CheapShow - Ep 156: Maximum Thwopage

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

Stop us if you have heard this one before... Eli is unwell and in a mood and he... OH you HAVE heard this before? Well how do you think Paul feels? Paul is also not happy with Eli's constant use of the word "Thwopage" so Eli needs to up his game. That does not happen this week. Instead, you are treated to a new Tales from the Shop Floor, an amusingly underwhelming Cheap Eats and a return to Paul's Page Turners, featuring two charity shop books, one definitely more interesting than the other! Same Tat, different day! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-156-maximum-thwopage If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

live from Eli Silverman's deathbed. It is the Cheap Show. How long has he got left to live edition of Cheap Show? Hello, Paul. Hello, Eli. Ah. Now, I came in today and Eli was very poorly, he said. He said on the bus on the way home, he was feeling very poorly.

So once again, it's another episode. I see a lot in here. Oh, look, he's going to be a whinger today isn't he oh is it too hot in here why don't you take off all your clothes oh

I am getting so hot I want to take your clothes off I've got my knob out and funnily enough they should do a version of that song like that

shouldn't they go on it's getting hot in here so I've dropped my knob right out I am getting so hot here so i've dropped my knob right out i have getting so hot i want to get my knob out right right great anyway welcome to the cheap show to the economy comedy podcast spanky couldn't he who the artist instead of nelly shouldn't we sell that song to a called spanky yeah we could but we could sell it to t.v i've

spanked so hard i've joshed my whole knob up sorry Sorry. Right, okay, well. I just want to say sorry. I'm sorry. Why? Oh, he's very poorly, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sweaty. You are sweaty. Can you see the sheen? I can.

You can see the sheen? There's Charlie Sheen. Winning! There he is over there. Winning! Crack yourself up, why don't you, Paul i think fuck off have i done the intro did i do the intro you tried oh hello welcome cheap show i'm paul gannon this is oh fucking far away i'll just throw it away hello welcome to cunt cunt cunts two cunts that's what we should call this call the should we rename this show Cunts. Might be a more successful name.

No, you can't call it that. No, we would never. We'd never get listed. Two Idiots. Two Silly Scoundrels. Two Silly Sausages. I like sausages. I'm a sausage too.

I'm a sausage. Oh, no, Paul. I am a sausage. Oh, no. I have shat myself. Right, I'm calling it. Worst intro ever. I have shat myself.

Right, I'm calling it. Worst intro ever. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept! Cheap Show Off-Ramp-Ramp-Off-Off-Ramp-Ramp-Off Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap Cheap

Cheap Show It's the price of shite! Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show And I go and I nuzzle Hello, yes, welcome to Cheap Show, I am Paul Gannon Welcome to Cheap Show, everybody And have we got a show for you this week.

Barely, barely, barely. We're going to do some things. In all seriousness, Paul. Yeah. I am quite under the weather. You are. You're doing this show through... I'm getting itchy now.

Why are you getting itchy? That's not related to your symptoms earlier. I don't know. It's because the temperature's changing. I'm getting a full body... Scritch on. Scritch. Why is it called scritching? I don't know. It's because the temperature's changing. I'm getting a full body... Scritch on. Scritch. Why is it called scritching?

It's one of these cutening of the words, isn't it? The cutening of language. Scratch and scritch. It's like squee. Squee. You know what I mean? It's like, couldn't you just say, I had a little yelp of enjoyment? No, it has to be a new word, squee.

What's wrong with new words? And small. Small, that's the other one. What does that mean? Like when something's very cute, it's small. It's not small, it's small. S-M-O-L. What's wrong with language though? Developing and growing. I don't like the cutification of it.

Maybe not particularly cutification. It is, it's pure cutification. And what's that word scritch? That's just also cutification. That's so lame Owen. Yeah, exactly. It's holly bobs all over again, isn't it? Holly bobs. Does that, you object to that? No, not really. You don't object to someone going, I'm off on my fucking holly bobs all over again, isn't it? Holly bobs. Does that, you object to that? No, not really. You don't object to someone going, I'm off on my fucking holly bobs. Yeah, I don't.

It's usually the kind of person who uses the word holly bobs. Adulting, that's the other thing. It's all this cutifying of this shit. Fucking hell, welcome to another edition of Eli's Pointless Rants. I just want to say, fuck that. Scratch a small cat. Don't fucking scritch a small cheeseburger. You fuck off.

You fuck off. Right. Okay. What have we got on the fucking show? Well, today, coming up on the show, we have a piece we've not done in a little while. We're going to do a Tales from the Shop floor from one of our lovely readers. And if you'd like to write about an experience you've had being in a shop. Working in a shop, being in a shop, being in a shop,

walking past a shop. And what kind of shops do we especially like, Paul? Ideally, those on the charity shop scale. The charity shop scale? Yeah. Well, I haven't come across this scale before. I haven't. Shh! I'm working the sentence out. Yeah. I'm working it out. It's not going well. Paul,

here's a little tip for you. Just generally, in life, and also more particularly when you're doing this show with me, Eli Silverman, here on Cheap Show. Yeah? How about you put the whole, you line up the whole sentence in your head. Word, word, word. Word, word, word. Then this is another tip. Picture the little full stop at the end.

Have a little review of it and then fucking utter it after you've thought about it. All right. Okay, let me have a little think of this sentence. I'm waiting. Still waiting. I'm thinking of a good sentence. Hang on.

Eli Sildman is a fat-ass prick. Oh, you almost didn't get prick out. I nearly did get my prick out. I have got my knob right out. So anyway, we're going to do a... I'm going to get my knob out. I'm going to do a... We've got a Cheap Eat segment.

Oh, yeah. Cheap, cheap, cheap. And we're going to go back to Paul's page turners. The two books I found at a charity shop that may bring a little smile to your face. A little smile to your face. A little smile to your face. And it gives us a little bit of a dollop episode as a result i have got nothing now well he admits it he admits it ladies and gentlemen i've got nothing you've got nothing every week you've got the same every week the same amount of. But it's just when you're slightly unwell that the nothing... Mate, every week you're slightly unwell.

This is not a one-off. I've seen your eyelids so much over the course of a recording Jeep show from the pain and suffering that's on your face every time you utter a spoffy word from your bearded, wobbly lips. It's like the house of sauna. Sausage tongue fat gob. It's like the house of sauna. Sausage tongue fat gob. It's like being inside a sweaty pickle.

Well, to be fair, I'm not feeling the heat as much as you. I'm okay right now. I must be unwell, mustn't I? You must be unwell. I must be unwell. I'll get you a doctor. Here we go. Hello, I need to get a doctor.

What, you'll be here in two minutes? All right. Okay. Yes, bye. Okay. We've got a doctor two minutes? All right. Okay. Yes, bye. Okay. We've got a doctor coming. That's good.

Yeah. Oh, come in. Hello, I'm Dr. Jimmy Biscuits. Oh, hello. And I'm here to see what's wrong with the patient. Who's the patient here? I am. Hello. Hello.

And what's your name, Sonny Jim boy? My name's Eli. Hello. Oh, hello, little Eli. Now, what's wrong with my little Eli? It's my dick. Okay. It's got droplets coming out of it.

All right. Well, we're going to have to have a look at it. Should I thwop it right out? Come on. Show Jimmy Biscuits the offending item. Here it is. Oh. Do you like it?

Jimmy Biscuits approves. Do you like looking at it? It looks like a medieval club. Right, what have we got coming? That didn't work. No, no, no, no, no. Jimmy Biscuits. I don't believe that you're a doctor.

I'll show you my credentials. Well, mine looks like, you know, one of those... Knobbly hammers. I tell you what, I'll make you better. I'll get the puss out. It's going to involve a lot of massaging. And you know where this is going, Eli Silverman. I'm going to have to josh your plop off.

Josh me plop off? I'm going to get all that squash. Here we go. No, we've actually reached the nadir of our lives. We've reached the nadir of our lives. I'm definitely a doctor. This is the worst moment of my whole life. Now that's not true.

Come on, let's do Tales from the Heart. And you're all better and I got a mouthful of cum. So I'm happy. I'm off now. Goodbye. Bye. Don't knock the... You don't have to knock the door to leave the room.

I'm going now. Bye-bye. Well, it's good to have... It's good to see leave the room. I'm going now. Bye-bye. Well, it's good to have... It's good to see him. I'm so sorry. No, Paul, it was good to see him. I feel reassured. Every week, I think...

Even though he's not a real doctor, it's fine. You feel better now, don't you? Yeah, I do feel a bit better. Yeah, good. So, I'll tell you what. Why don't you get kicking off with the Tales from the Shopfloor story this week? This is from a guy called Dan, so I'm just going to give you it. Okay, here we go. And I'll let you read it. Let's have a little Tales from the Shop Floor story this week. This is from a guy called Dan, so I'm just going to give you it. Okay, here we go.

And I'll let you read it. Let's have a little Tales from the Shop Floor. Tales from the shop floor. Paul has told me that there is no poo-poo in this week. No, it's nice to get a few stories in that aren't scat related because, you know, it's hard enough a sell of this podcast, I tend to find, without forcing people who might enjoy it to listen to stories about, you know, necrotic holes and people literally bellowing shit out of their arsehole.

So let's see where this one goes. Now, it says, if this ends up being read out, please just call me Dan. Yeah, so let's call him Dan. Okay, Dan. Hello, Dan. Hi, guys. Hello, Dan. Hello, Dan.

Depending on when you read this, it may end up being seasonally relevant. Christmas is coming up, Paul. Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat. Don't put a penny in an old man's hat. Something like that, isn't it? Okay. I've never heard that.

Christmas is coming. The geese are getting fat. Don't put your Johnson in an old man's hat. Something like that. Christmas is coming. The goose has got out of stroke. Santa's put a cigar up his arse. And now I have a smoke.

Yeah, there you go. I shat in a jar. And then I put it in a cupboard. Read the story. Read the story. Oh, God, I'm sweating. A few years back, I got myself a job as part of the extra staff hired in the lead up to Christmas at a national chain of toy stores. He also doesn't call it Christmas.

It's Xmas. Should I say Xmas? Just say Christmas. I say Xmas because it just saves time spelling it out. Most of my work involved cramming as many shit toys into the shelves as I could. But if my shift started before the store closed, I was expected to work the tills or shop floor. Alright.

It was one of these days where I was tasked with demote... Oh, Jesus. Damn. It's not very easy to read his prose style. Oh, here we go. Everyone's fault but Eli's.

Jesus Christ. Shall I just do that last bit again? Just do... Maybe just do the episode from the start. I don't understand what he's saying most of my work involved cramming as many shit toys onto the shelves as i could all right right fine okay

i'm with you so you're self-stocker yeah stocker of the shelves yeah with toys yes uh but if my shift started before the store closed if my shift started before the store closed, which you'd imagine it would, because while... Oh, ah, if he's overnight stacking shelves... Yeah, they do tend to, don't they? Do you see what I mean? It's a bit of a puzzle here. Well, we're working it out together, aren't we?

Yeah, we are. I agree he could put it clearer. He could. But don't worry, Dan. I don't mind. Eli's got a problem with fucking pernickety problems that only really affect him. Your pro style sucks. Sorry. But don't worry, it's got a problem with fucking pernickety problems that only really affect him. Your pro style sucks.

Sorry. But don't worry. It's only a small problem. Don't fucking goad me. You're awful. Right. So, if my shift started before the store closed, then he was expected to work the tills or the shop floor. Great.

That's fine. So far, so good. It was one of these days. Yeah. These days where he... On the till or the shop floor. Great. That's fine. So far, so good. It was one of these days. Yeah. These days where he... On the till or the shop floor. Yes. Yeah.

Thank you. Where I... See, that's... Basically, it's a thing that from the last paragraph that we're supposed to remember running into this next sentence. Do you know what I mean, though?

Could be clearer. It's just that when people... And I get this. When I write informally in my voice, I sometimes forget syntax because you kind of make it fit how you'd speak be clearer it's just that when people and i get this when i write informally in my voice i sometimes forget syntax because you kind of make it fit how you'd speak rather than being grammatically correct okay all right so he's just writing informally and sometimes it doesn't quite

translate i'll just add a little bit here to make it clearer for everyone yeah it was one of these days where i was on the shop floor right where i was tasked with demoing a new line of nerf guns oh cool which were absolutely fucking huge big nerf guns have you seen those big nerf guns with the big uh the the the revolver bit like the uh cartridge yeah a big revolving cartridge i've fired one of those yeah satisfying considering what it is i've never fired a real gun nerf's quite fun innit nerf's fun i like nerf i've got a little nerf gun a little zombie zombie killer. That's still around. Nerf, isn't it? Yeah, it's still very popular. It's huge, isn't it?

Yeah. You ever play in the woods with spud guns? No. When you were a kid, I used to use to have spud gun fights. I never owned a spud gun because my parents were hippies. We weren't allowed weapon toys. Weapon toys. I never really did either.

Which I made weapon toys out of what we had. I used to have this stuff. Spoffy socks Snots and plastic bands I didn't spunk As a child Paul Please Where did you get it from then? What my spoff?

Yeah where did you get All that spoff from? I don't I didn't have spoff I had a bogey collection Right I didn't have a bogey So you did have a bogey collection

No The truth comes out I know Oh I feel like Monsieur Blanc From Knives Out I know

Four out of five stars recommended. Now, I used to... We're never getting through this later. Yes, we will. I used to have toys that weren't weapons, but I used to play with them as if they were weapons. I'm sure it's not a unique experience. Even on a basic level, a ruler and elastic band.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but you made that into an actual weapon. I'm talking about a fantasy world in which I was a swordsman. Right. Called, I was called a lonely child.

Chang or something. Chang? I had this name for myself, Chang. Yeah, I was a hero warrior, Chang. Right. Yeah. And we had this stuff. Do you remember Dada?

What? The track with the cars. Oh, not the artistic surrealism movement. It's not surrealism. Absurdism. not the artistic surrealism movement it's not surrealism absurdism it predated surrealism

thank you as we've said before have we yes you boring man do you remember da da I do

da da da da now explain to them Ariston wasn't that a proper song though da da da da yeah it was a German thing alright we song though? Da da da da. It was a German thing.

All right, we'll pick at that. Da da da. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if we should do that on the platter. Yeah.

Oh, well, you know, one thing at a time. We haven't got this fucking letter yet. Right. Anyway, the point is,

I used to run for the woods with a spud gun and I used to keep potatoes in my pockets so you could stick it in and load it and fire it up. Who did you fire at? Friends.

We used to run around the woods? You had friends as a child? Yes, I did. I've got this sort of image of you as this kind of, like, almost translucently pale kid, sickly. No. Sort of mewling and puking in your little sofa. Oh, you know I've got friends.

Like when I fell out the tree and all my friends abandoned me when they thought I was going to die. Yeah. Or, you know, because there used to be the the big cabris factory near where i lived growing up and there was a fence separating the grounds from the public but on the other side of the fence on the factory side was a row of trees and we found that there's a hole in the fence that we could crawl through and then go through the trees like a maze and then come out the other end now there's so little of that kind of play play Play on old, abandoned...

Factory sites or whatever. Factory sites or building sites. It wasn't abandoned, though. It was a working factory. It was a work... So you were in the grounds of the factory. Yeah.

Illicitly. Only just. That doesn't happen with kids anymore, does it? I used to play on old building sites and get behind things, behind fences. That was just a joy,

wasn't it, as a child? Going out. Health and safety these days. Yeah. Can't do that. Every kid's on his bloody phone these days, aren't they? Oh, they're on the phone playing their Fortnite. Fucking Fortnite.

Fortnite. Fucking more like World of Warcraft. I don't know what the kids are into these days. It's Fortnite, isn't it? Now, as I was saying, Paul. You were Chang. I was Chang. And Dada was this, for people who don't know,

was a sort of modular system oh dear where you'd get bits of track right plastic bits of track yeah what is the name for those cars that you scale electrics ones no they're not scale electrics ones these are ones where have a spring like a pull back and go pull back and card okay but they were like the top ones and they used to have if you remember d they used to have, if you remember, Dada used to have, do you remember Dada? No, I really don't. It was this whole system with those. It had loop-de-loops and special sets with loops on and jumps and things. Nope, this is all new.

I knew Hot Wheels and stuff did that. But anyway, my dad somewhere got a knock-off Dada that wasn't, with all these yellow pieces of tracks, so there were all these modular pieces of yellow track yeah they became swords for chang well hopefully in the future we'll dig into more adventures and i used to play in this whole world inside my imagination in our yoga room and chang used to go up the the yoga rack and climb up the wall and go and beat people with his sword and stuff chang he, he was a hero. Well, this got really awkward, didn't it? No, it didn't.

Go on, story. So. Nerf guns. Oh, God, Nerf guns, yeah. So he was demoing. So our friend Dan, who's written the letter in to our podcast, which we're doing right now. Are we?

Yes. Am I? Just. Am I here? Almost. Right. Demoing a new line of Nerf guns, which were absolutely fucking huge. That I here? Almost. Right. Demoing a new line of Nerf guns, which were absolutely fucking huge.

That's where we stopped. Okay. This thing was essentially a sniper rifle that could shoot a dart the size of a small child's forearm, clean across the store, and hit the far wall. So these aren't the small Nerf darts that we're thinking of. These are the big ones. Probably thicker, gorgeous. Thicker, big, thick, fucking veiny.

A big veiny Nerf gun. I don't think Nerf are firing cops across the store, fucking veiny. A big veiny Nerf gun. I don't think Nerf are firing cocks across you. No, it's a big veiny dildo-like thing. Cock gun. It fires cocks. It can fire ten cocks a second. Yeah, imagine that. Oh, gobbits.

Right. Tell you what, I wouldn't mind catching that bullet in my mouth. Oh, fucking hell. Piss poor. Right. Okay, so it's a powerful Nerf gun. At this point, a family walked in and the parents quickly left

the three and five-year-old boys with me. See, that's a terrible sentence. I'm sorry, that's a terrible sentence. All right, okay. And it's just so long, this sentence. Come on! It's longer because you keep going off on your Sainsbury's tirade. off on your Sainsbury's tirade.

Tirades. Sainsbury's tirades. Yeah, when you talk about Pamela's, oh, I can't believe you forgot my birthday mum Swiss roll. Oh, yeah. Jesus. Right. Alan's, I can't have another vasectomy.

Just admit. Please, Carol. Plan. Yeah. Tony's, I'm depressed and I'm a heroin addict. Pea soup. Right. Sarah's, I've just left a cult and don't know how to adjust to real life.

Plan. Ice cream. Right. No. Okay. You have to admit this is a terrible sentence. At this point, a family walked in and the parents quickly left the three and five-year-old boys with me to go and buy their presents without them seeing.

It's not that bad that's fucking terrible i shot it a few times and they begged to have a go themselves being an idiot i thought the rifle was too big and complicated for the five-year-old to operate so i handed it to him expecting him to wave it around get bored and leave me alone right with terrifying proficiency now this is a good sentence. Sorry. All right. Well, I like this. Now he's getting better at this. With terrifying proficiency, he cocked it, span around, and shot his brother in the face from less than a foot away. God, that must have been. I mean, I know it was awful,

but that must have been a really satisfying sound. Wow. Of the clack, the thunk, and the... Like that. The toddler fell flat on his arse and screamed as blood and snot began to drip from his nose and down his face. We've all seen that before. We've all seen it. We've all seen that before.

I've often caught myself kicking kids right in the face. No, I didn't mean that. Just to see that. No, I just meant when the snot and the blood mix. Yeah. And the tears. Yeah. It's a mess.

It's all bloody... There should be a word for it. Twot. No, not twot. Blood, snot and tweears. Twears? Twears? Twears, that works.

Twears. Oh, his face was covered in betwear. Yeah, betwear. All the betwear. Smirching to betwear. The betwear is here. The toddler fell flat on his arse and screamed as blood and snot began to drip from his nose and down his face. Yeah.

I was about to try and sneak off as I noticed a puddle start growing out for him. He pissed himself. He did. Surprisingly, I didn't get a bollocking since kids are dickheads and it all happens all the time. Yeah. But I did have to clean up the puddle of piss and blood. Oh. Anyway, please be kind to retail workers over this period.

It's shit. It is shit. I think we can both agree with that, Dan. I agree. I agree. You put up with a lot of shit over this festive period. They really do. Any kind of service industry, not just retail workers, I guess they must get it worse.

Amazon's warehouse workers. And bus drivers. You know, I'm usually quite down on bus drivers. Yeah. The other day, I realised the shit they have to put up with. Yeah, people like you getting on drunk. I got that money off the ocean car. No, no.

I mean, that was bad. So I was on a bus the other day. Yeah. And it said, you know when the bus is going to stop before its usual destination? They'll have it on the front, written on the front. So I noticed it had it on the front the bus is going to stop before its usual destination? They'll have it on the front, written on the front. So I noticed it had it on the front where it was going to stop. Finsbury Park. No, Finsbury Square.

Moorgate stroke Finsbury Square. And I thought, okay, that's okay for me because that's where I would be getting off anyway. Yeah. And so the bus gets to there, but it stops just before then. It stopped before. And I'm like, oh, why is it stopping here? And it's kicking us all off. So and I'm like why is it stopping here and it's kicking us all off so

this woman goes why are you stopping here and he goes it's terminating here because there's been a it was because of the terrorist attack in London that it was stopping there

and she went why didn't you tell us and it's like it was written on the front of the bus she was like oh you could have said something and I was literally like

god I understand now yeah she's just angry just because she's come her day's been inconvenienced by about 15 minutes Oh, you could have said something. And I was literally like, God, I understand now. Yeah. She's just angry just because she's a cunt. Her day's been inconvenienced by about 15 minutes. She's just being a cunt to him. Just being a cunt. And it's like, no, factually, you're wrong.

Yeah. You are factually wrong. She didn't care. Oh, I'm just going to be a cunt to you anyway. So I was... Tales from the public transport. You know what I mean? What did you do? Nothing.

Did you just awkwardly go away? I said to him, look, that's perfectly acceptable. But why do you have to stop here instead of the actual stop where it says on the front of the bus? And he said, it's because we can't turn around when we go to that next stop. So I said, that's perfectly acceptable. You've given me an explanation. But I was a bit discon... Do you know what I mean?

Well, why didn't you tell us? He said, it was written on the front of the bus. If you paid attention, put your fucking face up from your phone. You know that she went straight to office and went, I can't believe the bus isn't listening. I don't know why I bother. People like that.

And everyone thought, here's fucking Sandra again going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't understand why the bus is not like they're meant to. No, she wasn't Northern.

I don't, that's the only voice I can do. Just leave me alone. Now, Paul, also people, yes, people who work in pubs. Thank you, Dan, by the way.

Thank you, Dan. And I'm sorry I criticised your pro style. No, I am. Otherwise you wouldn't. No, it got really racy there towards the end. It did, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keepers on the floor, keeper the snot, you know. Yeah, and it was nice to see a kid get it right in the face point blank with a gun. Yeah, nice to see that. Not a real gun.

That would be horrific. But, you know. I wouldn't laugh at that. People who work in bars over this period god I feel for them because I'm thinking I could be DJing

and it just gets terrible you doing New Year's Eve again people not only yeah people not only get rude yeah and drunk but they just don't move

they don't move they don't know how to stand they don't know how to stand in a public space anymore ignorance and belligerence is all that we've got and also I read an article today about because of the whole Nish and also I read an article today about

because of the whole Nish Kumar getting I read a bit about that but yeah but there was an article about how you know stand-ups hate Christmas

and some of them even though they get lots of good money for doing gigs this time of year they just don't do it some of them no

because it's just so awful I've seen corporate gigs and they are awful Christmas gigs is terrible no one wants to I hate people Alright well there you go

Eli hates people What a revelation to end the segment on I'm sweaty Let's calm down for a bit And we're going to crack on with Cheap Eats Hooray Ladies and gentlemen Cheap Eats. Cheap Eats. Hooray.

Ladies and gentlemen, performing the Cheap Eats jingle this week is actor and comedian Eli Silverman. Ah, I've had a little rest now. Just a... Just a... Just a... Just a... No.

No. No. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me. I'm trying to do something here. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yeah. Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. It. Thank you. A wonderful performance there by the up-and-coming star of tomorrow,

voted most likely to be in a Star Wars sequel by BAFTA, Eli Silverman. Eli Silverman. I'm not saying that. Eli, tell me a bit about the process. I'll tell you something. Tell me about the process. I'll tell you about the process. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I come downstairs,

and I thwop. Right. You've got a bad... You've got a bad on the word thwop because it's become your go to word when you run out of thoughts it's just

it's like I almost saw it going like a sonic wave it was almost like the explosion a few days ago in London I can't say thwoppage

it's not even an original thing I know it's just terrible thwoppage give me oh god cheap eats everybody yeah it's cheap eats everybody so we've got some cheap eats now I know. It's just terrible. Floppage. Give me... Oh, God. Cheap eats, everybody.

Yeah, it's cheap eats, everybody. So we got some cheap eats. Now, we're going to vary it up. We got some from the PO box, didn't we? We do got some. We do got some. We do got some from the PO box. I do got some from the PO box.

I do got some from the PO. I do got some from the PO box. I do got some from the PO. Floppage. Shut up! Swap out the got some from the P.O. box, mate! Right, so have you got... Let's start with you. Can we alternate items, maybe?

Do you want me to start, then? Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'll start with these, because these are horrible. These are horrible. These are from the P.O. box. Out of date, sorry. How far out of date are these? It doesn't matter.

It does. Because if it's like two years, I don't want to eat it. No, it doesn't matter. Bacteria can't get in there. Best before date, 14-09-19. So September 14th. Oh, my birthday! It's only a month and a half ago or something.

Anyway, we tried something similar. No, we tried the exact same thing actually Biffo and Aschins did on the Digitizer channel. But someone sent these independently to us. They are Lao, which is Lay's, which is Walker's,

which are crisps. And these are cooling sensation melon bingsu flavour. Oh, melon crisps. Well, I'm quite interested to try these, Paul.

Did you have these before? No. Okay. So we did have, recently we had the cucumber ones, didn't we, that I got and the numbing pepper, both of which were disappointing.

But the cucumber was just, frankly, yeah, just a strange flavour sensation that I'm not willing to journey to again. We did, but we did have, we did have melon, but they weren't this brand. We had a different brand of melon flavour, Chris. We didn't have the Walker's melon flavour. So it must be a thing. Now, these are limited edition and it's cooling sensation, as we've stated,

because they have a kind of menthol aftertaste. Oh my God. Which I don't understand the idea of, even on a conceptual level.

Why would you want crisp to taste like menthol cigarettes for a start? You wouldn't. And then, I mean, mints taste like

mints, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or pairing it with melon. Do you know what I saw on mint Oreos today? Mint Oreos? Oh, but that'd be nice though. That'd be quite nice, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or pairing it with melon. Do you know what I saw on mint Oreos today? Mint Oreos? Oh, but that'd be nice, though.

That'd be quite nice, wouldn't it? Yeah, but that'd be quite nice. You should have picked some up. You should have picked some up. I'll pick some up next time. I'll pick some up. I'll go round there. And come round there.

And go round there. And go round there. And I've got... Swampage! I was just going to get there before you did. You just say it. Yeah. So, I'm going to let you open these and do the Huff Report.

Cooling Sensation Melon Bingsu Flavour. I wonder what bingsu is. I don't know. Now these have suffered a bit in transit. Shall I look up bingsu? Please. How do you spell it? Bing and su. Now I'm going to do my patented hoof injection technique on this where I get

one nostril and I take a small, rip a small corner of the packet off and pump the half air right up my nostril. It's a rather intense practice, but Eli is a trained professional, so please do not do this at home. Did you look up what bingsu means? I think it's Korean, a type of food preparation. I wonder what it is.

I don't know. All right, so delicate operation, just to remove the smallest corner of the crisp packet. Get the nostril ready. It's ready. It's ready smallest corner of the crisp packet. Yeah. Get the nostril ready. Yeah. It's ready. It's ready. It's cleared to go.

And I'm going to pinch below where I'm ripping off, so none of that precious, precious huff air gets wasted, Paul. Yeah, in the opening. In the opening. Here we go. Here we go. Again, don't try this at home. Eli is a trained huff professional.

It's the smallest corner I can get. There. Here he goes. And it a trained hoof professional. It's the smallest corner I can get. There. Here he goes. And it's gone. Oh, oh, it's quite nice. Is it? Yeah. Very Melanie with an undercurrent of potato, as you might expect.

There's all sorts of shit going on in the house of pickles. The house of pickles is a flurry. No, smell that. It's ice creamy. Oh, yeah. It's quite nice, don't you think? I donurry. No, smell that. It's ice creamy. Oh, yeah. It's quite nice, don't you think?

I don't know if I like it because it is ice creamy but then it's meant to be melon. It's meant to be slightly minty. Are you getting it? In fact, it's making me feel quite luscious. Weirdly.

I don't know if it's because my brain's informed it's out of date so it's affected me. It's a sort of staleness, a bit of a potato staleness. It's not really that out of date though, Paul. We'll find out when you take the first bite.

And they just look like ordinary crisps. They're not blue or anything for the cooling. I'm not looking forward to this. Well, give it a go. Oh, instantly the face has turned to that of a sour sow. Oh, God. Oh, those are really wrong.

Yeah. I have never eaten a crisp like that in my life. Oh, wow. What are your sensations? They're very sweet. That's the first thing. But then the cooling comes on straight away. Yeah.

And it is like a mint or something, like a cooling mint. Yeah. It's a strange sensation. There's a crisp taste as well underneath it all, which just doesn work oh god do you know what i mean it does taste like melon i can't fault it for that oh it's not pleasant who would be into that and then there's the mint there it is yeah and there's also oh give me another one because i want to describe it It's very It's an acidity Do you know what I mean It's an acidity from the Oh god

Those are rank Those are Straight up disgusting Yeah But you know It's only to our palate Maybe to the Koreans It's a special edition isn't it

Yeah Special edition just means Let's try this shit out Without committing to it See if anyone likes it Yeah No It's like when we had the strawberry Crisps Remember that Yeah Similar out without committing to it. See if anyone likes it. Yeah. No. It's like when we had the strawberry crisps.

Remember that? Yeah. Similar kind of reaction to it. Did you like those, though? I did not like the strawberry crisps. I don't like any of these sweet. I did not like them. Fair enough.

But this is... I don't like it. I didn't like the cucumber ones either, but they were preferable to these. You know what I do like? Don't say thwoppage. No, I won't say thwoppage. I do like that, though. He does.

I don't really. I just say it. I know, but you like the sensation of saying thwoppage. I like the mouthfeel of that word. You like the mouthfeel of thwoppage? Oh, sorry. It's a fat, coolly crisp on me. Well, the aftertaste is horrible.

That's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. We're going to need some closet cleanser. Ballot cleanser. Yeah, I've got some. Closet cleanser. I've got a little bit of pre-prepared latte. Okay, there you go.

Terrible. Well, there you go. Out of five. I really didn't like them at all. I couldn't eat like... I couldn't eat any more than the one I had. And even that was out of morbid curiosity. Do you think they would have been better if they were in date?

They would have been slightly firmer. I don't know. They didn't taste out of date, to be fair. But then, what they did taste of was horrible. So it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter. They were terrible. I'll give it half a point.

Mr. Silverman, I'm going to give that one point and it's now over to you. Okay, now, hopefully this will be a bit more pleasant, Paul. I'd hope so too. I'm going to hand you this. Oh, it looks big.

Oh, it is big. It's big. It's probably one of the biggest one of these I've ever seen. I'll tell you what, that melancholy is fucking repeating on me.

And it's not a nice place to visit. No. Here you go. I'm going to hand this to you, Paul. Say what you see. Yeah? Oh, it's a very small penis. I'm always going to do that gag.

Oh, no. I'm always going to do it. I'm always going to do that gag. What does it look like? A crow's beak? No. It looks... Hey, look.

Hey, look, Paul. What's that behind you? It's a little globe. Inflatable globe. Imagine that inflatable globe. I'm looking at the inflatable globe and agreeing that it is an inflatable globe. Now, let me just find something. Am I meant to be tasting...

It's a half-smoked rollie. What does that remind you of? I've put the half-smoked rollie on top of that globe. Well, it does, I believe, resemble your cock and balls. Look, Paul. I'm putting it in my crotch area. How do you like that? Do you like that?

Yeah. Do you like it? Yeah. Do you want it? like that? Do you like that? Do you like it? Do you want it? Do you like it? It's resting right up on the globe It's right on the equator Oh Foppage on the equator Come on

Describe that It's by a company called Cosco Established in 1907 What is it? It is a wafer It's a square packet About the size of a 7 inch record isn't it? It's a wafer halibut. It's a square packet. About the size of a 7-inch record, isn't it? It's a bit smaller.

Excuse me. I'm doing the explaining. Sorry. You go on about comparing your cock and balls to big and small things. Costco. It's a waffle. It's a wafer. It's a big biscuit. It's a big wafer though, isn't it? It's like a 7-inch vinyl single. Do you want to take a photo of that before we destroy it, basically?

I've taken a picture. And it has a little picture of a child who's enjoying it. Do you want to take a photo of that before we destroy it, basically? There it is in its virgin state. And it has a little picture of a child who's enjoying it, who's saying, hey, have a look at this. Hey, look at this. It's my big, weird, mutant wafer thing. All right, so, yeah. Does it have stuff in it? Oh, let's find out.

Let's open it up and let's find out. Take the whole thing out. Oh, it's just... It's a big, round... Wow. Hang on, you hold that. I'll take a picture of that now. Take a picture of that. It the whole thing out. Oh, it's just... It's a big round... Wow. Hang on, you hold that. I'll take a picture of that now. Take a picture of that.

It needs to be seen. This is a very unusual item, Paul, on Cheap Eats today. 1907 it has, Costco. So that must be the... The thing is actually called a Kagek Helva. Mate, you're repeating stuff I've just said. Do not listen. No.

You're just thinking about when the next time you can say fucking thwoppages. I'm not thinking about it. God, it's really hard to say fucking thwoppage Fucking thwoppage Fucking thwoppage I'm just going to break it in half and see if there's a centre to it Careful because you're going to get crumbs all over the house of pickles I don't give two fucks Have you seen what's on the floor?

Well not crumbs Crumbs Yeah Salty cock crumbs Oh it has got a sticky centre. It's got halva in it. Now, do you know what halva is? I don't.

It's a sort of sesame-based, sesame and honey-based confection from that part of the world. I'm teasing the flaps. Have you never had halva? No. It comes in a block. It's like a powdery block.

It looks spoffy when you open it up. I mean, that's one of the spoffiest things I've ever seen in my life. It is the spoffiest centre I've ever seen on a biscuit. It's got three layers. On either side of the middle mean, that's one of the spoffiest things I've ever seen in my life. It is the spoffiest centre I've ever seen on a biscuit. It's got three layers. On either side of the middle layer, there's the halva, which looks... It's three layers of waffle filled with a spoffy centre.

Well, I'm just going to have a bite. I'm going to have a bite from the spoffy centre. Does it smell? It smells sweet. Not much. It smells like a waffle. It smells like one of those... Stop saying waffle.

It's a waffle, though, isn't it? This isn't a waffle. There's nothing waffle. This is not a waffle. Yeah, it's waffley. It's a wafer though, isn't it? This isn't a waffle. This is not a waffle. It's a wafer. A wafer. Yeah, all right. Like a kind of pink panther biscuit thing. Right, I'm having a bite.

Here we go. Oh, gosh. That's very sweet. Dry and disappointing. It's very dry. Very sweet. It's very wafery, isn't it? We're not doing well this week, are we, so far?

That's really nasty. It was only 49p, so I guess it's very wafery isn't it we're not doing well this week are we so far that's really nasty it was only 49p so I guess it's good value 49p is good value for a biscuit the size of a huge wafer

the size of a 7 inch record yeah have another little bite there's not much flavour to it though is there no but I will say this it's not repulsive

it's just it's both plain and overly sweet do you know what that'd be nice with some vanilla ice cream or something yeah you could pair it with something couldn't you put what that'd be nice with? Some vanilla ice cream or something. Yeah, yeah. You could pair it with something, couldn't you?

Put it in maybe a nice chocolate fudge cake or something, you know? I just like that guy's expression, the child on the front. He's like, eh, it's a... What? You know, to be fair. He's not bigging it up. He's going, you know, try it. He's kind of here.

Here you go. What's this? Yeah. It's sort of a wafer thing, you know? It's not grey. You know, I'm getting that whole story from him. Now that we've tasted it, I do feel like he's kind of saying,

I'm sorry. Yeah, he does look like he's saying, I'm sorry, mate. It's what we've got for you. I'm sorry. It's cheerful, but he knows that, you know, at its base, everything is disappointing.

He's disappointed in himself for fronting it as well. He's also like, it's the best I could get on this deal. Yeah, it's what he has to do now. I've missed out on the Milky Bar Kid stuff. That's an incredibly underwhelming halver-filled wafer product. Come on. What we're going to do next is a little bit different,

but an experiment I wanted to try. You could almost say it's a bit of an off-brand brand-off, but it's not really. It's more of a brand, brand, brand, brand. Brand, brand, brand, brand. Oh, diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-it. Oh, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand, brand,, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle. Oh, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, brun, br. Right, so, next. All right, let's see. This is good. I like this. This is content, mate. Recently, which is featured on a forthcoming

and by the time this goes out, probably already shown episode of Digitizer with me and you and Biffo opening boxes, we got one from a guy called Mark who gave us some

American stuff from the shop he works in. And one of them was Hershey's Cookies and Cream Candy. I have tried this before. I have also tried this before. I quite also tried this before.

I quite like it. But then it struck me. We always say American chocolate's awful. But then we sell Hershey's in the UK, you know, on our shelves just normally. So I got a British Hershey's Cookies and Cream. Now, so that's the American one. That's the British one. What's the first thing you notice, Paul?

Weight and size. Much bigger than the American one. Yeah, and thicker as well. Yeah. And the other one is more thin-like. It's more... It's just dainty and thin. It's more dainty.

It's more attractive to me. It is, actually. I'll say that. And it's got blue edging. Now, isn't that white chocolate? I thought you couldn't eat white chocolate. Oh, is this white chocolate? Yeah.

You haven't tried it before? I mean, it's not that I can't eat it. I just don't like it a lot. All right. Just have a little nibble. Have a little nibble, yeah. So, I'll let you open the American one, I'll open the British one. Because look, you can see there's an illustration of it there.

Oh, yeah, you're right, there is. Whereas on the front of this, it looks more like an Oreo that they've slapped on the front. That is, the design is different, isn't it? Yeah, it is Oreos. The cookies in the title, Cookies and Cream, are Oreo cookies. Oreos. So, basically, it's a white chocolate bar with crumbled up Oreo cookies in it. And yes, I open it up and it's a white chocolate bar.

That is why the British one is exactly the same. I would say there's going to be zero difference in the taste. Really? Yeah. I don't know. We'll soon find out. I like this. So let's do a taste test test right now so i'm gonna have

the american one and i'm gonna have the british one first here we go it's got that white chocolate taste that you probably feel find is i'm not a big fan but it's not completely unpleasant in fact i think the cookie bits they help make it more palatable they do yeah that's why i like it i'm not a big fan of white chocolate you know know that as well, but that actually, they add texture and they add something that sort of offsets the sickliness of the white chocolate,

doesn't it? And it's not too, you know, sharp with the sugar. Yeah. Because like a lot of chocolate bars, cheaper chocolate bars have that sharpness. That's something you say

that is very close to being meaningless to everyone. But anyway, I'm going to take a bit of the American one now. Now you hand over the English one. Now the English one seems to have... It's more densely packed with the Oreo bits, isn't it?

I guess so, actually. That's a good point. So that's how they're probably saving money. There's more white chocolate in this. Yeah, in the American version. But maybe that will make this bit more unpleasant for me. Yes, I think it will. Let's find out.

Flavour-wise, it's exactly the same product. Do you think? Do you think? That's more... No, actually. I think the American one's a little better. Really? To me, the American one tastes more of the chocolate, more of the white chocolate.

It does. You know, you're right, it does. Oh, it's an interesting discussion, this, because on one hand, I hate both because they're white chocolate, but if I had to pick one... You'd go for the American? No. I think if I had to pick one... You'd go for the American? No. I think if I had to pick one, I'd go for the British one.

It's better. It's more cookie. I think the balance between cookie and cream is better. And it is different, isn't it? But I don't think the chocolate itself is all that different. I think the British one is actually maybe sweeter. Right. I think. They are different, more different than I would have expected.

There's definitely a difference in the terms of the density. It's almost like the British one, same amount of cookie pieces in a smaller amount of white chocolate. And the larger American one is just more white chocolate, but a similar amount of cookie pieces. Do you see what I mean?

The density of cookie pieces is different. I mean, we go through the ingredients bit by bit and see how much cocoa is. I can't be fucked. I want to go by our gut feelings. You know what I mean? Our impulses, our trained taste buds and nasal cav that. I can't be fucked. I want to go by our gut feelings. You know what I mean? Our impulses. Our trained taste buds

and nasal cavities. We've been doing this. We've been at this game for five years now. We've been doing this. Listen, mate. Nothing gets past my gob. Back when we did...

Nothing? You can't fool my gob. You can't fool it. Come on. Just say thwoppage and move on. I don't want to say it. Yeah?

I don't want to say it when you want me to say it. I don't want you to it. Yeah? I don't want to say it when you want me to say it. I don't want you to ever say it, though that's the thing. I think you've worn out thwoppage. I think you've ruined thwoppage. Gobbage. What about that?

Gobbage. Gobbage. But it's got an itch on the end. It's too similar. Right. You need a word like spaffy. Spaffy taffy. A splat load or something.

I don't know. Spaffy taffy. So, ultimately, this section was a bit pointless, but I did want to try it out and scratch an itch. We compared them, and they are different in a way I wouldn't have expected. Yeah, and I would maybe suggest the British one's better. I would say that it definitely is. It's tastier.

And there's less of it. It's tastier. Yeah. Well, I'd like a score, generally, for Hershey's. I'm going to give it three. I quite like it four. I'd say four alright good

as you know Paul I haven't got a very sweet tooth but I could eat a bit of that alright I quite like it oh there we go I don't really like

white chocolate but that is there's something about that combo which works alright you know ok next

your turn for cheap eats time I'm going to because Paul yeah you are my friend oh I'm going to hand you this.

And it just sort of describes what we're doing here. Snack friends. That's what we are. By Cameo. Ow. Let me just open the corner a second. One sec. Bear with me.

Hang on. Oh, no. Get the huff on. That's what I'm saying. Do you need a huff pumper? No. You need me to pump, slap the huff huff on. That's what I'm saying. Do you need a huff pumper? No, I can do this. You need me to pump... Slap the huff up.

No, I know what I'm doing. This is a package, and I'm opening a crack at the seal at the side and having a micro-huff. Micro-huff. Here we go. Smells of packaging, does it? Yeah, you can't really smell

more of the glue and the thing. It's green. Yeah. The packaging is green, which made me think, are these some kind of sort of cheese and onion flavour I think they're just sticks

they're just pretzel sticks let me just open the packet while I check if it's a cameo brand yo pretty ladies yeah no that's a snack that's so bad round the world

did you know cameo you did because but cameo before their 80s incarnation they were like a straight up funk band. Yeah.

And they had Shake Your Pants. If you want a hilarious and fucking funky as fuck video, watch Cameo's Shake Your Pants. Is it a good track? It's fucking one of my favourite. I might put it in the episode right now, though. Yeah, do it. We can move all night Don't stress me My body is just right Put your body with my body And we'll sexulate

Till the time is right Don't stress me And I'll shake you out Don't let them go And I'll let you know Just how to move Don't stress me My body is just right

Shake your pants Shake your pants And let the vibes come through. Shake your pants, I like the way that you dance. Shake your pants, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I'm sure it was good. It's excellent. And the video, they are just all... They're literally...

Because they were like a one-hit wonder. It has sexolate. They made up the word sexolate for that tune tell me the context how is it used later we can sexolate excellent

well I'll be using that right can I book you in for a sexolation later in the week exactly yeah I would very much I would very much like it

these are by Cameo have you tried one of these these are snack friends Paul right are we going to try one I have alright let's have a go. I'd say underwhelming.

The thing is, these are reasonably simple, plain, just mindless. They're not good ones. You're right. They're stale, aren't they? They're soft. They're not very crisp.

God, they're terrible. They have a crunch, but it hides a soft centre, which is kind of weak. I guess they're okay. They do have a sort of pretzel flavour. Are they in date? Because I don't want to slag them.

I don't want to slag them. I don't want to slag them off if they're out of date. Yep, next year. Well, in that case, these are shit. And they've got a saxophone on it. Because, you know, when I think party, friends, I think the guy in the corner playing the saxophone as it erupts twiglets into the air, you know? Like, well, that was creatively a one-way street,

so let's move on to... Oh, we need a score for the snack friends. Three. They weren't unhot. I could finish a pack off if I was massively smunted. Yeah, if you're drinking a beer. Yeah. If you're hungry.

I'm not hungry today. No, I'm not hungry today. So what are you giving it? A three? Yeah. Yeah. Is that all you got for cheap eats? No, I've got plenty more, mate.

Have you got anything else? Let's do one more each. Really? Actually, no. Let's do yours because these are things we've done elsewhere. I just thought I brought it

just in case. Let's do one more with you. I've got two more. Let's just do one more because we're already at half an hour. I've got two more. We're at half an hour already.

Well, I've got two more. We'll pick one because... I can't. They're too good. Right. Right, we'll do both. Quick, quick, quick.

Yeah, you got it. They're brilliant. Quick, quick, quick. First, Happy Swing. Happy Swing? Coco Delight. Happy Swing Coco Delight. They all seem to be kind of music themed, these.

And these are like those things, those Japanese confections that they have at all the conventions. What are they called? They're like a biscuit, aren't they? Like a tube biscuit. They love that stuff, don't they? They are nice, though. I mean, you go to...

Oh, there's a poopy huff on this. There's a real stale chocolate huff on that. A real poopy stale chocolate huff. Coco Delight Happy Swing. These are sticks. They're similar to the Pocky. That's what they're called, Pockys. Ish.

Pockys are more like sticks that are dipped in a chocolate. These are more like biscuits that are in a coil with a chocolate centre. Well, they're more like a straw. Yeah, that's it. A filled straw of chocolate, yeah. Ooh. Do you know what I mean? Really stale.

Oh, God, it smells like a... It smells really stale. It smells like a fisherman's box. Yes. I can't explain it. Yeah, I know what you mean. Because my dad used to go fishing and he had this box, right? Full of worms and stuff.

Maggots and hooks and lines. Is that what that smelled like? It had a particular smell. It does smell. It's a slight fish. There's a slight fish on it. Weird, isn't it? I don't understand that.

No, it's not good. It's not going to be good. They're only 79p. What do you expect? There's loads of them. There are loads of them. I'll give this to you, Paul. All right. Don't not going to be good. They're only 79p. What do you expect? There's loads of them. There are loads of them. Here, I'll give this to you, Paul. All right.

Don't get crumbs on the house of the floor pickles. I mean, the... Sorry. I'm going to have a bite. I'll eat off the other end. Oh, God. There's the lady in the trampit. Yeah?

Come on. We'll nosh each other until our lips meet. Come on. That'd be funny. No. It's just because, honestly, it's not because I'm afraid of getting close to your face. You are. That means I have to eat more of that shit. Yeah. No. It's just because, honestly, it's not because I'm afraid of getting close to your face. You are.

That means I have to eat more of that shit. Yeah. And it's horrible. It's got a really soft chocolate centre. But it's that really cheap chocolate. It's like Nutella or those Nutella knockoffs. Yeah. Not real chocolate, just sort of spread.

Like when we did those spreads years ago. It tastes like that, doesn't it? Yeah. What was that called? Euro creme. Euro creme. It's like a stick, a biscuit stick,. Euro creme. It's like a stick, a biscuit stick,

a wafer stick. It's wafers in fact. Yeah. Which in itself, the biscuit bit wasn't awful but I think that cheap chocolate really fucking shits the bed. And it has that fishy,

it's almost like the palm oil or something underneath it. It's so horrible about it. It's got a viscosity I didn't like. It has a terrible viscosity. With a sharpness of sugar tang. Oh don't, it's not, fuck, don't like. It has a terrible viscosity. With a sharpness of sugar tang. Oh, don't.

It's not. Oh, anyway. Don't stop saying sharp. Sharp is not how you describe something that's over sweet. Anyway. Sickly. Thwoppage. Thwoppage.

Right, I'm never going to say thwoppage again. I give it a couple of minutes later, Joe. Okay, so that was Happy Swing. What do you think? Happy Swing. And finally. Yenny, Yupo, Cocagello. Oh, by the way. Coc jello is what comes out my novel

all the time when i throb it out when i throb it out cocco jelly comes out and i don't have to josh it but i know when i knob it it comes out it comes out panic look you just gave me. Says everything. Cocker jelly. And this has a little character on it. I wonder what this is. It looks like a filled chocolate, like a Coke bottle shape.

And it's got a face. It's got a face on the cover. I mean, the face, I believe, is... Right, it's got a mouth. When it opens, it looks like he's got a mouth full of raspberry in it. Yeah, it's got some kind of fondant. Oh, I know what this is. And it's one of my least favourite things in the world.

It's a raspberry fondant chocolate thing. Oh, no. I'm going to smell it. It looks... No, it looks like... It's got a good weight to it. It looks like a turd. It's got a good weight to it, though.

Cockajello. Feel the weight of it. I feel your cockajello. Feel my cockajello. It's a solid enough thing. It's very solid. Are you having a bite? It's Turkishello. Feel my cockajello. It's a solid enough thing. It's very solid. You're having a bite. It's Turkish Delight.

Let's have a go. I don't, for some reason. It's like Turkish Delight. Turkish Delight gets a pass from me for some reason.

The consistency is very Turkish Delight. Are you getting a coconut at the end of that? You know what it is? It's got a kind of

caramel base. Right. With the jelly on top and the chocolate cursive. It tastes like a bounty. That was not awful.

I expect that to be bloody awful. That was better than what I thought. And actually it had flavour, the chocolate it tastes like a bounty that was not awful I expect that to be bloody awful that was better than what I thought and actually it had flavour the chocolate was quite nice not too bad

the caramel kind of base to it I think it was 20p so it's quite a good 20p and it's quite a nicely sized snack there's a whole world of these Turkish sweets

that are just out there I'm going to give that a three and a half because even though it's not my cup of tea I'd recommend it to people who like that stuff and that is by Ulka

in fact I can see it to people who like that stuff. And that is by Ulka, in fact. I can see it says, in very small writing, Ulka. Oh, it's an Ulka product. And Ulka are like the Turkish Cadbury, sort of. We've covered them before on the show. And we're big fans of Ulka here. I mean, when they do just straight up chocolate, it's really good. Dark chocolate, pistachio, milk chocolate.

In fact, when I was buying the cheap eats for today's episode, Paul, I was trying to avoid Ulker because you know we've done it and we love it but this is an Ulker

kind of that's a you but Cocagello yeah it's a backdoor backdoor Ulker backdoor Cocagello yeah

I had a backdoor Cocagello and then what and then what happened your arse was seeping Cocagello out I was dribbling you were dribbling it

like a snail all over the living room mate someone stopped me in a club and went mate your Cocagello's dribbling out and I was dribbling it like a snail all over the living room. Mate, someone stopped me in a club and went mate, your cockajella's dribbling out.

And I was like, oh. Right, is that our cheap eats for this week? Well, yeah. Yes, it is. It is.

I've got more stuff. I feel quite nauseous. Okay. Because it's been an interesting array of flavours

that have passed my lips. I've enjoyed myself, Paul. I'm feeling better. It's not been our best haul,

but it's been, in many respects, possibly our most interesting. What do you think was the worst? No, that's not true. That's not true. No, it's not true. What do you think was the worst thing? Oh, the crisps.

They were terrible. What else did we do? We did the Hershey's. That's fine. Pretzels were fine. Pretzels were okay. The wafer wasn't very good. Wafer wasn't awful, though.

It didn't make me turn my stomach. The crisps actually might be the worst thing. They are. Just because it was... They're just weird and unpleasant though. It didn't make me turn my stomach. The crisps actually might be the worst thing. They are. Just because it was... They're just weird and unpleasant, uncalled for. That's not what I want from crisps. No. If I wanted a menthol, I'd have a mint.

You know what I mean? I'd have a mint. If I wanted a melon, I'd have a lovely gummy. I'd have a gummy melon over that. If I wanted a crisp, I'd have something savoury. You know what I mean? Homely. A nice kind of...

Roast chicken. Oh, roast chicken! Flavour, that's good. Roast chicken. Call back to... Is it? Or was it just me forgetting piss poor ideas I had years ago?

That you nicked off some fucking 90s comedy show. Anyway. Euro creme. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So, Paul. Yes, that was nice. Well done.

Nice collection. We've had a nice interesting array of things to eat today. Let's shake hands. All right. Oh, it feels funny. No! He's given me the sex finger! No sex finger.

Yes, hello. Welcome to my bookshop of dreams. Oh, hello, I've come for, um... I am... I've come for, uh, you know, those kind of books. We don't. You got any of those? No, we don't sell those books here in this establishment, sir.

You do, yes, you do. We sell books of years gone by. No, I've come for those kind of books, and I won't be leaving. Why'd you have to ruin it? I won't be leaving. Why'd you have to ruin it, Eli? It's all you. Come on.

I was doing a nice professionally man. Show me a dirty book. It was a bookshop of wonders. I'll leave if you give me. All right. Here's a book called Gashers. Oh.

Gashers of the World. Ooh. You can see. Ooh, there's a. Ooh. Mexican gash. There's Mexican gash. I can't believe we're doing this.

I just wanted to do a nice intro with Banu. All right, we'll start the intro again. I'll come in again and we'll do it all very innocent and nice. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Hello. Yes, hello, sir.

Come in. Oh, what? I am Mr, sir. Come in. Oh, what? I am Mr. Brutalist. Oh, I just completely Kaiser Soze'd that. Looking at your Brutalist London map. Yeah, fucking stop looking at the Brutalist. That doesn't work as a name of a bookshop. I am Mr. Grower Winning Hand.

Ah, no. Look, do you know what I have got up there, Paul? What? It's the, I cut up that popcorn, the durian popcorn. Yeah, and you put the bag up there. Yeah, because it's good, isn't it? Because it's like. Doesn't it stink, though?

No. The smell wore off. The smell wore off. But it's basically like a picture of. It's fighting against a lot of smells in here, to be fair. Yeah. Arse gas. Look, I've got a candle there. That's, to be fair. Yeah. Arse gas.

Look, I've got a candle there. That's a smelly candle. A nice smelly candle. I can't smell it because all I can smell is the other shit in this room. Your life detritus. Life detritus. Now, that durian looks like a picture of Corn on the Cob having a dream about a toothy vagina. Doesn't it? Admit it.

Right, come in the bookshop again. No, it's my bookshop. You come in the bookshop again. No, it's my bookshop. You come in the bookshop. No, you come in my bookshop. I'll do it. No, it's not your bookshop. It's my bookshop. You always play the fucking... I'll be Ganon, the bookshop owner. No, because that's me. You can't be me in this segment. Please. Because basically you'll just

go, ick, ick. No, I won't. I've got books. No, I won't. No, I won't. It's a totally different character I'll do, okay? Alright, but you don't know what the books are going to be, so how can you possibly... Oh, I'll come in. I'll be the... Oh, I'll come in. Alright then.

No, can I knock on the door first? Yeah. Yes. Can I come in? Yes. Open the door then Ooh, it's dark in here So you've come looking for

Where's that voice coming from? Where's the voice coming from? You come looking for books, do you? Yeah, I like to read. Do you? Yeah. I have got some books for you in this book of wonders, this bookshop of wonders.

Well, that was so funny, but I would like a book. Poof! I appear. Oh, there you are. I am Mr. Page Turner. I own this bookshop of wonders. Books from all over time and space arrive here at one moment in time for it to be read. And whoever enters my shop gets the privilege of looking at these rare, cheap books of yore.

It's got a very hearty laugh. I like it. Oh, why have I got all... What do you seek today, sir? I would like... Hardcore porn from the 80s. Right, thank you. Really grabby stuff.

In that case, sir, can I introduce you to this book? It's called Russ Abbott's Gasmosphere. Come on, Paul. Get the books. We've ruined that. I'm going to still do the voice for a bit. I have two books today for you. Two books from the past that I have reached out,

grabbed from the void, and brought to your attention this week. I hope you enjoy them. Paul, take over. Thanks. So I've got two books from a charity shop. You've got two books. And one of them is both from the same bookshop. It was a mind in Camden, not the one on the high street,

which is shit. The really posh looking mind that they have and all these other clothes and a couple of gloves. Camden High Street. Yeah. I don't like it when charity shops go like that. I get it. But Oxfam, you know Yeah. I don't like it when charity shops go like that. And Oxfam, you know,

they've gone all like they were charity shops. They were, in fact, they were some of the first charity shops, weren't they? Oxfam shops.

Back in the day, you'd be laughed at. You shop at Oxfam. Yeah. You get your clothes from Oxfam. I think they were one of the first

actual charity brands that actually did it, weren't they? Because it used to say, it used to be shorthand for a charity shop, didn't it? Oxfam, go down the Oxfam or something. I guess.

Didn't it? To be honest, like, again, back in the day, there were stores called, like, the Spastic Society. Oh, yes. That was like, you know, and so obviously you can imagine a 10-year-old finding quite a lot of amusement from that, some of which I'm about to do now. So here we go.

No, I'm not. So there were charity shops. I remember a few growing up, but now they're reasonably prolific because all the major shops close and these come in on the rent. And the internet. But they do sell on the internet, charity shops.

They do indeed, actually. I went to one in Twickenham and the lady said every now and then something will come in because they just dump a big bag of stuff and they go through it. And if she thinks she finds anything that's of value you know that's just

been forgotten about then she'll send it to a friend and that friend will evaluate it like for instance she said a necklace came in

and when they looked at it it was like chock full of diamonds and so they sold it for like £4,000 on eBay and that big chunk of that money

goes to the charity shop because they get a commission for finding it and putting it up online and so that's how they can make money from things like that. Rarities. She also said this old guy died

and they knew him, but the relative brought just all their clothes in a bag and went, and they found that in one of their coats, he'd put chunks of money in bags in the lining. So they found some £500 in 20s. Crazy, but they must have been old 20s. I didn't ask, to be honest, but

yeah, maybe. I've got someone On the inside now Have you? Yeah my dad has started Working in a charity shop Has he? Yeah Just to do something

During the day Yeah Fair enough He's doing like Four hours a week or something Fair enough But he said He's got something

It's an Oxfam bookshop So they're the ones That get all the records And the books So that's more my area. Yeah, isn't it? It's convenient for you. It's better than clothes,

isn't it? True. Anyway, there's the book. This week's book, part one, is Jay Leno's Police Blotter. Real life crime headlines

from the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Now, I'm fascinated by why it would be called a blotter. What do we think that means? I think that's what

they called the segment on the show. The idea being it was like, what's on the police blotter. What do we think that means? I think that's what they called the segment on the show. The idea being it was like, what's on the police blotter? Oh, silly things. Yeah, but what is a police blotter? Well, a blotter is just a pad, isn't it? A writing pad. And I think... It comes from ink blotter, doesn't it?

It comes from ink blotter. Yeah, I think it comes from the fact that maybe the paper is, when you write on it, you get two copies at the same time. So maybe that's what they're saying. It's like a police blotter, a pad. I'm not familiar with that use of language. So it's a book full of segments they've done on the show

where Jay Leno read something out and then made a little witty comment afterwards. These are amusing news stories. Such as? Well, police reports. Sex crime. A woman was walking past the man in a parking lot

when the pervert lowered his trousers and mooned her. She said she recognised the man as an old high school acquaintance. That's it. Yeah. The joke being that she recognised him from his arse, I think, because of the way grammatically it was put together. That's poor.

Now, Paul, so you've got the reports and don't you have little quips from Leno as well? Yeah. So what was the one on that? I think it was shit. Hang on. Well, it's all shit so this is the arse mooning memories like the corners of your mind is that that's the then equipped doesn't make any sense he sung it probably didn't he went memories

in the corner of my mind the memory of that and then someone held a sign in front of the audience and went laugh you fucking laugh you have a look have a little search for a book I'll read one out what tickles your fancy now this is in the format it's a long wide pages it won't sit on a bookshelf comfortably

unless it's on its side but that is a format that a lot of toilet humour books come in humour books humour books are always of a regular size

do you ever go to the doctors and they had like a whole stack of those Giles cartoon books? Or Garfield. Giles. Did you enjoy those? I never enjoyed a single one.

No, Giles. I don't remember any of Giles. Do you remember Giles? I know of it, but I don't remember reading books about him. Because it was all very, very not good. What's in here? I've discovered something that's been left by the previous owner in this book. Oh, what is it?

These are two tickets. Two tickets? For a show at the Royal Albert in this book. Oh, what is it? These are two tickets. Two tickets? For a show at the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah. The BBC presents the 99th season of Henry Wood Promenade concerts. The proms. Sunday, August the 8th, 93.

Wow, that's old. I think you've read that wrong. Look at it. It says, The BBC presents the 99th season of Henry's Wood, prominent's old. I think you've read that wrong. Look at it. It says, The BBC presents the 99th season of Henry's Wood, prominent and hard. That's so poor. You laughed at it.

I didn't. You did, though. I didn't. I heard you. You thought it was amusing. I did not. So who bought the tickets, as it's like? Kay Davis.

Kay Davis, if you're listening, we've got your tickets. Well, these are already how many? Over 20 years old. Anyway, find the story that I'm using here. Take your time. We can edit it out. It's a short one.

Oh, all right. So the news story, every page is the same format. You've got in a box, you have what looks like a cut out of a newspaper. Cut out of the newspaper. And then you have in quote marks what Leno said. I take it. All right. Okay, so you ready for this one?

Yes. The club. Yeah. An anti-car theft device. That's what it says. Deviced? No. You said it.

An anti-car theft device. Yeah. Was stolen from a vehicle. And something's redacted here. Yeah, maybe someone's name or an address. Of Tusslin East Drive. Yeah. A coat hanger was possibly used to gain entry.

So what they're saying is someone used something easy to steal security device. Oh, they stole... What's Jay Leno's quip? Wow, this is dry, Paul. What is Jay Leno's quip? Gee, do you think they used a radio to get into the car to get the club? What? What?

None of this makes sense. None of this works. This is just word porridge. That's all it is. I'll try another one. All right, find another one. All right. Don't drink the coffee, this is titled.

Right, don't drink the coffee. What's your guess? Someone pisses in it, yeah? Maybe, or it wasn't coffee, it was bleach. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. It wasn't coffee. It was bleach.

Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Employees of the Marita Bread Company in Greensboro, NC, noticed last year that their company coffee machine produced a foul-tasting brew. Oh, no. And they tried various remedies to improve the taste. Yeah. Some employees then remembered a heated dispute they had had with a delivery man who had access to the plant in evening hours

and thus organised a stakeout. Dale David Tinsteman, 46, was later arrested for having urinated into the coughing machine daily for several months. Oh, they've been drinking piss. That's bad. Pissy coffee. That's not good, is it?

Do you reckon he had a complete full piss into it or just like a dribble? Well, it depends. He's doing it every night, isn't he? Come on. He doesn't mind. It doesn't mind. Do you reckon you'd notice if it was coffee piss? Well, no, because it's very hard.

You know how, from doing tasting on this show, taste is very contextual to what it looks like, what it smells like, what the package looks like. All it smells like, what the package looks like. All of these things affect the taste, don't they? Like a visual,

like a visual optical illusion. You could taste something and then if you're not told what taste it is, it doesn't even form into a perception

until you are told and then it's like, oh yeah, of course, do you see what I mean? Like the way that... So someone turned around and went,

he pissed didn't he? I was like, oh, there you go, it was piss. It's foul taste. I recognise the piss now. So do you want and went, he pissed, didn't he? I was like, ah, there you go. It was piss. It's foul taste. I recognise the piss now. So do you want to hear the Leno quips?

Yeah. And don't eat the yellow snow. Oh, God. This is just so hackneyed, isn't it? It really is hack. I mean, I'm going to presume they were taken from the broadcast. Or there's two for this one. Oh, you've got a choice.

Do you think this is going to be better? It's not. Or, and this non-dairy creamer tastes kind of funny too. It's spunk. Yeah. That's right. Spunk, spunk, spunk. Spunk, spunk, spunk.

Spunk in the coffee. Drink it all up. Spunk, spunk, spunk. Spunk, spunk, spunk. He always looks so happy when he does these little songs. Spunk in the coffee. And this is shit, isn't it? This is shit.

Jesus Christ. And he lasted 20 odd years In that fucking role Well it's just the book isn't it He's better live Than this stupid book I mean don't get me wrong Maybe in context With a bit of performance behind it

You think alright fair enough That was terrible mate They had to put shit out Every night though didn't they I mean Yeah they did And I can imagine They just went

That book is really unamusing in a deeply, deeply boring and unamusing way. I'm sorry, Paul. Yeah, no, fair enough.

We're going to move on to our next book then. Gannon's Page Turners. Yes. This one should be a bit more fruitful. Okay,

so the book I've got here is called The Return of the Heroic Failures. And it's a sequel. It's a Stephen Pyle book. And we looked at his first one, Heroic Failures, didn't we? I think, in a Christmas special a Stephen Pyle book. And we looked at his first one,

Heroic Failures, didn't we? I think in a Christmas special a few years ago. Yeah. We looked at his first book, it's called Heroic Failures. And this is the sequel,

More Failures. And I'll be honest, there's some cracking stories in here. All right, let's have one. So let me have a little look. Again, I don't know where he sources them.

I'm imagining they're sourced maybe from newspapers and things like that at the time. Well, he's done a bit of research, hasn't he? He's done a bit of research. He's done a bit of research well he's done a bit of research hasn't he's libraries newspapers reference books yeah all right what about uh microfiches the least successful home repairs okay home repairs offer immense scope to the right sort of person in 1980 mr brian heiss of utah showed the way

when he woke up to find a burst pipe flooding his house. Oh no. It's a horrible thing to wake up to. It's not good. It's not good to watch you do it. Especially if it was a shit pipe. Yes, if it was a shit pipe.

If you had, for some reason, a pipe doing nothing but pumping shit constantly through your house. Paul, don't be so idiotic. Of course there's a shit pipe in every house.

What do you think takes the shit away? Yeah, but it's on the outside of the house, isn't it? Not necessarily. If it's a large house, it might have to go through a room. The shit pipe room. Yeah, but toilets are usually against the wall of a building.

Usually. Yeah, usually. It could be a shit pipe. Just admit that. All right, it could be a shit pipe. And that would be much worse. It would be much worse. But in this story, is it a shit pipe?

No, it's just a burst pipe. Okay, could be piss pipe. Could have piss coming out of it. If you want it to be piss, you imagine it to be piss. What if there was a vomitorium upstairs? What kind of man is living in a house like that where any time he could be covered? Very debauched rich man. Oh, come to my vomitorium, little man.

Oh, come in here. It's a shit pipe, that. I'm proud of that. What's that, sir? It's a gold-plated shit pipe. What's that? It's a vomit pipe. What's that? It's a vomit pipe. What's that?

It's a piss pipe. And what do I do with all three of these things? Smash them up. And then what? All shit, piss and vomit will come out. What a great sketch. Right, so desiring to hire a pump, he went out to his car only to find the tyre was flat. We need to pump for that as well.

Yeah, returning indoors to make a phone call, he received an electric shock so great that he was hurled across the room and ripped the telephone out of the wall fuck he's not having a good day no he's not he then found that dampness had called the floor to swell and the front door was jammed so he could not get out so he's gonna die in there a seminal figure in the world of home repairs he spent some while screaming through the window for help only when a neighbour smashed down the front door did Mr Heiss notice that his car was being stolen.

Having informed the police, hired a pump, sealed the leak and cleaned up the flat, Mr Heiss felt that the moment had come to finally relax. Displaying an impressive versatility, he went to a nearby Civil War pageant

and within minutes of arrival sat on a bayonet. Wow! He had a bad day, didn't he? He had a tough day. Can I read one now? Yeah, go went to a nearby Civil War pageant and within minutes of arrival sat on a bayonet. Wow! He had a bad day, didn't he? He was a tough day. Can I read one now? Yeah, go on, have a look. Well, what's a good one? Just have a look, see what catches your fancy. Open a page anywhere. Worst ever variety act? Go for it. Okay.

The worst act in the history of light entertainment was almost certainly the Cherry Sisters from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Their performance was so entertaining that a wire net had to be erected across the footlights to protect them from a shower of potatoes, apples, cabbages and other tributes.

So they had a food net. That were regularly hurled at this unique musical quartet. The sisters themselves insisted that it was the work of envious rivals yes we often think about that with our podcast when people say shit we think they're just jealous yeah just you don't have a scatological podcast no you don't you don't say thwoppage and spoff do you just because you have intellectual debate yeah respectable people yeah and we just sit here in a room literally filled with shit it It's not literally filled with... I take umbrage at that, Paul.

It's not literally full of shit. I just want you to make it clear to everyone, I don't shit in here. Okay? I don't. I don't. I don't. I'm human. You could poo into a sock when you can't be off to get out of bed on a cold night. I would not do that. And seal it up with elastic bands. I would not do that. I was thinking about that the other day,

that thing you showed me about if you were going to shit in the shower, what would you do? Smush it all down the hole or put it in your hand and chuck it into the loo? Nearby toilet. I'd smush it down. It depends on the viscosity of it.

Yeah. I've said that twice today. Yeah, you like it. If I felt it was going to be a deep, solid one, I'd probably catch it and plop it in the toilet. No, but it's not going to stay solid because you've got the shower going. It's going to disintegrate. You're going to get it deep solid one, I'd probably catch it and plop it in the toilet. No, but it's not going to stay solid because you've got the shower going. It's going to disintegrate. You're going to

get it all over the floor. You know sometimes when you've had a poo, it's almost shaped like a brick. It's got proper molecular structure to it. Yeah, but anyway, you're wrong. You need to shmush. It depends. If it's a big old dog egg, I'm going to plop it in the toilet. How would it be a dog

egg if you've done it? What, a dog gets in the shower? You shower with a dog? And I squish his shit down the toilet. Oh, wow. Yeah. Now, and you're telling me I'm dirty. Yeah, I call him Scooby Poop.

He did a snot. Their act opened with Aggie, Effie, Lizzie and Jessie walking awkwardly to the centre of the stage in shapeless flame red gowns, hats and wooden mittens of their own making. Right. Three of them were tall, thin and sang, while Jessie was short, fat and played a bass drum.

Yeah, it was like, come on, I want to be in the band. Yeah, but you don't look like your sisters. I want to sing. Can we give you a drum? Oh, yeah, I'll have a drum. Okay, and they stood there acknowledging the ecstatic hoots which greeted their arrival and then launched into a uniquely strained soprano version of Tara Boomdie.

Tara Boomdie, Tara Boomdie. And their version included the verse, Cherries ripe, Boomdie, cherries red, Boomdie, the cherry sisters have come to stay. Not that bad. The song was accompanied by a range of hearty gestures that were refreshingly untarnished by female grace. So what, they were doing like, what, like

waist... You almost said throppage there, didn't you? No, I didn't. Careful. Were they doing like thrusting? Thrusting, or like doing this with their hands shaking? Were they like, or like rubbing the crotch? Rubbing, giving the old camel toe a good old picking.

Hearty gestures. Yeah. Yeah. They were also intermittent thumps upon the drum the audience sat transfixed with disbelief until the cherry sisters shuffled off the stage showing not the slightest trace of nervousness nervousness or of the talent normally associated with this line of work in 1896 they were taken to new york by oscar hammerstein the impresario yeah who said i've tried putting on the best acts and it hasn't worked now i'm trying the worst the new york times review of their opening night on the 17th of november was headed four freaks from iowa in it the critics said it was all too obvious, all too obviously,

they were genuine products of the barnyard and the kitchen. Never before did New Yorkers see anything in the least like the Cherry Sisters and suggested that their performance might be due to poor diet. Another critic wrote that

a locksmith with a strange rasping file could earn ready wages taking the kinks out of Lizzie's voice. Ooh, catty. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Rrrr.

Yeah, wit. That's the wit. Their repertoire also included I'm Out Upon The Mash, Boys. That must be mash as in whiskey. Whiskey, yeah. Whiskey mash. Curfew Must Not Ring Tonight. I'm out.

Yeah. Getting fucked. Don't You remember sweet Alice Ben Bolt and the modern young man a recitation with a growing reputation

as the world's worst variety act they constantly played to capacity crowds all over America of course Hammerstein's hunch paid off

they were big see this reminds me I think I don't know if I've mentioned this on the show before, or whether I've spoken to you about it. There was a story I heard, and I can't remember where now, but basically, long story short, it was like two or three sisters

were brought up in a very religious family, and they weren't allowed to watch TV or listen to music. This is 20th century, this story. Yeah, but for whatever reason, their dad forced them to be in a band, so they wrote songs, and he recorded an album and because they'd never heard music before what they did was both awful and amazing at the same time unique

yeah i think that's probably what they are they're the real deal do you know what i mean it's really bad the story goes is that this album is now like one of like some artists faves like apparently uh kurt cobain from nirvana rated it as one of his favourite albums of all time because it's raw and so years later people found the album again and were like oh this is a kind of weird masterpiece I need to find out what those sisters were it links into outsider art doesn't it Paul you're aware of the concept of outsider art

I might be but let's explain basically outsider art is stuff made by people who have mental health problems or are untrained as artists. They don't go to art school. They just make art. And then someone discovers it and says this has a unique...

Because they're untrained, because they aren't taught how to make it, they come up with something unique and original, basically. Because they're not bound by rules and cliché and convention. and original, basically. Because they're not bound by rules and cliché and convention. I went to an exhibition of Japanese outsider art that was made by people in mental institutions, and some of it was incredible.

Really incredible. One guy had drawn these pictures again and again, these felt-tip pictures of one of his counsellors, and her face just kept getting wider and wider in these pictures, and squarer and squarer. Yeah.

It's just really bizarre. That's kind of sounding a bit demented. Yeah. Well, they were, you know, had mental health problems. As I say, it creates beautiful, interesting art, doesn't it? Fucking, oh God. All right, I'll just do this one then. The least successful attempt to murder a spouse.

Ready? Yeah. Dwarfing all known previous records for matrimonial homicide, Mr. Peter Scott of Southsea made seven attempts to kill his wife without her once noticing that anything was wrong. Right, in 1980, he took out an insurance policy on his good lady that

would bring him £250,000 in the event of her accidental death. Soon afterwards, he placed a lethal dose of mercury in a strawberry flan, but it all dribbled out. Because, you know, it's mercury. I know, because it's Cheat Show.

Yeah, I kind of imagined that it meant her fanny. I'll bake your strawberry flan. And then spoff in it. Now say thwoppage. Thwoppage? There we go. Right. Not wishing to waste this deadly substance, he next stuffed her mackerel with the entire content of the bottle. Oh, I stuffed her mackerel with mercury last night.

Christ. Oh, and it all rolled out. I've got lead in my pencil. Oh, I've got mercury in mine. Lethal. So what? Hang on. Explain this to me.

So he tried to put it in her flan. And because Mercury's Mercury it just kind of just seeped out it's very dense Mercury's dense and it will yeah so it didn't

stick to the flan it probably came out the bottom yeah and then he just stuffed her mackerel with the I mean

he used the Mercury again he probably cut it open and just poured it straight in although it is deadly poisonous Mercury it's not very good

as a poison no I would say it'd be pretty obvious yeah you'd see it there as well I mean yeah straight in. Although it is deadly poisonous, mercury is not very good as a poison. No. Do you see what I mean? I would say it'd be pretty obvious. Yeah, you'd see it there as well. I mean, yeah, it's not the best thing to do,

but maybe it was the easiest thing for him to get hold of. But also, again, thinking ahead, accidental death, how did she accidentally get a whole bottle's worth of mercury in her face?

Well, but you know, murderers usually aren't rational. No, and he seems like he's thick as shit, this guy. And thick. Yeah. However, this time, she ate it.

She ate the mackerel. But with no side effects whatsoever. I don't know how that happened. I think mercury as well is one of these poisons that kill you immediately. You have to be exposed to it over time. And it builds up. Do you see what I mean? Well, that's like the Mad Hatter, isn't it?

Exactly. The idea was when they were making hats, their overall mercury made them go... Was it mercury? Yeah. Lead is similar as well. Lead builds up. I can't remember what they used mercury for, but for whatever reason,

they were working with a lot of hat makers. The way they treated something or stiffened it. Maybe they licked the paint or something. It was a paint, yeah. Either way, the mercury in that got to them over time, hence the Mad Hatter. Anyway, she ate it. No effects.

Warming to the task, he then took his... I bet she had a bad shit after that. Oh, dear. I don't know what I ate last night. But it's run right through me. Oh, I'm mad at lady plops, but it came out like a thunder. Honestly, I couldn't say...

Oh, squish that in. I couldn't. Oh, it's all metallic. Very strange. It looks like I've shat out the T-1000. It's quite a good reference. Yeah, that was quite good. Not particularly funny. What a reasonably good point of1000. That's quite a good reference. Yeah, that was quite good. Not particularly funny.

But a reasonably good point of reference. No, a reasonably constructed. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Imagine that. You did a big shit that it formed into a robot and chased you down. That would be bad. That's a great...

Right, write this down. I'm not writing shit down for you. Term shit-nator. Term shit-nator poo. Poo-nator. Nugget-ment-date. We've really lost it, mate. It's a late night recording, what do you expect?

Anyway, take him to the task. He then took his better half. I just said Pooninator. Yeah, you did. He then took his better half on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending the panoramic views, he invited her to sit right on the edge of a cliff. Come on, just sit there, love.

Right on the edge of that cliff. Didn't she clock on? Well, she declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some sixth sense. Oh, yeah. The fact that you've served me a fish full of fucking mercury. I don't know what it was. I had this sixth sense about him saying,

get close to the edge of the cliff. Go to the fucking cliff. Go on. Look over the cliff. It was about the way he said, you chicken bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, do it. I don't know, six cents.

The same occurred a few weeks later when he urged her to savor the view from beach he had. Oh, I really like cliffs. Let's go to this one this week. They seem to be visiting a lot of cliffs, huh? Yeah. She thinks she's having a lovely day out, but he's like, God, just fucking just slip, you bitch. Come on, fucking just take a sleep.

Right. When his spouse was in bed with chickenpox, he then started a fire outside her bedroom door, but some interfering busybody put it out. Undeterred, he started another fire and this time burnt down his entire flat. His wife escaped uninjured. Oh, wow.

Another time, he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so he could drive towards her and check if his brakes were working she's stupid as well he's thinking shit though just stand there because i've got i've got to test my brakes yes they don't work do you know what i mean that's not how you test so here we go so if i hit you at 30 miles an hour, it means my brakes don't work. Is that all right? Yeah. So anyway, at no time did Mrs. Scott feel

that the magic had gone out of their relationship since it appeared nothing short of a small nuclear bomb would have altered her good opinion on her husband. He eventually just gave up and confessed everything to the police. After the case, a detective said that Mrs. Scott had been absolutely shattered when she was told of her husband's plot to kill her.

She had not twigged at all and was dumbstruck. Wow. Love, love is blind. Love is blind and stupid and desperate for cash. Yeah. I think we could go back to this book because I've got a few stories that I missed out, but I'll go back to it.

I quite enjoyed that. Now, that's much better researched and written than the Jay Leno. That's terrible. The Jay Leno one is like, you maybe read it on the toilet and then you go, as you crack one out. The Jay Leno one is like, you maybe read it on the toilet and then you go as you crack one out. But also, this is

just stuff that they research quickly for the show each week. It's lazy. They've just shoved it in a book. Anyway. Those are my books this week. I enjoyed that. Could I come back to this shop one more time? You're always welcome. Also, could you just slip me some grotty 80s porn?

If you go to the bins round the back, you'll find a stack of magazines that I like to call Granny's Grey Edition. Oh. If you look in it, you'll find some of the pages are stuck together, and I hate you for making me make this gag. It wasn't me who made you make it. Bye. Bye. Close the door made you make it. Bye.

Bye. Close the door behind you on the way out. All right. And that's Cheap Show this week. And that's Cheap Show this week.

That's Cheap Show this week. Yay, yay, yay, yay. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon if indeed you do so. For as little as a dollar a month

you can help support I think we should give them a special thanks this week. Go on. Give them a little special so. For as little as a dollar a month, you can help support this podcast. I think we should give them special thanks this week. Go on, give them a little special thanks. Not done it in a while, so here's to those who do Patreon us. They get this. Special beard oil dripping down the chin. Oh, drippy, drippy.

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That helps. have we got a lot of stuff from the P.O. Box? We do. We're doing another special P.O. Box. We're doing a special P.O. Box episode. Hey! In the coming weeks. In fact, maybe quite soon before Christmas. Ah. So we'll get that another special poo box. We'll be doing a special poo box episode in the coming weeks. In fact, maybe quite soon

before Christmas. So we'll get that out of the way and then we'll work on our Christmas special this year. And I don't want to give too much away, but we're doing something that every show does eventually

when it comes to Christmas. Yes. And we haven't done yet, surprisingly. I'm sure we did. No, I don't think we have. So we're going to completely rinse that idea to death

for Christmas. Let's rinse it out. Squishy, squishy, squishy. Dribble, dribble, drop. What else? What else is there? That's it, isn't it? That's it.

That's it. All right, wonderful. Thank you very much. All the fun we have on Cheap Show. Tell your friends. Spread your bum cheeks. Thank you for that. Thank you for that.

Great. you for that great