CheapShow - Ep 161: Sex Eggs & Sausage Squash

Episode Date: January 17, 2020

The truth can now be revealed, one that Eli has been hiding for far too long. What is it? Well, let's just say you won't be able to look at Breakfast the same way ever again. CheapShow returns for its first proper new episode of 2020 and it's packed with all the usual mad, engrossing, unusual and occasionally informative larks. Paul's takes us to his new pizzeria this week to test some cheap frozen pizza in "Off Brand Brand Off", Eli tosses off a Price of Shite and we get two very opposing tales of woe and wonder on the dance floor. It's a packed show, so get comfy, you're going in! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-161-sex-eggs-sausage-squash If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

One, two, one, two, three, four. Ooh, baby, baby, it's my knobble. It's hard to remember. Shut up. Three seconds in. Can we start properly? This is us starting properly. It's not a proper...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a public service announcement. Announcements. And an announcement as well. Anointment. Anointment. This is a public service announcement and an announcement as well. Anointment. Anointment. This is a public service anointment. Anointy-nointy. This is a public service anointment.

Oh, baby, baby, it's my nub hole. Biddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-dum. I pissed out a little bit of poop juice. Poop juice. Poop juice, everyone. Can we just do something normal, please? Can we? I wanted to put out

a public service announcement. Okay, I'm ready for that. And that is, Eli Silverman needs love because we were going to record in the House of Pickles

as per usual, but we're also doing a Twitch tonight and we've basically come back to the House of Sausage and Mash. Is it? The House of Mash.

I thought it was ham and eggs. House of eggs. No, I mean, there are eggs, but I consider it house of mash now. Anyway, we're here today because Eli's room has spread into the flat to the point where when I walked in today, there was a part of his dirty boxer shorts in the kitchen. Yeah. In the kitchen.

Listen, man. So you came in in just your underpants, and at some point in the day, you took your undies off in the kitchen listen man so you came in in just your underpants and at some point in the day you took your undies off in your kitchen and then went that'll do

I'll leave them there listen so you need someone in your life to love and help you get ship shape mate because this is

maybe you do as well maybe you need more love because I've got loads of love you're not feeling the funk no I can smell the funk. I'm the master.

Yes. I'm spreading my funk all over the place. Oh, almost had it. Almost had it. I did a spit take, which is no good on radio or podcasts. Listen, mate. I'm rolling with heavy funk on all cylinders, pumping out fucking pure groove. I'm rolling with heavy funk on all cylinders, pumping out fucking pure groove.

Have you ever seen that segment of Creepshow where Stephen King, playing that hick, touches the asteroid? I have seen that, yes. And little by little, the green moss overtakes him and then his house. Yes. That's your room. That's you and your room. All right. There's literally a trail of filth and clothes and records and food that comes out of the front door of the House of Pickles, winds its way down the corridor into the kitchen-stroke living room

and spreads up onto the couch. It'd be nice if we had a stop-motion animation of it. You could see it all flowing, the underpant flow. Next time you're left alone. What it is, it's Mount Gropp pants. You know, it suffers from subsidence and then there's an eruption of that's what those pants are if we're talking if we're talking in terms of geographical uh geological yeah activity yeah which is what it is which is

what we're talking about those pants were spewed out in a lava pew welcome to cheap show i hate you and your fucking noodle posse Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. fucking accept Tee show Off-brand brand off-brand brand off Cheep cheep cheep cheep

Tee show It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Yeah, it's gross. It's just gross.

What the fuck is that noise? What is the noise? I think it's the brakes on a van or a bus. That's terrible. I know. I don't think it will the brakes on a van or a bus. That's terrible. I know. I don't think it'll pick up on this, though. Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the House of Pickles today, so... No, we're not.

No, we're not. We're in the House of Mash. Come on, mate. We've been... Literally, we're just discussing where we were. You forgot where we were. I just... I'm so used to saying House of Pickles.

You know what I mean? It's just that... This rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? That new memetic... Pickles in your tongue. Yeah. Oh, I've got a present for you. Oh, that's just that. This rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? That new memetic. Pickles in your tongue. Yeah. Oh, I've got a present for you. Oh, that's a surprise.

I think it came in one of the PO boxes. Oh, lovely. And I can't remember who sent it now. I do apologise. Is it pickles? Pickles related? No, mate. Come on.

It's not. It's not. Noodles. It might be pickle. Is it a poultice? It might be pickle adjacent. I'm yet to see. It's pickle adjacent.

It's pickle adjacent. Right, bear with me. Pickle poultice would be the ultimate, obviously. But, you know. He's handing it to see. It's pickle adjacent. It's pickle adjacent. Right, bear with me. Pickle poultice would be the ultimate, obviously, but you know. He's handing it to me. It's an eraser. Oh, it's a good one. Ice creams. Yeah, I presume it's...

That's going to go on my wall. Yeah. I've got a picnic one of this in the same brand, I believe. Yeah. Or similar, which is the format is mint on card. Mint on card. It's in very good condition. It's a card.

And then it has an ice cream sundae, like a banana split. A razor dessert, aren't they? Although I don't know. That looks more like a kind of dip, like hummus, that other one in the bowl. Yeah. It looks like it could be a savoury. Yeah. Could be a savoury.

It could be. And then what else? There's a gelato dish, and then that's got a little hook on it that you can put, obviously, different items slot into that. Do you see? What's that one, the brown one? That is... Because I don't know, it's got a stick on it. That is a weird-looking thing, isn't it?

Is it squid? Is it a squiddy stick? I don't know. It's sort of fluked, sort of like a tail fluke thing, doesn't it? You know what? Every now and then you'll pull out a word that I'll be like, yeah, I love that. And fluked is my new favourite.

Fluked means lucked out. Yeah, does it? Fluked. A fluke. Fluked. You know, a fluke is a lucky happening. Oh yeah,

I've seen it as F-L-O-O-K. But I believe a fluke is also how you describe the tails on whales and stuff. Those up and down tails that whales have. Okay, great. I think, I don't know, I might be wrong.

Don't I? I want to have a look. I want to read the back. Description, item, novelty erasers, material, TPR. This item is a novelty stationery, not a toy, not suitable for consumption. What does that mean, me fucking mean? Do you know what I mean? What, you can't pretend that that's don't pretend it's a

small ice cream whatever you do. Mate have you seen the random shit? I could use that as a toy I'll do it now. No wait before give me one second

I have to say this before I pass you this item. There's nondescript images on the back of like horses and sweets and things. What I love most about it

is the random writing so there's an owl and underneath it says a lovely owl. There's an owl and underneath it says a lovely owl. Look at that. It is a lovely owl, isn't it? I really need to know what this lollipop squid thing is.

Well, there'll be pictures taken of this item. Someone tell us. It might be a Japanese food item maybe. Do you think it's a Japanese product? It's made in China in fact. It'll be on our Instagram or the website Cheap Show the Cheap Show

Happy Day and Happy Fancy Happy Day and Happy Fancy that's what they say that's our new motto for 2020 ladies and gentlemen Happy Day Happy Fancy

not a toy not a toy what about this oh I'm having a little tea party oh would you like some cake Mr Gannon

yes I'd like some cake please there you go oh it's a toy don't put it in your mouth because we're using it as a toy oh it's a toy party. Ooh. Would you like some cake, Mr. Gannon? Yes, I'd like some cake, please. There you go. I want a toy in your mouth. Don't put it in your mouth because we're using it as a toy. I want a toy. Why are you doing that,

boys? So, welcome to Cheap Show, Ladies and Gentlemen. Yeah, I used it as a toy. Welcome to Cheap Show, Ladies and Gentlemen. The Economy Comedy Podcast where we go through

the bargain bins, the charity shops, the thrift stores. Thrift. I'm just doing a hype thing on it. Jumble sales. Oh, yeah. Of Great Britain and beyond

and bring you the contents that we find the treasure amongst the trash oh yes if you will if you will

and today Paul I will I'm glad I do no that's no I will hello

it's time to leave Eli alone for one of his mental breakdown moments it's a new segment on the show. It's Eli's mental breakdown moments. Here we go. Hello. Hello.

Here we go. That was a quick one. Stop. Stop. I'm not going to be like that anymore. Oh, yeah? That's not who I am. It's 2020.

It's our first recording of 2020. So I'd just like to project a more sort of mature and perhaps cheerful persona on this podcast this is exciting more together you know just sort of you know like I was trying to do with the intro there hype you up

so you go like bargain bins say bargain bins bargain bins yeah charity shops yeah thrift stores oh thrift yeah

pound lands fuck christ rubbing it jump jump ball sales jacking in a jumper mate you went from

level headed hype to masturbating into a jumper yeah I know that's it's normal Sunday for me so yeah

we're going to do on the show today a price of shite that Eli has curated himself and then we're doing a segment called off brand

brand off oh we've not done that in a while and we've promised it and we've finally pulled our fingers out and we have curated himself. And then we're doing a segment called Off-Brand Brand Off. Oh. We've not done that in a while, and we've promised it. We've finally pulled our fingers out, and we have. It's happening today, the Off-Brand Brand Off return. It's a pizza Off-Brand Brand Off today. We'll be putting three pizzas against one another and just seeing which one's the best.

You know what I mean, mate? Also, I'm going to try and guess. For people, because it has been quite a long time. There's some new listeners who aren't aware of Off Brand Brand Off. Yes. It's a segment of the show where we do a blind eye, Eli Silverman. Yes. Do a blind taste test, administered and set up by your good self, Paul Gannon.

Thank you. And I have two things I have to guess. Well, one's not a guess. One is just an honest... One's an opinion. A review of said item. And then I say, I guess which one I think it is

in the pecking order. Which of the actual items. So you'll tell me the three types of pizzas that we have. Yeah. And I'll try and guess. And you'll eat three slices of pizza.

What was I good on? I was good on Coke. I mean, you're not. I mean, you know. I know what you mean a cola a cola yes well no

I remember actually I think you were surprised by the outcome because I think you said the Sainsbury's one was the best no that was mayonnaise that's a dark day in my reckoning

what when you couldn't get your mayonnaise right I couldn't I thought that the Sainsbury's one was Hellman's and the Hellman's was Sainsbury's oh so yeah

and we did Jaffa Cakes I think you did well on that Jaffa Sainsbury's. And we did Jaffa Cakes, I think you did well on that. Jaffa Cakes, piece of piss. Jaffa Cakes have that certain amount of, if you don't mind me saying, amplitude that other Jaffa Cakes just simply can't recreate. Well, I'm glad you've taken on board that use of the word amplitude,

which we're trying to spread across the whole of the world, and it will be. It's a useful term. There's some amplitude all over the world tonight why when we start recording that's when the sick

the sick sweat starts pouring out my head so who wants who's listening who wants to roll the dice and if you think Eli's hung over today so who's

hands up who thinks everyone's put their hands up everyone listening has put their hands up because they know it's Sunday which means it's Sunday,

which means it's Bumbly Eli Grumblepad's day. Oh, I've got tails from the dance floor. Have you? Yeah. Fucking sit down, ladies and gentlemen, get comfy. Tails from the dance floor. I was DJing last night and a guy came up on the stage

and I thought, oh, here we fucking go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. He's going to have some fucking opinion or a question. Oh, here we fucking go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. He's going to have some fucking opinion or request. Oh, here we go. Something he wants to fucking do.

Say fucking can't. He just wants to be a nice man asking for a request. Come over here, ask me to do something above and beyond what I'm going to do in a normal day's work. You don't go up to a bus driver and go, oh, I've got a request. Could you go down that road there? Because I live there. No, you wouldn't. Because you'd be a c driver and go oh I've got a request could you go down that road there because I live there no you wouldn't because you'd be a cunt

and they would ignore you no but you you don't go up to a milkman and say oh can I can I have I don't know a pint of beer

no he's a milkman of course he won't do you a pint of beer you don't go up to you don't go up to he's fading a man in the street come on

you're nearly there you're like come on mate nearly there a man in the street. Come on. You're nearly there, Eli. Come on, mate. Nearly there. A man in the street. Yeah. And say, can I just say you look like... Go on. Henry Fonda.

Great. It's weakening. It's becoming more viscous by the second. Anyway, I thought that this young chap was going to have an annoying request. You know what? That took so long, that diatribe, that I'd forgotten what we're doing. What are we doing? Tales from the Dance Floor.

Right, good. He came up and then, lo and behold, he's a fan of the podcast, Paul. He just wanted his photo taken with me. Elliot, that was his name. Lo and behold, he's blowing his load. Elliot, so there you go. I've pulled the rug out there. I've switched it round, haven't I?

Yeah. You like it now. And did he... He went off and danced. He didn't have anything it round, haven't I? Yeah. You like it now. And did he... He went off and danced. He didn't have anything to say about the music I was playing. And he was a very polite young gentleman. He took the phone. Probably because he's listened to these fucking stories and gone,

I mean, I really want to hear, you know, I really want to hear Rolling Stones tonight, but he's not playing. Well, good. Well, good. And let that be a lesson to anyone who's thinking of asking me for a request when you see me DJing. If you're listening to this and you ever see Eli DJing in the Camden area,

go up to him and purposely, I just fucking punch him. Just neck him. When he's DJing, just lamp him right in the eye. Fuck off, Paul. You're a bad person. Then pull his pants down and take a picture of it and put it up on the internet. Listen. And then you can come on next week with an actually interesting

telltale dance floor for a change. Oh, actually, I've got another one. Oh, all right. I just thought this was a good example in terms of how many boxes were ticked

immediately in terms of red flag boxes, you know. Okay, so is this a between situation? No. No, between is a sacred noise that should only be used

when one scores a point in the price of shite so if there are any fans of the between out there there will be between going down with my price of shite so what you're saying is i can come up now with a sound unless you don't get any points in which case there will be no real between so only the only the reference to a between so when i say if you get a point pa Paul, the noise patwing will be made. And that's not a real patwing, what I just said. 15 minutes in, mate.

Yeah, it's good. I can keep going. I'm checking out. Now, lady comes up to me. This is a tell some dance floor. It's very, very early on. Very early on. In the evening?

It's literally, I've started playing 10 minutes ago. Maybe if that. Do you know what I mean? I haven't come quite down yet. No, they do. What they're doing now is a new thing where as soon as it turns nine, they get the lights down, get the disco lights going.

Right, okay. To encourage people to stop eating burgers and start, you know. Yeah, start dancing. Dancing. And drinking. And drinking. So the lights down, she comes over and then she goes, she says, I'm Patricia.

What are you going to play? What kind of music are you going to play? All right, so here we go. She says, it's my friend's birthday. Red flag one. Red flag two.

It's my friend's birthday. Three. Between. Don't, don't. Don't disrespect the between. Between, between. Listen, mate, you always just go run

with something I generate, don't you? That's why you're always trying to do my characters And stuff What characters All the ones you We had to name

A new character Because you did Such a rip off of it Adolescent Sasquatch Sasquatch Sausage squash Sausage squash That's a good one

It's Uncle Grumbly's New product No Fuck off Sausage squash Sasquatch What Uncle Grumbly's new product. No, fuck off. Sausage squash. Ah, squash. Now, Mr. Grumbly.

Yes. No more questions. So-called uncle. How is this product manufactured, please? What, my sausage squash? My sausage squash is men's sausages. Right. Men's sausages? That I chew up and spit into a jar.

Honestly, on every level, I wish I hadn't asked. Sausage chew doesn't sound as good as sausage squash. It's a little bit of misleading information. Okay, well, I'm glad you've admitted that. Do you want to leave now? Can you leave now? Yeah. Please.

Thank you. Right. I wasn't feeling it then, mate. I wasn't feeling it. Uncle Grumbly's a bit under the weather. He must be fucking eating his own products.

He's getting higher as no supply, mate. I just need one more hit of crack. Arse crack. Arse crack. No, I'm not going to ask about that. He just snorts it off.

Right. So she's come up. She said her name. She said, what are you going to play? It's your mate's birthday. What are you going to play? What have you got? She said.

What have you got? As in, literally, what tunes have you got? What are you going to play next? She said. She said, my name's Patricia. My name's Patricia. That isn't a red flag, obviously. That's just her name. Unless you have a name thing about Patricia's.

I think she said, is there going to be dancing? Okay. And also, then she did this thing, because she could see I was just like a bit guarded, let's say. And she said, oh, can I just stay here with you? What? She was taking the piss. She started to take the piss. Like, can I just hang out here with you? I'll stay up here with you. Because she could the piss she started to take the piss like could i'll just

hang out here with you i'll stay up here with you because she could see me going i wish you'd right off so she was purposely saying kind of oh i'm gonna jostle you into a response by i'm gonna annoy you then she came back and she said uh because i told her the genre i play was like funk and soul yeah she came back and she said, oh, my mate, whose birthday it is, wants you to play Jocelyn Brown, somebody else's guy. Right.

I don't know that song off the top of my head. It's sort of 80s, sort of disco, funky soul. Okay. All right. Not bad tune.

Not really something I'd probably drop, but you know. No, it's fine. Not the worst suggestion you've ever heard, put it that way. No, but I don't have it.

You don't have it. And she said, it's funk. That's funk. Another red flag suggestion you've ever heard. Put it that way. No, but I don't have it. You don't have it. And she said, it's funk. That's funk. Another red flag. When you start arguing about genres with the person. Do you know what I mean? Oh, don't argue with genre.

Don't tell me what funk is. Don't you fucking tell him. Listen, I've got underpants in the kitchen. That's funk. Yeah? That's living the funk. Yeah? No.

That's living, all right. That's fucking hard funk. Grotty funk. That's grotty, crispy funk. Right. And then she literally, her friend literally says, oh, go on, I'll sing. I'll sing along to it.

Oh, no. As if that was a proper suggestion. I know. And she said, I know all the words. It's like, am I the karaoke monkey? Do you know what I mean? I'm the karaoke fucking cunt who presses the fucking button. You know what I mean? His little bow tie karaoke fucking cunt who presses the fucking button you know i mean he's a little bow tie oh go on in the lyrics you know what mate that's almost

as if someone genetically created in a lab the worst person to come up to you and ask you know what join your job it was bad yeah the pair of them they were just like but they it was almost like they premeditated they just like let's just go and do that thing that all DJs experience, where they just, you know. Do you think God sent her to you? Maybe, to test me. Right, so, Chelsea on the dance floor, another one dusted off. Beautiful stories this week.

One subverted, and one was almost atypical. Yes. Like, the most typical. Very much so. Thanks, Patricia. I'm going to rate those stories out of five. And the first one gets a three. And the next one gets a three.

Well, fair's fair. Fair's fair. Six out of ten in all. Well played, Mr. Silverman. Oh, yeah. It's six out of ten. It's equivalent, yeah. It's equivalent.

So shall we get kicking off? Let's kick this shit right in the end zone. Come on. Let's put the ball down. What are we doing? Run to the 50. I told this like 20 minutes ago. Well, I forgot, didn't I?

I've got nothing going on upstairs. And that's the truth. What time is it now, Paul? Let me just check my cheap show watch. As I thought, it's time for the price-P-P-Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite. It's the fucking Price of Shite.

It's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of Shite. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. What rules are we playing today, Mr. Silverman?

I just think we're going to stay in the rules, you know? Going to stay in the rules. I thought... What? I like the little shimmy you were doing with your arms. Yeah, you can hear the shimmy in my voice. I'm hoping to put it across. Is thought... What? I like the little shimmy you were doing with your arms. Yeah, you can hear the shimmy

in my voice. I'm hoping to put it across. Is it Tumpy? No. Oh. I got excited then. Well, no. I'm Tumpy's mate.

Who's that? Fairy George. Fairy George. Not fairy. Fairy. That's what I said. Fairy George. But with a weird way

of saying it. Fury. Say furry. Fury George. Yeah. Fairy George. But with a weird way of saying it. Furry. Say furry. Furry George. Yeah, Fairy George, right, so,

what I'm saying is I thought this week, I had a little word with Eli, I said, hey, mate. Hey,

listener, listener, it's not very good this one, is it? What do you think? Sorry, I won't interrupt.

Hey, mate, why don't you just go with a normal one, mate? Go with a normal way of doing it, yeah?? What do you think? Sorry, I won't interrupt. Hey, mate, why don't you just go with a normal one, mate? Go with a normal way of doing it, yeah?

Right. And I said, yes. Thank you, furry George. Give my regards to Tumpy. Tell him we'll have him on very soon.

Listener. Right, I'm going. Hey, listener. Oh, shit, wasn't it?

Wasn't it awful? Oh, fuck off, Paul. It's an inert character. Well, says Uncle Grumbly fucking didn't turn up today, did he? He phoned in.

Jesus. No, I'm trying to cut back on characters. Sausage squash. It was grim. Yeah. It was like there was no humour leavening. No, no. The serial killer-ness of it.

I'm going to put my hand up, and then I'm going to whip it. Thank you. There you go. Very good. And that was, it wasn't very good. But you know what? It's early in the show.

Who knows what will happen? Let's get into it. Price of shite. So as... Between! Yeah. Is it between? It's between time.

That's the catchphrase for the show. Price of shite. It's between time. That's good. I like this. You're on board. You're going with it. What was that phrase

we had walking under the bus that you said you wanted to have for the source report? Oh, see it, say it, source report.

Making light of terrorism. Oh, no, I'm not. Come on. No, I don't think you are. Just say it. See it,

say it, source report. That tickled us. Come on. No, I don't think you are. Just say it. Say it. Source. Source. That tickled us. All right. It tickled us. So, is the standard version out? So, two points for being spot on, one point for being out by 25p either way of the actual price.

Yes. See how fucking I nailed that, mate? You nailed it well done. Come on. Okay. Thank you. Credit where credit's due, Paul. You explained it there.

I almost broke into a sweat doing so. Now, you will be awarded with the sound effect, Petwing, if you do score the points. Now, I don't know if we've covered this before, but is there ever a situation where a triple Petwing may be in order? Yes. Oh. I don't know if you've covered it.

I think we've covered it. It sounds like something we've done. Are we doing the order as well? No. You can get an extra point for the cheapest and more expensive. That's kicking it up too much. I don't know.

It's just an extra possible per-twing. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm not quite ready for this shit. You get one per-twing. Yeah. Two per-twings for being spot on. One per-twing. Yeah.

If it's on the nose, per-twing, per-twing. Per-twing per twing. Yeah. If it's on the nose, per twing, per twing. Per twing, per twing. If it's between, like you said, if it's 25p, either way, either side of the actual price, you get one per twing for that.

Per twing, one per twing. And I think you should get a bonus per twing. I'm going mad. Per twing. You should get one bonus possible per twing for having them in the right order.

So how, yeah, if you get it all in the right order, it's between, between, between. Because three things

between. You could get like, so you could get, for example, you could guess the price of everyone wrong by more than 25p, but still guess them

in the right order. You see what I mean? Yes. Then you get a between. So I can get it. You pull a between out from nowhere. So I'm giving you

an opportunity. It's a triple between, mate. Yes. I want to have that badge on my sleeve. It's a triple between, mate. Yes. I want to have that badge on my sleeve. It's a little wrinkle in the rules and it's going to work.

We're having fun. We're having fun. Your first item. Oh, hit me with it. The games are for... Now, this is something I've been after for a little while.

As I saw... Oh, you've got a girlfriend in that bag? No. A sex life? Come on, mate. A big box of cocaine? No, come on, mate. You're getting of cocaine. No, come on, mate.

Getting a big... Big plazzy fanny. I can afford a plazzy fanny if I wanted a plazzy fanny. I don't want a plazzy fanny. All right. Or a Tenga egg. Just fuck a Kinder egg. At least get a toy.

Yeah. Just pop the top of a Kinder egg. Oh, you could fill a kinder egg with jelly couldn't you you could do that so listen right but you know

fleshlights are terrible anyway I don't want to fuck a robot so I would fuck a robot. Of course you would. There's nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with that. Other than you're having sex with an emotionless piece of machinery. Perhaps it's an AI robot that has a consciousness. Hello, Eli. Wouldn't be fucking that. Come on, Eli. Put it in my mouth. You have to change your voice program.

Come on, Eli. Put it in my mouth. Now I'm rockening. Put it in my mouth. It on, Neil. That's better. Now I'm rocketing. It's rocketing. It's rocketing. Now, I saw this item. Part of this.

Is that it? Yes. Now go home, Sexatron 3000. Go back in your cupboard. I must go back to my cupboard. If you're unsatisfied,

initiate the wank program. Initiate wank program. Three, six, five. Experiment. I can't believe I did that. I can't believe it. Oh, Paul. I went there.

Oh, that's good. Experiment. It's not. Experiment. It's actually not good. It's actually. I know, not good. It's actually. I know, but we're in this little bubble of everything just being fucking terrible. Right, are you ready for my first price of shite item?

Yes, sir. Now, this is something that I've been after for a little while, Paul. Is it a girlfriend? Shut up. You've been after it a while and you've got one. I saw an incomplete one in that charity shop around the corner.

Okay. And I thought, oh, that's intriguing. Right. Because it's an item made by Tomy. And of course, we've had a lot of interest

in Tomy on the show. We have. I know. We have. But the other day, I walked into a different charity shop further up the road and I saw one complete. Oh, complete. So I thought, I walked into a different charity shop further up the road, and I saw one complete. Oh, complete.

So I thought, I'm having that. He's having that. And I'll give it to you. Here, I'm handing it to you. It's Tomy Eggs. How suspicious that, after we've just been talking about Tengger Eggs, Eli's got a box of kids' eggs. No, I don't. That's just a coincidence.

Is it? I have not been, any of my knob has not been on that. Well, now I don't know. There's nothing is it I have not been any my knob has not been on that well now I don't know there's nothing to put a knob in open it describe come on okay so

it's a yellow plastic egg box you know for six eggs you see them on the shelves all the time it's made of plastic and it's yellow

it has Tomy written on the top you open it up oh it's full of eggs. Plastic eggs that have expressions on their face. All of them different. You've got sleepy egg man. Is he zzzzing?

He's sleeping. I am sleeping. Do not wake me. Go back to sleep, eggy man. Okay. Next one. Oh, look at this happy chap. He's happy.

Hey, I'm a happy chap. Oh, my God. Don't do a voice for every egg. Please don't do a voice for every egg. Can you not do that, please? Oh, look at this. Here's the one with his tongue sticking out. He's licking his lips.

He's licking his lips. I love being an egg. There you go. And all the other three eggs have faces on as well. Look at that one. He's angry. He looks like he's been taken Look at that one. He's angry. He looks like he's been taken roughly up the bottom.

He does. That's such an up-the-arse corner shot, isn't it? You know, from Viz. Pictures of the eggs will be available on our website. Yes. But look upon inside. When you take the top of the eggs off, like a cracked egg, you see another set of eggs. The top half of the egg is removable

with the face on the top of the egg. And there's chicks. Chicks. Different coloured chicks in there. This one's a blue one and his name is Gareth. Hello, Gareth.

Hello. Oh, no. Please don't do a voice for all the chicks, either. Gareth, sit back. Oh, and when you take the egg out... No, but show what the chick does. What does the chick...

Press the chick down. I squeeze it. How cool is that do they all do that they all go down do they or do they go up Mr Silverman

well neither literally do they go up Mr Silverman oh fucking hell they don't go up Mr Silverman Tommy's Tanger Eggs

no they all do that Tommy's Tanger Eggs the chicks are sprung yeah and they have a whistly effect and so but that's so that's tenger eggs the chicks are sprung yeah and they have a whistly effect

and so but that's so that's two and they have a little whistly is that built in I never noticed that before it must be

it must be they have a little chirrup don't they they chirp hand it over wait wait one sec and at the bottom of each egg

there is a shape you can take the eggs out of the box yeah I should say and they fit specifically into the holes that match so a star

fits into a star hole what's this one a triangle fits into the holes that match. So a star fits into a star hole. What's this one? A triangle fits into the triangle. It's similar to that very basic kids toy where you had the blocks, different shaped blocks and the holes and the cubes. You know what I mean? Like that.

It's an interesting item that I can imagine kids would enjoy taking apart, playing with, making sounds, learning coordination. So you can basically change the helmets, so to speak, can't you? The top of the egg, around. But the bottom half has to fit in the hole that was designed for it. The star.

I can't keep up with all the innuendo. Oh, come on, it's fine. It's just real tough. And did you say all the chicks are different colours? Yeah. Blue, pink, purple, red, orange, green, yellow. All the colours of the rainbow, ladies and gentlemen. Now, for me, Paul, this has just something about it.

It's like Philip K. Dick's novel, The Man in the High Castle. Right. There's a whole section in that about this person making jewellery. He goes into this japanese um term for making stuff i don't know it's a quality of uh objects right but that is talked about in that book which they have a certain rightness to them okay a certain sort of weight and a certain elegance in there that is just right it's just pleasing and to me this Tomy egg box really has that. Yeah.

I just find it pleasing. Uh-huh. Extremely pleasing. How pleasing? I'm trying to say something serious. Tell me how pleasing you find it.

I'm not sexually attracted to this box of fucking toy eggs. Do you fuck eggs, Eli? I do not fuck eggs. Tenga or Tomy, mate. Or Kinder. Or Kinder.

I don't fuck any eggs. I would put... If someone gave me no Tenga or Tomy mate or Kinder I don't fuck any eggs I would put if someone gave me a Tenga and it was mint on card I would fuck it

mint in box I'd try it I would try it alright is that what you want from me I'm trying to make a serious point

about these Tomy eggs they're a lovely item I will say that do you know what I mean about the box itself is all smooth and rounded and it's got the catch on the egg box brilliant little catch and also just the way it's the tool

the way it's tooled it's beautiful don't you think no i i do agree it's it's a reasonably simplistic there's something about the build quality of tomy toys that is pleasing and is sort of i don't know how to describe it it's like that it's got is sort of, I don't know how to describe it. It's like that, it's got that sort of essence of balance. Okay. Do you see what I mean? Like the weight of it.

Feel those eggs in there rumbling around. I really like it. Yeah. I have to say, I'm really pleased with that. All right. That's a lovely thing.

You like to homey stuff, don't you? Yeah, but as a grown adult. I wonder if they do a whole range of baby, because this is a toy for a very young child. Yeah, I guess like in three to four or something two to three to four to five one to three so it doesn't have a game element apart from basically it's coordination

finding the shapes to fit in the bottom yeah but it's also you know sounds and colors and stuff i absolutely love this toy i love this toy good so Good. So that's an interesting first item, Mr. Silverman. Thank you for presenting me. It's complete, isn't it? It's in good nick, isn't it? It's in very good condition. Even the paint. I don't think the paint is rubbed off really on the eggs things, has it?

Not particularly. It's good. Very good. I do know that this might be a later generation because this toy's been banging around since maybe the early 80s. Yes. So you can see on the back, it says on this one. This must be like a 90s...

1993. Okay, so that's when this version came out. So it's not as old as these could be, is what you're saying. Well, 93, 2003, 30. It's still 25 years old.

It's pretty nice, isn't it? Yeah. I like it. And to think now it's just going to sit on a shelf in your miserable room... No, I'll look at it.

...and accumulate dust. I'll look at it and I might go... And maybe, ladies and gentlemen, ejaculate. Shut up. We, look at it. And maybe, ladies and gentlemen, ejaculate. Shut up. We just don't know. Stop bashing your red bird. Shut up.

Right. Now, that is the first item, Paul. And, you know, you can have a little tentative guess. Of course, you can always update your guess. Because it's complete and in good condition, I think this is going to be the most expensive, but I wouldn't want to put a price on it just okay fine you ready now the other two items yeah not as impressive that's fine uh say what you see oh it's a little i have no that's some character isn't it it's a

speaker yes it's a look at its bottom that's its bottom. That's where the speaker is. Oh, that's where the speaker is. It's a white panda-esque... Is it a panda? It looks like a... It's got wings at the back. And it's got wings. Is it a Pokemon? I don't think it's a Pokemon either.

Is it some kind of Japanese anime? It's got a bow tie. And it looks like it's wearing those superhero masks. The small superhero masks. Do you know what my phone can do? It can tell you what it is. I can take a picture of it and then it will scan it

and then look for matching pictures online. Let's do that. This is the future, ladies and gentlemen. This is the future. Right, I'm scanning the picture. It's scanning it. Oh, it's a...

Well, yeah, I know it's a mini speaker for a smartphone, but I don't think it's about anything. So it's a one-off. It's a... Well, yeah, I know it's a mini speaker for a smartphone, but I don't think it's about anything. So it's a one-off. It's a standalone character. Well, it's... The picture that they show on the Amazon site... It's a raccoon. It looks like a stylized Japanese raccoon, doesn't it?

With wings. Weird. I wonder if this is in working order. And maybe it needs charging or plugging in, but yeah. Do you think this doesn't have batteries that you take out? No, because look, it's got a little USB power. Well, I'll see if that works later. And it'll need a male-to-male-male connected cable.

A little mini jack. Yeah, that's the one. Male-male. Because that's what they call it, male-to-female. I know, yeah. I know what they call it. But it's called double-male docking. I know what they call it.

So that's a nice little thing. You like that, do you? It's not too bad. it. Docking. So that's a nice little thing. You like that, do you? It's not too bad. Yeah. It works. I mean, it'd be great if it was like a Bluetooth thing. Oh, it's got little rubber feet. Yeah.

That's nice as well. I couldn't tell you what the sound quality is like on those, though. Probably poor. Probably not great. But, you know, your one's on the flits at the moment. Could be a nice little replacement, that. Because yours involves power. Mine are much more powerful.

You're not going to get... Like, if you want to watch a movie, that's not going to do it for you is it fair enough but i'm just saying those are actually those speakers yeah it's a connect it's a power supply problem can you swap out get a different adapter i'm just going to get new you know you see those in charity shops oh it's almost like tech moan this bit isn't it don't you you see quite big you sometimes see those subwoofers in charity shops as well i'd like to get one of those oh you know those box yeah yeah yeah yeah just So, all right. Ooh, you see, now that's thrown me,

but I don't know. I don't know. Little speaker is the second item. With it being, you know, a technological piece of equipment, and you bought it from that charity shop, well, I think she guesstimates the price. She does.

So she might have overcharged you for that, which means I'm a bit out. But anyway, we'll see how it goes. Do you still think the Tomy are the most expensive out of the first two items? I actually still think yes, but maybe by a margin, a mini margin.

See the working of the... Paul is the champion of Price of Shite on this show. No, you are. No, no, no. You are. I've had just as many misses as I have hits. No, you haven't. I've been dry on the...

No. Come on, mate. I've been on the driest run. Oh, no. I'm on a per-twing drought, the likes of which I've never seen before. If only you're... I'm lucky if I get one per-twing.

I get one per-twing every three weeks. You're per-twingless in a per-twing-filled world. Right. Here is item number three on the price of shite, Paul. I'm handing it to you. Now, if you say this isn't mint on card, this is the definition of mint on fucking card. No, you don't know what mint on card means.

You genuinely don't know. Amplitude. Mint on card is mostly a very specific thing when they talk about comics. For example, yes. No, when they talk specifically, by and large. Star Wars figures. Star Wars figures,

because the quality of the packaging it comes on is important. Whether the whole thing's been punched out. You know, that whole stuff. Yeah, so why wouldn't that work with other collectible products that have ephemeral packaging? Because the point of it being mint on... Which has card in it. All right, well hand me this and I'll make a judgment. Tell me, try and tell me this isn't mint on card.

Right, let me have a look at it and then I can find out. Right, you ready? Yes. Ah, this is not mint on card, you fucking massive dickhead. It totally is. It's a card. What's that at the top? It's a card, which is mint on it.

Which is bent, which has a half-torn instruction booklet on the back. Get the instructions out. It's making me feel bad. Give me those. We don't need those. So you bought Disney-themed baby dummies or pacifiers. Yeah. Mint on card.

How many times for this fucking show have you bought dummies now? Twice. This is the third time. No. What happened to that dummy you bought for

the Mookie Bucket thing we did for Barshans? That was recycled from the time I bought it for Price is Right the first time.

Ah! I'm not the one going into different charity shops and getting different pre-child, young children toys. They're not toys, they're pacifiers. It's got a practical use. Make your child quiet. Give it...

If you're not going to open this, it's joyful to me. It's fine, but it's just... Explain it to them. It's a package, a plastic package, with two small pacifiers in for babbies to put in their mouths and suckle on. What amuse me. You know what?

I've never been so underwhelmed by something. There's a whiplash to this. You've gone from your sex eggs that you bought for your own filthy practices, and then this speaker, and then you just, I don't know, that feels really under the thought. A Mickey Mouse.

I'm disappointed. Got Mickey Mouse on it. I think this is Israeli. Interesting. No. These are dummies for six to 18 month year old children. Yeah. And it says 95% baby acceptance.

What does that mean? It means 95% of babies accept it god don't say it like that what they accept it accept what a pacifier

so like the mummy goes here's your dummy and the baby goes yes you may put it in my mouth I accept it they accept it

into their mouth and then there's 2% who go no yeah no mother some babies don't like pacifiers no mother

I shan't have a dummy in my mouth, for I wish to. Did you have a dummy? I probably did. I honestly don't remember. I bet you did. I bet you a total oral fixation. Care to elaborate?

Well, you like this? I don't think I was breastfed. Were you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just not by your mum. Oh. People can do that.

There's nothing wrong with that. You've got your dad's tit in your mouth. Oh, fucking hell. The thing, this subject wouldn't come up if you hadn't bought dummies for a podcast. I know, but, you know. But now here I am, thinking of little baby Eli, suckling his daddy's titties. They've got a little... They're well made.

They are, with like Mickey Mouse on it. Nook. Say you had twins. Look, they're fine it. Nook. Say you had twins. Look, they're fine, great, good. Say you had twins, but... Why am I calling everyone the wrong name today? Because you hung over it and a cunt. All right.

Let's say you had twin babies in the future. Yes. Then you have a little pair of nannies for them in their own little box. A bit of nummy num nums. Well, you know. We've ruined it now. You know what kids do?

They spit them out when they're walking down the street or in the buggy. So you want to have a back at once. So you buy two. Right, you could, yeah. So, yes. Congratulations, Eli.

You've bought dummies. It's the price of shite. We buy stuff. It's not necessarily... Come on, mate. It's a pretty strong showing. Anyway, let's crack on with the scoring. Yes. I'm... And... Come on, mate. It's a pretty strong show. Let's crack on with the scoring.

Yes. I'm... And I'll tell you what. What? The betwings are going to be hard passing my mouth out. Would you like to try that again? I won't be rewarding betwings lightly. Right, good. So you have to get it right.

You know what? I'm not going to give you any fucking help here either. Right. What help do you want? Well, I'll tell you what I will say going to give you any fucking help here either right what help do you want well I'll tell you what I will say accumulatively because you've asked this

and I think I'm going to ask how much overall did you spend roughly it's quite high so like just tell me this more than five pounds

or less more for all three items together is more than five pounds okay and less than ten yes right

I'm going to say here we go Paul what's the master at work here no because I'm going to Together is more than five pounds. Okay. And less than ten? Yes. Right. I'm going to say... Here we go. Paul, what's the master at work here? No, because I'm going to shit the bed now. You might. I don't know, mate. I'm going to just go ahead and say where they lie already is kind of where I want them. I want the cheapest to be the dummies.

Right. I want the next expensive to be the... The speaker. The dead raccoon. Novelty speaker. Angel speaker. And then the tomy eggs are the most expensive. Are you sticking with that?

I'm going to stick with that. Now I'd like actual prices for each item. Now, I am going to say the dummies were probably one pound. I'm going to say, just to split the odds and roll the dice, I'm going to say one pound, 40. All right? The speaker, I'm going to say three pound. Okay.

And the eggs were fiver. Is that what you want to do? I'm going to just roll the dice on that. Really? Well. Are you sure? I spent, do you want me to, I'll tell you how much I spent altogether. Okay.

Eight. Okay. You still think? What does that add up to? So you said three for the speaker and five for the eggs. Yeah. That's's eight. You put 9.50.

So you need to take off somewhere. You need to take off. Take off a quid. Yeah, quid 50. Right. Well, how about I say that thing was two pound 50, the speaker, and this thing was three pound 50. For the eggs?

Yeah. Okay. So eggs 3.50. Yeah. Speaker, £350. Yeah. Speaker, phone speaker. Yeah. What did you say? Did I say £250?

£250. Yeah. That leaves... £1. Hang on. £3, £4, £5, £6. That leaves £3 for that. Oh, no, that's not it then.

No, it's... Hang on. £350 plus £250 is... £6. £6. £7, £8. It leaves £2 for that. Yeah. You're going to go with that? I would say she would charge you £2.50 is six. Six quid. Seven, eight. It leaves two pounds for that. Yeah.

You're going to go with that. I would say she would charge you two pounds for that, actually. You're going to go with that? Yes. Okay. You've done very well, Paul. Oh!

I did say I wasn't going to help you. I know. I do feel like you've overly assisted. But I did want to see some betwings coming out. I lied about that. I love to give betwings. He loves the betwings. I'm generous.

Sup the betwings out of my chafed nips nips. Yes! Right. Pick on those betwings like a scabby... He's tenting. I'm not tenting. You are. How dare you?

You're tenting. I don't tent. I'm a professional Maverick broadcaster. And I would not tent around you. Who farts, though, when we broadcast. No. No. It's only because of your lack of professionalism leaving that's right. Broadcaster. And I would not tent around you. Who farts, though, when we broadcast. No. No. It's only because of your lack of professionalism leaving that stuff in.

That's obviously off camera. And boosting the audio. Yeah, and boosting the audio and putting fucking reverb on it. So they really get the taste of it. Or you go through the sound effects and go, ooh, like Albert Hall. Echo. Albert Hall. Echo.

And then reverb. Huge cavernous reverb. Yeah. And you get that nice raspy arse noise that we all love so well are you ready for the anointment of the betwings for you? Here we go ladies and gentlemen on the price of shite

tonight what did you say the cheapest was? that, £2 that is the two Mickey Mouse pacifiers which were mint on card 95% child acceptance, and they are coming in a little carrying case. I don't know if we mentioned that.

Yeah. You said... Two pounds. Our survey said... Yes. Three pounds. Oh. No betweens there.

Three pounds. Yeah. That is extortionate. I said, I looked at her, because this was the lady who does the reckoning, and I looked at her when she said three pounds for these. Yeah. And she said, mint on card.

No, she fucking didn't. She did. She used that term. No, she didn't. Everywhere. She's not an imbecile. There's a little sign on the wall in there that says, if items are mint on card, as generally accepted to be known as.

So she can't write a sentence as well. No, she can't. Right. She said to me. She shouldn't be running a fucking shop. She said, and she did have a little thing to say. She said, oh, but these are very, you should see. She's checked online and these are very expensive.

Because these are good. These are high quality Narni product. Right. Let's see. Let's have a little fucking check, shall we? Nook. Because these are good. These are high quality Narni product. Right. Let's see. Let's have a little fucking check, shall we? Nook. And what do they call it? Pacifiers, I guess.

Dummies they've got here as a first option. Okay. So for a pack of two, two, £6.50. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's a Nook Happy Days Blue Silicon 2 pack, almost identical to that. But for four quid. For four quid. Yeah, well, so she's knocked a quid off at least.

And I bet the novelty ones go for more, don't they? The novelty one. There's one here that goes for 60 quid. Yeah. Hello. This is top-end pacifiers. Look, latex single-use soother. So you only use it once.

And it's 60 quid. What? Let's look at that. What is it for? Administering medicine or something? Made from natural latex. Original orthodontic nook shape. Yeah.

Anatomically designed mouth shield. Yeah. I'm telling you, these are quality pacifiers, my friend. It's claiming that this design, it's tested to stimulate and train the sucking reflex, guarantees longer periods of rest and sleep, increased sense of well-being. I want one of these fucking things. See if they do adult ones. But how was it? Why is it only... Single use, I think they mean that it's only for one child.

Or maybe... They don't mean that you just put it in their mouth once and you throw it out. Of course not. Maybe you don't use it for that long yeah muller discovered 60 years ago two dental health practitioners professor dr bolters i don't know why that made me laugh dr bolters bolters and dr med dent muller discovered that the female nipple changes its shape during breastfeeding thus ensuring an optimal coordination ah did you of all the muscles and mouth and jaw. Did you notice the nipples on these are unconventional?

They're dimpled nipple pieces. This precise asymmetric shape has, to this day, been taken as the model. It's asymmetric in terms of vertically, isn't it? You're going to have to show this detailed picture. We're going to have to. It's spoon-shaped. It's like an upside-down spoon. It results in the healthy

training of all mouth functions and as a natural sucking sensation. I might keep these and try and sell them on. See if any ladies with children want them on the street.

This is, that's the creepiest fucking thing you've said in a while. Nook, nook. Right. So you see. Oh, the nook man's coming.

Nook, nook. Nook, nook. Nook, nook. That's the noise they make when the nook man comes. So no see... Oh, the Nook Man's coming. Nook, Nook. Nook, Nook. Nook, Nook. That's the noise they make when the Nook Man comes. No points there for me. But they are... She was right. They're top-end items.

All right, fair enough, Paul. And they were new. They may not have been mint on card, whatever that means. But they were new, weren't they? Yes. No betweens there, Paul. No. Let's move on to the item that you thought was in the middle in terms of the price i think i've done badly today i think you lied when i said i did well so let's see how it goes the second thing was the raccoon speakers i

said it was three pound now i wish i said 250 oh shit it was yeah two oh you're going the right way so they got there and that goes there. Yeah. Oh, well, I've been kajiggered. And you said the most expensive item was the Tomy eggs. Tomy. I think we don't even have to say what our preferred item. The Tomy eggs are my favourite item.

The eggs have won the day. Yes, they have. Eli's arse eggs have... They're not arse eggs. They will be. And they haven't been anywhere near anything to do with me. They will become arse eggs. No, they will not.

Why? Or there'll be little cum catchers for them. No, they won't be. They'll become arse eggs. No, they will not. Why? Or there'll be little cum catchers for them. No, they won't be cum catchers or arse eggs. The new Disney film, Cum Catchers and Arse Eggs. We're off on an adventure. Oh, there's a big brown cave. Let's go in the big brown cave.

Oh, God. It smells in here, doesn't it? Yeah, it's full of shit. Let's all do magic and fly around with cartoon characters. Oh, here comes It smells in here, doesn't it? Yeah, it's full of shit. Let's all do magic and fly around with cartoon characters. Oh, here comes the spunk lord. Disney just turned us down. Right.

We did our pitch. There's Disney. He keeps popping his head up, doesn't he? Yeah. This is Mickey Mouse pacified. Oh, you Disney. Now, what price did you say for the Tomy eggs? £3.

He said £3.50. Yeah, £3.50. Per twing? Per twing. Oh, it's spot on. He's got the on and no. So he's got two points there. Oh, that's all right.

Got the order wrong. So the bonus per twing is now. It's not there. But two per twing is good. Two per twing. It's not bad. It's good to end on a high.

Yes. You did all right, mate. Overall, you know. Do you think the Tomy was overpriced? No, I think, if anything, I still think the pacifiers were overpriced. Really? But, you know, it's a charity shop.

You'd expect more of a discount, maybe. It's because it was new, and she'd obviously looked online briefly and said, oh, look, these are expensive ones. They have a lot of, like, baby carriages and cots and... They have, in there at the moment, they have a huge selection of small porcelain and resin figures, like teddy bears. Weird.

And little married couple cake decoration. Married couple. They've got loads of those in there as well. Well, what are you going to do with that after you get married? You're not going to keep the little man and woman on top of your cake, are you? No, that's true. You don't even take it home yourself just leave it at the venue

if you get divorced and you're separating things out yeah who gets that do you want oi love do you want this

what is it do you want this fucking bride and groom model that came with our fucking cake no I hate you and I'm having sex

with a welly what right now yeah I'm gonna go for the box oh it's right up there. Well, I'm going to put it in fucking charity box then. I hate you.

Fucking hated that cake. Fucking tasted like bitterness. Who did it? It was your uncle Grumbly, wasn't it? It was your fucking uncle Grumbly made the cake. Well, he's ruined our marriage.

Fuck it, it was his fault. Do you want these love eggs? Because I'm fucking sick of the salmon. I don't know. I've got a welly up mid-minge. Do you want them in the charity box? Do you want to squeeze this welly for old time's sake? It's a hunter.

I can't go back there. You can't go back up here? I can't go back to the welly. Oh, please squeeze me welly. Too much water's run under that bridge. Reverse queef the welly into me. Right. I'm not going to laugh at my own jokes anymore,

but that was class. Oh, you thought that was a joke? Shout out. Right, eggs. To sum up, Eli Fox eggs. Goodbye. Fucking shut up. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Oh, you're knocking on the door to come in? Oh, it's like he's a conductor. Oh! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off!

Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off! Brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off,

and one more time. Brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off. Stop that. Off brand, brand off. It's off brand, brand off. Brand off, brand off, brand off, brand off, Brandoff, Brandoff, Brandoff, Brandoff. You know who's going to come in, Paul?

Don't threaten me with the tomey eggs. I will threaten you with the tomey eggs. Do you know who's going to come in? Who? Oh. Off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand. You get too fucking carried away. Who is it?

Richard Brandoff is going to come in there. Is he? When? He always comes in at the end of the section. You know, I can't. He's a busy man. I get too fucking carried away. Who is it? Richard Brand off is going to come and die. Is he? When? He always comes in at the end of the section. You know, I can't. He's a busy man. I can't, you know. He's on the skids, isn't he?

He says I'll be there. Well, I mean, there's been some talk about that, but you know. I've seen him. I've seen him in the pubs. You've seen him in the pubs? I've seen him in the pubs. What pubs? Looking sad.

Which pubs? I saw him in the Frog and Bucket. The Frog and Bucket. I saw him in the Old Queen's Minge. The Old Queen's Minge. I saw him in the Frog and Bucket. The Frog and Bucket. I saw him in the Old Queen's Minge. The Old Queen's Minge. I saw him, he was drinking in... Where? Appy Jack's Nap Flap.

Oh, yeah, down in Croydon, yes. Yeah, and he was drinking in the Spoff and Pickle. Spoff and Pickle. Now, that is a real pub. That is a real pub. And I also saw him drinking a Sailor. From the Tap. Oh, God!

Well, look, don't be spreading any of this around when he comes in, because, you know, he's a man of some standing in the community. He's not. He's a mucky man now. Well, look, he may be having some hard times, but he still is the patron saint of the Off Brand Off segment of this podcast. His contract is still

in. Even though he murdered one of our co-hosts in a fictional world at one point. But, you know, he gets invited back. As I say, it's in his contract and still even though he murdered one of our co-hosts in a fictional world at one point but you know he gets invited back as I say it's in his contract and it's not yet expired so we're bound, I'm bound we're bound so let's crack on with today's Off Brand Brand Off Off Brand Brand Off

Diddly Diddly Diddly Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand Off Brand You know what I don't know what? I don't know what's worse. This or Ganon's Golden Games. They're both despicably annoying. Should I do a mash-up?

No. Don't, please. Do a mash-up of both of those. I will next time. We should do a mash-up of where I play different versions of a game. I don't want this to happen. We could. We could get like three different versions of checkers or something,

you know, generic Tenga. Oh, an off-brand Zenga. Zenga. Tenga eggs are on your fucking mind. But Zenga could do a tie-in with Tenga. Like a Zenga that you could... Tenga. You have to put your dick in it

and take it out without it falling down. Or you have to use your hard cock to knock the little bricks out. To knock the bricks out with your recce. With your recce.

Tenga Jenga. Yeah. Mate, you should not even say that on the podcast because it could be a really good idea like money-wise.

Or every single... Perhaps we should say to Richard when he comes in I call him Richard now oh mr. Brando yes oh you could say to him mate I've got this idea

multi-million idea you'd be like yes it's like Dragon's Den yes oh he was on Dragon's Den yeah on the pilot yeah he had to go he pinched Deborah Maiden's bam but what was he there

trying to sell? He wasn't on. He was one of the judges. Oh, he was one of the dragons. Of course he was a self-made man. I didn't know. What's my point? We're doing Off-Brand Brand Off. Yes. And in this week's episode, we are going to judge pizzas.

We have got today for you three pizzas to try, Mr. Silverman. Okay. These are oven pizzas. We have got today for you three pizzas to try, Mr. Silverman. Okay. When we go into the... These are oven pizzas. These are frozen, originally frozen.

These are frozen pizzas and they were all bought from Aldi. One is a name brand, a Goodfellas, and then there are two off-brand pizzas of the same style.

They're basically cheese pizzas. So we've just gone for a basic margarita. A basic margarita. Margarita style. What is your view on pizza?

Just generally, just sum it up for me, Paul. Pizza is my favourite food. Yeah, it is your favourite food. I love pizza. I like all kinds. Do you know what? Pizza is literally

the most, the favourite food of the world. Is it? I read somewhere, yeah. Really? I think it's the most widespread.

Just pull that fact right out of the air. I think in terms of like a fast food item, it's the most widespread so they just pull that fact right out of the air I think in terms of like a fast food item it's bigger than burgers put it that way that's quite the claim I'm sure we'll get

complaints about that statement but also I do love pizza though yeah but it's not that unhealthy I mean there's a lot of fat and carbohydrate but you do get the tomato puree

which has nice stuff in it what I think is when you can get veg on a pizza if you like uh stuff in what i think is when you can get veg on a pizza if you like as well my problem with pizzas is when they become too gimmicky so like this stuff crust oh fucking chicken tikka wing crust or something or bombay duck pizza or or when they have a sausage bag you know baked into the crust and you just think oh fuck off can't you just make your pizza taste nice that's the problem it doesn't actually make the pizza taste nice I would argue

cheeseburger they do cheeseburger crust yeah yeah yeah which has got burgers in it it's like well what do you want you want a pizza or just a big thick

ring of cheese around the side which is tasteless is there any kind of gimmick oh yeah the cheese crust yeah just rubbery so you think

what's the point is there any kind of gimmick pizza that you like I don't like them I can't think of any off the top of my head I like a thinner crust style

stone baked yes I love that I must have described on the show before Paul but one of my peak food moments of all time

was when I was in that little festival Meadowland that's right yeah and they had a fucking stone oven in this converted

van Volkswagen van you know van camper van a fucking stone oven in this converted... Van. Volkswagen... Van. You know. Van. Camper. Van. It's a van, yes.

Van! It was one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. What do you go for? You're having a pizza. I'm having a pizza. What would you get?

Honestly, I like to keep a single... What do you get on it? Can I be honest? Please be honest here. Four cheeses and mushrooms. That's my base pizza. You get a four cheese and mushroom? Yeah. Four cheeses and mushrooms. That's my base pizza. You get a four cheese and mushroom?

Yeah. Four cheeses, however it comes. Tasty. Sometimes they grate it, sometimes they have segments. It's a tasty pizza. And then mushrooms, just because I like mushrooms. I like mushrooms. That's kind of my simple basic that I go for.

Sometimes I don't mind a meat feast with bits of bacon and sausage on. Sometimes you go for a fuller meat feast. But sometimes they stick too much barbecue sauce on. That ruins it. Yeah, it makes it all sweet, doesn't it? The overuse of barbecue. Barbecue's actually quite a varied sauce if you go to America. There's all different regional varieties.

But in this country, barbecue sauce is just like ketchup. It's sweeter than ketchup, isn't it? Here's my problem. Have you ever had barbecue sauce at a barbecue? I don't think I ever have. I've had barbecue-flavored cris i ever have i've had barbecue flavored crisps and i've had barbecue this and they do sometimes have a bottle at a barbecue yeah i've never had one or certainly good barbecue sauce well the point is is barbecue marinade what you put on the meat before as before you cook it or whilst you're cooking it's a different thing isn't it barbecue sauce is it's a it's a nowhere sauce it's a

nowhere sauce it's a no you fuck off barbecue if It's a nowhere sauce. It's a nowhere... Fuck off, barbecue. In fact, if I was going to get a meat feast, I'd ask for it without the barbecue sauce. Yeah. It just makes it sweet and horrible. Horrible, yeah. Because it's meant to, as you say,

braise the meat, affect that one particular piece of the meat. But it's all just all over it. Sweetening it all up nicely. That's where we stand, ladies and gentlemen. I've actually invented, as you know, and Richard Sandling named it for me, my own special pizza

is this the one that you had at Barstians after the shoot that time now a classic Mexiturano Paul has

four items make it a Mexiturano if it's missing any of these four it's not a Mexiturano so the toppings are you get your cheese and tomato

you get that that's Petwing no Petwing! No. Yeah. Petwing is not used for just any list of things. Okay, I apologise. You get your four things.

Yeah. First thing, don't say petwing. Behave, come on. Just get on with it. Pepperoni. Petwing! You couldn't even get it out. You were so happy.

I was so excited no Mexico Toronto has pepperoni jalapenos anchovies and black olives now

I know you don't eat fish for medical reasons but would you like the other the black olives jalapenos and pepperoni yes definitely yeah yeah definitely that's quite a nice concoction so anyway what's going to happen now we're going to go to But would you like the black olives, jalapenos and pepperoni? Yes, definitely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. That's quite a nice concoction. So anyway, what's going to happen now? We're going to go to what is usually the noodle kitchen, but we're going to... It's a pop-up in the noodle kitchen. Yeah, it is Paul's Pizzeria. And pizza is... I was trying to think of something that says piss.

I just can't be arsed. I just can't be arsed. I just can't be arsed. So let's just go to Paul's Pizzeria. Pizza industry set up. Yeah. Paul's Pizza Industry set up. We need another S. Science set up.

Yes. This is just so fucking convoluted. I don't want to do it. Ladies and gentlemen. Pizza industry science set up. Let's hand over now to Paul's Piss Pizzeria. So here we are. We're now wading through the filthy corridor

that separates the house of pickles to the now overwhelmed... What is this room called again? What do we call it? It's the kitchen. We're in what is formerly known as Eli's Country Noodle Kitchen and now we're in Paul's Piss Pizzeria. Right.

Any idea how to work that? You don't know how to work your fucking oven. Just think it's... Have a look at that. I told you that I didn't know how. I told you when we suggested this bit, that we cook the pizza here, that I don't know how to work the oven. And you went, oh, it's fine.

It's fine at work. It works for us. It's content. Yeah? But now, what you are looking at now, Paul. Do you know how to use the grip? What you're looking at now is the failure of this segment because we're not going to be able to turn the oven on.

So I spent six quid on pizzas for nothing. I tried to tell you. I tried to tell you. Right. Come on, shall we have a go? Here's my next question. What? Right.

What? Do you know how to work the grill? Yes. Show me how that works. Oh, I like your thinking. Do it then. Right. Just back off, though, yeah?

This isn't the fucking hurt locker. What is the knob that turns on? I've got to think which the order of the knob turns is the fucking of primacy. Yeah. Primacy. That didn't fix it, the sentence. Nothing will. Nothing will.

So he's leaning down. Now, you see? It's a conjunction. I'll just point this out to you. This is a smeg. It's a conjunction of these three and this. This, you can see here, this is the dial that has the temperature, controls the temperature of the oven. Yes. So that must be on. Set that to 200 has the temperature, controls the temperature of the oven. Yes.

So that must be on. Set that to 200. That's what we want is 200, yeah? Yes. What does this do, do you know? I think this has to be turned as well. That looks like it's for the grill though. It does look like it's for the grill.

So turn that off. No, but the grill... Now here's, we've got some knobs. It's like we're talking to a child today, Mr. Silverman. It's not. So we've got, look, a lamp there so you can turn the light on, see what's inside, but that don't work. Right?

We've got... That's going to be... That's not going to be the oven. It's going to be that or that. Oh, no, you're right. That's the fan-assisted grill. That's the fan-assisted grill, and this is the fan-assisted oven. I think that's the fan-assisted oven.

Why do you have to press the button now? Shouldn't it just come on? No, you see there? It came on there. You have to give it some time. All right, well then, stick it to 20 minutes. Do you see how complicated this is and weird? It just doesn't make any sense at all.

All right, it's in for 10. All right, leave it. So take out everything you don't want to get hot. Is that on? Is that come on now? We'll find out. Close the door. That's all we can do now is wait.

I think it's come on. Right, good. We have to give it five minutes to warm up. Exactly. There's no rush. That gives us time to look at the pizzas. Don't tell me, though. You're going to have to do...

No, I can tell you. You just have to do a blind taste test. I'm going to have to leave while you cut the pizzas into apportionate portions. But again, it won't matter. Apportionate portions. It won't matter. Because ultimately... If I see which bit is which, they might have visual clues.

If I see it and I see where you put it, I can't look at you cutting these pizzas up, is all I'm trying to say. Yeah, but you'll be blind when you... I'll be blind? You'll be blindfolded when you do the taste. When I do the taste, but I don't want to see you preparing it. But you won't know. If I watch you take it out and put it in the oven, I will know.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm crafty like that. Fucking stupid wank. Seriously, so I got... Get it out. As our brand... Oh, can't pull it out of your fridge. Goodfellas.

Wait there, one go. There fridge. Goodfellas. Wait there. One go. There's the Goodfellas. So I bought... I was meant to buy three pizzas. I bought five. Because the cheapest one, which I'll show you in a second, only comes in packs of three.

Well, they won't go to waste. No. We're not going to be cooking all of these wholly. We're going to cook a quarter of each. You can save the rest. You can have some. I'll take some home with us. Happy days.

Happy days. So, as our brand today, we have got Goodfellas Classic Crust Takeaway. So, it's a takeaway style. The big cheese. What's the difference between a takeaway and a not a takeaway style? I think it's the bread. I think they use a kind of bread that is softer, maybe, and slightly floppier. I'd be interested to know that.

You know that. It's weird why you'd say it's takeaway because it's... And look, they've done a little detailing on the side to make it look like a cardboard box. Yeah. Weird. Weird. So it's like it's sort of fetishising takeout, but it's not takeout. Do you know what I mean?

I was in Pret-a-Manger today. Do you know in Pret you can say make it strong on a coffee 50p or add a shot 50p isn't that the same thing we're through the looking glass here people

depends on what a shot is it might be caramel or something no no they mean a shot of espresso and so does make it stronger

means add a shot of espresso and add a shot means add a shot of espresso two separate items on the menu. Maybe Josh off. What? Someone's putting Spunk in the coffee? Do you want an extra shot?

Yeah, I'll have an extra shot. Oh, fucking hell, man. Is there anything else you can ever think of? Honestly? No. That's something that is... It's amusing. It doesn't involve Spoff.

You don't have to You don't have to fucking Lay spoff on everything Right I think I'll find I disagree on that This is The first pizza is the good fellas

This is our on brand This is brand brand Now It's Oven 180 We're doing 200 They'll all time out the same

16 to 18 minutes Okay So that's our first one. And this is the first off-brand item. This is the first... Say again. This is the first off-brand item. Tell us about it.

This is Trattoria Alfredo. Take away. So it's the same style. You've gone for the same style of all of these, so there's an even playing field. They're going for the same thing. This is Four Cheese Feast. Now, that's just a big cheese, which means lots of cheese.

This is a four cheese so it might have different cheeses on. But do you ever really notice the difference when you have a pizza like that? The cheeses, do you go all that?

I never think, oh that's this cheese and this is that cheese. Do you ever? It's all just gooey cheese, isn't it? It's like gooey cheese. Spoff.

Jizzy, jizzy, spoff, boff, jizzy. Shut up. I only make those gags to just get at you. Oh God. I only make those gags to scare you. So, four cheese feast, it says. Pizza, slice and share for 18 minutes. I wonder what takeaway style is, as opposed to what, you know what I mean?

With a blend of mozzarella cheddar, Emmental, Monterey Jack on a stone baked pizza base. So, not too dissimilar to the pizza takeaway style. Monterey Jack is a smoked cheese. I bet I can taste which one that is because of the smoked cheese okay interesting so i don't know anything about trattoria alfredo but obviously i've only ever seen these sold in i think i want to say iceland as well but definitely aldi which is where i got these from bird's eye mate oh it's a bird's eye brand bird's eye brand ah now the brand that you didn't manage to get, of course, is the one that started our conversation off about

this, really, and that is Dr. Utka. That's true, but I couldn't find any in time. Well, we'll ask someone other time, won't we, to report

back. Now, these were the ultra-cheap ones. These were three for like £2.50. But this is also Alfredo, so you're saying this is going

to be a more posh one, so I should be able to distinguish between the cheapest and and the and the other Alfredo yeah now it says stone baked which is what that one says it is but you know you look at the bread on that it does look like a cheaper bread it does it looks less thick and they're not showing the bread off are they they've a slice there they're showing their little bubbles in the bread as if it's like a homemade sourdough sort of thing. So, here's what's going to happen now.

I'm going to open three of these up, take a quarter from each one, so we'll have three quarters. We'll take a third from each, because there's three pizzas we're tasting. We're not going to have to eat a whole pizza, just a quarter, mate. Just a quarter. I got the shits. And you completely demolished your toilet earlier before we started. Mate, no one needs

to know about that i don't need to know about that so when i know everyone gets to know ladies gentlemen if you want the latest in bowel movement news for me like silverman gannon's your man yeah so mr grumbly uncle grumbly did the sauce report uncle grumbly sausage sauce okay it's jism right three pizzas, three pizzas. We've got three pizzas there. I'll be tasting that. I feel confident. It's not...

If we had Dr. Oka as well, this would be a good experiment. But I'm happy to taste these pizzas in a blind and see if I can taste which is the cheapest, which is the most expensive, and that's basically what I'm going to try and ascertain. You want to ascertain that from your testing. All right, okay.

So we're going to take a quick break while I cut these pizzas up and the oven continues to warm. We'll be back in a little while. Right, well, ah, yes, we're back. And quick as you like, the pizzas were ready in no time. In fact, actually, if I'm being very honest A bit quicker than I expected Because they...

You burnt them! Not burnt, they are... No, they are far from burnt Why are you dressed? I'm ready for action, baby You... I can't... What do you look like?

You look like an extra from Rambo 3 Willie Nelson That's it, Willie Nelson I look like Willie Nelson, don't I? You actually do look like an extra from Rambo 3. Willie Nelson. That's it, Willie Nelson. I look like Willie Nelson, don't I? You actually do look like Willie Nelson. Terrible. That's spot on. So, yes. Let's just explain to the listeners at home. What I've done is

I've tied a scarf around my forehead and look, Paul, because remember what segment of the show we're doing? It's a blindfold. That's why I've done that. I'll be taking pictures before and after. You should, though. It's a good look for you, to be fair. So, you know.

So, right. Okay, here's the plan. I've got the three pizza sections here. I'm putting the blindfold on. Excellent. The blindfold is on. You need to have a paper to write down the scores. No. I'll get you a pack. Oh, he's going to get some paper then.

So, yes, I've taken a quarter of each pizza of the three. They're cooked. They're ready. They're sliced so I can have one for me and one for Eli. And I'm going to give him, in no particular order, a bite of each one of those pizzas and see if he can figure out if he knows the brand from the off-brand or which one's

bestest which one i like the most yeah which one i like the most paul um let's just go over quickly again what the brands are right we started with oh i've put them in the fridge so bear with me i can tell you what they are goodfellas is the on brand that's the top class one cheese feast goodfellas takeaway style classic crust, the big cheese it's called. Then we have takeaway style... From Alfresco? Pretoria Alfredo. Alfredo.

Which is a bird's eye product. They're famous in this country for pancake rolls that people cook their knobs in. Crispy, Finner's crispy pancakes. Yeah, yeah. Finner's crispy pancakes. Someone cooked their knob in it because they tried to fuck it. But it was in the Sunday Sport, so... Ah, I like it. It's not a real story.

And then the final one was, um... Another... Just a cheese stone. Trattoria Alfredo product. But it was a pack of three, for £2.50. And how much was the other, the single Alfredo product, the four cheese feast? Well, that was £2, and that was £2.50, the Goodfellas.

Okay, but those you get three for £2.50. For the price of one Goodfellas takeaway, you get three of those. So, with that in mind... We're expecting those to be the cheapest and worst tasting, are we? Who knows? So let me just find a little bit of space. I'm going to make a note of Eli's

feelings, findings, discoveries we'll see how it goes, are you ready? Don the blindfold please Mr Silverman I'm ready now Can you see anything I'm doing? No, you're obviously putting a finger up or something, correct so you're cheating

No I'm not, I just know what you're doing I don't have to see so no, stop doing it, whatever it is it's disturbing, I'm not. I just know what you're doing. I don't have to see, so no. Stop doing it, whatever it is. It's disturbing. I'm coming out. I'm coming out. I wasn't doing anything. I was just getting you paranoid. Come on, don't get me paranoid. Right, are you ready? It's science.

Right, so I'm going to write down. This is cheese slice number one. Cheese slice one. Cheese slice number one. Now, let me just make a note of what this pizza slice is going to be first. You know which is which, do you? I do, yeah. Right, okay, here we go. I'm going slice is going to be first. Okay. You know which is which, do you? I do, yeah. Right, okay, here we go.

I'm going to give it to you in your hand. So, you... Also, what? Hand me the pizza. Now, it's cooled down a little bit. Okay. So... That's fine. It's still got some warmth in it. I'm giving it a smell. Sniff. I'm getting a burnt cheese sort of smell. Again, it is a slightly overdone, but not burnt.

It's not that bad, but you know. Very edible. There's a little herbiness behind that, you know. Yeah. Oregano-y. It's oregano-y. Oregano-y. And I'm going to go in.

Takes a big bite. He has a couple of chews. I'm also going to have a bite of this one, just because I'm hungry. Nice, rich, tomato-y flavour from the tomato sauce, wouldn't you say? Yeah, it's a little sweet. choose i'm also going to have a bite of this one just because i'm hungry nice rich tomatery flavor from the the tomato sauce wouldn't you say yeah it's a little sweet it's a little kind of sweet yeah not a problem but i think the sauce is kind of sweet and the bread is kind of sweet too that's quite nice tasting cheesy again maybe a little sweet on the on the sauce a bit wet isn't it there's quite a lot of tomato sauce there.

It's perfectly decent, but... Well, interestingly... I'm not differentiating any cheese in there. I did try to make sure that each segment had the kind of same amount of cheese. Now, some had more naturally than others, so I did my best. Did you want to give it out of five

just as a number to give it at this point? I'll give it two. I mean, it's decent. Okay. It's decent. Okay. It's decent. It's hard to say with the first one, isn't it? Well, you're going to have to make an announcement now. We can have all three and then make your decisions, all right?

So here is your next pizza slice. Here you go. I'm going to hand you the crust. Just let me have a little swallow. You ready? Yeah. I'm handing you the crust end. Here we go.

This is pizza number two. This has very little aroma at all. When I was getting a herby, cheesy aroma off the first slice, I'm struggling to detect any kind of huff on this at all, which is weird. Yeah, you're right. There's not much going on. We're eating. I like pizza.

It tastes like ragu sauce. It's got an almost artificially, almost like it tastes like an artificial sweetener in the part of the sauce. Do you know what I'm saying? Kind of, yeah. It's got that sweetness again. Now I'm starting to think,

do you want to hear what I'm starting to think? Please, please. I'm starting to think the first one was our brand, was the Goodfellas. Okay. Because it had a kind of, you know, it all fell together. The bread was sort of decent and the sauce was kind of nice.

Compared to this, which has less flavour, because the half is the flavour, you know, the half is what delivers the flavour. This has less flavour and also the bread is more chewy doughy rather than springy. You know what I mean? And it seems less quality to me. So with that in mind, you did rate the first one two out of five. Where would you stand on that now you've had this one?

I'd maybe push that up to three and put this at two. I don't think this is the cheap, cheap, cheap one, though. I think my guess would be the first one was the Goodfellas and then this one is the more expensive of the Trattoria Alfredo ones. Right, well, in that case, it's time to move on. It's time to move on to our last... Again, but even less differentiation on the cheese than the first one. Just to interrupt you just one second.

I have to hold the mic in front of you. I appreciate that. I hold it while you eat. I do, however, get sprayed with fucking food in the face when you enunciate some particular hard Fs and Ts. And I think I've tasted the pizza via you rather than on my own right now. It's your own medicine.

And your beard right now looks like a 70s vagina. This is why it's an audio format. No one has to... Are you ready for your last slice? I like a 70s vagina. This is why it's an audio format. No one has to... Are you ready for your last slice? I am. Here we go. Here is the last slice. Eli, please give me your hand,

and I will hand you the crust edge first. Here we go. Now, I'm expecting this, from what we've had so far, for this to be the worst possible. But if this is better than the last one, depending on how much better it is, I might be swapping it around and saying that this is the... How about you just fucking eat it?

I think this is going to be the worst. Oh, it's got more huff than the last piece. Got a milky sort of cheesy huff. I'm eating pizza. This is great. This is the best one. What makes this the best one? It's got more generous cheese.

There's more of a sort of... You can taste the sauce, the cheese, the bread, all separately, working together more, rather than mulching. It just tastes like a better quality to me. The tomato sauce has got a bit more of a citrus sort of zest, a bit more tang to it, you know? I'm going to have to revise it, and i think this piece is the good fellas oh right this reminds me the most of a normal takeout pizza of all three we've

had so that's my top one out of just that what you're gonna rate that out of five four that's nice right so you've had all three slices of pizza now mr Mr. Silverman, and it's time to make... That's nice. That's a nice piece. I reckon that's got to be the Goodfellas. All right, well, let's make your announcements and pontifications at this point. Okay. So the first pizza you had today, you rated three out of five. What pizza do you think it is? Do you think it's the ultra-cheap, the Goodfellas,

or the one in the middle? The one in the middle. Okay. That's the Alfredo, The Cheese Feast Alfredo. The next one you rated two out of five. It's the cheapest one. It's just bland. It was bland. There was no... The cheese had no distinguishment.

You know, I couldn't identify the cheese really. And the bread was very doughy. Cheap tasting doughy bread. The other two had some spring in the bread. Okay, so that means you say the Goodfellas is the final. That's the three for one is the middle one, yeah? Yeah. Just so we know. The other two had some spring in the bread. Okay, so that means you say the Goodfellas is the final. That's the three for one is the middle one, yeah? Yeah.

Just so we know, the cheapest. Yeah. Yes. That's the off-brandest of off-brand. That is indeed. Now, then you say the Goodfellas, therefore, is the last one you had. Which was the one I preferred as well, which was the tastiest. And again, it had the most distinct sort of cheese flavour. And, I mean, there's no way for me to avoid saying amplitude.

He said it. Right. All right, take off your blindfold, Mr. Silverman. It's time for the results. Now, if this were a, I don't know, price of shite, I would happily say to you, it's a petwing party right now going on. You are going to petwing town.

Really? Yeah. So, what a shame we can't have petwings on this bit. party right now going on. You are going to Petwing Town. Really? It's so... What a shame we can't have Petwings on this bit, but we can't because it's not really a competition,

is it? No, but let's... Just for now. Just for now, can I have some fake Petwings? You can have some Petwings.

Okay. You said the first one was the second. It was the Alfresco takeaway style four cheese pizza. You rated three out of five.

Eli Silverman. Petwing. It's a per twing then you said the second one was the cheapest of options the three multi-pack £2.50 for three

I'd be very surprised if I'm wrong on this if that was the good fellas it can't be it can't be well Eli Silverman it pains me to say that per twing

yes I got all three right. So that means the last one is Goodfellas. Petwing, petwing, petwing. I just want to thank, you know, God and everyone who's provided the pizzas today. Thank you, Paul. And this segment is back with a bang. And here, I think he's coming in now.

He's coming in, ladies and gentlemen. He's coming in. Ruffity ruff. Ruffity ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruffity ruff, well done, hello, yep, round off, that's me, problems, but no, we're okay. Right, back on, where am I? Well, calm down, you're just here to congratulate Eli Silverman for getting 3 out of 3. Yes, I remember. Eli, if I were that way inclined, I would boff you off.

I really would spoff my broth off, brand off into your boff-off hole. Mr. Brandoff. What is it now, you fucking bitch? Your three o'clock sailor who wants sucking off. All right, okay, got to go. Nice to see you, Paul. Well done, Eli.

Ruff, ruff, ruff. Shall I keep fluffing him till you get here? Yeah, please. Ruffity, ruffity, ruffity, ruff, ruff, ruffity, ruff, ruff. I'm out. Fuck off. So, Eli, with that all said, forgetting about the fact that for £2.50 for a Goodfellas pizza, not bad, not bad at all.

How do the others stack up, though? Would you, for instance, if you're on a budget and that pack of three was available for £2.50, would you go with that, or would you maybe get the second-off brand one, the other four pieces? I'd get the second-off. What's the difference between...

How much was it for three? For three, it was like £2.50. So they're each 75p each and the what how much is the most expensive the good two pound fifty for the good fellas on its own and then the uh the middle tier one was two pound on the nose i think the middle tier is probably the best value and certainly if you don't have the money to throw around pizza wise but that's it what i mean there's not that much of a difference no i mean the thing, the thing is there's a bigger difference in taste, I'd say, than there is in price. So

I would say you go for the Goodfellas. Just splash out another... You can then spend £2.50 in total. £3.50. How much was the Goodfellas? It was £2.50. Yeah. I mean, what? You're going to spend £2.50? I mean, if you do want to... I mean, look, all I'm saying is... How much is a pizza, like a proper pizza from a take-out?

It's got at least a tenner. Yeah, at least a tenner, but yeah, £11.12... I mean, look, all I'm saying is... How much is a pizza, like a proper pizza from a takeout? It's got at least a tenner. 11, 12... Yeah, at least a tenner. But yeah, 11, 12 quid usually. So ultimately, I think if you're absolutely on a budget, I think it's not... They're not horrible, the cheap ones, the three-pack. No, it wasn't horrible.

It was very bland. And you could pimp it, to be fair. Yes, I would... I mean, I generally do, as you know. But I would get the hot sauce all over that shit. In fact, you know what? We might come back to the Paul's Pizzeria because I feel like what we could do is take a cheap pizza and pimp it. We could pimp the pizza and I would love to put Dr. Oetker up against the Goodfellas.

All right, well then we're coming back to pizza land. Dr. Oetker is a German brand, but it is the best selling home whatever, you know. Frozen pizza. Frozen pizza in the whole planet. Dr. Oogdka. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming back to the Piss Pizzeria sometime in the future. I'm thrilled.

Eli's thrilled. I'm on top of the world. What I've done there is I've guessed every single one correctly with my mouth parts. Ooh, ladies. And he's so excited, he's going to go next door and put those eggs right up his arse, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, let's see you do it.

Shut up. Tiki, tiki, tiki. We've got to do a Twitch, come on. All right, we've got to do a Twitch, ladies and gentlemen. So let's hand back very quickly to us in the studio saying goodbye. Goodbye. Congratulations, Eli. Sterling effort.

Yes. And that's it for Cheap Show we have to make this quick because we're about to do Twitch which means nothing to you because you're listening to this in the future

when we've already done it but anyway thank you for listening if you want to help don't interrupt me if we want to get through this real quick and then don't fucking complain about

how long it's taken I will I swear to God insert every one of those Tomy eggs up or in you in some respect is that a threat fucking complain about how long it's taken. I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining. I will. I swear to God. You will. Insert every one of those Tomy eggs up or in you in some respect. Is that a threat

or an offer? It's an offer. Right, so. All right, I won't interrupt, okay? Yes. I'm sorry. If you would like to help

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stuff loads of stuff what else if you want to email us about anything maybe your own tales on the shop floor

anecdotes something we've missed I've got this I've got this Paul yeah www.

that's our website alright alright cheap show dot com fucking wretched prick is it not no if you want to email us at our website alright cheepshow.com you fucking wretched prick

is it not no if you want to email us it is thecheepshow at gmail.com gmail.com

if you want to go to our website where pictures and videos can be held for each episode it is thecheepshow.co.uk thank you

and we're on instagram and facebook and twitter at thecheepshowpod I'm at paulgannonshow Eli is

Eli Snoid E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D and that's all for now I think bye bye bye

thanks for listening no I don't know what that means just stop it you