CheapShow - Ep 160: In The Mouth Of Madness

Episode Date: January 10, 2020

It's a strange old episode is this! It seems like the whole episode is teetering on the edge on its own barely stable sanity. Will it be Eli's face explosion? Will it be because of the late night recording session that gets to them? Is it thanks to an awful board game based on a terrible TV show? Could it be something to do with the truly demented song choices in Silverman's Platter? Who knows... But maybe listen to this episode with a trusted, neutral party. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-160-in-the-mouth-of-madness If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Hello, Eli Silverman here. Here's Paul Gannon with me. Hello, I'm Paul Gannon. And with me, as always, is Eli Silverman. Don't you dare lead. Don't you dare. This will always be the Cheap Show with Paul Gannon. And joining me, as always, Eli J. Silverman.

Don't you forget that. All right? I don't go by that. You don't go by that. By that name. You come round it. Come round it. No. Alright? I don't go by that. You don't go by that. By that name? You come round here. Come round here. No. No? I go round there. You go round there. No, I don't go round here. You come round here. I go round

here. Come round here. What do you do? You come round here. Come round here. Come round here. Go down the street. Come round here. Go down there. Go round here. Go round there. Go round here. Go round there. Shut up. Shut up! Short's come!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast. I've done that! I'm doing it professionally. I'm not shouting like a wild beast. You can't do anything measured. You're just either low-key to the point of comatose or violently aggressive. Where's the middle ground, Eli? I'd be violently aggressive. Where's the middle ground, Eli? I'd be middle ground.

Where's cool daddy cool, Eli? Here he is. Hello. Hello, cool daddy Eli. I've got a jumper. Hello. It's a nice jumper, cool daddy Eli. It's got a nice feel to it.

It's got a nice wintry pattern of snowflakes on it as well. It feels soft against my... Ooh, daddy snowflakes. Yeah. I don't know who daddy snowflakes is, but he's cool. Yeah. So, I'm in the medium ground, and yeah, what have we got coming up on the show today, Paul? Well, on...

Hang on. Yeah, hang on, what? I need to do the credit and put the music in somewhere. I need to find somewhere to put the intro. This has been literally the worst ever load of shit I've ever said. Right, put the music in here, then. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. you're gonna have to learn to fucking accept! Tee show Tee show It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show

And I go and I nuzzle I don't think I can do this anymore, honestly I've just, it's like self-flagellation Yes, tell me more about your problems. I am Professor Quacky Quack Quack. What the fuck? You're right, you're right. Oh no, I made tea come out of his nose.

I felt like I was drowning at the swimming pool Excellent What an excellent start to this Increasingly Shit show of a podcast Oh my god We've got to stop doing it in the house of pickles man We've got to get out of the house of pickles.

We really do. It's all over the floor. You're going to have to mop it up. Because right now, I'm looking at nose tea spillage. Just use that towel and get a clean one later. That's not going to help. One little napkin. This is disgusting.

This is so disgusting. Shut up. Anyway, hello. Welcome to welcome to cheap show the economy comedy podcast and yes uh once again we've gone for the bargain bins charity shops and poundlands of great britain and hunted out a few curios to bring you away and what have we got today mr silverman fool your ears fool your ears what have we got I asked you that that's what started this off we have today we haven't done one in a while

a Ganon's Golden Games oh no oh no oh no Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. Goal. What's wrong? Stop it. Seriously, you're genuinely scaring me.

I've just seen tea come out of the hole of your head. Goal games, everybody. I spunk tea out my nose. Sorry. So, we're going to do a Gallant's Goal. The winter's dark. It's a dark time. we're going to do a Ganon's the winter's dark isn't it a dark time we're going to do

a Ganon's golden I hope the goldenness of the game sheds some light on my mood it hopefully should and we're also going to take a little trip

to Silverman's Platter for we have a few curios to go through there as well we certainly do they are all novelty records this week aren't they

they are all novelty records which we like to keep it novelty, don't we? And a lot of them are backgrounds of which we don't know too much about, so we'll be doing a little bit of a deep dive on the internet to bolster our opinions of said music. That's cleared my head a bit, the seriousness of that segment.

I'm holding on. I'm holding on, Paul. Holding on. Hold'm holding on, Paul. I'm holding on. Hold on for one more day. Make a change. Was that Wilson Phillips? Yeah.

Someday somebody's going to make you one and turn around and say goodbye. Oh, yeah. You've sung that before. That's one of your favourite ones, isn't it? I fondly remember it from my youth. Goodbye, everyone. So, yeah. No source report this week because it has been cancelled for good.

I can sadly report that since the last episode when we featured it. The board has had a unanimous agreement that it will be cancelled. Well, I haven't heard of this. This is the first time I've been hearing this. You're not on the board, really, unfortunately. Well, the board needs to tell me what it's doing. No, I haven't heard of this. This is the first time I've been hearing this. You're not on the board, really, unfortunately. Well, the board needs to tell me what it's doing. No, it doesn't need to tell you anything. You are just staff at Cheap Show.

And so we, the board, me, made a decision. There's going to be a source report, you know. There's not, though. There is. If you keep saying there'll never be one, there'll be one sooner than you know. Snip, snip. Snip, snip. No, you can't.

I'll just cut it out. If I say source report after every word I say... I'll just cut it out. I'll cut it out. I'll make the effort. I'll take the effort. No. Right.

Do source report you, source report no. Source report. Source report how, source report long. Source report that. Source report would. Source report take Report would Source Report take Source Report you? Source Report. Let's find out. O, Source Report K.

Source Report with Source Report me. What if you say Source Report? Source Report. I, Source Report. Source Report. One, Source Report. Two, Source Report. C, Source Report.

The, Source Report. Source Report. Source Report. Segment Source Report. No, Source Report. Returning with Source Report support, source support, source support, segment source support. No, source report, Paul, source report. I, source report. This is the twing all over again. Would, source report.

Say, source report. It, source report. Like, source report. This, source report. Source, source report. Report, source report. The concentration on your face is amazing. Source, source report, report, sauce report. The concentration on your face is amazing. Sauce, sauce report, report, sauce report. Oh, my God.

That is it. That is it. You're happy with that? Yeah. Cut that. No, I'll just... And that, doo-doo-doo, was the sauce report. Also...

Edited. After report on the sauce report, the spoons are lying in the ashtray here in the House of Pickles, laden with the sauce tasting from the last episode, Paul. Laden. Laden with sauce. All good sauce in a spoon, all on the ashtray, all in the House of Pickles. Snippy, snippy, no hair, Eli.

I don't care. Snippy, snippy, no hair, Eli. Listen. Yeah? I'm bringing Grumpy Sessions back as well. Oh, the, what, actor, gentleman actor, old man, why? He's out of work, you know, thought I'd give him some work. He doesn't exist, he's in your head.

Well, lots of things that don't exist are in my head. The minute you create him in your head, he exists and therefore he's working, so you could also say he's always in work. No, but that's not, it's not a performance venue. It is. Is it my head, is it? It's a podcast, he only ever appears on your podcast. Do you do him outside of the podcast?

Yes, I do. Do you? Yeah. When? I get up in the morning as Grumpy Sessions I talk to myself as Grumpy Sessions

yeah we get into love making do you yes yeah right he talks about his mum yeah and I come round behind him

so what you're saying is you lie in bed and wank yourself off doing two voices at the same time yeah sometimes more more voices

yeah whole cacophony you have your own little bakarki party in your bed I come on all my cum faces, characters' cum faces. Right, so later on in the show, yeah, we have Guns, Golden Games, and we have another lovely platter.

And is that it? Not a platter, several platters. It's several platters. I just want to keep it simple this week. You can't, though, can you? I can't. I've had a fucking meltdown. I squirted tea out my nose hole.

Yeah, you did. Why does it get so wet in here When we do the podcast I had yum yum sauce all over my bed Which I had to wipe off with a t-shirt And now I've got mucal tea The punk band We are mucal tea One two three

My dad came and he had some tea He started to have my mouth One, two, three. You see, ladies and gentlemen, if you just let him do his thing, he will eventually break himself. Squirty T! Yeah, no, I mean, he's now in the death throes of this moment. Miracle T! And he'll peter out. And then... Squirty T!

Yeah, here we go. He gets quieter and more subdued until regret sets in. Miracle knows. And there we go. There's the regret setting in. Paul. Yeah, and now the forgiveness and the begging. Paul.

Yeah. Could we? Just carry on with the show. Please, please, please. All right, let's carry on with the show. Join us after the sound effect, ladies and gentlemen. Join us. Let's do it.

Oh. Who's that there? He's looking at me He's got some pieces of TV He's a repairman He lives in the moon I've gone away into this Too soon, too soon So this is the part we call

Silverman's Platters Where we go and look through some of the dark corners of record shops and charity shops, and we have an interesting collection of tracks tonight. Mr Silverman, what have we got? Hello, on Silverman's Platters tonight, I just want to remind everyone of the patron saint of this segment, Clive McFatter.

Clive McFatter. Close enough. And we've got three very interesting novelty records, Paul. I'm a cleaner and I'm from Mars. I clean the shops and shopping malls. I'm out here and I'm walking down the street and everyone sees that they're people like me. They've got big old eyes and they drink love from glasses

and every time they see that through their arses and every... The lyrics are not your strong point, but tunes are doing alright. Every time I go up all the stairs... You can stop. So... You started it. Let's start with the worst, or say worst, least interesting.

Three very interesting items and two of these were sent to us as well. Yes, they were. Is that true, Paul? Yes, I sent to us as well. Yes, they were. Is that true, Paul? Yes, I believe from Alex as well. From Alex who did the bespoke Price of Shite in the last episode. In our previous adventure. And he just dived to the bottom of the bed to...

Stop telling him! Bury his face. Stop telling him! I tell you what, this is the last time I'm doing this podcast on this bed. Yeah. It makes me lax I just go lax Yeah I know

You go very lax I could actually just lie here I know Stop get up Come on Sources What's the first record We're dealing with tonight

On the platter There's vinegar down there Sorry There's vinegar down there And you better beware You'll slip on over And you'll smell. Put the vinegar down my meter's hole.

Stingy, stingy, spoofy. Right, you're not even trying anymore, are you? Stingy, stingy, spoofy. Is this the order that you've handed me to them? No, because the order I handed them, you've been fiddling with. You've now changed around. I've been fiddling. I've been shuffling the records.

Yeah, so it's now out of order. No, it should be that one, then the yellow, and then we end with the fedora. Okay. All right? Yeah, so the first record today. Jesus. You spilled the records.

Showstoppers 81. Yeah. I think they're called Whisper. No, that's the label is Whisper. Okay, so what are Showstoppers 81? They have a discography. Oh, interesting. Apparently, it's Sarah Brightman. Okay, so what is Showstoppers 81? They have a discography. Oh, interesting. Apparently, it's Sarah Brightman.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. So explain to them what the track is first, and then we'll play a little bit. This is a seven-inch single, Showstoppers 81, with the bracket Disco Sound of Music. So, as you've heard on this podcast before, it's a disco version of a movie track.

But it isn't just the sound of music, the song, The Hills Are Alive, the sound of music. It's a medley because they also do My Favourite Things, don't they? And Edelweiss. Do they do Edelweiss in there? Climb Every Mountain and Do Re Mi. So it's a disco version, but it goes through all the songs in the movie. It medleys them. In a Stars on 45 type way.

Yeah, it medleys them together, doesn't it? Which was a thing that people did, wasn't it? Because what I told you, it reminds me of the famous Star Wars... Miko? Miko and his Star... What was it called? Disco Star Wars or something?

I just think it was called Star Wars maybe. I don't know. Star Wars theme. But that also kind of medleyed the music from the film, didn't it? Because it had a bit which was the cantina band. The cantina band. So it's similar, isn't it? it yeah a little bit uh it's awful and they sing she sings it and yeah it's awful it's it's what was popular at the time like stars on 45 was a popular thing

there was a thing about buying albums that had a mega mix medley of the hits or classics yeah so you said it got a little snatch of uh several tunes not really the whole thing and then it kind of snowballs by the time you get to the late 80s it's gone via that to jive bunny yeah that is jive bunny is the end of the line with that sort of stuff it's more like sampling though it's not like it's it's because it's just a bunch of those tracks it is like sampling but it's they also play they play a few bars of each tune don't they it's not just yeah no but it's all just sampled, taped together on a beat. Yeah.

Whereas at least this is like orchestrated music. This is actually made. Yeah, this wasn't built from samples. So apparently doing the voice of, well, everyone knows it to be Julie Andrews in the film, Sarah Brightman is singing on it. Tell me about Sarah Brightman. Wasn't she married to Andrew Lloyd Webber? She was, and she was known for musicals at the West End.

Most notably, I think. Chess? No, Phantom. Ah, she was the heroine in Phantom. The Phantom of the Coop. Was there a chicken in your production? The Phantom of the Coop. Okay.

The Coop, you mean. Phantom of the Coop. You are channeling Jimbo they're good someone says there are notes on this Discogs page oh no it's not

it's 45cat do you know that website no it's a Discogs similar site but anyway does it have a marketplace and everything

yes it does it has links where you can buy it and the label is Whisper It's a Discog similar site. But anyway, notes. Does it have a marketplace and everything? Yes, it does. It has links where you can buy it. And the label is Whisper. Yeah, Whisper's the label. 1981, yeah. October 2nd, if you want to be precise. Wow.

Record price, according to Amazon, £40. To get this? Oh, no, sorry, $40 on Amazon to get that. I could buy this on Amazon for $40. For $40.73. That's crazy, isn't it? Maybe it is worth a bit. He says the singles for 50p each.

Oh, so you're talking about the album is $40. No, this is the single. A and B. It's got terrible marks on it, so you probably couldn't get that. There's a section here that says, Notes, release date from booklet. The new single's number 895. I don't know what that means, but... Continuing with my collection of bizarre discs comes this piss take of the put anything to a disco beat genre.

Yeah. A Julie Andrews sound alike, although it's confirmed to be Sarah Brightman, who trills her way through the main songs and the sound of music, thusly producing a truly mind-wrenching end result. Just one question. Why? Yeah, it's terrible. But this is, you can see why people kind of, kind of got sick of disco. It had this,

I can imagine it became very, this penetration into all areas of everything. Do you see what I mean? I guess that's what like, you know, like 90s pop would have been of its era.

You know, when you got like bands like Bewitched and fucking S Club 7 and all those kind of bands. that wasn't a particular actual genre, a generic sound. No, I know what you mean. those kind of bands. Yes, that wasn't a particular actual genre, a generic sound.

No, I know what you mean. That kind of, that house music kind of did it, didn't it? It just became everything was sort of a house beat after a while. But disco's the first time

and so it got into easy listening, it got into every area. Disco, you know, novelty disco and all sorts of stuff, didn't it? Do you see what I mean? And it's this kind of thing where you start thinking they're just slapping disco on anything to sort of sell it.

To sell it, desperately. And it must have been kind of claustrophobic, the way disco was so huge and ubiquitous around then. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Doesn't say if it reached a particular part in the charts or anything at all. It doesn't have that information. I bet it didn't.

One guy leaves a comment underneath and says, there's a bit of novelty to this from previous co-writer Jess Calvert and Gerate Hughes, who between them wrote, produced, and nearly everything on the Whisper label. Okay. And his name is Arthur Nibble. So the Whisper label, he's saying,

had those people behind them and they did sort of tacky, horrible stuff like this. Yeah. I'm looking on Amazon for this right now. And it is going in the UK for a fiver. Well, that's quite a lot, actually, isn't it? I guess. But whether it's sold for that, I don't know.

But there you go. Well, it'll go into my collection. Yeah. See what it's like on eBay. See if there's any difference. Have we played any of it yet for them? Oh, let's play on eBay. See if there's any difference. Have we played any of it yet for them? Oh, let's play it now. With the sound of music These songs they have sung For a thousand years

The hills fill my heart With the sound of music My heart wants to sing Every song it hears My heart wants to beat every song it hears. My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds that rise from the lake to the trees. To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray. Yeah, you see what I mean? Woo! There's nothing...

The instrumentation isn't particularly great. It's competent. It's competent. It's fine. It's functional. The problem is, is that... It's the fucking sound of music with a disco beat. It's like, that's the joke.

But were they trying to make money off that? Would it made money? Well, yeah. People just put it on and go, dance around, don't they? I've got Disco Lucy, which is the Lucy Ball, what's her show? Lucy Ball. I Love Lucy. The I Love Lucy theme.

Oh, really? Disco. Yeah. But the B side is actually quite a good bit of disco. Do you know what I mean? Sort of like this well-produced sort of dance track. Whereas the B-side to this is wretched. Should we play a bit of that now?

Yeah. Thank you. On Do, Re, Mi, Fa, we're going to climb that mountain and reach the stars. Because doing it's one of my favorite things. It makes a girl like Maria sing. Because drops of rain and staying alive. Without that heat, how can love survive? Yeah, it's Sarah Brightman rapping. I say rapping, talking to a cheap rap beat. And it's the sound of rapping is what it's called.

And it's not good. It's just, yeah, it's very bad. It's like, you know when you get... But there was a whole thing around the time, wasn't there, as well, where you had that kind of posh lady English doing a sort of rap sort of thing. Do you know? It reminds me of that tune, Money. That's what I like. It's a bit like that, isn't it?

I want money. That intonation, the sort of posh... Yeah. Wasn't she German, though, in that song? No. I want money. No, it wasn't that, no. The sauce report. That's better, yeah. Oh. I want money. No, it wasn't that. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. The source report.

That's better, yeah. The source report. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. The source report. Which is never coming back. Right, so. Talking of Germans. Yeah.

There's one coming along now. Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky. We were doing all right in that segment. We were staying on course, talking about something factually. Don't rattle the mic stand. It's really annoying. It's calling up the mic stand. Donually. Don't rattle the mic stand. He's calling out the mic stand.

Don't. Don't. He's rustling. Please stop. He's twanging the mic stand. Here he is. Hello, little fella. Oh, hello there.

Listen, man. You okay? It's Vermin, yeah. Listen, I need some action, you know. It's very boring, my life. Have you seen that guy? Have you seen that guy? Have you seen that guy? You know, Adolf Manson.

Can we just do another section of the show? Have you seen him? Yeah, he's here, baby. You know, it's cool. There you are, baby. No, I wasn't looking for you, man. Oh, man, I was just hanging out. No, I wasn't looking for you, no.

You know, I was just... You're just kind of hassling me at the moment, man. I don't mean to hassle you. I love you, baby. I know that, baby. I know you love me. I just like hanging out with you. Yeah, it's gro know you love me. I just like hanging out with you. Yeah, it's groovy, but man, I've got other things.

I just like hanging out with you. I've got other things to do, baby girl. I've got stuff to do. Listen, Adolf Manson, baby. Listen, baby Manson, Adolf. Maybe crazy, baby. No. Listen, I live up on the shelf up there.

Yeah. There's not much to do, you know, fella. I can't hang out. Why don't you just take some drugs, baby, and boogie to the music? I don't like to do it by myself. You know, the party's not the same. I mean, the party's over. You know where all the places is.

The party's over, man. No, you know where all the places, the cool places to hang out are, where the music, you know, cool ones. The party's over, my friend. I'm the vermin, though. I know, baby, but sometimes you've got to grow up. It's been 20 years, Herman. You know, baby, it's been 20 years, Herman. You know, baby, it's been 20 years, Herman.

I know. I got a family, Herman, baby. All right. You have? And you just live in your little flat still, baby. I thought you were heavily coded as homosexual. You mean you could still have a family? I still do.

How very, very... I thought you were... This is what I mean, baby. You didn't get out and see the world. You don't know stuff. You didn't have kids, actual kids. No, they adopted. But that's still legitimate, and I still fucking love them baby

you know what fuck off Herman alright you marrow minded cunt alright I go I'm gonna go on the mind stand yet another character from Eli

done another hate monger character he's not another horrible person no he's not god almighty he's just a bit confused. He's confused about his feelings.

He's lived in a flat. He's been sheltered all his life and he hasn't seen the world. And of course, he's got fucking stupid opinions like that. He's gone back up there. Well, he lives on a shelf, you know. Go see the world, Herman. Maybe fucking live a little. Well, perhaps Adolf could have been nicer to him, you know. Showed him some things. He's been nice to him for years. It was the final straw. He won't

move on. Everyone else has got a family and job and Herman still lives in that flat with a blacklight and a lava things. He's been nice to him for years. It was the final straw. All right. He won't move on. Everyone else has got a family and job, and Herman still lives in that flat with a blacklight and a lava lamp. It's pathetic. He's a lonely woman, isn't he? You know what? He's got a lot in common with the source report, in that he's never coming back. Don't get political.

Don't bring the politics into it. Right, next track is Car 67 by driver 67 and it sounds like this car 67 car 67 where are you come in 6767 can you hear me control this is 67 here i can hear you loud and i can hear you good yeah control this is 67 here i can hear you loud and i can hear you Good morning, 6-7, good morning. Bit of a light start, isn't it? Yes, we have a job for you. We want you to pick up a young lady at 83 Royal Gardens. Control, have mercy on me.

I don't want to do the pickup. Isn't anybody else free? Stuck in a jam in a long way street. Why don't you tell her she'd be quicker if she used a beach air? I must be joking, 6-7-8. Come on, I must have a time for the pickup. The best that I can do is tell you tomorrow, yeah. Because if I do the job, it's going to cause me sorrow.

Oh, really, 6-7, you're putting me in a bad position here. This is too bad, too bad. I must have a time for the pick-up. This is on the logo label. Yeah. And it's a tax-loss production. What does that... Is it the name of the label? It's a tax-loss production. That's the logo label. Yeah. And it's a tax loss production. What is that? Is it the name of the label?

It's a tax loss production. That's the name of the production. Oh, okay. I've got some Wikipedia stuff. Would you like to hear it? Yeah. Car 67 is a pop song by Driver 67 that appeared in the UK singles chart in December 1978. Almost 41 years ago.

Okay. It was written by Paul Phillips and Peter Zorn and was sung by Phillips. The song is a ballad revolving around a cab driver who had split up with his girlfriend the previous day and is now refusing to take a particular pickup at 83 Royal Gardens. The passenger, unbeknownst to the controller, is the woman in question.

The song is arranged as a taxi driver sings the lyrics, interspersed with the voice of the taxi driver. Yeah. The taxi controller has a distinctive West Midlands accent. He certainly does, doesn't he? It was in the singles chart for 12 Reeds and reached number seven in February 1979. That's good, isn't it? It's got some quality to it in that the tune isn't bad and the performance on the instrumentation isn't bad. But it's very much a novelty because you've got the radio effect of the cab controller guy.

So it's got spoken word bits that are him, and it's got the sort of structure of a lot of novelty songs have that kind of story structure. Yeah. It's a novelty song that tries to be a legitimate song at the same time. That's it. It's a kind of in-between, but it's interesting like same time. That's it. It's kind of in between. But it's interesting like that because there was a lot of sort of in between stuff.

Yeah, that's straddled. It's a novelty tune, but it's not like full out comedy novelty. No. It's sort of just a... Riley amusing, if you listen to the lyrics. I don't think it's that bad. It doesn't... No, the B-side's got quite a nice kind of...

And the B-side is an instrumental communications breakdown, which is just sort of a bluegrass-style country. Trucker music. With some picking-style guitar. Paul Phillips, the singer of that song, he's still alive, lives in England. Long story short, he joined a record label, Logo Records, home of the Taurists, who later became... Yeah, this is on Logo.

It's got a nice logo, actually. Wouldn't you say, Paul? Look at the logo of Logo. It's very nice. Quite nice. Fair or nice? Logo was the home of the T the tourists that later became Eurythmics and Street Band with its lead singer, Paul Young.

Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home. It's not there, is it, Paul? No, I live in a bin. So anyway, he made this song and it was a novelty hit. He wanted the song as a single recorded it for 858 850 pound and released it in 1978 it went on to sell nearly half a million copies and orders were coming in for 20 000 copies a day anyway when they couldn't make the delivery meet the delivery you know demands it dropped down to 11 in the charts for seven and he refused to be a one-hit wonder but

bbc radio refused to play the follow-up to his song called Headlights because of its controversial content. A truck driver menaces lone girl on isolated back road. We need to hear that, Paul. If I find it, I'll put it in here. Let's find it. Going down the road in my old pickup And baby's in the back of the truck

I say, baby, give me just one kiss Baby says, no, look I say, baby, there ain't no way to be You know it's not nice Come on, baby, just one little kiss Baby says, no, don't So I say, baby, no know there ain't no way to talk She says, honey, you ain't got no respect

I think we'll get out in one I'm a little baby running down the road Trying to be brave in the night But, honey, you ain't kidding me, no. Because I can pick you up in my headlight. I can see your face in my headlight. I can see your fright in the dead of the night. I'll pick you up in my headlight.

In February 2012, he released his first album of new material in 30 years. The album is called Now That's What I Call Divorce. In February 2012, he released his first album of new material in 30 years. The album is called Now That's What I Call Divorce and chronicles the difficulties in breakup and eventual divorce of his second marriage. Wow. The song covers spousal abuse, binge drinking, depression, insomnia, and breakup. Oh, my word.

He recorded the entire album at his home. And he did a creepy song about a stalky lorry driver. In 2017, he released the album Breathe, reverting to the performer name Driver 67. At the same time, he... Oh, he's kept the Driver 67 name. Yeah. And then he re-released Now That's What I Call Divorce

under a title called Not There Yet, but said it was by Driver 67. So there you go. What an interesting... It's strange, isn't it? Because it does straddle. It's sort of... What's the word?

It's more sophisticated in terms of its music than your average novelty record, isn't it? Yeah. Peter Zorn was an American but came to live in the UK. He was part of a band called Steel Ice Band and the Albion Band. Steel Ice Band are very famous British folk bands.

Oh, I did not know that. All Around My Hat was their hit. Okay. Here's an interesting thing. Oh, no. I thought for a minute that he did the music for Thomas the Tank Engine. But in 1988, Zorn played the saxophone to the theme song of the children's show, Tugs, which is about a bunch of kids whacking each other off in a bin.

Oh, come on. Come on, Paul. It was a Thomas the Tank Engine thing, but about tugboats involved in trains. Oh, really on. Come on, Paul. It was a Thomas Tank and you think, what about tugboats? Oh, really? Yeah. And it was quite,

I remember. We saw a tugboat the other day, didn't we, on the canal? Yeah. Remember that? And the barge.

Oh, yeah. It was a rubbish barge. Yeah, I put the video up on our website, actually. I can put it up separately. So I put it up on our website. It's a good bit of tug action. Yeah.

Isn't it? As in a boat. Yeah. It's a good tug tug tug uh and he still tours every now and then with steel ice man oh he does yeah they i mean they just oh no he doesn't because he died in 2016 okay so he was doing that up until we need to find his creepy band by the bbc record man we really do well as i say i'll drop it in i've already dropped because there's a whole tradition on the Splatter segment of creepy, inappropriate records.

Well, I'll tell you what. That one about my son, you remember that? Yeah. Oh, that was bad. And also, what was that one? Teenage Husband or whatever it's called. Oh, no. The one where it's like,

Oui, Papa. Yeah, that's a deeply troubling song. That is very troubling. And it doesn't surprise you that he then released an album about spousal abuse, drinking, depression. Weird. Why did he think that would The concept is horrible about a man

Threatening a girl in the middle of the night It's like the threatening Tone of it Rather than actually anything happening Well, he, no, come on Gives a kiss, or I'll run you down He explicitly says, I'll give you a kiss, she says no He says that's no way to talk

Gives a kiss, she says no again And she goes, I'm getting out And he's like, I'm going to stalk you in the rain Gizakiz, she says no. He says, that's no way to talk. Gizakiz, she says no again. Yeah. And she goes, I'm getting out. Yeah. And he's like, I'm going to stalk you in the rain. Yeah, I'll have you in my headlights. How about that? That is really disturbing.

I think that's one of the most disturbing songs we've had on the show, Paul. It's just, I mean, well, I mean, yes, but in a very different way. It's taken a very dark turn, this. Let's move on to our next song, then. I feel bad. Let's move on to our next song, then. I feel bad. Let's move on to our next song, then, which should hopefully bring some joy. Well, this song's been accused of being racist, hasn't it?

Oh. Well, I don't know. Let's do the research. Look at these characters. These are crows who are jazz musician crows. Explain first what it is we're about to listen to. The last one is one I picked up in a record shop, I believe. It wasn't a charity shop find.

Oh, no, it was. It was Oxfam. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, for a quid. Fedora. Fedora. By? By Karamba.

Okay, I'm just going to do a bit of research on that now. I believe they are Swedish. All right, one second. Yes, you're right. Karamba is a Swedish music group. They released one self-titled album in 1981 with the single Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot, reaching number one in Sweden.

Number one in Sweden. Now, before we go any further, let's play the track and then we'll go from there, all right? Okay. So here is Fedora. Fedora! Fedora! Fedora! Fedora!

Where's that dog? Mr. Crow, will you save my dog, Fedora? Fedora! No, but I'll be your dog. Hey, Joe, can'll be your dog i'll be your dog. I'll be your dog. Now, here's what I don't understand. People who live in the UK might have heard that and went,

that's the Keora TV advert theme. It wasn't a TV ad. It was a movie ad, wasn't it? No, it was a TV ad. But it also was in the movies. The thing I remember about the Keora ad, which uses that music, is that it was played in the movies from about 1977 to like 1990. Yeah, well, this...

At least a 10-year period. This was early 80s when this song was released. Right. But this is the thing. This comes from an album. Okay, the Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot track was parodied in the UK on a Quaker Harvest Crunch cereal ad with the tagline of Hubba Hubba Yum Yum. I don't remember that off the top of my head. That sounds like something I'd be quite interested in hearing.

Shall I have a look for Hubba Hubba Yum Yum? Well, this is Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot. So this is the original? This is the original. Original song. Ewa-uva satsat! I think this band's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's all gibberish, isn't it? They do gibberish, but it's kind of problematic because it's sort of aping, sort of African-style chanting music.

Do you know what I'm getting at? The track Fido was slightly reworked by Karamba and renamed Fedora and used in the advertising campaign for Kiora in the 1980s. This version was also released as a single on the Bilko label in 83, titled Fedora, I'll Be Your Dog. I don't get it.

Read that again. The track Fido was the original version of this track. But that was also by Karamba and it was on that album. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And then they re-released it as Fedora to coincide with Kiora advert.

But this is Fedora, not Kiora. Because in the advert they say, Kiora, kiora, kiora, kiora. Which makes no sense now, because of the whole I'll be your dog thing. So that's why they added the dog into the animation. Yeah. Because now the song must have been leading. So do we think this version that I'm holding, which is the Bilko release,

this would have come out after the advertising campaign? But isn't it strange? Because you'd think it would be tied in with the product but this isn't because they've changed it to fedora it's not about the kiora advert at all but later on like with the red car and the blue car having a race yes but that was straight from the ad yeah but if it gets yeah but do you know what i mean why isn't this licensed why wasn't this licensed to be kiora the kiora record do you see what i mean? Why isn't this licensed? Why wasn't this licensed to be Kiora, the Kiora record? Do you see what I mean? But they've used the characters from the ad on the artwork. It's strange, isn't it?

Yeah, it is strange. But what's probably happened is... They changed it to Fedora. No, well, here's what's probably happened is... It was called Fido. The song Fido, which explains... Which is a dog, yeah. Which explains the I'll be your dog thing.

Dog's name, yeah. It's the idea of this guy saying, I'll replace your dog. Yeah. Or I'll be your dog. Because what makes this song awkward is that in the advert, it's a reasonably innocent but still very racist interpretation of,

is it what, Caribbean black people? Yes. But it's their crows. And that's also problematic. Are they crows? Yeah, look. Oh, they are. They're all crows.

Well, the main kid who's carrying the bindle in the advert who, you know, goes, I'll be your dog. He's like a hobo. He's got a bindle. Yeah, but he's got that kind of 1930s black stereotype drawing, where it's very shiny. But also, crows as black musicians is problematic.

It's like the Dumbo thing. Oh, there's an article here from a website called covermercials.com. Keora versus Karamba. Fedora. I'm interested in this. Right. Kiora versus Karamba. Fedora. I'm interested in this. Right, I'll just read it out. The track is possibly the first case of an artist reworking their own song as an advert. In 1981, Karamba released their only ever album.

On it was a track called Fido, which is rather unique. They later tweaked the version for this classic Kiora advert. As if that was not enough, a single then arose in 1983 entitled Fedora. This is the one I have in myora, I'll Be Your Dog, which was full-length rework based around the advertising campaign. Weird, isn't it? Sadly, one of the dogs that was recorded on the free renditions

became so tired of performing the track that it incredibly lost its voice during the final session, and was only ever heard whimpering from that day forward. That's not true. I don't think that's true. Because the dog noises are like primitive keyboard yeah dog aren't they like in that other track yeah what was that true and i had that was my super dog you remember super dog yeah super dog well we used to use that no we used to use that as the opening to the theme have we done it on

have we covered it on the uh it used to be well yeah no we must have use that as the opening to the theme song for the podcast. Have we covered it on the splatters? Yeah, it used to be. Well, yeah, no, we must have. In one of the early ones. We used to do it on clickables. But that uses the same dog bark on a synthesizer, an early MIDI synthesizer. I think they're the ones that do that. Yeah.

Kia ora. So it's got this taint of insensitive racial appearance. That's definitely there. But to a generation of us, that advert and that song are indelibly tied together. Indelibly. Indelibly tied together.

Marked in my brain. It's part of the experience of going to the cinema as a child. Seeing those adverts. It's that particular ad. Yeah. And also the way the ad seemed to carry on

even after it was over. Yeah. You see me, they keep walking along and it's got that sort of almost like an infinite loop thing, which I loved about it. It's an odd song, but also the B-side

is demented. Let's play a little bit of that now. The B-side. Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Mwadonna? Hehehehehe! Ahem, was he moving?

Hehehehehe! Evans, Louvans, da da da! Hehehehehe! Пути, пути, никто! What's the B-side called now that we've scared them? It's called Ralph and Rolf. I don't know what the fuck's going on in that song. One's big and one's a little one and they're having a laugh. Or a cry. I think we should do something like, we should cover that. This podcast is that song.

In fact, if anything, that song represents this podcast better than any other fucking song we've played. Isn't it weird? Yeah. It really has a cheap show vibe. I'm Ralph and you're Rolf. Whatever, we can, yeah. That, yeah. Yeah.

What kind of music were they making? What kind of music were they making? I don't know. It sounds like experimental music. It's very strange. Elektra thing. I don't know. It's definitely using synthesizers, isn't it?

This sort of up-to-date sort of technology of the time, I'm sure. Midis. It just says pop music comedy. Yeah, that's what it is. So they must have had a very strange album. Interesting. And it's a shame that it is sort of using that racism. The whole album was recorded in nonsense

language. Songs which imitate certain regional styles of music generally imitate the phonemic structure of languages from the appropriate regions. Yeah, and that's kind of in this day and age, that's not so appropriate. Produced by Michael B. Trito, who was famous for engineering the ABBA records.

Ah, yeah, because Sweden was obviously a huge pop powerhouse. I've never seen anything else on this label, Bilko. No. Well, that was The Splatter's Over. You know what? What would be your favourite of the three, Paul? I don't know. Just to reassure you, you had the Disco Sound of Music.

Plop. Car 67 by Driver 67. Yeah, that guy's got a whole load of problems. That Headlights tune is really menacing. Yeah, and I don't think I want to listen to that Divorce album as a result. No, I really don't. And then Keora Drive.

And then the Keora Drive. I mean, look, Splat or Plat? Interesting. Splat or Plat, all right? First one The song Of music

Disco sound of music Plat Splat What's bad and what's good Splat is bad Plat is good Okay The second one

It's a Splat for me then The second one is a Plat The Driver 67 No no I like the song But I hate whoever he is Yeah I know he's really sullied it

I would have given it a plat, but after hearing his second record, I have to sort of dismiss that. Yeah, let's go splat. Yeah. Yeah. And then finally... It's a plat for me.

It's a plat for me. It's a plat for Karamba. I'm too... I'm fond of it. I'm the nostalgia of Bubbles. It's that noise. That... It's that noise.

I like that. Anyway, that's been the plat. And for the B-side alone. It's that noise I like. Keora. A boogie woogie woogie woogie. That's boogie woogie. Anyway, that's been the platters. And for the B-side alone. That's been the platters this week. Don't try and shut me down. I'm doing it though. And I've done it.

Alright. I'm in. Come follow me, dear boy. Why are you making that noise? Because you're coming through the orifice. What orifice? Hang on. What?

Now I've got to get closer to the mic, do I? No, I just had your volume down while you were singing as Fat Sal before. Well, of course you did. Yeah. Well, you need to tell me. Yeah, for the mic technique to get better. Is it Gas Gold Coast time? Yeah, but now I've pulled you into the Gannon's Golden Games womb. Ooh.

Not room. Womb. It's a fully created womb I've built. I like it. And it's warm and it's wet and it's fleshy and... It's got veiny walls. It's got very veiny walls and they postulate. The mucal wall membrane.

And the blood that seeps through this womb is dice. It doesn't seep through the womb. It's from the blood vessels in the womb. And I am the baby in the womb delivering board games. You are. I can see you've got your little umbilical cord there. And I queef out my board gifts. You queef.

Now you're getting sexist. Why is it sexist to say queef? We're in a womb. You're queefing. I'm queefing the board games out of the... Out of what? Your vagina? You don't have a vagina, Paul.

Queefs come out vaginas. The metaphorical lady game. That's it. We've hit a new low. I'm saying queefs come out vaginas. They do, though. Yeah, so how can you queef it out? I'm not.

You mean it's going to go out the hole at the end here? The end that I built at the end. That's the vagina hole, is it? Yeah, and it's a metaphorical birthing of the board games. Are we through the looking glass vagina here? Yes, we're through the looking hymen. No, I mean, what I said was better. It wasn't, though, because yours was just a gibbering nonsense.

No, it wasn't. It's a game, it's a game, it's a game, it's a game. It's been working on the song, Paul. It's a game, it's a game, it's a game, it's a game, it's a game. No, now it's much more mellow. Ganon's Golden Games is in the womb, a womb safe space. What about this? It's a game, it's a game, it's a game, it's a game, it's a game.

Oh, it's a game, it's a game, it's a game. Fucking hell, shut up. I'm not going to shut up today. I won't do it today. I'm sweating. Why don't you take a seat in the game womb and just relax on the nice seating. I'm sweating out like a dog. Like a dog. So, Eli is once again poorly and once again ill

in this hastily thrown together recorded section, tacked on to the episode we've recorded a few weeks ago. Oh, here we fucking go. How can I get a sympathy? I hurt my arm. Doesn't someone who's hurt their arm deserve sympathy? Look at that fucking wreckage. Just so you know, he had to lean away from the microphone

and do a violent burbly burp into a bit of Pret-a-Manger tissue. What are we going to do on Ganon's Golden Games today? Well, in the game womb today, we're playing a game that is based on a TV show. But you know what? I've never fucking seen it. You've never seen it? We've come close before with like five golden rings with Philip Schofield that we did on the Twitch stream. I've never seen that either. You've never seen it? We've come close before with like Five Golden Rings with Philip Schofield that we did on the Twitch stream.

I've never seen that either. I've never seen it on TV. Well, no one watches telly anymore, do they? Paul, I'm sweating. Yeah, you know, you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards. You are looking rough as fuck. I hurt my arm. You know what you look like?

You look like when someone finds in a charity shop bin an old troll from the 1970s with muck on its face and matted hair and it's grotty and you can't rub that belly to make a wish anymore. What's the point? You can. Can I rub your belly and make a wish? No, you can make a wish and think about rubbing my belly and then we'll talk business. What if my wish is to rub your belly? Business time. Right, let's talk. No, it's not business time. It's business time. Talking business time. Alright,, what's the parameters of me being able to rub your tummy? You have to put money on the table.

All right, so... I'll put down my bank card wallet on the table. How much? What? I'm just... The full account. The full account. I'll just take that and I'll put it on the reader and then we go.

We just charge you at the end of the night. All right, okay. All right, yeah, I like this. Yeah? And how long do I rub your tummy for? I only... Do I have to buy drinks? Yeah. Yeah? Everything's an hourly fee. All right, yeah, I like this. Yeah? And how long do I rub your tummy for? Do I have to buy drinks? Yeah. Yeah?

Everything goes on the card. All right, so what if I don't want to pay £4 for a tin of Coke? Doesn't matter. That's how much it costs you. I want to rub your belly. You never will. Come on, I'll rub your belly. You never will.

I'll pay good money to rub this belly. And what? Is that what you used to do with those troll things with the hair? What, take them to a strip club and pay them for the night? No, no. You, listen. Yeah? As in Trolls the Movie. Yeah. Is that what you used to do with those troll things with the hair? What, take them to a strip club and pay them for the night? No. You, listen. Yeah.

As in Trolls the movie. Yeah. Those trolls, those toys. As in those trolls. Yeah. Did you have to rub their bellies? Well, the myth was you could rub their belly and make a wish. Well, not the myth.

Was that the marketing from the toys? Thank God. Let me find out. Troll belly rubbing. Well, yeah, they had a jewel in their belly. Ah. Yeah, they had a jewel in their belly, and you could make a wish.

Mine was red, says someone on Pinterest. Okay, but then they had lots of other toys that were sort of derivative, like smaller ones, key chain... Key chain chain, yeah. Carol Keating's chain. Key chain ones. Make a wish. They didn't have anything on their bellies, did they? I don't know.

Just says here, make a wish rubbing their tummy and stroking their hair. I guess, maybe. So we're playing this game. Yeah, what's the game then? And it's based on a TV show I've never heard of, but it's called Very British Problems. And I think it was one of those shows where... Who hosted it? Sam Kant, probably.

I think it's one of these shows like Grumpy Old Men and Grumpy Old Women. One of these ones where... It's like... No, but is it a panel? Was it a game show? No, I think it was a show

where it was like talking heads going, oh, you're being British. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know when you see a towel on a beach and you go, oh, I'm being British. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the idea behind this game is that ultimately you get... It was like one of those Mr and Mrs games where you vote and everyone guesses if your vote matches the answer. It's not very interesting, but I thought we'd play it to see what very British is. We'll just have a little look.

We'll just have a little look. We'll just have a little look based on what this game is. So you're saying it was just one of those terrible clip shows with lots of, you know, what they call talking head interviews. Yeah, Vox Pops-y things. That, but that was made into a sort of board game. If it's made into a board game, isn't the show usually a game show of some sort?

Think about it. Dragon's Den was a board game, and that really isn't a game show. Okay, that, yes, but it was a game. It was a competition of some sort. Do you see what I mean? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't just a bunch of people going, oh, white dog shit. All right, but then by that logic, think about all the sitcom board games

that came out in the 70s, like, you know, on the buses. Really? Yeah, and Ain't Half Hot Mum. Okay. And Bread, and Only Thoughts of Horses. Well, that's what I mean.

I've never heard of a game, a board game coming from one of those clip shows specifically. Oh, I bet there's a Grumpy Old Men. Really? I bet there's a Grumpy Old Men. I hate looking at my phone. Look at your phone. What I'm meant to be looking for?

My brain just went blank. Grumpy Old Men. Grumpy. Board game. Old Men. Or Mock the Week, even. Game. No, but there's a website called Board Games for Grumpy Old Men.

It's bullshit, mate. And then Grumpy Old Men UK looking for the clan. What does that fucking mean? Anyway, we're going to play this. Right, I'm ready to play. So to give you an example, there are four categories. Work, abroad, out and about, home.

And the overall gist is, is that I'll read, for example, from abroad, a situation, and you being British, how do you react to it? Okay. So I'll give you an example. I'm British, you know, Paul.

I am British. Yes, I know. You know that? Very aware. Although your family are not, are they? I'm first generation British. So no one else in your family can be classed as British. Well, my brothers and sisters, but they've lived in America for several years now.

Were they born in the UK? Are you the oldest of your family? Yes. Oh. And ugliest. Fuck off. You haven't met my brothers. Take that back. Yes, I am the ugliest. Yeah, there you go. Yes, I am. You see that?

Oh, you cunt. I was getting drunk with my family, right? On holiday, recently. And they all went, what an ugly cunt you are. No, because in my family, me and my sister, Jenny, who are the first two. Yeah. Look similar. We're both short, stout and have suffered from depression.

No. Okay. I said to her, we're the ugly, depressive ones, Jenny. Like that. Did she storm out the pub? No. She put up with that for me. Thanks, Jenny.

Yeah. How much younger is she than you? By a couple of years? Like two or three? Two years. Two years. So she's my age? Yes.

Oh, there you go. Right, while snorkelling, you come face... I'm going to have to talk to you outside the podcast. No, you can't. The podcast is... It's hermetically seen when we're in the womb. No, it's not. God, it's hot in here.

Is it hot in here? No, it's just you're out of shape. But you are visibly sweating. Shut up. Can I give you an example? It's not funny. Wow, Stalker. This, I'm unwell, you cunt.

You're unwell because of your own actions have led you to feel like this? Your arm hurt because you were drunk and couldn't walk in a straight line? You're feeling shitty and sweaty right now because you drank too much last night during your... I didn't drink last night. What did you do then? Nothing. I stayed and looked after myself. At home?

Yeah. All night? Yeah. With some and looked after myself. At home? Yeah. All night? Yeah. With some takeaway food? No. Not late? Yeah? No, I made some spaghetti and salad.

So don't fucking come the high and mighty come with me. Now give me the fucking first question, you cunt. It's not. I'm giving you an example. Oh. You sickly, dirty hobbit. Fuck you. While snorkelling...

Look at that shirt doesn't go with your complexion. Is that what you've got now? No, it doesn't, Paul. I'm not happy wearing this shirt either. Good. I'm glad we're both unhappy with this shirt. It was the only thing clean I could put on. Throw it out so it never happens again.

No, why don't you throw out everything you wear? Because everything you wear makes you look like Dexys Midnight Runners. Fuck off. Right, here's a sample. Have you seen? Have you noticed there's new... Fucking hell, I just want to start this game. Have you seen Giacomo?

There's new Giacomo. I mean, just this. Have you seen the new Giacomo? No, I've not. There's a new wave of Giacomo. Yeah? You don't look like it anymore. No, that's great, innit?

This is Giacomo circa fucking 2012. Right, anyway. Here's an example to give you, to get an idea of what you're up against, right? Yeah. While snorkelling, you come face to face with a great white shark. Being British, do you...

And then you go, what would I do? And then the answer in this instance is punch him weakly in the nose, apologise and get chomped to bits. How was I meant to? Isn't there multiple choice? I'm just trying to get close to that answer. Yeah. This is shit.

Or come up with your own that I like and if you do, I'll give you a point. This isn't even a game. This is bullshit. Because when you play it with a bunch of people, like with friends. Then what? Everyone votes on who had the best answer. Everyone writes their answer down secretly. What the answer is most British, is it? Yeah. Are you ready? So that was the shark one and what? That was meant

to be funny, that response, was it? Yeah, very witty. Because, you know, Britain... This is the thing, right? We can be Trump to bits, isn't it? Britain, we can stand alone, Brexit, make it happen, we'll be a force. These cards tell you a completely different thing about this country.

How we're shit, yeah. How we're shit and meek and we always apologise and awkward and we don't like confrontation. Yeah. What would you like, out and about, home, abroad, or work? Work. Let's start with work. All right. And then you could take a pint. I about, home, abroad, or work? Work. Let's start with work. All right.

And then you could take a part. I'll have one for you, will I? Right, here we go. It's me. Oh. You work as a doctor, all right? You work as a doctor. Snip, snip, snip.

And one day, a patient claims they fell over in the kitchen. Plaster, plaster, plaster. Snip, snip, snip. Yes. Hello, nurse. Hello. Oh, God. Give us a Johnny. Up. A Johnny Hello, nurse. Hello. Oh, God.

Give us a Johnny. A Johnny. What do you want a Johnny for? I never get time to leave the office, so I'm going to wank into it, have a little posh wank, put it in the bin, snip, snip, snip. I'm a doctor. You're a dirty doctor.

Right, here's the question. Yes. You work as a doctor, and one day... I do. I work very hard. A patient claims they fell over in the kitchen and a large carrot got lodged up their bottom. Being British, do you... So what do you do, being British?

I say, I understand that. I'm a professional person and I understand that. And, yes, I've seen injuries... Let's role play it. I've seen injuries... You're the doctor. OK. Your four o'clock's turned up, Dr Silverman.

Send her in. Send him in. Whatever. Send them up, Dr Silverman. Send her in. Send him in. Whatever. Send them in. Him. Him. Send him in. Oh.

Oh. So what appears to be the matter? You don't mind if I stand, do you, Doctor? No. I can see you've got a huge carrot lodged up your arse. Oh, I fell over in the kitchen. Right, I'm British, so what I'm going to do is eat it out. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh'm going to do is eat it out. Oh! Mind if I felt you with my tongue? How long before you do that sound effect? That is terrible. You know what I like about that? You ate British. That's what I like about it. Was it British though? It was a British carrot. That carrot I just ate out of your

nipsy. Yes, it was a British carrot. Was it? Yes. Why? Are you some kind of farmer? I'm proud to insert British into me. Alright, good. Don't do it again. Right, thank you, Doctor. Oh, I'll just... Oh, Doctor, I've fallen over again. What have you got up there now? A fucking eggplant.

Good, I like that. There we go. Fucking slice it. Put some salt on it. Prepare it for me. There's a courgette up there. A courgette you won't forget. That's good with garlic. The answer it says here Tell them tinned peas are a lot safer.

Who wrote this? I don't fucking know. It's fucking bad news, mate. I will have Which one will you have? What's that one? Whatever that one is. I'll have green. It says in the corner, bottom left. This is out and about. Out and about.

Alright, and there's two on each card, is there? Yeah, but pick one you think is either funnier or better, question. No rush, mate. Just fucking... Just, you know, no rush. We've only got the place for another hour. Just do shit. Go on.

This is Ganon's fucking Grim Games. Do you want to pick another card, then? Oh, you've messed your mic up now. It'll be fine. It won't. How's that? All right. All right.

Here we go. You ready? Yes. After waving to someone on the opposite side of the road, you realised they were acknowledging the person behind you. To save face, being British, you... Well, being British, what I'd do is probably say to the person who's waving, look at me.

And then they won't because they'll look at the person and go, look at me. Look at me. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah, I'm looking at you now. You look at me. Look at this won't because I look at the business owner, look at me. Look at me. Yeah. Look at me. Yeah, I'm looking at you now. You look at me. Look at this. I don't know you.

I know the person behind you. Yeah, you look at me now, but look at this. Look at this. Look at what? Look at that. Oh, that's quite nice. Doesn't it make you sad?

It makes me sad and happy. It does, doesn't it? It's a strange mixture of emotions. It's all knobbly, isn't it? It's a bit like when you eat asparagus. Look at this. Yeah, it looks like asparagus. I'm going to rub it on your friend's leg. It's like the end of emotions. It's all knobbly, isn't it? It's a bit like when you eat asparagus. Look at this. Yeah, it looks like asparagus. I'm going to rub it on your friend's leg.

You know, it's like the end of a knobby asparagus. I'm going to rub it on your friend's leg now. Does that noise it makes? It does. Oh, Paul, I don't want to play this anymore. Come on. That's what I would do being British. I would get my wang out and say, now look at this.

And the answer was... Yes, I'm very proud of myself for that answer. Pretend you're wafting a fly away from your face. Oh, well then, by that logic, you can just go, oh, I've done a massive fart and I've shat it. Sorry, that was really embarrassing, but I've actually

shat everything out. This game is substandard even for our level, mate. Come on, what next? Well, I don't care. Let's do the blue pile. At home You notice someone in your house opposite has a telescope set up Pointing directly into your bedroom Yeah

Being British, what do you do? You see a telescope I'm peeking at you Oh, what's he doing? Oh, what's he doing in there? Oh, he's coming in He's coming in the bedroom I go

I close the curtains Oh, he's closed the curtains I go downstairs I come across Across the curtains. Oh, he's closed the curtains. I go downstairs. Yeah. I come across the road. Yeah. Coming across the road. Yeah.

Ring, ring. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Ring, ring, ring. On the doorbell. Oh, shit. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Put the telescope away. Come down here, you fucking pervert.

Put it away. I've already knocked on the door. I know. Why'd you do that? I don't know. You've been doing that in our sketches recently, Paul. Knocking on doors. You've been knocking on doors to leave them.

Right. No, I knocked on the door. All right. Eee. Hello, Mr. Silverman. How are you? Oh, you know my name as well, do you? Yeah, because we do a podcast together.

We just happen to live next door. Oh, you live across the street, do you? Yeah. Well, this is a funny little set-up, isn't it? Yeah. Stop filming me and putting your telescope across me. I don't film you. I just stare into your room.

Well, don't. Please. No. Why not? I need to know your movements. Why? Police. This isn't working, Paul.

This isn't working. You know what I do? You know what I do? What? Goatsy. Goatsy? I do goatsy. What's goatsy?

It's when you bend over and you pull your bum cheeks apart as wide as you can. Isn't that mooning? Some kind of mooning? No, mooning is when you just get your bum out. Goatsy is when your hands are pulling it all apart and really stretching it out so you can see the whole of the moon. Right. The hole of the moon.

Oh, God. You know I'm going to leave that in. No, don't leave it in. Stop tapping the table as well. Don't leave that in. Right. Please don't. I can't fart on every episode. Well, then stop farting when we record because you can hold it in. You't leave that in. Right. Please don't. I can't fart on every episode.

Well, then stop farting when we record, because you can hold it in. You can if you want. And it stinks. And it's got a real spice to it, that one. I feel very unwell. Right, the answer was... The answer is, buy some nicer pants. This doesn't even have any point to it.

Let's do it abroad. Let's do it abroad. Abroad. Let's do abroad. Right. You're whooshing down a water slide at top speed when suddenly you jam up against a large gentleman who's become stuck in the pipe. Being British, what do you do?

So you're going down a water slide tunnel. Whee! And then zonk. Sorry. I'm sorry. This is embarrassing for me. It's quite embarrassing for me. I shouldn't have come down this Sorry. I'm sorry. It's embarrassing for me. It's quite embarrassing for me. I shouldn't have come down this tunnel.

I apologise. You're overweight, aren't you? I've caused a health and safety issue to transpire. I hope we don't die. Well, we'll see. I believe they're sending people to... Shonk! Oh, there's another person behind us.

Oh, there's another person. Yeah, that's banged into me. Hello. Hello. Oh, hello. Okay, you've got that voice, do you? Yeah, I've got that. I'm stuck.

Is there a stuck A shunk Is there a shunk Oh there's another one A shunk Shunk Oh who's this one now Hello I'm a little You smart and wuss

Why are you doing that Stop it I can't play this game It's I feel so Make your fucking effort Alright Stunk

Oh hello We're all stuck here You know what Don't make an effort I can't play this game. It's... Make your fucking effort. All right. Stonk. Oh, hello. We're all stuck here. You know what? Don't make an effort. Don't bother. I'm going to do one more card for you, and then we're going to get out of here. I don't like this game, Paul.

I tell you that. Well, you're not playing it, are you? Because you're too busy complaining about your ill health. I'll read it to you. You do it. You start a scenario. All right, go on, then. Fuck's sake.

I'll have one of those cards. Come on. While in the cellar... Yeah?, you discover a rare bottle of wine. Oh! Worth in the region of 500,000 pounds. Shit. Being British, you... This sucks so hard.

Being British, I... This sucks poo down a pipe hole. Being British, I, I don't know, take it to a wine dealer and make a lot of money. What does it say? Use one of the fancy glasses. What does that mean? What on earth does that mean?

Of course you're not going to drink it. Half a mil? How much is it worth again? Half a million pounds. You don't drink it. I don't care what nationality you are. You don't drink it. Try another one.

It's Valentine's Day. You arrive at your desk to discover a red rose on a card from a secret admirer which says, I've always loved you. Being British, do you? What? What do you do? I look around, see who's looking at me. Is anyone looking at me?

Oh, there's someone waving. It must be her. Well, perhaps I'll start dating her. Got to clean up my room first. Before she comes back. Her language skills are quite limited. Right, yeah. I love you too.

I'm not saying I've always loved you, but it's good. It's good that you're into it. I'm not that then. I'm Jimmy Savile. I tricked you. I did. I into it. I'm not that then. I'm Jimmy Savile. I tricked you. I did. I tricked you. I was not that then. Now that's British. No, please. This game sucks.

It has to stop. It sucks arsehole out. See, the thing is I just read it and I go, God, it's depressing. It's just one of these games that's meant to start a conversation when... Is that what it is? It's meant to lead to hilarity, meant to start a conversation. Is that what it is? It's lead to hilarity, doesn't it? Yeah. You just walk through a doorway, but the stranger following you is not quite there yet.

Being British, what do you do? Hold the door open. You fucking twat. Right, let's get out the womb. Let's get out this womb. You can go first. I've got to force you through the tight flap at the back. I like this.

It's my favourite bit. All right, here we go. I'm just going to push you a little bit. Are you going to put any grease on me? So put your head against... Are you going to grease me up in any way? Let's grease you up. Oh, God, don't do the flapping mouth noise.

This is me groping you up. No, groping me up? This is me oiling you up. Mopping me up? Right, push, push, push, push. Make a fucking effort. This is the thing. Push, push, push.

You're going to go. Right, you're through. I'm crowning. Oh, that, push. Make a fucking effort. This is the thing. Push, push, push. You got to go. Right, he's through. Oh, that was good. Right, he's through. Now I'm going through. So let's go back to the house of pickles and we'll see you there outside the gay womb. Smells of cunts in here.

Paul. Paul. Paul Paul don't leave that fart in do you want to fart or anything while you're at it burp fart sniff moan

whimper anything else you want to do ladies and gentlemen thank you for listening to Cheap Show. You've made it through. You've made it through. Well done. Congratulations.

Give yourselves a round of applause. Well done. Well done. Well done. Well done, everybody. Thank you. If you enjoyed what we do and you'd like to think about supporting us, why not go along to our Patreon page and have a look around,

see if you like the idea, and donate as little or as much as you like. It is patreon.com forward slash cheap show and we do pods and mags and little videos and all kinds of little trinkets I grease my beard up

and you do I grease it right up you grease it right up grease to the max I get it all scrunchy scrunchy wunchy I get it all scrunchy you get it all flibbly

blobbly no not flibbly blobbly you get bibbly biggily bobbly no stop it why does everything have to degenerate to nonsense with you?

I get it all scrunchy. Slipple, slibble, slibble. Right, good. If you want to email the show about anything... Can we stop doing this now? Yes, please do. In general. If you want to email us about anything,

thecheapshowatgmail.com is where you need to send stuff to. We have a PO box that's on our website, which you can go to, which has pictures and videos. Where's the website, though? www.thecheapshow.co.uk. We're on Reddit. We're on Instagram.

We're on Facebook. I only just realised today, Paul. Yeah. Reddit. It's like I've read it. That's where it comes from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't realise.

Give yourself a round of applause. Thank you. And we're on Twitch we do it intermittently as and when we feel like

but if you do want to follow us or see the videos go to or look for Cheap Show Etc ETC

because apparently Cheap Show is already taken on fucking Twitch oh it's Cheap Show Etc

yeah couldn't think of anything else to call it should have just called it Cheap Show Show

should have called it the Cheap Show Stream. Yeah, maybe. But anyway, it doesn't matter. That's how you find us. And the source report will be back. The source report will not be back, ever. You didn't know it, but when I said,

could you give me what, could you, ah, it's not going to work. So, yeah, no, we're just not doing it. Wow. And Herman the German... We're failing. That was the best bit, I thought. ...has left the building.

He is done for. He is never coming back. Why? Uncle Grumpy comes back literally every 20 minutes. But he's accepting, and he's not a hate monger, unlike all your characters, which spouts some actually heinous stuff that I'm beginning to wonder are your actual opinions on things.

What? I'm just putting it out there. Deep psychological fear of fish. I can gaslight you too, you prick. Whoa! Anyway. Gee.

That's it for another week. I don't know. Another spunky week of cheap show joy. Join us next week. Oh, look. What? My mic's giving up. Oh. I don't know another spunky week of Cheap Show Joy join us next week oh look what my mic's given up

his mic is drooping he's got a proper droop on it come here haven't said what my Twitter name is have I oh yeah

mine's at Paul Gannon Show the Cheap Show is at the Cheap Show Pod and you are Eli Snoyd E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D come and follow us

come and say hello come and say hello come and say hello right now Eli let's go and get ready for Twitch tonight

which by the time this episode goes out will be weeks ago the mysteries of scheduling okay right take my hand

this has been a good podcast take him out of your face and that to me is a boon and I'm going to give you that you gave me the sex finger? That always makes me happy. Give me the sex finger.

I'll give you the sex finger. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it. you