CheapShow - Ep 144: Poo Poo Out Of Bum Hole (Sorry)

Episode Date: September 13, 2019

We had no choice. We had to call the episode this. Blame Eli. It will all make sense. Outside of that embarrassment, it's business as ever. Well, that and it's Paul's birthday! Which Eli has already managed to ruin. This week, we dive into another care package from the USA which is packed with delightful candy and unusual truck stop snacks. The only worry is if Paul ODs on sugar. There is also a return to "Paul's Page Turners" that gives Gannon the chance to talk about a few charity shop bought books. Want to know what Paul and Eli think of Richard Osman's "World Cup of Everything"? Desperate to get a super quick whistle stop tour of the Satanic Panic of the 1970/80s? Dive right in, buddy! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-144-poo-poo-out-of-bum-hole-sorr If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Come on! Have you started recording? Are you doing your voice? You're going to come and do a show with a good boy who's going to sit at the bottom of my grot pants. Come on. Don't. Don't.

Come on now, naughty boy. Sit down. Time's a-wasting. Stop showing off with your inhaler. Come on. Doing your inhaler tricks. Seen them all before. You ready?

Shut up. Fix your microphone so you're not... No, you shut up. How dare you. I'm going to motivate you. Don't motivate me by using your mum, I'm your mum voice. I'll use my my mum voice

if it works. It doesn't work. It does. Fuck you. I've got you sitting down. I'm going to sit down, aren't I, eventually. Paul, just try and fucking be natural for once. Yeah, that's more like it.

I'm liking this more. What, the tired, broken Paul? Yeah. Come on, it's better than fake mum, Paul. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. Oh, is it Cheap Show again, is it? Yes. Well, you've ruined that opening.

You've ruined it. It's the A Comedy Comedy Podcast. No, it's not. This, you've ruined that opening. You've ruined it. It's the A Comedy Comedy Podcast. No, it's not. This is not. It's not. It's not. Can I just say, Paul? Can I say something?

You're not speaking to the mic. How dare you? Poo-poo. Yeah. Out of thumb hole. Right, okay, good. Before we started recording, that was the only thing Eli would want to say. Right, so what have we got coming up on the...

Oh, sorry. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears. We go for the bargain bins, charity shops and thrift stores of the wider world and deliver trellis... Oh, fuck off. Welcome to Cheap Show. Treasure.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse people love noodles all right it's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset noodle time How's the big guy? The price of the site? This is called gunannon saying hello. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show. You're not going on nuzzle.

Hello, yes, welcome to Cheap Show. This is the Economy Comedy Podcast. I'm Paul Gannon. Yeah. And you are? I am Eli Silverman. Hello there. Hello there. So yes, every week we try and find the cheap and cheerful and bring it to you and use it as content for this show.

And sometimes it spins us off into magical directions. And sometimes we just spank our mate's content bum. What does that mean? You spank my bear content monkey's bum bum. And then poo poo comes out bum hole. Content poo poo. No, Mike, no. You have to stop saying poo poo out of

bum hole. Can I say it? I will say it one more time. You've got to use it well. Later. You've got to use it well. I'm going to say it later. Are you ready to do it later? Are you prepared prepared i'm ready right so on this week's show um you got a care package last week i've got a care package this week sent from good friend of the show allison so we'll be going through that is there food yes

there's food lots of lovely food is there do do do do there might be i don't know you haven't had a look i have no sauce i was trying to lure you in with promise to keep you interested there's no source you've already said I'll I'll give it this day anyway

so we've got that and then we're going to a section we've not done in a while because it's usually not our best section it's Paul's page turners. I've found a couple of books that I'd like us to have a perusal of. Can I have a little read?

Can I read? Yeah, you can have a little read of a book, mate. I've got two books I want to touch on today, and then that's it. We're out of here. When this episode comes out. You want to touch on? Yeah, the topics. We get on the book and then touch?

No. Touch on. What do you want to touch? I don't want to touch you. Why don't you want to touch me? Because I'd rather wank. I'd rather wank myself off. I didn't know that was the option.

I didn't know they were the only option. Of course it's the option. So what, you'd rather wank yourself off than let me shake my hand? Basically, yeah. You'd rather have a wank than pat me on the back after, I don't know, a tough moment in my life? No, no one said it was... You'd rather have a wank than give yourself a break. If you had a tough moment in your life, I'd like to think I would be

a better friend than someone who'd just condescendingly pat you on the back. God. Everyone, if you think about it, Paul, everyone in a way is off for a wank whenever they leave anyone's company, because they probably will have a wank before they see that person again. Sounds like a great jingle for a holiday in the 80s.

Let's go for a wang at Bognor Regis. Let's go for a wang in Bognor Regis. Bognor Regis. Butlins, where you can knock one out and jazz all over your fucking chalet. Hello, I like to jazz up the wall when I go to Butlins. I love it.

Oh, a whole family comes and then I send them out to the Nobly News contest. I fucking jazz it up. Oh, jizzy jizz jizz. Our trained professional staff will clear up your mucky leavings after you've ruined a chalet with your bollock jelly. Oh, I've really ruined

it. There's scrapings. But don't worry, there's also entertainment in the evening. Grumble Weeds, Black Lace. And me, I'm a singer. Jizz up the shower, jizz up the shower, who's coming out and will I have a drink?

Who's coming out and will I have a drink? Wow. It's almost like that was your thought process you have when you have a shower. What? I'm jizzing the shower, who's coming out and who'll buy me a drink? Okay, good. That sounds like a good show, Paul.

I wanted to start, though, very briefly with something I've just played to you outside. It was the vinyl that I found in a charity shop in Muswell Hill. Where did I put it? It's slotted there. So, yeah, I was looking through a charity shop, box full of vinyl. By and large, it's your usual bunch of Barbra Streisand, Barry Manilow. Well, you never see Barbra Streisand singles, do you? No.

You see a lot of Gary Glitter singers these days. Singers? Singles. Singles. You see a lot of Gary Glitter singles. You certainly do. Yeah. No one wants to touch those with a barge pole.

No. And who wants to go buy them from a charity shop? Who'd want to smash down a big stack of Gary Glitters and say, I'm supporting his work. Well, you know. I separate his private life from his work. Therefore, I'm buying these Gary Glitters songs, but the money's going to your charity, mate. What a conundrum.

It's not really. What a moral conundrum. It's fine. If people want them, you know. Yeah. So anyway, I bought this. It's on the Atlantic label, and it simply said, when I saw it,

a Captain Kremen special by Kenny Everett. And I thought it was that thing you were on about, you know, he released a song before he released Snot Rap. Yeah, I've got that. Retribution, it's called something like that. I can't remember, but whatever that Captain Cremon song you said he released, I thought it was that, but it wasn't. This turns out to be a three-minute

story adventure with him doing his Captain Cremon character that he did on his Capital Radio show. And Captain Kremon's like a sort of comic book serial character, sort of Dan Dare. Yeah. Sort of sci-fi adventure hero, basically. Yeah, a bit Superman. It's got a bit of Danger Mouse too when you listen to it.

Yeah. So anyway, I'll play a little clip of it now and you'll see what it was. Here's a little clip. Hi, kids. Just taking a break from saving the universe from the latest dripping monsters to wish you all a happy Easter and to thank you for buying this record.

Your Euro credit token may help London's kids to become rich, successful space heroes like me. Mind you, it isn't easy to be successful in the face of some of the hideous monsters I wrestle with. Remember in the first series when I came up against the thing that went... This is Robin Houston. The thing that goes... has now reached London. It's on the Westway, which is groaning under the weight. Women and children are being evacuated. The streets are crawling with panic-stricken people.

The thing is vomiting over Marylebone High Street. We threw all the awful things we could at it. Cronac agony spray, zilch torpedoes, Nicholas Parsons. I was busy consorting

with world leaders on ways to deal with this problem. Meanwhile, the thing that goes had marched on Westminster and set itself up as the government. So that's on one side. Then what's on the other side?

Hang on. It says, All the proceeds from this record have been given to the Help a London Child appeal. The same one that Pat Sharp and Mick did. Pat and Mick did. And they must have been on Capital. They were on Capital Radio as well, weren't they? So Capital did have a long history of doing charity stuff like this.

I think they still do, but they're very different. Remember, we recorded in their studio. Yeah, we did a long time ago. In Leicester Square. It was some kind of pre-Edinburgh radio show we did to help promote our live show. Yeah. It didn't work. It didn't work at all.

However, on the B-side of this, I thought was a better find. All it said on the B side, which initially was what confused me about this purchase, it just says, Capital Radio Presents. And I was like, well, what does that mean?

What does it mean? Well, when I played it, I was very delighted to find it means, well, it's a bit, as you say, it's ephemeral, but it's just all the DJs from Capital at the time

saying, hello, thank you for buying this. Yeah, I'm funny. Not as funny as you are. Not as funny. I'm going to try and be a bit funny. Yeah. Unless I'm not that kind of person and I make a point of pointing that out.

He did. Aspel. No. Well, some guy goes, Well, I'm here to draw a little bit of decorum to the proceedings. Blah, blah, blah. Fucking re-smog cunt. So it's got all the jingles from Capital Radio at the time.

It's got a few weird adverts for stuff. It's got all the presenters saying, Hello. Yeah. And then, yeah, it pops in and out and does sound effects. It's a real find, Paul. And then at the end, the Muppets turn up. A fucking Fozzie Bear and

Waldorf and Statler. Yeah, and you think, oh, they took it off the show. But no, they say, that's terrible. No, that's capital. Frank Oz, who did Fozzie and Waldorf for one of them. Yeah.

He did two of those. He definitely lived, they all lived in London, because of course. They were filming Muppet Show at the time. Elstree. Yeah. So they probably just popped in

and said, do you want to pop in and do this? Help the charity single? And they went, yeah, whatever. Fucking great. Or they came into the studio. That's great.

I want that. Would you sell it to me? Yeah, you can have this if you want. Oh, yeah. Let me just play a little bit of this little jingly bit on the side, because I really like this. Yeah.

Isn't it good to know? Capital Radio. Hi, kids. Hi, kids. Hi, dear. And welcome to the Capital Help a London Child quiz world, featuring a few jolly jingles, a hi from the guys, and a handful of our bouncier adverts.

But first, here's our morning star. Hello, this is Graham Dean, direct from The Breakfast Show. Well, almost direct. I tell a lie to go into the canteen first. Now, they've got me here to wish you a happy Easter. So, happy Easter. Spain is for sunshine Spain is for sea Spain is for sightseeing Spain is for sand. Spain is for sightseeing.

Spain is for sand. Siesta for me. Spain is for skiing. Let's get away. I'm letting the world go by. Have a holiday. Spain is for living. Underneath the summer sky.

That's an advert we always enjoy having in our progs. Great Scott! Wow! Who's this ill-fitting creature? Hello, this is Roger Scott. Just dropped in to wish you a happy Easter and to thank you for buying this bit of rubbish. Hang on to it.

In 50 years' time, it could be worth as much as a pound. Well, this is 194. How are you? Great. Vogue has the prices that are the very nicest. Vogue has a selection that everyone adores. Come to Vogue Interiors for furniture superior. Vogue cash and carry, furniture yours. Hello, this, I am proud to say, is Michael Aspel,

and I simply want to wish you happy Easter, good luck, good health, and above all, goodbye. So £1.50, it does say, there's that little clip on it where the guy goes, ah, and you hold in your hand something worth, well, that will probably be worth a pound in 50 years' time. 50 years, yeah. Well, what, is it 40 and it's £1.50? Well, he's almost there, he's almost there, he's almost there. Paul, I wonder if it came with a picture cover originally.

Do you think it did or maybe not? I don't know. My gut feeling is no. But who knows? I didn't check it up on Discogs or anything like that. Help a London Child. Very famous charity. Yeah, I don't know if that charity is still existing. But it was big.

Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. That was my little find. I thought I'd throw that in here. That's great. Since we talked about Pat and Mick and Mike Reid last week. That's great and it's

it shows a bit of Everett's genius for the old cut up yeah he does at one point do a bit of a cut up where he drops in Beatles help

he drops in help yeah and that is a style that goes back to that guy I can't remember his name that Chris something oh god

we've even talked about him on the show we have I'm sure we have Rent-A-Santa yeah where all he did was do cut ups who was the name of that radio presenter something. Oh God, we've even talked about him on the show in the past. I'm sure we have. Renter Santa. Yeah. Where all he did was do cut-ups. Who was the name of that radio presenter? Who would do a talk-in, but he was everyone.

And so he'd be the talk-host show presenter, but also be the people calling in and have arguments with themselves. Oh really? I don't know. I need to figure it out. I'll look into that. But yeah, no, he was kind of very well known in America at that time. He did lots of different voices. Yeah, because he fooled people for a while. I don't think people caught on. Oh, people didn't realise

it was all him. I don't think at first, no. I'll have to check that up and find out. If you know, and you're listening to this, leave it in the comments in SoundCloud

or wherever you can leave comments next to a podcast, like on our Reddit page, reddit.com forward slash r forward slash cheap show. There you go. Oh, that's us sounding professional.

Well, let's crack on with the show so Eli can say poo-poo out of bumhole. I'm not going to say it now. I know I said it because I'm leaving, I'm setting it up

for the grand reveal of your last use. I don't know. I just build it up. You've built it up too much. But that's the great thing because when it actually happens and it will be

a massive disappointment, it will nurture me. It will be like a big cosy hug from a cosy grandad. A cosy grandad? A cosy grandad. Come on. Come on. What's wrong with cosy grandad. A cosy grandad? A cosy grandad. Come on.

Come on. What's wrong with a cosy grandad? Well, there's one grandad on this show. No, well, anyway. And there ain't no room for two grandads. There ain't no room for two grandads in Cheap Show. Anyway, shall we crack on with the show, Mr. Silverman? Storytime grandad.

Yeah, no, we all got it. He might make an appearance. I fucking hope not. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for what we're now calling... Are we recording now? Are we? Yeah. You're lucky I didn't say anything. What, like? Your anti-Semitic opinions? I got us a one-star review on iTunes.

Vile. Vile anti-Sem... I can't... I know we're not the most tasteful podcast of all, but I'm pretty sure we've never done anything certainly intentionally outwardly anti-Semitic. I think the wording of that actual review was probably anti-Semitic.

I couldn't be bothered to listen, but I'm sure some anti-Semitism came up later on. Thank you. I hope you're listening. Anyway, let's enjoy this segment. So, you know, last week you had a care package from your sister. I certainly did. And your sister-in-law.

I don't know why that was so hard to say the word sister. Anyway. Points out the point of it. Almost the exact same week, I got a care package from a friend of mine who lives in America her name is Alison

dear friend of the show and she's on the road she tours with musicals and things like that she's an absolutely amazing actress and comedian and singer

and auto heart player an auto heart player yeah so I'm a big fan of Alison and every now and then she sends me stuff like she sent Fun City which one was that

the board game we played where you had to me stuff. She sent Fun City. Which one was that? The board game we played where you had to... Oh, that was great. Yeah, Fun City. She sent that. With the artwork. Yeah, we enjoyed that. Did we ever cover

the Pac-Man records? Yes. We did. No. No. We have to. We mentioned it on Digitizer because I used them on Digitizer

because I thought they were a bit more appropriate. Are we going to do them on Cheap Show? Why not, actually? Pac-Man records? It would be good to go into a bit more detail about them because they are

mental yeah the opening title theme for pac-man is what sounds like someone pushing a casio keyboard down a flight of stairs okay so a lot for it yeah and then it all gets a bit care bears albumy that makes sense you know anyway she sent me a letter to go along with this care package so we'll read and discover as the package goes. Okay. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here we go. Hi, Paul. Hi, Eli.

Hi. Hi. So here's a collection of cheap eats I've been curating over my two years tour across America. Ooh. Some tasty... Hear that, Paul? That's you doing the numny num rums.

What? That's the numny nub rubs. They're not the nubdy nub rubs. They are the numny nub rubs. They are not. I wasdy nub rubs. They are the nubdy nub rubs. They are not. I was rubbing my hands together in anticipation. All right, well, then it's the anticipation nation. You are losing it this week.

Hang on, that's just Rich coming from fucking poo-poo out of bumhole. Is that a sentence? Does that make sense? Do you know what it means? Sadly, I don't know exactly what it means. Is it all words, English words? Yes. Yeah.

All right, so, anyway. It's rational. Some taste it. It rational some rational poo-poo out of bum hole oh you said it i know you can't say it again are you fucked it you dirty dirty dirty little boy i'm gonna think of something else to say good will you work on that anyway she gets she says some tasty some interesting but all cheap so here go. And she's done a list so we can go through it later. So. Get the first one out. I'm going to see if I can find it. Oh, baby.

A couple of spoilers there, but don't look too hard. Right, I'll let you have a look at this one. You open it up and I read it. What does it say? Let me just get the light in here. Oh, yeah. We need a bit more light in here. It's a little bit dark in the House of Pickles.

It's twilight in the House of Pickles. Twilight in the House of Pickles. It's twilight in the House of Pickles. Twilight in the House of Pickles. What have you got? I've got some Big League Chew bubble gum. Oh, baby. So it says here, Big League Chew from Spokane, Washington. This is a blast from my childhood past. They used to sell these in assorted flavours at a concession stand at the Little League ballpark.

Imagine a chewing gun shaped and packaged like chewing tobacco. And that's the thing, isn't it? Oh, that's what it is. It's like chewing tobacco. And it comes in a pouch. And it's powder. I don't know. Let's open it up and find out. This is wild pitch watermelon flavour. Oh, that's exciting. I can smell the artificial

watermen. Watermen? You can smell the artificial watermen. Watermelon flavour coming out. I'm opening this up. The huff is going to be magic on this. Absolute magic. Oh, baby. He's having a happy moment, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, let's have a huff. All right, let's have a huff. Stop huffing all the huff. Mate, a man, a good friend. Please. Is this your new thing to replace poop out of bum on? Because it's not working. Eli, a good friend doesn't hog the huff.

All right, sorry. There you go. Oh, it's in little strips. Yeah. Oh, baby. Here he goes. Oh, it's in little strips. Yeah. Oh, baby. Here he goes. Oh, baby doll. Let's listen to that half.

I'll let you have a pinch. So it's like it's all shredded chewing gum. It's shredded little shreds. A little all brand of green. These are all green. Watermelony green. I'm not going to have as many because it's gum, remember, but I'm going to have a taste.

That is artificial watermelon to the max. Yeah, it is. And it's not too strong, which is all right. Mmm. Très magnifique. You like it now, do you? It tastes all right with this one. I think because the bubblegum flavour comes through quicker.

Is there a bubblegum flavour as well? Yeah. You can't taste it. Hmm. That kind of vanilla-y bubblegum flavour comes through. I think it's just toughened up. You're going to spit it out. Yeah, because I've got other things to eat

and we can't chew on a podcast because it's disgusting to listen to. We'll stick it under there. Alright. Great. You're fucking weird. What's all that about? What are you doing? We'll stick it there. Right, so check the bag. What else is in there now? And take it out of your mouth. Stop chewing.

It's grotesque. I want to blow a bubble. That's why. Well then blow it. Go on. Can he blow a bubble. That's what I... Well, then blow it. Go on. Can he blow a bubble, ladies and gentlemen? I'm here to see. He's wrapping it around his tongue. He holds his hand up. Two seconds, he says.

He's going for it. A small bubble, but a bubble nonetheless. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to give that two out of five stars. So what else is in the bag, Mr. Silverman? Let's see. Let's see, shall we? Let's see what else is in the bag, Mr. Gannon. Yes.

Here we have some... it's hard to tell what these are are they broken in half oh that explains it then well they look like I've seen inside they look like what we'd call love hearts

oh you remember what they called love hearts yeah the little sherbet-y kind of hearts I love you I fancy you

you are a big boy I've got a love egg you come on what are some other things I used to say on there? I heart you. I heart you.

Friend forever. It's all text speak now as well. I shave my nut. Yeah. I have a nut mouth. I have a ball wart. A ball wart heart. I squeeze my bum bum.

I saw one, Paul. Funny. Funny this this Yeah And it's not me saying this Because it was on a love heart once It said poo poo out of bum No it fucking didn't What a waste ladies and gentlemen

What is it called? The next ones we're going to try here Are bottle caps Okay she bought these in Spokane again Rather odd candy Not unlike sweet tarts Minus the zing Also a vintage candy Remember from my childhood Wow So yeah it must be like Cain again. Rather odd candy, not unlike sweet tarts, minus the zing.

Also a vintage candy I remember from my childhood. Wow. So, yeah, it must be like the American can of Loveheart, but without the soppy message. No, they just have bottle caps. These are all different. They're very, they're that chalky consistency. I'll give you half the pack there. And when we say chalky, we don't mean the racist character Jim Davidson came up with in the 70s and 80s. No, actually like chalk.

Now, these are little puck-shaped sweets. They're like bottle tops. Yeah, and they've puck-shaped sweets. They're like bottle tops. Yeah, and they've got a little serrated thing. Like bottle tops. That make it look like a bottle top. I wonder why they're called bottle tops, you fucking idiot. They look like bottle tops. Oh, there you go.

I've just realised. I'm going to have a crunch of this one right now. Oh, it's a cola flavour, that one. That's cherry. They're all different flavours, aren't they? Tell us on the side what they are. Grape, orange, cola, cherry, root beer. Oh!

Oh, my God! What colour's the root beer? Brown. Brown. Brown. I've only got pink and whitey at the moment. Have a look at your one. I'm finding a brown one.

Right. I'm going to have a go at this one. We've got a pink one. What's that going to be? Come on. I bet the root beers are the most popular. Mate, don't waste them all by getting them out. Throw them back in the bag if they're not the right ones.

I'll have them later. I'll have them. A bottle top need not go to waste. Those are quite nice, though, don't you think? These are lovely. I love these. They don't have that tang. She's right.

They don't have any of the sour fizz. Oh, this was a root beer one. It was. Let me have half of it then. I'll tell you what, you just have that half then. Yeah. Have you eaten it? Yeah.

What was it like? Was it root beer-y? Taste it. Oh, wow. It's got that medicinal, sarsaparilla-y taste. It did hit me at first, but then... Was it settled? Oh, mate. Paul's going to rub his tummy button, doodah.

That's not your tummy button. That's the downstairs button. It's the gut lever. Crank to wank. Imagine that. Imagine your penis actually sort of worked your bowel and you had to pump it out. When you had to be erect every time you pooed.

Came out like sausage meat. I like those a lot. Yeah, I like them a lot. Imagine those as a kid. They're great because they're all different flavours. Better than fucking Love Art. Because Love Art's were all one flavour, weren't they? Boring.

They were very boring. Boo. Right, next. Oh, those are very good. I've never heard of them, either. What else we got in there? I'm looking. Those are very boring. Boo! Right, next. Oh, those are very good. I've never heard of them either. What else have we got in there? I'm looking. Those are very good.

I'll give them four out of... I like to eat those. Is there anything else in the bag? No. No, those are all you've got in that bag. Let's grab that. There's something in here. I need to open it up.

It's all in here. Oh, goodies. Oh, is this it? Oh, here we go. Fake cigarettes. What do you think this is? No. Wow.

It is the bottom rice candy. She says, no clue. Bought it in Spokane. Just thought it looked cool. I don't know. I have no idea what it is. This is mad. It's a little box.

It's got a cat, like a Chinese style, and a lotus flower. And a little, it's got very peculiar packaging, this. Well, it looks like... There's a cat. There's a dog. Talking to the mic. There's a pussycat. There's two pussycats.

And then there's an elephant. And then there's a pink lotus bloom. It looks like something you'd buy in a Japanese convenience store. Yes. Very much like that. And we think it's rice candy. That's what it says. So I don't know more than that.

Let's open this up. It's a cigarette sort of packet, shaped packet. Yes. Isn't it? It has a cellophane wrapper, which Eli is now getting rid of with his bumbling chunky fat thumbs whale-like fingers. I'll make you pay. I'll make you pay.

If you want to imagine it, ladies and gentlemen, what his hand looks like, imagine five dolphins lying on a whale's back. Weirdo. Right. I've opened these. What is inside? They are little hard candies with twizzles at each end. Oh, and it's kind of see-through.

You know what would be good? If I had a glass version of one of these, that would be good, wouldn't it? Nope. It's the worst thing you've ever bought for this show, I think, generally speaking. All right. Now, they're a weird shape, and inside there's more wrapping inside, isn't there?

Yeah, there's fucking wrapping within wrapping. It's like Inception. But I think that's rice paper, that inside wrapping. Yes, it is. You meant to eat it? It's edible. That inside wrapping is edible. Are you sure?

Yeah. I just melted in my mouth, mate. So it's sort of like a hard candy covered in rice paper. And it's pink. Was yours pink as well? Yeah. Are there different flavours? No, pink.

It's like chewing gum. No. It's got a chewing gum texture, though. Orange. That's a citrus flavour I'm getting. No, it's not orange. It's an orange flavour I'm getting. I'm getting like a rosy kind of flowery.

I can see what you mean by orange, though. It tastes like... There is citrus in it. That's the flower. There's the flower on the packet. That must be the floral thing you're getting. Does it say anything

on the box? Wow. Also, there's a picture of a flower on the back as well if you look. Yeah. So yeah, it's a floral... Oh, there's a free

children's sticker inside. Oh my word! Oh! What is it? Don't snatch it out of my arm like a child. It's printed in Japan. It's a bull inside. Oh, my word. Oh. What is it? Don't snatch it out of my arm like a child. It's printed in Japan. It's a bulldog.

An American football-playing bulldog. It's an amazing... What an amazing candy this is. This is one of the best things I've ever seen in my life or tasted. No, it is. You're keeping that, are you? You can have the sticker. I need to take pictures, remember.

Can you put the sticker on my box? Yeah. Yeah. Here, I'm handing in the sticker. I've peeled it off. Where would you like it? Just next to the clasp there, yeah. There? Yeah. Yeah. Here, I'm handing in the sticker. I've peeled it off. Where would you like it? Just next to the clasp there, yeah. There?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go. Nice sticker there. Got to take a picture of that, remember. Right, next one. What would you give the taste of those? I don't know if I'd go back.

I actually like them. I like them, but I wouldn't, you know. You wouldn't mindlessly throw them into your mouth and chew. You wouldn't. Like, in a bowl, you'd eat one every now and then because you'd go, oh. Maybe. I don't know. I quite like that. A strange flavour. Strange. You wouldn't. But like, in a bowl, you'd eat one every now and then because you'd go, oh. Maybe, I don't know. I quite like that.

A strange flavour. Strange. Right, next. These are called Zots. I can see the Zots from here. There you go. Have a little look at them. There's three different flavours of Zots.

So she says here, Alison says, my favourite childhood candy. Wow. Paul, I thought you'd especially like this one because it is a boiled sweet. Note on eating. Let this one stay in your especially like this one because it is a boiled sweet. Note on eating. Let this one stay in your mouth for a while. It has a delayed effect.

Oh. So what flavours are there? Because they're like little packaged. Blue raspberry. Nice. That comes up a lot, doesn't it? It does come up a lot. It does come up a lot, though, doesn't it?

It does come up a lot. And that's blue. Yeah. And blue raspberry would be, wouldn't it? Is the next one cherry? Yes. There you go. I can always buy the nice deep red colour. What would you say? I'm going to say watermelon since we're talking Americans. No, apple.

Green ones are apple. I'm handing you an apple. What would you want to taste first? I'm going to go apple. I will go apple. And I'm going to try a blue raspberry one. Alright, let's just go. This is a great care package, Alison. I'm already balls deep in happiness. Oh, fuck off.

Much better than certain other... No, it's not. And also... People who send us packages. I was speaking to my sister today, and she wanted me to say to you, she wasn't pleased with your dismissive tone at the end of that segment. Don't cry a tear.

What am I doing? I'm pretending to cry. Do they have any huff? No. Not really. Here it goes. It's a hard-boiled sweet. Ooh. It's a nice flavour apple.

Ooh. I think there's a fizz in it. Are you going to do the crunchy? No, I'm going to do what the thing says and let it settle. Well, that's going to be good content, isn't it? This is great. This is... Listen to fucking Paul's mouth noise. This is ASMR for candy people who like people sucking candy.

Here we go. It's fizzy. Oh, this is delicious. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Ugh. Give it a bite.

Yeah, I'm going to give it a bite now. It's all coming out the side like it fizzes out. Oh, yeah. Mmm. It's full of sherbet. Mmm. Sherbet. It's like 2010.

Mmm. Oh, my God. It's full of sherbet. You, sherbet. It's like 2010. Mmm. Oh, my God. It's full of sherbet. You have any? The movie? Yeah. Oh, wow. It's got some fizz on that.

Mmm, nice fizz. Oh, it's fizzing up like a nut. Mmm. Wow. Oh. Woo. It's like there's a man made out of champagne. It's bleeding fizz out both ends. It's like there's a man It's bleeding fizz out both ends

It's like there's a man in my mouth Who's made of champagne and he's fucking Jazzing it off into my mouth and all that comes out Is just fizzy champagne Appley goodness There's a small man in your mouth masturbating Yeah and he's ejaculating champagne, apple champagne Apple champagne, constantly

Why do you have to pretend you're wanking When you do this I don't know why I'm doing it. I don't know why I was doing it. Very nice. That was very nice. Oh. They're full of sherbet. This is great.

That's a classic. You add the blue one. Raspberry, yeah. Let's give it the cherry then. I'll just get straight into a bite on that. So then, what did it taste like?

Blue raspberry? Yeah. It was a very good apple flavour. Have you ever had the apple that Jolly Ranchers do? That apple flavour? It's like that Jolly Ranchers do that apple flavour it's like that beautiful

I'm not saying this for Americans when they get their hard candy right they really get it right classic yeah this is a classic this is one of the best

sherbet filled boiled sweets I've ever tasted do you know what I mean I'm a childhood fave so they must have been banging around for years fucking great

imagine going into a shop and buying a big string of them because they're all you know attached they're all on strings yeah well you know attached well they're all, you know, attached. They're all on strings. Yeah. Well, you know, attached. Well, they're all attached, aren't they?

But they're not like those... Oh, yeah. He's rubbing his tits now. He's rubbing his big fat belly with a Goonies t-shirt on it. Was it nice? Yeah. Cherry, was it? That was her name.

That was her name? Shame on you What you've just eaten cherry Have you? You've just crunched down on a small woman No All my good experiences I give female names Like taking a shit

I had a great great great Catherine the other day Catherine Heard Catherine the Great Catherine the other day. Catherine Heard. Catherine the Great. Catherine the Great. Right. This one's a bit different. Oh, oh, oh. What is it?

Yeah, watch that. He's handed me an OMG Dolce Crema Deletre. Yeah, she got that. This is in Queens, New York. Found this in the checkout counter at Bravo Superstore chain. They have an assorted Central and southern American treat section. So that must be from their southern American aisle or something. This, from looking at it, looks like fudge.

Yeah. So it's Dolce Crema Delice milk cream. And I can't wait to pack this fudge in my mouth. I will say that for you. It's a milk cream. It's very dense. Feel that weight on that. It could kill a fucking mouse with that.

Yeah. Oh, you've broken it now it's crumbly I'm going to take a bit off and have a little nibble have a little nibble have a little nibble I'm going to have a little nibble too

oh oh that's sweet that's pure milky fudge that's how I got it I don't know why you that way you make me laugh I like the way you being in a room with a lady you make love and just probably leave the room you go that way I like the way you

being in a room with a lady you make love and just probably leave the room you go that's pure milky fudge that's pure milky fudge love that is very sweet though it's too sweet for me

don't we have something like this in like Britain it's like Cornish fudge or something like this yes it tastes like evaporate condensed milk condensed milk doesn't it yeah you ever tried to do that in a pan you know where you leave it in for like hours and hours In Britain, it's like Cornish fudge or something like this. Yes, yes. It tastes like evaporated... Condensed milk. Condensed milk, doesn't it?

Yeah. You ever tried to do that in a pan, you know, where you leave it in for like hours and hours and hours? Have you tried that? Yeah. What happened? First time, great. You leave it in the boiling pan for hours,

you've got to keep filling it up. It's really, you know... Because it's a dangerous thing. But once you open it... Why is it dangerous? Well, as we found out the second time, the first time we left it in a few hours, it condenses, you open up the tin finally,

and it all kind of oozes out, like kind of expands out of the tin. Yeah. However, time, we left it in a few hours, it condenses, you open up the tin finally and it all kind of oozes out, like kind of expands out of the tin. However, one time, we left it in. And what did you end up with? Something like that?

Some fudge or something? Yeah, like a very, very thick kind of wobbly cream. Oh yeah, like a creme brulee. No, no, no, no. More like a kind of,

like a jelly, like it's jelly. But anyway, if you don't keep the water filled up and you don't keep it submerged and you let the water, say for instance, dry out because you're too busy getting stoned in your bedroom at the time playing on your game boy yeah and then you hear a big bang and then you go downstairs

and half your kitchen wall is covered in condensed cream yeah carnation and then your mom comes in you go no it's at university it's in our kitchen it went right at the wall it looked like someone took a head shot it's just like this big spl. Then your flatmate comes in and you go, I've worked so hard it's gone up the wall. No, that's the last excuse I would give. And they go, are you medically okay, Paul?

You go, no, I've cum my guts up. That would be the worst excuse I could give. I'd rather just tell the truth. Oh, that's what you should have said.

You should have gone, oh, I've cum my guts up. Next. I've got a load of bummo. Poo poo comes right out. Shut up! What's in this next bag?

Veggie straws. It says ranch flavour. What? Ranch flavour? Found at a bodega called Fanny's Open 24 Hours. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Thought you'd all enjoy it. Of course we would.

Have you ever been to Fanny's Open 24 Hours? It was closed when I went. Yeah. Ain't that the twoof? Now, I'm excited by these. Zesty ranch-flavoured veggie straws. You know what they need in this country? What?

More ranch. Do you think? Yeah, it's a great flavour that has been denied to us just because of cultural differences. Do you know what I mean, Paul? I mean, yeah, by all means. Now, do you know where they used to have ranch? What? Subway.

Oh, they don't anymore. They've taken the ranch out of Subway. Maybe we're just not a ranch country. We're not, obviously, because it was kind of unpopular. Do you know what they have instead? Don't know. Caesar. Oh, yeah, that would have made sense. It's not the obviously, because it was kind of unpopular. Do you know what they have instead? I don't know. Caesar. Oh, yeah,

that would have made sense. It's not the same, though. There you go. Now, I bet the huff on this ranch vegetable straw is a bloody great. I'm going to get right in there. Find out.

It's not that good. Right, okay. Well, there you go. Can't have everything. Give it a little bag shake. Now, have you tried these veggie straws? No, I've not tried

anything of these. They're very much crispies. Oh, like chipsticks. They look like chipsticks but they're hollow. What a strange shape. They're square and hollow. Oh, they're tasty, aren't they?

I love that ranch flavour. These are really tasty. Yeah, lovely. Quite light, aren't they? They're almost like veggie straws by sensible portions. It is quite a small packet,

isn't it? Oh, but there's enough in there. By American standards, yeah. It's like a small packet, isn't it? Especially for the Americans. Oh, but there's enough in there. By American standards, yeah. It's like a normal British sort of crisp packet size, isn't it? Which you don't get

that a lot out there. They're nice. What a lovely snack that is. Delicious. And it's 30% less fat than usual crisps. No, those are really nice. Alright.

Ranch just transformed everything. Oh, this is great. This is the best one we've ever done. What else is in that bag? Oh, there's something very interesting as well, Paul. Let's this is great. This is the best one we've ever done. What else is in that bag? Oh, there's something very interesting as well, Paul. Let's have a look.

Raylicious, better than delicious. What's that mean? Plantain chips, lemon flavour. Oh, also found in fannies. That's what she says. Yes. Not like a common complaint. That's all for the piss pack...

Piss flap. Not piss package. Open the piss flap. That's all for this package. I hope you flap. Not piss package. Open the piss flap. That's all for this package. I hope you find it. There's another little treat in here, though, so we'll come to that in a second. What about those? That's what I'm saying.

All right. Now, what are your thoughts on plantain crisps? I like them. I do like them. I've had them before. They're a good snack to have instead of, you know. Potato chips. Yeah, potato chips or Doritos.

Do you know what I had as well? Some yucca chips. Yucca chips? Oh yeah, I've had them. They're lovely. They're almost harder, a bit harder than potato. Bit of a snap to it. More of a snap, but still very Moorish. Do you know what I mean? What are they flavoured? Lemon?

Lemon flavoured plantain chips. Let's have a little go at these. Be careful. What? They're tart. They're very tart. Right, I'll just have one then. Very tart.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. How tart are they? Very tart. Those are extremely lemony. Green plantains, vegetable oil, lemon flavour. Wow.

Nice. Nice what? Too lemony, yeah. Mmm. Very tart. Right. Paul, those were very tart. Right. Paul? Those were very tart.

How tart? Very tart. A bon-a-bon. It's a bonus. I don't know if I can get it in my gob. What's this? It's a big bon-a-bon. I don't know what a bon-a-bon is, but it's another one. It's probably chocolate, isn't it? But what kind of chocolate? I can't get in this bastard. It's pretend. It's one of these pretend twizzles. Do you know what I in this bastard. It's pretend. It's one of these pretend

twizzles. Do you know what I mean? No, it's not. It's a little nuglet. Brown nuglet. Do you see what I mean? It's like a boiled sweet wrapped up. It is like a boiled sweet wrapped, but it's a chocolate knoblet. That's what they've started doing with like Heroes and stuff, you know? They pretend to you that it's not in a packet, but it's actually in a packet.

What do you think of that? It tastes like it's got meat in it. It doesn't. It just tastes like it's got in a packet. What do you think of that? It tastes like it's got meat in it. It doesn't. It just tastes like it's got meat in it. At first I was like, oh, it's a rocher. And then it was like, oh. You don't like it. It's not. It's got a weird flavour to it.

I'm not a fan. You know what I mean? Does the chocolate taste like meaty? It's a prowling. It's like a nut. Yeah, but it tastes a bit like mincemeat. No, no. I don't know.

No, Paul didn't like that. It's a vanilla and nut sort of thing. Not too bad. But don't worry, we're on to our final selection from Alison's superlative care package. Probably the best care package we've ever been given on this podcast. Why do you have to be so mean? Just saying, it's probably the best care package we've ever had. No, it's not.

Might be. It's good. I don't want to have a go. Look, I don't want to start a division. You just want to start a division, don't you? You want to start confrontation. Well, I'll tell you something, Paul. I also want to wrestle control this podcast back from you and your fucking minions.

My minions? Yeah. Your family interaction. It's creepy. What do you mean creepy? My family stays well away from this podcast and that's how I like it. Well, you know what, Paul? What?

There's one thing your family should do and it should be their duty to do it. Is it to put vegetables in ovens? Yes, it is. Yeah, right, yeah. Yes. And send me the pigs in a brown paper envelope.

Watch this. Why does that turn you on? Don't turn this into a wanky thing. It's a wanky thing. It's not. It's a big, long, thin packet. Bigs. They're called bigs.

Yeah, bigs. Now, I don't know about you, Paul, but in my neck of the woods, wanky is a bigy thing. It's a wanky thing. It's not. It's a big, long, thin packet. They're called bigs. Yeah, bigs. Now, I don't know about you, Paul, but in my neck of the woods, wanky is a bigs thing. It's not in your neck of the woods. Big wankies. No. Big nappy wankies.

This is all literally going nowhere. So just... What do you mean going nowhere? You're just saying... But why did you say this four years ago when we started the podcast? I wanted to see where it might go.

It didn't go anywhere. Nowhere. It went nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. Big wanky poo-poo out of bumhole. Oh, to see where it might go. It didn't go anywhere. Nowhere. It went nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. Big wanky poo-poo out of bum hole. Oh my God. Right, great.

This is Big's bacon salt sizzling bacon sunflower seeds. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. I love a good sunflower seed.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Please stop doing that. Oh yeah. No, he's walking. Don't spray that at me. You carry on like this and I'll spray you with Febreze Put the Febreze down

Warning shot Put the fucking Oh you've ruined it You're going to ruin my flavour tasters Your room is a shit show And you should be ashamed It's not a room It's a whole den

It's a whole realm It's a nest It's an underdrelm It's the underdrelm of pickles Come on What it's the underdrelm of pickles. Come on. What? It's the best care package ever, Paul.

Let's take our time about this. Shut up. Are you rushing this segment as well? Just come on. We've got to do Twitch in a bit. Come on what? On everything. Yeah, I do.

Are you all right? Stop saying... Look, should we leave the podcast for a second and have a little chat? Let's just step outside the podcast. What's the matter? Nothing's the matter. I'm aware of time, so just because we've got to do the Twitch thing, I've still got to set that up. So, you know, just less shitty bum bum wanky wanks. I'm the one who says all that stuff.

I know, and I end up cutting it out. So, let's just cut out the middle one, which is you. Right, I don't have to do the podcast anymore. No, let's go back in and I can do the podcast on my own. I'm lonely without Eli. I'm back! What's the half like on this Biggs wanked packet? Biggs. Long tube

of sunflower seeds. It's a long tube of sunflower seeds and it's sizzling bacon flavour and it's bacon salt sponsored. What does that mean? It seems to be another brand, Bacon Salt, and that's that stuff, flavour and it's bacon salt sponsored. What does that mean? It seems to be another brand, bacon salt. And that's that stuff the crumbly bacon bits

you get. That you add to salads or whatever. Yeah, I like those. Weird. Not a very strong bacon huff coming on this. Fine though.

I'd be a bit upset if it was. How do you eat these? You have to break them over and... No, you just munch them, don't you? No, I think...

Don't you? I thought you just munch them. No. You have to get the... That's wood. They're covered in wood. Have No. You have to get the... That's wood. They're covered in wood. Have you?

You have to get the nugget out. You always want to get your nugget out, don't you? That's how you do it. You split them, and then you get the little baby muscles. Yeah, I shouldn't have eaten this. Yeah. I've got splinters in my tongue. He's putting the spitty cloth...

He's wiping the spitty cloth on his tongue, ladies and gentlemen. Ah! Oh, God. You didn't... You had no idea how to eat sunflower seeds tongue, ladies and gentlemen. Ah! Oh, God. You didn't... You had no idea how to eat sunflower seeds, did you? No, I didn't, apparently. No. You just break them open. What a stupid food stuff. I know. It's terrible, isn't it? And you get on the bus.

I get on the bus sometimes, and there's a whole mound of these by a seat, you know what I mean? Well, look. You're going to enjoy these ones, then. What's that? Oh, my word. These are dill pickle sunflower seeds. Dill pickle from the same company, Biggs. You know what's so nice about these? You can suck them and suck all the flavour off.

Yeah. Alison says long live cheap show, so God bless her. God. Do you want to try some of the dill pickle ones then? I can't be arsed eating these. There's too much labour involved. There's quite a lot of labour, but that's nice. At least with pistachio, you get a proper little nugget inside.

You get very little nugget for the work with these sunflower seeds, do you? I don't like it. It's too much work. Look at the size of that nugget. It's a tiny nugget, isn't it? What about the sunflower seed? But the flavour really resides on the shell more than in the actual seed. So that's what they're for.

You sort of suck on the seed and then break it open. Well, I think they're quite nice. All right, well, there you go. Do you want to try the pickle one before we say goodbye to the ladies and gentlemen for this segment? I'm going to eat another one of these veggie fingers. Now, Paul, I've seen American sort of, what do they call it? I don't know. Petrol station food.

Gas station food, yeah. Yeah, it's always in these long, thin packets, isn't it? They have nuts in these. They're like grab bags, aren't they? Yeah. Now, this is also Biggs. They're obviously the manufacturer of the sunflower seeds. these are dill pickle flavor sunflower seeds but look they've got a famous pickle brand vlasic who make all pickles and that's that and these are sponsored by vlasic those are

sponsored like bacon salt so they've got these crossover flavor things that go on in america so much didn't taste all that much of bacon, though, did it? No, not that strongly. No. And Vlasic themselves have crossover with Louisiana hot sauce. There's like hot sauce flavour ones. Finger my trembling erogenous zone. I think why you get this these days a lot is because a lot of these foods are owned by huge brands like Frito-Lays.

So they just think of it as like cross promotion. Yeah, they can cross over. It's like when Cadbury's got bought by what was it Kraft and so they started putting Oreos and everything yeah

but mate have you had that Cadbury's bar which has all the little chewy it's all like crazy paving yeah

it has all different little bits of sweet jelly beans in it or popping candy do you like that sometimes I like that I like that

I think they didn't like chocolate though I like that because it's got gummy bits in it all different gummy bits in it all different gummy bits all it. All different gummy bits

all through it. Well give us your opinion on these. Mmm. There's a nice dill huff. Yeah? No there is. Good. Oh these are going to be great. I'm going to have a sniff but I'm not really interested. I'm just, not even at the flavour I just can't be arsed working it. Just suck one. Oh yeah. Just suck one of these seeds off. I'll suck a seed off.

I've got that dill flavour that I know and love. Yeah. Not too strong. Quite nice. And again. I think you have to suck the seed off. We've got that dill flavour that I know and love. Yeah. Not too strong. Quite nice. And again... I think you have to suck the seed and then bite it. That's what you're meant to do, yeah. Bit pointless, isn't it? Because the thing it flavours isn't the thing you eat.

Yeah. The flavour doesn't penetrate the seed into the nurgle. Into the nurgle. Into the inner nurgle. Well, there you go. Would you like these? Yes. Good.

Because I'm taking everything home apart from... I don't know. Do you want the little plantains? No. Would you like these? Yes. Good, because I'm taking everything home apart from, I don't know, do you want the plantains? No. Do you want a few of those zots? I would like some of these bottle tops, please. You can have some of the bottle tops. I think these are sort of like just for, you know, it's like a mouth amusement more than food, isn't it? It's sort of like... Do you know what I mean, though?

I give people mouth amusement. It's sort of like you're in a truck or something, and you just think, oh, I don't want to eat a load of stuff that's going to make me fat. I just sort of suck on these, get a bit of flavour. It's destruction food like you're in a truck or something and you just think I don't want to eat a load of stuff that's going to make me fat. I just sort of suck on these get a bit of flavour. It's a distraction food

isn't it almost? Yeah but it's quite I think they're quite good. Fair enough. Alright what was your favourite thing from the whole thing? I'm going to have to say

bottle tops. Same here. Although I did like the zots a lot too. I like the zots were good but I don't know if I'd go back. For me it comes down

to either the bottle tops or the ranch flavours. I love ranch flavours mate. They were nice. You can, it comes down to either the bottle tops or the ranch flavours. I love ranch flavours, mate. They were nice. You can have them as well if you want, mate. I love ranch flavours. There you go. I'm sharing my care package with you.

Thanks, Paul. It was a good care package. You could have some of that stuff, the Trader Joe's stuff, if you want. Nah, it was all shit. It was not all shit. Stop it. Anyway, thank you very much, Alison, for your care package. Thank you.

I'll be eating it all tonight and then having a sugar withdrawal thing over the course of the next few days. Because it's my birthday when this episode comes out. Ooh, happy birthday for them.

It comes out on Friday the 13th, actually, this episode. Which is your birthday? No, 14th, September 14th. September is my birthday. So it comes out after. And on Friday night,

ladies and gentlemen, So when people hear this... No, ladies and gentlemen, let me just get this to say before we go on. So it comes out after. And on Friday night, ladies and gentlemen, So when people hear this, No, no, ladies and gentlemen, let me just get this to say before we go on. No, no. When this goes out, the same evening, I'll be going to Shepherd's Bush to see Last Podcast on the Left live.

And do you know what? I was going to go with Eli, but Eli decided he'd rather not share my birthday and an event and a ticket that I got him, no cost to him. And said he'd rather do his dirty DJing. I have to work, Paul. Some of us have to work. I'm just saying, I'm going to go there all on my own

and sit there on my own with an empty seat and then when they say, oh, where's your friend who was going to come with you? They wouldn't say that. He abandoned me because he's not a good friend. They wouldn't say that. They won't say that. He said, oh, what happened? There's Paul and there's, I've heard all about Keepshow. Will they?

No. No, they won't have heard of us. This is what happens in my dream brain. Yeah, your dream brain. My dream brain, where I'm famous. I'm sorry, Paul, I have to work. And hello. Hello. Welcome to the part of the show where we relax and we pick up from the shelf one of Paul's page turners.

Here comes the page turner. Murderer. He's a literary gangster. Murderer. Excuse me, Mr Librarian. Murderer. Recommend me a book. Murderer.

That's going to be our new jingle. Just don't like it like that. So there were two reasons why I want to get these books out of the way because I'm not going to do that one this time. But we're going to start with this one because I think this one is more pertinent to Cheap Show and is guaranteed to enrage you more. Tell me what you say, Mr Silverman.

What book is it? This is Richard Osman of Pointless, I guess. The World Cup of Everything. Richard Osman is the poor man's Susie Dent. He sits there at his computer and espouses things he's been programmed to say. What do you mean programmed to say? It comes up on his screen. Actually, it was Spielberg's 36th nomination.

It's fact. He knows how to access fact. Yeah, everyone can do that. Anyone can sit behind a computer and look. Susie Dent actually knows the dictionary. Yeah. She actually knows every word in the dictionary. And he doesn't actually know everything.

No, he just sits there looking smug and smart with fucking, who's the guy who hosts it? Armstrong. Yeah. Yeah. But smug twat. You know what's pointless about pointless? What?

Pointless. It's pointless. I hate it. Why? Smug. But look, come here. So, paste it on Twitter. He would do things called the World Cup of Everything.

Where he rates crisps, for example. Well, this is where we're going to go. We're going to go to crisps? We're going straight to the crisps. He does a World Cup of Chocolate, animals, crisps, restaurants, British brands, sweets, Americans, British sitcoms. That's what it says. Ah, we'll see.

Drinks, Christmas films, biscuits. Does he rate them or what are you meant to do? Biscuits. Game shows and Christmas songs. Online he would do a thing. Do a Twitter poll. It was for charity to be fair, so the poll would raise money for charity. Not taking that away from him.

Pointless is, I don't know, I don't like it. It doesn't have the class, the charm of Countdown. People like The Chase now, don't they? I like The Chase. Do you? Yeah. See, I never kind of connected with that. I've got The Chase, you know, the board game. Are we going to play it on Guards? Go on, guys! I still think we should do another TV game show special, because I've got a few

other, I've got Golden Balls, I've got a few other games as well. Yeah, but what about the games you've got? Oh! So this book is the This is the book Paul what have you got there You've got golden balls Please

Please Every now and then Are we going to play it then No 97 is this page 57 What are you going to do Oh it's got spaces to write. Is this page 97? 57. What are you going to do? So the idea is... Oh, it's got spaces to write in.

In this book, it gives you chapters with pairings of contestants based on the genre of the question. And you fill it in in the book with your friends. You take little pens and you whittle them down to a winner. Okay. And it's a book that helps you have debate. About what's the best thing. Yeah. And it just lets you play it at home.

Does it give you some examples of things? I'm about to get there now. Okay. What does he think is the greatest band? Well, here's the World Cup of Crisp. Oh, yeah. That bears a resemblance to a certain segment on this show, doesn't it, Paul? It does, doesn't it?

Yes. Right, so. Except we involve snacks as well, don't we? So anyway, the first chapter always begins with a bit of like a Q&A and a quiz and a stupid little bit of smug little... Did you know... He's not that smug.

He's not that smug. I'm going to give him a punch in the big old face. Look at him. Look at that picture. Does he look smug on the front cover? He does look very smug.

There you go. And that was him caught unawares by a camera and he just looks smug. Anyway, this is the first... So he pitches them randomly against each other and you have to whittle it down

so it's not particularly balanced or fair It's just all thrown into the book For instance, Wotsits versus ready salted hula hoops Wotsits were launched in 1970 Over the years Oh, he's being all fucking Wotsits were launched in 1970

So was I Over the years we've spent a lot of time together Wotsit fingers That giveaway orange staining Is the childhood equivalent Of nicotine fingers And the good old days When they made Watsits in prawn cocktail

And barbecue flavours What? Yeah I remember those as well Do you remember Prawn cocktail Watsits? Yeah Briefly end of 80s

Beginning of 90s Kind of thing They were like special editions They had whopping Watsits Which were big ones What? Weenie Watsits Waffle or Watsits

The ones that were Shaped like waffles I remember those Are you joking? No I remember those What on earth is going on? And frozen Wotsits. Waffle or Wotsits. The ones that are shaped like waffles. I remember those. Are you joking? No, I remember those. What on earth is going on? And Frozen Wotsits. This is an alternative world, which I'm not privy to.

No, it happened. You were just too busy probably having drugs and meeting girls and touching things. Meeting girls and touching things? Yeah. You know what? I didn't do that, Paul. What I did do. I like to go round to...

Come round to it. Go round to an older lady's house. Lady Fingers. I wonder where this is going to go round to... Come round to it. Go round to an older lady's house. Lady Fingers. I wonder where this is going to go. I get in my bag. I delve in the bag. Here's a cucumber. Here's a cucumber.

Unwrap that and perhaps season it a bit. Give it a bit of a salt rub. And put it in the oven. Put the vegetable in the oven. that and perhaps season it a bit, give it a bit of a salt rub and put it in the oven. Put the vegetable in the oven. What is it with you at the moment?

What is it about vegetables in ovens? Put the vegetable in the oven. Come on, read some more out. Right, anyway, hula hoops have a

similar history to watsits. They were first sold in 1973 by KP. 73. And over the years we've spent a lot of

time together. Oh, he puts his personal spin on it. It's so obnoxious. Putting hula hoops on your fingers is the childhood equivalent of getting married. And then he talks about Beyonce's putting a ring finger on it or whatever. There were big ones, shocks, frozen. The frozen ones were just like oven chips that you just put in the oven. Are you joking?

No, you could get. And what's-its. You could get what's-its for the oven. What? Yeah. So anyway, then it says, what do you think would win? Out of those, what should win? Wotsits already salted hula hoops.

What would you go for, Bob? Wotsits. I like the hula hoop, but it, what? It's a Wotsit. Come on. I'd say a normal cheese Wotsit's going to be better. Yeah. Walker's cheese and onion versus chipsticks.

That's one. They have Doritos chili heatwave versus mini cheddars. Oh, mate, that's a terrible round. Pickled onion. I hate both of those. Pickled onion. What would Heat Wave versus Mini Cheddars. Oh, mate, that's a terrible round. I hate both of those. What would you pick? Mini Cheddars? Mini Cheddars, easily. I don't like Mini Cheddars.

Pickled Onion Monster Monster versus Squares. Have we covered Mini Cheddars yet? I don't know. We need to do Mini Cheddars. Yeah. I've got a lot to say

about Mini Cheddars, Paul. Do you? I have a strong opinion about Mini Cheddars. All right, well, then we'll bring it to the fore when the time comes to rent a league of snacks. We need to do salt and vinegar, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off.

Yes, well, I do have a brand off, brand off, brand off planned. Have you got a brand off planned? Yeah. Has it got salt and vinegar in it? No. Because it doesn't matter. We can do it another time. But I'm going to do pizzas, cheap pizzas.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. Yeah, we're going to do cheap pizzas. Well, shall I get on the phone to Richard? Brand off. Yeah, get him ready. Because if we don't at least invite him, we could I remember that. Yeah, we're going to do Cheap Peters next. Well, shall I get on the phone to Richard? Brandoff. Yeah, get him ready. Because if we don't at least invite him, we could face a lawsuit. So when are we going to do this? Two weeks' time?

Something like that, yeah. I'll just tell him. See, he's got very busy now. He's very busy because he's the face of Brandoff Health. Brandoff Health. Yeah, he's doing healthcare. And he comes around. This is what happens, right?

He comes around. It's good it's quite innovative if you're sick or whatever you're in hospital yeah yeah he comes round and goes get better you bitch

you're costing me money so it's got nice and spicy knick knacks versus Walt Walker fuck off salt and vinegar I paid for that defibrillator you cunt

frazzles versus spicy tomato wheat crunchies how dare you snot on my cloth discos versus ready salted Walt Walkers so it goes on discos win for me Frazzles vs. Spicy Tomato Wheat Crunchies How dare you snot on my cloth Discos vs. Ready Salted Walkers So it goes on

Discos win for me Quavers vs. Brannigan's Roast Beast and Mustard Ah you see now he knows he knows about Brannigan's you downplayed

Brannigan's so hard on the latest League of Snacks I was fine with it I just didn't think it was all that but I admired its moxie I think they're very good

Do you want to hear what he says about it? If I were to ask you when Quavers were launched, you would confidently say in the 1970s, but you'd be wrong. Quavers actually launched in 1968. Whoa. Two years out. That is ages ago, though.

The first of the big corn and maize snacks that remain with us today. That means that scientists invented Quavers roughly a year before scientists managed to land the man on the moon. According to KP Snacks website Mr Branigan an Irish shopkeeper took his popular crisps to America

we know this Richard we covered it Richard Dick Osman yeah he does mention that they don't

seem to know Mr Branigan's first name do you know why they don't know his name because he didn't exist

he's a made up person made up man sea salt crunch black peppercorn kettle chips versus Doritos cool original yeah easy kettle chips versus Doritos cool original.

Yeah, easy kettle chips and win, don't they? So that's it and then you put all your answers in the back and you whittle it down to the final. It's a fun enough

for people who have no, you know, can't make conversation. It's a conversation book. It's a book if you've got terribly boring relatives. Boring friends.

Relatives. It's more like families, isn't it? Should we do biscuits or do you want to do British bands? British bands. All right. What page is that?

Then that is... Oh, 105. Let's do it. Stop me if you like a match-up. Right, ready? Wham versus Blur. And this is where it gets all kind of... Pink Floyd versus One Direction.

Pet Shop Boys versus Iron Maiden. The Clash versus Coldplay Five Star versus The Beatles that's quite funny isn't it Five Star yeah

sure The Beatles had 17 UK number one hits more than anyone else 15 UK number one albums more than anyone else had over 400 million records worldwide more than anyone else

and spent over 1,300 weeks in the Billboard music charts more than anyone else but have they ever released300 weeks in the Billboard music chart more than anyone else. But have they ever released a song as good as System Addict? Yes. Yeah.

Pulp vs. Pretenders. This sucks, man. The Who vs. Bananarama. Depeche Mode vs. Take That. The Stone Roses vs. Duran Duran. The Kings vs. Sugar Babes. Oh, come on. Dire Straits vs The Rolling Stones

Oh fuck off Soul to Soul vs Roxy Music Oh eat a Nora JLS vs Oasis Come round here Radiohead vs Eurythmics Oh shut the front door Spice Girls vs The Smiths

Smell a rose up round here Smell a rose up That's terrible It makes me bored thinking about it Smiths. Smell a rose up around here. Smell a rose up. That's terrible. That's just it makes me bored thinking about it. Yeah. Sorry.

And then there's all kinds of quizzes and things. It's a terrible book. I mean it's it could be diverting and especially if you have relatives you

haven't got a lot in common with and you can talk about stuff that is trivial and ephemeral and doesn't really matter. Do you know what I mean?

You're not going to come to blows over, you know, Sugar Bates versus Duran Duran, are you? It's just top bants, isn't it? It's just banter. It's just top bants, isn't it? Anyway, that book I got for, what was it, two quid? It's not worth it. In a charity shop.

Actually, you know, considering it goes for, like, £12.99. Are you going to re-gift it? Uh, maybe. Are you going to hang on to it? No, I might give it to a charity shop. It's all top bands, isn't it? Now, for the next book, the last book. Can I read something now?

Yeah. This is a book I bought a while ago and we haven't talked about it. And I want to talk about it now because I'm going to give it to the last podcast on the left, boys, when I see them on Friday. So, what is that? This is Satanic Panic. Pop cultural paranoia in the 1980s.

Very interesting subject matter. Yes. Dungeons and Dragons was very big at the time wasn't it? The book goes into a lot of detail about

how the growth of that helps spear. Fantasy role playing games. Yeah. Got involved in the Satanic Panic thing. For those who don't

know what Satanic Oh this is great. Oh it's a great book mate. Look he's that cartoonist. Let me just say okay so Satanic Panic For those who don't know what Satanic... Oh, this is great. Oh, it's a great book, mate. Look, it's that cartoonist. Let me just... Okay.

So, Satanic Panic, for those who don't know, and this is a very, very, very simplistic version of what actually went on, was when there was a great big right-wing conservative move to weed out Satanists in the communities. And so everyone thought all of a sudden America was turning to the occult and dark arts. But what?

Because of Video Nasties, horror films. Just heavy metal. Heavy metal music. All this music that was changing, all the kind of, you know, the boundaries that were being broken, the rules that were being pushed and things like that, just led to a lot of kind of very religious people going, oh, we must protect ourselves from this. But it still goes on to this very day with Harry Potter and... Yeah, there's even still...

It's the religious right. Yeah, who want Harry Potter banned because you you can it's witchcraft yeah and it's like god so it was the interesting thing about satanic panic was the satanists themselves really weren't the problem it was well there were very few actual satanists yeah and they're not they're much more like sort of liberal uh yeah almost atheist almost it's almost like an athian beliefs atheist belief system but not because they worship satan but the tenants of the of that religion it's an it's an atheist creed almost or it's almost like a humanist creed yeah it's a humanist creed so a lot of this goes on and there's a one

case and again it mentions it throughout the book numerous times, but there's a case where, again, to cut a very long story short, there was a school and a lot of kids started saying they were being molested by teachers and they were being taken away to government buildings, being molested by politicians. Yes. But the thing is, is that the parents and the psychiatrists and the police and all the moral guardians were sitting down with these kids and saying, so what did do to you next did he did he put a black candle in your bum hole and the kids were just like what what's going on yeah if you answer this now then you can just go home so tell me what you want to hear so did he touch you it's very much like the um

the scandal of sex abuse hypno hypno regressive uh abuse, where these people just made careers by getting children to say under hypnosis that they'd had been sexually abused. And in a lot of the cases, it just was just not true. Well, a lot of lives were ruined for the satanic panic because innocent people got dragged in and accused of doing the most fucking horrific

things. And lives were ruined. But this book, let me just have a quick look at it here. This book is compiled and edited by Kia La Janisse and Paul Karou. It looks like a good book, actually. My lament was not getting through this in time before I gave it away. It's got nice illustrations, nice photos. It's a collection of essays about the different elements of Satanic Panic. So, yeah, it's everything from dungeon dragons

and parents being afraid that their kids are all of a sudden joining a cult and sacrificing children uh it goes through jesus are you all right yeah so it's heavy metal and there's also a book that came out called michelle remembers and it caused an outrage at the time because it was this i mean again this i'm simplifying it hugely woman said she was abused and molested by her in a cult went to a psychiatrist who drew these stories out from the hypnosis she turned it into a book went on tour with it i think it got made into a tv movie or something like that but long story short a lot of lives were ruined because she was inventing a bunch of shit that never happened to help. But obviously a lot of the whole Christian warriors were using this book to march on.

Look what this proves. Even though, like the Amityville horror book, it was fabricated, told it was all to shit. And by the time she faded from fame, all the damage she'd done, she left behind. It's like she just kept on walking, didn't look behind. It's horrible. But also, like you mentioned, there was those comic books.

By what's he called? Is it Jack T. Chick? Yes, that's it. Jack Chick. Yeah. And he was a guy who was a comic book artist, but he wrote really nasty, deeply offensive right wing Christian pamphlets. They're like comic book pamphlet things, aren't they?

Aggressive and exaggeratory. Homophobic. Yeah. Extremely homophobic. That's that one we've got. Extremely everything phobic. But it's all like, you choose to be gay

and now you're going to hell. And I told you. Yeah. You know what I mean? So there's a chapter in here all about these things, the demons, nightmare,

the beast, about good people being torn away. And it's frightening that people got hold of this because you look at it, it's a comic book, and you think, oh, it's a bit of fun. Yeah.

It's a comic book. But actually, you know, it's about Christian kids being given rock and roll music, and the next minute they're taking drugs and murdering other children. It's shocking. So the book is full of essays, really brilliantly written essays

by a whole host of writers, covering all aspects of it from film. Look at these posters. Fantastic. Obviously what was interesting about... Because it's the era of the video nasty as well, isn't it? So there's a lot of fear around not being able to censor movies, because you could see it in your home, couldn't you?

And you could copy them for the first time. But movies were also actually exploiting it. So you look at Rosemary's Baby, or look at well that's that's much before that's 10 years earlier before but the point is that hollywood started going oh people are the exorcist i think is more of omen as well yes you've got all these stories about satan invading you know wholesome lives and families and protecting it does really affect it affects that the culture just affects it directly and you know another example of that happening would be the Highgate vampire stories. Highgate vampire stories?

Where it's basically, he said there was an entity and he may have come on a boat and it's like, hang on, that's the plot of Dracula. Yeah, that's the exact same plot of Dracula, isn't it, mate? Do you know what I mean? And people don't realise that they're picking this stuff up necessarily from culture or stories, and then they just sort of regurgitate it. And they're unconscious of that process, that they're actually just copying all this fiction, basically. But this is where it all bleeds in, because then you've got movies.

This is a really nicely published book with some lovely photographs and stuff. Photographs. It talks about He-Man as well, how when the cartoon He-Man came out, people were like ban this show. Why? Because of Skeletor. Because of Wizards and Warlocks and you know, all that stuff. Yeah, but you've got like you know like the whole idea of playing

records backwards and backward masking. I was just about to say what was the band that got taken to court over that? Judas Priest. Judas Priest. There was a boy who blew his face off. He was trying to commit suicide with a shotgun and he blew, he messed up but he was severely, he didn't

have a face left. He blew his face off but he survived. And he sort of claimed that messages in Judas Priest made him do it. So did they have to play the record backwards? And is it Halford? the guy out of Judas Priest, the lead singer, Rob Halford?

Yeah. It was in court, and he's a very erudite and, you know... Smart man. Smart man, and so I think he won. He managed to win because he managed to say, look, this is absurd. Do you know what I mean? This is rock and roll.

It's a song. But around that time that me and my friend virgil were hearing about all of this stuff which would have been in the 80s yeah we he had a copy and that the most famous supposed backwards message of all time was stairway to heaven led zeppelins oh really to heaven which he had a copy of yeah and we would just get his turntable and play it backwards the bit and scare each other shitless. Do you know what I mean?

It was a big sort of, ah! But this is the thing, the brain will. We didn't hear anything, of course. No, but the brain will hear something if it thinks it's going to hear something. Well, that's just why you have those EVPs, is it? Yeah. Or, like, there's a great bit that Chris Morris did on, I think, the first or second, one of the series of On the Hour,

which is the radio show that preceded of the series of On The Hour, which is the radio show that preceded The Day To Day, the spoof news show he did. Yes. Number four, Brass Eye. He did this whole section on backwards masking in records where he plays this DJ saying, it's despicable, these records. I remember this, yeah. And he just plays random stuff backwards.

The work of recording satanic messages backwards on popular records started with The Beatles and before. Alex Maloney of the Congregational Church of Elid Pentecostal Christians tours the country giving seminars in which he plays records backwards to demonstrate the evil within. I phoned him up and played him his own most famous example with Queen and Another One Bites the Dust.

Alex, let me ask you, first of all, how does it feel when you hear that? So let me ask you, first of all, how does it feel when you hear that? Um, there's, how can I explain it, a quickening in my spirit. What I'm actually hearing is it's from smoked marijuana. It's not the smoked marijuana! It's not the smoked marijuana! The spirit behind the intention is definitely from a satanic force. Perhaps most shocking of all, our last example is a record for kids.

Broke off his horse's head. What? Yes, the saucy fucker. Do you count that as very grim or very, very grim? I think it's very, very grim. It's woven its way so much through that I don't think now any group

can get onto the rock scene without being infiltrated without having satan in its bowels very much so amen wayne carr with that disturbing story but and the thing is it's really strange isn't it because you get these aural hallucinations with aural illusions. You know, everyone's used to like an optical illusion. Yeah. But when you hear

an aural one, it really is like, oh, wow. Well, it's like when you get those... Because your mind can do that just the way that your eyes can get confused or perceive something

that isn't there. Your ears can do it as well. Well, it's like, you know, you get those 3D sound effects that you listen to and you go to the barbers, for instance,

that's one. And so when you close your eyes eyes the sound of the scissors passing around your head. Is this an ASMR sort of thing? Yeah but you can download an app that says virtual barbershop. Is that nice? You like being in the barbers? Some people like it. It's like a two minute audio clip. You put your headphones in, you close your eyes and it's like you hear a voice

but because the way the audio stereo pans and the way your brain works, it fills in the distance so like the scissors go close to your ear you put a bag over your head to dry the hair so you hear the crinkle it's really effective a drying bag

I don't know maybe if it was dyeing your hair you'd put a bag over it maybe I don't know but wasn't there that thing where there were a few months ago where there was a

some people heard it one way and some people heard it another way oh yeah what was that that's really weird and there was another one that was shared there was a some people heard it one way and some people heard it another way oh yeah what was that that's really weird and there was another one that was shared which was a little toy that makes a noise and it says two totally separate things and i can hear both and just like that optical illusion where you've got the stairs are the stairs are we looking under the stairs you know they flipped back and forth your perception of it yeah that can happen with aural stuff as well which is bizarre isn't? I like the oral stuff. I love the oral stuff.

It's owl. I don't want to have sex with an owl. Owl sex. Owl. Hoo, hoo, hoo. That sounds like a monkey. Monkey owl. Monkey owl, monkey sex.

Now you're talking. Now you're talking. No, this is a lovely... Use the owl like a condom. This is a really nice... What am I saying? I don't know you did it

but it's a brilliant book it's great and again it covers everything from fiction you know novels people it's lovely how it mixes in

like the video nasties when they start to capitalise on it I think there's a film called Trick or Treat about a demon hidden in a rock band I saw that back in the day yeah and the guy plays the record they play the record backwards and it's a possessed hidden in a rock band. I saw that back in the day. Yeah, and the guy plays the record.

They play the record backwards and it's a possessed rock star. The rock band are actually demons or something, aren't they? No, it's just the lead singer.

I think he dies on stage one day, but the band reforms and he plays it. It was pretty good. It's alright. It's those shitty 80s. It's got Ozzy Osbourne

in it playing. It's got Osbourne in it. Playing a guy who's on a TV show saying, this music should be banned. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah playing against type

so I really I've only got halfway through the book and it's dense but I got it in a charity shop for 10 quid oh did you

and I think for 10 quid alright you think well it's not very cheap but look at it it's a beautifully made book it's a really nice

intelligently written full of pictures and drawings and glossy photos it just looks so well researched this is that film oh is that War Games that's War Games because they talk about video games as well Really nice book. Intelligently written, full of pictures and drawings and glossy photos. It just looks so well-researched. This is that film.

Oh, is that War Games? That's War Games. Because they talk about video games as well as part of the Satanic Panic. Of course. Yeah, because it was new, and therefore everyone was frightened of it. There was also that film, which I never knew at the time, but it was Tom Hanks' Mages and Monsters. Yeah.

It talks about that in the book. That is also very much a reaction to the panic, wasn't it? Because isn't that film trying to say, there's the poster, yeah. In the film. In the film, isn't the story that he gets drawn into actual devil worship by being an RPG player? He plays RPG with these kids, but then he starts teaching it as real. And so he starts going mad and despair.

And he tries to either kill himself or his friends, but ultimately... Would it be fair to say it's critical of RPGs, the film is saying these will lead oh yeah a cbs special movie presentation four players in a dangerous game risking their hearts their minds and their lives because the thing is it makes it look like it's kind of goonies indiana jones got that vibe but it's nothing like that at all no it's most just kids in badly filmed school rooms going, I think Tom Hanks is losing his mind. What do we do? Tom Hanks and his friends get caught up in a deadly game of fantasy.

I am the maze controller. Until they take it too far. I propose we play Mazes and Monsters in a real setting. It won't be a fantasy. Too bad for one of them because now there's no turning back. This is only a game. I know, I killed somebody.

Mazes and Monsters. Saturday at 3 on ZTV. Fox 17. I'm going to give it away before you finish the book because you want... I might just order. He wants Zabrowski to love you. I want them to like me

and then come on cheap show and then raise our listeners by 20 billion views it's not going to happen it's not going to happen we're going to be

a cult podcast forever well Paul there's worse things I want to sell out well we could do ads no I'd do an ad go on then do an ad

advertise big still pickle nuts do you like the smell advertise big dill pickle nuts. Do you like the smell of dill in the morning? I do. I'll roll out of bed and I have a smell of it. And I think, I wish I could have that smell on a nut of some kind,

maybe a seed. And then I say, where's my seed with the smell on? Where is it? Where is it coming from? Is it coming in an envelope? Perhaps it's coming in a stalks beak. Perhaps I've gone to the moon.

Yes, no, thank you for coming in. We don't think you're quite right to sell this product. No, no, no. Give me another chance. Give me another chance. Let's just take the deal away from you. I think the deal was maybe a bit distracting. So let's give you the sizzling bacon brand.

We're really trying to push bacon salt with our corporate sponsors. No, no problem. Sorry about that. I just got a bit distracted. No, that's fair enough. But let's see where you go with this because this is our big client. Okay, yeah, no. Bacon salt, sell the salt.

So just see how you go. Because obviously the scene is, you know, you talking on the phone to a friend. Yeah. But the rest of it is really up to you. We're looking to get your humor out of this. We want to use your comedy. Okay. Because we can't be asked to write the advert.

Okay, yeah. No, I think... Okay. I'm lying in bed. I look at a seed. I put the seed in my meters. Oh, a rubby, twangy seed.

Twangy bacon seed. Send it in an envelope. Send... No, we're liking this. Go ahead. Send the envelope. Can you we're liking this. Go ahead. Send the envelope. Can I add something to this? Can you just do a

poopoo out the bumhole? If you could add that, that would be really nice. No, I think I've got you. And go. Lying in bed. Oh, smell the bacon. Oh, got the bacon seed.

Put it in my meters. Twangy. Twangy. Poopoo out of bumhole. Yeah, brilliant. The job's yours. Thank you very much. I'll see you on Monday.

Right, so it's too big a book and not enough time to go into everything in this, but I can't recommend it enough. It's by Fab Press Presents, Satanic Panic, Pop Culture Paranoia in the 1980s by Fab Press. So literally it spanned the 1980s and then... It kind of, yeah, it was ten hot years of... And then it kind of... Both funny and frightening stories. And it lost traction by the 90s.

Well, I'll just read you the copy on the back and that should hopefully give everyone a better idea of what the book's about and then we can end. So, in the 1980s, everywhere you turned, there were warnings about the widespread evil conspiracy to indoctrinate the vulnerable through the media they consumed this percolated cultural hysteria was known as satanic panic it both illuminated and propagated through almost every piece of pop culture in the 80s from heavy metal music dungeons and dragons role-playing games christian comics directed vhs scare films pulp paperback

saturday morning cartoons and TV talk shows. And it created its own fascinating cultural legacy of the Satan battling VHS... I can't fucking speak. Let me read it. Right, you read the last bit from And Created. And Created its own fascinating cultural legacy of Satan battling VHS tapes, music and literature. From con artists to pranksters and moralists to martyrs Satanic Panic

pop cultural paranoia in the 1980s aims to capture the untold story of how the Satanic Panic was fought on the pop culture front lines

and the serious consequences it had for many involved. Yeah. It's a great book and one of my favourite finds in a charity shop this so

Fantastic mate. And for a tenner because it originally went for 30 quid and actually Well it's a hardback very nice edition You could fucking kill a child shop this. Fantastic, mate. And for a tenner because it originally went for 30 quid and actually Well, it's a hardback. It's a very nice addition. You could fucking

kill a child with this. Right on the head. It wouldn't be ritualistic enough. But then what if the blood got into the book and turned it into a book?

Perhaps if you could sprinkle some rosemary in there. Yes, I could maybe sprinkle some rosemary in here. Oh, is that a satanic herb? What's the most satanic herb?

Sage. Yeah. I don't know. White sage. I might just buy this again to be fair. I saw a t-shirt the other day. I might just buy this again to be fair. I saw a t-shirt the other day. Yeah. It had a cookie and it was reading from the Necronomicon.

Oh! And he had summoned, he'd manifested Cookie Monster. Yeah. As if, you know, the book of the Necronomicon. Necronomicon. Then it made me realise, that expression, nom, nom, for something being tasty. Must have come from a...

Came from Cookie Monster. Yeah. Learn something new every day, don't you? That's the second mention of Muppets today in today's show. I love the Muppets. I love the Muppets too. But Cookie Monster's not, strictly speaking, a Muppet, is he? No, he is.

No, he's not. No, he's not. He is. He's a Sesame Street... So are you saying none of the Sesame Street characters are Muppets? Some of them are. Hang on, he's not. No, he's not. He is. No, he's a Sesame Street. Are you saying none of the Sesame Street characters are Muppets? Some of them are. Hang on, what's the difference then?

Kermit. Why is Kermit allowed to be a Muppet? Because he's on the Muppet show. Yeah, but the Sesame Street people have turned up on Muppet show. No, they don't. And vice versa. No, they don't. I bet Cookie Monster never has.

This is just Muppet Apart hide for you, isn't it? Well, they're two different shows, Paul. Are Fraggles not Muppets? No. Yes, they are. Of course they're not Muppets? No, they're Fraggles. Yes, they are. Of course they're not Muppets. Muppets are the Muppets. Muppets are the characters.

You just want to draw lines between people. What is that? Why do you want to do that? Why can't they all just get along? They can. Cookie Monster and Gonzo should be able to hug. Well, I'd love to see them hug. I'd pay money to see them hug. Especially if they had an anatomically correct genitals. Grover's definitely a Muppet.

I want to see downstairs Muppets. Do you want to see the cock and balls of Fozzie Bear? Oh, yeah. Perhaps you could... Wacka, wacka! Perhaps if his... Do you know? The original, you do know,

because you watched the same Defunctland special. But his mouth used to move, didn't it? Yeah. And it was a bit weird and so they put they made his ears twizzle instead yeah

if he did have his balls perhaps his balls could go yeah what do you think Gonzo's balls look like do they look like his face no they look like chickens

because he's into chickens isn't he he's really into chickens yeah so it's probably like and also I never understood you know when they romance Kermit and Miss Piggy and then they have kids

and some are little frogs and some are pigs. How does that work? Is that what happens? Yeah. How does that work? They'd be frog pigs, wouldn't they? They'd just be, kill me. That's a joke, isn't it?

Is it? Not much of one. Not much of one to end on. But that was my Paul's page turners today. Thank you, Paul. Did you enjoy it? I did, actually. I had one other thing.

We should do that more often. But I want to say it for another episode. Okay. It was plays and performances. With plays, we could do some drama. I'll just do it very quickly because we haven't got time. But I wanted to do this. We'll do it another episode.

Matchbox Theatre by Michael... 30 Short Entertainments. Matchbox Theatre by Michael Frayne. He's a very famous playwright, isn't he? He wrote Noises Off, I believe, and also Clockwork, the John Cleese movie. I think Cleese is such a racist these days. No, I don't think he's a racist. I just think he's rich, therefore has no fucking idea of how things work anymore.

So these are very short plays. Very short plays. Just very briefly, he wrote 30 small plays that you're meant to perform in your head. The idea being is that the book's designed to help the imagination and performance, so monologues and scenes about all kinds of weird stuff, presented like a sketch show because Michael Fray started out doing

sketch comedy at the Footlights wasn't very good at it left it behind not until he was like late 30s he wrote his first play at 37

after seeing everyone else he knew go famous and be on TV and things like that and then yeah eventually he brought out this a few years ago

and it was turned into a Radio 4 series where there were actors but I saw it not knowing what it was and thought, oh, I'll give it a go so maybe another episode

we'll have a peek inside and we'll perform some of the matchbox theatre plays. I'd be up for that. But until then, would you like a handjob? No.

Shall we just end this segment? I don't want... I don't want... Shall we just end this segment then? Handjob? No. Handjob? Handjob?

Don't... Look, it'd be more than a handshake. Form your hand into the shape of my knob. Exactly right. It's like that It's like all bunched up Like a pinhole He's making a pinhole everybody

Yeah Because I've got micro phallus And on that point We'll end And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week That's the end of Cheap Show for this week And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week

And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. I could do that forever. I like doing it. It's nice. Anyway, thank you.

And that's the end of Cheap Show for this week. Quick important point. Biffo and I, Digitizer and Cheap Show, are teaming up to have a PO box. So as of... What? Can't I be included? You are included by proxy of you being in Cheap Show, you dopey wank. So we're going to have a PO box soon.

By the time this next episode comes out, there'll be information. Paul, a lot of people have been saying to me... Is this about Fat Sal? Yeah. Good. Can we just move on from that? Because we all know about your fucking weird obsession with being Fat Sal now. Right?

Yeah, good. Sorry. Fucking hell. Just trying to add some levity. Gird your loins, everyone. If you want to send us stuff.

Gird your loins? If you want to send us stuff. Oh, gird your loins. The PO box information will be released online on Twitter. I'm the hurdy-gurdy

loin man. On our Facebook. And in next week's episode. Pork loins. Just shut up. Pork loin steak. www.thecheapshow.co.uk

is where you can go to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode. And we'll have pictures of the snacks and bits and bobs. www.thecheapshow.co.uk is where you can go to see pictures and videos that accompany this episode. And we'll have pictures of the snacks and bits and bobs. Snacks and the books and also the sticker.

Don't forget the sticker. Don't forget the sticker. It came with those very unusual, probably one of the most unusual items we've ever had on the show. Yeah, the rice candy. Thanks to Alison for that.

It was a great care package. All jokes aside, Paul. All jokes aside. But that umami mushroom and caramami patty is bloody great. It's bloody great, man. You got what you wanted, I got what I wanted. Twitter, at PaulGannonShow, at thecheapshowpod,

Eli is... I'm Eli Snoyd, I'm Eli Snoyd, I'm Eli Snoyd on Twitter. I'm Eli Snoyd, I'm Eli Snoyd, I'm Eli Snoyd on Twitter. How's that smell? I'll tell you now. How's that smell? I'm going to tell you now. Come on, I'm enjoying myself. I'll tell you now. How's that spelt? I'm going to tell you now. Come on.

I'm enjoying myself. I know you are, but that's the problem. How's that spelt? I'll tell you now. How's that spelt? I'll tell you now. How's that spelt? Go on, then.

It's Eli Snoyd on Twitter. And it's spelt E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. I'm going to turn this down now. E-L-I-S-N-I-D. Right. So, don't turn me down. Don't turn me down. Don't turn me down. Gross.

What else? If you want to support us on Patreon, please do patreon.com forward slash cheap show. And if you support to a heavy level, heavy flow. You get nozzles. You get bespoke podcasts. I've just sent them out,

and so far people have liked them, so that's all good. We'll do those. Yeah, we'll do. Do the cow come home. We've missed one we've got to do, so we'll do that next week. Do the cow come home. We've missed one we've got to do, so we'll do that next week. Do the cow come home.

What else? We're on Twitch, Cheap Show, et cetera. We do it randomly. It'll be a weekend, probably Sunday. Keep an ear out on Twitter and the Facebook page. That's when we'll tell you we're going live, which is something we're about to do moments from now. Right now. So shall we just say goodbye?

Goodbye, Paul. And email us thecheapshow at gmail.com for anything you want. We'll read it with our eyes. Yeah. Tell us from the dance shop floor. Tell us from the dance shop floor. Or tell us from the shoppy dance floor. Whatever you want to do.

Or just say hello. Or send us a hot tip. I'm planning the Winky special. We're going to do a Winky special in the future, which will cover the whole story from beginning to end. And I'll probably, hopefully get those interviews. Could we have little dramatised bits? Yeah, we're going to have to.

All right. Yeah, we're going to do a Winky special. The ultimate Winky story. A recreation. Dramatisation. I'm actually going to do the to. All right. Yeah, we're going to do a winky special. The ultimate winky story. A recreation. Dramatisation. I'm actually going to do the research. I'm going to try and reach out to the makers and all this kind of stuff. So that's coming.

But until then, ladies and gentlemen, you've been listening to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I've been Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman. Please join us again. Let's join us again next weekend. Very professional ending. Goodbye. Don't try and shake my hand.

I'm not touching you. I'll touch your nuts. Oi! Now you've just touched me, Mike. Was it worth it? It was worth it. All right, it was worth it. Do you've just touched me, Mike. Was it worth it? It was worth it. Do you want to say poo-yum-bum-bum? I do.

Poo-poo out of bumhole. Poo-poo out of bumhole, ladies and gentlemen. It'll be on a t-shirt next fucking week. Please don't. Please no. you