CheapShow - Ep 154: Suck To The Noodle

Episode Date: November 22, 2019

This week Paul and Eli return to the Country Urban Noodle Test-lab Kitchen for more cheap and cheerful snacks. Eli currently has a thing for "fried noodles", so the cheap chaps take a muddled, manic and testy trip back to the kitchen to see which of this week's selection pass muster! Elsewhere in the House of Pickles, it's yet another round of Price of Shite and this week Paul is VERY proud of his really random, bizarre charity shop discoveries. Prepare to hear the very worst of "As Seen on TV" tat... oh... and there may be one or two new characters. We apologise in advance! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-154-suck-to-the-noodle If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

This week on Cheap Show Eli takes us to the noodle kitchen for some interesting new noodles Paul takes us on a trip down Price of Shite Avenue once again And more in this week's edition of Cheap Show I hate you and your fucking noodle posse and more in this week's edition of Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept.

Cheap show. Off-brand, brand, brand, off-brand, brand, off-brand. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Cheap show. It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle

Didn't work, didn't work Paul Didn't work Shall I do it again? Just You didn't back me up. I needed more back up. I needed more hype you. You want me to hype you? Yeah, a bit more. Sure, mate.

Go for it. This week... Yes! This week... Yes! No, don't just say yes, though. I need you to be more mood. Okay. I need you to be in the background. Yeah. This week on Cheap Show. Hello.

Hello. Hello. I'm hyping you. What, by saying hello to the corner of your room? It's background, isn't it? Oh. This week on Cheap Show, Paul takes us on a private... Yes, he's great!

Paul's great! Love, Paul! No, I've got... You've ruined this now. You've ruined this. I thought it would be quite cool to do a kind of..., you've ruined this now. You've ruined this. I thought it would be quite cool to do a kind of this week on Cheap Show. You know it's true.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I want you. Who's that? Taylor Dean. Oh, girl, you know it's true. It's Milli Vanilli, isn't it? Is it Milli Vanilli? Milli Vanilli. You should know.

You're the ultimate faker. What does that mean? Milli Vanilli were fake, weren't they? And why do you call me the ultimate faker What does that mean? Manili Vanilla You were fake weren't you? And why do you call me The ultimate faker? Because everything you do Is like a pretense What does that mean?

Inside You just You just don't care You just don't care About anything inside No I'm dead You are You are dead inside

If there's one person I know who's dead inside Help me There's no helping you Help me find love Help me What What Is this the helping you. Help me find love. Help me. What?

Is this the intro to our fucking... Help me find love, Eli. Help me find human... He found love. What about humanity? What am I lacking? What am I lacking? I don't know if I can help you with that. What am I lacking?

Any... Teach me. There's two things you're lacking, all right? Teach me and I'll give myself to you. That's fine. I'll teach you. Yeah. You can give yourself to someone else.

But you'll have my all. No, I don't. My all. He's making a gaping arsehole sign. My gaping all. You're gaping zero. I'll give you my gaping all. Two things you haven't got. The integrity or empathy. What's the second

thing? There's a different thing. Yeah, but you said the first thing and then you said those two things, but you didn't say and the second thing and then say second thing. Anyone would know if you're going to list two separate words, they are two things. If I've listed it as two things. Tonight on Cheap Show,

Paul takes us down to another round. Memory lane. Takes us down memory lane in another round of Price of Shy. Eli takes us to the Country Urban Noodle Kitchen. That's right. It's the canthole. And Paul smacks Eli round the face with his big cock end. Only tonight on Cheap Show.

There'll be no dick slapping. Here come the dick slapper. It's fun. It's not funny. Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. The absolutely rude sound you're hearing right now is the unprofessional behaviour of Eli Silverman having a vape smoke right now

and making choo-choo sound effects with his face and the smoke coming out of his... Choo-choo sound effects with his face, Paul. Here we go. That is not choo-choo sound effects. It is. It's Choo-choo sound effects with his face, Paul. He would go... That is not choo-choo sound effects. It is, it's choo-choo sound effects. Just admit, that whole sentence is top Paul. He's making choo-choo sound effects with his face right now.

You were making choo-choo sound effects. No, I wasn't making sound effects at all. It was silent. Why did you have to describe it? I heard you go... That's not a choo-choo noise. It was silent. Why did you have to describe it? I heard you go That's not a choo-choo noise! It was similar to. Yeah. You see, you work in this whole land

of vagaries and vague shapes in the distance. Vagrant-ries, more like. Vagrant trees. Vagrant trees. I think that's probably a thing. Is it? Yeah, when a tree ain't made of beater. It's come from somewhere else. Yeah, but it doesn't just creep up on you.

A tree doesn't creep up on you. It can creep up on you. Say that you are a gardener or a land keeper. Who are? I'm garden grambles. Oh, no. And I like getting down into the growth and having a good old muck around and getting my fingers deep down into the old.

Oh, right. I like getting my fingers deep down into the old. Oh, right. I like getting my fingers deep down. Right. Right into it. Right. That lovely moist opening. Oh, yeah.

I know he likes to put my bulb in. What else do you like doing? Oh, you won't believe. I was just walking past to go and get a cup of milk and I saw this gardener. I saw it

and he's very captivating in the way he speaks about gardening. And I tell you what, if you want to do that. No, you go on. Even rewind it a bit. Rewind it a bit.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. I'm going backwards. Right, so here we go. All right. Oh, I put my fingers in the hole. Right, where did you put them? Right, in the hole.

Oh, I am actually wanking my stiff run right now. Oh, and I tell you what, if you want a nice deep furrow, why don't you pull out your hoe? Oh, and lay it flat against the ground. What kind of plants are down there?

Oh, come on, don't stop. Don't stop, please. I can't think of any flowers. I can't think of any flowers. So, just a little diversion from this masturbation scene. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, Mr. Garden Grambler.

Oh, Mr. Garden Grambles. That's my name. Garden Grambles. Oh, Mr. Garden Grambles. What's coming up on the show? Let's see a show today. Right, well, I've heard. I've heard on the Grapevine

That we've got a lovely trip To the Country Noodle Kitchen today The Test Lab Urban Noodle Country Test Lab Country Noodle Kitchen Where we're going to be looking at Some fried noodles I do believe They'd be my favourite I say to my wife

I say, hey Titmas Titmas? Titmas Happy Titmas No, Titmas I say to my wife, I say, hey, Tidmars. Tidmars? Tidmars is the name of my wife. Happy Tidmas, the model. No, Tidmars is the name of my wife. Tidmars. I don't know why you find it so difficult to understand.

It's a made up word. Tidmars. Tidlmars. No. Fucking hell, man. Now it's Jamaican. I say, Tidmars. Fucking hell, man! Now it's Jamaican! I see. Ted Mars!

What's he coming up on that old day cheap show now? I've said it before and I will say it again. Why aren't you good at accents? Why can't you do them? It's coming up on the show later, I tell you. What have you got? I tell you what's coming up on the show later. Right, we've also got a little trip to Price of Wright Street.

Price of Wright Street? Price of Wright Street? Price of Wright Street, where we're going to be looking at some rather unusual items that poor has picked up this week. You are. And then I'm going to put my big bulb in. I'm going to pluck my bulb right out of the... You're going to plough it first, though. I've got to plough it.

Then I've got to get it nice and wet before I put your bulb in. You're moistening it with your hose. So it's all very soft on the foot. Oh, it's very soft on the foot. Squelchy. You've got those big mounds. And then you what? You fucking ease your bulb

into the fucking... Yeah, you drop your bulb right into the... Into the filth. You're dropping your bulb into the filth. No, there's no filth where I do it.

What's the ground if it isn't filth? That's what the ground is. Yeah, but I'm talking about pussy. Oh, you dirty bastard. You see, I'm talking about pussy. Oh, you dirty bastard. You see, I've said something rude. Oh, I'm going to be going now. Tidmars wants...

Because I think we've completely tied out these voices. Tidmars wants a cup of milk coming up. All right, well, I've got to get back to ground. All right, Tidmars. I'm on my way. Cup of milk.

I'm just going to wank off into this gator's mouth. Why? Why that? At the end. Why that? Because... Why did you think to sign off this scene?

That's how this whole scene started. No, you thought it was appropriate. This whole scene started with you talking as Gardner Grambly or whatever. Yeah. I'm coming along, getting some milk, and then you're talking about... No, you've imagined all the stuff about... Of course I've imagined it. It's a scene we've made up.

The genital transaction was never going to be happening. Oh, I think it was. No, it wasn't. So coming up on the show today, we have Price is Shy and a trip back to the Urban Noodle Country Kitchen. Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen. And before we move on, I do want to say we were brawled in a bit of an online scandal this week. Oh, really?

Is that the name of the... I just really like making that sound. I know, you do, don't you? Just do some more, it's fine. I'm going to do this for ages, but then just cut it down to about a second.

So, Eli, get ready for this. And that's it. I'm done. I'm done. You've got me going now. You've got me. No, come on. You've got me going now. You've got me now, come on. Don't leave me hanging here.

Come on. Right, well this is obviously us giving up. No, so. That's what you do, isn't it? It is quite fun, isn't it? It is quite fun. Yeah, but when you do it, it's like someone shaking a prolapsed fanny in my face.

It's just horrible to look at. Hello, I'm prolapsed fanny. No, that's not an excuse to come up with a character. No, I am. It's not. Right, we're moving on. No, I wanted to, in all seriousness now, Paul, before we go on to the...

Topic at hand. The scandal that we got embroiled with. Yeah. What kind of price of shite is it today is it a special edition it's three items

and it's a regular price of shite we'll keep it simple keep it simple but to the items just what the fucking point of their invention

I'm looking forward to it you know so we've got two items and you look at both of them it's called the

price of shite and it is it was meant to be it was meant to be shite I have got some truly interesting shite tonight. You don't want some good stuff on it? No.

Then it'd be The Price of Quite Good Stuff. That's a good deal. Price of Nice. Price of Nice stuff. Price of Thrice. That'd be a terrible show. No, it'd be nice. We should do more nice stuff.

No. Eli and Paul's Nice Show. Hello, Paul. That's what nightbusting can be. No, nightbusting's going to have an edge to it. It's got to have a dark edge to it. Oh, yeah. Like Baywatch Nights. That had nipples, didn't it? That's what nightbusting can be. No, nightbusting's going to have an edge to it. It's got to have a dark edge to it. Oh, yeah.

Like Baywatch Nights. That had nipple, didn't it? I don't know. What do you mean it had nipple? I thought that was the whole point, wasn't it? It was just a bit more X-rated. It had a show, so it could be set in nightclubs and gangsters and glamour. Okay, I thought it was to do with the amount of nipple you can show. No.

Let's do Paul and Eli's night show. Hello, Eli. How are you? I've got flowers. Oh, I've got a big bowl of fruit for you. I've shaved my genitals. I actually thought you might have gone along with that for a while. No, that's nice, isn't it?

I've never shaved. I know you've never shaved yours. I know I've shaved yours. I can tell from the smell. What do you mean? My balls are... Your rindy hairs. Your... Your rindy hairs. Your dirty, rindy hairs.

Right, so anyway... Smegma balls. Blackened smegma balls. Over time. Dried and crispy underfoot. Oh, the desperate wailings of Eli Silverman. Oh, going down to the microscopic level in your ball thatch. You know when I read No Context Cheap Show on Twitter?

Yes. And it's all random shit like my bike, Squeaky Tom. Squeaky Tom was my bike. Yeah, well, it sounds like the ramblings of a madman. Crunchy underfoot, let me just finish his thought. Yeah. Crunchy underthought foot. Don't look at me like I can help you.

You're on your own here with this stupid. Smegma balls. Smegma balls. Right, are you finished? Yeah, I am yeah you are finished so what happened this week was

so I've started at talk radio freelancing and I went in one night to watch Howard Hughes and the Unexplained because you know

that's the show I might I could be working on Howard Hughes is that his name yeah wasn't that the name of the guy the Welsh drug dealer

no well also wasn't it the name of the guy, the Welsh drug dealer? No. Well, also, wasn't it the name of the guy who invented the big flying airplane and he was a bit mad and he was a germaphobe? That was Howard Hughes, yeah. This is a different Howard Hughes. Radio Presenter does a show about UFOs and extraterrestrials and aliens and ghosts and conspiracies and all that kind of stuff, right? What's that known as a group?

The paranormal? I'd say paranormal, yeah. Stop vaping when we're doing an episode. Seriously, stop it. Because you don't you can't talk. You go

you go and ask you a question you go because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because

because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because I'll take it off you. Just one more. You know, I know sometimes your skirt has been ripped off by ripping off on cinema. But right now,

you're doing the Tim Heindecker vape thing where you can't get through an episode without your vape. I can get through an episode. Well, then put it down. One more. Put it down.

Give it here. No, that's fine. I'm turning it off. So, Giles Corrin on Talk Sport does an evening Sunday show. Isn't Corrin supposed to be a bit of a cock by many? I don't know. He is.

I don't know. I don't know. He's a brother of Victoria Corrin. Right. Good. And they used to have their father died, but he was that political. They used to have their father die? What, over and over?

What? Like, come on, Dan. Oh, he's had a heart attack. Bring him back. Then we'll kill him again tomorrow. What locks? I don't know anything about that, Dan. Oh, he's had a heart attack. Bring him back. Then we'll kill him again tomorrow. What locks? I don't know anything about that, but their father,

he was like a satirist and newspaper guy. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember? Just a minute a lot and stuff, didn't he? Yeah, who was he? What was he called?

Something Corrin. Bobby Corrin. He was not called Bobby Corrin. Alex the Corrin. He was not called Alex the Corrin. Because you know who I'm calling? You know who I can tell? Because there's no one who's called Alex the Corrin. Well, maybe there is someone called Alex the Corrin out know why, Paul? You know why I can tell? Because no one's called Alexter.

Well, maybe there is someone called Alexter out there. Only a fat-tongued, free-brow idiot like you would say Alexter. Anyway, Giles Corrin, on Sunday, in the evening... He's on the same station as you. And he has a segment now called Desert Island Crisps. Right. And it's where guests come in and they talk about their favourite snacks, right? Now...

Snacks or crisps specifically? Crisps, I think, but... They're not allowed snacks. This is where we're better because we've got the whole league of snacks. I need... Before you make... Ah, yes.

But, but... And crisps. Listen to the story before you make too many judgmental calls. Okay. They called it that night, for whatever reason, Inheritance Snacks because it was like the snacks of our youth. Memory. They called it that night, for whatever reason, inheritance snacks.

Because it was like the snacks of our youth, memory, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Retro snacks. White dog poo, blah, blah, blah, blah. Reverend, who is always on TV, and he was on my dancing, or whatever. What, the cool reverend? Whatever.

He was on, and he brought in caviar. And I was like, that's bang out of order, those rules. And he also brought cheddars in and something else. Anyway. Long story short, that's bang out of order, those rules. And he also brought cheddars in and something else. Anyway, long story short, that's what he's doing on his show. Oh, his inheritance snacks? Yeah. It's not Desert Island Crisps? No, that's what he calls it. Oh, it's complicated. Look, the point

is, he did this format, right? And then on Twitter, oh, a podcast called Desert Island Crisps where guests come on and talk about the crisps and blah, blah, blah. And they went, oh, Mr. Corrin, you can't release that as a podcast because Desert Island Crisps, where guests come on and talk about the crisps, blah, blah, blah. And they went, oh, Mr. Corrin, you can't release that as a podcast because we already have that name. And we've been doing this and we're the pre-most.

And I was like, well, well, sir. And that's where I stepped in. This is my error, but I stepped in. Right. Because I saw this. Because Steve McNeil from Go 8-Bit, he'd put, oh, crisp war. You had to step in.

I stepped in. You had to defend in. I stepped in because when I was You had to defend the cheap show territory. No, it goes back further. When I was working at Cellador on Sam FM, I was working with Paul McCaffrey, a stand-up comedian. And back in 2016 or 2015, whenever it was I started there, we did Desert Island Crisps. Same thing.

And it's not new. So I just went, mate, I'm just saying, we're doing this as well and then that exists and there's another Twitter account with that name as well did you mention the league I did also bring in

the league of snacks the league is our whole fucking trademarked approach to this whole issue unlike people who just go I remember cheddars remember cheddars

and bino and dandy and wizards and popstickles mum would take a white dog poo and grate it onto our our spaghetti hoops you could leave your door open

all day and no one would ever rob you yeah that stuff you know and then no we go here's the crisp

here's the evaluation we touch on nostalgia because it's important for certain brands it's one aspect but we are a scientific peer group measuring

objectively snacks empirically measuring objectively snacks empirically measuring the snacks unquestionable empirical snacks and crisps

and crisps it's very important it encompasses all snacks so I was just saying I'm going to step up I just said to them I'm stepping up the argument right

but just to know you just know this just you know this Giles none of you are original so where did this podcast come from? How many fucking listeners are they fucking at? Well, I don't know.

That doesn't matter. My point is that Giles Caron wanted to carry on doing the segment that named, and they said, please don't because we have this podcast. They think they're going to lose listeners? Well, we just don't know, do you? But if you've got a big name doing a project like that, and it gets put out on a big system like wireless. People would think that the podcast was ripping him off, maybe.

Or whatever. So he went, oh, we might just push on but change the name but keep the format and I was like, you do you because we've got something

a bit more special over here. It's a bit more scientifically rigorous, isn't it? It's not about inviting fucking reverends in. We're talking about caviar. Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, you used to eat caviar, did you? Oh, you're a reverend. Some fucking posh mum spoon it into your posh little gob as you sat in a high chair made of mahogany out of her quim?

Wow. I was with you, weirdly, right up until the out of her quim part popped up. I just knew I was going to say that. I know. Right, well,

it's now time to go over to Eli's Country Noodle Kitchen. So that means I must get on my magic carpet. Got a great episode of that coming up for you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to get on my magic carpet now and take a trip to Eli's Country Urban Noodle Test Lab Kitchen. Are you going to fly out that window? I'm going to go out the window.

But why don't you join me? Open that blind. Why don't you join me, listener, as we go to Urban Country fucking blah, blah, blah. I'm going out the window. Out there. See you, Paul. Bye.

Off I go. Ah, thank you, Paul. Yes, here here i am flying over northeast london flying on my magic carpet to head towards eli's country urban noodle test lab kitchen for one of his magical noodle treats so uh i hope i've got my appetite so let's Oh, the window's open, so he must be awaiting us. Here we go. Flying in now. Oh, here we go. Close the window.

Oh, hello, Mr. Silverman. Oh, hello. Come in. Hello there, Paul. How are things in the Noodle Test Lab kitchen today? Face the camera. Fuck your camera. I'm not...

I can't face... How can I face both at once? What? Don't fucking tell me what to do, yeah? Ask me the question again. We started so politely. We really did. I flew in.

I was like, oh, hello, Mr. Silverman. That's all good. All the flying in is fine. Okay. But just ask me the question again. How, how, how it is. Why are you standing so far away? That's what I don't understand. You're backing against the wall. Just come towards me in the light. And then you can do side on. Right. Oh, hello, Mr. Silverman. Hello there, Paul. Hi. How are things in the country urban noodle test

lab kitchen today they are very much emphasis on the test lab today paul this is going to be a real connoisseur's edition of the test lab noodle kitchen uh today paul because we're going to look at very specifically and i hope you've brought your top tasting game. Yeah? Yes. Your top taste buds ready to test the noodles. Yes, I brought my top tasting taste buds to help taste the noodles today. Now, Paul, I've got all of the things we're going to be trying today.

Right. All laid out here. Yeah. Perhaps you want to walk. All laid out here. Yeah. Perhaps you could want to walk down the line with me. Yeah. And just describe for everyone what you see in the kitchen today. Shall we start with this one then? Yes.

Well, this one is, oh, it's by Nissin, and it's called Soba, and it's simply a classic fried noodle. There we go. So what's special about this one? Well, do you recognise the Nissin name? So, Nissin, is that the company that made the soup that the dragon made us eat? No, that is Sam Yang.

And it wasn't soup. That was a stir-fried noodle. Nissin are the original cup noodle makers. They're the company that made the first instant ramen noodle. Really? Yes. What about that company that does the fancy ones?

What fancy ones? I need more from you here on this. You know there's those fancy cut noodles, and they look all fancy drawn, like Chinese or Japanese. Those are Nissin ones. And on the back it says, here's the history of noodles. Yeah, yeah, those are Nissins. Yeah. Oh.

These are Nissins. Now, and these Soba ones, Soba is a Japanese sort of stir-fried dish, which is kind of very saucy stir-fry. Like the egg noodles or rice noodles are coated in a thick sort of, a slightly sweet Soba sauce, yeah? It's a particular dish is what I'm trying to say. And it has bits of cabbage in. These have been recommended to me. And so I'm going to try these out for the bits of cabbage in. These have been recommended to me.

And so I'm going to try these out for the first time. It's a stir-fried style noodle, which will have some kind of juice pack in there. So boil, rinse off, throw in a pan, cook. And I'm going to have to employ you, if I may, Paul, to help with the mixing. Because today on the Noodle Test Lab kitchen, we have three of these stir-fried

style noodles so how exciting draining all three noodles today paul okay starting with the soba i have my miss gimmings because i tried one that was a sober i think it was a different company but it was air sober offering and it was very mulchy do you know. Mulchy in the mouth. Yeah. Sludgy. I want some spring in this. I'm looking for some spring. What does that mean? Well, something that, like the noodles have some texture.

Just not a mulch, all a mulch. You know? I mean, I literally don't because the words... Because you, you know why you don't? Because you've got three

fucking perceptions of reality. So it's either tart, crumbly, or sharp. Moving on. What's next? Down the line. Right. I can't. This.

Read on the back. It is a Szechuan broad noodle sesame paste flavour. Szechuan. And there it is. There it is. There it is. Sishwan. And it's got a little fella on, pointing to the sky. He looks like a little superhero.

He does. Like a noodle superhero. He's got his own pants outside his tights thing going on. Noodle superhero. He's probably got a name, doesn't he? But this is a very much, very much a Chinese noodle. Same process, boil, drain, stir stir fry we'll have several pop uh if you can look there's it's sort of a pour-on sesame sauce that we're going to put on top of these broad noodles

but this is i don't know what they're called this company they're called baijia baijia there oh but they make the one that you've enjoyed broad noodle with the chili oil that we've covered before. Yes. Hot and sour. Yes. Yes. That could be delicious like that.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. And finally. The name of this last one just sort of appealed to me. You know what I'm saying? The name? Yeah.

It sprang out of me. And the brand, Indomie, is a strong contender in the world of noodle brands. Let me show you. They've got lovely ones. Their sort of Indomie sort of trademark is a beautiful two-packer with a very gingery oil pack. This is an Indomie onion chicken flavour. So now what do we do? Well, we're going to have to get boiling, Paul, because all of these need

a boil, so I'll get the kettle on, shall I? Let's get the kettle on. How exciting. So he's filling the water. So we have to boil them three times over. Well, no, because I haven't checked the actual, but some of them will just be stand, just

standing in boiling water. So we can put it in the bowl and we stand it in it. Do you see what I mean? So it's not going to take forever as we boil this thing three times. We'll have to look. We may have to boil it three times. We should have done two, not three.

Listen, mate, people demand noodle content. I want to give them quality and quantity of noodle-based content. And that's what this is. And you haven't even got the fucking energy today to play up to it. Just accept it. It's very interesting to you as well. I think you're a wretched bore.

No, you're a wretched bore. I just listened to you fucking talk about computer games for about two and a half hours. He was playing on my Switch. So now the kettle's going to boil for a bit. Well, whilst we check what the fucking... I need some help from you to be checking

what you do with the sober. Right, well I'll look at this one. Look at the sober. That won't tell you. Only I know. It will make... It does tell you on the bottom, actually. Alright, but I was going to do it in order. Serving suggestion. I was going to do it in order can i do the

sober first i'm just reading you're making things confused i'm just reading it doing this in the order that i set them out in which is the sober i'm sorry to be a dick about this paul but just just my point is all i'm doing is readings. What if I read that and the effect of me reading it means you have to change your plan? Nothing will change the order. I'm still fucking reading it. It says, put the noodle into a bowl and pour boiling water over it.

Cover with a lid and stand for five minutes. Then drain and add all the sauce sachets. Mix well and serve. Okay. So... You've ruined the order now. I've ruined the order, but I've literally just fucking proved my point.

You did, sort of. Well, anyway. No, I did, actually. Okay, whatever. Don't make a big deal about it. Get down on your fucking knees and say sorry. I'll do more than that if I get down on my knees. Right.

The Sichuan Broad Sesame Paste Noodle is what we're going to start with, because you steeped that for five minutes, as you helpfully read out. Okay. Fucking yes! Now let's get this open and describe this, Paul. That might have been my finest hour on this podcast. These are literally exactly the same as those other ones, remember?

They're very broad. A little nest of broad noodles. A little nest, a little pad of broad noodles a little nest a little pad but look at the the packs here it's just we've got a three packer on this you've got the sauce pack that's the sesame sauce which i think you put sort of drizzle on over yeah and what does that remind you of that a colostomy bag does that remind you of that? A colostomy bag. Does that remind you of a colostomy bag, ladies and gentlemen? It fucking does. Look, if I had it there.

It's the latest style. You wouldn't get a see-through colostomy bag, would you? That would just be terrible. Anyway. But, you know, I'm not mocking those with colostomy bags. He was. I was not. Got camera footage as well of you prancing about.

We've got a powder pack, a soup base, and also soy sauce. And now with these, the mechanics helps with these, as you know, because with these ones, they can be, because they don't have water on once you've drained the water off, the powder can be a bit reluctant to dissolve. But they helpfully include a wet pack of sweetened soy sauce that kind of helps to dissolve it all into your noodle whilst you mix it yeah yeah okay right so we're gonna get the water re-boil it's literally just done hot as possible to get the good steepage out of it okay we are going to steep this

sesame paste flavor one for five minutes that's exciting so he's going to now steep this in the hot water for five minutes. Have you got a lid to put over it? I'm going to use one of these plates here. It's very good. So he's just covering it in boiling water just just. You want to get as much in as possible of these because you're going to drain it all out anyway so you don't have to worry about i just put my foam in the hot water sorry okay so that's ready to go should we see how these others are prepared because we might need to boil some of these stand out the way of the fucking camera i don't want most this video to be your fat arms it's not it's a podcast paul i'm also thinking about the people watching it. What the fuck then?

This is not... I didn't agree to this. You actually did. The minute you joined Cheap Show, you agreed to everything I ask you. No, I didn't. No, I don't. No, I didn't.

Fuck your camera. We're doing an episode of the Noodle fucking Test Lab Kitchen. Urban. Twat. Sober. you haven't been sober in a while oh nice

Eli already had some noodles before we got started today he did it on purpose he couldn't wait no I eat noodles what do you think

I am you think I don't talk what I walk walk what I talk yeah on the noodle front you think I'm a noodle hoax I don't think you I walk, walk what I talk, yeah? Yeah. On the noodle front. You think I'm a noodle hoax? I don't think you cash those mouth checks.

I cash checks my mouth checks. Come on. So does this one need a pan? Yes. I don't know. I'm looking. Where's the Brit? Don't fucking put the pan down.

Where's the British? Here we go. Fried noodles with classic flavour. Nice. What does classic mean? It just means the plain, the normal? Here we go. Fried noodles with classic flavour. Nice. What does classic mean? It just means the plain, the normal, normal soba flavour. Which is a kind of sweet sort of soy sauce-y almost. Basically like saying ready salted. Yeah. Which is what is good for us because we want to go in on the ground floor with these sobas

and actually I want to actually say whether they're sludgy or not. I fear that they are sludgy. Ingredients that is, that isn't the directions. Here we go. want to actually say whether they're sludgy or not. I fear that they are sludgy. Ingredients that is, that isn't the directions. Here we go. In a pan, yeah here we go, 250 millilitre of water boil, two to three minutes. So now we're boiling this one up. Well this is interesting ladies and gentlemen, we're now getting the pan on and once again we now have to reball the kettle right next to the microphone on the camera. But Paul, he, erm... Oh god.

Yeah? This one's going to be ready soon for us to taste. So we can do that, it actually works out because this one can be boiling, this one we can be tasting yeah. What's that last one do? Good point let's look at that now how we prepare the last one. This one has a graphic on it. I find the graphics pleasing for the directions. Now what do you think, there's a circular graphic. That to me looks like we have to do that in the pan as well that's another pan based so pan boil drain add to bowl mix i've got two pans i can get two pans on the go at once let's

do it let's do it we're gonna go two pans time in the fucking test lab kitchen we're looking at some fried noodles today paul which which of those do you think you're going to prefer? I might end up liking the broad noodle More Even though it has that paste I might like it, it might go well It's a sesame, I bet it's like a sweet paste Yeah, I can imagine that Almost like a peanut buttery

Yeah But with sesame instead, yeah Yeah So you're going to like that You think you might like that the best, really. It all depends what the flavour is for the next two. Do you like the flavour of onion and chicken? I mean, I don't not hate it,

but it seems like a weird thing to advertise, onion chicken. It's like saying tomato bacon. I think it must be something that is popular in a certain country or something. Indomie have, like, great, they have stuff from Malaysia and stuff. That kind of food. So they have nasi goreng, which is Philippines, I think. It's a Filipino dish, maybe, or Malaysian. You know, they've got that kind of stuff, Indomie.

And they're very, I like it. They're very delicious. Just the normal Indomie vegetable flavor is a fucking two-pack connoisseur you know it's just like you can pimp that with the veg the range of veg pimping that you can lay at the feet of an indomie vegetable flavor with its fucking oil pack of joy it's it's so i respect Indomie is what I'm trying to say. Well, there's anyone who knows about

pimping, it's going to be Tupac. Isn't it? Tupac? Yeah. Is that like a hip-hop joke? Yeah. That's not the type of pimping I'm talking about. It's pimping. It's what, running girls on the street, yeah?

Is that what you do, Paul? No further questions, Your Honour. Right, let's have a little walk over here. What have we got over here in the kitchen? There's a big Mickey Mouse. This is a... Afro. Yeah, 70s Afro soap dispenser. Then we've got a little werewolf.

Have we covered him before? Yeah. Werewolf in dungarees. A giant Kinder Superman. I think we did that on the show, didn't we? Yeah. And this that came back from Taiwan, which is quite nice, isn't it?

Nice piece. It looks like a sort of robot mole creature coming out of the ground and then grabbing our hero who's this blue fellow. Looks like the genie from Aladdin. He looks a bit like the genie but he's got like a rocket pack on. And it's quite, it's got a bit of movement to it, that vignette,

doesn't it? Your kettle's boiled. Your kettle's boiled. My little pony sweet dispenser. Yeah, we've called it on the show. Your kettle's boiled. Also this. Your kettle's boiled. My little pony sweet dispenser. Yeah, we've called it on the show. Your kettle's boiled. Do you want to maybe sort that out? Well, thank you.

Got it going. I think we're going to need the pans the other way around, actually. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to use the bigger pan on that one. Get this one going, please. Which one's that one? That one.

Here we go. Woof. That one's got going. Oh, it's going. Easy now. He's adding the water to both of these hot pans. This is a thrilling time in the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab kitchen. I'm on the edge of my seat.

We're going to get both these noodles going at once here, Paul. That's the idea. Yeah. Pour this water right up! It's like he's a DJ of noodles and he's cross-fading the noodle, my friend. He's got two platters on the go and he's mixing and scratching noodle, noodle, noodle. Let's just check the times. Let's not be flippant. And let's check the times that they suggest for these.

Two to three minutes. Oh, these are quite complicated. With these sober, you're meant to sort of boil the water off. So we need an exact measurement on these. Oh, mate. You fucking have wanked this. Can we need an exact measurement on these. Oh, mate. You fucking have wanked this. Can you hand me the measurement?

I don't need to read the instructions apart from then and apart from then and apart from now and apart from then. So we need 250 mil only. So, Paul, if you want to look at this. Yeah, go on. Oh, shit.

There we go. 250 mil. Wait, stop. That's almost spot on well played yeah a bit over but that's about it he did it he did a good job there 250 right out the pan poured it straight off didn't i yeah and you were looking at miller yeah okay see so not very much water so little amount what you're wanting it to do is just boil it all off. So after two to three minutes, most of the water is gone. It's a very damp noodle, a soba.

It's still a fried style. And it's in the pan. It's not even covered. It's not even covered. That'll work. It'll soften up and it will help. It will. It will seep.

We'll put that up a bit. And then we've got the two packs in the soba. A dry pack of flakes. Dry pack of flakes. And then look at that, that's the goopy, goopy, that's the soba sauce. Goopy soba sauce. Okay.

Now let's get the endo. Get the endo-mimo on. In the chicken, this is gonna be much easier, isn't it? It's just drain it, you just drain it. I feel alive all of a sudden, Mr. Silverman. I feel alive! You've only cooked for two minutes this. So let's get this going. Look you see it's a bit dry on top still so maybe yeah. Oh, brilliant. Gonna get all the moisture going through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an expert. He's mixing, he's cross-feeding between the two. I mean I

might actually put a little bit more water in that first one. Just a splash. Yeah, just a splash. A splash in there. Oh, I wish you could see this, but I'm plugged into the wall and it's a tiny cable. Now that is boiling vigorously, our pan for the chicken onion. I'm just going to plonk the fucker in. And plonk it in.

And it's just a regular noodle pack. It doesn't look any different than the usual commoner garden noodle pack you get off the supermarket shelf. Another great thing about Indomie noodles is the soup base always has a chilli pack, like a sub-pack, attached to it. And that means if you don't like it hot, you don't have to use it. Or you can do a little bit of the chilli. You can control the chilli. Indomie's is a class act they're a class act and

look this is the famous oil pack look at that that looks a bit spoffy deliciousness there tramp spoff it's a bit tramp spoffy right oh look at all that it's still boiling off we're gonna just prepare these all at once i think is what we should do. We can get started on that one I think now while these two go at it. Well they don't need much longer. Really? Oh sizzling, sizzling. Yeah, the sober one is boiling on a very small amount of water. Do you think this has had five minutes, the broad one? Oh definitely it's had five minutes, I would say it's more like seven what we need to do

is for the broad one we're going to need to prepare with with stirred noodles prepare your palate you know what I mean

smear your shit out on the plate ready to dump the noodles on and smear it all around because it's all about getting the smear on it's all about getting the

the sauce uh distributed yeah onto the noodle packs and look you see, this is the problem. It's coagulated, this one.

Oh, it's become very powdery. No, lumpy. Show a bit to the camera. Fuck you. Lumpy. It's become lumpy, not powdery. It's the opposite of powdery.

It's become like powder. No, lumps. You twat. Like chunky powder. Now, I need to drain this. can you keep an eye on that one? I'll keep an eye on that. Look I'm moving it, I'm moving it. That needs to stir then. Oh it's split. Yeah look at that. Maybe we should have mixed it up a bit first.

No that's okay. It's softening up a treat actually. Alright it's softening up a treat says Dr Silverman. Yeah it just needs a bit more. Bit more. Bit more of the water to come off but we don't want all the water to come off because that will burn it. No but you also need it for the sauciness. You'll burn it. You need it for the sauciness. You need a little bit of coagulator. You've had me, that's sieve that's in there.

The dirty one. Is it dirty? Give it a little rinse. Oh God. Didn't sign up for this. Give it a rinse Paul. I'm rinsing the sieve. I've never rinsed a sieve.

I've never rinsed a sieve. I've never rinsed a sieve. I've never rinsed a sieve. I've never rinsed a sieve. Oh God! Didn't sign up for this. Give it a rinse, Paul. I'm rinsing the sieve. I've never felt so alive. I'm turning this, er, sober off. I need you to be in control of that. Of what? Sober. Right. It's these two. Right. I can't. I'm frightened.

I'm frightened. There's too much going on. Paul, stop being an idiot. It's too exciting. Shut up. Just keep your head. Now. It's ready.

Here we go. I'll hold it. You drain it. Here we go. Holy shit. You're giving me some fucking notice. I nearly dropped it. Give me a shake. Give it a shake. I'm giving it some fucking notice and he dropped it. Give me a shake.

Give it a shake. I'm giving it a shake. Shakey shaky. Dump it back in. In the bowl? Yeah. In the bowl. It's in.

And now he's added that spoffy powder in. But I need a mixing. That's fine fine i've taken the water off i know you've turned the heat off it's good this still got the onion chicken maybe matt's give it a little bit longer all right yeah maybe a little maybe a minute more right see it's not dissolving easily but we need to get that as dissolved as possible let's get the uh let's get the soy sauce influence on there i'm going to give this a little huff because i'm oh it's very vinegary smell that oh yes it's very tart oh god i hate you sometimes fucking hell right i'm mixing that one in he's mixing it up and then we have the pistachio sauce.

Yes. My cloths and my bag. Yes, that's unfortunate, isn't it? I just found it in my thumb. In your pocket? Yeah.

I was playing with my life in my pocket. You're like a fucking youth. And I'm going to drizzle this sesame paste sauce liberally all over the noodle. Now it looks very different from the cover where it was like green and thick sesame sauce.

So maybe it was kind of saying, here's how it would traditionally look if you made it in the kitchen separately. But this is a facsimile. Well, it's not that much different. It's kind of sitting on top of the sauce, isn't it? I thought the sauce was gonna be a lot thicker and that's very kind of balsamic texture. Yeah, it's a bit watery, you're right. But let's get the soba going.

I'll just get that one last little mix and we can leave that and then try them all at once. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Excellent. Now, he's adding now the herbs. The dry herbs. The seasoning to the plate. I think there's not enough moisture. There's not enough. So I'm. The seasoning to the plate. I think there's not enough moisture.

There's not enough. So I'm just going to add a little. He's adding a little bit of hot water. Just to get it going again. To the soba. Just to give it a little bit of a moisture. Put that on there. Oh, look.

He's added the water and the noodles onto the thing. And now here's the soba sauce. Soba sauce on. You really want to try and get the noodles onto the thing. And now here's the sober sauce. Sober sauce on. You really want to try and get the distribution good on this. You know what I'm saying? Yep, that's gone on there. Right, that's on. He's dumped his muck on it.

He's draining it off into the sink. No, is he? What's he going to do? What's he doing? Just a little bit. He's just taking a little bit off. Right, so, good. We've got this, we've got that.

That's great. Now the onion chicken. Onion chicken is going the way of the broad noodle. It's getting sieved. Straight in, no fucking about, bosh. No fucking about. And they're just a joy to prepare, these Indomie ones, really. You know? A joy to prepare.

I'm putting the powder on. Powder on the plate. Pardon me. Noodle on the powder. Forking the noodle. Forking the noodle. Do we want it with the chilli or without this onion chicken?

Come on. It's always gonna be with chilli, isn't it? The only reason I would suggest not is if you wanted to just taste it first without. The chilli, no, I'd want it with the chilli because I always would. Good. Now, where is the joint? This is it. This is it.

This is the top item in the kitchen today, which is the oil pack from the Indomie, if you ask me. This is pure deliciousness in a sachet. Well, here he goes. He's adding it now. In a sachet. Oh, get that squeezing on. Get that squeezing, squeezing. He's squeezing, ladies and gentlemen. He's adding it now. Oh, get that squeezing on. Get that squeezing, squeezing. He's squeezing, ladies and gentlemen.

Squeezing on the noodles. There, they're ready. I mean, obviously, I would pimp this. But we're just doing a straight ahead taste test today, aren't we? Just assume I've zoned out. I literally just zoned out then. Shut up. It's time for you to taste the noodles I'm looking forward to it

Time has come Just to remind everyone The time has come Hang on The mic is nowhere near your mouth The first noodle we'll be tasting is The Heijia Sichuan Broad Sesame Paste flavour Now tuck in there there Paul. Here we go, I am now

going to tuck in, bear with me. No! Just going to roll it around the fork. Get some of that sauce on there. Look at that. Look at that, I'm getting a great big wodge of it on. Getting a huge wodge of it there. Ooh! What's that like? It's very satisfying It's got a very nice kind of creamy peanut buttery aftertaste to it Very peanut buttery isn't it? It's very, you know what, it's comfort food kind of flavour Yeah, yeah, yeah Mashed potatoes and sausage rolls A little bit of spice, a little bit of heat

A little bit of heat but enough heat to make it a bit more interesting It's pretty good isn't it? It's very good actually isn't it? It's very good, actually. I really like that. It is that comfort, sort of that mouthfeel from the sesame seed. Nutty.

It's sort of velvety in the mouth almost, isn't it? Velvety in the mouth. Wow. That's... All right, let's move on. That's a very strong... How much was that?

I think they come out about 70p. 70p? That's really nice. Back in the room. Right, we're on to the next one. You enjoyed that, though, yeah? I enjoyed that one. Was that a surprise?

I don't think it's going to get better for you than that. So what's this next one? Oh, it's very... Hang on. Do you know what? I just want to show to the camera as best I can. It doesn't look like much, but it tastes like everything. It's good.

The size of the noodles, the softness, the big, piddly noodles. This one. This is more standard. That's what soba noodles look like, though. They are those thinner ones. Yeah. So let's have a go with this. I'm going to get a big...

There's no really thing to eat on this. You just get a lot of the sauce on, and then you're there. That'd be a bit too much, this. You just get a lot of the sauce on and then you're there. That'd be a bit too much this, hang on. So he's tasting the Nissin Soba, which people swear by. He's getting right in there. I'm enjoying you...

I'm enjoying you grappling with that noodle. He's really getting to grips with it. Oh, I had a fight with that one. As it's swaying into your mouth and all over your face like a floppy cock. A floppy noodle menace. Right, so. Fine, unremarkable, but not unpleasant.

You could probably pimp that better. Oh, yeah, you'd have to pimp that in my mind. But it does taste like Soba. I'll tell you what, though. It's not fudgy, is it? I mean, you can taste the texture of the noodle is there. And it's a fine flavour. It's not fudgy, is it? Do you soba I tell you what though I've had it's not fudgy is it I mean you can taste the the texture of the noodle is there and it's a fine flavour

it's not fudgy is it do you know what I mean so I like that I've had this in the pots you know the pots that you drain off because they've got holes in the lid

and I think it's better because they add a few little bits and bobs to it as well they add a few veggies and spring onions and whatever in those pots

that you drain yeah they're much better because sometimes you get like a little sachet of mayonnaise. Have you seen those ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We should get some of those on. Yeah. But what would you pimp that with maybe just off the top of your head? Spring onions. Any meat. Could put some meat in there. Chicken it would work with. Like a lighter meat.

Then put some soy sauce. Whilst we're on that topic, Paul, I'm just going to mention two pimping items that I've added to my repertoire recently. Firstly, you've got this. Maggie liquid seasoning. Maggie liquid seasoning. Just going to show it to the camera. Wake up, Maggie.

I think I've got some liquid seasoning for you. This is basically a purified umami salty thing. So I'm just going to put this on there. Taste it. Ooh. It's like casserole sauce or something. It's a slightly more bovrally kind of soy sauce, but without that kind of saltiness.

Do you know what I mean? That could add to all sorts of things. Oh, dribble, dribble, dribble. Come on, love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. I'm using that just to put a few drops just to sort of you know boost it boosts flavor seasoning that's what it does but that is good isn't it yeah

and the other thing one more thing before we move on to the third and final option tonight a good cheap nice pimping textural pimping item that is easy to obtain are these fried onions crispy fried onions crispy fried onions how exciting a pot of crispy fried onions i'm just gonna have a little bite of this one uh i mean that on its own is reasonably horrible but i'm sure it would make a nice bit of texture to a noodle yeah i know they're not great by themselves no but it's part of a bigger picture you can see how that could add texture and it wouldn't Bit of texture to a noodle. Yeah. I know, they're not great by themselves. No. They're oniony, you know. But it's part of a bigger picture.

You can see how that could add texture and it wouldn't... Yeah. It wouldn't... Anyway, so let's go on. Moving on. Moving on to... Our last noodle today, which is the Indomie. All right, let's have a go. You go first.

I go first. Onion chicken. Onion chicken. Now, you could add those onions to it you just showed me. Oh, yeah. I'll sprinkle some of those on. Get it up here. Oh, he's dropping noodles on the floor.

Just get your hand in there. I'm sorry. It's all right. Put it in there. I do not like that. It's composting. No? What's wrong with it? Yeah. It tastes like nettles. I don't like that What's wrong with it

It tastes like nettles I don't like that It's like stinging nettles and flowers And a little bit of chicken I don't know I quite like it Very salty isn't it I don't know if it's salty

It leaves a kind of stinging aftertaste on the tongue. I know what you mean. I like that. It's a bit zesty. It's a bit flowery for my liking. It's perfumey. It's weird. I know what you mean.

I know what you mean, but I like that. I like the noodle, broad noodle best. Okay, so let's have a score for you. All of these. Mmm. Mmm. Tastes like home. You've gone back to the broad with the sesame paste there.

So, broad paste sesame. That's the Beijing Sichuan broad noodle sesame paste flavour. I'm going to give that four and a half out of five. Okay, I will go... It's nice. It'd be nice with some green veg, just to sort of... You know, as a sort of... And some chicken bits.

Bits of chicken in. You could pimp it with all sorts of stuff, couldn't you, really? That's nice. That's really homely. Very soothing. What's it? It's comforting. You're right.

Soft and comforting. Yeah. Then we had the Soba. The Nissin Soba. I'm going to say three. I think three standards. It's okay. If you like that flavour, that's that Soba flavour.

It's a base product. Yes. And you could pimp it to the max but like you say there are products Japanese noodles that are Soba based

that have all sorts of pimpins built in and also have little fucking panels that you peel away and so you it becomes its own

drainer yeah so that's exciting we should cover those but yeah you know for now

I just I struggle to see how this this in Soba could be anyone's top noodle. Do you know what I mean? But they are. People say it. People are insane. But maybe they're just seating subs of chicken and mushroom pot noodle. It's like, oh, it's dependable.

I'll give it a three as well. All right. And finally, I'm going to give that one and a half out of five. Now you're talking about the Indomie chicken onion. It doesn't taste like chicken or onion. It just tastes like slightly numbing, peppery, kind of florally noodle with a slightly umami aftertaste. Yeah.

Maybe Indomie is a bit of an acquired taste once you get into these because I'm fucking loving that, I have to say. You're a fucking monster.'s spicy really salty there's just flavor going through that that's a flavorful noodle great well what would you give that then out of five it all stands up by itself if you ask me that's much better than the it's more interesting than that don't get me wrong but i just don't you just actively disliked it, basically. Yeah, it wasn't like this. Oh, it wasn't

like you, Buzzy. Thanks for coming to the urban noodle, country urban noodle Tesla kitchen. The Tesla kitchen today, where we looked at a range of stir-fried style noodles, all with slightly different construction techniques.

Yeah. Weren't they? And I think you did well there, Paul. And thanks for your views, you know. But I disagree mainly about the onion chicken. I think that's a mouthful. That's fair enough, though. We both agree, though, that the sesame pasty swan broad is a class. It's fair enough though. We both agree though that the sesame paste he swam broad is, it's a class.

It's a classy thing. And that's the kind of noodle you couldn't get in this country. What did you give that out of five again? I haven't given it a score, but I'd go for three, three and a half on that. All right. Three and a half.

All right. But the outright winner today is the broad sesame paste. What did you give that? 4.5. 4.5. I was very happy with that. That gets 8.5. That gets 6.

And that gets 4. All right. Well, there you go, then. So, thank you very much, Mr. Silverman, for allowing you into this interesting new world of noodles. Don't eat right next to the camera. How fucking horrible do you think that's going to look? In fact, it's going to be mostly the back of you, your elbow, and then us going Give me the mic.

This is a podcast, yeah? It's called the Cheap Show Podcast. I don't need you fucking pushing me around in my own fucking home, yeah? And telling me to do this for the camera, do that for the camera. Fuck your camera! You're an actor, I'm directing you, I'm asking you to work onto the camera. Even now, you're facing away. My brief is to audially describe noodle preparation and noodle opinion

to the fucking good listeners of this show, Paul. Spat down yourself, then. I'll spit down you with my gob rocket. Well, let's end on a piece of fucking bullshit Like that then shall we At an utter bit of nonsense My Gob rocket

Gob rocket Why didn't you do that right next to the camera Why don't you do nothing to the camera The whole episode And at the end go Gob rocket Like that You happy now

with gob rockets you you fucking egg me on right I'm leaving I'm going to get my magic carpet and I'm going to go please do come back though

next time Mr Flying Paul Man okay to the to the country urban noodle kitchen test lab

I'm going to fly back to the house of pickles now and see and just see where the action goes next. I'm off. Bye. Unroll the carpet. Right.

Oh, that was a fiery episode, wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, it was so exciting. Two pans. Two pans, ladies and gentlemen. Right, here we go out we go oh and off we fly flying over london flying over london i can see the london eye oh look there's big ben and others shut up oh shut up come back in here no and i'm flying

i'm flying the I'm flying. The bit's over. Come back here. Can you see that crane over there? I can see the crane. It's quite striking, isn't it? It's quite striking. Striking.

Anyway, back to the studio. You've ruined that. I was flying away over London and you ruined it. Oh, thanks for joining me, ladies and gentlemen. I've got something I want to say right now. It's the fucking price of shot. It's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite it's the fucking price of shite oh it's the fucking price of shite and that's right thank you yes paul it's a time for a traditional little price of shite mini sewed it's a lovely little cheap, quick, cheap and cheerful, lovely little, lovely cheap and cheerful,

lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely good game. This is marvellous, isn't it? Marvellous. We're playing traditional rules, Price of Shite, traditional rules. Price of Shite. Now, I'll explain that, shall I? I'll explain what that entails, the rules of that. Why don't you take it away?

You will produce three items which you have purchased. Uno, dos, tres. You could have gotten them from the same shop. You could have gotten them from different shops. I got them from different shops. Different shops. Thank you. Different shops.

Scope. I will. Heart Foundation and RSBCA. Thank you. I might come back to that to see which came from which. Just for a bit of nuance on the guesswork. I am the charity shop vampire. Ah, ah, ah.

I want to suck your cock. I know. You can say whatever you fucking want. I can get away with it. I just got away with it. You laughed. I didn't get away with it. I did.

Why would a charity shop vampire be into sucking cock? I don't understand. They're not mutually exclusive things. I sucking cock? I don't understand. They're not mutually exclusive things. I know, but I don't know. It just seems a bit off character.

He likes to go to charity shop and suck cock. Okay. I think it's valid. Alright. So, yes. I'm very gentle. You'd have to be

with those big fangs, wouldn't you? With those big teeth. Ah, yeah. You will produce... But I like to go charity shopping as well. Okay, yes. That's good. Because, you... But I like to go charity shopping as well. Okay, yes, that's good.

Because, you know, you like to reuse. You've got some old clothes, don't you? I'm very big on recycling clothes. You've been alive for 700 years. 700 years of cock sucking! To move on. You will produce three items bought from various charity shops. I will.

I will guess, after having a good look at them, maybe asking some questions about where you purchased them. Yeah. And really scoping them out, I will then ascertain how much I believe each item cost. And there's a point scoring system associated with my guesswork on this, Paul. Yes. If I get it on the nose...

I suck your cock. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Paul. It's okay. I'm sorry. No, it's fine.

All right, go on. You keep doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind. I think it's quite amusing, actually. Honestly. I'm sorry. Right.

So, if I guess correctly I score two As in On the nose I get two points Between Between Okay

Yeah I can also If I don't Just say it Just say it again I can't I don't want to And if

No I'll set you up for it No I don't Just get the rules out... No, I'll set you up for it. No, don't. Just get the rules out. Just do it. There is another way to score if I'm not exactly right. And that is by... That is by getting it 25p either side of the price. Okay?

And in that case, I score between one point. Yes. That is what we do. And that's it. That is it. That's it. So there is a maximum of six points on the table. Now I present to you the

three items for this episode. Paul, do you want to come back in? Yeah, Paul? Yeah. Oh, I've come in. Has he stopped talking? No, he's fine. He's fine. Yeah. All right. Paul? Yes. All right, good. Yeah, I might take him up on that. Can I suck your fuck? No, he's fine. He's fine, yeah. All right. Paul? Yes. All right, good.

Yeah, I might take him up on that. Can I suck your fuck? No, you. You. That vampire's quite a pretty mouth. Let's have your first item there, Paul. Okay. Here's the first item. Eli, say what you see.

Oh, this is a magic vase. It's awful. It's as seen on TV. Yeah. awful. It's as seen on TV. Yeah. Where some silly things are seen on TV. Yeah. The last thing I think we had was that bag holder. Yeah, the bag holder.

Yeah, the bag holder thing. That was also seen on TV. That was a piece of crap as well. A pointless bit of rubbish. But this. Shape your vase using warm water. Yeah. Is this some kind of piss toy?

It could be. I bet it has been used as a piss toy. Shape it bend it, shape it, cut it any way you want it. Yeah. Soak in warm, hot water, create a shape, fill with cold water, decorate a display. It's like a crafty thing. So there's a price on the back. Yeah, but that's an old price. That's probably been there.

Oh, well, that could still be. So I can see what it was. What does it say there? £2.50 new. Really? Yeah. So these are flat pieces of see through plastic

vinyl or something no not yeah something like that but it must it's like lino remember lino like people used to have down in their callways

this is awful there's a small one and then there's some larger ones and they're very flat and you've got to sort of fill them with hot water is that what it is

you put them under a warm tap so they get all loose and floppy and then you mould them into the shape and? You run them under a warm tap so they get all loose and floppy and then you mould them into the shape and let them run it under the cold tap. There's something extremely nasty and cheap about them. They're see-through with a horrible floral pattern on. Yeah.

And they have a genuine kind of vase shape, you know. They do. It's a column that narrows in the middle. It's like an hourglass shape, isn't it? Yeah. And these are three magic vases. Can I have a look at the box again? Yeah, what does it say?

Ben, soak it in warm water, create your shape, fill with cold water, decorate and display. I don't think you can do too much with it in terms of moulding. You can maybe make parts of it more narrow than others. You just make it not flat. You make it 3D, don't you, basically? Because, look, it's got a little base sort of... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A base built in, which opens up like that. Lightweight, portable and reusable.

And just shit. Yeah. They're just awful. Is this particularly eco-friendly? No, not really. I'd say not at all. No. Well, I mean, if you use it again, I suppose you don't waste them.

But they don't look very good, even in this photo that's trying to show them off. They look just sort of like sort of freestanding drip bags. Do you know what I mean? Like those drips that you get in hospitals. Yeah, they do. Like a drip IV bag. They look a bit like an IV bag, don't they? Oh, there's your first item anyway, Mr. It's a fucking terrible item.

Isn't it? I'm quite proud of it. But I think I've got one better. Okay. But we think I've got one better. Okay. But we'll get to that. We're going to have a little interlude with something a bit

more on brand for Paul Gannon. Alright? Ghostbusters. No. I found a little game, didn't I? Ah.

What's this then? No, he's handed me a sort of matchbox, larger matchbox shape and it has actually a fake strike on one edge of it. So it is modelled after a fake strike on one edge of it, so it is modelled after a Matchbox,

but it says on the front of this Matchbox, bizarre trivia. 80 questions of a weird and wonderful nature to strike up fun. Strike up fun. No, strike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strike up fun.

Strike up fun at any get together. I want to gargle your balls. Shall I try? Charity shop vampire's left, you know. Yeah, but he hanging around. No, he's not. Shall I ask him? I'm hanging upside down in the ceiling.

Okay, Paul. Charity shop vampire. He's up there. Paul's down here. Yes, yes i know i'm down up here no right shall i ask you one of these then paul yeah go for it i'll see are they questions i don't know they're on the little kind of i don't know like acid test cards no otherwise you know what i mean like the little things no just forget it paul just forget it they're on little thin cards questions so what you ask the question then it's on the back?

No, there's a bit of trivia related to the question on the back of the card. If it was like, who wrote any of the poo? Then on the back, it would tell you more about the answer. Right. A.A. Milne was born in blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But first, you have to get the answer, yeah? India qualified for the 1950 World Cup finals in Brazil. Right.

But withdrew because... Yeah. A. Was it? They were at war with Brazil. Right. But withdrew because... Yeah. A, was it? They were at war with Pakistan. Okay. B, FIFA would not allow them to play barefoot. Or C, they refused to play Great Britain unless independence was formally ratified.

What year was it? 1950. I would say it's C. What's the answer? No, it is B. FIFA would not allow them to play barefoot. Oh, there you go. They obviously played barefoot.

Let's have a go. Let's have a little question. And they say here, it's probably for the best. Imagine some of those crunching old-style tackles on a barefoot player. What does that mean? India played barefoot. Oh, no, I know that, but they wouldn't play because they thought there'd be injuries. No, it says it's probably for the best because they would have been injured if they had been allowed to.

They would have been. Oh, you stood on me toe! Right, here we go. Here's a question for you. You didn't get that, so just keep the tally going. Right, yeah. Coffee shop chain Starbucks take their name from A, a character in Moby Dick,

B, the founder's mother's birth name, or C, a winning racehorse that provided the funds to set up the company? A. Is correct. The company was nearly named after Pequot, after the ship in Herman Melville's American Classic. A cup of Pequot? Not quite the same. No. Starbucks really works, doesn't it?

It's got a good ring to it. Biddy, biddy, biddy. It's also the name of the character from, what is it, Battlestar Galactica. Is it? Yeah. Is it my turn? Yeah.

We'll do three each. I've got the next one ready. Three each? Alright. Yeah. So it's one nil to me, then? Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da League of Snacks and Crisps. Right, hit me with a question.

Hit me. Triscadacaphobia. Right. I'll try that again. Triscadacaphobia. Right. I'll try that again. Triscadacaphobia. Okay. Triscadacaphobia is fear of A. It's fear of A? That's frightening.

How would you write a sentence? I mean, you've got to cut that out. Oh. God, my son, I can't. No. Ha, ha, ha. Listen, Mr. Charity Shop Vampire. Yes.

I might take you up on the offer, but you're just ruining this segment of the show. I might want to get it, you know. Can I get a little sock? Yeah, later. You promise? Yeah. All right, I'm done. Okay.

I'm done here. I've got what I wanted. I'm done. You sucker. Oh, I told you I'd do it. Bye. I don't know who that was. Triscadercophobia.

Right. Triscadercophobia. Yeah. Fear of. Is it fear of? A. Using public toilets. Using public toilets.

Toilets. Toilets. Yeah. B. The number 13. Okay. Or C. Treading on freshly fallen snow.

B. 13. Yes, the number 13. Yeah. The origins of 13 as an unlucky number are unclear. Ooh. Christian sources indicate a Middle Ages superstition based around the Last Supper. That's what I heard as well. But there are indicators that the number had an ill aspect before this.

Ooh. Interesting. Fact. This is a very good dinner party. You got one there. You got one there. Right. Which of these collective nouns is incorrect?

Ah. A nonsense of crows. An unkindness of ravens. A rafter of turkeys. Which one of those is the incollect collective noun? I think it's A. The nonsense of crows. Yes. You are correct. The nonsense of crows.

You are correct. I can eat crows with something else. Birds come in all sorts of odd collectives. It's a murder of crows, isn't it? Wait. Owls form parliaments and crows come in a murder. Yeah. Can I get an extra point?

No. So you were right. There was a murder of crows. Next question, Mr. Silvermanman It's 2-1 to you 2-1 to me And this is my last question So I've got to get this right to stay in the game Even stay in the game

It could be a draw This is exciting The Americans Have shown great sense of humour When naming towns Right Which of these Is not

Is not Is not a town in Georgia? In the state of Georgia. All right, here we go. In the state of Georgia. Is it, Paul? Yeah. A, Experiment.

Okay. The town of Experiment, Georgia. Georgia Experiment. B. B. Toadsuck. Toadsuck. Toadsuck, Georgia.

Toadsuck, Georgia. Cocksuck? No, no, no. No, it's all right. I thought somebody said cocksuck? No, no, no. No, it's all right. I thought somebody said cock suck. No, no one said that. Thank you. Are you sure?

Look, just wait in the room. You know. All right, then. Storytime Grandad's in there, I think. All right. He seems very nice. He's into similar things to you, but perhaps in a bit more of a permanent fashion.

So just go in there. All right. Say hello. I see him. Say hello. Just make sure he doesn't think you're some kind of enemy competent. I won't. Oh, what a lovely old man.

The Americans, Paul, have shown. I know. A is experiment. B is toadsock. And C is. Hope you like it. Hope you like it. Hope you like it. But it's all written as one word. Hope you like it. Hope you like it. It's all written as one word.

Hope you like it. So your options are experiment in Georgia, toad suck in Georgia. Hope you like it. Let's have some of your working. Give us your working. What are you thinking? I think I've heard of experiment. Okay, that's it. So you're going to go for that? No. Which one

isn't a town you're saying? Okay, then you dismiss that one as an option. I'm going to go for that no it's number a i've that's the no which one isn't a town you're saying ah okay then you then you dismiss that one as an option i'm gonna go between toad suck and hope you like it yeah i kind of want to go with toad suck as not being real not being real uh is that your final answer yeah be toad so right you were right. Everyone knows Toadsock is in Arkansas. That's what I was thinking. Of course, this phenomenon is not unique to the States. Britain boasts great snoring, land of nod,

wire piddle, and wet wang. Among its villagers. Nice. And brown knob. And cockamouth. I can hear everything. Oh, God. So, you got that one right. So, if I get this one wrong, we've drawn. Yes.

Okay. Here we go with our next question, Mr. Silverman. There are some quaint bylaws covering driving in Athens. Which of these won't earn you a suspension? Ah, so another negative one. Is it A, being poorly dressed? B, being unbathed or c singing with the window down which one of those won't get you a suspension i don't think they can

they can suspend you for being poorly dressed they could do it for the window down over being unclean i'm sure they could do it for being dirty what if you stunk though yeah what if the car pulls up and it's like... Yeah, so they could. Because this is the one that I think you wouldn't be. Which of these won't earn you a suspension? Being poorly dressed, being unbathed, or singing with the window down?

You're saying B. No, I'm not. Okay, so you're not. You're saying being unbathed will get you a suspension. It could, yeah. Sounds like something that they might be able to suspend someone for. And as does singing out the window. Sounds like something that they could maybe do.

It's absurd, but they could maybe have a rule against that as well. I don't think you can have a rule against being badly dressed. So you're driving down the road. You get pulled over. Yes, what's the problem, officer? This tie doesn't match these trousers. Oh, it's a fair cop. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I knew it. Margaret said

before on FB House. Where did you get that? Giacomo? You've been on Giacomo. You've got one, two, three, four items, Giacomo items, two Primark's. Officer, please go easy on me. It's our first offence. I'll suck your cock. Stop. Right, that's what the answer is. You said

A. Poorly dressed. what the answer is. You said A, poorly dressed. The answer is C. Apparently they only prosecute the badly dressed and smelly rather than those who impose their karaoke skills on unwitting passers-by. Okay, well, we've drawn on that. There you go. We've drawn on that game.

Well, what an interesting item that was. It's not too bad, is it? It's dinner party locks at Christmas Day. Yeah. You can have a chat and learn a little bit at the same time. It's better than your average cracker joke, but you know. Yeah. Oh, I'd much rather have one of these than be cracker than a shit joke.

Yeah. How many fucking ducks does it take to change a light bulb? Quackity five. How many women does it take to fucking change a light bulb? Not enough. How many fucking men does it take to change a light bulb? They just spunk on it. How many fucking old men does it to change a lightbulb? They just spunk on it. How many fucking

old men's it take to change a lightbulb? They slowly spunk on it. How many fucking fish's it take to change a lightbulb? They swim up the urethra of a horse.

How many fucking horses does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. Right, okay. Right, and the final item. The final item on today's

this is Price of Shites. This. Classic Price of Shites episode. When I saw this, I genuinely... When I first saw this, I genuinely decided not to buy it just because it would fill my house with more shit. Yeah.

But I couldn't not buy it. Oh, I'm looking forward to this. Because it's such a random, odd, badly advertised thing that I can't fathom what the fuck people were on when they came up with this project. Okay. So I saw this and I thought

I'm not buying that because it's shit. But then I thought I should buy that because it's shit. So I bought this because it's shit. Are you ready, Mr. Silverman?

Or would you like to finish rolling your fucking cigarette first? I'm licking my proverbial lips. So am I. Oh, God. You keep rolling a cigarette, I'll keep bringing it up. I thought he would be distracted

by Storytime Grandad. Well, we'll find out what happens later. Okay. He's always hanging around, isn't he, Storytime Grandad? Yeah, I feel a bit sorry for him.

Just outside the podcast. I feel a bit sorry for him. In the waiting room, you know. He's just sitting there. All of his glories are behind him, you know. Yeah. All the eating genitals.

Yes, weird. The several wars he was in. Well, that's because you know he couldn't readjust to civilian life he couldn't he got kicked out

of that home didn't he yeah for shaping the for he was shaping the the mashed potato into huge cocks

yeah and gnawing at them and he couldn't have them he was gnawing at the potato mashed potato dildos so he comes round there and he just hangs out.

He uses a vending machine. Every now and then I give him some quavers. Yeah. He seems to like them. Prawn cocktail flavour. Whatever I've got. I think you should try

prawn cocktail flavour. Yeah, it's fine. He's fine with whatever. But you know, you could just give him a treat once in a while. Maybe just get a tin of anchovies,

rub them on some normal quavers. Yeah. Or just them a treat once in a while. Maybe just get a tin of anchovies, rub them on some normal crevice. Yeah. Or just fashion a spam knob. Spam knob. Come on, keep saying it until you think it's funny. You're going to fart now as well. You're leaning over.

So, so far, you're doing nothing. You're giving nothing. You're smoking. And just when I'm about to call you up on both of those things, you lean over to fart. I didn't lean over to fart. I'm playing the game. Ladies and gentlemen, when I look at Eli, you know. I didn't lean over to fart. I'm playing the game. Ladies and gentlemen,

when I look at Eli, you know what I see? I see big bucks. I see money. Come on. I see. But I have to also live with everything that comes with, which is his utter disdain

for professionalism. Listen, we'll see how professional I am when I get between, between, between. All right, well. I want to do better and get between,

between times three. You want six betwings tonight. I do want six, but that's, I mean, that's. All right, well. I want to do better and get twing, twing times three. You want six twings tonight. I do want six, but that's a dream. Well, we'll see tonight because I'm about to finally fucking get out this third and final item.

Swap out the third item, Paul. He's handed it to me. Oh, my word. I can see you're thinking. You know what I mean? This is fantastic, Paul. This is the best item we've had on for years. I'm going to have to put this on, aren't I?

Yeah, I'll have to take a picture. We'll do it afterwards. We'll take a picture afterwards. This, ladies and gentlemen, it's in dollars originally. It cost $9.99 originally. Yeah. I think it is an American item.

This is an exercise suit from the early 80s. It's perfect action wear cover-up. And here's some bullet points. For boating, biking, motorcycling, skating, camping, fishing and gardening. The thing is, it's hard to explain exactly what we're looking at right now. It protects you from all weather conditions. It's lightweight for comfort.

It's loose-fitting for easy movement. And it folds small for easy stowing right you can stow this and it's stowed in a box there's a couple on the box she's got a god awful dress on and he's in a suit it's a 70s box yeah very 70s faded i don't understand look at the box and we're going to try to sell which is the suit but it's the smallest image on the box and instead they thought they'll pad it out with an image of two people just holding hands and kissing. Yeah, just bizarre.

Oh, God. And it looks like, so the fabric. Oh, my word. To exercise in. Look at this. And it looks like. I'm going to have to put it on right now. It looks like it's made of tent fabric. Yeah, it's very thick, almost tarpaulin. Not quite. What is that? And it's silver. Very silver. And it's very thick, almost tarpaulin. Not quite. What is that like?

And it's silver. Very silver. And it's got go-faster stripes that are very... This is brilliant. I don't know why you had any doubt about buying this. I like this, Paul. Are those the legs? I don't know.

I don't know. Is it? Maybe it's got no legs. Is there anything else in the box? Oh, no. Oh, it doesn't have pants. It's not mint on card. It's only one. It doesn't have pants. You only got the top. Oh, it doesn't have pants. It's not mint on card. It's only one.

Oh, it doesn't have pants. You only got the top. That's the best bit to get. It's the best bit to have. I don't know the top than the bottom. Look, it's got the back. Made in Taiwan. There you go.

Very plasticky smell in this. Yeah, I can imagine. This might have had a dead person in it last time anyone was in. So I'm taking one for the team here. Oh, God. Oh, what? Get a shot of that, mate. I've got it on now.

You look like if Mork from Mork & Mindy was found in an alleyway drinking turps. It's like, it's a really kind of 70s, but space agey. That's a good bit of costume, mate. But what? Could you imagine trying to exercise in that? You've got nothing on underneath.

Give me the box. You'd sweat like a pig. It's horrible. The picture on the front, there'll you'd sweat like a like a pig it's horrible the picture on the front there'll be an image of this and eli wearing it on our website the cheap show.co.uk look for the accompanying page for this episode so it says exercise suit with sauna action your men are sweating to it and keep fit plan including excise book that's long since gone once i get real hot and sweat into it and that makes you lose weight. One size fits all for men and women. It's just horrible.

What's the company? Dynamic Classic Shape Shop product. They probably make shaping pants and stuff like that as well. 1971, 75 and 1980. It's a real vintage item, isn't it? Really odd thing. And there's a model, a lady model on the

front of the box and she's doing some exercises, doing a bend there. And at the back, there's a model, a lady model on the front of the box and she's doing some exercises, doing a bend there. But it doesn't look... And at the back there's a guy who has a hairstyle just like Dennis Waterman.

For Minder. Yeah. And he's much more doing a much more sort of... He's doing a... Yeah, a swingy swing thing. A swing stretch.

That's a great item. Right, so now you've seen all three items, Eli. You're even wearing one of the items. It's a fashion... Oh, 1980, it says there. Yeah Eli. You're even wearing one of the items. It's a fashion... 1980, it says there. Yeah, that's the copyright of the company.

They did the copyright again in the 80s. This has got a very... Or there's something on the side. There's something on the side. Stay in condition, keep in shape. It's like having a portable sauna bath. I'm starting to heat up in this thing. With nothing to plug in, nothing to adjust, nothing to apply.

One size fits all. It's really warm. Just slip on the suit and wear it while you work, play or exercise. Do housework in it. Relax in it. Read a book or watch TV. Wear it over a swimsuit, playsuit or any cotton clothing. It seals in body heat to keep you shed

extra moisture. It certainly does. I'm starting to shed extra moisture. After using your exercise suit, just wash it and hang it up to dry. It folds easy to shed extra moisture. After using your exercise suit, just wash it and hang it up to dry. It folds easy for carrying and storage. Includes a book and all the stuff

you need for the book to make you thin. Stock 712. Right. Oh, it's so hot. Really, already? Yeah. Maybe it's good

for the winter months. You don't have to dress as much. No, it's awful. Take it off. Oh, God. Thank God. Really?

So basically, it's a top you put on to sweat your tits off. And trousers, but we don't have the trousers. Thank God for that. That is horrible. I'm not putting it back on again, by the way. That's fine. I'll wear it for the photograph then, because you're a big loser. You won't fit in there.

I'm getting a pen, but not to write the scores down, but to stab you in the eye. That would be bad. Ah! Ah! My career as an actor is over! Not necessarily.

Peter Falk made a pretty good one as a one-eyed detective in Columbo. But you could see he still had an eye. Sammy Davis Jr. also had an eye. I'll give you a glass eye. Did he have a glass eye, Peter Falk? Yeah. And Sammy Davis Jr.? Yeah.

He lost his in a car accident, and I can't remember where Peter Falk lost his now. In the war, didn't he? Maybe. He served in the war? Maybe. He did, yeah, he did. So maybe he did.

He was ex-military, wasn't he? Yeah. I seem to remember that. So I could stab you in the eye, and your career could go on, Eli. Are you ready? I'm going to write down the scores. Hang on, let me write down the answers first

so you know I'm not cheating. Okay, I'd like you to give me a few things to help me here, Paul. Are you ready? I'm going to write down the scores. Hang on, let me write down the answers first so you know I'm not cheating. Okay, I'd like you to give me a few things to help me here, Paul. Two of the items have original prices on the box, which is adding another wrinkle to this. Yeah. The magic vase was bought in a place called AB Superstores originally. £2.50. But even that must have been discounted from its original sale, I reckon. That was in America, the

sweatsuit. Exercise suit, yeah. $9.99. Again, that might have been a discount store down from probably $40-odd when it originally came out. It's a handwritten $9.99, isn't it? So, what do you want to know before you give your prices? I'd like to know which charity shop you bought all of these from. So, I bought the exercise

suit in Heart Foundation, British Heart Foundation in Harrow. I bought the exercise suit in British Heart Foundation in Harrow. I found the magic vase in RSPCA in Harrow. And I found the quiz cards in a Barnardo's in Pinner. And what is 50p more expensive than the most expensive item? There's a sort of ceiling on it. Okay, I spent no more than £6. On any one item altogether?

Altogether, the overall price did not exceed £6. About 50p less than £6. Well, I'm just saying, because I might have spent £5.01. That's a lot. It'd still be correct. So it doesn't mean I've spent £6. Okay, so let's do this in order. Starting with the magic vase as seen on TV. Eli, give us a price. I think it's like £1.50. I mean, that's spent six quid. Okay, so let's do this in order. Starting with the magic vase as seen on TV.

Eli, give us a price. I think it's like 150. I mean, that's too much for it. But I think I'm going to go for 150 on that. 150. Next. Two pounds for the cards, I'm thinking. Two pounds for the game.

Yes, the card game, the matchbox card game. Okay, and finally the exercise suit. I just don't think anyone could ask more than a quid for that, really, because it's... Because it's shit. But that would only make me come up to £3.50, wouldn't it? I'm going to do that. I'm going to go with that, Paul. Yeah? £1.10. £1.10? Just so I might

get in the 25p range of something, you know. Hedge my bets there on that. Here we go. The first item, Paul, today, is the magic vase. But it's more than one. It's three. You actually get three. That's not bad value for money, even if today, was the magic vase. But it's more than one. It's three. You actually get three. It's not bad value for money, even if the thing itself has no value.

And it's bad advertising. I should say magic vases. Vases. Vases. Vases. Right. You said £1.50. I said £1.50.

The price was £1. Oh, fuck. £1. So. Fuck this. Here we go. Next one. You said the quiz was. £2. £1. Oh, fuck. £1. So. Fuck this. Here we go. Next one. You said the quiz was. £2.

£2. The actual price of the quiz was £1.50. Fuck. £1.50. But don't worry. You might get it right with the last one. You might get at least a per twing. I don't think I'm going to get one per twing.

For the exercise suit, you said £1.10. The actual price was £2.50. Fuck that! But I had to get it. Yeah. I had to. Tube show audience need to know about exercise suit. I think we should modify it by cutting down the front so it's like an exercise jacket.

Oh, yeah, like a sexy jacket from the future yeah yeah you can put a zip hey maybe uh we can give it to teen yeti well he doesn't i mean he's got a stylist and yeah but he could maybe you know make it look good well he'd make anything look good yeah he's got sick style you know but he wouldn't want to put it on without an opening in it because it gets very matted and then you know what happens with with him? You know, he's got his famous gimmick, he's the Waggonauts. They're clanking in the wind. You know, they're like a musical. He does rhymes about it, you know,

on his latest album. The old Stalag Plops. My clagasides are clanking in the wind. Oh, get off! He's trying to eat my balls! Oh, story time! Get off! Story time, granddad!

What is all this? You put me in a room, ah, ah, ah, room with an old man and he starts trying to eat my paws. I'm sorry about that. Story time, grandad. Just calm down. We'll get you your quavers in a minute, yeah? I've got a tray of quavers in the ovens for you. Right then.

I am off to look into another charity shop in the future for more brilliant price of shite material. Oh, I... Get him away from me! Oh, come on, you little vat, the drax, so you are. I've gone right off the idea of sucking cock. Oh, I'd like to suck it. Just cut it off first, put it in the oven.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we've decided to end this segment. I'm putting my foot down now and ending it on this moment. So I think it's about time we wrapped up, isn't it? Fine. Did you literally wait until I pressed stop before you let that dirty fart off? That's not for them to know.

Yeah, but it's for me to smell, isn't it, right now? No, it's fine. Look what I'm looking at. No, it's not. Safe. Look what I'm looking at. It's pure safeness. Don't spray that. I've got to do some work tomorrow. This is like mace for me. This Febreze is like mace. When you do

that arse stuff, I don't... It's worse enough doing this podcast in this room where it smells like all the smells you ever hear in a bin. Hear in a bin? Don't fart again! This show gets dirtier and muckier and worse. It's you!

You decide to include it. You come up with characters like Vampire Cocksucker. All these... Your characters that you bring in. They weren't my characters. Old Uncle Grambles, the farmer. That was your character. It was Gardner Granby the the farmer that was your character it was gardener

gramby no it's your character it's not anyway thank you for listening to cheap show the economy podcast

thank you for supporting us on patreon at some point it's gonna improve i mean it's it's in a rut right now isn't it

we're in a rut such a terrible rut but if you'd like to support us on patreon go to patreon.com forward slash

cheap show and donate as little or as lot as you want and get all kinds of extra podcasts and videos get all special extra goodies goodies lovely goodies goodies also

come over here go round here get the goodies come round here also what I forgot to write down the PO box did you write remember it like you promised you would for this episode? Oh, no.

Don't shrug at me. Have you got your phone with you? Yeah. Just go open up the website, thecheapshow.co.uk, which is the place you can go to, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to see images and videos that accompany this episode. In fact, if you're a patron, you'll get to see a pretty poorly filmed video of the noodle section this week.

So that's something to look forward to as well. We're on Twitter, at thecheapshowpod, at paulgannonshow. Eli has left the room, so I'm going to say at elisnoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. And if you want to email the show about anything, go to thecheapshow at gmail.com and send us a message that way. What else? We're on way what else we're on tumblr we're on facebook we're on uh or rate and review on itunes or spotify we're doing quite good on spotify actually and uh if you want to send the show anything or send anything to the digitizer website you can uh send stuff to the same po address, which, Eli, is... I'm trying to find the PO box.

It's on the front page. The PO box is on the front page of our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. Okay. I swear to God. Here we go. Oh, good, we got it now. Great.

And the PO box address is... If you'd like to send us something, noodles, I'm always on the lookout for unusual noodles, something for the source report, Paul, or even... Stuff that doesn't stink my house out when I have to look the lookout for unusual noodles something for the source report Paul or even stuff that doesn't stink my house out when I have to look after it

for weeks until you take it off my hands yeah that PO Box Paul is Cheap Show Cheap Show PO Box 1271 Harrow

HA33NS once again yes Cheap Show PO Box 1271 Harrow HA33NS thank you very much well I don't know about you Eli but it's been a fascinating show Again, cheap show, P.O. Box 1271. Harrow, H.A. 3, 3NS.

Thank you very much. Well, I don't know about you, Eli, but it's been a fascinating show this week, and I'm going to take that vampire up on his offer and get my knob sucked. So I'm going to take the exercise suit with me. Careful that you don't do it around Uncle Grumbly, because, I mean, not Uncle Grumbly,

because Storytime Grandad gets a bit chompy. He gets a bit chompy. He gets a bit chompy. You don't feed him. If he's asleep as well, he has a very vivid dream, flashback of the war dreams where he has to, you know. I'm not happy with the way this episode's ending. No. So let's just tap out.

All right. Thank you. I've been Paul Gannon. And I was Eli Silverman. Thanks very much. And we'll see you next time on The Cheap Show. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Eli Silverman thanks very much and we'll see you next time on The Cheap Show bye