CheapShow - Ep 150: Behind The Scandal Special

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

In celebration of CheapShow's 150th episode, Eli J Silverman proudly presents an Eli J Silverman Production "Behind The Scandal" which reveals the truth behind the events of the recording of their milestone episode. Ash Frith, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo) and Paul Gannon give their thoughts on what transpired on the night of Thurs 10th of October 2019. In amongst the usual CheapShow larks, the cheap chaps get to role play as themselves in a specially designed game designed by (Unofficial Official CheapShow Magazine designer) Ivenne! Who will win a virtual trawl through a London flea market? There is trouble in the air as Ash has his designs on Eli, Biffo wants to oust Ash and Paul just wants to make it through the recording... But Eli has something planned. Dare you find out what? With special guest appearances from Stuart Ashen and Brian Wecht. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-150-behind-the-scandal-special If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid with @ashens @bwecht @mrbiffo @ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

B A C K L S H Backlash! B A C K L S H Backlash! All that's needed to play Backlash is the great big two-part Backlash shuttle track, the two Backlash bats, the Backlash shuttle track jack, Backlash! and the Backlash smash-a-roonie net and tunnel. Backlash! It also helps, of course, to have a friend, preferably one with a bit of puff. B A C K L S of puff that's my sister

hello cheap show listener want to get your hands on some cheap show merch well now you can why not support event by going to www.cheapmag.shop and picking up your physical copy of the Cheap Show unofficial magazine. It's packed full of interviews, competitions, games, articles and features written by some cheapskates themselves. Also, want to get your hands on a t-shirt? Well, theredbubble.com

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while you can pip pip bye bye Bye-bye. Eli Silverman Presents An Eli Silverman Podcast In association with Eli Silverman Productions. Cheap Show 150. Behind the Scandal. Edited, produced and starring Eli Silverman. And here is your host, Eli Silverman. And here is your host, Eli Silverman. Hello, Eli Silverman here. Thanks for listening. A bit of a different episode this week. There were some incidents. It's the 150th episode and throughout the show you'll hear everyone involved.

That's myself, Paul, of course, Mr Biffo and one-time presenter Ash. They'll all be commenting after. I've got interviews with everyone and just to let you know, they'll be annotating the main body of the episode. So don't be surprised if you hear our voices commenting on the action that's going on. You know, it's something different, but it's something that needed to be aired. And just keep an open mind about Paul. Now, you're about to hear the 150th episode unedited.

We're just going to put it out there. We needed to clear the decks of this malignant episode. And hopefully it will be some closure and it will be the dawning of a new, more open and honest epoch in Cheap Show's history. Just for the record, I'm totally against this episode going out. I don't think it's fair. I don't think it's history. Just for the record, I'm totally against this episode going out. I don't think it's fair. I don't think it's right. And I think I've been taken advantage of by everyone I held dear. I've allowed Eli to do this because I thought, honestly, he wouldn't do it.

I thought it wouldn't happen and then the episode wouldn't go out and I could just throw some clip show up. But no, here it is. He's edited it. Well, you say edited. It's unedited, he said. So that just obviously means he's not fucking done anything. I don't know what the sound quality's going to be like. I don't know nothing.

You know, I went into this show with the best of intentions. I really wanted to have a good time. I didn't want to do anything special because, you know, just 150. I didn't expect, you know, a 10-gun parade, or whatever it's called. I just wanted a nice episode with my friends, Ash

and Biffo. But apparently, they all came with beefs. And I just didn't expect the episode to go where it went. And I'm kind of upset and traumatised by everything. And I hope once the evidence has been shown, you'll be on my side. Let's just let history judge. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheap Show.

And a go and a nuzzle. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show 150. Is that a question? Yeah. You should have saved that for the 180th episode. Is that a question? Yeah You should have saved that for the 180th episode Well I'll just do it again He's paused it now

Yeah What when we get to 180th Yeah because they'll never reuse an old idea Do it better Not on this show Do it better Do it better

How do I do it better? I just want more energy at the beginning More spunk Build I like the build Yeah Build up of spunk backlog

how immature Ash that you think that's amusing saying spunk just great to be back I'm talking about spunky you know being spunky do you know

in an Australian sense yeah do you know tantric sex is meant to make you not cum when you cum how will you ever learn to make you not cum when you cum

how will you ever learn to use it then but when he said that about being backed up you came is that what happens do you think Sting's got

terrible backed up balls he's like a gunked up cock he's got he's got two of those sort of bouncers that you used to have you know the what are they called

no the space hoppers space hoppers that's what he's getting well retro testicles yeah that's what I mean oh I see yeah they're like space hoppers between his legs that's what he's getting well retro testicles yeah that's what I mean oh I see yeah they're like

space hoppers I honestly think they've got faces on golden wonder space hoppers white dog poo tantric sex yeah

stink oh you don't see fuck it high tech don't see giant balls high tech trainers do you remember those adverts

for smoking banning smoking where it was like, it showed the tar and the fat. Yes. Right, I imagine the inside of his penis is just full of that.

Sticked penis. So it just oozes out like a long sausage. It slithers out. Like a greasy white sausage. Like, the world's dirtiest playdough. And when it comes out,

it's going. Yeah. And it kind of has a kind of natural bubble to it. It's like, as it comes out. I don't know. It doesn't come out.

But I reckon when he does blow his load... It wouldn't be backed up. When he blows his load, I bet it's like a fucking shotgun. But he doesn't though, does he? That's the whole thing. At some point he has to. Imagine if he's been holding on to it since the 80s.

This is my original point. You don't. Do you think... But that's it. It's about two and then you go... You still go... You don't do that. You do.

Like, you know... It's the rhythm. All it is is the go You don't do that You do Like you know It's the rhythm All it is is the rhythm Paul have you ever been stuck somewhere where you couldn't access a toilet that easily but you needed a shit real bad and you got the urgency and then that thing happens Probably

It goes Imagine that Yes And then I don't shit for days with that You clog it right up Yeah he does It's like

You ever seen a snail when a snail hasn't been fed or watered for a long time it gets a film over the bottom of its shell

yeah yeah yeah that's what my arse goes like oh is that what that thing is with a snail yeah and is that just

to keep it all nice and cosy I don't know my daughter had one and she forgot to look after it and it went in this weird

high location like giant African land snail were they good pets she forgot to feed it well she it went in this weird high location like a giant African landscape were they good pets she forgot to feed it well she couldn't be bothered so you know

and um so that would help you with like long traveling I guess what if you kind of got a film of kind of skin over your anus

a hard mucus yeah but you're still putting stuff in mucus plug a mucus plug thank you for your contribution Eli thank you very much hardened mucus plug um this is for your contribution, Elon. Thank you very much.

Hardened mucus plug. This is all you do now. You say three random words and then Tony makes it into a t-shirt. Yes. Yeah? Isn't that impressive? Hardened mucus plug.

I'm not wearing that on my t-shirt. He used to be in a Sex Pistols. Didn't he mucus plug? Didn't he murder his wife? I think it was the damned. As far as I know. Oh, damned because of like a plug. They'd be like a damned to start. Very clever. Very clever, Paul. That's as I know. It could be in mine. Oh, damned because of like a plug. They'd be like a damned at the start.

Very clever. Very clever, Paul. That's what I meant. Because his anus was plugged. Yeah. Yes. Right, well, welcome to 150. Lucas Plug could be in my imaginary punk band.

Lucas Plug. What was your punk band called again? Piss Crystals. Piss Crystals. Piss Crystals, yeah. Piss Crystals, you're hurting my knob. How's it spelled? Piss Crystals Pierce Crystals Pierce Crystals yeah Pierce Crystals they're hurting my knob how's it spelled Pierce Crystals

yeah hang on sorry who's Pierce Crystals he's Benny Crystals brother oh right Pierce Crystals very park on

into town Pierce Crystals he gets around they're hurting my knob do that bit what do

the Pierce Crystals oh hang on it's a good joke police it's a fur cop officer shall I do my intro again please

never sell only ice creams do you want to do the intro do you want to do the yeah the Morecambe and Wise gag well done do you want to shake my hand like you did a joke that you heard off the telly

40 years ago it's weird touch me it's the 150th it's special clammy and the sex finger that's a great cartoon

you did not commit to that handshake Eli and I want to make that the listener absolutely aware of that you didn't fully

extend it there was a handshake I'm not doing it again why should I it was a soft handshake

what are you trying to say I'm trying to say you didn't want to shake his hand. And I know, the listener might think this is all play between you, but there was a genuine dislike of Paul's hands there. I do genuinely dislike his hands.

He's extended again. It's a clammy. He's waggling his hand. It's a clammy. Eli is gripping both hands. It's 150. Shake my hand. It's a clam.

Shake my hand. Paul has gone 75% of the way. Shake my hand or I will shake your gland. It's a clam. Shake my hand. Paul has gone 75% of the way. Shake my hand or I will shake your gland. That's the new game we're playing. This is a bit weird and creepy. Hand or gland. It's making me feel uncomfortable. Thank you, Biffo.

Yes. What? It makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and icky when you do that. Yeah. Ash, you know, you don't have to deal with him. You've done what? You've hosted it once for half an episode. You've done one of these before or something.

Oh! Oh! Ash, one-time semi-host. I am incredibly busy. I want to be here more. He's busy overpopulating the planet with his demon spawn. Well, yes, I've done that but they haven't stopped me

well they've asked me not to but they haven't stopped my children I've asked Ash on a number of times to be on this podcast and he has repeatedly said no because it clashes with what he calls gigs work money I love being here you know that I love being here

why have you got your own podcast then if you loved us so much you wouldn wouldn't have one, would you? That is true. Yeah. But I like the company of others sometimes. Yeah, I've heard that rumour. But just not you two. He's just chosen lack of commitment, I would say.

Well, this is what I'm saying. It's interesting that we're all here today for the 150th to iron out some beefs. I beg your pardon? I'm not ironing out my beef in front of you. We'll be settling some beef. What do they call dog

meat? What? Because beef is cow. Is there a name for dog meat? You mean like the meat of dog that you would eat?

Chowf. Dog. The meat of dog that you would eat. Chowf. I presume it's just called dog. But it's all cow meat

called beef. Chowf. Chowf. Yeah, that's what it's called. Chowf. Is it? No what it's called. Chowf. Is it? No.

That's quite convincing. Why did you ask a vegan that? Chowf. Because you know where they actually come from? The words for meat in this country are the French. They're sort of bastardisation. So boeuf is French for cow. They reckon there's a sort of, I don't know if it's a myth,

but they reckon that the distinction between the pig and pork and beef and cow was a sort of class thing. Fucking hell. Can we just start this episode? Because so far it's been a sting, spunky, cockshaft. Do you know why beef... I don't want to talk about beef! That's what I want to hear. You know what, that whole expression that you've got beef, what's your beef?

Where do you get your beef? That's relatively recent. Where do you get your beef? Hey, where do you get your beef from? That whole use of beef is relatively recent, isn't it? Yeah. And I think they think it came from that ad campaign for beef.

There was a very, very famous ad campaign. It's Burger King. Where's the beef? No, where's the beef? Where's the beef? Wasn't that, I thought it was Burger King

or was it Wendy's? I think it was the Beef Trading Board or something. Did you see that advert that they showed? The 80s advert for lamb the other day. No. Did the rounds on Twitter. I mean, this is right for a street food.

Oh, I love that, yeah. He's like, it's good lamb. My wife cooks it. We're all having lamb on a Sunday where the family comes together and we enjoy our time together. I'll cut the lamb. My wife cooks the lamb.

And the family will be together as one. He's so good. Someone said he definitely murdered that family afterwards. It's right up your street. You'd love it. Do you remember Arthur Fowler when he had a nervous breakdown? Remember that? On Christmas Day.

Carving the turkey. Is that when he happened it happened and he was like holding the knife yeah and his hair was all sort of greased over to the side

like when Superman goes bad it was like all they did was change his hair remember in Superman 2 where he's sort of evil Superman

they did that with Arthur Fowler they did basically it's not as bad as Spider-Man 3 where he goes bad can we stop this fucking episode please

why did they do that don't stop hitting me don't stop hitting me It's not as bad as Spider-Man 3. Can we stop this fucking episode, please? Why did they do that? Don't stop hitting me. Don't stop hitting me. Don't stop hitting. Paul, is that literally what you've come down to? This is what this has come down to? It's the only way I'm going to get your attention, because you keep shouting the word beef out loud.

It's confusing. 150th episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, do a proper intro. I can drop in the theme and then we can get this going can we please do our

utmost alright I'll do it go into your mic yeah it's episode 150 cheap show I'm Eli Silverman

who else we got on this special episode it's the other cunt, Paul Gannon. Yes, I was very much looking forward to the 150th. You know, any opportunity to, you know, publicise, digitise a brand and, you know, perhaps ingratiate myself a little more with the, you know, the Cheap Show boys.

I was looking forward to being back on the podcast it'd been a long time since i was there but i had realized you know obviously something's been going on between paul and mr biffo spending a lot of time together i sort of needed to come back because i felt like paul maybe had been neglecting cheap show you know sort of seeing other opportunities elsewhere and going for those and and i felt that you know biffo maybe he wanted a bit of the action and you know i kind of see it as as my place there was a weird atmosphere it felt like paul had a lot of uh unresolved issues that were bubbling under the surface eli clearly was excited about what he had planned i just regret that i played a part in that okay so when we started the episode i thought it'd be

pretty standard you know we had the same old segments um it's just 150 of a couple of guests to make it special uh little did i know uh where it would end up. But to be honest, listening back, you can see that the tension and the energy in the room already had been... It was strange from Paul. And it's almost like he knew what was going to happen. Have a listen for yourselves. Paul Rose. Yes. Ash Frith.

Ash Frith joining us. One time host. Cameo host to Ash Frith. I just want to say... Cut one time host cameo host Ash Frith I just want to say cutting room floor cameo host do I get chopped out of this episode as well

yeah you never know I'm here for every episode you just chop me out that's what's happened I have done a whole episode myself of course don't forget I imagine that you've done

all the episodes it was really good actually the episode we did together oh yeah the much better one with Paul here that was my audition episode

it was really in a certain way you know I'm just saying that's why the phone calls stopped because Paul got all the gigs

basically no it's because you're the Pete Best of Cheap Show oh why do you listen to that on your little podcast

it's all about the seedy lives of rock and roll stars Disgraceland Disgraceland your Pete Best as in you don't look good in a

mop top. I find this very difficult. I went to school with a boy called Pete Best so every time I hear the name I refer, my mind refers back to Pete Best. He was ginormously, he was ginormous. He's a ginormous man. But he had this piece of carved wood

that was a planed piece of wood and it was the size of a dinner plate and it was a perfect spiral and it was beautiful and i picked it up looking at it and i said to him what would you do if i broke this and i accidentally genuinely accidentally broke it like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah like the kind of thing an arsehole would do break and he was absolutely distraught I was disinvited from his birthday party and then

just a few days later his dad died of heart attack the word probably belonged to

the dad it could have turned out his soul was in him well Ash

he's here tonight he won't be here tonight at 11 years old the size he was he hasn't got

a chance to still be alive. Well, what a sobering start to the show. Yes, it's 150. I just thought

we'd just, for the episode, we'd just do a nice little friends together, doing an episode, no fancy conceits, no awards, no nothing,

no special effects. No awards? I love the way you specify no awards. I just meant like in the episode. Oh, no big awards for the podcast. I'd like some awards please Paul

we're just the 150th episode can't we do some ad hoc awards alright I'd like the beef award for most preferred most preferred guest

Mr Biffo yeah alright yeah I would I'll go with that runner up I can't even remember who won those awards

did you win an award yes he didn't I won best dish guy he won but I think he probably best one time host rigged the vote yeah think he probably... Best one-time host. ...vigged the vote. Yeah, maybe.

He could vote a hundred times. Best phoning in to hosting. Phoning in the hosting. Phoning in the hosting. That could be your autobiography. If Chief's show got really, really huge. Which it won't.

I love the show. Where's what you beef, man? I'm a priority. Say beef. All right. Right. Anyway, this is the Cheap Show Podcast 150. I asked our lovely Cheap Show audience

to get in touch and send us questions on Twitter. So I thought we'd start with that. Unless Eli's got any stories. He's gone. Do you want to sit down talking to the mic do you even care to

be here got any stories tell us from the shop floor dance floor did you corny women you know derogatory terms

that's for ABBA did you maybe tell a businessman to fuck off it's not a poo did you leave your needles in your I left them there

yeah because you were drunk and then you overspent at the bar, which is why your card didn't work today. My card works. I'm not enjoying this, Paul. It's got very sad. There's a weird atmosphere

in the room all of a sudden. It's fine. Right. Here we go. We're going to go through the questions. They could be for anyone, so let's find out who it was. Who it anyone So let's find out Who it was Here we go Who it was Who what was Who it was

Who it was Am I in the right thing Yeah I am Alright here we go I'm at the start Paul What Where's the beef

The beef will be in your mouth If you keep on talking Oh dear What What This seems a bit much Do you know what the best thing That's come out of the show so far

Is I have a word for dog meat. Chowf. It's good. Chowf. It fits. Do you want a tin of chowf? Yes, please. I've got a noise a dog would make.

Chowf. Chowf. Chowf. Questions. Questions. Questions. Gaming rack. I'm interested to know

how did all you guys meet and get to the point you're at now? It's a very big question. it's a very big question I'll start at the beginning yeah oh here we go as to where I am now yeah

I didn't study hard enough at school no me and I met Paul it's a very sobering day today isn't it what were you going to be if you had

studied hard enough a physiotherapist really yeah because you like touching men's calves, don't you? Did you specialise in a particular part of the body? Anuses.

Hey! But with that job, you've got to start at the bottom, don't you, and work your way up. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Shut up. At least didn't rip a gag off. To the colon. The Demerara gag. Do you remember the first joke you were ever told?

Yes. What was it? It was by my grandad, and he shouldn't have told me this joke. Oh. So the joke goes like this. The man who's been in the Foreign Legion all his adult life, from the age of 16 onwards, he's now in his late 50s and apparently he

gets to go home and his boss goes, oh, you can leave this fort you've been in for decades and the nearest city's that way and here's a camel and go and ride it. Right? So the old man... Oh, he's full of Arab semen? No. That's not even me.

Ship of the desert. I know, but anyway, he's in the middle of the desert, he's now on a camel, and this... Shut up, we're getting there. It's very boring, Paul. Just tell us the punchline.

How did you know what a foreign legion was, anyway? This is the point. I don't even know what that is. There what a foreign legion was anyway well this is the point I don't even know what that is there was a foreign legion there were foreign

legion jokes I heard loads of foreign legion jokes before I knew what it was it was a genre of joke wasn't there

like a couple of TV shows at the time that were popular about foreign legion there was also that carry on

film wasn't there what sort of carry on the foreign legion the idea of the foreign legion terrified me the fact you had to run away from your life

to escape going to prison or something or some terrible thing was going to happen to you you join the foreign legion and you sort of exonerated from any like you know

your slate was wiped clean is that the way it works have they still got it the french foreign legion yeah the french foreign legion it's what carry on follow that camel's about

yeah anyway long story short the punchline what Carrie and follow that camel's about. Yeah. Anyway, long story short, the punchline is will you hold that camel's head? What? You didn't want the joke, so that's the... Well, give us the line

before the punchline. I met Paul filming something of a Richard Sanding's perfect movie. And I already knew Mr. Biffo from watching him

on Teletext. Did you? Yeah. You never told me that before. Yeah. Oh, Christ. Why didn't you kiss? I wouldn't have reciprocated because I was behind the screen.

Oh, sexy time. I kissed the script. Definitely kissed the script. Yeah. And I met Eli through Paul. Yeah. And I met Paul through Stuart. Yeah. And I met Paul through Stuart. Yeah.

Kind of. And then I met Eli in a bin. Oh. What was I doing? Turning tricks. You were foraging. Was I wanking? No.

You were eating chow. You were foraging for mushrooms. Street chow. Street chow. Street chow. I can advertise that. Street chow. Yeah.

Go on, advertise. Because you'll advertise everything, apparently. So why don't you advertise street chow? I can advertise that yeah so come on advertise because you'll advertise anything apparently so why don't you advertise Street Chow come on yeah but Street Chow sounds like something

you pick up from the street rather than yeah but this is pre-packed yeah this is pre-packed Street Chow yeah this has been selected by the

the good men and women at at streetchow dot com streetchalf.com. Streetchalf.com. Am I doing this ad or are you? I'm just doing the jingle.

I don't want to hear the jingle. Waggies make the best chalf. Ladies and gentlemen, Eli doing his street chalf advert. Oh, oh. Chalf, chalf, chalf. Oh, oh, oh, God, I'm hungry. Oh, I'm tired. Oh, it's dark.

It's cold. What's all your adverts?. Oh, it's dark. It's cold. What are your adverts? Having a dirty old man in? It's cold. It's cold. I could do with some dog. I wish I could. Then you do the jingle.

All right. Street chow. Lucky I got a pack of street chow. And you know what's also good about this street chow street chow street chow do you know what's also good about this street chow

is this you now or the camera no this is in the ad alright I'm looking at the into camera now alright thank god thank god I had a packet of street chow

and you know what else is a packet of street chow. And you know what else is good about this street chow? Go on. Not go on. It's not an interactive ad, Paul. I'm talking to the telly. It's that good. It's basically

packaged in one of those old-fashioned hand warmers. Street chow. Now we're getting glad. Is that what you're saying? Well, it keeps it tepid tepid Street Chalf well thank you for coming in

for the audition Mr Silverman I don't think you're quite right for the role I can do it again I can do it go on can you give it a bit do it one more time just to make me a bit saltier

a bit more frustrated you've not eaten for a while you want the Street Chalf you need the Street Chalf and here's our product giving you it for a nice low cost

and affordable way ok Doberman Street Chalf yeah that's our product giving you it to a for a for a nice low cost and affordable uh way okay doberman street chalf yeah that's one of our spin-off brands here we go oh so hungry oh so lazy lazy on the street what's this it's cold i'm sexy enough it's cold i'm so hungry on the street why What's this? It's cold. I'm sexying up. It's cold. I'm so hungry. On the street. Why is it so cold?

It's cold. I need some nourishment. You look like you're riding a horse. I need to warm my body. The shaking is weird. What's that? Some street chow. Street chow.

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Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow Street Chow off what else you got well then we all met each other I met BFO at the computer history museum

we were doing a show together yeah the first time we properly chatted you said you didn't like it cheap show 100 what's that place like

we bonded over talc oh we did the talc boys I remember that talc I remember you guys bonding over talc yeah there's always another

talc boy that's where I fell in love for the first time talc boys yeah but remember you did slag off fan footage when you saw it. I called him a fucking...

It was something like that. It was like shit merchant. Merchant, yeah. Something like that. That's right. His sense of humour doesn't really sort of bond with the wider

Cheap Show community. And you know, he does stand-up, which is a pretty plain career when you think about it. Wife, guys, new kids. I bet you talk about his new kid in your set, don't you? As broad as possible.

All stand-ups, at some point when they have a kid, think that's the only material they can write ever more. Do you do material about your new kid? Oh, ladies and gentlemen, you won't believe my child. She sleeps from six till six. It's a godsend. Do you ever notice how babies have four arms and four legs? Nappies.

Nappies. What are they about? What are they about? What are they about? It's full of shit, aren't they? Has anyone got a pen? Yeah, well,

you know, you've clearly got your favourites on the podcast and that's that might be for a reason though. Yeah, it's just, you know,

it's just there's a reason that you don't come on the show very often and it's apparent by your appearance right now. Next question. We're going to move on. We've got so many questions.

How does Eli cope being small in his day-to-day life? This is from Daniel. How much did he make for the checker trade advert? Fuck off on the second question.

What was the second question? They didn't pay him. The checker trade advert. They paid him in magic beans. Did you get any tools? What do you mean get any tools? Get to your work with a prop. What tool?

You were brushing. You had a fire. Yes, I had to have a fire expert guy. A fire expert guy? Who lit it. Who lit the broom. And then he put it out again.

That's boring then. Also, there was a health guy, a paramedic, who after every take came up to me and said you haven't burnt yourself he's like

you're standing right there I'm not burnt and then he goes and then he also says you're alright now but if at any point during the whole night alright now

Eli you are alright now you haven't caught on fire street child there's our running joke for the episode What was the first part of the fucking question?

They said how much are you paid? Yeah how much are you paid and what's it like being small day to day? Well I get taller people to help me get things down Right next question

Oh this is also from Daniel it's an add on Why fat Sal? What does that mean? What do you mean why? What's the other character? What's Daniel mean by that? I think he's saying what's the point of fat Sal? What does that mean? What do you mean, why? What's the other character? What's Daniel mean by that? I think he's saying, what's the point of Fat Sal?

Well, this Daniel can fuck off. Well, can fuck off. Because this is the thing. You keep saying that people are crying out for more Fat Sal on Digitizer. No, they're not. I've not seen any evidence of that. I got plans for Fat Sal. And it might, you know, might take the character in a slightly different direction

you could they're acting Eli I would no I've not said that but you know maybe kind of said it in too many words

sort of throat operation and is Paul going to be Fats Al and the voice changes I can do different voices you can do

you're a very talented actor because they're insisting on it you don't have to I get people coming outside here no they don't

yes they do and they throw pebbles up I bet they do tinkle tinkle tinkle tinkle and I'm like what where's fat Sal

show his fat Sal please those fat Sals existed for like you know 25 years now so long before

well I think you know we can put it to the people it's the people versus parliament on this one isn't it I would say some other people

have got their own things they do together and you're not involved in those things it might be that you just don't digitise what he's saying that's what I'm saying

I've never said it as boldly or as blandly as that you know it's just a new kind of direction for the character

maybe you know it's possible I could take my version of Fat Sal give it a bit of a bit of a name change you could be on

Chubby Pig Chubby Pig thank you Paul Portly Portly Chalf come on my podcast did you see that tweet Portly Chalf

Portly Chalf yeah that's got a ring to it Portly Chalf down in Devon podcast. Did you see that tweet? Portly Chalf. Yeah. That's got a ring to it. Portly Chalf down in Devon, I think it is. What? I saw a tweet today. Eli and Ash show.

Sugar Bay. There's going to be no fucking Eli and Ash show. Here's the reason why. For me, from my point of view, right? Yeah. Working with him is a fucking nightmare.

I love working with him. That's why I'm here all the time. You're going to be doing all the work and he'll take all the credit. And I'll do all the saying funny stuff doing all the work and he'll take all the credit and I'll do I'll do all the the saying funny stuff you know what

go and fuck off then and do that and then you don't get to be in digitiser be fat Sal what's more important fat Sal or how much fat Sal

work are you getting at the moment how much fat Sal am I getting exactly well I've been doing bespoke one on one fat Sal things does he know about this I'm sorry are you doing him on the side

I don't I just say this? I'm sorry. Are you doing him on the side? I don't. I just say I'm all intellectual copyright of Digitizer and its associated characters belong legally to me. Oh well, if it's

called something completely different Chubby Chalf. No, it's the same Abuse 4. It's the same Portly Chalf. Puppet character.

The likeness. Mate, you can't be doing Fat Salf on the road when you haven't got permission to doal on the road. Chubby chow. When you haven't got permission to do it. There's a demand for it. Well, no, what is going to get the fucking character off you? They're tearing me to pieces.

Yeah. Demand or not, it's got to be a different animal, at least. Yeah. If it's the same sort of basic dimensions of a character, then you're fucked, mate. Sorry. So it can't be a hog, and it can't be a piglet. No boar, no hog, no piglet, no... Not even a dog that looks like a pig. It can't be a piglet. No boar. No hog. No piglet.

No, no... Not even a dog that looks like a pig. Like a pig-nosed dog. What do they call a female camel? A female camel? What do they call a female camel? A camel? Camelette? I don't know.

That's sexist. You're going to do it with an angry camel. Camels are too much like pigs. They're not. They are. They are if you shave them. They're identical. Shaved camel.

I've been to that club. Right. Next bloody question. What has been your greatest charity shop or eBay find? Also, that was really interesting or expensive that you got for cheap. Eli. I found... Jokes online and pass them off on the podcast as your own.

That's not a charity shop, is it, Paul? No, I'm just throwing it in there. So you just shoehorned it in? Just shoehorned a bit of an issue I've got with you besmirching the good name of this pod. By what? At least I don't... At least I cite my sources.

Yeah, but that's just your hot sauce report, isn't it? Doop-da-doop-doop-doop. Hot sauce. Can't you see my hot chili nitro? Things have really changed since I was last here. Really? Not much. Paul, I found a BBC schools record.

Oh, yeah, that's right. And it had a radiophonic side, where it had all the little short radiophonic side where it had all little short radiophonic orchestra tracks and it had little sort of liner notes saying what kind of sort of improvisatory dance you could tell your

school children to do to each one. Is it like music and movements like you used to do in school? That's it, music and movement. That's what the series is called, the records.

Victoria Wood did a song called Music and Movement, about that very same thing. Oh, was it about those records? Yeah. Well, there's normal stuff, like there's some sort of classical music sort of broken down into the various instruments

on the first side. Get on to the second side. Eli, why don't you perform for us right now? Yes, do it. Perform what? Music and movement. I'll do some music and you do movement. But no one can see it.

I'll film it. Here we go, I'll film it. I'm just doing it with my hands. Get up. No, get up, you twat. We're going to have Eli now do music and movement. So I'm going to do some sounds and you're going to express yourself that way. Ready?

Here we go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, He's grabbing his balls If you want to know what's going on Alright, change of mood That's not Dancing to Street Child I'm not your monkey

Street Child I forgot to record it If you want me to do A Street Child I forgot to record it Do it again No Don't give me the finger

If you want me to do something Get me to do Fat Sal No We're not doing that. You know, if that happens again, then we'll do it together. I feel like it's going to happen again. But it's not happening on Cheap Show. You can't keep doing Fat Sal.

Fat Sal lives inside me and wants his nipples. See, you don't even know what the sex of the character is. A misgendered fat cow. Yeah. Fat Sal. Doesn't even know what animal. My God. And you think you're the custodian

of that character yeah you know fuck all no wonder he's thinking of giving it away well honestly can you get this tobacco packet

out of my field of vision oh you don't like looking at neck vagina right this is one for Ash it says

no joke you alright not really what's wrong there you know how did he get the gig well this gig and then you said

no I'm not I'll keep you updated I don't know there's obviously a private conversation going on there no I just think you know

life hey oh okay Eli has a question from Zach for you Eli mentioned he earned the nickname Leaky Can

after he pissed himself as a live nude model then later he creates the character of the same name. That's not true. What is real? No I didn't. No no no. Did he imagine you as a nude model pissing yourself? I heard, what it was is I heard a story from

a friend's wife who's also a friend of mine but it doesn't mean they just have to be married to each other. The husband's not really relevant here. From a friend they I had a story about

someone else who'd gone to art school and one of their nude models for life drawing was called Ken and he was leaky right

yeah yeah yeah what dribbling a bit he dribbled out his knob end like Sting you're in you're in on this anyway

leaky Ken has been completely retired as a character and the whole franchise is now owned by Precum John was it what

fluid was Leaky you know you would know that if you've been following the show at all I love being in the show well you don't know anything about

Precum John do you I listen to the show I listen to the show by the sound of it I really enjoyed the show I listen to the show not enough for the sound of it I really enjoyed the show last week I'm honestly

really for just calling Biffo the co-host I'll be down with that yeah well then but

he's gonna get all the plaudits yeah just well you don't need plaudits you've got a family you've got a whole live kind of

career going on you were taped going to Ibiza yeah going on tour with tape on face I did do that just did a bunch of fucking crowd control

we haven't been on stage with anyone famous the two bands I've never done a tour with tampon face yeah oh he would like that

I think he'd like that I will mention it too I've got to spice the act up I'm going to replace tape with sanitary towels. Just baffle a load of them in there. Drink a glass of water and see what happens. Oh, that's actually quite good. His head would explode.

I like being here, and I just feel a little bit marginalised. Well, I love being here. I'm not making this up. I'm not lying. I love being here. All right, we know. Biffo, perhaps you can answer me this.

Is there somewhere i can buy the blue water they use on nappy ads have you tried blue water shopping center that's all they sell or the little balls that represent i know where you get them the the they what are they called they absorb it yeah orbeez oh you can get them anywhere my son got a load of orbeez and his idea was to try them with different liquids to see what happened. What did they do?

They expand. But the first one he decided to do off his own back, bat? Off his own... I think both works. Was bleach. Oh. They just melted into this.

Disgusting. You ever put your hand in a bowl of Orbeez? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so satisfying. Ever put your knob in a bowl of Orbeez yeah oh it's so satisfying you ever put your knob in a bowl of Orbeez yeah you get a big bowl

of them so it feels like it's underwater but it's not actually underwater they feel wet but they're not I should have bought some

I should have bought some Orbeez because I've done them that's a digitiser blue water yeah isn't it but yeah different different fluids

don't do bleach there's a question from Janice Bremer for Ash Janice Bremer why isn. Janice Bremer? It says, why isn't Ash more often part of the show? He was somewhat of a semi-regular guest and I always enjoyed his quote-unquote phone calls.

Those five-minute parts that become delightful in the show. I thought they slowed the show down, frankly. Yeah, it was sort of just a bit disconnected, wasn't it? The other one or two were good, but overall it was like... What happened was, Janice, I just grew too big for the show. just a bit disconnected wasn't it the other one or two were good but overall it was like what happened to Yanis I just grew too big for the show

well there you go he doesn't even want a beer bit like Fat Sal really he can't I would like to engage Yanis

if that's okay do we all know who Yanis is no Yanis he yes you do Yanis

not personally he's a German gentleman from I believe Heidelberg he has definitely murdered Janis he yes you do Janis not personally he's a German gentleman from I believe Heidelberg ja he has definitely murdered he's a big fan of the Practicing Firth podcast

and he has I reckon murdered at least 10 adults what makes you think this well he keeps posting pictures of knives he did a lot of flashing pictures of me and Justin Panks with our heads on.

And there's quite a lot of, like, he would do sort of almost pornographic pictures. But it would just be me and Justin. There's one of me laying there naked and Justin inside me, but spooning from behind. And he sent a message saying, is this okay? He's like, no, mate. Is that him? The element of self-doubt is beautiful. He's like no mate no no is that him the element of self doubt is beautiful

he's a great guy he's a great guy but he is a twisted individual wow what's the best Steve Mannion says what's the best insult you've ever heard

directed at yourself or somewhere else someone else one of my favorites is Yamar wears army boots on the bog and brushes their teeth with polyfillet

it's a bit convoluted that one yeah it's like come on punch it up yeah you need to make that more spunky

I was playing football once and someone got so there was like gonna be a fight it never actually happens in football there is a fight

but they were sort of chesting each other and then my one of my oldest friends just got so angry and he called the other guy a piss ant which just isn't something that anyone actually ever says you don and he called the other guy a piss ant which just isn't

something that anyone actually ever says you piss ant it's an American thing isn't it you goddamn piss ant it stopped all of the aggression

because everyone laughed and even he was like I don't know where that came from it's stupid what a way to lose an argument what is a piss ant

though is it like an ant that crawls up your stream of piss and get into you you know there's a fish that does that? That's not true. I was told it was.

It is not. There is a fish. I'm not interested in it. There is a fish. There is a fish. That is all that is true. It doesn't go. I've seen a whole breakdown

of the physics. There's no way a fish could swim up a stream of urine. But what if you piss when you're in the water? Also, I think that's what it is.

It can then just go straight up your dick. Also, but you need a bigger penis. But you know, I think they're designed to go up like cows once. You couldn't electrocute, electrocute, Excuse me, let Ash speak. He doesn't get the chance.

Sorry, Ash. You couldn't electrocute yourself by pissing onto electrical wires because your piss isn't a constant stream. It's actually, if you did it super slow though, it'd be like... It's like a dotted line.

It's like a dotted line. Is it? So those drawings when you draw a piss coming out, they're dotted lines, aren't they? I don't know about you, weak-bladed bastards. When I piss,

it's a fucking solid shaft. You open a hatch and it falls out. It's a solid shaft of piss. When you piss, it's like a bucket falling off the top of a door like when you trick someone who walks

in just all out in one go oh god I've just gone off I was walking along with my mate oh this is the insult one

yeah which was staying on topic yeah we're both very hairy at the time someone shouted I'm still hairy now

I'm still hairy yeah someone shouted across the road tell your I'm still hairy yeah someone shouted across the road tell your dad to get a haircut which I always used to

I liked when someone said tiny man at you that's horrible as well it's not it's accurate

it's heightist stuff it's fucking heightist bullshit if I was an actual dwarf or an actual little person but it's even worse yeah yeah I'm just

on the verge of dwarfdom you make it sound like some birthright what's the official about two inches shorter than what I am is it really well I'm five you don't strike me well first thing I would I would say if someone said tell me about Eli it wouldn't be short no no he's short I'd say annoying grotesque smelly repulsive angry burly sexy

burly I'm not burly I'm a burly boy frisky shake my hand no I said it again no no

I don't like that Paul shake my hand Paul I do not want to handle your clammy stance shake my hand Paul is going 80% in with the... Remember, it's a brand new game. Hand or gland.

Which do you want? Do you want hand or do you want gland? I'll touch one. I want nip. Come on. I want nip nips. You want nips? It doesn't rhyme.

I do want nip nips, sir. Do you? I'll do it. I'll do it. Paul, is this meant to be the 150th episode? It's very poor. I can't even see what's happening here why don't you

fuck off though right all you do is bring me down every time we do this out of the house maybe put some effort in how about that

maybe I had to work late last night oh boo hoo you working late is just you playing records and drinking it's not a job

that's a job it's not a job it is a job I'd love to see you do it I can I'd love to see you do it that's why it's not a job. That's a job. It's not a job. It is a job. I'd love to see you do it. I can. I don't see you doing it. That's why it's not a job. If I can do it, it's not a job.

I don't see you doing it. Why won't you? Shut up. I can't see you doing it. Great comeback. Great comeback. Great comeback. You smell of poo.

I like that. Was that the best insult you ever heard? Yeah, you smell of poo. Big hairy donger. That was the best one I heard in a of poo big hairy donger that was the best one I heard in a church big hairy

donger donger in a church wait that information took so long to get Rose bring that big hairy

donger over here were they referring to the bell ringer or something no no it was just a mate of mine called another

mate big hairy donger I like the idea though someone bringing into a church the big hairy donger oh yeah yeah It was just a mate of mine called another mate, Big Hairy Donger. I like the idea, though, of someone bringing into a church the Big Hairy Donger. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Take your phone off. My phone went off. Who's texting you? You're unpopular. What are you doing? Take everyone's phones off. Now we're all looking at our phones. I really wanted to find that picture

that Yanis drove me and Panks having sex. You know what? You need to look at that. I'm not saying that. I don't want to just to update you yeah I've got a

an email from Netflix something that you might be interested in what are they asking for facts out yes it's like a Netflix

facts out special you should say that a solo show well listen people are listening and they're picking up my ideas my characters

so you should be glad that I'm promoting my character your character if my character does end up on Netflix it will be under my watch yeah

not yours yes but yours no you can't do anything with the character without me saying chubby camel

chubby camel that's not you want to you want to have like Votan I don't know clam or something Votan's clam I had one of those a few years ago in Bristol it was a rat You want to have like a rotund clam or something. Rotund clam.

I had one of those a few years ago at a nightclub in Bristol. It was a right chubby buff. We could call it Pearl or a rotund clam. It was right chubby. Christ, it looked like

it bucked his lips after eight rounds with Tyson. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's too much. Mike Tyson's a rapist Paul that's not appropriate that's not an appropriate way I can't believe you managed to lower the tone of Cheap Show

was it Mike Tyson as well the rapist Mike Tyson yeah why are you bringing him up it's not good Paul you know you go Bruno first. But he's got a cartoon show now, so everything's fine. It doesn't matter.

Or Mike Tyson has. Yeah, or Adult Swim. All of the characters I'm creating are getting stolen. Teen Yeti. How come, this isn't for this podcast,

but how come Mike Tyson can have a cartoon? I know, right? But, for example, I know I've... Gary Glitter can't get a costume. Because, yeah, why can't he do Gary Glitter or Fix It, for example? Well, let's refer this to our audience and start a poll.

And they can answer it. We can stay the fuck away from that answer. You know, there used to be a Rambo cartoon. Yes. And a Robocop one. Robocop. And Police Academy. I find this really strange when they make

alien toys and the 100 days of Sodom and they did 100 days of Sodom Debbie does Dallas used to be part of Swadshop for the alien toys

and the Barbarians Debbie does Dallas sorry are we okay yeah fucking digitiser people right let's just you know what

let's just crack on there's a definite teaming up going on and I don't like we can't help it if we've got

rapport I don't like the future for Cheap Show or you Eli I'm just suggesting that maybe Tignetti

has been usurped fuck off with Tignetti what was I going to say something witty I hope

it's not been too good so far alien just said the word beef mostly tonight I like that chow chow

chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow

street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street chow street not do you remember right we're gonna fucking end it we've got a lot of stuff to do we got on the show today we are gonna do something kind of special and it might go all to shit but feels like it might

feels like it really has the recent edition issue 8 of the cheap show magazine made by event every issue of this is fan fucking

tastic and this month she's gone overboard there is a basically a cheap show game in here the whole thing is a game. It's a Dungeons & Dragons game, and we're going to attempt to play it.

Is it Dungeons & Dragons? It's got, you know, rolling dice and decisions and action moves and things. But does it have Dungeons or Dragons? It doesn't have Dungeons nor Dragons. So why did you say that? Why don't you use the term role-play? Why don't you use the term that everyone understands? What?

Role-playing game. That's what you meant. All right, then it's a role-playing game. But you're just murkying the water, aren't you? Because, you know, people think, oh, there's no dragons. God. You're just lying to them.

I just want to kill you. And now a word... That's all. And now a word from our sponsor. Which is... Street child. It's cold. Oh, I'm hungry.

It's cold. Oh, I'm hungry. It's cold. What's that? Oh, it looks like it's in the banded phone box. Oh, what'm hungry. It's cold. Oh, I'm hungry. It's cold. What's that? Oh, it looks like it's in the banded phone box. Oh, what's in there? Street chow. Thank God.

Five pounds per muck. What? That's a portion of chow. It's called muck. A muck of chow. I'll have two mucks of chow. I was playing Scrabble on my phone the other day. Oh, yes.

What a great anecdote. Muck is a word. M-O-C. What does it mean? Yeah, it means... I know it's a... It's a legal Scrabble word, I noticed. I know it's mint on card, if you're a nerd.

Yes. Mint on card. Yeah, acronym. Mint on card. Do you remember when you used to get fizzy sweets on the line

of fizzy sweets this is not the do you remember podcast they used to come on a card do you remember you'd go to Calais

fizzy sweets yeah they'd be cola sweets round cola sweets in France and they'd come in a long strip of sweets

like those Zots why don't they sell them anymore do you remember those masters fucking hell they're doing this because it's annoying.

Master Universe. Master Universe gummies that came on a strip as well. Oh my God, yeah. They were amazing. They were like 10p or 5p as well. They were slightly wet. The colour in them was ridiculous. What's this?

They were Master Universe gummies. Oh, the wet ones. Yeah, the wet ones. That's it. Slightly, very moist. I used to slap it on your tongue whole. Yeah. And then you could just stick your tongue out

after a couple of minutes. And you had like He-Man on your tongue. But why did that sort of thing stop? Where did they go? There was a massive demand for them. Wet jellies. Wet jellies. Wet jellies.

I'm going to ask you all to shut up because I zoned out. And I need to get the show on. I don't care about mock. Mock. Mock. No, here we go. You stop doing that.

Here we go again, you two. Every aspect of Cheap Show infiltrates it. I nearly said a mock then. Just a kind of knee-jerk muscle reaction thing. It is a real word. It's a real word.

Yeah. It's a noun. Yeah. Informal. When did this become dictionary corner on Countdown? From North America. Dick, dick, dick.

It's a North American word. I am talking into the fucking mic and it's short for a moccasin a moccasin oh a mock that's disappointing

shoe shoe a shoe I did encourage you to push on with that and I wish I right and then we're going to end

with a why did you just say great I wasn't listening and I just wanted to be bold just keep interrupting him to read

Paul is it 10 o'clock already no it's not 10 o'clock we've done we've done 8 o'clock for about 3 hours Eli

of course you keep talking about beef and street chow street chow it's the only chow I know street chow I like the chow

hard and slow street chow Paul's just raised his hand to Eli he's just raised his hand to Eli. He's just raised his hand. He's now pointing. I'll hit you. I'll hit you with a fist.

It's the only chow I know. Can I say one thing? Street chow. I just want to move on with the show. All I really want to do is go... All I want to do is move on with the show. Have you ever had four people on before? Yeah, that's why we don't do it.

All I want to do is check out until the sun goes up. Stop singing! A big shout out for me! No, stop! Paul is squaring up

to Eli now. Paul, when you attack... Are you able to attack? You're the Donald Trump of this podcast. You are. You've got a fleck of foam at the corner of your mouth there. You're the Boris Johnson. Politics, politics.

I just want to move on. We're doing the magazine. Move on to your new podcast with your new friend. Call it Digitizer 2 or something he's not going anywhere mock mock a mock ah damn it

and then we're going to do a pricey shite and then we're going to go home and that's the episode alright right can we move on hold on Eli lives here

good I can't go home I can never go home oh my god moving on that's the story the tragedy of Eli shoot child

I mean Eli's on the hiding to nothing You can tell he's pissed Biffo off He's completely upset him with the whole fat Sal thing I warned him about Championing fat Sal when it's not his character Not his intellectual property And always misgenders the character Of course he doesn't care about it

He just likes the fact that people like him So no, I wasn't surprised that Biffo got mad about that. Ash, I'm a bit more shocked about him trying to feign interest in a podcast with Eli. So yeah, I'm a bit upset and Eli obviously not giving two shits. Talking about street chow for the time.

So no, I wasn't particularly happy by the first segment of the show. At this point, I was just hoping the game would go better. Look, what Eli needs to understand is that fat so is my intellectual property and my character to exploit as i see fit if i want to take fat sow into new territories and and new mediums then that's my right to do it i mean i think potentially fat sow could be the next Pudsey the dog. So as you can hear from that, there is definitely a lot of tension, a lot of people with their own agendas, I mean, is what it sounds like to me afterwards.

You've got Ash. Ash seems to be angling for some kind of collaboration with me, but he doesn't want to come out and say it because it might upset Paul. Biffo just basically trying to downplay the importance of Fat Sal to all of our lives now because it's just been such a huge thing. And he seems to be saying Fat Sal might move to another performer, which would just be wrong, wouldn't it?

I mean, people speak for themselves about that. I don't have to say anything about that. And Paul just acting like a cunt as normal, isn't he? I'm sorry. Right, we're going to attempt something on Cheap Show now that might go disastrously wrong and put all the good work of event to waste. But we are going to attempt to try and celebrate 150 by playing the Cheap Show magazine D10 edition issue 8 adventure game.

What's that referred to? What? D10. D10's a dice, isn't it? Oh, that comes with 10-sided dice. Well, this is the thing. If you're a patron you have already been sent this

if you want to play it with the magazine you've got to print out the QR code on the back which has those little sheets

that you have in your hands the little score sheets but you have to find your own ten sided dice look I'm hanging

off the light like what's his name Buster Keaton is it no the other one Howard Lloyd yes

Howard Lloyd yeah hanging off a clock like that. Hooray for Harold Lloyd. What's that film? He was good Harold Lloyd. He was great. Yeah. Oh he is. So the idea is

when you get it, when you buy the physical copy if you go to, I'll give you the links at the end of the episode but basically if you get a physical copy you also get these dice. Two ten sided dice to play the game. And that's the D10. And that's the d10 and that's the d10 so beautiful piece of work yeah it's amazing i mean i'm genuinely awed by it i mean we've i've often talked about events work on the cheap show magazines full stop and i i genuinely believe

they're better than this podcast so can i just say as well my hair in this is absolutely superb isn't it yeah spliff haircutiff haircut, isn't it? I don't know what that means. Talk into the microphone and maybe we can hear you say it. I don't know what that means, spliff haircut. I think it was just... It doesn't mean anything. It didn't mean anything.

I just think they went... It's a callback, I think. Don't expect meaning from Paul. That's a thing they do. He destroys meaning. Shall I read the rules because you're going to fuck it up? Yes. All right.

But I have read the rules. Can I be Dungeon Master? I mean, to fuck it up. Yes, but I have read the rules. Can I be Dungeon Master? I mean, there is no Dungeon Master, but if you want. Can I be Maze Master? Can I be an elf? It's a choose-your-own-adventure. It's a cross between a choose-your-own-adventure and a buying game. The basic version of this is

on every move, you go to a different store, depending on the story, right? When you get to that store, you roll a dice to decide on what items are available on that store. Then you can choose to buy them, okay? You've got to get three items in an hour. And it's not real-time hour. It's game minute hour.

So every move, which means if you go from one table to the next, that's five minutes. The time you spend at a table is five minutes. So if you decide to stay at the same table for two rows, it's ten minutes of time. Once everyone has run out of time, the game is over. We don't know how long it will last, so we're going to just play for 25 minutes and then see how we do. Can we start playing now? In a minute.

I also want to just say that each one of us has got a copy of the magazine, and in it is the game scenarios and every list of items. Now, the items have a code, and that tells you how much they're worth, what your discount can be, if it's rare, and some other number. We'll figure it out when we read the rules.

But we're going to do scenario, the flea market to start with, right? That's the first one. Event said we should do the more complicated game, which is the boot sale. But I thought, well, shit, let's keep it simple. So, what I will say is, Eli, do you want to read the rules okay what's

where they aim of the game it's the back two pages can i just say i uh from my o-level english literature i'm old enough to have done o-levels i did a book report of a choose your own adventure i did death trap dungeon did Death Trap Dungeon. That's amazing. Didn't we talk about that? That's fighting fantasy. I couldn't be bothered to read a whole book, and I thought I only have to do kind of like, you know, Half of it. Yeah.

I got a C. I mentioned this. I tried to draw the map of Death Trap Dungeon. Ah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't make sense. No. I heard you talking about it, and I thought when I was just doing that.

You agree then? Yeah. It wasn't just me being stupid? No. Does it matter, though? I mean, that's not You agree then? Yeah. It wasn't just me being stupid? No. Does it matter though? I mean, that's not me being facetious.

Does it matter that it doesn't fit together? Well, it does if you try and draw a map of it. Oh, okay. If you try and make it a rational environment, it's not a rational environment. Everyone cheats anyway. Yeah.

That's true. At those. No one, you know, I used to actually roll the dice sitting by myself and actually fight the dice. What to decide.

Yeah. Yeah. And then go, oh no, I died. I'll do that again. The problem is, I never had them. I always wanted them and actually fight to decide yeah and then go oh no I died I'm sorry again the problem is I never had them

I always wanted them and I never had them so I just had to imagine it yeah that's sad it is really sad was it Steve Jackson and Ian Livingston

I just remember yeah yeah Ian Livingston who had created Lara Croft from Tomb Raider really that's what he went on to do

Jesus Christ ka-ching what did Steve Jackson do he just told you no that was Livingston oh alright I presume

Paul also he there was a there was a there was the fighting fantasy books yeah but then there was

another series wasn't it there were a few there was one I like called Lone Wolf oh ah it's nerdy isn't it there was a sorcer, wasn't it? There were a few. There was one I like called Lone Wolf. Oh. Ah. It's nerdy, isn't it?

Well, there was Sorcerer's One, which was a more advanced system. I remember that one. There were a few. Anyway, I'm sure the viewers can tell. This bull's looking antsy because we're just talking. At least we're not singing.

I'm very aware of that. We're not. So we're going to try and get through this as quickly as possible. So there is also going to be video footage online, but it will be available for Patreons exclusively for a few months but hello everyone

we're filming hello we haven't forgotten about you this is going to take me forever I'm glad that you told me that because I've picked my nose

quite a few times did you eat a bogey well you're in very good company did you see there was something on the on the internet he didn't see it but check it out

check it out I got paid some money to hold a broomstick on fire yeah on fire yeah yeah

the Pope picking his nose and eating it really eating it but then you know if you had God's bogeys you'd eat it

yeah you'd eat God's bogeys holy snot do you reckon he has holy snot and holy poo and wee yeah

do you reckon if he pissed on a vampire it would die yeah I would actually it'd have to or cry on a vampire or pooed on a vampire or spit

would the Pope's poo be what's it called when you get a bit of a saint a bit of a saint yeah yeah yeah there's a name for it you'll know

martyr remnants no not remnants relics so would the Pope's shit be a relic not like part of a well it can be it can be like a finger There's a name for it. You'll know. Martyr? Remnants. No, not remnants. Relics. Relic. So would the pub shit be a relic? Not like part of a... Well, it can be. It can be like a finger, can't it?

A coprophile. Yeah. A coprophile who is interested in... No, a coprophile. What are they called? Yeah. Fossilised poos. Cop...

Oh. Oh, God. I don't care. Coprolites. Coprolites. A coprophile is someone who really fucking likes them. Oh, big coprolites coprolites a coprofile is someone who really fucking likes them coprolites

shall I read these rules then yeah alright because there's a lengthy amount so we are going to have to pay attention

because I do want to give this proper justice the aim of the game stroke adventure is to buy

three items from the sale within one hour of in game time not actual time after a player

purchases his or her third item or ran out of time, the game automatically ends for that player. If there's more than one player, the game ends after each player's either purchased their three items or ran out of time. See scoring. The story. There's two scenarios. The London Flea Market, starting on page three.

That's the one we'll be playing. That's the one we'll be doing, yeah. And the Trumpington Car Boot Stale. Oh, that's the one we'll be playing that's the one we'll be doing yeah and the Trumpington Carboot Stale ooh that's good isn't it we did that a London scenario I was there

would be a good start while luck and random events play a larger role in the Trumpington one navigating through the story is easy first each player picks a character

so Paul well I'm going to be Paul the four characters are us so I'm going to be Paul there's Eli, Ash and Biffo and each character

has their own kind of special moves am I Eli in this game no because that would then can you do an Eli impression

ow sounded like wounded dog I don't know it sounded like 80 year old Michael Jackson I was doing an

impression of your impression of Eli oh well most people do yes indeed okay ow like cameo ow word up ow doing the impression of your impression of Eli. Oh, well, most people do. Yes, indeed. Okay. Ow, like cameo.

Ow, word up. Ow. Ow. Can you do an impression of Eli? I don't know. Yeah, this is just good. This is amazing. Oh, that's a good one, Paul.

We've got to keep focus, focus. I was pretending that Eli's voice was Paul doing the impression of Eli. We're never going to read all these rules. There's like two pages of them. No, there's one page really

each person picks a character and either starts from the predicated pre-decided sorry starting point London scenario or rolls the dice

to decide a starting point so we're just going to worry about starting where we're each player simply reads the text and proceeds to the next

location by choosing one of the options make sure to write down the locations you visited on your player card to avoid visiting the locations you visited on your player card to avoid visiting the same table

I have a pen I stole twice by mistake note you can revisit you cannot revisit random events if you do happen to come across a random event which has already taken place

retrace your steps and pick another option right special events or paragraphs you go to that have an event that affects the game so you can't go back to them

buying items most table distills have at least one item you could purchase see the item list so when you go to the paragraph with the table it will tell you

what the items are or if they're blank and you need to roll to decide what the item is I get 50% off gaming items yeah you do I'm so anxious unless you get more

we've got special we've got special moves for these for the items what's mine we can read it and find out so Eli's special power Unless you get more than... Oh, we've got special moves for these, for the items. What's mine? We can read it and find out. So Eli's special power is he has a good eye for cheap stuff.

Why buy expensive items if you can get five cheap ones? So you can pick from one additional item list. If you go to a table and there are three items, you can also roll it a fourth time for a fourth item and add to that table. I can do that twice. So you can only do that. Okay. Yeah.

It's exciting, isn't it? It's complicated. Jesus. When I was 16, I went to college and studied advanced science. Yeah. After about three months

of being there, I was in a lesson and the teacher said something and then it dawned on me that I had no idea what was happening. And you know you've had that dream where you're at school

and I was in that in real life and I went, I felt like I'd missed two weeks of college and I just went to the teacher and said I've got to go

and I left that college and I stopped going to that college and is that how you feel right now? this is exactly honestly how I feel now okay shall I keep reading it Paul?

I've got a headache yeah it's a lot of I tell you what shouldn't we just play it? that's normally the best option because we can always refer to the rules if we get stuck so for instance when we go to pick items It's a lot of... I'll tell you what. Shouldn't we just play it? Let's just play. That's normally the best option.

Because we can always refer to the rules if we get stuck. So, for instance, when we go to pick items, we can break down. Okay, so we'll get started then. Each item has a code. I will read this out. So when you get the item given to you or the item you roll, right, there are four sections. The original price, which is like £2.50, max discount. So if it says 50, it means you can only have 50% of that price tops

even if your special move means you can do more than that you can't do more than 50 right rarity you don't have to worry about rarity and rating you're so overwhelmed

right should we just start I will read the flea market I've got a pen we'll share that because we will take turns anyway it means we can all take a pen

when we need to right with that in mind let's begin. Everyone's got their scorecards. Oh, shit, this is going to be stressful. Here we go. Scenario one, the flea market.

Paul Gannon Eli Ash and Paul Rose all visit a London flea market shall we do some background noises yeah go on rhubarb

rhubarb good job Paul Gannon fresh chow don't do background noise because then you won't be listening to what's going on we haven't been anyway no I know good job chow Paul Gannon made background noise because then you won't be listening to what's going on. We haven't been anyway.

No, I know. Good job, chow. Paul Gannon made sure to bring all the audio equipment to record another great episode of Cheap Show. Eli brought himself some energy drinks.

So this is unrealistic. You've turned up with all the things you need. Ash brought his son for some moral support and Paul Rose is hoping to score some items for a few more.

Why is my name the only one that's... Paul Rose. If you call me Biffo, that would... It's just weird formal. I'll call you... What do you want to be called?

For the sake of this game. I don't mind being called by my name. I know there's two Pauls. Oh, we'll just call you Biffo. Then I'll read it from Biffo from this point on. Right, when all four of them arrive at the North London Flea Market,

there are some disappoint... There are somewhat disappointed by the amount of stalls. They are. There's about 20 of them. Have some people gone home already? Maybe. It all seems organised enough, though, and the tables are pretty packed. There you are. Paul Gannon hands everyone £10. Okay, guys, good luck. You've got one hour. I'll start because I'm best. Paul Gannon's adventure starts.

I haven't started the timer. Oh, yeah, we'll start the timer. We're going to play for 25 minutes so we can lock this down. So are you ready? Lock down. Have you started? What do you mean, have I started? Have you pressed start?

Yes. All right, well, then we're going. Right, good. Paul Gannon's Adventure Start. So you've chosen to play as Paul Gannon. Good choice. You have three options to take. Take a closer look at the stall on your left. Go to 50.

Take a closer look at the stall on the right. Go to 57. Or start walking towards the stalls ahead, 39. Oh, I'm going to go to 50. So that means I go to... Why did you make that decision? Why not? Right, it's the first move.

Does it matter right now? I just wondered. Stall on your left. Everything matters. Right, so I'm going to page section 50. In real life, you just went off to get a burger from a burger van. No, he did. That was me.

He got a burger before the show started. That was a good burger, man. It was not. You got the shit. Right, the small table has some reasonable items on it, but it's all quite expensive. Maybe you can strike a deal. For 64, special 49 or 92.

If not, you can always visit the table to your right, go 45, or on the left, go to 57 or walk ahead. Now, I'm going to stay here, cross one zero off because that's a five-minute marker, and I'm going to try... What one zero off Because that's a five minute marker And I'm going to What is 64? What is it? I

64 Oh shit I'm getting a migraine A wallet with roughly 20 DVDs It's eight pound I can get 60% off It's quite rare You're talking really fast

It's freaking me out He's making me anxious What does my superpower allow? What does my superpower allow? What does my superpower allow? I don't know. I don't do drugs. Well, ask me. Shut up.

I'm making a possible decision. I don't know why I said possible. A very good bargainer. He's able to persuade sellers to deduct an additional 10% off all purchases. So what's 10% off? Hang on.

Hang on. 50. I can get 40% off. Add that for 50's 10% off? Hang on. Hang on. 50. I can get 40% off. Add that for 50. So I'm going to ask. Have you done your move yet? No, I'm doing it now.

I don't know what's going on. None of us do, Paul. I've lost the number. Hang on. Oh, Jesus. Christ. 57. What's happening? 57.

I got 57. He's just muttering to himself now. Hang on. I've gotten confused because you keep talking shit. I'm going to eat some nuts. I went to the wrong table. I went to the wrong table. I went to 57.

I'm going to go to 50. And I go there and it's got that 64. Right, next. 64 was what? A wallet DVD. So 60% add 10% is 70%. What's 70% of £8 do you like? 70% of £8 is 8 times 7.

So what's the price I'm paying? What's 8 times 7? It's 56. Yeah. So what's the price? £5.60. Should you have got a calculator? It's £5.60 I've got to pay.

Is 56 7 times 8? I don't know. I'm going'm gonna buy it I've used my superpower once so I've got a tick that and I can't do that again I've bought it for I'm gone 7 60 percent of 8 pound is 5 pound 40 yeah 560 560 so I 560 DVDs and then that's I have a guy there 50 yeah it is, and then that's... Can I have a go now? 50. Yeah, it is your go now. That's what I've done. Eli, you start.

Eli Silverman, adventure start. You've chosen to play as Eli. Of course you have. Understandable. You start browsing the market from the eastern side. You have three options. Take a closer look at the stall on your left. Oh.

11. Take a look at the stall on your right. Or start walking towards the stalls ahead. I your right or start walking towards the stalls ahead i'd like to start walking towards the stalls ahead 66 go to 66 it's in the next section where the little paragraphs are so you go to 66 which is can i just say there was a typo in that sorry ivan for uh for that but it says browning which could it be he could be browsing or you could be browning the market that's for all we know maybe you are I could use some of that

browning stuff right 66 where are you hamburger bar oh hey oh wow I could go for a burger

I'm rather hungry why are you speaking like an actor you want point because I'm trying to give it something Paul for the listeners

I could go for a burger I do not sound like that you do I could go for a burger. I do not sound like that. You do. I could go for a burger. A burger towards a burger you fancy. Plenty of pickles. Ha ha ha. That one's three pounds, sir.

Mmm. You really should be buying items, not burgers. Just when you decide it's best to keep shopping, he proclaims, if you purchase a burger, you'll also get a chance to take a peek in my suitcase full of rather special items. It's full of dildos Eli's getting. Weird.

But that does sweeten the deal. So do you want to grab a burger? Yes, go to 7C. Oh, wow. He went for the burger. That's it. You've got to do it after your next move. You have to do it on your next move.

Do I have to tick some off? Yeah, you've got to tick off one of your circles. One of your zeros. Yay. What? I don't understand off one of your circles. One of your zeros. Yay. What? I don't understand. See your little circles. Oh, up there.

Oh, I see. Yeah, so you haven't bought anything yet, but on your next move. Right, who's next? Me. Me, me, me, me. Go. You made a clever decision

to go shopping with Ash. You have three options. Take a closer look at the... One of us has got to be shit, though. We can't all be, have you chosen him? That's good. It's like nah

you've chosen Ash you desperate prick I don't know just saying well there's only one character left you've chosen Eli what's the point because Ivan is nice

unlike you yeah alright people you have three options take a closer look at the stall on your left go to 17

take a look at the stall on your right go to 27 or start Take a look at the stall on your right. Go to 27. Or start walking towards the stalls ahead. Everyone has that option, don't they? Yeah. What are you going to do? Big boy?

My natural response is to turn right. Oh. So that's 27. 27. It's exciting, isn't it? So number 27. Yeah. Table.

Oh. This is rather a large table with lots of clothes and a few other things. You find both 58 and XX. XX means you have to roll a yellow and a black dice. It's the first time we've had the dice. So 58 is a boxed copy of Cluedo. XX will be whatever these two digits end. So if you roll that one and it's one and you roll that,

it's six. You get 16, so that's the item you look for. I genuinely have got a little bit excited now that the two D10s have come out. Yeah. Smell the D10. Biffo's tenting. Do you want me to audibly roll these? Yeah, why not? It brings them in. So, a bit foley.

Jingle jangle. It's good stuff. Tinkle, tinkle. What is it? 81. 81. All right. Can you go up to 81? Yes, you can.

Ladies, 81. Oh, I'll find it. I'll tell you. It's a positively happy book by Noel Edmonds. It is worth two pounds. You can get 50% off, and it's quite rare. See, I... Well, what's your superpower?

Because maybe you can use that. I get three extra time uses. Do you? At a table, so you don't have to take your time off. Because that's his power. Does that have to do with the veganism? Yes, it is. I just get a little bit longer on that.

It says... They never shut up about it, do they? Ash wastes... I didn't bring it up. I know. Ash wastes no time. If an item is good, it's good. It's as simple as that.

He starts his adventure with 15 instead of the regular 12 time sections. So you see on your little card, you've got three extra little zeros. Yeah, use the extra three times. So when do I call them into play? Well, it just means that you have more time. So if you stay at a table for two rounds, you tick them off. But even though you've cut those off, you've still got three extra at the end. So no matter when you run out of time when we run out of time you've got three more moves

okay so what I'm gonna say is I'm definitely gonna buy that the Noel Edmonds book Noel Edmonds book so can I have the pen please there you go on your little sheet

write down how much you've spent on it so I'm crossing off a zero yeah that's a solid thing how much was that £2.50 I spent way too much

on that fucking books of DVDs how much did you spend well I've got £4.40? I spent way too much on that fucking box of DVDs. How much did you spend? Well, I've got £4.40 left. You've got this already? So it says £2.40. You've got £3.40. It says £2.50 C2.

What does that mean? £4.40. £2.50. Ash is asking you questions. Sorry, what did you say? It says £2.50 C2. Hang on. What was the price item again? Paul, how many pounds did you start? It says 250C2. Hang on. What was the item again?

Paul, how many pounds did you start with? The book, it was two pounds. You can get up to 50% off, but that means you have crossed another zero off your time slip. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I don't. I spent two pounds. That's absolutely fine.

So what do I write here? You write down the item that you bought. So if it's an old Edmunds book. I mean, I don't know what you bought. On here? Yeah. So down the item that you bought. So if it's the Noel Edmonds book. I mean, I don't know what you bought. Price paid, discount. So I bought item 81. Price paid was £2. No, you took the extra time

so that it cost you £1 because you got the discount. Oh, no, I didn't need to take the extra time because it was only £2. Are you keeping all this in the podcast? Yeah. Rarity. I put some interesting music under it.

Rarity C, rating 2. I'm just wondering. Well, we're just playing it ad hoc. all this in the podcast yeah rarity music on the written rarity rating just wondering well we're just playing it ad hoc Paul what this is not a successful segment

shut up I'm really enjoying this of course you are forget about the podcast I'm loving this yeah see there you go

we've got to make it interesting maybe be a bit more fucking funny I'm hungover yeah you're always hungover we've not recorded

an episode of Cheap Show where you've not been hungover. Yes, I still have. I can't remember. Last one. Right, Mr Biffo,

it's now your turn to read your section and continue on with this adventure. Mr Biffo was an obvious choice. An obvious choice, ladies and gentlemen. A bit too obvious,

ladies and gentlemen. You have three options. Take a closer look at the stall on your left. Go to 28. The one on your right, go to 53, or start walking towards the stalls ahead. I'm going to look at the stall on your left. Got a 28. The one on your right, got a 53. Start walking towards the stalls ahead.

I'm going to look at the one on my left, 28. Okay. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you read things out. Mate, you know what? I'm trying to be on your side here to get you a bit more leverage and cheap show, and then you just keep throwing shit back in my face. I wasn't necessarily criticising you. Just get easy.

I know it's not like, oh, knob, gag, blah. We're playing a game and we're trying to entice people until playing it. Fucking hell. Just calm down, dear. I forgot what table I was at. I was at 50, wasn't I?

Well, I'm at 28. I don't remember what table we were at. There's some reasonable items here. You spot 43, 78 and XX. You can now visit the table on your far left, go to 53. The table on your right,

go to 49 or walk towards the central area of the sale go to 25, I want to roll some dice so I'm going to look at XX, have a look at XX XXX 81, 7 or you could do 78, it's up to you

oh yeah, that's a good point white dice, alright so we set that rule then, which of those dice would you describe as white yeah considering there isn't one there's a lighter one than the other one

do you want to get involved interesting I don't know why you're bringing this up the trouble is I don't see colour okay are you not

that's a lie you fucking liar that's a real affliction that's a real affliction people suffer from well I'm going to go for 78 because I get a 50% discount on this huge stack of gaming magazines. No, fuck, I'm not buying them.

Bollocks. Do you know what I'd do now? Talking of gaming. Why don't you write them? You don't have to. In that case, I'm going to look at... Oh, God, I've lost my page. I've got a terrible pain In my thumb From playing the

Mario game Yeah On the 3DS No he's got Mario 3D Land That's my son's favourite game Is it? Not World No

Mario 64 is his favourite game Is it? Yeah Alright hang on Stop shitting on the gaming community What is your problem with this? I'm going to buy 43 Sorry

Alright what's 43? It's a pen knife Stab people Which is £1.50 £1.50 60% off Are you taking the discount Or are you just going to pay £1.50?

I don't get a discount for a pen knife I feel like a pen knife You can have a discount Right But it just means you take five I think a pen knife is very much an Eli item It's off your clock Yeah a pen knife

So you don't have to have a discount What is the aim of this game? The aim is to buy three items and at the end we rate them all and someone will get to the best points. No, no, I don't need the discount for this.

All right, okay, now you can save it. Right, it's back to me. I was at table 50 and you can write down your route on your card so you don't forget where you are.

50, right. 50. So what do I do next? Do I want to go to 45 or 57? I'm going to go 39. Everyone else walked next? Do I want to go to 45 or 57? I'm going to go 39. Everyone else walked ahead, so I'm going to go 39. I'm over here.

There's a very old man standing behind this table. Oh, you feel a bit sorry for him. Uncle Gumbly. You adjust your eyes and it's Eli. What? No, I didn't say that. Can I just interrupt very quickly? I realise I didn't make a choice at the end of my round.

I should have. You can do that next though. You've just got to remember where you are, what table you are. Right. There's an old man, and he's feeling a bit sorry for him. Would you like to see my range of pots and jars full of delectable, grumbly goodness? I've got a chad disc.

I've got some nice... I've got a dry chad disc here. I've got a nice ch disk. I've got some nice... I've got a dry chad disk here. I've got nice chelf scat hybrid jam. Chelf scat hybrid jam. Yeah, that's good. Created in the lab. It's a little bit spicy, but it's all a bit trickly down the throat.

Mate, can we just... Could you just, please? You have a car, us. All right, listen. You feel very sorry for him. It's a cold day. He has a healthy selection of items, but most of it is out of your price range.

Oh, yeah. You do spot 94 as well as X and X. Now, where do you want to go? All right, so what is 94? 94 is... Is that on the items list? Yeah, 94 is a top of the pops 1978 album

that is so it's a quid it's a quid I'm getting that that's a cannon I'm getting that I need to roll the dice give me a pen

I'm writing that is it my go shut up hello old man hello can I have top of the pops here you get free jam who's on the front cover of it

Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile and William you never used to get real people on the covers of Top of the Pops albums

no you didn't they were just nudie ladies no they were the albums really I think she's talking about an

annual yeah they were nudie ladies in Stripey Tops there's some cover versions on there like session musicians wow

to call them covers is so some were better than the originals they're copies they're sort of copies yeah

yeah cover versions imply the degree of creativity yeah that's what I mean they're just copy records right well I've bought that apparently though thank you very much old man

no thank you yeah yeah some of the early Motown copy records yeah were some of them were done by Elton John

and David Bowie oh really when they were and if you know if you're in the know about which ones you can get a good fanny penny

a fair penny a fanny penny you gotta get a fanny penny get a fair penny would you have a fanny penny just come on

your go where do you go next I'm at 66 lucky you oh am I no hamburger boy I ate the burger didn't I yes oh I was at 70 sorry 56. Lucky you. Am I? No. Hamburger buy.

I ate the burger, didn't I? Yes. I was at 70, sorry. You choose to buy the burger. Not bad, actually. Right. Take a look at this lot. The burger vendor hands you his suitcase.

Roll the dice and take a look at the corresponding items from the list of special items. Oh, it's in a special suitcase. S1 to 50 in the front of the magazine. Oh, look at them. Oh, special items. There's some crackers in a special suitcase. S1 to 50 in the front of the magazine. Oh, look at them. Oh, special items. There's some crackers So what do I do?

I don't know. Does it have numbers for the items or the old X's? So what, do I roll one dice or two? Well, how many X's are there?

Is it just a bunch of numbers? What number are you at? It says roll the dice and take a look at the corresponding item from the list of special items. Right, in that case you just roll the dice and take a look at the corresponding item from the list right in that case you just roll the

dice and then you how many of them yeah there's a problem because it starts with one so you can't roll one on two dice see what I mean

I'm confused because you've got items one to fifty so if you roll you can't roll one with two dice so does it tell you how many to roll

I think it just rolls one why can't you it was right there and you couldn't even roll it onto a table it's now on the floor because you tossed it

with the least amount of interest possible why don't we just count that die don't you count the one on the floor 7-5 can you look it up

for me please Ash which one number 7 7-5 no you're getting a bit chummy well yes the way the way

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The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way

The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way

The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way

The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way

The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way

The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way

The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way The way It goes up to 50. Too many deposits. It only goes up to 50, but there's a list at the back and the front. No, you're just going to worry about the first list. That's it. So should we just take the... List A. What number landed on the table? Let's do that.

It was 75. Only one die landed on the table, though, didn't it? All right, well, then that was five. Okay. What do I get? So you got a promo of One Step Beyond by Madness for two pounds. Oh, not bad. What, well then that was five. Okay. What do I get? So you got a promo of One Step Beyond by Madness for two pounds.

Oh, not bad. What, where's that? That's not number five. I actually bought that. Special item five. Oh, special item five. Oh. Yes, see,

you got it wrong. So your code for that is two pounds, zero discount, R7. Oh, he's doing well. Two pounds, zero, R7. So, he's doing well. £2. Zero.

R7. So now that you've looked in my special suitcase, Sonny Jim, would you like to put your penis in this hand of mine? Step back and step forward. You've got a moral idea. Why have I just gone to that? Step back and step forward. And then I'll make Mr. Whippy all over my cream cones.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Old Man, Old Pervert Man. This is my broth cannon. I just wanted to say that. I used to have a big gun that shot out Matt Goss into the air. It was my broth cannon. I regret that. a big gun that shot out Matt Goss into the air it was my Bross cannon yeah

I regret that I can see that I regret that I can see the the look in your eyes but the thing is getting closer to I don't get it

I was off with a joke but that's the point it's like I'm making a joke about these jokes all I'm doing is riffing on a boring pun and I've ruined it

riffing on a boring pun much better thaniffing on a boring pun. Much better than Riffing on a... Street chaff. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Street chaff. Mmm. It's salty doggy goodness.

Owner of some lonely chaff. Oh, you could twist it. Owner of some bony chow. Bony chow. Good. Chow on the bone? Yeah, on the bone. Kentucky Fried Chow.

Oh, I'd love a bucket of chow. My wife cooked this chow. Fucking kids better eat the fucking chow. Sundays are family time. You just get chow on the table. Everybody round the fucking table. I remember

that, it was really creepy. It was. It's Ashes Go. Right,

Martha Fowler. I've got to go out to work. You will not go out to

work until every last morsel of that fucking chow is in your belly, you little pretentious

fuck. Street chow. Stop it. Why? It's Ashes Go. Go on, your go. is in your belly you little pretentious fuck stretch out stop it why it's Ash's go go on your go

okay so hurry up Ash I was at table 27 look doing it successfully this is a rather large table with lots of clothes and a few other things

you find both oh he's lost interest which I mean I'd already read that bit you have three options look to the table to the left

go to 54 inspect the table on your far right go to 17 or walk towards the north and go to 38 I'm going north

to 38 do you know what's funny as well it's like game time is not real time but I've crossed off 50 minutes and we've been doing half an hour I've only crossed off one zero is that correct

yeah yeah I haven't done anything it's because I did a gamble and then I moved hour. I've only crossed off one zero. Is that correct? Yeah, I haven't done anything. It's because I did a gamble and then I moved and stuff. I haven't crossed off anything. You should have crossed off two at least. Two zeros. No, three, sorry, three. Because you had to move to the van, Rob, and take it.

I've had a burger. You're looking at a very cluttered set of tables. The lady behind the table enthuses. Each item five quid or less. Oh, lovely man. You spot five, 29 and 54. Oh.

You have four options next. Oh. Five, 29 and 34. Five, 29 or 54. It's a boiled sweet made of glass. Oh, no. That's a great item. Can glass oh no that's a great item can we talk about that

that's a great item a yellow emoji ballpoint pen or 54 54 is a photo album oh Eli's very

interacted by the boiled sweet they're all shit aren't they where are you going I'm standing over here you're not having a smoke job on the podcast

sit down you're right by the microphone everyone can see your fat gut right now as well right now there's going to be

a fisheye lens of your fucking tummy bending around the side of the screen what don't stand in front of it with your big arse up it's not a film thing

sit down we're playing a game do you want me to fucking punch you violence I will take I will take a toothpick so you'll meet us if you don't behave. Yeah?

Yeah. Thank you. Sorry, Ash, what did you decide to buy? Yeah, it doesn't matter anyway. It does matter. Very awkward. I'm going to go for the boiled sweet. Oh, a pound.

What number was that? Good choice, Ash. I'll tell you the code. That was... Cut the pen. The sweet was... I haven't got it. Throw it over there.

Eli, the pen, not the paper. Right, good. So I cross off a time. I'll tell you the code. So cross off the time. It was one pound. It was code C and rating two. And what number was it, please?

Five. There you go. Now it's time for Mr Biffo To move to the next market store And see what he's got Well I've got a choice Well I'm going to go to the table On my right

Which is 49 Oh 49 It's feeling fine 49 Can I just check I don't have to buy something No you don't But you do have to take the time off because you've moved.

It's not the law. Right. So did someone clean out their office? You spot 22. What's that? Anyone? Oh, I can look. Oh, look.

Sorry. 22 is a blue stapler. A blue stapler. Oh. How much is that? That is £1.50. Right. So I've got 20 whatever that was.

Stapler. Stapler. Stapler. S53 I've got 20, whatever that was. Stapler. Stapler. Stapler. S53. S53. Oh, that's a good one. It can't be S53. It goes up to S50.

You're on the wrong list. I'm not. Front page. Hey. S list. It's the special list. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It only goes up to 50.

That's what that says. S53. Does that not say S53? You can't say that, yeah. I have got an S53? You can't say that, yeah. I have got an S53. That's troubling. Well, what do I do?

I'm going to check. It says S53, and then there's a question mark and an exclamation mark after it. Question mark and exclamation mark. I don't know what that means. What's going on? Oh, I found it. It's at the very back. It's an original script of The Goodyear. It's £15. What's going on? I'm gone. Oh, I'm gonna found it at the very back. It's an original script of the Goodyear.

It's 15 pounds. What's that? What the hell is the Goodyear? I don't know. It's a book about tires. The blimp. The blimp. Yeah.

The Goodyear. How much is it? It's 15 pounds. You can get 50% off if you want. 15 pounds? 15, yes. Why haven't you got that? You only gave me a tenner.

You only get a tenner. But listen, it says you can get 50% off. Only for game stuff. me a tenner. You get 50% off. Oi, it says you can get 50% off this. It's rare and its code is six. So you can get it for £7.50. I don't know what it is. I've never even heard of that film. Well, then don't get it then.

Right. So what else do you want? It might be worth something. That's it. What was 22? Blue Stapler. 22 was a Blue Stapler. If I get a Blue Stapler,

you're going gonna say that at the end aren't you you don't have to buy anything i'm not i'm not buying anything that's all right or the worst all ever right good next time where am i i need a i mean in the game i need a isn't that what you're gonna do gotta brown the market oh come over here I've got a place You can deposit Mate Why does Uncle Grumbly Keep coming back I don't give a fuck I like Uncle Grumbly

Even though I shouldn't Right I am on table 39 So where do I go from there I can see you I'm on table 38 Hello Hello

How's it going I can see you both From the loo Eating a burger The bush Right Do I go to 76 16

or I can go to any of the stalls on the outer ring 50 or 57 I'm going to go to 16 I'm squeezing a brown one out my ring you spot a small table

filled with tools you spot 35 77 and XX you can now pay the stall on your right of visit or go to the other table I'm going to roll the dice

I've not done that yet so I'm going to roll the dice. I've not done that yet. So I'm going to roll the dice. Do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do. Boo! 83. Goes over, mate. Shut up, stop.

83. I made that. A Zippo lighter with Guns N' Roses on. Oh, I can't even buy that. I like that. I like that. I can't afford that. Even with a discount, I can't afford it. So I'll dismiss this.

Yeah, stop that. You've got to. So what else was there nine thirty thirty-five or seventy-seven thirty-five thirty-five

a wooden mallet what if the market's closed seventy-seven you can't keep shopping once they've been slightly rusty hammer they're permanent rusty hammer

I gave her a rusty hammer the other day rusty water rusty bucket and then I gave her and then I gave her and then I gave her a proper blue the other day. Rusty water, rusty bucket. And then I gave her a proper blue stapler. A blue stain. I gave her a blue stapler. Not a blue stain.

I would like a litre of nappy and blue water. Right, well, I tell you what. I've bought two items. How many have you bought? One. How many have you bought, Ash? Two. How many have you bought? you what, I've bought two items. How many have you bought? One. How many have you bought, Ash? Two. How many have you bought? One, but I've got... Well, I tell you what, you two

get an item each next. We've both got two, and then we can score it. Was I meant to write down something? Yeah, everything. I've just got £2.00R7. Yeah, because that's all you need to write. Because I will tell you what the points are. What was the other item I just got? You didn't get another item. Remember you said,

I had a burger. Yeah, then you what the points are. What was the other item I just got? You didn't get another item. Remember you said I'm not getting it. I had a burger. Yeah. Then you went for a shit in the game. And a little bit in your life. And a little bit in his pants. So what table were you at?

You can buy an item. If you buy an item and then... Hamburger. Yeah. And I rolled the dice, didn't I? And I got that item.

What was it? What item? You should know. You got it. What's in your... Hamburger. Yeah. And I rolled the dice, didn't I? And I got that item. What was it? What item? You should know. You got it. What's in your bag? £2.007. What did you buy? Something else.

You didn't write the code down, did you? I did. No, you wrote the code, but you haven't wrote the... Just go to another store. Go to another store. Was it the special item? Quick, quick. Mark is closing.

Quick, quick. Was it the special item? Mark is closing. Yeah, but he didn't buy it. You bought a promo of One Step Beyond by Madness? Quick, quick. Mark is closing. Quick, quick. Was it the special item? Mark is closing. He bought a promo of One Step Beyond by Madness. Oh, yeah, I remember now. Did you write it down? No, but I've got the code. He still hasn't.

Well, if you haven't written it down. I've got the code. S05. So is that the code he's got? No. So he's only got one item. It's that item, the Madness thing. No, I've got two items.

No, you don't. No, you ate one of them. One of them was a burger. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because you didn't go anywhere. You went to a burger. Then you pooped it out.

£2.07. That's the code for One Step Beyond, is it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Get another item now. Buy another item now.

Where's your next table? Go there. All right. Hamburger. Burger's closing. Get your shawty ass. Take your hairy child with you. Table on your right

Finish up now I'm going to the table on my right Right Get ya Get ya I'm going to the table on my right 18 Christ

I'm sorry this is boring Here we go I'm loving it This table Paul This table Yeah This table has loads of boxes Most of them are filled with old books

Oh that's nice That's nice isn't it Oh I love the smell of old books This is my Oh fuck off I'm going to do one voice I'll do another one Hey I'm Jimmy Biscuits

And this is my book store Who's the best books in the world There's a box labelled music Ah it's full of music books Aha There's 91 and 38 91 Not the best

There's also a small stack of vinyl Next to the box No Oh wow it's S07 What's that So 91 is a 7 inch single of Venus 38. 91. Not the best. There's also a small stack of vinyl next to the box. No. Oh, wow. It's S07. What's that? So 91 is a seven-inch single of Venus by Bananarama.

What was the other one? 38. 38 is an old vinyl single of Atmosphere by R. Abbott. I've got that already. Yeah, and then S, what is it? S what? S07. S07 is a misprint of Relayer by Yes.

A misprint? A misprint? A misprint of Relayer by Yes. Also... Where's the misprint? I went to see Yes in concert with my dad. Did you? It was incredible. Yeah.

Really? I got in trouble at a Yes concert because I used to work at Wembley Stadium, Wembley Arena. It's a long story. What did you do I may have been there did you go and see them

my best friend growing up was the son of Steve Howe the guitarist from Yes what I've been on tour with them dun dun dun

Eli's not a boring prick no I'm not look they both I met Jeff Downs ex-wife in a pub now that's a story oh no that was a story, yeah. She was bitter.

Really? Yeah. Rick Wakeman was at the gig. Yeah. He was playing keyboard. Obviously. Doing all that. But I went with my dad just because it was like,

yeah, yeah, I'll come with you. And then it was one of the best gigs I've ever been to. Oh, really? It was great. And they did loads of talking in between. Oh. When was this? Recently? I reckon we're to. Oh, really? It was great. And they did loads of talking in between. When was this? Recently?

I reckon we're pushing 10 years ago. 10 years ago. Because they don't talk to each other. The Rick and John Anderson half don't talk to the other half. Oh, it was Rick and John Anderson. It was. Yeah. Right.

Great. Now we're talking about, yes. Prog. Prog Paul. Prog Paul. Mate, it was genuinely amazing. I find prog, by and large, interminable nonsense. I'm sorry.

You're listening to Cheap Show. Yeah, well, that is interminable nonsense. Good. That's true. Do you want to shake the hand? Okay, let's do a podcast. Why don't the two of you

do a podcast about it? I'm just trying to grab the Yes album. You've got to get the Yes album. I'm trying to grab the Yes album. A voice comes from behind. Hey, you can't have that. I reserved that.

Throw one die. If you throw zero to five, it turns out the record was indeed reserved. Stop eating crisps! You put them near us, we're fat. This is thrilling. What did I roll? I can't even open them. A six. You got a six. Does that mean you get the album?

I throw to six and I have, it turns out the git was lying and you have first dibs to purchase it. Let's play that out. That's my lattice, I put dibs on it. I'll stick my broth cannon around the whole winky hole and... Barbara, hold the phone. I'm just going to get me nosh socked. What? Nosh socked?

Oh, dear. That's not even... My sock nosh. Is that what you meant? Me wobbly sock nosh. Oh, there you go. That's better. Did you buy it?

I got chicken stock coming out of my mouth. Write it down. Such an insight. Write it down. Such an insight to you then, Paul. You were so disappointed with something that didn't land. You got a laugh on your face. I want to get my nosh sock.

How much does it cost? And you livened up. How much does it cost? Two pounds. How do you know? Because it says on the list. All right, grab the pen. SO7.

I'll give you the code for it to write down. It is this. Right, it's two pound. No discount. R seven. Right?

That's what I've written down already. You couldn't have because... Oh, no, I did... Hang on, I've looked it up. No, it's seven. No, no, it's... Oh, no, they're exactly the same code.

Ah. Ah, they're exactly the same code. Fuck, I thought I was having a mental fart then. So, because they're both records., they're exactly the same code. Ah. Ah, they're exactly the same code. Fuck, I thought I was having a mental fart then. So, because they're both records? All the records have the same code? Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Or it's just coincidence you happen to get those two codes.

Right, Mr Biffo, go to another stall and roll the dice. Right, 29, I was... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right, I'm going to go to the left. No, I'm not. I'm going to go on the one on the right, which is 94. Oh, 94, 94. I might have to do

a little burp in a minute do it 94 stall large stall near the eastern entrance of the sale there's some gaming stuff oh

here as well it's 45 75 come on then let's see what that is that is a 90's Super Mario cap ooh

do you like that oh yes would I like that would you like that no it'd be rubbish I wouldn't have it but I love Mario what do you like that oh yes would I like that would you like that no it'd be grubby I wouldn't have it but

I love Mario what do you think the design is just a face of Mario on the people or is it a classic Mario oh I see

maybe let's say it's that because it's more interesting than just a baseball cap I couldn't put a hat on my head that was from a boots out no

all on the world why I'm really bad because it just has bits of dead man's scalp on it head that was from my boots out. No. All underwear. Why? I'm really bad with it. It just has bits of dead man's scalp on it. Is that when you spit squeamish? Yeah. It's just a bit of old flaky dead guy's head. Or if it was a Mario hat

it'd probably be like a dead child's hat. Scalp, scalp. That he pulled from the wreckage and dusted it off and went we can sell that. Poor little Timmy's. Timmy's dead. I have to say that children's funerals. Waste not what not.

He had quite a lot of gaming. Oh, it's a really, really sad situation, but that Neo Geo is worth quite a lot of money. To think we buried him in his Mario costume. Oh, well. Guys. All right, 45. Fucking hell.

45 is... Oh, well. Guys. Right, 45. Fucking hell. 45 is... Oh, it's a new... It's a set of four new alkaline AA batteries. For God's sake, I'm only finding the worst things at this market. I've got a couple of records.

60 is... A jar of homemade elderberry jam. That's for me. Elder Jerry Van. Elder Jerry Jam. Oh! He's the old bloke who lives at the end of the road. Elder Jerry. He's the old bloke who lives at the end of the road. Elder Jerry.

He wants an Elder Jerry jam. I've done it. I'm chatting it up. That is 18. 18 is... Well, I'm going to have to buy that, aren't I? Yeah. It's £3. Where's the pen?

I've unplugged my mic. I don't know how long that was for. Was it on there? I don't know if it was that long ago. Is it on DVD? I know it's on Blu-ray. Yeah, I know. I saw it in the shop.

Did you? Good. I did a sort of CEX, Quest for the Game Child. Did you? That's amazing. Also, thanks for taking my role in that. Some friend you turned out to be. It was a great shoot.

It was good. It was funny, wasn't it? I kept cracking... Cracking what? Cracking you up. You did. It was very, very difficult. We had a real moment.

We really bonded on that shoot. Yeah, it was funny. I loved it because everyone was there. Go get your fucking podcast. Eli was there. Right. Everyone was there. whole team go get your fucking podcast Eli was there right Stuart Ashton was there

shut up we're doing the scores do you remember when we really laughed we laughed so hard about how bad the food was no let me tell this story as a true story

the food was out and I'd never been on a shoot before and so someone I think Stuart said oh there's food there you can go get it. So I went up and they just wouldn't look at me. And I was standing there on my own.

And they were like, oh, there's vegan food there. So I went up and waited and waited. And then after about five minutes, she went, oh, will all the crew get served first? Of course they do. I didn't know that as a thing. So I walked back over and went, you absolute arsehole. What is anyone saying

I didn't know the rules you broke I didn't know the rules on set etiquette I didn't know the rules she weren't missing much the food was extremely discouraging on that show

however I am now on IMDB yeah because of the Ashen's movie yeah are you in the new one yes yeah yeah we're in right let's move on to the scoreboard Yeah. Because of the Asher's movie. Yeah. Are you in the new one? Yes.

Yeah, we're in. Right, let's move on to the scoreboard. Yeah, I took Paul's role. Oh, that's the one we're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you in the original? No, no, no, I wasn't in the original. But they said, they were like, oh, it's sad that Paul couldn't be in it,

but we are pleased because Ash did such a good job. He did do a good job. Thank good job he did do a good job thank you he did do a good job oh look at Paul right the best way to score is the maximum ranking if there's two or more

god it paid well no that's not true I'll be honest it paid much it did I was genuinely surprised how much I hold up fingers

go on shut up we're going to do the score I wish you had so here's how we do it alright I'm going to get through this very quickly

by price how much you score one price point for every 10% of a discount you've got a bargain for with a maximum of 5 of each item

so if you've got a discount of 50% and you've got you get 5 bonus so if you get 60% you can only get 5 bonus because that's as much as you can get so I got a discount of 50% and you got you get 5 bonus so if you get 60% you can only get 5 bonus because that's as much as you can get

so I got a discount of 60% so that means I get 5 points did you how many how many discounts did you get over the course

of the game I had a burger and then I bought some records what's your discount though did you get any discount did you get a discount I don't know I've got

you didn't write it down I've got Eli gets no points there I don't think he got a discount did you get a discount no discount did you get a discount? Did you get a discount? He didn't write it down. So Eli gets no points there. I don't think he got a discount. Did you get a discount? No discount. Did you get a discount? I don't know.

I don't know what that means. Next. So far, I'm winning. Oh, surprise, surprise. For each common item, you get one point. If you get an uncommon, it's two points. Rare is three. And extraordinary is E.

What's the key on that? R. If it's R, it's rare, right? Yeah, so what have you got? what's the key oh i've got oh it's rare right yeah so what have you got that's the letter i know i see write down your i see yeah common that's so that's

a point i don't know what i've written on that other one that's a point you that's all common so that's two so that means you've got three points so remember three points i'll do three points before

three i have what did i have was it common was you've got three points so remember three points I'll do three points Biffo three I have what did I have was it common was one point right so did you get any discounts no you didn't

we're talking about that so what items did you get did you get I got two C's two C's that's two points for you so Ash is

two and Eli two R's two R's oh so that is... It's a misprint. Relayer.

Misprint. Must have been recalled. I know some of their 12s. Eli has six points so far. Down by the edge, close to the water. Right, so here we go. Next way, the fourth and final way to score is by the point... So far away.

So far away. Dun, dun. Fourth and final way to score is by the point. So far away. So far away. Dum, dum. Fourth and final way. Next way is, we've done that. Fourth and final way is amount of time left on the clock. We won't do that, so that's fine. So, all right. So, okay.

Rankings. Biffo got three. Paul got five. Ash got two. Eli got six. Eli wins this game. Yes. Thank you. Well deserved. Well deserved. got two Eli got six Eli wins this game yes thank you however

on the ranking scale we've done badly we were 0-20 so we're squashed flea you're a flea market lightweight but we didn't play

the game to the end but boy did you come close we basically stinged it didn't we we started playing it and then we just stopped right before the end

I mean there's more points but that's fucking it I like it. Absolutely beautiful piece of stuff. Well, we didn't exactly do it justice, but we did try our best. I loved it. If you would like to get hold of this, you can. Why did you hold your crotch when you said that?

If you want to get hold of this. Am I right in thinking all Patreons get the magazine? All Patreons get this for free, so you can get that now. Are you guys on Patreon yeah how would I find that

oh patreon.com listening to this show I was doing a little advert I know it was very professional

I can do ads I can do ads no shh cold out mungry mungry mungry oi mungry Mungry? Mungry Oi

Mungry come here This is the mascot of Chow What's wrong with him? Hello Mungry What have you got for me? Mungry the dog?

He said monkey He's got his back legs missing Mungry the monkey Yeah Mungry I've got a lovely sausage

made of dog chow lovely Is that a new item? I'm sorry Is've got a lovely sausage made of dog chow lovely is that a new item I'm sorry is that a new item what are we doing

this game's over let's end is that chow tube what are you talking about squeezable chow yes chow tube

chow tube tear off the end give it here all cold hungry city streets chow tube chow tube and now street chow comes with end. Give it here. Oh, cold, hungry, city streets. Chow face. And now,

street chow comes with Uncle Grumbly's flavourings. Street chow peelers. Peelers, love it. Chow bongo. Chow bongo, chow bongo, they drink it in the Congo, in Coringham. Where? Chow jerky. Chow jerky. Chow built on.

Anyway, that was the cheap show. Chow scratch jerky chowf jerky chowf jerky chowf built on anyway that was chowf tong the cheap show chowf scratchings chowf talk this is chowf talk stop saying chowf chowf fun chowf fun

that's where it was invented stop saying chowf just stop saying chowf chowf fun St Peter chicken chowf crazy The game was fantastically conceived by Yvonne. It was a real piece of work. Amazing, the amount of detail. Go into the scenarios.

We didn't really do it justice. We only had limited time. But, I mean, Biffo did sort of... He didn't really put his heart into it at all. He did sort of... He livened up when he saw the dice, because he's that kind of strange person who gets off on that. Ash still, I think, was not really playing it to his full ability paul

again it just didn't come across and obviously i won uh because you know i mean if we're gonna extrapolate the metaphor of the game i win cheap show don't i basically you know i win it with my rare records and stuff they're worth more interesting an item that has been overlooked for so long came up during our playthrough the uh the glass boiled sweet which just didn't get its due then and hasn't now and is a great item and i think whose memory should should it should keep popping up the glass boiled sweet absolutely love the cheap show game incredible to see myself uh in such in such a way. I just started getting into RPGs, so to actually play my first ever RPG,

and I was actually one of the characters, was amazing. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and stuff about RPGs, and I've wanted to play them for ages. The artwork's incredible. The whole game is phenomenal. Really love it.

And I know that my boy, who was at the car boot was lovely to get a little mention in there as well so it was great and it brought us all together briefly yeah i mean i've ended an amazing job you know i did struggle with some of the rules i mean words aren't really my forte but you know i hope that we'll be able to focus on it and some of the weird atmosphere in the room would uh you know room would be taken care of as we played. At this point, I'd kind of given up on the show, to be fair. Eli Cockahoopin, Biffo, seemingly dejected and upset.

Ash, offering nothing once again. So I thought, let's just do a pricey shot and get out of here. But you know what? I knew there was something up. They were all behaving suspiciously before I started recording. There was something going on. And on reflection, I should have been a bit more suspicious because I got fucking done over.

So yeah, here's the bit. Here's the segment. Here's the reveal. If you listen to this and you can't respect me afterwards, then fine. Abandoned cheap show. But just know that what I did, I did when I was young and foolish. They're delicious, by the way.

Why are they £1.90? What an odd price. Yeah, right. I don't know what their mark appears to be. Because it makes you think, oh, it's not. Our corner shop. It's only £1.90. It's not £1.10.

I'm really trying to support my local corner shop rather than going to Tesco at the moment. They sell loads of stuff. But they had BrewDog, which I really like BrewDog. They had BrewDog on the shelf, which was, I think,

two for three pound. And then they had BrewDog, the same BrewDog, in the freezer, in the fridge, sorry, that wasn't on offer but they only had one Punk IPA left, so I took that one

off the shelf, from the two for three pound and I took one from the fridge and I put them on the thing and he said that's five pound or whatever it was I went, oh no I think they're two for three pound, he went, these ones are but these ones aren't, and so you have to pay full price for both.

Well, yes. So I went, but why? He went, no, it's like the ones on the shelf are cheaper. I was like,

but it's the same, but cooler. And I've got to walk home anyway. So they're going to be warm by the time you get back. It's not going to be. And, but then, so I find it really difficult to,

the confrontation, I would just pay. So you stabbed him to death. I had to i find it really difficult to the confrontation i would just pay so you stabbed him to death to kill him but then the the um managers the they all seem to be the owners but this guy come over and went this is ridiculous like of course he can have them for two three pound and then the other guy was like well okay on this occasion you can do it on this occasion and then every time I go in there since that bloke definitely holds it against me that I got the deal

that he was belittled wow right we're playing price of shopping ladies and gentlemen on this cheap show edition 150 sponsored by

Bobby's snacks because we just bought snacks from Bobby's cheesy chips I would like to try those just for the sake of legal chicken nuggets chicken nuggets what's the half on these Bobby's. Cheesy chips, I would like to try those. Just for the sake of legal. The chicken nuggets.

The chicken nuggets are... Ah, what's the half on these Bobby's cheesy chips, though? Can we have a quick League of Snacks report, Mr Silverman, please? I want you to try those, before I... Cheesy. A chicken nugget. Crisp. Ew.

It smells like paint. That's what you look for. You told me it smells like paint. I really liked Bobby's. I want to try a chicken nugget. I like paint. No, it doesn't. That's why you look bad. You told me it smells like paint. I really liked Bobby's. I want to try chicken nugget. I like them. Oh, what about beef grill? I think we've had beef. They're nice, actually.

Oh, the beef grills. What about these walkers? Are we just opening them all now? Is that what's happening here, Ash? Are you making... Yeah. I mean, I can't eat the Bobby's. What do you think of them?

Cheesy chips are fine, but a bit plain. Nice big bag. Beef balls. Beef balls? Chicken nuggets. Chicken balls, they're tiny. Well, they smell very much like Walker's roast chicken flavoured crisps. Yeah.

They taste very similar. Oh, I like those. They're all right, aren't they? They're nice. There you go. Unofficially, we've been sponsored by bobbies. I'm eating these. I'm eating these.

They're salty. Those chicken nuggets are doing it. They might have something to say about that. I keep eating them. Beer nuts. I'm eating the beef. I'm almost eating the Bobby for those beer nuts those chicken nuggets are doing it they might have something to say about that I keep eating them I've almost eaten the entire bag of beer nuts

I'll beat beef grills right should I sing the price of shite theme for a special 150th I was hoping you would ladies and gentlemen

to celebrate our 150th episode Eli Silverman will now sing the intro to the price of shite oh it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, Myra, it's the fucking Price of Shite.

Oh, Myra. What are you saying? You're saying Myra. I thought you said Bradley. You're saying Bradley. Bradley. Shall I start again? Have you started? I'll start again

go on when do we start recording the podcast no this is a warm up oh it's the fucking prize of shine Bradley Bradley

Bradley it's the fucking prize of shine Bradley it's the fucking prize of shine Bradley oh it's the fucking

prize of shine that's right that's right, Bradley. Bradley. Right, so we are just going to do a lovely traditional Price of Shite. Okay. That's it. It's not going to be a crazy thing.

I just wanted to do a special episode, 150. Yeah, yeah. Just keep it simple. Do a nice Price of Shite. So I'm going to show an item, and then you're going to look at it, and then I'll show another item, and then another item, and then we all guess the prices and whoever wins

gets all the bobbies. You've been very sloppy with the rules there, Paul, aren't you? Why don't you just explain it clearly and in an entertaining way? I'll be presenting

three items. Each one has a particular price. I'll be asking our guests to choose the price. No, choose the price. Choose the price? Would you like me to do it?

I'll pay nothing. I'll choose the price. I'll pay for the context of the show. Yeah, let Biffo do it because you are just as shit so let's go on it's basically

the price is right but we shit things how many points do you get if you guess the price within 25p one point and if you get it

spot on the nose it is spot on the nose good I like it spoil on the bum spot on the nose it is two points

between has spoken so hopefully one of you will go home victorious and take away all these Bobby's snacks today

for these are the prizes oh delicious it's a fucking prizes show Bradley Bradley right item number one

is this Eli would you like to explain what it is he's handing me an item it's mint on card it's not mint on card Mark

Mark oh damn it here we go again tiger damn it tiger it's on card

yeah it's on card but it's not mint so it's mint on card it's not mint it is far from mint this is a one trip grip bullet points shopping bags

bullet points dry cleaning bullet points buckets and pails I don't understand anything of what you're saying yeah what is that grip. Bullet points. Shopping bags. Bullet points. Dry cleaning. Bullet points. Buckets and pails. I don't understand anything of what you're saying. Yeah, what is that? I'll try again, shall I? This is mint on card item, Paul. Please stop saying mint on card.

Mint on card! Mint on card! Stop saying mint on card. I'll just punch you. Why? Constant violence. Constant threat. Constant threat of attack. Do you know what I mean? This is like one of those things where there's tension in the zone. You know what I mean?

It's like... Tension in the zone. Oh, I've got a bit of tension in the zone. Excuse me, doctor. I've got a bit of tension in the zone. You know what I mean, though? Where there's like a... Did you just sing Top Gun?

Yeah. Oh, sorry. I was about to do the same thing. Was there a song for Top Gun? Yeah, Danger Zone by... Gonna take you right into Gun? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I was about to do the same thing. Was there a song for Top Gun? Yeah, Danger Zone by... Gonna take you right into the tension zone. Oh, you're a maverick. Sitting on top of the bay.

Tone me down, maverick. Sitting on the dock of the bay, not the top of the bay. I've got a video game going. Ladies and gentlemen, I thought Untitled Goose Game was a sequel to Top Gun. You've already alienated yourself from the gaming community.

Have you heard of that game? Have you heard of that phone game? It's Crossy Roadie. What's it called? What? Chicken Crossy Roadie. No, it is called something like that. Yeah, yeah.

Crossy Road. Yeah. Right. It's shit, isn't it? Quite addictive. I thought there was going to be a punchline coming, but... No. Would you play it?

I played it briefly. Yeah, I will say that I did play it. Because you're trying to better your score, aren't you? It's those things. I'll cross that road. One trip grip. Bullet point. Shopping bags.

Bullet point. Dry cleaning. Bullet point. Buckets and pails. Look, I'll show them. It's a big plastic... Comfortable soft grip handle. Try me. There you go'll show them. It's a big plastic handle. Comfortable, soft grip handle. Try me.

There you go. But I don't know what's going on. So you put all your shopping bags on that one piece? Yes. I'd do that anyway. It's a big plastic handle that you hook your shopping bags on and carry. I like that actually. It's not a bad little thing though.

It's got good cushions, rubber grip. I do the thing where I... Ergonomically, with the little... Notches. Notches. Notches for the hands. We've all had that. We're just notches.

You just said that. We've all had... So did I. You both just said that. Thank you very much. You both should be proud of it. I've had that experience. We've all had that experience.

I remember my nan's fingers. That sounds creepy. I remember my nan's fingers. That sounds creepy. I remember my nan's fingers. Magic hands she had. What do you remember about them? Well, look at you. What's up? Are you alright, Paul?

It went down the wrong hole. What? Biffo's nan's fingers? Not there, man! I don't know why you're northern. Yeah, she was. I'm fine, ladies and gentlemen, I'm fine. You put your finger in me. What was it about your nan's fingers?

Well, like the bags cutting into them. I remember seeing the marks on the... Yeah, because she didn't have one of these. One trick bit. Mark, mark. No. That's seen on TV. It's difficult as

well when old ladies' fingers. Yeah, because they don't spring back. It wouldn't spring back. She'd just have

like notched fingers. And that's what I remembered. The ridges, the canyons. It says as seen on TV in some

countries. You'd expect it to be in some countries. I saw this in Iran. In no countries. Give it to these to have a look at so they can evaluate.

They'll be looking at the price. I mean, it's a cheap piece of... It's quite grubby as well. It's been about... Mint on... It's still mint on corn, but it's been about a bit. Some nan's already had her fingers on it.

I think he's... A nan's not going to get that kind of grip with a... That's the trouble with that. I don't think it's necessarily for grannies. Lube my get a grip. You'd have to use some sort of silicon lube. Lube my one-trip grip. You're alright over there.

That would most benefit a man, but you're going to need strong fingers. Or it might just be a mother with a big family. It says it can hold 50 pounds capacity, but the thing is... it can hold 50 pounds capacity. But the thing is... Can you lift 50 pounds? You couldn't lift it.

You couldn't physically lift it. It might be a big burly lifter. 22 kg. Kilograms. Oh, I've got the whole scenario. I've got the whole scenario. Oh, I'm an out-of-work strongman. I'm watching the telly.

What's that? That will solve my shopping issues, and I can easily lift 50 pounds. Streetchuff.com. Streetchuff? Chuff. Streetchuff is something else. Yeah, that's something else.

I went down the shop the other day, and I got a half pound of streetchuff. And it was right chubby streetchuff. Chubby muff. Sounds like I'm going to have that. Chubby muff. You're struggling with street chuff. Right, we need a price then.

We need a price for those. Yes, what do you think? Was it second hand, Paul? Yes, it was. I can't remember what do you think was it a second hand yes it was I can't remember what the charity shop was though now because I got it

a few weeks ago what did one of those go for new probably about three quid I reckon £7.99 that kind of thing

£7.99 £7.99 that much that's two quid what's their budget overall for these I think I spent like no more than like a five a full stop

on all of us okay I say you got that for a quid yeah quid quid right I say you got that for a quid. Yeah, quid. Quid. Right, okay, so you're saying quid. Quid, Dunk.

All right, fine, fair enough. Next item. Is it a piss ant? Oh, I'm a little piss ant. You know what I like? Cooling up streams of piss. Doesn't matter if the cow's still there. What?

Cow? I'll be sniffing. Well, the cow is pissed Oh, yeah Well, thank you for coming in for the audition, Mr Silverman We don't think you're quite right for the role Oh, look, these look good I'm going to give them to Ash and Biffo to have a look at

This is two items, but it's one price Investigate Oh, you can look at that one, Ash It's a cassette? Yeah, a cassette Laugh along with Benny Hill Yeah I'll be the judge of that

This is all his early stuff actually I checked up online because you can't find this audio on YouTube for example so I looked it up and it's all songs taken from his early BBC show And that was quite different in tone to his later work It's 25 minute long if you judge by the Yeah, well it's 25 minutes

each side isn't it? No, that'd be 50 minutes Wait, how long? 25 minutes each side? Yeah, that, it's 25 minutes each side, isn't it? No, that'd be 50 minutes. Wait, how long? 25 minutes each side? Yeah, that'd be... Shut up! Basic maths with Paul. There's no such thing as basic maths with Paul. But yeah, all the songs are taken from his early 60s BBC comedy show.

This is made by Ditto, two cassette pack. Yeah. One of those songs is a Bob Dylan pastiche. In the papers, yes. I had Jasper Carrot's... Carrot's Lib. Is it true that Jasper Carrot invented Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Salador did.

His company did. His company did. And he's the father of that Otto face out of The Office, isn't he? Ricky Gervais? Yeah. He's the father of Ricky Gervais. No, he's the father of the woman who was in it, who plays the secretary, isn't he? Yeah, Dawn.

Dawn. I owned this cassette. Which one? Carrot's Lib. Carrot's Lib when I was a child. No, he's the father of the woman who was in it, who plays the secretary, isn't it? Yeah, Dawn or Lucy. I owned this cassette. Which one? Carrot's Lib? Carrot's Lib when I was a child. Did you? And I used to listen to it. What was your favourite track? There was the diet bit.

Dieting, yeah. It goes about the F-Plan. The F-Plan diet. And then there's this. This, right? This is the F-Plan diet. This book is a bestseller. It's another new diet but there is a, it's got a twist. It's a whole concept and it's, well the concept of the F Plan Diet is that there's so much roughage in the food that they tell you to eat,

it's hardly got the time to do anything to you before, like, it's out. You might just as well get your dinner and flush it down the bar. Here's some of the recommended meals they insist you eat, right? Poached egg with baked beans. Baked beans on toast. Bacon and baked beans. Fish fingers and baked beans.

Baked bean nest. Baked beans with cheese. Baked beans au gratin. Curried drumstick with curried beans. Baked beans with mushrooms. Curried beans in pitta pocket chilli beef and beans

frankfurter bean baked corned beef with baked beans no wonder they call it the F plan and he goes

the F plan diet because you eat loads of cabbage and it's the F plan oh so you fart fart and that was

the kind of level he was on imagine being a stand up in the 80s I know You would have swept up Genuinely Swept up all the cash Yeah

I think that's what that I think that's what that was referring to Cleaned up There's a track on a test tube Parents And one called Changing Tyres Oh and Tony Benn Which is the hot satire

of the time. I bet you found that funny as a kid, didn't you? I did not know who Tony Benn was. Tony Benn is not fit to run the country. Is that a child me? Is that a child me? I mean, I changed my laptop. Tony Benn, was he a labourer? Yeah. So why was he fit to run the country

back then? They would have been all over. I don't know. It was just a thing. Jasper Carrow wasn't a Tory, was he fit to run the country back then they would have been all over I don't know it was just a thing Jasper Carrick wasn't a story was he I didn't get that vibe from him now he's sold

the rights to what's been in there for 300 million Carrick's Lip was a live Saturday night comedy show

Jasper Carrick did with inserts so it was satirical so it must have taken on some of the stories of the time do you remember

one of the big famous bits was about how when you finish washing up and you let the water out there's always a teaspoon no that was a huge bit of material

but if you thought of the equivalent thing now be it a sock there's always a sock yeah imagine thinking bear in mind this guy was on TV

are you workshopping some stand up up right now kind of the opposite of that if I thought if that hadn't been said and I was at home and I went

why is there always a spoon left and I went I'm going to try that on stage and they were always a spoon left and people go

fuck off boom I know it's like why there's a spoon left because you're doing the washing up and there's I don't get it

and they're small the small stuff talk about the airport food right airport food and there's, you know, I don't get it. Yeah, and they're small. Yeah, of course. Hey, hey, the small stuff's... Talk about the airport food, right? The airport food. Airport food. Airplane food. I'll tell you what he did.

Magic roundabout. Airport food like mac and mums or something. Yeah, not listening to us. We're just having our own conversation. Yeah, go on. What about a magic roundabout?

Jasper Carrot's magic roundabout. You remember that? Yes. That routine. Yes. What was that? What did he say about the... It's about being stuck

in the roundabouts in Kemmel Hempstead. No, he did a whole episode. It was a B-side. It was a B-side of Funky Moped. Yes, that's where I know it from. Yeah, and it had swearing in it. It was like, oh, piss off, Zebedee.

Yeah. So both of these cassettes feature... Oh, it was about the Magic Roundabout. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It wasn't like an observational bit about being stuck in traffic. No, no, it was him doing a funny episode

of Magic Roundabout with swearing in it yeah he had a good way with the word pillock didn't he yeah my favourite bit of his stand up

might have been him hunting the mole that's quite a famous bit of stand up where he's trying to get a mole in his garden and he tries different ways he goes oh moley

and he's shotgunning it's all hell isn't it funny that we all remember bits of his routine I couldn't tell you anything from any stand up that's on TV now no because they have to churn through it so much don't they He goes, oh, moly! And a shotgun and it's all here. Isn't it funny that we all remember bits of his routine? I couldn't tell you anything from any stand-up that's on TV now. No, because they have to churn through it so much, don't they?

There were only about five stand-ups back in the 70s and 80s, you see. Dave Allen and... Also, Jasper Carrick did love to do that insurance form section in his stand-up. He goes, I saw the kindly face of an old gentleman as it bounced off the bonnet of my car. Would we have seen that repeated over and over different shows, same routine?

Maybe. Because I remember that. So I think we had quite a lot. just watch it at the same time. Yeah, he had quite a large repertoire though and a lot of comedy albums

as well. Yeah, but I didn't have comedy albums. So would I have just seen him do that routine? Because imagine that again. Imagine seeing a comedian doing it again and again and again. You go go you've seen it yeah well that's the interesting

thing about Benny Hill is that for all his reputation he got in the 80s of the dirty old man thing his BBC show was satirical and had some interesting characters and songs and then because he got lazy he would recycle characters and sketches over and over so the sketches he was doing then turned up in 1989's version of the show, but cruder. And the fashion editor tells us that the necklines are getting real bold. They're wearing the new religious look. It's sort of low and behold.

Now the necklines are getting lower and the skirts go up each week. I don't know where it's all leading, but I'd like to be there when they meet I know it's true I know it's right It's in the papers Black and white

Now a nervous new rent collector Got the wind up the very first day He said, boss, there's a man at the building With a bitch for it firing my way His boss said, boss, there's a man at the building with a pitchfork firing my way. His boss said, but all of my tenants are very high class and well bred. He was probably holding a pitchfork because he'd been

making the pitchfork. I know it's true. I know it's true. I know it's right. I know it's right. It's in the papers. It's in the papers. Black and white. So he's Benny Hill's an introvert. And I'd say there's a lot of good stuff on that cassette. I think he was a great physical sort of clown and some of those silent ones

that don't have the large-breasted women in are good. I found his face annoying. Even as a kid, I found Benny Hill's face. You know, he'd do that turn to camera and do a kind of... I always had a real problem with spectacles. I always, even as a kid, I found Benny Hill's face. You know, you do that turn to camera and do a kind of... Yeah. I always had a real problem with spectacles.

You know, like round glasses. I genuinely had a weird... What, general? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Benny Hill's. No, but he did it. Anyone with spectacles, you found frightening.

I found it very, very uncomfortable. Anyone with spectacles. Why? I don't know. Because it's like fetish makes the eye into a vagina. What? It's like... into a vagina. What? It's like...

Vagina. Here's an interesting thing. Whenever someone says to you they've got an allergy or a fear or something, you then go, it's because vagina, right? Because you say that about my fish thing. So what I'm thinking is, your fish thing, because I can't eat fish, he goes... He's allergic, finger quotes.

Because of vaginas. Yeah. I'm beginning to wonder if it's you who has a thing with vaginas and you put that thing onto others to see how they react. Vagina dentata.

Vagina dentata, such a wonderful word. See, I was going to say that was their best album of the 80s. It wasn't as good as Toya Wilcox, though.

I say vagina, you say dentata. Vagina. Dentata. Vagina. Dentata. Let's have the whole lot spoffed.

Let's gnaw the whole thing off Right Next one Alright Next item Alright Come on then We haven't priced this up yet Go on

Price it up then How much do you think it was 50p 50p How much do you think Yeah 50p I'd say

Maybe they were 25p each Oh Oh I meant 50p the pair 50p the pair Yeah We can't all agree. This is very difficult. I'll go 49p.

Oh, 60p the pair. 49p the pair. Great, okay. 60p. 49p the pair. Last item, which is... He's lost it.

I don't know. It's in there. No, it's in the... Hang on. No, it's not. It's up there. What's this? This isn't my item. That's a... This the... Hang on. No, it's not. It's up there. What's this? This isn't my item.

That's a... This is a blank desk. Why don't you... Desk, not desk. It's a blank desk. Hey, everyone, let's just start with a blank desk. What is this? Would you...

I think you should explain that to maybe us. What? I just... I'm not sure this is a good idea actually there should be around here somewhere I've been having

second thoughts a little board game really I think we need to do we just leave it at two items no no where have you put

the board game and what's this because you've obviously done this don't worry about the board game just leave it at two items Paul do you know

what's on it no I don't know what's on it what is this I don't think we should be doing this now Paul I think you should I'm not sure Eli let's just leave it

I know I think this needs to be alright well then where's the board game discussed because it's something that the board don't worry about the board game yeah

yeah so what is this put it in put the disc in the laptop you know what it is I don't know what the laptop fine Paul you don't have to it's. Let's all see what it is. I don't know what the lap... Fine.

You don't have to... It's fine. I want to see this. I'm interested to see what it is. We want to clear it up. We need to clear this up. Hang on. I hope it's cleared up.

Oh, God. I hope this has been cleared up. Shut up. I want to see what it is. Is it this? It's got one filing. What is this? this. But there are other sexual proclivities that are just as strange as Ian's. This is Paul, and he's agreed to speak to us about his own strange kink. Born in the northwest of England,

Paul now resides in Bournemouth, where he works as a video games journalist. For him, his unusual attraction began only a few years ago. Yeah, it was a few years into my life at university, and it was just a weird night. I was just coming out of a relationship. I was drinking. relationship I was drinking and one day when I was just stoned I was flicking through the TV channels and Rosie and Jim came on and I don't know what it was but I found myself really attracted to those puppets so I touched myself and then it kind of went from there really I just found that I was attracted and turned on by puppets and things like that

I don't know where it came from all I know is that it's been it's been a big part of my sexual activity in life lately and I really enjoy it I don't really see the problem. Although agglomatophilia specifically refers to a sexual attraction to dolls or mannequins,

Paul's desire of hand puppets at least allows him a lot of variety. Oh, I've got no end of choice really with the things I like. Ed the Duck, Gordon the Gopher, Orville, sometimes Roland Ratt, but it's usually more Errol. I really don't mind. It depends on my mood on the day, you know. Sometimes it could be Sutty and Sweep, sometimes it could be, oh, I don't know, Punch and Judy. You know what I mean? doesn't uh it it all depends on how i'm feeling that day but uh yeah no i i am almost spoiled for choice when it comes to getting off on hand puppets um you know just a little bit of imagination goes a long way with um these kind of things and uh soty especially is a proper dirty old boy. What does his fiancee think? Oh well I've not actually

told my fiancee about this it's never really come up and usually when I'm neck deep in a muppet she's out the house or at work so I I don't think she needs to know, really, at the end of the day, because it doesn't affect our lovemaking at all. She does find it funny sometimes when I ask her to say, Izzy, Wizzy, let's get busy. But I'm pretty sure she takes it as a joke and not, and really doesn't hint at what I get up to. Paul swears his addiction to sex with hand puppets doesn't get in the way of his life or relationship,

but by looking into his sad, desperate eyes, we can't help but feel he doesn't have much of a life, and possibly not much of a relationship to begin with. Paul is currently trying to get his hands on a screen-used 1984 sooty puppet. I mean, if I can get that, that would be great. That would be wonderful. But at the moment, it's just a dream. It's just a dream. Where did you get this from? Was that literally... No, where did you get this from?

Was that literally No where did you get this from? I don't think that's the question Shut up Yeah it did What? Seriously It doesn't have to come out Paul Where did you get this?

I don't want to know So it is you who fucking done this What do you think it's funny? It's you who've done this What do you mean me doing this? Are you pulling a string of sausages out of your arse? No, I'm not It was some...

That is what you're doing No, shut up, let me tell you what happened You're getting Mrs Punch to pull a string of sausages out of your arse I don't think we should kink shame, Paul I think it needs to come out You know what, I used to like sooty, Paul After I've seen that, I've seen... You think this is funny?

Is this what you thought this would be a good way to end the 150? Sooty going down. By embarrassing me like this. I can't have this go out. I write for children's TV. It's made me reconsider performing fat sow. It's not going to go out, is it? I can't.

It's not going to go out, is it? I can't be associated with you being a puppet perv. If I perform fat sow and then you do the oinkment bit where you rub oinkment on. Yeah, is this Paul's? Are you actually getting off, Paul? What happened was? No, it's actually quite disturbing. No, what happened?

Let me fucking talk. Well, I feel like I'm... Let me fucking talk. I did this just after coming out of university. That's what Sweep said. Sweep said let me talk. You gagged him. Yeah, you gagged him with your metus.

I was coming out of university A friend was making A documentary He said We do me a favour And just pretend To have this thing It didn't look like that

You acted really well I've never seen you Act like that You need to get rid Of all copies of this Think as well It's not going to get out It's a digitiser

What was one of those You think about that Where did you get this from A goblin Who gave you this footage You were boffing yourself Off of a goblin Were you getting goblined by a goblin?

So you've seen the whole thing? You were pushing a boglin up your butt. You've seen the whole thing. You think it's funny? It's disturbing. You think it's funny that I caved in Sweep's face? It's disturbing to me. Look, the point is I was out to do it.

So you still feel these feelings? No, no, I don't have these feelings. It was something I worked out and it was just for the documentary. Oh, you worked it out. You just lied to me. It's not real. You said it was something you were putting on. It was something I worked out. To was just for the documentary it's not real you just lied to me it's not real you said it was something you were

putting on it was something I just did to help a mate out what do you do now it was not meant to go out it wasn't going

to be released it was a documentary thing who was that as the official third member of Cheap Show here

the official third don't fucking start rubbing that off right now rubbing that off shut up I beg your pardon

that's not what I do in my capacity. With a sock puppet, you do one thing. Where did you get this from? This is not meant to be released. It's just a documentary film. A little birdie and not a puppet birdie. I want to know that.

Was it you? Was it one of these two? Not a big bird. You probably love big birdies. Don't you? There's one of these two. Rubby feathers. All rubby feathers.

One of these two. Dirty or the better. Oscar the Grouch. Don't worry about that, Paul. Don't worry about that, don't worry about that Paul we want an explanation it doesn't matter where he got it Paul

it's and all of the did one of these to help you did you know about this did you both know that this was going to happen look at his fucking face

shut it I'm just saying how fucking dare you do this Paul I think how dare you do this I think everyone needs to know about this for 150 episodes

I've kept this show going you've done copious amounts of fuck all but you fuck puppets puppets How dare you do this? I think everyone needs to know about this. For 150 episodes, I've kept this show going. You've done copious amounts of fuck all. But you fuck puppets. Puppets. Smurfing. It's not called smurfing. It's not called sweeping.

It's not called having a punch. It's nothing like that. What is it? Why is that? You're literally, I can see they've blurred it out on the documentary. But look, you're pulling a string of sausages out of your ass.'s operating whilst mr crocodile is chomping on your nog nogs you know what fuck off that's not the way to do it no you know what fuck off paul we need come back we all make mistakes Paul We've all made mistakes

We've all If you're going Can I take over on Cheap Show for you We'll do Cheap Show Mate we've all rimmed Gordon the Gopher Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce myself As the new regular host of cheap show

with all fingered Otis the Aardvark what about when we were doing like the Orville episode you were getting off on that weren't you Orville

I wish I could fly right into your arsehole it's gone well so it all went down it was so awkward I hate that trick it's gone well so it all went down it was so awkward in the room Ash actually took me

took me aside and said is this an opportunity for us to branch out on our own and just drop Paul from the Cheap Show brand altogether, maybe have a wrangle in court about it but you know it's a big enough brand. And, you know, he has been...

Anyway, the fallout is Paul. I didn't think Paul would react that way. I thought Paul would laugh it off. You know, he talks about spunking and pooing, eating poo. But it touched a real raw nerve with him, because it's something real. It's something really deep-seated, or deep-hand in back of puppeted. So no, it really embarrassed him, and I don't think he can... It's behind the mask. It's behind the animatronic mask with a person operating it. And it just makes you think, if he likes hand puppets,

he must be into those full-size ones as well. And, like, what happens when he goes and sees, you know, Disney on Ice or something like that? He must cum in his pants all the time. All the time, cum in his pants. I didn't know he was a puppet fucker. I mean, it doesn't surprise me. Yeah,

I mean, he took it a bit too far with Sooty's box. Yeah, I mean, the whole God Hold an Emu thing

was just bizarre. Watching him rear end a lifeless floppy emu puppet is something

that I'll take to my grave. Watching the video, I'm totally behind Eli allowing that video to air because, you know, what Paul's done is disgusting. And we're helping him. I think that's the key thing. We're exposing this to get him

to get help my priority here is protecting the digitiser brand and it's associated IPs I just hope Paul sees fit to not put this episode out and

that you know when he listens to this he'll agree to delete the files altogether yeah it was mad i stormed out i wasn't going to come back but i had my keys and everything in the bag and i had to pack up so it was a bit awkward afterwards but i had to go outside and deal with shit every every every week i embarrass myself and i shame myself and i lower myself to the standards of an oink for what for what hey just so he can embarrass me just because i put my penis a few times up a puppet just just because every now and then i would rub my dripping cock across the nose of punch and say that's the way to do it yeah because every now and then, I would rub my dripping cock across the nose of Punch and say that's the way to do it.

Yeah, because every now and then I would stick it up sweep. Yeah, I put my cock in land chop. Every now and then I'd josh off online to episodes of Sesame Street. All right, I can't help it. Just because I may enjoy watching old clips of going live on YouTube and pulling my cock to Gordon the Gopher, eh? Or imagining emptying my load into Ed the Duck's beak, yeah? Just because I do that every now and then, a few years ago, just because every now and then I imagine being in a spit roast with Zig and Zag, you know?

I've got wants, I've You know? I've got wants. I've got needs. I've got things I adore. And I adore being fisted by Nookie the Bear. And Eli embarrassed me in front of my audience, in front of my friends. So you're going to laugh at me now, aren't you? Oh, laughing at Paul. Laughing at Paul.

You know, I always knew he was a pervert. So, it's sort of a reset here so we'll just see where Cheap Show goes from here maybe it'll just be myself and Ash if he can't return if he can't put this behind him Cheap Show

will endure, Paul just needs to reset his proclivities I hope I get to come back as the official third member next time. So yeah, am I angry? Yes, I'm angry. And I don't know how I feel about Cheap Show. I guess we'll see what happens in the Halloween episode, right? Right, I'm done with this. Following the recording of this episode,

Mr Biffo went into production on Pudsey vs Fat Sow, the movie. Ash Frith is currently supporting comedian Don Fist and his naughty pup on tour. Paul Gannon continues to cry alone. Eli was replaced in Ashen's and the Polybius heist by Jack Whitehall using state-of-the-art computer technology. Jack Whitehall's character is voiced by David Walliams. Williams. Thank you.