CheapShow - Ep 163: No Characters Guaranteed

Episode Date: January 31, 2020

After last week's thrilling murder mystery epic, it's back to basics for Paul and Eli on this week's economy comedy podcast! There is a strict "NO CHARACTERS" policy this week as a result, but who knows what happens when push comes to shove. Luckily there is plenty to discover this week when we get a mini Winkie update, reply to some reader emails, dip into the PO Box, tackle a Price of Shite that becomes a "peh-twing" fest and ends with a reveal so demented, so stupid and childish, that one of the cheap chaps will have their reputation in tatters! But who? And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-163-no-characters-guaranteed If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

I'm feeling relaxed, Paul. I'm feeling relaxed, too. Oh, his voice has come on. What do you mean, my voice has come on? You just go, ah, ah, ah. I'm Paul. Ah. I'm feeling comfy, Paul.

Right, start again. No. Okay, I'm all right. I'm all right. Are you, though? Are you, though? Something cracks me up. It's just...

Something has cracked me up. What was that thing you said before? Crack, crack, poo-poo. what was that thing you said before crack crack poo-poo what was the thing you said oh yeah this is i keep keeping this thing that these i i know we're gonna record the pod right and the show used to be about jeep things and the phrase comes into my head and today it was bum bum gravy Bum bum gravy Gravies Bum bum gravies Bum bum gravies Bum bum gravies

Watery ones We don't need any more Thank you You will not be entering Eurovision this year I thought you were starting something off No I thought you were passing the ball to me Bum bum gravy

Bum bum gravy Okay and I'll come in Bum bum gravy Bum bum gravy. Bum bum gravy. Okay, I'll come in. Bum bum gravy. Bum bum gravy. Watery ones. Right, that's it, is it?

Granular ones. Granular what? Bum bum gravies. What do you mean granular what? You're just going to run down a list of different types

of ass gravy. God almighty. It's a list song. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the apparently economy comedy podcast. We've ruined it. of ass gravy. God almighty. It's a list song. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show, the apparently economy comedy podcast. We've ruined it.

Where me, Eli and I, fuck, Eli and I go for the charity shops, the bargain bins, the thrift shops, the jumble sales and pound lands

of Great Britain and bring you the treasure amongst the trash, the wonders amongst the weirdness. Wonders and, yeah, but weird, what about weird wonders?

What if it's both weird and a wonder? Then it's fine. So they're not enough of a... Separation of opposites. Yeah. No, you did. You hooked on one. I'm trying...

The concept I'm trying to articulate there, which is they're not of a... They're not opposites. Doesn't it sound like an amazing sci-fi novel? The separation of opposites. Yeah, it does. Sounds like quite hard sci-fi. Yeah, it would be

it's about a man that would be like mid 70s called Adrox 5 yes and he lives in a thought bubble created by his owner

whose mental state keeps him alive so he's connected to the owner yeah does he know he's in the bubble yeah he does he knows he's a

conjuring existence yeah a phantom a technological phantom an electronic dream. But the man doesn't know that this guy exists. So what's he doing there then? It's a good question. It's all very

complicated. The separation of opposites. Right. Out next year. So what all I mean is weird wonders are things, aren't they? Yeah. Welcome to Cheap Show. God. aren't they yeah welcome to cheap show god I hate you and your fucking noodle

posse people love noodles it's just a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to learn to

fucking accept. Cheap Show. Cheap Show. It's the Price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle

Yes, hello, welcome to Cheat Show We're okay, yes, hello We're fine, we're good Hello, Paul So, the murder on the old Cheap Show. We're okay, yes, hello. We're fine, we're good. Hello, Paul. So, the murder on the old Cheap Express, eh? That certainly was something. What? The last episode.

What happened in the last episode? Wasn't it just us sitting in here again, as usual? Right, good. So, what's going on? We didn't have noodles with a dragon. You're going to deny the law of Cheap Show again. What? I don't know what you mean.

Oh, shut up. It's stupid. It's my little novel way of... It's not novel. ...graying out the boundaries. Novel means new. Yeah. That's not new.

It is new. You always try and go, no, no, it isn't. No, never happened. No, novel could mean unique. Novel doesn't mean unique. It can mean... Unique means unique. That was quite novel. Yeah, as in new. New. New. It can mean... Unique means unique. That was quite novel.

Yeah, as in new. New. New. It's a synonym of new. I'm looking it up. You'll be wrong. Oh, don't twang the thing. Okay, Google.

Define novel. This is the definition of novel. Interesting new or unusual. Oh, okay. You're right. Adjective. He hit on a novel idea to solve his financial problems. No, I thought it was a cinema noo.

I've been in this scintillating mini-segment, Paul looks up the meaning of a word. It's our brand new segment, ladies and gentlemen. Paul looks up the meaning of a word. I could have got a stroke machine at the end. What word is next week then, Paul? I don't know. It'll come up in the conversation and I'll spring into action.

But you were totally right. I was wrong. Thank you. It's nice to hear every now and then. Which is novel. Oh! Anyway, welcome to Cheap Show. Yeah, you said that. We've played the music already, haven't we? Yeah, we've done all that. It's a low-key episode today. It's nice and

chill. It's just like a relaxed, fit kind of episode fit i'm literally in my gym jams which is i'm thinking isn't good can i also say eli what laid a trap for me today before we started i i went to get the lighter to smoke a cigarette and uh i noticed he placed his lighter, I reckon on purpose, right on the gusset of his used pants on his bed. It's next to where his head rests when he sleeps. But describe the patterning on those particular handles. It's like brown streets. No, look, there are no brown... This is where I draw the line, Paul.

Bum-bum gravy. The bum-bum gravies go all the way down the lulus. I get all the shit in the toilet. We are, week by week, destroying the English language. Well, at least we've got this new segment where we look up the actual definitions of words. There's going to be an episode that will completely be in sounds and claps. I want to do

that. I'm ready to do that. We're not going to do a 60 minute episode of us going We did all in well, that's what that band did Karamba that's what they did a whole album that is true

that is true but it was also musical and therefore you can get away with it if someone just oh you know what I've never heard Cheap Show before let's put

a random episode on it would be a bit like you know what was that Lou Reed album Metal Machine Music why what's that about well he

I honestly don't know so fill me in he made an album called Metal Machine Music. Why? What's that about? Well, he... I honestly don't know, so fill me in. He made an album called Metal Machine Music. Right. Which, usually, he's like a rocker. Yeah. He sings songs, and some of them are good. Yeah.

This was, like, completely avant-garde experimental, and it consisted of maybe three tracks just screeching... When was this? What year? I think late 70s. Okay, okay. I'm just trying to get an idea of the Lay the Land Out scape. Late 70s, I believe.

Yeah. And I believe there was some kind of animosity with him and his label that he did it because he had... On purpose? I think it's one of those. But it's like... No, but I think he was serious about it as well. But the studio didn't have... A lot of artists have these sort of hidden electronic avant-garde albums.

There's a George Harrison one that I've got in there. Oh, Paul McCartney as well, The Fireman. And is it complete, it's like... It's electronic music as far as I remember. Yeah, but does it have

like rhythms and melodies or is it all bleep, squawk? I mean, I don't know if it's completely off. Squawky, squawk. Yeah, I don't know if it's that. It's probably just...

Bleep, squawk, you know, that kind of... Squeaky. And now we lose you, like, in a big bowl of word porridge. Squawk. Go on, here we go. I do want to get spruft, the word spruft.

Spruft? No, spruft. Spruft? A drunk man said that to me once on the tube with disdain. I want to cover you in my spruft. No, he got up and before he got off he turned to me. Spruft. No, he didn't.

He fucking did. Why would I remember that? Why would he say Spurft? Exactly what I've been wondering ever since. He distinctly articulated the word Spurft. Yes. All right, good. Spurft.

What are we talking about? I don't know. So I thought... What we've got coming up on the show, Paul. We're going to do a Price of Shite, which we've received from the P.O. Box. Oh, a little bit Spurft, Price of Shite. Mystery. Now received from the P.O. Box. Oh, a little bit of Price of Shite. Mystery.

Now, Paul. Yeah, I haven't seen the prices. I haven't seen the prices. Now, fucking look at the prices, because you've ruined it. It's a competition. It's a betwing-off. It's a betwing-off. It's a betwing-off.

Yes. So we'll be playing a Price of Shite as a curated by one of our dear listeners. And if you'd like to send anything to the PO Box, you can go to our website, and there'll be details at the end of the show for the address to send stuff. Could I say where they send the emails to at the end of the episode?

Yeah, and we'll play our favourite game. I know. I'll do it at the end of the episode. No, because I like playing the game where it's like, I give you a slap on the arm if you get it wrong. You like that game? I do. I get a full-on... What do you get it wrong. You like that game? I do. I get a full-on...

What do you call it in your mind? Spanky times? I call it pre-spank McBank. Shut up. You can't have an... Anyway. It's my pre-spank before my main spank. And he gets a little nickname, pre-spank McBank.

I don't know. Do you see him as a little Scottish stereotype? He's a little tiny Scotsman in a kilt. Like tiny, like an inch tall. Does he have a little straw-like red beard? Yeah, and a hat. The hat they wear. What's he called?

You've forgotten what he's called now. Spank Bank McQuite. He's not that. Shut up. I think that's his name now, though. You've forgotten what you said, what we said. We forgot what we said. Let's get it.

Have you finished describing what's happening on the show? This is only out of this. We're doing a tiny little platter. Oh, platters, yes. And, oh, okay, bit of shop talk. Bit of shop talk. Bit of shop talk, yeah. So, one quick thing. bit of shop talk. Bit of shop talk. Ah, bit of shop talk. Right.

So, one quick thing. We aren't going to do a major thing for our fifth birthday, which is around June, July. Ah. But we are going to do a big show for our 200th episode around October, like last time. Well, couldn't it be a combined fifth year? Yeah, probably.

Why not? Fifth birthday and 200th episode. Yeah, I'm going to make it a big thing. No one's, you're in charge of all that. But it'll be one big show, so we'll try and find a bigger venue, and it will be in London. So if you want to come,

bear in mind, nothing's planned yet. It'll happen sometime in October, and at a reasonably decent-sized venue. That's that. Okay. Next thing is, we are going to do,

again, with the help of Rhiannon, the Cheap Show Listener Choice Awards 2020. And as you know, last time it was a massive success. I think it went brilliantly. I think we put on a massive What are you doing over there? I know you've got indigestion or something.

Why do you have to bring light to it? It's because I'm trying to talk and it looks like you're having a stroke in the corner. And it's really distressing. I was generally thinking of stopping the recording then to get help. Really? Yeah, because you're holding your arm and you're twisting. And then I was twisting.

I'm twisting away from the mic so they don't hear me grouch, man. Yeah, but you look traumatised to me. You'll put the grouch on with some fucking effect on it and it'll go blah, blah, blah. Shut up. Anyway, next thing is the awards are happening again so if you want to get involved Rhiannon is sorting stuff out now but you can follow her on Twitter if you go to

at projectcheapsk8 like projectcheapskate but it's at projectcheapsk8 numeric 8 and there'll be details about how you can vote and things. And everything and it's been streamlined Yeah, so hopefully it'll mean there'll be details about how you can vote and things. And everything. And it's been streamlined. Yeah. So, hopefully

it'll mean it will be another two and a half hour show that I have to edit and go mad doing. Are we going to go back to the Spoff and Pickle for it? I don't know. I was thinking about getting a really big venue. You know, a really big fancy one. I was thinking of like, maybe... The Spunkodium. Oh, mate. Come on.

That's the worst thing you've done in a while The Grand Spunk Wow Wow You stayed with it and committed The old posh spunk house Right Do you want to carry on

Just saying things Well what What's your take on this fictional venue Which is posher than the Spoff and Pickle? The O'Poo. Good, yeah, you won that. You've won everything today so far. Great day for me.

Great day for me. I wonder what the betwings are going to be. The betwings are the real measure. Before we go any further, I do just want to say, again, I resent the fact you made me reach down for the lighter and hangle your grundles. Yeah. You haven't described...

They were like leopard print or something. Yes, they are leopard print. Thank you. The very idea of you just wearing them. Put that out there. I just want you to put that out there.

I do not want you to put that out there. Not all my underwear is leopard print. No, just the ones you masturbate in. No, there's nothing wrong with those. Are they your special wank pants?

No, I do not have special wank pants. You should. Why? As if what? I have to fucking dress for myself to masturbating. No, there's nothing wrong with that. Are they your special wank pants? No, I do not have special wank pants. You should. Why? As if what? I have to fucking dress for myself to masturbate? No, I'm just saying

if on special occasions when you want to go posh you put your special pants on. I don't subscribe to any of those myths about masturbation. With the soft rubbity rubs. Yeah.

Yeah, the smooth rubbity rubs. What, a posh wank? You do it in a johnny? The silky. The silky. That's, why is that why is that sexy? No, I don't. To do it in a johnny? No. That's what a posh wank is do it in a johnny the silky the silky that's why is that why is that sexy to do it in a johnny

no that's what a posh wank is known as well I have been doing it like that when I do it I spunk into a trifle I put it balls deep

in the trifle and I empty myself into it right into the fruity chunks how can you get the whole thing into a trifle

because the trifle what's the trifle on a table or something it's on a small stool how do you get that it's on a small stool. How do you get that? It's on a small waist height stool. So you've had thoughts

about the problem of access to the trifle. It's not about working the problems out. It's about building up a solid structure around me that allows me to easily bend my erection downwards.

Get a trifle in a bowl. Yeah. Right. Cut a little hole in one side of the bowl and enter from the side. Yeah. Right. Cut a little hole in one side of the bowl and enter from the side. Yeah. No, but the problem is

you miss out on the best bit which is penetrating the custard top. Right. I'm glad you enjoyed that. I mean, you're winning today. Trifle is quite delicious. You know what though?

My penis does end up looking like an angry clangor. Well, Paul. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. This is the calm, relaxed... Not welcome to. We've done that already.

We're just back from the break. We're back from the sound effect. Welcome back to Cheap Show. From break we're back from the sound effect welcome back to cheap show from the sound from the sound effect and uh you're joining eli and i today is we go through the mailbag and we we haven't done it in a while we haven't done it yeah we've got a fair few so the next few episodes i think will be a little scrimmage through the mailbag pulling out some you know sizable emails have a little scruffle around in the mailbag have Pulling out some sizable emails. Have a little scuffle around in the mailbag. Have a little scuffle in the mailbag. Have a little scuffle in the mailbag. Don't just

take that as a cue to fucking start singing. Please. The desperation in your eyes just then. It was a real emotion, that. Grundles. Grundles. I handled your grundles. I had to wipe that lighter down in case I had smearing on.

Oh, come on. Come on. It's got to have some residue of it on. Listen, this whole room is about at least sort of 10 molecules deep in it, isn't it? God. I don't like the idea that this room is nothing but a thin layer of your greasy, dirty DNA. Yeah. I bet you...

Porn those porn cards. Oh, that's the thing, Paul. Porn cards. Pass me those thing Paul Porn cards Those pink cards These are the Waddingtons I've had my eyes on these For a while Right We've talked about

My disappointment Because that platinum deck I bought The shiny silvery ones Was a defective Pack of cards Just clubs and spades Very strange

No diamonds or hearts I've never No You know you get very cheap cards Like £1.50. Yeah, where they have doubles or a few. But not Waddington's is a trusted brand. But that means that somewhere out there, Eli...

It had a little seal, it had one of these... Eli! Somewhere out there, there's a person, right, with just the hearts and diamonds. It must be. Imagine if you two met, and it was like... I got married. Yeah.

You don't know. Maybe that's the beautiful story here. They buy a pack, you buy a pack. They put up a post on... She that's the beautiful story here. They buy a pack. You buy a pack. They put up a post. Is it a she? It could be a he. Doesn't matter.

Puts it up on Instagram. Oh, I can't believe me. Look, someone copies you in. You say, I can't believe my luck. You live around there. All right. Well, let's go for a drink. And you get your cards out at the pub and you have a little drink and you buy the first round.

Then he buys the second. And you go, I've got time for another one. So you buy a third because you don't want to be left out. He buys a fourth. Now you're drunk and you're playing with your cards and your hands touch and you go, oh! And you look into each other's eyes and for a minute you both giggle and it's all embarrassing.

And then you say, I'd live around the corner. And she says, no. Just no. This is not what it's about. Just wanted to share my cards. And then she walks out no, just no. This is not what it's about. No. Just wanted to share my cards. Well, that would be on the cutting room floor. And then she walks out. She walks out. No, what does she do?

No, she walks out and gets an Uber home and she's safe, right? And shits her pants. No. You shit your pants right there. Something happens. At the pub table. And you can hear it bubbling under the fucking fabric of your pants. Now.

The warm, bubbly scrubs of hot dirt coming out of your bottom, Eli. I don't shit myself. You do. When you're sad, you do. I don't shit myself when I'm sad. I'm an adult. I don't have... I just want them to know that

I don't actually... I'm not a poo-poo person, Paul. I'm not... You know what I mean? It's not something I have any kind of issue with. Every time he's glum, poo comes out of his bum. That's not true.

It is true. That story was so lame and unfunny. It didn't have to be funny. I was painting a picture. A moment. Can I talk about my cards, please? You got pink cards. Is that it?

Yeah. Is it just the back that's pink? No. Ah, now you've got the interesting bit. All right, you've got me. Pink cards. Yeah. Waddingtons, classically, come in two main varieties.

Perhaps you don't care to name what those are. Red and blue. Okay. It's the standard. You know, that extremely standard with that pattern. You'd recognise it if you saw it. It's a very standard pattern. These have a different pattern on the back,

which is just a pink checkerboard, but every single card is pink. So it doesn't matter the suit, it's all pink. Yeah. Doesn't that make it hard? It would make it hard, but also, I mean, if you think about it, clubs and spades are already both black, and same with hearts and diamonds.

No, but if, like like Snap, for example, a very simple game like Snap... You'd still be able to do it. Yeah, but I reckon it'd be a harder game. But I like the way that the Joker is also pink. This whole thing's pink, mate. Why do they do these variations then? I don't know, maybe...

Who goes, mate, we've got a card game, we need the pink cards? Because people collect special edition cards and there's a whole almost like stamps or something like that there's a whole market for this just seems to be a weird thing to do uh special edition and limited edition packs of cards don't open it but i also got that one that's a more sort of typical example of the type of thing i'm talking about it's just uh special bicycle cards bicycle bourbon So it's a special bourbon design that they've got on the back. 808 proof.

Bottled in Kentucky. So that's got... I bought that as a gift for someone but... There's an old Kentucky proverb. They've got like... I'm reading! It says on the back, there is an old Kentucky proverb that says keep your friends close and your bourbon closer.

Now you can do both with the Bourbon deck from bicycle playing cards. It's not a real brand of Bourbon, though. No, it's a brand of playing cards. They make special editions like this, and they also have tie-in ones like Harry Potter, obviously. They have all sorts of things. They can license anything because they just get the artwork from it. So what are the cards like on the inside there? Just what?

Just normal cards? A linen finish, you know, rather than plastic. Linen finish. I love his albums. And I imagine these will have a poker layout where it's bigger. Have you seen the way they... Mate, I know we agreed about no characters this week

because of last week. No, no one no one's coming Paul don't Linen Finish is a great name I just want to bank it can I just bank can I just bank

the character don't do him now of Linen Finish maybe a 70s like rock star yeah alright Linen Finish

just write it down you can look you can write your own I'm writing Linen Finish down you're writing a book just put it in your fucking Ghostbusters book and then I thought of the character Linen Finish I love the word I love it You can write your own... I'm writing Lin and Finish down. You're writing a book, just put it in your fucking Ghostbusters book. Lin and Finish.

And then I thought of the character Lin and Finish. I love the word. I love it. It's got a ring to it. All right, we'll workshop this next week. Okay. I also like the name for a character, Middling Holding.

Middling Holding. I'll make a note of that. So to you, does that sound... Middling Holding, you see what actually the meaning is there? You sound like a kind of accountant type. Do you know what those two words, that phrase means? Middling holding.

What would you say that means? I don't know. Like a small amount of money. Yeah, exactly. So I was just wondering if that, because it's quite specifically sort of poker terminology, but. Oh, is it? I was wondering if you see the double meaning in that.

I guess I do. Well, we've got a couple of names there, Paul. This is all very sober. Cards. Anyway, those are the cards. Is this a new segment? No, it's definitely not. No, it's Eli's cards. I'm bored myself. You fuckers, you just... Shall I read the letter out then? Is that what we're doing now?

Yeah, that is what we're doing. We're going to do a segment called, and we haven't done it in a while, Tales from the Shop Floor. This is where you, the listener, write down things that's happened to you in shops. Maybe working in shops or maybe

in some kind of other job. Stuff happens. People shit. Sometimes shit. Someone's bleeding. Someone comes in and shouts something, vomits, is alcoholic. It's dead. Someone dies. Dead. Dead people. It's mostly shit and spoff. I's an alcoholic. It's dead. Someone dies. Dead. Dead. Dead, people. It's mostly shit and spoth though.

I like them when they're dead and they're lying in shit. Okay, well, that's a sentence that I hope gets turned into a fucking t-shirt, Eli. With your big face saying that. I like them when they're dead and lying in shit.

Great. What a lovely, lovely... You fucking egged me onto this. I didn't. I didn't. Yes, you did. I did not. You fucking did. You're not giving me anything.

I'm going to start saying stuff. Warning. I'm warning you. Hopefully it'll be funny stuff. Eli, you're not on top form today, are you, mate? Let's just be honest. Let's be clear right now. No, I'm floundering. Yeah, you are. So do you want to just... Shut up. Do you want to take a moment?

Do you want to take a moment, Do you want to take a moment? Here we go. He's broken again. Giggling like a twat. What's going on? Is this a podcast anymore? Or is it just... It's like the madness of King George.

You. You. You're doing it to me. Am I? Stop doing it to me. Just give me the letter. Let's do... I need structure.

Do you? I do. I need structure. Yes. Yeah? I need... Not just you I do I need structure yes yeah I need not just you the madness of

King Silverman on that fucking bench sitting there on that bench with your headphones on I'm like a weird

goblin the way I sit on this chair every fucking week I know we've got to get out of the house of pickles man

I don't know if we really do I'm in my gym jams it's a whole thing with the I never thought when we started podcasting I'd have to do it surrounded by your dirty leopard skin man i don't know if i'd if we really do i'm in my gym jams it's a whole thing with the i never thought we started podcasting i'd have to do it surrounded by your dirty leopard skin pants it's got a flavor it's got a flavor to it it's got a tang i'll give it that very sharp tang paul

yeah tell us from the shop floor yeah so this is a story that's been sent in by, and then I'll read it out. All right. Well, if I can do that. His name is Johnny Two Feet. It's a nickname. Yes. Can we just refer to him as Johnny? Yes. Well, see how much I like him. Or Two Feet.

Halfway through the letter. Well, I'm Two Feet. How you doing? When I ascertain his level of prose style. What? I'm going to judge it. I'm going to judge his story for narrative and style. What am I calling him? judge it. I'm going to judge this story for narrative and style.

What am I calling him, Two Feet? I like that. No, fuck that. All right, Two Feet. That sounds like... How you doing? Do you know what it sounds like?

What? A fucking Shane Ritchie movie. All right, Two Feet. We called him Two Feet. Two Feet. No characters. Write it down. No, but this is a real person

who's written us a letter. Yeah, but I just say it's Johnny Two Feet. Oh. No, he's called Johnny Two Feet. written us a letter. Yeah, but I just say it's Johnny Two Feet. Oh. No, he's called Johnny Two Feet. Yeah. All right. Are you ready to say hello?

Yes. Okay, you ready? Hello. Wait till he says hello. Who? Johnny Two Feet. Is he here? Oh, I'm Johnny Two Feet.

No, he's not. He's not a character. He's not a character. He is the author of this letter. Eli, are we characters? Oh, shut up. Are we ourselves characters? Discuss, debate.

Fucking hell, mate. You really are tiring me out. What if Eli, what if Eli, right? What? You had an accident like five years ago and you've been in a coma and this podcast. This is it. This is your Jacob's ladder. Sometimes I wonder.

Do you know what? Eli Jacob Silverman's Ladder. Oh, you know what that makes me think of, Paul? What? I saw someone used your Anne Frankenstein joke. Really? Totally used it. Where? It was on some TV thing or something.

Radio, a Radio 4 thing. Just saying. Are you ready to say hello to Johnny... Two Feet. No, he's not called that. He is. They used to say his name was Johnny Two Feet. No, he's not called that. He is. They used to say his name was Johnny Two Feet. Well, let's see.

It may be in the body of this letter. He'll mention what he needs us to refer to him as. Probably not. Please don't call me Johnny Two Feet. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. He might, you know, might be a problem. All right.

Might be a Two Feet problem. You know who could deal with that? What? A character I really want to do right now we can't just tell me and I'm writing them down but this is one from the last episode Captain Inch

right what was his name Captain Inch I'm making notes so next week at the top of the show we just go just go crazy just vent hi Paul and Eli

hello oh hello I used to edit low budget UK porn for online distribution for a not well known company that specialised in the point of view POV. Yeah. Girlfriend experience. So that's

where I imagine. You've viewed this type of material have you Paul? You're aware of this form of material are you? It's been brought to my attention of the genre. Yes, I love it. I absolutely love it. It's good, Neil.

I don't like it that much. What do you like? Do you like to be... Other stuff, which I'm not going to go into now. Broadly speaking, do you like the stuff that you get where you're distanced from the action, or do you like the stuff where you're kind of in the action? You're not in the action. It's point of view, isn't it?

No, but that's what it is. You're meant to be in the position. You're not in the action. It's point of view, isn't it? No, but that's what it is. You're meant to be in the position of the person enjoying the sexual activity. I enjoy a wide range of porn. Not a lot of it. Just a wide... Anyway. You're like wide. You're gaping. No, no. Oh, God.

Normal. 100% normal in every way. Dog fucking. I'm not... Absolutely not. Dog fucking. I'm not. It's not. Absolutely not. Come on. Let me look for your search history now.

Dead old dogs and shit. All hot stuff. You could. You could look through my search history. I don't mind. I would never.

I would not mind. I would. I would never want to see. Well, don't. Why are we discussing this? Why am I framed as the poor weirdo? I'm not. I didn't say that. well don't why are we discussing this why am I alright we'll save it

for the next episode sequel I'm not I didn't say that I haven't yeah thou doth protest too much

all I fucking said Paul all I fucking said yeah yeah yeah was that point of view style porn

wasn't my favourite thing that's all I fucking said now I'm fucking piles of dog shit or something I never said you were you's all I fucking said. Now I'm fucking piles of dog shit or something. I never said you were. You fucking did.

I never said you were. You implied I'd like to. No, I implied that I made this material. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. That I'd go stalking the streets at night

looking for stray dog turds to photograph myself. Right, your phone's turned off. It's because I'm not doing the show. Are you ready for the rest of this story?

Yes, go on, I'll shut up. Fucking hell, mate. You've been really naughty bad boy today. Specialising in point of view, girlfriend experience. Right. I will give your viewers the benefit of the doubt and explain the point of view.

Oh, God. I didn't realise he was going to go into it as well. Let's get through it then. Point of view means that the events take place from the gentleman's point of view. This can be achieved many ways. The performer simply holding a handheld camera. The mechanical sound of the Zoom gives that away. Yeah.

Or by a cameraman hanging over the shoulder of the chap at work. Oh, yeah. At the time I was working, GoPro could have done with a combo there. At the time I was working, well, it could. It all right. Yeah. It doesn't matter, yeah. At the time I was working, GoPro could have done with a comma there. At the time I was working, well, it could. It all right. Yeah. Doesn't matter, though. I'm just saying. At the time I was working, GoPro cameras had got cheap. Maybe you didn't need a comma, actually.

You twat. I just needed to read the whole sentence before I got there. Yeah, maybe. Anyway. He's such a pre-emptive wank. Third time's a charm. Good luck. At the time I was working GoPro... Hey! At the time I was working...

Hey, everyone. This will be in the bloopers video at the end of the year. Oh, do you remember when he couldn't use his fat fucking mouth to say anything? Oh, now my mouth's fat. As well as my hands. Yeah. Fuck off. Fucking obese tongue twat.

At the time I was working, GoPro cameras had got cheaper and had better quality so they became the camera of choice and were promptly strapped to the performer's forehead. Great. That makes sense. It does. Totally. On one occasion I was sent footage to edit of such a set up. Okay. But is this footage in this I think. Time poem.

In this footage the camera was turned on early. Oh. And caught the preparations of the male performer. Right, so the guy's wearing it on his head and they've recorded it all, set it up. They've just, yeah. And as he's trying to basically get erect, is what I'm thinking.

Oh, I see. That's it, the preparations. You get it up, don't you? You get it up. You don't want to start flaccid. Well, maybe that's part of the charm, isn't it? I don't like those ones where it's like... I want to...

I'm from the start. Oh, you don't want to think about that really you just it's just ready to go no I think I like to see a tumescence

see it go I like to yeah really it's like you like to see the man get a recce yeah

oh wow we're diverted here we've diverted I think it's interesting to see you know the story grow fucking hell this we should never

have agreed to read this you were desperate to read this one out you said paul i want to read this one out the most out of all the stories on the list can i please paul read this one you said i want to read this one so much if i don't i'll cry fuck. Fuck off. Just behave. Can you behave? I can't get through this. Got to get through this. Daniel Bedingfield. Jesus. Webbed. Got to get through this.

Right. On one occasion. I'll start from this whole paragraph again. Did he fall out of a plane? Daniel Bedingfield. No. Not that I recall.

He just stopped making hit records a long time ago i only had a sister works in natasha beddingfield she had some hits as well didn't she fell out of a plane or something didn't she what happened one of them fell out of a plane i do not recall a bedding field plane accident falling out of i don't know why i thought they'd fall out of planes on one occasion i was sent footage to edit of such a setup but in this footage the camera i just thought of a band name for price of shite the between things all right they can come in write it down that's a whole band mate no that's quite good though um so on one occasion i was sent footage to edit of such a setup but in this footage the camera was turned

on early and caught the preparations of the male performer. Okay. It all started normally. The only odd thing was seeing the bloke's face as he looked in the mirror, something I wasn't used to seeing. Oh, yeah. All of a sudden, he started crying, a sort of gut-wrenching, silent crying,

broken up only by him telling himself that everything was okay. Fucking hell. Wow. Oh, God. That's raw. It's a cry wank. That's raw. It's a self-fluffing cry wanker.

How did he not decide to check if the camera was on? He doesn't care. He's well into his cry wanking ritual. It's okay. I'm okay. Like that. I'm okay. I'm okay. Enough of that. What? It's unpleasant to see. okay! Like that. I'm okay! I'm okay!

Enough of that. What? It's unpleasant to see her, and it's unpleasant to see. I'm okay! Please stop. Fool. Okay! Okay!

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm not doing it. That's the problem, isn't it? You have a new character. No. Cry wanker. No.

No. Cry wanker is not a good new character. Come on, that is dynamite. No, the problem is that we both know it's a bad idea. And right now, everyone listening is thinking, no, we want more cry wanker. Okay, stop. Don't please them. You write it down at least. Write it down.

After some time, he entered the arena. Right. Quotation marks. And the show began. It was a basic girlfriend experience. The whole guy comes home and is surprised by a scantily clad partner. Oh. Then it turned.

Oh, the tone. Like the tone of the scene changed. Yeah, but again, we need a full stop there. Right. We really do. Then it turned and then there's a full stop there. Right. We really do. Then it turned and then there's no full stop. We go straight to get on with it.

But Paul... Be professional. It's hard. I'm just trying to read it out for the first time and it's not properly punctuated. Is it? I don't care if you're hard.

You'd be fucking struggling like a cunt. No, what I would do is just reformulate the sentence in my head to make it fit and then just carry on. You'd be like an alcoholic doing the 100 metre hurdles.

Zing. The madness of King Silverman. Shut up. Right. Can we get through this? I'm not saying a fucking word, mate. You need to get through this. You need to get through it.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's having a breakdown. Live on Cheap Show. It's not a breakdown. No, this is a breakdown. No, it isn't. I've got the giggles. That's all it is. Yeah, alright. Just let me blow my nose. There's nothing. Shut up.

Right, we'll get through this letter. It's a good letter. It is. I want to know where it goes. All right, so. It turned. They're in the scene. They're doing it. Oh, hello, darling.

Yeah. And then something happens. I've got something for you. Oh, yeah. Then it turned. Yeah. The girlfriend, quotation marks, started hurling abuse at him. And I had to edit out a lot of the director telling her that this wasn't the type of feeling they were going for.

What? This is not what we're looking for, love. More sexy, not angry. Yeah. Come on. Now I can see where this is going now because remember what happened before he was crying. Tell her that this wasn't the type of feeling they were going for

but still she continued insulting the sizes of his member, saying he was useless and beating on his chest when the position allowed. It was at this point I checked the note, the notes, it should be, that were sent with the footage. No, the note. I checked the note. Sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. It was at this point

I checked the note. No, were, then he uses... Come on, mate! It's bad, man! He uses the word were and note. Were, were, then he uses... Come on, mate! It's bad, man! He uses the word were and note. Were is for plural. Notes. Right, I'm going to do this sentence one more time, okay? God.

It was. At this point, I checked the notes that were sent with the footage. This is like someone doing a bad Shakespeare audition. Only to find a message that read... Right. Try to sort this out best you can. It's his ex-wife

and she caught him fucking her mum a few years back. Jesus. So he fucked her mum. They broke up and now they're still working in adult films

together. God, if that's you get in touch with the show. I still to this day have no idea where they thought they could work together. But I still see them. Again, that word is missing, the word see. But I still see them pop up as a couple

now and again. But their videos have switched to the BDSM nut-kicking variety, which I can only imagine must be well paid enough. Listen, Margaret, we can't go through this every time, right? I can't take it. I've apologised. I don't know what else you want from me. We can't keep doing these videos.

Alright, I've got an idea to balance this out. We still do the videos, but now we just do it where I punch you in the cock in the video anyway, and you grow to like it and hopefully do lots of sticky mess. He must like it. He must to a certain extent. Well, do you? Lots to think about in this particular letter.

Also, Eli probably wants to know this. Yeah. It takes about two months for the footage not to gain a reaction from downstairs. It's the reaction from downstairs. So, as you can imagine, watching a lot of porn dis-entitles you to the erotic nature of the content.

Fancy that though, seeing just hours and hours of dicks and fannies and arses and tits and all sorts of angles and body parts You just have to edit it. Fluids and solids and all sorts.

And toys and everything Imagine seeing that every day. Imagine everything imagine seeing that every day imagine imagine seeing that every day every every day seeing

all sorts of mucky mucky things oh like what Eli what else like dogs Eli

is it dogs Eli it's not it's like dogs yeah fuck off what is you it would be bam eggs dogs bam eggs oh here we go that sounds like a brand dogs are you like? It's not. It's like dogs. Yeah, fuck off. What is you? Bum eggs.

Dogs bum eggs. Oh, here we go. That sounds like a brand of something you'd buy. I mean, I show up and I highly recommend. Dogs bum eggs.

Dogs bum eggs. Silverman brand dogs bum eggs. It's up your bum hole. No, please, please stop with the poopy talk.

Please. Well, you stop doing it then. No, would you do a better episode, please? Please stop with the poo-poo talk. Please. Will you stop doing it then? No. Will you do a better episode, please? Even though he has a sick obsession with dogs. Oh, fuck off. Dogs.

Stop the recording. Are you ready, boys and girls? I'm ready. I'm back in the room. I'm very much present and relaxed. Present in the moment. Yeah. He just popped out next door

to get a bit of fresh air got some fresh air and cleaned his lungs and then he was there for a minute and I heard him using his phone and all I heard then after that

outside was him was a little video and he was playing I could hear I don't know it sounded like you're going to keep this doing this are you

you're going to keep this up and then I heard you say that's what I want. And then you came back in and you sat down. Can we just draw a line under this? Can we draw a line under this? I'm glad it's messaging. We'll draw a line under this.

All right. On the dog fucking obsession. No, I'm going to come clean. I'll come clean. All right? Yeah. I fuck dogs. Okay?

Is that what you want to hear? Touche. Yeah, that's what you want to hear. Can we draw a line under that? Yes. Before we go any further... Oh, it's a bespoke fly to shite, mate. Well, before we get into that...

Oh, yes. There's something I wanted to mention. Little announcements. So, we had two little things that came in over Christmas in the PO box, and I thought it was worth pointing them out. I'll quickly mention this. Someone, and I'll look up the name now. Bear with me, bear with me.

I have copious notes here. Billy is his name. Billy sent me a fucking excellent patch for my Ghostbusters uniform that he'd made himself, and it is of the logo from my Ghostbusters-based solo show, The Little Red Triangle. Oh, you used that, but it was also, you designed it for your initial Ghostbustering group when I was a kid. Yeah.

It goes way back, is what I'm saying. It goes back before the solo show. Early 90s, this, mate. Early 90s design. And where did you get that design? You did it. Do you know why I drew it like that? Because I kind of like, you know, trapdoor.

And it's got that trapdoor look. It has a very trapdoor feel to it. It does. So it's like a trapdoor ghost in a red triangle. And funnily enough, I'm writing a book about my solo show for Unbound. So I'll be begging for money in a few weeks time so prepare yourself for that no it's gracious of me how gracious of me to once again put the hat out and say i can't do this without your help well uh but you get a book

out as the whole model of the of that kind of publisher so billy wrote me a really really long letter and there was some personal and honest things in there that really touched me. I don't like to get too cheesy on this show. You know, when we tried to read out

the letter of thanks from everyone about a year ago. And we got halfway through and we thought, we can't read this out because it's too nice and we were being dicks

just for fake lols. No, we are dicks. I just wanted to say that. I'm a dick. Yeah, you are. I just wanted to say that. I didn't want you to say it. You're a dick. No say that I'm a dick yeah you are I just wanted to say I want you to say it you're a dick no that you are a dick

you are a dick I want you to say the following sentence I am I am a dick I want you to say that sentence I just said

I'll say it again the sentence I want you to say I want you to say I want you to say the sentence I've just said to you to say I want you to say you are a dick I've done it Eli Silverman say. I want you to say, you are a dick.

I've done it. Eli Silverman is a massive dog fucking dickhead. Anyway, sorry. So, Billy, I wanted to say your letter was really... I've had about enough of this, I have to tell you. Billy's letter was fucking sweet. Move on. Right, thank you, Billy. I hope you realise that the sentiment was really, really quite nice.

And thank you very much. It's a lovely patch, I do have to say that. It's an amazing patch. Really good. So thank you so much, Billy. Really good. And also, the next thing that we got was this fascinating one. I got one of these as well.

Now, because you were going, oh, I can't have a winky bag. Well, it was disappointing to me. After discovering and basically being the patient zero of the worldwide winky resurgent phenomenon, Paul. Yes. Yeah? Yes. I couldn't even have a winky. I couldn't have a winky.

I discovered them. I took it to the attention of everyone. The winky. Yes. Stop saying winky. Well, I'm just saying. I think I've got a point. All right.

The guy sold out. That guy said, I've never seen such a run on Winkies. No, they're still selling them. They're just more expensive now that everyone started buying them. Yeah. I think they've got up at least $10 or so, maybe more. It's still around the $30 mark, are they? How much do they go for?

I don't know. The last time I checked, they were about $28, I think. And I got mine initially for like $18. They're all in the States. Yeah, there was some guy in the States. 18. They're all in the States. Yeah, there are some guys in the States. But we opened the pay-o-box and out roll

two replica Winky badges. Bespoke Winkies. Designed by Ross. And Ross sent a little letter, which I'm going to read out now. But basically he sent two badges that he made that are replica Winkies. They're bigger than the original. They're almost double the size. I'd say size and a half.

Size and a half size and a half but he's back engineered it to be a function so it's got the but there is a there's a slight difference from the original Winky badges

a slight difference and what would you what is that Paul explain what that is well it has your name on it oh it has my name on it and yours and mine has my name

in the actual at his forehead spot yeah just above the forehead of Winky is the name yeah in the and it's translucent rather than black yes yellow and translucent rather than black At his forehead spot. Yeah, just above the forehead of Winky is the name.

And it's translucent rather than black. Yes, yellow and translucent rather than black. But there'll be pictures on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. It's a fantastic piece of work. And if you look at the soldering on the back, Paul. It's beautifully done. Very, very pleasingly soldered. And there's a little switch.

Yeah, that's the other thing the other one didn't have, a switch. It has a switch so you can just turn it on. Yeah. And apparently he put it all together. Yeah. And there's that little micro switch. It's just so pleasing. Yeah, pleasing. As a component.

Yeah. It's like great. So I wore it for the digitizer videos we did recently. It's also got the original. Connectors. You have the little connectors. Yeah. Well, replica things.

Little metal. I mean, let me read the letter and see if it goes into a lot more detail dear paul and eli i found the winky saga so awe-inspiring i went and reverse engineered it despite never actually seeing one in real life that's what irl means i found out and i had to look it up when i read this letter are you joking i didn't know what irl means every now and and then, someone will go, oh my God, I can't believe that this happened. And I'll be like,

what is FWIT? What's that? For when I think, for when I touch? Yeah, yeah. It's one of those that you never bother to learn. Five wishes in...

You had to look it up. Yeah. So I didn't know that. I'm an old man now. Right. So, they mention general operation

may be off, but I believe it's close enough. Very close, I'd say. You can be the judge. I think it's amazingly close because I think the only information he had was I took a picture of the back of the badge where you can see the electronics of the original Winky badge.

And so I think that helped him get an idea of how it worked. But again, the letter goes on. I present to you Winky. And there are two Winkies. Some said an off-brand Winky was simply too fucking meta. That's true. That Winky's winking technology was beyond moral comprehension. They were wrong.

I've put the PCB layout and assembly instructions on my website so anyone interested can make one of their own. He's sharing the winky knowledge. It's open source winky knowledge. Everyone can be a winky owner. I mean, this is a better than the original winky, isn't it, really? It's a yes and

no answer for me. There are a lot of things I like about it because it is not modern and new. It's great. But also because the other one's smaller and more badge-like and it's got that 80s it's it's just got that origin it's got the it's the original thing it's original thing yeah yeah i know i know you're saying but i don't know that's pretty good winky yeah you know i mean i'd be pleased just in terms of it being bigger like who's got the biggest winky you know i mean literally it's not about what you i've got a bigger winky and it's got my name on it do you know i mean that you all you people you've got

a small name. My God, you've got a small name. Buying off all the Winkies. Yeah. Eli, you don't need much space for the right of that, do you? So you're all right. Anyway, the website that you can get the instructions from is rosshudson.co.uk forward slash posts forward slash Winky.

W-I-N-K-I-E. Winky. As in Winky. Yeah. So rosshudson. H-U-N-K-I-E. Winky. As in winky. Yeah, so Ross Hudson. H-U-D-S-O-N. Ross. Ross Hudson. Ross. Ross Hudson. Ross Hudson. Ross Hudson. Dot. Ross Hudson. Ross Hudson. Ross Hudson. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot.

Ross Hudson. Ross Hudson. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Portree ones. Posts. Granular ones. Stop now. It's not working. Dot, dot, you get it. Portree ones. Okay, posts. Granular ones. Stop, no. Modular ones. Don't, it's not working. One that I do in the poulties. Right, anyway, the letters.

I spread it in the poulties. I spread it up my poulties. Let me finish the letter. Modular poulties. Let me please. Modular poulties now. Hopefully, he says. Modular poulties.

I'm going to fucking lamp you. Winky, modular winky. That's what I'd like to see, Paul. A modular Winky. Right. Hopefully, I've extended the lifespan of Winky. There's limited originals in existence. It's true.

And they'll soon be gone. May Winky live forever. Fantastic. In all seriousness, I love the podcast. It's routinely the highlight of my week. Oh, bless. Hope you like the handmade off-brand Winky. Cheers, Ross.

At Ross Hudson. Cheers, Ross. At Ross Hudson. Oh, no. Hoss Rudson. H-O-S-S-R-U-D-S-O-N. And now it's time for the fucking price of shite. Oh, the fucking price of shite. Oh, the fucking price of shite. Oh, the fucking price of shite.

And that's right. That's right indeed. Right. That's a different letter. That's a different letter. Oh, you looked at the fucking prices again just now, didn't you? No, I just said that's a different letter. Fucking.

So it's not the letter. I shall be the recorder of the between. Well, look. I'll take the score, mate. I'll do the score. Okay. It's here. Don't open it.

I presume that's the whole thing. I believe it's even got the name. Just don't look. Don't open it. I presume that's the whole thing. I believe the team got the name. Just don't look. Don't open up anything. There's an envelope. It says price of shite answers, but we've pulled that out, but we haven't read it. There is two items in me hand wrapped in lots of sellotape and cloth.

Oh, hang on. It says here, TVO items both the same price. So there are two items, but they're both the same price. We need three items. Well, there is. There's three items, but two of the same price three items well there is there's three items but two of the same price apparently apparently that's a little wrinkle isn't it little little wrinkle now what's your these look like little they've wrapped in kitchen tissue yes

one's very much heavier than the other can i uh take a picture of the kitchen tissue before we tear upon it two items both the same price in the heavier packet yeah it was a long heavy packet and then there's a bit of weight much lighter much lighter packet yeah what should we do first Both the same price in the heavier packet, Paul. A long, heavy packet. And then there's a smaller, much lighter packet. What should we do first? Open the first one first. And what is the first one? The single one.

Okay, the small, light, square one. I'll open that. Do you mind if I open it? You go ahead. You take the reins, baby boy. And I'll be writing down our guesses for the price. There's nothing else that suggests what range these prices must be? No. I don't know. It might have been a letter, but I've lost a lot of shit. guesses for the price. There's nothing else that suggests what range these prices must be. No.

I don't know. There might have been a letter, but I've lost a lot of shit. We'll make our guesses, but we're only coming up with two prices because those two items are the same price in the other thing. I mean, I presume so. Two items, both the same price.

Okay. That's unambiguous. Okay. I'm having trouble. Can you pass the scissors, please? Pass the meters, Snippers. Just grab them by the meters hook just grab them by the meters hook grab them by the meters hook i've said to you last wednesday he comes around here with his little

spear and he says oh my oh that's he enjoyed that though oh my meters right what is it he's opened it up it's a fridge magnet speaking to the mic he's opened it up it's a fridge magnet speaking to the mic it's a fridge magnet it's a fridge magnet yeah it is a fridge magnet it's great uh it's a picture frame fridge mat fridge magnet it's got some people in a hot tub as a sort of stock photo in there i'll add it to you paul yeah doesn't it what a weird fucking thing it looks like the back of it looks like it either had a stand or a way to pull it out. Possibly,

but can you open it and get the stock photo out so I can slide something else in? I don't know if I can. Let me see, yeah. Let me have a look. There must be a way. Yeah, you've got it.

It opens. There you go. It just pops open. Oh, lovely. It does stick a picture in there. I'm just looking for a little picture. To fit in. That will fit in.

Here we go. Centre Parks. It's Centre Parks. It's from Centre Parks. I'm just looking for a little picture. To fit in. That will fit in. Here we go. Centre Parks. It's Centre Parks. It's from Centre Parks. I can see Centre Parks logo. It's a big fat dad and what looks like his daughters,

well you hope they are. Yeah. Oh God. It's his family. Well, just write the photo. Oh, come here with these

two little girls. And then he goes past the gift shop and sees, he goes, I need to buy all of them goes I need to buy all of them I need to buy all of them is he in a rubber tyre

yeah they're all in rubber tyres going down a big tube a watery tube and I presume it's all very innocent let me see yeah they're sharing

it looks like a a big water raft yeah it's different he seems to be astride some kind of protuberance. So you're going to try and put a different picture in now?

I'm putting a picture in. Give me where's the meters clippers. He's got a bag, a paper bag. I'm going to measure a picture so it fits in there. What are you doing? I'm doing some craft. Doing a bit of craft, mate. He is.

This is wonderful. He's taking out the scissors craft he's taking the scissors and he's cutting out a design from the paper bag which I presume was from

a company called Gosh comics book shops yeah comics book shop a comic book shop yeah

which started off opposite the British Museum but now is in Soho Soho yeah yeah it's funny as well when you go to a charity shop and you see like

piles and piles of some i was so into them i still to this day i have these sort of dreams about discovering a shop that sells all these comics that i want yeah or like a little cachet in a sort of market i'd love to find loads of look-ins and i'd love to find loads of real ghostbuster comic books that is i know i've got a load that That's achievable, isn't it? Yeah. In this world. I'm not going to bend over backwards, though. I'm just measuring this. Oh, he's measuring the glass, and he's trying to make the... Make it fit.

Make it fit. I think I've achieved this. I think he has achieved it quite brilliantly on a limited time. I call it a lady's head. A lady's head. Looking out the window. Well, look at that. You know what?

You've instantly improved it. Yeah, it would look great on a fridge. It almost looks like she's looking at UFOs. She's looking out over the skyline. Yeah. What a great thing that is. Okay, not too bad. Well, I'm going to shake your hand.

There you go. Don't sex-finger me. No, I'm not doing it. That was a proper, honest, cool-blind-me-governor. Well, it just shows the potential for that little... So you took a potentially dodgy candid photograph. Are we guessing in British pound sterling? Yes.

We are. This is from Britland. Yes. Oh, it's from Centre Parcs. Yeah, yeah. It was probably from the Centre Parcs gift shop, wasn't it? We've covered this, haven't we? And it ended up in a charity shop.

We've covered this already. Yes. I'm just trying to get into the second package. Butt plug thing. What? It looks like a chrome butt plug head, doesn't it,

at this moment? It looks like a butt plug. Little small butt plug. The delicate butt for the show. Oh, they are. I think they are. What on earth are they?

Are they butt plugs? They're bottled stops, aren't they? Yeah. Fucking hell, mate. But I bet you, though, they have been up someone's arse and then was like, I'll give them to the charity shop. I won't wash them. I'm giving them a huff.

They do smell a bit like they've been cleaned with something. Anyway, ass. There's some weight to it, though, isn't it? Literally, you could kill someone with one of these. You could kill a mouse with that easily. Right on the skull. Is it definitely a bottle top? Yeah, there's a rubber though, isn't it? You could literally kill someone with one of these. You could kill a mouse with that easily. Right on the skull. Is it definitely a bottle top? Yeah, there's a rubber seal, isn't there?

It seems to be almost too small for the neck of a wine bottle, doesn't it? Is it that way? Shunk? Or is it that way? Shunk? It would be that way, right? Because otherwise it's too long and it would go in the drink. So you'd have to do it that way.

Shunk? Yeah. Wait, there's a little bottle here from a few weeks ago. Uludag. Uludag. It's the fruit-flavoured, clear Uludag. that way shunk yeah wait there's a little bottle here from a few weeks ago this is the ooloo dag it's the fruit flavored clear ooloo dag i'm gonna just rest it upon the top that won't fit it won't go in that way no you don't want the thing sticking right into it well no that's gonna happen isn't it but that must be the way put it down all the way in put it in it won't it's very tight don't you're to break that and cut yourself. It just about goes in. Does it work?

What a terrible thing. So, I'm going to need a price from you. Oh, yeah. Two prices. A price for the first item, which we infinitely preferred. Yes. I'm going to say... Not infinitely. That's stupid. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Sorry. I'm going to say 50p

for the magnet. 50p for the... Shouldn't we do this as a private ballot? No, because otherwise we don't tell anyone. We don't tell the audience and we just reveal the answer. I'll say 70p. 70p. 70p for the magnet. 70p for the magnet.

So remember what you said, yeah? I said 50p. And I said 70p. And let's go over the rules one more time. If you get the price spot on, you get two points and that means between between exactly if you're 25p either way out from the answer you get just the one between between however if you get oh it doesn't really matter there's not enough to be in order so you get two or one that's why i invented between to try and lively up that fucking bit of the show, Paul. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? I've lost faith in it.

Petwing. Right, so the book plug bottle caps. Yeah. What do you think? Shall I guess this one first? Yes. That's only fair. Yeah. Because then you go under, over, over, over.

Petwing, petwing, or just a petwing? All right. Paul, go on then. What do you think? They're quite weighty. They're reasonably well made. Two pounds. Two pounds. No, but they're the same price. Oh, yeah. What do you think? They're quite weighty. They're reasonably well made. Two pounds. Two pounds.

No, but they're the same price. What are you saying? Oh. Pound each? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I'll say pound each. Pound each.

I'll go pound each. That's a problem because I would have gone with that as well. Yeah, well, you might. Go say 99p each and then you get the between because you're closer. What if I say they're 75p each? We could all just completely between out here

and not score anything at all I'm gonna say you need to guess the price of shite I'm gonna say £1.50

75p each 75p each yeah it's a good guess I might have gone for that if I had gone for the much more

attractive £1 apiece yeah yeah you have to admit it was good the guess you would have gone for probably I don't know you just said that The much more attractive a pound a piece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to admit, it was good. The guess you would have gone for, probably. I don't know.

You just said that. Yeah. What am I reaching for? Oh, the answers. Yes. Han, are you ready? Yes, I am. Is it going to be a betwing fest?

Is it going to be a blank out? It's a betwing fest. Who do you think's got it? Who do you think's got this in the bag? Is it a tiebreaker? Probably you this week. I might win this week. Is that what you're saying?

So I just want to quickly say, I said 50p for the magnet and 75p each for the bottle top bumhole. Bumholes. Bumholes. Bumhole rod. Spunk. I know, you just threw it in. And you said, how much for the magnet?

One pound? No. How much did you say? 70p. 70p, all right. And a pound apiece for the but? £1? No. How much did you say? 70p. 70p, all right. And a pound apiece for the butthole scrunkers. Scrunkers? That's a great pop band.

The butthole scrunkers. Don't, don't. Are you going to write that down? No. Bloody hell. It's a bit too much like the butthole surfers. It is. Right. I'm quite disturbed with a picture I see.

What's in it? It depicts our friend, stroke, enemy in real life. Oh, the Edmonds. The Edmonds. We haven't spoken of the Edmonds in a while. It's quite disturbing, anyway. He's done fuck all, that's why. The lonely psychopath. Check it out. He's naked. He's on the set of Deal or No Deal

and he's got a little micro phallus. He's got a little dingle on. Oh my god. Look at his little dingle. That is... There's a dinosaur on the table, a little Barney dinosaur. Barney the dinosaur. Who'd have thought it?

Are you ready? Yeah. Fridge magnet. Yeah. You said... 50p. I said... 70p.

50p. On the nose. Give me those betwings, Mr. Silverman. There's an item missing. Oh, no, is there? Yeah. That's all I have. Where's the packaging?

That's it. I gave you everything. That was it. No, it's not. What's missing? What's missing? A doll. Oh.

You left it at home. I did. Because I thought it was... Yeah. Okay. So imagine a doll. But like, you know, there's ones with the kind of eyes that roll back and the head that's hard for the body soft?

This is no. I'm not going to accept this. Just imagine it. I will not. I know the price. It's one pound. How do you know? I don't.

That was on me guessing right now. You're lucky it isn't because I would suspect foul play. Okay, but I don't know. So you've got a chance for more betwings just by leaving it at home. Right, well, quick. You get the... I can tell you now. You've scored two fucking betwings for the fridge magnet.

Excellent. Petwing, petwing. But I do get a petwing because 70p is only 20p above 50p. Well done, you played a good game there. Can I have that?

Just give me the petwing. Petwing. Thank you. You haven't done the petwings for me. Petwing, petwing. Thank you. It's been a fucking petwing fest the first round.

I had to do my own. But I... A butt plug, bottle stop. I said 75p plug. Yeah. Bottle stop. I said 75p each. It is 75p each. Are you fucking joking me? Oh, mate.

Have you cheated? No, I haven't cheated. Are you cheating? Because I opened it before we started the show. I tore the bag. Petwing, Petwing. Mate.

I don't even get one there, do I? Oh, yeah. I said a pound. It's right on 25p. Give it to me. Give it to me now. No, no, it's not. Yes, it is. It's not. I said £1.50 for both. And I said £ pound. It's right on 25p. Give it to me. Give it to me now. No, no, it's not.

Yes, it is. It's not. I said £1.50 for both. And I said £2 for both. Yeah, so you're 50p out, not 20p. No, because they're separate prices. So separate prices means you... I said a pound each.

I said they were a pound each. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Wow, that got a real technical. That's one between each then. It wasn't one price. So that's two betwings, but one between each. It's the same price.

Yeah. But I get... Two betwings, but one each.. It's the same price. Yeah. But I get... Two betwings, but one each. Oh, so you get four betwings. Is that what you're saying? I've lost count of the betwings. No, by strict rules. You're right, Paul.

Because it's two items. So you've got one betwing each. You've got four betwings, and I've got two there. So I've got eight. It's been an absolute betwing fest. Fucking hell. And then we only... One item

So how many Petuits have I got in all I've got Four and eight No you've got No the fridge magnet You've got two four It's one item

Okay two on its own You've got six And then two Plus four Yeah Which is So six So I've got eight in all

No you've got six Fuck I've got six It's very easy Alright how many have you got then Because you've got two ones And one one didn't you Yeah I had three So you've got six. It's very easy. All right. How many have you got then? Because you got two ones and one one, didn't you? Yeah. I had three.

You got three. Yeah. So, and we can't do the dolly, but I forgot to bring it. But it was a little dolly. But you should, you need. Yeah. You said, what, your guess was a quid. Yeah.

You were wrong there. All right. How much was it? It's £1.50. Okay. How much would you have guessed? £1.50. All right.

Well, you get two betwings. Betwing, betwing. So, five betw much would you have guessed? £1.50. All right, well, you get two per twing. Per twing, per twing! So five per twings for Eli, six per twings for Paul, and that's how you play the Price of Shite. Yeah. Yay! Put that in my fridge. Does it say who sent it on the letter?

Yeah, sorry. We should do that. We should do that. Sorry. Crisps, rubbers, and most sauces are from Thailand. That's a weird name. It just says that out of the blue. Okay.

Most sauces are from Thailand. I'd contest that. Yeah. Perhaps this person sent something else. Maybe. Crisps, rubbers and sauces, I reckon. I think I've given you the rubbers then. And maybe the sauces as well.

Have you? Separately. I haven't had sauces. Mate, I reckon. I think I've given you the rubbers then, and maybe the sauces as well. Have you? Separately. I haven't had sauces, mate. I don't want to get into that, but... Name? I haven't had sauces. You have had sauces. I have not had sauces from you!

I fucking haven't, mate. Name? Samuel. Thank you. Sam the King 25. Thank you, Samuel. Mr. Al Purchase. Thank you, Mr. Al Purchase. Thank you, Mr. Al Purchase.

I think maybe. God, we can't remember what we even fucking say. I don't think it's even a reference to something we did. I'm just like, nappy. Put nappy on. Put dog nappy on. Hello, I am linen finish. No.

No. That is not canon linen finish. We need to go to the next segment. I just want to say, Samuel says, many thanks for making such an amazing and funny podcast. Oh, thank you, Samuel. Thank you for the price of shine. That was a good price of shine.

Sorry, Paul ruined it. But I still won. You did. Yes, you did. But you still got five for Twings. When was the last time you had more than one? You gave me a fucking sympathy

for Twing there. We both know it. At least you got a Twing. I was happy with fucking three for Twings. That is more than I've made in years but you've had five now I can't just get two per twings

just from seeing it written down yeah I'm going to give you it because I cocked up I don't want it because I cocked up mate and I think you should get

there are three real per twings you should benefit from my it's three real per twings and it's good enough for me no you got five per twings mate

you've earned those five per twings for your intelligence and've earned those five petwings. For your intelligence and my negligence, alright? Petwing, petwing, petwing, petwing, petwing. Just for you. What's happened to us? We've gone petwing... Barmy!

No, I'm getting petwing drunk! welcome back from the sound effect everybody uh now it's time for silverman's platters why don't you vote below on what your favorite sound effect is is it the cash till is it the bank machine paying out or maybe it's the coins in a cup? Or maybe you like my little bespoke ones that I do sometimes. You haven't done one in years, I think actually, and even the ones I think you did do, I would probably cut out. So I don't think anyone's ever heard you all between...

No, no, no. I like, I call this one a... What are you doing? I call this one... Oh, sorry. What are you doing? I'm fine. You're not. You're very not. Call this one. Oh What are you doing? I'm fine You're not You're very not Call this one Oh Shut up

Twat He tried to shake the coins And instead just threw coins Across the room What are you doing? Stop foraging in your bedroom I'm going to give you A sound effect mate

Go on Do you call this The Nescafe? Doesn't make any sense Maybe those ads Yeah but they were Coffee beans He always had it in his hand Yeah Yeah that's why I call it the Nescafe? Doesn't make any sense. Maybe those ads. Yeah, but they were coffee beans. He always had it in his hand. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why I call it the Nescafe. I'm showing him the beans. No, you're not. As if... You're not showing me the beans. Dear listener, imagine the coins are the beans. I'm referring to the coins as the beans. Beans?

No, don't say that. We can do it. I reckon we can. What's he going to do? Stop me? What's he going to do? Tramp on the street. That's a new sound effect for you. That's a very distasteful one, I thought. I'm not going to put that one in. No, tramp. Not

a homeless person. Vote below, ladies and gentlemen, if you thought that was insensitive. And one of the rare occasions of Eli really punching down for humour. I'm not punching down. You want me to censor this now, do you? that was insensitive and one of the rare cases of Eli really punching down for humour. I'm not punching down. You want me to censor this now, do you? This and the dog fucking. You're a monster this week, Mr Silverman.

Drawing a line under the dog fucking. Don't even mess with me on that. Honestly. I can't wait for the day when Out of Context Cheap Show Twitter feed just has that line. What? Drawing a line

under the dog fucking and we'll look at it and go what fucking episode is that from oh no and I'll say it's the one

when you lost your shit I didn't lose my shit yeah I haven't lost my shit you have I'm feeling fine now alright so without you

I'm doing fine now without you baby you remember that one yes I do it was the four tops nah yeah Without you, I'm doing fine now. Without you, baby. You remember that one? Yes, I do. It was the Four Tops. Nah. Yeah, it was.

It was. It wasn't. It was like the Chi-Lites or something. Commodores. Persuaders. The Avengers. The X-Men. Which one are you plumping for?

Justice League. Oh, I saw a shot called Pumpkin Express. What kind of shop was it? It was like a restaurant, but I think they misspelled pumpkin. Pumpkin. They thought pumpkin was spelled... I'm going to have to write pumpkin down. I want to be the pumpkin.

Yeah. Pump King Express. But the thing is, they spent loads of money on a really sort of quite expensive sign. And it was like Pump King Express. That sounds like a like a porn train or something yeah oh that's our next special right orgy on the pumpkin express i saw that and i also saw something less amusing but i've still amused me which was like a polish uh polish del deli, which on the side said, ham sausages.

Like I say, it didn't amuse me as much as pumpkin. Or, you know, at all, in this context. Or anyone listening. Ham sausages. Stop it! Do you know how many words I can pull from your mouth today and use as titles for the episode?

I know. Episode 163, ham sausages. So funny. You don't get ham sausages. That's why it's funny. But is it though? No. No.

What's funny is you finding it amusing and then laughing yourself into a state of madness. No, I'm fine. I told you I was fine. That's on a good t-shirt as well. Eli, Jacob, I fucked Don Silverman. That is losing his

fucking mind this week. What a shame. What a downfall. What are we doing? He's the most favourite member of all the shows he's involved in. Where's Eli? What's he doing? He can't take the shows he's involved in where's Eli what's he doing he can't take the popularity

he can't take the fame it's gone to his head I'm fine told you when his appearance in

Stuart Ashen's film comes out I don't do that there I say stuff yeah but there'll be premieres you'll go to

and interviews and you have to do EPKs haven't they had the premiere already they've had the premiere the character's

very interesting what are we doing spaff EPKs. Haven't they had the premiere already? They've had the premiere. The character's very interesting. What are we doing? Spaff. You've lost it, mate. We're doing... You have lost it. Mini platters. Admit that you've lost it.

I haven't. Say, I am a dick who has lost it. You are a dick who has lost it. Right. Don't do that. What are you doing? You're losing your mind. Don't do that What are you doing? You're losing your mind Don't do that

Calm down We're doing What are we doing? We're doing the platters The fuck? Oh yeah Right Platter time everybody

This is the section of the show Watching this podcast From my point of view Watching it Has become like a thrilling stunt show where like all the explosions

and stunts are happening on Eli's face shut up shut up right we're doing a little mini platters aren't we

we're only doing two we're not talking about all of this crap no just do the two oh I need to organise it you don't there's only two and you know which two

they are the front the singles alright and not an honourable mention for Disco Erotica to organise it. You don't. There's only two. And you know which two they are? The front. The singles. All right. And not an honourable mention for Disco Erotica? Let's give Disco... Oh, no, you know what?

We should save that because when we went down the rabbit hole, it led to an interesting side story. So let's save that for another time. That is an interesting

side story. Very cheap show on message as well, isn't it? Yeah. So we'll hop on to that. A little thing to look forward to on another edition of Splatters coming up. Just as long as we remember. I've found

them, Paul. Good. Were they at the front like I literally said? Yes. That's another thing I've won. All I've done is win today. All you've done is lose your mind. I know, I know. I'm sorry, everyone. I truly am. Shut up. Shut up. I'm not saying anything. It's a stupid Goonies t-shirt that's putting me off. I'm face level with it. I truly am shut up shut up

I'm not saying anything it's a fucking stupid Goonies t-shirt that's putting me off I'm like face level with it I feel like I'm on that island with them you shouldn't be

looking for the boat that's not a scene that happened in the film is it bullshit that's not a scene that happened in the film is it

what they all watch the boats sail away at the end do they yes I don't know if it's exactly that image it's not like that

don't look like that it sails away from under a mountain it doesn't go out into the open sea does it it's in the fucking no anyway it does because the whole i don't like the goodies i like the bit where he shuffles his truffle i mean that's fucking great obviously but that's it one moment shut up talking because all you're going to do is talk yourself into an angry moment where you'll complain about yourself and your own actions and then when you find out the ridiculousness of it and it twigs that's when you have another mental breakdown and the loop continues this constant spiraling fucking cavalcade of fucking crap yeah welcome to silverman's platter

welcome to silverman's platters this is can't do it. Do it. Welcome to Silverman's Platters. This is the... Eight minutes and we haven't started yet. This is the section of the show where I introduce records, which I've bought. Yeah, I mean,

that's factually true. The Platters That Matter on Silverman's Platters brought to you by the patron saint of this segment, Clyde McFatter. Thank you. And the first one today

let's go to the one which is not that funny and is a bit unsettling unsettling Mini Pops it's a 7 inch single I've picked up

talking to the microphone it's a 7 inch single that I've picked up Paul now is it a little EP I didn't actually listen to it I was preparing the house of pickles

that's not a euphemism I'll tell the audience what Mini Pops is before we go into what the single is preparing the house of pickles. That's not a euphemism. I'll tell the audience what Mini Pops is before we go into what the single is. So, and this is me reading from Wikipedia now.

Mini Pops was a television series broadcast in 1983 on Channel 4 in the United Kingdom. Designed primarily for younger viewers, it consisted of

music performances on a brightly coloured set featuring pre-teen children singing then contemporary pop music hits and older classics. The children were made to look like the original performers, including clothing and makeup. Controversy over children singing songs that often contained the subtext of adult content in adult costumes and makeup led to the show's cancellation after one series. One series. So the criticism actually who history was mini pops was the brainchild of martin wyatt who created a new child group from

london called the mini pops and released an album of 19 in 1982 which reached the top 30 in uk and europe this resulted in the french record label releasing a single from the album cupid stupid cupid that's not this no which was sung by martin wyatt's young daughter joe the song reached number one in france knocking ebony and iry off the top stupid cupid stupid cupid i presume so yeah it's not no his is cupid draw back your bow stupid cupid stop playing you done me who did it say had the original hit? A version of... I'll go to the link. Howard Greenfield and Neil Sedaka were getting a hit for Connie Francis.

Right. Oh, yes. Doop-de-doop-dee. I've got it now. Yeah? You've brain-wormed me. Good. I mean, ear-wormed me.

Paul, this might be a moment to bring up your ear-worm ability. Yeah, I was thinking of... It's in the music part of the show. I was thinking of charting that on Twitter in the future. Every time I wake up with an ear-worm, I'll announce what it is. You have an earworm.

If you were a superhero, your ability to instill earworms with just a couple of bars from across the room or downstairs. I was thinking of the B-52s we had this morning. Rome. Yes. It's a great track. And Give Me Back My Man. Check that track out. It's a fucking wicked track.

Robster? I mean, by the lobsters. No, by the B-52s. Sorry Gimme Back My Man. Check that track out. It's a fucking wicked track. Robster? I mean, by the lobsters. No, by the B-52s. Sorry, the lobster people. I associate them with lobsters. Would you like to do a different podcast, Eli? What do you mean? Just on your own.

Do you want to just lock you in a room with a microphone? Drop some acid. You were explaining the mini-pops to me and I felt safe for a moment. Safe for myself. Head of entertainment myself head of entertainment cecil cora channel 4 and record producer mike manfield embraced the idea of producing a tv show around the mini pops it believed it would boost and broaden the group's audience appeal so channel 4 in general yes uh on july 4 july 4th 1982 thousands of amateur child performers from

across britain descended onto a London theatre to audition in a search to find additional children to sing and star in the TV show along with the for me that must have been a fucking nightmare because I've never understood waiting you know I've never understood the appeal of those kind of bands

where it's like let's get really young kids to sing songs because young kids won't want to buy that stuff. Young kids don't want to hear themselves be successful in the pop charts. So it's for mothers and older women and questionable men.

It's a cliche, but a lot of pop is, that was the cliche about pop. It's bought by two main markets. Homosexual men and teenage women it seems that the mini that's a cliche that's what they say about pop it feels like mini pops are designed to appeal to mothers mothers and maybe like aunties you know those kind of things yeah but what you i think what you're trying to say paul is it kind of appeals to nonces by mistake so

you can't do that is that's what you're saying. Well, the problem is, is that, okay, so here we go. We're going to just play the track because I'll be honest, the track is awful. It's a bunch of children singing. That was their single,

but then what, this is from the TV show. We've got an EP. Let's just explain the technical details of this platter. We're all higgity-jiggity. It's an EP,

which is a seven-inch record with multiple tracks on. Extended play. So you've got three tracks, though. Yeah, three or four or maybe up to five. So even with three, you can still call it an EP? I would, yeah. All right.

And also, an EP generally has a picture cover, which is unusual for seven-inch records in Britain. Okay. So they're little sort of mini albums that people like the Kinks and those 60s bands would have loads of them. There's loads of them. Okay. And the Beatles had EPs. That up there, the beatles twist and shout is yeah i'll bring

that down and show that no it's all right i can see it for me i don't i don't care you need to look at the back yeah i know it's got all kinds of stuff that's an ep how many tracks per side has that got twist and shout a taste of honey do you want to know a secret and there's a place four tracks on a 45 rpm ep so i just trying, that's the classic format. Yeah. This is one of those. This seems more like a single though, with just two tracks on side B,

because they're both short. Side A is a horrible, boring version of When You Wish Upon A Star. And I don't want to play that because it's awful, but I do want to play the beginning of side B. Side B, which is called... Why Can't We Love Each Other All Year Round? Hmm. Why can't we love each other all year round?

Light up the world and shine it all around. Caring and sharing. Oh, why can't we love each other all year round? Oh, why can't we love each other all year round? Everybody's heart should be Singing out in harmony Thank you. I mean, it's upbeat, but it's still awful. It's very, very awful. I don't know if it's taken from something, but then the other side has also a second track.

What is that track? Bright Eyes. Oh, fucking hell. Written by Mike Batt. Can I ask a question? He's been doing the rounds. You know he's got a book out, Mike Batt. No.

Of the Wombles. Is he the songwriter of Bright Eyes? Is he the worst songwriter ever? Ever, who ever lived? It's like everything he writes is like bad gravy. Bad gravy. It's like you think there's beef in it, but actually it's quite runny. It's thin.

You think it's thin gruel. Bright Eyes is one of the worst fucking songs ever. But people remember it for that three-second hook that the chorus had. That's what you can make it. You can make it as a producer and a songwriter. And also, what if you get one hook of that quality? I personally don't care for Mike Batt either. No.

And find him obnoxious when I've seen him in an interview. But you've got to hand it to him. He's right up his own arse. That's a good hook, isn't it? Yeah, but he's up his own arse. He's part of that weird corner of Britain that existed in the 70s and 80s where everything was beige. And everything was drawn with coloured pencils.

You know what I'm saying? The country, weird, beige, hunt, kids having adventures in the forest adventure show you're talking about Scarfook again and then you're crawling into the darkness

of the 70s what shipped down which is like hey how is Britain going to compete with Disney's animation studios

well let's do a cartoon show about horrible rabbits dying horribly and innocent lives dying and it's a bit miserable it's grim

what should our follow up be plague dogs about dogs that escape from a lab was Mike that horrible rabbits dying horribly and innocent lives dying and it's a bit miserable. It's grim. Grim. What should our follow-up be? Plague Dogs? About dogs that escape from a lab and are full of plague? Was Mike that involved in Plague Dogs as well? Don't know. He did The Hunting of the Snark.

Yeah, which we... And his book that apparently he has out now is like a fantasy sort of novel with all grumbles and squawkle trades and booble shankles and wiggin' bongin' smongin' slangs and boogie boogie boogie bo wiggy bongy smong and slangs. That sounds... Boogoo boogoo boogoo. Spurft.

Come on. Get away from the dog fucking. Back to Spurft. I'm sorry about the tramp side effect as well. Take that out. Please. Make me look better. Please.

I do every week, mate. Mike Batt. So he obviously, he was into that. Anyway, so their version of it is, again, insipid. And it's just like, who's that appealing to? It's awful, awful stuff. So anyway, they made the TV show. And the series was a success for Channel 4.

It had 2 million viewers. Wow. It's one of those things where I can remember it going on and people reacting badly to it. But you keep it on because it's like what do you call car crash you go i can't believe i'm watching this yeah all right little thought was given to the ethics of child performing songs originally written for older artists and dressing and dancing in a provocative style inappropriate yes often influenced by the original performance

whilst embraced by children who love the idea of ordinary kids singing and dancing, as they did along with their favourite songs, the show sat uneasily with some adults. This was capped by a performance from Joanna Fisher, who covered the Sheena Easton song, Nine to Five, in nightclothes, and included the lyrics, Nighttime is the right time, we make love. In response, the programme began attracting criticism from commentators in the British Isles, who suggested that children being portrayed in this manner was somewhat sinister.

One caller on Channel 4's right to reply fumed, Mini Pops should be called Mini Whores! Are you people out of your mind? Whoa! Hot take! Jesus! See, the internet existed all the way back in 1980s. Fuck Mini Whores! He's attacking the performers. Yeah. The Daily Mail charged Minnie Pops

with partial responsibility for the slaying of childhood and criticised, oh God, the show. That's really depressed me, that guy, the Minnie Horse guy. Is it merely priggish to feel queasy at the sight of primary school minxes with rouge cheeks, eye makeup

and full gloss lipstick belting out songs like Torch Singers and waggling those places where they will eventually have places oh the final act of this week's daily mail the last final act of last week's show featured a chubby blonde totlet thigh high to a pedophile in a raw raw skirt and high heels her black knickers were extensively flashed as she bounced around singing the words, See that guy all dressed in green? He's not a man, he's a loving machine.

Fucking hell. A shop window full of junior jailbait. What does the show thrust premature sexual awareness onto its wide-eyed performers? Christ. That is definitely the Daily Mail having its cake and eat. Listen to this filth in great detail as I stroke my

cock as I write. Can you imagine the filth of this? I'm going to describe it. I know. The whole tone is like, that's so 80s though, the tone, that tabloid tone. That Fleet Street wank. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.

So yeah, discography, they released an album. They had a TV show and some specials. They were popular in Canada. They had a three-week tour in 1983. Okay. They're a thing. Yeah. They're not my thing.

Goes without saying, really. Anyway, that was awful shit. Fucking hell, that's terrible. How many stars do you give that? One. I won't go there. I won't dame. Before we move on, it was this situation

where I think a year and a half ago when I was still living in Cambridge, there was a charity shop and in it, there was the full album of mini-pops where every track was one of them doing Boy George or Madonna or Madness and things like that.

And I thought, wouldn't that be great for Cheap Show? It's 25p. It's such a good thing to talk about in terms of the topic. And I thought, but I'm not picking it up and taking it on its own to a counter. The walk of shame.

Oh, he's buying an album with kids dressed in fishnets and skirts. It's like, why are you buying this, sir? It's for a podcast, man. Oh, yeah, that sounds even worse. I'd rather not. It's for a podcast. It's not a great excuse for anything. It's not a great excuse. Go look at your hard drive. It's for a podcast, mum. Oh yeah, that sounds even worse. It's more than not. It's for a podcast. It's not a great excuse for anything. It's not a great excuse. No.

Go look at your hard drive. It's for a podcast! Yeah, exactly. I've washed my hands. It's all these dog fucking videos, Eli. No, shut up! I could get done. People will think of me as a dog fucker. Good. Every fucking time you drop something or a fucking biffo drops something. Oh, Paul Gannon fucks puppets. You wanted me to fuck a dog

on the 150th episode. If you thought, quote unquote, it would be really funny. Did I? And I begged you to say, can we make it something more like I had sex with hand puppets? Because I didn't want to be seen as a dog fucker because it gets out of hand on comments on Twitter, etc. Well, it didn't go out. The dog fucker comment

about you didn't go out, did it? So you're putting it out now that I'm a dog fucker, which is completely false. You found it funny, though, when you putting it out. So you're putting it out now that I'm a dog fucker, which is completely false. You found it funny, though, when you brought it up. So why is it only funny when it's me, eh? Fucking hell, you've got a complex. You are a proper fucking bunny boiler, aren't you? Yeah.

Fucking fuck off. I didn't buy mini pops from watch Dog Talk. Shut up. What's next on the list? Oh, God. I know where this is going. What is it, Eli? What's the on the list? Oh god I know where this is going What is it Eli? What's the song that you bought?

I see what you've done now You bastard What's this song that you You're trying to win everything this fucking week Aren't you? What's the song that you bought? I'm just going to put honorable mentions of other discs What did you buy Eli Silverman? What's the song called? What's the song that you bought? I'm just going to put honorable mentions of other discs. What did you buy, Eli Silverman?

What's the song called? What's it about? Oh, fucking hell, mate. Come on. All right. Come on. Drum roll, please. This is a song called Put the Bone In.

What's it about? It's by Terry Jackson. It's called Put the Bone In. What's it about? Shut up. Well, it's a pastiche. I'll talk about the style first, Paul. Yeah.

You take your time, mate. It's a pastiche western song. Hey, listener. The song's called Put the Bone In. What do you think it's about? Let's see if you get it right. It's a pastiche western song hey listener the song's called Put The Bone In what do you think it's about let's have a see if you get it right

it's a pastiche western song Terry Jacks on the Bell label I've got it with the press out centre is intact so that very good condition

however I'm more interested outside of the condition called Put The Bone In and it tells the story in song form of a conversation, really,

that happens between a woman who goes into a butcher's shop. She basically... It's fine. It's totally fine. Her dog... Her dog's been run over. Her dog's been run over. Her dog's been run over and her request is, put the bone in.

She's buying some meat. We know what kind of meat it is from the lyrics. It's pork meat. But it's very suggestive, isn't this song? It's more like a song about, oh, go and put the bone in for my dog. Put the bone in, she begged me. It's one of the lyrics.

I can see why you were attracted to this song. The pork meat is me is one of the lyrics I can see why you were attracted the pork meat is sweet is one of the you probably bought this thinking it was one thing and you got another didn't you you thought it was

going to be a lovely touching song about a man fucking a dog no I did not and instead you got a sad story I can't believe

I'm denying that as if I actually believe you think I fuck that you fuck dogs I fuck dogs I fuck dogs I do not dogs. I fuck dogs. I do not fuck dogs.

It's too late. The suggestion's out there in the wind. You could get done by the RSPCA. You could. I've done nothing. You should get done for spreading malicious anti-dog... You've got evidence right in your hand of you with your dog obsession. You can't stop buying things about dogs. It's disgusting.

How many? Just look around. This is the only dog-based thing within eyesight here in the House of Pimples. Yeah? Yeah. Can you spot another dog thing? Dog things? Look, there's a frog. I'm into frogs as well, Paul. Whatever else, we've got a fish up there. We've got a frog there. Yeah, two frogs and a crocodile. Yeah, but dogs...

And that Nerf thing. Do you know what I do with that, Paul? I do both rounds. I go round. What does that mean? Oh, you mean, oh, you've got a Frisbee that you throw to dogs. No, it's a Nerf calculator lizard. But here's the thing, you're not thinking wrong. I don't expect you to have things with dogs in this room. Why? I expect you to have things

that dogs like, like a Frisbee on your mirror hanging down. You throw that to dogs. They get to lure them, don't you? I've got nothing to do with dogs, I'm telling you. You throw them out and you throw them frisbee and they go, and they come back

and then you take it into your van and you do whatever it is you do. I don't drive. Easily disproved by the fact I don't have a driver's license. You've got another frisbee right there. It's one of those foldable ones. It's not a dog frisbee.

A dog would destroy that. What's that foldable one that you had in a little pouch as well? That's one where you're having emergencies, isn't it? You're having your back pocket on the fly in case you're walking through the park. Where is that?

That's a very good one. Yeah, where do you leave the evidence? I bet it's in a dog. Have I lost that? I've lost my Skyro, my fold-up Skyro. Yeah, well, I reckon it's in a park. I reckon it's behind there. It's in Camden Park under a bench.

So the song's called... When you wrestled the dog down and took pictures of it. So the song... Listen, this is... You're skirting very dark territory. It's funny you've got a few dog toys as well, haven't you? No, I don't. Squeaky dog toys, things that dogs would like.

No, I don't. This room is a crime scene. You're making stuff up. This podcast is over. I'm doing, this has become a true crime podcast again. There's a crocodile, miniature teapot. Do I like to fuck them as well? No.

Well, what are you trying to say? That's what you pour dog treats out from. Can we discuss the song, please, Paul? Oh, yeah. Put the bone in, she boked me. So the story is, she's like, put the bone in. My dog got hit by a car. And put the bone in.

I want him to be okay. And we don't know. It's quite hard to tell whether the dog is actually dead or just injured at home. I don't know. What turns you on most? But you know, wouldn't you if you're going to get your dog a bone, you wouldn't have to wait for it to get hit by a car before he's like a special treat. No, it's just saying it's poorly. It's been hit by

a car, so I'm going to give it a treat by giving it a bone. Is that the subject for a song? Put the bone in. Is that a subject for a song? Well, apparently. The pork meat is sweet and I give it my hairy treat. Put the bone in. She begged me, and she gaped open. Does it actually sound like that? It actually sounds like this.

Put the bone in, she asked him at the store. Cos my doggie's been hit by a car. And I do want to bring him home something. Put the bone in. She begged him once more. him once more. The meat from the pork is sweet.

Give the bone from the pork meat to me. Put the bone in. She begged him As she paced around the floor Put the bone in She yelled out once more

And it's fine Put the bone in She begged me You lost your shit when you heard it here before It's a funny song, I think it's funny. It's all right. That bit where he goes to park me in the street. It doesn't upstate its welcome.

It's nice and short. I'll say that for it. Also, it has children singing on it, doesn't it? Yeah. At some point, they sort of back him up at the end. Yeah. It's just weird how all this kid stuff... I was trying to get some platters together.

There was that other circus tune. They didn't make it on platters today. Ooh, la, la. Los Machachos. Machachos. Los Machach Yeah. Los Machachos. Machachos. Los Machachos. Los Machachos.

Might as well play a bit of that as well. Go on. Los Machachos is now with Ooh La La La La. tous les soirs Il faut être en scène dans une heure à peine Oulala, oulala, oulala Oulala, oulala, oulala Comme tous les enfants sont déjà à l'île Nous on se prépare et on se maquille

Oulala, oulala, oulala La vie pour nous commence avec les jours Amon et Pedro vont nourrir les chevaux Pachon et Juan répétent de leur goût Et puis tous ensemble on monte les chapiteaux Oulala, oulala, oulala, oulala Mona et Garen, Miguel quelque part That's got kids in it as well, hasn't it? Yeah, it's better than anything that's done in Britain,

because all Britain's stuff is, Grandma, we love you, and Grandad. That fad of putting children's voices on records is very much over with, I'm, for one, I'm very glad. Is it Winifred Skill Boys Choir or something? There's loads of records like that and they obviously were doing it in Europe as well. It's just like get a bunch of kids in a circus

tent and get them to go ooh la la nonsense. Some overbearing fucking theatre mum is all like, no, no, no, all look like the same thing. God, the world's so awful. It is, isn't it? Isn't it an awful world? But you know what makes it better? Laughter. Joy and laughter

and sharing a silly little giggle on the way to ultimate... Yeah, what? Attacking one of your best friends with a fallacious, made-up perversion and not even one that's ridiculous, like puppets or sort of, you know, a bit lightweight,

but actually fucking dogs. Abuse of animals. Fucking... And then you wouldn't drop it. You wouldn't fucking drop it at any stage. All I'm saying is that this episode is a clear win for Paul. It's a clear win. Fine. Yeah?

Let's wrap this up. Have we done enough? We have done more than enough to damage your reputation. You've done your fair share. I added a little bit of petrol to that flame and I was all like, woof, up like that. Also, I didn't mean to say woof and get you excited, Mr. Silverman. Shut up.

Dog fucker Silverman. Fuck. No. Stop it. That's what we'll call the episode. Episode 163. Oh, I think. Eli fucks a dog.

Do you know what I think? In all seriousness. Paul. Yeah. I think people are going to think you're cruel. You don't like it when people think you fucks a dog you know what I think in all seriousness Paul yeah I think people are going to think you're cruel you don't like it when people think you're cruel

do you no I think they'll listen back and they see how I played you like let me just say one thing your delight I don't often get the win that you'd

for some reason got on a dog fucking tangent way early on then your delight when you realised that the record at the very end of the show was called Put the Bone In, was about a dog.

You didn't plan that. You were the most delighted I've seen you in ages. I saw it coming halfway through. I really did. Oh, you're the mastermind, are you? What have you got? Dog fucker. You're going to just talk yourself into another mental breakdown again, are you?

Because I'm more than happy to let you go. It's just because you're fucking prodding me. Keep prodding me. W, W, W, W. Shut up. Right. Now to end on, we're going to play my favourite game with Eli tries to do all the social media stuff

and when he's not, he gets a slap. I can do it. So here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. I don't want to try it. No, you do it. All right. That's it, I'm done.

You sure? Yep. I'll give you a freebie. You can have one go and I won't slap you if you get it wrong. So give me the website address. Five years, Eli. We've got the website for you. www.

www. Five W's. No. Just have it as red. Do you want to start again? Clean slate. www. www.

That's five again. You did two then. No, I didn't. And then you did three. Start again. Make it clean. www.theche five again. You did two then. No, I didn't. And then you did three. Start again. Make it clean. www.thecheapshow.com No.

.org. .co.uk You fucking... No, I won't take it from you. You don't anyway, otherwise you wouldn't know it by now. You don't absorb facts. Just dogs.

I don't absorb dogs. No, you don't. I don't have anything to do with dogs. Keep bringing it up. I have stuff to say and stuff, and you've just totally bedraggled me. Shut up. Don't start getting the violin out now to get some late-in-the-day sympathy. All right?

When you've clearly lost your fucking mind this week. I haven't lost my mind. It was okay. Your constant make-or-breakdowns, your mad laughter, your dog obsession. It's just gone out of hand this week. I have a... Playing cards. There we go.

Spurfed. If you want to email us about anything, you can. You can just email us thecheapshow at gmail.com. And the pictures and videos that accompany this episode are on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. On Twitter, at thecheapshowpod I'm at Paul Gannon Show Eli is

Eli Snoidy L-I-S-N-O-I-D and we're also on Reddit and we also have it was that porn story that just it did me in mate it did me in

the porn story did me in sorry Tumblr and other social media and if you like our podcast it helps to rate and review it on Twitter and platforms.

We do. Have you said about the streams? Yeah, we do Twitch every now and then. It's random. So if you follow us on Twitter, you'll find out that way. Or, you know, it's Cheap Show Etc. I stick stuff in his face.

Cheap Show Etc. I put stuff in his face. Stuff you blow up. You often put inflatable stuff right in my face. Inflatable into his face. And make sexy movements. Right into his face. And then says, go on, bark for me. I do not do that.

Is that it then? I think so, actually. Fucking hell. Thank you for joining us once again for another mad cap edition of Cheap Shade. Worst episode ever. You always say that. No, but I truly believe it in this moment. I don't know.

We'll find out, won't we? We truly do. We'll find out. It was all dog fucking me, dog fucking the whole thing. But we didn't do any characters, really. But to sum up, here's what you can expect. Here's what you can expect in the coming weeks. You can expect to meet the Pump King, Captain Inch,

the Betwingtings, Middling Holding, Cry Wanker, and Linen Finish. Yeah. All coming up over the next couple of episodes. Definitely. Right, is that it? Yeah. Well done.