CheapShow - Ep 158: A CheapShow Carol

Episode Date: December 20, 2019

It's only taken 5 years, but the economy comedy podcast is FINALLY doing it's own knock off version of Charles Dickens' yuletide classic "A Christmas Carol". Expect a reasonably troubling and certainly unique interpretation of the source material. Grumpy old Eli gets the Scrooge treatment this year when Paul decides he needs a visit from 3 ghosts. It's definitely not just Paul dressed up in awful costumes. Not at all. Eli is sent whizzing back to the 80s for a retro Christmas morning, hurled into a present day candy store and plays a deathly important game against The Ghost of Christmas Future. His very life is on the line! In fact, Eli's whole reality could be at stake! Merry Existential Christmas! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-158-a-cheapshow-carol If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow Watch “Beanus Christmas” Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r840-zSw95M

Yes, and that's it for The Cheap Show this week. Our Christmas special done and dusted. Flange. Don't say flange. You've been saying it all episode and it's not related to Christmas. No, come on now. Let's have a little recap of the characters that I've created this Christmas. All right, this Christmas special.

There's Flange Hat McGee. Yeah, there's Flange Hat McGee. There's McGurter McGurter. There's lots of characters coming up, ladies and gentlemen. McGurter McGurter, come on. That was great, McGurta Magurta. Yeah, there's also Slap Hand Fanny. Slap Hand Fanny.

Which I think is actually your most offensive character to date, despite the kind of cute name. How can it be offensive? We're not going to get into it. You've already offended half the female population listening to this. So we'll move on. All right. I also want to say thank you to all the guests we've had on today.

Some really big names. Some of the past. Some you'll see in the future. They like it when I say flange. No, they didn't. That's why most of them have left. So that's it. Goodbye.

That's it. Merry Christmas, everybody. W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W. I'm going to punch you in the fucking dick hard with a knuckle duster on. Dick hard? Merry dick mess.

Hello, I'm dick hard. Merry dick mess. I'm going to smash it. I'll spoff in your mouth while you're asleep. That's it. I've come down to it. That's what it's all come down to. .co.uk and at CheapShowPod.org.

At Paul Gannon Show. .myorgan. You know what? What's the point? Merry Christmas, everybody. Say it. Come on, say it. Sorry, Paul.

Forward slash my organ. Yeah, I'll do that. www.forward slash my organ. Big'll do that www.forward slash my organ big space hyphen gash yeah gash tag gash right

merry Christmas and a happy new year what about my twitter handle Eli Snoid have you told them yours yes you weren't listening because you were too busy saying the word flan or something flan or something. Flan. Flange. It's good, isn't it?

It doesn't matter. Merry Christmas, everybody. I want to wrap this up. Eli Snoid. Eli S. I want to go home. I want to go home, so let's just wrap this up. My Twitter.

Yeah. Eli Snoid. Which is spelled. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Thank you, Paul. Thank you. And can we now say, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And a Happy New Year and a Happy New Year

bye bye everyone bye fucking hell mate what's wrong with you now oh it just gets worse every time just this I'm tired of it all

what tired of Christmas yeah tired of life Christmas sucks, man. It's always... Every year it's the fucking same with you. Well, it's always the same, isn't it? You're always ill or you're always hungover.

You get sinewy turkey leg. And this year... Farty Brussels sprouts. Frankly disgusting mince pies. Fruitcake. Crispy overdone mashed potatoes. Yeah. You know?

Dry arsed potatoes. And gravy that know? Dry-arsed potatoes. And gravy that's about as weak as an old man's jism. I don't know who you've been sucking off, but I find it gets quite gamey. Aloe vera. What's it called? Aloe vera. Aloe vera.

Aloe vera. Aloe vera. That's what I say when I put a spunk on a woman's face. Right. Aloe vera. Old man spunk tastes of like... What's that old-fashioned word for... Dorian fruit.

Dorian fruit. I bet it does, actually. What are you doing for Christmas this year, then, you miserable fuck? Fuck all, I told you. I'm fucking... I'm going to... You don't want to spend it with me and my cast of characters? Right.

In the house on the Harrow Hill? House on the Harrow Hill? House on the Hill. I don't the harrow hill house on the hill I don't want to why don't you join me for Christmas come on don't be miserable

you always go on about Christmas is full of shit it is I don't want to do anything I just want to sit there so what you're just going to stay in this room tonight

sleep all the way through Christmas what else is there to do mate you know mate it's going to be fucking wet and then the world's going to end.

Did you buy me a present as well for Christmas? Yes. You haven't, have you? No. Again. I'm going to leave you to it, mate, tonight. I'm going to pack up. That's it.

I'm going to pack up all this shit. Fine. I'm going to have Christmas with Jimmy Biscuits. Tell Jimmy Biscuits he owes me 50 quid. And Teen Yeti's coming over. Fuck off, is he? He is. No, he fucking isn't.

And Richard Randolph's going to bring some cake. No, he's not. The Christmas period, he goes to Saudi Arabia. All the characters are coming. And does private gigs. And you're going to be here. Special private gigs. All on your own tonight.

Special. All on your own, mate. Am I? Yeah, you're going to be all on your own here. I rightly care. Unless. Oh. Here's a thought.

What? What if in the middle of the night, say, to change your dark attitude to Christmas, imagine you were visited by three ghosts and each ghost was designed to make you evaluate your life and perhaps play some games based on the cheap shirt. Maybe. Maybe what happens tonight is three ghosts help you change your mind.

They come along. I don't believe in the supernatural. Well, mate, don't you worry. I do not believe in the supernatural. A belief or non-belief that was completely reinforced by our sham ghost hunting episode, Paul. Well, all I'm saying is tonight maybe a miracle will happen. Maybe tonight. Barry.

Is Barry going to come and see me? Barry. Barry. It's Barry. Move the and see me? Barry! Barry! It's Barry! Move the thing! Move the thing, Barry! Sorry. Sorry.

I'm just going to say, wouldn't it be interesting if three ghosts came tonight? It would be. I don't believe it will happen. Let's see. I'm going to pack up my stuff and go home.

Okay. But who knows what will happen over the course of this evening, Mr Silverman? I think I know. I'm going to eat a kebab in bed and then wank into the disused container. Merry Christmas, Eli. I'll see you tomorrow.

Merry Christmas to you, yeah. I'll see you next year. All right, mate. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Blah, blah. Humbug. Brussel sprouts up my arse.

Fucking bullshit. I hate turkey. It's fucking shit. Oh, thank God. He's gone. I fucking can't. I've got to bed now. Mmm, ah.

Nice. Don't have to think about Christmas. It's Christmas as shit anyway, isn't it? I'm in bed now. Smells in here. At least I can see the pickle there I've got pickle sight I can watch pickle I wonder what

What? Hello? Eli? I thought you'd gone for what? Eli? What? You asleep? How did you get in?

I got a creep in Go to sleep little boy How did you get in? I got a creep in. Go to sleep, little boy. Seriously, what? Go to sleep, little boy. Paul, what are you doing? I'm coming in. Paul, what have you got? I'm coming in your pod.

I'm coming in. Hello. What are you doing, man? Why aren't you asleep, little boy? Paul. You're not going to be visited by three ghosts if you're not asleep, are you? What's that? Shut up. Eat that.

Eat that. Sleepy time. Sleepy time, Mr Silverman. Sleepy time. Oh, fuck! What? I'm fucking tied up. What's going on? Wakey, wakey, Mr Silverman.

Paul, what? No, I'm not Paul. I'm the ghost of Christmas past. What have you done to my room? This is not your room. It fucking is. No, this is 1980s. Is that why there's a...

I've taken you back to the 1980s. Is that why there's a... I've taken you back to the 1980s. Is that why there's a Toya poster? I put Toya up. Oh, I put Toya up. And Tiffany. Oh yeah, I put Tiffany. And Fuzzbox. What's he called? Fuzzbox. What's that guy called?

Rick Astley. No. Terence Trent Darby. Terence Trent Darby, yeah, I put him up as well. And Roachford. Oh, there's Roachford in the future poster. Yeah, Cuddly Toy. Oh, look, there's Dealey Boppers. Yeah.

Fucking loads of Dealey Boppers. Look, there's a Rubik's Cube. There's a Rubik's Snake. I've taken you back to the 1980s. There's a Rubik's Magic. No, they came out much later. In the 90s, yeah. This is the 1980s.

It's not your room. It's the 1980s. There's the your room. It's the 1980s. There's the Transformers and the Carton of Umbungo. So I am the ghost of Christmas past, Mr. Silverman, and I have been asked.

You're poor. I have been asked. Poor? I'm look, look. I'm in a cloak. Untie me right now. I'm in a lovely gown and I'm floating around

and you can kinda see me bum, but not really. I fucking, I can see around and you can kinda see me bum but not really. I fucking, I can see it. You can. I can. I can show you my front wand. No, it's alright. I make sticky wishes come true. Oh, I'm a ghost. No, you're not.

I'm a ghost and I'm here to teach you the value of the past. No. Just fucking go with it, mate. I'm doing this to teach you a lesson. I'm going to go through the whole rigmarole, and you're going to fucking sit there and take it, alright? What do I have to do? I'll undo your hands.

Undo my hands. Oh, and it doesn't matter. Your arm's all crapped up anyway, so you can't do much lifting. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So, I'm going to take you back to the past, Mr. Silverman. We're going to play A Christmassy Price of Shite And I'm going to show you some 80s

I don't want to I want you to untie me right now And fucking take all this crap out of my fucking room No This is happening Go with it I'll do the voice again Don't do the voice

I hate that voice Oh so you can even work with this That's that voice off that cartoon show You can even work with this Or you can have this voice. What do you want? What is that from? What is that fucking one voice you fucking do?

It's the Stots from Vic and Bob. Thank you. It's a little explosion. Fuck off. So do you want this voice throughout this bit? Or do you want this voice? Do you want a normal voice? You cunt.

All right, well, good. And who knows, we might have some... I've invited some other guests from Cheap Show to help you become inspired. Remember the Christmas of the past and the joy they brought? The toys and games from the past? I'm going to bring that to you today.

What's this? Who's this? Hello? Let me in, please. Oh, who's this, Mr. Silverman? It's Mr. Brandoff. No, I'm talking to Silverman, Mr. Brandoff. It must be Richard Brandoff. Yes, it is.

Do you want to invite him in for Christmas? Come in. I don't want him to see me like this. He's going to come in. Come in. Come in. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff. Hello. Yes. Hello. Richard Brandoff. Now, you're here to represent the 80s. Well, the 80s was a peak moment for me. Tell us about some 80s

memories. I used to slap women around my... You were allowed to then if you were rich. Were you? Yeah. I mean, some people say they can still do it today. Well, if you're rich enough but I'm not rich enough anymore. You're not rich enough. This is a revelation, isn't it?

Yes, I had all sorts of stuff going on in the 80s. Yeah. Trains. Yeah. Trains mainly. Trains. Yeah. Trains mainly. Trains. Yes. I was rich. Didn't you have a series of hotels? Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes. Brandoff. Brandoff hotels. Yeah. Yes. Brandoff was a worldwide chain, and it meant quality. Yeah.

And entrepreneurial spirit. And what about all those fires that happened and the people who died in three of the five locations? Oh, come on. They deserved to die. Most of them were women. Right. Okay. Right. Entrepreneurial spirit And what about all those fires that happened And the people who died in three of the five locations Oh come on, they deserved to die Most of them were women Right, okay, well Brandoff, I want you to sit at the side I like the way you've dressed today by the way

You've dressed very Gordon Gekko from Wall Street, haven't you? Well, you know, greed is good Yeah I'd modify that What would you say? Greed and being a total sexist is good Okay, right, okay, good, good, good to know Or you just sit there I like the slick back hair and the cufflinks and everything Ruff, r is good. Okay, right. Okay, good, good, good to know. Or you just sit there.

I like the slick back hair and the cufflinks and everything. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Where is she? Oh, I'm over here, Mr. Brandoff. Good. You've got a four o'clock appointment. Right. Cancel it for now.

Yep. Give yourself a slap on the bum. Ow! Oh, Mr. Brandoff. That's right. You're so... I'm Big Daddy Brandoff and I'm going to wave my wand over your sticky hair. Two.

Two mentions of penises as wands this week. Two. I hope you're counting along at home. Brandoff! All right, then. I'll go. I'll rebook that. And also,

and also, whatever your fucking name is, fire yourself. Carol. Fire yourself. Carol, you're fired. You can't do this to me. I've been here for years.

Well. I know, but your time's over now. But that's crazy, Dad. Oh, I'm going to take you to tribunal. All the stuff I saw, all the stuff he did, I'll see it all. I recorded it.

That's right. Well, you can just go. Carol, stop talking to yourself. We'll have to get this taken out of. Carol, just fire yourself. Security. No, I'll call security. I'm Carol, but you've been fired. I know, but security. Take Carol out of Carol just fire yourself Security No I'll call security I'm Carol

But you've been fired I know But security Take Carol out Just leave I've got things to do here With this Good

Good Carol's Good can you both Calm down please I've got a price of shite to do Alright Rough rough rough Good So Eli

Right Yeah Yeah Yeah Me and Santa have been talking And we got some 80s Alright Ruff ruff ruff Good So Eli Right Yeah Yeah Yeah Me and Santa have been talking And we got some 80s So that's Richard Brandoff No I know

We've been talking to The special Santa I saw On the Volkswagen's ads And I've been talking to him Ooh Heated seats Now we're talking Or something

Whatever it was Shut up You're the face Of Volkswagen for Christmas So what Shut up. Whatever it was. Fucking shut up. You're the face of Volkswagen for Christmas. So what? How utterly deplorable. Is it? Yeah.

They did have the whole emissions scandal there, didn't they? They did. You had an emissions scandal as well, didn't you, once? I've had several emissions emergencies. Especially around salad bowls. Right, anyway, because you come on your celery, don't you? No, I glaze it. You get jelly on your celery.

Jelly cell. Jelly cell. Oh, that's how you call it. That's why you make it a trendy brand. It's Christmas jelly cell. This Christmas by jelly cell. It's spoff and celery in bite-sized capsules. Listen.

Yes. Oh, yes, Mr. Brandoff. This is a marketing powwow we're doing here? No, no, no. This is just banter. We're not going to follow through with this. Well, what am I here for? You know what? I've got a full 30.

You're here to pass comments on the Christmas presents I've bought for Eli to help him. I've got some kind of Illuminati orgy thing. You got the Masons at seven? Ah, thank you. Yeah, the Masons at seven. Am I still fired?

You're still fired Ah shit Right so I've got you three gifts From the 80s Price for shite You'll get to look at them Have a guess

Will I get to be freed From this fucking Yeah I'll untie one arm This is it So you can investigate You know this is over now Paul What? Everything between us is over now

Why? Because you've tied me up. This is an important lesson, and at the end of this, you'll hopefully have a better idea of Christmas and what it means to be Christmas, all right? Do you know what it means to be Christmas? You don't know what it means to be Christmas. It means fucking getting tied up when I'm already injured.

Are you ready for your first item? What's Richard Brandoff doing? Shut up. Calm down with him. Just got to get through this, Eli. So here we go. Are you ready? Yeah.

Are you ready? Here's your first item. All right. A bit of a cheap, this one, but it should remind you of the 80s. What is this? What is this? This is an Atari. Yeah.

Handheld. Now, it's based on the 2600 model released in the late 70s. So the kind of Atari most people probably would have owned at the period. Really? Yeah. Was it the biggest selling Atari? It was the big one before the crash. It was like the big home computer.

Ah. Yeah. But how many versions were there? Well, I don't know. There's a load. And I don't know the whole history. And Atari, it just exists as a sort of... Well, it's kind of...

Like a brand. Yeah. It's like a brand name owned by someone else. A shell of itself. Right. So you slap it on t-shirts, you slap it on fucking dodgy handhelds. Yeah, someone must sort of...

There must be an Atari company. Yeah. There is still. Yeah, no, there is, but it's like, as I say, I think it's more like it's there for show more than I don't think they have to do anything.

But they must have made this. No, they put their name on it. So this company, Blaze, came to them and went, can we make a handheld that looks a bit like an Atari 2600? It's got a wood finish. It's got a mock wood finish and black and orange paddles.

And also it looks like the speakers. Yeah. Sort of background to the screen there. It's got that grill thing going on. Yeah, the grill. So they go for about, online, about 20 quid, but it's definitely not what I paid for that. Ah, did it charity shop?

It was a charity shop finding this one, yeah. And it was dirt cheap, considering. And, yeah, you can put a memory card in it as well to load games. Ah, but does it come pre-loaded? Yeah, you can turn it on, buttons on the top, and it comes pre-loaded with a bunch of classic Atari 2600 games they're not that

far anymore are they no there are one or two that are slightly interesting like they've got the trilogy of games the sea quest and dungeon quest or

whatever it was the idea there's a load of YouTube videos about it are those the ones that are in ready player one no but it's funnily

enough very similar if you played the game and solved it there was a chance that you could win a real prize. It was like a golden crown and a scepter

and an amulet or something. And so they were meant to bring out three games and then the winner would win this big cash prize. But it didn't get that far.

But they are on this system and they're not that interesting. Also you kind of need the books as well to know how to solve the clues because it came with a manual that had like codes in and a dungeon dragon oh yeah and if you didn't have that so it's a bit weird going on this but you see what you're playing with what what games are on there i don't know it's not really good it's got asteroids

that's all right yes asteroids bowling break out galaxy, centipede. I like centipede. Is that the one where it's coming down? Yeah. The centipede's coming down. Yeah,

yeah, Star Wars. It's like Space Invaders, but with a centipede. Gravatar, Haunted House is quite a well-known

game. It's where you play a pair of floating eyes in a haunted house in the dark and you've got to navigate amazing ghosts.

What was that game, Paul? What's the difference between centipede and millipede? Apart from how

many legs they have. Maybe it's just difficulty level. Paul, what was that game that the designer of the disastrous E.T. Centipede and Millipede Apart from How many legs they have Maybe it's just Difficulty level Paul what was that game That the designer of The disastrous E.T.

Game Did before Something of Gan Gan Oh Galaxian No it's not Gan It's Gan's Forest

Zach's Revenge Or something I think it's on here actually Oh Fire World Water World And Earth World Are the trilogy of games

Where you could win these things video Yars Revenge that's the one he did Yars Revenge that's on here that's meant to be good that's there is it

let's see it's a bit I mean I had a little go of it I couldn't quite work it out but again maybe I needed a manual that was meant to be a classic of his

yeah it's like shoot it avoid until you break the wall down then when you do you expose the 81 yeah and the

when was E.T. released? 83? 81 was the film. So it must have come out the same year because they rushed it out. Hence the whole problem with the release of that game. Wow. That's quite cool. Yeah.

All the noises. I died. Yeah, quite quickly. Again, I don't know what you're fucking doing. It's a spaceship flying around a big wobbly wall. Yeah. Zone. Energy thing.

You've got to get through the energy barrier. Get through the energy barrier. It's a spaceship flying around a big wobbly wall of zone. Energy thing. It's a monster. You've got to get through the energy barrier. Get through the energy barrier. Are you enjoying this, little boy? You remind me of Christmas's past in the 80s, growing up. Remember the joy we had playing the simple games of our past, little boy? I remember that, little boy. Oh, they come chasing you.

The thing's chasing you. Oh, they come chasing you. Whoa. Oh. It just threw a fucking massive thing. Yeah, it threw a massive thing at you. A massive twirling thing it's exciting isn't it they're hunting me down oh that's yours revenge oh it got me oh it's i got you oh does it remember remind you of the days gone by in video games yeah but who would like it people it's a nostalgia thing it's a nostalgia thing people

remember playing the games kids would buy that and go, I really love the games. They wouldn't like it because the games are so basic. It's also, sometimes you took a lot of decoding. It's like you look at a game like Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and it was like, you had to have a guide to get through that because you'd pick up the whip and use that to get the candle,

but the candle doesn't look like a candle on the screen. The whip is just a little dot. That's the point. It needs a lot of explanation because the graphics weren't able to convey enough information just in themselves. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

But, you know, it looks nice. The buttons aren't great. It does look nice. The buttons have a nice little clip to it. It's got a decent build quality to it. What are Blaze known for? Handhelds. Making these kind of things.

Retro gaming, mini handhelds. So have they done like the Nintendo minis? No, they of things. Retro gaming, mini handhelds. So they've done like the Nintendo minis? No, Nintendo do all that in-house. They are very, very particular about who does stuff like that.

Right. But Atari, don't give a shit. Atari! So there's your first item, Mr. Silverman. Oh, it's magic. No, stop.

Please stop with the ghost voice. Here you go. Right. You ready for your next one? Your next Christmas present from Santa from the 80s. Yes.

Here we go. Close your eyes. I'm going to put it in your hand. Okay. Imagine waking up to this Christmas morning. Wake up. Oh. What's this, Mr. Silverman?

It's a Sanyo Walkman. It's a Sanyo Walkman. Oh. Minted box. They don't call it a Walkman, of course. What is it? It's a compact cassette recorder. Oh, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a recorder. Yeah. It's also, you can speak into it. It's got a little grill so you can talk into it as well. Oh, it's Walkman, of course. What is it? It's a compact cassette recorder. Oh, of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a recorder. Yeah. It's also, you can speak into it. It's got a little grill so you can talk into it as well. Oh, it's like a dictaphone, but it takes a normal-sized cassette. Yeah. Or a standard cassette.

Yeah. Now, I went on eBay recently to look for that model, and they go between £20 and £40. Really? I don't think the ones that are priced at £40 go for £40, but I do think the ones that go for 20 go for 20. This was not... It's a good nick, isn't it? Yeah. It's got the...

Box and the instructions. Talk into the mic a bit more. It's instructions there. Yeah. But would it work as a normal Walkman? Of course it would. I mean, the only real worry

is that, because I haven't tested it yet because I literally only just got it because Santa got it, remember? It's got a built-in speaker as well. Yeah. It must have headphones outs as well yeah yeah mic and headphones in out right

shake it all about right but um i don't know if there's like you know like you see those tech moon videos and like the belt's gone or melted it might be like that so i haven't tested it yet i don't know you haven't put batteries in yet no double a's they take i think i've got some of those have you yeah yeah over there in the box the box. I'll go and have a look. Oh, I float over here. Oh, in this box over here. This one. In that box, yeah.

Oh, it's mucky. It's not mucky. Give it past me, the box, and I'll have a look. Oh, magic. Careful. Careful with me arm. Over there. Oh, God. I'm getting pretty fucking bored of this. They're right

there, you dickhead. You found them. Yeah, you found them. Right there, you fucking cunt. Let's see if this tape recorder... Alright, stick the batteries in. Works. Get the little fabric out. The little bits of fabric. Remember that? So you could pull out the batteries. Very nostalgic, isn't it? Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

So this is from the 80s, is it? Yeah. It could well have melted, couldn't it? Maybe 90s, I don't know. Huh? Maybe 90s, I don't know. I didn't do the Oh, that's nice, isn't it? So this is from the 80s, is it? Yeah. It could well have melted, didn't it? Maybe 90s, I don't know. Huh? Maybe 90s, I don't know. I didn't do the research. Let's have a look at the guide.

Maybe it'll tell me in the guide while you load the batteries in. Doesn't matter, send me anyone. The numbers aren't in different languages. The numbers aren't in different languages? No, well, they're not, are they?

Can you? Sorry. Oh, you... Well, I am tied up. All right, you clever prick getting out of being lazy. Oh, let's have a look. Which way round do they go? Oh, I'm going to open up this fucking massive instruction manual

that opens up like an atlas. Jesus. It's like a map, isn't it? Yeah, Jesus. Maintenance. To ensure continued high performance from your unit, clean the head. Pinch roller. and capstan.

Periodically swab with a cotton bud. Oh, yeah. Moisten the head. Moisten it. How do you moisten it? You stick the swab down your meat. Meat hole. Yeah.

Swab. Meat hole. Moisten the head. Meat hole. All right. Meat hole. Shut up saying meat hole. Are you head meat hole alright meat hole shut up saying meat hole are you ready for the moment of truth

I can't find a date on this Paul are you ready for the moment of truth yes I am go for it can you get pass me a cassette please oh you shitting got cassettes as well got cassettes in here

what's this this is Led Zeppelin presents we'll probably get a fucking copyright strike we're not going to play more than a couple of seconds we just want to see if it works this is exciting stuff. Make sure the volume's up as well. Oh, it's just like in the past.

I'll let you do it. It's your Christmas present, Mr. Silverman. Is it? Yeah. Is it not moving? It's not moving. Oh, maybe I'll have to tech-mone it and open it up and see if the batteries work and all this kind of stuff. What's VAS? V-A-S.

But the power light's not coming on. Oh. So that seems to be the issue, doesn't it? Well, that's probably why I got it quite cheap, maybe. I don't know. The box didn't say working, which I should have really asked for first. It does seem like it's been looked after. Yeah. That's the thing.

It's in its box. But it doesn't seem to want to pick up the power from the battery. Oh, how strange. Let's have a look. Or maybe I got it round the wrong way. No, I didn't. Let's have a look. Pushy, pushy downy. No, it's not having any of it. Oh. Well, maybe Paul will have to have

a little play and see if he can fix it. I'd be impressed if he can fix that. I think you have put it in right, the batteries. Yeah, I've put them in right. No, all not working. I'll look onto that. I'll take it to Santa's workshop. Should I take these batteries out? Yeah, yeah. I'll go to Santa's workshop, Mr Silver right, so I'll look onto that. I'll take it to Santa's workshop. Should I take these batteries out? Yeah, yeah.

I'll go to Santa's workshop, Mr. Silverman, and I'll get Santa to fix it for you, all right? Sure. Well, I prefer if you didn't tie me up. You're just going to go on about this. Richard Brandoff looking at my dick all night. Well, you shouldn't have it out. I didn't undress you.

You just popped that out. You've got your bum out. Yeah? This is a bum-out kind of night. Ghosts get their bum out. You haven't convinced me Christmas is good yet. All right, well, Eli... I'll just say that, okay?

I'm just going to say that now. It's about that time of Christmas morning when you've unwrapped two presents and it's time for the big present. Are you ready for the big present? It's a big one. You're going to have to move that box. Is it my big present?

It's your big present, Mr Silverman. Are you ready? I'm going to move the box then. Hang on. All right. to move that box is it my big present it's your big present mr silverman are you ready i'm gonna move the box then hang on all right what am i giving to you mr silverman i can't i know all right take the bag off slowly i'll pull it ready here we go in the bag back whoa whoa what's this happy christmas oh my god merry christmas what is it tommy Atomic pinball It's a Tomy pinball machine It's a Tomy pinball machine Wow

Eli You've gone so deep Into Tomy Haven't you? Yeah but this is This is your Christmas present From all Now that is fucking sweet

I have to say It's got a little bit of damage On the plastic On the cover yeah Whoa It's very heavy It's got some weight to it That's for sure

Yeah I'm going to put it on the bed here. Oh, look at that. Now. Wow. Atomic pinball. Yeah, atomic pinball. That was kind of an explosion sort of design there.

Yeah. It's got a digital scoreboard. Scoreboard, which is not digital. It's mechanical. Yeah. You know, those rolls. Yeah. What do they call the rolls?

No, they don't call them rolls. Dials. It's like fruit machine stuff. Yeah, like fruit machine dials. Clock pulse. I don't know what that does. I don't know what a clock pulse is either. Yeah, it's on the top.

Oh, mate, this is excellent. It's got batteries in. This is one ball. You only get one ball. I guess so, actually, yeah. There's no multi-ball option. All right, turn it on at the top. All right, pull it back, and it's all yours yours to go It's off, it's bossing ahead

It's flashing its light Everything's he was a pinball He pinballed in the game He did it with one hand He, he what? He in the game he did it with one hand he, he what? he took his mum's old trousers, he puts them in his gob he eats a load of

celery and then he does a spoff he's only got one hand and he's playing the pinball oh he lies enjoying shut up and sing a song that's pinball wizard about a one handed man was he one-handed? Well, no, he was deaf, dumb and blind, wasn't he?

He wasn't one-handed. That deaf, dumb and blind kid worked with you. It's just that one-handed fathead sure plays a crap pinball. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Look at that. See, it bounces. Ow. Oh, it's hard to enjoy when you've only got one hand working

because you can't really enjoy it. It's very good, though, isn't it? Yeah. It's a great little thing. Really. It's very good though, isn't it? Yeah. It's a great little thing. Really well built. It's lovely, isn't it? These probably cost a pretty penny. It's got instructions on it, so...

Just turn it off for now. Yeah. Got to reset the counter. Yeah. Talking to the mic. Fuck off. Just do it! I can't move my hands.

Oh, fuck off. I mean, oh, fuck off. Stop complaining about it. But there you go. It's Tomy and it's in working condition. And the price was unbelievable. It wasn't like super cheap, like 50p. But it was exciting. Alright, so it's time for me to guess the price on this...

Not price of sight. This Christmas carol. Right, so it's time for me to guess the price on this... Not price of shite, this... This Christmas, 1980s Christmas from your past to make you enjoy Christmas. See, you've got a little smile on your face, Mr Silverman. You've got a little smile. And I want to put me winky in it. I want to rub me winky across your teeth

and say, Merry Spothmas. No. And make you get it all in your beard. Listen, mate, you drugged me, you tied me up. No, you're in the 1980s, and this is a ghost taking you back. That's what's going on here. Oh, sorry. This is all a dream.

Right, so first item was the Atari. The Atari handheld game. How much do you think that was? What are we looking... Can you give me some kind of upper limit on all three combined, please? All three combined would be... No more than...

No more than £15 was spent overall. So it could be a few quid less. It could be a few quid less. I will say no less than £5 was spent. Okay. So you've got a gambling gambit between... I've got a narrow margin. You've got a very narrow margin between five... I've got a gambling gambit between i've got a narrow margin you've got a very narrow margin between five i've got a wide margin you've got a lovely wide margin i've

got uh you've got a lovely per wide margin i've got a fucking gaping margin and i want to peg it you want to peg my gaping margin yeah it looks like orange slices. It does actually look like orange slices, but they're meant to be like explosions. Atomic explosions. Aren't they? Come on. So, Atari. Yes, Atari. Two pounds.

Two pounds, you say? Let me write that down in my ghost database. Three pounds. Three pounds? No, I'm going to say five pounds. You're going to say five pounds? Yeah. So, you want to settle with five pounds?

I'm settling on five pounds. All right. Next is the Sanyo cassette. Two pounds? You're going to say £5? So you want to settle with £5? I'm settling on £5. All right, next is the Sanyo cassette. £2? £2 for that? Yeah. Why are you saying it like that? It sounded like you were going... Anyway.

Come on, mate. £2 for that. Tomy Pinball, last one. How much do you think that cost me? I'm thinking like £7. £7.50. £7.50. How many Petwings am I going to get in this dream?

Right. It's got a box there. It's working. Yeah. Scratched up. A bit scratched up. Like something's been dropped on it. Yeah, maybe.

Or it's been damaged in transit at one time of its life. You know, it's a shame. It's a bit of a shame, but it's ultimately still in very good condition. It's ultimately still playable. It's ultimately still very playable, isn't it? Paul, I had a little play on it right now. Did you? And then knob gag. And then you? And then knob gag.

And then knob gag. Just say knob gag. And I also played on the pinball thing. Yeah, you got your little knob gag in. Right, let's wrap up the scores of this

Christmas morning price of shite. I don't feel particularly... Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough's doing, still hanging around. Right, okay. So you said the Atari game machine, you said £2 and £3 and settled on £5, right?

Yes. The final price of that was £2. That was £2. £2. Shit, I had it right the first time. No between there. I'm outside the between zone. Casano Cassette,

you said £2. Oh, fucking hell. That was £6. Fuck. No, you paid £6 for that. No between. Yeah. You paid £6 for that shit. Yeah. £2 for the Atari? Yeah. That's good, isn't it? Yeah, it is that. No between. Yeah. You paid six quid for that shit.

Yeah. Two pound for the Atari. Yeah. That's good, isn't it? Yeah, it is good. I know. Wow. I think they thought

the charity shop thought it was like a crapper thing than it was. Yeah, maybe. You know, like one of those really shit Game Boy knockoffs. Yes. So finally,

Tommy Pinball, you said seven pounds and fifty pence. Our survey said? Five pounds. It was £5. That's good. So £6 for the Sanyu cassette,

£5 for the pinball machine, and £2 for the Atari. And as I said to you, I had a choice in the charity shop between buying that atomic pinball for £5 or for £5.50 getting Screwball Scramble. Which one is Screwball Scramble? That is the one I think we did on Barsians. You know where you have to go up the up and down zigzag ladder thing.

Rock the ball with the buttons and then you have to swing it. It's like the Kong game but just sort of. It's horizontal. Oh. Oh yeah, that's good. I like that. Wasn't that good, Nick? It was.

But it was a modern one, not the old version. It was like the early 2000s one. Right. So it's got a different colour scheme. You know what I mean? It's not my thing. Anyway, with that in mind,

Mr. Silverman, you did very poorly but you had a nice walk down Christmas memory lane. I did. It was like being in the 80s again.

The Tomy pinballs, all yours now. All yours to enjoy. Jaws. Thanks, mate. Merry Christmas. Thanks. Ah, now,

did you learn a lesson? Did you love Christmas? Do you love Christmas yet? No. Bar hum now. Did you learn a lesson? Did you love Christmas? Do you love Christmas yet? No. Bar humbug. Do you like Christmas? No? Well, it's sleepy time, Tom.

I think I've broken my arm. I don't care. I'm going to chloroform you again. So take this. Take it. Take it. Go on. Sleepy time.

Sleepy time, sleepy timey life. Right. That was terrible. Yes, well, no, thank you for coming along, Mr. Bradlock. I'll expect my full payment by Monday. No, I'll make sure it transfers on Monday. Is that okay? Yeah, it'll come from Cheap Show HQ. Reminded me, oh, just, you know, I'm not as rich as I used to be.

No. With all the lawsuits. And the sexual harassment cases. The sexual harassment. I mean, what even is that? Sexual harassment. It's when you harass someone sexually. I don't understand what you're saying right now. It's like what you do to me.

Carol, I've warned you. Right. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Where's my car? The taxi's coming now. I don't want a taxi. I want a limo, bitch. It's a limo taxi.

Oh, I like those. Yeah. Is it like a hybrid? Yeah, it's got a Prozzie in. Good. Can I have my job back? No. Oh, shit!

You'll just get fired again. Right, well, you can go now, anyway, before Eli wakes up. Right, yes, all this 80s stuff reminds me of a better time in the tale of the Brandoff. Cocaine. I used to own all sorts of stuff, yes. Cocaine parties. Yep. I used to stick it down my meters.

Ruff, ruff, ruff. Did you? Yes. You'd get a dwarf to blow it down there. What happens if you put cocaine on your penis? No, not on it. In it, mate. What do you do if you put it in it?

Straight up the piss tube. What happens if you put cocaine in your piss tube? You get fucking high, mate. Do you? Straight to the moon. I'll try some of that. Yes, it reminded me of the good old days

now I'm doing these appearances for a paltry amount of money but pay me because I need it the money will be in your bank

Monday morning I promise thank you I've got to go taxi limousine right right he's off bye

ruff ruff bye bye bye well wasn't that fun now I've got to get the room ready for when Eli wakes up. Here we go. Put it back in the dog.

Put it back in the dog. Put it back in the dog. Wakey, wakey, Mr. Silverman. I've got to do another voice. I've got to think of a voice. Oh, hello. I am the ghost of Christmas present. Oh, hello. I am the ghost of Christmas present. Oh, fuck.

Your present? No, my present. Fucking great gag, that. Fucking Dickens. All the best gags. Dickens. I put a dick in. Fucking got four years.

I see. Aye. Anyway. You're the ghost of Christmas present. Hello, I am the ghost of Christmas present. Paul, Paul, Paul. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Wouldn't it have been a bit more appropriate

to do this voice for the first ghost? Because it's sort of like an 80s stand-up comedian, isn't it? Instead of that stupid voice that you did. I am the ghost of Christmas present. All right, hello. Me and the ghost of Christmas present, he had to go to a show, and I said we'd swap roles.

So he agreed to do the early shift. What show has he gone to see? He went to see Wicked, the Wizard of Oz musical. Oh. Yeah, he likes the song, doesn't he? Flying gravity. Is that the song? It's flying gravity.

I can fly with gravity. Under me, gravity. Didn't they do a reboot of Oz last year that no one watched? Aye, the reboot of Oz. I remember I was in it. I cast it. I was in it. I starred in it.

He had some fucking tasty tarts in, I tell you that for a start. From proper page three stoners. Why are all our characters sexist? Not worse than sexist, Paul. They're predatory. Anyway, I'm here to show you

a Christmas present. I've brought a special guest. Did you say Keith? No. He's up there. He can't get up out of your chair, so you stay there. You're strapped in. Give us a huff of Keith.

No, I'm not going to give you a Christmas huff of Keith. Please. No, you save it for Christmas Day. His witch hole has emissions. No, we're not doing anything with Keith because I really don't stomach it. It smells funky. Put some silica gel in it and stop it from melting. I like it.

It's not. Don't. It's gross. Anyway, shut up. I've brought a very special guest who's going to bring some treats for Christmas present and give you a taste of what you can enjoy these days at Christmas. That's exciting, isn't it?

How is this teaching me about the error of my ways? It's not really, is it, Paul? We're getting you to appreciate sweets and candies and Christmas joy. Okay. All right, yeah, I don't like any of it. All right. So, he's coming in now. I don't like the Christmas palette.

Come in. Come in. Hey, I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Oh, hello, Mr. Biscuits. Hello, I'm Jimmy Biscuits. Come in. Just push Keith aside. Anyway.

Come in. Coming back to the classic stock characters of Cheap Show. I got something special for you, Mr. Silverman. You're going to have to feed it. Mouth feed me. I'll feed you in the mouth. You're going to feed me.

I'll slip my sweet candies in, Mr. Silverman. You're ruining the lore of this podcast now. Because Jimmy Biscuits is not in any way a sexual character. You're ruining it for everyone. Jimmy Biscuits likes innuendo just as much as any other character. All right. And if you want innuendo, I'll give you one. Anyway, I've got to tell you. No, no, no, no.

What? Innuendo. Where do you put it? Anal endo. Anyway, I've got to tell you. No, no, no, no. What? In your endo. Where do you put it? Anal endo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, good. In an anal endo. Anal, anal, anal.

Anal nandos. The worst chicken restaurant in the world. Anal nandos. Yeah, just chicken arseholes. Deep fried chicken arseholes. Those nuggets are so tasty. There's a hole in the middle where you poke your tongue through. Jimmy Biscuits approves.

Right. So now I'm in the mood. So Jimmy Biscuits was going to Poundland the other day. And you won't believe what he saw. Poundland? Jimmy Biscuits had the most amazing moment. Oh, this is all going to be disgusting. Jimmy Biscuits likes a Christmas film. Ohoundland? Jimmy Biscuits had the most amazing moment. Oh, this is all going to be disgusting. Jimmy Biscuits likes

a Christmas film. Oh, yeah? Yeah, Jimmy Biscuits likes it. What's your favourite Christmas film, Jimmy Biscuits? Well, my favourite Christmas film is The Snowman. What, with Fastbinder? No, not that film. That film was shit by all accounts. I thought it was the live-action

version of the film I liked, The Snowman. Was it? It was not. The original film, it has flying, it has snowmen, and it has Santa Claus. But what? Jimmy Biscuits has become more Southern than he used to be. But anyway, let me tell you. Let me tell you.

Yeah. The film I saw had none of that. It was killings and despicable actions I see, that's terrible Turmoil and murder Terrible I was annoyed What's your favourite Christmas film?

Die Hard No, it's not It's Snowman I'm walking in the air over here I'm walking in the air over here Alright, Jimmy Jimmy puts a smile on everybody's face when he turns. God, it's tiring doing this.

Do it. You have to do it. You have to do the whole way through this bit. So when Jimmy went into Poundland and saw these fantastic treats all based on the property of the snowman, why, Jimmy Biscuit spent five pounds. Five pounds. Five pounds on these good treats. Would you want to see them?

Yeah, I'll give you a score out of five for each of these. So I just sit over here and do fucking nothing then? Yeah, the ghost of bullshit you are. Fuck off. Fuck off. I'm here to do a fucking job. Now, admittedly, yeah, I'm more of a ghost of Christmas past kind of guy. You totally are.

But I'm helping a mate out because he wanted to go see fucking Wicked. So I'm filling in. Fucking Wicked. You should be a bit more fucking respectful. Where's Paul in all this? I don't, mate. I'm just trying to make Eli appreciate Christmas. Oh, come on then, Paul.

All right, are you ready? I'll feed you candy. Feed me the candy. All right, you do it, Mr. Buddy Man. And me and this guy over here, we're going to talk about the news. Right. Hand me the first item. So the first item is in this lovely box.

It's Snowman mini marshmallows. Oh, it's always marshmallows. It contains mini marshmallows. And look. Every fucking festival is marshmallow, like Halloween. Yeah, marshmallows. They're cheap.

Easter marshmallows. That's because they're cheap, isn't it? Yeah. This was a quid. Yeah. It's quite nice packaging, isn't it yeah this was a quid yeah it's quite nice packaging isn't it yeah it's very you know

it takes the Raymond Briggs drawings and slaps them all over cheap mini marshmallows are those the original drawings because there was a sequel a few years ago

wasn't there called like the snow dog or something it was like the snow dog yeah it was called the snow dog wasn't it

I never saw it to be fair I never even I hate the fucking snowman what's wrong with the snowman it's it I never saw it to be fair I never even I hate the fucking snowman what's wrong with the snowman it's my favourite movie alright sorry Jimmy I'm walking over here

I like Fungus the bogeyman if we talk about Raymond Briggs things yeah that's good that's genius and famously when the wind blows which was yeah

dark depressing and sad and moving and just just haunting it was great yeah but didn't you...

I obsessed with Fungus the Bogeyman as a child. I loved it. Because it's grotty and, you know, I can imagine you looked up to him. You're certainly living like him now. Yeah, you are Fungus the Bogeyman, Mr. Silver. I am not Fungus the Bogeyman. I'm Eli the Bogeyman.

Shall I open these then? Yeah, open them. God, do it with a bit more fucking grace. Jesus wept. I got one hand. What's the hoof? Chemically. Chemically.

Are they in another separate bag? I'll open it for you then. Okay, thank you. Save you going for all the rigmarole. These are mini marshmallows. Get off. And I guess they're snowman themed because they're white, like the snowman, I guess. I'm walking in the air.

Now, what I didn't know until recently was the kid who sings the song in the film is not aled jones is not aled jones aled jones released a song not too long after the film was shown at christmas or maybe before i don't know what the timeline is you didn't sing on the soundtrack of the snowman no it's just some other kid that's strange isn't it how come that other kid must have got a bit pissed off i don't know because aled jones was the one who had the hit in the charts yes he totally did so he's now associated with that song. Right. His voice dropped, didn't it? The hoof is not too bad, to be fair. He's got the opening now.

Oh, it's quite nice, yeah. Fruity. I'm having a little mini marshmallow. These are mini marshmallows. What are these the size of? Actually, it's all right. I've tasted much worse. You couldn't roast these, could you?

No, they're too tiny. They just burn. They just burn altogether. But, you know. Do you like a roasted marshmallow? Yeah, I like s'mores. I've done all that tiny. They just burn. They just burn altogether. But, you know. Do you like a roasted marshmallow? Yeah, I like s'mores. I've done all that stuff. That's nice.

Wouldn't they put these kind in s'mores? You could. You could melt those down easily. Maybe spread them about. Okay, they're all right. They're all right. So, Snowman Mini Marshmallows out of five, how many Christmas stars would you give it? I'll give it two and a half stars.

I'll give it two and a half stars. It's okay. Next. Show them this one. This one I like. Are these Christmas crisps? This is the snowman and the snow dog snow bonds. Ah, the snow dog's there, isn't he?

No. They're calling it the snow dog. Stupid, isn't it? Was he a real dog? He's not even a snow dog. No, he's a dog. Is he made of snow? He's made of snow.

And then they have adventures. No one ever does that. He makes a snow dog. These are all snow a dog, but he made out of snow and then they have adventures. No one ever does that. Makes a snow dog. These are all snowman, all snow dog things, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are snow buns.

Snow bonds. Not buns. Oh, bonds. Sorry. I like a bon bon. But they're white. Snow bon. Snuff.

Oh, what's the huff? It's like burnt sugar. It's candy flossy. I don't want to have to eat this. Eat it? It's Christmas and they're snowman related. Eat it. Are they hard?

Give me it. I want to try some. They're quite pliant. They're quite what? Pliant. Oh God, you're right. You know that syrup, that raspberry syrup you pour on ice cream? It's got that kind of smell to it.

Yeah. They've got a sort of sourness, a sort of citrus. Oh yeah, they do. Like a lemony thing. A lemony kind of tang. Not very nice. Can you imagine the meetings they had? We need a lot of snowman stuff to sell at Poundland. Make it white. White?

I don't care what it is, white. Yeah, let's just do it. I want white stuff. We can just call it all snow. Snowman, yeah, snow. They probably use the same stuff and paint it orange for fucking Halloween. Yeah, and... And paint it red for Valentine's Day. Yeah, and paint it pink for Easter. No, and make them little

eggs. They'd be eggs in Easter, wouldn't they? Oh, maybe. See, they could just go everywhere with it, can't you? Dog eggs. Little brown ones for Dog Egg Day. There is no Dog Egg day. There should be. June 5th, dog egg day. Is it? Yeah. How's your arm?

Coming to loosen the straps on the chair? I think it's broken. You think it's broken? I've done something really bad to it. I can't lift it. I don't know why that made me laugh. I'm sorry. You're such a cunt to me, aren't you? I'm going to be paying for weeks.

Out of five. You fell over drunk. It's your fault. You said you couldn't find your balance. It's not good at your age. I wish I hadn't. Listen, we're doing this fucking ghost thing. Right.

So next, out of five, what do you give them? I give them three. Yeah, they're okay, aren't they? I have another one, but I can't. Don't, because you're too chewy. No, no, they're too chewy. You get a mouthful of choo-choos. Next.

Next is this. What's this? It's another snowman thing. Oh, no, they're all snowmen things. Oh, right. It's all snowmen. It's a snowman special. Oh, God.

Yeah. Jimmy Biscuits likes snowmen. Now, the first thing, the marshmallows were just the snowman, not the snow dog, weren't they? Yeah. Why didn't the dog get in on the marshmallows? Maybe contractually the dog wanted nothing to do with marshmallows. Yeah, because of that incident.

Woof, woof. I'm having none of this shit. I know it. He ate a bunch of them, got diarrhoea. Maybe a dog ate a marshmallow and it got stuck in his tummy and he died. He died. I fucking killed the snow dog. I gave him marshmallows.

I don't fucking know. Now, this is the snowman and the snow dog. Snow dog, snow man. Hard candy lollipop. Fruit flavour. Yes. But the one that you've got is a snow dog, isn't it? Yeah, I got the snow dog because we've had a few snowman things.

He's got socks for ears. Socks for ears and a little carrot nose. And he goes, ruff, ruff. I'm going to open it. Yeah, he's going to open it. Here we go. Merry fucking Christmas. Oh, so it's a lollipop on a stick.

And it looks like the snow dog. And it looks like the snow dog. And it's what? Fruit flavour. What does that even mean? It means fruit, doesn't it? What does that mean, though? It's like, you know, like that gum.

It's called fruit flavoured gum. Yeah. Wrigleys or whatever. Yeah. What does that mean? It just tastes fruit, doesn't it? What does that mean, though? It's like, you know, like that gum is called fruit-flavoured gum. Yeah. Wrigleys or whatever. What does that mean? It just tastes sweet. It just is sweet, yeah. It means fruit flavour. At least if you say, like, tropical fruit flavour, you have an idea of, like, pineapples or mangoes or passion fruit.

Yes. But you say fruit, I think apple. It could be anything. Banana. It could be all fruits. It's generically all fruits, isn't it? So, like, fruit flavour is the brown of colour mixing. You know what I mean?

It's when it's all put together, yeah. I'll do this. You're making a dog's dinner out of it. Ironically, with it being a dog. I split the packaging open and I've revealed the dog from its sheath. It smells like candy floss. Yes.

Sort of burnt sugar. I'm going to bite one ear. I'm going to bite one ear. I'm going to bite the ear sock. The green sock. Here we go. Oh! Oh, it's brittle. It's brittle.

Now, it's hard. It did say hard on the packet. You weren't listening. Oh! I thought it might have had a bit of a chew to it. No. Oh. That's not particularly pleasant.

It's terrible. It's got horrible... It tastes like Wrigley's stubble fruit. It does, but that works as a gum flavour. Not as a fucking snow dog lollipop flavour. Well, one and a half out of five, that one. That's terrible. Well, damn.

I don't like it. I mean, it looks all right, doesn't it? Talking to the mic. It looks all right, doesn't it? Yes. Yeah, it was there. It looks like a nice lollipop. It's nice.

Fucking hell. Next. Look at this. It's a snowman. It's another snowman thing. Two more. This one and the next. What's this?

Oh, God. Ho, ho, ho. It's a snowman jelly bean filled, what are these, cane? Cane. With a hooked handle. And they are white and blue. Snowman and the Snowdog. Everything's been Snowman and the Snowdog

apart from the first mini marshmallows. Maybe that's just the license they could get. Well, how do you open this? I'll do it because again, watching you do it is just sad. It makes me real sad to watch you try and open stuff with your bad arm. I think you've just got to twist the handle. So here we go. What flavour

does it say? jelly bean candy cane fruit flavour again fruit flavour and on doing the cane they're blue blue and white so they're the same flavour

even though they did blue and white I presume so we'll have to check that out you've got enough there no I just need to get one of each colour didn't I for us so you take a blue and a white and I'll take a blue and a white

and I'll put the rest back. I'm going to start on the blue. All right, I'll start on the blue. They taste like really cheap jelly beans. They're terrible. You know, they have that kind of gritty content. Don't say it. What, that's sharp?

Dang. You know how it's got that gritty kind of collapse to it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just the sugar crystals, aren't they? They're not like... White flavour tastes the same. Exactly the same. I'm not even going to bother them, mate, if it tastes the same as that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. White flavour. That's just the sugar crystals, aren't they? They're not like... White flavour tastes the same. Exactly the same. I'm not even going to bother them, mate,

if it tastes the same as that. I don't know. They're not nice. They're not nice at all. Oh. Right, last thing. That's a terrible... That's the worst one so far.

What? 0.5 out of 5. Finally, a bucket. It's the snowman and the snow dog. And the snow dog. Candy floss. Imagine if the snow dog did a dog egg in that. It would go all colour, wouldn't it?

It would go all poop. You know when you see a dog egg in some snow? Yeah, when you see some dog egg, what do you want to do with it? Pick it up? No, it's... What, magical? It makes you... What does it make?

Hard? No. Excited? It's one of those things that you don't want to look but you do want to look you know yeah I know actually you know

what I mean when you say like that there have been moments when you just see that pure white you know

feel and it's all leeching in you see this kind of sunken hole yeah and then it's all

gone yellow around the sides yeah that's it the snow has been tainted by the stench and the texture of the dog egg

and it's dropped to the grass level because it must have been really warm when it dropped basically it's come out of a dog's body I mean you know

Merry Christmas you know what I mean it's like that have you ever eaten some asparagus and then your wee smells of asparagus do you know the I mean? It's like that Have you ever eaten some asparagus And then your wee smells of asparagus? Yes Do you know the way that you kind of

That smell is at once repulsive But also a bit Curious Yeah It's a bit like that isn't it? Yeah It's just amazing that effect It's like when you do a poo

And it smells almost exactly The same as the meal you ate Anyway Let's pretend... This is snowman and the snow dog egg candy floss. Yeah. And it's in a tub. This is very similar product to one we tasted recently on the show, Paul.

Oh, yeah, we did do snow... Vimto popcorn. I mean... I said popcorn. Candy floss. No, it was the durian popcorn, which wasn't popcorn. No, it wasn't. It was just popped corn.

Well, it was Wotsits. Yeah, Wotsits. Smelly Wotsits. Anyway, strawberry-flavoured candy floss. No, it was the durian popcorn, which wasn't popcorn. No, it wasn't. It was just popped corn. Well, it was Wotsits. Yeah, Wotsits. Smelly Wotsits. Anyway, strawberry-flavoured candy floss. The Vimto candy floss was quite good. You get quite a lot in the bucket, don't you? Vimto's still around. Yeah.

It's a survivor from that era. What's the candy floss like? Is it fruit-flavoured? It's fine. It tastes like candy floss. It's slightly strawberry. But as candy floss goes... Oh, that's all right.

It's fine. Yeah. It's not repulsive. It tastes like candyfloss. I quite like that. You can't really go wrong with candyfloss, though. Yeah, you can.

I mean, theoretically. Just having candyfloss in the first place. What if you made candyfloss with dog shit? I don't think you can make candyfloss with dog shit. What if the fucking

candyfloss, man... What, just shat in your hand? He went, no, I'm... Yeah, no, what... Is this candyfloss? No, it's the shitting in your hand, man. What he this candy floss no it's the shitting in your hand what he does is

he goes up to the machine that you think is going to make the candy floss and he just puts it around the bit pulls his empty hand out puts it down his pants

shits in his hand shits in his hand and then slaps it puts it right against your face slowly not like a slap it's like a slow press

into your face so it goes into your eye and your nostril happy Christmas out of your mouth a bit too Not like a slap. It's like a slow press into your face. So it goes into your eye and your nostril. Happy Christmas. Out of your mouth a bit too. Oh, Merry Christmas to one and all. Dog eggs.

So there you go, buddy boy. I wonder where dog eggs came from. I think I heard it on something personally. I must have heard it on something. Maybe. I don't know. I just like the visual idea of a dog egg. I'm over here. I must have heard it on something. Viz? Maybe. I don't know. I just like the visual idea of a dog. Jimmy, I'm over here. I'm coming. Here we go. Did you like the snowman

stuff I got for you to show you how great Christmas is? Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. I didn't like it. I think the... I'll go for maybe a four for the candy floss. That was my favourite. Oh, that's my... Sorry, can I get to the mic? Yeah, I'll give it a four as well. Yeah, I'd give it a four as well. Right, you fucking idiots.

Fucking done with this. Have you learned a lesson you like? Do you still... Jimmy, stop touching it. I'm excited. It's going to be a great Christmas for Jimmy Biscuits. Well, I'm still down on Christmas. There's not enough celery or iceberg lettuce.

Well, this... Also, Christmas is a fucking time of mixing fruit with meat galore, isn't it? It is. It, this. Also, also, Christmas is a fucking time of mixing fruit with meat galore, isn't it? It is. It can be. I don't like it being that way.

Well, just, we can't do anything about it. That's why I thought I'd bring you get some candy for you.

They have cranberry on the fucking turkey. Yeah. It's a travesty. Well, isn't mint sauce similar?

It's bullshit. Oh, sure. I don't like any kind of sauce like that. Right, he's obviously

not learnt his lesson. I don't like fruit sauces. So it's time for Eli to go to Sleepy Bye Bye Bye Bye's bullshit. Oh, sure. I don't like any kind of sauce like that. Right, he's obviously not learnt his lesson. I don't like fruit sauces. So it's time for Eli to go to Sleepy Bye Bye Bye Bye's time. Don't do it to me again. Sleepy Bye Bye. Take it in your face. Sleep, princess. Are you a licky, licky fanny?

Sleep, my princess. Sleep, my beautiful princess. Oh, hello, doggy. Hello, doggy. Do the dog fantasy again. Oh, hello, donkey. He's going to milk it for eggs. Where's the eggs come from?

Hello, donkey. He's asleep. Yeah, no, goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Bollocks. And goodbye, Jimmy Biscuits. Goodbye. You've been great. It's going to work like a charm. Yeah, all right.

Yeah, it was fucking great, that. Good luck. I've got my money. Thank you. Bye-bye. Merry Christmas, you wanker. Thank you. Are you going to touch him while he sleeps? Can I watch?

Can I watch while you touch? No? No. You sure? Not going to touch him a little bit? I'll stick around, just in case. No, you can go. You sure?

You sure? Alright, I'll go, then. Yeah, please go. You sure? You sure? All right, I'll go then. Yeah, please go. Right, just one more ghost to do. Got everything sorted out. It's fine. You're not still asleep. All right, hey, here we go.

Oh, this must be the ghost of Christmas future. Oh, hello. Oh, God. You've dressed for the part, Oh, I bet the door. Oh, hello. Oh, God. You've dressed for the part, haven't you? That's very foreboding. Very Grim Reaper-like. So, are you here to do the thing?

Oh, that's very scary. But are you here to do the thing for Eli? Remember the booking for the agency? Yeah, you understand? All right, come in, come in. Come in. So here he is. He's lying there.

He'll wake up in a minute. Got a little game. I thought it'd be fun to kind of scare him, put the fear of death Into him literally See What are you doing? What are you doing? Get back

Stay where you are Hang on Put the frogs back Into the dog hole Put the frogs Put the frogs up In the ice cream hole Put the frogs back in the dog hole! Put the frogs up in the ice cream hole! Put the... Fuck! Fuck!

Paul? He's dressed up as death or something. Hang on. What's that on the floor? Paul? Paul, is that you? You. You monster.

They want me to play a game? Ganon's Golden Games, but Ganon's not here anymore. The Grim Reaper's Golden Games? But Ganon's not here anymore. The Grim Reaper's Golden Games. Have you got... You've got bad breath, mate. You're going to need to do a voice for this because it's an audio podcast. I want to suck your dick. He's back again.

You want an accent for the Grim Reaper. Yes, I give you. Charity shop vampire. Who also likes to what? Vank himself off. No, no, no, no, no. What do I like to do? Nosh off. No, no, no, no, no. What do I like to do? Nosh off.

No, no, no, no. I do. What's the other thing that I like to do? You like to suck some cock. Yes, I like to suck some cock. Yeah, it's good. So, Eli, we have here a game. A game to play for your very life.

It's Grim Reaper's Golden Games. Let me tell you. Let me use another voice. Grim Reaper's Golden Games. Yes, it's the Grim Reaper's Golden Games. A fantastic new thing. But you'll be playing for your life. Oh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Right. Eli, Eli, Eli. Who's that? Eli, Eli, Eli. Who's that? This is the ghost of all. Okay.

Hello. I tell you, I'd play the game. Yeah. Tell me how What do we do? What's this game called firstly? I'm speaking through the body of this Grim Reaper Oh that's strange

I feel like he's a conduit for my Paul you don't have to explain this shit I'm trying to make it work though It's a play show isn't it So anyway on this Ganon's Golden Grim Reaper's Games, it is Stupid Deaths. The game is called Stupid Deaths.

Which I got in a charity shop for £4. Oh, nice. And it's brand new, this game. You can still buy it on the shelves for like 20, 30 quid. Well, maybe not 30 quid, but 20-odd quid. It's a game. It's a board game. And it's actually very, very simple.

The idea is there are loads of deaths on cards, and you have to just say if they're true or false deaths. That's it?, very simple. The idea is there are loads of deaths on cards. And you have to just say if they're true or false deaths. That's it? That's it. That's literally the whole game? Yeah, but the way the game works is that there are about 20-odd spaces on the board. It's just in a ring?

It's in a ring. And death is on the red at the top. Oh, he's following you around, is he? And directly below is yours on the green. Oh, is it one player? You can do it as many players as you want. Okay. But since you'll be playing for your life

today it'll just be me you've just got to be trying to outrun the Grim Reaper that's it so here's the thing if you get a question

right if you guess correctly you move forward a space okay if you don't you stay exactly where you are but the Grim Reaper

moves the Grim Reaper always moves he always moves whether you move or not yeah so you've got to get

to either the red spot before he touches you yeah well that's it you've just to get to either the red spot before he touches you. Yeah. Well, that's it. You've just got to get to the red spot. That's the game. Is it good?

Simple as pie. We're about to play it and find out for your life because Eli, if you don't win, I can't fight him. The Grim Reaper

will take your soul to hell. Wow. He will take your delicacy. Isn't Tiny Tim going to be in this at some point? Yeah. Alright. Are we going to do that, though?

Yeah, we might get the little urchin orphan boy. He might turn up, mate. Yeah, he might turn up. Let's see how that goes. We'll see. Stupid Deaths. So are you ready to play For Your Life? Yes.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Very suck, mas. Fuck it, though, mate. I just need to know if it's made up or not. It's true or false. It's simple. These are like Darwin Awards ones. Kind of.

Unusual or stupid. And historical. Okay. So here's your first card. Here we go. Williams Wordsworth, born 1770, died 1850. One of Britain's most celebrated poets was attending a sheep shearing ceremony when a skittish sheep managed to escape from its shearer.

Fuck me, that's a hard sentence. A skittish sheep managed to escape from its shearer? Yeah. Like it. Oh, fuck off. It charged into the crowd, toppling several people to the ground. Wordsworth was knocked out when he struck his head and never regained consciousness was that how he died?

true or false? think about it you know what Paul I'll just take you through my working don't do another voice please I'm doing the pig that's not a pig

imagine the pig in the story it's a sheep you don't shear a pig you twat you're so you're like with food aren't you animals it's the same with food and, you're like with food, aren't you? Animals, it's the same with food and animals.

You're just like, oh, fucking animal label. It's just a thing. My name is... Spoffy the sheep. It's not Spoffy. Spaffy. Spaffy the sheep. Spaffy the sheep. Paul, you don't have to do a character for everyone.

This is how I spaff. Are we going to get... That's amused me. Thank you. That's amused me. Now, Paul. All right, go on. Please don't do a different character based on each of these scenarios. I can't promise I won't.

The Grim Reaper is possessed by all spirits from beyond the death, so... Beyond the death. Beyond the death. Beyond the veil of existence veil all right of existence i should take you through my working yeah please do i think i have studied his poems in school and i think if he did have a strange death like that it would have just been mentioned by the teacher okay that's the kind of fact that the teacher would spice up the lesson so that poem and i've never heard that so i Fell over a pig. Sheep. Sheep.

So, you like pigs better, don't you? You think it's false. You like pigs more than sheep, don't you? I do. I think they're funnier. They are. They are. They're curly little tails. Yeah, and they're big snouts.

And they're snouts. And they're playful gait. And they are just as smart as dogs, they reckon, aren't they? Yeah. It's a shame, isn't it? What, that I eat them? What, dogs? No, pigs.

Sheep, pigs. Sheep! Right, true or false, did you say? So, false. I think it's false, yes, Paul. Let's ask the Grim Reaper. Is it true or false? Yeah.

It's false, you're right. So, you go forward a spot. And so does the Grim Reaper. I quite like this game. Not worth 20 quid, though, is it? No, I'm glad I got it for four quid in the charity shop in Muscle Hill in London. Next card. Hand Steininger.

Born 1508, died 1587. Hand Steininger. Yeah. Burgermeister of Bavarian town of Brownow. What's a Burgermeister? The master of burgers. Probably, yeah. Is he?

Maybe. Or master of meat. Is he? Meat master. I thought they called me in the nightclubs. That's what they called me. Beer comes cannon. Master of meat.

I want the master of meat. What happened to him? He was very proud of his beard, which was four and a half feet in length. But it was also the cause of his death as which was four and a half feet in length. Okay. But it was also the cause of his death as he tripped over it and broke his neck. True or false? Well, I've never heard that story, but that's the kind of thing that they... I didn't expect you to know every single story on this pack because there's hundreds. Yeah, I know.

Hundreds of deaths. I think that one's true. Let's find out if it's true. Death, is it? Ghost of Christmas, Ghost of Christmas, true Death Is it Ghost of Christmas Ghost of Christmas Ghost of Christmas Ghost of Christmas future

I'm the sheep And I come Here we go It is true. Doing very well. Thank you. Death moves forward. Death moves forward.

Next card. Three white mice, it says this one. That's a nursery rhyme. Died 1863. So let's see what this is about. They may be anonymous, but these mice saved the lives of many people. They were chosen to test air quality before the New York subway opened in 1863 on 8th Avenue. Leaking gas fumes killed them all, so the opening was delayed three months allowing for repairs.

True or false? That sounds true. That sounds true to me. You're going to go with true? Yeah. Ghost of the future, Christmas. What do you say? It's false.

Shit. So Grim Reaper takes a step closer. He's catching up on me. Two out of three ain't bad. As Meatloaf once said. Did he? I believe so, yeah. Paul? Yeah. Has there been a version of the Scrooge story of the Christmas Carol which has

the ghost of Christmas future being from the future, like Doc Brown? I don't know. I don't know what Christmas Carol is. Okay. I've never heard of it. What was Christmas Carol? Scrooge, what's that? DuckTales?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I've seen DuckTales. Right. Is it a character from DuckTales? Yes. Yeah. I don't know what he's talking about. Joseph Smith, born 1770. He's the Mormonales? Yes. Yeah. I don't know what he's talking about. Joseph Smith, born 1770.

He's the Mormon guy. Let's see. I don't know. There's probably quite a lot of Joseph Smiths. It's quite a common name sounding when you think about it. Anyway, died in 1858. Smith discovered that the cure for his pains was a Turkish bath. Happily, a friend constructed a bath on his land so Smith could use it.

Unhappily, the shock of the cool dressing room air after the overheated hot air chamber was too great. He fell into the heater and scorched himself to death. True or false? Quite nasty. This is quite a nasty way to die. True. It is true.

I mean, it's true. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. I think I'm going to win gonna win i'm gonna beat death death you're doing well next card next death the great lafayette born 1871 died 1911 the great lafayette was one of the most famous conjurers in the world at one show a trick with a flaming torch went wrong killing 11 people including himself his funeral, his actual remains were discovered.

A double of the great man used in one of the illusions had been wrongly identified and buried. What? So what they're saying is one of the 11 people... They buried the wrong person? Yeah, because one of the 11 people was his double for certain tricks. Oh. So they buried that instead. Oh, there you go.

True or false? It's got to be true. Yes, it's true. Yes, it's true. Yes, it is. Oh, he's doing it again. You're getting closer to salvation. You're only seven deaths away. Only seven deaths away.

Seven deaths away. All right. What cunt has died now? Martin of Aragon, born 1356, died 1410. How could anyone know what went on then? Who knows? It's all made up bullshit

they're already a fuss yeah but Martin of Aragon he fucking died like a dickhead he's got an onion up his arse he fucking died with an onion up his arse he's got an onion right up there

yeah what was all that about no I don't fucking want to talk about it no I don't want to I don't want to talk about it Martin of Arsagon more like Arsunion

Martin of Arsunion right nickname the the humane Martin was the king of Aragon Martin of Arsonian. Right. Nicknamed the Humane, Martin was the king of Aragon, Valencia, Sardinia, Corsica and Sicily. He was the Humane because he was nice to people. I guess. Having just eaten a whole goose,

it is said to have died from a combination of indigestion and laughter after his jester told him a particularly good joke. Laughed himself to death. Choking on goose. See, that to me sounds like something that they kind of made up. Master! Yeah, yeah. I have a particular riddle for you that you may find delectable. The jester poisoned him and then said,

oh, he laughed so hard at my, you know. What is open when it is closed, my liege? And closed when it is open. That's a riddle, not a joke. It is a riddle at the beginning. Listen, I'm Martin Onion Arsigan. Martin? I'm Martin Onion Arsigan, and I want a joke for my jester.

Come on, not some riddle about something a book. Why has Bugs Bunny got long ears, sire? I don't know. For he is a rabbit. I see, it's like an anti-joke. You can't call me that. I'm the know. For he is a rabbit. I see. It's like an anti-joke. You can't call me that. I'm the king.

Oh, fuck. Anyway, good thing I'm humane. Anyway, did you say true or false for that? False. Oh, yes. True or false? By the way, can I just say at this juncture? Yeah.

Of course I know about cheese and onion crisps, yeah? And pickled onion. Yes. These are all forms of onion. You don't just get onion crisps, yeah. And pickled onion. Yes. These are all forms of onion. You don't just get onion crisps, do you? Not like raw onion crisps. No, not like that. That's all I was trying to say.

That's fine. I don't think anyone really cares. Everyone attacks me with their, oh, excuse me, monster munch, like that. True or false for the jester? You said false. I think it's false, yeah. All right.

The answer is... True. So death steps one closer. Death steps one closer. And it's on the edge of the board, so it's going to be hard to put in there. But you've done that. Well done. You're still doing well. Here we go. Next card. Piero Montetti

died in 1926. Montesi was a novice monk in a monastery in Pescagia, Italy, when Benito Mussolini visited the town. Montesi decided to kill the fascist dictator by blowing him up with a homemade bomb. Good. He didn't get close enough to do it. He didn't get close enough to damage him, but succeeded in offing himself. Offing himself. True or false?

That sounds true. What do you do if you're a novice monk? You go, well, is everyone being quiet in it now? Or, you know, when's the buggering start? Later. True or false? For the monk who tried to kill Mussolini

That sounds true That sounds true No False Fuck False to death Steps closer Fuck I'm falling down

Right next I tell you what Look Speed the game up Look at my little game piece For 20 quid They could give you a game piece. A bit more flashy, yeah.

That's just like a generic one. Yeah, it's like an old Cluedo piece, isn't it? Yeah. It's not great, is it? I'll tell you what. Speed the game up. We've got a stack ridge up there. It's two steps forward for everyone now, rather than one.

Speed it up. All right. Because otherwise I'd be right here all night. I like it, though. Harry Houdini. See if you can know this one. I do. See if you remember.

Yeah. Born 1874. Died 1926. See if you can know this one. I do. See if you remember. Born 1874. Died 1926. Can I tell you what's on that card? Go on. He boasted, part of his sort of, you know, persona was how strong he was and how he could take a punch from anyone. Yeah.

So one, a guy punched him. The guy said, okay, I bet I could punch you. Yeah. And you couldn't take it. And he punched him and ruptured his spleen. Yeah. And he died. Yeah.

Basically, yeah. A student punched him several times, rupturing Cudini's appendix. He died a few days later. Yeah, wow. Had he not been in pain, because he was already in pain from it, so he shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. His appendix was already sort of swollen or something. The thing is, he didn't feel the pain from the hits as a result,

so he didn't notice any more extra pain. Ah, because he did have a strong stomach that could take the hits. Yeah, something like that. Anyway, so yeah, true. That is true, yeah. Next death. William Bullock. Born 1831, died 1887.

Bullock. Bullock invented the rotary printing press. When installing one of the presses for a Philadelphia newspaper, 87. Bullock. Bullock invented the rotary printing press. When installing one of the presses for a Philadelphia newspaper, he made last-minute adjustments trying to kick a belt into place. The machine crushed his leg, and he died during the leg's amputation. So think twice before kicking that copy machine. True or false?

False. Let's ask Mr. Grim Death Reaper. Oh, fucking hell. He hasn't got indigestion or something. It was true. So you're wrong. Well, Death Reaper. Oh, fucking hell. Oh! Why does he... He hasn't got indigestion or something. It was true. So you're wrong. Well, Death moves forward. One, two... Getting closer.

He's getting closer. John Schnipper, born 1918, died 1956. Born in Idaho, Schnipper was a keen cyclist and amateur inventor. Inspired by breakthroughs in jet propulsion, he fitted two firework rockets to his cycle. was a keen cyclist and amateur inventor. Inspired by breakthroughs in jet propulsion, he fitted two firework rockets to his cycle. He lit the fuses and was killed instantly

when the rockets exploded beneath him. At least he went out with a blast. True or false? True. It's false. Fuck.

Death's getting closer. He's getting way close. Do you know what? There's a lot wrong with this game. Right. There's not much to it, is it? You can just 50-50 it, can't you know what? There's a lot wrong with this game. Right. There's not much to it, is it? You can just 50-50 it, can't you?

Yeah, but if you're playing with more people, you know, you don't know. It's not great, is it? I'm having fun. Shut up. It's interesting, this. Thomas E. Selfridge, born 1882, died 1909. Selfridge, a US Army officer, earned a rather unfortunate claim to fame. As a passenger in a plane being flown by

Orville Wright, he became the first person... Orville? Orville Wright. Orville the bird? Not Orville the bird. Imagine that. I wish I could fly one. I hope fucking so too. Otherwise I'm not getting in that fucking plane. Anyway, he became the first person to die in an airplane crash. So, Thomas... What year?

1908. Thomas E. Selfridge was the first person to die in a airplane crash true is it's correct all right come on i would bound i wish i was you're nearly there you're two deaths away. Two deaths away from winning. Here we go. Reverend Jesse Thatcher, born 1925, died 1964. Thatcher was a Church of England priest in Plymouth, Devon. He was also a bare-knuckle boxer fighting an illegal bout, staged for gambling.

During one of these fights, he was knocked out and he died. True or false? True. It's false. False. It's a death. Death will get you if you don't get this next one right. Fuck.

You were so confident at the start. You were doing so well. Where's it all gone? John the Blind. Born 1296. Died 1348 did he fall into the sea or something is this Mr Magoo

John the Blind was using his walking stick near a cliff face and he went where's my glasses and fell off a cliff no he didn't John was king of Bohemia and as his nickname suggests was blind but that didn't stop him fighting against the English at the battle of Crecy.

I think it's pronounced C-R-E-C-Y. He had his horse... He had his horse's bridle tied to those... Why is he getting on a fucking horse if he's blind? He had his horse's bridle tied to those... I'm sorry. I take that back. Blind people can ride horses. Yeah, but you didn't think so, did you?

I was going to let that go. But, you know, since you're making an apology, it is your hateful views are coming into play. All I'm saying is, if you were blind and you enjoyed riding horses,

you wouldn't do it going into battle. You'd sort of go, you know, let me finish the story. He had his horse's bridle tied to those of his closest companions

and fought and died in his service of his country. Crazy. So, yeah, he must have had, like, his horse strapped to people ahead of him, and they kind of guided the horse and he rode on top.

But, I mean, what I'm trying to say is... How would you know who you're hitting? Yeah. Wouldn't he be a bit of a liability? Will you stop it, John? I'm on your side! I don't know what you're going to mean. What?

Come at me, you bastards! Come on! Come on! True. bastards. Come on. Come on. True. It is true. Lifeline. Coming down to the last one.

Lifeline. One, two. So it literally comes down to this last F. Either get it right and you win. Or he catches me. Or he catches you on this card. I hope this is one I know, like the Houdini one. Yes, thank you.

Here we go. The last death. Mickey Macaroon. Mickey Macaroon? Like Mickey Macaroon. Hello, I'm Mickey Macaroon. Hello, Mickey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a macaroon. Oh, do'm Mickey Macaroon. Hello, I'm Mickey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like a macaroon. Oh, do you? Yeah, I crush them. Oh, lovely. I crush them and put them in a drink, and then I drink it. Great. I'm Mickey Macaroon. Crazy.

Started so well, then literally plopped off a cliff. Plopped off a cliff? Plopped off a cliff. Plopped off a clip. Plopped off a cliff. You're okay, Paul. You've lost it, mate. You've lost it. Why have you lost it?

Merry Christmas. Mickey Macaroon. Mickey Macaroon. Here we go. Mickey Macaroon. It's not Mickey Macaroon. All I can say is Mickey Macaroon. Say something else.

Oh, it's fun. Say something else. All right, here we go. What's his actual name? Mickey McKenzie. McKenzie. Mickey McKenzie. Born 1852, died 1887, choked to death on macaroons.

No. McKenzie was a cowboy in Iowa. He was very proud of his long Unshorn hair Which became his ultimate undoing While riding under a tree His hair got caught in the branches Pulling him off his horse

And suspending him inescapably With no one else around He died of thirst I'm going to go True or false You think Mickey Mackenzie, Mickey McAroo, Mickey McKenzie... Died getting his hair caught in a tree. Sounds feasible.

Let's see what the Grim Reaper says. The Ghost of Future Presence. Stop doing that. Oh, windy pops. The answer is false. You are wrong. The Grim Reaper has taken Eli. I can't hang on much longer in this body.

I'm going. Oh, that noise. I want to bring you to hell, Eli. That's not what's meant to happen. I'm meant to be redeemed. I know. I've seen my death. But yours will be the next card I read.

No, I've decided I like Christmas now. Let me read the last card. Eli Silverman. I like Christmas. Born card. I like Christmas. I like plums. Oh, come on, mate. With a grubby body and a wonky arm, who annoyed plenty of people in his so-called professional career.

He was found dead. This is not nice now, Paul. It's all a bit weird, isn't it? With his pants around his ankles and a clown's face painted on his genitals. And had he just ejaculated? With the signs saying, Ali Bonko's Magical Circus on his belly.

Ali Bonko! And his herb on the ground. It simply said, I wish I'd liked Christmas. Oh, look, I think our guests arrived. Yeah, just come straight in. Hello, Governor. Oh, it's a little off. Oh, yeah, right.

It's white cold out here Tell you what white cold White cold it is White cold and I was just selling matches Putting them in my arse now They come out my arse All warm Do you mind I'm trying to take this man

No I'm a little orchard I'm an orchard which is It's a combination of an orphan orchard I'm an orchard which is a it's a combination of an orphan and an urchin an orchard I don't know well some guy came over

he says go up there I said you'll have to give me a shilling you'll have to rub a shilling on me old ape

me you know what I mean in me pants oh god so I came in here and I'm a little orphan erm

so listen Eli Just Eli Outside the podcast No Just outside the Christmas special For a bit Hang on One sec

What? I know you wanted to do The orchard Orchard thing the orchard thing. The orphan thing. Yeah. But it's not working now. It's just getting in the way of the resolution of this story.

So let me just go back to the bit where death's going to take you away. And all you have to do is just say, don't take me to hell, don't take me to hell. I feel kind of feverish, to be honest. Yeah. It's because this is all in your head. You're in a dream. And when you wake up, you'll feel better

and it'll be Christmas Day and it'll be better. Why do I have to explain the plot to you outside the podcast? I thought the auction was going to... The orchard or the auction. The orphan orchard. The orphan orchard auction. Or we pluck the finest kitties off the branch

and we sell them for auction. You're going with that. You sell them for auction. I'll tell with that. You sell them for auction. All right, I'll tell him to go then. How's this little boy? Paul. Little gold delicious. Paul, we're not meant to be doing the podcast outside the podcast up here.

Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just too good an idea to do. Just stop. Yeah. Anyway. We'll go back down. I'll tell him to go. I'll tell him to go, okay?

Tell the orphan to go. I'll tell the orphan to go. Let death drag you to hell and then you wake up and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right? Yeah, okay. Then resolution, happy day. Yeah, go on. I'll join you in a minute all right i'll go down first shall i go what tiresome country is all right i'll close the hatch

Right Like I was saying So I've got loads of Loads of Hypenies All stuffed in the full skin And he just He said Do you want change

He'd go Pay the change Pay the man his change They said to me Fucking old Eli Seriously Just get rid of this fucking character So he can end this Christmas

I'll ask him to leave. Hello, Mr. Orchard. Yeah, what? Could you... Mr. Orchard, the orphan. Yeah. He's a little... What?

Could you... There's been a change of plan. What? Do I still get my money? You're still doing it. I have to ask him to leave. All right. Yeah.

You want me to go then? You want nowhere to go? Come with me Alright And we will have adventures In the sky Cherry shop vampire Yes come with me

Alright I'm off then Good Thank you So I got rid of him They're going to have a little adventure In the graveyard That's nice That's nice

It's good Right now what? Wake up do I? Now I must take you to hell. Oh. Because you've lost the game. Oh, I see. But that's not how it goes in the Christmas Carol, is it?

Join me. I will show you my true form. Oh, what are you doing? Oh, he's tearing his face in two. What is underneath? It's unspeakable! Oh, calm down. Calm down, mate. What the fuck?

Calm down. Fuck. Calm down. What the fuck are you doing here? Paul, what are you... Paul, what are you doing here? You've been very poorly this year, Mr Silverman. You've been very ill, so I came along to look after you,

because it's Christmas and you don't have anyone to be with this year. What's going on Where was I? What was I doing? It looked like you were having a nightmare I was? Christ What do you remember about it? It was like I was visited by three ghosts

Oh They were very loosely based on extremely loosely based on the Charles Dickens characters very loosely based on, extremely loosely based on, the Charles Dickens characters were extremely loosely based, almost like they were just an excuse for a kind of format. Yeah. But, yeah, and then they did some things with me which were like Cheap Show things, just sort of to show off.

What's Cheap Show? What? What's Cheap Show? Cheap Show. Wow, you haven't mentioned Cheap Show in years. What? In fact, you haven't even mentioned Paul's name in years. What?

Yeah, the last time you saw Paul Gannon was five years ago when you were doing some podcast called The Uncleanables. What? Did you ever dream about Paul Gannon again? That's so weird. Yeah, he's quite sexualised. Yeah. But anyway, so there's three ghosts.

Yeah, like that Christmas Carol story. Yeah, and perhaps I have been a bit down on Christmas. Well, you've had a very rough year. That's why I'm over here this weekend to look after you for Christmas. But what about Cheap Show? I hate to break this to you, but... What? There's no Cheap Show.

You haven't done Cheap Show. That never happened. What? You and Paul Gannon split your partnership five years ago. You've been working with me. Five years ago? He've been working with me. Five years ago? He was here the other day. Yeah, you joined me on Digitiser with the rest of the crew.

And since then we've been doing, um, Beanus Hour. Beanus Hour with Biffa and Silverman, remember that? Beanus Hour? You don't remember the podcast we've been doing for the past couple of years. Beans? No. Look, you've obviously had a very scary nightmare

So how about you get out of bed and come downstairs There are plenty of presents under the Christmas tree All lovely presents sent from the listeners of the Venus Hour show Maybe you'll get some of that Christmas spirit back So hang on, what? Hang on, what? So you're telling me there's no cheap show And I haven't seen Paul Gannon in five years? That's right. No one's seen him.

You're saying, in reality, although I thought otherwise, I do a podcast with you and Paul Gannon hasn't been seen by anyone in five years? Yeah, that's right. This is going to be the best Christmas ever! It's going to be the best Christmas ever! Jingle bells, jingle bells, la-di-da-di-da. I spot on a kite and then I flew it over your mum's cafeteria. Oh, jingle bells, yeah. Batman, he smells, eh?

That's my Eli! Hello everyone, it's Mr Biffo here from Digitizer. If you've got nothing better to do with your time, you could click on the Digitizer 2000 YouTube channel and watch the Digitizer Christmas special, which has me, Paul and Eli in it, along with Fat Sal, Ashton's, Larry Bundy Jr. Oh, so many people people you'll love it and also

you can now buy the Beanless Christmas single Beanless Likes Christmas Beans on Amazon it's meant to be on iTunes as well but they've they've been a bit slow bye bye