CheapShow - Ep 151: Mostly Unhaunted

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

It's that spooky time of the year again and Eli has promised he would spend one night in a haunted house with Paul... And a large group of ghost hunters. Join Paul and Eli for a night of supernatural enquiry and working out a lot of Eli's childhood trauma. Will they capture a ghost? Will they see or hear anything terrifying? Will Eli be a grumpy bastard all night long? Sadly, only one of those questions will receive the answer "Yes". It's an epic episode as the cheap chaps head to Avenue House in North London and attempt to tackle the world of the paranormal. With thanks to Twilight Ghost Hunts for allowing us to take part in one of their events. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-151-mostly-unhaunted If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Oh, it's that time of year again, sweet Cheap Show listener, where Eli and my good self try and deliver something horrific for your Halloween pleasures. However, this year I need to do an intro because, as you're about to hear, me and Eli go on a ghost hunt this year and when I started editing the podcast weird things happened. So basically I would put the audio in and find that all the audio we recorded inside Avenue House had big chunks of audio missing like a 17 minute track and like minutes of it are completely silent, and then it kicks back in again. Don't know why.

Hasn't missed much, but it does mean I've had to cut around the gaps where me and Eli were talking about something, and now that stuff's gone forever. Also for time, vigils and things are cut down considerably, because no one really wants to hear a seven-hour podcast about people sitting in the dark asking ghosts to step forward. So, with all that said, I hope you enjoy this year's Halloween. It's an interesting one but if you ever watched Most Haunted and thought oh it must be exciting doing Most Haunted well then this is the episode to prove that wrong. Enjoy. Welcome, dear listener.

What's the date? What is the date? I don't know. 27th? 6th? Shit. 26th. 26th! I told you! I told you! It's the 26th. It's the 26th, I told you. I told you, it's the 26th. Good evening, dear listener, and welcome to the Cheap Show. Don't do that. Don't pull the sound out and make the noise.

I've got to do another intro now. Do you know how professional that sounds? Not very. Well, start again and don't include this bit then. I'm tiring of you already. Honestly, Paul. I'm excited, ladies and gentlemen. I'm very excited because tonight, dear listener, for our Halloween special on this Saturday, the 26th of October 2019, Eli and I will be doing a genuine paranormal investigation. Can I say I'm just ready?

I've packed stuff. Ready to do it. What have you packed? Well, you know. No, I don't. That's why I asked the question. I've packed Paul. Yeah.

You've packed Paul? No. Ask me the fucking mic, Paul. I've packed my Kindle, my phone, a jumper. Is there anything else I'm missing? Because you, I have to defer to you as the... You're the expert, I'm just going along. Will I be scared?

Will I be convinced of the supernatural tonight, Paul? We can only hope, ladies and gentlemen, can't we? Are you hoping to convince me of the existence of the supernatural? No, all I want to do is give you the experience I've had on many occasions at haunted locations across the UK. And what's that? Wanking by yourself whilst the thrill of other people walking around an empty building? That's a very small part of what I enjoy about it. It's a very small part. Do you enjoy it? No, but seriously, Paul, now, you're not a believer and you've never been convinced of anything.

I've heard unusual things and seen unusual stuff, but nothing that would go as far as to convince me of the supernatural i think that's a valid place to be all right so what do you get out of them then you might i might see a ghost but you never have and you've never been convinced by anything you see what i mean i'm trying to sort of uncover a kind of uh you know what it is? It's like you. I treat ghost hunting like you. A fucking mystery I need to get to the bottom of. I don't believe in you. Shut up, you're a dick. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to...

Shut up. I've got shoes on. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... We're in my house. We're in my house, Paul. Yeah? Welcome to, ladies and gentlemen, the Cheap Show Halloween Special 2019. Ooh!

Can I ask you something? What? I was just going to go into the music then. Can I ask you something, though? What kind of shoes should I wear? Those are fine. Shrug. Shrug doesn't get picked up. Shrugs don't get picked up by the mic, Paul. We're in a nice house. We're going to Avenue House, right? So I presume it's not going to be wet or cold or anything it'll be chilly but you won't have to worry about walking in puddles or dirt all night do you have night vision goggles there

will maybe night vision goggles there may be i can't say it's a different group i'll go into more details about what we're doing on the journey but for now let's shut up tell them what buses we're getting. No. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get two buses up there. One of which is the 263, I believe. You're so excited by absolute inanity. Can I just say as well, yeah,

I'm actually more excited about getting the bus than arriving at this place. Great. What a great start to the evening. I'm excited. Ladies and gentlemen, join us for the cheap show Halloween Ghost Hunt. Right, I do have something for you though. Oh. I got you a torch, because there's going to be no lights on. A nice little pen torch there.

Yeah. I've got extra batteries for it, should need be. I bet they'll kick from Wilco. And I've got one. Oh. Does yours work? Yours doesn't be. I've got a little kit from Wilco. And I've got one. Oh. Does yours work? Yours doesn't work. I might have to replace the batteries, but that's okay, because Paul Gannon bought batteries. He's quite powerful, though. Reasonable.

They're going to be powerful enough for the night. Nice action. Nice action on it. It only cost me £2. All right, then. I'm ready. So, I will say it's... You could whack someone. I mean, you could, but why would you ever need to whack someone?

They attacked you in the dark or something, or someone tried to murder us tonight, Paul. That's what I'm talking about. I think you're quite safe. I don't think you are... How do you know? Do you have a list of who's going to be attending? I don't.

No. How do you know someone's not going to try and murder us in some bizarre crime? Because that sounds like we're about to drop a plot into this episode, and we're not. Yeah, because we know what happens when you drop a plot. People take it too seriously and think,

oh, I don't fuck puppets. Oh, I don't fuck puppets. We're still friends. You're going to tell them that? We're all still friends. It's just make-believe, you fucking cunts. Don't call the listenership...

And I'm ill. He's ill. I'm ill. I am genuinely ill. I think I've got exhaustion and I've got a cough and phlegm and I've got shakes. Yeah phlegm and I've got shakes yeah so

let's not take just take it easy tonight I'll deal with all the heavy lifting in terms of presenting it introducing the themes of the show tonight maybe we need some talk about other stuff

that just go usually is in the show like noodles on the way or buses oh god it's going to be our worst Halloween special isn't it

because there's a good chance nothing will happen tonight we're not like most haunted where there'll be banging or buses. Oh God, it's going to be our worst Halloween special, isn't it? Because there's a good chance nothing will happen tonight. We're not like Most Haunted, where there'll be banging, and screams, and stones being thrown all the time. It'll probably be quite sedate. A lot of people talking in the dark,

asking for voices, a Ouija board. We might have to do lone vigils. I'm going to do a lone vigil. I want to do a lone vigil, and I want you to direct me to the most supernaturally active part of the building. Do you think you could do that for me, Paul? If I remember rightly, there are two places we can go,

and if you get the time, you might get some alone time there. One, there's a torrent bedroom where a boy is meant to haunt. I need some alone time in the haunt. If I catch you wanking at the venue, I'll watch it. Oh, that's disgusting. Will you watch it on your night vision goggles?

Yeah, I'm going to be sick. Paul, you need to have a little rest, man. How rude. Right, I've got all the equipment we need. We don't need much. Hopefully, we'll be given equipment while we're there. We'll be given some equipment? Like night vision goggles, hopefully.

What if it's got people's pieces of skin on? What are you imagining? I'm imagining a filthy pair of night vision goggles with some old cunt's skin on it. All hanging off, all a bit wet on the side. All hanging off! Right, well, that's enough of this introduction. No, I know!

It never will be enough! Why is it flashing? Because you're shouting really loudly close to the mic. We're setting off from my home. On what buses, Eli, since that's the only thing that fucking engages you today? I forgot which ones. Two buses. Two.

I know there's two. We go up there and then... Up round there. Come round here. Up round there. Right. Yeah. Are you ready to go? Love it. Oh, God. We're on the way. up there up round there come round here up round there right yeah are you ready to go

we love it we're on the way we'll get the buses and we're on our way I'm all packed and ready to go I've got torches I've got my phone

I've got charge I've got extra battery I've got my power pack with me I'm having a cup of cold coffee he's having a cup of cold coffee

see it's all happening ladies and gentlemen. We're about to go on a ghost hunt in Finchley at a new called Avenue House. And we're going to be there till the early morning. And I might be sick. I'm really feeling... But no, it's going to be fun. It generally is going to be a fun night. You need to take some painkillers now, mate. That's a good point. Right, I'm going to be fun It generally is going to be a fun night

You need to take some painkillers now, mate That's a good point Right, I'm going to take some painkillers And we're going to get off on the road On a dark and stormy night It's raining It's a dark and stormy night Right, bye everyone

Looking forward to it See you on the road Okay, Paul We've done one bus That was the 29 it's not my favorite bus although it is very useful what would you say about that it's one of those lifeline buses isn't it it's one of those ones that gets you made to the beef in the middle of london i don't know about you but i find when i get on the 29 especially around here yeah um people have a real propensity to not want to go upstairs and so the whole front of the bus gets jammed with moody people

who tuck when you... They're standing in the way, man. They should just go upstairs. And you get up there and the whole fucking bus is empty. It's empty. The top deck is empty. And what bus will we be getting now? Well, welcome to this week's episode of Bus Watch with Eli Silverman.

How exciting. There's been haunted buses? Yeah. Wow. Name one. There's a haunted bus of Penn's Ants. That might be your weakest effort to date, Mr Silverman. It's certainly up there.

So, yeah, we are at the bus stop waiting for the 232, which initially we just missed. In fact, with the traffic the way it is, we probably could have walked ahead and caught it at the next bus stop. It's right there. At this rate, we could outpace it. When's the next one? Oh, there's all beeping sounds in my ear. There must be some interference. Oh, two minutes ain't too bad.

It's all right. That's very good, isn't it? That's good for a bus to take that long, two minutes. It's only a small bus as well. It's not one of those big ones. It's a small bus. It's not jam-packed with oiks.

Yeah, because it is, you know, it's a Saturday night. It's very unlikely that a bus headed towards those suburbs will be full of people partying in the suburbs. So I'm hoping we're going to have quite a smooth and empty ride up to the venue, Paul. I wish I could have a smooth ride

up to the venue. Oh yeah? As in what? Pegging. Shut up. I don't know. That's your weakest fucking... It's always...

You're always weak. You're always weak on this podcast. I'm excited tonight, though. I'm doing a ghost hunt. You're in my world now, mate. Oh, I've lived in your filthy muck hole for years. Yes, but you need to... You're very unwell.

So? I'm going to fight through, mate. Don't you think if you're unwell, that could be a vulnerability to a ghost attaching itself to you? No, I'm not vulnerable because I've had a spell put over me tonight, protecting me. Basically, I spoke to which doctor, right?

You haven't. Shut up. We can all hear you making this up. And he asked me to take a lock of your hair. What was he called? What was he called? Witch Doctor Alan Babs. Alan Babs.

Really? Yeah. Alan Babs. So if I look this guy up... Well, no, because he's a magic witch doctor and he won't... Because he's a bust. Oh, Christ. Alan Babs is correct. Two, no, because he's a magic witch doctor and he won't... Oh, Christ. Alan Babs is correct.

Oh, my favourite of the turtles. Oh, so we're on the bus. He just heard us get on. Do you know what, Paul? I've realised I think this is one of the buses we got home from Brent Cross that time. When you went to that wonderful magic land with Asian food that you were so happy about. I was happy about that, yes.

It's the happiest I've ever seen you on Cheap Show there. Really? You were like Homer Simpson in Candyland. Eh. Great insight there from the King of Muck, Eli Silverman. Oh, shut up. So, let's just settle down into the journey. Relax.

Tonight's going to be a wonderful, magical night. And who knows, maybe... Oh, I wanted to ask you something about the supernatural, Paul. Because I'm going to defer to you as the expert on these matters throughout tonight. So, if there's a haunted house, yeah, and it has some... Is it my lavender pee? Real quick. Haunted house Paul, so it has a lot of energy, psychic energy?

Yeah potentially. If you believe in such things. If one was to take another, an object that had some, that was, had some also connection to the supernatural? Would it act as an amplifier for the energy, perhaps making the object you brought more powerful as a supernatural totem of some sort? There are theories that suggest you can amplify the supernatural with relics and things like that. No, but I'm asking about this place.

Does this have the energy to give something, an object, a boost of supernatural or evil power? No, it's not Amityville. Where if you buy a lamp from the house your house becomes haunted. Or if you buy a dollhouse from the house, your house gets haunted. Or if you buy a clock from the house, your house gets haunted. We're not talking about that, we're talking about bringing, potentially,

an item from outside. It sounds like you're talking about drugs. It's like, can I get stoned in here and get spooked out? Is that what you're saying? Now, let's just have an update on the bus situation here, Paul. Oh my god. Now, although it is extremely brightly lit, at this point

we are alone on the bus. Through busy Wood Lane, but it could change at the next stop. What Wood Lane? Could you stop calling it Wood Lane? It's not... Wood Tree. Fuck off! Wood Pike Manor. Shut up! It's called Wood Green and you know it. Look, the other thing I was going to mention before the bus came was that the witch dog, Alan Babs, he asked me to take a look at your hair.

Oh, yeah. And he says if I... Take a look at it and then say what? No, he said if I eat a lock of your hair... A lock? Lock my hair up? That's really lame as well. That's really lame. well that's really lame

I'm just riffing here don't, it's bad at it is there going to be booze there? no, the only spirits hopefully there will be the supernatural kind so I eat a lock of your hair and I'm protected from ghosts you eat a lock of my hair? no I've already done it

I have nothing to say to that. So, I am protected, but as a result, it makes you susceptible to the supernatural. In fact, you, Eli Silverman, may bring something back with you from the haunted house tonight,

should it be an active entity in an active haunted location. All right. I'm prepared, you know, I'm prepared to be convinced. I mean, my personal take on the supernatural is I've never...

Have you never had any supernatural experiences in your life at all? No. Which is fair enough. I had to go out of my way to find mine. I've been creeped out by places, by being in the dark and stuff, but I think everyone is, hasn't there? Yeah, that is true. Isn't there, Paul? There is, isn't there?

There is, isn't there? Well, we're going through Wood Green Shopping Centre and I'm realising that my slightly strained, sore throat is making my voice sound extra sexy tonight. No, it's not. It sounds unwell, mate. It's a sexy, supernatural show. It's the Halloween episode, so I'm talking about the macabre.

Can I just point out, if you look at those flats up there, there was a documentary a few years ago, if you remember, about a woman who was found in a flat dead after three years. In there? Yeah. It was up there. She mummified because, like, left the heating on or something. Not an old woman, no.

She was like a puddle of muck. I think she was a puddle. But it can't have been that bad, actually, because no one smelt it. That's what usually happens but this documentary filmmaker used that story as a way of exploring how people lead really weird and lonely lives

you could be this woman not an old woman, just this person and she had relationships and stuff but just life forgot her it was really eerie and depressing. It's kind of like what they say. That's what's really scary, isn't it?

Dying alone. Yeah, loneliness. Get used to that, mate. Fuck off. Just saying. It's more likely... Stop the thing. It's more likely, isn't it, that you'll die forgotten?

Isn't it? It's a competition about who gets to not die alone. Actually, it might be me first, judging by all this. Yeah, it might be you first, which I'd prefer. Obviously. Well, this has taken quite the turn, ladies and gentlemen. But just to reiterate, we are good friends. 150 was just larks and fun.

A little bit different. Something a little bit different, wasn't it? A little bit. And again, I need to stress, I don't fuck hand puppets. I shouldn't have to defend that. I shouldn't have to defend that. You shouldn't have to stress that. You shouldn't, no. So, you know. You're more of a sort of full-size animatronic. I'm a sex doll, man. Four working orifices. Do you want to know what they are?

Bumhole. Fanny hole. Grave. Extra bumhole. Ear. Mouth. Yeah, that's it. That's spot on. No, mouth. Great. Extra bum hole. Ear. Mouth. Yeah, that's it. That's spot on. No, mouth. No. Bum mouth. Do they have special bum attachment for the mouth?

Well, you've ruined that. Shall we just relax on the journey? And if anything comes to us, then we can... Stop elbowing me as well, please. No, honestly. Do stop. Oh, I'm in tinker mode tonight. I'm in tinker mode. Do you have a soft drink of any sort? We need... No. Well, we can probably find somewhere on the way. I'm in tinker mode tonight. I'm in tinker mode.

Do you have a soft drink of any sort? We need a soft drink. No. Well, we can probably find somewhere on the way. Do you know what? I'm parched. I'm very parched. But this bus goes the whole way.

Turn it off. No. Do what I want. I'm now deciding to turn it off. I'll tell you what. I don't like this bus. Why? I'm now deciding to turn it off. Tell you what. I don't like this bus. Why? I'm irritable.

I'm really irritable. He gave me a real dirty look when I got on the bus, for one. I agree. And now he's like, darling, darling. You know, it's like fucking announced you're on a diversion to the whole bus. There's only three of us. We weren't on the bus, though. He just ignored us and just asked her.

He doesn't care. He's in... It's all right. Hey, have you seen this, though? The bus has got USB chargers on it. Oh, that's modern, isn't it? Anyway, we're going to East End Road in Finchley on this route by diversion. Now, we're diverting.

He says it's round Bound Greenway. Yeah, which is just this area, isn't it? No, it's still a few... Streets away. Not streets, it's like a full... Anything else you want to fucking correct me on? Christ. Ding, ding.

We're off an hour away, apparently. Yes. Good. Good. Oh, he's going on. He's telling everyone. It's probably for the best, isn't it? It means it'll be empty the whole way, maybe.

Well, it's exciting for us. Now, let's get back to just not recording. Now, we're going to just keep on moving, because that's not normal behaviour from a man in the middle of nowhere, is it? Yeah, but we're not going that way you're heading up towards finchley road house looking at the tree stroking the tree though yeah weird like i thought he was maybe getting something out of the branch but no he's just stroking the branch and the leaves and letting them it's all a bit creepy around here, it has to be said.

Well, it's kind of like... It's like we say on the buses, like nowhere London we're. It's just the places that exist between the more popular areas. So it's houses and gyms. Very suburban. Yeah.

Do you want some information on Avenue House? Yeah. Avenue House at Stephen's House and Gardens is a large Victorian mansion grade 2 listed situated on East End Road in Finchley in the London Borough of Barnet so we're walking down East End Road now

here we are built in 1859 on land formerly known as Temple Croft Field it was acquired in 1874 by the ink magnate and philanthropist Henry Charles Stevens known as Inky what's that oh it's a branch oh god blah blah blah blah blah they improved the grounds why is it haunted we'll get into that

Spike Milligan statue oh can we see that Spike Milligan lived locally for many years up to his death in 2002 he was the first president ofigan lived locally for many years up to his death in 2002. He was the first president of the Finch Society. For a decade after his death the society led by Barbara Warren raised funds the Spike Milligan statue fund to commission a statue of Spike. This was cast in bronze and it's on the grounds it's in the stables block at Avenue House. I didn't know that. Maybe the ghost of Spike Milligan said. I didn't know that. Maybe the ghost of... It's quite melligan, sir. Ding ding ding!

Shall we see if we can see that? I don't know if we can get to him. I think we've reached the grounds, because this is a man... It looks like an old manor house wall here. Yeah, we're not too far away. This is the grounds. I'm sure this is the grounds on the other side of that wall. But what? Who? Who haunts here? Well, let's find out. Hang on.

Stable girl. Right, hang on. Flask Highgate. Stable girl, Paul? Stable girl? Shut up, you dirty, rotten scoundrel. No, come on. What? What's wrong with her? I don't know. There's nothing wrong with her. She's actually an amputee or something.

Stable girl! Please don't behave like this. What? I can't help them being me, Paul. I'm excited. We're in Finchley. It's a location, apparently, judging by one of these websites that says you have to keep your wits about you. Not to mention a strong nerve the cellar has enough shocks installed to for anyone brave enough to carry a vigil out in the area on their own not to mention the rooms that leave you wanting to run when things start to happen. Ghost Landing and Avenue House is a must for anyone who can endure the intense

activity there. The spirits that have been seen here really do their best to test your belief system. It's an active old mansion with much to offer anyone who dares to spend the night. So there you go. That's exciting,

isn't it? They'll probably go through it tonight, most likely. Because some of these groups have sidekicks and some don't. So I'll be interested to see if there's any sidekicks or not tonight. Because they often fill in the gaps and nothing happens, you know what I mean? Yeah, with bullshit. Yeah. Did you just fart?

No, that's not happening. That was windy. Get all your bad habits out of the way before we turn up. I'm not having you walk in there going, Stable girl! Paul, as if I'd do that in public. Don't. That's just for you. You just did that in public.

I'm in the middle of the street. You behave. that in public. I'm in the middle of the street. You behave, yeah? I am behaving. Considering my health, I'm doing very well. Still unnerved by that guy who was touching the tree. The tree stroker was straight after out of the horror script writer rule book, wasn't it? Yeah, I am. I am the tree stroker.

Oh. I must nurture the plants so they will do my bidding. Yeah. He did. He had strange matted grey hair as well, didn't he? And a grizzled face. That is, er... I don't know what that is. What is it? Some arches on this old church, is it?

That's creepy. I'll have to take a photo of that, Paul. I've never seen that before, nor do I know what it's for, because... Homewood Gardens. It looks like a folly of some sort. It's creepy, though. Look at that. If you saw a man peeking from behind the arches...

That would be genuinely scary, wouldn't it? I'm going to take a shot, and we can put it up on the... That is scary, isn't it? What if it was the tree stroker? If I saw the tree stroker if the tree's right if i saw the tree stroker in there now i'd be freaked out would you be freaked i would not be happy came into view from around the arch try and get some of the turret in it's hard yeah i know about that but try and take a picture

well i don't know about you but I'm feeling spooky right about now. Spooky little folly over there, isn't it? That must be Homewood Gardens. There's a lot of venues up around this part of London, aren't there? Old manor houses, old churchyards and things like that. Graveyards. It's hard to miss, so I wonder where it is. Oh, no, this is it, here.

On the right. Yeah, Stephens. It was in its grounds then, it looks like, wonder where it is Oh no this is it Here On the right Yeah Stephens It's grounds then It looks like Wasn't it Oh yeah That'll be it Do you want to have a Siggy break before we go in

Because we're probably Not going to have a chance To have a smoke Once we get in there Yeah I think we're a bit early anyway And I'm a bit spooked Because the tree stroker

And the folly Nine Just gone nine So we're on to I think we're on to... I think we're doing all right. Yeah, let's have a quick smoke then before we go in. Lovely.

Right, we've had our cigarette break and we're about to go in. How's it looking? We're outside, Paul, and as we've been here, just after we arrived, a group of people have arrived in a car and I can see them milling around in there now. One of them looks like they have a big Dracula collar on, and one of them has very red hair. I think the lady with the red hair runs it. She's been very kind to us and allowed us to do this recording tonight.

Why are you treating me like I'm going to go mad and try and do something? I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, for the listeners at home, Twilight Ghost Hunters allowed us to record our podcast tonight there. So fair play to her. But yeah, there's also the good chance that it might have been fancy dress tonight and I forgot until right now. Is that why that guy looks like Dracula?

I think so too. Well, what are we going to say? What's our excuse? What do we look like? Ghost bin men. We could say we're in cosplay of the popular comedy podcast Cheap Show. Yeah, that's going to... And then about 40 people say,

What the fuck? Luckily, I've got my Ghostbuster shirt on, so that's all right. Can we get serious for a second here? That thing that we passed, the folly, the creepy folly, looks to be in the grounds. It's quite an extensive grounds. It is a grand building, isn't it? What are you hoping as in terms of a supernatural result tonight?

If we can get some voices recorded or knocking or taps and things we can't explain, and we can actually record that, that would be great. And I got that gunfire sound when I was in that fort once, Fort Widley. Oh, I didn't know about that, but I know about that. Oh, yeah, the singing voice. Yeah, I think we put that on a Halloween or two. Yeah, we put that on a Halloween or so ago, I believe, that one. Right, well, again, get it all out your system.

Can we not? Now, listen, Paul, no, in all seriousness now, I want to take this to the... You get off me! Serious level, I want to take this to the serious level now. Seriousness now. I want to take this to the... You get off me! Serious level. I want to take this to the serious level now.

I'm hoping there are some kind of haunted mongoose or, you know, ferret. I don't believe there are any haunted animals here tonight. Why not? Because haunted animals are lame for a start. And even if there was one, I wouldn't care. I want a haunted ferret called Mr. Job or something. Mr. Yuff. Just because you've heard of Jeff once.

The Isle of Wike mongoose, Jeff. I'm hoping Jeff you know has a franchise that was all fake that was all fake if you want to know more about it you can go and

listen to the Zedless Deadless podcast of Izzy Lawrence where I believe a few years ago I was on that maybe like three oh I had my fly under

I got my fly under no good we're all right we're going to go in and announce ourselves and then we'll probably I don't know. We're going to go in, announce ourselves, and then we'll probably... I don't know how it's going to go recording-wise. I've got a recorder for Eli. I've got one.

We'll be given toys and stuff, hopefully, to use as well throughout the night, which is good. But we'll record as and when we can, whether we're doing vigils or whether we're doing lone stuff when we're alone or when it's just me and Eli together composing our thoughts.

Either way, we're heading into Avenue House. Let's do this. Okay. So we're going to be kicking off not too far from now, 10 o'clock. We're all just mingling and there are people coming in. And as I feared, everyone's in fancy dress bar, Ross, basically. There's actually a few people who don't. We're not the only ones not in fancy dress, Paul.

Which is good, because I'd hate us to be the only outliers tonight. Some things I've noticed, there's a lot of females. These events tend to be very female heavy. More women want to do this than men. Tell me more about that. More women believe in ghosts than men, I think. Oh, yeah? Stop it.

What do they do? Tell me what they do. What would you like me to say? And I'll just say it'll be easier. Milkmaids. Right, great. Well, there's quite a lot of costumes tonight. There are vampires and witches.

And there's a Regan from Exorcist, which is quite impressive. It's particularly impressive. It's uncanny, you might say. And there's a scary nun. And... That's the nun. It's from the nun franchise, isn't it? Oh, the conjuring is a spin-off.

The nun is part of The Conjuring universe. Yeah, that's what she looks like. I tell you what, we talked about my hope for some haunted animal malarkey. When you come in here, there's a big photo, the first room you come into, Paul. It's very grand, black and gold gilt. Black wood with gold gilt. There's a big picture. That must be the ink magnet. Oh, yeah. Well, hang on. There's a...

Hang on. Let me read it. I'll actually read it. Hang on. Henry Charles Stevens with his favourite horse, Chortleton. Yeah, it's that ink magnet and it's his favourite horse, Chortleton. And that horse looks like it could be a phantom.

Well, it's his favourite horse and there is stable, so you just don't know. Yeah, because someone said stand there for hours while we paint you. His nostrils look like they've got hellfire in them. There's red poking out of the nostril. Well, maybe tonight we'll see Chortleton, the spooky horse. And there's a lot of horses in folklore that have been haunted and lead men to their deaths. You're making that up? No.

The ghosts are haunted, or there are ghosts of horses? They're not even ghosts. They're just sort of supernatural creatures. And they lead men to their death? The form of a horse. That's where the word nightmare comes from. Does it? Yes.

It's a mare, isn't it? It's a horse. A nightmare. I mean, okay. It's a deadly horse. But isn't there a painting called The Nightmare which has a horse in it and a devil sitting on a woman's... Where do you think he got that from, then?

I mean, I don't know. But anyway, we're looking forward to a spooky horse. Spoopy. Spoopy. I'll be using the word spoopy tonight instead of the word spooky because I need to appeal to a younger audience. Spoopy. Spoopy. I'll be using the word spoopy tonight instead of the word spooky because I need to appeal to a younger audience

for Cheap Show and they like the word spoopy. Do you need to appeal to a younger audience? Yeah. It keeps us fresh and vital. Okay.

Are we allowed to carry our bag around when we go around? I believe so but I think this place is reasonably secure so we can probably just leave it here as well.

I'll carry my bag around. Alright. You talk like a tramp with a bindle. I've got something in my bag. Oh, is this that thing you told me about that you said I'd be disappointed when you tell me? Do we need to go next door while you tell me? No, I'm not telling you. You'll find out later. Mate, have you brought a demon in a box? Something of the sort.

You're full of nonsense. That sounds really creepy when you say it like that. I've got something for you in my bag, but I'm not going to show it till later. It's for me, and it's to channel something into it and hopefully increase its power. Right, well, okay, well, that's obviously drugs, so we'll move swiftly on. How professional? It's very professional because it's the occult

and it's going to happen. And you just... I'm moving in circles. Circles in circles. Circles above circles. You're dabbling with dark powers. You might draw something to your... I've got a torch.

We've been through this. I gave you the torch. Paul, Paul, I need a wee. Where can I go? Go to the front desk and ask them, because I think the toilets are by the reception. Oh! I've shot my back. God, you're pathetic. Right, go. Go toilet. Right, we're off on a tour.

Ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Good. We've had a briefing. Very brief briefing. Do I have everything I need that's important? Yes, I do. Right, we're going for a little wander. I'm just going to record this whole session and see if anything happens during. Hopefully it'll be fine. We've got to get a picture taken, obviously. With the frame and the ghosty thing.

It's a memento. Have you got your ghost lighter with you, Paul? I have my ghost lighter, yeah. That's good, isn't it? We're protected with our ghost lighters. Is this what ghost hunts are usually like? Yeah, basically. Have you been on a ghost something with this company before?

Not with this company. No? But usually they all work in the same way. And as I say, I appreciate the whole fact that they say, we're not going to fake anything, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They'd rather nothing happen than stuff you think is faked. It's very grand, isn't it? Yeah, well, we're just going down now.

Oh, I think we're starting in the basement. Basement, yeah. It's exciting. Age before beauty. Headboard. It's exciting. Age before beauty. Cellar door. Cellar door. There's a touch. I'm touching the cellar door. Yeah, go on.

Prick. Right, we're going down into the basement. The group's quite big, so they split us into two. One's getting a workshop and we're getting the early talk. Oh, I didn't bring my torch. You didn't bring it? No. Where are we? Oh there's a skeleton. Quick. Oh bloody hell. Catch up. Dilly dallying. Oh no you get your torch out. Oh god they've spooked it up. I don't think this is for us I think this is just for kids when they have the heart oh they're skeletons blimey the basement of avenue i've had incredible moments down here

um quite scary only recently i've been coming here for 10 years now investigating and the evps that we've had in here the photographs we've caught. It was only recently that I found out that the basement here was actually a morgue for two years. So you are standing in what was a working morgue during one of the world wars. But everything we've collected down here over the past ten years made sense at that point in time when this lady told me, oh, it was a morgue, and I was like, oh, that's why. And we had an event quite soon after that, and itedd yn eithaf ddiddorol dod yma ar gyfer y tro cyntaf ar ôl clywed hynny. Rwy'n mynd i ofyn i chi ddewis eich torciau i mi,

i weld sut bydd y cwmpas yn mynd i'r dyfodol. Felly byddwch yn gweithio yn y dyfodol, fel hyn yma. Yn ôl, cofiwch, dyma pan fydd eich sensau'n newid yn ychydig. in the dark like this down here now again remember this is when your senses are going to change slightly we work in the dark because it heightens your hearing and your other senses as well that you're hearing in particular and you've got quite good acoustics down here there is a tunnel behind we don't know where it leads it is actually boarded up at the moment so you're quite lucky because I was always terrified that Pennywise genuinely was going to pop out. If I saw a red balloon down here I would quit. But what you're going to be doing down here this evening is using your senses. You're going to be with Laura and she's going to have things like

the REM pod, the spirit box, temperature guns, laser grids. So where you might start your eyes are going to adjust slightly. It might take a few minutes but your eyes will adjust it's not going to get much lighter than this I'm not gonna lie and but you may think that you're seeing things in the peripheral vision the laser grid will normally debunk that okay so remember to stay calm tonight and if you do run down here please don't run into any of the props and pop your lights back on my love the basement does lead through that way um where we come down the stairs we have turned right if you turn left you can walk through and there's a long tunnel but you can pull the cat back there's a lovely creepy waiter that's

a prop for halloween for the kids if you pull the curtain back and walk through and it goes back quite far and it winds around and we've had some really cool, I would probably say residual stuff happen there. We had bells ringing, like servants bells, when we were here one time, which was really, really cool because obviously they're not here anymore. So quite creepy down there, but you've got a big, big basement to work into tonight.

I'm going to wind you back around and we will go up to the top floor. Just mind your own business. Maybe I will. Sure. back around and we will go up to the top floor. I will let you go up and have a look at the tower obviously for safety reasons. I'm gonna let you go up at six at a time or eight at a time, max really. Don't forget the floorboards. The tower has been one of the places

where all of our ghost time and creepiest stories come from. They're in the basement. There is an EVP, which I can play for you later. If you've been on our Facebook page, under the Avenue House event I posted it in, and it's a little clip of our computer screen, and it's actually an EVP of what was caught down in the basement. That EVP was taken the same time I was sat up here with the Franks box, so the white noise, the shh kind of machine.

We didn't know. I heard something up here. Our guests heard the exact same thing, and it was repeated about 20 times. Obviously, it was quite a creepy moment, but really, really awesome as well. We've come down about four days later. We've gone through all of the audio and captured this EVP. And I heard it. I remember sitting in my kitchen and I heard it.

I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Because what we heard up there was exactly the same words as what was on the EVP downstairs at the same time. We only obviously worked it out a few days later, kind of worked out time-wise what it was and it kind of blew my mind. I won't tell you what I think I heard because then I'm planting seeds. I want you to tell me what you can hear but there's kind of three options we're going for. We're not quite clear on one of the words but it was definitely the same as what we've heard up here as what happened at the same time and so yeah quite an unusual series of events do you want to squidge up there i'm going to squidge up there yeah

Squidge up there, yeah. Right, lead the way. Little pack on. You look adorable in your little pack on, don't you? You look adorable in your little pack on, like a goonie. This is a really cool space though up here It's proper gothic It's proper gothic up here Yeah there's a spooky tower

Now As far as I remember This space was where you could hear a boy Crying or chattering Or talking something like that You heard that did you? Not me no crying or chattering or talking, something like that. You heard that, did you? Not me, no.

Someone heard that. There have been stories of it. But I might be wrong. I don't know the history of this room too well. Ooh. It's a proper spooky little space, isn't it? I don't know what's out there. Imagine it's a little gantry. Oh.

Right. Going back down. We'll be back here later, no doubt. Let's see where we're going next. Come on, Captain Slow, we're losing them. You can be up there alone later. Yeah, big deal. What?

Mr. Big Man. Not afraid of nothing. Not afraid of nothing, says Mr. Big Man. You'll be crying for him in the night, screaming. You will. You know, I want to go home, you'll say. Frightened of ghosts, you'll say. Don't you worry.

By the end of the night, you'll see true evil. I doubt it. All right, well, maybe you won't then. Oh, he's having tea. Hula hoops. I've just found a packet of roast chicken flavour hoover hoops. That's a first for me, Paul. I've never seen these in the wild before. Um, so, are we going to hang out?

Yeah, we're going to do a workshop next, aren't we? Where they're going to go through all the tools and toys and stuff. All right, and then can we go and talk about stuff? I don't like the way you're talking, mate. I don't know, it's weird, you're talking. It's weird, you sound suspicious I don't like the way you're talking, mate. I don't know. It's weird you're talking. It's weird. You sound suspicious. Don't like it.

What? I've brought Keith. Fuck. Can't. You brought Keith. I've brought Keith. I've brought Keith. You can't show that to anyone here.

They'll literally think we're insane. I'm getting him out. I'm trying to get power into him. We'll do it when we have a lone vigil later. Through the witch hole, Paul. Through the witch hole of Keith, the power will go. Right, okay. Well, you're being left alone right now.

It's a roast chicken. Who lives? All of this is weird right now. All of this is weird All of this is weird right now Oh mate That's a classic Roast chicken huff I'm getting off these

Oh yeah Have you ever seen these before? I mean It rings a bell But I've never seen them Oh nice flavour It's a mini bag though right? Yeah

Can't believe you brought Keith What a monster It's a mini bag though, right? Can't believe you brought Keith What a monster I was here a couple of years ago Oh yeah In the basement And it's a pity the tunnels closed up Because when I was here last This is not my story to someone else

But I was in the room with them So long story short She went down that tunnel as far as she would dare It's not that deep But it's not nice when you go down there. But she said she could hear footsteps down the end of it. But when she got down the end, the footsteps were at the opposite end. And she didn't like it very much and she wouldn't come out. She wouldn't come out?

She wouldn't come out of the tunnel for a good while. Yeah, seriously. So I think she was there for like 10 minutes or so. Until we could convince her to come out once she said the footstep stopped. So, yeah. Personally, the attic is the scariest bit. Is the attic the tower, or is that a different place I'm thinking of?

Yes, I think so. All right. There's kind of the upper level, and then you can go up even further. Oh, okay. It's just a little room. Yeah. So you can, I think,

like max five people. Oh, is that little tiny one up the thing? The stairs? Yes. All right, OK. We threw the spirit box, actually, in the attic. Laura was told that she was going to get pushed down the stairs. Oh.

So that was a nice spirit. But no one ever has been pushed down the stairs, right? No. Not hard. You won't get pushed down the stairs, right? No. Not hard. You won't get pushed down the stairs. I'm just asking. They have, but you won't be. Laura's pushed down the stairs.

That same night that she was told to? No, the next time. Oh, shut up. I'm surprised she'd come back. She'd be like, I'm done now. Oh, we love it. It wasn't those stairs. We're glad we've abolished them. Oh.

The other stairs. It was different stairs. It wasn't the ones from the ANSI. Oh. What did you want to say? Well, we've all had a demonstration of the various... Equipments. Equipment.

Is that the usual array that you usually get? The only one that's missing really is the night vision goggles, but they are expensive. So you know, I can imagine why they don't get used. But yeah, we were given a little mini workshop. There was EVP meter, which I've spoken about on the show before. Electricians use them. I'm having an issue with the amount of bullshit. Oh yeah, but this is the whole thing, isn't it?

It's like, you know going into this that it's either you're going to believe or not, and you don't. But I respect the process. You know what I mean? Why? Because they're not going out of their way to say you're definitely going to see ghosts tonight

and you're definitely going to... Even if you did, there would be no... There's no veracity to any of the... There's no proving of it. There's nothing rigorous about any of it. So there's never... There will never... It's just not serious, you know what I mean?

It's entertainment. Well, no, yeah, but that's... Again, that's the point of these evenings. Yeah, I know. But then it's all just ridiculous. Yeah. But again, it's like... Paul?

I know I didn't want to call travel. It's not for me. No, I know, I know, but I'm glad you're coming along and you're keeping an open mind. Not for me. To some extent, because you're a belligerent twat. But all I'm saying tonight is get involved get involved with the Ouija board

get some tools go on a lone vigil get a tool I'm going to get Keef out you can't get Keef out you don't know what you don't know what he'll do you don't know what Keef will bring

what if you get a demon attached to you on the way home Keef yeah and then gives me power that's one thing you won't ever have power I mean

I'll make sure of that Paul listen to me Paul yeah listen to me yeah listen to me

Paul yeah yeah no we're god you boring man I'm sorry I'm sure they think you're

a ray of fucking sunshine I'm sure they think you're a ray of fucking sunshine. I haven't died yet. Did you hear that? I'm not even joking. I just heard someone go like, in my ear. I really hope I recorded that because I generally heard this. Was it your own voice?

No, it wasn't. Was it your own breath? I don't know if it was my own breath, dickhead. I'm not saying it means anything. I'm just saying I heard... In my ear. Don't bring energy to me, mate, all right? I'll get Keith out.

Shit, I'm getting... You are getting a bit weeded out, aren't you, little boy? Look at him. He got a little bit scared then because he thought he saw somebody, but it was just a man in a garden. Huh? You think you saw somebody, but it was a man in a garden. It was just a man in a garden. You think you saw something

but it was a man in a garden. It was just a man in a garden, yeah. Do you want to go for a fact, please? Can I have a fact? Yeah, we've got to go out the back though

but yeah, we can do that. But no, generally, before you go any further, I genuinely heard and I can't listen back until later, I kind of, in my ear.

It sounds like you just making the noise. I'm saying to you, I fucking know. Was it a dog ghost? Because that would be good. Any kind of dog or some kind of, I'm saying to you I fucking know was it a dog ghost because that would be good any kind of dog or some kind of

I'm thinking a ferret no you can't you can't keep doing the ferret thing I'm not I'm not going to allow you a long ferret snake ghost

I'm not going to allow you to ruin this by talking about ferrets all night just you just go have a cigarette while we can

update it was probably me it was you Paul I heard you make it you went I didn't like I just heard it really loud in my ear I didn't know it was me your thing in you've got your recorded thing in I got excited then thinking I've caught something normally I'm gonna wait if I feel anything getting Keith straight out and the witch-hole I'm putting the witch-hole over hole over the source of it. You shouldn't bring dark magics here tonight. It's not wise.

Anyway, with that in mind, I apologise for getting everyone's hopes up. It was just me having an asthma attack as a bill. Right, it's midnight. So we are all heading back to the main hall area where we were all seated. And we're going to get split up into groups and it's all going to be very exciting. As soon as my co-host stops playing with his willy in the toilet. Come on, where is he? Come on, love. We're going on hunts now. Are we?

Yeah, we're going to get split up into groups and then go on hunts. If you want. We can also do a group together later as well. It's all good. Just shut up because here we go. I think we'll attach ourselves to like group three or something. Okay then.

Because you were too busy playing with yourself in the tournament. I wasn't. Listen. You were. You seemed to have a great time. Group three. Yeah, we'll stay with group three.

I'd bring Keith. I mean, yeah, but don't whip Keith out. It's going to be a lot of explaining to do. Full stop. Which hole needs to be exposed directly? To the dark portal, basically, yes. Eli's sitting over there looking like a scared bin man Right we're going down to the basement Eli

We're going down to the basement How are you feeling about the basement? Fine I think we should shave Keith for the We should shave Keith We should shave Keith Shave Keith

Keith Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes No we should shave Keith for the Upper room You know the one with the Keith. Save Keith. Keith. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Ghost. Ghost. Yes. No, we should save Keith for the upper room.

You know, the one with the stairs and the pushing and all that stuff. There was no pushing. You know what I'm getting at? That whole area. You pedantic wank. Oh, that's great. If I bust this... Oh, that's great.

If I bust this... Yeah, mine don't work. It's brand new with new batteries in. You've taken all the energy. That is my concern. Yeah, the energy's taken. I go... My torch dry. Happens all the time.

Seriously, why is this not working? That sucks balls. Happens all the time. Seriously, why is this not working? That sucks balls. Great, my torch ain't working. I'm going to instantly blame ghosts. Really annoying, my torch just decided not to work. My battery was working literally two minutes ago. Ow, I just pointed the torch in my face and then looked at the microphone. It's working now. That's annoying, though, right? Oh, it's a crow.

You'd think they'd turn off the crow. No. It's just on. Okay, I'll tell you what. Shall we divide the group? I will split the group with you. If you take... this group. Right, the group. you. If you take this group...

Right, the group. They've been split in two, so we're going to follow this group. Yeah, at the end it splits into two different directions, but I believe it's gated off that tunnel still, so all of this, I believe, was just a way to get bodies out. How would you get a body down there? On a stretcher, You drag it through. Crawling yourself then?

They probably would have dragged it with a rope. Or there's an alligator skull. Can you come and touch somebody? Gently. Stand behind them. If you touch the lights, we promise they won't hurt you in any way, they will change colour if you want to make it colder the light will flash blue, if you make it warmer it will flash red, if you can make a sound

maybe throw something in here, You can tap on something. That was human. That was me. Maybe you could touch one of the props that are down here. One of the funny looking statues, make them move. You make a tapping sound, maybe like this. Tap on something for us. Don't set off the raven. Oh my god. even. Although if that goes off when no one's around that'd be a bit unpleasant.

Hang on, how close, let's just work out how close do we have to get for that to go on? Okay. It should be a sensor at the front. You can see that little black door? Yeah. That's the sensor isn't it? Yeah. So, hang on, why is it that door. Yeah. That's the sensor, isn't it? Why is it that? How bizarre. That's what I mean. But it didn't go off when we... Mind you, actually, we didn't come here, did we? I don't know.

Yeah. See if it's the... Why isn't it coming off? It's not typical. That's odd, isn't it, though? Yeah. I'll tell you what. Everyone back away.

One person approach it. Because it might be because there's so much movement. That might be it. Yeah, it might be blocking it. All right. I'll tell you what, everyone back away One person approach it because it might be because there's so much movement That might be it Alright, I'll tell you what, I'll go I'll I'm going to walk as close as I can to it It's just not good as I count to it and see. How bizarre! It's just not good.

There's one name I'm looking for. Okay. I'm not getting it. Have you guys, you've been here before haven't you? I, yeah. When did you last come? Would have been about four year ago now I reckon, something like that. So we're talking about 2013, 14, whatever it is.

No fucking way! I scared the crap out of you again. Is that crow down there? It stopped here and we walked past it one by one and it didn't go off. Yeah. Do it again. No. Look. I'm just going in there.

It's not, I'm doing it again. Look, look. I'm just going in there. Is it just me? It's not your recording thing, is it? I wouldn't have thought so. No. No.

The only thing we suggest is maybe it's the torch. Do you know what? Maybe it's the torch. Okay, try that again. Let's see. Alright, I'll take it. I'll walk past without. Yeah.

Oh, it's the light. It's the noise. The noise. It's got infrared walk past without. Yeah. It's the eyes. It's the eyes. But there's a little dot on the button. It's a torch. There we go. See? That was really cool. It was cool.

And I might have pooed a little bit, but not too much. There you go. Scientific process in action. We figured out that the raven is attracted and used by light. Aha, aha. Set that raven off without going near it. It's definitely the torch. Are we going to go in the grounds?

Yeah we are, we can do later We're probably the last hour, we can probably go anywhere we want So we'll go to the grounds then So did those dice mean anything to you? The blue hall or whatever it was? What do you mean? It's a random Word, general Just asking

If spirits wanted to contact me It's a random word, generally. Just asking. Just asking if you type. Right? Yeah. If spirits wanted to contact me, yeah, or say something to me, they'd use words in English. They wouldn't use some kind of device that generates randomness. That's, it's peridelia. I know, I agree.

It's encouraging peridelia. I'm just wondering if those... Don't start on me. Don't start on me. Don't start on me. I'm not in the mood for it. Oh, get her. You know what? Keith.

You can't use Keith as a threatening device. Some actual witchcraft. You know what I mean? I'll get some... Dark arts. Yeah, get that going. Let's get it going.

I need someone spewing and like shaking and stuff you've watched too many movies this is a scientific I'm gonna take a picture of the spooky tunnel how about that yeah Okay, good. So if you can rub your hands together for me please. We've got a black energy. And put your fingers really lightly on the glass. Scanning. So I'm calling forward the spirits of our new house.

With the glass, if you can bring it over towards my voice, please. Keep going. Thank you. If you can bring it over towards my voice, please. Keep going. Thank you. Take it back to the middle for me, please. Okay, I'm going to be your yes answer. And away from me is going to be your no answer. Sorry, what was your name?

I'm very bad with names. Oh, Paul. Paul. What? Paul will be your with names. Oh, Paul. Paul. What? Paul will be your no answer. Are you Mal? Yes or no, please. Barry. Barry.

Is your name Barry? Is your name Barry? The ting? Yeah. Did you make that ting noise? All evening we've been hearing, like, glasses. Yeah. Do you know when you go, cheers, and tap the glasses?

Victoria. We've heard and tap glasses? Victoria. We've had that all evening. Victoria. Now over in the corner, don't want to blind anyone, over there there is a couple of jars. So there's one jar inside another jar. And I noticed that earlier and we thought it might have been that falling or knocking or something. Is there anyone around this table that you wish to talk to? That's a yes.

Move the glass to the person that you wish to talk to. Do you want to talk to us? Just you. Just only you. Do you want to talk to us? What's your name? Basically, if I mention a name, Andrew, his name Andrew. I think his name, wait, is this Barry still? OK, Barry. I know these movies, what they're like. I love the pacing.

Is there anyone around here that you don't like? Beans. Take it back in the middle for me, please. Beans? Beans. They like beans. Are you standing behind me? Are you staring at me?

Are you playing games with us? Are you a good spirit? We need a no answer. Are you a bad spirit? No. So if you're not... Just haven't had enough. If you're a good spirit, why don't you like men? Is it because you want the ladies all to yourself?

You're a ladies man. Fit. Fit. They... what, they think they're fit? Fit. Fit. What, they're fit? So, would you like... What's your name again? Paul.

Do you like Paul and Matt to leave? And just communicate to us three ladies? I'm getting anything. Hi, Paul. I'm getting some things, but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to say what I'm getting. Okay. I do think that couple, that couple are basically apart. I think they're pushing that road. You don't think that do you. Really? I kind of backed out once.

Are we allowed out here? I reckon we'll just break this one through and then we'll do our own thing. Do you want to do Ouija board with me? Do you mind me on someone? You don't want to do Ouija board? I don't want to do it. You scared? Kill?

It's right there. Alright. I don't have to do it I don't have anything Yeah I guess so Me and Eli are going to do a Ouija board now Just put your fingertip gently on it Alright

If there's anyone here Who would like to speak to us through this board Please move it in any direction right now. It's almost as if I'm not pushing it around just to create a story. Thank you. Sorry, I didn't realise you were doing this. Thank you. Oh there we go. Would you better give me 50 pounds please. Sorry I didn't realise you were doing this. We just realised how ridiculous it was to actually start pushing a 50 pound round.

That's it, fine. Alright, let's try this then. If anyone's in the room who would like to speak to us through this Ouija board, please move our hands. Don't push it. I know you want to push it so it spells out Keith. I don't want it to spell Keith. I know but if it spells out Keith then I know you've pushed it. Paul, I'm not touching it. What if I need to go to the loo or something? Well then just go to the loo, can I? Yes. Just excuse yourself politely and go to the loo. I'll go to the loo.

Eli went to the bathroom because he's scared. I believe we're getting close to free time. That skipped forward an hour so what time should it be right now? That's what I'm saying, that hasn't skipped forward an hour. It's quarter to two. Right or wrong. They go forward or they go back? Forward, we lose an hour, don't we?

Spring forward, fall back. Right, so back. They go back then, so at two it'll be one again. Oh, it's exciting. And then, is that right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Does your phone go back automatically? Your phone does it automatically, yeah. Then can we go on the grounds? I want to go on the grounds. Yeah, we can do the grounds. We can get free play or whatever, free time. We can explore the grounds and we can go up to the tower. So you haven't done that yet?

Oh, dear. A little recording. I can't get on with that phone thing, keep talking. No, I don't. Now then, now then, now then. You're doing my editing. Honestly, when it went, it said something completely random. Barry.

And then it went. Beans. Something it said. Did you hear it say Beans Bob? Yeah, Barry Beans. Maybe it's just me. No. I'm thinking probably it's just driving me potty, I could throw that phone away. I'm not a huge fan of those either.

What is it, they said it picked it up, like Google, I say things and next thing I've got an ad relating to what I said. To my mate that I've been talking about and I thought Christ it's like Big Bravo watching you Oh yeah, I've gone for a quick search on my phone for something and then find out all my adverts in Facebook are just for those items It's nice to know we're being watched So we've done that room, the basement We can do the tower I hope so yeah, I'd like to go for a little wander I'd like to meet up with Barry though, that's a problem I think Barry will be around all a little wander. I don't want to meet up with Barry, though. That's the problem.

I think Barry will be around all night, I reckon. I don't think he's going anywhere. I think he's going home with him. Oh, my God. They can have him. I think he's going home with Barry. All right, so where do you want to go? You want to go into the grounds, don't you, and have a little wander? Yeah. I'll get my coat then, because it'll be cold. How did it go in there

when I left to go to the toilet? Stroke. Could not bear it, bear the awfulness of it anymore. It's like, I feel like we've joined

the wrong gang. Yeah. I felt him pushing it with his finger. I mean, it was like, those apps though, I hate,

I absolutely hate because they just randomly pull out words from your phone book, your dictionary, your internet. Of course. So, the minute someone starts pulling them out, I absolutely hate because they just randomly pull out words from your phone book, your dictionary, your internet. Of course. So the minute someone starts pulling them out I'm like, oh I'm tuning out, I can't be doing with that.

It's the thing, people watch a lot of TV shows like Most Taunt or whatever, they see these things and they go, oh it means something when actually... Nothing means anything. It's just a coincidence. Do you know what I mean? From my point of view, what I'd like to do... Language is a web of connections. It connects symbolically the whole world.

So, of course, something... Everything's always relevant and connected to everything else. However, you know, do you know what I'm trying to say? No, no, no. And also, like, you know, human beings are, like, random. So they all force meaning onto stuff. Which is why I think, from my point of view, what I think we should do towards the end of the night

is just get away from people and find some time to just be on our own and no gadgets no gizmos just listening taking pictures and doing what we can because that's the best way really if you ask me we go on the grounds yes we'll go on the grounds you're right we'll do that i want to go on the grounds i know you've made that really apparent that you want to go on the grounds we'll get you've made that really apparent, that you want to go on the grounds. We'll get my coat, we can do it. Yeah? Okay.

Yeah? Captain Eli must have what he wants. Okay, hello, yes. Eli here, on my own little thing. My little recorder. Hello. I'm having serious... I'm just here alone. I'm in the toilet area. Stephen's House they call it now, but Avenue House is what they're referring it to as. Yeah, I've been here for a few hours. I'm getting nothing at all.

And I'm so bored. I'm so bored. But, you know, I've got to get through this. It's our Halloween special. I mean, I'd love something to happen. Obviously, I don't know.

I don't think that everything in this whole world has been explained. Sounds and mutterings. There we go. There's a flush. I'm hoping Keith gets enriched by this experience. But the other thing they were doing,

a Ouija board thing, and I almost lost it when the guy just had beans. Go for a little wander. Do you know where it is? Spike Milligan statue. Paul, I had terrible flashbacks from when my parents used to drag me along to new age things. How do we get into it? It was just terrible bullshit.

I can't force myself to believe. You know what I mean? Hey, no one's forcing you to believe. An unwillingness to accept that death is the end of all... of everything. Of your consciousness. Your consciousness ends at death all right no one

wants to accept that no i mean that's why this whole thing exists probably which way do you want to go that way so we're now just walking the grounds avenue house spooky grounds i think they're by the stables, you know, that bust. Oh, is it a bust? I think so, yeah. Maybe. I might be wrong. I've not seen it, so... This is spooky. This is spooky. This is like...

Did you hear the owls as well before? No. The thing is, this is a really nice venue. Yes. Every group that runs these kind of things are all kind of the same and I also think it's important that they don't force you to believe

my problem is that there are certain people who want stuff to happen and they make it happen and they convince themselves that stuff's happening and I'm thinking actually what you're probably doing is ruining it for everyone by making it about yourself Totally You get people like that who turn up to these things and make it all about themselves actually what you're probably doing is ruining it for everyone by making it about yourself totally you get people like that who turn up to these things

and make it all about themselves I don't like this why? it's spooky, we're in the woods, I don't like it can we stop? no, what's wrong, come on what are you so scared about? oh look at these steps

I'm going back at this thing why? Oh, look at these steps. I'm going back, I think. Why? Why are you going back that way? Hey, I got a torch. I'm going to have a look. I'm just going to have a look around. I doubt there'll be anything out here. It's not a blow-witch project.

I actually have no idea how big these grounds are. They're huge. Let's go back. No, don't go back. Why do you want to go back? It's pure werewolf country, man. What? It's pure werewolf country, man. What? It's pure werewolf country. No, it's fucking not.

So if we follow this round, it'll probably take us past the stables and then back to the house again. So it'll be fine. You know what I'm getting at? No, I get it, but at the same time, I think you're being overly judgmental. You're walking in to an environment that is completely foreign to you, with people

who have beliefs completely foreign to yours and your tolerance for it is low whereas mine is much higher God it's so low it is so low whereas mine's much higher because I've been through this

this is like my first rodeo it's just for me a good night out doesn't necessarily mean things happen it just means I kind of get to experience it

on my own terms when you have certain people who are pushing it around that's what really annoys me that's what really annoys me because again it's just that thing like i said before it's like someone else taking control of it and making it about them do you know like to get the proper idiom motor movements going for a ouija board you need to be like using it for 10 minutes straight before but then that happened but see that's what mean. But there's an actual scientific and fully researched explanation, which isn't supernatural, for why that happened. Like you said, the ideomotor movement.

So for it to happen almost completely instantly. But for something to be as well fully explained by science, fully explained, and still do it, still use it as if it, you know what I mean? Anyway. When are we going to get Keith out, then? Fuck Keith. What do you mean, fuck Keith? I'm pissed off now.

I'll get Keith out on the way home. I'll get Keith to give me a blowy with his witch hole. But you know what? I did say at the beginning of this, there's a very good chance nothing will happen at all, nothing that will give us the willies, but I wanted us to have the experience for this Halloween. And look look at us we're in a haunted wood oh no i don't like it two in the morning i love all this shit though it's kind of like for me i think it's like me

pushing my for me it's like pushing my boundaries in terms of what i'm willing to do does that make sense yeah and like can i stay in a haunted house? Can I do a lone vigil? Can I walk through the woods alone? That kind of thing. It's a big tree, isn't it? It's beautiful. It's a beautiful place.

I like, you know... The house is nice. The house is nice. It's got that real sort of Victorian, sort of industrious, you know? Yeah. We're currently walking still in the woods. It's to do with my upbringing.

My mum was always into horoscopes and she used to drag me along all these sort of Buddhist things and, you know. And of course, the John Free stuff. And all of that.

And just my tolerance for fucking mumbo jumbo is non-existent. I can't, do you know what I mean? I can't, you know, I try to observe. I try to... No, I know. I can't, do you know what I mean? I can't. You know, I try to observe. I try to... No, I know. I'm not, you know, it's...

As I say, it's just one of these weird things where I think if you, it's like religion. If you indoctrinate into religion and you finally break away from it, of course you look back over your shoulder and go, fuck all that. I guess it's a bit like that, yeah. There's naughty people outside. You know, I'm not one of these people

who thinks that the whole of reality has been explained entirely by science. That would be stupid, but... It's just that these events don't... Because they're tourism, they can't really give you the full experience that I would want

doing a ghost hunt, where they're kind of... What would you like to do? Something a bit more scientifically rigorous? Yeah, well just like more alone time more chance of not bumping into other people Here we go, here he is

Oh yeah You should take a picture of that He's a bit creepy in the dark I mean it's a creepy thing altogether but I like it So we're now at the Spike Milligan bench 1918 to 2002 A conversation with Spike So we're now at the Spike Milligan bench.

1918 to 2002. A conversation with Spike by John Somerville, 2014. Widely regarded as the godfather of alternative comedy. Why? Did he go around extorting people? Did he go, I'll give you a joke, you use this joke, but I'll break your legs. Yeah, and if you pissed him him off you'd wake up with a pantomime horse's head in your bed

there you go that's it we've reached peak fucking night oh here we go 1998 on the Ning Nang Nong is voted the nation's

favourite comic poem but it's racist isn't it no I don't think so isn't it meant to be sort of cod Chinese no it's more it's just more random

it's like on the Ning Nang Nong where the crowds go bong and things go jibba jab of cod Chinese? No, it's more, it's just more random. It's like on the Ning Nang Nang where the crowds go bong and things, oh jibba jabba doo, it's that one. It's nonsense poetry. It's absolute nonsense. I do like this venue because it's, you know, a nice big house. It's a fantastic building. It's really unique, isn't it?

Yeah. Like the plan of it, it's almost like a bunch of different houses all stuck together. Do you know what I mean? Well, I presume because this side was the one affected by the fire. This is probably a bit more modern, this side, but made in the style of... That was destroyed when in the fire in the 90s, did they say? I didn't catch when the date was.

It's a proper sort of... So that's the tower where we were before. That is a spooky room. That's really Blair Witchy, it's sort of... Do you know what I mean? We need to end the night there. We need to spend a bit of time there, you and I, in the spooky room. That's really Blair Witchy. It's sort of... Do you know what I mean? We need to end the night there. We need to spend a bit of time there, you and I,

in the spooky room. To wrap it up and just, you know, see what happens. Do you want to go now? We can do it whenever, can't we? That's the beauty of it. We'll go to the spooky tower.

Anything fun? Spirit Barry wanted to talk to me on my own. Is there a tower? Oh, we will. We just need to find a good five, ten minutes where we can be alone. Although that sounds creepy when I say it out loud. Right, good. Right, bye.

That's awkward. Bye. Right, we can go check it out later. I think there are people in there But we can get some gadgets if you want to take some gadgets up Okay, Paul We can go down to the basement We could do with a stiff one

And also a drink Right, good In that case I'm probably going to go for a pee at some point It's a shame because I don't think this level is the most impressive Like the basement Or the upper floors I'm probably going to go for a pee at some point. It's a shame because I don't think this level is the most impressive, like the basement or the upper floors, like that room that was closed before.

I think my biggest fright that I had tonight was when I was in the basement. I didn't realise that there was a display of Halloween ghouls and I saw one and I thought, oh, that's... Yeah, a little bit of that grim report on the corner and i bumped into it a little bit of weed came out a little bit of we came out is that the smell of weed that's on you can i smell your wee wee hole you can smell my you can smell my pee pee gap can i smell your pee pee gap shut up i'm gonna turn this off now we've been talking for 20 minutes while we walked around the woods.

It's all going on up there. What's going on? A couple of people and they're asking spirits to move lights around. What do people believe that spirits in terms of their agency? What does a spirit... What does the spirit experience when it's not contacting people in very, very vague ways by tappy-tippy-tapping or saying, Well, it...

Well, it... Beans. When you said beans, I almost lost my shit. But, like, you look at tonight... The other feeling I got on this was that I had a little flashback to when I was five

and my parents took me to a ballet class and it was all girls. And I didn't want to do it. Did you do it, though? No, I did not do it. That's why I'm not a ballet dancer. I could have been a good dancer. So wait, you coming to a haunted house reminds you of ballet dancing when you were a kid? Yeah. Not ballet dancing, because there were too many girls. But Paul, I could have been a good dancer.

Got a good high arse. Sticky outy arse. Long arse. Yeah. But that's a good dancer's arse, mate. I could have been a fucking mover. I think it takes more than just your arse. It takes what?

To dance. Rhythm. Rhythm. Flexibility. Do I have rhythm? I don't know. What do you mean? You've known me for years. Do I have rhythm? I don't know. What do you mean? You've known me for years.

Do I have rhythm? No. I don't have rhythm. No. I just don't know how to. Really? Right now? Oh, yeah.

Class. Style. What do you mean class? We've got both classes. Bodily hygiene. What? Yeah. Give me the mic.

You have arrogance. I'll give you that. You smell of old Willie. You smell of Willie. Willie build-up. Paul, are you flagging? I am actually flagging. Yeah, let's do that.

I have moments where I feel all right, and then there are moments when I feel... I could easily just kneel down and then slowly lie on the ground. Paul, let's get out of here. Come on. I'm dying here.'s get out of here, come on. I'm dying here. I'm gonna start haunting this place.

I just want to see things through and I want to spend some time in the tower and some time in the basement and then that'll be enough, I reckon. Did you really bring Keith? Yes. Should we get Keith out? We should definitely get Keith out and take him to the tower. Alright. Go get Keith. I don't know where Keith is.

You go get Keith. I can't be arsed to move. This sofa's nice. Isn't this sofa haunted? Do you think it'll go up my bum? You know nothing about the supernatural. You are putting out bad vibes into this building, and that's why we're not seeing any ghosts.

They've been up there for ages. That's the problem, though, with these things. Again, this has been run brilliantly. The people who run this know what they're doing. It's all very professional and very nice and friendly, but you just can't get enough time in a location to do anything. You know what I mean? Yes.

In a perfect world, it'd be just me and you in here, the whole run of the place with a night cell. That wouldn't be fair. If anyone is listening to this episode and has access to a haunted location you want to send me and Eli to, email us thecheapshow at gmail.com and we'll come.

I'm just going to see what's going on. I'm going to creep up and have a little poke it in while you do nothing. I knew you'd be like this. Why are you running away? Don't even... Oh, come on, mate. Oh, Paul.

Turn your light off for a bit. We'll just stand in the darkness. If there's anybody here with me and Eli, can you knock on the walls? Can you make a sound? Give us any sign that there's someone with us in this room right now. Barry? Barry?

I mean, let's just put it this way right before we go any further. Of all the ghost names, Barry's not one of them. You know? Yeah, it's like... Sir Charles Crithavium.athium or Harold Smythe. You could read some books about the actual real research that's been done onto where the... Did you see that? What? There was like a little... I thought it was dust but it actually was like a little light bulb, like a light bulb. It's weird because where that light was, this is where the interference is. When I scanned it, it felt like, you know when you drop a little kind of like piece of foil and it catches the light?

It was like that. I've just been seeing things like that as well. That was so weird because I honestly thought there was reflection coming off keys or... But it happens every time I get interference on this. I hear this bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi-bidi I've got everything out in the kitchen sink. It's happening again. It's going off again. But, yeah, this was where I had that incident where there was these girls doing a Ouija board in the tunnel where the tunnel is. And I was with them and I opened the door and I went through

and then when I got there, we all heard this... It was the door. It was the door squeaking, but I bottled it and I opened the door and I went through and then when I got there we all heard this it was the door squeaking but I bottled it and legged it and left three girls to fend for themselves in the dark, I took the torch with me and when I came back they were crying they were crying? yeah and one said but you left us I feel like I'm ruining it for everyone

with my absolute complete lack of any kind of... I almost left Keith down here. Mate, don't leave Keith down here. Shall I have a half of Keith? Do you want to have a half of Keith? I'm not, mate. I'm feeling really ill. Do you want to have a half of Keith? Do you want to have a half of Keith? We should put Keith

on the tray. Will it support it without breaking it? Take a picture of Keith in the spooky caretaker? I've lost track of all time to be honest right now. Are we allowed to leave early? No, we can leave early if we want. It's probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life. That's not true. What's worse than this? Your ongoing existence. Shut up. No, it's not. It's two o'clock now. We've probably got an hour left.

I don't think it's going to be four. I think it's probably four o'clock in terms of with the clock going back, it would blah, blah, blah. I just have a nap and just like, I don't want to do anything anymore. Just engage in it. I'm engaged in shit. Just chat. Do you know what it is? It's because I went to see Alan Babs, the witch doctor.

Yeah. And as a result. Eli will not be convinced or even particularly interested in being convinced. Do you know what it is? It's because I went to see Alan Babs the witch doctor Yeah and as a result Eli will not be convinced or even particularly interested in being convinced or even like I'm just saying because I ate your lock of hair

we've warded off all spirits so they're not going to come to us are they? Well why did you do that then? Why did you do what Alan Babs said? I can't believe I'm going along with this but why did you do

what Alan Babs said? Alan Babs has got the photographs Alan Babs has got the photographs. Alan Babs has got the photographs of what? You fucking a puppet? Stuffing a puppet up your bum bum? Is that what it is? I don't stuff them up my bum. I merely insert myself into the neck of the

puppet and use it as a fleshlight. You use a puppet as a fleshlight? What about boggling? You know what? I regret doing this whole evening. So do I. I regret you deciding that this would be a fleshlight. What about a boglin'? You know what, I regret doing this all evening now. So do I. I regret you deciding that this would be a good idea. What do you want though? It's exactly what I told you it was going to be.

There's no supernatural activity in this place. Not with that attitude. Now, take Keith and let's go exploring quietly elsewhere and get to other people up to shenanigans. Keith. Let's just... Keith.

Yeah, I don't want to smell that. Keith has got a proper half on, mate. Mate, I can't smell that for one good reason. Can I say something into the mic? Yeah, go for it. Willy, Willy, Willy Wanky. Great stuff. Great edition. Shall I say? Willy, Willy Wanky. Great stuff. Great, great addition.

Willy, Willy Wanky. What's that all about, Paul? Is there someone, Willy, Willy Wanky here? I'm going to go, tell you what, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go through here on my own

for like two minutes and you stay here and then we'll swap and we'll see if anything happens because your negative vibes I think are affecting my experience. I'm going affecting my experience. Right, I'm gonna go down, right, and see if anything happens. So Eli's sitting there and I'm gonna go back down this little passageway.

Okay, I'm on my own ghosts. Spirits of avenue house. Come through to me. I'm on my own. Is there anybody here speaking to my microphone? Come move towards me I give you permission to come forward Look on the wall, copy this Eli, did you just cough? No Oh I did that

Alright, okay I'm losing it You're losing your fucking mind tonight It's the tiredness setting in Yeah I'm losing it, man The your fucking mind tonight it's the tiredness setting in yeah I'm losing it the fact that you're a belligerent cunt I'm losing it

I'm so close to pooping myself as well don't do any of that oh poo shh there are people doing ghost hunts and you're shouting I poo myself and you want to whine because you're horny, because you're tired.

That's what it is, it's because I'm tired, isn't it? No, I can't help you on any of the things you have a problem with right now. I think you could. No. This Halloween special does not end with me tossing you off. Poor. No, it's just not happening. Paul, I...

This is just not happening that way. I refuse to have that ending. You didn't hear that, though. I did. What did you hear? HEAVY SIGHS I definitely didn't make that sound. Do you think at this point...

I'd make that sound? You wouldn't have... No. Well, let me try and recreate it then for you. Yeah. Yeah, it was more... HEAVY SIGHS You went like... No. Alright, well let me try and recreate it then for you. Yeah. Ready? Yeah, it was more... It's not me.

That's me just trying to... remove your... I definitely didn't make a sound like that. Well, I heard something. Alright, that's fine. I definitely didn't make a sound like that. Well I heard something. Alright that's fine. I definitely didn't make a sound. I just need you to know that. I'll stand over here. I presume that's fireworks. You heard it, didn't you?

Two taps. Yeah. Is it fireworks? No. I don't see no fireworks. Where did the sound come from, then? It sounded like something outside. Yeah?

I can't see your reflection on the screen. My reflection? Yeah. I can see your reflection in this. Oh. It's like a dark figure. It looks like a dark figure. Turn it back to you.

Make it scarier. Cool. Come here. Yeah. Come here and look. And I'll stand the same way. I'll stand here. We're walking home to get a bus.

We're not walking home to get a bus. Where will we get a bus once we get home? Fuck off, I'm tired in a mill. You are. And you spent the whole night... You're a moody twat. You're a moody fucking twat. How dare you?

How dare I? Hey, Coates. Listen, mate. What? What? What have you got to say to me? You were a grumpy spoilsport all night. Didn't look in.

Checking your phone when we were doing the Ouija board. I got bored after about two minutes. So there you go, so now we're walking to the 102, to apparently Eli's favourite part of any fucking night, which is bus journeys. I like bus journeys, I like them. Don't have to pretend there's something that's not real there, do you? You don't have to pretend there's something that's not real there, do you? I just think, because you brought Keith, something will attach to it,

and Keith being a portal, you're going to end up dragging... I'd like Keith to be some kind of occult object. That's the other thing, the whole sort of issuing of demonology. Isn't the whole, how can you have spirits if there are no demons? Well, no, demons are a religious thing. They're not a supernatural thing. Spirits are a religious thing. There are ghosts and spirits in.

Look, the difference is that religion created demons, right? The idea, the concept of demons. And religion created the idea of spirits as well. Well, yeah, but there is a definite... What's the word I'm looking for? There is a separation between people who... Well, there is in the community, obviously. I'm not...

You know, there is. Why? Why? I don't know why. Demonology is more interesting because you get people get possessed and that actually happens. No, demonology is absolutely

a bunch of toxic bullshit. When you've got people like Fred Batt on Most Haunted, spouting Latin in haunted houses, willing a demon to take over his body. That's wrong. That's fake demonology. I'm talking about actual, where they need exorcisms and mass hysteria and stuff like that. Actual phenomena.

Yeah, religious-based. Yeah. Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. In any way or respect, this is the perfect cheap show Ghost Hunt. Nothing happened and you complained the whole time. And you farted. What was that?

Because we're having an interview with your arsehole. Shut up. Sorry, Paul, okay? I'm sorry For what? Just being so fucking bored And fucking unhappy the whole night But I was

To be honest, it felt like a whole night That just made you question your upbringing More than anything else No it didn't What do you mean question my upbringing? Mummy used to go and make horoscopes happen Mummy used to It reminded make horoscopes happen. Mummy used to...

You've reminded me of having to put up with fucking shit that I didn't believe in. Nonsense. Do you know what I mean? And you're right. They were all very nice, the people running it. And professional. And it's just not for me. None of this world, this world is just not for me.

Well, at least to some extent Eli you stepped into my world for one night and shat on it pulled it pulled your pants down and then a great big dookie on it you were doing it as a sort of way out of depression and now you are out you haven't done it in seven years or whatever you told me no I did it okay so there is an element of that, but also I enjoy it because it's a part of... It's like quite a lot of people do it. It's something different because...

It's a social thing. I was definitely getting that there with them, with some of them. They like the socialness, you know? But it's like it reminded me of me and my best friend telling each other that, you know, all these stories we made up of me and my best friend telling each other that you know all these stories we made up about when we'd had sex with women

which we hadn't but we just kept you know we both knew we were both lying but we enjoyed you know enjoying the lie between each other yeah and that's what it reminded me of as well

all these people fine I mean okay I'm just sad we didn't get to spend some time in the spooky tower because there were too many people in there Yeah. And that's what it reminded me of as well, all these people. Fine. I mean, okay. I'm just sad we didn't get to spend some time in the spooky tower, because there were too many people in there. Very spooky as a location, that tower. You could definitely shoot a horror film in there, couldn't you?

And if it had just been me, you and a couple of others, we might have had a richer experience. All right, maybe. Maybe. I'm enjoying walking around Finchley. We need to find the right bus. One of these. There won't be any on this side of the road. There's one going round here, down up here.

Going round, down, up there. Oh, coming round down there. Coming up round here, down here. I'm choosing the wrong bus route. We have to walk fucking 15 minutes on both ends. Six minute walk. Stop being a prick. You're being a prick.

Why have you decided which bus route you want to get? You're the fucking one who's come here with an attitude miserable poo-pooing everything storming off

going for little strops. You talk about me ruining it. No. And you know what Paul I was bored out of my fucking mind. What bus stop's this? TQ. Yeah, this is the bus stop we're at. and it will be here in four minutes. Pointless.

We could have got the fucking N20. Once again, Mr Silverman, you've ruined this for me. Haven't you? No, I tried not to. I tried to be patient. It was really starting to get on my wick. Right, well... It's just not for me, Paul.

Can we go next time for Halloween? Can we go to a fun fair with a ghost house or something? That's fun. Right, you organise it. I will. Right, Paul Gannon signing out. Upset. Say it again.

So, Paul, what is your actual take on the supernatural? Or ghosts more specifically? Phantoms? Ghosts? Do you mean my belief system? Yeah. What do you believe? What do you believe is real? I don't believe in life after death.

And I don't believe in ghosts and spirits so how come if you're so sure about that how come you're so fascinated with because i don't know it's just interesting obviously it's because of ghostbusters but i think ultimately it's like this idea where i just like there are cracks in, and ghost hunting is kind of one of those cracks where you don't... There's enough history and belief behind it to warrant investigation, but I honestly believe that when it comes to that investigation, science is pointless,

because it's all subjective. So they have these ways of measuring things, but they don't know what they're measuring. Yeah, so there must be some... So do you think there's a possibility that there are things that science hasn't identified or discovered yet that have been reported as ghosts in the past? Do you see what I mean?

Well, that's what they say in the haunting film, where they say it's like preternatural. They use magnets as an example, where they knew magnets, they had magnets, they could see magnets in action, but they couldn't explain it yet. Yes. So that's what ghosts could be, another preternatural thing we haven't yet explained.

But that's it. That's why I have an issue with the supernatural, because by definition, supernatural is supernatural. It's not natural, so it's not of this world. So it's not of physical reality. Therefore, it's hard to judge it with scientific means and methods. It's not. You can't prove or disprove it. It's like God. Another supernatural idea. So yeah. What you seem to be saying is that all of these phenomenon

could be things, yeah, just like I said, there could be things that haven't been described by science or discovered by science yet. also like i've still got bits of audio and bits of video that define my explanation but again i need singing girl thing but again i need to stress that that's not me saying oh ghost it's just me saying i can't explain this it's unusual and providing the obvious response like someone just lied or faked it, but like 700 people all here at the same time. I can hear it on the tape, mate. What am I talking about? I don't fucking know. I'm tired.

I'm genuinely tired. I'm flagging. Considerably flagging. I got so tired. So bored. So bored. I hope it's not a boring episode for our listeners. It might be. Let's be honest,

listen, if you've gotten this far and you're bored, times ten. I actually did have a fun evening. I just wish it had been a smaller group, I think. Where's it heading now? Is it going to tell you where to get off? Yeah,

Bounds, Greens, Corner, whatever it's called isn't it? Walk from there? No, we walk across the road to get the 29. We're basically getting this to almost the very end of the line, but not quite. Sweet, sweet business mate. I'm just going to chill for a bit now. Is that alright? Yes, that's okay. Yeah. Don't talk to me. It's fine. I don't want to because you do nothing but really tie me out mentally. Sorry, Paul.

Happy birthday, yeah? Paul? I don't know about you, but I can't think of a better way to end this episode than me busting a nut inside Punch's face yeah it's good yeah but look

we'll have to monitor Keith and see if he's brought something back with him well that's the problem isn't it you brought Keith to a haunted location why didn't she why didn't she say

what kind of ghost it could be like who may have perished there isn't that usually part of these things who like they say

that it's haunted with the the washer woman or something you know or the or the the vicar is said to prowl the grounds because his daughter died or you know those kind of stories there's none of that why didn't they give her some of that there were very few stories like that actually when it comes to hauntings very few locations locations have very specific entities. So most haunted places is just, oh there's a bunch of weird stuff happens basically. Yeah. Noises and things getting moved around. See I think there might be something

in sort of poltergeists being something different that might be, like you say, something preternatural. Some kind of actual thing. Some people believe it's psychic energy. Yeah. I'm slightly more credible towards that than, you know, the spirit of dead people. This is bounce green.

I just looked through a window and it looked like there were four people looking at a naked man. Are you joking? No. Ooh, now that's creepy. That's coming up. I just don't understand what that was.

Four people looking at a naked man. So I was looking through the window. What's he out. I just don't understand what that was. People looking at her naked. So I was looking through the window. What was he doing? Let me tell you. It looked like they were all sitting on chairs. So their backs were to the window. So I saw the back of their heads. No, because they had the lights on in the house.

And then when I looked past them, in the other end of the room, there was a guy with definitely no top on. Okay. Could just be a party. I want to go to that party. No, I don't. It sounds like Satanism.

Well, when we get back we have to exorcise... Keith. Keith. Because if Keith's been attached to any demonic presences... Victorian rain. Divas aren't allowed.

Oh God, I feel so ill. Well, you'll be oh god I feel so ill so ill thank you daddy do do do do do Paul report I just want it known right now that I fucking owned Eli all night since the journey home what a stupid bus route we. We'll do it this way. You're wrong. You're wrong. Are you right? Are you wrong? Are you right? The bus is not 24 hours. Are you right? Paul, I'm big enough You're not. You're just not. I'm big enough to

say, yes, you own me with all the transport all night, okay? And I hope you get better soon. I'm sorry that you're sick and I'm sorry that I've basically was a bit of a party pooper for the whole ghost hunting thing okay and i just hope yes we can do when you left the seance the lady who dressed as a nun said is your friend all right and i just said he's a coward really yeah I said you were feeling nervous and you left so everyone thinks you're a big cowardly custard mr.

Silverman who doesn't know his night buses what a can absolutely fine whereas Paul's cock a hoop aren't you Paul's cock a hoop oh it comes the bus look at this poor Gannon Sorting out the buses Paul Gannon You have well done Paul You've done good If I do anything right It's the buses isn't it Dad

Yes Here we go We're almost there It took no time at all Getting on the N29 now It's exciting this N29 2 Mate

We should just do a podcast About buses Night busing Night busing With Eli and Paul You know what Paul I'm not actually joking at all I would love to do that

Let's do it We'll do a spin off podcast Called On The Buses No Night busing With Eli and Paul What happens in the podcast Outside of being on a bus

We choose a route Yeah Yeah A night route A night route. A night route. Two buses, three buses. And we see how far we can go. And back again.

And we maybe have a sandwich. I mean, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not against the idea. I would love to do that. You know, the N29 is kind of our... I've said it before, really, in the show. It's the lifeblood bus. Yeah, except when it... I said it before, early in the show. It's the lifeblood bus. Yeah, except when it's busy, it's a pain in the ass. Look, we've got the whole bus to ourselves, basically.

I'm loving it. This is top night bussing. When we get to go to McDonald's at night, which is exciting, we're going to get a Maccy D's. Yeah. What are you going to have? I might just keep a simple quarter pounder. Yeah, good choice. Chippy chips. I might custom simple, quarter pounder. Yeah, good choice. Chippy chips. I might customise my quarter pounder.

What? Extra pickle. I'm not even joking. The funny thing is, Paul, I'm not even joking. I've started to lose my mind. Mate, I started this show ill, trembly, sick, sore throat, headache, achy, ending the night with all the same things,

but a need to shit and vomit and potentially a bit of a cry because I'm tired. The last half hour, mate, seriously. I couldn't fathom what I was wanting to do around humans. Yeah, I know. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Bad blood, my friend. Bad, I know. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Bad blood, my friend.

Bad blood. Okay. Round and down, round and up, round and all round, on the buses, round and up, round and up. Night bussing with Eli and Paul. Night bussing,

they go and do it all. Night bussing, what numbers will they get? Night bussing, will Paul need to take a shit? The odds are, yes, I will need to take a shit? The odds are yes I will have to take

a great big duke Tell you what mate let's just have a world of podcasts one's called Cheap Show one's called Night Bussing and one's called Arse Noise

No that's really regressing to when I used to make fart tapes as a child Well I'm gonna barf my guts up I've got a staff in my mouth. I'm gonna barf my guts off. Oh god.

I've not eaten in fucking hours. Well you need to get a Maccy D then don't you? I'm gonna get a Maccy D. This time of night it's gonna be full of ruffians and naughty boys. Yes. It will be. You just have to keep your eyes down and don't say anything out of order. Are we gonna walk home or are we gonna get a bus? Get another bus. Alright, then when do we get off?

One after this. Alright, well then, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go get us some late night filth to eat. And why don't you join us later as we desperately somehow try to wrap up this ghost hunting episode of Cheap Show. Which didn't involve a lot of hunting, nor did it have a lot of ghosts in there we go right to Maccy D's right we have our McDonald's meals and now we're heading back with nice efficient bus journey home wasn't it Paul oh figure today right so we're nearly home inches away from home now. To retire and relax.

I think we should do a cleansing on Keith, though. Yeah. Because I think the problem with Keith is you brought him into a haunted environment. I'll just put him back in my room. I'll just put him there. I don't know. I don't think you should sleep with Keith tonight. Why not?

I mean, not literally sleep with Keith. I mean, just don't have him in your room. I mean, no. I was going to literally. I told you. The witch hole is a blowy hole. He's going to put Keith's glory hole. Yeah.

The witch's glory hole. So, I don't believe you should do that just for tonight. Why? Because you've taken a demonic relic into a haunted location you might have attached all kinds of ghosts to it maybe the reason why you didn't see anything tonight it's because they're all there in the ghost hole of of keith yeah it's all in the jar we've got to be quiet because everyone's asleep at times let's creep inside the house and bid each other a good night and see what happens in the morning.

What? Okay, yes. Okay, yes. I'm going upstairs. Well, thank you to Twilight Ghost Hunts for allowing us to tag along and record our podcast with them tonight.

Although we didn't experience much. We did experience true friendship tonight instead. So yeah, let's just go home and settle down for the night. And have nice sleepy times, alright? Sleepy time time. You say goodnight to everyone now. Goodnight everyone. Happy Halloween.

Alright mate, I'm gonna go bed. I'm gonna eat my Maccy D and I'm gonna go bed. So have a nice night. alright mate I'm going to go to bed I'm going to eat my Maccy D and I'm going to go to bed so have a nice night alright I'm just going to do the last bit to the to the mic

you do what you want mate I'm off to bed night night bye thanks again for being a cunt tonight alright appreciated it alright

okay so finally we're back from that ordeal frankly Alright. Okay, so. Finally, we're back from that ordeal, frankly. It was an ordeal. I'm more deeply unconvinced of the existence of the supernatural than I've ever been before in my life after that, actually.

But anyway. So. There's no psychic energy for Keith there. Just pop him down. The witch hole hasn't widened. The witch hole's just there. Anyway, put him down a bit. So yeah, that was shit.

And I don't know, he just wanted me to do another little bit. So whatever. Here you go, Paul. I'm just going to go to bed. shit and I don't know he just wanted me to do another little bit so whatever here you go Paul I'm just gonna go to bed 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아

아 으, 왜지? 으, 왜지? 으, 왜지? 으, 왜지? 으, 왜지? BOWMAN! The Big Man House We'll see you next time.