CheapShow - Ep 137: Soda Jerk Off

Episode Date: July 26, 2019

It's too hot to record in the festering House of Pickles this week, so the Cheap Chaps move next door to the slightly more pleasant House of Sausage and Eggs. Once there, the heat rises and tempers overflow, so expect the usual rants, meltdowns and overuse of the word "thwopage". The only way they can cool down is to take a trip to visit the Soda Jerk Man and try out some of his fizzy, frothy, cheap delights! Sadly, they are lukewarm. Which means more disaster for Eli and Paul and the deaths of some "beloved characters". Oh, and there's a quick Price of Shite BFG Edition too. It's a fractured, heated and extra chunky episode of CheapShow. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-137-soda-jerk-off If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Hello, Paul. Hello, Mr. Silverman. Now, before we go any further, I would like to issue a public apology. Last week in Cheap Show, I let off a number of what we can only describe as eggy woofers and found it amusing, and I thought it lowered the tone of the show considerably. I would like to apologize for farting numerously and turning the show into a farce. I apologize to you for farting in your room. It show into a farce. I apologise to you. Okay. For farting in your room.

It's overdue, yeah. Spunking in your bed when you were out. I didn't know about that. Yeah, well, I'm telling you, I'm apologising for that. I thought there was something crispy. I'm also apologising for... Crispy morning surprise, I thought that was. It was crispy.

It was like when you get dried egg yolk on the side of a frying pan. Paul... Anyway, I apologise for all those things last week. Paul, I know. It's not the usual tone of Cheap Show. It's a high class.

It fucking is. Not. It is. And you know what? The show is slowly becoming. I think we should just jump the gun.

Yeah. Change the name of the show to Fart Off. Welcome to Fart Off. Yeah. Oh no, I've shat myself. That's it. Now let's just do the intro, the proper one. All right. Look, can I just say? Yeah. Bazaars. Yeah. Okay. And yeah. Discount stores. Yes. And let's just see. Jumbo sales. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show,

the economy comedy podcast for your ears. We go through the bargain bins, the pound lands, the charity shops, the bazaars, the jumbo sales, the fates, the discount stores, and... You almost had it! So, other places that sell food cheap. No, this is an absolute morass. And we deliver it to you, dear listener, in a show designed

to get the best out of the least in the world. This is an ugly, ugly intro. I am finishing this. I am finishing this. Don't. Don't bother. And so I will, I, Paul Gannon, host of the show along with Eli Silverman, welcome you to another edition of Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles all right it's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset noodle time Noodle time Tales from the Darks for a while How's the big guy? A fight of the Shite This is called guaranteed. Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Geek Show.

I think that went very well. You're broken. It's a hot day. So, I want to say this. It's a hot day. Excuse number one. Have you got tummy hurties as well tummy hurties

I do actually yeah I've got the runs at the moment I went in I had to run into work to do a bit of pre-production

on a weekend show pre-come John no not pre-come pre-production it was pre-production Paul bit of a yeah no pre-production Paul

listen ladies and gentlemen I'm winking at Paul I know Yeah prep So Yeah wink Prep yeah

So Smeary Smeary bellend So Smegma Smegma wipe Stop saying Random shit

Smegma wipe Anyway the long story short I had to squitz And I was Going to the toilet All the time In the work Yeah I nearly shat myself

At work Nearly I thought I could squeeze out a little fart in the corner and then I realised there was a thunder behind that. Next on Fart Off,

I'm going to shit. I'll just take a shit. Look, it's not a farty show. I wanted to just say, yes, it's a hot day so we're not doing the House of Pickles. We are in the House

of Sausage and Eggs. Yes. The slightly larger room. More boomy boom boom. Within Pickle Parades, the whole area. This room has had some famous cheap show moments over the years. The famous 50th episode.

No, that wasn't recorded here. It was. Oh, yes, it was. It was. Yeah, and the awards episode. And the awards episode. And that's it, isn't it? The house of sausage and egg has got some pedigree. Pedigree chump.

Yeah. Oh. That's a loud motorbike isn't it paul i i already feel yeah somehow that this week's episode is shit no it's gonna be fine you always say that no but you always say that now maybe invest a little more i am in a vest you are you are he's wearing a vest and he is invested and and paul and paul what if i was a crocodile uh you would be in a snappy vest i'd be an investor gay tour you've been peddling that gag now for years. It's not worth it. Right.

Anyway, it's Cheap Show. I like it. Welcome to Cheap Show. Okay. How are you? How am I? How are you? It's very hot.

It's very hot. It's going to be the hottest day of all time ever tomorrow, apparently. It's going to go up. Mercury will be nudging 37 degrees Celsius. Oh, well, there you go. That's your weather. Let's go over to Eli now for travel. I got the bus.

Was it busy? The bus. And with this weather, I tell you what, Paul, the bus, I just pass out. Literally heat pass out. Sticky business. Sweat. Grotty. Sweaty.

It's like being in a greenhouse on a hot day. It's not good. No, it's not good. And I tell you what, the way these fuckers here in London don't move up the bus. Oh, here we go. Move up the stupid bus! That's what I've got to say. Right, and now over to Paul Gannon

in News Headquarters. Thank you. And the top stories again. Digitize Alive. The top stories again. Digitize Alive was a huge success. Mr Biffo was very pleased

of himself it was nice to meet all the fans afterwards and sell all that stuff I was in my living room for ages so thank you for buying that so you cleared some space

yeah living space and you got to someone did a video of opening up one of the blind bags that they bought on YouTube

what was in it well a pube whose pube it could be mine. It might have been mine. I bet it was mine. I like to think it's mine. No, I like...

Come on. Who's... Paul, who's in charge of... Pubes. No, leaving mystery gifts. You. Yeah. Throppage.

One word. Throppage. Two words. Unknown throppage. Well, secret... Look. Secret throppage. That's actually quite hard to say Secret Secret thwoppage That's actually quite hard to say

Secret thwoppage Yeah it's a lot of Yeah At the end Secret thwoppage It's hard Secret thwoppage Let's just

Let's call it private thwoppage That works better Yeah but that sounds like a new character Private thwoppage Yes sir I'm private thwoppage Well Hooey

Private Yep Get your dick out Thwop Nice thwoppage well hooey private yep get your dick out thwop nice thwoppage best character we've done yet so right coming up on the show today

what have we got coming up you tell me you're curating today's show Paul it's a a meeting of the planets of aligned it's a very hot day

one of the hottest days so far this year and what do you do on a hot day what is your want on a hot day? Your average person, what is their go-to activity on a hot day? Supping a nice, fresh, cold drink. Exactly! And now we're going to have another visit today to the little addendum bit.

What do they call it? Addendum's fine. It's an addendum to our very popular segment. The Throff Shop. The Throff Shop, which is all about sweeties. Yes. But this is the Soda Jerk, where a soda fountain operator, Soda Jerk, he distributes...

Can I ask a question? Yes. What is a Soda Jerk? Because you used it. And there's a podcast that I made in mind called Soda Jerker, where they talk to songwriters. Good podcast, by the way. Is Soda Jerk a name for something?

Is it a term? I've never heard of it until you mentioned it. Yeah, the guy who operates the soda fountain in an old school chemist stroke soda fountain. Yeah, like in Back to the Future

when they go to that. Yeah, it's the... As far as I'm aware, the Soda Jerker is the actual employee, the person who mixes your sodas for you. Thank you.

Now I know. Okay. Continue. So we have been developing this section of the show, Paul, because, you know, there's a whole world of cheap and strange soft drinks out there. Fizzy drinks, fizzy pop. And cheap.

It's cheap. And so as a little addition to the Throff shop, we'll be skirting around the back of the thrift shop Down the alleyway Meeting the soda jerk, one of my celebrated characters He can't be celebrated if you've done it once And even then it was bad And I'm scrapping him

Yeah, well there you go, it wasn't that celebrated, was it? No, it wasn't Totally not celebrated by anyone You are deluded, I've never met anyone more deluded than you Yes you have No I haven't, I've never met anyone more deluded than you. Yes, you have. No, I haven't. Come on. I haven't. I've never met anyone more deluded than you. What am I deluded about? What beliefs do I hold that aren't true? Your health. You're deluded about your body and your self-care.

You're deluded about your talent. What do you mean? No, no, no. Hang on. Hang on. I know you're going to say clumpy handy cunt at some point soon. It's odds are good, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not deluded about the clumpiness of my hands, okay? But when you say my health, I'm deluded about the clumpiness of my hands okay but yeah when you say my health i'm deluded about it what do you mean what belief so delusion is believing something you continually tell me about my bad health so this is a thing

this is a i you hate me thing it's not i'm deluded it's you you attack me about my health eli and you're a cunt because you're a hypocrite thing that's what you're trying to say is it it's not which is fine bring out paul say it well i'd like to i hate you if you're i hate your fucking guts you you sniveling little hypocrite you chundering bulldog of bullshit that's what you are i'm not a chundering bullshit i don't go around going oh i'm so healthy do i no no that would be delusional let me me tell my fucking point then. My point was, right, that you could attack me on my health and what I eat all the time. And yet your room looks like someone literally was like an urban explorer and broke into an old cottage. And it's like, that's what they found. I like that.

And it's like full of food. That's what I'm going for. And you stink. People love that. Your undies are all over the place. And you dress like every member of I'll Be The Same Pet. You've just got this horrible thing about you. But you always point fingers at me.

And then you don't take any criticism yourself. Even though you live in despair. I do not live in despair. You live in despair. See, again, you're projecting. I'm not projecting. This started off about my delusions. You haven't managed to name one delusion.

You think you're in better condition than you are. And you're not. That's not a delusion. Anyway, second point, your talent. You're deluded

about that. You get by on a very particular type of behaviour on stage. This is not staying. You know what? This is the last episode

of Cheap Show. So let's just get it all out, shall we? I've just decided. Oh, Jesus Christ. So you think you're all Mr. Big Billy Bollocks, but everyone's laughing at you, not with you. You know what I mean?

They're laughing at you, not with you on stage. So you're deluded about that. You get by and you think that's your talent, when it's just some schtick that you do. Yeah, Paul. And you panic. Ruff, ruff, ruff. One second.

Hello. Why am I, you doing an impression of me now and I'm not doing an impression of you? Because you can't do impressions or sing

or rap or think quickly or do anything. Fuck, I'm not doing the rest of this show. I'm not doing the rest of this show. No, what would you fucking do without me?

Well, to be fair, that's the problem with this whole situation, isn't it? Yes. Without you, without you, I am an annoying scouse git yeah a smug scouse git exactly i'm not deluded my appearance on channels are only tempered by the appearance of other more popular people yeah i don't want to do this show anymore i'm full you've really taken, you know, it wasn't funny,

any of that. It was just a bit raw. Look. It was just a bit unpleasant and raw. And also wrong. Paul Gannon would like to issue another

public apology. Paul Gannon went overboard with his attack on his co-host, Eli Silverman, during a recent recording of Cheap Show, and he would just like

to use this opportunity to say that he is sorry and he's aware of what he does and he will aim to fix it. If you were offended in any way, I apologise. It's alright, Paul. It's just, you know. But you are a clumpy fingered

fuck. Nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah. Right, you're back. Yeah, okay. Good. So can we just start this section? One and a two and a three. Oh, mister. Oh, it's cold out here on the streets.

Tell you, unless it's hot. Sometimes it gets hot. All me matches burn. Then I've got nothing to sell. My arse stinks. So I just thought I'd let him go and see where that went. Me arse. Me arse don't know.

Really? My ring, it stings so bad. Who are you, by the way? Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Oh, I've gone in, have I?

You've come out and to the street, have you? You were doing a fucking monologue, weren't you? So I thought I'd let you finish before I came out.

Hello. Oh, it's the Mr. Oh, hello, mister. It's you from the froth shop. Have you got,

listen, mate. Oh, I'll tell you what, if you give us some sherbet, I can cut it, cut it down into little packets and sell it to all my little mates. You know, week by week, you're becoming more repulsive, aren't you, little boy?

You came in all innocent. I'm an urchin. What do you want from me? I thought I was teaching you to be a better child, to grow and experiment. I'm a good child. I've offered you work and you've turned me down. What work did you offer me? Stock the shelves in my shop. Listen, mate, that's below me.

I've been working these streets, selling the matches, delivering coal, going up chimneys. You're a lost cause, aren't you? Slurping fish water. You're a lost cause. Scrubbing my arse with sandpaper.

I've wasted my time on you. I see that now. My ring's bleeding. It's bleeding. But what I'm saying is we could go into business being you, Mr. Mr. Froth. We could go into business together.

Give us some of that sherbet. I'll get the little glassine packets. I'll cut it with ash and saltpeter. And then I'll go down the docks and there's all men fucking... I'm sorry to do this, little boy. all men fucking prostitutes down there. And I'll sell them at Sherbert and I say, it's Sherbert for the nobbings.

Sherbert for the rubbings on the nobbings. God almighty. Right. Oh, but listen, mate. You know, I'll let you think about that deal. But can I come in the froth shop, please? Little boy, I see I've wasted these years trying to improve you, and yet you are nothing but gutter-snipe children.

I'm sorry. I have to slit your throat now with this froth knife that I have. No, you don't. You're not killing a character off. No, you're not. I'm sorry, mate. And then I shall take my own life by overdosing on bonbons. You've tried, but...

Yeah, you see, you've tried there, mister, but I'm such a filthy, filthy urchin. Over the years, it's caked up into a hard rind of dirt on my little neck, and your blade's simply gone through that, and it hasn't really damaged me at all. Now take me in the fucking froth shop and let's get on with this segment. Fuck's sake! I'm sorry little boy.

You missed. I'm killing myself off. Oh you're killing yourself. Oh right. What am I going to do? Hang on, he's left the door of the froth shop open. I think he's dead now.

Yeah, that's just sort of gas. There's gas escaping from him. Fucking hell, Paul. Let's just step outside the podcast for a second, yeah? Stop farty jokes. Right. Oh, I'm the urchin. I'm back.

Okay, but he's dead. He's killed himself. He must have felt pretty guilty about not being able to turn me away from a life of crime here on London's dirty streets. But, ooh, he's left the froth shop open. Ooh. Ooh. Oh.

I'll just sneak in, shall I? Tingle, lingle, malingle, lingle. Ooh, it's a bit lonely in here.'ve met about mr froth cannon down here oh oh hang on someone's in the back they seem to be operating a old-timey soda fountain with all different kinds of soft drinks. I'm literally not needed in this podcast session. This is great. I'll go through and see. Oh, thank you very much. Oh, hey. Hey, little one.

Sexy little bitty one. How you doing? I'm the soda jerk. I've never seen anyone struggle so much in my life. Oh, that had five minutes that have been so painful. It's like when you see a really poor one-man show on Broadway.

Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. I remember the old man down the street. He's reminding me of this show I saw called Pigeon Man. It was this one-man show about this guy. Anyway, let's get on with it. Now I want to know what Pigeon Man's about. It's this guy who goes mad because he keeps pigeons,

but it was like a one-man play. So bad. Like my dad used to say, you gotta grow up. Oh, that old guy. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, that is the new take on the soda jerk, everybody. I hope you liked it.

It's an Elvis thing. Someone, I don't remember who, sorry, suggested on Twitter that he should be the soda jerk. And so... Yeah. No, it wasn't very strong. It's awesome.

But we're going to go with it. You didn't even quote any of his songs. I tried. Didn't you say Bebopalula? No, I said Itty Little Pretty One. Itty Little Pretty Pretty One. That's not one of his, is it? No.

No, okay. So, but let's get on with it now, Paul. See, what I was thinking of doing, you fuckwit, is if we kill both characters off, then I could be the urchin that replaces you and you can be the thing that replaces the old man alright we'll have to do it next time

because the urchin has survived and it's now standing in the and it's left you doing two characters at once yeah

right but not now because we're stepping back we're taking over the spirit to these characters and we're going to

taste some soft drinks right here we go on this very hot day Paul I've got my beautiful ice box the problem with that has been rectified. You'll be glad to hear.

So you were right. It was just because it was new. It was a bit weird. Yeah, it had a weird taste, the ice, but I've given it proper, you know. Oh, the sirens are out tonight. It's because it's so hot. This icebox by Oxo. What are you saying?

Like the clanker man? Add sounds like that to the atmosphere on a hot day to make you feel like it's a hot day. He would, wouldn't he? That's a good point, though, isn't it? He could have sort of just a machine that makes a siren noise. There you go. That's your sequel idea, isn't it?

Clankerman in the summer. Summerman. I'd rather do Clankerman does Vegas. Yeah. Christmas with Clankerman. With Pamela Anderson. Oh, yeah. So, got some ice here, Paul.

Right. Because these drinks have not been refrigerated, but the ice should help with that. Yes, that'll be fine. It'll certainly make it more palatable. I'll just have this to start with, a couple of each. And I did pick up some interesting ones. I went back to the shop that I bought the Limca toilet water from.

Oh, God, yeah. That was awful. But that must be like a sort of people who grew up in peru which is that's what they got and so it really is very nostalgic for people in the same way maybe we think about panda pops it must be something like that maybe because it really terrible artificial taste on that so i don't know where to start here should we start with something familiar yeah fanta yeah we've got some Fanta things, haven't we?

We've got three Fantas to taste. So should we do them all in one go? Yeah. Let's start yours. Okay. So this Fanta was given to me during Digitizer Live.

It was in a box. I can't remember who gave it to me now, so I do apologise. But if you gave me the Fanta strawberry, thank you. We're about to test it now.

It's a bottle. It's a bottle, which is nice. I like a bottle. Why is it, do you think, I feel that soda tastes better from a bottle. It's a bottle, which is nice. I like a bottle. Why is it, do you think, I feel that soda tastes better from a bottle? Yes, I agree.

It must just be to do with the texture of the glass on your mouth. Yeah. I'm pretty sure there might be research about this somewhere. It seems like the kind of thing...

It's one of those somatic things. It's similar to the fact that if you eat yoghurt with a plastic spoon and then eat the same yoghurt with a metal spoon, you're going to rate the second yoghurt, even though it's the same yoghurt metal spoon you're going to rate the second yogurt

even though it's the same yogurt as creamier. Oh! Do you see what I mean? It's all these associations with the sort of implements that we eat stuff from.

When I was in LA and I went to the Ghostbusters fan fest I bought this metal tankard at this store called Wild Bill's Soda Fountain.

And so the idea was you buy a $15 steel, you know, metal tank of cup. Yeah. But then you get full refills throughout the whole day. You did it. Did you do this?

Wow. So I got this cup. Well, did they have fancy soda? They had like, you know, root beer and stuff like that. But they also had like dark cherry soda and strawberries and cream.

Like that. It was fucking gorgeous. Anyway, I was refilling all day. It was lovely. Anyway, I've got the cup. I brought it home, obviously, because I bought it.

But I have noticed that when I drink drinks out of it, it's more satisfying to drink it out of that metal cup. I'll put some ice in, cordial, some fizzy water. Whoa, refreshing. It definitely affects the enjoyment of these things. It's like when I was in school. When we had hot drinks at winter, they'd always serve the hot chocolate in a metal beaker.

Right. And so that's a thought very ingrained in my head. You associate it with comfort. I don't know. There's something about a bottle of Coke. You used to get them in restaurants. Like if you went for a curry or a pizza or something, you'd get a bottle, maybe with a lemon.

Oh, you're all strawing. Anyway. I'm thirsty as fuck now talking about this. I'm going to get the huff on our first drink here on the soda jerk. This is the Fanta strawberry. That is a very generic strawberry flavour. It is indeed. So I'm just going to pour a little bit, not too much.

There we go. A little bit for me, please. There you go, dear. Now, Fanta recently have gone mad, and we did taste the Chakota flavour, which I think is a sort of hibiscus, isn't it? Yes, something like that. I've got something similar today coming up. But it just tasted like kind of cloudy lemonade.

It had a slight sort of elderflower-y sort of tinge. It wasn't too bad. No, it was quite nice. It would have been better cold. Now, this really smells like panda pop. I was going to say the exact same thing, but let's try it. Wow. Wow. Oh.

It doesn't taste refreshing. It's very, very sweet. It's syrupy. It's syrupy. Yeah. But is that because it's foreign? I think that's sort of like more of a foreign country. I imagine the Fanta that they'd sell in this market, Strawberry, would have more of an astringent tang to it.

Do you know what I mean? It's got Arabian writing on it, but I obviously couldn't tell you any more than that. The hotter the country, the more sugary these drinks tend to be. Do you know that? The more sweet. That's because you've had this whole thing

with Mexican Coke. People are importing it from Mexico because they use cane sugar. Yeah, that's right. And it's sweet, but they use more of it. There's more sugar. Because all they stick in it now is aspartame, which is horrible. It makes everything taste like it's got sweetness in they use more of it. There's more sugar. Because all they stick in it now is aspartame, which is horrible.

It makes everything taste like it's got sweeteners in. It's why Coke panicked when it was like, oh, we're taking all the sugar out because of the tax. So to compensate, we will do peach and banana. And they've got mango vanilla now. I could have told you when you wrote down the words mango vanilla that that's not going to work as a Coke version. And it's going to be shit anyway,

because it still tastes fundamentally horrible because of the sweetener. Next. Oh, I nearly got that. Do you know which one it is? Grape. No. Yes, it is. What does that word say?

What does it say on this Fanta can? Madness. Madness. Kusuk distruglgugl. It's madness fruit. Kum aromi natural. It is madness fruit, mate. There's no such thing as madness fruit.

I don't know what this is, but I'm pretty sure... It's grape. Why does it say madness on it, then? Because maybe when it's translated, it's like... It would be like us saying groovy grape flavour. All right, whatever. It's a different... And it's got a picture of grapes on it.

It does, but they might be madness berries. There's no such thing as madness berries! Right, Paul. Why do you gummy build if they had madness berries? How would you describe the shape of this can? This isn't your standard 333 millilitre. No, it's more reminiscent of a Red Bull can shape. It is. It's a Red Bull can shape. An energy drink. Like the Coke

tins these days. Like Coke tins these days. But that's better, because it's less, isn't it? It's less than a standard Coke can used to be. That's just about enough Coke for me, though. You don't need a lot, you know what I mean? But I do buy two. Yeah, alright. You're mad for soda, you are. So this is Fanta. Madness.

I'm hoping it's not grape. But Fanta are really spearheading this huge expansion in the flavours of things. And drinks have really affected. Think about, even 15 years ago in this country, you could not get all the different flavours. Coke, lemonade, ginger beer. No, what?

Iron brew. Yeah. And then all the cherry-ade, lemonade, pineapple-ade. Lucas-ade had two flavours, was the orange and the sport. But this goes back to what I told you a while ago. It's like they were trying to perfect the best ragout. So they brought this expert in and he went,

well, you can't perfect one great brand and sell it. You've got to have many, many brands. So that's why they had ragout with mushrooms or rag have many, many brands. So that's why they had ragout with mushrooms or ragout with chili. Okay. So that's how they increased their sales

by offering variety rather than a prime product to sell. But that seems to be have taken over now. That's what they do in drinks, I quite like it because it means you get to taste

lots of different flavoured things. It smells like grape. This is grape. Madness is grape. It does smell weirdly like oldie timey kind of 80s soft drink. That's the grape flavour. That's why grape is magical because it has

that 80s American flavour. It's reminding me for some reason of going to Butlins. Don't know why. I love a grape soda mate. It's alright. I'm not a huge fan of grape as a flavour when it comes to stuff like this. No you've said this but that's nice

it's nice, very nice it doesn't taste overly sweet compared to the strawberry it's a lot more balanced in terms of the sweetness isn't it, do you know what I mean the huff was a lot less, it's a lot less chemically it's got that nice grapey aftertaste so it's

not too bad at all now let's have something a bit unusual Paul yeah is it a sausage say what you see here ah oh ah

no I ah oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh producer run it oh oh no what was that

catchphrase you had from the last week's show I don't know he was like producer okay no stop saying that tell everyone

what I've just handed you so I mentioned this a little while ago but basically there are things called Coca-Cola signature mixes did you mention this on Cheap Show

yeah I think it was even last week okay because I said I saw these on Asda. But obviously you didn't get it. So it's basically Cokes with a flavour to them, which are specifically, I think, for mixing with cocktails, potentially.

Yeah, so basically with whiskey is what Coke goes with. So this is batch number 10, and it's got smoky notes. There were two there, co-created by Max Venning, master mixologist. And there's also Yang Yang, or this is what's in it, Yang Yang,

Ambrezid, Peru Balsam, Oak Extract, and Guiacalwood. I'm just trying, there were two different types of that. I can't remember what the other one was, but it says here,

co-created with leading mixologist. Spicy? Maybe smoky, and there's a spicy one, sort of, or... I'm pretty sure there's a kind of lime one, or there's a spicy one sort of I'm pretty sure there's a kind of lime one or there's a bitter one

It says to mix with premium dark spirits Yeah, any dark spirit So does this mean you shouldn't really drink it like this? Well, we're gonna do I mean, we're gonna

We're gonna It might be nice It might be a more sophisticated sort of soft drink experience We drank dog beer so it can't be worse than that

Now this is in a kind of old timetimey design. It's got medicine bottles. I quite like the design. And even though they are a big, horrible corporation, I kind of like this kind of thing that they, you know, they're sort of using their history as a sort of tonic. Yeah, like a snake oil salesman kind of thing.

What's the half line? It's a bit medicine-y, but it is smoky. That's quite striking, isn't it? Yeah. Very medicinal. And it's got a smoky, definitely a smokiness to it. Yeah. That's strange.

It's very medicinal, man. Yeah. But again, dark spirits like a rum. Are you ready for some of this? Yeah, just put a tiny bit in because I think it's going to be quite... Oh, it's got fizz. I thought it was going to be flat. Yeah, it's a mixer drink.

But I don't know. I thought it was going to be flat for some reason. Like sy fizz. I thought it was going to be flat. Yeah, it's a mixer drink. But I don't know. I thought it was going to be flat for some reason. Like syrupy. No, it mixes. It's for your ultimate... It's got a bit kind of a root beer-y thing when you think about it. Let's go. Oh, yeah.

It's very... It's closer to root beer than cola, isn't it? Definitely. For me, it's got a weird... It's got a smokiness to it. ...feeling of like dentist's offices. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

It's that sarsaparilla. Yeah, it's that toothpaste-y sort of, yeah. You know when they ask you to wash your mouth out with that stuff? Yeah. It's like a sweet that. It's still quite balanced, isn't it? It's not overpowering that.

I would like to try that now with some rum or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. That's nice. Can I ask how much that was? Because I know these are going to be quite cheap. I think this was about 120 or 130.

It's a bit costly for what it is, but it's a, thing specifically made for... It's a bespoke mixer coat. Interesting. Yeah. I would like to try that with a mixer. What's your favourite so far from the soda fountain? I'm just going to recap that.

Yeah, recap it. Not like, tell us about it again. I think the weakest so far is the strawberry, isn't it? I was going to pick that. Yeah, recap it. Not like, tell us about it again. Ha ha ha ha. Right. I think the weakest so far is the strawberry, isn't it? I was going to pick the grape so far,

but I found the Coke mixer interesting. It's definitely not disgusting like the Coke, those new Coke flavours like vanilla mango or whatever. But it's not the kind of drink that you can just drink,

I think, that. You wouldn't... I don't know. I guess you could drink it if you wanted if you were thirsty but it feels a bit rich I might

I like a sort of more more flavourful coke yeah so yeah I might

I do quite like that and Gusto I've mentioned before which I'd like you to taste one time on one of these Gusto Cola yeah which has that kind of

alright well if you get it now let's go to the first of our rubicon drinks for today paul this is a whole new range of rubicon now what do you know rubicon as a brand for are they the people who make uh like the drink i like the pomegranate yes and the guava and passion fruit so they're basically known here as making still carton based uh fruit juices with uh exotic fruit and they're really nice flavors i find i mean seriously i think their pomegranate rubicon is one of my you love that yeah top three drinks i think on a hot day i love the passion fruit myself the lychee though is almost undrinkable. Yeah, it's got that. It's way too sweet. Now, they've come out, Paul, with a whole new range,

and I'm going to hand you one here. Oh. Have a look at that. Rubicon Street Drinks. This is Mexican-inspired agua fresca. Watermelon, lime, and mint. Still. What do you mean it was always like that?

Da-da-da-da-da-da. Because it said still. Yeah. Imagine the joke I could have made if it said from concentrate. Da-da-da-da-da-da. What would you have done if it said still. Yeah. Imagine the joke I could have made if it said from concentrate. What would you have done if it said from concentrate? I'm thinking about it. Oh, fuck off. Stop making that.

So, yeah, it's a still drink. So, I guess still drinks are what? Like the kind of drinks you'd see in a picture? Oh, it's still. Yeah, it wasn't just a shit joke. It was. I did not realise that. Yeah, it wasn't just a shit joke. It was. I did not realise that. So this is a still drink.

So can it be in the soda jerk section of the show? There's no froth to it. Well, you know, I'll think about that next time. Yeah, because we are rebooting this segment. These are Rubicon street drinks. That's the range. And my question to you was,

does that mean the drinks they're making are a range of drinks that you might see maybe in a picture if you're walking through a market in the area? In a particular location. I think then they're going for the country. So this is Mexican-inspired. Yeah.

Agrafresco, watermelon, lime and mint. Yeah. And the other one I have... Oh, there's a microphone. The other one I have, Paul... Yeah. Oh, you have two., is Shabat, Turkish-inspired,

pomegranate and rose. You know, you might like that one. But rose is a funny fucker. Do you remember when we drank that bar dry of tequila when we were at the Edinburgh Festival? Right. And so when we came in, tequila, and we've gotten on,

how about some rose vodka? And we had that. Yeah, and it was not good. And I think that was the day I puked my guts up. And Graham stood over me laughing. So it's not a flavour that you associate with the good times? No. Which of these do you want to start with then?

I'll start with Shabbat. Unusual for a soft drink to be in this can. This is a classic 330ml sort of Coke can. But it is flat. Is Orangina flat? No. What's the orange drink? It's Pellegrino.

Is that flat? No. Or is that lightly sparkling? That's sparkling. What's your smell of your Charbat? What's the half on the Charbat? It doesn't really smell like... It doesn't really smell like...

Rose? Pomegranate or rose. Well, it smells just... Give me something. Just bananary almost. Okay. What about yours? I'm getting a strong mint from this.

Oh. Well, let's have a little taste, then we can swap. Okay. Here we go. What's the colour on the char back? Very red on your char back there. Yeah, it's almost kind of a blood orange. There was another one.

I don't know what country it was inspired by, but it had cumin in it. Oh, I've been cumin in it. There's been quite spicy. I don't want anything with cumin in it. Stop doing it. You know what? I find that amusing when you do that thing.

The pop. It's only the pop. The pop makes it work. The pop makes it pop. Come on, get your gums around the shabat. I don't know if I like that. Describe the ways you don't like it. There's a floral-ness coming through it.

That's the rose. Kind of makes it feel like you're drinking potpourri. Okay, yeah. That's the rose. And there's a little bit of pomegranate in there, but it's overpowered by the otherworldliness of the other flavour. And how is the sweetness level? Too low for you?

No, it's sweet in the same way most drinks of Aspium and Canna are sweet these days. It's that syrup. Oh, this wasn't like that at all. It has got sweetener in it. Has it? Sugars and sweeteners, but it doesn't say what. The Charbat, that's the Charbat you're describing. Yeah.

How was yours quite nice agua fresca so this wasn't very sweet it has a very wateriness almost to it watermelon lime and mint the mint again

is quite strong see what you think but it didn't have a it has a sort of it's not as not as sweet as these drinks tend to be

that's sweet enough but I don't know it's funny see this is that this is a much more successful drink you think so because Tend to be. That's sweet enough, but I don't know. It's funny. See, this is a much more successful drink. You think so? Because he's on the watermelon now. When you said watermelon, lime and mint,

I kind of imagined what it tasted like. And it tasted like that. And I thought, ooh, Pimsy. Yeah. It's got a Pimsy thing going on. It definitely does. You could maybe have it with Pimsy. You could. That's definitely the nicer one, I think.

You're right, the watermelon. What did you think of her? Shabbat. Again, just not really working. It's kind of sweet in an off-putting way. Yeah. And it's that the rose, just not into that. Not into that.

And the pomegranate. I don't know. It's not that. It's not unpleasant. It's just not. I don't think it's satisfying. Not for you. Yeah.

Not for you. Now. How many more? I'm feeling a bit blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Maybe we should go back to the soda jerk

and he'll tell us how many more he's got. Oh, yeah. I've been jerking my soda. Jerk my soda tonight. Sweet mama. Oh, hey. Hey, little kid.

Oh, hello. Hey, little urchin. Hey. Oh, I've come to look for kid. Oh, hello. Hi, little urchin, hey. Oh, I've come to look for soda. No, you've been tasting them already, son. Have I? Yes, to fucking catch up with the fucking what's going on in the sand. Oh, what? I blacked out and now there's all these drinks in front of me. All right, so what did you think of the...

I don't know, I blacked out. This is frightening. Where am I? You're in the soda jug, son. What's going on? Where's my mum? At the back the soda jug, son. What's going on? Where's my mum? At the back of the froth shop. What's going on? You haven't got a mum. You're not playing this character very well, Paul.

No, you're not playing that character very well. Well, at least it's not a character that I've developed. Why can't we just do things without characters? Paul? Can't we just do a segment without characters? Can't we just say, in this section, we're drinking cheap drinks? Well, that's what we are doing. And I tire of it.

What? So I'm handing you another Fanta. Oh, why are you saving that Fanta till now? Look at it. Dragonata. I imagine it, from basically looking at it, it looks like what? Passion fruit, mango, orange. From the drawings? No, but dragon, that's dragon fruit.

Have you not heard of dragon fruit? dragon fruit have you not heard of dragon fruit no I haven't heard of dragon fruit that's what this is yeah dragon fruit yeah you're not making that up then no that has a distinct smell of dragon fruit like when you thought there was a madness berry

dragon fruits and madness berries no but this there is hey man this is my new album yeah it's called dragon dragon fruit and madness berries yeah what's it about though what's the theme well you know it's about like the way Britain's kind kind of going over the precipice okay when you dystopian

future that you know what's hot right now is cheese so i want some cheese flavored i can only eat vegan cheese though okay fine okay so how's that work then because well just i just give me something hey man i just don't want to work with a pro cheese of gender on my channel. It's not pro cheese yet. It's cheese neutral. I can't have any dairy in my life right now. Oh, you're not getting a record deal, okay? Well, no. I don't need a record deal because it's totally selling out, man.

So whatever. I don't mind. I'll just carry on doing my theatre. We weren't doing characters and now you've gone into a whole thing. Yeah, but I'm going to be doing End of the Road Festival next week. It's important that I'm in a more creative mood. So yeah, I'm going to be doing a few new tracks. Okay, just to say, just to let you know though.

Madness Berries and Dragon Fruit. Thank you, thank you. So yeah, whatever. Yes, thank you. I'm going to get on my electric scooter now. We are not interested unless there is cheese involved. I can bend on the cheese. Oh, I can bend you on my cheese.

Get the cheese in! Right. Oh, it's straight. It's a very golden colour. It's like a kind of lager. This is dragon fruit Fanta that we're onto now, Paul. It's funny almost. It looks like lager.

Yes, very yellow. Oh. Almost. Oh, I like the smell. Oh, let's go. Oh, it's like a mixture of coconut and... It's like a Caribbean holiday in your mouth. Ah, it's a party in my mouth and there's limbo dancers who haven't wiped their bum properly.

He's thrown his hands up in despair, ladies and gentlemen. There is everything going on in that drink. There's the passion fruit, the mango. But do you know what's that mixture? It's like pineapple and coconut. Well, there's no pineapple. I think that's the mango and the orange and the passion fruit all colliding. You know like when you mix a bit of red and you mix a bit of blue and you get purple?

I think that coconut flavour comes from the mixture of those flavours. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah, I like it. Not unpleasant. No, I like it, actually. It's interesting. Yeah, I like it. Not unpleasant. No, I like it, actually. It's quite nice on a hot day. Very tropical tasting.

Again, a bit too sweet for me. So far, weirdly, actually, I've found the Coca-Cola thing and the Fanta thing my favourite. And the grape. Yeah, the grape Fanta. Yeah. Because they're just the right amount of the flavour needed. This is Signature Mixers is the Coke one.

Yeah, that's what I said about 15 minutes ago. Okay. Master mixologist. It's Coke... Oh God, we have to stop this section. Right, no, we're at... We're almost at the end, Paul. Right. This was my favourite item. Oh, we're at the very end,

ladies and gentlemen. What about the Iron Brew? We'll quickly throw that in. Let's do that now. So, after the show, we saw Rhiannon, the keeper of cheap. Oh, God, I've got drank. Do you think she could be the keeper of cheese as well? No, she's not involved with cheese. Well. No, it's not a cheese-based podcast.

It could be, though, couldn't it? Oh, God. Right. Cheese shop. Anyway, she came to see Digitized Lives, gave me a little bag of Scottish stuff. We'll do the rest of it another day, but I wanted to bring,

for the soda jerk, Iron Brew Energy. Oh, what do you got there? I didn't see any. So it's Iron Brew, a famous Scottish bubblegum-flavoured orange drink

with energy in. Now, as I said to you last time, the Coke's done this. You know the Coke's done an energy drink and it tastes like fucking rotted shit.

Oh, we need to get that on the show. Oh, we do. Is it bad? Yeah, I hate it. So it's the Coke's done this. You know the Coke's done an energy drink, and it tastes like fucking rotted shit. Oh, we need to get that on the show. Oh, we do. Is it bad? Yeah, I hated it. So it's the taurine taste. I just found it didn't taste like good Coke, didn't taste like good energy drink. It tastes like bad both. Now, has this got taurine added, or is it just high caffeine?

No, I'd imagine. It says... 0.4% taurine. Sparkling mixed flavour energy drink with added taurine, caffeine and vitamins. So they've definitely gone full energy drink. Full Red Bull. They've Red Bull-ised it up. It smells like iron brew.

Or if you're a chav, WKD. Fucking plebs. I'm going to take a sip. That's quite nice. Yeah, it tastes like iron brew, doesn't it? But it has that energy drink aftertaste. Sort of, but not... But it's not unpleasant.

It's not too strong. It goes together quite well. Actually, I was surprised. I thought it was going to be awful, and that's quite nice. But do you think, because there was a big outrage, because of the sugar tax or whatever, they've made iron brew... Again, they've changed the recipe. They've changed the recipe.

It's aspartame or whatever it's called again. Aspartame. Yeah. Do you think they've maybe released this energy as a sort of more like the old one used to be? More hardcore, more sugary? Well, I don't know because again, a lot of people who probably can't drink that asputine stuff

probably can't drink energy drinks. They're probably very sensitive to things like taurine or whatever. That works well. That's nice, Sam. It is, isn't it? How surprising. Yeah. Well, we found a new favourite energy drink. Thank you, Rhiannon. That gets a thumbs up. That's good. You don't see it in the shops down in London, do you?

No. That would be trying the new Coke on Digitizer. Yeah. What do you mean new Coke? There's a new Coke? No. In the 80s, remember they brought out new Coke because they panicked about their sales.

It's hard to come by now, that stuff. Well, they re-released it because of Stranger Things. So for a limited time, you can buy new Coke. Old, new Coke. Old, new Coke from the 80s. New, old, new Coke.

What else got made? So Larry bought a crate of it and inside you get a bottle of Coke, a bottle of Coke Zero and a tin of new Coke designed like they had the tins in the 80s, right?

And it's the same recipe, they say. Apparently. Excuse me. But long story short, it tastes of Pepsi. Ah, that's what they were doing at the time. They were trying to compete with Pepsi. Yeah.

Because they were under the misapprehension. That Pepsi was a more popular drink. But only because it won the taste test. It was just good marketing on Pepsi's department. But also, you've heard that there was the whole taste test thing. So people would rate Pepsi higher. But they'd rate it higher because they'd have one sip. And the first sip of Pepsi is pleasant, isn't it?

I've told you this. I know. This is important cheap show law. Yes, you're right. I've never heard that fact before. I'm just saying. God, the ice cubes have almost melted. It's fucking hot in here.

It's really hot, yeah. But we're almost at the end of our journey through how many... hot it's really hot yeah but we're almost at the end of our journey through how many let's have a little recap before we do the last one we start I would like a sort of

score for you from you out of five for all of these as well okay so I'm going to do it we started with the foreign we think maybe

Arabic Fanta strawberry bottle strawberry I'm going to give that three out of five I'll give it a two. I didn't like it.

Okay. Very cheap. Oversweet, syrupy. Grape. Grape Fanta in a Red Bull-style can with the word madness instead of grape. I'm going to give that four. I like a four. That's a good grape soda.

It's nice. Very tasty. Next we have... Then we make on to this special edition... Paul, why don't you describe what we drank? Oh, wait. Don't. I'll do it. All right. Sorry, Paul. No, no. Yes. Very tasty. Next we have... Then we went on to this special edition... Paul, why don't you describe what we drank? Oh, wait, don't. I'll do it. All right, sorry, Paul.

No, no, go on, then. Then we moved on, Paul, to the signature mixer, limited edition Coca-Cola bottle, old school, and we had a smoky one, although there is a spicy one and you think there's a sort of citrusy one. It just says, number one, smoky notes. That's all I know. Yeah.

My name is Smoky Notes no please honestly don't i'm here to sing love songs oh my love for your thighs your big brown eyes and your tits and your t your dress. I love your hair. I love the way you never swear, but I love your tits. Okay, yeah. I love your tits. I'm liking what I hear. I pretend to listen to you when you go off on one about your favourite programme on Sky One, but no matter

what they say, you'll never go away because I simply love your tits. I really mean it. I really love your tits. Smokey, can you involve cheese? Yes, I can work cheese into my ass. Cheesy tits, cheesy tits.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I don't work with a fucking dot. Oi, oi, oi, I am Techno Dutchman. Cheesy, cheesy, cheese. Yes, cheesy. Yes, cheesy. Right, so anyway. What did you say?

Smokey what? Smokey notes. Hello, I'm Smokey Notes. Can you be Cheesy Notes? No. It's a family tradition. I'm proud of me name. So, the signature Coca-Cola,

mark out of five, please. Oh, four again. I liked it. I liked it. I'd like to try it with a drink. Oh, four again. I liked it. I liked it. I'd like to try it with a drink. With a dark spirit. Yes.

I bet it goes really well. You didn't rate it. I would say three and a half for that. Okay. Next, we have the street drinks. Rubicon street drinks. Strangely, it's still drinks from Rubicon. Each one based on a different part of the world and what they're sort of heard. It's a spice or a

herb that they've added so i'm just going to go ahead and say the mexican aqua fresca that's going to get a 3.5 and the barat shabbat sorry is going to get a two i would agree with those scores yeah then we moved on to our second fan our third fantaanta Dragon Fruit Dragon Fruit Fanta I liked yes I liked that it's a very fun and frothy drink very summery

very tropical lovely I'd say 4 solid 4 for me 3.5 for me but only because I'm not a huge fan of that

kind of coconutty aftertaste it reminds me of Malibu and I hate Malibu and then we had a very Scottish thing from Rihanna

the Head Cheapskate. Yeah, which is the Iron Brew energy drink. And against all the odds, it was a hit. I'd say 3.5. Yes, I will say 4. Are you ready for the last soda from the soda joke? Not only am I ready, but I'm bored of this segment. So I want this to finish. All right. Moody. Hello, I'm bored of this segment. So I want this to finish.

All right. Moody. Hello, I'm moody. No. Say what you see, Paul. Moody notes. Oh, well, shit me tits. Oh, it's Dr. Pepper.

Dark Berry. Spider-Man Far From Home. Oh, it's got a picture of London, England and Mysterio on it. So this is a tie-in, I'd imagine. No, I don't, no. I think that's just the promotion that they happened to have on the can at the time. Fine. But the actual, of interest to me, was the Dark Berry.

And if you can see in blue on blue, it says limited edition up here. So this is a limited edition Dr. Pepper flavor. That's exciting. And you and me, we're both big fans of the less usual Dr Pepper, the Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. It is very nice. Which is at the tip of most top of soda, soft drink. It's a very good one.

It's the highest jerk you can give. It's a good old jerk. It's a hard jerk. It's a hard jerk. Would you want some more ice? It's a firm fist around your shaft, grabbing the throbbing member and pushing semen out into the world.

What am I talking about? I was too busy watching the ice and then I just realised I'm just describing ejaculation. Are you? Well, that's... Anyway, open it. Are you ready for this?

Yeah. Dark berry. That's good. Honestly. It smells of Dr Pepper. But it's got a cherry smack. Oh, you're spilling it. You wouldn't be a very good mixologist.

You haven't even sniffed it. It just went straight in. Oh, it smells of Dr Pepper. You did say. What do you think of that? Taste of Dr Pepper, doesn't it? I thought it would be

more cherrier. Yeah, or more berry-er. Or more terrier. Or more harrier, jump jet. Or more gerrier.

It's quite subtle. It's nice, you're right, and it's subtle, but it does have a berry finish. It tastes like normal Dr Pepper at the front,

and then at the end you get a kind of berry finish. It tastes like normal Dr Pepper at the front, and then at the end, you get a kind of berry finish. Yeah. You know. That joke. Yeah. I like it. I like it. I'll give that 3.5.

Yeah. I'll give it 3.5. In fact, my favourite is probably... Oh, this is going to be quite controversial. Of all of them. Quite controversial. I'm going to say the Iron Brew. Well, there you controversial. Of all of them? Quite controversial. I'm going to say the Iron Brew. Well, there you go.

You like the Iron Brew energy drink. Even though I rated the Fanta higher, it's just like I'd probably more likely buy this if I saw it again than I would the Fanta because I'm just not a huge grape person. I like the Dr. Pepper. I'm a big fan of Dr. Pepper. I rate the Fanta on if it achieves its goal, and it does. What do you mean? Well, like he says, it's Fanta, and it's a great drink, and is it a good Fanta grape

drink? And yes, it is. Yes, it's a good drink. Whereas I don't really like grape drink? And yes, it is. Yes, it's a good drink. Whereas I don't really like grape drinks. So overall, I'm going to pick the energy drink. Well, Iron Brew, because I prefer the flavour of Iron Brew. Yeah, that's fine. I like that Dr Pepper a lot.

Why is it called Iron Brew, but it's I-R-N? B-R-U? Is it... Why? It's the way they spelt it. I don't know. Is it because Scots people don't know how to spell? It's not a race thing

With We're gonna call this thing Avery How do you spell that Avery How do you spell that Avery Maybe it is that

Maybe it's sort of Meant to Phonetically How does it spell It's like I say Avery Yeah I think that's what it is

It's Avery I think it's It's meant to be a phonetic Reflection It's my new character Avery No Does he do anything else Right let's end this segment Ho ho ho It is, yeah. It's Iambri. I think it's meant to be a phonetic reflection. It's my new character, Iambri. No. Does he do anything else?

Right, let's end this segment. Ho, ho, ho. I'm a ho-ha, my soul a-joker. You're not cut. Ho, ho, ho, my soul a-joker. Ho, my baby, my baby. Do you like my cream? I like your...

Thanks, mister. I've got to go now. I've got some matches to pick up. I'm going to sell some papers and stuff. Ho, ho, ho, little boy. Ho, ho, ho. Nice to see you. Ho, ho, thank you very much.

Okay, thank you very much. Thank you very much for coming. Bye then. You can take any one of these home. Ho, ho. I to see you. Uh-huh. Thank you very much. Okay, thank you very much. Thank you very much for coming. Bye then. You can take any one of these home. Uh-huh. I think I'll take the Dr. Pepper. Uh-huh. You can take it.

Uh-huh. Sweet child. Okay, bye. But be careful. Don't want to shake it up. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I better lock up or something.

Bye, Mr. Soda Jerk. Uh-huh. I better go, but it's a bit lonely in here with what we've got and dead hello little boy if you're listening to this message that means I'm dead I have rigged this place

to explode oh no in ten seconds ten nine if I can't have my thrott shop nobody can have my thrott shop there's the door again

it's dark in here one Paul yeah I've got an idea for the jingle okay I'm stuck in here. One. Paul? Yeah? I've got an idea for the jingle. Mm-hmm. Okay?

I want you to be just like a streetwise... I'll describe the character to you, okay? Yeah. You're a streetwise guy. Yeah. But you're a bit out of your depth. You're on the street. Okay. You're in a strange neighbourhood.

I'm trying to think of the character. All right. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I got it. No, he's British. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Do it. Do it with to think of the character. All right. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I got it. No, he's British. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Do it. Do it with a British accent.

Okay. Go blind me, governor. But there's something I want you to say. I'll do it. I'll do it. So you're sort of going, oh, you're a bit out of your depth. And you say, oh, oh. And you see something.

Oh, I see something. And you say, what's this? What? Okay, so here you go. Start again. I don't know how I got here, but I'm on the wrong side of town. I'm on the bad side of the tracks.

I got to do it. I got to figure out where to go. What does my eye see? Why? What is this? It's fucking price of shot. No. Just no.

No. What do you mean no? No. You did it wrong. That's why it's not working. No, I didn't like it. I'll do the whole lot. I'm going to do the whole lot.

Here we go. Hey, what's this? It's the fucking Price is Shite. And what's this? It's the fucking Price is Shite. But what's this? It's the fucking Price is Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price is Shite. And that's right. Now I see what you of shine. Oh, it's the fucking price of shine.

And that's right. Now I see what you were doing. I get it. You see? I didn't know it was a call and response thing. Get it in the rhythm. Get it in the groove. Oh, I see.

We should have talked about this beforehand. Well, it's the process. People love the ripped backsides of the podcast. Yeah, there's a lot of backsides of this podcast. Wait. Before we begin, digitize the show. Lots of people giving us lots of lovely stuff.

We'll get to some of that in future episodes because we've got a shitload to get through now. But Chai did give me a bag that I think was just for you because let's have a look inside. Get the bag out. What's this? Hand me them one after another. No, here we go. Oh, Gujarati mix. Gujarati mix.

That's some... Oh, look, it's got banana in it. What's that? Hot Bombay mix. What's that? It's a noodle. Coley Go Noodles. Stop throwing them at me.

It's another noodle. How about that one? Look, you're going to spill everything. Let's catch it then. Noodle, noodle. Fuck you. Noodle. You're ruining this for me now.

Noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle, noodle. Get this in noodles. It's some Shangri-La. I've in noodles. There's some Shangri-La. I've never seen that flavour before. Shangri-La, mate. A Viffon. Oh, it's chicken flavour. Viffon Smack Chinksky.

Okay. Which I think is Chinese food, it means. Does it? Yeah, Polish. Smack is food. Lagondnia. What else we got here? Oh, a Maggie Fusion

Heisung duck. Now that is an interesting one that I want to taste. Oh, there we go. Next. Another Vifon one. Smack. My bitch.

Wollowinzy Zicari Picantini. Spicy curry flavour. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amino. So these are Polish noodles. Amino. Remember amino?

They did my favourite flavour which is the... Cheese one. No, the... Oh. The gherkin flavoured one. Oh, well, no. Amino, they did the gherkin flavoured, pickle flavoured noodle.

Could you get more? More brand than that. This is their fasoloa, which is bacon and beans flavoured. Oh, okay. This is a bacon and beans flavoured noodle. See, that's what I like about and find interesting about these Eastern European ones, because they really try and use the dishes that are local to the region and make them the noodles, rather than just going for a generic sort of Chinese flavour.

Yeah, like trying to mock a flavour. Not mock it, you know, mock as in mock turtle, mock, mock, mock. Yeah. Mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock, mock. And then we have Coley, who do decent, one-packer sort of decks with pot noodle. Yeah. Go noodles, because you have them on the go. What's this one?

This is a Korean one, Shin Ramyun noodle soup. Very spicy. I've had this one before. Very nice. Okay. What else we got here? Oh, it's another amino one. Oh, it's their spicy one.

Yeah. And that'll be spicy not in a Far East way. No. But in a sort of Polish spice. So I think it's going to have a smoky kind of a paprika-y. Kind of chorizo-y kind of thing. Yeah, they use that kind of paprika smoked pepper. And one last amino, gochalka, which I have to say,

from the illustrations, looks like a chickpea-flavoured noodle. Interesting. Have a look. Yeah, chickpea, hummus. Also, just while we're on this, I've got another Maggie Fugian pasta oriental that my sister Jenny picked up for me on the continent. It's a curry-flavoured noodle,

which we'll be tasting at some point. Well, look, the country noodle kitchen looks well-stacked. It's an endless stock of noodles in the kitchen, we'll be tasting at some point. Well, look, the country noodle kitchen looks well stacked for future episodes. Mate, it's an endless stock of noodles in the kitchen, ready for the hard pimping. As I rub my pimping stick on their hard exterior, and then it gets all crushy-crushy, all the little crush. Look at his face when I start trying to do something.

You know what I mean? It's because everything with you is like, so, so, I'll get me a little knobby now and I'll rub it on the thing and floppy flop and muzzle nuzzle. It's like weird onomatopoeic molestation. That's what people like about the pod. Right.

One that I missed, there was a lot of noodles. Do you, listening, do you like that? Don't fucking bring this up. It's going to be like the source report again yeah I lost that battle too yes pick your battles Paul

I'll lose the battles mate but I'll ultimately win the war last one noodle soup champong and I like to get my little knob out and then rub your

rub your little champong rub it on there little champong right we'll say thank you thank you very much shall we get on with this week's edition of The Price is Shite? Now, we do many variations of The Price of Shite,

and basically it's a challenge where we see what we can find in charity shops for cheap, cheap prices, but the game is finding out how cheap they are. So what have you got for us this week? Well, Paul, we're going to play a popular um but uh unconventional version of the the price of shite we have several different formats we have many permutations um last time we did the rank me off episode you may have seen that which had a lot of items that just needed to rank in order i scored quite a lot on that yeah because i forgot that i shouldn't tell you the prices and then go what are the prices of this yeah when you leave the fucking

prices or tell them anyway we're going to do a format we've done a few times, the BFG format. Bought, found, given. Paul, notorious for cheating his arse off on this Christmas episode of this one, but we're going to push that under the... I don't cheat. I merely push at the boundaries of the rules. So, just to recap the rules of the BFG edition of The Price of Shire, if you're not aware,

three items, one I have bought. Bing! You need to guess which of my three items is the one I've bought. Bing! And as a little bonus

mini game on that, you can guess the price. And we revert to normal rules, 25p, either way, one point. If you get it on the nose, you get an extra two points it's

it's a big money game so the one that is bought yeah you could score up to three points on that item yeah see so that's the money item that's the money item there is also an item i have found and it doesn't include finding it in my hand after someone's given it to me or i found it in a shop and then i bought it because that would be fucking twisting the rules wouldn't it in a way that's unacceptable found it i found it fuck i found it right found which means i has to have been found literally on the street or somewhere else but found and then you only get one point on that if you discover that it is the found one. And also, one that's a gift, Paul. Something that was given genuinely to me.

Not in exchange for money, because that's not gift giving. No, that's called buying something. Yes, like, you agree now. So, are you ready to play the BFG edition? Let's do this. Here's your first item, Paul. Say what you see. I'm handing it to you now.

Well, it is Floor Master Lock Laminated Wood Installation Video presented by TV's Bob Gross. Do you remember Bob Gross? No. I've never heard of him until now. He must have been on Changing Rooms or something like that. Or maybe something like DIY SOS and fix your room. This is a VHS video. Paul,

what would you say about the condition of this video? It is very shabby. VHS is... Why? Why is it shabby? It's the opposite. It's not. It's mint on fucking cards, mate. It's hardly mint on cards. It's got the fucking thing where it hangs up on it. It's mint on cards. It doesn't mean that. It's got the hanging hook.

That means it's mint on cards. Say it's mint on it. It's mint on card. It doesn't mean that. It's got the hanging hook. That means it's mint on card. Say it's mint on card. Say to me now, this video is mint on card. There is no card in this item. All right. Yeah. That's where the argument falls down.

Yeah. So it is a VHS wrapped in a paper sleeve. It's not paper. It is. And it's in a plastic case surrounding it like which is the card

or mint on which I described it as so Floor Master Lock TV's Bob Gross takes you through a step by step guide to laying

beautiful Floor Master Lock laminated wood floor in your own home and Bob also contemplates his career choices bringing him to this decision to make this video.

No, he doesn't. He loves it. You can tell he's into it. He'll sell wood floor. I want to find out what Bob Gross has done. I'm sorry. You can't just put TV's Bob Gross on there and no backup.

I'm going to get it out of the cards. I don't want to spoil the value of this. Is it G-R-O-S-E for gross? Yes. It says D-I-Y-S-O-S. Oh, he was on that then. I am the principal builder for 13 years on the TV show D-I-Y-S-O-S. That's it. And I've appeared on

various TV and breakfast shows. I am now working on a brand new TV show. He last posted in 2012. Okay. And they're all Facebook posts as well and his last message is I can't believe I did that video

it's all over for me goodbye shut up now he's done a promotional video for obviously the money the money

and it's here and on the back he's there looking look here's a plank he put the plank down put the plank down knock it in knock it he put the plank down put the plank down knock it in knock it in

put the plank down knock it in repeat goodbye where's my money look at that look at what he's wearing builder shoes

but they're clean shoes never they've never been soiled by paint or dust so that's the first item Paul I'm not going to get you to guess whether it was

bought found or given now see on that it's interesting it's like the picture Given. Now. See on that it's interesting. It's like the picture

they've taken of him on the front cover looks like he's just buried a body in the living room and someone's walked in and went hey how you doing?

He's like knock knock no corpses. No corpses. There's no corpses. There's going to be a funny smell in a couple of weeks but that's

just the glue settling down. It's glue hardening. It smells like a rotting corpse, prostitute corpse. Yeah, and then I'll come back in a few weeks and I'll...

I'll dig it up again and I'll murder you in a drug frenzy when I feel guilty, you know. My bollocks aren't swollen enough for this life. You just tailed off completely there. Right, okay. Floor Master Lock LA.

That's our first item on the Price of Shite. Laminated wood video with TV's Bob Gross. Are you ready for the second item? I am. It's only this little small item, Paul. Hold out your hand. Close your eyes. Yeah, I like that.

There it is. Open them, say what you see. Oh, it's a little plastic dinosaur lizard or something, isn't it? It's quite interesting. It's got lizard-like features, dinosaur-like features, little babby-like features. Is it a little lizard? Is it a little gecko?

Is it a little dinosaur? Is it a little platypus? Well, I think it's meant to be a dinosaur because it's got a ridge. Yeah. It's not bad detailing for quite a short thing. It's a cute little thing. It's a green little dragon dinosaur monster little babby. Yeah.

Oh, not much to talk about, but there you go. That's the second item. That's nice, isn't it? It's small. And your third item. I wonder what it was from. I wonder if it was a kinder egg kind of thing. So what are your thoughts now?

I wonder if it's a kinder egg kind of thing. So which category would that come then? That might be bought because you'd buy the kinder egg. To get the toy out, yeah. It does look like a kinder toy. There's a number on the bottom and it says 237. That doesn't tell you anything.

It does. It tells me that this is 237 in line of the throne. Are you ready for the third item? I want you to hold your hand out and close your eyes. What are you doing? I just tickled his finger, ladies and gentlemen, with this third item.

Oh, that means you found this because you wanted me to touch it. It's a weird, it looks like a baby's bottle, but in the shape of a goldfish or something. Yep, that's exactly what it looks like. It's got a plastic rubber teat on the end, and the body of the bottle is an orange fish moulded in plastic. So it might have been a little baby juice bottle, something. But you found that because you wanted me to touch it with the mouth teat.

You know what? You shouldn't project your inherent cynicism and petty-mindedness onto me, Paul. I'm only cynical because I've done four years of this fucking podcast with you. I wouldn't pick up something that was been in shit or been in a baby's bum hole. No, you just found things that you found on two platforms that are edible and you've made me eat. I ate it as well. To be fair, I ate it as well. Crusty eye patch.

Yeah, had eye blood on it. Yeah. It was disgusting. Whatever. And it was only laying a little bit on the dog poo. It was only the tip of it. Not the fat end, but the thin end of the tie that was on the dog poo. Right, whatever. Was it dry? The dog poo was dry. I mean, it was dry,

but it was also a hot day. Right. That's your third item. I think it's for feeding fish. I still made you wear a tie. We're shit on. Doodah. Whatever, fish. I still made you wear it. I wish it on. Whatever, mate. How many points do you predict you're going to score? I think I'm going to do really badly today. But let's find out.

So a little recap of the three items. We had Bob Gross, Floor Master, LOC, Laminated Wood Installation Video. Yeah. Mint on card. Yeah. We have the little baby lizard kinder toy thing.

And we have the strange orange goldfish fish feeding device. Now, you know what's frustrating about this? Theoretically, any of these could be any of them. You could easily have found, bought, or been given any three of these. Are you saying that I've

done well? I'm saying that, yeah, you've set up a solid challenge for me today. And so my guesswork is going to be just that, really. There can't be too much education. If I was going to be cynical, I don't know. Give me some thinking. What are you thinking?

Well, there are different ways of thinking, because you like collecting things that you find on the floor and you put on your little shelf of tiny weird things. So that easily fits this little blighter. Which would make the little blighter what? Which of our eyes? Would be found. And then if I had to say you were given something,

I would say it was the squeezy bottle because maybe a friend or a relative or someone who knows the show or gave you that, gave you that. Yeah. And then you bought that in a charity shop because that's the kind of shit you find in a charity shop is this now

what the video yeah now country wise you could also argue that you found that baby squeezy thing and you thought

it's been a baby's arsehole so I'm going to fucking make Paul touch it it's not for babies I think it's for feeding fish nuzzle, floppage, cock, nubbin that's good nuzzle, floppage, cock, nubbing. Eli the nutshell.

nuzzle, floppage, cock, nubbing. Love it. My first album. Yeah. I am... I'm going to have to

press you for an answer now. You know what? I don't know. You know, that's a thing. Okay, so... Remember,

you get some bonus points once you've done the first guess. I will tell you which one has been bought. I'm not feeling particularly good about this. So I am going to say that you were given the video,

you bought the fish thing, and you found the green thing, the green lizard. You have scored one point. Ah. The lizard was found. Okay. Yeah, it was on the street. Someone had obviously, obviously,

been kicked out of their flat or something. Yeah. I also got their barista name badge. Well, it says, it's like a name badge, but it just says barista. It's from a... Generic badge. Yeah, and it's from Costa.

I would have preferred like a... You could have gone to Starbucks. Hello, I'll make a coffee. Hello, barista. Hello. It's my first day. What do I do? Spit in it?

What do I do? Do I it? What do I do? Do I wash my nub in it and do a hot coffee? Do I do a rimmer? A rimmer with the nub? Do you want some dustings on your cappuccino? Poo poo dustings.

Poo poo dustings on your... Stop it, Paul. Stop it. Anyway, yeah, all this stuff was thrown out and there was... And that obviously caught my eye your fat stop it Paul stop it anyway yeah all this stuff was thrown out and there was and that

obviously caught my eye because there's a little kinder toy dragon thing it's alright okay so you knew that was found so that means you bought the fish thing

no no you said that I bought the fish thing did I yeah oh I was meant to say the other way around

oh no you said I was given this oh yeah no I did say that I was given that and you bought that, I was meant to say the other way around. Oh. No, you said I was given this. Oh, yeah. No, I did say that. I was given that and you bought that. And I was... And you bought that.

No, that... It's the other way around. Okay, so you bought that. I bought the Floor Master video. Yeah, yeah. And I was given by Jenny. Thank you very much. She bought this in her travels in Europe.

Fucking Jenny. Stabbed me in the fucking back again. She bought me the fish squeezer. Now, that could be a classic cheap show item. It is. Where did she find it though? Because your whole family is grotty. She visited a...

Fuck off! Don't even start, man. Paul Gannon would like to do a formal apology to the Silverman family. What are you doing? With a slur against him. Jesus, what are you doing? Anyway, they visited like a public aquarium in

Spain. Oh, okay. All right, I bought that. And this was used to feed the fish. Oh. And the Floor Master

LOC was the item I bought. Now, can I still get a bonus point for guessing it? You get two if you get it on the nose. How much is this

utterly useless, crap, least entertaining thing I could think of? I'm going to say that was 50p. On the nose, two points for you, Paul.

So it's not a complete failure. Three points out of a possible six. Yeah. Two points. Three. Three. You did it halfway. You did well.

It's all right. You always do well. And do you know what, Paul? It was really uncanny when you were doing that working. Yeah. You got it exactly right that time. And I thought...

And the reasons were exactly right as well. Yeah, I know. I'm going to edit it. I couldn't believe it. I'm editing it now. No, don't editor it! So there you go. I've just proved that I was right the first place. Fucking don't, Paul.

Come on, have some fucking modesty here. I edit the show. When you edit the show, you can change reality. I can't. You wouldn't let me edit it. You won't edit it. If I gave you an episode to edit it would never come out

it would never come out if I did know how to edit I could edit yeah you wouldn't because you're still bone idle you'd still complain about oh Jesus

it's really down on Silverman today isn't it I'd like to go down on Silverman you just said I'm unclean and I dress like all the members

of the Alphitas that doesn't turn me on you like a conglomerate dwarf Alphedus and pet guy, do you? Yeah, he's got a cock aroma of basically, I don't know, salty mushrooms. Right, Paul. That's it. That's it. Well played, Mr. Silverman.

Thank you, yeah. Well played. So let's just close this. I've got this idea, right? You're this kind of, I don't know, wise, cracking, kind of smooth-talking kind of guy who thinks he's seen it all, but then he turns a street corner, and then he goes,

what's this? Okay. Ready? Oh. Yeah. Oh. Hey. What's this?

It's a mirror. You're looking into your own face. You seem dead inside. You question everything. Ooh, ooh, ooh, that's me. And that's right. Right. End of the show, end of the show, end of the show.

www.twinklebrothers.com Yes, that's our new website. No, it's not. Twinklebrothers.com yes that's our new website no it's not twinkle brothers no they're an actual reggae group are they

yeah are they yeah oh we can't do that then that's good because I would have liked to have been a

twinkle brother it's a good name isn't it right that was another cheap show for another week if you would like to email us anything you can thecheapshow

at gmail.com if you want to follow us on social media at gmail.com yeah cheapshow at gmail.com. If you want to follow us on social media. At gmail.com? Yeah. Cheapshowatgmail.com? Yeah. I've just only realised that's our website.

It's not our website. It's our email address. Oh, yeah. So you haven't realised that then, have you? But what's our website, Paul? Thecheapshow.co.uk. Thank you, yeah. So you can go to that to see pictures and videos

of that company episode of Cheap Show. Including this one. And we'll have some shots of all the drinks. Of all the drinks. Everything that we've talked about, you'll see on the website. Or sometimes it appears on the Reddit page. So you go to

reddit.com forward slash r forward slash Cheap Show and join the discussion there. We're on social media in Instagram. Yeah.

I said Reddit. Tumblr. Tumblr. And also on Facebook. Jumbo sales. And discount suit stores and you can follow us

on Twitter I'm at Paul Gannon Show the podcast is at the Cheap Show Pod Eli is my Twitter handle Paul is Eli Snowed

if you want to spell that Paul is Eli Snowed that's a really long handle I said Paul no it's my Twitter handle Paul is Eli Snowed and if you'd like to spell that is Eli Snowed so it's I S handle, Paul, is Eli Snoyd.

And if you'd like to spell that. Is Eli Snoyd. So it's I-S-E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. No, no one could make that mistake. I just did, twice, on purpose. My Twitter handle, Paul, is Eli Snoyd. It's hard, isn't it? Just say, what's your Twitter?

What's your Twitter? Eli Snoyd, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Fuck you. You know that. It's not Eli Snoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Fuck you. You know that. It's not Eli Snoid, Eli Snoid. Just in case anyone's confused. So that's it. Also, you can buy merch now.

So long story short, if you want to have T-shirts or iPad covers or cups or whatever, you can go to, there's links on our webpage. T-shirts. Are there mugs? There are mugs. Yeah, there's now selling merch with to, there's links on our webpage. T-shirts. But basically, Voratoni is now, yeah, is now selling merch with Voratoni's art on. So again,

go to our website. You know which one I like, Paul? What? Especially the one, Ganon's No Rules Ever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's what you do.

Someone wore the Uncle Grumbly's Jam T-shirt. That was nice. That's character's dead now, isn't it? Yeah. But it's all good. And also,

if everyone's keeping up with this, I think we should mention, Paul, that the urchin and the original owner of the froth shop, Mr. Gannon, have perished. In the extended Cheap Show universe, have perished.

We'll be rebooting that. Stay tuned for that. Oh, yeah. If it worked for Marvel. It's going to be another... I'm thinking of another urchin. No, it's going to be a different time altogether. Time and place.

Is it? It's happening in the future. Okay. So of another urchin. No, it's going to be a different time altogether, time and place. Is it? It's happening in the future. Okay. So I can do my voice from the froth shop. Sweet, sweet candy. Yeah, maybe it's a futuristic froth machine that can... That takes candy from all through time.

And can molecularly simulate it from any era. Like in the Star Treks with the... The magic machine in the Star Trek, yeah. There's a couple of nerds right now saying, Replicator! And we don't care. We don't fucking care.

It's the magic button machine. See that? Listen, do you know what I do, Paul? I mean, the idea... No, I know. I do know, but...

What do you think I'm going to say then? Get the nubbin! Oh, the nubbin! Oh, the nubbin's dragging! Nuzzle, throppage, nubbin. Thank you. Right.

Is that everything? That is. I think that is everything. Also, if you want to buy a physical copy of the Cheap Show official or unofficial magazine, you can.

Also, now thanks to Event. Beautiful mag. It's a beautiful mag. Very beautiful. Go to thecheapshow.co.uk and there are links on that page. It's such a beautiful magazine. To your merch. And that's it there are links on that page. It's such a beautiful magazine.

To your merch. And that's it. It's a beautiful thing. It's a hot night. It's a hot, hot night. The hot night in London. It's a hot night. The hot night in London.

Goodbye. No. No. We're not ending like that. Oh, how are we going to end then? I would like it to just be a nice one where we just say thank you for joining us

for another wacky edition of Cheap Show we'll see you next week oh how nice turn it off I've got a crazed sheen of slime on my forehead. Yeah, it's a greasy day. The back of my neck feeling dirty gritty.

I'm just going to lower your mic a second. Hot town. Now, why don't you say, peek into the mic or something? No, because it's just a little bit too high. That's it. I've just lowered it. You're doing fine.

I'm doing fine. You're doing fine now. When you said, I dress like every single member of Alpheda St. Kitts. You're doing fine. I'm doing fine. You're doing fine now. When he said, I dress like every single member of Alphidus and Cat. Yeah, you do. You do. Now that. If you put it into a computer program,

the fashion of the whole cat would be the same pair. And it went, blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub. Bing! And there's the result of the fashion. It would be what you're wearing now. Tales from the dance floor.

Oh, have you got one? Two guys. you really should have brought this up in the intro and not join the first segment of the show well we'll just stick it in here fine if you're reading it today

you're in charge really I'll just slot a little tails from the the old dance floor in go on it's nice to have them so I'm DJing yeah

I'm DJing for you you're like it's not even Ronnie Corby to tell a monologue on the two Ronnies it's like that's your producer

I'm DJing Paul DJing merrily along yeah I'm DJing his guy comes up he produced it and what is the biggest red flag the most

stereotypical red flag thing they can say if it's a bloke oh okay what do they say irrespective of gender so it depends what so it's either one of two things either is it's it's mate i love what you're playing but yeah okay and the second one is mate you're not doing very well

why don't i give you some advice and get the atmosphere up or oh there's a third think of like just a general comment about some aspect of the music that they're wrong about, but they feel sort of stands in for choice. Oh, is this when they say something like, oh, can you do something a bit more upbeat? Up tempo. Up tempo. He goes, can you play something a bit more up tempo?

Do you know what I was playing at the time? What were you? I was playing Long Tall Sally. Long Tall Sally. By? Chuck E. Cheese. Little Richard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is? Long Tall Sally. Long Tall Sally. By... Chuck E. Cheese. Little Richard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is... Long Tall Sally. Gonna be the baddest. Gonna be the baddest. Oh, baby. It's a bit like that. Yeah. That one, right?

Yeah. That's quite up-tempo. I think it's very up-tempo. It's like that. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck off. What was he thinking?

Like what? Happy hardcore? He meant something that has electronic dance beats and has been put through several thousand voltages of filter. Do you know the way they crunch everything now? That's the sort of, that's the program. It has to have that FM sort of. What is it?

Yeah. That there has to have it on everything. I didn't mean to start you off. Yeah, it's the Dutch guys from the last week. Yes, it's good. Hello. Hello. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, but I don't know if you've got something on tempo anyway yeah and then he went

and he was leaning over what this Dutch guy no the guy who came up oh there was no Dutch guy we went to the okay sorry no there were Dutch guys

from the week before yeah yeah but okay not in this instance and he's leaning over his drink right near the record I'm like mate can you just and then he's like

no no no it's fine I've got my own decks fuck so what he can dangerously Balance a glass of drink Next to you

Just because he knows He knows what he's doing Yeah He knows about the tempo Of music Not You should You know what the word means

What does the word tempo mean Paul It's the speed You know what you should have done Tap this willy Tap this willy Hang on So I've got one I've got one

Lean over and tap the willy Just tap it Don't worry I've got one What just give it a flickage? Yeah. A little flicking. It's like you're tapping his coin purse.

It's like, tick, tick, tick, tick. Where do I go? Oh, oh, oh. No, you just look him in the eye and say, don't worry, I've got one.

I look at him. What do I do? Just look at him and go, I've got one. All right. And then he'll be weirded out. How do I feel about it?

No. It's just to make him uncomfortable. If he is uncomfortable, he might like it and things could go off in a different manner. No It's just to make him uncomfortable How do I If he is uncomfortable He might like it And things could go off In a different manner

Anyway Later on God four minutes We haven't stopped This fucking segment Oh God It's Mr Clockington Aren't you

Yeah It's our podcast We can do what we like It's not It is When you come up with a delusion That I hold about myself Yeah but

Then we can move on with that. Yeah, but I do everything. I edit the podcast, so I'm already aware that I'm going to be sitting here listening to this bit going, fuck it. Speed it up. I've just spent two minutes listening to you go, yes, yes, yes.

That was the best bit of the podcast so far. Now, he comes over. He goes, it's my birthday. Right. Red light. It's like, yeah, so what? Oh, you were born on a particular day of the year. Like every single other fucking human being.

You know what I mean? Walk up to one person, it's fucking one in 365 chances their birthday. He's not saying it's my birthday because he thinks having a birthday is unique. He's just saying it's my birthday, so can I get a request? He's not saying, have you ever heard of birthdays? Why do I get nice things

because it's an arbitrary number of when I was born? It's bullshit. Birthdays are bullshit. Oh, old man Silverman, he planes about the world. Right. He comes up,

it's my birthday. My granddad was into Thin Lizzy. Can you play Thin Lizzy? Okay. The answer was no. No, you don't have any Thin Lizzy with you. I don't have any Thin Lizzy with me. What could you even play?

Oh, all sorts of stuff. I love Thin Lizzy. Boys of Basking Tower. I love Thin Lizzy. I like Thin Lizzy. They're great. Is that Phil Linnett? Yeah.

Yeah. Who did Yellow Pearl? The theme from Top of the Pops. Ah. Do-do-do-do-do-do. At number 10. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. At number 10. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Anyway.

Electronic. Electronic. He was only saying it because they had played, the live band had played The Boys of Back in Town. Okay. So, did you not just say, well, they played that, so happy birthday to your granddad? No, I just said, oh, fuck off, mate. I ain't got it, mate.

I got it. Can I help you? Did he just walk off? No. And then I've got it three guys came up it was a three guy night yeah guy came up

and he just and he was like it's my birthday yeah fucking everyone's fucking birthday all of a sudden well that's why people

go out by and large as well to celebrate a birthday fucking stupid it's not you're just a cunt just tell this third repetitive and he comes up and he goes it's not you're just a cunt just tell this

third repetitive and he comes up and goes it's my birthday so can you turn it up I said no it's mandated that

I said no I can't I'm actually at the max I can't turn it up yeah and do you know how many more times he asked me

if I could turn it up eight about four or five more times do you know what I mean and you couldn't express to him that you had no control I'm just like how many times do you know what I mean and you couldn't express to him that you had no control

I'm just like how many times do you want me to say no to you how many times do you want me to say no to you well there we go ladies and gentlemen seven minutes wasted

if you enjoy Tales from the Dance Floor by Eli Silverman you're becoming increasingly unique hit me up yeah hit

where I don't I don't know I could do it I could make why don't. I don't know. I could do it. I could make one up. Why don't you just. I'll make up a bonus one for them now. Right.

Tales from the Jackanory dance floor. Some girl came up. I was DJing. And she said, I love this tune. And I want to marry you. And I have a very rich aristocratic father who works in the film industry. And once she went a little hat with a propeller on the top spinning round. rich aristocratic father who works in the film industry. And why is she wearing a little hat with a propeller on the top, spinning

round? And, I don't know, a glove puppet in one hand. Yes, of a crocodile. Adam Sparkles. Adam Sparkles the crocodile. How did you guess this? Have you seen her about? She's trying to push Adam Sparkles on everyone. I hate this segment. Can we move on? No. The more you ask, the more I won't.

Now, Paul, stepping outside the podcast for just a little moment now. Yeah. You know we're doing the soda jerk section next. A few things. I have to fetch some ice and glasses because none of these drinks

have been refrigerated and it's a very, very hot day. Also, we have to go through two other characters to get round there. We've got to go through the froth shop you're aware of this so yeah the

urchin boy has to come he has to meet the froth shop owner who then has to take him through this show has become a literal burden it was emotionally and he has mentally

creatively he has to come through normal podcast just say and on the next section of the show we're going to be trying some cheap drinks what we got for us this week and then

they get into it. We've so far done three mediocre stories that have well been since past their sell-by date of novelty, four years down the line with this podcast. We've already had me go on a terrible tangent trying to spin the formula somewhat. And now you've broken the fourth wall again to spread out more time and mentioned we're going to have to take more time to this segment because you're not prepared. Well, you could always edit this bit out. We are the worst podcast, I think, in the world. We're the world's worst podcast.

And we should really win an award for that. I think there should be a... Now, why don't you fuck off and get those glasses and ice and get back here as soon as possible. This could just be an extra bit of the intro. Just think of it like that. And then we'll do... He's looking at me, guys. Go get your glass.

He's looking at me. Go get your glass. Oh, you know what I did like in Digitizer Live and what everyone's talking about, Paul? Fat Sal, that character. Who does that character? That character's brilliant. I've heard such good things about that puppet character, Fat Sal.

Can you please fuck off and get the glasses and ice? I've heard people think we should do a whole spin-off. Not we, that puppet character Fat Sal. Can you please fuck off and get the glasses and ice? Oh, I've heard people think we should do a whole spin-off. Not we, just whoever does Fat Sal and you should do a whole sort of erotic detective series. What about... Paul and Fat Sal! Think about it. Gannon and Fat Sal. Fat Sal and Gannon. Yeah, that's it.

You got it. Fat Sal and Jimmy Biscuits. No. I'm only signing on if I can bring in Jimmy Biscuits. Jimmy Biscuits is the boss. There only signing on if I can bring in Jimmy Biscuits. Jimmy Biscuits is the boss. No, he's part of the baddie. No, he's not the baddie. Jimmy Biscuits stands for goodness. For good.

Yeah. And for justice. Do you know what I've heard about Jimmy Biscuits? What? He likes to put something on his biscuits. What? Uncle Grumbly's jam. Go and get your glass.

His Grumbly's out of the universe now. Go get your glass. Isn't he? Go get your glass. I'm going to get several glasses. Just get your glass. Is Grumbly's out of the universe now? Go get your glass. Isn't he? Go get your glass. I'm going to get several glasses. Just get your glasses. Because we have, Paul,

about seven drinks to get through. And we've already spent ten minutes talking shit. Just! Eli's gone to the kitchen to get some glasses and ice because we are about to do the soda jerk section of the show

after almost eleven minutes of absolute nonsense which I'm cutting out of this section of the show and putting right at the end.