CheapShow - Ep 140: Irish Jimmy

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

Special Guest: Stuart Ashen. This week Tat Lord and YouTube botherer Stuart "Ashens" Ashen finally agrees to rejoin the CheapShow chaps for another edition of the economy comedy podcast. To celebrate, Paul and Eli pull out all the stops and gift him with something both delightful and painful. Merry yet depressing. Random yet straight laced. Yes, we are granting Stuart the gift of "Derek: The Storyteller From HELL”! This story may be the most anti-climatic yet! But don't think for a minute that Stuart gets all the fun stuff. No, we found a bargain board game called "What's That Smell?"... And some of those smells are NOT nice. At all. Hold tight! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-140-irish-jimmy If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid @Ashens If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

There is no zone. Watch. We know we're in the zone when Paul does his voice changes. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Cheap Show. Phone voice is on. It is. My podcast voice is my Cheap Show voice.

Oh, fuck. Shut up. Give me 10 seconds of silence. All right. It's the hardest thing, isn't it? Do you know what 10 seconds means? Do you know what 10 seconds means? Right, five will do now.

Oh, fuck you. I was waiting for the full ten. Well, I was going to give you the full ten. Oh, no. But you asked me to pull out and I only gave you the top two inches. The subversion starts right from the start, doesn't it? Yes, it fucking does. It's Cheap Show.

What do you expect by now? I just want you... I want you to play fair. I thought you were going to say die then, to be fair. Anyway, you can do the intro today. Okay, hello everybody. It's cheap show time again. It's me, Eli Silverman, and I'll be taking you, along with my co-host Paul Gannon,

through various shops that sell things cheaply. Four fucking years and we can't get an intro right. It's just sad. Or second-hand items. Such as... It's just sad. Such as... Yes, run it down.

Charity shops. Yes. That's a big one. Yeah. Second-hand stores. Bazaars. Jumbo sales. Discount stores.

Fates. Fates. Tom Bowlers. Tom Bowlers? Discount stores. No, we're sounding like... Flea markets. We're sounding like literally...

Thrift stores. Flea markets. Boot sales. And charity shops. Of Great Britain. Who's doing the intro? I forgot, I forgot! I thought you were taking over the intro from there.

Right, anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of the site? This is George Gannon saying hello. Eli Silverman.

Welcome to Cheap Show. We're not going on a nuzzle. Hello, Mr. Silverman. Hello. Let's just get it straight out the way. He's been on the show numerous times in the past. I don't know why. But he has, but only in a live capacity.

And we thought, you know what? Let's give him... It's what, let's give him the full fat future experience. So ladies and gentlemen, please stand up. If you're driving, stand up. If you're on a bus, stand up. If you're sitting down, stand up. Everyone stand up, and please,

salute the majesty of Mr Stuart Ashen. Thank you, thank you. Please don't stand up if you're already standing up Because that's probably Some sort of Horrifying existential event Oh no

But if you can How would you stand up higher? If you were standing up If you were standing up How could you stand up? Get somebody to lift you up Like in Titanic I'm having a vision now

Oh here we go Of your whole skeleton Just going Straight up Coming out of the body Yeah Pulling itself out And then the rest of you just collapses into a heap of jelly.

Hello Stuart, welcome to the show. Thank you. That's an image. So, how are you feeling? How are things? I'm alright, thanks. How are you doing, guys? You know us. It's the same grotty little podcast with a heart of gold. But it's a nice location. It's alright. We are recording once again at the Soho Radio Studios in Soho. And we have there reasonably nice looking, but unfortunately does resemble a Weatherthunes pub interior.

It's well like, it's mock Tudor. It is. For want of a better description. Yeah, very mock. And it's got a very Soho selection of random books on some shelves. Yeah, I've actually looked at the books on the shelves. There's a free copy of Shindig magazine out there. Oh! Two free copies.

Maybe. We've arrived. Chief Show has arrived in Soho. So what? Let's have a look at the books. They've got How Art Made Pop. What's Harper's Shortener? Shorter.

Harper's... French English. French English translation. You need it in Soho. Non? Mais oui. C'est bon. French House. French English French English translation You need it in Soho No French house That's a famous place in Soho Have you heard of this? I have

They will only serve you half a pint Why? It's a French house It's not an excuse is it? Oh my god you've killed my children It's a French house It's a French house You can buy two halves

Stop shagging my wife It is's French house. You can buy two halves. Stop shagging my wife. It is French house. They just don't have pint glasses is what it comes down to. So they only serve half? If you want to get a pint, can you ask for two halves? You can. And will they serve it with disdain? No, you don't say a pint. If you say, oh, can I have

a pint of? They're like, oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. You mean two halves? Yes. They If you say, oh, can I have a pint of? They're like, oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. You mean to halves? Yes. They will literally say, we only serve halves here. We only serve. Well, that's alright because you're tiny. Yeah. Yeah? Because you're small. I'm a half-breed, am I? No, I didn't say half-breed. Well, you implied half-breed.

Well, that would presume you're something else. No! Was that the word? No. Is that the fuck? I'm sick of this. Let's just eat some fucking crisps Oh Let's segway out Halfbreed sounds like nightbreed And there's a Clive Barker's A to Z of horror

Oh Where's that? He's off Just over there Never distract me like There's a book on Edvard Munch Oh hang on Oh that's the most Ponce London name I've ever heard

A thousand years of a London street By Mike Reid, not that Mike Reid, surely Oh, I hope it is that Mike Reid I'm going to have to go and look, hang on Terrific London, terrific No, not that Mike Reid either Which Mike Reid did you mean?

We're talking about cuddly Radio 1 presenter Mike Reid Racist, Brexiteer Yeah And they've got two copies Hey It is him It's not terrific then No it's R-E-A-D but it doesn't necessarily mean it's

Racist Calypso man So just at random What's tickling your fancy about this book Just the history Yeah really I just want to see if it's Mike Reed or not I'd love that though I'd love that Oh yes it is him

It starts off by saying about about the author, right? So what's the first thing you think of when you think of Mike Reed? Twat. The DJ. Yeah, twat. That Calypso-style anti-EU song he did a couple of years ago. Yeah, maybe Mike Reed's pop quiz, something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, wait for it. Mike Reed was created a Knight of Malta in 2011 and is chairman of the British Plark Trust. Presumably that's plaque, actually, not plaque. Like teeth. Yeah, it's like bad teeth. That's right. If you want bad teeth, go see Mike Reid.

It can't be the Plaque Trust, because that'd be like the Tumour Trust or something. Don't say the actual symptom of the thing you're against as the name of the trust. You know what I mean? I'm going to be honest. It's Plaque Trust, as from the blue plaques he'd be lucky like wouldn't he well that's the whole thing with the streets of london thing

isn't it as well yeah it all ties in it's like kenneth williams lived here between 1965 and didn't let anyone of his guests use the loo no no did you know that yes i did how fucking uptight you have to be you don't allow your close well closest loved one he had to shit in your house he had problems massive bowel problems in the end i've got the same problem with your place except with me i just i'm frightened to use the toilet in your place fuck off well i don't know what's down there do i what's lurking a load of shit in the dark obviously what else is down there what What? I've got super rats, do I? I've got super cannibal rats in my loo, do I?

With shark fins. Super cannibal rats in the loo. With shark fins. Super cannibal rats in the loo. That never caught on. With shark fins, though. You've got to include shark fins. Shark fins.

Shark fins, mutant rat in the loo. Shark fin, mutant rat in the loo. In the house of vehicles. Watch your bum. Here we go. Right. Tony, loo. In the house of vehicles. Watch your bum. Here we go. Right, Tony, draw that. You're listening, Tony. Draw that.

Oh, God. Don't do it, Tony. Be your own man, Tony. No, be ours. Can I just point out that Mike reads book that they have two fucking copies of. It costs 13 quid and is the cheapest, shittiest vanity printing I've ever seen. It looks like one of those unbound, whatever they call it, the roughs, you know,

the unbound roughs, that kind of thing. It's basically print on demand from Amazon. Yeah. Well, there you go. A quick sojourn.

What's the word? Sojourn? Tranche. Tranche. Holtus. Listen. What? Stop nicking my fucking stuff.

Yeah? Don't look. He's guilty. That's why he's rubbing the table. Do you know what that is in body language? You're trying to clean the table. Trying to clean your bad morals. Trying to clean yourself of the guilt.

You did look like a little boy who'd been pulled up by the headmaster. Do you know what I mean? I saw you doing that graffiti, Gannon. Yeah. Stop nicking my words. Look, if I'm going to be psychologically judged by anyone, it's going to be him. All right? Not you.

Don't say poltergeist. I'm pointing and you now have to guess who I'm pointing at, listener. That's right. It was Henry VIII. Paul, what have we got coming up on the show? We have got coming up on the show we're going to do a Ganon's Golden Games. It's not a classic in any sense of the word.

Is it Ganon's Golden Games though, is it? It's a game. It's Ganon's Games. Does it need some kind of jangle? It needs me to do some kind of thing, doesn't it? You can wait my hurry when it comes to jingles, alright? I can wait your hurry? Yeah, you can wait my hurry. What the fuck?

What? I've never heard that. Have you heard that? No. Don't try and pass that off as something that people actually say. That's what my family would say. My mum would say, what? Wait my hurry.

Meaning what? This podcast has destroyed me. You know what I mean? No. We just started. Let's have a little situation. Yeah. I'm your mum, let's say. And I've got some kind of large array of vegetables.

No, they're not going to go in an oven. No, I'm just going to put them in the oven. That's at the beginning. How is it you remember that? At the beginning of this scene. What do you mean, how? It ha remember that at the beginning of this scene what do you mean how it haunts my every waking moment

this image but yeah but you've got to the point is we're going to role play this and then you're going to say

what was that stupid meaningless thing you said you can wait in my hurry so we've got to wait until you're ready wait until you're convenient yeah that's what it says

I saw it Paul Paul I need some help putting this vegetable no before you go any further So we've got to wait until you're ready? Wait until you're convenient? Yeah, that's what it says. I saw it on your arm. Paul, Paul, I need some help putting this vegetable... No, before you go any further, you've not done your customary... There we go. Paul, I really need some help putting these large vegetables into this oven. But you're doing something. Oh, mother. Oh, mother.

Oh, you can wait in my hurry. Okay, I'll wait then. So people are Welsh now? Oh, mother. Oh, mother. Oh, you can wait in my hurry. Okay, I'll wait then. So people in Wilsh now? Look, all I know is that my family have coined, well, not coined, but used that term when I was growing up in terms of if you're being impatient, you can wait until I'm ready. All right?

You can wait in my hurry. All right, then I will. I don't know if he's telling the truth or not. It's true. All these years I've known you, I've never heard you say it. I've phoned me mum. Don't do that again. No, to be fair, when she phoned, I did not know it was her

because she was putting on a voice. Wow. Did you hear about that? No. A 27-hour broadcast, not record-breaking talent. Stuart was there for it. He came. I wasn't there at the time you had a random call

from your mother impersonating another person. I've not heard this story and now I am interested. His mum called in. When we were at like the 26th house and we were both a little bit and my mum calls up and she spoke to the producer

and she goes I don't want him to know it's his mum so I'm going to do a silly voice. So I'm on the phone oh we've got a caller for you right

and then it's like I can't even remember what the accent was she did she did some kind of What was the gist of what she was saying? It was like oh you're very good

but oh you swear a bit don't you and oh I've been listening all night and it's all fun. And I'm listening going, who is this mad bitch? Who is it? I just talk nice and get her off the phone as quickly as possible. And turned out to be his mum.

Yeah, because she goes, don't you recognise the sound of your mother? And the whole world just fell out of my arse at that point. I was just done. I was so close to the end. Eli's content for that podcast was shouting out bus numbers that went past the window. There was a lot of bus action going on around there. To be fair, after 24 hours, the brain's gone. Do you know what I mean?

What are you going to talk about? I had to talk about what was around me, such as the buses. The buses outside. You need video games. These Twitch streamers can do it. Oh, yeah. We should do Twitch. Have a laptop with Fortnite on or something. Yeah, I'll can do it. Oh, yeah. We should do Twitch. Have a laptop with Fortnite on or something.

Yeah, I'll put Fortnite on. Oh, God, please, no. I only found out recently why it's called Fortnite because I was thinking it's an American company. I haven't gotten a clue. Apparently, it's because in the game, it takes you two weeks to build a fort. Yeah.

Something like that. And that's why they call it Fortnite. I don't think they understand that it also means to... I don't know. It's to do with the regularity with which the island shrinks in half. Every two weeks in game time. Yeah, yeah. And they call it fortnight.

Or it takes all night to make a fort. Yeah. Something like that. It's to do with the periodicity of it. Oh, no. So it's nothing to do with a crazy themed party set around a fort. No, it's not like that. No, it's not like that, is it? It's just sort of buy this new thing.

Sounds like a 90s comedy that never was. Their whole business model is totally evil. It totally just exploits. It's astonishing. It's the ultimate freemium model, whatever. Because it's totally free to play, and you have no disadvantages if you don't give them any money whatsoever

in this online tournament. Oh, really? But, wait for it, it's become like a playground thing where kids get bullied if they don't buy the right skins. Literally default, as in the stuff you get, is like an insult. It's like going to school wearing

off-brand Nikes. Exactly, yeah. Blue Flash trainers instead of the green Flash or something. It's really bad, isn't it? That's solidly depressing. Kids should be bullied the old-fashioned way, like I was. Absolutely. Face down the toilet. Fire crackers down the front of the pants. Did you have that?

Liquid napalm in the ear. Stink bombs in the mouth that you crush and then stick in and then seal their mouth. That's hospitalisation. And potential death. Needle in the rectum. I do remember stink bombs, though. You don't see those around. What?

I think they were one of the ones that didn't get into the modern era because those old jokes all exist now. You can still buy, you know, splatter vomit,

rubber vomit. Fake poos. And those black face soap. Hello. Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Chief Show, I do have to apologize. You are of your finest,

most racist soap, my good man. No, you know what I mean, though, guys. No, I don't. Yes, I do. It's dirty face soap. Yeah, when you rub it, it makes you old. I think they did call it black face soap.

They might have done. Because there was also red face soap. Yes. Maybe that, but there's probably a version of that still. There is, yeah. But stink bombs, I don't think they've got through to this modern health and safety style era. Last time I encountered a stink bomb was about, Jesus, 20 years ago. Now I feel old.

When I was working for a pensions company and we went out for a nice lunch with the whole office and some old bloke who was a bit of a tit let off a stink bomb in the restaurant. Wow. And everyone had to leave? Well, you couldn't kind of leave. And the staff knew who it was and came over and said, have you done this? And the manager was all like, excuse me, I think we'll

find we're professionals. And we were insulted that you would in some way insinuate that one of us would be as childish and ludicrous enough as to set up a stink bomb in your establishment. And we're all just like, it's fucking Roger. He's a weirdo. Roger the weirdo. And sure enough, they found a stink bomb under the table.

What kind of mentality is that? It's not good. You know what? He bought his wife. In a future cheap show, we are going to do. He bought his wife. I thought you were going to end that sentence. He bought her a stink bomb or something.

That's the end of that anecdote. He bought his wife. Yeah, from Russia. Oh. I think it was somewhere East Asian. It may have been Malaysia. I can't remember. If you remember, just tell me.

No. What price did he pay? Well, he never went to that. You can't afford it. Oh, fuck off, Paul. You can't. You can't even pay me back 20 quid. How are you going to pay for a Russian bride?

I owe you 20 quid. I know. That's why I'm bringing it up now on the podcast, so you remember. Anyway, on the show today we've got Gannon's Golden Games, it was a discounted game It's reasonably new but I got it £5 down from £20 originally so that counts And then, to mark Stuart being here

we're going to all listen to the latest episode of Derek's Storytime, it's episode 3 It's episode 3 I'm so excited and yet terrified All I can tell you is that Tom from Weekend Lolligaga, who's been giving me these, and apparently now I'm the custodian of the tapes,

he's going to send me them. That's like being given, I don't know, Jeffrey Dahmer's diaries. I don't really want it. The Pankese tapes have seen that. How many more are there? There's one more story, but apparently, here's the twist of the last story.

It's a UFO one, apparently, but there is no ending. There was never an ending. It cut off, so we don't know the ending. So maybe we can invent one When we finally touch on that last story Is Derek still alive? Can we ask him?

No, I'm going to speak to Tom about that Because I want to get a kind of He's going to send me a breakdown of his life And all the stories He's been sending you Derek's breakdowns on tape Yeah, he has So we've got a Derek story today And it's called, I think

Jimmy the Irish Orphan Now I Derek's story today and it's called, I think, Jimmy the Irish Orphan. Now, I... Fucking hell, we've hit the mother load. What could possibly get wrong? I honestly don't know the content. What's on your mind then, Stuart? What do you think?

Well, knowing Derek's previous stories, this is just going to be... This is going to be horrendous. There'll be some racism towards the Irish. Yeah, absolutely. We're racist views of the Irish. Racist stereotypes at bare fucking minimum. Yeah.

There will be inappropriate magical realism. Yeah. Because every story's interesting. Every story's both a massive disappointment and a wonderful experience at the same time. It's hard to explain. You kind of want it to go over the edge into madness, but it never quite goes there.

That's why it's like a dream. Instead, you're left going, what? Yeah, that's why it's like a dream, Paul. That's why it has a surreal quality, because surrealism, as it was first formulated, was maybe a mixture, half and half, of two extremes, contradictory states, such as dream and wake consciousness. When you said it doesn't tip straight over into full madness,

that's what gives it that dreamlike quality, because it's almost... It's almost realised, but it's not quite realised. You know what I mean? It's almost totally absurd. But he kind of tries to hang on. Yeah, he does. So we'll be analysing the story afterwards using Dali's paranoiac critical method.

It is a long one. It is a long one. I will say that. It's 20 minutes. Oh, God. I think he's a man who's into the female form in a sort of kinky way with sort of... I think it was, you know,

the way that the haunted Hoover, you know, totally sucked off his home help's knickers and they were red lace. Yeah, well... They were red lace. Yeah. Well, they're red silk. There was no female nudity in the first

where there was a man. There was a female tiger who died after seeing a massively distended penis. The power of the distended phallus

slays the feminine, you know, the feline feminine. I think that's all we have time for, for Arbitrary Psychology. Do you know what I mean, though? Imagine Freud just poking his head around the door and just nodding. I'm not getting my hands dirty with that shit. Right, before we kick off the show, Stuart has brought a little offering to the great Eli gods.

Stuart, what have you brought for us? I have brought some potato chips, specifically Zapp's potato chips. The dill chip with zip. Fucking hell, what does that mean? It's Potbelly brand dill pickle flavoured crisps. I'm making noise. Oh, wow.

That's what that makes me think. I will warn you, they've been crushed up a bit in my bag and they went out of date approximately a year ago. So they may not be as crisp as they should be. Eat them. I've literally been holding on to those for about two years to give them to Eli and finally remember.

Thank you very much. He could have given you them early, but he actually wanted to wait for the date to go out. It wouldn't be Stuart. In date food. If I have to eat this shit, so do you. Right. I think we may have had their ranch flavour zaps.

Maybe. I think they're quite a famous crisp manufacturer in the States. Okay. I had a, on the subject of pickles, Paul, I had a pickle flavoured noodle the other day. Oh. And amino. It's mentioned. It's one of my top noodles.

Amino, which is a Polish brand, gherkin flavour. Yeah. You know what I put in it your dick no balls none of it none of my junk

dick and balls yeah if you're going to be childish about this we are we definitely are I put in some

preserved mustard greens Chinese preserved mustard greens chilli flavour probably enough you think I'm a been more mustardy. It's called Fishwell. That's the name of that brand I use. Eat the crisps.

Eat the crisps because I'm not interested in your noodle stuff. If anyone is, because we're going to do that, I think we're going

to pimp a pickle noodle as well as do a pickle sandwich where the bread of the sandwich is pickled. That's all coming up, guys,

on Eli's Urban Noodle Country Kitchen. No, Eli's's Urban Noodle Country Kitchen. No, Eli's Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen. Thank you. There is a subtle difference. Let's get the hoof on these. He's having a hoof.

Oh, Stuart. Oh, I got one. I'm sampling that. Oh, Stuart. That's one to get out of context. Stuart. Oh, mate. You seem very pleased with these.

Fucking great. That is pure gherkin flavoured scratch and sniff out of Brent Cross in the 80s. Oh, God. I love that. Let's have a huff. It's got that, you know that kind of pickle? Oh, fucking hell. You're not flatty, boys. That's

got a great huff. That smell is a meal in itself. I'm going to tuck right in. These are nice. They're like kettle style. Sort of, you know. Oh, yeah. They're nicely made crisps. Still got a crunch. That's good.

That's good. The crunch and botulism. Yay. You go get the crisp botulism. They're not as crisp as they once were, you can tell. Well, yeah. But still, there's a crunch on it Apart from that Fucking hell mate

Yeah Yeah Five out of five That's a top Crisp mate And would you like to put your Tackle in No

You know what Paul You know As strange as it seems Isn't that like a fleshlight to you I can No Oh god Do you

No one wants to hear you suggest that I put my shit... Your crispy, pickly chunder. No. Chunder? What? So I vomit in the...

No! I eat all the crisps, I vomit into the packet, and then I fuck the packet full of my own vomit? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Now you're talking. Now you're talking. That sounds like one of those VHS tapes you could send off for in the back of Viz in the late 80s. What, he's going to eat crisps then now?

Are you going to try these? No. Because I know I'm not going to like them. You are such a wuss. No, the difference is, between you and me, is that I'll know they're disgusting, so therefore I'll avoid the sensation. That's not even like an insect or something. It's a normal crisp. I just don't want to have a pickle flavor.

Oh, go on then. I hate pickle flavor stuff. At least you have some fucking dignity and you'll eat something on this. I'm just surprised I've drunk all my water so I can't take the taste away afterwards. Genius. Oh, go on then. Go on. Oh, they're not too bad, actually.

I don't want to be Fortnite bullied by Eli because I didn't have crisps. Oh, default. Oh, God. No? I quite like them, actually. Yeah, you can tell they're not quite as crisp as they once were. Not too bad, though, for being a year out of date. Yeah.

You know? Foil packet. I ate this fucking podcast. Didn't you like those, Paul? No. Really? They don't taste anywhere near as potent as they smell.

No. And that bit of subtlety gives it something. I think that's a delicious and excellent product and I love the artwork of the cartoon-style pickle rendering. Right.

Great. What a way to end the segment. I'm happy. Let's just crack on with the show. All right, crack it on. Crack one off? No, crack it on. I'll crack it off. No, you won't.

I'll jack it. Not into the packet. I'll vomit the packet, and then I'll jack it with the packet. Can I end this segment, please? I want a fucking vomit packet, Chris. Shut up. Anyway, welcome back to Cheap Show. Have you had a good time during the three seconds since you last heard our voices?

It's been ages for us. Oh, so we're going to play... What's that smell? No, fucking hell. The one time I gave you a set up to say Gannon's Golden Games. No, but I don't like saying it when you ask me to say it. In that case, we'll just crack on. Gannon's Golden Games!

Oh, that was painful. You know what? You only have to listen to it on and off. It's like listening to a queen, it's like listening between a... It's like, shut up! Gallant's Golden Games. It's literally like a cross between... Gallant's Golden Games. It's like Bruce Forsythe... I'm creeping out a bit, that one. Go game.

It's like Bruce Forsythe's worst impersonator. It's Bruce Forsythe and a Haribo advert. Yeah, go game. Have you finished? It's time for... Go game. It's time for what? That's the one.

Go with that. Go game. Yeah. Don't listen. You've made this podcast a mockery. And on... Yeah, yeah, games today... I hate you. We're going to play a game called... What's That Smell? Itery. And on Yagya Games today. I hate you.

We're going to play a game called What's That Smell? It is. Today on Gaz Golden Games. What's That Smell, Paul? Yes. Well, What's That Smell was a board game I found at a toy shop called The Entertainer. They're a brand. They have stores around the country.

And they were selling off a load of board games quite cheap. This one originally was 20 quid. I got it for a fiver. Bargain. So it count as a cheap show ready segment as a result. Yeah. But what's the game you say? He's very stipulous about, you know,

making everything on message with the cheap. Has to be cheap. Has to be at least, what, 75% off? Yeah, at least. Or below a certain amount. It's just I believe the topics in this show should be inspired by the things we find in charity shops, pound lands, bazaars, jumble sales,

discount suit stores, thrift stores, in charity shops, poundlands, bazaars, jumble sales, discount suit stores, thrift stores, flea markets, and other, right? Charity fates. And then that sounds familiar. But we don't just go,

let's talk about rainbow. You know, like, this is what you said last week. I, oh. Actually, quick, quick interruption. This is an update. Not only did Black Lakes make a second album called Party Party 2,

Jesus Christ. but they covered on it Russ Abbott's Atmosphere. I love a party with a happy atmosphere. The thing is, you'd think, oh, Black Lace must make a good version of it, because you know what Black Lace are like. No, it's actually more interminable and annoying to listen to their version. Yeah, it's weird. It's like they mess around with it, and they fill it with, to be fair, a lot more sound and production than Russ Abbott.

It's just their voice is inherently awful. They're terrible singers. Paul, but didn't you say that we thought there was one on that album that we looked at? Yeah. That was written by them?

One of the filler tracks. I think it was actually Do The Congress, those. Oh. Because every song they've ever written has never been from their mind. Agadou came from a German holiday camp that they changed the lyrics to.

So they just ripped it off. Yeah. Well, literally, the story goes, we mentioned it in the last episode, but basically, the story goes is they managed a holiday camp

when, have you heard this? Held a recorder, recorded it off the speakers and then they went home and translated it into Agadou. My God, it's like something off Father Ted. Yeah.

Bloody hell. Well, I look forward to hearing that story again on the way home, which is when I was planning to listen to the last podcast. We do a lot more to it there. But, Paul. Yes.

So, you said, do the do-do-do the conga was theirs. Do-do-do, come on and do the conga. Do-do-do. But that must have been based on. A train around the floor. So, they just sort of did a version of a conga dance. Because the. Updated it.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, the usual conga is. Da-da-da-da conga. Da-da-da-da conga. That's not theirs. All right, you stop that. So is Do Do Do The Conga the only song they ever charted about fucking eels? Yes, apart from the band The Eels.

Ah, please fuck us. The number three hit. Right, anyway, we're playing What's That Smell? And it's a very simple game. Basically, you get a box full of little cards that you scratch and you smell them. You've got to guess the smell. And there are other things that we'll go through as we play the game. Did you actually get this from the entertainer or did you find it in Mr. Biffo's bins?

No, Mr. Biffo is now no longer allowed to buy smelly things. He's not allowed smells anymore. Is there a moratorium on it? Every time I go to his place to film the minis, he's bought more what I would call a pet cemetery. You know, it's just animals and jars of things. And like, oh, I didn't know it was a sexual arse electrode. Just check it, Biffo.

Paul, do you know what he does need more of? Vetoing on his eBay account? No, he needs just to build the channel. And it's not me who's saying this. Oh, really? Fuck. There's been people saying stuff. What was that character?

Fat Pig. The Fat Sal character. This character's old. This joke's old already. I think there should be more Fat Sal on that channel. I'd like to recast it. Who? Who could possibly?

Who could play it? I don't know. Let's just put Toffee in a dog's mouth and then give it to the puppy. It'd be the same difference. Fucking hell. Oh, that's Larry. Larry will do it. Larry will do it, actually.

He's game for everything, that poor bugger. Sometimes you go, no, don't, Larry, don't. And then he goes and does it and you think, fair play. I'd never do that. I enjoyed his Dr. Robotnik at the live show. That was possibly the high point for me. And there's Peter's string theory. Oh, God.

Which is both arousing and horrifying at the same time. That may have been a low point of my life. God knows what it was for him. High point of ours. We're playing What's That Smell? There are six cards ahead of me that you will both smell, right? Randomly. Ahead of you?

It's weird you used the temporal dimension for that. I have seen my future. There are smells. Shut up. Lying ahead, there. There are smells. Shut up. Lying ahead, there will be smell cards. You know what? When we do a podcast

with a guest, I tend to realise quite quickly where the guest takes sides. I've already seen this. I've already seen this going on, this little whatever. You're the games master.

You're Ganon. Ganon Golden's game. Ganon's Golden games. Aren't you? Cast them as your big lead in your movie. The Golden game is Ganon's and you are Ganon. Cast them as your best fucking mates, aren't you? Cast them as your big lead in your movie. The Golden Game is Ganon's and you are Ganon.

And all your best fucking mates, aren't you? Let's do our special handshake. Bang. They have one. I'm upset. We were in the film, Paul. Which we're not going to mention. I can't believe how that incredibly bad handshake we just made went.

That was not good. It wasn't bad. It had two aspects. Nobody's going to believe that. Bump and sprinkle. Bump't bad. It had two aspects. It was a bump with a little... Nobody's going to believe that. Bump and sprinkle. Bump and sprinkle. Ooh, that's good. Bump and sprinkle.

Ooh, love it. You can do it. My favourite of the Rice Krispie elves. Bump and sprinkle. Now we're all doing it. Okay, what's that smell? There are six cards. Each one has a scent.

Have you started? Because I can smell something. Have we started, Paul? Shut up. Have we started, though? up Have we started though? There are six smells ahead of us That you have to smell You've got a piece of paper that asks you to name the smell

What you think, what your memories are We'll go through it bit by bit But we have six ahead of us At the end of these six smells The winner wins The loser has to smell one of the Or then I will make you both smell something horrible Because I have to give the audience something Alright so there's six smells And only one of the uh well then i will make you both smell something horrible because i have to give

the audience something all right so there's six smells and only one of them's horrible no well they're a mix there's there's actually on the uh explain on the back there are six categories no sorry seven categories of smell available there is tutti frutti so this smell will be something fresh that grows on a tree or artificial flavour These are just general headings I thought there was only six smells in the whole thing No, there's loads of different smells See where the money went now I thought there was only six fucking smells in the whole thing

Where do you think they find all these smells? Was there a smell researcher? There is, there's a load of work No, come on, the world of smell is a hugely But there's got to be something quite sort of distinctive though, isn't it? Like petrichor or something. The smell of the rain.

You can't just have a faint smell of granny or something. Nobody's going to be able to work with that. Well, let me explain. I like a faint smell of granny. You fucking hound. Horrible monster. I'm a horrible monster now. Yeah.

Fuck you. Right, here are the categories of smells you can expect. So we had tutti frutti. There's also sweet stuff. So sugary things could be natural, baked or bottled. You know what else is a sweet smell? Mate, I just want to get through this next bit. A corpse.

Really? Rotting human flesh. Does it depend on the level of rot? Has a certain sweetness. Just want to get through this. The top note is the sweetness, and then behind is the putrefaction. Get me out of this podcast. And then right at the bottom, it's brute.

I've got my legs stuck in the podcast. Can you get me out? this podcast. And then right at the bottom, I'm stuck. Brute. I've got my legs stuck in the podcast. Can you get me out? Paul! What? Come on, what else? Right, spice it up. From cinnamon to garlic,

this is a spicy smell. Oh, yeah. Blooming fresh. This could be a rose or the cut grass or fresh peppermint. Smoke factor. Earthy, leathery, smoky.

What more can we say? All things chemical. You may find these scents under sinks In medicine cabinets Or in the forgotten corners of the garage And finally, just plain stinky These are not air freshener material Think farts, cheese and unwanted wafts

Or Eli I've showered I've showered That's all I have to say Alright, okay, well let's start the game I don't smell bad In real life, everybody Do we have to pick the category as well as the specifics?

No, no, no, no This is just telling you what to expect So we have six categories We'll do one each So you can both have a smell And then we'll go through all six But Eli, I'm going to let Stuart pick Because he's our guest

What number would you like to start with? One, two, three, four, five or six Can I have number five, please, Mr. Gannon? Okay, number five So you've got to be careful All you can do, because if you move the bottom flap down, it reveals the answer. Oh, yeah, that's what she said.

So, if you move the bottom flap... Is that what your granny said? That's what my granny always used to say. Right. So, what you'll do is you'll... Unfold the flap. Shut up! Just shut up! Fuck you. Just shut it! Right. Continue. I'm sorry you'll... Unfold the flap. Shut up! Just shut up! Fucking hell. But don't reveal the answer.

Just shut it! Right. Continue. I'm sorry you had to see that, Stuart. I enjoyed it. You will move the flap up, run your little card across, and then sniff, right? If you move the bottom flap down, it will reveal the answer. What about the game, though?

Please do not refer to my penis as my little card. Well, I can't think of any witty. There you go. Right, so run that little bit of a card across the top. There you go. And that should release the scent. Literally scratch and sniff. Yeah.

And then you sniff the card itself, hopefully. Ooh. Ooh. Now, don't reveal it because, obviously, you're against each other. So once you've had a good sniff, pass it to Eli. I don't know the answers They are as secret to me As they are to our players

It smells of fucking cardboard Well maybe smell the green bit Oh I see Perhaps I'm smelling the wrong bit I was smelling the wrong bit There you go That's what she said No

Can we not Can we just put up in it She says a lot of stuff She does She never shuts up Does she Only something What are you I'll let Eli have a go Before you say anything Okay so I This bit yeah She says a lot of stuff. She does. She never shuts up, does she? Always something.

I'll let Eli have a go before you say anything. This bit, yeah? Yeah. So give it a rub and then give it a smell. Oh, now. Yeah, I know what that is. Yeah, I think I do. Okay, so all you've got to do is guess. So you get five points for a guess and then you've got to put it in a genre.

Do you think it's a tutti frututti smell, a sweet stuffed smell, spicy, fresh, smoky, chemically, or just stinky? So you put what you think the smell is, then you tick the box with the smell category. Okay, I cast my vote. And then it says smell association. Your funniest memory with that smell. It's like the BBC trying to get us to write jokes for it or something. Fuck off.

Funniest memory to do with this smell. You know what, let's just skip that because otherwise we'll just go, unless you think of something, we'll skip that.

So we'll just worry about the guess itself, right? Gotcha. Okay. We'll be here all night. It will just be five points for the correct answer and then an extra point

for the category correct. Right, genre guess, yeah? Yeah, so... That makes sense. Ready? Playing this competitively. This is quite good. I can see why it was worth a lot.

You've got one, two, three, four... Seems quite effective so far. Yes, it's a good little party game, isn't it? Number three, please. One, two, three. There you go. Same process. We're not revealing yet, okay.

Scratch. Hide your answers. We'll reveal all at the end. This flap? Yeah, the top three. There you go. Same process. Oh, we're not revealing yet. Okay. Scratch. Hide your answers. We'll reveal all at the end. This flap? Yeah, the top one. This. Oh, God. Just tell me.

You just... This bit. So, flap. Got it. Right, thank you. Rub your card against the flap. Have a sniff. I'm giving it a good rub.

He's giving it a good rub. He's very vigorous. Oh! Actually, you know what? I haven't smelled these. I'm going to have a little smell. Oh, if that's... I'm intrigued now. That's what I think it is. I don't know what? I haven't smelled these. I'm going to have a little smell. Ooh, if that's... I'm intrigued now.

That's what I think it is. I don't know what that is. I'm looking forward to this. There's a certain familiarity. You know what? I don't know the answers, but I'm going to play along as well. Makes the right noises. Ooh. Oh, dear.

I've discovered I'm not very good at recognising smells. I actually thought the last two were about the same. Yeah. You can see that the base that they use to

make them is a similar substrate. That's sometimes the problem with Biffo's scents because all that have that chemically base smell which sometimes overwhelms

it. Are you both happy with sniffing it? What number was that, folks? That was number... Number two. No, that was one, two, three. No, number three. That was number five.

No, five was the first one. I said number three. It doesn't really matter. You just put it in order when you write it down. You've got them just... Yeah, but just make sure they're in order. I'm keeping them in order. Okay. I'm getting competitive now. Alright, good. Just warning you. Pass us that. I'm going to lose this really badly. Well, remember, there is

a horrible stench For those who Lose So Stuart You've got pick a smell mate Can I have six please There you go sir Rub it and snuff it

Snuff it and huff it Then jack it Open this panel to reveal Smell zone Zip it, smack it, then jack it. Open this panel to reveal smell zone. Zip it, smack it, then jack it. Any of these hitting, Paul? No? Oh, God, again. They're so similar.

Smells the same to you, yeah? Well, not completely the same, but... If you want to be a bit more vigorous, by all means, go for it. I don't think I'll be playing this game a lot. It all smells like Poundland. It really does. These are all aftershaves. I don't know.

I think there's a definite... Have a sniff. Oh, yeah. I know what that is. Oh, he's got it. Oh, bloody hell. Oh! I know what that is.

That smells like my nan. I see. Oh, I'm playing along now. This is good. It's a good game, mate. I like it. Extra value. All right. Okay, so... now. This is good. It's a good game, mate. I like it. Extra value. All right.

Okay. So hopefully my smells are good. I would be horrified. Who picked last, Stuart? So Eli, you're next. You've got one, two or four. Go for four, please. There you go.

Jacket. Jacket. Whack it and jack it. I'm going to scrub it, then snap it. Well, that's a good one. So far, has anything particularly stuck out of you? Have you found this easy? Well, there you go.

Oh, no! Oh, that's a nasty one, man. All right, hand it over to Mr. Stewart. Oh, fucking hell. All right, hand it over. This one isn't going to be soap, is it? Here we go. Stewart's now going to sniff the stinky card.

There's no other word for it. Sniff my flap. Sniff my dirty flap. Oh, bloody hell. That's bad. That's properly bad. What is it? It's really bad. Oh, fucking hell!

What? Tiny fraction of a second of nausea. That really is effective. All right, let's have a sniff of nausea. That really is effective. All right, let's have a sniff of this one. Oh, baby. Are we doing digitiser or is this cheap show, Paul? Oh, yeah.

Is this digitiser or cheap show? That was a vom moment. That was bad, wasn't it? Yeah. Well, if you are going to vom, could you do it in the empty crisp packet? Oh, yeah. I wonder if you were playing it up for the camera.

You really weren't. No. Fucking bad, man. Oh, God. I wonder if you were playing it up for the camera. You really weren't. No. Fucking bad, man. Oh, God. What number was that one? That was our fourth. Our fourth number. That was our fourth. Oh, yeah, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. All right, Stuart. Oh, God, that's stuck in my nose. It's a bad one. I'm glad you had that one first so I didn't inhale too deeply. All right, we've got one and two left, Stuart. What would you like? Two, please.

It's number two. I just realised number two isn't a good thing. Number four was number left, Stuart. What would you like? Two, please. It's number two. I just realised number two isn't a good thing. Number four was number two, everyone. Aren't you witty? Aren't you a witty man? The curse, Paul. The curse. Well, that was definitely a nasal nightmare.

Yes. Oh, God. So potent. They seem the nasty ones are more potent, so this is obviously not a nasal nightmare. Oh, God. So potent. They seem the nasty ones are more potent, so this is obviously not a nasty one. No, this is very much not. Stuart's having a little wonder. This, to me, is like the first one, but more potent.

Oh. I mean, I don't know if there are repeated smells. He's got a little hint of the stink from the last one. I need to clean my little card in the sink or something. You're going to have to wash your flap out. Oh, there it is. It's stuck to this. Sniff that one. I need a new card, man. Alright.

Give me a different card. There you go. Thank you. Would you like a new card? I think those cards have been besmirched. Oh, it's a croissant. Yes. Oh yes that was nice better than garlic what was your other one

uh snot snot it was a sock cross between a snood and a sock now that put it over your head

have you sniffed it yet I'm gonna sniff this one this is number what four four no this is a five of six so it's our penultimate smell I know what that is

alright give it a hit I'm gonna have a sniff he's too good he's too good oh oh I don't so it's our penultimate smell. I know what that is. All right, give it here. I'm going to have a sniff. He's too good. He's too good. Oh. Oh, I don't... You two are such losers. Like there's a rabbit.

I don't know. It's... I don't know. I'm just going to have to put that down and then put that one on that one with that one. What am I talking about? Shut up.

I put that one in there for the hell of it. Right, and now... Last one. Last one. So you get to start this one. There you go. Statistically, this could be another bad one. Which means nothing, because any of them could be.

One in six should be. I've got no idea. I'm making it up entirely. How many categories are there? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven categories. We can actually work out the probability. No, you can't, because I picked them at random and there's all these ones left as well.

Presuming an equal amount of each. Equal distribution of each, Paul. So that is the assumption to make. Don't get on the maths, yeah? We can do it. You cannot do it. Ooh, that was vicious. Maths roasts.

The most vicious of all roasts. Maths roasts. I'm warning you, I'm already getting a pre-smell of this. Trigonometry motherfucker Yeah that's a nasty one That is a nasty one Yay Sniff it

Give it a huff Not as bad as the last one Judging by your reaction I don't know what that is as well That's a strange thing Usually if it's revolting You can pin it down Yeah I think I know the category

But not the Yeah Well the category I can guess From your reaction No it's not It's not the category I first thought Now I am intrigued, sir.

Here we go. It's exciting, this. Oh. It's a strange reaction. It was like the silence of the lambs. I know what that is. Okay. Right, I don't think that is a stinky one. No, I don't think it is.

I'm going to have a little look. Do you know what I think it is? Oh. I think it's a chemically one. Oh, no, no, I've't think that is a stinky one. No, I don't think it is. I'm going to have a little look. Do you know what I think it is? Oh. I think it's a chemically one. Oh, no, I've gone different for that. I've got to be... Maybe I'm mostly just guessing. I feel confident, which is usually when I fail the hardest.

So, you know, like... And that's my favourite one. That's your favourite smell out of the whole lot. No, no. You failing magnificently is my favourite thing. Just say it. I love it when you fail. I love it, Eli, when you catastrophically fail.

Right. To fail is art. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, let's see what the scores on the doors were. So, it's What's That Smell? You first chose number five. And Stuart, what did you say you thought it was? I went for peppermint

Peppermint This is the first one, yeah? Yes And what category would that be then? I would put that under blooming fresh Right Eli, what did you say? I think that was leather

Leather New car Oh I'd say it's in the smoke factor Right Interesting The answer is It's leather, new car.

Holy shit! I never would have got that in a million years. And the category is chemical. Oh. Oh, that's... So, you get five points for that, and I'm going to give you an extra three because you said new car, new suit.

I think, come on, man. How many points do I have now? Brilliant. One question in, he's already got a fucking bonus, and I've got nothing. Eight. So you have eight points. So write eight down.

All right, I'll write that down. I thought that was Polish. That's what I thought there. I wouldn't have even got to say anything. All I got was the alcohol hit and then something, which is how I felt for most of these, to be honest. Well, as we know, Stuart, you did take a lot of cocaine in your 20s,

so that's ruined your notes. That's true. In the 1920s. The opposite is true. I don't think cocaine does destroy your sense of smell. It doesn't do much for your septum. No. That's also a myth.

What? That cocaine rots the flesh. It's what happened to Daniela Westbrook. That was because of the sheer amount of any... It was like sandblasting her nose. It would have been like just a neutral white powder of any kind.

No, just a safe one. Is neutral white powder that far right pump band? It would have done that to her. It was the physical amount of stuff that she put up her nose to do with the property of coke. Next week on Coke with Eli. Yeah, because he'll fucking know.

Oh, fuck off. Right, here's the next one. This is your second smell. Eli, we'll start with you. What did you think it was? A pickle, or dill pickle. Oh. And what category?

Spice it up. All right, okay. And Stuart? Shit, I mean, if anyone's going to know a pickle, it's going to be Mr. Sullivan. That's because I said that. I gave you a clue, because I said that's very familiar. Eli to pickles. I put noodle. No, I mean, if anyone's going to know a pickle, it's going to be Mr. Sullivan. That's because I said that. I gave you a clue because I said that's very familiar. Eli to pickles.

It's an iPad noodle. No, I don't think so. Well, no, Eli to pickles is like pigs to truffles. He can find them. Well, what? They don't use them anymore because dogs are more efficient. Oh, shut up. Yeah, don't eat the fucking truffles.

Thank you. We found that interesting. What did you say? I can't remember. No, ice put, cinnamon. Oh, and what category? Spice. Spice it up.

It's pickles. Five points to Eli, but you both get a point for the category. Both right and spice it up, so I'll get six for that. Oh, dear. Yeah, six in all, and just a one point for Stuart today. Bloody hell. I'm on 14. But, you know, we've still got four to go.

Things could change In this exciting game You could overtake me here You like me You smarmy bastard What? I'm good at smelling I love this Let's do this every week

Eli sniffs Yeah I will huff I'll huff anything He'll huff Till he's had enough Yeah Right

Next one We'll start with Stu What did you think Question smell three was? Be honest I didn't have a fucking clue, but it vaguely reminded me of grandma's soap, so I put sandalwood.

Okay. I can see you're working there. What category? I can see the process there. What category is that? Sorry, I was too busy being patronised. Yeah, welcome to my world. No, I went for spice it up.

All right, okay, Eli. It was aniseed or licorice. Oh, that is a good shout, actually. Aniseed, and I've got it in spice it up as well. All right, here we go. Theed or licorice. Oh, that is a good shout, actually. Aniseed, and I've got it in spice up. All right, here we go. The answer is licorice. Yeah, did you see? Ah, in sweet stuff.

Yeah. So no points there. No, but I said licorice. No, you said cinnamon. I said all licorice. You said aniseed. I said aniseed, and look, I've got licorice. Look at my working.

I'm going to give you half a point. You can have one point for that. Look, you can see it's true. I've written licorice in brackets there. And as much as I hate to say it, licorice does contain ANSI, doesn't it?

Yeah. Oh, fuck off. Stop helping him. I got it right. You're sapping his will to live. I get five points then for the right. All right, five points.

Trying to help you out here, mate. It's too late for me. Save yourself. Man, come on. Did you hear any of these this far? I'm the only one who shit. Hang on.

I said polish for the first one Peppermint And I did say licorice For this one So I got that right Oh good Did you put that in sweet stuff No I put it in spice Same here

Weird Weird It's a spicy thing Right This game's good Here's question four I know I already do It's great

It's a successful Barshan segment Right here we go What did you say for Eli What would you say for smell number four? I've got poo, and then I have brackets, just to be sure, fecal. Fecal poo, as opposed to celestial poo.

I can hold it in my hand. It stinks. Stuart, what did you say? I went for rotten cheese. Rotten cheese. Well, basically, it just stank. And it was in stinky category, I presume you proved. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Just plain stinky. Rotten cheese Well basically It just stank And it was in Stinky category I presume you proved Oh yeah absolutely

Just plain stinky Well funnily enough This just says Fart But in the plain Stinky category So you both get a point Each but I'm not

Going to give you five Because it does say fart And has a picture Of a bottom Erupting green gas That is what poo is That's fecal It's the smell of

To be honest I put down nothing I'll accept it No because there's More gas in a fart I'll accept it But everyone knows I got it right. I was close. What did you say?

Cheese? Yeah. What's closer to a fart? Cheese or... It's not who's closest. It's not. It's who's getting it right. Come on, Matt.

Listen, basically... This isn't the countdown numbers round. They're basically two forms of the same thing. A fart and a shit are two forms of the same thing. One's just the gaseous version of the other. You're ahead. Stop being... Hang on. You see what I mean? You couldn't say cloud when gaseous version of the other. You're ahead. Stop being... Hang on.

You see what I mean? You couldn't say cloud when the answer was the sea. Yeah. You could. You couldn't, but you'd be fucking wrong, son. Look, you shut up. Alright. I put nappy down for that because I thought it was a nappy, urinary kind of thing. I thought it was very nappy-ish as well. Alright, two more down to go.

So, Eli, what did you say smell number five was? It was peppermint. And I put it in sweet stuff. Shit. And Stuart. So my problem was I thought it was peppermint too, but I'd already put peppermint.

And because it was more powerful than peppermint, peppermint, peppermint, peppermint, peppermint, peppermint, I put... We got one point each for that last for the... Yeah, we did. Menthol. Okay, the answer is... What category did you put it in?

Sweet Stuff. I went for Bloomin' Fresh. In that case, Stuart gets a point for Bloomin' Fresh. Eli gets a point for Peppermint. I'll get five points. Five points, sorry, yeah. So there you go. Although I'd be tempted to give him the five points for that

because he was waving around it. Menthol, yes. I'm going to give you five points. Come on, take it. It's different. I will not take your pity points, yes. Yeah. I'm going to give you five points. Come on. Take it. It's different. I will not take your pity points, sir. I was wrong.

You were wrong. I will be a man and admit it. It looks like it's going to be an obvious win, but let's just see where this goes. Right.

So we've got one last smell. Stuart, what did you think the final smell was? I didn't have a fucking clue. I ended up going for

apple. Oh, okay. Eli. The answer is Quartz TCP And it's an all things chemical TCP or some similar sort of

Antiseptic Yeah antiseptic Huh Apparently it was dirty socks What? That wasn't a very good one No No

Because it does smell like bleach It's just really chemical Oh that's ruined it Right in the bin In the bin Right in the bin for that. Right, so.

Five points there then. What were the final points? So, my final points are apparently in fucking binary. Zero, one, zero, one, one, zero.

Zero, one. So that's three. Three. Eli, how did you get on? I got 25. Right. Right, I'm going

out on a limb here, Eli, but I think you might be in the lead. In that case, Eli, you are today's winner. Congratulations on what that smells. Yay! And as a result, I'm going to mix the bad smells up and you're going to pick one up

and then that's whatever you smell. Stuart has to smell. He doesn't have to identify. He just has to put his nose in and stink it. Do you leave them in the packet and take them out? So what's this game that we're playing now?

This is the forfeit. The loser has to smell the... I'll take one for him to smell. I'll tell you what. Here are the four things you could be smelling. Tonight, you could be smelling...

Eww-on! You could be sniff-sniffing hot, chunky vomit. Lovely. You could be stinking. Smelling. Stinking. Smothered in BO.

Ooh. Or how about this? Extra old toe cheese. Or finally, on the whiff of shame. How old is extra old? Extra old. Yeah. Or finally, you could be sniffing diaper blowout. Ooh.

So, I'm going to mix these up As best I can You have to remove them and scratch them I don't think you need to scratch them I can smell these from here I picked one at random for which you must smell For which to you for smell I smell from that you give to me

I can smell it from here I haven't even opened the fucking packet yet I smell the BO from here And what is it that you have picked for Stuart today? Today, Stuart, you will be huffing down hard on your loser card, which is Diaper Blowout. Oh! A fine choice. Also the name of my first album.

Well, this is French House. Right, so he's opening up the packet. Oh, I don't want to touch it with my human hands. Well, this is French House. Right, so he's opening up the packet. Oh, no, I don't want to touch it with my human hands. Yeah, I wouldn't. They come with resealable bags so you can seal them off. Oh, nice, I'll get that ready.

Yeah. I won't use that to put Johnson. I've got to find the onion scratcher. No, garlic scratcher. Here we go. He's rubbing it, he's scratching it, and he's going to take a big huff of diaper blowouts.

Oh, it's fine. It's slightly unpleasant, but it's just very chemouts. Oh, it's fine. It's slightly unpleasant, but it's just very chemical. Oh, is it? Oh! Hand it over. It smells more like burnt something. Let's have a look.

That fart, that was apparently like the worst thing ever. You know what? I think you just built up a tolerance to it over the years. That's so nasty, man. I'll get it ready for you, Paul.

All right. I'll rub it. I'll scrub it. It's coming off it. Did I not scratch it enough or something? That is fecal. It's a fecal. It's a fecal miasma in here, man.

No, wait. No, I'm seriously not getting it. What? It just smells like something burnt to me. To me? Something happened to your nose. Oh, God. I do keep smashing it with a pan for a laugh.

Just do it. No, I am surprised at how badly you did, because I don't think I did that well. Yeah, I'm seriously, this just smells like something burnt. Perhaps I'm, like, missing some smell thing. Maybe. What does it do with you eating out of date food for a living? Maybe it's destroying me from the inside.

This stonk, this rumour. No, I'm getting nothing from that. You know what, I'm going to take respite in this empty dill crisp. Right. Oh, bloody hell. Mate, smell that. Now, the other one was awful but... UGH! Hahahaha! I just...

UGH! For everyone listening, I just said to Paul to sniff the empty crisp packet as a little joke and it really set him off. Pickle and shit is not my idea of a fine smell time. We're terrible solicitors. Right, Eli, for that I'm gonna make you smell one.

One of the bad ones? Yeah. Alright, fine. Oh dear. It's just weird, I'm quite good at taste. It isn't taste and smell supposed to be very... They're linked. Scratch that, you twat! I'll teach you.

What is this one? You'll find out. You'll find out, my friend. I'll tell you which one it is. No, Eli's not getting this one. This is where he finds out he's immune to this smell Is that the smell? Not that bad

Oh yeah it's not that bad at all Which one is it meant to be? B.O? No it's hot chunky vomit No that one's actually quite nice It's not nice It's got a kind of ting to it What the fuck it smells like soap or something

Oh I'm going to have to smell all of these now Just for science Nice. It's got a kind of tink to it. What the fuck? It smells like soap or something. Oh, I'm going to have to smell all of these now. Oh, God, really? Just for science. Oh, one of them's going to be properly bad. The BO1 I can smell already. Yeah. Oh, don't use the key to get in here on it. Oh!

Oh! Toe cheese is fucking... Is it hellacious? Is it hellacious? It's not good. Oh, I'm genuinely worried about this. Yeah, that's bad. That's real 14-year-old locker room.

Oh, God. You know what I mean? It smells like a games workshop. Oh, God. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Jesus. It's got that kind of, that smell of like deodorant used to sort of cover it. That's what I was thinking.

So that's the clever bit. It's like they've tried, may just be the alcohol. They're quite, they're quite well done. That's pretty bad bit. It's like it may just be the alcohol. That's bad. They're quite well done. That's pretty bad. But still, not as bad as the normal one we had. Well, let's end with this one. That was the fart one we had earlier. That was by far the worst.

Oh, God. What's this? I don't know, but it's not completely unpleasant. It's the BO one. That's because you're attracted sexually to whoever. Yeah, well, why don't I want to boff you then? That's the worst. That's the worst. It's the B.O. one That's because you're attracted sexually Yeah, well why don't I want to boff you then That's the worst That's the worst

It's not For the last one It was more B.O. I would have said No, this is so B.O., man This is next level B.O. That really You know what I mean Oh, that's too accurate

That's horrible That's like real dried That's real Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's too accurate. Yeah, it's really accurate. That's horrible. That's like real dried. That's real, like someone got on the bus and you're going to die. They're in the sealed bags for a later date. Seal that shit right up. Well, that was a successful segment of Gannon's Golden Games. Yes, it's Gannon's Golden Games.

Gannon's Golden Games. What's a game? What's a game? It's Gannon's Golden Games. This room smells of shit now. It really does. Ladies and gentlemen, it is...

I've already done the silence bit. Don't worry about it, mate. Right, so... Oh, we're against the clock, ladies and gentlemen, but we do want to get in this Derek story because fucking hell...

It's Derek 3. It's Derek 3. The madness of King Derek. This time it's personal So we don't have much time it's a long story So shall we just crack on Let's get Derek on Now what did you say it was called

Well I've called it Well it's because there's no official title But I did call it Derek and Jimmy the Irish Orphan My god What could go wrong? Here we go. Now, again, the audio on these cassettes are not great.

This is a copy of an old cassette transferred via WAV, cleaned up, noise reduction, compression. I've tried to get the best sound out of it. Some of it is illegible, but some of it hopefully will be enough to get us through the story. Are we ready, team? I'm ready, too. Come on, Derek.

You can take it away. Go, Derek. Have you heard my story? The fact that I gave you my name? I thought I'd have to tell the story of a little boy. Little boy. Got the first words. Irish Jimmy.

Irish Jimmy. Taught him how to be a ninja. him how to be a ninja. After a quick night, on the Friday afternoon, I had a telephone call from my friend, oh no.

He's a car hire specialist? Taxi business. Oh. North Sidon City. North Sidon City. To collect this little boy. Oh, God. Take him to the special school.

Okay. Just to recap. Let's just recap. This is how the story opens. He's been asked by a friend who runs a taxi firm to pick up a little boy from a special school. To take him to the special school. From his home a little boy from a special school on the north side of town. To take him to the special school. Take him to the special school.

From his home to bring him to the special school. Now, I want to know what he might be inferring by saying special school. A school for children with learning difficulties. The X-Men school.

Yeah. Professor Xavier's Institute. Well, let's hope it is. I mean, that would be a great turnout. That would be fucking amazing. He might shoot lasers from his teeth or something.

It's certainly better than him having a, you know, a neural disease that we can't laugh at. Well, shoot lasers from his teeth or something. It's certainly better than him having a, you know, a neural disease that we can't laugh at. Well, let's hope he doesn't. But you know what, Paul? Oh, go on. What got me is like,

so what? He runs a taxi company, this guy, his friend, doesn't he? Yeah. Why is he calling our Derek now?

Can't he just send one of his own fucking taxis? No, I think he, Derek in this is like a taxi or car for hire. He said a friend who was also in the Uber. This is getting very Scorsese, isn't it? It's like Taxi Driver.

He saves this disabled... Harvey Keitel will play Derek. I'd fucking pay to see that. Here we go. In the afternoon at four o'clock, bring him home again. I would correct him at 8.50 in the morning and take him home at 4.50 at night. Thanks, we really needed that specific.

Great. He said he was overbooked with his bookings and he couldn't carry it out. But I knew this journey until further notice. I agreed. Monday morning came. I went to this bungalow. Beautiful bungalow.

Beautifully laid out garden. Right, good. I knocked on the door. Off the garden. The lady came to the door. And... It was Miss Peregrine's home his head and shoulders were in an iron frame

his snakes were in calipers and he had two sticks to enable him to walk two sticks yeah two dicks I thought you said the kid had two sticks. What? To enable him to walk. Two sticks?

Yeah, two dicks, I thought he said. The kid had two dicks. He didn't want him to fucking settle. A very special skill for lucky boys. On to which his school satchel was hooked. Okay, he's got a bag on. The satchel was hooked onto his frame. I helped him to the car

is it possible the child is a cyberman I I'm thinking he's confusing the small child with those little kind of charity donation boxes you used to have in the 80s

you know with like this able child outside the butchers or whatever he used to put money in his head there was a blind little blind boy I like the idea of Derek

pulling this plastic fucking money bank into the back of his taxi I'm thinking it's more like the idea of Derek pulling this plastic fucking money bank into the back of his taxi. God, this kid's lazy. It's more like the end of Aliens, isn't it? It's like he's done an exoskeleton thing. Jimmy and his power loader. Stand away from her, you bitch.

Big horror. The secret bit. He took my vehicle. Okay, he's forcing a kid into his car. Great. by vehicle. Okay, he's forcing a kid into his car. Great.

So, with me in the front seat, I said, yes, sir, you can be. Sir, you can. You can go to the meeting for you. He's saying he'll get in the front. Oh.

And off we went. His mother, through the guard gate, waved goodbye. Okay, he's waving goodbye to the guard gate. He's going to be taken to school. 20 minutes later, in the afternoon,

I went to collect him for a block. Right. By then he... The narrative engine in this. He came out and his dad ended up with me halfway home.

Halfway home. He requested would I stop at the newsagent halfway home. We get it. A bottle of pop, as he called get it A bottle of pop

That's what old men call it Not what children call it He said I won't be home With great difficulty He got out Wait the kid wants a bottle of pop But the kid has to get out the car to get it. Derek's like, you can fuck off.

He's got a massive calip on his leg. The entire upper half of his body is apparently in some sort of frame. Fucking hell. Derek's like, you wait here, little Jimmy, Irish boy, and I will go. I'll pop in. No, no. Go in yourself, and I'm going to see you looking angry

while I wait for you. And tucked while looking at my watch. I walked into the shop to get this bottle of pop. Oh, he did go into the shop. Which he told me he did every day. No, he did. With the other driver. Yeah.

With my friend, Mr. Deamer. Mr. Deepa, the new agent put it in a carrier bag and hooked it onto the special hook. Ah, the pop hook. So it has to leave its hands free. For fighting. To use its walking stick. Oh, yeah, he's got to use his walking stick. Two walking sticks.

Got back into the car and I could sticks. He's making this story up. What do you think? I hope no editors listen to this. They'll be just going, strike through, strike through. All right, no, strike through. The following day, I get to the major resort in the morning. The next afternoon, I take the usual address. Could his top

or the bottle of pop? Oh, okay. We've got the thing. We've got the basic now. Day two, halfway home, bottle of pop. He does it every fucking day, David. And save me time as well because it's getting near Christmas and I'm rather busy.

Okay, so hang on. It's getting near Christmas. It's getting near Christmas and Derek's rather busy. Yeah, he'd get better things to do than this. Paid work just like every other thing he does. Yeah, so this orphan boy with a disability. Yeah, fuck it, mate.

You just sit at home and not learn. Listen, mate, it's near Christmas. So I'd like to pick you up and take you places, but I've got to catch this tiger. I will go and get it for you. Anyway, I went and got it, made myself out to the shopkeeper.

I wasn't working here anyway. And made the purchase pay for it and Jimmy said how is the money for the bottle I said

Jimmy I don't want it have that on me he said but you're not going to do that every day I said

Jimmy never mind about that I said we'll get off home now and I hope of Derek now. Well, it's Christmas. Okay. He's not an orphan though, Paul, he said we're breaking up for the Christmas term. Okay. He's not an orphan though, Paul, is he? Mother will telegraph you. Oh God. Alright. And I'm ready to go back to school.

Right. Mother will telegraph you. I said that's alright, do you mean? I presumed he was an orphan. He's not an orphan. Alright, fuck off. I'm going to go home and wish his mother and him... His mother. He's discussing it explicitly.

When I got back home to the office... Got back home to the office? I took him to the shop, he said. Toilet, yeah. Toilet with a pencil. I made myself a note here. Right. And I said, will you do me a favour?

He said, what is it, Derek? I said, I would like a bottle of a crate. A bottle of crates, yeah. A little Lewis Carroll poem. This is all about how he's such a nice guy, isn't it, this story? He's buying him a crate of popcorn. It's the last day of school. Something perverse will happen by the end.

I don't want to collect it. I say I want to give it to him as a present for Christmas. I said, also, I want a nice big box of chocolate. Alright, fucking I'm going to whine him and dine him first as well. The chocolate poisoned him though, so it turns out Jimmy was a dog.

Yeah, it was like a Dr. Moreau thing. That's what the cage was for. Mum's like, thanks for the pop. Jimmy's diabetic. Jimmy's dead now. You've been giving Jimmy daily the pop we explicitly say he's not allowed to have. Now, what he describes as pop is actually his insulin. Right, go on.

Let's see how this goes. Well, no, come on. You've got to rewind it a bit. I'm doing it. Rewind a little bit. All right. I want a nice big box of chocolate. Yeah, chocolate.

Right. I've heard he tells me his favourite colour is red. Right. Now, could you put a little piece of red ribbon around each bottle? A nice big red ribbon round about the chocolate. And also have a nice card

ready. For which I can write it. For which I can write it. It's not fucking Interflora, mate. It's Corner Shop. We're putting's not fucking Interflora, mate. Go to the shop. We're putting ribbon around each bottle for you, freak. And I've already made arrangements

for her to receive it this evening. While Jimmy had his friend in the lounge, I don't want him to see me bring it. That's okay. I blame the call for that one. I called it the shop And he'd done it up beautifully Oh nice

He loves a bit of craftsmanship Doesn't he He does Yeah he appreciates the He's so focused on sort of things You know Yeah He'd

Dread All about the land I didn't park Where I could be seen It was a moonlight night? A moonlight night. He's creeping around this kid's house, basically. Let's just figure out, I can't figure out where we are. He's got the package now from the shop of the drinks.

He couldn't be seen. And it's a moonlit night. He's got the package now from the shop of the drinks. And he's smart where he couldn't be seen. Yeah. And it's a moonlit night, so. All right. He's creeping around with these fucking boxes. This has been too positive so far. Something's going on. Then Ramesses II appears. And I said to his mother.

How much for the night? It's a card wishing him and you a very happy Christmas she's a widow maybe now I said when Christmas is over

you will let me know we do want to go back to school won't you she said yes Derek that's quite alright a happy Christmas to you and your family right Right. Right. Suspense!

Suspense! Bitterly cold. Bitterly cold. Jimmy's frozen corpse. It's like if Pinta was a dirty old man. I chased Jimmy into a maze. He froze solid. The hedges came to life.

But not in the film version. And the mum's taking their kids to life. But not in the film version. The mum's taken eight kids to school. But not Jimmy. Not a word. Happy. He hasn't heard from Jimmy. I lived another week at home.

Is Jimmy dead? Jimmy's just trapped in one of the pop bottles, inexplicably. Like a genie. Jimmy's just trapped in one of the pop bottles. Like a genie. Jimmy's used the red ribbon. Well, we'll fucking find out! I'm from the edge of my fucking seat here. That's because there's no space.

Jimmy's dead, Paul. Let's find out. I don't know. I think now, Jimmy will have died, but then he gets a visitation from Jimmy's spirit. And he just vomits pop all over him. Like a red ribbon falls from the sky out of nowhere. And the man is so surprised a bra flies off. What if Jimmy's used the red ribbon to hang himself?

Oh, shit. That's, right, well, let's hope not. Oh, my God. Here we go. Come on. Okay. Let's hope not. Oh my God. Here we go. Come on. I lived another week. Okay. That 10 days.

14 days. All right. I can't remember that time. But you can remember every fucking day. The mother came to the door. Right. I didn't recognize her. What?

I just didn't recognise her. There's face blindness. She was ghastly white. His mother came to the door, but I didn't recognise her. Because she was white and pale. I could say something dreadful had happened. She stayed between songs. Derek.

We've lost Jimmy. Jimmy oh Jimmy's dead who didn't say that I just could not believe it shame because you set it up very blatantly that you could Derek this is the worst story so far man this is really dismal this is really wait

they told me how that evening evening I feel tired. I'm going to have an early night. Oh, God. He said, that's all right, my son. Oh, tell us in more detail, please. Aren't you going to have your last popcorn, Paul? Oh.

Would you do it? I'm sorry. Oh, melodrama. You see the mother. The mother reveals that the son's dead. He's like, tell me, tell me about it, you. But it's the husband. But Gerard's like, why, haven't you drunken the pop?

I got you. He's better a fucking drunkle that before he dies. Tell me his last moments. Tell me his last moments. Did it involve my present? Yes. Well, because he has to string the story up. Also, now there's no man in your life, is there?

Ah, but I do suspect the mother is also Derek because she talks and puts too much detail in exactly like he does. I can't remember exactly the time, but I do remember the date. And the craftsmanship. It was beautifully made. We made some small talk, which I will relate to you in full detail. With big gaps between words that you're waiting for things to fucking happen.

Come on. I want him to get it on with it. There's seven minutes left. So one bottle of pop remained undrunk. Anyway, he went into the bedroom. He said, call me when you're ready, and I'll come and take your irons off. That's what he actually called them, his irons. His irons.

Ah, right. That was the only time he was free of that dreadful iron cage. His irons. Ah, right. God! Get on with it, for fuck's sake, you freak! He called out to Jimmy. Jimmy, what do you have to say? You know he's dead, though, Derek, so it's like... I'm confused. I'm confused. She's relating the story of Jimmy's death to...

Is that what's happening? Yes. So he's now doing flashbacks in his fucking stories. No, it's herbacks to his fucking stories. No, that's no. It's her relating to him what happened. So she basically, she went, Jimmy, he goes, I'm tired. I'm tired, Clement, I'm tired, very tired. And she took off all his.

I bet he went like that. Yeah. Tiny tip. But I would be strong in the morning, mother. Yes. And she went, oh, do you want your last bottle of pop, little Jimmy? And he's like, no. A large amount of sugar before I go to bed

could impair my sleep. He's like, no, I'll have it when I'm strong enough in the morning. Right, okay. She removes his exoskeleton. In the morning, she has a cup of tea. Then she's like, Jimmy.

But the whole point is we know he's dead. So there's no... There's no drama. There's no thing in this. This is like when you watch those trailers for films and they give but the whole point is we know he's dead so there's no there's no drama there's no thing in this this is like when you watch those trailers for films and they give away

the whole plot like we're not gonna bother watching the film now fuck you unless maybe he died inside a bone hoover fucking a tiger

so you know there's still surprises there's been no magical realism so far hold on tight let's find out the ghost of Jimmy

has the last bottle of pop. That's my guess. That's my guess. Trapped inside it. No, I was expecting to come back and drink it. Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah. Fucking hell.

Okay. I'll have two sugars. No, three. No, two. No, actually. She was frozen to the spot, though, she told me. She's going. No, actually. She told me. She's going up into the bedroom. Right.

She had the courage to enter. She had to. But it was too late. Jimmy had passed away peacefully in his sleep. Good. You were excited. At least he wasn't in a sleep. Good. You were good, but you... At least he wasn't

in a lot of pain. Still up at the side and open. The bottle of pop... unopened. The bottle of

pop? The bottle of pop. The ambulance was called. It was all to know of him. The doctor

said, yes, Jimmy had died. Great doctor. Yeah, good work. Probably 3am. As far as they could tell. That morning. Oh, died at 3am. Yeah.

Of what? Being peaceful. Of what? It was just too peaceful. It's a hard go, but... A pop deficiency. And she did. The doctor's like, I'm not quite sure, but for some reason,

he's got an aggressive amount of sugar in his bloodstream. Pop deficiency sounds like it. It makes me feel like I'm migrating. Right. Jimmy, would you like a cup of coffee, Derek? Oh, it was tea a minute ago. Make your fucking mind up, son. No, tea was for Jimmy in the story.

Oh, sorry. Coffee's for Derek hearing the story. You idiot. What's she drinking? I must know. Pop. Tell me the whole story. Right, yeah, we noticed that, mate.

You just fucking told us. When you were going to a composure, you took my hand and said, come with me. We walked over to the door and opened it into a huge L-shaped lounge. I'd never seen so much colour in a lounge in my life. He was having a migraine. I'd ingested LSD. I was at one with the cosmos.

To the left of the fireplace were hundreds of cards of condolence sent to his mother and Jimmy. From friends all over the country, and from a group of those, you told me, that Jimmy had many friends, of course. Ten friends as well. He used them as a wank sock. On the right. He was sent cards of condolence. The mum got called over the country. From all these people who liked Jimmy.

And it's like, was she farming him out? Oh. Oh, what? Paul, I don't think that's called for. What do you mean? What do you mean, what do I mean? What? This is how he gets his pop. I don't think that's called for What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? This is how he gets his pop You're suggesting

Child Prostitution No Maybe odd job Suggesting some kind of Epstein relationship With the newsagents No

I'm sickened We're doing a comedy podcast I was thinking Like you know Going up the chimney Or something He's not going to get up the chimney, is he? He has.

He's got super sticks he can grab off. That's not how it works. With his frame, he could be like Cirque du Soleil. He could be all like that. And then what? And then knobs off. I'm not saying knobbing off. Jimmy is not knobbing anyone off or being knobbed.

He seems to in your fucking narrative. All right. He seems to have. Yeah, he was. Jimmy the disabled child got a proper knobbing off. Happy. Happy. Let's crack up.

Bloody hell, even Derek's not going to reach that depth. Come on. We've got three minutes. I want some ghosts or something. How did Jimmy know all these people? Seriously. I know. Perhaps he's big on the internet. He's a fortnight streamer.

In the centre of those two groups of cars, there was a statue of the Virgin Mary. Oh, here we go. I realised then what I should have known They were Irish What's that? What? Oh, Derek

Oh, God You beaut You beauty. What a blithering fuck. Did he think that was his sixth sense twist? That was his big twist, man. I mean, that means Catholic, you daft bastard. Like, what?

Oh, my God. He sounds like my fucking granddad. Yeah, the fucking Irish. That's his thing with him. He won't allow the whole bed and breakfast. Fucking hell. Oh, how do you want us? Let's see where this goes.

What the fucking hell, Derek? He gets worse every time. I just don't know what he's going to wrap up in the next three minutes. I have no idea where this is fucking going. So far, we know Jimmy was a poor disabled kid who went to a special school. He was picked up by Derek dropped off by Derek and had an effect on Derek Derek was obviously

very fond of him he bought him all the fizzy drinks every day on the way home he got a bottle of pop and on Christmas he got a box of chocolates red ribbon

and a big crate of pop with red ribbons tied around the neck of the bottle he comes back after Christmas the boys die he's talking to the mum the mum goes

look at all these cards from around the world where we've sold Jimmy's ass. And to make things worse, we're Irish, Derek. Now Derek seconds. And then he goes, he looks at the Virgin Mary and it's like, at that moment I realised the fact they'd

been staring me in the face this whole time. They're Irish. They came from this union country of ours. I have this image, if you filmed this, of all around there's shamrocks and lebrons. They've got a Nolan Sisters album. It's like the end of The Usual Suspect, isn't it? You see the wall.

He's looking. Notice Jameson's. Right, come on, Derek, take us home. I'm searching, Harry. Right. Notice Jameson's Right Come on Derek take us home Right Right What Ross Hogg

different cards. Ross Hogg. Ross Hogg? There was a large photograph in the old crates of Jimmy in his arms taken two years previous smiling. He looked so happy. He looked so happy.

What? Don't get incoherent now. Who knew the story? Next to that was the card from his mother. His mother sent herself a card to commiserate herself. Highly honoured.

My large red Christmas card was next to hers. Oh, it's a Christmas card. Ah, OK. And what upset me most was seeing the one bottle of pop that he never got round to drinking stood by my card with the red ribbon still tied round the neck.

I had never been so moved in all my life. Because he turned you pop into a fucking vigil. He was a wonderful little boy. Fuck yeah. Wonderful. Tasty.

As she took my hand. Oh, there we go. Oh no. We had a show. Grief fuck. All the colour shining in it. I turned

and said, goodbye, Jimmy. Goodbye. His mother never really got over her loss. And as I drove away in my taxi that night,

I thought I could still see Jimmy sitting on the front seat. He's possessed! He saw Jimmy sitting on the front seat. I knew Jimmy would never ride with me again. Goodbye. Now, James and Steve and the boys and Wendy, I hope you've got your box of your Kleenex out. The story's over!

What the fuck? The story's over and now he's talking to the kids listening to the story and saying, I hope you got your Kleenex out for that sad tale. It's like, what the fuck happened? I can understand a word of that. He went well demonic then. The quality drops off because I think he records. Something changes, doesn't it?

I think he recorded an ending to it. He gets possessed by Pazuzu. Yeah, the audio quality changes because I think he records an addendum to it where he talks about the driver. Oh, that's what he's saying. And now he's talking to his relatives. The nephews who are never going to get it. Yeah, who would never listen to this.

Oh, he went from microtape to standardised tape. You said that as if you were never going to get it. Yeah, who would never listen to this. Oh, he went from micro-tape to standard-sized tape. You said that as if you were genuinely interested in your life. Sorry, I know. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, children. Goodbye. Well, that is literally...

Can I just say, firstly, that's the weakest of the offering so far. There's no magical realism, no perviness. No. I mean, we're in the Derek Hall marks. You say there's no perviness there, Stuart, but I could sense a throb hallmarks? You say there's no perviness there Stuart But I could sense A throbbing Desire for the mother there

Do you know what I mean? There was a reason I imagine That there was no father There was no father Where's the father? No He was boning Maybe in his imagination

Maybe the subtext is Derek was the father Yeah Oh And he wouldn't pick his kids up Unless they played a game where he had to pretend to be a taxi driver.

Yeah. Just fucking see your kids. He wouldn't admit to the child that he was his father. But it's pure white saviour, isn't it? It's pure...

But it's literally 20... He's the knight in shining armour in this, isn't he? It's a 20-minute story that's set up like a joke where it's like, pick the kid up, took him home,

bottle a pop on the way home. Isn't that Rule of Three where you think, on the third time something happens, where they're like, okay, no, alright, your main character way home. Isn't that Rule of Three where you think, on the third time on the island, where they're like, okay, no, all right, your main character's dead. Oh, that's it, that's the story. He was a great kid.

The kid's dead, and now the mum has a bottle of pop on her shelf forever. It's the motif of the bottle of pop. I've probably drunk that bottle of pop on my sofa. Yeah, was it that one with all the floating shit at the bottom? Yeah, the cresta, yeah. Oh, God. I love Derek's stories. I do.

Do you know what I mean? I love that you get this kind of background information and you feel the kind of places that he's talking about and the kind of houses he's been in, like the lovely bungalow. And it was such a colourful living room. You can almost smell the living room there. Do you know what I mean?

Is Derek becoming more ill and infirm as it's going on? Because he seemed to be, not only was his voice a little weaker, but there seemed to be a lot more pauses and breaths. The thing is, to be fair, when all the recordings I've ever had from Tom have had those gaps in, and when I edit it for the show, I take a lot of that out. But

there is a sense that he did a bulk of stories sent them all off and the story goes i think tom heard the first one as a kid then the mum went i need to veto these in future oh god i did hear the first one he did he hit the first one i think the tiger we've been listening to them in the order in which i honestly don't know when i get the next batch from tom with all the breakdown and everything, hopefully then I'll have a better idea of the life of Derek.

Because we kind of need to break that down at some point. It's so fascinating. But it's... I think Derek 3 is definitely... It's the Godfather part 3. It's Death Wish 3. Hopefully you can pick the franchise up

by the fourth instalment. I don't know. Let's look at popular fourth instalments of franchises Die Hard, Indiana Jones Has there ever been a good fourth instalment of anything? Oh How does the Fast and Furious go for four? Or five was very popular

Was four Tokyo Drift though? No, three was Tokyo Drift And apparently that's set after the events of five, six, seven and eight I think it was one of those ones where people started to say, oh, this is actually really good, about the fifth or sixth. Fifth one. People still rate the fifth one as the best of the series so far. But also, what about Police Academy 4, Citizens on Patrol?

I don't remember that one. They're all pretty terrible after the first. Yeah, I mean, they're all pretty terrible. No, the first is pretty good. Oh, no, the first one's great because it's got a nice blowjob. Yeah, the first one's good, yep. That's exactly the only reason why. That scene is hilarious.

When he's getting the blowjob and he's giving a speech. Can we name all the Police Academy films in order? Can we do this? Police Academy, what an institution. Police Academy 2,

their first assignment. Police Academy 3, back in training. Police Academy 4, Citizens on Patrol. Police Academy 5, Might Assignment, Miami Beach.

Police Academy 6, City on the Siege. Police Academy 7, Missions of Moscow. Fucking hell. And the animated episodes Were episode 1 Yes Tackleberry takes down

Terror Right well That was Derek's Third story I'm going to give that 5 out of 10 It had a few high modes But ultimately

It was 20 minutes Of wasted time No I'm giving that Like 3 Because it didn't go Anywhere Didn't get the magic Realism in there

It only gets that For the Irish comment To be fair I liked him that for the Irish comment, to be fair. I liked the way he tried to make it dramatic. What a boy. What a boy. Just by pausing. He was such a boy. Oh, Jimmy.

Oh, Jimmy. The best of all the boys. Such a nice bottom. Yes. And also, I liked some of the, again, I liked some of the detail about sort of, you know, where he lives and stuff. The whole sort of weird focus on the bungalow. It was a lovely bungalow. It's all detailed and no story.

It's like bloody Lord of the Rings or something where they spend five pages talking about the fucking grass. It makes you think not only did he have sort of designs on Jimmy's mum, but also on perhaps inheriting through marriage. Oh, maybe. But her lovely bungalow. Maybe he's just mildly on the autistic spectrum and just looks at these small details and misses the big picture. He does like a craftsmanship. That's the other thing, doesn't he?

He loves something when it's been well produced. Or owned by Ozymandias. What we can take away from this is that by Stuart's logic, Derek is our generation's C.S. Lewis. Right. C.S. Poo-ist. And that's the end of the Cheap Show for this week. Thank you, Stuart, for being with us.

Thank you very much for inviting me. What a joy that story was. Thank you. Thank you for sniffing our flaps. Thank you for sitting through Derek's horrible chattel with a widow who's grieving now. But she was Irish, don't forget.

Oh, don't forget that. Oh, we didn't mention that. That was the real revelation. We thought that was the twist. He didn't give a shit. It bears no part of the story at all. It occurred to me

they were Irish. Right, rest of the story. I loved him, yeah. Wouldn't the accent have given away I don't know Stuart where can people follow you if they have to

online not in person because that's weird A-S-H-E-N-S stick it in your Google oi oi it's that simple Eli what's your Twitter account

my Twitter handle is Eli Snoid and that is spelt Paul E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D bump and sprinkle and I am at Paul Gannon's show

the podcast is at the cheap show pod we're on Reddit we're on Facebook we're on Tumblr you can find it by oh Paul oh fuck yeah

I did just remember something yeah right someone with reference to the noodle video that's just gone to the public

hasn't it the noodle pimping video the one where you fart aggressively directly into the lens of the camera. Did I? Yes. I don't remember that.

It's you. This is fake news, man. It's you. Don't you fucking go front on this show. You've put farts in, but we all know I don't fart. Apart from the video footage I've got that explicitly shows you farting loudly.

I've got medical condition. That's a fake app. I don't like to talk about this very much, Paul. I don't like to talk about it. You, come on. But I have a medical condition which means I'm unable to fart. And instead of farting...

Like a horse or a rabbit that can't vomit. The sweet smell of CK1 comes out of my ears. However, when you ejaculate, arse gas comes out the front. When I ejaculate? Yeah, when you ejaculate. Oh, I ejaculated. Anyway. No!

What I wanted to say is during that video, we did a basic pimping session on a chicken-flavoured noodle. Yes. Which was a coca brand. Yes. Someone on Twitter has gone, just for why, why don't you just use, if you're going to use a basic noodle, why don't you use like a Tesco own brand sort of very basic ramen? Stuart's tuned out. I'm not interested.

No, no. I'm actually trying to work out. And I just want to put this right. And you gave me the wrong answer you said oh I just bought them myself you sound like Derek I just want to say no coca is a much better brand and it is the best

of the cheap and you can get two sachet ones with the lobster or the crab flavour which is a classic noodle mate so don't try and tell me that coca is on a level with those much cheaper own brand ramen. So it's worth that little bit extra investment

to get to a basic level of noodle. That's it. Thank you very much, Stuart, for making that clear. Noodles! We'll be back on this show. Cheap show.

It's Irish. Thecheapshow.co.uk You can see pictures and videos that accompany this episode. And if you support us on Patreon, thank you very much

for just as much as a dollar, you can get all kinds of videos and magazines and all kinds of bump. Find out, explore. Which is worth exactly one pound. Reddit.com forward slash A bit of politics. Or forward slash Cheap Show. No. Forward slash Cheap Show. You don't fucking do me,

Ed. Come on. Come on. That's it. I'm done. Everyone say goodbye. Goodbye it I'm done that's it I'm done everyone say goodbye goodbye goodbye

I'm going to kill you one week no