CheapShow - Ep 15: The Star Wars Cynical Tie In Special

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

In our 15th episode, we belated jump on the Star Wars bandwagon by talking about the cheap B Movie rip offs, taste a selection of barely edible Star Wars candy, talk to Ash Frith about who Shakespeare bequeathed his 2nd best bed too and play one of our weirder editions of the Price of Shite! Along the way we discover Eli auditioned for Stomp with Jar Jar Binks, hear Paul take on the character of a wiggly worm and try to offend their listeners in order to get a response! Visit our lovely website for the pics and vids that accompany this video http://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/#!episodes/b7us3 If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show. It's a new year and it's been shit for me so far. I'm Eli Silverman and here's the co-host of our delightful poddy pod, Paul Gannon. Hi, Paul. Hello, Eli. How you doing, mate? Yeah. It's a new year. It's a new year. Cheap show back in the hizzy, yo.

Yes, we're back. We're back coming at you for another show full of tat, bric-a-brac, knick-knacks, and paddy whacks. It's the Comedy Economy Podcast. Oh, yeah. That's what I forgot to call it. You forgot the whole punchline. No, that's fine. I like you doing it. It's nice. It's the poddy Podcast Oh yeah, that's what I forgot to call it You forgot the whole punchline No, that's fine, I like you doing it, it's nice It's the Podi-Comedy-Dobbity-Bob That's what he would have said

For fuck's sake So, I thought this week what we'd do is Because we need, you know, downloads I'd be cynical and talk about Star Wars for most of it So I can call this one the Star Wars Special Even though, up front, not that much Star Wars content in this episode Okay But I thought we'd start with it Because have you seen Star Wars for most of it, so I can call this one the Star Wars special, even though, up front, not that much Star Wars content in this episode. Okay. But I thought we'd start with it,

because have you seen Star Wars? I certainly have. You, me, and apparently the whole world. Have all seen it, yes. You know, the weird thing is, I read recently online that it's breaking all records all over the place. It broke records in China, in Russia, in Europe,

in America, obviously, box office, this, that, and the other. It smashed Avatar. It smashed Titanic. However, worldwide gross of all time around the world, analysts are saying it will still never beat Avatar. And I don't get how that's possible. Myself and everyone I know has not seen Avatar.

I could say that sentence better. Neither myself or anyone I know has seen it. And you're right. Most people I've spoken to haven't seen it. So how the fuck has that film become the most massive film of all time? Perhaps foreign markets. You know, like perhaps like a lot of people in China went to see it, for example. The only thing I can think of is because it was super 3D, high def, IMAX versions of it. You know, maybe it was twice the ticket price,

which means only one person had to see it once for it to be double the ticket. You know, because ticket sales and grosses don't correlate because by that logic... Because the tickets cost different amounts of money. Because they still reckon, you know, with inflation adjusted, it's Gone With The Wind still the biggest film of all time or something daft like that.

Oh, really? Or Cleopatra. It's one of those two, but I think it's Gone With The Wind. Have you tried to watch Gone with the Wind? Yeah. Boring. Boring and racist. It is. I just don't see why Avatar's still so huge.

Even people are lying and said I went to see it and then were like I'm not going to tell people I went to see that. Well it's not that embarrassing. It's not like you know. Oh I don't know. I've not seen all of it. I've seen enough of it to know that I don't think I could sit through it all. I saw, I've not seen all of it. I've seen enough of it to know that. I don't think I could sit through it all. Really?

I saw most of it in a HMV in London when it was playing on one of the big screens and the DVD came out. And I think I watched the last half hour when it looks like a giant PS4 cutscene. Yeah. Just doesn't hold a lot of interest for what it's like. No. And that's why I'm surprised that Star Wars will never outgross it. I don't get it. Did you like it? Eh. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. It was enjoyable. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I was going to enjoy it. Yeah, because those prequels put me off Star Wars in a massive way. Well, they would put you off being alive. Those prequels would put you off seeing things with your eyes.

Many a child stuck pencils into their eyes after watching Jar Jar Binks say, Mesa gonna die now? I see, honestly, the second film, The Attack of the Clones, is it? Yeah, Attack of the Clones. That was a very boring film. With all the love interest story and the whole rolling about in the fields. I can't remember anything about it. Here's the plot.

Okay. Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi decide to look a bit more into this clone thing that's going on. And then I fall asleep and I wake up at the bit where they're all attacking things in a giant kind of gladiator arena. Yeah. And I know the guy who... Here's the interesting thing as well. Do you know the guy who played Jar Jar Binks? Because he was like the guy who... I the interesting thing as well do you know the guy who played Jar Jar Binks because he was like the guy who

I've met him have you? yes because he did an interview recently saying how that film destroyed his life totally yeah because he was like because he was saying

everyone talks now about Andy Serkis and his work as Gollum and all the motion capture he was actually the first guy to kind of spearhead that acting no one gives two shits though because he was Jar Jar Binks because he's the most hated character of all time

yeah and i think he was a dancer so he didn't he came from a slightly different background than circus yeah i think they wanted the more he was in stomp oh really i met him i was the usher on the oh in the roundhouse in london oh i went for an audition yeah for stomp yeah I went for an audition yeah for Stomp yeah and he was Jar Jar Binks guy

was taking my audition how wow and I had to do this drumming thing yeah can you give us a little taste what did you do

no I messed it up I messed it up real bad it was like four bars or something and like I stopped like halfway through the third or something do you have any idea

like if someone turned around to me now and said Paul we invented time travel you can go anywhere in time at all, I'd be like, I want to see Eli audition for Stomp. It wasn't a glorious moment for me.

But, you know. Did you have to just pretend to hit drums? Yes. And then walk around? It was a sort of a rhythm exercise. Just like, you know, it was a bit of a cattle call. Yeah. It wasn't like, you know, I'd got through the first...

It's like chorus line, that whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. One. Singular sensation. Oh, I'm stomping! I'm stomping! Yeah, basically, my hands were like lumps of ham and my rhythm, what little sense of

natural rhythm I have, went out the window and I messed it up big time. Oh, I'd love to see the director. Should we call an ambulance is he having a stroke they looked at each other and then sort of shook their head and that was it

a lot of auditions like that what are you doing an audition for stomp yeah we're doing we're doing the dollhouse oh stomp stomp

so anyway that guy yeah had he been I got the last laugh didn't I? You did. You're not universally reviled by the internet. No.

Was he Jar Jar before that or after that? After. He must have done Jar Jar the year after or whatever. Got the gig. He didn't know what was in store for him. God. He was like, you know. He did an interview and it was just really sad.

He was saying, I should have been spearheading the whole motion capture thing. And I worked closely with Lucas to create this character and this, that and the other. And now people hate me. He says the worst thing about it was all the licensing he got because his toy was really unpopular. And he'd see people smash it and complain about it. And then there was a lollipop that came out of Jar Jar Binks. And the lollipop was grossly badly designed because it was Jar Jar's head.

And when you squeezed his head, it opened up and the tongue popped out and that was the lollipop you had to suck on. That sounds horrific. So like, you know, 10-year-old kids having to French kiss Jar Jar Binks to get his sweet nectar. It's just a horrible design.

Me so sexy. Oh, me like, oh, tickle your tonsil. That's not how he sounded. What did he sound like? Something like that. He said me so, didn't he? Me so horny. No, that's not it at all.

That's not. Still racist, though. That whole first film is massively racist. Yeah, it's... It's like George Lucas, maybe don't make the Trade Federation obviously Chinese. Yeah. And maybe don't make all the Gungans Jamaican, Lucas.

Yes. I don't know. I can't do a George Lucas impression, unfortunately. That sounded convincing. The thing is, if I do it, it sounds more like Kermit. Yeah, okay. I'm George Lucas on The Muppet Show tonight. Yoda.

Hmm. Yoda. He probably just doesn't care, though, does he? He doesn't give two fucks. I mean, the thing is, he gave the world Star Wars and ILM and THX, and for that,

the cinema industry will always be, you know, thankful. The prequels were misjudged, but they were at least his films, exactly pure his vision, just misguided. And I just... It's...

It's when he said, oh, selling his characters off in the world's when he said oh selling his film characters off and the board of star wars was like selling his children to white slavery maybe go easy on the metaphors george not not quite as bad as that george really because you're still massively rich and that's it yeah yeah exactly i think it was four billion i think he sold it all for really yeah now in his not in his defense but basically he said he sold it all off so he could keep his people at Skywalker Ranch in work. He said if he sold it all off and made it a kind of, you know, a big sale,

then they all stay in work, they all stay at ILM, they all get to keep their jobs. So he did keep it for the right reasons and sell it off for the right reasons. So, but you enjoyed the new Star Wars? I enjoyed it a lot. It was lots of fun. It felt like watching a Star Wars film,

which the prequels didn't. Yes. Yes, it was very similar to New Hope in terms of plot. Very similar. But J.J. Abrams said he did that on kind of purpose

to kind of make it very familiar to the audiences. So by the end of it, they've got a brand new star. Yeah, he said he did it on purpose. Now. Yeah. I'm J.J. Abrams. I sold, I did that on purpose. Now? Yeah. Yeah. I'm J.J. Abrams.

I did that on purpose. Fancy waka waka. Yeah, it was enjoyable. There were certain aspects, such as Carrie Fisher, that were... Yeah, Daisy Ridley. That's her name, isn't it? The Rey character, yeah. Did you get the feeling?

Yeah. That she has trouble, isn't it? The Rey character. Yeah. Did you get the feeling that she has trouble with some of those lines? I really did. I really... I thought she was really good. Yeah, she was really good, but what kind of... I just got this feeling

of certain lines that looked like that was the 50th take or something. Maybe. But the thing is, it's gobbledygook, all that stuff.

So when you're trying to say, I can feel the force within my brothers, you just think, oh, no one's going to make that easy. Also, no, it's not easy. And also because you're acting with lots of green screen puppets all around you. That's the thing, not that much.

There was very little of that done, allegedly, in that film. Certainly compared to the prequels, most of the things you saw were practical sets and practical props. That's what I did. I did enjoy the whole look. It looked real and all the creature

design and I just thought that was really good and I can never remember his name David Boyar he was in the Tackler block

Boyiga he was great in it in fact he was the most interesting character yeah being a stormtrooper who you know and Hans Scheele

I get to kill and what he did because the thing is okay so I was going to say spoilers but i have already done that i've spoiled it that's that's the only spoiler isn't it that's it really and the thing is uh harrison ford said way back at return the jedi he wanted to get his character

killed off then and they didn't do it and so basically he went all right i'll come back this one last fucking time but please fucking kill me off I can't be running around with a blaster anymore at my age. He seems so weary in everything he does, doesn't he, these days? Although I will say this, at least in this film, it looked like he was acting as opposed to sleepwalking and talking at the same time, which is nearly every role he's been in. Ender's Game.

Oh my God. It was like watching it was like watching someone animate a plank of wood not not a great it was all right in indiana jones but indiana jones had its own problems but you know you see he looked like he was having fun in that role again yeah i guess and that was the important thing there was those little moments like that um i enjoyed it so what i thought we'd do is talk about star wars knockoffs today oh cool yeah because um have you heard of the Turkish Star Wars? No.

Okay, so what the Turkish film industry like to do is they like to basically make knockoffs. There's a Turkish Star Wars. There's a Turkish Rocky. Any film that was huge in the West, they would make on a fraction of the budget for about eight shekels. I don't know what they used. Did they remake the film or did they just sort of take some elements and...

Basically steal everything. But, I mean, okay, I'll tell you a little bit more about it, actually. I've got some information here. This film was informally known as the Turkish Star Wars. It was made in 1982.

It's called, in Turkish, The Man Who Saved the World. It's a copyright... This is what this website says. Well, that could be Luke Skywalker, couldn't he? Yeah. The copyright infringing sci-fi picture

actively steals footage, music, and imagery from Lucas' original film. Oh, they literally take footage? First of all, you'd see the guy who's this Turkish superhero. So, you know, it's like flares and a bad jacket and the Turkish haircut

and he's like, blah, blah, blah. I don't know how they talk. I'm ignorant. And then it would say, to space. And then it would literally cut to footage of Thai fighters and X-Wings and the Star Wars music kicking off. And then it would cut back to some hokey set. Is there not some kind of international copyright law that they could fall foul of?

Yeah, there is. And Turkey, don't give a fuck. Okay, so they're just like. What I'll do is I'll play you a clip from this advert online that kind of talks about the trailer in itself. And people can find out more about it here. Here's the trailer. You can listen to it now. At a time when few Western films made it into the country, Turkish filmmakers came up with a daring plan. up with a daring plan. With only three cameras and a truck full of fuzzy costumes, they would attempt to remake the most ambitious science fiction movie ever attempted. Now, 30 years

later, Film Music recovers this film from the vault to release the first English version. This October, film music welcomes you to the dark side of Turkish cinema. And we are staying. The battle of dark forces has started. You are humans. You cannot resist your feelings and conscience. Tears are the only true expression of the mortal human. His love, his hope. Celebrating their release with a special live performance, creating all the sound for the film live on stage at the Hollywood Theatre.

Turkish Star Wars. So, yeah, that's what this film company in America did. They got the prints, cleaned it up and did a live performance of it with all special effects and dubbing and all that kind of stuff. But you saw from the trailer, they only showed the footage that they actually filmed. You know, all the kind of weird costumes

and people in purple suits going... Yeah, it doesn't look very good. No, not at all. But if you want to go online, you can check it out because they also do a Turkish Superman and again, still music, still clips, still special effects shots, all that kind of stuff for it.

Apparently though, it wasn't the only one. There's been loads of blatant Star Wars knock-offs. Jason of Star Command, do you remember that? No. Awful. What else? Star Odyssey, starring Yanti Sommer, Gianni Garco, you know these people, and Chris Avran.

This is an Italian knockoff. Gianni Garco, is that Danny Darko's? Donnie Darko's, mate. Well played. It was an Italian film by Alfonso Brescia, and Star Odyssey was made in 1978. Very indebted. Even has a knock-off lightsaber.

And it says here, probably the cheapest-looking and shoddiest-made knock-off of them all. Oh, right. It was such a huge hit. Almost everyone tried to jump on the Star Wars bandwagon after that, didn't they? We were just talking about Moonraker. Moonraker, because that's what Bond does. It sees what's popular, like the blaxploitation films at the time. Moonraker, because that's what Bond does. It sees what's popular,

like the blaxploitation films at the time, and it goes, right, live and let die. Star Wars, Moonraker. And then the Bourne films. Yeah, completely. Which it totally sort of ripped off as well. It's a shame as well, in many respects, because Bond in itself invented the action hero genre

in many respects, you know? Yes. And then it spent the last, I don't know, 20 years of its, the last 20, 30 years trying to copy what's popular, which is why License to Kill was such a big flop because it was like trying to compete with Lethal Weapon and Die Hard. So that's why it's a harder, nastier, more violent Bond film. It's the first one to be rated 15.

Because it's got a scene where, you know, people get blown up in a compression chamber and he bursts inside and that guy gets fed to the sharks and that other guy gets fed into the blender. It's quite a graphic, gory movie. Violent. Yes. Very violent.

I like it, though. You do? I like it, yeah. Okay, so the most famous one from America, the knockoff, Battle Beyond the Stars. Do you remember that one? Yeah. Was that a Coleman?

Roger Coleman, yeah. Oh, that's cool, that film. New World Pictures, minuscule budget. You know what? Do you want to play the trailer? Do you want to hear the trailer? All right. Here we go.

Ruthless invaders. A defenceless planet. Battle beyond the stars. A lone youth escapes on a last ditch mission that begins at the edge of the universe. Oh no. The story of a boy who finds more than he expected. Make them burn. And all he can handle.

Does your species have kissing? Oh, yes. We have that. It's a hot dog. It comes from Earth. Do you like it? There's no dog in this. Soybean meal.

Niacin. Dextrose. And sodium nitrate flavoring. That's what we call meat back home. Battle Beyond the Stars. Starring Richard Thomas. George Pappard, Robert Vaughn,

John Saxon. A battle beyond time, beyond space. I sent fire! That ends in a desperate gamble. They'll be able to board us. It won't make any difference. Get that hatch open! No! No!

Battle Beyond the Stars. George Pappard there, not giving two fucks. I was going to say, it's a knock-off, but it has some reasonably big names in it, doesn't it? Yeah, well, it's got John Boy from the Waltons and Hannibal from the A-Team saving the galaxy. Some of the special effects of ships were designed by James Cameron in that film as well.

Oh, really? Yeah, so it's not exactly that cheap and nasty. Cheap enough. I mean, that's what Roger Corman does and still does to this day. Jurassic Park, Cretaceous land. You know, that kind of stuff. Yeah. He's going for it.

I saw another sci-fi by Corman, which was basically an alien rip-off. And it had this big alien, just like the alien from alien yeah with a big fat head i think i know which you know it's called galaxy something galaxy aliens yeah so there's that bit where he goes do you have kissing in your planning no no no no we mate we're spitting into the air and then you have to do a somersault and catch it in your snatch. Yeah, no, we don't have that. Oh, sorry. Nah, we don't have kissing. Rim jobs, go on then.

That's how I kiss my mum goodnight with a rim job. Do you have felching on your world? I could learn. I'll try. Okay, all right, all right, Paul, all right. All right, anyway. Don't do your cheek, jowly, wanky noise. That's all I've got. That's my whole thing. They don't call it cheap jowly wanky noise that's all I've got that's my whole thing

they don't call it cheap show for nothing do they so with cheap knockoffs in mind I've as I say cheap show is about

looking for the best all the worst in pound shops charity shops you know 99p stores all those kind of things I went for a bit of a shop

before we got started and I found some Star Warsy knockoff type stuff. First of all, kids like Star Wars. They do. The Star Wars toys were very, very popular in the 70s. I'd be sitting on a fortune if I'd held on to mine. Yeah, but they'd have to be still in their box.

No kid should really do that. Well, you say that. I have a friend who's collecting. He's trying to get the last 12, they call it, which were kind of obscure ones they made after like the initial batch and then they brought out like no these are these are figures that um were made sort of couple of years after jedi okay had already sort of finished and they were just sort of these weird ones it's like like tertiary characters like background characters yeah that type of thing

yeah interesting and he's got he's got he's got the stormtrooper Luke he'd take the helmet off those kind of ones

yeah he'd take the helmet off yeah and no but he's paid like 100 quid for that not in the box really just to figure on its own yeah wow imagine what they cost

in the box yeah more a lot because you know first of all there's that famous Boba Fett toy which came with

the little projector that fired out of the thing and they had to not release it because kids might choke I saw I think

I can't remember what was the toy collector that show you told me about Toy Hunter Toy Hunter and it came up on Comic Book Men as well

the fact that one of those was brought in and I think he was asking a couple of grand for it right crazy shit

do you know also because the demand for Star Wars toys was such a couple of grand for it, right? Crazy shit. Do you know, also, because the demand for Star Wars toys was such a surprise, no one wants to license them at first until Mattel stepped in. And when Mattel stepped in, they had sort of like six months to put some toys out for Christmas,

which they couldn't do because it takes about a year and a half to actually get toys made from conception to release. And so what they did was, famously, for Christmas, they said you could buy a box to keep them in. And so kids

were ordering online. I had that box. Yeah, it was an empty box, wasn't it, with stands on? Well, it was like one of those matchboxes. Perhaps it was a different box. It might have been a different box. Oh yeah, the stand, yes. But basically it was a stand that goes, when we finally have figures, you can put them in this,

and it has a certificate, and when you send that certificate off can put them in this and it is a certificate and when you send that certificate off we'll send you four figures to go in yes I remember this no I just had a carrying case oh yeah no but that is still in good nick

if it's still in good nick that's still quite expensive really yeah I saw that on comic book men as well that turned up I think at one point that kind of faux plastic

don't tell me don't tell me how much I don't know I can't remember off the top of my head it wasn't that much but it was still I had the medical droid.

Oh, yeah. The little kind of Dalek-y thing that had arms that came out. Yeah. Yeah. My brother had all the Star Wars toys, not me. But I've got something that I think, I think we'll all want. Because I went to Poundland. Oh, yeah.

And I bought a Star Wars toy. Actually, that's not true. I bought a Galaxy Wars toy. You see this? I put a picture up on our Twitter page for this. But it's a horrible knockoff of Star Wars. Eli, I'll let you describe it to the peoples. This looks like an anorexic stormtrooper with Vader's cape.

It's some kind of codpiece. It's quite a big codpiece as well. His head's way too big for his body. Yeah, he's got a big black codpiece and it's quite a big codpiece as well his head's way too big for his body yeah and yeah he's got a big black codpiece and his helmet stop saying it like that oh his helmet

I'm not saying it like that oh his helmet I'm not saying it like that he's got a blaster that's literally about as tall as he is yeah this is terrible

it's terrible terrible tat and has he got anything written on the back of it or is it just like you know not suitable for children about as tall as he is. Yeah. This is terrible. It's terrible. Terrible tat. And has it got anything written on the back of it or is it just like, you know... Not suitable for children under 36 months. Look, it's not suitable for children, by and large.

It's a horrible piece of tat. It's not suitable. It's not at all. It looks like... Because there's also a Darth Vader one. Well, you know, a Darth Vader knockoff.

It was the exact same thing but the only thing that was different was that it was completely plated black. Yeah. Whereas that's got white bits and it's weird.

The head looks like they've taken a child's baby doll head and then just pasted a stormtrooper's helmet around it. Yeah. It's nightmare fuel, that toy. He's got eyes that are totally black and an expression like he's going, Like a doll's eyes. He's making that noise with his expression. That's nasty to be fair though if you were in the middle

you know on a spaceship and you saw that coming at you he'd give up galaxy wars galaxy wars because we can't say star wars they should have just gone the whole way and called it galaxy skirmish

or something so you know it wasn't completely a rip off of star wars but I put a picture of that up on twitter and it's massively disturbing. How much was that?

A pound. A pound. A pound. You know, if anyone wants it, I'll happily send it in the post to them with the notes apologising for your existence. It's a movable action figure with space gun. It's just horrible.

And it's the cloak. It's got a bead across the bottom like a choke chain. So he looks more like a Chippendale striptease artist. He does look a bit like that. He's got nice legs. Possible choking hazard. Well, that's the space gun. And on the back as well,

there's another droid they've put on. It's totally unrelated. He looks like Robocop. It does. It looks like stolen artwork probably from some kind of clip art site. But, it looks... It looks like Robocop. It does. It looks like, oh, well, stolen artwork probably from some kind of clip art site. Yeah. But also it looks like Cylon from the remake

of Battlestar Galactica. It looks like that as well. Which in itself was a Star Wars rip-off. Rippity rip-off. It's just, you know what? It's weird.

It says here as well, it's got movable parts. I can't see any parts of this that move. Other than the arms. They're movable parts I can't see any parts of this that move Other than the arms They're movable parts then Maybe the head But his legs don't move at all

There's no articulation of the legs He's coming at you He's just like stop That's quite convincing It looks like he's coming towards me He's a hopping stormtrooper What would they call them? Rain troopers.

Hop. Hop. Wind troopers. Wind troopers. So there you go. Oh, he's thrown it. Right, so what else have we got? Well, first of all, I thought, because Star Wars, you slap that logo on anything and you

sell it hotcakes, right? You do. That's just the nature of the beast it's because you've got all of these people of our sort of generation who are still just obsessed they've got more spending power

than they you know used to yeah more than children you know because of that whole idea of the pink pound the idea of like if you're a gay man

because you don't have kids and dependables what would they call the star wars pound the star pound the geek grot I like it the geek groat the geek groat yeah the geek groat I like it the geek groat

the geek groat yeah the geek groat I like that yeah so they're cashing in on geek groats so as a result obviously Disney

were like who wants this fucking Star Wars brand and everyone because I used to work for Warner Brothers and Warner Brothers

department I worked for had to license out any Warner Brothers characters DC as well Looney Tunes anything that they owned and people had to apply to us to do characters, DC as well, Looney Tunes, anything that they owned. And people had to apply to us to do it.

So we'd get things like, we want to do a soft drink that tastes like piss, but we want to put Bugs Bunny on the front. Yeah, tick, sign it off, because it's illegal. And we also had a department that would go around

all the dodgy boot sales and Camden markets to look for knockoff t-shirts. And the number of times we'd obviously go to the Warner Brothers t-shirts that had like, you know, like Weed Brother, you know, it was all like ganja yeah so we had to you know flag that

stuff if you see the police warner brother that's the one that's the one that's exactly the one yeah warner brother yeah uh so that was the job department i worked in at warner brothers uh so i know how this kind of thing works so obviously i've got a few things here that have been branded and so we got um chirper chips star wars and what's interesting about this is the two characters they got on the front are now no longer important to the franchise it's yoda and it's darth vader yeah right because that's what you need to sell it that's why it's hard to put ray or uh finn the new characters yeah because they're not quite as well known yet and so do you think they'll ever obtain their sort of iconic status?

Yeah, they will. Already, the two main characters from Star Wars are appearing on Volvic Water and all this kind of weird shit. It's bizarre. BB-8, the little circle droid, that toy has been flying off the shelves. See, that's another thing about the film. What?

It's like BB-8 is meant to be like an update of R2-D2, right? Yeah. And then R2-D2 shows up, spoilers, in the film. Yeah, it does nothing, though. It's like, what have I missed? Oh, you want to know where Luke is? Yeah, there? Yeah. And then R2-D2 shows up, spoilers, in the film. Yeah, it does nothing though. It's like, what have I missed? Oh, you want to know where Luke is?

Yeah, there you go. He's over there. See, and the plot, you know, it's a bit like there's a bit of the map and then they don't end up needing it.

No, they don't. But, you know, that doesn't bother me. To be honest, the original Star Wars plot wasn't all that fucking great either. No. It's the usual hero's journey, right?

BB-8, funnily enough, was the original design for R2-D2, but they could never get that design to work, which is why they could do it for this one. See, my theory about the whole thing is, for some strange reason, Empire Strikes Back is one of the greatest

films ever. And it's like so much better than everything else in the whole trilogy. But it just is amazing. Anything, if I think, oh, there's that brilliant bit, and I think, oh, I've got nostalgia for that great scene,

they're all in Empire Strikes Back. Every single one of them. See, I disagree. Because I'm not saying for a start that Empire's the worst film. I'm not saying that. I totally agree that it's the best directed, the best story, the best character.

It's all got the best of it. So, yeah, the best film. But I don't like it the best because I think the first one was more iconic has more iconic scenes in you know the Obi-Wan face off

with Darth Vader the first trench run it's got you know all that stuff and also Return of the Jedi has got the famous Jabba battle

the palace thing it's got the Sarlacc pit it's got the speed racer thing and it's got the Millennium Falcon flying for the Death Star for me those two at either end

are the more fun but the middle ones the more serious more you know we take it seriously because it's proper because it's the second one so it's the darkest one therefore it's the better one right so you're calling me a snob is that what you're saying what i'm saying is they've already started talking about the second you know episode eight yeah it's a bit darker than the first one yeah darker which means it's a bit better it's a bit better isn the first one. A bit darker, which means it's a bit better. It's a bit better, isn't it? The other thing was like, who was that lady, the shiny stormtrooper lady? Plasma.

Phasma. Phasma. Yeah. She didn't do much, did she? Absolutely fucking nothing. It's like, I am the hardest stormtrooper in the world. Oh, I've been caught. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll drop the shield. I'm a toy. I'm literally a toy. Yeah. Nice chrome one. Yeah. And it's funny because they were thinking she's going to be

the new Boba Fett, you know, the breakout character. Turns out the new Boba Fett is that other Stormtrooper with the crazy fucking arm thing. Oh, yeah. He was like,

with the laser guard things for Stormtrooper. I think it was officially a laser baton. Yeah, it's meant to be able to block lightsabers. Ah. Yeah, I think that was the idea.

Does he not die? He doesn't die. I can't remember. I don't. I can't remember. I don't remember it. No. But he's been the breakout

so they had to give it a name and you know what name they gave it? T-R-8-R because it's traitor because that's what he calls Finn when he sees him. Oh. So that's the kind of breakout.

Anyway, we're going off the topic. I got Chirp-a-Chirp Star Wars, right? Chirp-a-Chirp. Chirp-a-Chups Star Wars, right? Chirp-a-Chups. Chirp-a-Chups. Ten lollies, four flavours. Apple flavour, strawberry flavour, cola flavour, strawberry cream flavour. Outside of the packaging,

what the fuck has any of these lollipops got to do with Star Wars? This isn't the question. I mean, there's no answer. There's no answer. Because the answer is none. If you open the pack up, which I'm doing so now, the lollipops are just normal lollipops.

Oh, that is at least... Oh, that's terrible. Isn't it? It's not like you go, if you lick it, there's a little kind of Darth Vader picture inside. You need to have little tattoos or whatever. They could have special flavours.

Stardust flavour. Yeah. Lightsaber flavour. Or when you lick it, you see Yoda's face underneath the thing and there's chewy gum inside. Death Star chewy gum. Trash compactor flavour. Yeah. Lightsaber flavour. Or when you lick it, you see Yoda's face underneath the thing and there's chewy gum inside. Death Star chewy gum. Trash compactor flavour.

Yeah. Jabba's sweat gland flavour. Yoda's nut balls. Yeah. Boba Fett's rusty codpiece. Ugh. He did nothing, Boba Fett. And then that's the other thing about Attack of the Clones.

Let's have a whole army of this extremely boring character that doesn't bloody speak and even when he turns up in Return of the Jedi

he falls off the back of a boat and falls into someone's it's just Star Wars fans are twat they really are

so anyway there's the Star Wars so I also got those so now I got another one we're not going to taste the Chupa Chups do you want to

taste the Chupa Chups I think we should I mean we can but there's nothing special what flavour do you want just taste the Chupa Chup? I think we should. I mean, we can, but there's nothing special. What flavour do you want? Just give me one. You decide.

You can have blue wrap-up. I can't even say you can have the Darth Vader one or the Yoda green, because they don't bother. They've literally just stuck the word Star Wars and two pictures of the characters on the box. They paid good money. Right, so I think that's cola. Does it taste of cola?

It's quite good. Yeah? Very cola-y, yes. All right. I'll keep that. All right so i think that's cola does it taste of cola it's quite good yeah very colary yes all right i'll keep that all right you keep that then all right because uh the next thing i got uh again license bike is this the thing now disney slapped it on so disney just like you know disney's where do they draw the line it's like yeah we want to put um uh we want to put darth vader on our b BDSM twips and chains. Can we do that? Yeah, right, yeah. I bet they would. I bet they fucking would.

There's bound to be some Star Wars sex toys knockoffs. I know there are Marvel ones. Nappies. Yeah. Shit in Darth Vader's mouth. I don't know. Lightsaber tampons. God, no.

Can you imagine that? That's why I said it. I was trying to be funny. I know. I just didn't get it until just now. I'm laughing now. All right. Fucking hell, you just got your fucking laugh, mate.

All right. All right. All right. All right. Shiver up. Yeah. Wom. When you bleed on them.

Oh. Psh. Psh. We need to get some female guests. Yeah, we do. We need to. And, guests yeah we do we need to we need to clean this shit up maybe some other

acts of colour as well you know because we're just white pricks so the other one I got was Star Wars 14 milk chocolate shapes at least this one now

this is my they're shapes they're shaped like Star Wars these are by a company called Kinnerton they're Star Wars related Disney so let me just put. They're shaped like Star Wars. These are by a company called Kinnerton. They're Star Wars related. Disney, so let me just put this in context.

Disney owns Star Wars now. Yes, they sold it. George sold it for Bill. Yeah, but this also means that they have the new films to promote.

So what do they do? They stick on the characters from the original franchise again. So they're still trading on the original franchise. So there's Darth Vader. Of course, but you've got to,

haven't you? But what I will say for this is that at least they've used the milk chocolate and the white chocolate appropriately. To represent the different sides of the force? Almost. So you have little chocolate shapes, and they've got a lovely little tray with stars on.

That's nice. I'll put a picture of this up on Twitter as well. Let me see. There we go. Look and see. Ooh. Fancy. The white chocolate are stormtroopers. Does that make sense? Oh, it's not the different sides of the force, then. Look, see. Ooh. Fancy. The white chocolate are stormtroopers.

Does that make sense? Oh, it's not the different size of the force, then. No, no. And the milk chocolate ones are fader. Yeah. Do you want to try one? You can't eat white chocolate. White chocolate makes me honk my guts off.

Because my mum thought I was going to be the next Milky Bar kid when I was eight and forced me to eat nothing but Milky Bar. I don't think you should give up on this dream. Mate, I can't even look at white chocolate. Well, you don't have to eat it. I'm not going to eat it. To be the Milky Bar Kid. Don't want to be the Milky Bar Kid.

No, you'd, why? Because A, I'm not 10 anymore. And if I start putting a cowboy suit on, hanging around with kids and offering sweets out on the back of a horse, I'm going to get arrested, Eli. Out the back of a horse? Yeah, all right, moving on. You've blown the goose.

Yeah, I've blown the goose. All right. Let's taste this. What do you want? You pick one. All right. Because I'll taste the milk chocolate one, but I'm not going to taste the white chocolate.

I can't. I understand. Now, these have got quite a good mould. They've got a good detail to them, haven't they? You can see there's the lines in Vader's mask, in the faceplate. Yeah, that he breathes through. Yeah, that bit.

Yeah, it's very detailed. Nice. I'm going to try a Stormtrooper and a Darth Vader. I'm going for a Vader. Bog standard. Bog standard chocolate. Bog standard. All right, I'm going to try a Vader too, because at least I can put that one in my mouth.

Yeah, they look like a little kind of Christmas tree. You know, the Christmas advent calendar chocolate to you always. That kind of thing. Not too bad. As chocolate goes. Yeah. Yeah. Chocolate.

Are you going to try a white chocolate one for me? Yes, please. Because I can't and I need you to give me an idea of what they're like. What is the point of white chocolate?

I know. I mean, seriously. It's not even white chocolate. There's no cocoa in white chocolate. So what is it? It's just sort of milky sugar.

Milky sugar piss sweets. The milky sugar piss sweets are on me. Excuse me, sir. Come on. Come on. It's coming out the back of my horse. The milky ball kid is soft and strong. Your life sentence is good enough.

So the last one I've got from the Star Wars is this. The Star Wars surprise egg, or, because it's obviously from France as well, Earth. Earth. It's a little orange egg with Star Wars and a Stormtrooper on. For some reason, the Stormtrooper's eyes on fire and his helmet's cracked. Can you just make that out? For some reason, they've done

a weird paint job to it. Oh, yeah. Perhaps he's being attacked. Yeah. Fruit-fl flavoured jelly beans Is that a surprise? That there's just jelly beans in there No I think there might be Some type of toy

Well I'm going to have a I'm going to try and Oh god how do you get in this? I'm using my teeth Don't use your teeth kids Right a big orange egg It's like a Super kinder isn't it?

Yeah But you know those eggs When you go to the funfair On the shore, on the seaside town, and they have those big chicken eggs and you put a pound in and it goes, And then an egg comes out. And then it goes, and you go, oh, I got an egg. Yeah. Yeah, it's like one of those eggs.

I don't know. So let's see what's inside of it. I'm cracking it open. And there is quite a little bit of stuff. There is, first of all, some jelly beans. We'll get to those in a bit. There is a Star Wars, some stickers, some awful stickers with a Chewbacca on

and another Chewbacca picture. Look at that picture of Chewbacca on the bottom. Doesn't it look like someone's caught him shopping and they've taken a kind of paparazzi picture of him? It so does. It looks like he's... It's like this Che taken a kind of paparazzi picture of him. It so does. It looks like he's... Chewbacca was seen outside of Primark buying some of this. It looks like a

pap snap, doesn't it? I'm minding my own business, mate. It's my own time. I'm buying some Wookiee food. And apparently there are many surprises. You can get a... So this is the surprise? No, not the sticker. The sticker is not the surprise. There are six surprises. You can get a... So this is the surprise, these stickers? No, not the sticker. The sticker is not the surprise.

There are six surprises to choose from. One looks like a little notepad. One looks like a little white chain. One is a Darth Vader coin on a spinning disc that you blow and it goes round. There is a Han Solo badge. I like the spinny roundy thing. And I think I've got a magnet. And the magnet is just a little square

crap magnet you put on a fridge that has the most homosexual pose I've ever seen Darth Vader in. Look at that. It's like,

oh, I've got a lightsaber. Can you feel the force, ducks? Oh, you're going to alienate some other people. Oh, fuck. When people startate some other people. Oh, for fuck's sake. Thank you, Paul. Jesus.

When people start listening, then they'll start complaining. Yes, he looks like a midget Vader. Yeah. Nothing's right about that. Cooch, cooch. I'm Darth Vader. Yeah. Luke, can you give me a leg up?

I can't reach the magazines on your top shelf. Luke, am I dead? You sound like Orville. Could you, could you, could you? Luke? I wish I could levitate. I wish I could force. Right, of course, but I can't.

Yes, you can. Fuck off. Fuck you. Right, I'm going to try the jelly beans, and they are just little jelly beans, nothing special about them. Pink and yellow. I'm going to guess that the flavour of them

is horrible sugar flavour yes now you see that's a marker isn't it yeah I mean the Chupa Chups

that's like a cola so it had some flavour you get quality with Chupa Chups yes but with so many of these cheap sweets

that we eat on the show Paul yeah don't you find they've got different colours but there's no differentiation of flavour? No, absolutely not at all. So I'm going to try a yellow one.

And I'm going to try a pink one. Lemony? Slightly lemony. What have you got, a pink one? It tastes of vanilla. I'm going to try a pink one now. Is it like fruit punch flavour? No, it tastes of vanilla. I'm going to try a pink one now. Is it like fruit punch flavour? No, it tastes of potential. It's like there's potential flavour there.

It's not real flavour. I'm going to go for a lemon. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's a lemon flavour. There's a lemon. They've differentiated. In a lemon way, in a kind of, you know, floor cleaner kind of lemon flavour. It tastes like pine.

Well, there you go. Some of the choice Star Wars crap that Disney have sold off the brand to to make your kids spend their precious pocket money on sugary shit. Fill up the world's oceans with cancer-causing plastic. The thing is, the best thing out of all this stuff is the Churpa Chops, but they're the least connection to the brand outside of the packaging. In terms of a confectionery product. Yeah.

Because they taste nice. Yes. And they have flavour and blah, blah, blah. In terms of a confectionery product. Yeah. Because they taste nice. Yes. And they have flavour and blah, blah, blah. Because they're a good brand. Yes. The other two, just whatever.

Terrible. It's a horrible dodgy sweet factory run by Wally Wanker. And he's just like, just throw some fuckish sugar in a box. Yeah.

Throw some sugar in a box, put Darth Vader's head on it. Shall we do a tour of the factory, Mr. Wally? That's all fuckish shit who gives a fuck You've lost it a bit haven't you Wally I'm an alcoholic Willy Wonka's chocolate whack factory

You can't buy Willy Wonka's sweets can't you Yeah they're in my Nestle My dreams I'm a comedian and I will never eat Nestle I'm going to just use Uber though Uber who basically don't defend Who hire anyone for their you're not safe in their cars

because they don't really regulate the drivers and they've been abusing attacks and rape and you know yeah so you're fine using Uber comedian but you definitely

won't eat a Kit Kat yeah prick I'm sorry that really gets to me where did you draw the line right up my fucking arse anyway

anything else that's it okay we can move on. So it's at this point of the show we like to call in our good friend Mr. Ash Celebrity

the Frith and say hello to Ash the Celebrity Frith. Hello, Ash. I'm a celebrity in my own home

except for my girlfriend sometimes looks confused when I walk into the lounge. Like she doesn't know who I am. Why would that happen? Oh, you know, she took that blow on the head, didn't she? I think it's because you've just been supposing women in the local area are your girlfriends

and you've been waiting for them in their living rooms. Well, I say girlfriend. She's a friend. She's more of a flatnick than a girlfriend. Do you put your winky inside of her? If she lets me. Then she's a girlfriend. Or you put your winky inside of her? If she lets me. Then she's a girlfriend. Or a prostitute.

Well, you say that. Well, you said it. Right, okay. Edit point. So we like to have Ash along every now and then because he has quite the eye for a bargain and he's got a few stories for us, don't you, Ash? What have you got for us this week?

Well, you know, previously I've saved money on weddings and funerals and other exciting things. So I thought people who have obviously amassed a fortune, though, they must have very set things they want to happen to their money. So I went online and I did a bit of digging to look at how people have written up their wills. Because obviously people make fortunes, and they might not just want to give it away to their next of kin. So I've had a quick look, and there's a lot of things you can find on the internet when you're looking at people dealing with their fortunes. So there is a guy in 1928, I don't think I've got his name,

a public-spirited donor his name is. Let's call him David David the millionaire what he did was he left half a million pounds to Britain but under the strict instructions that oh by the way he was an anonymous donor

I've just read that I should have perhaps read ahead David the anonymous millionaire yes please do not say his name he left half a million pounds to the treasury uh under the specific instruction that it can only be used when it was enough to clear the entire national debt which is now you'd think never right it's never that money has now over since 1928 has now become become, it was half a million, it's now 350 million pounds. I hadn't even thought about that. That's a good point.

It will accrue. It's accrued. It has accrued. But what the problem is, is the national debt currently stands at 1.5 trillion. Oh. Oh, I thought lovely Georgie Osborne was going to help with that and get that right down. Wasn't he supposed to get it, got it right down by now?

Weren't you, Georgie? Georgie is a listener of the show. He is. Georgie, if you're listening, you stand like a spastic action figure. Because he does. He never told us about this 350 million, has he?

He got tucked away. What he's thinking of, I can just whittle it down to that last chunk than the last bit sold, you know, paid for.

Yeah. Unless he invested it. Well, yeah. I was thinking that. It's really weird, isn't it? I was thinking, oh,

if they could just get it down to 350 million, that's never going to happen. But the thing is, is that money, all right, so let's just be honest, it's never going to be enough

to settle the national debt, is it? No, no, no. Unless something amazing happens. So, what's going to happen to that money? Where is it? And what happens to it?

Because basically it's untouchable. Well, for nearly, well, you know, 88 years, that money has sat, not touched, just growing and growing and growing. Sooner or later, that amount of money is just going to be like a superpower on, you know, it's going to be the most amount of money that has ever existed. So eventually the national debt might be paid off, but we'd all probably be too dead to care. We'll be speaking Russian by then, that's for sure.

Is that what you think? And not because of immigration, I mean because of war. Oh, that's all right then. Well, there is another possibility. Our language could just sort of over the millennia converge with Russian. Yeah, whichever one's the least offensive. Ingsian or Rushlish. Oh, no, Rushlish.

Rushlish, yes. We all speak Rushlish. Yes, I love Rushlish. So, all right. Okay, so what they could do then is just reinterpret what the national debt is, and they could just say, oh, the national debt is what I owe my Ford car. You know? Well, or they could have a son called National Debt.

There you go. Yes. My son, everyone calls him that. National Debt Gannon. Yeah, and that's not a bad idea. That's a really good idea. They'd have to give you the money. And we'd have to make sure that national debt, my son,

has got actual debt so he can pay it off and have a little bit of money in the back pocket. Why? There's no reason. That's completely arbitrary. Actually, that's a good point because you get all that money and it would easily wipe out all that debt. So at the end of the day, no one's getting anything.

You know what? None of us have thought this through, including the guy who set this up. Yes. And George Osborne. Because how much was the national debt in 1920, whenever it was, it was first put in? Still more than half a million. More than half a million, but not 1.5 trillion.

Imagine that point where it went up to 1.5 trillion, when it passed whatever it was then. And they went, you know, it's now a billion pounds. Yeah, that is quite a lot. Oh, now it's at 10 billion, 100 billion. It's now a billion pounds. Yeah, that is quite a lot. Oh, now it's at 10 billion, 100 billion. It's now a trillion pounds. Wow. I didn't even know. Trillion just, to me, only means one thing.

Money I will never see in my life. And a character from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Oh, and you've gone up in my estimations for knowing that. There you go. Who else got a real bonk on for trillion? Can I say that? Arthur Dent, yeah. Zapod Beeblebrox. They all had a bonk on for Trillium. Can I say that? Arthur Dent, yeah, Zaphod Beeblebrox.

They all had a bonk on for her. Yeah, in the latest book, the fourth, no, whatever, the fifth or sixth book that was written by that other guy who wrote Hitchhiker's Guide, she gets boned by Thor,

the god of thunder. Yeah, she does. Yeah, she was. She was looking out for him in the fourth book, wasn't she? She wanted to go off with him, but Arthur kind of put pay to that, really. Anyway, that's getting too geeky.

That is getting quite geeky. Anyway, so what is your next interesting topic of conversation? The second thing I found was, and this is, I mean, I've not heard this guy painted a particularly positive light in any stories I've ever heard of him other than his actual work. But William Shakespeare. Oh, that. Yeah. You know, the playwright, I believe.

I think that's what he was most famous for, wasn't it? And cracker joke writer. And cracker joke writer. He, when he died, he left to his wife, Anne Hathaway, not the winner of the... Not the skeletal-shaped actress. No, not her. He left her his second best bed.

Wow. Which I think that probably speaks volumes for their relationship. So what did he do with his first best bed? He left everything else to his daughter. Oh, she got the bed. And the wife got the not-good-at-bed. Yeah, his daughter Susanna got everything. Well, you're saying that, but I've only got one bed.

Yeah. It doesn't even belong to me. Yeah, but no one wants that when you're finished with it. Yeah. Well. You don't know, his second best bed might be nice. Maybe he was married to Goldilocks, and it was just like, that bed's not quite right.

Yeah, that's true. His second best bed would be the middle bed, would be just right. Also, the other factor we could put in here is that that might have been the bed, it might be the second best bed, but it might be the action station. So the top bed might be where the memories are.

Oh, the memories are stained. Indelibly marked. That's where we get the expression memory foam mattress from. Oh, is that what memory foam mattress is? Foam mattress made of sperm. It's an altar bed filled with sperm. What's she going to do with a bed? I can hazard a guess.

Sell it? Sleep on it? Sleep on it, probably. probably yeah but come on who who in the when they write a will goes what have i forgotten i've got to give that house to her i've got to give that money to him what else the bed i've got to make sure everyone's got a bed was shakespeare worth a lot of money no i don't know no he wasn't very rich and what's more he wasn't very popular at the time he was popular but you know was he like the kind of money because all of his his plays are written

in that funny, old-fashioned language. No one could understand it. No, he wasn't funny, old-fashioned at the time, was he? I know, Paul. I know. I know that. Oh, I thought he... Wow.

So good on Shakespeare. Didn't he borrow most of his stories from other people? Well, they reckon so. Yeah, they were old stories. It's like, oh, Francis Bacon or something was one of them, they reckon. There's a lot of debate about it.

Yeah. Tromeo and Gruliet. Yeah, that's the one. Gnomeo and Julie. Yeah, that was the original. Yeah, that's the original one. West Side Story, he wrote that as well.

I think he was most famous for William Shakespeare's Shocknado. I would love that to be a sequel. Forsooth doth find shark tooth white devil from the sky hath eaten be actor. Anyway. I like it.

I like it. I'll have it on my desk by tomorrow. What else you got? Well, hold there just for a second before this is going to be a little edit point that you're going to have to put in. Because what I have done is I have not fully charged my mobile. I'm running. I thought you were going to say you've not paid your phone bill. I'm now £1.5 trillion in debt on my phone bill.

Don't even make a joke about that. Is that where you're at? Yeah. £1.5 trillion? Yeah, yeah. You would just be better off selling your body right now. Just becoming a man-whore. Right.

Oh, I think he's been cut off. All right, we'll try and get him back next week. OK, and now it's time for the Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. No, I fucked it. It's the fucking Price of Shite. it's the fucking price of shite, oh it's the fucking price of shite, no I've fucked it. I can't remember how it goes.

It's the fucking price of shite, and that's right. That's the fucking price of shite and that's right. It's been a while since I've done it. I'll do it. You do it. Oh it's the fucking price of shite, oh it's the fucking price of shite, oh it's the fucking price of shite, oh it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right.

Thank you. So it's the Price of Shite And What have you got for us This week Mr Silverman It's all charity shop Obviously

But there's There's one Anomaly item Anomaly Anomaly item Does that mean It's anomalous Or where you got it from

Is the anomaly That's the second The second one Alright good Okay but first Let's start off With a bit of fun. A little bit of fun.

A little bit of fun. A little bit of fun. All right. Funny worm. Funny worm. Look at this. Come on. I've outdone myself.

The thing is, when you first said funny worm, I thought, that's just what he's called it. But no, it's on the box and it says funny worm. It's a funny worm in box.

Yeah. In box. By the way, we'll be taking pictures of all these and we'll put them on the website. Let's get this worm out. way, we'll be taking pictures of all these and we'll put them on the website. Let's get this worm out.

And on Twitter. Now, this is a real... What the fuck? It's a mechanical funny worm. It's... Hang on. It's got a spring in it. It's got like a slinky in the middle of it.

So, just to clarify, it's a plastic... Well, it looks like a caterpillar, if we're being honest. But it's a green plastic worm that's been split in the middle and in between it is a slinky. Yes. What the... What nightmare fucking juice is this what does it do is that it it goes along you've got put batteries in it yeah which luckily we don't have oh there are some are there does it work let's see if it works oh my god this this already already i'm excited about that he switched it on nothing's

happening it's not that funny worm is it no. Nothing's happening. Not that funny worm, is it? No, those batteries obviously dead. I hope they don't leak acid onto me. There you go. Green funny worm. It's got a hat on. It's got a little brown hat on, a little yellow nose, and it's got a book tooth. Honestly, it is more of a caterpillar, isn't it?

It is more of a caterpillar. Already they've mislabeled it. So it should have been funny caterpillar. Yes, but there's other clues that tell me this funny worm was not produced in an English speaking nation.

Oh, please, please tell me what they say. For ages four and up, automatic movements. Obviously. Forward and turn. Good. Specific.

Forward and turn. Both eyes flash. What? Yeah. And then tail slungs back and forth. Slung. Slungs.

They have trouble with the swing, I think is what they want. Wow. Can I have a look at that? Can I just have a look at that? You can. I want to see all the quality. Well, you need to guess the price. I want to have a look at the quality of it.

Right. Funny worm. Well, it doesn't look too cheap in terms of its make. I mean, it's not great, but it's got a little wiring which keeps it from getting too far away from itself. I guess. So I'm guessing the front drags along the back. Yes, and it turns. Eyes light up. Come on, you're in bed, right?

Let me just paint the scene. You're in bed, it's late at night. Let's just pretend this little board here that I've got here is the foot of your bed. And you wake up in the middle of the night because you hear this little sound. You're going, what's that little sound? And you go, I can't get it. And its little head pokes up with his little red eyes flash again he's a funny worm all right he's got a little tooth he's bucktooth actually with a bucktooth

he's got more of a kind of doll i'm gonna i'm gonna creep up inside your asshole and eat out your innards. I'm going to wiggly, wiggly, wiggly up inside of you and then lay egg in your mouth and my little kids and friends will be bursting out of your tongue. Oh, wiggly, wiggly, wiggly. And my tiny slungs back and forth. It's a slung. Okay, so I think, of course, you can see the picture of My Funny Worm online. That's a slung. Okay, so I think, of course, you can see the picture of my funny worm online.

That's a different website. And you can also see the toy. I'm sorry, I completely shat all over your set up there. And we want to know the salient point. I would say the price of this shite. In box. Yeah, it's in box. The box isn't good, Nick.

It looks to be in working order. I mean, I don't... I'm going to say £2. Well, Paul? Are you going to hold it till me at the end? I'll tell you at the end when you've done three items. All right, OK. So that's £2. So £2.

I'm writing this down here now for the funny worm. Right, OK. All right, what's item number two on the price of shite? I've got some pink earmuffs. Ooh! And they've got a nice picture of a tweeny lady. A tween. A tween.

A youth. A young lady with lipstick on. Yeah. Like a kind of Bratz kind of character. That's what it is, isn't it? Yes. And it's kind of a pink fur. Pink fake fur.

And, you know, it's getting cold. Yes. It is very cold at the moment. So these are useful. There's only one small Yes, it is very cold at the moment. So these are useful. There's only one small piece of dried earwax on the inside. Oh, what? Can I have a look? It looks manky as fuck, though.

I'll give you that. There's a little suspicious brown thing in it. Yeah, it's dried earwax. Child earwax. And a pube. There's a little pube in the ear. Okay, it's going to get dark, this. How does a child's earmuff get a little pube right in the ear?

You don't know if it's a pube. It could just be a short piece of hair that's been broken into pieces. That's pube-like. So unless you've got something to confess right now... No, of course I don't. And it curls up inside itself, and it's definitely Bratz. There's a B for Bratz. Oh, so it is a Bratz brand.

Yeah, it is. Well, that might affect the value. Oh, God. I feel like just touching it, I've got spunk all over me. It's horrible. Oh, come on. It's horrible. It's manky.

You don't like it? I'm going to say that was... Ugh. Nice. It looks fetching on you. It does. Yeah. Does it look good?

Keeps your ears warm. I wouldn't want it anywhere near my body, let alone around my head. Okay, so we've established it is shite. Yeah. So how much for the Bratz ear warmers? 75p. 75. 75p for the ear warmers.

That's what I'm going with. Ear warmers. Did I put ear warmers down? I didn't put ear warmers. Anyway, so 75p. All right, what's the last one? The last item. Yes.

This is a sample of some kind of gravel thing you can get for your drive. It's a swatch, basically. It's like a swatch, but a swatch of... Floor gravel for your carp drive or something. For your drive, yes. SureSet, it's called. Can I have a look?

Permeable paving. Permeable. Permeable. It's all little... And it's in a disc shape. By permeable, what does it mean? Water can go through it. So it doesn't flood if it rains.

Yes, the water won't just sit on top, it will go in. And it's got a nice shiny finish, lots of little pebbles, and you can see what it's really like if you look at the back, because it's in a nice piece of clear round... Petri dish kind of thing, isn't it? It's like a little Petri dish full of rocks. So I'll just read what we've got here. Shoreset permeable paving.

That's what that is. And it's called 3mm bronze, general use. Of course. Yeah. As opposed to specific use. Well, they define it, because in brackets after general use it says pedestrian stroke light

vehicular. And it's medium texture. So there you go. Let's have a little look at that i want to get a feel of it it looks like a horrible hobnob it looks like the worst hobnob you've ever seen yeah sure thing you know what's weird though you got this in a charity shop right yes so someone was in the house frozen what can i get the charity no don't you remember what we said oh one of them is this the anomalous one it certainly is oh where'd you get this from? It was a gift for my stepmother. What? Yeah.

Why would... So it was the cheapest item because it was free. Well, that's spoiler alert. So free. There you go. So I've got one point. Yeah, you've got the anomalous.

I couldn't lie. No. Three millimetre bronze. That's how deep it is. Why? Why did she give you this? She said, do you want it? I said, yeah, I'll have it.

But why did she have it? Because she's an architect. All right, now it's beginning to make sense. Because I was going to say, why would you find it in a charity shop? And then why would anyone want to buy it from a charity shop? No one would. It's a strange item. That's why I thought I'd bring it on.

Please note, due to the nature of natural aggregates, some colour variation may occur. A grit cast will be applied to all materials when laid on site. This will increase SRrv i don't know what any of that means no but i presume it means what you see here is not exactly what you're going to get it might differ yeah now what you could do though is get a you could take this and make a little diorama you could put a little palm little fake palm tree here and a little teddy bear look like a little mini desert island You could float it in the bath.

The diorama base. It could be worth something to a train set collector. Yeah, it could be everything someone's ever dreamed of. Or you could actually use it as a drive for tiny little cars. For a tiny person. For tiny little... Matchbox cars.

Darth Vader. I've got a lovely driveway for a Death Star. Vader's not gay. Says you. I've got a lovely driveway for a Death Star. What? Vader's not gay. Says you. And what if he is? He's the Dark Father. That sounds like a James Brown thing.

Like, Darth Vader, he's ripping it up. No. All right, so that was free. So I already got a point for that, right? There you go. So, £2 for the funny worm. How close was I? He's on the nose.

Really? Yes, £2 exactly. Holy God, I've never gotten it on the nose. I said the earworm warmers, earworm warmers, ear warmers. 75p, how much were they? They were actually 50. So you overvalued the item that you thought was the worst. Frankly, frankly judging the state of them,

the fact that they've now been on your head for more than 10 minutes, is just frankly ugh they're useful these are going to come in useful if I get really cold ears yeah if there's like a child gone missing

and you need evidence to track where she was last then yeah they might have some DNA evidence use based for them but no they're gross they fold up nice

they do I'll give you that they've got a nice fold up spring action ergonomic so there you go there's the price of shine very good

excellent so did I win? Yeah, you got two out of three because you spotted the anomaly. Oh. Didn't you? Yes, I'm very proud of myself. I had to lie a bit

about getting it from a charity shop. That's fine. I'll let you off. It was a nice piece of shit. And that's the prize of shine. And that's right. So with that victory safely under my belt,

I can now go forward and say, that's all we've got time for. Oh, that's a shame. Oh, it's such a shame. People are listening to this going, oh, I wish it was on for seven more hours. They're not.

No one thinks that. It's a nice streamlined episode. Yeah, nice, nice, tidy, compact. So thanks to Ash again for his time and effort. Thanks, Ash. Ash. And yeah, if you want to follow us and subscribe, please do.

We're on Stitcher, we're on iTunes, we're on SoundCloud. We're on all kinds of networks. We're on the Prodnos network as well. Please subscribe to us because subscribers mean people listen. And that means we don't feel like this is all a massive waste of our time. If you want to get involved with us, you can go to our website. The web suit. You can go to our website, www.cheapshow.co.uk

you can follow us on the Twitter which is thecheapshowpod you can follow us there as well or you know get in touch

tell us what you want us to see if you see anything send us pictures cheap stuff cheap stuff we want to see what you find out there maybe we can you know

look online look what you've sent and judge it accordingly and mock you for your time and effort maybe we could do that Maybe you could do that. Maybe you could do that. Yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah, so we'll be back in a couple more weeks. I've been Paul Gannon. And I'm Eli Silverman. Thank you very much. And you've been listening to, once again, the A Comedy Comedy podcast,

which is simply called Cheap Show. Yay! Yay! We'll see you next time.