CheapShow - Ep 145: Spoff My Josh Off (Sorry)

Episode Date: September 20, 2019

Another week, another CheapShow and this one may peak too early... We blame Paul's story about a "Birthday Cocaine Guinness World Record Attempt" that we're pretty sure is utter lies. Also, once again, we apologise for the title of this week's episode. It makes sense when you hear it, promise guv'nor! What else can you expect? Well, it's the third and final part of our "care package" trilogy... that wasn't meant to be a trilogy thing at all. This week, the package has some glorious culinary highs as well as a few repulsive, barely edible lows. To cap it all off, we present the worst song to feature on Silverman's Platter (possibly… There has been a lot of rubbish in the past) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-145-spoff-my-josh-off If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

I've got more energy than you Totally got more energy than you Have you started now? I'm recording, yeah Oh, really? Just give me five seconds of silence That's not silence Moving stuff around

Just give me five seconds of getting comfortable In my own fucking space How about that? Before your precious silence You're still making noise Just stop I'm just tidying up my nest So you said you're in charge of introduction Silence. You're still making noise. Just stop. I'm just tidying up my nest.

So you said you're in charge of introduction proceedings today. Well, Paul, I think we're going to peel back the beef curtain of the show a bit here. You are a bit under the weather, aren't you? Paul might have had a little too much to drink over the last weekend. It was your birthday weekend. Yeah. And a very good friend came with me to see last podcast on the left live

really good friend who came with me keep doing this on a special night for me this is like water off a duck's fanny yeah

you really don't value our friendship at all I'm not that's not what I'm saying that's not what I'm implying you knew about this thing for once

by the way why are you filming this I'm not filming this still filming it with your little GoPro it's not on no batteries in it you're just you're just fucking you're just nervous of cameras By the way, why are you filming this? I'm not filming this. Still filming it with your little GoPro. It's not on. No batteries in it.

You're just fucking... You're just nervous of cameras because you know... Maybe I'll leave it here. Hide it somewhere. Don't do that. Maybe. No one wants that. No, I had a big party weekend. I did drugs.

I did booze. You did drugs? I did women. I snorted. I got in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest line of cocaine ever snorted in one go. How long was it? One mile.

One mile of coke on a road. And I went... You had some pigs with you. Yeah. They were helping. And I got to the end, and Doris McQuerter was there. Doris McQuerter.

Doris McQuerter. Doris McSquerter was there. Doris McQuirter? Doris McQuirter. Doris McSquirter was there. Doris McSquirter? This is even better. When she was riding one of these pigs, was she on a big armoured king pig? She had to be on the back of a pig to go along. But did it have armour?

To ride along. Did the pig have armour? Yes, it had armour. A big breastplate. Yeah, a breastplate. And it was hairy. And a helmet, like a knight's a helmet Like a wild boar king Like a king

With big teeth Sentient wild boar Big teeth Battle wild boar Yeah So she's riding that Going down the line of cocaine As I'm snorting it

Yeah As I'm screaming and hollering And she's sort of cartwheeling you No she's just Is she cartwheeling you Is she cartwheeling you No She's not

Meanwhile everyone's cheering In the stands, in the bleachers. There's bleachers. They set up a mile-long bleachers. Yeah, and everyone's going, Paul, do cocaine. Paul, do cocaine. And I'm snorting it, and I'm snorting it. I get to the very end, and there's blood pouring down my nose. And I don't know where I am.

You'd be dead. And it's just crazy. But I got on the Guinness Book of World Records. Doris McSquirt said it was a real ah you spat your tea out start the show again it all came through my nose as well

it was just the fact that you know what really cracked me up I knew you were going to say Doris McSquire. Oh, we shouldn't fucking peak this early in the show. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Chiefs, though, you're gonna have to fucking reset.

Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the bit going? The price of the site This is for guaranteed Hello Eli Silver Welcome to Cheap Show We're not going on a nuzzle

Oh dear So we're not going on a nuzzle Oh dear So we're not going to do anything, the charity shops, the thingamajigs Welcome to the charity shop, the Cheap Show Alright Cup of tea We've got a cup of tea, yes, as we both found out Do you know when we got that thing, the egg separator? Yeah, it's up there

That was what your face just did with that tea. It was like it poured the tea out of your nose. That was a tea separator. Yeah. Goblin. Yeah, we're here in the house of pickles. We are indeed. Yet again, I've given it a bit of a scrub, but not much of a scrub.

Pretty fragrant today. It's funky. It smells of what happens if all your wet parts join together and cause the funky must. Why have you gone super creative at the beginning of this? I thought you were going to be like, oh, I can't be bothered, Paul. I'm not bothered, though. I've got this whole fantasy about doing a mile-long line.

Good cocaine is people are cheering me on. No, I know, I know. It's great. Let's not revisit that. So, Paul, this is the Economy Comedy Podcast. And what we do on this podcast, Paul, as you know, because I'm just sort of addressing you as if, you know, in a sort of metaphoric way, you obviously know.

You're talking to the audience more than you're talking to me. It's pure rhetoric. Yeah. What we do on this show, Paul, is we trawl charity shops, bargain basements, discount stores, pound lands, pound stretchers, Moominland, the Lion King Corner Shop. Any other cartoon shows that you want to tie into shops you see nearby? No, the Lion King Corner Shop.

Yeah. Cash and Carries. What a great... Bazaars. What a great format for the show. I wonder why it hasn't caught on with mainstream media outlets. Well, it's probably because the two hoes are off-putting. So there you go.

Yes, and we take that stuff that we find in those shops now. Paul, you've had a bit of a score, haven't you? Ladies and gentlemen, you have no idea. I might have talked about it on Twitter or on Instagram. If you saw the pictures there, you can find us on those services by going looking for Cheap Show Pod. But I went to a charity shop in Harrow, and this is the second time it's happened now. I've just wandered into a Harrow charity shop and saw something super rare in super great condition for a ridiculously cheap amount of money.

So obviously I found Dark Tower. Now tell me a bit about Dark Tower. No. Ah, I see. Now you've changed to the cunt pool no because we've talked about it before

but Dark Tower was that oh that yes okay but that's not you found another copy of Dark Tower no no no

what I'm saying is I found that in one charity shop a few months ago didn't I and it was selling for like four

that was a good find didn't we seven quid but someone's trying to sell it online for anywhere between 150 300

yeah then I went into another charity shop in Harrow I think it was the British Heart Foundation and I saw what I thought were two board games

in the corner and I was right the first one was a board game it was Hero Quest it was one of those Dungeons and Dragons kind of board games this is the one I thought

you meant so tell me a bit about Hero Quest I mean look it's Dungeons and Dragons as a board game dice rolling dice rolling

and little figures you move around so it's a sort of dungeon what is the design of the board like a dungeon or like a castle it looks like a

top down view of like a castle and It looks like a top-down view of a castle and a grounds and you know so you can separate it up into like a dungeon. Think of like a medieval Cluedo board. Okay.

It's kind of like that and you put figures around it and there are doors and chests and treasures and you get cards and you build up your powers and you go searching. It's like a Dungeons & Dragons game

but they've kind of must have simplified it somewhat and put it onto a board game. Yeah. Apparently it's simplified enough that it's a kind of early entry kind of thing. Fantasy role-playing game. Yeah. So, that was five months.

I didn't have any of those, but I did buy the Dungeons & Dragons, not the Dungeons & Dragons, fighting fantasy books. Steve Jackson's fighting fantasy books. I don't know what they are. I honestly don't know what they are. You've never heard of those? I just said I don't know what they are. You never, right. Mate. The first one one there was one called death trap dungeon they were they would play your own

adventure books oh so they had a dice fighting mechanism oh really he explained to you that were built in so in that similar way it was sort of like so it added some of the aspects of proper hardcore dungeon dragons role-playing yeah and put it into a book. But in reality, because it was just a sort of choose-your-own-adventure, you'd come to a goblin, fight the goblin. Binary. And then you do the dice. By yourself, you do the dice.

It's like, oh, I lost. Start again. No, no, no. I beat the goblin. I beat the goblin. Go to page 103. Yeah, yeah. So why even bother?

It became irrelevant. Yeah. But it was a sort of introduction to those fighting systems that you would have to use with dice I think in a proper RPG, don't you? Yeah. But that's because there's other people there who are not going to let you play unless you roll the dice. You know what I'm getting at?

Yeah, I used to love those. There was one called Death Trap Dungeon, which I tried to map it. And I found, because I went over and over it, that it was unsolvable. Oh, really? Yeah, it didn't join up. The dungeon didn't join up. It was either a mistake or...

He didn't give a fuck. Yeah. It wasn't rational, the map. Right. Do you see what I mean? But it's fantasy, so who knows? Yes. And then he had a more hardcore version.

Didn't think about that, did you? He had fighting fantasy books, and then he had another range, which was a bit more adult and a bit more hardcore. Right. The Sorcerer range or whatever. Sorcerer report. He introduced... Sorcerer report.

The Sorcerer report. He introduced magic, basically, into it. Okay. And the first series was just fighting. You were just like a fighting guy. But then you were a sorcerer in the next series. basically, into it. Okay. And the first series was just fighting. You were just like a fighting guy. But then you were a sorcerer in the next series. Oh, a sorcerer. Hmm, Steve Jackson.

And so Ian Livingston and Steve Jackson. Great. People will know what I'm talking about. Yeah, good. I don't care. So I found this HeroQuest, and it was in very good condition. £5.99 I found it for. Looked online.

People are trying to sell it for anywhere between £60 and like £150. And what was the condition like on your one i opened it up and it was in pretty spectacular condition spiffing it would be it'd been played with obviously once or twice there was little sheets in there from kids who had played it and you'd see their scores and who won but complete yeah complete absolutely complete in very good condition all there because usually these things wear and tear because there were some cardboard bits you know they just break them and then they just shove them in the box and send them back, don't they? So no, it was all there.

So that's fine. Yeah. What are we talking about? We're talking about the games. Talking about games, weren't we? Ganon's Golden Games. Neither of these are going to be on... Well, that's not going to be on Ganon's Golden Games.

No, we couldn't really play Hero Quest on the show unless you dedicated three hours to just playing it. Let's just see what the potential profit is. First on that one, you paid six quid for it. What did you say they were going for? Anywhere between like 65 and like 150 quid. So let's take a midway point between let's say 50 and 150, which is 100. Yeah. So you're looking at 94 pounds potentially.

It's all right, isn't it? That's good. That's not cheap show anymore. That's fucking high rolling, toy hunting. You're going to move up in the world. You're going to have your own show world. You've got your own show. Paul Gannon's Ghost Toys. Ghost Buster Toys.

So now it would be called Charity Shop Charlie. And I'd be like, oh, I eat them. Why would you do that? And I'm going to go to this shop. No one's going to. I pass now on this show that I came up with. No, you're wrong. No, sorry.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gannon. We had no idea that you were going to do this ridiculous voice. So, B-C-A-N-G-A-N-E, and I've been in the game. No, we're going to get... Man, boy. Oh, shit. We're going to get Adrian Childs to do it. We're going to get a what child?

An alien child. An alien child. Stop it. You've gone character crazy. And what? No, this is... Now we're coming to the... This is $5.99.

I got it on eBay. So is it a robot or is it an alien? It's an alien that has to use a voice vocoder box thing. Okay, so what's his actual natural voice? What's he called, a gobble cock-a-lot-off? No, it's Mr. Alien. Is he Mr. Goggle-lop-a-lock-a-troid? No.

Cock-cock-gobble-overtroid? Is he called Cock-gobble-overtroid? No. Cock Gobble-Ova-Troid? Is he called Cock Gobble-Ova-Troid? The third. No. It's just Mr. Alien. Right. Anyway. So, that was one.

The next thing I got was was in the same behind it. Yeah. I thought it was a board game. I thought it was a He-Man board game but it's not. It was a Castle Grayskull Playhouse.

So, it's a plastic tubic frame. Looks like a tent. You pull this kind of vinyl over it or whatever you want to call it. PVC. I think you'd call it.

It looks like a dress for the frame. Like a tarpaulin. Yeah. And it's got Castle Grey School drawn on it and it looks nice. You know,

it's kids playing in it like I was saying to you used to have a TARDIS one when I was a kid. So this is going to be more likely to be complete but it is complete, you said.

It's complete. It had a bit of minor damage that I think was some glue blue. Blue glue? Super glue? Gorilla glue. Gorilla glue. I'm Gorilla Glue. No, don't do a character every single other thing.

Other thing. I was going to do Gorilla Glue like a spunk thing with that. Oh, really? So, for instance, I was like, I got tossed off by a gorilla the other day. He covered me in his gorilla glue. Talk about gorillas in the fist. No, Paul. See, there was a logical fallacy in the way you said that.

You said, I got tossed off by a gorilla. Yeah, that's true. And then you said he covered me in his gorilla glue. So he's coming. If it's mutual. I'm not. If you said, I mutually masturbated with a gorilla the other day in the zoo. I see where I went wrong.

He spurted his Gorilla Glue against the pane of his enclosure. Yeah. Talk about Gorilla's one off the fist. Oh, no. Gorilla's off the fist. Gorilla's off the fist. Oh, no, Gorilla's off the fist. Gorilla's on the fist. No, no, we've gone too far.

What was her name? Diane Fossey. What was her name? Diane Tossy. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's how she got the chimps to come back, isn't it? Oh, dear.

They knew they'd get their hand in it. Well, I apologise to the Diane Fossey. Their hand reward. We can't do this. We can't just have the gorillas wanking. I was doing a chimp. I don't know about you, but anyway, yes. Now, talking of going too far. Gorillas in going too far with the things we shouldn't have done.

Yeah. Yeah. I would just like to say sorry for last week. Yeah, you should. Where it was poo-poo out of bumhole. I just want to put poo-poo out of bumhole behind me, so to speak. Okay? I'm sorry.

I'm going to try and hold myself to a higher level of account all right on this i think you should i think it was a low point for you no more poo-poo out of bum hole good okay right so so this uh and then so you thought but what did you think when you saw this place that you thought i'm having that well no i wasn't going to get it online in the shop no i didn't what happened was uh i just said to Stuart, look at this, what I found. And he went, quick, buy it. And I was like, oh, yeah. So I was like, why?

And then I looked on eBay and there was one going, again, going for, not sold for, it was going for £450. Incredible. Incredible. And other sets had sold for much less. I will say this. The one or two that had been sold in. It seems to be going, one went for 60. 60, 70 quid.

So, I don't know where he pulled that number from. Out of his ass. Well, they're obviously very rare and desirable things. And like I said to you, there is a new... They're reviving the franchise. They are reviving those kind of games, aren't they? No, they're reviving the He-Man, the Masters of the Universe franchise. Oh, good luck.

Someone's doing a film. I think it's like... they're doing a film. All right, good. And so, you know, someone might want it. I used to watch that as a kid. He-Man? Yeah. Yeah, I remember watching it on and off.

It wasn't very good, cartoon. It's not the greatest, but it was to sell toys, wasn't it? Yeah. And you could make your own adventures. And my friend had a lot of the toys. Like Man of War, the one with the face that changes. Remember that? Did you ever play the adventure?

The face that revolves when you, do you remember that one? The face revolves, right? Yeah. It's like evil. Wasn that? Did you ever play the adventure? The face that revolves. Do you remember that one? The face revolves, right? Yeah. It's like evil. Wasn't its name just Two-Face? It's something like that. It's like all the characters with shit names.

It's like Beastman because he's a man that looks like a beast. And Lockjaw. And Skeletor. Yeah, big, hurty man. Man-at-arms because he had guns.

Yeah. And what's the name of that wizard bastard? The little wizard bastard. Orlo. Orko? Yeah, Orko. Orlo. Orko? Yeah, Orko. Orko.

What a prick. The snarf of He-Man. Yes. The new shmoo of He-Man. Anyway, I'm going to try and sell him. And that's one for the cognoscenti. Remember the new shmoo? No.

You don't remember anything. I do remember stuff. Such a young'un. Right, here's on the next part of the intro. I wanted to talk about this because I found it. Is that it? That's it, really. Master of the Universe 10. And, here's on the next part of the intro. I wanted to talk about this because I found it. Is that it? That's it, really? Master of the Universe 10.

We're going to try and flog him, I reckon. Wow. We can put the money towards... What a find, though. Yeah. I'm going to hopefully put the money towards maybe the Amsterdam Cheap Show adventure. That'd be great. I have never found anything. Yeah, but you don't really look.

I've found a few records that maybe are worth 10 or 20 quid more than what I pay It's just weird that I've randomly just bumped into some quite unique things even in Cambridge some of the board games I found there were crazy cheap Well you've got a real eye, you're a good collector of board games I've got a proper eye There's nothing funny about that

Nothing funny about anything Before we move on to the rest of the show I wanted to just do one more thing When we did DigiL, I met a lady. I'll pull her name up now. Lisa Marie met me afterwards and said she had something she wanted to give me for Digi and for Cheap Show as well. So I'll just show you the Digi things first,

and then I'll read out the letter that she sent. Wow, what is this stuff? This is stuff she's made. She's made for – well, is for digitizer have a little look at these and tell me what you think paul has handed me three tablet shaped objects and they're about the size of a kit kat maybe they've got a stickiness to them it's because of the resin that she's used these are they're in the shape of they're actually made out of game boy carts i see now i can see now these These are modified Game Boy carts.

And this first one has a beach scene on it and has the sea and has lots of shells, actual shells. Yeah, it's cool. In epoxy resin on it. And this is meant to be like, this mesh is like a fishing net. Yeah.

That's nice, isn't it? Nice touches to it. That's a good little thing, isn't it? Yeah. And another one here, and this has got... It's a bit more kind of eccentric. More of a more kind of a stream bed yeah like a stream bed but it's got cogs in yeah and little pebbles i like like pebbles and then the last one which some would say is the most impressive here has a butterfly this is impressive a little metal butterfly mounted on

a flower yeah and uh little bits of grass and stuff and shells. They're kind of nice, aren't they? It's interesting. Decorative game boys. I want to put them on the digidesk when we do the next series. That's the plan.

I want to save them for that so they don't get damaged. She talks all about the process. First of all, I hope the real plant parts don't become discoloured after a few days. They're the things

that she's put on them. I dried them and covered them in a silica gel. That's how you're supposed to do it. In past experiments, some plants, especially the hydrangea flower,

like to turn brown for no reason. They still look pretty, though. Well, it's not no reason. They don't like to turn brown for no reason. I mean, don't be a dick. All right. Well, they turn brown because they oxidise. The cot just can be a little...

That's the reason. And it's not anything to do with what they want. It's just what happens. Shut up, you boring, hairy fart. Oh. The cot just can be a bit sticky because of the slightly undercured UV resin in combination with the moisture. You can place them in the sun for an hour if it really bothers you.

No, it's fine. They made her a polymer clay, which was baked in the oven. And then she proceeded to sand everything because the mold I made of cheap air-dry silk clay and potato starch left me with uncertain plans. So there's no real Game Boy cartridge in there? No, no, no. It's literally the mold, yeah. So,'s no real Game Boy cartridge in there? No, no, no. It's literally... It's a mould. It's the mould, yeah.

So yeah, that's kind of how she did it. However, she did also make something else which I think you're going to enjoy more. Because that's for Digi, I think. Okay, yeah. Have a look at these. These are for you. Hand me some earrings. These are pickle earrings.

Yeah. And they are very well realised. You could mistake that for a very small cocktail gherkin or cornichon, as they're sometimes known. Those are fantastic. Yeah, she made those

and it's probably the same process. A little miniature jar with a cork lid of pickles in there. Isn't it great? I love that. Can I have that? Yeah, they're for you. That's the whole point, isn't it? Can I that can I have that yeah they're for you that's the whole point

isn't it can I put it up there yes we'll take some pictures though remember first she said she was cautious about bringing these along

because she was worried about the quality and a bit embarrassed that she couldn't produce the cleanest work seriously

I mean I prefer those and it's not just because I'm into pickles but these are this is much more of a sort of realistic finish on these

yeah nice texture to it. She's done a brilliant job. So Lisa Marie, thank you very much for those. Thank you very much. And also one last thing. These pickle earrings, I mean, I could save these for when I've got a lady in my life and I'm ready.

It's really special. Hello, darling. Will you be my pickle love? Because I don't have pierced earrings. No. Or ears. Or ears. I love.

Do you have pierced ears? No Did you ever No never Toy with that No A lot of kids in our street Did do that

When they hit about 14, 15 Trying to be cool And you just thought That's not for me You look like fucking bros Those are fantastic So yeah Thank you Lisa Marie for those

And one last little thing This came in a bag From Digi Live as well But I can't remember Who gave me this But this is to be sent on to you. Oh, mate. Again, it's more mini things.

Mini noodles. Mini noodle keychain. Oh, I need a new keychain as well. Look, that's my keychain at the moment. Describe it to the listenership. It's a picture of a naked man, spread eagle, pulling his bum cheeks apart and going, happy birthday, Eli.

Well described, Paul. Exactly right. These are fantastic. There is one shoyu noodle, which is taller. There's two, both main types of cup noodles. You have the taller ones and then the more flat disc-shaped one, UFO stuff. Oh, sorry. And then what is this?

This is... It looks like a little kind of train. It is a rollercoaster car. Yeah, like a little rollercoaster car. But with a face. That's brilliant. Yeah, like a caterpillar face. That's brilliant.

So you've got so many things for your collection of interesting items. Should we put like a... We should take a picture of that. Yeah. And put it up so people understand what we're dealing with. We need to someday go way back, way back in the time machine to when we did Unclickables.

And we used to bring in your little things from the shelf. Itys of Tat. We have a museum we can open now. Can I just say, Paul, now that we're on the subject of things that we're going to do. Yeah. Mike Elanious' bucket of crap is developing. It is.

And it's going to be a sort of subsection of... The platter. The platter section of the show, where I'm going to put all my worst novelty, comedy, one-hit wonder, terrible 80s mistake records... Up your arse. No. I'll just tuck him right up your arse.

I want to see a video of you jamming records up your arse. No, you don't want to. Like a bike wheel in a rack. That would be hurty-hurty time. And you sitting down hard on it. They could only do it once. Sitting down hard on a record in your arse. No, you don't want to. Like a bike wheel in Iraq. That would be hurty-hurty time. And you sitting down hard on it. They could only do it once. Sitting down hard on a record in your arse crack. No.

Sitting down hard. Why is that? No. And then I'll pay you money. Paul, just because you thought we were getting all too serious and we needed a bum arse wank stroke. That is what I was thinking. Yeah, let's do that.

You can't just say whatever I'm talking about at the time and say put it up your arse. All right. What are you going to do with these then? Go on. What are you going to do with these records? They're going to have a bucket. They're going to go up your arse, aren't they?

There'll be a bucket. And you're going to... No. No? No. Okay, there'll be a bucket. A lucky dip mechanism. All right.

Whereby you... You bend over and you say Paul you reach in I put a blindfold on yes I shit in the bucket and wank on it and then I shove it in your face whilst wanking I shit in a bucket

yeah and I go then I dunk your head in it and it goes Paul Paul I've got the dribbles on like that the dribbles

the dribbles ooh the dribbles ooh's got a scabby one-er? Who's got... This was my fault. It was your fault. You started me off. I was fine. This moment was definitely my fault. I'm sorry. Basically, it's going to be

a lucky-dip mechanism where you pick a bad record. Out of your arse. No. I reach into your arse. I give up, Paul. You promise? I said poo-poo out of bumhole was behind me. Well, it was. More ways than one.

No, because it's lemonade comes out the front, isn't it? Yeah. Around the corner. That was you checking out of your own gag, then. Chocolate's made around the corner. So, we're going to do the records, then. Go on. Let's just wrap this up.

Well, you've fucking taken the wind out of my steams. My sails. Yeah, that's... Let's just wrap this up. Well, you've fucking taken the wind out of my steams. My sails. Yeah, let's just end it here. All right. That's just not the way to do it. Do what? Start this section. No, you've ruined the section.

You've ruined it. I can edit it any way I want. Let's just start it again. Welcome back. Hello. Welcome back. You didn't go anywhere. All you hear was a five-minute little link sound effect.

Now you're here. Five-minute little link segment. Five-second minute. No. Oh, no. I've lost the... I'm not doing the podcast today. You do it all by yourself. Okay, I will. Paul. I'm not in the

podcast, remember? You're going to talk to me on your own now, mate. Okay. Hello, everyone. This is Eli Silverman. Now, welcome to a section of the show that we like to call you. Silverman's Platters. I thought you were not going to slay anything. Slay? I'm not going to slay anything. Slay?

I'm not going to slay anything. It takes the fun out of my voice. It's not funny, is it? Is it? It's not funny, is it? It's not funny, is it? Shut up. I'm tired. Oh, you are tired.

It's infecting me. Is it? Yes. We need to do something to perk up. What should we do? Have a sip of tea? Got any cocaine? I once smoked a whole mile of it.

You smoked a whole mile of cocaine? Smoked a whole mile of... Was that a different mile of cocaine Smoked a whole mile Was that a different Yeah it was a different event The next day What about that time Doris McSquid came by And this time she was riding a cow And the cow

Was it armoured No Why Because this was a Completely mechanical cow From the future It was a robot cow Yeah

Terminator Isn't that a thing Right Good Good Paul Good And you see the sequel Terminator Moo Yeah, Termunator. Good, good, Paul. And you see the sequel, Termunator Moo. Termunator Moo. That's got a ring to it, it has to be said. It's got a ring to it, hasn't it? Paul, the other one.

I've got jokes about cows down pat. I have. This show's great. Right, we're doing Platter, the part of the show where Eli goes, I bought this. I think it's good. And I disagree.

And I just want us to have a little moment of contemplation, Paul, for the patron saint of Silverman's Platters. Oh, who is that? Mr. Clyde McFatter. McFatter, Clyde McFatter, who owns the platters that matter. He certainly does, and he, yeah. He's a real person.

Was a real recording artist. Yes. In the what period of time? I think he spanned from the 50s right into the 60s. Oh, fair enough. And what was his type of music for those who... Starting with the R&B sound, 50s R&B. Boogie woogie. Yeah.

Jump jive sort of sound. And then probably going into more rock and roll and early soul. Nice. So, with that in mind, what are we doing today on this week's edition of Eli Silverman, TM, is Platter, TM, trademark, copyright, presented by the spirit of Clyde McFatter. Clyde McFatter, in the spirit of... Today we've got one of the worst records of all time, Paul. That's a big claim considering some of the ones we've had on the show.

Yes, but I think this is really up there, don't you? Yes. I'm just going to go grab it so we've got something to record. You've got to go grab it. Remember when I kept saying before we recorded, I'll bring it in. I'll bring it in. And then now he has to go get it. Now we're recording. So with that in mind, it's time

for another one of Paul's impromptu, improvised songs that he sings while waiting for Eli. Like... for Eli. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do it on the internet. Who's the artist? Joy Sarnie. That's not a real name. Joy Sarnie. Sounds like one of those cafes you see on the pier where you want to get a sandwich. Well, for me, Joy Sarnie

is, you know, really good egg mayonnaise. Yeah. I like bacon, egg, and HP sauce. Joy Sarnie, and this is Naughty, Naughty, Naughty by Joy Sarnie.

Hang on, Joy Sarnie. I've got her information here. She's coming up. Oh, she's from Liverpool. Yeah. Right.

Shall we play a little bit of it right now? Let's have a little bit of it right now. God help us for what we're about to play. Thank you. To the day of a late at night His sole intention is to get me on my own And I know the games he wants to play Oh no you don't Oh no you don't That ain't the way to do it

That ain't the way to do it That ain't the way to do it Oh no it ain't Oh no it ain't No it isn't No it isn't No it isn't No I try I can't avoid him

Every night He's waiting down by the sea Fuck me, that's terrible. Yeah, that's right. That's off-clenchingly bad. If the tune had just been a sort of straight song with the naughty, naughty, naughty and her going back and forth, it would be pretty fucking bad.

But no, they decided to couch this monstrosity in what can only be described as a cod reggae backing track. Do you know what I mean? Which is already the worst kind of music, that kind of watered down cod reggae sound.

Think about it. Sitting down, we need to write a song based on the famous long tradition of having a British tradition of on the beach you have a little puppet show

and it's Punch and Judy it's a man it's ancient yeah he beats his wife listen let's just find out

before we go deep dive into Punch and Judy Joy Sarnie born Joy Crabtree is an English female pop singer best known Crab Sandwich

Joy Sarnie Crab Sandwich Crab Tree Sandwich Sarnie Crab Sticks but anywayarni crab sandwich. Crab tree sandwich. Sharni crab sticks. But anyway, best known in the UK for Naughty Naughty Naughty in 1977. Certainly is. Yeah, and best known is like being kind, isn't it? Yeah, best known.

Only known. Infamous for. Yeah. Sharni was born in Liverpool and started out as a folk comedy performer in the Liverpool trio, the Crab Trees. And didn't the Crab Trees have something to do with the well, it's the same movement, isn't it? That spawned Billy Connolly and Jasper Carrot.

What, like Skiffle or something? No, it's all the folk scene around that time. There's a lot of comedy folk. And sort of folk that turned into comedy. You're thinking of the Scaffold and bands like that, aren't you? You could say that it was the same sort of thing, wasn't it? There was a lot of comedy folk around.

Thank you very much for pulling your pants down. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much. No, it wasn't. Billy Connolly was like in the Grumble Weeds or something. No, it wasn't the Grumble Weeds.

It was the Grum... Something like that, wasn't it? Oh, fuck. Every time I bring this up in a pub conversation, it comes out naturally. Oh, did you know

he was actually with Eric Clapton or something like that? Yeah. Something like that. Grumble Bums. Yes, that's it. And then he started doing musical tours,

and then he started doing more stand-up in between the songs. And this would have been the same era. So all I'm saying, it's that kind of scene. Isn't it? Anyway, he was in the mid-60s with their brother Hal and Derek Marsden. The Crabtrees performed at venues all over Merseyside, and their act embraced traditional, contemporary, and humorous songs. She sang with the Mickey

Jupp band. I don't know if that's a reference or something I should know about. The song Naughty Naughty Naughty was a naughty love song between the singer and Mr Punch and reached number 26 in the UK singles chart. Wow, I thought it got higher than that. 26 is high enough when you think about 26 being good back then. Yeah, but still

not even top 10. A follow-up single called Angling for a Kiss was released in November 77, but failed to charge. Oh, no shit. It remains a one-hit wonder, and it was released by Alaska Records. Alaska, kind of nice label on the 7-inch. You've got a picture of a polar bear. All right.

So, again, people outside the UK may not know what's so weird about this Mr. Punch character. You've got to remember, you've just heard a horrible reggae love song between a woman and a puppet with a horrible voice, because that was the tradition of Punch to have that voice. That's Punch and his voice. And it's produced with a little sort of whistle thing that they

put in their mouth, isn't it? It's a little kazoo thing, isn't it? Yeah, the rest of the tongue. Very traditional. And Punch, of course, comes from... Well, I can read their tongue. Very traditional. And Punch, of course, comes from... Well, I can read you now if you want. The Italian... Oh, Punchobello or whatever it is.

Yeah, which was part of that... What's the Comedia dell'arte? Yeah, the Canaverdi clowning. Which was the tradition in the circus clowning tradition in Italy, wasn't it? So it's really old. It's like a thousand years.

Well, here's what it says on Wiki. Maybe not a thousand. No, it's not a thousand. You just wank. Punch and Judy is a traditional puppet show featuring Mr. Punch and his wife, Judy. The performance consists of a secret of short scenes, each depicting an interaction between two characters,

most typically Mr. Punch, and one other character who falls victim to Punch's slapstick. So it could be a baby, but also there's a police one comes in. A crocodile sometimes comes in, doesn't it? It steals the sausages. Yes. Or the baby. I like it when yes it steals the sausages yes or the baby when the crocodiles do but that's where the phrase

slapstick comes from because mr. punch's stick would to slap was a slapstick all the physical comedy yes you see the various episodes of punch comedy often provoking shock laughter are dominated by the clowning of mr. punch

the show is performed by a single puppeteer inside a booth known as since the A punchman. I did not know that. And assisted sometimes by a bottler, who corrals the audience outside the booth, introduces the performance and collects the money in the bottle. A shill, yeah. The bottler might also play accompanying music or sound effects on a drum or guitar and engage in back chat with the puppets. So, you know, like Roddle and Emu. It's a classic set-up. Or Matthew Corbett and Sutty.

Yes. Isn't it? What's that, Sutty? You can't, Sutty, no. But the camera's... Sue has got an order against you, Sutty. Sutty, we can't do this. It's not professional, Sutty.

Sutty, no. I can explain everything, Sweep. He never, we can't do this. It's not professional, Sooty. Sooty, no. I can explain everything, Sweep. He never got caught up in the yew tree. No, I don't think he did. We're not going to bring the Corbets into a fucking kiddie fiddling. I went to see one of my earliest theatre experiences was seeing the Sooty and Sweep show live. Was it amazing?

No. It's that thing. But we went to see it in the theatre, you know? Yeah. With Matthew Corbett doing it. Yeah. Anyway. That was a thing.

Imagine how the innocent times you go to the theatre. They're still there. They're just different now. It's like a West End theatre, you know? Oh, no, but they still do that. It's like when you see these kid shows go on tour and they do big shows at the West End. I don't know. You know there's loads of those kid shows and they have big puppets on the stage and they pretend.

Sesame Street will do it every now and then yeah but anyway things like like Teletubbies you get Teletubbies live I bet don't you and stuff like that

yeah they would have done definitely in the time the Punch and Judy shows have roots in the 16th century Italian Comedia dell'arte yes

dell'arte thank you I've said this no you're right the figure of Punch is derived from the Napoleon stock character of Punchinello

who was anglicised to Punchinello. He is a manifestation of the Lord of Misrule and stricts the figures of deep-rooted myths. Punch's wife was originally known as Joan. The figure who later became Mr Punch made his first recorded appearance in England on May 9th, 1662,

and is traditionally reckoned as Punch's UK birthday. Aww. And then, restoration period, it became a big boon. King Charles II took the throne, replaced Oliver Cromwell. So what this all is sort of leading me to think, Paul, is if this hadn't been... Oh, a swazzle is that thing he puts in his mouth. A swazzle, yeah, yeah.

Transmitting the cackle. It's like speaking through a kazoo, it says. Now, it's such a sort of culturally um entrenched thing yeah punch that if this record hadn't come out it's like almost you could invent it so it's the perfect concept for a novelty do you see what i mean it's like when you know like all of all the duck brought out a fucking song with keith harris it's that kind of thing it's like they could have it's like any novelty song yeah but you usually don't have a novelty that is such an ancient story. Do you see what I mean?

No, but she doesn't even talk about... She's not Judy in this. Judy doesn't show up on this record. No, she doesn't. He just goes, naughty, naughty, naughty. Basically, from the lyrics... That's the way to do it. That was the big thing, innit?

That's the way to do it. That's what he said, yeah. He must have said naughty, naughty, naughty as well sometimes. Yeah, very probably. But basically, the lyrics of this song is he wants to bone... Mr. Punch wants to punch... Joy Sharni. Yeah, he wants to...

Punchinella wants to fucking give it some to Joy. And she don't want it. And it's all a bit rapey. It's not really. It's not. Why are you defending Punch? I'm not. I'm not defending him.

If any character from folklore is a rapist, it's fucking Mr. Punch. It's horrific. He beats the baby up. That's child abuse. He tries to kill the baby and chuck it out. Why do you think he wants to do that? Because he's a monster. Because he wants to bone Judy in peace.

He's evil. I mean, can you think of one character that is more typical of toxic masculinity? I can't believe we're talking about Mr. Punch and toxic masculinity. He's... I mean, this is weird. I don't want to have this conversation. He's a scumbag who beats women and policemen and crocodiles. Okay, so he's more of an all-round scumbag.

He's a violent scumbag. I will definitely agree with you that when it comes to violence on men, women and children, he is a horrible human being. He's not a human being. But I also think he's an incompetent, clownish character. There must be something. But I always was struck as a child watching these and when I've caught

the shows as an adult, Punch and Judy shows, that how violent he is. Yeah, he's very violent. But I don't think there's anything sexual in that at all. Okay. I mean, look, I've not seen

And it's become a trope, isn't it, in sort of terrible horror films and stuff that he has been used. And he's similar to Jack in the Box, isn't he,

if you think about it? I don't think Mr. Punch has been used in a horror film. I saw one. No, did you see one in the 80s? Was it called Funny Man?

No. And it had like a jester and Christopher Lee in it. No. Was that good? No. It was like the British version of a Freddy Krueger movie. These people go to a castle and this jester comes and kills them all one by one. No, this was like a fright fest. It was like a feature

a few years back. Yeah. It's like a sort of British deliverance sort of thing, but there's a punch sort of bad monster and he speaks like that yeah that's the way to do it yeah it's a really was one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life in terms of quality inbred or something uh it was yeah well I'll put a link to the trailer for that if it's online yeah it I maybe it maybe just has a punch like thing and so I just don't understand when they sat down to make this song they they were like, okay, so what should we do?

What's popular? What will get us into the top chart? They must have thought the reggae was big. It was. Oh, no, forget reggae for now. Let's forget reggae just for now. The idea of saying let's build a pop song around Mr. Punch, was there anything like that at the time?

Were there any other songs that were coming out that were like, oh, British fish and chips or British stuff? Well, there was a lot of that type of thing yeah at the time that type of thing yeah but not specifically like 77 so what it's the height of disco it is the height of disco so they made a reggae track no and it's the height of bob marley's fame is it so it is that it's the moment when reggae has crossed over totally but someone just thought let's put a really polite looking white lady singing reggae to a naughty violent hand puppet yeah it's pure novelty from

16th century restoration british you know what i mean it's like i don't understand its concept it's really bad it also goes back to sort of the disco duck record a bit because that was a puppet and a yeah disco there's a there have been records with before of course with puppets and what about the there was the flowerpot men as well that was a record wasn't it pinky and perky pinky and perky but they were the artists they were the artists though well he's an artist on that punch he's an artist releasing songs around this time as well he was he must have been yes so maybe it was just that wave of well and also you've got you you know, Orville, as you mentioned. Yeah, that was a bit later, but yeah.

You wouldn't, basically, Paul, what I'm trying to say is you wouldn't get any kind of novelty record like this these days. No. I mean, no, actually... It was for the adults to enjoy as well as the kids. Maybe not these days, but remember like Crazy Frog and all those kind of fucking songs? Similar.

Yeah. You know... But this sucks. But remember like Crazy Frog and all those kind of fucking songs? Similar. Yeah. But this sucks. I mean, outstays its welcome by the end of him saying naughty, naughty, naughty for the first time. By the end of that first chorus, you think. That's the joke. I got it. Please leave my eardrums.

And the video on YouTube, which is taken, I think, from Top of the Pops. It's ridiculous. It's awkward. Basically, they couldn't, I think, from Top of the Pops. It's ridiculous. It's awkward. Basically, they couldn't get him doing, performing it. No. So they had to superimpose it into the corner of the screen. Superimpose a different punch. Why couldn't they?

They didn't have anything to hide the punch man behind. My theory is they thought it was going to be even more ridiculous having a woman singing this surrounded by inflatable balloons whilst a man hiding behind a booth pops up and goes... He'd pull focus for a start. It'd be like having Blobby on set. It would pull focus, yeah. And what if he whacks her with his slapstick?

Yeah. Would you want to be whacked in the slapstick on TV? Would you want to have your slapstick whacked on TV? Depends what the fee is, you know. It's £1,000. Well, you need to pump that right up for me to get my slapstick off. I will.

I want to see a higher fee for my flat. £5,000. Now we're in the area. £5,000, late night TV. We're in the ballpark. We'll whack your slapstick off on TV.

And then what happens then? Nothing. You do it in a bucket or something. And do I? I'll tell you what. Can I be armoured? No, we're not having you armoured. Can I have an armoured slapstick?

Think of the noise. You waving your slapstick around while you're covered in armour. It'll be a right clattering. It'll be a clankening. No, it would not be a clankening at all. It'd be a right clankening. It'd be a Victorian... That's what you could do, a spin-off.

Victorian Clankerman. Oh, you could do your voice, can't you? Oh, governor! I don't do a voice You do your little urchin voice That's not a voice It's a fully formed character that lives inside my mind And then you could do a character Clankerman of the future

Clankerman 2019 No, that's not Is that how he'd sound, Paul? Yeah, maybe 2999 Now, I want to score for you for this platter. It's low. It takes two things I don't particularly like,

which is bad reggae and Punch and Judy shows. Yeah. And puts them together. In a horrible way. And then makes it jaunty and awkward and tiring. And I feel sorry for the woman. I feel sorry for the label. Yeah, it's for the woman. I feel sorry for the label. Yeah, it's a terrible record.

I feel sorry that it got to 20. I feel bad that enough people bought it that it went to 26. It's a real low point, man. I feel bad. Just in general. I know, but... This song is just bad. This really is a kind of song you could use as a torture.

Yeah. If they're in solitary confinement to play over and over again. Imagine that. Yeah. What was the B-side? Have you heard the B-side? I didn't bother. It's a very...

It's called Letter of Love. It's just a really flat sort of folk love song. You haven't heard it, so how do I know? I did hear it. When? You just said you fucking didn't. Do you want to go and fucking listen to it right now? No, because that would involve just getting up and doing stuff and you want to go and fucking listen to it right now? no

because that would involve just getting up and doing stuff and interrupting Rogan who's trying to mind his own business as we record another podcast in the house of pickles pickles?

pickles I would give that we've got some pickles here because we have to I'm going to give it one out of five platters I'd say 0.5 I don't like it

nothing at all are we allowed to do 0.5? do what you like 0'd say 0.5. I don't like it. Nothing at all. Are we allowed to do 0.5? Do what you like. 0.25. 0.25? 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.1. You don't need those zeros in front of the decimal place.

We're doing maths now, aren't we? 0.1. The zeros come after the decimal place if you want to make it smaller. Dot 0, 1. Okay. I want it 0, 0, 0, 0, dot 0, 1 out of 5. Okay. Dot 0.6. I want it zero zero zero zero dot zero one out of

five dot zero point six. Thank you. And what's more, I never want to hear it again though, because I edit

this podcast. I have to hear it a few times. You have to hear it a few times. And thanks for bringing it in today.

Do you think Punch and Judy's popular still goes on? It probably is actually. I can imagine in some towns like Bath. But don't you think they would have's popular still goes on? It probably is, actually. I can imagine in some towns like Bath... But don't you think

they would have said, look, that's just not right. He's beating his wife. Isn't there people who just go, this is just not... But it's tradition, isn't it? Back in the days

when you could beat your wife with a slapstick and everyone would laugh, especially impressionable children who see Mr. Punch's very brusque ways of solving an argument. I suppose he does get

his comeuppance always. There's that aspect. Because doesn't he always get eaten by the crocodile? Yeah, he gets done. Over. He gets arrested. He gets beaten up. Think about it.

He's the original edgelord, isn't he? He dresses like a prick. He's a boozer. He treats his wife badly. He's got the red nose because he boozes it up as well. Yeah, that's a good point. He beats kids. He beats up the policemen.

He has experience with crocodiles. And he's obsessed with sausages. Does he like the sausages as well? I think, to be honest, mate, you're fighting over...

He loves his sausages and he doesn't like it that the crocodiles got them, which is why it comes to a head with some tragic circumstances. But we all know

that when Judy finds out from the policeman that he's not coming home tonight, she was happy for the first time in years. Yeah, do you know what I mean? That's what I mean. And she goes, don't worry, little baby. Daddy's not coming home.

And they all live happily ever after. And the policeman marries Judy. And he gets a promotion. Disco duck. And he solves the crime of the century, a jewel heist. And Doris McSwerter's there. Stop saying Doris McSwerter when I'm trying to drink tea. That's the only reason why I do it.

Anyway, that was our platter today. Now, it's time for the third care package from the States. Yes, it's like a trilogy of episodes. They sell one unintentionally. Yeah. But it's become like... a trilogy of episodes, this. That went unintentionally. Yeah. But it's become like... It's just an organic thing. That's how it happened.

But... But... Big but... And I cannot lie. No, don't do Sir Jamalot. All the other brothers can't deny. When I see a girl with an itty-bitty waisted around thing in my face, I get stung.

Ah! Ooh! Big bums full of shit. Poo-poo out of bum hole. No, don't. Don't say that. It's going to be a T-shirt. It's going to have your face on.

And as you open your mouth, there's a big turd coming out. And it says, poo-poo out of bum hole. Eli J. Silverman. And your address and phone number. No. Yeah. And his phone number is 076... Bum hole.

Are you done? Now, big poo-poo out of bumhole. Good. See, it's funny, isn't it, when people say that? I can't get away with it. When I do it, it just sounds laboured. It's just not funny, I know. It's just not funny.

You're labouring the poo-poo out of bumhole. But when you do it, it's like gold. Why? How do you do it? I don't know what to say to you, Paul. How do you do it, Eli? Paul, you just have to... It has to be something deep inside you. Yeah.

That you put voice to. Yeah. Like a deep look inside you. Yeah. What's a noise you like making with your mouth? Spoff. Yeah, okay. Now, how about this for you? This is like learning with a teacher. This is goodness.

How about you slip this in? Slip this in. I want you to surprise me with it, though. Eli's MasterClass. And this is just... So, spoff. I've got spoff. Yeah. Now, this is just a suggestion.

Right. You could go... Yeah. You could say, spoff my Josh off. Okay. Okay. Let's have a try. No, but just slip it in, all right?

So, I'll get on with the segment. Yeah. Which is what people are here to listen to Right okay And then you Lightly sprinkle Some Spoff your Josh off in

Yes At an appropriate moment At an appropriate moment I don't want to hear it straight away Alright I'll do me best Now We've had care packages Spoff me Josh off

I did it wrong didn't I You did I did it wrong dad didn't I Now fall Yeah. I did it wrong, Dad, didn't I? No, Paul. Yeah, Dad. I'll try again, Dad. I'll try again. I'm not your real dad.

Now, Paul. Yes, Dad. I still call you Dad because you brought me up like your own son. It's because I do things with your mum. I heard you. You heard us putting the veg in the oven, did you? It's always the veg, isn't it? Isn't it, Dad?

Mate, we've got some marrows. Son, we have some marrows. We're going to rack up a big gas bill. Oh, the gas bill's going to be through the roof. It's going to be high. My mum can't keep up. She says it's one day after another. Aubergine, cucumber, mango.

Mango? Where does she put it? In the oven.. Aubergine, cucumber, mango. Mango? Where does she put it? In the oven. Yeah, she puts it in the oven. Is it a smeg oven? Is it a smeg? Hot point. No, it's a Zanussi.

Zanussi! It's a Zanussi oven. And she always bends over and picks up the heaviest marrow. She puts it on a baking tray and she slides it right into the oven. Large vegetables. Now, Paul. And then she says, I bet you can't guess what she says, Dad. What does she say, son?

She says, oh, spoffed by Josh Offord. And scene. Well done. Well done, Paul. It's a good essay. Thank you. It's a good try. Now, we had Stuff for My sister Jenny from Trader Joe's.

Yeah. Then last week, Alison's incredibly impressive care package. Sweetie baggage. This is from Georgia and Drew. Oh, you know what? I've always got Georgia on my mind. That's good. I'm on fire today.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. you are Yes you are Now Spoff my jock off Please stop Please Paul Okay Can't rain it

Please Alright I behave I'm sorry daddy I'm sorry daddy Can I call you daddy No you can't Is that anything I don't want that to happen

We're coming up to 150 And we need to reboot So I'm going to say From now on I'll be clear Yeah I don't want that to happen I can't

call you big daddy silverman no come on big daddy now paul they've been to yeah uh the the washington dc virginia maryland area okay are these friends of yours relatives they certainly are friends do they know the podcast they do good i don't think they're avid listeners good but uh we've got some items here yeah that they've picked up they thought was bizarre. So let's just start with something which is very familiar to us, but I don't think we have tried these flavours before. Oh, there's more of them. You like these.

These are combos. Now, these are trashy pretzel-based stuffed pretzel pieces, for want of a better word. I'm going to spoff my Josh off. They turn up a lot in American airports, and they're sponsored by NASCAR. And I'll hand these to you, Paul. Tell everyone what the flavour these are. Combo stuffed snacks. These are pizzeria-baked pretzel made with real cheese.

I never know how to take that When I read it on American Packaging Yeah but what do you think is real cheese I think what the definition Must mean It contains milk proteins Proteins from milk that's what makes it real Whey or yeast

Not whey or yeast but yeah whey Crunchy pretzels Packed with spicy cheese pizza flavour. So what does that even mean? It must have tomato and cheese, which is a margarita. Give it a shake. I've given it a shake, and now it's time for the Huff Report.

Hello, Paul. Yes. Can I have your report now, please? Yes, I can safely say these smell like the stereotypical pizza snack. Oh, really? Do you remember in the 80s they had bits of pizza? The crisp bits of pizza? Oh, yes. Oh, mate, if we could get hold of some of those.

They don't make them anymore. They were little triangular-shaped pizza slices. But the texture was very much a quaver. But like a thin quaver almost. Yeah, basically the same. It's a sort of a maize potato, but it's been aerated, hasn't it, somehow? They were very nice, but the smell of those reminds me of that. Totally.

I've just got the half on and totally itsy bitsy, what they were called? Itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikini. What were those crisps called? Bits of Pizza. And the advert was, uh, Bits of Pizza, Bits of Pizza. Oh, he's gone right in for the bite. I've got to catch up, ladies and gentlemen. Bear with. It's fun singing out for that

pizza place. I'm in pieces for Bits of Pizza. If you're hungry, dive in. They're a real life saver. I'm in pieces for bits of pizza. You'll love the real taste of pizza in Walker's Bits of Pizza. If criminals is eating them in front of my face, he's in pieces for bits of pizza.

If I don't get walkers, I'm a hard-boiled head case. Walker's Bits of Pizza. You'll love them to bits. They do taste like pizza, but in a weird way that I'm not quite comfortable with. There's a very strong sort of oregano, herby flavour. You can definitely taste the ketchup. And the tomato sauce. And cheese. I mean, it's impressive, really.

It does taste like pizza. Yeah. Like those crisps that taste just like burgers. Remember we had those, but they had the McDonald's-y, pickle-y kind of. The Angry Burger flavour. Yeah. Those were corn chips. Those were good. Burger flavour. Yeah. Those were corn chips. Those were good.

Tackies. Yeah. Tackies they were. So... I like them. You like the combos, yeah? Well, combos by and large are filth. But good filth.

You like them. This is the kind of filth I can get behind. Well, you can have those to take away. Oh, thank you. I'm going to give those out of five because scoring is important. Three and a half. Not the best. I prefer the ranch.

I'll give them a three. Talking to the mic, please. I'll give them a three. Don't start this. Well, then stop not doing it. Stop not doing it. Yeah. I'm going to hand you another item here, Paul.

Oh, mate. Old-fashioned pork fatback. Oh, yeah. Wait. With skin yeah. Wait. With skin attached. You gotta have that skin. Pork crackling with skin attached. You gotta have that skin.

The crackly skin. Oh, mate. Really gotta have that skin. Here's the best bit. You know what's on the back? Oh, Lord Jesus. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3.16. Yes, this is a religious Paul Scratching product. Why would you find it appropriate to put religious text on? Because you need to spread the word of God. That's what you truly believe, Paul. But do you think God wants to have his word spread on fatback? He wants it spread anywhere. I'm going to have a sniff.

Paul, we're ready for the Huff Report. Smells stale in that way that these things do. What's your view on... Do you remember those lime and chilli flavoured pork rinds? Yeah. They were good, weren't they? I don't mind crackling. Well, that's what this is.

I guess so. It's just crackling pieces. It's just, oh, it's all the fat. I don't know, for some reason, right now, it's not working for me, this. Oh. You don't have to have any. No, I will, because it's not against... I don't know if I'm going to have one with a lot of fat on it.

Have a little thin, that thin piece. This one, this is fine. Those are not very good. I'll crack it up. Careful of your teeth. Carolina country snacks. Yeah. That is the plainest, most boring,

probably least hygienically packed scratchings. Well, God has sanitised it, so don't worry about that. God has pasteurised it. Oh, mate. I've had low-rent scratchings before. Those are the lowest-rent scratchings. Genuinely? Those are really bad.

It's been inspected and passed by the Department of Agriculture. What do you mean, like they shat it through them? Passed by them. Yeah. But it has very low ingredients. It's just salt and pig rind. So it doesn't have... Those ones that you're used to buying here. It's still deep fried, though, isn't it?

Yes. But the ones that you have usually here will probably have a lot of sort of sulfites and flavourings and stuff. Yeah, good. Yeah. So, I mean, that can be said. Let's just move on and give it what we would give it, that one. Oh, God, no.

0.001.01. Okay. Now let's move on to something you're gonna like paul yeah yeah now this is a brand that we discuss a lot because yeah they are a gummy brand oh hello and they're a gummy brand that specialize in making gummies that look like things that are not gummies right like burgers and pizzas are what they're known for. Oh, yeah. Trolley is the company. Trolley. If you had to guess what object they could move on to next.

After burgers and pizzas. I would, is it still food based? No. Oh, then it could be anything. Yeah. Tools. No. Almost there.

Stationery. Rulers and pencils and shit. So what do you say? Tools almost. Cutlery. No. Almost there. Stationery. Rulers and pencils and shit. So what do you say? Tools almost. Cutlery. No. Think clothing. Clothes.

Come on, mate. Are they dressed like... These are trolley Sour Bright sneakers. Oh, the little jelly sneakers. Yeah. Sour Bright. James Harden collector's edition. Yeah, I think he must be a famous basketball player.

Sweet kicks with a sour slam. Remix yours on Instagram. Triple, double berry, lime raspberry, lemon berry punch, and strawberry blackberry. Snack, snap, and share. I think those look good. They do look good. And I've never tasted a trolley sour.

No. So let's see what they do They bring anything new to that particular party Well the hoof To be fair The hoof is like very very sweet Like dish cleaner It smells very kitcheny Yes

And these are like two time sneakers Oh look at those They're quite I thought they'd be flat But they're actually three dimensional little sneakers Right I'm having one Quite nice They're alright Yeah They're not very sour I thought they'd be flat, but they're actually three-dimensional little sneakers. Right, I'm having one. Quite nice.

They're all right. Yeah. They're not very sour. And based on just this one flavour alone, which is the only one I've picked out, not very particularly strong. Haribo tend to have very, very strong, juicy flavours. Yeah, I like them. They're like the gum.

It's a bit like the gum, that sort of foam gum. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's not pure gum. It's a bit more of gum, that sort of foam gum. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's not pure gum. It's a bit more of a fight to chew. But nice. Mmm. Not complaining.

There you go. Mmm. Mmm. I like them. That's a three out of five for me. Yeah, solid three out of five. Solid three out of five. Yeah, very nice.

The bag continues, ladies and gentlemen, as we dip into the bag once more. What's he going to pull out? Let's find out. Now. Oh. These look like they've been passed. Oh, what are they? I'm going to pass this to you, Paul. What is it?

We've got one of these each. It's a corn lolly. I'm going to take a pic of this now before I eat it. It's a banana flavoured lolly. But it's designed to look like a little miniature corn on the cob. What's the fucking point of that? Let's take something disgusting and make it look like something that is also disgusting. Well, you don't like little miniature corn on the cob. What's the fucking point of that? Well, it's, you know. Let's take something disgusting and make it look like something that is also disgusting. Well, you don't like banana or corn on the cob.

Not fake banana flavour. That's what this is going to be. And it also looks like it's got a bunch of muck smeared on it. I'm just taking a picture now. Take a picture of it now. It looks like someone's pulled it out of a toilet. Like they stuck a toilet bog brush down to clean up some proper bangs and mash now you've got photos

so let's open these now I've got one it looks like bangs and mash on a stick oh let's tell you what the name is sorry these are called elatitos

elatitos elatitos by a company called berry is it yeah I think they might be Mexican hang on no wait

it looks as if pineapple flavoured that's a pineapple that's a banana no it's a corn it's looks as if it's pineapple flavoured. That's a pineapple. That's a banana. No, it's a corn, isn't it? It's a corn, but this says pineapple flavoured lollipop covered with... And then it goes on. I was wrong.

It's not banana flavoured. It's pineapple flavoured. Oh, mate. What? There's another secret to it, but I think I'll let you taste it before I say. But... It is pineapple flavoured lollipop. So I get to guess what the other flavour is, yeah?

Yeah. All right. It's smeared in something. Is that what it is? The thing lollipop so I get to guess what the other flavour is yeah yeah alright it's smeared in something is that what it is the thing it's smeared in just it's a pineapple covered with

and then you'll find out okay I'm not looking forward to this based on everything I've just been told it doesn't look great it does look like a shitty stick

yeah that's the face I was expecting tell the people It doesn't look great. It does look like a shitty stick. Yeah, that's the face I was expecting. Tell the people what you're experiencing. It's sort of like a... It's hard. It's like a paste. It's covered in this paste, which is brown. It's like thick red paste. Browny, shitty stick.

Is it tamarind? No. I'll tell you. It says pineapple lollipop covered in chilli. And I don't like it. That tastes of bum bum. That's a horrible collection of stuff. That doesn't taste to have any heat at all.

It's just sort of tart like lemony. It's like someone's dipped it in a sauce. Yeah, it's got almost a savouriness to it, doesn't it? I think it's tamarind, even if they don't say it. Oh, God, it's fucking horrible. Aren't you going to bite into the main bunny? I'll go there for you. I can't bear it.

I don't want to touch that again. Yeah, the centre is just pineapple flavoured. I bet that's quite nice, though. I quite like it. Oh. Oh. Wow, it's such a strong, it's almost overpoweringly pineappley in the middle. Really? Oh, see, now I want to try it just to see what that's like. Give it a bite. Go on.

Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? Oh, God. It's an intense sort of chemical pineapple flavour, isn't it? Oh, God, that chilli, it's hot. That is horrible. That is absolutely... I think I quite like it, and I'm not just being contrary. No, that's fair enough.

I can almost understand you liking it, but for all the reasons you don't like it, I find that unpalatable. It's got a kind of a toffee aftertaste, actually, that pineapple. Oh, I really don't like that. It's just strange, isn't it? The texture is kind of off-putting as well, because it's sort of this wet, slimy, on a hard centre,

you know, like a... No, it's just thick and it's horrible. It's gloopy on the outside. And it's chemically as fuck. Yeah. I do not like it. Okay, so that is Elotitos. That is going to get...

Pineapple and chilli flavour fake corn. Eli, I'm going to bring our scoring system into a mockery now by saying it's minus three points out of five. That is the worst thing. I know we've had stuff that's made me nearly vomit and gag before, but that's almost because I expect it to or the reaction to it. That didn't make you gag, did it? No, but this is ranked badly because it's a fucking abomination.

All right, let's have one other thing that's going to be bad like that. Why does it have to look like a corn on the cob, though? I don't know. Why couldn't it look like a pineapple? Yeah, you'd think they'd go for that. I don't understand the concept. No one can understand it. These are going to be similarly weird,

and then we're going to end with some things that I know you'll like. Okay, Paul? Good, good, good, good, good. Here, we're halfway through Georgia and Drew's hair package. It's been a mixed bag so far. Quite literally a mixed bag. It has been a literal mixed bag. Food products.

Now I'm going to hand you something that is kind of similar to the last item. Right, great. I'll put it in its original packet and hand you it. There. Have you had this one already? You've seen these? These look like red, hot, fiery wee-wees. Read it out for the ladies and gentlemen.

Fletcher's O's. Hot and salted tamarind flavoured candy. It's got a cool rabbit on it, though. He's cool. Let's see that rabbit. You look at the bottom right, left, right, left, bottom, right. I'm marching. Oh, yeah, he's like a space rabbit.

Space rabbit. He's cool, isn't he? Yeah. He's got sunglasses on. And he's from the future. He's the best fucking rabbit. Now, these He's got sunglasses on. And he's from the future. He's the best fucking rabbit. Now, these look like they're Mexican as well. Okay.

Four of them. I think flechazos means arrow, because it's like the fletching you get on an arrow. Oh, the felching on an arrow. The felching on the arrow. Do you know what? I put a photo up this last week, and someone said, there's going to be a felching joke. And you just did it. You didn't even make a joke of it, though.

You just said the word felching. I've not said felching ages in a way. No, but you've got... Because these are called flechasos. That's why you said it. Did you not even realise why you just said felching? No. You need to buck up your whole brain.

Oh, sparf my josh off. Okay, good. Well used. You're getting it now. Let me just take a picture of this before we demolish it. Now, these look like weird mutant corn dogs, don't they? They look like little red... They've got a plastic stick that's hollow,

also known as a tube, going down the middle of it. And on the outside, it's covered in tamarind paste. Red. Why? Why? Why this combination I mean I know it's a cultural thing I get it

I'm not against it it's just alright you're not going to like this oh great I've gone in everyone yeah that's unpleasant as fuck it's just a tamarind

oh god oh god oh god but that is the stuff that's on the other corn stuff isn't it oh god I quite like it it's similar but I think that is the stuff that's on the other corn stuff, isn't it? Oh, God. I quite like it.

It's similar, but I don't think it's the same. I think it is the same stuff. It's the paste that was on that last thing. Pass it. Pass it over here. I've had enough. That. It tastes a bit like mashed up apple, like applesauce or something.

Yeah. Yeah. I quite like it. It's disgusting. It's a bit awkward to eat it because it's smeared around the outside of the tube. Yeah, it's horrible. Everything about the experience of eating it is unpleasant. It's unpleasant to touch.

It's unpleasant to eat. It's unpleasant to smell. Not very hot, is it? No, it's just... Oh, God, Eli. I'm sorry, man. No, I'm all for experimenting and trying new things. Now, need I ask, but,

their chasos, your score, please. 0.010.46. Another low-scoring one, yeah? Yeah. Salt and chilli. Out of 20. I'll give it one and a half. Why?

I like it. I kind of like it. Fine. I wouldn't go to it. No. But it's okay. It tastes like fruit, you know. It doesn't taste like it. I kind of like it. Fine. I wouldn't go to it. But it's okay. It tastes like fruit. It doesn't taste like fruit. Salty fruit. It tastes like... It's a salty, fruity thing. It tastes like something you'd scrape out the back

of an old oven. And it's very tart, citrusy almost as well. Let's have something nice. It just burped and it came up. It tastes like vomit. Now, let's have something nice, Paul. Which again, started all the the punnery off online. Because these are... Whoopsie!

Fudge stripes. Fully fudged. Hashtag. They're by Keebler. Now, we've tasted these before. When we had a... Keebler brand sort of... What are they?

Cookies? Yeah. Was it with Ken? They're crackers. It was with Ken, wasn't it? It was with Ken. And we tasted their peanut butter ones. They had peanut butter and cheese ones, didn't they?

Yeah. And these are... They were all nice. I thought they were all good. Four cookies. It says whoopsie. Ken said, told us that Keebler is the equivalent of like a really cheap sort of brand. Yeah.

You know. It's like... It's traditional. It's a little post-ess, I'd imagine, even. But he's got a funny little man on the front cover, doesn't he? It's like,

he's almost like a leprechaun, but he's like a, not a leprechaun, he's a gnome. He's an elf, isn't he? So it's basically a cookie covered in chocolate fudge.

It's a ring cookie, isn't it? It's alright. I mean. Now, do you think they thought, whoopsie, five stripes,

people are going to think that, oh, it's covered in shit. Shall we make a sphincter on the cookie just to reinforce that? Oh, you could have gone with a lot of shapes with these cookies. Yeah, it could have been any shape. Whoopsie fudge stripes.

It looks like a dirty arsehole. It's a bumhole. It's a fudge bumhole, Paul. And now, what would come out of it? Poo-poo would come out of it. It would. He worked it in. Textbook.

See, this is the thing. You've got to go to the classes or you'll never learn from Eli, will you? I'm eating it now. These are evil. What, these? Yeah. Well, let's have a taste. I haven't tried it yet.

They're all right. It reminds me of a little bit like a... Chocolate-covered animal cracker. No, there's a snack bar. You know Cadbury's snack bar? Yes. I like those. That's why I like these.

Well, I like those a lot, but these aren't quite the same. I think the biscuit's a bit cheaper. The biscuit's a bit softer, isn't it? Yeah. The biscuit could have

a bit more of a crack to it. Crunch. A bit more crunch crumble to it. It feels very soft and a little bit... They're pretty tasty, though, aren't they? No, they're all right.

I like those. I'd give them four. And with a strong cup of coffee. Yum, yum, yum. I'm going to say two and a half for that, to be honest. Well, you haven't had a great run, Paul. No. In fact, I feel quite sick, I'll be honest with you. It's been quite a good for that, to be honest. Well, you haven't had a great run, Paul.

No. In fact, I feel quite sick, I'll be honest with you. It's been quite a good care package, though, hasn't it, in terms of content? It's been full of variety and surprises. And here, they've done a good job. They know what's good for the show. Georgia and Drew, last item. Just a bit of fun, Paul, to finish.

Candy taco. It's a candy taco. I gave a lady a candy taco the other day. Oh, yes? Oh, yeah. And what happened? I haven't thought it through. No.

I just don't know what a candy taco is, but it sounds like something. It certainly does. What I like to do to satisfy the ladies is... No, go on. I put one or two Haribo jelly bears up her lady's delicate entrance. And I go snuffling down there. And I get to enjoy the candy and pleasure the lady at the same time and I call it my candy taco.

No. And then I spoff my Josh off. Sold! I don't hear what you said before that, but Jess, we're definitely interested in this punch, this catchphrase. Give it to us once again.

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, yeah. So, I went... No, no, no. Just go straight to the catchphrase bit. Spoff me Josh off, ladies and gentlemen. You're yeah. So, I went... No, no, no. Just go straight to the catchphrase bit. Spoff me Josh off, ladies and gentlemen. You're signed! Cut to an advert for Nationwide Banks.

Do you remember that ad, Paul? The Kit Kat ad? The one with the band? Yeah. Where it's like, you're short, you're untalented. You're bad looking, you can't sing, you can't play. And then he goes, snap, with a Kit Kat and goes, you're gonna go far.

You're gonna go far. Well, was that the one with Paul Whitehouse in the video? Or was that a fast show spoof? A young Paul Whitehouse. Yeah, or was that the spoof they did? Have you taken a photo of the candy taco? I have taken a photo. I'll take a second.

Describe the candy taco. It is a taco made from candy. It's only that simple. But the actual taco shell, disappointingly in my view, is just a card. Looks like it's just a bit of cardboard to hold it in. It's to hold it in, and look at the candy in there. It's not shaped like lettuce or bits of

beef or anything. They haven't done the trolley way of actually replicating the contents of a real taco. Well, hang on. I don't think so. All they've done is stuffed all different types of jelly gummies. Well, they look like those straw't think so. Now, all they've done is stuffed all different types of jelly gummies. Well, they look like those straws. In a cardboard flap.

They look like gummy straws. Yes. Like the strawberry ones. Strawberry laces. Strawberry laces. Oh, I love strawberry laces. That's what they look like, though, isn't it, Paul? Or worms.

They're worm-shaped by raindrops. Enjoy the adventure. And we very much are. What adventure? Well, we opened it up we looked at it oh there's different shapes oh wow

fuck me oh my god the adventure I stand corrected wow there is an adventure happening there's a hidden treasure in this

candy taco it's a cornucopia of different there's jelly I've opened it up there's two tone gummy bears there's berries there's a medallion

gummy medallion that's a tomato there's a's berries There's a medallion Gummy medallion That's a tomato There's a pepper And there's a pepper slice Again two tone And a teddy bear Quite a few teddy bears And there's another one

There's a much better quality Than I was expecting And a banana Now let's We should taste these individually So let's get a string Yeah Get a string

I'll get a string Was that just two strings I thought there was more It looked like more strings Didn't it I'm going to have A bit of the string to begin with. Let's have the string to begin with.

Oh, no. It's fine. A bit waxy. A bit waxy. Let's have one of these green things. I'm having a green thing. Oh, a bit more of a bite to it. It's got a lot more of a bite.

Not very good. It's all right. It's standard for this kind of cheap candy. Yeah, but compared to like Haribo or even those trolley ones. They're better. I mean, they do taste cheaper. Don't get me wrong. These taste cheaper than the trolley. But at least they've got a bit of flavour, which a those trolley ones are better. I mean, they do taste cheaper. Don't get me wrong. These taste cheaper than the trolley.

But at least they've got a bit of flavour, which a lot of cheap candy doesn't. Let's have a gummy bear now. Have a gummy bear. I'm going to OD on sugar and vomit. It's got a foam two-tone gummy bear with a foam, yellow foam backing. Have you had a berry?

No. Oh, God. It's all quite nice, isn't it? Let's finish with a tomato slice. We can try these two, because these are the same, these two. Purple tomato slice. Yeah, fine. It's all right, isn't it?

It's fine. I mean, obviously, visually, they could have tied it all together. I can see what they were trying to do. There's quite a lot of sweets for one child just to have in one go. But not for Paulie. You're going to eat more of this? Paulie's going to finish it all. No, really? No, don't. You're going to eat more of this? Paulie's going to finish it all. No, really?

No, don't. What? What did you look at then? Well, I had a sudden problem where I suddenly realised what if this podcast has only ever been just me? And you're just like

Fight Club. You're Tyler Durden. Where's Eli gone? I'm here. I've always been here. Spot off, mate. Josh off. What a twist. Right. What a twist.

Right. What a twist, ladies and gentlemen. It's like quite good, then. And that is the last item. That is the last item, Paul. I'm going to give that one a three out of five. It was all right. It's fine.

Nice bunch of sweets here. I'm happy. A little taco shape. I like them. I'm going to have a normal one. There you go. Thanks very much. We'll be going back to a more normal food segment with Cheap Eats.

We'll be going back to a regular Cheap Eats. Which is our original segment, Cheap Eats. We have an off-brand brand off on the way as well. And that is another very popular food-based segment of our Cheap Show Pod Paul. So, we will mention this while we can. Will we? What will we? What I'm about to.

I don't know what you're going to say. Well, let me finish then. Well, I don't know if we will mention it. I'm going to mention it. You will. But I might not mention it. I don't know what you're going to say. Well, let me finish then. Well, I don't know if we will mention it. I'm going to mention it. You will. But I might not mention it. I don't want you to mention it because you'll get it all factually wrong. Well, don't say we then. I'm talking we as in the podcast.

That's not, that's, no. Why are you a bellend? Why are you? Why are you a dirty little... I've got tamarind, I've got chilli tamarind scloose on my covers. Right, so anyway, I thought we'd mention a few care packages of late sent by people who know us

Well, now we can officially reveal that Yes, I'm up for mentioning this, we shall I'm glad I'm allowed to Well, you need to just pass this through me They'll spoff my Josh off Right, so I will

What was I going to say? So I can announce Officially today that There is officially A cheap show Stroke digitiser PO box That we have now got open

For you to send us stuff You can send stuff to there And where is this PO box? I'll give you the address in a minute But I do want to say a few things I want to say a few things We I want to say a few things. We don't need noodles. I am.

And we don't need sauces. I know. I. Fuck. And we don't need lots of horrible food. We're interested in international food. Cheap food. Cheap international food.

No. No. But there'll be no need for noodles. No need for noodles. No need for sauces. No, Paul. No. No, no. No, no. No, no. This isn't noodles. No need for sauces. No, Paul. No. No, no.

No, no. This isn't now and this is not now. Now, not now. What? Now, not happening. I want... We want noodles. No.

Noodles? I don't... I can't believe you're actually doing this. Right? Noodles are a foundational element of this endeavour. But like most foundations made of noodles crumbly not if you put some epoxy resin in and then you can match it to the surface that is very true i like it when people link to that on twitter to us noodles yes but not just any old noodles okay we could have

some criteria if it's been featured on the show please please do not send it again. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Unusual noodles. Yeah. Things that you think. Not no noodles. Not no noodles. Sources, yes. No sources.

Why no sources? Because what if they break in the box and stink everything out? What if they, you know what I mean? Also, shut up. I don't want sources. Mate. Again. Send us interesting things you found. Do-doot. Do-doot. Do-doot. Do-doot. Do-'t want sources. Mate. Again. Send us interesting things you found.

Doot doot. Doot doot. Doot doot. Doot doot. Doot doot. Source report. Tyrant Paul banned Source from Cheap Show in a coup d'etat. Doot doot.

Doot doot. Doot doot. Doot doot. Source report out. See you on the other side of the revolution. We're going underground with the report. What are you doing? I'm going underground

Stop touching the mic stand you bellend Right Here we are Source report Underground edition Paul has turned against the source There must be something we can do Well

We plan to murder him But In the meantime Just go along with it Okay Let's climb out of here. Right, Paul! Spoff News.

This is our latest update. Known terrorist and source agenderist, Eli Silverman has gone underground. Police are looking for him, and they will shoot on sight if they see this reckless, anarchic, noodle source menace. This is Spoff News.

Freedom source report! Spoff News. Interrupting this dictatorship! And he ate a baby. Eli Silverman ate a baby on coke once. Was it? He was so off his head. The baby was on coke?

This is spot news. A baby on coke? Reporting the truth. The truth as we see it. Eli Silverman ate a baby. Can you imagine doing that? Eating a baby. Paul.

He took some cocaine at a party after a DJ set and he ate a baby because he thought it was, I don't know, a kebab. He must have stuck a baby in a cradle for a ke set and he ate a baby because he thought it was, I don't know, a kebab. He mistook a baby in a cradle for a kebab and he ate it. Do-do, do-do, do-do. So if we see this man on the street, shoot on sight.

That's the Spoff Report. Okay, mister. What can, what is acceptable? Can I just say sachets of sauce? Sachets, yes. Good, unusual sachets. Interesting sachets. That all wants attention, otherwise they're going right in the bin. I'm just say sachets of sauce? Sachets, yes. Good, unusual sachets. Interesting sachets. That all wants attention.

Otherwise, they're going right in the bin. I'm just going to say that now. They're going right in the bin. Look, you send me a picture of the sauce and we'll see. Well, I'd like as well. You have to send the data over to the Sauce Report newsroom and see if it's newsworthy. But you have to show it to them or else that's...

Bin. Don't put no sauce in the bin if it's a good sauce. I'm just hiring people for the period, just to cover the period, you know what I mean? The period. A busy period. I don't understand what you're saying. I've got people in just for the period.

You're on your period. No, I'm not on their period. You're on your period. Fuck me. Anyway, here's the information for the PO box. Send us stuff you find in charity shops. Maybe send us a small price of shite if you want to and the answer

is in an envelope. You could do that. I like board games but don't spend a lot of money buying a board game and sending it because that can be costly.

So, you know, be sensible. It's called Cheap Show. Don't go say I bought a board game for 20 quid because it's Noel Edmonds

wanks off a dog board game. Is that what it is? Yeah, maybe. Someone said we have played Noel Edmonds games, haven't we? Yeah, maybe. Someone said, we have played Noel's house party on the show

and you broke it. Don't fucking do that. I like that and you broke it and I've tried to fix it and I can't. Don't fuck... I wanted it.

I'll get you a new one. I don't want a new one. I want your fat, stupid, octopied-like hands for fucking being able to do anything without causing damage. No, you're starting to contradict yourself. What? How can my fat

octopi-like, like, I've got eight fingers instead of ten? No, they're all kind of just tenderly and fucking, like, Cthulhu-like. They're short and squat and sausage-like and tenderly. Yeah. Okay. At least these fat, clumpy hands have felt love, Paul. No, they haven't. Deep inside them. No, they... Oh, God.

No. Right, the P.O. Box is... If you want to send us anything, it is... Digitize a cheap show, obviously. P.O. Box 1271 Harrow HA3 3NS. That's great. I feel like going live. Yes.

You read it out and do it like that. So, if you want to send anything in, please do send it to digitizer forward slash cheap show P.O. Box 1271 Harrow HA3 3NS

That's HA3 3NS And if you want us to send something back, also mention that as well. Put it on a stamp-addressed envelope. Yeah, on a stamp-addressed envelope. I'm getting a bit of a sugared nausea. I feel really sick right now.

And you keep eating them. I know. Stop eating them. Pass the taco. Do you want a candy taco? What was it? You put some Haribo up a lady's chuff and eat them out. Yeah, but for you.

Is that a candy taco? For you, I'll put a Starbase right up and eat them out. Yeah, but for you. Is that a candy taco? For you, I'll put a starburst right up your bum hole. Ah, talking of old names. Yeah? Snickers. What? Have you heard about Snickers?

They're going back to Marathon. Yeah. Why? Because it's what they used to be called. Is it because part of this country's fucking plan to turn it back to 1976? Were they called Marathon in 1976? Yeah. They changed it in the early 80s or mid-80s. Don't you prefer Marathon as a name?

I don't give a fuck it's a chocolate bar It's like You had one today I saw you scarf one down Yeah but I don't buy it thinking Oh I hope it's called Marathon I'm so angry I've got this fucking point

I want a blue passport Fuck off I don't know how you There's a reason why there's a fucking Fucking moved on from all that And I don't give a shit about Snickers becoming Marathon Or people getting blue passports Where they'll bring back fucking It's a fucking fucking moved on from all that and I don't give a shit about Snickers becoming marathon or people getting blue passports

where they'll bring back fucking It's a Knockout and why Jimmy Savile isn't on TV as much these days and isn't it unfair that fucking Dave Lee Travis hasn't had his hit TV show

and oh oh oh remember the Grumbleweeds and isn't the fucking 70s great and oh god I hate fucking nostalgia

Paul even though this show is built on 90% of it I've run out of 1970s great. And oh God, I hate fucking nostalgia. Paul, even though this show is built on 90% of it. I've run out of patience with you. And really, let's just wrap it up. I'm not doing it this week. I'll wrap up your candy taco. Now, let's actually workshop this. What could a candy taco be that would be funny? Dum, da-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

Boom, boom, boom, dum. Ba-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Oh, girl, I love your candy taco. Delicious. No, just do it in rhythm. I do do it in rhythm. I'll come in and go, delicious. Yeah, all right.

Like Rico Suave style. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Oh, girl, I like your candy taco. Delicious. Oh, I want to get the snacko. So juicy. I want to fill you with my meat. Oh, smacky lippy.

And then I'll tickle you on your feet. Licky, licky, fanny, fanny. Oh, you got to let me know. Oh, juicy fruity. I want a candy taco. Should I stay or should I go now? No, no, no. Should I stay or should I go

now? You can't do it, can you? You can't just make up an original song. I've made up my original song. That's the clash of should I stay or should I go. Here's another song for you. Eli Silverman's a prick and he's always been one since the world has turned and Eli's a big hairy prick oh what about this one never gonna spoff my josh i'm never gonna josh my spoff never gonna josh my spoff off

inside you i'm never gonna jizz your mouth i'm yeah We're no strangers to sparf You know the goo And so do I Please stop Please Stop Just dribbly balance What we've got it going on

If you want to see any of the items That we've had on the show this week Any other guy Go to www.cheapshow.com feel my gland I'm gonna spoff my Josh off I'm never gonna Josh my spoff I'm never gonna Josh my spoff

inside you I'm never gonna make you cry I'm never gonna squirt out my eye I'm never gonna squirm till I die it's inside you but we appreciate anything that you can give thank you so much

Josh you off and never got a spoff never got a spoff we are present on we're present on all social media

outlets you can find us on tumblr and oh Josh I'm going to spoff on you in your face.

I'll Josh you all off in my mouth. And we have a Twitter handle. I'll finish off on a pair of your besticles. And Paul is on Twitter as well. Where are you on Twitter, Paul? Where are you on Twitter, Paul? At spoff off your Josh off

and never to spoff. I'll spoff on your Josh off with you. Oh, you've morphed into a different song. And don't you know I will spoff on your Josh off and never to spoff. I'll spoff on your Josh off with you. Oh, you've morphed into a different song. And don't you know I will spoff on your Josh too when I Josh off on your spoff off with you. That works better than the Rogatio. I thought so, yeah. That's it.

Let's fucking end this episode. All right, Jesus.