CheapShow - Ep 134: The Office Day Trip To Brighton

Episode Date: July 5, 2019

Grab your sunscreen, slap on your sunglasses and suck on an ice cream... We're going to the seaside! Welcome to the first ever "Office Day Trip To Brighton" and come along with Paul and Eli as they soak up the sun, the drink, the shops and the sea front. It's an epic episode, one packed with surprises, both delightful and horrific, as well as panic attacks, bathroom accidents, word salad and a quick stroll along the pier. What will they discover? What will they do? Why is Eli having a great day and not Paul? Strap in, it's going to be a proper Carry On... but with more knob gags and disappointment. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-134-the-office-day-trip-to-brigh If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

This is Loud Trucks, what do you want me to say? Good morning, it is Cheap Show reporting on its office day trip out to Brighton Beach. Organised by Cheap Show Corporation HQ, full of staff, which is Eli, hello. Hi there. Are you looking forward to your big journey today? Looking forward No one told me it was office day out I don't like this whole premise

Also For all the good work you've done this year I'm treating you to a day out at Blackpool Blackpool? No, Brighton Beach Thank you I'm looking forward to it, Paul Also, you said good morning, everybody Some people might listen to it in the morning

And it's good morning for us. What about those poor disenfranchised listeners who at midnight they're listening to it? Is it lonely? Is it lonely where you are? In their room, scratching old lacquer off their old table by their bedside. Cigarette burns. An air of desperation hangs in the air.

You're describing your life. You're describing your life to people. Anyway, we're at Blackfriars. We're starting our journey today to Brighton. I got the tickets. Now, in the past, I've tried to use a website called Ticket Splitter, which is a website that gives you cheaper train tickets by using network rail costs in different areas

rather than buying it from like ticket master or whatever the thing it's called train lines train lines anyway it didn't work because it didn't matter we're doing one line but the cheapest price i could get day return was 18 pound return to brighton from blackfriars that was the cheapest from london apparently 18 yeah it's gone up hasn't it yeah because it used to be like no you see we had this issue because me and my mate went down to Brighton the other day you could have got a £10 return you went to Brighton with a friend without me

yes you heard about that I'm choosing to not remember for the sake of outrage it was just for a show I went to see a show in the evening oh Mark Allen you busy mate Mark Allen I hate to tell you this

because you're doing this whole sort of weird top gear dad how much I paid for the tickets fucking thing. It's a cheap show. Yeah. We've got a remit. Yes, but you've failed. You've failed.

I'm saying, I can tell you now, we've gone for £12.50. How far in advance? Day return a week. You fucked it. You fucked it. You came up with the idea to do this on Sunday I'm going to prove you wrong

this is your whole sort of world building sort of I'm in control deal is cracked 18 quid each ladies and gentlemen

we're excited can we get any train though we like after peak hours yes so off peak return that's the difference but you know

so with that we had to get a particular train which is fair enough yeah if to get a particular train. Which is fair enough, yeah. If you get a particular train you're usually locked in. So no refunds, no nothing if you miss it. You decided to go for the slightly more expensive one. It gives us a bit more flexibility, doesn't it? In case we have a jolly evening and we want to have a bit more fun before we come home.

All drunk and roundy. Drunk! Drunk! Drunk! So I guess we better start our adventure. Are you going to be getting drunk Paul? Let's have a find out shall we? Do you trust me on Brighton Beach? No, I really don't. No, don't get drunk until the train.

Then there's witnesses. Alright, cool. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited. Eli's probably not excited. But you know, he's going along with it. Fair play. Let's start the Cheap Show company office day trip out to brighton hey right we're on the train.

Did you want to talk about the Starbucks thing? Because you were so passionate about that. He said, I've got to have an experience about that. Well, they neglected to make my latte at Iced. Great story. I got a free Starbucks. We're sorry you had a bad time at Starbucks today. Take this and get a free Starbucks we're sorry you had a bad time at Starbucks today take this and get a free Starbucks

and it's with the theme of the show Paul because it's cheap my next coffee is going to be cheap it'll be free I shouldn't have asked you I'm trying to stay on message so what you're saying is you want to get a free coffee, complain and have a

miserable time in Starbucks and get your own way? Absolutely. You used to cause a little fuss. They stopped. I've got some insider knowledge. I did sort of scowl when I felt the warmth coming through the cup that I'd asked for iced. And what made, annoyed me, right, is that I'd asked the guy,

I kind of checked myself when I made the order, and I said, I did say ice to you, didn't I? He went, yeah, yeah. And then, you know what I mean? It was him. It wasn't her, and then she... You see what I'm doing?

What? What? Look. Yawning. Anyway. Yawning. Shouldn't we just tell people what's happening? On a train, we've just left Blackfriars. We're going on the choo-choo train to Brighton, and we're on the tracks.

We're passing London Bridge Station. Oh, yeah, because I'm used to starting at London Bridge or Victoria. I forget that this time we're passing through it. It's a glorious day for a trip to Brighton. It is a glorious day. Paul. Very astute. Paul, what are your sort of

you know impressions memories what's your feeling for Brighton I like Brighton I've got friends there I've spent

more than my first year of fun times in Brighton I had my stag do in Brighton way back when so it's a party town or it's a party

that went wrong after your marriage broke down it was a party that went wrong after your marriage broke down. It was a reasonably traditional stag do. There was a curry at a curry house followed by a trip to the Pussycat Club for lap dancing which is about as erotic as sitting next to you on a train to Brighton. My mate Luke, who we might meet today, organised it all. He was my best man. And then we went to, was it called

Oceana at the time? But it's a big nightclub on the seafront. Yes. And then I got basically molested by a hen party who tried to take my shirt off and throw crisps at me. Nice. Nice. Sounds like a classic, Stagdy. Brighton's always been almost a sort of quasi-mythical, magical place in my life. I associate it with, like you say, sort of partying or, you know, getting out of town and sort of, and and I like the artistic nature of Brighton

you know the kind of trendy edgy youth all the energy like a music scene but and there is a really

seedy side oh yeah and that's what you know there's this sort of really kind of dark seedy grotty

grotty vibe to it which I love just as much as the as the free-thinking, lefty, green sort of... I've noticed there are a few CBD cafes anyway. Mate, they're everywhere. I'm on CBD now. Oh, yeah? It's coursing through my... where? And THC.

So, here's what we've decided we're going to do. It's not just going to be a day out, although we are going to try and have lots of fun. It's all on Cheap Show's dime. So it's an office party day out. So have fun. But we're going to go out. And we've had people on Twitter already suggest places we can go

and investigate. Vinyl stores, bric-a-brac shops, the lanes. Snoopers Paradise. And, yeah, I can break this to you now, Paul. Our noodle man from Brighton, Mr. Mark Allen, has given me a heads up on a noodle store. And I'm going to go see if I can pick up any different varieties from what you'd get maybe in a Lundro noodle store. You talk about it if you go abroad. You're not.

You go to Brighton. It's Brighton, isn't it? It's different. It's a lovely sunny day. So I thought, rather than make it a competition like a Price of Shine, we'll take the edge off and we'll just do a situation where we'll buy one of each thing. Do a situation?

No, fuck off. Don't swear we're on the train. I can swear. It's a free country. Balls. Easy. Anyway, what we're going to do is, rather than make it a competition,

we're just going to go out and try and buy stuff for the show as we would. So we're going to buy one platter. We're going to buy one cheap eat. Each? Each. Yeah. And when we get on the train on the way back, we can compare and enjoy and measure them. So just those two things?

No, but we'll also get a price of shite. Thank you. Do the whole list. I am. And a Mikasa Tsukasa. Mikasa Pukasa? Let's do a Mikasa Pukasa. If we see one.

If we see one. And that's it. Unless I find a board game, but then that's for Paul Gannon's personal. Well, that can fall under cheap eats. If you get really stuck and you go, oh, that's interesting, you can grab that instead. Okay. Sounds good, Paul. And then, oh, no.

I forgot one thing. Don't nudge me like that. We have to get a piece of tourist trap crap. Okay. And are we going for the crappiest piece of tourist trap we can find? Ideally. It's either cheapest and nastiest or most interesting and funny. I'm having some ideas.

Maybe a companion piece for the crab bucket? Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't bring your crab bucket with you. It's been seeing some use, Paul. I don't know more questions, Your Honour. Right, so then, is there anything else you want to bring up while we're talking? No, I feel like I'd start spilling stuff

that I don't really necessarily want to go into right now. What, in public on a train? Turn your box off. Yeah. And let's... We'll check in again when we're entering Brighton. How about that? Yeah.

When we pull into Brighton, you'll hear from us next. Unless something cool happens. And then, yes. It's not going to happen, is it? Unless the train gets taken over by terrorists. And me, Jimmy Spiscots, has to save the day. It's called Die Hard on a Train. You're actually embarrassing me by doing the podcast on a train.

Well, I've got my earphones off. It's weird. It's like when you look through a camcorder viewfinder. You just disassociate from reality. Yeah, well, stop. Associate back with reality right now and turn your thingamajig off. What fun, listeners. Stay tuned. Right, we're coming in to Brighton.

We're arriving in Brighton. Bryro. No, fuck off. Bryro. We're going to walk down. What? What are you doing? Walking down to the front so we don't have to walk all along the platform.

Or would you rather just hang out by the toilet? I'd rather stand here by the toilet. And then we can look at Brighton as it emerges from the Sussex countryside. It's very lovely. Very exciting. It's very picturesque on the way in. Yes, there is a lovely little journey through South London out of town and then after Gatwick Airport you come to

like a viaduct thing isn't it where you're elevated over the fields flying it's like being on the Hogwarts Express it is no no do you know what I'm sick of anything Harry Potter themed you don't even read the books and you're saying

Hogwarts. I have read the books. And? There's seven of them. Exactly. Don't say Hogwarts. It brings down the tone of all of this. It brings us down. No, it doesn't bring us down by simply mentioning Hogwarts. I reckon we should just walk outside because I don't think

people want to pee. We'll have a wee while we're talking about that. Let's walk down. It's very spacious and wide, these trains, aren't they? This is a good one, yeah. Did I mention already that I did a tweet saying what should we do in Brighton and people gave us suggestions? So I'm going to try and go through those.

What was it? Smuggler's Run? Smuggler's Rock? What was that place we were told to go to? Smuggler's Den? Smuggler's Rock? What was the place we were told to go to? Smuggler's Den? Smuggler's Den? I think that's like a bar, a nightclub. Well it's Brighton so, you know. What was it? Someone said it's a great place for tap but it's quite costly. Er, yes. Snoopers Paradise.

Snoopers Paradise is just as good as... Smuggler's Run at least sounds like something Snuggler's Den sounds like a sort of you know theme park ride doesn't it it's fine as opposed to Snoopers Paradise which sounds like a kind of Christian rap song so

we're going to go through Preston right into Brighton here, Paul. You know Preston. I do. Lovely parkland up around here. Because you've got friends in Brighton, don't you? So you know the lay of the land. You lay out the lay of the land, don't you?

I spent a lot of time in Brighton over the years, yes. Don't know what else to say. There's not much to say. I've had friends who lived in Brighton, so I've obviously spent some time there. And some jolly times, if you don't mind what else to say there's not much to say I've had friends who lived in Brighton so I've obviously spent some time there and some jolly times if you don't mind me saying so

my friend Mark Allen of noodles Sir Alan of noodles I don't know what to call him Sir Alan of noodles Sir Alan of noodles lived up what's it called

Kempney Kempton Kempton Kempton yeah and he lived up there and there was a sort of square park in the middle of his old

Georgian housing and there was an elephant tunnel which Prince Albert used to use that went down to the beach from the park I mean we could see that that would be amazing wouldn't it

well we'll try and do what we can should we do that? Well, what we need to do... Should we go to the elephant tunnel, Paul? I want to go to the elephant tunnel. I want to go to the elephant tunnel. Shut up, Otto. Let's trade around and go right home. You've ruined my big day out. Come on, it's just up from up from the...

We've got to go to the elephant tunnel, Paul. No, we can go. We've just got to remember that the first thing we need to do is go straight to the shopping area, get all out of the way, and then we can relax. Can I have a bacon sandwich? Yes. Thank you. I'm not your fucking dad.

You can do what you want. I'm not your dad today because I'm broke and you've got the purse strings. Big Daddy Sauce is going to want some delectation for financiation. Is he called Big Daddy Sauce? Is this a character that I forgot? Step Daddy Sauce. Step Daddy Sauce? Yeah. Is this from I forgot? Step Daddy Sauce. Step Daddy Sauce? Yeah. Is this from an episode that hasn't come out yet?

It's the one that came out last week. I haven't heard it. Well, we come up with the word Step Daddy Sauce. For what? For you? For something. Oh, no, because... Oh, come on. It's just in the last episode.

Just fucking listen to it. Hey, look, there's Judge Romesh. He's dropping the gavel. Did you know, Paul, British judges do not use gavels, and they never have. No, they never have. It's an American thing, isn't it? And so why, in every single film of Victorian society, or any period piece, or any modern one, it's just a lazy prop that they use.

A gavel. It doesn't exist. I think it's an American cliche that's somehow swept into our consciousness. And then it's Romesh. He's dropping a gavel. Did anyone in that photo shoot say, hang on, everybody. Judges don't have gavels.

That's why he's dropping it. I'm not having this. No, he's saying, I'm not, no no you don't have it he's dropping it he's dropping it like dropping a mic isn't he

I mean that's that's the thing but maybe he's also saying this ain't a gavel scene are we nearly there yet there there's Preston we're going past Preston now

what a boring place Preston is yeah it's dull but it's picturesque alright all good so should we just walk down to the front of the train then and boring place Preston is. Yeah. It's dull, but it's picturesque. Alright, well, good. So, should we just walk down to the front of the train, then, and report once we've landed?

Okay. Yeah, see you then. Right, good. So, we're checking the Twitter, we're going to check the recommendations that you've sent to us for places to explore. And I think we'll do alright. It was an automaton museum, wasn't it? If we get the time. It was an automaton museum, wasn't it?

If we get the time. It's a big day out, so I don't want to spend too much time shopping. So, you know, it's a day for fun, Mr Silverman. So, yes, join us, won't you, on our magical mystery tour of Brighton. Another toilet.

Another toilet there. See you in a bit. We've arrived at Brighton Station. The fun can begin. Okay. Now you're doing that whole sort of... I'm excited. You're not excited. Fucking am. I didn't just

turn it on the minute I put record on. You totally did and everyone can hear that falseness in your voice. The false party, Paul. I'm happy. You're not. I'm not. You never are. It's nice to be in Brighton, Paul. Let's just notch it down. Notch it down

Notch it down And then it's real It's 24 degrees today But there's a bit of wind Which makes it a bit cooler And it doesn't feel Overpoweringly Sweaty and hot

At the moment does it It feels nice Bit of a breeze Yeah lovely bit of breeze Unlike LA When I almost had heat stroke Yes and On the

On the continent And stuff It's 45 at the moment God is this what We're podcasting about The weather In Europe Middle age podcast Middle age podcast Yes, and on the continent and stuff, it's 45 at the moment. God, is this what we're podcasting about? The weather in Europe. Middle-aged podcast, middle-aged podcast. So we've already had a cheap show moment in the toilet.

Oh, yeah. So we both need a little Jimmy Riddle when we got off the train. So we made our way over to the public conveniences here in beautiful Brighton train terminus. And Paul said to me, Oh, do you have to pay? And I said, yes, it's 20p. And he said, I haven't got any change. And I said, don't worry. Don't worry.

Don't worry. Usually you can get in for free. And what happened, Paul? We got in for free because there what happened Paul we got in for free because there was no turnstile alright cheap on message cheap

yeah we didn't even have to spend a penny to spend a penny let's just stop it there I mean you've topped it completely I will say this though there was all the

all the cubicles well not the urinal dishes were busy and I didn't want to stand directly next to you

and have a piss why it's unnerving peek over yeah I just see what I'm missing dishes were busy and I didn't want to stand directly next to you and have a piss why it's unnerving peek over yeah I just see what I'm missing your unconscious desire just overtakes your eyes

the hungry hungry eyes start raking over my pubic mound I have no intention like a comb like a visual eye comb I don't have any intention

of looking at your weeping thumb so so I forgot what I was Like a visual eye comb. I don't have any intention of looking at your weeping thumb. So. So. I forgot what I was going to fucking say now. So what should we do? Here we are.

Well, let's... Daddy Sauce did say something about a bacon sandwich for little Eli. All right. Well, let's get Step Daddy Sauce on the case and get you a sandwich. You know where you want to go for one? Yeah. Yeah? That one a little there. There's a cafe. You know where you want to go for one? Yeah. Yeah? That one a little there. There's a cafe over there.

Well, let me get some cash out first because it'll probably be easy to get some cash out. All right. I'm going to get you a £20 note. Is that all right? And if you're a good boy, you might get a little bit more. And this is for just walking around money, is it? Obviously, we're going to have to buy some things for discussion on the train journey back. Okay.

There's a cash machine in here, so I'm going to go this way and grab some cash and do it that way. Alright? Alright! Oh, here's the adventure. It's all kicking off. Oh, I hope you're having as much fun listening as we are doing it. Which is not possible because we're having a grrrrreat time. Is that Tony the Tiger? Is Tony the Tiger with us? It's grrrrrrating!

Oh, there's a fucking piano. I hate it when they put pianos in train stations. They never play Great Balls of Fire, do they? No, there's always some cunt playing chopsticks. Yeah, apart from this guy who actually looks like he's reasonably trained. It's interminable. So? You should get your schlong out of your lie and go, bosh, bosh, bosh are the keys. What? Thwoppage.

And call it your... You're talking about a thwoppage piano recital. Yeah. The thwoppage symphony in D minor. Thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop On the last note, you do a big cunt. Yeah, that's what I just did.

Yeah, I know. I'm going to get some cash out. Go on. Oh, we're in Brighton, heading down Bread Street, going towards Tichborne Street. Is it Bread Street? Is this Bread Street? Well that is Bread Street there. Just that little, this little place here, that little road. What's this called?

Brighton. No, the road. Er, it's Queen's Garden. No. Brighton? No, the road. Is... Queen's Garden? No. Britain's shit at naming streets. Have you noticed that? What do you mean?

You mean signposting streets? Yeah. Because what is this... You're good at naming them. Oh, yeah, we're good at naming them. We heard of Cunt Grab Street or whatever it was. It's not called Cunt Grab. Grope Cunts.

I apologise. So our plan is before we get into the nitty gritty of our day, we're going to have some brekkie. Yeah. Just looking for a scope in some places in the lanes. This neighbourhood is known as the lanes, isn't it? I believe so. We're at the top end.

Super's Paradise is here. Is it? Yeah. So the plan is then, Paul, we're going to get some brekkie. Yeah. And then we're going to head towards Preston, where there is a number of charity shops. And I famously had a fantastic seven-inch haul there a number of years ago.

Hey, that's what you call it. Where I found my Canadian seven-inch single, rare David Bowie holy holy on one side on RCA for 25p and do you know what Paul that record now is worth at least maybe 15 quid, oh it's still good though, I mean it's still good

I'm not complaining I'm not, look there's a picture of Elton John, you can see some tea towels that have cleverly, there's David Bowie elton john you can see some tea towels that are cleverly there's david bowie look isn't that weird i just said david bowie and there he is looking at us with no eyes david bowie with no eyes he's looking at us freddie mercury with no eyes he's looking at us elton john with no eyes he's kind of looking away with no eyes but he's got glasses on so it implies eyes i'll imply your eyes 12 quid though though. 12 quid? None of them have got eyes. I've

just realised it's Prince and then the guy from The Cure. These are tea towels. Yeah, not human beings. No eyes staring at us out of a window. We didn't say they were tea towels, did we? So, then we're going to go, yeah, Preston, go to all the charity shops and then together we'll explore the lanes and then we'll end, hopefully, on the pier for a little bit of fun. No, you've forgotten the elephant getting smoking weed that bit whoa the elephant listeners know what we do now the elephant tunnel would be a perfect place though paul to go and do that let's at least it's literally a 10 minute walk up there i don't want to get too distracted we can do it on the way to the pier can't we elephant tunnel we're going to the elephant we've got plenty of time it's just

midday oh we've got lots to do but i think we should have a little drink a little bite to eat a little bit of smoke and get this cheap show day trip to brighton on the rolls okay on the on the on the on the wheels on the on the go road get it on the go that stuff so that's what we're going to do I'm very excited there's Elton John again oh and there's who's that that's what's his face Paul

Lenny Kravitz Paul I hate you don't don't goad me don't goad me it's Jimi Hendrix isn't it don't goad me I prefer Lenny Kravitz

are you going to go my way are you going to go my way oh it's not to go my way? Oh, it's not over till it's over. It's a great song, actually. There's Gardner Street. And then his song about flying. I wish that I could fly. You can fly. There's the commedia where me and Noodle King Alan, Sir Noodles Alan, performed our show The Humble Quest for Universal Genius a number of times.

Oh, there's a little lane. There's a little badger book that way. I can get my fix for enamel badgers. Oh, yes. That's where Snoopers Paradise is. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, I've been spending most of my life looking into Smuggler's Paradise. It's not called Smuggler's. It's Snoopers. But I have to warn you, it's not particularly cheap. It just has a lot of interesting stuff.

Well, that's all I want to do, have a little look. Okay. And then complain about the price of an album that should be 50p. Yeah. Right, so, do you have anywhere in mind that you want to go for a bite to eat or a drink? Anywhere? He's having a think. Oh, there's a tattoo.

It's all very trendy and young and studenty around here, isn't it? Yes, that's the lines, isn't it? It's a bit like Brighton. No, Brighton's a bit like Aberystwyth, except Aberystwyth is depressing. I'm never going back. Really? Like, next year's probably like a reunion year, I've heard. And I just have no interest at all in going, oh, we've seen a place. It's burgers, though. Where's your noodle place? Your boyfriend, Mr. Allen, told seen a place. It's burgers, though. Where's your noodle place?

Your boyfriend, Mr. Allen, told you about. It's around here. So, don't worry, we'll be checking that out. Beyond retro vintage clothing. Very posh way of saying expensive second-hand clothes store. Very expensive. Jack chicken? I'm just looking for a sort of greasy spoon, Paul. I think

we'll find one around here. We will. We'll find one in good time, don't you worry about that. Right, all right, let's just go look for food and have a little drink and then we'll get back to you. Signing off, pip pip. Off to sunny Spain. Aviva la España. No, we're not in Spain. Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Bangor? This is your one chance to sing that fucking song. Do it. Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside. No, the Bangor one. Oh, I do like to be beside the sea.

I like to be beside the sea, the side, beside the sea, beside the seaside, beside the sea beside the seaside beside the sea diddly dum give it to me oh i do like to be inside a beehive oh i do like to molest a bit we've had a bite to eat we've had a coffee any cheeky naughty cigarette source report do do do do do do do-doot, do-doot, do-doot. There was sauces requested with the breakfast, Paul. I requested a hot sauce and a ketchup. And I can tell you right now, Brighton hasn't let me down on the sauce provision front. How?

The hot sauce was Brighton made. Habanero. Zesty. The word is zesty, Paul. And a lovely small batch ketchup, which I didn't use, but I admired the bottle. It's good, eh? Sauce report over. Did you say you wanted to try to find the shop it came from?

Yeah, it's from the Brighton Chili Company, which a shop up in the lanes which we'll be perusing. So, I might get a sauce for the show, Paul. Go for it. I'll go see what their cheapest hot sauce is, maybe. Yeah, it's all part of the remit.

I've sent you a list of the stuff we have to get. Okay. I'll just go, I'll run down the list. Run it down for the listeners now. I'll run it down. Do, do, do, do, do

Paul's fucking sick report. No, no. I'm, hay fever's kicked in and it's fucking making me miserable because all my eyes are itching, and I'm sneezing all the fucking time, and I'm all bunged up now. Right, so there are six things. Oh, here we fucking go.

I'll take over. So there are six things in our challenge today. There are six things which we must get at least four of is that right paul at least four you managed to speak between the sneezes uh we're going to pick up a vinyl a platter if you will a platter if you found one by clyde mcfatter then i'll be impressed all right all right a price of shite one item with a mysterious price which one of us will have to guess the price of the shite of and that's right that's right then we have a froth shop or a soft drink or cheap eat it's all you want the froth fountain is an upcoming i better tell them

about this now yeah the froth shop has an addendum um a uh a little other room attached to the froth shop yeah and you know what's in there a A soda jerk. And that soda jerk is me. And I'll be jerking soda out of my soda fountain. Oh, to fucking hell. Froffy sodas out of my soda fountain. Unusual juices and sodas. Pickle waters, dare I say. But that's coming up.

But yeah, we need a froth shop or cheap eat or a soft drink. Some kind of food stuff. A food thing. A Mikasa. Tsukasa. Tsukasa, which need a froth shop or cheap eat or a soft drink. Some kind of food stuff. A food thing. A mi casa. Su casa. Su casa, which is a gift. And if we see a terrible item. A poo casa.

And a piece of tourist hat, which we'll get later in the day. The tourist hat is the only thing which is mandatory. But we can get that later. Okay. Right now, we're about to do the... We're on... Where are we? Park Place.

On the corner of Park Place. We're looking at Hobgoblin and Aldi. and this is the start of our charity shop chain of shops and we are going to split up now and we're going to go for a little search for these six items um what you got your heart set on today paul honestly i like a board game i've always won a board game okay if i see a good board game there might be some communication because we always need to be sourcing for Ganon's Golden Games.

Oh, yeah. He did it without fucking making my ears bleed this time. No. No. Fuck off. I want to know for you.

So, we're going to give ourselves just over an hour. We're going to be back here about quarter past two. It's just gone one o'clock now. And so, it's not a competition. We're just going to

have a lovely adventure. Yeah. In your eyes, it's not a competition we're just gonna have a lovely adventure yeah in your eyes it's not a competition it's it's dead it's deadly serious business for me you know it's deadly serious business for me it's fucking a fever it's doomy heading right off we go good luck to you and i'll see you back here at the naughty cock tree around quarter past two the cock tree naughty cock tree someone drew a big cock By the tree we were standing by there was a cock on it. So this is our base camp cock tree and we'll be back here in about an hour and ten minutes. Let's go. ¶¶ Right, well the first charity shop has been investigated and it has come up sorely lacking. I went to a charity shop called Debra.

It just says Charity Shop Debra, that's all it really says. But it says something, it's a skin charity. So it's basically like, for people whose skin doesn't work, we do. So, oh, it's a bit windy. So that's where I went to. There's some nice little bits and bobs. I've kept an eye out because there's bits and bobs that might work for a me-caster or poo-caster.

So at the moment, one down, not too impressed. But there's still a few more to investigate. Oh, this day's only just begun. Well, now Eli's getting on. Probably cut back to me because Eli hasn't recorded anything yet. But anyway, fuck it. Let's march on and see what we can get right so i've just been into my first charity shop here in brighton it was the british red cross and i found my first item it's um a little model of a rustic farmhouse sort of agar style cooker but it

is also a teapot and that's what really attracted me to it is also a teapot it was 50p so price so Price is Shite maybe or maybe Mikasa Tsukasa but I feel buoyed by that I'm off to a good start here I'm going to find my next charity shop I can see the British Heart Foundation up there often good, British Heart Foundation so

hope my mic tangnig's been alright here but I'm working on it everybody and I'll talk to you soon, thanks right, well I've gone up one whole side of the road reached as far as I would dare go up towards the

Preston Road fire engine station whatever, nothing whole side of the road reached as far as i would dare go up towards the uh preston roads fire engine station whatever nothing nothing slim pickings and all the charity shops the one or two things that i could get but nothing that really jumped out at me secondly what is it with brighton and people farting when i'm trying to look at stuff What is it with Brighton and people farting when I'm trying to look at stuff? Seriously? Why? I was at a place called Drag Game Den or something.

Fire Game Den. Kind of a retro gaming place. Woman looking at Game Boy games. Bends over. Let's rip an appallingly wet fucking fart. Inches away from me. Didn't look around to apologise. Absolutely brazen. And then I walk into another charity shop i think it was british heart foundation same fucking thing

happened again i'm looking at a board game i reach up and then the guy standing next to me again lets out a little fart and this one had a little kind of burble at the end it was a now in both cases no smell and then just i was about to record this, I went to a bus stop, sat down, got it all out, and the guy sitting next to me at the bus stop... Cracks a fart out so loud, it looked like it split the plastic of the seat of the bus stop. Brighton, you've got a very windy arsehole today. Get it together. Secondly, I'm going to cross the road and check the other charity shops, and hopefully, hopefully, find something to walk away with. I don't know, last time I

was here, I didn't have enough time. There was too much to pick up. This time it seems like it's the opposite problem. Too much time and not enough to pick up. Oh, anyway. There's a truck. There's a truck. Also, I have to piss real bad, but because I'm weird, I can't just go into a pub and go piss there like some friends of mine brazenly do. I need to get a coffee, and then awkwardly ask if buying the coffee allows me to use their toilet. In which case, by then I've ordered the coffee, and they say they don't have a toilet. So, what am I going to do?

I have to piss bad. But let's see how we go. Okay, so I went into the Sue Ryder shop and a bit of a disappointment really. Had some records, one which was a duet between Cliff Richard and the guy out of the Everly Brothers, one of the Everly Brothers. And nothing else really, but now here I am at Monkey Music Emporium. Records, CDs, Hi-Fi. They've got old school record boxes in the window, some really nice ones, and lots of records.

So I'm just going to have a little break, just to have a little look at some of the vinyl. Maybe I'll pick one up that's suitable for the show. But here we go. I'm going into Monkey Music Emporium. Who's this dirty old man then? Oh, don't. I didn't think I'd bump into you this soon.

How's it going with the buying things? Really badly actually. I've been like really, I've been up the whole other side of the road. And nothing? Nothing inspiring. How about you? I went into a record shop. Yeah. They had a 50p and a one pound rack. Found some nice things. In fact something for the show. In fact something for the show. And I have two Price of shy items I've it's looks like I've been fairing better than you yeah I've said no look on that other side of the road nothing inspired me although a lot of people did fart right next to me really why does that always happen to you it's happened three

times on that side of the road and then when I was just at to one side to do a bit of recording at a bus stop can I sat down and cracked one out. I felt the vibration on the seat. Why does that happen to you? And then, right, I think there's a guy who either recognises me or knows Cheap Shop. Because on that side of the road, I'd go into a charity shop,

and on the way out, I'd just see him looking outside, looking at me. And then I'd walk past, and he'd just follow me. And then I'd go into another charity shop, and the same thing happens again. And he's following you around?

And he's just standing there staring at me. But why hasn't he approached you? Well, I know. If you listen to this... Actually, he's from some Arrival podcast. And he's following you around. And he's just standing and staring at me. Why hasn't he approached you? Well, I know. If you listen to this... Perhaps he's from some rival podcast and he's going to hunt us down.

Cheaper show. Or, you know, perhaps he's launching something. Anyway, do you know what the problem is right now? I need to piss so bad. I've got no focus.

I've got no focus. Well, you're running out of time. I know. I didn't realise it was quarter to. Well, shall we push it back another 20 minutes?

Let's do half to. All right. At the cock tree. At the cock tree at half to, yeah? Good luck, Paul. I'm not having a good day. Go and take a piss, mate. I can't.

I'm going to go pee-pee now. Oh, I'm stressing. I just bumped into Eli now at, I don't know what charity shop this is. I need to look outside and have a look. PDSA. Oh. And yet there's more charity shops to explore. However, oh I got to piss so bad. So bad. And where do I go? Where do I go? My darling, where do we go?

So yeah, I just bumped into Paul in the PDSA where I picked up another item, possibly for the price of shite or maybe a Mikasa Tsukasa anyway it was a miniature plate commemorating a Dolls House Factory anniversary. So an item and here I am in an alleyway by PDSA it does smell of piss but in a zesty by the seaside it's all of piss, but in a zesty, by the seaside, it's alright, anything goes down in Brighton kind of way, and here I am in this alleyway, and I bumped into Paul, he wasn't doing very well, so I'm feeling confident, this might be a bit of a turnaround in terms of the non-competition, I might be winning here, because I've got plenty of items, I went in the music shop, and picked up some reasonably priced, good value, good condition vinyl.

I've got a copy of Tired of Waiting by The Kinks. Quid. And it's in good nick. And I was pleased with that. And also, one for the show, the official cheap show vinyl, unless I find something better, will be the Beatles at the movie 7-inch it's a medley of music Beatles movie music or Beatles numbers done by an orchestra anyway it's produced by George Martin himself and I'm quite an interesting thing so feeling positive for once in my whole fucking life and here I here I go out again it's a sunny brighton drinking starting soon

okay right just had my most successful uh little foray uh down here so far, Martlets, life-changing hospice care. Now, I found a little pattern emerging. Hospice charity shops seem to have some of the funkiest shit. And that certainly did. Look, let me just say it. I'm excited about it. I bought a FlexiDisc, which was a promotional item for a pickles company. Okay? I mean and I bought a Ganners Golden Games maybe which is

there's some kind of it's called hammers and shovels or something it's something like it's a target game so we'll see but it had a nice sort of sixts design. Picked that up. A couple of other sevens. A Stick of the Dunk, Dump, sorry, children's book. Stick of the Dump is about a Neanderthal man that a child finds living in the local dump.

And I don't know how sort of appropriate that would be these days but we'll have a look at that and I I've got that for free she was knocking money off left right and centre the lovely lady in Martlets she she said I could have the stick of the dump book for free and then she said I had two records I had three fact, including the Flexi and it's fun times and I'm doing better than Paul I think so I'm having a lovely, lovely day. Oh, oh it's windy. Isn't it windy? Well, I'm back at the cock tree.

Oh, look at him. Look at you. You went to Maccy D's for a dirty burger. How was your hay fever? Hay fever's fine. How was my shop? How was your shop? Utter fucking catastrophe.

Mate, I've had one of the best shops of my life. I'm high on life. Well, let me tell you about what happened to me, right? Desperate for a piss. Oh, so desperate for a piss. I went to KFC because it was literally there and the toilet was in my eye. I was like, we've got one. Got to get something.

So I went in and I ordered a Malteser Crusher. It's like a cold milkshake. I know, I'm familiar with its work, yeah. Familiar with its work? The work of the... Whatever. Anyway. Mate, are you getting pissy?

Just because of what? Did you get some poo-poo on you? Well, you just, just, no. What happened was, I went for a pee. Did someone fart? No. No. I went for a pee in KFC, waiting for my order to be made, right?

Yes. It was a fucking shit show. Went to the toilet, had a nice long piss. Oh, it felt so nice. And then I thought, I've got some dirty tissues in my pocket from all my sneezing. I'll throw it into the bog. Yeah.

Which I did. And then realised I'd thrown my 20 quid in there as well. So then I had to... This is getting better now. This is payback for the DVD water. For the shitty pooey DVD. So... You had poo water on your hand.

I had to... Luckily it was resting on top of the tissue paper so it wasn't too besmirched by piss. I see. It's like delicately poised, ready to get dunked in the shit tank. Well, anyway, it was piss adjacent and there was probably some splashes upon it, right? So I was embarrassed. I fished it out, put it in my pocket, went to get my crusher. Did you not wash your hands? No, I did wash my hands.

Well, you didn't mention it then. I didn't think it was salient to the parts of the conversation. It's fucking salient. That's what everyone needs to hear after you've fished it out and put it in your pocket. Is that there was some kind of cleaning in between, Paul. Yes. Was there? Yes.

Truthfully? Yes. Look at me. I washed my hands after I went tinkle daddy. Oh, right. Step daddy sauce. Okay, and then what happened? So then I went to order the crusher and apparently they're having a nightmare

because the ice cream machine's farting out ice cream and it's... And so the crusher comes out and I drink it it tastes disgusting really what was it watery it's like ice water with crushed up marshmallows in in the end right not good so it wasn't particularly you know well made and then i went to a charity shop and i did buy something and i handed 20 quid to him and then the guy who looked a bit mucky to be fair before I go any further oh wind I give him the 20 pound and then he's got his hands full messing with the till so he puts the 20 pound

in his mouth oh my god what is with you and people putting shit in their mouths and stuff and I'm like you've got no luck everyone just farts

and puts shit in their mouth around you that was his problem more than anything else but I couldn't say here mate don't put that 20 quid in your mouth it's not a handbag to but I couldn't say here mate don't put that 20 quid in your mouth

it's not going to hand it back to you is it no but here mate don't put that 20 quid in your mouth I just fished it out of a piss filled toilet this is good

this is good Paul you're thinking ah piss filled toilet in your mouth mate it could be he could get sick and die anyway he's got a toilet

in his mouth I bought a Mikasa for you anyway and I bought basically it's a little board game but I'm going to count it as a price of shite. No. No, you can't tell me what you've got, though.

I've got so much cool stuff, you would never believe it, man. Some excellent things. I've found some real choice pieces, Paul. Now, there's one thing. I've run out of money. So, give me some money. I've run out of money. So, give me some money.

There is a... Literally, the first ever, in a Chinese grocer up there, there is a packet of crisps, which is a noodle-branded packet of crisps. OK. I mean... Is it far to go? No, just give me the money, I'll go back up. How much was it?

It's there a pound, but I need five pounds. Five... Six pounds, please. What do you want six pounds for? I'm buying some Joe sauce. Please. And also you owe me fat latte.

Daddy Cheap Show doesn't pay you to feed your addictions. I've got a fiver I can give you. Is that enough? No. I've only got a fiver and a tenner. Give me a tenner. I'll give you the change. Fucking hell. Thank you, Daddy Big Sauce. And then after this, we're going down the lane to have a quick shop and look at the places, yeah? Well, look, but listen, I'm literally, my own funds have run out.

I'm like, I'm running on fumes here. I'm walking on sunshine, Paul. Noodle crisps, mate. And just let me say, I found a flexi did you oh i just i just i don't know what you how the fates align for you not for me so you know congratulations discount this lady gave me loads of money off that's for cheap show yeah well i look forward to hearing all about it on the train home listen let me give you your dirty blood money. Thank you. And then we'll crack on.

All right, we're going to crack on. Okay, quick update. We're in a pub, the Brewhouse. Something or other. I'm going to North Lane Brewhouse. Because Eli made the scene in public and demanded having a shit. It was like going out with a three-year-old. So I had to take him in here. And we're just having a little drink.

So that's what's happening so far. And then once we've finished here, the plan then is to go and explore the lanes finally. Get a little bit of shopping done. Not too much. And then hopefully end up on the pier for a bit of old-fashioned fun. Because we haven't been to the seaside yet. And the sun's still up. So, you know, fingers crossed.

It's all good. Alright, that's it. I'm just rambling now at this point. I'm waiting for him to come back from his massive, as he expressed it, pressing out the soft peanut butter. And then you think he said the word squishing once or twice. I think, honestly, he's becoming Squishy Jim. Between you and me, I'm concerned that Eli thinks he's becoming Squishy Jim.

And it's my job to push him right over the fucking edge. So we're just entering the lanes now. Eli, what was that? That was Mr. Bongo's who are one of my favourite labels, record labels. What do they do? All sorts of different world music and funk and soul stuff. I don't care about your interests. We've had some more toilet action, haven we that we should report we went and we

had went into a place because we both needed the loo in various ways and um me front he back and i went to use the disabled baby changer it was locked it said ask for the number i asked the girl for the number she said oh the toilets are downstairs and then i kind of grimaced and then she said listen do you want me to come and open the toilet for you special service that's how we do it in brighton we don't we look after people here right and so she came and she opened it for me and then i went in and it was a baby changing facility and i had to make use of it it was that kind of visit you know what I mean right great

well lovely either way he was gone 10 minutes and he came back looking knackered so there was a lot of there was obviously a lot of work put in so to summarise Paul I've been for a shit

but also I've found all sorts of great stuff that you're going to be amazed by when we're on the train oh I can't wait so we're going to enter the lanes now and we'll report back once we've found anything of note. Oh it's... I'm having a lovely time in Bury Brighton. It's nice and warm and lovely too.

Sinks. Sinks. He's not wrong. There's a sink And there's a toilet And a shower What's like a bathroom What did you need to go for a shit there for You couldn't do it It's a shop They'd ask you to leave

I'd be able to see you I'd be able to see me Standing out here Looking at me Taking a shit What's happening I don't know what you're fucking doing I don't know what you're talking about

Get with it There's nothing to be getting with Right can we just focus? Where should we go? Where's that smuggler's brun? Get the name right or else we're not going anywhere. Buccaneers fancy.

Drop the pirate thing. There is no pirate part of this, okay? Hero quest. No. Snooper's paradise. Snoopy's paradise where is it it's up there let's get that out the way and then what are you gonna say i was gonna say yeah go on nothing you're a moron what you're a moron and you smell of unwashed ass don't drink've already had a drink, I had some lovely mango beer, half pint, I'm already feeling half cut, tell you that. A little bit. Oh it's a windy day. I

think that bad shop I likes down there. Cheesy chips! I don't know why I did it in that voice, but I did. Oh there's a whole line of people lining it in that voice, but I did. Oh, there's a whole line of people lining outside in the sun, having a drink at the Brighton Tavern. Oh, and they're all spread across the pavement like people in the sun. What a romantic image. I have nothing to say. You're just going to talk inane nonsense. No, no, no.ane nonsense my name's Teen Yet

and don't forget I've got the rams you won't don't do my voice Teen Yeti it's very look it's down there right let's go

we'll go into Smuggler's Box what oh mate where is it turn the recorder off no everything's

from now on the show's in real time it's happening that's Dip Block Yard and it has furniture, lighting bric-a-brac, antiques mid-century

modern objet d'art it's a flea market this it certainly is I think I've been here before I think it's a bit different I'm going in do you want to investigate no don't investigate I'm gonna pick that up though and just help them out there you go pick the pillow up

so it's not on the dirty floor now where, where is... I'm just getting my bearings. Gallagher's hideout. Snoopy's... Snooper's paradise. Spoopy paradise. Oh, the wind's picking up. But the wind blows in and out, doesn't it? It blows in and out. You're going to have to get your device out

and we're going to have to look it up. You get your device out and look it up. I've run out of juice. Get your device out. Hand me... Stop being petulant. Get off. I'm in charge of allant. I'm in charge of all sound, I'm in charge of all sound. All right, let's stop here and have a look, all right? I'm gonna Snoopers Run

I have a look around here it is like a cross between being in someone's attic and a shop I'm in Snoopers Run. I have a look around. It is like a cross between being in someone's attic and a shop. It's just random glass cupboards and cabinets. And shelving full of books, trays, annuals, pottery, crockery. 3D Viewmaster. Oh, that's nice. £15.

Not that nice. Campbell's Condensed Soup, Tim. Loads of medals. It's just... It's just... Everything. A bit of everything. Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour. Cool.

Don't know what else you want. Lots of scary-looking... Toby J jugs, which are always awful. Oh, a big selection of Doctor Who stuff. Quite a lot of new Daleks on sale, because no one liked the new design Daleks, so they quietly got rid of them. Measuring tape, forks, harmonica. Eight pound. It's kind of like a... Cross between a charity shop and an antique store.

It rides a fine line. Eli's gone, by the way. I don't know who he's fucked off to. Wanker. What else have we got? A metal cast iron last for a shoe. Enamel sign, 33 pound. Basically the Ghostbusters logo without the ghost.

For people who want a visual idea of what I'm looking at. Magic lantern slide, £12. Broken. Or is it? I don't know. It's a pretty thing, but you're just spending £12 to leave it on a shelf. There's another magic lantern slide showing a man with a harp firing peas into a man's mouth and there's a coffee grinder or drill and £12 and all it can really do is set on you. Window edge, well that's not a bad idea when the sun comes through you can cast this haunting image on your wall. I'll take a picture of that, don't worry, for this podcast. There's lots to explore, so I'm going to carry on exploring.

Ooh, okay, quick report. I think I had a little mini panic attack. I bent down to look at some vinyl. I was there for a few minutes and then I got up too quick and then what with the half pint of booze and the jazz cigarette, I had a complete white out moment and I nearly fell over and I thought the walls were closing in and I got a little bit stressed and it's all a little bit kind of crazy, but it's alright. I'm just surrounded by tat. There's just tat. There's too much tat. There's no organisation to it all. It's just I'm staring at random things. I'm just looking at this for more random things. Cups, pots, razzle magazine, dandy, an elephant, cups, playing cards, knife, music tuner, scary dolls. What's

this? Pudding charms. Wow, this is getting too much. Okay, this is too much okay there's too much i need to get some fresher fresh air fresh air fresh air mate there's too much in here it's good in it i'm having a a massive nostalgia stodge on everywhere you look okay so basically i had a little panic attack a couple of minutes ago did you because it was overwhelming no yes kind of so I've already said it but basically just was bent down to look at some vinyl was there a few minutes

got up the rush of blood to my head and then because I've had a smoke and a drink it all came too much and like literally the cabinet

was closing in on me yeah that's the fainting but that's not a panic attack no because then it all rushed to my head and it all got really dizzy and I had to hold onto a shelf.

And then I'm looking everywhere and it's just nonsense. It's like cassettes, teacups, books, cars, badges, albums. It's crazy, isn't it? Dolls. You know, not only am I... Thermometers, bags, scarves, tats, ties. It's everywhere you look. Not only am I nostalgic for the actual items in here, but it reminds me of how Camden Market...

Yeah. In London used to be. It used to be like this, sort of bric-a-brac. Yeah, all that's gone. I've got a quintessential Brighton moment when I was looking at an old ashtray and I heard a seagull out in the street. And I'm just like, I'm back. I'm back, baby.

Back in Snooper's Paradise in Brighton. I'm free. I'm free to be me. Why are you having much more fun today than I am? Because everywhere I go there's trauma. Every time we go do something, I have more fun than you. Yeah, you're... No, East Finchley, you had more fun up there. Oh, God, that's not saying much.

It's a very low bar. Anyway, look. Magazines, milk bottles. What, there's an upstairs? Yes, Snoopers Attic, come on. Come on, let's go. Let's. What, there's an upstairs? Yes, Snoop is at it. Come on, let's go, let's go together. More stuff, let's go. I'm actually feeling really overwhelmed.

And it's a little costly, yeah, but it's just, there's no order. There's no order here. Look, why is there a Nintendo DS in pink next to a Mickey Mouse clock next to a book of birds in their horns because there are different owners that have different areas

oh is that what it is that's what it is it's all these little collections of other people's collections that they're selling essentially yeah there's different

it's confusing and frightening and I'm overawed what do you mean look at this imagine how tacky that is it's like a

candelabra from a 70s horror film nicely described what we've got to go upstairs come round here you come round there go round there

come round there seriously I'm overwhelmed by everything that's going on right now it's so quiet, soundless. Mate, it was round there. Coming in here?

No. It was either round there or another one, but it all got too close. It all got too close for me. Come on. Oh, the stairs around here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I was looking at those books and I bent down.

The other thing about this place, Paul, is there used to be a turnstile. They used to charge you a quid to get in. Imagine that, or like 50p or something. Was it busy? Was that why? Yeah. Right at the front door, there used to be a turnstile. There's a typewriter next to some Pokemon, next to a fucking manga collection, next to some watches,

next to a porcelain Charles Prince Charles mask. Going upstairs now. And I saw that guy again. You know the one I saw outside the street? He's stalking us. He's seriously. What does he look like?

Well, I don't know if this time it was a coincidence. He just looks like tall, got slightly ginger hair, fair, glasses. Well, I'll be on the lookout, Paul. Good, because it's getting weird. I've not been able to find a really good collection of enamel pins, though, yet. There were some badges, but they weren't enamel. You saw them. The ones I really like were the pre-fed Ted Boyga ones.

They were like Mr. Men at Beefeaters, sort of promotional ones. I don't want that. There was also a Golden Wonder Autumn's badge. No? Show me. Alright, hang on.

What's this? Oh, badge. I knocked some clothes over. Oh, I like that shirt. You do? Yeah. Space Invaders, isn't it?

25. Yeah, stick it. Would you go 10 if it was 10? Yeah. Space Invaders, innit? 25. Yeah, stick it. Would you go 10 if it was 10? Yeah. But it's not. I'm cheap. I'm going to have to go wee again as well. I do. You needed to deal with all of that. I've been drinking all day. You should have gone while we were in the restaurant. I was. I went then. Twice. That's all the beer you've been having. I've had half. Half. I'll show you this badge and then we'll go. Yeah.

What's this pointless item by Sankyo? It's a musical telephone handset stand. So what, you put your phone in it? I'm pressing down. It's got a nice design. Very 70s, brutalist sort of sci-fi. Orange. Do you like that? I like that. It's fine.

God, Paul, cheer up, yeah? So when you put your phone on to rest on that, that's all you hear all the time? Yeah, why is that good? I don't understand. Why would you want to hear that all the time when you put your phone on to rest on that, that's all you hear all the time? Yeah, why is that good? I don't understand why that's good. Why would you want to hear that all the time when you put your phone down to rest? Perhaps because it means, it will remind you that you've got the phone off the hook. Then you just take it off and then forget. It's a truly weird item and I'm going to have to look it up. What's the use of that?

And that is next to a... A pot. look it up what's the use of that and that is next to a pot a pot yeah so paul now just let's step a step back for a second yeah cheer up mate i got a good tinkle i drank too much and i gotta go tinkle dude oh it's one of those badges, a button badge. I'm not interested in button badges, mate. No? No, it's got to be enamel pin or get out of town. Really?

Or get out of town. Even if it's a really good one? It won't be, though, because fundamentally I hate wearing button badges. I might get it. Bernie in. Beefeater? Oh. Beefeater? Oh, Beefeater. No, that's a me.

I can't bloody find it now. No, it doesn't matter. I'm not interested. Well, I'm interested, Paul. I want to go wee. You badge bully. Turn it and just go wee. Sweet. Right, so let me get this straight. So far today, I've done nothing but go to the toilet.

I've not been able to find anything exciting in a charity shop. The bad shop that I wanted to go to doesn't exist anymore. That's, yeah, that's about the wrong... And you're having a great day. I am. No. No.

So what do we get to do now since it's your day? Well, we've been to Snooper's Paradise. Yeah. And that was very nostalgic. Too much. Too much for you. You had a little panic attack. I had a panic attack.

What we're going to do now, Paul, is we're going to find Brighton Chili Company and we're going to look at some hot sauces. Because he wants his hot sauce, ladies and gentlemen. And who am I to deny it? On our work's day out to Brighton. Day trip. Oh, don't forget we've got to go to the pier.

We're going to end up at the pier. I'm looking forward to it. Have a nice drink and we'll look through our words on the cobbly beach. Maybe have a little cheeky little smoke. All right. Oh, it's all the fun of the fair. Oh, I'm trying to remain enthusiastic. But my soul's broken from all the things I've wanted to do and not been able to.

Oh, well. And I've got to go tinkle for the fifth time now because my bladder is doing nothing but stretching. Do you know whereabouts it is? No, we need you to do a thing. Let me hold... Right, I'm gonna... No, I'll just turn it off. Must remain happy. Oh, so... Shut up. God. And it's hot.

Eli and I found the, er... chilli shop in Brighton. And there's too much chilli for me you walk in and there's a definite ambiance of chilli I was literally standing in the shop and getting a sweat on and feeling

oppressed by the heat mate By the heat... Mate... There was too much chilli in there for me. What do you mean there was too much chilli in there for you? I was like generally feeling the warmth of all the chilli heat coming out the bottles. You're having another panic attack. No I wasn't. Are you too far from home Paul?

Can you not feel the heat? Are you feeling a bit compromised by all the liberal politics around here? No it's not that at all. How dare you? Oh, it's very windy. Where are we going now? I don't know. Well, it's your day out. Didn't you walk in there and just feel a warmth of chilly heat hit you, though?

I liked it. No, and on the other day, I loved it, but for some reason my eyes started to start going. And then my throat was tickling. And, mate, I had to get off. Oh, look at you. Happy as Larry. I'm just up here. Don't shove that in my face.

I'm up here. Shall we go to the sea? Go and see the sea, Paul. Yeah, let's go down. I'm going to go shake away if I can. Oh, I might go shake away and treat myself to a shake away. That will cheer me up, actually. And maybe I can go tinkle nearby. Because I've got to go shake away if I can. Oh, I might go shake away and treat myself to a shake away. That will cheer me up, actually. And maybe I can go tinkle nearby.

Because I've got to piss again. You need to piss a lot. Because I've been doing nothing but drink all day. It's going right through me. Famous playwrights agent lived there. Margaret Ramsey. We're walking past everyone. We're not walking past everyone.

Everyone we're walking past. Har har har. Did you like that chilli shop? Yeah, there were some things. They had some El Necatecos that I haven't seen before. And a lot of stuff I would have picked up if I felt a bit more flush, Paul. But, you know, I can always come back down to Brighton. Yeah, because you spent both your money and my money now.

No, I haven't. Yeah, you took that tenner off me, so I'm down a Brighton. Yeah, because you've spent both your money and my money now. No, I haven't. Yeah, you took that tenner off me, so I'm down a tenner. It's all right. Look, there's some teddy bears in the window. I've not bought anything or treated myself to anything. Well, we're going to have a nice shake now, aren't we? That I'm paying for? It's meant to be... It's not a cheap show to pay for your shake.

Mate, can I just warn you now? I'm getting wrecked on the beach and you're going to deal with me on the way home. Okay, fine. Yeah. I'm going to get tank-hopped in your blood. I'm going to get stopped. Oh, I'll buy you a beer. All right.

I'll buy you a beer. Dip blocks, yards closed. Things are beginning to close now. Where are we headed? We're going to head down to the beach and the pier, aren't we? Shake away. It's one of these roads there. I can't remember which one, though.

Anyway. What about the noodle place? We've got to go to the beach and the pier, aren't we? Shakeaway. It's one of these roads there. I can't remember which one, though. Anyway. What about the noodle place? We've got to go to the noodle place. Shut... No. Well, look for the noodle place for me. You... No.

Please. Mate. My phone is out of juice. Right. I know what they're called. Right. Yum-yums. Right.

Yum-yums. I'll find it. Good. Get off. Right. Yum Yum is just there. You've got five minutes, and then I want you back out. Hey, aren't you going to come in with me?

No. You know what? You're no fun. Look at this place. It's been recommended as... It's a Lord of Noodles. We're not giving him a lordship you just said earlier today you're getting so changed me mind now haven't i because i need to pee you need to have some sugar yeah get some sugar in your bloodstream go on you go in i'm just have to have a little

look there paul i'm having a little peek into yum yum uh oriental grocer oh my god they've got so many noodles you don't mate go on just go to the outside yeah all noodles mate, take a photo of the outside yeah alright, I'll take a photo of the outside of Yum Yum Oriental Market great, I just want to go pee I wanted to buy some treats just want to find something for me to go in and enjoy

and as it turns out it looks like all I'm going to enjoy is getting stoned on the beach going home and making drunken passes at Ely on the train that's the plan, I'm sticking to it now. That's Gannon's mission. Grotty grope with Eli on the train home. Are you done? Yeah, we...

Do you want to hear about what I got? Very good, grocer. Don't shrug at me. Cheer up, matey. Can we just have one day out with you being like cuddly wanked off in a bloody oriental supermarket no we can't right I've got some

sauce it's sriracha mayo but it's made by flying goose who make just the normal sriracha so it's not some kind of western co-opting of sriracha into mayonnaise's not some kind of western uh co-opting of sriracha into mayonnaise it is actually made by the original sriracha makers i'm interested to try it i think it'll be uh probably hotter than uh than the sriracha mayonnaise i've had before

i hate this podcast and i hate oh eliman personally I also got some sweets did you look at these alright now we're talking sweets look they're chews blue raspberry chew

blue raspberry Paul it actually says blue raspberry but you've only got one fruities tootsie fruities and a mango one I've got three

we can taste them all go halfsies on each yeah alright we'll do it alright that's perked me up a little bit now I'm going to have sweets shake away I've got three. We can taste them all. Go halfsies on each? Yeah. All right, we'll do it. All right, that's perked me up a little bit. No, and I'm going to have sweets. Now what are we going to do?

Shake away, shake away, shake away, shake away, shake away, shake away. And then we're going to the pier. Yes, to have all sorts of fun and games all over the car. Oh, look, you can buy Pickle Rick because they haven't over-merchandised that fucking brand to death. Pickle Rick, yeah, it's-merchandised that fucking brand to death. Pickle Rick, yeah, it's a bottle opener. Yeah,

bottle opener. They're kind of jumping on, they must have watched Cheap Show, they're jumping on the whole pickle band. That's what I thought from the beginning, you know.

I've often thought that. Right, so Shakeaway. So what did you think of the Lanes neighbourhood of Brighton, Paul? I've always liked it around here.

I know it reasonably well. Shops come and shops go. So sometimes you go, oh, where's that little place? Like I did today and I didn't get any badges. Like that. That was a good moment

to prove my point. When you didn't get any badges. I got a badge. It's a Golden Wonder badge. Oddums. I don't remember them. They were some kind of weird shaped crisp

I take it and we'll have to look that up later We will have to look that up later but for now it's head down and plough on

to shake away so Paul can do something Paul wants to do I'm fine Not going up that way I think it's the next one over isn't it where we need to go to

it's where Comedia is So it's this way we over isn't it? Where we need to go to, it's where Comedia is. So it's this way, we'll get there. We'll get there. Still people lining up outside the Brighton Tavern. It must be a trendy bar. I mean they all look trendy don't they? She looks trendy, they look trendy, they look young and trendy. They're all wearing grotesque fucking dungarees. I mean they are, I don't know what else to say. I'm just going down here.

No. Why? Let's go one more up. This is Upper Gardner Street. Paul, let me tell you. Yeah? I bet someone has been Upper Gardner down here. Oh, he's not wrong, ladies and gentlemen.

Right, okay. Okay. It makes no difference. We've just gone one road up now. Queen's Garden. Yeah. It's Queen's Gardens. Queen's Garden. Yeah. It's Queen's Gardens. It's not.

Queen's Crab Bucket. The Queen's Royal Crab Bucket. Yes. Christ, it's in full effect. God, that wouldn't be my favourite part of living in Brighton. The fishy stench of the Queen's Crab Bucket. And you're allergic to fish, aren't you? Yeah? Yeah. So you wouldn't like it much at all you couldn't have

fish and chips? As I say it's like living in Aberystwyth except it's got personality and vibrancy and good weather. Does Aberystwyth have a lot of fish bars though? Yeah. I like that. Ladies and gentlemen, as I look up, there are annoying seagulls gliding. They're looking to pounce. They're looking at your eyes. If I could peck my eyes out by seagulls today, we're never doing a cheap show day out again. That would be bad. That would be a bad way to go.

Would you even try and help? Or would you just sit there laughing? What do you mean, would I try and help if a seagull started pecking your eyeballs out? Of course I wouldn't. I'd run. Well, great, well... I might try and peck mine out. Yeah, but you're wearing your cool... Sunglasses. These are not just cool.

Nance shades. These are... Excuse me? You look like a nonce wearing those glasses. I look what? Come back here. Stop walking away from me. I look like a nonce wearing these glasses. Yeah. Why didn't you tell me? Because they're so outlandish, and you look like you're trying wearing these glasses. Yeah. Why didn't you tell me? Because

they're so outlandish and you look like you're trying to hide your view. Don't look. Look, don't try and project on me your terrible, terrible libido. Right, can we just find this shake away? Please. We'll go round in circles, round in circles. Where is it? And I still need to piss. You're doing that? That's still... You're doing me. What? Lonely.

Ah. Round there? Up round there? Or is it down round here? Right, we're going in. I think we're getting close. Okay, so we've done the lanes and Paul's now going and getting a shake, milkshake and shake away, which is apparently his happy place down here because he hasn't been happy.

He's been doing an Eli, moaning. I went and got some sauce from a Chinese grocer. I mean, what else could you ask for but he's been moaning his bladder these days wow he's been needing a piss every few minutes and going on about I just hope he cheers up for the end of the day I have to get him drunk and risk him

making a move on me sexually but perhaps his mood will lift more generally anyway I'm going to have a milkshake as well. I've had a great time. Got some sriracha mayonnaise made by Flying Goose. So those who know what I'm talking about know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean?

So over and out, yeah. Oh, we're at the seafront. Oh, it's nice to be beside the seaside. And, yeah, I'm looking out to sea, Paul, and there's a huge wind farm that I have never noticed before. I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. I count at least 20. Windmills, at least 20.

There's more than that. There's more than that. There's more. There's a bit. So, because the sun's out still and it's still lovely. There's almost 100 windmills out there. Almost 100 windmills. Is that a song? Noills Is that a song? No

Is that a real song? No Paul could you try and do, try something Try and be, stop doing your voice Oh there's a hundred windmills Making the energy, making it go Oh we're on Brighton Beach, don't you know And now we're gonna sit and enjoy the sun

as we pluck out stones from our bum. And here's the guest appearance by Teen Yeti. Oh, hello. I'm popping in this track and dropping my sack, by which I mean my nut sack. Oh, yeah. We're doing this in public. Oh, shut up.

The sweat coming off my drippy, drippy balls. My empty balls mouth. Oh yeah. You are the worst. He's just the worst rapper. He's too new, my man. And I'm coming out with spam. And I've got lots of off ham.

I'm just going to walk away. I'm just going to walk away. No, I'm just going to walk off. You started the song. I'm just going to walk away. No, we're just going to walk off. You started the song. I just was contracted. My fucking manager gives us a call. Eli, can you step outside the podcast? No, I'm not going to step outside.

I still need to piss so bad right now. Why are you talking to me about this? I'm trying to do a lyrics on your tune. Tune yet? Oh, have you heard my name yet? Tune yet? Oh, you've little... You rhymed yet with yet. Tignet oh have you heard my name yet Tignet oh you've little

you rhymed yet with yet little furry fan is getting well oh because you soon oh want to put on a bit

yeah it's Tignet and I'm out and I'm out why don't you do a double act with that guy shaking the coconut and singing I'm out

bye bye Paul bye bye Tignet thanks for your live appearance And I'm out. Why don't you do a double act with that guy shaking the coconut and singing? I'm out. Bye. Bye, Paul. Bye, Eli. Thank you. Bye, Tignette. Thanks for your live appearance on our summertime special. Yeah, that was great. Don't you think Tignette was really good?

No. He seems to be getting better. No. Come on. He just appeared in your song. I want to pee. He said that lyric about little furry fanny's getting wet. I thought that was very good, the way he rhymed it with Tignette as well.

He's brilliant. He's getting wet. I thought that was very good, the way he rhymed it with teen yet as well. He's brilliant. He's really helped us out, Paul. Fuck off. We just had a shake away. It was absolutely lovely. I bought Eli what flavour? I had a raspberry. I was, and then I had a nice toffee crisp one,

and I'm having a lovely time guzzling it down. Is that now? And then teen yet turned up and ruined my good vibes um tell me it's shake away like a worldwide brand is it uh it's not worldwide but there are some places scattered around the uk there's one in watford junction there's one in bournemouth i still believe there's one in brighton i couldn't say any more oh okay but they are a chain yes nice nice milkshake fresh raspberries yeah tasty

now we both need to urinate then we're going to go oh no you're you need to go it's alright we go then but until then I have to sit through a fucking song

by Teen Yet when all I want to do is piss which is what I've been doing for an hour now well I'm not to blame

for your silly bladder in all honesty no don't oh I'm Teen Yet blame for your silly bladder, in all honesty. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- Grot pants? Oh, yeah. That's a word that he might think about using. No, if he could rhyme. If he could rhyme. He rhymes. No, he doesn't. Stop complaining about Teen Yeti. Right. So, anyway, we're on the beach now, the stony beach. We're walking along past all the art and crafts and stuff.

I still haven't got any tourist time. I know. Well, this is a chance. You've spent yours and mine. All I've bought today is two things and every drink you've drank today so well I'm just saying I'm not gonna be able to get any tourist tax I'll get some tourists out there that's fine as the Pope or a cardinal is that good no it's not good it's the absolute is it Nadir or Zenith which is the bottom one Nadir of art

is there a loo along here? yes there is there's a little patchway underneath there and there's a toilet isn't there yeah I know up round here and if you put your foot under the door yeah Oh ho ho ho. What happened? Sucking in sea. Oh, I'm not doing that. Carousel. Oh, oh, we could. Oh, now we're at the seafront, aren't we? This is the summertime, this is it! This is the summertime special. I don't know, I just kind of feel like I need to stand there so everyone knows the wind, the sun, the sky is blue, the sea is blue, Eli's nonce glasses are blue.

There's not many nonce glasses. Shut up. Why are they nonce? I wouldn't look at them. Take that back. My perv glasses. Then why are you standing looking at a merry-go-round as the children go by then? I'm not looking at it. You are fucking looking at them. This has got me. You're reaching new lows. You are fucking looking at them. This has got... You're reaching new lows.

You're reaching new lows here, mate. All I'm saying is, we now know who's the nonce out of the two of us. It's you. That's all that matters. I categorically deny it. You what? I deny that categorically.

You deny that categorically. It's on the record now. It's not on the record. It is. You just said it. So, yeah, the toilets are somewhere up here. There's like a path that goes under the road, and there's toilets nearby. So, if not, we'll have to go to another little restaurant, maybe that one we just passed,

and get some chips and drinks. Yay! Get some drinks in. Cheesy chips. Cheesy chips and some drinks, and we'll sit on the pebbles and have a rolly old go and it'll be a lovely time for all. I've just got to find a fucking toilet. Someone else is playing an instrument Paul. They're singing. Oh I don't like it. I miss the merry-go-round music. I don't like the hat he wears.

What kind of hat is that? It's like a Mexican thing. I thought this lady on the left was singing at first. God. What? Is that a shellfish bar? You know what? It's a shellfish bar. Why won't it give me any then?

You see, those two people all stoned out their heads dancing to the busker. Yeah. Well, they sat down when we walked past, but they have, I think they're just the homeless having a good old smokehouse. Look, a little house called that. Oh mate no. Mate no. No, this is a not fish day. Look at that big bass, hasn't this seagull huge? Look at him. Oh yeah, he's big, yeah.

Big brazen. Look, he's making a noise, watch it, don't look at him. He looks angry. Yeah, well, I'll have him. I'll have him. Right, signing off, I just need to slash. Well, we've both gone wee-wee and we've decided to come back and get some sausage and chips

on the seafront. Having lovely seafront sausage and chips where there's some seagulls giving us the stink eye but um you look like a vicious bastard and also also

it's cheap showing everything but it's a bit expensive for sausage and chips isn't it yeah that's because they got you on the sea front don't they and a lot of tourists

come down here I think they got you by the cohortes yeah it's very expensive but tasty I'm happy with it and also Eli he bought some sriracha mayo sauce, as he went on to some length about before.

The point is that this is made by the people who actually make the sriracha, rather than the people who make the mayonnaise. You know what I mean? Well, that's great. So does that mean it's going to be great sriracha and bad mayo, or it's going to be the other way around? It's going to be the first thing you said. But I just think it's going to be nice sriracha and bad mayo, or it's going to be the other way around? It's going to be the first thing you said. But I just think it's going to be nice.

It's going to have a proper kick. Shall we try some, Paul? Let's try some on our chips. Oh, it's not the seagull. He looks a big... Look at him. Look at the whole gang of them. They fucking mean business.

They do. They mean business. It's like, you know when you're at a pub, and a gang of drunk, heavy-looking guys walk in, and you think, oh, it's through a gang coming or something yeah like some stereotypical group of thugs walk in that's seagulls except they don't want to fight they want your chips let me tell you something right now paul the half on this shit is the fucking absolute do-da-da does this do-do-do-ot count as a sauce report? It's sauce on the road.

So, yes, doot-doot-doot-doot. It's a sauce road show, ladies and gentlemen. It'll be at your town next week. And it's got the nozzle, but they haven't gone for a red. They've colour-coded this, and it's gone for an orange nozzle because that's the colour of mayo mixed with sriracha. And I'll tell you, the nose on it, the huff on it, boom. Right, I'm going to squirt some on now. He'suff on it, boom. Right, I'm going to squirt some on now. He's squirting it on.

And also, I'm going to use some of the sauce. Come on! Right, would you like some? In my head, the carry-on music's still playing and I'm pretending to enjoy the day. Oh, he's just dumping it in the corner. Yeah, you go have a go, Paul. I'm lightly feathering mine across my chips. Delicious. Let's have a little taste.

Oh you're not wrong. Well let's get back to eating our chips and we'll catch up with you guys later. Right we're on the beach and we went into... I found someone's driving license Paul. And I've recommended that you take it home, so because take it home, call the number up on the back and say I found this driving license, they'll say destroy it and then you destroy, and then the person... No, just destroy it. Because maybe the guy... Look, just... No, just destroy it.

No, it's the human thing to do. The human? To inform the traffic police that a man's lost his driving licence. Or you could just throw it back underneath the fucking thing you found it. Great. Someone could use that for nefarious means. No, they couldn't.

Yeah, they could. It's called identity theft, you fucking idiot. They can do much less with just finding a letter from you. Think what they could do with a driving licence. Car fraud. Street gangs. Is that someone or is that a boy? Is that someone in the sea? No, that's a boy over there. Oh yeah, like a B-O-U-Y.

That's what I meant. I just thought you were looking for boys in the water. I'm not. Seems to be something you talk about a lot today. You've gone all dick. Just because you're disgruntled. Yeah, I'm just trying to have a nice time here in Brighton. I was. We had a lovely drink at the Casa Bar and some sausages and some

chips, which you've already spoken about. And then we went into this little cubbyhole with those old-time amusements and crazy mirrors. What are those called? Are they like pinball? They're old-school pinball, is it? Something like that. Because it's like the Japanese... A bit like the... Pinchinko machines. Pinchinko machines. A bit like that, but British style ones. Right, so we went in and we played on the machines and you put 20p in the haunted graveyard and you saw a ghost and a monster and the church opens, the church door opens

and there's a Mumra action figure from Thundercats behind the door. Obviously, they'd lost a bit over time. It wasn't Mumra, though. Are you fucking joking me? Is that Luke? Yeah. What are the fucking random odds of... What are the odds? Lukey boy! Yo.

We're recording, so don't swear, darling. Hello, Con. How you? Good, man. Hang on. Hey. Right, my mate Luke's here, and that's more important than you podcast Good, man. Hang on. Hey. Right, my mate Luke's here. That's more important than you podcast bastards. So, bye. We'll come back later, don't worry.

Because Eli's wearing his nonce shades. He looks very charming. Most nonces do, though, don't they, at first? That's the problem. Get the fuck off. Fuck off! Oh, right. We had a lovely chat with my friend Luke on the seafront. Do you think he found us?

How did he find us? I don't know, it was just random. He just... Rude. Rude. We're doing a podcast, mate. Rude. Rude. We're doing a podcast, mate. Rude. So rude.

Now we're on Brighton. Anyway, we just randomly bumped into my mate Luke. That was nice. Had a nice catch up. Not seen him in a while. Yes. Well, now we're on... Brighton Palace Pier. I've had a Guinness oh god

so so we're going to have a little wander join us why don't you as we wander through Brighton Palace Pier where they did they filmed the carry on at your convenience

day out did they? yeah is that your whole thing you're trying to be like you're in a carry on movie nothing could be that tragic they filmed the carry-on at your convenience day out. Did they? Yeah. Is that your whole thing? You're trying to be like you're in a carry-on movie? Nothing could be that tragic. Besides, I'd be in bed with Barbara Winter by now,

if that were the case. Oh, look, there's the seafront. There's the waves. I like the sound of the rocks all clattering. Yeah, it's good. Listen. And relax. It is quite relaxing. It is a sunny day, all is well.

This is the last remaining pier in Brighton, isn't it? Because the other one burnt down about 15 years ago, was it? It's a while ago now, yeah, but... Didn't the guys come up to it recently and put a flag on it or something? He put a flag saying what, go vegan or something? Yeah, maybe. Vote Trump.

I don't know. But, er... Oh, look, there's the arcade. We're coming up for the arcade. Paul, it's very much a seaside,

sort of seedy, gone to seed, seaside vibe I'm getting. It's kind of like not once was it was in its glory days, not once was it was like not once was it was in its glory days not once was it was

not once was it was in its glory days. What are you talking about? Not once was it was it was in its glory days. Could you try and say something worth it? Look Zoltar.

Oh there's Zoltar he tells What's that mate? What's he say? What'd he say? He makes wishes and he makes small people grow big. Maybe you should make a wish like Tom Antony. You could be a real-sized man.

Yeah. Okay. Soltar. I wish I was big. This hasn't worked. Imagine if you woke up with a massive cock tomorrow. Wouldn't that be great? I'd wake up with a massive cock every day, Paul.

Come on, boy. You have to cut that be great? I'd wake up with a massive cock every day, Paul. Come on, boy. You're going to have to cut that. No, I'm not. You're going to have to get me some more booze, you fucking floozies. Shut up. Oh. Are they rubbers? I think they're rubbers.

We're looking at a shove-hapenny table. Is that what they call it? It's got a Game Boy Eraser, Paul. It's too dangerous to play. You've got more chance of getting a cool monkey. Have I? Maybe. Or a dashund.

Is there a one-piece shove-hapenny? I don't know. Have you got one-piece? I've got one one-piece. Oh, the price of shove 8p's gone up. What's that? It's some kind of Tetris.

And you can win a mini PlayStation. Stop pressing buttons. Right. Oh look, you can get an Avengers bouncy ball. I don't want that. I want to take a picture of that. There's a 10p. This is the big money table.

It means business. Oh, look, Eli's found some gambling machines. You know, it's all the odds are against you. I wouldn't be gambling. You wouldn't catch me on these slots. Especially if you imagine it's just a pier full of all those machines you used to see. How do these machines still exist? It's because they're a staple isn't it? It's just the way it is. Do they pay out ever? Minimally yeah. They all fall down? Well anyway,

more chevapenies. There's quite a lot of chevapini machines isn't there? Look at the Pacman one. You think that's licensed? I like the music. Oh look, Typhoon. A racing game, Eli. A racing game. Do you want a free money cup? Eli, here's a free money cup. It's a trophy for you.

A little souvenir of your day. It's a little coin pot. It's an ice cream. It's not. It's on the top to put change in from the machine. Yeah, but it's not for that. It's for putting ice cream in. I gave you that. It's a little coin pot. It's an ice cream. It's not it's on the top to put change in from the machine Yeah, but it's not for that. It's for putting ice cream in It's a present. I gave you that. It's a present Don't burst it Mate, unnecessary and you're gonna litter now. Don't! You just ripped up my present

Mate it's just noise. It's a different kind of one isn't it? It's different, innit? Yeah, oh look at all those fake coins in there that I think... what's going on with all those coins in here? Those ones? They've just gone in and they weren't big enough. Ain't that the truth, missus? Oh, it's minions. Minions? They're not everywhere. Oh, let's look at the prizes we could win. Where? Oh, this is the exchange your tickets here.

So, if you get 10 tickets, you get a lolly. What? Poo Putty. Poo Putty, yeah, I know. Poo Putty. Hang on, wait there. How much? Wait.

Oh. You've got to get a lot of tickets for Poo Putty. You've got to get a lot of tickets for poo, putty. You've got to get a lot of tickets. Also, there's sticky poo. Tomato splat ball. Mate, this is brilliant. It's not. You've got to get like 100 tickets just to get that. And then you've got to get like 9,000 tickets.

You get a Nintendo Classic Entertainment System. Do you know how much money you'd have to spend to get 9,000 tickets? More than it would cost you to buy a Nintendo thing. He's ignoring me. Oh, it's a sweet shop thing. With a little unicorn.

Take a picture, Eli. Look like you're having fun, mate. There you go. You look like you're having fun. Do you want a bouncy ball, Eli? Do you want a big old bouncy ball? They're shit ones, though, aren't they? I like that action, though, of the crank. I like the action.

Look at that. Nice action. Nice action, Eli. Nice clacker, clacker, clacker, the turning dial before the ball drops out of its nest. Oh, Eli playing air hockey all by himself. No air. It is just noise and lights and toy grab machines.

What's that music? Popcorn. What's that music? That was not popcorn. What was it then you listened to? Sean Michael Jarre with Oxygen Part 2, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. That's what it was.

It was Queen. Oh, I didn't hear it. I thought I heard popcorn. Oh, look at Donkey Darby, Eli. Donkey Darby! I love the music, I can't quite hear it but I love the music. And the horses are off and there's... Well done Tappet. Number three, you won.

That's fun that. What a lot of fun Donkey Derby is. Isn't it? Right, let's walk quickly out the back of this fucking noise box. Sega Remba. So fucking noisy. Isn't it? We're out the back now.

Too noisy in there. of sounds eli here though isn't it nice very nice it's very tranquil very bright though because the sun's bouncing off the waves it's hurting me eyes you need sunglasses oh the fudge shop's closed well paul paul the fudge shop's closed. Well, Paul, Paul, the fudge shop's closed. What, are you going to pack now? Well done, man. What, are you going to nudge now, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? What, am I going to pack now? What, are you going to nudge or pack now?

Fudge and nudge. It's a shame, that, isn't it? Well, look, tourist hat, we haven't bought any of that.

The money's run out, everybody. Yeah. Daddy Sauce has closed the fucking purse. He's tightened the purse strings. Yeah, because you bled Daddy Sauce dry. Step Daddy Sauce. Oh, it's a nice walk up the pier, though, isn't it? Oh, it's a pier.

You can swim out and touch the big wind turbines. Go on. Go swim in the sea. Shut up. Don't like these kids running past me. It puts me on edge. Keep thinking I'm going to fall in. What?

Oh, mate, I've got my hand on my phone right now for that very reason. Eli, there's a Max Miller thing and I'm Brighton's Cheeky Chappy. You've got to put your face in, Eli. But that means getting my phone out, which is slightly more concerning. Oh, he's got a blue book. Quick, get in it. Put your face in it. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen he's going to take a cheeky chappy picture oh he's a cheeky chappy and smile

oh you look great lovely stuff i've never you've never looked so pretty let's see you can't in this light i'll show you when we get in later. Oh, we're doing all the things. You put your face through a picture. We went through the pier. I'm losing the will to fucking remain happy. You've just sloshed. We're nearly at the end of the pier.

And when we get there, I'll say our holiday is over once we reach the end of the pier. Agreed? what about the uh the stuff we bought did you get anything today yeah i got a few things i got froth i got a amikasa su casa and a ganon's golden games which i've added i had to add it to make it work what do you mean because otherwise i would have had nothing so again What do you mean? Because otherwise I would have had nothing. Where did you get Gander's Golden Gents? You mean you just happened to have it in your box?

No, I got it mined. So, yeah. Going past the cocktail cabin. Bars, cocktails, sunset party. And you'd be having one of those right about now. Toffee apples. You don't see them very often, do you, toffee apples? I don't see any now, I just see a sign for it. That's a good point, you've made a good point. Ladies and gentlemen, oh he's had a few to drink. Oh it's me high friend P A U L Paul, you're my best friend in the world. Say it. I'm your best, best friend in the world.

I'm your best friend in the world. Tiddly-pop. There we go. And we've Air Race. Experience mid-air fighter pilot thrills. Closed. Cup and saucers. Closed.

Haunted house, Paul. Haunted house? It's a haunted hotel. It's a horror house. I believe the parlance is actually a dark ride, but it's also a wild mouse ride. And it's called Horror Hotel. Is that open?

Do you want to go on that? No. Why? I've seen videos on it on YouTube and it's arse. It's cash, is it? Yeah. I'm going to take a picture though. You watch me. There's one. Yeah I'm gonna do the rapping song. I'm Team Yeti and this is my bit. Stop! Shut up! Close it down. No. £4.50 to go on that. On the haunted house house you can suck on my dick mate height restrictions apply on this ride you can't go on it then can you where's the height thing i'm i can beat the height

thing is any of you really sure look here we go oh one meter point three Let me take a scientific check. Nice, you looked cool. Your hair kind of lashed. That's a little mini roller coaster, it's Gash. Is it supposed to be bad this roller coaster? Yeah it's cool, it's got a little loop the loop andloop and inverse. It's got an inversion, Paul. That's not bad, is it, really, for something of that size? For a small pier-based coaster, no, it's actually quite, it looks quite cool, even if it isn't like a 30-second ride, if that. Doesn't seem to be running today, though, does it? But that big thing's running, whatever that is,

the crane with the people in, spinning them around. Wouldn't want to go on that. I would vom up my guts. What? Yeah, you're bigger than that as well. You're bigger than one metre four inches, ladies and gentlemen. Why is Eli just measuring himself against every single ride right now? As if to prove a point. Yeah, I know you could.

You're bigger than the rides Eli, well done. Come on, it's loud. Stop playing around with height. Oh it's too loud. What? This is fun, I can see if I'm tall enough to go on all these rides. That's fun isn't it? It would not be fun. Oh there's a little log flume, didn't they have a log flume on the pier? They've got three whole roller coasters down the end of this pier don't they? I say it's not bad, there's a wild crazy mouse, a little log flume, there's that other one, booster coaster or whatever. Let's go in this, in the dome. Oh there's a dome, oh there is a dome, oh. Biddy biddy bid, biddy biddy bop, biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy bop.

Oh it's another little room full of place. Oh it's the same shit, just different. Oh there's a VR pod. That's good in it vr pod yeah like what else oh i like those pin badges oh but they're trapped in a pin hate shove shove apony machine maybe you could just go up to the guy and say give us i'll give you a fiver just get me one no they're not going to do that they It's not in their job's worth. Eli, question. Come here. Yes? Did you fart? No.

No. Absolutely not. No. I wouldn't do one in here. It's public. And it's one that was so bad it followed me around. Fuck, mate. It was so bad.

I was nearly sick in my mouth. All jokes aside. Good. You jokes aside. Good. You deserve it. No, I don't deserve to have your gut mist sprayed in my general direction so it seeps into my mouth and nose. Paul, if there's one thing you do deserve, it's that. You deserve gut mist.

You don't fucking deserve gut mist. It's all the noise. It's noisy, yeah. It's very noisy. Oh, it's that little thing making a lot of noise it's apparently that's a thing back Paul we all know what we should tell people we're on the way back now yeah we're back to all going towards the coast on the pier and we're not going to go through the noise hole again are we gonna walk around the outside we'll circumvent it this time. Go around there. Go around there. So that was our brief

walk up and down the pier. I'm sure you will find it as substantial and unsatisfactory as we found it. What? I'm just saying, they listened to it and they probably went... It's a bit content thin, this one. We didn't go on holiday. We didn't get to the fucking elephant tunnel. Well, that was

your fault. We didn't get to go and do anything. It's your fault because you were chilly and yum yum obsessed. We didn't go on holiday. We didn't get to the fucking elephant tunnel. Well, that was your fault. We didn't get to go and do anything. It's your fault because you were chilly and yum-yum obsessed. We didn't buy any chilly. I've done nothing. Wait till you see my stuff. Well, I look forward to the train journey home. If for no other reason than to see your stuff. Paul.

Kiss a kiss on the beach. Go on. No. Kiss a kiss. What train do we get? Is it Thames it's a big long one that goes from here

to London do you know you can sit in first because there is no first class on those trains well then if there's no first class on those trains you're not sitting in first

because it doesn't exist yes but it still is marked as first so you can sit there and a lot of people won't go in there because they still think it's first

so it's quieter is what I'm saying which I think we should do. We'll give it a go, all right? If we can secure that spot, we will. Right, Eli, I'm going to go wee-wee again. Oh, hell with the time. Well, let me have the recording. I'll just...

No, it's fine. We'll do it later. Why? I'm scared of my truth. Your truth. You're talking to a hamster. What did he say? I'm talking into a hamster?

Paul just got owned I didn't get owned Yes, talking into a hamster I mean it does look like I'm talking into a hamster to be fair because it's fuzzy We've been getting a bit of weird looks actually from people haven't we, today?

Because, yeah, they're boring, man. They don't know what off-scene is, man. Yeah. I'm going to put it away, though, because I desperately need to piss again. See you later. Thank you for joining us on the pier. We're done now. Bye.

I've gone piss again. But this has been the drama. It's like being with a small child. You've needed wheat. I can reveal this to you. Now, listener. Paul almost wet himself. I nearly wet my pants.

And he said, it's alright if I wet myself because I've got some spare jeans in my pants. I do, I do have some spare jeans. Why don't you just whip it out? Swappage. No, I'm not pissing in the street like a fucking animal

like you do. Oh, you're less of an animal just wetting yourself. At least I've got clean trousers to move into. Yeah. So that's the salient part of this to take away

from it all. We're going home now, we're going home now, aren't we? Yeah, now I've had my fifth... What have we not achieved? We didn't get any tourist ship. And we didn't go to the elephant tunnel, and you didn't buy enough stuff.

I got plenty of stuff. And I would have spent more had you not spent my half of my budget. Get a photo of me on Dew Street. No, I'm not getting a picture of you on Dew Street. Come on. You get a photo of me on Jew Street. No, I'm not getting a picture of you on Jew Street. Come on. You get a picture of yourself on Jew Street. You must. You're not even Jewish. Get a picture of me on Jew Street. It's funny. It's not funny of just inherently you getting a picture. I'll do that. Alright, here we go. Hang on. I can't believe it. There you go, happy.

So we're walking back to the station now. We were going to do our swim up on the beach but we bumped into a good friend, Luke, and that kind of meant we just had to be a bit social and be a bit chatty and catch up. Just try and talk properly. So we're walking back now. We've had a lovely day. It's been lovely weather. Sat for a bit on the beach having a nice chat. Lovely. Lovely, lovely. My whole day is summed up by the feeling of nearly wetting my pants.

That's it. That's the whole of my day. My memory of this day will be my bladder discomfort. I had a good one. I had a good shop. Anyway, that's where we stand. Eli wants me to walk down a dark alley. It's darkish.

What? Brutalist car park. Brutalist car park. Yeah, brutalist car park. You going to take a picture for your Instagram, are you? No, because I can't. Because I ran out of juice seven hours ago. Why did you run out of juice seven hours ago? Because my phone runs out of battery.

What are you blaming for my phone? You can't plan for shit. You can't. Get a new phone. Get it portable power bank. You're so bad faith today. You've ruined this day out for me. I have not. You have. You've ruined it by being happy. Hold it. Fuck off. Where's my lighter? I don't know. Did you leave it where you left your green tea? God, you're so resentful. The tea cost 80p and I had some of it

so we're talking about a net loss of about 60p. I'm still angry that I was restricted in my charity shop purchases by being low on funds

because I had to pay for your fucking oriental food addiction. Yeah, you did. I like it. No, it's not good behaviour. I've got noodle flavoured crisps. That's coming up on the cheap eats on the train home. At least if we go at this time of night,

we're kind of missing the ruffians who come out of the pubs. Oh yeah, you don't want to get that. They're all coming in this time, and we're going out. The last time I came down to Brighton, I got on a carriage. I thought, oh, this is nice. Some kids got on. They looked about 20, drinking beer. And one of them was going to the other one.

No, you don't understand, John. He hasn't, Nigel Farage hasn't won. He's not the prime minister. He's not the prime minister. He's like, yes, he is. He's in charge now. He's going to deliver Brexit. And he's like, no, no, he's not prime minister, but he will deliver it. He's like, yes he is. He's in charge now. He's going to deliver Brexit. And he's like, no, no,

he's not Prime Minister but he will deliver it. He will deliver it. Oh. It's all fucked, ladies and gentlemen. This day which began with hope and joy

has become one of desolation. For you, I'm feeling quite a nice buzz. Yeah, everything you've done, every joyful moment you've had today has been at the expense of me. Me nearly pissing myself, the laughter I heard from you. Yeah, it was funny. You with the slight, ooh, ooh, walking, ooh. I'm literally making air fists with my hands because I'm in that much agony.

Sorry, Paul. What was that expression? Air fists. Ha, ha, ha, ha, Sorry, Paul. Oh, shit. What? What was that expression? Air fists. What? Oh, you can fuck off. I'm done. Air fists.

Shut up. Oh, that's classic. As a player, I'm not a fan of air fists. Shut up! Oh, that's classic! As opposed to what? Crown fists! Fucking hate this. I'm never doing this again. Oh, air fists! Oh!

Fucking fists! You hateful little shit! Oh, that's classic! Oh, that's classic! Oh! Fucking piss. You hateful little shit. Oh, mate. I'm losing. I'm nagging.

Fucking great. Some friend he turns out to be. Let's just get to the station, all right? We don't need a table. Hello, it's Jake, ladies and gentlemen. Shut up. Give me the recorder. Can I hold it, please?

No. You're very shellfish all day. Cockles and shellfish. Down in Brighton. You've ruined the day for me. Oh, come on. You've ruined it. Let's have a little sum up. So, we're on the train.

We're getting ready to go. It's going to leave in a few minutes. And we're going home. And I'm quite tired and emotional now. Slightly tired. And I'm a little bit drunk. Yeah. Again.

It's getting to be a trait, this. Right, let's show each other stuff. Are we doing that now? Yeah. Yeah. Can you give me mic time? Oh, everybody We were walking past some people on the pier I think they heard it

And this guy went You're talking into a hamster I'm pretty sure we recorded that Oh, really? For reasons we'll go into later we're going to have to stop this recording because of all the things we didn't expect to have happen. This just happened. So that's all good. We will see you

a little bit later. I'll have another look. Just mind me back while I have a quick look at this. We can't record the show no more. Because two nuns just turned up and sat right next to us. Two nuns! How are we going to do a cheap show with two nuns sitting right next to us? I don't know what we're going to do.

I mean, we could just crack on. We could sit back there a little bit. Okay. And do it that way, so we're not disturbing anyone. Just do it this way. And we've got little tables now. Oh, the train's pulling off! I wish I was being pulled off. Paul, you're not allowing me to talk enough.

Go on then. Some nun sat down. You told them that. That's funny, isn't it? It's like an airplane movie or something. If a man comes by clutching a briefcase to his chest really closely then yeah, you're right.

We're in an airplane disaster movie. Jimmy Biscuits gets to know Die Hard a lot. What's really funny is we were basically going to go into a tirade of swearing God came in and embarrassed us, we got all shy Wow, okay, that was something So, who wants to start? We'll wait until she finishes This train goes everywhere

It goes, as my mum would say, round the houses. Is that it? Yeah. Right. So, let's just... You show me mine, I show you yours. It's not a competition. Paul, I know it's not a competition, but this one, I have definitely won.

So, let's start off with Price is Shy. Nice and traditional you have an item i guess the price i'll get two points if it's on the nose one point within 25p are we agreed yeah all right then i'm gonna get my bug out this is what i got is the price still on it yes yes so take that off i got some hamster in my mouth. Paul, take the price off. I'm doing it. With one hand. Right there. I shouldn't speak too loudly.

They are right there. We haven't moved that far. Right. There we go. Is the price off it now? Yes. Yes. Now, let me hold this while you've handed this to me. Fun. Oh, I saw this. Did you? And I thought maybe for Ganon's Golden Games, but it's not.

Do you think we could play it? I'll explain to everyone. Let's save it for an episode proper. This is a boxed game of some sort. It doesn't look like a board game. It looks more like a card game because it's small-ish. Cards Against Humanity. Cards Against Humanity. Do you think

it's based on Cards Against Humanity? Same kind of thing. It's called Fun Employed the interview game of actual jobs and absurd qualifications. That sounds wacky. It was Kickstarter, successfully launched on Kickstarter. So this might even

have been a toy that was released which means the person who backed it got a copy and then was like, charity shop. You think it was the actual person who actually designed it? A lot of those things do turn up. I certainly haven't heard of this. Do you know what? The whole premise of this

seems a bit sort of stressful. Do you know what I mean? It was meant to be a bit like an improv game. Who enjoys job interviews? Psychos. It's like you've got to be a sociopath

to actually be into that. I saw another one like that. That was called Vote Me. And it was like you have to do a speech on something. Yeah, you see, that would be more fun. Oh, then I should have got that then, shouldn't I?

Yes, you should have. but actually actually i saw this item in the shop because we all went to both the same uh series of shops in uh brighton today didn't we paul yeah and uh i actually saw this and i don't remember the price but i won't say this but lift it up that's better so the oneokney one, was actually more expensive than that and a smaller box. And was it the same shop? No, different charity shop. So I'm glad I got that because I think I got more value for money. Well, it's quite weighty as well.

It feels like it's got a lot of cards in. Do you mind if I open it? By all means. Right, right, he's giving it back now. He's going to open it up. And look, there's loads of cards in there. You can't complain there's not cards. It looks mint on card.

It looks mint in box. It's mint in box, definitely. No, it's really in very good condition so it's got that going for it. Which means it's never been played with and the back of board... God it was like that. In fact those cards look like they're in the factory order that they were put in. Yeah, maybe. I shouldn't burp in front of a nun. I think you're okay with that.

Actually, they don't seem to speak English, but they'd know if we were swearing, wouldn't they? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and they'd give us annoying looks and talks. It was one of the funniest moments I've ever had during this podcast. Seriously, the irony of it. The way you were like, let's do it, we're going to start, we're going to do the recording now.

And we walked for about five minutes to get to the end of the train to get away from everyone. Two nuns randomly just sit right next to us. I mean... It's a sad goal. It would, like, comparable would be if, like, some kind of old, no, if it was, like, a nun teacher with a bunch of schoolgirls

or something like that. Yeah. And don't say anything. Nons or shaves. And don't say anything. Nance or Shaves? Fucking don't. Nance glasses. Do a CRB check. Do you want me to do one?

You've done one. Yeah. Have you? Not recently. But I don't want to have one done. I don't feel the need to. I don't want to be near kids. You apparently do.

Paul, i'm looking at the rules of fun employed oh it's a pun fun employed yeah again it's not it's not making me feel like fun the concept of being unemployed and the concept of job interviews both make me anxious and depressed at the same time do you know what i mean they'll be definitely playing this in a future episode very few things do yeah let it. Yeah, that's why I got it. But look, it looks extremely basic. It's a card building, yeah. No, it's just like an improv game. You pull out four cards that you have to work into a job interview, and then at the last minute they reveal what the job's for, and then you have to kind of make it work. It's basically like an improv game.

£1.50. £1.50, he says. £1.75. What? £1.70. £1.50, he says. £1.75. What? £1.70. £1.70. Put the lid back on. I'm anxious.

I like the chuffity-chuff, chuffity-chuff, chuffity-chuff. It's like we're in the end of Mission Impossible. And Jimmy Biscuit's playing Tom Cools in Mission Impossible. He said £1.70. Yes. It was. £2.50. Ah! It was £2.50. Ah!

The smaller one, vote me, £3.00. Then it was like half the size. Yeah. It's basically London prices down here in Brighton. I should remember that, shouldn't I? You should. But still, not too far out, but you don't get any points this time. No Sir Daddy-O.

Okay, it's now time for my little Price is Shy item. Very excited about this. Picked up, yeah? Yeah. For you, Paul. Oh, so it's a bit picasa-pucasa. Let me just take the label off. Hang on, let me just put this back.

This is very fun, I've never... This is the fastest moving podcast ever, I reckon. Well, the podcast has gone this fast. Ever. Ever. There's definitely people who gone this fast. Ever. Ever. There's definitely people who've recorded on a plane. Cunt. What's this, then?

I'll hand it to you now, Paul. Say what you see. Be careful of the handles a bit. Say what you see. Oh, I saw this. I saw this and I nearly got it myself. To get you. You don't know exactly what it was, then.

Well, it was a Christmas decoration or some kind of kitchen. Describe it. All right. It's basically, it's a teapot. But it's a teapot as if it was designed to look like a kitchen wash basin with a dirty pot and a sink and a towel rail and some drawers. It's basically like... There were other ones, weren't there?

There was one that was like an agar oven, but also a teapot and a sink and a towel rail and some drawers. It's basically like... There were other ones, weren't there? There was one that was like an agar oven, but also a teapot. And a fridge-freezer one. And it reminds me... I mean, what they did was they took a bit of dollhouse furniture and they stuck a handle on and a spout. That's all they really did. I think they actually made it a Fimo. It seems like it's been actually sort of moulded to me.

It looks quite brittle as well, though. I picked the one that was least damaged. Yeah, they were. I noticed that. Yeah. But this is really annoying because you know exactly what the price was. I don't.

I don't remember because I didn't take it in. But I'm going to guess that's £2. That final answer? Yeah. What do you think of it, by the way? Bit of shit.

It's a teapot, though. It's like a washing sideboard. by the way bit of shit it's a teapot though it's like a washing sideboard it's a bit of shit ah there I fixed it look the handle's gone back in now great still a bit of shit it's a teapot Paul

we're pulling into Burgess Hill so if you decide to listen to this podcast in real time by all means do we've time stamped it so you know when we left Brighton you don't tell them when we left Brighton well I said't. Tell them when we left Brighton.

Well I said all the trains moving so when people listen to the bit where I say the train... Tell them actually what time of day it was. It was like 8.58. Are you such a... such a choink. I said 8.58. I got it right. It was, wasn't it? Please mind the gap between the train and the platform. Right, update. The nuns are off the train.

The nuns have left the train. We can now say willies and the platform. Right, update. The nuns are off the train. The nuns have left the train. We can now say willies and bums. And this train terminates at Bedford. Big clam crab bucket. Clamsfield. Nuns crab bucket. Clam school. So.

Let's go and sit there then. Oh, God, come on then, love. We're moving back to our original seating Now that we've lost the nuns We've shook them off Alright here we go More people are going to join this train As we go on into London So let's power on through shall we ducks

Whatever mate I got some good stuff Anyway how much was it Sausage dossier You can't just say two words I fucking can some good stuff. Anyway, how much was it? Sausage dossier. You can't just say two words and expect... I fucking can. What, I can't just say two words and expect it to be funny? What about this?

Minerva pocket. What about this? Um. Pirate ship. That's got to be three words now, unfortunately, isn't it? No, that's one word. Pirate ship. Pirate ship to be three words now, unfortunately, isn't it? No, that's one word, pirate ship. Pirate ship mango.

That's funny, man. No, it's not. Something funny would be like fist titties. That is not funny. Air fists. Now that is fucking funny. Right, well, shut up. We'll move on from that.

How much was the teapot? You said, give us the price again. Two pound. Our survey said. One pound. 50p. Ah, fuck. i overvalued that you totally did so we both fucked that i'm glad you fucked it because i'm sure if you'd actually seen that you would have checked the price i guess you didn't like it that much so i just kind of glazed over when that was like and i was like ah i kind of like things that are shaped like something that isn't what it is but it's shaped like a teapot yeah i've got

that one that is the old-fashioned radio did you see my little porcelain old yeah yeah that's shaped like a teapot yeah than this that's definitely better than this but you know good eye paul we've done price of shite now i want presents i want So, where's me casser? All right. Sue casser for me, Eli. Right, I'll get it for you now. As we pull into Wivellsfield... If there's one thing that I know about Eli, he's a fat cunt. If there's two things I know about Eli, he's ugly and fat cunt.

Oh, fuck! Ugly. I was going to be poignant. You're putting me off. Hang on, you just said, I want presents like a five-year-old. You don't get to be poignant. I do want presents. Me does wants presents, though. Basically, you like comics, don't you? Yes.

You like sci-fi, don't you? Yes. You'd like comics about sci-fi, wouldn't you? Sometimes. So I got you this. I saw this in the British Heart Foundation. And it was one pound. Here we go.

Shh. Is it dirty? Go. What is it? Oh, classic illustrated The War of the Worlds by HG Wells. Featuring stories by the world's great... Oh, I like these ones, actually. I do like these.

Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Oh, this is pretty cool. It's War of the Worlds. But it's almost like an EC style... Well, no, I would even say it's like a kind of dander 2000 AD-ish kind of thing. But they do literature. I remember, I think I had one of these comics,

but for a different book, of these classics illustrated series. Well, that's nice, Paul. Thank you. It's a bit pulpy, isn't it? But it's got... It's very simple in its drawings, but it's got and it's it's very simple in its straw rings but it's got a nice style. And look it's got like notes on the kind of HG Wells and the themes in the story almost like sort of uh pass notes for an English literature exam. Discussion topics.

See it's good this isn't it? It is quite good. It's literally trying to be sort of like a textbook version of a great literature bit. How do we get these fucking kids to read a classic book? Ah fucking bang out a comic and put some questions on the end. That's the first one ever and it cost five quid originally. I don't know what year it came out. Probably 90s. It can't have been that long ago.

2014. Oh fair enough. Yeah. That's this. Obviously didn't do very well, did it? I think it was part of a series of kind of books, you know, that came with a magazine or something and so you bought. No, I guess not.

Number two is Oliver Twist. Number three is Robin Hood. We make classic stories palatable by drawing them with lovely pictures. Christmas Carol. 2,000 leagues, 20,000 leagues under the sea. They've just got all of those kind of. The Gold Bug. Do you know what that is? And other stories. The Gold Bug, I think, is it? 2,000 leagues 20,000 leagues under the sea they've just got all of those kind of the gold bug do you know

what that is and other stories gold bug I think is it well isn't it a Edgar Allan Poe

story could well be because they've got other ones on here anyway got kidnapped that was good

my dad read me kidnapped who's that by Robert Louis Stevenson who also did Treasure Island and

that's it is that the only two? I think so. Right. Robert Louis Stevenson. What do I get now? What do I get? What do you mean?

Well, is there a Mikasa for me? I thought you just gave me a present and now I've jacket and you watch. Oh, of course I've got you something, Paul. Now, you like small things don't you yes you like miniature things don't you yeah and i i as an aside remember i bought those two tiny pointless things from a charity shop it's like a little weird lego globe and a little tin can for

green beans yes you can see those. I admire both those objects, and I understand why you bought them. But we'd really like some explanation of the Lego thing. Yeah. I'll post a picture up on Instagram and on the website, www.thecheapshow.co.uk, because there's not much to talk about this. It's a small, what looks like a kind of crystal ball, but with a weird pattern in the side. I'll put a picture up.

You can have a look. If anyone knows, get in touch. Yeah, so those were good. And you like small things, don't you? I do. You like miniature things, don't you? I do. That's why I do a podcast with you.

Here is a little piece of miniature tat for you. It's Mikasa Tsukasa on the train, Paul. There you go. Say what you see. Oh, I'm liking this already. The Doll's House Emporium. Established 1979. It's a little blue box, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm excited to open it. I'll open that for you. Yeah, open it. Point it in your mouth. Okay. Right. I'm lifting the lid up. It's a little tiny plate.

It's a little china plate. A little Dollhouse Emporium. Silver Jubilee, 1979 to 2004. A little commemorative tiny dollhouse plate. And it's commemorating the actual Jubilee of the company that makes

these miniatures. It's celebrating itself. Yeah, and it's weirdly self-referential isn't it? Because it's a small plate that you put in a dollhouse. Yeah. Those layers of sort of metal. You have to lift it up off the bag because it rattles every time you touch it. There's kind of layers

of reference and it's quite a nice little thing that. My ears are still attached to this you wank. Fucking idiot. It's quite a nice little thing you have to admit.

I actually do like this. It's a lovely little thing. Can I have a little look at it? And I can put a tin of green beans on it can't I? Yes. Next to it. Yes. Yeah. You wouldn't eat off this. This would beans on it, can't I? Yes! Next to it, yes.

You wouldn't eat off this, this would be for display. Wouldn't it? You could put a tiny sausage on. It'd be best China, this, wouldn't it? Well, you wouldn't eat off it, it just goes on the shelf, on the mantelpiece. Gold's House Emporium, Silver Jubilee, 79 to 2004. So we can assume this was produced in 2004. Yeah. And that was produced in 2004. Yeah.

And that was 15 years ago. So it's nudging antiquity, isn't it? So 15 plus 79, 89, 29, 25 years. It's 25 years, Silver Anniversary. Yeah, Silver is 25 No Yeah What's 79 plus 25?

2004 That's it Silver DVD So then It's 15 on top of that So what's that? Is it gold? What's what gold?

15 25 40 What's 40th anniversary then? Because that's what it would be now. Oh, but it's the 40th anniversary. It's 2019, isn't it? That corresponds. I think it goes 25.

We at Cheap Show would like to celebrate the 40th puce anniversary of the Dollhouse Emporium. I wonder where the Dollhouse Emporium is. Unless it's closed down. Where do you think the Dollhouse Emporium is? We it's closed down. Where do you think the Dollhouse Emporium is? We can find out on another episode. I think we should find out on another episode. I'm not going to do it now. I can't be fucked.

Look at your phone for the pod. And just to let everyone know, Paul, this present that I got you out of the kindness of my own fucking heart, and, like, you know, got your best interests at heart, you know, got your back, mate, you know yeah is it depicts a sort of building you are repeating things you said two minutes ago put it back in the box and give it back to me I want it I want it from a little tiny tinned peen I am NOT repeating anything I'm a little tin of beans we spent exactly the same amount of money on each other.

A quid. And yet you still rinse me for 30 on your yum yum and your bloody other addictions. You get your tenner. I get the receipts. I was like, oh, where are the receipts? I'm going to pay you back that tenner, Paul.

Is that what this is about? Yeah, this is what it comes down to. I want that tenner back. That should have been cheap shit allocated money to me to spend on sweets and candy. I got noodle pimping sauce with it. Oh yeah! Noodle pimping sauce.

I'll pay you £3.30 which I spent on the noodle pimping sauce. Right, so what else have you got in your bag? A lot. A lot of stuff, Paul. Because we're meant to be doing a show, yeah? Where we do things. i need to wrap this up i'm getting bored i'm tired and a little bit drunk and i might need to pee again i'll go for a pee no we're going through the end no you go no i'm not doing anymore i'm not i'm not going for a

piece with your pressure of you trying to go for a pee i'm going to do swath shop here we go froth shop ladies and gentlemen what have i got so went to shop. This is not fun for me. I'm just going to do two froth shops and save the rest for another episode. Why? We were on the train. We've got loads of time to do it. Don't give me looks. Froth shop one. I got milk chews. We talked about it in an episode so I thought, oh look, it's milk flavoured chews. You're not in this segment. Do the other ones you've got. No, I'm having a milk chew. Well, just have one and don't mention it.

It's a white, chewy candy. Like a Chew-It or a Fruitella. Which isn't officially part of Froth Shop. Now, get the first official Froth Shop out. No, I'm having a milk chew. It's part of the taste test, isn't it, that we do on Chew-It? I'm in charge of Froth Shop. You're not?

I've got Froth Shop things. I'll do my of froth shop. You're not. Especially on the move. I'll do my own froth shop. Mmm, I'm chewing it. It tastes creamy. Makes me sick thinking about it. Do you know what it looks like? A cube of spoff that someone has fucking put in a milk tray. In a... I was going to call it a spoff drop.

It's not a drop, though. It's a cube. It's an ice cube made of spunk. Spoff dollar. That's what a drop, though. It's a cube. It's an ice cube made of spunk. Spoff dollar. That's what you'll put in your mouth. Do you have some chunks? Yeah, good. Anything else?

Something nicer? Poor. I don't have that big spunk on my tongue. We'll do this. Go to the loon. Go to the loon. No. Sort yourself out.

No. So I'm going to carry on. Look, we're on the nice bit. Go and punchon. No. Sort yourself out. No. So I'm going to carry on. Oh, we're on the nice bit. Look, we're on the nice bit. Now, when I went to a little sweet shop to buy this stuff, the man behind them went, oh, these are from Japan. They're really good.

They're called haichu. I've had these before. Get the fuck off. You're not in this episode now, are you? He said you're not going to be in it. So I'm carrying on without you. So I got strawberry haichu and pineapple haichichu And I can't wait to try them out Let me try one

No Hello I'm on the mic now And I'm looking in his bag What's he got Give us half of one of those What flavour is this Strawberry That's good too isn't it Give us half of one of those. What flavour is this? Strawberry.

That's a good chew, isn't it? They've perfected the whole chew. That's got a real... Gummy. It's an extremely gummy chew, isn't it? Immensely fruity and intensely chewy candy. It is. They've done it. They've done something that is more like a Frutella than Frutella itself.

Do you know what I mean? It's a long chew. It's a very long chew. I'm still chewing it. And an intense fruit burst. I can't wait to try the lemon one. Pineapple. Oh.

Now, pineapple, is that a flavour that you go for usually, Paul? Yeah. You like it? Done well, a pineapple candy is an absolute delight. But you don't like watermelon because of a secret shame you have with it. That no one can understand. My secret watermelon shame. It's now time for the watermelon shame.

Pineapple. You've got a secret shame about your watermelon dislike. Of course, you have a hatred of Vajarji. You do. I don't. Vajarji fears me. That's a horrible thing to say. Oh, we're coming into Balcombe.

Nice, isn't it, this? Do you know what? Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes, my balls get really hairy and I need a ball comb. No, but Paul, my balls get really hairy

and I need a ball comb. A ball comb, yeah. I want to pull my nuts. I hope people get on right now so you calm the fuck down, you monster. I'm calm. Let's I want to pull my nuts. I hope people get on right now so you calm the fuck down, you monster. I'm calm. Ah!

Let's do those in a different episode. Yeah? We're doing those in a different episode. Maybe I want to do them now. It's Paul's day out. Paul, let's not do them now. Come on. What's this, ladies and gentlemen?

What is it? Don't do them now. We need to be sober to do that. Don't do them now. Paul, put them back. All right, then I'll pick... Put them where they are, then. No.

No. If Cheap Show fans will know, proper cheapskates will know that we just played with. To everyone who's just more of a casual listener, those were... You just said that out loud,

but you know I'm going to edit this and just cut that out. So what's the point? Why are you being so bad fake? Because you've ruined my fucking day out. You've ruined my day out to Brighton. He's manufacturing conflict when in fact he's just a lazy... Is that your coffee cup?

Yeah, but it's empty. So thank you for your concern. What else is there more to eat? Shall we try those? As a comparison, Paul. Paul, let's try my little chews that I got from the yum yums. Let's do your one then. I'll save the rest for another froth shop, those candies, alright? What are the milk ones like?

They're fine, they're just like a kind of creamy... Can I have one please? Yes. You said you didn't want to have one. Well I feel better about it now. So can I put my spoff drop in your mouth? You can deposit a cube of chunky spoff into my gob hole, yes. Oh, it's coming, ladies and gentlemen. It's coming home. It's coming. Football's coming home. Where'd I put my sweets, man? He's lost his sweets. Have you lost my recorder as well

while you're at it? No. Good, I'll take that back now. I hope not. Mate, if you fucking lost that, I feel sorry for the person who finds it. Although, the person who picks this up and listens back to you going, ah, why did you came to Brightwood with my girlfriend? Said what?

You, your little sad story. I didn't do my sad story. Oh, did you not? No, let's do it now. No. Come on, give me it. I don't care for it.

I don't care whether you care, Paul. Here's your suite. Do you want the suite or a story? I'll do the story. Do you want a suite? No. Paul, coming down to Brighton today with you has made me remember some things, you know, things in my life.

Times I've been to Brighton before, I've been quite a lot, you know. Ex-girlfriend, you know, little boutique hotel. Had a curry. Watched Festin. And had a fuck. Okay, that's it, it's over. Memory lane is over. Remember Festin?

Remember that film, Festin? No, it was that one Downton Abbey, no. What's that film? What is that film by the director of MASH? Gosford Park Yes, thank you, that's it Gosford Park, we watched that It's a nice hotel

Yeah, I can cut that out, it wasn't necessary Do not cut that out I cut what I want out It's my show You've been such a wanker Don't drink, you shouldn't drink then. What you should do is get your candy out. What?

I'm doing it. Give me a minute. You have got utter shit for brains, you know that. I don't, you do. No, you have complete piles of warm, stinking, fly-attracting shit for brains. Why are you being so... You have ruined my day out to Brighton. How have I ruined it? By having a good day out, you've ruined my day out.

Everything was about you. I want to go chilly. I want to go yum-yum. What did you want to do? Nothing. I wanted to find the bad shop. I didn't have time. What bad shop? The bad shop with all the badges. I wanted to find the badge shop. I didn't have time. What badge shop?

The badge shop with all the badges. You tried to find it. It's gone. Your stupid badge shop is gone. I've got a nice badge, but you won't do button badges. Button badges I don't like. I'm sorry. It's just not what my... I like a nice enamel pin badge. So sue me.

There's room for all types of badges in this world, Paul. 28 minutes. Come on, wrap this up. It's been a long episode. I'm sure our listeners don't care for it. We're going to have to go over all of this stuff I've got in my bag, Paul. That's the whole point of the fucking show. I've got other things to show you. You want me to hold the recorder?

No, I just want you to carry on searching for stuff. But apparently you can't find it. Just let's have a pause while I find the sweets. We can commence again. We're going to go for a pause then. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we have an interval coming up. Because Eli Silverman is a feckless... Just press stop on the fucking thing, Paul.

Stop doing your voice. I'm not doing a voice. This is me saying to you, you've ruined me day out to Brian. I keep, you're like a broken record, mate. I'll break your record. Ah la la la. Ah la la la. Just stop it.

You stop it. While I find these sweeties. Go on. Right, we're back in the room. I found the sweets, Paul, that I bought from Yum Yum, which is a recommendation from Mark Allen for great noodles. I didn't actually end up buying any noodles there because it was a familiar, strong but familiar selection to me. Kind of like the charity shops themselves.

Yeah, you were kind of disappointed with the charity shops, weren't you? Last time I was here, I came home like a bandit. I walked out of here like a bandit. I'd get board games and stuff and clothes and all sorts. This time out... You came home like a bandit, meaning you were tiptoeing in a stripy shirt. Yeah, like that stand-up Roy J. Slither.

Shut up. Spook. So I picked up some... Slither. Some chews. You picked up some what? Some chews by the checkout in this yum-yum. Yeah.

Oriental ghost is what they call themselves. You stole sweets from a bowl at the front of a cash register. Now, there are two types. Two which are called peach chews and blue raspberry. Blue raspberry chews. I like that. We're interested in that because it's something we've discussed on the show before. Three Bridgers.

That's where we are now, everyone. Jeff. Lloyd. You can't think of another man called Bridgers. There is another Bridgers brother, isn't there? Yeah, but you don't know his name. Do you? No. Jeff Lloyd Harry. Do you? No.

Geoff Lloyd Harry. You just said Harry? Yeah, so... He's not called Harry. And this is the third type, which is a Tootsie Fruitsie. These are sweets that are called Fruitsies and they're manufactured by Tootsie. Tootsie, but they're called Fruitsies. Yeah, no, we got it.

Now, which one do you want to have go first? It's mango, peach and blue raspberry. Mango. Now, mango sweets are quite nice, I think, on the whole, aren't they? I like mango sweets. I like them on the whole. I'm having a mango. I'm having a mango not very flavourful

no and most of the flavour is sort of like an apple concentrate kind of flavour yeah and then the mango is sort of trying to get through that

doesn't really get through it can't get through this well I hope these are better what's the next one I hope these are better. What's the next one? Peach. But these are different, and these have a little lady on it. Oh, little lady.

They're harder. Watch out. Oh, that is harder. A bit tougher. Tastes of peach, though, but softer. Not very good good is it? Compared to the Hi-Chew. The Hi-Chew is out of this world. It spoiled me for chew sweets forever.

It really did. It's got a little farty aftertaste this peach one. Have you noticed that? Look how blue this blue raspberry one is. Oh you've dropped it you wank. It's just gone there. Right, you ready? Oh it's got hair on it. Dropped it, you wank.

It's just gone there. Right, you ready? Oh, it's got hair on it. Great. The weakest of the bunch. Almost tastes like Daz. Yeah, it does not taste of raspberry at all. It reminds you of, like, Sunday in a Laundrette.

It's quite soapy, yeah. Those were not good at all. I wouldn't get those again. We recommend Hi-Chew. Yeah. Fruity Tootsies. We do not recommend you. Or these,

which don't seem to even have a brand. There's one... For the best? The mango is Fruity Tootsies. No wonder they were fucking giving them away. They were 10p each, which is a lot, actually, for something that size, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, disappointing. Those Hi-Chews were 10p each. Man, they were much better. To be fair, I could have been chewing that for a lot longer, kind of wolfed it down. We could have got whole packs of high seeds, which I'm going to consider. I did. They had dark cherry and I feel like dark cherry, I should have gotten it. Wow, that would have been blaow.

We would have been spunking arcs of fucking food jism. Food jism. Across this carriage. Chewing on the... Right, what else? Now. I bought some crisp, Paul, today. This is one of my favourite items I've got all day today. I'm actually in just about these.

I've never before seen... crisps... that were... a noodle brand are doing a crisp. Okay. I've seen other snacks. For example, the Sam Young Hot Chicken Ramen coated almonds. Oh, yes.

And also, it would be kind of like pot noodle doing a bunch of crisps based on the flavour of chicken and mushroom. Exactly like that. Imagine that. Pot noodle never did that, did they? But if you're listening, pot noodle, get on that. To my knowledge, I've never seen a pot noodle branded flavoured crisp. Have you? No, but if anyone does

that, it's our idea, if you're stealing it. They have done, I did see in that shop as well today, which I think we should do on the show again sometime, Samyang hot chicken ramen noodle snack, which is a dry noodle but meant to be eaten dry. Oh, yeah, like a Slim Jim kind of

thing. A Slim Jim is a sausage product. No, Oh, yeah, like a Slim Jim kind of thing. A Slim Jim is a sausage product. No, but you know, like, it's an instant, you eat it out of the pack. Yeah, you just eat it out of the pack, yeah, like a snack, yeah. But it's a noodle pad. Yeah. Chicken ramen flavour. Like, get the crisps out.

But these are the first I've ever seen, packet crisps, and these are Indomie branded and it's natty goreng flavor Indomie great solid one of the top three instant noodle companies in the world Paul they have a vegetable noodle which is got a three pack it's a two packer what fucking day gets worse it's a three packer Paul but one of them has got a very oily gingery pack and it's a unique flavour. They've cornered the market in the gingery, nice gingery zesty noodle.

They're good. They're a good brand and I've got high hopes. Is this Gatwick Airport? Yes, this is Gatwick Airport. If you look out the other window... Oh, I can see the planes. I should have looked out that window, not the car park. You can't see planes though, can you? Now you can see the planes. I could see a plane just before the planes were obscured. I hope you did see the planes. I should have looked out that window, not the car park. You can't see planes, though, can you? Now you can see the planes. I could see a plane just before the planes were obscured.

I hope you did see a plane. You weren't lying about seeing a plane. I don't want to lie about seeing a plane. I was just on one. Here they are, mate. The brand of these is Chitato. Chitato, it's a wonderful town. Chitato potato crisps.

Indomie, there's the brand there. Mee goreng, fried noodles flavour. These are noodle flavoured crisps, Paul. We need the Huff Report. So let's dial them. Give it a shake before the Huff comes in. Oh no. Are people going to interrupt us in our... Yeah, so hurry up.

I want to get this done. We're not going to be able to do it now. Everyone's getting on the train. Oh, everyone's a bunch of cunts. We're going to have to do it at the station. We're going to have to finish this episode at the station. We're going to have to. We're going to have to.

Yeah. Oh, no, hang on. Hang on. We're waiting it out. Let's do it. Let's get the huff on these. Let's just open it up and get the huff on. We can get the huff in.

Look, there's no one down here. They might walk up. Come on. One word. Barbecue. They are roast beef flavour. The nose knows. Beef flavour. They are identical to roast. The Huffington Report is in

and it's a strong beef report, Paul. A bit like when I walk behind you in the... on the pier. Have a sniff. Oh, you're right. Do you know what I mean? They smell like beef-flavoured crisps.

Generic sort of beef-flavoured crisps, don't they? But what's the flavour going to do? That's the question. These are crinkle cut. For best holder flavour. All right, that's that one. Oh, yeah, man. I'm going to have some. They've got a kick. Oh, those are good. Oh yeah man I'm going to have some

They've got a kick Oh those are good Oh they are nice How would you describe that? It tastes like The noodles It's a spicy Sort of very umami sort of...

Fragrance. Yeah, almost aromatic with a sweetness as well. Like a cross between roast beef flavoured crisps and sweet Thai flavoured crisps. Yeah, that's it. That's exactly right, yeah. Well done. You've got the depth, the umami depth of the beef. Umami depth.

And the sweetness and the spiciness of the sweet Thai chilli. I'll have one more. Don't throw it out because I don't want to take pictures of this before we go. Well, I'm pleased that two foodstuffs I'm well into have come together so well in this product. And look, it's even got a picture of chopsticks on the cover of these crisps. Chopsticks picking up a crisp as if they were noodles, which you'd pick up with chopsticks. That's a very satisfying flavour of crisp, and the crinkle cut is a very wise choice.

Great work. Have you got anything else to show me? Because I've got other stuff. I've saw the little mini things and that. It's fine if you didn't. You didn't have a great day, did you, Paul? I mean, across the board, no. I've nearly pissed myself three times.

I've had people fart on or next to me. You've rinsed me out. I've got... I dropped 20 quid in the toilet. And someone's just gone to dump their fucking guns. It's got to travel this way, that smell. Oh, I hope it doesn't.

Mate, let's do one more thing from your bag. No, no, I think we should cover all of the stuff that I've got. There's about three items. I'll do it quickly, alright? Let's go for it. In the top three. Eli's top three. This is it.

This is how we get a top three in. Ow! This is how we get a top three in. Don't get violent. Eli's top three. It's not a top three. It is. Pretend it is.

I'm not going to pretend it's not a top three. It's just things I bought in Brighton today. As editor of Cheapshow and producer, it's Eli's top three. Here are three things I bought in Brighton today, which was meant to be a nice day out for me, the worker, in Cheap Show office, but the boss has got drunk and abusive, basically, on the way back. After almost pissing himself. Gannon's Golden Games, Paul.

Who's this? Waddington's. Say what you see. It's Waddington's Jack Straws. Basically, you dump a lot of little plastic toys on a desk, and then you've got to pick them up without disturbing the others, depending on some fucking reason. Like pick-up sticks? Yeah, that's basically what it is, pick-up sticks.

But with nice little plastic toy things instead of pick-up sticks. Only time I ever saw those was in children's wards and hospitals. What, this? Yeah, that and Fuzzy Felt. They always turn up in children's wards and hospitals. What, this? Yeah. That and Fuzzy Felt. They always turn up in, like, children's ward hospitals. Do you think this was maybe from the NHS hospital in Brighton? Who knows. Well, I'm opening it.

The tape is very brown from years of... Not being open. Not being open. It also makes you wonder if it's... Oh, what a load of fucking shit. There's a magnifying glass in there. There is a magnifying glass in there, though. So, Brucey bonus.

That's a good, innit? Do you like that? That's a Brucey bonus. What do you need it for? That's all it is. How do you pick it up with this little hook? No, that comes with it, so you can look closely and see exactly what bit you need to pick up. Do you don't like that at all?

Maybe it's worth doing a cheap show video on. Yeah, I think we should. All right. There's that. Look, there's a little broom. Little mini things. I quite like the little... I'll take a picture.

It'll be documented. So Jack Straw's, Waddington's, Target Games. I'm going to give that out of ten, three. Shut up! You're not giving these out... This has to have some kind of ten three shut up you're not giving these out this has to have some kind of

context this section can't be just you show three things it's either a top three which I therefore

have no comment upon or it's a Paul Gannon reviews the things you've got it's my top three things I bought

in Brighton today that's number three Paul Gannon he's a cleverest man in the trade you know what you're just a cunt who's like

you're just a fun but you're a black hole that sucks the train. You know what? You're just a cunt. You're just a fun. But you're a black hole that sucks the fun out of things. You know that? Don't look at me like that. It's giving me the psycho look now. Item number two in your top three lists. No, I might have more than three items. You said three.

So now we're sticking to three. No. Unless one of them's the platter, in which case that's a separate issue Unless one of them's the platter, in which case that's a separate issue. One of them's the platter. This is the platter, Paul. Right, let's have a look. I'm handing it to you.

Beatles, Movie Medley, A Hard Day's Night, Yellow Submarine, Let It Be, Help, and Magical Mystery Tour. So, is this the kind of Stars on 45 type thing? I don't know, it's interesting though, isn't it? It contains excerpts from the following songs from the album Real Music. And it's got all those tracks and then there's

B-Siders I'm Happy Just To Dance With You from the album A Hard Day Is Nice. So maybe this is some kind of it might be a cut-up medley. We don't know. It's produced by

George Martin with reproduction for disc by Phil Spector and recorded in England. This compilation, 1982. I'm just... That's a strange thing, isn't it?

Pretty good plan. It looks like a knock-off. It looks like you'd expect it to be like John Hammond's organ orchestra. It's got a peculiar painted cover with a sort of guy in a fancy dress sort of weird rabbit head. That's from a

Magical Mystery Tour. Yes, of course. It's like the people from the Magical Mystery Tour getting out of a limo, the Beatles with the walrus head down there as well from that. I am the walrus. And two different versions of the Beatles going into a cinema. And then all

their films are represented by segments of songs. But what do you think the medley is? It's either a kind of Jive Bunny-esque mash-up of everything. With their voices actually on, you think, really? Right. So, you know, like, it's been tempo-adjusted, so it all has the same beat. So it's like Stars on 45.

Or could it just be sort of orchestral movie music versions of all of those songs? Well, no, because the tracks are all specifically songs, aren't they? You've got to hide your love away, I Should Have Known Better, Hard Day's Night, Ticket to Ride, they're all... Do you think it's the versions of those songs that were on the OSTs, the original soundtracks of those films? Yeah.

Perhaps they did different versions of the songs to the soundtrack. It'd be interesting for you to discover what's on that when you get home. Yes, I will, and I'll report back to everyone about that, but that is my platter for today. The Beatles Movie Medley, seven-inch single, with a picture cover. This is probably my favourite item, Paul, of the whole trip.

It's a Flexi. You know, we're into Flexis. Flexi is very much on Cheap Show's mind. We covered that book of Flexis from the Johnny Trunk book a few episodes ago. And I've been trying to locate all my Flexis, get them into one place. Good thing about flexies,

you can store a load of them in a big pile. Or an envelope. Now, have a look at this. It says Party Time Hits Record by Epicure, and it looks... Oh, what a strange selection of songs. Side one, Simon Says, Yellow River, Obladi Obladad and Amarillo.

It's a strange collection of songs and moods and styles that could swing through. What's on side two? Side two is Hey Jude, Satisfaction, Aquarius and Bad Moon Rising. Again, four very different types of song. It's a two-sided flexi, Paul. Which is always a pleasure. That's good, isn't it? It's in good nick.

It's in reasonable nick. It hasn't got any folds. Which is important. Very important with flexes. But this company, Epicure HP, says here, Epicure HP Pickles. This was a pickle promotion record.

It's a pickle promotion party record. Yeah, it's a pickle promotion party record. It's a pickle promotion party. Now, we can actually listen to this on a future Platters, can't we? Yes, maybe we'll go into

a bit more detail about it at a later thing and maybe find out a bit more about Epicure Pickles. And they actually had the... Oh, do you think it begins with

Hello, I'm Thomas from Pickle to Pickle hoping you'll enjoy these choice cuts of songs. Good crunchy pickle. Every Englishman Er, the... Oh, do you think it begins with, Hello, I'm Thomas from Pickle to Pickle. Hope you enjoy these choice cuts of songs. Good crunchy pickle. Every Englishman in his home likes a good crunchy pickle. He crunches down hard on a cucumber. A knobbly, knobbly cucumber.

Oh, I love it. Oh, I'm doing the Paul thing. And just like a pickle, we hope you find these following modern tunes a real jolt of joy in your mouth. A tangy jolt of joy. Now, you can see things. There are pictures of pickled vegetables on the cover. Now that I've noticed, it's like a magic eye picture. It revealed all the detail I'd skimmed over.

The cover has, in all four corners of the cover, you've got like an onion there. I think that's a pickled cucumber. Some cauliflower. Beetroot. There's a gherkin, your classic gherkin. You can't go wrong with gherkins. Beets, beetroot, yeah, cauliflower. It's good that. So they make pickled veg and party time hit medleys. Possible future platter is this very strange record I also picked up for. Oh I've seen that around you know. Have you? Yeah but I never picked it up because it looked gash. It does look bad. It's on a weird label strand and it's definitely a European Gemma or that little Gemma sign on the label always means it's French or maybe Italian.

little Gemma sign on the label always means it's French or maybe Italian. And this is Aquarius meets Cancer on side two. And side one is all over the ocean by a group called Dusenberg. All joking aside, we have to wrap this up soon because otherwise we'll have recorded for the whole of this journey. It'll be an hour. Mate, just cut some out. It's all gold. This is our summertime special.

It's our jolly boys day out,, mate. Alright, I just want to mention one last thing, yeah? One more last thing and then I can just fucking relax. I've got a listening and reading Stig of the Dump book adapted from part of the story by Clive King. Remember Stig of the Dump? No. I mean, I know the name but I don't know what it's about.

You never knew Stig of the Dump? It's this boy, he goes to a dump and he finds there's a Neanderthal man still alive living in the dump. So it's a bit like the film California Man. Or Encino Man if you're in America. It's Stig, look. Stig in the cave. I'm Stig. You Stig of Dump.

You are Stig of Dump. Look, what's going on there. He's looking for the bottom of a milk bottle. So this is a section of the book that maybe had a cassette with it as well. No, I don't know. Because it says listen and reading. I don't know. It doesn't seem to.

It doesn't seem to mention any of that. I'm looking at the bill matter at the back here, at the front. Or maybe they've just been listening and reading in terms of the teacher reads it out. That's what I think. It's for classes, yeah. And then you read. It says there, stage two, doesn't it? So obviously it's a stage two reading. It's educational.

It's got a real BBC 70s vibe to it. Again, you can see photos of this, and it was published by Penguin. Penguin Education. So you're right. So what they've done is... It's a school book, isn't it? Penguin's gone to schools. They will do these books for you which give you

a sample of one of our range. Here's one of our kids' books. We'll give you a chapter or two of this. If you like it, they can read the whole book but you can use it as coursework. So it's a truncated version of the story, yeah. It's quite nice, don't you think? It's a lovely little thing. I will say that for you. You've been on point today.

That's it for me, Paul. But yeah, I think I've done quite well. Thanks for taking me out to Brighton on this office thing. You know, it's been nice. I got a fish lolly. You got a fish lolly. So we need to take photos of all of this as well. I'm going to take photographs of it now, actually, on the train, before you eat the rest of it.

Let me say, you know, brought back some memories coming to Brighton, you know. When you were here, like a week ago in Brighton? Yeah. So it brought back some memories coming to Brighton you know when you were like a week ago in Brighton yeah so it brought back memories of that well no

because that was only a week ago well ladies and gentlemen it's time to relax calm down

and try to cheer up Paul compute the information that's happened to me today Calm down. And try to... Cheer up, Paul. Compute the information that's happened to me today, which has involved pee, farts, poos, walking into Eggie Woofers, fishing money out of a toilet, walking out empty-handed, being rinsed by your co-host,

nearly pissing my pants on two very distinct occasions. Spending an inordinate amount of money in pubs just so I can go for a piss. Which therefore compounds the problem by making me piss more. And now we're on a train. But the crisps were good.

You know what? If nothing else, the crisps had it. What would you give those out of ten? Nine. A great snack. They're a very strong crisp. They're not a Liga snack contender. No, it's not.

They are way too new. They're pushing boundaries you didn't even know existed. They're innovating on the very edge of crisps and snacks. Went on the P and it was all very noisy and Eli measured himself against things. Mate, I could have

got on to any of those rides. So, you know, they call me short, whatever. You call me a short arse, whatever. I can go on all the rides, mate. All the rides. And one of those rides had a top height restriction. Yeah, well, you know what? It wasn't above that, was it? You know what? What? Today you took me for a ride.

Why? You exploited me today. I didn't. You did. You rinsed me out. You took me today I didn't You did You rinsed me out You took me I told you I'd pay you for this Sugar daddy That's all I am to you

Stop looming I'm looming Sit down People can see you We're all on CCTV here Well then we can ask for the footage And put it out as a podcast video I don't know how to end this episode

Say I've had a lovely time with you Eli I haven't had a lovely time with you Eli I've had quite a nice time Despite you Eli I haven't had a lovely time with you Eli I've had quite a nice time Despite you pissing and moaning Literally It was funny when you almost pissed yourself I mean I was literally

Grabbing for air Air fists East Croydon So we're getting close Tony Croydon so we're getting close Tony Croydon that's a good name your favourite name from something isn't it

Tony Croydon yeah I just remembered he's not called John Croydon he's called Tony Croydon well there you go amend for last episode

ladies and gentlemen this has been our cheap show summertime special day out trip to Brighton on a budget which has cost me loads of money

personally and and I hope you've enjoyed listening to it as much as we've enjoyed being out there in Brighton do you have any final thoughts? I also got a BBC Records

7 inch that I've never seen before perhaps you could shed some light on this, Paul. PAUL LEWISOHNSON Yeah, but you've never seen 7-inch before in your life. PAUL LEWISOHNSON Shoe String by George Fenton from the BBC TV series. PAUL LEWISOHNSON Shoe String sounds like one of those weird kind of detective shows that are set in Cornwall.

PAUL LEWISOHNSON 79. It's on the BBC Records and Tapes label. PAUL LEWISOHNSON Looks beside B. tapes label what's the side B Tumpy by George Fenton not from TV I'm going to call that your new nickname

Tumpy hello Tumpy my name's Tumpy Thwoppage right that's it well we've had a lovely day out

we really have ladies and gentlemen that's a good character I'm putting that in my pocket you put that in your back pocket we've had a lovely day out we really have we and gentlemen that's a good character I'm putting that in my pocket you put that in your back pocket we've had a lovely day

we really have we've had so many adventures today so much fun and it's all been made possible because of you so if you support us

just by listening thank you if you support us by doing patreon.com forward slash cheap show that's great too we're on twitter

at the cheap show pod I'm at Paul Gannon show Eli is Eli I said no idea. Eli Snowed. And email us anything you want, thecheapshowatgmail.com. Shut up, love. ...Auburn City, Harpington, Luton Airport Parkway, Luton, Leagrave, Harlington, Flitwick, and Bedford.

Did she go slower on purpose towards the end? Anyway, Email us that Thecheapshow.gmail.com We're on Reddit, we're on Tumblr, we're on Instagram We're on Facebook Just look for Cheap Show Podcast It's that simple And all pictures and videos or whatever will accompany this episode

On our website thecheapshow.co.uk Find the dedicated page for this episode there And that's it That's it Do no that's it you want to say bone school or something cool I do I do want to say it Paul but I'm gonna hold back

it's called gratification release I want to say time for your throppage I'll release my gratification all over you just say goodbye why couldn't you ever just wind it up goodbye

goodbye goodbye wind it up goodbye goodbye goodbye don't stop this isn't the end of a phone conversation when you're no you hang up you fucking hang up you fucking hang up bastard © BF-WATCH TV 2021