you can put the crystal in the top, and you've just got to basically shake it out. you ready i'm ready three two one stop the clock so i can see he's been a lot of thoughts into this he's just giving it a wild shake there it's come out come out come out come out! Oh, you're doing very well. No one's been locked in so far.

I'm a master of lockpicks. Eli, we go straight to you now. Where would you like to go? You want to go medieval as well? Yeah, do I have to break down something? Well, you kind of do. In this game, what's going to happen is you get a little catapult and a little tower. And all you've got to do is fire the catapult at the shield below the window to knock the crystal off its perch and win it as a prize.

Gotcha. Now, I will say this. You'll be tempted to pull it back all the way and fire it, but that will launch it too hard. So you want to give it a jump. I knew some of this was going to happen. I love it. But you've got to give it a little.

Oh, yeah. Just don't go crazy. What about battering rams? Do I go down the rampart, suck you around there? Can you get some kind of disease? Go around there, go around there. Do I trudge through a moat?

Do you know what my favourite part of this podcast is? Very visual board games that don't translate well to an audio medium. You know, I mean, I've been doing podcasts for years and I didn't want to say anything. Yeah. But, yeah, usually that's not a good idea. I don't. Well, this podcasts for years and I don't want to say anything. Yeah. But yeah, usually

that's not a good idea. I don't. Well, this is why we're avant-garde in punk rock. Ooh! And it's Gowdy Gowdy. Theatre of the mind! Theatre of the mind!

So, here's your bloody thing. Okay. I'm ready. There are your two balls and I need to get you a crystal. Hang on. Oh, this is not as easy

as it sounds. Right, where's the bloody crystal? I've got to put it very carefully on the window ledge. Here. And I would suggest going further back because that does have a long fire. So, are you ready, Mr. Silverman? Do I only get two attempts? No, you can get as many as you can.

As many as I can in a minute. The timer runs out, which is starting now. I'm going to go for it. I'm going in. I'm going in, right? Here we go. I'm moving the mic out of the way. Here we go. You can go off mic for this. Here we go. Little gentle tips should do it. Let's see if you can get it in. Oh, almost. He's got the idea though. He doesn't need to do too aggressive a movement to win. This is a classic game as a kid you'd get. There was basketballs. Yes. This little basketball flip game.

Usually it's self-containing little kind of glass domes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want kids eating these. That one was too hard. I know. So, update. I've had two attempts. Refuse a crystal. Come on, already got your time runs running out. You're gonna get locked in. Come on, come on, get out runs running out. You're going to get locked in. Up you go. Come on, come on. Get out.

Get out. I'm coming out. No, he's not. He's coming. Oh, right. You dodged the lock in. You dodged the lock in. So no crystal there, unfortunately, for Mr. Silverman.

Reset the camera. That was bullshit. That lemon thing wasn't a crystal at all. You only ever fucking say that when you don't win. How dare you try and give us this shit as a crystal? Pretend it was my stick yeah that was

oh mate oh well there you go it would have come straight down my third attempt ladies and gentlemen right so straight out

with that in mind straight off with that in mind Ken what zone would you like to go to next what are the options you can try any

of the games you've already done except the games you've already won a crystal at so if you want to are the options? You can try any of the games you've already done, except the games you've already won a crystal at. So if you want to try the Space Rocket, you can. If you want to try the Catapult, you can.

If you want to try the other Aztec game. Let's do the other Aztec. Oh, this is a little bit tricky. Let's put the ass in Aztec. Now this one, this is a one-minute game. I can't do the impression of Richard O'Brien.

No, you've got a little... You look like the Keebler elf. Does he have a voice? Oh yeah. What was it? It's really standard where he's just like, I'm the Keebler elf. He's the head elf.

So he's like, come on, you guys, make that me elf fudge. Okay. So this is a little ball and you've got to get it up a pyramid, and it's a little bit tricky. Yep. Here we go. I'm going to hand this to you. It's a bit more sort of...

All right. Have a little look over the dome if you want. A bit more complicated than something you'd get in a Christmas cracker. Right. And your time starts now. Now, this takes a lot of skill and a lot of patience. It fell right off. It fell right off.

You over-egged it. Well, they fool you into thinking it's easier than it is. Yeah. There's a little trap right at the end where if you're not careful, you'll run off the top. Well, that's exactly what just happened, Paul. It's a tricky game. Often, I find the hardest part is getting it up the spout. Oh, shut up.

You're just trying. No, you know, because the first little ramp is hard to get up. You've got to get yourself a UTI. What's a UTI? Urinary tract infection. I've had one, got one, got the T-shirt, mate. You've got a urinary tract infection T-shirt? Yeah.

What would they call that? What's it called here? Sorry? Do they call it something different here? No, they just abbreviate it. We call them t-shirts. Oh, yeah. UTI shirts? Alright, yeah, there's no way

I'm doing this. No, we're out! Oh, it's locked in! Do I get killed now? You have to pay a crystal if you want to... Do I get the sweet release of death? You have to pay a crystal to get out. What if I don't sweet release of death? You have to pay a crystal to get out. I don't know. What if I don't want to get out? Just sit there. Are there like chicks

in here? There's no chicks in the Aztec zone. Right. There's no locking on this bloody game. Don't worry about it. We're all friends here. How long are we doing for time? Oh, seven minutes and I think we've played nearly all the games, Eli. Let's just curtail it. Alright, well Eli, how many games have you done each?

How many games have you done each? Two? That was my third. Can I have a third game? Let's go a third game then to try and see if you can match it, alright? Do you think I'll be able to do the Pyramid thing? Do you want to have a go at the Pyramid one? That's tough. But you were good with the Silver Balls. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. You were good with the Rocketship one.

Silver Balls. What do you want to do? Sometimes I'm called Silver Balls have an aptitude. Silver balls. What do you want to do? Sometimes I'm called silver balls by people. Are you? Yeah. Which specific people call you silver balls? Two people. Jane Swithins. Yeah, I've heard them.

And Robert Marky Mark. Wow. Yeah, the Marquis de Mark. Marky Mark, yeah. That was Paul Gallen levels of name invention, that was. It's like Jimmy Stiffy Stiff. Frank Crystal Mates. No, what was the one you did the other time?

It was Mike Sniffy Smith or something. It was that lame. And if there's a woman playing a wife in your mind, what's she called? Always Barbara. Barbara. Or Margaret. It's Barbara or Margaret. Ever seen the John cryer movie hiding

out no great movie uh he plays a stockbroker who's on the run from the mob so he goes back to high school to hide out uh keith coogan is in it as well but he makes up his name uh there's a coffee called maxwell house and he goes maxwell hauser that's his name in the movie cool max what's the film called hidingiding Out is it as good as action comedy 1989 yeah there's some really good like action in it as well

oh cool the theme song was Catch Me Now I'm Fallen by Pretty Poison which was a big hit because there's a lot of those kind of films like you know like

someone goes on the run and has to hide out like Nuns on the Run is a great example well there's a whole show Nuns on the Run is one of the US PG-13 movies with boobs in it

is it there's four whose boobs are in that? Oh, they go through the showers. Ah. I shall have to watch again and evaluate. All right, so do you want to... Let's get on with it.

There's a whole sort of sub-genre of people going back to high school. Adults going back to high school, wasn't there? Back to school. Yeah. What was that? Adam Sandler one? Did that have Dangerfield in it, back to school? Yeah, it did, yeah.

It actually came out 30 years ago, 35 years ago this week. There's also a great one called Plainclothes that was directed by the woman who made real genius okay it's fantastic real genius is the the with val kilmer and uh that's my favorite comedy of all time i need to i need to start writing down some real genius is so great we're all learning today what's the keanu the night before? The night before, yeah. I do like, for the record, Adventures in Babysitting one of my favourite films when I was a kid.

It's great. Elizabeth Shue I fell in love with in that movie. I like the whole Thor subplot with Beninson D'Onofrio. Beninson D'Onofrio? The best Thor? Beninson D'Onofrio.

I can't even say his fucking name. Well, that's your new go-to. What's this Adventures in Babysitting? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, yeah, it was good. I wish I'd seen it in the cinema. I love Nick and Nora's

Infinite Playlist. It's almost the exact same plot. Very similar. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it was good. And I saw it in the cinema. Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist. It's almost the exact same plot. Very similar. Almost the exact same plot. No Thor. And I actually enjoyed that. I like Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist. It's not really for me, because, you know, the audience and the music.

I got a thing for Kat Dennings, though. Yeah. She's cute. Is the only reason watching two broke girls? There's no reason to watch two broke girls. There's no reason. Do you want to do the last game, Dome? Can I?

Can I? Or do you want to just talk about 80s fucking movies? You just fucking started it! Well. Okay, so I've got to get it in the... You've got to get it all the way to the top of the pyramid. At the top of the pyramid. Are you ready?

Ready, John. Stop the clock. How's it going? Alright. How are we doing on the clock? Mumsy won't like this. Mumsy. He's been very delicate with it. Time, you're about half way through Mr Silverman, half way through. How's it going? I think it's going okay, I just don't want to rush it and... I don't want to worry you, but we're getting close to the end of the time. About 15 seconds left. Shit!

Oh, it's gone right into the... You were right, I'm not going to do it! Fucker! You've got a false sense of security and then you're screwed. Fuck a fucking tricky little fucker, innit? Fucking thing! It gets all sticky, it's broken is what it is,ul oh is it broken it's defective every time you win you're the king of something there might be some magnetism issues with the microphones yeah yes

exactly it's a rigged deck it's the will of the people that you've failed the time is off rigged deck does sound like a good action movie hero from like an 80s action movie excellent i'm a rigged deck i'm handing in my gun to Ben. Mate, that's brilliant. Right. We've done three games each. And what's the score? How many crystals have you got, Ken?

Two. Two. And how many do you have, Silverman? One. One. Well, then that means Ken's going into the dome first to get the crystals out. Okay, fair enough. And what you've got to do to change it is you take the timer out you take the little ball out and you replace it

all with tiny little tickets wow and really i have to say i like like the design and what they've done they've really tried to make it authentic yeah obviously when you play the board game you roll the you roll the ball inside the crystal maze and that acts like a dice so you can move around spots you can jump it's not bad. I can see people enjoying it. There's a modern version of this board game out now. They brought out a new version of the crystal maze board game. But is it like sex themed?

What is it about today? All the modern things are all about Samantha Fox's tits. You do realise Samantha Fox hasn't been really sexy since I made it. Samantha Fox is tits. You do realise Samantha Fox hasn't been really sexy since I made her. Samantha Fox is 70 years old. We've had many sexy ladies

since in the UK. And also, she's full lesbian. Great! She's full lesbian. Well, I'm just saying, you wouldn't have a chance with her. Mate, who knows? Love is love. Ken, you're going to have the time it takes for the timer to go round once. Which is a minute.

About so, yes. To shake as many of these out as possible. You know what we call egg timers in my family? What? Eggie woofter. That's true. I'm going to go ahead and say that's not true. No, that is...

I'll bet you money! Eggie woofter is what we would say is a fart. No, but we call that... See, I would go with vagina. You two have very weird issues. Eggie woofter! I'm not digging any deeper. Eggie Woofter.

Eggie Woofter. Right. Sorry, carry on. You can't just shake it like that. Heavy beef beef. Right. Because for every silver ticket that comes out,

it detracts one gold. There has to be some little bit of skill to get this out. So you're going to have to do your best to shake it out and not get too many gold. Okay. Not too many silver, sorry.

Okay. How long does he get? The timer, so a minute. Well, doesn't the amount of crystals that you have affect the amount of time? It doesn't. That's not in this board game. In the board game,

what the crystals mean is who gets to go first because the next person has less gold and silver. Oh, because you don't restock. I see. Yeah, okay. So basically,

whoever goes first gets the chance to get more gold. Well, thanks for explaining that, Paul. Thank you. I don't thank you very much. Right, so with that in mind, I'm going to hand you the crystal maze. Yep, yep, yep. And then, Eli, I'm going to ask you to keep an eye on the timer.

Okay. We're going in. Start the fans, please! Go! Right. You've got a gold out. Silver, two silvers. What are the ones I want?

Gold. It doesn't make any... You want the gold out. Yeah, but you can't just go willy-nilly at it. That's what it's asking you to do. It's asking you to be a little bit careful. Silver to silver what are the ones I want gold Your dad drunk yelling at you. Oh you want a crystal dome. I'll give you a goddamn crystal dome There's some of these white. Are they supposed to be silver? The bloody phone's going off. The bloody phone's going off.

Is that it? Is that 20 minutes? Yeah, that's fine. Right, and now we do... He's got loads of time. He's going to take all of them out. We don't know, do we? But he's doing well.

Shake your, shake your... Time. You're up. It's up. We're tied. We've tied it up. Count the silver and gold, and we'll see how many you got in the end.

Okay, I'll count the silvers. So I got... Oop, that's a gold. I got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 silvers. So those would get rid of 11 golds. Yes. There's 11 golds. Okay, so I get two golds at the end.

Two golds. So he has two once it's all been counted up. Yes, it's all been counted up. Okay. We did that nice and quickly. Lovely. I like that. So, Silverman, it is now your time to get into the crystal dome.

You're almost big enough to go in there anyway, aren't you? Shall I hand you my crystal? Yes, hand it in. Bloop. This is basically like a hamster wheel thing. Yeah, they're all like pet toys, aren't they? Right. Are you ready, Mr. Silverman?

I'm ready. Start the fans, please. Go. Now, what technique are you going to go? Are you going to go with the manic shake? He's got the shake and flip. I'm trying to get one fucking thing out. Nothing's coming out, Paul.

Yeah, I just went the Parmesan cheese route. Yeah, that's a good route. Now, if you get one more gold out, you've already beat me. And then you can just stop. You could actually just stop if you get one more gold out now. One more gold, baby! Come on, what are we doing for time? You're running out.

I hope three silver pop out right now. But it's tied right now. But if you get a silver, I won. There's one caught in the mouth. It's blocking the mouth. You're out of time. You stupid man. I win.

No, you don't. You're spilling everything everywhere. You're the winner. You won fair and square. I fucked it up completely. I'm probably going to get a charge extra to use the fucking room. Did that ever happen on the real show where a kid got so powerful they squeezed the crystal till it exploded?

Like a large boy. Sorry, Paul. Well, after a thrilling finale and the board game being all over the floor, I think we can safely say that's been another round of Ganon's Golden Games. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go, guys! Shut up! It only happened because I'm so pretty. Well done. Well done. Are we recording? We are recording. Just to let you know, one of the golden tickets has gone in the strawberry jam.

But it tastes really good. It's an interesting mix. That has been Cheap Joe for another episode. Thank you for joining us. If you would like to follow us on Twitter, it is at the Cheap Show pod.

I am at Paul Gannon's show Eli is Eli's ID Eli yes and no ID and Ken tell us a little bit about your podcast and tell us how we can listen to it

and where they can find you online yeah it's called TV guidance counselor someone I have every issue of American TV guide magazine as you do someone picks an

old issue they go through and write down what they'd watch that week they hand me the guide they have their list and then we go through the week it is actually

a brilliant podcast it's a genuinely brilliant podcast a lot of celebrities on it's fun and do they have old movies sometimes oh yeah

all the time and it's tvguidancecounselor.com and it's on all podcast apps and I'm at Kenneth W. Reid on Twitter and Instagram

or at tvguidance on the same he's had some great guests on that show really revealing stuff I'm gonna subscribe I'm gonna go and subscribe. I still say to this day,

the talk you did with Billy West is still really revealing with him, I thought. Oh, I love those. Yeah, those are really fun. It got kind of dark at some point, but it was... Who's Billy West? He was...

Ren and Stimpy does most of the voice on Futurama. He's Fry and Zoidberg. It's just one of the great ones. It's highly recommended listening. I've also got a present for you before you go. Oh, nice. Now, we've had this in the past for a cheap show, but we thought I'd like to donate them on to you.

So this is a little cheap show present for you. If you'd like to hand that over to Mr. Reid. Oh, annuals. Yeah. I love annuals. There you go. Top of the Pops, 1981 annual. That's the one.

And 75 annual. That's the one that has, where are they now? Like people who they reckon are on their way out. And you know who's included? David Bowie. And Hugh Can't Be Named is on the 1975 column. Oh yeah, no.

It's full of Noel Edmonds and Jimmy Savile. It's full of Savile. Shaken Stevens. Oh wow, this is great. Thank you. No, that's our little gift to you to enjoy on the way home.

A little bit of British retro pop nostalgia. And it has that stiff. They get the must. They've got that must. What else? Yes. Subscribe on whatever iTunes becomes.

It's called Apple Podcasts. Subscribe to that rate review, all that kind of shit. So what are they doing? They're splitting it into separate things. iTunes already no longer exists. Well, Good Riddance, can we all say. It's Apple Music, Apple Podcasts, and some other thing. But can we say Good Riddance, Si?

It's one of the worst pieces of software ever to be foisted on. It is an Apple product. It is. And they're garbage. They are. But that was particular garbage. If you have anything to email us about, tell us on the shop floor, tell us on the dance floor, maybe if you've got one, or you just want to get in touch and tell us a story,

it is thecheapshowatgmail.com. We're on Stitcher. We're on SoundCloud. We're on Spotify. We're on whatever, whatever. If you've got a podcast app, you'll find us. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Yeah, if you've got a podcast app, you'll find us. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Yeah, if you've got a podcast app,

we're probably on there. It's easy. And you can go to see videos and pictures from this episode on the website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Including the sources. Yes, and the Patreon people

will get all access to videos a lot earlier than le general public. They're like the pans people? Yeah, pans. We're more like hot legs. I like le general public. What about hot gossip?

Right, that's it. Anything else you want to say before we go? Hot gossip was before I was able to wank. Great, let's end it with that one. Ladies and gentlemen, see you next time. Bye. Still time. you