CheapShow - Ep 143: The Loathing of the Content Monkey

Episode Date: September 6, 2019

The economy podcast attempts this week to give you a classic Price of Shite (No Stings Attached Edition) as well as a deep dive into Eli's box of Trader Joe goods... Sadly, you get a whole feast of loud, sweary and maddening interruptions and diversions instead. Teen Yeti and Adolescent Sasquatch turn up the heat in their rivalry, Paul begins to wonder if Eli is losing his grip on reality and Eli declares himself an infallible Content Monkey. So Paul may have a point! Somehow, they manage to get the through the show without killing each other. Just, but only just! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-143-content-monkey If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

What's that? It's your bedroom. What do you mean it's my bedroom? I'm recording. I took a picture before the recording of the angle from this mic to where you'd be sitting. So that's what we're looking at. I just want you to clear this with me before we broadcast it. Yeah.

Shut up. You're not my PR. It's my show. All right. It's my show. And I'll do what I want. Okay, go on, introduce it then. Hang on.

Hello, I'm... Wait, wait, wait. I have a genuine problem I've got to bring up. Oh, yeah? And I've been holding back to bring it up now. So, you know, last week we did the recording about all the DJs who release songs. Yeah.

And there was one by Mike Reed called Tell Me I'm Wrong. That's, what, I have to, what? No. Do you remember how we ripped on it and said it was horrible and forgetful and embarrassing and it was a horrible song? I stand by that. Yeah. I can't get out of my head.

Well. Since that recording, every morning I wake up, tell me I'm wrong. Well, it's catchy. Something can be still catchy and awful, can't it? There's no crossover between catchy and good. It's getting to that point where the earworm hurts mentally. You ever had that where you literally can't shift a song and it begins to actually feel this uncomfortable? Have you ever had that thing where you wake up and your first moment of consciousness, the earworm comes in really loud?

Yeah, that's what it's been with this. That's weird it's been like a brain alarm clock yeah i hate it i had this tune shadow man yeah because i'm just i'm just i'm just saying right now i'm in shadow i'm your shadow man like that it's dark yeah and he used to i used to wake up and be like shadow i'm your shadow man shadow man it's great who's it by i don't know it's like this really obscure unknown rock track all right shadow man it was on a cherry stones compilation oh yeah well there you go it's a bit hendrix oh i like that, I just need to get rid of this fucking song. Mike, help me. I think Mike Reid...

He can't expel it. What, will he come round? Has he got the magic potion? He'll exercise the song, yeah? Yeah. Be gone! Racist song! He'll do it in a voodoo style, won't he?

He'll come in... Now you've got to get rid of the ear with that iPod. And when you hear this lovely tune vote you keep don't leave it too soon shake the magic coconut

Brexit coconut anyway welcome to the American podcast what no fuck you I am

I want to as protest Paul oh yeah protest what's the point of protesting eh I know what's the point of protesting?

Eh? I know. What's the point? Doesn't seem to do anything. Doesn't do anything. There's no change. We're doomed. It does seem that way.

Go on, do your intro. I'm not doing my intro. I just want to know, I want you to know, I want to be referred to as a fat, face-beardy, big-nosed, bulbous-eared twat. That's not a name. That's a description.

Wrong. That's a wrong description. It's your surname. My new nomica. beard, big nose, bulbous ear, twat. That's not a name. That's a description. Wrong. That's a wrong description. It's your surname. My new nomica. Monica. You what? Your nomica? Necronomicon.

Your rafflecon. Garoffalcon. Your new garoffalcon. My new name will be content monkey number one. So I have to call you content monkey number one yes who's number two i think we both know who number two is paul who is you it's not i'm number one you are you're not a content monkey i know you're the boss well then i can't be number two there is there's number two's ash or whatever oh yeah fuck him

hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to cheap show it Welcome to Cheap Show. It's a comedy, a comedy podcast. It's a comedy, an economy podcast. Fucked it. It's the economy comedy podcast. That takes a trawl through the bargain bins, the charity shops, the thrift stores of Great Britain and delivers quality content based on the treasure we find amongst the trash.

And have we got some treasure for you today? Let's find out. High five. Oh, weird. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. We got some treasure for you today! Let's find out! High five! Oh weird! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time

Tales from the dance floor How's the pick up? Price of shite This is called gun and take a loan I may not have washed my hands. Oh, no, you haven't. Oh, no. No, I did. I did. I did. Everyone, I'm clean. Just because I had to shit and vomit at the same time,

that doesn't make you an unclean person. It doesn't. It's an unfortunate person. That's all. Come on. The thing is, though, mate, if you don't want people to think about it, stop bringing it up.

Well, to be fair, I brought it up and said, let's not do that on the bringing it up well to be fair yeah I brought it up and said let's not do that on the podcast last week and then you pretended it was a friend of mine asking for a friend I thought it was amusing yeah I did I thought it was amusing I'm just a content monkey

to all the content monkeys cage see if he's done any poos any droppings content poos oh let's look through the content monkeys basket there's a half eaten content monkey's basket. There's a half-eaten orange. There's some orange rinds. Oh, there's some eggshell in there. I don't know why that's there. Oh, there's

looks like a child's sweet wrapper in there. Oh, there looks like there's some poo. Oh, look, there's a weird rubber stamp with, get me out of this place underneath it that you print on paper at work. How did he pass that? Why would the content monkey have a stamp? He's passed it.

He's passed a stamp through his intestine. One of those big rubber stamps. Why do I have to eat rubber now? I'm the content monkey. They declare it like Spartacus. Right. It's why we're doing the show then. Have you done the first thing?

Yeah, we're already into the show now. I've been noticing, Paul, you know, when the content monkey gets his day off, he looks at the fucking internet and it seems there's going to be some changes afoot with the old theme tune of Cheap Show. Yeah. Didn't tell me about that.

I don't have to, mate. Didn't ask me about that. I don't have to tell you anything. I work professionally in the music industry. Oh, mate. Yeah, you're just like a Mr. Cooling saying blah, blah, blah, Brexit, this cunt. But I fucking know things.

Because you purposely play obtuse tracks on your Soho radio show to come across as trendy in a desperate attempt to compete with the hipster crowd who usually tune in to Soho radio where Daddy Fat Beard comes on and plays his fucking tawdry seven inches.

Tawdry? Fuck you. No, honestly. Here's a little joke. I don't know if you know about it. It's from the label Ahapatap. And they like to... Listen, just because I've got an interest.

I have a fucking interest in music. Unlike you. Who are? Who are? A self-avowed take that fan number one fan I'm a fan of all music

the argument's over I'm a fan of all music no you're not no you're not I'm a fan of all music maybe but you're especially yeah you're one of these people like I like music

I like songs yeah exactly so I can like take that you'd be buying James Last and Mrs Mills records if you were alive if I enjoyed it yes you would

so what's wrong with that it's awful it's not it's awful. It's not. It's fundamentally not bad to say, I like a little bit of rock, a little bit of rave, a little bit of pop, and a little bit of rock and roll. I like rap. Ooh, I got all sorts of things going on. You don't have to do it yourself. I like it all. Orchestral, musical,

move me, inspire me. Move me? Yeah, move me, inspire me, and I like it. It could be a happy, hardcore house track from the 90s, or it could be some garage rock. Just keep going. You're going to make up a genre that doesn't exist. Maybe a bit of glam.

Right. Maybe I'll do a little bit more. New romantic. What else? Come on, I don't know. I don't know. You tell me. Punk, yeah, that's a real one.

What about electro? That's a real one. That's a good one as well, isn't it? Yeah, I like electro. I'm not a soft-legged dude. I think that might? That's a real one. That's a good one as well, isn't it? You know, I love some Flirky Hoon. I think that might be the one that you use. It's Dutch. Yeah.

Dutch Flirky Hoon music. What does it go like? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Oh, we started on this fucking podcast now, has he? The fucking loathing. The loathing of the content monkey comes in now, doesn't it?

The loathing of the content monkey. That's so romantic. Right. You've got to tell some of the dance floor, don't you? I certainly do, Paul.

Do you want to hear it? Tell his story quickly. Now, let's calm down. Let's just calm... No. Let's... Stop doing the I'm coming face.

Let's just dial it down. Let's just dial it down. it down If you want to see what my cum face is Just look at this now That's very subtle Do you want to see mine? I did the noise as well Because it is an audio podcast I like to go for I like to go for realism

And I make no sounds during sex It's all business. Right. You're not getting nothing from me. Okay, good. All you're getting is eight and a half inches of pure... Oh, fuck. Has he actually said how long it actually is now?

I could be lying. Let's not get into the whole... It could be a lot smaller. It could be a lot bigger. In the light of the, you know... What? The present environment.... In the light of the present environment. What, the House of Pickles? No, like more widely.

Oh, the cultural environment. The Pickledome. Picklesville. Nothing to do with the House of Pickles. Cast your net wider. Cast a net wider? Let's not get our dicks into this. Let's not do our dicks this week. Can we put our dicks away, metaphorically, and not do the dicks?

Who's this Annette Wider you keep talking about? Annette Wider. Why do I have to cast her away? Well, she might turn up now. You fucking said it. Annette, if you're listening, I'm sorry. I won't cast you away, though. I just won't.

Okay, so Tales from the Dance Floor, yeah? Oh, yeah, we're doing that. Go on. Paul, it's time for another Tales from the Dance Floor Tales from the dance floor floor

floor floor I'm DJing the other night yeah I haven't done it in a while to be fair don't I'll do it

yeah I'm playing a bit of a disco set yeah I'm liking it that's not disco Pete come on you can do better than that that's good

disco drums but no it does go boom digga boom digga that's silly that's not a disco rhythm yes it is no it's not a disco beat Come on you can do better than that That's good Disco drums But no it does go Boom digga boom digga That's a silly That's not a disco rhythm Yes it is No it's not That's like a country

Hoedown rhythm You make me feel Mighty real You make me feel No let's have the beat No that's not the beat It is Come on try better

Think of a disco beat You make me feel No don't stop singing You make me feel Mighty real by Sylvester That's a disco track though Yes but I want a sort of Generic disco now Stop fucking point Just do something That's a disco track, though, isn't it? Yes, but I want a sort of generic disco now.

That's the fucking point. Just do something that sounds like disco, but isn't an actual song. Like, boom, boom, doo, doo, doo. That's good. The boom, boo I like, because that's what they're called. Do you know the disco tune when they have the boo, boo, boo? Yeah. Do you know what that's known as?

Disco drums. Is it? Yeah. Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, and they're sort of synthesised. Boo, boo, boo. Grooveline by Heatwave was the tune I was trying to remember last week.

Yeah. And I heard the real Let's All Chant. And it is almost exactly the same as the Pat and Nick version, but with different production because of the 88. Yeah. A proper singer, sort of, yeah.

And it's weird, even though they're exactly the same, it does work better when you hear it in context of the 70s. What do you mean? Like the original version? The original track. It was some band

called the Roger Ziegler Band or something. Yeah. It's just him on this little keyboard movie thing. Do, do. Anyway, those are. So I'm playing some disco,

which could have featured some disco drums noise. Boom. That's good. Mastered it. Right. This guy comes over. Yeah. And he says to me, he's got a beard, beardy it. Right. This guy comes over. Yeah.

And he says to me, he's got a beard. Beardy guy. Yeah. He goes, can you play some Ray Bradbury? Ray Bradbury? He goes, Ray Bradbury. Charles Bradley. You know, some blues.

Okay. Okay. So a couple of things. Yeah. The first thing he asked for was Ray Bradbury, the famous sci-fi fantasy writer. Yeah. Who wrote, amongst other works, Fahrenheit 451, The Illustrated Man.

Yeah. Can you think of anyone? Something Wicked This Way Comes, my personal favourite Ray Bradbury book. But that's all I know about Ray Bradbury, to be honest. He's not very good. You try and read Fahrenheit 451 now,

it's like, oh, the dialogue's awful. Is it? Awful. Yeah. It's like no one speaks like that. It's all so fruity1 now, it's like, whoa, the dialogue's awful. Is it? Awful. Yeah, it's like no one speaks like that. It's all so fruity. Well, that's fine, though, isn't it? In the novel form, it'd have to be real. All right.

It's difficult to get through. Eli's book review. But his fruity, lyrical, over sort of, I don't know, he uses, it's very flowery, his language. It's like Anthony Burgess-y kind of attempt. It's worse than that. Oh. It's very flowery. It language. It's like Anthony Burgess-y kind of attempt. It's worse than that. Oh.

It's very flowery. It works for Something Wicked This Way Comes, because the whole setting is kind of this gothic, American gothic setting, and it's brilliant. It is. But Fahrenheit 451 is meant to be a more sort of straight sci-fi novel, and it doesn't fit. That style, his sort of fruity style, doesn't fit.

Anyway. So anyway, that's the first thing he mentions. He says, Ray Bradbury, Charles Bradley. Charles Bradley. No, some blues. Who's Charles Bradley? He is a neo-soul singer who's sadly passed

a few years back now. A couple of years back. Neo-soul? As in, was doing a sort of old soul sound. Oh, so he doesn't like he knows Kung Fu.

He was discovered later in life. He used to be like a James Brown impersonator or something. He was like a kung fu he was discovered later in life he used to be like a James Brown impersonator or something he was like a toilet attendant and was discovered

by someone and he was an older guy because what he was scrubbing under the toilet and he recorded get up he recorded tunes it's quite tragic

he recorded tunes for this label Daptone who Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings were on that label so they're like a big New York retro soul and funk

sort of label that's what they do. They try and get all the older recording equipment and just get it together. And record it like that. Yeah. So they're quite famous in that world. Yeah. And he put out a fucking fantastic album, his last album, which was like critically,

was getting wide praise because it's brilliant. He's got that tune, The Whole World's Going Up in Flames. Brilliant song. Okay. Anyway, he died. Okay. So he's not blues. He's neo-soul. So song. Okay. Anyway, he died. Okay. So he's not blues. He's Neo Soul.

So the guy doesn't know what he's talking about. And he named a fucking science fiction writer first. Do you think he was trying to name drop a name to try and sound cool? Obviously. That's what they do. You know, they say, I'll play Amy Winehouse or some Motown like that. No, she's not Motown. You are a moron.

Just learn your, yeah, learn. Learn before you step to me, yeah? Who's Omi Winehouse? Amy. I said Amy. You said Omi. You owe me, Winehouse. What does that mean?

Well, I've lent you Winehouse, now you owe me it. So what does that mean? I mean, I gave it to you, now you owe me it. What? Shut up and tell your boring story. Right.

I will. So he comes up to you, names two names erroneously, and then just goes at blues right he just wanted me to change the whole vibe up

basically because I'm playing disco and I just went nah nah people are enjoying the disco right I didn't even bother with that I just went

fuck off I didn't say fuck off no he didn't but nah mate you know what I mean nah nah yeah

fuck off four years and I've heard the same story every time no but this one's got a witty twist oh here we go strapping

so I'm brewing on it and thinking what a fucking knobdy what a knobdy knobdy Johnson what a knobdy Johnson oh

you knobdy Johnson and I've got this response brewing and I think I'm gonna I'm gonna mock him yeah to his face so why why't know it's these little

things all right you know and then I go for a cigarette come back in and I've been building up to this you know I mean and I got to me I go actually mate I do have a audio book version of the illustrated mad and he goes oh yeah oh yeah and then I went that's audiobook version of The Illustrated Man. And he goes, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And then I went, that's the end of this story. Then I went back to DJing. That's the end. I'm going to go. Because he said Ray Badbury, don't walk.

I'm going to go. Paul, look at this fake walkout. He can't even be bothered to get up. I'm so fucking tired. Your fake walkouts have really degenerated over the years. He used to get up. He used to put so much effort in. I'll put in effort.

All right, come on. Oh, now he's still here. Good. He's gone. I'm leaving. He can't even open the door. No, I was doing it for effect. I've quit the show.

All right, mate. Well, this is content monkey number one. We're going to have a little break now and uh i might have one of these chewing can you come back paul i'm floundering i'm floundering here please come back that's the end of tales from the dance floor paul end of Tales from the Dance Floor. Paul? Paul? Right.

Paul, please come back. Stop loitering in the House of Pickles entranceway. I can hear you breathing. Come in I can hear you chortling you monkey. Come on. I'm strolling back in. You need me. You need me. Come on. Don't touch. No touching. Weird. Getting real weird.

Move. I broke your spoon. You broke a fucking spoon. Well if we've all learnt a lesson there it's like this show don't happen without me. Move. I broke your spoon. You broke a fucking spoon. Well, if we've all learnt a lesson there, it's like this show don't happen without me. Now. No, no, no, no. End of the segment.

You ended your poor segment with your very poor, very poor denouement to that story. I thought that was good. No. No, at least it was different. Wasn't it different? That story dropped. Was it different?

No, Paul. Not different enough. Name another Tales from the Dance Floor thing, story I've told, where there was some kind of thing like that. Where I've done a little pun on what his misnomer was. Well, maybe my favourite bit was when that woman called you a tiny man. Yeah. That's my favourite one.

That and the time when that guy came behind the booth with you. Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. So, yeah, they were... Your story, that story, though. Oh, it dropped off a cliff, that one. I've never seen a story

just fizzle out like a fuse on a stick of dynamite that just goes, pfft. Oh, you like it too because then you're not killed

by the dynamite. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I'm apologising on behalf of Cheap Show. Oh God, I'm sweaty now. Cheap Show,

PLC. Oh, I need to, I need to. Why don't you have a little wank? You have to bring it up Yeah I do I don't wank anymore

I'm so sorry That you don't wank anymore Wank anymore Why are you sorry Because every man deserves A little bit of a jolly holiday. No, keep going. Every man deserves. Deserves what? What about if you can't wank? What do you mean if you can't?

Well. Give me some parameters that will prevent you from that. And I'll try and react accordingly. If both my arms are chopped off. Right, well I'll come round. That's not wanking, that's sex. Is it? If I come round and wank you off, that's sex? Yeah. That's not masturbation anymore, is it? It's turned into sex. It's not solo.

What if you just pretend I'm not there? I would pretend you weren't there, mate. If it ever happened, which it won't. Now... Hang on, no, is it? I guess it would be. Alright, you haven't got any arms. Okay, so... I could get in a swimming pool with a wave machine like I used to do. Have I even told you about that?

Yeah, no. Oh, mate, that was the best orgasm I've ever had. Did you come in a swimming pool? This was when I was very young. And the wave machine would come on, and I'd just sort of hang on to the side of the pool, floaty up and downy with the waves, and it'd build.

Nice, nice. Licky, licky. Fanny, fanny, ladies and gentlemen. the waves and it builds and oh nice nice licky licky fanny fanny ladies and gentlemen other people I bet other people can relate to that when the wave machine

came on and you got all fucking weird oceanic spunk off to be fair though when I think of that I think of guts

from the book Haunted by Chuck Palin when his guts got yeah but he was trying to get bum he was trying to put his bum on the air and then it ends up pulling When his guts got... Yeah, but he was trying to get bum. He was trying to put his bum on the air thing. On the air thing.

And then it ends up pulling at his guts. This is much more innocent. And then it pulls his intestines out through his arse. And he has to bite through it. Yeah. It's really intense. What's annoying about that book, though, is at the beginning it goes,

when you're reading this, try and hold your breath for the same amount of time, and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, no, it's impossible to just slowly read this thing that happens in real time. Does he say, hold your breath? Yeah. It's a gimmick.

It's a gimmick. Partly when he used to do book readings, he would read that chapter out. And people would faint. And faint and be sick. It's pretty visceral. Yeah, it is pretty visceral. But I love that book. I think it's a great book.

What's happened to him? I think he's still doing books and stuff. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. He did a graphic novel version of Fight Club 2, which was apparently well-received. Oh, he did the adaptation for the graphic novel for it.

No, he wrote the sequel to be a graphic novel. Oh, it's a sequel. Yeah. Right. So there you go. Yeah. Chuck News. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck News.

Do you have any source report? Oh, yeah. I see. Look at me. Well, there's a lot of source in this Oh, yeah. I see. Look at me. Well, there's a lot of source in this box, which we're just about to announce. I've got something to interrupt this section with. What? This is fun.

He's leaning into his bag. Have you got a source report of your own? No. I've got a bit of froth. Oh, I've got a bit of froth as well, mate. I've got a bit of froth. All right, let's a bit of froth as well, mate. I've got a bit of froth. All right, let's do the froth first. Here we go.

Look at that. Shark bite. Yeah. It's got a shark that bites. Ooh. Ooh. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.

Good. And the shark has a patch. He's a pirate shark. He is, yeah. He's a pirate shark. That's a good touch, isn't it? Isn't it? Now, the moulding, what do we think of the moulding on that?

It's not great, but it works. What do they call this kind of contraption, an extender? Extender arm contraption. But that's a classic extender arm contraption, isn't it? Didn't you look at a Nintendo product that had that? Ultra handle, ultra arm or something. What, did it work?

Yeah, it worked. It was good then. Yeah, very good. It's a good grabber. Yeah, it was very sturdy. You could extend it quite far and grab stuff. It went about three metres or something. I don't know about three metres, but it was far enough.

Now, this is that same kind of contraption. Shark bite with a lollipop. Now, this is a whole genre that is huge these days. There's so many toy, sweet combo, little cheap things going on, aren't there? This is cherry flavour. Yeah. But they are totally ripping off Jaws. Of course.

With the artwork on this. There is that famous shot of underneath the shark, him coming up vertically to break the water. Yeah. But no little boat. I think the actual original has a boat, doesn't it? No, it's a swimmer. A little lady doing this.

A woman swimming from the front. Great film. It's a great film. Isn't it? Yeah. Everyone agrees Jaws is good. Jaws 2? It's fine. Not so much. It's not fine. It's a bit of isn't it everyone agrees Jaws is good Jaws 2 it's fine not so much

it's not fine it's a bit of fun it's terrible no it's not Jaws but it's a bit of fun it's terrible it's a bit of fun what do you mean

it's better than 3 and 4 well yes you know I'd rather watch 2 than 4 this little Jaws snapper thing it's got a little belly there's a bit of detail on it

how do I get to the licky bit you won't be because that's my treat. For me, I want to lick it. Right, so it's not a froth. It's just you get some sweet and enjoy it yourself. Yeah? Yeah.

No? Yeah. All right, you eat it then. I'm going to eat it. So it's just a stupid, horrible lollipop that's made of cherry, and you lick it out the back of the box. The lolly is not the thing, is it? No.

I mean, it's just an afterthought, isn't it? It's not good enough to be a toy, and it lick it out the back of the box. The lolly is not the thing is it? No. I mean it's just an afterthought isn't it? It's not good enough to be a toy and it's not good enough to be a sweet it's just a bit of shit version of both.

It's a shit version of But you get to do this don't you? It's like Clappy Monkey. It's like Wanky Monkey. Hand me Clappy

Monkey. Oh Clappy Monkey. Hey hello. Shit it's broken. Oh you've broken Clappy Monkey. There it goes. Oh yeah it's broken. Oh, you've broken Clappy Monkey. There he goes.

Oh, he has broken now. Oh, no. Hello. Hello. Come on, put it down. Hello. My name is Sharky... No, he's not.

He's not. Sharky Joe. And it's my job. They're not... He can't be a character because he's a shark toy. If you squeeze it a little bit it looks like

a bit more life so I can go hello my name is Sharky Joe why is he Sharky Joe what does he do oh I like to swim

through the water down here and I like to go I like to go past all the little fish and go hello little fella hello little fella

hello little fella don't you eat the fish Sharky Joe no I don't want to do that because you need nourishment oh that stump Because you need nourishment. Oh.

That stumped you, hasn't it? It has stumped me. Yeah, so why don't you just swim off. I'll tell you what I'll do. I've got a bit of hunger on me now. How about I bite your big red nose? I'll bite my knob off, yeah. No, your nose.

I was going to say your nose. Oh, you were, were you? Yeah. How about I bite your nose off? No. How about I bite your nose off? It's his catchphrase. How about I bite your nose off? No. How about I bite your nose off? It's his catchphrase. How about I bite your nose off?

Off you fucking swim. Arr, arr, arr, arr. Oh, good. Oh, good, Paul. Abuse! Put your fucking stupid upstaging toy away. Mate, this is my... Taste it.

This is my... Two out of five, right? Don't even bother. Isn't it? It's two out of five, isn't it? Come on. Try it then. Oh, this is tedious. Can't get the wrapper off. Give me it. Shut up. It It's two out of five, isn't it? Come on. Try it then. Oh, this is tedious.

Can't get the wrapper off. Give me it. Shut up. It's got a bit of tape on it. It's got like a tag there. Fuck's sake. That is terrible. It's all melted on.

It's horrible. How are you fucking... You can't do it. Let's abandon this. Abandon section. Go on. Right, so you're just going to keep trying that, are you? Well, let's start with my froth

then. Alright then. Now this was not on the box, but look at this. What? Oh, what's that? I'm presenting it draped over my arm. Sour Oh, what's that look? Sour belt by a company called Vidal.

Describe it to the viewers. It's a long belt of candy like a kind of out-rolled fruit roll-up. Yes. But it's speckled with obviously the sour elements and it's a nice green colour with a red stripe right up the middle. And why is it? What flavour would that suggest to you?

Watermelon. You've read that? No, I didn't. My suggestion would be green and red suggests to me watermelon. Doesn't it say watermelon somewhere? I didn't read. Put it one way. If it does, I didn't read it. Oh, right.

All right. Give me some fucking credit. Where does it say watermelon? It says it somewhere. Do you know for a fact it's watermelon, though? Because I must have bought it and it said watermelon. So we're going to taste this now. Look, I've unwrapped it finally. All right.

You're two out of five. Yeah, I've unwrapped it finally. Alright. You're two out of five. Yeah, it's terrible. Does it taste like cherry? Oh no. Ah. It's not good.

Does it taste like cherry? Yeah, it does. At least it tastes like cherry. So it's that artificially cherry flavour.

Is the texture that shit? It feels like, instead of a lollipop, it feels more like you're eating a kind of glassy old can of opal fruit.

Yeah, I've said opal fruit, not Starburst. Said it. Right, I've got this sour belt out. You have a bite of that end and I'll bite the other end. Should have just bitten it. You should have bitten it, mate.

Bite it. What's your impression of that? I knew it was nasty. I knew it was nasty I knew it was nasty because I had one oh mate it's very tough isn't it very tough

too tough yeah oh oh what a horrible thing you don't like that I like the flavour no I don't it's just very tough

it tastes too artificial to taste like watermelon. It doesn't taste watermelon enough. It's got the tang of the soury bit. I like that. If that was softer, I would like it. Yeah, maybe if it was softer, maybe a bit more rubbery. But that felt like eating fucking... It's really tough.

It's leathery. Yeah, leathery. I think it's a belt. It says it's a belt, sour belt. So perhaps it's meant to be tough like leather. Maybe. I've never seen that brand, Vidal. Well, they make hair products for you, don't they?

It's not them, is it? It is. Right. Oh, fucking hell, I'm broken in hell. Put that away, your sharp candy away, yeah? Put it in the spitty bowl. It's all right. Now.

I'm on it. All right, Paul? Yeah. Are you listening? Stop eating. This actually tastes better than that. Stop being so petulant. Just stop eating.

I'll do whatever I want. It's my show. Last week, Paul, I got a very special delivery. It was this box of goodies from my sister Jenny and my sister-in-law Emma. Yeah. Avid listeners to the show. And they've sent me this. And it's a box of supplies.

And we've got stuff to taste in here. This is why it doesn't really fit into any of our food segment formats. No, it doesn't. It's a bit of cheap eats. It's a little bit of hot sauce experience. It's a little bit of everything. It's a bit of sauce report. It's a bit of off-brand brand off a little bit of this. It's a bit of hot sauce experience. A little bit of everything. Striked sauce report. It's a bit of off-brand brand off, dare I say it.

Well, I'm excited. I've decided what we might need to do for the next off-brand brand off. We do need to do one soon. Salt and vinegar crisps. Okay. Get the co-op ones. I'm going to be like, wow. And we're talking regular crisps.

I've got an inside person who's tasting crisps from me out there in the streets, mate. And she has let me know that. What a weird thing to point out. No. That you've got someone on the street who eats crisps for you. Yeah. That's weird. Mate, that's because of the dedication, the underground work that goes into this, you know, show.

Content monkey need, find content, need content contacts. Content monkey need contact contacts that eat crisps. So like you've got your own Baker Street Irregulars? Yeah. Just like urchins who run around and do things for you? That's right, yeah. I wouldn't say urchins. I'm going to call the police.

Right, so, I've got this box. De-ba-doot, de-ba-doot. Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr. Hello? Hello, this is Paul Gannon. I'd like to call the police, please. Now then, now then, now then. What's that all that?

All that about? What? My friend. You got through to the police, my son, my son. Hello, officer. Do you know where I live? I'm talking to you from? 999 Let's Be Avenue.

Let's Be Avenue. And you like Irish stew. Oh, you know what I've got a hankering for, my son, my son? Irish stew. I've got Irish stew. Irish stew. Irish stew. Should I go over there and Irish someone?

Well, this is what I'm talking about. Irish someone. Irish stew. This is what I'm talking about. I arrest someone. I arrest you. This is what I'm talking about. Oh, yes, what? Have you got a crime to report? My co-host and friend, Eli Silverman, is using... I'm just taking this down.

Children. No, go slower. I'm taking it down. Eli Silverman. Eyeline Silverline. Eli Silverman. Eyeline Silverline. Eli Silverman. Eyeline Silverline. Is abusing.

Is abusing. Children on the streets. Children. Excuse me. Sorry. Can you say that again? He's abusing children on the streets. Right.

I've got to go off down Lesby Avenue. I rest you. Goodbye. Now. They've sent me a box. Oh, that was awful, by Now, they've sent me a box. Oh, that was awful, by the way. They sent me a box. Yeah.

And it is from... Yeah. Mainly from one particular shop. Known as Trader Joe's. Oh, I know Trader Joe's. Have you heard of Trader Joe's? Yeah. Do you know who the owning company of Trader Joe's is?

Joe. Aldi. Really? Yeah. So, they're... A Aldi. Really? Yeah. So, they're a big, big company. Yeah. They're a subsidiary

of Aldi. Didn't know that. Yeah, but they're only in America. But they're an acquisition rather than a... I'm not sure

what the background is, you know, Paul. I don't know. But, these are all basically Aldi. And, there is someone here, just coming down,

I can see, the steps of Mount Grandpants. Grandpants? Grandpapants. Grandpapants. Yeah, he's coming there and he's just, because this is Trader Joe's, a big deal, you know, this box coming from America, he's going to come and set this.

I hate how you set these up. He's going to set these. So protracted. He's going to set this ship a-sailing, Paul, on the cheap show ocean. And here he is.

Oh, hello, mate. Yeah, come down. So great to see you. Hello. It's me. Hello, Paul. Hello,

teen yeti. Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Do you need me for this section, Eli? Before we start, Paul, I just want to, you know,

are we cool? No, seriously, because you gave me some shit last time. I've got people, I've got, look, I've got people come down, they'll shut you down.

What do you mean, shut me down? They'll shut your shit right down. Do I need to say more? Do I need to say more? Paul, are we cool? I didn't need this.

Eli asked me to come down. Yeah? I've gotten busy, yeah? I'm in the this. Eli asked me to come down. Yeah. I've gotten busy, yeah. I'm in the studio making the beats. Yeah? Yeah. I've got wanging nuts that are more important to C2 than this. How is your difficult second album coming along?

Oh, well. If you behave yourself. Yeah. I'll be doing a little bit of it right now to launch this. Oh, no. In that case, don't worry about it. Don't forget I asked. It's fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Team Yeti. No, no, no. Hello, don't worry about it. Don't forget I asked. It's fine. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Team Yeti. No, no, no. Hello, Eli. Yes, Team. It's so great to see you. Thank you so much for doing this. Do you need me to be here, Eli, for this segment? No, I need you to be quiet, please, Paul. Again, do you need me to be here?

No, I need you to be quiet. Because I can go for a bit. Team, no, I don't need you to go. Because it looks like you've got this covered. Team Yeti's just going to do a bit, and then we're going to taste some stuff, okay? Just be patient. Thank you so much this covered. Teen yet. So it's going to do a bit, and then we're going to taste some stuff. Just be patient. Thank you so much, teen.

That's all right. Okay. Fucking, if he's going to be distracting me with his little shark. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Right.

Shark theft. Eli, could you, honestly, I don't want to deal with this cat anymore. Okay? I've got a career to think about Yeah Right I'm just going to just relax here for a bit No you just relax Paul

Teen Yet's up there Here he comes Oh Oh yeah I get ready It's me Teen Yeti And when I chip my furs get shetty

Oh who's that sniffing around my bins it's me Teen Yeti and when I chip my fur gets shitty oh who's that sniffing around my bins oh it's that fucking adolescent snowman but he ain't no man he's a a knicker of my stuff

I'm Teen Yeti and I've had enough I've got wanging nuts hanging out that's enough that's enough that's enough Eli no Eli

Eli Eli not Eli that's enough alright oh my wanging nuts that's enough, Eli. Eli! Eli! Eli! That's enough. All right. Oh, man. No, that's enough. Eli Silverman.

That's enough. Please stop. Wanganach! Please just go through your box. Oh, that's it. No, Eli. I've lost him. I think we've lost Eli.

There's only Teen Yeti now, everybody. Eli, can I get Paige up? Yes, mate. Thank you very much for that. If you could just say now, here is the box. Thank you. Thanks Jenny for the box. Alright, okay. This is... Thank you very much

for the box. I'm Teen Yeti. I'm going. I'm going, Eli. Thank you, Teen Yeti. Alright. I'm back off the map. I've got pets. I've got fucking things to do. You don't know, mate. I'm going. I'm going, Eli. Thank you, T.J. All right. I'm back off the map. I've got pens. I've got fucking things to do. You don't know, mate. I'm going. All right.

Bye-bye. T.J. I don't think Eli knows I'm here anymore. I think he's just doing... I think I've lost him. I mean, that whole segment, he didn't look me in the eye once. He was literally speaking to where he imagined Teen Yeti was going to be. He's gone now, Paul.

Okay, we can do the box. Yeah, I'm a bit frightened, actually, at this point now. Frightened about what? That whole stuff. Whatever that was that just happened for those five minutes. It was Teen Yeti. He made an appearance, yeah, because it's a special section of the show. And he's about the most, you know, successful person involved with this show.

That's not true. Jimmy Biscuits has got a fine career. Biscuits isn't in show business though. He's a talent agent and a detective and whatever I decide he's going to be that week. He's a cat owner. And a cat owner with Bickies. Don't try and bring up your character

just because I've triumphed. Hey, yeah, yeah. You know what? I know when to bring Jimmy Biscuits in and out, mate. Where's Adolescent Snowman? Well, you know, I respect your... He Jimmy Biscuit in and out now where's Adolescent Snowman well you know he's just been dissed I respected I expect him to come out with some tracks

he's never even come out with a track he's never even responded he just hangs round my grunt pants back round the bins as Teen Yeti said in that very well

constructed rhyme of his just now so I'm Adolescent and I'm the like to go and I go snowman a sniffy sniff muff ba bum bum.

Good, no good. Now. Misa I'm the yeti and I like to do this. Now. I like it when you have to give me kiss and I like it because I'm teen yeti adolescent snowman. No you're not teen yeti for fuck's sake. And I like to ride my yeti snowman and I'm riding and I'm riding and I'm riding down the street.

This is good. I like to do it and I like it on ladies' feet and when they're going by. It's done vaguely the tune of Informer by Snow. Yeah, thank you. I'm Yet, I'm Snowman and then I'm Adolescent Too. I sniffy bum bum poo poo.

All right, there. He sniffs Teen Yet he's win it. That's what he does. Anyway, the point is his songs are just as valid. Okay. There you go. That wasn't much of a response, but it's a step. What a waste of ten minutes of this show.

Well, I'm trying to get in the box. Yeah. That's what she said. That's what he said after she said no. Oh, right. Suggest something very dark. No, I'm just suggesting that you... Paul, I'm getting something out of the box for you to try.

It's Trader Joe's. Yeah. Oh, yeah, this. Yeah. But I tell you what, I've had some sauce experiences with Trader Joe's. There isn't... The sauce isn't in here.

She didn't put it in. But they have this green dragon sauce. It's like a hot sauce, but with a bit of garlicky, sort of oriental Asian. That is... The business. It's fucking great. Honestly, one of the best mass-produced sauces I've ever eaten in my life.

Great. Let's start, though, with some crisps. Right, what have we got here? Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Okra. Oh, it's okras. Ladyfingers. Sorry. It's just when I had to say ladyfingers.

Why? Because these look like ladyfingers, do you think? That's what they're known. It's known as ladyfingers. Oh, really? I thought you were just being mental again. The process used to create this very crispy and crunchy okra maintains all of the flavour and provides an irresistible snack

that makes you want to keep on munching. The okra is great for dipping in the place of crackers and also makes great croutons for a salad when broken up and sprinkled on top. I might do that. On a noodle. On a noodle? Does it say noodle?

No, I'm saying you could put noodle on. Yeah, you could. It says, you know, a salad and a crouton. Why not sprinkle it on a noodle? Let's open it and I'm going to get right in there with the Huff Report. Give me the report, please. And it's got a resealable thing. Which is handy.

He's shaking it up to get the dust on. What's the smell like? Does not smell appetising. Why? In what way? Please. In like that kind of way when your nan makes a horrible roast dinner. Oh, it's not that good. It's very vegetative. Yeah. Vegetable. It's like when your nan steams everything. Oh, it's not that good. It's very vegetative.

Yeah. Vegetable. It's like when Yunnan steams everything. Oh, that's a very vegetable smell. Yeah. Okay. No, but they literally are just okras. I thought they'd be more like crisps.

No. These are literally a whole lady's finger. I'm holding a whole lady's finger in my hand. Well, I'm going to put the whole lady's finger in my mouth. They taste like, you know, like... You know when you get like veg chips? They're just like that, yeah. Yeah, you know, like, you know when you get like veg chips? They're just like that,

yeah. Yeah, they taste just like that. They taste better than they smell, don't they? Yeah. The smell is off-putting,

but they taste nice. Very vegetable-y, very, almost grassy, the flavour, isn't it? You know what I mean? Obviously the sealable bite.

A bit earthy, grassy. Yeah. And, very light seasoning. I might want them to be a bit more salty. Yeah. I don't know.

They're not awful, but I couldn't eat too many of those. You wouldn't go for too many of those, no? No. Yeah. I could imagine that being nice in a salad, though. Do you know what I mean? That's a crispy sort of thing on top of a bit of lettuce. That'd be all right.

All right. So there you go. I'm going to give that two and a half. Two and a half Trader Joe's? Yeah. Right. This is another thing. Great. The crispy crunchy mochi rice nuggets. Now, do you know

about mochi? Isn't that the rice that's rolled into a ball or something? It's very sticky rice. Yeah, sticky, sticky. It turns into a very, almost a paste. Yeah. They have in Japan. I quite like it. It's very sticky rice. Yeah, sticky, sticky. It turns into almost a paste. Yeah. They have in Japan. I quite like it. I've had mochi. Yeah.

Now, these are mochi rice nuggets. Great. And I'll be giving you the half report as soon as I can pry these open. Will you be giving me one of your half nuggets? No, let me give it a shake, see if there's any seasoning. It was very under-seasoned.

Yeah, and I did give it a shake, just for the record. Let's see what these are meant to taste like, though. Informer. It's made from the same glutinous rice as the soft and chewy sweet Japanese favourite, Moki. The other end of the spectrum, these are light, crunchy, crispy, and savoury.

So they were salty in some way. Again, the half is extreme under well-mo. Is it? Yeah. Oh yeah, take a few. So on the front cover, there's like a rock band playing. And there's like kind of... They're all little mochi musicians. Yeah, playing the drums and having a sing song.

But let's have a... Oh, God, it smells of nothing. But I'm going to have a mochi ball. I like those. Even though there's not much flavour, they are... Savory. Savory. Yeah. It's the flavour of the rice. Yeah. I like those even though there's not much flavour they are savoury savoury yeah

it's the flavour of the rice yeah but again like those they could do with a bit more flavouring they seem slightly

under seasoned to my palate yes a bit of pepper would be nice maybe I think they're nice though you know what they are they're exactly the same

as one of those elements of the Japanese rice crackers crackers yeah you know those mixed Japanese rice crackers the smell of those always of the Japanese rice crackers? Crackles. Yeah. You know those mixed Japanese rice crackers you get?

The smell of those always make me feel sick. Really? You don't like those? It's weird. But that is exactly like one element of those. I'm sure they've got those.

Nice. But again, really dense. You couldn't part off a bag of those. It's not like... I don't know. I'd eat those.

I'd eat those. I'd eat the okra as well. Your turds the next day would be like fucking house bricks. No, I like them. No, they're nice, but you know... You're just such a traditionalist. You need a dip or a sauce for those. You're a the okra as well. Your turds the next day would be like fucking house bricks. No, I like them. No, they're nice, but, you know. You're just such a traditionalist. You need a dip or a sauce for those.

You're a real traditionalist. You love crisps. Proper crisps. British crisps, don't you? No. I'm just saying. What's your big snacker, then? Bombay mix is probably my favourite snack.

Ah, mate, I've got some here if you want. I'm not eating anything from this room. Why? What do you mean, why? I do. I know. And that's another reason why I'm not going. There's sauce down here.

Yeah, and there, and crisp packets, and sauce packets, and cutlery, and bloody whatever. What? Bags of drugs. There's no bags of drugs. Stuff we opened like 20 episodes ago that you still got on your table. Now, Paul, let's have a little break from the Trader Joe's products. Let's do that. that you still got on your table.

Now, Paul, let's have a little break from the Trader Joe's products because there was one in the box that she sent me. Yeah. There was one product that was not from Trader Joe's. Oh. I'll hand those to you now. Oh. We'll have a little break.

These are Pop-Tart Bites. So tasty filled pastry bites. Bocaditos. Pesteros con sabroso. Relleno Something like that And this is Frosted strawberry So I guess they're just

Mini They're like mini Pop tarts I guess Yeah but they're not They're made by Kellogg's Are they Does not say Kellogg's

Didn't they make Kellogg's Didn't they make pop tarts Kellogg's I don't know I'm sure it was Kellogg's pop tarts Wasn't it Every time we do this

I've got to do Fucking research Hang on Yeah Kellogg's Says it here Yeah Kellogg's They-Tarts, wasn't it? Every time we do this, I've got to do fucking research. Hang on. Yeah, Kellogg's says it here. Yeah, Kellogg's. They don't make a big deal of it on here. They don't want to be seen

to be the manufacturers of these, do they? No. Strangely. That's what I thought as well. How strange. Because it's not healthy enough. I guess it's too much

on the confectionery side of things. Did you know they were introduced in 1964? Kellogg's? Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts, yeah. They were an American thing,

weren't they? Now, you're not supposed to put these into a toaster. So they're just using the Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts, yeah. They were an American thing, weren't they? Now, you're not supposed to put these into a toaster. So they're just using the Pop-Tarts sort of brand for these, which are just another snack, I guess. So it feels like a fig roll. It feels like a kind of... Oh, that's got half on it, mate.

That's got half and a half on it, mate. Has it? Oh, it's like... Oh, it's that strawberry, that strawberry, artificial strawberry milkshake flavour. Yeah. Smell it. Oh, it's like, oh, it's that strawberry, that strawberry, artificial strawberry milkshake flavour. Yeah. Smell it. Smell it.

Oh, Christ. It's like the strawberry section of a Metropolitan ice cream. Yeah. Now, I'm taking a couple of these out. Oh, they're a bit soft. Yeah, I know. I've noticed that as well. Oh, God.

They're just flaky and really weak. Oh. God. They're just horrible. I don weak oh god what they're just horrible I can't like them do you like real pop tarts yes and no what do you mean

yes and no I've got to be in the mood sometimes and if I do I won't have a fruit one I'll have like a chocolate one or a cakey one you know what I mean

they are like yeah caramel more traditional sweet flavours rather than a fruit the fruit ones always turn me off

I don't like fig rolls for the same fucking reason you don't like fig rolls no it's fucking reason. You don't like fig rolls? No. Is what this is reminding me of? Yeah. Well, don't finish it, Paul. It's fine.

It's so dusty. It's so dusty. Look at the bag. It's all crumbled. Sorry, Jesus. I mean, it just looks like factory floor sweepings. It's not the greatest thing I've ever had, okay? It's like, here, George, sweep these pop-top crumbles up,

fucking put them in a bag and sell them to tossers. I'm George. I do things for him. Hello. Right. So, you point me, put the crumbles

in the bag, put the little bogey in the bag. Yeah, but forget the bogey. No, put the bogey in. Put the bogey in, man, say. Man, say bogey in. Man, say bogey in, me. Right, actually bogey in. Man say bogey in, me.

Actually, at this point now, I'm worried about you, Eli. Do you want to stop the show for a bit? No, I'm liking this improvisation. What man say? Man say bogey. I'm scrumming me George. You say you're enjoying it,

but you look like you're in pain. Seriously, your face looks panicked and angry and a little bit kind of grimaced. That's because I'm in character. George has been told to do something. He doesn't quite understand what it is he has been told to do. Something with... It sounds like any other character you do.

So it could just be you at this point. It is me. It's just me. Right. Can we move on, please? I'm frightened. We need a score for the crumbly. One.

No. I really didn't like it. Half a point. They're horrible. I'll go for two and a half. I don't think they're that bad. Right. Come on, then.

There we go. Chili Spice Mango. We're back. Quite straight in there. We're back to Trader Joe's. This is another chili with sweet. Hello, please. Hello.

Yes? No, no. Let's be Avenue. I'm George, police. Hello. Yes? No, no. Let's be Avenue. I'm George B Avenue. I'm George B Avenue. I'm the police. That's the name of the... That's the guy in the background

I'm worried about. I'm a friend of his. I rest true. So, can you come around to this address? Yeah, it's... I rest true. 22B Let's Be Avenue.

That's the address. No, no. You tell him. I'm the police officer. Yeah, my number is... 22BB Lesby Avenue. That's the address. No, no. You tell him. I'm the police officer. Yeah, my number is. 22B Lesby Avenue. Yeah. What, just keep him on the phone?

Keep him talking? Yeah, okay. I'll keep him talking. So, yeah, Eli. So, yeah, what else is there? Look, there's a little calendar. Yeah. This is a nice retro item.

Just calm down. Stop gaslighting me. Just calm down. Stop gaslighting me. Just calm down, all right? We're all friends here. No, it's item and stop calm down stop gaslighting me calm down stop gaslighting me calm down alright we're all friends here no it's abuse calm down

content monkey number one stands up just calm down I am content monkey listen whatever mate whatever you want to do whatever you want to do it's your place

I've got a fucking retro little retro thing with the pen in and stuff just mentioning it I thought it was meant to be fun this is the police. Eli Silverman, you're under arrest for being a nutter.

All right, good. And scene. And scene. So let's have some chilli mango. Yeah. I bet there is some kind of dish where they put it in some kind of stew. Do you know what I mean?

Maybe. But they'd be wrong. They'd be wrong to do it. Irish stew. Please stop doing that joke. This looks very sticky and moist, this mango. It looks highly dusted with some kind of spice mix. It does, yeah.

And let's see what they say on the pack. I'm not particularly looking forward to this for some reason. Sweetened, dried, sweetened? Sweetened. Dried mango with chilli seasoning. So it says seasoning, so I don't think that's just pure chilli powder. Really? No, they wouldn't do that's just pure chilli powder. I think they've... Really? No, they wouldn't do that.

They wouldn't be mean like that. I've taken a puff. Oh, it's very... Chilli. No. It's like a Christmas cake, fruit cake. Is it? Christmas fruit cake kind of smell.

That's got spice, really? I smell it. Does that remind you of a Christmas fruit cake or something? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a dried fruit. This actually smells good. I don't know. I am not a fan of this stuff at all. Oh, yeah. Ooh, that's a dried fruit. This actually smells good. I don't know. I am not a fan of this stuff at all.

Oh, I do not like that. Are you eating some? Yeah, I do. It's in my mouth. I do not like it. It's quite hot, isn't it? Yeah, it's not nice. I like that.

I don't like it. Well. I'm just going to swallow it. There it goes. What don't you like about it, Paul? You don't like dried fruit, do you? I've got a weird thing with dried fruit Some of it I can deal with Some of it I really can't

What is it about it? I don't know Do you like Christmas cake? I hate that No, I hate Christmas cake I hate mince pies Can we just say that now? Mince pies are shit

They're fucking shit What is good at Christmas? Egg What's that egg advocate? That's like puke water Oh, you mean eggnog? Yeah. Well, that's an American thing, so whatever.

Advocar. Advocar. Isn't advocar very similar to eggnog? It's some egg liquor. I don't know. Egg liquor? Oh, I see what you mean. Licky, licky, fanny, fanny.

Licky, licky, fanny, fanny. Right. She's called the egg liquor. Now, we're going to move on to the sauce experience part of this podcast now, Paul. Yeah. Little sauce report, which I didn't get round to before. I have now, I have three miniature Tabasco bottles. Brilliant.

Do you want to know how I came across my third one? Probably on your belly. Yeah, I jazzed off. I jazzed off over it. Yeah, right. Let's get out of the way. Yeah. I was at the Blues Kitchen. I went downstairs over it yeah right let's get out of the way yeah I was at the blues kitchen

I went downstairs to get my money yeah end of the night yeah hello hello love I said

hello it's more like I'm gonna vom no I was not gonna vom I'm gonna shit me back give me the money quick in the office where they were doing the cash up

yeah loads of little bottles like a whole little case of miniature really yeah Tabasco's and I said why have you got those and then she went oh the manager doing the cash up. Yeah. Loads of little bottles, like a whole little case of miniature. Really? Yeah.

For Tabascos? And I said, why have you got those? And then she went, oh, the manager said, oh, I sent off for some normal sized ones and then they sent us these.

So you went, oh, wow. Can I have one? Can I have one? And she said, yes. She went,

yeah, you can either have these. Think of the waste of those things. They're literally like two, you know. What if she'd said though, you can either have your money or these saucers? It would be a tough decision, Paul, but I'd have to say my money, you twats.

Right. Fuck off. Here's the first of the hot sauces from Trader Joe's. Now, I've got... Are you holding that box in your lap, doing that and screaming? It makes you look like a mad person. You've made me like this. I haven't.

You fucking have. I haven't. All I've done is nurture the beast. Come on. You ready? Yes. Well, I haven't. All I've done is nurture the beast. Come on. You ready? Yes. Well, I need a spoon, I've just realised. Right, I'll get a couple of spoons.

Right, we're stopping this segment. We're done. No, we're not. Yeah. Paul, we've got loads to get through. I know, but within half an hour, so I'm done now. I'm bored. No, you're not done.

I've refused. We'll not be doing the live stream. He's got me there, ladies and gentlemen. Right, well, while gentlemen Right well while he goes While he goes I'll entertain you with some Of my songs Lady love Lady love

I like your skirt and I like your glove Lady love Lady love You came down from heaven above Cause you're my lady love My lady love my lovely lady lady, my lovely lady, lady love. Hey, I'm doing the guest rap in this song. And you know my dick is so lovely.

Right, okay, good. So, thanks. All right. I was doing a nice romantic song. Girl with your hot, hot butt, yeah. No, I only... No. Oh, only you.

Only you can say girl with your hot, hot butt. Hot, hot butt. Only you can say girl with your hot bod. De-bum, de-bum, de-bum, de-bum, de-bum, de-bum, hot, hot bod. Show me your sauce. Could you just remove all these phlegmal noises I'm making, please? Take your sauce spoon. I've got a sauce spoon. The first of the two sauces we'll be tasting... Yeah.

...in this Trader Joe's special hot sauce experience, the US connection, is organic spicy taco sauce so is it a sauce mostly to put in a taco i think it's for tacos yes lovely uh they say it's a fiery tangy blend of peppers and spices so it's not a hot sauce this is one of the hybrid sauces yeah that combines spice with other probably a tomatoey hit i say. So have a little look at the ingredients. Water. Vinegar. Can we move on?

Tomato paste is the third... Right. Shut up. Doesn't matter. Listen, this box is going to eat into your price of shite, which was hastily... Hastily... I just want some hot sauce

so we can move on look we've got several more items I know I've been going for 40 minutes this segment they fucking love it people need the sauce Paul such a thing as brevity my friend yeah if you didn't call the police on me twice if you didn't bring in fucking

teen yeti teen yeti was appropriate is the only thing you've got going for you no he's not Bring in fucking Teen Yeti. Teen Yeti was... No. Teen Yeti... Appropriate. ...is the only thing you've got going for you. No, he's not. He is. Stop. You'll just end up just becoming Teen Yeti forever.

Yeah, I could have a suit and everything. Yeah, you could. It'd be a good idea. I could live on the street. Go on tour. Yeah. You could live on the street. Here, taste some of this taco sauce.

Now, you're... Paul, you like Mexican food, don't you? I do. I'll do it myself. All right. Because otherwise I'd get to drink it. Give yourself some sauce. Now you're, Paul you like Mexican food, don't you? I do, I'll do it myself. Alright, because otherwise I get to drink it. Give yourself some sauce, it does smell spicy and tomatoey which I guess is what it is, so

are you ready? Chin chin. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, it's dry. Mmm. And vinegary, I like it. Yeah, you can see where that would go in a taco. It really would. You can almost taste the meat along with that. That's lovely, yeah. It's not very hot though. No. It's hot though no it's no it isn't is it's more of a vinegary which is probably fine it's nice i was expecting it to be sweeter

do you know what i mean i thought that was sweet enough it's dry yeah it's not sweet no there's a sweetness to it nice stuff yeah i'll put that but it's very mexican tasting isn't it yeah but i would say it was fiery. Now, you hold onto your spoon. I'm holding onto my spoon. Perhaps give it a little licky, licky, fanny, fanny. Look, look, can we not make that a thing? No, can we not make that a thing? We shouldn't make that a thing.

Why? Mate, think about why we shouldn't make that a thing. All right, next up. Give it a good clean, though. Jokes aside, I don't want Cheap Show merch that says licky, licky, fanny, fanny with our faces attached. All right, all right. I want more Bicky t-shirts. Meowokes aside, I don't want Cheap Show merch that says Licky Licky Fanny Fanny with our faces attached. Alright, alright. I want more Bicky t-shirts.

Meow. Oh, don't. Hang on, no, fuck off. You bring in Teen Yeti. Meow. Yeah. I don't know why Bicky's hanging around with his, you know,

Johnny Biscuit. What's he called? Who's he called? Jimmy. Jimmy Biscuit. He hasn't shown his face. His cat's round here, isn't it? Yeah, because you know what?

I have to look after his cat. He gets into fights with the scribbles. And then Teen Yeti comes out. Have you ever seen Teen Yeti in his underpants? No. Come out, his fucking wanganuts all coming round the side of his underpants. Do you know what I mean? I don't need to see that.

You love it. I love these wanganuts. You love sitting in your bed in the dark at night, staring into the corner and imagining all that because you're lonely. Now, next on this sauce experience, Paul. Yeah. Something I've been looking forward to. Oh, what's this?

This is yuzu hot sauce. Yuzu hot sauce? Yuzu is a Japanese citrus fruit. Okay. And it is making itself appear a lot over... This sentence really will not work out for me. It's becoming more prominent in the West. That's what I was going to say. Good. not work out for me. It's becoming more prominent in the West.

That's what I was going to say. Good. No, thank you. Thank you. You see it more and more, Yuzu, because there was a drink, a Yuzuade,

I saw the other day. Really? Yeah. Fucking lush. So is it like a lemon or something? It's close to a lemon and it's close to a lime.

I think it's just sort of... Just a bitter citrus fruit. It's citrus. It's very citrusy. Fine. I'm actually keen. So is this like untreated or is it like it's flavouring the hot sauce, this one? Well, it says simultaneously spicy and citrusy.

Oh. So it's going to be hot and it's going to be tart and citrusy. What's it used in usually? You could use that as a sort of salad dressing, couldn't you? Okay. Nice. Or anything you'd use hot sauce on, really. Okay.

They're good. I mean, that taco sauce is nice. That taco sauce is nice, but you don't really want that in a taco. So let's see what the Y use hot sauce on, really. Okay. They're good. I mean, that taco sauce is nice. That taco sauce is nice, but you don't really want that in a taco. So let's see what the yuzu hot sauce is like. Yuzu taco, yuzu taco. It's got bits. Very runny. Very runny.

It's got bits in there. Ooh. Yeah, it's got a lemony kind of lemony grass thing going on. Very lemony taste. And I can taste, detect a bit of chilli there as well. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

That's tart. That's tart there as well. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. That's tart. That's tart, that is. Ooh. Ooh. But not in a really unpleasant way, though. It's nice. On a salad, you're right, that's fucking spot on. Yeah.

A simple salad, tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce. I'll be eating that up, right up, mate. Ooh, you know what? That actually impressed me, that. I like that one. No, no, their sauces are really good. That's why I said the Green Dragon one is like... The Holy Grail.

Crack in a bottle. You know what I mean? You don't want to crack in a bottle. It'll spill out. Yeah, but no, it's like... I know. Yeah. What next?

Now, we're on to the powdered objects. The powdered... Now, something I bring up a lot on this show, Paul, is the concept of umami. Yeah. Perhaps you'd just like to do a little pre-see? Pre-see to what? Of umami, what umami is. Just as I'm

getting into this, could you do it? Umami is what your ma tastes like. Umami. It just means kind of like what? Well, you might be... Pastry flavours and things. After you've tasted this next item, you might be more wise about what to choose.

Is this just powder that says umami flavoured powder? Because if so, we've done that on the show before. We've done it. What, Mushroom & Company? Yeah. All right. Great. Now, next one, Paul.

Yeah. That's just for me, because I've been using that umami powder on everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Yeah. Like a wank. No, no, no. I powdered my helmet. Yeah. I think I was mean everything. Yeah. Like a wank. Yeah. No, no, no. I powdered my helmet. Yeah.

I think, I was lying there. Yeah. You still go through this. What this wank is, is umami. And then I'm like, oh, I'm bored.

I'm bored of this. Bored of this. Bored. Oh, what's that over there? It's the umami powder. I'll try that. Squiggle, squiggle. Squiggle, squiggle.

Dust, dust, dust. Dust, dust, dust. Dust, dust, dust. Shut up. Oh, my helmet's got all powder on it. All powder on it. That's got some traction. Oh, now it's got some purchase. Oh, now it's got the gristle against the banjo. Oh, yeah.

Flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. I'm going to hand this to you, Paul, and I'll allow you to say what you see. He's dumbfounded, people. He's dumbfounded. I went there again. Here we go. Went there again like he's some edgelord comic.

I went there. Now, hey, what's this, Paul? Everything but the bagel sesame seasoning blend with sea salt, garlic, and onion. Now, I love the concept, because what it is is an everything bagel but without the bagel

it's a dusted it's a bagel in crumbs yeah so it's just just the everything that you get on a bagel what's the half like? smells like a crumbled up bagel

does it? yeah ooh it really does I love that is that for salad? do you like everything bagels? yeah would you go for an everything bagel?

I like bagels you know those bagel places where you'd say oh everything a nice bit of cream cheese in a nice big wadge of it yeah so go for an everything bagel? I like bagels. You know those bagel places where you'd say, oh, everything. A nice bit of cream cheese in. A nice big wadge of it. Yeah, so you could get a bagel and put some of this. You could put some of this on top of a bagel. Yeah.

Like, you could get a bagel, put some cream cheese on. When was the last time you bought a bagel? I've got some in the fridge. Have you? Yeah. Since you bought that? Probably about four years since I last bought some. But what else would you use this for, I wonder?

No, it's too seedy for that. What do you mean, oh, I see seedy. You get seed stuck. Yeah, you don't want a seed in your meters. No, I'm going to just put some in my hand and have a little taste of it. Yeah. What do you think? Taste of garlic and mustard and crumbs and bits.

I like that. Great. Paul, are you getting discouraged? Uh-huh. Just a couple more items. Instant noodle. Yeah, get that out. Plain noodle.

Done. Done, done, done. Move on from that plain noodle. No. I don't need to talk about that. You shut up. Yeah? I'm doing my bit.

Don't worry about that. Now listen, Paul. Because it's noodles. Because it's sauces. Because it's spices. It's the things that made this show good. Not your incessant moaning. You're going to taste some of this now.

And you're going to enjoy it. It's another spice mix. Fucking spice mix. Cheap show. The show that goes with the... There's a box of sauces and noodles and things Eli likes. Oh. Here we go.

This is chilli and lime seasoning blend. Great. Smell that. Don't move on. What does it taste like? Like lemongrass and salt. That's really limey. Yeah, limey.

That's lovely. That's actually quite nice. Oh, lovely. Right, next. Keep it moving. Keep it moving. It's lovely, mate. Right.

And this is the last. Yay. Of the Trader Joe items. Oh, God. What is this? Paul, have a look at these ones. Ghost chilli what? It's ghost chillies.

Smoked ghost chillies. Are they just ghost chillies? Goat chillies. Ghost. Get off. Give it to me. It's mine. We have to take it off.

Oh, God. We have to do a little arrangement. It's a whole fucking thing. This is a grinder. It's a pepper mill but it has smoked ghost chillies in it. But I think you need to...

What do you need to do? They're just already crumbled up. How do you get this off? Oh, here we go. You tug it and then you pull it out. Here we go. All the powder is already

in a little bag. That's how powerful. They can't transport it because if one of these cracked in the transport, mate... Oh, it'd be terrible. What's going on?

I've got chilli all down my face. I'm driving. Now I've fucking crashed. I'm dead. I'm dead. Yep. So there's a little bag of chillis in here. And I'm just opening these, and I'm going to pour it into the grinder.

All right. A little bit of construction work. Yeah, a little bit needed. But he's pouring it in Professionally, carefully Slowly As you did with the powder thing No, to be fair, even if you'd opened it up

It would have done the same thing because it was packed Both ends And that goes on nicely So I'm going to grind some of this into your hand How about you grind it onto a spoon Into the spoon Oh, some came out Yeah, that's why you have to have it in the bag.

Here I go, governor. No, you're not doing it. No, look. Here I go, governor. Oh, it's smoky. Oh, it is hot. Is that hot? Oh, it's hot.

Oh, that's spicy. Oh, fuck, it's hot. Yeah. Oh, it's hot. Oh, that's really hot. Wow. Wow, they're hot. Oh, it's a hot one. It's burning my tongue, man. Oh. That is hot. Yeah. It's hot. Oh, that's really hot. Wow. Wow, they're hot. It's burning my tongue, man.

That is hot. I think my tongue's bleeding. That's really hot. That's like... It's smoky as well. It's got that smoke to it as well. It's nice, but fuck. Would you want anything that hot?

You'd only want a sprinkle on, would you? I've got no drink. Do you want me to get you a drink? No, I'll be all right. You know what I've got? What? Lychee Rubicon. No. I'm getting it. I want get you a drink? No, I'll be alright. You know what I've got? A lychee Rubicon. No!

I'm getting it. I want it. You drink it then because lychee Rubicon's too sweet and horrible. Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Ah! Oh, mate, everything's leaking on my face. Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah!

Oh, water, water, water, water. Why did you bite into the can? I'm just putting my tongue in a cold can. Oh, that's painful. Oh, God. It all just burns. That's better. Light she water's good.

I like that light she water. Is that the end segment over with? I can't talk. Ow, my tongue really hurts. My tongue hurts. I can't talk. And it's in the teeth, and it keeps rolling up my mouth. No, it's really painful now.

It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. It, it's really painful now. It's made it. Ah! Oh, it's caught in my throat. Right, is this the last thing? Right, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Now, Paul, I just wanted to mention this because I saw it in the shop the other day. Yeah.

It's a noodle. Good. This is a Togi brand plain noodle. No soup included. It's just a noodle. Now, we've had one packers, haven't we? We've had two packers, three packers, even four packet noodles. We've had them all.

Now, we've got... A no packer. A zero packer. Oh, God, my tongue is killing me. Fucking hell. My roof of my mouth hurts. My tongue feels like it's bleeding. My teeth are itching. Oh, there's those chilies, man.

Wow. I didn't think it was going to be that hot i've got a sweat on and actually i'm very careful about where my fingers are going to go now and my eyes are watering so i'm lady fingers lady figures so it's got zero and i went and bought this and she goes you know there's no yeah i'm like yeah now what i'd like do, Paul, this is a very generic product. Yeah. I'd like to get some of that all-purpose sauce that we've seen. Yeah.

And put it on a plain noodle. Right, well, good. And then it's like, it's got a certain purity to it, doesn't it? It does. Like, this is for all purposes, this sauce. This is your base. And this noodle is for all purposes as well. Yeah.

It's plain. Yeah. It's got nothing to it. It's a blank slate. It's double generic food. This is just a pure pimping canvas waiting for the

I need the section to end because my mouth hurts well you can't because I'm going on about the noodle ah you cunt how dare you

splash me get a move on you've had your tongue in that water get me a move on I've done the segment you've ruined it you've ruined my mouth You've ruined my mouth.

You've ruined my fucking segment. Look, it's a zero pack noodle. I don't give a fucking shit. Get out of my show. Thank you for all the stuff, Jenny.

Thank you, Jenny. Can we stop? My mouth really fucking hurts. You're a cunt, aren't you? My mouth hurts. I don't have any fun on

this show. You have plenty of fun on this show. I just watched you go mental as you tried to do Team Nieti. That was not going mental. That was a pre-planned piece of theatre. No, it wasn't a pre-planned piece of theatre.

I can't speak. I can't speak. Are you going all liver-puddling? I can't speak. I can't speak. Put me the tongue in the cooker. Don't attack me physically. End of segment. End of segment.

Go on, press stop. You can't. It's the end of the show. It's not the end of the show. We're doing Price is... It's the last segment of the show. Oh, yeah. I like to eat all this stuff in my room.

It tastes so nice. Eli, seriously, are you all right? Even in the gloom, the gloom of the room. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play a no-strings-attached, simple-as-you-like version of The Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shiteite it's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking

price of shite it's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite that's right thank you now what you got

for me now all the prices of shite you know if I look I just don't look at you when I'm doing this it's great hello

but you also look like a really bad Stevie Wonder impressionist at the same time so no don't carry on doing it I bought three items

hello no that's one from the isn't it weird how hello by hello by Lionel Richie

yeah features a blind woman doesn't it yes and she makes a model of his face that's why I get confused with Stevie Wonder

which is why I just called to say I love you to say yeah I love you that was bad

wasn't it that was a low point for his career it was a soppy song it wasn't his greatest

can we it was a big hit though great very big hit of course it was can I move on you can move on

any time you like so ladies and gentlemen I went out and bought three things and as the game goes all he has to do is guess the price if he gets it spot on it's two points Of course it was. Can I move on? You can move on any time you like, Paul. So, ladies and gentlemen, I went out and bought three things. And as the game goes, all you have to do is guess the price. If you get it spot on, it's two points. Ba-dwing!

Ba-dwing! If you get it between 25p either way, you get a single point. Ba-dwing! If I get them in the right order of price, I get a point for each place in the right order. We're not doing that. We're keeping it simple. Well, you might as well. All right. If that's how you want to play it. So, say it again. An extra bonus point if you get it in the right order. We're not doing that. We're keeping it simple. Well, you might as well. All right.

If that's what you want to play it. So, say it again. An extra bonus point if you get it in the right order. Ba-dwing, ba-dwing, ba-dwing. There's three possible points. So, to recap, if I get it on the nose, two points.

Ba-dwing, ba-dwing. If I get it within... Stop, please. Within 25 feet either way. Please. It's a point. Ba-dwing. And if I get them in the right order,

for each item I get in the right order of cheapest item I get in the right order Of cheapest In the middle And lowest I get a potential Bonus point For each of those

Because you could get You could get all the prices wrong But still get it in the right order I could Because that gives you still three points That would So No

I am really this far away What? From really hurting me? Actually hurting me? To just gagging you with a sock. You can't gag me. You can't gag Content Monkey number one. That's the thing.

I'm so sad that I can't. So I bought three items. One from the Raise Your Voice. Two from Marie Curie. Okay. Yes. I don't know which is which. Funnily enough, there's a bit of a theme.

Not quite, but a bit of a theme. All right. All right. All right. So do I get a point for guessing the theme? Stop going. All right. I could do that noise every time you get a new item out of the bag as well. I'm going to get the biggest one out first.

Okay. All right. Yeah. First item. He's handing it to me. Here you go. What's this? Oh, my God. Is that a chopping board? Yeah. What's this? Oh my God.

Is that a chopping board? Yeah. It's a chopping board. It's for the kitchen chopping board. And this is in the... It's designed like a... Talking to the bike.

It's designed like a Technics 1210 turntable. Yeah. It looks like a turntable. And you've got... Yeah. M Mark II, JJ120 Mark II.

Yeah. And on the record that is lying on our picture of a turntable. And you've got, yeah, M Mark II, JJ 120 Mark II. Yeah. And on the record that is lying on our picture of a turntable, it's a pictorial record as well. None of this is real. No. This is all just

represented upon a glass. It's a glass chopping board. Is it a chopping board? Is it just like... Fucking hell, you clumsy, fat-handed twat.

Fuck you. My hands are fucking perfect. What? No comment, Your Honour. Look at that. Yeah, you've hurt your finger. I've hurt my finger. Fuck you. My hands are fucking perfect. What? No comment, your honour. Look at that. Yeah, you've hurt your finger.

I've hurt my finger. Lady fingers. You can just carry on. Imagine there was like, there was like a hair metal group called Lady Finger. Like before we know. They'd be good,

is all I'd say. They would be. They'd be good. So it looks like a 1210 record player. Got all the features there, Paul. The stop start button. Yeah. The tone arm there. Yeah. The like a 1210 record player. Got all the features there, Paul. The stop start button.

The tone arm there. The cartridge sitting on the tone arm. That's the speed dial. Speed dial. And look, they've turned it up. They're not playing it at its intended speed. That always pisses me off. Mate, you clumsy wank! It's a big object!

The house of pickles is small! I guess you're not used to handling big objects in this room are you The answer's no No So What you doing I'm doing what you ask Every week you ask

No because you never leave It's a I think it's a hot plate more than like For putting For chopping It's not a chopping board You don't think No it's like a heat thing

For like putting on the table when you serve the spud. Maybe, okay. The hot bowls on the table. Because look, it's got little rubber feet at each corner. That's not a chopping board. I don't know. I thought it was. I would like...

Do you know what's funny? What was the name of the label you mentioned at the top of the show when you were talking about those songs you bought? You said Cherry something. Cherry Stones. And look what the cover is on that. Yeah, this is Cherry. How funny. It's very stones. And look what the cover is on that. Yeah, this is cherry. How funny.

It's very funny. And what was the flavour of that shark candy? Cherry. Oh my God! We've said cherry three times. You've won a prize, Eli. Yeah, because it's three cherries. Yeah, you've won a prize.

What is the prize? It's the second item. It's all three items. All right. Yeah, because they're going to hang around in here. Yeah. You've won a prize. What is the prize? It's the second item. It's all three items. All right. Yeah, because they're going to hang around in here. Yeah. You're just trying to get the biggest clump of some items. So my whole fucking house fills up with shit.

It's all right. You can have that in your house. It's going to be like the Collier's Mansion in here. It is. This bedroom is a Collier's Mansion. But instead of like books and cars, it's spoff and clothes and food. Stop. Shut up.

There ain't no spoff in here. Spoffier's Mansion. Eli lives in Sp up! There ain't no spoff in here. Spoffiest mansion. Eli lives in spoffiest mansion. It also says Joseph Joseph on the record label. Yeah. And that's a strange S-I-A-E, which you sometimes see in old school records. But all these details aren't exactly right. These are wrong.

I know, but whatever. It's just a little bit of fun, innit? Can I see the other items before I guess the price? Because I really, I want to... Yeah. And I need a sort of upper limit. Could you give me an upper limit to how much? Well, all the items were below a certain price.

All right, let me just put it this way. I went to these three shops. Yeah. And I took a tenner and I got three pounds change. Overall, three pounds change. Just make sure that's right. Oh, no, I got a ten... No.

Okay, I bought some milk for you, remember? So, actually, take 50's right. Oh, no. I got to take... No. Okay. I bought some milk for you, remember? So, actually, take 50p off. About 50p. So, and the shark, which is a quid, by the way. So, £1.50. So, what's that? So, it was all... It all cost £6.50, yeah?

One. Paul is doing his maths face. He looks really confused. Okay. I spent just around the fiver. Around the fiver. I'm just going to leave it vague. Fine.

I would like to see this. This could be the most expensive. It's a nice piece of glass, and it's a chopping board. I think it's more of a sort of put your hot pans on on the table. Hot pans on. Hot pans on on the table. That's the first item. I have my thoughts, but I'd really like to see the other two.

Because I haven't done well in recent versions of this game, have I? And I'd like to get three points today. Oh, good luck. So here's the next item. That's my personal goal. Oh, it's paint your own. It's a paint your own mug set, Paul. It's a mug that you paint

on and make your own patterns. Right, so in this little orange box, I can see there's a plain mug. Yeah. Always comes in handy. Yeah. Doesn't it? You can't go wrong with a plain mug, can you, Dove? But you've got paints in here as well.

Little paints. And little brushes. Yeah. And some instructions as well. You know what? Why don't we paint it on the stream tonight? Okay, let's do that. Yeah.

We'll have a little paint. We'll have a little paint. We'll have a little session. So even though this will go out in the future and the stream happened in the past, we are going to be painting the stream on Twitch. Now you've got your paint your own mug, it's time for the fun to begin. Oh. I love this copy. Just follow our easy step-by-step instructions and you too will have a special mug of your

own. Great to show your family and friends. Yeah. Read the instructions before use. Yeah, fair enough. Follow them and keep them for reference. Good. One, clear an area for you to paint your mug on. Done. Done. We would suggest

a strong table covered with old newspapers or an old cloth. Oh. Always carry out all activity away from foodstuffs and that you cover furnishings and carpets. Two. Oh, God. Do we got to go through all the rules? Now it's time.

Now. Now it's time to get yourself ready. Oh. Pull your pants down. No, it doesn't say that. Get your knob off. No, it doesn't. Josh, your knob off.

What are we going to do? Dip your dick in the paint. Put something on you don't mind getting paint on. This paint must be quite stainy. Yeah, probably. Because it has to stick to the mug. It has to going to do? Dip your dick in the paint. Put something on you don't mind getting paint on. This paint must be quite stainy. Yeah, probably. It has to stick to the mug, doesn't

it? It has to stick to the mug. It has to be strong. It has to be sticky. Right, that's the

second item. We will be painting that mug though. That's a fun thing, isn't it? Yep. So that's, I

got that. Rule three. No, we're not going through all the rules, mate. There's only three. All right, then we are.

When you finish painting your mug, allow it to dry. Fair enough. I fucking wouldn't have thought that would be one of the fucking rules. For one hour, wash your brush clean with water.

Fair enough. Oh, no. Here we go. Here's the little fucking small print. The caveat. Here's the fucking small print. Oh, fun. Paint this fucking thing.

It'll be a laugh. Won't have to do anything. No, it won't be a pain in the arse that fucking ruins my whole fucking day yes it will an adult will then need

to place your mug in a cold oven and turn up the temperature to 140c or gas mark 3 yeah then bake it for 30 minutes

use oven gloves to remove it allow to cool for at least 20 minutes yeah that makes sense I was expecting that I don't want to put that fucking mug

in no oven you meant to though that's how you bake it in I'll fucking mug in now, Avan. You meant to, though. That's how you bake it in. Your artwork. I'll bake you in. What do you mean? I'll put you in a mug and bake you in. I'll put a cake on you in.

What's wrong with you today? It's like last week. I can't give you enough. I'm not giving enough. This week, you're giving too much. I don't think that's possible. And it's unfiltered claptrap. I'll bake your head in a cavern.

So. A cavern of eggs. Two items. What's wrong with you? Right. That's the second item. Last item coming up. I'm having thoughts, Paul.

My worry is what those thoughts are. They're about the prices of these Price of Shite items. Let's have number three. I've got one last. Got to get it off the thing. Get the price off it. Pick the price off it. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Now. Oh, I've got a receipt in. This is a keepy cup. It's a keepy cup. It's a Costa keepy cup. It's a Costa keepy cup. It's clearly a Costa keepy cup. It's a chintzy Costa keepy cup.

Yeah, chintzy is a C word, but it doesn't work. I know, but that's why I used it. It doesn't matter, though. It was my point. I was trying to just use the same kind of thing. What about this? It's a crappy Costa Keepy Cup. It's a crappy chintzy Costa Keepy Cup.

Yes. It's all cummy now. Do you know why? Why? I just spunked it. You didn't. Stop making things spoffy. I micro-spunked.

Do you mean micro-spunk? I can spunk. You just sit there and then move on. And it's really quick. Like that. What does that do for you? I can deposit spunk. What for purpose?

For drapes and pranks. Drapes and pranks. You're a fucking criminal. I could go micro-spunk and fit down that hole. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry about this podcast. Don't start saying sorry. I'm really sorry. Micro-funk can fit down that hole. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry about this podcast. Don't start saying sorry. I'm really sorry.

Micro-fowlers can get in there. Now, this is a good quality item, Paul. Isn't it? It's very heavy. Yeah, because it's ceramic. Ceramic. Porcelain. And it's completely designed to look like one of their disposable mugs.

Yeah. Which has a certain wavy pattern on the cardboard. That keeps the heat away from your fingers. Do you know what, though? What? Of all the major brands, and it is the biggest coffee brand in Britain. Yeah.

Bigger than Starbucks. I just think it's not as good. Ah, yeah. What are your thoughts? You love Costa, don't you? I don't. You do. You're the ultimate Costa customer.

You crappy Costa customer. I am a crappy Costa chintzy keepy-cuppy customer. Costa customer. Costa customer. Costa customer. Costa customer. I'm a crappy Costa chintzy keepy cuppy. Costa customer. Costa customer. Costa customer. Costa customer. Do you think if I went to Starbucks and went, ick. Costa cum dumpster.

What? Cum dumpster. Cum dumpster. Yeah. Here comes the cum dumpster. Murderer. Right. I'm a dribbly gangster.

Oh, God. Still spoffing like that. I got my micro weenie. Right. Right, go on. And it's got a nice rubber. Yeah. Keeps it on.

Keep your cup cover. Yeah. Nice item. Yeah, it's all right. It's all right. But what if you went into Starbucks or Nero? And you went, look, put it in that. But they go, go no that's Costa

we can't do that the corporate overlords will come down we can't put it in there sir I'm sorry get out I won't get out I want my coffee

no you will not stop me I will go I'm getting over the counter and I'm squeezing some beans don't fucking throw pepper dust at me oh he's put it down his pants

he's I'm going to sprinkle hot peppers on my dingle You'd be in big trouble Yeah I know So that's the third item Stop slamming stuff on the desk That's where we record Do you cost to give you a big discount?

I think it's like 20p Pret a Manger is the best discount Is it? 50p Is it? So you can get One pound Filter coffee

Yeah For a quid And if you have your own cup It costs you 50p That's alright isn't it? That's very good And you put your own creamy milk in And if you have your own coffee, it costs you 50p. That's alright, isn't it? That's very good. And it's not bad, the coffee imprint. Actually, yeah. It's alright. Anyway, my point originally was, I go to Costa

a lot. We talked about coffee on this show. It's coloured everywhere and it's easy to go in. Is that why I'm into it? No, it's because I'm into coffee. I love coffee as well. I love fucking coffee. I know you like fucking coffee. I don't fuck coffee. Well, that's the one thing you like fucking coffee. It powers this... I don't fuck coffee. Well, that's the one thing you apparently don't fucking fuck then.

You stupid little poisonous dingus. Dingo. You dirty dingus. No, that's a nice item but I don't really... I've got my own keepy cup. All right. My telescopic keepy cup.

Yeah, no, I like that one. Does it keep the drink hot for long? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I don't think that will keep drinks hot for long. It doesn't look like it's a better, because it's ceramic. Look.

But isn't it like glass, where it'll just disperse it? Because glass is awful for keeping heat. A mug's worse, is it? Yeah. I just don't know if this is a vacuum one. Like, some ceramic ones keep the heat, and some don't. No, that is not a thermos at all. No.

It's just a normal, it's a cup, isn't it? It's nice anyway. It's got a good weight to it. I think it's good, man. You should keep that and just use it for... Okay, good. Now, it's come to the business end of the segment, Paul. It's the business end.

You've seen all the items tonight. So I'll just have a quick recap. We have the record player design chopping board stroke... What do they call those things? Pan. Table protector. Yeah. Put a pan on.

And then our second item was paint-it-yourself mug. Paint-it-yourself mug. And the third item was the Keepy Cup. Ah, Keepy Cup. The crappy Keepy Cup from Costa. Crappy Keepy Cup from Costa. The chintzy crappy Keepy Cup from Costa. It's cum-filled now, as we've discussed.

The cum-filled, cheesy, chintzy... Cheesy? Have you added cheese? Have you sprinkled your... I have a cheesy... Ball Parmesan. Cheesy chuff. Your bollock Parmesan.

Have you got bollock trough? Bollock trough with crispy Parmesan pieces Cheesy Chuff. Your Bollock Parmesan. Have you got Bollock Druff? Bollock Druff with crispy Parmesan pieces. Dried yeast. There's no fight in it. Textured yeast protein. There's no fight. Just please answer. Textured yeast protein coming off your scruffle.

He's going to write something down. Oh, he's looking for the prices. Right. I'm just going to write them on the back of this. So, you've got the paint in your own cup, the Costa cup, and the chopping board. And the whole lot didn't come to more than a fiver. Yeah. So, what do you say?

Where do you want to start? What do you want to start with? Because maybe you can go from cheapest to most expensive. The cheapest. Raise My Voice Foundation. Yeah. Which is that one, what, just around the corner? That's where I got that from. You got what from there? Paint Your Own. Okay. Yeah. Which is that one, what, just around the corner? That's where I got that from. You started there. You got what

from there? Paint Your Own. Okay. Yeah. I think that was £1.50 and I think it was the cheapest. You say £1.50. So I think Paint Your Own mug is the cheapest item. Right. And then what? These were both from Marie Curie. Yeah. Both from Marie Curie. Okay, yeah.

£2.50 for the Costa. I think that's our middle item is the Costa Keepy Cup. £2.50 for the Costa I think that's our middle item is the Costa Keepy Cup £2.50 Costa Maybe that's the most expensive Actually, let's say £3 £3 for Costa And then how much money do I have left? I don't know

I said £1.50 for this £3.50 for that That's £4.50 altogether and it's less than a 5 or 4 so that can't be 50p so I've got this wrong Well, there we go I've got it wrong

So, I'm starting again. Alright. Until you lock it in it's all fluid. I still think that a paint your own mug is the cheapest item but I'm going to go for a quid.

Okay. On that. I'm amending so it says £1 for the mug. Next. What is the next cheapest? I think this. The chopping board.

£1.75. £1.75 for the chopping board. And then we've got £1.75 for the chopping board. And then we've got £2.25 remaining for the most expensive item, the Costa cup, yeah? So you think it's £2.25 for the Costa, yeah? Yeah. Let me repeat these back to you. Okay, so I'm happy.

Let's make sure I'm happy. Before we lock it in. Let's make sure I'm happy. I'm not happy. No, we know. In third place, the cheapest item today, you think, is the paint your own mug for £1. And look at how they've painted it. Flowers.

Yeah. That's not very imaginative, is it? That's shit. It's just there. Shit. It's just encouraging the lack of... Well, then you do better. I will do better.

Good. On the live stream tonight. Which people can see right now on Twitch. Forward slash Cheap Show. Well, how long do they keep things on Twitch for? For a little while, I think. And then they fuck them off. Maybe. I'll look into it. But for now... Are they not there on Twitch for? For a little while, I think. And then they fuck them off. Maybe.

I'll look into it. But for now... Are they not there forever? No, but for now, it's there. So if you go to cheap show, et cetera, then you can find them. Unless it's not there because we did something unspeakable.

Well, I might try and move it to YouTube if that happens, though. When it gets... I don't know. I'm new to Twitch. You need to look into it. Yeah, I'll look into it. All right.

Gobshite. Right, you said £1 for the mug. Then you said the chopping board is £1.75. Yes. And the most expensive item today is the Costa mug, which you said was £2.25. Yes. Here we go. The actual prices of

them were... Come on, three points. I just need three points. So... What was the cheapest item? Let me write it down because I'm... What was the cheapest item? I could it down because I'm three so it was what was the cheapest item I could get nine would be the most

the maximum points are nine okay well that isn't gonna happen oh shit so you said it was mug chopping board

cost a cup yeah any any in the right order the cheapest I mean let's just say no now so the cheapest item was

the chopping board it was one pound fuck so no prices there because you are 75p I mean, let's just say no now. So the cheapest item was the chopping board. It was £1. Fuck! So no prizes there because you are 75p out. The next on the list, the middle item, cost the mug. That was £1.50. What did I say? £2.25.

You said £2.25. So no points there either. And then the most expensive was the mug, which was two pound. And I said... You said one pound. So let me just count up all the points. I've got no points.

Shut up. You know what? Your score is a bit like Edwin Starr's war. Absolutely nothing. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That would have worked better

if you'd said it like this, Paul. Yeah. Your score is a bit like what Edwin Starr's War said war was worth. I don't know if it does sound better like that. It does.

It does. Because it doesn't make fucking sense. He didn't say war was absolutely nothing. He said, what's it good for? Well, that's what they

say like this. Your score was like Edwin Starr's opinion of war. What was it good for? Yes. It's not as easy as it first seems. No, it's not, actually. Listen, I'll do the definitive director's cut on what you meant to say, okay?

Your score today, Eli, was exactly equivalent to the way that Edwin Starr in his famous song War described what war was good for. Absolutely nothing. It's not a very good score. Singer! P-twing, p-twing, p-twing, p-twing, p-twing! They're my points that I'm awarding myself. No, you've got no points. Absolutely nothing It's not a very good game Singer Between Between Between Between Between

They're my points I'm awarding myself No you got no points I award myself a point Between Between Between You played valiantly

But today Eli Very poorly You did very poorly You got nothing But you know what It can't be The mug was the most expensive item Yeah

Two quid Yeah And then what was How much was this One pound fifty for the cost That's three fifty And then what A pound for that That's four fifty for the Costa. That's £3.50. And then what? £1 for that.

That's £4.50? Yeah. I'm trying to get up to five, you cheat. I said no more than a fiver, didn't I? Didn't I say about a fiver? Fair enough. And I said afterwards I wanted to keep it vague so it couldn't be whatever. So I think you can say two things.

One, I did this correctly without fucking about and cheating and messing you around. I did it as the rules should be. It was a pure version of the game and you were defeated. And I think we should just leave it there. It doesn't matter. But to play us out, it's Adolescent Sasquatch

with his new song. Oh, come on. Let's just find out. Where is he? Oh, hello. This What? Let's just find out. Where is he? Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Yes. This is my new song.

It's an ode. An ode. Well, I'm just sorry to interrupt you before you start your song. Yeah. Addo. No, don't make me sound like Adolf. Adol. No.

Adol. I'm Adolescent. Well, how do you want me to, you know, Mr. Snowman? Is that how you make it up? You can call me the snowman. Yeah, but you ain't no man. That's what Yeti says. Teen Yeti.

Anyway. Teen Yeti has a bad attitude and I'm going to spread love and good message. He's a corporate sellout. Well, listen. He puts his name to any old shit. Teen Yeti has been on, he's done a bit of his new tune and he was dissing you hard, mate. So, is this a ballad? Do you want to do your ballad or do you want to do a response record? I mean, it's done a bit of his new tune, and he was dissing you hard, mate. So is this a ballad? Do you want to do your ballad,

or do you want to do a response record? I mean, it's up to you. Here we go. Drop a beat. Kee. Ooh, ooh. Kee. Kee.

Ooh, ooh. Kee. Oh, I'm a lesson slow man. This is my rap. I think Yeti's a load of crap. Oh, he goes around. He calls himself Teen Yet, but he's just an arrogant get.

And he's going to go to hell one day. God, he will answer for, I say. Okay, thank you. And then, when Satan casts him down, he'll look upon my holy crown, for I am God. Okay, thank you, Mr Snowman. I am God. I got it.

We got it, Mr Snowman. I am God. We got it. Scurry off. Come on. This is who I am gone I got it we got it Mr Snowman I am gone we got it scurry off come on this is who I am now you live in the bins the Mount Gotpants bins so scurry off there yes thank you

it was good to see you it was alright actually I like the little rivalry I like the whole it's like a way to splurge yeah goodbye it's time to say goodbye

It's been a lovely time But unfortunately we must depart It's been lovely being with you today We hope you've enjoyed Oh hang on What's that Paul? Oh it looks like there's a dog running around How did he get out?

Is it Ruffles? Is it Ruffles? Is it Ruffles the sexiest dog? I hate this podcast. Bitch. Right, great. We'll move it on. Fucking bitch. Meow, don't be. Yeah, that works. That kills the character.

Febreze kills Eli's characters. I like this. Oh, he's gone off. Febreze kills Eli. I hope he finds his home again, Paul. He's just running around in the house of people. Oh, he's fine. So what?

W-W-W dot... Shut up! Don't interrupt what I was going to do I hope he finds his home again, Paul. He's just running around in the house of people. Oh, he's fine. So what? www. Shut up. Don't interrupt what I was going to do and then make it my fault we haven't reached into the characters. You know what I'm saying. www.thecheapshow.com. If you'd like to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode, you can go to. Including the plain instant noodle.

It's a breakthrough, Paul. It's a zero packer. We've reached year zero. We've reached year zero. We've reached base zero noodle zero hour. We've reached the zenith of noodle perfection, of clear noodle. It's like a plain noodle. It has no sauce packet. It has no sachet.

Who needs a sachet? I will eat this noodle in the nude. This sounds more like noodle eugenics to me What? Noodle eugenics Go on, expand Not really It's like you found the kind of

The Aryan noodle The Aryan noodle Maybe I have Maybe I'll eat it What are you doing? Let me just finish the podcast, please. All right, www.cheapshot.com. Shut up. Our website is thecheapshot.co.uk,

and you can find dedicated pages. See all pictures. Let me finish a sentence. All pictures, all the pictures of everything. What have we got pictures of, Paul? All the sauces from today's episode, and the price of shite items

all all of that stuff I'm just going to turn your mic down no don't because I need to get this information out just get it out

it's the most boring part of any podcast when they read out all the stuff alright so let me just do it alright well fucking do it then

if you want to email us anything thecheapshowatgmail.com we have a Patreon account if you'd like to help support us you can from a dollar to thirty there's loads of things to explore and get involved with so do that If you want to email us anything, thecheapshow at gmail.com. We have a Patreon account if you'd like to help support us. You can from $1 to $30.

There's loads of things to explore and get involved with. So do that. It's patreon.com forward slash cheapshow. That'd be lovely. Twitter. What about a PO box? Have you got a PO box yet? We're sorting that out in September when Biffo gets back from holiday.

So yeah, it's happening. All right. It's happening. Good. It's happening. It's happening. Good. We have a Twitch account, cheapshow, et cetera now.

We do that randomly so keep an eye out on Twitter and if you want to find out on Twitter when we're doing Twitch it is at the Cheap Show pod I'm at Paul Gannon Show Eli is Eli Snoid

and that's E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and then I think that's it Tumblr Facebook Instagram we're on there just look for Cheap Show pod or Cheap Show

it's probably how you'll find us you know what, Paul? I've just had one of these okra fingers, okra lady fingers. Yeah. With a mochi rice nugget together. Yeah.

It's like there's a party in my mouth. And no one's invited. Apart from me and my whole masturbatory clan. What does that even mean? Well, you have a clan.

A bunch of people who meet up to masturbate you. Yes. And these are all your imaginary characters in your head. They all come round for the Joshingtons. Right, well. Let's have a Josh-off party in Eli's mouth hole. Fuck off, please stop.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's been Chief Show. Goodbye. Bye. Stop eating like a pig.