CheapShow - Ep 141: Gannon's Anger Management

Episode Date: August 23, 2019

It's come to our attention that Paul has been "acting out" of late. His violent outburst have brought a dark cloud over this delicious economy comedy podcast and things have to change. With that in mind, let's see what happens when Eli is allowed to do whatever he wants. Paul just needs to count to 10. In a worst case scenario, he's allowed to sing and maybe even create a new character or two. Frankly, the violent outbursts may be preferable. This week Eli and Paul agree to dive back into the League of Snacks to review some overlooked "classics" (apparently) and there is a "Price of Shite VS" competition that gets waylaid by a unnecessary number of new characters. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-141-gannon-s-anger-management If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid @Ashens If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Shut up. Shut up. You're doing the face. You don't even do the voice anymore. You just do the face. The prepared for tube show face. The solemn face. Solemn, yeah.

It is. It's becoming more so. How about that? That sounds like coins, doesn't it? It sounds like keys. Okay. It's not called Key Show, is it? It should be.

Let's change the name of the show. What's the format going to be? Welcome to Key Show, where we look at keys. That's for my front door. That's the double lock. Next week, I'll be showing you my house keys. And then we've got the keys of Al Murray. He's going to be a guest on Key Show.

Why does Al Murray keep coming into everyone's mind? That's just me at the moment. For some reason, Al Murray's stuck in my head. I've had Al Murray stuck in my head. What's he up to? He's just popping up as a name, Al Murray stuck in my head. I've had Al Murray stuck in my head. What's he up to? He's just popping up as a name. Al Murray. Oh, Paul, before we...

Oh, before we even start. Yeah, go for it. Da-doot, da-doot. Da-doot, da-doot. Da-doot. Da-doot, da-doot, doot. Source report. Right.

Source report, source report. Right, now, Paul, I don't know if you remember. I don't. I try to forget. When we did the hot sauce experience, and I had this, Walker's Wood. Don't touch the wire. Sorry.

Sorry. Don't get mad. I'm not allowed to get angry at you. Don't get angry. Paul, do you maybe recall when we did the hot sauce experience, we got Walker's Wood, plenty hot Jamaican fire stick pepper sauce. This was from the States. I brought this back from the States.

Yeah. And I don't know if you remember, but at the time, I was disappointed because it wasn't a dry heat. It was like everything else in America. They seem to add a load of sugar. Yeah. Now, what I thought it would be like... He's crying, everyone.

He's silently crying. What I thought that hot sauce would be more like is this. Now, this is a classic. Yeah? All you hot sauce aficionados out there. This is Grace. Hot pepper sauce. And you can read that there, Paul.

Very hot. It says very hot, everybody. Is it? It's on brand, on message for Cheap Show because this is a large sauce bottle, much bigger than the Walker's Wood Fire Stick. How much is that there, Paul? You can see.

£1.19. That's good value, that. Very delicious hot sauce. Stop touching the wire! It's right there and you still rub against it. I'll rub, I'll rub sauce. And you can see it's... Stop touching the wire! It's right there! And you still rub against it. I don't... I'll rub, I'll rub it. Don't you fucking... I'll rub my wire. Don't get mad. I'll rub

my wire till the voltage shoots out the end. You know what, Eli? You've won. What? I've won Cheap Show. You've won Cheap Show. I've just decided you've won Cheap Show. You know what? It was a battle for 140 episodes. But congratulations. Right.

It was weird. He's touching me, everybody. Eli's won cheap show. He's broken me. I can't express myself freely. Oh, I don't like it when Paul gets mad.

Oh, it's dark. Oh, his anger. It's off-putting. All right. He's crying, everybody. It just means that he gets a way to do whatever he wants now.

Well, people want... Eli Silverman's cheap show. People want just a short, light-hearted look at the world of sauces, Paul. That's what people want. It's just a way. Is this over now? Because it's three minutes and we should just go into the intro. One last thing I wanted to mention.

Yeah. Our cold opens are hot. Hot sauce. Except the cold open is usually quite short and this is now going on for four minutes just the um the texture of this sauce yeah notice the texture well how would you describe the texture of this grace's hot pepper sauce in there on site it reminds me when you got those trinkets at the seaside which has fake sea water in and it's like i didn't expect this, which has fake seawater in. And it's like blue, you know, blue fake sea. But then it's because it's the oil separating it. I did not expect that.

It's like sea. It's like there's a boat floating on the blue bit. Are we awake now, Paul? You can turn the dial left and right, left and right, left and right, but the water stays level because of science. I see what you mean. So the consistency reminds me of the blue liquid, weird oil-based liquid that you can see in most seaside towns. You're ruining the report. You've ruined the report now. The blue, liquid, weird, oil-based liquid that you can see in most seaside towns.

You're ruining the report. You've ruined the report. Do you know what's made this an extra special? Because we are in the house of eggs. We are in the house of eggs. The house of fried eggs. We are today. Because Eli couldn't bear to clean his bedroom.

I couldn't. I couldn't. There's a fly thing going on as well. Mate, I'm not going to do cheap shows. Flies swarm around me. Yeah, I know. It's just too much it's too much

yeah I've yeah but we are in the house of fried eggs and there's a huge oversized Tabasco there is

sauce thing so it's looking at me ah I knew there was another bit of the sauce report this cheap show shows dead

to me it's dead Paul just one last thing yeah okay I'm just going to correct what you said about the texture of this. Do you remember on the hot sauce experience that we did recently,

they were all fruit and they all had fruit pulp in them. Yeah, apple and peach and mango. And it kind of separates out. So you've got watery but with bits of fruit. Look, that's the opposite of that. That is a purely smooth, consistent hot sauce. Do you know what I mean? No messing.

And it's quite watery but it has a certain viscosity a certain flow to it which is which really gets it all in all the nooks and crannies of your food man you don't need to use much of that just wanted to make a point about the texture of that and last piece on the the uh five minutes 30 if you're counting at home i'm just gonna put this down last um you could have put it on the floor, you know, as well. I want to see it. I want to see it. Right.

Tabasco, you know, we've discussed Tabasco is the brand and Tabasco is also a type of pepper. Yeah. Did you know it's also a region of Mexico? No. Well, that's the end of the source report, Paul. And the end of my grip on living. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show, you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Darks for a while. How's the pick up? A fight of shite. This is called gunannon saying hello Eli Silver

Welcome to Cheap Show Yes, hello, I'm Paul Gannon, that's Eli Silver Oh, hello You fool, I love you Come on, join the joyride. I'm singing, everybody. Don't sing. Stop singing.

You can't stop my singing. You can temper my violent outbursts, but you can't stop me singing. That's in my contract from now on. All right. Every time I feel the need to throw an earworm into the podcast, I'm going to do it willy and or nilly.

Willy and nilly. You are the king of earworms. Yeah, I've got a weird jukebox in my head but also you have a real talent for just humming a few bits of a tune and then getting it stuck in my head for about three weeks like today i was like oh no don't oh i have to know what that song is isn't it called like tarzan that's so early 90s it's hard i think it's 80s that it's. That's so early 90s. I think it's 80s that.

It's that late 80s, early 90s period. Yeah, we'll see. Anyway, if you know what it is, why don't you tell us in the comments. Just give them a clean one. You can have a career with that. Yeah. It's like a, what's it called?

The guy with glasses. Buddy. It's a Buddy Holly thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, I could be the new Joe Longthorne now that Joe Longthorne's died. Who's Joe Longthorne? Joe Longthorne was that British singer

who was famous in the 80s because he could do really good impersonations of other singers. Right. Like, famously, I think his most popular one. No, his most popular one was Shirley Bassey.

Goldfinger! Oh, he did Shirley Bassey. He did all that kind of stuff. And he was, jokes aside, a bit naff in terms of light entertainment of the 80s.

Actually, he could fucking hold a tune and he had a very successful career obviously after the TV stuff doing holiday camps and cruise ships. Right. Joe Longthorne,

R.I.P. And also the animator of Roger Rabbit died. I've said this on Twitter already, but that guy is a fucking genius. Yeah, great film, I love it.

He is the sole reason, I think, why Who Famed Roger Rabbit works. His totally... The script? No. The acting, the script,

You can still take a poor script and make a good film, right? For instance, Titanic is an awful script, but it's one of the biggest films of all time, and a lot of people like it. But that's regardless of the script, right? Wouldn't you say?

When people think about it, they go, oh, those great lines of dialogue in Titanic. They think, oh, Jack and the ship sinking. Well, then the script can't be all bad, because the script is the story as well as the actual words, obviously. His direction, his animated direction, informs the energy, the tone of the film.

You know, the whole opening sequence with baby Herman and the cookies is a powerhouse of fucking animation. I think it still would have been quite a good film with someone else doing the animation because of the script and the acting. But you look at films that came out at the same time, like Cool World. Yeah, I never got through

Cool World. That was Brad Pitt, wasn't it? Yeah, Brad Pitt and Kim Bassanier, the lady animated woman. Right. Yeah. And it wasn't very good. No, it's dreary bollocks. What about Paula Abdul? That's a song in a pop video, though. That's good, isn't it? It's like you may as well

say Anchors Away for the same reference. What's Anchors Away? Well, that's the famous film where it has though it's good isn't it it's like you may as well say anchors away for the same reference what's anchors away well that's the famous film where it has a gene what's the name of the dancer gene

fuck brain's gone blank famous dancer gene god it's a fucking knowing that I can't remember his name and there are people

right now listening going it's gene we'll find out I'm not going to find out I'm going to purposely make it but there's a scene

in it where he dances with Jerry from Tom and Jerry and it was like a mix of animation and live action yes I think I recall that yeah and it had you know movement to the camera

which is difficult see that whole era of live action animation mix is kind of over now because of CGI because of computer animation so we're agreeing right now that the format of this show

has completely gone out the window because we're ten minutes in and we've talked about sources and the works of Richard Williams and Joe Longthorne for no reason. Well, perhaps I should send out my movie critic dog character

to get rid of him. Well, he's a theatre critic. Is he? Yeah, he's a theatre critic. Macbeth! Macbeth! How many barks out of five does Tarquin the Review Dog give? I hate this show. What does he give?

Here he is. He looks very eager. Oh, five barks. Very good film. Yes, Tarquin. Here's a biscuit. I will say this before we move on

if you do like or are interested in the work of Richard Williams look for a film online called The Cobbler and the Thief it's on YouTube

as a thing called it's a short no it's a full feature animated feature it was a passion project of his and he took the Who Famed Roger Rabbit

role because Disney said if you do this we'll fund this project they never did and so he basically had to scratch it together over 30 years. So they did him in. They kind of lied to him.

I mean, the thing is, this has been a project he'd been working on for years. And when it was all cut together, I think the Weinsteins got hold of it and then cut it to bits. Anyway, there's a version online called The Cobblers Cut. And it's fascinating. It's like 25 years worth of this guy making this one story. And it's largely silent. And it's driven by the animation. And it's amazing.

Really? I can't... And the great thing is you watch bits of it and you say, oh, that bit was done in the 80s because you can tell by the style. And that bit was done by the 90s because they've got a bit more budget here. I see. It's great. And some of the animation sequences are mind-blowing.

Really trippy stuff. Like across between Looney Tunes and here. I see. It's great. And some of the animation sequences are mind-blowing, really trippy stuff, like across between Looney Tunes and Yellow Submarine. Yeah, yeah. I remember going to see Roger Rabbit and... What, the real thing? You saw Roger Rabbit, the character? No, no.

Did you invent him in your mind? The movie, Roger Rabbit. Yeah. Say the whole title. Who framed Roger Rabbit. Thank you. It's like, oh, I just came, I just saw Runner the other day.

I just saw Runner on other day just saw Runner on Blu-ray it was dead good you went what oh Blade Runner yeah they they can fuck off oh I just saw Shine

I know I just read a comment about Blade Runner on Twitter or whatever and he went yeah it still gets me it's such a great piece

you know what I mean it's like it is my great piece you know what I mean I'll show you it's a fucking movie it's not a piece. You know what I mean? It's like... Here's my great piece, mate. You know what I mean? I'll show you. It's a fucking movie. Here's my great piece.

It's not a piece. Do you know what I mean? It's Ponzi language. Oh, what a fantastic piece. It's such a work. A piece of work. A piece. I have a piece in my panties.

A piece. Right, we've gone. He's gone. It's a piece. I've got a piece. You know what else I have in my panties, Paul? What? A poultice. A piece of a poult piece. I've got a piece. You know what else I have in my panties, Paul? What? A poultice.

A piece of a poultice. I've got a piece, as in a gun. I've got a piece of the action, as in my peenie. It's your peenie. It's my peenie. As in your penis. No, my peenie. Right.

And I've got a poultice. I've got a poultice in my pants. Keep calm. Count to ten. I've got a poultice I've got a poultice in my pants Keep calm Count to ten I've got a poultice in my pants Paul What's coming up on the show You've fucking destroyed

You've destroyed me I'm sorry What's coming up on the show Well coming up on the show today We are going back After some considerable time away To the League of Snacks We're going to do a broad

Don't use the mastermind theme That's the League of Snacks. We're going to do a broad... Don't use the mastermind theme. That's the League of Snacks thing. It's not. It's been so long since we last did it. League, league, league, league of snacks and crisps. And wouldn't it be

League of Snacks and Crisps? Wouldn't that fit better? It would. Yeah. League of Snacks and Cris. Wouldn't that fit better? It would. Yeah. League of snacks and crisps. Right, right. Yeah, we've got that coming up. We've got that coming up.

We've got two separate entries to put on the League of Snacks and Crisps. Excellent. And then we are finishing off today with an interesting spin that we'll still work it out on the Price of Shite. Double Price of Shite. We both have items. I think it's very exciting, Paul. And before we head off

to that first segment, what have you got to say? I just want to mention that, yeah, people did bring my attention to a few things regarding black lace. Again, didn't think we'd spend

this much time talking about black lace. There's a certain fascination to them. Because they are the dark heart, as I've said before, of 80s NAF. They literally are.

One of them was in jail for a bit. For? La laundering money or money problem money yeah what else was told someone said oh have you heard this and it's called super

cock and it's a song that black lace do that's a naughty version of Superman yeah and it is the most pure owl piece of shit that I'm about to come to this episode

right now is it a bird no is it a plane it is the most puerile piece of shit that I'm about to come to this episode right now. Scooty booty booty do do do, Scooty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty Spookies! Sprites! Salutes! Go for a dive! Oh, hello! Having a gangbang! Oh! Let me out! Kiss!

Show them your boobs! Play with your heart! Faster, faster! Supercar. So yeah, it's the same song. It's like, comb your hair. But instead of it being like Superman, they say supercar. Is that the only lyric they've changed?

No. They do things like, have a gangbang. Show us your boobs. I bet they did. It's grotty. It's that grotty. I bet they partook in stuff. It's that difference.

Didn't they? No, come on. Muse along with me. Black Legs got into some... Some sticky situations. Sticky situations. Pineapple juice. Shake pineapple.

Yeah, shake your pineapple all over me. Do, do, do. The funky gibbon. Oh, I saw, Paul. I saw a copy of Santa Claus do not touch me oh by the goodies yeah on 7

would you like me to pick that up no I've got it on vinyl already on an album it's a weird song that one it's just that one line sung over and over

and over but they take away one word each time so as the song grows it becomes more creepy so it starts with Santa do not

whatever it is please do not touch me please do not touch whatever it is. Please do not touch me. Please do not touch me. Then it goes please do not touch. And then it's like oh Santa please. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh Santa. It's like oh. Santa! Santa. Bill Odie's got fucking issues. He certainly does. So yeah, Supercock's awful. It's a childish, stupid

X-rated thing that you shouldn't really shouldn't exist. I heard the original Agadou by this German band. That I'll edit in here, because why not? Get out the fucking way. Do, do, push my lap or shake the tree. I got do, do, do, push my lap or blank a fee. To the left, to the right, jump on the down and to the knees. Come and dance every night, sing to the hula melody.

Sounds the same, slightly better. And that's it. No more of that black lace ever. There is no more to say. One of them's dead, are they, anyway? No, they're both alive. And they're still on Piers. They're still doing Piers.

There was like this kind of, you know, like Rock the 80s music festivals where they play 80s stuff and like Belinda Carlisle comes on and Sonia. I think they do stuff like that. Mate, a lot of people go to them. I know, good on them.

But it's not for me, Paul. It's not for me. Hey, Eli, do you want to come to Rock the 80s? Because I believe Thompson twins and Tiffany are going to be doing a set yeah

Pat Sharpe's introducing it and Dave Benson Phillips not for me no it's not for me Paul I'd probably go you would you totally would

right let's get this fucking show on the road crab bucket a what crab bucket Crab Bucket. A what? Crab Bucket. I'm just saying Crab Bucket. I know, I know. Crab Bucket.

Tuck it and see. Crab Bucket. Yeah. At the sea. Gene Kelly. He's full of pee. No, he's the dancer with Jerry from that film Anchors Away with Frank Sinatra. And why can't neither of us remember that?

I don't know. I'm hungover, that's my excuse. Yeah from that film, Anchors Away, with Frank Sinatra. Why can't neither of us remember that? I don't know. I'm hungover. That's my excuse. Yeah, but that's your daily excuse. That's my excuse to everyone in my life. Sorry, love. I couldn't fumble because I'm hungover. I can't fathom the idea of getting it up.

Oh, I could. You couldn't. I can't do it when I'm hungover or tired. I can't get it up. This has got weird. I can't get it up for now. I can. Don't you know the Hugh Grant?

Yeah. Excuse. Yeah. That's how I've suffered from the Hugh Grant condition. Oh, you have Hugh Hangover Horn. Yeah, basically. Right. Hugh Hangover Horn.

You know, there's a sort of scientific, I think it might be pseudo-scientific, explanation for that. He's a perv? No, not for him particularly, but for why you get horny when you're hung over yeah because everything else is sort of uh subdued you know it's all of your other systems are sort of down down down down automatic i told you i love that that's love that that's a great song isn't it that's a good earworm to have isn't it who did that Gene

Gene Kelly no but it wasn't like five star was it they had System Addict System Addict it's not as good that one I can't engage in it I never can get enough

System Addict it doesn't make you want to sing it like the other one does though which I've just forgotten what was it systems are down down down down

automatic I'm doing a fucking search for it search for it mate I can't have these blue balls Down, down, down. Down, down, down. Da-na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na. Automatic. I'm doing a fucking search for it. Search for it, mate. I can't have these blue balls. Right, while I'm searching for it, you explain to the listeners. I'm going to write out.

Because we're doing League of Snacks and Crisps. Right. Today on League of Snacks and Crisps, Paul. Oh, look, just a little recap if you haven't heard this section

because we haven't done it in quite a while, have we? Pointer Sisters. Ah, of course. This classic. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, look, just a little recap if you haven't heard this section, because we haven't done it in quite a while, have we? Pointer Sisters. Ah, of course. This classic. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. I also just yesterday bought a Pointer Sisters 12-inch single. Happiness.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Happiness. You know that one? Yeah. It's by Alan Tussauds okay I don't know it as familiar as

their other songs no it's like a disco thing it's pretty good do you know how the Pointer Sisters got their name and they did that tune I'm so excited

didn't they I'm so excited who we are I just can't hide and that's one of those songs that is literally used in every film

every 80s film I think it was even used in the 80s that might have been like the deal that Sony got for them it must be used in every film the the 80s. I think it was even used in the 80s. That might have been like the deal that Sony got for them. It must be used in every film.

The 80s had a thing where it's like in the 90s Smash Mouth's All Star was that song. But in the 80s it was that. It was Holding Up

for Hero. Yeah and Yellow. And Yellow. What was that song? Or there was the other one. That is the chase. That's not the chase, is it?

Yes. No, that's not. That's Art of Noise, isn't it? No, that's the chase, yellow. Right. Right, I need to explain. But as you get on your phone, I will explain to the listeners. That's Art of Noise, mate.

I'm sure of it. Can you describe that while I'm looking at all your factual inaccuracies? Now, despite Paul's frivolousness, this is actually a very important part of the show where we take an objective look at the world of snacks and crisps, classics and some outliers. And we have a system, a scoring system.

He's waking up, ladies and gentlemen. Shut up. We have a scoring system he's waking up ladies and gentlemen shut up we have a scoring system four categories each with a mark out of ten and you can use decimal places

but the difference between this and us just rating food on the cheap eat section or something like that Paul is that

we need as a committee to agree on the score for each level so we come to an agreement it's a consensus scientific agreement about the levels of this i've never heard so much drawn out shit in my life you shut up right paul do you want to tell the listeners what our four categories are? Yes. Number one. Flavour. Flavour. It's flavour town.

Taste. Number two. Texture. With crisps, it's one of the most important. It's important. Just as important, if not more important sometimes. Possibly sometimes more important. Sometimes it's more important than flavour.

Sometimes it's important. Texture is number two. Number three. Texture is the second one. The third one is nostalgia. How it ranks in terms of our cultural understanding of it. Its place within our cultural history. A contentious point.

It's contentious but important. That's a mark out of ten. And lastly. Value for money. It wouldn't be Cheap Show without value for money. He's doing the cheek thing. Cheepy cheek cheeks. He's doing the cheap wanking noise.

It's another adventure with Hugh's hangover horn. I'm dreadfully sorry. I'm sorry, oh, fuck. I've got the most amazing horn. I'm terribly sorry. Is it raining? Oh, gosh, blimey. Suck my dick!

Right, okay. Good, I enjoyed that, Paul. Thank you. There'll be more of that throughout the course of this episode. Okay. Value for money. Value for money.

Now, this is also contentious because sometimes it could be cheaper to get a packet of crisps with a meal deal from a Tesco's or a Sainsbury's or there's multi-bag offers

or they're just cheap because they're cheap crisps. Does that mean they're inferior? Sometimes not, as we found out with the alien Space Raiders. They're cheap, but... Tasty. Tasty, nice texture. Extremely good value for money. So, you know, this whole thing is a constantly evolving experiment.

Yes. Now, with that in mind... We've got two crisps we're doing today. Well, three actual crisps, but two categories of crisps, if you like, Paul. Yes. Now, with that in mind... We've got two crisps we're doing today. Well, three actual crisps, but two categories of crisps if you like, Paul. Yes. Let's start with what I would say is slightly less exciting for me, personally. Oh. Noisy

bike. We picked up a couple of packets of these today. Now, these are a classic crisp. Oh, yes. Which one is it? Chipsticks. Chipsticks. Also, yes. Which one is it? Chipsticks. Chipsticks. Chipsticks. Got it. Oh, so yes, this is definitely a classic.

I remember these from school days. What are they, Paul? Oh, well, I'll talk when you stop wrassling your bag right next to the fucking microphone. It gives it a nice bit of ambience, mate. It does. I agree with you. It's just a bit annoying.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we are eating chipsticks, which are maize and potato snack fingered crisp snacks. Fingered? They're shaped like fingers.

Chips. No. Can I just make it clear to everyone? The word fingered does not appear on the packet. It doesn't say fingered.

It just popped into your head. Maize and potato fingered snack. You just said, oh, look like fingers. Do you look like normal pancre just said it. Oh, look like fingers. Do you look at normal pancakes and go, oh, look

like mummy's scab pancakes or something like Oh, mummy's eyes. The crisps look like mummy's eyes.

I eat mummy's eyes. I know. Okay. No, there is no finger associated with these.

These are chip sticks. I want to make on the record that no point on this packaging is the word finger or fingered

used in any way. Right? But we will be fingering them. Plenty. Now, I want to say, before we get started, these are by Smiths. Smiths,

many brands have been bought by Walkers stroke Lays over the course of the years. And I think Smiths have. Yeah. So these are interesting.

I know I was going to discuss this as well, Paul. Interesting because the Smiths brand, the people at Walkers have yeah so these are interesting i know i was going to discuss this as well paul interesting because the smith's brand the people at walkers or whatever it lays yeah obviously thought that the smith's brand was so important to the image of these crisps you think that's what it was that they left it on because they could have just said it's walkers now do you see what i mean it's all about the nostalgia i know we're not discussing that specifically at the moment so what you're saying it's like when someone, like for instance, here's an example.

Atari went bust in the 80s, and they've not really been the same company since. In fact, it's been past a company and company, but they keep the Atari brand for licensing reasons and like merch and t-shirts and knockoff gadgets because people go, oh, Atari. I remember that as a kid. So I'll buy that because Atari, nostalgia.

Exactly. Smith's Snack Food Company is a British-Australian manufacturing company best known for its crisps. remember that as a kid so i'll buy that because it's already exactly exactly smith's snack food company is a british australian manufacturing company best known for its crisps founded by frank smith and jim viney in the united kingdom in 1920 the company packaged crisps in grief-proof paper which was sold around the world so does that mean what like they were first look i'm reading the back of this now paul if dissatisfied tell us why we're purchased and send packs and its contents to consumer care at walker's snack foods limited oh in leicester oh here's a thing and now it's owned by the multinational corporation pepsico yeah who own lays pepsi is laid really now that's

interesting all owned so founded in cricklewood in 1920 that's near where i grew up uh yeah cricklewood we went through Crickle Wood, didn't we Paul, when we got the bus to Brent Cross. Yeah, it's depressing isn't it? It really is. I mean that was the joke and the goodies. They lived in Crickle Wood because who'd live in Crickle Wood? It is nasty in a way.

The company expanded into a factory in Brentwood, London and large in the 1930s during the Depression. During the Depression, Smith travelled to Australia to expand the business. Ah, that's why it started in the UK in Cricklewood, moved to Australia to expand. And then, yeah,

owned by Napsico, blah, blah, blah, PepsiCo in the 90s. PepsiCo withdrew the brand in favour of the popular brand Walkers. Yeah. Wow.

So there you go. But they've re-employed it, haven't they? I guess so. These are a new pack at Chris, ladies and gentlemen, that we've bought today. These are Smith's

chipsticks. You know what other they've kept the Smith's logo on? What? Salt and Shake. Oh, yeah. We haven't done those on... We haven't done those yet. Salt and Shake are a very interesting evolutionary step in the... Anyway, chipsticks. Let's talk about chipsticks because I literally

think I zoned out there. These are salt and vinegar flavour and we both remember them from when we were kids. We've got a package here, Paul. You can also get them in plain, which are kind of like, they're almost like sweet but salty. Yeah. Can you get those?

Yeah, you can still get them. Oh, you get the red packet. Yeah. I actually prefer them, personally. And the other thing is Walker's famously swapped the main two flavours of crisps in britain i think we both agree are salt and vinegar and cheese and onion yeah yeah they're the two like solid ones yeah

apart from ready salted but if you're talking about they're ready so we can just count as a neutral as plain yeah it's your regular basic bog standards it's just a crisp it's your regular it was there before there was any yes it was pack. It was there before there was any, yes, ready salted was there before there were any flavours. Oh yeah. You know? Yeah. When even flavour was a conception.

You know what, we haven't even looked into the history of crisps. I think I know one or two things. Go on. They were invented in Britain. Were they? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. They came from fried potatoes and it was sort of like they'd done it wrong. They sliced them too thinly and it was sort of like they'd done it wrong. They sliced them too thinly and it all got crispy. Hang on, I'm going to go to Wikipedia.

I can't believe we've gone this far and not actually looked into the history of crisps. Well, I told you, but you don't believe me. History, shut up. The earliest known recipe for something similar to today's potato chip is the English cook William Kitchener's book, The Cook Oracle, first published in 1817.

Yeah, but this is a chip. You're talking about chips. I'm talking about crisps. No, I'm talking about potato crisps. All right. I'm talking about crisps. Why does he say chip there? Because it's an American

fucking website, isn't it, Wikipedia? Anyway, the first published in 1817 was a bestseller. The 1822 edition featured 104 recipes including

potatoes fried in slices or shavings. There you go. And reads as peel large potatoes, cut them in shavings around and around, as you would peel a lemon, dip them well in clean cloth, let them fry in lard or dripping. So there you go. Yummy.

Anyway. We invented crisps. Yes. So if we want to call them crisps and not potato chips, we fucking can. All right. Yeah, don't want to leave Europe telling us what to call our crisps do we Paul no this is America

isn't it Paul I've got something else to say close those crisps I'm hungry go on now

you'll notice these salt and vinegar are blue yeah and you said that they're plain chip sticks or red

that has it's slightly different from the way that walkers do their main brands isn't it Walkers do their main brands, isn't it? Right. Walkers do their main brands, their ruddy salted is red, yes. Yeah. But their salt and vinegar...

Is green. And their cheese and onion is blue. And that's something... That was the big thing they did. And they did it about 15 years ago, didn't they? They just swapped them around. No, I don't know. I don't know about that.

It's an interesting point. It didn't always used to be. And when you... Golden Wonder was a thing. Golden Wonder, the green packs was the cheese and onion and the blue was the salt and vinegar. Doesn't it make more sense to you just intuitively

that green would be cheese and onion and blue? Because you think onion, green. And then you think blue, sort of icy, the vinegary. Acidic. Yeah.

Yeah. Why? It's weird. I don't know. But when you think about how in the UK, that was the norm, red, blue, green represented those flavours.

And then Walker changed it, but Walker's the biggest brand. So we still see it as like a strange colour choice. But even though they're the most popular brand, so they get to do what they want. But you look at McCoy's, you look at other things, they'll still go with brown for beef, blue for crisp. Green for cheese and onion. They'll still do it.

It's almost as if they're going, they don't want to. Walker's don't want to. We don't have to. We're still do it. It's almost as if they're going, they don't want to. Walkers don't want to. We don't have to. We're the biggest sellers, aren't we? But they are. They're like the Amazon of crisps. They are.

But as we know, because with the little bit of desk research that we did earlier on today, Paul, Smith's is just a Walker's brand. It's not, it's a Pepsi,

it's the same company. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But again, probably for the nostalgia reason and the same sort of reason that they kept the smith's branding on these chipsticks they've kept the original what i'm saying is this is not in the isn't in the walker's crisp unit extended universe is it it's a different

universe like like when dc had dark horse comics yeah and it was totally separate these chipsticks are totally separate i'm eating crisps what's the halflike on them? Oh, a nice huff of, I mean, typical salt and vinegar smell. Yeah, but not as strong as I maybe thought. No, and that's fine. Tart, but not unpleasant. It's nice. A little bit sweet. I'm going to put two fingers in my mouth.

That's classic. I think even though the flavour isn't great, amazing, the texture sells. It almost proves our point from before. But the texture goes with that, with salt and vinegar, doesn't it? And the aftertaste... It's the way it delivers the flavour. Well, the aftertaste of the kind of maize,

as it settles, really softens the palate. It does. It's got a nice... They're just a delicious crisp, really, aren't they? So Moorish. I do prefer the ready salted ones.

Really? Yeah. It's, I don't know, gets me hard, that one. That's a top ten snack for me, the ready salted chip sticks. I think I prefer these. Now, we've had our fun, Paul. Oh, we have had fun. It's time to give these a score.

Right. Flavour. I'd say... Do we do it out of ten or five? Ten. God, you really can't remember Jack shit no I don't out of 10

we have to agree we have to agree not what you give not what I give we need to get a consensus give me some figures throw a figure at me 6 for salt and vinegar

in that it's fine but it's not particularly amazing and it's quite subtle I'm not going to go lower than 7 it's a good flavour it's not a classic I'm not going to

I'm not going to die on this hill. I'll go with seven for you. Because sometimes you get salt and vinegar that's too salt and vinegar and it's almost unpleasant to eat. Yeah.

You're saying it's a bit too sort of soft for you. Yeah. But not in a bad way. It's just not remarkable salt and vinegary flavour. I think it's great. Texture?

Nine. Nine. That's a classic texture. The shape, the long, you know know fingered maze construction

the way it melts on your tongue and crunches and the fingers I like it when a finger goes deep inside my mouth and I can suck its salt off

for a bit and then once that's all gone I can bite down the texture yes but you're right I mean you're trying to be funny

but you're right he's doing the hand bass pardon, but you're right. I mean, you're trying to be funny, but you're right. He's doing the hand base. Ooh, pardon. You're right. It's the length as well as the... Isn't it? Isn't it, ladies?

It's the length that matters. It's like having a crispy potato straw in your mouth or something. So that brings us to nostalgia for chipsticks. Now, it's very high for me. As long as, as way back as I can remember, I'd always had chipsticks in a packed lunch. Oh, you used to have them in your packed lunch? I would get a big multi-pack of crisps from Iceland or whatever,

which had like three packets of Quavers and three chipsticks and three this and three frazzles or whatever it was. So over the course of the week, we'd get a mix of those. But I always remember chipsticks being in a lunchbox. Yes. And also, they seem like they belong in that pantheon of nostalgic sweets

in the UK when you can go like oh it's in the same thing as Zoom bars you know Zoom ice creams and

Whispers absolutely it's a totally old school snack from the era the pre the 80s I look at it

and I think Grange Hill you know what I mean I totally do I think Grange Hill. You know what I mean? I totally do. I think adverts on the telly between... Yeah, on Bullseye. Newsround. Yeah.

Newsround comes on and you want Newsround to finish. I think going live. So, very high nostalgia. The other thing I should mention on that is that, like I've said before, walkers are totally using the nostalgia factor to sell these crisps in the present day, aren't they? Yeah.

By keeping the Smiths brand. Logo, which in itself is quite nostalgic. It totally is. It goes for that kind of Victorian, or certainly obviously early 20th century kind of look. Yes. In the lettering for Smiths, you're right. So I'm going to give this nine.

Nine for nostalgia. I don't know why I wouldn't give it a 10, but maybe because maybe it's particular to our generation. Let's not go overboard.'re right. So I'm going to give this 9. 9 for nostalgia. I don't know why I wouldn't give it a 10, but maybe because maybe it's particular to our generation. Let's not go overboard. All right. And value for money, it's going to be a high scoring. 39p for a packet. They are a lot cheaper than a lot of others.

These are in the Bobby's League, and you get 3 for a pound. It's kind of sad in many respects, because you think classic brand, but it's also got that budget range feel going to it, which you kind of feel is great but it kind of feels like it should be up there with the greats. Anyway, I'm going to give that 7.5 for value for money.

8. Because look, it's 3 for a pound or something. Yeah, I mean it is good value for money. Chipsticks are one of the strongest crisps we've ever done. Well, let's find out what the score is. It might be a bit of a dark horse. Alright. So I'm just going to put it into the computer. Oh God.

The computer's got a problem. Oh, the computer's... I think it's got a virus. 33. 33 points. Not bad at all. It's definitely up there. Maybe not the biggest, but it's definitely up there. It's up there. I think the flavour maybe lets it down a little bit, but still.

It did for you. Even so, it'd still be 34. So, you know, here we go. Let's move on to the next thing. up there. I think the flavour maybe let it down a little bit, but still. Even so, it'd still be 34, so here we go. Let's move on to the next thing. Okay. Thank you. You're listening to the League of Snacks on the Cheap Show podcast. And next up on the League of Snacks, finding hilarity in austerity.

Now this is genuinely a cult crisp. Is it? That I'm about to produce. This is not easy to find. Is it? People sort of I'm about to produce. This is not easy to find. Is it? But, you know, people sort of go, oh, chip sticks, you never see them anymore. You fucking do.

But this crisp isn't exactly... They never went away, did they? No. Monster Munch went away. Okay. Do you remember when they went away and they changed to small and everyone was like,

I will fucking burn the fuckers down! The 90s was a dark time for crisps. It really was. It was certainly dark time for Monster Munch. And for confectionery in general. Yeah. Grifters ended in The 90s was a dark time for crisps. It really was. It was certainly a dark time for Monster Mons. And for confectionery in general. Yeah. Grifters ended in the 90s. Don't remember that.

I was thinking about this the other day, Paul. You know when Grifters... Should we do a memorial section of Cheap Show where we just name the crisps that don't exist anymore? Grifters wasn't a crisp, though. It was a chewy chocolate bar. Oh, okay. You know what Grifters? No.

Drifters. Blue packet. It was like a wafer with caramel and chocolate around it. No. Grifter. There's Drifter. It was a Grifter

of a brown packet. It may have been a Drifter. Here we go with the internet. Anyway, you're saying what? Well, they were obviously struggling in the 90s because they used to come out with a different

limited edition like every six months. They had apple pie flavour. That was really good and like banana flavour Drifter that was Drifters that was Drifters

you just invented a snack called Drifters Drifters is like a bit the harder edged one there's literally no snack that I can find called Drifter okay there is

so it's a Drifter bar I bet there's a porn mat called Drifter though I don't want to read that does it yeah Narco hole? She has many, many points of entry.

Right. What's the next snack then? Come on, this section's been going 23 minutes. Well, shut up. It's always on the clock, isn't he? Branigans. Branigans. Now, tell me a little bit about Branigans.

Branigans was, again, a 90s thing. It was new, I believe, in the early 90s. I think they probably came out around 94, but do you tell me when they were introduced? I will tell you now, because I will go to... Oh, it's KP. I'll go to their wicket... They're a KP...

KP used to be big players, but now they just do nuts, don't they? Yeah. They used to have all sorts of crips, KP, didn't they? Oh, yeah. Brands can't... Okay, so it's... Show me their website. nuts, don't they? Yeah. They used to have all sorts of crisps, KP, didn't they? Yeah. Brands, okay, so it's

show me their website. I can't find a particular page for a... On Wikipedia? Yeah. We'll never know then, will we? No.

Brands, hang on, there's a KP website page about it, but it's just all bumpf. The original Mr. Branigan, a shopkeeper of Irish heritage, took his popular crisps all the way to America to sell on a market stall. They were an instant hit and now the crisps that still carry the Branigan, a shopkeeper of Irish heritage, took his popular crisps all the way to America to sell on a market stall.

They were an instant hit, and now the crisps that still carry the Branigan's name are an established favourite, particularly in pubs and catering businesses. Cooked in sunflower oil, Branigan's crisps are currently available in two flavours, roast beef and mustard, and smoked ham and pickle. Paul, we have both flavours of Branigans here today. Now, do you have any memories of Branigans? No, I really don't. They came out when I was at school in the 90s

and they were something. Really, people used to hanker after them. Do you remember? What? You don't see those anymore. Roysters. No, they're about, I think. Roysters with the... Bubbly crisps. Bubbly. Yeah. We have to do those. We have to do those, don't see those anymore. Roysters. No, they're about, I think. Oysters with the...

Bubbly crisps. Bubbly. Yeah. We have to do those. We have to do those, don't we, mate? If we can find them. Maybe they don't make them anymore. I've not seen Roysters about...

Apparently on Twitter, someone said that Walkers were considering bringing it back because someone mentioned to them about cheese moments. Well, if they're going to bring back anything, could you please bring back cheese moments? Please? You still print it on your stupid fucking backboard lazy bastards or is that just a problem where the backboards stay up because the

pubs own it and they just stick no because you see new ones they've been new i saw this one around the corner it's new it's like a backboard and at the top it says scampi fries yeah and then it's got a picture of a packet of cheese moments on it, which do not exist. No matter what, walkers are so coy about it, aren't they? They're like, ooh, maybe if you lick my fanny, I'll... What? Right, let's get on with these, Chris. Brannigans. Oh, I might make them.

I might be making them. They might be somewhere. Right. Stop. Shut up, Paul. We can just stop doing the podcast now. It's up to us, you know. All right.

Fucking hell. Well, engage with the league oh god right uh yes so these are real cult crisp branigans i've got more information on crisps it's just in kenyan produce as kp was originally known was a father i did not know that kenyan kenyon that's oh that's in the name kenyan produce was k as kp was originally known was a father and son operation that operated in rotherham, South Yorkshire, in 1853. They originally produced sweets, jams and pickles. By the early 1990s,

the company was known as Kenyon & Son and Craven Limited. The company became Roasted & Salted Nut Specialists. Oh, yeah, Nut Specialists, yeah. The company dominated the cinema snack market during the golden age of the film industry and the early 1950s. They were Britain's foremost salty nut and snack producer supplier.

They were taken over by United Biscuits in 1968, but the KP subsidiary continued to expand onto the specialist crisp and snacks market. In 2012, for a reported half a billion pounds, the company was sold to a German snack and food distribution specialist, InterSnack. Along with others such as Knickknacks, Discos, Branigans has developed into a recognisable

brand in its own right. While the lengthy process continues, Branigans does not have its own website and the crisps are not available in as many outlets as we have previously seen. They are very hard to come by these days. New owner InterSnack may discontinue them. However, whatever the future holds for Branigans, this is the only literal acknowledgement

Intersnack currently provide for their range and then tells the thing I just said to you a couple of minutes ago on their website, on KP's website. So they are a cult crisp.

Yeah. People sort of, they're not very widely... A cult crisp, not a cult crisp. No, they're not an occult crisp. No, you can't use this to summon the devil.

No. Very funny, quite dry, Paul. Shut up. Right. Can't do me anger stick. devil. No. Very funny. Quite dry, Paul. Shut up. Right. Can't do me anger stick. Don't do your anger stick. Now, Paul, so they are, they said that you do see them in pubs much more than you see

them in like corner shops, basically. But you do occasionally see them in corner shops. And I remember the roast beef and mustard flavour being a particular favourite of mine. So we'll start with those. Let's start with those. You don't like these, Paul. I haven't said that. When did I say that?

When did I say it at any point? You said it with your eyes. What am I saying with my eyes right now? I don't know. That's not safe for work. Ladies and gentlemen, a secret. A licky, licky, fanny, fanny.

Do you just think that's good enough? Do you? It's not good enough. Do you think to sit there and go, I've got nothing to say so I'm just going to say

licky, licky, fanny, fanny. Is that what you want on a t-shirt? No, don't. Is that what you want on a t-shirt? Please don't make a t-shirt. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Wear a t-shirt that No, don't. Is that what you want on a t-shirt? Please don't make a t-shirt. Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Wear a t-shirt that says Licky Licky Fanny Fanny on the high street. Don't. And actually, I want Eli's face. Not an animated one. Don't. I don't want an animated face.

I want the actual photographic face of Eli Silverman licking his lips with the words Licky Licky Fanny Fanny on a t-shirt. Stop. Excise that from your on a t-shirt. Stop. Excise that from your memory, everyone.

That's the merch I want. You're going to have to get serious now, Paul. All right, come on. Because this is the League of fucking Snacks and Crisps. Let's huff and stuff. We're opening first. Branigan's Roast Beef and Mustard. What's the packet like?

It's trying to imitate paper. Well, that's because that's how they originally sold. He sold them in a greased paper bag. Yeah, greased paper bag. So it's very much that old, tiny, rustic. And he looks like a hardworking shopkeeper in his apron. Derek would hate him. Unless he was crippled in some way.

Or he's got a fit mump. Yeah. He's lost everything. That's the subtext in that. A husband and a son. And Or he's got a fit mump. Yeah. He's lost everything. That's the subtext in that. A husband and a son. And all she's got left is Derek's advances. Yeah. And his pop, his supplier pop.

Now. Would you like to sit in the front seat? That has a kind of stale huff. Oh, you're right. They always were a bit like that. Really? Yeah. They look kind of dusty.

They are dusty. That's one of the... Now, I'd say these have an almost quite unique, different... They're. Really? Yeah. They look kind of dusty. They are dusty. That's one of the... Now, I'd say these have almost quite unique, different... They're thick cut. Yeah. So they're much thicker

than your standard walkers, Chris. You can feel they're much more rigid. But they're not... They're not like a kettle chip. No. And they've got this dusting of flavour on the top.

They've got quite a heavy dusting. And that is the roast beef and mustard flavour, Paul. Let's go for it. Oh. Oh. Good crunch. Mmm. And quite... heavy dusting and that is the roast beef and mustard flavor paul let's go for it oh oh good crunch and quite some actual heat coming off the mustard as well do you know what i mean that's a good bar snack yeah it's actually got some heat some sulfur heat off coming off the there's not a lot of the beef but i think that beef comes through in the aftertaste when it's a good flavor yeah interesting it is good all right okay next what my favourite? I don't think this is going to be as good, the smoked ham and pickle.

He's gone for seconds on the roast beef and mustard. I am hungry. That's the classic, mate. Now, I'm huffing this. I don't expect it to be much different. Different colour. Oh. Oh.

That's got a huff. That's a strange huff. There are two smells fighting for dominance there. Smoked ham and pickle is what we're tasting now. The Branigan smoked ham and pickle flavour. Proper thick cut crisps. That's their tagline. Proper thick cut crisps. Hughes hangover There's a sort of tang, a real tangy

and a smoky, and a bit chlorine-y, isn't it? It's a little bit, as I say because there's the sharp tang of the pickle and the bacon-y smell of the pig it make it seem bad. I lost the sentence. It fell away. I'm going to have a bite.

What do you think? I can't really taste the pickle. It is there. It's just a sort of sweetness, isn't it? It's like that kind of Branston pickle. And I don't want... The thing is, I'm never a bit of a fan of bacon-flavoured crisps. That's what it essentially is. There's something false about it. It's too sweet. Fra Branston pickle. And I don't want... The thing is, I'm never a bit of a fan of bacon-flavoured crisps. That's what it essentially is.

There's something false about it. It's too sweet. Frazzles is the obvious exception. There's a smokiness to it. Definitely not as strong a flavour as that roast beef and mustard. There's a certain... That's got a kick to it. And that's warm day, pub, beer garden, that snack, pint of maybe IPA.

It burns through, doesn't it? The mustard. And you know what it does have? What? In spades. What? Can you guess what I'm going to say? Here we go. Amplitude. Amplitude, ladies and gentlemen.

That has amplitude. Did you know someone complained about you using that phrase? Why? Oh, God. Why is it all negging out now? No, some musician got in touch to say you were wrong because it means this and blah blah blah and i was going to reply and i thought but no we've mentioned on numerous occasions that it is a used term by professionals in the food industry to

describe as you know flavor it's not it's a it's a different different use of the word ben dear eli i'm a musician and audio engineer and it pains me each time you describe flavours of food working together with amplitude. Amplitude. You should be talking about phase. While amplitude is affected when mixing sound together, it is just a result of their phase alignment. When the phase is aligned, the amplitude is greater, but

once sound louder also has more amplitude. I found you through Barsians but now I listen to teacher regularly. Thank you for your time, Ben. Now, I don't know if he gets the point there. He's, yeah, he's, it's all technical. Ben, thank you for getting in touch. Never do it again. Yeah, it's...

As we're saying, you're barred. No, you're not. We love you. Come here. Kiss, kiss. Okay, well, I'll take back amplitude. It's just people like it. No, don't.

People like it when I say amplitude. Because then you get people saying, or actually, it's not modular, is it? Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Where does it all end? You know what I mean? It's not actually a poultice.

It's more of a nappy, isn't it, really? Set up your fort and stay in it. A poultice worn in the pants area is a nappy. It's a filled nappy. It's a pre-filled nappy. And there's no Richard Brandoff or Jimmy Biscuits. I've got a whole tranche. Yeah.

You can wait in my ory. Okay. So let's just score these. Now, Paul, it's time to score these. Fuck yeah. But what I mean by amplitude is, wouldn't you say, it's like you were saying, the roast beef sort of comes through after the mustard. It complements it really well, doesn't it?

Yeah. There's a synergy between those two flavours. Which means it works as a universal flavour rather than different flavours fighting for supremacy. But with the smoked ham and pickle one, there's much more of a jarring fight of the flavours. Yeah, and I don't really like the bacon flavouring

all that much. So let's go to the scores. Flavour. We're going to do roast beef first. Yes. All right. I'm going to go for 8.5. I'll go with 8 for first. Yes. All right. I'm going to go for 8.5. I'll go with 8 for that.

That's fine. So I'll let you go with 8.5. I think it's a bold flavour and it works. Texture? Oh, I don't know. I'm going to say 7 because I like the crunch. But I don't know, the overall... They're very good.

It's very good. It's got a real crunch and a real weightiness. I don't know. What did you say, 7? Can we get up to 7.5? Yeah. What weightiness. I don't know. What did you say, 7? Can we get up to 7.5? Yeah. What do you mean I don't know? Why?

What's your problem with the texture? Because I kind of agree with you that it works, but at the same time, it feels cheap. It feels like a cheaply made snack. It feels cheap to you? Yeah, I can't explain it. The colour, the look of it. You know, I don't know.

Is it almost like... They're thick cut, aren't they? Yeah, but it's not like a Pringle. 7.8 I'm happy with. 7.5. Okay. 7.8 would make scoring way too difficult. 7.5?

Yeah. Nostalgia. See, I don't know about this. They are a definite cult item, and they work off their cultishness. So I think we're going to go... But they're like the Devo snacks, where people who know them them love them but people outside of that don't really get them on the mainstream yeah and the way that they they built that up almost like because they only make

them available in pubs and clubs and things so it's sort of they have a specialness about they have an association don't they with particular with going out or you know like you said drinking i guess i just didn't come across it much in my growing up time. They were big in London in the 90s, yeah. What do you want to do about it? You see, that used to be the case for like the triumvirate of snacks, didn't it? You used to see them in pubs only, really. Yeah, but then...

But now they're everywhere with their fake backboard with the fucking cheese moments lie. The cheese moments lie. The ongoing betrayal of walkers. Because you think that you look in the pub and you look up and you see the half- snack you know i think you got cheese moments and you get up and you go no bacon bacon bacon scampi scampi scampi scampi scampi cheese bacon bacon

scampi scampi scampi scampi scampi bacon fries bacon bacon bacon bacon scampi scampi scampi scampi bacon bacon bacon scampi scampi bacon scampi scampi scampi now you never get a cheese moment no you never go bacon scampi scampi until you go to the loo and have your own

personal cheese moment oh god you need to go to a doctor now if your wee or anything that comes out of your penis resembles like

I don't know cheese from a tin I didn't say that you know squirty cheese no it does not do you do you emit squirty cheese from your dick does not do you do you emit squirty cheese

oh god does it come out in a very very thin do you mean i've gone too far yeah i don't want to think about that you're making me think of that infected horse penis again well that's your problem not mine god when you pee does it come out like you've just popped a big zit? No! Absolutely not! It's normal wee-wee. Right. I can't stop thinking about infected horse penis stuff. Right. Flavour? No, we're on nostalgia

for these. I would say six. I think we should go for 7.5 at the lowest. No, seven as high as I'll go with that. Because it's such a niche thing. I'm already coming up half a point. Seven. Or at the lowest. No, 7 as high as I'll go with that. Because it's such a niche thing. All right. I'm already coming up half a point.

7. Or a whole point. And then what? Value for money. How much are these, Chris? Not good. They're not good. These were a quid.

95p. I don't think you get that much in them. They also, yeah, they don't, but that's because they're dense. Yeah, they're dense, but. Now let's see how much this weighs.

How much is it? 40 grams. See, it's more than it is in the chipsticks by 3 grams. There's more actual stuff in there. Yeah, but they're dense, but... Now, let's see how much this weighs. How much is it? 40 grams. See, it's more than is in the chipsticks by three grams. There's more actual stuff in there. Yeah, but they're heavier snacks and they're maize-like puffy snacks. So you get more in because it will still weigh less. And those cost a lot less.

Anyway, so these were 95p. I did buy them in the city where it's an overpriced sort of shop for where it was. But I still think we should go for 6.5 for value for money. All right, I'll go with 6.5. now we're just in the mic with a fucking thing don't get angry don't get angry people tune out not listen to the show anymore 6.5 you've neutered me now we just need a flavor score for the the less good ham and pickle. What did we give the mustard one? 8.5. 8.5. I would say 4.5. Really? That low?

I didn't like it. It's not an enjoyable flavour. I'd say 5, just to be fair. All right, 5. And now it's time to run the scores. On the doors, Marjorie Dawes, what's the score? He's nicking stuff off Shooting Stars again. Au revoir, vous.

Don't, don't. Right. Here I am. Just giveah voon. Don't. Don't. Right. Iranoo. Just give me a second. Did I? Oh, no, Vika. Queen of Ivita. One of those strange

edible crabs that live in your wig. Can you stop quoting other more popular and successful comedians? Ooh! You wouldn't let it lie. Shut up.

Really, shut up. Right. What's on the end of the stick, Vic? So, Branaghans, the classic flavour of Branaghans, the one that really people do go for. Mustard and beefy. Roast beef and mustard gets 29.5. Oh, okay.

All right. That's fine. And 26 for the less, lot less strong. Yeah, a lot less. Smoked ham and pickle flavour. I like Branaghans, though. I would get those. Smoked ham and pickle flavour. I like Branaghans though. I would definitely, I would get those.

They're roast beef and mustard. I'd have those. Yeah, if they were more common and cheaper, I'd probably pick them up more. And that's the League of Snakes and Crafts. League of Snakes. Snakes and crisps.

Twat. Tarzan Boy by Baltimore. That was the name of the band. That's the name of that song. And now another earworm for you. Do you know what that one is? It's not a dog. Hello.

I am King Earworm. Oh, I don't like that voice. No, don't do that voice. I am super excited to be... No, you don't have to do a voice. Think of this and pull. And I am King Earworm. Oh, I don't like that voice. No, don't do that voice. I am super excited to be... No, you don't have to do a voice. Think of this and pull. And I am King Earworm. Don't try and start with the character.

Try and start with the motivation. Okay? What's my motivation? You are the king. I am the king. King of earworms. Right, king of earworms. Okay.

So what do you think that character is then? He's obviously... Perhaps he's some kind of misogynistic... No, that's your characters all the time. Revealing more about your inner angst and issues with women in general. I think... No more questions, Your Honour.

No more questions. The fence rests. I think Richard Brando needs a dog to soften his image. He's already got one, hasn't he? No. I thought he had a dog. No. Why does all that barking happen when he talks then? That's what he says. No, he's a dog. He's not a dog. He's already got one, hasn't he? No. I thought he had a dog. No. Why does all that barking happen when he talks

then? That's what he says. No, he's a dog. He's not a dog! He's a dog. He can't quit the theatre critic dog. Richard Brandoff was a entrepreneurial doggy-wog. He wasn't. Ruff, ruff, ruff! I'm Richard Brandoff! Sausages! Right.

If it was a popular... It can't be that popular a dog. If it had been a popular dog, Mr. Biffo would have written a popular, it can't be that popular a dog. If it'd been a popular dog, Mr. Biffo would have written a film about it called Ruffles. Ruffles, that's what he's called. That's what Richard Brando's dog's called, Ruffles. Ruffles. Yeah, now.

Yeah, now. And I think that's just what he needs to soften his image and downplay the sort of the rapey stuff, right? Do you think that's what happens? You think Harvey Weinstein should get a fucking dog? Is that what you're saying? No, he wouldn't. image and downplay the sort of the rapey stuff right so do you think that's what happens you think Harvey Weinstein should get a fucking dog

is what you're saying no he wouldn't no one would go oh let him off he's got a dog he's got a little chihuahua do you know what you get on on Facebook all the time these days oh I'm

so depressed send pictures of dogs no cats as well and cats please send cats mate we don't need the internet for that if you've ever been in a dark place and someone shows you a little kitty popping its head out of a box

or falling down a couch, I don't like it. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. I don't like it. Meow. Right. Maybe Jimmy Biscuits needs a cat. Paul?

Jimmy Biscuits needs a cat called Bickies. Yeah. Meow. Meow, I'm a kitty. I'm a kitty Yeah. Meow. Meow, I'm a kitty. I'm a kitty cat. How are you? I'm a kitty cat. Are you a talking cat?

Yes. Okay. And what do you do around the house when Jimmy Biscuits is in? Meow, I just sleep. Okay, good. No, good. Work on that. That's good.

Meow. Yeah. I do his personal finances really yeah yeah no wonder jimmy biscuits is in a bit of trouble oh i've been to prison but you were a cat meow yes okay so how do you write things down like the numbers and stuff you take a pen and you hold it in your hand and you connect the pen what you're not in character now. You've gone out of character now. Oh. I thought you were asking me a question about how to write. Now, Paul. What are we doing?

Do you know what it's time for? Hit me. It's time for It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right.

Oh, yeah. And today, Price of Shite theme presented by my new punk band. Yeah. The Piss Crystals. Hey! Fuck you, I won't do it. And I've got my fop on it. So what we've learned is it's just another excuse.

I don't like going to bed. I've done a piss and it's gone all crispy. Do you know what's interesting about your characters and songwriting? They have this thing where they ejaculate something or expel something which suddenly turns to a different matter altogether. It's like... It's a great format. It's like you go... Piss crystals, mate.

Crispy and frothy and cheesy and spunky and gooey. Look at the striations in my wee. I've done a wee and I don't tell my mum about it. Piss crystals. Piss crystals. Piss crystals. Piss crystals.

Right. You've broken the mic with your piss crystals. See, I don't care about anything. Except this band. One. Piss crystals. Two. Three.

Paltice. Four. Five. Six. Are you trying not to get angry? Seven. Eight. Nine. Paltice War.

That's the name of their album. Eleven. Paltice War. Twelve. Paltice War on the streets. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. 11 Paltice Wall 12 Paltice Wall on the streets 13 14 15 16

17 18 19 20 Now it's time for the Price of Shite Paul Thank you And we're going to experiment with the format today I have been neutered

As is our want Stop saying You keep saying As is our want I like to. As is our want. Stop saying, you keep saying, as is our want. I like to say, as is our want. I know, you do, I know. As is our want, Paul, we are experimenting with the format of the Price of Shite. Yeah. Price of Shite, very loosely speaking, is us buying tat, not telling the other person the price, and getting them to guess it.

Yeah, and we like to think that when we go hunting for charity shop we find something unusual, something interesting, something that we can hang a chat on. Now, we've both got fresh tat out of charity shop round here today, don't we? We've both got two items today. Can I write my prices down so you don't accuse me of cheating later? Yes. Because I know what two items I'm going

to show. I've only got two items, but I think they're quite nice items. Alright, okay. So we've done a sort of versus version today, haven't we, Paul, where we are facing off against each other. And we've both got two items. And we're going to put them up against each other.

I've written them down. Put them up against each other and then rub them. Perhaps put a piece of string round it. Add some poultices to it. Now you're talking. It's time for us to start the Price of string around it. Add some poultices to it. Ah, well, now you're talking. It's time for us to start the Price of Shite off. It's the versus round. You present one, I present mine,

and we see which one is the cheapest. Yes. Do you want to go first? Well, no, let's... Do you want to write your prices down? No, you're going to trust me on this. So... Right. You'll just have to trust me on this.

Now, I've got my cheapest item. I'm excited. It's wrapped, which means it's delicate. Oh, it's a piece of objet d'art. It's an objet d'art, and that's for you, Paul. I can't wait. Guess the price. I'm going to feel it first.

We've both got this from Raise My Voice Foundation, or what, Human Freedom Foundation? What's that place called? I thought you took a picture of it so you'd remember. Isn't it Helping Men? Helping Men? Helping Men Charity. Helping Men to Josh Off. Raising Humanity. Joshing Men Off. isn't it helping men or helping men helping men charity helping men to josh off

raising humanity joshing men off joshing men without hands off I'm not going to shop at a charity shop that raises money to josh men off what if they have

lost their hands in combat oh I see yes so you provide the service yes you could just give thank you for your service

thank you for coming back from Iraq let me toss you off I will toss you off. How about, though, instead of doing that, we just put, like, a flashlight on the end of their stump? Are you obsessed with flashlights? You know that.

I'm not. Have you got one? No more questions, Your Honour. Yes, you do. No, but imagine it. I can't imagine it. I've never seen one. Perhaps you'd like to show me a flashlight.

I'll show you my flashlight. It looks like a flashlight, but it's got a big fanny on the end. Yeah, so good. You could strap that to his stump and that could work. How about raising money for that? Now, we both got this from the Human Relief Foundation. Paul, it is quite wanky, the name. Human Relief Foundation.

Oh, yeah, Human Relief. It was called the Man Relief Foundation. Man Hand Relief Foundation. Then it would be something else. The Man Gland Relief Foundation. Man Hand Relief Foundation. Then it would be something else. The Man Gland Relief Foundation. Good. We took turns going in there. Yeah, we did.

And I came out second. Oh, I haven't looked at it yet. This is my item, and I need you to guess the price of this. Right, well, I want to have a feel first, because it's still wrapped in its paper. The point scoring, you get two points if you get it on the nose and one point for being within 25p

either way of the correct price that's right right so I'm feeling it it looks like a statuette yeah it is so let's have a look

it's wrapped in newspaper oh it's horrible oh yeah it's one of those horrible why did they design this pieces of you know

it's art it's a statuette of a clown it's a clown and it's a clown that's into music because it's holding a violin it's quite well crafted

it's not it's horrible what's horrible about it it's plasticky it's because it's plasticky it's got that it's cheap clay made by a company called

Shudehill and it's still got the sticker on mint on card gift it's not it's not gift on it's fucking mint on sticker it's still got the sticker on. Mint on card. Gift. It's not. It's not gift on. It's fucking mint on sticker.

It's not. It's mint on sticker. It's got the original sticker. It's not. Usually these things are quite chipped and stuff. This is in perfect nick. Apologies. Oh, gosh.

I'm sorry. Fuck. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Suck my dick. Is that Hugh Grant's come back Hugh's Now He's got an orange coat Stop knocking the cable Sorry

It's not like it's invisible When you don't see it It's right there It is, it's in my blind spot It's right in my blind spot Alright, well What do you want to say About this clown

He's got a big fat belly Orange coat He's got a conductor's stick No, it's a bow He's got a fiddle And a coat he's got a conductor's stick no it's a bow he's got a fiddle and a bow yeah that's what I said and some sheet music

at his feet three things I've already said and he's blonde and he's got a hat on which looks like a kind of ice cream sundae with a cherry on top and he's got

a very plasticky finish it's an absolutely awful thing yeah oh how much do you think that cost me? I think...

Bear in mind, in the Human Relief Foundation, most items aren't actually priced in there. You just have to ask the lady. Yeah, that was my contentious point that I will be bringing up

later. She changed the price didn't she? So the clown, I'm going to suggest, was on the nose, a pound. Okay.

Pound on the nose, he says. I don't know why he wrote 11 pound then. No. I mean, he'd be way out there. Right. So would you the nose he says. I don't know why he wrote 11 pound then. No. Right. So would you like to see my first thing? Please. I'm surprised how good condition

this clown's in. I could resell this. You ready? Yeah. It's mint on card. Oh, fuck it is. Now, he's handed me a box, a cardboard box and it has a picture of a pint glass on it. It's a pop-up pint glass. It's a pop-up pint glass to keep in your pocket when you pop out for a pint.

You can pop the pocket out and pop out the pint and have a pint in a glass in your pub that pops up. Maybe it's a pale ale. Okay. And here it is. It's a telescopic pint glass. Isn't it? This is better than my clown. It's a bit big. It's a bitic pint glass. Isn't it? This is better than my clown. It's a bit big.

It's a bit bigger than I thought it was going to be. That's pretty cool, though. But it pops out from a flattened position. Is that a pint? I mean, I presume so. This is quite nifty, mate. I don't think it works like that. No?

No. I think it's just for sealing it all. So, yeah, it's a telescopic pint glass. Quite clever construction on that, isn't it? Yeah, it extends like a telescope almost. Yes. Yeah. It's a telescopic thing.

You need to clean it. It's just on the verge of being a novelty item and a practical item. It says on the box, the original go-anywhere collapsible pint glass. When the barrel starts flowing, don't get caught out. Pack a pop-up pint

and you'll be ready to knock one back at a moment's notice. Just flick the wrist and the cup magically extends. Give it a little tug for good measure. It's being dirty. Give it a little tug for good measure? Listen to the load. Did you say that? Yeah, listen to the load.

How dare they? Listen again and go boink every time you think it's making a bit of a knob gag kind of thing. Okay, here we go. When the barrel starts flowing, don't get caught out. Pack a pop-up pint and you'll be ready to knock one back at a moment's notice. Just flick your wrist and the cup magically extends. Give it a little tug for good measure. There you go.

From pocket to pint in seconds. It's a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be, but I guess it's a pint glass. It's a pint glass, mate. That has quite a nice build to it. Yeah. It's quite sturdy. It's like lot bigger than I thought it was going to be, but I guess it's a pint glass. It's a pint glass, mate. No, that has quite a nice build to it. Yeah. It's quite sturdy. It's like your coffee mug,

isn't it? It's like on my Stojo extendable telescopic coffee mug in rubber. Similar, yes. But the thing is, usually when you have pints,

you do get plastic pints, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could go into a pub and say, yeah. It would be very handy at a festival. Yeah, yeah.

Very good. So you have to buy those three pound pint glass things I actually think it's quite a nice thing Paul yeah well there you go how much though

do you think that is I got that from the same place yeah one thing I would say it might be a bit of a nightmare to clean it

because there's all these sort of edges overlapping edges where you could get gunk in there I guess but as I say

if it's only a temporary thing for a festival you give it a rinse under a cold tap yeah yeah nice that and it folds up into like a hockey puck edges where you could get gunk in there. I guess, but as I say, if it's only a temporary thing for a festival, you give it a rinse under a cold tap. Yeah, yeah. Nice that, and it folds up into like a hockey puck sized thing.

Yeah, it is like a hockey puck, isn't it? When you put it on his case. He's got a little picture on his face. I'm thinking it's... Again, from the same

charity shop, the Helping Relief Men shop. £2.50. Pint glass. You say £2.50. Pint glass. You say £2.50. Okay. Round one is over.

Let's go on to round two. Okay. Do you want me to go first this time or do you want to go first? Alright, here we go. Say what you see. Silver man. It's a Postman Pat egg cup. Yay! He's in a van. He's in a van. It's a Postman Pat egg cup yay he's in a van he's in a van it's a little van

a little ceramic ceramic van van yeah with Postman Pat in and you put an egg in it and it's quite nice some

nice transfers of Postman Pat and it would make a nice little last straight he's looking out the front with his cat and what is it Jess

Jess the cat and he's looking out the side with his cat Postman Pat Postman the cat. And he's looking out the side with his cat. Postman Pat. Postman Pat. Postman Pat and his black and white car. And do you know what the... Early in the morning.

The number plate is, Paul. Just when day is dawning. He picks up all the posts back in his van. So it's good because it's early in the morning. Hey, hey, hey. Everybody knows his bright red van. No one likes this. Everybody knows when they stop and see him.

I don't want you to... I don't remember all the words with a stop ring. Letters through your door. Please stop, Paul. Please stop. Please. I had that on single when I was a kid. I had that Postman Pat song because they released it as a song.

And the B-side was better. It was Fred, the Fix It Man. And his song was, Oh, let me fix it for you. Isn't that Bob the Builder? No. I'll fix it for you. Bob the Builder.

Fix it. No, he did. But there's also a character in Postman Pat. And he had a song that's called Let Me Fix It For You. I think you're conflating all sorts of different things. If you want to, I'll change the situation. Yeah, see, that's... Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

Paul Gannon sings all the TV hits. No, he doesn't. Coming this Christmas. Thank you for being a friend. No, don't sing that. Please. Bum down the road and back again. Please stop.

We've got to focus. Fuck us. Fuck us. Yeah. Let's fuck us on the van. Yeah, fuck us on the fucking van. So yeah, it's a little van. And it's got a picture of Pat and Jess.

And it's got a royal mail. That's quite a nice little thing, actually, Paul. And look, he's waving out the window. But he should be paying attention to the road. It's quite a nice little thing. Look, how does this work? Look, he's driving. You see him. And he's waving out. And you think, oh paying attention to the road. It's quite a nice little thing. How does this work? Look, he's driving, you see him

and he's waving at you and you think, oh hello Pat, he's coming out the side and look he's already looking at you. He's looking at the other side. He's looking at the other side

at the same time. It's almost as if there's three Postman Pats and Jesses in there. There are three Pats in there. Because it's one coming out every window, isn't there? One coming out every window.

Now, where did we buy this? At the second shop? No, this was the second shop, the one up the road. Which is our Raise My Voice Foundation. Thank you, you raise my voice foundation which if it was uh some kind of sex thing would be raise my knob foundation wouldn't it or if you want to be a bit massage as i know you like raise my skirt foundation i don't want to be a bit massage you

know what's what's a bit massage paul? Having a shortened version of that word. Massage? Yeah, it was a little bit massage last night, but it's all right, isn't it? You know what I mean? It's all right, just a little bit massage. You're sort of trivialising the whole concept by giving it a silly title. Anyway, I'd say... Do you like it?

I do like it. I think it's at least £2, so I'm going to say £2. Right. £220. £220? say £2. Right. £2.20. £2.20? Yeah. You sure? Yeah. Okay.

£2.20, he says for that. Let's put it on the docket. There we go. And finally... He's next to the clown, standing next to the clown. Yeah. I used to like the animation in Postman Pack, because, you know, it was stop motion. Yes.

But the movement of it, and, like, when you saw his van go along the roads, there was such a nice fluid... It's a lovely show. Yeah. It was a great show for kids. Yeah, and it's still banging around now, I think, as well. I think it's all CGI now. Oh, that's terrible.

I might be wrong. Here is my second item. He's always on the show. Fireman's Southland. Here, Paul, is my second item. His engine's bright and clean. Oh, it's an interesting bit of objet d'art. Now, tell them what you see there, Paul.

It is a clock with an alarm. Bell and melody. It looks like a children's alarm clock with an alarm. Bell and melody. It looks like a children's alarm clock, doesn't it? But it's almost like in a sort of pastel nightmare colours.

Now, let's even get it to play the melody. I don't know. I don't know how you work it. It's got a pastel blue case, yellow bell, encapsulated inside. It's got a switch

on the side, but no mark. I don't know what that does. Now, let's see. Oh, no. Here we go. Put it on. Oh, that... No, it that does. Now let's see. Oh no, here we go. I've put it on. Oh that, no it's not on.

That's melody. Watch the bell and then the melody is So it'll either play a melody out of it because it's got a little speaker. Which of those icons is the melody?

I would have said the one that it's at now is the melody because the other one is the bell isn't it? And let's see if we can get it to go off. So what time is it?

Not what time it is. I just need to set the alarm to go off now. It is, as we record this, quarter past seven in the evening. It doesn't matter though does it? Because I just need to set the alarm to go off now it is as we record this quarter past seven in the evening it doesn't matter though does it because I just need to put the

because I'm not going to sit here for five hours we wait for midnight I can just put the alarm to go off what the clock here we go hey

it's not coming off it's not stopping. What's the button on the side do? Well, that worked. Why would... Wait. So maybe the bell is stopped by that. Ah! So we haven't blown the bell.

Let's try the bell. Oh, this is thrilling stuff. Well, it's not. It's not. As Eli tries to make a little clockwork. It's weirdly piercing, isn't it? That melody. You all right, love?

Which is the alarm now? I don't know. It'll probably be the same thing. All you've got to do is turn the switch. A couple of minutes. I've got it. It's coming. All right, you set the alarm for the bell now, have you?

I'm setting the alarm for the bell and we're going to hear the bell. Here we go. I can't wait. I'm in bed snoring. It doesn't seem to want to work. Oh, Drew Barrymore. You're my favourite Charlie's Angel. I'm sleeping in snoring. It doesn't seem to want to work. Oh, Drew Barrymore. You're my favourite Charlie's Angel.

I'm sleeping in and having a dream. The bell doesn't work. What? There's no bell. Who's going to wake me up from my Drew Barrymore dream apart from Mr Sticky? That's not funny. That's the melody. The bell don't work.

The bell don't work? No, the bell don't work. The light does. work? No, the bell don't work. Light does. It's... What, there's a light? Oh, there's a little... Maybe that's what it is then, just a light. Should be a bell, though, shouldn't it?

It's got a strange squat appearance. Yeah, it's got that retro 50s kind of look to it. And also, but like a child. It's very titty-tubby sort of colours. Yeah, it's very basic. There you go, there it is. It's all right, that. It's not too bad. It's not too bad.

How much did I pay for that? Does it glow up in the dark as well? Is that what that green does? Yeah, that's glow in the dark. There you go. You won't be able to not see it. Right, I'm going to say that that is £3.50. Okay. So clock £3.50.

Now, right, we'll go back to the clown. Yeah. okay so clock £3 and £50 now right we'll go back to the clown yeah and we're going to see who has won this week's edition of Versus

Price of Shine it's PVE edition of Cheap Show and here are Piss Crystals again to do the intermission song

Piss Crystals Piss Crystals yeah that's it they're done now they're done now. They're done now for it's not your best song.

It's not going to stick in my head like all the other songs I remember. Oh, cheers. King of your worm.

You're back. I gotta go sleep. I gotta go sleep sometimes. It's not very good at earworms for a king of them. I've got an off

day. Right. We all allowed an off day, Paul. And I think the listeners will hopefully agree with

that sentiment for today's show. What are you getting at? We've been poor today. I've been low energy. It's your hangover. Oh, okay. Peel back the fucking foreskin of the show, Paul. You have been hungover and you even apologised to me numerously before we started recording.

I'm sorry, Ray. I'm sorry. Now, the clown. Mints on card clown. Paul, the clown is mints on... I've got a sickness. You've got to help me. I didn't say that.

I can't stop it. I've just got a bit of a cold. I had a heavy weekend. Made a drink. Paul. The clown. I'll be all right when the show starts, mate. Don't you worry.

I won't let you down. He's kicked in, isn't he? Yeah, he has, Dr. Footlights. Now, this clown, which is me. Hello, I am Dr. Footlights. No, shut up. No, this is good. No.

Dr. Footlights, he makes you dance. He makes you sing. What does he use? What kind of... Oh, Dr. Footlights uses an interesting combination of powders and crystals. Oh, okay. Piss crystals? Piss crystals.

Where do you get the piss crystals from? I ask them to urinate into a jar. Who? And I boil it down. Who? Secret suppliers. Secret children? No, not secret children.

Children do not have the spunk needed to make it all go fizzy, Pop. Okay. So this is my actual... Mr. Footlight has an interesting... Dr. Footlight. Dr. Footlight. Are you a doctor? Are you a real doctor?

I've got the papers in my bag. Okay. And I would like to just mention right now, yes, for sure, that I have all the necessary paperwork to prove that I am a doctor. Okay, good. No one's asking. No one's asking you to... I'm not in this particular country.

I cannot practice medicine. Look, we don't need you to treat any of us. Are you sure? I have interesting powders and crystals in my bag. I would like to see those, but when we're off, Mike. I can boil one of them on a spoon and you can enjoy them and you'll be good for the night. Okay, yes.

Dr. Footlights will make sure you are ready to go. He's the best doctor. This clown, Paul. Yeah. No, not Dr. Footlights is walking away now. Paul is gone. Paul is gone. Dr. Footlights will now be seeing us the rest of this episode. Okay. Dr. Footlights. Yeah. I need the rest of this episode okay Dr Footlights yeah I need a price

for the clown for me I believe I said he said one pound Paul said one pound did he one pound the price was two pound

it's two pound it's quite a lot wasn't it it was very much it's because she she saw it was mint on card so I get nothing

nothing nothing for that one see it's catching my accent is like earworm. Isn't that right? Yeah, you'll be right. You've created two new characters, but I've created a whole band of punks. And I'm watching from the background.

Three new characters, Paul. We did a whole episode without any characters, and now you're overcompensating. Who's this over there? It's Sideways Harry. Not Sideways Harry. Hello. No. I'm Sideways Harry.

Oh. I can't come in. Why? I can only go sideways. Which way round is your bum hole? Oh, it's east. That's good. I'm glad.

East. Oh, you know who's sitting... Oh, I've just spotted someone sitting next to Sideways Harry. Oh, who's that? It looks like it's Storytime Grandpa. Oh, Story know who's sitting Oh, I've just spotted someone sitting next to Sideways Harry Oh, who's that? It looks like it's Storytime Grandpa Oh, Storytime Grandpa No, you're not

Yeah, I'm just introducing him Okay I am, yeah, it's crazy It is super cool, yeah, for good For sure Yeah, so Storytime Grandad, how are you? Oh, yes, to be sure, to be sure Hello, say hi

You know, a funny thing A funny thing happened to me. Oh, meow, yes. Funny thing happened to be sure. Funny thing happened to me. Down the road there.

Funny thing happened to me down the road. Yes, it's good for Tony. Yeah, they looked at the shop. It said, it said food store. Yeah, shop.

So it did. It said food store. So it did. It said food store. Oh, a huge food store. I said, can I have some food? I said. And they said, yes, as long as it's genitals. Do you like to eat other people's genitals? And I said, it's funny.

So you should say that. So you should. Because I was in the war. And we had to eat so many genitals during the war. So many. I'm disrespectful to all those people who lost their lives. What war? Oh, fuck you.

Right. God. I'm descending into madness. Don't do the cat. Oh, yes. Good. I am Dr. Footlight. Let's do the other items and get out of this podcast.

Mega character. I tried to do all three voices at once, then. I nearly lost my fucking mind. I know. Now we're on Postman Pat. No, we're not. Pint glass. How much?

You said that was £2.50. Now, I like the pint glass. I like your items today, Paul. Yeah, thank you. Useful, that. Right. And I said £2.50. And the actual price

was £1. £1. £1. So, nil poix. Nil poix. So far. Twice.

Nil poix for twice. Right. Next one was my Postman Pat egg holder. And you said it was two pound 20. Because I was hedging my bets because I'm trying to get the one point if I'm close. You were wise too. It was two pound on the nose. Oh, yeah. So, that's one point if I'm close. You were wise too. It was £2 on the nose. Oh, yeah.

So that's one point for you there. One point. One point. Congratulations, Mr. Silverman. Thank you. I'm in the lead. And lastly, the Retro 50 squat bell and melody clock. I've won this week's episode of Price of Shite.

I said £3.50. £4. £4. Almost, but not quite. No cigar. I nearly said £4, but I thought that might have been too much. Almost, but not quite. No cigar. I nearly said four pounds, but I thought that might have been too much. No, it wasn't.

Oh, shame. It was too much because it doesn't work properly, but yeah. Oh. Well, what have you learnt this week? Now, Paul, you've got to have one more item in there,

don't you? Yeah, but I'll save it. I mean, let's just do it. Come on, get it out. Are you sure? Yeah, just quickly. Get your item out and let's quickly do it.

I'm interested to see what else you've got. Oh, it's a little book. Conjuring Tricks. Oh, fuck. I wish I hadn't asked. I wish I hadn't asked. All right. And that means I can bring in my new character, Flash Jack.

No. The magician. No. I am Flash Jack. And I am a magician no shit I was kind of expecting that I'm gonna make all your dreams come true

now Flash Jack what about this book it's more of a descriptive book isn't it it doesn't tell people how to do these tricks oh fuck it it doesn't tell people

how to do these tricks does it it just tells yeah I think so it describes them well yeah it's just the art of it's quite nice actually it's the art of... It's quite nice, actually.

It's the art of... Conjuring. Conjuring. Conjuring tricks, revealing the mysteries of the magic arts. Yeah. Well, it just tells you how they're done, doesn't tell you how to do them. There's a distinction, isn't there? I haven't actually read it.

I just found it because we were in a desperate rush to buy stuff because someone didn't prepare again for Cheap Show. Oh, yeah. The vein card, the informative card. No, it kind of tells you. It does kind of tell you. Yeah, but you'd need more information

to actually perform the tricks, is what I mean. Do you know what I mean? It's more of an information. Yeah, I know. It's a little bit of history and a little bit of

the basics of certain card maneuvers and things like that. Look at this guy. £2.50. If you saw him in your dream, he'd wake up screaming.

Yeah, look, his huge head. What was he called? I don't know. What was he called? Probably Magician Man. Oh, he's scary looking. Or Slender. He's like all weird.

He is like a Slender Man, but with a big head. He's like a Slender Man with a big head. Paul, if people want to see some of this stuff that we've been discussing on the show today... It'll be on our website. There's a dedicated page to most, if not all, of our episodes online,

and they accompany the episode with and videos and and that is www.cheapshow.com.co.uk four years paul don't get angry don't stop it i'm stopping it that's the end of the segment you know i want to guess the price of your Conjuring book. Oh, it was a pound. Fucking hell. Meow. Oh, no. Meow. Stop the thing. No. Now you've got all my characters out now. I'm going to put them back in their box. Put them back.

Alright. In you go, Bicky's the cat. He's good. Meow. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Dr. Footlights. It has been good today to helpicky's the cat. He's good. Bicky's the cat. Bye-bye. No. All right. Who else? Bye-bye, Dr. Footlights. It has been good today to help you with the show.

Thank you, Dr. Footlights. Oh, and who can forget our favourite new character, King Earworm. It's been super sweet being on the show today, so I'm just going to go back All right, King Earworm.

Yeah. I haven't stopped dancing since I met you. Yeah, yeah. It's really got me. Earworm. Since I met you on the first day. Get on the back of the box, yeah. And is that all the characters?

Oh, no. And you don't forget about me, Flash Jack. Flash Jack the magician. You weren't my best one. No, you weren't. Closing the lid. Oh, do you want to go in as well? Storytime, Grandpa?

You know what? Do you want to go in the character box? So I do. Let's put you in the character box so I do let's put you in the character box is there any genitals for me to eat there'll be plenty

of genitals in the box you can gnaw suck chew lap can I sort of

suspend myself I'm beginning to think Storytime Grandpa that it wasn't common practice to eat genitals during the war it was just something

you did it was yeah absolutely in the box in the box oh there's lots of gen was yeah absolutely yeah right good in the box okay in the box oh there's lots of genitals here let's put you in the box

end of segment oh poor you we're at the end of the show no no no don't like that oh well perhaps the

I want a much more subdued ending you know who didn't get into the box who the Pierce Criss does no no no it Don't like that. Oh, well, perhaps the... I want a much more subdued ending. You know who didn't get into the box? Who? The Piss Crystals. No, no, no. It's the end of the show. In, in, in.

I won't go. Mum tells me to get in the box. You ain't my mum. You ain't my mum. Get in the box. Oh. Get in that box. You ain't my mum.

You get in that box. I'll do a piss in here. Go on, then. I'll turn into crystals. Don't do that, because if you go in there... I'll stab me own eyes with me own pissed crystals. Get in that box. I'll do a piss in here. Go on then. I'll turn into crystals. Don't do that because if you go in there... I'll stab my own eyes with my own pissed crystals.

Get in the box. Who's this fucking old man in here? He's going to love your genitals. He's got his gums around me plums. Close the lid on that. All the characters are now in the box. Pissed crystals?

No. No? It's insulated with sound. We can't hear it. Right. That was Cheap Show, apparently, for another week. Let's just get all the Pistols? No. No? It's insulated with sound. We can't hear it. Right, that was Cheap Show, apparently, for another week. Let's just get all the ebbing out the way very quickly. Aha!

Support us on Patreon.com forward slash Cheap Show. Thank you so much. For as little as a dollar, you can get a free magazine and extra podcasts. And for as much as 30, you can get bespoke mini podcasts made just for you. Go to Patreon.com forward slash... Have we done one of those yet not yet put forward slash are we going to do it

next week oh yeah so we'll be starting recording those soon there'll be the sound of thwoppage on that as well beard beard oily beard thwoppage

patreon.com oily beard I just smear my oily we'll do an ASMR thing Paul where I smear my oily beard on a piece of tin foil yeah

one two three thwopp it four five that mate you know what me and my oily beard on a piece of tin foil. Yeah? One, two, three, four, five, six, You know what? I just realised

Piss Crystals should use, their big hit should be Thwoppage, basically. Their album should be called Thwoppage. Hot Thwoppage. Hot Thwopp.

Do you know what, Paul? I want to wrap this show up. My friend Ben came up with an imaginary band. They're called Cokie Bogey. Do you know what their difficult second album's called? What? Pee Doe Gazebo. I want to wrap this show up. My friend Ben came up with an imaginary band. They're called Koki Bogi. Do you know what their difficult second album's called? What?

Pido Gazebo. Pido Gazebo. And he directed Clankerman. Yeah. Very poor. www. Thecheapjohn.co.uk if you want to see pictures and videos

that accompany this episode. And we have a picture of the scary magician. We will. I'll put that in. The weird egghead. Eggman. Hecheapjohn.co.uk if you want to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode. And we have a picture of the scary magician. We will. I'll put that in. The weird egghead. Eggman. He's haunting my dreams

and I'm still awake. You're on most of social media. So we're on Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter. Very active on Twitter. Instagram. Just look for Cheap Show Pod

and you'll probably find us. I keep saying Patreon. Fucking hell. Well, that's the most important thing to you, isn't it? Our Twitter account is at thecheapshowpod.

I'm at paulgannon. The show here is... Eli Snoid, which will be spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And if you want to email us about anything, it's thecheapshow at gmail.com. I think that everything... And we've got a PO box coming. Coming in about September. So store up your pickles and hot sauces, people, and noodles.

Because, yeah, we're going to keep that shit going forever. And sorry if I said amplitude, wrong sound guy. Right, fucking hell. So, and also Twitch.

I'll say it anywhere I like. And Twitch. I'll have a whole tranche of ways of saying amplitude. If you want to see very irregular videos from me mostly or Eli occasionally

on Twitch, we will be doing Twitch streams at least once a month. I did one the other night, it went quite well, just chat and hang out. I'm up for it.

So let's hope we do it. Where can we do it? We can do it anywhere. We can do it from in the House of Eggs here where we are now. We can do it in the House of Eggs. Yeah, easily. Or up in Harrow where you live. Yeah, we can do it anywhere.

We've just got to come over one night. Searching high and Harrow. Yeah, searching high and low. Searching Harrow. Hello, Harrow. Hello. And is that it? Is that the episode done?

Yeah, we've done an episode. There's no outstanding deal? Nothing? No, no deal to be outstaffed. Oh, yeah, okay. So also we have merch now, but I say we have through some of our brilliant supporters

of the podcast. You can go to Tony and look at the art he's made for t-shirts and stuff. And also events selling physical copies of the usually Patreon-exclusive magazine. The Cheap Show magazine. The unofficial Cheap Show magazine, Paul. You can buy physical copies of those usually Patreon-exclusive magazine. The Cheap Show magazine? The unofficial Cheap Show magazine, Paul?

She buys physical copies of those which come with packets of noodles sometimes, if you get a book order. She throws in noodles and stuff as well. What brand? I don't know, but good stuff. She knows her shit, Yvan. So if you want to help support them, go to our website, and there's links on the top of the page that will take you to those.

It's easy, isn't it? Right, let's go. He's rubbing his nips. I'm rubbing my nips. I'm getting ready it right let's go he's rubbing his nips I'm rubbing my nips I'm getting ready to end the podcast I'm rubbing my nips he loves it

he loves it when he's not doing the podcast everyone and I think I think we can both agree that we both need to poo and you probably more urgently

why did you turn it to gas I just it was a false warning it's a false pregnancy it was it was gaseous rather than

well I'm looking forward to dropping my load so let's crack on with that I've been Paul Gannon I was Eli Silverman thanks for listening everybody and that was Cheap Show goodbye

weird Paul, you might want to... Honestly, you might want to open the window again. What? Also, I need to give it a big old wafty. Did you fart? No, I did fart. Oh, no! I'm sorry

you're not recording are you don't record oh no are you yeah oh don't look I didn't fart on the podcast how much

for me to edit that out 50 quid please edit it out you don't have 50 quid. You still owe me 35.