CheapShow - Ep 136: Good Game!

Episode Date: July 19, 2019

Higher, higher? Lower, Lower? In this week's edition of CheapShow, Paul challenges Eli to an epic edition of "The Price of Shite" that will spin wildly out of control at various points and then limp to a finale. The usual. It's a special "Rank Me Off" edition that will involve the cheap chaps getting off on clicking sounds, exposing their dark truths, showing off their dark magic skills, pretending to chat each other up and having the job interview from hell. There may be a little bit of "wind warfare" too. To put it politely. This show is never going to win an award, is it? Oh, we also do cheap eats and get to celebrate a certain song and dance man... Bruce Forsythe. It should be a "good game!"?  And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-136-good-game If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Hello, Cheap Show listener. Want to get your hands on some Cheap Show merch? Well, now you can. Why not support Yven by going to www.cheapmag.shop and picking up your physical copy of the Cheap Show unofficial magazine. It's packed full of interviews, competitions, games, articles, and features written by some cheapskates themselves. Also, want to get your hands on a t-shirt?

well, theredbubble.com now has a page by Tony one of our artists on Cheap Show and if you go to tinyurl.com forward slash rbcheapshow that's rbcheapshow you can now get your hands on limited edition designs made by Tony

for Cheap Show's cheapskates like yourself. So why don't pop along and support these wonderful people while you can. Pip pip, bye bye. Ladies and gentlemen, the London Palladium presents an evening with Cheap Show. Why are you jangling your jingles? Don't do it. I'm flush, mate. Listen. You're not allowed to do that.

Stop breathing directly into the mic. You know how unpleasant it is to have your breath? Especially when I'm editing. Right in my ear. Do you take it out? No, it's hard. Because it's hard to take your voice out without me silencing all your tracks. So, you know, I'm talking into the mic.

I'm moving away. I'm doing my horrible breathing. I'm talking into the mic. I'm doing my horrible breathing and snorting. Don't tell me how to do mic technique. You don't know how to do mic technique, and you never have done. So what's the point anymore? I am mic technique.

Is this a new character? Yes. Hello. I'm Mike. Mike technique. Great. Now, welcome to the cheap show, it's the economy Oh right, that's it is it

That's it is it I think we all knew Mike Technique was going nowhere Well you didn't give him a chance Do you know what they used to call him Who Mike Technique Michael Technique No, Mike Angry Technique

Why Because he gets angry Why Fucking people don't let him be a character No, Mike Angry Technique. Why? Because he gets angry! Why? Fucking people don't let him be a character! I'm Mike Technique and I deserve love! His character is that he's angry. But he's angry because people don't let him be his character.

So therefore, he's just a man shouting into the void. I'm Mike Technique! Well, good to see you, Tony. Well, good to see you, Tony. There, there, there, there, there. That is a cheap show. All right. I'm on a! Welcome to the team show! Welcome to the team show! Welcome to the team show! Alright, I'm on a mission. To what? I don't know.

Why are you standing? We're running on empty this week. He's done it again. He's gone into his song. I'm standing up for two reasons. One, that store that I sit on every time we record in the House of Pickles is just uncomfortable. Secondly, if I stand up and I look at you, I insert dominance and power. That's weird.

And it puts you in a weird kind of back foot kind of position. Listen, I'm all... On the back foot. I live on the back foot. On the back foot. Is that someone... You're quoting a more famous comedian. This is my catchphrase. On the back foot.

I like it on the back foot. Do you? I live on the back foot. Yeah? Yeah. Right back foot. Do you? I live on the back foot. Yeah? Yeah. Right, welcome to Cheap Shows, the economy comedy podcast. Aye, aye, aye, aye! No, we are...

What do you mean we're not? What? If we're going to do source support... If? If? If, Paul? If? You just spat on me from across the room.

Fuck. That got me right in the forehead. If. If. Listen, listen, listen, listen. When. The word is when. Right, when we do the sauce report.

Right now. Did you do it? No, no. We do it after the main bulk of the cold open. I have to go get the sauce anyway. Well, there you go then. Right. Do you want to do the intro then? Ladies and open. Well, fucking do it. I have to go get the sauce anyway. Oh, well, there you go then. Right. Do you want to do the intro then? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show. show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the dick going? The price of the site? This is for a gun and tank.

Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Geek Show. And I go and I nuzzle. What about the bazaar and stuff? I'm dropping all that. Oh my God! The convoluted. I'll do it. What about the bazaar and stuff? I'm dropping all that. Oh my God!

The convoluted. I'll do it. Ladies and gentlemen, why are you shouting calm down? We're three minutes in. Oh, three minutes in. What is your fucking problem today? Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Cheap Show. I'm Eli Silver and that's Paul Gannon. Do you know what we do on this economy comedy podcast?

We go. Does it take four minutes to get going? Is that what it does? You know what we do, Paul? What we do and where we go? We trawl through the charity shops, discount stores, village fates, bargain basements and thrift stores and flea markets. And jumble sales.

And jumble... I said jumble sales. Bazaars. I said both of those. Didn't say bargain bins. I fucking did just now. I'm going to edit it out. I'm going to edit it out

so no one knows. You're like a fucking demiurge. Ah. Anyway. That's fucking stumped you, hasn't it? Right, do your source report. I will not be spoken to

What is your fucking problem You're being a naughty little boy today Naughty boy I've got to go get my source We've played the music now Don't fucking say anything about me I'm going to say lots of things about you Why do you always do this

What Wait for you to un-prepare your show? Eli Silverman's a naughty boy today, ladies and gentlemen. I think you can already tell. If he steps out of line one more time, I am. I'm going to put him over my knee, and I'm going to give him three spanks on the bottom. Did you close the door?

He's coming. Back in there. All right. Ready? Yes. I want some respect no no come on no you ain't earned it give me some respect give the source some respect man this this just this just in Paul on the source report running commentary I've been to France and I've got this. Tell them. Tell them. Listen.

I'm just trying to get the energy up. Source Report. There's a difference between getting the energy up and just shouting like an angry man. Well, I've never seen any. What? Difference between those two things. No, you haven't. Because I'm shit. You've got carpal tunnel of the fucking brain.

That's what you've got. Right. What is that? It is Louisiana Gold with Tabasco Peppers pepper sauce. Ah, so interesting. It's not Tabasco. Spice up your pizza, burger, pasta, soup, salad, and sandwich. Made from a carefully selected blend of Tabasco Peppers and Red Peppers,

Louisiana Gold combines refined flavour with balanced heat. sandwich made from a carefully selected blend of tabasco peppers and red peppers louisiana gold combines refined flavor with balanced heat now it plays into what i used to say which is tabasco is a brand but it is also a type of pepper it was like uh one euro right okay i'm just keeping check that you're not bouncing around the boundaries of cheap show just so you can cover yourself i got this in the land of the source paul the land where sauce was born in a lot of ways where was where's the land of sauce france is it yeah is it where do you think mayonnaise came from bechamel hollandaise mustard dijon all sauces mate these are all sauces And where was the source of that sauce?

It was the sauce motherlode country, France In fact, little people Not a lot of people know Not a lot of people know They were going to call it Le Saucier country No, this I picked up with Tabasco peppers Yeah

So I find it interesting Because Tabasco is an actual strain of pepper. It's a strain of pepper, but... God. But also a brand. And this is obviously working off the fact that Tabasco is such a famous brand by using the peppers and putting it on the packaging. It's kind of knock-off Tabasco, isn't it?

Yeah. And we'll be tasting that. Will we? When we do another chilli sauce tasting episode. Oh. Louisiana gold. Yeah. Is this done?

Have you tested it? Do you want to test it now? Come on. Get your mouth out. Paul. Oh, Paul. Fucking hell, mate. Do not guff at me

do not bend over like a fucking argh here's your source report mate that's got fucking it's got dead fucking laundry that's been left out that's what it smells like yeah we're never winning an award fuck it

who gives a shit Mate Don't fart at the beginning of the show I always hold it in mate I was waiting for the source report mate I was giving you my spicy recipe Right It smelled

That sauce Paul That air sauce That air sauce smelled of fucking Dirty laundry Right good So let's taste this Louisiana Gold I'm looking forward to tasting it Just put your finger out

Listen to this Don't do that That's what I do And then you fucking Don't let me do it That's the end of this segment Ladies and gentlemen Listen

No it's not the end It's not the end of the source report The sound effect has gone off It's not the end of the source report Until we sound effect has gone off. It's not the end of the source report until we taste the sauce. I tell you what, if you could tell me

how much is in my pocket, you can have it. Give it a little shake. All right. He's game, isn't he, when he's got money on the table. And we're giving you

a quick glance. I'd say about 120. Oh, 285. Oh, fuck. What a great new game for cheap show now look i'd like you to huff this oh half the louisiana gold it's got a good smell actually oh it does almost kind of a sweet smell what yeah it was that smells like tabasco yeah doesn't it they've got a certain flavor the tabasco peppers now this reminds me because i'm putting out some of this sauce onto the crook of my thumb. He is indeed.

Have you ever done, instead of salt and lemon with Tabasco, a drop of hot sauce and a piece of lime? No. Although I have heard people have done that. That's good. It's very good. All right, cool. Let's taste it. Oh, it's quite nice.

Very vinegary. Yeah, very vinegary. It's basically a... It's almost, you vinegary just like it's basically a it's almost you know it reminds me of like a hot hp sauce fruity it's got a fruitiness to it doesn't have sort of uh tomatoiness to it not a bad hot sauce no it's for one euro yeah very similar to tabasco great i'll be using right now you have a Tales from the Dance Floor. Get it on. Oh, hello. Welcome back to Tales from the Dance Floor. That's a source of put over with now. Tales from the Dance Floor.

Come on, come on, come on. You have a night, Paul. Yeah. I was DJing. I'm just going to say, does this have form? Does this story have a- It diverts from the trope. Is this like Jason X? This is a different realm. Right. It doesn't go the trope. Is this like Jason X?

This is a different realm. Right. It doesn't go into outer space. I'm just saying. Two separate mini episodes of Eli Silverman's Tales from the Dance Floor. Here we go. Right. Girl comes up to me.

I'm DJing. And she says, my mate hates this. So I'm like, fuck. Hates what? The song. She goes, my mate hates this song. Right. I'm like, what?

What do you want? And then she's like, oh. What do you want? What did she want? What did she want? I don't know. And then she sort of comes around and goes, oh, you're playing vinyl. Can I just stand here and see how it's done?

And I'm like, well, you know, the needle goes on there. And she's like, I know, I know, I know, but I just want to watch. What's going on? And then I'm like, okay, fine. Is she going to shank you? I'm like, fine. You can watch me. That's fine. You know, I'm trying to be friendly. I mean, I've been put

off by the fact you said your mate hates this gym. It's not the best starting point. It wasn't a good opener for you, darling. It's not what you tell your daughters and grandkids. But I'm thinking, hang on, she's interested. She's interested in being in your box and looking at your job. And that's what you do if you are that kind of predatory, horrible guy who

tries to shag through being a DJ. You get him in the box. It's rule one. Hang on. Hang on. Also, Paul. Get out of the box. That sounds horrible. It fucking is horrible. I don't ever do it.

But anyway, she wanted to hang up. What's step two then? I also wanted to say you censored when I said about having sex with a bee on the Brighton episode. No, what happened is when you grabbed the microphone off me to start your fucking singing, you pressed stop with your fat, clumpy tramp hands. Oh, that was a good bit. I know. Oh, I'm going to save it then.

Ladies and gentlemen, look out for me having some quite edgy material about having sex with bumblebees. It's not happening. It's not happening. No, I'm just going to pull it out. Oh, no, mate.

Both metaphorically and figuratively. You'll get stung. No, you lift the sting. That's where the good sweet spot is. You lift the sting up and just underneath it. Yeah, of course. But you get them to a false sense of security by feeding them.

If they're weak, you find them on the stairs. Mate! You give them some sugar syrup. I apologise for Eli Silverman's remarks. They're slurping with their big long tongue. They're slurping the sugar syrup. I apologise. Lift the sting.

Dang to Lee. Anyway. long tongue there's a sugar syrup I apologise lift the sting daintily anyway for another time Paul for another time alright yes so she's sort of like going I'm like okay

fine you can fine you know but then she's like because if I'm sort of like already giving her a bit of a sort of scowly look because of the whole

sort of like because of the situation she's like oh you don't want me here do you you don't want me here you want me to go don't you

she just kept saying it it's like just go like do don't want me here, do you? You don't want me here. You want me to go, don't you? She just kept saying it. It's like, just go. Like, do you know what I mean? I'm like, no, it's fine. It's fine. I want you to go if you've got to keep saying that. So that's the first one, Paul. Great.

It's not a great story, but it's fine. She left, right? Yeah. Did she come back? Never saw her again. Later on in the evening, this girl was... This got my ire up. She was dancing, whatever, and she was at the front of the evening, this girl was... This got my ire up. She was dancing whatever and she was at the front of the stage

and she went, lift it up! Lift it up! As in... The mood. Yeah, play something better, which is always terrible. Then I went to the bar, put a long tune on, went to the bar and she goes, I'll buy one for the DJ. Oh, okay. I'll have a beer.

Thank you very much. I was like, thank you very much was like thank you very much and then she came behind the deck see there's a bit more social stuff going on here she came behind the deck and she's like oh yeah i bet you what would you really want to play if you could really play what you wanted to play i'm like i'm quite into this stuff that i'm playing here because i'm a dj otherwise i wouldn't be here playing it. Do you know what I mean? And I wouldn't have all these records. And she's like, no, you love metal, don't you? Slayer. Oh. Well, you know, no. Not really. Not really.

Yeah. Yes, you do. I know you look like every rock fan from a distance. Yes, you do. And she's like, yes, you do. I'm like, no, no, I don't. And then she's like, Sasha, dance music, Sasha. And I'm like, yeah, these are the names of very popular dance music DJs.

I won't play and will not be playing. Anyway, she's bought me a beer so I feel like I should sort of humour her a bit. And I'm like, what are you doing here? She's like, I'm with these two Dutch blokes

and they want you to play house music. I'm Airbnb hostessing them. So she's gone out. She's taken her Airbnb guests out to the Blues Kitchen. And they've been like, yes, let's take us

to the greatest hot spot and do some funky moves and let's go to Blues Kitchen and then ask for hipp like, yes, let's take us to the greatest hot spot and do some funky moves and let's go to Blues Kitchen and then ask for Hippie Hardhouse. They didn't like it. Why don't you play the Hippie Hardhouse? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

Don't start that. Do not start that. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Don't start that Do not start that Anyway Right So yeah And so she was very strange And she obviously went home With a fleeing ear ear No I didn't say anything to her

She was fine you know She was very friendly Sort of a bit touchy feely So you had two women in your box Nothing happened Yeah that's it I thought there might be more humour. What have we got coming up on the show then?

Today we've got a little bit different price of shite and a cheap eat. So we're going to keep it simple today. Ooh, lovely symbol. Don't do that. That really does actually make me angry, you doing that. What, this? Yes. Two can play that game. No, they can't because you never have enough cash on you to do it.

I fucking do. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Fucking what's this then? It's a tray of pennies. Here comes the money, Trey. Right, good. What have we got then? I've just told you.

Are we doing cheap eats? Yeah, you're next. Hey! Oh, before we get started, remember in the Brighton episode and we saw that thing for phones that did the weird music box? Excuse me?

Sorry? Do you remember we went to... A thing for phones that did the music box? We went to Smuggler's Box. You cannot remember the name of that. I can never remember it. Well, come on. Think about it for a second.

Peddler's Knob. Snooper's Paradise. Snooper's Paradise, right? We went there. A tat shop. And we were walking around. Remember you said, oh, there's a weird thing for phones. And you press it down.

It had this weird kind of music box. And we didn't understand why you'd want to put your phone in it. Okay. And it was orange. And put your phone in it. Okay. And it was orange and it was an interesting colour. Okay. Right. You don't remember this at all.

Oh yeah. You do. Yes and it was for old school phones. I keep thinking when you say phone I keep thinking of a mobile. Yeah but that's what we thought

when we first saw it. But it sort of played a tune when you placed the receiver on it. Yeah. So imagine you go oh Bob's in the garden I'll go get him. You put it on that. And it plays hold music for the person who's for call. Yeah. We should have got it. Yeah, so imagine you go, oh, Bob's in the garden. I'll go get him. You put it on that.

And it plays hold music for the person who's for call. Yeah. We should have got it. How much was it? It was a lot of money. It was like 20 quid or something. Yeah, but a nice item.

Nice item, but you're never going to use it, are you? Never. Unless you're like in a public, you know, in a social occasion or like you're at desk at work and someone goes,

oh, Paul, you're busy. And you just go there and you just hold it down and you play it for ages. Yeah. And then you go, lift. Very interesting. Yeah, so I've put you on hold it down and you play it for ages and then you go lift very interesting so it's a cheap way

of having a sort of hold system hold system yeah although obviously if you're having a row with your husband in the garden you're still going to hear

that music but it'll be like just fucking get to the phone I told you my dick was big wow out of all the ways just cut that no cut that no I want that all the ways. Just cut that.

No. Cut that. I want that on the record. No, please cut that. We could have had an interesting improv where you played the downtrodden husband in the garden. I'll do it. I'll do that.

Oh, Vera. I like the way. Oh, Vera. Vera, stop. I don't want to talk to him. Who's on the phone? Is he my boss? See, I'm building character here.

Yes, it is your boss. He wants to know why you didn't come in again today for work. It's my huge dick. Okay, great. It's now time for Cheap Eat. Wait, I think it's coming into the station. Cheap Eat!

He's pulling in. Right. Come on onto the cheap eats platform there, Paul. Come down. We've got some interesting items of cheap eats. Now, my sister Jenny. Oh, yes. Who I saw in France.

Yeah. She is, by the way. She fucking loves me, doesn't she? She fancies me. Well, yes. Who I saw in France. Yeah. She is, by the way... She fucking loves me, doesn't she? She fancies me. Well, you didn't... I heard the rumours. You didn't turn up. So, Paul, you didn't get that chance to meet her. So, Paul, she, by the way, is a big

supporter of what we've come to know and now as Team Yet. Do you know what Team Yet is? Yes, it's your bullshit entourage for Teen Yeti fans. Yes, that's right. Teen Yet! Oh, I'm Teen Yeti.

No, you are not Teen Yet! I'm just being Teen Yeti during a busy period. She's brought some great stuff. He can't be everywhere at once, can he, Teen Yeti? So I fill in. Oh, I'm Teen Yeti, and I am best. You're not. I'm wearing my Yeti shorts and vest.

You are. Oh, I'm Team Yeti, and that's the truth. You are not. I've got long hair and sharp white tooth. No. I'm going to have to make an appearance as Team Yeti now. Team Yeti. I fucking am.

You don't. I'm right. I'm coming. I'm coming out of there. I'm coming I'm coming out of there Someone's I've got my Yeti sense

Feels like My fucking Intellectual property Has been By you It's you Adolescent snowman How many times

Do I have to tell you Do not impersonate The tea man The tea yet I'm helping you out When you're busy I'll show you some lyrics I've been working on Just how desperate, I'm helping you out when you're busy. I'll show you some lyrics I've been working on.

That's how desperate for. I'm Tim Yeti. Oh, God. I live under a jetty. Right, good. You, when you

hear my long rhymes, your vagina gets sweaty. Right, okay, good. We can move on. Oh, my first little pooey. I'm Tim Yeti.

Please, please do T beats. Oh, what's that? I've got a pipe. What do I smoke in it? Snow. I smoke snow in my pipe. I'm Tim Yeti. Please do Cheap Eats. Oh, what's that? I've got a pipe. What do I smoke in it? Snow. I smoke snow in my pipe. I'm Team Yeti.

Please just do Cheap Eats. The pussy getting wet. Team Yeti. Yeah, we got it. Team Yeti. Just please. Okay, so you, if you want to be back in the entourage, you better fucking, you have a side project and you always say who you are.

All right? Adolescent Sasquatch. Yes, that's right? Oh, Adolescent Sasquatch. Yes, that's right. You're Adolescent Sasquatch. You better fucking understand that. Oh, I've just been given a contract. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. For a movie. New Batman. Oh, yeah? I'll be singing all the songs. Well, I don't care. All right.

I'll go back to Mount Groppage now. Bye, me too. I'm going to go back to Mount Groppage now. Bye, me too. I'm going to go back to... Mount Grotpatch 2. Right, so Jenny bought me some cheap eats on her travels in Europe. Okay. Well, let's do these ones first.

Yeah. Because the other one is quite exciting. So, you see, Paul, I'm going to hand those to you. Frit Ravich Cocktailio Chili Picmanti. And what are they, do you think? I mean, it looks like a Bombay mix. Yeah. I think it's sort of like a Spanish Bombay mix version.

Oh. But do you remember Boi Blang? The Thai stuff? Yes. I think it's like that. I think every sort of part of the world has a sort of snack mix, savoury, spicy snack mix sort of concoction. What's the half like?

It's not bad. It's not great, but it's enticing. Okay. And what have we got in here? You've got little, I mean, they're corns? No, those are little tubes, little macaronis. Wheat. Yeah, wheat macaronis of... Wheat. Yeah, wheat macaronis.

Little hula hoops, almost. Yeah. And then you've got there a little... Noodle. A little noodle. A peanut. It's very much like a Bombay mix, isn't it? What else have we got in here?

Stop just fucking naming the food in the bag. Everyone knows what it is. No, there's a corn nut. Yeah. Yeah, but you don't usually get that in Bombay Mix, do you? Sometimes. Really? Well, no, because I know there's different types and I know there's been corn. But Bombay

Mix, classic Bombay Mix will not have a corn nut. No. We need to figure out what a classic Bombay Mix recipe is because I know there are variations on the theme. Well, I'll tell you what, it isn't anything containing fucking raisins. Yeah, we know. I agree with containing fucking raisins or desiccated coconut what do you think of that?

not as spicy as Bombay Mix is it? no it's a soft flavour it's salty you're underwhelmed yeah a little bit, it's not unpleasant it's just fine I can imagine having a cold lager bowl of that on the side

not washing my hands when i go to the loo and then uh putting little traces of my urine on it for everyone else to eat and then i get off on that right it's got a bit of a kind of um doritos flavor yes in fact it tastes like doritos that's the corn the corn nuts are corn no that's a good point actually that corn chip is a very powerful flavor and i it's what is? What kind of flavour is it? It's just... It's sort of... The chilli...

It says it's chilli, but I'm not getting a lot of chilli at all. It's a very mild, warm... Very mild chilli. Almost meaty kind of flavour. It's got a very savoury flavour. I think that's very nice. It's all right.

Out of five, I'd give it three and a half. And that is the Frit Ravage brand. They're the makers. And then Coctelio, where the O is one of the little things in there, chili or picante. Nice. So they obviously do other versions. I mean, I wonder what the other versions are like, because that didn't seem very picante to me.

Lime, maybe lemon and lime. That would be good. That would be a good one. It's one of those flavors that at first glance you go, oh,, but then, with the right texture, absolutely dreamboat. I think that's nice. Like those nuts we had. Which nuts? Remember the ones

that you had that were like lemon and lime or something? Were they good? Yeah. Why don't you remember anything on this show? Right, you ready?

The second item on Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Woo-hoo! Huge.

What's this? Look at these. I'm handing them over to him, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Oh. Eagle make these, and they're called Takis? Takis.

Or Takis. Angry Burger. They are Angry Burger flavour Takis. Why are they Angry Burger flavour? Because they're Angry Burger flavour. Pon a puapa tu intensidad con el termonetro. I think angry as in they're hot. Oh.

And these are green. Now, these are very similar. There's a burger on it. Yeah, but look at the colour of their green little... Twirls. They're rolled up. No, they're rolled up corn chips, aren't they? Oh, they are.

Just like those ones. What were those ones that we had? The Dorito Dynamitos or something. Yeah. That you brought back from LA. Oh, you know what I like? Look at this. What's that?

The barcode on this packet of Tacky's Angry Burger flavour is in the shape of a chilli pepper. Isn't that a delightful touch? Well, all of these products can be seen on our website, as always, Paul. Thecheapshow.co.uk, right? I knew that. I know what it's called.

You don't, though, because every time I've let you try to do the app, I'm the show. I've had the purple ones. These are good. These Tacky's. Ooh. What's the half on it? I knew that. I know what it's called. Every time I've let you try to do the admin. I've had the purple ones. These are good. These tackies. Ooh. What's the half on it? It actually smells like a bag of chips.

You know, chippy chips. Like potato chips. Seriously, sniff it. Yes. It's not a complaint because it's a nice smell. But I didn't expect that. Visually, they are very green. They're like a green rolled up corn chip.

Oh, that's gherkiny. It is gherkiny. It's like a gherkiny. It's like a burger flavour with gherkin and cheese flavour. Doesn't it taste like a McDonald's burger? Yeah. It's got that McDonald's burger gherkin flavour. That's the overriding flavour.

There's also a sort of Big Mac sauce sort of flavour on it. No, that's a normal burger sauce, a normal burger. Yeah, burger sauce, but I mean, that Big Mac sauce is sort of a version of a burger sauce. Oh, that's nice. That's an interesting flavour, how they've actually made it taste like a burger. Yeah. It's weird,

isn't it? I'm going to give that four out of five. You like it better, that one? Yeah, much better than that one. The other one was fine, but I didn't care for the flavour. This. Oh, that's interesting.

And those again were one euro. One euro! Not too bad. Good. Mmm. Interesting, I've never come across

a flavour, like a burger flavour like that. I mean, I've had snacks that are meant to be burger flavour, but they've never tasted

like that, as good as that. No. They've really gone to town with a flavour mix on that, mate. Well played, Takis. That's very good. I have tried in America the other ones, which are just sort of hot.

Hot lime. You see, they do lime on those. I bet that's quite nice as well. Those are nicer than the Doritos ones we had, aren't they? What, these ones here? Yeah. Yeah. Considerably. Same product, like a rolled up corn chip. I'd rather have a bag of those than another bag of Doritos Cool Ranch or whatever it is. No, they were like dynamite, but they were too hot.

And there was an artificial lime sort of flavour, a bit soapy. And let's go to our final item now. Paul, say what you see. It's a noodle tie-in on this, in case people are wondering what happened to the noodle content. It's noodle tie-in? Yeah, it's a noodle tie-in product. This is Star Popeye. Star Popeye.

I'm going to need more. I'm the listener. I'm the listener's going to need more. Now, the manufacturer is Samyang, and if you're not aware, Samyang did noodles. They do the spicy chicken ramen flavour. It was a two-time spicy.

The dragons made a seat. You accept that ramen, spicy chicken ramen flavour. It was a two-time spicy. That the dragons made us eat. And you accept that now, do you? Totally? Yes. Good. It's not canon, but it exists. What do you mean it's not canon? It's a cheap show.

It exists in what I like to call the cheap show multiverse. Right? The extended universe. Do the episode with me and Biffo. Yeah. That exists in another universe. And that episode. And the Christmas episode.

My sister was like, she liked the episode with Biffo. She was like, it was really good. Yeah? Well, let's vote. If you want Eli to leave the show and be replaced by Mr. Biffo. By all means. By all means what? By all means, get in touch.

I don't know. Just email me. You've lost the will to live. Yep. Right. This is a Noodle to live. Yep. Right. This is a noodle tying product. Sam Yang, who make those... Now, did they make those crispy tried on the train?

No. No, that was Indomie. Okay, thank you. Another big noodle brand. But Indomie are much more of Indonesia. Okay, all right. And they do Nasi Goreng, which is a stir-fried style noodle from that part of the world. All right, so this is the same concept of a noodle company injecting a flavour into a snack brand.

Well, sort of, because those in Domi were actual potato chips, potato crisps. Right. These are actual noodles, as you can see from this. Are they fried? Yeah. Bombay mix? Yeah. Okay.

They're fried noodles, but they're in the shape that a noodle would have in an instant noodle. Yeah. And they've got little hard-boiled sweet bonbons in. That's strange. Also, why Popeye? And it's Popeye branded. The Popeye. Ga, ga, ga, ga, ga, ga.

He bought the guy. Popeye's cool, isn't he? I like Popeye. No, I like Popeye. What do you think of Popeye? Have you seen the movie? With Robin Williams? Yeah.

I saw it once a long time ago. It's very strange. They're tonally very weird. It's Robert Alt saw it once a long time ago it's very strange tonally very weird it's Robert Altman I know yeah it's Robert Altman and you know he has that thing

where loads of people talk on top of each other naturalism isn't it yeah and it's that but it's Popeye and it's a musical and it's a musical and it's got Robin Williams

in his first screen role what was it his first screen like his first movie yeah I think so first leading role for sure and it flopped screen? Yeah. Like, his first movie. Yeah, I think so. First leading role, for sure. And it flopped hard. I remember going and seeing it in the cinema.

I think I saw it on TV. I remember not... I saw it when it came out. Did you... Because I remember watching it and thinking... It's not like the cartoon. It's weird. Very weird.

Because I don't think he even has any spinach until the very end of the film, does he? No, but then he does, to have the spinach at the end of the... To have the big fight. Yeah, he kills a shark. He beats a shark up and stuff. It's in the water. I'm going to have to watch... I'm going to think I'm going to have the spinach to have the big fight yeah he kills a shark he beats a shark up and stuff I'm going to have to watch

I think I'm going to have to watch that again it's definitely worth another look it's like when I watched Monkey's Head for the first time sorry

you know the film the monkeys made called Head oh yes I watched it for the first time last year never seen it before brilliant sequences

yeah it's not a film so much as a bunch of stuff that happens and has the monkeys trying their best not to be the monkeys, but still retain... That's what the whole story is about as well, sort of. And it's got some really interesting songs, like obviously...

Some of their best songs. Yeah, but they're not the catchy stuff that everyone remembers. No, but the stuff that they wrote. They didn't write any of their first album, a couple of albums. No, no. People like Neil Sedaka and Neil Diamond. Yeah. They went for Neils. Yeah.

Now, the huff on this is very poor. It's a very strange tasting... What's it meant to... What's the flavour meant to be? It's sweet. It's a vanillary. It smells of nothing. It smells of just, like, dry noodles. Yeah, yeah. I'll get some out for you. There's one. Alright, I'll get it. Grab that

one. I'm going to have this. The whole effect. Put the white ball. There's little white balls, ladies and gentlemen, in amongst these noodles. It's strange. Concoction. Very strange. So eat some of the noodles and then put the white ball in your mouth.

And then they have the sweet. What do you think of that, Paul? I don't know. Just nasty and weird. No. No. What? It's just nasty and weird. No! No! I've got cinnamon. A sort of slight cinnamon flavour.

Oh, Paul! Do not stop farting! And if you fucking try and blame it on me in the edit, I will fucking... I want those amplified. I want those grunts amplified. Oh, fuck me. I've got food in my mouth. I want those grunts amplified. Oh, fuck me. I've got food in my mouth.

I know. Giving you a bit more cinnamon texture. So you can taste the cinnamon there. Yeah. And what's the bonbon like? Strange, isn't it? It's a little sugary sweet. Amongst some dry sort of cinnamony noodles.

Wheaty noodles. They're not great. You may as well just open a normal bag of Samyang. Eat the noodles raw. I know. It's just not very good, is it? Strange. Let me see if I can pick them up. So, to recap, this week's episode

of Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip Eats! Chip Eats! We had the Frit Ravage Cocteleo Chili 3.5 out of 5. Savory mix. Doesn't have the bite of a proper... Not as Moorish as a result.

It's not Bombay mix. That's the closest thing. What's your score for it? I'd go... I thought it was nice. Out of 5? I'd go for a 3.5 as well. That's what I went to.

Okay, cool. So then we had the... The Angry Burger Flavoured Tackies. Now, I said 4. I might push it to 4.5 as well. That's what I went to. Okay, cool. So then we had the... The Angry Burger flavoured tackies. Now, I said four. I might push it to 4.5. Yeah, I'm definitely... I like those a lot.

It's a very impressive flavour profile. I think the fact that it doesn't go to five is just because it's not my favourite kind of flavourous snack. I just have never had

an authentic burger flavoured snack before in my life. No. Well, we've learnt today. Because you get those sort of Bobby's beef balls or whatever they are. Because you get those sort of Bobby's Beef Balls or whatever they are.

But they're sort of that sort of roast beef flavour, which is different. And they end up tasting sweet like a bacon snack. Yeah. And then the Popeye. What would you give it out of five, then, for that? For the Popeye? For the Tackies, I'm going for four.

All right. Yeah. And finally, the Popeye noodles. I'll go for two. They're strange. One. Strange and un-Moorish, aren't they? Very un-Moorish. Because it's quite a lot of hard work to Popeye noodles. I'll go for two. They're strange. One. Strange and un-Moorish, aren't they? Very un-Moorish.

Because it's quite a lot of work to eat those noodles. And it's weird sort of toy food. It's just a bizarre concept. Noodle. Why is Popeye associated with like tiny little... Why not make it spinach flavour? And they're boiled sweets. The bonbons aren't soft.

They're like hard sugar crystals. Like the cheap sweets you get in like a mystery egg. That kind of stuff. Bizarre. But worth tasting. Very worth tasting. On Cheap Show, that kind of stuff. Bizarre, but worth tasting. Very worth tasting. On Cheap Show, that's what we're all about on this show, Paul. Eating strange and cheap food on the Cheap Eats section of Cheap Show,

which is what this is. I believe I must leave now because the train is about to depart to go searching for more. Do come again. Bring some of your own Cheap Eats next time. Bye. Bye. Oh, he's pulling away.

Chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa,

chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa,

chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa,

chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, chippa, ch streak of dog egg. Oh, he's ruined it. Is that it? You want to end this section? Yeah. With you saying,

Paul, you've left the long yellow streak of dog egg. I think it works. It's the fucking past shot. It's the fucking past shot. Shut up. It's the fucking part of the show. It's the fucking part of the show. Shut up. It's the fucking part of the show. Oh, it's the fucking part of the show.

That's right. No, I didn't get to say anything. You just ran away with your stupid voice. I'll do it again. I'll do it again. I would rather. No, I'm back. I would rather.

I'm just going to turn it off. Don't turn it off. You ready? I'll let you do the it's right bit, yeah? All right. I hate that. It's so off-putting to hear. And I have to have my earphones in.

That means I get to hear it louder in my head. Well, just don't stop interrupting it, and you won't have to endure it for very long. He's going to commit to it. I'm doing the beginning of the fucking tune, mate. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite.

Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. And that's right. Thank you. Welcome to It's the Price of Shite. And that's right. It's the Price of Shite. I'm broke. Eli's broke again. I'm not broke. We need a new Eli. I am not broke. Oh, hello. It's good. of Sight. And that's right. It's a Price of Sight. I'm broke. Eli's broke again.

I'm not broke. We need a new Eli. I am not broke. Oh, hello. It's good. I've got a new Eli. Yeah, go get him. Right.

Oh, he's brought another Eli in. Sit down, Eli's. I'm Mike Technique. Shut up! What the fuck? Right. What have you got'm Mike Technique. Shut up! Right, what have you got? Mike Technique, what have I got? I am not doing this segment with Mike Technique. Right, I'll fuck off then.

I know when I'm not wanted. Should I send Eli back in? Yeah. He's getting up. He's closing the door. How was the new Eli? Awful, awful, awful, awful I never want to see him again

Eli You should step outside the podcast No, I love it when you do No, I love it when you say that Step outside the podcast And just agree that we're not going to bring Mike Technique Mike Technique has got wings That's another aspect of his character

He does not have wings. He does. He flies around. Wait, I thought you meant you were saying he had promise by saying he had wings. Not literal wings. He has literal wings

and a horned penis. He's got a talon-shaped peni that he hooks people up with. Yeah, build his character more. What else? He's got nipples made of bread. This is what happens when you don't... When I don't what?

When you don't, I don't know, think things through a little bit. You just open your brain. Nipples made of bread. What's I'm thought through about that? It's just, you just said, you just opened your mouth and you went, let's see what happens by the end of this sentence. And it's just like, nipples made of bread. You couldn't have said anything.

His knees made of duck eggs. Doesn't matter. It's all nonsense. Stop eating. Stop eating. All right. Get the price of slight going. No.

Put the food down. I'll put you over my knee and give you a smacked arse in a minute. You've been a naughty boy all day. Wait. No, no, no no Don't loom over me I'm not getting over your knee Fuck off Get over my knee I'm going to give you three smacks of the arse

Put your wang away, Paul I haven't got my wang No one knows that though, do they? Oh, I see In that case Stop hurting me Oh, Eli, stop Stop taking a shit on the floor.

Oh, Eli, stop doing a Nazi salute and worshipping a picture of Hitler on the wall. Now, you've gone too far. Oh, no, I've gone too far, have I? Well, no one can see, Eli. Oh, why is your penis literally in shreds? Oh, Eli, is that the best you've got? Nick, you should go to hospital. Why?

Why are you wearing a Klu Klux Klan outfit? Why do you have collections of, like, fishnets and oysters on your wall? Jesus, cut this. Yeah, right? What do you mean, right? I'm just saying, if you ever want to push it, you know I'll push it over.

You need to cut that all out. No, that's staying in. All right, I'll go back to chunky-handed half-wit. Now, Paul, what version of the Price of Shite game are we going to play today? Today, we're playing a slightly different variation of the Price of Shite because we like to mix it up. And so today, we're playing the Rank Me Off edition. If you want to play the game, you've got to guess the price.

Oh, that Price of Shite. Rank me off tonight. I'm going to show you five things, and price of shite rank me off tonight i'm gonna show you five things and you've got to rank them off and then hopefully you'll win the prize rank me off right so it's the put them in order game but without the guess the price bit ah i'll explain it as we go so there are there are five items in this collection now talk about posh bag i've never seen that what is that it's a waitrose waitrose for life bag yeah but i found it at a bus stop because it's in a little package like that and it rolls up and it all rolls up isn't it shopping yeah i did save the world well yeah save the world so i'm going to show you five things right and all you got to do is put them

from cheapest to most expensive, right? As we do. Now, here's what we'll do. Because there are five items. At any time in the game, you can ask for one of them to be revealed. One of the prices. The prices to be revealed. Oh, I love liking this now.

So if you go, oh, I want to know what that is, because that might give you a good benchmark. Oh, the professor with his strategy. Now, it means that you won't be able to get a point on that item when it comes to getting the prize, but it does also mentally mean you could get more points overall. Because you get them in order. Exactly.

And I get a point for everyone that's in the right position in the ranking. Yeah. And then two points being spot on. Scooping these noodles back into Popeye's bag. And I'm also tidying up. So. You do that a lot, that gag. Nine times out of ten, it doesn't work.

No, it never works. Nothing I say ever works. Thank you, Paul. Nonce, did you just say under your breath? No. Okay, good. I said once. Kiddy fiddler.

Did you say kiddy fiddler under your breath? Yeah, I can hear it right in my fucking ears. Wanker. Fuck off. Right. All right, get it out then. Get your first item out. I like this.

Here we go. Here's the first item. Oh, I didn't know there was a sticker on it. Let me just take this one off. Just every single time. Just this one. Every time. The whole point of the game is guess the price and you leave the price on.

What kind of cunt does that though? Present the first item. Here it is. This is magic and tricks. Protect your magic skills with the rope cutter. Yeah. It's impossible. Oh, it's one of those things.

Yeah. I'm going to get it. Get it out. What's so funny funny I don't know The whole hiccup I've got hiccups It's those fucking Angry burger tackies

I told you not to put one In your mouth didn't I Oh I really do have hiccups Yeah good That'll teach you Fuck That did actually Give me a fright

Good Because that was the point Isn't it And then you go Hang on Yeah they're gone. There you go, it worked. Right, so what do you do?

Well, you put this rope through here. Yeah, a blue rope through the little box. There's a device and a blue rope in here, ladies and gentlemen. And I can see now how it works. Yeah, because you've... Yeah. So, you put it through. Yeah.

Eli does magic. You put the blue rope through the little black box. If you can see, it's the great Elid through. Yeah. Eli does magic. He puts the blue rope through the little black box. If you can see, it's the great Elidini. Yeah. Look over there. Yeah. Look over there. Right, I'm ready.

Oh, your master of distraction is amazing. Oh, what's going on over there? It's a dead pigeon. Oh, I missed out. Smell my dead pigeon pit. It's stuffed in my armpit. It's a dead pigeon. You'd be a horrible magician. Smell the rats. Smell my dead pigeon pit. It's stuffed in my armpit. It's a dead pigeon. You'd be a horrible magician. Smell the rats.

Smell my rat cage. I'm Eli Deeney. Come on. I just love the idea of you doing a magic set for kids and then you put your arm down and a dead animal falls out of the sleeve. Sorry. Got a bit hot.

And then everyone finds your case full of dead bees, you fuck. Oh, it's fucking a whole suitcase of dead bees. Get round the back whilst they're slurping syrup.

So, I fed the blue rope through the device, Paul. Yeah. And then what you do is, there's a little compartment in each side of this

which has another piece of rope. Yeah. It's on a draw contraption that sort of pushes it above. Just explaining the magic trick, but yeah. It just makes it look like you cut rope in half and then magically put it back together. It's good, isn't it? It's not too bad as those things go. No, it's a nice simple trick.

I could see how a child would like that. Yeah. And it's very similar to the sort of thing you do in your thumb. Yeah, that whole thing. It's that kind of... It's very well done. You do that very well. Thank you. Okay, and I of... It's very well done. You do that very well. Thank you.

Okay, and I think... That's your first item. A charity shop item? It is. No, this is one of the things from a chai. This is a chai-donated item. Did he say where he got it?

No. He didn't say where he got it? No, but I do... Oh, no, he does, actually. It's just I've seen these elsewhere. But where did he get it from? Home Bargain.

So he bought it new in Home Bargain. Okay. Hmm. Okay. Hmm. Okay, I'm going to reserve judgement when I've seen another item. You're going to reserve judgement, are you? I'm not going to stick my nose out

because it will sully the waters. Right. I'm treading on thin water. Here's the next one. Ah, this is a fidget cube. Fidget cube. Now, we both possess fidget cubes, don't we? I love my fidget cube.

I love my purple one. Yours is just there. I've got a purple and pink chrome one. Same brand as yours. Came in a little... Do you want to hear some of the clicky noises? Oh, it's very satisfying. There's the clicky ball.

There's the little dials. Yeah. Yeah. If I do it right there. Press There's the clicky ball. There's the little dials. Yeah. The little dials. Oh. Yeah. If I do it right there. Press the little buttons on the side. If I do it right there. If I do it right there.

Fucking rub it. Rub it. Weird. Imagine that was your vagina. My vagina? Look. Not getting that one you anywhere near my vagina. I would be interested to see, Paul, whether this fidget cube that you've got here

in this rank-em-off version of Price is Right is different from the ones we've got. Well, let's find out. I'm opening it up now. It's been pre-opened. Yeah. And, oh, it's a nice one. Oh, actually, that's how I look.

I didn't look at the colour. I just realised. I just bought it. Oh. No, it's exactly the same model. It's grey and black. Actually... But it's got a different finish.

The plastic is a different... Whereas mine has sort of chrome, and it's exactly the same model it's grey and black actually but it's got a different finish the plastic is a different whereas mine has sort of chrome and it's hard that's a matte finish isn't it it's a matte finish blue matte finish oh it's quite nice it's a nice one

it doesn't have the quality on the on the rotating disc does it it doesn't have any catch on it because it's meant to have that kind of little coggy teeth which this one does it has the coggy teeth.

Yeah. If you can hear that, ladies and gentlemen, that's the noise that the real one makes. That's the noise the real one makes. That has a nice action. Yeah, it's got a nice action. For this new one, I'm doing exactly the same thing with the same item on one of the faces of this fidget cube. Fidget cube. It just spins around.

You can hear the quality's not there. It's not there. Look, it just goes round and round and round. It does. What about this? Oh, but you know where the quality's not there. It's not there. Look, it just goes round and round and round. It does. What about this? Oh, but you know where the quality's better? On the light switch clicker. On the light switch, it's a lot better.

Is it a lot firmer? It's got a hard clicker. No, feel the click on that. Oh, come on. How quick is it? And then feel it on mine. I'll feel yours. And then I'll feel this.

It's very floaty, this one. Mine's very light and floaty. But this one's hard and firm. It's got a good hard click. Perhaps they say, where are we going to put our expensive component? And they make a sort of... I bet they're all spongy. The dice buttons are very similar.

But they're all spongy, right? None of them are clickers. They're all clickers. Let's have a look. Yeah. So it is different, isn't it? Although the design is exactly the same. Yeah, these are all clickers. But with the official look. Yeah. So it is different, isn't it? Although the design is exactly the same. Yeah, these are all clickers, but with the official ones,

some of them are just foam pressing. Well, that's why this, I think, my one isn't official, because these two are foamy. Yeah, they should be foamy. And the middle three are clicky. And the silver ball here doesn't click. Just rotates. It's definitely a different...

And what have you got there? There's the... The dials. It's like a combination look. The analogue stick thing's got a bit of... It's not a bad... The dials. It's like a combination look. The analogue stick thing's got a bit of... It's not a bad little thing. No. It's quite a nice colour.

I mean, you can get them originally when they came out for like £10 or £12. Yes. So, you know, they were quite the item. And I love mine because when I'm anxious and stuff, it's nice to have it. And nicely on the box, it has a little diagram showing all of the things. You've got the click. Yeah. You've got the spin,

which we didn't think was very good. That's probably the biggest disappointment. The flip, which is the light switch, which is very, very firm. Glide,

which is the sort of Nintendo sort of joypad. Yeah, the analog stick thing. Roll. And breathe. They say breathe. It's the smooth flat side.

That's like the calm. Where you calm when you're not doing... It's quite just an indentation. I never thought of that. I didn't think of that as an actually I have a fidget thing. No, it's another text. It's another text, isn't it?

Well, I'm learning stuff about fidget cubes all my life. Well, you can fiddle with my cubes anytime you want, Mr. Silverman. Now, where was this purchased from? This was purchased in a charity shop in Highgate. Just by Highgate Station. Okay. I will reserve judgment. You can reserve judgment

until you've seen all five. We're two down. Now let's have the third item, please. Let's have a look at this one. Oh, it's a book. It's a paperback book. It's a book. How to Pull a Bird

in Seven Languages. Hey! The Ultimate Guide to Success with Women from Around the World. Are you bringing pick-up artist stuff onto our show? Yeah. The horrible, hateful, mis Are you bringing pick-up artist stuff onto our show?

Yeah. The horrible, hateful, misogynistic pick-up artist stuff. Read the back. Pull a bird. Pull a bird. All right.

In seven languages. If you've never had any luck with women, it's probably because you aren't using your tongue properly. All right. Oi, oi, oi.

Licking out, cunt. You're a puffer, aren't you? Fanny licking out. Damn, you can't get a bird. Lick out the fanny. All right, okay, oi, oi. Licking out, can't you? You're a puffer, aren't you? Fanny licking out. Damn, you can't get a bird. Lick out the fanny. All right, okay, you can move on from that. Nosh my gob off.

Right. If you've ever been lost for words when talking to the fear of sex, if you've ever gone red and bottled out of bragging the eyes, or if you've ever wondered what to whisper into a woman's ear, then you need this book. I want you to say things from now on in not an accent

because I couldn't understand a fucking word you just said then. Well you're shit aren't you? Stupid. Just carry on reading without doing one of your

stupid accents. How to pull a bird in seven languages will help. Yeah. I'm going on to the next bit. Go on. Like you asked and not doing an accent. Yeah. I'm going on to the next bit. Go on. Like you asked.

Yeah. And not doing an accent. All right. Is there anything else? Mr. Petite, sir. Mr. Petite, sir. Eli, could you do it again, but do it better, please? Yeah, Eli, could you do it again, but better, please?

Do you want me to do the whole thing? No, just the next bit. I'll do the whole thing. No, just do the next bit. No, no, no. I'll do the whole thing. How to pull a bird in seven languages. If you've never had any luck with women, it's probably because you aren't using your tongue properly.

Yeah. If you've ever been lost for words when talking to the fairest sex, if you've ever gone red and bottled out of breaking the ice, or if you've ever wondered what to whisper into a woman's ear, then you need this book. How to pull a bird in seven languages will help change your fortunes, turning you into a smooth-t that you need this book. How to Pull a Bird in Seven Languages will help change your fortunes, turning you into a smooth-tongued Casanova overnight.

Every page features a surefire chat-up line in English, French, German, Italian, Spanish, Swedish, and Portuguese. So, whether you're going to your local for the evening, the Costa del Sol for two weeks, or around the world for years,

this book provides all the polyglot pulling power you'll ever need. Oh, right. Well then, here we go. Shall I open a random page? I'll be a lady. We'll just start in England. I'll be a lady. Oh, hello.

I'm just drinking in a pub. Oh, it's nice here. Oh, mmm. I'll have a Bacardi and Coke, hello. I'm just drinking in a pub. Oh, it's nice here. Oh, mm. I'll have a Bacardi and Coke, please. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Yeah. No, no.

No. Hello, Keith. I'm lost. I'm transformed. I'm not home. Excuse me. Darling. I'm just sitting here with my friend having a drink. I've gone to Liverpool now. Fucking listen to me, then. Excuse me, darling? I'm just sitting here with my friend having a drink.

I've gone to Liverpool now. Fucking listen to me, then. Excuse me? Listen to what I have to say. I'm just here with my mate having a drink. Well, you won't be fucking just sitting there. You'll be on your arse in a minute if you don't listen. Right, I'm coming again.

Right. So anyway, I was talking to Carol in accounts, and Carol... Hello, excuse me. Oh, fuck. So, what do you do when you're not turning men to jelly? Which you're turning me to jelly, but also hard. Excuse me, I've got to... I can't get hard.

I've turned to jelly now, but don't worry. It's a temporary state of matter, and the matter gets rock hard. Well, then, if they turn to jelly, I just tend to eat them, don't I? Just eat them. Alive. So, anyway, I was talking about cow and accounts. Hey, the disco started. Dancing, are you, love?

Yeah. I've got something to say to you. I'm not dancing, am I, love? I've got something. You better fucking start dancing or I'll come in again. Right. So anyway, thanks for the drinks. All right.

So I was talking to Caroline Accountants. She came up to me the other day. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Yes, mate. What do you want? Be unique. Step out from the crowd. Say yes when I ask you to fuck me.

Right. No, I'm not going to. Is that right? Right, right, right, right, right. Girls love me because I wear funky coloured underwear. Is that meant to be a part of... That's awful. You'd never go up to someone and just say,

I wear weird underwear. This is a fucking bullshit book for bullshit people. Yeah. Published by bullshit. Over the top. You want to hear an over the top one? I'm getting into character. So, I was talking to Carol and Count,

and Carol told me that... It's me again. Carol told me that Steve, who's doing HR now apparently. Listen, stop talking about Steve or I'll fucking kill you. I'm coming again, Tony. Oh, hello. Yeah? Oh, I'm very sexy, rich and entirely, extremely handsome.

What's your excuse for being so irresistible? Fucking hell. Jesus. I'm an international spy. Are you, mate? Yes. The safety of your country depends on you taking me to bed right now. See, that is a bit rapey now.

It's a bit rapey. It's getting well rapey. Right, let's swap. You be your lady. Oh, hello, Carol. What are you fucking doing? Oh, I'll have this ambuca with the mouf shots. Hello. Hello?

Hello, Carol? All right, this is from... Oh, there's a strange guy coming over. I think he likes you, Carol. Oh, does he? Does he like me? Oh, I think he does, Carol. Okay, Carol, I'm just going to step out.

You know what? I don't fancy this one. Oh, fucking come back, please. I don't fancy this one. Hello? This is from a direct chapter, right? Hello. Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?

How are you going to do that? It means I'm going to get down on me chuffing knees, bury me head between your fucking chunky thighs, and eat you out like I'm having McFlurry on a hot fucking day. Well, I hope you like chunky muff. No. It's like a Yorkie bar down there. Right, let's do another direct one.

These are terrible. Oh, they're all fucking horrible. Right, here's another one. Oh, Carol, et cetera. Hello, love. What's your name? You're pretty, aren't you? Yeah, listen.

My name's Jenny. Anyway, Jenny. Sorry. It's weird, actually. Anyway, Jenny. Sorry. It's weird, actually. Sorry, Jenny. We've all learned something today. Tracy. Tracy.

My name's Tracy. Anyway, Tracy, I'm a very generous man, and I won't be happy until I've given you an orgasm. That works? Oh, that is very generous of you. I'm calling the police. Right. Here's another one. My face is leaving in ten minutes.

Be on it. All right. Here's me muff out. Do you know what they call it? Yeah, what do you call it? They call it the Yorkie. Yeah, I can't hear you. Because it's chunky.

It's not for men. And it's been eaten by several thousand lorry drivers. And seen. All right, so that ended up... Just to put it into clarification, that was a scene involving me throwing up into your vagina. Okay, yeah.

Right, great. It will improve the odour. Oh, God. Oh, God. Or there's some insulting ones. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? Or in French...

you a drink or do you just want the money? Or in French, je peux vous offrer un verre et vous voulez vous juste un litre d'or? Where did you find this? This could be a fucking Poucassa, Poucassa. This is an RSPCA. It's terrible.

No, no, so policia. No one needs to hear that. No one needs to hear that. No one needs to hear that. There you go. There's a book anyway about... I don't want that. You must take that. Promise you'll remove this.

I'll burn it. The House of Pickles. We don't have dodgy... Do you want to write a few down before I burn it? That's the thing. So is it a joke? It's meant to be a joke. You're not going to use these.

It's a humorous book. Anyone who gets that and thinks it's gonna get them laid is yeah they're not getting laid but you can imagine some kind when was it published do we think this this has to be a 90s thing 80s 90s 98 yeah um when blokey comedy culture was sort of still that's that was it even badly yeah but lad culture yeah it's called wasn't it used to be a thing not a thing anymore. Not a thing anymore. And I'm not lamenting it. No.

I hated it during the time because I didn't fit into it. Yeah, I hated it as well. It's just all cunts talking shit about other cunts. Fucking football and stuff. Football and F1. And tits. And birds, the hottest bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my women like I like my coffee.

Instant. I don't know. Four. I like women like I like me tea. With two lumps in. No, I like me women like I like me... Lager. I like women like I like...

Help me. I can't. I'm not helping you. I like women like I like... Thank you, Mr Paul G. I'm not helping you. I like women like I like... Thank you, Mr. Paul Gannon. It's only his first gig, ladies and gentlemen. So, let's give it up. We made it to the office and I'm funny.

They certainly did, yes. All right, back to the next item anyway. Right, good. Now, I think that's the cheapest so far, I'll say. Now, we've already had this on the show, but I wanted to have a quick go of it, and it is part of the process. This is what I got in Brighton. Remember? Fun Employed. That's the cheapest so far, I'll say. Now, we've already had this on the show, but I wanted to have a quick go of it, and it is part of the process.

This is what I got in Brighton. Remember? Fun Employed, the interview game of actual jobs and absurd qualifications. Yeah. It's a fun little game. And it's mint on card. It's very mint on card. I'm just trying to remember how much it was,

because I guessed it in the beginning. Exactly. Exactly. Why can't I remember? It was those nuns that put me off. Yeah, the nuns. Everyone kept asking why we didn't take pictures of the nuns

and it was just we just didn't think because we were so shocked we were generally so like oh we do there's nuns I thought it was like Omen 5 or something

the nuns you know devil nuns come to like you know like with white eyes staring at you like the nun so let's play a little game

the idea is right is that we take turns to be in a situation where one's the job interviewee and one's the job interviewer right and the idea is you pick four cards at random which have traits on that are on your cv that you have to defend right so if it was like oh i throw up a lot you'd have to make it work for the job interview right and then i or the interviewer give you a the job title at the beginning.

I've lost it. I've totally lost it. Here's a bunch of cards. On this card are a bunch of random weird traits, right? Yeah. All you need to do is pick out four randomly, all right? Okay. And then what?

You look at them. And then what? Well, then I'll tell you in a sec. So just pick randomly any four of those. Four cards? Yeah. And don't tell me which ones you've got. Not yet.

Here's one. Yeah, he's picking one. He's picking another one. I'm picking them randomly. Yeah, just any four, yeah. Have you picked four? I've got four. Right, I'm going to pick one randomly now that I won't see.

What are these? Don't read them out yet. This is shit, isn't it? Right, and then I'm going to pick randomly a job. Is this Ganon's Golden Games? No, that's why we're doing it here. And then I'm going to pick randomly a job that you're applying for that you won't know until we get the game going.

Right? So, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to interview you for the job, and over the course of the next few minutes, you've got to use those four cards to impress me. What do you mean, use the cards? Well, let's just say it's one of the... Tickle your penis with it.

Yeah, let's just say one of the cards said tickle your penis. I actually used the card to jam it into your meters. No, I just mean... No, jam it. Twing, twing. No, we're not. What, like when you put it in a bike spokes? Yeah.

Yeah. That'll give you a twangy old twang. You can leave. You can stay away from my penis. I'll wank you off. Is that what happens? Let's just stop this. That's how I get my jobs.

Let's just stop this for a bit. No, don't stop it. Oh, he fires back. It's like Battleship. That was you again. That was, and that was him. Don't try and fucking blame me for farts ever again. Right, so.

Okay. You got four cards They were trained We're never going to get Any kind of awards No, we're not It's fine Don't worry about it

Right, ready? I'm not going to tell you About the jobbers Until we start the scene What do I do with these? You use them Throughout the interview Okay, I'll come in

Yeah, so you Listen I'll knock on the door And then card by card You go And what job am I going for? You're going to find out Once you sit down

That's part of the game Okay And then at some point I I spring something on you. I'll come in. Right? Yeah. I did this with my partner the other day, and she got it like that, and I don't know why you can't.

Why do I have to incorporate the words on these cards? Yeah, we're going to improv a scene, and you incorporate those four cards to tell me why you'll be good for this job. Okay. Right? Don't fucking shrug and roll your eyes at me. Right, I'll come in, shall I? Barbara! Fucking hell. Send in the next interviewer. Right, I'll come in, shall I? Barbara!

Send in the next interviewer! No, no, no, stop the scene. Ruff, ruff, ruff! Barbara! Stop doing my... I'm Richard Bradnoff and I'm going to interview this person. No, you're not! Come on, just don't say Barbara. Just think of some other person.

Diana! Send the next job interviewee in. Come in. Hello. Hello, and your name is? I'm Eli. Hello, Eli. You want to shake my hand?

No, I don't want to touch you. Right. Can we step outside the podcast for a second here, Paul? Yeah. I don't want to touch you in reality. Let's just pretend we've shaken hands. I'm going to touch you. Let's start again.

Start again. I will touch you. Yeah? I will touch you. You don't have to say anything about shaking hands. I will touch you when I want. No, you won't. I will touch you when I want.

Stop looming, you big prick. I will loom whenever I want. You big looming gannon. That sounds like a... Oh, a looming gannon. Yeah. Have you seen them in the wild? Yeah, it looks like a type of bird.

Constantly erect. Looming gannon. Shut up. Right, so there's some kind of fucking wading bird doing this interview, are they? Come in. Oh, hello. Hello, yes, welcome. Well, hello, what's your name?

My name's Eli Silverman. Hello, Eli. Great to be here. Can I just say, comfy, very comfy chair. No, I'm glad. I've got a real nose for comfy chairs. I hadn't asked you to sit down yet, though. Oh, okay. Anyway, to sit down okay anyway okay why that's my initiative I take an E like look at the initiative I used I know it's very good need to be told I can see I can see the

purpose of things there's the purpose of that chair I intuited it you've already fucking lost the job I can go. Fuck you then. You've done me head in and you haven't even started the scene yet. Let's just, let's just.

Don't tell me you were being a bird a second ago. Keep it simple. Alright, I'll come in again. Alright. You say Diane,

send in. Diane, can you please send in the next one? Hello, come in. Hello, is this the interview?

Yes, is this Eli? Oh, I'm Eli, yes, hello. Please sit down. Right,

so, so why have you decided to go for the job of barrister today? Yes, is this Eli? Oh, I'm Eli, yes. Please sit down. Right. So why have you decided to go for the job of barrister today? Barrister at our star Costa Coffees. Oh, well, you know, ever since I was a young child... Oh, when are you going to show your card before you go into the studio? I know what I'm going to fucking do, mate. Yeah? Oh, yes.

Ever since I was a young lad, my mother used to take me out on Sundays for a special treat. Oh, treats. That's interesting. And you know what my treat was? What? Coffee.

Wow. So you became quite young and into coffee, I'd imagine. I didn't become young. You become older. I mean... Yeah. But I did... From a young age.

As a young child, I had lovely treats Of coffee Lovely My mum would And sometimes she'd If I was really good That week

Mr Gannon Yes I don't mind telling you this It's been several years She used to shoot it Right up my arse With a turkey baster Wow

And believe me Interesting Talk about caffeine hits Well I was just about to say Isn't it true that You can use caffeine As a An enema Coffee is an enema It is Yeah So she was being nice A lot of people would say about caffeine hits well I was just about to say isn't it true that you can use caffeine as a an enema

coffee is an enema it is so she was being nice a lot of people would say that was child abuse but it was very nice you know but it's interesting

don't try and get me to do my stand up it's just interesting isn't it fuck off you never go to Starbucks and ask for a fucking grande arse wash

do you no you don't thank you you've nicked my joke officially Paul And that's for a fucking grande arse wash, don't you? No, you don't. Thank you, you've nicked my joke officially. Paul. Come on, we're playing the game.

I'm into this. All right, cool. One card down. Three to go. What does the job... Can I ask a question? Yes, no. The job involves selling coffee to the public. What makes you think you'd be good with dealing with the public?

Oh, I've got a lot of experience dealing with the public what makes you think you'd be good with dealing with the public oh i've got a lot of experience dealing with the the uh the public yeah i used to be a dog walker oh he's a dog walker uh i used to take dogs yeah um and then take them on to uh playing fields woods uh let them shit uh quickly take them away and then people come up to me and go did you just let seven dogs shit just there? I go oh no. Lovely, lovely coat you're wearing. And they go ooh. And then by then you've distracted them. So you've got a good rapport with people.

Good rapport, good at lying. Okay, good, good, good. So alright, so far so good. I'm liking what I hear. But you know it is a lot of... But sometimes, sometimes because also you sometimes get, I've seen these inner city Costa coffee shops.

You get some dodgy types come in. Perhaps they try and walk away without paying their bill or something like that. But I have experience dealing with violence because some of the dogs, when I was a dog walker, would get rabid. Oh, no. Rabid. Rabid. Rabid. Rabid. So you're Rabid Rabid Ding Rabid

So you're rabid And I was like Fucking no I was like You're not going to touch me You fucking dogs I've got armour plated shirt on And I fucking put it in

Punch your teeth out And not getting infected And then I go home But then that's how I lost that job Because I killed all the rabid dogs Ah well at least you killed all the rabid dogs Not the nice clean ones that Well they were all rabid Because you know You put in the back of my van They the rabid dogs. Ah, well, at least you killed all the rabid dogs, not the nice, clean ones that... Well, they were all rabid, because, you know, you put them in the back of my van.

They get rabid, too. Well, that's not so good, then, really, isn't it? There's bats. The problem was, I had bats living in the back of my van. Well, they shouldn't... And they were rabid bats. Where did they get... Where did you get the bats from?

Oh. So, anyway, I mean, so far, you're doing very well in the job, but I do... I got them from a belfry, just to answer that last question. That's nice, because that's where you find them, doesn't it? You get bats from a belfry. Or caves. Or caves. Or pet shops.

Pet shops. Yeah. Castles. Bat dealerships. Sometimes on ring roads you've got bat dealerships. You can't think of anything. It's good, it's good. Battleships. Right. bat dealerships yeah you can't think of anything it's good good battleships

right oh okay so do you have any before we go is there any other trait you think that you could bring to the job

yes people love a bit of character I've seen they do you know they don't want just some faceless automaton

pushing the coffee towards them like a robot yeah they want someone with a bit of character, a bit of personality, shown in the way they speak. So I've got experience of doing funny voices. Oh, do you?

One of them is when I slur. So I go, is this your macchiato slur? Oh, so you make your slur part of... Do you want some coffee then, dear? If you like coffee, I've spunked in it. I don't think we need to go that far. No, I have! I have! Well, I will say this, Eli, before we get going.

I'm just looking for your CV, and there's one point on here I would like to say. It's that it says that you're just plain stupid. So why would I let a stupid, hairy, fat-faced, chunky-handed... Chunky-handed! ...sleary, dog-walking, stubby, stocky, ugly. Is that the end of this game? How do I score? It's like an impro game, then.

You just have to... What would happen is, if we were playing it... Oh, by the way, you didn't get the job. What you do is, if there was four of you playing, one would be the interviewer, interview three people, and then they would pick which one of the three wins based on how well they improvise. Okay, so it's purely subjective.

Yeah, and then they collect the cards. It's a fun improv game. It's just an improv game. I want to play. Okay, I'll be the I think maybe Mr. Branson over Brandoff and I'll pick four cards at random. Brandoff could do this, couldn't he, basically?

Look at that. Paul's allowing Richard Brandoff to make an appearance. So you take one randomly, which is what you throw into the game towards the end, like I did. Oh, I'm going for a job today, mother. Wish me well, for I wish to take part in the corporate world

and start making a living. Oh, I can't wait to be a big adult. I'm going for this job bye mother bye bye getting on me bike tring tring squeaky squeaky squeaky squeaky oh goodbye mr mr tonkins hope your farm's doing well tinkle tinkle tinkle oh postman and oh are you still on your drowns oh they should pay you more. Tinky-tinky-tinky-tinky-tinky-tinky. Still cycling. Shut up. I'm just going on the train. Oh, hello, Mr. Chuff the Train Man.

Will you take me to the big city for my job? Oh, for fuck's sake. Woo-woo. Chuffer, chuffer, chuffer, chuffer, chuffer. Oh, I was sitting across from Reverend Parsons. Just stop. Can we just fast forward? How's the church?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ah, here we are in the big city. Oh, I don't know my way. I'm getting in the way of all the people who live here. And they're getting saucy and all angry. But I don't mind. Right, here I go. Here I go.

Taxi! Get in the back! Mr. Brandoff sent me. You forgot the interview. Oh, I'll get in. Get in the back! Oh, where are we going to? You'll see.

Oh, I've never been to the big city before. You're going to Brandoff headquarters? Yeah, I'm very excited. I hear he's the most powerful man in business. He's a very powerful man. Yes, well, what do you know about him? He's a fair man. Is he fair?

He's a fair man and he's a very shrewd business man. I hope he won't mind my country ways. Well, he's quick to anger. And he's extremely misogynistic and hates women. Here we are. Okay, off I go. Just going through there. All right.

Oh, hello. I'm here for my 3.30 appointment with Mr. Brandoff for the job. I bet you are. Oh, he's right through there. Is it? Oh. Oh, I the job. Oh, I bet you are. Oh, he's right through there. Is it? Oh. Oh, I'll just... Oh, hello.

I'll just... You ugly woman. Fuck off. I'll just... I'll just let Mr Brandoff know you're here. Oh. What? What is it?

I told you, fucking bitch. Do not disturb me when I'm doing business. Oh, but Mr. Brandoff, it's the man about the job. Oh, all right, send him in. You're fired, fucking bitch. If you just go through down the door, don't worry about him firing me. He fires me all the time. And as long as I let him beat me mercilessly, he lets me back on the job. Oh, OK. Well, I'm going in.

Wish me luck. Good luck. I'm going to have your phone number afterwards. Anyway, off I go and hopefully I'll get my job. Come! Hello. I'm Mr Paul Gannon, here for the job, Mr

Brandoff. Ah, indeed you are. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Brandoff's the name. Hello. Sitoff. Ah, indeed you are. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Brandoff's the name. Hello. Sit down. Ah, okay, thank you. So, what's the job I'm here for? Now, I have an all-boys school. Oh.

And they need a bit of what I call physical education. So you're here for the gym teacher role? Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Impress me. Come on, hit me, Ruff Ruff Ruff. Right, well, what I can do is that... What can you do?

Spit it out! You sound like a girl! I'm made of bone. Oh, like this, bone, good. And it means that I'm... You're made of bone? Yes. I mean, what do you mean?

My bones are super strong, which means I can... That's a terrible, terrible affliction. Yeah, but it means... So it means you sink? Yes. Like a witch? I can't take baths or swim, but I can... Like a witch would sink?

Yes. So like a lady? Yeah. Well, no, I'm not like a lady. No, I'm... Ladies sink all the time. I've had six wives sunk like stones. No, it's just...

Threw them off a yacht. Sank. Ruff, ruff, ruff. They sank like stones. No, I'm... I had to pay off a yacht. Sank. Ruff, ruff, ruff. They sank. Sank like stones. No, I'm... I had to pay a lot of money. I've just got strong bones.

Escape jail? Just got strong bones, which means I can do ruff and tumble with the kiddywinks in the gym and they won't hurt me at all. Ruff and tumble? I don't like the sound of that. These are children.

No, I know. I just mean I can have a... You can what? You're stumbling over your words. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Well, if... Deborah, get in here with the dick scissors. She's coming in here...

With dick scissors? Yeah, that's right. What's that for? Cutting off your knobbers. Why? Because I'm Richard Branson, and I tell you why. Brand off. Brand off.

No, no. So anyway, I don't play too rough, because I'm very good. Brand off. Brand off. No, no. So anyway, I don't play too rough because I'm very good at tickling. Tickling. This is just getting worse. Ruff, ruff, ruff. No, I just mean. I don't like the sound of that. Lots of people find going to the gym too oppressive.

So I like to liven the mood by doing a little tickle here. Look, let me just tickle you here. No, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff oh come on I'm good at tickling you are quite good yeah so I felt a little

frisson there that's all you need to know in the old brand off noggin ah but also if that doesn't work I'm very good with a chainsaw so if

kids step out of line no I like this just discipline I wield my chainsaw right which I call Mr Choppy ruff ruff and then I just go

Get up that rope Does it go Can we Yes No I like this now No good Spitball this Now ruff ruff ruff

Could we get The chainsaw Some kind of modification I'll get one of my Science guys on it We get the chainsaw Yes We could make it

Make the noise That I make Ruff ruff Oh I see Let's hear what that would sound like now Richard Brandoff's going to spoff his joss off And finally I believe there's room to grow

In this job Do you know what? There's not much more room to grow in my pants, I believe there's room to grow in this job. Do you know what? There's not much more room to grow in my pants. And I believe... I've got the rough-off rub-off on the joss-off on my knob-toff. So I believe that I'll be good as a gym person. Deborah, you're going to have to come in here and blow me hard. Then you're fired.

I hate this character. So, do you have any questions Before I leave Yes Now Yes Have you Yeah

Have you got hard skin On your face I mean I've got hard bones As we've discussed I like the bones Dense bones good And I like to tickle You like to tickle

And my chainsaw Do you like putting your fingers up, arseholes? Just asking. I can. You can? There's room to grow on that. Is that a yes? Is it a yes on the arsehole finger?

Yes! Yes! Now. This school where you'll be working, Brandoff Academy, It's in the Arctic. Oh. So, you'll be working outdoors, the gym's outdoors, and you'll get a very numb face. Oh!

Well, that's fine. And you've got the job. Like it. Oh, that's just going to show me the card and then that's it. I'm meant to defend that. You defend what? Numb face.

What do you mean defend? You'd say, why would having a numb face get you the job? Oh. Well, you'd have a numb face having a numb face get you the job? Oh. Well you'd have a numb face. Why would that get

you the job? Because people slapping me in the cold I wouldn't feel it because I'm too numb. Ruff ruff. And just like this

experience it has hollowed me out and made me feel dead inside. So therefore I can deal with business because I won't feel human emotions.

I'll just be one big gym man who cuts kids up with chainsaws. I'll just be one big gym man who cuts kids up with chainsaws that go roff roff roff and then tickle their dismembered body parts.

You've got the job. Roff roff roff. Shake my hand in real life in the podcast. Oh we're doing it. Okay Paul. There's a bit of fun.

Now what? Do you like that game? I mean I reckon yeah. If I was doing it with proper... It's got no winning, really. It does, if you do it with other people. It's all quite subjective, isn't it?

Yeah, but that's part of the fun, isn't it? You're trying to outshine the other people who would be doing the same thing. As you would with candidates in a job interview. Yeah, because if it was a job interview, they'd all be going for the same job, but they'd be using different four cards. Do you think when you play it for real,

you're not trying to be funny about it? You're trying to actually incorporate things? Yeah. Justifying the cards that you got. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. It's a bit of fun in terms of an improv game. Yes. It's a nice little character-building situation.

If only I could remember how much it fucking cost. Well, there you go. We think it's probably a Kickstarter thing that never went anywhere. Well, we've got our last item today on the show, and it's our big finish. Ladies and gentlemen, say what you see, Mr. Silverman. This is a gatefold double LP of Britain's best love,

light entertainment figure, we could say. It could be. He's one of them. Mr. Bruce Forsythe. Nervous. Nervous. Bruce Forsythe, we've mentioned him on the show in the past, fleetingly. He's got a very long story short.

He's a song and dance man who could present and entertain. He's an all-rounder. A bit of acting, a bit of comedy, singing. And he came from the musical variety scene before the Second World War. I mean, Christ, he's been on TV for almost as long as there's been TV. Until he died. Last year, whatever it was. It was a couple of years ago now.

Was it? yeah anyway but this is called Both Sides of Bruce it's on a pink we like Brucey here at Cheap Show HQ because he's naff

but he's not naffing away he's extremely naff but he's naffing away that we're never going to get again it's like I miss that kind of song and dance man all round entertainer yeah

you just don't get anything like that you just don't get anything like that like the closest I can think of off the top of my head for example example, is like Channing Tatum. He's a guy who can act, he can sing, and he can dance because he's had all that training and stuff like that. Yeah, but he doesn't do TV. He doesn't do a TV show. No.

You know, he just does, he dances or he sings in a movie. He's a movie actor. Who do we have now who would compare? Ant and Dec? No. Yeah. No, not really. Well, they sing.

They've fallen into the hosting thing. They do dance numbers, don't they? No, they have done acting as well. They did PJ and Duncan. So they are light entertainment. But they're no Brucey. They are no Brucey. This is both sides of Bruce,

and it has two photographs of Bruce in his two modes. Yeah. And there's two records which cover the two modes. As things go, it's quite a concept. It's a concept album. You've got the singer which is Brucey in white yeah

in an incredibly well ironed well ironed white cardigan and white trouser combo and like white flared stay pressed trousers

like they're golf shoes almost aren't they I have to say I fucking love that outfit it's a good look I'm not gonna knock it it's so loungecore, isn't it? It's just so like...

I love the way he's holding the mic away from his mouth. He does his high notes. He's got mic technique. He's got mic technique. If someone had mic technique... If it's going to be him. So that's the singer, and the other is the entertainer,

and he's in a much more sort of traditional tuxedo show suit. Paul. God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I put the mic right up to it, by the way. Let's not do this. We can't be the farty podcast. Use the Febreze.

The Febreze is coming up, ladies and gentlemen, because it is foggy on the banks of the river. Enough, enough, enough. This could be our lowest moment. It's our lowest moment. I'm going to set my asthma off, mate. Right.

Right. It's lucky they don't have some proper perches. No. Mine are like ghosts. You think you see them, but they're gone. Okay. So that is the Brucey. So it's two albums.

One is the singer. And it's just him doing clean classics. You know what I mean? It's just him doing show numbers, Vegas numbers. Go on and take a bow is another song. A lot of these are things that I don't recognise because they're from that era. From that kind of Las Vegas lounge singer kind of era, isn't it?

I can't recognise any of these songs. No. Always wear your love for me kissing in the cactus what there's one called kissing in the cactus um however and then on the other record it's bruce the entertainer and it says side three includes it's because because it's it's basically this there's so much material it's a lot of material in this record yeah so you get a full album on site on the first one on the second vinyl you get a full album on the first one. On the second vinyl, you get a live show where he's talking to the audience.

It might be a Palladium show, we don't know. He's doing bits of the Generation game and the bits of this and that. Let's play a little clip of it right now. Let's play the opening spiel. Now you're here And now I know

Just where I'm going No more doubts, no more fears Yes, I'm on my way Now, a lot of you said to yourselves, as soon as I came out here, how long's he on for? Well, it does depend on you as an audience. If you're a good audience, I do two hours. If you're not, I'm going to do three.

If you're really bad, I'm on for four and a half. It develops into a sort of a love-hate relationship, but it can get very nasty. But I do hope nothing happens like that tonight, cos I've had such a nice day, I've been counting me jokes. And, er... What a good idea, and they're dying to know. Coat by Begadour of Israel.

I knew you were here. Shoes ballet of Switzerland. Socks Hong Kong. One dollar a pair. Mind you, the fare's about 850 pounds, so it depends just how many you want. Shirt and tie by Pierre Cardin. Suit by Savile Row.

Underwear by Tupperware. Most uncomfortable. But it does keep everything nice and fresh. This is nice, it's groovy, I like the feel of it. I like the feel of it. Do you like the feel of it? I didn't think you'd remember, dear. Let's shut her up. Well, did you see her face when I came out here? And everything was Christopher Lee up here.

Christopher Lee dear, the tall fella in the horror films. Skinny chap, long thin face and great big teeth. Go and sit with her then, what's up with you? Smile, it's not fatal. I don't know what these pills are called but get me some more, they're working. Do you know I was all uptight when I came on now, I'm all loose it's a nicer feeling isn't it my love how the hell would she know right anytime you like come anytime you like let's get now it's never too late for rainbows to shine for whispering violins and bubbles in the wine It's never too late

I mean, I fucking love that. That, to me, is the kind of show I wish I could do. He's so chummy, though. You know, I know, but... Oh, isn't he chummy? He's like... And it's the fucking formula. Can't feel it.

It's not working. Get on. Yeah. You'll never compete with Bruce Falseth on a Saturday evening because he's really chummy. Isn't he really chummy? Really, isn't he? Isn't he nice? Isn't he?

Come on, enjoy yourself. Come on, Dudley. Good time you're on the show. Let's have a tune. Come on. Have a tune. Come on. Have a tune.

Cut it. His cunt won't work. Get another in. Never mind. Anthea. Anthea. I love Anthea. Come over here. Oh, I can't sing and I can't dance.

Anything else as well? Never mind. I have some cunt from the audience. Hello. Cunt from the audience. Yes, come in. Make a fool of yourself. Edit it together.

I'm pissing off home. Thank you. Derek, he is, he is incredibly professional. And he's sharp, even though his zingers

aren't fucking gut busters, his brain's still like, firing. Amazing. And that's why I listen to that second side, because it sounds like you're seeing him live.

You know, that whole thing about, if you like me, I'll do two hours. And if you don't, I'll do three. It's just pure. It's not really stand-up comedy. It's pure crowd work. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Which is a separate skill from stand-up, isn't it, really? But they overlap. It's comparing, yeah. Yeah, it's an emcee job, basically. But he's emceeing his own show. He just emcees his own show, doesn't he? And then the orchestra in the background is constantly riffing on a beat.

So it's like... Let's hit it! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then... And then, yeah. And then the first half ends with them doing an impromptu generation game. Yeah, so that's... What's the American version of the generation game?

I believe there was. I can't remember who, though. I'll have to look that up. But yeah, generation game was like a kind of... They did almost everything on both sides of the Atlantic, didn't they? I mean, I don't... Yeah, but I actually don't know off the top of my head

about generation game. I'm not going to look into it. Now, they do not have the song that I know Bruce for, Chin Up. There's no Chin Up on this. No. Perhaps he left that behind. He's trying to be taken a bit more seriously. I don't know where that's sourced from, because I know he must, Chin Up. There's no Chin Up on this. No. Perhaps he left that behind. He's trying to be taken a bit more seriously.

I don't know where that's sourced from, because I know he must have released a few albums, but Chin Up. But this is kind of later in his career, isn't it? This is 77, I think. And it's on a nice label, Warner. Oh, he saw this ticket. Oh.

You got nosy. Paul, I'm just looking at the record. Oh, luckily that's the wrong receipt, so you're all right. Is it really? Yeah, it's for the other stuff that I bought. That was in the bag. That wasn't for that. Are you sure?

Do you see the price? Yes. Ah, fuck. Is that the actual one? Yeah. I didn't see that one. All right, okay. Are you right?

Is that not? That is it. That is it. You've ruined the game. Oh, no, that's the one. That's the one you get then Fiverr Yeah

Wow you really Honestly for a Fiverr I thought it was worth it Because I've never seen that Before in the wild And it's in nice condition It's in great condition It's a well pressed

Record And if you want to see Double LP Classic prime Brucey In all his glory This is it And it's from 77 Which which must be his peak. Yeah.

Sort of like, yeah. Generation Go would have been huge at this point. He hadn't quite defected to ITV. You know, this is it. That was a fiver. Now, I think. Now, as a result, because you've got that, that's a fiver, right? Can we get to the game now?

This is the game. You've seen all the items. You've seen the magic trick, the fidget cube, the fun employment game. Both sides of Brucey and the chat up book so you know the brucey album is a fiver and i think that is you did not spend more than a fiver no on oh you're agreeing are you yeah no i i didn't spend more than a five on on anything else so that you've not only have you told me the price of that you told me where it is in the ranking no no of course, of course, because I want to just get out of the way. It makes more sense.

It's a fiver. That's the most expensive thing. So you know that's the most expensive thing. That's a good start for you, Mr. Silverman. Do you have a point this time? I think... So let's go down. What's the next most expensive, then, out of all of these?

I think it's the fun employed. Where's my phone gone? It's got the answers. I don't know, mate. It's all come to a stop. It's come to a stop. So we'll take a little break from the Price of Shire ranking format. It's a new format. I'm enjoying it.

It's good. It's good that Paul's gone out. I think I might just do Che cheap show by myself for half a minute and i can i can do that um yeah um it's got a fidget spinner some sauces, he's back. Found it. Yeah. Right. Good. I think Bruce, two sides of Bruce. Yeah, most expensive.

Is most expensive. Yeah. What's next? What comes... Bloody hell, it's almost 10 at night. Yeah, I know. What is the next most expensive? Fun Employed.

Fun Employed. What comes next? You've got the book, the cube, and the trick. I'm struggling between the cube and the trick. I think the cube comes next. You think the cube comes next. So I believe the cube is in the middle. The cube is at the center of the price range.

Right, okay. I will do that. I'll put it here. Now, what is the second most cheap item then? It will be the magic range. Right, okay. I will do that. I'll put it here. So it's that. Now, what is the second most cheap item then? It will be the magic trick. The magic trick. I'll give you that.

And then finally that means you say the book. I think the book is the cheapest. It's an absolute piece of shit. Alright. I wouldn't pay more than fucking 20p for it. Okie dokie.

So, what do I get? You get a point for every one you get correct in the order. And that's it? I don't get to guess the prices? We're going to do it next. All right. Let's see how you go halfway through.

Okay? Yeah. The most expensive item was... Ding! Bruce Forsythe. That was £5. That's one point I get. There you go.

Second most expensive item, for unemployment, £2.50. I remember it unemployment £2.50 I remember it being £2.50 Next item Was the fidget cube Come on This is my best score in ages That was £1.50 Next one

Was the puller bird That was £1.25 And the magic trick was £1. They were close, weren't they? Very close, but you got three points there. Starting off, good stead. Now, you can't get a point for £5 because that's already been revealed. Right?

So, do you want to have a guess how much the magic trick was? You just told me the price of it. I know, but I'm just remembering. How much do you think the magic trick was? You just told me the price of it. I know, but I'm just remembering. How much do you think the magic trick was? It was £1.25. No, it wasn't. £1?

Yeah, it's £1. You've ruined it completely. How much was the book? £1.25. Yeah, no, yeah. £1.25. Yeah, and then how much was the fidget cube? This is just remembering what you just said.

How much was the fidget cube? £2 just remembering what you just said. How much was the fidget cube? £2. No, it was £1.50. Fucking hell. How much was the fun employment? £2.50. Yeah. He did very well in that game.

You got one, two, three, four. You got six points out of potential. I know you got two points each because you got them right. So it's two, four, six, seven, eight. Paul, I will not cheat. I'm not cheating. You got nine points. You got nine points.

You did very well. Paul, I feel just like you fucked that up quite badly. I'm going to fart on your fucking face. No, don't fart on me or hit me. Fuck off. I'm going to fucking fart. No. Paul, next week we do a good episode?

No. Why start now? Ladies and gentlemen, that was Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. The mucky talking podcast with a heart of gold. If you want to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode, you can go to thecheapshow.co.uk. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, you can go to us at Patreon.com

forward slash cheap show. You fucking can't do it. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. Please do.

And you can donate as little as a dollar. Look at all the snacks we get. Yeah. I've got snacks. What are you

talking about? Oh, that's the sound of a cat. The sound of an angry cat. If you go to Patreon. Thank you so much. I've updated the tiers.

It's more reflective now. It's coming back. You know what that means? What? Nuzzles. A secret nuzzle donation. Fucking oily. Someone donated $6.66, thinking it was the nuzzle donation.

That's not. It's not, though. But, nuzzle throbs. You get extra podcast video content. It's going to be an exclusive podcast. It's my dick, isn't it?

There's a whole video of my dick. Yeah, not doing much, just laying there dead as a little doormouse gives it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Well, that's what they call it, mouth-to-mouth. No, it is. Yeah. No, I mean,

they call it resuscitation. Mouth-to-spout. They call it that, but it's actually a, what? A mouse blowjob. Thwoppage. Right.

Mouse dick, thwoppo. And also... Oh, this is your little mouse nubbin'. There's a new tier. Stop trying to kick me. There's a new tier that if you donate over $30, you get an exclusive cheap show just for you, where you give us an information and make you a podcast,

about 10 minutes long tops tops or whatever they want. When are we doing that? Whenever we can. It's a new thing we have to do. Are there already people giving that much? Not yet. But they'll get one.

We encourage them to. They get a little bespoke. They can do whatever they want with it. A bespoke podette. Yeah, they can keep it, put it online. Can they make decisions

about what kind of swear words we use? Yeah, if you have a wish list of any bad language or profanity. We could do a clean one. Yeah, we could do a clean one if you want to show it to kids. If you want to indoctrinate them early. By me saying, oh Eli, you silly

sausage. And you say, oh you dirty roustabout. That kind of thing. So patreon.com forward slash cheap show on Twitter. At the Cheap Show pod at Paul Gannon's show. Eli is eli snoyd eli s no id did you fart again because i'm getting a real big honk absolutely not perhaps i just spent no that is let's stop we can't be the farty podcast this has not been our best behaviour episode. It can't be the farty podcast, man.

Oh, dear. That's got such a rich, meaty honk. Is it a real Magritte? It's a real fucking Big Mac, that one. Is it a real Hamish Magritte? Hello? Oh, hello. If you want to email the show about anything you want,

you can go to Gmail. You can, if you want, or any other email company. But you can email us thecheapshow at gmail.com. So if you've got to tell us on the shop floor, tell us from anything else, you just want to get involved, have a little story for us, requests, you're good to go.

And I think that's it that's it mate that's it mate we're going mate Instagram Facebook Reddit we're all there get involved

other than that thank you for supporting Cheap Show we'll see you next week and remember source report no source report

I'll fart what do we remember I'll fart in your mouth next time if you bring up the source report again you'll blue cheese me I will blue cheese

you'll blue cheese me yeah fucking you dry will blue cheese. You will blue cheese me? Yeah. Fucking, you're trying blue cheese me. I will blow. Oh, Wensley Dale, you'll face off. Will you?

Yeah. Oh, mate. I'll get some truffle oil going. He damn your ass. I will drizzle truffle oil onto your knob spout. I will fill your gob with so much arse mozzarella

that you will not be able to breathe. What were you going to say? Don't have nightmares, have great looking hair. I used to say that. Don't say that. I was going to say something else. What?

And remember... Don't be jingling that. £2.48. £2.85. You can't remember a single fucking thing, can you? Yes. Say goodbye Eli Goodbye So what level are you on?

First one of the specials. Oh. Oh they just redone levels. Or are they brand new? I can never remember. They're different. How often do you cheat to get through a level? I just did it at... Because I was trying... To beat Bowser. At the end, quite hard, and then I thought, fuck this.

I'm going to use the permanent invincible. And then I tried with that, and then I thought, I'm using the power thing to go right to the end. Right, okay. You know what I mean? I just wanted to finish the game. But I don't do it.

Matt, of course I don't do it. I try and beat the really hard levels. Because here's the thing, right? Without it, you might have put that game down and never picked it back up again. But now you're exploring. Yeah. That's all good, isn't it? Yeah, I don't mind.

But it is that same sort of thing of the sort of freemian style, isn't it? Yeah, but you don't pay for it, do you? It doesn't force you to use it. How am I going to get that? Why can't I get it? Get what? I just died. Yay! I didn't die. Oh.

I was jumping from from the walls trying to get back yeah the wall jumps a fucker