CheapShow - Ep 162: Murder On The Cheap Eats Express

Episode Date: January 24, 2020

All aboard for a train trip you'll never forget! Although the "Cheap Eats Express" looks luxurious enough, it hides a deadly secret. This week, Paul & Eli board the train, thinking they are in for a nice, relaxing journey... But instead, they will come face to face with a gruesome murder! Who will be that tragic victim? Who is the killer? It's going to be one hell of a journey for the Cheap Chaps, as they meet a cast of CheapShow "favourites", dodge bullets, battle to the death atop the train itself and maybe, just maybe, find out "whodunnit". Somehow... they also manage to cram in a Price of Shite and a Cheap Eats Segment too. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-162-murder-on-the-cheap-eats-exp If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

Oh, we're nearly there. I'm getting excited. Where is this, even? What do you mean, where is this? Well, look. What, we're on a lovely country road. I don't like it. We're on a lovely country road,

and we're nearly at the station, and I'm excited, Eli. What? What is this all about, anyway, Paul? What the fuck am I... We won a competition. I didn't want to get up this early. I was working last night.

I'm hungover. You're always hungover. You're always hungover. You're always hungover and drunk and you stink. You're drunk, you're hungover, you stink, and you have a drug problem. You're drunk, you stink, you have a drug problem and you don't like morning.

Is this some kind of intervention? You can just tell me now if it's a fucking intervention. We won a competition. We won best podcast. We won a competition. We won best podcast. We won a competition. We won best podcast ever in some award. I didn't even enter it,

but we won best podcast. You didn't enter it? No, it's just someone. Sorry, this, sorry? I got a letter in the post. Let's be clear. What's going on? Why am I on this country road with you

walking towards an obscure train station? Well, this is what we call exposition. So here we go, right? So I got a letter in the post the other day. Right. And it said, Congratulations, Paul and Ellie. You have won...

You have won a all-expenses trip on the Cheap Eats Express. So what? Are you going to refund my fucking train ticket to Wrexham? Why did you go to Wrexham? To come out here. I came up Wrexham, then I came out here. No, did you... Anyway Wrexham? To come out here! I came up Wrexham then I came out here!

No, did you... Anyway, let me just tell you... Where are we? I'm trying to tell you! Let's have more exposition please! It's happening! Here we go! So I got a letter that says...

We've won a competition, have we? Best podcast ever from the United Kingdom Podcast Initiation Award And it says you have won two tickets. I won't. Two tickets for what? Two tickets to go on the Cheap Eats Express, leaving from Little Piddle on the Wold station. Well, we're not in Little Piddle on the Wold yet. No, we had to get off at the main station, didn't we, and walk.

This is Crofton Valley. Well, we've walked through Crofton Valley, and I didn't like Crofton Valley. No, we've walked through Crofton Valley and I didn't like Crofton Valley. No, bad vibe. Weird vibe. Witch vibe. Did you see that rabbit corpse?

Yeah. I fucked it. It's all strung up. I fucked it. You didn't fuck it. Crofton Valley, I'll be glad to see the back of Crofton Valley.

That's the fucking rabbit. Have you ever heard of the fucking rabbit in a town like this? We're not in Crofton Valley anyway, look. Well, in that case I broke the law.

I shouldn't have fucked that rabbit. No, you shouldn't have. broke the law. I shouldn't have fucked that rabbit. No, you shouldn't have. So we just came through Crofton... Crofton Valley, yeah. But what was that one before that?

Spats. Yeah, and then there's Spats on the Y. Yeah. And then there's Skrolkenblag. No. Yeah, we had to avoid that one.

That was very bad. Yeah, no, that was. Yeah, but then there's Truffle. Truffle? That was a lovely little place. Truffle's nice. Truffle has charm. Yeah, I like Truff one. That was very bad. Yeah, but then there's Truffle. Truffle? That was a lovely little place. Truffle's nice. Truffle has charm.

Yeah, I like Truffle. What was that little... The satellite turn to Truffle. What was that? It was a suburb of Truffle. It was called... No, it was called Cunt and Funk. No, that's an album, I think.

Cunt and Funk. No, that's an album. Oh, sorry. It may be an album. Portishead is a band, isn't it? Oh, C-O-N-T-O-N. Cunt and Funk, yeah. No, Cunt and Funk Portishead is a band, isn't it? As well as the actual town, Portishead, isn't it? C-O-N-T-O-N. Conton Fonk, yeah.

Conton Fonk. No, you're pronouncing it wrong. It's Conton Fonk. Where are we now, anyway? We're nearly at the station, anyway. We've just got another couple of feet to go, and I believe the station's around the corner. That's what my Google phone's telling me, anyway.

Hopton Trough. Any more? Craghole McVan. I'm not done. Go on. Any more little villages that you saw on the way? There were lots of little villages. Yeah, lovely little places.

Choggy, chog, chog. Choggy, chog, chog. Choggy, chog, chog. Yeah. That's not... So what? We've won a competition. Yeah.

And we're going on a train. Yeah, we're going to go on an all-expenses trip. And what village are we meant to be getting the train in again, Paul? Well, this is it. Little Piddle on the Wall. Oh, here it is. Yeah. Oh, there it is.

See, there's the station. It's a very small village. It just seems to be just the station, doesn't it? Well, I think it is just the station. I just think that's all the station is. I don't know. It's a bit eerie out here, isn't it? There's a little man over there.

What's he doing? Little man? Can you help us? Is this the station for Little I don't know. It's a bit eerie out here, isn't it? There's a little man over there. What's he doing? Little man? Can you help us? Is this the station for Little Piddle on the Wald? Yeah! Oh, that's what you're doing for a character. Shut up. It's a minor character.

He has to fuck off. He's a grumbly little man. It's weird. All you do are grumbly little man It's weird All you do are grumbly little men You said little man, didn't you? How am I meant to have a conversation with a man who just growls? Oh look, here comes the vicar Oh, hello

Hello, vicar Hello, boys What are you doing out here? We're just, we won a competition We're getting on the cheap express Yeah, we're getting on the cheap express Pizza express We're getting on pizza express No, we're getting on the Cheap Eats Express. Pizza Express. We're getting on Pizza Express.

No, we're not. Hashtag not spawned. We've been told to come to this station for the Cheap Eats Express. Does it come through here? I believe so, but beware. Beware of what, Vicar? Sorry?

Beware of the curse of the Cheap Eats Express. Ah, I see. On the nose, it's a curse. The train is cursed, is it? Or murder. It might be murder. It might be murder. Murder.

Fucking hell. Either way, I'm sure you'll have quite the adventure. I'm off now. Bye. Bye, Vicar. Bye. God bless you. Bye.

I'm flying. I'm flying. Wow. What if he goes? He's off into the sky. I've never seen a priest fly. He had some nice membranes On those wings didn't he

Nice Nice Nice oily Filleted They were oily membranes Fucking hell Oh Filleted membrane vicar

Filleted membrane vicar Paul He might be our Brand new favourite character No he's Well maybe He wasn't very good No he wasn't

Alright so We're in Little Piddle on the Wall So I guess Do we need to get Buy a ticket No I've got a ticket here He might be our brand new favourite character. Well, maybe. He wasn't very good. No, he wasn't. All right, so. But we're in Little Piddle on the Wall, so I guess. Do we need to get by a ticket? No, I've got the ticket here. There's no ticket gate, is there? No, no ticket gate. You just have to wait on the platform. What time is it?

It's, I don't know. What time is it meant to be in this world? What would you like it to be? Three o'clock? Yeah. Well, it's three o'clock and the train should be here any minute now. What? Ooh.

Bing, bing, bong, bong, bong. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum It doesn't sound like an announcer. Right. Oh, I understand it perfectly. This whole world, that little man, and now this. It's all fucking weird, mate. It is very weird, isn't it? Fucking bizarre. What a strange thing.

Little piddle on the wold. Yeah, anyway. What's a wold? It's what I remove from my penis. Right, okay. What's a wold? I thought I had to remove my penis. Right, okay. I hope this train arrives because this fucking loony tunes town is driving me nuts. That's what he was saying. He said the train is now approaching platform one.

Oh, you could understand him, could you? It's a very tinny tannoy. Oh, there I heard it then. There we go. Right, here we go. Well, I hope there's some good food. It is the Cheap Eats Express. Yes, and I hope they have a shop on board as well.

Did they say they're going to give us some food or what's going on? I don't know. Where's it going? It doesn't say much more than just the tickets. What does it say the destination is, Paul? Do we have to come back to fucking Little Piddle-on-the-Wall to go home or what? You know what? That's a good point.

Oh, look is like an old school train, isn't it? Um, Bobby Bullocks, you fucking train driver, get the fuck on, lads. We're going to Party Town. Okay. Right, come on then. Let's get on the train. Did bring your bags yeah great all right cool we'll get i'll tell you oh there's a lot quite a lot of it oh let's get your bag on paul all right come on all right what you're doing why is your penis out now oh because I'm fucking jacking it on the station. Come on.

Listen, I don't want to be fucking, you know. You don't want to be fucking, you know. Leaking. Leaking. Jizz whiz. Well, it depends on what happens. Well, I just want to get it out now. Come on, you two.

Get the fuck on this train now. I'm about to pull out. Sorry. As the bishop said to the choir boy. Thank you very fucking much. The flying bishop? No, he's a vicar. Oh.

I think. I wasn't there when the scene happened. Okay. In the logic of this show. Now get out of the fucking tree. All right. All right, let's get on. ¶¶ ¶¶ © BF-WATCH TV 2021 so oh it's very nice train it a very nice train.

It's a very nice train. I'm surprised. Look at the leather finish. Listen, you can hear the train. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, che Eats train. I've heard about this train, but I've never got the chance to go. Yeah, it's amazing. It's lovely in here. It's very, like the brass fittings. It's called Cheap Eats Express,

but it looks like they've lavished some money on this. Yeah, they have. All the leathers on the walls and the brass fittings. Oh, it's got that new car smell. It has. But it's a new train. Yeah. It's an old train.

It's a new old train smell. It's a new train, old train smell train. Can I have my ticket, please? a new old train smell. It's a new train old train smell train. Can I have my ticket please? Yeah, here you go. It's the fucking Daddy Paul. Daddy Paul, I just want to have my own ticket. Look after tickets because

Daddy Paul, he thinks bed is deader. No, what's that word? Daddy Paul. Bed is deader. Paul. Dead is better. Can we step outside the imaginary podcast train for a second, please? We're staying in the narrative thrust of this story. Don't. Can I just say one little note?

Yeah, go on. Because we've been doing lots of characters in this particular episode, don't invent another character when I just say Daddy Paul. Daddy Paul said. Daddy Paul, go away. Stop inventing silly characters. Bye, Daddy Paul. Oh, he's gone off to see Flying Vicar.

For fuck's sake. Membrane Vicar. That's two new fucking characters. Yeah, don't worry. And what about Grumpy Little Man from Piss on the Wold or whatever the fuck it's called. Piddle on the Wold. Right, what's your seat number? There isn't one.

Is it no reservation so we can sit anywhere we like? Hey, you two. Ah. I want to punch your dick in. Ah, it's So you've heard you're doing some part-time work, are you a charity shop van? Wait.

And I want to suck your cock. Excellent. Right. So what? I thought you were just hanging around in challenge shops Yeah, I thought, what are you doing here? Well, I must admit, I needed the money Okay, so you're doing a bit of ticket collecting on trains, yeah? It's a cushy job Okay, well, we've got our tickets

Here's mine Ah, now Do you want to do something with that? I want to look at your ticket I want to look at your ticket. I want to stamp your ticket. Okay. And then, Eli, what do you think I want to do next? You probably want to suck my cock.

Oh, I want to suck your cock. Okay, good. Could you try maybe changing that up a bit? Yeah. Try changing that up a bit, maybe saying, I want to dash you off. Or, I'll take notes. Well, where do we sit? These tickets just say admit one. Avantou Joshua. Oh. Something like that. I'll take notes. Ah, ah, ah.

Well, where do we sit? These tickets just say admit one, like it's a fun fair. Yeah, weird. It's weird. So where do we sit? Well, you sit. Ah, yes. I think I know where to take you.

Okay, can you lead the way? Follow me through here. There are only two ways to fucking go, isn't it? Because we're on a train, so we could have worked it out. There are only two ways to go. Paul, why it? Because we're on a train, so we could have worked it out. There are only two ways to go. Paul, why do we have to follow this fucking weird vampire guy around? Because he seems to know what he's doing,

and if he knows where we're going to sit, let's just follow him. He's made overtures. Overtures? Yes. What does that mean? He's made implications. Oh, implications to what?

I don't understand. He wants to, you know... I want to suck your cock! Yeah, it's that. It's that, Paul. That's what I'm talking about. It's not an implication. No, okay. It's that, Paul. That's what I'm talking about. It's not an implication. No, okay.

It's an outright statement. It's a reality. I want to sup your chub. Sup your chud, eh? Yeah. Fucking chub my brug off. No, you can't add off to things, Eli. I can.

Make it a phrase. Watch me. No, I have to. Weekly. Chub my knob, chub. Yeah, right, great. Sup my chub. Yeah, come on, knob, job. Yeah, right, great. Sup, my... Yeah, come on, charity shop vampire, we're sick of this. Follow me.

Everyone's sick of this. We're going to have to go through first class. I'm starving, Paul. Oh, what? First class? Wow. No, no, he says we have to go through... Yes, you're not in first class, my friends. No? But we won a competition. Paul, why aren't we in first class?

We're the best podcast in the world ever I don't know, let's just take our seats And then we can think about food and everything else Follow me Oh, this is nice This is first class, it's very nice Oh, there's a pole dancer there Sticky Vicky's doing a dance.

Sticky Vicky. No. Still at it. Yeah. It's Sticky Vicky. Sticking to the pole. Oh, Vicky. Oh, Vicky.

There's a bar over there. That's nice as well. That's a lovely little bar. I didn't know you could get that in first class. Oh, wait. Don't look at him. Who? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

Oh, God. So I said I said It can't be sexual harassment If I've paid you I mean, can it? You know, I mean God Ruff, ruff, ruff

Hello, Mr. Brandoff How are you? Oh, hello there, Paul Oh, Eli, there you are Hello Good to see you, young son of mine He's your son? No

That's a new plot development He's not, no No I just was like saying, you know Ruff, ruff, ruff Son of mine. He's your son? No. That's a new part of development. He's not, no. I just was like saying, you know, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, son of mine. Just to have more respect for Eli than you, Paul, I have to say. Great. So what are you doing on this train now? You seem quite left-leaning.

To be honest. Well, I'm here with my client. Oh, shit. He's got a teen yeti with him. Hello. Hi. Why are you here? Why is everyone on this train? Well, you know, it's cheap. It's express. I always travel on it.

You know, it's luxury. Where does this train go? It goes to, uh, the, uh, yeah. Well, I get on about grot pants. Oh, of course. I've got my own personal little station built into the mountain over the grot pants. Yeah. But anyway, I was thinking of going a bit dirtier. Something like, I've been dropping bars in my head, you know.

Dropping bars in your head? Well, writing lyrics in your terminology. Oh, writing lyrics. Right, so it's like, a tina, suck the sauce from my spaghetti. Something like that. That's quite nice. Actually, it's cleaneri sucked the sauce from my spaghetti. Something like that. That's quite nice, actually. It's cleaner than your usual lyrics, though.

Tin yeti. You need to say the word vajaji, I think. Oh, right. Yeah, I can work that in, yeah. Don't barge me. I'll kick you in your vajaji. A tin yeti. You can suck the sauce right off my spaghetti.

Right, this is still a horrible character. I just don't like it. I'm saying Yeti, yeah. So I got him out of GotBank. It's nice to see you, Eli. Yeah, you've been quiet, haven't you, Eli? Why's that? Oh, well, I'm just a bit starstruck, actually, Paul. Look, he's got fucking great lyrics. No, he doesn't have fucking great lyrics.

No, thank you, Mr. Yeti. Good. Good to see you. So why are you both on this train, then? Well, I own this train. Oh, do you? Yes. I thought you lost all your rail train lines in the 90s. I did, but I kept this one in my personal portfolio.

But why are you with Teen Yeti, though? You don't often work together, do you? Well, I've recently taken on some management roles in the music industry. Oh, really? Teen Yeti is a rising star as well as an established brand. Eh. Oh, God. Eh, Mr. Brandoff. Yes, Carol.

Um, do you want... What am I doing? No, I do want something, Carol. Yes, what do you want? You to shut up. Right. Shut up. Am I still fired

You are completely fired Forever Oh Internally fired I'm not even very good At cameos You're not Bye

Anyway so You know Just trying to I just To be fair mate I just wanted to do a character Because it's a stalker At the moment

Oh well I'm Teen Yeti So yeah So let me get this straight He is now representing You Teen Yeti Yes It yeah. So let me get this straight, he is now representing you, Teen Yeti? Yes, it's good, I'm on the Brand Off Enterprises label now, you know, they can put out, he's got good market access,

the United States market, been trying to, you know, move in there, trying to get some guest spots from singers, oh. Oh, you're a wanker. Oh God, no. Oh Christ. What's wanker. Oh, God, no. Oh, Christ. What's this? Who's this? Who's this hairy?

It's me. Adolescent Sasquatch. I'm also in first class. I'm also dropping a track. Oh, yeah. I've got big bars. You haven't got fucking big bars. You haven't got bars to drop.

I've got big bars. You haven't. You're an imposter. I'll show you fucking big bars. You haven't got bars to drop you. I've got big bars. You haven't. I've got big bars. You're an imposter. I'll show you my big bars. I taught you everything you know. Guess what? You are me three years ago.

Oh. You are. Oh. Your hair is not sweaty and your wagon nuts have no consistency. Oh, well, here we go. Your dirty poo balls don't dry out in the wind like a proper winnet. Oh, his rhymes are weak, just like spaghetti. He's the lamest teen yeti.

Now, listen, you. That's what I say. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Listen, ruff. Listen. You get up. Look, this is a private train. I don't know what you're doing.

I'm allowed to be here, too. I also have a record deal. I also have a hot bar. You better. Right. I'm going to get security, my own personal militia in here. Eli, can we get out of here quickly, please? Yeah, let's.

Because this is fucking doing my head in. Oh, no, look. That fucking guy's coming down now. Shit. I'm going to get out of the way. This is fucking ridiculous. Let's get out of the way. I want you to get out of this carriage.

Okay. I'm here. What seems to be the problem, Mr. Brandoff? Well, actually, I'm being. Who's this guy? I'm being oppressed by. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Now, you must the problem, Mr. Brandoff? Well, actually, I'm being... Who's this guy? I'm being oppressed by... Ruff, ruff, ruff. Now, you must... Oh, he's got to say nothing, can he?

Freddy, just get rid of him. Guess what? You're all going to pay... Now, you listen to me, okay? ...when my track drops. No, you listen to me, you little hairball. Just so you know, when my latest hit drops, you'll all pay. Now, you listen to me. You'll all pay.

It's going to be a hot track. I'm not a violent man by nature, but I do have deep needs. I've got needs in me. And you better go. I'm kicking you off the train at the next station. You couldn't possibly.

And I just have one other thing to say right now. My asshole. Here we go. This is what you're waiting for, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on tight. Oh. My asshole. Here we go. This is what you're waiting for, ladies and gentlemen. Hold on tight. We're getting there. Here we go. My asshole.

Winking. Oh, bit of subversion. Winking. I've got a winking back passage. Oh, a winking back passage. I went through that village. Yes, my winking back. My winking, and it's kissing the fur.

My winky asshole's kissing my panties. Whatever you guys are doing, can me and Eli just go through, please? Because this is all... No, you must listen to this. I've got the denim rub-rubs so bad in my downstairs quarters. I got the nip-nips on the chaff-chaff. Can you just say your fucking catchphrase? Everyone wants to hear it.

You know what? I'm Freddy Goon and I'm hard in the downstairs area. Hey, underwhelming. Now, you come along, you... Snort! You little monkey! Snort! I shall go and have my own accords.

Snort! I will be violent! Snort! I'll prod you in the eyes with my chafe holes. Just so you know, I'm also hard downstairs as well. But with superior intellect.

Snort! I'm going, don't you worry, I'm going. You better go! Don't make me get violent. Alright, he's gone. Can we fucking go now? He's gone, Mr Brandoff. Yes, follow me boys.

Follow me! Oh, thank God, I hate that fucking little fucker, you know. I've all shook up and I'm tried to write lyrics here on the train. Mr Brandoff! I've forgotten me keys! Argh, this fucking woman! Follow me boys, follow me through to standard class! Okay, I'm glad to. Paul, did you...

Phew, that was all a bit contentious. I didn't like the tone in there, mate. What's going on? I don't know. I thought it was going to be a nice little trip, trip, trip, trickity trip, trickity trickity trip. I couldn't get the words out.

I thought it was going to be a lovely little trip, just a solitary quiet... I didn't know what to expect. This is all sounding very suspicious. It's a bit sort of intense back there. Yeah. Anyway, let's go through

to standard class. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, God. Oh. Oh. What on earth? Is that spoff? Oh, there seems to be spoff everywhere in here. I recognise the smell of spoff.

Mate, it's dried, though. Yeah. It's like some stale. It's all crumbly. It's crumbly spoff. It's crumbly, bumbly spoff. Oh, it seems to be all over. This is.

Oh, God. Is this standard class? This must be. This is a markdown, isn't it? It's from bloody first class. This is like. It's like the opposite. It stinks in here, God. Is this standard class? This must be. This is a markdown, isn't it? It's from bloody first class. This is like... It's like the opposite. Stinks in here, though.

It sticks in here. Yeah, we've established that. It's grubby. It's like the House of Pickles became a train carriage. It's gross. Ugh. Oh, God, you can...

Oh, God, look at... Oh. What? Grumpy Sessions, the poor bastard. Grumpy Sessions, yeah. Yeah. Say hello. Say hello to him. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. And now in the show bastard. Grumpy Sessions, yeah. Yeah, say hello. Say hello to him.

Uh, oh, hello. And now in the show, we cut to the moment we like to call the Hall of Eli's, where Eli goes through a cornucopia of his characters. So here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Have fun. Hello, Mr. Sessions. Oh, hello. Yes, hi. Oh, it's exciting. They called me up yesterday and said, oh, Mr. Sessions,

I thought, oh, is this some work, wow, is it gonna be some work for me, well, they said, yeah, just appear as yourself, it's not very often that happens, I once appeared with my mother, I was, uh, it was a, it was a school of fate, and I, uh And she invited me along with her. She had some jam. And I was in her coattails. I was actually underneath her dress, really. And it was all powdery. There you go, you broke.

How long was that? About 30, 40 seconds. Nice. Well done. He's gone. Ladies and gentlemen, he's gone. The Hall of Eli's is already broken. It's already gone. He's gone. Ladies and gentlemen, he's gone. The Hall of Eli's is already broken. It's already gone.

It's fine. Is it? It's fine. Yeah? Are you sure? It's fine. Just cut that out. No, the skin stay in the picture.

No, no. Yeah. Anyway, yes. Yeah. Grumpy, it was very old, my memories And my mother seemed to involve powder Powder? What does that mean?

Chalk, and I don't know I'm free associating now as Grumpy Sessions So what are you doing on this train? I'm just going along Grumpy Sessions Not really a main player in anything anymore Oh, that's a shame, Grumpy Sessions I don't know player In anything anymore Oh that's a shame Grumpy Sessions

I don't know I thought you were In my flat in Pimlico I thought you were Doing that pop video With Adolescent Sasquatch Oh yeah There was that

It was only minor role You know I just sort of Oh he told me It was going to be A much bigger role Why didn't you get a big role I was the talc fairy

Oh that's a great track Of his talc fairy Yeah I don't know. This music's too new for me. I like it. That's a shame. I like a nice, easy listening album.

My mother used to listen... Have we done enough of this character? No, no, no. I've got something else to say. I'm going to be session. Okay. My mother used to listen to James Last albums. She'd put that on the old phonograph and then...

There you go. She'd get the powder out. She got the powder out. Grumpy Sessions. Nice to see you, too. Hello, Eli. Yeah, Eli, you've been quiet. Well, it's just Grumpy Sessions.

He's value, isn't he? No. Thank you, Grumpy. We'll leave you alone, Grumpy. Okay, yes, good, good. Nice to see you, boys. Bye. Right, who's over there? Oh, tell you what, let's get this character out of the way. Oh, it's Storytime Grandad. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, chewing testicles.

So it is. So it be. Hi. Have you got a story for us today? Oh, you know what? Being on this train reminds me of the war, so it does. Yeah, does it? In what way does it? In what way does it that gets you to eating testicles?

There's so many memories. So there is. There's so many memories. And do they all involve ball nub? Story time, grandad. Yeah, eating balls. Eating genitalia. Yeah, there we go.

It's good nourishment, you know, so it is. It's not. It is. Can I ask you a question? Listen, have you been, so have you been starving to death? Storytime Grandad. Can I ask you a question? So I am.

In your lifetime. Here I am, so I am. In your lifetime. Storytime Grandad. In your lifetime. Yes, my lifetime. How many? Oh, there's a lot of things happen me like

So there has so the whole bully there's a lot of stories I could tell you Story time granddad all involving bollock guzzling. I do know things I story time granddad's got other things go on No, he doesn't He doesn't have he doesn't even have that. Can I ask you a question? I've got a question for you. I've always wanted to ask you this. Ask me what my pipes made of. In your lifetime, how many balls have you eaten?

Rough number. It doesn't have to be accurate, obviously. But are we talking hundreds? No, I'll tell you something. I'll tell you something. Back during the war, you didn't know when your next meal was going to come. You know what, Storytime Grandad? Yeah, what?

As ever, this character has failed you and the show. So... I don't... Listen, it's not my fault. It's not your fault you're a shit character. Yes, it is. I'm just traumatised. So I was, young lad.

So I am. Sit down. All right. Sit down, Storytime Grandad. I'm Storytime Grandad. And he lied. You should be ashamed. Oh, Storytime Grandad.

Now, he's always found you, isn't he? No, he's not.. Oh, Storytime Grandad. Now, he's always value, isn't he? No, he's not. Right, who else is there? I'm looking forward to doing the standard class bit the most, because they're my favourite characters. Dead on arrival, dead on arrival. Fuck off. Right, who else is on this?

I don't need notes whilst we're doing this, yeah? That's not what this is about. We're meant to be professionals. Here we go. It's someone else on the train I'm looking forward to seeing. Why, it's Madam Lady Plops. Oh, look, the squishy gyms. Hello, Madam Lady Plops.

Oh, fancy seeing you here. I know. I thought I'd take the day out on the choo-choo train today. Ah, yes. And maybe do poo-poos on the choo-choo. Ah, do poo-poos. That's not starting, because I thought the smell when we came in here was almost like some lady plop activity been happening. No, I've yet to drop the plop. Darling, wake up. We've got some guests and visitors. You remember Paul and Eli. Hello.

Did the waking up bit. Wake up, dear. What? Who needs squishing? It's Paul and Eli, dear. Oh, Squishy Jim just woke up, dear. What? Who needs squishing? It's Paul and Eli, dear. Oh, Squishy Jim just woke up. Hello. Yes, dear. Is there poo need squishing in?

Yes. I've been thinking about how to squish it in. Yes, well, darling. On the train, there's a few challenges. Yes, darling. Darling. I love you. I love you, darling.

Oh, I love you, darling. I love you, my sweet. You are the meaning for me of my life, you put the meaning into me. When I put my squishy boots on in the morning, I go, Squishy Jim, just be thankful, yeah? I have a little talk with myself, I say, Squishy Jim, just be thankful that someone poos on the floor so beautifully, so beautifully, so elegantly. You are, dear, if you don't mind me saying, you are the feet beneath my grumble. Oh, dear. Squishy Jim erect. No, no, darling, not here.

No, no, sorry, no. Fuck, Squishy Jim's got a lot of control. Save it for later when I can roll one down my leg. I think I'll go back to sleep. You should go back to sleep, darling. Say hello to Paul and Eli first. Yes, hello, Squishy Jim. Hi, Squishy.

Good to see you back on top, mate. Nice to see you back on your feet. Squishy Jim trying to get some sleep. Let the poor dear sleep. Squishy Jim's got to have a dream. Squishy Jim's on a horse. Squishy Jim's on a horse. Squishy Jim's on a horse riding over a... When's he going to break? Oh no, he's done it already.

He's still going for it. He's still committing to this. Whatever this is. Riding a horse over a... A poo-poo is the planet. The poo is the planet and it's squishing. I'm squishing the horse's shoes, squishing right through. Squishing right through, falling through.

Squishing. Yes, he does this a lot. It's a bit nerve-wracking at first, but you get used to it. Yeah, he seems to be suffering from night terrors. Yeah, it's a dear infliction. Ever since... The troubles. Yes.

Ever since then, he's had a bit of an insecurity issue. How's his squishing, though, madam? Oh, top form. Okay, good. He never lets me down on that. Look at those boots. Those boots are a piece of work. When you see that brown muck

squeeze out between his toes, like Play-Doh. Oh, does it barefoot, does it? He sometimes does it barefoot when he's in a sprightly mood. Oh, okay. And, yeah, when you see that...

Oh, Squishy Jim is sleek. When you see that brown muck form between the toes... Oh, Squishy Jim, Squishy Jim....it brings a tear to my eye. Oh, Squishy Jim's back. Squishy Jim is sleek. When you see that brown muck form between the toes. Oh, Squishy Jim, Squishy Jim. It brings a tear to my eye. Squishy Jim's back. Squishy Jim will be back. And a pop to my trousers.

Oh, Squishy Jim. Oh, Squishy, Squishy. Paul, let's just go sit down. Yeah, let's just go. Bye, Madame Lady Plops. Bye. I'm going to nosh you off in your sleep, Leaky Ken. And then I'm going to...

No, he's not Leaky Ken. Leaky Ken's coming up he's squishy Jim I'm going to knock you off in your sleep squeaky Jim you can't remember any of the names of anyone it's my age darling it's my age let's go sit down let's go sit down Oh where's the cherry shop's going to show us to his seat. I'll see. Is he there? I'm over here taking the ticket of Mr.

What is your name, sir? Yes, sir. L. Ken. Yes. Can you show me your ticket, sir? Well, here you go, mate. Wait a minute.

It says Pre-Cum John. Yeah, it says Pre-Cum John. But L. Ken is like Nom de Plume I'm travelling under. It's more of a trademark. So who bought this ticket for you, sir, today? Oh, Leaky Ken bought it for me. Also, he's back in the office.

Do you have the credit card it was booked with, sir? I don't... I've just got to make a phone call. All right? I've just got to make a phone call. Dad. Yes. It's pre-cum, John. I've got to make a phone call, alright? I've just got to make a phone call. Dad. Yeah, it's... It's pre-cum, John.

Uh, listen. I'm in a bit of a bind. You're going to have to put that through. Put it through. Listen, mate. Look, just... Just get the... Listen, just get the fucking...

Get the... The light already to light the warehouse of the come back. It's there. All the pre-cum. There's all pre-packaged pre-come in there. Just, it might... Sir, I'm going to have to ask you for the ticket. Sorry, mate. Or pay the price.

I'll pre-come, John, yeah? Mate, vampire, I'll pay for the ticket. Here you go. How much is it? No, nice. It is 32 pounds. Ah, ah, ah. It's 32 quid, which means I've got to put my pin in.

Oh, Paul, thank you. Nice to see you, by the way, mate. There you go. Is that paid? Wait, I'm waiting for the card to be accepted. Paul, I really appreciate this. The card is accepted. I now will go.

Perhaps to suck a cock. Oh, good. Good. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, thanks for that, Paul. Yeah, no worries. Leaky can? Precum John?

What's going on with this, mate? Well, you know, it's like... Sometimes certain markets expect a leaky can, but, you know, it's all pre-cum John at the end of the day. So what? There was no leaky can? There was a leaky Ken at one point, but I'd bought the business off him several years ago. So what happened to Leaky Ken?

He's fine. Yeah? Is he just living, what, a quiet life? I don't know. I've lost contact with him. So what do you do now? I don't go by the name Leaky Ken anymore. What do you do now, then? Do you still wipe your drippy foreskin on people's foreheads in the sleep? Yes.

Yeah? That's a delivery service I do. Do you still leave belly button droplets? Yeah, belly button droplets. Belly button droplets are a good one. Arm droplets. I like the sprinkles. I do sprinkles. Toe sprinkles.

I've moved into sprinkles. Do you still do lip splash? Yeah, lip splash flakes. Pool's broken. Pool's broken. Pool's broken Paul's broken Paul's broken lip splash got him it's just because

I've got a friend who really wants an ear gush and so I'm just wondering if you're still I could cover all of that just say the way you adjusted your cock never really upset me

look I'm in character you're getting into character yeah I'm Leaky Ken yeah well pre-cum John pre-cum John so do I call you can callum John. Pre-cum John, so...

Listen, you can call me John. You can call me John Paul. Now that you've invested, listen, I'll pay that back. Just a bit of a spot. I've got a bit of a spot. Well, I'm thinking. I paid the ticket, so...

Yeah, you were... You were owed a fucking lot of dried semen. Dried? I'm looking for a... You're looking for wet stuff? Wet and viscous. Add water.

Just add water. Yeah. Leaky Ken, patented, powdered spoff. So what, I just sprinkle it what i just sprinkle it on a few drops of water like magic you're gleaming and i glazed can i take that home is that something i can do at home listen i'll get it just get it out all right i'm gone this is good eli i'm getting dry spoff good paul yeah I found our seats. Great. Right, so what... This is my best. Oh.

Look at that. That's two pounds. What's that little baggie of brown stuff? I know some people, yeah. Yeah. Just look. Take the gift that I'm trying to offer you, yeah? Here's some dried...

Here's two pounds of dried spunk. That's the... That's the... Just add... Don't add too much water. Just a drop or two. Yeah. That's good for night work.

All right. Well, thanks for that. All right. And there you go. Look, here is half a little teaspoon... Oh! ...of the smegma. Now, this is experimental.

Oh, God! I'm getting a call. Sorry, Paul. I'm getting a call. Yes! Oh, that's very cheesy. Leaky Ken speaking. Get right in your teeth.

I'll be there tomorrow. Buy the old oak. Just stick it right in the old oak just stick it right in the old oak leaky ken put the bone in put the bone in right I'm going to

take my seat bye see you mate Eli Paul yeah I'm here I've got bags of dry spoff you do

it's the best day ever well that's well it could come in handy at some point I saw that it's weird it was leaky ken and then it's this

other guy he tried to explain it to me but I just zoned out did you make any sense to you no I just zoned out some point. I saw that. It's weird. It was Leaky Ken and then it's this other guy. He tried to explain it to me but I just zoned out. Did you make any sense to you? No, I just zoned out. I don't know. I don't understand. Bottom line is

I've got smegma on my teeth and two bags of spoff. So, win-win. Well, the smell's not so bad. Once you've been in here half an hour or so you get used to it. It's not too bad.

She's going to be shitting on the floor. She has been shitting on the floor. Have you not seen her raise her bum cheek up? Oh, God. Blop some old scat out. But think about it. When Leaky Count wakes up, no, what's his name? Squishy Jim.

Squishy Jim. They're all the fucking same, aren't they? They're not the same. They are all the fucking same. They're just consistent. They're all the fucking same. When Squishy Jim wakes up, he's got lots to squeeze in. There'll be lots underfoot for him to enjoy.

It's disgusting. I don't want to sit on the train. He's got a bag full of different types of shoes. Doc Martens, sneakers, platform, sandal. He's got some of those ones, those Nike, where they look like a glove for the feet as well. I bet that looks nice when the turds rise up through the toes. I don't want to talk about this.

Just interested. I've never really seen them do it. about this. Just interested. I've never really seen them do it. They talk about it but I've never really properly seen them do it. Great stuff. So, I don't know about you

but I'm getting hungry. You know we passed that food carriage on the way down food car. Yeah. You should go up there and see if you've got

any sandwich deals. I'm starving, mate. I had something in the station on the way here. Oh no, we grabbed something in Scrofton Harley. Yeah, yeah, we did.

We had a chicken... Chicken pasty. Chicken grabbed something in Scrofton Harley. Yeah, yeah, we did, we did, we did. We had a chicken... Chicken pasty. Chicken pasty in Scrofton Harley. Yeah. It was quite good, actually, wasn't it? I didn't think it was bad. Shall we get some food in the carriage, then?

Well, yes. Let's go. Right, here we go. Okay. Walking. Nice train. It's not a bad train at all. Right, open the door.

Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. Excuse me, sir. Do you have any sandwiches or anything like that, perchance? Oh, hello. Yes, it's me. Uncle Grumbly. And I'm serving a lovely, lovely treat. No, hang on.

Mr. Grumbly. Yes? Hang on one second. So what? You are working as what? I wash my hands. I wash them. Right.

I wash my hands in shit. So you're working here in the... In the food hall. In the buffet car. Yeah. In the cheap express, yeah. Sadly, the normal man became very poorly recently. What happened to him? He ate one of my cakes. Oh, yeah. Sadly, the normal man became very poorly recently. What happened to him?

He ate one of my cakes. Oh, yeah. Shit cakes, yeah. No. No, no, no. No? What was it, then? What was it if it wasn't a shit cake?

Yeah, it was a shit cake. It was a shit cake. But it also had spoff in it. Oh, okay, good. Doing a combo meal deal thing. So I stood in to apologise and keep this food cart a-trangling along. Wow. Is that it?

Don't worry, nothing I have here is made by Uncle Grumbly Enterprises. I cut Paul. I've washed me hands! I know. Mr Grumbly, I know. That's been your catchphrase. Right. I've washed me hands! Yes, yeah. Paul, look, if he's saying That's my new catchphrase. Have you washed my hands?

Paul, look, if he's saying he's got normal food, then let's just see what he's got. We trust him. This is a man who pre-masticates people's penises and puts them into a... Oh, don't do that no more. Okay. No, no, no. How could we? I don't want to eat anything he's been anywhere near. No. No.

How could we? I don't want to eat anything. He's been anywhere near. It's all above board, and it's all kind of clean. I wash me hands! God. I like that character. I hate that character so much. Let me shake you by the hand.

No. No, uncle. You're no uncle of mine. Yeah. I put the Unc Into gunk Oh that's better

I'm not writing this fucking character for you You're good though aren't you Are you going to serve us some fucking food So we can do the cheap eats section of this fucking show The shelf behind you has all the foods And stock so you have a little rumble And I'll go wash my hands in the back room. Here we go.

I've washed my hands. Paul, just reach over and grab us some sandwiches. All right, great. What's this? Why have they got these here? Tesco cheese and onion. They're just nicking stuff. They must have just gone...

They're just nicking stuff now. They must just gone... They're just nicking stuff now. They must have just stopped at a station. Alright, well, what's all this then? It's cheap, isn't it? It's cheap eats. What do you think

of Tesco sandwiches, by and large? Eh. Eh. They're okay, aren't they? You know, recently, they limited their range for some bullshit reason

and said, oh, we're going to do a new trial of flavours. Really? I haven't seen it. It seems just a bit less... Like Sainsbury's decided to drop a whole bunch of stuff from their meal deals. Yes, they did.

They're fancy sandwiches. There was a big outcry about that. I was angry about it because when I was at the time... Do you like their ham hock and pickle one? Pulled pork. And what's that? You want me to pull your pork? No, no.

I'll pull your pork. And make a nice pulled porker sandwich with mayo. I can't believe that guy works here. No, I can't believe he works here. I'll tell you what, Paul. I want to see it! He's got to make that gag work.

No, he can't. No, so I was working in a really, really miserable day job at the time, like day-to-entry bullshit. Yeah. But the only joy I had was genuinely going to Sainsbury's

and buying the fanciest of sandwiches and a nice orange juice. That was the golden age of Sainsbury's meal deals, wasn't it? When they used to include the what's the taste of difference sandwiches. Yeah, whatever that was. When they stopped it, it generally took that glimmer of light away from me. I do remember being utterly upset. But I would say on the whole I actually prefer Tesco sandwiches I think Well here's the thing

Going back to the idea Of they do limited ranges of new flavours Every now and then Despite the lack of a broader range I had a brie and bacon one the other day And that was quite nice Did they have That was part of the meal deal

Yeah Yeah It was alright Paul what would be your ultimate sandwich Oh See I like a cheese one See when I was growing up I used to have a thing

That I called the white sandwich If you could Yes Explain again what the white sandwich. If you could, yes. Explain again what the white sandwich is. Oh, I can't. Have I mentioned this before? It really is something, yes. It's a white sandwich, usually thick bread slices cut off the...

With white bread? Yeah. Cut off the crust? Cut off the crust. Wow. Then salad cream as the... Mayo. Yeah, as my creamy base.

And then simply Cheshire cheese. Which is... It's like a crumblier cheese that's a bit saltier. And it's less yellow than cheddar, isn't it? It's whiter. It kind of looks like, at a distance, like a goat's cheese, but it's not. Yeah, like a feta or something. It's more like that, yeah.

So I used to like that because I would run home from school. See, I would just so want a cucumber slice in there. Yeah, you've got to remember, I didn't grow up on the best diet growing up. No, that sandwich sounds like it would suck nutrition from your body. Do you know what I mean? I used to have an hour for lunch, right, and I could get from school to home in 15 minutes with a brisk pace. And then it's an easy sandwich to make. Satin, a cup of tea, sweet tea, a watch, a bit of telly. But just the fact that you an easy sandwich to make sat on a cup of tea sweet tea

but just the fact that you couldn't even eat the crust on a white bread you know what i did it for aesthetical value rather than the fact that i didn't like because i like crust yeah okay but it kind of i don't know solidified my vision now i also i also have an interesting story about that going back one day i was going home from school for lunch and i was we used to run along a river called the Burkitt, which is right along where my school was. So you had to go from the school, cross a bridge. Was it quite a big river there? No, it was more like a shitty canal more than anything else,

but it was like a natural river, and it went past the school. But that was my shortcut home. That took five minutes off if I went that way. So one day I'm walking... Why wouldn't you then? Exactly. Because it was dangerous? Well, no, because one day I'm walking Why wouldn't you then? Exactly Because it was dangerous Well no

Because it was quite open It wasn't like a dark No it was like Against a field School field And a thing But as I was walking down One day

I saw this guy Staring at me From the bottom Of the pathway And he was this Really creepy looking guy Thick glasses Just staring at me

And as I walked past him You know He was looking at me slowly And then I noticed He was following me And so for the biggest part of this walk, he's following me,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then as I pick up speed, he starts picking up speed so I'm panicking thinking, uh, this could be really fucking horrible and so I went full pelt

as fast as I could. He ran away. Ran away, out onto the road, got hit by a car. Fuck. Why? You never told me this.

No, I've not told you this. So as I'm looking over my shoulder as this guy's running behind me. Was he running after you? Yeah. That's the thing. It was really freaky. So he actually started running?

Yeah. And I ran out into what was kind of like an intersection. Did you report this? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The police came and I was late for school and I was more upset that I couldn't have my white sandwich. I was literally trying to make it while the policemen were talking to me.

So the car hit you but you weren't hurt? I was fine. I wasn't like, it wasn't going very fast and I caught the side to make it while the policemen were talking to me. So the car hit you, but you were... I was fine. I wasn't like... It wasn't going very fast, and I caught the side of it more than the front. Did it break? I mean, was it breaking when it hit you? Do you see what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like an intersection, so cars were slowing down anyway to get there. And anyway, as I'm lying on the floor, the guy's running in the opposite direction. And after that, I didn't go home for lunch after that. Fuck, no. I'm not surprised.

No, but there you go. All for a white sandwich. All for a white sandwich All for a white sandwich Nightmarish Now I don't have any Traumatic experience Associated with this sandwich

Paul but Shame I developed a sandwich Over the years Which I think is A total classic Go on I'll just give you

The breakdown Yeah Serves you right Go on Serves you right For trying to do A hip hop joke Go on So you take Vogel bread Vogel do a hip-hop joke. Go on.

So, you take Vogel bread. Vogel bread. Have you ever heard of Vogel bread? I have, but I can't tell you what it is. It's sort of a nice bread. It's great for toasting. Toast that. Thin or thick?

Medium. It's medium. Okay. It's a sliced loaf, but it's kind of... Is it like a wheat loaf, a brown loaf? It's more... It's got more... Soy?

They do seeded ones, but you want the original Vogel. Okay. Right. This sounds very middle class. It's like a rye bread style. It's like a Polish bread style. Anyway... It's got more chew to it than your average processed loaf.

Continue with your bourgeois middle class sandwich. It is. I'm sorry. This sandwich is going to come across well middle class. Go on. Get some Vogel bread. Yeah. Get some extra mature cheddar.

Yeah. Yeah. Slice that thinly. Yeah. Mayonnaise. Helmets. Whatever. Helmets is the best, isn't cheddar. Yeah. Yeah. Slice that thinly. Yeah. Mayonnaise. Hellmann's. Whatever. Hellmann's is the best, isn't it?

We did. Yeah. Sage Breeze. Sage Breeze is good. As we discovered in North Brown Brandoff. Just don't get the fucking basics that we had. Didn't we have basics mayonnaise? Yeah.

But then, to be fair, you were eating just raw mayo off a spoon. So I can imagine over time, you're going to feel pretty rough. Yeah. So anyway, that bread, posh mayo. a spoon, so I can imagine over time you're going to feel pretty rough. Yeah, it's like spice, isn't it? So anyway, burnt bread, posh mayo. That bread, not just mayo. But high-quality mayo. Extra mature cheddar. Yeah.

Vintage mature, as mature as you can get it. Yeah. Thinly sliced on top of the mayo. Spring onion. Oh. Mustard. Nice. A piece of romaine lettuce, crisp lettuce.

Oh. You could have iceberg. I mean, iceberg's perfectly acceptable, but I'd go for the ribs of a romaine lettuce. Crisp lettuce. You could have iceberg. I mean, iceberg's perfectly acceptable. But I'd go for the ribs of a romaine lettuce. You know in that lettuce referendum, I voted romaine. Come on. Yeah.

Come on. Yay. Every now and then we do a gag on this show. And I'm reasonably proud of that one. In the lettuce referendum I voted Romaine That's a one liner Yeah

So You get that Because you know It's got the crunchy rib on it It's got enough crunch on it Yeah crunchy rib And you can also But what's also good about Romaine

Is that you can It's very geometric So you can get the rib right Exactly You can build The structure of your sandwich Really exactly Can't you? Do you know what I mean?

Gives it some integrity. The mustard is important, but then the very important final thing. Yeah. Chili pickle. Chili pickle, stop playing with me. Like this mango pickle, but the chili version. Hot mango pickle, nice. Yeah?

Yeah. And then you don't take a lot of the chili, you just get the oil. Just the flavor. Oh, and you sprinkle it. Yeah. Nice. Toasted bread. I don't know what to call it, but it's very nice. of like the chilli you just get the oil just the flavour and you sprinkle it yeah nice toasted bread I don't know what to call it

but it's very nice I think you should call it the handsome sandwich it's a handsome sandwich handsome sandwich I don't know why it just came to me

anyway so that I worked on that over the years but just in terms of just a you know what a lovely sandwich is as well roast beef

white bread butter pepper English mustard. See, I like those sandwiches, but they're bad for my guts. Of course, they're bad for everything. Bad for the world. God, I love that. I remember having one, sleeping, and having a fart so violent it woke me from my own sleep. I woke mid-fart.

That's what dogs do. Yeah. At the moment, like a dog with my fart woke me up. And I'm not completely sure I didn't leave some passage of evidence behind. I do love a sandwich, though. Yeah, I like a good sandwich. Invented by Dr. Sandwich during a game of Baccarat, I seem to remember. He wasn't called Dr. Sandwich.

He was called Dr. Sandwich. He lived in Sandwichvania. Well, I'm going to have some of this chicken and bacon, Tesco. Oh, what, off the shelf? I'm going to have this chicken and onion, chicken and cheese and onion. Chicken and onion, do you want to get one? Mmm. That's quite nice.

See, I always find the cheese and onion one really fucking plain. I got it on purpose because it's plain. It is plain. It's limp, and I don't like the bread they use. It's way too thick. I kind of feel like for this you need some lettuce in it. Yeah. But you can't make it like that because it's going to be on a shelf for so long.

The lettuce would wilt anyway. There's not enough crunch. There needs to be more crunching in the onion, doesn't there? Yeah, it feels more like an egg salad. It's got the texture of an egg salad. It does, but it's cheese and onion. Yeah. You don't like it.

You don't have to eat it. We should do more sandwiches on the show from different places. Well, we could do an off-brand, brand-off sandwich, couldn't we? I really can't face eating that sandwich, I'll be honest with you. I really can't face it. You never eat stuff, do you? You never eat stuff for me on the show.

Not like that. It's just like when you got those sandwiches and I saw them, I was like, oh, mate. Well, you said get the cheap sandwich.

Yeah, I know. But that's just gross. All right, what else is on the meal deal then? that's all right, the chicken and bacon. I've had it before and it's fine,

but again, it's just got that kind of homogenous glob to it. It's all mulchy. That's why I didn't mind the brie and bacon one I've had it before and it's fine but again it's just got that kind of homogenous glob to it. It's all mulchy. That's why I didn't mind the brie and bacon one because there

was layers you know. Where was that from Sainsbury's? That was Tesco's and that was like only a two pound sandwich part of the meal deal.

It was part of the meal deal. It wasn't one of their fancy ones. They do sometimes come out with some classics though. But then they go

and you're left with the shitty cheese. They had a sausage and egg one which was really good. They kind of made an egg mayo rather than just bits of egg and put the sausage in with tomato ketchup in it.

It was really nice, actually. It had a sort of quality to it. All right. Well, what's next in the sandwich deal they've got? Oh, crisps. I've managed to nick these with grumblies off. What's he doing down there? Are you washing your hands?

I've washed my hands. The crisps I've managed to get are XL cheese. XL cheese. What's he doing down there? Are you washing your hands? I'm washing my hands. The crisps I've managed to get are XL cheese. XL cheese. Now, these were sent to us in the PO box. We did do something a little bit with them on a digitiser. Yes. I remember liking them. And I also, on that digitiser episode, Paul, I made a faux pas.

What did you say? I think I should apologise now. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It's faux pas report. It Faux pas report. Faux pas report. I said you don't get onion crisps. And then everyone went, Eli, what about?

Oh dear. Actually, Monster Munch pickled onion, heard of that? Eli, what? I think you were saying, though, just an onion. You don't get onion flavoured crisps do you? I'm sure they have existed really? just like bulb onions flavoured crisps

I know but you don't use that's what point I was trying to make and like you wouldn't get like a tomato flavoured crisp it would always be spicy tomato beef and tomato or something with tomato yeah do you know what I mean?

yeah I just said it's unusual to get a single ingredient flavour but I saw an article the other day Paul yeah do you remember for crisps Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I just said it's unusual to get a single ingredient flavour. But I saw an article the other day, Paul. Yeah. Do you remember? For crisps, the whole early part of my life, crisps only had, there were three flavours. Ready salted cheese and onion salt and vinegar. And salt and vinegar.

Basically. In a nutshell. That was it. No, that was it. That was all you could get. Well, no, because there was beef. And just like a lot of other cheap food items and sweets and stuff that we cover on the show, the fucking flavour variety has gone fucking doolally.

And it's all variations on the theme as well. Huge amount of different flavours for everything. We live in a world which is dying from ecological disaster and yet they have the time, these people, to invent several new flavours of fucking crisp every year. I've got some crisp flavour ideas. Sprout flavour. No, that's not very good.

Egg flavour. No, that's not very good. Egg flavour crisps. Cucumber flavour we had. Yeah, cucumber. Strawberry. No. Apricot.

No. Mango with menthol. No. What are you doing? What are you doing? What is everyone doing? I've got ideas up my arse. I've got too many ideas.

Black pudding flavoured crisps. Oh, hello. Hello. Have they done black pudding flavoured crisps ever? I don't know. That's a good one, though. That could be a good one. Cheap shows right to walkers.

Cheap shows black pudding flavoured crisps. No one's... Listen, there's so much poo-poo talk on this podcast that we can't ever go anywhere near having an actual food product. Scat and vinegar. Anyway, XL Cheese. Now, what was the background to this they've sold in ireland or scotland or just limited areas in the north yeah limited areas in the north and in ireland northern ireland i think oh i'm not sure let's see who they're made by by a company called corby prince g consumer services based in north hans what's that where's? Sort of in the Midlands, I believe.

In the Midlands, these are Midland crisps. XL cheese, flavoured potato crisps. What's the huff? Sort of stale potato.

But it's quite... Yeah, the sell-by date is just off of these. It's 7-19. So maybe I'm being unfair then. It says it on the

back, yeah. You're about to enjoy one of the finest packets of crisps available with a unique and original mmm-mmm cheesy flavour. That's what it says on the pack. you're about to enjoy one of the finest packets of crisps available with a unique and original mmm mmm cheesy flavour

and that's what it says on the pack mmm mmm cheesy flavour they're very good, I like them nothing else hits the spot quite like XL so don't let on shhh, it's our secret what a weird thing to say as a marketing don't tell everyone about these

I think they're aware that they have a certain cult status a bit like Branigans, you know what I mean they're aware that they have a certain cult status. A bit like Branigans. Do you know what I mean? They're working off their cult status. And I tell you what, they pack a cheesy flavour punch. Let's have a go.

I can't remember what I like. I remember liking these, but I don't particularly like just normal cheese flavour. I like those. It's a really strong cheese flavour. Do you know what I mean? It's not unpleasant cheese, but I find it tastes quite heavy. Yeah, that's what I mean.

It's rich in a way, isn't it? Yeah. But you're right. This is probably the best regular cheese crisp you can get. I like those. I can see why they have a cult reputation. They're really cheesy. And this packet hasn't particularly gone off, actually, so this is fine.

I'm going to give that four out of five. I like them. I think they're very good crisps. Cheap crisps with fine. I'm going to give that four out of five. I like them. I think they're very good crisps. Cheap crisps with a good flavour. That's a pretty good example of it. I mean, they could go on to the league, you know. But I'd never heard of these until they came out of the PO box. When they popped out, I thought, are these Australian?

Or something. No, they're one of these cult ones. Irish. Like Tato. Tato, yeah. Again, when I used to do that radio show with Paul McCaffrey, the Desert Island Crisps thing, nearly every time a comedian came on, like tato tato yeah again when i used to do that uh radio show with paul mcafree the desert island crisps thing nearly every every time a comedian came on at some point they'd mentioned tater

crisps because they'd been on tour been to ireland bought crisps and gone he's the fucking boss so yeah remind me of as well these xl is when when golden wonder ruled the world of crisps and you get there it's it's a bit like their cheese and onion. You know, the strength of the cheese on that reminds me. The thing is, we should say about the texture of these,

they're crunchy, they're thick. They're thicker than your average crisp, aren't they? Yeah. They've got more of a crunch to them.

Nice. Less of a crisp. Yeah. So, don't you remember the Golden Wonder ones? I do, no. But I was also going to say,

I remember being quite a fan of the cheese, I think it was cheese and onion flavoured square crisps yeah they're quite intense flavours on those crisps like the salt and vinegars

really good beautiful I love those square crisps I just started drooling actually just thinking about it I love those square crisps yeah oh mate

have we had those in the league are you sure we haven't done no square well I mean this whole discussion has made me we're going to have to go back to the league it this whole discussion has made me... We're going to have

to go back to the league. It's made me excited for the league. We're going to have to go back to the league and we should bring the XL into it.

We should get XL on the league because I think they'd be a high performer. But it'd be interesting when it comes to nostalgia because we have no connection to

it. Well, we'd have to do some research. We're going to have to do some research, ladies and gentlemen. I'd also give those four out of five.

Now we need something to wash it down with. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Let me just go through here. What's that? I thought he'd been... I don't know.

He's looking very shifty. Don't mind me. I had a lesson in Sasquatch. I thought he'd been... That doesn't matter. Didn't Freddy Goon say he was going to kick him off? No, I don't know. He just got totally obsessed with his own...

Hardness. Hardness downstairs. Yeah, I don't know what he's up to. He doesn't seem to be a very good bodyguard, that Freddy Goon. No, I think he know. He just got totally obsessed with his own... Hardness. Hardness, downstairs. Yeah, I don't know what he's up to. He doesn't seem to be a very good bodyguard, that Freddy Goode. No, I think he just likes jacking off. He just seems to fucking just get aroused, walk around. He's all constantly walking in erection. Ow.

What a horrible life. No wonder he's angry and frustrated. He's got constant blue balls. I just don't see how he can do his job effectively. He's meant to be... Look, there's fucking Sasquatch. He's running around. Teen yet, he's not going to be happy that he's still on the train. Well, no, because Sasquatch doesn't look particularly comfortable. He's meant to be... Look, there's fucking Sasquatch. He's running around. Teen yet, he's not going to be happy

that he's still on the train. Well, no, because Sasquatch doesn't look particularly comfortable. He looks a bit on edge. So, you know, the vibe on this train is not doomy. Weird. Well, let's have some...

Oh, yeah, drinks. What have you got? I've got two different flavoured Ooloo dags. What are Ooloo dags? Well, we're going to have to taste them both, so shall I get a glass? Or do you mind sharing a mouthpiece?

Oh! Oh, you know what I've got call back hey you've got your key it's a bottle opener key when did I get you that you did

it's price is shy is it effective as a bottle opener hang on I'm not doing it right yeah it's fine it's effective the key has worked

now have we covered this Uludag on the show before I don't think we have Uludag is one of several Turkish brands of soda.

And I think they're the cheapest out there now because that's 60p. I'm just going to say, I really like the flavours to this. There's something very particularly nostalgic about them. You're trying the orange one first. But it reminds me of, like, okay, so when I used to live in Los Angeles for a while, there was a brand of Mexican soft drink that came in very similar bottles, like tangerine. Yes.

Oh, it's lovely. Those are Jarrillos. Maybe. No, no, no, they are. I'll take your word for it. I can't remember. It's called Jarrillo, I think. But they're beautiful.

This is what this reminds me of. You can get those in a sort of Ponzi Camden Town restaurant. They sell those bottles of in like burrito stores as well for like five quid and you go out in Florida I'm in the supermarket

can't get rid of them and it's like they're like a dollar for like two litres but they're the best they're very sugary so I'm going to try this one

Unudag and where is this sold again did you say Turkey I think believe it's a Turkish company yes Gazuzu wasn't that the spirit

from Exorcist too yes for Zuzu great I love the Exorcist yeah it's a Turkish company, yes. Gazuzu. Wasn't that the spirit from Exorcist, too? Fazuzu. Great. I love the Exorcist. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? I love French Connection as well. All right, great. Fucking Barry Norman.

Joe, what do you want to do? Here we go. Drinky time. That's the Orange Uludag. Oh, God, that's so satisfying. Yeah, that's a fantastic soft drink, isn't it? Have a little drink of that. It's a fantastic soft drink, isn't it?

Puff and sup. Go on. It's got that such a nostalgic smell of orange soda of my youth. School sports days. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Have a little drink of that. It's a fantastic soft drink, isn't it? Puff and sup. Go on. It's got that such nostalgic smell of orange soda of my youth. School sports days. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's that artificial... Jumpers for goalposts.

It's one of those artificial flavours that is just pleasant. Do you know what I mean? It hasn't got a sort of chemical-y thing to it. It's like a melted ice lolly. Do you know what I mean?

What were those orange ice lollies called? I don't know. Like Mr. Freeze Pops. Yeah. But that's nice, though. I think the't know. Like Mr. Freeze Pops. Yeah. Mmm. But that's nice, though. I think the flavours are nicer than that.

It's good. All right. It's a classic orange pop, that, isn't it? Really good. Now, this one. Yeah, this is see-through. It's a clear one. Can I guess the flavour?

Is it generic fruit flavour? Yes. Is it? Yeah. Fruit flavoured, it says. White drinks are always either like limey drinks or they're fruit flavour. The bottle's quite cool on these as well,

isn't it? Yeah. Like a kind of toadstool-y almost. It's sort of a butt plug sort of shape, the top. Oh, I bet someone has

at one point in their life jammed an Uludag up their back passage. Right. That's a unique sentence. You know, you're in bed with your wife going,

come on, love, come on, stick an Uludag right up it. Come on, Come on Stick a Uludag With a brattle pit Come on Uludag Uludag Is that the safety word

Yeah Uludag Oh come on Larry I've just got to Slip it up the tip Uludag love I fucking told you Uludag

Right The bottom of the Uludag bottle God No you know Uludag bottle But God, all right. Now you know. Uludag bottle. But probably it's not. It's an actual place, I'm sure.

Maybe. And it's got some work on the G. There's a thing over the G. The internet's not working on my phone on this train, so I can't check. Yeah, it's been terrible. The bottom half of the Uludag bottle has got a sort of mottled. I like it. Do you know what I mean?

Open it up quick. Oh, that's a screw cap one. This one's screw cap. And the orange one was a. Just a normal bottle kind of top. What do they call that? I guess they didn't have to call it anything. Beer bottle cap. It's like a beer bottle. Well, they know what they mean.

I'm going to go in for the huff report on this. Oh, that is pure vimto. Pure vimto. It's the generic smell of fruit flavour, Paul. Have a sniff before we have a sniff. Do you know what I mean? It's funny, actually, because if my eyes were closed, I wouldn't

have seen that as a see-through drink. No, you'd see it as a Vimto kind of drink, wouldn't you? Yeah, I think it'd be purpley. Honestly, in a blind smell test, I would have said that was Vimto. Yeah. Please, by all means, sup? What do you think? It's bubblegum flavour, isn't it?

That's actually what it is. It's more like a bubblegum flavour. It's not as nice as the orange, is it? The orange is deeply satisfying. Yeah, yeah. So, but... It's not too bad. No. Very cheap.

What the fuck was that? Fucking fuck! Was that a gunshot? Yeah, it sounded like one. I think it came from that way. That was where Sasquatch went to, wasn't it? Whoever it is might still be out there. Hang on.

In here. I'm going to go look. Paul! I'm going to open the door. I'm opening the door. Eli! What? Sasquatch! He's dead!

He's been shot in the face! Nasty! There's all brain matter all over the carpet! Scalp and the hairy... God almighty! Gobbins everywhere! Splattered everywhere! And someone's taken his willy out and put a bow tie on it!

That's nice, a nice touch. I like that, it's classy! It's a good murder. But his face... Ooh. Ooh. Hello. This is your train driver speaking. Fuck.

BT bollocks. And I've just got an announcement. I'm stopping the train as someone needs to urgently get on. Please do not attempt to leave the train or I'll fucking have you. Paul, what's going on? Someone's getting on the train. Look. Who could it be?

At this point, we're not even in a station. Who could it be? Why did I? Detective Jimmy Biscuits. I have been hired on this case to solve the murder of... Paul, it's Jimmy Biscuits. It's Jimmy Biscuits in the flesh, here to save

the day. Oh, yeah. Mr. Biscuits. Yes, buddy boy. Sergeant Biscuits. Detective Biscuits. Detective Biscuits. Detective. Detective. Now, what's on this? There's been a murder. Detective. Detective. Now what's all this? There's been a murder. I know, buddy boy. Someone called my detective office only 30 minutes

ago saying, there's gonna be a murder. And I was like, buddy, get out of here. They would know there's gonna be a murder promise. And I was like, what the shit? And he went, yeah, on the train someone's gonna try to kill Sissy Sasquatch or whatever his name is. Yeah, mate.

Adolescent Sasquatch. Yeah, we've heard some gunshots. I mean, he was a terrible character, but no one deserves that. No one deserves to be shot in the face. It's a rip-off character. Yeah, well, no one deserves that. He was. Leave it.

Fucking leave it. Teen Yeti would be happy. I mean, the finger of suspicion must point directly at Teen Yeti. You heard him earlier, Paul. Well, yeah, true, but at the same time... He was getting very vexed. Yeah, but at the same time, Uncle Grumpy... What was his name?

Grumpy Sessions. He was upset because he got booted from that video, reduced in his role. Grumpy Sessions doesn't seem like the person... Listen, kids, kids, boys and girls, I'm here to solve the day. Now, this is what confuses old Jimmy Biscuits. What confuses you, Detective Biscuits?

Why would someone call me to tell me there's going to be a murder? 30 minutes before, I know. Before the murder. And lo and behold, I get here and there's a murder. Yeah, look, it's all Sasquatch brain all over the place. That is quite the face pudding. I'm going to have to do some investigating with me eyeballs. Here we go

I found a clue what is it? a little gun shell casing not a gun shell casing it's a bullet I'm the detective and it's a gun shell casing no it's not also you said I'm gonna solve the day

I'm gonna solve the day it is that's not what happens Crimes get solved Cases get solved Bullets have shell casings Guns don't have shell casings I'm sorry

You seem to be a little bit angry The vocabulary of Jimmy Biscuits Is fucking falling through the fucking floor It looks like somebody here Is protesting not too much Maybe you're the murderer buddy Maybe it's you, little man. Why do you say buddy as well?

You're completely overlapping with Adolf Manson. That's what Adolf Manson says, Paul. What? Oh, sorry. I was out looking out the window, mate. Oh, the train's moving again. That's right. I don't want anyone to leave this train until the case has been solved in the day.

Now, what's this? The gun casing. No, it's not a gun casing! A shell casing from a bullet that came from a gun. If I can match the casing with a gun, perhaps to it I can find the murderer? Maybe. Okay, Jimmy. That's a good plan.

That's not a bad plan. Sorry, Detective Biscuit. Wait, there is another clue. Where? What? There's a note written in a pen not a bad plan. Sorry, Detective Biscuit. Wait, there is another clue. Where? What? There's a note written in a pen on some paper, and it says,

Eli and Paul shot me in the face five times. Give me that. What's all this, Paul? Paul, look at this. What do you mean? We didn't... How could he have written that? Look, it's there. Yeah, I know, but think about it.

How does a dead man who's been shot in the face five times write a note? Perhaps he knew. But this isn't true. It wasn't us, Detective. Yeah, well, that's all very well and good. But I suspect you are on the scene first. I came in here. Here you are.

Let me off this train. Nobody leaves this train, little hairy man, until I've solved the case of the day. And I will make sure that this body is given the respect it deserves. Well, you should cover his messy face-pudding head, Ben. I've got nothing to put on. I've got a bin bag. I put this bin bag on his face. You're so pretty, like a bride.

Where's Uncle Grumbly in all of this? I don't know. I presume he was with us in the food carriage car. He's gone. What did he do? That's true. Where was he? Everyone's a suspect. I'm going to do my best to solve this case is the best way I can possibly be.

Now, you two buddies, you two friends of mine, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, you two are not off the hook just yet until I solve this case. Well, we're not off the hook at all Detective I mean, I'm sorry to say But it looks like

This note seems to imply We've been set up We have been set up Because look Think about it Tickets to come on the train Yeah Blah, blah, blah

Tell Jimmy Biscuits about that Yeah, Jimmy Biscuits We got one of tickets We wanted tickets to come on the trains Is that true? Yeah Who sent you these tickets? We won the tickets to come on the trains. Is that true? Yeah. Who sent you these tickets? We don't know.

Paul didn't tell me. Well, no, we just won it in a competition. Who did it say it was from? I don't know. It didn't say. It just says the Podcast Industry Awards or something. This whole thing stinks of high water. It stinks of yesterday's bathwater.

I tell you. Thank you. It's a stinky, stinky situation, and this makes me sick to my gut. Well, I don't know what we're going to do. I tell you. Thank you. It's a stinky, stinky situation and this makes me sick to my gut. Well, I don't know what we're going to do. I tell you what. What? You two go into that little cart over there. That one is a little gift shop.

Why don't you go into the gift shop and you lay low until I investigate. All right then, Paul. And speak to the other people on the train. Okay, Detective, yes. All right. All right, that's fine. We'll go into the gift shop and we'll hang out. How long are you going to be?

I don't know. I don't know. But this train keeps on moving. It keeps on moving and grooving. And I'm going to make sure everyone is drilled. Okay, Paul, come on. All right, let's go. He obviously needs some space.

I think he needs some space. If I can break this case, I'll get back on the fuss. And I can solve the crime. Who killed my wife? Right, so he's got a backstory there, Jimmy. Yes, I got a wife and she was shot in the face five times. She was just like Adolescent Squash Squash. They must be connected.

I will solve this case and get back on the fuss. Okay. Come on, Paul. Yes, come on. Let's go. Let's go. I will do this. I am Jimmy Biscuits It's quiet detective

Alright Jimmy We're just going to be in the shop Bye Paul Paul Yeah Didn't Jimmy Biscuits seem I don't know

Badly performed No I think that's his best performance to date He's obviously very passionate about this He didn't seem to be able to Sort of get the right word out Well maybe when you do Three characters in a row That don't die horribly

On their arse When you're performing them Because they go nowhere Maybe then you can criticise But until then I'm leaving that stuff in unedited so people can see how desperate you were to find humour in those characters. Oh fuck off! Anyway, let's go in the gift shop! Oh, I'm all shook up. Yeah, this is unpleasant. I just thought it was going to be a lovely day out on the cheap eats express. I just can't- I to be a lovely day out on the cheap pizza express. I just can't.

Murder. Intrigue. Bad characters that we still have faith in. I don't like this. Well, I'll tell you what though, Paul. It's a lovely little gift shop. Yeah, I was thinking. Why does the cheap show train have a gift shop on it? It's weird, isn't it?

It's a very strange train. Yeah, buddy. For sure. Come in. Adolf. Yeah, baby. It's cool. Come in. It's weird, isn't it? It's a very strange train. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, for sure. Yes, come in. Yeah. Adolf. Yeah, baby. It's cool. Come in. It's fine. Oh, it's Adolf Manson.

Hello. Yeah, I just work here now. Whatever. It's a groovy job. I thought you were a barman by trade. No, I got to play around, baby. You know it. You can't be tied down to one job when you've got the whole family to look after.

Oh, yeah. You're a family man. So I was given this job. I thought, cushy. It's not too bad. I get paid well. I meet interesting people. I have good, groovy times. Okay family man. So I was given this job. I thought, cushy. It's not too bad. I get paid well. I meet interesting people. I have good, groovy times.

Okay. Yeah. Eli and Paul, we're going to play a little game. Everything I bought in this shop, I got from a charity shop. Oh, you did? However, buddy, we're going to play a little spin on it. Okay, what's that? Well, the spin is quite interesting.

We're going to play the price of shite as you play it, buddy. Right. Paul, here's the rules. Why don't you describe it? Yeah, I'll describe it. Okay, Paul. What's he got there? He's got the rules

for this new Price of Shite train edition. Oh, so it says... Oh, if you... Price of Shite Cheap Heat Express Edition. Oh. So there are four items...

Right. Right, in the shop. Will you have to guess the price? Ah, baby. Who's going to be the... Yeah, baby, don't... It's not that simple. Who's going to be awarding

for Twings? Well, here we go. I've awarded forwings, baby. Paul is just reading out the rules. Okay. All right, baby. Keep reading the rules out then, Paul. Thank you, Adolf.

So, yeah, it says there are four items, and round one is you must guess out of the four which one wasn't bought in a charity shop, which was bought in a high street chain for full price as of when I bought it. Okay, and that's one between, isn't it? Yeah, that's one between, baby. Okay, thanks, Adolf.

So, one between for that. Then round two is price of shite rules, knowing that you know which one was bought on a shop. 25 for each way? Yeah, same, same. Two for on the nose? Yeah, and then round three is order of cost. Okay, now let's, Adolf, can you help me with it?

Yeah, baby, what you want, baby? Let's see. Now, if you just help me to add up the between so you can... Woo-hoo, baby. Yeah, thanks, Adolf, can you help me with it? Yeah, baby, what you want, baby? Let's see. Now, if you just help me to add up the between. Chuffer, chuffer, chuffer, chuffer, chuffer. That you can. Woo-hoo, baby. Yeah, thanks, Adolf. All right.

It's groovy. Nice energy you've got. I've got lots of energy up the bazoopies. Okay. That sounds like Jimmy Biscuits. A little bit. Okay, come on. Hang on.

Hang on here, Adolf. Come on, man. Right. So. Groovy kitten. Now, if I've got this right, this new addition. Three rounds, baby. Round one. Yeah. Groovy kitten. Now, if I've got this right, this new edition. Three rounds, baby. Round one.

Yeah. One possible between. And spot the intruder. Spot the intruder. Yeah. Okay. Between there. That's one between.

Yeah. Adolf, in your voice. Between. Thank you. Then, normal price of sight rolls for the second round. Yes, means. Well, guess the price of all four items. Is that right?

Yes. And you can get one between if you're 25p each way on all four items. Per twing? So that'd be per twing, per twing, per twing, per twing. There's three per twings potentially at the very... Four per twings. Four per twings, baby. If I get all the prices wrong, but only 25p either way, that'd be four per twings.

If you're spot on, you get per twing, per twing for each one. Yeah, it's two. So that would be four times two, which is eight per twing. So by the end of the second round, if I scored all, if we, me and you, Paul, if we scored every single per twing, by the end of the second round, we would have nine per twings. And then there's an extra per twing to be had, isn't there? There's a triple per twing if you get them all in the correct order of price.

So even if the prices are wrong, but the order of how much they cost. Does it have to be the exact order? Because there could be two, because we got four. All the prices are different, my friend, so there can only be one order. But there are four items, aren't there? Yeah. So what I'm saying is, what if I got the first two in the right order, but the second two were in the wrong order?

Paul, is this this pernickety bullshit? Yeah, he's fucking always like this. I just want to know what my petwings are. He's obsessed with petwings right now. This is a bit weird. I like it. He keeps touching himself when he talks about it as well, which I don't get. Stop copying yourself.

I like petwing. Like you're putting a poultice in. Award me a petwing. I like it. He keeps touching himself when he talks about it as well, which I don't get. Stop copying yourself. I like between. Like you're putting a poultice in. Award me a between. A between poultice. Mate. A poultice. So, yeah, you can get three

for getting them in the right order. So, they're all different prices. No, no, but there's four items. Yeah, so, what does that make no difference? If you get them from... You still have not elucidated. Cheapest to most expensive.

Yes, but what if I got the first two in the right order and then the second two in the wrong way around? Well, then you get no Petwing. No, it has to be the exact order. It has to be the right order for every single one. Yeah. And how many Petwings do I get for that? Three.

Weird that you get three, but there's four items. But it's a big gamble, isn't it? Okay. You know what I mean? It's a bigger reward. So that would be 12 Petwings. It's a fucking Petwing party. It's a Petwing orgy.

Shall we get going? Yes. Okay, so here is item number one. I thought that Adolf was going to get that out. I'm just going to let Paul do it because I've got to serve the other characters over here. Fine. Yeah, I can see that Squishy Jim looks like he wants some nappies. Yeah, he's given me the prices here, so I've got it all.

All right, so Paul. What's the first item, Mr. Silverman? The first item today is Cheap Eats Express... Price is Shite edition. ...Special Edition, Price is Shite edition is Power Stone Magnets with Sound. I don't know what that means. Power Stone Magnets with Sound. I think they're clacky magnets.

Clacky magnets? Yeah. So they're like two little kind of oval magnets? They're shaped like... What shape is that? It's like a... It's like a licorice torpedo. No. No, it is.

It's a... Hey, baby, I was giving a licorice torpedo to my hubby last night. It was good. Can you just go and serve Squishy Jim? He's getting a bit angry.

Okay, Sweetie Jim. Squishy Jim wants service! Would you like a licorice torpedo, my friend? Squishy Jim confused! Can you open it up? It's got one of those worst ever packets. Where's those scissors?

What are those packets called? They're called blister packs or something. Those aren't blister packs. I'll tell you what a blister pack is. A blister pack is a pill pack. A pill pack. I think it's like a clam shell pack or something. Yeah, something.

They're the worst. I mean, it's a cliche, but you really can't get in them. Right, so yeah, cut it open. Open it up. See what's inside, Mr. Silverman. Magnets, sir. Other instructions. A lot of magnet toys around today, aren't there?

Yes, there are. Especially those micro-dots. Those little balls, they like those, don't they? They're lots of fun to play with. Oh, they really are. But they're really expensive. And I think they're banned now because kids can swallow them. And then got like magnets and stuff.

That wouldn't be good. And like knives and forks up to their throat. Funny, this mint on card. It was until you cut it open. Yes, but there is a card in there, and where the product is meant to be, it says little product placement. Is that for whoever's working the factory or something?

Why would you not know where to put them? That's why I don't understand. They can't go anywhere else. This toy contains magnets or magnetic components not suitable for children under three. They are too magnetic. What is that shape? They are torpedoes.

Just like little suppositories. They look like suppositories, don't they? I mean, they're clacky. So... What do you do with them? I don't know. Powerstone magnets with sound. I don't know.

There's no instructions. No. No. That's it. How do you play with them? Do you have a play? Oh, you dropped the magnet. Careful, it'll roll down the carriage.

Oh, shit. It'll roll all the way down the carriage. Roll all the way down the carriage. I like the texture. It's very smooth. It's very smooth. So what do they do? I could probably pop it up.

No, I wouldn't do that. Oh, God. Can you imagine the absolute fucking... Well, you could get the other magnet to pull the other one out. Yeah. Pull it out of your arse. And then push it in and pull it out with a magnet and push it in. Pull it out with a magnet and push it in it in. Pull it out with a magnet.

Push it in. Good. There could be some magnet-driven dildo. Bum dildo, yes. And stick it in. Good. And pull it out. And stick it in.

And pull it out. And stick it in. And pull it out. Pull it out. Come on, Paul. So how do you play with it, then? I don't... Well, I usually sit on my arm for like half an hour.

What's the sound? Is it just the sound? Sit on my arm what's what what what's the sound is it just is it the clacking sound that must be it they clack when they go together they'd put it on the card wouldn't they that's a terrible how are magnets with sound i bet there's like videos on youtube like telling you how to play these like you know tim something yeah this would exactly the shit Tim tries to sell on his Christmas hamper it's like

ah yes this is a popular toy on our yes wonderful you just put it on there it tracks it

like a magnet Tim yeah like a fucking magnet mate it's like lovely little thing lovely little toy

it's not really very clever I don't I just do not see the point alright ok well there's your first item

anyway there's your first item it is the power magnet magnet with sound sort of like I just do not see the point. All right. Okay, well, there's your first item anyway. First item. There's your first item. It is the Power Magnet with Sound. Something like a power stone. Are you ready for item number two, Mr. Silverman? I'm ready for my second item, please. Second item.

Here we go. Oh, it's the big one, is it? Yes. Is this the one? No, it's just a big one. I just thought I'd give you the big one next and mix it up. What is this? This is a whiskey wedge

paul he's handed me a box here a white box it's quite nicely tooled box uh whiskey wedge by a company called corksicle yeah goodbye watered down so i believe it's an item on the side that tells you how it works but basically it's like a little kind of silicon wedge you put into a whiskey glass. And you fill it with ice. Wow, this is quite complicated. I'm getting it out now. And the ice is the right measurement so that it doesn't ruin the drink like ice cubes do that melt. You pour water into that void.

You put it in the freezer. It turns to ice. You take the silicon thing out. And then you're left with a wedge of ice. And you pour the scotch over it so it keeps it cold. But it doesn't necessarily like ice cubes melt into the drink and wash it down.

Well that's because it's surface area. The more surface area the quicker it will melt. That's why in America you get drinks and they've got all those tiny little chips of ice

and it's just everything gets you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything gets watered quickly. It's horrible isn't it? You can't literally in America

ask for a drink with a couple of ice cubes in it. They just pour slurry in. Ice slurry. Yeah. They look at you like you're a weirdo for asking for that. I just want one ice cube because I'm British and I can't take it. I don't know.

I can't take it. I'm not saying. But they give you, included is quite a nice tumbler, a square-edged tumbler for that. Yeah. And, yeah, so what? You've got a sort of mould that goes on. A silicon wedge. But that's what happens.

You pour the water into it and it fills up the void. Oh, here, you can look. Here's a little... It's quite a clever design. There's a spout built into the lid bit that lets you pour the water in there. What goes in here, though? Nothing. It's just the integrity of the thing.

Yeah, OK. And then you've got a wedge shape. It's kind of poncy, isn't it? It's a little bit poncy. But, again, I can see if you're resting the scotch on top of that ice wedge, then the drink gets cooler, but it doesn't necessarily mean the ice water melts the scotch.

No. It's less surface area. Which means less melting. It looks good. There's a photograph on the inner cover of the box, and it's striking, isn't it? Yes, very striking. It's a striking if you impress your guests with that, wouldn't you? It's just the second of what they have here in the gift shop on the cheap eats train.

Paul, I like drinking whiskey. Yes, I do too. I'm quite fond of it. Do you like whiskey? Yeah, I'm quite fond of it. Do you like bourbon? Yeah. I've got a whole bottle of that.

If you dip this episode, just go drink that. You can have one later if you want. I know, I'm trying to get rid of it. The point is, right, with whiskey, and I saw this on a science thing on YouTube. All right. It literally... So it must be true if it's on YouTube.

No, according to... I'm Ricky, the YouTube commenter from the channel of Ditchizer, and I'm making an appearance in this podcast. He saw it on a web show, didn't he? So it must be real. Thank you, Ricky. Science has discovered, though, that whiskey tastes better um great fact thanks great where it tastes better when it has water mixed with it really it needs a little bit of

that melt that's why i'm distrustful of these and also there's all those sort of whiskey stones which are stones that you freeze you know it's like a solid ball that you freeze so there's no no bollocks it just it just cools the whiskey that's not why i get ice in my whiskey i get one ice cube and i get it so and it melts a little bit yeah and that really releases the flavor a little bit of dilution releases the flavor and the reason is there's these flavor molecules yeah uh in the whiskey right and it's to do with their electric charge right they are actually they get untethered by the water, which means they all rise. So all the flavour sort of rises to the surface of the drink, which is the first part of the drink that hits your tongue. Right.

That's the reason it happens. Boring, man. No, it's not boring. All right, okay, so do you think this is a good idea, then, or do you think it's maybe like a bit of an unnecessary gadget? It's a total gimmick, and I think it's actually based on, all of this stuff is based on a misconception of what you're trying to do with your whiskey when you put ice in it. Okay.

I think what you're trying to do with whiskey when you put ice in is not to cool it necessarily. It's to get the flavour release. And that's why people have Scotch and Soda. You know, there's all sorts. Whiskey mixes with water so beautifully. And also, I think the really posh people who drink single malts will always have ice water and pour a tiny little bit in. Well, there we go.

That is the most high-class conversation we've had on this podcast. So, yeah, a bit gimmicky. I mean, I'll try it. It's a lovely little thing, you know what I mean?

It's quality. It's got quality. The glass is nice. That's the type of thing I'd expect to cost at least sort of 20 quid. New. Well, there you go, you see. I don't think that's the new item because I don expect to cost at least sort of 20 quid new I don't think that's the new item

because I don't think you would have gone that far who knows we're two down, two to go in the Price of Shike edition, here we go, next one here we go, what's this? oh, Yomiga auto return brain, hyper, sorry what? yeah, it's a yo-yo

but they've given it a weird fancy electronic name. Yo-miga. Yo-miga. Brain. High performance. Easy to learn. Easy to play. Modular.

Modular. See, that word made me have to buy it. How is that modular, then? It must have modules that are interchangeable. But does it mean it's... I fundamentally don't understand what it's saying. It's got one of those annoying packets, but it seems it's worked better. It's easy to get into it.

It's Bandai as well. Is that a good company, Bandai? Well, Bandai, I think, made like... I'm going to get this wrong. Did they make Transformers, Bandai? Yeah, I think they did, yeah. So they're a toy company of some renown. And this is a yo-yo.

Oh, it's got a string on it. It's got an extra string in there. There's a spare in the box. Also, I've got some coloured string yo-yo strings up there. Oh, you do? Which we featured on the show before. Yeah, we do. It's a whole string on it. It's got an extra string in there. There's a spare in the box. Also, I've got some of those coloured string yo-yo strings up there. Oh, you do? Which we featured on the show before. Yeah, we do. It's an old sandwich on the floor.

So this is a yo-yo that you don't need to be good at because it does it automatically because it's got some kind of... Do I need to turn it on? I mean, I presume so. It's got a battery, does it? Let me have a look at it. Auto return. High performance.

Easy to learn. Easy to play. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Instructions. Inside. Oh. There you go. Learning to play, blah, blah, blah, blah. Instructions inside. Oh. There you go.

Learn to play. I'll just try it. I'm doing this so you have to put a battery in or anything. I hope the movement of the train doesn't affect you. I can't do yo-yos at all. Can you? Yeah. All right, great. You show me how it works.

Why can't you do it? I don't know. I'm just really crappy. It's like, you know, hula hoop? Yeah. I can't do that either. Weirdo. It's not necessarily weird that I can't do that.

Weird's living in a bed full of your food and shit, mate. It's not full of my food and shit. You're saying? Take that back. Will you take it back, me being weak, because I can't do a yo-yo? And also, don't put bum eggs up my arse. You do.

I don't do that. I've sniffed those eggs since last week, and they are drenched in your ass sap. Fuck off. Right, here we go. You've got to get the yo-yo. Here we go. It works.

Does it feel like you have to put much energy in to get it? What? Seems like an ordinary yo-yo. So, you don't have any problem getting it up? It comes back up. Yeah, does it come up quite easily with the hand? It comes out my arm! Let's have a go, then.

Let's see if I can do it. Oh, he tried to do a trick and he nearly hit himself in the head. Not quite. Be careful. All right, here we go. Up and down, yeah? Up and down, yeah. There's lots of breakable things in here.

Now, I know. I would hate to break your collection of fucking curry tins. There is not any curry tin in here! Fucking... Find one curry tin! You can't. So you put it round your finger. If I hadn't hit the floor, it might have worked.

Try not to hit the floor, then. Oh, look, the yo-yo's fancy. It's got, like... You think it's got lights up? It's quite a nice built yo-yo. Do you think it's meant to light up? It's not meant to light up. No, it's got LEDs on it.

Oh, no, they're screws. Are they screws? It doesn't say lights up. No, that's true. It says it's high performance. And it is high performance. Auto return. So this...

Oh, I like it. It's nice see-through blue plastic. It automatically comes back because it's weighted in a certain way, I think. It's got a gyroscopic thing. Yeah, it must have some kind of gyroscopic thing. Right, here like it. It's a nice see-through blue plastic. It automatically comes back because it's weighted in a certain way, I think. It's got a gyroscopic thing. Yeah, it must have some kind of gyroscopic thing. Right, here we go. You are so bad. I can't do it.

Anyway. No, Paul, come on. You've got to do at least one. No, I can't be arsed. You really can't do a yo-yo, can you? Don't care. Why can't you do a yo-yo? I don't care.

Mate, I don't care. I'm past caring for this. No, can I just show you? No, I don't care. Show me how you get it up. Just make it come back I don't care Just Show me how you get it up Make it come back, yeah? Yeah, show me how you get it up Basically When it gets to the bottom of its swing

Yeah, I Flick it You flick it I did that And it didn't work No, you fucked it up Anyone who's good at a yo-yo Is a fucking massive loser

There, I'm saying it I hate yo-yos I hate them Look, do you see what I'm doing? Yeah Do you see that? Do you see the timing of it? Yeah Don't care Being good at yo-yo Don. I hate them. Look, do you see what I'm doing? Yeah. Do you see that? Do you see the timing of it? Yeah.

Don't care. Being good at yo-yo, don't put your hand on your hip like you're fucking the Adonis. Oh, don't shake your hips while you do it. Ugh, stop being sexy and doing the yo-yo. Ugh. Ugh.

This is like, oh, I'm getting hard. Stop it. Give it one go. Come on. All right, give me your hand. Try to do it right. Right.

What finger do you put it on? That one or that one? I would just put it on my end finger End finger Your pointing finger Yeah, the one pointing finger Next to the thumb I'll stand up for this

Make sure it's not twisted Also, the other thing to do is make sure you know where it's coming down Is it best to have it that way or that way? I think that way Yeah? Yeah Get off! One, two

Come on, don't and don't One, two, three, go. Yay. Get it up. You're doing that on purpose to annoy me. I'm just crap at yo-yos. You are. You really weren't joking about that.

No, they're not. It's not something you can be crap at. Well, I am, and I don't care. It's like being crap. I'm crap and proud. That's your third item. You ready for your fourth and final? I like that. Yeah. Here you go. Here's your fourth and final. That's your third item. You ready for your fourth and final?

I like that. Yeah. Here you go. Here's your fourth and final. That was a yo-yo. That's my favourite item so far, the yo-yo. Alright, next. What's this?

He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he- Beanie hat! It's a beanie hat with an LED light on it. These all look quite expensive. I can see why. It'd be difficult to pick the one that was new. Which one? They're all mint on card, so to speak. They're all pretty good. They're all new. They're all new in their packaging, weren't they? One of these items was not bought in a charity shop. I'm just going to get this light-up beanie out. And I think I've bought enough things to throw some confusion into the game.

You certainly have. Well done. Yeah, I thought it wasn't easy to tell which is charity shop and which is... No, it's very good, isn't it? It's his favourite game. For sure, buddy. Thank you, Adolf. Wow.

When they say an LED hat, they're not fucking joking, are they? Now, it's got at the front on one of the... You know the way a beanie hat has a cuff that comes up? It's on the cuff. It's on the front of the cuff. So I'm going to put this on. Oh, you look dashing. And what, do I press it there?

I don't know. Oh, there we go. Oh, that's very bright. That's very bright. Oh what, do I press it there? I don't know. Oh, there we go. That's very bright. That's very bright. Oh, shit. Is that the brightest? I don't know. This is fucking excellent. Let me press it again. It's pressing my forehead. One. I feel like I'm a robot. One. It's like I'm looking out.

I'm Robocop looking out at my maker, mate. I don't think it changes much. Put that on and tell me if you don't feel like you're in a sci-fi movie as a robot. Alright, let me do it. Or some kind of cyborg. Powering on. I don't think it changes much. Put that on and tell me you don't feel like you're in a sci-fi movie as a robot. Alright, let me do it. Or some kind of cyborg. Powering on. I am Sexatronic 7. Experiment.

No, that's last week's show. Give me your hat. I don't care. It was an audience favourite. You're sweating. You've got big sweaty pits. It's been a hard show Yeah And there's been a murder

So there you go On this train It's a beanie hat With a light in That's pretty cool isn't it It'd be good for a festival Wouldn't it Yeah exactly

Find it or camping Or camping Or you know Walking home in the very dark It'd be weird Walking home in the very dark Yeah but if you walk In the very dark

People think you're a weirdo But that's good Can I keep that Yeah you can have that We can go nightbussing. When we go nightbussing, Paul? Nightbussing. It's your nightbussing hat. Oh, he likes it, ladies and gentlemen. He's a fan of this one. I do like it, man.

Look. It's fucking light on my head. Fucking get out my eyes. Got LED spots. Right. That's really powerful LED. Crikey. Christ. What do we think of the design, though? It's simple, though. It's just a beanie with an LED stitched in. It's pretty cool.

It's simple. Nice grey colour. Now, which of these items do I think was bought new? Yes, baby. It's time to guess the first round. Can you tell me where the item was bought? Would that be giving it away too much? I think it'd be giving it away.

And were they all the rest from one charity shop or various? They were from various. All from Turnham Green. I went to charity shops in Turnham Green. How was it? It was okay. It wasn't too great a choice, but I think I found some good stuff. We're looking for locations for our next sort of out and about. all from Turnham Green I went to charity shops in Turnham Green how was it? it was ok it wasn't too great but I think I found

some good stuff we're looking for locations for our next sort of out and about I like to try and get out of the old rut and Turnham Green I think Turnham Green

is worth going down both of us go down there both of us go down there I think we could do another two part where we investigate an area

and then the second episode you want to do it with Turnham Green? yeah in the future something to do towards later in the day I want to do bum bum bum green? Yeah. All right. We'll do that in the future. Something to do towards later in the day. We.

Yeah. I want to do. Bum bum bum bum bum. Are you okay for a while? Bum bum bum bum bum. Night bussing. Maybe just say that again. Bum bum bum bum bum.

Okay. So which item do I think? Let's go just. Is it the yo-yo? The magnets? No. Do it in order. Well it was magnets first.

They were very disappointing. I don't see the point of that. Maybe there's a trick we're missing. But anyway, then it was the tumbler glass with the ice wedge. And then it was the yo-yo. And then it was the hat. So out of those four items, which one do you think I bought from a chain high street store and not a charity shop? For new.

Now, he's made it difficult for me, ladies and gentlemen, because they were all mint on card, weren't they? They were all in their box. Pretty good condition. All in their good condition. I'm thinking that this would have been too expensive for your blood. Okay. Too rich for your blood, this Corksicle Whiskey Wedge. I think that's going to definitely be in the £15 to £20, £25

range. So I don't think you bought that newer because I think it's the most expensive. So if I'm going to be really cynical, you try to spend the least money, then it's going to be one of these two. Or the hat. It's either going to be the magnets... So yeah, if it's not that one thing, it might be the other three things is what you're saying. That's basically what I'm saying.

It's a method of deduction, mate. Yeah, a poor one. Thank God you're not on the case for this murder. Well, I hope you're not. Well, if it wasn't him, it might be someone else. Goodbye, everyone. I solved a crime by not solving it. Right, shut up.

Now, Bandai, that's a... It's a toy company. They make toys. Do they still do... I think they don't still do Transformers, though. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you. It might be Hasbro now.

I just don't know. I think it is Hasbro Or the band they do GoBots Who gives a fuck They make toys That's all you need to know They're no Tomy are they

No no Tomy Tomy Eggs Yeah Which are up your bum No they're not Up your bum You put Tomy Eggs up your bum One for nastiness

Two for fun Three for all the Gun gun gun Four and five and six Make tricks Let's do all the eggs up me I am Eli we're full of eggs

plop plop plop plop plop plop eggs that's my Eli eggs plop plop song I hope you enjoyed it Paul I've made my decision I think

he bought the hat now okay are you going to are you locking that in I'm going to lock that in and is Adolf going to come and award the

between where is it yeah Adolf what did you say is the bought store which is the Lock that in and is Adolf going to come and award the betwing? Where is it time baby? Yeah Adolf could you... Ahem ahem ahem ahem. What did you say is the errrr the board store which is the intruder? Adolf I said the intruder item was the LED beanie. Well it breaks my heart to say this but betwing buddy...

Hey come on! Betwing buddy you got it right! I got it right thanks Adolf. I got that in Robert Dias. Robert Dias? Oh yeah. Handy shop innit? Got lots of little items in there. I got it right. Thanks, Ed. I got that in Robert Dias. Robert Dias. Andy's shop, isn't it? Got lost a little while. Yeah, a little bit.

Bob's in there. They're old school. They're like... Now I'm going to throw you a clue. Even though it was a high street chain store, that item was on sale. Just so you... For reference. Fine.

So you don't think it's like 15 quid or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, okay. All right. So that was the one. So now it's time for the... Everything else was charity shop, was it? Yeah.

So with that in mind, Eli, what do you think the prices of these things were? Can you give me a ceiling for how much you spent altogether? No more than £11 was spent. I hope that helps. Now, those magnets... This is a new little wrinkle we've added to the thing, the whole what's the gamut price range. Yeah, it's good.

We didn't used to do that. No, but it helps, because you have to have a fucking ballpark. I think on games like this when we're like stretching the stretching the format stretching the format

gaping it putting the eggs up exit egg sperm emate all my eggs eggs

eggs sperm yes in my face got it egg sperm in my face thank you egg sperm in my face Paul yeah I don't want face. Thank you. Eggs perv in my face.

Paul. Yeah. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket. Or, yeah. I want them up my arse. Stuff the eggs up my arse. Stuff them up my arse. I love pulling eggs up my arse.

Ladies and gentlemen. Stuff them up my arse. I've got eggs up my arse. It's so full of eggs. Eggs are falling out my arse because it's stuffed up all there! All up there! Please stop!

Please stop! All up my arse! All up my arse! First of all, let's start with the magnets. How much do you think the magnets cost? I don't imagine that they cost more than £1.50. So what are you going to go with? I think...

I'd say £1.50. £1.50? Quickly, I have to press you. I think... I'd say 150. 150. Quickly, I have to press you. 150. 150. One. Fifty. Okay, next.

What do you want to pick next? It's up to you. Let's do them in order. Okay. Let's say two for the magnets. Two for the magnets. Let's say two for the magnets. You're going to lock that in?

I'm not locking it in yet, because I have to go through all of them. All right, okay, I'll make a little note. Go on. Back off. Glass there. What's this locking it in thing? Well, just for, you know... I'm fucking... I that in. I'm not locking it in yet, because I have to go through all of them. All right, okay, I'll make a little note. Go on. Back off. Glass there. What's this locking it in thing? Well, just for, you know... I'm fucking...

I tell you what... You stop locking the shit stuff in. When I guessed the eggs, I fucking coaxed you into those betwings. I gave... You got to. I gave you a mile. You took an inch. I mean, I gave...

Oh, whatever. You gave me a mile of your inch. Come on. Glass. You'd have to do an inch over and over again. Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. Like that. Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch.

Till it's a mile. Inch, inch, inch it, inch it. Inch, inch, inch, mile, inch. Oh, you give me a mile's worth of inches. Yes. What a horrible idea. Inch, inch, inch, inch. Stop it.

How much do you think the glass cost? Could be five Okay I think that's the most expensive Even though it was charity shop bought Okay It's a nice box It's a nice tumbler

You know I'm going to go five Okay Five He's saying for that for now Next was the yo-yo One fifty One fifty again

And finally the hat So what... Can you add up all the prices I've got so far? Going by what you've said so far, you've spent... Well, you've cost it out to... £8. £5, £6, £7, £8.

Okay, that make it three for the hat? Yes, it would. I'm going to have to press you. Yeah, baby, let me press you, baby. I'd say... Yeah, it's good, man. I'm going to to press ya. Yeah baby, I let me press ya baby. I say... Yeah, it's good man. I'm gonna say 175 for the...

Stop touching things and making noisy, wretched, half-witted, club-handed fuckhammer! Fuckhammer? I'm the fuckhammer of the gods. Yeah, yeah. Captain Fox. An inch! Take my mighty inch! I'm Daddy Fuckhammer. Mmm. How I'm gonna take your inch back, Inch dig can't i have a character you just want to make up a character every single fucking time play the game i'm inch man what a horrible character your characters are horrible desperate people angry impotent people

oh how much you want half a meter inch inch inch inch inch how much you want? Half a meter? Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch! How much you want? Two inches? No one has sex by the inch. He's not having sex, who said that? You! I'm inch man, I just give an inch! What does that mean? Well, could mean sex. Could mean sex.

It's gonna mean sex. How many inches you want? Two? I'm good at that. Inch, inch! Yeah, done. Three? Inch, inch, inch! No one in the history of the world has measured sex by inches. Stop it please. We're so near the end of this fucking segment. We've got all this plot to wrap up. Alright. Come on. Inch though. So you've said three pound for

the hat, five pound for the glass. Yo-Yo is 150 and Magnet's 150. No I don't think they're the same price so I'm going to say Yo-Yo one pound twenty five. Yo-Yo one pound and twenty five.25. Yo-yo, £1.25. Right. Powerstone, £1.75.

£1.75. I'm trying to get my 25p per twings there. All right, and then what about the glass and hat? Well, like you said, I think the hat was three. So you're going to stick with... Reduced from five. So you're going to say it's three. And I think the glass was five.

All right, okay. Let's find out. And is that the order you want them in as well? Ah. Well, of course. That's the order. It's what they order. Yo-Yo Magnet Hat Glass.

Yeah. Right. Okay. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Yeah, it's ready. I'm getting ready to do the between, baby. Can I just say, I've scored already. Got one between in the bag.

Yeah. So. Okay, Adolf. Here we go. So, baby, you said magnets, right? Yeah. Who said it was £1.75? Yeah, I did.

His price is £1. No per twing for you, motherfucker. No per twing. Let's ruin it. Next. The magnets were £1, were they? Yeah. For the yo-yo, you said £1.25.

Oof, you're way out, buddy. It was £2. £1, were they? Yeah. For the yo-yo, you said £1.25. Oof, you were way out, buddy. It was £2. £2, buddy boy. I could have said that. No point there. The glass, you said £5, baby. It's actually £3. And the hat, you said £3.

It was £4.99. Oh, shit. I've reduced. The hat was £4.99. Yeah. I got those. So, yeah, just to relax me from doing the accent, it was £4.99 Oh shit I've reduced The hat was £4.99 Yeah I got those So yeah Just to relax me

From doing the accent It was £4.99 for the hat £3 for the glass So actually you should have Swapped those two prices Around it would have been spot on And then the yo-yo And the magnet

So no More betwings for you Just one lonely betwing I told you I get one betwing Every three months I know That's all that happens to me

It's terrible I know it's sad that but it brings me great joy. Can you see the smile? I helped you. I hope you can hear the smile on my face. I helped you last time. How? I was saying, are you sure?

Do you want to double check? Is that how much? I was kind of giving you a nudge to, you know, make you question your choices. So, yeah, buddy, how about you both get the fuck out of here, buddy? I'm sick of you, Adolf Madsen. We're going to have to close the store. You know what? You should give more attention to your little friend, the vermin.

Oh, the vermin? Come on, vermin. Let's pop out and say hello. Hello. Hello here. We've got to close up the shop. I'm actually having a little nap in there. We've got to close up the shop, baby.

Okay. I can help you. Let's go. I like helping you, Adolf. We just hang out. It's like we're friends. It's like you have an interest in me. I have an interest in you.

As a person with my interests, I like techno. Yeah, you do. I like drinking, hanging out. Yeah, you like all that stuff. Just because I'm a vermin doesn't mean you have to judge me like that. I will judge you, baby. You've had some hateful thoughts in your time. I don't, man.

I'm fine now, though. Yeah, well, we'll see. You're still on the bad bench. Okay, let me go up your sleeve again. Here we go. Here I go. Now, you go now, Paul and Eli. You piss off now. Bye-bye. All right, go now, Paul and Eli. You piss off now.

Bye-bye. All right, see you. Yeah, bye. See you, guys. You were shit at that. Ha, ha, ha. That's terrible. At least I got one between.

Yeah, that's all we'll ever have. It does seem to be. What are we meant to fucking do now, then? Just wait? I don't know. Wait to leave. Until we're murdered? Where is this train even going, Paul?

I don't know. I should have done some more research before Where is this train even going, Paul? I don't know. I should have done some more research before we got on this fucking train. I mean, it was distracted there with maybe getting

some betweens, but now I think I've only got one. Well, we could face being accused of murder or being murdered today. We don't know what trap we've walked

into here. I don't know, mate. Oh, what's that? What? That's a record. What's it doing there? Just randomly placed against... Must be from the shop or something.

Hang on. It's got a bit of blood on. Oh, mate. What is that? What does it say? It says it's by... What? Adolescent Sasquatch.

What? What's the release date? Did he cut a track? The release date isn't... No, it says not for resale, so it must be a... It's a demo. Or it's an early press release or something. Yeah, it's a demo.

It's just a... So, Adolescent Sasquatch, what's the title of it? It's just like a DJ copy. They haven't released this yet. No, they haven't. What's the track called? It's called Teen Has Been. Has he released a diss track?

Is that what it is? Teen Has Been. Teen Has Been, yeah. By Adoles that what it is? Teen Has Been. Teen Has Been, yeah. By Adolescent Sasquatch. Teen Has Been. Not for resale. What's the label? Label?

I don't know. Have you heard of this before? They're called Fodnab? Fodnab. Sounds like a... Fodnab Records. Sounds Dutch or something. It does sound Dutch.

Hang on. Let's ask those two guys. They'll know. Who are those guys down there? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. You like techno, man? Yes. Sure, this is great. No, fuck no. Fucking great. They do absolutely excellent tunes.

Fuck no, but it's the best track. Yes. Did you hear that track that goes... It does that one. Yes, I seem to remember. Also, also the one... I don't know about that one, to be fair. I don't think I've heard that one before. Well, what else can you tell us about this label, Dutch Dance Guys?

They're a brand new label, yes. They usually do dance tracks, but now they're getting into into hip-hop that looks like yes is this a like a disc do they do disc records i don't know buddy we can play i always carry a record player blood on it are you powering it carry around always carry a little vest track buddy let's open it up that's right always carry one baby, baby. I always say baby. Stop saying baby. You're dosh, you're dosh, man. Yeah, let's play this little track now. Slam it on then. Let's listen. Paul, this

could be a clue. Oh, oh, yes, yes, oh, I am a yet, yet, man, you know. Oh, oh, yes, yes, oh I am a yet, yet man, you know Oh, oh, yes, yes, no Teen, yet, teen is a nonce, ho, ho I've got all the facts and pics I've got him looking underage dicks I know all the things that he's done

All the things to get to number one On this diss track, it's gonna be fine I'm gonna lay it on the line And when you think it is a jack-off You'll find out it's gonna be fine I'm gonna lay it on the line and when you think it is a jack off you'll find out it's all Richard Brandon we found something

big here thanks Dutch guys yes yes yes yes yes yes yes wow that was handy so what he released a diss track saying like

really inflammatory stuff he was saying that he was a paedophile well he was certainly accusing him of something He released a diss track saying, like, really inflammatory stuff. He was saying that Teen Yeti was a paedophile on the track. Well, he was certainly accusing him of something like that. And if you can't prove it... You can't say that on a diss record, can you? Do you think Teen Yeti knew about this? Well, look, this record's turned up. We've got to get it to Jimmy Biscuit.

Mate, because we've been framed, if you remember, earlier in this episode. Oh! We need to get this to Jimmy Biscuit right away. We need to get this to Jimmy Biscuits there right away. We need to get this to Detective Biscuits right away. Hey! You guys! Stop right there! Oh shit, that's Jimmy Goon. Let me just walk around this erection I got right here. That's a very big erection.

You, Mr. Paul Gann, man! Can you stop slapping it in my face? I'm sorry! I've got extreme tumescence in my lower regions. Hey look, get out of the way. We need to get a very important clue to Jimmy Biscuits. You stop right there. I'm sorry! I've got extreme tumescence in my lower regions! Hey, look, get out of the way. We need to get a very important clue to Jimmy Biscuit's post-haste. Now, you stop right there. I'm imposing, I'm massive, and I'm right in your way. Buddy. I don't want to say buddy, because you say that all the time. Everyone's saying buddy today. Don't worry about it.

This is my friend. Two things. Give me the record. No questions asked. Well, no, you're going to have the record. This is important evidence. You give that to me? I need to get it. Eli, will you stop... Will you get out... Make sure he doesn't take that record off you. Paul, I can't do it with these shoes.

Will you give it to me then, all right? I'm not going to take it. I'm ball level on this guy. I'm not going to let him get it. I'm not going to put... Nuzzle his balls. Well, don't... I'm going to truffle...

Then give it to me. I'm going to truffle hound his balls with my big nose. No one's asking you to do that. I want you to just give me the record. Give me the record. But, Feddy. Now, don't do it, Eli. I'm warning you.

Give me the record, Eli. Don't do it. Give me the record, Eli. Pass it to me. Right, that's it. Give it to me. Give me that back. Right, I've got it.

I'm going to try and run with this huge erection. Oh, it's painful. Don't let him get away. Stop him. Hardness downstairs. Hardness downstairs. Hardness downstairs. He's climbing out of the window and onto the roof of the train. Oh, it's hard. It's a massive erection. This is just like a Radio 4 drama where they talk the action out. Oh, I'm out here now. Oh, right. Oh, the cold wind has helped with my

hardness downstairs. Now to concentrate on getting this record away. I'm on here now! Oh, right. Oh, the cold wind has helped with my hardness downstairs now that I concentrate on getting this record away. Oh, I'm on top of the train! Right, I am also now on top of the train. I am behind there as well. I'm Eli. I'm coming up behind. We're all on top of the train.

Paul, can I just apologise for letting go of the record? He was very imposing. This is not the time for that. Okay. I'm chasing. Come on. He's running across the rooftop. This is dangerous.

This is very... Look out for that. Look out for that. Look out for those. Look out for these. Jimmy's getting away. He's not Jimmy. He's named Freddy. Freddy Coon's getting away. Freddy Coon's getting away.

He's getting away. I don't think he's noticed that huge low-hanging bridge! Wait, I'm gonna grapple him! Come on! Don't do that! Give me that record! Hard downstairs! Look out for the bridge, you two! I'm gonna grab the record!

Oh, Jesus! Fucking hell! God, that bridge took him right out of the picture. He's gone forever. He is absolutely dead. There's no way Freddy Goon's going to reappear ever. How could he? I saw him smash his body against the bridge.

He smacked off the train. I saw his head. Let's get inside. We've got the record. Let's climb in. God almighty. Let's climb in. Oh, God. God almighty. We nearly lost our lives.

That was really dangerous. Right. We need to get this to Jimmy Biscuit right now. Right now. There he is. Hey, buddies. What's all the huffing and the puffing and the going? Detective Biscuit's here.

I think this could be... What's this? We found this record. It was just dropped. Look, it's got blood on it, and it's by the victim. Let me have a look. Adolescent Sasquatch. What's this? It doesn't seem to like it.

It's been released yet. Is this what I think I think it is? What do you think it is? A record that could incriminate those involved. It could, I think. Yeah, it's a clue, definitely. In the shell casing and the mysterious business finances. You know what?

I think I know who did the crime. Train driver, make an announcement. Everyone to meet me in the buffet cart as soon as possible. Right, you fucking pricks. I'm Bobby the driver and you all gotta meet Jimmy Biscuit in fucking Backer Trail. He's gonna reveal the murder mystery. It's the most exciting

murder mystery in 2020. Eh-ho! Everybody take their seats. It is time for me to reveal finally who did this most heinous of crimes. I don't like this at all. I do not like being have my aspersions cast upon like this. I know darling, darling lady plots.

I don't believe it. Squishy Jim quite suspicious of what's going on and I'm disturbed. Squishy Jim only knows Squishy. Have you had brain damage since the last time you were the character? Why? Because you sound... How do I sound different? ...troubled.

Do I sound different? Yes. Squishy Jim's very confused. Squishy Jim. I'll protect you. Don't worry, madam. Lady Plops, Squishy Jim will always be here. Thank you.

To protect you and also to do stuff with your mess. Thank you. Yes, so sit down. Okay. Well, come here. Come on. Come your mess. Thank you. Yes, sit down. Okay. Come here, come on. Come sit down. Come on, I'm behind you, lady plops, all the way. Oh, what's all this all about?

I don't know. Oh, this reminds me... Hey, you, take a seat, Mr. Man. Oh, must I? You're very uncouth. Are you some kind of American? Yes, I'm American, fool. I remember I went on holiday once to America with my mother.

Yes, it was a very enjoyable holiday apart from that. How about you shut up, you interesting, uninteresting, interesting, interesting man. I'm Grumpy Sessions. Oh, I don't know what this is all about, but it's quite exciting. Oh, come over there, shall I? I'll sit down. I'm coming. Next.

Who's this coming in right now? Why, it's Leaky Ken, I believe. Yeah, what's all this about then, yeah? Mate, you've got to take a seat. He's about to do the announcement of the crime. What crime? Sasquatch. I was on the phone, I'm doing business here.

Yeah, well, he was shot for... Does he need what? Does he need a corpse drop? No, there are no droppings needed for this. No, he's just going to wrap up a crime. No, just ask him. Yeah, no, you're shot for... Does he need what? Does he need a corpse drop? No, there were no droppings needed for this. No, he's just going to wrap up a crime. No, just asking. Yeah, no, you're all right. Just asking.

I could quite literally sprinkle cum onto the corpse of a dead yeti. No one needs it. Dead Sasquatch, sorry. No one needs it. He's a right mess there, isn't he? He's terrible. Yes, yes, we sit down. We sit down.

We sit down. Right now. Yes, yes, yes. Right here. Right now. Right here. Right here. Right here, right now, right here, right now, right here, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, rightuff, ruff, what on earth? I demand you tell me. I own this train. What's this all about? Now, buddy boy, everyone's equal in the eyes of the law. Who are you anyway? Sit down, you fat, obnoxious... Ruff, ruff, ruff. Don't... What is this?

Sit down, and you is your friend, Mr. Yeti. How impartial are you? I don't... Where's your identification? Everybody here is equal in the eyes of the law. Until one of them isn't, and then they get told off. Now let me tell you something. My client... Where is your client? Here he is.

Oh, I'm telling you... Yeah, what's the problem there? Oh! Oh! There's been a murder. Oh my god! Why are you shocked? I told you this half an hour ago when I was interrogating... I'm just doing it now, I'm doing it now, because it's sort of, you know... Oh, my God. Why are you shocked? I told you this half an hour ago when I was interrogating. I'm doing it now because it's sort of, you know. I did tell you half an hour ago, buddy.

I'm so shocked. I know we had our problems and our differences over the years. All I can remember him is as a young Sasquatch, just bright-eyed, came round my cave. He just wanted to learn about music. Oh, mate. I'm so sorry this has happened. Just as Paul Gannon speaking, shut up. Just come on.

Just want to get on with the movie. No, we don't. You always rush things. And this is when the fucking podcast goes wrong. Okay? Listen, Jimmy Biscuits has to step in. Sit down, Mr. Yenny. All right, all right.

But listen, it was nothing to do with me. I've already taken your statements. It was nothing to do with me. I've already taken your statements. Richard, Richard, tell them it was nothing to do with me. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Yes, it was nothing. You don't say anything to them, teen.

Hey, Mr. Pratt and Dog. Oh, fuck, you know. Shall I cancel your three o'clock? Cancel everything. All right, then. Including your contract. Oh. We're all here, right?

Everyone's here. Where's Uncle Grumbly? That's what I said to you earlier, Paul. I don't know where Uncle Grumbly is. I don't know where he is. Wait, what's in this cupboard? It's Uncle Grumbly's corpse! Oh, he's been shot as well.

Yeah, I did that. Who? I shot Mr Grumbly in the face. Paul? Yeah. Paul speaking. Yeah, I shot Mr Grumbly in the face. Paul? Yeah. Paul speaking? Yeah, I shot Mr Grumbly in the face. You did?

Yeah. Well, can I just shake your hand? Thank you. Does anyone want to arrest me? I never have that character back. Anybody? Anyone want to press charges against Paul for killing Uncle Grumbly? Squishy Jim's okay.

Yes, I don't have a problem with it if it's fine with everyone else. Oh, I hated that man. I really hated him. I always felt that you know, Grumpy Sessions should be the character who turns up in the little bit roles. But he was everywhere. Do you want me to kill Grumpy Sessions while I'm here, everyone? No, no.

Yes, I think you should. Yeah, why not, buddy? Absolutely not. That missed. Fuck off. Anyway, let's dump the body out the back of the train. One, two, three. Yay!

Grumpy Uncle Grumbly will never ever appear on the show again. Right. Right. So we're all here now and Uncle Grumbly's dead and I killed him and that's fine. He's probably back next week. Now, Mr. Biscuits, you've made a break, and why have you gathered us here? Well, it is time for me.

Detective Biscuits, why have you gathered us here? Don't worry, I'll let that go. Ruff, ruff, ruff, yes, why are we here? Shut up. It is time. You know, I'm on a very tight schedule. Studio time don't come for free, Mr. Biscuits, you know. Listen, you've all been... I'm listening, I'm listening. I'm very upset. Studio time don't come for free, Mr. Biscuits, you know? Listen.

You've all been... I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm very upset. Fucking hell. I'm telling you, you can't shut me up. I've got wind. It's clacking in the wind.

All right. Eli, can I... Yeah? This is the kind of level of detail... I think even the listeners right now just want me to get to the ending, which, to be fair, ain't going to be that great, everyone. So here we go. Are you ready, Mr. Biscuits?

You don't say a fucking thing. I've got all the characters. Yeah, I know. I've worked that out for the course of this fucking episode. Right. Hey, everybody, shut up. I am Detective Biscuits, and I have been interviewing and interrogating you all and searching for clues. And I think I now know who the murderer is.

Let me start with you, Mr. Leaky Ken. Or should I say, pre-cum John. What? No, Leaky Ken's... You have connections with Sasquatch. For instance, you put in the lighting and the drip tray in his latest studio. Did you not? Well, yeah. Well, it was Leaky Ken contracted, but... And did Sasquatch say that his manager would pay you for the job

and you weren't paid? I was not paid, no, but... And isn't it true that you vowed, in public, to shoot him in the face five times? I did say that, I did say that, but, you know, it's a part of the, you know, you've got to keep up a front when you're in my line of work. Spoff, Spooge, Dried Spooge mainly, and moving into Smeg.

Well, you were lucky because I spoke to someone who could collaborate your alibi. Yeah, I wasn't here. I was here. Even though you were here. I was on the phone. Is that who it was? I was talking to Leaky. Yes, well, that's the thing. Who is this Leaky Ken? I suggest to you he was your alibi.

You have created this man yourself to set up an alibi so you could be somewhere else when you shut him. Is that the truth? Leaky Ken is nothing but a mask you wear to dribble droplets of human drippings whenever you want and get away with it. Yeah, fair cut. Yeah, sorry. But yet, I know for a fact that you did not do this crime. I didn't do no murder. Because you were too busy getting your dick sucked by charity shop vampire. Isn't that right?

I like to suck his cock. Yeah, but, you know, it gets me almost there till the pre-cum's coming out. And then he stops. No. I've got to be true to my word. Mr. Jam Jan You are cleared But don't forget The eyes of the law

Are beady Thank you Thank you very much Yes Now Leaky Ken Still my trademark Let's go over

To you Mr. Grumpy Sessions Oh yes Oh Oh terrible business I'd heard That you had been Had a reduced role

In the Sasquatch video that would have broken you into a new household. You know, I've been struggling for years to get into stuff, and Cheap Show used to put me on a lot, and then Paul... I think it was Paul. I think it was definitely Paul. He started cutting my bits out, and...

Paul was right to cut out a character with literally no depth. This is why you cannot be the murderer, for you are the worst character ever made in Cheap Show. Oh, I think that's slightly harsh. It's not, Eli. Again, out of character, it's not. Sometimes I wish I could return to the... So even though you had...

...apes of my mother... ...or the powdery oneness of... Even though you had the opportunity... It's like a shower of powder. Shuteness. Even though you had the opportunity. Shut up. Even though you had the opportunity to kill. Even though the breakout role that you hoped would be in the video. Even though you knew the contents of that video.

You did not kill him. Why? Because you're an awful character and I don't want to give you the luxury of being a featured villain in this or any episode of Cheap Show Going Forward. This is me talking again now, just so you know. I'm working this out through Jimmy. Oh, grumpy sessions will return.

Next, Mrs. Lady Plops. Madam Lady Plops. Oh yes, how dare you say I could do such a thing. Now you be careful what you say to her. Squishy Jim will move right in and he will squish you just like one of her very perfectly formed poo-poo pellets Now, Mrs Lady Plops

You had put money into Just watch what you say Squishy Jim is here Squishy Jim is here Jimmy Biscuits is only beholden to the law Well, we're called Jim, both of us I know I know

Squishy Jim's got the same name as Jimmy Jimmy Biscuits has been alone Just watch what you say Lady Plops, you put money into Sasquatch at the start of his career, but then again, you were told, like the manager told Grumbly that he couldn't be in the video, the manager

told you, you Mrs. Lady Plops, that you had been bought out of the enterprise. Yes, that's right! I put money into the start of his career, he wouldn't have had anything without me and then this manager comes along and he kicks me out, he does. And I have nothing. But I didn't kill him.

Did I, Leaky? No, he didn't. She didn't, no. No, Squishy. Fuck, fuck, you know. This is so complicated, this episode. Are you talking to Squishy? I'm talking to Squishy.

Yes, I'm talking to Squishy, Jim. I couldn't have done it, could I? I was too busy plopping, Mr. Squishy Jim. I couldn't have done it, could I? I was too busy plopping, Mr Squishy Jim. Yes, yes, that's right. She did nothing except produce perfectly formed poo-poo pellets, which I squish. Oh, Jimmy does squish. Squishy, squish, squish. Yes, well, this... Squishy-o, Squish-o.

Funnily for you. Oh, oh, I've got narcolepsy, I've decided. Please go to sleep. I will, Squishy Jim, it's too stressful. Lady Plops, please look after me while I fall asleep. Oh, you sleepy twat. Poopoo Stallion. Now listen, listen.

Luckily for you, I know you couldn't have been at the scene of the crime. Horsey, Horsey Poopoo Stallion. Because if you had been there, there would have been Preston Plops around the corpse. And as I saw with my eyes, there was not a Plop in sight.

Oh, that's very you. So I know you couldn't have been the murder because you didn't do no Plops and Grishy Jim didn't do no squishing. Ruff, ruff. That's very good.

He's actually quite a good detective, isn't he? Oh, yeah. It's better. And it wasn't the driver because he was driving the train that character's done now as well Ah fucking great

I'm innocent Right next So who else is left on the docket? Ah that brings me to Teen Yeti and the biggest clue of all

Oh no You knew about this record didn't you? I don't know nothing about that What is that? This is a record That's not my label This is a record

I don't know nothing about no record. Cold. Oh. What did we call the track? You came up with it. I know. Oh, dear.

It was called Teen Has Been. That's right. Thank you, Eli, for helping me out. Teen Has Been. It's Teen Has Been, and it's a track made on the Fudna record label. Yes, it was a track I don't know anything

about this. I don't know. Let's play a little bit of it now. Oh, oh, Teen Yeti likes logs.

He's also known for sucking off dogs. He likes to wank off cats in his free time. Covers them with his icky slime. Oh, stop that.

Stop that now! I've heard enough! He was going to put this on the airwaves and destroy it. That's terrible. Absolutely destroy it. Did you know that he accuses you of fiddling with little ones? I totally deny anything that he said. I want to make clear right now on the record,

there is no proof that you have been associated with any such crime. No. And this is incendiary, inflammatory, libelous. inflammatory libelous look but was it enough for you to kill you say you didn't hear this track but yet i have evidence that it was posted to your address this address here is where you live so you must left the address on that record cover you must have heard this are you lying to jimmy biscuits i wouldn't lie to anyone But was it you who did this? No. No.

I can tell you now. I can finally reveal who is the murderer. What's that label? That label seems to be from Holland or something. That's not. This is the clue. Here's where Jimmy Biscuits put it all together. What?

The murderer was someone who had interests in Sasquatch. This is dead baloney. This murderer was someone who had interests in everythingquatch. This murderer was someone who had interests in everything. And here's the interesting part. This is what seals the deal. This album, if I hold it up to the mirror over here.

If I hold up this single to the mirror over here, all of a sudden, Fodknap becomes Brandoff. Holy shit! Oh squishy Jim! Squishy Jim! Holy shit Eli this is a Richard Brandoff record! Oh my god! Yes that is right!

I don't know my whole world has been ruined! It was Richard Brandoff who paid off Grumpy Sessions so he wouldn't get the acting role. It was him who paid off Lady Plops so he could control Mr. Sasquatch from the start. And it was him who told Mr. Sasquatch to write such an incendiary track. And also, did you know he was hired

both you, Mr. Teen Yeti and Sasquatch to play it off like Oasis Reflur Oh, don't listen to him, he's silly Totally silly, awful You are the agent of all the actions we see on this train tonight

Well, I'd just like to see you prove it in a court of law Ah, but I have got that proof For instance, I found the gun shell casing on the floor Aye, by the body You thought you'd collected all five bullets But no, there was one missing And you'd collected all five bullets, but no. There was one missing and you'd forgot it.

And I've got it and I checked it. But what did I check it against? Mr. Gannon, can you please turn out your pockets? Yeah, sure. Do you still carry around the shell casing from the bullet that tried to kill you and Eli? Do you remember that? The bullet that killed Ash? The gun?

Yeah, that was you. That was... That was Brandoff who did it. That was Brandoff that did it. That was Brandoff that did it. Hand me the casing. I put it to you that the casing that killed Sasquatch is also the same casing that comes out of this pocket. The one that killed Ash Frith way back when in the episode titled 24P. If I put them together, you see, they are exactly the same with my microscopic eye.

Oh. Wow. Woo. So, Mr. Brandoff, I put it to you that you not only played everyone on this train of fools, not only did you trick these two titans of the industry to a head-to-head of musical war, but you also, shut up, you also made it so that this song would not be released or your name would be exposed as the agent within this track isn't that right mr brandoff you are the murderer here thank you he's a nice round of applause

rof rof bravo oh my god i can't believe it was richard brandoff who killed someone on deep show now you everyone stand back oh he's got a gun it's's a magnum! Oh, a choc-eye. It's a light, then. Also, this gun. Oh, I'll suck your gun. You stand back, yes! All right. Don't do anything rash here.

Now, you listen to me, Biscuits. You're lucky I don't put one in you. Quick time. The police are coming. When we pull into the station and whiddly-by-the-biddly, we will take you to the place of prison. Now, you'd love that, wouldn't you? It would be great. You'd brought down the Richard Brand off. But you're wrong. I won't be alighting at the station.

Hello? Freddy? Yes, here I am. I'm in the helicopter now. I'm in the helicopter now! Okay, Freddy, come down. I'm ready to make my escape. Jimmy Biscuit, you can't let him escape in a helicopter. That's lying behind the train. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

Watch this. This is going to be a great action scene when I escape on a helicopter flown by Freddy, Freddy Goon. How is he alive, even, ladies and gentlemen? And now one last thing before I leave, biscuits. Yeah, what is it? You're not going anywhere. Let's tussle. You can't. Fuck you.

Ow. You hit me in the face with a fist. Right, biscuits. Just one last thing before I leave. You hold me back. You hold me back. Did you notice anything familiar about the casings on those bullets? Yeah they match the ones that... Wait. Yes. Ruff! What? Ruff Ruff! What are you saying? I'm saying I killed your wife! Oh I didn't see that coming when we set it up in the show earlier. Ruff Ruff! So I'm... My status as super bad guy on this show cemented. Eli, you've been really quiet recently.

What have you got to say? I haven't got much to say. I'm just glad it was all solved. You know, Richard... As long as Richard's all right and Tini... Shut up, Eli. You've ruined it. He's getting away. Ruff, Ruff, you'll never catch me.

I'm off to be very misogynistic in a different part of the world! Mr Brandoff, shall I stay on the train or try and jump in the helicopter? Try and jump and possibly die, Carol! There she goes! He got away in a helicopter, Jimmy Biscuits! Don't worry, because one day our pass will crash again, and next time he won't be so slippery for Jimmy B.

Well, I'm going now. Bye-bye, everybody. How is he going? Where are you going, Jimmy? We're on a train. I don't know. I'm going to walk to the end of the train. Okay, bye.

Right, this is your train. We're pulling in. This is your train? We're pulling in. I'm Bobby Bollocks, and we're pulling in to the station, Widdly on the Biddly. Oh, my is your train. We're pulling in. This is your train? We're pulling in. I'm Bobby Bollocks and we're pulling in to the station with the on the biddly.

Oh, my God, Paul. You lost all energy. Get the fuck off my train. The plot's over. You left a right mess. Off the train, out the back, gone. There's broken glass.

There's a body on the roof. All right. Who's going to fucking eat this corpse? Me, again? No. I'm not eating this corpse. Storytime Grandad. He didn't have a fucking thing, did corpse? Me, again? No. I'm not eating this corpse. Storytime Grandad.

He didn't have a fucking thing, did he? Paul, what about Storytime Grandad? He wasn't... Jimmy didn't mention him at all. Where's he been this whole time? Yeah, exactly. That's the point of that character. What's the point? He was in here as a courtesy...

Jimmy! Jimmy, he didn't mention... Yeah? What? He didn't mention Storytime Grandad. He didn't do it. See, he didn't do it. So you didn't do it. So I didn't.

No, I didn't. No. In fact, you're the most blameless character here. So why don't you treat yourself to some balls? There's some balls there. Oh, you don't say it. And if you want, you can have the whole Sasquatch. I can eat that balls.

Yeah. I can eat the bars. Go on, start. It's like being in a second ball roar again. Yeah, go on. So it is. I'm going to chomp down hard on this yeti cock. Well, Eli, I don't know about you,

but this has been a crazy adventure on the Cheap Eats Express. I'm exhausted, Paul. I'm exhausted. At least I've got this hat with a light on. And creatively bankrupt. I'm exhausted. And creatively bankrupt. Yeah, we started creatively bankrupt.

And then we dug. But look, it's weird pulling into the station now. Oh, look. There we are. Next stop, Wibbly on the Bib stop. Wibbly on the Bibbly. Wibbly on the Bibbly is my favourite town. Right, let's get off then, Paul. Let's get off. What are you doing there?

I don't know. Yeah, but I don't know where home is, do I? Well, I don't know where the fuck this is. I don't know. But, you know what they say. What? Trains. You know what they say, don't you?

You know what they say. What? Once a murder Always a pigeon No they don't What are you on about I'm trying to think of a witty way To end this show Like they do in crime shows

Yeah but Paul The thing is When you say I got it No you haven't got it You know I know how to end this episode No you don't

Hey I don't know about you But this railway murder Went off the rails Didn't it No bad Bad Bad Bad

Cool I'm doing the end music The problem is The problem is You try You go Right You plan something

You plan something You plan something And then you go Right And then we'll just think Of a funny line there But you don't You can't think of anything

You can't even think Of the right fucking word It was not funny It was terrible I'm sick of this Off the rails I'm going home I'm going home I'm going home You can't even think of the right fucking word. It was not funny. It was terrible. I'm sick of this. Off the rails. I'm going home.

I'm going home. I'm going home first. You can fuck off. I'm going home first. Eli Snoydy, L-I-S-N-O-I-D. P-A-U-L-L-E-L-E-L-E. I don't know if you understand what I'm saying. Shut up. Thanks for watching!