CheapShow - Ep 149: The Long Walk Home

Episode Date: October 18, 2019

Although you have yet to hear it, the fall out from Episode 150 can already be felt in the world of CheapShow. Paul is humiliated and Eli thinks the world should hear the episode and let them be the judge. As a result, Paul takes to following Eli through the streets of London, via acting auditions, farty buses and personal reminisces. Will they actually get around to making an episode this week? Will Eli edit episode 150 himself? What will Paul ask Eli to do for Halloween? Find out in Part One of our Three Part "Fall Out Trilogy" - to celebrate 150 episodes! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-149-the-long-walk-home If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Hello Cheap Show listener I'm Paul Ganner I'm walking through London to meet Eli We're going to record 149 today And er What can I say, where do I put this I just don't know If I can do this anymore

I kind of feel that Eli's got these film roles and his advert he's doing an audition for an advert now he's going to get too big for the podcast and the fallout of 150 I just don't know if after the things that were said

the things that were done to me I don't know if we can carry on anymore. So I'm going to doorstep Eli right now and do things on his terms. I can't make me, pal. I'm doing an audition. Wanted me to book a day off.

Did he pay a little bit extra from the cheap show coffers to support his acting career. I've had enough. I've had enough. I'm just going to get through 149 and that's it. I've just got to find a bloody place now. Where is it?

Right, check the map. Audition house. It's handy. That probably means it's cheap office space that a bunch of talent and casting agents use to make people feel awkward whilst they audition for on a KFC bloody advert. Looking at the BT Tower. Looms overhead.

What am I going to do with my life? Eh? What am I going to do with it? Eh? Right, let's meet Eli, see what he's got to do. It's all about Eli these days, fine. Right, here we are. Let's just bang about for a bit. Excellent, let's do that.

Mr. Silverman. Mr. Eli Silverman. Stop it. Stop. Superstar Eli Silverman, star of Stuart Ashen's Polybius Heist and Checker Trade Adverts. Is this the Coal Report or something? Yeah, this is me following your life. I want to do an investigation on you.

I don't want this to happen. This is weird. He's going to an audition, ladies and gentlemen. Probably for man-holding mop this week, not broom. Good luck. I've got to go into the audition now. All right, well, you have fun. You put your best foot forward.

You're going to West End DJ? I need to get a new mic. Because do you know the one I use for the 150th? Absolute sounds like shit. Oh. So I'm going to buy a new mic. OK. How long are you going to be?

Probably only about 20 minutes. That gives me time to go there and back, doesn't it? Okay. Unless you want to come. No, no, no. All right, I'll meet you back... what do you want to do? I'll meet you back here. I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes.

Okay, mate. All right, good luck. All right. Break a knee. Thank you. Bye. Wanker. I hope he doesn't have any luck.

I hope it goes badly. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. I hope he doesn't have any luck. I hope it goes badly. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of cheap show. You're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. The fucking cassette Moodle time Tales from the dance floor

How's the big guy? A fight of sh site This is for guaranteed Hello Eli Silverman Welcome to Geek Show I'm not going on a nuzzle Oh, oh here we are I'm back, I've bought me a microphone

Oh here he is Mr Silverman, Mr Silverman Hello here he is. Mr. Silverman. Mr. Silverman. Hello. How did the interview go, Mr. Silverman? It wasn't an interview. How was the criminal interview, Mr. Silverman? You've got an interview on your mind because there's something you didn't attend.

What, an interview for a job? Yeah, I didn't attend one of those today. Why was that? Because you're dyslexic with dates. It's a problem you have with dates. Numbers. Specifically. Numbers generally date the number dates, specifically. I'mas generally dates the number, number dates specifically.

I'm monthlexic. Right, you wanna hear a, good that's good the way you put two words together like that. So inspiring. Sorry. You're fucking treading on thin water right now mate, you know what you are. It's Bench. Come here you. Today I'm out to look into your seedy little life.

Right. Follow you around London, so what have you been up to? I was at an audition for an advert shooting in Prague. Oh. What did you have to do? Did you have to hold a mop? Or this time did you hold a ladder? I had to pretend I was gardening.

And then someone comes along in a big bouncy car. That's it. What's the advert for? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You don't know? I know the name of the company, CS George. Does that ring any bells?

No. I have no idea. It's not bouncy cars or gardening equipment, that's for sure. But then, like, that advert for Checker Trade wasn't really about anything. It was just people in work environments. Can I be honest with you, Paul? Yes, it's a candid podcast, and I would like you to be both. I don't understand that ad for checker trade

what's meant to be happening there what who am i what am i doing what are they all doing i don't understand what does checker trade do well checker trade their job um it sounds like we're advertising checker trade now but as far as i know, they just check trades background to see if they're legit. Ah, so it's... Maybe you were performing as a... A not legit tradesman. That makes sense. Yeah.

Because my broom was on fire, wasn't it? Yeah. But at the end, you're still standing in line with all the other people saying checker trade, so... Well, I got checked. I got checked hard. Another couple of checks you should go under. Yeah?

What? Penis warts.arts penis warts check I passed that check what you've got two I've got the required amount of penis warts what's the number of penis warts required for whatever it is you think penis warts are required for for squeezing they're required for squeezing

pus out for me I like running a lollipop stick down the side of my warts and making it go a clacker, clacker, clacker. A clacker, clacker, clacker. Yeah. Or, you know, in my meters you can put a little helicopter

In your meters you can put a little helicopter propeller. And then when you run the lollipop stick off my warts it makes the helicopter propeller go round like one of Tim's toys. Why would it? It wouldn't.

It would. Have you seen those toys where you get a little propeller and a stick and you run your finger up and down on it? I've heard, I think they're called whirly gigs. I've turned my penis into a fleshy whirly gig. No, you haven't. I have.

I'll show you. I'll show you later. I'll pop a little propeller in my meters. This is not entertainment for anyone. I don't care. I'm still not happy about what we did on 150. Look, we need to put that out. No, we're not putting that out.

Yes, I can do it. We'll just bang out another episode next week and put that out. It doesn't fucking matter. I've got someone who can edit it for me. They're very discreet. I've got it all. Why are you going to edit it? Who's this editor? It's Mr. X. I'm just checking we're recording. Just checking we're recording. Oh, hang on. Good. So what, there's a Mr X,

and he's going to, what, edit this podcast. Yeah. What are you going to do with the footage? He'll edit it. We're going to be fair. We're going to be balanced. I think... No, but what you did to me on that day was unfathomable. I didn't do anything.

And everyone was at each other's necks. You did it to yourself in the past. You did it to yourself when you formed... No. What? I'm not mentioning it yet, because if this episode doesn't go out, I don't want people knowing in episode 149... What are you doing following me around, anyway?

I'm just trying to fucking do my daily thing. Why are you here with a muff? Sticking a furry muff in my face? Because I want to know what you're up to. Well, I had an audition. Yeah, here's my point, right? Behind the scenes, going behind my back, starring in a movie with Stuart, doing little adverts, all the little projects going on.

What? I have to make a living for it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just following you around. And what you did to me in 150, it shows that you've got a Machiavellian mind. Mate, you know what? This is going to lead to the end of this, the end of all of this. If it ends, it's your fault. It's not my fault.

It's you. You're the one who drew the dagger and asked me to plunge it into my own heart in front of two of my friends and Biffo. It's raining. It's raining in my heart. So this is what I'm doing, I'm just following you around.

What, episode 149, ladies and gentlemen? It's all about Eli. Let's follow Eli around. What are you doing, Mr. Silverman? I'm trying to get out of the fucking rain, mate. Let's go over here. Oh, let's go over here. Oh, no, it's starting to... Oh, no.

Rain. Let's go under the pod banner. Okay, under pod. Where we can at least... I know, that's why we can go under the banner. The pod have closed down. Did you know that?

Do you know who's bought pod? Who? Pret-a-manger. No, I didn't know that. I don't know that. You don't know a fact you've just told me you don't know. No, I know't know that. I don't know that. You don't know a fact you just told me you don't know. No, I know that Pret a Manger bought Eat. Right. So Eat is going to shut. Well, poor Pod.

Look, Pod is gone. Pod is no more. Look at all the stuff Pod owns. All the chairs and tables and stuff. Pod is dead. Do you have un papier de cigarette? I think I do have a Rizzler. Let me stop this recording and fish it out, all right? Welcome to Eli's show. The show that charts Eli's life. Paul Gannon.

Life documentator. life documentator life documentator life documentator for Eli Silverman he's getting a bus home and we're going

like now this Eisenhower centre right this is where all the tunnels start isn't it under London

for the Prime Minister and like stuff but it's also a ventilation for the tube isn't it or something i don't know yeah there's one building that looks very similar on the other side by the american church isn't there what american church oh yeah that american church yeah it's all um it's all underground stuff isn't it yeah i heard this is where all the tunnels are for like well i went to see the audition we had some weird cavernous underground sort of spaces in it.

And also, it's called the Audition Place House. Audition House. The Audition House. It was terrible. Is it good money if you get it? Fly to Prague for a day, two grand. It's alright. Seems to be about average.

I also haven't got a passport. Did you tell them that? No. Of course you didn't. You know how long it could take you to get a passport? How long?

Well, it could take you like three to four weeks. No, no. It could do. No, it couldn't do. It would definitely take you two weeks. No week i go into the office you get it done in a day you pay 160 quid you get it done in a day really yeah that's what i did last time i took about a week to get mine done that was a few years ago there was no rush but oh the voice did you pay did you just let off a bit i didn't

How much did you pay? Did you just let off a big fishy woofter? No. It's a big fish smell coming from your guff hell. It's not coming from me at all. It's coming from your guff hole. Coming from your guff hole. Coming from your guff hole.

One, two, three. Coming... No, go on. No, I will. No, I won't. Do you want to do it in public? Ladies and gentlemen, singing his new hit, Coming From Your Guff Hole. Royal Academy of Art there.

I saw a few radio plays recorded there. Is it there? Where? They record some... I don't know if they do now, but they have recorded some Radio 4 shows. He went in there and went, Coming From Your Guffhole,

Coming From Your Guffhole, Coming From Your Guffhole, One, two, three, Coming From Your Guffhole. It sounds like the worst Disney film. What's the worst Disney film? What's the worst Disney film? What's the worst Disney film? Live action or animation?

Live action. Don't know, there's too many of them. But out of the ones I've seen, maybe Eddie Murphy's Dr. Dolittle. Yeah, yeah. Did they do that? Did they do the original Dr. Dolittle? With Rex Harrison?

I don't believe they did but I could stand corrected on that. Oh I thought that was one of their ones that wasn't them. Oh maybe it's not, maybe the reboot isn't a Disney one. I don't think it is, I think it's Dreamworks. Something like that. Something like that. Oh fucking funnily. Green light we can cross, ladies and gentlemen. We're walking through centre of London. Look there's RADA. You ever been in there? No, wouldn't take me in there would they?

I didn't try, I didn't try to get in. What's your audition piece Mr Silverman for RADA? It's a little song I've created called 1, 2, 3, coming out your chuff hole. 1, 2, 3, coming out your chuff hole, I'm Eli Silverman and I act, oh, chuff hole, oh. You know what, maybe doing this in public's not great, it's like a lot of people just looking at us. Yeah, let's not. Watch out for this cyclist. I will look out for this cyclist, I've crossed here three times today, that's the fourth. How funny, how wonderful how the world turns out. Same cyclist. I've crossed here three times today. That's the fourth. How funny. How wonderful how the world turns out. You're saying cyclist? Yeah, because I recognise your glasses and your orange coat thing.

And your shapely buttocks. Paul Gannon apologises on behalf of Eli. But this is Eli roaring tooth and claw. Listen, mate. I think after what happened, that you can no longer attack me on anything now after what happened it showed that you are not a friend at all and actually you're too willing to embarrass me in front of people i care about and work professionally with it has to happen at some point where did you even get that from i'm mr x isn't it I'm Mr X, innit? Fine. I'll find out who sent it eventually. And when I do, I'll fucking...

Don't even delve into it. There's truths you don't want to uncover. There's things best left warm and moist under a covering of shell. You know what? When you don't have anything to say, you can just say nothing. No, I said what I wanted to say, and I've said it. Yeah, but what you said was claptrap. Down here.

What, through the hospital schools? Through this. Yeah, through the street. The London University of Economically Science. Yes. Oh, London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. Yes. I was waiting for that bike to go past before I said.

Because he's one of these cunts who decides to make his bike sound as loud as possible. Go get some dengue fever. They're telling me some dengue fever. To be fair, I'm pretty sure you've got your own. Like you've got surplus amounts of riddling around in your... Where's it live on my body? Oh, where do you think I'm going to say it lives? Well, I'm asking, where does it live?

It's going to squirrel away in your dirty dingus. In my dingus hole? Yeah. You've got a bit of gengi in your dingus. Yeah? Gengus dengi. Gengus deng. All right, OK, well, great.

Gengus deng. Come on, mateeng. Right, okay, well, great. Genghis Deng. Come on, mate, if this becomes Eli's show, you know, you've got to start leading. Just let me deal with the whole edit for the 150th. I'll put it out. If it goes out, I want context. I want people to know. I want to have conversations with Stuart. No.

With Biffo and Ash. I want to get their reactions. I don't want this to just be, ha ha ha, look at Paul. It wouldn't be that, Paul. It's an interesting thing. And it suits Cheap Show. You just want me to be embarrassed by it all.

But if it goes out, I want it to go out in context. I want to have my say on what happens. You've had your say. No, I didn't have my say. You've had your way. God. Don't get run over. That's a big old museum, eh? what happens you've had your say no I didn't have my say away yes it's the British Museum isn't it walking past the British Museum it's good it sorry I'm very weary all of a sudden yes Eli I too I too am very weary. So, shall we go up here then? Look Paul. What?

Stone lion. Yeah? Look it's a van. Stop Justin, this is not iSpy. Golden laurels on sticks I'm coming up with a new character oh god Genghis Deng hello I'm Genghis Deng I've decided I'm just going to walk ahead now hello I don't know him people looking at us stop saying hello

hello oh excuse me oh god I'm Genghis Deng hello Hello? Stop. Oh, excuse me. Oh, God. I'm Genghis Deng. Hello. What's his thing? What's Genghis Deng's thing? Well, I've got my foreskin full of biomes.

What? I've got all bacterial cultures in my foreskin. Genghis Deng. Well, you know what? I'm not won over by this at all you were never won over by anything because it sounds like

Teen Yeti to be honest no it's Genghis Deng it just sounds like no it sounds like Teen Yeti but like an octave lower well

different then yes now I'm glad you've invited me here there's nobody with that voice in public it's just we're walking past many people I'm glad you invited me here. You're still going to do that voice in public. It's just, we're walking past many people. I'm glad you invited me here.

Yes, Teen Yeti. No, it's going to get stung. Sounds like Teen Yeti. Well, fucking your character's all sounds the same. Have you not been recording? No, I've been recording. Just got to double check every once in a while. Because this is gold and I don't want to miss out on all this. Would you like a little little

cupful of me foreskin biome? It's not going to fly. It's not going to fly. Oh. Eli nearly hit by a Land Rover there bringing Cheap Show to an early end oh there's another oh it's all crazy still take your earphones out mate if you're going to be on your bike that's my opinion cyclists everywhere driving like wanks what's all this

is it safe to cross? I'm going to cross look both ways look both ways and cross the road. That's how you do it. Oh, I was so obsessed with Watson before skin that I didn't look up. It's funny because when you were running away from the car, you looked like one of those penguins. You run like a penguin. You have this. That's how you do it. All right, Genghis Deng's going.

Bye, Genghis Deng. Thank staying thank you for uh yeah i just said fuck off do you know what don't man you know what in mind you come out of character just to complain about me saying you were like a penguin yes you know my nickname was at school penguin boy no not penguin boy the penguin penguin penguin I'm used to eating worms like a bird I did that once and that was

before I was called penguin years before yeah well there's a correlation so listen maybe you're

half human half bird you can't complain about me harking back to something that you regret about your

you know past and then tease me about things that actually mean... Don't ever call me that, all right? And I'll just list the things you're not allowed to call me now.

Penguin. Munchkin. All right. No munchkin, yeah? No dwarf. Long arse they used to call me as well. Long arse? Yes.

Why? Arse sticks out. Anything else from your childhood you don't need to call you? Failure? Disappointment? Oh, fuck off. Fuck, fuck. Must have heard that a lot when you were growing up.

No, I didn't. You failure. I didn't. You disappointment. I didn't hear that a lot when I was growing up. Should have. That coach is called Ode. Ode to coach.

It's a tree there. What bus are we getting? That coach is called Ode. Ode to coach. It's a tree there. What bus are we getting? We're just still wandering around London. Oh, change is going to do me good. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. Do you know that Elton John song, St Peter's? What's it called?

Don't know. Obviously, I don't know the song then. St. Peter's what? Fire? Something about St. Peter's. Something he's going to do to Elton or something. St. Peter's going to do something to Elton John? Yeah, it's like, oh, St. Peter's, don't do that to me, Elton John. He now sounds like Neil from The Young Ones.

I wasn't doing an impression of Elton. Well, you weren't doing an impression of anything, really, were you? No, I wasn't, Paul. No. No, I wasn't. Except a new character joining the pantheon. No, stop. No, we're not doing... You know what? After 150, no more characters. It's going to be a rational podcast.

Well, I don't... You know what, Paul? After 150... We're going to be a rational podcast. Well, I don't... You know what, Paul? After 150... We're going to need a serious fucking reboot. Well, so we're going to put 150 out then? You're saying yes? No, I haven't decided yet. I want to come up with something that I get out of this. You know what?

After 150, I don't think I'm comfortable doing characters around you. Because if they get too cartoonish... Oh, you know... You know what? Stop talking. Stop talking. You're getting... I'm not. Shut up. You're pretending now, talking. Stop talking. I'm not, shut up.

You're pretending now, thinking about my characters. Do you want to say that any louder in public? Do you want to? Right now, after listening back to the footage, I think I'd be unwise to put it out. Why? Because it's embarrassing. And you did it spitefully.

No, I didn't. And I'll never forgive any of you for it. I did not do it spitefully and I'll never forgive ever you any of you for it I did not do it spitefully well you know what as a service to you primarily my friend who needs to have some demons that they needed to exercise I've got demons oh I've got demons little demons big demons short round rotund demons long-ass demons long-ass demons penguin demons i've got penguin demons coming out of my meters i've got a demon i've got a shadow i've got a familiar that hangs in my shadow and when i think i can trust him he pops out of his little box and he goes... I thought he lived in your meters. Now he lives in a box.

Is it a box in your meters? Yeah. I've got a Russian nesting doll of dicks. How? How does a box fit in your meters? Have you got a big floppy... It's a wizard sleeve of a meters. Is that what it is?

A big floppy wizard sleeve of amethyst? Is that what it is? A big floppy fish pancake. A big fish sail. A big fish membrane. A big sail. A big zeppelin. A big deflated zeppelin. I hope anyone looking at us on the closest street thinks I'm interviewing an idiot. Deflated cock meat zeppelin.

Shut up. I like that hotel. Zeppelin thinks I'm interviewing an idiot deflated cock meat Zeppelin my penis is like a TARDIS it's a lot bigger on the inside than on the outside and I could put a lot of stuff in it yeah it helps me when I move out you can put furniture up it you do yeah I can definitely put a sofa on there and a coffee table. Maybe a cabinet. Could you fit a time machine in there? No. It's good.

It's good content. Oh, it's a bike. Wonder what this means. It's the Prime Minister coming through? It's an ambulance. He's not going to sell many ice creams going at that speed. I don't know, I'm following you. What bus are we meant to be getting?

Oh, get one down there. Get round there. Come on down there. Get round there, one down there. Come down here, come down here, come round here, come down here, down here round here. Shut up. We're not the house of pickles now. You're getting the weird looks. Yeah because shut up. What's a hot pot restaurant. What's that? What's a hot pot restaurant? You get this big bowl of broth that you have raw meat and veg that you cook yourself with your dining companions. That's fun.

I want to do that. Do you? Yeah. That'd be good, wouldn't it? It's like a Vietnamese restaurant, isn't it, where they have a little hot pan in the middle of your table? Yeah. And they cook the food there. No, that's teppanyaki. That's different. Same difference, though, isn't it where they have a little hot pan in the middle of your table and they cook the food there no that's teppanyaki that's uh that's like that's different same difference though isn't

it well they cook it there yes but that's a hot that's a griddle this is actually a a big pot full of liquid broth that you put stuff in good all right fine we're at bloomsbury park walking past bloomsbury park now. Mr Men. Mr what? Mr Wei. Mr Wei. It's the Chinese down there. Oh. There's quite a lot of Chinese restaurants actually around here, weirdly. I've never noticed that until just now.

This is a popular touristy area though, I imagine. There's hotels everywhere. There's the Imperial and the Bedford. It's very central, isn't it? It's very central lots lots to do for the tourist change your money get tour tickets go to a restaurant or a Nero pizza express how long they'll be going around for we don't know what's it like oh they've got a taco bell oh i'm getting tacos are you getting a Taco Bell now? Mate, you're going to blow out your ale.

You should probably stay that close to privacy. Alright, well, on that note I'll let him go and do some damage to his arsehole, the Taco Bell. We're on the bus, finally. Just about, I've got to take my bag off, everyone's getting on it's exciting. I'm in everyone's way. Standing room only ladies and gentlemen. Hey, hey, hey.

Do you know what crime always goes unpunished? The crime of flatulence? Yes. That's a good one, yeah. I was on the bus and... Oh, you... No, no, no, not me, not me. Oh, you mean that? There were three? I actually got it right? Yeah. There were three people around me and one of them literally poured out a dog's dinner. Really?

Why does that always happen to you, I wonder? I don't know what it is about me where people feel comfortable dropping their guts. Really? It was a bad one? Mate. Yeah. Because the horrible thing is, there's that weird moment when someone farts. Because one of you knows who's done it, right? But the people nearby wonder who's done it. Yeah. But they're also aware that the people nearby may think they've done it.

Yeah, everyone... So how do you act? I tend to scowl and look at everyone like I hate them. But that's the person who would fart, would definitely do that to throw suspicion off. I don't care if they think it's me. I know's not me i'm disgusted i'm disgusted with them whoever they are well they're dirty people and i'm upset i know especially if i've got a bad one you know everyone knows yeah how bad generally their guffs are that day don't they do you know what i mean

yeah they've let out a little squeaker at some point early in their day and you've started you mean to go on and they've gone up they've either usually oh nothing you know but sometimes you know it's a christmas dinner yeah and i don't think it's funny i i when people know that they're bad and then just do it anyway it makes me sick sick to my stomach because it's poo particles in the air literal particles of poo floating in your nose and nose and mouth it's not just the poo poo particles though paul it's not just the poo poo i mean that's a big part still it's the actual gut gas it's the sulfuric gut gas that is made by the the bacteria in the stomach do you know what i mean and it's this kind of intimacy i feel like i feel by the bacteria in the stomach. Do you know what I mean? And it's this kind of intimacy.

I feel like I'm in your stomach. At the poo end of your stomach. Nose first on a journey into shitsville. So what bus are we getting then? We've just got off the 38 Paul, but you'll notice we could have got the 19

as well. I thought we were meant to be getting the 19, but there's no point in getting the 19 now. No, the 19 takes us here. And also, it'd just be packed by this point on the journey. We're in Clerkenwell, aren't we? Yeah, where are we? I don't even know. You just sent me a text saying, next stop.

Clerkenwell, and we are getting the 341. Almost to your door. I was gonna say that is the premium. There should be an expression for the bus that takes you closest to where you actually live. The golden route. My golden route? My golden... Alright no that's fine. We're workshopping it. Golden route is also what ex-lovers of mine have... Not called your penis....I've got between my legs. They've gone, ooh, we had our problems,

but there was a golden root. Yeah, no, his penis looked like a long, dangly, many-splintered root vegetable. Many-splintered root vegetable? Yeah, you know, like when a carrot's like a root split. When a carrot looks like a pagan god. Yeah, when it's like a veggie slice of dynamite. I don't know what that meant.

I was meant to say like lightning. Yes. But not dynamite. Dynamite is much more classically phallic. Although now I want to know, I kind of want to make it work. I want to know how I can make a veggie slice of dynamite. I think it's another character, isn't it? Perhaps...

No, no, he doesn't do that. Dengus, Dengus Deng. Perhaps Dengus Deng could meet him. I've joshed off your golden roots and now it's time for Splash Mountain. Here's our bus, but is it too crowded? Let's find out. We've been pussies about the bus these days.

We got bit in the arse, didn't we, by that one? We're like, oh yeah, we've hacked the system, we're on a quiet bus. That little old lady didn't let me sit down in front of her.

She literally put her legs out when I went forward. What a little old bitch. So I just went, that's why I turned around to you and I was like, I'll just stand mate. Fuck off. I wasn't dealing with that today.

Let's have a... I hate people who have luggage and then put it on the seat and just sit there daring people to, you know what I mean, ask them to... Challenging. And people are too polite to ask them. No, they are, aren't they? But they shouldn't be.

That's the second crime of buses. And they reckon people are too polite to even sort of pull them up when they're literally slagging them off to their face about sneezing, for example. You know? Well, I'm not getting on the 341. It's packed. It's too's packed too busy yeah there's a 19 behind it let's just wait for the next one all right i might have a little uh don't mess with my toot toot i know you got another woman so don't mess with my two Toot toot. Great stuff. Yes.

You want to see Splash Mountain? No. Well, if you did, what you've got to do is massage the foothills, you know what I mean? Palm all the foothills underfoot. You see, you're less the Splash Mountain. You're more Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, aren't you, really? What's Toad's Wild Ride? Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Oh. I went to Taco Bell, everybody.

Yeah. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Can't believe you're doing an on-the-road source report. On-the-road source report. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Here's your roving reporter Eli Silverman

bringing you the freshest source report from on the road I've been on the road I've been to Taco Bell picked up a couple of sachets Paul do you want to

help with the report no it's your show mate no you help with the report please no I don't have to do anything there's another 38 we're not getting that it's 341

in my hand I hold two sachets of sauce. Peace in our time. These were gratis. Yeah. I got fire! Get on my level. It says get on my level because they are, they're like love hearts. They're like love hearts, the sauce you get in taco belk they've got little stupid things written on them what does the other sauce say different ones this is just a hot and i can tell you that it says fire as in that's their hottest it's not that hot probably hot for the average person though yeah what's it say on hot i have to read we're in this together and much like the source report paul what it's annoying and agitating no we're in this together. Much like the source report, Paul. What, it's annoying and agitating?

No, we're in it together. Oh, God. The source report, over and out, I have some sources. That's basically the extent of it. On the road, getting sources, reporting on them for you. Source report. Right, you can stop now. Where's this fucking three, four, one?

What? Hey! What? Lucky I got this... Wanker. What? Short gait when you walk, which makes you, I don't know, waddle.

Do I waddle? Yeah. Like that. Don't put my hand out at a right angle. You should. Maybe tie it all together. Why do you tie it all together? The way you walk like now, you just look like a half-wit.

A rambling bozo. Paul. Hello, a rambling bozo. Just let me put 150 out. It needs to be done. Stop going on about it. Stop going on. This episode is an expose of your arrogance.

What do you mean? I don't know. Yeah, exactly. You don is an expose of your arrogance. What do you mean? I don't know. Yeah, exactly. You don't know. You say things. Your mouth writes checks that your bum can't cash. Why would my arse cash anything? Don't you mean mouth? I said your mouth writes checks. That's what I said. But that's not the phrase, is it? Your mouth is writing checks.

Like your bum can't count. No, the bum doesn't need to be able to count them well then it doesn't need to be anything then does it it's no problem you when your mouth writes me a check and i go to the bank of gannon and go i've got this check from paul's mouth and i would like to cash it up your bum comes up your bum comes up to the window and goes... Great. What hilarious content this is. And it can't cash them!

I'd rather it be like you have to go in my bum... I know, we know that. That's the subtext of the whole fucking show, isn't it? Just saying. I'd rather you go in the bum bank and speak to a teller in there. Right. And he'll, you know, cash that cheque. He'll nudge me.

And you'll find, and you'll know that my ass can cash that cheque. Right. Good. I'm good for it, mate. Well, I always thought there was more room in your meat sale. The bank of ass is floating well. Okay. Why?

Because it's got a constant stream of... Revenue. Whatever, man. I don't even know what we're saying now. No, I don't. It's just bank words. Well, I'm hoping that the 341 is not so common, is it? No.

That's the problem we've got, Paul, is we've got stuck in London in rush hour, basically, haven't we? Yeah, because your audition. Which you thought you'd rather do than record Cheap Show, so this is what we're doing instead. Paul? Take a day off. All right.

We're taking a day off anyway for an audition. So what am I getting out of this? Nothing. So I'm making content as we go. £2,000. Yeah. Can Cheap Show match that offer? Even if it could, it won't.

You overestimate your value. What, to the pod? To everything. To the very existence of your being. Are you trying to encourage me to... Wank off in Trafalgar Square. Did you see that guy on Twitter, Dr. Anjad or whatever he's called? And he's like, masturbation is bad for you.

And he lists all the things that are bad. Smoking's bad for you. People still do it. People still do things that are bad for them. Meth. Drugs. Cocaine. Kebabs.

Heavy drinking at the weekend. Shut up. Cocaine. Shut up. Lots of people, Eli, lots of people do things that are bad for them. But why can't, I'm not saying. Overspending on vinyl that you collect but never really appreciate. It just gathers dust in your nest.

Stop with the attacks. I think I've got a good standing point to do it. You've got a good standing point? I've got a good standing vantage. You've got a good standing vantage? Yeah, I've got the higher ground. Is that what you meant? Eventually. Yeah, we got there. I'm just saying. yeah I've got the higher ground is that what you meant? eventually

yeah we got there I'm just saying why do you have the higher ground? because of the absolute shit two foolery the two foolery and shit shit two foolery er Paul

of your actions on the 150 you need to rein in your mouth it stopped writing checks and it started to issue bogus shares as in nonsensical shares shares that don't for a company see what's interesting is that when i goof i just go oh shut up whereas you will just work at it you'll workshop it you will workshop it until you eventually get to some word morassus

molasses ah fuck, fuck off. Where's the next bus? I'm bored of this. I don't know. Bored of this. I'm bored of you. I'm bored of the constant humiliation I get on this one. Digitiser.

I'm always that man. What man? The man you point at and laugh. And Paul takes it because he's a straight man. A straight man to his own life. It's 19. That's packed. See, that's the problem with the 3-4-1, isn't it?

So you're just hoping that you're going to get an episode out of this? Yeah. You're basically hounding me. Look, you don't have to be... I know it's embarrassing for you, but I think it would be good for the show if we have a little peek behind the foreskin or beef curtains. Take your pick.

Can I choose neither? I'd choose beef curtains. I'd just like a normal pair of curtains to peek behind that aren't beefy or, I don't know, last chicken in the shoppy. Okay. I don't know, last chicken in the shoppy. Okay, let's peek behind. The curtain, just say the curtain. You don't have to add anything dirty to it. You don't have to say... Can I say the snail carcass?

The beefy cumulative mound of flaps. Cumulative mound of flaps? Cumulative mound... Let's take a little peek. Oh, here we go. Dun-da-dun-da-dun. Dun-da-dun-da-dun-da-dun. Dun-da-dun-da-dun.

Bum-pa-bum-pa-bum-bum-bum. Have they announced who's going to play Inspector Gadget yet? Probably Will Ferrell. I don't know. Actually, as a pinch, that would be a bad choice. He's too lanky. Inspector Gadget was lanky, to the point where his arms and legs extended really long. He'd be better than Matthew Broderick.

They're not going to get Broderick back. Broderick's poison these days, isn't he? And Jeremy Renner. Matthew Broderick's album these days isn't he and Jeremy Renner Broderick's album I mean what career what was his career fall off because it has hasn't it well I mean he did well at the musicals and the producers and stuff but honestly I don't know apparently he's still haunted by the person he killed in Ireland so that's the whole thing how did he who did he kill in Ireland I think it was a drunk drive thing look I don't know all the details but apparently like he did it he ran someone down when drunk and then turned up a police station to like confess and the policeman went you him off the

films oh you can go really pretty much i mean in a very very very broad nutshell so apparently he's still haunted by that what What kind of broad nutshell? Like a Brazil? They get quite long. What is this about you? We're having a chat. And then you've got to go into like weird minutiae of detail. I will bring the weird minutiae,

the detail and the nuts abroad. Oh, I am. You are doing this in public. I have to keep telling you this. There are people around just waiting for a bus. And meanwhile, there's you. There's you going, floaty, humpy meters, bong bong, nutty nutty will wing.

I don't know. You should do that more, man. Nutty nutty will wing. Nutty nutty bing bong. I don't know. That's excellent. Thank you. That was excellent.

Let's just wait for this fucking bus. Well, patience wins out, ladies and gentlemen, because although we missed the next 341, because it was quite packed, the next ended up being practically empty. And it was very close behind as well, wasn't it? Almost unexpectedly so. We were expecting a few more minutes wait. We've modded London. Yeah we life hacked it. We haven't done one of those in episodes in years. I know it's because now others can think of any life hacks. Well it's meant to be your section so it's meant to be

your responsibility. I'll think of a life hack now. When there's a very busy bus usually there's an empty one behind which you can get on much more easy yeah but sometimes that's not true and it's not really a life hack so what you're saying is just be patient at a bus stop if you're in no rush wait a few buses yeah wait for the next bus that's not a life hack that's just common sense no but it is because people don't realize they think oh i missed that bus oh i'm stressing out oh my mental health wearing up yeah but some people are pressured to get into work on time and have to get a bus. Just go, ah, fuck it. There you go.

Ultimately, what it all boils down to, ladies and gentlemen, Eli's life hacks can be boiled down to one statement, and that is, fuck it. That is good. It's the fuck it plan. I've got a new book. That's already existed. What do you mean, that already existed? There's already a book called the fuck it plan or something. No there isn't. How do you know? Because I nearly bought it for a friend one Christmas as a present, i.e. you. Maybe I saw it. I

think it's like The Fuck It Plan, it tells you what you really need to get worried about and then what you can say fuck it to. What do you need to get worried about? I've not read it, so I don't know. There's also another book called Fuck That and Fuck This. It's Fuck It, Fuck That and Fuck This. What about Fuck It All? That's really depressive, that book, though. It's a bit defeatist. What about Fuck Me?

There's a book called Fuck Me. No, you can write that one. It'd be more like a begging letter more than anything else, wouldn't it, though? You trying to explain to the world why you should have sex. That would not be it. It would be me saying how amazed I am at stuff. As in,

fuck me. Look at all that stuff. He might need a bit of clarification on the cover. He might need to say, fuck me. Eli reacts to stuff. And then we could do the sequel.

Fuck me. Fuck me harder. Fuck me too. If I write a book. Oh, there's the old Red Lion Theatre but that's haunted as well, allegedly. With what? A lion? Ghosts. What's the ghost, what form does he take? A lion?

Arr! Ooh, arr! Me lion! Is it me, or the idea of ghostly animals isn't scary at all? No, because a real lion would be scary. Do you know what? Ghosts aren't scary, apart from the ones in hereditary. Shit the fuck out of me. All right, good.

Have you seen it? Hereditary, yeah. Yeah, didn't you find that a bit like, whoa? Yeah. No, it is. So that bit, I just think it's brilliantly done at the beginning, that bit where she goes, mum?

And it's very similar to the ghost effect in... Exorcist 3. No. at the beginning, that bit where she goes, mum? And it's very similar to the ghost effects in um... No. Yeah, no, there were some similarities with that, with her crawling across the wall, but um... I mean, that bit where she thinks she sees her mum, we'd see this thing. It's like the ghost effects in Ghost Hunt.

Ghost Watch. With pipes, just in the background, or a corner of the eye kind of thing which is how it should be yeah well that's the most effective way isn't it and the haunting where you don't see

any ghosts at all but your brain kind of thinks it does at times the black and white the haunting yeah because there's a great scene

where there's a character lying in bed and the room next door is meant to be empty but she starts hearing voices next door and they're stern voices, and someone's sad, and someone's upset.

But the shot is just on the camera facing the wall. So you're staring at the wallpaper for a few minutes and listening to the voices, and you start seeing faces in the wallpaper because of the pattern. So you begin to think you're seeing stuff. It's quite effective. It's very effective.

It's very effective. Right, we're going through Angel now. We're going through Angel now. This used to be our mucking ground. No, what's the word I'm looking for? Mucking. Stomping ground. Mucking.

I mean, it was our mucking ground too, to be fair. It certainly was. This is when that infamous photo of my wee-wee was taken. Yes. Just down there. Just down there, down the old antiques alley. It's not. It's called Camden Passage. So Joe took a picture of your tiny pep-pep. Whilst I was mucking. So it was my mucking ground, wasn't it?

Well, I think my opinion is if you get your penis out in public, people are allowed to take pictures of it. I didn't get it out in public. I was up against the corner in a wall. In a wall? Hanging out your up against the corner in a wall. In a wall? What, hanging out in your knob, hanging out of a wall? I had a little stint as the wall knob of Camden Passage. It's like a tour guide sort of position. I'd love that.

I could guide a load of people around. Just stand behind a wall with your flaccid knob hanging through a hole. And you have to powder it so it looks ghostly. So it looks like Edwardian. An Edwardian wall knob. I like this. I could take tourists on a tour and it culminates with them taking up to the passage. And if you listen very carefully, if you listen very carefully,

you can hear the snuffle, snuffle of a wall knob. Now you must sniff the wall knob. One of you must before we leave here, or you'll take demons back to Berlin. It's like touching the Pope's nose or whatever. That little black dog in Edinburgh. Don't touch the Pope's nose.

Pope's nose is part of a roast chicken. Oh look, they've got a canard a yard. Right, well that's the conversation done with then apparently, so good. I'll turn this off. What are you complaining about now? Complaining about people thinking I look old. You do look old, and you are old. How old do I look?

You look your age, and unfortunately you're 45. Oh, there's the age police coming to get you. It's that ice cream van from earlier. He won't sell any ice creams going at that speed. But he might sell some sausage rolls. Why? He might have a van selling sausage rolls and ice creams.

Oh, no, hot dogs. Or sausage rolls. I mean, Oh, remember hot dogs? All sausage rolls. I mean, I guess. You could do anything. When I lived in Cambridge, there used to be a van that came around selling fish and chips. Fish and chip van. Did it do ice cream as well? No. But I'd be suspicious. You know, that's what reminded me. I've got some ice cream.

Have you? Mango and raspberry. Oh, that's a sorbet. It's not ice cream. It's argandasse. It's ice cream. It's not ice cream. If it's fruity, it's not ice cream. It's Argan D'Arce, it's ice cream. It's not ice cream. If it's fruity, it's not ice cream. What? That's my opinion. Your opinion is wrong. Factually incorrect. It's not factually

incorrect, it's an opinion. It's no. You can't say, oh, in my opinion, fish and chips is curry. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I'm not saying that. I'm saying in my opinion, I don't feel that fruit in ice cream makes an ice cream.

It makes it a sorbet. It doesn't make it a sorbet. Oh, no, it's not a sorbet. Okay, so you're retracting what you said. It just makes it a fruity cream and I don't like it. A fruity ice cream? Admit it.

No. It's fine if you don't like it. The Solero count is the same thing the Solero has lolly on the outside and then a ice cream centre I just don't

fruit has been part of ice cream from the day one the day one the first day the last man we're nearly home anyway, ladies and gentlemen. We're heading back to Eli's... Port.

What? So, I've just put 150 out. No, let's not talk about this. I just want to go home and make an episode of Cheap Show 149. I just want to get back to yours. Oh, can we eat a plum? I've got an omegoshi plum. Do you know when the bus is really quiet and you say, can I eat a gushy plum?

Umegoshi. Umegoshi. Is that a make? Of plum? You don't have makes of plum, do you? Well, for the purposes of my brain, yeah. What make of plum is it? It's a type of plum.

And it's a way of preparing a special type of plum. It's a salty, dried plum. From Japan. Who's going to teabag me? Well, I already have. No, you haven't. Yeah. I can smell you a mile off. I'd wake up before you got anywhere near me.

I go on little raids with Precum John. They call me Te Tea Bagging Henry. Why don't you just call Tea Bag Terry? At least he's got a bit of alliteration. Well, you tell Precum that. Well then why does he call you Henry anyway? Your name's Eli. What about Dripping Eli?

No. And I do a little plum dance on your eyelids. The dance of the hairy plum fairy? Yes. Anyway, you'll be plum dance on your eyelids. The dance of the hairy plum fairy? Anyway, you'll be... Is that why when I wake up I can smell a cross between sweat,

glist, and curry? Let's try these plums though Glistering sweat. Glist. And curry. Paul. Let's try these plums though, in all seriousness. Let's try a plum out then. Yeah, I'll give you a plum in your mouth. I'm losing all faith in this show. I'm going to feed you a salty plum.

I'm going to pop a pear. plum. I'm going to pop a pair of salty plums into your... That's not legal. He said salty. He could have said peppery. Pickled. Pickled, peppery. Can I try again? Yeah. I'm going to pop a pair of pickled plums into your...

poo-poo hole. Great. What great content this is. What absolutely wonderful content Cheap Show continues to spew out. Ritual humiliation. What? It's anti-plealer restaurant. We can get a chicken doner wrap and a drink. Well, we can't anymore because they won't serve me. When you go in, you keep pointing yourself out to the fact that you look like

people on their posters. Chicken doner wrap and a drink is fiver, but homemade burger, cheeseburger and fries, seven quid. Do you get a drink? I don't think you do. Is the meat better, different than chicken? I don't know.

It's exciting, this, isn't it? It's the golden route. Three, four, one, two? It's the golden route. 3, 4, 1. 2. Angel Road Superstores. I like when Eli shuts down. He just starts pointing things and saying what he looks at. Labrooks.

See? Oh, look. Paul. Their furniture outlet is being sold. Wasn't that... Was that Disney's once? No, we passed Disney's. It was Savers.

Savers was Disney's. Really? Yeah. That was probably a family business that ran for years. It was... Not a lot of people know this, but that was actually Walt Disney's family.

No, it wasn't. It was. They had all different kinds of bedspreads named after Disney characters. They had a Mickey Mouse bed. They had Pluto's grotto. They had a Mickey Mouse bed. They had Pluto's grotto. They had the Little Mermaid bedpans

in there. They had... Come on, I'll give you all the time you need, mate, to say something finally funny with this whole statement you're making. They had... You've got until the next stop and you've got to make it work. They had Got until the next stop And you've got to make it work They had Lady and the Tramp stamps

Stamps? Yeah Limited edition First class Why would they have it in a bedding shop? Oh god 101 Dalmatians Mickey Mouse mattresses

101 Dalmatians Sheets Sheets God, crap Lion King Look, that corner shop's called Lion King Why though? Why is it called Lion King? I know, we're getting off now

Here we go ladies I've got everything, here we go Down the steps Here we go, ladies. I've got everything. Here we go. Down the steps. Exciting times. Seen that dark... Dark Fanta. What's it like? It's for Halloween, innit? Yeah, but is it dark? Yeah, it's probably colour-coloured innit? Err, can we get it for a cheap show?

Where we going? What you doing? Where we going? Mouthburst. Peri-peri. Those crisps are called mouthburst. I know, mouthburst crisps. It's a mouthburst. Yeah, if you want. Cream and onion. Do you want, should we get cream and onion? You pick what you want. Mouthburst, Paul. Yeah, I know. There's tangy tomato behind that as well. Those jalapeno and cheese from Mac Strong though We liked them didn't we

Have you ever seen that Have you ever seen that hot Mexican chips McCoy's I've never seen them before I'm in the way I'm going to stand outside Eli goes and feeds his fat head in a corner shop Finally now we're meant to be recording The Cheap Show podcast In the House of Pickles Eli goes and feeds his fat head in a corner shop finally now we're meant to be recording the Cheap Show podcast

in the House of Pickles at 2 o'clock today and so far I've discovered that I got my dates wrong and I missed a job interview so that's great again something I sacrificed to work around Eli's schedule and then when we booked the time off

Eli gets an audition and puts that ahead of Cheap Show. See what I mean, ladies and gentlemen? The effort I put in and the humiliation I go through and what he did to me makes me sick. Well, Well we're nearly at Eli's and then we can start recording. Once he finishes fanning around, a bit he's looking for dark tango now isn't he? You happy? I've got mouth burst. Peri peri? Peri peri mouth burst.

And what drink? Purde's. How exciting to be traveling to the very merry house of pickles, to the very merry house of pickles. Oh what delights will we see in the HOP? Will we see some sauce? Of course, of course. A horse, a horse flavoured snack. Shut up. What? Shut up. I'm adding some magic to this dreary fucking day. You're going to have to be on your best behaviour.

Why? Why am I going to have to be on my best behaviour? Because Rogan's got a suit on. Why has Rogan got a suit on? Because he's going to be, he's being very formal around the flat now. Why? So I have to say, hello, Rogan, good day to you. And then I have to say, here is my friend Paul. Perhaps you remember him from our previous encounters.

And you'd have to go, good to meet you, old householder, sir. Just walks off. Here we are, outside the... Well, obviously obviously the address will be kept secret for Eli's... You know what, why don't I just tell everyone your address and fuck you? Don't. They'll come round then. I'll have too much sex. You'll have what? You'll have too much sex? They'll come round insisting I perform Fat Sal. You're not allowed to do Fat Sal.

How about that? Oh, God. Thirty-six steps, is it, here? Thirty-eight. Thirty-eight. 36 steps is it here? 38. Is that the smell of cat? Unspayed cat. It smells like it. Or is that a... what else would it be? It's catty. Have you started milking cats? Oh here Oh, here we are Here we are Right What lovely times

We are Here we go Oh, God Right, so I've got a few things planned for the episode What's wrong with you? I'm tired, man Are you going to set up?

Yeah, in a bit I want to just go through a bit of some of the show stuff with you. That's all. I thought we'd just do that. Is that all right? I've got some vinyl. I've got that self-help one that I saw in a charity shop a little while ago. But the one that I wanted to show you,

I fucking cheer up, is this. Look at this. Hang on. Hang on. You have a look at this. This was sent in the po box mate have a look at that oh you like it this paul uh is a discotheque special yeah i guess that's the label it's more than 100 jingles from radio. London, Caroline. Well, that's not a place.

Veronica, Luxembourg. Maybe they're pirate boats. They are. Let's see. It's an LP of radio jingles. More than 100. And they must all run together. There's a letter.

Hang on. Let me read the letter. It's from Lucia. Dear Mr Gannon and Mr Silverman. It's from Lucia. Dear Mr. Gannon and Mr. Silverman, love the show, guys. Had this charity shop find for a while now. I love an old pirate radio jingle,

but the Dutch ones on this platter make it not only worthy of splatter, but I hope inclusion on the show and the subject of natter. Is he trying to rhyme? I think so, but hang on. Maybe just that last sentence. By the way, it's also Lucia. So, it's she.

By the way, I'm working on a cheap show medley, including all the times you two break into song. I'll keep you posted. More singing, please. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, etc. Keep up the good work, Lucia. P.S. Tumpy fucking broke me. Is she in Holland?

I don't know. Well, she mentioned the Dutch things, and she also says yes, yes, yes, which is our Dutch dance producers' characters. Yeah, but I don't think that's... I think she's just saying if we check out... What are they called? Benny. What, the Abba people? No, not Abba.

One of them's called Benny. Just because I've seen the word Benelux on this record. So we have to now come up with character names. Yeah, I think my one should be called Benny and you should be called York. I don't want to call it York. I want to be called

I'm gone. I've got one. What? I think it should be called John Afrocious. No, no, no. I'm thinking... I've got one What? I think it should be called John of Frocious No, no, no, no, no I'm thinking I've got one No, I want I've got one Oh, I

Rimbledlard Rimbledlard I actually quite like that Rimbledlard and Benny No, that's his surname Rimbledlard Rimbledlard Rimbledlard

Let's name Rimbledlard Are we going to listen to some of this then? Hang on We're going to have to do before we start recording Yeah, so I thought I'd just get it out now. Discoteque Special. Monopole. Monopole.

Is there anything on the inside? Is there any more information? What's the label? I'm just getting it out of the sleeve now. Monopole is the label. Oh, have you heard of them before? Never. And it seems to have a picture of a nuclearole is the label. Oh, have you heard of them before? Never. And it seems to have a picture of a nuclear explosion on the label.

It does? It looks like a mushroom cloud, right? Yeah. And monopole is a weird scientific object. I was going to ask if you knew what monopole was. Well, like, everything's got two poles. Yeah. Don't they?

The north and the south. Yeah. We'll just want that one example. Yeah, but also particles. Okay, they have poles. But a monopole is a kind of theoretical particle that they've posited. Which, it's just, it's very deep physics, Paul. Oh, it's very deep physics, Paul.

I don't know why this label's called monopole because they think it's something i don't know they thought it sounded cool i can't see where it came from it's in english it's fascinating though i've never seen anything like that before why is it a discotheque special why would you play a radio jingle at a discotheque drop my headphones should we have a listen then do you want to put it on next door yeah let's do that then all right here we go i'm coming up the last pickle it's going to get into the living room are we all? Alright, good.

It is a crack record, isn't it? It's more than that, mate. Apparently, yeah. It's the crack record. I'll show you. More than 100 jingles from radio. Yeah, they're all Pike Radio Station jingles. London, Caroline,

Veronica, Luxembourg, Me Amigo. Yeah. I've never heard of these. England, Radio England. Radio England, I'm imagining, yeah. Northsea, Marina, NBC, Atlantis and Benelux. Benelux, yeah.

Which I'm assuming is Luxembourg. I believe so. So we're just going to listen. They suggested the... There's no listings. Oh, that's a good point. There's no listings. How long do you think this track runs for?

It's like over an hour of stuff. An hour of jingles. Are you ready for it? Here we go. Stay with us, the best in town. That's short. Today's music from your Today DJ. That's great. I love all these.

What's all this? What's next? Had enough? I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone.

I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I'm going to go and get my phone. I love all these. What's all this? What's next? Had enough? Drop it in the middle, see if we can find any Dutch. I really want to see the Dutch. And then also, I've got the impression that she's... Atlantistijd is nu 13 uur.

Muziek voor Eva. Een lustig programma samengesteld en gepresenteerd door Mr. Galaxy. Yes, yes, yesced and presented by Mr Galaxy. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Mr Galaxy! Love it! Mate, this is fantastic stuff. Have you played any Dutch stuff? This is a different side.

Can you use them for your... Oh, we're going to use them for Cheap Show. Eli, flip it back again and just play some of that Dutch stuff. Oh, hang on. Good morning to you. Good morning to you. Good morning, everybody. Good morning to you. Good morning, everybody. Good morning to you. You never know what you're going to get next. It's a magic show.

You're on your mark. Let's go. I'm with the show. Keep listening. It's sound very light entertainment Well this is obviously going to be your light entertainment channel Your light listening isn't it They sound quite American Well that's what the whole sound was though wasn't it

A comedy sort of thing or something But that was the whole sound though wasn't it Of like British light entertainment They wanted to make it Oh boy. Hang on. Listen to some of this Dutch stuff. This is Mr. Galaxy with music for Eve. Oh boy.

Hang on. Again, this whole last few minutes is fantastic stuff. My name is Sonja and I'm so in love with the guys from Radio Atlantis. He loves it. I love it. This is Radio Atlantis. This is Radio Atlantis. Come on, Plinky Blonky. Radio Atlantis.

Radio Atlantis. Radio Atlantis. Atlantis here, Atlantis there, Atlantis, my good friend. What was he thinking that about? What was even that about? That was alright. Fat lads. What's a plonkis? Atlantis. Oh, Atlantis. It was pirate probably, North Sea and pirate.

Dutch, wasn't it, and all those. And French, yeah, because they'd be able to pick it up. This is a wicked one. The Galaxy Show on Radio Atlantis. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This one goes on forever. The Galaxy Show. The Galaxy Show on Radio Atlantis.

Atlantis. Wat is dit? U luistert naar het toppunt van hitgevoeligheid, de stem die uw radio doet spreken. Atlantis Internationaal voor ons allemaal. Dat is wat ik verwacht te horen als ik het op Dutch Radio luister. Belgisch gehouden, afstandsleden. ook zijn eigen mobiele discotheek. Een grandioos spektakel gebeuren met het optreden van een bekende DJ. Voor informatie en boekingen kunt u zich wenden tot alle officiële boekingskantoren in Nederland en België. Voor boekingen en informatie van de Atlantis Mobiele Discotheek wendt u zich tot de officiële boekingskantoren in België en Nederland. This album's the best thing that's happened to Cheap Show in ages.

It really is. Radio Atlantis. Hit music, hit music, hit music, hit music, hit music I like this when it goes Radio Atlantis Radio Atlantis That's mental. These little bumpers you play between tracks and everything, you know. What's this? All right, do you want to... Go on, what? Have you got some information?

There's a whole history, basically, of Radio Atlantis. Oh, here we are. But here's a little nugget. It was originally intended that programmes would begin on a date using Mi Amigo's 10 kilowatt transmitter. In readiness for this Atlantis adopted a postal address in Oostberg which remained the station's address for its lifetime. This plan went awry when it was discovered that Mi Amigo's transmitter crystal had gone missing. The crystal, which was about the size of a matchbox,

had been used as a replacement pawn for the ship's chessboard and had apparently been thrown overboard when the chess set was replaced. Oh, so what? That means they couldn't broadcast. That's what they used to call old fashioned radios crystal sets didn't they I don't know yeah

it's part of how you make a radio because of crystals crystal power right shall we go

back in my room yeah isn't that great though I'll tell you what so basically Radio Anac it's a Belgian owned offshore pirate radio show yeah

operated in 73 and 74 and was owned by a businessman called Adrian Van Lanshoot that's not a real name who ran a chain of companies all named Carnaby obviously named after Carnaby Street, including boutiques, trading, jeans and jackets,

factory producing clothing, a recording and production studio, a record label, et cetera, et cetera. He's a bit brand-offy, a bit brand-off. He's very brand-off. We need a Dutch brand-off. Yes, that is me, Dutch brand-off. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'll make the deal happen. Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you, Rogan. We want to listen to another weird one. Do we? Have we got another weird one? The self-help one. Ah, we'll save that for another episode. I want to dig into that. I'll do that. I just thought that would be more interesting. Oh, Christ. What?

Your room's fucking horrible. It's improving, though. Look. Got. What? Your room's fucking horrible. It's improving, though. Look. I've got the brutalist London map on the wall. Thank you. You know what? You can add more things to a room. I put the magic stickers from last week's episode up there.

Have you seen my airbrushed unicorns? Yes, and I wish you put them away. Yeah. Yes, and I wish you put them away. Anyway, yeah, you can add stuff to a room, Eli, but that doesn't make it a cleaner room. It just makes it dirtier. You just add more things to clean or wash.

Where's the cover for that Jingles record? Didn't you leave it outside? Yeah, you left it outside, you wank. We're not going to get this done, are we? We're not going to get this done now, are we? Great. What time is it? I don't know. Nearly nine o'clock. Mental start at two. Mental start at two, ladies and gentlemen. No, no, you keep chatting to your flatmate, Eli. You keep chatting to your flatmate. All the time in the world, mate.

You got it yeah I'll take that back and I'll do recordings of it and then I'll can I just say who's the person who sent this to us

Lucia really raised a smile at the cheap show headquarters this record did Lucia didn't it Paul it's tickled all of our fancies

the Dutch ones are fucking great it's what she said in the letter. The Dutch ones on this platter make her not only worthy of platter, but hopefully inclusion on the show and the subject of natter. Absolute natter. He basically goes, Hello, I'm Mr. Amazing on the galaxy.

I am Mr. Galaxy. No, is he? He's Mr. Galaxy. That's my new character, Mr. Galaxy, and he's the Dutch... Right, Paul, when are we going to start doing this episode? I haven't set up, have I? You know what? I'll tell you what. I'll just put this stuff out then.

I was just carrying this around to wind you up today, but we may as well just put this out as an episode. We're not even going to do a proper episode. No. I haven't used my notes, my extensive notes. You haven't even used the plums. Oh, let's do that now.

Go on, get your plums out. We'll give them plums and if we like them, we'll use them. Also, let's do one of these. No, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do whatever that is.

It's a textured soya meat stick. Wet, wet. No, I don't think it translates as meat soya wet, wet stick. It does. She's going to eat my meat stick on a wet one. We could have some of those. We try.

No, we don't because we didn't have them on 150. So we're going to release one. No, we're not going to release 150. Just get your plums out so we can finish this segment. These are authentic plum. Enjoy the delicious food, it says are authentic plum enjoy the delicious food it says paul enjoy the delicious food they look horrible they look shriveled and nasty city and these are shriveled salty plums i believe uh ingredients plums that's the first i'd worry if it wasn't the first. Do you know what the second is?

Salt. Yeah. These are very salty, dry. Are they still the ingredients? Yes. Is it all preservatives? Sugar. Licorice.

Licorice? Additives. Potassium sorbet. Why is there licorice? You'll just have to find out with your mouth. What about those mouth burst crisps? Yeah, we'll get your mouth bursts out then. What are the headphones?

Could you take the huff on this? Oh, I'm going to do that. Let me unplug these headphones because I think they're making a noise. I'll just have to guesstimate it. Take the huff on these plugs. I'm taking a huff. Oh, no.

They smell like my nan's kitchen. What's your nan doing in her kitchen? Preserving fruit. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Comes out in a little plastic tray and... Look at my plums. What?

What do you want me to do? Look at my plums. All right, I'll eat your plums. Lick the salty plum I'm going to do one as well I'm going to do one as well they're very dry very firm

firm and dry firm dry plums they've got a pit in them it's all pit pit oh I'm just gonna swallow it that's what she No, I just took a little bite. The bit of flesh. Oh! That is not pleasant. It's the licorice. And the salt.

The salt in licorice just comes through, doesn't it? Well, good. Let's not do them on the show then. Because they're bad. I thought this episode had just been us walking around London. Listen, I had extensive notes. I'd rehearsed little bits listen I had extensive notes I'd rehearsed little bits I had extensive notes I had some poetry

your notes are just pieces of paper with the words poop out of bum hole and lickety lick flaps on it and whatever else lickety lick flaps yeah whatever

lickety lick flaps or whatever you find funny this week which is vaguely vulgar and rude spammy hand flaps mate I have to go and wash my mouth out

you go wash that and when we get back we'll talk about what, I have to go and wash my mouth out. You go wash that and when we get back we'll talk about what we're going to do about this fucking week. Alright. Wash your mouth out. You know I don't like licorice. Oh, I don't remember that. You don't remember that I don't like licorice? Yes, that's what I just said.

Don't be ridiculous. Are you mocking me? Yeah. You drink like a fucking beast. No, I don't. Stop. Have I got clumpy hands? Have I got clumpy hands? Your hands are like Lionel Richie's clay head.

Good one. But you've got... Oh, you know what we could try? What? Figgy mustard. No, we're not doing figgy mustard. Come on. No, figgy mustard. No, we're not doing figgy mustard. Come on. No, figgy mustard.

No, we're not doing it for one good reason. Come on. What are we going to have with it, for a start? We can't just have figgy mustard. We can just have figgy mustard by itself. A big old glob of figgy mustard. So what are we doing? We're going to put this out then.

I don't know, mate. You're the one who refused to set up and stalk me all day. We can't do an episode, because we were meant to meet at two, weren't we? And then I got an audition. Audition. So I had to wait around for that. So I brought the podcast to you. And here we are.

We haven't set up. It's gone nine. I'm not recording. Just do 150. Just put 150 out. I can sort it out. No, I'm not putting 150 out Because I don't want it affecting my Career I don't want it affecting my personality

I don't want how people think of me How would it affect your personality? Your personality's already gone there Mate I would rather people not know What happens Alright? It would bring shame

To me and my family And my girlfriend Too right I can't believe You brought it to the show. Two words, mouth burst. Oh, go on, mouth burst. Let's have it mouth burst.

Let's have some mouth burst. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Paul? Yeah? In my hand, I have a packet of mouth burst. These are new crisps. I've seen what near around me. And what kind of crisp are they trying to jump on the bandwagon of?

It means like sensations or something. And also strong. Those new strong ones by Lay. They're trying to be like them, aren't they? The packet is very reminiscent of both those brands. Although Mouthburst is a fucking awful name for a packet of crisps. And look at the cover of this packet. Those seem to be hexagonal, which makes me think these aren't proper crisps,

but they're sort of reformed disco-style potato paste wafers. Oh, Pringle-y things. Don't you think? I'm going to let you have the supreme huff. The supreme huff? I'm giving it a shake for the supreme huff, and then I'm just going to literally gently squeeze the huff air into your face after I've... All right.

I'm going to administer. All right. I'm going to administer the supreme huff on your nose. Ready? Here we go. Come on. we go come on Oh supreme hoof will not happen the other way you know what he's preparing the bag oh smell that smell the hoof I'm pumping half on ya oh very spicy yeah I. Imagine having that pumped into your face. It's very papriky.

It would be a lovely papriky, warm papriky pulsing wave. Papriky. Papriky. All right. Papriky. It's a peppy, peppy, peri, peri, peri flavour. Papri, papriky. Papri, papri, papri, papri, papri, papri.

How much were these? We were right. How much were they? They're discos. They're... How much were they? These, right. How much were they? They're discos. How much were they? These, Paul, are lumpy discos. It was a quid for a massive packet. Well, if they're horrible.

Oh, your face doesn't bring me much courage. Here we go. Oh. What a farty crisp. No, that's the fartiest crisp I've ever had Is it? Pure eggy It's a really eggy fart crisp

Let's have another Very strange It tastes like Bombay mix though doesn't it It does but it's also got a smell of A flavour of Give me another one. Because I can't remember what the flavours I want to compare it to

until I put it in my mouth. Sulfur. These are meant to be... Sulfur. Yeah, that's the egg. Here's the sulfur. Maybe we should release crisps based on bodily smells. You know, like... Cheap show crisps.

Yeah, what would the flavours be? Eggie woofer would be one and it would be it would taste and smell of a eggy fart sulfury one called uh paul's meat sale innards what what does that mean it means the inside of your big fishy meat sale i'd also do one called uh belly rainbow flavor oh yeah very vomity flavor crisp i'd like one um that was called uncle grumbly's yeah yeah brown sauce oh uncle grumbly milks the finest old man of all the inner i can't believe Uncle Grumbly's here! All their... You know what Uncle Grumbly's find his moment? All their gut chunder,

and I spread it thick on crispy, crispy skin scabs. Oh! And then I put them in a bag, and I flog him in the mull kit. Shut up! He's dead! Uncle Grumbly's crisps. You can't eat them.

No, you can't. He's dead. Uncle Grambly's crisps. You can't eat them. No, you can't. What about... I really like that character. I know I can't and I shouldn't. And some people react badly to him. But I like doing the voice and doing poo gags. So... What do I do?

Paul, let's just tell... This was a bit of a huge disappointment As an episode Shall we just tell people What's coming up in the 150th? No because it's not coming out We're going to have to just Record something else next week I'm not putting it out

And I'm not comfortable Putting it out I'll do something embarrassing for me I'll do something Alright I've got an idea Alright Okay

You said before you wanted to Put it in Put it out And you wanted to edit it Alright I've got an idea. All right. Okay. You said before you wanted to put it out and you wanted to edit it. All right. I've got someone who's doing it now. I've got the footage. How did you get the audio? Whilst you were off, I took the sound card out of the Zoom and I...

If I even thought for a minute you knew what the fuck you were talking about, I'd buy that lie. No, see, I do. That sounded legit, what I just said. Yeah, but i saw the panic in your eyes it's like you're waiting to be caught out it's like that scene in a glorious where he holds out three fingers and you think oh you're waiting for that three finger moment where you give it away i don't know what you're talking about well look look look i'll i'll do this are you right Well, look, look, look.

I'll do this for you, right? It'll go out, but I want statements from me, you, Ash, and Biffo. Saying what? Reflect commentary. I want their voices. I want to know what they were feeling throughout all of this. Fine. I'll give you the guy's number.

He's editing it. I'll give you the tape back. The SIM card, whatever it's called. SD card. I'll tell you what. You put the episode out. It's all yours. I won't get involved.

You put it out, all right? But in return, you've got to go to a haunted house with me next weekend. Well, I'm working on the weekend. Cancel it. You just said you'd do anything. Cancel it. Cancel your well-paid DJ job, where, frankly, you get paid to do nothing anyway but insult the clientele, piss near bins, over drink,

and then put the same old fucking songs on. I do not piss near the bins. Not anymore, because you got caught out. Seven years ago. All I'm saying is, give it up for one night, you put the podcast out any way you like. Tales from the dance floor this shows backwards tell us from the dance floor i was djing the other night paul yeah this young man comes up to me it's near the end of the night he comes up to me can you play the beatles or madness i said, why? I said, I don't want to.

And then he went, hmm. I walked off. Great. The more you tell these stories, the more it comes across that you're the cunt. That's the problem. What? What? Because other people would quite rationally say, I just don't have them with me, so I don't get paid to play those songs tonight, so I don't have any Beatles or Madness with me.

I'm sorry, mate, but have a good night anyway. Whereas you're just like, you can't even fathom that. Your love of the common man is hate. You have hate for the common man. I do not. You do. Because they've rejected you year by year. Right.

Year by year. No, we're not doing Figgy Mustard. We're not doing anything. This has all been a shit show. Let's do a wet stick. No. Let's do a wet soy meat stick. I'm not ending on. No, we're not doing figgy mustard. We're not doing anything. This has all been a shit show. Let's do a wet stick. No. I'm not ending on a wet stick. Why not? Because I want... I'm getting them out. No, I want us to wrap this up.

On the wet stick. Are you ready? We're going to finish with this, yeah? These are... No, we're not going to finish with this. I'll do the fucking ghost hunt then, yeah? All I want to hear, cancel your night, I'll give you the location, we're going to spend the with this. I'll do the fucking ghost hunt then. All I want to hear, cancel your night, I'll give you the location,

we're going to spend the night with a ghost hunting group. I don't drink vodka. No, you can't drink anything. You can't turn up drunk. Will there be some guy trying to scare me in the dark? No, there's no messing about like that. It'll be me, you,

ghost hunting equipment, in the dark, in a haunted house, in London. What kind of ghost is it? Is it an animal ghost? Is it a snake ghost? Is it a little girl don't like little girl ghosts it's an old lady ghost is it a sexy ghost is it grandma sprinkles ghost even though she's not dead yet she's very spiritual so her ghost

has already started shut up talking just shut up talking i don't know the ghost give me the mic granny sprinkles ghost comes round. Comes round here. And she's like, woo. Tingle, tingle. Tingle, tingle. Tingle, tingle. Ectoplasmic fanny sprinkles. Right, OK, good. You got there in the end. You got to your pointless random collection of vulgar words.

But can I just say, more than 100 jingles from radio. What a triumph. What an enjoyable record. It brought us glee. It's pure Aral nostalgia, isn't it? Even for a time that I don't even remember, Paul. But it just brings it back, doesn't it? Well, you can imagine the times of the old days.

Sitting in front of the radio, listening to Radio Caroline, looking forward to all the hits that Radio 1 won't play. Who's this? Whoever I got in my hand. Whoever I got in my hand. Tell them. Tell them. You've got Tarquin the Bear.

He's called Poindexter. Remember. All right, Poindexter the Bear. It doesn't matter, because in 30 seconds, it's going to be rubbing right on his crotch. Poindexter. He's going to talk to me. Poindexter the bear It doesn't matter Because within 30 seconds It's going to be rubbing Right on his crotch Poindexter He's going to talk to me Poindexter do you want

What do you want What do you want Little fella What Oh he's telling Oh He's Paul He's saying

Okay He really wants Hard rivet rubs I think this is Don't look at him. You don't even have to do it. It's a podcast. You can just pretend. I'm not pretending, Paul. I know you're not and I want you to stop.

Oh, I'm walking him around the room with the rivet top him. Right. I've got a knob hook in his rivet hole. Right, well, I'm just going to end the show with this. We're not doing meat sticks. You fucked a teddy bear. We've listened to jingles.

We've walked through London. Mate. Poindexter wants you. He wants you to get involved. He's saying, what are the rub-rubs like from the other side? I think he's proposing.

Put it down. Just fucking put it down. Put it down. We've got to give him rub-rubs on both ends. No, we're not giving Poindexter anything other than a wash

I'll wash him don't worry Is that the end of the fucking whatever this was Well it was meant to be an episode But again once again we had to dance around you Can I have a mark For the plums please No They were horribly

Horrible Bitter salty Hardly any flesh, mostly pip. What about the peri-peri mouthburst? Now, they are like a poppadom, aren't they? Yeah. It is. It's a poppadom. Isn't it?

It's a poppadom. They're rice snacks. We haven't looked at this carefully enough. Or at all. Mouth-burst rice things. Mouth-burst farty snacks is what we need to call them Shall we try the other flavours? Because the flavour we had was Peri Peri

They had some heat to them, didn't they? And they had cheese and cream flavour They had cheese and cream flavour It should be sour cream, but it's cream And what else did they have? That was it Tangy Tomato Tangy Tomato

Right, yeah, well, that's exciting. We'll do the follow-up to that. Right. I'm done. Poindexter. I'm done with this. Poindexter. What does Poindexter want?

He wants to go swimming. Can I continue? Yeah. Right, ladies and gentlemen, as of right now in Cheap Show Law, I am passing the book to Eli. Eli is in charge of episode 150 i'm having no editorial control of it all i'm saying is it is being released under massive amounts of uh what's the word i'm looking for displeasure duress thank you under massive

amounts of duress it's under duress you know also also it's under duress du You know what? Also, also, it's under duress. Duress! I was wrong to give you the mic. Right. So, you're in charge of that. You're going to edit it and put it out. Poindexter's talking again. You're going to put it all out. What do you want from me, Poindexter?

Rub rubs all the time. Shut up! And then, week after that, you're going to join me in a haunted house and we're going to go ghost haunting. For the Halloween special. Yeah. And if we see a real ghost, we will report that back faithfully in all seriousness. I'm ready

to have my sceptic's mind turned into a believer of the supernatural, Paul. Provide you go in with an open heart and a happy mind. An open heart and a happy mind? Yeah, then you'll see spirits. Can I bring Poindexter with me? No, because I don't want you in the corner of a haunted house fucking a teddy bear in the face.

Oh, that's an idea. No, it's not an idea. If I see Poindexter anywhere near a haunted house, I'm going to bin it. He's yours, though. I don't want him because he's covered in your groinal dustings, right? So I'm staying away from it. All right. Right.

So you're in charge. You've got the footage. You do what the fuck you like. Don't worry. We're going to put it all together. And it's very tasteful. I've heard of rough assemblage already. And it's very tasteful, Paul. And it shows it from every side.

And it's, you know, without wanting to give anything away, it's an issue that we need to shed some light on in our society on the whole. Point extra. The whole point extra thing, I know thing I know you know it's almost there don't you dare don't you fucking don't just don't shut up that's it

you know what this is it goodbye ladies and gentlemen that was cheap show we'll see you next week maybe for our last ever episode you can make a hole in point extra no we're not going to do anything

would you like that shut up seriously shut up what is where did you get this it's I don't want to know.

So it is you who fucking done this. What do you think it's funny? It's you who've done this. Next week on Cheap Show 150. Did you know about this? Did you both know that this was going to happen? I can't have this go out. Things will be said.

Lies will be exposed. Sides will be taken. Forget it, I'm not going to digitise it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce myself as the new regular host of Cheap Show. I feel like I fucking talk. Well, I feel like I fucking talk. Cheap Show 150 Things may get ugly.