CheapShow - Ep 153: Two Men...

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

It's another day at the House of Pickles and Eli and Paul have met up to deliver another episode of economy comedy goodness. Eli has scraped together another box full of weird and wonderful Cheap Eats and Paul has put together another edition of The Price of Shite: Price Match Edition. It all sounds rather jolly, doesn't it? Well, that's because we aren't telling you about Eli's constant mental breakdowns this episode. We are also forgetting to mention the part of the show when Paul turns cheap eats into an awful pun based quiz show... Or the constant "start agains" that litter this episode. I think it's time to admit that this show may be having a negative effect of Paul and Eil's mental state... ENJOY!! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-153-two-men If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Right. One thing I just want to say. I just want to make clear. I want to make it clear. Here we go. Straight off the barrel. I just want to make one thing clear today. Yes?

Let's just have a good... Look, okay? One thing. Let's just have a good show. Yeah? You and me together have a good show. Clean show. Yeah.

What does clean mean? None of this, you know... No, I don't. That's why I said... None of this bad faith from you, yeah? I don't have any bad faith. You fucking do all the time. One thing, Paul. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

My name's Paul Gannon. I do a podcast called Cheap Show with Eli Silverman. Da-da-da-da-da. We've been doing it for four years and a half now, something like that. It's quite bewildering. Da-da-da-da-da. All I want to do is record a podcast, just a silly little podcast to release every week.

But I can't do it because Eli's a fucking prick. Paul's a cunt! Oh, yeah? Paul's such a fucking cunt! Oh, just look at his stupid face, what? I can't look just look at his stupid face what a cunt look at him he's a disgrace that rhymed I'm a cunt no Paul is oh he's a

cunt no this is exactly welcome to jeep show fuck off I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap Show. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand. It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman It's the Price of Shite. Paul Gannon. Eli Silverman. Welcome to Cheat Show. And I go and I nuzzle. That was a great introduction. Do you want to use your Ventolin?

No. I'm getting a wheeze here, Paul. I can't work with it. It's my chest infection. I still have a little bit of a chest infection. That makes me, at times, a little phlegmy. I'm hoping it won't be as noticeable as the... Why can't I get that sentence out? You can't get any out. I can't believe it's not...

I tried to start off on a good footing today. You know? I was in good faith. I set out on a good footing to make it clean, ordered, nicely squared off around the edges kind of episode of the show. Okay? And let's just go with that now. Let me take control, okay? I'm not going to take any advice like that from you,

who's a man who lives in a room like a bomb hitter charity shop. I've given it a scrub today? No. It looks like the same old shit every day. Well, there was more shit. There was layers more. There was more. Was there walking space before?

Because I can see there's space to actually put my feet down. That's good, isn't it? Look at this. I'm making contact with the floor. It's the new parks initiative. What's that mean? It's the new parks initiative. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.

What? It's not your report. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. Calypso Twins report. It's my new segment of the show. No, you can't just doot, doot, doot, use doot, doot, doot. Doot, doot, doot is trademarked source report. It's not, actually.

Is it any source? Is this source related? I'll let it go if you can put a connection. It actually is source related. Well, then don't say it's Calypso Twins report. So, ladies and gentlemen, last week we talked about... Calypso Twins. ...a song called World Party.

And it was one of the most awful things I've listened to. And in fact... Just because it was so plain and bold. Tell them about the incident. Oh, well. See, after every episode when we record, I will take some of the vinyl home that I need to, to record it. Onto your

Crosby suitcase style record player. It does the job. It does the job. It didn't in this case, did it? Well, no. It didn't in this case, because I put the record on. Foreshadowing, but yeah. So here's what happened. The song's about three and a half minutes long, right? And so, I put the recorder in, but yeah. So here's what happened. The song's about three and a half minutes long, right? And so I put the recorder in, I press record, it's going,

I put the needle down, it goes on for about three minutes of the track, almost all of it. And then it's like, and I was like, oh shit, it's jumped. Did it skate across? No, it just jumped. It just kind of jumped a bit. And I looked at it, there was no scratches, so I gave it a clean as best I could

and then put it back on and started again. When you say gave it a clean as best I could, and then put it back on and started again. When you say gave it a clean as best you could. Yeah. What did you use? What spray you got on? I used isopropyl alcohol. Isopropylmophilid. I can say it.

Go on then. Isopropyl alcohol. Isopropyl alcohol. Thank you. Right. So, I got some of that little squirty thing, and I had glasses cleaners. I got those, and I wiped it down with that. Oh, a microfiber thing.

Yeah. Wiped it down, put it a microfiber yeah so wiped it down put it on and then record plus had to listen to another plus

I'm here I'm listening to everything he's saying right literally feet away from you I saw your mouth go plus again

again what did you plus anyway I pressed play record and play and it got it got two minutes and 50 into

the track and then it did it again in a different place it jumped i was like oh for fuck's sake it's a shit record player is what it is same problem again put the record on gets a minute and a half into it and then it jumps and i'm like this is three times in four times it does the same thing within 30 seconds and so i rage smashed smashed the record. Across your knee? I took it and I just snapped it in the air. Wow. That takes a bit of force to do. I was so angry.

You're lucky you didn't get shards in your eyes. A lot of shards did pop away. There were some shards, yeah. There was shardage. Because, of course, when they first started marketing vinyl records, they were advertised as unbreakable, weren't they? Because they were made of shellac and they were very breakable originally.

The ones, the other ones. Early ones, yeah. When they had vinyl, they said it was unbreakable. But it was breakable. It's breakable. I've proven it's breakable. We all know it's fucking breakable. It's like when they've got those rulers

that say unshatterable. It doesn't shatter. They just bend and deform. Yeah. They don't shatter, do they? No. It's like shatterproof glass. That shatters.

That does. But it contains shatter, do they? No. It's like shatterproof glass. That shatters. That does. But it contains it, doesn't it? You get a matrix of glass. You get a matrix of shartage. Glass knob yours. So anyway. You broke it. Someone pointed out to me on Twitter.

That it was your record player. No. Forget this. I eventually got it anyway. Where's the sauce in this? Listen. That's what I... My nose is sniffing the sauce. I'm sniffing for sauce. It's coming. I'm got it anyway. Where's the sauce in this? Listen. That's what I... My nose is sniffing the sauce.

I'm sniffing for sauce. It's coming. I'm like in a new restaurant and sit looking around at the other table and see if there's a Tabasco. Because if there is no Tabasco in this story,

it will not be part of that segment. Right. Well, here we go. Here's the part of the story that may interest you. So someone pointed out to me on Twitter that there is

a brand new track from the calypso twins what on youtube brand new as in this year as it was released in july of 2019 what the fuck and so i was like what horror is this so i went to youtube clicked it and it is a instrumental track called kitchen calypso and it's got which is the same as that track was called World Party. No, but Kitchen Calypso's on the flip. Well, we'll never know because I smashed it now. No, you can listen back to the podcast, you numpty. Oh, so maybe he did a cover of that. It was called Kitchen Calypso, I remember.

You don't remember anything, do you? No. I recall that. All right, you don't get a reward. But it adds to the story, doesn't it? Because he's obviously just reworking. Do you know what I mean? It's the same tune.

So it's not a new tune. What I found out by my power of recall here is that it's not a new tune, is it? It's a remaking of an old one. Of the flip side of whatever they... World Party. World Party. I can't remember that side. Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it?

12 Party on the flip. Kitchen Calypso. Thank you very much so I watched the video and it is just Ainsley Harriet doing his rolling his eyes acting wacky

on a beach they're actually on they did this this year a beach yeah and his mate because I thought it would just be his mate who's doing it

no no his mate was with him as well and he's playing the guitar does he look older than he does on the camera yeah they both look older much older very old

so on the beach and I'm watching it, and then someone pointed out to me, that guy in the Twins, the blonde guy, he was in Morris Minor and the Majors. Ah. Who also had members who did that stutter rap. Yeah, that's the song, Stutter Rap.

Is that the same guy? Yeah, Morris Minor and the Majors. So he must have been the go-to comedy musician kind of guy. I've got to take this. He's got to take a phone call, ladies and gentlemen. It's my agent. Hello? His agent does not exist.

Hi. Yes. I'm good. Very good, yes. He's leaving the room, ladies and gentlemen. He's speaking to his agent as we speak about a hot new opportunity. How did that go?

Fine. Have you got the role? She didn't say, but they've obviously contacted her, so... Oh, it's exciting news, ladies and gentlemen, on Cheap Show. Just take this out. Why? It's fascinating. You knew people were excited. No, I don't want to have this...

Everyone wants to know that you're playing Dirty Uncle in a kitchen sink drama called Naughty Uncle Touchy. As if that would be a real thing. Naughty Uncle Touchy. As if that would be a real thing. Naughty Uncle Touchy. No, no, no. We're having a fucking normal show with clean round the edges. Starring Paul Gannon and Naughty Uncle Touchy.

No, I am not Naughty Uncle Touchy. I like this character. It's a nice voice you're doing. I like what you're doing for it. Oh, he's gaslighting me. It's a great voice. It's one of your best. Oh, he's gaslighting me. That's a great voice. It's one of your best. Oh, shut up.

That's great. Where did you get that character from? You must know him really well. You have to edit this shit, man. So yeah, that's it. I wanted to say one thing really annoyed me in the song. They have a bit in the video. Where is the sauce, though, Paul?

In the video, it's basically an excuse for him to be on the beach making stuff on the kitchen. Like, he's got a little kitchen, a little panel, and he's throwing sauce in, and he's going, oh, a little bit of spice, and oh, he rolls his eyes, and he goes a little bit more, and all his little catchphrases, like, do you like my sauce? And let's put some sauce in.

And his other catchphrase, I've got some sauce. Sorry, what was the sauce connection? Rewind a bit He said I'm going to put some Tabasco sauce in this In what? In the video

Yeah he shakes it in He shakes it into what? He's got a little beach kitchen set up He obviously does Yeah he's got like his little stove So like as the music video

he's like dancing and cooking at the same time and he says specifically Tabasco sauce is going in It's an advert for Tabasco No it's just he's just cooking on the beach he just says Tabasco sauce is going in it's an advert for Tabasco no it's just

he's just cooking on the beach he just says Tabasco sauce he doesn't he did he did not he did

he went Tabasco sauce what anyway it's like a little splash of sauce has he got a fucking

sauce Jimmy Savile wig on no he doesn't why did he go because he's Jimmy Savile Jimmy Savile Jimmy Savile

Anyway the song is awful In summary The Calypso Twins report Ainsley Harrier is Jimmy Savile No And I'm auditioning for the role of Uncle Big Touch Up or something Naughty Uncle Touchy

I completely disavow and disown any connection with that. What do you mean? With you, what you spew. You're the filth. The filth that you spew. Well, on today's show, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. No, you've muddied.

You've muddied the water. You've murked it. It's all a bit awkward now. I've murkied the water. You've murkied it. I've murkied up the water ladies and gentlemen on today's cheap show we are going what we've got coming up on the show though we have got a fantastic cheap eats as curated by uncle naughty

no drop it mate i'm telling you drop it yeah drop the uncle naughty touchy Touchy. Why? Why? When we rinse ourselves of all the nonce references, you just go full on. Full on nonce reference. For no reason. I just mean he's a kleptomaniac. Touchy? Yeah.

What, he likes to touch things? And he steals them. No, doesn't work, Paul. Naughty Uncle Touchy. No. Don't touch that. He should be called Naughty Uncle Steely.

No, it doesn't count. Naughty Uncle Nicky. No, it doesn't count. Naughty Uncle Nicky. All right. Yeah. Naughty Uncle Nicky. I can get into that. No, it's not as funny as Naughty Uncle Tootsie. Oh, hello.

Hello. Me, Uncle Nicky. Naughty Uncle Nicky. Oh. I'll nick that. Yeah. No. Nicky. He's I'll nick that. Yeah. No. Nicky.

He's going. He's about to crash. Oh, I knocked him. Here we go. Here we go. He's going. He's going over the edge. Come on.

I'm Uncle Nicky. Come on. There we go. And he's broken. Excellent. So, we're on the show today. We've got a cheap show. No, this cheap show.

I can't think. Oh, this is going to today. We've got Cheap Show. No, it's Cheap Show. I can't think. Oh, this is going to be a good one as well, Paul. It's not going to be. I've got Cheap Eats. Let's do the fucking theme tune for Cheap Eats. Hang on. And then I'll be doing a Price of Shite. And because I like doing it so much, I'm going to do another Showcase Showdown.

It's a Showcase Showdown edition. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to that. I can't wait. Because there'll be some fucking order in the world. There will be some good order. Four items, four prices. You've got to match them.

It's the Price of Shite here on Cheap Show. We're broken. We're broken. We're going to have to have a break. Let's have a break. Oh, the wind. The wind is outside. It brings a calming air.

Calming air fills the house of pickles. Two men. Two men working. Working hard. Producing something. Paul? Yes? Be a good chap and pass me over that box of shitty foods.

I will, sir. I shall pass you the box. Why, sir? I said be a good man. What? And then a constant... I'm being nice. You always have to fucking...

I was being referential. Hello, sir. Yes, sir. I'm not a sir. Eli, sir. What's wrong? Let's not do this. It started good.

You said, keep it simple. I'm just going to do the simple jingle. And then it's all this, you'll get me the box up. Oh, yes, two men. Two men. I thought that was good. It was good until you said, call me sir. Let's do it again.

Oh, the wind, blah, blah, blah. Into the house of pickles. Two men. Two men. That's the important part. Two men working. They're producing something. Yes.

I say, pass me the box of shitty food. Why, I'll pass you the box, old boy. It's a big box. Oh, look at that. I've got a good box here. He has. He's got a firm box. I'm wrapping my fingers on my firm box with its straight edges.

It's all very nice and tidy. Too bad. Producing. Producing. Producing. Oh, no. It is you. Produce it.

Oh, you've unleashed. We've unleashed Paul's fucking Two Ronnies impression He does one of the Ronnies Right Paul We've got different food segments on Cheap Show They're like beans

I could do that Stop doing beaners It's not a crossover episode I'll put a link on the bottom of the episode So everyone knows where it's come from Okay Just be careful though Alright

We do I'm sorry I've ruined this episode I've ruined it My fault I'm trying to keep a little bit of There's something going on here Okay we have lost our minds Let's just take a minute

Let's take a moment of composure, all right? Yeah, just breathe. Okay. I'm fine, Paul. It's you. You've started to lose it. You've lost it. You've still got the porn poker cards.

Yeah, mate. The heart as a suit is... Yeah. Terrible. Yeah. No, I just have them here. Yeah. I haven't been... They're just in the room, Paul. All of the stuff you bring me stays in the room. Yeah. Terrible. Yeah. No, I just have them here. Yeah. I haven't been...

They're just in the room, Paul. All of the stuff you bring me stays in the room. Yeah. Hello! Here we go, mate. That's my fat lady. Box. Are you going to go see him?

Oh, he's off. I have to say hello. This is a proper shit show. And he's back in the room. For Cheap Eats, which is like Brand Off, Brand Off. Off, Brand Off. That was another food one we did. We need to do one of those again.

I miss that. Cheap Eats. And we had those recently. We've had some, what did you call them? Consignments from America. What were they? Yeah, little gift packages. Care packages.

We've been doing those. Yes. But the main segment title that we use from days of yore yeah on cheap show it's cheap eats cheap eats just simple old simple old simple i've got my box here yes and i have several cheap eat items for us both to try i'm looking for give a tentative score out of five i'm looking forward to it okay what can i start? It's a big bounty today. I've got some glow sticks from the live show still. Can we eat them? Plain noodle?

Yep. Not relevant to this segment, but thank you for pointing it out. It's been separated from the box. Binoculars. It's a magic box. It's like if Mary Poppins had a mental breakdown. Look, there's this sort of plastic robot horns in blue and silver. Yep. Oh, it's this sort of plastic robot horns in blue and silver. Yep.

Oh, it's a birthday card. Oh, it's a novel by Robert Bellano. Sorry. Right, on to it. Paul, it's the Laffy Taffy. It's the Laffy Taffy. It's the Laffy Taffy. Oh, Laffy Taffy.

You can't. Laffy, Laffy Taffy. How's it go? Laffy Taffy. Literally like that. Laffy Taffy. Yeah. Oh, Laffy Taffy. Laffy Laffy Taffy. How's it go? Laffy Taffy. Literally like that. Laffy Taffy. Yeah. Laffy Taffy.

No, just keep going with the Laffy. You're putting more notes than we're in the original tune. What's it go like? Laffy Taffy. It's the Laffy Taffy. The Laffy Taffy. The Laffy Taffy. The Laffy Taffy.

Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy. Yep. Laffy Taffy the Laffy Taffy the Laffy Taffy Laffy Taffy Laffy Taffy yep Laffy Taffy see you're getting it now Laffy Taffy there's a song called Laffy Taffy

too many times now but this is Laffy Taffy the original candy Laffy Taffy which is it's a famous old school candy brand

from the states as far as I'm aware what is Laffy Taffy? Taffy is toffee. Yeah. But what does it describe itself as? It must say on the pack. Well, this is a flavoured one.

Yeah. It says Laffy Taffy jokes on every wrapper. Oh. So perhaps it was one of these jokes ones, like Bazooka Joe bubblegum. I think it's probably one of those old schools. Open it carefully so we get the joke. It does say new look Laffy Taffy. So maybe they're shorter usually or something.

No artificial flavours. It doesn't seem to have a description of what it is. we get the joke. It does say new look Laffy Taffy, so maybe they're shorter usually or something. No artificial flavours. It doesn't seem to have a description of what it is, but maybe there is. There's ingredients. Made in the USA by Nestle. How nice. Yeah. Laffy Taffy is registered. It doesn't say.

Let's have a look. I'll have a little look. Why did the... Oh, here's the joke. Hang on. Present it like you would. Why did the... Oh, here's the joke. Hang on. Present it like you would. Why did the coordinate get kicked out of class? Why did the coordinate get kicked out of class?

Why did the coordinate get kicked out of class? Why did the coordinate get kicked out of the class? Because... This is good. I like this. Because he was acting too obtuse. That would be an angle. Why did the angle get kicked out of the class?

Okay. But yeah, along the right lines. Yep. Because he was... Lines being the clue. The clue, Paul. Along the right lines. I'll read it again.

Why did the latitude the class... Almost there. Almost there. What does that word sound like? Latitude. class. Almost there. Almost there. What does that word sound like? Latitude. Yeah, what does that sound like? It was Latitude. What word sounds like Latitude?

Platitude. Glatitude. You might have a bad one. Satitude. A bad... Attitude. Because he had the bad Latitude. Wow!

I've done a joke. He's got the joke there. Walking down the road, making jokes everywhere. Wait. It's just cherry-flavoured Laffy Tummy. I guess it's just a chewy candy. Yeah, must be. Worth it for that joke, though.

I like the fact... Oh, it's very red. It's like a dog's knob. It's like a dog's knob. It does look a bit like a dog's knob. Like a very angry dog's knob. See, I'll hand it to you, Paul.

Hand me the dog's knob. What's the half like on it? Not much. Actually, it kind of smells really fake, like Play-Doh almost. Right. Oh, you've got another one.

Yeah, there's a grape one after that. Oh, I'm just going to rip the tip off. That's supposed to be... Mmm. It's pure gunk. Extremely artificial flavour. Yeah.

Oh, it's very tart. What, it is? You always say that. Because it is. I'm allowed to use the same word. You only use about three words to describe the taste of everything. Umami. Crumbly. You everything. Umami. Crumbly. You never say umami.

Crumbly. Tart. Yeah. Or salty. Salty, crumbly, tart. What's that one? You've got grape. Grape. Right. You get three of these for 99 cents. Nice. That's very cheap. And for the money, it's alright, that. I bought these in London

though. Alright. You want the joke on this one? Yes, that. I bought these in London, then. All right. You want the joke on this one? Yes, of course. I want to guess the joke. It's a great game, this. Paul Gannon guesses the punchline. Or do you want me to read it and you guess? All right. Yeah, that's better.

Let's do that. Wow, I'm having some trouble getting that Laffy Taffy down my... Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy. He's trying to swallow the Laffy Taffy. Right. Here's your punchline, Eli. Have a think. No, don't. The punchline. Oh, no, sorry. Here Taffy. Right. Here's your punchline, Eli. Have a think.

No, don't punch... Oh, no, sorry. Here's your set-up. Here's your set-up. Where should you never take dog shopping? Eli? Where should you never take dog shopping? How amusing.

So, have a think the wolf house no a bark there's two jokes on this well there must be on the other one then as well a barking school whisker land

give me some clues Paul I need some clues think of maybe places we'd go in Cheap Show. It's a pun, yes? Yes. The joke is a pun. Tell me that. It's a pun.

It's a pun. We'd go places. Charity shops. Yeah. Come on. Now you've got to remember the opening crawl to Cheap Show. Maybe that will tell you the answer. Oh, come on.

Time's on the clock. Bully hasn't come in yet. Bazaars. Jumbo sales. Oh, you're a bit out of time. Time's on the clock. Bully hasn't come in yet. Bazaars. Jumbo sales. No. Oh, you're a bit out of time. Let's go. I'm not out of time.

Eli's pressed his button. Eli, what do you think is the answer? Can I have some more clues, please, Bob? No, come on. You can be on there. Come on. Where do we mention in the opening? Well, I should take dogs.

Shari shops. Yeah. Dog killing places. Like what? Vets. In our opening crawl, what do we say? All right.

I can get this. Come on. Charity shops. Four years to think of this. Charity shops. Yeah. Jumble sales. Yeah.

Bazaars. Yeah. Discount stores. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Pound lands. Yeah.

Oh, but that's not it. But that's good. Pound land. Dog pound land. Come on. Poundlands? Yeah. Oh, but that's not it. But that's good. Poundland. Dog Poundland. Dog Poundland. It's not what I've got down here, but it's a good guess. Dog Pounding Up The Bum Land. No, right.

We didn't have to go to that. No, no. Come on. No, no. Come on. You're nearly there. You're missing one important one that you've not said. Discount stores. Think international. Come on, you're nearly there. You're missing one important one that you've not said. Discount stores.

Think international. Come on. Flea markets. There we go. Flea markets. Yeah. Walking down a joke. And I guess the joke.

Don't sing every time you get something. No, I'm walking down joke street. Everybody gets it. Who's that over there? They love my jokes, don't they, Paul? Now, to win £1,000, Eli. Who's in Joke Street? For £1,000, Eli, here's your final...

£1,000. Gag to guess on Gag to Guess. I like it. Here's a new round of Gag to Guess. Has anyone ever done that? Probably. I think there was a show called Punchlines, wasn't there? Was there?

With Bob Monkhouse as a host. Oh, that's good. That sounds like a big good show. It's on YouTube, that, actually. Should check that out. Yeah. Barry Cryer, probably. Terrible jokes.

Yeah. Well, they all are, aren't they? Jokes are shit. Jokes are a shit thing, aren't they? Anyway, here's yours. For £1,000, Eli, here's your Gag to guess. Oh, I'm nervous, nervous about this.

No, don't worry about it. You've got all the time in the world. It's a big moment for me, Bob. You've got all the time in the world. No, because you know... What can make splits with no legs? Think carefully. Scissors. Think, because you know... What can make splits with no legs? Think carefully. Scissors. Think carefully before you give me a final answer.

It's not my final answer. I need the clues, Bob. All right, well, think about what can split, but it doesn't have legs. Now, come on. My girlfriend's head? No. Under an axe?

No, that's not how you want it. My girlfriend's head? No, no. Gag to guess. Gag. That's your gag to guess. Gag, a gag. If you pull a gag around her mouth real tight don't think about murdering anyone it's nothing to do with this what can split what can split without split split the bill split the bill what can you split

with no legs the bill no that's not right that would work wouldn't it that would bloody work though wouldn't you say that would be a good one wouldn't it? That would bloody work, though, wouldn't it? That would be a good one, wouldn't it, Bob, though? 15 seconds left on the clock. You've got to get through for £1,000. Split the money after you murder a granny. £1,000. Split the money in her purse. If you don't get it in the next 10 seconds,

we will be killing your wife and child. Five seconds. Come on. What can you split with no legs? The answer is... We're killing your wife and child. No, you're not. We're killing them.

That's not nice. Oh, that's them there. Daddy, what's going on? That's more like it, Paul. Thank you. The answer is banana. I'm bored of this. Right, I'm splitting it open.

I'm opening the packet. Oh. It looks like a big fingernail. I've got a packet. Oh! It looks like a big fingernail. I've got a joke for you. I've got a big fingernail. The grape is orange. I'll eat this while you look for that other joke. The grape is purple, rather.

Sorry. As is usual with grape. Has it got the really artificial American grape flavour thing going on? It does, but it's not that strong. It's actually not as strange. The other one was strongly flavoured. This one, not so much. It's very subtle. Right, this one you'll never get. Go on one was strongly flavoured. This one not so much. It's very subtle. Right, this one you'll never

get. Go on, hit me with it. Who gives you a ticket... Into the microphone. Who gives you a ticket for parking just over the line? Just over the line. Who gives you a ticket Paul, for

parking just over the line? Just over the line. Think just. It's gag to guess. Gag to guess. My wife and child are on the line again, just as Eli's was. So I've got to think carefully because I don't want to lose my wife and child. I love them very much.

I don't want to eat this. Gag to guess. Gag to guess. It's very much like a foreskin. What? The way you have to peel it off. Peel down the Laffy Taffy wrapper. You know what I'm saying.

Don't! Look. Speak into your mic. Look, that's like a foreskin coming down off that. It's not. It's not. It's quite nice, really. It's nice. It's subtle. It's quite nice, really. It's nice.

It's subtle. It's not as strong as the other flavour, the cherry. That was very tart. That's a bit more crumbly. Just over the line, Paul. Just over the line. Sparking inspector. Well, think of people who give you tickets,

then work from there. Right, policemen. Traffic instructors. Yes. Parking meter man. What are they called? A female one, in oldie time days. Darling.

Yes, but also they have a title, a gendered title. Ms. Ms. Ms. Ms. Ms. Ms. Ms. Don't stop saying that. Ms. Parking. Miss... Miss... Miss... Miss... Miss... Don't stop saying that.

Miss Parking. Who would deliver milk? Milkman. Spiltman. Who would be the lady equivalent of a milkman? Milk lady. Milk woman. Are you really...

Milk woman? No. Milk lady. They weren't called milk women. Milk girl. Milk maid. Thank you. Miss maid. And what... Maid. Miss maid. Okay, we've got women. Milk girl. Milk maid. Thank you. Miss maid.

And what? Maid. Miss maid. Okay, we've got maid. Maid. What do they used to call parking attendants, female parking attendants? Everyone at home thinks you're stupid. Park meter maids.

Yeah. Just over the line. What do you call someone? Mistake. Parking mistake. Meter. Just over. Meter. Just over the line. What do you call someone? Mistake. Parking mistake. Just. Meter. Just over.

Meter. Just over the line. Miss. Made. Miss. Made. Miss. Made.

Just. I can't do this. Stop it. Are you ready? You're giving up? Yeah, I'm giving up. Millimeter made. Oh, fuck off.

Just over the line, Paul. Fuck off. That's awful. Laffy taffy. I want my kids and family back. Yeah. You over the line, Paul. Fuck off. That's awful. Laffy taffy. I want my kids and family back. Yeah. You're going to kill them. What's happening?

I've gone blind from all the drugs they gave me. Oh, I'm dying. Hello? Hello? Paul? Hello? Hello, darling. I love it.

I love it. I can't see All the plastic's white Are you there, my love? Oh, I'm dying Alright, you're dying Move it on, wrap it up Wrap it up

And he's broken, right, we can move on Next thing I'm dead Yep, yep, yep, come on. Next thing. Next thing. Next thing. I'm dead. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Come on. Not next thing, Paul. Who's running this segment, yeah?

Who's running this segment? We agreed that neither of us know. I know. It's cheap eats, everybody. We've just tasted some Laffy Taffy, and I need a mark from you. I'll give that three and a half out of five. Nice. Good value for money, but it's a bit muck. I'll give that three and a half out of five. Nice. Good value for money, but it's a bit muck. I wouldn't really go for that.

It's too much of a just... Too much sugar. Too much sugar. It's really sugary. I'm getting a bit of a sugar rush from that. So I'll probably go for a three. Didn't like it. Three enough is fair enough.

Laffy Taffy. Good stuff. Laffy Taffy. Next. Yeah. Mike and Ike Sours. Oh, I've never had a Mike and Ike. Are they the thing with licorice in? No.

They're the things that you get in the cinemas. We call them licorice torpedoes where it's like licorice. What we do? I'm sure you all call them licorice torpedoes. What does that even mean? What's wrong with you? Licorice torpedo?

I'm sorry that just got me It got me I used to like having licorice torpedoes When I was a kid And what? They came in different flavours Hard sugar shell Over a licorice Little licorice

Yeah A little bullet shaped piece of licorice They almost look like You know Prophylactics No not prophylactics Suppository Look like a Johnny Suppository You know They almost look like, you know, prophylactics. No, not prophylactics. Suppository. Look like a Johnny.

Suppository. You know what does look like a Johnny? A flying saucer. A bit. That's rubbish. You know flying saucers? No one looks at a flying saucer and goes,

oh, it looks a lot like a condom. Do you know flying saucers? Those little rice... Oh, the sweets. Yes. No.

They look a bit like a Johnny. They're the same size. They're round, like a rolled up Johnny. Or you could say a ten-pence piece looks like a Johnny. It does. It does to me. I always think that. What?

Get my change and go, ooh, it's a Johnny. No, it's not. You don't think that. I do. All circles look like rolled up Johnnies. All circles do. You've got problems. And if you go down to a microscopic...

You have so many. If you go to the quantum level, you have so many problems. Of all these cosmic strings, what are they? What are cosmic strings? Little Johnnies. I think Eli has left the planet today.

Little rubber Johnnies. Eli. Yeah. Just step outside the podcast. Do you want to stay up and open? We have to go up the ladder. We have to go up the ladder. Come on, up the ladder.

Okay. Open the hatch alright can you continue with this show can you continue with this show are you sure yeah

because no I will I'll be okay we've only just done one item and we're 20 minutes in and most of that was us guessing gags

we've got to just get through this price of chai items I'm just genuinely I'll be okay, Paul. We've only just done one item and we're 20 minutes in and most of that was us guessing gags. We've got to get through this price of chai items. I'm just genuinely concerned about you. It's okay, Paul. Thanks, but I'll have a coffee and then I'll be fine. I'm going to go down and just relax, all right? Here we go. Fucking cunt bossing me around.

What was that? Nothing. I'm coming back down, Paul. All right. Fucking run of these days. Right. We're back in the room, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, okay. Good. So, Mike and I... Mike and I sour. Usually, they get a lot of... Like all of these American sort of super candies, which these have become. You see them in all the cinemas in the Britain now, don't you?

In the Britain? In the old Britain. Yeah, in the old Britain. Yeah, you do, because we've kind of Americanised our cinema experience now, haven't we? Yeah, totally. And they have Doritos, hot Doritos with cheesy chilli sauce in a cinema. I ask you Well they've been

You could get nachos In cinemas For 20 years here Really Yeah I used to love it No You get all the corn chips

Put it in the cheese sauce Oh that's gross All in a big row Like a big Like a toast rack Do you know what I mean All in there Just an askasm of mess

And they all go soft It all goes chewy and soft It's horrible The corn chip When it's been in the sauce for a while. It's vile. That's what I live for. Yeah, isn't it?

I live for that. Can we taste the Ike and Ike Sours? Yes. Ike and Ike. I'm just going to make the point. Like Skittles or Jolly Rancher even, these big brands, they go for all sorts of flavours these days, don't they? All different.

Okay. Different. Tropical this, blueberry this. After dark. You know. Naughty's tastes. They've gone mad. Yeah.

The whole world of confectionery. Oh, there's three bags. With three bags. Where did you get these from? From the shop around the corner. They've got a little American section. How much? These were 50p each bag.

All right. That's not bad, is it? No, it's here. It's over here. Not too bad. No, it's bad. You can't get sweets for 50p these days anyway. Not a lot. You know, get a lot in, but you don't want to eat a lot. No, that's not too bad. You can't get sweets for 50p these days, anyway. Not a lot.

You know, get a lot in, but you don't want to eat a lot. No, that's true. All right, yeah, no, it's about right. It's probably about right. So, these are sours, though. Right, so what's the purple packet mean? Fruit punch. Oh, fruit punch sours.

Start with? 25 cents, it says on the wrapper. 25 cents. They were twice the price or more here. Import duty, et cetera. Right. Oh, They were twice the price or more here. Well, import duty, etc. Right. Oh, I thought they looked a bit more solid. Are they like a licorice torpedo?

No. Compare it to a licorice torpedo. That looks literally like a bogey. Well, it's bullet-shaped. It's wider at one end. It looks like a glow stick, a tiny stubby glow stick. It's a jelly bean which is widened at one end. Just so artificial.

You don't like those? That was alright. Ooh, that's got that intense... It's got a really intense... Artificial fruit flavour. I'm going to have another one, different colour. Alright. Because that was a green one.

I'm going to try a purple one. See, same shape. Look, it's kind of widened and flattened at one end. It's like a... Yeah. It's a malformed jelly bean. Yeah. Or a candy corn sort of shape, isn't it?

Who were Mike and Ike? Probably some guys. Oh, that's very cherry. Now, this next pack... They're quite intense flavours. I think that's the sour. I think that's the sour that you're getting. It's that tang, as you like to say, Paul.

Oh, these are all green apple. Yeah, try those. Oh, and they're gluten-free. Because you're going to finish on sourlicious, sour, intense fruit. Oh. Again, it looks like a big snot. Wow, that smells like going to the beach.

Oh, I love the smell of this. Oh, God, that smells like Play-Doh. Smell the intense fruit. It's like going to the beach. Which one's this one? Intense fruit. Oh, it's very floral. Smell that.

This one smells like Play-Doh. Yeah. Will you try the apple then? I'm trying it now. Oh, it's the same from that pack. The same. So yeah, they mix them, don't they? I'm trying one of the intense fruits.

I think these are a bit more sour, these ones. They're all kind of sour, but in a kind of mouth-watering way. Blue raspberry, I reckon, is what you fished out. That's the one I'm going for. What is it? Texas is a little bit softer. Oh, it tastes like slush puppies. And they're more sour.

Tastes like a blue raspberry slush puppy. Yeah. I think they're quite nice, aren't they? Actually, they're very nice. They're very, very artificial. Take some of those with you if you want. I will be. I demolished a couple of those.

Don't you worry about that. Next, next. Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar. Next, next, next. I've got a bit that's just dissolving in my throat. It's really yellow. Okay, so your first experience with the old Mike and Ikes. 3.5 again, I'm going to say, on these.

Really? Not any higher than our first item, which is the Laffy Taffy. I'd say that's nicer than the Laffy Taffy, isn't it, Paul? What would you rather have, three Laffy Taffys or a bag of Mike and Ikes? Either or, I think, to be honest with you. All right. Depends on my mood. Okay.

That's why I'm putting them on the same level. I'll give Mike and Ike's on the whole. I've got more experience with Mike and Ike's than you. You put them on your roll. That was shit. I'm not... I'm sorry. That was shit.

That was shit. And I shouldn't have done that. I love it. I know I love it. Put them on your roll. I'm okay. All right. You don't look it.

You look traumatised. Come on. Next, next, next, next, next. I can't stop thinking about putting sweets in me now. What? In your ear? Anywhere. Yeah, where they'll melt.

It all could melt on. The metres. That's the main one. It's the main one. Right, stop. You said put them on your own. I know. That's the main one. It's the main one. Right, stop. You said put them on your roll. I know, and I regret that. I regret it. It was terrible. It was awful.

It was really the instant regret. Next. Please bring out some food. Alright, sorry. Cucumber flavoured walkers, Paul. Great, with no further ado No further ado These are Lay's, which you all know Frito-Lay are the manufacturer and owners of the Walker brand of crisps Which is the best selling brand in Britain, it must be

Yes Now, cucumber doesn't really have a flavour in my mind How would you describe the flavour of cucumber? It's watery, slightly grassy. It's slightly grassy and cool. Almost verging into a bitter at one end. The skin is slightly bitter. Maybe, but a lot of people would take the skin off if they had a problem with it.

It has a grassiness, a definite grassiness. It's in the ballpark of grass. It is in the ballpark. Where you'd have some grass. Yes. Unless you had astroturf. Of course. Or concrete.

A concrete ballpark. Yeah. We had them growing up on the estates. Oh, fucking hell. What? It's true. On the estates. Little football fields made of concrete.

Oh, graze me knee. Oh, I'm a haemophiliac. I'm going to bleed out. Oh, come on, then. Oh, I'm a haemophiliac. I'm going to bleed out on the cold concrete. So where are these crisps from? Where are these crisps from? These crisps are from China, I believe. Okay, thank you. And they are cucumber-flavoured lace.

They have more interesting flavours in Asia, don't they? They tend to. They've got a whole different flavour world. It's like that digitiser video that Biffo did with Stuart. There was that whole thing about them doing the menthol crisps. Melon flavoured. That has no appeal to me. Lobster.

We have had pickled egg. Oh, no, salted egg. I'll go for that. I would try those. I tried that and they didn't taste like ed. It tasted more like hot. It's like kind of a very weak bacon. It's hard to explain.

Okay. But it weren't overwhelmingly sort of sulfury. No. Like, remember those sweets we had? Those, uh, they had the... Ooh. Those little Indian... Egg bombs.

Oh, mate. They were Pakistani. That was one of the worst things I've ever had in my mouth on this show. That was a real mishap. That was like, that's not going to happen today. And it's meant to taste like that, as we found out. Very strange. These are Lay's crisps.

All right, let's crack it open. Give us the Huff Report. Walkers, and these are cucumber flavour. Give us the Huff Report, Mr. Silverman.

Oh yeah. What does that mean? Yeah. Is it pleasant? It's cucumber-y. Is it? Yeah, it has a grassy.

Grassy. Almost there. Every time you do that, you look like fucking Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. Daddy likes to fuck. Yeah. Is that what you mean?

Yeah, when you slip the bag real hard. I don't know. You tell me. I want an impression from you. He's giving it a little bit of a re-shake to get the huff out. Just get the molecules going. Give it a shake there. Yeah.

But I can smell the potato more. Yes. And isn't there a slight sort of confectionery, a sweetness as well? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? A sort of candy flossy, almost. He's going to try. Right.

Well, they look like crisps. He's going to wash my palate with some coffee. Right, and I'm just going to eat mine anyway. Oh, that's weird. That's like two food memories clashing it's sweet they're very sweet but you can taste that that's not very nice at all isn't oh it's weird it's almost like a very weak cheese and onion or cheese and chive you know what i mean flavor yeah with a sweetness i don't like that sweetness that celery sweetness it's almost a It's almost a celery-ness, yeah.

I mean, the flavour of celery is like a very strong cucumber. I was going to say that earlier. It's very sprouty. Oh, it's very sprouty. It tastes just like those Walker's Special Edition Sprout Crisps from last year. I've still got a packet of those in the cupboard. Doesn't that taste a bit like them, though? Yeah.

No, not as nice, though. No, well, I didn't like them either. Those aren't very nice. No. They're too sweet. No, well, I didn't like them either. Those aren't very nice. No. They're too sweet. Do you know what I mean? They're too sugary. Yeah.

Oh dear. So out of five. I was hoping to like those. I wanted some salty, like maybe a dill. I was hoping for like a pickled. Okay. But no, that's definitely not. It's kind of a weird, it's like an artificial plainness.

Yeah. Not good. Not salty enough. I'll go for 1.5. Oh, it gives a bit more favour to it. I'm going to wash my palate with an intense fruit. All right.

He likes those. Mike and Ike's have been a hit with Paul. Well, I like very, very sharp, fruity, gummy chews and these are quite nice. Those fit the bill, don't they? Poiling happy land.

Just a couple more items on Cheap Eats, Paul. Coming up. Let's go to one now. Might be really disgusting, okay? Oh, hooray. All right, well, in your own time, I'm going to complete Mario 3D Worlds for the 3DS, buddy.

I hope you do. I hope you do. It'll be one of your fewer accomplishments in life. Paul? I wish you applied this much fucking effort to your career. What do you mean? It's a computer... Oh, come on. That is just rank hypocrisy. Rank hypocrisy.

Can you please find the food? Fucking... How do you go at me for wanting to complete a computer game? Because it's pointless. Please. Just saying, all the time you're wasting, you could have put a CB together for a better job. A CB?

CV. Or, you know. CB radio. No, don't try and change it by being a fucking idiot. Just admit to me right now that you're a waste of time. Where's the food? Come on. Fucking don't want to do it now.

I don't want to do it. Do you want a hug? No. Daddy say sorry. Don't be abusive. That's what abusers do. Uncle naughty touch. They hurt and hurt. And they go, come on, I'll comfort you. From hug? No. Daddy, say sorry. Don't be abusive. That's what abusers do. Uncle Naughty Touch. They hurt and hurt.

And they go, come on, I'll comfort you. From what I did. I did to you. I'll comfort you from what I did to you, Paul. Get away from me. I'm poking you. Have you lost weight? No.

Oh, you've got muscles. Sit down. Sit down. Uncle Naughty Touch. I nearly fell over. Please sit down. All right, I'm doing it. I've got food. Here we go. This is going to be good. I'll hand you this item, Paul. All right, I'm doing it. I've got food.

Here we go. This is going to be good. I'll hand you this item, Paul. All right. You can describe it. I'll close my eyes. I'll hand me bags of sweets. I'm handing it now.

Cheap eat item number four. Je regarde. Oh, it is popcorn. Parasa Dorian. Oh, Dorian. Durian. Durian. Ian Durian. Hit me with your rhythm crisps. Hit me. Oh, durian. Durian. Durian. Ian Durian.

Hit me with your rhythm crisps. Hit me. No, they're not crisps. Hit me hard. It's popcorn, but I imagine it is of a durian flavour. It is durian flavoured popcorn, Paul. Now, what do we know about durian fruit? It's a fruit that's very popular in the East.

Right. Why? In Asia, East Asia Asia I believe. Yeah. And it smells rank. It smells like poop. Like nappies. Like it's been described as all sorts of things. It's rotting flesh

basically. Oh great. So they've made a snack. So it tastes nice but it smells horrible. Well and people can't agree people in the west with a western palate don't always like the taste either where it's meaty it's kind of meaty it's like a beefy fruit here's the thing do you know they say like liver or something like that a large part of what we taste is due to smell so smelling is part of the process of tasting of course it is paul of course so something smells horrible but can taste nice at the same time.

How does that work? Because the sensation you have when you're actually tasting it in your mouth is a combination of the smell and the flavour and somehow that balance... Offsets it. Yeah.

I get it with cheese. Have you ever smelt like a ripe cheese? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking terrible. It smells terrible. I like it. I like to eat it. I'm sorry, I've got quite...

Yeah, you've got wind. Just taking his breath. Old man Silverman, he's getting old. Just don't. You use this. You know what you use this show like? You're like Trump. You use this show...

How dare you compare me? You use this show to attack me for the things you feel insecure about. I don't feel insecure about that. Whatever it was, I took the piss out of it. Feeling old, feeling unhealthy. Yes, you fucking do. Anyway, I'm sorry. He's not wrong, ladies and gentlemen.

Open the popcorn. Here we go. Have a huff on that. You get the huff. Have you tried these before? No, I've never tried durian. All right, here we go. So you don't know what this is going to taste like.

Open it. I'll open it. No, I'll do it. You're going to spread it everywhere, and if it smells bad... Here we go. Ooh. Ooh. Oh.

Ooh. What does it smell like? It's almost like a pickly onion. That's that smell. Yeah. Doesn't that turn your stomach, that smell? Not awful. It's not awful to me.

It's like a rotten onion. Yeah, it is. It's like a rotted onion oil. It's like... It's like the bin. It's not awful to me. It's like a rotten onion. Yeah, it is. It's like a rotted onion oil. It's like the bin. It's like a coleslaw's gone off. Yeah. Yeah, it really is like a coleslaw's gone off. Are you going to try it?

Yeah. It's not even popcorn. It's more like a... A Watsit. A Watsit pop piece. These are Jewelry and Watsits. But they are corn, so... Yeah, but It's dishonest

Calling it popcorn Well it's just been pulp And then turned into It really smells fucking bad It's not too bad on it's own You just don't I thought you'd react more I'm finding this more disgusting

Than you do Weird Oh It's very sweet But it tastes like Very very sweet But the smell comes off there Into your

Oh Do you know what I mean Oh It's like nappy puffs I think I'm going to have to Unload Mike and Ike Into my mouth The smell comes off there into your throat. Do you know what I mean? It's like nappy puffs. I think I'm going to have to unload Mike and Ike into my mouth. That's very sweet. Bizarre flavour.

Bizarre. Very strange. Popcorn, but they are more like they're cornmeal puffs, aren't they? Like a Monster Munch or a What's It? Yeah. Popcorn, Parasa, Durian, it says. Macanan, Yang, Paling, Istamayua. Right.

Sniff the bag. Halal. Sniff the bag. Again, why? Something to do in it. What do you want to give out of five? I'll give that one. I did not like any aspect of that.

I didn't find it as unpleasant as you, but maybe it's because I've got a little bit of a cold. Nice colourful packaging. Oh, yeah. Yellow and orange. And the Dorian fruit itself looks appealing, even if it smells awful. That's cool in there. And that's the Dorian that looks like a huge toothed vagina.

Is that what you're saying? That looks appealing? I didn't say that. You're revealing all sorts of stuff. Hang on, you're projecting your image of what you think that is onto me. No, that's what you just said to me. No, you just said that. I did not.

You said that looked like a... You said two vagina, two vagina. You said that. You said... And the fruit looks two vagina, two vagina. Very appealing, didn't you? Two vagina. I'm just going to say that you're having a bit of a meltdown today, Eli.

And I get it. Snappy vagina fruit. Stop saying snappy vagina fruit. It looks like one. This segment's over. No, this segment is not over, my friend. This segment is over. No, no, no. I've got another packet of crisps.

We're going to save it. No, we're not going to save it. You can't be trusted. It's something nice. We're going to have one nice thing. Quickly end on it then. I just want to say one last thing about this packet of popcorn durian flavour. Do not say snappy tooth fruit vagina.

I'm not going to say that. The durian fruit is in a sort of bubble. It's almost like the corn is having a dream about the durian fruit. Isn't it? People will agree. Where can they see photos of everything we've tried here? Thecheapshow.co.uk. There's pictures of everything we cover.

Yeah. Last item, very quickly, Paul, on today's Cheap Eats is another packet of Walkers, stroke Lays. Same manufacturers. Yeah. And I'm going to hand these to you, Paul. You're going to tell us. Oh, numb and spicy hot pot flavour.

Yeah, this might be good. Shall I go for the huff on this? Why don't you take the lead with the huff on that? I'll take the lead on the huff on this. Here we go. I'm going to try and get a very small corner off and then literally pump the air, the fresh on this. Here we go. I'm going to try and get a very small corner off and then literally pump the air,

the fresh half air off these crisps straight up the nose hole. The smaller you can get the hole when you tear it, the better. The nose flow. Yeah, it's more intense.

The half juice. It's a hard shot. The half. Oh, here we go. You like the mended idiot. It works, mate. Did it? Yeah.

I'm getting a numbing pepper sensation all down my whole sinuses. Right, good. Let's have a sniff. Don't hog the bag, man. Don't hog the bag. I'll open the other half for you. Why? Now you've let it all out.

Just smell it. Oh. What are you getting? It's very alluring. Just smell it. Oh it's... What are you getting? It's very alluring. Oh it's all wrinkly. Yeah these are ruffled. Ruffled? Right here we go. Ah. That actually tastes so much. Yeah all right. Can you feel the trinity building up? A little but mate it's not much of a flavour. Have some more. It's a bit boring. No, it's subtle. I think they're okay.

I'll go 3.5 for those. Two. I'm such a downer, aren't I? No, it wasn't that great. No, that's two beats. Great. Thanks, everyone. No, thank you. It was a bit of an underwhelming end.

Yeah. But you know what? We did the Laffy Taffy. We had the... Jokes. Mike and Ikes, they were big with you. I like the Mike and Ikes. They went over strong on your side. Yeah, probably my favourites for today.

And no shit. Paul likes his gummy sweet tangy onions. I have to say, those crisps I thought might be nicer. One of them. Which one? The cucumber or the numbing pepper, you know. I knew the durian would be... It's just a strange acquired taste that I haven't got that time.

Yeah, this segment's over, isn't it? Stop trying to end the segment. I'm going to press stop right now. End the segment. I'm going to end the segment. No, you hang up. I'm not the one on the other end of the phone. You hang up.

You hang up. All right, you hang up. Shut up! I love you. Fucking put the phone down. Why do you have to be on the high stool? Because Eli Silverman. Have you started it? If I didn't, I'd sit on the floor or stand the whole way.

There's nowhere else for me to sit in this utter shithole. I could get you a different size seat and then you wouldn't be looming over me. Are we recording, by the way? Most people loom over you, though, just by nature of your overall stature. It must be something that drives you quite mad. How hilarious. And then you know what Paul did. Bye.

Paul. I'm actually glad he interrupted because that wouldn't have been funny. Let's just start again. Press stop. I'm pressing stop. Press stop. Right, no shanning-ganning-ing. What?

No messing about. No shanning-ganning-ing? Yes. What's that? Messing about. Shanning-ganning-ing. Are you lying? No shannyganning? Yes. What's that? Messing about. Shannyganning. Are you like... Yeah, you've heard that before.

I haven't, but I like it. They came round here. They came round... I like it. Yeah, I'll give you some context, Paul. Yeah. They came over here. They came round these ways.

Came round here, come round here. They came down and round here. Came round here, come round here. They came down round here and I said... Come round there. What's that noise? Ah, it's really grating. It's a grating sound.

I found them shaniganying. They were. Who? A bunch of kids. Some kids were shaniganying. In the alleyway. The word shanigany means to be. Disturb the peace. So if, let's just say.

Make a ruckus. You're a policeman. Right. And you see me on the street. Irish Jew. And I... Irish Jew. Easy.

Work into it. You're on the street. Irish. Irish. Irish Jew. Right, I'm Bobby. I'm cop of Bobby number one. Alright.

Now... And I will... I will... You're on the beat. I'm on the beat. Doing my duty. Dum-de-dum. Irish Jew. Irish Jew. Now. And I will, I will. You're on the beat. I'm on the beat. Doing my duty. Dum-de-dum. I risked you.

I risked you. Right. Now, off into the corner of your eye, you see me. What's that over there? A naughty urchin. And I'm kicking stones. And I'm saying this to people as they go by. Show us your tits.

Oi! Oi! You want copper? Lad. What do you want, pig? Stop your shanny-gannying. And now I understand. Okay.

Right? What? What a waste of time that was. Bobby! Gonna start again? Yeah. Nice coffee, Eli. No, it's good, yes.

Nice coffee, yes. Absolutely lovely. And I do like the oat milk that you put in. You like oat milk, do you? I do. I do. I find it very refreshing. You know what, Paul?

On that point. Yes. I haven't been buying the oat milk. I'm okay with ordinary milk. do you? I do. I do. I find it very refreshing. Do you know what, Paul? On that point, I haven't been buying the oat milk. I'm okay with ordinary milk. I'm not a vegan. No. But I've been enjoying that oat milk. You know one thing I haven't been enjoying about it? Is this like vegan panic speak? I don't want people thinking I'm a vegan.

I'm just saying I'm not. I'm just saying it's not my milk. It's not my oat milk, man. All right. That's all I'm saying. I wasn't trying to make a point about veganism. No. At all.

All right. Are we clear? You gutless prick. Now, one't trying to make a point about veganism. No. At all. All right. Are we clear? You gutless prick. Now, one thing that's very annoying about that oat milk, and I think people will join me, it has patronisingly twee copies written on every single side of it. It's that thing that annoys you about those same trees. It's the packaging.

Those matey packaging can fuck off. I'm not your fucking friend, yeah? Little inanimate cardboard troop. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm into. You have no idea. You're insentient. Oh, look.

It's Valerie's over-familiar flan. It's Patrick's can't-wait-to-see-your-next-Christmas-oat-cake. Exactly. It's like that. It's like that. Those Tesco ads. Yeah. It's Ainsbury's, I think, isn't it?

Either way, you don't like him. It's John's. Beans, I'm hungover. Oh, yeah, that's one, isn't it? It's John's. I'm a recovering addict. This is soup. And sorry about the miscarriage of pie.

Oh, trifle. Right, stop. Stop now. Stop now. Stop there. What have we got coming up in the show now, Paul? Ian's remembering dad onion pasty. Oh, that's terrible. It's the price of shite.

No, I haven't. I'm sorry. I haven't finished talking about our milk. Wow, I thought you had. Anyway, annoying packaging. I'd hoped you had. Annoying packaging. Yeah. And then the other day, it was the barista edition that I'd been enjoying.

The other day, the normal milk version. Oh, I can't believe it. The normal milk version is very insipid and watery. So there's this barista that actually has some, it's a bit like oatmeal, isn't it? It's got an oaty sort of finish on the tongue. You know what I can say? You can say a lot of stuff. You know what I can say about this episode?

It's not our best one, is it? Usually you say that and I go, ah, it's all right. But today I'm thinking, here we are talking about oat milk and you having a stern opinion on them. And I'm just thinking, what's it all about? Ladies and gentlemen. Nut milk. Eli, shut your full mouth. Nut fluid.

Yeah. We get it. Nut oil. Yeah. Nut ring. Nut fluid. Yeah. We get it. Nut oil. Yeah. Nut ring. Nut milk. Nut ring. What's nut ring mean?

Nut quacker sweet. I've lost it. Right. Stop it. You're scaring me. You look so scary. Stop it. Eli. Yes. Shut up. I have. It's time to play. you look so scary stop it Eli shut up

it's time to play the showcase showdown edition of the price of shite oh thank god for that oh walking down the street I was solving jokes and my car stopped to me and says what you gonna, what you gonna do?

What you gonna do? What you gonna do? I'm gonna play the price of shite. Yes he is, he's gonna play the price of shite. What's he gonna do? Play the price of shite.

The price of shite. The price of shite. The price of shite. The price of shite. The price of shite. And that's right, you fucking idiot. I hate that version. It's not great. I'm going to do one now. Here we go.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Shite. It's the price of shite. The price of shite. The price of shite. Drop the bass. The price of shite is so nice in my neighbourhood.

The price of shite, it makes everyone feel good. Yes, the price of shite. What's it got to say? Nothing about the youth and the problems of today. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That is the price of shite. Now, I don't think it's called the Showcase Showdown, but whatever it was, what I called you when I gave you...

It's not even called that. No, what was it called? Remember, I gave you... Showcase Showdown was a different game show, wasn't it? From a different game show? No, it wasn't. It was the final round of Price of Shite. But no, I can't remember what I called it,

but you know I give you the price and you have to go to match it. It's one of the mini games from the original game show. Is it Price Match? Price of Shite, Price Match Edition. Why have you Price Match? Price of right? Price Match, yeah. Price of Shite, Price Match Edition. Why have you been saying Showcase Showdown?

I don't know, I like saying it. It's fun, it's a nice thing to say, isn't it? Price Match Edition then for all you pedants out there. We played it once before. I enjoyed it. The Price Match version of the Price of Shite

go down, Paul. In this edition, I show you four items four items then I give you four little bits of paper with prices on prices on and you match the price to the item price to the item you get two points between between bottom yeah he's lost a bonus lost and you get a bonus two points if you get all

three right all four right all four right so that means you can have a possible ten points no hang on two for each item

oh fucking hell no come on I can't remember hang on you can't you didn't really do that well a point for each one you get right

and if you get you get a bonus point if you get all four right okay so there's five points five points available can i just do that yeah between between between between between possible points okay good so i'm just going to show you the four items and then i'll show you the price one at a time get them out one at a time are you ready i'll uh give you a little breakdown what i think first item mr silverman okay he's had to be a small box it's a small box it's a small box it says Get them out one at a time. Are you ready? I'll give you a little breakdown. Here's your first item, Mr. Silverman. Okay, it had to be a small box. It's a small box.

It's a small box. It says Star Trek on it. And this is a Star Trek light and sound communicator. This is like one of their little Motorola clamshell things that they had on the original show. Yes, it was how they communicated with each other and the Starship Enterprise. That was quite prescient that they other and the Starship Enterprise. That was quite prescient

that they thought they'd be communicators. One of the fans of Star Trek found the finances to start looking into cell phones and things like that. Is that true? Because of a Star Trek fan, we have cell phones. Is that really true? Yes, it says so in a little book.

There's a little book inside of it with facts about the thing and its prop and who invented it. The communicator is used for voice communication and serves as an emergency signaling device for Starfleet. The communicator is used for voice communication

and serves as an emergency signaling device for Starfleet. This kit includes a replica of the iconic communicator, which features light and sound, and a 48 page book on the history of communicators, which features light and sound, and a 48-page book on the history of communicators, complete with full-colour photos. The book's part of the selling point here, isn't it?

There's a nice little book with pictures from Star Trek in it. Yeah. Original season. This is a replica of what they used to... Of what Captain James T. Kirk used to speak to Spotty. So the replica bit is just a cover, really. It's all in that thing. It's not for your ear, the top bit.

No, they never used it like that. They just flipped it open, didn't they? And then spoke into it. Like it was hands-free. It's got noise effects. These are real noise effects. Spock, come in, Spock. Oh, yeah.

Come in, Spock. I'm on a planet with aliens and they're all green. What do I do, Spock, come in, Spock. Oh, yeah. Come in, Spock. I'm on a planet with aliens and they're all green. What do I do, Spock? Spock? Spock? Yes? I'm on a planet with aliens. What do I do?

I'm James T. Kirk. T stands for Tiberus. Could you see if there's any lady ones? I'm having a look on the planet. There's two lady ones Right, go over there Yeah Make goo-goo eyes or something

Hey, all love I'm James T. Kirk from the Enterprise Spaceship Look at this Oh They don't like it Oh, you're lovely I'm going, let me choose my universal translator. I think we've landed on the Bill and Ben planet.

Use the translator. Spotty, I'm going to use my translator. Here we go. Open it up. And it's £10 for a handjob. Oh, Spotty. I think I'm going to do alright on the planet. I'm going to get what they call

a... A massive handjob. I'm going to get what they call a mighty Klingon tonight. Stop this bit. Oh, come on, Spotty. A mighty Klingon? That's a wangin' up. Alright, then I'm...

I'm going to get a full Romulan. Oh, she gave me a proper good Romulan. Now, did you buy this in a charity shop? Yes, I did. I bought it in a charity shop, St. Luke's in Pinner. In Pinner. That's quite far out. Yeah.

But it's just a sort of man cave item, isn't it? You just stick it on a shelf and completely forget about it. It's an affordable little stocking filler for Christmas by and large. You see them in waterstones and places like that next to the counter. It's a toy.

I got a Ghostbusters one. It's a toy. Oh, did you? Little proton pack. Oh, a proton pack this size? Yeah. Oh, so they're like a range of little ones.

Yeah, they do all kinds of miniatures. They're a little Zoltar from Big. So, anyway, that's your first item. Okay. The Star Trek Light and Sound Communicator. Are you ready for your next item?

I'm ready for my next item, Paul. Pull it out the bag. Oh, here we go. He's handing me a notepad-shaped pamphlet of some kind. This is Bob's Burgers Mad Libs, World's Greatest Word Game. Yay! Everyone loves Mad Libs, don't they? They were popular, really popular in the early 2000s.

I never knew anything about them. But they're a more American thing that caught on Britain relatively lately. Did they catch on here as well? Yeah. It was crazy. And it's what? It's just a story where you... Fill in the verbs and adverbs and things.

But this is when they got tied in to Bob's Burgers. How funny can it be? Do you know what I mean? Because it's all references to Bob's Burgers. I love Bob's Burgers a lot. Yeah, as a show, I it be? Do you know what I mean? Because it's all references to Bob's Burgers. I love Bob's Burgers a lot. Yeah, as a show, I like it, but you know what I mean? They're doing theme things because it works in the same way

Lego worked, where it was like, oh, if we just put Star Wars or Harry Potter or fucking Goonies on it and it will sell. So now Mad Libs are like, if we stick Star Wars on it or I hate that kind of thing. Simpsons. But a lot of the times, the actual games that they... Like Monopoly or something.

Yeah. I mean, Monopoly's just a shit game anyway, so it's not a great example. But do you know what I mean? It changes the nature. It doesn't go... The brand that they've used as a skin to put on these things

actually doesn't really go with the thing. No. And sometimes it bends the game out of shape to compensate. That's what I'm saying. And like in this case, when it's something sort of something you know that is a show you watch,

you can't get the real creativity that proper just plain man libs would do. Adjective. Describe something or somebody. Lumpy, ugly, messy, short. That's describing you. Unwarranted. An adverb tells you how something is done.

It modifies a verb, usually ending in ly what this is you read the rules now modestly stupidly yeah i'm just saying you know you know what you're talking about fucking just come on

a noun is a name of a place of a person or a thing a verb is an action word run pitch jump yeah a place

yeah adverb is the only one i might have had difficulty with we're past that are there any other like weird things plural yeah i know what plural is okay, I know what a plural is.

Do we know what words fucking are on this show, Paul? Do we? Yeah. Here we go. Ready? I don't want to do this. Type of food. Noodles. Of course it's noodles, ladies and gentlemen.

Exclamation. Cunt. Great. Every witty person does who plays it noun smell hole uh huh excellent

next number seven adjective big big that's an adjective isn't it I can do big

big big yeah big it's a descriptive word, Mr Silverman. It counts. Noun. Splash God. Splash God's not a real thing.

A fucking... Did you hear what you just said? Right, I'll put it down. Put it down. Of course it's a real thing. Splash God. It's got me out of a few scrapes in my time. A splash God.

Type of liquid Go on Spoffy, loud, chunky, spoff Chunky, dribbly, gooey Stretchy, spoff Gooey, drippy, sloppy, dribbly This is you You are the one who's saying it

Nasty, rancid, spoffy, nasty Go on, just say it. No, I wasn't going to. Just say it. I wasn't going to. Grape soda. Burbly, frothy, spoffy, nasty. It's all you.

Grape soda. Grape soda. Next. An animal. Red panda. I don't know why that made me laugh. Red panda. Red panda.

Plural noun. Tits. Tits. Great. Is that right? Tits is a plural noun, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Noun. Come on.

I've had Smellhouse, haven't I? Yes. You've already been witty. Coop. Coop. Coop dust. Coop dust. Thanks for playing, Eli.

Number. Eight. Adjective. Bigly. I want to say bigly. Coop dust Coop dust Thanks for playing Eli Number Eight Adjective Bigly I want to say bigly That's not a real thing No it's not Smellier No that's not an adjective

Smelly Smelly No no that's terrible Go on what then Spoffy Chunky Bisty Come on

Rindy What Rindy Rindy Yeah It? Rindy. Rindy. Yeah. It's got rinds on it. That's horrible.

That's what happens if the splash guard comes loose. Part of the body. Go on. No, what am I going to say, Paul? What am I going to say? Fat cock. No. What?

Toenail. Toenail. I refuse. Right. Colour. Blue. Blue. Toenail. I refuse. Right. Colour. Blue. Blue. And finally, type of food.

Pickles. Pickles. We've got noodles and pickles in there. Are you ready? Yes. Here's your story. Tired of the same old noodles, Bob's latest creation, the cunt burger,

it's become the most popular item on the smelling... Smell hole. It's become the most popular item on the smell hole. Genius. The chef starts with a seven-pound all-beef patty, seasoned with a blend of big spices and herbs. While the burger cooks on the splash guard, Bob prepares a secret sauce using grape soda and red panda gravy. He roasts the tits and then piles them high with lettuce, tomato and two slices of

coop dust. After flipping the meat, Bob melts eight types of cheese on top. The rindy creation also brings a tear to Bob's toenail. He cuts the burger in half to reveal the patty's juicy blue centre. Sometimes he balances a pickle on top as a garnish. Delicious. That's your story. Thanks. That's fun, isn't it? Bob's Burgers.

That's your next item. You've ruined the item now. I might keep it for parties. You've written in it for Big Biro. Yeah, I know. You're going to keep that, are you? Yeah. You like that, do you?

I do. Yeah. Why? I think it was cheaper than the Star Trek item. All right, well, you don't have to rank them now. I think a Star Trek is around the three pound, probably. Now, the next two items, Mr. Silverman. Oh, there's a theme between the two.

Oh, yeah? I'm going to give you this one first. I got this from a charity shop not too far away. Here you go. What do you see? Poker dice. Poker dice.

Complete with shaker, five poker dice, and rules of the game. Yeah. But you don't like to gamble, Paul. No, but I thought you liked poker and I saw these and I thought,

poker dice. The packaging is quite sort of 80s. It reminds me of those... Yahtzee. But you don't like to gamble, Paul. No, but I thought you liked poker, and I saw these, and I thought, poker dice. I quite like the packaging. It's quite sort of 80s. It reminds me of those... Yahtzee. Is that what they were aping? Well, it's the same kind of thing, isn't it? The photography is sort of like those Mastermind covers. The classy board games.

Classy adult board games. There's a gentleman with a glass of sherry, and a woman with her tits out behind her. This is a lady with very bright red fingernails is throwing the polka dice. Which says it's a classy game. Yes. It's not just for

blokes. It's like elegant and sophisticated. I quite like that redolent of the 80s. I think that's a 70s item. I don't know why.

I think it's a 70s item. It's quite nice. It's quite mint on card almost. It's not in bad condition at all. It's a bit worse for

where the dice have escaped but you know. What do you mean the dice have escaped? They're meant to be in a nice little hold aren't they but they fell for wear. The dice have escaped, but, you know. What do you mean the dice have escaped? Well, they're meant to be in a nice little hold, aren't they? But they fell down the back. Okay, so some of the packaging's not gone. And these dice are cheap pieces of shit.

Are they? In fact, they may well have been replaced, I think. Really? These are just real cheap ones. Like, I've got some in my tax shelf up there. You see that? Oh, I do. Yeah, they're exactly the same.

Yeah, they are nicer. No, they're exactly the same as those. The rules are on the back of the box, by the way. Looking at these dice. They're okay. I like the shaker. Little plastic shaker. Yeah.

The rules... On the back of the actual physical box. Are you just trying to beat me? No, it says on the back of the box what the actual rules are. You get to redraw. So, you know draw a poker pool. All I know is that you don't get a full deck in there. It's just like you get a 9, 10, and then a full suit.

Yeah, you've got six sides to each thing, so it can only go the top six ones, which are... Nine, ten, and then the family. Jack, queen, king, ace. Yeah.

Yeah. From nine... You said... And then it's about rolling them and trying to get the best hand in three rolls. Poker dice, yes. Is that what it is?

But you get to... If you roll a pair of queens, you can put that aside, can't you? I'm presuming you can. Shall I read it? Yeah. Yeah.

Poker dice. This is a game for two or more players. This set comprises five dice in a shaker check yeah the dice are marked depicting the ace down to the nine yeah yeah the object of the game is to make the best possible poker hand in not more than three throws of the dice hands rank in the order you know the rank of card yeah yeah i know the g of it. So those are poker hands going from a straight flush. Full house. Roll pickle. Full hand.

In fact, they don't have flushes here. A big wind. There's no flushes, right? What do you get? What's a hard dash? That's not a poker hand. Yeah, I think it is. I think it is.

I just think you just don't know poker. What about... Yeah, but then describe to me what a hard dash is then. A fruit. A fruity. Describe to me what a hard dash is then, cunt-o. Oh, my God. Do I have to explain it?

A hard dash is when you have two of one time and three of another. No, that's a full house. Wait. That's a full house, Paul. Oh, but that's what you might call it, but me... You know nothing. You know nothing. You call it a hard dash.

You know nothing, and you're trying to be the big man here. You're trying to go, oh, I know poker hands. And you're trying to... I big man here you're trying to go oh i know poker hands and you're trying to i know more about this than you okay so they don't have flushes do you know flushes yeah it's like what you would call straight you call flush i call it straight juicy no poor straight juicy you don't know the hand rankings you don't know the rankings of poker hands oh straight juicy you don't, this one was straight juicy. Why are you slapping your knee while you're saying? That's me, because I'm confident that I've got a good hand.

I'll say, oh. You're slapping it on the table. Straight juicy. You don't know what a flush is. It's a straight juicy. It's what I call a straight juicy. And what would you call, what five cards do you need in your hand? Well, I don't need to tell you, because it's the same as a flush, so you know.

I'm not going to keep doing this, Paul. I am. I'm not. I am. Well, are we going to play you because it was a flush. I'm not going to keep doing this, Paul. I am. I'm not. I am. Well, are we going to play or what? All right. How can we play if you don't know the rankings? Do you want me to go through the rankings?

You can tell me what I'm doing. You don't know what a flush is, do you? I'll roll it and then you just tell me what I should do. No, but you don't know how it's played. Well, then let's roll and then you'll find out what happens when we roll. The order of play. Let's do it. Come on.

Let's do it. No. You need to's do it. No. You need to know how it's done. Right? What? Let me just roll and see what happens. No, that's not what you do. I'm going to roll.

No, it's... Come on. Oh, I've got a straight flushy juice. I've got a juicy flush. You're really annoying me, you cunt. Play the game properly. I play your fucking golden shit games. Play my fucking game for once.

All right, come on then. Now listen to the rules. God, this is boring. Each player throws in turn. Yes? Yes. A player may choose to accept the hand produced by his first throw or she may pick up one or more of the dice and throw again

in an effort to improve the hand like a draw okay yeah a player may throw a third time but may only throw again the number of dice thrown on the second attempt okay you can't say so you let's say you throw all five and you put a pair aside and you throw three dice yeah you can't then say i'm gonna throw four you can't change your mind yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Got it. Okay. And the player with the highest score is the winner of that round. Great. Roll it in the box.

Here's the shaky. Right. Here we go. He's rolling it. What have you got? I've got a queen, a jack, a king, and two aces. Oh, you've got a flip-flop. I hate you. So I'm going to keep those two aces.

You're going to keep those two aces. And I'm going to roll those three. Put them to the side. Maybe put them to the side. There you go. Take them out of the equation. Right, two aces. So he's already got a pair of eyes.

What's he got there? A ten. Is that a jack? Ten and a queen and a... Oh, another ten. A nine. No, it's a nine. What are you going to do?

Roll all three again. Try your luck. Oh, he's going to.... No, it's a nine. What are you going to do? Roll all three again? Try your luck. Oh, he's going to... Let's see what he's thinking. Gambling, he lies. This is how he loses his clothes on his back. I'm going to keep that queen and just roll these two. All right.

He's keeping the queen and he's rolling the other two. Will the gamble pay off? A pair of kings. Is that good? Are you fucking stupid? Honestly. No, do I? Are you fucking stupid? Honestly. No, do I? Fuck's sake, Paul.

Two kings and an ace. Do you want, let's say- And a queen. You've got, oh yeah. What hand is that? You've got a happy bast. It's two pair. You've got a happy bast.

I've got two pair aces up. That's good. Yeah. Those are the top two pair. All right, cool. You can't get a two pair hand that's better than, yes you can. You can. If that was-

An ace. No. That was a king. That's the best two pair hand you can get. Is it? Yeah you can if that was an ace no that was a king that's the best two pair hand you can get is it yeah because if that was an ace the queen is my kicker card

yeah if that was the ace or a king it would be a full house but I can get a better card than that though can't I a better hand yeah

three of a kind I'll do it come on that's not very good on the whole ranking of things here take the shaker here we go here we go

you've got two pair to beat. Watch me wrench you. Watch it. Bang. Full house. Full whammy house. No, it's not. What's that?

Full house, isn't it? No, because you've got a 10 and a 9. You've got three kings. That's what I meant. I've got a Clooney. Do you want to keep the three kings? I'm going to keep the three kings. That's a 10 and a 9.

It's not. All right, cool. Yeah, that's what I meant. That's a full house. You've already beaten me. Have I? Yes. Three of a kind.

Here we go. Let's just see where we go with these two den dice. I'm going to roll the last two remaining dice. The last three. Two. Oh, look at that.

Again, it's a ten and a nine. I still win, don't I? No, you've got one more. Do you want to keep one of those? I'll do it again. One more. No, I'll do one.

I've rolled them both. You watch me. Come on. Just give me... I'll fit my knight. I've rolled them both. You watch me. Come on. I'll fit him a knight. I know it's going to work for me. Just let me have one more go. Double up quick. Come on.

God, you're so tedious. Look at that. What's that? It's a king. Oh, yeah. You've got four of a kind. Yeah, there we go. Is that me and I won?

Yeah. Yeah. Wicked. No, give me £50. That was real money. What do you mean real money? We didn't discuss what we were betting, though. We did.

You're a moron when it comes to numbers. Just because I got a full Clooney, you're upset about it. You're a moron. You're like trumping. You're trumping it. Oh, here we go with trump. You're trumping this game. Anyway, that's that.

Poker dice. Poker dice. Like a nice item like that. No, that's from the charity shop round the road. Down the road, round the corner from you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right? Down the little lane. Down the little road, round the corner from you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right?

Down the little lane. Down the little road, round the corner from you. Down the lane, cobblestones. Well, I kind of think, as you're right, she pulls prices out of her arse.

She totally does. She looked at that. But it's not priced, is it? Without telling me, without telling you what she said, she was just like, she looked at it and she went, and I was like,

really? She was, yeah. And I was like, wasn't happy. You haggled. Yeah. Did you get it for less than she't happy with it. You haggled. Yeah. Did you get it for less than she initially said?

Yeah. So you're only going to have to guess the actual what I paid for it price. All right. Thank you. It's not a nice little background thing there. No, it's good to know. There are questions available for you to ask. Paul, one day, let me teach you, like, poker. Poker dice.

All right. No, just basic poker, yeah. Well, I think I know enough. Because I obviously won you then. I beat you then, didn't I? So I must know a lot. No. I must be really good at this poker.

No. Because I beat you with a full Clooney, and you only had one juicy fruit and a half-bast. I'll try and get into your stuff, you know what I mean? You don't. Otherwise you would have been really nice to me and engaged in the whole ghost hunt. But instead, you just wondered about when you could get Keith out.

You were bored as well. Keith was a talisman of power. Right. With that in mind, here's your final item, Mr. Silverman. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And he's handed it. Oh, now, yes. Now we're talking.

Oh. We're talking nostalgia rub-rubs. Now, this is an... Oh, I'm rubbing it on me rivets. The rivets. This is great, Paul. I got this on eBay for a bargain. So I need you to tell me what it is you're looking at.

This is another handheld Tomy game machine. Yeah, I'm on a bit of a run at the moment. But this is Pocket Poker Machine. And that sticker's like all the writing's still there, isn't it? Yeah. Two-tone, green bottom, a white top, which has gone that lovely old aged plastic sort of off-white colour now over the years, hasn't it? Yeah. Two tone green bottom a white top which has gone that lovely old aged plastic sort of

off-white colour now over the years hasn't it? Slightly yellowed. It's a good patina when it's yellowed a bit like that isn't it Paul?

And it is pocket poker machine so I have five dials for each of my cards and what do you do? They're spinners are they? You pull it back and let it spin.

Ten of hearts ace of hearts Oh Ten of clubs. Ace of hearts. Ten of clubs. I've got a pair. Eight of diamonds. Eight of diamonds. Queen of diamonds.

So I've got a pair of tens. So basically, it's... What will you get? Let's see if you beat that, yeah? All right. Okay. So you got... A pair of tens. Ace kicker. Ace queen. All right. Okay. So you got... A pair of tens. Ace kicker.

Ace queen. All right. Okay. Here we go. Here's the first one. That is nine of spades. Nine of hearts. Got a pair of nines.

Ace of diamonds. Nine of diamonds. No, sorry. Jack of spades. Sorry. No, so nine of spades. Nine of spades. You got trips. You've beaten me already. Anyway, I beat you. Again. of spades. Nine of spades. You've got trips.

You've beat me already. Anyway, I beat you. Again. I smashed you. Come on, mate. I'll put a tenner on it. Come on, mate. So these obviously are dials.

I'm good for it. Put a tenner on it. It's such a dick. These are dials, and they obviously... They must have the same configuration as the dice in some respects. Very similar, I suspect. No, but this has got seven, so maybe it goes the whole way. Maybe it goes from seven. There's

jokers in there as well. Are there? Yeah, so they must have two jokers in there, so you can have an even split across the reels. I don't think they've got the full suits. No, but I think there's two delays, 13. I think they're scattered across the reels. They've done some kind of thing, haven't they? Yeah. It's hard to work out, but

it's like, yeah, it's like a video poker machine almost. Yeah, basically, but, you know, it's a plastic toy. You could pull them all back at once. Like a fruit machine. And do them all at once. Yeah. Let's see what we get there. What have you got?

It's sort of in between. Yeah, that's the other problem with it, though. If it lands on the in between, it kind of makes it a little bit harder. It's very pleasing, though, in terms of that toy meat little bit harder to play. It's very pleasing, though. It's very pleasing. It's exactly the same size as one of those Nintendo Game & Watch kind of games. Yes, it is.

It's got that feel to it. That hand feel. So, yeah. Very lovely. I think that was the most expensive item. It's got to be. All right. Well, here are your four items.

Star Trek Communicator. Yeah. Madlib's book. Bob's Burgers Madlib's book. Poker Dice Star Trek Communicator. Yeah. Mad Libs book. Mad Libs. Bob's Burgers Mad Libs book. Poker dice. Sexy poker dice. And Tomy Pocket Poker Machine.

Right. And now it is time to fish in the bag of prices and hand ye the prices available today. Handeth me priceth. Here are the four priceths. And lo, I did holdeth. What are the four priceths. And lo, I did holdeth. What are the four priceths, Mr Silverman? I spaketh priceth noweth. Firsteth.

Four pounds. Yes, four pounds. Secondeth. Three pounds. Thirdeth. One pound. One pound. Fourtheth.

Fourtheth. Fiftyp. Fiftyp. So there are your four prices Mr Silverman £3 £1

£4 £50p £50p so now you have to delegate where they go to so where do you want to start do you want to start

with the most expensive and work back or what do you want to do £4 will be the now you bought this on eBay the poker machine

yes the Tomy. And this price does not include postage and packaging. It doesn't. This is just what the price was, how I bought it. So there you go.

Where do you want to start with? I think the most expensive two items are that and the Star Trek. Okay. So I want to say the poker machine was more expensive than the Star Trek. Okay.

But that might be one of your little games. Well, I'm not here to trick you. I'm here to just... Yeah. I've got the answers written down here. I'm not cheating. They're pre-written. That might be one of your little games.

But I don't know. Something inside me, so strong... So strong. ...is telling me... ...that the most... ...that I can make it... ...this most expensive item but you're doing me wrong

so wrong is the Star Trek communicator. All right, well you just I think that's a four pound and I think that's three pound. So we'll give you the prices that I'll attach them. Four pound goes where?

Star Trek. Give it here. I'll attach it to the box. Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe not. Oh, come on, Matt. I've got to push you.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Gags for games. Gags for cash. All right, there you go. Put that on the Star Trek. Four pound come on, Matt. I've got to push you. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Gags for games. Gags for cash. All right, there you go. Put that on the Star Trek. Four pounds on the Star Trek. Yes. Three pounds on the...

Tomey. The Tomey. Right. Now, I've got one pound and 50p. And I think, because of that story you told me about the lady, who we both know, lovely lady. Lovely lady. But she does pull the prices out of her...

Out of her arse. In that charity shop just around the corner. Yeah. you both know lovely lady lovely lady the prices out of her out of her ass uh in that uh charity shop just around the corner yeah i think she probably said two pounds to you right and you went what and she went one pound oh that's what i think one pound for the poker dice all right and 50p for the bob's burger thing 50p for the bob's burger thing right before i'm gonna write these down and finalize between i need you have i want to thing right before i'm gonna write these down and finalize between i need you have i want to hear some between i'm gonna give you one last chance to change any price you're bringing with the sound of the between in paul eli yeah that that rhymed

yeah it wasn't very good though it wasn't very good so eli i want to hear i need the birds are singing because they're drunk off power and they've heard my petwinging. Right, Eli. I want to hear. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Shut up. I want to hear.

Shut up. Eli. Paul. Before I write these prices down, I'm going to give you one last chance to swap any price you want. Don't do this to me, man. I've thought it through. We always do this. I give you one last chance to swap a price.

So if you want to swap between any two, here's your last chance. Five seconds. Yeah, swap the top two. Swap the top two. Swap the top two! So you're now saying £4. It's for the pocket calculator.

Three for Star Trek. The pocket poker machine. That's the best item. It's the only item I'd have any desire for. Star Trek. £4 for the Tomy thing. I may live to regret that. £5 for the Tomy thing. I may live to regret that. For Bob's Burgers and Poker Dice, you said,

was £1. Here we go. We're going to start with the most expensive item. Fingers crossed. Here we go, Eli. You said the most expensive item was the Tomy Poga Power thing. It's vintage. It's in good nick. You said £4.

£4. You got it on eBay. It was the Tony Poga power thing. It's vintage. It's in good nick. You said £4. Between. Between. Between. You got a point there, Eli. You get a point there, Eli. Well done. Well done.

I'm happy I swapped now, Paul. It's a good start. I'm happy I swapped. I'm glad you swapped too. I'm confident for at least two points now. I think I'm going to get two points at least overall now. The next item. It's a Star Trek.

It's a nice item. It's mint on card. Almost comes with a book. It's called Good. It's good. Everything's good, man. It's a nice item. It's mint on card almost. Come through the book. It's got good. It's good. Everything's good, man. Three quid, yeah? I'll give you three quid. No, it's good. It's for sure. It's groovy, fella. Oh, this, man. Yeah, it's great, man. Just chill out, buddy. It's fine.

Whatever. Right, here we go. Who's this? It's Herman Ziverman. Hello. Hello. You shouldn't drop it in. Stop it. Right, here we go. Herman Ziverman. The next most expensive item was three pounds. But what was that item? You said... Star Trek communicator replica.

And... It wasn't. The poker dice was three pounds. Fuck me. Didn't you... I thought you got a reduction. Yeah. She said four.

Yes. You got done there, mate. Yeah. So there you go. Terrible. I just hope that my only chance of a point is that if... The next most expensive item was one pound. And that was...

Oh, dear. Eli, it was the Star Trek communicator. A pound from St. Luke's. Very, very cheap indeed. But quite a nice little item. That means I get, very cheap indeed. But quite a nice light. Let me just get another point. That means I get another point. But Eli, you were right.

The Bob's Burgers, Mad Libs book. You said 50p. The machine says... Between. So it's a between. So there you go. You walk away with... Between, between.

Two points. Two out of potentially five points today. Not bad, yeah. You've done much worse before on the show. I feel good about that. You should be proud of what you've done today. I feel proud. Eli, as a little consolation prize.

Can my worm speak now? As a little consolation prize, you can keep the poker dice as well. Well, that's very kind of you. Thank you. My pleasure. Herman the Wormman has something to say, yeah? Great. Why don't you end this segment with Herman the Wormman?

You speak to me. Do some German accent for me. Hello, little friend. Hello. You're not to me, do some German accent for me. Hello little friend, how are you? You're not doing German though, it doesn't matter. You just started me

off. Hello, yeah, it's good. Oh, okay. I'm just a German voice. I'm Hermann the Worm Man.

My name is Klaus, and I own a house, and I like a mouse. I'm Hermann the Worm Man though. Oh, hello. Yeah, so what's your deal, man?

Why are you hanging around here, man? Oh, Klaus is a mouse. Why are you hanging around here if you're German? I'm Hermes the vermin, though. Oh, hello. Yeah, so what's your deal, man? Why are you hanging around here, man? Oh, Klaus is a mouse. Why are you hanging around here if you're German? I'm Hermes the vermin, man. I can be anywhere. I'm a vermin. I'm a mouse.

I'm a fucking vermin. No, I'm vermin, my friend. I'm a mouse. I'm lower down. I'm a vermin. No, you're just a vermin, my brother. I'm literally a green vermin. You don't know nothing, fella.

Who are you? No, you tell me this right now. I'm Klaus the mouse. Klaus the what? Klaus the what? Klaus the what? Klaus the mouse. Oh. And I live in this house.

Do you eat worms? No, I do not eat worms. You know what I mean? Downstairs eating? No, I mostly like cheese. Sucky, sucky on the worm. I'm going to suck off a worm. Klaus, come on, man.

No, maybe we have some schnapps. Klaus, you love to suck off stuff. Have a few drinks. I don't know where you've heard these rumors. Come on, Ziverman. I don't know where you've heard these rumours. Come on, Ziverman. I don't know where you've heard these rumours. Ziverman can change you, man. Did you speak to Gary the Owl?

I look at you, I think, oh, there's a little fresh little thing for the Zerman the Verman to stick his little worm in. You are a dirty little man. And this segment now ends. Fucking hell, it's all business with you isn't it yeah it is let's wrap this show up thank you for listening to cheap show fine i got got through it i got through it paul if you want to see pictures or videos that accompany this episode you can thecheapshow.co.uk uh we're on twitter i'm at

paul gannon show the show is at the cheap Pod. Eli is... Can you just correct that? What? You are at the Cheap Show Pod. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It does matter. This is the least interesting part of any podcast, so let's just crack on with it. God, you're being really moody now.

It's nice coffee. Well, thank you. That's one positive fucking thing you've said about me all show. It's not true. This isn't positive. That would teach you. Oh, he's smoking and it went down the wrong hole, ladies and gentlemen.

That's how professional he is. Your Twitter account is what? Eli Snoid. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's the one. That's the one indeed. If you want to email the show about anything, you know, a tell us from the shop floor or just anything you might want to get in touch about, thecheapshow

at gmail.com and if you go to our website on the front page there is the PO box address because I've forgotten it right now

so just go to the website but there's a PO box if you want to send the stuff you've got to remember that you don't remember

anything I can memorise it I'll memorise it for the next show you memorise that one thing then you know when you've got strings

what are you talking about? When you give it a whip round in a circle. Right, anyway, we're on Facebook, we're on Tumblr, we're on Instagram. All ropey strings coming off. And every now and then we do Twitch, so keep an eye out for that. I Twitch. Right, great. I Twitch, I've got a Twitch.

That's enough, Mr Silverman. I've got a Twinge. That's enough. I'll pinch this Twitch off. That's enough, Mr Silverman. I'll pinch it off. I'll pinch this Twitch off. Twinge. Twinge. Twinge. I'll pinch this twitch off I'll pinch it off I'll pinch this twitch off twinge twinge

stop saying twinge come on fool I hate you so much mate have you thrown away those durian pops no we need a photo of those no we don't this ends this show ends yeah but we don't. This ends. Yes, we do. This show ends.

Yeah, but we need photos after it ends. This ends. Twinge. Twinge. Stop it. It's been a dark day for you. I'm sorry. Are you? To be continued...