CheapShow - Ep 14: The Xmas Christmas Special

Episode Date: December 23, 2015

It's the day before Xmas, and Paul and Eli have forgotten one small important thing... PRESENTS! To right this wrong and make sure consumerism is returned to the heart of Christmas, the boys race out into the snowy London streets to look for that extra special gift! In this dramatic/comedic/pathetic production, Paul and Eli will deal with owning a randy cat, discover how drunk Eli gets based on his biscuit choice, find a curious little shop full of odd nic-naks, dine with a family poorer than Tiny Tim' and eventually discover a demonic toy and a one way trip to the North Pole... They MAY even meet the real (YES REAL!) Santa Claus! So let us amuse you this Xmas with a bit of CheapShow magic! Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Come closer, dear listener, for a Christmas adventure. A tale of two men, some tat, and dementia. In the cold heart of London, in a squalid old flat, lived in by our heroes and a flea-bitten cat. It's Christmas Eve morning and things are not pleasant, cos Paul and Eli have forgotten their presents, in a quest for some gifts that'll make their heart glow. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, mystery.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Christmas tree. So warm yourself by a crackling log fire, as the Cheap Show Christmas special is about to transpire. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Wake up. Hello. Morning. What are you doing in my bed? I don't know. What am I doing in your bed?

Did I have another incident? I remember what happened now. I'm trying to sleep. It's 3.30 in the morning. Suddenly, all I hear is the door explode. You come in shouting I've got fucking biscuits. You jump into the bedroom. You dive

into my bed and you say, move out the way for the snoring superstar. And then you wiped out. What kind of biscuits were they? They were bourbon biscuits. Oh, they're everywhere. Yes, it looks like you've had a very crumbly accident. Well, I may have also had a crumbly accident. Yeah, and when you get bourbons, that means you've had a really bad night out.

You only get those when you've had a bad one. Well, they're the worst biscuit possible, aren't they? As we've discovered. As you've made abundantly clear over the time. Everyone knows what the top biscuit is. Yes, anyway. It's a rich tea with... Nutella.

Plain chocolate. What do you mean Nutella? You can't... Can we not do this on this of special mornings? Why is it so special? It with... Nutella. Plain chocolate. What do you mean Nutella? You can't... Can we not do this on this of special mornings? Why is it so special? It's Christmas Eve morning. It's the morning before the evening before Christmas Day. It's God's second favourite day of the world.

Oh. And we have to get Christmas ready for tomorrow. I've had a very busy Christmas week. Oh, yeah? Yes, I have, actually. You've been busy, have you? Yes, I've been getting... You've had certain actual activities that you've done over the Christmas week. Oh, yeah? Yes, I have, actually. You've been busy, have you? Yes, I've been getting... You've had certain actual activities

that you've done over the last week. Yes, I've had a very Christmassy week, Mr Silverman. Okay, well, tell me. Tell me about it. Okay, well, first of all, I was doing some shopping and I saw an Eskimo go past. You saw an Eskimo go past?

Yeah, I saw an Eskimo go past and he was wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt. And I went up to him. And I said, oh, hello, Mr. Eskimo. Eskimo, remember? I said, hello, Mr. Eskimo. Are you really into Game of Thrones? And do you know what he said?

He said, no, I'm Inuit. That's what he said. I'm Inuit. As in, he didn't really need an Eskimo, did you? It's just one of these... No, I did, and... What did he say? I said, hello, Mr Eskimo,

are you really into Game of Thrones? And he said he prefers the books. Right. So, what else happened this week that you are going to make up as an excuse to shoot? Actually, I also met Father Christmas. Oh, you met Father Christmas? I met Father Christmas because he was shopping in the same store as the Eskimo. Oh, right.

It's a sort of North Pole sort of place. Yes. All the shops were open late and he was doing last minute shopping. Look, the point being is I saw Father Christmas. What was the Eskimo buying? Seal blubber. I don't know. He had a Game of Thrones t-shirt on.

I presume he was buying boxers. All right. Look, the point being, I went up to Santa Claus, Mr. Father Christmas, and I said, Oh, you've got great big sacks there, don't you? He had his sacks with him. Yes, he did. And I said, why do you have such big sacks, Mr. He says, because he only comes once a year.

No. He said because he has to send more presents to more kids. The population's grown. And as a result, it means he has a bigger load of toys every year. So, that's what happened there. Really? So, that all happened to you this week did it?

yes I mean I did go to the doctors you went to the doctors as well yes what was your complaint? well I've been having problems with my skin lately where I've come out in a rash where it's like this mistletoe and holly comes out in patches

so I went to the doctor and I said oh what do you think it is like a rash where it's like this mistletoe and holly comes out in patches. So I went to the doctor and I said, I said, oh, what do you think it is? And he said... And the doctor, let me guess. The doctor said, oh, you've got a terrible case of eczema. It's a skin disease, eczema. Yeah, is that what he said? Is that what he said, Paul?

Yeah, he said that. I'm sorry. Can we stop now with the puns, please? It's going to be a new year, Paul. And I think the puns aren't working for you. They're really not. I know. I'm sorry.

I just want to make you happy. Well, you're going to have to try harder. Well, tomorrow morning, you'll be very happy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You got me something nice? Yeah. You got me a nice present?

Yeah. Well, I have to go out. Why? Because I don't want to be lying in bed with you all day. We've got stuff to do. Who's going to look after the cat? Mr Frisky. Well, you look after the cat.

I don't like him. He gives me the evil eye, that cat. Come on, Paul. Yesterday, I'm pretty sure that cat gave me the cat equivalent of the finger. No, the cat's alright. He flicked me off somehow. That cat flicked me off.

Not my bean flicked me off. He flicked your bean somehow. That cat flicked me off. Yeah. Not like my bean flicked me off. He flicked your bean off. No, he didn't. Are you doing this with the cat again? No. Mr Frisky won't let me. Maybe that's why he's pissed off. Maybe that's why he's pissed off.

That is why he's pissed off. Well, that's why I can't stay in. You've been trying to fuck it. I've got to go out. You've been trying to fuck our cat. I've got to go out. You've been trying to fuck our cat. You just admitted it.

No. You fucked the cat. I once tried to fuck the cat. It's not the same as I tried to fuck our cat You just admitted it No You fucked the cat I once tried to fuck the cat It's not the same as I tried to fuck the cat Well anyway I have to go out That would suggest

That I've done it more than once You don't have to do anything You just have to feed him No but I've got to go out Why? Because You get on with the cat better And I just want to

Very simply Enjoy the snow Enjoy Christmas Eve Go to the park maybe look at the joggers I have to look after our abuse victim cat

and tell him it's alright and it's not his fault every ten minutes and then you go out in the snow all crisp and deep and even and have a laugh that's what you're saying is it? I just thought Mr Frisky would like it deep and deep and even and have a laugh. That's what you're saying, isn't it? I just thought Mr Frisky would like it deep and crisp and even.

That was all. Mr Crispy. Look, I tell you what. Let's just both go out. Fuck Mr Frisky. Don't fuck him. Well. Just bugger Mr... No, go out. Fuck Mr. Frisky. Don't fuck him. Well.

Just bugger Mr. No, I mean. Forget about Mr. Frisky. To hell with Mr. Frisky. All right, then. He'll be all right for a few hours. Yeah, I'll leave. All right, I've got to go out.

All right, well, then I've got to go out as well. Oh, you've got to go out as well. Yeah, I've got to go out. Well, I'm going to go out more. Well, then you go out more. I'm going to be more out. Ooh. All right, well.

Merry Christmas. So they set off to London. One goes north, one goes south. Paul keen and eager, Eli down in the mouth. They trudge through the cold and the wind and the snow. It's crisp underfoot, so let's see where they go. Paul

goes it alone. He's obnoxiously jolly. Finding a present is such Christmassy folly. While searching the shops, he can't find the right gift, but fate will deliver a seasonal twist. Ah, London on Christmas Eve in the snow. How perfectly Dickensian. Now, what should I do? Oh, look, there's Barbara hanging something on the Christmas tree and there's some kids playing with the ducks. Oh, and look, there's Mr. Smith. Hello, Mr. Smith. Merry Christmas. Fuck off. Oh, Mr. Smith. So, to buy a present

for Eli, where do I go? What do I get him? I need to make it special. I want to make it wonderful. I want to make it Christmassy. So I don't want to get him chocolate. He doesn't like chocolate. I'm not going to get him socks because we all know what he does to socks. So what do I... Huh. I've never seen that shop before. Mr Grumplewick's Christmas Emporium. Oh, I must investigate this. Let's go in and see what they have. Maybe I'll get something very special for him. Hello? Oh, hello. Come in, come in. Do come in, yes. Welcome to my lovely little store. It's Grumblewick, that's my name. How can I help you?

Hello. I just saw your shop and I thought I'd have a pop in. I'm just interested. I'm basically looking for a present for my friend. Oh, well, you've come to the right place because I've got all sorts of lovely little things. I've got this, I've got that, I've got little toys, novelty items, anything you like. That's fantastic.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'll happily, happily have a look at what you've got there. Oh, have a little look around, but I've got some very special things. Just, I've ordered them today. They've arrived and I'm, oh, I'm happily, happily have a look at what you've got there. Oh, have a little look around. But I've got some very special things. Just, I've ordered them today. They've arrived. And I'm, oh, I'm just, I'm quite excited, actually. You look very excited, yes.

Yes. And I'm just dying to show you these. And I'll tell you what. Because it's Christmas, we're going to play a little game. Oh, I like games. Yes. You will guess the price of my shite. Okay, well, let's, I'll happily play your game.

Oh, you'll play my game, all right, because otherwise you won't fucking leave. So... Sorry, what was that last bit? You won't fucking leave. No, just checking. Yes, okay. Checking out is definitely a threat.

I've got some lovely little things. Mm. And you ready for the first little thing you're going to guess? Yes, now, I usually play this game with my ugly, fat, hairy friend of mine, who tends to overcomplicate the rules. Who's that? Who's that? Oh, well, he's the guy I'm bearing a present for, Mr. Eli J. Silliman. Well, fuck him. Okay, let's, well, don't. Please don't. I try not to. He was in my bed last night, though, which is complicated and unusual. Are you ready for the first item? Yes, let's get going. Now, this is a real Grumblewick special. Ooh.

Just get it out. Somewhere here in the drawers. Oh, look over here. Oh, let's see. Oh, here it is. Ooh, now that is a pretty little piece of objedar, isn't it? Yes, sir. You see, it's a

lovely little Christmas-based snow globe. It's got Santa in, a Christmas tree, and he's got a polar bear. Maybe it's a little pig. It's a little white pig. Let's have a little look at it. It's definitely Santa Claus. It's definitely a tree. And, yes, there's a polar bear, and I have no idea what that is. You're right, it looks like a pig.

Did Santa have a pig? Well, this one does. Does that affect the price? Absolutely. A bit of fun. A little bit of fun. A little bit of fun. Yes, it's got a base.

It's got a nice ceramic base. It's got little Christmas trees and floating candy corns, I think you'd call them. And it's blue. And you see, you know what's very special about this? It's not an ordinary snow globe. Oh, no. Go on globe oh no you see instead of snow it actually has sparkles oh my sparkles instead of the snow that's a beautiful i hold it up to the light now and it's it's like it's like i can see it falling out of citizen kane's hand yes it's it's beautiful it's a lovely little snow globe well i'm gonna Also, not a toy. It says on the sticker on the bottom,

Christmas decoration. Definitely not a toy. So you don't want to give this to small children or put it near flames. Okay, well, I want a quick look. Yeah, I'm wondering what... Oh, no, they're not corn. That's letters and plastic packages.

Oh, yes, they're little presents. Yes. I'm sorry, my eyesight. I've never heard of Christmas corn on the cob before. No candy corns, you prick. Right, well, so the price of this, I'm going to... I don't know, it's got a bit of... The water's a bit misty, which I'm worried about.

It's as if the polar bear's been taking a bit of a piss. Yes. Or maybe it's that pig that's Santa's striking. The pig has slurried up the water somewhat. It's almost got a cloudy lemonade look going on. So, I don't know. Are you sure it's water in this? Yes, absolutely.

Yes. All right, just check. All right, well, then I'll take a guess. It's hermetically sealed, so unless you smashed it, it will stay in there forever. I'd rather not smash it. It's a lovely little item. What's your guess? I'm going to guess for this it's £1.50. £1.50, that's your guess? I'm going to guess for this, it's £1.50.

£1.50, that's your guess. Now, as you know, the rules of the game are... Oh, God. £1.50, that's your guess. If you're close, you get two points. Right. If you're closest,

but there's no one else guessing, so you will automatically get two points. Right. Now, there's three items. If you get the price, the overall price... This sounds dangerously complicated. If you get the overall price right overall price... This sounds dangerously complicated.

If you get the overall price right... Then I apply the algorithm and the overall price score jackpot comes into play. I don't have to explain that now. Are you ready for your second item? So, £150 on the Christmas-themed snow globe. Right. Good. Just going to find it.

Crazy old bastard. You fucked up Christmas rules. Hello. Just as complicated as fucking Eli's stuff. Whips and chains. Wow. Here you go. Here's the second item.

Oh, wow, the second item. It's a Matchbox Grand Prix F1 car. Grand Prix car, yes. It's still sealed in its box. It's sealed Matchbox Grand Prix F1 car. Grand Prix car, yes. Prix. It's still sealed in its box. It's sealed in its box. That means it's worth something, right? Yes, worth something. And on the back, there's a little drawing of an elaborate track system for you to roll.

It actually has the dates from 1992. It is a 1992 original, is it? Yes. A Matchbox, and it looks in good nick. It's obviously not come out of the package. It's a bit wear and tear around the edges, which I'm guessing is going to reduce the price somewhat. It's a collector's item.

Seemingly so. It's a lovely little thing. It's MB-14, if you're a matchbox model aficiado. It's a lovely little thing, and I like to rub it on my open wounds. It gets me going. Got no wife. Right, I'm just going to take a guess at this price.

Have a guess at this price. Oh, it's got a little white helmet guy in it. It's got a lovely little white helmet. It's like a little Lewis Hamilton in it, isn't it? Well, no, because he's... Well, no, but he wears a white helmet. What are you suggesting? I'm not suggesting anything.

Shut up. Let's skirt around this. Just guess the fucking price alright okay I'm going to guess that this cost you how do you show up matchbox sealed

it's probably in a bucket so I'm going to say maybe 75p 75p that's your guess maybe downplaying it but you know this is not like

this is not the Blues Brothers mobile it's not a rare matchbox car it's not Hot Wheels are they worth quite a bit then Hot Wheels Hot Wheels tend to be cost more they're the

ipso facto were they made by Matchbox no see do you know what makes them different between Matchbox and Hot Wheels what

is that these are just basically axles right or the wheels ran on whereas Hot Wheels ran on ball bearings in the wheels

which meant a smoother run make a smoother run so they were all coasting on I see so whose fucking shop is this you come in here

try and tell me about my stuff. 75p, you dick! All right, all right. So. Now. 150 for the snow globe, 75p for the car. Let's see. Now.

Your third item. Now, this is something very special. Very special. Really of its time. You're going to love this one. I'll just get it out for you. I've been impressed so far with the price. I don't know if particularly I would like them

because he's got base tastes and anything that isn't pornography or weed. Well, maybe you'll like this one. This is more towards the pornography even side of things. Here it is. What do you think of this? There you go. Very threatening. This is a book and it's the LWT, or London Weekend Television edition.

The original logo. Yes, of The Professionals 2. Long Shot is the title of the book. Now a tough, all-action TV series from London Weekend, written by Ken Blake and published through Sphere Publishing. Now, that's interesting. I'm just going to read the back of it now, see what the plot's about. The blurb. Men like Ray Doyle... Oh just going to read the back of it now. See what the plot's about.

Men like Ray Doyle. Oh no, sorry, I read that wrong. Men like Ray Doyle, an ex-CID man with gentle blue eyes. This might be gay. It's not gay. The guy who's written the book might have a fondness for Ray Doyle. An ex-CID man with gentle blue eyes, a winning manner and a deadly gun.

And his partner, Brody, dark, pugnacious. An ex-paratrooper with some very special skills. Oh, yes, this does sound like porn now, doesn't it? Gives the big A, the action squad, its ruthless character. Tough, aggressive and ruthless. All right, don't over-ag it. We know they're men. They answer only to their boss in their bitter, lonely war against crime.

They are very special men with a very special brief. A novel of excitement to suspense based on the action-packed series from London Weekend Television. Yes. Doesn't say anything about the plot, but the writer definitely has a major fat hard-on

for those characters. Well, who wouldn't? It was a lovely show, brilliant show, by today's standards, utterly racist and sexist, but, you know... Well, what wasn't back then? What wasn't? I mean, at least it wasn't fiddling kids like everybody else.

No, that was all the rage, I just didn't find out about it until recently. That's the drama. They weren't the fiddled kids, they were good, honest men. They were professionals. They were, exactly. And they give it the big A, judging by the back of the book. They're right up the big A. Now, let's have a look at this.

Let's have a look. The professionals. It's in good nick. It is in good nick. It looks like it's unread. No, look, the spine's in very good condition. Unsurprising, really, because it's obviously doggerel. It's been read once by the guy who bought it,

who obviously ejaculated so hard that he could not go through the process of reading this book again. So I'm just going to take just a random page here. I'm going to put my finger here. Oh, it's chapter nine. All right, you read it in your very delicate voice. Well, now, let's see. Tony Bastable's body was brought back from London

en route for Portsmouth, for Tony had been of naval folk. Cowley, Bodeley and Doyle went to see their fellow agent off, standing silent and grim in the chilled stone place, with the confined body between them. Dick Mason and Tully Carruthers, Jim Bain and Bill Wellesley, the others, those not on duty, attended this stupid, silly, really unnecessary parting ceremony.

There would be no attendance at the funeral for them. They had other things to do, things that Tony would have approved of. Thank you for reading that out. It makes more sense now. OK, so, the book. It's not going to cost that much, I don't think. I'll be honest with you. So what do you say? What do you say for the book? Remember, I won't let you leave Grumblewick's Emporia of Christmas Tat without guessing correctly.

I'm going to say 50p for that. 50p for the book? 50p for the book. £1.50. You're spot on with the book. 50p, exactly. Yay! Yes.

The snow globe and the most expensive item, that was £2. That was £2. So it wasn't too far off. You said £1.50, did you? That was closer than saying that, I don't know,

a penny. You were way off with the Matchbox car. Holy shit. It was £1.50. A good 100% more expensive than what you said.

Well, I think it's because it's sealed. They thought they could get away with it. They, I say they. It's me. It's my shop. That's how much

I'm fucking charging. Well, good now that I know, although I would still pay £75. Right, any of those good for your friend? There's the Christmas globe with the special sparkly books. Unsealed F1 matchbox car.

I mean, sealed. Sealed. Well, I might get him the professionals book because Eli's definitely closeted. Right, no, none of those are good for me. None of those? None of those are good. Hang on.

I have exactly the right thing. I'll just pull back this curtain. What about that then? Isn't that a lovely little thing? Oh my God, that's perfect. I'll take it. Very good. Lovely little thing.

Lovely little thing. You take that thing. Lovely. Bye. Meanwhile, across town, Eli roams the high streets, ignoring the smiles of the people he meets Shopping is hard and he hates all that hassle He hates the decoration of the tinsels and tassels

Right, get a present for Paul Quickly, quickly get a present for Paul And also, just try and forget I was actually in bed with the guy a few minutes ago. Merry Christmas, Mr. Hairy. Oh, brilliant. Yeah, jolly, whatever. Bickered. You got that in my face? Yeah, you deserve it. Right, so what am I going to buy Paul? What does Paul like? He likes cats, he likes Ghostbusters. I can get him a ghost cat.

How would I do that? Kill a cat. I could kill a cat. Kill a cat violently. And how could I get it to haunt him, though? I'll kill a cat. Just as it's about to die, I say, Paul Gannon did this to you.

And then I'll kill a chicken or something to do the voodoo spell. How many things am I going to have to kill? I don't know if I could kill anything. I'm hungry. I wish I had a biscuit now. I must have had loads of biscuits last night. I wonder what I was doing. I was out and drunk eating biscuits again, I guess. Oh well, here's Christmas. I'm allowed to.

Oh, mate! Are you all right? Merry Christmas, son. eating biscuits again, I guess. Oh, well, here's Christmas. I'm allowed to. Oh, mate! You all right? Merry Christmas, son. Yeah, Merry, Merry Christmas. It looks like you've had a tough time on the streets yourself. No, I haven't been on the streets. No, it's fair enough, mate. Look, you look famished, don't you, mate? I tell you what, why don't you come back to my little novel where we're having a little Christmas of our own? Oh, yeah? Well, no, I couldn't, really.

We're having some food. I'm not a tramp. We're having a noodley Christmas, mate. I'm in.'t, really. We're having some food. I'm not a tramp. We're having a noodley Christmas. I'm in. I'm in. Noodles? Yeah, we're having a noodley, noodley Christmas. Instant noodles?

Oh, of course, mate. 30p. Oh, lovely. Oh, come on. That sounds absolutely lovely. Come on, get out of the cold, son. Come with me. Come with me.

Come on in, mate. Thank you. Come on in. Come on. It's a meagre little hovel, but we call it home. Right, yeah. So, I tell you, we're all getting ready for dinner, so take a seat, mate, take a seat.

Yeah, OK. I can't actually see any what you'd call furniture. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. We're a big family. Not an officer, let's go round. Johnny! Johnny, come over here. Johnny, get on all fours, mate.

No, no, no, that's fine, really. Get on all fours, mate. You're a chair. No, no, no, that's fine, really. Get on all fours, mate. You're a chair. He doesn't mind. He doesn't like... He likes staring at the carpet. Go on. There you go.

Comfy, isn't he? Comfy, isn't he? Ah, yeah, actually, he is. All right, so are you ready for your meal? Yeah, I'm starving. You're very lucky to be in the presence of what we like to scrape together with a few little pennies.

Well, I'm very grateful that you're going to share these cheap eats with me. Always a pleasure. Always at this time of the year. You've got to look after others, don't you? Yeah, you do, yeah. Right. All right then, all right, let's get this party started. Let me get the first tray in. Okay.

Ooh, what's the first item that I'm going to taste well we're gonna do a little bit of a sweet tooth thing we're gonna start off with our own tray which is a cornet brand chocolate Swiss roll and how much was this oh this was simply a pan it was it was a pound and it's as long as me arm it's a quite a lot of cake there yeah good foot and a half of cake. Well, I've got 12 kids, so I'll get an inch each. So do you want to have a little go at that? I'll have a go, yes. Get your teeth frowning

going. Doesn't look too bad, actually. Describe it to me. It's brown, flaky. It's got some cream in there. Oh. Yeah. What do you make of that, then? It really is like damp cardboard.

You what, mate? It's like sawdust. No! No! Sorry, mate. No! It's just not very nice. Oh, God. You can really taste the money.

We've wasted a quid on this. Oh, my God. If I had to guess, son, what would you give it out of ten? I've got to tell the family something. Really poor. I mean, I just wouldn't go for that. It's just not good. Let's have a try.

You have a try, old man. I'll have a little try of that. Yeah, that's not good. It is. Yeah, I can't give the kids this. I can't give them that. It's really cloying. I can't chew it.

It's just damp. It's like... It crumbles. It crumbles. Oh, you know what? My kids are raised on a diet of fancy McDonald's meals. They won't go for that. So, yeah, I'd give it three out of ten.

Three out of ten? I don't blame you. I don't blame you. All right, then. What have we got next? Well, we're going to have a little bit more Choccy Woccy Woo. Oh, okay. Right, this is the...

Oh, I thought upside down. Where are my glasses? Here we go. Walker's Chocolates of London. Walker's? I thought they made crisps. Yeah, well, they apparently... It doesn't auger well, does it? No, not at all, no.

Is it salt and vinegar flavoured chocolate? No, not at all, no, no, no. This is a chocolate brandy liqueurs. Chocola aromatis du brandy. Du brandy. Du brandyy I do, Du Brandy You do, Brandy Do you want to have a little try of that? A little soup son of Choccy Wok

I'll have a little go at this Oh, it's quite dark looking Now, I don't want to get all Brandy on your Beautiful furniture Don't worry, it's the chair Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, here it goes. Oh. Well. He scoffs it down. He guzzles the innards. Well, not too bad, actually. Yeah, I prefer that to the cake, definitely. How much was that?

Oh, that was £1.50. £1.50, yeah. You think that extra 50p helped? It's the quality. You're getting the quality. Oh, I'm going to give it a little go. I'm going to leave it a go. I'm £1.50, yeah. You think that extra 50p helped? It's the quality. You're getting the quality. Oh, I'm going to give it a little go. I'm going to leave it a go. I'm going to leave it a go.

Give it a little go. Oh. It's all right, isn't it? All right, walkers. Quite a nice brandy taste. Yeah, walkers. They've done a good job there. Yeah.

Quite sweet. Ah, stick to your crisps. Yeah. Stick with what you know, son. Yeah. That's what my dad told me. And that's what I'm going to tell my kids. Alright, good. Well, here they all are.

Why don't you tell them? Family! Family! I love you. It's Christmas. No, I thought you were going to say stick to what you know. Oh yeah, stick to what you know. I had a speech all lined up. Fuck it. Right, now for the main meal. Are you going to ask me what mark I'd Now the speech all lined up. Fuck it. Right. Now for the main meal.

Are you going to ask me what mark I'd give the Walker's Brandy? Oh, yeah. We're sticking with that, aren't we? Yeah. What would you, if you had to rate it? Out of ten. Out of ten. Six.

Seven. Seven. We've got one more left, son. We've got one more. Brilliant. We've got the main meal now. The main course. You are going to love son. We've got one more. Brilliant. We've got the main meal now. Oh, the main course. You are going to love it.

I am. It is roast chicken noodles. Sorry? Roast chicken noodles. No, no, no. But you said the whole reason I came back is because you said you had turkey noodles. I meant roast chicken.

Oh, now you say that. I'm very sorry. It's not how I usually lure people to my place. How do you usually lure them? Paxo. Little trail. A little trail of Paxo? Yeah.

Okay, so roast chicken noodles. And these are made by Golden Sunrise. Oh, yeah. I've given it a stand. Roast chicken flavour. There you go. It comes with its own little fork. I love a noodle.

Yeah. It's got quite a chickeny flavour coming off it. You'd hope so, wouldn't you? You would. Roast chicken. Oh, he's gulliesing it down. I'm just going to have a taste of a bit of the broth. When will I, will I be famous? No broth. Oh! Now, that is quite a

nice noodle. Really? Of course you always have to pimp a noodle with scallions, also known as spring onions. Aye. Sweet corn, I love to put in. Oh yeah. Also of course soy sauce and chilli sauce. That's your basic pimp on a noodle, I'd say. Well, that's a bit out of our range. Well, that's fine, I understand. All we've got are a shit chocolate roll, half-decent liqueur choccy, and you're guzzling our only bowl of noodley noodles.

So, very nice. You're eating like a pig in front of my family. What would you rate it? Go on, tell my family what you'd rate it. Now, I'm going to be harsh on this because noodles, and this is a very sort of westernised noodle, hasn't got any fucking kick in the flavour pack. Also, it's only got one pack of soup base.

A good noodle will have two or more, an oil packet, a wet pack and a dry pack, and maybe some dried vegetables. Right. So, bearing that in mind, I'd say six. Six out of ten. Only six? Six?

And you've eaten the whole lot of it? Yeah. In front of my family? Sorry, it just smells in here. Your family are all mute. Not mute. They're just in awe of such a hairy man. Well, what can I say? This was shit. The food was crap, apart from the brandy and the noodle. Right, that's it! Get out!

Alright. Get out! Alright, I'll leave. Sorry. Get out! You right, I'll leave. Sorry. Get out! You dog in my door! All right, sorry, old man. Get out! I'm going. Bye. Bye, everyone.

Well, that was an absolute waste of time. No noodles, for one thing, and I still haven't got a present for Paul. What am I going to do? There's no shop. Hang on. Mr Grumbleick's Christmas Emporium. Now that's a turn up for the books. I'll just go in there and get him a present. Yes, that's what I'll do right now. Here I am on the street, Christmas Eve morning, Eli Silverman about to walk into a shop. I'm going to step in the snow. Yes, stepping through the snow.

Left, right, right, left. Here I am, looking at the shop door. I'm going to reach out. Put my left hand on the shop door handle. Yes, turning the handle now. Now I'm performing the action of a man entering a shop. Hello? Oh, hello. Come in, come in, do come in, yes. Welcome to my lovely little store. It's Grumblewick, that's my name. How can I help you? The boys arrive home, eventually, their presents all wrapped and under the tree. Paul heads to bed early and gets himself snug.

Eli finds a fiver and fucks off to the pub. So now it's Christmas Day morning and there goes the alarm. The lads awake slowly and they stretch and they yawn. Oh, it's Christmas morning. You're in my bed again. What are you doing in my bed again? I couldn't resist it. I was out late. I just needed somewhere to crash, Paul. Well, since it's Christmas Day,

I'm going to let you off, all right? It's a very special day and I will not have you ruin it, all Day, I'm going to let you off. All right? It's a very special day and I will not have you ruin it. All right? I just want to go downstairs and open my present because I know you got me a present. I know.

You got me a present. That's why I was out so late. I had to get you a present. Yes, well, I got you a present. Oh, I'm... So it's good to know that you got me one too. Well, good.

Yeah, I'm glad you got me one. I'm glad... Because you might not have. I'm glad you're happy. And then you'd feel like a proper twat, wouldn't you? Well, let's go downstairs and find out who got the best present. Yeah, let's find out.

Yay! Present, present, present, present, present! Yay! Present! Oh my god, I've got a present from, who's it from? It's from me. It's from Eli Silverman. That's you! Just open it, please. I'm going to open my present now. Behave. Here's your. Just open it, please. I'm going to open my present now. Behave.

Here's your present. Thank you very much. From me to you. Because I love you. As a friend. As I like, I am alright with you in my presence. Good, I'm glad. So, are you going to open the present?

Yes, I'm going to open my present. You open your one at the same time. Alright then. One, two'm glad. So are you going to open the present? Yes, I'm going to open my present. You open your one at the same time. Alright then. One, two, three. You got me a big Papa Hamster doll. Yeah, because I went to this shop and the man said it was special. What shop? Oh.

Grumble Sticks? Yeah, Magic Christmas Emporium. Grumble Stick, that's where I went. Yeah, that's where I went. Yeah, that's where I went. He said this doll was special and you'd really like it. He said this doll was magic. Yes. This Big Papa Hamster doll. Yeah.

So how much did that cost you then? It cost £10. That cost you £10? Yeah. You paid him £10 for that? I paid him £10. Do you know how much it cost me to get that doll? £10?

No. I had to do a lap dance for his pet cat. What? I had to take my clothes off for a cat on a couch. It snorted catnip off my bare belly and smacked me around for a bit. That's not nice. No, it's not nice, but it's what I did for you. Well, I'm glad you did.

What, did they have music? Was there some kind of stage? Yes. It was The Only Way Is Up by Yaz. Oh. I didn't really go for it. That, I'm glad you did. What, did they have music? Was there some kind of stage? Yes. It was The Only Way Is Up by Yaz. Oh. I didn't really go for it. That's not a sexy song. So, like, we're both stuck with the same toy now that we both don't want. Well. That aren't

magical in the least. They might be magic, we don't know. Well, I don't know how to activate them. Well, it says here on the label. Yeah. Big Papa Hamster needs friends to activate his magic ends. Oh, yeah. If you put Big Papa Hamster with any to activate his magic ends Oh yeah If you put Big Papa Hamster with any of his friends Magic things begin to happen

What do you think? He's friends with himself? Shall we make them touch each other? Let's make them touch Alright Ooh Ooh It's glowing up

It's glowing It's all throbbing in my hand Ooh, it's... All the fur's gone sticky His little cheeks have blown. Ooh, it's all the fur's gone sticky. His little cheeks have grown up all red. Ooh, his eyes have gone green. Ooh, it's shaking. Ooh, the whole house is shaking. Oh, I don't like it, Paul. This is

bad magic. Ooh. Hello. I'm Big Peppa Hamster. Oh, hello, Big Peppa Hamster. Nice to meet you at last. Hello. I can make all your wishes come true. All of them? How many wishes exactly? One. Just one wish.

Oh, right. Just one. OK. Well, I've always wanted to meet Father Christmas. Yes, and I've always wanted to go to the North Pole and see where he makes all his fantastic toys. Should you wish? I think... I can't think of anything else. Okay, if you just rub my tumkin and say what you want, I'll make it come to life. Okay, let's rub it. Okay.

Rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it. I wish to go to the North Pole. And I wish to see Santy Claus. Oh, God. Where the fuck are we? It's freezing. I can't see anything. There's nothing here.

Oh, my God. Who's that in the red suit over there? Oh, God. Who are you? Who do I look like? I'm Santa fucking Christmas. Hello. Hi.

Look, we wanted to go to the toy factory. Listen, sunshine, there's no fucking toy factory, right? But we made a wish. Yeah, a lot of people make a fucking wish. You know what? I wish I was 20 years younger You know what? I wish I was 20 years younger. All right? I wish I could see my dick. But it's freezing here. It's so cold. Yeah, that's right. It's fucking cold because it's the North Pole. It's 50 below. You'll die in a few minutes. We're going to die in a few minutes? We're going

to die. But you're Santa Claus. You're Father Santa fucking Christmas. Can you get us out of here? No, I can't fucking help you, son. I don't fucking exist. Sorry, the magic part where you were magic to the North Pole, that fucking worked, that's real. But Santa Claus somehow is not real. It's completely inconsistent and a bit of shit. But you should know that by now

because this whole last half hour has been fucking terrible, hasn't it? So, basically, I don't exist, you're in the North Pole, you're both fucked, happy Frismas. Oh, my God, we're going to die. I can't believe we're going to die. We're going to die.

In the North Pole. On Christmas Day. Well, it's been nice knowing you. I've always hated your voice. Silent night. Holy night. All is calm. Thanks for watching!