CheapShow - Ep 138: Emergency Protocol

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

CheapShow would like to apologize for this edition of everyone's favourite economy comedy podcast. CheapShow would like to warn you about the contents of this week's show. CheapShow suggests you skip this week's Tales from the Shop Floor. CheapShow does not recommend eating this much hot sauce. Finally, CheapShow ran out of things to do this week... So consulted the CheapShow Handbook. What follows is what happens when CheapShow has no other options. CheapShow is sorry for everything. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-138-emergency-protocol If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Right, can you hear me though? I can hear you, yes. Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. I need to maybe up front make a parental guidance warning. Yeah, why? We always say cunt and stuff, don't we? I know, but there's stuff that is coming up in this week.

Bleeding genitals? Vomit in genital holes? No. Anything? I'm trying to think, what? Bestiality? Funnily enough, there's a hole involved in one of the things we're doing today. genital holes. No. Anything? I'm trying to think what? Bestiality. Funnily enough,

there's a hole involved in one of the things we're doing today. But I just want to say blablabla blablabla Don't do that noise. I'll do whatever the fuck I like. I'm fucking going.

No you're not because you can't work the door to get out for a start. Well, perhaps you should tell them where we are today. Why the sound is so professional. It might not be. I don't know. It sounds very... It's got

acoustic treating in, that's why it's dampening. So hopefully not a lot of reverb. We're recording in Soho Radio, but I wanted to put a warning out that there's some content in this episode that may be... It may be a little... We might be pushing our luck, is basically what it comes down to.

We have a tale from... I'm looking forward to it now. We have a Tales from the Shop floor that I'm not completely sure I'll keep in this episode. Okay, well, this episode might not exist. We might be talking to no one. We might be talking to no one. But I want to just make out that this episode,

if you're one of our younger listeners, you might want to be careful. What? If you're upset by certain things... What younger listeners? We've had younger listeners, like 14, 15-year-olds get in touch with the show. Well, I think you need to, just generally, Paul. I mean, there's a warning on every episode.

Can we step outside the podcast for a moment? Let's step outside. Yeah, go on. Hello. Hello. Paul, don't you think that just generally, maybe we should put like an 18 thing on our podcast? Every episode that when I do the metadata has an extreme content thing. You have to put it on.

Okay, so why? Is this super extreme? I'm just bracing people up this week. Nazi poo whores. Is it? No, but now I want to see something called Nazi poo whores. No, I'm just saying that there's some content in this episode. Whores?

Please. Please. I've only had three hours sleep. I'm going to go back into the podcast. Hello. I'm just going to say that there's some content

in this episode that might be a bit stronger and a bit more adult and extreme than usual. Strong meat. If I put it up at the front now Show me the strong meat. Then people can check out. Excuse me. I've heard I can get strong meat here. Yeah, what kind of strong meat do you want? I want the fucking hardest, strongest meat you can fucking thwop out.

I've got ox cock. All right, yeah. Ox cock? Yeah, that's strong meat. How many yards of it do you want? Two yards. I can do ten. We stitch them all together and form one big mega ox cock.

Right, Paul. So, that was good. Thank you. Let's curtail that improvisation. What am I going to do with all this ox cock now? Just put it back in the metaphorical butcher shop. My wife wants to use it as a draft excluder. Oh, yeah? Is that all she wants to use it as? I fucking hope so. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse.

People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show, you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Dance Floor. Moodle time Tales from the dance floor How's the big guy? The price of shite It's a tall gun and saying hello Isaac Schein. Richard Morgan and St. Helen. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Geek Show. They're not going on a nuzzle. Yes, it's the Economy Comedy Podcast where we go through the charity shops, bazaars, pound lands, thrift stores, discount suit company stores, and jumble sales of the UK and beyond And deliver it to you to say Hey, look Stuff

Here's some tat Here's some tat Look at my tat It's hot in here Swap my tat out Right, so Hello Eli, how are you? I'm okay

It's been a long weekend Oh, you didn't want to hear it No, I didn't want to I just want to move on It's just one of those niceties Yeah Fine No, go on, how are you? I'm okay. It's been a long weekend. Oh, you didn't want to hear it. No, I didn't want to. I just want to move on. It's just one of those niceties. Yeah. Fine. No, go on.

How are you? I'm just a bit tired, Paul. Yeah, me too. It's been a long DJing weekend. It has. For us both. In many similar and yet very different ways. We've both been working in the DJing side of the industry.

You are mixing fat tunes for dance club success. Yes. Whereas I'm mixing hot topics for chat show wonders. Okay, there you go. And I had a guy call up the station

last night. Yeah. And goes, why are there so many blacks on your station now? And I had to explain that because it's BBC London, which has predominantly

been a largely white station for years, is now trying to reflect more of... How does he know they're blacks? It's an audio format. Because two of the guests we had on... Had African-sounding names.

Yeah, well, they did, actually, for a start. And also they worked in art and textiles, which had a kind of African inspiration. And so they were on the talk about that. I will say... So one programme about some black people and one guy, and he calls up. Not even that. It was a chat show, as per usual.

We have guests come in and they do news stories, right? Yeah. So for most of the show they're doing news stories. Right at the very end they go, what are you working on?

They say this. Right. The minute they start talking this guy calls up and goes, I'm sick of hearing all this black stuff on the radio. How many people have called in

to talk about this stuff? No one. Get him off. I was like, you don't realise that BBC London's trying to reach out now to the communities

that make up London which isn't white people, by and large. So for a few hours in the evening, they put it into a more, you know. Did you have to be polite to this fucking pig? I started off polite. And then at the end, I said, mate, I've just spent 10 minutes of my life explaining something I shouldn't have to to an adult. Yeah. Fuck off.

And then he said to me, you know, on reflection, I don't even know what colour you are. And I went, you're right. And I hung up. Fuck you. Me? No said to me, you know, on reflection, I don't even know what colour you are. And I went, you're right. And I hung up. Fuck you. Me? No, him. I was going to say, fuck him. It's this open fucking racism.

Like, they're quite questioning you. Like, you know me. They think the BBC have an agenda to put more voices, you know. Well, they do need to represent everyone in the country, don't they? That's kind of what the BBC has to do, especially BBC London, which has to reflect its demographic.

So a few hours of every day, mostly in the evenings, it appeals to other cultures. You don't have to defend this. You shouldn't have to defend that to anyone. Exactly. And that's why I got annoyed spending 10 minutes of my time explaining to him. And he wasn't even listening. He was too busy listening to fucking Ian Lee at the time as well. And that was a best of. Let's just crack on with the show, Paul.

We're going to start by saying this. Originally, we did have a guest. For various reasons, the guest couldn't make it today. Just things that happened. The incident. We won't mention that. It's not an incident. It was. There was no incident. There was a poo-poo incident. No, there was not a poo-poo incident. There was. There was a poo-poo incident with the guest and a horse.

No, I'm not besmirching this guest who may be listening and go, oh, well, I'm not coming on the show now then. Well, she can fucking go on Ian Lee's show.

Or he. Or he. You fucking idiot. Look, the point is they couldn't make it and that's fine. It was just a last minute snafu. So we've had to ditch

all that content. Last minute snafu. That's one way of putting it. We had to ditch all that content so we're doing one ad hoc. We're doing an ad hoc ep. We're doing an ad hoc ep. We're doing an ad hoc ep. Good.

With that in mind. Tales from the shop floor. This. So when we did Digitizer Live, right, lots of people came up afterwards, gave me lots of stuff for the show, some of which we're using today, some of which we've used in the past,

and some of which we will end up using in future episodes. We've got loads of swag for the pod. Lots of swag. So we'll be touching on that throughout the next couple of episodes. But one person came up to me, and I don't know if he wants anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity.

Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. Right, hang on. Hang on. You know what a lot of people have been saying to me, Paul Which I thought was quite interesting about Digitizer Live

That fat sow, whoever was doing that Stop fucking peddling that Jesus wet, mate It was really good, apparently I don't know, man, who does it? Because they're classy Who does it? Everybody likes you now

Shut up, Paul One day, you're going to go behind those bins to see Fat Sal not there, and instead there's going to be a giant replica Zippy puppet, and you're going to have to make it work. I could do that. I fucking would love to see that, actually. Imagine if me and you took over a rebooted Rainbow.

Oh my God, my dream. You could be Zippy. That would be my dream. What, we take over Rainbow? Yeah, but an adult version. Yeah. Where Bungle's an absolute maniac. Yeah?

Do you know what, Paul? What? We should cover Rainbow on Cheap Show as a sort of little... Yeah, but you know

what the problem is? I don't want this show to necessarily become a nostalgia podcast. Okay. The remit has always been, whatever we're

given... Have an idea for this show. No, just get shot down whilst we're doing it. Here's me just digging a little hole for it. Here's your little idea. I'm digging a hole for it.

I'm going to make the idea dig its own hole, which it's doing. How can an idea dig a hole? It's a word play. Okay. And then I'm going to pop a bullet in the back of the idea's head And then put it in the whole it's just dug for itself

That idea's dead That idea is out of the desert My remit has always been That idea sleeps with the fishes But my remit has always been with this podcast We can only tackle stuff if we get it in a charity shop Or are given it as part of the show Aha

Aha So if we get a rainbow thing Yes Paul What was that last thing you said before? You said the stuff I didn't want to hear? Charity shop. Yeah. If we find it in a charity shop.

I have. Yeah. Charity shop found rainbow record, which we could do on the planters. Fine. In that case, then we can include it. But I don't want it to become, oh, anything goes nostalgia podcast. Otherwise... Sesame Street.

Yeah. We can talk about stuff when we come across it. All right? In charity shops, bazaars, jumble sales, pound lands, discount stores and... Supermouse. What was that called? Thank you. Charity shops.

Supermouse. Mighty Mouse. Danger Mouse. Mighty Mouse. Hey. All the mice heroes. No one ever did Supermouse. There might have been a Supermouse.

A super dog. Tales from the shop floor. So. I'm ready. Again. You can't shock me, Paul. I haven't read this email, but I do know what the story is because he told me at the live night. Okay.

After the digitizer. Okay. So I'm going to put out a very, very, very honest caution about the content of this story. All right. With that in mind. Okay. Are you ready? I'm ready. I've got my bib on. very honest caution about the content of this story. Alright? With that in mind, are you ready? I'm ready. I've got my bib on. Hello Paul and Eli, long time listener, first time contributor. My name is Oliver and I work as a police officer for a force

in Wales. Fine, he's put it in the email. It's now public knowledge. Hello Oliver. If you get fired after this Does he do? What does he do? He's a police officer. He's a bad lieutenant in this story? Yeah. He's like, show me your ass. Turn around, show me your ass.

He stands naked in front of a mirror. Yeah. Like Harvey Keitel did. But there's that bit where he goes, show me your ass. Yeah. I know. That stuck with you, apparently. The story I have...

Turn around. You ever suck a guy's cock? I'm also going to apologise for Eli. Oh, fuck off. Anyway, he says he's worked as a police officer for around three years. Okay. The story I have for you today happened only three days into my not-so-storied career. And it's quite frankly one of the most harrowing experiences of my life so far.

This is your last chance to skip ten minutes into the next podcast. Is there a shop in this? Kind of. He's talking shop because he's on the job he's on the job and I said you know we'll see how it goes

again this is your last chance to skip forward 10 minutes or so of the podcast if you want to here we go it was around 8 in the evening August 2017

the sun was still up and I was in a marked police van in the company of my tutor constable who'd been showing me the ropes I don't know why I fluked at you like that nearby to the station and a marked police van in the company of my tutor constable, who'd been showing me the ropes. I don't know why I looked at you like that.

Nearby to the station, there is a street famous for its rampant drug dealing and prostitution. Let's patrol the area. What city is he in? Did you mention? It just says somewhere near Wales, so we'll keep it vague. Okay. So we don't recommend a certain part of a town

for people to go in and debase themselves. All right. Nearby to the station is a famous street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's patrol the area, my tutor constable exclaimed, knowing full well that by patrol he means look for trouble and get me to deal with it. That's great, isn't it? Not too long on the job and the person with you say, let's drop him in at the depot.

Well, you've got to, you know, trial by fire. You do. I do. But, you know, yeah, but still, I don't know. They've got to know how to do the job eventually, Paul. Whatever happened to the old Bobby? You know the old Bobby?

Who, what old Bobby? You know the old Bobby. Where does he live, though? Where did he used to live? He used to live in Cumbly by Wombley Wales. What? Let's Be Avenue.

999 Let's Be Avenue. You'll be illu, illu, illu. Illu, illu. You just broke the set. Oh, shit. It's all right. It was hanging on there.

Some of the fucking soundproofing is coming down on me. Yeah, it's all right. It just dangles there. Don't leave it. That could do someone a mischief. Oh, well. What does he eat, though, when he's at home at Let's Be Avenue? He do noosah.

What do we eat in Let's Be Avenue? Irish stew. Irish stew. Irish stew. Illou, illou, illou, Irish stew. In stew. Hello, hello, hello, Irish stew. Let me have you. Let me have you. You come here, you little...

Irish stew. Oh, I caught you stealing a pick and mix from the local corner shop. I'm going to cuff you around the ear. I'm going to truncheon your head. The old British Bobby. Peelers, they used to be called peelers your head. The old British Bobby. Peelers, they used to be called Peelers as well.

Why? Because of Robert Peel who founded the Metropolitan Police. I did not know that. Yes. Why are they called Bobbies then?

Not sure, but it's related. He's called Robert Peel I believe what he was. Oh, so maybe that's where Bobbies come from. So it could be Bobby Peelers. Yes, I think they're

called Bobby Peelers. Hello, I'm Bobby Peelers and I'm here to do some fucking comedy. Right, let's just crack on because I can easily do that voice all theers. Hello, I'm Bobby Peelers. I'm Bobby Dazzler. I'm here to do some fucking comedy. Right, let's just crack on, because I can easily do that voice all the time. So, great for my development is the usual excuse senior officers make by forcing a young probationer to take on the worst jobs. They force him.

That's part of the, you know, the law of the West. In it, a bit of a hard nudge into reality. You know, a friend of mine, I think when he was trained to become a police officer, had to help fish a woman out of the Mersey. When you said, that's the way you paused after fish a woman.

I was trying to think of the right phrase. It was some kind of weird verb to fish someone. Yeah, because the body was floating and when they lifted it out, the body was riddled

with crabs and horrible stuff. There was crabs scuttling over her dead flesh. In and out of her. Okay. It was grim. And the story you're about to tell is worse than that.

I don't know if it's worse, but if I put that up front... Paul, here's my nice police-related anecdote. Yeah. When I was in primary school, Bedford, down in northwest London, there was a thing called the Police Panda Quiz. And it was a competition between primary schools where you learnt all about the Metropolitan Police. So there was a quiz element

on that and also the Highway Code. Right. And there was a quiz element on that. Yeah. And you played in teams of four against another school. Very much like University Challenge. But for kids. Yeah. And I was on the team. I was good. I was the top player but we got

whipped by one of the posh schools in Hampstead. They always won because of their little brands. And there's a policeman who ran the experience. WPC. WPC. I can't remember her name but she was... Bobby Peelers. And there was a little girl with a dog face in

Gospel Oak Primary who I loved. Right. Okay. That's a nice story. That's not crabs coming out of fucking dead horse fannies We used to have a police officer Who came to our school once a year To put on a puppet show And teach kids about strangers

Did he live in Let's Be Avenue? No but the puppet I remember being one of those horrible You know the film Magic With Anthony Hopkins and his puppet One of those horrible ventriloquist toys. It was like one of those. It's weird this keeps coming up, Paul, because I was looking at something today. Yeah.

And it was on some social media feed, but it was like a photo. Do you know there was a ventriloquist dummy as a toy craze in the end of the 70s? No, I did not know that. We should look into this. We should look into that. There was a craze for them. So they'd be mass produced, these horrible, nasty sort of... But people bought them and they stick them in the living room.

And then they end up in the attic, like scaring generations of people. It's like when you go up to get an old ball game out and that dog falls down. No, Jesus fucking Christ! Hello! Hello, I'm Popkins. Anyway, so he had this puppet. And the guy himself was a bit of a scouser. You know, he was like, I'd here to talk about Stranger Danger today.

But for whatever reason, the voice he picked for the puppet had a stutter. It was just like, Don't be scared of the Stranger Danger. Why mix the message up like that? Was he hiding, or did he just have it there? It was on his lap. Was he any good at it? No.

Okay. I think the reason why... He's a weirdo. Yeah, I think the reason why he put the stutter in was just so he could flap the mouth around a lot because it had that weird flappy, flappy mouth. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It helps with the technique of an amateur ventriloquist.

Don't be scared, kids. Stranger men. And you think, no, I'm stuttering. Right, let's do this fucking story. And we're back in. And we're back in. And we're back in. Anyway, as we slowly drove down the street, keeping an eye on the local undesirable, something caught my eye.

A small parked car next to the local convenience store. I could see what looked like a female up against the wall and a male who seemed to be mounting her right leg. That's just Cheryl, my tutor constable said. Go check on her. Make sure she's okay, make sure she's okay Make sure she's okay I reluctantly exited the car And made my way over to the dark corner in the car park

As I got closer, it became more evident That this male had his trousers down And was rampantly humping Cheryl's leg Now there's one thing that really stuck out at me at this point And it's something that will I mean, there's quite a lot of things That stand out already. The man's winking bum bum.

Like a little mollusk on a rock. Like a little fucking Morse code. Hello, hello. Don't know why a pun would say hello. Anyway,

there's one thing I stuck out that I remember forever. The smell. Oh God, the smell. As I drew closer there was a smell of rotted flesh

that only got stronger as I drew near. Again, I hope you're skipping this part of the podcast. A rotted meat smell with a hint of what I could only try and describe as a teenage cum sock that's been tucked away under the bed only to be discovered six months later.

We've all been there. Well, we've all been there. We've all been there. For the record, I did not have a bogey shelf. I may have had a cum sock, but I never have a bogey shelf. I may have had a cum sock, but I never had a bogey shelf. That sounds like a great country and western lyric. Oh, down on the river I had me a cum sign and me a bogey shelf. That's it.

That's the end of it. Good. I'm glad. Oh, my cum socks are crisping in the morning. But I tell you I ain't never had no bogey shelf. It's a beautiful song.

I ain't had no bogey shelf. That's enough now. You've done enough. You've done enough. I was going to get through this story. I may have had a cum sock A one or maybe twenty I may not have a snot shelf But I've got a cum rag Yeah, I did it better No you didn't

As I approached the mail He noticed me and withdrew immediately Quickly pulling up his trousers He then jumped over a wall before making off. Oink! I asked Cheryl what had been going on, to which she shouted, fuck off wanker. Okay. Fair enough.

She lives on the streets, maybe. It looks like she's, you know, got a hard shell. She's doing a job that she probably doesn't want to do. She's got a hard shell? You know, emotional hard shell. You know, to protect herself from the way of the world. The trauma that she's subjected to daily. That's when I looked down and saw it.

On her right calf, there was a big gaping, necrotic hole. Oh. Like the inside of her leg had just rotted out, leaving a perfectly sized recess for the average male genitalia. No. It was here that I had the sudden realisation of what had been going on.

And also, the source of that horrific smell that I'd been trying desperately hard to take her to the hospital. She needs to go to the hospital now. Well, Cheryl had become increasingly unreasonable and we eventually ended up having to arrest her and bring her in. My

tutor constable informed me on the journey into custody that she sells out her leg to men who will pay her £. My tutor constable informed me on the journey into custody that she sells out her leg to men who will pay her £20 for the privilege. What on earth is this? What? Mate, it's a hard fucking life out there for some people. Is this true? Yes, and he's a police officer.

And providing this is true, and he's not just making this shit up. But to be fair, I've got friends who have been policemen and policewomen who have told me stories worse than this shocking they see awful shit what we don't realise is that for all the media attention

that the police get about not being on the streets or not delivering or whatever whatever whatever there's a lot of people out there who deal with

an incredible amount of bullshit every fucking night and see some horrible shit and put up with stuff that me and you hopefully never have to deal with I would not want to deal with that

so you know so I can imagine. There's a whole kind of, you know, like a gallows humour. Well, when you work in dark topics. Gallows humour. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Yeah. They make fun of it or they make light of it or they're belligerent about it

because it's the only way you get fucking through the day. Yeah. So, you know, it makes sense. Obviously, that can spill into toxic thought. Well, I mean, we can look deeper. What is humour for at the end of the day? What is it, you know, it makes sense. Obviously, that can spill into toxic thought. Well, I mean, we can look deeper. What is humour for at the end of the day? What is it for?

What is it for? It's a distraction from the inevitability of our own mortality, isn't it, basically? Yeah, and it's there to give us little humorous surprises that shock and delight us.

You know? A good joke should be a surprise. Oh, I may have a cum sock Or maybe a twin ear i nailed them to the shed and i ran them out for a penny but i tell you please don't make this the thing you do throughout the episode tell you one thing i ain't never done and that's had a bogey shelf. Is that it? I mean, does it get worse?

There's a bit more to go. So, they all pay £20 for the privilege. It was something of a novelty, and people have been known to come from all over the country to fuck Cheryl's leg. Imagine having that reputation. Mate, you need to get it seen to. You can't... And then, you know, you've got to wash it out afterwards.

She's going to die. The thing is if you have that you know like the film Crash yes there's probably a bit of that going on of course

people like that listen Paul I'm not shocked that it's a thing that people might want to do yeah you're concerned for her health yeah

the detail of this it's anyway she's in the back of the van they're going or the back of the car and they're going to custody throughout the journey

Cheryl could be Cheryl could be heard laughing and farting loudly in the back of the van on arrival we open the cage door to discover that

she had shit herself and who do you think had to escort her into the unit of course it was me the stench was so bad the staff inside the custody unit and the other prisoners

waiting to be booked were unable to resist retching. One prisoner threw up on the floor, which only added to my misery. Many thoughts crossed my mind. How do I stop her from flicking faeces on me? How did I get this job? Why are people paying to have sex with a rotted leg?

After the whole ordeal had ended and Cheryl was placed into a cell, I decided to duck into an unoccupied cell and treat myself to a vomit. Despite this horrific incident and baptism of fire into the world of policing, I still do enjoy the job for the most part. However, I do often dream of the comfy office

I once occupied. Wow. A place free of shit, rotting legs, and puke. Thank you. That was some strong meat, Paul. I told you, didn't I? Wow. A place free of shit, rotting legs, and puke. Thank you. That was some strong meat, Paul. I told you, didn't I?

Wow. When we started doing these tales for the shop floor, it was just amusing tales about being in a charity shop. With a bag of dirty undies in. But then it's grown. It's become a festering, necrotic leg wound for fucking.

Yeah. But it does make you realise that there are people who work in these professions who put up with stuff that, again, me and you never have to fucking deal with, hopefully. So this story's shocking, but at the same time, thank fuck for people like him

to deal with it. So that I don't have to. So I don't have to. Yes. And that's your Tales of the Shot Floor. Let's crack on with the show. And now it's time for...

No, no. The Source Report. You can't do the Source Report. Why not? Because this isn't a report. This is Hot Sauce Experience. The other... Oh, you're right. I take it all back.

I forgot there was a slight and pointless difference between the two. Okay, so can I do that? Just introduce it, Paul, and then I'll pass it over to you. Yeah. Because you've sourced this week's sauce. How funny. Okay. Hello.

Welcome again to... Hot sauce Experience. Go on then. You fucking know I haven't got the energy. I need something for the Hot Sauce Experience. It's Hot Sauce Experience time, everybody. Get your hot sauce tongue out. Hot Sauce Experience. How about that? Yeah. Nice, that. Get your hot sauce tongue out. Hot sauce experience.

How about that? Yeah. Nice, that. A bit rocky. Yeah, good, Paul. We don't need instruments when I've got me mouth. That's what she... No, she never says that.

She never says anything. If anything, she says, I'm tired of this. Anyway, go on. Oh, no, that tickled me. Maybe I'll have your girlfriend say, you're tiring me out. Poor booger. Right, so what's happening in the hot sauce experience this week? So this week, this is a digitise a live sourced section

because after the show, I got so many bags given to me of this, that and the other and I lost track of who was giving me what and some didn't put notes in. But thank you very much. We do enjoy. We do. I've got loads of noodles. We love our hot sauces, and we have been given a very, very broad range of hot sauces

to deal with today. So I'm going to leave it. This is basically your section. I've dumped all the stuff next to you. I want you to explore, and we're going to taste. I am not looking forward to this, just for the record. Now, Paul, they're all from... I've got three for you.

I think whoever gave you these must work for this firm. Do you think? Because they didn't say so. Well, maybe not. Maybe they just... Maybe they just went on holiday to Devon and bought a load of stuff from the gift shop. So this is... All of the sauces we are going to be tasting today, Paul, are from a company called Dartmoor

Chili Farm. And again, this is not cheap, probably. So this is us going off book somewhat. But again, I had to throw the contents of the show out. No, it wouldn't be cheap. None of this would be the cheap end of it. I mean, it's cheap for us because we didn't have to pay and it's free.

Yeah, it's fucking free. And we have a hot sauce experience set to the show. So we're wiggling it into the square hole. They grow over 100 varieties. Jalapeno, cayenne, scotch bonnet, naga. Can you grow chillies in the UK? You certainly can, in polytunnels. In whose?

In poly's tunnels? Yeah, it's vagina-grown chilli. Is that like Cheryl's hole in her leg? Poly's tunnel. I've got some lovely chillies growing in my fucking necrotic hole. A Cheryl Scorcher. Right. If you skip forward, by the way, to the part of the show that didn't...

Stop mentioning the necrotic fuckhole. I'm just saying I'm sorry. Handmade chili chutneys, chili jam, sauces, chili oil, and award-winning chili chocolate, which we've got some of that as well, so we'll taste that. But they've given us a whole range of products and some sauces, Paul. And I thought the way to do this would be to start with the – because they have a –

We're going to have to work up. A hotness rating scale on the back of these sauces. So we're going to start with the mildest. Okay. So they don't ruin the flavor that way. Do you see what I mean? Before I forget, a weird thing happened. Do you know we did that Louisiana Gold source, the thing?

From France, yes. The source reports, yes. So I got this weird, I don't know how to put this. I got this weird email and I thought it was sent to me by accident. Hang on, maybe we might just look for it. Okay. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, I also like this song. It's Paul. It's Paul's checking his email song.

Right. So I get this email, and it feels like I've been copied in, because it's from an email called Store Dabwen. Store Dabwen. I don't know what that means. Store Dabwen. And they got in touch with a company called pucker butt peppercorn okay right the home of the world's hottest pepper the carolina reaper yes and they sent an email to this company and

copied us in that says so i've just heard louisiana gold is a hot pepper linked to that episode as a previous customer of the carolina reaper seeds and pure i now feel cheated if it turns out that Cheap Show has gotten hold of something hotter. And I was like... It wasn't hot. It was Tabasco peppers. It was Tabasco. I don't think we ever at any point go, that's the hottest sauce we've ever tried. In fact, I'm pretty sure we did even...

We say they're Tabasco peppers. Yeah. Which are what Tabasco's brand uses as well, which is not the hottest, but have a distinct flavour, as we discussed on the episode. I don't think at any point we went oh that's the hottest thing ever because it wasn't. Because it simply wasn't.

But anyway. I'll tell you what was hotter Paul. What? Two times spicy Sam Young hot chicken ramen noodles. I've decided to

pretend that didn't happen anymore. Again? It's fun for me. Right. So the company at Pukaput Peppers or whatever Pukabut Pepper Co

God it's really fucking hard to say Stupid Americans Look out I'm going to make a company called Pukabut Pecker Packer Pukabut Whatever So they replied I got pepper I got hot pepper

Up my Pukabut You sound like a fucking chicken. Shut up. I meant to. Right. I'm the chili chicken. Shut up. I meant to sound like a chicken.

What? Fuck a butt. Fuck a butt. I'm just going to fucking punch you. Don't come over here. We're in public, right? This is being filmed. Fucking deck you.

Right. Right. So then Pukabut staff emailed back to this guy and says, hello, they probably do not have anything hotter. We still hold the record for the world's hottest pepper. Which is the Carolina Reaper. Yeah. And this is just so...

I just feel like we've been drawn into an argument that we... We had nothing to do with us. We did nothing to do with it. We didn't say it was the hottest. It's basically a Tabasco clone, isn't it, from France? If Puckerbutt are listening, which they're not, send us some. We'll be the judge of that.

We'll be the judge. With that in mind, though, Paul, we're here today to judge some of the sauces which are offered by the Dartmoor Chili Farm. Now, I've got an opinion about British-grown chili. Delicious on the whole. Delicious. okay. Delicious on the whole. Delicious.

You put it on the whole? Or the necrotic hole? Stop it. What? Would you like to push a hot chili right up your bumhole on a fishing line and go, and then pull it out right before your jacket? That'd be fine. That'd be fine.

Fine thing to do. Now, I'm looking at the ingredients. Yeah. What's this one first, then? The first one, where we're going from the least hot. Yeah. Because they have a temperature gauge on the back, and this is way in the mild. Now, the thing is, there's no consistent level.

You see, now I'm not liking this already. Why? I'm looking at the ingredients. You know what the first ingredient in this... Vinegar. This chilli sauce is? Vinegar. No.

Water. Apples.. Water? Apples. Apples? Apples. Why is that a bad thing? And why is it even in there? It just gives it sweetness. It's like a sweetener, isn't it? So it takes the edge off? Yeah. But that's fine. It's a low heat thing, so maybe it's been added to lower the heat. Sugar is the third one.

Yeah. So here's the thing. Is there an industry standard for heat? You know you see that thing on the side that says, oh, it's very low heat. But how is that measured? What is it measured against? Its own brands? It will be calibrated to the Scoville scale. Okay.

The Philip Scoville scale. So how much you can put up with Philip Scoville. This is the Scoville scale is an actual. Oh, this is one or two Joseph Technical Dreamcoats worth. Shut up. No one likes this. None of these... The good stuff's all

the going live material. The going live material. Paul, none of these Schofield jokes are hitting for me, okay? There's someone out there who goes, nice point of reference.

Now, give me a spoon. I've got three there. Taste the first one. This is... If they all have apple juice or whatever in, I'm going to be disappointed. But this is their mildest one,

which is more of a sort of barbecue. And what's its name? It's called Dartmoor Smoke Chili their mildest one, which is more of a sort of barbecue. And what's its name? It's called Dartmoor Smoke Chili Sauce. All right, let's have a little sip of this. I think it's basically going for a sort of barbecue, a spicy barbecue rather than an actual chili. Okay.

Let's have a hoof. It's got a nice smell. It's HP sauce-y. Yeah. Very vinegary. Very vinegary. Very vinegary. So I'm just going to put a little bit on your spoon. Just a tiny dribble.

I'm going to put some of this on my spoon. So yeah, it does have almost like a HP saucy kind of smell. Fruity. Fruity. Yeah, yeah. Not a problem. Here we go. Oh, that's very tangy, like tangy sauce.

Very barbecue-y. That's a burger-y kind of relish, isn't it? And it's got actual bits of apple. I didn't get any bits, but... I've got apple pulp. I quite enjoy it. It's definitely not hot. It's nice, that.

But it's nice, isn't it? Yeah, that's very nice. It's got a bit of a tingle, but it's not... That's nice. It's not for the heat. On a barbecue, like on a bit of barbecued meat, that would be delicious, wouldn't it? On a nice chop. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly. That's what I thought. Like on a chop. that would be delicious, wouldn't it? On a nice chop. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's what I thought. Like on a chop. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Pork chop. That's nice, but it's got very minimal heat. It's very mild. Well, it does say so.

So fair enough. Okay. So we go for the next one up. Next one up. The next one up is- We have got like 20 fucking things to put in our gob. Each one increasing in heat. Well, that's good.

There's a good way around. And this room's fucking hot. Yeah, it's all right. I'm up for it. I've got a sweat on. I'm going to take this off. Fruity habanero is the next one, Paul. Fruity Habanero.

That was my striptease name. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Mine was Necrotic Fuckhole. Right. Right. Let's see the ingredients on this. Peaches is the first ingredient.

Strange. I mean, look, it's a flavour thing I think they're going for here rather than heat, so fine. Strange. Although, you know, I have tasted some sort of trendy, jumping on the bandwagon sort of sauces, which have kind of apples in and stuff, or tomatoes as the first ingredient,

which were really not bad, but that actually tasted quite nice. But it'd be interesting to see what they do with this. So what's this called and how hot is it saying it is fruity habanero it's up to medium hot

okay okay fine I love a habanero it's one of the fruitiest of the peppers and it's quite a hot pepper oh here comes

the hot pepper it's related to scotch bonnet it's very similar oh I'm scotch bonnet yeah you know what one day

I'm just going to do an episode of Cheap Show where I don't transform us into more characters it's like similar. Oh, I'm Scotch Bonnet. Yeah, right. You know what? One day, I'm just going to do an episode of Cheap Show where I don't transform into some awesome... Just characters. It's like every now and then I'll listen back to an old episode and I was like,

why are there so many characters and why can I only do three accents? Well, Paul, don't worry. Don't worry about that now. What's the hoof? It's a delicious habanero

half on that bitch. I know. I sniffed the microphone then and not the bottle. That was weird. Sorry I called the sauce a bitch. Oh, yeah. It sounds a similar smell to all those other habanero ones.

Yeah. I'm going to pour myself a little bit out and then pass you. Oh, it's a bit runny. It's very runny. It's chunky. It's got a marmalade-y kind of look to it. Yeah, that's it. They're fruit.

They're fruit obsessed because it's a peach. Peach is the first ingredient. So those chunks are peach chunks. What's the taste saying? All right, let's it. They're fruit. They're fruit obsessed because it's a peach. Peach is the first ingredient. So those chunks are peach chunks. What's the taste saying? All right, let's go. Oh, it's very sweet. But it's got a kick to the end of it. Oh, that's the kind of thing I think you could have with like noodles or something.

You know what it's similar to? Like a Thai sweet chili sauce. It's got that level of sweetness, doesn't it? Yes, that's it? Like a Thai sweet chilli sauce. It's got that level of sweetness, doesn't it? Yes, that's it. Like a sweet and sour, almost. Oh, that's... Again, it's very nice. You can taste the peach, but it's almost...

I don't know. It complements it. It was almost more orangey-lemony than anything else. Oh, that is... However, if that's only the medium eat, we've got problems ahead, mate. Yeah, because I know some of the stuff that's coming up is fucking lethal.

Yeah, that didn't trouble me too much. No, but again, we're just having it off a spoon. Peach's sugar is the second ingredient. It was very sweet.

Orange in there. I'm glad I saved this coffee. Side of vinegar, lemon juice. That's tasty stuff. I would eat that on something.

I'd eat both of those on something. Which one of those would you have from a necrotic hole? I would have neither and I wish you'd stop saying it. Necrotic. I'm going gonna call this episode necrotic after being also oh sorry

you don't have to listen to this i know we need to lean into it and it's just this episode is like triple x hot one way or the other right okay now this is the third of our dartmouth dartmouth chili farm right sauces sauces mates and this is called goblin oh Dartmoor Chili Farm sauces, mate. And this is called Goblin. Oh, we all like a bit of Goblin. They're not describing anything now. Now, is this going to be drier? I wonder.

What's the heat rating? It's just below hot. So it's sort of above medium, but on their scale, not quite hot. Okay. And that was medium, although it had a kick. It was sweet enough that it offset that heat. It's just not that much of a burn. First ingredient here, tomatoes, then apples. Christ, want to stick

anything else in? Mango, it's like fucking Fanta, this stuff. Fanta madness. Fanta madness. And I've discovered, because I saw an update on the Soda Jerk episode. Oh yeah. Fanta just seemed to be putting the word madness

on random flavoured drinks. Like it's one of those things. Maybe it's a promotional thing. Yeah, it's a whole line of things they're doing. Great madness.

This guy had founded a Shakota one but it said madness didn't say Shakota. Dartmoor Chili Farm Goblin. There's a little goblin on it.

There's a little goblin on it. It's a chilli sauce. A medium chilli sauce with a rich garlic flavour. Ooh. I think these are nice. They're nice.

So far, if you can find the right meal to have them with, they're all very complimentary. Yeah. Because some of you just go, oh, it's heat for heat's sake. And there's very little point outside of shock. What's the half saying to you? This is the kind of thing you'd have with sausage for some reason. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like If you have a nice big sausage Yeah It's that wistful Right go on Too sweet

Too much of it Too sweet Yeah you're right Too sweet That's my least favourite so far And weirdly Didn't have the spicy kick Of the previous

No But it's meant to be hotter Doesn't feel it hot at all No I'm still reeling From the last kick of the last one. From the habanero. Yeah. Do you think it's because it's too sweet?

I don't know what it is. I just don't think that's as successful. It's got less amplitude. No, strange. Strange thing, dear. It's got less amplitude, doesn't it, Paul? I'm trying to demonstrate the concept of amplitude to you. Mate, I have been through this.

Do you see how this has less amplitude? Because you could taste the individual flavours all sort of poking out and fighting each other. Do you see what I mean? That's low amplitude. Yeah. Those other ones had high amplitude. I've been on this fucking road trip a few times, mate.

I know all the route stops along the way. So, now we move on to their hotter ones. Those were all sort of a bit over sweet but for your common or garden barbecue meal pretty nice pretty nice goes with the burger goes with some sausages go some bangers a chop or two definitely ribs not that hot either but that might all be about to change because this is extreme now this is like a novelty pack of stuff like you get this in a little box. These are smaller bottles so you can't hurt yourself.

Right, so I'll look at this one. What's this one? This is Dartmoor Chili Farm Dartmoor Destroyer. I think that's the hottest of the hot. Is this the hottest one? Yeah. Insane heat chili sauce used with extreme caution.

And there's a little sign on the side. What does it say? I couldn't see it. It just says insanely hot. Okay, so that's going to be the hottest. Ingredients. Chilies. 50% Carolina Reaper. And that is the world record holder,

I believe. Habanero Fatale and Habanero Pepper Lantern. Okay, two different types of habaneros. And it says at the bottom, 9 million chili oleof... oleoferson. Oleoferson. Oleoferson. the bottom nine million chili ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie

ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie ollie o On their thing, this goes up to extreme, but it hasn't filled it up. Right. And this is Dartmoor Dragon Extreme Chili Sauce. Now, this isn't... Do you know what? Guess what the first ingredient of this is. Look at the color. Mustard?

Mango. Oh, you called it. Fucking hell. You said mango. They love fruit and chili. I'm not saying I hate it. I need to have a look at this properly. Homegrown chilies, no pesticides, herbicides, green- agey farm, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And it does say extremely hot. This is on the top, exploding the scale. Yeah. That's fun. Well, that's going to be the last one we do, Paul. Well, that's all the stuff we've got in there. I'm not going to eat a fucking dried naga. Do it.

I'm not doing it. I'll do it. All right. I'll have a bite of one. I'm not going to have a whole pop it. I'll have a bite of one. I'm not going to have a whole pop. Yeah. But I also want to try that weird keychain thing that's in there.

Well, look at it. All right, you pussy. Okay. Oh, come on, baby. Come dance. Okay. Now, this is a... What? This is the Dartmoor Dragon, man.

Yeah. And it's got... A hoof to be afraid of. There's some chili in there. There's some chili in there. I'm reloading my spoon with this. What other chilies has it got in it? Let's have a look. It's hab a huff to be afraid of. It's got some chilli in there. There's some chilli in there. I'm reloading my spoon with this. What other chillies has it got in it? Let's have a look.

It's habanero. That's all it is. Yeah. I don't think... Oh. It smells like the abyss. So. It's got a really earthy smell to it.

It's hard to explain. It's like you can taste the soil. Oh, that's a bit too much. All right, you ready? Yeah. Let's have the Dartmoor Dragon. Here we go. Oh.

It's sweet, but oh. It's very sweet, isn't it? Yeah. That's got a kick to it. That has got a kick to it. Oh, God. I've started perspiring from my nose. Oh, that's got a kick to it. Oh, God. I've started perspiring from my nose. Oh, that's got a kick.

That's a hot chilli, man. Oh, God. Coffee! Coffee! We've got one more to go, Paul. What did you think of the Dartmoor Dragon? It's got a nice flavour. It's sweet, but...

It's just like hot sandpaper going down your mouth. That is a hot one. That's a hot one, baby. Naga. Sorry, naga. Those ghost chillies. Oh, shit. Those are what it has, yeah.

Those are hot. Can I ask a question? Yeah. They're hot, right? They're hot chillies. We eat them. Naga's a hot... It's part of recipes and stuff.

Who was the first cunt in history who decided to eat one? Because you'd think because they're chilies they're like that so people don't eat them you know like you know what i mean like well that's yeah they're no that's why they're they evolved to stop predators or they don't know for sure because they are fruit yeah so like the same family as bell peppers and things like that yeah all the same family of plants um and they are fruit and they contain the seeds inside the body of the fruit so you'd think what they want is animal to eat it so to disperse disperse the seeds yeah but then the the caspiscus caspiscus

which is the heat causing i'm having some trouble i'm having some trouble my tongue is on fire but the heat calling causing chemical, capiscum, you'd think that would have been developed in the plants, evolutionary speaking, to prevent things eating it. So they don't know. Maybe it makes things delicious. But at some point, some fucking caveman or whatever, some Roman went, oh, I'm going to put this in my mouth.

Yeah, there's arguments again. There's arguments about that. People assumed that people, that the taste for hot food developed as a way of masking the flavour of food that was on the turn. Yeah. But they don't know.

And they also think it has a sort of, that chilli has a preservative effect on the food as well. Okay. So it kind of a... And it definitely releases endorphins in people. It gives you a thing, doesn't it? Mate, I am sweating my fucking balls off now.

Are you ready for their top sauce? Right, well, this is it. I'm only doing a small amount, man. This is the Dartmoor Destroyer. I think I had like a penny's worth in terms of size on my spoon. Have you been doing less? No, I've been doing that much,

but I'm not going to do that much of that. So I won't screw with it. This is their hottest sauce. Wait there, I didn't shake it like you did. And it's a bottle that is one quarter of the size of the others. Is it still going to be sweet though? Have you sniffed it? I sniffed it and I put the lid quickly back on to shake it

but in that momentary flash of exposure it's a very dry smell. Flash it over, I need to hoof it. Fuck it, it's a very dry smell. Flash it over, I need to hoof it. Fucking hell! Oh, fucking hell! Yeah? I'm going to have to call the ambulance. Okay.

This means business free, like. You're going to have to put a little driplet on. Is that too much? No, it's fine. I'll get you some cake. Oh, God. There you go. you're going to have to put a little driplet on is that too much? no it's fine I'm getting summer cake oh god there you go I'm not going to have too much of this because I had too much of the last one

ready? you ready? chin chin oh god oh god how was that one? it was sweet. Like, all of them have this really sweet first exposure.

And then it hides in your mouth. Okay, that's Carolina Reaper. And then it goes... I only had a tiny bit of that. If I had any more of that... What do you make of it? Oh, mate! What?

After all the fucking fussing and a feuding with the episode where we did the farting. I'm not... Listen, no, nothing's happened. I wouldn't mind if you did it right into the camera lens as well, so Patreon's got to get a good fucking bird's eye view of your dirty... Oh, I can't. I've got a stomach ache. Right, let's have a look at the other shit.

Because there's this and there's this. And I'm not going to go crazy and put a whole one in my mouth. But there's a thing here called... Again, it's all from Dartmoor. Butt, Jolokia, Ghost Naga, dried chillies, extreme heat. So these are just the raw things dried out. Don't fucking keep farting! It set me off.

The chillies... No, the chillies have got nothing to do with your wretched rectum. What would you do with one of these? Use it for cooking. You just put it in the sauce and let it... You could do that or you could chop it finely, but you wouldn't use a lot. I'm just going to nibble the end off. You're insane.

I'm just going to have a little nibble of the end. How bad can it be? That really burns that last one, which was the... I think my tongue's bleeding. Stop doing that! Stop doing what? This can't go on. Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Here we go. Give it a chew. Chew on that as well. Oh, it's actually not too bad. There's not too much flavour to it. It's just really dry, but the heat tingles, but it's not like the sauces. Because you need to sort of masticate to keep it going.

Do you want to have a nibble of this? No, I actually do not want to. It's fine. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Okay, so those are some dried chillies that they provided. Here's what I want to know. This is the one I'm interested in. Well, describe it to us, Paul.

So the last thing here of note, I'm not going to do the chocolate, because honestly, every time we do chilli chocolate, it just makes me want to retch. I hate the combination of chocolate and chilli, by and large. Yeah, but it's a big deal, isn't it? When it's really hot, it ruins the flavour of both. So anyway. We're not doing that, but there was some chocolate chilli in there.

Finally. Finally. There's a thing here, which is... It's chilli no sauce. I'm sweating like a bitch. Not a bitch, like a person. Like a dog on heat. Sorry.

Dortmund chilli farm, fear the reaper, evil vials of pain. Twist vial containing a blend of Carolina Reaper and ghost chilli powder. Okay, I'll do some of this. Come on. And heat rating is bonkers. Bonkers. That's what it says. This is a keychain with a little powder chilli dispenser built in.

I like the look of it, actually. It looks like those little torches you get on keychains and stuff, doesn't it? In electric blue. Chrome. Blue chrome. Right. I'm opening it, and look. Open that.

It's a little metal vial. Oh, he's excited. Hand it over. No, I'm going to open it. I've got to have some real problems here, Paul. I want to see what's inside of it. Is it a powder? Yeah.

You heard what it said. I'm unscrewing it carefully. Careful you don't spill a load of it. You fucking did. I didn't know it was going to be on the lid, did I? They've over-stacked it. Put it back. They've over-stacked it.

That's all. Look, I've got it. I didn't know it was going to be that full of fucking chilli sauce. Oh, God. It's gone everywhere, ladies and gentlemen. There's a dusting apocalypse. I'm going to have to get a... Oh, God.

Paul's opened the wrong end. I didn't open the wrong end. You fucking did. There's only one end. What do you think the end is? What do you think? What other way is there, you dickhead? Unscrew it.

But they put too much in. All right. And now I've got it everywhere. And I have to pee, and I don't want to touch me ding-dong with this on my fingers. I've got real cramping. Right. How are we going to do this? Say something.

All right. Do a dip-dap. Oh, God. All right. here we go. I'm dipping the dustings. Mmm. Oh. That's hot.

Oh, it's hot. And it's all over me. You need to fucking get that cleaned up. Oh, it's so hot. That's really hot. That's a dry. That's a dry heat. That's a dry heat. That's a dry heat.

Shall I get some... I'll get a wet thing. Ladies and gentlemen, this action ends now. We can't get out of the room. Let him out. We need to get... I've got it in my eye. Oh, God almighty.

My eye hurts. My everything hurts. My eye hurts and my tongue hurts To the person who gave us this hot sauce So we can thank you Please get in touch with the show and we'll thank you And also we'll know exactly who to Who to avoid

Going forward with this podcast That was That last two sauces Made me unhappy Yeah too hot. And I got some in my eye. I got some up my nose. You spilt it all over the table.

It's in my eye. My eye's burning now. I've got it all up my nose. All up my nose. I don't even know how I did that. My tongue is in pain. Yeah. We don't have any milk or anything.

Can I have a sip of your coffee, please? Yeah, go on. It really hurts. My mouth hurts. My eye hurts. Here you go I have a sip of your coffee, please? Yeah, go on. It really hurts. My mouth hurts. My eye hurts. Here you go. Have a sip of me coffee, love. Right, so there were sections of the show we were going to do today,

but unfortunately we haven't got a segment to finish the show, so I don't know what the protocol is. I'm just going to... Well, get the emergency protocol. I'm going to get the book out. It's somewhere. Where is it? Hang on. Just have a Where is it? Hang on. All right.

Hang on. Just have a look. Right, hang on. Appendix. What do we do when we've got nothing to do? I mean. Appendix.

So. When in need of a segment for the show in desperate times when you have nothing else to do with no more creative thoughts to help you

with the production of Cheap Show please refer to page 56. 56. Yeah, okay. Emergency segment. Don't get mad. Yay! We've sunk that low.

We need to once again play the game where it's very simple. Eli is not allowed to get mad. And you know what, Paul? I'll try my very hardest this time to not get mad. For those who need a bit of context, a very long time ago in the early days of Cheap Show, we came across a thing called Roll-A-Roll. It was like a board game that was based on a Christian thing. Roll-A-Roll?

Roll-A-Roll. The idea is you rolled a roll and then you had to play out the scenario. And it was all moralistic lessons and things like that. I thought it was called Don't Get Mad. Well, that inspired a lot of schools in America to do their own scenario and it was all moralistic lessons and things like that. I thought it was called Don't Get Mad. Well, that inspired a lot of schools in America to do their own version of it.

Oh. And so Don't Get Mad was something we sourced from the internet which had role-playing scenarios for children to work out their anger issues. Anger management issues.

And it was like, here's the situation, how do you not get mad to resolve it? And so far, I think we've had a pretty good track record with not getting mad.

I'm going blind. Yeah, your eyes are very, very bloodshot. It looks like you've just watched the end of Titanic. Ah, it's burning. My eye is burning. My nose, I feel, I honestly feel like I've got, like, my nose is bleeding. It feels.

There's a warmth on my nose and top lip. That was too much chilli, mate. On my spectrum. What's this called? My spectrum. Filtrum. Filtrum. On my spectrum. What's this called? My spectrum. Filtrum. Filtrum. The ZX Filtrum.

Right. So, you know the rules. We're going to set a little scenario up, and you're not allowed to get mad. You've got to deal with it in a mature, rational way. I will. All right? I'll avoid getting angry. So, I think we have like 100 of these.

So, do you just want to pick a number at random, mate? Two digit number? Two one-digit numbers, random, mate? Two two-digit number? Two one-digit numbers. Because otherwise it'd be four-digit number, wouldn't it? No. Two two-digit numbers. Sorry? You just said two two-digit numbers.

No, I just started on the word two. You said two two-digit numbers. I just started on the word two! Two? You're like my little fucking police officer. I'm going to take a shit! I'm taking a shit! You're too hilly for that!

Pace yourself. I'm going to have my... Pick a two-digit number. I've got my winking bumholes looking through my fly. Because I've got my trousers on backwards. God, you can tell we've fucking scraped the barrel for this episode. Pick a two-digit number. 65.

65. 65. Shut up. We all make mistakes. 65. All right. Okay. Here's make mistakes. 65. All right, okay. Here's a scenario. Okay.

Peter refused, refused to share his art supplies with Maria. Maria felt like just taking what she wanted. What would you tell Maria to do? So Peter's gone, you can't have my paints. And Maria's like, I want my paints. All right? No, they're not mine. They're yours.

You're sharing. You're Peter. I'm Peter and you're Maria and you're the one who can't get mad at the situation, right? Okay, let's set the scene up. I'm Peter.

Oh, I like it when they draw me mummy and me daddy and my other daddy. You should make a fool's and mummy got blonde and daddy got the hair of a... La, la, la, la in America.

La, la, la, la in America. Oh, hello. Oh, hello, Maria. What? Hello. Hello, Maria. Oh, you know, look at us. I'm just painting my complicated modern family structure.

Oh, that looks very nice. Yeah, I'm just going to draw with my crayons and my paints. Oh, very nice. You know what, Peter? Yeah, what is it I'm just going to draw with my crayons and my paints. Oh, very nice. You know what, Peter? Yeah, what is it? I'd quite like to draw a painting too. Well, then there's paints over there, isn't there? No, but can't I use yours?

You've got the nice crayons. No, no, you can't use these because these were made... Please could I use yours? No, these were... Please could I use yours? Please could I use your paints? Maria? Please can I use your paints?

Maria? Please can I use your paints? Maria? What? I wish, I want you to be respectful to my belongings and my things because these colours were given to me by my late grandpa-papa-papa-papa. Oh yeah? Oh yeah?

Well if you don't hand them over. And he came to me with his necrotic hole. I'll tell you, I'll tell you Peter. Yeah? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. What? You can't have people. Because you are so nicely, you are so nicely. I't let people Because you are so nicely You are so nicely

I know I hope you understand You are so nicely Yeah What I'm gonna do Yeah We're gonna Drum roll Ladies and gentlemen

Drum roll I'm gonna go round Yeah Your Widow grandma's place Yeah she's passed on She has No she hasn't

Yeah Not for the purposes of me finishing this scene She's fucking alive It was your grand No she hasn't. Yeah? Not for the purposes of me finishing this scene. She's fucking alive. Oh right, okay. It was your grandad who died. Yeah, it was grandad, but grandmamma died. I'll go round there! Mamma mamma mamma.

I'm gonna go round there! Oh shit, through the mailbox. What? Shit, through the mailbox. It's alright, cos no one lives in the house anymore. It's empty. Alright, well you're gonna have, when you have to split up the house between you and your siblings, cos you're getting the wheel, we'll have shit down the...

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. the house anymore. Alright, well you're going to have... When you have to split up the house between you and your siblings because you're getting the will,

we'll have shit down the hall from where I... No, it doesn't matter because it's not our house. I didn't get mad. That'll be my art. Not our house anymore. You know what, Peter? By denying me these art supplies, you've made a greater artwork coming to the world.

Me shitting down your dead grandma's hallway through the letterbox. La la la la in America. I don't think you're very nice at all. La la la la. Oh, better cultivate some diarrhoea. In fact, Maria, to prevent you from doing that, have all my crayons.

Oh. Have all of them. Well, I don't want them now. But you've got you can't shit in Nanny's hole. I'll shit in this box of crayons. You can't shit in Nanny's hole. you can't shit in Nanny's hole. Oh, shit in this box of crayons. You can't shit in Nanny's hole. You can't shit in Nanny's hole. All right, next one. Oh, you're happy now. How about we swap?

I've never... Okay, you be the one who does try not to be angry. All right, well, then I'll give you the phone, and you can scroll through, and I'll pick a number at random. Okay. So I'm going to do 36. Just give me a second here, Paul.

I'll just locate that one for you. I'll just locate them in here. Oh, don't get my database. Here we go. What did you say? 36, 36, 36, 36, 36. Okay. Yep.

Megan. Megan's parents. Megan's parents. Reminded her to do her chores several times. Right. Megan felt like telling them to shut up. Right. What do you think Megan should do?

We'll play it out as a sequel. I'm Megan and you're the parents. I'm the parents. Right, okay. Oh, I can't do voices. Try. What can I... Fucking hell, Paul, come on.

I'm just getting into it. Hello. I am Megan. That's not Megan. See, this is why we do it this way round, because you're shit. Hello. No, that's not the way to start. Hello.

I did hello, which is a different register. All right. Okay, I'll start. I'm the parent, Megan. You enter. I'll be doing the dishes. I'm the dad. Scrub, scrub, scrub.

Scrub, scrub, scrub. Oh, I need to get some new theory in. See, I'm building the world, Paul. I need to get... Oh, I'm Megan and I'm listening to the latest music on my headphone set. Oh, Megan, there you are. Oh, whatever, Dad, get bent. I'm listening to the latest Miley Cyrus. Megan, can you are. Oh, whatever, Dad. Get bent. Megan, Megan,

can you take them out, Megan? Whatever. Please take them out. Take out your headphones. I'm going to just Instagram. Megan, I'm talking to you. I'm just going to Instagram this. I'm trying to talk to you.

I'm just Instagramming it. I'm talking to you. What, Dad? Could you do your chores, please? When you become me real biological dad, you can. I'll do more than that.

I'll do me chores. I'll become your husband. No, that's weird. Oh, my God. Lol. I'm do more than that. I'll do me chores. I'll become your husband. No, that's weird. Oh, my God. Whoa. I'm just going to Instagram this. No, listen. Look, here's me.

Instagram, snap. Me and your mother. Dad shame. Hashtag. Oh, my God. Yes, very funny. Now, me and your mother want you to do your chores tonight before you go out. I don't have any chores.

You do? Because I'm an independent young woman. No, you have to hoover the... You're hoovering the upstairs hallway. What's this? You're giving me the bird now. Oh, what's this then? That's double birds.

I'm giving you double birds because I'm not doing it. I'm my dad. I've got to go on Snapchat. LOLs. I hate this character. I'm drinking champagne, Daddy. Right. Well...

And my friend Cassandra, her parents never let her do chores because they have housework. Megan, I've told you. I've told you once. Why don't you get a Poland? I've told you a thousand times. Yeah. You know what you're eating

for dinner tonight and for the rest of the week? I don't know. My shit. Daddy. Poo-poo casserole, Megan. Daddy. Daddy. And then if you're really lucky, I'll get your mum My shit! Daddy! Poo-poo casserole, Megan! Daddy! Daddy!

And then, if you're really lucky, I'll get your mum to piss in it after it comes out of the oven. You like that? Mum and dad's poo-poo piss, because that's what you make us look at all the time. Your shit, Megan! Your fucking mess! Your shit!

I don't... I'm sick of it! I'm going to fucking disembowel you! And then I'll shit into your stomach! I'm going to take your shit out! I'm putting the it! I'm going to fucking disembowel you! And then I'll shit into your stomach! I'm going to take your shit out! I'm putting your shit in the freezer! In this cold weather! You could fuck yourself with it!

I'm out! I'm going to get drunk tonight! Lol. Subscribe and ring the bell. Embarrassing dad videos. They're great. Them. Lol.

Hashtag Instagram Snapchat. Wait. Why did you get mad? I got... Because you weren't getting mad. You were just acting like a fucking... Because that's the point of the game. What's the game called?

Don't get mad. Yes, but the version that we play, Paul... Yeah. It's called How Quickly Can Eli Say The Word Shit In The Pants? Shitty shit shit. And I didn't see that coming from you. So I needed to bring up

you know, I thought it was a tour de force of creative embellishment. Right, okay, good. Next one then. Pick a number. Pick a number! Seven. Seven. Oh, right down there. Oh, seven. Oh, but a...

Alan wanted to ride his bike, but it had a flat tyre. Alan felt like knocking his bike over in anger. What do you think Alan should do? That's a shit one. Let's pick another one. No, you know what? It isn't. This is now a monologue piece

where you now have to play the scene of Alan, the bike, the flat tyre, and how he comes to deal with his emotion. Can you just read it out the scenario to me one more time? Of course I will. It's an important actor's process for you now. You've got no one to bounce off. You're on your own. You are Alan. And what's happened? He's process for you now. You've got no one to bounce off. You're on your own.

You are Alan. And what's happened? He wants to ride his bike. However, it has a flat tyre. And Alan feels like knocking the bike over in anger. But what should Alan really do? So, ladies and gentlemen, performing from his one-man show, Alan's Bike, please welcome on stage, performing his new piece, Eli Silverman.

My bike. Sorry, sorry, go on, go on, go on. My bike. my bike. It's because I'm visually seeing you on a small Soho stage somewhere and an audience of, like, hipsters all around in a cabaret style. And there's been a nice little pattering of audience and you've just come out on a spotlight. So this is great. Go on.

I'm there, I'm there. Squeaky Tom, that's what I used to call it. It's nice to see you Squeaky Tom I'll just go for a ride on you My bike My bike My bike Squeaky Tom

Oh, what's this? What? What? You have a A flat tyre? A flat tyre? This... this... it brings up the emotion in me of flat, flatness, flat tyre. I'm always got a flat tire. Oh, it makes me angry. It makes me angry for the whole world.

I want to kick you, Squeaky Tom, you fucking traitor. You traitorous bike. Fuck you. I'm shitting on you. Oh, God, my willy hurts. Thank you very much Bravo Bravo Thank you Oh Tarkin

What did you think Of that moving performance I was actually blown away By his emotion Oh I thought it was so good I loved it I thought

I'm sorry I seem to be talking to a dog Let me move that dog out the way I thought it was I love it. I'm sorry. I seem to be talking to a dog. Let me move that dog out of the way. I thought it was good. Sausages. It's Torquid and the Theatre Critic dog. Very good.

Very good. Very good. Hang on. It's very similar to fucking Richard Brando. No, it's not. Sausages. Can I just say, out of all the characters I've ever come up with, I think Torquid and the Theatre Crit Tarquin might be one of my favourites.

Very poor. Good show. Let's do one more. Pick one more. Yeah, one more. Fuck it. Let's do one more. Can we take one more? Can everyone handle one more?

Let's see how we go. All right, so I pick a number, yeah? 53. 53. Here we go. Max won a trophy in the race, but Bill thought Max had cheated. Bill felt like stealing the trophy from Mike. What would you tell Bill to do?

Well, if Max won the trophy, why is Mike getting it stolen from him? Max has won a trophy in a race. Bill thought Max has cheated. Bill felt like stealing the trophy from Max. Max, yeah. That makes sense. You said Max and Mike. Oh, sorry.

I'm getting caught. So who's Max and who's Mike? So you are going to be Bill. And I'm Max who won the trophy, but you thought I cheated, and you want to steal it back. And the first place award goes to... Max. Oh, thanks. It's all right, this.

I won fair and square with my fucking legs. I ran. Uh, Max. No, it's all right. I won this race fair and square. Max, it's me, Bill. Hi. Hiya, Bill.

Hi. Yeah, it's me. The thing is, yeah. Yeah. You, uh's me, Bill. Hi. Hiya, Bill. Hi. Yeah, the thing is, yeah. Yeah. You cheated, didn't you? I did not take drugs to help my performance in the egg and spoon race. There's a syringe on it that says pure adrenaline. Adrenaline? Adrenaline.

And it's sticking out of your bum. Now, that's my catheter. Let me just get rid of that. It's gone now. I don't worry about it. Now, I won that egg and spoon race. You cheated. Fair and square.

No. Fair and square. You cheated. I didn't. You can't prove it. I think you should give me the medal. You're just jealous because I've got a trophy and you, because you've got stumpy legs and a fat ass,

you can't fucking win nothing. I saw you with your egg and spoon. Absolutely no craft. Is it an egg and spoon race? Absolutely. Yeah, it's what it is. And you have no craft. I'll make you eat this egg.

Chunky finger. Do you know what I did? Incompetent fucking hand-palmed of twat. You can't do fucking egg and spoons, can you? Now listen. Whereas I can. And just so you know,

guess what? You didn't know this. I did cheat. I fucking put glue on the egg, didn't I? And put it on the spoon. That's how I got so fucking through it so quick. So what are you going to do about it?

Because you've got no fucking evidence, have you? Yeah, I haven't got any evidence. You don't have any evidence. You're just a sad fucking little kid. I'll tell you what, Max.

What? Are you not even a kid, you then? I am. I've just smoked a few. All right. I'll tell you what I'll do. I don't have any evidence. You're absolutely What? You're not even a kid, you, then. I am. I've just smoked a few. All right. I'll tell you what I'll do. I don't have any evidence.

You're absolutely right. You're right. I've got you fucking done over. Yeah. You're absolutely right. I'm going to fucking sit in this trophy and pull it all night long until I fill the trophy up with my winner's juice. All right. All right.

Very nice. Yes, but what I've done... What I've done, Max, is I've... Before the race, I was a bit confused about what an egg and spoon race was. I thought you had to eat a bunch of eggs. So I had a huge omelette. Before the race.

And luckily, I've got this super fast acting laxative shot. Which I'm just about to inject right in me bellend. Right. Now I'm gonna shit on ya! Oh, I'm gonna catch it in me trophy! Catch it in your mouth you big cheat!

And the winner for biggest arse gush gravy explosion goes to... Bill! Hey! I got a medal! Unfortunately, we are going to have to take it away from you because we saw you inject the drugs to help you do it. So you're both going to the headmaster's room for a jolly good spanking. Oh no! I like it. I fucking like it. Now, Bill, Max Yeah

You're in here again Yes This is just like last year This is becoming a play It's just like last year I never won anything So I fucking cheated, Ed Master Listen, Max

You'll get your chance to speak now I'm going to talk to Bill first Bill You're using drugs in the bell end Yeah, we're not I know, sorry It's just because I got angry Because bell end Yeah, I know I know, sorry It's just because I got angry Because I wanted to, you know

Because he cheats Max cheats I know, and I've never won anything in my life So I just glued the egg Alright, you two Look, you've both learnt your lesson And frankly, you're covered in excrement So I just want you out of the office

Get suspended, a week Both of you Max, what are we going to do? Bill just want you out of the office. You get suspended. A week. Both of you. Matt, what are we going to do? Bill, we're out on the streets. I tell you what, I've got a fucking hole in me leg. Let's make the use of it. Right, that's it. We're never doing no get mad again.

You say that now. We're never doing it again. You say that now. You say that now, Paul. But when we get desperate, we break the glass. Break the glass. Don't get mad out. Fucking, I hate this show.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, this is the quickest wrap-up ever. Thank you very much for listening to Cheap Show. Again, all you lovely, lovely people. If you'd like to support us on Patreon, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. A little bit of a donation will give you a whole host of new content, from magazines to videos to extra podcasts and more. And you get an extra podcast. And magazines.

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any emails at all on anything you like get in touch with us thecheapshow at gmail.com I'm in a vest today you can go to our website and see pictures that accompany this episode

by going to thecheapshow.co.uk I'm doing an investigation shut up with that I'm an investigator right what else do I have to do what else do I have to mention

yeah social media. Find us on Tumblr. Find us on Facebook. Find us on Reddit. We have a Cheap Show page all across those social media networks. Oh, yeah.

Also on Twitter. Oh, baby. At the Cheap Show pod, at Paul Gannon's show, Eli is... Eli's no idea, Eli, I said no idea. And I think

that's the end of the show. And by the way, stop, people. Can you just stop, people? Stop. Yeah. Sharing that thing with the pickle that's a sandwich. Yeah, people. Can you just stop people? Stop. Yeah. Sharing that thing with the pickle.

That's a sandwich. Yeah. We've seen it. I've seen it. I'd eat it. I'd eat the living shit out of it. But we've seen it. But I've seen it,

mate. And also, also, I've seen Ghostbusters stuff. Have you? I've seen it. No. I've seen it.

So if you think, have you seen this? I probably have. Well, I don't want to be negative and do a big sort of, you know, Ringo Starr. You remember him? Peace and love, everybody, but fucking stop sending me.

Peace and love, everybody, but stop fucking sending me nice things. I'm not fucking interested, said Thomas. Thomas the Tank Engine. Said the Fat Controller. Okay, but just, you know, I think maybe we should perhaps, next time, Paul, Paul, next time that we do the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen... Which is coming soon.

We should maybe try to do a pickle sandwich of our own. I like that. I'll get some cold meat. Let's do it. I'll get the biggest pickle I can find and... Stick it up your arse. And then I'll serve it to you. Right, and that's the end of Cheap Show.

Thank you for listening. Thank you. And remember, don't be neurotic just necrotic hey