CheapShow - Ep 147: Tumpy

Episode Date: October 4, 2019

Who is Tumpy? That's the eternal question burning at the heart of this week's economy comedy podcast. Paul and Eli think they know exactly what this "Tumpy" is and you will have to suffer through what they create! If the idea of Paul and Eli creating anything new at all is shocking to you, then you may be (quite rightly) scared of the finale of this episode. It's a finale that involves Story Cubes, an overheard slur and a personal vendetta. Elsewhere, it's a clash of content vampires, misheard lyrics, weird "end of the pier" music and a surplus of way too many "new" characters. ​They do talk about "cheap stuff"too. Honest! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-147-tumpy If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Live from North East London. Oh shit, just... I'm trying to do something different. Live from North East London. It's the Cheap Show Podcast. From the House of Pickles. I'm your host Paul Gannon. And with me...

It's Eli Silverman. Hi everyone. It's the House of Pickles time. Look Paul. Yes. I've done shit in here. Is that what that big mound is on the floor? That Mount Gropp pants has been... I did a poo joke.

I did a poo joke and you completely walked by it. I want you to step into my poo joke. We're going to put all the poo, all the spoff, all the wee-wee. All of this stuff, right, is a component. It's only a small part

of the overall smorgasbord of delights and segments. Segments that we do, Paul. And I just don't think we should start the show this week with poo-poo. Give me that, give me that, give me, give me, give me that,

give me that's boff. Give me that, give me, give me that, give me that's boff. Give me that, give me, give me that, give me, give me, give me that's boff. I'm in a singy mood today. I just wanted to warn you. Why? I don't know.

Now. Oh, it's a source report. Pass me that sweet relish. There. Pardon? Pardon, sir? Source report, pass me the sweet relish. It's wee sachet.

Yes, give the sachet over. I'm holding a wee sachet in my hand. Oh, and it's a source report. It's a Heinz sweet relish? It's a wee sachet. Yes, give the sachet over. I'm holding a wee sachet here in my hand. Oh, and it's a sauce for a pot. It's a Heinz sweet relish. It's very interesting. I'll hand it over to the expert. Right, this is Heinz sweet relish. What colour do you think that would be? It's a green packet. Yeah,

it's a green... I hate this segment. It's a green packet. Now, Paul, this is Heinz sweet relish. This is as far as I'm supposed, prepared to go for this show. And for the integrity of the source report. I'm going to taste it. I'm going to taste some sweet relish right now on the source report.

That sounds dirty, doesn't it, boys and girls? Right. Here we go. Smell the huff of this. This is old relish. What do you mean old relish? Smell it. It smells very sour.

It's got a gristly kind of tang to it. It's like it's off, isn't it? Mate, when did you get it? Oh, a couple of years ago. Don't eat it. I'm going to. Don't.

Why? It's not why. You don't have to. It's lumpy. I don't want you to. It's a source report. And then next week's a source report.

Eli can't do this week because he's got the aggressive shit. Now, Paul. Blasting. Now, Paul. Hot liquid ass. Now, this was just my

the hook to get people involved with the source report this week because I've got some actual important source report news to report

on the source report okay yeah and that important news is why don't you sniff some lemsit while you're at it

I'm not going to sniff lemsit is it the little capsules you can break open you can break those open why would you snort lemsit why would you drink old fucking sweet relish you're at it. I'm not going to sniff Lemsip. Is it the little capsules you can break open? You can break those open.

Why would you snort Lemsip? Why would you drink old fucking sweet relish? Old sweet relish. Squeeze your sachet all over my lips. What's the big news? Crab bucket. Crab bucket. Paul.

Crab bucket, Paul. This show used to be about something. Crab bucket. Yeah. It's about sauce, mate. This bit of the show is about sauce. The crab bucket will be the receptacle for the sauce trough. Coming soon.

Now, to eat some of this old relish. Does that mean you're just going to vomit into a crab bucket every time you... No, I'll put on my sauce sachets. Look, we can both admit, Paul, you know, that the sauces have all got a bit out of hand here in the House of Pickles. The trough. The trough has sort of spread everywhere. There's sachets of sauce all adorning all sorts of places.

I haven't kept track of the sauce. And that is remiss of me. That is a problem that I'm bringing to the attention of the listeners in this sauce-tra-sport... You know what? Before you jump that down, I'm just going to put the credits in now.cerer's Sport... You know what? Before you jump that down, I'm just going to put the credits in now. Welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the pick up? The price of the site.

This is for guaranteed. Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on a nuzzle. Right, well, we're back and he's holding the packet. Look at this sweet relish. It's all lumps of green.

I'm really not enjoying that. I'm going to taste it. I might have to get the spitty tray ready. You might have to rethink your life decisions that led you to this particular decision. Paul, too late for that now. It's way too late for that now. I know, but let me save you.

Are we the Clarence that stops you from jumping off the bridge of sweet relish horror? Clarence? Yeah, from It's a Wonderful Life. Here we go, too late. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, that's not very nice.

That is not nice. I have had a very visceral reaction to this. Oh, God. It is too early for me to be close to Vop on this show. Some things, some things, Paul, to report from the Sweet Relish experience. I don't want a report. I don't want a report. It's off.

It's off. But it hasn't, you know, it's just gone a bit cardboardy. I'm closing my ears because I can't hear it. If I can't hear it, then I can't be affected. It has still some sweetness left, but there's an underlying kind of cardboardy sort of rottenness. Just talk to them because I'm not listening. It's a dryness. A dry, like dry damp taste underneath it.

Just touch my knee when you're done. A dry damp taste underneath it. And that's the source report. Thank you. I'm going to tap his knee. And back in the room. I don't know why I had such a visceral reaction to that. It's disgusting. It's all green and bogey like.

Don't go there, Kev. Come on, mate. You know what we need to do as a project? Rebrand this podcast into the lovely show. We need you to work on your gag reflex. It's getting worse. I don't know why. But it doesn't often bring you to work on your gag reflex it's getting worse the older I get

I don't know why but it doesn't often bring you to completion to full no it doesn't to full vomiting no you just sort of gag

and then you seem to be able to just control it not all the time but largely I can just shut everything down have you actually tasted some grim food on either this show

or digitiser and vomited I nearly vomited when I ate the earthworm on Digitizer. You ate an earthworm? Yeah. You're nicking all my moves. I'm not. It's just Biffo.

You are nicking my moves. You know that I used to swallow earthworms. Biffo's nicking it. I used to swallow earthworms. I've done it on this show. Oh, I wonder where you heard about that, Paul. You content vampire. Oh.

I am a content vampire. i steal vampire content from all the vampire content shut up i'm working it out it's all i am flying in i'm actually enjoying this voice i am flying in i'm a bat a kissy bat yes i'm a very kissy bat okay i'm flying oh oh i steal this idea from you soon there's gonna be like condiment condiment report or something you know isn't there there is a feature digitizer where we test sources oh fuck off i'm joking we don't we make noodles perhaps um perhaps i don't know you know paul, but I've been getting a lot, it's almost like a rising tide of outrage and just a demand from almost everyone. Do you know where this is going, listener?

I do. Let's let them, just let them get on with it. It's like a tidal wave of demand. People fucking asking me on the street, calling me up, emailing me. I got a parcel and it was full of poo. And it was like, this is pig shit. Bring back fat sow, it said.

And that's all I get all the time. Please, Paul. All right, if you can show me an email right now or a tweet that has anyone saying it. I'll read this to you right now, okay? Yeah. Okay. I don't know whether to smash the illusion.

I'm going to smash the illusion. He opened up his 3DS. I'm reading it from the 3DS. I get emails on whether to smash the illusion. I'm going to smash the illusion. He opened up his 3DS. I'm reading it from the 3DS. I get emails on it. You're right. Okay. No, that's legit. That's legit.

Dear Eli, I absolutely love you and the show and everything. There's the and er bit written in. Yes, and er. You can see. All right. He's pointing to a blank screen, ladies and gentlemen. On a 3DS. Yes. No, I'm going along with screen. He's pointing to a blank screen, ladies and gentlemen. On a 3DS. Yes, now I'm going along with it.

Please, please, please, please, please. Yeah. Please. Yeah. Please. Lots of pleases. Please. Yeah.

Don't do another one, please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Please. Please. Bring back Fatsal that's it that's all it says oh fair enough in that case I'm just gonna

open up my email on my phone and I'm gonna read an email here from Alan

Alan and he says dear Paul please please please please please

please please don't allow for any more fat Sal. Eli's ego is out of control. It's nothing to do with me, Paul. I forgot. What? Mate, okay, I forgot.

Hang on. Bear with me. I've got to pull this up. So, ladies and gentlemen, you may know. You're going to pull it up? No. Pull it out? The basic discipline, don't do fat Sal.

Is it winky winky out the toppy? Is it hello, Mr. Winky Hole? Hang on. Hello. Hello out the topppy? Is it Hello, Mr. Winky Hole? Hello. Hello out the top of the hole. Hello. Hooky round the flies. Winky Winky.

Hello. Well, okay, so... Hello. Shut up! Fucking hell! So, I don't know if you know this, but a week ago, there was a screening of Ashen's and the Polybius Heist. And a few select people went to go see the film.

And feedback and things like that yes so i was speaking to stewart uh about this about the test screening yes because i wanted to know how it went and oh shut up he says well went well everyone liked it thank fuck great um a couple of people disliked eli's character which is a a bonus. And then I say, well, what kind of comments were read? So he sends a few more. He says, someone said, it's an ensemble piece, not the Eli Power Hour.

I don't know what that means. He sucked the life out of every scene he was in. Oh, shut up. This isn't even real. And then someone else said, plays the same character, I don't know what the role. No, no one

let me see that this is a bullshit he was too short for some shots and then Stuart goes yeah you had to stand on a box for some scenes

yes I did what he's like little Tom Cruise Tom Cruise gets a like a he he wouldn't stand on a box Tom Cruise

do you know that he gets a what did he call it a box Tom Cruise do you know that he gets a what does he call it a trench yeah a trench a trench dug for his co-stars so they have to get

in the trench he doesn't get on a box for anyone yeah and that's what I'm going to do next time have my own trench all right

well that's great then that's not true no one said that and then someone said Eli's basically the Jar Jar of the Polybius heist that is not true

I've fucking got it here it's right here it's bullshit I'm going to delete the thread now oh yeah but anyway That is not true. I've fucking got it here. It's right here. It's bullshit. I'm going to delete the thread now. Oh, yeah. But anyway, they were the comments. So I'm shit. I was shit, was I, Paul?

Yeah, you were shit. Is that what they come up with? Everyone doesn't like you. You're the worst thing in the film. So, Paul, you've riled me up. You didn't do anything where you got your knob out. And the source report went well. But what have we got coming up on the show

today? Today we've got a little trip to Silverman's Platter and I think we've got quite a lot to talk about in that next segment and then finally

to end on we're going to go story time. So I've got another selection of story cubes from a charity shop for a quid so I thought

let's have a little creative story time. They've got different symbols than the ones we used before. Yeah, they're all travel-based, I think. Because the one that I got originally was just, it says, it just says Rory Story Cubes. But then this one says Rory Story Cubes Voyagers. Oh, so you get different kinds.

They're quite... Yeah, you can get little ones like Mystery, where they're all spy-based. They're quite well-made little things, aren't they? I mean, they're just dice, expensive dice, which is why when I see one for a pound, I don't mind. They must go for at least a tenner when they first come out. Oh, yeah, but they're quite nice, aren't they? They've got a nice weight to them.

Yeah, and they've branded them. It's a nice sort of fake ceramic. It's like Bakelite or something. Something like that. It's got a nice feel to it. It's good to toss in your hand. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

It's good to toss. It's good to toss. Remember that advert from the 80s? No. It's good to toss in your hand. Do you know what I mean? It's good to toss. It's good to toss. Remember that advert from the 80s? No. It's good to toss. No one's seen it. Yeah, it was a BT advert. No, it wasn't.

Do you remember that one where it goes, Spooge in my cuff hole. It was for a British gas, wasn't it? Yeah. It was like British gas. Spooge in my cuff hole. It was like a housewife who was at home yeah and

she's like oh I smell gas and then and then a guy turned up in a Superman hero suit Spooge in my cuff hole and so she bats it

Otter's pocket right and then that gets her £10 off her gas bill you know what I've lost energy now no didn't you

have a tales from the Dance Floor you wanted to do? I thought we were going to do Tales from the Shop Floor. I don't know. Let's just do with this one, see how we go. Okay. I've got a Tales from the Dance Floor, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand.

No, it's not, Fat Sal. It is a Tales from the Dance Floor. Floor, floor, floor, floor, floor, floor, floor, floor, floor. Drop the bass Boo No Right, there's no Yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh, yeesh

Techno, techno, techno, techno, techno, techno Yeesh Happy Yeesh See, we should maybe make a happy hardcore dance track. Well, that was a minute of the podcast. Sorry about that. I love that.

Yeah, last night, a couple of things happened. It's a smorgasbord. I was doing the Camden Blues Kitchen twice in a row this weekend. On the first night, which was Friday, there was these strange women at the front of the stage cheering and pointing at me. And I thought they could be cheap show fans, or they could just be nuts, or they could be looking at someone else. It was quite dark, and I had to do my job.

Well, they imagined another person on stage. There were other people milling about on stage, I mean, musicians and stuff. Yeah, setting up. Yeah. But turns out they were cheap show fans. How did you know? On Twitter.

So why not give a shout out? Why don't you give a shout out to the poor desperate people who went all that way to see you ignore them at the Blues Kitchen? Which is probably what you did. Sav. Hi Sav. At Savvy Rooks. Ladies and gentlemen, by the way, this is the first time Eli

supplied content via social media for this podcast. It's good, isn't it? And she tweets Finding Eli Snowde at the Blue Kitchen. That's good, isn't it? And she tweets Finding Eli Snoyd at the Blue Kitchen. That's a different place, love. Yeah, that's where Eli eats his chunky sauce. Kitchen electric blue. Yeah. Chunky cheese sauce. Blue cheese

sauce. Chunky, chunky cheese sauce. They do blue cheese dressing. What are your thoughts on that? You hate it, don't you? Oh, I like blue cheese dressing. You do? Yeah. Maybe we should try to do our own homemade blue cheese dressing. Oh. No, no, no. I've got one.

He's dead. I've got a blue vein. Get that zombie out of here. I've got the blue vein sauce. Get out. He just won't die, Uncle Grumbly. Zombie Uncle Grumbly. He won't die. Willie, apologies if we made you feel uncomfortable,

but we really enjoy your comedy. Yeah. And DJing. Oh. From the couple at the front that kept pointing and smiling at you. So they were like, thank you, Sav. It's nice to know that they probably know the podcast well enough not to approach you on stage.

Maybe there was a bit of apprehension about coming up and saying hello because I might go, fuck off. Fuck off. And then all of a sudden they're like, show co-host is cunt i did reach a sort of new level of nasty last night but anyway that's uh at the end of this oh well ladies and gentlemen we're going to go to a new level of nasty the first thing that happened yeah is filthy the first thing that happened is on friday on friday, because I play, there's live bands, of course, at the venue. Often people will say, when's the next band on?

Or when's the band on? You know what I mean? Yeah. It's perfectly fine. It's a perfectly legitimate question. I tell them when the band is on. Half an hour, love. Yeah.

10.30. 10.30. I wish it was sooner. Yeah. Because I could go fuck, take a piss. Buy the bins outside and get told off by your boss. I don't, that doesn't happen anymore. Because I could go fuck, take a piss. Buy the bins outside and get told off by your boss. I don't,

that doesn't happen anymore. No, because you got told off by your boss. Mate, it's gone so downhill, that neighbourhood. Everyone's, there are people taking shits

by the bins now. What, in Camden? Yeah. Oh. It's really bad. Because that venue next door shut down.

Yeah. This is a venue, the one that was next door, has a award for excellence in the urban environment, in the built urban environment, an award, and they shut it down. Yeah.

Just because of tax or whatever. The pub on the corner is a fucking Fender, total corporate Fender guitar shop. Piece of crap. Terrible building. That's where that pub used to be that we used to go to. That whole little micro-neighborhood has completely died. It used to be quite buzzing, you know what I mean? And now people are taking shits, basically, by the bins.

Great. You know what I saw where I have to fucking do my break? There was a fucking rubber glove. What? And some human shit. Yeah. And gone?

Yeah. What's been going on there? Bum egg removal processes. That's what I'm thinking. Someone had to carry around with them a glove. Whatever. It's just not cool.

Because they knew at some point in the night they'd have to pull some shit out. It's the rise in homelessness and it's this fucking government. Anyway, we're not getting into that. Politics, but it's a good point. Yeah. Even as someone like me,

who hasn't lived in London all their life, and I moved here in 2001, even I've noticed a massive change, certainly in Camden's identity. Yeah. And there was a protest, because the HS2's going through Camden. Chris Packham was there saying, they're cutting down what little greenery there is left in Camden.

It's a terrible stuff. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we're dangerously close to politics in this podcast and talking seriously. Now, so. Can I just interrupt them before we go any further? Spoffy old cum load. Now we're back. Right. Now we're back.

So one little thing that amused me Yeah First little story This girl gets on the stage And she goes When's the next person on? Right I was like

What? You mean Banned Yeah She was like Yes banned No she was asking you She didn't turn to the crowd dancing

And ask When's the next person on? So I just It amused me I laughed in her face Alright good Nice Do you mean banned?

What did you mean? You went You pointed at her face And went, ha ha ha ha ha? No, I just cracked up. Alright. Trying to go, yes, how can I help you? And she was like, where's the next person on? Maybe she meant DJ. Maybe she thought you were shit. She meant banned. Nah, she meant you. So when's the next DJ

on? What person? Well, the next story probably has got a little element of that. Yeah. Right. So, last night I start DJ. First song, I often start with something mellow it's the beginning of the night people are still eating their food no one's gonna dance no one's getting up and fucking dancing no one's dancing no one's you know it's just a bit of a mood music get people in the mood get them ready get them going little thing in this game marvelous little thing

get them going yeah so the first song starts playing. This girl immediately gets on stage, comes over and goes, Is there going to be any dancing? Oh! Whoa! That's a bit much. Salty. Yeah.

Is there going to be any dancing? It's like, well, dance. Yeah, go on. You started off. Do you know what I mean? She said, can you play something louder? And then you're like... It's the first tune.

It's not actually out of your hands, though's not no for one thing yeah no how dare you also you are the party you bring the party with you yeah everywhere you go you always bring the weather party with party you know is there going to be dancing it's down to you it's down to you isn't it it's you make the first move. Well, that annoyed me. That annoyed me. Yeah. And then last night... Someone shat in your record box. No, a girl came... And left a little rubber glove on. A girl comes up and she goes,

oh, I don't know if this is really this kind of place. And I was just... What does that mean? What did she say? She said, oh, I don't... You know, I know it's not really that kind of place, but... Okay, so she's about to ask for something. Yeah, preface to...

And I cut her off immediately as soon as she said that and said, well, don't bother asking for it then. Oh, salty. Yeah, this is what I mean. But it's like, oh, I know you're not really going to... And so it's like, let's just leave it there. I'm not going to do it. What did she say?

No, she kept... I kept... Oh, God. She goes, I know this isn't really this kind of place. And I said, okay, don't bother asking for anything then. And then she said, but will you... And I said, what, are you going to ask, are you? No.

I was going, no, no. It's going gonna be a no so you're such a prick in so many of these stories i don't know how it is but i think you see yourself as the hero and you're not you're the person who's ruined someone else you're not and she was like no i was like no don't ask don't ask and she's like but okay reggaeton I was like what's reggaeton it's that really it's that music it's kind of like Latin

reggae hip hop you'd know it okay no I mean that's fine but I'm saying it's not a particular song it's a genre it's a whole genre

of dance music that's interesting I mean you might have played that towards the end of the night sometimes you play a bit and I get fired you've played reggae

at the end of the night reggae is a completely different thing reggaeton oh it's a different I'm going to play play a bit. No, I get fired. You've played reggae at the end of the night, though. No, reggae is a completely different thing. Reggae Tom. Oh, it's a different thing. I'm going to play you a bit. Yeah, reggae Tom. Not reggae Tom. I thought there was a guy called Reggae Tom who made reggae songs.

I can smell a character. I'm not doing it because I can only imagine. Yeah. I'll get you drunk, man. What about Uncle Grumbly? Zombie Grumbly plays Reggaeton. No, we can't mash characters together like that. I think we should.

No. Anyway, look. He's dead and will only come back when I feel it's funny. I just want to play you a bit of Reggaeton just to show you how... I look forward to hearing Reggaeton. How totally inappropriate the whole thing is. This is Reggaeton from... Reggaeton.

No. It's Reggaeton. You ready? Reggaeton. You ready? Yeah, Reggaeton. inappropriate the whole thing is this is reggae this is reggae tom from reggae tom no it's reggae tom you ready reggae tom you ready yeah reggae tom it sounds like Coldplay. Yeah. It's sort of Latin pop dance music. But wait for the beat to drop. Oh, I'll have to wait for the beat to drop. So it's got that dancehall. Yeah.

That beat is like dancehall. That's the reggae bit. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. No, you're right. It wouldn't work. Also, so hang on. Also, Paul, it wouldn't work, but also, shit, isn't it? Yeah.

But really, though, who is Reggae Tom? Fuck off. There is no Reggae Tom. So do you think I was over nasty? Yes. Well, she said it. Look, it probably isn't that kind of place. No shit, it isn't that kind of place.

Have I played one single tune in the last two hours from, you know, after 1975? No, I haven't. No, I know. No, I haven't. No, I know. No, I haven't, sweetheart. So, look. Perhaps I shouldn't use terms like sweetheart.

Sweetheart and love. Really, like, belittling terms. Yeah, maybe. Sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. Let's start the show. That was Tales from the Dark.

Don't you think the show has started? You hate me, does it? What are you going to say? I said this with more hateful stories. You had hateful stories. It wasn't hateful. Built on hate. What about the? I said this with more hateful stories. You had hateful stories. Wasn't hateful. Built on hate. What about the

girl who said, when's the next person on? That was funny, was it? No. All right. Paul,

Paul, Paul, I went to the shop just now. No, no, no. Because we're out of sugar. Don't do that. Do not do that.

We're out of sugar, yeah? Yeah. So I was looking. They've got loads of white sugar. But the brown sugar, those packets. Demerara. Demerara. Yay! very well done

Demerara Demerara No you know what That tickled me considerably Ladies and gentlemen And I'm Cockahoop Oh it's a fucking peak moment here on Cheap Show Wow

I'm going to take a little metal picture Click There we go Demerara Demerara Now Wow I'm going to take a little metal picture Click There we go Demorera Demorera Now We've peaked See you next week everybody

It's dark in here now Yeah I know Oh you've got a new lamp I've got new stuff don't I I do have a new lamp Yeah It's good Could you reach over and turn my other lamp on

I'm Reggae Tom No i thought you weren't gonna do reggae tom i'll do a reggae tom no don't please don't all right well i'll give him another accent then oh i'm reggae tom no i'm reggae tom please leave i'm reggae tom. Please leave. I'm Reggae Tom. Reggae Tom. Listen, you can't do music in here because, you know. What? Teen Yeti. Oh, I bet you. Did you hear about the court case he's doing? Teen Yeti?

What do you mean? You've not heard about this? I heard on the TMZ website, that showbiz website, that Teen Yeti's going through what do you call it litigation litigation litigation he's getting litigated on

with that movie that's just come out Abominable mate I know I didn't want to bring it up but you know it's about a Teen Yeti he is a Teen Yeti but he's got none of the hard edge that Teen Yeti's been none of the hard edge that real teen yetis have been through. No. Are the scribbles in it?

Have they nicked the scribbles as well? I don't know. Well, look, I'll be going and checking it out and reporting back to teen yeti, because you know we've got quite close. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if there is any kind of skiddy-eating organism that eats poons, skiddies, even if it eats spoff.

If it sucks spoff out like a butterfly. Spoff is like a butterfly. No, spoff is not like a butterfly would eat your tears, you know? No, I've never heard of a butterfly that eats tears. They do. Besides, it would drink tears, wouldn't it? Yeah, they would drink it with its long kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I like your tears I like sweat as well

oh poo poo shut up they do anyway I'll be reporting back but anyway so yes you're right

Teen Yeti is in but I've heard it's tore him up because it's like it was meant to be like his life story and they took the script and changed it

made it an animated feature it's like Bigfoot and the Hendersons. It's all over again. Again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's misrepresenting Yeti culture. Well, hopefully we can get a... It's misrepresenting the snowman world and sanitising it.

As you know, Team Yeti's are from the streets. He is from the hard streets of Mount Grotpants. You know? He had to fucking build Mount Grotpants up from his, you know... Grassroots. From the grassroots. Yeah. And anyway...

He's seen strife. So he also is in litigation. Yeah, it's hard that word, isn't it? Litigation. He's litigating. Yeah. He's suing. Yeah.

And that means he is especially sensitive about music going on in the House of Pickles environment. And he might have to send his bodyguard. Oh no. I think he's tread carefully. You've set him off. He's coming. Look.

Just fucking go through with this. Here we go. He's a hulking figure. He's hulking over. Another one man show moment from Eli Silverman. Hey. Now. Hi. Hi there. Yeah. So. over. Another one-man show moment from Eli Silverman. Hey, uh, now, hi, hi there. Uh, yeah. Uh, so, uh,

I, uh... I am not looking you in the eyes, Jordan. I, uh, I was, uh, I was monitoring the, uh, my bank of monitors that I, I monitor. Uh, and I heard someone say something about reggae. There can be no music, no artists in this place.

Oh, I'm reggae, Tom. Now, listen here. I'm Freddie Goon. I have permission from the estate. I'm reggae. Actually, your voice is quite nice. Yeah, I'm reggae, Tom. It sounds like Vicky's the cat.

I'm going to change it. I'm feeling a hardening. There's a hardening going on right now. Oh, I don't know why, but it's hardening. And you know what? On a twist, little twist in my character, I don't get hard downstairs no more. I don't get hard downstairs.

I get hard nips. Now I get hard enough. I think that's a fundamental character change flaw, and I don't think you should do it. I think you'll be betraying everyone. Well, you listen to me, young man. Me? You're be betraying everyone. Well, you listen to me, young man. Me? You're talking to me now. No, you listen to me, young man. Yeah.

I can't control where I get hard, whether it's downstairs, in the basement, or if it's in the mid-range clothing area of the department store. I'm still not convinced this character works, Eli. I'm just going to say that now. Well, I've got very hard in the mid-range area. Yeah. I'm just going to say that now. Well, I've got a very hard in the mid-range area.

Yeah. I've got two hard-like, bullet-like points of hard steel. You know what? Poking through my shirt. Just don't do anything. Do you know what, Mr. Goon? Yeah?

When I hear about your body parts hardening, you know what happens to me to hear that? What happens? I start agaping. Things agape. They gape open.

You got the... I'm gap Agape. Are you got some... They gape open. Are you got the... I'm gaping wide. Have you got... Right now, I am agape. Maybe you could put it like this. Yeah. I am wide downstairs. You've left the fire exit wide open.

Oh, yeah. In the basement. And everyone's running out. Yeah. You've left the fire exit Wide open Oh yeah In the basement And everyone's running out Yeah Right Okay Now Right

Just no more music Alright It's a protected area It's a copyrighted area House of Pickles I can assure you There'll be no more reggae Tom You have to get a performance license

Yeah If you want to perform Any kind of music Original music In this whole environment. Okay, all right, that's fine. How about I just burn down Mount Grotpants? Is that a threat?

No, it's a question, isn't it? Is that a threat? What if I burn? If I go and order this on tape recorder, the tape recorder, I'm wearing a wire. Seven minutes and we haven't done the record yet. I'm wearing a wire.

Yeah. I'm just warning you. Everything's been recorded. The wire is nestling between my... Yeah, but don't worry because this is a podcast and I'm recording it anyway. Right, I'm just asking a question. If, for instance, I knew

that Team Yeti was at home and I burned his home down, then I don't have to worry about that anymore. I'll be going back. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Think about it this way, Goon. Shh, shh. What?

Yeah? He dies. The value of his record goes up, Elvis style. We can make a bit of money if we cap him. I'm not hearing this right now. I'm not hearing this right now. I'm going back in there. I can pay you more than him.

Let me tell you one thing. I can pay you more than him. I don't take bribes. And I'll make you hard anywhere. I don't take bribes. Mate, I'm just saying. It doesn't make me, it only makes me hard when you're not cooperating. If I gape any wider, I'll fall onto the stool.

I'll fall down through it. The stool will fall into you. It will fall up into me. That's how wide I am. Seriously, think about it. My action's totally dropped. Think about it, Mr. Goon. Me and you, we can make a lot of money.

I will consider it. We can kill off T-Yeti. I will consider it late at make a lot of money I will consider it We can kill off Team Yeti I will consider it late at night Yeah And it might cause a heart attack A heart attack Yeah Downstairs

Okay Well I'm going back now Alright Okay I've got your number Alright I'll call you My nips are like little bullets

Just think about it That's all I'm asking My nips are drilling through My t-shirt now Team Yeti's past his peak creativity So we'll be doing him a favour Well well well Well you can all say All sorts of stuff All sorts of things Team Yeti's past his peak creativity, so we'll be doing him a favour. Well, well, well.

Well, you can all say all sorts of stuff. Why are you saying Northern? You can all say some stuff. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Hey-o, I'm Mr. Freddy Goon. Causing hardness. Hardness. Hey-o.

Goodbye. Well, the plot thickens. He's such a hulking great man, isn't he? Yeah, and he's very erect. All sorts of erectness in places you wouldn't even expect. He tried to walk past the radiator, made it sound like he was putting a bottle down the... Ah, fuck it. Washboard. Yeah.

Like playing a washboard. Let's try it again. He's hard all over the place. Yeah, and when he tried to get past the radiator to leave the room, he played it like a washboard. Thank you. Is that alright? Yeah, it wasn't good. It wasn't worth it. He had a big dick. Right, the plot to leave the room. He played it like a washboard. Thank you. Is that alright? It wasn't good. It wasn't worth it.

He had a big dick. Right. The plot thickens. Now. Let's start with the platters. It's time for Silverman's Platters. Yeah. Paul.

And unlike on recent episodes, I have actually sourced the platters. Yeah, it's nice. It makes a nice change. Now, we're going to start with Yeah. Little something my flatmate picked up in a charity shop. Do you want me to do the pee for you? I'd like to start with a little something that my flatmate picked up in a charity shop.

Now, this is by the M&O Band. It's on the Creole label. Are they a big name by and large? No, absolutely never heard of them ever before. Oh, right, okay. Could in fact be the only thing they ever did. Oh, that's a shame, mate. It's on the Creole label,

which is a yellow and brown fade. The label is both colours. A gradient. A gradient. They fade into each other. Creole, what are they? They were British, and I think that what they mainly specialized in was

putting out r&b disco sort of records from the american market and reissuing them into the british market oh so it was like licensing yeah but they also have strange stuff like this which is strange instrumental stuff and now this is a single by em and o band let's do the latin hustle is it their song no eddie drennan i've got the eddie drennan version so eddie drennan's the original guy who wrote the hustle no he had a single called yeah the latin hustle and the flip let's do the latin hustle so it was a knockoff of all the popular hustle tracks it was definitely a version of the hustle we can go into more detail but actually, if you just want to go to YouTube,

look for Todd in the Shadows and he does a video on the Hustle. Van McCoy's The Hustle, which is the biggest disco sort of crossover hit of all time. So check that out

if you want to know more. But there was all sorts of Hustle tunes that came along. One of them was the Let's Do the Latin Hustle. Yeah. Which is a bit sort of a tautologist

because disco kind of comes from Latin sources in the first place. Comes from Latin in the first place and the Hustle of comes from Latin sources in the first place and the hustle has a very Latin influence it's like saying oh it's the Italian pizza

yeah exactly well it's a bit like that yeah but what interests me better than my washboard analogy yes

that was didn't work poor very poor that's not the interesting side of this single for me

the A side let's do the Latin hustle the interesting side for me is the flip which is called switchback, let's do the Latin Hustle. The interesting side for me is the flip, which is called Switchback. And let's listen to a little bit of Switchback right about now. Thank you. So yeah, it is a, I think as you said, it sounds almost like a TV theme.

Yeah, but it's got a kind of plaintiveness to the melody, which I enjoy. A little bit Hill Street bluesy. Yeah. Which is strange because- It's a bit melancholy. There's a sort of slight melancholy which I like I think adds to it and it's got that fantastic

moogie bit moog solo bit which it has a sort of again a radio phonic orchestra kids kind of

hitchhiker's guide and a bit like the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy which was a little bit of that it's got a little bit of that tune

wasn't it famously the journey of the sorcerer something like that it's called that is you know what have you ever seen anyone

play that on the you know like there's a few videos on YouTube of people playing it on a banjo it's beautiful that track well they were very

accomplished musicians the Eagles weren't they yeah I mean there's a lot of people who think the people themselves are horrible but the music they made were good

but I don't know too much about the Eagles it was the height of cynical LA culture in the 70s when they were doing all of that. Okay. It was all a bit sort of...

They were like the oasis of their time. Yeah, the peace and love had totally gone out of the... Music. ...by then, you know, and it was just very slick. It's adult-orientated rock. I don't care for the Eagles that much. You know, you can see it's good. The thing about the Eagles is,

because their songs are so long, they were great to time out pre-rec shows when I was working for a radio station. So they were useful. Six minutes, and I can't put two minutes on. Oh, the Eagles are six minutes and 15 seconds. They're really useful. We'll talk about Oasis, all the tunes on Be Here Now.

About five, six minutes on. I can't believe how terrible that one that's a rip-off of Hey Jude is. Well, yeah, what is it? All Around the World. Wow. All Around the World. Yeah. All Around the World. Yeah, nine minutes. Fucking terrible.

And it feels like it. And then there's a reprise of two minutes at the end of the album as well where we get that again. More than two minutes. I think Noel Gallagher's even said that's the album you make

when you're arrogant, on coke, and no one says no to you. Yeah. Because that's exactly the album you make. Indulge and wank. Disastrous. But that Hitchhiker's Guide to to you. Yeah. Because that's exactly the album. You make indulgent wank. Disastrous. But that Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy song.

Yeah. Was it the actual Eagles version that they played on the soundtrack? I don't believe it is. No. I don't believe it is. I think it's a bit more electronic sounding the one they did, isn't it?

Because it doesn't sound like the Eagles. They're not known for their synthy stuff, are they? But I like that switchback by M&O Band and it says produced by martin and owen um sorry murphine and owen so that's the m and o are as well you can see in the bracket it says murphine and owen so that's who the m and o are yeah so it sounds like to me like they're like session plays because the two songs are so drastically different yeah they must be and

it's very library music-esque isn't it and it's teetering on easy listening sort of lift music almost, isn't it? So imagine selling that. But it's got something to it. I like it. And it's that sweet spot for me in between library music. And also, I love the obscurity of it. It's just a tune they obviously just did because they had to put something on the flip of this single.

It's like, yeah, no, great A-side. Your Latin hustle's really good. Now, your B-side. Your what? Your B-side. You know, you're some... I don't... Your what? B-side, you know what? Your B-side, you know, you're some, I don't, you know what?

B-side? What's that mean? Yeah. Well, records have two sides. Yeah, I know. So what do you put on the other? Yeah. B-sides?

That's it. You don't have that, the strictures of the format actually led to a sort of type of music, which is the throwaway flip. Muzak or. Yeah, the throwaway, and there's lots of examples.

Recently on, one that we've covered is Goldie by... What's he called? Simon Groom. Peter Groom. Simon Groom. But there's also songs about being on a B-side. There's that Chaz and Dave song about being on the B-side. I think it's called Wallop.

I might be wrong. No, it's not Wallop. There's an extremely famous psych rock single by Tin Turn Abbey. Oh, this sounds familiar. Go on. And the B-side is called B-side. Oh. But it's a fantastic tune in its own right.

There's also Eric Morkman-Wiser's The B-side. Yeah, so it was a thing, wasn't it? Yeah. But that Simon Groom one was definitely just his it was a thing, wasn't it? Yeah. But that Simon Green one was definitely just his producer just did something, didn't he? Simon, your first song, good cover, very good cover. We need something for your B-side. You what?

B-side? You what? You've got to put something on the B-side. Yeah. You what? You what, B-side? I've got to do another song. Now, this could be a character call. yeah you what you what I've got to do another song now

yeah and the other thing that comes to mind I don't know if we've ever covered it on the show but there was Chalk Dust

remember Chalk Dust by the Brats which was no you do it's is it a song yes

it's the Michael McEnroe piss take when he was like oh we've done it on the show I don't think we have I think we did it on Clickables that's what I'm saying years ago anyway there's um there's a it's a novelty song about john mackinrow losing his shit umpire strikes back yeah yeah it's called

the umpire strikes back and it's a weird rap spoken thing but the flip is again just a muse uh an instrumental that they obviously just do you you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is a good example of it, because I think this has some merit. It has a kind of... It's nice. It's a nice little track. I will say that. There's now Special Aboot It.

And the second platter we're going to cover... Oh, you're going to rate it out of how many platters? I'd give it three and a half. I like it. 3.8, maybe. All right, I'll go with three. I like the mood. It's sort of a bit...

It's pleasant. Yeah. The only problem is, right, for me, is that if that's on a compilation, like on an album, you can go with it. But because it's a B-side,

how many times are you ever going to play it? You know what I mean? It's weird when you get music so disposable. Yeah. You get slapped on a B-side. It's like,

you don't do easy listening that way by playing all the B-sides of something. Well, personally, I think I could use it as a sort of bed when I'm doing a radio show or something. Well, personally, I think I could use it as a sort of bed when I'm doing a radio show or something.

Yeah, it's got that. Coming up later tonight on Jazz FM. I like that type of incidental music. Next track is similar, is a B-side that didn't appear anywhere else. Yeah. And it's called Tumpy.

Tumpy! Oh, we nearly played it a few episodes ago but now we've brought Tumpy back oh haven't we just brought it back Tumpy's back and this is on

guess who's back Tumpy's back this is on BBC records and tapes which I collect yeah Eli does like his BBC records label

the singles yeah I love the singles. There's all sorts of shit. Classic blue label. All sorts of stuff, but mainly it's stuff from their shows, wasn't it, really? Yeah, like the composers who had made the songs for theme tunes. Yes, but they also had their subsidiary, Beeb Records.

Did they? I'm sure we've covered that before, but yeah, go on. Yeah, Beeb, which had sort of, I think they actually put stuff out that wasn't on TV that was just sort of yeah anyway this is George Fenton the A side

is Shoestring which was a detective show which is a detective show but obviously he had this guy George Fenton had detective show

themes coming out of his arse because he's also put a fucking good detective show theme on the other side and it's not connected to any detective show.

Yeah. It's called Tumpy. Should we listen to a bit of that right now, Paul? Let's listen to Tumpy right now. Thank you. bass solo We like Tumpy. Tumpy's good, isn't it? Tumpy, yeah. You can definitely imagine a show going with that. What kind of show would it be?

Because obviously it's a show that will never be made. It'd be like this. Well, no, let's work out the genre first and then move into the scene. I want to get a picture of where your mind is. Okay. All right, so where are we? This is my pitch here. Tumpy is a northern coroner, an autopsy doctor,

who gets involved in local crimes and murders. And he smokes fags. No, I don't see that. I see Tompy as like a minder character. Like he's the guy, he's like, there's a market stalls, and he's the guy who you go to to get stuff done. He's a finder? Yeah, he's like a jack-of-all-trades.

He's like, oh, mate, when are we going to get some tea towels? Let's do the first scene. Oh, Tumpy knows. So I'll be Tumpy, yeah. Play the theme tune. Here we go. And now on BBC One, it's time for another episode of Tumpy. Get your pellets. Love your pellets.

Got pellets here. All right. All right, darling. I'll buy some pellets, love. Oh, you're looking lovely today, Mrs Ginny. Oh, thank you. Oh, great tits. Brilliant. Love them.. Oh, thank you. Oh, great tits. Brilliant. Love them. Jubbly, jubby.

Up, up, up. Downy, downy. And they don't leak no more. Oh, that's good. Because they were leaking all over my stuff. I had to slap you. Yeah, didn't you just? Anyway, move on. Move on. Bye. Bye. I didn't want to buy pellets. No, you can't buy no pellets. They're for men. Pellets.

Pellets. Oh, hello, John. Hello. What's going on then, John? I'm Tumpy. What's that? Something I do. You tap your chest and go... Often when I solve a crime or... Well, listen, Tom P. Yes, John, what? What is it, John?

Come behind the screen. Come behind the screen at the back of the stall. Now I've come behind the screen, and now it's time to talk to you. I'm sorry. Sorry about that, everybody. Anyway. Yes, Tom P., what?

I've heard a little bird's toad. I'm Tom P., sorry. Tom P., I... What is it, mate? Fucking let me get a word out. Well, get a word out, then. I've heard a little bird's told me. I'm Tom P. Sorry. Tom P. What is it, mate? Fucking let me get a word out. Well, get a word out, then. I've got a fucking stool to run here. A little bird's told me.

I've got sexist pennies. Shut your fucking cakehole. All right. You've got my attention now, John. Thank you. Now, a little bird's told me. Oh, yeah? What bird?

That you've come into possession of a certain suitcase full of wind-up yapping dogs. Oh, I may have. I may not have. They may be here on the premises. They may be somewhere else. Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip. Shut up, you little fuckers. Well, I just wanted to point out

that I've recently lost a suitcase full of wind-up yappy doggies, and I find it very interesting. John, I can't help you, mate. You'll have to go now. I've got a cube building. I see in the corner of your little market stall there you've got a little vibrating

box of yapping items. Oh, the yapping frogs. Let me have a look. Er, I'll have to, yeah, alright then. Or I'll break your thumbs off and stick them up your ass. Come over here, lean over, have a look in this suitcase. I've promised, mate. John, I'm honest.

They are frogs. They're frogs. I've gotten them off Rigby Phil. Well, Rigby Phil is currently face down in the Thames. What? Yeah, he crossed me one too many times. Face down in the Thames? Yeah, he's face down in the Thames.

In the Thames, face down. He's face down in the Thames. What's wrong with that? He's dead. He was treading on thin water. I had to give him a push. Just the Thames, face down. He's face down in the Thames. What's wrong with that? He's dead. He was treading on thin water. I had to give him a push. Just lean over here, John. All right, well, I'll have a look.

I promise, mate, they're yapping frogs. They're yapping frogs. All good. You can have a few if you like. Here we go. Let's have a look. You can have a few because it's all good between me and you. Let me just say this to you, Tumpy.

If I open this suitcase and there is even one yapping dog in there, I'm going to rip your balls out, make you eat them. That's perfectly understood. Have you shit out your balls. I'll shit my balls out. I'll put my balls in a sandwich. I'll blend it down.

You'll put your balls in a sandwich? Yeah, I've lost... Your balls are getting involved. I'm confused. Someone's eating balls. Right, just lean over here. Right. A bit further.

A bit further. Bit further. Fuck off, Jordan. I got you yapping dogs and I'm out of here. Chompy! And scene. And scene. Well, I can't wait to see what happens next week on another

edition edition of Tumpy Tumpy there we go I like that I'm going to give that do you have anything

about the artist who made it nothing George Fenton George Fenton he obviously is a TV composer yeah

he's probably done a lot of stuff namely Shoestring Shoestring he did do you want to do some research on George Fenton yes let's have a little

bit of background there let's do that George Fenton? Yes, let's have a little bit of background there, Paul. Let's do that. George Fenton, composer. Ooh, English composer, best known for working on the BBC series The Blue Planet and Planet Earth. So he's done all that recently, hasn't he? That's good.

He's done TV and radio jingles for all kinds of BBC thing. Feature films. He's done Gandhi. He did Gandhi? Okay, so he's That's good. He's done TV and radio jingles for all kinds of BBC's thing. Feature films. He's done a Gandhi. He did Gandhi? Okay, so he's a big deal. Shadowlands. Cry Freedom.

The Madness of King George. A lot of big Brit films. The kind of, yeah, when British films are known for being arty but also commercial. Yeah, prestige. Prestigious. What else?

Company of Wolves. High Spirits. Not all winners. What was High Spirits. Not all winners. What was High Spirits? It was that comedy with Peter O'Toole and Steve Guttenberg and Daryl Hannah. Wasn't it very good? It came out in that whole kind of supernatural comedy craze of the 80s. They were ghosts.

Like Beetlejuice and Ghostbusters and things. So Guttenberg plays an American tourist who goes to, I think, a Scottish castle. I vaguely remember this. Liam Neeson's in it as well playing the angry ghost who every night kills Daryl Hannah because they're the ghosts and then one day

Steve Guttenberg interrupts that play out and who directed? oh Mel Smith or something no but I think it was like one of those

you know one of those directors who made a lot of films for Ealing and then made the yeah yeah but I might be wrong oh god Neil Jordan

was director of The Crying Game and The the company of wolves and things like that oh there you go so he's done a lot that tumpy chain's pretty good i like it i like tumpy we all like a bit of tumpy we do yeah let's you know what we're hoping we're hoping that it goes like winky it's tumpy winky tumpy winky then we need a fourth one called Splat. Yeah. And that's a kid's show. Tumpy and Winky and Splat went for a trip to Bibbly Bob Forest. Yes. And then Splat goes, I've got a secret, and took Winky behind a tree. And all you can hear is Winky say.

I'm cutting that out. Right. Right. So. Shall we move on with the next Splatter Platter? It's the platter that keeps that matter. And let's not forget who the patron saint of this segment is. Yes.

Clyde McFatter. Matt Clyde McFatter, who makes the platters that matter. Yes, he certainly does. And he sponsors our platters. And he's a Matt Hatter. Well, I don't know. Sorry, I keep touching the thing. You're going to get electric shock.

Right. Right. So, oh, this is off. Moving on. Do you want to introduce This bit of the Platter section I'll start with that one I reckon

Because that's going to be A tangent isn't it really Yes Long story short Eli shows me an album today That he bought in a record shop For four pound It's called

Quite a lot But it's the type of thing That I thought might work On the show And here we are doing it Paul So it's money well spent I think so Because it's called

Clinton the Clown And the album cover Is an old man with grey hair and on one side of his face, just face. But on the second side of his face, clown makeup. Again, there'll be pictures on our website if you want to check that out. It's unusual to number the sides of his face.

One part of his face, two, second side of his face. Okay. First side of his face, and then the second side of his face. Okay, thank you. And I looked at it thinking, first of all, like you did, it sounds like an American guy.

It looks extremely American because he's called Clinton Ford. Yeah, that's his name, the artist. And what's the other guy?

George Chisholm. That sounds very American. And it sounds like Chisholm. George Chisholm. And also, there's a band called

George Chisholm. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, George Chisholm. And also there's a band. No, no, no. No. George. I don't know what I'm talking about. George. I don't know what I'm talking about. It comes out of my mouth.

I'm not kidding. George Chisholm. It comes out of my mouth. Here's a tissue. If you just go and... Please. But I thought it must be American because of the American sounding names

and the band's called The Inmates and also the second side of his face which has got the clown thing on is red, white and blue. And it looks a little bit like John Wayne Gacy.acy yeah it's a bit creepy except john wayne gacy only used angles no curves on his face that's why he was yeah because that's why it was kind of off because a lot of clowns his ocd was no it's just his design

was to look like that and a lot of clowns professionally would say that's weird there's no there's no corners there's no curves sorry there's no yeah anyway that's no curves. Sorry, there's no... Anyway, that's a by the by. So, you hadn't listened to it before we checked it out tonight. I hadn't. I just picked it up the other day. So, let's play the first track of this album, because I think it will give the listeners a perfect idea of the complete tone of the album.

Yes. And it goes like this. It's called My Baby's Wild About My Old Trombone. And it goes like this. It's called My Baby's Wild About My Old Trombone. Clinton Ford and George Chisholm, taken from the original cylinder on Pye Records. My baby's wild about my old trombone And she goes

She even plays it when we're all alone And she goes She blows it smooth She blows it smooth She blows it hot Her loving man She's quite forgot My baby's wild about my old trombone And she goes

Grandpapa had left me an old trombone in his will For years and years it hung upon the wall And to his loving memory it would have hung there still If my loving baby hadn't come to call And that's kind of what it is. Now, it's throwback comedy Dixieland music. I don't know if it's Dixie, because it's a little bit kind of musical.

Musical, Dixieland. It's all that pre-World War II music, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To spin off into many tangents, it's like, this is the sound that Bonzo Dog started out doing. Bonzo Dog doodah. They were doing a lot of these kind of covers and things.

You even look at some of their own songs, like Jollity Farm. It's on that template, the old 30s, 40s music template. And I guarantee they covered the old Bizarre in Cairo and things like that. Now that's the second tune, the old Bizarre in Cairo. Shall we have a bit of that one as well? Let's have a little bit of that one. ¶¶ ¶¶ Slave girls, thin girls, summer little fluff. Slave girls sold here, fifty bubble lump. In the old bazaar in Cairo.

Randy, shandy, beer without a froth. Graces, laces, a candle for the moth. That you'd look a dolly in an old loincloth. In the old bazaar in Cairo. You can buy most any anything. Thin bulls, fat cows, a little bit of string. You can purchase anything you wish. A clock, a dish, and something for your auntie.

Fanny harem, scarum, what do you think of that? Benny Striptease dancing on the mat. Hoop-pa, hoop-pa. That's enough of that in the old bazaar in Cairo. So very much a pastiche of the middle, of, you know, the Oriental. So it's not particularly politically correct these days. No. It did make me think of our friend, Derek.

And his bone hoover. Yeah. You can be a little bit of a groover by yourself, a little bone hoover down in the old bazaar in Cairo. It could have been in there. I mean, if he'd said bone hoover, then it would have led some credence

to Derek's story, wouldn't it? Well, very much so. You've got to mention, we've listened to it all the way through, there's no way to mention it. So, it's like

a collection of old standards, you know, songs that were popular back in the day and a few new songs that they've written for this style. In that style.

But it is meant to be comedy and am I right in thinking this guy, George Clinton Ford, not George Clinton. No, yes, different one. Clinton Ford was known for Skiffle. Apparently, he started out as a red-coated Butlins, then got involved with Skiffle, was involved with some kind of jazz Dixie band kind of thing called the Mersey Sippy. Trad Brit jazz was all about that, wasn't it?

And was on the rise all the time, same time the Beatles were playing at the Caverns. And then it's like, because apparently like George Chisholm was a famous jazz musician. And if I remember rightly, he was briefly part of like the Goon Show band. The Goon Show. And again, you can hear the Goons in this as well.

So that's comedy music or music for comedy. It was like this idea of like modern Britain being satirical, viral, musical numbers. That they could be cheeky, but go give it a wink. You listen to all the songs Bill Oddie wrote for them, sorry, I'll read that again, and they're of this style. It's that style. But with a twist, you know, a kind of wink at the audience. It will be vulgar and rude and suggestive.

It's that sort of post-war looking at the music from earlier in the century. And subverting it. And using it to be a bit naughty. To be a bit naughty. I mean, Python. Eric Idle does that kind of thing as well. Yeah, I mean... There's a rich tradition of this sort of comedy jazz music,

I guess you'd call it, wouldn't you? And Britain doesn't really make these songs. I mean, these kind of comedy songs probably died alongside... Say, died alongside, but the waning popularity, the importance of Python. Right. That music went out with that. Yeah. But it's weird.

There's nothing like that. No. And I love it. You had Bonzo's, obviously. But then as they went on, they moved behind from this and became much more art pop or whatever you want to call it. But this guy, this is his only comedy music album. way I want to call it. But this guy,

this is his only comedy music album. he released a song called, oh, what was it fucking called? Fanny. Fat Fanny. Hang on,

it's written right here, hang on. Sloppy, sloppy. Fan Like Fanny. Sloppy Big Mott. What's it called? Fan Like Fanny.

Fan Like Fanny, which was a song made popular by George Formby in the 20s. Right. And he did a cover. Formby did sort of comedy music as well, didn't he? I mean, it's all part of the same heritage.

It's all Max Miller, George Formby. But the real difference these days is comedy isn't music anymore. They used to sort of exist in almost the same... Well, it's seen as novelty music these days. Yeah, but that doesn't really exist. That isn't made anymore. Goldilocks and Chain, you could argue, fits into that heritage in a very distant way. Lonely Island, you know, the American band.

Flight of the Conchords, you could also argue, have a bit of it as well. Absolutely. No, I'm wrong. No, you're not wrong, but it's not popular because it's seen as twee. Stand-up has been given this kind of legendary representation of what comedy has to be now. And so everything else, sketch, slapstick, music, parody, mime, whatever, falls to a lesser state. It's a shame. Yeah, it is a shame because I think comedy is richer when there's more access to variety.

Yes. And you had that variety in the 60s, 70s, and in the 80s. But then in the 80s, mostly to the american influence of people like andrew dice clay but you know what i mean it's like they made it rock and roll eddie murphy made stand-up rock and roll and then that carried over to britain which is why newman and badil became the first uk rock and roll comedy did they have any singles newman newman and badil uh possibly they may well have done mightn't they all badil did do you know he's back? Four lines. Three lines. Two lines. How many lines?

One line on my arse. No. Ben Elton's touring again. My arsehole is gaping. Ben Elton's touring again. Yeah. I always thought he was a good stand-up, Ben Elton. He was a good stand-up.

It was funny. He's just a weird, I don't know. He's a strange guy. He's a guy who's lost his edge because I think he doesn't need to have one anymore. Yeah, but that's what he was saying. I heard in an interview. He's like, oh, but you're not going to be edgy. He's like, I never was.

I was quite mainstream from the start. Do you know what I mean? He's just using the word knobs and willies a lot, really. It was a bit like Jasper Carrot or something. Just like a sort of solid gag writer. Well, he was an outlier to that whole movement because Ben Elton was often,

because he was seen with Rick and Adelot and they wrote together at Manchester University and worked together. When they kind of ended up crossing paths with the Oxbridge types, you know, it was Frying Laurie. Yes. Those worlds. So he dipped in and out because things like Blackadder were like the crossover

between those two types of comedy. He was never part of any of those worlds, Elton, was he? I would say in all fondness, he was a journeyman comedian. Yes. He did everything... I'd say he was a very good joke... It's like Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr.

I'd say he was a very good joke writer, Ben Elton. Yeah. But like, to be honest, no sitcom he's ever done since Blackadder has ever appealed to me. I don't like that

Shakespeare one. Thin Blue Line, did he do? I don't like the Thin Blue Line. It's just... It's all a little bit twee. And his novels are sort of a bit pulpy and formulaic. But I mean, Popcorn was the big

one for him. Anyway, it's interesting to me that he's starting to do stand-up again. Yeah, good luck to that millionaire living in Australia. Oh, a little bit of politics, ladies and gentlemen. Thatcher, a little bit of politics. Oh, standing in line at the queue. Oh, politics, a little bit of politics. Anyway. I wrote Blackadder.

I made it good. Okay. I've got one of his LPs, Motormouth, with a little booklet. It's in very good condition. Now... Oh, it's right there. Can you see it? Now, he's gone to the shelf of my comedy LPs. Motormouth. It's good, that, isn't it? It's got the original sticker. Yeah. It's all very

mint on card. I miss that. I miss the proper comedy album. Look at that little book I've got in there. That's lovely. Yeah, and look, it's got... Look, you know what I'm saying? Poster, yeah. This is some posters in here with him, with Rick... Rick Mayle.

Rick Mayle, yeah. And Ben Elton. So they used to work together themselves. Yeah. But obviously, you've got to remember, Ben Elton was brought in for The Young Ones. He was brought in for Filthy Witch and Cat Flap. He just knew how to write for Rick Mayle and Ade Edmondson.

That's quite a nice piece, isn't it? It's a lovely piece, actually, that. But it's just his a nice piece, isn't it? It's a lovely piece, actually. But it's just his stand-up, isn't it? I don't think he does any remixes of his songs, like Rapping Ronnie. No, I think it's a couple of his gigs or one gig. So this is going to add to my comedy album, this Clinton the Clown.

For me, it falls between two stools, Paul. It's not funny, and it's not music-y enough. Do you see what I mean? It's funny in a way that would make 60-year-old women in a theatre

in Margate laugh in 1960 on the pier. They might titter. It's that kind of thing. But it's from 1968, this album. Yes, it is.

So did he have, this Clinton Ford guy, did he have more success with this comedy stuff later in his career, I guess? I think the overall gist from what I understand

is that after the relative success of this song because originally his release of Fan Like Fanny was the big hit that got his name noticed and that's about this

this lady of ill repute who was a a nightclub singer and a piss head and a thief and probably a prostitute heavily in furs

and then they remade it for this and called it uh what's it called in this and fan dance fanny to update it a little bit because you're the whole fan dance now for me it's not also just not absurd or surreal enough not quite enough the closest they get is my baby's wild about my old trombone which is very spike jonesy yes now let's we're gonna have a listen to a bit of Spike Jones. It'd be... You can't talk about comedy music, I don't think, unless you talk about Spike Jones. No. Who came for... It was earlier

than these guys, obviously. I think he was working in the 40s. Do you know what? It's a good point. I don't know very much about Spike Jones. I'd just kind of take it as read. He's a band leader. Yeah. Like Glenn Miller and things like that at the time. And I think he was a... What do they call it americanized jew i think his real name is spike jawansky or something oh okay yeah yeah yeah and then that's why he put

his most famous tune is uh in the fuhrer's face which is uh basically a big attack in the send up of hitler and uh that's well known but he had had this whole, basically, comedy orchestra. And he used to have a TV show as well, Spike Jonze. And for me, he's the ultimate because he really is absurd. It just delights in these stupid noises. Like cacophony of sound, isn't it, at times? And it's very cartoony. It's got that Tom and Jerry feel to it, you know what I mean?

He invented instruments just for making a stupid noise on a record. So he's got this sort of absurdist, completely just ridiculous, silliness, screwball. A discordant, screwball-y kind of sound

with the kind of Tom and Jerry Foley aesthetic as well. Yeah, they've got Foley sort of sound effect things going on. Yeah. And just, but also really tight, well-drilled musicianship as well

do you know what i mean yeah and it's all it's brilliant it's like it's what i like it's that professional unprofessionalism yeah it was like they work very hard to sound that yeah cacophony stick now i've got this lp go crazy with spike jones and it's got spike and he's looking he's doing the dog what's it the HMV dog he's pretending to be a dog it's almost a

Mad Magazine style cartoon illustration you can see this on our website guys and we're going to have a bit of the first tune on this

which is called it just cracks me up thinking about it oh he's very taken with this I love it I Kissed Your Hand Madame and here this. I love it. I kissed your hand, madame. And here it goes right now.

In dreams I kiss your hand, madame. And pray my dreams come true. In I your madame Your dainty tits And while in her land madame I'm begging for your I haven't any Madame To the things I Just when I hold you

Madame You vanish with the Yes. Now, as we've learned... I love it because... That noise. You know, he had a whole noise. Yeah, what is that? It's like drinking.

It's like... Yeah, it's like a... And also just the... You can't go wrong with a boing. Or a slide whistle. That noise cracks me up. And it's got a slide whistle in there as well. It's got everything you need.

And what I like about this is that the song is, and I would stand this, it's like a song that's been covered by... It's a German song, I think you said, isn't it? I can't remember. There's a film. There's a black and white film called, whatever the song's called, Kiss My Hand, My Lovely, or whatever. I Kiss Your Hand, Madame.

Madame. And I don't know if the song's based on that film, but it's been covered by Bing Crosby and all these crooners. And this is the subversion of that very soppy. So I can only imagine it would have been like the Everything I Do, I Do For You song of the 1930s. Yes. He totally subverts. That's the other thing I love about Spike Jonze.

There's an actual anarchism to it. There's a real actual subversive element to how ridiculous it is. Do you know what I mean? Did he ever score movies or anything like that? You know what I mean? I think he may have or anything like that? You know what I mean? I think he may have worked with the Marx Brothers.

Spike Jonze. Let me just have a quick look at this. His name was Lindley Armstrong Jonze, or known as Spike Jonze, an American musician and band leader specialising in satirical arrangements of popular songs and classical music. Ballads receiving the Jonze treatment

were punctuated by gunshots, whistles, cowbells and outlandish and comedic vocals, which again is another thing they do. Lots of kind of tongue-in-cheek singing. On this track, there's a bit of a sort of piss-take, cool jazz beatnik character almost, isn't there? He's like, come back to my pad, baby. All of this sort of.

Yeah, it's like, I'll kiss your hand because I can't stand your breath. Yeah, that's the end. Which is a great way. He did a few little films, but not much. Mostly just doing bits. And he had a TV show, right? He had a TV show, yeah.

There you go. And the All-Star Review, which in 1952, before giving his own slot by NBC, called The Spike Jones Show, which happened in 54. So yeah, in 1990. There's famously a band, a tune by the band, where he goes, he was watching Spike Jonze on the box. One of the lyrics. Oh, well there you go. Later years.

Decline of big bands and the rise of rock and roll hurt his career. No shit. He couldn't lampoon them in the same way. He played rock music for laughs when he presented, for the first time on television, the bottom half of Elvis Presley. This was his cue for a pair of pants inhabited by a dwarf actor,y barty to scamper across the stage that would have been good so all you see are a pair of pants running across the stage that would have been good yeah uh yeah so so spike joe's definitely related um to the clinton uh ford record um it's all of that

it's that whole lineage that that whole sound I love. I'm a big fan of it. I like Jim Dale's Mother song, which is a spoof of that. And like the goodies did a few like taking my oyster for walkies

and songs like that. Songs that have that kind of end of the pier, small, traditional, but sort of with saucy songs, bit cheeky.

Yeah, it's just totally disappeared all of that stuff. And what a shame that is. Yes. Maybe we should come up with our own song. I'll call it Sloppy Hole Fanny. No, no, we've got to do... Sloppy Bucket. Sloppy Bucket.

It's got to be suggested, but still blunt. Oh, I had a gal called Vajaji. And everywhere she went's the smell. I smell your fanny you know what it's lost the innuendo when you just say I can smell your fanny it needs to be a song like

go down the chip shop my love your legs are so open and wide I smell your chips Stop saying you'll smell a lady's part Stop it The song needs to be called something like

I smell your chips Shut up Put some vinegar on those chips my dear The song is like I'll let you hold my pencil But I prefer you to touch my wand. It's that kind of thing. It's got to be.

I'm no good at that. You know, you're just, I've got a fake on my shoulder. Well, it's funny you should say that because a certain T.Y. is working on a new song. Is he? Licky, Licky, Fanny, Fanny. No, well, we're going to ban that. What do you mean we're going to ban it? I'm not going to have a song released under the Cheap Show record label called Licky, Licky,icky Fanny Fanny? No, well, we're going to ban that. What do you mean we're going to ban it? I'm not going to have a song released under the Cheap Show record label

called Licky Licky Fanny Fanny. Well, you know who the owner of the label is, so. Yeah, I know. And we're not bringing him into it. Brandoff is trying to buy the rights to Cheap Show. And then it'll become Richard Brandoff's Cheap Show. That'd be good. No, it fucking wouldn't.

Well, at least maybe I'd get some more things to do. I would if you did anything. But you don't. Shut up. You just sit there and everyone to the right go, Spoffy, wanky, cussy, pussy, fanny, wanky, licky, big, big. That's good. That's what you do.

Can I have that? Can I have that? Can you say that again or write it down? I can't remember what I said. Spoffy, what is it? Spoffy, woffy. Spoffy, woffy, licky. No, I'm just saying, licky, licky, bicky.

Sticky, licky. Fanny. Fanny, wanny. I don'toffy. No, I'm just taking... Licky? Licky Bicky? Sticky Licky... Fanny? Fanny Wanny. I don't fucking know. Right, Paul. Is that the end of that segment? That's the end of this segment. It's story time, Paul.

Is it? Come on, boys and girls. Come and sit down. No, no, no. Come and sit down by story time Paul and story time Eli. No. Come and sit down. Sit down. I'm not doing this sit down by Storytime Paul and Storytime Eli. No. Come and sit down. Sit down.

I'm not doing this bit. Sit down. Paul. What? Can we just... Step outside the podcast. Yeah, just... Let's...

Let's open the hatch. No, you can't just mind me. You have to do the sound. I'm going to put a sound effect in. It's better, isn't it? I'm going to open the sound effect. okay paul yeah we're up here on top of the podcast yeah um i just want to say yeah the whole thing with the little boys and girls what's wrong that's why you tell stories to no you tell stories to children of all ages all No, you tell stories to children of all ages. All right, well, then I'll say children of all ages.

Can we go back in? Can we go back in? Yeah. I'll go down after you. All right. I'm just going to have a little thing. All right, I'm going down then. I'm going down.

All right, here we go. See you there. I'll see you in a sec. Yeah. Cunt. He's such a cunt, I swear. One more time. One more thing.

All right, I'm going back in the podcast. Sound effect. Okay. Oh, you're back. Yeah. But you know, there's someone milling around here, Paul. Oh, yeah. There's someone milling around. He's heard story time. Yeah.

And I think he just, all right, story time, Grandad. Oh, yes, so I do. So I am. Why are your favourite characters the worst ones? So I am, story time, Grandad. I'll tell you something. I'll tell you a little story. Yeah.

In the war. It was way back in some war I was in, right? Chewing testicles. Just get to the bit where you chew testicles. I was starving to death. So I was starving. I was hungry. Hungry like a fox. Yeah, go on.

So, what's a man to do? So what's he to do? So, what's he to do, so to say? You don't know, do you? I'll tell you what I did. Go on. I'll tell you. It's a story I tell.

I tell everyone, so I do. Your Irish accent comes in and out, but go on. So I do. Tell them that story. I am not Irish, so I'm not. I used to eat people's genitals. I used to do it for fun, so I did. War is just a pretext.

I'm Storytime Grandad. Why don't we just call you Genital Grandad? Genital Muncherman! Genital Munchydownman! Genital Grandad. Genital Grandad, I like it, so I do. So now you can just drop the pretense of telling a story. I like to eat.

I cannibalise other people's genitals. And every now and then, just turn up on the podcast and just say, I eat balls. And then just go. I'm going. Save us some time. I feel rejuvenated. I'm no longer a grandad.

Just an eater of bollocks and vaginas. Hang on, who's this coming in? I've never seen this guy before. Who's coming? Oh, who's this coming in? I've never seen this guy before. Who's coming? Oh, it's Tall Tale Tommy. And I'm telling tall tales to I am. I don't like this guy. And what I like to do is I eat the plop plops.

That's what I do. You eat the plop plops? I eat the plop. I was in the war, you know. Who are? So it was. And I was in the war and I ate poo. That's basically what you do.

So if you're looking at me right now looking unimpressed, that's why I look at you. I'll tell you something right now. Oh, I'm called Tail Tommy with me tails in... Fuck him! ...eaten scat.

You've got your characters. Everyone likes your characters. No one likes your second-rate knock-off characters. That's it. The only thing that gives me life in this podcast is doing my

knock-off Eli characters. He eats poo poo does he that's not as good yours eat balls how is that clever in the war so did mine he had to eat poo no he's to survive no he had to eat the turds so i did let's just get on with this you've ruined it you've murkied the waters have i or have i just pointed out to you in very clear terms he's not nuanced he's's not. Nothing you ever do is nuanced. You don't know

what nuance means. I'm 12-tail Tommy. Fuck 12-tail Tommy. And I eat the scat. Yeah. I'm the scat man. No. I'm the scat man. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, talking of terrible pop music,

someone on Twitter said, I can't believe Eli hates... Right, said Fred. Yeah, but it's... Defends Aqua. I will defend Aqua from here until the day I die. I think Aqua were the best of their time. I would agree with you. I like

Right Said Fred, but they don't hold a candle to Aqua. That was much better. Barbie Girl is one of the greatest singles of that era, I'd say. Come on Barbie, let's go party. Because that is incredibly brilliant. The bald guy is like, yeah, party, let's go party. I love say. Come on, Barbie, let's go party. Because that is incredibly brilliant. The bald guy is like, yeah, party, let's go party. I love that.

I love the emotion that he embodies of just carefree, being slightly Dutch or something, and going to party. He goes to party. Come on, party, let's go party. They weren't Dutch, were they, Aquitaine? I don't know. They were Europeans. And Dr. Jones. And Dr. Jones...

Calling Dr. Jones... ...is a much more refined and, dare I say, nuanced poem. Oh, that is nuanced. And just a better product than Cotton Eye Joe. Yeah. If you compare those two, I think it's a fair comparison to make. And I would say their ballad for Sliding Doors, Turn Back Time, is great.

It is insufferable. You know a lot of ballads that come out for movies or songs. I don't think Barbie Girl's insufferable. No, I'm not saying this. What I'm saying is this ballad isn't insufferable. Barbie Girl is self-aware to the extent where it actually becomes... Well, I compare it to Tub Thumping by Chumbawumba, where they're songs that had a notoriety for being,

in one case, super cheesy and pop nastiness, and the other one was like leery 90s pub thing. But actually, they were both about the opposite. It's like Barbecue was about how it's shit being vacuous. And Tub Thumping was about how that leery drinking culture is bullshit. I know, but it's funny. It's the satire paradox again, isn't it? Where something becomes known for what it was trying to satirise.

Like Colbert Report. Yeah. And so that's the weird, funny line we all live in. It's strange. It's a strange thing. Now, shall we do Storytime Dice? Let's do Storytime Dice. So, yeah, I got another set of Rory's Story Cubes.

These are the premium. These aren't very much on message with Cheap Show, are they? Well, they were a quid. Yes, they are. But anew, these are like posh Story Cubes, aren't very much on message with Cheap Show, are they? Well, they were a quid. Yes, they are. But anew, these are like posh Story Cubes, aren't they? They are very posh Story Cubes, but all they did was become the brand face of what people have been making for years.

Story Cubes have been made for years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're quite nice. The illustrations are nice. Like we were saying, they're... And they've branded, so you can get like Adventure Time story cubes

or Batman story cubes. My Little Pony story cubes. Star Wars probably as well. That sort of takes the whole sort of creativeness sort of out of it. Well, that's like

the Lego issue as well. It's like you could build anything with Lego but specifically build the Death Star right now. Is that alright? And pay 800 quid to do it. Yeah.

So the whole sort of open world aspect of Lego is gone. The city thing.id to do it yeah so i liked it i honestly world the open world aspect of lego is gone the city thing they still do it oh no they still make lego city stuff like the petrol station or hospital and that to me is the best stuff when like you filter reality through lego as opposed to filtering fantasy through lego you know i'm getting it it's like it delights me more to see them do a lego ice cream parlor i prefer that than a le Lego Star Wars cantina. Yeah, but that's just a sort of aesthetic judgment.

You prefer a little, like I like my little street sweeper thing. Yes. This is great. I like things that are real versions in the real world. Yeah. But made mini. But made mini. Story time.

Story time. Story time. Story dice. Story cubes. They don't even call them dice. No, story cubes. Because it might... Wouldn't it be story die? Yeah, which sounds a bit weird.

Weird. Let's play story die. You tell a story. That's what we do every week on this show, Paul. Die. Telling poor stories. Well, why not carry on with that trend? Well, I don't know

what that was. Have you dropped the dice already? You clumsy fucking wreck. The dice have gone on the floor. Have you got them all? Yeah. Are they all accounted for?

They're all accounted for. All right, so I've got the original set, but we're not going to put these aside because we've used these. We're going to use the Voyager set today.

I don't know. These are going to be harder. They're more specific. Well, again, you've got to... They're all travel-based. You're going to have... Right, you've got to... They're all travel-based. You're going to have... Right, you've got... Can't we use those ones? Which ones? The normal ones.

Because we've already used them, so use this. You have to write this down, because I have to cover all the points, don't I? Well, no, we'll just keep them there. Roll them, keep them there, line them up. We'll say which they are for the audience, so they know what to expect. Yeah. So, house, whatever, and then we'll go through. You've got five minutes to tell the story with logic.

So you can't just say, and then the bear popped out a flower and the flower on a plane. I wouldn't do that. That's unprofessional and ruins the game. Look at that face. Look at that naughty face. You've got a naughty face on. Right.

That's weird. I don't like it when you've got a naughty face on. I don't like this whole tone. It's a weird tone. You take that naughty face off. You take that naughty face off. You take that naughty face off. This nauseates me, the way you're behaving. All right, so.

You take that naughty face off. I'll take the naughty face off. So you have five minutes. Okay. To tell the best story you can. I have to roll them all first. Yeah, just toss them. Obviously, it's going to be loud now.

So, you know. Well, that's what. Be considerate. That's what people want to hear, don't they? Yeah. Nice bit of ASMR. Here's the dice. The die.

The die. The dice. Dice is two. It's like mice. Oh, fucking hell. Here we go. Here we go. And he's tossing his cubes.

You can't criticise the story whilst it's happening. No, I can. It's part of the game. Right, okay. You can line them up any way you want but you don't have to use them in that order, alright?

Line them down. Alright. We'll just see. So, what have you got? You've got a trophy. Don't stop moving them. It doesn't matter. You don't have to move them

in that order if you don't want to use them in that order. I'll hand them to you. You tell everybody what they are. And I'll line them up. And then you leave. Yeah.

All right, good. Hand me the cubes as they are face up. A trophy. Thank you. That's your first cube. And the second? It looks like a fuel gauge meter. It's bullshit.

It's a fuel gauge meter. Like a car fuel gauge meter. I hate this already. Just fucking play. Number three. Oh, skull and crossbones Ladies and gentlemen Bit of drama

Next A ladder That's A ladder And This one This one is Oh

Now this is an interesting one This looks like a Magic cauldron of some kind This looks like Yeah It looks like Or Bovril It's a cauldron

It's a cauldron Next Eli has to work into his story, whatever this is, which is a... I guess that's a helmet. These are bullshit. Is it a Greek kind of war helmet or something? It's like a...

Yeah, ancient Greek. Medieval helmet. It's like a Viking, isn't it? Yeah. It's got horns on, but that's a myth. A nose guard. It's some kind of ancient pre-ancient style war helmet

some kind of dangerous helmet with horns on and then what else a bumhole well it looks like a bumhole I don't know what that is it's just it's a sphincter

it's a sphincter innit what is it it's bullshit it's like dots what am I going to work with with that I don't know you can interpret

it could mean nothing it could be a splash it could be a splash it could be a blip it could be a black hole it could be a sun it could be a wink it could be a blink it could be a hole it could be everything it could be a splash. It could be a splash. It could be a blip. It could be a black hole. It could be a sun. It could be a wink.

It could be a blink. It could be a hole. It could be everything. It could be nothing. It is nothing. It could be the complete of everything. The complete of everything. The complete of everything or the absence of nothing. Okay, Paul.

Come with me to my garden of joy. Just put it down. Anyway, that's what that is. Next, oh, you've got a lovely Arabian castle. Like Aladdin, maybe. Something like that. How exciting. And your last cube, Mr Silverman. Please.

I want to play these. Tough shit. Oh, it's a mountain range. There you go. I'm just going to take a picture. I can't see them from here. I'm going to take a picture so I can move them closer to you. Right. A picture has been taken. Careful. Oh, you fucked it.

What's that? Is it gherkin or something? Shut up. I remember where they are. That looks better. It was that one. It was that one. And then that will be the black one.

So that's the ones you've got. Right. I fixed it. Princess Paddy on. I don't know. No. I'd say no okay are you ready you're five minutes to tell the story cohesively with interest incident adventure and character

developments maybe an arc with those nine cubes your time starts now Now. Wakingness. Oh. The mountains. The sun. If you end up being fucking abstract just so you can just check them off, I'll punch you. Mate, you're wasting my fucking time. I'll kill you.

Well, think about it. I will. Listen. Let me just put it this way. What was wrong with what I just said? Wakingness. I'll repeat you. Well, think about it. I will... Well, listen. Let me just put it this way. What was wrong with what I just said? Wakingness. I'll repeat it. Wakingness. What does that even mean? Exactly. So you're hooked in, aren't you? Alright. You're hooked in

now. I am. What does it mean? Is it a new language? What's this guy working with? Show me what you're doing now. Anyway, you hand me a cube when you want to take it out of the story, alright? Shall I start again? No. Come on.

I live by the mountains. All right, mountains. That's good. Wakingness, you live by the mountains. Go on. Wakingness, I live by the mountains. Sadly, autumn was here again, and it was time for my poison medicine. Right, let's go on crossbows. I made my breakfast in the whole big cauldron.

Stop looking at me like that. Stop looking at me. I know I'm failing. It's terrible. This is awful. It's awful. The cauldron. The cauldron?

Three down, ladies and gentlemen. And after I ate my poison I thought why? Why did I do that? And then I remembered. I'm some kind of crazy arse berserker guy Right. Who serves in a militia. A medieval militia for the king. Oh so is that the helmet you want me to take out now?

Yes. Alright so that's the militia. And I work for the king. And that's why I eat poison, because I go berserk. The king lives in that castle. Arabian castle. He'd be a sultan maybe instead, don't you think, if he did your fucking research? I'm not doing research for this. And I realised, with a sudden explosion in my mind that looked like an abstract star shape.

Yeah, all right. Boing! This was the poison actually kicking in. I thought I was having an epiphany, like as usual, this always happens. Wake up, eat the poison. Why don't I do that? Out of the cauldron.

And I go, oh, I'm a berserker for the king in some kind of militia. And then it goes, boing! The poison, which is not actually poison. It is poisonous, but it acts more as a drug. Poing! And then I'm on berserk.

Christ, I'm on berserk. I'm going to tear this shit down. But how do I get down from the mountains? Right, you're right. This might have been a bad segment to do, but go on. How do I get down from the mountains? What, a ladder? I get down on the

ladder. You need to tell the audience what you're doing. You can't just suppose they know it's the ladder. So you've got a ladder and you've got it down the mountain. Why would you need a ladder to get down a mountain? Because I'm big. No, why would you need a ladder to get down the mountain? I go back and get berserked off on the poison. I go big. So then

why would you need a ladder then if you're so big? Well, it's still, if you think of the scale, it's like, it's still quite... So then the ladder's going to be useless. So, to me, this is how big I get, right? To me, a mountain is about the size of a house. One minute forty. You'd still need a ladder, wouldn't you? To get up something, maybe.

To get down. Yeah, but you wouldn't start with a down position and go downer with a ladder. I'm on top of the mountains. I said wakefulness, the mountains. That's the beginning of the story. You could just crawl down. A ladder wouldn't help you get down a mountain better.

In fact, I would argue using a ladder to get down a mountain is harder, considerably. Anyway, I have my bag with me. That's for putting heads of my enemies in. Oh, yeah, it's not a trophy. It's a bag. Right. So you got down the mountain with your bag of heads Now what you got one more cube and this has to be the one that ends the story and get in the car

To go to the berserking field Where I work Start the car up. Oh What looks like my speedometers out It's not It's not registering. I'm going to have to phone someone to come and do this because speed is a very important consideration for me.

I don't want to break the law. Especially with the berserking. The end. That's you tapping the fuel gauge sign on the dice. And so what? Your story is about a man who drank poison realised who he was

went up a mountain came down a mountain with a ladder no he was already up a mountain Paul I don't have to fucking

he had a bag of heads but the worst thing that happened to him that day was he ran out of petrol in his car didn't run out of petrol

the only incident in the story comes right at the very last cube yeah but you've got a lot of backstories. World building. It's not world building. I don't want a world building experience.

Episode one just needs a lot of world building, and that's why they're often the weakest of all episodes. You're so full of shit. That wasn't a story. That was a bunch of stuff that happened in a row. All right, well... God, it's hard to film five minutes, isn't it? It's time for Paul.

Paul, come on. Wait. It is time for story time. Doodly-doo, doodly-doo, doodly-doo. Yes. Is that doodly-doo? Is that doodly-doo? Doctor Who thing?

Yes. Is that the Doctor Who thing? Yeah, that's what I was doing. Doodly-doo, doodly-doo, doodly-doo. Is that... Doodly-doo. Doctor Who-thoo. Doodly-doo. Yes. Is that the Doctor Who-thoo? Yeah, that's what I was doing. Doodly-doo. Doodly-doo. Woo! Woo! How'd you do?

Now, so, let's break the story down, shall we? It was shit. Okay. And you made no effort. I did make an effort. You made no effort. There was no character. It was all first person.

We know nothing about you. Wakingness. In fact, you don't even know anything about you. I call it wakingness. It's just you being vague for some kind of fake kind of context. It doesn't exist. There's nothing below that phrase. Well, that's...

You're so wretched, aren't you? You're just such a wretched man at times. Bloody hell. It's my turn to roll the dice. You wait. I will give you no quarter. With this meanness, I will give you no quarter. I will tell you this now.

When I roll these dice, nothing short of a Mark Twainian odyssey will come out of my mouth compared to whatever that shit was that you did. All right. All right. Yeah. We'll see.

Here we go. It's an interesting mix. You've got a better roll than me. Yeah. We'll see. Here we go. It's an interesting mix. You've got a better roll than me. Right. I had a terrible roll. So my first one is what looks like a worried face. Already better than any of the ones I've got. I'm going to moan and bitch and be a sore loser as well.

Next cube is an angry face. Again, you've got two emotions there. You can go back and forth, two characters. This is just much better. And it's just a matter of luck. Maybe you're just, you know, your imagination is stunted. I guess it is. It's just stunted. You're lazy. I think your

problem is you think you're smarter than you are and you're not and you just don't bother them. Wow, Paul, I was really getting into it now. Anyway, a ray gun is cube three. A ray gun? Could have used that. Here's one that you've had.

It's a fuel gauge. That's not a good one, is it? Not really, but I'll still make it work better than you did. Come on. I think this is a trap door or like steps down into the cellar or something. Would you agree? It's a trap door, yeah. Oh, here's something.

It's an oversized mushroom. Again. A gift. Oh, look. The waves on the next cube. The throughing waves. Is it the throughing? It's the sea.

Yeah, it's the sea. Big waves on the sea. And look, here's an elephant. That's the next cube, number eight. Are you just reading your story cubes out? Even if I did, it would still be better than what you did. It would be better. Just leave it there.

Finally. Just leave it on that. What's the end of the story? Crabs. Of course. Are you ready, Mr. Silverman? I'll hand you the cubes and I've worked them out of my story. Okay, and I'll have you in charge of the timer, please.

All right, well, you've just got to press it once. I'm not going to fiddle with it, am I? I just want to do this by the book God you're really getting sore and weird about this let's just get this out of the way and end this fucking episode whatever you do it's not going to be good enough for me

right are you ready do I press play yeah you just press that blue button it's stupid it's not play you don't play a timer no you don't I agree with you it's just an annoying app that annoys me Yeah, blue button at the bottom. It's stupid. It's not play. You don't play a timer. No, you don't. I agree with you. Fucking things. What do you want me to say? It's just an annoying app.

Yeah. That annoys me. Don't like this skin on this app. Right. It's just on the phone. Are you ready? Yeah. I am ready.

Yeah, I am ready. Okay, see? I'm paying. Here we go. Let's play fair. And go. And go. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages,

it's time for Paul Gannon's Magical Story. And this week it's called Eli the Crab and the Magic Mushrooms. Working ahead a bit of work. So one day... You're handing me the mushrooms. No, no, I'm saving that. This is just a title. No, you're wasting them.

It's just a title. I've not worked it into the plot yet. It's foreshadowing. It's Chekhov's gun. This is Chekhov's mushroom, isn't it? You talk about pretentious. Put Eli's crab down. Fucking hell.

One day... Are you going to say Star Wars is the greatest Western you've ever seen? Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there was a little crab called Eli, and he woke up. How he woke, did he? How he woke. How he woke. I like this.

I am being. I have become my true. So then he woke up, and all of a sudden, there was a bang, bang, bang at the door. Bang, bang, bang. So just out of coincidence, that's what's going to drive this narrative, is it? Just some unconnected thing happens. Nothing.

It's the early morning, is it? Which you've stolen from me. Wait. All stories can start any time of the day. And I've chosen to start at the same time of the day. It was night then. And he just woke up and said awakenings awakenings did he?

He was woken up by the bang bang bang. You've got no consistency. I'm just changing it up to match your expectation. Right. So Eli the crab wakes up in the middle of the night

because there's a bang bang bang on the door. In the middle of the night now. Yeah. So it's not morning. Make up your fucking mind. I'm just going to swerve where you swerve.

Alright. That's all I'm doing. So at first Eli was concerned but actually he knew exactly what that sound meant. It was his best friend, Paul Elephant, who came round and he was like, oh, hello, Eli.

Why do they all live in this silly world? How are you today? How does this world work? And Eli Crabbe was like, ah, it's so good. How come animals talk in this world and live in buildings? Paul the Elephant goes,

did you do the stuff for Cheap Show? I forgot that. I was just drunk. We'll do something else. It's fine. We won't do the noodle special. We have to take this. We won't do the noodle special.

Because I'm just too tired, mate. So Paul the Elephant went, oh, that's really inconvenient. It's really inconvenient. Anyway. Paul, you've got so long. You've come to a total halt. And Paul was really angry.

And Eli Crabb knew that. So Eli Crabb decided to do something special for Paul Elephant. So Eli Crab went out into the garden and plucked himself one of the special mushrooms from the dinkly dell at the bottom of the garden, where he was told not to ever take mushrooms. Good foreshadow and payoff. Anyway, Paul, just fucking calm down. Why? You're fucking just chill. You, ah, Paul, just fucking calm down, right? Why?

You fucking just chill. You're just fucking on edge. Fucking calm down, we're fine. And I'm like, well, I worry about stuff

Eli Crabbe. I know you don't, but it's just, sometimes I get, it just does me head in. And I go, oh, wait, I've got this.

And he gave Paul Elephant a fucking bit of this mushroom. And Paul Elephant decides, oh, I'll give it a go. So he snoffs it down. And all of a sudden, all of a sudden, Paul doesn't like it. All of a sudden, the ground swells up like the ocean. And the waves are crashing.

And the waves, the sand is like waves crashing around. Paul the Elephant. And in the distance, Paul can hear Eli say, Ah ha ha ha. He ate a fucking mushroom. What a cat. I can't even handle it. And Paul's tripping out and he doesn't know what to do.

Look, he's going all wibbly wobbly and he's upset. Paul elephant is sad. Put that sad face down. Okay. I haven't got a minute. Shit. One minute. So, Paul all of a sudden looks into the sky

and sees this massive gauge in the air filling up going from sane closer to insanity. He goes, oh no, I'm going more insane. It's part of his hallucination. It's a bit of a sort of get out of everything clause, isn't it? If they're hallucinating.

And then he saw this and then he saw that and then he imagined the end of this story. And then he starts freaking out and Eli Crabb doesn't know what to do

and sees that Paul's in danger so Eli Crabb goes to his cupboard and pulls out a ray gun and goes, I should get out of here. He just happens to have. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Zaps Paul to death and Paul's dead lying there on the ground. And Eli's going, I've gone too far. Why is he rubbing his nose? Because that's what Eli Crabb does with his crab pins. He goes, how are you? And then he drags him down to the basement and goes, Paul, I'll just say he never turned up. Five, four, three, two, one.

Eli will suddenly realise that he doesn't make the podcast. And so his career's over. And he's going to do the show anymore now that Paul's dead, eh? And Eli realises he's done a terrible thing because now he can't make a podcast by himself. He doesn't know how to edit, does he? He doesn't know how to edit. Paul, you need to stop doing the story now.

Thank you, that was... So Eli Crabb drinks himself to death. Whoa! Age 50. The story! The end! Did you like it? Paul, I think... Did you like it?

When we stop doing this week's episode of Cheap Show, starring Paul Gallen and Eli Silverman we need to have a talk and I don't mean in the metaphorical outside the podcast space honestly

well I think that was a very successful story time there was elements of your story that definitely were better than mine thank you

but it was real it felt real felt really real I don't know those whole digressions they're not digressions that's character formulation character stuff in there but i really felt that you in terms of actual narrative i feel really good you weirdo feel really happy you oh the way you stitched it together you use shake it out you

these things made had no narrative connection apart from just turning up the ray gun just turned up also it's lazy to have one of your characters

hallucinate and then it can just hallucinate for example the worst you know it's a ladder to go down a

mountain with a bag full of beds that came out of nowhere he needed the ladder to go down a mountain

at least he's using the object you just hallucinate you're fucking thinly thin Lizzy thinly veiled thin Lizzy you go down the mountain at least he's using the object you just hallucinate you're fucking thinly thin Lizzie thinly veiled

thin Lizzie you autobiographical character Paul the elephant could have been anyone could have been any Paul hallucinates at one point

and looks and sees a huge fuel gauge in the sky weak that goes from saying to mad and then it snaps that's why

yeah it did you listen back when you listen to the episode if you ever do because you just turn off don't you once we finish recording? You don't engage at all. It's like,

oh, damn it. Don't you remember? But it's, Paul. What? It's like an artist wouldn't just look at his own painting. Mate, I heard what you said

when you were on the roof of the podcast. I heard what you said. You thought I was down below and you couldn't, I couldn't hear you call me a cunt. Isn't it soundproof? You should have closed the hatch first, shouldn't you? I heard what you said. You thought I was down below and I couldn't hear you call me a cunt. Isn't it soundproof?

You should have closed the hatch first, shouldn't you? I heard what you said, mate. The podcast roof has got all the eggshells. Mate, I heard what you said. So that's why I'm angry. So maybe the next time

you want to talk to the audience outside the podcast, just keep your voice down. Right, I'll make sure. And it hurt me. Well, it wasn't for you. If I do it again, you'll do one over.

Whatever it was mate cheers that's the end of this segment hey everybody we're back and remember me and Eli are just good friends

don't worry about us it's all characters we're not really like that it's fine anyway it's now time to say goodbye to another episode of Cheap Cheap

we hope you've enjoyed yourself this week. We have. I feel great. I feel like I've got a lot off my chest. It's really weird.

Anyway, if you want to contact the show, you can. Thecheapshow at gmail.com for any emails you want to send. Can they send us

stuff? Yes, they can now send us. To the new P.O. box? Yes, we are sharing one with Digitizer and if you want to send us anything,

do it. Don't send shit. You know what I mean? Send stuff that you think would be good for the show, interesting, worth a chat, worth a laugh,

or maybe an item that we can put into a kind of audience-sourced price of shite. And sauce and noodles. Yeah, potentially. If you would like to send us something, please do. It's Cheap Show, P.O. Box 1271 Harrow, H.A. 3 3 N.S.

You do it. It's good. It feels like you'd be on the telly. Like you're doing going live. So if you wanted to send something in to us here on Cheap Show, everybody, you're doing going live. So if you wanted to send something in to us here on Cheap Show

everybody just send it to Cheap Show which is P.O. Box 1279 Harrow H.A. 3

Why did I say 9? Well It's written wrong. Thank you for coming in for the audition. We don't think you're quite right for it. I'm doing a different voice.

No, we're not going to pencil you in for another audition. I'm coming all this way can I just have one more go? And you can put your clothes back on, because that wasn't necessary either. It's not to do... This is not for the character.

This is just because... And erect? Erect, though? It's just I've got a medical condition. With a Danny Longlegs tag off the tip of it? What's that about? Why have you got a big Danny Longlegs tag off the tip of your penis?

It's part of the medical condition. Is it? Yeah. It's just weird to see. Yeah. Mr. Dangly is a friend of mine as well. All right. We'll let you have one last go.

I could do it in a different voice. Yeah, please. Thank you for listening to Cheap Show. And if you've got anything to send us, boys and girls, please send it to our new P.O. Box. That's Cheap Show, P.O. Box 1271, Harrow, H.A. 3, 3NS. Thanks very much. Good.

Was that all right, Mr. Twangy? We'll be in touch. Yes, that was fine. We're on Facebook. We're on Instagram. We're on Tumblr. Just look for Cheap Show or Cheap Show Pod. You'll find us eventually.

We've got a Reddit page if you want to join in the conversation there. And where can they see if they wanted to see you know some stuff that's been on the show where would they look for that our website thecheapshow.co.uk and then just look for

the episode you want and find the pictures and videos that accompany said episode okay then what else oh we're on twitter at thecheapshowpod

I'm at paulgannonshow Eli is Eli Snoid E-L-I-N-S-O-I-N-O-I-N-O-I-N E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N-I-N alright so they don't have to patreon.com forward slash cheap show you get lots of little bonus content

magazines podcasts videos stuff that the larger world won't see for a long time what do you mean the larger world

won't see it well some videos will go on YouTube publicly after a few months but most will stay private priority access they do indeed

and that's it thank you very much for joining us we'll be back next time. We've got lots of exciting stuff coming up in the future, haven't we, Eli? I've lost the will to speak now, Paul. Goodbye, you fuck.