CheapShow - Ep 164: How To Be A Complete Inch Lord

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

If there is one thing that Paul and Eli know how to be, it's how to be a bastard! Over the past 160-odd shows, the cheap chaps have been shouting, screaming, arguing and causing trouble for each other without any assistance or guidance. However, this week, they explore the world of "Bitches" and Bastards" by looking at two books and two board games based on the "How To Be A Complete Bastard" brand. Elsewhere this week, there is a "chunderingly" good edition of Tales of the Shop Floor and we can finally announce the debut of a brand new character, "Inch Man". We're very sorry! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Photos/Videos for this episode can be seen at https://www.thecheapshow.co.uk/ep-164-how-to-be-a-complete-inch-lo If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US! MERCH Www.cheapmag.shop www.tinyurl.com/rbcheapshow

So, Eli, I see you still have that picture of the young family and their dad. Oh, I see. That was your idea, was it? Your big dog fucking nonce. Fuck off! And what's this? A little sex bulb. The stuff for that looks like a sex toy.

There's all sorts of stuff. I'm sick of this. It's confirmation bias from you. You look at one, you know, there's all sorts of things in here. There's goji berries. Do I fuck them as well? Maybe. Do I?

Do I spoff on my goji berries and coat them in my extra special glazed crusty spunk? Fucking crusty spunk everywhere! What a great start. It's not a great start. We had a brilliant start where I was very amusing and you cussed it. You weren't amusing.

You just said over and over, am I alright Paul? That's it. Am I though? No, you're not. It's become increasingly apparent. Are I alright? We're having some coffee. It's nice having some coffee, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what? The sun is totally in my eyes. It's like an interrogation. Can you pass the sunglasses, please? Which glasses would

you like? Would you like... I like the ones that will freak you out more. Item number one, which is your blue at the beach set, or is it... Look, they're a special brand. Seafox, world famous... Rock radio. 55.3 FM. No, 98, 99...

Don't give them advertising. 96, 97, 98.99 FM. FM Seafox. That's their jingle. I don't want those. I want the others. Do you want the ones that make you look like a gangster from Miami City or something?

Miami City? Yeah, Miami City gangster. Right. What's your Miami City or something. Miami City? Yeah, Miami City gangster. Right. What's your Miami City gangster voice? I don't have one. Go on, let's do Miami City gangster Eli.

You want fucking characters as well. I don't want that character. He's a cliche. You've got 60 seconds. Because you thought of him. You've got 60 seconds He's bullshit.

to think about a voice and a character and your time starts now. Welcome to Cheap Show. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. It's just a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to learn to fucking accept. Cheap Show. You're gonna have to learn to fucking accept

It's the price of Shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheat Show And I go and I nuzzle Hi, I'm Joey Tadagladegly What? I'm not going to put the credits in here Mate, I had this Joey fucking Taglategly Joey Taglateg. What? I'm not going to put the credits in here. Mate, I had this Joey fucking Tagliatelle.

Joey Tagliatelle. No, I'm sorry. You said, I want a shit idea. Then you come up with Joey Tagliatelle. Yeah, I'm Joey Tagliatelle. I got some voice problems. I got a voice problem, but I'm a big gangster. Oh, yeah.

In and out of Miami. The port. This is the port of the podcast. The port authority. Do his thing until he burns out. The port authority. I'm not going to, yeah. The ins and outs of Miami. The port. This is the part of the podcast where I just let you do his thing until he burns out. The port authority. I'm not going to, though. I don't know who you're talking to. I'm Joey Dagnatelli.

Joey Dagnatelli. I've been around these docks. I've been walking these docks in the sun all my life. All my life. I see things. I see things you wouldn't believe It's going You can hear the wobble Shut up

Play the fucking theme tune I've done it I've done it because They're steaming up My glasses are steaming up Yeah they are You look like such a fucking wally With those glasses on

What do you mean? I don't know With your face and those glasses It's too round You look like it's too round. You look like It's too round. My face? Yeah. Anything else? I'm trying to think of who it is you look like. You just look like a shadow. I'm going to fucking find out. I'm going to

go on the internet and find out the reference I need. Who do you look like based on the internet? New Zealand host of Play Your Cards, right? Really? Yeah. You look like Kenny Cantor.

Let me see it. Let me see that. And that's the most obscure reference I think I could ever... That's who you look like, Eli. Right now, you look like Kenny Cantor. He looks good. He's one of those...

He's literally one of those, oh, ladies and gentlemen, oh, lovely games. What was he doing in New Zealand? He was presenting. That's the thing. Is he one of those, he's literally one of those, oh, ladies and gentlemen, oh, lovely games. What was he doing in New Zealand? He was presenting. He was British. That's the thing. Is he British?

Yeah, he was. This really isn't working for me, this sign in my eyes. He was, and then he went to New Zealand for whatever reason to present the Play Your Card Right. Oh, it's not good. I'm going to put a link on the website if anyone wants to watch an episode of him in doing it. It is super cheesy.

Why did you just pull that weirdly out of nowhere? Because you look like Kenny Cantor. I don't. You look. It's the hair. It's the hair, dude, because I am balding a bit there. There's a lot of people listening right now going, I don't know who the fuck Kenny Cantor is.

And then they're looking him up and they're saying, Eli looks nothing like that, frankly, Paul. Or I can say. You've lost your fucking goo-gallies. You've put your goo-gallies down and you lost them. Right. You went, oh, I've got to get something from the garage. Then you came back and went, oh, where's me goo-galis. You've put your goo-galis down and you lost them. Right. You went, oh, I've got to get something from the garage.

Then you came back and went, oh, where's me goo-galis? I've lost them. You've lost a lot of things, Eli, today. You've lost them. What's coming up on the show, Paul, today?

Cheap show. You haven't even done the thing with the shops. We haven't even done the thing with the shops. Why don't you do it, mate? It's not just my show. It's our show.

Don't interrupt me then. Yeah? Yeah. That sound is so unconvincing. you do it, mate? It's not just my show. It's our show. Don't interrupt me then. Yeah? Yeah. That sound is so unconvincing. Just do it because you tie me out mentally when we do this fucking podcast. Seven minutes in and I'm bored of you. Well, fucking don't interrupt when I do the fucking proper intro. I haven't started yet and I will not interrupt.

So I'll shut up as of now. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. I'm sorry. You're a. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. You. I'm sorry. You're a cunt, aren't you? You really are a cunt. I never get a room to breathe in this fucking podcast.

No, you just go on for minutes at an end as Joey Tagliatelle. Minutes on an end. Minutes on end. Minutes on an end. As Joey Tagliatelle. I'd like some minutes. What are those little mints? No, you're on to something now.

No, can we just do the show? You are. Just one last thing, Paul.ints no you're onto something now just one last thing Paul please let us do the podcast one single last thing alright minutes they were a type

of sweet weren't they I don't know I think they were mints minute mints I'll look up Kenny Cantor

but I won't look up mints mini mints mini mints like what 70s 80s minute mints minute mints

right yeah and you said minutes on end on an end on an end minutes on an end. So what about this?

Small chocolate mints down my meters. Right, okay. You know what? Just to top this off. So to speak. Twang my meters wafer mint. What's its resonant frequency? What are you doing?

What are you talking about? Please. I feel like Eli left us a long time ago and you've been possessed by Pazuzu or something. Just imagine, though. Yeah. There was a very rigid, after-eight type mint.

Yes. Lodged in one's metres. Like poking out the end, like it's been wedged in. Wedged in hard. Like a book badly put on a bookshelf. And then you twanged it. What would be the resonant frequency?

Thank you. Now I'm spent. Can I get on with the podcast? Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears. We go through the bargain bins and charity shops and powerlands of Great Britain and beyond to bring you the wonder in the wastelands and the treasure amongst the trash.

I thank you. I'm Paul Gannon and with me as always is co-host and guest Eli Silverman. And guest? Yeah. Fucking don't like the way you're creeping with him now. On the show today, Mr. Silverman. Yes, it's me, Eli Silverman, co-host.

We will be taking yet another Tales from the Shop Floor from one of our many, many readers. That's when they write in about stuff? Listeners. They listen? They listen, and then they write in with their contributions. And I've got a nice one today for you to read out, Mr. Silverman. Okay. I look forward to that.

Also, it's not really a special episode at all, but there's a theme. Shut up. Just shut up. Ignore me. Keep reading. Be professional. We've got stuff to do with Mount Grotpants. He sneezed on Mount Grotpants.

He put his face on the peak of Mount Gropp pants and sneezed into its fucking... Sometimes it needs it. It's part of a special druidic process. Is that the same as your bottle of piss that you have on your table?

It's not. It's fucking... Right. I've had enough of this. One, I do not fuck dogs. I don't fuck dogs. I don't wank off

to that picture of that family from the centre parks. This is green tea and peach from Pret-a-Manger. Drink it then if it's not piss. Even though it's by the side of your bed. I know. I think some of our listeners will agree with me, Paul.

It's a very tasty beverage. Fuck off. It is. Are you working for Pret? Stop sticking stuff on the table. That course is banging. It's been five years, mate. Hand me the crab bucket.

Crab bucket. Crab bucket. Yeah. See, I've put the crab bucket. Crab bucket. Crab bucket. Yeah. See, I've put the crab bucket to good use, haven't I, Paul? You mad bastard. You really are a mad bastard. Are we going to now talk about

your bucket full of lighters? I just wanted to mention it. You fucking mad bastard. I just wanted to mention it. That's in passing. It's got all my picture clippers in it now. Clipper picture lighters. Yeah.

No, continue. Please continue. I don't know why you rustle through your bucket of it now. Clipper picture lighters. Yeah. No, continue. Please continue. I don't know why you rustle through your bucket of lighters. Bucket of lighters, yeah. Right. Go on, go on. So we have a theme today. We're going to look at two board games and two books that are interconnected.

And they are based on a comedy property that some people may know. So I'll leave it until that segment to reveal all. A little bit of a look back in the nostalgic past of stuff. A little bit down memory lane. A little bit of a look back in the last. How far are we going to go though, Paul? 86, 87. How many inches though?

Well, how many inches into the past? Why don't I ask the only man around who could possibly help us on that? And that is, ladies and gentlemen, our brand new character. We've kept him away, but he's here. He and that is ladies and gentlemen our brand new character we've kept him away but he's here he's here ladies and gentlemen it's inch man hello that's more for you how many do you need how many more do you need who wants one hard they are rock hard little inches itch there's one nothing inch inch how many do you need though no really how many do you need i need to yeah i need some inspiration uh you need some inspiration

who's this joker then is this your co-host is this your is this what you're doing is this what you're doing inches i'll give you i'll give you them Mr Incher How do you give me inches? Any way you like I need a number or a measurement Which I can translate into inches I want seven inches please Of what am I getting? You just get inch

Of inch of what? You'll know when you get it Well give me seven inches right now Inch, inch, inch Inch, inch, inch Inch There you go Yes How many do you need? Two? Two quickens? Inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch, inch. There. There you go. Yes.

How many do you need? Two? Two quickens? No. Inch, inch. Do you want a foot? I'll give you a full foot. Foot long. You just give me the word inch so it has no practical or even monetary value. I was under the impression it's an audio thing you're doing here. Yeah, so

I still want to understand the core of your being. What inches do you give? It's a nubbin. It's a nubbin. It's an inch-shaped nubbin. Rock hard it is. It's a nubbin, nubbin poker.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us today for yet another failed fucking character from the mad... It's a nubbin. It's not failed. It's returned.

I've returned. Dog fucking mind. How much do you need? A full foot? You need a full foot long, don't you? Piss guzzling... It's a bit like

working at Subway. Dog fucking... You get six inches. Eli Silverman. You can get a foot long. don't you? Piss guzzling. It's a bit like working at Subway. Dog fucking. You get six inches. Eli Silverman. You can get a footlong. Oh, you do want it, though, don't you? Come on, you want it. You want a hard inching.

A hard 12 inching. I am so very bored of this character. You do? Just, look, I'll go. Please go. I was under the impression I could do a full foot at one point. Just let me do that. All right? All right. Go on. Itch, itch, itch, itch. Itch, itch, itch. the impression I could do a full foot at one point just let me do that and then alright

go on inch inch inch inch inch inch inch inch inch inch right I'm off thank you

thanks Eli for the opportunity is it this way inch so yeah I'm sorry about that but we are going to now

get into the podcast what a lovely guy no not having it not having that character coming back no come on it was no So, yeah, I'm sorry about that. But we are going to now get into the podcast. What a lovely guy. No. Not having that character coming back. No, come on. No. There's nothing to it. I think he's got a lot to give.

All your characters have a germ of an idea. And it burns out within a second or two of you realising it. Right? Then after that, you repeat the burnout until you go fucking mad and laugh yourself onto the couch. The couch? Your bed. Your chaise longue. Look, I've got this from Pret as well.

Guess what it is. Stop talking about Pret. I'm not interested. Other shops are available. What do you think's in there? Come on, a bit of magic. Panu chocolate. Wrong.

Bakewell slice. Very nice, that. Right, there is some pertinent information, and we're going to get into it now. So, as we mentioned last week, the awards are go. The second annual Cheap Show Listener Choice Awards 2020. You know what I was pleased to see, Paul? What?

I have my own special award. No one else can win that, because it's something that is me. Yeah. Do you have one of those? No. No one else can win that because it's something that is me. Do you have one of those? No. I've noticed that. So anyway, the nominations are now open. Rhiannon will be over the next, well, few months

because she has to balance it around with her own work. But she will be collating all of the information and putting it together. But basically, if you go to this web address, you can now nominate for such things as favourite episode funniest moments Eli's rant

best Paul moment best Eli moment oh you do get your own yeah I have a special one I have two of my own yeah I hope

best Eli moment is you admitting you fuck dogs on the episode I never admitted it yeah ruff ruff ruff that's why you say

ruff ruff ruff as Brando. No. Because you're obsessed with dogs. Brando has a dog. Yeah. And he goes Ruff Ruff Ruff. Yeah. Jimmy Biscuits has got Bickies, the cat. Meow. Yes. Meow Bickies. They were meant to be on the train. We completely forgot. No. You can't take pets on a train.

There wasn't. There was that seagull on the train, wasn't there? Was there? Yeah. No, there wasn't. There was. Thereagull on the train, wasn't there? Was there? Yeah. No, there wasn't. There was. There definitely was. And also, remember I made that joke, there was that news story about there being a crab. I don't remember any of this and it's worrying.

There was a crab that got on a train. Oh, yeah, that was eight years ago. And I said, oh, they're running a shell service. Shell service. Yeah. And do you remember that seagull that covered the curry? The orange seagull?

In the curry. In the curry. That was a Barshens thing, wasn't it? That was a sharticle. In fact, the crab was too. So it wasn't Cheap Show. You've misremembered it.

I just said remember. I didn't say remember on this specific fucking platform. I'm just going remember on this specific fucking platform. I'm just going to do this now, mate. Read the fucking shit out. So if you want to nominate on any of those categories you've already heard and more, go to tinyurl.com forward slash CCA 2020 nominate.

That's tinyurl.com forward slash CCA 2020 nominate that tiny URL dot com forward slash CCA 2020 nominate oh and then we'll respond by looking at what the people will say and now we can officially announce at the same time to celebrate our fifth birthday we will be doing the cheap show awards live

on YouTube as a streamed live event stream on YouTube and Twitch or just just YouTube I think we'll do a live show on YouTube as a streamed live event. Are we going to stream on YouTube and Twitch or just? Just YouTube, I think. We'll do a live show on YouTube where we'll show all the nominations and celebrate our fifth birthday. So that will be in June sometime, probably just before, well, it will be before DigiLive, which you can now get tickets for

if you want to see Digitizer live in June. 25th. 25th. So it'll probably be before then it was going to be a packed month June in it then when we're going to do the awards live award ceremony we'll probably do it before that then a week or two before okay we'll do it because I think our birthday is like early June anyway either way we're going to do a live show join us there there'll be stars I think there'll be awards and it'll be a star studded glamorous event done in the best cheap show manner.

And that's how we're going to celebrate that. And also it turns out that we turned 200 in September, not October. We turned 200 episodes old. In the 25th of September. Just to be clear, we're not 200. We're not like living in a bone hoover. Yeah, but we're going to be.

Call back. Yeah. Bone hoover. Imagine we were living in a bone hoover though. This bedroom is not too far off the inside there was no

donkey carcass no there are nice pants there's a rat carcass yeah you know all this talk of like

baby Yoda yeah we've got one on our show which we don't mention a dead fetus mole Cheggers yeah but Cheggers has gone all black

and wrinkly excuse me is he still not an embryo? No, he hasn't got many rights, having not been born. And an animal. So, you know, I don't know what else you want. So there you go, you can nominate now.

Nominate Cheggers! So my other point was that means the live show we do for 200 will be in September now. And it's going to be a one-off show. It'll probably be a slightly bigger venue, so we can just do one show rather than two. But we don't know um either way it'll be september now which is two months after digi so hopefully you can come to both or if you want just come to us but we will be doing a live show in september to celebrate 200 episodes and i will be finalizing

that sometime in the next four weeks or so so there there's all the news. There's a bit of housework done. Awards, live show, Dixie show. Brushy brush brush. YouTube. Tighten up the corners. Tighten up the nut bolts. Tighten it all up. Knitting up. Knitting this nice and tight. Well, let's crack on. Do you know what I hate, Paul? Let's crack on with the show, mate. Just one thing I hate, yeah? Yes.

Just the one. When you get into bed and it's been tucked in. It's all been tucked in. Yeah. Do you hate that? Is that why your bed's a constant shit hole? Is that why it just looks like someone's dumped their laundry on you? Is it just... Why do you live like this, mate? Because... I look around, it's so desolate.

I never get a chance to tidy up because you come in here with all your equipment and your stands and your stuff. What you're saying is out of the way. That Mount Grop pants is protected. I can't just be dismantling that. The scrubbers, they're not called that. We'll just serve them as notice then. The scribbles all scrubbing the skiddies.

Serve them a notice. The scribbles all scrubbing the skiddies. Well, you're talking shit now. So we're going to move on to the next part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoy the next segment. Fuck it, Al. And now it's time for Tales from the Shop Floor.

Yes. This is the segment where the listeners of Cheap Show write in. Write. Tick-a-tacky, tick-a-tacky. Or email. Write. Or email. No, some write, actually, because they've sent letters in the PO box.

We've had some in real life letters, haven't we? In real life letters. And then we all read them out. And they're your stories from the world of work. Yes. Essentially, isn't it? In real life letters. Then we all read them out. And they're your stories from the world of work. Yes. Essentially, isn't it? The world of shops. We want to know

all of the things that happen when you've been working or visiting a store or shop. Now, it started off as charity shop stories, but it's kind of broadened. And I think this story today is also a broader story

than the remit. Is it quite broad? But Eli, I'm going to let you crack up. As in dirty? I don't know, I've had a quick scan of the email. Isn't that how you described something that was a bit risque? It's broad humour. Is that broad humour?

No, not risque. Broad humour just means you can get away with being a bit racist or sexist. Oh, it's a bit broad, that. Tell you what, my wife's all thin. How thin is she? She has to run around in the shower to get fucking wet. I thank you. Is that broad, is it? She's not very broad, she's thin. Yeah. She's thin. How thin is she? She has to run around in the shower to get fucking wet. I thank you. Is that broad, is it? She's not very broad, she's thin.

Yeah, she's thin. Right, so here's the email, Eli, it's all up to you, mate. Eli just cleans his throat, takes off his nonce glasses and prepares. No, I object to that. I object to that too. Look, the sun is in my eyes, what am I meant to be fucking doing, man?

Do you want to swap seats? I'm just trying to, the sun is right in my. What am I meant to be fucking doing, man? Do you want to swap seats? I'm just trying to... The sun is right in my eyes. Do you want to swap seats? Remember when there was bats out there? That was good, wasn't it? No. Okay, you ready? Right, well, if you don't want to swap seats,

you're not allowed to complain anymore. Are you ready to say hello? Yes. Hi, Paul. Hello. Who's this? Who are you? James Currie.

Hello, James Currie. He hasn't said hello to me. Any relation to Ed Wiener or Mark? Who's James Currie. Hello, James Currie. He hasn't said hello to me. Any relation to Edwina or Mark? Who's Mark Currie? Used to be on Blue Peter in the 90s. He was ginger and wore glasses. Oh, him. Wow.

You're a real font of really, really specific... Pointless shit. Yeah, pointless shit from a certain era. Well, anyway, hello, James. Thank you for emailing the Cheap Show podcast. That doesn't say hello to me. Yeah, I think he just presumes that you don't read the emails why hasn't he said hello to me

do you read the emails ever yeah but he knows if they get read out then we both say hello and now I feel extremely awkward maybe he just fucking hates you yeah we'll see

we'll see well I tell you what Mr Curry you haven't predisposed yourself for me to be nice to your pro style should it have

any inevitable flaws which it fucking will ladies and gentlemen your pro style should it have any inevitable flaws, which it fucking will. Ladies and gentlemen, please. Your pro style is going to get meticulously dissected by me whilst I'm reading it out, Paul. Boys and girls, please remember to add Eli to the intro to your letter. Okay. It goes without saying, doesn't it?

There's two of us fucking here. So we don't have to put up with this every fucking week. Hi, Paul. Hello, James and Eli. I'm sure he says hello to you too. This is a story that mostly concerns... Sounds like the Prince of Bel-Air, doesn't it?

Well, every time someone starts by saying, this is a story, everyone just goes, all about how my life got... I was going off in my head! It's got that weird kind of... It's the patter of it, isn't it? It's, yeah, the rhythm. The syntactical rhythm okay this is a story that mostly concerns a friend of mine though i do have a role in it oh unlike me in your fucking letterhead thank you here we go at uni at the end of every year

they put on what's called the summer ball it's basically a two-day mini music festival with a few small fairground rides and stalls set up on a section of campus. Oh, that's better than my fucking university ever did. This year, the student union decided to set up a little hot dog stand. Uh-oh. And my friend... It's hot dogs. And my friend was tasked with staffing it.

Last week, she told me a story about what had happened. Oh, no. So, let's pause. Is it going to be about someone getting a hot dog Right up their arsehole I don't know If you think about the actual physics of that That would be very hard The hot dog would snap

It would have to be either a very rigid hot dog Or a very loose arsehole Or a combination of both Go for the most rigid hot dog you could get And the loosest arsehole Did you ever see Those pictures of Gilbert and George combination of both. I can make the second one. Go for the most Richard hot dog you could get. What drug can you get that? And the loosest arsehole. Did you ever see those pictures of Gilbert and George?

There's looking at me. Those pictures of Gilbert and George's bums? No. The artists. It was like a cave opening. Was it a goatee thing? Goatee.

You know, a goatee is when like you, it's a long story but basically it's when you pull your arse. No, they just had their trousers down. Yeah. And it was one of their pane glass.

You know, they had their stained glass window ones. Look, yeah. Which is like photographs, but in a sort of stained glass style. Yeah, so their arses were out. It was like... You can't see their bumhole, though, can you? You fucking totally can. Really?

Do they have, like, almost no arse, then? How do you... I'm sorry, everyone. I have a bit of a cough this week. Don't fucking smirk at me. I was going to say, I usually edit all those coughs out, so don't worry about it.

Just if I sound a bit mucal. Mucal tea. Yeah, we're mucal tea. We're mucal tea. Quick question. Is there a drug you can buy that does relax your arsehole to the extent where it becomes,

you know, like, you know, bin baggy? Amyl nitrate. You may have heard of. I've vaguely heard of that. And they still sell amyl nitrate. It's sometimes known as poppers. Oh, yeah, you're meant to stick it up your nose, though, aren't you? Yeah, but then it relaxes sphincter muscles in the body.

The whole, all the way through? So you don't just, like, break it under your arsehole, and then your arsehole sniffs it? No, no, you do not break it under your arsehole. You don't try and sniff it with your bum. You sniff it in your nose. I've done plenty nitrate in my times. And how many sausage hot dogs did you get up

I never have even that well but it's more like it sort of makes it it relaxes it but it won't make it like baggy yeah

anyway Gilbert and George yeah honestly it's like a fucking it's like a cave on the side of a rocky scree or something do you know what I mean

do I I don't want to look it up I thought I'm going to later yeah honestly it really is something. All right. Sorry. So carry on the letter.

I do apologise. Okay. So I think it's more likely there's going to be some poo-poo in the hot dog or something. Or spoffy stuff. Or someone pukes up a hot dog hole and it goes flying in a teacher's eye. Oh, that's a good twist. And they go, Curry! Well, Curry's not involved.

He's just telling the story. Yeah, but he gets the blame. Oh, poor Curry. Poor Curry. He gets fucking rodded. Does he? That's a bit much for a manager just telling a story. He gets rodded hard for missing out co-hosts.

I'm not going to... Not saying hello to certain co-hosts. Fuck me. Carry on. At around 10pm on day one, a student came up to the hot dog stand but didn't have any money on him. Oh, fucking students. So she turned him away.

Yeah, good. About an hour later, there was an electrical problem and the heater that kept the hot dogs hot stopped working. It was one of those roller things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not good.

I think you should keep them in water, personally. I think that's better. Yeah, that's kind of a German way. This is the kind of like quickie mark kind of way. Yeah, they're not as nice. the German style hot dogs are horrible for stop but anyway don't you like don't you enjoy a hot dog no I do and the problem is I like those ones you always see outside of fucking Tottenham Court Road Station or whatever you know that kind yeah

even though I know they're just that was pure filth dog beaks and fucking stuff and yeah pigeon hearts you know what I mean it's just like you know it's not good but it smells. Especially when you're drunk. Parrot paws. Goat lips. Lip splash. Chicken dripping. Drippy drippy lip splash. Nonsense. I'm just trying to get the phone in a

reasonable position. Hey you lippy lippy splash. Libby lippy lip splash. We love you. Oh there. Libby lippy lip splash. Libby lippy lip splash, we love you. Oh, there, lippy lippy lip splash. Libby lippy lip splash,

blip blop blip. Right. Go on. So, there was a power cut, electrical problem. Right. The heater that kept the hot dogs

hot stopped working and some prepared hot dogs went cold while she was trying to sort out the stand. Yeah, fair play. As she tried to work out

what was wrong, the student again came up to the hot dog stand holding a rather muddy 50p, asking if he could have one of the cold hot dogs. They were sold at £1.50, but the guy reasoned

that since they were cold, perhaps he could buy one with no bun for less. Mate, this guy is a fucking proper grifter. He found it on the floor and he's like, is he is a fucking proper grifter. I got that right. He found it on the floor and he's like, got no money,

go have a hot dog. Is he a student? He must be. Well, don't you have to spend like, it costs 200 quid or something to go to the ball. Yeah, but that's why they made me only have 50p

to fucking buy a hot dog. She explained that there was a fault and that the stand was not currently open so he left. Right, so he's tried again. He's been unsuccessful.

She's not having any of it. Great. She's professional. Yeah, you know what I mean. Right. So he's tried again. He's been unsuccessful. She's not having any of it. Great. She's professional. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. No. My friend decided that since she couldn't get the stand working, she should close the

hot dog stand and get one of the university maintenance staff to check it out the next morning. How's his syntax going? Or is it just you not being able to read? It's pretty good. Pretty well written, Paul. Yeah. Just badly read out. I've got no complaint.

It's just badly read out, don't it? I've got no complaints. I have. I've got one complaint about him not saying hello to me, but apart from that That's not my complaint. It's been alright. My complaint is how I'm discovering the story via your fucking rubbery-tongued twattishness. Oh!

Stupid cunt. Dog fucker. Go on. She decided she couldn't get the stand working, she stupid cunt dog fucker. Go on. She decided she couldn't get the stand working. She should close the hot dog stand and get one of the university maintenance staff to check it out the next morning. Yes. It had also started to rain. Uh-oh. So after covering the stand with some topolin, she went inside to take a break and asked if I'd like to hang out with her for what would have been the rest of her shift.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Yay! Yeah. Oh. the illumination of the streetlight made the scene look like a one man show and revealed he was giving the whole sorry, the pole a hefty coating ladies and gentlemen, for one night only Jack and his guts

do you like seeing a hefty coating? look at the splash look at the coating on that look at a fucking true professional look at him splashing that gizzards all over the fucking lamppost like an artist. Look at that.

Look at that dry heaving. Best in the fucking world. I'll start that sentence again. The illumination of the streetlight made the scene look like a one-man show and revealed he was giving the pole a hefty coating. Which I thought was a bit much just for over-drinking. I then navigated around him, trying to stay far away from the vomiting man and the resulting

miasma. This is alright. Quite well written, actually. Yeah, good. My friend had returned to the stand to find that the tarpaulin had been partially taken off and that two of the hot dogs were missing. Uh-oh. Which he'd forgotten to throw away in a haste to get out of the rain. It turns out

that hot dogs go bad very quickly. Yeah, especially those kind of fucking hot dogs. And food safety standards dictate that you should be discarded if not eaten within two hours. Fucking hell. Well, there's something to bear in mind. Well, I'll fucking have them. I'll have them after two hours. I would risk that.

I would risk a day. Yeah, that's why you're always ill and feeling shit and vomiting. No, because food poisoning is... I'm not always vomiting. Yeah, but you've always got arse gravy. I'm not always vomiting. Yeah, but you've always got arse gravy. I have not always got arse gravy. You always complain about your bowel movements

when we meet up at Eva. Why do we have to discuss this? Whatever. Right, let's get to the end of this fucking letter. Stop banging things. Fucking. Sorry.

I then described the vomiting man to her and it was the same student who tried to buy a cold hot dog. I think we both... Yeah, we've all jumped to that conclusion. We've got to that conclusion already. With a 50p they'd found on the ground. We reckon the man had uncovered the stand,

eaten two hot dogs about four to five hours after they'd been cooked. He really wanted those fucking hot dogs. And felt the consequences as I was walking home. Wow. No, hang on, that sentence doesn't work. Oh, here we go, he's found one. That's cheered him up. Fucking Mark Curry, yeah?

Not Mark Curry. Sorry, James Curry. Jimmy Curry. Listen to this sentence, if it makes sense, Paul. Go on. We reckon, so he means whenever he says we there, he's referring to himself and his friend. Yes.

We reckon that the man had uncovered the stand, eaten two hot dogs about four to five hours after they'd been cooked, and felt the consequences as I was walking home. Should be he. I should be he. Maybe that's just a typo. I don't think it matters, mate. It fucking matters! You didn't feel the consequences, Jimmy Curry boy!

Did you? He did! This was all because he was so desperate for hot dogs, but forgot to bring £1.50 to the festival. There is such a thing as being too cheap. Yeah, well, that's true. Never eat discarded hot dogs cold under some tarpaulin.

Now, couldn't his friend just have gone alright? There you go. It's not like she's like gonna, like trying to get a career as a hot dog vendor. To be fair, I think she did the right thing. She did the right thing. Why? She didn't sell unprepared food to someone,

and she certainly didn't use it to make 50p. She could have just given her a free hot dog, couldn't she? She could have theoretically, right, given him a hot dog or taken the 50p, right, and then he would have been ill still, potentially, maybe, and she could have gotten into trouble. Yeah, okay. I'm not saying when he asked for a cold one for 50p,

she should have given him one then, because that would have been, yes, against the guidelines. Yeah. As she was aware, that was good. But when he comes up at the beginning of the story and says, here's a hot dog,

what's it to her? You know what I mean? I know, but at this point, here's a hot dog. I still think she's doing the right thing. Oh, yeah, you can see their arseholes they are pulling their bumholes apart

are they I can see their willies now let me see there's a picture of willies and poos look you can see it you're right but they are pulling it apart

oh god it's not a natural pose yeah because if you're walking around it I could see your arsehole fine I remember it's been much worse than that

maybe I imagined it you can that. Maybe I imagined it. You can see their balls. I imagined it. What about this one? This is good. Me and you should copy that picture. Oh, poo-poo Christ. Poo-poo Christ.

It's them with their pants down, with their willies out, and there's big logs, really well formed logs. Photographed logs. Do you think they're real logs? Do you think they've fabricated those logs? I mean, I know of their work, but they didn't do a lot of poo and shit stuff. There is some.

Eight shits, it's called, this picture. One, two, three, four, five, six. Well, there's six shits, but maybe they're saying they're shits as well. I think they are. They're including themselves as the shits. I mean, it's very brave of them to be old and with their winkies out.

And fine, you know what? Their winkies look fine. Look, I don of them to be old and with their winkies out. And fine, you know what? Their winkies look fine. Look, I don't want to discuss Gilbert and George's winkies. It's interesting. This is the art part of the show where we discuss contemporary art. And I like eight shits. It's that simple.

What's that one called? Naked shit? Oh, this is odd. This is good. What was that last picture called then? Look, their bums look a bit like caves, don't they? The picture's just called Bumholes, 1994. Are they still alive?

Yeah, they're ancient though, they really are very old. They were first around in like the late 50s, early 60s, I'd say. Oh,

and this one called Cox. Oh, there you go. Cheap show does art. That was a good story, bye! Wasn't that a good story? It was a good story.

Thank you, James, for writing in. It was reasonably well written. Yeah, it was a good story thank you James for writing in it was reasonably well written yeah it was well written and reasonably entertaining but I question

Paul I question whether he really was sick just because of those hot dogs or because he was very drunk well it might have been a little of column A

a little of column B if he couldn't afford a hot dog could he afford to drink you know what I mean well he wouldn't be there if he wasn't drinking he must have been drinking maybe but then

where did he get the money then... Also, booze, excessive booze makes you crave weird food that you go after and you... So it might have been that he drank first and then ate the hot dog much later. I think he was on like some kind of cheap, nasty booze. Yeah. And that's what made him coat the pole. Well, James, Eli has called your friend's story

bullshit and has poked holes in it. Also, I think she is a bit mean, isn't she? What? No, she's not. I think she did her job and did the right thing. When he comes up in it. Also, I think she is a bit mean, isn't she? What? No, she's not. I think she did her job and did the right thing. When he comes up and goes, oh,

God, I'm hungry, please give me a hot dog, they're £1.50 poor. Yeah, but they're also cold and also not very nice in the first place.

No, at the beginning they were hot. Yeah, but he had no money then. Two hours. Also, I pour scorn and I pour judgment

on that. I pour judgment on you. You pour judgment on me? I pour judgment on you. You pour judgment on me? I pour judgment all over you. Do you rub it in? Yeah. Is it oily?

I give it like a big... Oily judgment. I make biscuits on your back. With the oily judgment? Yeah. All poured on. I make biscuits on your back. Is it all poured on?

Yeah. The oily judgment? Right, Eli's gone again. Right, that's it. Reset. Reset everyone. No, stop it. Play the fucking sound effect.

What sound effect? Don't get into this again. Oh, yeah, that sound effect. The one I'm going to put in right now. Hey, Eli. Hey, Paul. Do you want to know how to be a complete bastard? Oh.

Oh, or what about how to be a complete bitch? Oh. Well, guess what, Eli Silverman? What? We can now do that on the show. I can now make you a bastard or a bitch because we're going to look at and play and explore two books and two board games based on 1980s comedians

called How To Be A Complete Bastard by Adrian Edmondson with Mark Lee and Mike Lapine and How To Be A Complete Bitch with Pamela Stevenson and Mike Lapine and Mark Lee. Oh! Hey, the Lapine and the Lee are the other way around. Other way around. Maybe that was the agreement. Maybe they had a very heated argument

about it. Listen. Listen, Mike. I wish to be the main person. I want to be listed first on the cover. No, you listen to me, Mark. How dare you, Mike. I'm fucking... I wrote three more words than you. I'm Mike Lepine. I'm the other one, Mark

Lee. Lee. Yes, Lee, you cunt. Well. I'm Mike Lapine. I'm the other one, Mark... Lee. Lee. Yes, Lee, you cunt. Well, I'm just here to say that I deserve top billing on this book. Do you know what? You're a complete bastard. Oh, I've got an idea for a book. So, I had this. The book.

I had How To Be A Complete Bastard. It came out in 86 when I was 11. Yeah. It was very risque for me. And I thought, oh, I haven't had grown up. I've got a grown up toilet book with Ade Edmondson on it. Being rude and naughty.

I think it was bought for me, in fact, as a gift. I'm pretty sure. And I kind of completely read it about 1800 times. Yeah.

To briefly boil it down to what this is, it's a book loosely based on Ade Edmondson's kind of Vivian character, but not really Vivian. It's just

that anarchic character from the young ones. Because he had done the Dangerous Brothers and things like that. And I think he'd also done Filthy Rich and Catflap at this point. He sort of had a sort of persona that was... Angry, manic, psychopathic. Yeah, crazy.

Yeah. Sort of persona, didn't he? That was sort of not any one of his characters, was sort of all of them combined. Which is that kind of what he's kind of portraying here it's like well rick male edison did have like a type or their own kind of form because like rick male was all always the loud whingy pervy loser and he was the angry drunk dangerous psychopathic best friend bottom it was crystallized by the time they got to bottom

those characters but they were still sort of do you know what i mean it was a strange sort of public persona that aid edmondson had because he's not really like that no do you know what i mean really he's not at all and when you see him in stuff outside of that at the time like a lot of comic strip stuff where you would say he was showing some range there were moments like mr jolly lives next door where he kind of keeps on playing that character. You know what's weird? That Nicholas Parsons passed away, obviously. R.I.P. We didn't mention him, so

it's not part of the fucking curse, alright? Yeah. We never came up. But it's funny how Mr. Jolly Goes Abroad, what's it called? Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door. Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door, because it has a famous scene where they talk about Nicholas Parsons. Yes. Was just, was even more sort of... Naughty.

Present. It kept, Mr. Jolly just kept coming up. Yeah. Well, that was the thing as well, wasn't it? I mean, the guy was 96, had been working in show business for fucking 60 years or something. Forever. And all anyone can fucking remember is one little sketch. Do you know what's weird, though?

And obviously he was, this is like five, six years ago when we were doing Edinburgh Fringe but there was one year when we were there and I can't remember if it was like Rogue's Handbook or whatever reason

we were up there for but We'd have to be That was the year I saw Just a Minute being filmed recorded at the Edinburgh Fringe and I remember

the weirdest thing I don't mean this to be cruel it's just like this is just what I observed so he was like walking down the street The Nicholas Parsons Yeah

and because I think it was at the let the place looked about 170 no he looked dapper and nice but he was just he wore cravats didn't he yeah but he was just muttering to himself and chattering and looking and talking and really and then he looked he looked distracted and old but then you see him turn when they started recording just a minute and it's like the the muscle memory the brain kicks in. Yeah, yeah. And like... He seemed a bit doddery, is what you said,

when you saw him. Old, which is fair enough. I'm not making fun of the fact that he's old. I'm just saying it's strange that you see this guy who's obviously old and distracted. Ten years ago, the guy was 86. Yeah. And then...

But he would still, on a dime, turn it on. He could always roll with the punches really well on Just A Minute, even though a lot of aggressive young comedians are always pushing it. It's brilliant. Sometimes they ganged up on him, didn't they? Yeah. But I think, you know, it was always done with love. I don't think there was any...

I mean, maybe in the early days when you had, like, Kenneth Williams and stuff being acerbic. Yeah, he had this whole relationship with Kenneth Williams, which people thought was the backbone of that show. So they thought once Williams had passed... That was it. But it wasn't, was it? But then you had Clement... Freud. Freud, yeah. He was kind of another show. So they thought once Williams had passed. That was it. But it wasn't, was it? But then you had Clement Freud.

Yeah, he was kind of another one. And Derek Nimmo, that whole generation. Oh, we're going all over the place. But basically, Ed Edmondson, naughty character. Did this book,

How to Be a Complete Bastard. Now, we don't know anything about the genesis of why this came out, but it is linked to Live Aid. Yeah. So, when was Live Aid? 84?

Because that book came out... 85. 85. No, it was was 84 wasn't it do they know it's Christmas time 85 ok well let's just say

it's 85 because that comes out in 86 so it's close enough to Live Aid to still say here the proceeds support Live Aid

yeah every single penny of the profits goes to Live Aid you know what it reminds me of there was a Aid wasn't it's made by Virgin

Virgin Publishing it would have been I think the Young Ones book was a Virgin Publishing book as well they got everywhere and wasn't Richard Branson on. I think the Young Ones book was a Virgin Publishing book as well. They got everywhere. And wasn't Richard Branson on an episode of the Young Ones once? I don't think so.

I think he does turn up in Derek and Clive Get the Horn. He's all over the 80s, Branson, isn't he? Yeah, he is. He has a dirty little fucking greasy beard. Virgin Publishing. They used to be Virgin everything. Question. Who would win in a nuzzle-off between you and Richard Branson?

What do you mean a nuzzle-off? What are the rules? Let's just talk about a nuzzle off between you and richard branson what do you mean a nuzzle off well like he what are the rules well let's just talk about a nuzzle off how do we get the best nuzzler to get the beard all nuzzled up yeah oiled up and then how maybe you get a you warm up you warm up with some soft tusslage yeah tusslage you get some baggy pants and you go come on and you go tussle tussle so tussling of the pubis is necessary. Yeah, tussling around, soft tusslage. Just a bit of a tug. It's just a warm-up pull. A tug and a tingle.

Tug, a tingle, and some soft tusslage. Then you get the oils out. Right, what kind of oils are you going to go up against? Thick, greasy oils. Because I've heard that Brandoff is going for palm oil. Big deal. I know, but I'm just saying that's... I've got emulsified virgin olive.

He's killed eight orangutans to get this oil for the nuzzle off. What? That's not allowed. Monkey oil's not allowed. Yeah, but it's Branson, isn't it? What do you mean it's Branson? He can do whatever he fucking likes.

He's Branson. Right, so what are the rules of the nuzzle off, then? I don't know. Let's come up with it. Oh, let's come up with it. You said who would win if they nuzzle off

between me and... So it's your thing. You can't have his beard and your beard touch a nuzzle because how do you quantify it? I would want to nuzzle him. So it'd have to be some kind of neutral party in the middle

who takes a nuzzle on the left and a nuzzle on the right. Could it be Michaela Strachan? Yeah, let's say it's Michaela Strachan sitting on a chair, a stool maybe, an uncomfortable stool, in the middle of an empty warehouse and then you two walk in from either side. Soft tusslage. Yeah, a bit of tusslage

you're both nuzzled up now I've mentioned palm oil what are you what are you using on your beard fucking bacon grease bacon grease so right you take your steps

right bacon grease and there are painted lines one metre either side of Michaela Strachan can't go over those it's just your holding place

so you hold you have to put your feet behind the lines yes and then you have to protrude your chin over the line no no no getting ready for the nuzzles you can get ready getting ready for the lines. Yes. And then you have to protrude your chin over the line. No, no, no.

Getting ready for the nuzzles. You can get ready. Getting ready for the nuzzles. But I will blow two whistles. On the first whistle, right, you will walk towards Michaela Strachan and on the left-hand side of her face, nuzzle until I blow the second whistle. When you hear the second whistle, you back away to your line and Brandoff comes in and he nuzzles the right-

The brand's right. Yes. He nuzzles the right- The brand's- Yes. He nuzzles the right-hand side of her face. Then I blow a third whistle. There's a third whistle and he steps back. At that point, she will describe the nuzzle sensation, the feeling, the impact, what it made her feel, and then come to a decision. So Michaela comes to a decision.

And the winner- Get some special soft tasselage, private tasselage. Michaela Strachan is not involved in the prize. Does she get really, really wild? Yes. And she's wide awake. The hitman and her? Yeah.

Any other references? That's it. That's it. She had a pop record. Did she? Yeah. Michaela Strachan. She was going to be a pop person.

Okay, Google. Michaela Strachan hit single. Oh, it's doing it in the speakers next door. Michaela Strachan had her own brief music career as Michaela withachan hit single oh it's doing it in the speakers next door Michaela Strachan had her own brief music career as Michaela with two UK hit singles a cover of Edwin Starr's HAPPY radio which peaked at number 62 and Take Good Care of My Heart which reached 66 I think I remember Take Good Care of My Heart How to Be a Complete Bastard is a comedy book written in the style of A. Debmanson's Vivian character and it's packed full of what is largely now uncomfortable material

that is unsuitable completely for this day and age. Wow. I'll post some pictures up of random pages on our website, thecheapshow.co.uk. There is a web page. There's a Wikipedia thing. There's things in here like good places to be sick. What does it say?

In the punch. All over the girl you're dancing with. On the pile of coats in the spare bedroom. Is this a party? It's parties, isn't it? How to be a complete bastard, 86 book, Mark Lee, Mike Lapine. Mike Lapine's website, the book was a spin-off from Adrian Edmondson's

character of Vivian in The Young Ones. Well, that's not strictly true, but whatever. He's got a suit on, he's not a punk. He's got punky hair, but he has a suit and tie, doesn't he? It contains a selection of ways of how you can be a complete bastard to those around you some examples are how to be a bastard student join the free nelson mandela society and demand your free nelson mandela note at the time of publication nearly every uk university had a society of that name campaigning for the release of nelson mandela you know when you're reading an

80s comedy book when Nelson Mandela pops up. Yeah. Or any 80s pamphlet, really. How to be a bastard parent. Things babies are good for. Filling their pants with shit. And what to do if a baby cries.

Put on an Iron Maiden album. Listen to it at full volume. How to be a complete bastard to the death. Go like this and then depicts a cartoon in sign language of alphabetic gestures spelling fuck off. Or just do a V sign. complete bastard to the death go like this and then depicts a cartoon in sign language of alphabetic gestures spelling fuck off or just do a v sign you see it's a very puerile extremely puerile and has that sort of ben elton uh sort of jasper carrot sort of very 80s theme of observational humor and that you know the bus there's these sort of totemic um environments that all 80s humor

seem to be about bus kitchens at parties do you know what i mean holidays punch bowl all of do you know what i mean they had these sort of german tourists on holidays isn't it a thing they go how to be a euro bastard yes which again it just shows that whole sense of the anti-euro thing even way back in the 80s. It's always been with us. And there's some things that they, in terms of sort of ethnic... Troubling ethnic comedy. Yeah.

Basically, there's a page here, how to hold your own kamikaze death squadron rally. And he is literally pulling his eyes back to make the squinty-eyed thing. Do you think there's a lot of this book that A. David Munchen looks at and goes, fucking hell, why wouldn't I do that? I don't think he looks or thinks about this book. No. Well, he's notorious in that respect.

He doesn't like talking about his work, does he? He doesn't like talking about all the old days and stuff. Well, you know, you must get boring, wouldn't it? Yeah. Do Vivian, you know? Well, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. What he did in his 20s and 30s and probably early 40s

isn't going to swim now. And that's why he does EastEnders and that's why he's doing cameos in Star Wars. I remember this book being more colourful. And I remember it also having something about farts in it. Probably got something about farts in it. Fart songs. Yeah.

Like songs that you could say when you've done a fart. Oh, okay. Like Purple Haze was there. Steamy Windows. Yeah. You know what I mean? Fog on the time. Fog on the fucking time. Steamy windows. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Fog on the time. Fog on the fucking time.

Arse fog. But like, it's incredibly sexist at times. And not at all racially sensitive. That's all. And is not in any way woke. Hey look, real life board games. Bastard games. Gannon's Golden Games, Paul.

Gannon's Golden Bastard Games. Drunk driver and diplomatic immunity. Yeah, what's the drunk driver game all about? Maybe tell us. What does it say? It says, Twas the night before Christmas, and nothing was stirring. Except you, you pisshead.

You've been dragged out of the office party, again, office party. Office party. And slung into your car. Now you're on your way home. Try desperately to avoid hazard spots, patrol cars, and other drunken drivers to get home safely. Hilarious. Also available in this series.

Series. Niles. Run, rabbit, run. Sex. Busy roads. More sex. Stew. Talk-a-meeter.

Sex. Persecution. Castration. Real life confessions from your friends. Bent copper. Sex. Money. The masons.

Guns with dodgy safety catches. You sound like my granddad talking i am the judge yes sex money the masons deafness when it comes to guns with dodgy safety catches is this all types of american president sex cancer state terrorism a button that could destroy the whole world is this beat poetry prime minister Minister. Sex. Arse licking. Humiliation. U-turns. What's that from?

These are like board games also in the series. Oh, they're titles. It sounded like beat poetry after a couple of minutes, the way you were reading it. Policeman. Arseholes.

Sex. Thank you. Can I have a quick look at it? No, I want to find the fart ones! Right, well you find the fart one. Yeah, here's how to be a Euro bastard. What does it say, very briefly? Because, again, on the picture,

it's got some horrible fucking... I don't know. Because he dresses up as different pictures for us, so every now and then you'll turn a page and he's in full drag or with a weird costume on. He did a lot of dressing up and probably zero writing.

It was, yeah, a day in the photo studio taking all these random pictures. They'll go, we'll just make it work. We'll make it work. Totally. Well, it's all for charity. Yeah. In How To Be A Euro Bastard, the photo depicts him.

He seems to have anchovies glued to his face. I don't understand that. It's something to do with fishing quotas, isn't it? Oh, God. And a Union Jack plastic bowler hat. Let's face it. Tourists are vermin and they should all be killed, which is probably why they've got rabies

and Spanish air traffic control over there. You see? They're dead easy to spot. They've all got bums and mouths and rucksacks as big as Northern Hemisphere,

brains the size of Jimi Hendrix's pupils and faces like pizzas complete with anchovies. Right. There you go. They're constantly blinding you with their day glow

cagoules and they all wear plastic Union jack hats which hide the fact they haven't washed their hair in so long it's

still got afterbirth all over it wow they spent most of their time shoplifting in Harrods

and asking where's Leicester Square and what is number bus go to Stratford-on-Avon

please thank you and then there are all those nubile Swedish girlies on the tube who give you such a whopping stiffy that you daren't get up

and so end up in crappy Ongar all the time, which is absolutely spasmobile. Wow. It's like it's written by me in 1986. And now there's going to be a channel tunnel

before the channel tunnel. Oh, yeah. And we're going to have our very own tourist mountain, so there's never been a better time to be a Euro bastard and have a little fun with them the next time they bother you in the street. And then it has some tips about how to bother tourists. No wonder, because there's that inherent fucking superiority

this country has against the rest of Europe. Right, I'm just trying to find these farts. There's so many pictures of him in just his pants. Well, they just took a load, didn't they? Yeah. Well, now that you're in your pants, let's get as much as we can. Let's get as many pants pictures.

And can you make it look like you're sticking something in or up your bottom? Yeah, there's farting Mr. Men, and there's... There's Esther Ransom. Esther Ransom. Esther Ransom was a big topic of humour, wasn't it? Because she had big teeth and allegedly slept her way to the top.

And also, there's that cocktail that is named after her in bottom, isn't there? Because she had big teeth and allegedly slept their way to the top. And also, there's that cocktail that is named after her in Bottom, isn't there? Which we mentioned a few episodes, or many episodes ago. Many, many episodes ago. Because it pulls your gums

back over your teeth. Pernod, ouzo, marmalade and salt. Yeah, can't find the farts. Oh, well, anyway, I tell you what, one quick thing

before we move on is that there was the video game and that's what I knew about this whole thing first. There was a video game? There was a video game. There was a video game called How to Be a Complete Bastard. For the Amiga or something.

From all home computers at that time, so Amstrad would have had its spectrum. And it's basically one of those games where you collect items and you walk around and you have to make 30 people leave a party by doing pranks or getting them arrested or murder and things like that, and you can't get caught. You know, like, there was a load of those games back in the day, like School Days, Jack the Nipper, you know, like there was a load of those games back in the day like School Days, Jack the Nipper,

you know, like Naughty Boy Simulators. Yes. There was that. It was the era of Baggy Trousers by Madness. Baggy Trousers.

Which is all about dirty naughty boys. Dirty naughty boys. So that's the book and the game. I don't remember being very good. There was a board game

that came with it. Was there? Well, yeah, there is a board game and that's the other thing I found. All of these things apart from one I found in a charity these things, apart from one, I found in a charity shop. The only thing I didn't get in a charity shop was...

It has to be a complete bastard book, because I can see you've got the receipt. Yeah, the receipt, that's it. I found this in a charity shop up the road, and I bought that a fair few months ago. They wanted fucking tenner for it. So you paid a tenner for it? No. Oh, no. Wanted tenner for it, didn't buy it. Found another charity shop selling it for £1.50.

Wow. £1.50 for that. This was £3 from a different charity shop that I saw ten of four. I didn't buy it. I found another charity shop selling it for £1.50. Wow. £1.50 for that. This was £3 from a different charity shop that I saw a week ago. He's talking now about the How to Be a Complete Bitch, the game. But we should talk about the book for How to Be a Complete Bitch first. And so let's pass through the book now, and I'll go into How to Be a Complete Bitch. So here it is, How to Be a Complete Bitch. So it came out a year later.

It came out a year later. And it's fundamentally the exact same format as Bastard, except the difference is it's a female opinion and it's pamela stevenson uh writing with the same two writers this time mike gets the first and then mark that was the deal all right if we're gonna do bastard when we do bitch you i go first yeah this is one of those books written by men with no input from women about what they think women think is what being a bitch involves. So I would almost argue this is more problematic than Bastard. Bastard, strip it all down.

It's a bit xenophobia and sexism. It's puerile and it's immature and that's kind of the character in the book. But this is actually misogynistic, you're saying. It's hard because I imagine Pamela Stevenson had very little to do, like Ade Edmondson.

Now, she was a comedy performer as well at the time. What troops was she in? Well, this is where I'm a bit fuzzy. Didn't she appear with French and Saunders? She was in Not the Nine O'Clock News. Right. And that's where I think the major thing was. Obviously married to Billy Connolly later on.

Right. Still married to him now. I think, and I'm going to get complaints because I'm not going to research this, but if you're right, correct me. I think she was the first and only British member of Saturday Night Live. I think she got a very brief stint on Saturday Night Live for a while. Was she American though?

No. Well, I don't know. Yeah. I haven't done the research, nor am I going to. She definitely lived in America for a while. Yeah. So this book is How to Be a Complete Bitch, and it goes through, from birth to death,

all the different categories of bitchery. However, where is that one's a random kind of selection of just how you can be a bastard to everything? This one seems to be like a life guide, almost. And again, because it's written by men, it does seem to be a little bit fucking crap oh well i mean that they're both crafts but this seems to be just basic but again there's loads of pictures of pamela stevenson dressed up as different characters maggie thatcher there's a cartoon strip in there

bastard big knobs what about bastard big knobs there's one of these chapters so how to be a farty bastard right go on find that page while i look for something in bitch so pamela stevenson i think obviously they came up with this a year later to cash in on the success of bastard but there's no this book is all donated you know all the donations for this book go to live aid there's none of that so it just seems like it's kind of a cash-in. And again, there's a board game for it, as it was the board game for Bastard. I found it. Hooray. Fart along with Adrian to 20 great farty sounds.

Are you ready? Right, here we go. It's the one you've been looking forward to. Accidents will happen. Elvis Costello. This is good. Okay, all right. Again and again, status quo.

Yeah. Bang, bang, B.A. Robertson. Yeah. These are like, this is good again and again status quo bang bang BA Robertson these are like it's like looking through a charity shop record bin as well yes isn't it

it's a bit of a crate dive comes in other farty tunes Careless Whisper yeah okay Come On Feel The Noise yeah Slade

yeah that always works as well Donald Where's Your Truesers Andy Stewart. Good vibrations, Beach Boys. Green onions. Okay. Have your tea in the MGs.

Yeah. I heard it through the grapevine. Yeah. Yeah. We've got to get out of this place. Yeah. He's off now. Purple Haze.

Yeah, there we go. Purple Haze. Big Log. What? That's not a song. Robert Plant, apparently. Big Log? Big Log. What? That's not a song. Robert Plant, apparently. Big Log? Big Log.

That's not so much as farting as following through. No, that's Float On by the Floaters. These are all poos now. He's following through. There goes my everything, Elvis Presley. Why is not Steamy Windows isn't here? Why isn't Fog on the Tyne in there? Weird, I remember Steamy Windows being in there.

Well, at least that was real. I remembered that. windows being in there. Well, at least I did. That was real. I remembered that. So the bitch, I've never seen the bitch book. Well, the bitch is very similar. Interestingly, there's a section in the middle which rips the piss out of

Ade Edmondson and the Young Ones because they've copied the Young Ones book. But she's dressed as all of them. Apart from Mike. Where they've got a small actor. A little person. He pops up basically semi-nude

in every other shot of this. What, the little person? Yeah. Oh, get a dwarf in. Yeah, pretty much. Hey, Mike, do you know a dwarf? Yeah. Yeah, I know a dwarf.

Shall we totally exploit him for comic value? Chuck him a tenner? Yeah. Oi, shorty, get over here. Yeah, pretty much. And he's like... Terrible. The 80s were terrible.

And he goes, what, do I have to wear today? Oh, S&M costume and what I'm playing a rock and roll guitar made of dildos alright alright yeah great

I actually remember that can't wait for panto season it's less demeaning being a dwarf in Snow White but yeah there's a book there do you want to know it says how to be

an alternative comedian do you want to know what it says this will be quite illuminating let's bitch about alternative comedy and again this is the same writers who wrote Bastard.

They're really reactionary looking back on it, aren't they? So how about those alternative comedians? Don't they make you laugh? They're such jokers. Did you see their new series of farty poo bum on TV last night? Oh, this is actually a criticism of this podcast. Laugh? I thought I'd split my sides.

I never thought that farting or putting electric hedge trimmer down someone's trousers could be so funny. Actually, a criticism of this podcast. Laugh? I thought I'd split my sides. I never thought that farting or putting electric hedge trimmer down someone's trousers could be so funny. And what about when the hand grenade went off in the toilet? Or when that entire bowl of congealed jelly was poured down the back of the TV? Oh, and all that shouting. That's terrible. I was literally choking in tears and mostly choking on my own tongue. It was so hilarious. I just don't know where they get their jokes from.

Until someone told me. Not a lot of people know this, but the foundation of alternative comedy can be traced to the original schoolboy jokes written on the walls of a man's lab in Manchester University. And then it says, how to be an alternative comedian. One, shout all your lines. Two, use the following words a lot. Poo, hole, poo hole poo hole knob farty breath snog wee wee thatcher bottom big jobs matey boy three that's good advice for any comedian still three do a load of radio commercial voiceovers for 800 quid a time wow that's the whole segment but it's such a kind of weird thing to throw in there considering by and large i don't think a lot of women are going to buy this book

and i i'll let you have a little look but also a little look through this the tone of each book is exactly the same the only other difference really nasty well it well that's a nastier taste is a nastier taste in the mouth where that is just it makes you feel dirty for reading it so you think the bitch one is worse? No, I think they're both they lean too far in to their conceits and as a result

it comes across as too broad if you want to use the word broad again. How to humiliate your man? Go on. One, hand him an old bed spring. Say, my IUD

has run out of paraffin. Can you take it down to the ironmongers and get them to top it up? Insist on two star. Yeah. As any greasy coil needs to be shoved up here, flop flops. Two. Say you desperately need some electronic tampon remover tongs.

Give him a pair of ordinary kitchen tongs and tell him that the Rumbelows are doing a £10 training offer for your own ones. What? Basically, how to humiliate your man by making him think you've got some kind of industrially huge vajarjit. Well, the conceit in the book is that the idea that men don't know anything about women's bodies, and to be honest, don't. But it trades a lot on the mysteries of the woman's body.

I know every fold. No, you fucking don't. I will caress every fold. Yeah. Yeah. Well, ideally, getting to know a lady intimately, inside and out, is good. Oh, here we go. But whether you do it academically.

What, academically? Whether you do it academically or physically is up to you. Three. I like physical. What? Nothing. You like popsicles? No, I do.

Me just popsicles. Shut up. Three. Say, go to the chemist and get me a giant bottle of woman's complaint lotion. Do you know what it is? It's a bit like one of the problems I have with Little Britain. Yeah. Looking back at it.

It's this sort of disgust with female anatomy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sort of underlies it. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what it is as well? It's like, you know when shit men complain about women comedy being all about

bad boyfriends, crap sex, and periods? It's like that book's kind of what they're talking about. And it's a shame because But it was written by men. Written by men.

And, you know, Pamela Stevenson probably had not too much input into it. Without knowing for sure, it's hard to say, but, you know, it doesn't seem like... Do you know what? My girlfriend

pointed this out to me, and it's an interesting point. How to be a complete bastard, you know, like Adeb and Edmondson's forming the T. Yeah. Right? They couldn't have her be a T in bitch? They just kind of write the word bitch awkwardly in, like, cursive next to her body. And it doesn't quite... It's weird. It doesn't stick

with the concept, does it? Because, like, she's very, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she should have been sexualised in the book, but nearly every picture in there is a kind of, like, angry and angular and, like, grotesque. There's lots of grotesque imagery. It's like, they're both grotesque books, actually. Yes, it is grotesquery.

Oh, look, there's the dwarf. Yeah, there's one. The little guy. There's one. So, with the success of those books, there was two board games 500 things men are most afraid of

500 things men are most afraid of one you two sex three getting caught in a zip four his team's star striker

getting kicked in the bollocks in the first 15 seconds of the FA Cup final five someone getting a ruler out and actually checking it's so juvenile but it's also the same kind of root comedy as the bastard book the only difference is the angles coming i know but it

doesn't work because when you change the gender it becomes sort of misogynistic it's it's it's a bitch as a man would describe it not like but then a bastard is also as a man i think had there been actual female writers in that book, it might have been a bit more incisive. I'm not saying it was going to be any better or more funny or less funny. Just I think it would have been a bit less... Terrible. Women and boys and men and how to rip off rich men and how to demand drinks.

This kind of feels like there's definitely an 80s yuppie-esque kind of attitude going to it. It's a class thing. Am I rambling? Titsy bum bums. So let's get on to the board games. There were two board games. The first we're going to touch on is a bitch.

How to be a complete bitch. The board game. Yeah. Now, did these come out at the same time? They must have. About a year or so after the books. They do board games for everything.

I just haven't been in the world of board games for so long. You just don't think. No. They just put them out for everything. Everything. Everything. Every single thing.

Well, that's why the party game thing still happens these days you know those party games been playing at digi they're like the bad men or whatever it's called that's the big that's the big craze at the moment isn't it because of cards against humanity against humanity but they're all games and exploding kittens is there one called that there is one called that but my point is like all these games are games that you don't have to buy if you could sit down with friends creatively thinking you could come up with your own. But also, you could just sort of get it off the internet if someone had copied every card onto the internet.

You know what I mean? Go onto a website and go. Just do it off your phone. Oh, there's a board game for 40 quid called Would You Ever? And it's like, would you ever suck off a tramp? Would you ever toss off a bishop? Would you ever fucking murder a baby? I'd do all three of those.

Yeah, but like, now you can get it. I wouldn't, everyone, I wouldn't. But you could just go onto a website and go click Would you ever. Suck off a... Please don't say I'm not getting it. Alright. Wow! Anyway, growing up bitch. The board game is like, obviously, you have to be the bitch

and you move up the board and it's... Oh, it's a pyramid structure. It's a pyramid structure and it's kind of... You move diagonally in the game, apparently. Is it a bit like Snakes and Ladders i guess yeah actually it's terrible and the problem is is that it the board game section the movement around the board isn't that interesting and it's a bit convoluted the actual way you move around is in that either or they give you bitchy scenarios i'll give you half a pack all right and i'll have the other

half and you get two choices of how you would solve that scenario you know and i think the problem with this will make itself very apparent very soon. So let me just read one at random at you. Here we go. So you'd roll a dice, land on a square, say pick up a bitch card, and you read it out, and then I give you... Okay, I've landed on a square, and now I'd like a bitch card, please. You run up your enormous...

You run up... You run up an enormous bill on your husband's charge card. Do you A, confess all to him in tears and promise you'll never do it again, or B, steal another piece of plastic? And I'm trying to answer to be a bitch or not be a bitch? To be a bitch. Well, they'll do B. That seems quite easy.

You get cards with A and B written on, so I would put down whether I think it's going to be A or B. So I go, oh, I'm going to put B down. And then you would say B. Right, and I'd be like, oh, you are a bitch. And so I guessed it right. So you don't move, but I move up the board. Right.

You've totally lost me. But that's it. That's all the game is. Shit, is it? Yeah. Do it again. You pick one for me. I'll pick one for you, yeah.

Yeah. Ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Oh, you've landed on a square. Oh, I've picked up a bitch card. Your husband? Yeah. God, it's always about the husband, isn't it?

Fucking hell. Remember all the cards we got for Play Your Cards Right? When it's like, we asked 15 secretaries, what would they do if they were patted on the bum by their boss? Yeah. Or it's like, we asked 100 husbands, would they ever consider going naughty next door with Pamela the Big Busty? You know what I mean?

It's terrible. Your husband has started a new job. Do you do you a try and be supportive as possible yeah b phone his new boss and tell him that if your husband's naughty he should smack him the thing is right is that where's the game because is the game to confuse people and trick them into voting wrong so you move up the board because if so it, it's still obvious. You get a rational explanation and then you get a completely irrational one. You know,

you get a completely stupid thing like support your husband or call the boss up and say your husband's a nonce and needs to be nicked or he's stealing from the kitty. You know what I mean? And so,

the people you're playing with, you've got to know them well enough that they'll always go for the stupid question or the stupid answer. Yeah, but they always, A is always not the one to go for. Yeah, exactly. Because if you want to be a bitch, you're going to know them well enough that they'll always go for the stupid question or the stupid answer. Yeah, but A is always not the one to go for. Yeah, exactly.

Because if you want to be a bitch. And see if you're going to answer honestly. Is your friend a bitch or is she not a bitch? But I think everyone who's playing it will probably just want to be obtuse and go, oh, no, I would call him up and say. Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like, what's this next one? The family pet has died.

How would you explain it to your children? Do you A, tell them Rover has gone to the great big park in the sky where doggies run and play all day long? Or B, don't explain. Just show them what's left after the impact. Or C, eat the dog. Fuck the dog. No, don't.

Yay! Yay! Yay! A friend of yours is extremely worried about being overweight. Do you A, reassure them that it is personality that really matters? Or B, get a store that specialises in outsized clothing to send here a catalogue. But I don't understand the dynamic of the game, Paul. Because all the B's are bitch.

Yeah. Are the bitch answer, right? Yeah. So what are you meant to do when you land on a square and you ask that question? I don't know because you ask your friend and like to move up the board they have to

they have to I think confound or go against what you think what you expect them to say. Yeah. So you know what I mean it all depends on who your friend is and what they want to play.

So that's that that's the game when you move around the board but I was like I was so unimpressed by that because even by like 80s board game standards there's not much to this.

It's awful. So, with that in mind, we'll go to Bastard next. The Bastard board game. Bastard board game. Also, this Bastard is not used as much as it used to be. No. As a word. Bring back Bastard.

It used to be a big swear, didn't it? Do you remember that in school? You'd call someone a Bastard. It'd be like, Miss, Miss, he called me a bastard. When I was eight, I think I said the word bastard for the first time to myself. Yeah. Or to maybe someone in school. I went, oh, bastard.

And I remember that made me laugh so, so much. My teacher thought I had a mental breakdown. I was on the ground laughing at the fact that I just said the word bastard out loud. I know, it was naughty, wasn't it? Yeah. Kids these days don't know they're born. I think psychologically that says a lot about me. Kids these days come out of the mum saying cunt,

don't they? Yeah, right on. They're pointing around. Look at that cunt. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, who's this cunt? Oh, is this Doctor Cunt? Who's this Doctor Cunt? Who's this nurse? I came out saying, I want some champagne, please, Doctor. Serve it to me. I came out going, baby sham. Fizz it all up me chuff knee. Fizz it all up me chuff knee.

Fizz it all up your chuff knee. Well done, Eli. So Bastard, a bit more conventional board game. This has got more of a spiral. You start a go and you go down the spiral to the sewage works. It's a race game as well, isn't it? Yeah. I like the artwork better on it as well.

It's much nicer. It's more interesting because there's no photographs. There's rats. There's sewer rats, aren't there? Chasing a stylised Ed Edmondson. Does he look at all like Ed Edmondson, this guy? No, a little bit. Not at all, really. It looks like the game,

the book, the box drawing of him. You've got actually a picture of the photo from the book. It's where you put your cards, isn't it? It's where you put your cards. And why is this better, Paul? Well, first of all, the board game, even though it's simpler, is just better drawn, better put together. Oh my God, they've got racist pictures of Chinese people on it as well.

Yeah, I noticed that as well. I dread to think what that's inferring to with regard to the board. What does it say nearby? It doesn't say anything. It's just them all just, they're tourists. They've got a space on the board, mate. They're Japanese tourists, aren't they? Because they've got their little cameras around their necks.

So yeah, it's like we've got a bit of space left on the board. Let's just put something racist in. Let's just put something racist in. Let's just put something racist in. Now, how is this played? Roll the dice, go on the board, land on a card, play a card. And now, are these cards more interesting, then? Well, they're more scenarios. So, like, okay, they're challenges and things like that.

Let's have a look. There's some that involve, like, movements. Like, use this card to avoid having to throw the dice when it's your turn. The girly opponent opposite your choice must impersonate Les Patterson or move forward two spaces. That's such a weird reference. Les Patterson was... It was a character by... That comic.

No. Who did Dame Edna Edwards. He was called Les Patterson. I can't remember the name of the actor now who played fucking those characters. Humphrey? Humphrey. Humphrey Littleton. Barry Humphreys. Barry Humphrey Littleton Barry Humphreys

Barry Humphreys played Dame Edna and Les Patterson and Les Patterson was a drunk Australian tourist politician yeah

just a horrible get out he was horribly debauched and drunk and yeah disgusting vile so obviously

they're looking for that remove your left sock choose an opponent who must place it on their nose for one minute or move choose an opponent who must place it on their nose for one minute or move choose your opponent this is quite the chuffley charlie's this is an interesting card and i want

i want you to stop me the minute you think this card gets quote unquote interesting an opponent of your choice must present you with a five pound note or ten dollar bill blow it on your nose and hand it back if they can't produce the money, they must move forward two spaces. What? Rainbow? Can you see that rainbow? I see a little bit of a prism colour change in the cloud. That's nice. So nice. I take a picture

and we can have something pretty on the pot. Pull it up. Pull it up. You see it more through the thing, don't you? There's a little bit. I'll blow it up for the website. Right. So why present you with a £5 note or $10 bill? Why $10 bill? And also, how can I blow your nose on it? Blow your nose on it and hand it back.

So you give me a £5 note. Or a $10. Or $10. But why? You know why I think it says $10? Because they were trying to sell it in the States as well. Or they translated it from a game in the States and they missed out the dollar for whatever.

Yeah. Blow your nose on it and hand it back. If they can't produce the money, they must move forward. What does that mean, if they can't produce the money? I don't understand. Then they must move forward two spaces. I don't understand that. That makes literally zero sense.

A male opponent must chat up the girly of your choice for 30 seconds. If no male opponent, you must move back two spaces. If no girly, he must move forward two spaces. That's terrible. Alright, you chat me up for 30 seconds. Go on. Alright, I'm at the bar. Hello.

You look alright. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just here waiting for... You want something to drink? No, I'm alright. Have something to drink. No, I'm alright. No, I have something to drink. You look alright. Have something to drink.

Just have a water, please. Alright, I'll get it for you. No, it's alright. It's fizzy. It's a bit fizzy. I don't want fizzy water, sir. No, it's freaking fizzy. Drink it down.

Drink it down. Right, I'm going. What? You don't want anything? You've been chatting up, and I know you think I was trying to drug you, but I don't look like that. Please, I still want to arrest this man.

He's just creepy. He just came up and made me drink fizzy milk, and then I think... Fizzy milk? I think fizzy milk. No, I was hoping you'd come home and drink my special fizzy milk. Well, let's move on, shall we?

Let's move on. Imitate a rabid sheep. Okay. Go on, what does that sound like? Stop it! Do you know what that is? Fucking me. The opponent of your choice has 20 seconds to give two examples of bastard rhyming slang

or move forward two spaces. So the opponent of your choice, you, Eli, has 20 seconds to give two examples of bastard rhyming slang. What does that mean? Like rhyming slang for bastard? Yeah. All right, go for it. Custard tart.

Custard tart what? What? You can't just say custard tart. Start again. Not rhyming slang for bastard, just rhyming slang a bastard would use. Okay, I'll give that then as well. I'll let you have that as well.

Go on. Hapenny stone. All right, so put it into context. All right, Barry, how you doing, mate? All right, mate, I've just been down a knocking shop. Oh, are you? I'll tell you what. Yeah?

I didn't half give her a hapenny. A hapenny? A hapenny stone bone! There's no thing called a hapenny stone for a start. Well, it... Bone is itself a euphemism. Oh, I'll tell a Hapenny stone for a start. Well, it... Bone is itself a euphemism. Oh, I'll tell you what. I've got such a Hapenny on.

I've got such a hard Hapenny. Oh, I had a shove Hapenny the other day. Yeah, I shoved Hapenny. Hapenny stone. Hapenny stone. Stop. This is not working. Wait, I sat on the Hapenny the other day, taking a shit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll be on the Hapenny stone. Yeah. Thrown. Yes, but still, I don't on the Hapenny Stone. Yeah. Thrown. Yes, but still, I don't know what Hapenny Stone is, if anything. It's just something they'd say. Because I don't know what Hapenny Stone is.

It's not a phrase, is it? It's not. Is there a thing called a Hapenny Stone? Yes. And it is a what? A real thing? It's a very small stone. It's a...

You're full of fucking shit. And the worst thing is... No, I've got another one. I've got another one. Yeah, go on. Squeeze and squirt. Yeah? Go on. I lifted up her squeeze and squirt. I don't want to know. That sounds like just the worst thing ever. No, you...

I went to Hawaii and I bought a straw squeeze. Squeeze and squirt. Yeah, no, it doesn't work. It does not work. I want to put on a squeeze! The opponent of your choice must have... I've got a skirt made of

hurt-to-hate-ly squirt. Demonstrate the new dance move. Confelcture. Demonstrate the new dance move. The bastard shuffle for ten seconds. Go on, give me the bastard shuffle. Right, he's standing up

and he's putting his little leg out and bopping his hip and he's shaking it. Oh, it's nice. I'm turned on. Sit on me lap, Grandad. Sit on me'm turned on. Sit on me lap, Grandad. Sit on me lap and dance. Sit on me lap, Grandad.

Why do you have to make that noise every time? Right, it's at the end of this. To be fair, I like this card the most, even though it's not particularly the grottiest. If you pick this card up, it says, Declare yourself the winner. If no one accepts this, move forward three spaces. If you got that card, that would be a fucking gold card for you. want this yeah i want it yeah a bit silly isn't it the opponent of your

choice is 30 seconds to explain without repetition the intellectual significance of rambo if they fail they must move forward three spaces go rambo tells the story of a man against society, outside of society, who uses the weapons of his persecutors and turns it onto them. He is the monster within us all. He has been turned into a raging maniac, not by his own inner demons,

but the demons foisted on him by the military complex of America. Hmm. I like that very much. I've never seen it. You've never seen Rambo? No. I mean First Hmm. I like that very much. You've never seen Rambo? No. I mean, First Blood I've never seen. Yeah, it's good. It's very good and very different from 2, 3, 4, 5.

He went full gung-ho on the other. Yeah, because in the first one, he's meant to be this damaged, tragic character. Vet, yeah. Yeah, and the second one, let's just give him a big gun and a flamethrower. You're not available. You're not available. You're not available.

You're not available. The opponent of your choice must talk for 30 seconds on my bastard obituary without any repetition. So you have to... Just a minute. So if you have to give me obituary right now, go. Paul lies here today in a box. Nice sprinkles on there.

He's pretty come John Potpie. He did, yes. Today, in a box, nice sprinkles on there. Did Precub John pop by? He did, yes. He gave me his tribute. His sprinkle tribute. Yeah, that's good. That's how I want to go, to be fair, mate. Paul was many things. Producer, lover, friend.

He also was a terrible liar. He said terrible, terrible things about people. So fuck him, really. Eli fucks dogs. Eli fucks dogs. His ghost is accusing me of fucking dogs. Oh, Sam from Derek Okora. Sam is now with us on the podcast, by the way.

We have to mention this. It's worth noting that Derek Okora, who passed away not too long ago, Sam, his spirit guide has now joined Cheap Show officially. He'll be speaking with us, through us to speak to those who have passed on.

So you can You mean he'll be speaking He'll be speaking through me. So if you want to ask me anything about Sam or you can ask me anything about the spirit world

I'll talk to Sam. What kind of sandwiches does Sam like? Hang on, let me... Sam. He says Wenzel's used to do a really good New Yorker, but they stopped doing that recently, and he's a bit upset.

Wenzel's used to do a New Yorker? A New Yorker. Did it have pastrami? Yeah. And pickles? And rye bread and stuff. Why did they stop? Why did they stop?

He always says he doesn't know. He said he didn't know this about the death. He doesn't know about the financial situation of Wenzel's. Do you want anything else you want to ask Sam? What's he wearing? Sam, what? Sam's saying he doesn't wear anything. Clothes are pointless in the afterlife.

Not like an Egyptian thing. No. Does he have one of those Egyptian sticks like the Pharaohs had? No. Yes, he does. He doesn't. Tell me he does. Does he?

No, he's saying he doesn't wear anything. What's the point of clothes in the afterlife? No, he's not clothes. It's more like a prod. Well, Sam's saying why don't you shut the fuck up? It's a prodding rod. Sam says. Bum him with the prodding rod.

Sam says he doesn't appreciate this. He didn't get this shit from Derek Okora. Well, is Derek there with him now? They're both on the other side, aren't they? Oh, hang on. I'm talking to Derek now. Derek's not happy. What, Derek?

Derek, you know what I need Derek to do? What? Get a fucking great big dildo, put it they? Oh, hang on, I'm talking to Derek now. Derek's not happy. What, Derek? Derek, you know what I need Derek to do? Get a fucking great big dildo, put it in his mouth, and then bumfuck people with it. What the fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? I don't feel very well. Alright, we'll do one last card. Alright, here we go. The opponent

of your choice must list the first three things they would do if elected Pope Bastard I. So, Eli Silverman, you're now Pope Bastard I. What are the first three things you bring in as Pope? First and foremost, everyone must paint the side of their nose emerald green. Okay, why? Just one side.

Doesn't matter. I don't have to tell you fucking why. No, fair enough. God spoke through you. Number two. Everyone. Oh, sorry. Yeah, Sam, why? Just one side. Doesn't matter. I don't have to tell you fucking why. No, fair enough. God spoke through you. Number two. Yeah. Everyone. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, Sam, you can go, mate. Cheers. No, just chill. Speak to you next week. Everyone, at the end of every day, before you go to bed, must kneel on the floor. Yeah. Put their hand on the side of their face. Yeah.

And say, Margaret Stevenson, Margaret Stevenson, Margaret Stevenson. Yeah. That's it. And third thing he'd bring in his Pope? All nice food for me. All nice food. What, you're the Pope? You're going to get that anyway.

Well, no, but I want it to be a declaration. All right, here's my three things as Pope Gannon bastard the first. One, all cats go to heaven, right? All cats go to heaven. They're getting free. I think that's the case anyway. That's the case anyway. Nah, dogs go to hell.

Fuck them. Cats go to heaven. That's two things. You've already wasted your two things on cats and dogs. I've separated cats and dogs into heaven and hell. That's one thing. That's two things. Fuck you, I'm Pope.

It's one thing. God said it was one thing. I'll have an extra thing. No, you can't have an extra thing because there's only things. Fuck you, I'm Pope. It's one thing. God said it was one thing. I'll have an extra thing. No, you can't have an extra thing because there's only three. So, like, my next thing, two. Everyone must pray to me every night and end their prayer with bum bum gravy.

And they have to go, bum bum gravy, bum bum gravy. To the tune of? Bum bum gravy, bum bum gravy. To the tune of? I don't know what that is. John Carpenter's theme for Escape from... Oh, that would be a... Not Escape from,

for... Is it Attack on Precinct? No, it's Escape from New York. Oh, yes. Assault on Precinct 13. Assault on Precinct 13. So, just to sum up, Paul, it goes like this. Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies.

Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies. Bum bum gravies. And the third thing, all women sit on my face on my birthday all women around the world it's a simple dip

are you on a train I'm on a I'm on a kind of it's like a miniature train that goes around the whole world and you're on it and you're like that with your tongue out

and they're all just my tongue's not out mate that's disgusting they've bestried it all ladies have bestried the miniature tonguing train. Yeah. There's no tonguing.

There's no tonguing. What are you doing? What are you doing? Across my eyes and nose. I just want to feel the boner. Oh, there's no mouth action. No, there's just arse. It's just my arses rubbing across my eyes and nose.

But do you go with my train idea? Yes. I think I should lie on a track. I would sit my tongue out. Face up. I'll be on this next carriage. Yeah. No, no, no.

Licky, licky. You can't be. No. Licky, licky, fanny, fanny. No, you can't do that. Yes, I will. I will be there. You've ruined the second.

I'm Pope number two. You've ruined. The Lickinator. You've ruined this religion. The Tongonator. You've ruined my religion. I might do some prodding. Upward prodding.

Well, that's the end of that segment. Oh, God. Right, we've got to wrap this up. Dead, dead, quick. Dead, dead, dead, quick. Right, thank you for supporting us on Patreon. If indeed you do, if you'd like to donate as much as you like,

you can go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show and you'll get podcasts, magazines, video clips, all kinds of lovely things as extra content as thanks for saying and supporting Cheap Show. And we do appreciate it thank you very much we really do I'm sorry I was a bit shit this week

every week no I'm not shit every week and I just want to make it very clear just to nip this in the total bud I don't fuck dogs and I wash but you do keep pictures of families

that you don't know on your shelf next to a bum fucking toy that's good spunking up right good so there you go spunk another patreon.com forward slash... You know what I'm not going to do, Paul?

I'm not going to interrupt you because I have to go to work. Well, then shut up. You've done it on purpose so I can't fucking own you. Shut up. www.comcheapshow. It's not that.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for supporting us on Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash cheapshow. The website for pictures and videos to accompany this episode is thecheapshow.co.uk. Support us and rate and review on iTunesunes spotify stitcher any podcast app and you can get us on any good podcast app i love you all i'll come out at night i'll sing it out

shut up you keep saying we've got to get through this and then you start singing bad fucking bad i'm a bad boy i I'm a Mavic podcaster. I go round and I do it even faster. I come out and I get it up my nose. Your time is wasting, mate, because I've still got to pack all this up and it's going to take a while. I don't care.

I'm a fucking going round and I'm coming round here and I'll go down there. I'm around here now and I'm going... Shut up! Mate, stop it, please. Get the fuck out of here. Right, he's going out the room.

Great. He's got pants in his mouth like a fucking monster. Right. So, website, yes. Patreon, yeah, we've done that. So, again, if you want to help and nominate in the award,

you can go to tinyurl.com forward slash CCA2020 nominate. Don't come in without your pants off. Please, it's really upsetting. This is your fault. You asked for this. You asked for it. We're on Twitter, at the Cheap Show pod. I'm at Paul Gannon's show and Eli is.

I'm in a fresh pair of underwear and it feels absolutely sublime, I can tell you. Is that your new Twitter handle? No, it's EliSnoid, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Great. What else? Oh, yeah, two big plugs. One is you can still buy physical issues of the Cheap Show magazine, the one that you can get for free.

Well, I say for free, but if you become a patron, you get one every few months. However, if you'd like to buy one, the latest one is fantastic, and it comes with a free CD on the front. Yvonne has done amazing work. So go to cheapmag.shop. And I just want to mention... What's on the CD?

So the band Cheap Show, the punk band. Are they on it? Yeah, and also Vincent from the band was an interview with the magazine. So Yvonne interviews Vincent from Cheap Show. There's a track there. Also Chris Bullock. You know, Chris from Digi and Barshans.

I do. She's put a few tracks on there herself Chris Bullock. You know, Chris from Digi and Barshens. I do. She's put a few tracks on there herself. And so you can listen to Chris's electric music. Yeah, electro stuff. Electrico music. And also Izzy.

You know Izzy? Barshens, Izzy. She's in a band as well. Yeah, she's got Boys of the Hole. Boys of the Hole. And there's a track on there from the CD.

So if you want to buy the physical thing, you can go to cheapmag.shop, get the magazine already, the past catalogue, the past issues that have gone out, the past nine, and you get a CD. So if you want to buy the physical thing, you can go to cheapmag.shop, get the magazine already, the past catalogue, the past issues that have gone out, the past nine, and you get a CD. That's good. And also

support Tony, who does some amazing art and has some amazing merch. So there's loads of art. If you want to get some Cheap Show merch, go to redbubble.com forward slash people forward slash Cheap Show Tony. And finally, I'm going to get all of it out. Watch this. Ladies and gentlemen, open

the website page, open the phone, quickly, quickly, Paul. Timers of the essence, allthecheapshow.co.uk And you can send things in our PO box, anything you like. In fact, if you want to send bespoke price of shites, please do. Put your name on and a separate envelope with the results in. But you can send

it all to Cheap p.o box one two seven one harrow ha3 great he's spraying his pits now ha3 3ns right so while eli does the worst striptease i've ever fucking seen in my life in front of me don't shake your bottom that's it we're going you going to say goodbye before you get completely fucking naked? I have to get to work, mate. I know, but, you know, I tell you what, it's nice having new panties on, isn't it? It is nice, though. It is nice, I agree.

You're going to say goodbye. Hello, goodbye. Bye-bye, everyone. See you next week. Thank you, bye. you